The Dick Show - Episode 102 - Dick on Birthday Overhead

Episode Date: May 13, 2018

Donating your kid's birthday presents to charity overhead, the importance of a sharable thermometer, why some straight men are obsessed with gay rights, Aydin Paladin on why women love talking in a way that resembles a joke (but isn't) about their gross bodies, Mumkey Jones' book "Diary of a Supreme Gentlemen" is banned, firing your dad, my grey pubes and nude performances, Clay Early rats on a chick who pooped in his bed and gives a shout out to my mom for Mother's Day, and Sean's obvious solution for peace in The Middle East; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Yeah, Brooklyn 99. What's that about? It's just a hilarious, sort of cop show. A reverent cop show with Andy Sam's Berg. That guy? Yeah, that's right. And Terry Cruz, who, Terry Cruz, you know,

the guy who got the victim of what, penis grabber. Yeah. That's like, shut the fuck up, Terry. Yeah, dude, don't tell it like that. All right, out the guy. I know. But don't get all weepy about it.

You fucking muscle dummy idiot. Terry. Terry, at two, Terry, you're a woman. You identify as a woman now, Terry Cruz. I buy deodorant from a guy who's crying about his penis getting touched. Oh, no. Does your penis have sexual market value? Yeah. Is that because that's why that's why it's not okay when it happens to women. That's why because it's theft. No one's paying you to touch your stupid dong you idiot.

It's not theft for you. It's not, it's not a fucking theft. Blow it out your ass. Yeah, he was, he was pretty weepy about it. Oh, I was like, ah. Now I understand, you don't understand. No, right. No one would pay you to fuck you.

No one would pay you to get inside of your penis. So weepy Yeah, the yeah, yeah, I remember reading that story in the quotes and I was like, oh, come on Terry break Right, yeah, yeah, it's like We're supposed to look at that and think exactly the same thing of what as if it were to happen to a woman Oh right, right, right, it's not the same thing. Of what? As if it were to happen to a woman. Oh, right, right. Right, right. It's not the same thing.

It's just not, and stop, just everybody stop pretending we're fucking retarded. Come on. It's not the same at all. Or maybe we are. No, we definitely are. Yeah, I don't know. Like, I really hope that Terry Cruz told his buddies that after the cameras were off, just

like that. Yeah. Yeah. But he went down to a ball, or maybe he doesn't even have friends anymore, you know? I don't know. Like that's LA. Yeah. You're this tall.

He's played football, right? He did for a short time. Yeah. You're playing football. You're playing grab ass. You're walking around with dogs, dogs flying through the air in the locker room. Yeah. Playing slap, playing slap dick. Mm. Even in baseball, you played slap dick.

I know they were playing slap dick in football. Mm. But then, yeah, then he gets separated from that. He gets pulled into the LA scene. And all of a sudden, he's crying about penis crap. Because it's a gay guy who did it. Oh, then he's right. I stand corrected.

Yeah, I think it's a, yeah. Isn't that homophobic a little bit like implying that, like assuming that the gay guys going for sexual gratification and not just slap dickery, like common slap dickery? Yeah, that's just good homophobic. Sure, there are gay athletes who have come out after the fact, and sometimes even during, and they probably played Slap-dick, and it probably had nothing to do with sexual arousal.

It was probably just a good old-fashioned game of slap-dick. Yeah, speaking as a slap-dicker, like I put my slap-dickery above my sexual orientation to be very honest. Sure. Like I put my slap degree above my sexual orientation to be very honest. Sure. If I had to rank my sexual orientation, it would be hot, hot jokes. Above getting laid.

Above sexual orientation. I believe you, by the way, because I know your history and I know how much you fucked around on that baseball team. Exactly. All right. Let's start the show.

Oh. Uh. Is that thing? Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Ready. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Ah You want dig you need dig you love dick you got it. It's the show where everything is a contest coming to you live From a concrete bunker deep in the side of a mountain in the heart of the city of failure I'm your host dick masters and a K.A. the $20 million man with me is always a Sean the audio engineer. Hello, Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? We got big news today. Yeah.

Road rage, Dallas. Ah. Dick does Dallas. Confirmed. Confirmed. The 30th. Ah, 30th. God, why don't I write these things down?

It's always, we work so hard to try to set up the dates that I figure, oh, there's no way I could forget what this date is. I've been saying it a million times. We've been going back and forth, but the second I get up to that point where I got to say it, I'm like, oh, I think it was the 30th, right? And then it kind of crawls out of my mouth. Well, you know, it's the 30th.

Which is good because it gives people time to win or tickets going on. Tickets should know, it's the third year. Which is good, because it gives people time to win or tickets going on. Tickets should be, tickets are out right now. Cool. I'm gonna throw tickets up right now. This, we're recording this very early because I'm going to Israel. Yep.

To convert, to, yeah, convert. I'm gonna have both sides pitch me or the pros and cons. Oh, you just, you haven't decided. I haven't decided. You are converting to, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go either. Judaism or Islam. Yep, one of them. I'm gonna, I'm gonna. Oh, you just, you haven't decided. Who haven't decided? You are converting to, I'm gonna, it's just, I'm gonna go either. Judaism or Islam.

Yep, one of them. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell them, you know, pros and cons. How much islam's a pros? Treat women like crap. Okay. I like that. Judaism run all the global, cause all the wars

in the, run the global banking. Okay. You should start in all sex religion and call it jislam. Ha ha ha. Jislam. My work here's done. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I'm going to bring them together. Okay. I'm going to bring them together under gizlam.

Many, many sheets. Guys, we just got to get this thing together. We're going to Terry Cruz each other. We're all going to play some penis slappery. We're going to work this out. Palestine, the Holy Land, who cares man? The Holy Land is right here. I got a guy, I got a strip for you.

It's not the Gaza strip, but you're gonna like it. Yeah, you're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it over here in these sheets. Speaking of Judaism. It's all unwind these turbines and have some fun. Yeah, sure. They don't wear turbines. No, they don't, they, but you could imagine. Right. Yeah, sure. They don't wear turbines. No, they don't.

But you could imagine if they did. What do they wear? I mean, they wear, they wear Yamakas. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no of them, but no, they do have like the wrapped headdresses, like you know, sometimes they're out in the desert and stuff. Oh, you like the sheeks, like the iron sheek you're talking about. Oh yeah, well those are kind of the drapes. Yeah, they got a rope that rope, they've got a giant handkerchief, like a big, yeah, that's right.

A shafika, I think it is. Really? Yeah, a shafika, I think. Okay. That might not be true. And then there's a rope of some kind. I just bought it on Amazon. This was one of my late night drunken Amazon ad on.

You have one of those? Yeah. Oh, you're gonna get shot. Don't wear that. That's why I wanted to make such a good yeah. Somebody that rowdy in Israel looks shot. It's like that. I got, I got that.

I got one of those ropes to wear. I got hundreds of America bandanas and sunglasses to give out. I got an America Speedo G-string that I could wear. Well, it's been a really fun 102 episodes. That's it. This is gonna come back to you. If I don't return, if I get midnight expressed out there,

this is the plan. I'm gonna write this in a secret document so you can read it in case something happens to me. But I'm also gonna tell you because I'm probably not gonna write it down because I forgot how to write it. I'm gonna remember. So this is, it's gonna be play a clip show,

play two episodes of clip shows. Oh no. And then you just do a last episode with a stereo. And don't mention you at all. Oh, and Jimmy, don't even call it, just say, hey, welcome to the show. Yeah. You know, now I'm going to try to get killed.

Oh no. Over there. I'm going to go, I'm going to walk into Israel and say, you know what, I'm going to Abu Dhabi after this, stamp the shit out of my passport. Yeah, stamp it out, because you're not supposed to, you're not supposed to. What do you mean?

Like, you're not, I don't know, you're not supposed to travel between those places, I don't think. Even my flight, there's no direct flights from the United Arab Emirates to Israel and vice versa. Yeah, well, they go through other countries, but I mean, I mean, people obviously do, right? Well, look, it's like one of those,

it's like Cuba in the US, I think. It's like a, don't let us know you go there. Yeah. Don't rub it in our faces. Don't get on your podcast and make jokes about it, or there will be big problems, right? So my man who I'm meeting in Israel for the Israel Burning Man, he even said,

when you go through just ask the Israel people not to stamp your passport. Oh, oh, so that they don't, I see. So that they don't see. They don't look at the whole town. Oh yeah, dude, this is speaking of, speaking of, that's a real thing, man, those speaking of all be damned.

I'm talking to my man about going to Israel a couple months months ago. And he's telling me this, and then he says, you know, but some of the people are saying, some of the people are saying that the best thing to do is to just get on a bus in Abu Dhabi and take the bus all the way to Israel. That it's faster than flying. And I said, let me stop you right there.

Let me give you some dad wisdom here. Okay. Those people are idiots. Okay. Okay. You don't have to always, you don't always reinvent anything. Well, every third bus is loaded with explosives anyway. If it's going there. Yeah. Yeah. So, I'm landing in Israel on the 11th. And're doing a dick show meetup on the 13th. There's a dick show meetup with. Yeah, there's a bunch of, there's a bunch of dickheads in Israel. And there's people like who are coincidentally there. Just there.

Just for work. Pretty cool. Wait, little, little aside, how many, how old is the, is Israel? No, Israeli Burning Man festival? Well, I don't know that. Probably less than 10 years. Less than 10 years. But they've had it before.

This is not like the first or second or second or second voyage. Okay. They've got all the screw ups worked out. They've got it over there. They've got all the kinks worked out. Curious. It's a little different, smaller.

There's only a couple thousand people there. Well, you know, still. Give me fucking fun though. Yeah, right? Yeah. I would think. Yeah. It's weird going from America anywhere else.

Cause you get that feeling like, what are you weirdo's doing here? What are you fun like? What the fuck? What the fuck? You call this a cafe? You fly this? I could break this with my,

I can't even sit in this chair. 8,000 miles to go sit in another desert. Yeah. It's the people, Sean. It's the people. That's what I want. That's what I'm all about. The culture.

The culture. I flown halfway around the world to go sit in another bar. And it was great. Oh, fucking it. And it was great. They don't know our shenanigans. Right over there. Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, what is this? This guy's putting straws together and drinking out of other beers. We've never seen this shit before. He's serenading the whole restaurant singing Elvis. Wow. No, with no shame at all. Yeah. Is that common in America for people to have no shame? No, no, just me. Yeah. I'm the only American with no shame. What was I going to say Oh yeah, so Dallas. Dallas is on sale. June 30th, it's gonna be at a place called The Door.

Get your tickets if you are a Patreon, if you're a Patreon.com slash the Dix show, you get a discount no matter what, even if you're in for a dollar, you get a discount. So really you're crazy if you're paying full price for these tickets and without first kicking in a dollar, $5 probably is better. You get all the bonus content, you get our last episode, bonus episode, 24. People are saying probably the best episode of the whole show.

Are they? Oh yeah. Cool. Because of your a stereo suppression. I did that. I did that last episode too. Yeah, but you did really a lot of a stereo, so impersonated on the bonus episode. Yeah. And we were talking about the intervention. Oh, right.

A stereo, so this intervention. Yeah. That's going to be fun. It is. It's pulling a lot of people out too. Yeah. It's a decent sized place in Dallas. I's pulling a lot of people out too. Yeah. Like, it's a decent sized place in Dallas. I would expect a lot of people would show up. Dude, it is, it's got, like, we've been dicking around with these venues in Austin that's so hip and musicy.

And, you know, they're trying to, like, the last place in Austin before we just gave up on it, wanted to cram us in this weird blue neon room with these like circular couches. I said, no, this is what I, they do commercials for a body spray that I don't buy in places like this where beautiful women are taking, we're two beautiful women are taking up an entire fucking couch cause they're so selfish, you know? We're not doing that. Let's go.

Dallas was instantly bar, food, come on in, offensive content, we love it. Bring your guns. What I always, it's all I really ever wanted out of Texas. It's just an act like Texas. No shit, right? Or what we think of Texas. Maybe we could go to a road here.

Because Texans won't shut the fuck up about it. So I think we know what Texas is. I think so too. Yeah, it'll be great. I'm gonna go Texas all weekend. Giant hat never stopped talking about how big Texas is. Any superlative possible. Well, even you grew stepping into the state.

Yeah, it's gonna be like those we was King's guys who'd make every all history's black history. You see like, well Shakespeare, he was black man. Yes, yeah. It's gonna be like that except Texas, Jesus, Texas. He was basically from Texas. As it turns out, at that, you know, something like that. Yeah.

So I'm excited about that. Check out the head to the website to buy tickets for road rage Dallas. I imagine Peach and I are gonna be doing the mustard drinking thing, man. That's finally gonna happen. Yeah, I think she's gonna get demolished. What is the, how did that even start?

She was bragging about it. She was bragging about drinking mustard. I remember you and Maddox with the hot sauce. I mean, that is something that like two guys would do. You must've been eating from a mustard, you know, chicks. Yeah, with these weird, they like weird stuff. You know, like when you, when you, but she doesn't like real, she likes that yellow

kids shit. Yeah. She doesn't like any like real that mustard. She doesn't like any like brown mustard or, you know, something that you would eat. No. Fucking good German sausage. No, no, no. She likes the kids stuff. Yeah, frinches and it's like cool. I drink a, I'll drink that out for as a refreshment. I don't need a chug it. It's like a nice mustard a nice mustard. You know, anyway, we'll probably do that. I don't know, I don't know who else is gonna be there right now. I hope Mad Cucks and Mysterios are coming. Mad Cucks should be, you know, I mean, it's... Coach is coming.

Oh, yeah. I know Coach is coming. He heard Texas and he was in 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see, okay, we got to do this sort of look on the house there, I think. I got to go get resurcom sized before my Israel trip. Oh, boy. Yeah, I got to get this sort of look at the house there, I think. I got to go get resurcompised before my Israel trip. Oh boy. Yeah, I got to get it trimmed up a little bit. Yeah, I don't want to be walking around

where Jesus walked, having my four skins dangling around. Yeah. Like a slot. Just call like 1-800-3-2-Moyle or something, right? It's an app. It's an app, okay, a Moil. Yeah. Emoil.

What's an Emoil? I'm oil. I'mle? I'm oil. I'm oil? I'm oil. I'm oil. Got it. You can pop it in and they show up to your place. Yep.

They come. You don't even have to get out. It's the best part. No lingering. You dial it in. You can see them coming on the little app. You walk outside. Usually you're wearing like a long shirt, so you don't have to wear underpants or shorts

or anything like that. Yeah, yeah. You can get away with it. You know, you're hanging around at the home. It's no big deal. You like a long shirt, so you don't have to wear underpants or shorts or anything like that. Yeah, yeah. You can get away with it, you know, hang around at the home, so no big deal. You wear that long shirt. Dude, that's a great, that'd be a great shirt. To get circumcised in? No, like dick shirts. So you don't have to wear underpants or shorts

while you're at home. You can just wear an extra long shirt. Like, how, like, say like, we're Rebecca Demorne and that's a fucking movie with Tom Cruise, risking business. So it's like a type of a chick's wearing like a long dress shirt. You don't have to wear anything underneath. Yeah, but for men. Yeah, but for men.

So you can go all the way down. You don't have to deal with, you know, underpants, chafing you, chafing your shit, but you wanna keep your top covered because you're out of, because you're so fat, it's like, I don't wanna look at this. But I wanna, I want the freedom of being nude without the shame.

Okay. So I could just slap on an extra long length tank top. Yeah. That's a good one. All right. And you walk outside, pull it up, boil the liens out of the window, snip, snip, he's gone onto the next one. Doesn't even barely slows down.

Yeah. Very precise. Just like that. So I'm gonna do that. Don't flinch. I don't know, I imagine I get a, I imagine there's a bunch of like Jesus spots in Israel that I gotta check out.

I would. Like here's, this is a place where Jesus like, I don't know, he was getting bullied and he turned him into a, he, Shrew or something. Turned him into a chick or something like that. Yeah. Yeah.

This was the first place that Jesus jerked off. And like, oh, that's cool. Interesting. Cause he was a child. He was a child. It's a teenager. Yeah, they don't cover, they don't cover his teenager as a whole lot.

Well, you know, cause, cause it's, yeah, cause it's, Scott, you know, fuck you up if you did that. Talking about, talking shit about him. Yeah. You know, because it's got, you know, fuck you up if you did that. Talking about, talking shit about them. I imagine that's got to be pretty fun though. All right. Let me see here, what else do I got? What's made me a rage this week?

Oh, you know, I did, I found something that was very interesting. Let me load this up. Okay, you remember how I was shitting on baby boomers? Yeah. A lot. Yeah. Last episode. That continued.

I got more and more pissed off about baby boomers after the show. Oh, you did. So I've been saving it up. Yeah. Yeah. And it was finally like a watershed moment. The dams broke and I actually went in and looked for some data on what they're guilty of. It's pretty damning.

It's like they're the generation that started off with the most, more than any other generation in history and they're leaving things worse off than when they got it, right? Like the amount, the precipitous decline of, the precipitous decline of money, quality of life, savings, like of just the general quality of life of the country over in their hands is, oh, it's no size. Oh, overwhelming. Absolutely no size.

No size. Yeah. The number of, it's no time. Oh, over a well made. Absolutely no. It's died. No, it's died. Yeah. Um, the number of the number of baby boomers, this is what fucked with me with me with me the most 80% of the Senate and Congress are baby boomers are above. Yeah. And I'm I'm thinking what the hell? Like just retire. Yeah. Get out of thinking, what the hell, just retire, get out of the fucking way. Somebody get these people out of here so we can get something done. They have a goddamn right. They have a right to be there, right? They've got to be there for 20 years.

They were the first 10, 20 years. And you know, you talk about like generations is like a marketing term and things like that. But baby boomers really are a generation because it was all of a sudden it exploded as soon as World War II in America. World War II, the end of World War II was when America became a superpower. So now they have this booming economy

and this huge influx of babies all around the same time. So that really is one of those events that is a generation and not some marketing. Okay, here was the most interesting thing that I found though about baby rumors. Because there's a lot of like examples of how they fuck things up, but it didn't really like, you know, maybe I could see how they fuck things up,

but I could see everyone knows how I could see how they, I could see how they find a way to always hire young attractive girls in new positions in every fucking company they work for so they can pretend to have a little harem of daughters that are not theirs. I get all that, but it doesn't, that's all just anecdotal.

Here's where I found that really fucked with me. Get outta here, head block. Okay, I found this article, I got a stats for you. I found this article saying when your brain peaks at doing certain things, right? So you'd think that this is very important on how to get through life.

Like that's why you got to hit your max earning at whatever 30, 30, your middle age. As we know, I am earning years, are supposedly 40 to 50. Right. And then you better start thinking differently because you lose in the mind. You're losing your mind slowly.

Absolutely, right? And physicality obviously, it sucks too. It sucks too. Yeah, it sucks too, because I am acutely aware that I am not as sharp as I used to be. So this is what,

this is what fucked with me about it. Overall brain processing, peaks it around 18. as sharp as I used to be. So this is what fucked with me about it. Overall brain processing, peaks at around 18. Yeah, okay. The ability to learn unfamiliar names, peaks at 22, don't care. 32 peak facial recognition by a lot of these are stupid. Concentration, peaks at 43. Really?

Concentration. Really? Yeah. So if you're not 43 yet, don't worry, Concentration peaks at 43 really concentration really yeah, so If you're not 43 yet Don't don't worry it gets better, right interesting identifying others emotions 48 basic arithmetic 50 New information at 50 and then it starts declining Vocabulary skills peak at 67. Really? Yeah.

So what the fuck benefits from vocabulary skills? Being able to convince people that you know what you're doing when you fucking don't. Yeah, politicians. Exactly. As everything else is carining down into the shitter. So now you've got a verbose moron. Oh, yeah.

Don't listen to this, Sprye, 45-year-old, who's still got another five years of learning new things. Listen to me, I'm a little miss 70-year-old, who can sell you a, who can sell a woman with white gloves, a ketchup popsicle, right? Like, this right like this is

these uh this is the enemy the people who can just talk all fucking day and sound smarter than everybody under them than they ever did before in their life at sixty seven ever at third the same person who's ready to soak in new information all the time running right up until they're fifty years old peaks starts going downhill now that's when they're that's when their ability to bullshit starts that's right as soon as the as soon as the learning new shit starts going to math left a long time ago learning new concepts 50 uh-oh I better gin up the other kickstart the old lying machine I got a good 17 more years to learn about how to spin this.

What I don't know to make it look like I'm running the show, right? Pretty good. It's pretty good, because I wouldn't have even figured that that was testable. Yeah, I'm interested to know the methodology and this stuff more, but I mean. Me too, but it makes sense. I think.

Because those motherfuckers can somehow convince everybody of, well, they know what they're, you know, wisdom comes with age. No, just being able to talk does. All the everything else is straight down. Well, wisdom can, I mean, the difference between like intelligence and wisdom is wisdom comes from experience. How do you know? Who's telling you that?

Well, no, somebody who knows more words than you. That's all it is. No, no, no, but I can compare what I know versus 20 years ago, you know what I mean? I think that's largely bullshit. Experience is something that old men give to all their mistakes. It says Oscar one.

Yeah, that's what I think about it. Well, yeah, but that is experience. Yeah, I can hear from well. think about it. Well, yeah, but that is that is experience. Yeah. I can well, well, it doesn't have to be doesn't have to be doesn't have to be mistakes either. I thought it was funny. Yeah, I thought it was funny that that's those boomers just sitting on a big old vocabulary. Yeah, there's not, you know what? Yeah, that all sounded great. Fuck you. Right? Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Let me see here. What else I got? Oh, I'll tell you what makes me a fucking rage. Um, I saw on Facebook,

somebody's having a birthday party for their kid. Oh boy. And they're asking people that in lieu of presence to donate, Sean, to donate the money. What a poor kid, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this kid is good. I called CPS, this kid donate the money to charity. This kid is getting so fucked. It says, being raised as a,

and I know it's J. W. I know it's not California because it didn't happen in California. Yeah. And I've seen it happen a couple times, but it had, Sean, this is like red dragon level psychosis that they're conditioning this kid with. Yeah. Where the dragon was one of the Hannibal Lectures. Yes, he says that was where the kid was forced to wear a dress, the boy was forced to wear a dress and be treated like a woman. This is much, much worse than this.

You're telling me that you took, you took the presents and you converted them into money and you just gave it, you gave it to a bureaucracy that doesn't even help people. Yeah, well, let's start there. Did you give the money, did you find a poor person and give the money directly to them? No, because that wouldn't fill up this fucking thermometer. Yeah, on the website. You got to watch your ass donating to certain charities.

They're all fucked. Yeah, well, it's fucked. Yeah, how much of what you put in actually gets to the people. Sometimes it's virtually nothing. It's like, I remember red, bono and that. Yeah. Oh my god. Those fucking high theft. Oh yeah. Got to those people. Man, it was a trickle. No, it's like all that, it's like all that pink shit that the NFL sells. It's like 5% ends up in breast cancer, like research, and it's not even the right screenings. Like 5% ends up going to sending the wrong screenings out to impoverished communities. I'll tell

you this, if you're given a charity, it's a lot less gets to the person in need than if you just walk out of your house and hand a hundred bucks to someone who's dead fucking broke, right? But I've got a bunch of guys at Home Depot who are glad to take $100 from you and I fucking promise you that they need it. But you know what I'm saying? Because they have guys like me walking around with extra long shirts because they're not calling it dress, yelling at them for building their stairs improperly on the side of their house and the side of a man, right? Putting their toilets in backwards.

That's what you want to give to fucking cheer. That's what they need. The guys at Home Depot, they need to hold out a little thermometer. Hey, if your kid having a birthday this weekend, just give me a hundred bucks and I'll scribble in a line on this thermometer You stupid yuppie bitch and then you can take a picture of it and put it on your Facebook Because that's what you want to show this fucking thermometer that shows how kind and giving you are but no Some 67 year old convinced you to give it to this fucking organization

Exactly, right? That's exactly what I'm saying. No, this is how fucked every this is how fuck the world is You got a five year old kid that just wants to force to give up his birthday presents Yeah, to people who have a lot more toys than him Yes exactly to adults who have like Who does your son adult can buy a better BMW than the one they already fucking have.

The kid didn't even know that you were supposed to get presents for your birthday. Hey, how about this son? Your birthday is coming up. Instead of presents, we're going to give your money to a bunch of white collar fake bleeding heart overhead. Yeah. We're gonna give your money straight to these white collar fucks that we call... It's a concept called overhead. That's what we're donating your money to instead of presents. And the kid goes, what's a, what I was supposed to get presents. Yeah. I didn't know that because I'm a baby. And this concept is brand new to me that you have, that you idiots have introduced.

Now you're, now you're punishing me for it. Something tells me in like another 10 years, he's going to learn a vocabulary word called emancipation. Yeah, but if you're paying like that, you know, fucking what? I'm going to, I want to establish a fake, like, I don't know, a fake, a fake radio contest or something so that every woman like this, or, or, or, or man on Facebook who says, I want you to donate, you know what? This one goes out to all of you parents who are doing this because I guarantee there is a listener whose wife or husband,

that's trying to check the box, is trying to pull this shit. No, no, who the, what husband would do this? I don't know. You're telling me I can stave off these present, these fucking toys on these for a week by shifting the blame on the other people and all that's going to cost me is a $9 ride-aid cake from CVS or Ralph's you, yeah, you fucking got it. They're children are like, bums with change in their toys. This is never ending. You give them one toy. They're immediately like, okay, so,

wins the next one. Win's the next toy coming. They'll stack up, they need two, so they could leave one at school. Like what, I need one for the car and one for my room. I need two sets of this toy. You're so right. So I haven't watched a nieces and nephews

get older. It's yeah. Yeah. I need this one. You already got that one. This one. I don't have one at Nana's house. Get right. Fucking you little this one stays a grandma's house. This one you can take home. Yeah. It's yeah. You're telling me I can stave off this this money pit, this burning money hell of buying this Chinese plastic shit for a week by putting the responsibility on other parents. You signed me up, right? Don't you want to donate it to charity? Get the fuck are you fucking kidding me?

Why don't you go donate? What's, let's donate Valentine's day to charity. How about that? Uh oh. You like that? Yeah. Why don't we take your wedding ring off, put a fake Cub cubic zirconia in where the diamond is and sell it and Give that to charity. What the fuck is wrong with you donating the kids birthday to charity?

It's not only it's the only thing worth living for in their child's life as your birthday Yeah, you can see you can get presents. It's like being with another woman It's different. It's different. You get different presents from your friends parents. You know what I'm saying? Your parents always kind of get you the same shit, but they might get you something a go-bot. Well, I've heard I've heard that these things are shit, but I really want to find out for myself. Yep. They're shit. Megablock. They're shit, but I Were definitely shit interesting, but everyone fucking sucks. It is, like, mega blocks, wow. I get to slum it.

I get to be a trustifying, I'm gonna play with these mega blocks. Let's see how these bastards are put together. A fucking chemistry set. Never would have got that from my parents because it's full of dangerous chemicals. Right. But you can get that at a birthday. Yeah, you can kick the yolk of your oppressor

at a birthday and these people are ruining it. Yeah, that's fucked. It is fucked. It's fucked. It's supposed to be the kid's special day. No. And they're fucked. And if you're listening, if your husband is,

or wife is making you listen into this, you stop it. You're raising a serial killer. I'm not gonna. There's gonna be a rash of Toys of Russ shootings in 20 years when he's- When the children get back up and run it. Yeah, Toys of Russ gets, when Trump gets out of office, he's gonna spend the rest of his life

resurrecting Toys of Russ from bankruptcy. And he's gonna go on TV and say, you know what, kill Toys or Us? Star Wars is fucking stupid, chick characters and SJW bullshit because nobody wanted to buy them. I went to Toys or Us store before it closed, fucking lines of array, lines of a little fat Chinese broad

that nobody wanted to fucking buy. G.I. wonder why? Yeah. And people are gonna say, you can't say that. Yeah, I Yeah. And people are gonna say, you can't say that. Yeah. I don't care if he was brazen, he can't say that. Those fucking movies.

They're terrible. Those fucking movies. They're unwatchable. They're pretty bad. They're really, the people who made them have an absolutely zero understanding of what made those movies good

or who the characters were. Absolutely not. I don't even think that they know what is good, enjoyable, and life. I really fucking don't. I think that the people making these movies came to life out of a latte in a Starbucks that they got a lab of people that pull a lever, a bunch of fucking espresso steamshoots out,

and then a person congeals in front of them that's like a pod that has no emotion other than, other than pathetic enthusiasm for whatever they're working on. No sense of failure, no desire to achieve anything, and these are the people making our movies. It's, I hate them. I really fucking hate them anyway. That's makes me, make me very happy.

Don't fuck your kid into it. I don't fuck your kids. What do you, they don't get the, you're doing a good thing for other people even though like you're probably not because very little of that is, yeah, you're, it's virtue signaling on, by the parents. Go, go down to a home, because I'm sure that kid didn't come up with it.

I have heard kids say things like that and it's because they've heard it from a fucking adult. Yeah, of course. It really, it upsets me when the kids get their presence taken away, Sean. I know it does. I know it does. You're the fucking guy.

You know what, bitch, watch the Grinch. It's a little movie called The Grinch Is Stealing Christmas. Watch that movie and think about it. Yeah. Okay. The Grinch wasn't stealing love. It was stealing the presents. Right.

Because they're more important. That's why. We're going to take your Valentine's Day. You want to take the kids' toys? We're taking Valentine's Day. Yeah. That's it. It's all there is to it. We're taking the book club. We're coming take the kids toys, we're taking Valentine's Day. Yeah. That's it. It's all there is to it.

We're taking the book club. We're coming after Mother. Instead of reading books for your book club, we're doing hard labor. We're gonna go down, we're gonna go, I don't know what we're doing. We're building houses, you're building homes for humanity. Yeah, yeah. Except you're not even doing that because that's not what charities do. They just take them on the end overhead.

You're gonna go wash, you're gonna go down to the rich part of town and you're gonna wash BMWs all day instead of doing your book club. That's what you're doing. Get all your friends over here. They're all trapped. I'm loading up a short bus with you Yenta Idiots and we're gonna go wash BMW's all fucking day.

You wanna take the kids' presence. Anyway, there you go. I like it. What else makes me rage? It's a pretty good one. It's a really, it really aggravated me. I don't know anybody who has done that to their kid. I do.

I know a couple. I'm glad I don't know anybody who has done that to their kid. I do. I know a couple. I'm glad I don't. All right, Aiden Paladin, the social scientist. She does great videos. I don't always do a bad job of introducing people, but she does the most recent one I saw that you did, Aiden was our women funny. And the one before that,

which I thought was really interesting, was using humor, does humor work to change as an effective tool of persuasion? And the focus was on kids. I do a bad job of introducing someone seriously because I'm always like a jerk off and slap-dicking around, but she's actually a very brilliant social scientist. Like an academic, Aiden is a, a, a, a veritable academic, Sean.

She wants you to stop helping. I know. How you, how you doing, Aiden? Welcome to the show. I got to apologize. Last time, you were on a stereo, she was just shouted over you. Now I'm doing the same thing. No, no, not at all.

Not, no, I mean, asterious was going to shout over me. No, I mean, Ashtarious was going to show it over me. And he had his liberal things to say, that's fine. I understand. He got to get it out. He got to, levels, you know, they got a, vent their rage. He's very protective of trans people. Very.

Yeah. Yeah. Why is it? And I understand. Well, I mean, he's got really, really close friends, right? Who are me, too? Yeah. Well, I know. Well, I mean, he's got really, really close friends, right? Who are me too. Yeah. Well, I know.

Well, I have same white, my only friend left IRL pretty much is a trans person. Your only friend left in real life is a trans person? What do you mean? Why are you friends in real life? Well, I live in a very isolated part of the world. And really?

Really? Oh, I live in West Virginia. I don't know. I'm taking me home. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why is that? Why does some straight men feel so like feel like gay rights and trans rights are so important to them? I've never been able to figure that out. I don't know. Why do you think, Aiden? More important than any other rights. Yeah. So Aiden's great because all of her videos have like studies to back everything up.

Yeah. Like, shit that you wouldn't even think got studied before. My guess would be it's actually just a, it's wanting to show homophilic or to show affinity to more people that you perceive of as in your in-group. Or more specifically, when we look at actually this in terms of the differences between more generally people who lean conservative and people who lean liberal, people who lean liberal, there's this thing called the Moral Foundations Instrument. And Moral Foundations finds that people who lean liberal have a higher concern for what's

called fairness. Now let's perceive fairness, be clear about that. And more higher perceived concern for what's called harm or care that they want to care for other people than conservativeists do. Now in contrast, conservatives have very high concern for everything. Sorry, I got it. But yeah, I'm going to, in your videos, you talk extremely fast too and then I have to rewind because I'm like, I got it. Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm, you're in your videos, you talk extremely fast too. And then I have to rewind. Sorry. Because I'm like, wait a minute, I know those

words, but they don't make no sense to me when they put together. Like, he's not 67 years old yet. Yeah. I have a full fledged vocabulary. Did you say moral foundation? It's **** moral foundation. Say that again. Sorry. Moral foundation. Say that again, sorry. Moral foundation's theory. Moral foundation's theory. Okay, yeah, that's one I would have had to rewind for. I should know the seminal and that off the top of my head,

but for some reason. Because then I think I'm really gonna hammer this up someone's ass later. Yeah, when they say, some of them say, well, it's because your Moral foundation's theory is all fucked up, you idiot. Yep. And they're gonna go like, fuck, I got it.

Then they see then, they got to think about the word, you just said, it trips them up when they hear words, put together in a new way. And they're like, yeah, and then they look stupid, because there's that pause, when they look like they shit in their pants. Yeah, I know, I know that term.

Yes. To be very clear then. Okay. Okay, so, a heightened gram, and I believe the semifinals 1990 2008 I'm going to say 2008 how about that? Okay. They found that there were five foundations that described everybody's morality. These were Karen harm, fairness or cheating versus cheating, loyalty versus betrayal, authority versus subversion, and sanctity or purity versus degradation. In a follow-up study, they found an additional

variable that was called Liberty. And what they found is that across these pieces of research were that there was a very distinct difference between conservatives and liberals. where that there was a very distinct difference between conservatives and liberals. And then when they added that, and these are just like- Well, for that Liberty thing, you described libertarians. And it totally, they couldn't understand libertarians

until they added the Liberty thing. So this is morality as humans see it, separated into these six categories, and that's like the five like that's like the five food groups except it's six like moral things like a done we all we all value them right these are everyone values but we value them to greater or lesser degrees uh-huh oh that's interesting the the idea is that liberals tend to really highly value harm and care they they want to protect people okay and they're very concerned with fairness but it's perceived fairness what's the difference Liberals tend to really highly value harm and care. They want to protect people. Okay.

And they're very concerned with fairness, but it's perceived fairness. What's the difference? Fairness is whatever you perceive it to be. If you think it's just, then it's just according to your mindset, correct? Well, that's that's fucking dangerous. Yeah.

Well, I mean, that's how it is. It would be for anybody because we always perceive anything as just only according to our mindset, right? Sure. Yeah. To us, yeah. Yeah, you as just only according to our mindset, right? Sure. It's to us. Yeah. You see what I mean? I get sucked into all of our videos.

It's like, okay. So it's a, because I totally like, but some things are more or less, are objectively fair, right? I mean, some fairness can be measured as a group, can it not? Yeah. Like, if you take a girl to dinner and then she's gotta go down on you, that's fair. And then you don't have to reciprocate every time. Oh yeah, I mean,

I asked a question and then, and then that happened. She goes down on you, you don't have to reciprocate every time, you know, cause you do other stuff like you give her compliments and take her out to a nice. You just says tell her, she was her nice. Yeah, it's not a one for one thing, Sean.

That's what you're saying, right? That's fairness. I would say though, in a way that we can measure this, because in anything involving the social sciences, we cannot get an objective reality because it's always subjective inherently because it involves the human mind. Yeah.

As such, we can only analyze perceived fairness. Right. So what we find are liberals are very, very high in caring for others and caring about or being concerned with perceived justice or fairness. In contrast, more conservative people tend to be about equal on everything. Harm care, fairness, loyalty, authority, sanctity, or purity. But again, back towards the liberal side, they are very, very low on concerns with authority and concerns towards sanctity or purity. So, well, yeah, I guess that's the kind of sums.

Basically, where we find a difference. Everybody up, right? Yeah, no, it's not important to them, right? Yeah. I mean, yeah, it would be like the whole, you know, why is it okay to do this shit? I don't know how I got on to this again, other than I think that, oh, why esterias would have been concerned with the welfare of trans people is if he's a liberal, then or he's a left-leaning person, as we know, then he's going to have a very high, he's concerned with caring for these people that he sees of as oppressed, and he wants justice for them. It's always his morals that he views as, it's really, and I mean, the data are stark in terms of the difference. These are massive differences in the correlations. Wow. It's always, it's always interested me

because it's like, yeah, you know, it would be, I would like it too, but I'm not, I'm not as, I amped up about it as you are holy shit, man. Yeah. Like, I don't know where that, where do you, where do you get that? Like, where's that?

Huh, I don't know. No, no, whatcha mean? You know what I mean? So, Aiden, your last video was our women funny. I knew right away you had to call in. It was very fascinating eye opening. Even for someone like me who's pretty much, I think I know everything about women,

like, you know, head to toe. You mean America's Batman? Yeah. Who the fuck are they? I picked up, I wrote down some stuff on it that I wanted to talk to you about because there was some points that you made in the video and you talk really fast,

so I had to write them down really quickly. You know what, actually, I slow, I record and I tempo it down. Do you really? In audacity. Yeah, and it stole that fast. Wow. Somebody tempoed down this show. really? In audacity. Yeah. And it stole that fast. Wow.

So many tempo down this show. Sorry. To half time. Yeah. They did this, the dick show and half time. And we sound absolutely hammered. Oh, what? So it was pitched as well.

I don't know. Or did it. I don't know. It was half time. And like even you talking, I was like, I'm like, I remember, I have no Sean talking like this. That sounds exactly like. Yeah. It's a stereo. It's talking in like this. That sounds exactly like. Yeah, I've never heard of it.

Asterios talking in half time. He sounds like a muppet. Yeah. I'll play, and they remind me to play that after I talked to him. Yeah. Okay. So one of the cool things I got from your video was why women always make jokes about their gross bodies.

Like that's a recurring theme for women in comedy and stand up. Like how you just load the quest when you're about their gross body. Oh, don't they though? Yes. They do. Like Amy Schumer's,

what was her last stand up special called? I'm a big fat sweaty pig and don't look. I'm disgusting sea cow. I don't know. I think it was. Wrap me in kelp and roll me under a barbs because I'm so fucking disgusting. I don't deserve to live.

Wasn't that what it was called? The one that they would lay on and something like that. It was something like that. So because here's what, I mean, I don't want to say this and pretend like I did all of Aden's research, but it was most interesting to me is you said that women don't like sexual humor. Like on all the surveys they take,

they don't like sexual humor. But they love, they love when men are the victim in their jokes. So that all the gross, all the women talking about how gross they are, and then my vagina, like my vagina over and over. It's that is actually victimizing men because the women watching are like, oh yeah, some dude would fuck, some dude's gonna fuck that. I know some dudes fucking that, right?

Really? Yeah. Is that a correct summary? Potentially. I actually, I can't give a definitive answer. The data, though from the various studies I read, do seem to indicate definitively that women like to see men being victimized in humor. They find that funnier.

They don't like sexual humor, but they like seeing men being victimized. There's also this effective homophily. What's homophily? What I bought up. Homophily is simple. It literally means homo, homo file. So liking those who are similar to you. I thought it was a safe lot. That is women in the fly. Big fat slutty horrors, probably like other big fat slutty horrors. Okay. Oh, okay. Homophily is like someone that looks, that's like you. Yeah, it looks and acts and behaves like you. It's reaffirming to yourself.

Yeah. To see a woman like Amy Schumer up on stage. Did you hear this thing? It was just today. It was actually, it came out like maybe an hour after I released my video that apparently at Caroline's in New York and NYC. Comedy class, yeah.

Last night or the night before. Amy Schumer booted some guy off stage. No, like, booted. Why did she think he was a giant sour patch kid and then when she took a break, she realized that she wanted to run over her SNL bit that she was doing. I guess it was on Friday. And she booted a guy, she booted a guy, booted a guy off stage. How should she do that? She booted him. She, she booted the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, So were they proud of it? Because I've heard of like, like Robin Williams showed up at UCB one time and they rolled out the red carpet. Like any celebrity comes on and they'll do whatever they want for them. I don't know.

I guess. Really? I'd be disappointed if I were going on the show. Like did she have to do it? You know what I mean? Like what was so important that she heard a movie bombing? Yeah. That's how comedians are.

If they have a giant bomb, then they go into overdrive trying to overcompensate for it by doing like appearances like that, by getting back to like that immediate feedback where stand-ups can force you to laugh because nobody wants to sit there uncomfortably watching a celebrity bomb. Yeah, that makes sense actually. Yeah. But every single one of her movies bombs, so I'm not sure what she was expecting. to sit there uncomfortably watching a celebrity bomb. Yeah, that makes sense, actually. But every single one of her movies, bombs, so I'm not sure what she was expecting.

Train wreck was a hit, I think, but wasn't it? Oh, I guess that's true. But so I thought that was interesting. The why women are always talking about their gross bodies. I also thought, let me see, and you said that men don't care who the butt of the joke is, that it's women or men. No, men don't, here's the general findings across all the way across the board.

Men don't give a fuck about women using humor pretty much. They're just like, are you gonna fuck me or not? They don't give a shit about anything else. And I mean, that's very reductive and I don't mean to be so simplistic of it. But they don't care if there's a little bit of a difference. If the woman is using very negative and derogatory humor, they might find her less attractive as a long-term partner, or they should, and they might find her less warm. But that doesn't mean that they viewed her necessarily as less sexually attractive. Whereas women in contrast found men who use humor,

very, very, very sexually attractive. So here girls like funny, but not, I don't know how you phrased in the video, not negative funny, like not aggressive funny, which is well, I know exactly what you're talking about. Right? Because I'm dark. Yes.

Yeah, I say things for shock value at work all the time. And they're hilarious. Oh, and they're fucking hilarious. And people are shaking their head no and laughing at the same time. Yeah. Exactly, yeah. And that's exactly it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. It's likeable, non-trackative. Sometimes girls, sometimes you'll meet a girl who has that sense of humor and it's very rare, but I always like it. Yeah, but she's saying, Aiden was saying statistically, like they don't women don't respond to that at all.

So what do you need, like what's the kind of humor that they respond to? I remember in your video, you're talking about incongruity, resolution, and nonsense, and sexual humor, but it all got twisted up in my brains. Sorry. I tried to, like, try to be succinct, but it gets difficult. There's three basic types of humor

that categories that we can define humor as. Yeah. They're very, very general categories. It defines about 40% of humor. That means that there's another 60% that we can't define. Pumers, it's very, very hard to nail down, right? OK. But the 40% that we can define

it falls on the WITS-3 model of incongruity resolution, nonsense, and sexual. Sexual can involve the other two, but if it involves a sexual element, it becomes its own variable. And that's only 40%. Okay. That's the best we can do.

What about a guy getting a guy getting like hit in the balls, like a skateboarding guy falling off his skateboarding, getting hit, you know, where does that fall in? Where's that falling? That would fall outside of the 40. I actually it might fall into nonsense or it might fall into the... It's not nonsense.

No, I don't actually know a guy getting hit in the balls. How about that? No, it's not nonsense because you know, there's a whole story there. There's like a Gilgamesh epic tale there where he thought it was gonna work. And then there's that moment of, ah, it's just, it's not gonna work and I get to watch you start, I get to watch you deal with this failure and not

realize the impending ball crushery that's going to happen, right? You know, now I'm now I'm completely broken in terms of trying to consider. I think it falls out of the Whits three model, because what would somebody get in the balls, or something like one guy, one jar? Why do we find that funny? I don't know. It's a guy that tries to shove a glass jar up his ass and it breaks.

And then I post it on the internet, though. I don't know why. That's been done a million times. It's like, you always hear about emergency room, fucking doctors and medics and stuff. It's so funny like a million times. It's like, you always hear about emergency room. Fucking dog is a medics and stuff. It's so funny. Oh, it's bad. It's bad.

I think it's. Fuck do people do this shit, man. Is that one of the times where it's like a guy's a victim? So you think it's funnier? No, oh no, one guy, one jar is the worst of the two girls one cup, all the videos like that that exist on the internet that have been passed around.

One guy, one jar, is the most horrifying to me. Yeah. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise.

That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. That's a one-wise. it breaks. And then the rest of the video is him trying to extract this broken glass mason jar

out of his ass. It's terrible. It's terrible. Don't watch it. I won't. Don't worry. It's not funny at all. Yeah. I think it is funny, but it's it's funny in a way. It's not funny because of what's happening. I don't know. You know, I really like Tom Segura. I talk about him a lot. Yeah. He always plays these videos for other comedians where there's this Asian guy who gets a one he's in a truck shop or in a car shop and someone drives their car into him and he just screams. It's funny. And he thinks that the scream is really funny and sometimes just somebody screaming in agony is funny and you know, I'm not really sure where that falls into this. I'd have to do more research. Okay, so this is more like jokes, like joke telling, right?

Yeah, I don't know where that falls. In terms of joke telling though, and telling a joke, yeah, it falls into these three general criteria. And congruent to resolutions, pretty simple, which is that you say something, you're like, hey, what's the deal with airline food? And then in the mind of the audience,

they go, what is the deal with airline food? And then you go, look at the peanuts, they're so tiny. It's so hard to get the bag open or whatever. And then the idea is just a very bad analogy, but you work through whatever the joke was in your head. Yeah. And because you were able to figure out what made it a question in the first place, makes you be like, ah, I got it. It's the, I got it. You know, sort of spots. So a lot of jokes fall into that. So women like that kind of humor. Oh, actually, men and women like that completely equally.

Oh, okay. All right. Terrific. That's a big star. Yeah. And men and women equally, actually the opposite, which is generally receipt of is non-sense humor, which is just like a slapstick, you know. Oh, I know women don't like that.

Yeah. Most children. Most of them are children. Most of them are children. Yeah. Peaks around age 25. that. Yeah. Most children, most of them are children. Yeah, takes around age 25. Interesting. Yeah. If you don't, I would say more like plateaus.

Yeah. Yeah, plateaus actually. Well, there's a lot of things. I'm sure it's completely correct. Is that it? Plateaus. So if you like it, by the way, it's just for the rest of your life.

You just continue to like it. Yeah. That's exactly rush, rush 1990. That's exactly what the data indicate. If you like to put time to 25, you're going to, I know because I like nonsense humor. It's the fun and the childish thing. The sexual humor stuff, though, women don't like it. They don't like it. So don't do it. Yeah. Don't go dark. Don't go dark. Don't go sexual. I'm not doing it for them. Stay. Doing it for it for me. You use pro social humor.

Use humor that is self affirmative. Use humor that is a pro social in terms of it's not offensive in some way. That's the kind of stuff that attracts women. However, it sounds like someone with good self esteem. What's self affirmative humor? Oh, talking yourself up. Like what do you have an example of that? Like my, I hate those people.

Yeah, me too. You got to dance. I'm saying it, man. I hate those people too, but from the data, women like the guys who talk themselves up. Yeah, well, obviously. I mean, you could see it in everyday life. Right? This guy's a fucking tool shed.

Yeah, you got to do it though. Yeah, man. It sucks. It's very annoying, because I can't fucking tolerate it either, but you know, it's, these are always aggregate to marriages, this is never a problem. It's a brewery, a individual. Collinist from a brewery like that.

Like, who's got a, who's got a huge dick and two thumbs? This guy right here. That's a good self-affirmative, self-affirmative, and in-congruity resolution, Sean, because I asked a question, hey, who's got a huge dick around here and has, and it also shows, she's thumbs.

She also shows basic math skills. Yeah, oh, wait a minute. That's a sex humor though. Fuck. Who's got a lot of yeah, maybe the dick part what you can't do that. It would have to be well then it has to be like science. Who's got two thumbs in a big heart. It has to be I gotta go kill myself now. You also understand that these are scientific papers. So when they study what they consider humor, it's like family circus. I'm not joking. Yeah.

And I'm not joking with that piece. That's what you really do. You're really doing. Garfield and family circus as their stimuli. And sometimes it's like, well, maybe nobody reacted to your stimuli because it was shitty. You had another thing on there that was women know, um, women are aware of the unfunniness of something more than men. Oh, okay. That was weird. Mm-hmm. Surprised. Yeah. It's actually in the FMRI data, women are quicker to respond to perceiving something as unfunny. In other words, women are bitches.

They're like, that's that funny. You know, the interesting thing about that though, is that women take longer to get a joke, but are faster to recognize them as not funny. Maybe they just didn't get those. They need another day. Come back in a day, hook them up to the brain scan machine. Talk to me when it's funny. Yeah.

I thought it was a very interesting video. Oh, it's super interesting. That is interesting. That's actually in the Christopher Hitchens piece that everybody talks about. But yeah, it is in that data in the FMRI research meaning that they actually showed people images of, in this this instance comic strips. So again, it's like family circus. It's just an estimate.

It's a good joke. How fun would that be to just want, how great would it be to have that FMRI should hooked up to everybody's brain all the time. Oh, man, everything would be so much, manipulating people would be so much easier. Oh, man. You could be talking to somebody and just watch on their forehead when they're tuned out

and you're saying, okay, I don't mind talking to myself over here. Fuck. And now people ask you, oh, you're going to Israel? When are you going? And if I'm here, I would just go right into that hate center. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know where my passport is. I don't know. know this about me. I have no idea where I'm like, oh, okay,

sorry. We're so much more convenient. Yeah. And like a hat. Yeah. And a hat form. Oh, green. If it just had a, like a, a view screen on the front, like on top of your, your beanie, a little ticker, whatever you call it, like the, like the scores, the bottom of, you know, what? Like the scores, if you're watching a gay him or something,

it's just like the ticker comes back. Or the stocks. You can just see all the stocks. If you're a sophisticated gentleman. Yeah. Well, another, like my fellow, I have till 67 or so to get a, where you start watching the money channel with mad money.

Yeah. Has some vocabulary words to learn. So that one, that video was awesome. And then you had that, you had a video on persuasion and humor, which I thought was really fucking interesting because your conclusion was that no, the kind of humor, like, you know, those guys got a lot of questions. I got asked that question. So those, I'll go ahead.

No, I was just going to say, no, it was because we talked about, is humor a useful tool in persuasion, right? Well, I wanted to set it up with like, you always see these activist humor videos that are clearly targeted at kids where they're like, cigarettes are not cool. Like, you wanna be get rid of those and they put these lame ass jokes

and you're thinking, I fuck you. Like, I don't like you, but is it working on, is this soaking into those little kids, brains? Or is that them trying to be like a little bit hip to kids and not getting it? As opposed to coming off hip doesn't necessarily mean humorous. I don't know, we don't know shit though when we're talking all about it. I know. Your video is great. What did you, what was your conclusion?

Thank you. I've stopped us before. shit though when we're talking all about it. Your video is great. What was your conclusion? Thank you. Stopped us before. And the short answer is no, it doesn't work. OK. It's completely pointless. It has to be funny and it has to be related. And what you mostly find with a lot of these videos that I've

seen is that their attempts at humor are nonsense, which does appeal more to children, yes. In terms of just being like, you know, wacky waving arm flailing. Wacky rubbing and flailing to bin. Yeah, they just put like some stupid shit in there or to attract the children that they think is going to be useful, but the fact is that that actually distracts according to elaboration likelihood model. And what we find instead according to Wanzer-Frimer in Irving 2010 with the instructional and humor processing theory model in contrast is that humor needs to be related

and it needs to come in order. In other words, you have to be very, very specific of how you use your humor if you want to use it to educate. What I try to do in my videos is use humor, for example, to try and convey a point. And I'm hope that I'm effective in that. However, what I find in contrast is that why all these lefty videos and you've seen them. Yeah. Is that these two, you know, try to disseminate these ideas.

It's just like some kind of random images, it's colorful stuff, it's cartoons, but it has nothing to do with the message. And the message is always just, and this is another thing, this is Cunningham and Dirk's 2005, which is that when you over-explain a joke, it's not perceived of as funny,

and if it's not perceived of as funny, it's not going to fall into the humor model. So, uh. Oh, I see the humor model of like persuasion. Oh, all here. Because that's what, any, yeah. Because that's what's the most interesting thing

to me about this, like the field of persuasion and topics on it. Like I, it's teacher appreciation week. And I will say, like the only teachers that I appreciate are the ones that taught me. First of all, the ones that taught me the hook hand, G-Spot move, because I- I'm kind of school that you go to.

I learned that one on the street, Sean, the school of hard knocks. I had to teach myself that move. But then it's the art of persuasion, anything having, anything having to do with persuasion as a topic or a skill, we do a tremendous disservice to kids not teaching them about it

because it's all that matters. Like it's all that your ability to talk yourself into places, into jobs, into chicks, bedrooms, into two chicks, bedrooms, like talking yourself out of a ticket, talk, like even convincing your family to do shit, it's the only skill that you need every fucking day. Even doctors are not operating all day every day.

The rest of the day, they're trying to talk people into doing shit, and they're also trying to not get talked into doing shit that they don't want to do. Like, we don't want to admit it, but if you're going up against somebody who knows how your mind works and knows the trick, like if they come up to you and just offer you something

and you take it, you're fucked, you're fucked already. You already think you owe them something. You know what I mean? You walk into a car dealership, hey, would you like something to drink? Yeah, sure. Let me angrily drink this diet soda. So I show them whose boss, wrong motherfucker.

You just, yeah, that coke just cost you two grand. I could not agree more. Read Robert Chaldeini's book, Influence, originally published 1989, republished just now with an increased aspect of the model in 2016. It's just called Robert, it's Robert, Cell Dene, on Influence. I've read it. That's what it is. It's just about how persuasion is the only thing that fucking matters.

Huh. And it's the most basic of, it's the most basic of things, too. Yeah. You know, like, it's like, like buying a trick-a-drink, right? That's a gift. And there's a reason why we do that. You know, like if you're a progressive procity. Right. If you're a Mr. Negg guy going around inventing cockamame stories about a naked man riding a horse down the street, you're trying to get the reciprocity of just simply buying

a broad drink. What the fuck did I just hear that? This is this is their game. They have these ass and aine made up stories. They'll go they'll walk up to women and say, Hey, did you just see that? It was a walrus fucking a chimpanzee on a carousel rolling down the street. I was, Hey, how you doing? My name's Dick. Like, that's what they, don't pay five grand to learn this shit. Just buyer a drink. Now she owes you. And I, I know that like women feminists

will find that offensive. But that's how social contracts work. I think interesting. I think there's not a lot of, not a lot of, there's not a lot of, you know, talking about it. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. so angry at YouTube. That video, it basically got copyright flagged and it got copyright flagged for a really ridiculous reason. It got not even flagged, excuse me. It got worldwide restricted. What yours over the nothing. What does that mean? And word-reader-stricted means that nobody can watch the video. Oh, wow. So I had to read up this planet. I've changed about the 15 seconds. Well, if you're on Mars, then you could watch it. Oh, man, it's so obnoxious. I can't

international waters. Oh, yeah, well, I could go to see. Yeah, it can marry you. I don't know. The canary. It's just obnoxious. It made me really pissed because it's not just that, but YouTube right now is really a fucking shit show. And I don't know, you know, YouTube is pretty much my stomping grounds is where I produce my content where I release it. And it's really a nightmare at this point to be a content creator on YouTube. Well, we fucked the cigarette companies

and the porn companies for too long. We need to send them an offering, burn them a virgin or something so they'll come back and save us. That's what I want. I want the porn and the cigarettes. Yeah, we did it. We were discurdious to them. We were insulin to them.

And now then they've left us high and dry with these stupid Carcump with these stupid to pay their own commercial's Coca-Cola Pepsi It's all poison We did it to ourselves You know I had a great idea which is I didn't develop myself so it's not my only idea But it's that it would be a great thing if on YouTube, not just for me, but for all content creators. If we could say, yes, my video is 18 plus.

And yes, I would like 18 plus advertisers to advertise on my video. So then all of these cigarette companies and the porn companies and whatever could do it. Now, the thing is, that would make a ton of money, not just for me, but for YouTube. But YouTube doesn't want to make money. They don't because they're politically driven. We know this at this point.

No. I agree with you. It is way more valuable to have a brainwashing machine which they have. Like Google has the most powerful brain washing machine on the planet. They can easily put an idea out there with a fucking doodle, with like a, they pay a thousand bucks for a doodle and they can just, they cram it in everyone's face. Tweaking the results a little bit, so like weird stuff shows up when you're searching

for information. Yeah, I don't, I don't know why they'd want to make a dime. But the amount of money they have, I don't know why they'd want to make a dime with it. When all that matters to them is that they don't get plonked for like privacy violate, all that matters to them is the government stays out of their fucking business.

And let's them run their monopoly into the ground of buying shit up and then integrating it and ruining it. Yeah, I agree with you. Are you married? Dick. I don't know. Is that a weird question? No. Not yet. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. It's curious.

Yeah. Are you still in academia? No, I I've resigned my position and I am now a full-time internet person whatever that means But I am still trying to defend it to my PhD at some point. Oh, all right. What's your PhD going to be on? It'll be my area of research. I'm a communication studies researcher. Okay. My primary area of research is in Media psychology and secondary area is in social psychology or intergroup interaction. I don't know what that is. It means how people talk to each other's groups. It's basically racial. It almost entirely is racial and gender

stuff. Yeah. And then I started to get into it because it was my secondary area. And then I realized, oh, no, everything from an evolutionary standpoint is in a group. You're, man, that would be frightening to me, waiting into the like evolutionary race, anything, anything having to do with race as an academic would be frightening to me waiting into the like evolutionary race Anything anything having to do with race as an academic would be terrifying. Yeah, cuz you know you think I am where I am now I see you got scary you got scary to not just me, but to others. So what do you mean? How? For me to say races are different despite the fact that there is countless evidence for that. What was the first reason, that was the first reason I got attacked. The second reason I got attacked, and this was the thing that really that put the last nail in the coffin of me ever being able to

work in academia and probably I can still finish my PhD, but I probably will never be able to work, was about a month ago, a couple of people said that because I said that there were death camps and mass extermination of people during a Holocaust, I was a Holocaust denier. I remember that. It was really fun. Because you said what? I said that because there was mass extermination, there were death camps, but that because I didn't know the exact number of people who died during the Holocaust. That you're a Holocaust survivor.

A Holocaust survivor. How does that make any sense? Welcome to the modern world. How does it, yeah, it doesn't make any sense at all. You didn't give it its due. Is that Sean? I mean, you know, what do you want? What could you possibly,

what could you possibly want from the anime avatar guy? Like what do you care? Are you writing checks to the, are you writing check? Are you sending checks to BB every month? What a skin do you have in this game? You fucking asshole. They just, the only thing that exists now

is calling people a pedophile in a Holocaust and no matter what. Like that's all there is anymore. Your racist, your pedophile, your Holocaust and I are. Take a pic. Take a pic, because I'm coming at you with one of them. It's three card fucking money. That's wild.

That's it. You're completely right, Jack. That's like you take your pic. You pick one of your three things and you go, this is the one that you are today. That's a Republican party. That should just, they should change the, they should change the, is it an elephant? Is that the republican one they should just change that to a uh...

a racist pedophile holocaust anir because no matter what no matter what you're getting called it anyway uh... i guess i guess you got me you're fucking you got me i'm in it it's where it's like a venn diagram you know the hot it's hot single whatever only dates assholes in the middle, the in-cell fucking flag. That's what it is. Oh, oh, you racist.

Oh, Holocaust and I, oh, the last one, yeah, Republican, right in the middle. Yeah, anyway. I'm not even a Republican, and I still have a question. I'm not even a Republican, and I still have a question. I'll be sending you. Oh, I'm a boy. I'll be sending you some welcome material

in the mail in a MAGA hat. I got a very nice letter from Eric Trump. Oh, did you really? I did in the mail. He's like, a spam mail support. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right.

And thank you for. Good luck with your PhD. Yeah. Thanks, Dick. How's that? You have ever wanted to write a PhD? I don't know. Not really, but I find all that stuff she's talking about

really fascinating. Me too. And especially because the stuff she's waiting into is so controversial. I know, man. But you could make tons of money off of it too. Yeah. Like Jordan Peterson, wait a minute.

Is she still there? Edin are you still there? I am still here. So you could do like the Jordan Peterson route where you make you end up making tons of dough off this, right? No, I really don't um I find that reprehensible. Oh, and not not Jordan Peterson himself or anyone else It's just a this that's not me. Not making money or like going to TV and stuff, which part's reprehensible? I don't, I feel like using one's own, you know what?

I'm going to, I will go to Jordan Peterson route in terms of being pulled yourself off by the boat straps, Bucco. And I don't think people should give me money over shit that was. No, but we need people like you who are educated who can make these claims. Like there's something wrong with the world that we most of us can't express properly because we don't have any data to back it up. We only have shouting.

So it's a channel that I can go and I can publish my videos. And as long as I can do that, once it gets, if I can't make videos anymore and YouTube removes me, then we could, yeah, but I don't want people's money. I frankly just want to be able to, I really just, I frankly just want to be able to, I have two very, very simple goals. I've had them since before I even went to grad school, but these have been my goals my entire life, of adult life, which has contributed positively to the wealth of human knowledge and to inspire others to love science the way that I do. As long as I can continue to do those two things, which I can do through my YouTube channel, then I'm very happy.

And I don't really mind anything else. I think that's great. And Dick is gonna say that's stupid, because I'm looking at his face right now. And he's saying dollar science. I'm stunned. I mean, you gotta make a little bit of money, you know? Imagine how much more good you can do for the world

if you just have a little bit of dough to spend, you know, yeah I outsource the content a little bit. No, I know by yourself some new. I do know that I myself a new outfit a new car Maybe that thinking and somebody have a car. I literally just live in my house and produce YouTube You don't even have a car somebody told me who gave me some some insight to just kind of the entertainment industry. And so he said, you got to give yourself permission to make money. You got to give yourself permission to make money. It's good advice. The people want to give it to you.

You can't say, you can't say no. You got to just let them, you know? Yeah, I'm an academic, though. I at heart, I am still an academic. And I'm just like, oh, Hayden, you could be both. It's okay to make money. I know you academics hate, hate money for some reason. It's okay.

It's okay to take a little bit of money for the effort deep down, even me, even me, the biggest capitalist of all time. Yeah. Then you could take it and redistribute it correctly. The right stores, the Nordstroms, you can distribute a little money over there. Fuck, I am like the biggest capitalist of all time, but that's what I'm saying. People shouldn't give money to me or anything like that. You get money. If you want a good money, that's fine.

I'm not going to beg people for shit like that. I'm not going to promote myself in any kind of way. People, the free market will work as it should, I believe. Okay. I'm worried. But you still have to hang a sign out. Yeah, you gotta hang a sign out. Right?

It's open. You gotta pass the plate around, you know? No, I'm not gonna pass. No, I found that degradating. Oh, you pay somebody to do the get degraded for you. No, I don't do it. I don't do either. I have a link in the descriptions of my videos, and I do nothing else.

Okay, wait, what's your link? Fill it out for me so I can hold it. Look, I am. I like it now. I don't know, actually. It's a Patreon, probably slash Aiden Paladin, Streamlabs, slash Aiden Paladin. AY. I also.

D-I-N. L-A-D-N-P-A-L-A-D-I-N. I also do have T-shirts now, but this is all I'm going to say is the communist. I'm selling merch. Step by my my merch booth and get some get some shirts get some merch for them. Just get my point is proletariat merch. That's all right. My point is I'm like an issue of myself. People can choose people want to choose to pay to to give their patronage towards me

Yeah, okay, I'm not gonna show it though because I find that to be Just personally I don't I don't like to do it. Yeah, I get it You're better than me. I got it Says it says the shirt, I'm not a shill. Patreon.com slash Aiden falladin. Pretty good, because I refuse to shill. I don't show myself, but please Patreon.com. Okay, get out of here.

Good out of here. All right, bye bye. Fuck. She was on pretty early, right? In the run of the dick show. Oh, yeah. Like within like the first 20 episodes of the show. So I think, no, I don't think.

No, 63. No, she was at Road rage Philly, though. Oh, really? Oh, okay. No, she, yeah, she was on, we were here, right? Yeah. We're doing the show from here. Yeah, I love when people have that weird relationship with money, right?

Right. Like, where they think about it. Yeah, I don't know why I don't, like my only thought is just, well, you need more. Yeah. Like you gotta have more. Yeah.

Because it's the closest thing you have to more time is more money. Yeah. You can get the money, you can get money, and you can exchange it for other people's time, and you have more of your time, which is the only resource you have that God gave you. You know? That's my thinking anyway.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's just, yeah, I don't know. I like it. Yeah. I got good videos. I hope it's not too serious.

No, oh no, I don't think so at all. So fucking interesting though. I get caught up in this kind of stuff. Me too. This says, I go down like the Wikipedia rabbit hole with all of this shit. Yeah. I go, what does, you know, I don't know.

It's not that I'd like discussing them really, because it never really gets you anywhere, but I'm really interested to see what the academics say about certain things that are considered taboo or controversial in, you know, just to speak about. Yeah. I think I don't even have any fucking songs that I could recording early.

I've got some questions and stuff. I've got two news segments. I've got a Captain Jackass news segment, and a God Squad from Haas and Cruz. Oh, wow. Very exciting stuff. Hey, Dick. This is from Han Cholo.

Hey, Dick, been a listener ever since, biggest problem in the universe number one. Wow, terrific. Congrats on your recent 100th episode. Knowing that there are other rage fueled people in this world makes me feel a lot better. I'm 26, I'm 20, oh, he's got it a question. I'm 26, I've been seeing this girl for one and a half months.

Oh my goodness. John, I've not texted girls back in a month and a half. Yeah. This guy's got a whole relationship. Decent, C, cans, she's two years older than relationship. Right. Decent, C, cans. She's two years older than me. Every time we've gone out, we've had a great time joking and all that. She's into the most of the things I'm into.

It's pretty much an easy going check. What's the catch? Well, for one, we haven't banged yet. Mostly because in her own words, she's still coming off a bad breakup and wants to take it slow. who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, having sex. You know what I'm saying? John, the thing is lately she started working a lot of crazy hours and it doesn't look like it's gonna improve anytime soon. We haven't seen each other in a week and it looks like basically it's gonna be that

for at least another 10 days. And that's how you can tell it's Han Cholo. She got basically in there. Basically I wanna let this go because if she can't spare 30 minutes off of one day to hang out with me, then I don't wanna waste any more time with it, but there's this nagging fucking voice in my head

that keeps saying I should wait that she's genuinely busy and eventually it will work out. That's possible. I know we've been seeing each other for a short time and didn't even bang yet. I've had this happen before, I could just shrug it off and leave that chick for another one, but this time I don't know why I just can't let it go.

I'm getting soft or what. Thanks for the loss. Go fuck yourself, Han Cholo. Man, you know what I find with guys? What? They have a need to put an end to things. Yes. And it always fucks us.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think this relationship isn't going like I want. I need to end it so to show that I have the power and then I'll see what happens. Then I'm gonna go do something else with another girl, right? But I gotta end this first. Yeah, I gotta do something here. This isn't going how I want it.

I gotta do something about it. Yeah, I think you're right. To stop it. Yeah. Stop it. To stop it. I gotta take the power back. You know?

Yeah. You'll get those, that's when you get some terrible texts come out of that. Oh, you bitch. Also, you don't talk to me. You'll like. Resist. You like, resist. You gotta resist that.

You gotta resist the urge to kill it sometimes, right? Or maybe not, maybe that's a, maybe she needs a, I don't think she needs a cup check. They haven't even banged yet. Just let it slide. Go do it, go do whatever else you want. Just let it fucking slide. She's busy. Let it fuck. Let it fucking slide. Live with that. Live with that kind of sick feeling that you get that it didn't work out your way and you didn't have the power.

You didn't have the hand that you thought you had. But it might surprise you. It probably isn't gonna surprise you the other way if you haven't had sex. If you have different story, but if you haven't, mm, man, she definitely wants to bang, no, she's, hang on, she's a human for God's sake. Put the moves on her. There you go, let's see here, what else do I got? Advice, hey Dick, I had a stroke on May 9th, 2016.

Basically, I had a brain hemorrhage, another Mexican, which was caused by an areetrovenous malformation congenital defect. I'm 26, I get weak spot and if I can blew out. I guess so. I'm 26, I get fatigued really quickly. Yeah. I was an apprentice baker, I really loved that.

I was coming home beaming, but I don't think I can get up to do baking at 2 a.m. Oh man, two years later I have about 90% of my right hand paralysis and I have aphasia. Fuck. Is that a kind of dog? Oh wait, he's 90%. She's 90% paralyzed in her right hand.

Oh, man, that's rough at that young and age. Yeah, basically I couldn't write this email two years ago. Fucking hell. What do I do as a job? Oh, I can't drive anti-seizure medicine. And I can't write anything. This email has been an hour long, like really. Go fuck yourself, kitty bombastic.

Very easy, kitty. Go on Tinder and put, and when guys text Tinder you say that if they give you 10 bucks you'll send them nudes and then just don't give them nitty-n-nudes. Just collect 10 bucks here and there. Easy, easy, right? I could have guessed a lot of answers. No problem, they would have never been that one.

Simple, simple answer, right? Doesn't even, you don't even need to use your own pictures. Put up an insanely hot, beautiful, supermodel. Put it up there. Guys are, dumber than hell. They'll send you 10 bucks. Oh, Nudes. Yeah She got to talk to them a little bit 10 bucks right to this pay semi-some bit coins send me a mill a bit coin a finny whatever they call them

That's the job she loves baking Once to put her heart and soul into baking. It's too physically Taxing and fatiguing for her to get up at 2 a.m. and bake, which she loves to do. Yeah, yeah. Go straight to the news. That's the answer. You know what? She needs a rat, a two-way type of situation, right? Yeah. That little rat couldn't handle all the baking stuff. She needs like a kind of a contraption to pull the guys or the woman's whatever hands and make them do it and Just bark sit there and bark orders at them. All right. I think that would work

It's pretty good advice. Oh Yeah, another academic type said you remember how I was talking about anti social personality disorders on the last episode and saying that it was That I thought it was predominantly in in women versus men. This guy saying that's wrong. It's a two to one in men. Is that right? Yeah. One of the few disorders where institutionalization is often the most effective treatment because no other therapy is shown in a long term effect. Right. However, he was saying that it's, they think it's that because typically they aren't diagnosed until they're institutionalized. Women on the other hand express symptoms by being He was saying that it's, they think it's that because typically they aren't diagnosed until they're institutionalized.

Women on the other hand express symptoms by being socially manipulative so they're never caught for any crimes. So they just coast through life having this disorder. When this is considered, the adjusted incidence rate is one to one. So men are almost all cluster B. Yeah. Personality disorders are male dominated. Thought that was interesting. Wow.

I knew someone would come up with some stats. Yeah Phil says Sean nailed the asterios impression. He had me laughing like a little girl Damn it. I glad you gave him an offer. He couldn't refuse. Let's see who else. Yeah. I got I think this is Clay Clay early wanted to call in. Oh yeah? Yeah. Clay Clay, are you there? What is up, fellas? Hey, what's up, man?

Good, hey, I need you to sign a waiver before you're allowed to talk on the show that indemnifies me of any embarrassing things you might say that guarantees you won't ask for anything to be cut out of the episode. I got you, man. I would, I would really love to do that, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to connect you with my lawyer and that recated law. Yeah. Yeah.

That's, that's my go-to guide. Just send it right over there. I'm sure that way, bro. You'll take care of it. Look at me split. Look, I just don't want to lose any more people clay. That's the problem. I don't want to lose any more people because of calls.

We lost Nash because of a call. We lost Chaco over some calls. We lost so vast. We lost, we lost fucking Dustin because of calls. It basically occurs, dick. What about you? I'm nervous now, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

I was here I'm thinking I'm gonna fly by five but now I'm thinking I have to leave the group. Yeah, exactly. I don't want that to happen. So you just, I'm gonna send you a waiver. You gotta sign it as I clearly promise not to, promise not to hold me responsible for any kind of flubs or embarrassing moments on the show. I'm talking about Max

Kannick. He got, uh, I mean, I'm pretty sure I've had enough throughout my life, especially like when, you're brave, dude, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, no, no, no, man, your settings are all fucked up. Oh, man, I'm sorry. You got to change your settings or something, your gates all fucked up. All right, let's do, uh, you fix your, fix your gate. I'm gonna play the Goss Squad from Mad Cux. And we'll do some voicemails when you think about that. Yeah.

All right, here we go. This is Hoss and Cruz. Got it. Goss Squad. Goss Squad. Breaking news at this hour, Mad Cux triggered by minor Cuck Foolery. A steaming Mad Cux was reported to have blocked two of Dick's most honored guests from speaking in the call and discord during the live recording of the 100th episode last week.

See in Teenu's as field correspondent, Haasen Kruz, has the story. Drama, irony and tragedy. Three things one might expect to find in the UCB theater were instead found in the show's call and discord last week during the taping of the 100th episode celebration. But the few you know are just the beginning. You're hearing the voice of Maxwell Kimble, a steamed guest of the Dixho in the long-time critic of Madcooks. So as the show progressed, we are on the Discord, and then randomly Madcooks interjects as usual, and we are prohibited from chatting inside the Discord, and we would have to pay 20 fucking dollars to chat about the show.

We're asked to be on the show by Dick. What the fuck, what are you fucking retarded? Madcooks immediately explained that this isn't a forum. This is a tool. When you spam the chat with nonsense, it distracts from the show and buried actually pertinent post. We give a shit of a talking in the discord. But pertinent post were nowhere to be found. Goss Squad's own has and crews asked,

why not have a channel for admins and also a channel to chat in? Mad Cucks immediately fires back with, and I quote, if you want discussion, pay for the live stream. Things back in the room, you know, as we're usually going to the sort of situations,

people started to ask Mad Cuts if they could only chat in between him randomly jumping into the show. And that's when the hammer came down. Mr. Mad Cuts if they could only chat in between him randomly jumping into the show. And that's when the hammer came down. Mr. Mad Cuts, he was not happy with me making jokes about him, so he swiftly muted me, and he's in group as well, I believe, actually. But the nonsense didn't end there. Random chatter continued throughout the duration of the show. So get this.

Dictator, another moderator, admitting that we really might should have a discussion room before advertising his own star trek discord during the show Called the live stream but having the worst possible reaction to bands isn't an uncommon thing for Mad Cucks according to Kimmel I guess Mad Cucks can't take a joke and he has thin skin and so everyone don't don't make jokes at Mad Cux. He will block you. He will mute you and he'll push out of fights. Sad. This is Chip Chiply saying where do we go from here? Yeah. There you go. Well, those guys are really formative and stylish. This is what's going on in the discord. God. All we're doing the show Max Cux says attention whores Kimble and Haas and Cruz but hurt they couldn't shit post the whole episode away for Hey Clay, what's up buddy?

Good now I can hear you now. I've been down to I've been down to like the Hey Clay, what's up buddy? Hey, how's it going man? How's it going man? That's good. Now I can hear you now. I've been down to like the, it's the Jewish area around like third and LeBrea, Hollywood. And they're all wearing, they've all got the ringlets. My other real Orthodox. And the hats, cool hats though. I wouldn't mind that hat. It's nice hat

Do you think that a lot of people dress like that in Israel? I don't know. I don't know either. I think I think a lot of them dress dress Western I just realized you were asking me this. I was so No, what have you been to Israel clay? No, no, I'm not been to I just came to the call and you're like hey Clay. Hey welcome in here Yeah, what's the Israel these are Wait, oh my god. What I don't know. I'm excited to go and then I'm going to Abu Dhabi where people are Assume or wearing like like My man is saying that they have if you're in a restaurant the women's bathroom is in another building

I'm like and there's like one woman there and so it's a bizarre since the society is like this i can't wait you know i've never thought it's like you know i like on the women and or sometimes men are the how the whole body gowns think do you think they have like night he and it is body gowns were just like a small would have like no uh... i is body gowns. We're just like a small, would of like, no, I don't think that they have that.

I think they've underarm her. New market, new market, right. They've got like underarmor togas clay. Yeah, no, that's what I would assume. Especially underarmor. They're all out of the point of the heat. They live in a goddamn desert, it makes sense. Yeah, gotta get something to wick away the moisture.

Yeah, I don't know if they have, it'll. Yeah, I don't know if they have active wear over there. I don't know if it's a big seller. Maybe a re-buck or something. Yeah. All right, man, what did you want? Why'd you want to call in? What do you got? Well, man, we were talking earlier about how you've got

this goddamn thing where everyone who calls you in, they lose their thing, but I, I have to apologize about several, at least I think, Tanner Silver, Dick has got lost in the wake of Hurricane Kayleigh. Dick, I'm really sorry about that. I asked with the Facebook thing where I decide to add as we call it, I suppose, a outsider, a normal man.

Yeah. She just wasn't it wasn't right for you. Did you see anything? What the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I'm sorry. I was talking about the Facebook thing with this.

What was that? This is what happened. that was in your in your group. Yeah I mean nearly nearly suck your group. I got banned from Facebook though you're telling me that you almost sunk the Facebook group. I didn't mean to this was a definite case of my fucking bad man. What did you do? What did you do? What? You don't even know. I'm bad for fucking Facebook. Yeah, I added just a random normal person who wasn't ready for more like life and to live shit in every way possible. And then what happened? Oh, apparently she talked about her someone brought up a dead relic there's something and she just went to town and went on or something.

I think that every person you're saying she actually the comment thing we're hearing right now is getting shut down. It is like everyone's supposed to get getting shut down. is like, everyone's just supposed to get getting shut down. What? What did you make fun of? I think that you know, I think you're playing Koi with dead relative or something. What happened? Okay, yeah, no, no, someone brought up that her brother,

she brought that her brother died is kind of like, she was getting stabbed at and acted like that was why she was acting weird. And one, and she said it was because her brother died. Yeah. And you don't expose that to the moral arts man. You just, God damn, the second day heard that it was all dead relative jokes, dead brother jokes.

Why did you let this girl in? What do you got against this girl? Okay, I guess, no, I got nothing against right. I honestly just thought it would be hilarious. Funny. What do you know her in real life? Oh, yeah, no, I hooked up with her a few years back. I went to college with her and like she was, she, uh, she and I just reconnected and she was pissed off because she thought I had on a

head around Facebook, but really she just saw my, uh, oh, because I get, because everyone gets sucked on your page. Yeah. And I told her like, oh no, no, no, no, I just I just got a Zuck baby. Let me do you want to see why I got a Zuck and I brought her into I just got a baby. Oh, no, no, no, no, baby now I brought the realm of fucking more locks man, and she just was not ready for all that noise. Yeah What are you hooked up with this girl in college? Oh, yeah. Come on, music up. No, not even in college, etch.

Oh my god. I just realized I'm very sorry to have a with her. I'm, okay, we can't say her name. This is totally getting out. Dude, okay, do you want to hear the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, the funny, I'm trying to think about the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the fuck is the We all got really fucking drunk her and I hooked up in my bed and we wake up and

Someone had shot the bad so bad I'm gonna be too doors so we're shatty bad In any like you know how to talk about like and show your pants It's just a little bit of what is it? confidence knuckle. Yeah, the couple stuff behind confidence. Oh my lord. Yeah. This is like I had to throw out the goddamn comforter and she tried to find you have a comforter to be honest. I'm surprised that you have a comforter in this story to be honest. Oh, yeah. I'm so happy. gonna get to be. So who did it? Yeah.

Who should the bad? I wake up the next day. I'm naked and I'm completely clean of shit. She's in different underwear altogether and still tries to pin it on me. I mean, I don't know for sure, but I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm actually in the type of work.

Oh, God. Let me get this straight. There's a girl that you looked up with who you led into the Dixho Facebook group and then everyone made fun of her. And now you just called in to talk about how she shit herself in bed with you a couple years ago. You know what, take when you are when you say it all like that. It really sounds like a bad idea, doesn't it?

Yeah, I think she's gonna call andow or the stock to uh... do you think shit you got my back what did you do what did you do when you woke up and saw that there's shit all over the bed all i actually tried to actually tried to talk about the things i was trying to be a good guy but uh... but are you trying to do what i tried to talk about the comforters i you tried to do what? I tried to toss out the computers. I was trying to be a good guy.

I'm not trying to get her called out. What do you mean? What do you mean? You were back to the apartment when I was tossing out the computer. So you threw away the comforter? Was she asleep? Yeah.

Oh no, no, she had woke up and she was trying to, like it was basically her having a case of trying to blame it on me. Oh my god, I cannot imagine the outcome of what this is gonna have. How did the conversation start? I have to play with on me. Oh my God, I can't out of match any outcome of what this is going to have. How did the conversation start? I have to know this. Yeah. Like you, okay.

So basically you guys wake up. So you woke up. Who woke up first? Yeah. Um, see, I mean, okay, I woke up in a haze and like, what's the trick? Or maybe she out of this in a while ago, but like, she immediately tries to tear down me

and say, you got super drunk last night. Meanwhile, she's wearing different underpants and I'm wearing the same shit, which was nothing actually. Do you remember what kind of underpants they were? I think they were, man, it's a couple years. I wanna say white though if I'm guessing. Okay, so this woman somehow had new women's underwear in your bed. She was staying over in my place for like a week.

So yeah, she had, you know, luggage in their shoes. Okay, so we had them there. Yeah, we busted this. All my accessories, you know, shit. I didn't, I don't have my, I don't have my Trump head on, but I'm, I'm trying to get on the wall. So you come, you come too, basically, and then she wakes up and what's the first thing you say to her?

Hey, did you shit the bet? Is this shit? Why is there shit in the bed? What, I'm trying to get into it. How the, since we were both drunk and shit the previous night, I was trying to play like, hey, it could have maybe been either of us.

Meanwhile, you're wearing this. I was trying to give her an out, you know? Yeah. How much shit are we talking about? Oh, hit it! Why would she give her a coach? She was like, oh, I was saying a lot. A lot.

A lot? There wasn't washing these cup holders. There was always throwing them out. Well, how do you give someone the out of maybe either of us shit in the bed that only you and I were in? Like, they know that they did it. How do you give someone that out? I guess, I guess you're not making her say she did it.

Was that crazy? Saying, hey, it could have been one of us, me knowing, and everyone knowing it's probably her, but me not making her like expressly say it was her. Was the best that I could do at that point. Was you being a gentleman not making her Except the puddle is a bunch of shit in your bed Okay, so you

And she what the fucking force gum And she was a fucking force gump. She was that quote. And she flipped and she flipped it around on you saying that you did it and then what? You threw the comforter away? Yeah, through the comfort way as my friends were all coming back from wherever the holiday were that day. They woke up well earlier than us. What time did you wake up?

I'm going away to shit comforter and it's like, I busted. What time did you wake up? I'm going away to shit comforter and it's like, I've got busted. What time did you wake up? And how long had the shit been there? Oh, man. Like way longer than I showed. Probably one or two p.m. This was a heavy drinking night, sir.

Oh, God! Oh, that's, wow. Vile. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God, Jim. And then what did she do? Just pretty much tried to play it off and move along like nothing had happened

Oh, did you have to throw the mattress away or did you continue sleeping on the mattress? I mean I feel like I should have but not Now I know I didn't get the mattress. I when I bought a new mattress, he's probably looking at it right now. Why is he still on it? Yeah, this is the same mattress. What the fuck, you know what I'm saying? We're on the record. I'm on a new mattress now.

Okay, good. Okay. Are you ready to take the one of Moab wraps? After that delightful tail. Any ladies want to go to Clive's Losing? I'm still lighting up. Shit all over his bed. He's got a brand new bed for you to shoot, defile.

When I bought my mattress, I asked the guy, they were selling like a guard for the mattress. He was like, yeah, it's waterproof. You could dump a whole gallon of milk on it. I won't get through it. And I said, so like, You can dump a whole gallon of shit on a thing. Pfft.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Like could I throw up on it? It would, it's fine. Yeah, and he could say I said no that's a I'm asking you he's like oh yeah, yeah, and then he had a bunch of papers Yeah We tested that we've got our bleenics in the factory so how long did you guys date after the pants shit air after the bedshitting Oh man, I was like it was it was a week on this and we didn't we didn't really hang out after that

We didn't have that year group dick because I thought only fun couldn't do and Come on All right Clay. I'm sorry man. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's okay. Just promise me you're not gonna quit the Promise me you're not gonna go to Greenland after this call. You hang up. If that's actually if I could if I could if you love can I give two shout out there. Sure. All right, I would love to give a shout out to Mama early and Mama Masterson and Mama

whatever I guess Sean's last name is I'm sorry. You're giving channels to my mom. That's what you use the shout out for It's just before mother's day. She deserves a heavy mother's day. I'm giving your mother Not from you a guy who's got she's talking about shitting his pants and shitting his bed Who I think you might have been awake you woke up naked it might very well have been him Hey talk about shitty mother's day. What are you gonna do? Well, thank you uh... uh...

uh... my mom what makes you a rage clay and then what makes it a rage is and i i brought this report out until we it's in my heart with gas station the uh... the uh... fucking field dispensers, make you press things like, do you want a car wash today? Are you in the rewards program today?

Yeah. They ask you to press 16 things before you can fucking just get gas. All I want to do is get there and get goddamn gas and they ask 17 things. And you got to use those buttons that just grind your fingers down to a nub. Oh, yeah, yeah, you have to,

especially when it's cold out, like you fucking have to jab the fuckers as hard as you can. They don't work at all. It's like pressing into a block of wood, fucking buttons. Yeah. All right.

Hey, my idea, my answer will be a little pain of blocks I'm wood. All right. Yeah, that's what makes me a raise my man. Okay. That's fucking, you know Clay was at Chicago. Yeah, Chicago. Yeah, he was Mr. Denham. Hey, that's my territory.

You hit all denim line. Yeah, well that's a decked out in full denim with a little shit trail of stench following him around. Well, that was just that that was just a fucking comforter. That wasn't my close. Okay Good, but what about was it on top of the Comforter? Yeah, I'm yeah. Oh no, no, no, it's under it's like It was on the mattress So it's on the mattress. She fitted cheat if provided you have a fitted sheet Really a lot of the mattress I don't know what kind of Acrobatic she was doing. I think she's like a black belt and shoot shit. Did she or something? Yeah, I don't know what kind of shi-acrobatic she was doing. I think she's like a black-bound shoot shit. Did she or something?

Yeah, I don't know. Like, it was only on the bumper from what I saw. It's like a fucking Rorschach test. Oh, God, like it's the lag type. There's no still egg mites. It was just all along the top. Oh boy. Yeah, did you have sex with that girl? Oh, yeah, man. Afterwards. Oh, boy. Yeah. Did you have sex with that girl? Oh, yeah, man. Afterwards?

Oh, man. I'm pretty sure you, man. I'm pretty sure. It's got, yeah. Well, it's a couple years ago, but yeah, I'm pretty sure we did. I'm not a man of pride. I'm not a man who has a lot of shame. Wow.

There you go. What's shame ever got anybody? All right. And now, with a shitty girl. Yeah. All right. Promise me you're not gonna quit. The Facebook group has this far.

Yeah, you were good. We're good. Although the girl might kill me, but we are good otherwise. Well, maybe she'll get, maybe she could come shit on your new bed. Hey, you know what? It's wide open.

Play cards, right? All right, click it out of here. To say it's a sign of commitment and Abu Dhabi. This shit on someone's bed. I'll give that a shot. Yeah, see what happens. Did you see, man, did you see the, the gym, McAfee documentary?

No. So, you know who that guy is, right? McAfee, that anti-virus guy, and then he was in Belize, and he killed his neighbor over some dogs maybe, and then he's back and talks. He seems like a total fucking lunatic, but he's also a huge millionaire and tech, whatever, smart guy, an innovator. They released this documentary of people who knew him in whatever South American country he was in. And it's these prostitutes talking about how he would lay in a

hammock and shit in their mouths. Jesus Christ. And they seem, it seems like they're telling the truth. And then they would do the same to him and that he would not have sex with them. It's very odd. Yeah, I'm to say the least. That exists. Yeah. All right, everyone, well, that's been the Dix show. Go to road rage, Dallas, head to the website to get tickets. I'm going to send him on a Patreon first.

So if you're not on Patreon, at least to get the discount, then you're crazy. Then you're lunatic and you need to check yourself into an asylum. We'll see you there, coach, we'll see you there. Go to thedickshow.com, dick.show, patreon.com slash the dick show. See you next Tuesday. Presenting dick. I'm ready. Oh, Clay. I didn't think that was going there.

I have no idea where anything's going. No, me either. I've been depressed about that. Max Panic all week. Yeah. I was very depressing. It was a good call. It was fun.

Yeah. Mom could be young. It was fun, you know. Nothing ever. How he feels about it. Well, I know, but it's too much. Yeah, man. Like his website's deleted.

Dude, so he just deleted, he just everything. Ghosted the internet. The internet. Oh, sucks. Because he's been since like episode, well, you have said it all in the fucking call. Yeah. Who's there right at the beginning?

Doing all that cool art and giving the show like a new feel. You haven't heard from him since he wiped everything clean? Not really. Like one line email that I don't really want to repeat. Yeah, yeah. He's not going to Greenland. Okay, good. So we know.

Yeah. Stocks though. Yeah. I do need a waiver for people to sign when they call in. Yeah. Look, things aren't going to go the way that you think they will. You got to, you can't predict. It's not going to happen. It doesn't, it doesn't work unless you just go with it. I know, it take, be so serious when it's over. No one cares. People don't even care. People don't even care about the Tim Poole being an obstinate for all those months.

I'm like, okay, fine. Now you're admitting it. The satisfaction of people saying something that everybody sees is so, Jen is the satisfaction of having something admitted that everyone else sees is so run so deep that people will forgive anything to get it. Yep. Yeah.

Like if Bill Cosby had just come out after the trial and said like, yeah, you know what I did, drug them and suck their toes, but they were, you know, they kind of, they played a part in it too. I mean, he did say he drugged them. I mean, in court. Oh, yeah. He admitted to giving women drugs. Oh, without their knowledge. I thought he, I thought he was saying they were partying. Uh, I don't know.

I'm no no for sure. Yeah, well, either way, if he walked out and said what we're probably all thinking, which is, ah, you probably pushed the line a little bit. Like you probably, you might have either persuaded them to do it or, I don't know, if he just said something that was kind of what everyone's thinking happened, public opinion would be a little.

It would be fine. Everyone would go back to wearing ugly Cosby sweaters. You know? I don't, he's kind of an extreme example example, I think you think so. I think so. I think a lot of people would be like, no, I don't know, man, the sheer number. But it happened like 30 years ago. There's also that in play. Well, it happened like four decades. Like some of it was 40 years ago. Well, yeah, 50 years ago. So if it was, uh, see, that's what it is. So if it was more recent, though, no, that's what it is. Well, yeah, 50 years ago. So if it was some of it, see that's what it is. So if it was more recent though,

no, that's what it is. Look, because then that's on her. Like if he comes out, if he were to come out and say, uh, yeah, um, I'm a bad bad guy. I kind of did that. It's not like, like I didn't just find some random person. It's kind of like I did have power over them. And I overstepped a little bit, but you know, it was, it was part, it was partying. I was partying more, but I was partying more and I, I, I, I copped to that. Then it would go, then the other side, which is, well, it happened, also happened. What you've been doing for the last 40 years, right?

And then that person, that chick, if she didn't say, I was 40 years ago, you know, then people would start hammering them, like, it was 40 years ago, right? It's like, well, no, it's still just as important, like, uh, 40, just say it, just fucking say it. Say it while we're all thinking, or else we're never gonna let it go. Hmm. Why not try it?

Well, you know what, things can't get any worse. No, that's true. Things can't get any fucking worse. Just try it for me, coffee. Come on, I want to see if it's worth. Am I crazy in saying that? I think he's done. Yeah, done.

I mean, done, I think he was, has been done no matter what. Mike Tyson came back though. He did. I don't think he raped that you. It's really, nobody really. No, it's like the Kobe thing. Yeah. You know, I don't who knows who knows Kobe. I think you can't say definitively. Kobe bought it. Yeah, but that's you don't need definitive. No, no, no, that's a. Yeah, but I mean, that's a child's, but you can't. That's a fool's. But you can't, that's fools. Plus see, so Kobe, what, Kobe settled.

So he brought his wife and gigantic diamond. That's how you know he did it. Yeah, trying diamonds. But if you, if you were to tell me that, if you were to tell me that in 2018, 2018, you know, like 20, 25 years after Tyson did this or his heyday or whatever, that he's like a sympathetic figure.

Yeah. It's kind of amazing. It is. So, testament to how much we like seeing people beat the hell out of each other. Yeah, but he hasn't beat the hell out of anybody in years. And it's so well. Well, he did. Yeah, he did do it.

He did do it well. But he, but the more you learn about him, the more interesting he is. And you really... With did do it. He did do it well. But he, uh, but if you, the more you learn about him, the more interesting he is. And you really, with his doves, his, you know, eighties, growl is like a huge, eighties girl likes Mike Tyson so much makes me uncomfortable. He was doing that when he was a kid. Why are you're no? Yeah, but it was like his background is really wild. Yeah. He was like, he grew up in like the poorest section. You know, it's also making it. And he was like the poorest guy on the poorest street in the world in New

York, you know, it's like in America. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, if you're a, if you're a black celebrity, you've got to get the rape charge. You've got to get the rape charge out of the way early. Yeah. Because Cosby, when his whole life, he got it at the rape charge out of the way early. Yeah. Because Cosby, when his whole life, he got it at the end. Yeah. There's no comeback for him. Yeah.

Tyson got it out right away. Yeah, in his 20s. Now, that's, you know, Arkelli right at the beginning. Now he's got time, you just got to get it out of the way, right? Yeah, I guess so. I guess better early than late. You're got to get it out of the way, right? Yeah, I guess so. I guess better, better early than late. You're going to, what the hell are we talking about? I feel weird about it.

Yeah, 40 years. Okay. Well, there were, yeah, up until the 90s, I think, I don't know if there's anything after two, maybe even after a little after 2000, I think was, I used to love to his shenanigans. Oh, yeah. I think it was 2002 or something. Do you think you had the Mortimer Ikabod marker in court?

The what? The Mortimer Ikabod marker. You get. He would draw that motherfucker around doing picture pages with you. No, I don't know what that is. You don't know what picture pages are. No. Oh, that's why you feel the way you do.

What do you mean picture pages are? No. Oh, that's why you feel the way you do. Picture pages. It's picture pages were an infotainment program for children starring Bill Cosby where he would do a picture pages with you, which was like an activity book with his friend, the Mortimer Icabot marker. God, I don't remember that at all. I remember Fat Albert. It was after Fat Albert.

Yeah. It was on Nickelodeon where he would like connect the dots. And watch my neck. Oh, you didn't? No. I lived Nick. Yeah, not really. Yeah, no, I don't remember that. All right.

Did I play the theme song already? Yes. Let me play this Captain Jack S. News. Hello, Dick and Hello, Dick Hads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple days. Eric Wong ended up playing a game of Rainbow Six Siege with Logan Paul. Someone in the lobby noticed that the gamer tag matched Logan's username he uses in his streams and they started to call him a faggot and team kill him until he eventually left.

James Barr fired his father this weekend for repeated insubordination. First question on the thread was asking about his shoes and what he's like, and after the pleasantries were exchanged, we learned about the nature of his firing. James runs a painting company and his father would just not stop bitching in moaning, so this left James with no choice but to shittin' him. According to James, he's dead with override disorders, trying to moke over time, and would get butt hurt over James' tone when his dad fucked up Let's lose count. Wait a minute. He fired his dad. It's fucking awesome. Oh

Fucking awesome over here Oh, man That's gotta feel great. Yeah, dad, you fired. Yeah. Get that back. Well, she is, get out of here. Because, you know what that says? Like it means that no matter what else happens, the rest of your life,

like you are better at life than your father. You stretched that firing out for like, like you nine hours. Yeah, that's like an over time I put an overtime today. Why well I had to fire my dad. Yeah started it eight in the morning lasted lasted an entire day took a lunch break took a lunch break. I had him come back in and Tell me what he fucked up the whole time. Uh, hmm. Maybe you're gonna get fired. Maybe you're not, Dad. What else did you think you did wrong? I mean, I'm reading over your prior reports. I called some references on you.

Yeah, my... Oh, it's my phone's ringing. Hello, me. Hello. Can you, can you, what do you think of the performance of this individual? Who's that? My dad.

Oh, that guy's got a temper. Ooh, dad. Exactly. This reference that you gave is not,, that guy's got a temper. Ooh, dad. Exactly. This reference that you gave is not checking out for you. And he was a kid. When I was a kid, he told everybody to donate my Christmas presents to a charity.

Oh, yeah. Ooh, ooh, ooh, strike two, dad. Mm-hmm. Things are not voting well for you. Well, I need employment future as a painter. Oh, I need a cigarette. I need to take a cigarette break before I really fuck you, dad. Yeah.

Turn on your smock. Ha. Okay, here we go. You know, it would be great you have to escort him out of your office security pile of his shit. This guy's got a, yeah, this guy's a real curse maniac. He's been cursing for a year.

One time, dog pissed on the rug, he almost threw it through the wall. You were five years old. You security, security, security. Can you restrain this man, please? You better shut your fucking ass down, dad. No funny business out of you. I'm in charge now, mother.

Fuck her. Oh fucking, I'll challenge your unemployment. Yeah. How do you like that? Yeah. You think Cobra's gonna touch you after I get off the phone with them? Yeah.

You'll be wishing for $2,000 a month healthcare to take you to your next job, dad. You better shut the fuck up. Do a little dance for me right now. Get up and do a dance. All right, here we go. Adams. Ken Adams made several newsworthy posts this week that may be loosely related.

The first was Ken Adams sharing with the group that he should himself for the first time. A few days later, Ken asked Dick Hedds if anyone else has trouble sleeping if they're not drinking. Although some Dick Hedds were linking the alcoholism Wikipedia page and fucking with Ken, a lot of other Dick Hedds expressed a similar sentiment that they do need booze to get a good night's sleep.

There were also several comments on this thread requesting dick tips regarding alcoholism and falling asleep. This has been the Dixiel Facebook news for the last couple days. Switched weed. Straight up switch to edibles. Take five, ten milligrams of net. If you're an alcoholic, you probably, I'm assuming you don't mix your weed with your liquor because it fucks up your, well, my,

it fucks up my momentum. Yeah, weed is better for sleeping, I would think. Dude, it is no joke. Just a tiny amount of edible has replaced probably a third to a half of my drinking, exactly what they're talking about, nighttime drinking. Yeah, it's insane. Uh-huh. I just think there should be evidence in the Cosby trial. You know?

I mean, like forensic evidence or anything. Yeah. Anything more than someone's word. It's a lot of, it's a lot of fucking people. Yeah. I guess like 60 something. Is it 60 women? Yeah.

What did they say? Total. They all said he was, they slipped him drug. They all have their own, they all have their own kind of similar story from what I gather. So, but that I wonder if there's some very specific, you mean like they've been influenced by like, what's the good?

Yeah, that happened a day. Like, all at of all, 60 of them. If one has a story like, well, he said he'd fuck me if, he said he'd put me on TV if I fucked him. So I did. That's right. Oh. Like, okay, well, now none of you get to do this

because that one fucked it up for everybody. Yeah. That's a complete Oh, okay. Well, now none of you get to do this, because that one fucked it up for everybody. Yeah. That's a complete bullshit. Yeah. That's just what I think might have had probably happened. I don't know. I think he drugged and I think he drugged and raped chicks. How many?

Dozens? Who weren't partying it? Wow, yeah. I mean, who knows. 40 fucking years, though. Well, that's what you can't, the statute is, that's most of them can't bring any charges, right?

I don't know. Yeah, I think most of those are well past the point of being able to file charges. So then, why is he going to prison? Because of the recent ones. Oh. Yeah. The ones that they could file charges for. Maybe I don't know anything about this case. Just seemed like, you know, seems a little sketchy to me.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, he admitted in court to giving, but it was like, why did he? I don't know if he said to have sex with them. Isn't that? I mean, I've done that. Oh my God, a jail. I suppose like giving chicks glasses a wine or something. Well, yeah. Yeah. I heard you got some candy. Yeah.

Yeah, I get some. Sure. Fuck. If you should happen to pass out. Well, I guess that's. That's what they're, yeah. Yeah. I don't know that that is just very treacherous waters when people start passing out shitting in beds. Yeah, like, yeah, bad party, bad

party. Hey, Dick, Kevin, you know what makes me a rage? Fucking ass loads of newspapers jammed into your mailbox. Okay, so I'm a regular dude, I live in an apartment. The mailboxes they give us if the apartment are not the biggest in the world. But for some reason, every fucking newspaper in the world gets sent to my god damn mailbox all the time i get to my mailbox and i open it up thinking oh maybe it just got like a couple things in the mail maybe letter from family members maybe you know maybe something about from amazon no it's just a Mill News news papers

Giant Yeah, it's a fucking news prank that fuck that giant Wad of newsprint that's there to greet you every day this post office exists That's what I was gonna gonna say. Somebody told me that, that the only reason they're around anymore is because of those stupid circular ads, they're being used by God knows who, who the fuck sifts through that giant Wall Street Journal sized

newsprint that you have to carry in and drop all over the floor every fucking day. Like what's, I don't even know what's in that thing. Been getting it for 20 years. Straighten the garbage. Straighten the fucking garbage. Straighten the fucking garbage while I'm getting drilled into my head that I need to recycle and reuse.

Meanwhile, the US Postal Service, which you only need once a week, those motherfuckers do not need a job every fucking day. While they're just dumping, they're burning trees on my front door. Brand new, brand new, nice recycling, bin setup filled up with garbage immediately courtesy of the United States Postal Service every fucking day crammed in there so the lid holds open so anybody can reach in there and grab checks.

Shit that I actually want. Right. Are they keeping up? They are keeping the postal service alive, aren't they? Those things, I believe so. Somebody told me that. I can't imagine what else is keeping them up. When's the last time you said, I said like, I said two letters a year and there's ones

to the IRS and ones once the franchise tax board. And that's it, because their website is gonna crash. Because I know it's gonna crash, so I do it the old fashioned way, fucking crashes every time. Yeah, kinda hate those things. Tell me then, with a quick rage,

and I think Dick and any other guy who's having the most as your beard will understand, is when you're drinking out of a soda can, and the tab of the can catches your beard and pulls out a piece of your beard hair. Yeah. Literally just happened, and I remember a few times that it happened where it took something in the,

where it were the thing that actually pops up, it just, I don't know, it catches your, it's wet in there. Yeah, your mustache gets raged in there a little bit. Surprise. Yeah, your lip's sensitive too. And sometimes it doesn't get pulled out all the way. No, it just pulls and makes it spring back.

So it's a little stupid pig tail. Ah. Like, well, I guess I just have this, you get home and you look at the brushing teeth. Like, how did I have this stupid little pig tail on my face? Oh my. That's how you should go to Israel. Just with your mustache and those little curly, cute things.

Let's stick it straight out of your, like, moosome or whatever. Is it sticking straight out of your face? Look like Zoydberg Who's Jewish should I do that accent over there? What accent Zoydberg? I don't know Yeah, hi dick I was listening to the bonus episode. Yeah, and you guys are talking about the the Holland day It's passed down from generation to generation right and and she was like oh what if one of your ancestors is gay

not a very good shanibation if you get it and you don't have children so no one has gay ancestors i would have thought that doesn't work which is very very wrong so like anyone surprised pregnant no to get anyone surprised pregnant. No gay. I'm not sure what it is. I guess it's the girl I know. Oh, God. No gay, no one.

Nobody whose gay has ever had children. No. I know a bunch of them. You do. So do you. Yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah, you are own kids.

You know the kid who's like a really good friends with my brothers, wife. Okay. Like, you know, her dad is, oh my God, you're right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh my God. You fucking idiot. Really thought you had us there.

That's a real God. That little head around the farm. I don't look on live, sir. Used to happen all the fucking time. Yeah. I mean, you know, some it's probably harder to, like no gay guys ever just had a wife, you know, to look like they're having a normal life.

Right. And then just going to like a rest stop on the side. Good, good. Gotta have kids. F, F minus on the deductive reasoning on that one. Yeah. You jerk. Oh, here's another one for you.

Hey, what's up, Dick and Sean? This is Angel Case. So, the next one is to call in and say, bless you, Sean say Bless you Sean Bless you. What did I do for bringing the show to a screeching hall? Oh good as a former tire technician Hearing you say that tires should go 40 to 50,000 miles Yeah, me rock fucking hard. Oh good

And yes, some of the best tires go 80 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I just ate up tires. I have to replace those fucking tires all the time. Driving habits have a lot to do with it too. Like I'm too safe, so the tires last. Don't last very long, probably. Hey, Dick, here's what makes me a rage. People who don't understand relative sound energy. So I'm at home. I've got my e pressed up again, something really loud like the dishwasher. And the last

is some shit. And I say, what was that? And she says, I said it clearly. I'm not going to repeat it again. Of course, I didn't fucking hear it. I had 200 decibels right next to my e and I'm not going to hear 70 from the other side of the room. Thanks, take care, fuck yourself.

Yeah. You know, they like to talk to you in places that you're not gonna hear. Yeah, you're just not. They're brains, it's because of their brains. Yeah, the sink, what's got their fucking... The sink is going, their assholes, they want to fuck with you. That's why women do that. They wait till you're around something very loud. And then they say, Oh, do you want to get some? Yeah, well, we need is some sort of a device to strap on to their neck like for smokers, people that lose their larynx because they smoke too much. So, we need that above for women.

So it will shoot everything that they're saying. It will amplify everything that they're saying. And then you have the remote. De-bart collar. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. So that when I'm washing my hands or like that gentleman was for some reason listening

to a dishwasher. Yeah, he was listening for like some kind of knocking or he was doing some manly thing like he thinks it's fucked up and he's trying to diagnose it or a doctor in a stethoscope or like I'm standing by a car or just I'm watching TV and I'm 10 feet away from the TV and you're 50 feet away from the TV. I can just, like the remote knows where the woman is and it will amplify her robot voice so that I could hear it. Yeah. Because she doesn't know. Mm-hmm. And there's no changing it. Yeah, so just give up.

Right. Just stop hearing most of the things that they say. Right? That's the alternative. Otherwise, we're gonna have to. Right? Yeah. A couple more and then I've got to go to Israel. I've got to go start reading about Palestine. Yeah. Because I don't know very much about it. I don't want to say the wrong thing. You know? Well, you just say, if you're not sure of a statement or how it's gonna come out or who is gonna offend you just preface it by saying no offense, but oh yeah.

Okay. That's what I'm going to do. Get you through. You should honestly just ask whatever's whatever side you meet. Like, yeah, you guys honestly fighting over this shit. You see this fucking place? Fuck's wrong with you guys. Yeah.

We got tons of lanes, all better than this. No offense, but no offense. No offense. No, no. God damn you. I mean, I wouldn't live here. Yeah. And I mean, I've shit myself repeatedly.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Uh. And I mean, I've shit myself repeatedly. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Uh, plays looks like a dump. Yeah. You guys don't even have subway here. Oh god, damn, yeah. They do. It's just with unleavened bread.

Yeah, substeens. All right. All right. all right. Stereo is just gonna tell me to stop making any somatic jokes again, like you did a couple weeks ago. You did?

Yeah. Stereo says a lot of notes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He fucking hates Milo. Yeah, you're not a bliss. It's this whole platforming thing. This whole platform thing. Yeah. That's like so important to people. Well, you can't go on, you can't promote that platform. You can't have this person on there. You know, Mumpke Jones got his book kicked off of Lulu?

When, just now. Yeah, yesterday. Jesus Christ. Came on the show, promoted it. I don't know. I bought it. Thank God I bought it that day. Cause it was immediately gone.

Diary of a Supreme gentleman. It's very funny. I don't know how much of it is Elliot Rogers manifesto and how much Munky added. I assume a lot is Munky is added. But I know some parts are from the manifesto. It's great and it's got those dumb little characters from the wimpy kid gone. What was the reason they like they never give you a reason? Good God, man. They never give you a reason they never look you in the eye. I'll never understand it

I'm kind of it took it's a platform. Yeah, John you can't we can't give this a platform We have the platform. Yeah without a platform. We have the platform. Without a platform, we're just thrown around a lot. Without a platform, they're just the same height as everyone else. So we're deep-powering them by taking away the platform. The platform, platform, platform, platform, platform, platform. God. Say it one, you say it too many times, some sort of a beetle juice character is gonna appear and rip and shove a giant dick in your stomach. I don't know how that's gonna work, but it ain't gonna be good. It's not gonna be good No, you don't want that. You say it three times like blood you go in the bathroom

You spin around three times to say platform through spin around and say platform three times. It's world is losing Boogeyman crawls out of the toilet. No, and pulls your pants off. That's where all this losing is. Boogie Man crawls out of the toilet and pulls your pants off. That's what happens. Yeah. You say platform too many times? That's when the, that's when the, the platform beetle juice, boogie man crawls out of a toilet like the girl in the ring and crawls at you and pulls your pants off and you look foolish for playing because you are or runs to your bed and shit frames you.

If you say frames you for this guy I knew he was talking about platforms. He really thought that people didn't deserve a platform. That what we needed to do with these horrible ideas and white supremacists is take away their platform. We can't have a platform for these people. No, we did. We beat him to death with a pipe wrench. And then he woke up with the next time he woke up with a girl, there was shit all over the bed.

And his underpants were different because the platform beetle juice came in the middle of the night and shit in the bed and switched his underpants so that he would look guilty. That's what happens boys and girls. When you talk about platforms, you fascist fucks. So I guess I have a banned book. Wow.

We're back in the banned book age. I know. Yep. This time it's different. We can't ban, it's different this time. We can't ban these. They're right to do it this time, right? We can't ban these, these do it this time. Yeah, right. We can't ban these books. These are for moral reasons.

These are, this might promote Nazism. We've got a ban it. Yep. Who the fuck did that? Yeah, yeah. Don't know. Sounds like you learned the wrong lesson because all the race shit was pumped up your ass.

Okay. Oh yeah, it was my old pal DP. So I've got a band book, the Monkey Jones Diary of a Supreme gentleman. It's great. Don't know what's happening to it. I told him just to, I told him to get a ton of them printed, just print like a thousand and then ship them to the warehouse that I use and sell them your fucking self. Yeah.

Because the Lulu, maybe I'll do that for not safe with women, because I can't imagine me getting to have a platform. Yeah. I don't want a platform. No. I want a sunken living room. Yeah.

I want the opposite of a platform. If you have a platform in a sunken living room, you look like a fucking idiot. Sunken living room's cool. Pull your pants off. Yeah. I got to be cool, Sean. Yeah. That bitch from the ring crawling out of the TV with the toilet and pulling your pants

off and your underpants. Yeah. And your underpants. Right. the kicker. Oh, yeah Pain is wiggling around stupidly stupidly Uh, it's all surprised Kick chicks can't tell size to save their life. You know, they back into shit all the time How much room how much room do I got? I don't know. A light ear.

Now, bonk. Bitch, that was about two inches. Huh? Uh-huh. Can't tell size. What I'm saying, they see a penis. They're like, Look at that tiny penis.

Did I ever tell you about the time? Oh no. Okay, we're real quick. I was in a sketch show. It was called the Dirtiest Sketch Show. Have you ever told this story? I don't think so. It was called the Dirtiest Sketch Show,

and every sketch was extremely dirty, and I mean dirty. Right. Dirty. Midnight show, everybody was shit faced. All the audience was shit faced. The judges were, there was like a panel of judges sitting up there, four judges who were just basically

emceeing the sketch show, and they would pretend that they were just like celebrities who were dead that year or something like that. They did it once a year at UCB. It was a legendary, legendary, rotesque show. I saw somebody, I saw somebody reenact a sketch where they pretended that they were Christopher Walken from Pulp Fiction

where he's talking about. The watch up his ass. Yeah, this uncomfortable thing at my ass for that. For a long years. And when he pulled it out, he pulled a giant butt plug out of his ass that he had been holding his ass the entire time, right? It was very funny.

Yeah. Um, I saw it check drink her period blood in that show. No, it wasn't funny at all. It was gross. Yeah. Yeah. Um, just like comedy does that fall under? Not.

It wasn't funny. I forget what her gimmick was. Um, so I was doing it one year. Not, that was funny. I forget what her gimmick was. So I was doing it one year, and I was playing, the joke was, I was playing Gandalf, the wizard. And one of the hobbits was gonna step on my robe and the robe would come off, and I was naked underneath.

And then I would do the whole scene naked while the hobbits were trying to tell me that I was naked and I'm old, then I don't realize it. Yeah, right? Sure. Classic comedy. Classic, classic comedy. Sure.

Somebody pìmi at the end of it, right? Yeah. It was hilarious and I was excited to do it. Back to the golden days of Vodville. Yeah, like ugh, this is back to the, I think Buckley wrote it. Buckley, I think Buckley and Allegra wrote that sketch. Yeah, I'm not so like guys, I can't wait to do this.

This is gonna be great. So I get there and I spray my, I use that old, that white spray, that white hair spray stuff. That's like a Christmas tree, but it's for your hair. Spray it all over my hair. Spray it all over my pubes, right? To get that extra kicker.

Because people are like, he's naked. Oh my God, and he's got a old man. His pubes. Was it gand off the gray or something? Yeah, at that point, yeah, the gray. Actually, it was gandalf the white and also brown because laziness, like the half white half, it was gross.

It was gross. It was fucking gross. So we do this, we do the scene, executes flawlessly. So you do it naked. Yeah, I walk out and I'm like, hey, fucking hobbits, how about this? And one of the hobbits steps on my robe and I walk away, you shall not pass and I walk away and the robe comes off

and I'm naked and people are like, Oh, it was the first one of the night to set the tone that there's gonna be high-stay-other routine. Yeah, you guys like that? Better bring some. And penis for you all and you know And then people see that the pubes are painted white. Mm-hmm. They're really dying You know, right guy got upset. Here's a

You guys got a case gave me a comedy award. Yeah for best pub comedy. He's ever seen in his life He took a selfie with just the pubes hashtag pub comedy. Anyway, then the hobbits are acting like, they're like, oh shit, they're pretending like you're in the movie. Yeah, they're like, hey, you stepped out of your robe, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, we did, got a big laugh. But then the judges are all amped up to see Ding Dong. So they're getting involved now. The four people, they're the hosts of Dong. So they're getting involved now. The four people, they're the hosts of the event, they're getting involved. And then somebody sees that I've got a tattoo on my ass, which I had forgot about. So he's like, what the fuck is this? I guess. So they make me, you know, they make me turn around and they're laughing at it. And then as I go off, or no, no, no, I don't even go off. One of the chicks, one of the women on the panel says,

oh yeah, and wouldn't you know that it's cold, it's a little cold in Lord of the Rings and more doors, something like that. Which is like, that's such an easy job. It's all dick joke, right? And all the guys on the panel's win. I've never, and I've never felt this feeling, they go, you know what?

I'm gonna tell you something. If you think that is a small dick, then I'm not ever taking my pants off again. Like one by one, they're like, I don't know what, I don't know what kind of dicks you're looking at. Like they totally turned it around on me. Mike Still, who is the former artistic director of UCB,

immediately they could have done the unspeakable thing. And for no reason, pile on this on me with an outlandish lie and fabrication about a small, at first of all, it wasn't fucking cold, and there was no reason to think it was cold. But my point was, is the chicks they don't know. They just see any kind of, they see any kind of flaccid penis and think, what, what, what is this a joke?

Yeah, so they think. They think of this little thing. That's just how they think. Yeah. You know, that was my point. Can it be further from the truth though? Yeah. I want to make sure that I don't want to have to delete this up as this, no, segment later,

Mirandaize yourself. Then they went around, everybody went around. Even the band guy chimed in. He was like, yeah, I was gonna say that too. I don't know what she's talking about. Yeah, that's a perfectly shockingly adequate, shacking, adequate. I said, all right, good, thanks guys.

My wife just got written up for talking shit on a coworker. That, yeah, what we all fucking fucking do it. Everybody talks shit. You gotta let that shit slide. But why this makes me a rage? Is the person that turned her in last year with crying in her wife about her husband laid off, got laid off their teachers teachers by the way how have they got laid off and how on a teacher's salary she can't afford fucking Christmas for her kids so my wife takes

two hundred and fifty dollars puts on a gift card and says Merry Christmas go get your kids and get right to them this is America everybody Everybody needs shit. She was so grateful. Oh, there you go. I'm gonna never forget this. Gas board.

Five, six months. My life gets dragged into her supervisor's office. Hey, you're in trouble for talking shit on this other coworker. You've been turned in by the person who you just blew to $150 on. You're in 50 bucks by a silence. You're buying my fucking silence. No, I know everybody talks shit about me. It's true.

We learned. It's how we become better. Well, if God thinks you're fucking done us, well, don't be a fucking dumbass and you know me don't know me but if nobody talks shit there be no motivation to improve right in the back

right in the fucking back it's always petty shit at work to like what a bad good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good Like, what a bad kid. I have to go and find more like this. And you know, I want the refunds. I want to go to the house.

Well, good luck with that. I'm fucking against Christmas, but I'm back. I'm like, oh, by the way, this is the kitchen loans. A fat, foul mouth, fucking, fucking back. And I'm like, bitch, fucking, I talk to all the other ones. Second monkey shit. He is. Hallelujah.

Holy shit. Yeah, what's worth 250 bucks that you could take? How do you get your money back? Take a game console. Take a game console. Yeah, something like that, right? That's too much thievery though. Oh, you mean, oh, how do you just? What about like a caper?

Oh, how do you steal, how do you take back $250 from somebody, like Siphon that just go to their place and siphon their gas tank every day for a month? Yeah, yeah. A little weird. So you're, I mean, you're okay with fevery, but it's got only when it's funny. Not like breaking an inter-rate.

Yeah, not stealing the kid's video games. You can't slash a tire. But you don't get any money for that. Yeah, but they have to spend it. That's not good enough. Unless you own a tire store. Yeah, I guess it gasses. This is what you do.

You open a tire store. Just so they come in and buy a replacement. Yeah, go. You open it like Lucy, Lucy's the psychiatrist is in five cents. You, okay, you go to their house, you get a jack, what's a jack gonna run you? 30 bucks?

You probably have one that came with one of your cars, but you don't wanna tie it to yourself, Sean. Well, you gotta go. You gotta go. You gotta go. Yeah. No, no, take it, go get some Cinder blocks. Two Cinder block, jack up the car,

take the wheel of their car, put the Cinder blocks there, then you go on Craigslist and put an ad for a sale. The seller. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha A wheel for a hundred and six. A hundred and six. A hundred and six. A hundred and six. And then you go to the her office at work, she's a teacher, he said. So you go to one of the kids in her class, you give the kid a note that says, Hey, you're looking for a tire. I got a tire.

You my uncle sells tires. 250 bucks. I get you. I get you a perfect tire, brand new tire for that. You give that note to a kid? Well, yeah. Then you're not gonna do it. Why is the kid in the market for a tire?

No, the kid gives it to the teacher. Gotcha. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you give the kid like a URL that he's got it when she's not looking, when she's texting during class like they all fucking do teach your appreciation, give me a fucking break. All texting all day. He goes to her computer and puts in the URL so she goes back and sits down and it's like Craigslist,

tire for sale. Yeah, and it's there's pictures of it. You got to find somebody else who needs to get revenge on someone in a similar way, and then you do each others. Wait, I feel like I've seen a movie. Don't throw mama from the train. Throw mama from the train. Oh, do. Wasn't that horrible bosses? Oh, is that the same thing that they did with the other end of the process? I think so.

I think so. Well, is that the same thing that they did with the other? I think so, they showed the differences. I think so. I think so. Mm. Well, do that. Yeah. But the tire thing, you could get 200, well, maybe, well, I don't know, maybe Angel Cakes could call in and tell us, oh, there's some tires that are expensive. Maybe you might have to steal two or three, but they need tires. You need a tire. Yeah. All right, everybody.

I have a good one, I'll see you in Israel. You need tires. You need a tire. Yeah. All right, everybody. Have a good one. I'll see you in Israel. Next show is gonna be from Abu Dhabi. Good luck. Or a burning man. Or I'm gonna die. It's just gonna be clip shows.

Yeah. Yeah. Sayonara. you