The Dick Show - Episode 193 - Dick on Somewhat Activewear

Episode Date: February 11, 2020

How to buy drugs responsibly, somewhat activewear and the problems with leisure pants, Negative XP Calls in and talks about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, the size of the average American woman--AKA, banging a Blastoise, obsessing over a Pixar character, Ryan tries to reboot The Biggest Problem in the Universe, politeness comedians, the clicking sound on your turn signal, how to be bald, and Road Rage: Los Angeles 2 tickets are on sale; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Fancy you ass. That member that I brought in that little piece of paper that said get fucked and it had a little bandaid on it. Oh, that was acid. As it turns out. I got into that last night. You did. Yeah.

Now, there are people who say there are going to be people who say, how reckless, how reckless could you be doing drugs that someone just sent you in the post? I, as a responsible drug user, get all of my drugs from a licensed friend of a friend of a friend who knows someone who into prison that I have to go to drive to North Hollywood and sit in their living room for 10 minutes before I awkwardly ask how this works.

That's why that's who I get my drugs from. But look, if you're not willing to do strange drugs that someone has sent you into mail, maybe you're not ready for the future. Well, that's also just completely counter to what somebody who does drugs should behave like. Exactly. It's like, I mean, you're doing drugs.

Yeah. You're doing drugs. I'm already fucking doing them. Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna, you know, exercise extreme caution now. Oh, the way. In fact, I'm printing 3D guns in my garage. I'm doing drugs.

I'm selling cryptocurrency. I'm doing, I'm fucking specter up in this piece over here. And you're gonna have to deal with that. That's what I think anyway. Well, you know, if you're not ready for that, what are you ready for? Seems like it worked out. I think it did work out.

Relatively cohere. I feel better than I did after Super Bowl. Oh good. Yeah! Hey, welcome to Jig! You want to take a unique, unique, lovely gig? You've got it! It's the show! Everything's a contest. Community life, room out, and bunker deep in the heart of the city of Phileum. You have your house, Dick Masterson.

AKA the $20 million man. Voted America's worst Mexican 43 weeks running. Joining me is always this world touring LA-based comedian, Sean, the audio engineer. Hello, guys. $1,000,000 man voted America's worst Mexican 43 weeks running. Joining me is always this world touring LA based comedian, Sean, the audio engineer. Hello, Deja. Hey, what's up, buddy? You're sneaking up on a year of being the worst.

Oh, yeah. Wow. Never forget. Do an anniversary. Never forget. That's right. That would be like April, I think. It goes worst Mexican hol holocaust, Vietnam.

Never forget, and maybe if you have time, 911. Well, I'm surprised, I'm surprised, maybe. Vietnam makes it that high. Always gotta remember to never forget Vietnam, Sean. Don't be stupid. Well, you know, don't be stupid about our vets. I'll try to only be stupid, seven, eight. Yeah, maybe a dozen more times.

Once a year, you get one big fuck up every year. Right? One big fuck up. Yeah, and I've whittled that down from one a month. You're a baby, you're fucking up every couple of seconds. Right? Big, big fuck ups tumbling off the couch. Right. Chewing on tits wrong, you know, all these types of things. You whittle it down every couple of years.

I'm one big fuck up a year now. That's what I'm at. That's what I'm at. That's what I'm at, speaking of a world of big fuck ups. Look, have you planned this year's yet? I haven't. It's gonna be a surprise to you and me. Could be the next show, you know. Could happen at any moment.

A giant fuck up could happen at any moment. You booked a theater in this town, right? Oh, I didn't go on. There's not like multiple theaters named, whatever it is, and it could be in like Des Moines or something. I was East Africa. That was, I left that part out.

East Africa. East Africa. That's the expensive half. Yeah. The picture of the show, we're doing a road rage LA Maddox's funeral, tickets are on sale, tickets.thedictshow.com. Remind me to point that after the show.

This, yeah, right. So it actually goes somewhere, yeah. Okay, that's good. I imagine they're already sold out though, to be honest. Yeah, like I gave them to Patreons early and I think they're already gone. Is it a decent size place or? No, I mean, not like Philadelphia.

Considering the content, yes. Yeah, pretty overlay. Right, right. But you can't get more than 10 people in there. Yeah. It's huge. Yeah. The guy asked, what is this show? We're gonna be playing the two bartenders

and a janitor and a couple select bums. I said, oh, it's a few and really. He goes, okay, that's a bit odd. I was like, well, no, it's a funeral for this guy, this other show and he goes, oh, how did he die? Well, hubris, mostly. Yeah. He's actually dead. He actually dead, yeah. Huber is mostly. Yeah. Um, is he. Yeah. He's still around, right?

Walking around, but he's a show is, but he's a, yeah, he's a shadow of his former self. He's just nothing but a hollowed out husk. He's going to be giving eulogies, walked in the refrigerator, known again, March 28th. I don't, I think Mad Cuxon Peter coming. How's the bank? I hope so. How's the burial gonna work? Like, I mean, is there gonna be, can you get like a, like a pine box? Okay, so like, I want a pine box.

Yeah, something really shitty. Like, I don't know. Yeah. Last man standing style, pine box. Like the worst fucking thing to bury somebody in, it's like the softest wood, like just, that's like, just put them in something. Oh, that's good, just put them in.

That's good. What? Softwood? Yeah. Because you want the maggots and stuff to come in and decompose the body. Oh, if you want them to, yeah. Well, what do you want? Why imbalm people? I don't know. You know what I mean? I'm like fetish. No, I know. We have some weird thing about like keeping the dead like intact. So they get this, these, you know, multi thousand dollar coffins and you're in balls. It's really fucking odd, isn't it? Yeah. The entire business of death is a very weird coping mechanism. What a racket. It's like, I'm in some countries. They will have, they will have the dead people. I think like Thailand does it or some of the some of the East Asian countries do it. I can't remember somebody old, somebody old though, but it's a, they keep like the parents, the dead parents like in the house, like out in the open for a certain length of time.

Oh yeah, I don't, very, don't like there's people do that. They sit, but they're just like they're just sleeping. That's what they say. They don't say they're dead or they've passed or they just say they're just sleeping. It's really, Man, strange. Just throw me in the garbage. You know, make it easy. Yeah. Here I go.

In the garbage. Drive me to the border and try to throw me over the wall. So hit the D.C. Throw me up a thing. Throw me up a thing. Like on a Wednesday, if garbage is on a Thursday, so you don't just stink up the place. Throw me over the power lines, like tennis shoes. Time I.

Right. When you touch it, it gives you a hell of a show and you touch two right. Bring me up. Yeah. Try to try to catch my corpse around the power almost better than a monkey video of himself getting electrocuted. I want to have a coffin and for everybody to bring Maddox books and merchandise and dump them in the dump them in the coffin.

Oh, that's true. We're having this funeral because to celebrate episode 200 and because when Maddox ended the best debate in the universe, that was the end of the character. And then he became, he rebooted his George with the Godzilla attempt to bang my co-host show that he's currently hosting. So that's why we're having the funeral, all right?

So I want everybody to bring books and stuff of his that we can throw in this coffin. And then I swear to God, I want to drive that coffin to Doc Weiler Beach, where you can have fires because it's a beach, the only nice beach that we can have in LA is in the middle of a chemical industrial zone, like Sonic the Hedgehog level, where you can actually have bonfires.

Where is Doc Wiler? And it's between LAX and the poison factory that is West Hawthorne. No shit. So that's why you can, is that the only beach in LA? That's so strange because it's in a fucking industrial zone. That's why everybody goes to like, everybody goes to like Huntington or, you know, because you can have fights in and orange county. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I want to drive it there and light the bitch up. Yeah. I don't know if that's legal. I'm pretty, it's got to be,

because you do that with Christmas trees. That's a tradition. Sure. Drive those shits to the beach, lie to Montfire. Anyway, I'm gonna see if I can get bagpipes. Matt Miller said he wanted to do a tattoo, but they wouldn't let us do it. On stage. You know, Matt Miller, Inc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did the, he did the ragers tattoo to him. Yep, yep, yep.

At LA, at the, yeah, at the, the bruising show that was, that was silver. That was that, yeah, silver lake still hasn't recovered. If you're in LA and you know this show and you know Silver Lake, you're like, Jesus Christ. Silver, that was like, that was Scott Pilgrim versus the world.

Meets, I don't know. What would you describe this show as? What movie, Beer Fest? Just to set me up. Like, they've got a, if you see this man refuse entry on that bar now at the satellite and it's every single person who is at roadway JLA. Oh yeah, they've got 200 individual mug shots of everybody. If you see this man do not let him in.

They had to add walls near the entrance to fit all the pictures. Yeah, it goes around the building. None of these people. End of the world, that's what Cross McNull says. Okay, so Matt Miller wants to do a tattoo. They said no, then you two upscale. So I said, it's in like mid-wilshers, isn't it? Yeah, so I said come into the studio and do it.

Yeah. So if anybody is down to get a tattoo on the 200th episode, oh, somebody is. Somebody's gotta be, run you know. I was thinking you should probably get one. Oh shit, to be for no. I was thinking you should probably get one. Oh shit. It's a commemorate me To figure out what I have to figure out what I would would you be down to get one if you figured out if the perfect tattoo If the yeah, if the perfect well, I've said that before I know you've said it before

But if you can say it for a long time if the perfect tattoo. I don't fucking know what what it would be Where would you get it? I don't know. I arm somewhere generic, somewhere beefy. I mean, here. I would take you as a chest guy. No. No, why? I don't think so.

Right here. I don't know. Well, I haven't. I mean, I tattoo of Jimmy Hendrix, but I haven't. I already have an iron cross right here. So it's, oh, so it would confuse people. Maybe on the back. Or reenactments. Yeah.

Yeah. A big like angel on the back. Wings like in a kingpin. Yeah. It's a little thing. He's like, well, I've defaced my body. It turns around. It's like this huge like, looks like a whore from Guadalajara.

So you'd be down. If somebody came up with the perfect tattoo for you. Yeah, I think so. What kind of elements would you want to have in it? Man, I don't even use the Cality. Yeah, probably. Precision also. That would factor into it.

Precision. What about anything about delete like your wallet? What about your wallet? No, I'm going to stay away from like a delete button. What about don't delete on your finger? How about that? Yeah, yeah. It's like a delete button with a no farting line

through it. No fumoring line. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So if you've got ideas, I mean, he's no smoking shithead. I'll never forget that. I mean, he's no smoking shithead. Uh, he continues. What? Max continues with his with his blistering hot takes. Let me read you this one. I brought, I compile things to talk about during the week. This one strikes me. I miss, I miss his insanity. He's this one before. Oh, of course, this is, let me bring it up here

so people can see it. Oh no, he says, the AP releases a, the AP releases a story. Deaths caused by a viral outbreak in China have increased by 73 to a total of 563, while the number of confirmed cases now stands at more than 28,000. Just a little statistical update for you, right? In case you're following the corona-chand virus story that's currently sweeping the nation of China.

Well, I mean, I know where I get my news is the first thing I've got a bookmarked, you know, his page Just to make sure that the yeah, how do I react to this purely mathematical statistical data that I've just been told But also he you know if you read carefully, he tells you how to feel about it. Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean like it You've got a really you've got a you've got to be a pretty bright guy, you know to really get the to read into You got to be a pretty bright guy, you know, to really get the to read into. Yeah. So Maddox is fighting the AP has released a release a mathematical update for you, a statistical update. So he is countering their math with his own.

Yeah, Marter math, right. In order to interpret it, oh, no, not 563 people, he says, meanwhile, 300 to 700,000 people die from the flu every year with an estimated three to five million severe cases. That's 10 to 14% of people who get the flu. Corona has resulted in about 2% more. So already, you know, he doesn't know what he's talking about. It's overblown, fear mongering bullshit. And I have noticed this trend with people who are offended that you are concerned about it. Oh, that a country that a country the size of China has quarantined 80 million people and are building emergency hospitals in 14 days are sending drones around to tell old people to go back to their homes are welding people in their

apartments are Carding off anyone who coughs in mystery vans that look smaller than a dog catchers. So clearly they think it's going to be a Problem they have a why don't you let them know it's not a problem Yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah, while every while the rest of us go huh? That's pretty odd while those numbers are climbing climbing pretty fast These guys are clawing up your asshole to try to get into your brain to go. Hey, hey, hey, this is not a problem It's not a problem. It's not I I will tell you and something is a problem me and my math will tell you and something is a problem You come to me first me

And I'm here to let you know this is not a problem. Go back to talking about video games. I don't get it. I don't get this fear mongering. It's fear mongering. Like, well, yeah, it seems pretty, it seems pretty wild. Yeah. Also, the fact that it's been sensationalized or whatever or just over reported or reported all the time, that's everything. That's whenever it's just whatever breaks up the news cycle. Just get people talking, get people clicking, get people researching.

It's like, yeah, it's, it's, it's like, but it's nothing to get upset about with regard to other people. It's like, who cares? Just like, know that you're right. It's fear mongering bullshit. Yeah, right. I don't know if I'm not really afraid.

See it then, let's say you. I'm interested, I'm interested that 4chan has analyzed the atmospheric gas readings of the government and determined that China might be cremating a shitload of bodies because the sulfur in the atmosphere there has just wet, yeah. Skyrocketed. Yes.

Like, oh, that's interesting. They lie a lot. Maybe somebody exploded an egg farm. Maybe so. Equally I'm open to that. I'm equally open to that. I don't get it. Okay, let me see.

Great news. Great news. Got it. I got distracted with Maddox. New glasses. New glasses. Ooh, look at these fucking things. Those even look, those even look better. The contrast looks better. The here, here, whole here is. Look at these fucking things. Do we have a knife? Do you have an anti-rape knife at all times. Not right now. You're letting your guard down in the wrong place, Melady. Yeah, these, oh, look at them, man.

I'm not trying to scratch it off, but it seems like for 24 hours, just wait. Seems like they'll hold up. These are cool. Just beautiful. This is McDonald's quality. When I originally conceived of this idea to have pint glasses,

I had in my mind those glasses that you could get from McDonald's in the 80s, with the the mayor McChee's marching all the, uh, the fry people to to camps. Fry guys. Yeah, fry guys. So camps. Yeah, because then they get fried up. And that's where the delicious french fries come. I don't remember this. That's that's pretty, uh, look at this fucking knife. It's a little third right key, isn't it? Well, that's where the hamburger glard comes to set them free. Oh, he does. That's the McDonald's myth Oh, so I don't know if you didn't know about that. Okay. Here we go. Here's the knife test You hear that? Yeah, that is on the surface. Wow the fucking logo cannot be scraped off. Oh my god This this fuck look at this.

It's knife, Sean. I can't believe you can do it that much. All day, I can do this all day. Look at that. That is, that is fucking pro quality ceramic ink. It looks fucking beautiful. I did not expect that to hold up to that. Because who's gonna do that?

It's a knife test. You gotta know. You gotta ship quality products. I am more than impressed. It's a knife test. You gotta know. You got a ship quality product. I am more than impressed. Shop.dict.show. They'll ship in a while. I got it now, I got to order 2,000 of them. Wow, because I played it safe this time.

Well, you know, they learned my lesson. You know, am I one of these days I might learn one lesson? I was talking to my dad about it. Oh yeah, learning lessons. Excited about these glasses. He probably knows all about this shit. I'm one of these days, I might learn one lesson, I was talking to my dad about it. That's the show. Oh yeah, learning lessons. Excited about these glasses.

He probably knows all about this shit. No, because he was in, he wasn't in manufacturing, he was in distribution. So, you're talking about McDonald's. It should be just show up. Yeah. And they move it. So, he can take care of it.

Got it. He's so funny, dealing with him about anything. Now I look at it and see like, okay, this is why you're like this because you dealt, this is what was drilled into your head growing up. Now I can take a step back and go, okay, I see what you're doing, calm down.

There's no, I'm not learning anything new at this point. Everything here is baked in. Okay. Just like the ceramic of these glasses, you can't scrape off what's in my brain with the knife. I said, oh yeah, the new glasses came. They look awesome. So I'm out a little bit of money for that one

and he goes, well, that's the cost of doing business. Oh. Okay, calm down. Just letting you know, just saying, and he goes, well, that's the cost of doing business. That's such a boomer thing, isn't it? Just slogans. Though that, the generation that came up with just do it,

no pain, no gain. Oh, that's it. Just the cost of doing business. Like, I don't need to file it away forever by capping it with a slogan. I can let it ruminate and be open-ended in my mind. Like, I know that you guys didn't have that luxury because your parents were all psychotic alcoholics

that kicked the shit out of each other all the time, but I don't thank you. I get it. I appreciate the assistance, but I can just, I can think about it. It's, it was a fuck up. I can let it just be a fuck up for everyone. Hopefully we can do that in this generation,

but it kind of doubted. Let's see what else I have. Okay, what makes me rage? I try to buy some pants recently. Oh, or do you wanna makes me rage? I try to buy some pants recently. Oh, or do you wanna do, no, I'll try to buy some pants recently and found that if you're either, if you're not a Captain America wanna be, if you don't look like a generic superhero,

if you don't want to look like that, with like racing stripes and tight ass active wear on just a normal pair of working out pants. You are S-O-L. Okay. All I wanted, all I wanted was a nice, was a regular pair of cheap as shit possible under armor pants that I could wear to the gym and then lounge around in for the rest of the day. Yes. I want semi-active wear. Yeah. Do you understand what I'm harshly active wear?

Partially active wear. You can, the active wear that they currently have with a bunch of buff superchads who managed to carve out three hours for CrossFit between a grueling and their grueling day of talking about selling commercial real estate. I don't, there is not a market on Earth big enough for that. And I know you have to Excel listed on the site. So I know the people who are buying this shit are not, are also not this demographic. I want to know who actually is driving this degradation of active wear

from something comfortable that you could go to the gym to and then just sit around in and maybe have a nice jerk offer to. Yeah. Without being like nice moisture wicking and airflow, right? I mean, yeah. Because chances are, you know, I mean, yeah, because chances are, I mean, if you're gonna work out, you're gonna work out harder at home

after the gym than you are in the gym. Yeah, let's remember what this clothing is for. It's going to be jacked off in more that it's going to be worked out in. That's why I need partially active wear. Right. Because I don't want to look like a Captain America knockoff when I'm just lounging around the house with speed lines. It's like a spoiler for your ass.

Yeah. So I order. Since they're in MoxMe as I'm on the couch. Yes, I don't need to. No one wants to see speed lines while they're beating off. I don't want to accidentally think about Chris Evans while I'm jerking off. I have a bunch of fucking speed lines where there should be nothing. Huh. So I have five pairs of pants. One of these has got to be the right one, right? I remember last time I did this, I just picked the cheapest one. Perfect. Pear pants, great. I can go enjoy the rest of my life. Yeah. Five pairs of pants. Now one goddamn set of pants is the right one. They all from from best to worst. It is every single one. The fabric whooshes when you rub it together. Yeah. Like not like very like

just like you hear it. Like it's actually makes like a like a windbreaker. Yeah. Yeah. That's the worst. Jacket material. Who the fuck wants who wants this who in the active wear community that is swapping out their Thought that their cav type pants that will Like a cat. Let's like a tourniquet for your fucking ankles between that and the Capri's that they're putting out Who is who is exers who is working out in this? Um, I need a wish fact. I need a jack up. Can you jack off in these pants or what? That this. I need a whoosh fact, I need a jack, can you jack off in these pants or what? That's all I need.

I don't need the listing of, the listing of made up materials that they're so proud to hammer you with. This rip tech's fabric is the next level of, no, all I need for my performance enhancement is just to do it. That's the major, that's the major obstacle between me and peak performance. I don't need to be motivated by trade names. My pants. And, and made up fabrics. Right.

Very frustrating. So I'm out of pants. Wasted an hour and I still don't have any pants. I can't work out till you get get pants Probably will never have them. Well, maybe not This one was but you do have jack-off clothes, right? Well, they're wearing thin I mean, that's the other thing. I would like to drop off in a new pair a nice pair of pants Right now these are kind of looking raggedy like you've been jacking off in them. Yeah, a lot like a homeless person Yeah, I would like a nice set of pants that I can just jerk off in and not feel like such a scrub.

Fair enough, but that doesn't exist. So somebody needs to make it. All right, this one came in from Nick Rikita. Mm-hmm. He, uh, he managed to shoot this chili pepper up my ass. Yeah. This is Lizzo, I think. You see this one, Sean?

This is a woman allegedly. Wow. Wow, indeed. What size? Who is Lizzo? Why should I have a musician? Really? Yeah, because she's the fattest woman on earth, I think.

I mean, a woman who looks like that is like, got to be able to singer ass off, right? Well, clearly not. Very good. How does she even know which tits to cover? Is my question. She's wearing a bikini that, she's wearing a bikini that looks like it could sail a ship around the world. And it's still not enough. These are the most unfortunate tits I have ever seen in my life. Two spinikers up top. Yeah.

The main sail down below. The ship has been manned. This disaster of a wailing ship launched from the whatever beach she's currently birthed on there. But this isn't what makes me a rage about it. It's all the people responding that we're normalizing an unhealthy lifestyle. Oh, so it's coming from this shit. So it's coming from the other side.

Yeah, like I know. I know. I'm familiar with fat brods. I'm familiar that they exist. We've been making fun of them for a thousand years because there's Loppy and they eat too much and the fat and then not ashamed of it. We get it, right? And we all hate them because of all of those things

put together. But to be fair, Dick Sucks cocks, some of them are ashamed of it. Yeah, you know. Not enough. Maybe not. But they all need to be. That's my point, right? They all need to be.

If they use that as motivation for doing something about it, but then I see people chiming in with, oh, you know, it's not that, you know, it's not, it's just that the reason why, the reason why I'm offended by this is because it promotes an unhealthy lifestyle. I'm like, oh, bullshit, you fucking idiot, we just don't like bad chicks, that's it. Yeah, I, I, I, I highly doubt you have, you know, strong concern for the next generation. Yeah. Are you walking around slapping French fries at a people's hands? Oh, you're normalizing unhealthy behavior.

Oh, shut the fuck up. Just join in in the bullying like the rest of us. Get the fuck outta here with your grandstanding. Like you're better than us. Yeah, I highly doubt you're so concerned for a society at large. It's like, you know, if you see, if you see maybe like your daughter who's like,

yeah, I wanna get huge like her. But then, then maybe you go like, hey, hey, hey, hey. No, that shit's bullshit. That's bullshit. Yeah, just style. You know what I mean? Don't hold fucking rallies over it, Jesus. I can't, it's like, I don't know why

they can't just be comfortable being a bully. Like yeah, fuck, fuck that people. That's what we do. Rip on them. Yeah. Um, you don't need to justify it. You pussy's. Push that shit off into the future.

Let the next generation have to justify everything. Like, oh, actually, I'm a, I'm working towards the health of society by making fun of the 10 tits on this woman's back. I'm promoting, this is an anti-. No one believes you. Blow it out your ass. Speaking of fat women, which you were, this is some new data, new data from the CDC,

I pulled just because of this. The average American woman aged 20 years and above weighs 170 pounds. No. Wait, for real? Yes, for real. 20 years and above the average American woman. That's correct, yes. And that's from the CDC. CDC, they don't lie. I mean, I would, they lie just to make it funny. They don't do that.

170 pounds. 170 pounds. That's fucking mind blowing. Oh yeah, it's gut busting. That's for sure. The average height is five foot three point seven inches. Yeah. Five, three, but yeah, that's, I thought it was somewhere

around five, four, four. Okay. Let me give you something to compare that to. 170 pounds. Just so you can have a mental image to compare that to. A blastoist, the water type Pokemon is also five, three and weighs 180 pounds. So the average American woman is like,

looks like a fucking Pokemon. Blastoise. Most, the average, I don't know what Blastoise looks like. Let me put, well, imagine the average American woman. That's what Blastoise looks like. I'll be honest, in Blastoise for you. Yeah. This is what Blastoise looks like.

So Blastoise is like a turtle. Yes. He's sassy. Holy shit. He's ready to gas queen. Yeah. This is the average American woman. Oh my God.

This is who Lenny Kravitz was singing about. Oh my God. Look at the sassy. He's got that grumpy sassy look. Evolves from War Tortle. Yeah, mixed with like a slight hangry, you know, grandma's drinker that's drinking Doritos out of the bag. Oh, wow, wow, wow, yeah.

Squirting, also featuring squirting. What? No, 70. Piss or not? That's fucking crazy. Yep. I thought you'd like that one. That just doesn't even like, I'm still thinking like that can't be real.

170. But I'm thinking, I got a guy at the CDC that every year when they measure it, he puts his foot on the scale a little bit more. Oh, there you go. Just gradually increasing disorders. Got it. Okay, let's see here. What else do I have?

That's insane. Yes, wild. The Iowa caucus, did you see that? No. You didn't see anything about that? What's an Iowa caucus? What's it? I don't know. What's an Iowa caucus. Did you see that? No. You didn't see anything about that? What's an Iowa caucus? I don't know. What's an Iowa caucus with you? Um, this is the, what strikes me about it

as the funniest thing about it is that the Democrats are the educated party. What's a Democrat? Yeah. They're the smart ones. We're always bragging about how smart they are, right? Always. Well, that's how stupid Republicans are.

Yeah, that's what the coast, the coast especially. Oh, we're so educated. We've got all this school pretty much, we're pretty much we've out-thunk God. There used to be this concept of God, but we're so smart, we've thought ourselves around it. We can think ourselves pregnant and un-pregnant at the time.

I'm a dime. Can't elect a prom queen. They cannot get a single, they cannot get enough people in a room to figure out how to elect a prom queen. That's what we're dealing with here, with the Iowa cock. And that's the funniest part to me.

Why, you can, did you see the guy try to flip a coin? What's a coin? Did you see it? Did you see the kid flipping a coin? No, no. Okay, I gotta show you this. I should have pulled it out. When a headline leans with fumbling, it's gonna be funny.

Oh, come on. Does anybody have it on Discord? What is that all about? Oh, Trey, who won the lost episode. He posted a joke. Yeah, I thought so. I think it was a loss. Somebody just like peeled it and took it.

And everybody piled on me saying how stupid I am for sending like a flash drive. Cause I deleted it. When I sent it, I deleted it. I said, this is for keeps. Yeah. So then this turned out to be a joke. He actually did get it.

He listened to it and then he said he's not releasing it until Matt and screwy-lui also get laid. Oh, geez. So we got a long haul in the store for us. Let me see if anybody's posted that coin to us. Yeah, here we go. Thank you, peerless support. Oh, aptly named. You can watch this and see the intelligence oozing off of this person who's a representative of the Democratic Party.

Just like a kid? Who is this? I don't know. It's some sort of a man perhaps. Watch this. Watch him flip this fucking coin. Let me see. Okay, watch, you see that now he's flipped the coin. He has flipped the coin, holds it and then fishes is it out with his other weirdest thing I've ever seen. It's weirder. Fishes it out with his other hand, then pause it and massages it a few times in the hand.

This is, can you learn this in college? How to flip a fucking coin? Is that they teach that? I would know. They're educating that they're getting flip, bam, boom done. I would think you would have seen a coin flip from the time you're about five years old. It's like a cool thing.

Like one of your uncles, all of a sudden, is over for the holidays or something. And it just goes like, all right, like you know, it uses in your college to tail, slap man. You learn about the quit, you're like, oh, because as a little kid, you're like, what, who would think Tata's a coin? So it shows it to you, you're like, oh, that's cool.

Then you go around doing it. I don't know, I'm just saying, they're so fucking smart, but couldn't get a prom queen election going. Oh damn. Okay, let's see, I got a Brisbane mom to talk about. A Brisbane mom. Yeah. Okay, here's the Brisbane mom.

Okay. Back to the 50s, it called us. I want to take you back to the 1950s. Oh, okay. Really? That's what I thought when I read this, Brisbane mom's Facebook post. Brooks Smith shared her routine online. He's what she said.

I always make sure I don't go to bed and deliver and it's not just a part of their clothes are set out for the next day, including my husband's and the house is clean, dishwasher is on and a load of washing is on. I always get up early, 430 with my husband to make his... Do you understand what's going on? I do.

She's just a woman's posting about how she takes care of her family. Yeah. Breakfast and... Yeah. Coffee. Not today. Not today, you bitch. Yeah. Breakfast and eggs. Yeah. Coffee. Not today. Not today, you bitch.

Those fucking kids back in their own lunches. Whatever. I mean, I just want the actress. I mean, a lot of people online are saying, well done. A praising her. Yeah. Who? Who are these people?

Oh boy. What a deckless piece of shit back out here. Look at how high this bitch is, dude. Why would you want to talk shit about somebody? She's probably very happy doing that. That fits her. Oh, you think? Yeah.

You fucking think? I mean, it's like all of a sudden as a society, we're deeming that bad that she a, a lot of people are like, that's fucking demented to go out of your way to laugh at a woman just raising her family and post, post like on our fucking Facebook. I'm gonna keep playing. This Dickless McGee continues commenting on it.

Get off your bum and do stuff yourself. My only theory is that she might actually like her husband and she might actually like to get up at 4.30 and spend Yeah, I mean, I like my husband. Make your own bloody breakfast and coffee, I mean. Oh God, insufferable. Well, she made this one made a slight attempt to like defend it. Yeah, exactly, but I don't do anything for Matt. Get your own bloody coffee. Yeah, fuck him. I've got emails answered from work. Yeah. And you know, apparently this couple run an MMA fighting gym.

Oh, it's martial arts. It's martial arts. They also breed bulldogs. So they can do whatever they want. I'm like, you know what, if it makes a happy, but I mean, there's nothing in that list of things there. You know, as you're talking about you bitch. Well, it's not about you bitch. Good, enjoy your cat. Yeah, it's arranged. That's, yeah, it's arranged. What were we talking about death earlier?

Yeah, I found an urn, a dildo urn. What? You can get your lover's body cremated and then put into a dildo that you could enjoy. Keep by the bed and enjoy yourself and pull it up if you want to check that out. Jesus. Women really, really, really, will fuck anything. Dead body. This is a dead body that you're putting in that more than one has bought. I have never seen a flesh life.

What does it dry into? I have it filled. Is it like it's a dildo hollow and it's filled or does it actually? I know you can make, right? You can make diamonds out of, you know, carbon, right? Like this. But you don't fuck those diamonds.

No. Stick them in your pussy. No, but what I'm saying is what material can be made. Look. So they put it inside. So they put it inside. You put your ashes inside, though. And inside of a deal, though.

Okay, so inside of a case, they can't literally the pieces of your bone fragments. They're not mixing it with other compounds or whatever, thermoplastics or whatever. This is a straight-up earn. You will get a, you will get mocked relentlessly for even for the suggestion of having a sex doll, of being with a sex doll as a man.

You want, you express any interest in a sex doll mocked relentlessly. Guys will trip over themselves to call it pathetic. Pathetic. Can't get girls in real life, huh? What a joke. What a joke you are. Meanwhile, you got bitches putting dead bodies in sex toys.

Nothing. Not a goddamn thing said about it. I thought that was interesting. I wonder how many have been sold. A lot. They're selling out, Sean. Wow. There you go.

No, what's a lot? Millions. Every woman has. I would have thought nothing less. That's what's a lot? Millions. Every woman has. I would have thought nothing less. That's what they do now. They put, I mean, the pre-orders alone or in the hundreds of thousands, weren't they? That's what I'm gonna do, old dad.

They put do, old dad in a dildo. I'm gonna buy out a crate of these. Uh, dead old dad. Split myself up. Divy myself up into shots. Oh, geez. That's gonna, that'll be the end of me. Selling dildos.

To I hope mostly men who purchased them, I see, to annually stimulate themselves. Maybe Australian housewives. Okay, let me get to some comments. Hey, Dick James, Simon's in here. Even during the coronavirus, this is how badly women want to work. Talking about that woman who ghosted a guy or ditched him out in the last minute so she

could go develop her app or whatever the fuck was so important. It was a launch, I believe. It was a product launch. Hey, Deck, even during the Corona virus outbreak, women still still wanna go to work. That was the title. Long time listener and a big fan has been living in China for the past eight years. When you said the last week about women throwing away real shit for work became all too real for me this week.

Right now, my family and I, wife, two kids in laws are hiding out in my wife's hometown, which is very rural, and mostly importantly, quite a little population in comparison to where we live, a mega city close to Shanghai. We are not very comfortable here, but we are very safe and we have food. Thursday, my wife came up to me and says she has to go back

to the city this weekend for work. We're talking about the middle of the coronavirus, right? Yeah. We don't know what the mortality rate is because no one's really recovered yet. Yeah. Like, it's not deaths over infected, it's deaths over recovery.

That's the murder rate. That's the death rate, right? So we don't know what it is yet. Needless to say, my mind fucking imploded. What the fuck is it with women? This ability to care so deeply about your family, but the second that your asshole company asked you to dump them at the drop of a hat to go, fuck and do something you hate.

All this on top of the fact no one is working right now. Even the shittiest factories are closed until the 17th and most office companies are just allowing work from home. I told my wife, was it like Chinese New Year? They canceled it. They canceled it. No New Year till the coronavirus last year over. And they're just going to erase this year completely.

Okay. Uh, uh, I asked her and her response, oh well, my boss didn't say we shouldn't come into the office and I don't want to not be there if they ask me to go. Hmm. Yeah. You know what they didn't say we shouldn't. Yeah, so I'm gonna go ahead and do it. And that whole video reminds me,

may give me the feeling of women collectively, always, always on, always waking up and every day, making sure nobody else did their homework. Huh, you know what I mean? That feeling of, well, I didn't do my fucking, how you didn't do that, huh? You didn't do that, right? I mean, that was legit.

I mean, we're all gonna, like, collectively, if enough of us didn't do the homework, then, blame it on the teacher. It's like, clearly? I mean, that was just, I mean, we're all gonna, like, collectively, if enough of us didn't do the homework, then blame it on the teacher. It's like clearly, I mean, we didn't think you were serious about that. That's what they do. By hammering chicks who are actually enjoying being moms together, ganging up on them,

like, uh, this bitch is, did her homework. Can we all just, at least get her to shut up about it? In the end, I got her to stay, but the fact that this was even an argument makes me think of you saying, God cancel women. I think Taylor said that. Now I need to go back to boiling sunflower seed husks to make coffee as I ran out of coffee a few days ago.

Why? Keep up the great work and go fuck yourself. How can that? I hope that's a joke. Nobody's boiling sunflower seed husks. I don't know, I don't know. Tobacco, hey, Dick, I just listened to the bit where you talk about getting called sir. I worked at a water park. Yeah. And we had to call people sir no matter what. We had scales to weigh people.

It worked at a water park. And every step had a can line with it. Sir, please step onto the scale. All right, sir. If you could please get off the scale, and could you please step on to the scale? All right, then, sir, can we get both of you on the scale? Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but you exceed the weight requirement for this slide. That's... I'll bet that happens a lot these days. You think so? Are they building slides for the average American woman? I mean, that's still blows my mind. I was there to sit on my ass except you had to stand up at least you and career managers Wrath and Bob a ball and sure that retards didn't fuck everything up by going three to time. There were a few stations where they could have been replaced by signs.

Yes, that's the degradation of sir. Derek Monet, hey Dick and Sean, I wanted to say thank you one more time for sharing the story about my wife and our tragic accident the other week. The amount of support that came from Dickhead, the Dickhead community was absolutely incredible. Over 200 Dickheads donated to the GoFundMe and many of them left messages of support that were very heartwarming. It was amazing to see a bunch of names. I recognized for the show and I brought to tears on a few occasions, figuratively, of course, men don't cry, I was gonna say. I can't thank you in all the awesome dickheads. Enough, Jenna would be speechless. All right, well, there you go. Well, whatever good you can pull out of that,

because that's a fucking rotten deal, man. You wanna see something funny? So Chris, the Kiwi is on dating sites? I didn't answer. Yeah, you're gonna wanna see it. Yeah, okay. Chris, the Kiwi is on dating sites? I didn't answer. Yeah, you're gonna wanna see it. Yeah, okay. Chris, the Kiwi is on dating sites. Hang on, let me just let that, uh-huh.

Just, but he's just sit with me for a moment. Yeah. I mean, you know, all he does all day is just sit around trying to get women to have sex with them online. On benches, online. Okay, so he's on dating sites. He's realized that he can, that since catfishing worked on him, I guess, he's trying it out on them. And this is the picture that he uses on his profile. Jesus. Really. This is a, some sort of an ab model, Calvin Klein.

Yeah. Addle that he's got here. Yeah. Abs of steel. Got a fucking eight pack. One of the most handsome men in the world. This is what he's sending to women. You know what he actually looks like.

I know exactly what he actually looks like. Both as a man and a woman. This is what he's trying to pull off down there in Australia. What the fuck is going on with that guy? I think he should just run with it and just pretend to be this guy, right? But he has this sick need to be loved for himself, I think. Yeah, that nobody wants to love you.

Yeah, no one loves you. Is it not, I mean, I mean that as a, the general you. Yeah, don't, you know. No, you gotta come to general you yeah, yeah, don't you know now? You got to come to terms with that. Yeah, no one will ever love you right something else. Yeah, you're completely fucked They're just terrified all the time. They need some they need you to stop them from doing insane shit like going into the middle of biohazard Mm-hmm work because they don't know if they should or not. It's everything's always at a 10 Someone stopped that woman from cooking breakfast and packing lunches and doing laundry. Yeah.

Please, she's out of her mind. Uh, somebody stop her. All right, let's see if Shooter is here. Okay, Shooter, are you there, my man? Yeah, what's up? Thank you for calling in. Uh, I'm a big fan of your music. Oh, gee.

Thanks for having me. You are the voice of a generation. I truly believe that. You wrote the song, Scott Pilgrim versus the world ruined a whole generation of women, and basically everyone hates you. Right? Long time. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, you guess so what has been the reaction? I don't know people people like it I guess I mean, it's what you guys like it right? I love it. I love it. I love it already at the title, but the song's even better I think people that are mad at it I think people that are mad at it, they're not actually mad at it. They just like acting like that.

People are just negative. Yeah. Sean, do you want to hear the song first? Yeah, I need to hear the song first. Let's hear the song first. I want to get into your Anthony Fantano reaction too. Okay, here you go. Oh, sure. Sure Pretty good Just close things, communism is the way to go She's a hard, hard, dime a dozen jazz about

Pretty good Retarded views on politics Like two listed, there's shitty music She takes a clock and throws out a dirty bomb She saw a monoflowers and fell so empowered By a movie man in Hollywood It said a thing she saw on Starter Like a lamb to the slaughtered I'm a little bit worried It's sad to think she's someone's daughter Like a lamb to the slaughter But honestly, I still hit if I could What do you think, Sean?

I'm pretty accurate, right? Oh, I like it I can see the movie Oh, no, I'm... have you seen Nettman? Never heard of him! Never heard of him! Oh, I like it. I can see the movie. Oh, no, I'm... have you seen Nevin? Never heard of him. Never heard of him. You wanna hear more? As we talk, yeah, let's hear it. BPD next to see. I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die.

Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die.

Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, I'm gonna die. The video is great! It's just hammer hammer! The video is fucking hysterical! Did you make this? I didn't make the video. You didn't make the video? Get the guy on the photo made the video then! No man, she's just inspired. Now flowers have been...

Okay, okay, okay, okay. It's funny. It's just wonderful. I'm glad you guys seemed to enjoy it so much. It's just so brutal, it's so good that it hurts. It cuts women down so great that it actually hurts me. What is it like having such a small penis that would make you hate women so much?

And how gay are you? How gay are you to make so much hate speech like this against women? And do you have a sex doll? Yeah, admit it. I'm very gay. Gay is in the happy. I'm very happy. I'm also short, too, so the happy, I'm very happy. I'm also short too, so that's probably

a white woman so much. How short are you? Five foot seven. Oh man, that's a shame that they would tell you that short. That's huge. The average woman is five three. That's towering. As if they know the difference between five seven

and six feet. Like what are we gonna show me five inches? I still feel kind of, I still feel pretty insecure about that, I guess. Yeah. That's why, you know, that's why I do this. This thing like the music stuff. What possessed you to make this song about Scott Pilgrim? What a loaded for possessed. What possessed hateful, hatefulness possessed you to make this drove this insanity. Walk walk us through it. The moment that you thought

of this wonderful song, how many places it have, by the way, Millie, a lot of plays, a lot of plays. It's what I'll be remembered for unfortunately. Well, now you got more good stuff in you, man. Yeah, thanks. Well, what inspired you? I said that at one point too. I said, I'll never do better than Dr. Phil, but I think we have. Yeah.

I really think we have. Or worse. Yeah, keep going. What were you going to say, sugar? Some like E-girl tweeted, Scott Pilgrim ruined a whole generation of men and I was like doing this bit for a while where I would just steal tweets from e-girls And then switch the genders But she ended up like it went viral and she ended up deleting it because people were like

mad and like offended that They would like they would defend the movie and get really hurt about it. But then I tweeted it and a bunch of people were trying to get on my case and stuff. So I don't know, I just thought it was really funny because I think Scott Pogrums like a really gay movie. So I just made this song. I was Sean and I were talking about that movie before the show. I haven't seen it.

I use slurs that I do not use on the air to describe it. And I don't think I could describe that movie without using them. Huh. Michael Sarah is the main character. I hate that guy. Well, you're supposed to. Yeah. I mean, I think that you are really, that's his appeal.

Is that guys like me and you just I just want I just want to punch him. Yeah, really like he just he's got a very punchable face That whole that movie embodies this weird culture that you and I could never exist in of a guy who's not Necessarily a pussy, but he is a hero in a very Very odd way in a world that is not ours. It's good, it's a good movie, I think. But is it dead fucking on that it represents what it is? It is.

Ainess group of women. Huh. Yeah, I think it sucks, but yeah, Ramona flowers. You see a lot of Ramona flowers types around, even if they haven't seen the movie, you just see people with bright dyed hair and they're on pills and, you know. They think their life is a movie, I guess.

Yeah, they fucking do. Everything is, and the worst part is in every movie, somebody's either Jesus or Faust, right? The good story, you're either Jesus or Faust, somebody's either Jesus or Fouls, right? The good story, you're either Jesus or Fouls, you're either the savior of your story or you made a deal with the devil. So all of them have cooked into their fucking brains that they're the center of the fucking world. I always seem to have these conversations at the road rages.

And for whatever reason, it keeps coming up. I always find myself talking about how kind of dangerous it is to kind of believe that movies reflect life. And that might be a pedophile. Because people don't like Helen Hunt doesn't make Jack Nicholson all of a sudden want to be a better person. Like no, he's taken decades to get that way. And as good as it gets, he doesn't all of a sudden,

like the right woman doesn't just change you like that. Yeah, that relationship has a lot of punch holes in the wall. That's completely non-existent. If he changes for the weekend, he'll go back to who he is. Yeah. It's like that's, yeah, that kind of stuff doesn't happen. What do you think about that? Shooter Hollywood I think Hollywood is

Not good It's setting a bad example for the youth and yeah, just kind of making everyone into Just kind of making everyone into one very vain and materialistic and just just say it's bad. It's a bad place. It is like they're all living their own little movie. People are just forgetting that like movies aren't real life. Yeah. And they're written by people who are severely dysfunctional. Yeah, a lot of them are the stories you're getting. That's where the drama comes from the definition of. Yeah, yeah. It's the dysfunction.

Have you, do you have a girlfriend? Yeah, I know. What is, of course not. I love it. I love how you post the, I love when you post all the girls in your DMs, like trying to tell you what your music means to them, like relating it back to them, he'll post the screenshots and make fun of them.

Yeah, it's mostly sad, like men actually, like send those type of messages, but yeah, lately a lot of like women try to bother me. Yeah. I'm just very, I'm not like a Yeah, lately a lot of women try to bother me. I'm just very, I'm not like a- I'm just women bothering me with their attention. What's that? I just like being by myself. I'm not really like, I mean, I do hate women,

but I hate like just people in general. I'm not doing hate women now. Sure, we all do. I mean, let's not get it twisted. We gotta do that Sally Strothers commercial. Sure, you, sure, you, hey, women. We all do, but this is how you can deal with them. Right.

So what was the reaction? To your song when you put it out. Like I just, you've had an experience of having this huge reaction to what? Till your song when you put it out. Like I said, you've had an experience of having this huge phenomenal song that everyone reacts to negatively. How did that build up? What was your experience with that?

Like Anthony Fantano hates you. You got BlueTrek's calling you an in-sell and a loser, right? That's an interesting experience. I wanna hear more from that. Anthony Fantano called me in in-sell and a loser, right? That's an interesting experience. I wanna hear that from him. Anthony Fantano called me in in-sell. And I was just really surprised by the reaction to it. I was surprised how big it got, I mean, big enough for me to be on the DIC show.

Yeah. And, yeah, it's just a real like throwaway song. I just like, I didn't think it'd be anything. It was just like, it's always the way, isn't it? Yeah. This will just be like a little thing. It's so specific. BPD and ecstasy, like, oh man, that describes so many chicks that I fucking hate. Yeah. BPD. That's pretty good. That's how you write a good song though. You gotta use a lot of alliteration and like, you know, put rhythm in the...

And catchy Johnny Ramones guitars. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of these buzz saw, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're good. A nice neat little pop package.

Makes it palatable. Yeah. You wanna get your message like across to just be as straight forward as you can because people are always going to misinterpret what you say. So you might as well just say that as clear as you can. We can't I love it because you can't argue with a song. Yeah. Like people can try to.

They try to, they pick it apart. Like, oh, this guy's an in-sell. It's like, yeah, but you can't, you cannot argue with the song. You just hear it forever. It was. It was made a reaction video about it calling it like an in-sell song.

And I was like, it's an in-sell. And there you go. And I was like, it's a good song. There you go. And I was like, oh, this is stupid. And it got so many dislikes. I guess he took it down. But yeah, people, people, um, I don't know. I would say equal parts of people like it as much as people hated. It's like 50, 50, I think.

Yeah, I think that the people who love it will love it forever and then people who hate it will just hate something new. Yeah, that's right. You know what I mean? That's true. What's been your favorite reactions from people? Negative and positive. I always like the negative stuff the most because it's so funny because it's like, you know, if I don't like something, I just move on. It's just like negative stuff the most, because it's so he's funny, because it's like, you know, if I don't like something, I just move on.

It's just like, oh, okay. So much energy people extend to say, I fucking hate this and I hate you. And because it's not even monetized, but dude, it scares them. Like, these people are afraid of something. So they fucking lash out at it like that. They really are. Yeah, settle down. I think it's like

it's probably like an insecurity thing. Yeah. The video that I was talking about just now, I thought that was like, that was really funny, but they took it down so you can't see it anymore. Anthony Fantano reacting. I thought like, that probably given me the most laughs. I think that what do you say? What what about it? Did you find so funny? Um, what was it? He like tweeted something. He sub tweeted me saying like he was directly like talking about me to saying I was like an in-sell and about me too saying I was like an in-sell and he's smart enough to not give me exposure. I hate that shit, man.

Like, everybody knows. I fucking hate that place at the table denying shit where they'll obliquely refer to you. It's like this is a fucking phenomenal song. It's all over the place. Just respond to him. Just use this fucking name like a man like you're a journalist I'm you should know that that's how this works He's in the zeitgeist you have to vanguard of it. You don't control who speaks at the table

People present themselves and do it like don't don't fucking act like a gatekeeper Anthony Fantino you fuck Yeah, you ball ugly mustache to fuck. Do you agree with that? Sure yeah. I mean I'm not that mad about it. It's just like funny. Not mad enough to write a song. Yeah. Yeah I wrote a song about him. I think he was referring to that. And then in the comments, someone replied with the Ramona Flour song. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, that's who he was like someone who I was talking about. So I wrote another song about him.

He's probably heard. He's probably heard it because someone probably sent it to him, someone in his circle. But the songs, the songs I wrote about him aren't even about him, because like, I mean, I think he's gay, like, I think what he does is like just useless and stuff. But it's cool. Happy like you. You were like a different kind. On the cap, right?

Yeah. What is it that he does that you think is so cool? I think it's cool. I think it's cool that he like He's like ripping people off and he's able to like make a living off of nothing like not doing anything It is nice and important. So so the songs I write about him aren't really about him are just I write songs about people that watch him like the lyrics are like I think people that watch the needle drop are obnoxious snobs Rainwash by a median other drugs. Yeah

I think what he does is kind of cool, you know, he's just like gay like you guys are saying he's a gatekeeper He's a band guard of like Independent music and stuff. Yeah, yeah But that's like is like power is respectful, I guess it's just always turns bad fucking always even to me What is what are your parents think about this shit my mom hates pretty much everything I do So I was wondering if you had a Yeah, she wouldn't even, she wouldn't watch my doctor fill stuff. She always, every time anything gets brought up,

she always says some shit like, you know, you had other talents that you could have, I just with you, I said she's extremely nice too. She wouldn't even put his good grades up on the refrigerator. You know what, my entire childhood always aes or oes and everything, but citizenship was always unsatisfactory. Or even an S. Like, satisfactory was like,

well, what do you do when not to be getting O? Like citizenship, not as a man, bitch. If you fucking, you put me in this prison with these fucking monsters all day, you better have something better than an S in citizenship. If you're gonna fuck with my day today I'm playing sky kid right now. I'm gonna be doing it for five hours looping up in the top right Don't bother me with this fucking trash, but like every fucking report card. It was awesome nailed it. Here you go

What's this shit with citizenship? How are you treating your peers fucking poorly? I got graded for citizenship. Yeah, progress report like you when you're in elementary school. Yeah. I never had that. No, I have a feeling you're younger than we are. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, that's too bad because the Dixia, that's pretty, that's pretty, I mean, Dr. Phil, that's a pretty big deal, I think. That's pretty cool. Pretty big scalp. What does your mom think about your music? They, my parents hate it. Really? They hate it.

They want me to, I mean, like, you know, I get it. It's not like, it's not anything like useful or productive in my opinion. Yeah, too many people being like, makes people happy though. Yeah. Yeah, but, you know, how's that gonna, you know, pay the bills?

How is that like, are you making any money for real? It's not real school. Yeah, I am making money off of it though. I make more, I make more money off of doing this stuff than my retail job. I believe that. Yeah, like a lot more.

So yeah, negative xp.com. And I'm also running this label, MSG420.com. That's how I get most of my money from like merch sales. Do you do live shows? I'm about to, I've been going to open my slag. Where do you, where do you live? I moved to Georgia recently. Oh, fuck. You can play it our show, but it's all the way across the country. Yeah, open up the theater. I might, I could, I could swing by maybe. Oh, yeah. All right. Let's talk

after the show. That would be cool. cool swing on by for a few be cool opener All right, what makes you a rage man or anything else you want to say Before we he he do you want to say? Shooter I'm very proud of you and I'm really happy to see people being exposed yourself Thanks. I'm I love exposing myself to people. Yeah, very good. Lot of young men, you're exposing yourself to. Right. These truths.

He animated what was it? It was the Stacey song. The Stacey song. That was before negative XP, those, my other thing, which my parents really, really hated. Oh, they really, so you're improving. So they're coming around by the time you're dead, where I guess they're dead, they'll tolerate it. Stacy, was that a song about respecting women?

It was. Yeah, kind of, kind of. Kind of. I wanted to kind of put a cute spin on it because I thought it could be construed as charming. Yeah, it was a love song. I don't really do those anymore though. Maybe when the right girl comes around Yeah, you'll be in more of a loving mood Well, what makes you a rage?

It makes me a rage. Yeah, it could be anything, you know man, it makes me a rage. Yeah, it could be anything, you know, pants not coming. I don't know. I'm pretty. Yeah, I'm a pretty calm guy to be honest. I'm well worries me actually. I don't know. I'm pretty I'm pretty peaceful. I don't really like think about things that make me mad. Yeah, what's the last one's last time you got mad? Oh, I don't know. I have like really bad memory. I don't like to dwell on the past. Okay. All right.

Good policy. Good. Good. Good. I mean, some musician, man, they don't make any sense. Yeah. Think in weird ways. All right, buddy.

Thank you for calling in. That makes for having me. Hit me up. Let's talk afterwards. That would be, that would be fucking cool if you played the funeral in L. Sure. Thanks, bud. Okay, he's interesting, dude. What did you think, he? He's a very nice guy. Very nice guy for writing such hateful material. Well, you got to take your frustration somehow. I think the rest of the time he's very nice.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He is. It is beating up on imaginary archetypes is something that you're just not allowed to do. I guess. Yeah, maybe not. It's insulting so many people at once that they've got a bootamount.

It's a turd in the punch bowl. He, he, do you want to read some news? Do you want to try the pigeon one? Okay. Okay. Oh, the pigeon news. Yeah, the pigeon news. Oh, that's nice.

Well, first of all, I would like to say, it's a really good comics is birthday. Oh. So how do you birthday to him? Really good, drew the me nailing my scrotum. Scrotskin, yeah. God. That guy's comics are so funny.

I know. He's got a weird style where they just go in random directions. Nine, if you ever seen really good comics, Sean, it's nine panels and the story is never linear. It's always like a tangential every scene, but they're really funny. I have seen that They're always like square heads and stuff. I should do a book of them. I animated one of his comics as well. You did

Any who people love buying book comics My sister bought me the alien one for Christmas with aliens described human things and like pretentious terms. Ah laugh at people. Yeah. Uh, but there you go. Okay, go ahead. Hey, brokenhearted. Zeus will let you name a cockroach after your ex and watch it. Get it in. Oh, wait, is that the pigeon one? No, here, here, here. That's the pigeon one. That's the cockroach one. This one, the one with the star. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go. That's not caqro choir. This one, the one with the star. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go.

That's not a star. In Pigeon. That's the best I can do. Yeah, she's an art. She knows. She would know. I don't know what the fuck that little fucking Parkinson's scroll was that you just did.

I hear you recognize that star. Is that? Oh, yeah, the two triangles. That's good. Coronavirus. How face mask no fit, save you and order tins to know. It's a great read. Order tins to know. I'm afraid mask and not save you. Order tins to know.

Okay. You fit begin day see people day wear face masks to the place where you day work. But assurance no day say if fit protect person. Assurance? They nail the assurance, but they can't say people. Okay. Person. Person. Against coronavirus.

Not a small evidence day to show a face mask, even day work. Nah, because. Nah. Did you get the day work? Nah, because... Nah. Because they work? Nah. Nah. Nah, because face masks, no tight, you know, they cover people's eyes. And you know, fit where I'm for a long time. You need, they change face masks all day time because ones you sweat, they won't

don't finish, be that. Okay. No day offer any real protection. To protect. To protect yourself, world health organization, talk, say, a day important. yourself world health organization talk say a day important cover your mouth and nose when you days knees cover your nose and mouth when you when you days knees use tissue or your elbow okay to cover your mouth when you days knees yeah put tissue straight inside closed bin after you use them. After you use them. After you use them. Yeah. Okay. Wash your hands always with soap and or sanitizer. Huh. Some things they just can't pigeon. Yeah. I mean, something you just actually have to put out. We're a health organization. Yeah. Okay. Thank you very much. You think that's

that's a good amount of news. Yeah, that's I mean They can't talk that pigeon is always entertaining. Let's do some advice and I think using my elbow to cover my mouth Let me see here. Where's my advice? This is from Bruno BJ Johnson. Hey dick. I'm 21 years old. This came in from me last night. He says, you please help. You were helping the emergency help. Hot off the wire. I thought, oh, God, what's happened?

Yeah. What is he knocked some chick up? Right. And then, killed her. Something tells me it's getting abortion. Like, what happened here? Is it a wife trying to leave with some money and he wants to know?

You want to Scott Henderson her or something like that? Guess urgent. Guessing it's gonna be a little, yeah. Hey, Dick, I'm 21 years old, the junior in Scott Peterson. Isn't it? Oh, yes, I'm sorry, Sean. Thank you for correcting me.

I'm 21 years old, Aaron, who's Henderson? Henderson, I don't know. What murderer is Henderson? I'm 21 years old, the junior in college, a quarter Jewish, on my dad's side though, so it doesn't count. Yeah, I am too. Are you? That's exactly what I'm doing.

Yeah, on my dad's side, that's for, yeah. I'm 100% Jewish, on my mom's side. That makes me 100% Jewish. Oh, yes. There you go, can't pass it on, but that makes my nephew 100% Jewish. Someone may describe me as neuroatipical, okay? I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. It's affecting my real life relationships with women. That being said, I'm not sure if it's really Helen, I'm actually in love with since she's the one who helped Violet believe in herself. It could be either one. I've also been having dreams about murdering Brad Bird ever since Incredibles 2 came out because that movie ruined my childhood.

So in short, it's a problem that I'm still attracted to a high school girl from an animated film and I watched that I watched when I was six, currently being 21. What do I do to get her out of my brain and get me a girlfriend? I know this sounds like a joke, but I don't really have anybody else to ask.

Love the show, Bruno B.J. Johnson. It's pretty urgent. He's got an infatuation with the invisible girl with the pug nose from the Incredibles. What do you think about that, he, he silly? I think the mom's hotter. You think the mom's hotter because you get that big ass? Yeah, because she can stretch her butt and do weird things with it. Yeah, I agree with you So you're recommending a change of his focus to the mom think he's getting older and he should change his palette

Yeah, what do you think Sean? What do you think he should do? I Don't see any problems here really I don't see any problems here, really. Go ahead, you run with it. Just find a girl and slowly whittle away her self confidence until you can just make her act like Violet from the Incredibles. Is that not a normal?

I mean, everybody's pretty, women are doing that to you all the time, trying to chisel you and wear you down into what they want you to be. Their father, you just got to fight fire with fire and end up somewhere in the middle. But don't be a shame to it. It doesn't sound like a problem. You have your ideal woman here. You've just got to, you've just got to manifest it.

He does seem to know what he wants. Right. And characters are, there's obviously an element of real people in these characters. I mean, you know a million people like her. Yeah. Self-confident. That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about.

That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about. I mean, start slow and then get her to do, get her some wires, like some hanger wires and put little gloves on them so she can lay on the side of the bed

and pretend to be invisible, right? I'm doing a little hands. I promise you people are doing a theater shit then that is bad. You think he's attracted to the invisibility? I don't know, it's part of her. I'm thinking that's down the list. What do you think he's attracted to the invisibility. I don't know, it's part of her. I'm thinking that's down the list. What do you think he's attracted to?

The personality, the shyness. The shyness. You think he's got a whole shyness problem? Yeah, probably. I don't think you have a problem. Lack of, you know, he's attracted the lack of self-confidence. You just gotta find a woman who's crippled with anxiety

and fear and self-loathing. And reinforce that and reinforce it as much as possible. So she never leaves you. Get a pumpkin shell, put her inside of it. Huh, there you go. You're so awesome. Pretty impressive. Paul right there.

Dead helm, hey, Dick, it's dead helm. I have a question. Am I in the wrong if I go to a strip club? What, what? You're asking the wrong person, that, or the right one. Tuesday night, I went to a local strip club and got a lap dance from a pretty black girl, but I spent $150 for an entrance.

Whoa. What? That's way too much. The hell, 20 bucks. The hell would ever have the balls to, yeah. 100 bucks, entrance. Man, strip clubs are getting insane. That's insane.

They have completely lost sight of the magic of a strip club and the reason they don't just let you in. Yeah, it's like you have it probably have a drink minimum and you know, people are going to fucking sit in there and get drunk or and then keep throwing money all night long. Really, you got a fucking weed out, you know, nine tenths of your clientele by charging one 50 at the door. That's insane. They have been cranking up the price. They've been cranking up the entrance fees. They've been Ratcheting up the ATM fees. They've been adding more and more layers of bureaucracy onto the credit card process to keep Keep them from getting chargebacks

The women are increasingly just just there The women are increasingly telling you about their lives. They've got, I was in a strip club recently where you had to feed money into a machine to get a lap dance. They couldn't give her the money. Wow. You had to go to a thing to a change of day like looking machine, feed your bills in one by one. Is that a prostitution, you know, a buffer or something where they get like a- It's not prostitution machine.

I don't know if they don't trust the girls or they just want to make it like streamline the process, but you have to get up like a fucking chump and feed money into a revert into a vending machine and then get like a receipt, some kind of a printout to get it. A voucher. So fucked.

That's weird. They have totally lost sight of the love between a married man and a desperate woman. Yeah. Yeah, we're really taking. They've lost sight of that. We've taken the humanity out of so many transactions, haven't we? Yeah.

It's the, it's the voicemail menu of strip clubs. Elon Musk needs to, somebody needs to come in and bring it back to what it once was. Yeah. Which is some kind of a gray area that only exists because prostitution is illegal. Yeah. Because we collectively collectively, because we're collectively trying to fuck the Statue of Liberty. White nighting for desperate women everywhere. That's what, oh, oh, let me keep reading. I spent $150 for the entrance. You've got guys out there, for example, don't do that ever again. What?

Number one, this guy. Oh, I can't believe that actually could happen. And got four dances and I got chastised by my mom. And she went on for about 30 minutes. Why did you talk about how I'm irresponsible and other shit can you imagine? I can't imagine my mom. No.

I'm not for 30 minutes. Why would she know about it? Okay, buddy, let me give you some. Let me give you a little tip. You got to make a decision in your mind at this age and everybody needs to do this that it's acceptable to lie to women. You don't have to do it all the time,

but you have to flip that switch in your brain if you don't have it. Because what mom doesn't know is not gonna hurt her. Also, let's see about how I'm irresponsible and other shit. Don't tell her. Don't ever tell her these gross things that you do. She does, mom doesn't understand. Also, just sticking it in a girl count

is losing your virginity because I bought a whore and stuck it in her. Well, maybe mom might know some things after all. And I didn't get to finish because she had to cancel on me while I was in her. So I think I'm just gonna become gay and fuck dudes from now on. No, no. Your fatdest retard, Dead Helm, we started getting in her at the hotel

and the hotel office called and said if she didn't pay, they were gonna kick her out. After 30 minutes, she came back with food and one of her friends walked in after I got my clothes back on. And he had a gun in his pocket and I wasn't about to get shot over a fat bitches pussy. Wow. Also, my mom said she would kill me if I went back to the strip club.

I know it sounds like her over exaggerating, but I've never seen her so ready to kill someone than I did. Wow. What do you think about that, Sean. It's pretty wild. He's got a wild family, man. That wild family.

And the answer, I mean, he's not a virgin anymore, right? Oh, yeah. No, he's not a virgin. It doesn't matter if he finished. Yeah, that counts. Warp, paydick, been a listener since the biggest problem days. First time asking for advice, I'm 25 years old and a virgin. I used to be decent with chicks, but never sealed the deal.

Uh, and over the course of the last five years, I've lost half my hair. And the way things are looking, I'll have as much as maddocks within another five years. I tried completely shaving it all off once a while ago and it made me look even worse than when I had a giant bald spot. Would it be worth it to spend the money on a hair transplant, which might not even work on me since my hair is so far gone? Ooh, I don't even care that much about how I look.

That's obviously lie. Yeah, but as far as I see it, no girl will ever want to go out with someone who's bald and can't pull it off. Um, women believe they think we're all hideous. Yeah. They think we're all disgusting monsters. Yeah. We saw you saw the, uh, okay, Cupid. I actually were all fours and lower. Yeah. Right. They think we're all equal, they think we all either look exactly the same and we're all equally discussed. The only like nine's and tens are on the screen.

Uh huh. Who Chris the Kiwi is sending around. Yeah. Claiming that he is. So just, yeah, realize this. If you're a three and somebody else is a seven, you're the fucking same. Yeah.

Uh, I, that is, That is the camp pulling it off. Although Elon Musk with his hair plugs really looks like a different guy. Yeah. Have you seen his before shots? No, I don't think so. Okay, look at Elon Musk before his hair plugs. If you spend like a grip load of money

from what I understand, I think those hair transplants or the implants have gotten really good. Look at this fucking monster. You think this guy's going to the moon or going to Mars? Elon Musk, I can like this. Wow. You didn't know that?

Changes your whole perception of Tesla, doesn't it? Yeah. Yes. Oops, oops, oops, let's go browser, yeah. Look at this guy. He looks like a guy. Oh yeah, 20 grand, I would've thought more. 20 green from this to this. It looks like a guy. Oh, yeah, 20 grand, I would have thought more. 20 grand from this to this.

It looks like gold. He looks like a scrotum here. With spray painted on hair. I know he does. And here he looks decent. I think he could pull off the bald look though. Elon? I think if she had this little head,

he could still get it. Yeah, probably have to grow. Something you gotta balance it out. You gotta grow some facial hair or something sometimes. You have to relearn how to dress yourself if you're bald. Yeah, oh, why is that? Because if you're bald, then you kind of become,

you have to become chic, or else you're just bald. Okay, what do you mean chic? Like you have to be able to, like, I feel like you have to become like a man art hoe if you're bald. Your clothes become your hair. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, because you're just a blank, you're just a blank canvas, right? This guy. You're just a white guy. It's interesting. Yeah. He might be, uh, he just might not know how to dress himself. So if you're bald, you have to learn the dress. And also, the shape of your head too. Well, you can't, how you can fix that. So if you're bald, you have to learn how to dress. And also the shape of your head too.

Well, how you can fix that? Because if you were bald, that would be a disaster. Me? Because I have a big dent in the middle of my head where my dad fucked my mom too late into the pregnancy. Is that what you're talking about? Your head is a giant circle. Oh, yeah.

Well, there you go. I hope that helps you, buddy. Hi, I'll feel free to read this on the show. Hey, Dick, longtime listener, new you go. I hope that helps you, buddy. I'll feel free to read this on the show. Hey, Dick, long time listener, new emailer. I've got a follow-up advice question for the quarter life crisis advice. I'm 25 and I feel a lot of pain and pressure in my life. Oh my God.

Even with drugs, to keep it simple, I feel responsible for my parents without much good reason to feel such. I feel like I haven't made it in life. I live in a city. I make $120,000, plus or minus 5,000, depending on the amount, quality of the contracts, et cetera, et cetera. Unsure if my career is at all meaningful or useful, I'm in web development. Well, that's not then. I just generally feel unsure about my life. You said that all your 20s is a crisis. I feel this is true. So if this is true, what are we 20-something supposed to do? How did you help curb this feeling? Does it get better? Can we make it better? I've

done the drinking and the drugs, both separate and together, they seem to only at best work temporarily and sometimes they make it worse. I know that this is vague, but what I feel is vague. Man, 20 somethings, the internet's just a curse for these poor people putting all these thoughts into words.

It might be, yeah. Back in the day, when you had to get a quill, go buy it, go get some ink. I worked that baby in, get a big piece of parchment to write about, to be a whiny bitch. That was a much higher barrier to entry. But now you can just fire off. I want to know the, I don't know why he feels so responsible for his parents. Did you never feel that?

Responsible for them. I had that weird feeling when I was younger. For them, as in like for their well-being, or responsibility to them. A little bit, maybe both. Like this weird, outdated idea that you should have. The two of them's to care. Well, like you're supposed to, it's on you.

Yeah. Somehow prepare for their decrepancy when you have not even started on your own. It's just like I'll lose weird overwhelming feeling. Yeah, you didn't have that? Well, I didn't, my parents are still better off than me. I mean, I can relate to some of that, but you have to learn that that's, your parents are responsible for themselves.

Yeah, and they deserve to have that. That's worse, however they do get. Whatever they have done or not done, that's not your responsibility. Yeah, it just isn't. I think the Fed will take care of them. They'll be all right. I understand this guy though.

You got to just don't put it in writing, or do make songs like the lovely negative XP. All right everybody, this is from the Dix show. I do voice mail, it's patreon.com slash the Dix show. See you next Tuesday, get tickets for a rage ticket, start the Dix show.com. I'm missing anything else. I'll send some stuff in info about the pine classes.

He's in the night test. He's in the night test. No. No. Okay, thank you for about the pine classes. He'd end up in the knife test. No. No. Okay, thank you for reading the news today. Have you had anything you want to plug? No. Does anything make you rage this week at all? I think I touched on this the other,

I think I touched on this the other week. What was that? I've been thinking a lot about this. Oh, it was before I was born. I don't know, it was before I was born. Oh yeah. That kind of shit. I don't know, it was before I was born.

Some things are, yeah, some things are fucking important. I don't know, I think I was, I had a better one the other day, I think, where I was like, I should probably bring that up, but yeah. I hate that shit. Like, you know, some things you should just fucking know. Don't be so proud, don't be so proud of being completely ignorant of things that occurred before you were born. It might actually like help you out.

How many times have you said the phrase, it was before I was born? Let's pull up the iTunes of your brain and see, how many times have you used this joke to deflect from your ignorance? Yeah, true. True. It's a very, it's a minor annoyance.

I wouldn't call it a rage of mine, but it's just like, yeah, some things, some things you should know. And then there's a hierarchy of those. Yeah. But, you know, if you say like, oh, nothing about Abraham Lincoln, I don't know before I was fucking born.

And it's like, what are you gonna use in your day life? It just don't be so fucking ignorant. Did I tell anybody they could call in? Anybody in there? Oh God, that's right. Okay, peerless support. Hey, peerless support, are you here?

Oh, yes. Can you hear me? Yeah, let me read your email. If, unless you have it on you, I can't look at any of you. I'm not asking anymore. Isn't doesn't he look at roaches? Yeah, crazy.

Without hairplugs. No idea. I try to look at as little of Elon Musk as possible. I know, but bad news for you, Sean. You're gonna see him forever. I know. This is what you said. Hey, Dick, this email isn't meant to be read.

Avid Dick Show listener since the biggest problem. And this week's show, the part about your comedy career, really struck a nerve with me. I'm 19 in a freshman in college, and I've really been struggling with finding a purpose in life. Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. On to the point, you can do lip service. Uh, people have been, people are busy,

and they've been arguably more important to do. That's why I want to pitch a reboot of the biggest problem in the universe to you. Ooh, that's right. And you are, you were want to pitch a reboot of the biggest problem in the universe to you. That's right. And you are, you are want to be involved in what capacity? I would want to co-host this podcast. Okay. Let's hear it.

What is the, what is the biggest problem in the universe? It's an elevator pitch. Yeah. The biggest problem in the universe is not enough people doing cool shit these days. Okay. the universe is not enough people doing cool shit these days. I see a bunch of people like just going about their day to day routine with not much going on in their lives and I planned to buck that trend. That was sort of me for a little bit. I figured I got to know how and I got the drive to be the person that go host the biggest problem with.

But your problem is not enough people doing cool shit? Exactly. That has a huge problem. What would be cool to you? That 98% of people, and that that's a fake statistic, but 98% of people are just going about and they don't have much plan with their lives or going living day to day. Yeah, what would be cool?

What would be cool? What do you want them to do? Doing cool shit just it basically entails like following a passion that they may have like be right now with me calling in Yeah, doing a podcast Them going out and doing something they're interested in and that's cool for them or somebody people in their lives Man, who two people following the dreams. I really wish everybody would just stay the fuck home and stop doing anything. I'll tell you, you can have all the advances. I'll go back to living in a cave if I could just get everybody to stop fucking around.

Guys, it's very annoying. Well, I don't, I hope I'm not being annoying in my pitch right here. I'm being, you know, moderately serious, I don't I hope I'm not being annoying in my pitch right here. I'm being you know, moderately serious I think you're yeah, I thought but your problem is multiple people like you're not talking about just yourself, right? I'm talking about everyone it would benefit everyone to go out and try and follow a passion in their spare time Why Honestly why Why? Honestly, why? Because like a lot of people just have no,

they have no direction in their lifetime. Like they have no direction on where they want to go. Yeah. Well, what do you think, Sean? I don't know. Is this rebutable? Is this banter rebutable for the series? Well, I don't know.

I mean, you did immediately, Argyz. I'm just extremely nervous on the mic right now. Oh, well, that's not gonna work. All right, you think I'm like, it's easier. We'll see what Reddit thinks, but I'm gonna place some voice mails now, all right, man? I wish more people would do. I don't apologize, I like your gumption.

Yes. You went through it. You're so much better. Yeah, that's my pit. That's why I think you're I got it because I have the the ability to go up with it. I have the ability to go up and just do it. You know what I mean? Yeah, I can tell it. I can see right now. I think you're doing all right. You've got a good problem. I want people. You got to do the whole thing though. I go voted up.

You got to really sell it to people. I apologize. I hate my- Don't do that. Maddox never did that. I want to- Oh no, no, no, no. Yeah.

Always double down. Absolutely. All right, well, you got to do the intro too then. Are you prepared to do that? I am not. Oh, Sean! What do you want to take a? I am not. Oh, Sean! What do you want to take a minute and put it together? The intro, you mean the old intro?

Yes! Well, is it that's essential to the show? Yeah. A to A. Do you want to prepare for that and then give it a shot in a second? We can wait. I can't give you the intro. I'm ready.

No, you have to do it. That was Maddox's shot. Oh, okay. You remember. Yeah. You got your sound effects buzzer ready? Yeah, you have your buzzer ready? I have to sound effect buzzer ready. What are we talking about here? Yeah, I don't know. Can you read? Maddox couldn't read. I bet he can read better than... Nah, that's not going to work. Yeah, I could probably read better than a medic.

So I just got and see some to read. Give me an ad read or something like that. Oh, we don't do ads. Okay, no, I can give you an ad read. Hold on, let's see. Let me pull up an old ad read. Well, we would do ad reads on the read. This episode of the biggest problem in the universe

is brought to you by the biggest problem in the universe. I don't know. I don't think it was ever written down. What the average? Yeah, because I always did them. Oh, I guess you did. I did them. You gotta do just the show intro.

Yeah. Do introduce the show and then that's it. Then we gotta listen to voicemail. Try it, give it a shot. Hey, welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I am Ryan, he's Dick Masterson, and we're gonna rank all the problems in the universe. I am Ryan, he's Dick Masterson, and we're going to rank all the problems in the universe from ants to aids. Okay. Make sure to go vote up the problem that I present

on the website. I mean, what do you think? 10 times the energy of the first intro by Maddox, right? Yeah, I guess I didn't explain the episodes were kind of understated and that it became it that it sort of got it got its lay this shows always get there they become their own thing. Yeah. All right. All right. We're going to listen to voice bells, buddy. Let's see what people think though.

I appreciate you calling. I appreciate you so much. I was petrified to do this. So I mean, it was I'm glad to have been on in the first place. You know what I mean? I know. Everything's a bonus. Yeah, I'll see you buddy. Good. I take care. I'm gonna stay you two. Ballsy kid.

19. Okay, this has been the Dix show. See you next Tuesday. This is oh, this is a cello cover of the theme song by Mindless Fudge that was for Waterboy's birthday. Cool. Look at this dude. Dude, cello with a do-rag. Yeah! That's punk cello, man. Oh yeah, man. Fuck you. This ain't your daddy's cello. Here you go. See you next Tuesday. Oh man.

I love the cello. It's beautiful. So much power. Yeah, better than a double bass. Well, don't just play the joke. I love the range. I love the range that a cello covers. Yeah Touch violence too fruity Violence woman's instrument It's a fiddle

Just something to fiddle around with cellos man's world. Alright, there you go I want you to when I when you tie my shoelaces together and throw my corpse over the phone lines, I want that song to be playing. Yeah, that's my only request for my song. Sombra enough for the, I'll remember that. Thank you. I mean, I just have a feeling

you're not gonna make it that long, so I'll have to remember this. What do you mean? I'm just fucking with you. I'm gonna live forever. That's what I'm afraid of too. Yeah, I'll have to remember this. What do you mean? I'm just fucking with you. I'm gonna live forever. That's what I'm afraid of too. Yeah. I don't know what's worse.

Him living to a hundred or, you know, him dying at 45. Forever. Yeah, this heart's got hundreds of years left. Yeah, it might. I'm gonna see 2100. I'm gonna see 2200 actually. I promise you that. Cause I'm like see 2200 actually. I promise you that. Because I'm like I could just whoever takes whatever happens to this country when it falls,

I could just blend into the next one. Yeah, I wouldn't even exist. Decepticons come to the earth. I'm your guy. Yep. Right here. I'll hook you up. I know exactly what these guys, we hit them when they're on the toilet. They can't do shit. That's all you got to do. Send some hit them when they're on the toilet. They can't do shit. That's all you gotta do. Send some little robots in there when then the toilet. Bop right up to the top of the head. They're terrified of it, but they can't help it.

They got a shit. Everybody on this plane is shit. That's where you get them. Yep. I'm your man. Just don't do it to me. Catch them in the crapper. And then I'll backstab them.

Right as well. By getting them during their oil changes. Yep. Right. Soon as I know, they're like, all right, Well this guy has pretty good pretty good this pretty good head on this guy I guess we could trust him mm-hmm. Nope. I'll get you guys next all your hydraulic lines You'll be fucked to be fuck crippled rest. Yeah, okay. Here we go Hey, Jake I'm just watching a tick on exposure and you're in the middle of talking about lids and women.

And the big thing of that is the reason is that not that they can't put the lid on is that they can't take the lid off. I know that it's a fucking cliche, but it's true. Yeah, they have put it on lightly so they can't do it. I have been talking to the same thing with buckets because I'm a Friday cleaner. And the big thing of that is I left a Friday cleaner and the thing of that is I left a bunch of buckets for this woman, dump out the fire. She calls back, I don't have enough buckets.

What do you mean? I gave you plenty. Stacked. Tilling them up a quarter because she couldn't carry them. Okay. And it's the exact same thing with Liz. They can't do it. So I know I'm going to have half of it. So I know I can get the lid off. I know I can carry the bucket. Is that true?

Is that true? Is that why you guys don't put lids on? Because you don't want to, you're afraid of having to take them off? I literally did that last night and I was entirely aware that I was doing it. I fed the fish and then I put the lid on diagonally and I went and did the thumbnail. Oh my God. I'm frustrating that it does. Nobody's touching the fish food but me, so. Yeah, but key. That's an assumption. That's an assumption. Anything, what if somebody accidentally urps and knocks it up? Yeah, and it knocks all the fish food in there and they get fat. Well, then I don't care. I love obese animals and people.

You see what it is? You can't make them do it! Everybody's trying to get to 170. Jesus. Hey, Dick. You know what makes me a rage? My own inability to throw out shitty gifts that people give me. Today I'll clean my house

and i got this fucking pink grapefruit sparkling italian soda that's sitting on my shelf for good and i finally dumped it out and i'll be easy to blame the people give me the gift you know all all of a sudden italian showdown you know what people get to get

it's my fault. Whenever someone gives me a shitty gift, I should throw it directly in the trash. Right in front of them. Yeah. That's a nude Christmas tradition. After the opening of the presents, you just, everybody walks outside and dumps the ones they don't want in the trash. Well, this is shit.

Thanks for the Italian soda. Smash. Blood orange next time. That's a little rule. Yeah. I gotta keep this Italian soda around. What if like, what if a woman comes over and she is in the mood for an Italian soda and I'm just here with a ginger ale in my dick in my hand?

That's not gonna fly. I gotta be prepared like Batman to bust out Italian sodas. Mama Mia, here you go. I can't throw this away. They put all this thought into it. Well, some gifts are that stupid, in which case that should have probably been.

Should have, you know, you should have, should have drunk it or, you know, throw it two years. It's disgusting. Just get, we just go, oh yeah, I'll drink that. And then when if you see it in the fridge after a week, you're like, I'm never gonna drink that. Just throw it out.

Is that how you run your life? You just make split decisions like that all day? I'm gonna throw out a, you're deleting an Italian soda. When it comes to that? Yeah, unbelievable. I can't do that. You know why? Because it pisses me off that it's taking up room

in the fridge. Yeah. And other shifts like, damn it. Is this fucking, it's laying down in the back back there. You know, it's in glass, but it's, it's playing out. It's like, why would this fucking shit push back? I just choose, I just choose, I just choose not to look in the fridge anymore.

Like, it gets to the point where it's so bad, I'll ignore shelves, I'll just open it to crack and just grab it sideways. Yeah. I do, I have that secording thing. Yeah. I can't, I'll start losing rooms. I do it to kind of everything just like okay well because

This is just taping this off and there's still two more bathrooms. All right. Don't need to worry about that one Hey, dick. This is what makes me a rage It's when you're watching a good porn and you get for the money shot and you just the guy fucking this is her face It's just like he shoots like two ropes and it goes like over her fucking head. It's like what the fuck are you doing? Did your mom not teach you to aim when you were a kid? What are you doing, man?

This has been performing her heart out but like an hour, it's fucking fluid. You just put it up the ass, just probably high on drugs. Like all she wants is just a fucking load on her face and you just want to what what the fuck is the file the angel it's just it's so frustrating it's like it's like I wish I did not jerk off when when that happens it's just such a way yeah it is a way it is a fucking idiot how you think of your boyfriend while you're what are you doing it like what

yeah what are you thinking about your boyfriend? Is that why? It's when, what's your seem in allergic to? It just goes over her head. Polarized. It's so fucking annoying. It's like, well, now you fucked up her hair. Like then you get it in their hair too much. Like I can hear her complaining about this shit already.

Not erotic. Not erotic at all. Yeah. All you gotta do, you've been doing it your whole life. You can't, and why is it on the internet then? How do we have so many thousands of Yoda bites of pornography that the missing money shot ones cannot somehow be filtered out before it's too late? How is this constant delusia of pornography not under some kind of quality control.

Money shot, oh, this is fucking warning, warning, this is a very unsatisfying money shot. Categorize it as- Yeah, right. Basically, building a shrine to mediocrity. Yeah. Where you gotta go, you gotta go skip, you gotta skip forward five minutes to see if there's a big face full of jizz. Like all right, saddest,

you gotta spoil the own ending for yourself and then go back and start over. Yeah, it's like reading the last page of a novel. Yeah, is this a downer of that? Anything or what? Yeah, I wanna know if I wanna read this. Okay, now I can read it, but now I can just, I can't enjoy it

because I can just see the money shot. Mm-hmm. It's really hard to get off. It's pants that won't stop wishing. You have more material than ever, but you got to sift through more bullshit material than ever. Exactly. Just give me one good one. It's all we need. I need an artificial intelligence to just design me the perfect pornography with violet

from the Incredibles, getting a big facelot of jizz. It's hard to live in the stay-in-age dick. It really is. It's never been harder. No, it's never been harder. This seems like it might be a fun. Hey, Nick, I was going on Reddit today, and I found this German dude who tried to sell out a map of the United States, and just failed miserably. And I ended up creating an inadvertent expansion pack to your war games question. Just throw down a map of the United States, our country for safe country and see what your girlfriend thinks different states are. Oh yeah, people failed miserably I thought that New York was made. Yeah.

Led with a lead with a pretty tough obscure state. You know, I mean, New York. What's next? What other brain buster? Are you gonna? Yeah. Let's see. Georgia was canvas. Oh, okay. That's missing that She could not tell the difference between Indiana and Ohio Well, okay, absolutely madness You really got Florida, but then said that Oklahoma was right next to it Yeah, and when I asked her why she said oh because Andrew Jackson forced all the people out of Florida into Oklahoma That's the trail of tears

They look at the next door to each other. Oh, no, no, I was part of the problem So yeah, new station pack for your game that I think you should give a shot because It can be real fun. Talk to you guys later. You know what? The States are the, yeah, I think a lot of people would fail miserably on certain, on some states. But yeah, I have a sinking feeling.

I'm able to turn this into something real. Okay. I have a sinking feeling that if you gave your girl, wife or girlfriend a map out of the US and told her only to identify New York, Florida, Texas, California, and Alaska that you would get some very funny answers. No, that's great. That's great. You should be ape.

What do you think, he? Wait, what? Do you think that you're wife or girlfriend could identify those five states on a map reliably? Which states? Florida, Texas, the big ones, New York, California, Alaska. So, the only ones I think anybody can identify. And okay, that's how I know it's good. And if they can't, yeah.

And if they can't, then it's served to be made fun of. Try it. Somebody try it. It's be made fun of. Yeah. Try it. Somebody try it. It prints out a map and just have a right. Don't do anything weird, because you can't do the weird ones, not you, but nobody can do the weird ones. They all look like squares.

Okay. Hey, here's what makes me fucking rage. Politeness, comedians. You probably know what I'm talking about. It's the people that, when they have have to say bless you more than once when somebody sneezes, they're like, Oh, oh, this you a second time. Oh, I only have so many blessings to give. I'm not going to do it again.

Fucking crazy. This is exactly what a rage should be. Yeah. That is a perfect example. That's, that is, that is a classic rage, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, that's Only got so many of that. Yeah. Well done. That is that is perfectly acceptable to get totally pissed off about I Love it

People as you oh you will miss out a second time. Yeah, no. I didn't want it the first time. Right. You don't ever think it, I think is what you're saying. Don't inflict your God on me. I'll pay you to not. Here you go. Hey, what's up, guys? What's up, man?

So, all right, this is what makes me a rage. Triple A batteries. Triple A batteries. Going like remote controls sometimes. You never have them, ever. Yeah. You only have double A's. Yeah, if you have any batteries, you'll have double A batteries. Going like remote controls sometimes. You never have them ever. Yeah. You always have double A's. Yeah.

If you have any batteries, you'll have double A's. Maybe nine volts. But whenever you need triple A's, you never have them. Right. Why? That's a ruthless. I have so many things that... So many things I need to change batteries for.

I always have a bunch of double A's, a double A's, a double A's, and the things that need triple a's, I'm like, you could, you could just make this to have double a's just make it a little bigger. Yeah, I'm an engineer. I know about that. I always need triple a's. I'll give you both a's. Get it right. You double a batteries at hand at all times. I never have to use any of them. The only batteries I ever fucking need are triple A's. But there's a real more triple A's to be found. Yeah. On H triple A's. How many things can you just make? This guy bull bigger's probably has a lot of

vibrators. Or they take triple A's because of the things. Make the doublet a little bigger. So things that would need two triple A's only need one double A. I don't know I think triple a's not have old It looks like a better stock Yeah, the only thing I routinely Change my battery and is like a mouse. It's just two double a's yeah every time You don't have yourself that you don't find yourself in a birth of triple a batteries no throughout life Man, I know that needing triple a's, like toys as like a kid or something,

or like old school remote controls. I'm always so frustrating. Like, damn, triple, fucking, oh no problem. I got this one, double A, slap, slap, slap, pop it open. Fucking AAAs, yet again. No shit. God damn it. Yeah.

They don't come across to me in AAAs. Here's the move. When you go to somebody else's house, find their battery drawer. If they have any AAAs, just grab a couple of your boxes. To grab the whole pack. It's up to you. Guitar stomp boxes need nine volts, usually. Oh, I don't even want to talk about nine volts batteries.

Nine volts are stressful. Well, those are smoke detectors, you know, carbon monoxide detectors. That's the move. If you see a AAA battery, you take it. They should have locked it up before you got there. I should have tied it for us today. I'd tied it to the drawer like a pen to a counter or something to be able to walk off with.

I hide all mine in the sink. I got a big bucket full of them because I got so angry at never having AAA batteries. My bathroom scale takes AAAs and I wondered why they made that decision. So I really like weighing myself. You do. So it runs out of batteries really fast.

Because they're evil. Yeah. That's why they did that. That's why they put triple A's on it. Oh, yeah, this is all man. Hey, Dick, I have an impromptu rate for you. Okay. I'm right now.

I get enough work and I have to think this on the fly. Okay. I fucking hate it when girls Say the ugliest one in their friend group is pretty. Yeah, check out even not like they want to check out Oh, she has a great personality or something. No, it's like no, she's beautiful as she just like she just looks like fucking shrek or like like she just looks like fucking Shrek or like like Shrek. I'm full-kyed or from Lord of the Rings. Oh, wow. That is like the bad. Because they're not threatened by her in any way.

And hang out with it like a beast fucking meatball with legs. And it's so ugly. It's so ugly. They insist that she looks gorgeous. They obviously are lying because they are, they know they have eyes. They know the girl is ugly they don't they just insist and I know it's just like a high school age or like college race no it never stops it doesn't stop it doesn't because never because if you listen to

women umat them and it's the most beautiful woman on earth oh god I cannot understand it's like just every time you know who's you know who's hot like this don't, please don't. No, because you don't know who's hot. I'll tell you who's hot. It doesn't stop. You don't think she's hot? In fact, it's not that I think I know she's not,

because I have a dick. Right, that's been figuring out what's hot and not for millions of years. That's right. That's exactly. You don't of years. That's right. That's exactly. You don't know shit. That is exactly right. Well, society's made you blah, blah, blah. I think that like it's like, no, like, my dick knows. I don't want to fuck a pure one import catalog.

That's how I know. It's not. That's how I know you don't know what the difference is. You know, I might know it's aesthetically pleasing. It's not your friend. Nothing about that is pleasing. You don't know. Agree with you, sir. It doesn't go away. One more, you wanna do one more? Well, two more.

We got DP and Andrew from Eugene, Oregon. Mm-hmm. Hey, there, Kasha. It was about DP. What's up? Next, me, a rage is the noise that turns into flakes. I'm convinced that if it didn't make that God-opposite noise all the time, and if they didn't make it so loud that no matter what is going on in the car, you can hear it.

Yeah. More people would use it. I think they're great at anything. I hate the noise. A lot of times, especially if I'm listening to a book or something, I won't use it because I would rather feel to hear my book than let other people know what's going on. I've taken my cars to auto places and I've always said, hey, how do I mute this? And they've always said the same thing.

That's the sound of the real life. There's nothing you can do about it. It's actually the actuation that makes it make that sound. So imagine my surprise when I'm sitting in my vehicle with my hazards on and that literally stops. Yeah. And I look in front of me and I can see the reflection mid-blakers are still working. But that clicking noise has gone.

It's gone. Which made me realize that all these years, it was added. It's like the smell. It's just, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's a bad smell. It's a bad smell. And there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no,

it's a bad smell. And gas, oh, he needs neutral gas, right? Yeah, I have to deal with that clicking noise. For nothing. Yeah. Yeah, that's what makes me a rage. Jesus. Jesus, flick. Can I have a life that's been a lie?

Can my car have like an adult mode thing? Like I understand the flicking thing. I can see the flashing light. I know whether it's on or not. And I, in fact, don't need to know because when I'm done turning, it turns off automatically. Yes. can you just can you just give me some control over this thing that i paid this much for

please uh... ok last one just heard that last one i don't think you understand what i think i don't think i understand what i think but uh... when i said i don't know what people take you seriously i mean i don't get what people don't get you satire uh... things

oftentimes it shouldn't be at the same value yeah and i want to be with these people maybe you should think about it a little bit more because maybe dick it's a professional and uh... isn't just saying the shit about thinking about it off the couch no well no he's not happening that's best that's what it that's what is the best way to find truth, I think.

Did I miss anybody in the chat in here? I think Riley's coming to the funeral. Oh yeah, yeah. He here, are you gonna come? Popular guy to the road rage funeral. Maybe. You could be enticed. Okay, I'll work on it.

Maybe Riley should be the funeral director. People will hate him, won't they? He's dead though. Yeah. I mean, he's meant's going so. Oh, meant's going? Yeah, that's gonna be good. Yeah, her parents have not stopped.

Oh, I'm sure. They're withholding a will from her now. No, her, yeah. I said, fucking mind bottling. No, our parents are nuts. You can tell normal, normal parents, well, adjust, they don't write emails like they don't take, they don't, they don't go from zero to ten. It constantly, yeah, for no reason. They have no idea how to deal. I said, you're my dick! I said, you're my dick! Why are you, I said, you're my dick!

Who's repelling this much? Just like having a nice little, repelling this much. Just like having a nice little, and I think what happened was a lot of people were freaking out on you or him or anything like that because they've had much better upbringings probably. Oh yeah. They haven't dealt with, like, it's like, no, no, no, no, that's, she must have done something crazy

to a list of these kind of responses, like, no, not necessarily at all. like no not necessarily at all never not necessarily at all You find me you find me the first kid who was yelled at enough to not do drugs You show me show me this evidence where this is worked where a parent has Screamed enough at their kid to make them not do whatever bad thing they're imagining that they would do like You know you put it on any fucking drugs in my house. Like, oh, how'd that go? Did it work? Did that work out for you?

All right. Yeah, maybe they'll be funny to have Riley be the funeral director getting up there, you know? Why not? Getting the eulogies going? Why not? People just hate his smug ass. Ha ha ha ha.

He gets so smug. Ah ha ha ha ha. They're a little tag team online now. I think it smug. Ah. Ah. They're a little tag team online. No. Yeah. I think it's charming. Yeah. I think young people being in love and doing stupid shit is charming. But that's probably just because I'm old.

Maybe. Yeah. Not everyone finds it charming. No. You know? No. Like, oh, this is great. Look at all these dumb things. I know some people, like, some people will go, like with an attitude, no, like, oh, this is great. Look at all these dumb things. Well, I know some people will go, like with an attitude,

like he has, they go, that guy shouldn't feel so good about himself. Right, right, that's it. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. That fuck, what do you feel? Why do you feel like you're okay? Because you're not okay.

Because you're not. I'm not okay and I'm better than you and I don't feel as good as you appear to feel. Uh huh. Yeah, I think you nailed it. A lot of that. All right, goodbye, goodbye. See ya.

All right, thank you.