The Daily Stoic - Why Bert Kreischer Thinks He Needs a Stoic Coach

Episode Date: January 31, 2026

Bert Kreischer and Ryan continue their conversation about the tension between discipline and indulgence, why Bert sometimes feels better hungover than sober, and the pull of routines built around punishment and excess. Bert talks about quitting drinking, the daily “witching hour,” and why good news can be just as unsettling as bad.Bert Kreischer is a stand up comedian, actor, and podcast host of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. You can watch both his movie The Machine and now his latest show, Free Bert, on Netflix! Follow Bert on Instagram, TikTok, X, and YouTube Bert’s new series Free Bert is officially out on Netflix! Watch Here: https://www.netflix.com/title/81696123🎥 Watch the video episodes on The Daily Stoic YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@DailyStoic/videos🎙️ Follow The Daily Stoic Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dailystoicpodcast✉️ Want Stoic wisdom delivered to your inbox daily? Sign up for the FREE Daily Stoic email at https://dailystoic.com/dailyemail🏛 Get Stoic inspired books, medallions, and prints to remember these lessons at the Daily Stoic Store: https://store.dailystoic.com/📱 Follow us: Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, TikTok, and FacebookSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, designed to help bring those four key stoic virtues, courage, discipline, justice, and wisdom into the real world. Hey, it's Ryan. Welcome to another episode of the Daily Stoic Podcast. You know, it's hard to put stuff out in the world, right? You work really hard on something, then you put it out there, and then other people get a say, right? They decide whether they're going to laugh at the joke or not. They decide whether they're going to buy the thing you're selling or not.

They decide whether to vote for you. And that's really hard, right? In a way, it challenges one of the most important principles and stoicism, which is to not care about things that are not in your control. And that is outside your control. And yet, you can't do your job well or be compensated for that job if you can't figure out a way to both care and not care. I don't know. It's a challenge.

So when I had Burke Kreisner on the podcast, this is one of the things we talked about because his new show, Freebert, had just come out. Like, I heard him walking. I was sitting in the back of the studio working on something. I heard him come in and he was just hearing from like people on his team about where it had landed, like how it was doing on Netflix. Because Netflix in real time is showing like what the most popular stuff is, right? In some ways, Netflix is a black box. They don't tell you exactly how many downloads or how something's doing. Like with Amazon, you know, there's a ranking and you obviously want to do well on that ranking. It's really challenging, right? It makes you vulnerable.

even if you think what you did is awesome, well, now there's a big thumbs up or a big thumbs down telling you whether that's true or not. So that was something we talked about on the episode. This is part two. And he had just found out that he had debuted at number two, which was well deserved because it's a great show. Samantha and I watched all six episodes. I thought it was really funny. And in part two of my interview with Bert, we talk about why he wants a Seneca in his life, his definition of success. his current sobriety. And as we're just talking about, not letting other people's opinions determine

your mood or your sense of whether you did a good job or not. And of course, he tells some insane stories. If you didn't listen to Part 1, you should. You could start with that. But Burt Kreischer is a stand-up comedian and actor. He's the host of Two Bears, One Cave. You can watch his movie The Machine on Netflix and then his new show Free Bert. He is a touring stand-up comic who's sells out arenas all over the world. Not only it was Bert hilarious, but he was super nice. He invited everyone on the Daily Stoic and Painted Porch team to come see his show. A bunch of the people went. And they said it was hilarious. He let them come backstage after, invited them to the after party. I had to leave to go pick up my son from school right after the interview. And he shot

the shit with Samantha and everyone. He said, you got to talk to my wife. And the next thing, you know, she's FaceTiming with Leanne. He is just an incredibly sweet and kind human being. I asked Whitney Cummings what I should ask. Bert, and she just said, like, Burr's got it all figured out. He's just winning. Not just he's successful, but he, like, is in a loving marriage and has a great relationship with his kids. She's like, he did it. That was totally the vibe I got. I think that's the vibe you're going to get. Even if you're not a fan of his comedy, I think you're really going to like this episode because you just get a glimpse into who he is. And I like what I saw. You can follow Bert on all platforms at Bert Kreisher. You can watch

freebert on Netflix and I hope you like this episode. Enjoy. Well, how do we get Seneca's in our lives? Like, how do you get an advisor? Well, I would love a, I would love a, I would love a personal trainer and an assistant. Yeah. And all we do is giggle and just fuck around. But I would love like, I would love like a 70-year-old man. I was thinking about this like, I'm not like an addict. I have some addictive tendencies, but I was like, I'm really jealous of people who are in recovery who have sponsors. Like someone you call before you do something dumb. you know, or just like, I mean, I just had a shitty day.

I'm thinking about, you know, what do I? It would be wonderful to have a sponsor. That should be a concept we have. I mean, ideally your parents are this or your grandparents or this, but not everyone gets that deck of cards. So. A certain point is like, you know. They can't understand because you're dealing with things that they've never dealt with.

I'm always jealous of people that are going to rehab. I would love to go to rehab. Just three months of just. You can go? I can't. I got too much shit going on. Maybe that's your addiction. It work, yeah.

That you can't take, I think about this. I did a thing once I went to a, it's not a rehab, but it is a rehab, but they have a thing. You go for like a week and you just work on all this stuff. You go through the program, but not the addicted part. And it was just like the amount of work I had to do to get seven days in a row off my schedule was like, oh, I do have a problem. Oh, yeah. You know, it's like, what could, because it's something the thing is it's like, you have all this success. You have money.

You have theoretically. You have power. or and then you're just like, but actually you have no power because your calendar is in charge. I'm on the road for 25 days straight, like every day for 25 days straight. And then I'm on the road touring for nine weeks straight. And I only have like a couple days here and there to get back. And a lot of times like this week, I'm just going to drive to Alabama. So I'm like, you know, screw it.

It's easier to stay in the bus than to fly home on Sunday or fly home Monday to come home to go back on the road Wednesday. You're like, it doesn't make sense. Yeah. And your kids are out of the house. My kids are in college, and it's just me and my wife. But at the same time, I go, like, I had a buddy that went to rehab, and it was like, perfect timing. It was so great.

And he came back, and he was so grounded. I was talking to Matt Berninger, that he's the lead singer of the National. And he was saying, like, you know, you think like a week will be a vacation. And then he was like, it was only in the pandemic where it was like he started calming down like six months in. Yeah. Like, you think you can get restored. or relaxed or back, you know, with taking a couple days off. And then you're not even close.

You haven't even begun to start winding down. I remember on the ride back from the pandemic, we were in New Orleans and we were driving back. And I had said, I had been in D.C. the weekend before and I was, and I was party. Oh, like to go into the lockdowns? Go into the lockdowns. We were in D.C. We were doing D.C. Boston dot, dot, dot. And then we went to New Orleans. and in D.C., I was partying in the mornings doing a radio show,

and I knew I was partying that night, and I knew that we were going out, and we were pulling all nighter and going to Boston. And I said casually to my, you know, laying in my bus. I was like, I was like, God, I need, like, a break. Like, if you can give me, like, just, I don't know how it's going to happen. And I'd said, like, give me a TV show or something, or like a movie or something to slow me down because the road's killing me.

And then the next weekend, the pandemic hit, and they're like, you got to drive back to L.A. And on the ride back, I was like, I'm going to stop drinking. When I get home, I'm not drinking through this as long as this lasts. I didn't know it was going to be that long. Yeah. Seven days in, I've never to this day done this. Seven days in, I fell asleep in a hammock.

And I, in my backyard, in a hammock. And I woke up and I went, and I didn't have any thoughts. I didn't have any fears. I didn't have like, oh, I'm late for this. It was the craziest fucking feeling. I know. But anytime I quit drinking, like, I'm not drinking now. and anytime I quit drinking,

I literally, I'm, like, amazed at how easier life is. Sure. Like, I went to bed the other night. I'd press at, like, six in the morning, and I'm in New York, and the National Championships game is on, and it's a great one, and it's now midnight, 1230, and I'm like, God, dang it. So I got drinking brain in my head.

And I'm like, I'm going to be a mess tomorrow. I go to sleep, but wake up at 6.30, and I was like, I feel great. Right. I was like, wow, this is, why do I, you know? And they don't have dreams about drinking and think I'm going to be hung over. And then I wake up, and I'm like,

oh, that was a dream. Actually, okay, look, I got a stowa quote that relates to this. I'm going to give you this quote. You tell me what you think of it. Okay. If you accomplish something good with hard work, the labor passes quickly, but the good endures. If you do something shameful in the pursuit of pleasure, the pleasure passes quickly, but the shame endures. Oh, I just think about jackshacks.

Can't imagine those dudes who go to jackshacks and they're like just like, you know, like a massage parlor where they get jerked off. I have a friend. I had a friend who was married and had kids and he was just, he was addicted. to Jack Shacks. Jesus. And he was like, he was like, it's crazy. Like, all the feelings going in are so great. And it's like, my heart's racing and this and that.

And then the second I come, I am filled with shame. And I'm like, that's why I don't go. We think about like, it's going to be fun to go out drinking. And so that's like the pleasure part. Yeah. And then it's like the hangover the next day. That's a different person. Like, it's not all part of the same.

Like, if you had to, you take the pleasure and then you put the afterwards. feeling on top, you're like, oh, this probably isn't worth it. But when you separate the two, you're able to rationalize it to yourself. No, not me. So, okay, so I'll tell you the difference I have. So I'm very punitive. Okay. So, uh, and I love to close a bar at fucking 3.30 in New York City. I love the close a bar at 430 and see the, see the lights starting to change up in the sky. I love that feeling. I love that's my worst nightmare. Are you serious? Yeah, I don't even want to be up till midnight. Okay. I love the feeling of getting after it. I love when someone goes, are you going to have one more? And then you go, yeah. Or when you get there, you like, do you want

to drink? And then you watch the room crumble and everyone's like, are you going to get one? And then you start seeing everyone's, I'll get one. I'll get one. And then you get lit. I love that feeling. Now, here's the problem with me. And this is, I think, I know for a fact what I'm dealing with in my head right now because this sobriety is very different than any sobriety. It is a health-induced sobriety. It is like, yo, we had a health scare. You got to be on these pills and you can't drink on these pills for six months. And so I had to look at that as a very different beast. Usually I get sober for a month and I'm like, great, I feel great. Let's get back after it. Three months, great, let's get at, you know? So I had to think, I had to think more long term about this. But the problem is, I love closing it down.

But I also love getting up a little hungover with my brain thinking a little sideways. This is why I had a problem with the Hemingway quote. Yeah, yeah. It's a little sideways. Getting a cup of coffee, getting in the gym, murdering at the gym at like 8 a.m., 10 a.m. And then that endorphin rush that I have through the whole day is crazy. The problem is, if I can get rid of any part, it's not that morning tax that everyone feels like they pay. And it's not that I'm out too late they pay.

It would be 5 o'clock, what I call the witching hour. at five o'clock. The next day or the... In between days. Okay. Every day at five o'clock, I have this feeling of like, it's almost like a hopeful, like, what do we, what are we doing tonight? Like, where's the adventure at tonight?

Yeah. Like, who wants to have a drink? Like, that energy of five o'clock, usually when I'm not drinking, I just am very mindful of busying myself in the witching hour. Yeah. So stand-up is really great. Like, if I do stand-up, I don't drink. I would never drink until 9.30 at night.

Yeah. But that witching hour, that's where it's tough for me. Waking up, I have no problem waking up home over. As a matter of fact, I would argue it's my superpower, is that I can wake up hungover as fuck, go to the gym, kill it. I mean, kill it. And then after I do, the endorphins that hit me, cold plunge sauna are like through the roof. I feel better after that than I do waking up sober.

That's the truth. Even if you do all, like, so if you woke up, you're stone cold sober, you work out, you do all this stuff, you have a great creative. You think you're worse off if you haven't drank? Sometimes you wake up when you don't drink and you didn't sleep well, but you have no excuse. Right. And you're tired, but there's no reason you're tired. And then you're like, all right, let's just start.

And then if you're on blood thinners, not supposed to have coffee, so you're like, I guess I don't get coffee. Right. I will tell you the one difference. And I'm journaling about this now. I started in my 53, 53, I decided I would journal. Okay. Because I wanted to have more original thoughts. Yeah.

I woke up National Championship 6.30 call time. I woke up a little early and I was going to go work out. And I went to the gym. I was very tired. And I was at the gym and I was like, I feel good, but I'm like, I don't want to work out. I go to the gym and it's packed because it's fucking 20 degrees in New York. And then I decided to go for a walk in Central Park. Here's the difference.

And I saw this. When you're sober and you've been sober for a week, a couple weeks, a few weeks. The blinders open up. Yeah. When you're hung over, you do get blinders. And I watched a dude with blinders just smoking a cigarette, trying to get his dog to take a shit in the snow. And he was like, and you can tell his world was right here. He had been out all night.

He was like, come on, booty. Let's go. Come on. God damn it. Shit already, all right? And he's smoking a cigarette and he's cold. He doesn't have gloves on. No coffee yet.

And he's like, God damn it. And he just wants to go back to bed because his blinders are here. And I'm, you know, I'm sober. I feel great. I got a new lease on life. I'm healthy right now. And all of a sudden, my blinders are out here. And I'm seeing the.

trees and I'm seeing the rocks and I'm going like, I'm shooting like videos to my daughters. I'm sending videos to my daughters about like, yo, I just want you to know how happy I am. That seems better. It is, it is better. But, you know, I mean, you look at like people with depression and you're like, they're not drinking. Maybe they are. Maybe they don't know. I know, but I think I'm a little bit of a different. I feel like I beat myself up in the morning if I've been drinking and I go, let's get after it. Let's get in the gym. Let's push it. Yeah. See how hard we can go. You have like this kind of like Dr. Drew said to me, You call it exercise bulimia where you eat bad and then you work out.

Yeah, my sister called it hypogymnasia. She's like, you go to the gym too much. You're going to the gym because you, if you don't punish yourself as much, you don't have to work out as hard. Yes. And I was like, yeah, but I don't think sober I work out as hard as I do hungover. Sure. Yeah, so maybe you, it's like that little bit of shame is kind of like an edge for you and

it makes you feel a little bit alive. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing like getting up and going like. You piece of shit. You earned this.

You wanted to be out last night. You earned this. No, no, no, no, no. You want to be the fun boy? You want to be the party boy? That's great. That's great. But you're not going to be the fucking joke.

You get in the gym. You sweat this out. And that first second, you feel sweat. I like that feeling where it's like right before you sweat and you feel like you're like a little bit all clogged up and then it breaks. It breaks. Yeah. Dude.

I hate stretching. And I will, I will lean into a stretch and go like, like we do shoulder taps every morning and I'm doing shoulder taps going like this going like if I go slower the sweat starts sooner. Yeah. And I love that feeling of the first sweat. And I love my favorite feeling of any workout is when you finish and you laid on the floor and you just, I love that feeling. Yeah. Yeah, I went to the gym yesterday. I don't, I don't do a lot of gym stuff. I usually just run or swim. It was a good workout, but then I was like, I still have to do the cardio thing to get that feeling. Yeah. Or I'm not like even.

I hungover, use the sweat kicks in so quick. That's true. That's true. What does a day of yours look like? Do you read at night? Yeah, I usually read before bed. Really? Like, my manager. The show just came out. Everyone's trying to talk to me. I know that feeling very. I was going to ask you about that. Like, you know that feeling? I think about it. It's positive and negative. It's like,

you have a day where you crush it or the day that's bad. And it's like, I try to go, like, am I going to waste this entire day, either like, doom scrolling or celebrating? Or am I going to tune it out and just, like, for book publishing? the sales are basically Sunday to Sunday, but then you don't find out where you hit the New York Times list until Wednesday. And so I go like, I'm not going to fucking waste Wednesday or to,

you know what I mean? Like, I'm not going to have an unproductive day because I'm waiting around for news. Or I get the news and then I spend all day celebrating or I get the bad news and I spend all day like, you know, how the fuck, you know? That's really funny. I was thinking about that because I was like,

well, tomorrow's either going to be a good day or bad day. Yeah. But I was thinking about that last night. And I'm listening to you talking about stoicism. And in this stoicism conversation, I heard the boxer slept 11 hours. Yes. And 11.5 hours, right before his fight. And then he slept four hours before.

Floyd Patterson, yeah. Yeah, Floyd Patterson. Yes. And I know that it like probably what, three in the morning, Netflix will get numbers, four in the morning, five in the morning, whenever, like six in the morning, whenever they get numbers. And I know that they're going to text me. Yeah.

Not numbers, but they're going to text me where I land on the chart. And I was in my head, I was like, I'm doing negotiations. I'm like, all right, if Freebert gets in the top 10 breaks top 10 trending, that's a win. Let's just leave it at that. That's a win. And I go, what if it doesn't get in the top 10? And I was like, don't think like that. It's going to get in the top 10. It's got to get in the top 10. Right? And then I was like, but I don't know. And look at the top 10. There's a lot of big is like the hottest show right now. And I'm like, okay, stop. So it's not going number one. We get that. But like, where are we going to go? I go, if it gets number six, that's a win, I go, if it got to number like four, there's, I mean, look, it's got, America's got talent or whatever the big star search just came. And out and all this I go all right stop all this. Unless this I go the Stoic just goes to bed.

Yeah. And the Stoic doesn't worry about it. One of my proudest accomplishments is not the first time I hit number one on New York Times. I remember I was in L.A. doing press. This is when Stilmas was coming out. And I was staying at the Los Angeles Athletic Club, which is all my favorite places in to stay because they have this amazing swimming pool.

And I get up because it's West Coast. So the news is on the East Coast. So I get up, even though I'm getting up early, they have the news. And I can see there's just like, you know, my alarm goes on my phone. I can see just a bunch of texts. And I go, okay, so this is either good news or bad news, right? It's my agent either being like, you did it. It's amazing.

Or like, don't worry about it. You just got, you know, like, it's about the, it's about, it's a marathon, not a sprint. It's a marathon, not a sprint. The fucking is. Yeah. And I was like, you know what? But the guy's the one's the marathon is in at the back. I was like, I'm going to, I was like, I'm going to wake up.

I'm going to go swimming. I'm going to do my journaling. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is crazy talk to me. Keep going. I was like, I was like, I'm going to do my normal routine. as if I don't, like, news good or bad, I'm going to do the routine and then have a good morning. And then that way, whether the news is good or bad, I've had a good morning.

And I'm like prouder of the discipline to do that than the discipline to, that was my first time hitting number one. So the news was good. But I'm actually like, I think back, I was like, when I think back of whether I'm a person who's capable of delaying gratification or like exhibiting some sense of self control, it's that I looked at my phone. knew it was news I wanted and then made a good healthy decision instead of deciding to blow up my day right there. Okay, I'll give you the exact opposite. Okay.

So I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning. And I just woke up naturally, like, oh, I got to go to the bathroom. And I go to the bathroom and I'm like, because I drink a ton of water before I go to bed. I go to the bathroom. I get back in bed, I'm still really tired. I go, I'm going to go to sleep. I go, there's no way they got numbers yet

because I'm thinking L.A. So we go up my sleep, I wake up at like, at like eight. Now, I know that sometimes when you're in L.A., the numbers, you don't get like answers until later in the morning. Like 9 o'clock in the morning is usually where I get it at in L.A. And I go, don't look at Netflix. And then I was like, well, who doesn't look at Netflix? I was like, wait, the answer is there. Were you afraid of the answer?

Yeah. Why don't you find out your truth now? And I go, but don't do it. And I go, why don't you just start your day? And I go, yeah, but the answer is there. Where are we going to not look at the answer? So I go to Netflix and it's just the wind wheels spinning. And I go, no, that's the Lord telling me not to look at Netflix.

Don't do look at Netflix. I closed it. And then I was like, I was like, I'm out. And then I was like, hold on. Okay, let's just go to the, let's go to the login page and see a free bird's on the on the login page, like the where your names are. Yeah. So I go, and it's fucking goddamn Mike Epps.

And I'm like, fucking shit. Okay. So I go, all right, we didn't have a good day. I would be on the, I would be on that, on the login, meaning not, not the, where it's got the, I'm saying where all your accounts are. So I go, no, no, no, no. And so I go to my text and I got like four texts. And I go, okay.

All right. No one's up. I get it. And then one of the texts is a group text. And then the group text I see a name who works at Netflix. And I go, it must be from last night. Yeah. Like it must be from late last night.

Like I congratulated. We were in a group text with all the Netflix people. And so I click it. And it's a screen grab of the top 10 trending. And it's in free birth number two, which I was like, if I could get. Better than you expected. Wildly. like beyond my imagination better.

And then I'm like, and then I read the text. And they're like, congrats, fucking dot, dot, all these great things. And then I go, great. And then I go, yeah, thank God. And then I go to Netflix. I look at Netflix. I see it. And then I see me on the front page and it's like top 10 trending.

And I'm like, nice, nice, dyes. And then I'm like, it's almost like I got, I'm going to this. I apologize to your listeners. I sometimes I tell a story to explain a story. And it's so not helpful. Oh, you're good. I was in Naples, Florida one time. and I got out of a Starbucks and I heard a crash.

My glasses had been fogged over because from the cold to the hot. And I heard a crash. I thought a transformer exploded. And there was a French guy walking towards me and he goes, you are a lucky guy. And I went, yeah. And I thought he just knew me. I was like, I actually am. Just in life.

Yeah. And then he goes, one inch you're dead. And I went, yeah, one inch and I'm dead. And I was like, huh? And as he walked by, I turned around in a huge palm frond, like a 400 pound. like a 400-pound pom-prong had landed at my heels, and it just missed my head. And I realized, had I not stopped, had I not moved forward, or had I stopped a foot earlier to clean my glasses? Yeah.

Had I stopped a foot later, I'd be dead or very badly injured. And I said, wow, I have a second chance at life. And I wish that lasted longer than 30 minutes. Yeah. And so as today I get that news, I go, that's great. And I don't realize, hey, Bert, let's take this good news and figure out how we would have worked out if it had not been good. And let's work on that side of you because also you will get bad news one day. And that bad news would have ruined.

I would be a much different interview today had I not gotten that. And it's so crazy. I have no control over that. And that as we talk about stoicism, I go, I'm sure there's times George Washington was like, that's not the turnout I wanted. God damn it, Bunker Hill or whatever, you know? No, he lost like a lot of battles in the Revolutionary War, like way more than he won. And I bet he fucking journaled the next morning and it was like, God damn it, Martha, this isn't

what I thought was going to happen. My teeth hurt. Like, I'm fucking getting fucked in the ass left and right by these. And then I just go like, instead of going like, it's almost like the gratitude disappears. and I don't have full grasp of how much that should mean to me. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. I think there's a couple things there.

Number one, it's like if you can get good at not seeking out or being so dependent on the good news, it means you're also going to be not so wrecked and vulnerable to the bad news, which is inevitable. Okay, so can you work it backwards forwards? can I work it where I want to start with not getting wrecked by bad news. Yeah. That's a better place to start. Right. And then have it help me with not getting, not getting, and working with the good news because

the bad news will defeat me. I have one day in particular that I remember reading something a guy posted. And it was like, I was just like, like you said, I hit a post and I go, wow, 98,000 likes. And I go, oh, let's see what the big boy is doing today. And then you hit comments and the first one's fucking horrible. 148 replies, all defending me, but that first one hits me and I walk through my backyard, which is beautiful. I mean, I have all the things. Better than you could have ever dreamed of getting in your life. I will say that in my life I wanted yards. I want space. I want yards. And in

L.A., they're hard to come by. And we got so lucky with this house that we have such a spectacular backyard that I had to stop doing the podcast at my house because people were coming to our backyard and go, what the fuck? And I was like, and it started making me self-conscious. But this backyard that I love, and I love walking through the grass under the huge trees in my backyard in L.A. I love walking that long walk to my gym. And I, as I was walking it, I was just couldn't appreciate my backyard for this comment. And I thought, I really thought, got on the treble and I go, I can't, that's the day. I literally had to stop reading all comments because I said, I cannot allow someone who doesn't know me and absolutely doesn't like me, but doesn't know me,

doesn't know me and doesn't like me for whatever reason is internally has to be theirs. I can't have them own a day of mine. Yeah. Like, and then I, they have real estate in my head and I no longer get to enjoy my day. Right. When I've, I deserve to, everyone deserves to enjoy their day. Of course. And I listen, I get it.

I put myself out. I'm putting myself out here. And there are people that won't like this. You talk too much. Why don't you talk more about Socrates or so sorry, it's a Tedden Bill. But like, I understand that I put myself out and I understand that if you're listening, you're allowed to hate me. Sure. You're allowed to live your life and like your life. You just have to figure out a way to do that. Everyone does. That isn't dependent on what other people say. And that's, I think that's the work of it.

I try, like, here's what I would say. Like, let's say you were sitting here on your show. Was it number 22 because, I don't know, something else happened, right? Here's what I would walk through. I'd be like, do you like the show? Yes, I'm very proud of it. Did you have fun making it? I loved it. Did you get better making it?

Yes. By the end, I'm such a better actor. Does it say what you set out to say? Yes. Well, okay, that's complicated. A lot of what you wanted to say. I want, yes, 100%. And then did you make some money on it?

Yeah. Like, you're going down the list. Like, whether people like it or not is like the 15th layer of success. Do you know what I mean? Like what I've tried to do on my books. And I'll give you a thing afterwards that where it's a little bit of the downside to it. But like I try to go like, hey, I already I already fucking won. Like first off I get to do my dream.

So that's a win. Yeah. Second, like I challenge myself on the project that got better. By the way, the way advances work, I'm already in the money. Yeah. Right? And I said what I wanted to say. You know, I had fun while I was doing it.

blah, blah, blah. Like I already got 95% of what I'm going to ring out of this thing. You know, like now if it. happens to become a flywheel and it's spinning off royalties, that's extra. And if people, if it's winning awards and people are saying they like it and it helps them, again, that's all extra. But I already got most of what I could ever expect to get out of it. And I got all the parts out of it that were in my control, right? Like you don't control where it debuts. You don't control what people say about it. So like if your definition of, if your definition of success for

a project, is it largely based on the parts of it that are up to you? Or is it, largely based on the parts that are up to other people. To me, that's what you want to think about. Okay, well, that's really tough. That's really tough. Because I will say as a stand-up comedian, my success is entirely based on their response. So, like, I can't go, but I did great.

They just, you know, I got the money. I got the, like, say I do tonight's show or, I don't know, I don't know where the fuck I am. I thought I was at a theater and I'm not, I'm at, like, some different venue. So I thought there was a place called the Moody Theater. The Moody Theater is an arena.

Okay, whatever. Well, I don't know what the fuck I'm at. There's like five Moody's in Austin. I'm one of the Moody's. Yes. And so... But I think you're in the big one. Where the, where U.T. plays.

No, I played there before. I'm in the smaller one. I'm in like a... But it's like a three-tiered kind of like... It's like ACL Live or something. Yes. Okay. So...

Oh, yeah. Moody Center, Moody Theater. Yeah. And then there's Moody Amphitheater. which is outside. And then there's a moody blues. You're not old enough. That's the band?

Yeah. Okay. I was like, is there a movie? Yes. How old are you? I'm 38. Okay. There's an episode of the Simpsons where they can drive through Vegas and it's just

the moody blues are playing at every, every casino and I think about it all the time. What's your favorite Simpsons quote? Favorite Simpsons quote? Oh. Like, do you have a, like, their favorite Simpsons episode is the trash, the Trash Commissioner episode. becomes the trash commissioner and then the food critic those are my two favorites my favorite so like the things that live rent free in my head number one is when homer's making uh hot dogs for everyone and he goes over to the cop the barn it was a barn not barney uh uh what's his name the cop yeah and he has a

drink he goes topper for the copper i say that almost every top for the copper i say that all the time. And then my favorite quote out of Ennio Simpson's is when they have Stampy the Elephant and Lisa gets Stampy the Elephant and Homer brings clearly an ivory salesman over and Lisa goes, she goes, dad, I think he might be an ivory dealer. And he goes, Lisa, what makes you say that? And she goes, well, I don't know. His boots are made of ivory. His keychain's made of ivory. His belt buckles made of ivory. His hats made out of ivory. He goes, Lisa, clearly was someone with that much ivory would not be in need of more ivory. I told Conan O'Brien wrote that episode.

Oh, we did? I'm almost certain that I told him the first time I ever met him, ivory salesman's my favorite line. And he just rattled it off. I forget what I was saying. Oh, I was saying stand up. Yes. The audience matters. The approval.

So like the machine, my movie, did not do well in theaters. And I ignored that. And it was Tom who brought it to my attention. Maybe rightfully so or not rightfully so. But like it came out. I got a text from Arnold Schwarzenegger and he was like number four in the theaters and the box office isn't bad. Congrats.

That's awesome these days. Well, it only made like $14,000 in the theaters and $14 million. Yeah. It would cost $35 million to make. It did not do well in the theaters. Yeah. But I was like a first grader looking at my lunch box going like, fuck, yes, I love peanut butter and jelly.

I love Twinkies and I'll eat an apple because mom says I'll eat an apple, right? And they didn't look at any other people's lunch boxes. And then I think Tom was the one that was like, so how do you feel about the machine? And I go, fuck, I'm excited. I go, it's awesome. All I was thinking about what you said. I moved to Serbia for three months to make a movie. I made a movie.

I starred in a movie and I saw a premiere of a movie where the response was through the roof with everyone in the theater. Everyone told me how much they loved it. And in my head, I was again, Tom goes, but it, you know, casually just like it didn't, do well in the theater, not to like, but just my best friend. And I went, yeah, but I think it did number four. And he goes out of five. And I was like, in my head, I'm really glass half folding it. And then I started reading, like, I was like, this is when I was reading comments.

I would read like reviews of the movie. And they were somewhat, I mean, they had to be accurate. Because I feel like reviewers, I don't feel like reviewers have a grudge against someone they don't know, right? And so, and they were like, what a narcissist. move to make a movie about yourself. And then I was like, oh. I mean, that's like 90% of art.

Yeah, but then I'm reading them. I'm like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. And I remember some of Netflix was like, casually we're at a Lakers game. This guy that works at Netflix is pretty big up. He was like, nice. I said what? And he goes, tanks in the movie theater is going to crush on Netflix. And I was like, huh?

But I was already in failure mode. I was like, wow, this thing I was so proud of. It's almost like having your kid and send him in the first grade and then finding out your kid's a nerd. And you're like, but I like my kid. Yeah. You know, and then I came back. And then it streamed number one on Netflix movies for a month. It was number one for a month.

And then the reception was crazy, but I already had this negative vibe. See, this is what I mean. Like, your whips on around. Yeah. And something closer to your original opinion of it was actually the accurate thing. That's, I think that's the accurate thing. And I remember, I remember going, I'll tell you another one. I'm going to give you a perfect one.

This is the most accurate one. And by the way, this is one that your listeners will be able to, to go, okay, I can't, I'm not gonna sit and watch a movie. I'm not gonna watch a person, new TV show, please do it's free bird, it's streaming on Netflix. I'd really stand by, that's really good, I think, yeah, thank you. The Tom Brady roast. Yes.

Tom and I did together. I saw, I, we got done, and I was through the roof. I was ecstatic with the experience. It was one of the coolest things I've ever done. I think Tom and I did great, we had a solid double. I don't think we were Nicky or Tony, but, but listen, we weren't, we weren't Kim Kardashian or Ben Affleck, right? So anywhere in between there, I was like, listen, as long as they're not talking about you.

Tom came in the next day and he's like, you know, we bombed. And I went, what? And he was like, we bombed. They say we bombed. They go, who? And he goes, the internet saying we bombed. And I went, I'm not listening to him. Yeah.

And he goes, but they're saying we bombed. And I go, I don't give a fuck. I go, I was there with you. You stood next to me. Like, when we got done, we hugged because we did great. Like the room response. We were in the room, Tom. And then no one that night told us we bombed.

They hugged us and said, great job. So wait, what are we listening to the internet or what our experience was? And he goes, the internet. And I went, why would we listen to the internet? And he was like, that's what they're saying. I mean, you got to acknowledge it. And I was like, I don't. And he goes, well, we're having Tony on the pod, Tony Hinchcliffe on the podcast.

And then Tony really reads the internet. And then Tony's, and then Tom's like, the internet says we bombed. I go, not me. And then Tony just goes, I guess you weren't in the room. And I was like, what the fuck are you? I literally, I think in the podcast, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, I'll give you flowers and say you crushed. But let's not Monday morning quarterback this and say we bombed.

We didn't. But then I was, I'm torn on that Tom Brady roast when people ask me about it because I go, I have Tom, the internet, and Tony's response. And then I go, am I a delusional kid that goes, my experience trumps it? But when you say that, I stand by, I was in that room. Not one person. Listen, the biggest backlash I got out of that is I read everyone's prompter. And I'll stand by that

And everyone can suck my dick I think I fall in love with the idiot That reads everyone's prompter I can't believe that you wouldn't love A What About Bob character Who just sat there reading everyone's prompter And giggling to himself I was shocked that that made people hate me

I thought was hilarious I was like blown away that I go So in my head I was like If you hate me for reading prompter And you're saying I bombed I can't be on your page And that was the first Like right after that

was my first lean into stoicism of like, well, hold on. Am I crazy if I make my truth the truth? Yeah. I mean, look, obviously there's the realities of the business. Like if you're getting up there, you're on tour and it's getting no laughs in the room. Yeah. Like if I go, hey, I care about whether I decompos it. If the book sells zero copies, that's going to affect the advance next time and then the next time.

And then there probably won't be a time after that. Like there is the reality. It's like, same goes like if you're a salesperson, you're like, well, call went well to me. Like at the end of the day, like if they don't buy, you don't get your commission and then they fire you. But like an athlete that is like an athlete's got to go, hey, the shot felt good coming off my hands.

It's not going to go in 100% of the time. Yeah. Right. So like you got to get out of the, what do they think? What's, you got to get out of that and back into the thing as quickly as possible. Back into the thing that makes you. the part that's in your control, which is the act itself and the doing of the whatever it is. My thing, my big, my big force lately has been pull out both sides, try to get rid of both sides, and just stay playful in life.

I want to stay playful. I want to giggle, and there's like a sparkle in life that if you can hold on to that I think that that's my driving force in life. And I want everything to have that shine and that sparkle, you know, and not have to attach alcohol or food to it. to get the shine of sparkle, just to be able to go walk down the street and go, or walk through Central Park and go, I'm seeing all the trees. I thought this beautiful, you know, like...

It should be fun. This should be fun. It should be fun. Stand-up should be fun and silly and goofy, and it's like, that's... But I just always mean life. Why should life sucks in a bunch of ways, so the parts of it that are up to you should be good.

Yeah. Thanks so much for listening. If you could rate this podcast and leave a review on iTunes, that would mean so much to us and it would really help the show. We appreciate it. and I'll see you next episode.