The Dick Show - Episode 1 – Dick in Mexico

Episode Date: June 7, 2016

Download the MP3 – Transcript Welcome to the Dick Show, the show where everything is a contest. Everything dies suddenly, even when you know it’s coming. I spend the first 15 minutes of the show addressing the end of the Biggest Problem in the Universe in the only way I know how: sarcastic rhetorical questions. … Continue reading "Episode 1 – Dick in Mexico" The post Episode 1 – Dick in Mexico appeared first on The Dick Show.

Yeah, everybody welcome to Dick. The Dick Show. It's what you need. It's what you want. Dick, it's the show that stands for something. It's the only show. It's the only podcast where everything is a contest. Is that fair to say I'm your host, Dick Masterson.

With me, as always, from the very beginning, my good friend, audio engineer, Sean. Dick? Hey, what's up buddy? How's it going? How you doing? You're okay. With me also today is a temporary co-host

for this show, for this episode. My very good friend, who's a writer for Vice, co-host of the Can I Pet Your Dog podcast. Am I forgetting anything else? Nope, that's it. And renowned comedian. Thank you. On Twitter. Yes. And known to me and many, many thousands of people, Allegra Ringo. Hello. Was that insulting? It's funny to use the word comedian. Renown comedian. Allegra

Ringo. Thank you. Thanks for having me. You've been called the, the clown of feminism. I have, yes. Is that true? By a vice-commenter, that is correct. Okay, we'll get to that in a minute. We'll get into that. You, let's just, right off the bat, let's say, let's say, an opposing ideology.

Yes. For all the fans of the show. It's true. Pop, pop, well, I don't wanna speak for all of them, but for a lot of time. Sure. Definitely for me, what I'm established at, as online, right?

Okay. Welcome to Dick. Also, I wanna thank Water Boy for that amazing theme song. I think there was an Obama in there. Did you catch that? No. I couldn't care if I'm straight. A lot of Dick's in there.

I started to keep track of all the Dick's. Yeah. Right? Slip in an Obama. Yeah, you're slipping in an Obama. Okay. There's a, there's a big elephant in the room, right? I want to ask you guys a question.

I want to open with a question. Always open with a question to all my guests, right? Do I look like a dark wizard to you? When you look at me, do I have pale skin? Do I have slits for nostrils? Do I look like I carry a wand anyway or that I'm familiar with the dark arts? No, but what's the follow-up question? Do I look like I might have been born to muggle parents and that I tried to commit some kind of racial genocide

with among wizards. Do I look like Voldemort in some way is what I'm asking. Sean, you're smiling. I have no idea where you're going with this. Something tells me I'm not going to. Why? Why was I not mentioned? Voldemort is he who could not be named? Do I look like a Voldemort? I don't think so. Then why is anyone trying to fuck me like a Voldemort? If that would happen to Voldemort,

I haven't seen the movies. No, no, I'm referring to, look, we gotta address the death of possibly the greatest podcast in history. This is the only podcast episode one where we're starting with a moment of silence, right? I mean, I think we owe it to the fans of that podcast because it was a surprise. It was a surprise to everyone.

And what I wasn't expecting was really the hundreds of emails and comments, maybe even a thousand, online of people who said that show really meant something to them. So I do wanna take a minute and thank everybody, all the fans for participating in that show, listening to that show, tuning in, because when people invest their time

in something like that, just as a listener, when people invest their time, just as a listener, a listener, a new show, I think that's a big commitment. I feel like, right, you run a podcast. I do. You're the co-host of the podcast. I do.

Can I pet your dog? That's right. Right. And I think you would say the same thing, probably, of your audience. When they tune in, when they listen, when they get invested to the show. Sure. It's a special thing. It is.

From their side. It's hard to get dogs to sit still that long. Exactly. It is hard to sit. Do you guys hard to get dogs to sit still that long. Exactly. It is hard to. So do you guys interview dogs for anybody? No, just people, sorry. No. Everyone asks us that.

But sometimes people bring their dogs in. Well, I've been a, I want to address this right at the top. I've been a part of a lot of projects, big and small, that end in ways, some quietly, some spectacularly, but they end. And it feels, and after everyone, there's a tremendous sense of loss, right? Because especially a show like that, especially a show like Biggest Problem,

where everyone is very engaged. It brings out a lot of strong emotions on either side because it's a contentious show. It's a debate show. Have you heard, did you ever listen to an episode? Yeah, I did. Okay. You know what I'm talking about.

One episode. One episode. Did I win on that episode? Did I actually don't remember? I've listened to a few, I don't remember. Oh, that's very nice of you. Listen to a couple episodes of your show as well. Thank you.

So a show like that ends, as I was saying, projects of any size, they end for whatever reason. And it's always like, well, you know, fuck it. Like you realize in that moment how your entire, it's not about the time invest that it's, it's not about how being a part of that thing has changed the way you think all the time. You know, you're going around,

especially in a show like Whisperer, you're going around all week and everything you see is another big problem. Like every interaction you have with anybody, they mention the show. They they throw you something that they want to see on the show, right? It becomes a significant part of your life

and then it's gone and it's just bloop out of there, right? This time, it's gone and it's just bloop out of there, right? This time, it's happened before, this time was the only time where there has been out, I mean, out of nowhere, there was hundreds of emails that the day, the day that that episode launched on Tuesday, Sean, I immediately got a deluge of emails from people who were in abject sorrow about the show. You know, sorrow, gratitude, they were posting on the subreddit what this show meant to me. They're, they're all, you look at it from a bird's eye view and they're all, you know,

dealing with dealing with loss. They're dealing with grief. Like, you can, they're constructing their own fan, fan-fick episodes. Oh, they're great. Really? They're great, they're hilarious. Oh, that's awesome. They have little robots reading them

for the fan-fick episodes, they're hilarious. But I've never gotten that kind of support from anything that's ever gone bust in a hurry. You know what I'm saying? And that from the bottom of my heart, I never said those words before, that's why it's weird to say. To all the fans who sent me the supportive emails, to all the fans who are supporting me on Patreon,

supporting the show, seriously, go fuck yourselves. Appropriate. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Could expect nothing less. No, thank you very much. And part of the reason I wanted to get this show up is quickly as possible,

is because I think everybody's owed, I think everybody's owed some kind of, I think they're owed a statement on it. Like we have to address it in some way. That many people, that many people let tune in every week and you owe them something, right? You could understand that from your show. Sure.

Allegra, your show's about dogs. Correct. People are very passionate about their dogs. Also correct. Also correct. Are they as passionate about their dogs as they are about getting peace stains on their pants. From the dogs?

No, from themselves. Oh, I would say they're more passionate about the dogs. And I would say again, what's the follow up question? No, that was one of our biggest problems in the universe. Oh, peace in the Philippines. Yeah, Pistols are so- Is that happened? Oh, yeah.

For men, yeah, that's a big, see, with your, maybe you don't know, that's kind of stuff in your feminist circles, but that's something men have to deal with. This piece, they pissed ribbons, piece stains on our pants. I've got a number of emails about it, but you know, it's people who are, people who are in the national services guy, Dailin Limrodon, I'm currently serving national service every weekend, I come home, I'll be listening to these problem now, fuck what the fuck happened. I've got one less thing to look forward to every weekend out of my fucking forsaken army camp.

I sincerely hope it's a joke. There you go. It's just, it's numerous. I think I do owe an explanation to all the fans. So this is, this is maybe the last problem I'll bring in we could say if it would have been is everybody's asking, you know, everybody's asking why, what the hell happened, what the hell happened, and they're not hearing anything, you know, they're not getting a response. So I could go through and answer every email

and every comment individually, but I figured this is the best way to do it. And the simplest and the most accurate explanation is artistic differences, which if you've seen it before, everyone knows what that means, right? Because at some point things just can't proceed anymore. At some point there's too many disagreements to proceed anymore. For whatever it is, who's ever involved, it doesn't work anymore.

In a marriage, they'll call that irreconcilable differences. Right. Politically, they'll call it diplomatic immunity. Right? Can't touch me, it's diplomatic immunity. Right? But we call it artistic differences, because at this point, I'm not a reliable narrator.

You know, it's when it's between two people, when something's between two people, no one outside can be an objective referee, and those two people themselves can no longer be objective referees. You know, that's why it's called, that's why it's simply artistic differences and we'll leave it at that.

I would also like to say, hey, thank you to Maddox for the biggest problem in the universe. It was a really great show. And no matter what we do here, trying to come up with this show to Maddox for the biggest problem in the universe. It was a really great show. And no matter what we do here, trying to come up with this show was like coming up with a show after Seinfeld, right?

Like it can't be done. The chemistry and the premise of Biggest Problem was to me very much like Seinfeld. It's something that came together because of the people involved, and it's something that came together because of the idea of the show. Like, you can't just... The first thing I wanted to do when it was over,

when I was talking about registering domain names, the first thing I wanted to do when it was over was like, Hey, let's do like the... Not the biggest one, let's do the greatest difficulty in the room. Right? Let's do the worst issue of the seven seas. That sounds normal, right? And you come up with 10,000 versions of that, but it's all the same thing and it still

doesn't work because that show, we came in hot every episode. We came, Sean, you were there. We come in, man, you'd come, you'd think about it all week and you would come into that show ready to go, guns blazing. I'm really gonna, I'm really gonna knock this one out of the park, right? Like, oh man, income tax. I'm gonna come in with income tax. Max is gonna say this.

I'm gonna say this. Max is gonna say this. I'm gonna say, fans are gonna think this. And I'm totally gonna make my case for why income tax is the worst thing in the world, why it's theft, why even the premise of it is theft. And that was what you planned for all week. That was what you planned for all week.

All these weird contingencies and imaginary arguments. And that's kind of what everyone does. Like everybody has imaginary arguments in their head, all day every week, I think. Like, oh, I'm gonna go into work, and this into work and this bitch, this, and Kelly, I'm gonna try to get this meeting moved from 450 to 130 the next day so I can go pick up my kids from soccer practice or whatever. And I know Kelly is gonna say no.

And she's gonna say no because of this. And she's thinking this, but I'm gonna say this, I'm gonna take this one and screw her over with this. I'm gonna, I'm gonna take this one and screw her over with this, I'm gonna remind everybody of when she took off a day early, right, and we all covered her for Memorial Day weekend or something like that, right? That's like, that's how we spend our lives. And that's why the biggest problem was great

because it was all those things. It was all that build up. You'd come in high, it was all that build up all week and you'd come in and you'd put it behind something like other people shitting in your toilet who aren't you. Which is a huge problem. I mean other people, I don't know, is that a...

Oh, that's a huge problem. Yeah, is other dogs, it's like other dogs shitting in your yard that aren't your dogs. Nuck and neck with pissed riblets. It's offensive. It's offensive. It's offensive. So you'd bring that all in, but you can't just recreate that. I don't think it would work to recreate.

That's all I'm saying. However, I will say this. I'll like Rob. Yes. I wanted you to be on this show. We're done with the grieving in the moment of silence, by the way. That was the moment of silence. The silence is a yes.

Yeah, that's 12 minutes of talking. Was it 12? No, I mean, how do you mean? What do you mean? Isn't that what a moment of, as soon as they say moment of silence are like a sporting event, I immediately start ramping. That sounds right. Oh yeah.

Okay, Allegra, I probably should have done this at the beginning of the show. Okay, it's gone. Because that was just me screaming a lot. But I have, so I want, as I'm saying, I'm interviewing co-hosts, right, replacement co-hosts. So I've got some, I want the, and I want the fans to decide. Okay, great.

Because the fans have been so supportive so far. You know, they come out and drove to support the Patreon. I got a bunch of awesome comments from the fans, but I want them to be able to vote on who is taking the place of a legend. Oh my God. Basically, you know, and I think everyone I bring here I think could do it.

Okay. But I have some questions for you because it's a big, it's a big, big shoes to live up to. Sure. You know what I'm saying? Maddox is a, is a rage, a rage machine. Yeah. You might say. Yes.

Right? And he's like that in real life. Yes. But you know. Yes. Which you know. And, and, and the out of the box thinking is, it's out of dimension thinking, you know. And the out of the box thinking, is it's out of dimension thinking.

You know, I have no idea where it's coming from sometimes. You think you know the box, but you just realize when you're talking to him, like, oh, I was in a whole other box that he's now thought me completely out of, right? But there's gotta be a replacement. Okay. Because that's the name of the show. That's the name of the game. There right? But there's gotta be a replacement. Okay. Because that's the name of the show.

That's the name of the game. There's always, there's always, there's always, there's always, there's so much pressure. It's so much pressure, but I have faith in you. So I got a couple, I got some questions. Okay, I like it, like an interview. Okay, great.

Like the most, the most fun thing in life. Like a job interview. I'm sure of your favorite thing. Yeah. The thing we all love a job interview. Yeah, exactly. I've got one to play into your strengths. Okay. thing? Yeah. The thing we all love a job interview. Yeah, exactly. I've got one to play into your strengths. Okay. Right?

Great. You're a dog expert, presumably. I am. You talk about dogs on your dog podcast every week. That's right. Can I pet your dog? That's right. So you know everything about dogs.

I like to think so. You like to think so. Ugh, I don't want to say that before you ask me a question. But you go ahead, go ahead, right? You know every, what's something you don't know about dogs? Why don't know what I don't know? There you go. Everything, you know everything about dogs.

So far, everything about dogs. So far. Everything about dogs. So far, everything. Okay, here's my question. Okay. What's the best dog to use to pick up women? Oh, the best.

Good question. Okay. the best. Good question. Okay. It's a dick question. It's a dick question. Interesting. I'm gonna say. There is a correct answer. There is.

Yeah, just so you know. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, your show's called, can I pet your dog? Yeah. So it must work. I pet a lot of guys dogs. It's a great way to meet girls then, right? Like a guy who's sitting there with his dog,

you're getting excited, you're running over, you're petting the dog. You have a point of conversation. What you're not gonna do that, you're not gonna do that to a guy with a laptop with a Trump sticker on the back, right? No, I'm not. I'm gonna run the other way.

Can I? Okay. Because you're so turned on. I'm so turned on, I can't handle being in the same space. You gotta go home and take a shower. Yeah, I gotta go home and I'm just too horny. Take a cold shower. Yeah, of course.

Okay, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say there's something to be said, there's something to be said for a big buff guy with little dog. That is, I think people are amused if not turned on by that. I think it's a good conversation piece. Okay. However, well, I mean, so being buff is part of it. Well, yeah. Okay, so maybe that's not fair.

The best, do you want our breed? Whatever you got. I mean, this is, this is man points. It's right if you say it is. I'm putting way too much thought into this. She's earnestly trying to answer. That's, and that's the mistake. I know. Okay, you is. I'm putting way too much thought into this. She's earnestly trying to answer. That's the mistake. I know.

Okay, you know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna say beagle, because it's a classic American dog. And a lot of people had experiences with them, and it's non-device of dog. It's not like a pit bull where people have very strong opinions when we're the other. A lot of people have strong experiences with them from like childhood.

Yeah, like positive experiences, but not like divisive. No one's like, I was bitten by a beagle, you know, like, okay fine, someone's gonna do that. No, that's true, that's true, that's a good point. Okay, but what's the right answer? Foster dog. Oh, I know. I do not know that.

Yeah, yeah. Well, okay, so it could be a foster beagle. Absolutely right. That's true. Yeah, and the best part about the foster dog is it doesn't even have to be a foster vehicle. That's true. Yeah, and the best part about the foster dog is it doesn't even have to be a foster dog. You're just, what, you're lying about it? Yeah.

Whose dog is it in a scenario? My parents dog. Oh, that's true, yeah. What kind of dog is that? And you say, well, you get that real, you get that look on your face like, well, it's, she's a foster dog. But that doesn't answer the question of what kind

of dog it's that. It doesn't it though. that doesn't answer the question of what kind of dog is that? It doesn't it though. It doesn't it answer the question. Because your parents dog is like very clearly a lab. No, we have a people still, yeah, people still ask them. They do. Yeah, because people are stupid. They don't know. They're like, oh, what, what kind of dog, they just want to talk.

Like that's all, there's not the whole point of people. That's true. People are dying for something to engage with another human being. It's true, they are. So you have the dog, you float the dog out there and they're like, oh my god, I can ask something about this fucking person because the dog. Yeah, that's right. And he's like, well, thank you for asking.

She's foster. Since you asked me to foster the dog. That's it, that's it. Okay, that's true, but that does mean it's the question. What do you mean, that's it? What breed of dog is that? She's a foster. She's a foster breed.

We don't know. We don't know. We don't know. She's a rescue. You've usually spiked the same thing. That's what I meant. She's a rescue. OK, you're right.

You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, it's not that different. I don't know how it actually works because I would never do it. What's the thing? I feel like you could do a little research.

No, too much. We're already talking. You already, that's it. Game over. Mission accomplished. I win. You did definitely not listen to the last show. I know, I know.

I know. Well, of this show, of the Dix show, of this last show, we're talking about. That's the one. Just no idea what to do with you. Oh, no, no. it's a last show we're talking about. Just no idea what to do with you. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's a lot of people. Okay, yeah, well, okay. Now, have you done this?

Did this worked? Yeah, of course. Are you kidding me? What do you think I just bring in stories that haven't happened on this show? Yeah, that's just fucking podcast. Okay, so that's so wrong. Okay, okay, okay, not.

Although you did know it was rescue. Here's question number two. Because a good cause has got to know this. What makes you a rage? What makes me a rage or what makes me rage? What makes you, I think it's pretty clear what I meant by bad. I think you mean what makes me rage and you just have weird grammar preferences. What makes me a rage?

Okay, let's say weird. I say, I self-identify as having the correct grammar. That's what. That's fair. This is weird. You say potato. Yeah, I say potato. What makes you a rage?

Okay, one thing that makes me a rage is conference calls, which I know is a little bit like 1990s hack stand-up comedy. Well, no, wait, did they have, yeah, they had conference calls like that. They've had conference calls since the Garden of Eden. See, and here's what I feel like. I feel like we've had them since the Garden of Eden and they haven't changed since then.

No. Like, every other technology besides printers has gotten better and conference calls have remained terrible from forever until forever and there's no, I don't see any hope with them getting better. Is it the technology that bothers you or is it how people act in a conference call?

I would say it's both because I would say there's like, there's still just enough of a delay that everyone is either not talking at all or everyone's talking over each other or and then someone goes, I'm sorry, what? No, I'm sorry, what? No, wait, what did you, no, wait, what did you, and so every conference call takes three hours

when it should have been 15 minutes? There's something about the magic of being in a room with someone that makes them stop ticking around. Yeah, I know. Yeah, no, no, face is much better. I don't get nervous for interviews. I interview really well. I hate the phone.

Oh, phone interviews. I can't read the other person. I can't see them there. I can't connect with them. The phone is a terrible way to communicate. Yeah, I mean, I've also been in plenty of like stupid in-person meetings. Well, it's with the conference calls.

It's like everybody is trying to get something more out of it because they're not into like you've got the jokers. Yeah. You've got people who are there to try their hot 10 minutes. Sure. Like, hey, everybody, I got into a bunch of new jokes and I've written over the weekend. Here we go, I got my tight 10.

You guys, you guys ready? Anybody hear about that gorilla? Oh, God. That was watching that kid. Well, how about this? I think I was watching the kid. Well, then you got the watching or washing. He looked like he was washing the kid.

You've got the guy trying out their standup material. Then you got the offensive guy, who's immediately deviating from work to talk about God knows what. Like, hey, what's everybody think about abortion? Anyway. That guy just jumps in. Oh, gosh. Oh, boy.

And then it's like there's one person trying to lead it, but there's always too many people on also, which is I think, I think, through of any, once you get corporate enough, through of any meeting, but there's always think, through of any, once you get corporate enough, through of any meeting, but there's always like, oh, should we invite Sheila?

Yeah, sure, why not? And it's like, no, don't invite, like they always go like, it'd be good to loop her in or whatever. So there's 90 people on the call. Don't loop anybody in. Don't loop anybody in. If they're not here, they don't need to hear about it.

Yeah, they're fine. Just send them a one sentence email, telling them what happened, it's fine. And then there's, and anybody else not mentioned in this list is just on mute watching YouTube video. Yeah, exactly. Or masturbating, right?

Exactly. It's like, great, another three hour conference call. I'm like, I could, let's see, I could jerk off twice. I can watch the Big Lebowski. Oh yeah. And this is how you know that everybody is masturbating on a conference call because every time you mention somebody's name, the first thing they do is unmute and say and find some way of saying, oh, can you repeat that?

Again, without saying, can you repeat it? Like if you're like, hey, can you get me those TPS reports on the thing, Allegra, you'll hear. Um, what were you, what are you talking about? I don't know, Fall, yeah, that's exactly right. Well, because it's like, once a call has gone on for long enough, your brain just goes like, okay, I can't like, I can't possibly make the sobriority for this long.

It's not, it's not important enough. No, it's difficult to pay attention to. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't know why. It's like because there's such a random amount of information to the static and noise ratio is really at a gated sine wave. It's like, there's some bits of information

that are at 100% and you need every part of it. But then most of it is a zero. Yeah, that's actually a great way to put it. I think that's what's hard about it is that you can't really predict unless someone says something like, Analagra, you'll like this, then I'm like, I got it, I'll pay attention. But otherwise, it's not predictable

when I'm gonna need to tune in. Well, that's what they really should do. Like, if you're on a conference call, the conference call etiquette should be to say your name, then say something to say this is important. Right. Then say your name again, and then say, hey, stop masturbating.

Say your name a couple more times, and then say what it is, and then afterwards, email that to you anyway, because it was all a big waste of time. That's actually a pretty good solution because I do feel like the problem is- If only we had a show where we could highlight and solutions the things.

I do feel like the problem is that someone will go, something, something, something important, Allegra, and it's like, no, every time. No, every time. It's like, don't you understand that nobody's paying attention? Like, you gotta say the name up front. That's pretty, I had a pretty good solution. Well, they're also really inefficient

because everybody is afraid to step on each other's ideas. Right. Everybody becomes kind of like a yes man. Yeah. Well, it's like, yeah, no, I hear that, but also everybody is just so non-confrontational and nothing gets done. Yeah.

It's way harder to disagree on the phone. Yes. Because you can't read that person, right? You can't read that person and it's harder to disagree on the phone. Yes. You can't read that person, right? You can't read that person, and it's harder to vocalize. Right. You can email a no, or I'll think about it. You can email a soft no. Right.

Or you can ignore it. You can ignore it. That's a soft no. You can say, I'll think about it. That's a little bit harder of a no, or you can say no, go fuck yourself. Right? On the phone, if somebody puts you on the spot, like what do you wanna do with this?

It's very, you can't do any of those strategies, and saying no is more important in that scenario than saying yes, I think. Like, if you're in a business scenario, saying no will save you money. Like, you've got it, most ideas are shit. Like, most ideas, most plans that human beings have come up with over all the years are horse shit.

We're working at, like, as human beings, we're about 99 to one. 99 horrible ideas, throw them out. One, okay idea. Yeah, I totally agree. So, if you're on a call, you need to be able to know everything and people just not equipped to do that. Yeah, but I also, I totally agree with you.

And I, in person, sorry to interrupt, in person, you'll get a, yeah, like you'll get like a, you'll get a nervous glance at somebody else and then you'll know immediately, oh, that's a no, that was stupid, I'm going to shut it down. I'll have an involuntary reaction that I can't hide. So they know what I'm saying. If somebody goes goes, yeah, yeah, I think we should do this and I'll be like, like, just do the arms folded. Like, you know, I don't like this idea. Yeah.

I've already said it without saying it. Yeah. I also just wish that in like a business setting, well, maybe I don't know. Maybe this is more true of like, Sharky places on like Wall Street and stuff, but I feel like we all know those, right? You know, the place is boiler rooms.

We all know this is, I've never worked a job where it's really that acceptable to be like, no, we're not doing that. You know what I mean? And I don't know what it is if it's just like startups or it's like tech companies or what it is, but I feel like there's a little bit of, at least in my experience, a culture of,

you give us soft no rather than just saying, no, we're not going to do that. But why? We should just say, like you said, and say if it's everybody time and money, if someone just said, no, we're not doing this. It's just that people get their feelings hurt easily. And I think that's why. It's really dismissive, even though it's way more efficient.

Well, we do not push a foot around and do the soft know, which leads them to believe that maybe there's a chance that this will still happen. Yeah, it's like worse in the long run, I think. I wish we could just be like, oh, thank you for the idea, but we're not gonna do that. I don't know, I just really can't do that. Well, you can't.

You can't do everything your brain knows. Yeah, that's true. Like, you've evolved to say, to help and say yes and not shut anybody out. And not like, yeah, that's true, that's true. Yeah, okay, so that makes you a rage. That makes me a rage. It's pretty good. It's pretty good, a legrin.

Thank you. Okay, here's my next question. What do you love most about Donald Trump? What I love about him. So many great things. All of his policies, his attitude, his hair, his cool planes, his kids, his bestselling books, each of them is a masterpiece. What have you ever done?

Yeah, he's got a rescue. That's a German shepherd that goose steps. Yeah, I've been away from him. Oh, Sean, come on, that's too easy. Yeah. What do you like about that? What do you like about that? I like gunned my head when I love that drum.

Trump will make that possible. That's true, yeah. He wants nationwide reciprocal carry, concealed carry. What a nightmare. What do I love about Trump? As a woman, do you like that he's keeping you safe from Islam? How's he doing that?

By putting a temporary ban on Muslim immigrants? Does that float your boat at all? No, I didn't float my boat at all. No? No. Oh. I thought for sure I didn't float my boat at all. No. No. Oh. I thought for sure I would have had you there. Yeah.

No. No, you definitely don't have me there. Oh, shit. I liked when he ate that taco bowl. That was a great picture. I can't. Well, here's my. I didn't see it.

You didn't see that picture? No, the entire thing. So Trump goes on Sinko to Mayo. Trump takes, this is his plan, right? He takes a picture of himself sitting at his desk with a taco bowl and like, you know, me, like a taco shell bowl, you know what that is, with like a salad and like a salad. Or like a tostada. Yeah, a toastada.

And he says, what does he say? You want a great toastada bowl or a great taco bowl, Trump tower grill makes the best one. I love his spanics. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And the internet lost its mind. It's the greatest. So Hillary Clinton does a tweet all in Spanish. Who else could have invented the Toastata? God, you gotta love hispanic. They didn't invent it at all. And there's no Hispanics.

Like it's not even a thing. Well, it's used to denote people from, what's a hispanola. It's the part in Spain, right? Oh, really? Yes, and then when you say Latino, that's Latin America. I didn't know that.

Yeah, it's people, is this a classic? Did you take a Latin American studies class or something? Why do you know this? I know that thing. Hispanics used to be tied to Spain. Spain, yeah.

Is it like the Ibarian Peninsula? Something I don't know. I'm making half this shit up, but I know there's some, there's some kernel of truth in there. Well, I know that Latino is more correct to say if you're trying to encompass like multiple cultures or like multiple parts of South or Central America.

Yeah, that's right. However, this is so indicative of like society these days that the two widest people, I know I'm half Mexican. I don't know any of this shit and don't care about any of this shit. And you guys know it like from memory. This is how you refer to this group. This is how you refer to this. Like this is what we're learning.

It's because we are not allowed to offend anybody. I know, but this is what we're learning. Like this is what you've been trained to think this. Not to, I mean, I'm not saying that it took a tremendous amount of brain power, but it took something. Like it took something for you guys to both know these fucking facts. Yeah, so Clinton, the ultimate like pandering move, all in Spanish, the whole tweet in Spanish.

I don't even know what it said. Said something about like Bill Bridges, not walls, embrace each other, culture is blah, blah, blah. 400 retweets or something like that. Trump tweets a picture of himself eating a taco bowl, 100,000 retweets, 400, 500,000 on Twitter. Like it's, it's, it breaks the internet. It's his top tweet, right?

It's his top tweet. Before that, his top tweet was, I think if we had a Trump game show, I think I could beat anyone else. Oh, and Trump trivia. Trump trivia. Trump for an events. Like if you had like a Jeopardy style, but it was all Trump, I do think it, uh, cause me and my life coach spend all day texting each other in Twitter and I am in each other.

Trump news, like little girls, like giggling. Oh, like, it's like we're, it's like we're teenage girls talking about the star quarter back of the sports of our high school sports team. And I didn't realize it was that pathetic until I just set it out loud right now. But yeah, that was his tweet before that, his biggest tweet before that was, I've never seen a skinny person drinking a diet coke in like 2012, but like 22,000 re-tweets or something like that, like the dumbest statement. This is a billionaire and this is what he thinks about, Like, I've never seen someone skinny drinking a diet coke.

I think that's what, maybe that's what I would have to choose to love about Trump. Is that his tweets like that? Well, the talkable one was like... Provocative tweets. Well, I don't know if the diet coke, but it's provocative. So much it is just like a bumbling statement about nothing. That's the same, that's what it means. That's what provocative means. I can go put his provocative. So much it is just like a bumbling statement about nothing. That's the same, that's what it means.

That's what provocative means. I guess, but that seemed to resonate with me. It's like a stupid observation he had. I was like, no, tweet this, and everyone went nuts. We're nuts. And they're all tripping over this themselves, trying to question the meaning of this. It's just some fucking guy tweeting a picture of his lunch.

Like, it happens every day. Yeah. OK, pretty good answer. OK, thank you. Pretty good answer. Do you have a dick tip for the fans? Oh, like a general life tip. Gener, you know, general, general or specific.

It can be very specific. OK, you know what? You know what? It's a dick tip I've been thinking about lately. OK, good. Is always bring your own water anywhere you go. Is that a good one or no? That's, tell me more.

Why have you been thinking about it lately? That's my first question. Okay, here's why. It's because I think there's some places where you automatically do it. Maybe if you're going to like, I don't know, like if you're like in college, like you bring a bottle of water

to go to like a long class, whatever, but I have started bringing it, although I did not do it tonight, it's because I know you have good water here. I have no, I have great water. I have the best water. I know, I know. Water's very important to me. I lived here during the earthquake.

Oh right. And when you couldn't drink the water for like two weeks. Right, oh is that why you have a thingy? My arrowhead, dispenser, yeah, because was, well, it's a couple reasons. After the earthquake, you couldn't drink the water. So my parents got the arrowhead bottle. So I'm just, I'm just used to it. When I moved out, I got the arrowhead water as well.

But these solutions that people have for water, like the brittalfilter and the little, the tap faucet, they're all some degree of fucked. Like they, like they're just fake or what? They just don't work as well. Like if you got the Britifilter thing, you gotta wait. You gotta wait.

Like if I wake up at five in the morning, you know when you start dating, you know when you're day drinking, and you pass, everybody knows this, right? You know you're day drinking at a Monday. You wake up after God and you don't know what God damn day it is. Yes, because they open the subway to Santa Monica

and you're like, hey, fuck it Monday. I'm gonna go get shit faced in Santa Monica and see what my life coach is doing. Oh, great. And you do that and you take an Uber home at like, you think you're gonna get down there for cheap because it's like two bucks or a ride. And you're like, I'm not gonna sit on the fucking subway

and ride home, I'm just gonna Uber back. And then you wake up, then you blacked out in the Uber. Uh huh. And you wake up and it're like, I'm not gonna sit on the fucking subway and ride home, just gonna Uber back. And then you wake up, then you black out in the Uber. And you wake up and it's like, I don't know, two in the morning. And you say, if there, you think to yourself, I need water, I need cold water right now, more than I've ever needed anything in my life. That's where the Britta fails you.

Yeah, that's fair. Because that's past you. Past you will always fuck you. Yeah. Past you will always fuck you and you will always fuck future you. Like, how many times have I been without ice in my freezer because I'm living in the fifties in my apartment

and I don't have a nice making machine? I'm here. Yeah, I always skunked by Always skunked by past me. And I'm like, that motherfucker, I'm gonna, if I could fuck him, if I could possibly fuck him, I would build a time machine and go back and punch that smug prick right in his face

for not filling up these ice trays. Because it's the easiest thing in the world. So instead, I'm gonna get revenge on future me. I'm gonna really, I'm gonna, I'm actually gonna spill coffee in these ice trays. So that they can't even be filled up, so that they have to be washed. And the cycle goes on forever. And the cycle goes on forever.

Well, you're making my point for me, because I, so I know from history that you, from being at your house before, that you have a good water supply. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Hey, if I had a man complimented for good water supply. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Hey, if I were a man complimented her as water supply. Okay.

By the way, that's how it thank you to me sounds if anyone's listening. Yeah. Well, here's why, because if you go to someone's house for the first time, you cannot be sure they are going to have a good water situation. So in LA, I know the tap water here is safe to drink, but I don't always want to drink it,

because most of the time, it's lukewarm at best. And it's not refreshing. So if I'm, especially if I'm coming in thirsty, or if I'm gonna be at someone's house, like if we're gonna watch a movie, I know I'm gonna need a drink, a lot of water. I drink a lot of water, I prefer sparkling water. I extra don't trust people to have sparkling water,

but I don't even trust them to have, like, refreshing water that I want to drink. You're great on the water situation because you've got that water in fuser. I have a soda stream, thank you. Yeah, and that's a treat. Thank you. When I went over to your place a while ago,

and you're like, oh, do you want some sparkling water? It's like, what the hell is this? What are we at? Fancy hotel? Those are great. What are you, Pills of Green? No, like did you just get kicked out of, did you steal this from a wedding? I would, but I didn't.

No, that's, that's Otis dream. Man, that's a, it kicks it up, right? Okay, that's, that's your dick tip. It's just, it's, it's, it's, it's, because that's fancy as fuck. That's true. Anybody comes into your house, you bust out sparkling water, everything else your dick tip. It's because that's fancy as fuck. That's true. Anybody comes into your house, you bust out sparkling water,

everything else in your house looks fancy. You could fill it up with toilet water, make it sparkling and shine them, toilet water. Maybe that's a good one. I also do, I combine these two tips. I make my own sparkling water with my soda stream and I bring my own sparkling water everywhere. Cause I always want it and I know not everyone has it.

So I'm just bringing it everywhere. That's a great dick tip. Thank you. We'll see what everyone thinks. Okay. I hope they vote for you. But you got a lot. It's just me so far.

Look, so yes, it's just you so far. I'm running on a pose. I hope I win. I got to interview you know, pretty much everyone on earth. Well, okay, when's the final tally? Probably in two years when this show gets canceled. Oh, okay. I hope I'm ceremoniously and suddenly.

Yeah, I know. Stereo's is in the running. I'm sure Tim Chang's in the room. Well, Stereo's is divisive though. Oh, that's right. Interesting. Speaking of taking your own water everywhere. Yeah.

I got somewhere where you should definitely take your own water. Okay. Although I don't even recommend going. Okay. Of course I'm talking about Mexico. I went to Mexico a couple of weekends. Okay. Oh yeah.

Girl asked me to go down there. Beautiful girl. Okay. Like an 80s bikini model. Is this some woman of the street? No, no, no, don't worry about it. Yes. Is that like, yeah.

It kind of sounds like some woman just came up to you and said, do you want to go to Mexico? She's cruising by in her convertible. Oh, down on the bouvard. In her pink convertible. Yeah, and she's like, hey you, you want to go to Mexico? Yeah. Of course.

Oh, God. We're talking about eight eighties The eighties had a different level of beautiful. Sure, you know So this was now where this was back in the eight this was she would have been on and during in the eighties She would have been in like a beer ad. Oh sure Not anymore, but like with that really high those really high bathing suits But with that really high, those really high bathing suits, those really ugly, really ugly, really ugly. I don't like those, they like show like your whole like hip. Yes, those were perfect.

No, they weren't. That was the perfect standard of beauty which we should have never changed it. That was what a bathing suit suit should always look like. They kind of looked like the ones in the aerobics video. Yeah, the new girl. Exactly, I hate those. Now, what the hell does anything look like anymore?

Like, what is the new bathing suit that low rider shit? Yeah. That you look like a little, like you look like a 13 year old boy. And I don't think call them boy shorts. You see what you want to see. Oh, get the hell out of here, Sean. So this girl invites me down to Mexico. I'm like, all right.

She says it's going to be great time. It's going to be 90 degrees. So we're going to be all weekend on the beach, right? Bring your,'s gonna be great time. It's gonna be 90 degrees, so we're gonna be all weekend on the beach, right? Bring your, bring your shortest shorts possible. She knows I hate long shorts. So we get, get in the car. We're going down there and she throws out this one.

Oh, I hope you got my text. Like what text you talk about? She's the weather. I was looking at the wrong town. It is actually gonna be sub-70s. Oh. Oh, down. I'm like, well, that's perfect,

because I brought only, because I brought about a square yard, a fabric for shorts. Like, I brought shorts that, I brought shorts where you can almost see my balls in all of them. So you're shorts. So my shorts, yeah, wonderful.

And I got the jeans I'm wearing. Sure. Great, so this is good for the way. This is a good start to the trip. So we're going down there. And of course, some people love caravans, right? You know, are you a caravan fan? I'm not a caravan fan.

When you're going on a trip, I do not like the caravan. I hate that. I hate that too. What is the caravan? The caravan follows everybody. Oh, yeah, I hate that. Yeah, the caravan is, hey, we're gonna get there at 11 and then here's the plan.

We're gonna park there. We're gonna call you and tell you, you're gonna wait about 10 minutes and come out looking like either you just showered or you just got railed, right? And then we're gonna stand in the driveway and look at your house for another 20 minutes while something happens before we leave again.

That's the caravan, right? That's a standard caravan operating procedure. You always have to worry about ditching people, four cars back, and it just everybody worry about themselves. Everybody's a big boy and a big girl. Everybody can get there. Well, it's funny you say that because we're following the car in front of us into Mexico

because they know where we're going and when we do a little bit, right? We don't know exactly where we're following the car in front of us in to Mexico because they know where we're going and when we do a little bit, right? We don't know exactly where we're going, but we're going into Mexico. She's been there before. So we're like, well, we're gonna follow these people just to play it safe. They're friends of yours?

Yeah, yeah, first. So we get into the line to get into Mexico and instantly vanished. These people are gone like the wind, right? Like they're like they're like they never existed at all. Where's the and that's the that's the last place you want to be is immediately across the border in Mexico where your lead car is gone. But you have your phone.

Funnily enough, no you don't. Because everything everything shuts off in Mexico. Oh, right. It's Because everything shuts off in Mexico. Oh, right. It's fucking, everything shuts off in Mexico. It's all roaming. Right. And you can't make any call, unless you're ready to, unless you're ready to blow either tons of money on a call, if you get this signal, like you see, you see cell carriers in the top left, as soon as you new, you've never imagined before,

or never heard of before, right? So we're in Mexico now in Tijuana, just driving around. And I don't, this whole Mexico trip has really blown my, has really given me an epiphany on Mexico. Today, when this episode comes out, it's gonna be vote day. So, just keep this in mind when you're at the polls, or if you haven't gone yet, keep this in mind,

we're going, I really had an epiphany about Mexico, so it's been there. We're driving around to you, and nothing in Mexico is built correctly. Oh, no. No, no, absolutely not. Nothing. I thought you meant like, oh no, like you just You were like just like I just bought property in Mexico and my house is gonna fall down. Oh no. No

No, no, no, no, no, it's the ultimate slip shot style of building. No Sean. You're absolutely right now Everything is slip shot and I I mean I spent I spent, I spent the rest of the trip when, like you walk in, here's a, here's a common occurrence in Mexico. You walk into a bathroom and everything seems right on the surface, right? Like they've got, they've got the area where you pee. Like they know, they've heard of a urinal before. They've heard of a urinal, but when you step up to the plate, you've got, instead of a trough,

where you would normally step up to, you step up and something seems very wrong, because what they've done is taken a one foot square tile and laid a row of them down in front of you. So you've got before the trough. Do you see what I'm saying? Yes. Instead of a tiny lip, the tiniest lip, like just the amount of lip for you to contain, to contain the urine, right? They've got, they've essentially made a countertop

for you to pee. You have to evil, can evil it over the tile. You really have to give it a shove from like deep down in your body to clear this tile work. And you're looking at it and the whole time, I'm wondering, who the fuck who signed off on this? Like, who is there building it? Put this together and then look at it and said, perfect. Yeah. That's exactly what a, that's exactly what a urinal should be. Have you encountered this in the States anywhere?

Am I crazy or have, I feel like someone has told me about this problem before I don't know who it was. No, none of this, like all of Mexico, everything is built in a way like they have never, like they have no, someone should send them a crate of time life books. Like this is how you build anything because everything there is built, like some guys just thinking it up for the first time.

And I don't know why that is. There's architecture that you see and inside the buildings where you just stare at and go, I know they just invented this on the fly. There is no way they saw this anywhere before in their lives ever. And that starts with the urinals. It started because really, that's what you should get right, no matter where you are in the world.

They probably just had excess tile and how to use it. But like, is there no trough maker there for the urinals in Mexico? Is there no porcelain company? I mean, what? Were they all like this? Or were a lot of them like this? They're all various degrees of sugar. Every single thing there is built differently.

Interesting. That's what it's a nation of exposed rebar. Like, that's what it's like everybody did. Everybody winged it on their own, and they all went 90% of the way there. And at no point did anybody look at what they did and say, you know, do you think we should take like an angle grinder?

So this exposed rebar? It's like the difference between like Disneyland and Magic Mountain, where Disneyland, their whole thing is everything spotless. If a kid shits on the ground or pukes, somebody is there within two minutes cleaning it up, and Magic Mountain, owned by Warner Brothers, is like, eh, good enough.

Ha ha ha ha. Sean, it's the difference between Disneyland and a child's drawing of Disneyland. Okay. If the Blueprints for Disneyland were what a kid saw and remembered, and then drew on a piece of paper, and then a 3D printing machine built it off of that.

Because a human would look at it and go, this isn't right. Like this, I shouldn't have to piss over a foot of expose of grout. Like there's grouting here. This is, this is not sanitary. That's very kind of thing. None of this is sanitary.

That was the start of Mexico, too, by the way. We went downhill from there, huh? No, it did go downhill from there because the people, the people that we were there with were great. They were great, but one of the shit salesmen guys walking around like the solicitors. Oh, oh, oh. No, I was like, what?

Yeah, the selling garbage. Come on. Yeah. Yeah, it comes up to our table and goes, hey, I got some bracelets for sale. Here you go. And of course, down one side, fuck Trump, fuck Trump, fuck Trump, fuck Trump. And everybody's like, oh, great, fuck Trump, fuck Trump.

Yeah, right. So when our group says, hey, they make custom ones too. You guys get whatever you want. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm getting, can I get Trump 2016 then? Yeah. Right? Nothing wrong with that, right?

Oh my God, this is the, do you support Trump? Yeah. What's, like the question itself is an insult anymore. Yeah. You know, like you can't, you're not even allowed, you're not even allowed to have the opinion. I can't tell you how many people have asked me, does he really support Trump? Because I can't tell if it's a bit or not. Yeah, that's all I get, it's all I get.

And like, it's like seeing a ghost. Yeah, it's like it's shocking. I mean, I was listening to, I was listening to another podcast, very briefly, International Waters. And they spent the first, they spent the first couple minutes just shitting on Trump fans. Like, it's the most normal thing in the world. Like, they're like, oh, but if this was a Trump fans, they would probably eat the keyboard.

They're so stupid, they can't, they don't even know how to type. That's how fucking stupid Trump fans are. Like, nothing, you could say, you know what? You know what, everybody? You wanna go down and see what America is gonna be more like without him and his wall? It's gonna be exposed rebar, and it's gonna be toilets

that you have to launch your piss across, like evil, can evil. It's gonna be a countertop that you have to piss across. Is that because I, honestly, the whole, there was a chimney in this house we stayed at. It was this little, little weird hippie commune, or this little commune where it's a bunch of trailers that have, that are built out, right?

Any little commune like that's gonna be a little weird, right? Because everybody, everybody who lives there has made a lot of decisions in their life that are a little odd, that have led them there. And everybody else in there has made decisions that have led them there. So you're talking about a lot of the same decisions that have skewed one way. But what wasn't weird about it, but was very idiosyncratic of Mexico, was that everything was built as a one-off. Like, they're chimney. For God's sakes, they're chimney.

One side was a normal chimney, and then the other side, the pillar, you imagine a fireplace, right? Excuse me, not the chimney, the fireplace. It's two pillars down on each side, and then a top pillar and a bottom pillar, right? You could draw it if you had to do it. They had the pillar on the left, and the pillar on the right was just

rotated by 90 degrees, sticking straight out into the room. Like, what is, what the hell is this? Was it all made from the same material? Tile? So it looked like it was built at the same time though, because I'm saying like, what if, yes! Oh, yeah. You know what I'm going, right?

Yes, it was not an add-on. Okay. It was built all at the same time, just straight I'm saying like, what if, yes. You know, I'm going, right? Yes, it was not an add-on. Okay. It was built all at the same time, just straight line of tile going, and then on this one, it's like, yeah, let's make it cock-eyed. So it was a choice. It was a choice. And I can't, I can't get over the mentality of looking at that and saying, great job. And this is not, I don't think this is a poverty thing.

Like because this is all the people in this community, they don't think this is a poverty thing. Like, cause this is all the people in this community. They don't have a problem with, you know. They're pouring decks, right? They're pouring decks out of cement and the corners aren't even rounded off. It's like somebody's gonna lose their fucking toe on this thing. This deck is gonna be here for 10,000 years.

You couldn't, you didn't wanna round it out a little bit. Or you mean like the step up. Yeah. The step up, the border, any of it, like the shape of it, any of it. Yeah, well, I don't have an explanation for that. There is none. Okay. There is none.

Nothing is flush. Nothing about the whole, like every piece of tile hangs out by an inch. By from zero to an inch, right? Nobody, it's just sticking out there, like, it's extra, it's extra table space. What do you want? What do you need? So weird.

I wish I could, I have almost no experience in Mexico, but I believe you. Oh yeah, well, I mean, don't, you don't need any. Don't worry, Trump will tell you all about it. Okay. Hey, is that, is it, is it any worse? Look, this is what I'm saying, is way more convincing than anything Trump has said.

This is not about crime. It's not about, it's not about, you know, the complex math of like social economics and welfare and all that. It's about piss, poor, tile work. It's just a, yeah, really is. It really is. I mean, you've got, there was one,

there was one bathroom where the bathroom, the toilet is the sit down toilet is looking out across a patio and into a restaurant at like a resort. Oh my God. And the only doors are slats. What the hell? That's what I said.

So I'm sitting here, there's 60 year old golfers, fat as hell, who are loading up on chorizo in the morning, going out drinking an 18 pack on the course, and then coming back and they're staring right into this restaurant. It's very gross. It's very gross. It's like when you're driving along the 1D

from San Diego into Tijuana, you're driving right along the border, right? You're driving right along the border. It looks like a before and after of a trade school. Like, well, this was our practice area, which is all ramshackle, all piled up, piled up, nowhere, rebar sticking out everywhere. And this, right across the fence,

is just everything is built correctly. So I did look at, I did look at like where the hell this comes from. Yeah. And I found that the earthquake in Mexico in 1985. In Mexico City? Mexico City. Big, big earthquake killed tens of thousands of people. It was because, part of the reason everything fell down is because of the government's

corruption and the poor enforcement of building codes. Yeah. So you've got, yeah, you've got a whole, it's a whole nation where nobody is checking, nobody is double checking these building codes. But are they now? I mean, I didn't seem like it, but did they put anything in place after that to be like, hey, this shouldn't happen again? Not from what I could tell.

Wow. I have no, I mean, you've got, you've got highways where to pull off for your exit is just dirt. It's still just. Like it's just two or three inches down. There's no, no off ramps. If you want to go to the other side of that, there's, if you want to go to the other side of the highway, you just run. You just run and jump over.

If you want to cross and drive the other way, you got to drive down the highway, like three miles, get off, and then drive over an overpass-type tunnel that someone has constructed. That's really scary. It's terrifying. Not great. I was sexually assaulted in Mexico as well.

What? By whom? By this? By a burrow. By a no! It's really scary. It's terrifying. Not great. I was sexually assaulted in Mexico as well. What? By whom? By this? By a burrow. No, by a large woman. Wow.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You wouldn't be hearing about it if it was not a large woman. So you know how it's like a hippie commune? You know those instances when everyone's getting a little too horny? Like a commune life. Bachelor at parties. It is commune life.

This very large woman apparently was trying to make out with me in my sleep. What I call sleep, but what a lot of people will call a passed out stupor. Yeah. You only have two states. You come to and pass out. You don't wake up and sleep. Are you saying the general you or you, me? You or I, you, me.

Yes, you dick masters. Yes, I have two states. Yeah, I'm either awake or stuporously incapacitated. And as, thank God. So this is my story of how proud I am of myself. So as I told you, I'm in Mexico with this girl. She's out, she's out having a good time. I'm in Mexico looking at how poorly constructed everything is.

And having the cure all. It's driving you to drink. It's driving me, I swear to God it's driving me to drink. And then everything looks straight after like a case of beer. You know? I'm not that bad a job. I wish it was a case of beer. If it was a case of beer, I would've been fine.

But all these things are compounding together. Like all the urine asshole, cause you support Trump stuff, all the things that are misaligned. Like you should, all these decks, decks are in, I stepped through a deck. That's how bad the deck work is down there.

Like right through it. Like Indiana Jones in the last crusade. Well, so what are they all worried about? Like, who do you think's gonna build a wall? And it's gonna be shitty so they can just walk on through anyway. Oh no, we're building the wall. With what labor?

Anyway, this woman makes me a drink that is entirely scotch, like a tumbler full of scotch. And I'm so drunk that I think this is a mixed drink. Like this is a scotch, this is a linchburg lemonade. Take a look at it and then like, like, oh yeah, I know. Like, it's, I can't possibly all be scotch, right? But I'm past the point where you can tell, right?

Like I drink it, I'm like, that tastes a little strong, entirely liquor. But your senses are dull too. Like that's happened to me where you are drinking straight liquor, but it doesn't taste exactly like straight liquor. Yeah, it's not my fault. That's what I'm saying. Like I don't have the, I'm past the point of where with all

where I should be accountable for knowing that this is entirely liquor. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yes. Yes, is the answer. I agree with that.

That's good co-hosts material right there. That's big points. Big points. So obviously I black out, but this story is told to me later. That the 80s girl, the high 80s girl comes in later to check on me, and there's this woman hovering over me very closely, like comforting maybe,

but then starts moving in for a little more. Oh, that's totally not okay. Right? No, that's totally an insult. Right? No, that's totally, that's what, that's totally an assault. Well, you know, I don't wanna make that claim. Because I'm a, Yeah, but I'm like, you know, and I, a lot of booze was being consumed.

Yeah, exactly, yeah, exactly. You were too drunk to a consent. That's what I'm saying. Well, she was probably pretty shit face too. Yeah, but still, she's the one make, I mean, look. Look, I don't like it either, Aleira. That's what I'm saying, but I'm not gonna, you know, I'm not gonna,

I'm not gonna throw the assault term around. All right, that's fine. That's all right. It's, it's, it's, well, it's, We can both agree. We can both agree that it's not right. So, so this is the retelling is that I reach up in my drunken stupor and grab her face like a bowling ball

out of nowhere. Like, I'm comatose and it's like, like, I think that, like, that Sam Beckett quantum leaped into me at this moment and grabbed her head like a football, like a, like a bowling ball and just pushed it away. She gave her the old three stooages. Yeah, right in the eyes. And I was like, and the next morning, I was like, I told you, I'm drunken me, totally safe all the time. Like always get home, always get home, no matter what, how complicated it is to get home, no matter who I've got to fend off.

You do always get home. That's true. Always get home safe. You do always get home safe. It seems like a miracle, but you do. Yes, it's like a secret training kicks in that I can fend all attackers, and even seductresses, off of me at any moment,

when I'm after I've consumed my spinach of an entire tumbler of scotch. He's like fucking Christ. He's like Robert DuVal in Apocalypse Now. What does Martin Sheen say? He says, you knew he wouldn't get so much as a scratch here. Bones are blowing up all over and he just stands out there and has his coffee.

Yeah, you know, it's just invincible. Whoa. The liquor will protect you. That's good. That's my, that's my, that's my, Dictif. You should get a liquor, big liquor to sponsor this podcast. The liquor lobby.

That was, that would be my dream. But until then, there are a shitload of people on Patreon who have thrown in a dollar, $5, $2 to support this podcast. People like Lisa, Lisa Lydamon, happy to contribute. Can't get enough of the D. Ooh, it's a, yeah, pretty cool, right, Patreon. Thomas Yoder, I've been called a dickhead all my life. This makes it official. Eduardo Rodriguez, I've been called a dickhead all my life. This makes it official.

Eduardo Rodriguez, finally I can get more dick weekly. Hope Tim Changs is part of this project. He's funny, he's funny, he's funny, so. Christopher Darnel, just when I thought I could only get so erect, surprise Christopher, prepared to get more erect. Gary Collins, thank you again. I hope this new podcast will be even greater. This one's the best one. Blood fart the quefer. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I hope you start your own podcast or something so me and my

girlfriend can get our dick fix. It's been overwhelming. I can't thank you guys enough. And Allegra, thank you for being on the first episode of being the first applicant. Oh, thank you for having me. I hope I win. Right. This, because there is winning on this show. Tell me in two years when you tally up the votes. If I won. Well, no, I'll just go dark for a week. There won't be any telling of any. Oh, thank you. And of course, thanks, Sean. A little wrap with it. Guys, See you next week for more bullshit Okay, I do actually have a voicemail an old favorite from the old show called in he saw the the post earlier He called into wish me wish me good luck. Oh, you there dick. This be bono. So you got your own show now, do you? It's bono.

You're finally free of that more spattered. I love bono. It looks like it's just you, bono, and Apple computers from here on out. Yeah, it is. Hey, did you hear about all that monkey business at the Cincinnati Zoo? Talk about bananas.

Anyway. I'm not sure what you got. It's just humor. There'll be a listening. Here's Wishing Year Rainbow. Bono's gone. This is a guy that wrote all the bottles. One, two.

I don't know what he said. Bono's out. Bono's done. Maybe he did. Bono's done. You have the Bono calling into wish you good luck. Yeah, isn't that cool? It's very cool, very big of him. How does he find the time?

What, how does he find the time? What the hell does he do? Doesn't do shit, he's a rock star. That's much of stuff. He just sits around, a people do that. He just takes credit. That's true. He called in right after his bike accident.

The four? No, right after. Right after, yeah. The other show. That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. Can you believe you're such a laid back guy for writing all that being such a huge rock star?

Where does he find time to write those jokes? He didn't find very much time. But he still found some, and that's what matters. That's what matters.