The Dick Show - Episode 11 – Dick on Magic

Episode Date: August 16, 2016

Download the MP3 Larry Bleidner attempts to read an Erotic Story, Morlocks and Eloys don’t mix, my beef with Marc Maron reaches a flash point, tech support during the apocalypse, new drops from Tim Changzzzzz, the light and dark side of magic, the culture of idea sharing, the time Sean and I slept together, and … Continue reading "Episode 11 – Dick on Magic" The post Episode 11 – Dick on Magic appeared first on The Dick Show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, welcome to the DICK show. You need dick, you want dick? You love dick. You got it. It's the only show where everything is a contest. It's the only show where a guest will come on and then text you screenshots at a later date after they were, after the episode has launched

of fans of the show telling them in the comments to get raped. There you go. That's the, this is the only podcast where that happens, I think. It's a special show. It's a very, my, I'm your host, Dick Masterson, with me as always is Sean, audio engineer.

Hello, Dick. Having a rough day, are we today, Sean? Not now. Not now? I think we're okay. You think we're okay? I hope so. I shouldn't have said anything.

You motherfucker. We got it. It's gotta be. Did that just happen? Did what just happened? Not now? I think we're okay. You think we're okay? I hope so. That shouldn't have said anything. You motherfucker. We got it. It's gotta be. Did that just happen? Did what just happened? Did the crackling go? That was very clunky.

That was very clunky. No, I heard that. But I thought I heard Lary. Lary, do not fuck around with audio jokes today. I'm here to fuck around. With me. With me. Something I can do.

Some people can do a perfect tape rewind. I've heard voice actors do it. It sounds like a tape rewinding. Like the guy from police academy? No, that guy's Sucks. That guy's Sucks. That guy's Sucks. What, you can do better than him?

No, but I work with a million of them who are better than him. Really, like what are they, like Foley artists that just go? No, no, Foley artists are usually guys like playing around with celery and meat and stuff like that. They just do, yeah, exactly. But no, they're just, they just, I bet that's great for picking up chicks. I'm going around.

Somehow, I don't think so. Really? You don't think, what are you gonna go up? You're gonna go up to somebody and rewind, like a fucking old reel to reel, and she's gonna drop her pants. Yeah, man. It's love.

If a five year old loves it, a woman will love it. That's my, they like like silly noises. Okay, look, welcome to the Dick show. I was at the magic castle last night. My magical trick was making 12 martinis disappear. But yeah, but the audience, the women in the audience at these magic shows were losing their shit. Like you were starting to float. They were getting, I mean, you were starting to float.

They were getting, they were splooshing all over the place. And these rooms, they love magic. They love like five year old shit. Especially the balloon acts. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, I guess when I've been there, it seems like there's always a guy making balloon poodles that then morph into giraffes.

Oh, so they love those. So the magic castle is, it's, it's exactly what it sounds like. It is a castle-y-looking thing where magicians do magic and it's also weird. It's exactly what it sounds like. But I was prepared to be a huge rage because this is what I hate about magician. What's do you hate about magician? Well, there's like a, it's a gate, doing magic is a gateway drug into being a pickup artist. You think?

You know what I mean? Yeah, yes, yeah, yeah. Because they're used to fucking. Pick a card, pick my zipper. It's like, there's a family tree of magicians. If you get into magic, you can go the one way of the Chris Angel Way where you're just a huge douchebag. And creepy. And creepy. And like on the road to being that you're the kind of guy that's doing coin tricks at gas stations for women and like

saying creepy pickup artists shit. That's what you could be as a magician. And the other way is like the David Copperfield way. And he seems like a nice guy. He's maybe does a little too many flourishes every once in a while, but he just seems like a nice guy that wants to entertain you. Whereas the Chris Angel guy seems like a guy that wants to like fuck your girlfriend behind your back. Like that's his magical trick. I think he actually, I want to fuck you behind your girlfriend's back. Yeah, that's his, the next mind freak with Chris Angel

is gonna be, well, he fucked me up my ass. I don't know how he did that, but I was just, I was walking along. He was showing me a card trick and all of a sudden I had his dick in my ass. Abraham, because Abraham, fool me six times. Oh, David, yeah, fool me.

Little did he know. David Blaine, who's a huge dickhead. There's like, that's what my fear is when I go to a place like the magic castle, when I take a girl to a place like the magic castle is that there are these magicians that are like predators. But they're praying, they're doing these, I know, I know why they're fucking doing this magic. They're doing this magic to hit on women. And that's why you learn magic.

So you can go up to them and say, hey, I got a trick for you. Let me see your phone number and then I'll add the numbers up and they add up to something. Do you know what I'm talking about? Larry, Larry Blidener, who's back for his second interview as a co-host. You did a phenomenal job the first time.

Oh, thank you. Do you know what I'm talking about with these pictures? I know, she's talking about sure. But you have nothing to fear, Dick. You've nothing with these people? Yeah, I know. She's talking about sure. But, you know, you have nothing to fear, Dick. You've nothing to fear. You've nothing to fear. You've nothing to fear.

You've nothing to fear. Here's why. Because most magicians are like comedians. They tend to be shy, introverted, the most. Miseryble. Emotionally fucked up. Pencil neck geeks. Okay.

Including, you know, you're like, you know, you're a rage. You're an animal. Yeah. They're not going to screw around. They're going to go for other people. Thank you brothers. Thank you, but I was pleasantly surprised there because all the major, they were fun, they seemed like funny, nice guys. I had a great time.

It's a great place, it really is. Okay. But they'll outlaw it soon. But they'll outlaw what? The magic castle. Why? I don't know, some reason. They're outlawing everything, aren't they?

I'll tell you why, because it's fun. Exclusionary. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. Not everybody can do magic, or makes people feel bad. They feel, that's it. Yeah, that's it. Not everybody can do magic. It makes people feel bad. They feel they feel offended.

You know what? There's the ice on no female magicians there. Uh oh. Oh, maybe you're right. Maybe that's it. But I had a great time. I had a great time. I appreciate a great time.

I hope they don't. Yeah, so that's the, that is the next profession that's under the gun then. Oh yeah. Magicians. Sure. Not enough female, No female magicians. 50% of the magicians in Vegas should be women. That's right.

Right? I mean, that's the, why not? Sexism, right? Absolutely. That's why. That's why everything, right? It's not because men are little boys, are little weirdos with weird hobbies

where we like to keep to ourselves and tinker with little, with play balls and balls. That's, that's, that's, that's not the reason. It's not just because boys and girls are interested in different things, right? It's because of how to control fucking sexism. See, the entire sexist argument falls apart when you apply it to goofy shit, when you apply it to magicians. That's when it turns stupid. Well, that's a good test. Engineer as absurd a scenario as possible and see if the logic holds up. Yeah, why aren't there women magicians? Well, it's because you don't see a lot of little girls doing magic.

No, it's because everybody's excluding them. They all want to be magicians and that door slamming their faces. All right, and anyway, last week, Lenora Claire came on. I think I'm gonna have a new policy where we've got a like jar where I'm gonna put five bucks in it every week. Larry, I think you I did the click again. I hear the fucking click again. This is the worst.

Jesus. This is the worst. I don't know what to do. They just got a click track on. Is that it? We got a click track. Unfortunately, it's completely, you know, 37 different tempos. Random. Try playing to that. Larry. Yes. Well, come back. Well, thank you. It's good to be here. No one told you to get raped in the comments last time I hold. No, I don't recall that. Oh, man.

But some dude did say he wanted me to read him a bedtime story. Yes, he did. And I brought, I do want you to read an erotic story eventually. I don't know if we're going to have time for it today because we've got a packed episode already. Low tax. Low tax is going to be calling in. A founder of something awful. Low tax. tax, low tax is gonna be calling in. The founder of something awful. Internet founding father is gonna be calling in.

Yeah, so that's gonna be very exciting. Plus, I've got a shitload of things that make me a rage, starting with the equipment that we used to do. Last time you came on, it was the second episode of the show. Was it the second? Yeah, and we were shooting, we were recording basically in my kitchen. Yeah. You remember that?

I recall. Sean was sitting in the oven. He was. Pretty cool. Well, my head is going in there in a minute. Yeah. You're going to have an assistant help you in there. If this fucking thing keeps clicking like this, how does it seriously?

No, seriously, it's the clock. It's the clock. Yes, it's the clock. Can you get a new clock? You can't if you send it in to fucking have it. Well, can I just buy a clock? You can buy an external clock. Sure. For 10 times the amount this thing's worth. So, so it needs to be fixed. That's all I'm saying. So I can buy another one of these. Like I think it buy a new interview. Yeah, buy a modern new interface. These things are these things are old. I don't know what's happened to this these. Like, I think it buy a new interview. Buy a modern new interface. These things are old. I don't know what's happened to this thing.

What, this did G.O. too is old? Oh yeah, they're spent out since like 2000. So I should buy a brand new something and record with that. Something within an extended warranty. Like the biggest scam in the world. I'm actually gonna fucking get an extended warranty. And then you'll never have a problem with it. I'm gonna get fucking too, man. I'm so fucking sick of the audio issues on this fucking show

Do you know what Larry do you know what I'm talking? You're a son of a are you aren't you too? Of course I'm ready to blow my fucking brains out over here like I can't do With a water pistol emoji Larry Larry you're out of your element. I'm so fucking tired of every time we get momentum and it gets on a roll, there's some fucking glitch that I feel like that's my entire life.

Is every time something gets momentum and something gets going and something starts working perfectly, God just slaps it down like a, like a, like a net. Snacks it like a mosquito. Like I finally got some fucking momentum going in this podcast and the stupid equipment starts going, click, click, click, click, for no fucking reason.

For no fucking reason at all, man, is it still doing it? It can't, please tell me it's not fucking doing it. I haven't heard it, but you've been screaming a lot. Yeah, maybe it's a carmacute. I swear to God, like, when they, when they, when they, when they get it, when you're a child and you like, you dream of wishing for things. Oh, shit, I just fucking heard it, but you've been screaming a lot. Yeah, maybe it's a carmacut. I swear to God, like, when they get it, when you're a child and you like, you dream of wishing for things. Oh shit, I just fucking heard it.

Don't even know. And when you wish as a child, you want the ability to fly, turn invisible, stuff like that as an adult, all I want is for shit to work. Did you just hear that? I heard this. I heard this. I heard this. I heard this. Man, all I want is for shit to work. That's just hear that? I heard that. I understand.

All I want is for shit to work. That's all I want. Like I want my car. Oh god damn it. That's really taunting you now. This is fucking bullshit. All I want is for my fucking, my car, electrical system is falling apart. My audio fucking electrical system is falling apart.

Well, well, well. You got to clean up your karma, man. In your life. This is karma. This is a karma, Kishu. Obviously in your last go round, you know, your name wasn't dick, it was prick. You know what? Now, this payback. You think it's payback because I'm an asshole. I know that in my past life, I was a vicious, codhanger, wielding, pimp, which is why now I'm saddled with a wife and two daughters for a portion of you saying

codhanger, wielding. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you do have experience. They call it a pimp stick. It's like, it's,, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, joking about it. Okay, I respect that. The coat hanger wielding pimped, and that's where my mind went. And this is, you're even sicker than I am. You know what? Love for his one. This is the culture that Trump endures every week. That's right, that's exactly right. About coat hangers.

And it becomes an assassination attempt, yeah. Yeah. But you really didn't mean that. No. And it just, that's what me and Sean, yeah. Yeah. But you really didn't mean that. No. And it just expect that's what me and Sean, who are both degen Sean and I, who are both degenerates immediately think. Oh, wow, that's a pretty funny joke.

That's a, but you just got a male dog. I just could like, push up your hand. Exactly, for backup. And what's the first thing they want to do is, as soon as you start, you know, humping blankets, let's get them fixed. No, the whole point of getting this dog

so that I would have some additional test toaster on under the roof for backup. And what do they want to do? Cut his balls off. Are you for that? Because I'm conflicted on it. I wouldn't want to live my entire life never being able to blow a load

But it's a dog Yeah, but it's got that drive right? Well, it's the blood. But you know, yeah, but not if he doesn't have them anymore right? That's what I'm saying But that isn't on mail anymore. You've rendered him neuter. That's why they call that. I will absolutely will not allow it But you're any circumstances. Have you ever had a dog? Sure. It's not syntactic. Sure Not a lab or thought they were more prone to cancers and health issues and stuff like that. Ball can? Not serious.

I saw a mom. Well, I'll be removing mine today, though. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no You don't know this Ion-san could be a big vet scam. I probably is. Noodering? Yeah, noodering. I don't know. It's really you do it so that they don't go make dogs that nobody- You can't wait a minute. That's what they say for health issues

and for behavioral issues. My dog never leaves the confine of my house in yard. How the fuck is it going to make any more dogs? I mean, I don't understand that. No, no, no, they just mean less responsible owners. Well, fuck them. Fuck them. Less accounts. Less responsible owners shouldn't even have a dog. understand that. No, no, no, they just mean less responsible owners. Well, fuck them. You got it. Fuck them.

Less accounts. Less responsible owners shouldn't even have a dog. Like in Los Angeles, if they catch like a stray cat or whatever, they take it and neuter it immediately. I don't really care. That's what you can tell their, yeah, I don't know why that is. Okay. You got it.

You got to, you got to fix it. We got to do something. It's getting worse. More clicks. Let's get this fucking thing going again. It's fucking the groove of saying. Is it recording? It's fucking recording.

The audio should be better on this dream too. I fixed that. I changed what happened there. Oh, did you? Yeah. We'll see. Holy fuck. We'll start over.

No. That was great. There was a lot of great stuff in there. Oh, yeah. Great stuff. You don't think so? Fuck no. Mr. Sarcasm.

You really don't? Oh, it's maddening. I know. I'll probably love it when we listen back. Of course everyone loves, everyone loves shit going wrong. Can we get started? Let's do it. Let's do it.

If we're being about you, I'll ask this. By dog. By dog. His balls will remain a part of him until the day he dies. Oh, that's it. That seems like an act of cruelty to me. Because he could never imagine going to the night. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

First of all, he has a great time with his doggy bed. You should see him. He sort of wrestles a thing in a position that goes to town. So he's given him a masturbation. Well, I haven't given it to him. He's very creative. He's resourceful. And he's created his own check there.

And that seems to be pretty happy with that. And, you know, should I take him to the doggie park and he just wants to jump on a great day? Good luck, he's a fucking multi-pooh. Oh my God. I wanna say the offspring of cutting an animal's a male's ball jaw. No, that shouldn't happen.

For any reason, but the alternative is worse. A life confined to us, a sexless prison where you've just got a stew in your out of control testosterone. Well, maybe I'll just slap a Roman collar on him and call him a priest. At least get any, can't even, yeah. Yeah, that's all dogs are priests. They're all priests. Okay.

But they don't turn the boys. So no one's told you to get raped in the comments. Jesus, why is it no matter what the fuck happens in this thing, it always circles back to rape. That's the, okay. So good luck explaining to a guest that the catchphrase for your show is, get raped. Because that's like, it makes sense to me

because I'm a horrible piece of shit, but on the internet, if you're arguing with somebody, just why argue? That's their response, just get raped. That's what, that's the most, just get raped. Get raped. That's the most violent, aggressive thing you can say. If they invented a new one, that would be the new catchphrase,

because that's the most, it's text. It doesn't fucking matter. It's some anonymous shithead on the internet you're arguing with who cares, right? Well, maybe that should be a part of your mission, to create the next new vicious vicious, violent threat catch phrase. Yeah. Yeah, so Lenora.

Lenora. I always tell, because I don't want to be part of the coming up with a new insult that's worse than get raped. But I do always say, I got to start telling people who come on the show to stay the hell away from the comments. Yeah. Right? Yeah. That needs to be like a life lesson, like stranger danger for adults.

Like, hey, just please, for the love of God, don't respond to the comments. But a lot of people you have on are internet savvy. Like I mean, they're sort of personalities on the internet anyway. So I don't know why they don't know that. But I think it's a different, like I think the internet is kind of separated into neighborhoods and they, and we're the way the wrong side of the track.

And our side, our neighborhood never gets in, like the comments on the podcast is like downtown Detroit. Yeah. So circa Robo cop era. And they're used to being in Pleasantville, or Pleasant, they're used to be. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood.

They're used to being the people above ground and the HG Wells is the time machine, right? Where everybody's beautiful. The E-loys. The E-loys, they're used to being in that neighborhood. And when they meet the morelocks. And they meet the morelocks, which is me, and everybody who wants to show, who wants to eat them and tear them apart, right?

Which we, that's how we live. Well, don't blame us. We just need to eat people's feelings to survive. Agreed. That's the way God made us. If you wanna blame anybody, go to fucking church. Not my fault, right? So I gotta start, and the worst thing,

here's the thing about terrible comments. I know because I do them. I've been chirping at Mark Marin for a year and he is finally starting to respond back to me. Is he? Oh, this is a great. I gotta skip ahead to Mark Marin. So this guy, Biggie Talls.

Quick, let's get it in before the clicks happen. Yeah, this guy, Biggie Talls, Larry Unomarkmarin. No. Biggest podcaster in the world. Really? But he interviewed Obama. He had Obama shut down the LA, so Obama could come on a show and talk about racism, like the ultimate race bader he is.

So Biggie Talls tweets at me, he tweets at me, hey, how do we call into the show? And I tweeted him the voicemail number. So Biggie goes, Shane, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, as, just send people to your voicemail. Oh, can you believe that he would be so disrespectful? Disrespectful. Mark Marin, a horrible human being. What a sarcastic asshole. Speaking so, speaking so insolently to someone untraditional horrible person,

that someone pose, someone says, sarcasm is a you problem. Someone calls him the human version of an empty nut sack. That's what he's got. And then someone tweets him a picture of me punching him in his face and his teeth shooting out the side. I like that a lot. So this is what you get when you wander into the Detroit. So this is what you get when you wander down to the more lax, right? This is the lion's den. And the worst thing you can do is give someone who's chirping at you the 50-50 idea that you are on their level, right?

Like you've instantly validated every single thing they're about and every single claim they make just by responding. Yeah. It's the greatest skill in the world, trolling someone down to your level, pulling someone in, like otherwise they would forget about it. But you just, you rope them in, bit by bit. And that's human nature, which is happening to Mark Marin, right? Anyway, somebody went to the comments, is what this is about. Somebody went to the comments, and it's brutal because Lenora wanted to have me,

Lenora wanted to have the show set her up on a date. And I'm thinking, really? Yeah, somebody, she's in LA, so she's in LA and she's in entertainment. Yeah, but she may be dating somebody from Detroit. Well, see, not everyone who listens is in the more lock category. Like some of them are our go-between.

Well, that's what she was talking about. Wasn't she dating a stalker though? I mean, what's... She was and she never dated a stalker. She's still really the same. It sounded that way. Oh, she, yeah, you know I heard that and I think she gave him a little bit of a come-on.

Well, really? Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. That's, I don't think we can lay all the blame on on. Well, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I'm really, I you think that there was more than meets the eye with that story? I just thought that, wait a minute. What I heard was, and at the same time, I must confess I say, listen, I was at the gym, so I was a little bit distracted. What were you lifting?

Thousands of pounds is always there. But what I heard was, some guy walked into her art show or something, he's dressed in a fucking Reynolds Ratt's, Ratt's suit or whatever, and he walks over to him. And she engages this asshole in conversation for quite some time, which seems to, you know, somebody walks up to me wearing Reynolds rap, I'm not even fucking speaking to them. Okay.

How much time did she mention how much time she engaged this time with? Well, at all. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. She basically says, sorry, he was in a space suit. But, but, I think you're, I think you're don't know. I don't know. She's basically mad. Sorry, he was in a space suit. But, but, but. I think you're, I think you're right about that. I could do it.

As much as I hate to put any blame on somebody for talking to someone, you gotta, it's like the whole don't pass out at a party thing. I shouldn't even be going to party. That's what I'm saying. That's moral and degenerate. They should be at home doing a ran. Okay, Larry. I was settled at shit. Why don't you hit me with what makes you a rage? I've got something

that makes me rage. Well, I just finished a 3,600 mile cross country trip with my wife and my daughters. Okay, you're still married? You're not amazing, yeah. My kids are still both breathing, that's like. And that's actually, it was truly, it was almost drama free, I'm totally amazed.

I thought there'd be, what the hell? Blood on the roof liner. Was everybody on Zant? Did you slip some of the part between us? No, there's no part between us and hearing all the women in your life, right? Chemical free people, no. I guess, you know what, I think there was so much going on.

It was so fucking interesting, it was so much fun, that there was no time to get on each other's nerves. It was amazing. But, how long? How long? We took about, I used about nine days all in. And, you know, so a couple of things that enraged me Dick on this journey was, first of all,

Graceland. You know, have you been to Graceland? No, I don't know. It looks like a porkhouse, doesn't it? Well, you know, it does. Well, it looks like a porkhouse. Oh, it does. It's like a porkhouse.

It does. Elvis had the worst taste of any human being. That's true. I was actually once in Liberace's house. Yeah. Is after his death. Settle compared to Elvis. It was.

Yeah, Liberace's were the guys. Were you the guy that came out there the guy? No, no, no. But this was after Lee was dead too. But yeah, you're right Sean. His Elvis's taste was way beyond Liberace. Is that huge sword room still there? I don't remember.

There might have been swords there, but it was bizarre. In his kitchen too. His kitchen was in the basement. There was windowless. it was fucking weird. Anyway, the problem is what they've done to the place. I know what you're applying. What they've done to the place. Elvis, wherever he is, he's spinning in his grave like a wheel of Catherine with fire

shooting out of his ass and mouth and fury. Because they've so commercialized this. Oh, EP. Elvis Presley Enterprise. Yeah. It's just horrible. It's worse than Disneyland. You know, it's way down. Here's what happens. You go first, pay to park, right?

And then, and then, Oh, that's the fucking work, yeah. Way down line to get in. And of course, where do you, there's only one place to wait, because it's a thousand degrees of matching humidity. Heartbreak, and one of the gift shops. You know, if they do gift shop, gift shop.

And then finally, get in line to get on a tram, a fucking tram to cross the street. Okay, I can see a tram at Universal, you go maybe half a mile or something. This is yards, you know, cross the street up the driveway. But before you get on the tram, they hand you a goddamn iPad and headphones. I'm like, what's this for?

What is this for? Got a tour. Yeah, no dosen, I'm paying 38 bucks a head for this shit and you're getting a live human being. You know what? I could do this at home on my fucking laptop. What do I need to come here for? I don't know how it is at Graceland, but I did Alcatraz that way and I was skeptical and

it's the best way to do it. Well, yeah, super interesting stuff too. It was fucking badass and it was like, it was like a multi-media kind of tour. Like they would give interviews of dude. No, it was well done. And they would do like, it was kind of like a recreation. Like it would be a guy talking about going to Alcatraz and I'd go in solitary and I'd flip a button

and it was called Find the Button. I was like, ah, cool, all right. Yeah. You didn't like that? I don't know how but, but I'll tell you this. If it was an iPad, it would have really pissed me off because it sucks your attention to it. It's like when they put TVs at bars,

like you can't look away from the device. The audio thing that they had it out, when Sean, when you went to Alcatraz, was it audio only? Yes. And that was perfect because not only could I use my eyeballs the whole time, but I also didn't have to talk to the chick I went there with.

There you go. Who was sick of all my The Rock jokes halfway to Alcatraz, but that was, but an iPad would totally piss me off. I know what you mean because it's visual. If you're just hearing something, you concentrate so much better on it. Yeah. Why the fuck do I want to look at a screen when I'm in the place? Okay, so I never even put the headphones on, whatever.

So here, take your fucking gizmo back. Can't you just start it and then not look at it or say that kind of thing? Why didn't you even think? Because I thought, this is absurd. If I want to video tour of the place, what the fuck am I standing here for? Yeah, that's a good one.

Okay, really? And then some goons, some security goon has to pull through my wife's purse, because she does look al-Qaeda-esque, you know, they're pulling her blue eyes and stuff. You know, it's like fuck you, fuck your whole thing. It was just, you know, Graceland, don't go. You want to go someplace cool? Don't go?

Don't go? Well, you know, go, but be disrespectful, you know, to the people that run the thing, not to the king. Okay. You want to go someplace cool, go to Sun Records, man. That's like there's no velvet ropes and no admission of bullshit. Yeah, same Phillips place. Yeah, it's very, that's a very cool spot.

But then another thing that would really got me a rage I said on this trip. There was a kind of a caveat or a rule going out. Yeah. No Starbucks. No Starbucks Starbucks Starbucks Starbucks. Starbucks pisses me off. Okay. Yeah. Why? Everything, everything about the company.

They're fucking logo. They're the whole, the whole Starbucks thing. The CEO, they all piss me off. Yeah, that CEO does piss me off. They really do. So all the way across country when it was time to caffeinate, you know, in the morning, it was Dunkin' Donuts. And they understand, it's like, you know,

Dunkin' Donuts, it's cheaper, it's just as good, maybe better. And it's like, here's your coffee, that'll be three bucks. Goodbye, you know, no engagement, I don't want engagement. And it's a completely different crowd. If you're looking in Dunkin' Donuts, it's people who actually fucking work, right? They come in there, it's guys with, you know,

lunchpales and jackhammers and briefcases, whatever they're in there, they wanna get their shit, get the fuck out. Starbucks, it's squat land, right? Let me sit there on my laptop and pretend to be writing a script like that's all it is. So I get curious, I get curious, Dick, and the interest of the Dick show.

I said, let me do a little due diligence here. It's a little bit of show prep, right? To find out. Let me see what Starbucks is about from there in, because I'm just allergic to the fucking place, right? And I went to their website, and they have, it's so funny, man, they have a page that's, you know, share everything is share. Share, they share that.

Everything but share the profits, that they don't share. Share your ideas, share discuss, see, you know, they have a nice little picture of everybody. I don't know if you can see this, but it basically looks like, you know, a cafeteria in Belson. You know, it's gloomy. And nobody's sharing a fucking thing. They're bent over their devices like this. Nobody's, there's no human interaction going on. So their whole sense of community is bogus. That's kind of life. It just doesn't, but it is kind of life. And that's the thing. It's true. But we are building in the future we are going to have an entire growing a class of people who are

Unemployable because there are going to be no more jobs for them like when robots slowly take over Mm-hmm and a living wage is slowly introduced in America which will happen because what are you going to do when robots do everything? Where are all the Uber drivers going to go? Where are the people who are building, if we're 3D printing houses, where are the builders going to go? We're going to have to send them all back to Mexico, right? Where are all the people who do all the, like, where, where's everybody in the service industry going to go when robots take over?

That, what you're looking at, this weird creating sharing economy, where nobody works, and everybody just makes bullshit to show other people is the future. That is, I don't know if it's gonna happen a hundred years from now, or 50 years from now,

but that is the fucking future I guarantee you. Well, it's gonna be a future as fucked as Hogan's go, because listen to... That's right, you know that expression. I know that expression. I had to look at it. I'm gonna point that expression.

Here's one of their little tabs on their site is share your ideas, right? This was actually on this morning, and I want you to listen to this, okay? This chick says, provide a soundproof room for people who wants, who wants to, wants, I don't get this syntax, wants to do activities that needs concentration.

Now listen to this, this gets really rich here. Starbucks coffee shops nowadays are not only visited by coffee lovers all over the world for leisure Period nowadays nowadays Some people now visit Starbucks some people now visit Starbucks in order to study read or work on their project And these kinds of activities need concentration that can only be further achieved with silence Because the next great screenplay is coming out of Starbucks. Yeah. Knowing this, it would be very helpful for us customers to have our specific needs satisfied.

Stop right there. I said, you know what your need is? Your need is to be dropped in the belly of some tramp steamer in route to fucking Somalia. Or maybe serious. OK, that's your need. That's what you need. You need to be dropped in there with the right rats

and the roach piss and claw your way through the scum for 15 days until you finally get there. And then for the next two years of your life, your existence is living and eating out of the same trash bin while you're ducking mortar fire. That's you and you need to get a fucking life. I appreciate how good you fucking have it. Okay, let's get better though, listen to this. Now, no, no, no, no, specific needs satisfied. I recommend that Starbucks should divide the space in their coffee shops for leisure

and for concentrating purposes. You fucking believe it? They should provide a soundproof room for people who want to work in peace. These rooms should also be provided with music that promotes focus and have no lyrics parenthetically and have no lyrics. It would also be good if a mini library would be constructed in these rooms. Is this this is just a letter they got? This is right on their fucking website.

This was like the suggestion of the day. Share your Starbucks idea. Okay, this is the future. Starbucks should also make a policy. You never know, there's always a policy, policy, policy. Starbush and be a policy that would allow people to talk loudly in these rooms, not allowed people. Scooby took loud views to give respect to people who want silence. Each Starbucks guest has his own reason for going to Starbucks.

parentheses, maybe to catch up with a childhood friend or to finish a thesis that is due next week. She's even got a time friend. Yeah, he's a genius. So she's still in act, baby. Yes. Yes. It would make all of the customers satisfied if Starbucks

would address their individual needs. Fuck you. Yeah. OK? That's, that's, so that really, she kind of, to me, typifies your Starbucks lover, okay? And I don't go there and their product is shit, okay? There you have it.

I love it. I agree with you. Hey, do you mind if we get a collar on? Get a collar on. Let me just pause for one second. Fuck, well, all right, let's keep talking about that. Low tax isn't gonna be able to call in this week. Miss the window.

God damn it. Well, here's another one, another idea is from a Starbucks hardcore patron, right? The couples straw. Every time I visit Starbucks in soda fountain from the 1950s, right? Every time I visit Starbucks, I notice that as always,

there isn't a shortage in the number of couples present whether they're cuddling or exchanging flirtatious words. I could care less. However, there is something that I have taken note of. I see couples sharing a drink and using one straw. Fuck me. Yeah. Sometimes I also notice that some couples put two straws in their drinks just to share it together. I realized that it was too much of a hassle. So as a result, I came up with an idea.

Why did I come up with a couple straw? With this, sharing a drink would be so much easier. And couples can have their romantic moment together. Who are these? Is this just like a shitty idea? It's having fun. They put them right there. I love the policy. I love the policy people. Well, that reminds

me of what made me rage as we, the DEA, the DEA refused to reschedule marijuana as a schedule two drug. So marijuana is a schedule one drug, which is the worst of the worst. It's up there with heroin. Yeah. This is an extreme, this is a drug that the whole country needs to watch out for, right? Crazy. The DEA in the face of overwhelming evidence against scheduling marijuana, and in spite of the fact that many states have it legalized, is still treating it as a schedule one drug. They've decided that they're going to keep it as a schedule one drug. And every hot take I've seen on it is people touting the benefits of medicinal marijuana

and going over stats and stats as a, but I haven't seen the one actual reason why the DEA is not going, is never going to reschedule marijuana because they have a $2 billion budget. Yeah. And 50% of arrests are marijuana related. Because it's so prevalent. Like the job's dependent on it. Because it's his prevalent is alcohol. Oh, yeah.

It's like, hey, every when are we going to stop trying to convince these, like they know it's not dangerous. They know. They don't need any stats. They don't need any studies. They don't need, they don't need, how are you going to convince them to not take more money? Yeah. That's the, that's the study that they've never been given.

It's not, oh, it's safe. It's not, oh, it's not that addictive or harmful or that everyone fucking does it or fuck you. I just want to do it. It's not as bad as liquor and smoking. It's how do you convince a department that they need to take less of your money? I don't think you can. And nobody wants to give up a budget.

And that's why even on the lower government levels, if they have a budget for office supplies, whether they need it or not, they spend every cent of it, or it'll go down next year. Yeah, there's no fucking reason. And the part that drives me the most insane, or the maybe think about that

with your policies statement, is this idea that things should be legal or not based on how you feel about them. say the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, Just let it be legal. Like you would stop someone from murdering someone, probably. And let's say you would stop someone. Yeah, you would stop someone.

I was like really deserved it. Exactly. You would stop someone from touching a baby. Let's say you would say, if someone said, I'm gonna go, I don't like that baby. I'm gonna go give him a real haymaker. I'm gonna go punch that three year old over a car. He's really pissing me off.

You would say, hey, buddy, don't do that. Don't do that. If a guy was getting shit-faced at the magic castle and decided to drive home, you would say, hey buddy, don't do that. Hey dick, hey dick, hey dick, pull over and take public transportation. Don't take an Uber.

You see what I'm saying? If you saw a guy lighting up a joint, would you say, hey buddy, don't do that? No. Of course not. If you wouldn't do that, then fuck you and fuck your policy. It's, I want to take anybody who has an opinion that is not founded on a principle of if I wouldn't stop them from doing it, you shouldn't do it. Anyone who thinks any policy or law should be set in a case where it's not, you wouldn't stop them from doing it.

I wouldn't punch their face into the back of their skull. Yeah. So that their face has a fist hole where my hand was and the back of their skull has like a spy versus spy face shooting out of it. But listen, you're right, but isn't that government, baby? Isn't that what they're all about? Isn't it the nanny state telling you what to do? And what, you know, I don't smoke weed.

I never have, it's not a thing for me. But I would, I have. You never, like, you're a musician. You've never back in the day? Oh, I mean, a couple of hits, sure. But I never, like, have it. It's not a user at all. No.

And I just don't understand why anybody gets a shit about that. But it's, again, it's government saying we know best. We got to tell you what to do when to do how to do it. And you're right, which is why we need to abolish all government immediately. All of it. And then in force and arki. Yes, that's it.

With the government. The other thing you wanted to talk about this week, which I thought would be a good topic, especially with you, Larry, was that men are becoming pussies. Oh, not becoming, they just are. There was an article this week saying that men are, we lift like 50% less, we're like 50% less strong. Or strength, or strength is a way down, like 30, 50% whatever it was, it was a frightening

number. And that's, it's so easy to see. I mean, you think about it. This summer, what was it, 47 years ago, right? Men were walking on the moon, right? Yeah. Now, this summer, 47 years it, 47 years ago, right? Men were walking on the moon, right? Yeah. Now this summer, 47 years later, yeah. You know, men of a similar age are walking around

with Pokemon fucking go. I know. What more need you, be said than that. Well, it says it all. It is fun. It's a good way to meet people, Pokemon go. It's fun to pass the time in traffic, too. What do you sell?

You think Pokemon go, stocks. What are you sell? You think Pokemon Go sucks. What do you sell? I just, the reason, the reason. I lift, I go to the gym. I'm not one of these. I can play Pokemon Go. Every minute at the gym, every minute I spend at the gym is a minute I'm allowed to play Pokemon Go.

But you're a typical in an outcast, you really are. You're reviled by most of society. I know you have fans. That's true, but most of society doesn't like you. Well, yeah, we're the more locks. You're the more locks. And this we're trying to drag everybody down because they didn't actually build that society.

The more locks, the more you walk around sharing their ideas. They needy-were to get each other. They needy-were to get each other. But the more locks were down there cranking the gears. They kept the furnaces stoked. Yeah, absolutely. I do. It does worry me because that physical strength, that idea of physical strength changes the

way you think. Yes, it does. It makes you, it's that we're losing that natural defense, like that idea of defending yourself and defending your tribe from outsiders. It's the feminization and the infantilization of society. Yeah, there was, go ahead. Isn't that, I mean, it leads to the entitlement of, I want to, I want a library in my Starbucks and my needs satisfied.

It's not what I mean. I mean, you know what? I'm so tired of that shit. You know, fuck your needs. What do you do? What can you do? That's, that's the whole question. Can you cure cancer? Can you shred a guitar riff? Can you make a nice sandwich? Can you do it? But people

today, the societal accent is on me, what I want, what I need. And my answer is always fuck your needs. Yeah. It just is. Has it always been sliding to this? Like, I can't imagine a time where men have not lost strength. Like, going back to, if you go back to, you go back to your generation and you just had to do more work, right? Like, oh, we don't have to do any work.

I mean, Sean, we just have to get this shitty audio equipment work and we can't even do that, right? But we don't have to carry anything anywhere, right? If I had carried my rack with my fucking clock in it, take it. But you two, you're two week. You're one of these new modern men who are two week and two and burdened busy playing. And just you may want to show up at a studio air quotes and just have something work for

me. Isn't it? Isn't that the desire I'm going to walk into a Nickelodeon show tomorrow and it's going to work perfectly. I know that. Can you steal some of their equipment? No, it's bolted down. Oh, well, if you steal some of their equipment? When you get in there. It's bolted down.

Well, if you modern male, I don't know how bolts work. So I guess it's there forever. Yeah, God help you if you need a fucking hex wrench or something, you know? Yeah. But I'm saying, is there ever been a time where that's not true? Because it seems like something we would have heard

for generations. Like there's always that article that gets passed around where talking about the youth of society and how they're not listening to their parents and their layabouts and they don't have any drive, they don't have any ability to better society. And it was written in like 20 BC or something. It was written in Plato's time.

Like every time I see men are turning into pussies, I think like is there ever a time when this hasn't been true? And you would know because you grew up in a different time and it's always popular to shit on the next generation. That's right. That's when the Boy Scouts came from. The Boy Scouts originally were in Britain. And it was started, yes, it was started by Victorian era fathers

who thought that the next generation were turning into pussies and they were worried that they would not be manly. So they started that and then the Boy Scouts of America transferred to America some years after. But yeah, it was exactly for that reason. So we need to man scouts. We need some kind of, we need some kind of new Boy Scouts, right? I suspect though that at that time, Sean, that was probably when you were, when you're

laying out those parameters of what's happened, I would say that probably it has happened from the courts of the pharaohs to Louis XIV, so whatever, the elite landed gentry over the years, they've always been the first to go soft and turn into cream puffs. Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? And it makes sense, and I would suspect that.

You literally had someone wiping your ass. Yeah, and I would suspect that was the case with these guys your ass. Yeah, and I was just suspect that was the case with these guys in Britain. These weren't coal miners that started the fucking boy scouts or factory workers. They were probably, you know, upper crusts. Blue collar. You think they're blue collar?

Oh no, oh, well, I see where you're going. Yeah, I see where you're going. Yeah, and so I don't know. I was the narrative I read was that it was a generation, you know, who just thought their children were soft for whatever reason. Now, I don't know if there was an ulterior motive to it like you're implying, which would also make sense.

It's just pathetic what's happened, though, to men in general. You take guys like you and look at a guy here who's 30 something and can clearly bench his own weight and then some. I did lift the whole earth. There you go. Yeah. I only used the bar. I only put weights on the bar to keep me stationary in space time.

Otherwise we'd spin right out of the freaking solar system. Yeah. And then I press the entire earth away. Exactly. I mean, you always asking how much I did lift. I don't know why they're just curious, but that's not much. I don't know how many gazillions of pounds that is. That's a lot.

Put it into wool from alpha or something like that. Tell me. But no, absolutely. Men have turned into tomato cans and it's sad. What about women? They're not as manly either. What the hell, why are men always getting this shit? How are, aren't they?

Well, you know, I saw in the news that the head of the Marine Corps wants one in ten Marines to be chicks within a very short time. Really? Good luck with that asshole. Man, I am uncomfortable. I will not want to have enough people interested. Exactly. They're recruiting at women's high schools in athletic programs.

That's where they think they're going to mind. Man, that makes me very uncomfortable that the army is advertising. It makes me very uncomfortable how the army is advertising. It makes me very uncomfortable how the army advertises the kids. And like buying NFL half-time shows in their time. I'm a big supporter of the troops. Like I love having a few jobs. I'll just take Trump's talking points.

Basically, I love having a big army. I wish we would use it more, but it makes me really uncomfortable to thought of them advertising to young women. Well, they, yeah. There is. As a father of two daughters, it makes me really pissed off, okay, because they're paving the way, trust me, at some point, you know, if shit really goes south in the Middle East

or whatever, and there's a serious fucking war, not these, you know, skirmishes. Skirmishes, engaging in forever. You know, the advertiser's gonna go out the window and they're gonna institute a fucking draft again. And it's gonna be boys and girls. And my response to the draft board is come and get them, fuckers, come and get my daughters because they're not going. Yeah, I don't want women in combat.

At all. It makes me uncomfortable. Yeah. It makes me uncomfortable. Of course it does. I don't know how it may be one, maybe one, whoever wants to do it, fine, go nuts, but I don't like, I don't like this idea of having to pretend like it's the same. Well, you've got such assholes like the head of the defense department, this ash Carter moron. I mean, he's so fucking stupid. He can barely breathe in it out. He's behind this.

And a clown like that, he, I don't think he even understands what combat's about. In his mind, everybody's, you know, with joysticks operating drones now. No, no, no, no, there's still, it takes a guy that's, you know, 200 plus pounds to kick in a fucking door in Fallujah and unleash the, you know, the 50 cowl and put hair and blood on the walls. Carry on 65 pounds of equipment. Exactly. You know, it's, it's not all drones and joysticks assholes. And you're not going to find a lot of girls are going to want to do that. If you can, great, but you're not drafting mine. Yeah. And the bitch of it is advertising works. Yes, it does. Oh, yeah. They have a, I mean, they have a good campaign. They make it look like

it's really uplifting, you know, they make it look like. And then they make a difference. Oh, it's the greatest thing. It's all fun. Sure. And then they fuck you when you get back. That's been, yeah, they sell you into the door and ignore you when you get back or you when you get back, they sell you into the door and ignore you when you get back or you when you come back. PTSD, the other medical needs, all that kind of out of control, suicide. Oh, yeah. It's terrible. It's another, yeah, you have to fucking her rang them over and over to get any kind of

response, which is a really a more widespread problem. It's beyond the military. You have to make everybody fucking do their jobs or follow through on what they said they're gonna do, but the servicemen and women get fucking shit on when they get back. Yeah, so nice. All right, well, we don't have, I had a caller lined up, low tax from something awful,

but we were not able to complete that call. He had a prior obligation. So we were not able to have him on the show. He's gonna be on next week, I think, he said. He had to split because we fucked around with our audio issues for 40 minutes. No, fucking around. But instead of that, Larry, would you like to read

an erotic story? Well, it depends on the content. What, what, what, what, what, what, horrifying is the content. Yeah, horror stories. I have to, but no. Let me see. Okay, let me on the content. Well, it's horrifying is the content. Horror stories. Let me see. Okay, let me play the theme song. It's got a theme song.

The Dicks Show presents erotic stories from real men. You like that? Yeah, give me the copy. Okay, this is from CD Rodriguez. You hand it off when you're done reading. Holy crap, this is from CD Rodriguez. You you handed off when you're when you're done reading holy crap It is a long one then after after this Dustin's gonna call and ask us some questions, but here you go erotic story

At the time I was in my mid 20s working with this gorgeous redhead who was married and Unavailable that's Isn't that doesn't't one imply the other? I mean, it's kind of, but she's married. You would, we'll find out. We'll find out. She did have a friend who was feeling the itch though. And since I was obviously single and horny,

Ginger figured she could help us both out by hooking us up. Turns out her friend, let's call her FB, was at least twice my age, but that wasn't a problem. FB was wild, horny, experience and adventurous hell. The second time we got together, I was able to unpack my bag of toys. She was up for just about anything. It was so much fun that the fact I had to drive

about one and a half hours to a banger wasn't even an issue with a trunkful of de-walt devices. One weekend, FB was staying the night at Ginger's Place, which is just the next town over. Great party time. I ditched my friends to go get laid. Big mistake. Ginger needed the house to herself so we were banished to a camper on the front Who sounds pretty erotic? It was a guy that has an erotic tale that's all about camper sex It was the end of winter in New England So still cold enough that we needed to run the heater which was a bit falter

Requiring us to bring a carbon monoxide detector into the camper Very hot. I love the detail We did that. you know it's real. That's how you know it's real is that he brought a carbon monoxide detector. Who's going to put that in a story? Exactly. Who the fuck's going to think of that? Who would?

Why would you put that in a real story? Well, I'll tell you why. He adds parenthetically, this will be important later. Oh. Maybe it's a vibrating truck. They set off the smoke a lot. Detector, yeah. I'd stay. You can't go. This the smoke alarm. Detector, yeah.

I'd stay up. You can't go? This is too weird. You gotta finish it. All right, all right. You're doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great.

My God, this woman gave stellar blow jobs. I settled in knowing what ecstasy was forthcoming and looking forward to that final moment when she had her lips wrapped around them. Oh my God, the base of my cock. Well, her throat, okay. That's a little much. Yeah, really. Struck the entire length of my shed. Oh boy, boy, boy, boy. This is when things started to go horribly wrong. You can say that again. You see, FB had been drinking heavily, cheap, crappy beer. Cheap, crappy beer. That explains why she was able and willing to go anal so easily.

Oh my God. I'm getting ahead of myself. One obviously causes the other. I was enjoying a long warm wet blow job, building toward an explosive orgasm when I felt a dribble of liquid down my scrotum. Oh. Now wait a minute.

No, it's not. He goes the trouble of putting the details of his carbon monoxide detector, but he won't even name the beer he's got this chick, Drunka. I get to tell you, my... That's what I'm thinking, you know? What was it, like Miller Light or... I gotta say, my bullshit detector is twitching. You think this is bullshit?

Yes, I do. It cooled very rapidly. And by the time it slimed its way around my anus, it felt as cold as ice. He's got a little foreigner reference in there. Took me out of the mood immediately. I doubt that. I figured maybe some pre-com,

or maybe she was just drooling excessively. So I shrugged it off, refocused, and was back on my way to O-town. Then it happened again. The mood was spoiled now. So I had to ask, was that me, or you, or what? Her answer was, I think it's a little of both.

Wow, and she kept going. Maybe 30 seconds later, I felt a flood of warm, watery wetness flowing down my cock across my goddamn head across my hips and all over the camper bench. There was enough volume that the cushion under my ass was soaked and I felt it. She ran for the door. I heard wretching only then that I realized what happened. She barfed fried chicken and Cheetos all over her room. It's a big flow job. She had barfed on my dick, time to leave, or not. I had gotten dressed and was on my way out the door

when she grabbed my elbow, pulled me back and asked, kiss me, where are you going? Where are you going? I figured it was obvious, but I explained anyway. You just puked all over the place. I stepped in it. My socks are wet with puke. I figured it was time to head out

and let you get some sleep. Her answer, I'm not done with you yet. Oh, this is getting really steamy. See, she's used to this. Yeah. Like, oh, this is not- I'm not buying this. You're not buying this?

I'm not buying this. Somebody that's sick enough to be hurling uncontrollably. You're not gonna come back with, you know, come hither-aligned, like, I'm not done somebody somebody that's sick enough to be hurling uncontrollably isn't going to come back with You'll come hither-aligned like I'm not done with you yet This doesn't pencil out let's see how the carbon monoxide detector comes into it Okay, that's a crucial point. Okay, then he made it up. She still wanted it. Okay, I can't skip I don't have a search function in my eyeballs all right. She wanted it. She still wanted it bad She pulled me over to the bed and grabbed my dick shoved it inside of her and it was on

Missionary style there in an there in an RV. That's full of puke right now by the way Awesome. I fucked their good and hard. She reached orgasm always bragging. I just picked her rant Randy quaid from Christmas vacation Brandy quaid from Christmas vacation. Exactly. It is a V. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Tumping the black water down the sewer. She reached full. She reached orgasm, turned her head to the side, and let loose another load of chum right on to the pillow. Chum. She's, we know he's efficient in two. Projectile vomiting.

I tried to pull out and leave again Trying to pull out and leave again. This guy is this guy They got a sequence his DNA because he's got the cure for erectile dysfunction in his blood Oh my god if he can keep it up there. Do you know this author? Well, no, I only know, I only know his name is CD Rodriguez. I don't know. Where did you get the text? People send me these erotic stories all the time.

Oh. Yeah, because they know I'm a fan of erotic. Oh. I like reading erotic stories. Sometimes, if I get in the mood for a nice erotic story. Sometimes an erotic tale is better than just looking at a bunch of bimbo's banging dudes who are, I know are getting paid for it. Like I look at a porn, sometimes I just look at the porn and it just seems like, it just seems like a bunch of horrors, but like I can't get into it.

I'm like, everything is fake. All of this is fake. Do you like amateur stuff better then? Sometimes, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it's been that kind of mood where I just can't get over the production of it. Yeah. I'm like, I don't care. This is not someone getting fucked. These are people doing like a dance. If I'm in that kind of mood, a good erotic tale, Larry, like the one we're reading now, will really put me over the edge. How about a nice Western? Yeah. Between a man and his horse with a gun fight.

Fuck this shit. There was no way I was getting off. She actually got pissed off that I didn't want to keep banging her. She turned around, bent over, stuck her ass in the air and demanded that I fuck her in the ass, less like seriously demented, do it now and all. No way without permanently alienating this woman. I was young and stupid and didn't want to risk losing my one source of regular boning. I dove right in, figured I might as well go for broke. I fucked her ass, go in hard, slammed my hips against her butt cheeks, like the pistons hammering down on an old-timey, steam-driven freight train running full speed over a cliff.

Whoa. She had a huge screaming orgasm. I felt her clenchup so tight I couldn't help myself and despite the previous nastiness, I came hard. I shot my load like a bullet into soft butter. Wobbly, this is also good because you can use these lines when you're banging a chick. Oh yeah.

Wobbly. It's because I look a motive one. Yeah, wobbly and spent. I pulled out, looking for something to wipe myself off with. She promptly passed out, faced down on the vomit saturated pillow. I found a roll of paper towels, two sheets left. I needed the light to see what I was doing.

I found the flashlight we used earlier to find our way from the house to the camper. Flicked the switch, pointed it at my pecker, brown goo from tip to base. Obviously, my little soldier had been crawling in the mud. This is fucking revolting. I used both of those precious sheets of paper towel and still had to scrape the rest off with a cardboard roll.

See, that's details. That's the detail. I'm gonna get out of here. You wanna go? Let's go. Thoroughly. Is this guy's up? This is an mate number included with the, uh, he doesn't say.

Thoroughly fed up at this, Larry, this is a real guy. This is a real erotic story. He's not a prisoner. Uh-huh Larry, this is a real guy. This is a real erotic story. He's not a prisoner. So this is a real man. Thirly fed up at this point, I tossed the whole mess into a discarded popcorn bowl. I spied on the counter, got dressed, and promptly passed out on the clean side of the bed. I awoke soon after to the screeching of the carbon monoxide alarm. Whoa.

Not wanting to die, but more importantly, at that moment, not being able to shut the thing up and go back to sleep, I tried to wake FB up and haul her back into Ginger's house. No go. Not wanting her to die covered in her own effluvia and my spunk. I carried her comatose ass across the yard and dumped her on a couch. I wasn't looking forward to trying to explain this shit in the morning, so I headed home.

I heard from Ginger the following morning. Her only question, do you know what happened to FB's bra last night? No one mentioned the camper covered in vomit or the popcorn bowl full of spent kernels, paper towels, cardboard, and dried out lumpy shit. Just what happened to her bra? FB and I hooked up a few more times after that, but never when she wasn't sober. You've been listening to erotic stories from real men. Brought to you by the Dick's Show.

Pretty good. That was a pretty good one. That was something else. Yeah. Alright, let's get Dustin on the line. Get Dustin on the line. Hey, how do you remember the circle back to the carbon monoxide detector? Just got him out of the camper, I guess.

Yeah. That was it. Apparently, it was full of carbon monoxide. Yeah, for sure. I could say lost interest by then. Hey Dustin, you there? I'm here buddy. Great, how you doing?

Better than us. I'm doing good. I'm doing good. You can hear us fine. Yeah, could you hear me fall? We're all fine. Yeah, you sound great. There's no clicking, right?

No, there's no clicking. So I can say that word. We're all pretty frustrated over here because of the audio issues and because of my disgusting story. Yeah, that story was pretty, yeah, I'm feeling pretty aroused right now, to be honest. Good. Good. I'm glad someone else is feeling aroused too.

You need to take a moment. You got some, let's go, we put. You got a question, you got some questions for us? Yeah, we have a lot of questions. Sean Reha, question for Dick. What is his favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movie? I like to hear the reason for his pick too. Well, it's not even a movie.

It's just a one scene in Predator where he high fives Dylan and guns Dylan, you son of a bitch. And they do that, that forearm, that muscley high f... That muscley arm grab, that handshake, that you can only do with an army of men. Like there's only a few men who are aggro enough to participate in that handshake with you. Larry, do you know what I'm talking about? It's like an arm wrestling handshake.

Where you go, wham, and you call someone a son of a bitch and you look them right in their eye, and then you arm wrestle them in the air. It's like a whole key in embrace. Yes, yes. Okay, Larry, do you have a favorite? Favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger moment? Or movie?

Or movie. It's gotta be Terminator. You know, and it's just so full of great moments. You know, I don't know what, I'll be back or fuck you asshole. You know, actually, you Actually, let me revise that. My favorite is there's a scene in Terminator where he's trying to get past or get the address or something of Sarah Connor.

And he's on a public telephone and they dub him doing a chick's voice and it's absolutely hysterical. That's the other, that's the bad guy, the skinny guy. That's not Arnold, is it? Yeah, that's Arnold. Well, he was the first terminator. Oh, the first terminator.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm thinking of the second terminator. How dare me? And he does, you know, they dubbed this chick voice of him saying, you. No, it's Arnold's first movie and he's walking around looking like an Olympic god, but he was, his accent was so horrible and he wasn't famous for it yet. So they dubbed the entire movie with some dickhead doing all of Arnold's lines. Oh my God. It's weird.

It's disconcerting the line. Did it look terrible? Yes, it looked awful and it sounds awful now because you know him and you're trying desperately to imagine how he would be butchering these lines. And it's like a straight American accent. Yeah, yeah. What else you got? God, all right.

Dick mentioned before that him and Sean spelled insanely, went to Europe a long time ago and Sean almost got hit by a truck. What is an outrageous, oh, I almost got, sorry, go ahead. It's okay, what is an outrageous, alcohol-fueled, misadventure from that trip? Oh, no, you almost go where you're gonna say.

I almost got us killed by a truck in the car. I was turning into that petrol station. Yeah, I misjudged the fact that he was going about 100 miles an hour. It was pretty close. Closer than we would have liked, huh? Well, that's because the night before these awesome German guys that we met at a beer hall there, like Sean and I would do, this was in 2002.

No, 2000. Buddy, I've... Wait, no, no, no, I thought it was 2002 because I thought it would be... 2003. I'm sorry, 2003. I thought it would be very clever. I thought we'd get a great deal on plane tickets if we went on the anniversary of 9-11. Yeah, wasn't that that trip I could have sworn it was 2003. I thought I'd been to Europe in 03 and 05 well either way whatever these we would go

There was a carbon monoxide detector. We would get into this very important routine every day where we would go to the beer halls and Just talk to people like that's what you did back then. Oh, yeah, there was no face face But it wasn't around yet. It was a long time ago and they're very social anyway. They're very social You sit down with people you don't know. They're just these big long benches And you're always sitting across from somebody from a different country or are they still though now that people have devices? Yeah, they're still okay. They still talk to you. Yeah, because the beer helps.

The beer helps a lot in the song, so I'll put it anyway. We met these awesome dudes who took us on a, like a whirlwind tour of all their local spots. I remember sitting going into some basements and sitting around like a round table with them and all of their friends. Yeah, the roll of background where you see like mobsters

playing cards, those kind of rooms. Yeah, those kind of rooms. And the next day, Sean and I got so trashed that we couldn't walk on the way home. We had to call a cab, but we couldn't speak either. So we were doing charades in the cab with this Iraqi cab driver to help us get back to the Euro youth hostel. You let the wrong end of a cigarette. I let the wrong end of a cigarette. And to my horror, I threw up in a urinal. I threw up in these guys urinal in like their private back room area that they were so

nice enough to show us to, we woke up the next day feeling like our skin was made out of cement. Like that awful feeling when you know you're, we're, we're, we're still extremely drunk. Our pores are, we've become mummified because we drank so much. And Sean, the first thing Sean says to me is, I threw up in a urinal and those guys bar, and I was like, wait a minute, both of us threw up in all of the urinals and those guys. Remember what they looked like too?

They were black and they were round like bowls. Yeah. So to us, out of our mind state, it might have looked like a sink or something, like I can only guess because they didn't look like American urinals. Oh, and it's the, the whole idea is disgusting because somebody had to scoop that out, right? Yeah.

Like, those guys, you know what that you eat in the beer halls too? Those who are talking huge pork shanks and all kind of, I mean, you know, it's not, it's not cool to throw up that kind of shit in a urinal. This is a disgusting episode, but those guys were nice enough to bring two Americans, two young Americans out to their private plays, and we repaid them by throwing up in both of their urinals. Right.

You wonder where they hate us? Yeah. There you go. Oh, they were cool. Remember when you, one of the guys that married a girl from Texas, when you called her? Yeah. She was not, she didn't, she was not funny.

No, not happy. And she wanted me to talk him out of joining the army. Oh, yeah. And you remember that? Yeah. Yeah. He was not having any of that. He had to go fight, was it bin Laden?

Is that who we were fighting at that point? Yeah. Yeah, because that was just after, it was a couple years up in the afternoon. Yeah. Two and a half hours had gotten attacked. Yeah. I don't, I wonder what happened to that point. Yeah, because that was just after it was a couple years recently after the twin towers had gotten attacked. Yeah, I don't, I wonder what happened to that guy. I don't mind. I got over there. I hope you didn't have to clean the urinals. I don't know. That's all I know. Cool people, but yeah, that was my not. CD Rod Riggas is RV. You remember afterwards? I, there was some old man out walking his dog. We're waiting for a cab on the corner and I just start barfing into the bushes.

Yeah. And you're giggling like a fucking idiot. That's funny. Yeah, the guy's got, I love seeing people throw up. Yeah, he's looking at me just a fucking horrified like, oh my god, like this guy is about as far gone as disgusting. Yeah, what a fucking sterile.

Worst look ever. Yeah, I love, it's so funny to me when people throw up because they're so helpless. Yeah. And they hate it and it's torture for them and they can't move. You could like fuck with them.

You could kick them over and stuff. You know what I'm saying? One of those weirdos, I don't mind throwing up because I always feel so much better. People will do anything they can, not to barf. That's true. And I'm just like, no, fuck it, man. Get it out of there.

Yeah. That's like the counterintuitive human nature thing. Like when you open your wallet, because you need a one and you're hoping for a one, like you're going through your wallet, hoping that the next 20 is a one and you see all these 20s and you're like, God damn it, nice problem to have.

Yeah, it is. But that's like you're thinking, this is bad. It's like throwing up anyway. You put your skin on. Keep your cash in order, baby, that's what is bad. It's like throwing up anyway. You could just keep your cash in order, baby. That's what I do. And there's never a question then. And then that night, I don't even want to get into that night. We had to sleep in the honeymoon suite in the same bed in this hotel that was in the middle of nowhere.

It was some other erotic letter coming on. No, you wouldn't believe this fucking place. This fucking place, Sean and I had been going all over Europe and I had been trying to speak Spanish with the Italians for us to get lodging. Like that was worked, which worked. Yeah, because I'm all right at it. Yeah. Like, hey, he spoke enough. Yeah, he spoke 10s a quarter or what? That's what I would just go up. 10s quartos are a me and me and meigo? Oh, yeah, just like that. Come on, save ah. Huh?

And I would do a little Migo. A little Migo. A Migo. Oh, you're too much. We got to a hotel where finally that didn't work. It was, we made it halfway back from Munich to Nice. I think is that where we were going? We're going back to Can.

We're going back to Can. Because in our shitty fee, that we rented like 600 miles, they're brought over there. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that fucking fee. And that was the last stretch of the trip that we didn't know if we could make in one go. And we woke up.

We woke up so hungover feeling like death that we went to, we just checked out of our hostel room and went to go sleep in the car in the parking garage. Yes. Because that car had like three feet of headroom. It was weird, it was as tall as it was wide. We're long. Yeah, it was fucking weird car. That's why no one fucking buys them, right?

Who are they making these cars for? A bunch of Abraham Lincoln's wearing top hat. Anyway, we wasted the whole day sleeping in the car. We made it halfway back to Cannes and we had, we were just done. It was getting so hung over. And we were fucking done, so we said, let's just find a hotel. Like you think you'd be able to do.

You're in, you're on a major highway. Let's just find a hotel. We've been doing hostels so far and it's been working out. So let's just pull over and find one fucker. We'll get there tomorrow. We pull over and there is nothing. It's like it was just farms. Like how the country?

It was way out in the country. There was absolutely. We must have driven around for an hour and a half, trying to find like a source of water, like pioneers to trace up to a fort or something like that. We finally found the weirdest hotel in the middle of nowhere that was set up like a compound. And it was new. It was everything that was grand new and it was built fucked.

Like everything was built weird and wrong and And things didn't fit together properly. So we were already weirded out because we're at an MC Escher painting. Yeah. And we're hung over his hell. Nope. And I'm trying to get us a room through like six inches of shadowed loose site.

Yeah. And you're like, what the fuck happens out here? Why do you have, why do you have, why do you have this? The roving bands of bandits? Like why do you need a gun shield? Why do you have, why do you have, why do you, the roving bands of, of bandits? Like, why do you need a gun shield? Why do you need the biggest gun shield I've ever seen in my fucking life, and I grew up and used a bank that was like the most robbed bank in California because it was right on top of a freeway.

Like, they solved that problem by not, by taking the driveway out. It's like, hey, this bank's been robbed 10xz in time. It's right next to a freeway. It's like, it looks, it's an easy bank to rob them. They put six pylons in the driveway out. It's like, hey, this bank's been robbed 10 zillion times. It's right next to a freeway. It's like, it looks, it's an easy bank to rob them. They put six pylons in the driveway, solved it forever, because people had to drive around a vans to get out. Anyway, that's what's going on at this hotel.

So we're already hung over shit and freaked out because this hotel needs lose sight. The woman doesn't understand my Spanish for some insane reason. I don't know why. I spoke at Perfecto Mento. She gives us, she gives, like, I keep saying two people and she's saying weird Italian gibberish to me

that I don't understand, but I see that she's trying to communicate something important. Like, get out, leave now, we're still alive. Like, I'm like, what is, what are you trying to tell me that's not just giving me the keys and taking my money?

Why is there a, do you think she was asking for two beds? Sean, don't spoil the story. I'm not. I'm just asking if she was in room accommodation. As you say that now,

I'm wondering if she was asking me something like that. Did she try to hand you with the key, a carbon monoxide detector. We didn't have carbon monoxide back in those days. That was people would just die. To put our Facebook Larry Duh. If you died of carbon monoxide back in 2003, they would just put leeches on you.

They're like, I don't know how this guy died. We hadn't discovered carbon monoxide deaths, right? Yeah. Yeah, right. So we get, I get the key, and we pull into a garage in the room we're staying at, which is more weird. Like, I don't know about you,

but I've never stayed in a hotel that has a garage, like a single condo garage attached to it. But it didn't shut, did it? It was like a car port, more. I don't, I think it did shut. Because weren't we concerned about, weren't we concerned about, we were concerned about our shit getting ripped off

if we left anything in the car. Oh yeah. Well, we had been doing that the whole trip because we were staying in hostels. And you know, I remember us being really paranoid about it though. At that night, yeah, with the ball of the roof last and all that. Because of the loosed side and all in the compound and the razor, wire and shit.

So we get out of the car. We bring our stuff up to the room. And it's on one of those, it's one of those systems where you plug in the key and the lights turn on. Like they don't work unless you have the key in, you know, that system. I plug the key in and everything that was lit up from the last person who left lights.

I plug the key in and boom, black lights up from the last person who left lights, I plugged the key in. And boom, black lights all over the room. Like a spread of black lights, a rectangle of black lights. What is it called when it's in the side of the wall, like the little designs that are in the floorboards? Black lights along the floorboards are illuminating one single bed, a giant king size bed with a mirror above it. So you remember that? How could I forget? So Sean and I are, I just, I just, I just, what are, I said, well, I guess we're gay now. Yeah.

We're both going to sleep in this bed. Sean goes, I go to lay on the bed because I'm exhausted. Sean goes to the bathroom. And as I lay down, I lay to lay on the bed because I'm exhausted. Sean goes to the bathroom. And as I lay down, I lay down facing the wall. I see through a, it was like a one, it was like a shaded panel of glass that watched through the shower all the way into the bathroom.

I don't even know if it was shaded. It was just, it was an erotic glass that we're like, what in the fuck is going on here? They set us up in some kind of weird Italian bang room. Yeah, honeymoon suite. Oh, and it wasn't marked as honeymoon. There was nothing unusual about it. That was just the room. Like for all we know, every single room in that place was designed thusly, like an erotic escape for two men.

As I'm saying this, I'm realizing maybe she was asking like two people who are going to have sex or two people because I never heard the word she was saying. And we've been going around for like nine days. I was pretty used to the transaction of like, of what they're saying to you. I give you one of you, give me a place to sleep. And then you tell me the time, the checkout time, and so we get in there, we're already weirded out.

I remember when we laid down, first of all, we had to go on close your eyes shifts while the other guy was showering. Like you were showering, I'm like, well, I guess there's so many fucking mirrors in here. Yeah. If I turn my head wrong, I might see Sean's dick in the shower. So I'm just gonna face the corner like the Blair Witch.

Yeah. And wait until Sean's done showering, like, I don't want to accidentally see his dick. And there was no, we didn't have laptops back in the day. So I couldn't, I couldn't absorb myself in any technology. I guess not. No, there was just maps. And I was, I'm sick of looking at the maps. I'm like, well, and I don't know how back in the day. So I couldn't, I couldn't absorb myself in any technology. I guess not. No, there was just maps. And I was sick of looking at the maps.

I'm like, well, and I don't know how to work the TV. I drove the whole time, you navigated the whole time. Yeah, it was perfect. So I'm sitting there, we're taking turns doing the Blair Witch showering exchange. When we're done, we hit the sack, look up into the mirror. We look up at the mirror and like, you just see you and your friend laying in this bed

is very uncomfortable. I can't stress how weirded out we were at the whole place. It was so bizarre. We're like, what are we, it didn't seem like reality. No, it didn't. And then all fucking night, we hear crinkling in the walls. Like wax paper, like tissue paper being crumpled, like this erratic crumpling and crinkling.

It was, it had to be too big for vermin. Like it was a sound, I've heard vermin scampering around in the walls, but this was definitely paper crinkling. It sounded the next day. It was really irregular too. Very irregular. That was, it was that and this kind of rhythmic squeaking out the window, like someone scraping a rake down the window.

Yeah. Yeah. Like it turned out, I think we figured out that it was oil dyrics. No, it was just some weird little water pump out in the fucking field. Oh, yeah. That's a short little rusted thing. And the crinkling we never figured out. No, I think it was people wrapping trinkets.

Yes, because there was going to be some kind of a show in this weird little town the next day. I think that's what it was. I think you found that. There was a convention. I remember seeing billboards for a convention, like they the wrapping like the pottery or some shit like that, but you never heard them talk. You heard like the sound of little bubble wrap squeaking.

And and and yes, and tissue paper and stuff like that. I would God it was fun. And we never found out what it was. And it drove it kept us up all night. And every time you would open your eyes, because you heard something weird, I would see Sean fucking laying right next to me with his eyes wide open, like just staring at the mirror.

My God, this is, we drank too much. That's what happened. And then we, and we never drank again. That's, that's, that's story. Dustin, does that answer your question? God, that was fucking good. So that, that question from David Torrey. I think we should have a new Patreon goal, which is when we hit a certain number, we send

you to on a European top gear style journey and just like record your adventures on the road because that's just fucking incredible. I would mind doing a live shows somewhere. Oh, I know. It's doing live shows. Okay. So we finished. start at one second, Dustin. We could start that locally in LA. Sure.

Equipment couldn't get any worse. So maybe they can set a set of set with a local show you're saying? Yeah, I think that would be fun. I think that would be awesome. Let's see, get some beers out there. Donation based. You take a beer, you put a little money in the bucket. That's how these comedy theaters think they're scirting the law.

They say, oh, you can don't, suggested donation, three dollars. It's like, you don't think that they, you don't think that that doesn't fly. They know that trick. You can't say suggested donation, three dollars, take it anyway. Dustin, go ahead, what do you got next?

Next question from Daniel Asgu. What role would you play in a post apocalyptic setting? Would you try to recreate society, make a band of raiders to loot and pillage? For that matter, what would be your ideal post apocalyptic setting? Zombie apocclips? Why 2K? The rapture. Oh, well, the rapture. Yeah, rapture for sure.

For obvious reasons, right? Because then I would know that I've been wrong the whole time. And if there is a guy. I was about to say, because there's no more assholes around. Because they all get taken to heaven. Yeah, that would be the best way. And then I want to know, like, oh, I'd rather just,

even if I'm wrong on that one, I'd like to know. Like, oh, you son of a bitch, you were up there after all. You were up there after all doing all this horseshit the whole time. This was all your, this is stupid plan. That would make me even more bitter about actually. Jokes on me. I would like to say that I would be some kind of,

like leader of a band of, of, of, of Miss Creeance or criminals or bandits or something like that, but I'll tell you what would actually happen in an apocalypse is the same thing that happens to be now where people are just haranging me to fix shit all day. That's what would really, what would really happen in the apocalypse is absolutely nothing.

It would be, hey Dick, hey Dick, the water purifier thing stopped working. Can you come over and say, well, did you reboot it? Like, did you, did you, can you just jiggle it a little bit? What happened to the water purifier? We can't record the podcast, the shit's not working.

I'm trying to do a post-abocalyptic podcast over here. You can't fix the water thing on your own. What were you doing all day? What were you doing all day that you didn't watch me fix it last time? You were there when it did the little gear popped off. That's what you got to do. You just got to plug the little gear. This is what I would be doing while the actual bandits

were out there setting up to raid my camp and take all my shit. It's fixing water purifiers and electric, I don't know, whatever else you have in an apocalypse. Larry, what would you be doing in an apocalypse? Well, I'd prefer the Rapture scenario. Yeah. And I would hope I would just vanish from behind the wheel of my car at a high rate of speed on the 405 You don't have it? Oh, yeah, baby. It's let me out there. Yeah, yeah, I've been a good boy pretty much So good for you. Yeah, keeping the nuts on the dog. That's exactly that's a that's a holy mission in itself

Is it not? But the apocalypse would be fun. I mean, I mean, it's all, it's all it is now really. It can see as people are obsessed with a zombie shit and it's just a reason to, you know. Imagine killing people. Exactly. That's what it is. That are real people.

That are real people. You get to kill your neighbors if they're zombies. All right, what else you got? Does, let's do one more. It's a little therapeutic. One more here from Tess Lynch. She wants to know, what's the right way to ask for nudes? I got two new ones just today,

but I'm more curious about conning women into it. She wants to ask women for nudes. That's what she says. You know, I've, you gotta start, you gotta boil the frog slowly, asking for nudes. You know, you gotta get a picture of their face, you gotta lead them into it. Get a picture of them. You've never asked a woman for nudes,

Larry. I'm guessing because they just offered. Right? That's what you have to do. If you're going to push it, just make them, you know, it's like Michael Jackson, right? He had all that, that pedophile porn to try to like make the children comfortable with the idea of weird pedophilia. Did you have pedophile porn? Oh, yeah. They found a cash beyond the imagination that is had. He had all kinds of sick stuff, really disappointing, right?

You hoped he was innocent the whole time, but turns out he was guilty of sell. Um, those bubbles, the chimp in any of it as well. I don't know. I only read the head for that. I know. But you got a boil, get them used to the idea just by slinging some pictures around, you know? How do you look in this outfit?

It's still like that. And then they catch on. Once they feel comfortable, they'll start up in the anti if you, if you've been priming them properly, right? There's your answer. Sure answer. All right, buddy. Good stuff. Yeah, I got Tim Chang sent in some drops for you. He did. Yeah, he wanted to tell you about that. You want

to hear him? We should have played these before. Some drops that I'm sure will piss off for the louder these going to be. I haven't heard him. Probably loud. They're Tim Chang. Another one. Dustin! Here's another one. Tim, Tim, Tim. Dustin, from Scranton, Panton Vane. I like that one. Dustin! Dustin! Dustin! Dustin!

Dustin! That one's horrible. That's my favorite. That's your favorite. Alright, Dustin. Just a quick note, I had a talk with Tim Changs and he said that he is going to come on the show whenever you want. Well, he says that, but then I ask him to come on and he says, I can't do September because I'm shooting a web series or something. No, no, it was August.

He couldn't do August. He can't come on September. He needs a whole month. Tim Chang needs an entire month to come on the show because he says, oh, I'm getting a song ready. And I don't want to come on until then. Tim, just cut, what the fuck are you talking about? Like he's the most in-demand comedian on Earth

at this moment. He can't come on a show and just sit around and say like 10 things. He should have for people saying no for him. Yeah, I mean, really, I've probably pushed his entire project back by a couple of weeks. So, yeah, I'm aware of the Tim Chang situation. He's like, go ahead. He does have that camcorder show.

I don't know if you saw. He's been auctioning off his friends to go on dates, his friends that are girls, which I think he stole that from us. I don't know, I don't know what I was doing at the end of the show. All right, let's let Larry, thanks for coming by. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being a pleasure, Dick. Sorry for the audio issues.

Thank you for standing by. Which is what happened. I actually liked the click track. It was kind of, you did, you liked it? All right, you got anything to plug? Last time I totally hosed you. Oh know, not at this time, but I'll be back with something. All right, Larry Blightner author of Mac Daddy, check it out. It's the ultimate guide to being a man and a father. You know, you want to raise your kids right? You need that book. Amazon, baby,

anytime. Check it out. Good reviews. It did get good review there's some nasty ones there's gonna be always gonna be that's good yeah there are no neutral ones and that's good I tell you know interesting people are really yeah if you get nasty reviews all right there's been the I got some voicemails, do you? Yeah, a bunch of people called in about Mark Marin. Yeah, Mark Marin told me to call this number to tell him how he's a huge fucking retard. He's really bad at Twitter, so I hope he gets the message. I hope he gets that message too. Good afternoon, Mr. Maren. This is Langley Smurfington with Tuckled Nest, the only biweekly magazine by Cux4Cux.

I'm just calling to confirm your order of a 10-year subscription and confirm this is the correct contact phone number please let us know if you have any questions and remember keep calm and cuck on oh my god i like the calling about an order bit yeah that's fine now calling to confirm an order here's a this is a birth simons i've got an amazon delivery here for a mr mark maran i believe it's a micro size penis pump. I

Here that's giving a call back when you get the champ Let's see. Well, so I got I got some for Dustin Uh-oh. Hey dick. This is me grunk. I Just wanted you to know that I hate Dustin. That's about it. You have yourself a great day. But then you got Dustin, you got a lot of defenders too, don't you? I don't get the animus. Me either. But see, I'm not in these forums. I don't do anything. I don't know if there's

like what kind of power struggle there is or what, how much a moderator means or what not. I think it's, Dustin, are you still on? Because I have a theory about this. It's pretty much just the Reddit. And I had stepped down from moderator a couple weeks ago on the Reddit. I think it's been pretty, I think for every hater, there's been somebody who says, hey, you know what, it's, we like it, it's been pretty good. So I think you've got a natural sales guy.

Yeah. Like, like, kind of pitch. Like, like, I, I, I, I don't, I wish you weren't getting hated on. No, it's suited. That's the internet. That's a part of it. It's good.

I think Dustin's got a bit of a divisive personality similar to a stereos. Like, because Dustin, you're a very positive guy. I am pretty positive, yeah. And people kind of hate that, you know? Yeah. Well, they do, yeah. Everyone lives in this state of negativity.

And when they get a little bit of positivity, it's just, it fucks their whole day out. Like, I have that and I hear it. When you say that, it makes that part of my brain kind of pissed off. Like I can absolutely fucking rage. But you're a positive, I mean you've got a family. I do.

That's the difference between you and a guy who is not a positive guy, right? Like, I have a fucking family. You can live one on the horizon. You've lived in that state of pure fucking just negativity. Those are the guys who put fucking guns there, Ed. That's true. I'm really going to miss doing that on the iPhone.

Yeah. Pull up on the side of the road, walk 10 steps in the woods and blow their fucking brains out. Okay, let me see if I can get some more of these voicemails. Hey, Chad. It's me. Every girl you apparently know. Oh my God.

I am just so happy. You could take me on the show. The voice fry. You know how much it makes me happy to go on the show. I've noticed that too. Yeah, you know what I said too? Yeah, because people don't. Can you fix it with Melodyne or something? It's not a pitch thing.

It's a texture thing. It's a, yeah. It's a, yeah, and it's not a pitch thing. It's just that they get a plug-in for that or something. Yeah, somebody make that. Put that 60- minutes secret interview thing on their voice like a horror you know that a lot of people just trail off the ends of their sentences they don't like keep supporting it with their voice so it kind

of croaks okay here you guys all right dick it's king cricket again the guy you're always ignoring here you go I got something for you you made me a rage in the latest episode when you were telling people that you should just go around being a man-hor until you're freaking 30 years old. Dick, when you're 30 years old, that's when your sperm is starting to go bad. That is not when you want to be starting to look for something serious. You want to be long married by that point, Dick. So look at guys like 23. something serious you want to be long married by that point dick so i think i was like twenty three real men were allowed to be real men

got married when they were young like you're supposed to when you're still at full potency that does not last along gick masters and pote and you got kids when you're seventy family a family man i can see the finger wagging you want to go do that before your guys start becoming less effective and start being at a higher risk of passing the long burst effects to your offspring. Is that true? I don't think what he's saying is true, is it? By the time a guy is 30,

that by the time a guy is thirty begging your girl is about as likely to make birth defects in all spring if you were like a twenty-year-old guy bang your sister that's put that in perspective actually neither one is asking this can't but it's still there so a lot of information now uh... web md what's going on

uh... go back to there we go you brought it on uh... It's a lot of information now. It's on WebMD, what's going on? Go fuck yourself. Yeah, go fuck yourself. Okay, there we go. He brought it home. All right. Yeah, I don't know what to say to that. It shows you're spanned at all, I mean. Yeah. It doesn't D&M mutating all the time as...

Insist, I mean, it just, there's... I don't think your sperm goes bad. I don't know. I don't act here, though. I know, yeah. It's more, I think it's more likely if a woman has a baby too old that you'll get pregnant. Yes, that happens. I thought guys could have babies until they're like seven days. Well, the Italian part of my family has kids like in their 50s and 60s.

Yeah. They just can't fucking stop. All right. Sean, that's racist. It's true. you