Determined Society with Shawn French | Adversity & Mindset - Life Without Secrets with Jillian Riddell

Episode Date: May 29, 2023

Jillian Riddell is a former teen mom who defied the odds to become a Valedictorian and a certified leading expert in trauma and emergency nursing. She is highly regarded by those who need hope when obstacles seem too great to overcome. Jillian's insights have been honored by the Daisy Foundation, and her work has been featured on ABCnews. As a trauma nurse and the host of the Life Without Secrets podcast, Jillian understands our basic human needs to love and belong. She is passionate about helping people feel more connected by diving deep, getting real, and growing together. Jillian's personal journey has inspired her mission to help others. Having lived her entire childhood as a secret, she knows what it's like to feel alone and disconnected. But she also knows that it's possible to overcome even the toughest challenges with resilience, grit, and a supportive community. Through her work as a nurse, a podcast host, and a speaker, Jillian is committed to spreading hope and inspiring others to create the lives they truly want.   Show Topics: Being a Teen Mom She was a secret Teen Mom turned Valedictorian Life Without Secrets What happens in Vegas DOES NOT stay in Vegas Questioning Self-Worth Grief Cases Societal Pressures The Kiss X's 2 Building resentment It's ok to start the relationship over Trauma therapy Praising the progress Sharing the struggle Developing shame Putting loved ones first Taking pauses in life Connection with your partner Connect with Jillian: Instagram- https://instagram.com/lifewithoutsecretspodcast?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/jill.george.75?mibextid=LQQJ4d LinkedIn- https://www.linkedin.com/in/jill-riddell-1745a959 TikTok- https://www.tiktok.com/@jillian_riddell?_t=8bUjLUBn38A&_r=1 Website- lifewithoutsecrets.com Connect with Shawn: Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/theshawnfrench/ Twitter- https://twitter.com/theshawnmfrench?lang=en Website- https://theshawnfrench.com/ Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

When it comes to what your family eats and drinks, you know your choices matter. You're the expert because you know what fits your life. And getting it right starts with good information. That's why America's beverage companies are sharing more information about our ingredients at good to know facts.org. No spin, no judgments, just the facts straight from the experts for more than 140 beverage ingredients. Visit good to know facts.org. So, you know, you hear Life Without Secrets, you know, there's going to be some people that are like, oh, give me the gossip, you know. That's not what it's about at all. It's not about, you know, going and telling your dirty little secrets to, you know, the internet or the world or whatever. Life Without Secrets is being truly authentic and figuring out who we are. And the reason why I called it that is, you know, figuring out who we are is a process. What is up, everybody?

Happy Saturday. You'll be listening to this on Monday, hopefully. This is our Memorial Day edition. And no, I don't have a veteran, but I have someone special to me, someone who's a very close friend and has supported me through my hiatus, through the ups and downs. And she's just been there for me. And I truly love this person. She is a former teen mom that defied all the odds and became a valedictorian.

and she's a certified renowned emergency and trauma nurse. There's so many things this woman is, but the things that come to mind that really signify her is she's a lovely wife, a great mom, and a great friend. Julian Rodell, welcome to the show. Oh, Sean,

that was so sweet. Thank you so much for having me on here today on such a awesome weekend. And yes, thank you to all those veterans out there as well. Yes. Yes, those that sacrifice, the ultimate sacrifice, which is their life. You know, never forget it. It's funny, I was scrolling through Instagram this morning and I saw this fitness influencer, you know, walking on the treadmill, talking about it's just another day.

Plan your meals, you know, don't eat too much, follow your macros. And it's funny because like I know what she was saying, but like, is there a better phrase than it's just another day? day like you know while she's saying that fall your macros so you can look better naked but yet someone's kneeling at a grave crying because they lost their parent like i just to me it's uh it's a it's a little tone deaf but hey you know yeah i don't know just you know we started off the show talking about that and it's just kind of you know it kind of got me to go and rewind a little bit into what i saw today and i just for those you listen and watching like this is more than just today. You know, this is a day to respect the fallen, to understand what true freedom means and what

it costs. So, amen. Off my soapbox. Off my soapbox right there. I love that. No, it's so important. I think it's so important to take a moment to recognize that. And so I'm really glad you brought that up. Absolutely. And thank you for coming on on a short notice. I, guys, I texted her. I don't know what it was. Probably like Tuesday or Wednesday last week. I'm in Pennsylvania. And I'm like, Jill. yo, I need to record a show. I don't have anything for next week. Like, can we just do this? And so thank you. We've, we've both been trying to get on the schedule for this show for quite some time. You know, and full disclosure to the audience. This, this woman would have been on my show months and months ago. But I think I had to cancel for some reason. And then we just haven't been able to get, you know. It's been busy. It has been a busy world. And, you know, I think we've had so many conversations over the phone through the last, what, like six months. And you were on my show. And, you know, just building each other up and being there for each other, you know, life is not always easy.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies. And, you know, the highlight reel that we see on Instagram, you know, life sometimes has struggles. And I think we all need people in our lives, you know, more so than a podcast. that we can call and just be like, hey, I got this. What do you think? And just be there and be honest. And I think the world needs more of that. So I'm happy to have you, you know, on my team and be on your team in this whole journey. Absolutely. Like I can't think of very many people that are in my corner as deep as you are. So I appreciate it. And it's received. And just know that I'm in your corner just as deep. I'm swinging with you. And, you know, it's, it's one of the

those things where I was just thinking about when you were talking, you know, you're talking about behind the scenes, kind of, you know, behind the camera lens of Instagram. And it was just so much more, you know, we're living life without secrets here, right? It's your brand. That is your podcast, right? It's an amazing top three global podcasts. By the way, guys, just kind of throwing some love her way. She's worked her butt off. And after 60 episodes, she's already top 3%. So her show and and julian are definitely going places but let's talk about that because you've been very outspoken about what you and your husband mike have gone through uh in the past and it's something that i don't feel enough people are willing to get out there and talk about so for those

that for those that listening um that don't know your story and what i'm referring to right now you know why you give them a little synopsis yeah yeah i'd love to um so you know you hear life without secrets, you know, there's going to be some people that are like, oh, give me the gossip, you know, that's not what it's about at all. It's not about, you know, going and telling your dirty little secrets to, you know, the internet or the world or whatever. Life Without Secrets is being truly authentic and figuring out who we are. And the reason why I called it that is, you know, figuring out who we are is a process. And I think that we change over time and I think we're supposed to change over time. And we're not supposed to remain the same. We're supposed to grow.

We're supposed to get better. But in order to grow and get better, we have to dive deeper into the stuff that we've been through. And we can't just put that under the rug. And so my husband and I, you know, we met and we just fell in love right away. It was like fairy tale. You know, we actually met in in Vegas. And if my husband was here, his one-liner would be, yeah, whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas except for my wife, you know, and I'm, and my line is always, and it's not like that. But, you know, we met there and he was a police officer at the time, and I was an EMT going to nursing school. Just like you said, I was a teen mom. Partly the reason why it's called Life Without Secrets as well, and my brand is that I actually was a secret.

So I was a product of an affair. My dad had met my mom at a bar and my mom didn't know he was married. And she got pregnant with me. And then my dad's like, oops, sorry, I'm married. And I knew about my dad when I was born and I knew that he had this other family. But I didn't know they didn't know about me. And so my dad hid me from his family. And, hey, Jillian, can I, can I interrupt you one second? We had some technical difficulties. So we had a little bit of a cut. So the last thing we heard in, and again, for those of you're watching and listening, life without secrets and the determined society is about being authentic. So we're not going to, you know, act like it didn't happen. We're going to roll through it here. But Julian, the last thing we heard was, you know, your dad said, oops, like, sorry, I'm married. And then pick us up from there, please.

Yeah. So my dad's like, oops, sorry. I'm married. And so my mom has me and he, I see him like once a year. So he's a truck driver. He delivered special automotive vehicles, did commercial shoots for Toyota and halt the cars and stuff like that. And he didn't tell his family about me that I existed. And so I got to see him like once a year when he would drive through like the San Francisco Bay Area where I was raised. And by the time I was 11, I didn't know I was a secret. And so I knew I had all these brothers and sisters and they lived in Arizona and blah-de-blah.

And I started becoming very angry at like 11 years old. And so my mom took me to counseling and they were like, she doesn't know she's a secret. And so my mom had to tell me that these people didn't know anything about me. And those were, you know, 11 is a tender age where all these emotions and things start coming up anyways. And so I started really questioning my worth and feeling like, do I really matter? You know, like, am I even important?

And so naturally, when I got into teenage years, I started looking for love in all the wrong places. I ended up getting pregnant at 17 in high school. I was a senior in high school. And I had a teacher that was like, oh, you had so much potential. And I was like, oh, why? wow, like that really stung, you know, but I was like, you know what? I have a choice. I can be that statistic that teacher thought I would be or I can prove to myself and everybody

else that I can do this, that I can be successful and that we can overcome obstacles. And I'm going to teach my son that too. And so I put all of these emotions into my achievements. And so I meet my husband when I'm 21. I have a three-year-old at the time. And I have this emotional baggage that I've carried from my childhood. And now my husband has his own emotional baggage, right? I call these our grief cases.

And we show up and he, his mom had left when he was five. And he was raised in kind of a blended family. He left when he was like 17 from his family, became a police officer. So he's doing the same thing. So we really like bond over our traumas in our childhood, right? And so we feel like, oh my gosh, this person. understands me, like, this is going to be great. And so, you know, three years into our relationship, the pressure starts coming. I feel like, you know, after two years in any relationship,

there's like this, this untalked about pressure, right? For sure. I mean, even in business, like we can relate this to business as well, right? Like when you're on this path and let's say, like, everybody expects you to be at a certain level in business by a certain point. It's the same thing in relationships, right? Society will pressure you, you know, at this two-year mark or wherever this mark is to be at a certain place in your relationship or in your business. And all this pressure starts coming on. And that created a little resistance for Mike because he, just like I had had a baby at a young age, he actually was married at a young age and got a divorce from his high school sweetheart. So he carried a lot of fear there as well. So,

he ends up um like going to some bar kissing some girl ends up being like a friend of a friend we i'm like i'm devastated um and we break up and six months later we we i didn't talk to him at all i have a very like avoidant attachment to style um just from you know growing up and like not ever being able to hash out those feelings um from my childhood so i just avoid any anytime there's a conflict. That was my go-to is just to avoid that whole situation. And so I didn't speak to him for like six months. And we get back together six months later just to give you a short version. We get engaged. We go to stage coach. Have you ever been a stage coach? Do you know stage coach? No, I don't. What is it? Oh, my gosh. Okay. You like country music. Am I right or am I wrong?

Oh, big time. Okay, I thought so. So it's like one of the biggest music festivals for country music. And we used to go every year. It's a blast. Super fun. But we go and my husband used to drink. And he wasn't like a regular drinker every day.

He was more like I worked 28 out of 30 days this month and I'm going to go binge drink and escape my reality kind of drinker, you know? Yeah. And so we go to stagecoach. He drinks and we're engaged at this point. He drinks a ton and ends up coming back to our group of friends and he's got lipstick on his face. And I look at him and I'm like, okay, you, I'm pretty sure I had like a red color lipstick on today. Like, how did you get that?

And I took a picture of myself and I took a picture of him. And I'm like, yep, definitely not mine. And so I call off the wedding. And I at this point just am more devastated because I, I also have a son. And for anybody out there that, you know, has a son in dating, they're going to understand me on this. It's, it's a, talking about pressure.

There's a lot of pressure. And it's a way bigger deal when you're like dating with a child, right? Because, you know, you're not just inviting them into your life. You're inviting them into your child's life, which is a huge deal. So call it off. Get back together again. We get married, right? We still haven't unpacked these grief cases, by the way.

So now our 40-pound bags, like if you were to show up at the airport, are like 70 pounds. And we're just trucking along. And I'm just like really wanting this family that I never had because I never had a data in my life ever. My mom never dated. And so all I craved was this family. We get married and, you know, the struggles continued. And Mike went from being a police officer to going into mortgage banking. And, you know, I'm just going to say this.

being a wife of an entrepreneur is really difficult. And in the beginning, we struggled so much. And I built this resentment, right? And he'd be like, oh, you know, I'm just trying to help people. And I'm like, what do you mean? Like, if you want to help people, you need to come home and love your family. Like, and he was working these 16 hours days and this resentment really grew. And at this point, our bags are like,

just bursting at the seams. They're just, you know, we're carrying around these grief cases. We're trying so hard to make this work. And it's just, it's not going well. I end up moving back to Northern California when I'm from because we, we live in Southern California to be closer to my family and to have more support there. And I literally told him, I don't care if you come or if you stay, but this is what I'm doing. Like I was at my breaking point.

Yeah. So we come up here. He changes. like who he works with. And he kind of starts his own thing. And that was a little bit better. We started getting a little better. And then I went back to work full time.

And at that point, I started getting like male attention. And, you know, somebody's paying attention to me, right? And like from my childhood, that's all I ever craved, right? It was like someone to see me because I felt like I didn't matter. I didn't, I didn't, I wasn't important. I wasn't worthy of that love and attention from even my own family. You know, so I'm always like looking for this love and attention. And, you know, I, so I end up talking with this guy at work and it becomes this like emotional roller coaster.

And, you know, it goes on for a little while and finally Mike finds out. And those bags, those grief cases, they fell all over the floor. And usually, you know, that's when people part their ways, right? And they make one person goes one way, one person goes the other way. But guess what? They're still carrying those really big bags and they're really messy, right? And so in order to heal, in order to live a life where you can be yourself, that you can be authentic, that you can be true to who you are, that you can grow, you have to start unpacking those bags from your childhood. You have to start unpacking them.

And so, and we made the choice, the really hard choice, I will say, to unpack those bags together. And we spent a mortgage payment on trauma therapy from his, we had our own trauma therapist. He had his, I had mine. And we had a Christian family therapist. And then we had a trauma therapist for our marriage. Okay. Like this was not easy. We had both made mistakes in our relationship we weren't proud of.

We started off on this very cracked foundation. And, you know, it's okay to start over in your own relationship. And that's what I want a lot of people to know as well is like you can start a new relationship in the one you're in. And that's really what we did. I was like, I don't want, I don't want this that we have. Like I want a new one. Like I don't want to, I don't want to go back and be that.

Like I want something that we're going to build a foundation on. It's more solid. And so we start going to therapy. and we were scared at first, you know, and we took everything off the table. We took sex off the table. We took everything off the table. And we literally started dating. And some of the things that we forget when we're in a relationship is we forget to continue to do new things with that person.

We end up in like a rhythm, right? And it gets kind of complacent. And basically we start like escaping in our jobs or, you know, in our kids. And, you know, we put our energy there and we forget to foster this relationship with our spouse. And so we started dating again. And we hired a babysitter and we go out like every Monday or Friday. And we started doing new things that we've never done together or that we hadn't done in like 10 years. And that really helped start, you know, building on our relationship.

And then as we got better at this, instead of focusing on like, oh, our relationship had to be perfect, we instead focused on, like, how can we praise our progress? You know, because no relationship is ever going to be perfect. You're always going to have struggles. Always. They're never going to go away. It's not like we're going to get over this hump and then everything's going to be blissful. No, that doesn't exist. There's no such thing as perfect. And, you know, the reason why we come out here and we talk about, like, you know, yeah, this is what we've been through and this is like in our own lives and in our marriage is because not enough people talk about the real stuff that they go through. You know, like we all go on there and we're all

guilty of it. Like we go on there and we talk about like our perfect kids and our perfect relationship and our awesome vacations. But really like behind the screen of Instagram or social media, like people are struggling. And you know, and I think more so today than ever. You know, because COVID, for instance, right? Like, we had, this is a new thing for everybody in the world. Like, nobody's been through this kind of thing before. And I think before COVID, we were already starting to isolate ourselves, like, in our marriages, in our, in our worlds. You know, nowadays, most families are spread out.

Like, when you think about, like, your extended family, like your brothers or your sisters, like, it's no longer you live in the same town, you know? Like, you're more spread out. And yes, you can create a community. And I suggest everybody can create that community in their neighborhood in the town they live in if you don't have family. Because I think it's such an important piece for us to start getting vulnerable and start sharing our real struggles so that we can know we're not alone in what we're going through. And that will help you really grow as a person and start making those changes and know that like, hey, if they can make it in the their relationship after going through what they went through. So can we. Yeah. No, I, wow, first of all, thank you. That was a long version there. Ladies and gentlemen, I thought that I could talk.

My friend here just laid it all out there for you. And quite honestly, in that 15 minutes, like I think people can learn. I know people can learn so much just about your resolve, not just yours, but also Michaels. I want to touch on something really quickly. And then we'll, then we'll leap forward again to where we're at. right now in present time is, you know, early on, you know, the things that are happening in your life being a secret, you know, having, you know, being a secret to your, your siblings, your, your father's whole life, right? And then going into the early struggles with Michael really plays on your self-worth. Like, am I good enough? And then it gets to a point where

you're pushed and you're pushed and you're pushed and you're pushed and you get to NorCal and you're sitting there at work and then this dude starts paying you attention and you already feel like, well, I'm not good enough for my dad. I'm not good enough for my husband, right? And now, you know, I've got this gentleman showing me, you know, this attention. Maybe I'm good enough for him. Let's see where this goes. You know, how how did it feel for you being on the other side of that equation having to atone for that was there that fight like well to hell with you man like i've been dealing with this for how long like now you know how it feels or did you feel a sense of like shit what did i do um both it was i had a lot of resentment but when you start doing that you know

you develop a lot of shame and when we are carrying shame and guilt and those feelings of i don't matter I'm not worthy, we're not able to show up for the world or for ourselves and be who we truly are. Because the Jill, I know, the Jillian I know, would have never been in that situation. You know, I know that was not who I am at heart. It was the baggage and that I was carrying with me that I put myself in that position. instead of handling the deeper issues. You know, absolutely. And the thing that I enjoyed most about you and Michael is that you guys have been very,

very upfront about the journey of your marriage. And you have put, you put it out there very early. And now you guys are able to live without the secrets. You're able to be out there and truly influence individuals to be their authentic selves because you're not holding anything back anymore, right? I mean, whereas, I mean, I have a ton of secrets. Everybody knows about my father leave me when I was two and having a stepfather that raised me who I love.

But it was, you know, as I get older, I realize I have, you know, issues with men because there was a high level of narcissism. Right. And so for me, I feel like I have to always please men. Like I have to make a man proud of me when it all. And it's a prison. Like quite honestly, I need to go into some type of trauma therapy for it. And I will, right? Because it is holding me back.

Yep. Right. It's holding me back in my life and in my career and in my relationship. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So I just want to commend you and commend your husband for going through and doing that work because it's scary.

Mm-hmm. Yep. I mean, I would imagine it was a pretty contentious room a lot of times. Oh. Oh my goodness. Yeah. I mean, and I say this now, and I will just, I will just say this. It's, it took us a good six months to really hash stuff out going every week to trauma therapy and all that.

And it's taken us like probably over a year to get to a point where like, you know, we're okay. And we can talk about like, he'll be like, hey, you know what, I don't know why this is coming up, but I'm feeling triggered right now. Same thing with me. I don't know why this is coming up. And we'll just talk through it. Or sometimes, you know, when there's, you know, heated conversations about something or we get into an argument. He understands me now too. Like, hey, I'm feeling triggered. And for me, I need that time. So I'm like, I need to take 20 minutes and then we can come back and have this conversation. You know, and it just, it's being able to understand the other person and what their needs are and figuring out something that works for both of you. So you're saying when he comes to you and says, hey, this is coming up. I'm feeling triggered. I don't know why. You like to take 20 minutes to get your thoughts and then circle back. Or is it when you are feeling triggered?

You need the 20 minutes. Either way. Yeah. It's, you know, it's, I want to hear you, but I want to be ready to hear you. And I want to be able to respond and not react. And so that's hard. And it is hard, especially, you know, with in the, you develop this comfort level in your marriage, right? We're like, that's the person you, you take out the most on, you know, whether that's when you're coming home from work or whether you're, you know, having a stressful day with your kids.

You know, we take so much out on that person that's the closest to us. I think it's a fact, I think everybody that is married, everybody's been in a long-term relationship can relate to that. You know, it's never the intention, right? It's just you are, no matter how bad things are going. And my wife, go through it. We have gone through it. No matter how bad you're feeling about your, your relationship, whether you're in sync or completely one person's in left field, the other person's in another fucking stadium, right?

You're the most comfortable. You could be the biggest asshole, like, to that person because you're comfortable being that way. Yeah. Because they're there. And you know what? Yeah. And they may not be. Yeah.

If you keep doing it, right? And I will say, too. And I think this is something very important to remember that it takes two, right? So like, let's say, you know, the only way that would have worked in either of those situations, whether it was my mistake or his mistake that we've gone through, if either of us was not willing to do the work, it wouldn't have, we wouldn't have had the result we've had. Right. You know, you really have to have two people that are working on it. But this is what I will say, if you are the one person that is willing to work on it, know that at the end of the day, you will have done the work on yourself. And that is really what matters. Like you need to do that for you, not for the other person, because that's not how it works. You have to show up for you and be willing to learn more about yourself and really dive deeper into all of those things in your life so that you can move forward. Because now I feel like we're just on this growth path in individually and because we've done the work together together as well you know but in order to really grow and then expand on that and not repeat this cycle

or pattern that you're in you have to be willing to dive deeper on this stuff and every you know especially in this culture it's hard to take that time out right it's so hard it's the most important thing I can tell people to do. I think the biggest problem is, you know, I want to say problem, but the hardest thing is is to take the time, right, to digest the information and then come back in a constructive manner. The other, the other thing is I think people are just genuinely wired to want to win an argument. They want to win at, you know, they want to win at the Nintendo game. They want probably dating ourselves here. Like Nintendo, who plays Nintendo? I do. Okay, I play Tech

my bowl last week, right? But the thing is, it's like everybody wants to win. And what I want individuals, and I want you to speak on this because the struggle that you guys have gone through, I think you can really speak to this one. If you win a fight, somebody else loses. And if somebody else loses, somebody's walking away feeling like shit, how does that help your relationship? It doesn't. I think that you have to have a team mindset. So this is an example, actually. So this is just like a month ago, maybe. We were, we got into an argument about how, you know, we were both very busy in our lives, right? Like we have children.

We both are go getters in life. You know, he runs all these teams. And I am an ER nurse, but I also run my podcast and trying to do speaking and do these events and things. And so we are like super busy. And if we don't put like date night on our. calendar it doesn't happen yeah and so we hadn't put it on the calendar and we were getting kind of like you know oh like I want to spend time with you like you're not making time for me you know you didn't do this you know and we kind of got into this fashion then all of a sudden I stopped and I'm like

hold on let's just take a second because we are literally arguing because we want to spend time with each other like that's a blessing like we want to spend that time together and we just took a minute to be grateful for that because there were times where like I wanted to run so far away from here because of the resentment I carried. And so now we're at a place where we're like, we're upset because we didn't make that time for each other. I'm like, let's just sit here and know that this is a win. And we got to have a totally different conversation that was so much more productive because we took that second to go, you know what, let's be grateful and praise the progress here. Wow. You know, like we can be grateful to

be arguing about wanting to spend time together. Well, that's when you look at that, you know, wait a second. We want the same thing here. We're on the same side. We're arguing the same thing. Yes. But we're wanting to place blame on the other person for it not making, you know, not making it happen.

That's your old shit coming up, right? Yep. That is just, that is just being human. The thing that I really love about this and where I want the audience to really listen is we're able to stop, praise the progress and just understand that there's true beauty in this moment where you guys are arguing about the fact that you want to spend more time with each other.

No one's running from me. He's not running away wanting to go to the bar. You're not running away wanting to go on a girl's trip. You want that uninterrupted time with your spouse. And he does too. There's a lot of power in that. Yeah. And the other thing that I want to suggest as well is, you know, we're talking a lot of culture now is about talking about our feelings, right?

Which I am all about like diving deeper into your feelings. But I think number one, it's important to spend some time alone on your own and really think about those feelings that are coming up. And are they truthful? You know, like, how do I feel? What makes me feel this way? Have I ever felt this way before in my past? Is it related to what I'm feeling now? And I think like asking those questions to ourselves is super important when we're thinking about the way that we're feeling and spending that time alone to really dive deeper into those feelings.

And then when we approach our feeling to our spouse, we need to follow it with a need. Because, you know, when we are presented feelings, a lot of times the person that is responding to that isn't sure what you're looking for. And, you know, like, am I supposed to be supportive? And especially a man, right? Like, a lot of times men want to fix things. And so they start talking about something else. And then the woman's like, I don't even feel heard.

you know and so sometimes i'll say hey you know i am feeling um frustrated and what i really need is for you to just sit on the couch and hear me out yeah that's all that's all i want you to do and then he's like okay i can do that you know and he will like intently and genuinely listen to me and that's all i really needed so if we can dive deeper into So why we're feeling that way. And then in that moment, figure out what do I really need? Like, what would make this better? And be able to present that to our spouse or whoever that is in any relationship in that manner with a feeling met with a need.

There will be a lot less unmet expectations. I completely agree with that. And I think in the heat of the moment, understanding why you're getting triggered or why you're pissed. Because for me, and I spoke about this recently, on a podcast with my buddy Brian. And it was about putting the dishwasher, the dishes. My wife said something about the dishwasher. I'm like, dude, seriously.

And it started playing on this old program. Like, what the fuck? Like, I did it. Like, is this not good enough? Like, what do you mean? I'm not good enough. I'm like, wow. Like, this is not even about what she's saying.

If I really dissect what she's saying, it was now, I love my wife. Okay. but, you know, and I'll say this, you know, English has a second language here. Okay. She could yell at me in Spanish. I'm like, talk dirty, baby. Let's go. Oh, my gosh.

Great. The moment she says something to me in English, I'm like, can you throw in a fucking filler fluff word, please? Because I feel like I'm being parented right now. And that's really not about her. That's my bullshit, right? And so like, we get into these arguments and I talk about that. I'm like, we're really, you know, in that moment, I'm like, is this really about the dishwasher? is what she's saying true.

And I did it after I gave her a shitty look. And I did it after I probably went, you know, or whatever. Really, I had the plate in there crooked. If something shifted, it would have busted. So she was, she was truthful. Yeah. I'm thinking, you know, it's loaded. Like, what more do you want for me?

But the reality is it was never about her. And I would venture to say that most of our arguments with our friends and our spouses, or just even a boyfriend or girlfriend. Yep. Is about something much deeper than what is going on in the present moment. So you have to ask yourself, is this real? Is it real? It's hard.

Yeah. Yep. It's hard. It takes a lot of effort, right? Yeah. And to your point, the only way that's done is if you do spend time by yourself and understand where this shit is coming from. Grief case, trash from your past.

my boy Brian Bogart says, like it, all of it is the same idea, but we have to, I call it my bullshit. I call it my bullshit. It's my shit. Like, it's just the way it is, right? Yeah. And you have to understand where it's coming from. Because if we don't, we can't heal from the past.

Yeah. Right. And I'm the classic. I am too busy to slow down. If I slow down and take time for myself, then I'm not going to be able to do X, Y, and Z, which is usually go work out, you know. just kind of veg out by myself or, you know, play with my kids or whatnot. But the reality is if I don't do all these things, I'm not going to be present while

I'm there doing them. So it might as well, me not even being there at all if I'm not present. Yeah. Right. Imagine what this interview would be like if I wasn't present or you weren't present. Wouldn't be existing. No. It would suck.

It would be the worst show ever. It'd be like one of my very first shows I ever did when I was talking to myself on my iPhone. Literally, did you know that story? I did not know that story. We're getting on a tangis. And this is where the audience starts laughing. I love this. Like, oh shit, Sean didn't take his meds this morning.

It's like, I was literally my first podcast was in this room. And I grabbed my phone. I'm talking into the anchor app. That was my show. That's great. And then the next one, you know, I could never get it quiet around here because it was during COVID. So I'd get and I had a VW.

Atlas at the time as an SUV. That was my first podcast studio. That's awesome. And no one knew it at the time. They're like, It sounds freaking amazing. The acoustics are incredible. Like,

I'm in a fucking car, man. It's like, this sucks. So there's a perspective, right? So there's a lot of stuff behind the scenes that people don't see. And I always like to bring that up at times because we get the excuse like, well,

I don't have a microphone. And I don't have what you have. You have this nice studio. Like, dude, I have a room with a fucking sign. I know. I love pointing out. People will compliment me on my like background all the time.

Like, is that real? And I'm like, actually, it was $20 backdrop on Amazon. on and I'm very proud of that. Yeah. I mean, I love it.

When you came out with it, I'm like, damn, that's great. Because when we did our show, like you didn't have on your show, you didn't have the background. So there's no video. No, we didn't. We were starting out. And yeah, thank you for that. I know.

I'm glad to be one of the OGs. Right. You are. One of the original guests. You are. Everybody thought of the gangsters. Right. No, but I think, you know, your story is very, it's very relatable.

Yeah. Because what I mean, your brand to me, you know, I know life without Seagos, whatever, but your brand to me is simply this. Give me a bad scenario. Give me some actual shit and something that's going to debilitate me. And I'm going to find a way to overcome and win. That's what you've done in your marriage. That's what you've done as a valedictorian, former team mom. That's what you've done as a trauma nurse.

And like, all these things are related. So like, you know, I think that some. something innate in you. So how I want you to explain to the audience or maybe give audience some clues or some strategies to extract what their greatness is. Yeah. I mean, so it's it's funny because you know, I think is also part of my personality. Um, and that was obviously, uh, it's a, it's kind of an achievement mindset, you know, like I needed to achieve to prove to myself. and to others. But I will say that there's always going to be people that doubt you in life.

Always. People are going to want to tell you the way it's supposed to look or the way you should do something. And for me, it was taking that step every day. You know, like when I started college at nine months pregnant, I was 18 years old. I started college at nine months pregnant. And people were like, you're not going to take some time off? And I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm going to keep going.

And too many people quit or listen to other people, you know? And if you have a goal, every day you stick to something. And it started off with like, I'm going to start college at nine months pregnant to I had my son on a Monday and I was back to college the next Monday. And I took as many classes as I could online so that I didn't have to be away. But then it was, okay, I can ace this test. Okay. and then I can ace another one and then I can ace a class right and then it was like well then I can

ace a semester and ace this year and I worked my butt off and there was times where I did not sleep at night that I cried buckets of tears because it was so hard and I'll tell you what I knew I was not going to be a statistic. I knew that I was going to show my son that we can do hard things. And when you know, like, you know, people talk about like your why and all that stuff, you know, and it's like, it sounds really like, oh, your why, you know, but when you really dive deep into that, it was like, I knew what it was like to not have much because my mom was a single mom. She cleaned for a living. And she. she always told us like never rely on anybody like you always have to support yourself and

you know I think I was empowered by that too you know because I I saw my mom struggle and I didn't I wanted to create an environment where I could work really hard I could make you know decent money and I could be there with my kid and not having a parent to be there with me you know I wanted to make sure, and even in this journey that I'm on right now, you know, like, run your own race. You know, like that is like one of the key things I would love people to know that you don't have to do what people tell you to do. You don't have to, it doesn't have to look a certain way.

You don't have, you know, it took me five and a half years to get my bachelor's in science and nursing where some people, maybe it took four. But it, maybe it took me a little longer to get there. but I worked my butt off and things were thrown at me constantly. Obstacles. I mean, Plato in my hair on the walls, like you name it.

Like, it was not pretty. But I put in the work every single day to get there. And what it taught me was, is like when I go on any new adventure, I like it to be a little challenging. But I also know that there's going to be people there are coming at me telling me, oh, you're not, you're not going to be able to do that.

or, oh, you just don't want it bad enough. Like, no, you don't know me as a person. Like in the trauma room, for instance, like, I am not going to step into that trauma room feeling unprepared, right? Like preparation is key. And, you know, it's like, you know, people are like, oh, just do it. Oh, you just don't have enough why or you don't want it bad enough. And I'm like, no, that's not it.

Yeah. It's because I'm going to take the time to develop myself in the process because falling in love with the journey is just as important, if not probably more important than your destination of where you're trying to go. And I will tell you that I learned so much in those years going to school and having a child and having to figure it out on my own and babysitting like anything, putting food on the table. You know, like it took work and it took consistency and it took planning. And, you know, a lot of people use this word discipline, which I don't know why, but I feel like, ooh, that's a little harsh for me. Like I'm disciplined, you know. For me, it's training.

Like I'm training myself to become more resilient to overcome these obstacles. It's all about training. It's you're training yourself. It doesn't, it doesn't just like happen. Like I trained myself to be able to do this by acing that one test, by acing that one semester, by acing that one year of class work, you know, I trained myself that I could do it by showing up for myself, even if it was buckets of tears, sleepless nights, whatever it was. It was in the training process. And I learned and I learned to believe in myself through that process when people

didn't believe in me. You know, it's, it's funny because you're, you're, you're saying these things like your why, discipline, everything like that. And I'm, I'm fully resonating with all this. And the other thing I realize is too, a lot of people are talking about on social media because it's become a buzzword. You know, like whatever it is. Like all that, like, yeah, cool, but it's still, it's horseshit. Okay. What people need to really listen and understand is, for one, there's too many people regurgitating somebody else's content. I can't stand it. I love when I hear the original, right? The original version of the content.

And then someone comes on and says that like the literally word for word, it doesn't even, you know, subtweet or quote the actual author of what that is they're talking about. But the lesson's very clear. Just move. Like literally do what you said you're going to do. Yep. If it,

if it is hard, you're going to have great results. If you just keep moving and not hold yourself back and continue, sorry, my dogs are barking here, is to just move regardless of how you're feeling, right? It is very important that if you say you're going to ace this course, you're going to ace whatever this is, then you have to keep moving even on the days that you wake up, your eyes are puffy and you just don't want to move. walk somebody through that because you had to do that as a team mom. You had to do that as a as a mom starting college at nine months pregnant. You had to do that when your marriage is falling apart. You've had to do that building this podcast.

You've had to do this becoming a trauma in an emergency room nurse. There's some real grit here. And the listeners and the viewers need to understand it. Yeah. Well, you know, it's really simple, actually, in my opinion. and you get a calendar and in times when life is so busy I would literally write like six o'clock take a shower six 15 do your makeup six 30 like get see on up for school like I literally lived my life by minutes and that was the only way that I made sure that I got time

with my family, my son, who was the most important to me, studied for my tests. And sometimes those hours went into the night, you know? It's just the way it worked. I don't think there's something. I don't think it's like, oh, this is the key. I think it's, it's simple. It's, you have to put it on your calendar. You have, you have, for me, like, I have to write it down. And, you know, a lot of people have everything on their phone. I, I don't like, I don't like the phone for my calendar and I'll tell you why. It's same, man. Yeah.

I'll tell you why I don't like it though. And this is why I feel bad for teenagers too. You have, we always have things coming at us, right? And so if I were to, if I had to go to my phone to look at my calendar every time that I was, every 15 minutes when I knew I had something else to do, you know, I have 20 things coming at me at one time. So I always use a paper calendar because nothing's coming at me from that piece of paper. And I say I feel bad for teenagers because you think about the world that teenagers grew up in.

And that baby that I had at 18 now is going to be 17 this year just so everybody's aware. So I feel bad for them because I've watched him struggle. And it's the world we live in today is so fast. Right. And so these kids have like, now we're going on a tangent again. It's okay. That's what this is. Right.

Hey, free for all on this fucking show, man. Life Without Secrets. So, yeah. So my son, you know, it's like they have things coming at them so much more than any of us ever had growing up, right? Like they have a cell phone. They open their cell phone. It comes at them. Guess what?

They go to school. They work on a computer. Guess what? That computer gives them all, feeds them all this stuff. They go home. They have to do their homework on the computer. And not only do they, instead of having to turn it in the next day in class because it's a piece of paper, don't worry. you can send it by 1159 tonight, right?

And so they're on their computer and try all this stuff is coming at them. And so for me, I'm like, keep it simple. Like get your paper calendar, write down your schedule by minute if you have to. If you, if that's what it takes to stick to it and go through it. And to make it something where it's not something that can be coming at you. because if we let it, the world will dictate your life. Dude, like I'm smiling and I'm not laughing at you. Yeah.

Like, you know how long it took me to start taking a paper calendar? And it's because my wife told me, like, you would sell more in your career. I was always a top performer. But I would just like, no, I don't need that. I just got right here, right? If it was a meeting for me to be somewhere to sell something, I knew exactly where I needed to be at what time. I was going to be there. I was going to do my thing. I was going to roll out with the deal.

Right. But there's one specific January that I'm speaking about specifically is when we just had me up. I went back to work after a week. And it was the biggest month of the year because I was in payroll and HR. And I had to sell a ton of business. I was just fucking up. I was crying in my car, you know, panic attacks. And she was, you need to come home right now and you need to start writing your schedule down. I'm like, what the fuck is that going to do? Like schedule. Like I'm fine. I don't need that. She goes, no, you're going to do much better. You're going to take stress off yourself. And what you'll see is you'll become more strategic.

I'm like, okay, whatever. And it started working. And so for years, like I'm writing down on this agenda because my wife suggested it. Then she starts sending me stuff on this damn phone. I'm like, what are these things? Like, what are these invites to events? And I'm like, I thought we agreed to that paper counters. She goes, well, you know, I moved on to the electronic calendar.

It works great. I go, that thing fucks me up because if I'm looking at something and then a text comes through, like, I'm completely forgetting. Do you know, and this is embarrassing, and I'm going to say it. Go ahead. You don't many meetings that I've missed or forgot about because they're on my damn phone and not in a fucking paper calendar? Yeah, I know. I actually have to go through and put from. electronic to paper just to have it all in one place.

But I do, I mean, like, calendar and stuff, like booking podcasts. It's electronic. But I also put it on my paper calendar and that's how I mark off that time. Dude, like, that was like a like a therapy session on organization. It's just like. I mean, and my husband has the same issue because his mind, he is total like ADD, right? And so like, I'm like, you've got to do that. And he and then he'll be like, no, you need the electronic calendar.

because I can't keep you up. And, you know, this is something that I will tell, like, people that are entrepreneurs, you know, and have a spouse. Like, one of the ways that I think is key for your relationship is not just relaying on an electronic calendar because he tried to get me to do that for days. And I'm like, uh-uh. I've watched you give your time and attention to this person, this person, and this person today. You can take 20 minutes and come home and sit down with me and talk about what you want to put on our calendar. You have to keep your lines of communication open with entrepreneurs, especially.

And I will tell you, it was really hard in our relationship when he went from police work to mortgage and entrepreneurship because I watched him, like, especially with sales, like you might be able to relate to this, right? Like your spouse is watching you give your time and attention, full time and attention to that person on the other side of that sale. okay and and she wants to feel like the other person on the other side of your sale she wants to feel like she's got you captured for that 30 minutes without no interruptions because you want to win her over and so you need to remember that for any entrepreneurs out there listening you need to be

able to give that time and attention without stopping and going oh hold on and you just you know I need to send this text really quick. No. Treat me like one of your sales then. This is, we're going to, we're going to go into this one real quick and then we're going to have to land the plane.

We could talk forever. Yeah, we could, yeah, seriously, like, sorry guys, this could be like literally a three-hour podcast if we wanted it to be.

We probably should at one point. Most downloaded episode, 15-hour episode with Gillian Rinell. Right. It's simply this. And we've had this conversation before. Because you, and it was like before or after your show,

I believe we spoke about this. And I didn't know this was a thing. And you were starting to feel very resentful because everybody else was getting the best of your husband. And you were getting the scraps and leftovers. I'm like, holy shit. My wife feels the same way. And it took me a while to really understand it. And ultimately, y'all, that's why I took time off.

My wife and my children were getting my leftovers. Like they were getting the scraps. And they, you know, what they were the most important people. to me, but I was giving them nothing. Like literally, when I say nothing, nothing to what I'm compared, you know, or, or equipped to give them, right? And I just, I just had to walk away for a little bit because until I could show them that they're the most important people to me and that they were that person

on the other side of the camera or they were that, that person on the other side of the sale, I just couldn't do it anymore. you know and i feel like i've gotten much better at it you know and it's not consuming me like it used to and and you know i mean you know how much this how much this means to me yeah like you know how much my show and me ascending and becoming really big mean to me because it means i'll impact more people yeah okay um but i have perspective on it now and it's funny how that works so if you're listening and I'm going to let Jill get to, you know, the whole how she was feeling in her situation. But if you're listening now, I came back and I started doing my show like,

what, five or six weeks ago maybe? I don't know. And my numbers are down. Yeah, they're down. And I'll look at them. I'm like it'll initially fire me up and I'm pissed because I know the shit's good. Like, whatever. Like, fine. The people that have listened to it, They're going to get value. The other people, they're going to come back, right? They're going to come back. They're going to see, I'm more consistent again. Like, okay, well, he's back on track and I want to be there.

But man, I got to tell you, I'm not letting it consume me. And, you know, yes, I text you. I'm like, hey, we need to do this, can we? Because I didn't want, I didn't want to not have a show. The reality is I would have just done a solo cast. But I wanted to interview with you. And it's funny how it works because I have less focus on it now, I have better perspective, and now I'm getting sponsorships.

We talked before that you started the show, I'm making my first sponsorship deal. This show is now going to be monetized. Just being me now, you know, I'm not trying to be somebody I'm not. So, you know, for those of those men and women that are listening right now, that think their business is so important that they can put their family on the back burner, what you got for them. Oh, boy. Well, first of all, I just want to commend you because most people will let the world dictate their life,

their business, the world around them will start dictating their life. And they won't take that moment to pause and go, is this really what success means to me? and so I think defining like what it looks like to you as an individual and you like between you and your spouse is very key because if you are achieving but you're not happy and you're not feeling good about your relationship which is should be most important in your life because it will dictate your business, your kids' life, it needs to be all aligned. And so, yeah, I think that we have to take pauses in life and really ask ourselves the deeper questions. Is this really what I want? Is this getting me to where I want to go?

and just because so-and-so said that I have to make a million dollars to be somebody, is that really what it looks like to me? Or is it so I can just spend more time with my family? And am I doing that? Am I enjoying the journey getting there? And if you're not, take a pause. Yeah. Ask yourself the questions.

Thank you for that because it's very, that's a very important point. You know, for me, I want this to turn into something so big, obviously to impact people. But the bigger reason is I want more time on my family. You know, I don't, you know, I mean, it is what it is. But was I being effective, right? How did I feel? And so for me, if I would have kept going like I was going, I would, I mean, I'd still have my kids, but I don't, I don't know that if my marriage would have made it. I mean, you know, we're not, we're not perfect.

We still, we're still working through stuff. There's a lot of love there and we're committed, right? And I have a lot of growth to do. She has a lot of growth to do. But, you know, guys, if we just sit there and be still for a little bit, ask yourself, because I was notorious for this. I'm doing this for them. And then I realized, shit, am I? Ask yourself, are you really doing it for those that around you?

Now, ultimately, at the root of things, yes, you probably are. okay and just think of the pyramid right a pyramid has a strong foundation it's big and it's large that could be your foundation your why of why you're doing it for your family but then there's a bunch of shit stacked up on top of it yep so you better be able to take a pause and stop building what's going on and maybe just backtrack a little bit and fix the foundation yep yeah you can't you can't move on without a a solid foundation Like if there's a crack in your foundation in your home, you're going to be worried about it. Same thing.

And I think it starts from our home. You know, when we have a stable home, we're able to show up at work better, you know? And studies show like connection is like the root of growth. You know, connection creates, you know, better mental health, like reducing anxiety and depression. You know, connection makes us work harder in our jobs. and, you know, makes us see results faster. And connection brings resilience. Like when we feel connected to our spouse at home and we feel that sense of connection,

we can show up and we can bounce back when we're faced with adversity. Like connection is so key. And so if you need to find that time to connect with your partner and those that you love in your life, that is like key. to being successful to anything else in your life. 100%. I love it. I've absolutely loved this conversation.

Like, you know, I didn't think it would be any less than great, and I wasn't disappointed. So thank you for providing such amazing value for my audience, but then also just an hour of interrupted time with my friend. It's been great speaking with you. And I cannot wait to see what you got going next. Guys, please go on Apple podcast or Spotify and listen to Life Without Secrets. It's an amazing show. Yes, yours truly was on it.

It was probably her least downloaded episode. Yeah, right. But, but, you know, it's an amazing show full of authenticity and how we should be living life. So, Julian, thank you so much again. And I will chat with you. Oh, this is so fun. Thanks for having me on.