The Dick Show - Episode 187 - Dick on Turned Japanese

Episode Date: January 1, 2020

Eating fish j*zz, how to have herpes, Peach's skeleton fetish, diversity in Japan, standing in line, the bullet train, cucking a cop, ; all that and more this week on This Dick Show!

Oh, well, this will shut them up. All right. Um, we should start the show before it gets too late. How much time do we have left in this palace? It's 136. We have three hours. Okay. I don't even know how to do it without the fucking theme music, either.

Do you want me to sing it? Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo- Part first Right yeah, yeah, yeah, or any of you go to beat boxing by any chance Oh, I feel so bad for you There they echo Oh, that's fine. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. All right. Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to the day you want to do, do, do, do, do,

you got it. I'm hearing the song in my head as I show what it's a contest. Coming to you live from the NOAA? The NOAA not live. No, coming to you from the NOAA sound studio. In the land of the Tomi Tsanaka, the land of the rising sun. I am your host, Dick Maschis,

and the $20 million man recently voted America's worst Mexican, maybe the world's worst Mexican by now. Do I get that title back after putting this together? Did someone take it from you? I just don't wanna be called the worst Mexican anymore for 37 weeks running. I thought you were the best Mexican. No, I blew that when I blew Australia,

a country that I'm not allowed in that I can, I climbed to the top of Mount Fuji and I look over with a pair of binoculars and I can see the promised land that I've never allowed in for the, I'm not allowed in a country. Wait, wait, really? You're not allowed in the country.

I mean, that's the story I'm going with because it sounds better than I fucked up, Visa. It's been so long since I've seen you. Like I don't even know where to get. It's been so long since you've even reached out to talk to me to be honest. Oh, don't not. Joining me for this special Japanese end of year, perhaps beginning of year episode, the very lovely, the delightful, excuse me, uh, peace saliva. Hello today. How are you doing? I'm hung over as fuck. Oh, are you? Yeah, piece saliva. Hello today. How are you doing? I'm hung over as fuck. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got really drunk with some like gaming executive type, whatever the fuck. And we got

smashed. Yeah. So long story. And I dressed up like a lamb. A cammy executives were doing. They were, they, they work in the games. I don't know. I'm not running up. I can't actually. They work in the games. They work in the games. Are you going to be a gaming executive or something? That's right. Are you getting into gaming? I myself. I've never. I don't think you should. I don't know about. I don't know about it. We're coming to you from Japan. The amount of work that has gone into setting up for the show is embarrassing for what the end product is going to be, I absolutely promise you that, but we're getting it to you.

We're getting you one last podcast before the end of the year. Sean is gonna burn the midnight ass and put it together for you. I'm gonna send it, there's gonna be, there's video. This is a mobile, this is a full on mobile studio coming to you from the NOAA Sound Studios. I've got a thank, I've got a thank so many people whose names I don't know.

Remi, thank you so much. Thank you so much for booking the studio and for translating with the very lovely, very, I have to, I have to tell you, my Japanese women are the most competent women, no offense speech, but white women are pretty much worthless. Japanese women. They're so together. They have their shit in a row, dude. It's unbelievable.

And I don't want 80s girls listening in the sound studio. I don't want her to get off the hook. I mean, any part of white, white, any white mix, but the Japanese women here who said, she literally came in here and explained to me how to set up drivers on my computer in a language that she doesn't speak. I'm the idiot. I have never built this before. Welcome to Japan, we're everyone smarter than you.

And you might as a smarter, but competently explaining to me drivers. She's smarter than you. That's not. She had to explain it to you. You could teach a monkey how to pilot a spacecraft. That doesn't mean She's smarter than you. That's not. She had to explain it to you. You could teach a monkey how to pilot a spacecraft. That doesn't mean it's smarter than me. I'm just saying helpful.

Oh, of course. Oh, of course. I've never wanted to get jerked off by a taxi cab driver before, before coming here. But there are hot, elegant women. Oh. Driving taxis. Oh, it's like, what is it? The gloves?

What does it for you? Yes, the gloves is definitely part of it. What is that? Why do men it the gloves? What does it for you? Yes, the gloves is definitely part of it. What is that? Why do men like the gloves? Because we know that you hate us, so we want you to buy, we want you to completely commit to that. We know that you despise us in our hearts. And you're just like, yeah, just go for it.

Go tell us how gross we are, put on the gloves. Don't even look me in the eye. Do all men want to be stepped on and like laughed at? Is that not laughed at? Yeah, just stepped on and over with. Get the poison out, you know. It's been 10 minutes. Handle me like a mink mink, which Vase is it?

I think mink mink mink Vase. Mink mink. I'll tell you I'll tell you something about Japan though. Tell me. It has made me realize just how much I despise America. Yeah. I know I have to get back to America, so I don't want to say something I can't take back.

Yeah. But they really have their shit together here. Just you wait, you're gonna get reverse culture shock going back. Even though you're only here, what, like, how long are you here? Nine days or something like that? You're, I mean, that's long enough. I mean, you can get reverse culture shock going back. Even though you're only here, what, like, how long are you here? Nine days or something like that? You're, I mean, that's long enough. I mean, you can get reverse culture shock going back. You're gonna smell people.

You're gonna hear everything, because we're loud and smelly. Like, it's horrible. It's when I moved back a few years ago. Yeah. It was the worst feeling in the world. I could smell everyone around me. You sound like Agent Smith in the Matrix.

Oh shit. Maybe he was just a Japanese guy. Maybe. No, but I'm me. He's an agent Smith in the Matrix. Oh shit. Maybe he was just a Japanese guy. Maybe. No, but I'm serious. It's gonna fuck you up. It's already fucking me up. Like I feel like there's like a horrible American inside of me that I'm just trying to keep contained while I'm here.

Here's another question. How's your digestion? What are you talking about? Well, like, how is it? I was here for three hours and I got tricked into eating semen. Fish semen. So not good.

Who, why, how? Okay, here's the number one. Yeah. It's the people who bring you out to a nice dinner or whatever. And then they are always the first in line to start ordering weird shit. Chicken hearts, fish, jizz, feet, monkey feet. This is a beautiful, I have been on a plane for 30 hours. I am pretty much a zombie and you're feeding me a, you're bookhacking me with fish come.

No, I did not know about the fish come delicacy. That's new. The feet, yeah, whatever. Have you ever tasted semen before? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You know how it is, man? The fish just tastes exactly the same. I don't know why I, I don't know why I thought I could get away with it.

Like I don't know why I tried to tough guy my way through that exchange. These guys ordered, there was a weird, they brought a weird bowl of squiggles, white squiggles. Oh yeah, yeah. I'm like, what's that? Because everything else that looks like that in this country is chocolate and delicious.

What's that? And this guy, Australian of course, says, oh, it's fish, it's fish and delicious. What's that? And this guy, Australian, of course, says, oh, it's fish, it's fish semen. I bet you're not a bad enough dude to eat that fish semen. Oh, he knew. I said, oh yeah. Chokes on you, idiot. Home.

Well, you picked up the semen. Like it was, I don't understand. You were saying fried semen. What? So it wasn't even just guzzy. Well, it wasn't a clop of. I don't know. I don't know. It sounds wasn't a clop of. I don't know. I don't know. It sounds like you just blew a fish.

I don't know. I don't know how this works. No. So you had deep fried come. I think it was a lady. I'm going to pretend it's a lady fish. Yes. Wait. It's deep fried come. No, I'm totally serious. Within like two hours of being here, we went out with 80s, which friends were demented to do this to me.

So they're old friends, so they're old friends, a boyfriend. And it's a bowl of, it looks like white pig tails, like squiggly, rubbery pig tails. And because of the jet lag, I was basically raped. Because of the jet lag, I didn't have the ability to say no, I was compromised. And then they pressured me into doing it with

chow by challenging my ego. And it yes. And for some reason, I thought that they would have like fried the semen out of it. But no bullshit. I picked up the squiggle, put it in my mouth, and started chewing like a tough guy, eyeing this guy, right in his eyes, we're doing this together. Getting to get anything out of this one, I'm eyeballing you directly as I, as you put come in your mouth, you looked a man straight in his eyes, as you shoved semen

in your hot wet little mouth. Okay. Well, you know, I'll get into it. Yeah. Burst. Yeah. And my mouth was instantly filled with regret. What did it taste like? Well, why do you, what do you mean? What did it taste like? It tasted like I've never eaten fish come. It tasted like someone has just cleaned your parents pool. It's like someone has just cleaned your parents pool. You know that, Ploreini, that awful, what do you like your parents pool? What are you talking about?

No, you know, like the lingering smell of a clean pool, a clean public, like when you go to the public pool, you probably never been to a public pool though, you're very fancy. When they clean it, they just dump chemicals in. Swimmer, you fucking, what? Were you really? Yeah, for like 10 years.

With those shoulders? Yes, thank you. Yeah, that's a compliment. Oh, I was gonna, okay, cause I used to get made fun of for my lineback shoulders. Lineback? Or yeah, linebacker shoulders, or huge. But, but yeah, I used to swim.

But, so it tasted like chlorine. Chlorine, yeah. Okay, and. Okay. And then I tried to just power through it. Really even spit it out. No, again, I was good. Is it a real man? Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Yeah. Well, that's weird. You know, I find it. I've been devoted the inside of my nostrils with seam and basically, I find it very interesting that you'll eat a big ol' glob of fish come, but you can't even handle two squirts of mustard in your mouth without spitting up. Me too, actually. Um, who do you think you could eat more come?

It's free fish come between us. You want to have a chug going to... Don't you dare bet me. I just got this down. I was warping my mind because I feel like for three, I feel like for three and a half days, I've been meeting my girlfriend's parents. That's how I act here. Yeah.

Oh yeah, I don't want any attention at all. Oh yes, very pleased to have meet you. Yeah. Okay, let me see what I actually have here. I didn't want to talk about that fish come story. Because it's discussing it. Great story. But it exploded and then it was all,

I was like trying to tongue it out of the way of my mouth. And the rid of it is quickly passing. Trying to get as much of it back in your mouth as you could to save it, I understand. And it never left. Oh, the like the feel of it, yeah, never left. I feel like it never left my mouth. And then for days I'm thinking,

I'm kind of terrified of taking a shit because I'm like, well now I'm shitting out that fish semen Like this this gonna be the one in your ass is what you're telling me right and that's gay Oh my god, I missed you. It's been too long. I missed you as well I'm fucking hey, why do you want to fuck skeletons Skellington's what is the deal with that? That's a really good question I don't know. I thought it was like a more, we've never talked about the Savoy on here. I thought it was like,

I see people always posting on your timeline, like this is who Peach wants to, this is her ideal man. It's like a Skellington and guy was like a Skellington dick, like a bone sticking out. What's up with that? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it's, I just, I'm very,

this is so weird to talk about here, but I really, really, really, really, Oh, that's weird? Yeah, that's weird. The scaling to something? Yeah. Okay. Well, okay, so I thought it was a relatively new thing,

but I actually looked back through my phone and I found skeleton porn from like early 2012. That I just forgot about. How do you have skeleton porn? I have so much skeleton porn. In fact, this one chick, I mean, how is a skeleton porn? Like, what does it look like?

I have a lot of it in my bag, I'll show you. Like a skeleton, like a bones banging a... Well, it depends, it depends. Because sometimes he gets like a bone dick, I guess, and sometimes he doesn't have a dick, and sometimes it's magic dick, just depends on the artist. Okay, you like You like that?

I do, I don't know why, because I think thin men are gross. What did that mean? No fence, no fence. Well, no, I'm not thin at all, so I'm not offended. I'm fed at all. Not talking to you. Fucking. You really like skeleton men?

Look in this bag. It's so heavy. Okay, so I went to Comic-Cat, that's why I'm in Tokyo. All right. Look in this bag. It's so heavy. Okay, so I went to Comic-Cat. That's why I'm in Tokyo. All right. And I just loaded up with... By the way, big studio audience here.

Thank you guys for coming. Thank you so much. I don't know. Please have a rage for the end of the show. Don't act like you didn't know I was gonna ask you. Which everyone, which everyone, oh, you have two. All right. And happy new year everybody. For God's sake, happy new year, even though this is everyone, oh, you have two. All right. And happy new year, everybody, for God's sake,

happy new year, even though this is coming out the day after new year. So now some of it is not porn. Some of it is just, I literally, as soon as I recognized characters I like, I just picked it up. I haven't even gone through a lot of them, but a lot of it is. Let's see these bone guys.

Yeah, yeah. I saw, I went into a bookstore and saw a huge titted anime girl on the cover. Yeah. And I grabbed for that thing like I was an Easter egg hunt. Like, yeah, I grabbed it. I remember it was all just words. What the hell is this shit? Well, I threw it.

If I didn't know, and I would have gotten you some big titty porn comic cut, but I figured if known what, if you would have wanted that, which is foolish, because of course you did. Yeah, I was okay. Oh, there's also. I mean, make up lies when you get me big titty anime porn. Oh, yeah, there. That's the one. This is a very erotic.

Yeah, that's. Skeleton. That's Sans. That's my favorite. What a man or a woman. That's a man. So I don't like feminine presenting skeletons. They have to be masculine. I don't like the-

Like, it has to be- Are you fucking serious? Why are you all about- Yeah. Wait, that means there's other people into this. This is like- Yes. It's getting fucked.

Yes. Like, there's some like shit going on. Okay. Like, it's- Yeah, no, I'm like not alone. In fact, I've got like a ton of artists now follow me and they're like, hey, what's up? And I'm like, I love you, good job.

This is a Skellington, a little, is this a child? Huh? Skellington? No, no, that's a little skeleton. Sansa's short. Sansa's short. Well, like a child? No, he's short.

Well, no, like Toby Vox says he's like fucking like 19 or 20 or something. Well, that's pretty close. It's, no, it's Sans Undertale, he's not a child. Frisk, Frisk is a child. This, he's spooning, he's big spooning a, some kind of a ice monster. Uh, is it a fire monster? Oh, that's girl bee. Again, I haven't looked through these just yet, so what is this stuff? You're doing what do you mean?

I'm involved in what are you talking about? It's this is weird and furry stuff Like this is like a big poop coming out of a tub where this one right here We do glasses. I can't see. Oh, yeah, that is weird. I can okay Yeah, that looks like a dick. Okay. I mean, I don't know. It's can, okay. That looks like a dick, huh? Okay. I mean, I don't know. It's fun. So you like skeleton.

I do. I mean, I- Sexually. Yeah, but they have to be dudes. Like, I don't, like, and one of my friends tried to test me. Like if a guy is wearing, like, one of those glow in the dark bone things, you like that? No, has to be a skeleton.

Oh, it has to be a real skeleton. Yeah, like the idea. But that if it's like one of those science displays, like seventh grade middle school science. That's nice. So you're lying back and he's like talking, he's doing the mouth while he's plowing you. I'm into it, pluck it, why not, yeah.

Take it, take it. Yeah, fuck it, why not? Do you have to spend so whole time too? Yes, absolutely, you have to. That's outrageous. Why? Why? I don't know, that's not, that's far from the dumbest thing

I've heard of woman in the show. Katty, and shit. That's true, good point. All right, what else do you have in here? I was just a bunch of charms and shit. I just picked up anything with skeleton shit on it. Also, there's a bloodborne porn, dead by daylight, shit.

Okay. And fucking... Did you really buy all this stuff? I bought, I spent an outrageous amount of money. What is? And not all of it is. What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

Going to Comic-Cat. Skeleton porn? Going to Comic-Cat. Not all of it is porn. Some of it's just cute light novels or whatever. Okay. But mostly I went for the porn. You're very much specifically, I mean,

I could sort through this thing all day. It's okay. Macabre Museum, it's function. I mean, I'll have to show through this thing all day. It's okay. Yeah, it's a Macabre museum Function I mean I'll have to show you like it's crazy. Okay. Yeah, so yeah, I like skeletons. I think they're Weirdly hot. I don't know why I have no and it has to it has to be a pearly white skeleton I don't like it when they're bloody or old like like yellow or like dirty from dirt like and like in indian Jones when he picks the wrong

Grail are you there finger blasting yourself basically composing basically hottest that like the guys like this and they're doing this you know you know how that will know how the first level of every video game there's like a bone guys that come at you I'm always like nice it's perfect okay you know I'm always like nice, it's perfect. Oh, okay. You know what I'm talking about, like dark souls and shit. They're like, I was using more ghouls and goblins, that's more of my speed. You're old. Thank you.

Somebody zoomed in. I was posting pictures of myself in front of swastikas that I found all over here. Oh, you mean the Buddhists? Some, um. No, the Nazi swastika. It's not. Okay, so no, no, no, no, for real.

I posted, like, I've been joking around. I'll look at all these swastikas, proud boys, whatever. But then as I'm doing this, I went to one of the swastika temples and they have a shrine, a statue. And I'm reading the inscription and it says, this is dedicated to one of the priests of this Zen temple who went and fought for a world with bravely in World War II. I thought, oh, wait a minute, this is a, this is a Nazi monument, right?

No, no, because it's the other way, isn't it? Is that, you know, I'm talking about where? No, I mean, the guy. They would have been fighting on that scene. They would have been fighting on that scene. Oh, you're right. You know I'm talking about where no I mean the guy They would have been fighting on that I'm like wait a minute. This is I know I was absolutely right. I know what side this guy was fighting Cool fuck well, I don't think they should have taken the robberies. Please, statues down either. Did you take a picture of it? Yeah, I would.

I frowned. I mean, that's good. That's good, the e-fra. Yeah. I really gave it the old round. Yeah, you have to. Okay, let me check my notes here, because I spent all morning putting these together on the train, which by the way, the bullet train is, it feels like I wish, like I hope my dick feels like to

all the women who have experienced it. It feels like it goes about a billion miles an hour. At last, you hear that laugh there? Yeah. That better have been a laugh of agreement. It feels like a Gatorade commercial, a mid five gum commercial. I don't know. It goes from it's impossible to explain the thrill of being in a rollercoaster that is also a conveyance mechanism for all these people. I look that shit up. It only costs 200 billion yen. It only costs two billion dollars.

So instead of doing a rack, we could be having, we could basically have a bullet train to go from, for every person in America to take you to Ralph's and back. Ralph's? Ralph's is a grocery store. Oh. For almost two billion yen,

to our two billion dollars, 200 billion yen. Did you, did you do the trick where you take a 500 yen coin and put it on its side? And then you, and then it won't fall. The train is so smooth that if you take a 500 yen coin, put it on its side and it won't fall. It's unbelievable. It looks like a dildo, a space dildo. Yeah.

That's crew that crushes into the station and it's not, non-stop one after the other. I really, I cannot stress enough how much this country has made me hate America. This one, one, one, imagine this, imagine this, if you will. You're in this, you're in airport subway station, whatever. People are going down the escalator. Every single one of them is on the left side. Not even an arm outstretched, no one kicking back like a jackass with their foot out to relax. Everybody is on the left side as though they love it.

Oh, and there is more trash in my front yard than there is in the entire city. I have never felt so slavvently and piglocked. Like I feel like an orc. All this, I'm like, oh, this is where the elves live. I live in, I live in my own filth and I'm part of it. I have made this filthy society where I don't even pick, like if I drop trash in my house, I don't pick it up. But here, if I see someone else dropping trash

in the middle of the street, I'm like, oh, bitch, you dropped that, what? Don't go, come here, son, I'm on. You dropped some trash. Oh. It's like, no, that's, I just made them. It's like the whole country feels like the two or three days and your house after someone has cleaned it,

like your mom or your girlfriend or whatever. And you're like, oh yeah, I'm gonna change my life around this time. It's gonna be different. I'm not keeping a big mess. My house, I'm gonna, I just, what's the big deal? It's just a dish, a cup. I'm just gonna wash it out real quick.

They're done. Was that so hard? Now I live in a museum where I belong. But then two or three days of crap, you'll then, you know, one mistake later. And that's out the window. The whole country is like that. You, uh, I think there's a saying where if they find trash on the ground, I think sometimes Japanese people will say, oh, a foreigner has been here. Is that true? Have you heard that? Is that true?

Someone told me that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a cool area of that, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, it's not a stereotype at all. I'm grotesque.

Even the side of me, I'm the fattest person in this country. Not one. Not one. I have seen a couple fat chicks and that's it. And you know, I'm very reasonable when it comes to women in their weight. No.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. By the way, I love that of all the dickheads who showed up for the Japan show, zero Japanese. My weird, weird. Friend of mine recently started dating a Japanese chick and that's wild. Is your friend a chick?

No. Okay, this story went in front. Very interesting. I know, boring, right. But, but no, here's the weird thing. I didn't know this. She spends over an hour showering. Really?

Like, washing her hair and shaving every inch of her, neck down and like she comes out, I guess. The pubic region. I suppose must be said, neck down. And just like, and then plucks and then all these masks and shit and serums and fucking all this crazy shit. And she comes out looking like a fucking goddess. And looking like a completely different person. Yeah.

Because they can, I don't know how, it's so impressive. You've seen those videos where Asian women can transform their faces. Lies, yeah. And horrible lies. And with makeup. And so, and she just come out

looking like a completely different human. And it freaks them out. When they do that. To perpetrate falsehoods on men. Yeah. By painting themselves in that way way and looking nothing like how they actually look. What do you think about that?

Well, I agree with me that it is an evil act perpetrated to fool men out of their money and labor. I mean, men work out to look like they're competent and capable. What do you mean that's actually real? Okay, I used a three stage bidet today. Okay, not joking. Wait, what does that mean? Well, it had like a warm up.

Are you going to tell me about your asshole? I was just going to talk about the bidet, but if you want to hear me. Well, I mean, the bidet happened to your asshole. So I was just trying to get the fish come out of my mouth. Right. Okay. I just put my hand in the toilet. I'm just starting pressing buttons.

Yeah. Go on. I apologize. Please go on. It is the center of the culture. And the bidet is ubiquitous here. I don't think, I mean, if you dig a hole in the ground to shit in, I think a bidet will spontaneously,

I think a natural spring will shoot out and kiss your ass in Japan. I just can't believe, I can't believe how disgusted I am with America. With your daddy paper. Gross. And this is not a given in our country. We are so into guns and freedom

that we're neglecting our assholes. And it is abs, it is vile and sick and pretentious. You know, you can buy a little attachment for your toilet. And it's quite cheap. I have one. I have one, but it is not, I mean, you can, you go, I have, like I don't like shitting in public, and I see why now.

Yeah. Cause it's, it's so, it's like being in prison. But here, you get a three stage, but you get things to you. Fucking, lock it, lock it, lock it, Russian, and it sings to you. Sing's to you and it warms your buns. Toasty.

Oh, that is. Yeah, you're asked. Sing it down. Toasty. On, that is. Yeah, you're ass. Toasty. On a heated toilet seat. Like, I'll be in the fucking subway or whatever, and I'll sit down on a toilet and it's heated. Mm-hmm.

And so clean. And there's not shit all over. No, perfectly clean. Magic. Yeah, okay. I wiped my ass with origami today. You did. Yeah, they had full on, or in the bathroom,

they had the toilet paper, but then they had these origami statues that I assume were to use this toilet paper, because they're... Did you use someone's sculpture to wipe your ass? Well, yes, it's for you. Are you sure? That's what it was for though.

Now that you mentioned it, no, I'm not sure. Okay. Okay, here's, I'm not sure. Okay. Okay. Here's, I'm having a really hard time not doing the voice. Okay. Here? Do you know what I mean? No. The voice.

Oh, the, ah, I'm dead master syndrome. Look at me, I'm so mad, my face is this big. No, no, no, no. Is that what you're talking about? Because everything, everything here is also simulcast in English, which I found to be surprising. Like, I thought they hated, you know, gaggins and foreigners here.

No, I don't think they hate, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, I'm super hungover. I thought they had to stain, I thought Japan had to stain for foreigners here. It's as they should should because what coming to Japan has taught me is that diversity is a horrible sickness. Really, really, if you go to Japan, you send one burning bro here, they will come back, they will come back as they will come back, David Duke. There is no greater argument. Oh, God, this is what you guys do

when you're not just constantly squabbling over crumbs. Yeah, sign me up. Whatever it takes to get this, sign me up. I think a lot of it is the social pressure. So they have an enormous social pressure. That's why a lot of the women are so deathly thin. It's anorexia and bulimia here is like. They're thin, they're acceptably thin.

They look healthy. They're eating chocolate all're acceptably thin, they look healthy. They're eating chocolate all day because that's all that's for sale. Have you noticed that? How much sweets and chocolate? They fucking have. Asgro has gained 50 pounds since we got it. She just rolled her eyes at you. Kick your ass later.

No, but well, it's like every time I go somewhere and come back, people always request, like, hey, when you come back to Japan, we bring me candy. They always ask for candy. Yeah. The voice I'm talking about is the Japanese voice. Well, the Asian voice. Oh, I thought you were talking about your like shouting because of the... No, I'm talking about...

Yeah, don't do that. Well, fucking please don't. It's been really hard for me. I mean, I will say so when I was learning. I want to do even mentioning it. I want to do it right now. I feel like Roger Rabbit, we busted the wall. I too be every time I hear.

We would be making a brief stuff. I can just come on. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Why don say it, don't say it. Why don't you just learn some Japanese instead? You could, you could. And I could do the accent. Well, yeah, so that's why I'm trying to tell you.

So my Japanese instructor in college, I couldn't get the accent right. And she's like, listen, and she's Japanese. She was like, listen, I know it sounds kind of fucked, but I want you to, like, do it in the way that you think might be racist. But like, you know, say that- What do you mean racist, yeah? You know, like, you know, like in the way

that they pronounce their ours and ours differently. So- Oh my God, you know what I saw in a menu last night? What? French flies. Oh yeah, welcome. English is the best, dude. Yeah. I think, like, if they,

how come everything just can't be run by, even Twitter, just toss it out there. Someone will correct it. I'm like, hey, what do you guys think about this? No, it's not. This is what it should say. It's a free service. I think everyone in America would provide.

Yeah, no. I guess they just don't care. What the fuck is funny? You would see the craziest, go to a department store and just walk around and look at the shirts And what they say incredible you can get the weirdest shit on hats. It's it's a fucking riot. Yeah, it's the best you guys own a lot of Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the best Camping is intense oh yeah, I get that. Cool.

Cool. Cool. They blew the pun. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. That's a 99 yard line. There's zero trash already said that.

The women just walk alone at night, right for the picking. I'm sorry. I'm not afraid of, they're not afraid of anything. Oh, you mean late at night. Yeah, late at night, right for the picking. I'm sorry? I'm not afraid of anything. They're not afraid of anything. Oh, you mean late at night? Yeah, late at night. I was like, yeah, people walk alone. Not where, oh yeah. I don't even walk alone.

Oh yeah, fucking, I'll walk home. I've walked home in Osaka, like at 4 a.m. Just like, it's so safe here. Very, very, very, very safe. It's like being in the future, or an alternate timeline. Well, it's simultaneously so futuristic, but then some things are totally fucked like extremely cash-based society, especially in Osaka.

Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Okay. When before we left, everybody, oh, you got to get cash out. You got to get cash. They don't take, oh, yeah, they don't take credit cards. That's something that you're trying to, what is their, what is their central bank

have to say about that? What does Mastercard have to say about? They don't take, okay, we'll see. Ah, you know what, here, I got a couple bucks in my wallet. I'm just gonna leave them here to fucking spy. Of course, we show up. Everything's credit card, the taxi says, not no cash even accepted.

Really? Yeah. In Osaka. No here. Oh well. There haven't been no sac to you. Tokyo is one thing, but like, I mean, yeah, maybe it's a regional thing,

but I guess in anywhere, Kansai, everything is fucking cash. Like God help you. Try and use your card. And also they love faxing shit. They love faxing shit. And it's like, can't you just email me? No, no, no, no. I'm like, yeah, you have fax. Maybe faxing is cool. Again. Okay, let me see what else I had here.

I had a toilet that had a sink in the back. Yeah. Bit of over-engineering. Really weird. It's so weird. I didn't know what it was for for a long time. I was like, because I was like, am I using my pee water? What's happening? I don't know. Yeah.

It's Japanese women don't wonder where that, don't think that they're using pee water. They know, they understand the plumbing. It's really, it's really incredible. They know where pee water where the difference is between two water and not pee water. Fuck off. All right, listen, listen.

But this is the first time I've talked to you in like, what, you're like, you're in a half in person. So I'm just like, wow, fucking have you sat on like, just one of those like holes in the ground. You know what I'm talking about? Like just the fucking ground. I've shot on the ground. No, no, I know one of those holes in the ground. You know what I'm talking about? Like, just the fucking... I've shined on the ground.

No, no, I know you've probably shined on the ground. I mean, like, a trough. You know what, what is that called? Japanese style toilet. You know what I'm talking about? I've seen, yeah, 80s girl took a picture of one. Oh, she wrote that by herself. It makes me want to throw up.

The smell of old piss makes me want to die. Not even old poo makes me want to die as much as old piss. This is worse. Oh, it's okay. Wait, I don't know what it is. Why did you ask that if I had said in that before? Because I was I was curious about your opinion on like because like you have to like kind of squat over it and hunch and like your ass is out and like you could pee down your legs maybe or something. I'll just I don't have to pee like that. Or or something. I don't have to pee like that. Or shit, whatever, I don't know.

Yeah, I'll just save it. Wait till I get home. You'll save it. Yeah. Okay. All right, going home now. Let's go shit at home. Or go to McDonald's or something.

I'm gonna shit in a hole in the ground. What if it's an emergency? What if you like... I'm like, I should have a hole in the ground. What if it's an emergency? What if you like... I'm one of my pants. Yeah, who am I fucking talking to? Then it's everyone's problem. Yeah. It's shitting in a hole.

That's my problem, but you should in your pants, that's everyone's problem. Let me see what else I got. The face masks. Yeah. No, I hate them. Why?

Because you can't tell if a chick is hot or not, right? Yeah, you guys are notting. See, the Japanese women have discovered a way to ward off the, the age to ward off the cat call. Probably Western women are always complaining about cat calling, but secretly they love it and they want more of it. And that's why they're talking about. But in Japan, they just, they slap a mask on. And you have no idea what's underneath that if it's like that Jessica rabbit, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I thought, sorry, when you said face masks, masks, I thought you meant like where you put them on your face and like it's moisturizing

and shit. So I was confused there. You're talking about the half masks, right? The sick masks. I think they're cool. You don't think that's kind of hot? Like, when you're like, what do you want? No, because there are times that attendants some ego hiding it. It's not hot.

This is bullshit because you're all like, oh, I'd love it to be jacked off by a cabbie with gloves, but ooh. I could see your face. I can't have, who cares? You're getting jacked off. Who cares? Why do you need to see your face for?

Well, because right at the critical moment, she could rip it off and get me some kind of a pig snout under there or something. But does that make your dick unjacked off? Yeah. Sucks in. If a woman is ugly enough, it will, your semen will retract because it doesn't want to impregnate her.

That's a normal thing. That's not a no. That's not, I know. Yeah, no. That's a man's way of preventing his seed from being accepted by an inadequate mate. I do have a question. Go ahead. The question is, can men fake an orgasm?

Yeah, go give me some water. There, did you believe that I just came? What do you mean can men fake an orgasm? Can they fake an orgasm? Because I was talking to... That's how, that's what I do after every time I come. That's what that was the joke there. You have to get water? Yeah, can I actually go get, can you go get me some cereal or some water or something? What do you need cereal for? I just need some time to myself. It's always a trick. Oh, to get them out of the room. Why do you ask if men can fake an orgasm?

I was just wondering because Pat and I have had this talk and he insists that they totally can. But how? Because there's evidence. How wouldn't the lady or the person know that there's not a comey there? Excuse me? A comey. a come or whatever. I don't know.

What are you two, what are you saying that for? What's worse than the N word? What? Hummies? Come, comey, whatever. Whatever, I don't, just gizz, I don't care, it doesn't matter. What you, What comeys?

pH, that's way over the line. That's a very horrible word. Fine, excuse me, your precious seed. Yeah. Sir, how, if so, if you're banging a chick and it's just not happening, right, you're just like, ah, sucks, right. What do you do?

Fjelliter. Till it gets better. Because, see, I, we're just like, oh, we'll just stop having sex with it, right? But everyone's like, oh, you just fake an orgasm. I'm like, guys can't fake an orgasm though. And then everyone's like, yes, you can. And I'm, I don't know how.

Those guys that are faking orgasm. That's what I'm saying. Pat apparently does. No, I guess that's not what I did. When I was a lot, I think I've done that one time. Really? Yeah, I was bored of banging this chick and I was kind of losing it going limp.

Right, right, right. No chance of any comeys. And she said, oh, did you come? And I said, yeah. And I said, but isn't there like a yeehaw or like a noise you make when when that occurs? Yeehaw. Yeehaw?

I do, I'm more of a macho man guy so I go, oh yeah. Yeah, brother. Like that. That's all a coagin. Oh, no, that's like a, other guys do that. I'll part of them. Like are you a a Jackie O or a Maryland? It's a are you a Hulk Hogan or a macho man?

Yeah. When you unload. Not a guy so say, how do you like that 24 inch Python? Oh my God. Miss Elizabeth, it's always Miss Elizabeth that we're plowing. Well, they can't tell in a condom. Well, see, that's, that's what everyone was saying was like, oh, it only works with economy.

And you just slip it out really fast. I don't want to say that worked. Well, you know, worked, but it's like, for these guys like getting away with blueballing themselves. Well, that's why I'm confused. I'm like, why are you teaching this poor person to suck at sex A and B? Okay.

Because you know, like, they're like, oh, I did a good job. But really, you're just telling them whatever they did fucking sucked or didn't, as the case may be. How do you, because like like wouldn't the person receiver know that there's no nothing there? You'd be surprised what you can trick women into thinking.

Well, because that's usually pretty. Be like, oh, it was dry. Oh, can you say that? Is that what happens? Sometimes, sometimes nothing comes out. Really? Really? Sometimes you just kind of dehydrated, you know.

Sometimes just one little guy will crawl out. And then you fry it and eat it, right? Yeah, it's very funny. Yeah. Um, so you don't think guys can fake an orgasm? I just don't understand. Like I, I, I, I, I, I mean, if they, I don't know, if someone can explain it to me, I'm, you know, my brain cannot process how they can do that.

Because at least chicks, you can probably just like flex your muscles and be like, ooh, woo, you have. Yeah, but you can feel, you got two fingers in there. You know, you got anything in there. You can feel them going really crazy. Yeah, but, you know, you can just do kegels. Oh, you're in there. I mean, if you've gone through a lot of work.

Hey, no, no, no, my, I have a policy. I'd never fake, ever, ever. You're teaching someone to be bad at fucking. That's bad. It's not nice. Just be like, oh, it's not happening for me, sorry. I don't know. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I agree't know. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I agree with you. I agree with you. That would be weird if a guy was faking it though. Yeah, say that. Okay, let me see what else I have here. People saying soy face that also makes me rage.

Have you seen? Oh, is that the other? If you don't, if you post a picture of yourself online that also makes me rage. Have you seen? No matter. If you post a picture of yourself online and you're not, and you're not posed like a black guy in a high school football picture. Oh, you mean, what? Looking, just making a face like mad dog, like you're the angriest person in the world,

you will get 20 guys calling you soy face because you happen to be excited. I posted a video of me using a beer vending machine. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Something that I've wanted to do my entire life. And I'm floored that this exists. And it's this easy to just pop coins into the machine and then get a link to the past. You know how much I love beer as a cultural phenomenon. Of course. To access this so easily as it should be made me the happiest, one of the happiest I've ever been in my life. So my jaw has dropped.

Yeah. I posted online and I get 10 assholes, a soy face. Looking like soy face. Oh, look at the soy face. Hey, idiot, I'm happy. If you're happiness out of a machine that dispenses it for $5, yeah, I'm fucking happy. It's called just being happy.

That's soy face. I'm not reacting because a new boba fat Funko has been released. This is beer. This is one of the most important things in my life, coming to me out of a machine that costs almost nothing, that no one is in charge of. For once in my life, no one is between me and this fantasy liquid.

And for once, for one time, yes, I'm excited about it. I'm sorry that I Trit I'm sorry that I triggered your delicate sensibilities of Neat of needing to shit on everything, but every once in a while something comes along That makes you genuinely happy in life that is not a fucking commercial I'm not trying to sell you a vending machine that dispenses beer. No, actually, I'm gonna try to keep you away from it. It's all mine now. Go take your soy face shit over onto the other end of the internet where people are slapping each other

over previews. What do you think about that? I think. Well, I don't think it's your soy face. I think it's your joy face. Yeah. I think we need to bring it back to a point where men are allowed to be happy. No, no, no, no, no, I didn't say that.

Oh. Oh. Go, go, go, go ahead, please, please. No, no, just, I just, I, I think there is like the weird stigma where like dudes can't smile. I, I do, I do think there is this weird thing because like, you know, women can make all these faces, lol, lol, lol. Yeah. But it's like if a dude expresses genuine excitement, it's soy and it's just like, well, I mean. Hey, here's my new, here's my new child.

What do you guys think? What a soy face. Yeah, fucking soy face, you shithead, you meme-raping asshole. This is you, you kill, you kill culture. This is what, this is my problem with it. It's you, you don't understand the words that you just vomiting out of your mouth

because you want attention. Everything that this country has taught me is wrong with the internet and culture in America is you who just wanted to say something to get attention. Soy face makes me a rage. I don't blame you. I, too many, do you have another one of these beers, by the way?

Too many joy vampires on the internet. Thank you. I don't have here. That's a very special, that's a very special. Aiyuni, all right. Oh, that looks good. It's very good.

It's one of my favorite. Yeah, try that one. Thank you. I wanna see what you think. Oh, it's great. It's an IPA. Oh, amazing. Thank you. I wanna see what you think. Oh, it's great. It's an IPA. Oh, amazing. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Too many joy vampires. Too many joy vampires on the internet. So I did not make a soy face and or a joy face, but I posted a picture of myself. I haven't posted too many photos of myself lately. I'm just like, and I'm whatever. And I did take one.

I was like, oh, I look kinda pretty little. And I had a positive experience in Japan where I remember how I bitched about how like, no one noticed me in Japan. That one time. I feel like a fucking ghost. I feel like a fucking ghost. You fucking get it.

Remember how you shit on me and you were like, oh, you fucking woman this hell all men feel. Which you know what, you weren't wrong to think. You were not wrong. But now you know exactly you weren't wrong to think. You were not wrong, but now you know exactly it's different. It's like a whole nother level of nobody, you're nobody. Right? You are a ghost, right?

Well, I don't know why. I think maybe it's just because I was wearing heels, because there's gorgeous, gorgeous people everywhere. Tokyo is beautiful. And people asked me if I was a model, like three times in one hour. And I was like, look at me, who to do. So I did a humble brag, I guess. Like, I guess, I don't know.

You gotta fix for that attention and you needed more. No, I was just, I was feeling myself. I had a hard year, I thought, fuck it. Like, I feel pretty. You had a hard year. Oh, hard year. What's wrong? What did you do? You messed up a bunch of pine classes? No, no, it's a very long story.

I had a horrible, horrible year. I'm gonna forget 2019. But I was... You sum it up. That's a pretty big. I honestly can't. It's bad. Yeah. Yeah. Did you give a sabre truck? You want musks?

Oh no. I wish. Are you gonna get one? No. Why not? Because it looks like shit and it's stupid. Oh, I think it's kinda cool. Do you ever had a truck before?

Yeah, I used to have a green Ford pickup. Oh, okay. I loved it. It just died last week. My brother killed it because he's an idiot. I wanna know more about your hard year. I know. I can't.

Okay. I wish I could, but I can't. Maybe some other time. But so I found myself on the humble brag subreddit and people were like, I can't believe she would relay this positive story about herself. Let me see what you posted. Let's see. You're gonna, I got a damn it. Why don't I bring this up?

Hold on. I see it. All right, give me a second. Sorry. I've got some advice too. For me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's just a picture. Oh my God, peach. This is a yikes, someone said. So you posted the selfie of yourself? Yeah, I was feeling pretty. This is extremely hot. How many pictures did you take before you got this one? Only three.

Three? Hmm. Okay. I think they should list that. Right? Why? We fairness in advertising. What? Why? Fairness in advertising. What? Why?

I mean, it's a picture. I mean, people move, you know, it's just a moment in time. This is what you posted. Forgive me for my final flex of 2019, but no one ever gives me a second glance in Japan. Yet somehow, in less than an hour,

three separate people asked if I was a model, and they were somehow serious. So excuse me as I huff my own farts. Oh my God. See? You put that on the internet. Yeah, for fun. All of that stuff?

Why? That was funny. I mean, forgive me for my final flex. Yeah, I was like, I was feeling fancy. Give me that. You can give me back. No, hold on, I gotta read it slower. No, no, no, no.

No one ever gives me a second glance in Japan. Give it back. Less than an hour, three people have asked me if I was a model. Why did you say that part though? Because it's true and it made me feel pretty. I was like, look at me, la la la. Because no one, I've never been called a model before. I thought it was fun.

Why did you want to tell people about that though? Because, why did you want to show people you had a beer huh? Fuckhead. Fucking go have your beer and make your soy face then. I'm taking back my joy face comment. It's now no longer positive. You're a douchebag, give me my phone bag. Well, it just seemed like three separate people asked if I was a model.

It looks like you're asking people to tell you that you look like a model. It looks like you're asking people to validate those three people. No I don't need anyone to validate beer. I know that it's great. That's true But I just thought it was interesting. It's like something positive happened to me and I was like, oh yay That's exciting. Yeah, like I mean, you know you get married you get engaged something nice I told you your model I'm a fucking ugly weirdo looking at skeleton porn. Yeah.

And I've been working out. I was like, ooh, look at me, Trallala. I just think- I think you could have just said, this is a very roundabout way to get a compliment from the internet. I swear to fucking God, it's just a picture of me where I'm like, oh, I had a positive thing.

Yee-ha, look at me, I'm flexing. Yay. Why? Give me more positive things. Give me more positive things. Is that, I mean, that's what you're saying there, right? Wait, I don't understand. You're asking for more positive things to be said to you.

No, I was just like, hooray. And like, I don't know. I don't know what to expect out of comments. I just thought it was, Well, what did you get? Oh, people are like, yes, queen. And, you know, shit know shit like that I guess and then you got made fun of unread it and then I got made fun of unread it for I guess humble bragging but they weren't even funny about it. No, no, it was a shame. It was a shame. Yeah, they were earlier. It was a shame. What else makes me a rage here that I got the Uber Uber cancellation fees

Yeah, the Uber, Uber cancellation fees, five bucks, and Uber cancellation fees. That's not enough. It's that if you go on the thing and request a refund for your fee, try it, and it will, it gives you some message like, are you sure you wanna do this? And then it gives you the name of the driver needs this money.

Look at me, he really said. Yeah, it says, are you sure you wanna do this by doing this, you're taking money away from the name of the driver. That's real? Yes. It doesn't just say, okay, it's filed. It says we're taking money away from this guy

who needs it to eat. No. Yes, it has a whole story about getting your money back. When did that start happening? I don't know. That's bullshit. It happens. It's real.

I can't, I can't sell an Uber maybe like, five, six days ago in Montreal and that did not occur. There's no way. Did you request the fee? Go into the help app and request a refund of the fee and it will tell you, are you sure you want to do this because your driver needs this money to live? Basically, what the fuck? And it's wife has cancer and he needs this money.

Oh my God. It's true. God. It's true. It's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. Okay, let me get to some of this advice. This is pretty good stuff. I don't have voice mail today because we don't even, I think I fucked up the video too.

Of course. This is from Zach. Hey, Dick Hachon. Not here. Hey, studio guests. I'll try to keep this shit show brief. It's not. Somehow I can always be briefed down. Hey studio guests, I'll try to keep this shit show brief. It's not. Somehow I can always be briefed down.

I guess that's the problem though. If people can finally figure out what the brief version of their question is, then it's already answered. I'm in my mid-twenties, and recently a friend of mine, early-twenties, has been exhibiting some odd behaviors that can only be described as obvious signs that she's into me. What do you think that might be already? Well, what are the odd behaviors that she's in them? You know, talking about skeleton. No, probably like touching him, like, and this is a physical contact boom, got it. Laughing at all of his jokes.

On this very physical contact boom got it laughing at all of his jokes Lot of eye contact next to me in group settings asking me if I wanted kids whoa Telling me that I drive her car better than her boyfriend Yeah, I would be pretty fucking pissed if I found out my girlfriend told a guy I drove her car better than me What's a good one? And when we went to some haunted house for her birthday, she spent a lot of time holding on to my arm because it was cold. She's either into him or she thinks he's gay.

Really? Yeah. You think that's okay to do with a gay guy? If you have a boyfriend, grab onto their arms. I mean, if you're scared in a haunted house, I mean, it's obviously she trusts this person most. I mean, maybe she does think of him as just a friend, but I suspect with the whole, like, do you wanna have kids, shit, that's, I think she's in.

If I see you holding a guy's arm, you better have a better excuse than he's gay. Because that's not gonna fly. This he's gay shit, he doesn't work with me, does he still have a dick? Oh, yeah. That's, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait,

what are you saying? I don't know, I see, the, he's my gay friend, doesn't really fly with me. Oh, of course we get naked and sleep together. Okay, that's, shower together,

he's gay, he's not, it's like, yeah, well, we don't really, we don't really know what gay is. I'm eating fish semen over here. So we were talking about arm touching. And now you're talking about the fish blow job again. It's the same.

Why do you keep bringing that up? Are you trying to tell us something? Yeah, she moved from the other side of the country to be with him a year and a half ago. And is mostly isolated from anyone besides him and his family who owns all of the houses around the one they live in. What the hell?

Wow, stay in some real estate barons. Also, he's a cop. Ooh, boy. Which makes our interactions incredibly awkward. From what I hear from her, he's a lazy, a cratom addicted man child. Mm-hmm. It's a cratum, that's a, isn't that a real serious drug?

Cratum? I don't know, I'm never. It's pretty intense. So I can tell you right now, he is her plan B. Who was her plan B? The guy writing this. The guy writing this, yeah, that's plan B. Okay, let's see.

Yeah, excuse me, keep going, keep going. Cratum addicted manchild, so a typical cop, who can't do anything himself and relies entirely on her for anything resembling effort. She's constantly complaining about his shitty behaviors, but constantly justifying them for him. Now, last time I saw her, she brought up how if she needed to, she could move out on her own and even went so far as to ask me how much it would cost to room with me in my spared bedroom.

Jesus Christ. What a nightmare. Constantly putting up with this shit. The signs are there, that there's something there, but the question is, what do I do to push things in the right direction without getting a pissed off cop taking my drugs and kicking my ass? More concerned about the former, he apparently has the pain tolerance of a toddler. So I think I'll be okay in the latter.

I await your sage advice while sipping quality brever, breverge is out of my high quality pint glasses. Oh wait, I don't have those. Very funny. On the off chance, he's a dickhead. This is my first email to the show and last email I'll probably ever send. Okay. Do you think he's his plan

plan B? I think he is the plan B. I think she is into him. But his question is actually in regards to how to make it happen. I mean, I think that Zach, what does he say his name was? He didn't say so we'll call him Zach. Okay. I think he is sitting on a lot of leverage. She will never leave this guy, because do you hear the money part? Yeah, I mean. Family owns a ton of houses. Mm. But she did say, hey, could I eventually move in with you?

So she has an exit plan. Did you mean that shit? There is an exit plan there. I mean, that, then? Plan? Well, like a, like a, like a man. This is an Japanese woman, we're talking about. This is a regular plan there. I mean that. Well, like, like, like, like, like a Japanese woman, we're tired. This is a regular woman that we're talking about. There's not a plan B. She's trying to think like, well, if I need to, if it gets too much, I think women who date cops want a cop. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, one, they

like the uniform. I just don't want to pick up the, I don't want to pick up your whispers. No, no, no, no, no problem. Um, are you having fun? Yeah, I am having fun. Good. I really love it here. I know.

I don't want to go home. I know. I'm just get absorbed back into being fat and loud and obnoxious. I know. So the reason I asked actually being fat and loud and obnoxious. I know. So the reason I asked actually about your digestion is because some people notice that they don't fart here. They just don't fart. I've been doing that.

Like farting or not farting. Farting. Okay. Why do they not fart? I don't know. That's what I'm not that I do, of course, but I've noticed my digestion is easier here for some reason. I don't know why that is. I really wanna get to the bottom of the skeleton thing.

Do other people like skeletons? Yes. Yes, in fact, I'm part of several discords in which we exchange photos of skeletons. And then we just, and then like someone opposed to skeleton and we're just like, nice. Thank you for the Skellyboy. But yeah, I don't know what it is.

I keep getting asked and my friend Eli, he's an artist and he's like, is it the shapes? Is it, and I think it is. I just think that the shapes, beautiful. I think the color is pretty. I think the idea that it's humanoid. Well, I mean, it's human, but I- It's probably like a dog.

You tracked it to dog somehow. No, no. Oh, that's odd. That's weird, but a little child skeleton. It's not, no, it's Sans Undertale for God's sake. Okay. It's not a child. He's short.

Papyrus though is my favorite. He's the super tall one. And I don't even like tall guys, but I like Papyrus a lot. This is very, this is so embarrassing to admit on the Dictionary. But here we are. What are the other people say they like about skeletons porn?

Uh, I don't, you know, I've never really, I don't know, but I mean, I could show you my Twitter, like it's crazy, like people post, they'll draw pictures of them doing things, not even just always sexual, but sometimes just like sitting there and it's so cute. And I collect so much. A girl looked at my phone back in August.

She's like, hey, I'm gonna take these pictures of you. And I was like, oh, thank you. And then she went through my fucking pictures like in a moment. And she goes, why is there so much, like, where are there so many pictures of these skeletons fucking? And I'm like, I'm really in Halloween.

I'm prepping. Don't worry about it. And it was so, I just met her. It was horrible. All right. Do you have any advice for this guy? I don't think, I don't think this chick is ever leaving a cop. I don't think it's worth it.

It was like a real estate baron. Fuck her and get leverage on her for God's sake. Leverage, what do you mean? Well, you think you think this guy's going to take kindly to his girlfriend wrapping his arm around getting all arm cozy with this dude when it's cold. I think he'll lose his fucking mind to be honest. I think you got to watch out. I think this is her. You're you're a game. You're a game to her. This is like reality TV wasn't cutting it for me. So I'm gonna grab some people and create some episodes

of Crate Tom Cop. Oh my God. The real Crate Tom Cop's of whatever, of Crate Tom County that he's involved in. This is, you're about to be a character on a weird reality television show broadcast to an audience of one lunatic. I just think he needs, I think he needs to get out.

She's not worth it. I agree. I never, then never, look, get out. Never works. Nobody ever gets out. Why not? Because they just don't. Why?

If the option of getting out was there, it wouldn't be a six paragraph email. Oh, so he, oh yeah. So he's like super, super, super like. Like everybody likes giving the get out advice, but no one ever does it. It's never helpful. So he wants her to move across the country for him. I mean, is he ready for that?

That's a pretty big commitment. No one wants that either. So he only wants to stick his dick in there. Yes. Well, then just, and then So he only wants to stick his dick in there. Yes. Well, then just, and then be done with it. Stick your dick in. I don't advocate for cheating on a chick. Listen to me, listen to me, Zach, Zach,

stick your dick in and get it out of your system and everything you feel for her will be gone. The second you get it in there. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. This is true of every single relationship on Earth that has happened since the beginning of time.

Get it in there. Everything that you're thinking is an illusion in your brain. Get it in there. Blow it in her. Blow your fish, see him in her and then be done with it and then block her immediately. Wait a minute. See him in aren't is not feelings. You can't just come your feelings into someone and be like, oh, I don't care about her anymore.

Yes, you can, that's how it, that's the only way it works. No. Otherwise, you will be feeling about her for the rest of your life. You've got to get it in there, get it in there and be done with it. That's horrible. Oh, you're good, no, you're fine, you're fine. That's horrible, what's your advice? Get it in there as quickly as possible. As quickly as possible.

I mean, if you get out of your sister's relationship or just to fuck, because if you just want to fuck them, be like, hey, do you want to fuck? Just ask her. Of course you want to fuck. Well, then fuck her. But I mean, I don't advocate for that, but I mean, if that's all he wants, why are you blaming you don't advocate for that? Because it's cheating. Not for him. Well, but I mean, come on. I don't know. I think I think it's cheating not for him. Well, but I mean, come on. I don't know. I think I think I think it's a little tasteless. Beyond tasteless perhaps even to, you know, how do you think all what do you mean? You don't advocate for cheating.

I everybody's fucking. Everybody's fucking all over the place. All the time everybody's fucking. There is part of this whole porn ban is this weird, weird, is this weird denial that there is such a thing as like traditional relationships where people aren't banging each other wholesale all the time and it's just complete bullshit. Yeah. Like every time I see somebody coming with, well, you know, this is really the decay

of morality It's like are you fucking kidding me? Everybody's fucking each other like monkeys all the fucking time and everything we have is built around that one Rule that you can't count on anybody to just go fuck crazy. Oh men women Teenagers everybody banging all day every day endeavoring to bang multiple other people too. Are you guys fucking kidding me? You think the, you think the Bible's gonna stop that? I don't fucking think so. I've read it. It's not that, it's not that good of an argument.

What do you think about that? I don't know what kind of world you live in, where everybody's fucking everybody all the time, always, all the time. Yes. Really? Yeah. Am I just naive? I think you wanna believe in goodness of people,

but this just does not exist. I don't think so anyway. All right, do you wanna do more advice? That's depressing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see this one. I love this, yeah, let's keep going. K-Dick, I could really use your advice on something.

Ever since losing my sister, I've been a bit of a bit of fuck whenever people have something that makes them happy. Like if you have a beer vending machine and you're excited about it, they'll come online and say, oh, what a soy face. Like what is acceptable to make this face to those guys?

Oh, I just fucked the entire Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Soy face. You fucked some barons real estate barons girlfriend, I guess, or no cop or whatever. What? So I'm hold on, hold on. So what's, what's, sorry, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, what, what's, what's, what, what's, what, what, what, what to let things go is when I'm drunk. Any advice on just how to let things go and be happier without the sauce? Oh my God, this guy wants everything. That's why we invented heaven, man, to be happier all the time without getting drunk.

That's definitely depression, like 10,000%. I mean, what he's describing is pretty normal. What? Finding joy in anything without drinking liquor. You think that's, and you medically licensed to declare that depression? Well, no, no, of course, I said it sounds like depression. Sounds like it. The idea that he does not find joy in what other people find, he doesn't find any joy after he lost his sister, that sounds like classic, you know, like grief. Classic grief.

So I'm unhappy with things that generally bring people joy, like some kind of year round Grinch. The only time I'm really able to let things go is when I'm drunk, any advice, I'm just how to let things go and be happier. Meditation. Do you meditate? You know what I've started?

Really? Yeah, I know. It's stupid and it makes me feel weird, but it actually is really relaxing. I was shocked. What do you do? It depends. Sometimes I will just put on my soundproof headphones and just sit there and just breathe and try to completely quiet my thoughts.

It's really relaxing. It helps me sleep. You say a mantra. God no, I think that's stupid. No, I started doing that. Really? Saying a mantra. Yeah, what's your mantra? You're not supposed to say it.

You're not supposed to ever say it. It says really specifically, don't say it. But you sit there and say it for 15 minutes. And then you open your eyes again and you're supposed to feel great. Yeah, I think it's really relaxing. I also sometimes I'll put on like a stupid thing from YouTube and be like, I want to fucking relax or whatever. And I'll just listen to some British guy tell me to imagine myself walking down a fucking country road or something. And it's quite relaxing. I was shocked. I used to think it was so fucking stupid. But it's really relaxing and kind of fun. So I think this guy needs to get into youth sports. Youth sports? Yeah. That seems to I think this guy needs to get into youth sports. Youth sports?

Yeah, that seems to be a really good way to get out anger on people who can't do anything about. Be a coach and just be a financial. Oh, really? Cause no one knows where those refs come from. Yeah, where's sick people? Do you have you ever met a ref? No.

In real life? No. I have never met. They're grown in a lab. I have never met. They're grown in a lab. I have never met someone who would, I have met every single occupation I think I've met in the wild except for I'm a youth sports referee. Yeah. Because, yeah.

Yeah, I'm the kind of stuff. I'm the kind of stuff. I think then you can really hammer people, get out the loss of your sister. Does that mean dead or do you think she just lost her like it at the mall or something like that? I think I think she has passed on. Yes. Because then you can save it all. You can save it all for one day. Like you can be a nice guy during six days of the week. And then the day that you're a ref, you can go and be

a total prick and have ultimate control over people who are bad. Yeah. Like the parents who go to the games are bad, bad people. Yeah. The ones who are really into, like you just call balls, call strikes that aren't strikes. Yeah. Call them out, just like, how are you safe? I'm kind of f**k it, he's out. You know what, that's actually not a bad idea.

I think you can. I don't hate it. And it doesn't hurt anyone, because it's just a stupid game. Yeah. And everyone hates the refs already. That's healthy to imbuicense of hatred over authority at a young age. Be it, get involved in youth sports at the authority.

There you go. Level. Okay, here's another one. Here's another doozy. Yeah. Dear Dick, diagnosed with herpes need dating advice. Okay. Dear Dick, I need your patented wisdom

to help me through a trying situation. I recently found out I have genital herpes and it has done a number on my overall happiness and confidence in the dating scene. Wow, right back on the horse, if I got herpes, I think I would kill myself. Oh, God. I mean. I'm not joking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's it's the good. I've never had any symptoms. And according to my doctor and the research I've done online, well, why even mention the doctor then? A great deal of people who have this disease, I think they should stop calling herpes a disease. Wait, wait, wait, wait, he's never,

how does he know if he has it? I thought that, like, that was one of the things is that a thing happens, like, you see it or something. How does he know if he has it? Hmm, maybe he'll explain why. Let's see. I've never had any symptoms, and according to my doctor and the research I've done online,

a great deal of people who have this disease have never had symptoms either and aren't even aware they are infected. Well, I think he's, okay, I've done a lot of these advice emails, so I know what they are thinking in advance. I know what they want to hear in advance. I don't know, maybe this is just like a gift that I have. Yeah. Uh, he's setting the found, he's setting the stage for people have it more than they think, right?

So it doesn't matter if I say it because they probably, most people, pretty much everyone probably already has it, right? Uh, one statistic I saw even said that figure is around 90%. Call it, and call it. So 90% of people have hurt piece. Okay. I only bothered to get checked out because my bitch of an ex-girlfriend finally confessed

to having it after four months of refusing to have intercourse. Wow, offering only blow jobs and other sex acts instead, but that's a different story. I'm not exactly a stud, but I'm no necobird either. But I nevertheless feel that this is a deal breaker that will greatly limit my ability to get pussy in the future. Given the mystery surrounding this disease, I don't think there's a mystery around it. Do you think I should just fuck around as normal and play dumb if a future partner gets to No, absolutely not. He's gonna do it anyway though. That's horrible. That's monstrous. Anyway, that's monstrous. No. No, like it's not illegal in California to even if you have HIV, did not say it.

Fucking, I don't know, put it on your dating profile or something, I don't know. Like, yeah, but it limits how many hot girls he can fuck if he puts, that he has herpes on it. How does that help him? I don't know, there's women have herpes, men have herpes. That guy has herpes. He'll find someone who has herpes

and or is fine with possibly getting herpes, I assume. Like, is it like a single child, like if you're a single mom, you don't put the child on your profile, you wait until like the third date when you hooked on it. Yeah, but you can't, well, no, you can't infect someone with a child. No, what if you can only infect someone with a child. No, you can only infect someone with a child.

No, but You got to disclose that that's I want date on what date do you think you should disclose that you have herpes? It's good. We've been dating for four years. I haven't told my girlfriend. We have I have herpes. I Mean, that's a good question. I guess I guess it will probably by the second or third, like max, maximum, maximum. But before the fuck in the card, should you joke about it?

You should, oh, no, this way you should. You joke about it. You make it seem like a joke. So that later when it turns out you actually do have herpes, you say, well, yeah, I told you, and they say, well, I thought you were joking when you said it. Because you said, you say like,

it's not like I have her. It's not like I totally have herpes. Like it's all over the place. It's not the same. Like moving with Richard Pryor. The alternative is a boring sex life with no blow jobs and sex with a condom only. If a future partner does find out they have it, it would be impossible to peel back the

layers and find out who gave it to whom since it's always a possibility that they got it from someone else and just didn't develop symptoms until later. That person sounds like a sociopath. That's horrible. What's the most sociopathic about that? Planning out the deception of potentially giving someone something like herpies. That's crazy. What do you think? Just steer the course? I can't imagine how shitty it would be to never have unprotected sex again.

And herpies is really not that big of a deal. You know, good symptoms. It's just a mildly annoying rash and the worst part of it is the social stigma. No, it's not. Thanks, stick and go fuck yourself. Okay. So what should this guy do? Do you think?

I think you just got to herp it up. All the herpy people got to get together and just crisscross their herpes so that every part of them... There's gotta be like a dating site for people who have herpes. I don't know herpes Yeah, things Like what if there's a bunch of duds on there That he doesn't want a bang. Well, I I don't know but you can't just not tell disclose any kind of He's going to be a credible status. I know I know I know I know so what's the best way for him to do it, do you think? If you're gonna be a creepy douchebag,

at least wrap it up. Don't be a fucking creepo. It's kind of sad. Yeah, they do, but go fuck yourself. You can't just rub your rashi dick on someone's parts. You can't do that. It's a mildly annoying rash, and the worst part of it is the social stigma.

That's what he says. Yeah, but I mean, don't do that to other people. Don't, I mean, if he's sitting there going, I swear it's not so bad. I mean, he's trying a little too hard. One statistic I saw even said that the figure is around 90% who are unaware that they have it. I read it was 100%. Oh my God.

The future is herpes. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. 90% is the future is a world riddled with herpes. So don't even, you are actually doing people a favor, letting them get out in front of coping with herpes, which is only a mildly annoying rash. It's not even serious at all.

And the worst thing is the social stigma. So the best thing you can do is get more people onto the herpetrain as quickly as possible. The bug catcher thing. Do you remember that? Yeah, I think that was a myth though. Okay, guys who would, no, I swear to God, I saw like some documentary

about it once. I don't think that was a myth. I don't think it was common, but maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. But I know. Was there people into being like eaten and digested? There's got to be people into getting AIDS from somebody, right? I mean, I like skeletons, so I guess. Yeah, that's true.

What if a skeleton had herpes? Well, no, I mean, I wouldn't. No. Let's see, this last one, I just wanna update you. I'm the guy who was texting his ex a shit ton. It's been three weeks since I sent the email and I've been hitting the gym nonstop, hooked up with two random chicks.

Oh, wow. And no longer have any interest in my ex. I know this advice is given nonstop, but depressed guys, especially ones who are depressed over an ex, gotta work out their misspelled, their pent-up emotions. I know I was acting like a woman for a while until I dragged myself to the gym

and forced myself to work out until I was so tired. I realized my depression with my ex is retarded. I realized, yeah, we had a great time together, but I can have a great time with any girl. And if she was the one, oh my God, we would have worked out that shit way before the breakup. So if this makes the show,

so if this makes the show, remind all the depressed effslers out there to work out nonstop until they get rid of the depression. What do you think about that? I actually agree with that. I think that I'm not saying that, oh, working out will cure your depression, but I mean, the endorphins and all that shit,

working out will absolutely help alleviate a lot of symptoms of depression, especially grief over losing a loved one or. Or a sister, you think you should go to the gym? Honestly, honestly, yeah, I don't think you'll clear it up for God's sake, but. It's for its man. Yes, but you.

Look, at least you don't have herpes. Da, guh. You may have lost a sister, but you don't have herpes. That's true. Uh, okay, Peach, what makes you a rage? Oh shit. Well, the, that's so, uh.

You can think about it. Hmm. I think we have another, we have some time left in this immaculate studio that, I mean, I was gonna, I was actually gonna say that Humble Bragg read it thing. Joy vampires. Joy vampires. But I mean, that's such a generic thing, I think. But it really is, it's like, when people are sad and depressed and they see someone else

exuding joy, having a great time or feeling like, oh, I fucking look attractive. Like, they just gotta suck it out of, just suck it out because they're sad inside. You know what it is for me? It's that they don't understand the meme that they're using. Yeah, they don't. You don't, that's not the right way. I have to, like, I need a governing body to intervene

and say that is not the correct usage of what you're, that's not the soy phase, the critical component you're missing is that there is not, it's famed excitement. That's what you're missing. You gotta look for the deadness in the eyes. That's the giveaway. Because your eyes are sparkling, your hair. With liquor. Yeah. You're always blowing gently in the wind. I mean, that's your joyous. You're like a little precious cherub, right? But, you know, but now do a soy face.

Do it right now. There. See, look how dead your eyes are. There, that's, that's soy. That's soy, and then there's joy. It's completely different. Have you seen the last Mandalorian? Have you seen Baby Yoda get punched? What? Yeah. Three times. Wait, wait, hold you seen Baby Yoda get punched? What?

Yeah, three times. Wait, wait, hold on, it's Baby Yoda gets punched by a stormtrooper, like a full on wind up punch. I don't know how they put that in on Disney. I don't know how they put that on TV. That thing is like this big. I know. That's horrible.

I know. All right, I wanna get these guys in to do. Thank you guys for coming Thank you. Thank you for organizing this studio Get up you guys got to get up here and give me rage with whatever you got for the last last of the year Probably will come out the first of the year, but please please get over here. Yes hop out peach get over here and What yeah, whatever you got go in order Give me your oh, yeah, give me your name and peach play some drums for us while you're over there Yeah, whatever you got, go in order. Give me your name and pitch play some drums for us while you're all over there.

You know what's up, I'm Revin. Revin. And you live where? I live in Tokyo now. I'm originally from the Netherlands. Oh wow. Okay. Actually, the only person in the Netherlands who's never smoked weed.

Really? Yeah. All right. Is that what makes you rich? No. You've never smoked wheat. Really? Yeah. All right. Is that what makes you rich? No. You've never smoked wheat, why? It's, I don't know, it's just a normal thing in Netherlands, I guess, so it's never come up.

Have you drank? Yeah, yeah. You've drank, okay. You're not missing anything. I hate wheat either. Oh my God, peach. More attention, drink, peach. Okay.

What makes you rich, Raymond? Sort of goes along with the previous one is, like people who constantly have to make the most low-hanging fruit jokes all the time. Like people who always have to say, like, that's what she said. And like lately in my office, the Elon Musk simulation meme has been going around, so everyone is constantly saying exit game, exit game,

after everything. What's exit game? Like they think they're in a simulation. So they're like, oh, I want to kill myself. So yeah, it's so fucking intel. No one in human history has ever thought of the idea that this is all just an alternate reality based on nothing. It's just you throw a computer on it

and all the sudden everyone is play though. Go, wow, of course, it's a simulation. Bitch, you don't, you barely know how to use Google Maps. You're telling me what a simulation is. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm already frustrated because everyone's incompetent around me so that they're just constantly yammering or like all day. Yeah. Doesn't help. Yeah. All right. Get out of here. That's a good one. It's a low hanging fruit. It's reddit. Reddit will make you want to kill people.

If it were creative or funny, I would love it. I think roasts are great. But. Well, it's the joke. It's the top joke that gets upvoted and then somebody just agreeing to it. It's like being at a PTA eventoted and then somebody just agreeing to it. It's like being at a PTA event. It's like watching a bunch of parents congratulating each other for having the student of the month.

It's so sick and weird. Okay, who's next? Get up here. Get up here. Tell us your name. And what do you like about Japan? Am I right in saying that Japan is so much better than America? It's the best country in the world.

Like you said, beer, venue machines, but it's trying big teddy hen tie. It's got it all. Yeah, it really does. Okay, give us the, tell us your name, what makes you rich. I'm Nathan, I'm from UK, I'm in Japan back six years. My rage is McDonald's shaming.

Okay, get closer to that mic so I can get everything. I'm not professional. No, no, you fine. So McDonald's shaming, like people act shaming, like, people act as if, like some people act as if McDonald's is beneath them. Yeah. Like they're too good for McDonald's. Now fuck you, you're not.

McDonald's is too good for you. Yeah, it's the problem. You're an animal that eats food. You're not too good for food. Yeah. Fuck you. They've got the best fries, the best coke, the best nuggets, and okay, the burgers are so, so,

but that's a pretty good score for like a free-doraburger. Yeah, you know. It's your system is not capable to handle how delicious and good for you it is, so you turn into a big fat slob. That's not the problem with the food, that's the problem with you. Right? Right, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. The fuck, um, it's food. Eat the food. What do you recommend doing all of them in Japan?

I recommend you go to Golden Guy. It's here in Shinjuku. It's like a series of other ways. With all these tiny little bars. You just hop around all night until like five, six a.m. in the morning. It's fucking amazing. You'll meet the best things of your life there. What's it called? Golden Guy. Golden Guy? Yeah. Golden Guy. It's right here in You'll meet the best things of your life there. What's it called? A golden guy.

Golden guy. Yeah. Golden guy. It's right here in the city in the Shinjuku. We last night we went to Kyoto and it was like, it was like going from a storage container to a storage container for the bars. It was, it was so, it was surreal to go to these like, it felt like ready player one where it's just storage. It's the size of storage storage container I believe that they're probably actually were just storage containers under it but they were decked out on the inside it was one person running their own bar all ex all very heavily themed. Yeah that sounds like golden guy sounds like good time.

Yeah but it was dead. That was a thing that was odd it was there was so many people running these bars that they're bars that they built out, but it was still in each one, there might be one or two people. It was like, oh man, this is very weird. It's a shame, it's the time of year, it's the end of the year, everyone's gone home.

That's probably why. It's too bad. What's been the weirdest shit you've seen here in Japan? The weirdest shit? The weirdest shit is someone's shitting in the train station. In the train station? In the train station. Like in the toilet, like on the platform. What did they do that? Diarrhea. I guess I don't know. But there's everyone else's problem. That was pretty weird. I've never seen that before. I've never seen diarrhea before. I've had it, but I've never seen it.

What was the guy? What was the guy? Oh. That's too bad. That's too bad. How old was she? I would say 40s. Not a lot of love then. 25 year old woman with diarrhea in the middle of a train station will have about 10 guys ripping their clothes off to give her a shield

but 40 year old-old woman, kind of just push her off. She's got a few embarrassed glances and then like, I shuffled away, like, get the fuck out of here. That's a shame. Okay, get out of here. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming.

Who's next? Get up here. What is your name, sir? I am Jacob. Jacob, how you doing? I'm doing great, Dick. Thanks for coming to Tokyo. Happy your day.

It's great. It's forever changed my perception of America. I hate it now. There's a reason I left and there's a reason I stay. I wish we would have lost World War II. I provided the right people got control of it. Where do you live now? I'm in Tokyo.

You're in Tokyo. Okay. What's the weirdest thing? Did you see any kind of diarrhea? I've seen something similar. I live not too're in Tokyo. Okay. What's the weirdest thing? Did you see any kind of diarrhea? I've seen something similar. I lived not too far from here. I did see a 50, 60 year old guy to a clock in the morning. I'm sorry.

I'm not a professional obviously. I've seen a 50, 60 year old guy at two in the morning, last train, walking along my home platform and just throwing up. Throwing up. And he was like, not my problem. I just throwing up. Throwing up. Throwing up all over the place. And he was like, not my problem. I mean, he just got them going. OK, what makes you rich?

First, can I give a shout out to my boy, Addison, who is in the city of failure with you. He's a time restaurant, awesome guy. And also our good friend, Tokyo Dicke, Nick Tanner. He's been trying to meet you. He flew to Australia during that is uh... he's been trying to to meet you uh... he flew to australia during that and uh... and now the bottle yeah and i'm not going to be a lot of also uh... he's now of his in his in laws in a different country so

shout out to addison and nick just wanted to get that out of you blue and nick shabby here for your own eyes so uh... my rage is uh... doing nothing wrong in appearing like a jackass. Okay. So let me explain. So in the United States, if you go to a 7-11,

and normally you walk to the right. Now in Japan, you walk to the left, but as you walk to the right. And you go to the store, you open the door, you go in, you buy your soda, your chips, or whatever, you put for them, and then you go to the right, and you hit up against the door.

Okay, yeah. Because the clerk was too lazy in the morning to open both doors. So you kind of look like a jackass who can't open the door. When really you were serving all social norms and staying to the right and you hit yourself on the door. So that's my right. Yeah.

I got told by an old Japanese guy. First of all, you know, I've interesting that I've learned since being here. There's only six Japanese guy. First of all, you know, I'm interesting that I've learned since being here. There's only six Japanese men, pretty much. Like the hey Hachi guy, Mr. Miyagi, like there's only six guys and you see them over in the handsome guy.

Like there's real, and you really, you have seen, if you've watched a movie from the 80s about Japan, you have seen all of them. I don't think that's racist either. But I was walking, we were walking out of a bookstore or something that I was very distracted by that big-titty book that I saw. And this Japanese guy stopped in the middle of the walkway and raised his cane and just motioned it to the left.

Or we were, you know, motioned it, he motioned it to the right. Like we were just, he was pointing at you, to see you pointing it at me. And just like a drum major, whooshed like Fantasia that way. It was this man, all addressed in all blue with the orange baton? No, no, he was just a guy.

He was just a guy doing it was just a guy doing it. Just a guy doing it for fun. I moved, I moved instantly. And you listened. Oh fuck yeah. Japan is already having a calming effect on you. Imagine somebody did that in Los Angeles, what would you say?

I would kick his ass. Exactly. If somebody, no one would ever think to do that in LA. Yeah, anyway, thank you. Thank you. All right. Thank you for coming. Last but not least, come on out here, man. Thank you guys for the liquor, too. It's been a long day. What is your name, my friend? Campbell.

Campbell. All right. Get on the microphone. It's all everybody then. You can hold it like it's a Can you believe that guy? He is gonna go, he is gonna go. He's rooting for everyone. That guy's why we need to use condoms. Okay, what do you got for, where are you from, first of all? Australia. Are you living Australia? No, I live here. You live here.

I've been here for 10 years. Wow, 10 years. Yeah, but I'm from Australia originally. So what's it like after 10 years? Are you still the ghost to these people? I'm not sure. I'm not sure.? 10 years. But I'm wow 10 years. Yeah, but I'm from Australia originally. So what's it like after 10 years? Are you still a ghost to these people? Yeah, unless I'm doing something really weird. Like what? If I wear anything colorful, anything other than a suit. The Nitei eyeball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on with this guy?

Yeah, exactly. So I'm pretty handsome guy. Do you get attention from women here? Actually, when Peach said that she never got compliments, I thought that was funny, because I do. Because you do? Yeah, because I'm so sorry, it's not. I generally think it's shallow, but yeah, you know, they're like, oh, yeah, you look so nice.

It's a Oshade. Oh, Oshade. The women say that. Your couples from women. Oh, all right, all right. Not from men. Wow. I don't know.

Oshade, what does that mean? Fashionable. Stylish. Oh yeah, you do dress, you do dress nice. That's one of the big ones. All right. So what else after living here for 10 years, can you tell people, how do we make the US more like Japan?

Oh, heated toilets. Yeah, I would bring in the toilets. I was first the trains that run on time. Yeah, man, I can't believe how cool that train is. How much money we've just pissed the way on everything. We know they're privatized. They belong to companies. Yeah.

So, I don't know, in Australia, we have them, they're all owned by the government, and they're all half-nall-light. Yeah. So, I don't know. It's the people. Yeah. Like, it's just, if I think of Americans,

I think of American people, I think there's just no fucking way you guys could do this. You're too fucking fat and retarded. Like you're too fat and stupid. I have never, I have not seen anybody in Japan fucking waddle their way into anything. They come in, they sit there, like it's like, oh, this is what God intended when he made a human being.

Not these monstrous, monstrous behemoths. Like I feel fat as shit here. There's this footage you can find online where Japanese people have filmed foreigners acting like foreigners. Yeah. Like there's one guy recently who came into a Starbucks like playing music through his phone. Oh, really loudly.

Yeah. And it's like that everybody hears about that sort of thing. Yeah. And it looks bad for all of us. It's crazy. It's absolutely true and we are, we are bucked. Yeah. I have had to dial down my attention seeking from like a normal level of 10,000 that you find

in America from number zero, one, two. Everyone notices everything here. Yeah. So you're always, you just naturally fall back. Oh geez, I don't want to be noticed so much. Okay, what makes you, Ridge? What makes me, Ridge, is anybody who is telling a story where they're the hero, where it's just like,

you know, there's no way you came out that good. Now they say something like, oh, yeah, like my ex-boss, I ran into my ex-boss and he said, where are you working now? And I said, I'm not going to tell you. And then he looked at me like he was shocked. He really, I think he took that home. You know, like any sort of story where you're coming out as a hero where the other person was completely knocked over. Yeah. Because I don't think I've ever been knocked over by somebody. I don't think ever in my life has anyone said anything

where it's like, oh, I just fell into myself. Yeah. But apparently this happens all the time to everybody I know. It's like a Mel Gibson movie, like how we always get tortured. Yeah. I need that part if something anything good happens to you. Like if you found a dollar, I want to hear about your, you getting testicular cancer today also,

or else this is not a story that I'm interested in. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I agree with you. This is a problem with erotic stories. People send them in, but it's just like you fucked a girl. I'm like, well, that's not really. It's not the point. Nobody wants, nobody wants to hear your positive sexual exploits.

They want to hear the bug. That's aren't getting any. The struggle, yeah. Okay, Peach, get over here. Please tell us where we can find you as his custom. You can find me at, you know, on Twitter, at PeachSoliva, Instagram, PeachSoliva, and or Twitch.tv slash PeachSoliva. That is where I stream playing video games.

How's your experience been in Japan? You anywhere, shitting stories? Recently? Yeah. Oh gosh. Tokyo is really fast. It's like New York. Osaka, everyone's a maybe you'll notice a difference.

Everyone's a lot more laid back, relaxed over in Kansai. I feel like I've seen weirder shit in Osaka. I haven't seen any shitting, but I have seen some weird vomiting. It was like throwing up black liquid. It was weird. Ooh. Yeah. Didn't look safe.

I don't know. Coffee maybe. I really want to get into this bone fetish you have too. It's weird. I don't know what my problem is. It started as like, I thought it was a fascination and then just my phone filled. It's full of it.

Like my screen is a skeleton. Like I. No, I see. I get it. It's just something that I never thought would be sexualized in my life. And now every time I see a skeleton, I got to think of beach wanting to bang it.

Well, it's very specific. I don't like it. Like some people will show me a picture of like, oh, here's a pink skeleton. No, no, not interested. It has to be bleached white, bone white, picture-try, pearly white. It's like a realistic, kind of, I don't know why.

I just, I think that's pretty. Well, good luck with that. Yeah, thanks. Cool, thanks. I think you'll be able to fuck a purely white skeleton before I can find to tell me Tunaoka in this town. I looked for her at Comic-Cat, by the way. There were a lot of big, titty cosplayers there,

and they were super hot. One chick had a skirt on so short. I think I saw her asshole. It was crazy. But I did not see Tunaoka. I'm very sorry. I tried. Maybe it just exist.

Maybe it's just CIA. She lives in her hearts. All right, everybody. This has been the Dixiel. Thank you guys for coming in. I'm very sorry. I tried. Maybe it's just CIA. Yeah, yeah, she lives in our hearts. All right everybody This has been the Dixiel. Thank you guys for coming in. Thank you very much. Thank you, Pete. She's always Dixiel patreon.com slash the Dixiel see next year Goodbye Sean, please roll the theme song Presenting! you