The Dick Show - Episode 22 – Dick on Voting

Episode Date: November 1, 2016

Download the MP3 DickTales, the curse of a home pool table, boob scams, a cross-eyed race car driver, ruined shorts, Sean wants to see my cock, cigar advice from Sean’s dad, Asterios lingers, leaked concession speeches, Tom Phillips comes home, Lettuce Jones goes to prison, a debate with the Sneaky Greek, gifts, gifts, gifts, and … Continue reading "Episode 22 – Dick on Voting" The post Episode 22 – Dick on Voting appeared first on The Dick Show.

Presenting Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Take Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God or perhaps Satan gave me the ability to be louder than any mother fucker on earth. Yeah, but you just held the note right there. That's all part of it because I don't have to strain to shout. Yeah. Like I can, I'm in the middle. This is, here's a dictate for you. I was in New York with my sister and her husband and Ganyon,anyone, that this guy, this guy with a bigger forehead than mine, which they say they say that the camera ads, they extend from the

mountains, you escape from the natural history museum or something. Oh, the guy with a bigger forehead than you. Oh, I get it. Very funny. They say the camera ads 10 pounds educational, but it really, it adds an inch of forehead as well. Uh, yeah. It adds 10 years of receding hairline because since we started doing this show,

and since we started putting the feed up on patreon.com slash the dick show, you pay even a dollar, you pitch in a dollar, you get the video of the show. You don't get the live video, but you get the video of it. All I get are look at the fucking hairline, look at the hairline, look at this motherfucker's hairline,

and I didn't think I had a receding hairline until this fucking show. Like, I thought it was normal, I swear to God, I go to the mirror and my hairline looks normal. I'm talking to people and it looks normal, but then who do you trust to give you an honest assessment, random weirdos with furry and anime icons on the internet.

I'm saying that in a funny way, but that's true. Who do I believe to tell me that I have a receding hairline? Like somebody who's about to fuck me or someone who likes me, like in person or a random person on the internet. I'm going random person on the internet. Yeah, well, the hell's that noise?

It's the pipes, it's the pipes. It doesn't matter. Forget about the noise. It's the pipes and it's the pipes. It doesn't matter, forget about the noise. It's the pipes and it's the pipes in the studio. I thought it was a teapot. No, it's the pipes in the studio. It's winter time, it's becoming winter time in Southern California.

It's raining in the whole life. It's raining so everything everybody loses 50 IQ points. Everything is springing to life, pipes that haven't been used in half a year are springing to life like an old gelopy, like a Frankenstein, springing to life, pipes that haven't been used in half a year are springing to life like an old gelapi, like a Frankenstein, springing to life. So I'm at the receding hairline thing.

If you're around people that know you all the time, since it's usually like a gradual thing, then everybody just goes, oh no, it's all the drugs, lowly, you say. Yeah, yeah, he's always looked like that. But then all of a sudden, but those other people, they haven't known you for years, so they don't know where it started from. So why do they have a, it started from the top of my head, and it's been actually us seeding.

What's the reverse of receding? It's been encroaching on my eyebrows. Soon my hairline will be my entire face. It will have taken over my entire face. Benjamin Button of hair. Yes, that's my hairline. It's going from the top, and it's going to creep all the way down and start taking over

these valleys of frowning that I work up from scowling at people while I'm driving around. Like when you're driving, you're just, you have that angry, evil face on and then you realize that you got caught making that angry, evil face. Like, you look over, you glance over and and some chick looks away, and you're like, oh my God, I look like a fucking monster while I'm driving around. What's wrong with me? Well, this city will do it to you.

Anyway, I'm at Peter Lugers with my sister, her, with my brother and my sister, her husband and Ganyone. And I am just, I'm having a gay old time kicking back martinis at Peter Luger's in Brooklyn. Well, it doesn't matter. It was a big night, big night out. It is, that place is so packed with businessmen with like rich fat businessmen, like the guys from Monopoly. Like if you picture real road barons from whenever, the 1800s, that place, like if you picture a cartoon drawn by the New Yorker of a rich fat asshole who is completely bald, that's what Peter Luger is full of.

You know, and it is packed. It's like real men doing real things in Peter Luger. It's like real despicable men in the Congress of the acts and the antics of despicable capitalists, right? That's what Peter Luger's is, have you been there? I have once. You have been there once and that's what it's like. That's not wrong.

Like, it's like a bunch of Larry Flintz except more disgusting and more degenerate. That's Peter Luger's. It's great. Like one of, it was one of my favorite restaurants ever. That's always because of the ranked like top one or two steak houses in the country. I don't even remember. It was so good. I don't even remember ordering.

I think they just brought a steak. Anyway, in the middle of Peter Lugers, where this Congress of despicable men is, it's a deafening kerfuffle, a deafening chorus of har rumps, a cacophony of these boisterous men chanting and murmuring and shouting at each other, I'm so fucking loud having a normal conversation with Ganyon that my sister shushes me in the middle of a steakhouse. I'm like, are you fucking kidding? I'm that loud that I'm deafening over the Peter Luger crowd, like the 10 p.m. Saturday night fatsoes that are here shouting about how they fucked people.

I'm that loud, that's what God has done to us. So I'm telling you, if you think that that was the emptying the tank of the yeah. Coming full circle to the intro. the tank of the, yeah, coming full circle to the intro, yeah, there is a lot more, yeah, where that came from. That's that's frightening. A lot more, yeah. That's right.

Louder, louder, yeah. Hey, speaking of louder, it was like the, uh, Zarr Bomba, the largest, the largest, the largest new, new, new, new weapon, better. It had a hundred megaton capacity and they dialed it back to 50. So it wouldn't fucking envelop the entire European continent with fallout. It broke windows in Sweden. What a cool time, that day.

No shit. Just nuclear bombs. Yeah, they just dialed it back. Not all the time. So you've got an extra 50 megatons in the tank. I think, yes, I think I could shatter glass with my yes. Jesus. I really think I could find that harmonic of that glass

and zero in on it and shatter the fucking glass. Anyway, anyway, welcome to the DICK show. Well, good, yeah. One DICK, you love DICK. You need DICK, you got it. I'm your host, Dick Masterson. With me is always the show where everything's a contest. With me is always a Sean.

My audio engineer. Hey, Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? It's the show that pays Sean more than any other podcast that he is on. Point of pride and a point of shame. Pride from me personally, but a point of national shame. That's, it is true. And I've got the national election and-

I've got a little point of national. I've got a little goss that might change that too by the way. Oh boy. I'm not going to go into it this way, but I'm in this episode, but I've got a little secret in the can that might affect the amount of money you're getting paid on other podcasts that you work for, just whatever they happen to be. It's got something in reserve there, huh?

Before we get to the rage, are we all thank fucking God, thank Christ that this is the very last dick show of the election season? Oh. We are all done with this election shit. Are we not? Are we not fucking tired of it? I thought the election was already over.

Oh man. And then the FBI stepped in and went, there might be something a little more we need to check out. It's turning into a fucking far spotty. I think Trump could win. Oh, I 100% think he will win. I'm the only one still like it's I think he was done. I think he was done before that. And now it's like, maybe her corruption is too big for even the fucking feds who are so impartial. I'm sure. I don't know.

We're all so fucking tired of it. I'm so sick of being, I'm going to miss the provocative tweets. I'm going to miss the twist and turns throughout the whole election, but I am so fucking tired of being called a racist by Harvard, by Ivy League school graduates and liberal arts majors that my head's ready to fucking explode. It's just the easiest thing to say. When people don't wanna understand something, they just boil it down to the easiest thing to say,

oh, clearly, well, you're an anti-Semite. Yeah. Oh, why? Because like you don't agree with everything that Israel's done in the Gaza Strip, you know, or something like that. Well, I got some election humor. Everybody knows we've got the Asterios debate.

I'm gonna put that at the end of the show because for God's sakes, I'm glad we did it last week when Asterios was in the studio. We recorded three episodes, basically that day. The bonus episode, which you can get at patreon.com, slash the Dixia, the regular episode, which everybody fucking loved. Asterios rocketed to the top of the

rage board. I don't know if you check in on that, but those Astario's mad cucks and then my life coach now. So if you go to dick.show with the dick show.com, you can vote on who's the biggest rage. Astario's just tearing it to fuck up right now. He was, he's really good. Yeah, he is. Good guy too.

Oh, I know. Yeah, little fucking weepy talking about all of it. He's, he forgot what show he was on. Yeah, I want the hell. Everybody was into that too. Oh, I know. Yeah. A little fucking weepy talking about all of the things. He's, he forgot what show he was on. Yeah, I want the hell. Everybody was into that too. He came on pension at like 10 in the morning. Yeah, smoke and cigarettes.

Then he's talking about how to mix up this whole story about how depressed he is. People forget that he's a marketing guy. You know, of course, he's a fucking psychopath. Of course he's going to come on and talk about how hard his life is. That's his con. That's his long con. Now he's raking in the dough. Yeah, step two, step one, tell us story

about how sad you are. Step two, question mark. Step three, raking the dough. That's hysterios. That's hysterios 101. Everyone knows that. Okay, let me get to what makes me rage. You know, I didn't bring in, I didn't bring in

breast cancer awareness month again, again I missed it. Yeah, I know that pisses you off. Well, I was looking at it before the show because last year I kept threatening to bring it in because it's like a biggest problem thing. But the difference with that show in this show, I think is I was going over it before the show and kind of reading it in my head

and looking at all these stupid stats that I had prepared and I'm thinking this reads just like a fucking book report. Like, who cares? That's not your style. It's a scam. It's a fucking scam. I was like, press cancer awareness.

Oh, they exert tremendous control over the ribbon. Okay, big fucking surprise. They licensed the ribbon to cancer causing products like KFC and yeah, it's just like a scumbag organization. This is what they do. They license it to the NFL. The NFL doesn't give any of the barely any of the money to actual charity and the money to go to charity doesn't actually go to screen the type of screening that prevents breast cancer. Big fucking deal. Yeah. It's one of those things where it's so easy to believe, like it's, oh, sounds like a good cause,

breast cancer month. It's like, oh yeah, I'll make a donation, but you forget how much money is taken off of that conveyor belt before the two nickels and a dime falls off the end into the bucket that actually goes to cancer victims. I was thinking about it and it's like every mafia movie ends with everybody getting killed because they're skimming, right?

Every single fucking mafia movie. It's like, well, Pepe DiPino, Pepe the Frog, Antonio Garbanzo, he was, he was taken 500 bucks and then it goes up to Fat Ass, whole arena and he was taken 50% off the top. It's like, that's the mafia where they're skimming under the threat of death. Yeah. You understand? This is normal people. You put in a, you throw a charity into the situation where there's no threat of anything. It's all getting skimmed. Like that's, there's no different, there's no difference between mafia people and people and regular people. We're all the same underneath. We're all the same scumbag ready to start ripping off money, taking like skimming off the top.

That's what we fucking do. So you're looking, it's all the mafia, except there's no threat of anybody getting whacked and buried in the middle. That's every charity to me. Big fucking, but the whole time I'm reading over this breast cancer thing, thinking like, what, what, I didn't research this.

I just read it on some fucking article in the Atlantic. Who cares? You got a problem with breast? Go look it up. You know that they're just slapping the ribbon on the products to sell tits, right? Like the orange juice has some kind of dedication to breast cancer.

It just makes you think of tits. You look at and go like, yeah, saved, I'd love to save tits. Maybe if I saved tits, I could touch some. Throw it in the box. Well, you could throw it in the cart. You like tits as much as anyone I have ever met. More, more than any other.

More, maybe the most, put it on my tombstone. Like tits more than any human who ever lived. We're at a Dodger game. And I said, man, you are a tits guy. And you're like, it's because I'm fucking five years old. Yeah, or younger. Five years old. I'm still getting access to those babies.

Yeah, sign me up. Put me back in that. Five would be kind of weird. Yeah, it's too old. Not that it doesn't happen. Baby, baby, baby, what was that? Look who's talking. Stick my brain in like Bruce Willis and that little baby

and look who's talking. Anyway, I'm looking at this whole breast cancer awareness thing I'm thinking this doesn't make me rage at all. I don't care. I don't fucking care about these charities. What does make me rage is home pool tables. Pool tables in the home. This took a hard left.

Pool tables in the home. Okay, is it because they're never in the right size room? Sean, there doesn't exist. You could put a pool table in, there is no house big enough in the world where you can, that should be allowed to have a pool table because every, at every fucking pool table in the home, there is at least one corner, sometimes two,

sometimes three, sometimes all four. Where you hit the stick. Where you hit the fucking stick on the side of the wall. It is the stupidest baby boomer that is the cue. Yeah, you hit the butt of the cue where you have to angle your stick at like eight, 70, 80 degrees to bring it down onto the pool. My parents are trying to get rid of the one there. Like, hey, do it. Oh, yeah, if you're stick at like 80, 80 degrees to bring it down onto the pool table. My parents are trying to get rid of the one there.

Like, hey, do you? Yeah, they're forever. And nobody can fuck that. I always thought that was the craziest thing. I'm my grandparents had one. I always thought, oh man, if you have a pool table in your house, like either your rich or, yeah, or your rich. That's what my grandparents were not rich at all.

But they got a pool table. But they had a pool table. and they forced you to play it. They forced you to do that. Oh, I'm high five was more than willing to play it. It is the stupidest, status symbol among, I think it's dead. I think that was a baby boomer thing. And an insult to the game of pool where the only use of it is for children to throw pool balls around.

That's what it is. There's no, it is impossible to play a legitimate game of pool in the home because you just, all you're dealing with is like trying to carry a ladder through a fucking door, whacking the pool queue on the side of the wall. It pissed me off so much. We're like, hey, you are pulling up. No, nobody wants a pool table in the home. It is a waste of a room. That's all it is. It is the stupidest house dick. It's like putting a big penis on your house,

a pool table and you're fucking home. Yeah. Not even a backyard is big enough for a pool table. Get rid of them. They gotta be such a pan and he has to move too, right? Pool tables? Yeah. I don't even know how to move them.

You know, like you're supposed to use a piano mover? I mean, we didn't, but you know, you're supposed to use a piano mover. No, man, that was the biggest mistake we ever made too. I don't know, I felt kind of bad ass afterwards. You felt bad ass moving, stealing that old Chinese guy's daughter's. No, the fact that two of us lifted it into a truck.

Yeah. I know it wasn't upright, but Jesus. There's a lot of more bad ass if it had been a motorcycle or something like that. Not as heavy. Yeah. Anyway, that's what makes my home pool tables. You know what else makes me a rage?

All right. So I'm, it was my birthday last weekend. Oh yeah. And I got, it was 28th. 9th, 29th. I don't get that. I'm happy birthday. Yeah, close enough. It was my birthday last weekend. I'm gonna get that. Well, happy birthday. Yeah, close enough.

It was my birthday last weekend. I got the greatest present ever. I got my rosebud of a present. Let me tell you, it's a simple, this the simplest thing. Never, never would I have ever guessed that this one present would cause me such pleasure in life. Because I'm a guy who doesn't like getting presents.

Yeah. I don't know. I suspect you're kind of like this. I am like that. But when people give me a present, for usually I don't tell people it's my birthday because I don't want to present. I never say it.

My greatest birthday was, I was at the fish bar with my life coach, and it was like 11.30 at night. We've been drinking all day. We both went over there after work. And for some reason, birthdays came up or horoscopes came up, making fun of them, something like that.

My life coach says to me, well, when's your birthday, by the way? I said, it's today. And he said, holy shit, that's fucked up. Well, happy birthday. That was my greatest birthday because nothing, nothing fucking happened. Nothing fuck. The next birthday, it was the one I got kicked off of the biggest problem for episode 77. That call happened. That was the next birthday. That was the next. So that's the, that's where, that's my barometer for birthdays. Usually just, I

just, I just wanted to just want it to go away. And when, when people bring up getting presents on it, all I feel is this sense of dread. Like, fuck, I'm gonna have to react in a positive way. Like, I feel like, no matter what, no matter what reaction I give to this present I get, like the, the act of getting someone a present to me is huge. Like just the amount of work that's going,

they've thought about it, they went online, they took time out of their day, stuff I would never ask someone to do. Oh yeah. These people do, for me, for some reason, right? To celebrate a year, and then it's just, you and I are missing that part. Well, what do you mean?

Well, I just don't like getting presents. I don't want somebody, even though it's them, it makes them feel good. I don't want somebody to do that. No, me. That's what I'm talking about. I want you to not do that. I want you to take time, like take your time back.

Everybody wants whatever you were going to do. You know, like a family or whatever. Hey, well, you know, anything you need for your birthday, anything you, it's like, no, I don't need anything. No, I don't need anything. Everybody whatever you were wanting to do. You know, like a family or whatever. Hey, well, you know, anything you need for your birthday, anything, it's like, no, I don't know. I gotta credit card, I don't need anything. I don't need anything. I don't need anything.

Please, and I feel this, this overwhelming sense of dread, like I have to react in a way that will pay them back for something that is, that is unthinkable. I cannot possibly make up for the time that it cost them to get me a thing, right? Yeah, yeah. Like, because they did it out of nowhere. It's like that whole revenge thing that I always talk about.

If somebody hits you first, no matter how hard you hit them, it's not zero to one. Like zero to one, you could raise one to 10 million and you're still not hitting them as hard as they hit you, right? It's like presence. They took the presenting from zero to one. to 10 million and you're still not hitting them as hard as they hit you, right? It's like presence. They took the present thing from zero to one. How, how much, there's no amount of gratitude in the world that you could express. Yeah, so fuck them.

Yeah, fuck them, exactly. Fuck them. So it's my birthday, right? Yeah. 80s grow, has a bunch of presents and I'm like, oh, she's very thoughtful, right? I'm sure these are going to be awesome. They still have that sense of dread because Because she has a normal functional human face. Normal functional human being.

And I'm sweating bullets like I am right now. Just dreading opening these presents and having to fabricate, like even if I like it, I feel like I got to fabricate some reaction, like a child opening a print like, oh my God, this is the most amazing thing. Do you ever get surprised though? Where you're like, oh my God, that's amazing.

Let me tell you something, this is the biggest surprise I've ever gotten in my fucking life. I open present number one, and it is a pair of my own shorts that were wrapped in a box. Back from the dry cleaning. Let me tell you, let me tell you what happened in these shorts. I took the button, the button, on these shorts popped off

a long time ago. Okay. And I love these shorts, because they're right, they're above the knee. They're not too short, so you look like an asshole. But then, I mean, they're functional asshole shorts. Like, I got some shorts that I wear with an iZOD shirt and pink sunglasses and going around pretending like I walked out of the yacht club. Like I got my peen weeners team shorts, but these, what are these shorts?

Are they like, is there a pattern? No, they're just, they're just gray. They're just gray. I like gray. I'm trying to find a black, black gray with black lines and shorts. They's a little bit classy, a little bit classy. Okay. The button popped off and I really liked these shorts.

I'm like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to take these shorts to the dry cleaner and get them to fix it. I was so excited because these shorts had an extra button sewn onto the inside of the shorts. And you see these buttons your whole life. But you always either lose them, you lose the buttons or the shirt gets ruined in some other way, like the amount of work in the clothing industry that goes in to affixing extra buttons onto clothes, just in case the buttons pop off.

It always seemed like, what is it, what is it, that A word? And it always seemed like an anachronism. Is that, is that where something's out of time? Like it seems like something that maybe you needed in the 1800s when your clothes were supposed to last you your whole life. But these days they just, we get tired of them, we get sick of them and then we throw them

in the garbage because I don't want homeless people walking around where I live wearing my clothes. I throw them right in the trash, but you don't ever get to use those buttons. Not usually, not usually. Not usually, so this time I was so excited. I felt like such a grownup that I had shorts, the button popped off.

I was still digging the shorts. I was gonna take the shorts to the dry cleaner and have them take that extra button and pop it, pop it where it's supposed to be. I don't know where the first button went, but thank God, this first button was the button, the button, the button, let me tell you, was fancier than hell.

It was like a nice. Fancy than the first button? No, no, no, no, there was the same button, same button. I would also. Same button, of course it would put the same, extra button on the shorts. Fancy button, right?

Nice, big steel looking, shiny, dark, it made the shorts pop. Like it really made the shorts. It made the shorts pop. Like it really made the shorts. It made the shorts look expensive. And real expensive. It was the contrast. It sounds like sign fell or something. But it was, it was, it was why I loved the shorts.

Because they looked good, they felt good, but then that button, it was like a beautiful belt buckle. Like every man wants to hone a rodeo belt buckle. Am I wrong in that? That's a, if we have a bucket list, if there's one bucket list that could apply universally to men, it is to win a belt buckle in something. Like whatever it is. If you're, they give these stupid little trophies to people, like best salesman of the year award, you get this dumb crystal, like the shard of crystal with an etching onto it onto a plaque.

No, we want a belt buckle. I would never throw away a belt buckle that I won in Congress of something. You know what I'm saying? Replace the gold watch with a belt buckle. Yeah. With a big giant belt buckle. Like it's the size of a, of a, of a New York steak.

Just boom, right on your neck. That should be the new gold watch. Is a belt buckle. Is a belt buckle. Yeah, because we don't need watches anymore. Not really. Because you got the phone. But we need a belt buckle to hold our pants up.

So that's the thing. A giant, beautiful button in the middle of my shorts. It was lost forever, but then I had one. I had one because every time I stuck my hand in my pocket, I felt, so I go to the dry cleaner and I say, listen, I need you to take this, because what do I, I don't know how to sew. What am I gonna sew it?

I'll get string cheese out and try to, I don't have the equipment for sewing. I don't know how to do the thing on there. You make it too tight, it fucks it up. I don't know, it's a headache. I figure I'm an adult. I don't know how to do the thing on there. You make it too tight. It fucks it up. I don't know. It's a headache. I figure I'm an adult. I can take these shorts to the dry cleaner

and I could pay an expert to do this. That's what you know you're an adult, when you can pay to get something taken care of by somebody else. Because my time is worth more than this. I can look it up on DI one if it isn't. Even if it isn't.

I'm going to pass this off to somebody else. This is commerce. I'm going to generate commerce. Maybe I'll get on a first name basis with my dry cleaner. Maybe I'll be sending more stuff to the dry cleaner. Maybe this is a whole new phase in my life. Start a trend. Start a trend.

I take the shorts in and I say, listen, you motherfuckers. These are important shorts to me. I need the button put on. That's a good start. Yeah. Listen, you motherfuckers. I need this button.

I showed them. Look at this fucking button, right on the sheet. Put this button, do not try to put your own shitty button on this. Don't do that, right on the thing, don't fuck me. Use the button that's on the shorts. And if you don't, I'll burn this whole fucking laundromat now. That's what I said.

So the 75 year old woman is freaking out at this point. I was very clear about the button on my shorts and sure enough, when I go pick up the shorts, I go grab a whole bunch of stuff, like shirts, a suit that I had spilled, I monster it all over or something, I don't know, in the shorts. And I get it back.

It was yellow, that's all I know. That's all I know, is this best. It could have been paint from the center of the street. I actually don't know it was, I remember that stain on my beautiful whites anyway. I put it all in the closet and a couple months later, I see those shorts and I'm like, oh, right, I'm in the mood for some fancy shorts.

I'm gonna bust these shorts out, slap a man, get that beautiful buckle going, that big beautiful button, right? Shimmering you all over the way. That's what I'm gonna do today. I'm gonna walk around on my fancy shorts. I take the shorts out of the dry cleaning bag and I see the ugliest plastic button

that they've sewn into the shorts that is not only is it not the button that is still attached to the shorts, not only is it that, not that classy button and plastic and shitty. Does it say it is Sean? It is the same fucking color as the shorts. Oh no. It was.

There goes the contrast. Embarrassing. Does it say F-A-F on it? What's that mean? Isn't that what's on your rims? Oh no, that's FF7. You know what I found out? Yeah, F7.

Somebody on the Reddit was saying that that's actually, it's not a fast and furious license. It's actually a type of rim that's very expensive. So I was wrong again. That's just me being ignorant and running my mouth when I shouldn't have, when I should have looked it up instead, I embarrassed myself. That's funny though, because there have been seven, right? Fast and furious. Yeah, it's going to be eight of them. Anyway, it's like the fucking Friday the 13th franchise or you can imagine how This sliver in my brain of the same color plastic button shorts has been bugging me for years Every single fucking time I put these shorts on I got to look down

Every time I unzip them to look at my dick. I got to see this plastic abomination of a same colored plastic button. I open the box of my first birthday present at 80s girl, Gummy. And it is the correct button from the shorts sewn on to those shorts. Other button gone, thrown in the trash, beautiful, beautiful, dark metal button on the shorts. And she goes, yeah, I remember you complaining about these all the time. So I took them to shut you up. I don't know. It doesn't matter. It could have been just, but I swear to God, I held them and I heard angels singing to me because my shorts were finally whole again. Yeah.

It was the most amazing thing that anyone has ever done for me. It's like the prodigal button. So when you dropped it off at the dry cleaners, did they take the button off and like put it to the side or was that button still on to the shorts? But no, but it was still in there. Like that's just you know, but yes. Yes. So they took it and just ignored in there. Like that's just you know? That mother, but yes. Yes.

So they took it and just ignored it. Right. That's what they did. Anyway, it was the great, it was the greatest thing I've ever received and the feeling of relief that washed over me. I can't even explain it was like the end of citizen cane. When he finally gets his fucking slide, I'm like, oh my God, it's fixed, it's fixed forever. It's fixed forever.

Now I can finally go burn that cleaners down. Okay, I got a, well that was the first present. I didn't even open the rest. That was it, that was enough for me. Okay, I got some bits to show you. We love Asterios, right? He came in, came in last week. He came in last week and he launched a Patreon after it and it's going insane.

He's getting a ton of love on his Patreon. So I still can't believe, sorry to interrupt. Go ahead. I'm not sorry to interrupt. I do it all the time. The fans, what the dickheads, the Patreon is. The dickheads, yeah. Patreon. I can't believe that they donated more

than a thousand bucks or pledged more than a thousand bucks to get him out here. Oh, yeah. Well, that's what it was. That wasn't even to get him out here. That was just after, after he got doxed. Oh, whatever. After some asshole posted that private conversation that he was talking about last episode. This is a big difference between like going like, yeah, yeah, I support you, I support

you and then voting with your pocketbook. You know, that's impressive. It's we're in an interesting time. Yeah. Because I don't know about you, but I don't watch, I don't watch any TV. Like you couldn't pay me to watch the shit they put on television. I just watched Netflix pretty much. For me personally, like you can't, you couldn't pay me to go to see a movie

because I think they're so bad. They're so bad. They're so dumb. They're so bad. So you got guys like Asterios who are just pumping out comedy that's entertaining. I think people are just, people are turning their dollars into like micropayments

to creators that they actually enjoy. You don't need this big stupid box. Like you don't need every movie now is so watered down. And so it goes through so many different layers of control and like processing and mass marketing appeal that it's the end product is destroyed. And I really, I think there's a lot too. There's a lot of directors cuts.

Yeah, but the directors are always getting ripped out of their hands. Yeah, even then I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of the entertainment machine. I think that's got a lot to do with it. But yeah, the dickheads are fucking awesome, man. They're funding this show. They're funding a stereo, a stereo,

a comedy, to wit. Here's something the de-stereo's send in. I think you'll recognize it. Cool. I'm Tom Phillips, the newly minted associate editor at Video Game Applaiderator.biz. And here's today's scoops on today's hottest video game titles. EDIT GAMING RAPTA!

Indie Game Wrap-Up. Everyone's favorite wall crawlers back in another Spider-Man game that's literally the title of the game, another Spider-Man game. He did up-get-dump fanboy FUTZ, it's got Spider-Man in it. What if we promised it'd be like Grand Theft Auto 5 but with Spider-Man game. He did up you dumb fanboy thoughts it got Spider-Man in it What if we promised it'd be like Grand Theft Auto 5 but with Spider-Man? Huh? Huh? Sounds good right? Well, it's not gonna be good But you know you're buying this piece of shit

So just buy it and get it over with already give us your $60 and have sex with the hole in the desk Cuz you'll get more out of that than your 19 Spider-Man game. You stupid assholes God I hate you. I hate you all so much. I mean, I don't. That's just what the press releases. Yeah. E-D-G-R-T. Yeah. In the show news, at Powerhouse Cartoon Network has announced an all-new game. Cartoon Network's credit card crunchers. Power up your favorite Cartoon Network characters with your parents

credit card. And keep it a secret from them for bonus points. The only way to stop Finn, Jake and Princess Gubblegum from dying horribly is to be a pat, a paypal that is, so make a paypal account with your parents' checkbook and save the land of OOO! I would play this game if I hadn't wasted my money on all that dolphin sex. E-D-G-E-R-T What the hell is that mean? Dolphin sex?

Oh man, I don't know. Maybe you can have sex with Dolphin. Did you ever play video games when you were a mean? Dolphin sex. I don't know. Maybe you can have sex with Dolphin. Did you ever play video games when you were a kid? A little bit. You did? Yeah, a little bit. What game did you play? Like, Mavis Beacon teaches typing?

What kind of games does Sean play? Yeah, just like original NES. Okay. Like the Mario Brothers. Yeah. Mario Brothers. Punch out. Oh, punch out.

I like punch out. You like that a lot? I couldn't, how far did you get in punch out. I like punch out. Punch out was a good game. I couldn't, how far did you get in punch out? Did you ever beat the game? I could never beat Tyson. I just, I would get just give up. Yeah, I could only get to, I think I got to soda pop in ski.

Oh, he's way back though. Oh, he's, yeah, I did a pretty good job. Yeah, I mean, you got, I got pretty far, pretty far, pretty far. Yeah, it could have been in contender, but I didn't, I only beat that. I think the one before him, before Tyson is a macho man or something, he does it like Twister, like, yeah, whirlwind punch. Yeah. I only beat him once and got to Tyson.

You got to Tyson, I got to Tyson. Yeah, I got to Tyson with that stupid code. Oh, yeah, I remember how I tried to fight Tyson with a stupid code. Just switch to, yeah, he'd just keep going. I never felt so humiliated before or after that. Like I've never felt so out of my element as trying to fight Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's punch out. I've seen him beaten.

I mean, I had friends who could beat him, but I just never, I wasn't that dedicated. Like I watch, I watch Lang Lang play those piano concertos and I kind of think like, eh, that would be tough, but I could probably work and get a little better and do a decent job, but watching somebody play Mike Tyson and Mike Tyson's punch out, I think I could never do that. That's impossible, okay, here's more video game stuff. Csiders are back, and they're leaping between universes

and the all-new Next Gen console game, dark sliders. Don't worry, none of the universes they're leaping between are so different that it would cost a lot of money to portray this difference in the visual media. And it's always like, oh, one of the Dark Sliders is like the president in this universe or something, because what is that? That's like an oval office set, that's a situation room set, that's pretty cheap. We could do that.

I mean, maybe one of them's Hitler in this universe. You know, we can redress the situation room as Hitler's bunkers. It's like a twilight zone. That's the way to kind of get to uses out of that set. of them's Hitler in this universe. You know, we can redress the situation room as Hitler's bunkers. It's like the twilight zone. We have to go away to kind of get to use his out of the set. And you know, if we sent one of them to a kind of mental techno prison, well, that's just like a all white backdrop.

That's cheap as shit. Wow, am I really having a fake production meeting about the Fox TV show Sliders right now? I have got to stop eating weed candies from strange girls dressed like Arizona iced tea cans at Halloween parties. EDGE RATO Don't waste big play with the links.

One more. Sony Interactive is finally releasing a follow-up to the last Guardian entitled The Third to Last Guardian. You play a young boy who must protect a hauntingly beautiful dragon-like guardian. But if the Guardian dies, it's not a big deal, because there's two guardians left. So get out there and just be really reckless with your guardian. Make it have unprotected sex with gigantic dragon hokers. Set him across a busy freeway to get you McDonald's,

even though he can just fly over the freeway, because he's dragon. Taking a Vegas, threaten the pitboss, and have him figure it out. We've got two whole guardians left. Let's just be a bunch of really disgusting fucks with our guardians. EG RAT! All right, thank you. I got a couple more of those to play later on in the show. Let's do some erstwhile on Dick's stuff. I got comments, I got big news for us.

We are moving to a studio. You're kidding. Oh, yeah, we got a studio. We don't get to move in for maybe two or three weeks. Is there parking? Bro. Say goodbye to Hollywood. Oh, thank you, Holly.

We are leaving Hollywood. There is more parking than you can dream of. Really? You could bring an RV to this studio. Maybe I will. Sean, we're going, we're going. We've moved from an asshole's bedroom to an asshole's living room. Now we are moving to a, it looks like Buffalo Bill's basement right now.

But we're gonna do some work on this fucking studio and we are moving on up. It's like a well. It's like a well where women are starved and then harvested for their skin. It is fingernails. They're scratching the wall. They're scratching the wall,

but we are moving into a for real studio. Sweet. Let's see. I got a bunch. Let me read some comments first before I got to these presents. People sent in some awesome shit. Here we go. Reisterios.

It just came in like, H. Haysia Shapalos says, this is what you can look forward to if you're on the stream on the Dixho. He says of Asterios. Someone's been burgling hamburgers. It's nice of him. Chaos Cowboys says I can see why he has so much self-hage. Jesus Christ. Johnson Brown's talking about Mad Cux.

I think what makes his calls awesome is the disparity between his voice and his deceptively quick wit. I really do love that guy. He's so quick. He's very quick and always accurate. Yeah. I know it sounds like a stupid idiot.

Yeah, it sounds pretty good. Let's see, Zach Owen, we got a first news baby in last week. I have another one on next week. Yeah. What did you think of her? How did that one go? Well, you know what? I thought I went onto the internet expecting to read her just getting fucking hammered

for saying I hate men, and that her ideal strip club job is just a man who sits there and gives her money, like a breathing ATM. But turns out people like the honesty. Turned out people love the honesty, and they loved her. Zach Owen didn't though.

He says, how is it the Casey Cooper dropped more bags of sand in 10 minutes than Maddox did in two years? Oh. So Chris Prado, so Casey's strip club fantasy is just men sit perfectly still and give me money. Asterios jumps in and says, that is also my fantasy. That's pretty good. Turns out the survey that she read about millennials wasn't entirely accurate, though.

Well, blame Asterios for that one, then. Yeah, because he wrote it up. Yeah, he wrote it. That's what I was incredulous. Well, it was right, but Jen ex, it turns out everybody's that stupid. Oh, really? That's the joke. Yeah.

Jen exers said the same thing. It was who died, who had more people die while they were in power. But obviously, like, baby boomers know better. Only a little bit. Dude, still like 15%. So it's the genitimaries. It's the generation before. Only actually the World War II generation knows.

They have to know. They still missed it. They still, and somebody else brought this up too. Maybe the millennials or whatever they are, the Gen Z, were just fucking around. Like if you think about it, somebody asks you a stupid question on like that on the street. I don't know.

How many people are likely to just give the dumb answer for the hell of it? Maybe a lot. No, but yeah, some will. You don't think so? No, some will. Okay, this is a pretty funny email, somebody said. You remember on the bonus episode, I was talking about,

I was talking about porn savers, and I said that you need decoy porn because you don't want to show, even if your girlfriend wants to look at porn with you, you don't want to show her your porn. You want nice safe porn. You want nice safe porn. You want normal couples porn. You don't want to throw like, you don't want to throw the weird stuff in. No.

Right away. No. Because that's going to scare her off, right? So this guy sends in Matt, what's up, dick? I just became a patronian in the bit about watching porno with your girlfriend. It's so hard. I don't know if he meant that. Is it porn or not? I literally went through this last month.

My first thought is fuck. His girlfriend asked him to watch porn together. His first thought is fuck. I can't let her see all the huge tit porn because even though she's a double D, she's also a girl and we'll get insecure. But then the next thing I notice is I've scrolled down the list and we're in the S section, fucking 10 movies, all with school

girl in the title. Now she's going to think I'm a pedophile. So I'm in panic mode and I think, what can I quickly pick that is pretty vanilla and this girl, and a girl who doesn't have huge tits? I remember downloading some My Cherry Crush ages ago. So I fired it up and straight away, what has she got on her fucking teeth braces?

Pedo confirmed. So this poor bastard is just trying to find some safe porn for him and his girlfriend and he busts out with braces, braces porn. She just sat there in silence with a stony look on her face. I managed to turn it around as though it were a deep throat scene and her competitive side got the better of her, which is actually my version of a dick tip. If you have to watch Pornow with your girlfriend, make sure it's a blow job scene

because they might pick up some tips. Keep on kicking ass. PS attaching a picture of her in her bikini, just in case you thought I was bullshit about the cans. And I'm not gonna put the picture up there, but he was right. He was telling the truth. She did have really tremendous cans.

Nice save. Yeah, Anthony says, dick I was having, you know, let's get to the presents. Let's get to these gifts. I'm open sum up here. So we've got the first one is a Trump coloring book. I can see it from here. I look, yeah, I looked in the package,

but there was no from. So if you are the person who sent the Trump coloring book, let me know so I can give you a shout-out. But in next week, I'm either going to be drunken, celebratingly coloring in this Trump coloring book, or I'm going to be crying and coloring these pictures of Trump with my tears while I eat my fucking book. Oh, man. I don't know what I wanna see more, right?

Okay, let's see. This one is from... How do you prepare a book? How do you get that down? You've got to like boil it. You got a boil it or something first, right? I don't even wanna think about it now. Turn it into a paste.

I don't even wanna fucking think about it. Little Spiracha, you hipster. Yeah. Here's one from the IRC chat, but it's enormous. And it says that it's got glass inside. Oh, okay. It's absolutely huge. So I'm going to open this up right now.

This is from the IRC boys. You can go to the dickshow.com and follow that there's a link on the side boy that tells you how to get to the IRC room. Oh my God. that there's a link on the sidebar that tells you how to get to the IRC room. Oh my God, there's a lot of packing things. Oh yeah. Those aren't going to get stepped on. Show up everywhere.

Clog up the vacuum. Start a fire. It'll be fun. You ever got something made of glass before? You think this is a bong for you? Pretty sure. You think this is my very funny. You know when I was younger and did smoke a lot of weed? Yeah. I broke a well when you were like 30 34. Oh like 17, 18. Yeah. I once broke a bong by dropping another bong on it. I remember that.

Oh my goodness. Okay. Let's see here. Jesus Christ. I have never seen more packing. Oh, shit. One of those cardboard dividers in it. Yeah Oh

Looks like something I can drink out of was it a beerstein? I think so Shit Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that's heavy. This is dick, this is mine. Oh, fucking great. I don't have to drink out of these hipster spaghetti jars anymore. That is fucking cool. And I'm guessing this one says, Sean. I get one too.

Wow, that's great, yeah man. Oh man, look at that. That's just from, this is from the IRC boys, Derek Gouley and the IRC boys. I don't know if it's just, I think it's the entire group. The entire IRC group. Thanks guys.

Look at that. It's the one place you'll find my name spelled correctly. I wonder if they debated whether or not to butcher it before getting it etched onto glass. I hope so. I would have been fine with anything. That's really funny. That is funny. Thanks guys. If they debated whether or not to butcher it before getting it etched onto glass, I hope so. I would have been fine with anything. That's really funny.

That is funny. Thanks, guys. This is a fucking serious. All right. This is also from the IRC boys. You can clean this up when we go through, right? Yeah, of course. Here we go.

Dear Dick members from the Dick Chat IRC channel collaborated to get you a birthday present. Together, we picked out several things we thought you would enjoy. Congratulations on a half a year of the Dix show and happy birthday sincerely. 688 AS, Brandon of Maximum Panic, Tumblr of Scotch, Ty Wyatt, Chris Strand, Jamie Lin Hughes, A, B, and they spelled it out phonetically so I could read it. Clash, woods, and everyone else from the dick chat. Take speaking of mispronouncing names for the Patreon subscribers, I went through and told all of them,

and did you see this? I recorded a video of me telling all 1750 of them to go fuck themselves. Really? I haven't seen it. It is the most, but you will never see somebody struggle and mispronounce names more than that video. It's fucking embarrassing. All right, this is from the dick chat, I receive. but you will never see somebody struggle and mispronounce names more than that video.

It's fucking embarrassing, all right. This is from the dick chat, I see. Oh, cool. The Ola, a cigar lounge, a traveling, oh shit, yeah. Oh, we've got four cigars in this like traveling cigar humidor. Ho ho ho! We've got four cigars in this like traveling cigar humidor. Look at that. Eastern, Eastern, oh, Eastern standard,

Dianne, that's that one. Reserve Arturo Fuente. Yep. Let's see. La, La Palina, never heard of that brand. I don't know as much as cig, as much as about cigars, as people seem to assume. I learned a lot from my dad.

He was really in the cigars for a while. Your dad gave me the only tip I've ever gotten when he came to cigars. What's that? He was helping me light it. And I was trying to draw the flame, because you know when you're smoking a cigar, you don't light the tip, you hold the flame in front of the cigar and then you pull, you

pull the, you breathe it and you inhale it or you, you pull the air through. So you pull the flame onto the tip of the cigar. That's how you light the cigar. And I was trying to do that with your dad. Well, he, I think we were at a racetrack. It was while he was sponsoring that cross-eyed race car driver. Oh, man, that guy. Oh, wait a minute, I got a song for this. Hold on, I got to play this song because I've been meaning to play it for weeks.

This is a song from Chris Strand. It's for when I tell stories in the podcast. When you've got no weekend plans and your job shit If you think your life is bland, here's a dick tip You don't need much thinking Just thought they drinkin' dick tails Woohoo! It's good! You get it? I get a belt that shits dick tails

Ask women about their shoes Get a coach to fix your life the ship's thick tails Ask women about their shoes Yeah, I'm getting a coach to fix your life It's thick tails Woo! A burning man danger lurks behind It doesn't have a bridge And a stadium is out up to find you You dodge them all and bring them man home

Dic tails Woo-hoo! Shitting your dad's underwear It's thick tails Alright Woo-hoo! That in your dad's underwear and sticktale. Alright. Woohoo! That's not by us.

That's some bear cup sticktale. Woohoo! Have your reputation ruined sticktale. Woohoo! These are getting... Yeah, that's by Chris Strand. There's the Finn songs page and the dickshow.com or dick.show. There's a lot of creative people out there.

They're amazing. So anyway, back when your dad owned that cross-eyed race car driver, he owns his accurate, is it not your father owned a racing, a stock car racing team? Uh, yeah, for like a second. Well, it was, it was enough time to live the dream. But you have to realize that NASCAR has like 30 levels. Like when people think like a NASCAR racing team, they're thinking like the ones you see on TV.

This was way down the ladder. I don't know, man. What I'm thinking in my mind is what it was, like a fucking crew of rough and tumble dudes who are like, and it was it was exactly what you would when I say you're dead owned a cross-eyed race car driving. Yeah, lazy. I shunned.

It was those those eyeballs were like tits in a porno flat like they were pointing in opposite direction. Well, his his father was reptilian. This guy. So this you think like a car racing team, you think, what was that Tom Cruise movie? Days of thunder. Days of thunder. You think like a sexy, chiseled, masculine man and like a team of, a team of his side kicks. When your dad was doing that, I remember rolling up into the pit area and waiting to see like this fireman slash Air Force

pilot slash like sexiest man alive who would be piloting this turbocharged car around and the like a guy who looked like Andy Richter with a stupid hit. He looked like fucking Randy from trailer park boys with two crooked eyes. He stumbles out of the back, still putting his track suit on. Like with his underwear, with his whitey tight pants, underpants, sticking out the back of his ass, ripping, like tugging this jump suit over his corpulence. And I'm thinking, you gotta be fun. This is your driver.

You're exactly right. That's what he looked like, right? He was a good driver. He was, then, he was a really good driver. This is your driver? You got it. You got it. Exactly right. That's what he looked like, right? He was a good driver. He was, then, he was a really good driver. We saw the most amazing race I've ever seen. And like this, it topped last two years ago's Indy 500, where the Verizon car came back from like six places to win the whole fucking race.

It was good, but this guy, this fat cross-side motherfucker came back from like 30 places in Irwindale. Did he not at the speedway? It was like he was driving with a, it was like he was driving in a video game with cheat codes. Like something happened in qualifying where he had to start way back, something fucked up and then they adjusted it. Yeah, and he was, man, he was just passing people

at will on the inside. And the problem was there were different motors you could put in those. It wasn't standard across the board. So, uh, the wrong motor was put in that car. I mean, it didn't have car. Yes, it didn't have super powered motors. It didn't have the power on the straightaways that the other cars did. But he was passing everyone. He was just due to, just due to corner. He was a progressive corner. Because dude, that guy, he was, it looked like he was just cutting people off for the hell of it.

And then the best part, after the race, he came in, I don't know what he came in like second or third or something. It got real dirty at the end. Like there was, there was, I don't know how to describe it because the cars aren't crashing together like a fucking video game. Yeah. But there's jockeying and you can see somebody playing chicken. Like you can see a game of chicken starting to be played in car racing that you, that, that

it makes you uncomfortable. Like you can feel the tension of these drivers trying to fuck the other guy off. Well, you see in at the top level, you see guys fighting. Well, I mean, I was gonna say, there's something about, you know, and these cars are going nowhere near as fast. This is the, they only ran half mile. It was a banked track. So you could get going pretty good,

but it was out in Irwindale. And it was half mile. So I mean, you're not talking like, you know, multi-mile tracks or anything like that, where you're hitting, you know, 220 miles an hour, or 210 miles an hour in these things. Well, I remember afterwards, him pulling into the pit, and he was so fucking pissed off

that he was screaming and sweating and tearing his way out of the car. As he was doing it, the guys from another pit crew came over and I remember this like clear as fucking HD. They were starting to pick on him like they were chirping like he had done something wrong that they were pissed at him for something and they were at like a five, but he jumped out of that car like a fucking Wolverine and charged them and started throwing haymakers immediately like wild cross- throwing haymakers immediately.

Like wild cross-eyed haymakers, and I looked over at your dad and I'm like, we're in a fucking pit crew fight. Like this is their guy swarmed over, our guy swarmed over and like tackled. It took six, seven guys to hold the fat guy, the cross-eyed driver back. All their driver was coming.

Their driver was like, he was kind of standing off to the side and we heard his delicate hands, but your dad's driver was coming. Their driver was like, he was kind of standing off to the side. I don't know if you heard his delicate hands, but your dad's driver was in the mix like having his own bar room braw, like the incredible Hulk. It was fucking awesome. After that, your dad split a cigar with me. And I remember trying to light it,

like spinning it around and trying to show off, because there's a lot younger and I was like, oh, I'm gonna show off that I know like some fancy stuff. I know how to smoke cigar. I'm gonna show this fucking guy. This guy wants a racing team. We're pretending to be big shots. The only racing team for exactly one year

until he figured out how expensive it was. Well, did he figure it out or did it figure out him? How expensive? It figured out him. This is the stuff that you will do when you don't have a business anymore after thinking you would have a business for a while. Well, where you run everything like a business

that you had to take over. Well, no, you try to distract yourself from the fact that your life really sucked at that point. I mean, it's the truth. He'd say as much. Oh, but when I was trying to smoke that cigar, he stopped, he pulled the lighter away and he was like, do it softer.

You're not sucking on a tit here. He said that? Yeah, he said that to me and I was like, oh, thanks, okay. And I drew it in much softer and you just go, I can't believe he said that. Yeah, I was like, that's, I've remembered it forever. Every time I light a go, I can't believe he said that. Yeah, yeah. I was like, that's, I remember it forever.

Every time I light a cigar, I think of your dad's advice, don't suck on it like you're sucking on a tit. And sure enough, yeah, that's how, yeah, you gotta get in there. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, turn it and the other thing with a cigar, not supposed to draw it too often, or not often enough,

because it needs to add a proper temperature for the flavor. And then don't ever put it out, let it go out if you don't finish it. Oh yeah, and never save it. Never. So say it's done. That you're done smoking it is fucking done. Yeah, they never they never come back right. Well shit guys, that was present number one. Let's get to present number two. All right, we've got a Donald Trump,bble head. Oh, man, this is fucking great. God, if he doesn't win, I'm going to have so much embarrassing memorabilia, Trump memorabilia around the house. This is fucking cool. Yeah, that racing thing was so awesome.

You did that. It was fun. Yeah, it was really fun. Oh, somebody Wolf Badger said light it with a match, not a lighter I was talking about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that could be true. I know it's the butane you don't want. Yeah, you know what, that's even, that is probably better. Oh, this is fucking great, man.

You decorate the new studio with this stuff. Look at that. All right, I'm gonna have to take him out of this, this thing later, I'll get some scissors. I don't mind. I did a good job on the hair. They did. He toned the hair down too.

He has a little bit, huh? Yeah. Didn't he say one time that if he's elected, he would probably slick it back? Yeah, because it takes too much time to do it. To do, oh yeah. Yeah. That's great.

That's great. Cool. Okay, let's see what else we got. Oh, wow! Milked at her. Oh my god. Oh my god. That's great. Cool. Okay, let's see what else we got. Oh, wow! Milked at her uncle's farm. Oh my god. The box said, holy shit, I'm gonna get up. I hope this book is waterproof.

I'm gonna get into this later. Oh. That's an old reference right there. Yeah. People who listen to the old book. It's a box said, there's volumes one, two, and three. Let's see a... What is this?

What is this thing? Oh, it's a... Oh, cigar chopper, all right. Fancy one, fancy cigar chopper. Fucking cool. Woo! Oh, let's see. Oh, yeah.

There you go. Very cool. Oh, man. That's heavy, that's a good one. Look at that, it's got a stop, so you don't push it into fall. Yeah, yeah, I saw that. This is really cool.

So you don't chop this cigar in half. I think Michael Jordan had to miss a game with the bowls because he cut the shit out of himself with one of these. Really? Yeah. Look at all this stuff. I know, man, I RC, it's a high energy chat room.

Is that what I think it is? I don't know What do you think it is? I don't know it looked like a humidor Oh, oh while turkey diamond anniversary whiskey amazing. I'll be drinking that in about 45 minutes. Holy shit. I think that's it from the RC guys. Thank you. So fucking mod you know classy this That's awesome. This is classy stuff. All right. One, I got one more. One more. This is dear Dick. I hope this letter finds you well and close. You will find a gift for yourself and whoever you choose to share it with. Consider it a small gesture of my appreciation for the podcast you churn out week after week. Enjoy your pal Dylan Gentry.

podcast you churn out week after week, enjoy your pal Dylan Gentry. It's a mold your own vibrating dildo kit. The body-safe silicone, the most personalized sex toy on the planet, you create a life-size vibrator from any penis, amazing detail. So I guess you cook up some silicon and then stick your own dong into it. Yeah. And then you, I guess you can use that to go fuck yourself then. Literally. Yeah. So cool.

We have the technology to do that now. That's fucking cool. I wanna see that thing made next week. You wanna see that made? No, I mean, I don't wanna win. That makes you gay. I wanna see the result. That's still gay.

You're still wanting to look at my erect penis. I just, I just, not would be your safer, right? Well, what do you mean not mine? That's what it would be in there. Who knows? Somebody's, this could be a bit. I'm not gonna put that on some random guy's dick. Tom, you're gonna be my dick.

Go take care of it. I don't want to see some random guys penis. I want to see it used. By whom? And why? Because it's a present. What do you, do I want to see it used. By whom? And why? Because it's a present. What do you want to see in the afterwards or what? I want to see how good it is.

So then you're going to have to look at his real dick also. It's a real dick by proxy. But how are you going to compare it? You ever seen a porn? I don't want to compare it to the real one. How are you going to know how good it is then? I'm just going to see if the veins are in tact. You can tell if it looks like a dick or not.

Do you wanna see it after I do it? No, I'm letting this all go. Oh, what do you mean? So it's gonna sit there. You know, if it's safe to look at my molded cock, it's gonna sit there in the box the rest of it's on. I will 100% use that. Do you wanna see it?

Do you wanna give your review of how good the silicone penis thing did no maybe you could probably take you could probably take a picture and then it's a guy then it's two then it's two steps removed is that okay do you know I don't know I just sex a snapchat of my silicone penis you could you want to see it don't lie I'm curious yeah you want to see it, don't lie. I'm curious. Yeah, you wanna see it. I don't wanna see yours.

But who else is it gonna be? I don't know. Somebody I don't know. Somebody I don't know. I'm interested to see how well that work. It's still okay. I'm ordering one. Forget it.

You're just gonna do it yourself. Do you wanna do it? And then put everyone thinks you're so fucking beautiful anyway. You're gonna put your beautiful penis on the internet too, so everyone can comment on how much they love it. Next year. Okay. When the show needs ratings.

Okay. Let's see, I got, what else do I have? I get some great fan art. Oh. Yeah, the chat room is liking this. Yeah, they say Sean should use the gift instead. Do you want to use that? No. Should we?

This is what we should do. We should both get one and then post them online and have people guess whose dick belongs to who. And then we'll never say which one it is. Do you realize how many people would go actively to look at our dicks online? If there's this stupid game around it? Now it's true. Yeah, it's true.

Okay, this is breaking news. I think I got through all the erstwhile stuff and all the presents. Thanks guys, thanks for sending the presents. This is breaking news. We're gonna get into the election stuff now. The ending in the debate, but you're gonna be in a stereos. Right, guys. Thanks for sending the presents. This is breaking news. We're going to get into the election stuff now, ending in the debate between me and Estereos. Right.

Right. If you're, if you're, if you're, everyone's fucking sick of the election, right? So we recorded the debate last week. Last week while Estereos was here, I think it might have been a huge mistake because we had been recording for four or five hours. That's the thing. If you do one show, you're like, yeah, I'm all jazzed up. Yeah. I like the middle of the second show. You realize how much just talking and thinking actually takes out of it. It's an exciting show. It's an exciting high energy show.

A stereo. It was on the ball. But by the time we got to the debate, man, we were fucking exhausted. We hadn't eaten because these shows always end up taking two hours. And I don't know, I don't know if it is as good as it could have been. Like the idea was kind of a poorly executed on my behalf, I would say, well, I went through and mixed that section already. So I'd have it, you know, kind of ready. So I wouldn't have to do it all after we recorded this one and get it out for Tuesday. I think it's good. Okay. Well, we'll put it at the end either way. I mean, the bet still stands. Whoever wins the debate or whatever it is,

is gonna vote, both of us are gonna vote for that person. Persons candidate. Okay, meanwhile, I've got some leaked documents. Some very important leaked documents from the campaign. You remember how all of Hillary's emails came out recently. Oh yeah. Well, some more. Some emails came out just to me.

Mike Cernovich is not the only person who has contacts in the NSA and all these other places where he has his, I also do. And somebody from both campaigns leaked these documents to me. They are the secret concession speeches of both candidates. Man. How about that? Pretty exciting, right? Okay. How was thought candidates didn't write concession speeches. Well, they have to be prepared. Yeah, but it's like an Oscar speech.

So don't though, like it's, they write it, write it at the moment, or their people do if it looks like they're gonna lose, because that's like a bad, no, because you don't wanna come off like an asshole. Like you said, you're lost. No, but there's always more politicking to do, so you don't wanna come off bad. Yeah, but if Trump loses, Iicking to do. So you don't want to come off bad.

Yeah, but if Trump loses, I mean, it's going to be priceless, right? Well, I don't know, but so if insulin party say you show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser, I don't, I agree with it, but I don't know. This is, so this is Trump's concession speech leaked, leaked exclusively to the Dixho. This is all a transcript that I'm reading, by the way. My fellow legally documented Americans, the Muslims are coming, the Muslims are coming, retreat to your Doomsday bunkers. But first, let me congratulate you for participating in a rigged election

and making history by electing crooked Hillary to be the first Kant president. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Donald, this is, I don't think that was a good start. She's inspired young Kant's, oh, my goodness, that they can do anything as long as they're willing to ride the coattails of their flandering husband. Does this fit? Lamberties definition. The real congratulations belong to Bill Clinton. Bill gets four more years of using the Oval Office as his personal cum rag. Jesus, unbelievable. This is a man with no standards

about where he wets his dick. At least the women who've made rape claims against me are tens. Have you seen the pigs who've come out against Bill? They're size tens. Keeping liberal jokes. And I think it says, I'd also like to take a moment to acknowledge a few of the fuckups who couldn't do shit for my campaign.

Wow, my running mate, Mike Pence, I really got to know Mike throughout the campaign, which is unfortunate because the guy is a total snoozefest. I've seen construction dumpsters with more charisma than Mike Pence. That might be true. Governor Chris Christie was a completely worthless surrogate for me. The good news for him is that he's still an effective surrogate for binge eating.

Oh, that's what he's doing. Rudy Giuliani was another waste of space in my campaign. Yeah. Before Rudy came on board, I was excited to hear that he developed a slur. Unfortunately, it wasn't a racial slur. So instead I got stuck with a fossil who talks like a drunk retard on the campaign. Oh, does he have a slur? Rudy Giuliani?

Yeah, do you have like a stroke or something to trump? I don't know. My children, Eric, Donald Jr. Tiffany Ivanka, and the really young one, all campaigned on my behalf. They've all been exposed as less intelligent, less attractive, less successful, watered down versions of me, but hey, isn't everyone?

At last, and definitely least, my current wife, Melania, she botched her, she botched her only campaign task, giving a speech at the RNC that wasn't plagiarized from Michelle Obama. So I'm giving Melania even more things to have in common with Michelle by returning her to Slovenia on the same ship that brought Michelle's. Oh my God. Oh my God. Descendants to America 200 years ago.

Oh, that's outrageous. Before I leave you, let me remind you that America is a total disaster right now. It's got, how does he have the resources to find that same ship? It's gotten so bad that citizens are using their phones to catch imaginary monsters when they should be using their phones to call INSN.S. and catch

the real monsters for a nurse. Oh my God. Don't come crying to me when the rapists and terrorists flood in through the borders and pillage your home. You had your chance America and you blew it losers. In conclusion, America, go fuck yourself. Wow. That's his concession speech.

Yeah. If he loses, I mean, you got a root from the lose, right? You want to hear him say that? I mean, I got to see the reactions. Well, here's Hillary speech. I assume hers is a little bit more classy. She seems to run a more tightly. Oh, man. She's pretty fucking despicable. Tentally advised campaign, though. Yeah, She's a professional. Well, let's see. My fellow Americans, the blame for my failure to win the presidency falls squarely on your shoulders. Yeah.

How did you manage to fuck this up? Oh, she's more of the same. You had one obvious duty to vote for me. Why? Because I deserve it. This job was my destiny. This is all in caps, too. So I imagine she's screaming it at this point.

And you moron screwed the pooch. Even Barack Mr. Hot Shit Obama proclaimed that I Hillary Clinton was the most qualified presidential candidate in the history of presidential candidates. She should have said her story. That would have been a funny joke right there. And he said that shit without the Clinton Foundation lining his pockets so you know he meant it. Speaking of the Clinton Foundation,

all of my haters can shut the fuck up about my ties to corruption. I'll admit I've done some things that I wouldn't be proud of if I were a mere local or state politician. But God damn it, when you're climbing the Mount Everest of politics, sometimes a Sherpa or two needs to die for you to reach to summit. Hmm, that's questionable. Let me guess you voted against me because I don't know how to use an email.

Well guess what, I'm almost 70 fucking years old. I'm a God damn grandma. Can your grandma waltz her way through a private email server? Didn't think so. I ran to be the next president of the United States, not the best by Geek Squad. Before society, as we know it, is reduced to a smoldering rubble. I want to recognize a few people. My husband, Bill Clinton, the specter of your flandering, hovered over my campaign

like a president, ready to squirt on a White House intern. From what I can tell, you derive more enjoyment from fucking my reputation than fucking me. Well, no way they bang. No, no, she's not, yeah, that's a way. No way. She's exaggerating.

Yeah, that's a lie. Not a shame. Bernie Sanders, he beat my primary candidacy within an inch of its life. At least he had the decency to recognize defeat when it stared at him in that big Jew nose. Oh my God. Oh my, my running mate, Tim Cain, in case you haven't heard of bajillion times, Tim Cain speaks fluent Spanish.

It's the most interesting thing about him by Uno Million Miles. The only way he could have performed worse at the vice presidential debate is if he'd lubed his asshole and sat on the mic. I'm sure his butthole is bilingual too. Goodness. Wow. Burning bridges. And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my daughter, Chelsea, a long time ago, I thought Chelsea would follow in the political footsteps of Bill and I, but honestly, she's a decent human being, I guess.

Well, and we'll see. But honestly, she's too dumb to be a career criminal and too fugly for a career in TV. You think it was her decision to quit NBC news? Oh, ha. It's kind of written down. The ha. Here's a news flash. My daughter looks like she's face swapped with a donkey

and that's the closest she's come to representing the Democratic Party and conclusion America go fuck yourself. Oh wow, they're cooperating on that line. Yeah, well there you go. So look forward to hearing one of those as the campaigns come to a close, right? Yeah, I mean, they are.

We knew it was a bitter rivalry that they have, but yeah, I didn't know they had such contempt for the American people who make the wrong choice. Yeah, okay, here's more from Tom Phillips. Hello games is working hard to win back fans with a follow-up to No Man Sky titled No Woman Sky. Finally, women will have the chance to be promised millions of uniquely playable worlds only to be given the same planet in like three different colors. Women will have the chance to be promised millions of uniquely playable worlds only to be given the same planet in like three different colors. Women will get the chance to collect hundreds of different craft of items from small rocks to medium rocks to medium small rocks. The sisters are turning rocks into fuel, flying somewhere new with that rock fuel, then collecting more rocks for themselves. So long glass ceiling, hello FCC investigation into false advertising.

EDG RATO. I don't know about that. I don't know about that game. I don't know a lot about video games anymore. Yeah. I really don't. I never did. Yeah.

Okay. Here's a, we're completely worthless. Completely worthless. I wish, I wish the stereos was here all the time. Like I wish he lived in LA. He could come in and tell me what I'm missing about video. People are saying that he should be the co-host, but I don't think you can do it over Skype.

I really don't know. I don't think so. No, all right, he's another one. Chris Roberts made a huge splash at this year's citizen con with the long awaited star citizen. Make your own game edition. It comes with everything you need to travel the stars. By which I mean, a big box filled with dozens of programming manuals.

In the press release, Chris Roberts said, look, you just do it. Just make the game already. We clearly don't know how to make a game, so you do it. Come on, don't be shy. Just step right up and make a game and please give us whatever you make of the money. Oh boy, can't wait to crowd fun this! E-G-E-R-T-O. Okay, we got one more. make of the money. Oh boy, can't wait to crowdfund this! EDG RATO Okay, we got a little more.

We've put news off the wire from the makers of PlayStation VR Comes PlayStation VD. Experience that awful burning sensation without any of the fun it took to get there. And best of all, you've filled it in your eyes this time. Pilots and Titans alike are cheering on the launch of the new Titanfall sequel, Titanfall 2. Hey, we've got a plot this time. Still not going to do single player. Fans of violently horrific combat and adorable Disney characters alike will throw to Kingdom Hearts 2.1.397. Slash A, underscore angry emoji.

Deluxe edition, gold edition. Out this January, Zombie Tyra Banks rises from the grave in the all-new game, Dead Smising. That one's just for the women listening. And finally, the place toughest nails cowboy who's super into performance art, Tumblr culture, and jazz criticism in Red Dead Redemption 2.

Red Dead Potention. Now it's just for the women listening. Fuck you, hysteria. All right, Thank you, Tom Phillips. Okay. I want to introduce the debate where a stereo is in my debate. This is probably going to be two and a half, three hour show that we're looking at right now. The debate is an hour. It's an hour. Okay. It's it's it's it's funny. You'll hear it. I I got to tell you the one thing that's making me a rage right now, then I'm going to, I'm going to say this one last thing on Trump

because this, this is the last chance. This is the last fucking time anybody gets to talk about this stuff. And I know some, I know everybody's sick of politics, but I got to fucking say it. We're not going to talk about this again. Well, how can we, it's, it's done. Dude, after when it's done, everybody blows their load that day, they roll over to the other side of bed in society, and we are on our phones, seeing what's cooking up. Looking at the hot goss that's being cooked up, that's it, the election is fucking done. This is what's making me rage about the election this week, is to get out the vote campaign. Yeah.

That dude who sent in the erotic story last week mentioned it, and he's so fucking right, because every time I see any kind of go and get out the vote, it is the voting, is the most important thing that we've got. It's put up there as the most effective way to change our world and shape our world that we have, right? More danger, more powerful than all of these other things. That's how it's portrayed.

That's how it's portrayed. But the way people are encouraged to vote, no matter what, no matter how fucking dumb you are, like they're encouraging people who are the most prone to commercials. Illegal for cigarette companies to do it, get out the vote, yeah, go get out there and vote, no matter what, do you know anything about it? Just go, you know the headlines you read on Huffington Post or Brightbart,

doesn't matter, just go, it's not, if you say drive a car, you say drive responsibly. Hey, you wanna drive a car? Well, take it easy, take it down a notch. You gotta be safe when you're driving a car because it's a big responsibility. And your decisions that you make while you're driving a car

might fuck up other people's lives. Permanently, maybe read the instruction manual of the car, go to a DMV class and make sure you can take a test. Make sure you can behave responsibly and safely while you're driving his car. Dude, it's not just, hey everybody, go drive all the fuck over the place. It doesn't, especially if you just go drive wherever you want. That stuff get out the vote came, you want to own a gun? Hey, take it easy.

There's rules to handling a gun. Always treat it like it's loaded. Never pointed at somebody. Act like it's loaded unless you yourself have checked it. That's a gun. That's just a gun. That's just a piece of metal. But taking part in the democracy,

fuck it. Fuck it. If you exist, you got the right to do it. In fact, you're an asshole if you don't do it because somebody died for it. Fuck having to know anything about, like, fuck even encouraging anything about the issues. I'm not saying you got to take a test to go vote, but for God's sake, why see, go vote on TV? Where's the other side of it? Where the fuck is the other side of it? Where people

say, hey, you know what? Do you believe that someone in your family or one of your friends has been abducted by aliens. Maybe if that's you, don't go vote. Sit this one out. Sit it, do you believe that aliens, or look, because 20% of people believe that. That much? Yeah, do you think that, do you believe in witches? If you do, maybe don't go vote.

Maybe it's not your thing. Do you, have you been in 20 car accidents? Maybe you got shitty decision making. Don't, don't go vote. Have you ever run up a credit card, bill, online shopping into like the five, six digits? Sit this one out. Yeah.

Judge, making decisions might not be your thing. It might not be for you. Sit this one out. Ask your friends. It should be like a drug commercial, like Prylasek. Ask your doctor of Prylasek is right. Ask your friends if voting is right for you. Maybe it's not. Ask your family and friends. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm saying, put a little bit of... Think about it for a minute.

Maybe it's not for you. Maybe you're going to get in there and start polling levers and start fucking up other people's opinions who put a little bit of thought into it, right? You can put, I get that you can put the lot into something and land on either side of the coin. You got different priorities. But at least you did your due diligence. But at least you put some thought into it. That's all I'm saying.

Don't just vote for fun. If you're voting, here's how the commercial goes. If you're voting just to get a little fucking sticker and then take a picture of that, I voted sticker and put it on your Instagram, maybe give it a miss this time. Maybe just go get a sticker and then take a picture of it and don't actually do the thing that controls democracy for the most powerful nuclear country in the whole fucking world. Maybe to give it a miss, if you don't, if you didn't read anything about either candidate, maybe not saying I'm right, just saying, yeah, give it a miss.

Well, they're gonna say, I was gonna say, there's like you said, you gotta take a test to drive a car, but you don't have to take a test to vote. You don't even have to think about it. Or to have children. You don't have to think about that either. Yeah, have you ever, have you ever bought a dog because you were bored?

Maybe if you have, sit this election out. Cause you're a fucking idiot. Not saying that your life doesn't matter. You're not good at forecasting potential consequences. Not good, and all of us are very bad at it, but you are specifically bad at it. So give it a miss for this one. Have you ever been duped out of money?

Have you ever written a huge, have you ever let a girlfriend or boyfriend live at your house rent free while they were like, this is, this is, this is stuff that shows you have bad judgment. Do you make decisions based on horoscopes? Do you believe in, do you have a, do you have a crystal guy? Have you ever gotten, have you crystal dealer? Yeah, a dealer.

Meth or the healing crystal is either one. And you know, so if you know, if you take it seriously or not, if you do, take a, some people just do it for fun. You know, you know, if you take it seriously, sit this one out. Do you know what the three branches of government are? Do you know, not saying that you have to know all these stupid rules and stuff like people, you can vote on an instinct of whether someone is a scumbag or not. But let's put the question out there.

Do you know anything about what they're capable of doing? If you don't, sit it out. Just self-moderate. Yeah. I know one wants to take your rights, but nobody has that kind of introspection, sadly, very few people. But what are we, what is the commercial for then? Well, no, the commercial is just blindly, hey, it's

your right. Go vote. Go exercise the right. Yeah, go run wild and piss all over the yard. You know, we've got a lot of rights. You're allowed to be outside. You have no obligation to behave in a certain way. Just you better do it. You can go outside, put your fists out, spin around in a circle like a helicopter. We'll have to get people to walk into you. That's their fault. It's your right to do that. Go ahead, go outside and do it. That's what makes me a rage about it. I will say, I'm going to say this about Trump and then we're going to run, we're going to run the debate. I hope, I hope people enjoy it, but this is what I'm going to say about Trump. And this is it. This is it. We won't talk about it anymore,

because the election will be over. And we'll be trying to rebuild our relationship with each other after suffering accusations of racism and bigotry for an entire fucking year. But this is what I'll say about Trump. Look, this to me, I think, this is the last time we will get the option of putting a person like him in the White House.

Yeah, who's not a career politician. Who's not a career politician. I would say definitely in our lifetime. There is. I don't think that comes around. Money in politics in our government is ruining our fucking country and ruining people's lives. Oh, no doubt. No doubt.

And there is no other way to fix that than to take a guy who might be, you know, I don't even fucking care if he gets the wall built or if he's able to negotiate these deals with China or these, this, it is enough to me that Trump is in there trying to get money out of politics. It is enough to me if he goes in there and does absolutely nothing just to keep the money out for four years. Because every single fucking law, I've never voted in my life before this because Democrats, Republicans, it's the same fucking thing. One side's gonna build up social welfare programs,

one side's gonna promote insane morality on people who are mining their own business and illiterary adventurism. One side's gonna send armies all over the fucking earth and I'll tell you what scares me. Now both sides are sending armies all over the fucking earth. That is the last thing I want. This is the last time we're going to be able to do this. Because if he loses, if Trump wins, the GOP is dead. Everybody always talks about having

multiple parties running for government in the US, right? They always want more, no, everybody wants more choices than the two we've had so far because you're either a pussy on one side who wants to just take everybody's money and give it away to people who are not encouraged to work for it or the other side, you're insane religious zealots. That's the sides. That's the sides we had until now. This, if Trump wins in no way, is he a part of the GOP? This is the Trump party. He does not give a fuck. He had a gay man, a gay billionaire speaking at the RNC. You think that was their idea? No, that's the Trump party. He does not care about gay shit. He does not care about abortion. The only thing he cares about in my

opinion is stopping the crazy criminal money influence in Washington. And it's the only time we're ever going to be able to get this guy in there. That's my opinion on it. If you ever wanted to vote for a third party, this is what it looks like. There is never, there's no Ross Perot moment where it's three people you get to pick from. You had one, because that would never work. You don't get, you don't get a third guy trying to edge in. You don't have a boxing match with three fucking people.

You don't have the good, the bad, and the ugly. You got a boxing match between two fucking guys. That's how the system works. And this person managed to hijack a party that was rampant with psychotic moralizing and crony capitalism. Yeah, the right has gone further and further right over the years. Well, they've had to.

Yeah. They've got to buy votes with something. And it's this crazy sickening, and like weird anti-gay shit. Trump's a New York guy, a New York billionaire. You think he gives a fuck about gay marriage or abortion? It doesn't cross his mind. At some point, we're going to have to forget this idea that one side cart blanche necessarily

wants to end gay rights when we don't fucking care. It's done. It's done. The decision was made. It's fucking done. That's what he says all the time. All this has to do with, to me, is getting money out of politics. The most important thing he could do. And he doesn't owe anyone. That's it. If you want, if you ever wanted a third party to come in in the US, if you're ever one of these people who thinks that the two parties we had up until now, we're going to have to That's it. If you want, if you ever wanted a third party to come in in the US, if you're ever one of these people who thinks that the two parties we had up until now, we're not enough, I

agree with you 100%. This is what it looks like. It is a third party against the Democrats. Nobody knows. Yeah, never thought of it that way. Nobody knows what Trump thinks about GOP stuff on either side. But if he loses, if he loses, all the same fucking people, Ted Cruz, psychotic religious stuff, Paul Ryan, who will, like, do you ever wonder why nothing ever gets stopped?

Like why these huge government omnibus packages were the Congress and the Senate just sign off on trillions of dollars to blow and never change anything. It's because they don't fucking care. These giant companies just tell them what to do. They fucked up health care that way. They're fucking up everybody's jobs in the same way. This is why because nobody, yeah, well, there you go.

You got a guy who's be set on all sides by ads. You look at every big company and they all fucking hate him, Trump. Every company, every fucking big company hates him. There is a reason for that. There's a reason for that. Well, it's usually when somebody comes in and upsets the Apple card.

Yeah, because he's bad for business. Yeah. And these businesses do everything they can to buy the government and Trump's bad for business. That's my, that's my opinion. Uh, you're going to make the decision. You're going to vote on the debate between me and the stereos. That's all I'm going to say about it. Uh, what else are we moving to the big, are we moving to the studio soon? Yeah, I don't know that until the end. Yeah, it's a big episode. I'm excited. Also, the store is going online. Oh, cool.

Shop.thedictshow.com. It's taken a long time because I didn't want to charge $26, $22 for t-shirts. Like, let's make it reasonable. So we had to ramp up and actually do buy a run of shirts to fill the store up and get a fulfillment place going. Otherwise, you just stuck paying a shitload for these shirts. Volume always helps.

Yeah. So go to shopdicture.com. Let me see here. Yeah, people stand Supreme Court too, but I don't think the Supreme Court wants to fuck with this stuff either. I don't know. We'll see. Let's see what happens.

This has been The Dicks Show. Check out thedickshow.com, patreon.com slash The Dicks Show. See you next Tuesday. It's cool, right? Sounds like the Gypsy Kings. Yeah, it does Sounds like a gypsy king. Yeah, it does sound like a gypsy king. 1 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 個 I was wondering if you could help me parlay this information to David Clegg. I was like, no, if he was willing to have a fist fight, sometimes this October in the city of Seattle. I think I'd have really been to teach that punk a lesson.

So if you could send this out, David Craig needs to want to fight me. One D1 scrub, but thanks to take a love of the show, keep it up to great work. They're having real fist fights. Yeah, that's dedication. So for a news babe you Bring in a former prostitute Hates men so much

She bites their dicks during glow jobs. Mm-hmm. I'll true. Maybe you should just give them money to Sean Give them another raise There's a couple about you. What do you think of that girl? She's fun? She has she was yeah, I don't know There's a couple about you. What do you think of that girl? She's fun. She was... Casey? She was... Yeah. I don't know. I'm not gonna say anything.

Bullshit-ing-a, dude. It's 21 episodes in, and you still don't have a co-host? No, that's not true. That's not true at all. Everyone else has been a guest on your show and Sean Is your co-host quit bullshiting us? You know, that's what you're doing Just because you're not called him a co-host doesn't mean he isn't because he's talking way more on this show

Then he was the other show. That's why mother fucker you. All right. Also Sean have an answer. I'll have to get. Ever what? I don't know. He's not on the, Sean's can't be the cause. He's not on the board. No, that's obvious. Hey, it's Lettuce Jones. So first of all, I want to apologize for my offensive language.

You know what, sorry, not everyone lives in LA, all right? I still say Faggot, all right? Anyway, a stereo, man, best fucking call... so far and and here's one thing i want to say about a serious you know okay everyone wants to say oh serious cooking house oh serious what is that what a pussy you know why don't you go hold your wife purse uh... well you know what to be people who stood up for you a stereo was probably the most shining, brightest example. Think about it, dude.

All right. Tim Chang, he gets the ultimatum of, well, I might not be able to get a show on the man person that works. So, you know what, I'm just going to have to cut you off, dick. Sorry. Meanwhile, asterios is just like, listen, man, like, you know, I'm not going to be a dick. I'm going to stay with both you. I like both you guys. And of course, Maddox, you know, i'm not gonna be a dick i'm gonna stay with both you i like both you guys

and of course mad at you know he comes in so a stereos basically stayed with you he stayed with you through the bullshit he was above it the whole time a stereos you're a real fucking man you are a real fucking man you got more balls than Tim chains and all these other little bitches who have run away even though they know that Dick is not a bad guy. That is why I love me some mysterious coconuts, whatever your name is, breaking coconuts. That should be your new name. Anyway, he's breaking bad. And I gotta say coconuts, I relate, you know, the depression and not only have I been depressed in my whole life, but you know, the only thing lately that really gets me going

is this show, especially since I'm able to be even a small. This is men remaining men together in this show. I'll be going to jail here in January for, I don't know, I can probably a little bit less than a year than I'll be in probation. But hey, what we gotta do, I gotta go to jail, I'm gonna set up a Patreon if this show still exists, right? You're gonna get Lettuce Jones face reveal, all right? All we gotta do, hey, Stereo, you got the fans to,

you know, send you to LA, right? You can send LJ, you're gonna get LJ to come from the Midwest. All right, I'm gonna need probably, you didn't need enough money for a plane ticket. And I'm also gonna need some way to get a judge to sign it off so I can, you know, be the state. So then let us Jones can reveal his name. Is he really going to prison you?

Let us. Let's look forward to that. All right, that is one reason to keep this show going for another year. Also, uh, so yeah, fuck Maddox, fuck Surnavitch and fuck Spinach Smith peace. That's spinach boys. Yeah, here's a strange brother. He is beating Spinach Smith on the rage board. Yeah. Oh man, let us sucks. Let us Jones is going to prison. Probably. Sometimes, I mean, you do know when you go in sometimes, I, wow, I wonder if he gets, if he's gonna use his phone calls. I was wondering. I was wondering how many phone calls he gets.

If he's really going to prison, I think we've gotta send let us Johns something. Like you can fill up people's meal cards in prison. Maybe he can, I don't wanna let us Johns to be in prison and be suffering. What can we do? Can we get him a shank or something? What do you, what do you want in your prison?

Can you use pornography as like currency in prison? I'm sure cigarettes cigarettes. Yeah, are definitely currency cigarettes are currency. So can the Dixiau send a carton of cigarettes to let us Jones? I would love. I want to I can't stand the thought of lettuce Jones being in prison and not being happy. Does he get internet in prison? You must get internet. I don't know man.

Like it depends on what state I think. I was on Joe, you know Joe Arpio. Yeah, Arizona. He was my dad's travel agent. No shit. Yeah, before he went, he turned into a fucking lunatic. Yeah, I had no idea. Well, I mean, he, you know, he gives them the absolute bare essentials.

And makes them pink. And to humiliate them. Yeah, like the prison chain gang labor. Yeah, man, the way we treat prisoners is shame to me. Well, it doesn't really make them want to follow the rules, I don't think. No, I would think that it would just make them more angry, making them wear pink, making them, like, first of all, making them wear pink shit and turning them into basically slaves, where they're doing work for nothing, for like way below minimum wage in cases.

And then secondly, giving them nothing to do but working out. Like after I work out, I feel like an aggressive maniac. I think if I grew up in an environment of violence and I just don't understand why people engage is like, deal. Well, they're already in cages. Like, why are they just working out nonstop? Can't they do some jazz or size or something? Yeah.

Or something. Well, if they give many other activity, they can make weapons out of it. I mean, you can't with weight obviously. Can't make weapons out of a fucking barbell? Yeah, at least they don't let them leave the yard with any of that shit. If you can like, guitars in their cells,

I'll hell break loose. I don't know, man. I just want to get into damage. You know what kind of damage you can do with a harmonica? How much damage can you do with a harmonica? Probably kill someone with it. Yeah, I've never understood why they let me make them go. At least make them hate music if nothing else.

Well, if, let us, Johns, if we can do anything for you, if you're really going to prison, I bet he is. I don't think he bullshit. No, I don't think he bullshit. No, I don't think he bullshit either. If we can send you a carton of cigarettes, I assume that your brand is new ports. Wait, is he black? I have no idea. Why do you think he's into parliaments? Is that what you're going to say? No, no, no, no. I think he said he was black one time. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, what were you making? I thought you were making like a menthol. No, I was just guessing the cigarette to cause controversy. Oh, aren't new ports, menthols? I have no

idea. I don't know. I know. Cools are. Wow. Well, let us know what we can do. I'll get you a pack of cigarettes and I don't know, a butt plug to keep anything, anything fucking from happening. We'll send you the silicon Dildo. Here's the last one. Hey, Dick. I just wanted to weigh in on something that somebody called in with during the bonus episode, which is that Mattics' attack of you was rooted in some deep emotional feelings

and he wanted to hurt you. I actually think it's the exact opposite. I don't think that Mattics has a hard time feeling empathy. He just needed to be right by any means. So he wasn't really thinking or understanding the effects of his actions or how much it might actually fuck you. Which is a possible symptom of something we've suspected for a long time, which is that Maddox is a big time autism. Just thought I'd throw that out there. I would love an expert to call me with that okay.

So great work and Sean, please teach me to be handsome like you. Yeah, if anybody can actually make that diagnosis with any level of professionalism, call it. I mean, how do you, but I mean, there's like actual tests, right? Yeah, they just look at you and if you're acting like a goofball, they go bam, autism. Like in but I mean, there's like actual tests, right? Yeah, they just look at you. And if you're acting like a goofball, they go, bam, autism, like in Willy Wonka, when it was that bad and good egg thing. Oh, that's the test. Except it's, it's one is a big icon of sonic. They have a picture of sonic the hedgehog. And if you, if you look at it,

then boom, that's it. So I always over complicate things. Yeah. You don't vote, Sean. Voting is not for you. You think about it too much. Okay. We're going to run the debate now. Thanks for listening. Okay.

We are here for the final presidential debate that anyone will hear for four fucking years. And it's about time. I think we're all ready to blow our brains out over anything political. This is not true. This is a common. I'm here with the stereos coke. And as we promised, the biggest debate, the biggest presidential debate, the most important debate, because let's be serious.

There are people out there who haven't made up their minds yet. This is a real thing. And in doing this debate, a stereos and I thought, you know, maybe we could debate the issues, maybe, maybe we could talk about how Hillary Clinton needs a gallon of Dianism Pam to live like every day. Maybe we could talk about that. Maybe we could talk about that. Or how Trump is just grabbing pussy's left and right and shaking around his tic-tacs.

And nobody does anything. Maybe we could stick to policy like that, right? And the issues. The issues. But what really matters is the undecided voters. Yes. That's why we're having this debate because it's the undecided voters that matter at this point. And if you don't know who you're voting for at this point, I question, I don't know what

the fuck you're waiting for. You're clearly not waiting for the intense policy debate that we've had this morning. So what we're trying to do here is have a debate that will appeal to the undecided voter, which is really what they should have been doing from the start in my opinion. And to do so, a stereos will be debating on the behalf of crooked Hillary Clinton. I will. And I guess you'll be doing John the con. Got it.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, as we call as he's known about to get stumped. He's known. He's about to get stumped at the polls. I'm sorry. I'm up. And Dustin has graciously agreed to be the moderator. Here's the thing about being the moderator at these debates. They get shit on mercilessly after the debates, right? Dustin, thank you for volunteering to do this except Wallace. He was universally praised and he did a great job from both sides. Yeah.

Did you think he did a good job? Look, this time I liked all the debate moderators, but I will say in general, I mean Matt Lauer got the shit kicked out of him in the, in the Romney Obama debates. The, the, what's it in Candy Crowley was, beaten the, they beat the shit out of her. So, well, I guess they were already going to beat the shit out of them. I don't, please, please don't set them up for that. Dustin, you are taking on a hell of a job putting yourself out there of doing this debate because it was a lot of risk. Yeah. I have recently become black bald. So, uh, or black times.

So just so you know, black fields, okay. Mezz of that joke. All right. I'm just eating those black balls. All right. Let's go. I'm going to let you. I'm going to let you take it away. I'm going to let you take it away. Oh, let me just reinforce the stakes here. Oh, yeah.

This is. Whoever wins this debate by the vote of the fans, the other person will vote for their candidate. So if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if. If you win, if you win, I will have to go vote for Hillary Clinton. And if you win, I will have to do the unthinkable pull the lever for Donald Trump. It's a good thing that neither of your votes matter in your respective states. Hey, hey, well, you don't undermine the stakes of this. I'm going to have to be a Trump voter for life. Do you understand that the The shame of of dick being a Hillary voter will want him to his grave. Yeah, really will. I mean, even though I know it doesn't matter, I will have voted for the woman who made me eat my book. Like, if I, if a woman is

president, the, yeah, the, the hub, like the, the story of me writing that fucking sentence in a book that's now come, that's now come full circle to where it's going to be maybe Hillary Clinton and my only savior is Donald Trump is like the most absurd thing. I could have never imagined that when I wrote that like 10 years ago. You better figure out how to get that fucking thing down. I know, I don't know. I'm going to worry about that next week. Anyway, that's what said stake.

The pride of two men who don't have a lot of pride already. Yep. This is going to... Yep, it's put the gun in my mouth. Let's get started. Dustin, Dustin, please introduce the debate. Welcome to the debate of the century. We have Mr. Dick Masterson versus Asterios Cokanos. Now Dick is very, very adamant with his passion and love for Donald J. Trump. Asterios online, a very outspoken liberal and cuck. He has the battle of the century in his hands. Can he do that one?

Can he get Dick Masterson to vote for lying Hillary Clinton? Well, he's got to convince the viewers to vote for him. This is a contest. It's coming down to the, it's coming down to the, to the, to the Dick show fan. They're gonna be the one that decide. And so, all right, let's start take us off question one George W. Bush

George Washington great president Mm-hmm. Tyler's Jefferson is good, but a good president still all very sexy and sexual presidents Thomas Jefferson. Yeah, okay, which do you believe? Is the sexiest candidate currently running for office? That's a good question. It's an important question because who do you want representing America, somebody sexy? That's exactly right. That's exactly right. And the answer, obviously, when you think, when any American man or a woman thinks of

sex, the first thing that comes to their mind is Donald Trump, that the hair, that he's like a peacock. He's like a human peacock with that hair sticking up out of his head. Every man, and when you know what, when you put on the Oculus Rift, you are seeing a picture of Trump. That's what a Trump presidency is going to be. Slap the goggles on. You've got to naked dancing Trump in a tie spinning around.

Take the hat off. Don't put, don't keep the hat on. Get one of those maiden China ties, those beautiful, imagine him and a boy, imagine the ferocity of this man. The beauty, he's like a lion. He's like a, not a, you beauty, he's like a lion. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Muslim gazelle. Yes, chasing down a Muslim gazelle. I will point out that when Mr. Trump appeared on the doctor, I'll show to reveal his medical history. Doctor Oz did point out that he was technically medically obese. I don't want a big fat president. When you think of the hottest president, you think of Obama, Slim and sexy. You think of William Jefferson Clinton, a little junk in the trunk, but still a hottie. You don't think of William Howard Taft, a man who got stuck in a bathtub

and you're sure don't think of Donald Trump. This guy is as rich as God, and he still can't make a suit that hides his big fat stomach. Hillary Clinton, say what you will about her being a little bit overweight, at least she's got a vagina and a vagina is a hot hot thing to have and Mr. Donald Day Trump as Riches he is does not have a vagina or does he I've never seen what's underneath those slacks I'm gonna vote for the

president that has a working vagina. I'm voting for Hillary, Rodham Clinton. Typical typical ishtarios, just ignoring the desires of women. All that matters is to him is having a vagina. I've got news for you. A vagina, sir. All that matter, you know what? Half of America doesn't want a vagina. They just want something gracefully. They want an experience. They want an experience. I'm, I'm granting us another minute and I'm gonna say.

He has a goiter also. All right, now they're gonna reach down and get a surprise. I'm gonna say this. Do not lose control of this debate, Dustin. Don't give into this, this shill attacking you. Great, three more minutes. I am gonna say this. You've been to college.

Women are more likely to get drunk and hook up with other women than men are. You can call that homophobic all you want, but society proves it to be true. If Hillary Rodham Clinton gets you a little bit tipsy in the back of a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a J. Trump. Would you have sex with Mr. Trump, sir? Absolutely. You would have sex with Mr. Trump, sir. I mean, if he would have me. Would you put your dick between his fat rolls?

Where would you put your dick? Look, Mr. Masterson, you are known for having a legendarily large penis. However, Mr. Trump's butt is so big that I don't know that you can get it between those giant ass cheeks, sir. I don't know that you can get it between those giant ass cheeks, sir. I don't know that you could get it up as ain't it. You know, it's, it doesn't surprise me that the only thing you, Estarius Coconut, would focus on when it came to sex appeal is looks.

I think you should be ashamed of yourself. There's a lot more to sex appeal than having a vagina and not being obese. Quite frankly, you can be beautiful at any size. You can be sexy at any size. I'm ashamed of the rhetoric that you're spouting already in this debate. So now again, Mr. Trump. I mean, you're on records shitting on burlesque. And here you are continuing your Fed-shaming crusade

by saying Donald Trump is not sexy simply because he's obese. I'm gonna say that the Fed-shamer-in-chief, Donald J. Trump, a man who called Miss Universe to Tubby, a man who invited the press to showcase Miss Universe working out, a man He also called Miss House keeping Miss Piggy for you to use. And my moderator has already lost control of this debate. Go on.

I'm just in the ancient time. I cannot think of anything sexier than a vagina. If there's no vagina, there's no sex appeal. Call me sexist if you will. but I'm black-pilled. I'm not gonna listen to your SJW crap. Can it? That's it. This is it. Mm, sorry. You went way over. I will give Mr. Dick Masterson an extra 30 seconds

to finish his argument. No, I'll insist God to the next, keep it moving. We don't need to talk. We're moving on to the next question. Now, yeah, this one is for a stereo. Be strong on the time. Asterios, people are very annoying on Facebook. How would your candidate stop that and go? I'm gonna say that there is nothing more annoying

than Trump supporters on Facebook. Give me a fucking break. With their bullshit mega, gotcha. The peep is not racist. This and that crap. I'm gonna say that while both candidates have the most annoying fans of all time, I'm gonna say that Mr. Trump's fans are worse. They are more annoying because here's what Mr. Trump fans are.

They're usually very old. I have to hear from my uncle who I only want to hear from at Christmas when he's giving me money. What a nasty man. I'm just saying yes, my uncle's a very nasty man. Thank you very much. I don't know who you are, but I don't know what you mean. I'm going to say that this election has brought more of my relatives out of Facebook hiding than ever before. Hillary Clinton did not do that and for that, I give the vote to Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Okay. Who's more, this is very important.

This might be the most important question of this debate. Yeah. Because Facebook's lack of ism is ruined our lives. It was voted. It was voted in a scientific podcast to be the biggest problem in the entire universe. I have, I have three words for you. Taco balls are the best that Trump tower. I love Hispanics. That's the kind of, that's the kind of social media you can look forward to in a Trump presidency. I've never seen a skinny person drinking a diet coke. Boom. You quote me one funny thing that Hillary has ever said, all the memory, all the beautiful memory that Trump has given us is enriched all of our lives. Yeah, you look up something fucking funny that she's no, because she just tweeted something

funny the other night. Uh, Donald Trump recently tweeted that he won the third debate in his head in every poll to which Hillary Clinton sub tweeted, where was this kind of comedy last night when Trump bombed at the Al Smith dinner? When he literally- Where are you thinking bomb that? You heard all the booze he got, right? When he called Hillary Clinton crooked and corrupt and everyone was like, boo, leave this

on the Hillary. Hillary had some great zingers saying that Donald Trump would refer to Lady Liberty as a four at best. That's a good joke, sir. That is funny. Lady, she should be lucky to be a four. I didn't think that was bombing. I thought that was him like saying the truth and people being horrified by it.

That's called bombing. What you're there to entertain the crowd with hilarious yucca mobs, not to literally call someone so corrupt that they were kicked off the Watergate Commission. Which by the way, is not a functioning joke. The Watergate Commission did not have corrupt people on it. You can say Hillary Clinton is so corrupt that she was part of the Watergate Commission did not have corrupt people on it. You can say Hillary Clinton is so corrupt

that she was part of the Watergate breaking. That's a joke. The Watergate Commission had some pretty cool people on it. I think it's funny that at that dinner, people expected a performance. Yeah. When that notion, the entire notion of like these candidates needing to perform for a bunch of 1% is repugnant. Like that that would exist and that that that

his behavior was expected. And it's like, oh, he bombed. He told all these 1%ers to go fuck themselves. Like, uh, yeah, that's why we've been supporting him the whole time because of this. I've the biggest reason I have liked Donald Trump is that he is funny. And to go up there, it's like the Osmith dinner. It's a very old political tradition. It's been happening for decades. You go up, you do a little stand-up routine. Romney actually killed it when he went up at the Osmith dinner to which people were like,

oh, where was this funny guy at the debates? Sure. Trump was not as funny as... Here's how bad things are. When you are outyooked by Hillary, Rodham Clinton, you are not funny. When Hillary, Rodham Clinton gets more laughs than you. A guy who was on TV for 15 seasons. This is like an LA comedy club, like saying, well, I don't know, this was funny at UCB.

Then I took it to television and the internet and everyone said it sucked and it was cancer and it got funny or died into oblivion. But it was funny in a comedy theater with all my friends. Like Hillary was, she really lit him up in an auditorium full of her donors. But what the fuck is that on Twitter? It's full of the Catholic donors

that she quote, unquote offended. She did better in front of Catholics, the people that Trump keeps trying to say she hates. That is time for us. Moving on to the next question. My wife always wants to do shit on the weekend, but I'm tired and I just want to kind of want to chill. How will your candidate help with that?

Well, Trump understands you. He understands not wanting to do shit on the weekend. If anybody understands not wanting to do shit on the weekend, it's Donald Trump. I, here's why I disagree. Donald Trump sometimes does six rallies a day. Hillary Clinton is resting in her hyperbaric chamber. If there's somebody, if we are going to talk about which of these kinlies goes out the least, wants to be the laziest, wants to stay in hiding, I think you're going to have to go with Hillary, Rodham Clinton, sir. I think you might be right on that. She's as low energy as a man who does not want to take his life out. And for that reason and that reason alone, Hillary Clinton is probably going to be

totally fine with you guys just staying in and watching Netflix. That's a good point. She wants you to have whatever you want. Yeah. Really. She wants to tell you that you should have whatever you want. you want. Yeah, unless she wants to tell you that you should have whatever you want. I can't wait for this free college tuition I'm going to get. All right. My podcast co-host is a total boner who ruined my personal and professional reputation after I tried to ruin his personal and professional reputation. How would your candidate handle that situation? I'm going to say this. I want to know what the Hillary Clinton podcast is even about. Oh, that's a really good question.

Actually, there is a Hillary Clinton podcast. You know that it's called, it's called with her. Oh, God. I'm absolutely not kidding. Uh, I haven't listened to it, but I'm going to assume that if her podcast co-host tried to ruin her personal and professional reputation, she were probably to secretly murder the person, right? It is not what she does.

She. Yeah. Yeah. I think Trump might, secretly murdering is un-American. I don't know. We do a lot of really patriotic drone strikes. Was it the murder of Osama bin Laden, the most patriotic thing in the world? That secret murder? Yes, okay. Maybe it wasn't a secret. I love how they took a picture

of all of them in the room, just like watching a guy get murdered on TV. Oh, it was so great. I'm going to say that Hillary Clinton would use her secret hitman task force to tacitly murder her problematic podcast co-host and And then we would and then the liberal media would cover it up. So win win Hillary wins again. Yeah, that's a good win. I guess lawsuits don't go as far as they used to anymore. Yeah, I mean Trump has been engaged I'm not kidding. Trump has in his life been involved in over a thousand lawsuits. Well, they say you're not in business

unless you're in a lawsuit. No, that's true. That's exactly right. But you know, a lot, but he lost a lot of those lawsuits whereas Clinton is one, every single one of those murders. The witnesses just don't show up.

Yeah, right. So weird. Seriously. Moving on to the next question, The witnesses just don't show up. Yeah, so weird. So weird. So moving on to the next question, does your candidate think nuclear war would be kind of cool in a weird way? Come on. That's got Trump written all over it. And that's the problem.

Tellt's you. Look, I'm going to say that if a nuclear war happens, then we're looking at a Mad Max style situation. And also pretty cool. Yeah. That is pretty cool, actually. Wait a minute. Now I'm thinking about this.

I have no real. You know, you need it in a nuclear war. What? More buildings. You need walls. And you need buildings. That's a good point. Who do we know who can? You need walls and you need buildings. Who do we know who can build us some walls and buildings? Made with Chinese steel.

Donald J. Trump. What, did you respond to that Chinese steel thing? No, what? I just thought it was funny. I always love when they throw things out during the debates. I can never tell if they think that will resonate with people or if they actually think it's bad. Like that is, like that is ties are made in China. They keep hammering that and I'm saying, I'm going, well, do they, do they not understand

how it works? Is it just like, here, this will make everyone go, oh, I, it's, it's, the, everything is just plain to the base man. The whole kind of this whole fucking camera. He doesn't care. No, she's just there. Like, oh, look, he's a hypocrite. Yeah, exactly. Like, um, Who loves Gaudi, Gaudi clothing?

That's Trump. The Mad Max is Trump written all over. If you think the nuclear, if you think a nuclear holiday guys would be cool, Trump is your guy. If you want to join some kind you think a nuclear holocaust would be cool, Trump is your guy. If you want to join some kind of weird mad Maxi in society where you're dressing up in goofy clothes and riding around in the desert, trying to grab pussy.

So whatever you're doing, Trump is your guy. We all want to show it. Charlize Theron. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to have to concede this point to my opponent, Mr. Masterson. I mad Max style future. Although mad Max style future. Although, mad Max style

future is a future that I have no place in because all of my skills are related to social media. Yeah. So purely for self preservation, I'm going to vote for Hillary because I feel like Hillary's future wouldn't be a mad Max style future. It would be kind of one of those uh, where everybody has to wear silver jumpsuits and everybody's assigned a rank based on how compliant they are with the government. And I'll tell you right now, I'm a great follower. I would put on. Yeah, call it what you will.

But, uh, I, I, I will swallow the cool aid. I will get people into the reeducation camps. I will tow the party line. I'll give my two minutes of hate to Hillary, Rodham Clinton. Fair answer. Okay. Next question. What does your candidate plan to do about all of these Hollywood remakes? Oh my God. That's got substance. Well, Hillary is a remake. So no candidate is more pro Hollywood remake than Hillary Clinton. She's a female reboot of the Clinton administration.

She's not just a reboot. She's the lady ghost busters of the presidency, because they replaced a super cool dude with a lady we all just kind of have to go, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, you can't say shit about it. You got to swallow it. No, you just got to. How many Sanders that was a fresh take? Yeah.

Yeah. I know. I'm going to say that under Hillary, Rodham Clinton, all media will be so tightly controlled and scrutinized that no films will come out that aren't approved by the Democratic Party. So you're not going to have to worry about reboots. You're going to get great films like One Flue Over the Clintons Nests. You're not going to have to worry about Transformers because you're going to have Transformers,

which are Transformers that don't describe to any particular gender preference. Thank you very much. And if you call them the wrong thing, you are a racist. Why wasn't there that one chick Transform Oh, oh, because she was super hot and I wanted to bang that. Yeah. Hot pink chassis. Yeah, me too. But why did they throw that in there? I never quite understood that. They always do one. Eventually with the smell of the introduce a spurfette, because it's like, well, that made sense because Gargamel made a smart fat to try to trick them to

coming back to getting, to helping him turn lead into gold. People forget that. People can forget both of these things. He created smurf at. And he was originally trying to use the smurfs as an alchemy to turn lead into gold. And then he wanted to eat them. They wanted to eat them, which is stupid. They were going to just eat in his cat.

But it made, like, it made sense to me as a kid. I don't know if they focused tested alchemy and said like, oh, the kids don't understand that he's trying to turn led into gold with smurfs. Everybody, he just wanted the smurfs. He didn't need, if they didn't understand it, they understood they're too stupid. They're not dumb enough to understand that it's just

a big guy that wants to get smurfs. Well, it's funny because with all that gold, you could buy a lot of food. The probably doesn't taste all shitty like a smurf would taste. Yeah, and it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's internally consistent when Gargamel wanted You could buy a lot of food that probably doesn't taste all shitty like a smurf would taste it. Yeah, and it's a good point. Internally consistent when Gargamel wanted to use them for alchemy. Yeah, but I'm going to say that the executives behind the smurfs introduce Smurfette as a way to appeal to women.

And I think we can all agree, Smurfette was really fucking hot. That little skirt, holy shit. I wouldn't mind dipping my hat. I put my head under that skirt and live there for a week. Munched on those smurf berries. I was smurfing so hard that she smurfed for smurf. And for that reason alone, I'm saying that having female representation in films is very important and Hillary Rodham Clinton will give us that.

All right, next question. If there's anything we've learned from following the Dixho and the teachings of Mr. Dick Masterson, it's that people just aren't getting laid enough. How would your candidate fix that? Well, Donald Trump was the character inspiration for Biff Tannin. True. Cool casino Biff Tannin. And that in that 1985 Hill Valley, everybody was getting laid.

There was, everybody, everybody in Hill Valley, an evil, alternate reality, everybody in that Hill Valley was better off except Marty McFly. And for some reason, we're to believe that it's good that he abused his time machine to make life better for only him on himself. That's what Hillary Clinton would do. If she got a hold of a time machine, she would go back in time and just start wiping these people out. Donald Trump would not use a time machine to change the past.

He would use a time machine to change the future. It's funny that you bring up Mr. Trump and Biff Tannen because they are both people that grab women with huge cans. None of these women want that. For example, Marty McFly had to defend his mother's honor against a Trumpian figure. But I will say this, Hillary Clinton at this point, it is known that she essentially helped her husband abuse hundreds of women. Of course it is.

We all know that to be the truth. She was an enabler and she destroyed these women. It's just what we hear. It's just the truth. Now, here's the thing though, Donald Trump is accused of groping a lot of women. Mr. Clinton is accused of raping a lot of women. Mr. Clinton went farther than Mr. Trump. Mr. Trump, all he does is he grabs their boobs,

he grabs their pussy, he tries to get them ticked. He doesn't actually have sex issues. He doesn't go through with it. He's not, he doesn't have the killer instinct that a Clinton does. And I'm gonna vote for someone that goes all the way. Hillary Clinton. All right, next question, and we're getting down on the list here.

Video games have become boring as all hell, the repetitive, and people want change. What would Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton do to address this issue and give the American people what they want? Well, what would Donald Trump the video game be? It's called monopoly. Okay, monopoly. A game that takes way too long that no one ever finishes, that no one actually likes.

It's monopoly, except you can sue people. In the middle of the game, there's a banker, and then there's a lawyer. And you can use the lawyer to launch lawsuit points at one another. Do you get the U70 banks to bail them out of bankruptcy card? Well, if you put that, that's allowed by the government.

That's a perfectly reasonable way to get you done by bankruptcy. Well, if you play as Donald Trump, which is a small, die-cast metal hair piece, you start out with an extra $3 million that your dad gives you. One small loan, it's not a gigantic loan of $3 million, small loan of $1 million. I am counting the $2 million in poker chips. That Donald Trump's dad bought and never cashed in. But let's not quibble over these small amounts.

If you are playing Hillary Clinton, I think your job is to regulate your opponent out of business, which is something that has been very successful at shutting down the energy industry. Anytime a fucking spotted out dies, they got to shut down a whole logging industry. Thanks, Clintons. I'm going to say that the Clintons have shown more success at ruining American business that Donald Trump has shown at building it up. And for that reason and that reason alone, Hillary is a winner and I will vote for Hillary.

Okay. What is the funniest thing that each of your candidates has ever said? And what I mean by that is, Dick, what's the funniest thing Hillary's ever said and vice versa? Oh God. Good luck with this one buddy. Maybe she started with a stereo. That's 20, 20, think Trump said probably that she's

a defender of women and children. That's pretty good. I mean, I like yeah. No, that's pretty good. She's always like, I passed the chip program. I passed the chip program. And it's like, the what? What did you do? Goddamn it, Goddamn it. Your husband cut the welfare rolls to shreds. Like your husband's the reason we don't have glass diggle anymore.

Anyway, I'm getting on around here. I'm gonna say that the funniest thing Donald Trump ever said was what he called that lady Miss Pickie. Because- I wish one was that the- Oh, it's a machado. Oh, yeah. It's pretty great.

He had a morbidly obese man. It's fat shitting a beauty queen. Not morbidly obese, just obese. Joe, again, I'm so sorry for overestimating how fucking fat Donald Trump is. I think your assias important. It is important. You got a fact check.

It's always funny when he's like all these women are slabs and dogs. It's like, look at you. Look at you motherfucker. You look disgusting. And finally, what makes your candidate a rage? I'm gonna say that the idea of not being in total control of every America's way of life

probably makes Hillary a rage. The idea that there are people out there exercising their freedom, doing what they want, building up small businesses. I mean, she seems like the worst Tiger mom except to everybody. Yeah, exactly, but also Tiger moms get results. Like you know how to play a piano with your Tiger mom fucking hit you every time you played the wrong key.

Playing the piano is the goal here. That's like a lot of people know how to play a piano to a degree of somebody shouting at them and beating at them. I'm not sure they get a lot out of that. I don't know if all those hours that they sink into that Tiger mom roller worth it. It probably can't. If they do all say like, oh yeah, but they get good grades. Well, there's a lot of millionaires that didn't get good grades.

They like Donald Trump. Well, is that true? He's not a millionaire, he's a billionaire. I got you. I would say I think Trump would make Trump a rage is having to explain things to people. I get, I don't know why, but I get that feeling from him where like he says, because he says things and doesn't bother explaining it. I get the feeling that like if you're in that position in life and you are used to being right,

all the time, that having to walk someone through it would be really fucking frustrating. He hates follow-up questions. He hates it. Anytime you're like, Mr. Trump, you said this. What did that mean? He's like, what do you mean, what did it mean? Brr, yeah.

Because when you're super rich and you've never had to justify anything you've said in your whole life. Well, but you do, like, you definitely have to justify things with the other people you're making deals with. Like, you can't just, you can call shots in his business, but if you, he's actually setting up deals, he's definitely gonna have to explain, like, this is why, this benefits this,

this benefits this, this is why I want this, but having to explain shit that he probably thinks is obvious, that the people would be so fucking infuriating, having to explain shit that he probably thinks is obvious. The people would be so fucking infuriating. Like, you see, like, people ask those follow-up questions and you can just see him start short circling, like, what the fuck are you talking about?

You knew what I was talking about. Why are you asking that question? Like, what the hell's the matter with you? I like it when he pivots to terrorism because it's just so great when like, somebody's like, hey, did you sexually assault a bunch of people and he's like, ISIS must be stopped? That's great.

Yeah, so I guess what makes Trump a rage is being held accountable for his positions. And what makes Hillary a rage is you having an opinion that is not hers. So I guess they're kind of similar in a way. You think so? Yeah. Because it seems like she will tolerate any opinion

as long as Monty is involved. Well, as long as they can get her elected, absolutely. Yeah. But I mean, they're both willing to say whatever it takes to get elected. That's what makes this campaign so funny. You really think so? I disagree.

I don't think so. I think Trump should be doing that. Yeah, that's what people have been telling the whole thing. Do You really think so? I disagree. I don't think Trump should be doing that. Yeah. That's what people have been telling the whole thing. Do you really believe that? I would say whatever it takes to get elected. Yeah, because I honestly don't think that he cares that much about abortion, for example. But recently, as February 2016, he was saying positive things about Planned Parenthood. I believe, and fact checked me from wrong and wrong. I believe he's donated money to Planned Parenthood.

Oh, he's probably has. Yeah, it's a good thing. But that's how it should be. Well, private donors don't hang to abortion clinics. Well, of course, no, but, and I got, and I got no problem with that, but what I'm saying is, then it's like now he's got to say, like women who get abortions will be punished.

It's like you think you really care? See, this is, this is what's fascinating about this election in Maine. He answered the question, if it was illegal, should they be punished? Where is, isn't that, is that not like a logical answer to have in that circumstance? Well, most Republicans illegal, there's, if there's a crime, there's got to be a punishment. Well, the Republican position forever was you punish the doctors, not the women, because the women are victim. I mean, let's not, I don't think he's Republican.

That's what I'm saying. Like I think in his heart of hearts, he does not care about gay marriage, and he doesn't care about it. But he said that. Okay, so you know what, actually, you're absolutely right about that. I just think in his heart of hearts, he probably thinks that women should be able to get an abortion because who gives a shit? And he said that too.

No, he has, he said that's the law of the land. The, not going to change. Honestly, the most convincing reason he can give is that he will put the right kind of Supreme Court justices on the bench. And what he's saying when he's saying that is he's going to put justices on the bench that don't believe in Roe versus Wade that will overturn it. I mean, that's why I don't know. That's a hell of a jump.

Like there's a lot more, there's a lot more issues to putting somebody on the Supreme Court than just they're going to overturn Roe versus Wade. Well, let me say this, especially when it's been around for so long. I will say this. Donald Trump has said, I've become pro life. Donald Trump has said, as far as plan parenthood is concerned, I'm pro life. Donald Trump has said, you know, I think what we're doing, it's very important. I have become pro life. I'm pro life. I'm looking at like 20 quotes. If you just Google Trump abortion. And Obama said, well, my views have evolved. Yeah, I like a gay marriage. But those don't

really mean anything. Like, they mean some Republicans. Look, if he didn't, if he wasn't trying to say what it took to get elected, then he would just say I'm pro-choice. Because his history is clearly that of a pro-choice man. But he's saying I'm pro- because his history is clearly that of a pro choice man, but he's saying I'm pro life and he just keeps repeating that because he wants to fucking get elected. Yeah, maybe. I'll agree. He has changed and softened some stances on issues. Who's Trump? Trump. Yeah, but he like which ones? Well, the wall. He still wants to put the wall together. He is, but he has to leave that plan about it.

Immigration. I'm sorry, not the wall. Yeah, I think he's been lenient on immigration. No, no, not lenient. Just soften the language he's been using. I can actually point to something very, very specific about this. So like, you know, he's like Trump releases a press release that literally says like all Muslim immigration must end until we get this thing all figured out. Sure. But a couple of weeks ago on Meet the Press, they asked Mike Pence, is it still his position to ban all Muslim immigration until we get this figure out? And Mike Pence said that is no longer the position of the campaign.

We believe in super vetting, ultra vetting people from areas that we have a problem with. Exactly. But there's a difference between looking at somebody's background and banning all Muslims from coming into America and he had to flip flop on that. That's where they call it a flip flop. Like it seems like the sentiment of we need to keep radical Islam out of the country

was his initial point. But the way that he expressed that initial point was an immigration ban based on people's religion, which is like the most non-American thing you could possibly do. Like, if you come out and talk to him, yeah. I disagree that letting people in the country at all is an American thing at this point. There were a nation of immigrants. We were when there was no protection for the lower classes when immigrants equaled slave

labor. Then we were a nation of immigrants when it was a libertarian utopia. Then now every person who puts their foot in the door is a bill. It's not the idea that immigration somehow benefits us now is preposterous. You don't think so? No, I think immigration heavily benefits us now is preposterous. You don't think so? No, I think immigration heavily benefits us now because there are a lot of jobs that middle class white people just won't do. That's the most insane claim that I've heard from people.

I can say I can give you an example though. I believe it was Kansas who passed a law that said, if you're an illegal immigrant, you are not allowed to work on a farm in Kansas. And because that happened, farmers couldn't find enough people to pick crops and crops went fallow. And here's, here's, here's, here's,

this is why, no, no, no, no, go ahead. Do you have more than that? Or is it a different topic? No, no, no, no. All I'll say is this, immigrants buy shit. Immigrants buy a shit. No, see, this is a different topic? No, no, no, no. All I'll say is this, immigrants buy shit. Immigrants buy a shit. No, see, this is a different topic. Okay, so if you've got a farm, you take any business.

They've got their PNLs. They know how much they need to pay to make a product. If you just remove the labor force artificially and then expect other people in different circumstances to work for that same amount. It's not a valid experiment. Like that's not even a valid thought experiment to say that the slaves we had working for you are no longer available.

Find new slaves. They say, well, I can't. You made it illegal for me to have slaves. And well, that must mean that only brown people will only immigrants will do this job. If there was a, like if there was actually no access to a ready pool of slave labor, all its wages would have to go up. Somebody will do the job. Somebody will do a shitty job where we talked to Casey Coot, what we talked to Hot Wheels

last week. Somebody will do that. Somebody will fuck you for three. She said, I don't do that several times and then suddenly it changed to, well, maybe for five grand, like there's, there's a dollar amount you can find. That might mean oranges cost 10 bucks a bag,

but you can get there. I don't believe that white people don't have to clean our toilets. I, you're making a lot of sense. I think that actually, I think that's actually a very good point. But I will just say that I think that immigrant labor, just generally speaking, makes everything stronger.

I feel like immigrants, they spend a shitload of money in sales tax, they spend a shitload of money in local taxes. These are all things. By the way, Donald Trump says that he pays instead of federal income taxes. He's like, well, I have all the sales tax money I pay. Like, well, no, wait a minute. He pays a ton in payroll tax. Well, yeah. No, he has to. No, of course, no, that's true. I just think that rich people hoard their money and they use it to make more money.

Poor people spend their money as soon as they get it on food and on gas and on cars. And I honestly feel like having a large immigrant population is really good for the economy. But I want to agree with you. So the idea of hoarding, yeah, order for rich people to keep their money from deflating, they have to invest it. Like, they've got to keep it going, which means putting it into other little companies

that need the dough. All right. The concept of hoarding is a strange one to name. I guess, unless the, unless the interest can keep up with the inflation, you can only do that in the market. You, You can't just hold on to your money and have it be inflate like a savings account. That's kind of a killed. Yeah. Well, there are no, the interest rates are so poor now. They weren't always. Well, on CDs, I mean, but the, you know, the, yeah, CDs used to be amazing. Yeah. I mean, the inflation rate, I think it's 2% so like you have to, a CD would have well exceeded that 15 years ago. Yeah, exactly.

Along as time ago, like the thing about rich people hanging out of their money is just, they don't put it back into the system. They put it into these higher systems and they, you know, to save it for any day. And of course, that's what I would do with my money if I were rich. Like I wouldn't spend it, of course not. That's how you become rich. But the thing about poor people is poor people are the engine of our economy, whether they're legal immigrants or not.

Like poor people go out and they buy, you know, poor people go out and they buy clothes and they buy dinner and they do this and they do that and, uh... And you want to bring in competition for them? I think that having, I think that consumers power the American economy and having more consumers is better. What about them, though? What about the guy who's actually going to the field to work? I'm sorry, I don't know.

I don't know what that is. A guy who's going to actually cleaning toilets and stocking shelves and actually... This competition for those jobs. Yeah. You open the floodgates. Those guys doing those jobs come in. People aren't coming to America and competing with you for writing jokes, or they're not coming in and competing with white collar jobs.

They're competing with the poor. You're making a lot of sense. No, look, you are. I don't want to just be some asshole here who just agree with you to disagree with you like you honestly are making a lot of sense. I mean, for me, it's like my dad's an illegal immigrant. He's not gonna do America twice because they kicked him out the first time.

And now he runs a small business. He has a family that all went to college. He's got cars. He has three or four houses. It's like, Well, your father's Greek, right? Yes, I do see. Yeah, obviously, Yes. I don't see. Yeah. Obviously, coconut. Did he open a hamburger stand with

heroes? Oh, yeah. My dad worked. They always do that. Oh, yeah. My dad worked at 19 restaurants. My dad drove a taxi. Uh, my dad took like every single job you could take because he was trying to support his family. Like, um, nobody, it's, it's a Greek thing. Of course, it's a great.

No, you work it so many stands with thing. Of course it's a Greek thing. No, he worked his son with his hands with Euros. And there's blue. He worked all over New York. Absolutely. He sold the coffee in the little cups. Like, so, I mean, you know, I can sit here and spout statistics that are, I'm not a man. It's like, I'm a stats on this aren't great.

Why would you have them, though? Like, they don't convince anybody. I know, they don't convince anybody. I mean, you're absolutely right. It's just like for me, I like the idea of a place where a poor person can come and become a rich person by working as hard as possible. And like, so that's why I like the idea of open borders because I mean, you know, do you think that's possible?

I don't anymore. I don't anymore either. If you cut first of all, very rare. If you come in in if you're coming in illegally and you're a woman you're getting raped. I mean that's the odds which is not it's a bad appeal bad image for America. Second, I think if you do make it in your stuck being a slave for your entire life. You might want your kids to get a one up, but every single job you have available, there's an influx of people at your level fighting for the same job.

It just seems massively unfair to me. And the whole reason it's a thing is because all the giant companies that profit from it make it a thing. Like they use, they talk about hoarding cash, Apple, the big companies that hope that have more money than, you know, the treasury in cash are the ones backing. Clinton isn't that weird? Like does that set off any alarms for you that like Apple and Google and Facebook, all these big companies would be backing that side. But I would say that in the 2012 election, they were backing both.

Like oftentimes large corporations just give massive donations to both candidates. But both of those in 2012, that's the difference in this one. Like this is the, I wouldn't have voted for either. I didn't vote for either candidate in 2012. I didn't do it for 2018 either, because all they would do is make companies money. This is the first time where Trump's literally getting out and the funny comedy dinner and saying, you're all fucked.

You're trying to mill people, you're trying to squeeze people's blood into money. Fuck you. I'm going to take it back. I think that the facts of Trump's tax plan shows, show that that is not his true opinion, because when he finally released his tax plan, it was massive tax cuts for the rich. But the tax cuts for everybody. Well, well, granted, Hillary Clinton

wants to give a tax cut to the middle class. Donald Trump wants to give a tax cut. What? That's the middle class. Donald Trump wants to give a tax that. What? The middle class. Yeah. Well, yeah, but that's, I mean, that's honestly not. I mean, so that's fault.

So if there rich people get their taxes lowered, like, they're still paying percentage wise more. I just wanted them to pay more more. We'll top of that. That's a real question. Yeah. No, he's wondered that. No, but I mean, my real answer would be that in the 1940s,

the upper class paid about 82% in two. Yeah, it was similar to England. Exactly. The wealthiest of the wealthy paid a shit ton more money. And as a result, we had more money. Like Kennedy lowered it. Yeah, Kennedy lowered it. I mean, honestly, 28% something like that. Both sides are cozy with big business. I don't think that you can credibly say like, Donald Trump will be harder on corporations because Donald Trump's tax plan is a massive giveaway to the rich. And to real estate, he wanted to take care of some taxes that honestly only affect people in the real estate industry, just like him. So as much as we want Donald Trump to be this like populous crusader who's going to go out

there and fix the problems, like when you ask him what's your plan, his plan is to do what George W. Bush did. And like what George W. Bush did led to the great recession. You know, every time you put a Republican in charge, the series is very simplistic saying that one president caused the entire recession. I mean, Clinton revoked Glass-Steagall. No, I, yes, which was also terrible.

Also terrible. All in the door for speculative banking. Yeah, but if George W. Bush had his brothers, social security would have been privatized. It's the first thing he tried to do after the election. He was like, I've got capital and I want to do this. And it's like, it's also what he says was the main failure of his presidency. Was it not privatizing? Yes.

Well, that he answered that shortly after he left office. It's still got to be saved. It's yet to be solvent. Yeah, but you could make the Social Security Trust Fund solvent by removing the, because I believe like after $250,000, you no longer pay into Social Security taxes. I don't know why that is. I feel like you should pay for it. Because you're responsible for your, they assume you're responsible for your own retirement

after that. Yeah, but it's like, but the system why that is. I feel like you should pay for it. Because they assume you're responsible for your own retirement after that. Yeah, but the system needs that money. The idea of a social safety net is that we're all putting our money into something that if we ever get fucked, we'll help us. It's the same thing with in Los Angeles or in California, with unemployment taxes. Like, you can, it's like, you've got to play unemployment taxes no matter what. And the reason you're doing it is in case you get fucked one day. And so I like the idea of everybody contributing an equal percentage of their income to make the Social Security system solvent because like, yeah, you may be rich today, but everyone at Enron was rich today.

And then the next day they were poor. I think it's fine that you like that idea. Yeah. And the difference is not only do you like that idea of providing a social safety net, but you like the idea of paying the police to hold a gun to my head and forcing me to support the idea.

That's the difference. It's a big difference and it's not a small one. No, look. It's not pay your fair share, it's pay your fair share or else. If you don't think I understand the basic appeal of libertarianism, it's like, of course I get the appeal of libertarianism.

It's awesome. The idea that like by the sweat of your own brow, you could go out there, make your money, keep your money. Use that money to make more money. Like, yeah, I think that's awesome. But I think that in order for a system to work, in order for roads to get built, in order to have an army, in order to have police,

like we've all got to pay our fair share. And I don't think they're rich or paying their fair share. And I also don't think it's their fault. because the thing is, if someone walks up to you and they go, do you want to pay 40% in taxes or 30% in taxes? What the fuck? You're going to choose. Yeah, exactly, 20, 10, 5, 0. Of course, you're going to pick that.

It requires politicians to have some sort of courage and defend an unpopular idea that we all have to pay our fair share for the system to work. That's not a popular idea at all because there's people like you who can take care of themselves. I think someone's convinced you that that's not a popular idea and that it's the entire narrative of the campaign. I mean, not an unpopular idea is supported by more than half of the country, which is give me more money. I want, I see you've got money. I want you to give it to me over here because I want more of that money.

Like that's the, it's, I think it's a very popular idea. But everybody thinks they're going to be rich one day and nobody likes paying taxes at all period. Like for example, I work really hard at my job, but due to some family's circumstances, I have to pay a lot of money in taxes and I fucking hate it. I hate having to write this check. It's terrible. I was a freelancer forever because I couldn't find a job because of the great recession. And I would have to at the end of the year, have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to the federal government. I had to go on like an installment plan

to pay my taxes one year. And who's gonna vote to pay more taxes? Who's gonna vote to do that? You can list all the great things that a federal government gives us and all the terrible things too. But like, at the end of the day, nobody wants to pony up the dough.

They want someone else to do it. So if you go out there and you say, I'm gonna lower, I don't want nobody to do it. Exactly. So if you go out there and you say, I'm gonna lower every section. Or they want nobody to do it. Exactly. So if you go out there and you say, I'm gonna lower every section, well, that's a more popular position. It just is.

All right, where's our moderator? Now, let's wrap this up. We gotta get going. How about in wrapping up each of you, tell us why your candidate should win the election. This is the only, and this is the last chance that you have to vote for somebody who will stick it to the entire system. This is the last time that we're going to be able to do this because everybody else is

so deeply embedded and deeply flawed and be hoovent, be be holding to these huge corporations that it will never happen again. Time Warner and AT&T announced that they're going to merge. The only person who could stop that is Trump. If you're satisfied with your cable package, vote Clinton, because they're all, they're all merging. They're all coalescing. They're all getting together. If you keep the same old guard in charge. Sounds like an anti-liberitarian concept, the two private companies wouldn't be able to merge and make a bigger private company. They could provide, they could provide better service and, but they never provide better service. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, corruption, AT&T and Comcast have built these empires on government corruption. The reason why cable companies have a monopoly is because small governments let them in. Like, there in no part are cable companies adhering to any kind of libertarian philosophy or law. In no way are they regular companies.

This isn't like Joe Shou Store wants to merge with Timmy Tom Sack Store. This is like, these are companies that have been taking advantage of the law for decades. I just don't keep continuing to do so. I just don't think it's fair to pick the parts of libertarianism that you like. It's like, if you truly believe in a while,

businesses, what's about these two businesses? Trying to merge and make one even bigger business. And it's like in a libertarian, it's like who would say that if America had been libertarian for the beginning, that it wouldn't also be a kleptocracy. Like what's that? A kleptocracy is a governmental system where the rich fleece the poor. Yeah, it's stealing. That's what I thought.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, it's stealing. That's what I thought. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, unfortunately, I would say that I want change, but it's not Trump. I think that we could all get excited about the idea of a Bernie Sanders presidency. It's really hard to get excited about the idea of a Trump presidency or a Clinton presidency. But I think when you see the two of them on stage next to each other debating, you see that one of them would make a better president than the other one. We can wish, we can like pour all of our wishes and hopes and dreams into Donald Trump.

We can say like, this is going to be a guy that's going to go in there and shake up the system and do what's right and all this. But every time he governs in prose, every time he tells us what his positions actually are, it's the same old shit, like granting a massive tax cut to the wealthy as the idea with the idea that that will spur economic growth. That doesn't work.

Voodoo economics doesn't work. Granting it to everybody. Why not just give it to the people that need it? Everybody needs their money back, dude. Everybody, they work for that money. You explain why they get any at all. Everybody's, and I guarantee you that a thousand bucks means more to a middle class family than 20 grand means to a one percenter.

But the premise of your question is that one person will cut taxes on the middle class and the other one won't. And that's not true because Hillary Clinton wants middle class tax cuts very badly. I don't care about the taxes. Okay. I don't care about tax cuts at all. If his taxes go through, I don't give a shit. I only care about locking up trade deals and stopping illegal immigration.

Well, then I get, well, then he's definitely, I care about Apple paying China eight dollars of phone and making billions of dollars when they could be paying Americans to make the phone for $70 and making less profit. But Trump's not going to be the guy that does that. That's a 30% that's his, that's the number one thing he's got is taxing goods made over seeing him come in, which is the one thing that a lot of liberals agree with him on. Oh, yeah. That's that that'll totally change that'll revitalize the middle class, that'll fix

the poor in the middle class to me. But why would he start to take money out of China now? It's like his whole career has been putting money into China to make his ties, to make his hats, to make his, to steal for his buildings. He has so many deals that honestly, we don't know about it with foreign countries because he won't release his taxes and why won't he release his taxes? I don't know if you're arguing the party line or not understanding how business works. You cannot make compete like if you have,

if you're a business, you have to take advantage of everything possible. Yeah. And that means manufacturing in China. But why, but the thing is, I don't believe that a man who thinks, who his first thought is, I'm gonna make this stuff as cheaply as possible, is gonna be the man that's gonna make these products

more expensive because he hasn't shown a history of doing it. Oh, no, I'm sorry. The products are not more expensive. Companies are already charging as much as possible for their products. You Apple can't charge you anymore. It's that they won't make as much profit when you sell them. They don't pass.

Right. Exactly. You're not going to get any argument from me that everything should be made in America. I don't like the idea. It's like I have to be granted. I only wear clothes that are made in America. For example, you know, it's the one thing that as a poor person, I can do to put money back into the system. Like, I need my, I need my cell phone. I need it for work. Yeah. I got to buy it from China. Like, I need my computer. I need it for work. I got to buy it from China. Like I need my computer, I need it from work. I got to buy it from the fucking Foxconn factory. Like yeah, you're not gonna hear any argument for me that everything should be made in America.

And honestly, I would pay more. If you told me that I'd to pay $100 or $200 more for a made in America phone, I would absolutely go out and buy. And that doesn't help the prompt, that doesn't fix the prompt. And here's the thing, I want to go back to something that you said, which is right, that people, and I'm not saying you are under the mistaken impression that if something costs more to make, if it's a luxury item like an iPhone, that the cost is passed along to

the consumer. And one has nothing to do with the other. No, not at all. No, I know exactly what you're saying. We're granted. Their profit margins would be lower. But I just don't think that you can trust Donald Trump to bring American manufacturing back or to successfully convince foreign corporations to repatriate their profits.

I don't think you can- So it's not worth a shot. He hasn't shown any aptitude for doing that. Like everything he's done has pointed to the opposite. So now he's up on a stage and he's saying, I'm going to do the right thing. You're 17 years old. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do you call it the right thing? He's been doing the right thing the entire time. For himself. Well, he's company. Yeah, exactly. But, but what you're talking about,

he's been doing the efficient thing. I don't think there's a right and wrong. And if you're talking about morality and wrong, there's nothing wrong with the Chinese people getting paid to make this, there are people too. I'm not talking about, that's not how I want to put it. I don't want to get in a right and wrong because everyone's going to do the best thing for themselves. What I'm trying to say is that I don't believe

that Donald Trump is an accurate messenger for the very real things that you're bringing up. Like for the very real economic changes that you wanna see made, I don't think a president Trump can deliver on that stuff because I don't think he actually believes in it. I think that a president Sanders could, but I think that a guy who's willing

to say, and look, I know that they're both only to say whatever it takes to get elected. But like, you know, when he was, when he went down to Mexico, it was the perfect time to bring up the wall and he didn't do it. Like, I don't know. What, what do you mean? Uh, yeah, it's true. Hold on, let me get called out for that too. Trump, Mexico, is it? Uh, you know, Some of the Donald Trump says all the time is that he's going to build a wall and that Mexico is going to pay for it. When he was finally in the room with Mexican president, Peña Nieto, he did not bring it up at all.

Why would he bring that up? Why would he bring that up? Because why not start your negotiating early? Like, you're telling Trump how to negotiate? Yes, I'm saying, if you want to get, it's like this guy is essentially running as deal maker in chief. Well, he's in the room with President Nieto,

and the first thing Nieto says is, I'm not paying for this wall. And then Trump goes, eh, well, let's move on. Let's just talk about this stuff. Because he only went down there for a photo op. Like, don't you want to show that you got the balls to go up to the person who you're saying is going to pay for this wall?

You're going to build and tell him like, here's my plan for you to pay for this wall. Like you're in the room with the guy. Like you're not going to try to get the signature accomplishment of your future presidency done. How about this? What if Donald Trump had come back from Mexico and said, I negotiated a great deal with President in the Aido and he's going to pay for this wall I want to build. Well, then he would have accomplished something. But that's not how, I don't even know how much stock

to put an armchair quarterbacking for a guy who's built his entire business on making deals. That hardly seems like a gotcha. But you're thinking about the Trump Corporation as a good business. He's gone bankrupt three times. I've been bankrupt. Oh, of course, my family has been bankrupt.

Many businesses have gone bankrupt. Absolutely, but what I'm saying is... You bring it up to discredit the business, so why? What I'm saying is he's making his entire case is that he's gonna be the guy that cuts good deals. He hasn't shown a history of doing that. He had to get bailed out by his dad twice. Currently, Trump hotels are changing their name to Sion hotels because Trump's campaign has ruined his own brand. I don't think that this guy is a smart, a businessman as you give him credit for.

I don't know how much credit you need to be a decent businessman, to be a great, good, decent businessman, just somebody who puts a business mindset where it might help us. I don't think anyone thinks he's Warren Buffett, but he understands the fundamentals that politicians don't. I think he understands what people want to hear more than politicians do because he's

willing to say a lot of really outlanded stuff that is resonating really hard with his base, but I don't think that he has the business acumen that he himself would tell you he had. Now, granted, he's not a Warren Buffett. But not saying that Warren Buffett's a Warren Buffett. He'd be granted this. But like, you know, he's written a book called The Art of the Deal and he talks about how it's really great to make these win-win deals. And it's like, right now, his entire campaign is a win-lose deal. If I'm elected, Muslims won't have a place in America. If I'm elected, you know, I will make sure that pro-life policies are being enforced. If I'm elected, we're gonna have more law and order

and all this crap. And it's like he's just saying what people wanna hear. But when he's saying this stuff, he's turning, oh, and then all this shit he says about women. It's like, you're the deal maker here? You're the guy that says I can go into a room and close any deal. And you're going on TV and you're calling women fat pigs and slabs.

Like you're saying that the people who have accused you of sexual assault aren't attractive enough to sexually assault. How are that rally? I did. Yeah, I watched a lot of this rally. I saw that rally live. Yeah, joke. Of course, it's a joke, but how are women going to vote for you if that's the kind of joke you're making? How about this? It's a joke. Of course it's a joke, but how are women going to vote for you if that's the kind of joke

you're making? How about this? It's a joke and I actually think a lot of us jokes are really funny, but if a woman's going to tell me that that's not funny and that's offensive, I'm going to be like, I understand why you think that. So if she probably understands why they think that. Of course. So if this guy is so great at making deals and getting there and closing the deal, then how come he's 12 points behind in the polls? The ultimate deal to close would be becoming the president. And he can't close this deal because he can't keep his fucking mouth shut. I guess we'll see.

Justin, thank you for moderating. I'm going to wrap this up. I have to say there were some excellent points made on both sides. Great points on both sides of the aisle here. I'm curious to see where the fans vote. I'm curious to see where they go. Time will tell. All right, thank you, Asterios Coconut. I'll put you book up on the website.

Yeah. Dustin, thanks buddy. We're gonna wrap it up over here. Thank you. All right, I'll talk to you later. Thanks, man. I'll talk to you later. Thanks, man.