The Dick Show - Episode 134 - Dick on Revenge of the Apostrophe

Episode Date: December 25, 2018

The funniest voicemail ever played, boob reveal GIFs that take too long, Winner's Drink and the apostrophe that came back from the dead, Patreon, credit cards, and the war on free will, an erotic Xmas poem from a real man, the Army and Israel, when to use steroids, Dr. Matt gives Facebook users medical advice, someone takes me up on my d*ck pic weight loss challenge, a $400 bidet, and my altercation at the bank; all that and more on The Dick Show!

I'm just trying to arrange my notes here. I got a lot of advice stuff. It's coming out on Christmas, so. Yeah, let's just relax. Right. Time to relax and show. Maybe this will keep you from killing your family. Or...

Oh. I can't wait to hear the voicemails about what happened over Christmas from all these guys, though. Yeah, there's... Need to. There's always hilarity when family members get together. I mean, it's not funny at the time, but, you know, and, you know, 20 years down the road,

you're like, oh, it's so funny when Uncle Watt's a stand got shot. It's so funny. Yeah, we're, I died right under the tree. I died under the tree. Right under the tree. Right under the tree. It's great. I mean, you couldn't script this shit.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, okay. Ha ha ha ha. Didn't even open his present. Ha ha ha ha ha. I took him back. Yeah, right.

We turned it. I was gonna keep him. I was for a memorial, but then I thought, you know, I'm f**king back. I'm taking him back. What the hell is that? Oh, can you shut off that switch? I was gonna keep him, I was for a memorial, but then I thought, you know, I'm taking him back. What the hell is that? Oh, can you shut off that switch?

It's the sprinklers got all fucked up because the clock got swapped. I see. It's very important to reduce the explanation to as few words as possible. Regarding what? But No, regarding what? But no, regarding what just happened there. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's got all fucked up, it's not as too simple. Got all fucked up, clock, switched around.

That's plenty. Well, that gives enough information to where the person you're giving that information to will not want to ask a follow-up question, and they'll just do it. Yeah. It got fucked up. Bags of follow-up questions. Yeah, I'll just do it. Yeah, it got fucked up. Bags of follow-up question.

It's very important when you explain why things are messed up to give as much information as someone needs to know not to ask a follow-up question. No, you're right, because then they would go, well, like, what got fucked up? But you said, a clock. Okay, they can extrapolate that. I've had a clock get fucked up before.

Got it. No further, it got fucked up. Like, well, maybe it was something I did. Can I help in this? Oh, a clock. Yeah, no problem. Got it. No further, it got fucked up. Like, well, maybe it was something I did. Can I help in this? Oh, a clock. Yeah. No problem. I'll shut it off. Very important.

The, it's true. Efficiency in communication. That's, as a man, you hit a certain age in your life. And the rest of your life just becomes about reducing the amount of contacts with other people to the bare essential minimum. I was reading something about a, like a, you know, what linguistics professor. Sure. That's what they're ready.

Great enough information. Reading something. No, linguistics professor. About people in New York and how everything is so fast that it's perfectly acceptable not to finish your obvious sentences in New York because the other person already knows what you're talking about. So it's just a quick and efficient that way where it happens because you have so many interactions,

there's fucking 50 billion people packed together like Sardines. Yeah. And it's like you just don't need to finish the sentence if the end of the sentence is already fairly obvious. I would kill for that kind of arrangement here. Yeah. It's just a thing that's worked its way in. I feel so out of place in Hollywood when people ask you what you're working on

and then wait, like, oh, so what do you do like podcasts? Right. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you want more from me? Yeah, I mean, yeah. And then, but then they're waiting to give you the spiel too. Because the amount that I give them authorizes them to give me that amount.

And then they'll fudge it a little bit and take a little bit of a mile more. Right, right. Just one man, just one man trying to keep control of this stuff, Sean. That's a pretty good cold open. Merry Christmas, everyone. All right, here we go.

Let's start the show. Holy shit! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Presenting. Oh. Yeah! Welcome to dig! You want dig, you need dig, you love dig, you got it. So, show! We're everything in the contest, give me a few lives from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of Philly, rhyme, your host of $20 million, man! Recently voted... America's back to Mexican for the 11th week, I'm your host of $20 million man. Recently voted America's Backstab Mexican

for the 11th week running. You're 11 last week. A 12th week running. I'm your host, Dick Mash, it's an AK of the $20 million man. I rushed it to try to beat the theme song. Beat the theme. That's my new game, beat the theme.

With the intro, so I've flubbed it up a little bit with me as always is Sean the audio engineer. Hello, Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? Mary Christmas. Mary Christmas to you. Mary Christmas. We Christmas to you. Mary Christmas.

We're pretending it's Christmas right now because this show comes out on Christmas day. It's never happened before. So we're doing entertainment and pretending that we're at Christmas right now with you, the listener, who is listening on Christmas. So Sean and I are living in the present, which is the future for us, but is the present for you. I hope you're listening to this with family members who are hearing this for the first time.

Why do you listen to this fucking show, let's say? Yeah. One episode, one 34. I didn't think it would happen. One 34, really? Yeah, I didn't think it would happen because I was pretty sure, I was 99% sure that I was gonna kill myself this week, 99.9% sure.

That's great. Oh, just definitely gonna kill myself this week. Definitely. Okay. That's it. Too much. I've had too much. All that shit I said about, you know, not going to green, Linnuth anti.

I forget it. I got it. I'm doing it. Well, I'm going through that. I can't remember. I can't remember. I can't remember. I can't remember. Advice advice only for other people.

Never, ever take your own advice. Never for fuck's sake. Well, no, that's good for them. Doesn't apply to you. Circumstances are different. Well, why? Well, because it's me. I don't want to do that what I said to do.

No, I said that in a moment of, I said that in a moment of strength. Yeah, you know, it's not for me. Right, no, that was one moment. When somebody comes to you and asks for advice, you ask them for advice, because you'll probably be doing what they're about to do when it happens to you, right?

That's everything always works backwards though. Backwards. Hey, look, cards. What I have in my hand is the Christmas sensation and sold out, sold out game called Winners Drink that I created as a Christmas gift for Patreons of the show, Patrons of the show, printed it, shipped it just in time

for, just in time for Christmas. That's a shrink wrap, nicely. Here, take a look at it. I'm gonna toss it to you. Take a look at that, beautiful. It looks like a professional product. Look at that. And the gold, go ahead.

That's cool. It's got a gold TDS sticker like you would use, almost like the modern version of a wax seal on an envelope. Very professional. Very little expense. I spared almost no expense. Take almost no expense. Take, open it up, open it up, see the quality.

Sold out. I got to tell you. Sold out, which means, you know, I have no fingernails. You'll figure it up, see the quality. Sold out, I gotta tell you, sold out, which means, you know, I have no fingernails. You'll figure it out while I talk about. I was getting a blow job when this happened, and I recovered from it only to find that winner's drink had sold out as one of the top selling Christmas gifts

for men this season, which means drumroll winner's drink outsold Fuck whales Maddox's book in the span of three weeks before the first copy even shipped John Fennelman even shipped winner's drink outsold Fuck whales because it is not is the risk. I took a risk and created something that people and men and listeners of the Show actually want which is a spiteful Reimagining of a card game of the card game cards against humanity that you want to play that you will want to play with your friends And play again, and it will get you into fights and it will get you in trouble with women

And it will cause problems in your life It's a great kicked out of bars It will give you stories to tell for years to come. I have created it and it is outsold fuck whales. The awful boring, terrible rehashed imagination of what Maddox's life could have been 10 years ago if he had chopped his dick off. Then like he did now, congratulations to me. Thank you everyone. Phenomenal. Winner's trick now if you'll just do me a favor. This will legit.

Thank you if you'll just do me one little favor and flip over one of the cards. Yeah. And pay very close special attention to the back of the card. If you'll just do that for me now, I feel like I'm performing a magic trick of failure. Okay. Sean, if you will pay. Yeah. I know exactly what that is. That's fucking awesome. I'm performing a magic trick of failure. Okay. Sean, if you will pay, yeah.

I know exactly what that is. That's fucking awesome. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's not a good thing. Look harder. Look harder. Look harder. Do you know what the game is about winners, plural, drinking. We got well, but I remember that happened in Munich, right? It's the S the apostrophe S. Oh, I was looking at the smashing of the time. So was I. Yeah. So was I when I so was I when I proved it was a call back. I was riding the most beautiful

wave of success. This game that I had put so much thought into an effort and we all hate doing effort. Everyone, ladies and gentlemen, I hate effort more than anything, but I really tried to craft something beautiful. Did you do the artwork? Clay Burton did. And I read Jared Smells. They all, everybody got their pack on one day. They all arrived. That is heartbreaking. Look at the front of the box. Look at the front of the box, Sean.

The front of the box. Oh, oh, the eye, her knee. I was at lunch. I was at lunch. I was at lunch having a nice, a nice, what is that, a Marrakech sandwich? What is it called? Mast, the Louisiana, Marrakeata sandwich. Some kind of sandwich from the Bayou.

Moffalata. Moffalata, that's it. Thank you, Sean. Always Johnny. Always Johnny on the spot with the corrections. Where were you on this one, buddy? Where were you on winners? I never saw it.

Winner apostrophe. I was at that one dickhead. I was at the cafe. My lovely habitat cafe, blending in with the schmucks and the hipsters and the fuck-leavis and the assholes, blending in, wearing my skin, wearing my human skin and participating in society and having a civilized lunch and just waiting for the accolades to roll in from everyone's satisfied, all the satisfied Christmasthec heads who got their copies of Winner's Drink and are ready to go out and make trouble.

Because that's what the game is about, making trouble and I'm sitting there going, oh, here we go. Everybody's getting their packages in the mail. They're opening them up and they're taking pictures. They're also happy. I'm retweeting and then Jared smells. Jared's got their packages in the mail. They're opening them up and they're taking pictures. They're also happy.

I'm retweeting and then Jared smells. Jared Johnson says, hey, Dick, I ordered winner's drink. Got winner apostrophe S drink. I'm reporting you to the IRS and I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Please be a joke. No, no, no, no, I look at the picture. The art on the website, winners, no apostrophe drink.

The art on his printed card is winner apostrophe S. Drink. I can't believe we're doing the show today. And I put, that's exactly what I started out saying. I was shy, said, well, I'm dead. I started, I put my head down on the table in the middle of the cat, I put my head down. I just put my head down and went in the muffle of the sandwich. Right in the sandwich.

I didn't stop for like 10 minutes. The waitress came on and she's like, are you okay? I was like, what should we call someone? Sir? No, don't call my mom. No, don't call her. I don't want to know what a huge embarrassing failure her son has become.

Oh. That's what I get for making fun of land out so much. It's fucking hilarious that it's an apostrophe. That's insane. It's the collector's edition, Noah apostrophe. That's what I'm calling it. It's the multiple's edition, no apostrophe. That's what I'm calling it. It's the multiple collectors. The great magnet is real.

Just a little evening out. I drove around the rest of the day, was lived in a zombie like haze, the likes of which I haven't recovered from and I have never felt before in my life, because then people started making fun of me. Oh, no, I did do this. No. I'm looking for something much more obvious, like the Stein smashing together, like went like, that's not winning.

Oh, I guess no, it's the one, one Stein is intact and the other one is broken and defeated. That's the visual on that. Oh, I guess it is, yeah, yeah. I guess I won it. Suttily, but not so shattered that it looks dangerous. Right. This is all by design.

The way this happened is, I'm so fucking pissed about it because it's no one's fault. It's my fault. I'm trying to be very Japanese about this. You know what we learned on this show? That the Japanese do not say someone broke something. They say the thing is broken. Yeah.

No blame. The thing broke itself. The apostrophe apostrified itself. Right, that's how it got there. You imagine if every country that went to war talked like that. Look, some war just started itself. I mean, some tanks were rolled over some land.

I mean, I wish that we did talk like that. The, what, how, how are you guys in this war? Well, wars just, I mean, the wars are there. Yeah, we're not gonna make a fight in it. Right, what is happening? Have a war with no people? Yeah. You idiot.

Yeah. It makes so much more sense than the way we talk about war now. Yeah. I was gonna talk about this later but that that eye patch man Puckin patches the new congressman from Texas. Oh The lone ranger I don't think I've seen him fucking rusted cogburn the congressman from Texas now whose quote was well We go fight them so that they don't come here.

Like, motherfucker, I hope we find some, I hope we find Muslims on another planet someday, so you can see how stupid that sounds. How's a guy with, how's a guy with the, no, but then there's a, they can't fight us here. Just the rymory of that makes me know you're lying. Oh, yeah. Clay Burton, the artist, very first drawing of this game, very first conception of the game. He draws the logo and

just throws in winner apostrophe S drink. He goes, Hey, is it a apostrophe or no apostrophe? It was back very beginning, very beginning, we first start working on it. And I said, not it's no apostrophe. He's like, God, it fixed, altered, it changed it. It was that way forever. You don't understand. I suck at editing. I can't tell if something is correct or not. So I like to get other piece.

So the night before these printed, 80s girl and I, 80s girls is a teacher who has an eye for being a paint, yeah, just looks, that's kind of her core competency. It's just looking for mistakes, I would say. Me not so much, I like to give the benefit, you know, I'm a lot like Jesus. Just like to see the good in people, right? Or not the case, only mistakes.

Different Jesus. A different, yeah, different kind of house. Yeah, I mean, you know. So we sat there for good two hours, different, different, different kind of things. So we sat there for good two hours, making every card, going over it, reading it, making sure it was completely accurate, submitting it to the website, looking at the proofs, making sure everything

was completely accurate, right? And at the 11th hour, the company prints out a test run and says, well, we don't have the tolerances to get the borders like you want them to. Yeah. Remember me telling this story? Yes, I do. With a board like a magic card where there's a black border around the car. So you might have a one side, might have a black border, a little bit of a one and the other one would not because it's off. Yeah. So you said, well, that's going to look like shit. Right.

So the last thing I want is something to look like a mistake. That wasn't a mistake. So I got to read, in the middle of the night, this is, I've got one day to ship before Christmas. In the middle of the night, I've got to fix all of the cards, right? So I said, Clayman, emergency, I need a version of the card without the black border. So I can go through, re-export, rebuild everything and then I'm already in a panic now because this is when mistakes happen.

Yeah, sure. I'm seeing the challenger exploding in my head. The whole time I'm doing this, I just see, challenger, Hindenburg, Hillary Clinton looking at those balloons. Oh, no, no, no, no, get out of my head. I get the failure hallucinations are already upon me. As I rebuild, as I redo all this work, but in a hurry,

paying obsessive attention to every detail, right? So he must have pulled, he pulled the original artwork. Yeah, pulled it back in for the back of the card. Yeah, for the back of the card. Yeah. For the back of the card. Yeah, for the back of the card. Yeah. For the back of the card, Sean. The excuse me.

That's a rough one. Excuse me. The re-original art was pulled. It was pulled. It was pulled in. Right. And it's not as fault. I know this.

It's my fault. It's those, you know what it is? It's those goddamn you know what it is? It's those God damn, it's those God damn Chinese running the factories and, and their, their lack of attention to detail that caused this. It's fucking China. Made in China has fucked me yet again, because they don't know, they don't know apostrophes over there. They don't have anything. Oh, they have, are drawings. They have, they don't, they don't have property over there. So they don't have anything. All they have are drawings. All they have are. They don't have property over there. So they don't understand what a apostrophe even is.

Right. Usually drawings of little tic-tac toeboards and things like that that they have. I did, I did think I was like, well, I can't live this down. I'm just gonna kill myself. Yeah, that's a rough one. I walked into traffic, but I kept screwing it up.

I kept jumping out of the way of the car. Oh, yeah. Damn, I can't even get this right. Try to shoot myself, but knows I bought a bunch of blanks. I was holding the gun the wrong way, shooting with my thumb, point of thought. Oh man, I can't even get this wrong. Better luck next year.

Try to get some helium. Why'd you try to get helium? This is a good way to kill yourself, paint. Really? Yeah. Well, I thought, try, I just floated away. Yeah. Talking in a high voice for 20 hours.

Yeah, I put it in my car. I knocked the top off, and then my car just floated away. Like Charlie and the Greek glass elevator. Not shit. Can't even get this right. So there you go, folks. I'm going to reprinting now, because we did out sell Maddox's book, and this will be forever known as the Collector's Edition

with the apostrophe and Noah apostrophe and collectors, because that's the joke, obviously. Yes. Mm-hmm. Oh, I've got some spicy news for you that I wanna read right away. Oh. A gentleman named Adam Hickey has taken me up

on the Jamie Motivation offer. Oh, yeah. He says Hickey has taken me up on the Jamie motivation offer. Oh, yeah. He says, I'm not, he says that he's 345. He weighs 345 right now. He's 31 years old. That's a quintal weight. Yeah. Yeah. How about that? I wonder if that's true. Or if he just, if he thought it was catchy. Yeah, maybe he thought it was catchy. The scale said 344, but he's got like, he's fat and he has autism. He's like, ah, 345. 345, I'm definitely 345, 345.

I'm definitely 345. I'm not gonna keep living like this, he says. One year from today, well, no, that's probably a true state. One year from today, I'll wait 200 pounds. Wow. Or you pull the trigger and show every hot girl on the internet my little acorn relax. It's a grower, not a shower. And I have quite the fupa. Love the show, dude. Thanks for being funny and awesome. And he has sent me a picture of his flaccid penis. Damn. That is my deal. Yeah. That's my commitment

to men bettering themselves is you send me your flaccid penis and your weight loss goal. And if you do not achieve it with proof, yeah, I will show your penis to Jamie Lynn Hughes and make fun of it. It's a great motivator, great motivator. No one. I'm betnottis. That is cruel and unusual punishment by any standard of the term. Yeah, I'm betting on him. So good luck, good luck, Adam. 200 is kind of low though. Maybe.

Well, I mean, 234. Hopefully, he's reasonable. Yeah, 234 way more than 234. Yeah, I wonder if that's a, if that would be a good weight for him. Maybe he's a big guy or maybe that's really, really difficult. I don't know, that's, I would hope he thought about it

a little bit. I was on Madcooks' show this week. Yeah. It was fun. That's a good show. It feels a lot like the biggest problem. Oh yeah. Yeah, those guys, they carried on with that show when it died. Good. They both bring in two things

and talk about it, tab and his co-host. This is a lot of fun. Yeah. I brought in in two things and talk about it. Tab and his co-host. This is a lot of fun. Yeah. I brought in, which I'll complain about now. Tab brought in lack of curiosity. Yeah. You know, he's dating. He's in the dating world now.

And he's having trouble or he's coming to find that no one cares about you or what you do and they don't and they're not interested in asking you anything about yourself until you have demonstrated that you can provide value to them in some ways. I brought in a boob reveal gifs that take too long to get to the boobs. Yeah. You have you ever seen these? Yeah. Okay.

You're always, your pornography habits are always a mystery to me. Because when I think about you, I think of you like reading like a lithographs of pornography. I'm like, because I don't like cartoon porn. Yeah. I think like, well, then what well then, what do you like, like, etchings, like those old, sepia-flavored pictures of women in, like, tubs where you can see, like, a side of their tits?

People have hanging in their bathrooms. Yeah, that's why I imagine you beat off to. Yeah, like, with a cigar, cave drawings, huffing out, like, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, being off to a sepia. I look at encyclopedias of cave artwork. Yeah. Well, anyway, I'm a man of sophistication and taste.

So I like watching the boob reveal gifs on Reddit. And what I found is God, God damn it. Some of them, some of those chicks just do not understand how to do it. And they take, I have seen a woman pull up a sweater to show her tits, pull up a shirt. There is still a bra underneath. I'm thinking, lady, well that's not showing your tits.

And then finally, I don't even I mean, I don't even know if she does ever show the tits or not. Cause it's already, I've already been sitting there for 20 seconds, for 20 seconds trying to beat off. I mean, give me a break. What do you got a whole plot line with your sweater and your shirt? This has become the vagina monologues

where you're peeling off layers of yourself. You've taken so long to show me your tits that I for that I remembered you're a real person on the other side of this. And then that's ruined. Then what am I supposed to do? And then some of them will go so slowly that I think I've not even I think I've been tricked and I'm not even looking at a gif right now. Yeah, it's just a picture.

This is just a picture that some cock bag is uploaded of a woman with her fingers hooked up under a chair. Yeah. Come on. Come on, ladies. And these are, they're getting upvoted by people, Sean. That's the worst part. Well, just reinforces the bad reveal happens.

What are you guys upvoting? Yeah. This is a, you're upvoting a, a URL. This isn't, you don't need to compliment a URL needlessly. No, if those tits aren't out in five seconds, that will be a no from me, dog. I'm starting to think they're a trick that I'm staring at this goddamn tit reveal for so long.

Slender Man is behind me ready to attack me. It's like one of those magic eye books. Yeah, I'm scared of this tit reveal. Slender Man is behind me ready to attack me. It's like one of those magic eye books. Yeah. He's supposed to scream. I'm staring at this tit. I'm staring at it. You just staring at it long enough, you just see a huge shlong. Gotcha.

Yeah. I'm staring at these tits for so long. I'm thinking about Cox. Fuck. Yeah. You got me again with your 3D eye boob drop jiffs. Yeah. Come on, you bitches.

And they sneak them in too. It's like know, you bitch. And they sneak them into, it's like that, I like that old saying, if there was a bowl of M&Ms and one of them would rape you, would you still eat the M&Ms? But it's like these tits drop, like one of that of that, you remember that? Sure. That old, that old, that old, that, that old, that,

that old, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that,'s how every time somebody busted that one out, well, you know, I've never heard that before. I've never heard that before. No, no. You run in good circles then. Yeah. Well, you know, the thing with sexual assault is if you had a bowl of skittles, I understand it.

There's no need for the Skittles. Right. Everyone understands it. Right. Well, yeah, but it's, see, if you had the Skittles and one of them, no, no, no, no, no, I got it. I got it. Got it.

No need for this. You're not as smart as you think you are! Only infotain, only smallly, only in small increments are you smarter than anyone else, not in Skittles analogies. Right. There's my point on that, not in Skittles and Alleges. Right. There's my point on that. So that's what we talked about on the Mad Cuck show. I wanna know, and now I have a complex about it.

He's ruined it. Yeah. The boob drop chips, they've just ruined. They've ruined with this extended, prolonged edging of their tits, like, okay, all right, that's enough. No teasing. I mean, some, a little reason.

Well, because how long is that thing gonna loop for? I mean, I mean, you don't want something to loop for 25 seconds and it has like four seconds of tits. That's what I mean. Your ratio is, and then, they know what they do also that pisses me off. They'll drop them out and then immediately grab them. Oh, yeah. Those don't look like my hands.

Yeah, put on some Hulk gloves. I don't know why women do that. Shippers do it too, and it always enrages me. They start playing with their own tissel. I'm like, well, what do you think that does for me? Yeah Do guys do that take on my pants? Oh, yeah, I'm matching my dick around. What do you think about this? Yeah? What do you think about that shit? No? Take I before I pay the bill at dinner. I take broads out just take my money and my credit card out

Hey, the bill at dinner, I take brods out, just take my money and my credit card out. Smell it around, like, just let him hang there, come on! Like this, what is this? What the hell is this? Am I alone in that? God, it always annoys me. Always fucking annoys me when they do, like, oh yeah, it's like you're over-egging it.

You're over-you're overdoing it. The pudding is egg'd, stop playing with your tits. The only time that phrase has ever been mentioned on this show. I mean, like you don't go to a museum, oh, that's a nice Picasso and he's up there. Like, ooh, what are you doing about this? What are you doing about this?

This is something fucking look at it! Right. That's true. Something that we said for looking and imagining. Uh-huh. Yeah, you're right. You're looking at it. Yeah. Actually, Yeah, you're right. You're right. Yeah.

Actually, don't even look at me. Look away. Right. That's better. Yeah. Much better. Be on your phone. Yeah.

Something else. All right. It is. It's ruined it. I don't know. Maybe I'm alone in this. Some guys just love it. Maybe some guys would like if they stopped before they even showed them.

I don't know. There's a lot of sick people out there. It takes all kinds. That's my point. No, it doesn't, it doesn't take this kind. It doesn't take this kind. There's too many kinds. In fact, the world, it takes all kinds to make the world

into the cluster of violence and unffillment that it is today. It takes much less kinds for things to work. You know what's so funny, but I was thinking about last week the guy who called in with the underwater hamsters. Yeah, he said something. Well, I mean, you kind of finished it, but it was, we were promised,

we were promised flying cars, and you know, what else do you say? Underwater cities. Underwater cities and life on other planets or living on other planets. And what we got is 10,000 genders. Yeah. And it like, that takes all kinds. But that is the future. It is. Like, that's so funny. Like, no, we're not doing any of those things. You know, it really sucks that I'll talk about Patreon for a second, but I've been putting a lot of thought into what's happening at Patreon. Yeah.

It's vis-a-vis the future of the show. Like, it's impact on the future of the show because a lot of people are pulling their Patreon support. Right on this show. Globally, they're just saying, I can't support this company anymore. Can't support Patreon anymore. There's a backlash because they're so draconian

with their huge backlash. Yeah, and it's affecting some people more than others. I'm sure you can guess who it affects the most. Like the guys who need it the most, quite frankly, who it affects the most, like the guys who need it the most, quite frankly, which is, it's so sad on a number of levels because Patreon, the company, is of course making more revenue because of this backlash, because people do hate free speech and freedom of expression.

So they're getting their name in the new, like, you know, it's like the shooter, the serial killer shooter phenomenon. Like if they get in the news, the job is done. It promotes that there's no such thing as bad press. Like there's really, there's really no such thing as bad press. So all people are doing is talking about Patreon. It's bringing more people to the platform. Yeah. They're making money out of this. It's so hard to really, they're being rewarded for doing something terrible. And the people who get hurt from it

are the people fighting for it, ironically. How's that for irony? Like the people who, the advocates and the journalists and the thought leaders, whatever you want to call them, who are pro expression, no matter what, guys like Nick, Rikeda, Jordan Peterson, all these guys, right? I'm not going to dare include myself in this list, of course, which I say to do so, but the point is, the point is, we're on the collector's list, we're on a apostrophe.

Thank God, I think my incompetence has kept me safe from life so far. You know? Yeah. Because they look at those guys like, oh shit Jordan Peterson, those guys are, Sargona of a kind, they really say things eloquently. And then they, somebody reports me and they're like,

this guy that talked about tit gifs for 30 minutes? Yeah. What? You know what? He's not wasting time. Yeah, waste of time. He talked for 30 minutes about masturbating at boob jiffs on Christmas.

That was his Christmas episode is that he taught about jacking off to boob's. Yeah, for 30 minutes and that it wasn't satisfactory to him. Guys lucky he can walk and talk at the same time. He's fine. His patient's fine. Never gonna go. You people are withdrawing their accounts, right?

And when they do so, they're hurting, now, you know, it's your money, of course. I'm eternally grateful for everybody who sports this show. And I think it's awesome when people support anybody directly, quite frankly. That's the whole model that Patreon sold that makes it so special and unique. That made it so special and unique.

And we'll continue to do so despite these egregious attacks on expression that they're currently involved in, and we'll always do so. We'll always do so for many reasons. Yeah. But when the people withdraw their support, they're hurting Patreon at 5%

and the creators that are fighting it at 95% and I think it uh, it sucks. This sucks. Yeah, because you're not hurting Patreon that much. At all, it's not even outweighing the amount of boost they're getting from the negative press. Yeah. Sean is getting hit more than Patreon.

And I will say that I've been, this is, it's always a wild ride, being on the cusp of expression. Let's say it always is, it always has been, it always will be expressing negative, expressing opinions that people do not like, is always, it will guarantee you a wild ride. Guaranteed. Yep is always, it will guarantee you a wild ride. Guaranteed.

Yep, always has always will. And it's not something you can do. And when you're at work, keeping it a hundred is the last thing you wanna do in your life? No, you tend to not stay employed very long. Yeah, it's no, it does you know good. Mouth off at work, talking about IQ differences and statistics.

Sure. Throw it in the fact that quanzas have made up holiday and not re, you don't wanna throw that out at work. What's the point? What's the point, right? What's the point of keeping it a hundred? I guess the point would be keeping it interesting. So some people get to do that.

Yeah. Some people get to do that for whatever reason, luck, and lottery, more hard work, whatever people like that. So, Sunday people like these people, we get to do it and it helps. Keeping it a hundred to an extent actually helps us. Well, yeah, because it helps everyone, because people need an outlet,

they need an outlet. They don't get, they need an outlet and they need someone to express these things to affect some kind of change, which is ultimately the goal and whatever capacity that is, but it is. If you keep throwing shit at the wall, you throw wave after wave of men after it. Eventually, the killbots shut down because they've reached there. They'll pre-set kill them. That's the theory that we

go with. Right. Right. That's why it's a prepared to sacrifice. Wave after wave of men. Keeping me at 100 does help some of us, ish, keeping a 99, can't keep it 100. No, we don't do some things on the show. No, drop in bombs, I don't drop in bombs. Right. I'm being recorded.

Yes, it's not. No, it never works out well. I'm being recorded and don't drop in bombs, right? Yeah, right. I mean, every other second of the day, you work it into every sentence, right? That's, I mean, if you're right, that was the original quote in the Bible,

whoever has not dropped the enbomb, throw the first stop. God's like, hey, geez, come on, come on, come on. We can't say. Yes. I'm referencing Sargon there, of course, because he did. That's why he got put it off. Hate it. Yeah. Yeah.

So, anyway. So I've started working on an alternative for people who are interested in the show so they don't abandon. The show, but it's more complicated than that because PayPal runs everything. PayPal and Patreon are on bed together. They both have the same vent.

They're both backed by the same venture capital firm when the subscribe star that competitor to Patreon popped up, PayPal immediately pulled their support of subscribe stars. Like, well, yeah, I mean, you guys are vertically integrated from the thing that's in my pocket up to the highest levels of bankery. No fucking shit that it's about, like, isn't eBay and PayPal the same, aren't they? Are they right? Yeah.

Yeah. So PayPal, who's got whatever 60 to 80% of transactions around the world. It's just controls your platform. So I go, I go, I shit you not, I go to the bank. We have no choice at all anymore. I go to the bank to set up an alternative for the show, which in doing so I need a merchant account, because I don't trust PayPal at all. At all.

As soon as you're some kind of threat, they shut you down. And if there's one thing that we should be learning from all these mistakes, it's too adept and not make the same fucking mistake twice. We didn't know Visa would shut down Hatreon. That's the lesson. We didn't know PayPal would shut down a competitor to Patreon, their butt body, that they make special exemptions for

to have not safer work content, that they make for nobody else Which effectively makes them the same fucking company. We didn't know they would do that. We know that now We also know as I told Sargon when he called into this fucking show stop creating trouble with people Who's only incentive in life is to embarrass you. Yeah, don't do that Well should that the word should, the word should is a rowing you are thinking. That's right, rowing, they've got to deal with what is.

What is? Well, should he have got that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that type of theoretical. The word should is somebody who, if they had a time machine, would go, but it didn't learn anything from time travel movies, which is when you go back and try to change shit,

you fuck everything else up. Should this have happened? Well, it did happen. So point me out, the exact progression of changes you would make in the system for that should to become a didn't, because you fucking can't. I hate it. Well, should stop.

Well, do you think it should it? Well, should she have gotten like, mm, did, did. Yeah, did. It's happened. Same things that lead to did. Same things that happen again, it will happen. Not a, no matter of should.

Should never enter, should does not enter into the calculation of probability that is our existence. It shouldn't be in your head, shouldn't, but it is. My point is with the hamper guy, that I've spent all week trying to build an alternative for us. In case of an eventual shutdown for all these people that are abandoning the platform.

This is fucking sucks. I have fucking, absolutely, the very first email, like support email I got from Patreon, and when we first launched this show was me saying, hey, this is broken. Why the fuck am I paying 5% for a broken thing when I could just go build this myself? And the support guy said, well, if you had to build it yourself, you couldn't concentrate on your show and the comedy.

And I said, that's a good fucking point. But now we're in a situation where Dickles, the collaborative, the collaborative aspect of humanity is being fundamentally deconstructed and destroyed by people who wish to control speech and power. And that's exactly what it is. Everyone is being systematically and fundamentally dismantled, oppositional and not oppositional for us, but just thought, thought, unique thought is being fundamentally dismantled and destroyed by credit card processing companies. And it all starts to run the entire fucking government. That's it. It all starts with the fun. The entire fucking government. That's it. It all starts with the thought, starts with the thinking. Yeah, starts with the fun.

Think you can change that. The rest is as a breeze. Yeah. So I don't know what to, I don't know what else to say on that. It's a credit card companies have been guilty and been attempting this anti-trust shit unfair. Like they tried to keep America, these in Massacard have been fucking us over, have been fucking humanity over since the first day they walked down and say, I'm talking to a bank, right,

to get this, talking to banks. Bankers are our friends now. I turns out I am the ultimate, the most blue-pilled motherfucker on the internet. I'm teaming up with the fucking banks. I go in there. I need to merge the accounts, shit about Patreon, but I need to know explicitly what would get me kicked off your service

as a bank, you need to tell me. And they say to me, well, I mean, is your content derogatory? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Of course it is. What do you mean is, it's comedy. Yeah, of course it's derogatory.

What are you talking about? What do you mean? Yeah, like we make fun of you. You guys are guilty of the biblical sin of usury and you're asking me of my content is derogatory? Of course it fucking is. It's comedy. It's the opposite of what you do.

Everything that I do is the opposite of what you think should be done. Of course it's derogatory. The bank is asking me this. The bank who takes your house kicks you out into the street to starve. The bank who literally, who holds the abstraction of life from other people, well, is it derogatory?

Yes. Of course. Did Dr. Dre not just sell beats to Apple for $4 billion? What are you talking about? Is it, I don't know, is that a for $4 billion? What are you talking about? Is it Joe? I don't know. Is that a bad thing? What the fuck are you talking about? Is it to rock a Tory? Yes!

Yes! Uh, I'm in the bank. Talking into the phone like this, the manager grabs the phone and he's like, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? We were asking this guy is Continent is this a this is a customer here. What are you what are you doing? The guy I'm sitting across from yeah, by the way What are you doing?

This just push the application through yeah, is it to who's asked are you covering right now? You're just inventing problems? Yeah, it's a derogatory? Yes! Of course! We're gonna take us money in the, you know, to start with. Yeah! But I don't know how much extra does it cost me if it's derogatory. Yeah, right.

How derogatory! I can't say the N word, but I can say cut 7,000 times. Yeah. Nobody cares, they ask me to pump the brakes. Well, which, which fucking ones? Yeah. Write them out.

I'm asking you to write them out. So I understand how I can exist in this fucking dystopia you've created. Yeah. It's disheartening. It is very disheartening. So we'll see. We'll see what the bank says.

But right now I'm getting some questions from children from the bank that I do not enjoy answering. Can you tone it down? No. Which parts? Are they listening? A baby? What?

Should I tone this down, Sean? I will see. I'll see. Can I help it work, Sal? I set up see. I'll see. I hope it works out. I set up Mumke's new website. Oh, you did? Yeah. And a couple of people have been kicked off platforms

that I would like to help. We will see. We will see. It's been a long, hard fight so far, and it's not getting any better. You can remember, people have been getting killed for this for thousands of years. Maybe that's the good Christmas themed episode then.

Yeah. Same guy. People have been getting crucified for having bad ideas since the dawn of time. But don't really kind of align with the status quo. Yeah, but I have had a lot of good memories from the age of 33 to 38. So I'm not looking to get killed over here.

Yeah, right. I'd like to be the Jesus that nobody spoke about 10 years later. Yeah, who is this guy? Nobody. Fucking nobody. Yeah. I think Jesus would have been a lot happier living

to the ripe old age of 52, or whatever was the max possible, an old agriba, or wherever the hell that story happened. Ah, anyway. I wanna tell the best, can you tone it down? Can you tone it up? Like, can you imagine how odd it is for a soccer mom to start swearing?

That's what I would sound like if I stopped. Yes, that's weird. That's what I, withheld saying the words Goddamn on Doug's podcast. And somebody caught it. They're like, wow, it's weird to hear Dick say, it's Goddamn ridiculous. I said, like, that's fucking ridiculous. Something like, he'd never says,

fuck, always, that's Goddamn, it's a Goddamn shame. Always ab, but I'm the dog. It's like, yeah, it's weird. You chose to tone it down. For Doug. For Doug, because I respect Doug. That's right, yeah, that's, you know, like, yeah, it's weird. You chose to tone it down. For Doug. For Doug, because I respect Doug. That's right, yeah, that's, you know, like you said, you don't have to keep it 100 all the time.

Keep it 100, 99% of the time. Okay. Or whatever, keep it 100 in the bedroom. Mm. Keep it 100 when you're at home alone in the bathroom. That's the only time in the shower, in the toilet, That's the only time in the shower, in the toilet, that's the only time a man is, other than that, you keep it 100,

that 1% of the time when you're on the shitter. A speaking of shitter, man, I'm really excited about this, it just arrived. I got my dad, he doesn't listen to livestream, I don't think he's gonna hear this before Christmas. I got my dad a $400 top of the line bidet. Oh, wow. Yeah. I don't know why we don't have those in this country. Dude, dude, the dick, what, I forget the guy's name who got me one. I should have got you fucking one too.

This, the bad, the bidet in my master bathroom has changed my fucking life, dude. It's so great. Yeah. I finally got a new toilet seat in there because the other one broke. And I got like, I spent a good hour. Wait, was that that guy's seven year old daughter who came over and used the bathroom and broke the toilet seat? No. No, that we thought it was.

No, it wasn't him, it wasn't him. It was a different guy. I spent a good hour with like, with toilet bumper stands. I had to, because you put the bidet on and then the seats all janky, like the seat feels like a slide. Every time I, every time I sat on it, since getting the bidet on, I got a new wood seat too. I was slide forward, you're painting the ass, you know. If anything, I want to slide back, especially when I'm taking a shit, give me like a gynecological table. So I'm put my feet up in stir-ups so I'm taking a shit, right? Jesus.

So I got a series of bumpers. And I've got a series of these little stick-on bumpers. And I spent all, I spent an hour shaving them down, measuring them so I could get exactly precise. Unfortunately, side effect, I do feel like I'm sitting in a high chair now. Well, I'm taking a shit. I got a bounce on my tiptoes a little bit.

Anyway, I got my day at this fucking bidet. It's got a probosis that shoots out. It has a auto drier, has a drying mechanism. It shoots out like a car wash for your asshole. That's what I got my father for Christmas. That's great. It's got a pussy washer on it, like reach around for his pussy. Yeah, I don't know who else would, I'm not gonna talk about my mother's,

right, whatever, obviously. So it's for my father's pussy that this thing. Yeah. It's got a remote control. You can set the temperature at top of the line. Wow. Top of the line, toilet. That's gonna be great.

Top of the line. He's gotta come in and give a review. Yeah, yeah. If he doesn't, I'm gonna have to install it too. Oh yeah. Yeah. Maybe I should do that. I'll be like Santa, it'll be like a reverse Santa,

the middle of the night, I'll go on scruise toilet, put on the new one, and then place them, and put a little big ribbon on it, and maybe wrap the toilet up. Pretty good, pretty good. Put a big ribbon on it, and place some jingle bells. Hopefully you don't have a bad stomach, and have to take an emergency shit

and not be able to get in, because of the big fucking ribbon on it. I'll put some milk and cookies in, put some milk and f... Milk of Magnesia and Fignutens in front of it. Do they make you shit? Fignutens don't make you shit. What makes you shit? Figs do. Figs do, yeah, that's why I thought.

Yeah, man. Put some milk and Magnesia, milk of Magnesia and some Fignutens right in front of the toilet. Yeah. Just sit and have a nice shit. I don't know why people don't talk about Figs the same way they talk about prunes. Really? Prunes don't do shit.

No, not really. I mean, I, I think this, you know, I don't know, maybe. The only thing that has ever worked for me are cigarettes. Yeah. If I'm constipated, bam. I'm going straight down to pick up some moburo 100 stimulant, bam. Mm-hmm.

Boom. Nature's laxative. Sigarettes. It's like the Jetsons, dude. This is next level, Bade. Cool. Toilet machine that I'm talking about. So, if you want to late, if you want to last minute tip to get your get old dad something, I highly recommend.

Get him a fucking Bade. Bade. Keep his underwear clean. Jesus, I've talked for a long time already. Yeah. The word should. Instantly the end of any thinking. Well, should this

have happened? Well, did. Which one I know why it did? Of course, we wish that it didn't. That's why we're talking about it. We don't talk about things that we wish happened. Talk about things that did. Usually you talk about things that you wish didn't happen. Or that did. One or the other, you know. I'll play a song that usually calms me down. Oh good. I haven't recovered from last week's song. That was a lot of favorites. I mean, a lot of people love that.

It's just, you know, that probably hit home for so many people. It's like he's talking to each and every one of us. Yeah. I've got a Christmas themed erotic story. Oh, cool. Malested by a mall Santa. Can't wait to hear it.

Oh, another, another, I've got, I found another mentally ill athlete. Oh, bring this one up for you. Okay. It's always good. Check out this one before we listen to this song. I'll read you some quotes from the article. Here's a trans woman who runs track.

Yeah. Yeah, all right to compete. Of course dominating the field. Yeah. I would love to, I can't wait for the article, the first trans woman sports article who gets last, right? Like she's never, never places, third place. She's the second, she's the, she's not the anchor of the relay race.

And then they wonder whether she should be able to take performance enhancing drugs to come back to. She's a woman after all. She hasn't been a woman as long as the other women. Right. So right. So she's got to catch up. Right.

She's got to play catch up. There's even a thing in here where she said she just started working out and it's having an effect. It's like, well, don't you kind of wonder why you're still winning if you just started working out? Come on. Just stick with the one at a time. Perfectly, perfectly fine to undergo a transition to deal with your mental health.

Perfectly fine. Make the choice to deal to transition, cope with your mental health and your gender dysmorphia and your sense of identity. It's the athlete part. I know. That's the sickness. That's what I'm saying, too, Sean.

All right. Here's the song that I said I would play. Oh, it's a no wedding day till he gets his three-way song. Oh, I remember this. Yeah. I'm telling you, that's the new... Catchy. You're like a millennial,

for the millennial age, Johnny Cochran. Yeah. No wedding day until you get a three way. Maybe you're proposing tonight, fellas. You'd go ahead, go ahead, but keep it in mind. She's got a lot of friends. Always one, there's always one who's down. You can be engaged forever.

It's a very, look, the bridesmaid's choice is a very special tradition. So is the mandatory obligatory wedding threesome choice. You know, you know which friend, it's the friend that might not get invited to the wedding friend, right? Everybody knows which friend it is. There you go. It's the way God wanted it to happen. I've read a lot of the Bible, and he makes several hints that this is the true plan. Yeah. This is by

David Jesus, but Jesus. No way, God. It's called. Wrong intro. I hope you sent you the vocal stem. That reminds me I gotta get on that muskered song. Oh, okay, yeah. Send me the guitar.

I can't hear it at all. Time for Christmas cheers, the mixing's tempting, our band could have been here, but I need to take the distance, and I remember, no more waiting day till I get my main way. You can hear I'm using some of the lyrics in the verse. No more waiting day, till I've had my green way No more time to wait, but I'll hide with you today I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man of the gussets And I remember no more wasting day Till I get my free way No more time I paint While I wait for spring No more wasting day Till I get my free way No more time I paint

While I wait for spring Have you ever been the best man at a wedding before All right, all right Very good very good very good. Probably not those vocals fellas. I love it. It's catchy No more wedding day till I get my three way. Right? Oh yeah. Followed boy came out with that over. Dunzo. Girls lined up around the two by two, be like Noah's Ark. That's all I need. Just a budget, little budget, little budget. You know what? Debeers. Yeah, they're struggling.

The whole blood diamond shit. This could really change the game. Yeah. An anti-marketing campaign. There you go. All right, I had a bunch of other... Em and C World. I don't know if this is a C World.

I don't know if this is a C World idea. God, I was going to complain about Israel too. They were really pissed me off this week. Oh, really? Yeah. Israel and men in black. I guess those are kind of the same. Hmm.

Okay. Turn them out like Mossad. Kasa Blanca. Yeah, Israel has a no boycott Israel contract. A bunch of states have a stipulation and state employees where they are not allowed to boycott Israel To work for the state did you did you hear this states here? Yeah a Texas elementary school speech pathologist So my mom basically yeah lost her job for refusing to sign a pro-Israel oath. In her contract, in the state contracts, you're not allowed to boycott anything from Israel.

So, I looked into it a little bit more. And the first thing I found, the first headline I found was for the Jewish telegraphic agency saying how, let me find, the headline was anti-BDS laws are a constitutional and PR mess, constitutional mess, you know. Yeah, it's just a mess. It's a constitutional mess. Well, it's not a very simple answer that says like, this is a constitution. This is bullshit.

Yeah, this is total fuck. It's a mess. Yeah, I mean, it's a mess. It's a subtleties and all that. No, no, it isn't It's a mess. Yeah, that's a mess. I mean, it's a mess. It's a subtleties and all that. No, no, it isn't. It's just, it's such a mess. Period. Here's how to make them better.

No, false premise. Mo. Yeah, right. We don't wanna make them better. I wanna stop hearing about Israel in this capacity. It upset me because of all of the, as many times as me and my friends have been called a Nazi and had, as well, yeah, we know they're just jokes,

but actually the jokes make actual anti-Semitism more acceptable. You know what, fucking, you know what, making anti-boycotts you know what, making boycotts illegal does? You fucking idiot. If I don't care what race or what country you're from, if you came to my door and said, hey, if you don't refuse to boycott whatever, you're fired. I'm taking that person, I'm shoving him right into the fucking oven. Yeah. That's how that works

That's how that gets better. Yeah is it's done So then I kept going and found that Not only do a lot of states have this law, but fuck let me find this It was enacted in Texas, March the same law blocked some victims of Hurricane Harvey from receiving disaster relief unless they signed a pledge to never participate in a boycott. This is a real thing. And then the governor of Texas is standing to me. Stand with Israel.

Like there's, I don't know if they've got some, that ball that Trump touched was some kind of a brainwashing device that goes around the entire world, but the cocksucking and bending over for Israel over things that you would think are basic American rights is totally fucked. It's insane. I love the country. Loved it there. Loved all the people there. Nothing against it, but Jesus,

fucking Christ can't boycott it. Why would I want to? Now I want to. Now I want to know, well, why is this so important? It has to be illegal because I get the murder laws. I get the rape laws. Now it's illegal for me to boycott it. Well, it must be something pretty satisfying about it then

because those other two would be pretty fucking satisfying if they were legal. You can constitutionally burn the American flag. Like, you know, supposedly no repercussions. But if you boycott Israel on a state level. Fired, yeah. You working for school? Yeah, and I'm boycotting Israel.

Right. Well, so what have we established? Fire. Jews run the world. Like, that's what it says to me. Yeah, and I don't want to think that or say it, but it's like, well, you guys are making it very fucking hard to defend with this kind of shit.

I've always, I mean, oh, God, man, that's insane. I watched a Prager U video. Maybe it's the time of the year, you know, the King of Israel and such, but I watched a Prager U video where I shit you not. An ex-general was talking about how important it was for America to invest in Israel. And it had like one of those stupid

infographic videos while he's talking, and he's saying it's important to give to Israel because they spend that money on American military technology and the video playing in the background was money flying out of America to Israel, money flying back and then tanks and shit flying back over there. I thought, what the fuck, how come any time a man talks about spending in the Middle East, it sounds like a woman trying to tell me about a sale at big lots. Like, oh, well, we've got to give them money because they spend it on the military.

You know, we need military over there. Like, oh, honey, well, I have to buy all this stuff because I have to look beautiful for you. Like, I've heard this fucking spiel before. Just instead of Israel, call it Nordstroms and instead of the military, call it a fucking sale. Well, it's cheaper in the long run if we spend the military there instead of here. Well, honey, it a fucking sale. Mm-hmm. Well, it's cheaper in the long run if we spend the military there instead of here,

well, honey, it was on sale. I mean, it was on sale. I say I'm gonna buy this anyway. And to buy the most expensive one because it was marked down a higher percentage. It was marked down a higher percentage. So really you're saving money. Honey, I had to buy these tanks for Israel

because they were on sale. You know, I'm actually giving you money. I've got to look beautiful for you. You know you love it when I feel better about myself. So I've got to give money to Israel. Sure. Every single one of them. That is insane.

At the state, you can be fired for refusing to sign a pledge. And oh, no, that you're not going to boycott another country. So they're fucking there. That's unbelievable. There are articles that, well, we've got to make it instead of just Israel to make it better. We'll make it other countries. And I'm thinking that's not fucking better. Completely counter to, it's like, so you don't like something.

I did it in a bunch of bullshit. Oh, boy, I wonder if you don't like a company. If you don't like a company, you don't buy their products. It's the only vote we have in this country is to vote with your checkbook. I mean, some people like Palestine. What are you going to do? She's a speech pathologist. How much money could you be giving to them?

Some people don't think Israel. Some people don't think Israel is right in every single thing they do in every way that they handle something. Cause you know, they're not. No, nobody is. I couldn't believe it. And then I saw that this was baked into like all these states that a lot of them had this.

Oh, okay. That's insane. Yeah. that a lot of them had this, I was like, oh, okay. That's insane. Yeah. I feel like as a member of a persecuted class, which I will refer to as heretics, I believe that I am in. They burn people like me at the stakes for, we're literally, it hasn't gone well. World's round.

Kill that guy. Right. Take him out. Yep. He's fucking things. He's turds into punch bowl. He could also call us. Heratix is all very important.

There's a member of a group that's routinely persecuted to maybe, maybe not ask for it. So blatantly. God damn. Isn't it? Could that be a, could that be of some value to people? I, I get it. Yeah.

Hey man, world round, I get it, but let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's say it's up a bowl shape for it. Keep it 99. Yeah, keep it 99. Keep it 100. You're probably asking for it. Oh, I couldn't believe, I couldn't believe the fucking video of watching, watching money. I couldn't believe that would animate it.

This is money flying out of the country. Yeah. What the fuck? I wonder how many people had input on that animation too. What's like, well, can we, you know, just creative choices? Give them a planet. Yeah. You know, maybe Elon Musk could discover

one of the exo planets way out in the solar system, give it to Israel and we just shoot rockets full of money at it. Sure. That be enough. Love the country. Yeah, wonderful people. I don't think they need, maybe, well, maybe, you know, like I said, there's no such thing as bad PR, but I think you start.

I think when you're on the other side of a battle against the speech pathologists for kids. Yeah, you're probably on the right. It's a bad, the wrong fight. It's a bad look. I don't think the governor needs to weigh in on that one. It's not going to help. Wow. So, happy Christmas, Merry Christmas, everyone.

I got some advice here. Better say happy Hanukkah, we're getting off the air. I'm on boycott. That's what we've been doing. That's going to be Patreon's email. We heard you boycott it happy Hanukkah, we're getting off the air. I'm a boycott. That's what we've been doing. That's going to be Patreon's email and we heard you boycott it Hanukkah. Yeah. I mean, all that other stuff, you know, willing to let that slide, but it's our bylaws. It just seems like an overreach.

Oh, you're doing all right. A little bit. You're doing all right, you know, you're doing fine.. Little bit. Doing all right. You know, you're doing fine. Just make it a little more subtle. Don't get noticed so much. Yeah. You think the world is round? Maybe suggest to a dummy to get to float that idea out there.

Right. If you're so fucking smart. Right. You don't need credit. That's what brings everybody down is the credit. Yeah. I don't even know if I want to read her quote. I got my masters in this field and devoted myself to this work because I always wanted to

do service for children. It's vital that early age assessments of possible speech impairments are psychological conditions be a blah, blah, blah. Be administered by those who understand the child's first language, you know, well. Well, 38 billion dollars over 10 years is what we send to Israel. I don't know if you knew that. 38 billion over 10 years. Yeah. Yeah. That's enough. All right. It's like a lot. Okay. That's fine. Get the money. Uh huh.

We can have constitutional rights still, right? Yeah. Now we need those two. Well, I mean, the first two rights are pretty important to people. Yeah. Are you sure? What if we make it 50 billion over 10 years? Can we have the rights still? No.

Can I force in our hands? Maybe I have it all wrong though. What do I know? I just read a couple articles. The bad ombre, the madcast pedophile has his own subreddit now. Really? Yeah. He said he was gonna spring something on me on Christmas Day.

Oh. So I'm looking forward to that. As Dami Peso's here, I was gonna have him read some of that. All right, I'm gonna be pleased. Oh please. Please yes. Hey Dick, I'm on my way to some advice. Please, yes. Hey, Dick, don't use my name. I'm a big fan of your show

and thought I'd come to you for advice. I wanna propose to my girlfriend soon, but I'm not sure how to do it. I've looked online and a lot of it seems to involve making a public spectacle of it. Is that something that gets chicks off? Or can I just shred some rose buds in a hotel room and make up some nice sounding words?

What would you do, cheers dickhead? Well, when it comes to women, the answer's always both. The rose, the one doesn't make, you think that the one, if it's twice, it's the one or the other. It's actually both. If you are thinking that you need to do the rose buds thing or the public spectacle, you're incorrect. Those ideas have been planted in your head by a succubus and you're expected to do both.

But you'll need to do it once, right? I'm trying to help a guy out here. The secret to the wedding proposal is how humiliating it is to you because it does get them off. If you can arrange some way for you to get on your knees in front of the magic castle in Disneyland and have many mouses strap on a dildo and fuck you in the ass in front of everyone while you're proposing to your girlfriend, that would be the ideal proposal because it's maximum humiliation. Funny you should say that because last time at Disneyland I saw, but it was Mickey. That guy, that's where the guy fucked up. It's way more humiliating to have many fuck you up the ass.

Well, it was Mickey, but the guy identified as a woman. Oh, boy. Yeah. I don't know. Um, A. Dick, I've been in a relationship with a girl for a little under a year. Everything had been going great until recently. She traveled back to her home country of Bangladesh for a three week trip. For the first week or so, we talked every day like we usually do, Jesus.

But after that communication started to die down and it felt like she was ignoring me. Well, they have a really bad wireless over there. Isn't that why? It's poor country. I called her out on it. What do we do with women? Do we call them out on Your ability to call out a woman is reliant on how far away from you she is.

If you could reach them, you could call them out. You could call them out a great deal. Right? Yeah. If you have to get in your car to be in the same physical, in the same physicality as them, not implying any sort of violence. No, no, no, just tell me where you live. But it is true.

Yeah. The presence, I think it's probably the chemicals in your body that confuse their brains. Yeah. When they don't have those, they don't know how to react to it anymore. But after that communication started to die down and I felt like she was ignoring me.

I called her out on it, but that seemed to make things worse. How long have they been together? Or whatever? Or a little under a year. Okay, little under a year and she went back to her home country. Why? To visit? To fuck guys.

Isn't that the only reason women do anything without you is just to go fuck other guys? Well, I mean, if she was like visiting, was like, I didn't see if it was visiting family or anything like that. I don't know. She just moved back home and you're gonna think you're having a long distance relationships. Three week trip.

Three week trip. Oh, okay. I wasn't paying attention at the top. I called her out on it, but it seems to make things worth. Now we pretty much stopped talking. She's gonna be coming back soon and I'm not really what, sure what to do.

Well, you got yourself a little break. I mean, you don't have to talk every day and come up with shit to say, you play video games. You've done something, you've accidentally done something smart by pissing her off, shutting down that endless, late at night. You know, when you're talking to somebody and they're on a different time of the day, is you?

Very weird. Awkward. Because you're in getting up, waking up mode, and they're in like having dinner mode. You're talking about your morning would, and they're talking about like, we're thinking about going out for dinner. So this doesn't work. Is there any way I can salvage this? Or do you think it's time to move on? I've thought about what you said last episode

and just ghosting someone that might be the funniest solution, but I still love her! Oh, I love her! I love her, I still love her! I'm at a loss right now. I love her, man! I love her, man! I love her!

I love her! I'm love her man. I love her. I love her. I'm a fraud just like you. I guess this question goes for any guy out there. What do you do when a woman starts ignoring you? Any advice has appreciated thanks to it can go fuck yourself. Well, send her an email about forgiveness. Exactly.

You haven't explained your side of it enough. Right, enough. Enough. If you could only articulate your ideas and these concepts, if only she would listen more palatable manner, if only she would listen more that it is her fault. I don't think she's right. It is her fault.

She's listening to you, but she's not hearing you. So I would start with that. How many emails can you write in a day? Double it. Yeah, that's how many need to be sending. Yeah. Double it and add 10. Double it and add 10.

Really? Yeah, run it by, make sure you're explaining to yourself, read it out loud. Yeah, those types of things. Right. Buddy, you types of things. Right. But you have too much energy. First of all, what were the cans situation in this story? Mysteriously left out.

Well. It shows me that your brain is not in the right place. If you can write me this three paragraph email about what should I do with a chick? And you do not mention how big her tits are, I know that you are not thinking with your rational comedic mind. If you have lost your place with women and you don't think that everything is happening with them is funny, you are in for a world of hurt because it is. It is. This idea of law, I think is an HL Mankin quote, the love is the delusion that women are different. Or that one woman differs from another. Don't ever fucking forget it from him. Oh, yeah. Well, it's got a lot of good ones. I might have

dreamed that one up. Yeah. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. The more true than it is not. And this email is a perfect explanation as to why. You got to pick your battles, which is why that song is so great, which one went from last week. Oh yeah. If a bitch is 6,000 miles away from you, unless you have a very loose, you're super stretch Armstrong, you better chill a fuck out. You're going to be calling anybody out on anything.

Borgis, you know what you gotta do? If you really wanna do something. Cause I know you can't tell somebody to do nothing. Nobody ever does it. Yeah, you gotta use it. They feel like they have to do. People have to be proactive in some way. Yeah, if you say do nothing, they even if it's just,

you know, connecting the one end of a garden hose to another, making it completely useless. Exactly. You still have to fucking do something. That's exactly my point. If your advice is ever, we'll don't do anything like, wow, I gotta do something. I gotta get all this energy out of me. You just gotta channel your inner and toy story three when Buzz Lightyear becomes Mexican, you know?

I didn't see Toy Story 3. Oh yeah? Yeah. I bet you that if you watch Toy Story 3, Sean, yeah, you will cry. Really? I bet you money. Yeah. Should we do a cry at a movie? Should we do a dictation? Yeah. Wait, that's a dictation. No, that's not a dictation. No, wait, is that a dictation? Oh. Yeah. Wait, that's a dictation. No, that's not a dictation. No, I didn't see it. Wait, is that a dictation? Yeah, that's a dictation.

Yeah. You haven't seen it though. They're not as funny when you haven't seen it because you got to pay attention to the movie. Dictations only work if you have, if you've already seen the movie. Oh, I'm sure. Or things so.

Yeah, that's, yeah, you're probably right. I bet you, do you cry at movies? I think I have. You have? I mean, I'm trying to think. Well, it's the last you're probably right. I bet you do you cry at movies? I think I have. You have? I mean, I'm trying to think. It was last movie, Pride at. Oh, Kati Shack. I couldn't tell you.

Yeah, Kati Shack is, you know, I just wasn't sure if that ball was going to drop or not. Yeah, I did. Rodney Dangerfield 180 grand. Oh my god. You're, I bet you're not good. You got a channel. You just go watch that movie and act like the Mexican Buzz Lightyear. That's all that's all women's Mexican Buzz Lightyear. It gets his programming scrambled and becomes Mexican. Oh, he does. Yeah. For a little bit still Tim Allen. No, no, no, no, it's a legit Mexican soap opera. What do you think about that?

Who is it, Banderas? I don't know. I don't know who it is. I never looked it up. It just sounds like a Mexican guy. Oh. Banderas is Spanish. Do that if you're ever in doubt.

Um, hey, Dick, feel free to shorten or edit however you want. I was wondering your opinion on weight loss surgery, and maybe other dickheads here deal with this too, but I'm at a weight where I would kill to have a mundane matte physique. Whoo! Monday matte is like a sack of cement, except like a pussy version of cement.

That's not hard at all, like oatmeal. Monday and Matt is a 300 pound sack of oatmeal with a small dick and little stumpy stick legs. If you take a sack of horse oatmeal, you know the horse feed, the horse oatmeal that they sell at tack shops. Yeah, it looks like, well, it looks like brand. Yeah, I think they eat some brand.

Yeah, if you take a sack, flaky stuff, yeah. If you take a 300 pound sack of horse feed and put a crappy goatee on it to make it look like it has a chin and a crooked little haircut and some glasses and some little stumpy legs and a small dick that everyone will recognize that as mundane mat. Oh, it seems like a lot of effort though.

Well, I'm just saying, that's what it looks like. But it could be done. It could be done. Everyone's got their vice, drugs, alcohol, sex, mine's always been food. Yeah. It's my way of coping with the everyday bullshit. I've had bouts or successes,

but I always find myself back to where I was, if not heavier. Now I'm in my 30s. It doesn't get easier. I feel too far gone down this road to not get back to a healthy size without help. And I'm just goddamn tired of losing this fight all the time. So to that end, I'm thinking of getting the surgery.

I know it's not the cure all for time. So to that end, I'm thinking of getting the surgery. I know it's not the cure all for my fucked up relationship with food. No, but might buy me some time instead of eating myself into an early grave. I really respect your opinion and would love to hear your thoughts on this matter. Thanks for all you do.

One of your biggest fans, ostentatious. Yeah, fucking go for it. I mean, why the fuck have the surgery if you're not gonna take advantage of it? Like when you're that size in your joints can't even function and you can't move, like fuck, fuck that. Yeah. Yeah, I can't, I mean,

plus you get all the attention in the hospital, people come and see you, I'm telling you you're a good person and strong and saying they'll be there. Yeah, I can't say any drawbacks'm telling you you're a good person and strong and saying they'll be there. Yeah, I can't say any drawbacks to the surgery, you know? I mean, fuck it. I know some people who've done it and they ballooned right back up, sure shit

because they didn't exercise. You gotta do. Well, it's like, isn't it, I mean, essentially cuts off part of your start, like, yeah, it squeezes it off. Yeah, so they enlarge it. But you have a matching. You get full much more easily, right?

And then, yeah. But, you know, if you work, unfortunately, some of those people work really hard to get fat again. Yeah, they do. You got to, I don't know, Jamie's not here, so I don't know, I need a professional recommendation, but I would say it's pretty obvious

you do the weight loss surgery and then get on steroids. Right? Because you need to see gains, you need to see rapid gains to trick yourself into a new lifestyle. What's the best way to do that? Roids. Doctors can't tell you that, probably, because that's illegal for them to give you them.

The ones who aren't there bottom line, they're going to send you to a shrink or something. It's all a big racket. So get some illegal, anabolic steroids. Right? I don't know. Those things are not a doctor. Those things are barely illegal anymore. Yeah. I mean, did you see that documentary bigger, stronger, smaller balls, whatever it was called? No, no, I don't have to. About steroids. He's saying that they're safe. It's they're extremely safe. And it's all like a marketing. it's all like a hysterical stuff.

What cracks me up is that like people just don't realize, and this is like what I'm saying is basically it's a fact. Yeah. I mean, this is like Hollywood actors who get ripped for roles, they're juicing. They're doing something. It's like, yeah. You think you fucking jackman, like just worked out.

And it looks like that from just like, you know, having been told exactly what to eat and like a personal trainer. So he's like, 48 year old fucking Wolverine. What are you kidding me? It looks like a skin mask. Yeah. No, no, no, no. It's just saying too with a straight face.

So how did you, what's your work? It's like, it's like, and it's not like they're gonna stay on them for years and years, like a lot of these bodybuilders who die really young. Yeah. But no, they just think, do it. It's, you got other shit to do. You got lines to learn. You got, you know what I mean?

It's so fucking annoying. Yeah, break. The body this morning. I got ripped and fucking, yeah. Fucking steroids. The body just more. Just the other head head go oh, and then move on. Yeah, I see. The body dysmorphia difference between men and women

is fucking insane. Like the fact that you cannot, when Chris Pratt gets naked in Guardians of the Galaxy, like, okay, Royds, I can't get that by limiting what I eat and going to Pilates three times a week. I'd have to dedicate my life to juicing and fitness. Rocky, I mean, all that, you know, give me a break.

And then they get old and their tits turn into bean bags, like, oh wow, I wonder why that fucking happened. I wonder why that totally unusual body formation happened on this man who was once a ne' donas. So it works for them, it might work for you. Good luck. One more, I'll see you one more. Dixie normus, as the subject says,

I'm a 29 year old virgin, with advice for the dude who wrote you via email and read a show. The reason why the 22 year old virgin is complacent is because he's needs are being Saciated by jerking off at that age. I felt the exact same way I didn't think about getting late at all It wasn't until I was turning 28 when I had a panic attack about how I was single and never had sex or had a real girlfriend I don't know if I were to stop jerking off at that age and apply myself of things would be different I

Was and still think I am a little socially retarded to advances by women. I still try every once in a while to make an effort to get laid, but with Tinder, I get little to no matches, and with OKCupid, I get matched with chicks, I don't find attractive, get off the fucking apps. So maybe my standards are too high. I think with such easy access to porn nowadays and the social skills which I lack, which it takes to land a chicken bed. It's easier to jerk off every day. Then again, it might just be a myriad of problems compounding that prevents me from getting laid. I'll take any advice you got for a guy like myself, but for the dickhead who's a virgin at 22,

my suggestion would be to stop tugging on your dick and putting yourself and put yourself out there. Dick, you could probably fill in the gaps. Don't go down the dark path. I went down. Yeah. Master baiting. You'll end up with me four times a day. 29 year old virgin. My life's over, but you still got a chance, kid. I think guys underestimate how little women care about how socially retarded they are. Like, you don't really have to be funny and that great with women to get laid. You just have to be out there.

Yeah. That's, it's really like as much as you see guys bitching about women's choice in men, it's because they suck at choosing men. Like they just take whoever is there most of the time and eventually it works out. Do a bunch of shit you hate. I know we've said that on the show before.

Do a bunch of shit you hate is pretty good advice. Just do shit. You're gonna hate a lot of shit. All of it. Remember, most of a relationship is trying to get out of shit that she wants to do that you hate. It's only reasonable to assume that you would meet a girl you will have a relationship with

by doing things you hate that she wants to do. Let me give some extra advice to probably, you know, this is coming out Christmas day. So y'all fucked up. But if you, if you're gonna break up with someone, for fuck's sake, do it before the holidays. So you don't have to deal with any of that bullshit. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, just go find a family and be for Halloween. Find a family and go there for Christmas dinner. That's what chicks will want you to do. Yeah. And you hate it. So just do that. You're liable to meet one there. Deadline.

October 31. I'm gonna play some of these. Everybody's looking across a table right now. Looking to their left or right, going, God damn it. Get them before they get you. And Tom, like, as you used to say that, always break up with somebody before the holiday season.

Oh, I don't know. Save a bunch of money. Oh, shit, probably. I know I couldn't be the first one with that thought, but I've never heard him say that. Yeah. All right, I'm going to put this is a, this is a doctor from the Facebook group. He sent in some medical reports that he's taken from the group. Cool.

Cool. And then, let me make sure I didn't miss anybody. All right, here we go. New bit. Brand new right, here we go. New bit. Brand new bit, just for you. Giving medical advice to the unwashed masses, this is Dr. Matt with the TDS Medical Report. Our first patient, Adam Berg,

presents with just pulled my toenail off again. What do? Dr. Pucknell took a dark turn and simply said, F, while Dr. Sternrecker and O'Hallaran both suggested blasting the wound with piss. Another doctor, O'Hallarann, with no relation to the previous piss doctor, showed off his superior injury, and finally Dr. Manners admonished Mr. Berg with a stern stop doing that, which was the only advice that Mr. Berg specifically dismissed as not good. Oh, all right. There you go.

He pulled off his toenail, and then somebody said stop doing that, anything so bad advice. Yeah, see? No one will ever do stop doing it in his case. Here's the second one. Our next patient, Brett Finnerin, presents with Messy Poo, in what can only be described as a multiple-paragraph diatribe into the nature of how often he takes a shit. Mr. Finnerin goes on to explain the nature

of his bowel movements, the amount of wiping he must do, and how his diet and frequency of stualing has changed over the last five years. Dr. Trujello's advice consisted of a captionless gif of sperm, assumedly swimming through Mr. Finnerin's GI tract. Even the nature of his complaint and the autistic way he was able to describe every aspect of his bathroom experience, this doctor is left wondering why he did not provide pictures or post from his shit diary.

Okay, there you go. So do more, please, Dr. Matt. Yeah, I like those very much. I've got a special erotic story to read for you right now. Let me play the theme song. It's a Christmas themed one. And then we'll do, we'll do the news and do some voice mails after that. How does that sound?

Sounds good. The Dixho presents an erotic story from a real man. There we go. Alright, hey Dic, long time fan of the show. Back to the biggest problem days, I hope to bring some cocksmas cheer to the good dick heads and dickettes with a real erotic story of how I ended a way too long of a sexless relationship to start fucking my maid. Go fuck yourself.

This is from Bard Samson. It was three months before Dixmas. My balls. Hard up for lemon pledge, I guess. They're so blue. I had then a girlfriend, but we hadn't screwed. We hadn't had sex, but had waited a lot. Her ass was so scrumptious.

Her detits, so hot. They'll pass it. There's a time when their hotness will turn against them and become anti-hotness. When you haven't fucked them for long enough, for a long time, you know, and it just sits in your stomach like a bile. Scrump she's asked, like he's talking about.

Dictip, by the third date, get to that first hump. At eight fucking months, you know I was a chump. Yeah. She slept over often. Our routine sad when said, we'd watch shitty reruns and then go to bed. Eight months. Fuck.

What in the fuck is going on? That's insane. Mexican Buzz Lightyear, dude. You got to change's insane. Mexican Buzz Lightyear, dude. You got to change shit up and Mexican Buzz Lightyear, you're ass. Mexican Buzz Lightyear is the problem for, is the solution to all of your problemos with women. You talking to Mexican Buzz Lightyear doesn't speak a lick of English,

but it gets that pussy, okay? That's what he does. That's all he cares about, Mexican Buzz Lightyear. When out from my nightstand, there rose such a ding. I went to my phone to see what made it ring. With so long a dry spell, my hopes were quite low. I opened the lock screen below, me a glow. The home screen familiar with different stark for my, for my Facebook messenger, a little red mark, opening messenger. The name was unknown, but then saw my house cleaner there on my phone.

From pretense of logistics, a flirt she did strike. Before I could ask her, what's her dad like? From so coy and innocent, she ventured past tame, but did she want to fuck? Well, then her nudes came. Personal titties and ass with a smile! Then hair and smooth legs that went up for a mile. Next sensual videos.

And not just her pics, I responded in kind, not that you give a shit. The episode clarified truth so so dear, she'll fuck you or not. Do not complicate things here. It was time for a change. There was nothing to lose. I broke up with my girlfriend, what choice could I choose? And as we agreed, within a few days more not scheduled for cleaning, she arrived at my door. She strode in with a gate, which left nothing to look. The small talk was small.

We were both there to look. The small talk was small. We were both there to fuck. She wore lacy fabric from tits to her ass and her shoes added some height and some style and some class. She came with some condoms. In case I was out. Yeah, right. And given the circumstances, I didn't pout. Well, that's how you got in this fucking mess, dude. That's her cans, how they juggled her hair red as wine grapes. Her ass cheeks like bongos. Her carpet matched the drapes. Her pouty thick lips. She licked once and again, and even when barefoot she stood at 5'10." She was slender and slim and so eager to please, and wouldn't you know a former fatty like me?

The hardest part was her too long of a hair, so worth it, but really it got everywhere. Flip of her hair and a scrunch of her nose gave me the go ahead and a roused-eye rose, her luscious proportions too thin to sell dove That's funny Well, what she looked like well she couldn't sell a dove soap. Yeah, I'll tell you that much Not even a bar. No

I flung her round in bed from below and above we had some sex and positions We had some in positions diverse, unleashing a year's worth of my thoughts perverse. She came and she came and at last I came too. And went on next morning with what we had to do. She spoke from the side of her mouth and suggested that we get a second check when both we were rested. Wow, that was fast. And so ends a tale. From but one dickhead elf saying,

see you next Tuesday, dick, go fuck yourself. Wonderful, I verify. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh guy told me it was true. Great. Ooh, good story. Good story either way. That bitch is there to win. Yeah, I was keeper.

Securing that contract. Ah. Ha. That's a job security. She even dropped security. Just buster to clean up her hair. Now, she's gonna, she's, they're never gonna fuck again. She's just gonna get paid to come over like that sign fell,

then not clean the house. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And the girlfriend will come back, because what's she gonna do? to come over like that sign fell then not clean the house. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And the girlfriend will come back because what's she gonna do? Get a job right to hope he's sleeping with two chicks and fucking none of them. Good luck, buddy. Let's see here.

All right, let's do Facebook. Ah, yeah, everybody. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. This has been the Dix show. Don't kill your family. Dix.show. I don't know if I should even say patreon.com slash the Dix show anymore.

Really? Well, if there's one thing I've learned from this, it's that people should be promoting a URL that won't be stripped away from them. Yeah. So, you know what? I'll figure it out next week. I got to figure it out now though, because I have a feeling people are going to be real

pissed at the start of the year and start making some decisions with their money. Of course, the Patreon will never go away by my hand. Quitting things in protest is not what I would do. Yeah, no, that's not it. That's not a thing that I would do and I don't think people should do that because it just fucks everybody over who's fine with it, right? You're fine with it? That's where you thing that I would do and I don't think I don't think people should do that because it just fucks everybody over who's fine with it Right, you find with it. That's where you want to get it. Fine. That's fine But we got to figure something else out for everybody else

This been the dick show dick. Show the dick show com patreon.com slash the dick show. See next Tuesday this song is by Okay, here's a hazing crew song called a ho ho honey You know haen crews. Of course. The voice of an angel. Yes. With throat cancer. Oh boy. Ho Ho Ho. Oh Oh You know Here's a lump of some coal. Oh honey who's coming down your chimney tonight?

God. It's the guy from Smashmouth. I never made that reference before for somebody else. Here's the thing, a slight trick to the fate for you. And they would be swapped. Hit the red mill you pig. Oh, no. Yeah, Fred Mill you pick Thank

Think of how this would feel like against my fist Now if you could here's a Kmart bra for your Walmart Tillinations for you to be gone for us You look like Randy Stair Ho ho honey, who's coming down your chimney tonight Ho ho honey, it's a miracle you received a thing. Been a bitch shit all year, oh no honey, whose coming down your chimney tonight. We have a picture on a thing, looks like such a decent shit. I said shit! I'm gonna lift up all the dicks you've seen

Every last one's gone I know it's not like this is that laughable I know it's not like this is that laughable I know it's not like this is that laughable I know it's not like this is that laughable I know it's not like this is that laughable I know it's not like this is that laughable I know it's not like this is that laughable

I know it's not like this is that laughable I know it's not like this is that laughable And park my old age 3 Oh honey, it's 3 Forgot to mention one little thing My play It could use a good wash Oh, no honey So leave me out a sandwich tonight How to sandwich tonight? That's terrible. What a terrible song. What a terrible song from a terrible person.

Okay. All right, here's Facebook news for memory of whom. Ah. Hello, dick and hello, dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the last couple days. First, a quick follow up to last week's story. Spandex, filler, Jake Brown did continue to talk to his female friend. However, it was awkward after the shitsident, and they eventually did the job. Next up, an article regarding a 10 year old boy performing on stage at an adult gay bar has stirred up a heated debate. Oh yeah! But he's for an advocate for the child's right to perform so long as his parents consent and are present,

and that tipping drag queens is normal. Multiple dickheads slammed him for condoning what they believe to be child abuse, and the over-sexualization of a minor. While he argues it isn't sexual at all because the boy's performance is not meant to sexually Provement and he was wearing pants After I was tagged I could no longer see Chris Ford's comments because in an attempt to stay out of the news He blocked me and the other dickheads Wait a minute, wait a minute have you did see that? No, I haven't seen it.

Did the kid drag queen? Oh, let me see that. I don't even need to analyze it. I don't like it. Yeah. I know there's the whole, I think I don't know. I don't wanna over intellectualize it.

Yeah. It's necessary. It just, it just seems like something's wrong to me. It does. And that's kind of something's wrong. For me, that's kind of as much as I need on that one. You know what I, I had this weird feeling that like, as much as it seems wrong, that I don't need to be involved

in every little thing, everybody does. Right. All right, well, yeah, we're only gonna get to the future by experimenting with this shit. So you're gonna have to break a few kids. People are gonna do how we, people are gonna do fucked up shit. That's like, yeah, I guess it's,

yeah, it's also not my responsibility to get outraged over everything. Yeah. The paper has put in front of me, but God, it seems, I wouldn't want to participate in it. No, I just, I don't know if I could point to exactly what's fucked up about it. Like you're fucking with the kid's gender identity,

kind of, what's wrong with that? It's a little, I know it when I see it, type of thing. Yeah, that's a bad, that's a, that's a bad rule. What's out when I see it? I don't know if that's a good rule. I mean only for only personally. Only personally, sure. I mean, I'm gonna pull it up right here.

Do you wanna learn to draw professional interviews of art? No, I don't wanna learn to draw. Do you want to blow people's minds? No, get out of here. People don't think of drags in art form that kids can do. You know, you're a drag artist.

You call it drag kid. Yeah, because I feel like the term drag when it's more of an adult term. It's like a little kid. Yeah, it's 10. I think. Mom, what has been is amazing. I see myself in LGBTQ activists.

Where we let me put it up on the screen. So that's how I'm like, that's how I'm like, I can't even say, I can't even say how I was teeth yet, but he's an activist. The activist? And again, activist. I'm an activist.

It was an activist. Oh, do you have a gay list? No, I just don't have any, I don't have any, you know, front teeth. Yeah. Okay. No. A drag kid. I'm not queer.

My motto is be yourself always no matter what anyone says. This is Desmond Napples, more commonly known as Desmond is amazing. He's a 10 year old drag kid and an icon in the LGBTQ community. And icon. Well, like, how can you be a 10 year old icon? I laughed my shit off at honey boo boo. I don't see how this is any fucking different than that fucking pig in a wig that they trotted out all across TV. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Um, I don't get a fuck. The kid seems like the kid seems like he's into it. I don't see how this is any different than sports. Like kids getting their clocks wrong by playing football and getting the fuck kicked out of them. Being around guys that I don't want to be like being a rather be around these guys than a bunch of guys coaching Little League pop Warner football. This is the truth. Like if I had to pick one, I go to Burning Man with these guys and those other guys can fuck off and talk about little children playing sports all day. Yeah, not that. Piamantly arguing. Yeah.

Oh, you really care about that, huh? I don't know. It's like, now that I see this kid, now that I see this kid, I'm thinking like, he seems like he's really into it. Yeah. Like, like he cares. Yeah. So then fuck, I don't know.

I don't know. Well, one, two, yeah. Dustin, that's gotten a lot of well-deserved attention recently because A is really young and B because this guy

doesn't have all his teeth either. I'm sorry, but you're not going to see. Oh my God. You know what I was doing in three? I was proving on people at three. This was what Cassian chose and featured in magazines like Vogue. It has marched in the NYT. Like, I'm sure this kid is around less provocative stuff than he would be around me every day.

Well, man, that's probably true. You know, like watching, being in one episode of this show is more traumatizing than dancing around with a bunch of fruity shit, right? Talking about guys getting gifs of Siemens and their bowels going around. Yeah. Hazen Cruise singing about punching fat chicks. Yeah.

On Christmas. Talking about Israel. Well, that's right. That's more traumatizing than anything. I'd create since 2015. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm a dad of two boys, not much younger than Desmond. So I was curious to know more about him and his dad and how he grew so confident in expressing himself. I caught up with them the day before a fashion show in Brooklyn. Hello. I'm Josh. How's it going? That's right in you. It's going on. That's a shame for him. He's a shame. Hello. That's me. That's me. That's me.

It's going on. I can't say from here. Okay. You look on. He looked at Motherfucker in the eyes. He's a child. He doesn't. Right.

And you fucking eyes. He doesn't seem like he's traumatized. Well, yeah. He doesn't seem like it. And he doesn't seem like he's being like pushed into it or. Oh, man. Oh, man. Of course, he's. He's got to be pushed into some degree.

Well, I don't know. I mean, I think it's probably us, who are you? He might find that he's, that he's like the one ads at 10 years old. Oh, gotta mix up with myself. Oh, no, that's like a, no, it's, this is like a, I don't know,

it starts as like a hobby or something fun, maybe, I don't. He probably hates it. He probably enjoys, he seems like he enjoys performing. He obviously put that makeup on. Well, I mean, I've tried to put makeup on. Fucking all over the place. Very theoretical purposes, obviously. Yeah.

It's like you got, it looks like a clown got raped when you did it. Yeah, I really tried. Yeah. It's like you got, it looks like a clown got raped when you did it. Yeah, I really tried. Yeah. Oh, well, fuck you, rods. In full makeup, do you develop your own looks you do with your mom? Do you do with your dad? I do with my mom. And what are the inspirations? From the club kids of the age of the 90s. You're 10, right? How did you become exposed to like the club kid? Does that make sense? I love RuPaul so much that I wanted to see footage of him back in the days.

So RuPaul was like part of the club kid soon back then? RuPaul is like his Mickey Mantle, and is like his Mark McGuire. I loved Mark McGuire as a kid. Turn out he was a big juicer, Sean. Not a very good role model for me. Yeah. That was why I'm so into drugs and behaving recklessly.

RuPaul has never been in any kind of juicing type controversy. Hezzy? Not that kind of juice. You also met RuPaul. Yeah. I tried to call him. Yeah, tell me about that. That Jack Hanney was giving a speech about how the kids will be able to express

himself. And you wave at me and I thought that was just going to be it. But then he he was like, can you come up here and I was I just ran up there. Oh god, he turned him. So you started looking at him. At that point, did you already know that you was like a gay paladin? Yeah, gave him the, yeah. I wish that was true. I was giving the touch of trans. No, he's just a drag queen. Still a straight man.

Yeah, there's a guy. Well, I know there's some drag, I don't even know what he is. Well, he probably doesn't know, who knows? So maybe he knows. He's 10, he doesn't have sexuality yet. He's 10, yeah, exactly. He's a drag queen.

Again, he doesn't have teeth yet. Yeah, I knew it since inside was too old specifically drag you're like I want to do this thing called drag Do you think of it as performance? Yeah, I think about it I'm stuck in Express yourself. Yeah, I think we know all right I'm always talking to Express yourself. Yeah. It's a very lucky thing. I think we know.

All right. I mean, look. Keep it planned. You want to be able to express yourself the way you want to and not have your parents. Judge me? Yeah, judge you. Like they encourage that.

They don't really care. They just let me be myself because they said that's not good to indulge You child into forcing them to do something out like to do Alright, I heard the magic words. What do your parents think my parents don't care. Yeah, that's it. That's a Parenting not a plus a Ask a kid. How would your parents? How would you describe your parents reaction? What you do? They don't give a shit. I mean, you can't ask for more than that.

You can ask for more than that, but you can't hope for more than people just not giving a shit about what you're doing. That's really trans, drag, man, woman, lesbian, Israel, whatever it is. What have asked for more than that? What are the up and down votes? That's people who dislike this video. No, no, no, no, I know what they are. I mean, what are the numbers? Oh, 2004, 4000 against.

Huh. It's two to one against. Well, I don't know. There you go. I guess I know that I've seen, I care a lot less than you even did before. Well, then I, just my initial gut reaction was like, I don't like it. Now I don't care.

Yeah, now it's like, I just doesn't seem like anything's that wrong. Well, I don't know. Okay, here's how I think of it. All right. We know things that are wrong. Yeah. We have decided that some things are wrong with children. We are not able to stop them all.

So why don't we crack down a little harder on the things we know are wrong first before we start thinking about what might be fucked up? Yeah. How about we do that for everything? No, that's got a lot of people very hungry in the US. We don't need to start fixing Syria before everyone in America is looking at weight loss surgery because they're so fucking full of food in the land of plenty.

We have a lot about problems that I think we've just given up on solving entirely. So we go new ones and then put some effort into that. So it looks like we're making progress on certain things. Yeah. It's a lot easier to shine a flashlight all around and then spot a problem. Okay, done. Next one, got it.

Got it. Like, don't worry, we've got a lot of spotters. We'll always will. Okay, let me get back to the news. Arguing with how that work out for you, pussy. Paul Queen Kerry announced the 2018 Spurgey's awards, asking Dickhead's to vote on who had the biggest spurgout of the year.

Big brain black M1 by a landslide. His complete meltdown in and out of the group surely secured his victory here. Second place belongs to Mr. Buswife, Sean Willing, the fake family man who was revealed to have solicited others in full force with a horse. And third was taken by Miss Kayley Rose, the shutdown is happening girl who was believed

to be responsible for the group's shadow ban earlier this year. A notable mention that did not make the list is Chris the Kiwi who continues to go after any woman that commented on Dix Perse about him in his messages to me. He's still doing it. He revealed that he believes his autism was caused by vaccines and he asked me if sex. Something autistic person would say because he told him he was sexually attractive. That's the test. Yeah, that's a test. Get autism. What was it caused by? Yeah. Uh, yeah. Vaccine genes. Yeah. Okay.

You pass. Yeah. Only an autistic person. You're like the blade runner for autism. Imagine a turtle. The turtle has autism. Yeah. Where did it get it?

Right. Vaccines. Yeah. Oops. It's caused by vaccines. And he asked me if sex between cousins was wrong because he told his he was sexually attracted to her and doesn't know how she'll take it. Lastly, what was that?

Did you hear that? Yeah, this is still Chris. Yeah, what did he say he was attracted to? This cousin. And I think he told her, but yeah, he doesn't know how she'll take it. That guy would fuck anything. Anything with a pussy. You put a pussy on this table, he would fuck it.

He would threaten to cut its fingers off. I gotta read his, he wrote that email he sent his prison in Maine, asking her to marry him. He sent it to me. Really? Yeah, I gotta read it next week and try to get hold of her. He's been dealing with an unusually high amount of reporting incidents, words like thought and fat are getting people's luck for extended periods of time.

And even the spurgey poll was reported, giving Carrie the zuck again. The issue has been so bad that our local capyboy, Lamar West, has created a mastodon server for the group as a report-free alternative. There are 43 members so far, and if you have any questions about this group, you can visit help.dickshow.social for answers. To all the dickheads out there, Mary Christmas. This has been the Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple days. There you go, dickshow.social. To a block-free social group.

For you, Sean. Thank you, Emily. Hey, dick, Sean. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Drive into the mall. I got a real rage. Oh, I got a good one.

So, whoo! That's not a good one, everyone else. I go to do the one we were seeing still legal that I could do to get some relief. I go to buy a gun. So I go to sports academy or Don Ums or some place, it doesn't fucking matter. I go up to the counter and say, hey, let me see that shotgun there. The black one with the short barrel and the long magazine.

Let me see that one. So I'm holding it, finger fucking it, right in the slide, aiming at it, shit. And the failure goes, oh, what are you going to do with this? What are you going to do with that? I got a really dysfunctional family. I put it in the corner. Maybe she'd every three, four years. He says, well, you know, you've got to be real careful. You can't keep that in your house unless you think you can use it if someone breaks in. If you can honestly look me in the eye and say that you can point that at someone to shoot them with it, you shouldn't buy that. Okay.

Motherfucker. You work at Dick's sporting goods. You fucking boomer. What kind of question is that? What do you use some moral authority? Just only the gun. How fuck do you what I do with it? Anyway, it's a good one.

Yeah, that's a weird thing to say. Gun guys, gun guys are asking for it. They just want that Armageddon so fucking bad. They want this collapse of society so fucking bad. All this planning, then it's all gonna pay off for them, Sean. All these rations that they got from a guy. It's all gonna pay off. You know, gotta be careful with that gun.

Well, yeah, like a safe, like a locking man, and you know, whatever, I'm just me living by. No, no, I mean, are you prepared to kill? Yeah, from other fucker, you work at a dick sporting goods. You don't even have a 401k at this job. You have much bigger concerns than my capacity to murder someone who's put me in a self-defense type of situation. Wait, do you think that the the seller was saying it like you need to be prepared to shoot someone or like do you think you could really shoot someone?

He was saying it because behind the counter, he's beating off when he's talking about killing somebody in a morally justified way. Like most, like a lot of guys do when they're talking about guns. Yeah. Hey guys, we're all about free expression, right? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you know, what if they all do, when you're talking with multiple gun guys get together, you got to those NRA meetings that I go to with coach, they've got a rule where you have to have your hands on the desk at all times. So no beating off. No, there's no beating off about fantasizing about killing people in a morally justified way. Right. And somebody will get close to you, like, oh yeah, yeah, we'll be I do a seminar about gun safety because you know, you never know when you're gonna, guns are very dangerous, but we do need them because you never know when you're gonna need one

and they start creeping in. It's like, if somebody breaks into your house, they could mean how long. They're talking in a low voice, like you're reading an erotic story. Uh-huh, and then you're gonna wake up at night and you see that gun in the corner of the room And you start hearing thumping coming from

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey stop beating off about fantasizing about killing people in a morally justified way stop it stop it do that at home. Oh shit All right, do that at home to it at home Let me get a Rodic book series like That'd be a good erotic book series. Like, and women, and R.A. Circle jerks. And R.A. And R.A. erotic stories.

Yeah. Guys, coming into your house, trying to steal your stuff, and then you banging, maybe would be a woman, thief, who comes in, and then you subdue her with your tactical shotgun, like and it's all technical and shit. Yeah. And then she's like, boom, you blow the criminal out. It's been a lot of time describing the gun. Yeah.

I was like two criminals and a woman criminal come in and you're like, bam, kill the two guys and the woman's like, oh my God, so fucking turned on by your second amendment. It's very annoying. Hey God, so fucking turned on by your second amendment. It's very annoying. Hey, Dick, hey Sean. Oh, here's what makes me a fucking rage tonight. I went to a Christmas party. They had a secret Santa. I got the wish list from the person I was assigned to.

I got them, you know, some shit from their list. I spent about, you know, like 75 bucks and not an inconsiderable amount of money. A lot, somebody I don't know. I bought them the shit, they were excited about it, it was cool, and then the person who was assigned to me got me a bunch of shit that wasn't on my list, spent literally $15.

And the worst part is, the kicker, is that you're not allowed to be mad. When someone you don't know, buys you a bunch of shit you don't care about. Yeah. And the one piece it was totally unusable because the quality of the manufacturer of the ship was so low that i immediately had to throw in the garbage it's like it's unbelievable the key to secrets and how to perfectly

good led to the vibrator you don't do secret Santa and then you just buy yourself whatever you would put down the list and you're good just be happy you know you can buy something for somebody but but it's you're just literally throwing money into a bonfire it's complete coverage yeah and it just gives you that little the little piece of you know maybe somebody might be cool maybe somebody

i'll solve the sign to like someone with a bunch of disposable income or somebody who has uh... you know they're just feeling good you know they feel good for the season like so they're gonna spend seventy five dollars on someone they don't know and get them some cool shit from the wishlist usually there's a cap on that right i mean seventy five dollar back lottery tickets

and you're not allowed to be mad when you don't know i write you don't even have that company 15 to $20 max. Yeah. All right. Go fuck yourself. That sucks. He's right.

The worst thing is you got to sit there and just smile. Yeah. Take it. Great. Dominoes. You know, if you get a shitty secret Santa present, really, it's, you got to give yourself the present of having a huge meltdown about it. Yeah. You know, give everyone else the present of having a huge meltdown about it. Yeah, you know.

Give everyone else the present, too. Yeah, that's bad. That's right there, just spike it. Spike it on the tile. This is bullshit! A fucking phone case. I spent $75 on this barbecue spice pack from Omaha Stags.

Yeah, that was me. Fuck me. I already, you think I don't have a fucking phone case, you dumb bitch, who doesn't have a phone case, who wants a fucking phone case, fuck you! And then throw it. Then leave. Merry Christmas, you bitch!

Buy myself boxing gloves for next year's Christmas party. Just lottery tickets. Get everybody lottery tickets for Secret Santa. Yeah, what's the max? 50 bucks, ego, 50 dollars of scratch offs. Yep, there you go. Couldn't possibly be better than that. Hey, Dick, what makes me average is people who won't answer

the question, met the mall, looking for a white elephant gift, a $20 gift for this white elephant exchange for this one. Lottery tickets, man. And I find two things that are fine, like a puzzle and some wine glasses that are both like 20 bucks. So I text my dad, hey, wine glasses. You can't do the puzzle.

This is a man we're talking about. This is what he has to do. This is a, this is manufactured consent. Yeah, consent does not exist. This is a full grown man at the store, shopping between a puzzle and wine glasses And if he's been convinced by society that this is choice. Yeah, to do this. Yeah, absolutely preposterous Is better and he responds with wow those are both great gifts

I think a lot of people would be interested in the puzzle or in the wine glasses. Yeah I think a lot of people would be interested in the puzzle or in the wine glasses. Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. Answer the goddamn question. Hey, how about you stop bothering me with every stupid decision that comes into your it's fucking hard to make decisions. I don't care if it's between a puzzle or a wine glass.

I don't want to make it stop bothering me with every single choice that comes, I've got my own, I've got my own life of puzzles and wine glasses to pick from. I don't need to take on yours too. You think you're the only one in the world that's got to pick between a puzzle and wine glasses today? I got my own choices to make.

Dad can't text his choices. Who does dad text a choice to? The choice, black stops right here. Yeah. Endless choices. All of them are bad. Make the call yourself, which one would you pick? What's it for a secret Santa?

It's puzzle, it's the puzzle. Everybody's got wine glasses on your head. Everybody's ready. Yeah, it's the puzzle. What was the puzzle. Everybody's got one, you got wine glasses already. Everybody ready? Yeah, it's the puzzle. What was the puzzle of? I don't know, of one glasses. I was hoping it was Garfield. Yeah, he's Zany.

How come there's no Garfield land? No, Disney land. I don't know. It's got a lot of characters like Orson, those fucks at the farm and Lyman Yeah, how come they're they're not like a not spray farm. They're not at six flags Any of the shitty e-litches. They're not in any amusement park at all Everybody knows Garfield. Yeah, but he's nowhere

Why not Fucking Dolly Parton had Dolly Parton should buy the rights to have Garfield guys walk in. Is Dollywood still open? Is it still a thing? I assume so. Tits are still big. Why would it not be?

She's got to be 85. Right? I mean, how the fucking old is she? No, I know she's still alive because she had like, she's not special. Yeah. Let's see here. I, that high day from see here. Hi, Dave from Tucson here.

I had a moment, much like a South Park Cartman episode where he hears something so funny, he can't laugh anymore. I was on the phone with my sister, who's registered in her swing, you know, like 10 fucking years in college. Why the fuck would she do that? She graduated in Bola at Bullshit. She's talking to a friend who had a story about a fat man who needed a CT scan. You went to the doctor's office, you know, ER or whatever the, you know, like, I don't even see police. And me, came this job was flapping you understand. Who fat for one? Who fat for one?

And he had to pay his face down. So he used to be scared. And he had to pay his face down. So he used to be scared. And he had to pay his face down. And he had to pay his face down. So he used to be scared. And he had to pay his face down.

And he had to pay his face down. So he used to be scared. And he had to pay his face down. And he had to pay his face down. And he had to pay his face down. And he had to pay his face down. And he had to pay his face down. And he had to pay his face down. And he had to pay his face down. He was very very large man the weight of the regular Cp scan wouldn't take him so you know you had use the ones for hippos Weight in nature And all they had to have him do was get from his wheelchair onto the platform. Oh no

That kind of that and the hippos are all waiting in line. Yeah, come on. I'm gonna have all day. Oh look, right? They're like, look at this fat ass. He's gonna break the fucking thing. I'm from a heart attack. Oh shit.

Get into the museum to see if he was all right at his mortgage. Check. Damn. I was laughing so hard. That's an instant. I just stopped. Yeah, it's too much.

And I thought this is the funniest thing I've ever heard. That's how I know I'm a sick fucker because this is hysterical. And I laugh. Even though it's... But I just thought that. So he was so fat. So he was so fat. How did he come into the thing and say I needed a CG?

I guess somebody wheeled him in, right? Not important. Yeah, call them on the phone, ate the phone. His last words were all the way over there. Jesus Christ. And the hip-hung is going home. Yeah, yeah, just can go. You're never going to believe this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ain't never gonna believe this shit get up on the table Thank God he was at the zoo they already have the crane there to lift dead animals, right? Yeah Oh my god, that's insane Oh my God, that's insane. You think the zookeepers were there? Cause they know how to use the machine. Well, you must have had the doctors and the zookeepers there. Yeah. What did you do?

Maybe they just out of habits, sedated him. You know, it's hard to stop. I don't have it. I mean, cause yeah, much bigger. Much bigger. Much bigger. They're not gonna lay there for the catsgan, right? Right, right, right.

They don't know. It's for their own good. Right. It shoved a turkey-based or full of fucking downers into them. And like, oh shit, did you just, oh, fuck, it was habit. Fuck. Fuck.

Don't tell anybody. Yeah. They'll just assume that he died because he's fat. Yeah. That is one of the fucking funniest voicemails we've ever had. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Ha. I want to see a documentary of that day. Good. Someone meet me halfway with them. What's I'm putting? Are you sure I have to do it? Yeah, it's no big deal. Just get up and get on the table. Right.

Look dangerous. No, it's not. God. Hmm. In glory has been. Yeah. Hard attack on a hard attack while climbing onto the zoo CT scan. Well, it was hit his summoning of Everest.

Yeah. You know, I mean, he's a little guy that climbed Everest, Everest, Lawrence Edwards. What the Sir Edwards? What was the name? No, it's Edmund Hillary. Edmund Hillary. climbed ever, ever, ever is Lawrence Edwards. What the Sir Edwards? What was his name? No, it's Edmund Hillary. Edmund Hillary. Of course, Hillary Clinton's fake name.

She says that she was named after him. Yeah, but like James Barnabas. 10's, he did. 10's, he did a 10's, Norge. Is this, is Sherpa? Yeah. Who's cold that day? Unforgiving table was there in front of me.

I wonder how far he got. Oh, he just never made advanced base camp. Was the first step of your heart? It goes nuts trying to pump. Why is it called faster? Well, his went nuts trying to pump, putting through his veins. Right. The viscosity was just too much, putting through his veins. Right.

The viscosity was just too much. He was so nervous. Yeah. Yeah. It was all pulled down in his legs. Couldn't make the return trip. And a zoo guys got goddamn it. See?

Right. I told you, I told you this would happen. I knew this would happen. You think the doctor guys was like, well, see, it's your problem. This is your X-ray machine. Well, it happened on zoo property. Yeah.

So the zoo keepers need to... You guys have to deal with this shit. Right. Not us. I know you got big equipment. I've seen that elephant shit shuffle. Yeah. You can take this one.

That means the corner had to come and more guys had to be involved. Yeah, no, it's true. Then to back up a flat bed. This is a corpse to get up, yeah. This is insane. Merry Christmas. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, this is the funniest voice I've ever liked. I thought it would just be that he went to the zoo to get a cat scan.

No, there was a bonus. There's a bonus. Okay. We won't learn too more. okay one or two more yeah dick i gotta tell you man i'm not a father person can't me i might be emotionally damaged and uh... i don't need to you fight you know i need to handle me with ginger ginger mitz you know talking about

ginger mitz the old ginger mitz the old ginger mitts. The old ginger mitts. The old ginger mitts. It's all the ginger mitts. That's right. Sorry. I can't believe it.

Hold on. That's like the unholy baby of a gingerly and kid gloves, I think, right? Yeah, ginger mitts. Ginger mitts, you know? Yeah. You don't have to handle me with ginger mitts. No. Sounds better.

Yeah. Kind of does. Nice scent,. No. Sounds better. Yeah. Kind of does. Nice scent, you know. Kid gloves. Yeah. Handle me gingerly. Right. Take those ginger mits off.

Right. Here we go. That was a lot. That was a lot of shakes. The old Andrew from each of you know, okay? See it all. See the best. But Dick, yeah.

I'm not even kidding you. I'm sitting in bed and both of my nostrils have been swollen shut for 24 hours and annoying. So annoying because people will say stuff like, will you spoil your door? Do you think that's it? That is annoying. How about I blow your fucking head off? How about that?

It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a mouth all the time. It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a big thing.

It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a big thing. no i have i'm waiting there in first what's that i actually consider i'm actually consider to a but i think that's what i think that's what i think that's what i believe that's real it's so god damn annoying i think i think i would rather be if you get a prison camp then then have

not have not the use of my nostrils that that makes me a rage what anything in the world i I was actually thinking there. I'm sitting there in a bathroom, thinking like, yeah, what if I can get like surgery where they just drill two holes? I always think that too. Block your source.

Break it to either eye. That would be the worst. Let's get cracking a source. I'm going to swore in the sweat. I'm pretty frustrated that can you tell? I'm very upset. Yeah. Yeah, why can't they just drill in there? It's gotten so bad where I have also contemplated, because you can't sleep, wakes you up in the fucking middle of the night. Because he's right, it's not, it's not.

It's like your nasal passages are swollen shut. Yeah. Just drill it up. Why can't you just poke a hole up in there? Or just like, fuck it. Permanent implants. You know, like shut. Yeah, just drill it up. Why can't you just poke a hole up in there? Or just like fuck it, permanent implants.

You know, like pipes. Yeah, they can't be collapsed. Otherwise, you gotta go get that nasal stuff, but then you get addicted to that. You certainly do. Very quickly. You do. How come the body mod community only focuses on

mods that make them look stupid, like cutting your tongue in half. I've never wanted to cut. I can't like that, man. Sinus related things are a problem. Unless you can move each side of your tongue independently after it's cut in half, I don't see the allure. I think they kind of can. Really? Yeah. Like, making my eye lids maybe a little see-through-y on them, that would be cool. Yeah. Because I've very vulnerable, I've always feel vulnerable when I blink.

So I can't see what's like, you could come at me and attack my penis. Yeah, there could be a really fast bastard out there who could get you. Right. Damn it. Like Bernie Sanders and the road runner together. Yeah. I mean, and stealing my stuff. 80 Bernie Sanders and the road runner together. Yeah.

I mean, and stealing my stuff. My 80 millisecond blank just fucked me. A little drill into the old sinuses. Yeah. That'd be great. That person will get a Nobel Prize, who the first person to drill into their brains correctly, and figure it out.

Because it's the most, yeah, it's the most annoying thing about severe allergies. Yeah. Because you're nasal passive. And you feel it closing up, I think, oh God, no, no, no, no. So I try to like, do you do this when you've got a nose plugged up with cold? Yeah.

You lay on the one side, so it goes to the other side of your head. Yeah, I try everything. Well, you know, because then it will slime, I don't know what it is in there, but it will slime over somehow, and then this side will be plugged, and you will so quickly forget how good it felt on it.

So I'll try to roll back and forth and trap it in the middle. Like one of those stupid games with the balls, getting it in the hole, I'll sit there and bat and like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, so I'm gonna keep it in the middle. So both are kind of open.

You end up just breathing through your mouth all night and your lips are all chapped and your tongue feels like a fucking Terry cloth. Jesus should have died for that. Sinus relief. Yeah. I would rather have my sins. I would rather have my sinuses relieved

than my sins forgiven. You know what, every now. If he did that, everyone would be the same religion. People would go, Muhammad, who? Yeah. If Jesus had done that, but he fucking blew it. Okay.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.