Determined Society with Shawn French | Adversity & Mindset - Taking Out Your Trash with Brian Bogert

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Who is Brian Bogert? Why did I jump at the opportunity to interview him? Here it is... There is a sleeping giant in every human. Brian’s purpose in life is to awaken those giants within and turn them into legends by helping them grab what they believe is just out of their grasp. Brian is a heart surgeon without a blade. He does not start outside with what you need to DO, he starts inside with who you ARE. In a world that is disconnected, Brian is revolutionizing how individuals, leaders, and entrepreneurs deeply connect with their authentic selves to achieve the best version of themselves. At just 7 years old, Brian was faced with a traumatic injury that most of us can barely even imagine. He was run over by a truck and his left arm was severed from his body. After years of intensive rehabilitation and over 24 surgeries, Brian has a deep lived understanding of how physical, emotional, and mental pain can keep people buried, regardless of what their initial trauma was. His belief that everyone’s story is as important as his own is what makes him one of the most accessible, relatable, and authentic individuals you will ever meet. As a human behavior and performance coach, speaker, and business strategist, Brian disrupts the normative approach on how to create sustainable growth and lasting change personally and professionally.His philosophies on "how to embrace pain to avoid suffering," "scanning the can," and "taking out your emotional trash" have helped individuals and companies discover and activate their limitless potential. Brian and his team lead with intentionality as they are driven by their vision to impact over a billion lives as quickly as possible. Enjoy this amazing conversation... Connect with Brian: https://tr.ee/EfItF0XXMO Website: https://brianbogert.com/ Connect with Shawn: IG: @theshawnfrench Twitter: @theshawnmfrench     Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Trash from our past causes us to react in moments, often to what's not even in front of us, but our prior experience. It's like when our spouse implies that we loaded the dishwasher incorrectly and the look they give us, makes us feel nothing about to do with the dishwasher and everything to do with how our grandpa did us when we were four. It's these things we tried to put up in a box and pretend weren't there, yet they show up consistently as your fatal thing. What is going on, everybody? Welcome back to the show, The Determined Society.

Guys, with me, I have a guest today that I have a guest today that I have. have grown pretty close to and have followed and gained relationship with someone who I feel is one of the most determined individuals on the face of the earth. And once you hear his story, you will truly understand why. At the age of seven, he was run over by a truck, leaving his left arm severed. And after 24 surgeries, he can truly understand how trauma in the past can hold you down here in the present day. And so we're going to get into it with my boy,

Brian Boger. What's up, buddy? Welcome to the show. John, dude. I'm so happy to be here with you today. Oh, man, the feeling's mutual, do this. Like I said, man, before we were recording it, it's just been a long time coming, you know, and I truly believe that things happen when they're supposed to. So here we are, you know, both looking as sveled and handsome as ever, and we're going to get down and dirty. So it would be. I love it, brother. I love it. That's what it's all about, man.

it truly is. You know, it's, you know, in a life that moves so quickly, right? We have to embrace all the moments and in all the seasons and everything. But eventually they all come around. And again, here we are. And we are going to provide an awesome conversation of determination and grit, right, for the audience to really consume and digest and thrive upon. And hopefully utilize this conversation so they can get over their own. things that are holding them back. And you know, man, it's very interesting because you talk about

trash scanning the can and getting rid of the trash from your past. So talk to the viewers and the listeners a little bit about that. Yeah. So I think it's really important to understand. I mean, I think, you know, there's a lot of narratives out in the world that people believe they're stuck because they have the wrong strategy or tactics in their life, right? Like if I learn this new sales system, if I get this new process, if I invest in this new approach, if I finally make $100,000 a year, If I, when I get to $5 million in my business, like whatever it is, it's like these external measurements and it's also these systems that we try to live in, but that's never what keeps people stuck.

It's never what keeps people stuck. They're critically important for leveraging life, relationships, business, and health, like, critically important. I'm a big fan of systems and processes. I'm a big fan of understanding new knowledge and how to apply it. But the singular thing that keeps every single one of you stuck isn't any of those things. It's the trash from your past. Right?

It's the things that have emotional triggers, behavioral patterns, environmental conditioning that are tied to them. It's those moments that you've tried to bury, those moments that you've never talked about publicly in the world, the moments of pain, maybe trauma, maybe not. Maybe it's just those times that you didn't feel seen and understood or connected or understood or valued in your life. And it caused you to armor and protect yourself. And trash from our past causes us to react in moments, often to what's not even in front of

us, but our prior experience. It's like when our spouse implies that we loaded the dishwasher incorrectly and the look they give us makes us feel nothing about to do with the dishwasher and everything to do with how our grandpa looked at us when we were four. It's these things we've tried to put up in a box and pretend weren't there, yet they show up consistently as your fatal flaw. They show up consistently as those things that get in your way and your biggest problems. I absolutely love this because before I met you, right? And we've had these conversations. I'm always transparent. Like you've helped me more than you know, right? And to those of you that are watching and listening, my boy, Brian here, help me understand that I was relying on external forces to create my own inner power.

Like different anchors, right? Secondary anchors instead of internal. And when he's talking about trash from a past and even something as funny as loading the dishwasher wrong, today, this happened literally before the show, right? I heard my wife go, ugh. And I'm like, what's up? And she goes, well, you loaded the plate like this wrong and that's how things break. And I'm like instantly internally triggered. And it's not really about what she said because what she said is probably right.

And I remember how I loaded it. I'm not very good at Tetris in the actual dishwasher. So I had everything kind of cockeyed and kind of squeezed in. The reality is the truth was it could have broke. But I was hearing my dad tell me I wasn't good enough, right? And my grandpa, to be quite honest with you. So there's a lot of things to unpack here. But the one that I really want you to speak with the audience about is those secondary anchors that they are relying on and how that can deter them from their overall truth in performance.

Well, yeah, I think it's important to understand. some different dynamics that go into this because, you know, I have yet to meet a high performer in business, life, or sports that in some form or fashion didn't learn how to receive love, validation, and connection through performance. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right?

It's, it's, and that can happen for a whole variety of different reasons, right? Um, where we believe that, you know, either love is contingent on us showing up a certain way or getting A's or, right? Or that the only way we're going to connect. connect with our friends is if we actually are the star athlete and can carry the team and have to consistently then push that envelope or we have to say yes to so many situations just to appease the people in our lives, even though we really have no capacity to actually put more on our plate, right? Like it's all these things that we don't really acknowledge or pay attention to that

are often about helping ourselves feel good, feel worthy or feel connected outside of ourselves. When it comes to what your family eats and drinks, know your choices matter. You're the expert because you know what fits your life. And getting it right starts with good information. That's why America's beverage companies are sharing more information about our ingredients at good to know facts.org. No spin, no judgments, just the facts straight from the experts for more than 140 beverage ingredients. Visit goodtto know facts.org. right like we're looking for that connection that love and that validation and again it comes through a whole bunch of different narratives but the reality of it is is whenever we are listening to the external noise it means we're turning down our internal volume

and i just want other people to turn up your internal volume because here's the reality we're all born as our brightest most authentic burning light that will ever be you've got kids i've got kids we know this right like they come out they're raw they're real they're just like everywhere right they're bundles of their creativity they're like they're just they're just they're just there, right? And then what happens? Parents, teachers, employers, coaches start saying, you should do this, you shouldn't do that. You should be this. You shouldn't be that. You should want this. You shouldn't want that. You should make this amount of money, have this kind of house, have this kind of job, have this kind of spouse, drive this kind of car, or you're not going to be accepted and okay. Right? And it starts funneling people further and further down this path until

they fit inside the box of who the world has told them who to be instead of living exactly who they are. Right? And there's all these layers of armor and protection hiding who we really are because we now believe based on the nerves of the world that we're not good enough because we don't fit that box, right? It's not very powerful, dude. I'm sorry to interrupt you, man. I just, you know me. If I let you talk too long, I get stuck on stupid because you're very intelligent.

I'm just marginally smart. So here's the thing. I can relate to all of this because I was a high performing athlete, right? I played Division I baseball at LSU. I am a high performance sales professional in the medical device industry. All the validation comes from accolades and, you know, exploding your quota or hitting 400. And quite honestly, for me growing up, you know, I was picked on a lot.

You know, I was chubbier than most kids. I think I was a late bloomer. You know, I look at all those dudes that made fun of me because I wasn't as good looking as them you know it's kind of reverse now i'm the handsome one right but the bottom line is the and they're all beat up and fat and you know they lost their hair and it's just like dude like come on and i'm like benjamin button i get younger every year i get crazy so uh you know but but the thing that really interests me about all of this is is i i had to work so hard to become so good at baseball in order for people to truly accept

me because early on no one gave a shit about me everybody thought i was a loser until they saw me throw and hit a baseball and so the world like as you said will pigeonhole you to where they want to see you and in a sense right if if you if you are a mature individual and you can understand that at an early age and be like all right cool that's how they see me but fuck that's not how i see me like i'm cool regardless That is an interesting skill that you must acquire in adulthood because, like you said, you know, we are, we are thriving on mostly external anchors in what people say about us because of our accomplishments.

Well, in the reality it is we're also, we live in a really toxic shame-based society, right? And the word should, by the way, I was giving you all those examples, should is a shame-based word because it implies that whoever you are, whatever you are, isn't good enough. Yeah. Right. So every time you wake up in the morning and say, I should have worked out. this morning. I should have gotten up earlier. I should have packed my stuff. You immediately put yourself into the shame and blame cycle that's only perpetuated by society. Right. So you're already in that low

frequency energy right out of the gate because you're already shooting all over yourself. And it makes sense in lots of ways. But it's like, look, some people do find it early. Some people never find it. You know, for me, it's, you know, you gave a quick little intro of my story. Right. The reality of it is, is like, I used to believe that my arm getting torn off was my transformation story. It's the story and the trauma that created a bunch of trash. Yeah, of course it is. And I didn't realize for 20 to 25 years later, right? And then I had to unpack it, right?

So here's what would happen. I walk out of the hospital. I've got my arm at 90 degrees because the humorous was, it was torn off, like literally right here is where it came off, right? Right. So we attached. I'm hanging, right? And my arm is hanging there.

It has to be 90 degrees to the bone. will heal. So I've got a teddy bear in between my sling and my body. Inevitably, you know I'm going to get asked, right? Everybody's like, oh, what happened to you? Right? Now, they were all expecting me to say, well, I was racing my brother down the street and we crashed our bikes or I flew off the jungle gym or whatever, but I'd look at them dead pan in the eye and I'd say, I was over by a truck and my left arm was torn off. And I got really used to seeing Jaws hit the floor. And then they would pause. Ninety-nine percent of the time they'd pause and they'd turn to look at my parents for validation, which told me what? They didn't believe my truth. They didn't believe

my story. They needed another person to validate my own truth. Interesting. So at age seven, I remember not feeling seen and understood and not feeling connected. And as a result, I didn't feel safe or protected. Those are the four things we all seeking desire as human beings. We all want to feel safe. We all want to feel protected. We all want to feel connected. But the second we protect ourselves because we feel unsafe, we actually guarantee that we'll never be seen and understood and connected. We'll talk about that in a little bit. But the other piece of it that I also got put into it was, was this, Sean. Those same people and so many others started viewing me through their lens of what they'd be capable of in my situation and immediately limiting me. Well, Brian's

never going to be able to do this. Brian's never going to be able to do that. Brian's never going to be able to do these things, right? And pardon my language, but I said, fuck that. Like at seven, those weren't my words, but that was the reaction I had, right? Like, who are you to tell me? No. Right? And so what did I do? I created an intellectual narrative because what did I hear? Mindset.

If you've got a strong mindset, if you've got mental toughness, you're going to be okay. And I'll be really, really clear. Again, it's a critical part of the equation. But mindset and mental toughness are often misrepresented because people don't actually understand they're just masking. Right? Because here's what happened. My mental narrative was this.

Brian's good. Brian's strong. Brian's capable. Brian can do anything himself. Now what the world added to it that I didn't and I didn't give him permission to was, oh, and if Brian needs help, hell, ask for it. Fast forward to age 20 and I'm snowboarding. I go down and I re-break my left arm.

Same spot it came off at. Almost lost it. Went 10 months with it hanging by my side. Seven surgeons who were afraid to touch me because of medical malpractice. And at any moment having the risk of veins or nerves or any of the reconstruction being clipped at any time. I got into a really, really, really deep, dark and depressed state because I was surrounded by people in that time of my life.

Friends, brotherhood, brother. others like girls like all over the place. I was a very social person, but nobody was there. And here's the thing. I'm not upset with any of them. Because they bought into my narrative. Brian's good. Brian's strong. Brian's capable. Brian can do anything himself. But the narrative they added that wasn't going to be my truth is in the most vulnerable period of my life, I didn't have the courage to ask for help. So I remained alone. I remained disconnected. I remained isolated. And I started to shift towards this concept of understanding, well, mental toughness alone, if the world buys into it, it also has the ability to hurt me, right? What I really did was I buried a lot of trash. I buried a lot of

beliefs. I showed up because the world told me not to feel emotion, right? I pushed through. And every time I pushed through, I pushed that trash down, building more and more pressure up in it, yet I'm still feeling disconnected, right? And the reality of it is, I'll give you one more section of this, because it's important to understand the dynamic in the path. So what did I do? I focus on human connection for that next period of my life. Vulnerability and authenticity, which I believe are the glue that binds human connection. I got really good at asking questions, got really good at sharing just enough to get other people to lower their walls so that I can enter in and fix all their problems.

What I didn't realize unconsciously is I was still avoiding my own, right? And then what did I do? I chased all the what's because that's what the world told me to do, right? I didn't have a model for chasing who. I didn't have a model for chasing human connection. I had a model for chasing external success. So that's what I did. By age 27, I was a partner in a firm that we'd built to over $10 million,

and by the time I exited, we'd built it to $15 million with the span of a decade. I don't say that to impress. I say it to impress upon the point. I had everything. I had more money. I had the cars. I had the house. I had the wife.

I had new kids. I had all of it. I was a public figure in our society. I had done a lot of philanthropic work. And I think unconsciously what I was doing this whole time when I chased what? is believing that if I built a life of significance, of scale, of prominence, of admiration, maybe people just want to be around me. Maybe they'd want to be in my life.

Maybe I'd be important. But at 27 years old, I woke up and I realized I had all the whats, but it cost me who I was, Sean. Dude, this, this, I'm getting goosebumps because, you know, we've gotten to know each other pretty well over the last, you know, seven months or so. I think it's been that long. Maybe not that long. But I took that break because that's what was going on with me.

I started getting involved in the whats. I started comparing my show to others. I started comparing what I was monetarily in this space to what everybody else was saying. And to your point, I focused so hard on being mentally tough and just doing the work regardless. So much so. that as you mentioned, it pushed everything down, right? All this trash. And it's like, look at me.

I'm doing the work regardless. You know what it got me? It got me a wife second guessing what my priorities were. It got my kids walking in here and feeling rejected because I told him I was recording a show right at this point. If my four-year-old rock walks in here, so be it. She can talk to you too. I don't care anymore, right? You've got to give some authentic looks to this world.

Okay. This is not the only thing I do. It is something I do. And guess what? It's not who I am. It's something, again, that I do. And what happened was I looked around and I, and I saw my wife and I disagreeing more. I saw me being quick to anger, quick to trigger, and I'm still not perfect. And I, and one of these things that I thought, I, and I said this out loud. I was like, I'm doing this for you guys. because I want that life of prominence. I want those things. I think I should have this house. I think I should be... That was my narrative, son. Yeah, bro. And guess what?

I wasn't doing it for them. No. That's like, dude, and that's, that was the paradigm shift for me. It's like, that's when I said, whoa, I'm not recording for two months or however long it is until I'm ready to get back into it

and do it for the right reasons. Now, like, hey, if you listen, you listen, you love it great great great reality of it is dude my narrative used to literally be i was doing everything for the benefit of my family i've said for a long time that being a husband and father is the most important role to me but my actions were not always congruent yeah i mean you a little more insight into that i mean that was genuinely what it was what was i doing i was providing for my family financially i was providing leadership i was providing physical security i was providing

you know connection energy fun all these things but what's crazy is my wife and i've been married for 17 or been together for 17 years married for i shoot 13 going on 14 we hid from each other for 14 years and my wife and my kids have only felt emotionally safe with me for 18 months here's the reality at 27 i realized that i'd lost who i was and i started to realign myself but there was still a lot a trash that was buried. And I believe that for every level of pain that we create in our lives, we create a coinciding layer of armor to protect ourselves. Right.

And what it led to for me was being highly disconnected. I'm laying on the couch with my daughter now at 32 years old. And she puts her arm around my neck, kisses me on the cheek and says, I love you, daddy. And I start crying, like full-blown alligator tears just dripping out of my face. Now, I don't typically cry. And I want to be really clear here. I actually see men who cry as a huge sign of strength. I conditioned myself not to cry for so long that I'm still learning how to reconnect to it.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. But the reality of it is, is like, I'm crying in that moment and realizing that if I'm experiencing joy in this moment the way that I am, that I've never experienced like this before that's brought me to pure tears, then every other emotion I've ever experienced is pale in comparison, which meant I wasn't really feeling anything. see when I shut off physical pain because it exceeded my ability to cope, I shut off intellectual pain, mental pain, emotional pain, and spiritual pain for 20 to 25 years and I didn't realize it. I'd focus that prior 13 years on human connection with vulnerability and authenticity. But guess what? Human connection without emotion isn't really human connection.

Yeah, no. The highest performers on this planet are those that understand whether they're hardwired intellectually or emotionally and how to listen to balance and regulate between both their intellectual and emotional narratives because both can be true and both can lie to you simultaneously. But I want to give you this concept of protection because this is something that everybody understands, right? Like, and here, what I want to really help everybody understand is, is like, look, like, you can turn your waste into wealth in your life. When we talk about trash, all of your treasures are buried in all that trash pressure. The other thing is the trash from your past,

99% of the times is not your fault. It just becomes your. responsibility once you become aware of it or you start burying others in your trash. Now, what do I mean by that? It's not your fault. It's generationally patterned and inherited. My wife and I've been able to trace our historical generational patterns of triggers back three generations that we're aware of. And we can see how every group continues to evolve. But it makes sense because guess what happens? When you start getting should it all over in the beginning of your life, most people at some point in their life distinctly remember at the first moment they didn't feel seen and understood. They didn't feel connected. They didn't feel safe, right?

what happens we don't feel safe we protect ourselves so sean i want you to imagine you know what those 35 gallon trash bags are for outdoor trash pans big black ones yep imagine one unfolded right now and hold it in front of you like literally put your arms out real right now and imagine that that bag is in front of you okay that's your armor you're protecting yourself okay now i want to ask you with your wife with your kids with any of your clients then your prospects how could you expect them to properly see all of who you what you want, your heart, your desires, your intent, your gold, all of the solutions, the way that you interact, you're genuine, your ethics, your morals, all of it, delivered through an invisible force field.

And that's also assuming that they're not carrying their own that's further distorting the message. Yeah, it's impossible. The second you protect yourself, you guarantee you will not be seen and understood and connected. Whenever you protect yourself, you're actually disconnecting yourself. So we teach this concept of becoming a protector and connector because you can lower your armor, in two ways. You can fabricate it and convince yourself that you're safe right now, or you can unpack and process and heal

through all the stuff that's causing you to protect. That's the long-term solution that makes you not feel like garbage regularly consistently. The other one, though, you can infiltrate in moments. So what does that mean? Sean, you walk into a room with your family, with your company, with your clients, any of them, it doesn't matter. If you can understand that you are safe and protected,

you can lower your own armor, exist completely open with a soft front and a strong spine, be vulnerable, be authentic, and be real. And you can wrap a layer of protection around the entire environment that you're in, which guarantees that everyone will be safe. Everyone will be protected. Everyone will be seen and understood and everyone will be connected. As leaders, as men, we have that ability.

We have that strength. But most of the time, it's our armor that's protecting our pain that's actually projecting everything and everyone we want away from us. You know, this is almost therapeutic. You know, I'm taking away from it. It is therapeutic because you said, you know, about five minutes ago, you were talking about the first moment that you didn't feel seeing herded protected. I can remember that moment. It was at the dinner table on a Sunday at my grandparents' house.

My grandfather told me that I would never play professional baseball. Bingo. There it is. You know, so. The trigger moments, man. And so that was early on. And, you know, for me, my big trigger moment is when someone tells me I can't do something. I automatically want to show them and, you know, when so big that they suffocate, again, external

anchor has nothing to do with me, right? And so I just want everybody watching and listening to really dive into this because, you know, we are not talking about anything that we haven't gone through or go through on a day basis to fix. And if you're out there and you're feeling like you're not being seen, heard, then, you know, you need to look into what you have going on. Right. And start reconnecting with who you are and the power that you have and sift through that garbage. Let me ask you a question for the audience because I think this is super important. And you've, and you've asked me this question. And I was super honest with you. Yeah. A lot of people don't know how to go back in deal.

with all of that. So where would you tell them, like the audience listening and watching, what is one of the first things they could do to start going through the trash of their past? Yeah. Yeah, I'll give you, you know, we can, I'll give you a really high level of like what we call the five pillars of trash. I think it's, it's really, really important. Because the very first thing that most people question is, how do I know if I even have trash from my past? You do. Now, I can tell you flippantly and you can expect my bias that every single one of us and every single one of you has it, right? Or I can also flip a question back to you for you to consider. And Sean, if you're willing to play real time, we can model the how as well as giving some of the pillars throughout it.

Okay. So who was the last person that made you feel like garbage? My dad. How did that feel in your body? Nauseous. Okay. you actually felt the physical symptoms of throwing up. Tell me what happened that your dad made you feel like garbage.

All right, audience, here you go. So we were sitting there, uh, Fourth of July weekend about three years ago. And my cousin, who's an actor, was sitting there saying like, hey, you look great. You've, you've gotten in shape. You're so proud of everything you're doing, your podcast. My dad, you know, off in the distance, I was saying, look at him. He's still got a little fat on him. Still fat.

Hey boy, still fat. Didn't listen. I heard him. But then it was, how's that little podcast you have going? Anybody listening yet? And so for me, it really triggered me. And to a point where I got physically ill because it was so toxic. And the only thing that I could think of is like, oh, my God.

my wife is here meeting this man for the first time now she understands me now i'm being seen now now she fully knows who i am and why and then i'm thinking about my kids in the bedroom that were there and i grabbed them i grabbed my wife and i got the fuck out of that house because for me there was no way i was going to stay in that home any longer for my children to be caught up in that cycle. And I cut it and I walked out. So that was that. That was a moment, man.

I haven't spoken to him since. And I won't. Okay. Well, that's something that we'll take offline, by the way, because I've got some thoughts. I'll reflect back to you. But we'll see. It goes much deeper than that, by the way.

But yeah. Yeah, no, no, I know that. But thank you for going there and for playing with us. What you just stepped into is two things. It's the first two pillars. Okay. the first pillar is awareness and the second pillar is ownership

and what I want to be really clear of is when I say five pillars and I'd say one, two, three, four, five, they're not linear. It's more like an infinity that we're constantly cycling back and forth because we're going to be in different processes of this at every time. But awareness is not just becoming more aware of all the ways

you should be judging yourselves. Most of the time people raise awareness and they just start literally judging themselves more because of all the whys that perpetually never end to an answer on what to do about it. Awareness is about extracting how you feel the narratives and the lessons tied to your experiences that allow you to see you more clearly. Okay. So what does that mean? In this case, in this situation, one, you're aware that you now have garbage, right? You've given two situations where your grandfather didn't make you feel seen and understood, told you you never

be good enough. And then very clear narratives not long ago from your father that were still that subtle embedded designed to blame and shame and bring you down, right? Still not seeing and understanding you. right? That trigger right there is for real an area that you've had protection, that you've had armor, that you've had reactions in moments because of where you haven't felt seen and understood and you felt the need to defend in different periods. So you're aware that you've had shame as a part of your life and you've had shame on both sides. You're not worthy and you're not good enough. And hey, when you shut that down, you show up in the arena and you're actually ready to go to battle. It's, wait, who do you think you are? What's that nice little podcast you got going on?

You get in any track? It's the bigger you live, the more you need to. to feel like you're checking yourself to be approved because it doesn't fit inside their box. Right? Yeah. Awareness is so important because we can't be intentional to what we're unaware of. And I'll tell you that I was blind to most of my stuff for most of my life. I didn't realize I was suffering from shame until I was 27 or 28.

And I didn't understand how deep my anger, resentment, frustration was until literally 24 to 28 months ago. Okay? Here's the crazy part. I was literally blind to it. I was unaware, which meant I couldn't do anything else beyond that. Ownership is owning your role, your responsibility, accepting your part for your issues in life, business, relationships, and health. Blame and shame are off the table, though. This is about perspective seeking. Okay. So what does that mean? Well, my wife used to say something like this. she'd say, hey, babe, what do you want to do with the kids this weekend? And my shame filter would cause me to hear it this way. Hey, honey, you've not done enough to be a good husband and father this week.

So what are you going to do to make up for it this weekend? Not what my wife said, but that's what I heard. And that's what I believed I was being attacked on. And I told you being a husband and father is a number one thing for me. So what would happen? I'd feel my heart race. I'd feel my chest start to puff. I'd feel the heat and the wave run over my body.

And then I'd feel the reaction where I'd rattle off the 10 things I've done in the last few days to show her I'm a good husband and father. Wasn't even what she was asking. Right. Right. But here's the reality. I have to be able to own that I just created damage in that moment. I have to be able to create repair around the damage that I've created.

And I have to own the fact that shame caused me to shrink down in situations that caused me to live smaller. Shames caused me to react and get bigger and cause anger because it's a secondary emotion to come out. Right. I have to own the fact that I have allowed that to happen, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's my fault. again, it's becoming my responsibility once I'm becoming aware of it. Okay?

So that was a big shift and I can kind of unpack that a little bit further, but three is unpack. The third pillar is unpack. This is feeling for the purpose of healing, allowing yourself to feel the trash from your past and understand physiologically how that shows up in your body. The point here is to sit in it only long enough until it points you what's important. Okay. So what does that mean? Well, does you know that there's over 40,000 cells in the heart called sensory neurites that are brain-like cells?

And they've shown and studied that if you go to therapy, for example, and you just intellectually process the perils of your past, the patterns of your past, and the trash from your past alone, but you don't actually embody it and have the associated feelings to it to understand where they came from, where the narratives came from, and what you can extract in terms of the lessons to move forward, that those 40,000 cells don't actually heal. and you'll continue to feel that cellular pain, regardless of where you move yourself intellectually. Well, two aren't connected. So, but until we dive- I've said for years, you have to feel in order to heal. Yeah, man.

I shut off feelings in every area of my body, my emotions, my spirit, and my mind for 20 to 25 years, I shut it off. Yeah. Right? So no matter what I was doing up here, no matter what level of success I reached externally,

no matter how much money I made, no matter how much I was doing, I still felt disconnected, empty alone, not seen, not understood, not worthy, not good, not a living in my purpose. So I had to unpack what were the sources, the root or roots of these things. You talked about a couple today. That moment your grandfather sat there. Guess what? That is a source of your shame.

It's not the only source, but it is a source. And there are foundational, fundamental beliefs that you've carried through your entire life that have caused moments of reaction that have created damage simply because of that one common. 1 billion percent. And so that's part of ownership as well, is when we create damage, we have to create repair. But the unpack stage is where we do most of the healing. It's where we start to unpack and dig enough

so that we can see where the treasure comes from in that situation as well. Guess what? You got a really damn good element of work ethic. You learned how to create discipline. You learned how to follow a path to reach a high level of success to play Division I baseball, right?

Which is still statistically a low of percentage of baseball players ever that make it to D1. We're not even talking about the pros, but D1 is a small percentage. You learned how to perform at a high level. You learned how to endure adversity. You learned how to push through certain things. But that means that when you get to reconnect to your feeling,

you get to have a little bit more softness in your life, more intention, then that treasure is even more powerful in contrast. And so that's what unpacking also does. It allows you to separate the shame and blame from the people, the sources where this has come from, but start to center yourself and how do you move through it? How do you feel through it? it, right? And we've got frameworks for helping people do this in each stage. Four is flip the lid,

though. Okay? This is literally flip the lid and see what's risen to the top. Lay out your trash in the light. What emotions and thoughts are running through you right now. List them out without any attempt to rationalize. Like this is about separating from fight or flight in the moment. Right. So this now is in this position where when my wife says something to me like that, like, hey, what are we going to do with the kids this weekend and I feel a trigger. Part of flipping the lid is to do this real time. Meaning, I know the feeling of reaction. I've spent the time understanding the emotions, the narratives, I've paired them. I've understood them. So when I feel the reaction of protection, I know the second that I'm protecting myself, it's because I'm protecting

something that I'm unconscious of or I heard something incorrectly. So I can center myself and say, hey, babe, I just felt triggered by what you said. Do you mind restating it and I'll try to hear it through a more neutral lens. And if for whatever reason I can't, maybe we can pause this and revisit it later, so we don't have any moments of reaction that we're going to create damage for us. I can flip the lid and literally become aware, own and unpack my real-time state right in front of me, ensuring I never even create damage. I have the ability to choose and control that in any given moment by taking a breath. Because most of the time when we feel that moment of reaction, it's about pausing in that moment so that we can move. The fifth pillar, I'll run through this one

fast and then we'll wrap, but this one is the most important. It's going to take all of the others to get you to hear. Okay. But this is about knowing how do these emotions and reactions move through your body? How do they move through your world? And how do you move through them? Okay. What does that mean? Well, I used to run a very successful risk management employee benefits insulting business. We worked with a lot of multi-billion dollar companies that had multiple buyers, long sales processes, long situations. I would be responsible for generating it, maintaining the relationship, but I would introduce our teams and subject matter experts to deploy what we were doing. But typically, I'd be the only one involved in the front of the deal.

I can't tell you how many times I'd line up a whole deal. We'd sell it. It was already ours. I bring the team out. I talk fast and I'm loud if you haven't noticed so far. I love it. But here's the thing. You know how many times in those meetings?

I was told, Ryan, you can't talk that fast. You can't talk that loud. Not in a corporate environment. Not here. No, not in front of a billion-dollar client. And my shame,

because I wasn't centered in who I was at the time, would cause me to bite my tongue, shrink down and feel. Like I wasn't good enough, right? Even though I orchestrated the whole deal and everybody in that room was there because of me. Right? No. But all of a sudden, I wasn't good enough. So why is that important?

Well, I just told you two different ways that shame and anger moved through my body. I react, I get big. I shrink down. I get small. The reason I asked you, how did it physiologically feel? You said you were nauseous. Most people label it with a feeling or an emotion. Oh, I feel pressure.

I feel heaviness or I feel anxiety. those are all labels. I want you to physiologically understand what's happening in your body. What's happening with your heart? What's happening with your mind? What's happening? Does your jaw lock up? Do you feel your throat get tense?

Do you feel tension in your back? Do you feel your lungs shortened in breath? Do you like get specific? Because you're disconnecting from your body the second you start labeling. I want you to sit in it long enough to know how does shame or whatever emotion you're dealing with move to your body? I get hot. I get hot. Like I get warm.

My body five or six different ways. It's important that I know that. Yeah. Right. Anger moves through my body five or six different ways. But once you understand how it moves through your body, then you can understand how it moves through your world, i.e., where do you get triggered? Okay? For me, I have over 50 shame triggers that I'm aware of and over 60 anger triggers that I'm aware of.

Okay? But what does that mean? It means that when our doorbell rings and my two chihuahuas go insane old pants and I get on sensory overload and it puts me on edge that feels like anger, that I can separate myself in that moment to, to move through it and not have a reaction against my son who's on the spectrum of my daughter who's hearing impaired who might jump in my lap and feel that edge and energy that had nothing to do with them and had everything to do with my reaction to the fucking dogs. Right. But the reason this is important is until you know how it moves through your body and knows through your world, you can't catch yourself in the moments where they pattern. Because what's important in that moment is to pause,

take a breath, and ask yourself two questions. Is what I'm reacting to due to what's right in front of me or the trash from my past. And I'll bet you that 99% of the time it's going to be the trash from your past. And the second question is, what am I protecting right now? Hmm. You know, it's very, it's, it's very interesting because my wife is an empath. My, I mean, extreme empath, um, to where, you know, she talks about, she goes, I, I can see, I, I either see white on somebody, gray energy or black energy. I can, I can, I, I, I, my my four-year-old's the same way and this right here really rings clear that the energy that they may be feeling is my trash and I don't I mean it's I mean it's 1,000% right so while I feel like I'm saying it one way

my energy is saying different and no wonder you don't feel seen understood with what you're trying to say and how come they question my intent this is what I've told them they're not hearing it Yeah, they're feeling. They're feeling it. And most people do, by the way. Yeah. And again, it's because of that armor, because what are we, at the second we're protecting ourselves, the second we've got that little bit of edge, that little bit of armor,

anytime it will dilute the message of what you're trying to communicate. And again, this is critical in business, too, right? Like we're talking personal examples. But like if you're feeling like your teams never listen to you, you can't keep teams, you're having leadership and turnover problems. Oh, why doesn't anybody be able to actually implement what I, got control issues, turnover, lack of culture, lack of growth, like all of it, I promise you as the leader of a company comes back to the trash from your past.

Dude, this has been such an impactful conversation and I feel and I know that this is going to be completely on time for my listeners and my viewers because they love these types of conversations. And so with that being said, man, like, where, how can, if my audience is listening, how can they work with you? How can they find you? Like what what programs do you have? I know you're a coach, business strategist, a speaker. Like, you know, let's get you some speaking events. Let's get you some more people that you can help unpack their trash. How do they find you, man? Yeah. I mean, I would say there's two easy ways. If you're a web person, go to Brianbogart.com and that'll get you into our world. It doesn't have all the updated information in every single day because we do it

somewhat regularly, but you'll get a feel and you'll be able to get in touch with us. If you're on social media, go to at Boggart Brian on any channel, including YouTube. And we put out a lot of free content that's there designed just to help. We've got a number of offers that have zero or very low barrier of entry from a financial perspective for people to enter. And then we have a lot of high ticket stuff and one to one in group. We've got a transformational retreat in Arizona that is an all-inclusive three-day literal transference and transformation waste to wealth seminar where we're helping people literally transform in a matter of three days and compress months of healing into to days and leave with clarity on where they're going and building.

We do these regularly and often. We've got community stuff. And yeah, as a keynote speaker, I love to be able to help people understand why digging through their trash is the best way to connect and convert and growing your life and your business. I mean, that's the reality. Nobody wants to dig into it. Nobody wants to look at it.

But it is the singular thing that's going to allow you to stand in your power and potential and actually be able to accomplish and attract all the impact, all the people and everything you desire in your life. And we've got multiple examples of how we unlocked that. So yeah, those are some really quick ways. We've got, you know, a bunch of options. Reach out to us and we'll help you find the right path. Awesome.

And for those of you listening and watching, these are going to be in the show notes. You're going to be able to connect with him. But I want to give you a little bit of a, you know, personal experience that I've had with Brian. He will never make you feel like you have to do something. He will always give you information. he's going to be real with you. And I think you can tell it by this conversation that he's truly out there to help people. So you're not going to run into one of these slimy individuals that just pop into your DMs and force you to do something and make you feel less than or should all over you.

And by the way, I share that term. You know, I should all over myself all the time. I'm getting better at it. Hell, I got to work out in at 7 a.m. today. And I was excited about it. Didn't give a shit if it was 4.30 or 7. Got it done, man. But, you know, guys, I would encourage you to reach out to him.

I know a lot of you guys that listen and watch my show, reach out to my guests and ask how you can work with them. I would say, y'all, double the fuck down on this one. Double the fuck down on him because he is the real deal. I love this guy. He's a good friend. And he has everybody's best interest at heart because he's gone through some things, as you've heard that have turned him in to the true individual he is right now. He calls himself the heart surgeon without a blade. And, you know, I can, I can literally, literally see how he could dub himself that.

So, Ryan, man, I love you, dude. And I thank you so much for being on the show. And I cannot wait for everybody to listen to this and to give their feedback. Because I know this is probably, in fact, definitely the most value-packed show I've had in a very long time. So many thanks to you, buddy. John, thank you, brother. I love you too, and I'm grateful that you built a platform for me to be able to come poor, good into the world. Truly, I appreciate how you edified me, and it's not lost on me, my friend.

You are good people, and I'm grateful that you're in my life. Dude, always, brother. Until next time, guys, stay safe, love your people, be real, be authentic, and just remember one thing also, too. Kindness wins 100% of the time. Shout with you all soon.