Determined Society with Shawn French | Adversity & Mindset - Empowering Youth in Sports: Nurturing Joy Over Pressure

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

In this conversation, Shawn French and Asia Mape discuss the impact of parental interjection and overcoaching in youth sports. They explore the pressure to win and the desire for college access as driving forces behind these behaviors. They also highlight the need for free play leagues and the importance of allowing children to play for fun without adult interference. The conversation emphasizes the role of coaches and parents in creating a positive and supportive environment for young athletes. Overall, the conversation encourages a more balanced and enjoyable approach to youth sports. The conversation explores the negative impact of parental pressure on young athletes and the importance of changing the narrative. It emphasizes the power of parental influence and the need for parents to be mindful of their conversations with their children. The conversation also highlights the frustration coaches experience due to parental interference and the importance of allowing kids to learn from other coaches. It discusses the dangers of sports becoming the sole identity of a child and the need for a well-rounded identity. The conversation concludes with tips for parents to recognize and improve their behavior, including listening to their kids, seeing the big picture, and practicing mindfulness. Key Conversation Points: Parental interjection and overcoaching can have a negative impact on youth sports, leading to a loss of joy and increased pressure on children. The desire for college access and the fear of missing out contribute to the intense focus on winning and performance in youth sports. Free play leagues can provide a valuable opportunity for children to play for fun and develop their skills without adult interference. Coaches and parents play a crucial role in creating a positive and supportive environment for young athletes, and should strive to balance competitiveness with enjoyment. Connect with Asia Mape: Linktree- https://linktr.ee/iltwyp Website- Ilovetowatchyouplay.com Connect with Shawn: Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/theshawnfrench/ Website- https://theshawnfrench.com/   Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Sean French, what up? This one luck I let the pain inspire me. I put my all and everything I'm doing up until it's done. I'm mean for the entirety. I'm putting overtime. I'll be working.

Just know I'm a go for mine because I earned it. They watch and I know it's time. I confirmed it. I hope. A whole society determined. What's up, everybody. Welcome back to another episode.

I am your host, Sean French. And this is the Determined Society. Today I have with me a three-time Emmy Award-winning sports journalist and founder of I Love to Watch You Play.com. Asia is passionate about youth sports and really, really feels that all youth should have positive experiences surrounding their sports journey growing up. She's also, this is very interesting, all three of her daughters played at an elite level in sports. So I have with me today, Asia Mapay. Welcome to the show. It's so nice to be here, Sean.

Thank you for having me. Absolutely. I'm super happy to have you on. We had it scheduled a while back and then I think one of my kids got sick or something like that or it was one of the holidays where I had a whole zoo full of people here. And just super excited to have you on because I stumbled across your socials and I loved your message. I loved your background, which gave the validity to your message, obviously.

And I mean, we're one of the same. I really resonate with your content and what you're out there trying to help parents and children through with their sports journey. So for those individuals listening now that don't know exactly who you are and what your background is, why don't you give them a little reader's digest version of who you are and where you come from. Okay. Well, you know, I started playing sports at a really young age.

You could always hear the ball dribbling in the background of any family videos. I had two older brothers, and so I was obsessed with sports, and I played sports all the time. And it became a really good outlet for me, you know, whether we were having troubles at home or at school or whatever, I just would go. I'd play pickup games until dark. And I practiced and work on my shot, and I just loved it. And for me, it brought a lot of positive things into my life and opened a lot of doors for me. And I ended up, you know, pretty much every part of my life has been touched by, sports somehow. And that's something I like to talk about a lot, too. It can have such a positive

influence. I mean, my bridesmaids at my wedding were all, for the most part, basketball teammates of mine. I ended up playing basketball in college for a short period of time at Coastal Carolina on scholarship there. Transfer to the University of Michigan where I studied journalism and got into sports journalism. And so for many, many years, you know, I traveled the world covering Super Bowls and Olympics and NBA playoffs and you name it and studying up close and personal and interviewing, you know, the top names, the top athletes and coaches and the experts that help them. And so when this, you know, when I started having my own kids and this idea came around, a friend brought it to me about doing something in the content world around youth sports.

You know, I really thought, well, I have all this experience. I have all these contacts. I love sports. I'm struggling with my own kids. I see how crazy. I think they were like 12, 8, and 7 or 6 at that time. So as you know, Sean, that's like right in the thick of it. And I was felt, I felt exhilarated by it and I loved it.

But I also felt like something is just wrong. Like it's out of control. I felt out of control. So the opportunity to kind of explore that and create content around that, I really welcomed. And, you know, I talk about this a lot. And I've been on a journey along with the website. Really, you know, I kind of started at thinking that I'd have a lot to offer

and that a lot of these experts that I could reach and talk to could share a lot of stuff. And it was a lot of performance-based information back then. And as I've grown and the website has grown, I've come to realize, really, I had as much to learn as anybody. And I feel like, you know, just really grateful that I was, able to sort of explore all these ideas and topics through the website to really be able to help me be a better parent as well. That's awesome. Thank you for sharing that because I'm sitting here listening and you know, you talk about you've gone through your own growing journey as a

sports parent. And you know, I played, you know, high level baseball in the SEC at Louisiana State University. And there's a lot of times where that competitiveness will come out in me and, you know, I'll have to catch myself. And, you know, for instance, this past weekend, you know, my son's on third base and two outs and he doesn't tag up on a fly ball. I'm like, get back here, get back here, get back here, tag, tag. He doesn't listen. And I'm like, I just shook my head and I'm like, hey, bro, you got to listen to me, man. And then it's, hey, okay, now there's two outs.

Crack of the bat and you need to be going home. Don't look, just go. Next pitch, pop up to the third baseman, and he's stuck. He doesn't go anywhere. and I raised my voice. I was like, you got to go. If I tell you to go with two out, you got to go. And he's 10, okay?

And he burst into tears. I'm like, are you seriously crying right now? And that in that moment of like that, I'm just going to call it what it is, that athlete rage, I felt it. I felt it like you're really crying right now. All I'm doing is coaching you. That's all I'm doing right now.

And I sat there. Right, Sean? What's a man? You're yelling this as a parent on the side or are you as coach? I'm as coach. Okay. No, yeah, no. I tend to see you out of la boca when I'm in the stance because that's what parents should do.

But, you know, I got into him, laid him into him a little bit when he got back to the dugout. And I ended up saying to him like, hey, man, I'm sorry, upset you. You know, I don't ever want to make you cry. Your daddy's a little bit of a competitor. So maybe I came at you the wrong way. And for that, I'm sorry. I'm like, but dude, you got to listen. Like, we really need to listen. So those are those moments where I feel like I'm still growing. But overall, I'm a much more tame in Sean French than I used to be. But it is a journey. And so with that, you know, I want to use this opportunity to segue into my first topic I'd like to discuss.

these athletes male and female athletes are getting enough coaching and instruction and sometimes heated instruction from the field from the court in the pool with these coaches the last thing they need is their parents piping off in the stands how have you seen parental interjection kind of put more pressure on kids and causing them to really hate playing sports yeah i think that's exactly it right you take away the joy especially when they're young. And by the way, I love your story. I think it's really important to like note and share with parents that you don't really, it's hard to change who you are and who your natural sort of competitive tendencies are and, you know, your response. But like, what you can do is

grow and learn and get better and find things that work for you. And then look, if you still have mess ups, which I still do as well and we all do, then you'll call. When it comes to what your family eats and drinks, you know your choices matter. You're the expert because you know what fits your life. And getting it right starts with good information. That's why America's beverage companies are sharing more information about our ingredients at good to know facts.org. No spin, no judgments, just the facts straight from the experts for more than 140 beverage

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Right? There's just like there, there's nothing wrong with that. And that's a really valuable lesson for your son too, right? But like, yeah, dad can make a mistake. Dad can lose his head sometimes. But like you apologize and you owned it and then talked about like maybe moving forward the next stuff. So I do like, I know we have a huge problem, but I think shaming parents and, you know,

making them feel bad about these are natural feelings. You know, our culture is set up to idolize athletes and to, you know, get so invested in sports. And then you put something that is ours or came from us into that, right into that mix. Like how can you really even, you know, blame a parent for having those kinds of feelings? I think it's really all about sort of helping each other and learning things that can help you not do those as much. And you might not ever change your reaction inside, but how that comes out and what you do, you know, at the games and later behind closed doors, you know, you can change and you can get better at. So I just wanted to say, I loved your story. Thank you. And then back to

what was your question now? Now I've forgotten it. It happens, right? It's just, you know, the interjection from parents yelling and screaming from the stands, how is that impacting their youth as far as them even like not wanting to be there or just not wanting to play in general. Well, I mean, that stat, right? 70% of kids are quitting new sports by the time they're 13. And when you dig deep into that, there are many reasons for that, right? Like sometimes kids just find other things that interest them more. And that's great.

My daughter did. She fell in love with art. Sometimes it's just, you know, grades in school become more important. It's not all related to adults, but I think when you dig into a lot of those kids and ask the deeper questions, adults have ruined it for them. Yeah, yeah. The fact that an eight, you know, eight year old goes up to shoot a free throw

and misses it at a key time and has to hear parents berate them from the side, like who wants to do that or their own coach or their own parents? Like, I think there's just a ton of pressure on kids today. We've forgotten that it should be about fun and all these other lessons and such a small percentage go on to play at the next level, that when you rob these kids of all the joy and the fun of it, and you make it so all important, and, you know, everything is based on outcomes

and whether or not they're winning or making the first team or this or that, it's just like we've kind of lost our way, and it's really kind of a no-brainer that the kids don't want to play and the ref don't want a ref, right? It's pretty hard out there. It's not a nice, fun place like it should be. No, I mean, there's so much to unpack there, right? We're talking about children in their perspective, you know, and then coaches, you brought coaches and then refs, right, or umpires or whatever, you know, I mean, there's so many aspects here

that come into play when we're talking about youth sports. And I can just go back to remembering when I was, you know, 10, 11, 12 years old. I'd get to the ballpark early at like 9 a.m. My game might not be until 4. And I was there playing around, having fun with my team, you know, my guys, we were playing pickle. We're, you know, eating food and watching games and just really enjoying the experience. And I don't remember at that age. I mean, I remember my dad, you know, getting on me a little bit, but I don't remember coaches really being a yelling atmosphere, like at that level. You know,

there were some coaches that a little more intense and you kind of looked at it. I'm like, dude, we're like little, man. But now it's gotten to be something that when I, at all costs. And I there's a couple situations in the local babe Ruth, literally whatever you want to call it that my son's in like man, these these coaches are like they're treating everything like game seven of the world series. And it's when at all cost, it doesn't matter. And at this level it needs to be about development. Because to your point, Asia,

a lot of these children go on to choose something else they're passionate about, whether it's writing or, you know, doesn't matter. It could be model, you know, you know, doing model cars, it doesn't matter. They're not all going to continue playing sports, but I think there's a lot of early exits because of the high level of stress

that is in youth sports nowadays. And I'm curious, because I have my own opinions, right, on where it comes from, but where do you feel this stems from? Why is it that parents and coaches feel the need to have to win and then for their kid to be seen at such a young age? Yeah, well, you know, I think it's partially to do with social media and it's so out there now.

We all know what each other's kids are doing. And so there's an element of ego, obviously, that gets involved. But then I think more than anything, it's sort of this college, access to college, especially, you know, in many circles that, you know, it becomes, it's not even scholarship. I know really, really wealthy people that can afford to pay for the schools. It's just trying to get into the colleges. And I don't know. I think in society in general, there's this. feeling that kids can't do anything any longer just for fun, that they all have to be

masters at everything they do and the best at everything they do. And it transfers not just to sports, but it's in music, it's in dance. I hear it from a lot of parents that have kids doing other things besides sports. It's an academics. It's sort of like we're coming at all these things in such a pressure-packed way. And why that happened? Whether you know, I don't know, the money obviously drives everything, right? And now there's four-year-old club teams. And so if your kid isn't on the four-year-old club team, how's he going to make the five-year-old club team? And then he's six. And now he's never going to play in high school because he couldn't get on to the six-year-old club team. And so, you know,

money drives a lot of that, I think. But then this parents and our fear of FOMO of missing out, I think is a huge part of it as well. Yeah, I mean, I can speak to baseball because I see a lot of it. That's my world. You're one upset parent and a checkbook away from another travel organization. I mean, it's crazy to me, right? If they're unhappy, these parents are unhappy and their kids aren't getting the looks that they want them to get, well, maybe they're just not better than the person in front of them. And that's okay too, right? But what they do is they start this another travel ball program. And then they go and they go to all these tournaments. And these young kids are playing way too much baseball. They're getting burned out. You know,

they're taking pictures with second place rings on Instagram and showing this big ring. It's like, y'all aren't even going to remember that when you're 20. And it's sad because, you know, right there's that pressure to win at all costs. Right there is that. And now again, I'm a competitor. I'm not saying that I don't want to win. I want to win everything that I'm doing, right? But I also understand that it's not going to happen.

Like, we're going to have some losses. And those are the opportunities where if we lose, we can actually become better than if we would have won that game, right? Because we have the opportunity to get better at certain things that may not have been exposed if we won because you just forget about them, right? But, you know, my biggest thing is like the travel ball, the perfect game, the player rankings, the early commits. And like, to your point, social media has exploded it to a point where you're seeing more parent ran Instagrams for these kids. which is fine. I mean,

building a brand is huge now. They have to, you know, with NIL when they get to college and now it's coming to high school. I mean, in Idaho, it's already approved.

Yeah. It just keeps adding, right? Just going to be a whole other next level now. It's next level. And what it is, it's like the comparison game, right? It's like,

I know juniors right now here in Florida that are really good baseball. players and they will end up playing d1 somewhere but they're playing the game now as if every at bat rides on a scholarship or not and that is i just don't know i i just i hate that we're there yeah it's it's tough and there's a lot of research out there and a lot of people are talking right now about this like idea that you know under a certain age it's like teaching grammar before you can talk. And it's not even just about development because that's actually putting constraints around and sort of form around what they should be doing. But it's really about playing for fun with no adults

watching. And obviously, we don't do that anymore or nearly as much because of the way society is and fear of letting kids just run the streets. But there's a lot of talk and I keep seeing this, Sean, everywhere. And I think it's coming. I hope it's coming of leagues being set up for kids that are younger that are just free play because it's not just to your point it's not just going to stop the burnout and the mental burnout the physical burnout but it actually is going to help them play a lot better and help them be much better by the time they get to a point where it really matters because the creativity is there there's a connection with their brain and their body of the free thinking and playing when nobody is screaming at you or told you exactly what you have to do and

So this is exciting. And I really hope that, you know, some of these come to be because I think that's really an important, important thing that needs to change with how our youth development is doing it right now. Yeah, I like that. I haven't heard anything about that. You're in the West Coast, right? Yeah. Is that more out there that they're talking about it?

Because I haven't heard anything. It's more thought pieces right now. I haven't seen it in action yet. I think it's people doing some talking the former Harvard tenant. coach. He's, I think 30 years, he was the coach there. He's really starting a movement around it. And then I happen to see another Canadian hockey thing. I can share some of the stuff with you. I would love that. I'm just literally seeing it pop up all over. So I think it's something people are thinking about right now, but I haven't seen it in action yet. Yeah. I mean, I just, I think about these

kids now and at all levels. And it's heartbreaking. Because I mean, when I was in high school, yes, you know, I was aware of the fact that I have two years left. And if I want to keep playing baseball, I better find a place to play. But I didn't play every game worried about that, right? I kind of felt like, I mean, there was this more of this confidence level back then. It was like, someone will find me. You know, it'll be fine. I'll figure this thing out.

You know, I've got a great arm. I can play. Yeah. Going somewhere. But now I just think it's in their face so much and they're reminded, you know, of what they don't currently have. And these free play leagues are going to be great for kids that just want to go out there and play.

You know, because that's what Little League used to be. Well, I mean, the hope is they're also great because the science backs it up for the kids that want to play even past high school. Because they're not getting the opportunity to go out and try things and be creative.

and, you know, move your body in all different ways and play different positions and not have coaches on top of your every movement or parents. So, I mean, I hope it becomes a way of life for everybody, not just leagues for the kids that don't have aspirations of going any farther. No, I agree with you. I don't think there's, I mean, there's, listen, it goes both ways, right? Either it's coming from the coach or coming from the parent from, you know, in the stands. I think both are wrong. Okay, every time the pitch is thrown, you're correcting a pitcher's movement. Every time a hitter takes a bad swing, you're talking about what he needs to do or how she needs to approach the next pitch.

Don't you think they know? Like, they know. They don't need that reminder, right? Because here's the thing. The only thing they're going to do is they're pressing more in the batters box now. And there is a severe amount of overcoaching going on, right? to what end though? Like, because, and here's, here's why I think it is.

I'll sit there and I'm coaching third base and I'm what, anytime any other kid comes up, I'm cool as a cucumber. Anytime my kid comes up, I'm like, like, it's just, because he's little, he's 10 and he's playing in majors, and he's got to figure this thing out. And, you know, I'm playing him up because the talent pool suggested that I needed to bring him up this year. So I get to have it, he gets to be there for three years, you know,

and learn and get better. And he's getting a little dominated this year. But he's putting the ball in play. He's learning the game. And I'm loving watching him. Just to grow into his own little dude out there, right? But, you know, I understand the feeling as a parent. I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

So for parents out there listening, I feel you. I get it. I get it. And I'm not here to beat you all up. I know sometimes I can come a little. hard and, you know, talk about it. But that's just me. I'm passionate.

Sometimes we need it. You know, it's like, you know, here's the reality. I think coaches that overcoach, there's a special place for him and they shouldn't be the head people. They should not be the ones in charge. And just like the parents, like there's, every time your kid is at practice and the coaches are coaching them, you should not be talking to him. You should not like there's it.

Listen, I have. this poor kid his poor kid his father literally coaches him while the coaches are talking to him and and you know i so i played division one baseball the other coach played division one baseball who yo zoleta is one of our coaches who played in the major leagues and played over in japan and played in the world baseball classic hey yo we got this right we the pedigree is this is not just three dads coaching like you you have the opportunity to let to kind of loosen the reins and let your kid learn from somebody else. But the amount of you can see it starting to affect the kids play.

So scared to even move his body because he's afraid he's going to be wrong. What I worry about is. What do you do? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I, you know, at the beginning, I just, I just said to, hey, I said, hey, look, when we're coaching him, do you mind just letting us handle it? because, you know, these kids are feeling enough pressure as it is.

You know, if we're talking to him and try to make an adjustment and then you're talking over us, it's very difficult for the child to understand. He's going to have an allegiance to the parent and he's not going to listen to us. And it's going to become very noisy for him. And so that was the first conversation. A second conversation was like, hey, man, you're doing it again. I really need you to make an effort, bro. I really need you to make an effort.

and the last time I was moving him you know pre pitch moving him he wasn't playing double play depth he's playing second base and I'm moving him and the daddy's moving him back

to the three four hole Asia I lost it I'm like hey stop we want him there if you want a coach fill out the paperwork I'm like I and then he moved him

and the kid listened and the ball was hit throw an hand side, up the middle, where I had them playing, and it was base it and two runners scored. And I yell back, this is why I coach. And this is why you don't. I mean, like, that's, I can be very kind at the beginning. But then if it becomes chronic, I have no chill about it.

And that's where we're at. But I mean, the whole point to the rant is it affects the kids. It's really sad. It really does. And you see it all the time, the lack of confidence. Well, the quitting is the obvious one, the lack of confidence, the confusion out there, the pressure. I mean, it really does it.

It's so detrimental and counterproductive to anything. I mean, it doesn't. There's going to be good coaches. There's going to be bad coaches. There's going to be, you know, to try to step in into that role as a parent. It just is never good. You know, you can talk about things if the kid is over. into it later or after the game or something, but it's so undermining and adds such a toxic layer.

And I know that it's coaching is one of the most difficult professions to be really awesome at because it has such a diverse skill set, right? Here you are trying to work with these kids and having to manage a parent that has already three times not listening to what you've said, right? And, you know, I don't know what the solution is ever. You know, I have heard of some creative ways that I know there's one baseball league where if they, I think it's more yelling at the refs, but it probably could be too at kids or whatever, that if they're told two or three times, then they have to umpire games until they're allowed back to watch. I mean, I do think that there could be more agency around how leagues and teams are able to handle this.

Because it really is, I mean, that's the last. thing you need to be dealing with when you've got whatever however many kids running around and the logistics and the team party and the this and that I mean it's you know you're you're playing a the team psychologist slash the X's and O's slash the logistics I mean it's really um coaches have their hands full and and I also just think parents need to you know respect that and appreciate that and try to help as much as we can instead of make things more difficult for our coaches. And look, not every coach is going to be great. And a lot of times you're going to have new coaches and, you know, coaches that are stuck in their ways on things.

But, you know, unless they're toxic and really, you know, doing some detrimental thing to your child, that's also good lessons, right? Like, you're not going to have great teachers or great bosses all the time or whatever and learning how to, you know, hear what needs to be heard and letting the rest light off your back and, you know, asking more questions or whatever it is. There's a lot of great things to be learned from all those situations. Southwest Florida is one of the most beautiful places on the planet to live. For those of you that are thinking of moving from other states to come to Florida or even just moving to a different part of the state, I want you to think of a big, beautiful luxury home. Contact legacy luxury builders. They are a family-owned and operated luxury residential construction company. As a family-owned business, they believe in the power of building, not just home.

homes, but legacies, contact legacy luxury builders. The nightmare feeling like you'll never measure up of constant second guessing and self-doubt. It eats away at you and destroys your confidence. I've been there too. Feeling like I didn't belong on the field with my teammates, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I used to compare myself to everyone around me. I thought that no matter how hard I work, I'd never be as good as the other guys. It killed myself totally.

I now help athletes develop an elite mindset, so comparison no longer, longer controls them. You teach techniques to cut out the negative self-talk and unlock the full potential. Imagine stepping into the box when it counts the most and feeling totally confident in your ability, feeling invincible instead of insecure, ready to seize the opportunity instead of shrinking from it. That's the mindset I help athletes develop. Don't waste another minute on comparison and self-doubt. Take control of your mindset and become the confident, unstoppable competitor you were meant to be. DM or comment below to get started with edge and transform your mental game.

One of the things that I loved about playing baseball as a young child and going into my teenagers and into my 20s was I got the opportunity to be coached by a lot of different people. And I got to learn from a lot of different coaches. And I also got to learn what pieces of the puzzles fit. And that's a skill, right? I think that's a skill. I mean, because now in building my brand and in the two companies, companies I own. I have a lot of feedback coming at me, right? People, you know, sometimes from the cheap seats, don't listen much there, but sometimes I do because maybe they're right, right?

Like, is there something I can do better? Well, let me, let me, let me dive into that a little bit. I think we always have to be open to the aspect of, hey, my way is not the only way. And maybe I can be a little bit better and more efficient. So I think, you know, that's why I'd loved having multiple coaches and even the ones that I just thought were crazy. and you could tell that they just weren't very good. And their advice was way out of left field. And they're trying their best, though. They're trying to coach you.

They want to be a part of it. It's like, yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir. And then you go and you just do what you were doing. And they're like, out of boy! He's like, oh, my God. But, I mean, you know, that's the thing. Like, I want young athletes now to be able to decipher, you know, what works and what doesn't.

The reaction now is they throw the hands up like, well, so-and-so is telling me to do this. Now, you're telling me to do that. It's like, hold on, guys. Let's take a big, deep breath because like this is, we're not at war right now. We're on a baseball field. This is like the most fun you'll ever have in your life. And it's increasingly not fun for these kids. Yeah.

Well, they're getting backloaded, right, by the parents too often. It's a lot of negative toxic. And I love to write. about this because I feel very strongly about it. You know, and this is like a good example, right? You get a boatload of kids in the car for the carpool and it's a basketball team and the kids are complaining because the new kid was brought up and, oh, and he made us run sprints because he didn't know the plays and, you know, why did coach bring, you

know, and as a parent, right, you have two choices right here. You can listen, or three, you can listen quietly and say nothing. As too many parents do, they chime in, yeah, why are they always bringing up, you know, more players. We're never going to get enough time. Whatever. I think that's the typical response, unfortunately. Or you can really change the trajectory of these three kids that are

in the car and talk about, well, look, didn't you get brought up when you were a freshman? And maybe you should think about how that felt. And you know, don't you remember trying to learn the plays? And, you know, parents, I think too often are so ready to just jump on that bad wagon of toxicity

and really like detrimental. You know, they're sort of like they can do so much positive with behind the scenes, how they're talking to their kids and influencing them and so much negative. And I think part of the whole problem here is really also how parents are relating to their kids about it behind the scenes. Or the coach doesn't start someone for the game and you're behind the scenes telling your kid at home, well, she doesn't know what she's doing. She's really like, you know, green and she shouldn't be, she shouldn't be coaching varsity.

She's like, or are you saying she's, she's a new coach. She's figuring it out. Maybe she has a plan. You know, it's just so much power in how we're, you know, having conversations with our kids behind the scenes. And I think so often, I think this is one of the reasons why coaches are so frustrated with parents. We're really just causing so many extra headaches and problems instead of working towards a common

goal. Yeah, I mean, it's a great point because you can tell when a kid, When a kid leaves, you have a kid, maybe they have a rough game. And you're coaching them through it and they're open. And they get to practice the next day and they're completely closed down on you. You know what happened. You know what happened. Hey, that dinner conversation was brutal, man.

You know, it's like, oh, I see what's going on. And the one thing that I think that, you know, it teaches at a deeper level, it teaches that mommy and daddy are always right, which they're not. I'm a parent of three. I'm wrong a lot. Okay. and I always own up to when I'm wrong because I want my kids to be able to do that. But mommy, dad, aren't going to always know everything. And, you know, they're teaching the kids to only lean on them.

And in life, you get to a certain age. Like, I'm sorry, I don't lean on my mom anymore. I don't. I love my mom. You know, I don't have much of relation with my dad if, or actually, if at all. but even if I did, I wouldn't be leaning on him, right? I'd be leaning on feedback from professionals, from people that are doing the same thing that I'm doing, my wife, heck, even my kids, hey, what do I do really well?

What do I do poorly? You know, because I need to know this stuff, right? And the kids usually have some really good perspective, especially my little girls, man, I can tell you that much. but yeah, I just think those dinner conversations, you know, parents, I know we're going in a lot of different directions now, but this is such a big topic and so much to cover. It's something that, you know, Asia's just very passionate about,

something that I'm passionate about because I see kids completely ruined by it, whether it's from a coach or a parent. We got to let these kids experience coaches and learn, from other people. And the problem about baseball is everybody's played it. Right? It's like if I had to coach soccer, I would probably be the most humble coached out there ever because I don't know

anything about soccer, right? But baseball at some level, someone's had exposure to it. You know, and it's typically the dads that didn't go do what they wanted to do in the game that are pushing the kids so much. And it's so easy to see. And it's hard.

And I think, you know, it's good to note that it doesn't always have to be so overt either. You can see the screamers. You can tell the dinner table discussion that changed someone's whole thing. But I know for my own experience and with my oldest daughter, and I don't know if your son that you keep referring to is your oldest or not. He is. Yeah, see, we learn a lot on our oldest, unfortunately, for them. So, you know, I know it couldn't, I wasn't a screamer.

I wasn't, you would never classify me as a crazy sports paranovic. I was already doing. I love to watch you play through some of her sports. But it can be really subtle, you know, where like a lot of the conversation is about it, or there's no sleepovers on game days, or I'm always pressing healthy foods. And I'm not saying those things are bad or that they shouldn't happen occasionally when it's important. But there's very subtle ways where we're sending the signal that sports are all important and more important than anything else that they're doing. And I was definitely guilty of that.

I felt very strongly about showing up as your best self on game day and every other day that they were playing sports. And I think, you know, I took that to a level that was detrimental. I don't. And I also could be very harsh and, you know, negative. When I wasn't, you know, that smiling face in the crowd, I was like that, you know. The scowling. She was scowling. And had definitely some good, some yells in there as well. But I think that, like, there's a lot of ways, you know, those subtle ways that I'm talking about that can really affect a child. And I know that we don't want to walk around with kid gloves and so worried.

Like, I just have to be able to handle stuff. What I'm talking about specifically here, though, is when sports and the decisions you're making as a parent are letting your child believe that sports are more important than them. And it can be in very subtle ways. And I think we all just sort of need to check ourselves around that. I've done a much better job with my other two daughters. But I have to catch myself, too, because it's my natural inclination because I love sports and I love winning. And I want to see them doing well. And so like when I have that same reaction, like, oh, she would have listened to me.

If she wouldn't have to, but you have to check yourself. It's just not worth it. It's just not worth it. Like, what are we doing that for? Like the big picture, it's a making them stressed and nervous and all these things we've been talking about. It's going to make them not like the sport, right? And it's going to damage your relationship with them.

I had a great, a woman reach out and write an article. It was a good job, but. And this is like a great example of this as well. Her dad, who could sometimes be a yeller, but it was always this feeling that you're not good enough. Good job at that, but good job. And I think that's where a lot of our athletes hear and feel and internalize. And it's a lot around sports and it's just, or academics or whatever they're doing. But it's like, yeah, it's never, it's like this feeling that they're never good enough.

And so, I mean, there are very overt ways that we pressure our kids too, right? We're forcing them to play when they're sick and injured and concussed or whatever. I had this one mom come down on the field during one of my daughter's soccer games and scream at the coach to keep her in after a hard fall. Turn out she had a broken arm. Like, I mean, those are like overt examples and there are too many of those. But there's a lot of really subtle ways, too, I think, that parents sort of need to be aware of. You know, it really, I want to make this point and then I want to help them out because I know you have some tips for parents and right.

I want to highlight that. I mean, and, you know, start landing the plane a little bit, so to speak. Those overt ways that you're talking about and all the dinner conversations, the yelling from the stands, it creates this identity, right? It creates this sole identity to the sport that you're tied to. Okay. So I was Sean French, the baseball player. And when I was done at LSU and the last out was recorded in the 2003, College World Series, Asia, I didn't know who I was. I had no clue. Immediately, immediate identity

crisis to a point where fell into deep, dark depression, and I was doing whatever I could to fill that empty void, that void I had inside me, inside my soul, because I didn't turn, my baseball career didn't turn out the way I thought it was going to turn out, right? But all through, all through me growing up, you know, I didn't know any better. This is this. This is. This who I am. You know, and I think that that is happening more now. That is happening more now. You are an athlete. You are a baseball player. You're a soccer player. That's what you are. A hundred percent. And I'm guilty of that. I mean, I think sports are so big in our house and watching sports, enjoying sports, playing sports. I think about that a lot, Sean. And I don't have a solve on that

one yet because I just I really need to figure it out in my own my own life my oldest daughter she you know could not take it one more second being an athlete and she's defined her own path with art and she has a lot of amazing interest and I think about that all the time how cool that is yeah and my daughters and myself too you know we're all about sports we love sports and look your one ACL tear away from never playing again possibly or never coming back again to be the same athlete or whatever. And so I think that's such a great point that you have to have a lot of other things going on in your life. And, you know, I am fortunate like, you know, there's a lot. I mean, but a lot of them tie back to physical activity in our world. But there is, you know,

a lot of ways that we can improve in that area, I think, in my own home. And so, I love that because it's so important. You hear that again. When I was working as a television producer, I interviewed Icky Woods, remember? Yeah, I don't know your audience. Oh, yeah, I remember. Icky shuffle. Yep, yep.

He was selling meat door to door. Like so many of these former athletes are lost without their sports. And it's a real issue. And it doesn't matter if you're 15 or you're 45 when you stop playing. or whatever, it's a thing. And so making sure they're, A, that the people in your life and the adults in your life, you know, see you as more than an athlete and expose you to things that have nothing to do as sports and that you inside internalize that.

And it's a really, really good, important thing. I'm glad you brought up. Yeah, thank you. I love that. That's great insight. And it's funny because was it Saturday? We had a parent come up to us or no, it was the kid. Hey, I can't come to practice tomorrow.

I'm like, hey, what's going on? well you know I play bass you know in the in the in the band and I got I'm so sorry it's been playing I looked at him and I'm like confused he's like you're mad I'm like no what I'm upset at is the fact that in society you're scared to talk about us to talk to us about this right now I think it's great that you're doing something else I think it's fantastic you're enriching your experience you're training your brain in certain ways that a lot of these other kids will never be able to do brother miss practice I mean it is what it is, right? But you have kids out there that are doing other things and we have to encourage

them. You know, we have to encourage these kids to do other things because if we don't, they are human doings, not human beings. And that's where everything goes wrong. And, you know, again, if you are only good at one thing, that's really tough, especially when that one thing ends. Maybe that kid doesn't get to play high school baseball. Now what? But maybe he turns into an amazing musician and he's in bands and he tours the world. Like, I don't know the answer. And we don't either, but we have to allow these children to

go experience other things. I love that story. I love that story. And I've had a few talks where I'm addressing mostly coaches and league admins and stuff. And I always say that. When someone comes up to you on the side and says, oh, hey, coach, I can't go.

Or I've got a birthday party or my grandpa's, whatever, you know, like, say it loud so you got to make that be a known thing yes go to the birthday party go do that I mean under a certain age yeah this is like a no-brainer I just had someone talking about 11-year-old who tore the racie out all that is out all soccer season and they're making the child go to all the practices and I was like why why would you do that like they're and I'll tell you why Because they're afraid then when they come back, then that's the 12 or 13 you.

That's one year before the college stuff start. It's just it's craziness. And they have to, you know, they have to allow room. And I think it comes a lot from the coaches. Yeah. The coaches have that kind of response and that kind of openness. And I'm so glad that you do. Then I think the parents will ease up and the kids will ease up.

And everyone will get to have a much more, you know, you know, interesting childhood and just a tendency. I mean, I wasn't always that way, right? I wasn't always that way. But if I look at the coach I was in 2013 when I was a head coach at a high school, like I don't want to be, I don't want to play for that guy. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I don't.

I mean, I can look back and like, no wonder why teams underachieved. I was putting so much darn pressure on them. And every time I see one of them, I go, man, I'm so sorry. Yeah. I love you. And they love me, right? They love me. We're close. But, you know, they love me then, but I was hard to play for. So I want to, you know, I want to give the parents some tips and some of the coaches too, right? We've talked about certain ways that we are trying to get better, right? and we recognize it. How can you help a parent recognize

and then start taking action on getting better when they are the ones that have their kids and they are just pretty much strangling them to death because they're all over. I'm like, how can we help that parent right now that's listening? I think unfortunately, right, until they go through something really hard with their own children,

It's so hard to get those parents. Usually it's the one that are already kind of starting to think about it. Or they've, you know, seen, you know, for me it took seeing the issues that my daughter was starting to have anxiety and having, you know, our relationship suffer from it. And I think it's hard to get people sort of in this mindset until there's something that happens to them immediately. Yeah. But I think a lot of people recognize, although they're pushing it down. They know, like I said, when I first started, I'd love to watch you play. And I felt like exhilarated by e-sports, but I also felt like there was something wrong with how much I was feeling and what we were going through and what we were putting the kids through.

And I think a lot of people do feel that way, whether they've admitted it yet or not to themselves. But once you can kind of get to that place where you want to get better, or you want to improve, there are a lot of things. You know, there are a lot of things. I would start with listening, really listening. And for those with younger kids, it starts when they're little so that the trust is built. So that when they tell you something and it's you're not, okay, here's a great example, my oldest daughter where I had to learn these hard lessons, she started to say that she,

you know, wasn't loving her, didn't want it. And in my mind, oh, she's just lazy. She wants to do it. You start to make excuses. I don't know listening. I wasn't really hearing how she felt. And so once you sort of like, oh, she's just, you know, you kind of, you, because it's not what I wanted to hear.

She'd put a ton of time and energy. And she went from wanting to play in the Olympics and not wanting to play at all in like four years, three years. And that is their right. Okay. She, when they're, when she, you're an eighth grade and you say you want to. play in the Olympics, it is not okay for parents like myself at the time to, okay, well, you said you wanted to play in the Olympics. You keep throwing that back at them in 10th grade. How are we

going to get here unless you do this, this, this, and I'm not saying that you don't keep them on a path if they're interested in it and they love it because there will be times. Every professional athlete has had times where they didn't want to do something, wanted to quit. I'm not saying every time they have a win, you're like, okay, stop. But after a while, if it's not changing and you've been having some good conversations with them, you need to make an adjustment, whether it's a day off of practice and you go get ice cream, a week off of practice, or an entire season off of practice. I see so many kids stop playing and come back. It's a grind, right? So listen to your kids. What do they want? It's not about my agenda. It's not because she could

have played in college. I don't know if she could have played in the Olympics. She 100% could have played in college. But that became my agenda, not her. I stopped listening. So I think that from a very young age, having that kind of communication and that dialogue and letting them make their decisions in their life, they know what they want. And hold them to it. Look, social media is a huge pull. And I feel like my kids could be on Instagram all day if I didn't, you know, stop them from doing. I'm not saying like, okay, you want to do nothing all day. Yay, go do that. Like if there's something else they want to do with their time or if, you know, they love it, but it's just like a temporary thing. Like, you have to know your child, but actually listen.

I think seeing the whole picture, right, because we can get really caught up in that moment or that age of, you know, like, okay, they're never going to make it or they're the best, right? And the development thing is like in circles and this. That's how youth develop. And I think that pressure a lot of times comes. I'll give you a great example. My daughter plays soccer at Ohio State. She's a freshman.

And when she didn't start club until sixth grade, she played every sport. When she was little, little, she wanted to be a cheerleader. Great, whatever. Then sports for sixth grade. Then she started, she was really good. And she was like being asked these national training, local training camps, not the like big national ones, but the local ones to see if they want to bring you to those. She got asked those a few years.

Then there was a period where she wasn't even starting on her club team. Okay. And she barely played. And then she was really good in high school for a year, got hurt. We went through a year and a half where she was coming back from that and trying to get. her fitness back, wasn't being highly recruited. Then there was, you know, this. Then she's like the venture player of the year. It's all over the place. And so puberty, hormones, friends, this, that, everything. It's up and down and all around. And so I think for our own sanity,

parents need to sit back, look at that big picture, right? And it's not about playing soccer at Ohio State either. It's about having these great experiences through their whole years of when they want to, till they want to stop playing. So I think those two are big ones, the support versus pressure, you know, which we talked a lot about already. That's huge. That's everything. I think for me, and I don't know about you, Sean, if this is part of your practice, but a mindfulness practice, come to your senses. You're sitting there, this is like for today, If you're going to the practice or the game and you're struggling with these kinds of things, again, don't beat yourself up about it.

This is how we feel. We are watching our children do something that is really exciting. But it's their journey, their experience. Don't hijack it with your own. And you can do that by mindfulness. And it's come to your senses. Start to feel the bleachers on your bottom. Feel your toes on the thing.

What noises do you hear? You literally think about your senses. when you're feeling yourself starting to get agitated, starting to get upset or too excited or whatever. And you kind of have a little separation between you and what's happening out there for your child because, again, it's not your journey. It's their journey. So those would be three things that kind of top of mind for me. Absolutely love it. I'm 100% in and mindfulness is huge. You've got to lean into your feelings. You've got to lean into the moment. And that's the only way that you know how to pivot from there. So thank you so much for coming on. You know, everybody that

listen to the show, please share the episode, you know, give us a review and you can find Asia on I Love to Watch You Play.com. Please go to that website, consume the content, go to her Instagram, which is the same handle. I love to watch you play and dive into this movement because I'm telling you, she knows what she's talking about, not from a standpoint of being on top of a mountain, but for being a parent herself and making the same mistakes that myself and y'all are making. But the difference is coming at it from a mindfulness state and really truly wanting these kids to do it for their own good and not for the reasons we want. So with that said, everybody, thank you so much for listening.

And don't forget to come back for more amazing episodes. But if this episode touched you and made you think a little bit, share alongside of a sports parent that you know needs to hear this message. And we thank you and we love you. Peace out. Southwest Florida is one of the most beautiful places on the planet to live. For those of you that are thinking of moving from other states to come to Florida or even just moving to a different part of the state, I want you to think of a big, beautiful luxury home. Contact legacy luxury builders. They are a family-owned and operated luxury residential construction company.

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