The Dick Show - Episode 150 - Dick on Bad Assumptions

Episode Date: April 16, 2019

A timeline of screwups, bureaucracy, mass shootings, bad assumptions, and how Road Rage: Australia was ruined, hot monkey bars, making the Internet safe for women, vegans, the correlation between selfies and suicide, mutual understandings between hostile negotiating parties, Sean feeds a Wallaby, and the most embarrassing time I've ever thrown up; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Dick should let Chris calling whenever, but cut it out of the episodes and just post his calls separately. I'm going to do that from now on. I'm going to cut every single word of the show and have it as a separate download. So if you don't like any segments and have it like a construct itself, like a web, so you can like the way Google does searches, they have every letter of every word mapped so that there's nothing actually stored in the engine like early Wordpress shit. Yes. Yeah, so if you don't like it, then you can

Tag them all and you can be you can build the episode if you don't like anything Right filter right around it. Dictionals madlibs. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I would be okay with this. I listened to his call at least four times and had to skip ahead to find it. So Scott, you like him. Fat ox, the great. You hate him. Okay.

Sean is still in Australia. James Morgan's there. That's terrific. I'm sure he's still around since there's Sydney. Yeah, Sean is still in Australia. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Patreon support to not to listen to Chris. Maybe I should do a podcast of Chris the Kiwi that you have to pay to not listen to. Patreon.com slash no more Chris the Kiwi.

It's like how you two put their shit on your phone? Yes. And you'd have to, if you want to not listen to Chris the Kiwi, you can go pay there, pay and then not listen to him. It's a good read. It won't remove it from, it won't remove it from the show. But you will be able to not listen to him.

That sounds pretty good. Yeah. Man, I gotta watch my ass today. I gotta watch my shit. You know what I need, honestly? Just good clean jokes in debate today. Perfect. That's all I need. That's all I need. Let's do it. One smile.

One smile? I don't think I have what day is today. Sunday I haven't smiled since Tuesday. Jesus. It's been nothing but chewing out and aggression and sadness and sorrow and misery and fatness. Don't forget about the fatness, Johnny. Never forget about the fatness. Oh, I remember it every day. Now, I know why Elvis was so fat because he was so sad.

That's why. I mean a little opiate abuse will also do that. Give me the opiates. I need them after the show. I need opiates immediately. I need something. I need something. Let's do it.

Give me a bottle. Give me that blunt means nothing to me. I need a, I need a Heath Ledger size, super size bottle of fentanyl or whatever the kids are doing these days. Fentanyl, right? It's no, it's not oxycontin anymore. Tim, Tim pool is on Nick Rackett's right now talking about how he's suing that porno company. I guess, what a fucking idiot. Subverse, it's not even a good name. Oh, fuck, I wasn't streaming at whole time.

All right. Whip it, I might need. Leave all that in Sean. Sean's gonna be, I hope Sean's gonna be editing this. Who knows? Now you're not. If he even comes back. Sean's never coming back.

Fuck. Sean's gonna take my dream vacation and then he's gonna go live my dream life after it. He's gonna come back and he's gonna be me. Well that's the thing is I'm only here for this episode, so that's it. Yeah, how's the sound in the YouTube? Does everybody, is the sound fine in the YouTube?

Sean's doing a war in act, a war reenactment in Australia right now. And then I'm, that'll be all, that'll be what, that'll be it for me. Sean, well, after having hosted two of the shows, the road rage is Sean will become me. And then there will be no more me anymore. It'll just be Sean.

That'll be it. He'll come back. Sean will come back and I'll be wearing a V-neck. And I will do that Twitch with, now Twitch that everybody points at the beef jerky, the beef jerky jerk. That's Sean does, see, I don't know if that's funny or mean. I can't tell because I'm so fucking sad and angry.

I can't regulate my emotions to this degree, so I don't know what's gonna come out of my mouth because I'm too sad and also angry. I don't know what's, I don't know what's gonna happen. And I'm aware of it, but I can't do anything to stop it. How's the levels? Are the levels good? The levels are great.

Let's just, let's do it. Is that thing? Hey! Yeah! Yeah! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! I can't even, yeah, yeah! Dick. Dick. Dick.

Dick. I can't even yell my way through this one. I can't. Dick, I'm ready. No! Dick, no! Welcome to Dick. You want Dick and you need Dick?

Maybe you love Dick, I hope so. You got it, it's the show where everything is a contest that I lose. Coming to you live, not from Australia, but from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure. I am your host, the voted the worst Mexican one week running the negative 20 million dollar man or however much that dream tripped Australia caught the negative a million dollars man Dick Masterson, Sean couldn't make it this week because he's in Australia hosting the Sean show

from Melbourne, Melbourne, I'm never gonna say a wrong again Melbourne, the name of the town is Melvin, I got two cocky, and that's what happened to me. Let it be a lesson, don't be all cock. Reserve some of it for humility, 99% cock, not full cock. With me, this week is Johnny the audio engineer. Thank you, dude.

Hey, what's up, buddy? How are you? Oh, look at that weird thing on your face. It's a smile. I haven't seen one of those since Tuesday. Since Tuesday, I haven't seen one of those. I've been sitting in face down like a pig in McNuggets. I've been unable to be roused from bed for five days straight. That's not true, but it might as well be on

US time while the Australian immigration office is closed. I am in a catatonic state watching catfish eating cats up on i don't know why that got all catty i have been watching catfish over and over and over because i had to find some people who are dumber than me and even in that show i don't know if i have the dumbest people in the world catfish yet half an hour to laugh at the stupidest people in the world catfish. She had half an hour to laugh at the stupidest people in the world. And I said they're thinking, these people are smarter than me.

These people are better than me and every conceivable way. Their judgment is superior to mine. My judgment is terrible and flawed and sick and weak and wrong. And it has misled and people and Disappointed them and wasted money and I who am I to judge these idiot catfish people Just just because it's obvious that that guy is talking to another man and sending fake pictures of a woman And he has a flip phone so he can't voice chat. That is just because it's obvious he probably would

be an Australian just fine if he was running my life. Who am I to judge? This is what Jesus meant all the time. Judge, not lest you fuck up your Australian tour with fuck ups. I think that's how scripture goes. I went to Pilates in preparation for Australia because I didn't want to look stupid. I didn't want to look too fat. want to look stupid. I didn't want to look too fat.

Do you know I take back everything. Fuck Trump. I take back everything I said about illegal immigration, open borders now, open borders now. People cannot be illegal. People are should be free to come and go as they please. What's a what's a wall gonna do? Wall is not gonna do anything. All you need is a guy standing behind a desk at Virgin Atlanta to say no, that's you don't need a wall for that. You just need a guy that says sorry, can't check in. No, you just need to know, no, is that free, Trump wasting money on a wall. I am not illegal. Open borders now.

Bernie for, I donate money to Bernie's campaign except I have none left. I burned it all in non-refundable plane tickets and hotel rooms and trips to Penguin Island that I knew I shouldn't buy in advance, but and bridge walks and a, Johnny. You want any adapters?

Do you want any adapters for Australia technology? Do you want any adapters? I technology? Do you want any adapters? I've got a bushel of adapters that I two hour expressed myself before I left for the airport. Oh, I'm the most prepared person in the world right now. Look at this, I've got adapters pouring out of my pockets. They're going to call me Johnny Adapter. See, I'm going to leave some of these in Australia just in case.

I've got Australian adap Australia just in case I've got Australian adapters just in case I packed do you know how pathetic and unpacking a suit case of perfectly fine clothing is do you know how pathetic it feels to unpack clothes that you have packed to unpack clothes that you have packed without having used. I'm surprised you're still alive. I was Craigslisting exit bags. All the first I went on Urban Exturion and said, what is an exit bag? Oh, okay, okay.

And then I went on Craigslist all day, but you know, they don't really sell them. I stayed sale. I'm trying to laugh again, okay? If I sound a little weird, it's because I'm trying to laugh again, but I feel like dog shit. I feel like shit, dog shit that the dog eats, you know, like you'll have a chocolate lab

with a brain ink quite right, because of the inbreeding. Not that women have any problem with that, of course. But then they go around whatever compensating for their iron, iron deficiency in their diet, and they eat their own fresh shit off the lawn and the other shit of other dogs, and then they will shit it out. I feel like that shit.

Jesus. The pressure, the pressure in my head. I've, this is not even a joke. I've worn my fingertips down to the point of raw nerves where I have to touch my touchscreen like a black woman at the DMV with gigantic, or Latina woman, whatever kind of woman, whatever kind of woman with giant ass and ethnic nails

like I'm navigating with my fucking pinky because I've refreshed my phone on the stupid immigration visa site over and over and over and over like a freak like rainman definitely this time definitely this time definitely this time definitely this time definitely this time definitely this time I've worn them down to nubs, because I'm so stupid. That's how you really feel.

Baby shoes, never worn. That's how I feel. Jesus. Baby shoes, never worn. I even fake-tanned myself, so people would ask me how my trip to Australia went and I can just make up some preposterous lie. Oh, it was great.

And then I'll just start crying. Crying, indeed. Yeah. You know what, I went to LAX, got turned away. Sorry, computer says now. I might as well, I wish I was wearing a tuxedo. Like I was going to my junior prom and getting, I wish I looked even more ridiculous

with that, oh no, sorry, you're gonna have to just leave now. Computer says now, oh, I wish that I was wearing a tuxedo with a boot near and trying to kiss the man behind the counter I should have puckered up. I should have puckered right up for that. Oh, here's my ticket I'd like to be checked in please yes abs absolutely visa. Yeah No What what do you mean? What do you mean no here? Isn't that something they do at the other end? No, I can't check in.

Wait, what? What? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? I've been all over, all over the world. Not to brag, which I know obviously I'm not bragging because I can't do it on command.

Obviously, obviously I'm not bragging, obviously, but I have been from Israel to a place that despises Israel more than anyhabi, more successfully than I went from America to Australia. Yeah. Made that one somehow. Don't everybody in it, well, you can't, you gotta be real careful going to Israel to Abu Dhabi. I don't have to know this, but they're not too crazy about each other.

You got to watch it. Okay, I'll be prepared. Oh, you gonna Australia? Knock yourself out. Absolutely, I will. Gonna be great. Gonna be stuck in stubbies. Gonna be a crack in the, whatever.

Guys, girls cracking them on the ass. Do not. No. Well, I guess I'll be talking about, I'll be talking about that today. Obviously, Sean, member and Sean deleted the episode. I deleted a whole tour. How about that? I feel so racked with guilt and loss

and failure over this. You know, it is, these shows are for me. Every single one of his life changing. It is a party with hundreds of people, the likes of whom you don't get to, it is the antidote for every other conversation with other people that I've ever had in my life. Whatever that feeling is, where you sit down in a bar with other people and they start talking to strangers and I say, and I think, God, stop talking to me. I do not care. The road rages are the antidote for that. And a reality that I have a limited, limited connection to that lessons by the day.

I was sure I had a puppet in this hand yesterday, but now it's just Gossamer. Their shows are he anted out to that for me. And I fucking lost a big one, lost a big one, Road rage Australia is completely fucked, Sean is there right now on a completely refunded show that is not, no one is working at it at all, just to make that perfectly crystal clear.

No one is working at that show, it's just Sean having a meetup with people that I'm addressing from a big screen, like the Wizard of Oz, except the Wizard of Oz, who's broadcasting from his head stuck up his ass. Like Zordon, except from the power rangers,

except it's from the shit rangers. Brown Zordon. Brown Zordon, this is what. Browns, or don. This is what happened. This is what happened. And then I'm gonna talk about what makes me rage. Lacey's gonna come in here. I'm gonna, if anybody in Australia wants to call in

and tell me what a shit bag I am, please feel free to. But this is the story. This is the story. And it's a story of, it's a story of bad assumptions, I'll just say. I don't, when something this catastrophically wrong happens, I believe me. Every ounce of me wants to, well, every ounce of me wants to blame something or someone,

but I've spent the last, I've spent days going over it. I have some huge problems. I have some huge problems. I have some huge problems, but it is my name on the show and it is all my fault. I will say what I think I could have done differently, but rest assured that this did not work and I take full, well, it's my fucking fault. Everybody's been really great about it too in Australia, but it's the sickness of knowing what I missed. Absolutely. It's two years after the first

Philly Road rage, and I know how I know what that show meant and what it felt like, and this would have been the first international one. And it's gone! like and this would have been the first international one. And it's gone! Ah, I woke up Tuesday morning. First of all, I got to thank James Morgan, the hero of the road rage Melbourne show. He was able to teleconference me in. Everybody said it wouldn't work.

Guy has more professionalism in his pre-com than I have in my entire body and I would raise my children to be just like him someday if I ever had them but I would probably fuck that up, Johnny. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. On the morning of the show, I woke up with an emergency phone call from Diego saying, you have no visa and the woman that we hired to get you your visa is threatening to call the venues if you attempt to board the plane with a tourist visa. He said, what? What do you mean? What do you mean threatening first of all? What about the what? I don't have, I don't have it.

I was under the impression that I did have it. I don't. And she's threatening why? Why would someone do this? What do you mean first of all? First of all, what happened? stop stop her why would she do that? Thirdly what the fuck am I supposed to do? It's today It's today. How is this? How is this today's news? You know what I said the last thing before I went to sleep was?

Hey honey, 80s girl, it's taken years. I can't believe that I finally got it all together. I had my remote podcasting equipment packed up like a fucking Boy Scout with a big fuck me sign tape to his back. Like his first day of Boy Scout Camp, or one of the counselors had just plastered a bit. Little did I know, it's a little Boy Scout podcaster with his tote bag of DAW equipment and microphones

and webcams and an interface so I could use my phone on the show and a bunch of mic cables and multiple adapters and a power surge. Little did I know that when I was tying my dickie, one of the counselors came by and slapped a sign of my back with tape that said, fuck me. Because that's exactly what was about to happen. So I said,

what? What do you, we'll stop her for God. Why? Why would she do this? Let me see if I've got. Yeah, this was, I think this was the email from the morning. You know what the ultimate irony is in all this? Sean of all people is hosting a comedy show.

A guy who didn't even want to be on the microphone, on episode one of the, an episode two of the biggest problem in the universe, he would set the microphone down. He didn't even know if he should be mic'd up and didn't want to be. He didn't want to be on camera. The first or second episode of this show,

I don't wanna be on camera, he's gonna say, ah, come on. He is now hosting a comedy show in an international comedy show in Australia, multiple city comedy show, while his friend, the world's biggest attention whore and dumbest attention whore, is stuck at home watching episodes of Catfish

and crying into McNuggets. If I sound salty, it's because I'm the most saltiest person in the entire universe. You should sue him. Sean, he sued. I'm gonna sue him the second he lands. I'm gonna serve us. Sabina right up his ass.

This email reads, Morning Diego, I've been in touch with my colleague as well as immigration as to the questions you asked. It's highly illegal if Dick comes to Australia and intends to work without the entertainment working visa. As I explained yesterday, if he boards the plane tonight on a visa, I'll be inclined to contact the venues to advise them that he is interdustralia without a working visa and

should not perform. Is this the fucking, this is the, this is this the fucking this is the this is the Sorry, I this is the sorry. I fucked up email But I get it as well Sorry, sorry. I didn't sorry. I didn't do what you paid me to do If you just try to come and like cancel the tickets and just meet people. I'm gonna call them. I'm gonna let them know I'm gonna call them and let them know. What about the fixing it part? Where does that come into this?

I have never heard of so many things going right, resulting in something so completely fucked up. Well, I did my job. No, you didn't. Well, I did my job, now you didn't. Well, I can vouch here, just talk to this other person. They can vouch for me. Yep, yep, she did her job. How do you figure?

How in the wide world of fuck, how in the name of Zeus' butthole is this a job successfully done? It is a massive fuck up. Did you email her? Eventually, but not at first. Ah, someone else shimes in. This person has pursued all avenues to date

and one thing I know for sure, it's that it's unwise to nag in these situations. The immigration department is well aware of the show dates and intended arrival date. It's the first thing they look at when the application is lodged. So not only did they do everything right, but also, you know, you understand sending any kind of email or follow up or calling people would be that's nagging. When has that ever worked?

When has that ever worked that harassing the government bringing something to the, when is that ever? When is it ever worked that following up the government bringing something to that? When is that ever? When is it ever worked that following up on shit resulted in a positive outcome for anybody? I said a text if I get around to it. I get a call like I said this Tuesday morning, the morning of the flight saying that I have no visa and that if I do intend to go to the airport and try to get to Australia, which was the backup plan, the venues would be alerted and the authorities would be alerted, essentially.

So what's that? Jesus. Yeah, right. So now we're begging with a person we paid for to not intentionally sabotage the trip. Because there's a lot of, look, it's still a fun fucking trip and I still want to meet everybody. Yeah. Just let it be.

So, as I said, bad assumptions. Been all around the world. You know, when you get into a country, you fill out a little fucking form, and you hand it to them, and then you talk to them, they give you a little interview. If there's a problem, they turn you around. If there isn't, they let you in. Yeah.

That's bad assumption number one, because that's not the case, but goddamn it. We tried all the way back in, I'm gonna walk everybody through this one so they can understand, and maybe tell me where I fucked up. I think understand it. Maybe tell me where I fucked up. I think I know a couple places where I fucked up. Tell me what you think.

Shit all over me for God's sake, but this is what happened. I gotta call that morning. No visa, I'm gonna call the venues. Guys, Carl, you remember Carl Lewis. Oh yeah. Carl Lewis is a, he's a world tour manager. For bands a lot bigger than me. Fucking Carl's an awesome guy, man.

Awesome guy. Awesome fucking guy. He makes the tours happen. All the fucking time he wrote us back in, he wrote us back in early February. Hey, I've just done a tour in Australia. Let me help you figure out this visa shit because it is not simple. A, I've just done a tour in Australia. Let me help you figure out this visa shit because it is not simple.

And everybody, everybody's on the internet saying that it, the same thing that it's not simple. So I said, oh, God, for God's sake, thank you, Carl. The day of the flight, though I have no visa, I have to wait till four for the offices to open in Australia. And as soon as it hits four, I start calling because they tell me, of course, you can get a visa, visit a visa. Despite what this woman is saying, of course, you can get a visa, visit a visa, and wait for the entertainment one to kick in. It's a simple process.

Happens all the time. Of course you can do that. You would be visiting. It's a separate process. But opposite of what this woman tells us, you understand. So I say, okay, that was the backup plan. Okay. Why don't we do before?

Diego said, well, because we were told it would overwrite the other one, right? Now we've got two conflicting stories. So I call, as I always do, I call immigration right away. First woman, yeah, you can't do that. That's not set. I call again, second woman. Of course you can do that. Absolutely you can do that. Absolutely you can do that. That's not set. I call again, second woman. Of course you can do that. Absolutely, you can do that. Absolutely, you can do that. However, you can't talk to anybody here.

They'll call you back in, they'll call you back in five days. I say, all right, look, man, get the, get the entertainer or get the, get the visitor visa then. Like, I just need to get there and then we'll figure it out at this point. Don't, this is not the time to figure out what happened. I just gotta get there. So, Diego fires up the internet, goes to sign me up for the relatively simple process. Click, click, click, pay the fee to get your tourist visa.

I'm coming in spending a lot of money, spending 12 days in your country. Works, works fine, right? Everybody assumes, assumes that it can work. Bapap. No dice. Apply, bapap. Nope, not approved.

Say, oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me. This is a stomach full of lead. So that's when I called and said, hey, this happened. The woman says, no, you can't do that. Next woman, that's not, no, it shouldn't happen. Do you have a criminal record? No. Do you have, did you fill it out wrong?

If I said yes yes does that help can you unfuck it up because right now i'm just staring at a black box this into this entire thing is that it reminded me of her knees the bureaucrat in future armor like i literally needed a guy to just take care of bureaucracy completely and be paid for it

to such a degree that he would consider it his like his responsibility familiar he needed to know every single step of the process it is that wild and that extreme in this case and every single person on the phone is uh... sucks uh... that doesn't make any sense, but there's nothing I can do. Then who? Exactly who do you have to actually get through to for somebody to put it, take a rubber stamp and put it on your fucking document. Oh, yeah, you're obviously fine.

Oh, yeah, this is obviously fine. She says, oh, that happens. Go to the airport, there's a desk, usually there. Somebody at Customs, you can talk to, talk to somebody at a desk, they'll be able to let you through. I go to the airport. Hey, I'd like to check in. This will be fine.

I'm having a proper meltdown in the Uber on the way there. Because it's now like, you know, Australia's been open for like an hour. I'm having a proper meltdown, screaming, screaming, screaming like a hysterical woman. Get to the airport, walk up to the old desk. Here you go. I'd like to, two tickets to asshole city, please. And I'll need one of these visas that you guys say you're selling.

Everybody's telling me to come here. It's no problem. No problem at all, as you would think it wouldn't be. Well, okay, this one didn't work out, well just a visit, oh yeah, sure, absolutely, no problem, scan it, check it, blah, blah, blah, blah,

putting your info, blah, blah, blah, I hear, that's weird. Oh God, no. Please God, please, please God, no. That's weird. Another guy, someone, another guy over tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, huh. That's weird. Did you say, did you enter into the system that you were, that you had a criminal background? You had a criminal history. You entered it. You entered it. You idiot.

Of course I didn't do that, Bama. Okay, well, we can't check you in. I said, you can't check me in. Because of the computer says, no, that's it. Who is this? Who the fuck is this system protecting? Israel to Abu Dhabi, not a problem in the world. Just a bunch of guys staring at you eyeball to eyeball.

This shit, a monolithic computer system that just spits out nose. You're on the wrong end of it, nose forever. Nobody can talk to in the fucking world. You can send an email here. Oh, the guy, but they got in your bag. They guy at my bag. What you want to do, you got to go, all of them together.

You got to go to the embassy tomorrow. They'll sort you out. Cause this is, this has never happened. I've never seen this happen before. Go to the embassy and they'll sort you out. Okay, so I say, Bon Voyage, Sean. Enjoy all that free beer and liquor that you don't want, that you don't drink anyway on this virgin flight, on this 18 hour flight, free beer, free wine.

Oh man, free stewardess is asses. Fuck. So we wake up at the ass crack of dawn, the drive to the And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about.

And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. And that's what we're talking about. after paying a pittance of twenty five dollars in parking at their ostentatious Beverly Hills sky scraper and say hi i'd like to talk to the embassy to straighten out this ridiculous problem with my and with my uh... with my visitors visa that people get all day every day and everyone that everyone is assured me is not a problem that even the woman who's in charge

of the entertainment visa said if i so much as tried should be so threatened by this this inevitably easily conceivable plan B that she would be forced to alert authorities I'd like to straighten this out. They have they hand me a card that says hey dumb fuck. We don't handle visas at all Never have never will we don't know why people keep telling people, we don't know why anybody ever comes here to get this sorted out. G.I. wonder why, because when you call, you get, you get a customer service droid that directs you to an email. That's fucked.

So I call them up. Is this true? No where in the United States can fix this for you, sir. You're fucked. So, the only option is to wait endlessly. Wait endlessly and wonder what the fuck went wrong. This is what, this is after I had sent the email saying, look, I can't, I don't know what happened, but I can't get in.

I was under the impression that it was procured. I don't know what happened, but I can't get in. I was under the impression that it was procured. I don't know why. I sent all of these details in February. I was told it takes 21 days. I don't know why. I don't know why the first time I'm hearing about it is on the morning of the flight, leaving no time at all. Very upsetting. morning of the flight, leaving no time at all.

Very upsetting. So, I spend all day on the phone with Australia again, nothing, of course, nothing, send an email. Yeah, what you wanna do? Well, yeah, we see that, we understand, nothing we can do. Can I talk to somebody? Oh, come on, come on. People are back there not working.

What do you want to bother them? And they're not working? By talking to them, you can't do that. Jesus man. So a dickhead helps me, a dickhead's girlfriend is an immigration lawyer and she helps me get on their system to see what exactly went wrong, like log in. I mean, this is the kind of thing that,

I'm not good at this stuff, you understand. I know this, so I pay people whose entire job it is to make it happen so that I can focus on things that I am at least able to produce, like comedy jokes and right and PowerPoints and things, I cannot, if you gave gave me I could not do this I couldn't produce it because I there's there's a series of steps that you have to go through and I'm just not good at it unless it's written down like microwave instructions which

it isn't in this case so I trusted a professional who had worked in such a capacity with someone I know personally who was able to successfully execute it and it did not fucking work and I after going through it all day and all week, I'll give you the timeline as I understand it. And I'm pissed about it, I'm pissed about a lot of it, but when I finally figured out using to the help of this immigration lawyer, this girlfriend of a dickhead, I found a they have a portal where you log in and file things, upload documents and these types of things. I imported my application into this portal for the entertainers visa, which by the way, we only applied for to make sure we were obeying the letter of the law. Only by doing the rules

properly did this get fucked. Always the, always, always the entire time I was told the possibility of the, well, you could just do it the gray market way and you know, just go and do it and keep your fingers crossed, right? Where's case, where's thing that happens if you get banned from Australia for five years, right? Who gives a fuck? No, do it properly. This is the letter. This is the letter from immigration that I see waiting in the portal. That was dated April 3rd. So this would have been sent to my immigration application, the person that I paid to do this. This was sent to her on 3rd of April, which was an entire week, a week before the flight,

10 days before, thank you for your recent email. The Department of Home Affairs recognizes the time taken to process your application, maybe causing you concern. So this was a response to something. You will appreciate that all non-citizens applying for visas to enter Australia are considered on an individual basis and against legal requirements set out in Australia's migration legislation.

This often includes requirements that all applicants undertake and meet checks that are undertaken by other offices, and this can take some time. Yeah, I bet. The timing for the completion of the checks varies from one case to another depending on individual circumstances. This is April 3rd, by the way. I'm unable to provide you with a definitive timeframe for finalization of your application. While we are aware of your intended travel date, it is unlikely that a decision will

be made on your application prior to that date. We will advise you once a decision on your application has been made or if further information is required. No help whatsoever. Where? Why was no one told about this fucking email saying, Hey, guess what? All of your plans? Probably not gonna work. When asked why this information was not relayed to me, the person we hired to relay messages said, ah, I've done all I can. Really? Everything was submitted on time.

Everything was submitted on time. I don't know what you guys are complaining about. Donald, do I have the actual email? I've really done all I can. It's in the hands of immigration. And given that Dick has engaged with an immigration account, I can remove myself from the process. It would be in Dick's best interest to take down his Facebook posts as immigration will

be monitoring this type of communication if he and if his intentions are to work, if he applies for the tourist visa to leave LAX Australia, I need in writing from you and Dick to withdraw the 408 application. As mentioned earlier, it becomes null and the tourist visa then overrides the 408. Also did Sean the audio engineer. Also Sean the audio engineer would have needed a 408 to be working here too, to take it. This is this person's response to everything is fucked. We're trying to cobble something together. I've done all I can do.

Take down your, the best thing that you could do would be to take down your Facebook post. Yeah. I don't know, is the timeline interested? Are you invested enough in this to hear the timeline of events, Johnny? I mean, I've, you know me, I've been busy at work this past week or so.

So I, and you know that I have been entire disbelief when it comes to everything I've been busy at work this past week or so. And you know that I have been entire disbelief when it comes to everything I've been seeing on the Reddit, but I think everyone else might be. Give me the full. February 15th. You can't apply. You can't apply for a work visa

without having your venues booked. That's the rule. You've got a show where you're working. You've got to show where you're working. You've got to show where you're working. You've got to show how much you're getting paid. You've got to show the dates. You've got to show your travel plans. I mean, this is like, this is like obsessive girlfriend. This is like bad girlfriend level, level marking that I immediately, okay, so somebody else has got to, has got to handle this. 216, Carl Lewis, you know him, contacted us saying that he's done this before and that he was willing to help out.

He knows somebody you could help him. He's going to use the same person who got a more difficult visa for him in the past in addition to help out. He knows somebody who could help him. He's gonna use the same person who got more difficult these for him in the past in addition to this one. Cost 400 bucks, get all kinds of documentation, and it will take 21 days to complete, but usually it gets done sooner. That's what I heard multiple times. Usually it gets done.

No idea why it's, no idea why it's just taking so long. This is never taken so long. No's no idea why this is taking so long if this is never taken so long No idea this why this is taking so long give plenty of time no idea no idea why it's not working for you plenty of time every single fucking time 224 I get a request for information 225 that's February 25th. I sent the next day. I send all the information back, everything. I got a letter from my health insurance saying I'm covered. Globally I'm covered. Everything else, everything.

Right away. 225, still plenty of time. Now this I will say is the first big fuck up. Sean had no passport. For whatever reason. I remember. So a contentious decision was made. I said, now my memory is that I said,

fuck Sean, get mine immediately, because it's the dick show. And if Sean doesn't, if Sean is not allowed to be on stage, it doesn't, I don't have to give tickets back. I don't have to give money back, right? I'm not allowed to be on stage. That's it. That's it.

Just worry about me first. Get it now. Get it now. Fuck Sean and his gay ass passport. Get it now. Now I don't know if now that's my memory of it, but memory can deceive you. Memory can deceive you.

For whatever reason, it was weighted until the fifth of March. Excuse me, it was weighted until theth of March for that information to be passed to the agent, including all the how much this was going to be paid and stuff like that. The agent responds with, your health insurance card is expired because you know American card is expired because you know American health insurance is yearly. It expired on the 28th of February. The card says, and then they send you the new one in the mail that has a year added because that's your plan. So for some reason that took until the 13th, at which point when that was updated, this was in the timeline of events.

The 14th is when that got put through. She says, I received the updated health insurance form, this delayed my ability to consult with the union. Unions have to be consulted first. I googledled of course what that entailed and it led to a page on the immigration site that was a 404 so that wouldn't have been much help leading me to think that the application process started on the 14th of march 15th of march a maniac loads up his shit-mobile with guns, fires up his Facebook

lives, and proceeds to execute dozens of people in a mosque in Christchurch, New Zealand. The day after, the day after, possibly on the same day. The day after my work visa was submitted. The next fucking day. Brrrrr. Well, well. Yeah, good luck. Well, I sure hope, I sure hope by plenty of time, you meant not a chance in hell.

March 20th, union endorsement received. I guess this is when it actually starts. March 20th it was submitted. No, there's no fucking way that would have gotten through. No fucking way that would have gotten through in time. No, absolutely no, but I don't know. I don't know what is normal. I don't know what's normal in these circumstances.

And after that shooting, honestly, nobody does. Every single thing leading up to this, every single assumption that anybody had made whether you could go on a visitor visa and apply for a work visa on Shoring they call the fucking government told me it was called on shoring it was totally fine and totally normal But when I tried to do it back back back computer says no Every assumption that every single person had made up until this point was bad and the the but the most

egregious point to me is the letter that came back on the third, saying there's no fucking, there is a very small chance that you're gonna, or whatever it said, not guaranteed. Unlikely that it's to get looked at. Because then we could have at least told people, hey, something has gone horribly wrong. Fucking tell me, tell me, you have to, you have to give bad news. You have to love giving bad news. Yep. It's only way anything gets done. And the threats to call the, obviously the threats to call the venue are just egregiously

are beyond the pale in terms of ass covering. Oh, I can't, well, you know, if something did happen and it didn't get through and you did this thing, that would reflect poorly on me. Uh, yeah, I mean, I can see how transparently you're trying to cover your own fucking ass by ratting us out. If we're gonna play that game, did you cover your ass for this one? Because I didn't hear about that. I didn't hear that on the third a whole week before, a week and a half before.

It was unlikely that this would get processed in time and that to nag doesn't how presumably wouldn't help. I'm so, I'm so angry. I'm so angry about it. Everybody deserves to have the timeline. I don't know if it's interesting, but it is, it is, at least a lesson in how bad assumptions can result in so I still, still, still, still I hear, I was completely normal, completely normal for people to get it, for it to get approved at the last minute like this. Well, maybe in a pre-shooting world, that was true,

but I have to imagine that any application submitted on the day before a globally sensationalized atrocity like that shit that took place in New Zealand had something more than a marginal to no effect on the processing time of these visa applications. I have to assume that it had some kind of crisis effect. What a mess, what a fucking mess. What a fucking mess. Mass big delay, big delay there, big fucking delay to the 20th, big delay to the 8th for,

but what can you do? What can you do but say, what can I do but say, I'm sorry to everybody? I don't know. I'll go on an apology tour. I floated that one. I went out to Joshua Tree and laid in the sun and let the sun do the thinking for me. I couldn't even drink. I couldn't even reward myself with drinking and while doing the show like the Wizard of

Oz, like the shit Wizard of Oz sitting down here at whatever four in the morning, trying to do the show on a big screen, like an idiot, to people that are, that look like they're having the time of their lives. And I see, I see Lecambra and Sam Glaze and ACU there, all meeting all the people that I've, you know, interacted with for years. I see him there. 80s girls starts crying. It's like, I can't. I can't, it's too sad.

I can't see it. I can't see you hurt like, I don't know. Try not to, I'm serious. I have to say something about it because I've been just sitting in pure despondency, watching Catfish. I know Johnny that you always come in on the depressing episodes.

I know. I came here for another one. Shit. Do I look better now? A little bit. A little bit. Are you being honest? I've tanned myself like,

what is that? George Hamilton. Yeah. Does that still, does that reference still skin with kids? It works. Your health insurance is expired. Yeah. Yeah.

Owl. That's two weeks ago. Yeah, I guess you're right. I can't eat. Wow. Wow. And I fucked up 80s girls. Holy K. Oh, I had such fun shit.

So many cute animals to see. That's all they got. You know, everybody's in a real good mood in Australia, because they got a bunch of cute shit to look at. For every homeless person that we have in the US, they have two cute animals in Australia. Like Quacas, they have, I can only imagine. Yeah, you can only imagine.

All right, well that's what happened. That's what happened. I hope I can make Sydney, but I have no fucking idea. And I'm very, I'm very angry about the whole thing. But what can you do? I'm going to play a song. I need to reboot my brain. Pleasant Tetris. I mean, I don't know if it's crazy to assume that shit just worked differently before that's stupid shooting. And then at least in this case,

everything is thrown out the window, but it's like, you know, everybody waits, everybody waits until the last minute until there's a giant fuck up, right? Yeah. All right, here we go. Brutal.

Yeah, and there's no way you can get like a refund for her not getting you. Refund, bro, if this was America, America I would be filing a if she was in America I would be filing a fucking lawsuit Immediately for this shit the advice that the advice that I couldn't get a tourist a tourist tourist visa Saying that it would override the 408 is saying that it would override the 408 is egregiously not true, not communicating that it wouldn't be done at

end time is an egregious oversight. I mean, relying on some like you, I don't check with my accountant to make sure they filed my taxes. After I sign them, when I sign them, that's when I filed them. And if they don't file them, I'm fucking suing them. Yeah, that's what you paid them for. That that's how i otherwise what the fuck is the money for why do we have this shit why do we pay each other anything if the outcome is uncertain

you pay pay for the i'm not getting my gobladder removed is like i cut your back thanks for the money but you know i just kind of uh... i don't come back in five years, why the fuck didn't you take this out? What was the money for? Did all I can do? Nah, nah, did all I can do.

Why is it still in my body then? Ugh. All right, and it's not just the money that I spent waste, because obviously everything's not responsible. It's everybody who flew in. It's like, oh man, that's just so fucking gutting. I don't know how you make that right. I honestly don't.

I think I have to go and knock on every one of their doors, like my name is Earl. I gotta make a list. I gotta knock on, I gotta suck every one of their dicks. I'm gonna file a dick sucking visa, 40, 4069, 69ing visa. What am I saying?

That would be them sucking my dicks too. It's only one way dick sucking visa that I gotta file. To go, give me the ad, drag it a file, the ad dress of every Australian dick, I'm gonna suck. All right, I got that. Got it, got it, got it, got it, here you go, I got 400 dicks, I got a sec, I got one month, I got 30 days to do it. Uh, okay, I'll tell you what else makes a rage, hot monkey bars, Johnny. Hot fucking monkey bars. Hot monkey bars. Burn the shit out of your head. Oh, man, what a cock tease. And no one in the playground is willing to take the first monkey bar.

Because you know, the more you get some friction on there and some human grease on there, they cool out a bit, give them some slaps, kids running around the top. But the first, those first couple monkey bars. Oh, man, fuck that. It's like sitting in a leather seat in a hot car. But worse, because it's monkey bars. All right, let me find, let me find something to play. And then Lacey should be here.

That took an hour for me to complain about that, Jesus Christ. What an asshole. I guess my thinking in the fuck ups is like, ah, yeah. I don't know what the fix was. It was just more, you know, I always say nothing gets done unless you ride ass all day, every day, and the second you take your hand off,

the second you take your eye off the ass, the ass gets away from you, then you're the ass. Then you're the fucker. That's how the saying goes. So if you're in Melbourne, and I fucked you over Colin, and Colin had told me to go fuck myself. Here's a greatest man in the world, chiptune song. Here you go.

There you go, this is by MOOF, MOOF. Mad ex time, the greatest man in the world, they pick cover. It's a fuck. Breary version. Yeah, it is. It is. It's the fucking Phantom Zone being on the phone with these government, with these bureaucrats. I mean, they have it down to the science, dude.

I've never dealt with anything like it. I would prefer to just have a computer. Yeah, don't give me a human if you're gonna make. Don't give me a human if they're gonna give me computer answers. That's a fucking little thing. That Lacey, hello, darling, come on in here. All right. Lacey, hi. Hi.

How are you? Are you having a good week? I'm not. I don't know if you... I don't know how you were gonna answer that. Are you having a good week? It's okay week. It's an okay week. Good. No one is allowed to have a good week this week. Heads will roll. Anyone who's having a good week off with their heads like the Queen of Hearts. You've got some news. I do, but I cannot hear a single thing. I think it was just the tilt of the, it was just the tilt of the head. Are these big?

Do they look big on me right now? Uh, you're talking about the headphones or my forehead? Um, get in there. Get on that mic. Get on the mic. Get on the mic. Sean is, Sean is on the other side of the world having the time of his life. He might not have time to edit everything as he usually does

while he's sipping daqueries and being me on the other side of the world, meeting penguins and fucking koala bears, dealing with spiders or whatever else he's doing. You've got news though. I've got some news. What's the biggest you've ever messed up? The biggest I've ever messed up?

Yeah. I mean, as far as like missing flights one time, I missed a flight because I was irresponsible. What do you mean? What'd you do? Well, did you hire the wrong person to do your visa? Notification. No. Did you shoot up a mosque?

Because that's what happened to me. What? Yeah. No. I did not shoot up a mosque. What happened? Never think of that. I missed my flight my flight because I, I don't like to fly sober. Yeah. And I don't drink anymore.

Uh-huh. And so I, I felt like I needed to finish the last of my J before I got on my plane. You were talking about weed. Yeah. Okay. And I smoked too much and I, Why do you call them J's? So this a joint.

Yeah, but nobody has done that since like the 70s or the 60s. and I smoked too much and I why do you call them what do you call them jays so that's a joint yeah but nobody has done that since like the seventies or or the sixties i call it a j you call it a j all the time you call it a j jani i only smoke blood okay both of you no no get out of here what's let's hear the let's hear some news news well first the only news i've had all week is what a loser i need i need some actual news well that's what I wanted to say Thank you to all the dickheads who came to my defense

And an defense defense and an Instagram fight with some crazy vegan man a man attacked me What did he say he told me that I was nothing special and I was just another girl in a bikini Well, I mean yeah, but that was just another girl in a bikini. Well, I mean, yeah, but that was after that. That's an attack for you not being special. I've never been special once. What do you, we've never been special even one time? Hey, Johnny, you're not special.

Does that, is that an attack? Would you classify that as an attack? I wake up to that every day. This man attacked me. He said I was nothing special. Oh, that's not how I started. Oh dear, he actually started. Classic.

It actually started. That's sick. I posted a quote. A posted a quote. Am I Angela quote? Pretty much. Yeah. And what was the quote?

What was the quote? Was it about being at your best or worst? Did it involve that? Wait, I need to get the exact quote pulled up. Okay He just was personally talking to me like all afternoon. I it was a slow day for me. Let me hear more of these attacks What was the quote? I know you would cheer me up, Lisa. Thank you for coming in Like the whole mood. Yeah Oh shoot.

Take your time. Okay. I have an article about women in the internet that I'd like to read that. Vision wise, your high self, then show up as her. Like are you talking about doing Jays? Yeah, kind of. A little bit of both. Are you, is that a high pun?

It depends on when you, or you, it is like. Do you catch me in? Pilates, shit, like doing your best. A little bit about life. I do. Do you want to, do you consider yourself like the female Tony Robbins? It is like, you catch me in. Pilates shit, like doing your best. A little bit about life. I do Pilates. Do you consider yourself like the female Tony Robbins? No. No.

I'm not, no. You just put you like empowering women with these quotes. The female Tony. Oh my God, no. So he wrote underneath that quote, yeah. But are you vegan? And I wrote back not a chance.

It's just to set up because I knew where I was going. Okay. And then he said, well, so you're part of the big problem. And then he went to another picture on my Instagram. And then that's when he harassed me for the post. I only see that me being in a bikini. And not being special. And not being special.

So then, I'm like, hey, you And not being special. And not being special. Oh, so then, I'm like, Hey, you're nothing special. Ah, what? What? What? Nothing special? I'm everything special. Ha, ha, ha.

Okay, what have you got? What was his name? His name. I bet he's never fucked up an Australian tour. He, he deleted his Instagram. I can't find him. Oh, Mal, who was attacked. Well, no, then he said he was going to sue me if anyone came to my defense and attacked him on his Instagram. And then he deleted his Instagram. He said he's going to get lawyers involved in the morning.

Best of luck. Best of luck. Keanu will protect you. Oh, so I Best of luck. What if I give you a key animal? I mean, I will protect you. Oh, so I brought in some vegan news, because I wondered if not eating animal protein kind of fucks with your brain at all in any way, shape or form. And it turns out it does. Yeah.

It does. You need animal protein. You do. We do. We need a little animal protein. I mean, yeah, that's what I, that's my line. You need some protein, you get enough protein in your diet? Because I got, I, that's what I that's my line. You need some pro you get some enough protein in your diet because I got I got a minute. You know what I'm talking about?

I got a minute and a comfortable chair. That's what I say. Hey, honey, you need some protein in that shake? Because I got a minute and a half and I like what I'm seeing. Five minutes if you don't have a comfortable drink. Well, yeah. Okay, so our brains are extremely rich in fat. Yes.

Yes, about two thirds of the brain is fat and about 20% of that fat is made up of this special essential omega-3 fatty acid called... Go ahead. I don't wanna pronounce this. What do you mean? You're gonna fuck with me. Because you can't pronounce a scientific word. Why would I do that?

Give it your best shot. Okay. Doca-sexonic-gastate. Doca-s-doca-sexonic-gastate. I think you're probably right. Yeah, I am. I listened to it a few times on this. Because you didn't want to be my funer.

You see how my tactics work? You learned a new word because you were worried that I was going to make fun of you. That's pretty good. I have no room to make fun of anyone though because I'm the dumbest person in the world. You are not. I'm fair. I'm the dumbest person in the world. You are not. I'm very. I'm very, no, it was, I could have unradicalized that guy and stopped that shooting and then my application would have gotten through.

That's all I had to do. Maybe you were visualizing your photo. Yeah, that was it. Maybe you're not. I would have gone back in time and gone to that mosque and just stop that guy right at the gate and show them Lacey's Instagram. Like, breathe these fucking quotes, man. Are you being your highest self? Are you living to achieve?

Who's breathe? How about that one? Breathe. Period. Breathe. Are you remembering to do that shit? Remember. Don't fuck me.

Wait three weeks to do this. You cock sucker. So we can call the acid DHA for short. Okay. fuck me, wait, three weeks to do this, you cock sucker. So we can call the acid DHA for short. Okay. Okay. DHA is a critical, it's critical to the development of human cortex. So that's the part of the brain that's responsible for higher order thinking. Oh, all right. So if it's not present, then the connections for sustained attention,

decision making and complex problem solving do not form properly. So we do need it. It's important. We men do, yes. All of us. Okay. All of us. Yeah. So you're saying vegans are stupid. Basically, like plants don't contain that molecule. So because plants don't need it. So there. So that molecule is important for thinking. Yes, critical thinking. Do they have any gender studies, which gender has more of that brain matter? I didn't get that. I was just going for like, you didn't look into that study at all. You get into that study. I didn't get into that.

But you would say, so vegans, you would say, have less of that, so they're drummer. So if there was a study done, if there was a study done that compared the same matter that in men and women, what would you say the conclusion so we could draw from it were? I mean, what if it's what if it said that women had more of it than men, for example, I would totally believe it. You would believe that and that would mean what? Women are smarter. That women are more capable of more sophisticated thinking and driving and not crying and that kind of stuff

Let maybe maybe science one day will research that type of brain matter to see I did find out that lower levels of DHA and people There are found lower levels of DHA with people with psychiatric issues like women Okay, no never that's too many all right I'm just saying this kind of science would be interesting to me if it existed. I got that it's vegans that are dumb Just seems like Oh my goodness. Okay. That's good. Yeah. Thank you. What else you got tax a news? Oh good? They're due right around the corner Yeah, thank you. What else you got? Taxi news. Oh, good. They're due right around the corner.

Right. I have no doubt I will fuck those up as well. You think? I mean, just go to ask you. Do you procrastinate or do you get your shit done like I see? I have an account. Yeah. Yeah. So they I don't do anything. If I if I had to do it myself, I wouldn't have paid taxes since they invented computer pornography. That would be the last time I paid taxes

because that's where my free time goes. No, my account does it. Everything getting gone. So sweet. So sweet. Yeah. I had an account a few years ago and I still waited till the last second.

Well, how do you wait till the last second? I don't know. I had to give her all my paperwork. How did that just wait until I got this system? Well, I have this system every time I get a paperwork for taxes. This is a system. I see. I scan it immediately and put it into a folder.

So you're not a procrastinator. You get like you. Well, not in that. No, not in that because one time I had a tax bill of, I was dead broke, a company that I had been in for a long time, had been running on fumes for a while, and not making any payments. Like you miss a couple of payments when you're working on salary

and you are down to nothing, especially, I was, much, you know, it was like 10 years ago, and the tax bill, I was also living like an asshole, trying to like take him, pilots lessons, stupid shit. Just dumping burning money. And I got a tax bill for $18,000, and I had zero in the bank.

So that was, I was about this close from asking my parents, I had no other, I'm like, well, I can about this close from asking my parents. I had no other, I'm like, what, I can't sell this much semen. Yeah. What the hell am I, I gotta ask my sister for money? Do I wanna ask my dad or my sister for money? My dad will be dead first, but my sister will be, like he'll be more of a jerk about it,

but he'll be dead first before, neither one of them will let me ever live it down But he's got less time to let me and that I shit you not that week Simon and Schuster had this is how bad I was with money Simon and Schuster had been trying to pay me for royalties for men or Better than women for the entire run of the book and they had never gotten my address right. So they had an outstanding check for $22,000 for men or better than women royalties. And I'm on a fluke.

I logged into their thing and found that and I'm like, once again, I have no consequences in my actions. I'm like, hey, can you just write it out to the IRS? I don't care. Tell them to keep the change for next year. That's good. Yeah, so ever since then, I have been so meticulous about my dad is extremely fistidious about money.

Oh, sure. But he's like, liquor is what's that? And dexlobs. Dexlobs. For your backyard? Don't talk to me about, I had a big fight with him about my dexlob. Dexloops. You're for your backyard? Don't talk to me about, I had a big fight with him about my Dexloops last week and you know that I did. What about taxes?

Well, they're due. Right around the corner, scammers are going to be attacking us. Like crazy. Have you ever got a scam call? Yeah, the IRS. They told me I owed them $18,000. And I don't know why. I don't owe this. I don't owe them.

First of all, the money is not real. And scam calls. That was like, how poor that stuff. Okay. No call claiming to be the IRS, threatening you with immediate gel time and claim if a bill isn't paying for, then you will be arrested. Arrested? Immediately.

Have you ever gotten one of these calls? Yes. I got in a fight with one of them. And I knew it wasn't, it was fake because the second I told them that this was bullshit, that this is bullshit, that this is bullshit. The guy just flew off the handle, he couldn't take it that a woman said that to him. Was he Indian? Yep.

And he just said, listen to me, you fucking bitch, you fucking bitch and you just kept calling me a fucking bitch. I was like, this really isn't real. And then I, like, wow. But it got intense for a little bit. What are the, what really isn't real. And then I was like, wow. But it got intense for a little bit. What are the scams that we have to work out for? Yep.

Claiming immediate jail time. Medicare, social security. That's a, Scotial Security's a big scam. Is that on your list? It is. No, it's not. This is like from fake like scaming people. Yeah, that's from like our government scamming us.

Not what I'm talking about. Oh, okay. I mean, that happens. I mean, we all so good. Yeah, our government is gaming us. Right. Not what I'm talking about. Oh, okay. I mean, that happens. I mean, we all know that. Okay. What else? Another big one is that they're starting to steal people's data from tax professionals and businesses.

So doing your taxes online probably isn't the safest. Oh, wait a minute. Doing your taxes, what do you mean? Doing your taxes online isn't the safest. Online like service. Like H&R Block? Yeah. Don't use H&R Block you're saying?

No. Okay. I wouldn't. I like Trump's system. Did you ever hear his description of his tax system? He was gonna make it so all of America could put, your taxes could fit on a postcard and you would check a box that said, I win.

If you weren't due any money on your refund you would just check a box that said, I win. If you weren't due any money on your refund, you would just check a box that said, this was his campaign! No way. Yeah. What? Yeah. Okay, what else? I didn't get that.

What are those games? So they'll file with your information. I don't support Trump now, though. Because of his immigration, it should be open borders. No fucking shit. Anybody should be able to go into any country they want, especially for their comedy tours? Yeah.

Go ahead. What else? I'm glad you could catch up. Yeah. It had to happen to you. You had to experience it. Now I know what they feel like. Exactly.

Now I know what they feel like. Cuddled at the border, getting soup out of a shoe. Fuck. Turning their socks into churros. Oh my gosh. He's considering releasing them to sanctuary cities now. I'll take them all in, just send them here.

I'll bury them all in my basement. I can fit 10,000 of them and go ahead. Basically you'll get a recorded phone call that said the money has been direct deposited into your account and it was a mistake and then you have to pay them back immediately. The last one that I found is that they will ask you to pay them back with a gift card. Is that not? Should that raise red flags? I think so.

If you get a call from the government that asks for Applebee's gift cards? Who wants a gift card? I don't even want a gift card. Do you ever think that maybe these people don't deserve any money? The people who get scammed like this and get cards like, oh fuck them. Like, what are they gonna spend that money on anyway? Fucking hair tonic or some shit? They're gonna go get extended warranties on all their

pretty fucking stupid if they, I mean, what were they gonna spend it on? Multiple hats, check it out. You see all this money that I got back in my tax, you know what I got? Six hats on my head right now. All right. Get that guy. I don't understand how I'm successful in this. Who? The scammers? Yeah.

Do you know how stupid people are? Yes, and I just, it blows my mind. Do you, that vegan guy on your Instagram? He probably is one of the scammers. No, he is. That is false. People are, yeah. He is, he is. He's fallen for it. Yeah, he is, he is making his diet of something that kills his brain.

That's how, he's fallen for that. That's how dumb he is. That's pretty tight. That's pretty fucking dumb. That's pretty tight, man. You think people can give a $50 gift card out of that guy? Easy. Easy thing in the world.

He's a cat guy too. I got him back, I posted a picture of him in this cat. I said, can everyone please go let Sam know that his cat is not that special. This is cyber harassment. This is, I get banned for this shit. How come she's allowed to do this? So you waged an online cyber bullying mob

against a man's cat? Yeah, you attacked me personally. It sounds like flirting. He's gonna be married. All right, what else you got? Pretty hot. Black hole news. Last week, scientists produced the first real image of the black hole or of a black hole

located in Galaxy Messier 87. Oh, really? They produced a real image of the black hole, or of a black hole. Located in Galaxy Messier 87. Oh, really? They produced a real image. I produce. So they can't take a picture of it because light can't be, can't escape from that hole. So you can never really... Why is that? I don't know.

Black is huge. It's about 6.5 billion times the sun. That's why. Yeah. It's a big hole. Oh, it's pretty exciting. All right. Where's the?

Take a picture of a black hole. No, they produced a picture. Social security. They've had a picture that for a long time. Why do you keep saying they produced the picture? Because they didn't take a picture. They produced. How do you produce a picture, like a drawing?

I mean, this is like Photoshop it like this. Like that. Basically. Black hole. Yeah. All right. Good for them. Good for them. Good for scientists. I think that's pretty interesting. What do you find interesting about it? What something I find interesting about is that they've been studying a whole in the Milky Way. Yeah. But they haven't been able to produce an image of that whole yet. I'm very interested in holes in the Milky in Milky Way. In the Milky Way? Yeah. What are you going to say?

What are you talking about? Just sex, sex plans. Oh, oh, okay. More news. Tiger one. Why are you interested in this black hole? Because I just, I think it's significant to our space endeavors.

Did you know that there is a cloud, there's a cloud, a couple, like four light years away from us. There is a cloud that's a billion gallons of liquor. There is a, I've shit you not in space. There's an ethanol cloud that you could drink for the rest of your life. You would?

Just a little cloud. Like a boundary rate if you got into that cloud. I mean, I'm saying it exists. It's more interesting than black hole. You think? Licker cloud? Yeah. Shoot some pineapples up there.

Yeah. Do you know what they call the process when you like enter the blackout? Any object that enters it, I thought this was funny. What are they calling? Like, this is hilarious to me. Spaghetti vacation. That's the scientific.

Please. Who calls it? What are you reading space for kids? No, I got the space stuff. I got the Guardian. The Spagnification. The Spagnification. That's what we do.

They don't call it an engineering platform. The past through the event horizon, which is that red, like, that red area outside the block hole. Yeah. What do you think that is? That's the second. What is the red area? The red area is... You should always do science news.

This is a way... No, this... wait. Okay, that red ring that they put on the black hole image, signify the area that the second something passes through and object passes through it in a spiky... Spiky-pickation. Are you reading... You're not reading Rachel Ray? This is a... Science? through an inner sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up sped up Where light can't escape no no the event horizon Yeah, no the event horizon. Uh-huh

Did you know that it was called spaghettification? Someone who had a stroke while they were typing oh wait. Sorry. No, that's the point that red ring is the point where they reach no return Well, how's it read that? Who's they? Objects, objects, objects, objects, objects. Objects. Okay, it's lights. The event horizon is light. No, it's not. The event horizon is a point in the return.

It's a point in the return. They're just, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't,

they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, they can't, I have to produce some sort of an image. Yeah. And that's what the red signifies is the point. And I turned. OK. But you passed that threshold. You turned into spaghetti.

Yeah. One long line of spaghetti. It was like a string of spaghetti. Are you eye? Is this your eye itself? No. Are you fine? How do you think a black hole is?

Let's start there. What? Why? you think a black hole is? Let's start there. Why is it red? Why does it have a red ring if it's called a black hole? Exactly. That's just to signify an area of no return. It's not really red. What do you mean an area?

Like what? What do you think it's trapped in a black hole and why is it called black? Because light can't come out so What do you think the area where light cannot escape from the black hole is called? They evoke horizon Tiger what is fifth masters I'm gonna have to get a bit horizon. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Tiger won his fifth master's. Today.

That's good. All right. Are you golf fan? No, I actually fucking hate golf. I grew up on a golf course. My dad made me go golfing with him all the time. I'd have to sit in the golf cart. I would try to drive it and he would get mad at me

and he'd just... That's the win-win for him. I say, golf is yelling at your daughter. Why would you take me to the golf course? I couldn't stand it. I don't know why men take their, I don't know why men try to get their daughters into sports. You...

He wasn't trying to get me into the golfing. I'm used to playing golf. He's just trying to keep you busy. You gotta get up, get active. Probably. You gotta get that blood going. Trying to keep you. You gotta stay away from trouble.

No, this guy wrote in about how to raise your daughter and I do think that's a legitimately good advice. Get her into sports, get her hammer her into sports all day, every day, so that she has no time for hoeing. No time. That's because especially these days, Internet makes it way too easy to hoe. Eventually found time to hoe.

I didn't hoe, but I like party and hard. Okay. But I actually went in the horizon of hoeing. I go to the parties to be there. I did a trick. But I across the event horizon of how I go to the parties. Oh right to be there I'm gonna horizon no return All right, oh my god is that your last news the Tiger Woods one? That's all the news that I have I would love to hear more black hole trivia. I want you to just explain what it is.

What do you think is in a black hole? Nothing. Spaghetti. Ah! Ah! Ah! What do you mean spaghetti? Everything on the other side gets spaghettified, so.

I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettified, so... I can't even say it gets spaghettettified, so... I mean, spaghettia, I guess 5 billion times bigger than the Sun. Yeah, but it's compressed into one singular point. Because that's where you go through the spaghetti. Well, it's like a planet, right? But you keep squeezing it and squeezing it and squeezing it until it's just one singular point called a singularity.

And that's what's creating this infinite, infinite gravitational pull spinning, even the space around it spins faster than the, because of the spaghetti. Yeah. Okay, let me switch the cameras. Thank you, Lacey. Of course. Never coming back, man. Never?

John? No. He's never coming back. Is he having too much fun? He's becoming me. Is he having the most fun of his life? He's just gonna only wear shirts with his face on them. Yeah.

He's crying tears, he's happy. He's been coming. He's been coming. He's been coming. He's been coming. He's been coming. He's been coming. He's been coming.

He's been coming. He's been coming. He's been coming. He's been coming. He's been coming. He's been coming back. Is he having too much fun? He's becoming me. Is he having the most fun of his life? He's just gonna only wear shirts with his face on them. Sunday. That's quite the VK. Yeah, you know, I haven't really hung out with Sean

in a long time too. Our lives kind of diverted or diverged. And then we just do this podcast every week. But I was really looking forward to spending a week with him. That hurts my heart. Oh yeah, yeah. It's real heart. It's a real disaster.

All right. Let me see. He did a great job though. He didn't. I don't believe it. You know, Sean's a, he's a real like shy guy, or he used to be. And now he just, he's a go get a L.A.

And I was like, it's and I was like, fuck it. Okay, I had this. I had some, I had some funny news stories of my own that I wanted to read. Or do you want to do advice? What's your journey? I want to hear my news.

Yeah, and I want to hear advice. What women know about the internet? That's a news story I brought in. Dot, dot, dot, what women know about the internet? It's from Emily Chang, like too many women, I've been harassed online. Oh man, this first sentence is what we call asking for it

in the business. The harasser described in explicit detail how he intended to violate me. By calling her not special, I imagine. Though somehow his threats didn't violate Twitter's terms of service. Twitter, despite my repeated reports, did nothing. You know, easy that block button is? Very.

That's the entitlement on the, so I did. I gradually tightened my privacy settings across Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. I mostly stopped sharing personal, non-work related updates and deleted photos of my children. I haven't posted a new picture for more than a year. I'm a tech journalist, so perhaps I'm extra sensitive to the dangers of the internet. But my concerns are widely shared by other women. Is there ever a concern that isn't widely shared by other women? Let me ask that. Has there ever been in the history of the world a concern that wasn't widely

shared and I do mean widely shared by other women? Can you think of one thing that at least every woman in an earshot wouldn't go, mm-hmm, I agree, I agree. Make it a lot of fucking sense right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Widely shared by other men, several studies have found that women are more concerned about privacy risks online than men, and are more likely to keep their profiles private and delete unwanted contacts. What the fuck do they think the internet's for?

Female Italian college students are less likely to share their political views and relationship status than men and are more concerned about risks posed by other users and third parties. Nor Norwegian women post fewer selfies than Norwegian men. I don't believe that. I don't either. In other words, digital privacy is a women's issue. We just don't think about it that way, or discuss it that way. Of course, privacy is a concern for everyone, but there is also an issue,

but this is also an issue like healthcare, on which women have a particular view. Again, women know for example, what consent really means. What does it mean? Consent? Yeah. Giving somebody the okay.

20 bucks and then you could do pretty much whatever you want, right? You pay for dinner and then, no holds no. No, that's not what consent means. Definitely not consent. Why did you eat the dinner then? Why did you think was going?

Because I buy my friends dinner all the time. Do you really? Yeah, if they don't have their money with them or if I just fill in friendly. Your female friends show up without their money routinely. What a surprise. Or if I'm on a date and they don't bring their money, I'll pay for mine for that.

How often does that happen? It happened with a vegan guy actually. Oh, you dated a vegan guy? Yeah, that's why I was sensitive to this situation. Oh, why did you end up dating a vegan guy? I didn't know he was vegan until he invited me over for a barbecue. He didn't tell you like six times when you first met him

that he's vegan. Not in the initial approach. No, but he invited me to a barbecue, so I thought I was just going to a barbecue, but it turned out it was a vegan barbecue. And I was so fucking hungry for the barbecue. We know for example, women know for example, what consent really means.

It's not scrolling through seemingly endless terms of services and then checking a box. Online consent just as it is with our bodies. Should be clear, informed, and a requirement. So if you're sliding into the DMs now, it's rape. Is that, am I getting the message right in this article? Consent, it is, if you even look at a woman's Instagram

or social media, you need consent for that that is not just her posting it online. What is that? She seems very sensitive. These views are shaped by the reality that women experience the internet differently, just as the experience of walking down a dark alley or even a busy street is different,

is different for women than it is for men. No, no, this girl is crazy. One Pew study found that women are far more likely to be sexually harassed online and describe these interactions as extremely upsetting. The Department of Justice reports that 75% of the victims of stalking and cyber stalking are women and so women look over our shoulders online just as we do in real life. It isn't just that real life harassment also shows up online.

It's also that the internet isn't designed for women. Even when the majority of users of some popular applications and platforms are women. In fact, some features of digital life has been constructed intentionally or not in ways that make women feel less safe. Let me get to the good stuff here. I don't even know what to pull out of this. For example, you can't easily use Facebook's

what's app messaging service without a phone number, which many women don't want to share? What do you want us? What do you want the phone to do then? Just read your mind of who you would like to talk to. Stop giving your fucking phone number out like it's a business card. There is so many this article is so aggravating. In women's entitled need to have technology, treat them as lazy, you can either be lazy or you can be stupid. You cannot be both and expect things to work.

It is, there is an abundance. There is an abundance of features to keep your ass from getting dick pics all day, every day, that you can take 10 minutes to learn. Don't accept messages from people I don't add as friends. Don't randomly add people as friends. Pretty fucking simple. We don't need it to be legislated, we don't need women's concept of consent to attention,

legislated into the privacy laws of the internet, yes. Why does it have to go straight to a dick pic though? Like, I'm just happily accepting your friend and by, why do you gotta send me your dick? I just wanted you as a friend. Why? I don't need your dick. Why do you think, guys, we just need to be careful. Why? I don't need your dick. Why? Why do you think me your dick I just want to choose a friend why why do you think guys want we don't want to be friends but this is we do not want to be friends ever we just want the platform that is all about friends we just want to show you our dicks that's it all day every day that's all it's ever been. That's why we wear neckties, because we're trying to make you think of Dix. That's why we have cars with giant hoods in them, so you'll be thinking of Dix.

Everything we do, every single thing we do, that's why we've got noses to make you think of Dix somehow. That's all it is, that's all it's for. None of it's for the consent of pictures. We need a, we need a children's internet that women can take. At what point in human history did it become a fundamental right for women to take pictures of their kids and go into the town square and just hammer them in, hammer their family pictures into bulletin boards at their local pub and say, nobody look at this. Nobody look, don't even look at this. I don't want to read any filthy comments on this.

I just want to show everyone these pictures of my fucking children. Fuck you. Fuck you. Using the internet to drive your so fucking brainwashed into thinking that you need to share pictures of your shitty life online all day every day by marketing companies who use your free time to turn oil into advertising that you don't even realize, you don't even understand why it's dangerous. When the internet first started doing shit that this woman that women expect to be able to do would be considered insane online. Using your real name and phone number, are you fucking stupid? Why did you post that online?

I wasn't thinking. You're goddamn right, you weren't. You put pictures of your family online what the fuck is wrong with you of course people are gonna come on them Do you not know where you are? It's the internet goes everywhere You don't have consent to message me. That's not how it works. Even well-meaning efforts at transparency don't always work that way for women. Lifts carpool service shares the registered names of passengers with everyone else in

the car. Oh, God forbid somebody knows that your name is Emily. Oh, fuck. The first name of an incoming passenger flashes and lights across the dashboard. See, you, this is women, you got to earn my name. It's not just, I can't just give that away. A feature intended to let writers know they are in the right car.

A privacy researcher told me that she once jumped in a lift-shared ride wearing a sweatshirt with her company's logo. The next day, she received an email from a male passenger saying, I found you. Clearly, he had been able to use her first name and the name of her company to track her down online. That's it. Pull the plug on the whole thing. Johnny, these bitches are getting, I found you messages in the internet on their LinkedIn.

Not on LinkedIn. Not on LinkedIn. Not how dare you! Sully, the sanctity of LinkedIn and their aggressive emails bands, what he might have thought was cute. She thought was creepy. I wonder how he looked, and if that has anything to do with it. Do I have to, do I have any control over this interaction? The researcher asked, do I have any control over the fucking

over the email message that I got? Is this the preposterousness I'm hearing? Do I have any control over this interaction? Yeah, you couldn't have more. You couldn't have more unless a government agent with a plunger stuck was stood in front of every man in the United States and held the plunger over their fucking face so they couldn't watch you or talk to you ever. You have the maximum amount of control over this interaction that anyone has ever had in the history of the world. Complete and total. An email. Do I have any control over this? Complete and total an email do I have any control over this? No They need to they need to be kicked on to their own internet women you guys need your own fucking cat powered internet

Like homing pigeons that just runs messages and smells back and forth or whatever The research do I have any control over this interaction? The researcher asked, I don't know. How dumb or lazy are you? You tell me, you want control over the self, you're putting online just like you want control over your body. I would like to delete this big layer of fat around me. I don't

have control over that. Dick. What? You have all the control over that. No, stop, stop, don't talk and talk to me about your Pilates shit. With Congress, with Congress considering whether to draft new privacy regulations, it's important that the specific concerns of women be taken into account now while the rules are being debated. So this women's version of privacy

online is to be able to blast tit picks of yourself out in every conceivable way and get no messages from men who are not hot enough for you to bang and And get no messages from men who are under, who are less than six feet tall or make less than 200,000, whatever the formula is to make men attractive enough or rich enough to be sexually interested in, I would privacy for them, but open the other ones up. That's their idea of fucking privacy online.

I don't wanna read the rest of this. This idiotic. I think that was great. That's some lunatic shit right there. I got another one too. This article is making the rounds recently blaming teen suicide for on social media. Did you see that? Did you see that Lacey? Not the specific article. Let me try to, let me try to find where this is. I've heard a little of this. A new, a new study suggests the greater screen time, whether in the form of computer cell phones, tablets may have contributed to a spike in depression and suicide related behaviors and thoughts among teams, particularly girls. Between 2010 and 2015, the study led by a researcher

at San Diego University, said she had some new light in the needs for parents to monitor how much time their children are spending in front of their social media screens. It goes on to say that the increase in teenage suicide rate is entirely the result of cyber bullying or at least a lot of it. And I think it's the biggest load of horse shit that's been pushed on us since the violence in video games debate because I really doubt I really doubt of all the reason of all the very

good reasons to kill yourself getting getting made fun of by other shit rats at your school. I don't put the pressure cooker of needing to commit the rest of your life to debt for college before letting your parents down. The complete isolation from these figures in your house that run your life as part of it, the utter and directionless, pointlessness, existential hell that is school every day might have something to do with it. Here's another thing that might have the fact that, let me see this, the fact that one in three children are physically active every day,

maybe that has a little more to do with it, that less than 5% of adults participate in 30 minutes of physical activity every day. Maybe that has a little more to do with it than reading mean comment. Maybe the social media, in fact, is preventing suicides from exploding at the phenomenal rate that they should be.

Maybe that, because if I had to be a teenager today, watching the world burn as it is, I don't know if I would be able to make it through it. Thank God I could at least drink. I could at least drink myself into oblivion when I need to while I'm getting as much cardiovascular activity as a 60 year old man. A new study from John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health show that the physical levels of activity among children and teens is lower than previously thought their physically active

levels are comparable to a 60 year old man. How about, do you think that maybe has a little more to do with the spike in suicide than someone making fun of your cat and telling you your mom smells. We had that. We had that 20 years ago. We had actual bullying. Actual bullying, not bullying that you, I don't know if I'm in control of this.

I don't know. I think that all of these studies comparing social media, or correlating social media and suicide are just great ads and let parents feel good about themselves for, for, for, uh, piling rules onto their fucking kids. Because it's never, it's never, if there was ever a study came, that came out that said, parents who lose 20 pounds have a, their children have a less of a suicide rate. Guess how many of those parents would work would walk their fat ass to the gym? Absolutely fucking zero.

But it's this vaccines cause autism mentality that we will embrace on mass when it's something that annoys us. Oh, social media is very annoying. I bet it is. I bet it is killing a lot of kids. That makes total sense to me because I don't like it. What else did I get here?

More than 80% of adults do not meet the guidelines for aerobic muscle-stretching exercise activities. More than 80% of adolescents do not do enough aerobic physical activity to meet the guidelines for you with 80%. Nationwide, 25% of persons with a disability reported being physically inactive during a week compared to 12, 13% of those without a disability.

So the abled people or disabled people or a quarter of them are inactive a week and 13% of that, sick of seeing it. All right, who do I got? Do we got anybody? Fat. Fat? Bad.

Hey, Fat, are you there? Hey, yeah, everybody, what's up? Yeah, did you go to Melbourne? Melbourne? I did I did go to Melbourne I would call me an asshole. Do you want to do you want to call me an asshole? Is that what you're doing here? Go for it. I'm sorry. I'll first And now only if I get into the country I can't you're government has prevented me from sucking anybody off Damn, well, I'm in Brisbane now, dude Well, I am in LA in the Chamber of Failure.

I went to LA once, it was fucking shit hole. Yeah. Well, I don't know, I'll bring you some, I apologize. I'll bring you some, I'll bring you some, some of the fresh shit that we've got here if I do make it out there. Uh, bring Dr. Pepper, I love that shit. All right, I'll see what I can do. I'll bring you some Dr. Pepper.

Mind if I tell you a little bit of a story that happened on the Saturday after the show? Go ahead, please. I will bring you Dr. Pepper. I will make it up. This is my name as Earl List. I will bring every person that I fucked over who flew in. I will do, and my name is Earl just for you.

One fad gets one doctor pepper. All right, I can make that happen. All righty. So, actually, I should probably freeface this. What's the most embarrassing place you've thrown up? What are you laughing at that for? 80s girls laughed at that in some kind of a knowing way. What the hell is that?

It's very telling. What the hell was that? I threw up in, well, most embarrassing. I threw up all over myself in my car outside of a flight of the Concord's concert. That was pretty bad. How visible was it to other people? Oh, it was on the street.

My door was wide open. I passed my car and threw up all over the place. It was on Western. It was right outside the Western theater. That's scary. Ah, scary. It's embarrassing. Well, on the Saturday after the show, I had this good stuff.

Scary is getting so identified. It's like, oh, go ahead then. I booked one of the most expensive and upmarket restaurants in Melbourne, run by this famous Australian Italian chef called Florentino. It's a pretty nice place. I was going there after I'd dinner with Edempidancy, who was also at the show. He was the really tall dude, the math guy. Oh, I remember him. He got booted some reason. Well, because people don't like math, I think.

Yeah, math sucks. Oh, you really? Well, what do you like about math? I just really like it. What, what, she likes to be better at math than all the young kids. What's your favorite thing about mathematics? I was really good at it, to be honest. You were really good at math? better math. That's not good. What are your favorite, what's your favorite thing about mathematics? I was really good at it, to be honest. You were really good at math?

Fuck around. All right. You got it. You got it. You got it like the long division. I finished like, I finished calculus when I was in eighth grade and I couldn't do any more math. Yeah.

Because I was like, school didn't offer it. And so I had to retake it. You took it again, because it was so fun. No, I just, because that's, I just, I mean, there was more to learn, like calculus. There's like a lot, like, so I didn't, like, go through all of it in one year, I guess. That's what I get.

Wow. So pretty much just say you're a smart as Maddox. Well, not, not anymore, because I, I think so. No, I think so. 20 years ago, but I was pretty good at math. I loved math. Do you date guys who are, yeah, you're some math degree. Do you take guys who have like, or into math as well? Like math degrees and stuff? Yeah. Really? Yep. All right. I'm going to follow up on that. Mathematicians.

Mathematicians. No, I don't have a math degree. No. Yeah. I was too young and then the community college was too far away. I couldn't like go to the college to take more Yes community college Stable American education road bump. Okay dad. What's your story? Yeah, and so I went into this this restaurant and I sat there and I was there for like three hours as they served me this like It was meant to be six courses but turned into eight because they bring out like bonus dish and shit and that It was meant to be six courses, but turned into eight because they bring out like bonus dishes and shit and had dessert. I took one sip of the wine pairing that they gave me and I vomited all over my table

at my dessert. Like one of those ones where as soon as it touches your throat, you're like, yeah, yeah, that was it. Oh my god. This, no, that was not the most embarrassing time I threw up the same fucking thing. Oh my god You've just reminded me of the most embarrassing thing that ever fucking happened to me Man, here it come on. Let's hear and you you know this girl She just had a baby. She just had a baby yesterday

I was I was dating this British, so the girl who originally, the girl who originally discovered that Maddox posted about disavowing his book. Does everybody remember that? He made a Facebook post saying that he's not proud of his book and he's only ever read like two chapters. What is? About the members?

Yeah. This girl, who I, my ex-girlfriend, who I did forever ago, is the one who's screenshot of that and posted on Reddit. And he was friends, he maintained a friendship with her in a friendship account because he stalks the obsessively like looks at women's picks, right? No matter. Same thing, like she, she had a Snapchat in common with him and he didn't know that you could see what people

are looking at your snapchats. And she's like, yeah, he looked at me like 50 times. It's something like some kind of weird number of times because he didn't know. When God, when we first started dating forever ago, maybe 2002, we traveled across Europe and the first place we stopped was at her mom's house in Richmond, in London, right outside of London. And Sean was drinking then.

The day we got into town, we went out and went drinking right away. She was there, we met her there, we went out to the pubs and got shit faced. And I was, I think I was 22 or something like that. So you got no, I got a good, I got a good handle on the beast, the creature inside of me now, but you're 22, it's mostly creature. You're like an Edgar suit.

You're like a human boy with a liquor monster in you that's walking around and this was at those times I you have no idea how much you can drink and and The next day I woke up I was sleeping in her in her fucking living room She was middle eastern so they're like their day beds or where we Sean and I slept Sean I slept in there. I guess what is there not their lip it's like they're living room It's like a living room. There's just a bunch of couches and you stare at each other and pray to me, I don't know.

I don't know what you do. There's weird couches. The weird middle eastern couches, right? And there are little pads on the ground. I remember so clearly waking up and feeling totally fine and then just like exactly like taking a breath and then just this vomit ejected out of my stomach. And I thought, oh, no.

Oh, no. Like this is the, this is night number one. So I, like I mission impossible, crept up the stairs to try to wake her up. Like, look, I don't really know how to do laundry. And I don't know if I threw up like on a prayer thing or something. Can you, do you got to help me please? So she came down and cleaned it. But Middle Eastern girls are very good at hiding everything, everything.

Including their religion. Yes. And she cleaned it up, totally cleaned it up, and her mom came down a little bit later, and went into the room and then came out and goes, it smells like a brewery in there. You guys must have had a lot of fun last time. Oh my God. Thank you so much. That was the most embarrassing time I've ever thrown up. Anyway.

I bet. She just had a baby. I know. I'm going to see you tomorrow. Okay, Dad. That's pretty bad. So you threw up on the table then what? Yeah, so there's actually a picture of the place in the I Want to Talk channel.

And so I threw up on the table and a little bit like on the wall on the side as well. It went like all over my dessert and everything. And it was so visible. This is the place you threw up in. I wish that. What's that? This is the place you threw up in.

It looks pretty nice. Yeah. Yeah, it was very nice. What did you just take yourself out? No, what happened was a lady, not a waiter, another table table she saw me and she came over and gave me her like waste cloth Yeah, I bomb it into and so I bomb into that one as well Then a waiter eventually so I was like, oh, it's so let me let me take you to the bathroom Help you get cleaned up and like they took me to the bathroom like really nice and everything

Yeah, and it was not a big bathroom So those already like a dude they there using the urinal and stuff. And I'm just like at the sink, like wiping like vomit from my face and stuff like that. And it gave me like a full bottle of like bottled water and non like a shitty plastic bottle, like one of those glass bottles. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

And so it's like, did they give me this to wash my mouth that they really don't want me to use like cap water or anything like that I know it's real high-class establishment And so I came out of the bathroom eventually and you know the guys like so we've set up another table for you sir I was like this is probably the fucking big dumb vomiting retard table for babies or something We got you a bib so we're gonna be talking to a tablecloth and do you sure it's sir probably the fucking big dumb vomiting retard table for babies or something. Okay. We're gonna get you a bib. So we're gonna be talking to the tablecloth into your shirt, sir.

What do you think Trigger the vomit? There's probably like math. There were a lot of sort of creamy foods in there and the wine probably mixing together probably did it. Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah. All right.

But it was like, it was paired. So you would have expected they would have accounted for that. Yeah. All right. But it was like, it was paired. So you would have expected they would have accounted for that. Completely. But when he said we said on your table, I'm like, no, I got to get out of here. I can not go back in that fucking room. You could have turned that on there.

You know, fucking waste. It's got everyone saw it. I was like off to the side in the middle. And it was like, audible as well. Yeah. So I just like paid the bill, $500 got out there. Oh. Oh. That sucks.

You got to really lean into it sometimes. Like whenever, when I would used to do, when we used to do opening day, Dodger Stadium, that's a hundred, several hundred dollar meal. Every single time I would throw up and throw up into a trash can wherever it is. And it got so bad that I would be like, you know what, fuck it, I'm leaning into this like a

vomatorium. This is an orgy of meat. I'm gonna eat until I want to throw up so that later it will be a relief and I'm gonna do it with purpose. I'm gonna do it like when I'm flexing. Ah! Like a Spartan. Well, it was like, I was a bit out of my element

because the place was way fancy and I thought it would be. I thought it would just be like a Spartan. Well, it was like, I was a bit out of my element because the place was way fancy and I thought it would be. Right. I thought it would just be like a nice restaurant, but no, they were like speaking Italian to me and stuff like that. And I was like, I don't know what you're saying, but this food tastes pretty good. Who are you with?

I was by myself, so it made me even worse. Oh, you were by yourself. Yeah, that does make it worse. You appreciate guys eating by themselves? Oh, you're by yourself. That's also that does make it worse. You appreciate guys eating by themselves. Yeah, why not? Well, you know, I think that's great. Every day. No, that's not a high five.

I was a fucking loser. Did you eat like yourself like that? I would I take myself out to nice places. This is amazing, Dad. Is it amazing? I don't think it's that amazing. Okay. Do you do this regularly?

Is this just what you do? It's your ass. No. Yes. My, my extreme, high-paying Jovella Lasse. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Now I see, now I get it. Yeah, let me, let me, what get it What were you so hold on now that was it don't worry about it all right one doctor pepper for dad

There we go. That's my name is all Pology fuck up list. Um anything make your rage buddy Yeah middle seats on flights, you know just between between two fucking old people that are like one of them is like Unresponsive and the other dudes eating everything with his fucking hands, okay, and I'm fucking like I'm a big dude I got broad shoulders. Okay. That shit's not comfortable. It is men are so completely fucked in completely fucked in in every seat on earth and women get to lounge in a plague. Women get to lounge like they've like they're in their daddy's lap sliding around the seats not bumping their head on anything having all the

room in the world where guys like me Johnny you are Crammed into everything like we're stuck in a fucking coffin and we never complain about it and women complain about everything That is that is the point that I'm gonna we are stuff have you lazy have your feet ever my feet have gone off of every single bed I've ever laid in I mean they're why we either wake up with my head cranked against the headboard or my feet are flopping off the bottom like a dead fish and going numb everything if the world was built if there needs to be a third alien gender. Hopefully Ben Jerniz maybe tuck a pillow underneath your knee. Then you're these knees will go numb.

Then your knees will go numb and I'm not laying on my back all night because I'm too fat and my back will hurt. If there is, there needs to be a third alien gender that comes down to earth and then we, we get the average of women and the nine foot tall aliens. We are never, everything is uncomfortable to us, everything. You want to be shorter? I want a bed to be sized for a man so that I get the same experience of a woman just wiggling around, rolling around. I'm fine with you guys being taller.

No, but nothing is built to us. It's okay. It's not okay. It's so fucking aggravating. And it's never women should not be even allowed to sit in the aisle. it's unplaying. You should be, what the fuck? It should be, what are you five, four? Get the fuck in the middle. All women get to the middle of the fucking seat. If the Kuran says that, I'm a hundred percent in. 100 percent in. Men make more than women, so they should just upgrade their flights

and they can sit, have bigger space areas. It's about consent. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, sad. Get out of here. Well, you, well, go ahead. Go ahead, okay, okay. Okay, sad. Get out of here. Well, go ahead, go ahead. No, go ahead. What were you gonna say?

Go ahead. Well, you know how Tinder introduced a height verification. No, maybe they just need that on flights. They just put all the small people in the middle seats. Yeah, we'll call it a height preference. A height clause. A height clause.

A clause. I'm okay with fatsoes getting it too. Like, we shouldn't make fat people just cram themselves in the middle seat like that. If you're, we've got two scales like a carry on bag. If you are taller than this, you get the aisle seat, and if you lay on your back and you're taller than this, you know, like you get in the square,

and if you're fatter than this, automatic aisle seat, and if you show up and you're some than this, you know, like you get in the square, and if you're fatter than this, automatic aisle seat, and if you show up and you're some fit woman posting shit about Pilates all day on your Instagram, then fuck you. Did you get the window seats? Yeah. I love window seats. You get the window seats. You guys say,

all the Instagram photos you want. I don't really, I don't like Instagram photos outside of window planes. Are planes? No, they look like shit. Well, I like, they look like shit. Well, they look like shit. They don't show everything for me. I'll like you continue with your show.

All right, dad. Thanks dad. Thank you for coming. I'm sorry. You're diet, doctor pepper, or do you say doctor pepper or diet, doctor? Doctor. No, doctor.

Yeah, you think I'm drinking that diet shit no way? Not gonna take it all the way to Australia. What about Mr. Pib? I haven't had that before. Maybe I'll send you both. Alrighty. You can get. Hey, thanks.

Yeah. Don't throw up. My Mr. Pip, though. All right, buddy. See you. Anybody else from Australia want to tell me to go fuck myself? Let me know. Okay, I got some comments here.

We'll do some voice mills. How about that? What do you think, Lacey? Let's do the voice mills. Right after these comments. Let me know. Okay, I got some comments here. We'll do some voice mills. How about that? What do you think, Lacey? Let's do the voice mills.

Right after these comments. For sure. This is from... From the advice. Oh yeah, I got advice too. Shit. I got a lot of stuff. I wasted the first hour trying to make excuses

about why other people messed up, trip to Australia and not me secretly. I didn't want to say I was doing that, but that's what I was doing. This room's so looking for dating advice. I've been seeing this girl off and on for a few months now. We are both in our late 20s. We had a mutual understanding that neither of us were looking for anything too serious

and just enjoyed fucking from time to time and hanging out. I think I've identified the problem already. I so. First of all, I can count the number of mutual understandings I've had with a woman on one hand. Zero. Oh. Have you ever had one single mutual understanding with a woman and who is not your mom or your

I'm even going to give you sisters funny enough my hands don't make those shit. Her only request. Hey guys, I got a mutual understanding with this broad, woo! Woo! Woo! Okay! Okay! Uh, who understands whom? Mutually. It's one way or the other. Her only request was for me to tell her, if I fucked anyone else, yep. There we go.

That's called having your balls in her pocket. But that we were free. If you, that's called a relationship. That's what a relationship is. If you fuck anyone else, you tell me. And then I will decide what to do. Otherwise, I don't tell my dad when I fuck someone, because we're not dating.

Wouldn't you say? Otherwise, I don't tell my dad when I fuck someone because we're not dating. Wouldn't you say? Wouldn't you agree that I don't tell my dad? Yeah. But that we are free to do our own things. Oh man. Yeah. Naturally, I fuck someone else and kept it to myself. I'm fucking you.

I'm smart. About a week ago, we decided to make it an exclusive relationship. So did you? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I was just part about throwing up a $500 meal is that it ruins the taste of it in your brain. For sure. All of those different tastes just coming up at once. Oh my God. About a week ago, see how I would be worried if you had that kind of relationship that she just wanted that because she was trying to get things going with another guy, right?

That makes sense. So why would, that's a weird move for a woman. I don't know. I think it's pretty spot on. To have a mutual understanding? Yeah, if you're fucking other people, let them know. Maybe that's just my suspicious nature of the woman. Since that time, I have made a point to behave appropriately with other women

and be mindful of how I carry myself online and in person. Today, I went to see her after being out of town for a few days. She had been upset about me liking some chicks gym progress picture on Facebook. That is not being appropriate or mindful of how you carry yourself online. Does that sound like a mutual understanding? Nope. That is an unspoken understanding. If you like a bitch, this picture,

there's a one way street right there. On Facebook, and it was pretty frigid for a day or so, but I defused that bomb and put things back in perspective. Prior to my arrival, it was all smiley emoji and talk about how bad she wanted to jump my bones. I showed up with a cactus for her and a card, since the store was out of flowers. When I pulled up, she was smoking outside and had a cold rage in her eyes. That's normal.

She told me to sit down and said, so who did you fuck and when? Don't fucking lie to me again. I asked her what the point of this was and she simply repeated the question. After a few moments of silence, she told me, I just got the results of my STD test and found out I have chlamydia. Well, you're the only person I fucked since my last test

so start talking. I told her how I knew the chick and kept it vague so she wouldn't seek her out. Then she lit another camel and told me to leave and take my cactus where I'm gonna catch it to my face. She used the type to follow through with that thread. Okay. I got a text saying that we are done

and that she called in a prescription for antibiotics for me. I doubt it. I doubt she called in a prescription for antibiotics for him. You have to, I mean, you can't just get your own other people's antibiotics, can you? Well, no, but you like give their name

and then the doctor should follow through. Like if you have it, get an antibiotic. I can't just get you, like, Hey, what's up Doc? Can you get lazy to an antibiotic? She's just, she's just, I'm just gonna get some fucking anti-biotics. That.

No, can't do that. I called her a pussy and told her she's running from a good thing and putting up a wall. Like she always does. Good, good, good, good, good. If you fuck up, you gotta really hammer them that they fucked up. That's good.

Since she responds best to assertive pushback, that's what I'm gonna start calling that for. Assertive pushback. Since she responds. I fucked up, with pushback. That's what I'm gonna start calling that for. I'm gonna start with pushback. Since she respawned. I fucked up! You fucked up! I like this girl and would still like to see where things could go between us. Any tips on how to salvage this budding relationship?

If it's even possible at this point, what do you think? What is it, where is he trying to take it? Like I'm so confused. He's trying to have a wife and kids. Isn't that obvious? But then why is he fucking other people? Wow. Well, I mean.

He wants a wife and kids he doesn't want to be dead. Guy wants to play around, I guess. I mean, this is sort of why I got rid of the vegan guy. Oh yeah, why? He didn't give you an STD or anything, but. But what did you, like, give you a cactus? No, I just started seeing like all this evidence that he was fucking other people and I was like,

well, I'm outta here. Fuck. I didn't make a big deal about. No, I just started seeing all this evidence that he was fucking other people and I was like, well, I'm outta here. Fuck. I didn't make a big deal about it, but I just... I think you need more assertive pushback. That's what I would say. Really get critical of everything. The only way, sometimes the only way that you can get out of things is to punch your way out.

I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know what you're talking about. The kids call it gaslighting, but everybody hates it because it's very effective. They just called it lying. When I was younger, they've called it gaslighting now. It's, I don't know what you're talking about. What happened isn't a big deal.

Let's go eat. And as soon as you can get back to normalcy, the sooner that she'll start to think that was this a dream Should I be that over reacting he's not over reacting? He's not reacting at all what I'm doing. They don't know sometimes people are so fucked up that they don't know Something is wrong until you act like something is wrong like when a kid scratches, stubs their toe, or scratches their foot or something, whatever, their knee. And you're like, yeah, let's go. And there's, like, should I cry?

I guess not. Nobody else is going like, oh, are you okay? So I see, yeah, what's up? Yeah, I mean, you know, that's what I did. I thought you knew. I knew. I'm the victim here. It's important to remember, I'm the victim here. It's important to remember, I'm the victim here.

Sean just texted me. Let's see what he wants. Maybe he got arrested. Oh, Sean, you fuck, you motherfucker. He's feeding a wall of beef. Oh my God, that's the cutest picture ever. Damn. That's precious.

Oh, fuck you, Sean. I'm gonna call him right now. That's pretty good advice. That will work, right? Women fall for this shit all the time. I mean, Sean is the only phone number that I have memorized. Sean and my mom. I believe it. I believe it. Sounds pretty fucking good. Does. What's that?

You should say it doesn't sound like that. It just sounds good to that mic. Like what a fucking asshole feeding a wallaby. Not oh. Duck and calls. He's like look at this fucking idiot trying to interrupt my fun right now. Yeah. Oh Sean says we're gonna interrupt my fun right now. Yeah. Oh, Sean says we're eating in a loud place right now.

Colin, just for a second. We're almost done. That like you're dating. It's calling for a second. Just want to hear your voice. Is what I do now. I don't take any nonsense from anybody. All that fucking food, man.

Oh my god. Yeah. That's how. What a fucking jerk. Wait, how did they get that? I held it up in front of the camera. Oh my god. Easy, this guy's.

Oh yeah. I will never put my phone up ever again. You get attacked. I know. What could that woman possibly want the internet to look like? I don't know, man. She was extra sensitive. She wants laws against...

She was comparing, walking through an alleyway, as comparable to being online. You know, listen. You got to look at different shoulder online. No. All right, I'm gonna read some comments. We'll see if Sean calls in. Oh, this guy got, this guy says he almost got raped. Oh, is that, do you want to hear about that?

I don't know. Hey, Dick, I thought you, I thought you, you'll read this because you get a billion. Oh, here he is. Here he is. Here he is. Hey, what's up? Hey, man, what's happening? Nice wallby picture. You piece of shit. I hope that it bites your dick off. You're on the show right now. It was great. I knew I was on the show right

now. It was great to give me a really nice massage afterward. I trained them to do that just for just for tourists. That's fantastic, Sean. They're trying to do that just for just for tourists. That's fantastic Sean They're trying to do that just for people who show up to commitments. Oh Hey, everyone said that everyone said that you sucked at the show The refund wasn't enough they wanted double they want to double back because I know they want blood. They wanted double, they wanted double back. Cause, uh, No, I know they want blood, they want my blood. Yeah. I know.

How are you? I heard nothing but, uh, but horrible reviews. Yeah. How's my dream trip that you're enjoying right now? How's 80s girls vacation that you, that you stole from her? Oh my God. Oh no. She's a teacher, you know, she only gets two weeks off.

If, if I recall, you said something like, well, you know, she only gets two weeks off. If I recall, you said something like, well, you don't want to, I take it, you don't want to go, right? Oh to her. Yeah, I'm not letting her lose in a country full of those hilarious men. Australian men, you know, fit they are down there. Fuck that. Let me tell you what, I undersold the women in this country all uh...

no no offense uh... i got it why what do you mean what do they look like fat i bet there do the hotel maids look good ahhhhhh

the hotel they are like five eight five nine i've never seen a country with taller women What's the hotel? They are like 5, 8, 5, 9. I've never seen a country with taller women. They all wear these, I guess the hip thing right now is to wear these like kind of like workout pants that are tight. Let me tell you one. That's hip over here too, you asshole.

Yeah, but there are 20 pounds lighter here. OK. And let me tell you what, your views, if you spend some time in this country, your views will evolve. Will they be flipped upside down? You will become an ass man. Uh, all right. I'm back to being depressed.

I take the whole show for me to cheer myself up again. This fucking guy. I knew you were doing the show too. back to being depressed. It took the whole show for me to cheer myself up again. No. This fucking guy, man. I knew you were doing the show too. Shit, what was I gonna say to you? I had a good joke. I'm gonna, I'm gonna ask all of you. Yeah. Fuck, I can't, I can't remember it now.

All right, well. What? I'm mixing this thing, right? Yeah, oh, those hotel, I was gonna say those hotel rooms that I paid for That's where the maids look so hot wonderful Everything's better if it's free Even yeah

Hey, well you get this guy that where are you right now in Brisbane? Can you give that no you you don't have any doctor peppers. What am I saying? Well, fuck you. I'm going to go drink some doctor peppers that you don't have access to. And enjoy. I like fat women. I like to fat women in America. I love it. Yeah. I love it. I love a good, I love a good extra 20, 30, 60 pounds. That's the moon. I don't want. I think what's 60 pounds. That's the move. I don't want a woman. I think what's 60 pounds amongst friends? The Michelin man in lipstick.

That's what I want. That's my dream woman. Cross dressing, but banded. Yeah. Okay. All right, goodbye. See you. All right.

I'm too upset. Let's just go to, let's just do voice meals. This is, um, the two. There's been the Dixiaos. Thanks, Johnny do voice mails. This is um. The two. It's been the dick show. Thanks Johnny for coming in to this depressing episode. How did I, how does it feel? I wish there was a way that I could take depression out of me and put it on to other people. Every time I'm here.

Thanks Lacey. Thank you. I'm happy to be here. Do you have anything to plug? Like telling people to believe in themselves or anything? No, nothing to plug. No. Okay.

This has been the Dix show. TheDix show.com, Dix show. Patreon.com slash the Dix show. See you next Tuesday. This is a remix by Ego Makes Beats. We'll do some voice mails, some read some comments, and get some more Australian people in here. Oh, that's cool. Wow.

Nice. I love this pink. Antoid says you could fuck to this. You know I was so sad when I got turned away from Australia that I couldn't even look at Portnader-Feed. Did you try it like for exactly like a 5-star ticket? Yeah I did. I did. I tried.

I loaded up Reddit and went to the bigger than you saw it subreddit and I loaded it on like I don't even care. I tried. I loaded up, read it. And went to the bigger than you saw, it sub-read it. And then I loaded it on, like, I don't even deserve to look at this. Have you ever felt so bad that you don't deserve to look at pornography? That's when you got the million miles there going on. Yeah, I threw through this. I am the same as a Vietnam veteran.

I feel that, yeah, it's traumatized. The cold wind blows right through you. Oh no. No, we'll feel like no person. You're just a thing. No, down. Okay, let's do some whistles. Do you like my name as Earl Plan?

Do you think that's a good plan? Yeah. Do you like my name as Earl Plan? Do you think that's a good plan? I love the speed. You go? Hey, so I got some big tips for the version concept. I'm a newly divorced man, answered the dating world again.

My most effective pickup lines to get a broad life rate have been, anything that will use a pun, especially if you can somehow work in their naming to that pun. For example, you meet a Megan, say you're so hot, you're Megan me crazy. They can't get it off that shit. I'm going to go fuck yourself. Lacey, do you think that guy's right? Do you Lacey, what he's talking about? It works. It works. He's right.

He's right. It's just you didn't. It wasn't your name. So you were instantly consumed with jealous. Totally, totally. Yeah. he's right he's absolutely right thank you sir thank you for the thank you for the time i said my name i lit right up

uh... maybe you just say your name lacy now did not hey dick but that's a recent episode regarding the whole uh... the robo callers.

So, I actually run a telephone company. We've boycoverized the telephone company. Let me tell you, it's a telephone industry was not built with security in mind to even verify that the phone call that you are receiving is from the actual number. It is such a trust-based system that there is zero chance whatsoever that you can verify that the other person on the other end of that line has that actual phone number. And it all stems back to the original copper line. Each copper line was assigned a number. And that's how it was verified.

We trust that, yes, that copper line has that number and therefore we trust it inherently. But now with the invention of the internet and voice over IP and all this stuff, you can spoof those phone numbers just like eating candy. I mean this there's I Could call you from 800 numbers or what I call you from the goddamn White House They get this is the White House phone number. This is Jim Bob both baby calling you from the White House

Jake McGee call me from the White House Hey, do you want you want some fucking pamper? Is that really? the is that really and the is that is a list and there is nothing to cure what's ever about the phone industry

and there was a period of time when everything started going digital when somebody should have had the thought to say, yeah, you know, maybe we should implement something. But that time has come and gone. And unfortunately, this problem is not going away. And it is not going away any time soon you know it is because the whole collective of the i think you know i mean the ft has effectively no tea

when it comes to telecom i don't think whatsoever i mean you have to have a a governmental edict that says if you're not compliant by this time you get find billions of fucking dollars but that'll never happen because of fucking lobbyists it will never fucking happen because guess what? all the voice over IP phone systems that have gone into place over the last

twenty twenty five years they're all built on a no security model and it more talking you know hundreds of about you know of millions of fucking devices out there. There's no fucking way that it's going to be replaced within a year to keep that model afloat. Yeah, there he goes. It's got auto cut off at three minutes. A lot of people run into. That's pretty interesting, I guess.all stuff never getting fixed we're gonna throw our phones away good who needs them you know dick my rage is fucking sundays some pure tanical fucking bullshit theocracy regime decides that on oh, on Sundays, we're going to have like retarded fucking

hours that I can't go and get my fucking work done. I do hate that. God damn it. The open on fucking Sunday. I just have normal goddamn fucking hours on Sundays. This is my day off. Who is poor? I'm able to get fucking work done.

But I can't do it because everything is fucking closed or open that were tarded fucking hours. Oh my God. Shut the fuck up about Sunday being some stupid fucking holy day. This is the problem with fucking religion and shit. Go fuck yourself. Take off fucking Monday. We'll alternate goddamn fucking schedules, but no. Sunday is just this special fucking day that I'm not allowed to go and do work. Even though that's the only day of the week that I can go and do fucking work. Yeah, I know what that is. Fuck your fucking self.

It's, it is a conspiracy to encourage you to get married because you cannot get anything done without a wife to take care of your chair, of your chores, like take your shirts to the cleaners, take your car to jiffy lub, get it smog checked, you need a wife to do this shit. That's why everything is closed on Saturday Sunday. It's a conspiracy of women keeping everything closed so you as a working man can't get

anything done because otherwise you would go, what do I need these women for? Absolutely nothing. But if it was just staggered, like Saturday Sunday clothes, money Tuesday clothes, you know, whatever comes next, clothes, you'd be totally fine. There would always be a bank open for you, but women have their claws in them. Hey, do you agree with me? I got another rage. Wow, that's a lot. It drives me absolutely fucking crazy Uh-huh when I drive in the car for any amount of time and I step out of the car and my back is soaked and fucking sweat

I don't know what it is. I have a Z My internal temperature of the fucking car could be negative 20 degree Douthiest and I'll still be fucking sweating up a storm I don't know why but I just fucking every time I get out of the car my shirt just needs to be changed It's so fucking it drives me up a fucking wall And I don't know if this is just because I live in Florida and this is a Florida problem I'm sure you guys have this down in California. I bet it doesn't even fucking matter I could go to Alaska and get in the car. Drive five minutes down the convenience store

and the rest of me is fine, but my back is perspiring like a motherfucker. Anyway, go fuck yourself. I heard that happens when you're extremely horny that the problem the gentleman is describing happens. And that you haven't got, you know, you little backed up. Yeah. Oh my God. It only happens to me every once in a while. It will happen to me. And that's always when it happens

I read that they did mathematically through it. Yeah. You can get backed up. Your balls. What do you mean? There's a link to the whole of your body. Yeah. Yeah. What me? Like guys in general. Oh yeah. And then a little, if you go too long, a little light will start flashing in your eyeball that looks like a little penis with a spurting thing on it, you know, like the oil light. It's got three bars in it. Yeah. It will just blink when you wake up,

but then if you go too long, it will stay on all fucking days. You call your dad. Why is this light, why is this fucking penis light on in my face? Oh yeah, you gotta take that in. You only got one penis, you can't be neglecting maintenance. All right, man, fuck off. Check the oil.

Hey, check it out. When I get that, I go to your mother. Oh my god, never mind. Never mind. Why why did I ask you why didn't I just look it up on the internet yeah you didn't know that I've ever heard of that hey jigg is a doctor doctor in southern Florida I'm giving you a call in my car because it's just fucking happens for me and I am losing my goddamn mind. You know, mixing a fucking rage is inconsiderate J-walkers. You know, I have nothing in early wrong against J-walking. Waiting for the light to take 30 seconds to a minute to change.

There's no cars coming, walk across, sure, whatever, who gives a shit. Inconsiderate J-walkers. Driving home. Sort of in the outside of the city's there's a couple intersections pedestrians walking around The light is green. I am driving 30 miles per hour in a straight line This motherfucker looks at me Sees me coming towards him. Sees the green light and just starts fucking shimming across like you've got a broken fucking ankle I have no fucking electric football you think you are

But if you are just gonna be walking in front of cars you deserve not only be run over But staked in front of my bumper and driven straight into a fucking wall. Mm-hmm And if that wasn't enough Get out to the kind of the outskirts of the city. Had one dude just walk across the street. You know, I have like 20 cars behind me. It's a busy road. This motherfucker just shimmies across the street with no regard to anybody around him. I, you know, of course, everyone has the fucking stuff because you can't run these motherfuckers over So I'm in the front of course I fucking honk at me. Go back to your fucking sidewalk

You've got the gun the fuck is wrong with you and this guy has not only the adapt to look at me and flip me off But I stand there and my fucking lane Serrying at me while the other guys went around Fuck in consideration, Jay Walker, it's got fucking down. Oh, oh, oh. Or it's war when you'll be driving and it will turn red, and you'll stop short, but someone will start to walk and be like, whoa, whoa, I just shut the fuck up across the street.

That's like you never drove a- you probably haven't ever driven a car before you walking fuck. I have the same thought driving up your driveway in a blind corner. This woman just started like, very walking, veering. Where, right down the street? With the stop sign? Yes!

Did she have dogs? No. Uh, we drove- we were driving home today. There is a stop sign at the end of my street that I refused to stop at because it's point you can see Everything. Yeah, this This green haired this this bitch with green dreadlocks shitlocks moldy shitlocks Was walking three little chihuahua's and I go through the stop sign. I see her, I stop and she goes, ah, just stop sign.

It's a stop sign. Ha ha ha. Well, I'm stopped here, aren't I? You're gonna just run over your fucking dog like, don't tell me that you drive at like five miles an hour when you're driving the They're just acting. I know. I know when I ran it because there's never anybody here.

Why are you walking in an obviously dangerous spot when you know yourself that no self-respecting person would stop at this stop sign. It's a complete waste of time. There are never any cops up here. There's never any reason to stop there. Don't play me. You're just afraid because you were walking in the wrong place. Don't turn that around. Don't put that evil on me. You dumb bitch. Have incident like that this week. Yeah. Almost had to kill a guy on a bike. Yeah. It was fucking... On a bicycle?

Yeah. I brought in another article too about bicyclers. Let me see if I got that. They are definitely pieces of shit. Yeah. So are the people. Experts call for the word cyclists to be banned. There was a link between dehumanization of cyclists and deliberate acts of aggression directed toward them

on the road. Yeah, the link is that they're complete pieces of shit. Huge pieces of shit. They're fucking assholes. Fuck, man. And they have gay little shorts. Oh, man. Professor Narell Hayworth said the study,

which questioned 500 people found that 55% of non-cyclists rated cyclists as not completely human. Yeah. True. True. It's true though. If you get on that bike, you turn it to a huge motherfucker. Yeah.

It's like, oh man, whatever you get, you're asking for it. You're asking for it. Oh man. You're just doing everything, you're just fucking things out. I'm getting pissed off thinking about it, man. Go ride down a canal or something. Go ride on the rooftops.

She's behind a push to scrap the word cyclist and replace it with the term people who are, people who ride bikes. People who are fucking idiots. Fucking idiots. She's, this is her push to uninvent the word cyclist and replace it with people of bicycles. You can't scream out, fucking people of bicycles.

Say fucking cyclists, like. What are you? I'm a person of bicycles. A person of bicycles. Nice to meet you. A person made of bike, like, what the fuck does that even mean? A P O B. A person of bicycles and he was the weirdest

motherfucker I ever met. What did he do? He was so strange, like, he was really uptight. He was like in finance, super uptight, like, permister, permister, fucking perfect. And I'm not this perfect. So it was very, like, per Mr. Per, Mr. fucking perfect. And I'm not this perfect. So it was very, like, we were just getting to know each other. He took me to like a date, like one of those restaurants,

like it's like food pairing with like a 20 course meal thing. Oh, wow, he's really, really trying to crack that code, huh? But we didn't speak it, he didn't want to talk the whole dinner because he just wanted to enjoy the experience. Of the silence? Yeah. And so I was like, but the second he would talk about cycling, he just lit up like crazy.

And I immediately like, it just pissed me off. Like literally that one, like he would just light. What is there to talk about with cycling? He was telling me about all of his routes. I mean, that he had needed to get up in the morning to go do this. He was taking a trip to Italy to go cycle all over fucking Italy.

It was just too much. I'm gonna talk about beating off like that. If anybody talks to me about bicycles, I'm gonna go like, yeah, awesome man, I got this lotion and I like to get up and stretch. I put on special shoes and lock them into my beat off harness in my shower. It's like the fact that he doesn't want to talk about anything except cycling.

I bet you he could draw a perfect circle, freehand first try. Oh. Like fucking lunatic. lunatic, he was... Oh, it's great. Professor Shitworth, who is the director of Center for Accident Research, says it's important for drivers to view cyclists as real people. No, they can't. I can't look at other things that they're real.

Uh, we need to spread the idea that those people, cyclists, could be any one of us. That's false. That's fucking false. I would never put myself on a bike like that. I would never be a cyclist. There are more odds. No child of mine would ever be a cyclist either.

That's disgusting. I'm not even giving my kids bikes. You will never know what this is like. This is not for you. Not for any. Our family has ridden bikes and fucking generations. We don't even walk. Next thing you know, you're gonna be freaking sneakers

into this house with those little platforms in the balls of the feet to exercise your calves you The study found that one in five drivers deliberately blocked cyclists on roads You do that I've definitely pulled in the lane a few times while one in ten admitted to using their car To cut off a cyclist 11% a deliberately driven their car close to a cyclist. And 9% admitted they used their car to cut off a cyclist. That's cutting off. That's a little more.

Yeah, cutting off sentence. I've drove driven close to somebody before. I just throw dead batteries at them. I got like a, I got like a, my console's full of dead, dead, double A battery. My vaults. Check them out them. Oh my god.

Oh, this was in Australia. Maybe that's why I got not what it is. People of bicycles, they go. All right, one more, one more in the world. Hey, Deco, listen into the, what's that? 157, 158 episode, I don't know if it was the back of the back drive down the road and one of the things that got me was

the dad bought the fucking dad bought i don't know who the fuck came up with this term but motherfuckers since about age twenty three i've been told you got a perfect deadbot Mm-hmm all the girls that I've dated like what another trick another trick Oh

I'm like shit. I'm 200 pound six foot two There's no fucking belly there. There's no fucking ass I'm a skinny man like there's no fucking dad God Fuck off with this term. It is insulting. It is infuriating. It is downright degrading to anybody who doesn't want kids Which includes me for the time being We shit. I'm 30 now and I'm still getting this shit. Are you too old to have kids anyway? Seven years since you got a good dad bod. No, fuck off.

Fuck off of that term. God damn it, marketing people. Fuck off. Marquis people. Anyways, go fuck yourself. That's another trick that the women employees to chron you into a family. Because gamin don't ever get compliments.

So if we get a compliment on about our body, we're more receptive to living up to whatever stereotype that is, dad, you hear dad boggling. So dad boggling a compliment? They mean it like a compliment. Oh yeah, they definitely, chicks mean that as a compliment. Have you ever heard of dad boggling?

I've heard of it. Dad boggs are bad boggs. No, it's not meant as a pejorative. I promise, I'll bet on it. Completely. Maybe in Plotty's world, but in the real world, beer ads and credit cards, yes, it would make me feel good if someone were to tell me that I had a dad bod.

If you must know. Okay. I don't have a lot to feel good about these days. And that certainly would. Would you be okay with being told you had a dad? I'd fucking walk right into traffic. I'd die out with that. See? Like I said, take anything I can do.

But that's just where he's at. That's where he's at with my dad life. So you want to be a dad? I don't know. It shows over. It shows over. That's too late. It's too late to ask those types of questions. Um, so you want to be a dad? I don't know. Don't. It shows over. It shows over.

That's too late. It's too late to ask those types of questions. All right, everybody. See you.