The Dick Show - Episode 24 – Dick on Gloating

Episode Date: November 15, 2016

Download the MP3 I welcome our new Pepe overlords, peace and understanding in riots, Madcucks pitches his wares and doubles down for 2020, the Rage Board finally gets some rules, getting out of cars slowly, nightmares my face has caused, subscription personalities, how to win at identity politics, the future of Lettuce Jones, “People of … Continue reading "Episode 24 – Dick on Gloating" The post Episode 24 – Dick on Gloating appeared first on The Dick Show.

That's your truck. Trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk, trunk Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to Dick! You need Dick! You love Dick! You want Dick! It's the only podcast where everything is a contest. I am your host, Dick Masterson. With me is Sean, audio engineer. A dick.

Paid more on this show than on any other podcast. He is currently working on What's Up up buddy? What's up buddy? Oh boy, we've got a lot to go over today. Oh yeah. We're in a new America. I was so afraid. Listen guys, I don't have to eat my book. Oh my god. Do you know how that works? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I was so afraid. Listen, guys, I don't have to eat my book. Oh, my God.

Do you know how that feels? I thought I would have to eat my book every poll. Said I would have to eat my book every single post on Facebook. Every think piece in the whole world was telling me I was going to have to eat a book. Because you actually contemplate how you might do that. How you're going to cook it. How many dozens of people were sending me recipes. They're saying like, they're making a book.

Oh, they were saying, make it like a paste or something. Yeah. So just so everybody understands what happened in 2008, I wrote a hilarious book called Men and Better Than Women You Can Go on Amazon. You buy it right now. Hugely successful book. Most books sell thousand copies or something like that. Might sell like 40,000.

And still, still it's hated. Like still people in the publishing industry will not let me write a second book just because they fucking hate a satire book that they themselves published. Huge win for them. They don't understand that they're in the business of selling books though. They think they're in the business of brainwashing people. So I don't get a second shot. But in that book, I said an off-handed comment in the book, because I thought it would be funny. If a woman is ever president of the United States, I'll eat this book. Not thinking 2008. Sure. You were a kid.

Oh, yeah. I thought it would only be black men from then on as president. Yeah. I mean, didn't we all? That was, I thought, well, who the hell is ever going to run not a black man as their party's presidential candidate? I want to hear more about this theory. Yeah.

And that's, well, yeah, why would you run anyone else? Like they're just saying what you told them, what the lobbyists and the big donors tell them to say, why would you not let a black guy do it? Both sides. Some would say we had a black man with Bill Clinton. Well, just saying. Just, just say, yeah, it's all, anyway.

I, in the book, I said, if a woman's ever president, I'm gonna eat this book, right? Not thinking that my book and myself personally would become this big cultural phenomenon. Yet here we are. So the primary starts cooking up and they're like, hey, dick, you better get ready to eat your book, you stupid asshole.

We all hate you. You're the guy America loves to hate. You better gear up your taste buds. You better get your mastocating ready because you're gonna guy America loves to hate. You better gear up your taste buds. You better get your mastocating ready because you're going to have to eat your words. You stupid motherfucker and I'm thinking, oh shit. Come on, Bernie. Please, then Bernie comes out of nowhere. I'm thinking, praise Jesus, Bernie Sanders. They're going to, they're going to obviously vote for this old white Jewish man who's offering

more free things than anybody has ever offered in the history of the world. He's obviously gonna win. Thank God for no reason he loses. And I think, well, because they, because they conspets, why Debbie Wasserman Schultz is not head of the DNC anymore, because they got him out of the way. They wanted him gone. They don't tell it like sandbagged. But you know who is the interim head? What who is Donna Brazil? Oh, she's the fucking worst.

She, she's the current interim head and she leads the DNC. She leaked the big questions. But, but I get the Hillary Bernie question awful. You know, it's, I don't understand all the love, the love mania that's sweeping the nation in the form of violent protests right now. I don't understand why they're not protesting. The people who robbed their election. Like, we didn't do it, we just put a guy up. And he's running a stand up routine.

A cool dude. A cool guy who just makes a lot of funny jokes. And we're like, yeah, I love that guy. No, because they're sports team or religion or whatever you want to call it, should win by any means necessary. Yeah, but it's like, they'll never directed at themselves.

But they don't even have to direct it themselves. They could just direct it at like their coach who just sat, who benched their winning quarterback. Like their coach, the DNC took Sanders, great quarterback, sat him down for no reason. They said, well, let's put up, let's put up crooked Hillary. I can't throw a pass without looking like it's made out of a fucking banana to save her life. Let's put her in there. I just don't know they differentiate between the coach and the players. Also, I don't know they differentiate between the coach and the players.

Also, I don't know how you've talked about the election this much without calling Trump a racist, a homophobic, a xenophobic. I mean, I know. You're really skipping over the big major. Just real quick. Just real quick. Look, we'll get to that.

My point is, Bernie lost. And I thought, oh God, no, I'm gonna have to eat this book and that's when the recipes started pouring it. Oh my God. People saying, some guy saying, Hey, Dick, you said eat the book. Why don't you like, why don't you put it on an SD card and then swallow it like trying to give a dog a pill?

Oh, that's right. And I said, no, no, no, I would be more ashamed of doing that than if I would eat the book and crumpled up bits, page by page. I'm of doing that than if I would eat the book and crumpled up bits page by page. I'm not doing that. So then the chef started coming out there. You got to, we got to turn it into a paste like almond butter. You got to turn it into a paste and then you can put it, you can like, souffle it or

whatever. I'm like, that's going to take, I'm going to have to eat this book for a whole year if I do that. Like I'm going to have to split it up into so many meals that I'm gonna have to eat this book page by fucking page and it every day, it got worse every day. Trump's talking about, then he's talking about grabbing buses and I'm like, Trump, buddy, buddy, please, please God, work with me, please, it's like I'm sitting, it's like I felt like I was sitting in the car in on a busy highway or in like the middle of the ghetto

and my dad who's Donald Trump in this case is like, don't worry, I got this. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna ask these gentlemen for direction, I'm like, oh God, no, please don't go, do what, please don't do what you're about to do. It was my friends. I'm gonna tell you two election stories here, but the night of election, the night of the election,

the Tuesday night, Cernovich was holding a big party down in, where was it? Huntington Beach? Huntington Beach, I couldn't get down there. I couldn't get down there because I was gonna be shit face drunk, and I knew it. And I was going to be, it was either going to hook so dark that I did not want

to be around anyone or I was just going to be totally annihilated. So I went to American Joe's bar in North Hollywood, my sanctuary. It's a good bar. My fortress of solitude because they will hang in American flag up in the LA, right? This is unheard of. There's, there's a LA session players who go in there a couple nights a week, like you'll go in and you'll be like, this ain't a bar band, man. There's no, they're incredible serious fucking players.

They're incredible. So I get, I get there and Florida starts rolling in late at night and Hillary's pulling ahead and I'm tasting the book in my mouth. And I'm talking to 80s girl, I'm like babe, look, we need to have a serious 10 year plan on how to get out of America. This is a real problem because we're never gonna get a vote again. They're gonna all, this whole, the whole country's gonna change. We're fuck, we gotta get out of here. Like this is, this sweats are starting to come in and then all it gets down to the very, the, my darkest moment where Hillary's

a, I mean, Wolf Blitzer and whatever that lantern jaw guy we're making out on television. Did you see that part? They were pretty embarrassed. They started open mouth kissing each other. And I, 80s girl went to the bathroom and I sat at my table looking at my whiskey. And I said, God, God, please, God. I've never bothered you before. I don't believe in you. You bastard, you fat asshole. If you, if you fuck me on this, please, God, please, please, please give me what, please

let us win one time, Lord, please, I felt like I married with children, special episode when I was like, well, God, if you could just not, if you could just please not take this one away from us, this one thing, because Trump is so funny. He's so funny, God. He's so funny. And he's been entertaining so many people

for this last year. If you do this, I'll do anything. I will run, I'll do anything you want. Just you have to tell me explicitly though, what you want me to do. I'm not gonna start throwing out ideas. Like, you know, you tell me. You come to me, I'm just gonna put a condition on it.

I'll do anything. I'm just saying. You gotta tell me, and Sundays are not good for me. Sundays aren't, you know that, though. God, you know, because I'm holding my own church in the form of me, and Sundays are not good for me. You know that, though. God, you know, because I'm holding my own church in the form of this show on Sunday. Tuesday nights, whatever you want me to do,

it can be for like two hours. Any other I'm good for about three days. You've got to be very explicit, though, because a lot of people do things in the name of God, and they mess, I don't think that that's what he wanted them to do. So I'm not just going to start throwing things out. You know, you tell me, but I said,

please Lord, too many people are throwing things out. Throwing things out, right? Hey, I'll do this. How's that? How's that got? If you want me to get to and don't give me a sign, it's like, he's fucking busy. God's very busy. He's got, he's running an email deficit of seven million emails every day. He's got food to withhold from a lot of third world countries. I know how much work it takes to hold that much food back. Do you know how much work it takes to make a hurricane and a tsunami to just murder hundreds of thousands of people that's got a lot, he's got a whole CIA weather machine that he's working up there.

He's got a lot to do. Do you know how much it takes for God to hold all of, to turn North Korea into a cannibal state in this, like in this, in this era, in these modern ages, the amount of work that God has to put in to fuck up so many people's brains so that North Korea can be a cannibalistic nation under control of a nuclear despot. He's a very busy guy doing all this good. So I said, God, please, please, just, and it's an, oh, you got a blank check.

Whatever you want me to do, just let, and that's when, that's when, that's when the Twitter, that's when all the hey, dick get ready to eat book. You stupid, small, phased fuck, except they were saying much worse things that I can't even repeat. They were saying this horrible, horrible things on Twitter to me. That's when it started to change from fuck you, get ready to eat shit to you mother fucker. It didn't happen. It happened to lay. It happened to lay. Oh, Sean, it was like a movie. You could not have written it.

It could not have been closer. The sun, I was actually outside. I saw it through the window. I saw the very last light of the sun disappear down the horizon. And that's when the breaking news alert started coming in and going, tick, tick, tick, that's when the pulse beat of America came back, Sean. And the media started to lose their shit. And he fucking won. Wolf Blitzer. Oh, we finally Fucking one. We'll flip.

Oh, we finally won one. Wolf blitzer stopped giving tongue. He was pretending to be into it, but he wasn't anymore. What is the other guy's name that Wolf blitz is always kissing on CNN? What is that guy's name? Jake Tapper. He looks like a human version of Launchpad McQuack. That's not Jake Tapper.

No. Jake Tapper looks like a weasel man what is the other guy's name I don't know look look let me just say one thing okay you made a racism comment you know what I mean like that's the easiest thing that they always say oh you're a big it you're racist or you're stupid right this is what happens when people don't want to understand why somebody could possibly vote for somebody who they didn't vote well they can't vote for. Well, they can't now anymore. They spent a, go ahead, go ahead.

Here's the thing, Trump won multiple states that went to Obama. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So multiple voters. Yeah. It's black people voted for him. It's not as clear as that. Oh, you know, it's, I've been de-friended numerous times.

Of course. And only because I'm wearing the hat in my Facebook picture. I don't post on Facebook because it's degenerate. It's a sick thing that people do when they get on Facebook and post things to their friends, hey everybody, look at me. It's not even like you're calling someone

and it's like, it's like you call someone and say, hey, go look at this, this opinion I had. But like put it on by, it's, I've been messaged personally by like, guys I've worked with telling me they're ashamed of me and that they're unfriending me. It has been a fucking meltdown, this wave of tolerance that is now sweeping the nation because they spent a year saying that there is no way Hitler was going to be elected president. And then Hitler got elected president.

Yeah, I know you're being funny, but like Hitler. Oh, but to them, that's funny. That's not funny to them. No, that's what's so fun. How uneducated can you be? It's like, he's like Hitler. He's not anything fucking like Hitler. What do you mean he's like Hitler?

Hitler, are you living in any kind of, I know you're in a bubble, but Jesus tapped dance and Christ. Yeah, because he never did something like, let's change the voting laws after the fact, let's riot until we get our guy in there. That's something that Hitler did. Not every time, every time. And now that here's the difference now, I've been explaining why Trump is a fucking

godsend for this country. I've been explaining my political views, not everyone believes it. Obama got elected and I said, I get it. I get it. I don't think Obama care is going to work out like you think it is. Wait, you were writing then, right? Oh, I went around pulling hijabs off. I had a list. I wouldn't, I had a quota every day where I had to go pull three hijabs off and scratch faggot in someone's in a Prius. Every day I did that. Every day I did that. You weren't the first one to scroll that word onto a Prius.

No, every, I, I did it. Prius has that. Yes. They started printing the Prius started coming out of the factory with that pre-scrawl. And I was like, well, well shit, you beat me. Now I have to go back to my hate laboratory and come up with my racist misogyny laboratory and come up with new ways to make you feel threatened. You motherfuckers, you fucking snowflakes. So yeah, exactly. But in the middle of all my hate mongering and racism, I thought, I get what you're saying about Obamacare

and I agree with a lot of the things you're saying, but you just can't do it. Like you're saying you wanna do it. You can't give, as the thing I said the whole time, you can't give 20 million people healthcare where the doctor's gonna come from. Like, and they're like, well, they'll be more doctors in 20 years.

Like, where are the, you know, as many people who want to be doctors become doctors. It's like they're calling. Health care's gonna go up about 25% under this plan next year, which they saw coming. Well, regardless. It was, I got, I get it. I got Obama. I wanted him I get it. I got Obama.

I wanted him to be good. I wanted it to work. I wanted him to shut down Gitmo. I wanted him to get out of wars. Did he do any of that? No. So this time, I would just like people to say, hey, you know what, maybe, maybe get it, maybe get why Trump got elected and that every time you call us racist, he gets

another vote. It's like the miracle on 34th Street. Is that one it is? Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Every time, every time somebody is called racist on Twitter, Trump gets another vote. Well, isn't that basically what happened? That's what happened. The liberals did this. That's what happened. That's why he said he could walk down Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and no one would care. Because I know that no matter what happens to me in my life,

I don't want to be called a fucking racist anymore. Like it sucks. It fucking sucks to be called a racist everyday by your friends and your coworkers and the television whom I used to love everyday with the racist thing. Yeah, it's just not anymore because we run the government now.

So we don't have to explain why this is a good idea anymore because you have no say in it. And by the way, I don't think we do on the government. Not for a government. At least two years with the midterms. Except those midterms, buddy. All those seats are coming up in states that are so fucking red a bull would charge them.

Is that right? Good fucking law. 23 out of the 33 Senate seats that are up in 2018 are Democrat seats. Oh no shit. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the secondary story. No one's talking about it. Oh, no shit. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the secondary story.

No one's talking about it. Yeah, that 2018 is going to be a fucking nightmare number two for you guys. That's Jason versus Freddy is coming for you guys. And because we're going to take something anyway, the feeling of going, I went out with a friend of ours, the fancy pants that made the video logo for the show. You know, we, he's an old friend, goes way back. Mr. Pasty faced. The man in white, the white man.

Who's half Mexican? Who's half Mexican? Who's a Mexican? Quarter Mexican, whatever. Racist, Sean, that's racist. He's, we're all 100% Mexican now. It's wider than me. He said to me, he's like, well, I mean, you know

that he's not gonna build the wall. He said, well, well, Mr. White, it doesn't matter what I think, because we run the show now. I don't have to convince you of shit. By the way, look around, we're not gonna build a wall. How about if I said we're gonna build a freeway

down the border? Would you feel better about that? Cause we got one of those that runs up the entire coast and I don't see many people climbing over it. How about if we build a bunch of buildings right next to each other in a row, like in Manhattan. We take all 70,000 buildings and stretch them out down the coast.

You got a problem with that. I don't see too many people scaling buildings in Manhattan like fucking Spider-Man. We could do all this now, but the point is, I don't have to prove it to you that we can do this anymore. We're just gonna do it and you can suck it. Ah! It's the greatest feeling.

Should we wait for this helicopter to go away? It's been hanging around for a while. I don't think it's going anywhere. It's covering all the love and tolerance that's spreading out all over our big cities. These protests of love and tolerance that's sweeping the nation, like weaponized love, Sean. They've weaponized it in the form of fire

and smashing property. Of course. Yeah, okay, anyway. How long have we been recording so far? Oh, I wanna stay on schedule today. All right, well, we're 22 minutes, but we rolled a little bit before. I'd say we've probably been rolling about 18 minutes, 19 minutes.

No, that's what sucks about. It's a spy plan. Somebody says, you know what sucks about Hollywood? Is that there's so much crime here? Wait, he said he wants to stay on schedule. Yeah, schedule. I'm talking about what do you want to wait for this or not? No, you said what sucks about Hollywood? That's going to take a long time.

How bad is it? Funny. How bad is this? I mean, is it? It sounds pretty bad. Let me shut this window. Yeah, we don't have enough time on the show. Yeah.

What a shit hole. Well, the thing is is he's gonna be circling because I'm sure the cops have like a couple of block area cordoned off right now. Is someone, are they protesting right now? Oh, no, I have no idea. I'm just, I know they're gonna be looking for a guy. Yeah, they are protesting right now.

Yeah. Oh, okay. So those motherfuckers. As long as they're not protesting around the burger joint, I like,'re in and out Everyone out yeah, yeah power through just like Trump. Yeah, they power through just like Alex Jones Who with so many strange bedfellows in this election? All right, the look on Alex Jones's fat

Crazy face when The more locks won, motherfucker. We won this elect. Okay, so they'll believe. This is the greatest part about the, no, we can't, you can't build a wall thing. Because now all the same people that have been telling me I'm a racist homophobic and misogynist for a year.

Now they're telling me, I don't know how to build anything. I'm like, motherfucker, you guys have never built anything in your fucking lives. You don't think we can build, we got the space, bitch. We laid cable, we laid telephone cables across an ocean around the planet. We have a network of satellites in outer fucking space just so you know where you are down to the meter.

You don't think we could build a wall? I got a surprise for you. I could build the fucking wall. We don't even need to, we don't need to even need to go into our bench to see who could build this wall. Me and a couple of guys could build the fucking wall. But we got the Chinese house

some experience with building walls. With building walls, we get in there, ship it over. We'll text ourselves 35% of you. Fuck it. My one of my favorite points in the election was when Trump said, building a wall, They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did.

They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did.

They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did.

They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. they Yeah, that's all we're gonna do. Did you see Martha Raditz? No, it's the anchor. ABC, she's like an anchor. Oh, she's going to decided she wanted to run for president and that one debate. She's sitting next to Anderson Cooper. I mean, she's a journalist holding back tears.

Journalist. That's what anybody who is purported to be a journalist should immediately be mistrusted. The tampon salesman. It's a car salesman. It's like, that's why they exist to sell ads. Act like you have fucking been there before. Act like you're some sort of a fucking professional

in a report on what's going on. Nope. Jesus fucking Christ. I do wanna say the concern trolling that is going on right now is out of control. What's that? What's that? Concern trolling is like, okay, yeah, Trump won.

But the atmosphere of hate is now so out of control. Trump needs to come out immediately until all of these hateful hate mongers committing hate crimes to stop doing it. This needs to happen. It's like, well, I mean, we already have laws against doing crimes. What do you want? We couldn't stop the crime with the threat of jail. What do you think there's magic words that he could say that will stop all of these crimes

both real and imaginary from being... And by the way, I have a question for everybody that keeps promoting this culture of hate thing. What is the penalty for reporting a fake hate crime? I think it's nothing, right? Basically. That's thinking of police. A fake, it's basically nothing.

To the police, it's a fake police report. But what is the actual psychological damage that's being committed? Asterios jumped on one of the threads on my Facebook and posted this graphic account of someone being beaten with a beer bottle by supposed Trump supporters. And I looked at the thing, it was, it was sent over to Fortune where they have weaponized autists working top autists. You understand?

I do. I do. Not top men like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. This is top autists working on it. The most autistic of the, of our bunch. The worst of the more locks, we have a whole division. 400 pound packers. That's our, that's our cue branch. Okay.

Is a root, is a whole hive of autists working on doing bizarre things. And we plead with them like the geniuses at the Apple store to please look at this case of, when you use your autism for the powers of Trump and of honesty and truth and see what happened. And they cast some real doubt on this story then I see immediately it's just like, one after the other accounts of hateful violence being confessed as a scam or a hoax,

just to manipulate and it really fucking sunk into my brain that like well You're totally you as a person when you fake something like that You're not just committing a crime against wasting cops time like you're fundamentally eroding Human a human connectivity. Oh, yeah like because people feel feel like they feel this connection with you and they feel this compulsion to try to help you and to gather their fellow human beings around you and you are really eroding trust among people. It's such an egregious crime

that I can't imagine a proper punishment for it, like faking a fucking hate crime. What is it? I don't know, it's stumped me. It's stumped me because go ahead. I can usually, I feel like I can get in the people's heads. I can't get in the head of someone who does that. I genuinely don't know.

I genuinely don't know. Crying wolf about a hate crime. So you're like, you're mad at something and you go out and you scratch something into your car. And then you say to someone, I was like, I don't get it. Okay, let me tell you what makes me a rage this week. Oh, that was, we haven't hit that yet. No. It's when chicks take,

it was the recap. It's when chicks take too long to get out of the car when you've parked your car. It's when chicks do, because they sit, you're ready to walk away and lock the doors. Right. Because I, because you've been driving and driving is a nightmare for everybody, right? There's only one or two people on the planet who enjoy driving.

One of them, yeah, Al, Al, on Sir Jr. is that a race car driver? Yeah. Yeah, him and my cousin, my cousin in Nebraska are the only two people on Earth who enjoy driving. And probably that guy, even that guy who mowed down all the people in France on Best Deal, they are what I, even he didn't enjoy it. No, even though he was serving his Lord in a lie and killing people, he's still like,

goddamn driving, still a pain in the ass. That was the pain in the ass of it. So even if he almost didn't do it, every fuck, yeah, he almost didn't do it. He's like, well, I'm not, could I just call a lock and I call an Uber, if send me a sign, a lie. If you want me to mow down these people, I needed explicitly, because I'm thinking about, it send me a sign a lot, if you want me to mow down these people, I needed explicitly because I'm thinking about it's just such a long way because I got

a drive too that he was probably pissed off about driving. Yeah, to it. They tried to talk him into the insurance. It's like when you don't run to the gym. They'll shake your head at me, coach. You know that he was laughing at. You know that he was laughing at. This is too good.

That's good. That's what was going through his mind though, like, fuck, I got it. Maybe I could get a ride. I'm doing the suicide bombing. You guys at least give me a ride to the place where I'm going to fucking drive there and worry about the gas and all this other bullshit. When you drive, when you, when you, when you drive home, when you get done driving home after a long drive or whatever you were doing with whomever, but the woman is there, your woman is there, your girlfriend or wife or whatever, she's there and you put the car in park

and then you're ready to jump out of the car because that's the last place you wanna be and you look over, you go to hit that lock button because your car is a piece of shit and you need to lock it manually from your side. What's she doing? She's sitting over there, dicking around with her purse or a phone or something.

It's like, well, we were counting. You saw where we were going at all times. You don't need a GPS. You saw what we were getting off the freeway. You saw that we were driving up to where we live. You saw that we were getting into the parking lot and getting into the parking space. What were you doing all this time? What were you just, you just sitting there enjoying

the ride like you're a fucking magic mountain enjoying the roller coaster ride so that when you sit there the bar pops up and then you start worrying about getting out. No, you start worrying, you, the second you get in a car, that's when you start thinking about leaving the car. That's when you start preparing. I want you to be prepared. That five seconds of time, you start that at the beginning. So when we get there, you're ready to jump out of the car. That's all I'm saying. I mean, I still open the door for my wife

and I thought the reason we did that was because they weren't sure. It was yet time. You opened the cute, let them know. Yeah, we're actually arrived. We're not at the stoplight anymore. God damn it. All right. I think I got a cheese responsible for opening her own door. It may go badly. A four way stop. Right. I think I got mad cucks on the line. Let me see. Oh, yes. There he is. Oh, that's what I forgot his name was. It's mad cucks. Hey, mad

cucks. Are you there? Oh yeah, do come here. Hey remember when you brought in fuck face Donald Trump is a problem and said and I quote he doesn't have any real supporters. Yeah, I got a surprise I got to say I'm pretty disappointed with America. Go ahead, go on. I just, I really thought that all my campaigning and content, content. So, against the Donald Buddha, we talked to me getting, you know, him not elected president, but it just didn't work out. No, I didn't.

I don't really know why. I got my arguments were really good. What were your arguments? Can you summarize what they were? Well, he was a fuck face. And he was a big hit. And he hated Muslims. And he wanted to deport everybody. Yeah, everybody.

And he was overweight. Yeah. Unhealthy. Yeah, he was unhealthy. Uh-huh. I just, I don't know why nobody got on board with that. So what is your position now? Are you ready to eat crawl?

Like a crow made out of shit and get on board the Trump train with everybody else? Are you, or are you actively rooting for America to fail? Well, I'm not an idiot. He would ask that I eat my own book for something stupid as a woman get elected president. I'm not eating anything, Dick. I opted. I said, if a woman's ever elected president on Twitter, I said, I went on a real Twitter tear.

Yeah. The night of the election. And I got like 400 retweets. I've never gotten, I've never even said, I went on a real Twitter tear. Yeah. The night of the election. I got like 400 retweets. I've never gotten, I've never even heard of someone getting 400 retweets before. I said, if a woman is ever president, I'll eat my own dick. I got 400 retweets. No, that was just, that's my new bed.

That's my new bed. Well, that's why I'm reading for Michelle Obama, 20, what's the next one? 20. Well, I know you failed Matt. So adding four to 16 is probably tough, but it's 2020. 2020 that yeah Sean edit that part out where I don't know what numbers were you got. Oh, you got it. That's why let me just buy.

Okay. That's why I'm moving from Michelle Obama 2020. Okay. In your face, Dick. Why hurt? Why Michelle Obama? He Okay. In your face, Dick. Why, why Michelle Obama? You did like a real pickup. Yeah, that's actually how Maddox sounds when he's trying to read.

Why Michelle Obama? Because she's got such great arms. Why do people always say that? Those, those arms can reach around and cradle America and rocket gently back to a not a racist place the Donald Trump's gonna make it for the next four years. We need those arms, Dick. People say it because women are terrified of their arms looking like flying squirrels. That's why they always fall about it pictures and say they never have their arms resting against

their bodies. Yeah, that's like their version of telling a guy like, hi, how you doing? You have a huge penis. Like that's their version of that. Oh, your arms look really fantastic. There's not an ounce and inch of jiggling flapping is to your arms at all. That's how women agree to their in secret and see that they're all they just like.

They're just making it up. So what else have you got going on, my mad cucks that I interrupt you? Or, no, uh, well, I was working on my book this week, but I got some really good. There was some new dark souls down though to find. I've been really busy with that. And then after I found out about the election, I've been doing a lot of research about things like impeachment and uh, hate crimes. And I started, I started to research moving to Canada, but apparently, things like impeachment and hate crimes.

I started the research moving to Canada, but apparently Candace got a really good immigration system. How great is this? It takes about 10 years. You gotta have a sponsor. You gotta have a job. And they didn't accept deleting Reddit posts as a valuable occupation.

Hey, man. The plus side about moving to Canada was I was gonna be able to give Sean a raise because we're going to pay him with Canadian dollars. So this is going to be a bigger number but it's going to be basically the same amount. Hey Madkek, so what's your opinion of the electoral college? I think it is bad and they should get rid of it or if they're not going to get rid of it they should, they should get rid of it. Or if they're not going to get rid of it, they should expand it.

So there's like, how many people in America, like a million of them? Yeah. There's like, there's about a million people in America. There should be about a million electoral vote. Oh, I see. I think that's what they should do. That's a good idea. Yeah.

You know, I actually looked it up because I wanted to know why there's an electoral college. The first, the first way that they were going to do it was just have the Senate elect the president directly. And then the other side said, no, we got to have a popular vote. And then they mad in the middle. They're mad in the middle. Well, they, by much smarter men than the ones walking down the street, lighting cars on fire right now and having cryons at their universities. Madcogs, I saw you had, I think,'s walking down the street, lighting cars on fire right now, and having cry-ins at their universities.

Madcogs, I saw you had, I think, a new chapter in a new video out. Yeah, I just, so I started to announce my candidacy for president. Okay. But apparently, you're a little late with usual. You have to announce it before the election,

and I wasn't really sure when that was. Yeah. Otherwise, it looks like you just regurgitated good content because you're incapable of creating good content anymore. Some people have said that. I would never say that. So the thing is, I don't have ads on my website. I don't know if you know that, but if you go to my website, there's no ads there. Right. But YouTube clicks that count as as as money revenue. So sometimes you take an article that was really successful in the past. Oh, I see. You turn it around.

You make it a YouTube video. Bam, you get, well, you get money for the first time, but it's, uh, it's kind of like a double whammy. Okay. You got anything else? Uh, well, I kind of want to talk to you about all of this anti black people and Asian racism that's been going on in America. Okay. Asian racism. God Emperor Trump was elected. Oh, yeah. There's Asian racism going on. There's a, well, there's a graph here from the Southern poverty law center. Okay.

Anti Asian is both the graph isn't set up so they're in order so it just gets a big problem. He's wearing five crowns in his Skype video. Yeah, the guy's wearing five fucking crowns. I got to figure out how to. He's got him right now. Yeah, yeah, he's on Skype video. I have to figure out how to get him on the video

that goes on Patreon. We're moving to a new studio next week and I'm going to get a whole new setup, new computer, better cameras, better sound baffling equipment. I'm going to get a better, Sean's going to be better looking in the new studio. That's how good it's going to be. No more of this Hollywood shit. A hot chick or even a hot, by the way, Mad Cux. Thank you very much for the call. Where can we see more of you?

Drop your... Well, you can, you can check out my new book pages. They come out on reddit.com slash r slash Mad Cux. Okay. And what about for the straight listeners? Where can they go? So what the straight? Where can the straight listeners go to check out your stuff?

Well, that's... Thanks for being out on YouTube, mad space cooks. Okay, awesome, thank you buddy. Always good to hear from you. Surprise, Maddox is coming out pro Michelle Obama, 2020. He seemed a little defeated this, this, this, you think so?

A little bit. Yeah, I guess it sucks to tell, to laugh derisively at one side and then have your ass totally handed to you. Yeah. So, so perfectly by the entire country to be told to go fuck yourself. Especially when you, when you come out, not as anti, but like as so unfunny, anti, one side, one entire half of the country. Right.

When you tell an entire half of the country that they're racist and then they tell you to go fuck yourself. Maybe that explains why he's defeated. What was so interesting, I mean, none of the polls were close and that was, it's, one was, oh, was it the USC poll? Was LA USC poll? Oh, you know what? I did see that.

Yeah. I did see that where they actually had them with a slight lead. And they, they poll differently. Well, here's the thing. I always assumed that tons of people were lying about who they were going to vote for. Oh, yeah, because they don't want to get slagged off as a racist. This choice, my own fucking dad got called a ray on Facebook. My fucking father who posed something about like, hey, Trump gave up a cushy job to help make the country better.

Like, if you don't like it, just stop talking shit. Hey, one, that's your, his own, he's 100% Mexican, 101% Mexican probably. Somebody's come, by the way, never get it, I've never get like an urgent call from him in my whole life. He calls me, I'm too drunk to speak. The night of the election goes,

hey, call me tomorrow, as early as you can. I want to talk to you about some stocks. You got to jump on like, oh shit. Okay. So I just didn't alarm to talk to my fucking dad. Yeah. I don't know if it's okay. Anyway, yeah. He's got to, he's got to basically getting called a racist right. He's a fucking Mexican. I mean, you know, not that they're mutually exclusive, but he's not off limits. He might be out of the country as well. He's, I know, I know. That's a thing. I know a guy who works on set. Yeah. He's not off limits. He might be out of the country as well. He's gonna be out there. I know that. That's the thing. I know a guy who works on set.

Yeah. He's a lighting guy. And he was saying that there's a girl there who is on a work visa from Sweden. Totally legal, everything like that. And she comes to work the next day. She goes, well, I guess I'm gonna have to figure out what to do.

Like I'm gonna have to, I've got to figure out how, how you know how to get back. Like all this, he's like, well, are you here legally? Yeah. Well, you have a work visa? Yeah. You have, he's like, you're good. You're good for now.

Yeah, you're good for now. But that work visa is taken away in America's job. Hey, let's, I mean, she's a well aware of that. Right, like those work visas are all fucking scams for the most part. But she's there, she's done the necessary scam paperwork to do everything. She's not wrong.

I don't think anything's happening. Now, I think certainly not happening quickly. Not happening. It'll be a couple weeks before. But it was just, it was just that, yeah. It was just that immediate, like they're gonna, how hot is she? That's gonna be the new form.

How hot are you? How big are you cans? That's your work, Jesus. All right, let me, I got some announcements to make here. First of all, the shop is open. Already selling out of products. You go to shop.thedictshow.com, or if you're fancy, you go to shop.e. dot thedictshow.com.

Both we cater to both, because we have a very fancy demo on the show, but you can pick up the shirt that I'm wearing right now. People on Patreon, the Patreon feed can see the shirt that I'm wearing right now. You can get a sticker. I'm going to throw some more designs up on there this week, very high energy store. Go, go pick up some merch. You'll love it. You look great in it. Tweeted it at me. I'll put it on the store. I got like 20 people already sending me pictures of themselves wearing the shirts. Each one looks better than the last. That's the, they look so muscular wearing these

fashion forward shirts. I can't even believe it. I'm turning gay, seeing all, seeing how it's attractive. All of these men look in their shirts that they're tweeting at me. Announcement number two, we're going on the road. I'm putting a new Patreon goal up on Patreon because it's been such a huge fucking success. I'm putting a new goal up there for the road rage, traveling dick show show starring me and you and maybe a stereos if he isn't deported by then,

maybe. Well, anybody else, anybody else who I choose to bring on the road with it. Well, do it a couple of times a year. It'll be a big shit show, right? You're on board. I'm on board. You're pro coach. You're probably on board. No, no, no, no, no. No, you're not on board. It takes you, it takes a lot to get you over probably on board. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, her up on. No, just, it's an odd name. You were really, you were into that girl. She was hot, I think. Yeah. She was hot. She was hot. Okay.

She's tearing up the news babe, rage board. She's beating our other news babe, Casey Coop. So I think I'm gonna have another news baby next week. Let's see. Ah, this is a lot of stuff to get through. Let me get, I'm gonna, I wanna get this guy on the phone because I've always been talking about this rage lottery. Ah, this is a lot of stuff I get through. Let me get, I want to get this guy on the phone

because I've always been talking about this rage lottery. And as we know, everything is a contest, but I haven't yet pulled anybody out from the rage lottery, which has been my mistake, and I apologize for that, excuse me. What we're going to do for the rage lottery, which you get to enter in if you're on the Patreon, I'm going to pull it out. You get 69 seconds to make your case on what makes you a rage or more or more.

If you're really rolling, like if you're really talking out of control, 69 seconds to make your case, then you get on the board. And I'm going to bring in, I think I'm going to bring in two or three guys to compete against one another, not next week, but the week after that. So in order to demonstrate how this is done, I'm going to bring on, I'm not sure what he wants to be called, but a Shan Marl, because I kind of stole one of his rage topics last week. He sent me the whole hsd versus HD thing, and I raged about it, but I didn't credit him.

And that's, that's my bad. So I want to have him on, I want to give him a chance to get on the board. Let's see if, see. Hello. Hey, what's going on, buddy? Now, what do you want to be called? Like everybody else who's a fan of this show, you got about six names. Oh, Hayden blaze. I'll just erase my name. I don't like my username. Okay, you're aware Hayden of what's at stake here? Getting on the personal and professional reputation. It's on the line. It's on, if you sound like a fucking asshole

or if you say some shit about your girlfriend, you might just disappear off the whole earth. It's happened before on the show. Just remember, this is gonna be how you're remembered for the rest of your life. Don't tense up. Rest of your life. Probably Googleable now since you're going with your real of your life. Don't tense up. Rest of your life, probably Googleable now,

since you're going with your real name, are you prepared to rage for 69 seconds and show everybody how it's done? Yeah, vaguely. Right now you're competing against my man, you're competing against the likes of Mad Cucks and Coach and Denzel, they're all up there in the top three, Esterios, Coconos, the anchor babies.

All right, are you ready? Sure. All right, go. Okay, so my problem, or it's not problem, it's not a problem. It's not a problem. Not then first of all, that's a false start. False start. We're no longer doing problems.

Now we're doing, I don't know. It makes you a rage. Go, go, I don't want to interrupt. Go. Well, makes me a rage is social media vanity pieces. So that's the best thing I could come up with for a name for them. It's these things that you see on Instagram, typically from chicks in particular, where they post these pictures of themselves, like journaling or reading a book or their Bible or something like that. And it's always like at the most uncomfortable angles that you see these pictures taken at.

Like you have to imagine from a third person how these things are taken. Like, they got to have their phone like, you know, a foot above their head holding their arm straight up so they can get their legs in the shot. Yeah. And like, they're, they're broken. They've got like a leaf or something stupid or like a small pumpkin. Yeah. So they can like show how, you know, sophisticated they are.

And you can tell that they sent like 25 minutes taking this picture and like editing it and putting it on Instagram right now like a scripture or a quote from a song. And then like two minutes actually doing the journaling or the reading that they are claiming they're doing bullshit. It's just ridiculous and it's such like a vanity thing. That's it. Stop. Stop. That's it. That's it. That's it. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. it. That was good. That was down. Very good. That was great. You know what they should do? I was reading while you're while you're raging and I had a second to think about it and take it in. I realized they should have like a social media jerk off narcissism package of the month for these types of people where they send you a package. Everyone's off the tongue. Yeah. Probably think of an acronym for it. They send you a package. Everyone's off the tongue, doesn't it? Yeah, probably think of an acronym for it. They send you a package of fake shit

that you can pretend to be online. You can put a little bust of Lenin in the background and you can just for the whole month, you can take pictures of your communist manifesto. It's themed, so they sell you a personality, basically. Every month, you get a personality delivered to you that you can pretend to be online. That's really good. It's a good fucking idea, right?

We'll call it, well, it'll be fuck, fuck me. You'll order a fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me package. You get it. How many fucks? 10 of them. Fuck, fuck, fuck package. And you get some, you know, or maybe you'll just get, maybe you're really into music, so you'll get like a violin.

It'll all be cheap shit, of course. Not a real violin. Yeah, some vinyl albums. Yeah, you'll put them up like some, Ed of Fitzgerald, what is the jazz singer's name? Is that her name? Ella Fitzgerald. Ella Fitzgerald.

You'll put the vinyl in the back, right? Ed of James. Ed of James, thank you. Ella Fitzgerald, Billy Holiday. God, I wish you would go to bar trivia with me sometime, James. Edit James, thank you. Thank you. He'll be. Billy Holiday. God, I wish you would go to bar trivia with me sometime, Sean. I really wish that you would. I would kick you in the door.

What if I could do it sober? I don't know. We should find out. I know. All right. I like those trivia games. Hey, and thank you very much for participating in this old new experiment that we're doing. That's good.

That's fun. All right. I think we're going gonna have to wrap it. Oh, here's something else. Wait a minute, hey, are you still there? Yeah, I am. Okay, are you the one who found out that the grade A under A guy is a dickhead?

Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, I tweeted it at you, but I think actually, Mumpke Jones was the first person who noticed it, but I tipped you off. Okay, so you know who grade A under A is, right? It looks like a Reddit, it sounds like a Reddit user. He's a YouTuber, like he's a big YouTuber,

and apparently Hayden, you found that, or who at Monkey King found out that he's using my name as a placeholder. Well, no. No, okay. Well, yeah, okay, yeah, I guess, I don't know what you're going to say finish. I was using my name as a placeholder for other people's names in his video.

Okay, no. So basically from what I understand anyway, that like he made that entire post himself, like none of that stuff was written by anyone that's real. Okay. Like I think he just like made like a fake screenshot to show like in general what this thing looks like. Because you also notice, I guess I will will mansplain now. Yeah, go ahead, please. Some hints. If you need a minute, you're going to get your outfit on. We'll take it.

I'm already wearing it. I'm already wearing it. I'm already wearing it in just a facet of a call. Yeah. You'll notice a couple hints here. Zero people like this on the status, which is not a thing the Facebook shows. Right.

If nobody likes it, just show anything. And also the comment that's supposedly by you has 69 likes. Oh, wow. So if he made that, he chose, if he had fabricated that entire screenshot, then he would have picked my name to put in there. Yeah, just to make you look like the voice of reason, I guess. Oh, that's cool. I like that guy. I like his videos.

And then also one other thing is the status was posted nine minutes ago, and then the comment was 11 minutes ago, which does not chronologically make sense. Oh, it's clearly not a real screen job, but he just used your name, I guess, to, we got a real artist in our hands here. Get all the show. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. I'll show you. He's one of our top artists in the phone right now that we're talking to.

Listen, don't please don't ever let us upset you. You are, you're a, you are a special wizard class of people. Hi, man. Thanks for the call. Have a good one. Yeah, thanks, you too. Let's get a couple questions from Dustin then. And then I'll play some voice mails and we can do the bonus episode.

We got time for it, right? Yeah. Yeah, all right. Let's do it. Yes. Dustin, what's up, man? What is going down? Good. Happy, welcome to Trump's man? What is going down? Good.

Happy, welcome to Trump's America. How are you doing? I hope you're doing great again. Like we all are. Pennsylvania was on fire. The swing. I saw it coming. I saw the writing on the wall.

At first I was really scared, but once we started swinging, the fucking Trump was on the spot. Do you know Sean? Do you know that the Amish saved us? They riot like mother fuckers too. People were afraid to upset the Amish. Do you know that they saved? You know how much lager they have on those buggies?

I was fucking thinking of pulling out like a lager fumes. And pulling out of the Amish. And PA is going out of business if the Amish, if they start taking shit away from the Amish. Is it every bowling alley? Is that real? So what you said? Do they really like to bowl?

Yeah. That's like your thing. Well Do they really like to bowl? Yeah. That's like their thing. Well, Kingpin was a documentary. Yeah. It was like the amount of Amish who voted was like just his victory. Really? Yeah. And the entire population obviously, the entire Amish population probably voted for Trump.

I don't know. I don't want to play identity politics here, but let's just assume that. But if it's like somebody said it was like the ends, like the, those tree people in the Lord of the Rings when they like finally got motivated to all get together and lumber across the forest because they never do shit for anybody but themselves and they don't have any technology or anything, but it was like finally we got two little fucking hobbits that went and convinced the homage that they got to get up and get in their horses and buggies and shit and go vote against Clinton. It was so, it's so fucking great. Anyway, okay. They just throw, they just throw Trump and Pence on their shoulders and start walking

towards Mordor. Yeah. Trump and Pence were the, the hobbits that convinced the, the tree homage people to get up and move into, into Sohran, crooked Sohran's layer and take down his policy of, um, selling the rights of the manufacturer based of America, sorry, okay. Go ahead, you got some questions for us tonight. I do. Yeah. We have a lot of really good questions this week. Okay.

Brandon Foster Williams, he says, this is months late, but I guess I'll shoot anyways. I live in the San Francisco area. And when I heard the dick would be at the blue grass festival I wanted to go to it and attempt to hopefully run into dick I love to buy the man a beer whiskey, but I don't want to come off as creepily desperate as if like the status doesn't fucking completely do that If we do run into you in person how high energy should we be? Very high energy. I don't just I don't care Yeah, but you don't care now. I've met just, I don't care. Yeah. You don't care.

No, I've met a, I've met a couple of fans. They were cool. Just not touching. Is that weird? Is that weird for you? No, it's not weird. It's great. It's, I guess it's weird in that when I meet them, I suddenly start remembering everything I said.

And I'm like, oh my God, they know that I think these, they know more, more than I, well, because they know and more than I, well, because they know me more than any friends I have and my family and they still want to talk to me. And I'm like, why, man, like, why could you possibly, because I'm only honest on this show. Well, that's, see, that's, I, Howard Stern made a comment a long time ago

and I thought, how could that possibly be? He said, see, everybody thinks the radio guy is the act, but he goes, I think the radio guy is the real guy. The real guy is the act. That's how it's, sometimes it's easier. I found that in the small amount that I've done it. It's hard to explain why it is, but it's, there's no, there's no like immediate negative feedback

when you're not talking to someone. Like when you're talking to someone and you start testing their boundaries, there's an immediate feedback, and as a person, you're like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me just pull back here. Yeah, you're talking to someone and you start testing their boundaries, there's an immediate feedback. And as a person, you're like, oh, whoa, whoa, let me just, let me just pull back here. Yeah. You get the feedback later in this. Interest.

Yeah. But on this show, I just talk. And then I realized like an hour later, I'm like, I can't even fucking see where I started. And this was a controversial time or whatever it is, like whatever one weird philosophies on life are. Yeah, man. Come up and say hi, definitely, definitely buy a beer, probably two at a time.

You know me, you guys know me better than anyone I actually know. So all the Patreon money's going to beer anyway, so we're just cutting out the middle. Yeah. That's awesome. What else you got? Let's do one more. Two more?

Yeah, yeah. Let's start with this two more. This is two more. Yeah, yeah. Let's start with two more. Let's do two more. Nicholas Mahafrey, he says, you're showing your fan community inspired me to become a lift and get my fat ass in shape. Oh, nice. I've been faithfully going to the gym, increasing my lifting capacity, keeping my heart rate up, drinking water, all of it, but I'm not feeling the pump when I'm done.

Why? Why do I just feel tired instead of invigorated and manly? Well, that's tough to say if you just started working out, it's going to take, you got to build up a base, you got to get, you got to turn those muscles into factories of masculinity and testosterone because right now they hate you. Your muscles, your muscles, they're like a woman, They don't want to be let on. You can't just jump in and think that they're, you can't just walk up to them and say,

hey, I'm a good guy, I'm not going to do you wrong. I'm not going to do you dirty. Why don't you come out and spend a night with me and they're going to say, they get, your muscles are going to get coquettish. They're going to say, you prove it to me. You show up, you put in the time, your muscles are like a, like a Victorian age woman.

You need to go ask my dad how, if you can court me. So you ask your heart, which is the king of the, the dad of the muscles. Like, hey, can I date your daughter? I want to take her to the gym and put her through 10 reps of on the machine. I got a whole Olympic weightlifting circuit that I want to put your daughter through. What do you think in your heart? We'll say, we'll see. If you show up and start, then the muscles might get into it.

Then the muscles will, and once you start treating them properly, once you start taking them to the gym, and once you start feeding them, lots of NO2, and creatine, and glutamine. Once you start treating them right, then they'll come around eventually, and that's when you fucking hammer them. That's when you've really got them,

and there's no going back. When you're hurt, because when're, because when that, that's when their dad is into it. That's when the heart is into it. He starts fucking pumping that blood all around full of glutamine and creatine and all the other teens that I don't know. I have to go get my weightlifting supplements off the fridge to see what they are, but that's when you really got those muscles down and you hammered them every fucking day until they say thank you. Does that help? That's fantastic. Wait a minute, let me get Nick on the phone and see if it helps.

Yeah, all right. What was that? Nick Mahaffey? Yeah, yeah, we got a song from him. I'm another one coming too. I'm going to cut you short and I'm going to play Nick Mahaffey's song. If that's okay. Sounds good.

So Nick, Nick and a band called the Cuck Sockers. Which is a fucking great name. Cuck, Cuck, like the Cuck, Sockers, like they punch them. But also sounds like Cuck Sockers. Yeah, called the Cuck Sockers. Oh, I didn't even, I didn't even get it. You get it?

I want to make sure everybody gets the fucking joke, because it's so funny. Okay, here's the song that they sent in. You got to take your ear. Everyone needs to take their life. And you can find it all right here. Everything's a contest. Who rages the most? He's on a quest to find who would make the best go-holes. Welcome to the Diction.

Welcome to the Diction. Welcome to the Diction. Welcome to the Diction. Rock up in the ditch, oh! Rock up in the ditch, oh! Rock up in the ditch, oh! Rock up in the ditch, oh! Oh, great. Cool, right? Awesome. You mixed that for them? I touched it up a little bit, yeah. Oh, man. And they did all the instruments? Yeah, they did the instruments. They sent me the tracks and...

Oh, that's cool. That's awesome, yeah. It's gonna put it together. I love the musical undertones to this show. I think it's a great, a great aspect of it. The musical contributions of the guests. I think it's great. Yeah, they're fucking cool. He's got another one coming too. Really? That's really good. Oh, yeah. I can't wait. That's fucking cool. I guess if those guys have, hopefully they'll have a band camp before this show goes up or something. I'll put it on the page. Go to thedickshow.com to see, to see any of the creative stuff that people send in. Denzel, fucking Denzel. So

you remember when Denzel made that bet that he could write a movie better than the hangover too in a month? Yeah. He said he completed it. He sent me the script and I sent it to Randy. So he would give it notes. Yeah. Rainy's real Hollywood producer. He's scripted and I sent it to Randy. So he would give it notes. Randy's real Hollywood producer. He's read hundreds, hundreds of scripts. He has hundreds of words. Yeah, not the best words. Maybe not the best words at all. Maybe one day he'll read the best words.

Might be Denzel's script. He's got to stand the game in the wild. So Randy texted me back when he got in, he goes, it's only 65 pages. And I was like, oh, okay, Denzel, back to the drawing board. You've got to send a real script. Yeah, you know, it's about a minute of page. Yeah, so like 90, 100 pages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me 100, 100 pages. You halfway there, you got halfway there. And you said, send me, crown me, King Denzel. All right, this has been the Dix show. It has. Go to thedixcho.com, go to patreon.com, slash the Dix show for more.

See you next Tuesday. Whoops, whoops, whoops. Or that, whoops, whoops. Seems like I was gonna be milking out. It was fun. Yeah, you almost worked. Oh wait, I forgot, I do covers now. Okay, this cover is by Beaty Beats.

BET beats. Not the letters. I actually spelled out B-E-E-T-E-E-B-E-D-S. Beaty beats. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it cool? Oh fuck yeah. Coolest fucking thing in the world dude. All I gotta do is do what I normally do, which is scream it nonsense in my apartment on Sunday morning except recorded.

Then they send it in the real-in-the-70. They're actual creative stuff. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, let me complain more about 80s girl not getting out of the fucking car when I'm ready to get out of the car. Oh, by the way, left the record. Anyway. I'm gonna play some voicemails.

Dick, I heard about I'm in basic training right now. I'm only on a lot of my phone because of a victory my platoon had. I needed to call you during this very special time. you during this very special time. Good. When I found out that Trump won the election, that was the same day I was doing my rifle qualification. And that news filled me with such a spirit of elation and hope. Sensor pride. Yeah.

Being on the Trump train. Sensor pride. I went out there with my rifle, my own 16, gone fucking re. Yeah. Pew, pew. Ooh. Qualified as an expert. You guys. Yes.

Yeah. So all thanks to Trump. Yeah. He has to share that with you, Dick. Freshest time I have right now. Freshest little time. Share it with you. Hope you are celebrating.

Have a good day, Dick. Sean. Yes. you too, buddy. Thanks. I'm gonna celebrate the rest of my fucking life. It can't take it away for some expert marksman. He's an expert marksman. He was inspired. He was inspired by the power of Trump and me.

Maybe not in that order. Maybe I can tell. You can't tell. Dick, I haven't gotten the same. I'm in Trump, I want in that order. Maybe I can tell. You can't tell. Dick, I haven't. I'm not good at it. I'm not good at it. I'm not good at it. I haven't a good authority that it's not over yet.

And the electoral college still needs to do something. Yeah, good luck with your no states and no senate and no congress. You dumb motherfuckers. Do you take a basic civics class? Civics want, I mean, take, so take fifth grade fucking social studies. Good luck abandoning the Electoral College right after election, where you lost everything.

Good fucking luck, you stupid assholes. Good luck, good luck, California. Go split off from there. Good luck, it was funny when off from there. Good luck. It was funny when Texas did it. They're all stupid backwards, racist hillbillies. But now that Silicon Valley wants to do it, now it's only prudent at this juncture.

We've got a reform the electoral college worked fine for 204th, 30th, what is it, 220 years. But now this one time it fucked up. So that's it. That's it. We're all gonna band together. We couldn't beat a orange rodeo clown, but now we're gonna band together

and fundamentally reform the election precedent and laws of the entire country. Long, long overdue. Meanwhile, we're tearing our property down. Well, here's the thing, is that Michael Moore is going to get serious about it. Oh, he's going to get serious. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I heard he was a Trump Tower.

He wrote a note. He wrote a note. He wrote a note. He was eating a taco bowl. Yeah. No, that's what he started eating. He started eating the whole menu just to make sure that Trump was right when he was saying that that was a good taco.

He wanted to make sure that anything else on the menu wasn't inherently racist too. So Michael Morshield had to trump tower an eight the entire menu. I accept the taco ball. Accept the taco ball. He wanted to prove to Trump that Trump was a racist. So he showed up to Trump tower and he ate everything else

on the menu except the taco ball. Just to prove it to people. The Trump is a racist. I'm saying these things in their farcical, but that's not far on. We've got to reform the electoral college with what? Yeah. Well, we're going to start a revolution with what guns you morons. You took them away. That was the point of the second amendment for the exact situation that you're describing

if he was Hitler and by the way, the other side has guns for fun. But we have guns because we like them. We're not using them as a tool for political revolution. We just have more guns than we have hands for the hell of it. What are you talking about? You have nothing. You have nothing.

And you can suck our cock now. No offense, no offense because, look, I don't agree with a lot of Trump. That's a lot of the stuff. First of all, I don't agree with a lot of imaginary stuff that might happen. I have no fucking idea. That's why I made that joke last week

that I disavow Trump, that I was just doing it as a joke. Because now, who the fuck knows what's gonna happen? Who the fuck knows what's gonna happen? Of course. Everybody just settled down and actually wait until something you don't like happens. Yeah, as opposed to, I was like, he's not gonna do all that shit he says

because it never happens. He doesn't have never happened. Not the way this just, and you know, somebody commented and read it that something about him deporting all Mexicans and it made me think all of this bad stuff he said is never stuff that he said at the beginning. Like, I want to make my, it's all been responses to things people have said. Right.

I love the, I still hear about this database of Muslims, right? Do you, did you ever see that? I won't go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. He's like signing autographs and he's like, what are you gonna do with the Muslims? We're gonna look into a lot of things. Yeah, we're gonna do a lot of things.

Would you do a database of Muslims? Yeah, we're gonna look into it. We know he said we're gonna look into a lot of things. Yeah, yeah. But even the way you said it was even worse. We're not saying what he said was, what he's saying is basically I didn't hear you. I'm just repeating the same fucking thing I've got. We're gonna look into a lot of things. We're gonna look into he said was, what he's saying is basically, I didn't hear you. I'm just repeating the same fucking thing.

I thought we're gonna look into a lot of things. We're gonna look into a lot of things. And he's like, what about a database? We're gonna look into a lot. Like imagine the number of crazy, the amount of crazy shit. I've one of those people that shouted something crazy at him. Like Trump, Trump, you gotta win. You gotta win.

And he gave me the president of the United States. My friends gave me an affirmative nod And he gave me the president of the United States, my friends, gave me an affirmative nod. He gave me an affirmative, did he hear me? No fucking idea. I could have said, Trump, earth is flat, earth is flat. And he would have said, yeah. And then I would have said, boom, got him.

Trump is a flat-erritor, nailed him, nailed him. Looking back, I think that you're looking in his eyes when he started to get serious. Me too. I mean, that was a real tipping point. I think that he remembered it because he's probably laying in bed. He's probably wakes up from a cold sweat and trump tower and he turns to Melania. She's there looking a lot and sexy.

Hey, he's girl left, so now I'm talking about him. He goes, and he goes, and he's panting, he's wakes up and, ah, ah, he's all sweating all over his fat body, which is cool, which is cool. I love that. That's my favorite part about him. He's so fat. He's all sweating all over his fat body, which is cool. Which is cool. I love that. That's my favorite part about him. He's so fat. He's all sweating. He's like, God, satin sheets, his gold satin sheets, or else soaked in sweat and maligning it away.

And she's like, oh darling, what is... I don't know how she taught. Yeah, I was pretty good. Darling, I'm... Yeah, I'm a... Oh, that was good. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, what's wrong?

You're waking up in a cold tear of... And he's like, maligning it. This guy I met, his face was so small. I can't get it out of my mind. He's like, what do you mean? He has like a big forehead and he goes, no, it's his face. His head was huge. It wasn't a huge forehead or if it was his face, it was so small.

It looked like a dog's asshole. It looked like it was his mouth. But he was talking to me out of it. He said I had to win. He said I had to win. I think it was some kind of alien that was like with a skin stewed stretch. Anyway. Yep, it was turning point. You're not really fucking pissed with me off as a black person in this fucking country. How is it that everybody's okay with the term people of color? How's that not the same as color? I say the same thing. I'm like the racist shit. Yeah, but you're white. We've been apparently forced to accept. Oh, the fuck, I'm not a person of color.

I'm not a color person. No, it means the same thing. I have to be black. And you have to evolve to acknowledge that. Then stop fucking coming up with new ways to call me color Yeah, I'm not gonna get dead fucking on I mean, I'm not offended by it in that sense It's just a large nt away of putting it Not going back to the 50s, but it sure feel like you're on your fucking way if you call somebody a person of color Like that's magically not racist anymore Like that's magically not racist anymore. I'm gonna fuck this up with you. It is. I'm talking like I can't say why you're looking at this one.

It's not just a film. Yeah. Oh, people. How about it by it? That's some fuck stuff, shit. Yeah. Either way, shit like that is exactly what I Trump won. Yep.

Yeah. I don't really get two shit to the fuck. Anyway, I'm just saying. You're gonna Peter, see he petered out around 96. He's good. That's around 96 seconds. He's good. That's our 66 seconds. That's why we've got the 69 second. You got a rage for 69.

Go ahead. I like that. I've said that same thing where it's like, it's not because I'm like trying to change anybody's mind or anything, but it's just like it's a it's a very offensive turn. That's a really easy observation. Colored person, person of color. There's no difference there. Don't you ever, like I've...

Racist. I sometimes feel this, because I've always just said black people. Like, that's what. That's what. Or whatever, like, because I'm just describing. Most black people I know just say, yeah, the black guy.

They're like, it's simple descriptive language. Like, oh, you know my buddy Justin, like, the black guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's normally what the people I know prefer to be called. And it's also like, if I, if I were to say a person of color, I feel like my face would say like a weird message. Oh, yeah.

And then everyone would think like, well, why are you making that weird face when you say people of color? I don't know how to explain like, because it's a weird anachronism and it sounds racist to me, but I don't know how to tell you that simply. So,

whatever, I guess we're just sitting here in this weird dystopia where we gotta talk and funny work. That was another good one from Trump, where he's in a rally one time. He's like, oh look, look at it, black's or Trump, I love my blacks.

And the media turns it around. Trump owns slaves. Yeah. He thinks he should own black people. Yeah. Fuck the media turns it around Trump own slaves. Yeah, he should own black people. Yeah Fuck the media Here, wait, wait, I got two more two more. Okay, well couple more. All right. Let us show them just going back again Here is my political voicemail. So first of all dick. Yeah, congratulations. Thanks. I'm not having to eat your book Yeah, I think we're all you know

We're all happy for you for that But you know, it's really interesting when you mention Joe or Pio or whatever however you pronounce his name the guy who you know humiliates the inmates and gives them the bare minimum makes them go out in the sun blah blah blah blah basically a poll count Guess who may become the new secretary of homeland security he's not going to go a power oh no and it's not homeland security it's going to be something because this motherfucker is really cozy with Trump head of ice so great yes he genuinely dick like go fuck yourself you voted for a man who very likely will put me in a fucking chain gang I'm gonna be in a chain gang you You're gonna be in a prison wall.

You can't go to where? With a pickaxe, you know? How many do you? You know, let his Jones and that fucking metal bracelet around my ankle. Imagine this shit. I'm be singing the blues. Woo!

Woo! No singing in our piles, legit. No, no, no, no. This bullshit is not gonna be able to say. Fuck you. Fuck. Fuck it. You know, the one thing about Trump, though, man is not going to be able to say. Fuck you. Fuck it. You know, the one thing about Trump, though, man,

I just can't wait to see that, you know, all the things that you wish that you thought were going to happen are not going to happen. They're going to happen. No fucking wall. There's going to be a happen. There's going to be no deportation. It's not going to happen.

There's going to be, I guess, you know, yeah, banning Muslims from coming into the country is pretty easily. That's the one that's not going move that video from the site he's removed the stance so basically he said whatever to get elected just like everyone else and now Mike Pence Mike pray away the gay Pence is gonna be running the show dick you described Trump as your favorite candidate because you got rid of the religious yeah and just stayed on the you know conservative, conservative economics, whatever, right? Well, guess what? Mike Pence is going to be running the show.

You really think Donald Trump is going to do jack shit? He already offered John Kasich. He said, hey listen, you'll get to do everything. You'll be the most active vice president of all time. You don't think they offered the same deal to Mike Pence? The guy you got run out of his own state because people fucking hate him so much. Dick, we are about to get a very healthy dose of religious bullshit sponsored by the United States government of the next four years. Which religion should it make funny your ads? But you know, but oh, we're going to get the wall.

That's what you care about. Yeah, go fuck yourself. It feels good, man. You should have made funny your pictures then let us you like funny a time to make funny your memes for 2020 when you're sitting prison he's in a bunch a bunch of people have guessed about let us Jones's ethnicity too remember when he called on listeners to guess his ethnicity here? Hey, Dick, this is Kyle Kale.

I just wanted to enter the what race is what has shown competition. Oh, okay. I'm gonna go with white. You can go ahead and forward that prize over my Patreon. Patreon.com slash Kyle Kale. Yeah.

Yeah, thanks a lot. That was one, guys. All right, well, I've done this one already, yeah. Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot. That was one guys. Hey, well, it ended on this one. What do you think? Yeah. Hey, dude. Hey, Sean, it's Dustin with my prediction on lettuce Jones. So he's a white guy. Uh, I'd say young 20s white guy rich parents across between a rock ability and some guy that watches way too much Jersey Shore. 100% chance he has a cramp stamp or one of those stupid barbed wire arm tattoos. 70% chance he got. Does that cool? Really accentuate. Yeah. I'm gonna go out and say he's a New York

Keep the Delivery guy. It's very specific. Yeah. We're trying to start a fight. We still have that. An out of state guy for not agreeing that New York teaches the best. Oh, yeah. I like it.

I like that backstory. No, Mr. Dustin is never wrong. I like myself. I like the more specific. Yeah, I like the more specific guesses. No one knows what he did to go to jail or prison. Maybe he'll give us a hint. Do we know what's a fact?

Did he actually go to jail? He says he's going. He's going. Whichever one where you can get things sent to you, yeah. He's everyone explained which one that was jail and pray. I think he said it was jail, right? Yeah, that's the jail.

Yeah. I mean, where you can get a commissary and stuff. I think they have, I thought they had prison and stuff. Yeah, that's the jail. Yeah. I mean, what's going on? You got a commissary and stuff. I think they have, I thought they had prison and stuff. Yeah. There's a difference. Yeah. We talked about last week. Uh, we don't know.

We don't know what he went to, what he got busted for. I don't know. All right. This is a Diction.