The Dick Show - Episode 25 – Dick on One Million Downloads

Episode Date: November 22, 2016

Download the MP3 Thumb wars, liquor gravity, a terrifying mob of 20-year-old men, Team Snapchat, a Duck Tales revenge fantasy, the 200-pound hangover, a day in the life, goofy chip flavors, Denzel’s movie, Asterios’ shame, an open letter to your family this Thanksgiving, new t-shirts, a listener boxing match, I get slipped a Mickey, Sean’s … Continue reading "Episode 25 – Dick on One Million Downloads" The post Episode 25 – Dick on One Million Downloads appeared first on The Dick Show.

Yeah, yeah, welcome to dick. You want dick, you need dick, you love dick, you got it, it's the show! Where everything is a contest, I am your host, Dick Masterson, with me is always a shawnt, audio engineer. Hello dick, hey what's up buddy, paid more on this show than on any other podcast he is on, something I would like to change. Something I wish I could change. You and Trump. Something I believe we can change, Sean, in our lifetimes. Oh my God, I have got a 200 pound hangover today. To our speaking of everything is a contest. I've got a 200 pound hangover, and I'm trying to convince myself that it's a good thing in some way.

Okay. I look in the mirror and I see the red eyes and I tell myself, no, those are, those are eyes of power. I feel like this is, hangover has energized me. You know, I think you get that way. It makes you, it brings me closer to zero, the hangover. I feel I'm like Superman with his laser eyes. That's what I see in my red eyes. I have the strength.

I have invulnerable hangover strength. Do you, is that a real thing? Do you ever feel like that when I like when I have a hangover? I can go to the gym and lift like twice is I'm like unbreakable. That's seen in unbreakable. I'm just like keep putting the fucking weights on. Everybody in the gym goes ape shit. They're bringing over weights and putting them on and giggling. Yeah, sitting on hanging on. I got two big muscular men hanging on to the each side of the bar as I'm dead lifting it up When I have a hangover it gives me extreme power. Huh, it focuses my thoughts That's what a hangover does because when you're when you're hungover

You don't have the luxury of silly things to be thinking about silly trivial things You have to really focus, because you have brief moments, like Apollo 13, when they're slinging around, they gotta hit that mark, they gotta hit that target. That's what hangover is, your head is a swirl of pain and misery and wondering what you tweeted at home last night and terrified about,

because you have been on the dark side of the moon for hours last night. You have no idea. Unsupervised. Yeah. Because you're beyond supervision. Totally unsupervised. Just a couple of hours.

Just a couple of hours. Anybody? You wait, there's someone sleeping next to me. What did I do? Who are they? Who is this person? Who do they think they're in bed with right now? Yeah.

Because I don't know that guy. Yeah. That guy was totally on his own last night. You have to really start piecing the night together. Where did the Buffalo hide in the room come from? Where? What am I? Why did I drink? So I was at my friend's 50th birthday last night.

And he's got a bunch of, he's got a couple kids in college and they all brought their college friends. My man, everything is a contest. That is the understatement of a fucking lifetime with these boys. Everything's a contest when you're in college. Oh, these 20 year old fucking kids, dude. You can pound them better than they can. And first of all, you can't.

Don't ever, if you're 20, do not think you can outdrink somebody 10, 20, 30 years your senior, because what you are thinking, you're thinking you can put the pedal to the metal, right? Our pedal broke off long ago. This is gravity that we're fighting, that dress what drinking is to an older man. We're plummeting towards earth and trying everything that we can do to stop it.

You are merely, you're driving, you're driving laterally in the lateral direction. All I got to do was pull the blocks out of the RV, of the liquor RV and let it roll down the hill. To you, my friend, you, the child, you are on your mobed head racing other boys on mobed heads. Well, you're correening down a, running over tricycles along the path. I am holding a boulder off of a cliff for dear life, clinging onto this thing. All I got to do is let go a little bit.

You understand? And then gone. So it's not about who can drink. So then these, of course, of course pounding it faster than the boys, then it turns into, okay, okay, how about a staring contest? Like, a staring, wow, we're gonna do shots and we're gonna have a staring contest. Like, fuck, son, I haven't blinked in my life. Let's go, okay, now we're gonna have a thumb war.

So I'm having a staring contest and multiple thumb wars, I'm getting gang banged by male testosterone by 20 year old testosterone being overwhelmed by these walking penises because that's what we are at like 20 years old realizing suddenly this is why this is why you have to get smarter as you grow up. This is where the experience and wisdom of the older men come from because you've got to back these fucking guys off or they will literally eat you. They will tear your stomach open because of some kind of contest and take out your entrails and then feast on them.

This is the natural order of men. You know what I'm saying? Like they're just, they're, and they multiply. There's always more of them and all the sudden, I feel alone, like an old wounded will debased when the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I use with just the teeth, those little assholes that, I mean, it's like, right in your dick. I mean, it's, well, chase things down. No, kill things. I thought they just, I thought they just sang songs. Well, the music industry isn't what it was, so they, they chase things more now. I guess anything will eat anything that walks if it gets hungry enough. My point is, my

point is, my God, my God, it is, it is, it is overwhelming with these young men, these young gentlemen anyway. It's the show. How did it, what was the outcome? Oh, I won in all cases because I'm inventing rules for the thumb war on the fly. That's what I'm saying. You got to smarten up or else you lose all the time because I'm slamming Irish car bombs with these guys are, they're flashing me, like they're flashing me gang signs and just making noises that the only them understand. They're giving these guttural groans and things that I thought meant white power when

I was a kid, but apparently they don't mean that anymore. They're just flashing these signs at me and going, whoa, I'm like, guys, I don't know what you're doing, but it's starting to piss me off. Like, I don't, I know that you're doing, you're enjoying something and they just, they barrel right ahead. See, the problem is, is when you drink, when you're young, you get overinspired at the top of it. And it's the problem.

Yeah. Well, it's like peeling a dragster out on the line. You just want to go hard right away. Yeah. And you get in real trouble. And it's not the, you know, you'll go hard right away. Yeah, and you get in real trouble. And it's not the you know, you'll go hard right out of the gate, but you can kind of maintain it. Yeah, what you drink, you know, how much you can drink,

which you know, usually increases exponentially by the end of the night, but fuck it, you're already past that point, where they just all of a sudden there's a wall, and then they're under the table with a lampshade on their head. Oh, that's true. We're in the bathtub. That's true. With jeans full of piss.

Oh my god. All right, I got a big announcement to make. You ready? Yeah. You ready? What are you doing? What do you got over there? I got nothing.

I got pro tools. All right, all right. I got a big announcement for the show. All right. One million downloads. No shit. Yeah. A million. One million. One million downloads, Sean. That's fast. One million downloads. No shit. Yeah. A million. One million.

One million downloads, Sean. That's fast. One million downloads. That's everybody. That's credit. Episode 25. One million downloads. That's really fast.

Who's gonna be the one millionth downloader? I don't know. They're out there right now. That guy clicked, listen to the Dixho. He is the one millionth downloader. Yeah. Don't know who it is. Never will know who it is.

It's David Clegg or the Minnesota Masher. They can fight over at this. Oh, we'll talk about that later. Uh, okay, I'll tell you what makes me a raises. One million downloads. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for listening. I hope it gives you some chuckles while you're driving around,

trying to make a, make a, make a buck in this doggy dog world trying to just get away from the family. People putting so much pressure on you. Hope the show just gives you a laugh. It's a bad time of year, man. Trying to you try to just have that moment, that moment in the car or while you're doing some dead listings trying to make yourself better,

trying to better yourself for one hour a day before you go back to your goddamn job and try to listen to these people, put up with these people while you're on Facebook, typing and reading these fucking things everybody's saying, and thinking, I'm not gonna say anything, and then you go type out a big response, and then you're like, I can't, I can't fucking.

Fuck, what am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Delete, delete, delete, close the window down. You go to bed, you get that still, that feeling inside of you, that feeling that you can't shake, like why? Why is it like this?

Why is everything gotta be like this? I hope it gives you some, I hope it gives you some respite from that, from that life of this world. And you're just trying to, you're just trying to talk to a girl and say, look, just a nice guy. You just gotta believe me, just believe me that I'm a nice, I don't want to learn all these tricks to try to trick you into having sex with me that we gotta do here.

Who the fuck are you? Why are you so great? What is wrong with so great about you? Let me see your face, let me see. Let me see your fucking face, fuck feed your bitch, but I'm nice, I'm nice, I swear to God, I'm nice, but I gotta do all these things, I'm not nice fucking shoes. You got some nice fucking shoes there.

You guys learn that from a guy on the radio, just so the golf chance that I could fuck you, but I'm a nice person. I'm a nice person I would like to just go kill something so we could eat it together, but I can't do that. I have to do this. I don't piss on the way you make a living. Yeah, I have this is, this has to be this guy.

Everybody, everybody, just when you're doing this when you're fighting You're fighting for every second of life that you have So what so you can do nothing so you can dance the goal you fight every second for something just so you can go home and not do Anything that's the goal. That's true. That's true. And I hope this show makes it makes it just a little bit more tolerable that you're there, you're driving an hour, every day, you're driving 35 minutes to work. Average commute is 35 minutes. Is it? 35 minutes of your life, you're spending driving just to make a buck so you can eat a bunch of food that was manufactured by companies trying to kill you.

I hope it makes, just I hope it makes it a little bit more bearable doing all these things. You got the kids at home. They're, what are they doing? They're going to indoctrination camps all day. You got no control over that. They're done. They're gonna do whatever.

Riddled with debt. Nothing you can do about it. Nothing you can do. Why if you hate, you wonder how the fuck you ended up here? How she's at home all day telling them stories. That mommy, I love you mom, where are you? You're driving around selling boner medication to doctors.

Getting told you need to be more active in the kids. You gotta be more active in the kids. Working 80 hours a week on the road. Your guns have their magazines cut off. So they're only, so they look stupid, so they don't look like the movies at all. Why did you have the movie if you were gonna fucking cut the magazine off the guy anyway? Anyway.

See I'm telling you, this hangover is giving me powers. It's sharpens my mind, and I don't know if that's the liquor telling me that or if it's true, but I think it is true. Because I just, hangover gives me more power. Because I just don't think you're funny. I don't want to move. I don't want to laugh. If somebody says something, I'm like, yeah, okay.

And that intimidates them. That puts the fear into them like, oh man, this guy, he's not laughing at all. You know what a hangover does? It dulls you just enough to worry. You don't worry about using the perfect word. You just get your point across. Just get the point across. It's like pure, it's straight wire.

It's purely direct. Yeah, you're like, you know what? I don't care. Just tell me the part that I care about. Whatever you're talking about, reduce it to the smallest possible version and come back to me with it. It's the other side of the, it's the one sigma to the smallest possible version and come back to me with it. It's the other side of the

it's the one sigma to the other side of the curve of being totally miserable, which is sober in the middle. You got the three beers on the one side of the curve, the sigma, and then the one, the hangover on the other side anyway. Let me tell you what makes me a rage. What, wait, wait, wait, what? One million downloads. Can you leave that? Ha ha ha. One million downloads. Can you leave that? Until next week. One million downloads. That's unbelievable. Just a humble, just a humble,

a guy and just a guy of small town boy from Hollywood, making a simple podcast, simple old-fashioned podcast, talking into a micro one million downloads. That was my point. Thank you. That's what I'm trying to say is thank you for listening to the show. Okay. Show us that really intense preparation.

Doesn't mean anything. Study of your craft. Yeah. Yeah. Here's what makes me so much fun to write there. What? What do you want to say? No, it's being sarcastic. Oh,'s so much thunder right there. What? What? What do you want to say? That was being sarcastic.

Oh yeah, good. Sarcasm. Yeah. Did you got to deal with all day every day? It's gross. It's truly lost on the hungover. People making jokes and you're like, hmm, God damn it now.

I got to figure out if they're laughing at me or with me. I'm just sitting here trying to do my job and everybody's truckling it up. It's not always a bit of both. What? Laughing at you and with you? Laughing with you. Yeah, if you ever have to question it, just start swinging.

That's the, just like, you know what? You prove it to me that I'm not figuring it out. You prove it to me that you weren't laughing at me anyway. I'll tell you what makes me rage this week. All right. Does this ever happen to you? You get a little, Blink, on your phone, like, hey, Snapchat,

bling, you got a snapchat message I don't get snapchat you got it well you're so no yeah okay this happens so bling oh wow need a message someone has sent me a message I've heard of those oh yeah someone has sent me a message cool could be could be some hot newty check yeah or maybe a dude I don't know I don't know why I don't know why, I don't know what kind of pics women are getting on Snapchat that they're looking forward to. Maybe someone sent you like a cat video or something, right? Or butt in my case, something you're like, all right, maybe, maybe some chick got a little

lonely, wanted to get some, wanted to show off, wanted to get a compliment about her shoes and by shoes, I mean boobs and said, lowliness can strike at any time. That's what I'm saying. So you could get a, you could get a little Snapchat bling. Hey, these, it's some, it's some special tits just for you on the Snapchat. Nobody, this picture of tits never existed anyway. A very special, a very special picture of tits. This is only for you.

Ten, one in hundreds of trillions, This picture of boobs could never be replicated. Only for you on Snapchat. Oh, awesome, awesome. Hey, my day's about to get a lot better. Somebody wants me to see something cool. Somebody went out of their way and took a picture of something on Snapchat and sent it to me.

Great. Maybe we could talk about it. Maybe we could have a whole conversation about it. Cool. Let me just see what's on this now. Team Snapchat says happy Thanksgiving. Fuck you. Nobody everybody hates Team Snapchat. Team Snapchat, she can send everyone one last picture of them getting into a bus driving off a cliff. They could all take it. They could

all send a montage of the school bus driving off a fucking cliff like a horror movie, like a ghost story, and then send that last blast out to everybody else because we don't care. Nobody wants these fake ass corporate greetings and thank yous in our private social media. It is then the emails from like your insurance agent or vans or ralps or the supermarket saying, hey, happy birthday, just it makes you feel so fucking stupid for getting your hopes up that somebody wanted to talk to you. And then it's, oh, it's a computer.

I hate those. Cool, I'm glad this stupid computer wanted to send me an ad on my birthday. Thank you, thank you a lot. Team Snapchat, you fucking cocks. You guys are nothing to me. They really make you feel worse about yourself. They do, they do because then it's like, it's like this big fancy fucking animation.

And you're like, what the, so now, not only do I know nobody, I'm not seeing any kids. Now you're filthy, you feel like you have to return the favor somehow. Yeah, and I know that some fucking gas hole made this and got paid like 20 grand to make this stupid animation. And I'm sitting, what am I doing? Sitting here driving my truck or, you know, I don't know what, or lay in, whatever, whatever people do.

No, that's not sitting in a fucking office being having this stupid little beard and wearing tight pants and pretending to be a lumberjack making holiday greetings on their computer machine, sending it out to all of Snapchat, who nobody cares, send out one, not one fucking person is appreciative of the holiday greetings or any message ever

from Team Snapchat. No. All of you can get in a big circle and then fuck each other right up the ass until your fucking heads pop off like rock and sock and robots. Nobody wants to hear about Team Snapchat ever again or sit there and look at the stupid animation that somebody got paid to make. Somebody got paid to make a hell of a lot more than anybody else gets paid to do what? Make a dumb fox laugh.

Oh, look, it's a turkey. It's a turkey dressed like an Indian or whatever, sitting thanks a lot. Who fucking made this? Who's this guy's story? Why did this go to this? Why did I have to see this? You motherfuckers.

I fucking team snapchat. Okay, we got a bonus episode that just came out yesterday. By the time this airs the bonus episode, we'll have come out. Let me tell you, we have to re-record a couple things for that bonus episode. We do. Because I got a little, I was listening to it.

It felt weird while we were doing it. See, I didn't notice that. No, I knew. But the energy was a little lower than the regular episode, but sometimes that happens when you do two or even three in a day, which we've done, which is not advised. It's not advised, we have to do it.

Try not to. We have to cook up the shows. We gotta work hard, we gotta hammer out the shows, we gotta get our big boy pants on and get our show tool, our joke tool belts on, and cook up the shows for all you wonderful millions of people. But I knew, I know I agree with what you're saying, but I knew even, I knew going through it

that something was wrong with the show. Something felt wrong to me, and I have a very high... You're really like in your head. You're sensitive to it where you're like, something's off. Something's off. Like, I feel like I'm in some kind of a fog. Like, the way they describe heroin use in the old 30s plays, I guess.

That's the fault. I feel like I'm in some kind of a haze here. And I discovered, and listening back to it, I could feel where it kind of fell off the cliff into the haze here. And I discovered, and listening back to it, I could feel where it kind of fell off the cliff into the haze. Well, I, yeah, I did too. Okay. I didn't notice it at the time. But what, yeah. Well, I found out afterwards. I found out what happened, and I deserve it. I, well, I guess I'll just start from the beginning. Let me play the Dic-Tales theme. Right, right. You're gonna tell a tale.

You're gonna tell a story. When you've got no weak in the dance. And your job shit, if you think your life is blank. I play the whole thing every time. I tell a Dic-Tale. You don't need a tired thing. Just the day drinking. Dic-Tales. whole thing every time I tell a dictail you don't need a tiny thing just a day drinking

dictails ooooh I love this song Chris Fran one of the best cartoon themes songs ever yeah get a coach to fix your life it's dictails this is where you think it's gonna end but it keeps going

it does the first stop and you see that mummy is like, wow, you know. And then I'm running from a giant liquor bottle. That's my version of details. When they're when that floor is collapsing. That's like, that's my personal and professional reputation. Crumbling, undermate, as I'm into lava. Into a, I'm so, a mob of social justice. Under me and I'm running from it.

And there's a I reach up and grab at the end, you know, when Glomgold and Scrooge, I mean, where I'm grabbing for a giant liquor bottle. Does he hang by like his umbrella? I don't know. Or his cane, I mean, probably. No, his cane was he grabs, doesn't he grab like a dollar from that little alien and that and that clip was never in any episode.

Oh, no, that fucking alien comes by and snatches it. Yeah, and that was never in any episode because if it was, Scrooge would have done some shit out of it. And kick the shit out of that little alien asshole with his smile. Always bugged me like a sliver that in my mind that that clip was never in any episode. And that fucking smug ass alien that little thief didn't get his come up in. He grabs it and then he laughs at him. He laughs right in Scrooge McDuck's face.

The richest man, the richest duck in Duckbird in the world, I believe. He laughs right in his fucking face just because for over a dollar. And he doesn't get punched in his fucking alien nuts that always bug me I just want one clip of Scrooge finding that finding where that guy lives knocking on his door With his spat you know with launch pad just crossing his arms in the back and just beating the shit out of that alien and then saying Was it worth it you mother here keep the dollar? I even want it. I got three cubic acres of these, and they're coins, they're not even dollars. I don't know, that's worth more, I assume,

because it's heavier. And then that one, go ahead, what? Not as much fun to swim through dollars either. I don't know, I don't know. That's probably true. But I mean, you can obviously tell from the show, like how much fun he's having. Yeah.

Diving through. Yeah, that was fun. Um, I got kicked out of the, here's a two in one, Dictails, I got kicked out of the Palm's Casino. You did. That was the second time I got kicked out of the Palm's. In Vegas. Yeah, for throwing my money, throwing my chips up

and so money up. Uh huh. And then running in a little circle around it. Okay. Because I was giving people shit at Blackjack. Blackjack to me. Like you're disrespecting a gambling casino? Well, they told me to stop screwing around.

And I said, So that stopped screwing around? Yeah, because I was just busting people's balls. A Blackjack table to me is since I'm paying to be there, I don't plan on winning it. Yeah, it's a court for you to hold. Yeah, it's like my personal stand-up routine stage. Yeah.

And I'm just going down the table busting people people's balls, and this one couple from like, and if you wanna play, you're gonna fucking listen. Yeah, yeah, and I think they were all having a good time. Like I was talking, like I'm talking right now, but there was a guy who was kind of being a hard-ass at the other end of the table. And I thought, this is a job for him. Well, I thought he was kind of playing into it

and like being a hard-ass and like acting like I was a jerk for my By ball busting and pretending that I was Tim Curry's son and that kind of shit So the but the pit boss came over and he's like hey, hey, that's enough. I'm like no, he's he gets it to what's not He's not he's not annoyed by what I'm doing anyway. He's like well, that's enough You got to stop stop doing what you're doing stop screwing around. I was like, okay. Well, how's this is this screwing around I've all this fucking next, I won immediately after that and just threw the money up in the air. Anyway, that's the second time I could, okay.

So the bonus episode, we knew something was wrong. There was a fog, there was some kind of a haze. It was because, and I deserve it, I deserve all of it. 80s girl was getting sick. Well, I thought she was getting sick. And look, here's my problem. I have the immune system of a paper sack. Like, I have an immune system made of germs.

That's how bad it is. Like, if it were a war, my entire side, all my white cell T cells, whatever they are are in fact, themselves pathogens. Like my entire army is made of the other guys guys. They're all against me. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm like that.

Montgomery burns. Yes. Just because he has all the diseases together. He has every other. I have even teenage pregnancy. I always get sick. I have always teenage pregnancy. I always get sick, I have always gotten sick. I try to drink so much to make myself not get sick,

to kill the germs in the back. I try to fill myself with as much liquor as possible to fight my weak immune system, to kind of bolster it. So my guys, whatever they are, the T cells will have some tools to use against the germs. What was that osmosis Jones? That's how the immune system works. So I like to give them liquor to use against the pathogens anyway.

I get sick all the time. And she says, she's getting sick and I said, hey, don't you fucking get, you know how I talk to women very understanding. I said, don't you fucking you fucking, don't you fucking get, you know how I talk to women, very understanding, I said, don't you fucking get me, don't you get sick, don't you get sick, something completely out of everyone's control, right? Are you getting sick? It sounds like you're getting sick.

And she treats it like a joke, right? Cause she says she's not sick. This is what people, anyone, everyone does this and it drives me insane. And cis that they're not sick. It's what people, anyone, everyone does this and it drives me insane and sits that they're not sick. It's like an ego thing. It is, that's what it always seems like to me. It's like catching someone when you call them and they've been asleep that they don't want to admit they were sleeping. It's like, motherfucker, I know that you're sleeping. You sound like you just got kicked in the stomach. You're not making any sense. You sound drunk.

I know you're sick. I know you're sick. I know you're sick because you're coughing, all night you're sniffling. I know you're fucking sick, but of course, sometimes they're right. Sometimes, so I'm sure of it. I'm like you're not fucking, you are fucking sick because I'm not sick.

I'm not sick. So we have a big, big argument around. I'm like how, how, you gotta take this seriously. I'm a man. So we have a big, big argument around. I'm like, how, how, you, you gotta take this seriously. I'm a man. How dare you question me? How dare you tell me that you're not sick, right? Really laying it on like an asshole or, you're, how dare you suggest that what I'm saying is not true, that you would know you're not sick.

Because I'm like, so she goes to the store in an, in an act of kindness to placate my insane ravings and ego and picks up a pack of cold medicine before the show because I'm feeling a little tickle too. And I'm like, you know, this podcast puts food on the table. I need my, how dare you get sick in this household, right? So she goes and picks up some cold medicine, brings it back. I grabbed the cold medicine right before the show, popped the pills open and plug one into my mouth. About an hour and a half later, gets a little goofy, the show gets a little goofy, right? I get a little, yeah, I get a little hazy. Turns out, I slugged down a night time, night quill pill and not the day quill pill, which I found out the next

day. So that is the sound, the haze in that bonus episode is the sound of me wandering around in a, I don't know what that sleeping drug is, but that is the sound of a man whose brain does not know that he is currently experiencing a Mickey. That was, that is, yeah, that's the, that's what happened in that one. All right, I got a stereos here. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Now, you didn't look at the color of the pills. No, I just assumed it was cold medicine. Okay. It's a box of cold medicine, that's awesome. Yeah, but you are aware. Yeah, but you are aware. You've learned your lesson. Yeah. You've learned your lesson. You've learned your lesson that I am right

about how important it is to not suggest that you aren't sick around me. Thank you for the cold medicine, immediately pop in the night coil, like a jackass. Then turns out she wasn't sick at all. Anyway, it's not conjureic. I am. Dark green.

Dark green means sleepy. Orange means it's okay. Orange.. We got a caller that fan fan favorite Mysterious coconut's the big I don't we're gonna have to change your name buddy because you are you got two big L's on your belt right now if you'll remember a stereos bet his vote on the debate that if he lost the debate with a fair fan vote, the million fans of this show fairly voted. And he was voted, it was voted that objectively that he lost, he lost the debate. And he had to vote for Trump. And then it's very nearly the March and you stayed it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no it was not not what who would have thought that a conservative might twist the numbers in their favor who would have thought what do you suggest thing but you know my suggest that it's it's it's it's all this fake news policy you guys listen to all you conservatives you just want to believe whatever's most advantage to you oh who's listening to fake news as there is a five thirty one the other

that's what ever nates I'm a fake news. A serial. A serial. A collection. A collection. Who won the election? What ever Nate Silver said. A serial is just jealous that Alex Jones shouts louder than him. That's all. He know that's the letter. It always goes back to one thing. I just love the fake news.

That like nobody predicted a Trump win. The polls were all there. Oh no, that one USC poll definitely did. Yeah. The one USC poll that 5, like did a half hour on why it was shitty. Oh, I, I, I listened. I've got to say this as a, as a, as a lifelong liberal.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm pretty pissed off the Trump one. Yeah. But the, I think something that Dick show listeners should do is go through old podcasts like the 538 podcasts like keep it at 1600 all these podcasts that got big that were just full of liberals like growing and like talking about how they this was in the bag. Yeah, there's this one of the biggest one of the biggest podcasts is this

podcast on the ringer network called keep it at sixteen hundred and these two exo-bama speechwriters had this thing called like the whiny cry baby bedwaters club which was for Democrats that were worried the Trump might win. Yeah. No, it's like that. I guess I'll just got that bed just got a lot wetter. Yeah.

Sorry. I need sorry, I'm not that bad. I'm sorry, I'm not that bad. Yeah, okay, but anyway, you bet. Let's give back to what's important. So the cash per to so- You bet. I already said you're the goddamn money. I already said it to you.

Asareos bet me that if Trump, whoever won, the other man would have to donate a hundred bucks to the other guy's Patreon. Yeah. The stereo says a Patreon too. Everybody's got Patreons now. Yeah. It's a whole new economy where nobody's the boss, the people are the boss.

It is a purely democratic revolution in comedy. Now, a stereo has his own Patreon. I got a Patreon. Let us Jones got a Patreon, Mad Cux got a Patreon. Everybody's got the only person who doesn't have Patreon is you. Yeah. Is you? Yeah, Sean, you just got a Patreon. I Cucks got a Patreon. Everybody's got, the only person who doesn't have a Patreon is you. Yeah, is you? Yeah, Sean, you just got a Patreon. I don't want a Patreon.

You should increase. You can release a calendar of sexy U shots. There was a girl. People would pay for that. A girl you dated for a long time set me up a MySpace page. Do you remember this? Yeah. Yeah, when MySpace was a thing,

and you were so pissed off about it. Yeah. Because it's disgusting that you have a mind. Yes. Yes. No. No. Sean was the one who was going to be away from all that shit about all that shit. And now he has a social media presence. I really thought it may be all that hurt for that. Yeah. And you know what? It's been downhill ever since I lie through her outside I said we're broke up three times Right out that was it fresh print style. I'm only on the dick show well, buddy. I'm sorry that you lost But you are a man of your word

Yeah, look the moment It was cuz all right, so election night I definitely was like oh we got this in the bag can't wait oh boy President I was getting so funny how how deep in the bag we all thought we had it Uh-huh like the it is really funny. You're right amongst liberals was Boy when president Clinton gets in office we're really gonna have to put her feet to the fire and make sure she hues to liberal Bernie Sanders as principals like that's what we were worried about yeah yeah

well of course election night election night happens I go to a bar I get real drunk you know I'm trolling for like sad democratic girl pussy uh... no no joy sadly and uh... i would like to go to bed and hopefully i'll wake up in this will all doubt it happened and i wake up and notification uh... president trump i've worked president elect trump has just been declared by every major network and and it's a nice from the next year hundred dollars

to my friend, dude. Well, you're a man of your word, and I appreciate that. Do you got anything that makes you a rage this week? Oh my God, yes, I'm in Tennessee right now, and I'm in Tennessee for work today. It was my one free day, and the thing I was most excited about going to Tennessee for was that I could go to a chick filet

without being accosted by my fellow liberals. I was like, this is I can sneak into the radar. I thought liberals didn't go to Chick filet because it's got such a hardcore Christian agenda and their anti-gay. Dick, can you make the shushing noise in his face? What? Why? Can you make the shushing noise in his face? What? Why? What?

Because look, yeah, all that hate makes the food taste better. They're cooking it in like, they're shredding up gay marriage licenses, laughing like that's where the sandwiches get their spice. Yes. Guess what today is. It's Sunday. I forgot. Yeah, it's Sunday and six days done over on Sunday because the older six

will they want to show Jesus how big his dick is so you can't get a fucking sandwich on a Sunday. And the whole point of this is it's supposed to be like, oh, we want you to honor the Sabbath. We don't want you. We want you with your family at home and it's like there's McDonald's is open burger King is open. You're not doing anything but virtue signaling How great of a Chris you are. Yeah, I make it me not have a chicken sandwich Say your trip got off fucked up then Sorry buddy It's making off to check the way. I'm fucking tick-full. Oh, sorry, buddy. Thank you.

Well, I mean, if you want, I can go get you chick-full when you come back and just give it to you, so you don't have to. When the grocery strike, do you remember when all the grocery stores went on strike? My mom was afraid to go to this store. Like, it was a mix of my mom. First of all, my mom was afraid to go to the store and shop.

So she like, she shopped at the frequency of her shopping went down and I was so geared up to fight somebody because I was one of these 22 year olds. There's just a huge penis looking a fuck something. So I was like, mom, did you got anything from the store? I got to go to the fucking stores. I could play one of these guys out, get in there, fucking face and never like, it's the same thing. I can play one of these guys out, get in there fucking face.

And every like, it's the same thing. Every time I would go, I would walk up in a wife's feet or something, go like, all right, who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who wants to say some shit? And everybody would look away. Like you? You fatso? Is it gonna be you? You want to tell me? You want to tell me about wages? Because I can't fucking wait.

Gear it up, that's what I can do for you. That is the service I will provide for anybody. If anybody wants a strike line or a protest line to be crossed, call me because I will walk, I'll walk through it and then moonwalk back through it just to make sure everybody got a chance to say something and then I will walk through it again. So if you ever want Chick-fil-A in LA, just give me a call.

I will do this service for you happily. You don't even, I'll be like a free postmates. Just asshole mates. That's what I do. If you go, you want to pick it line to be crossed, you dial up your phone to asshole mates and you say, yeah, I'm super liberal, but I want Chick-fil-A. Can you and I will, me or someone from my camp

will go cross that line and bring you your food unless we get arrested, unless we get arrested. And you know what? I will start a competing service or a complimentary service called Cuckman. If you need some crystals, if like your girlfriend needs some healing crystals, if you need some... Oh man. ...instance.. Some patchouli. If there's a place where you don't want,

look, if you need some tampons bought, you go to guys like me, you know, these liberal types and while walking there, we'll make a big stink about how like, yeah, I'm a male feminist, I'm buying tampons. So what? Big deal, gender blah, blah, blah. So, I think we just launched two great new businesses for five days a month

I just jammed up my ass I'm so good. Yeah, I'm I just that's how big of a feminist You want to know what a feminist looks like you go get right here a guy jamming tampons here, a guy jamming tampons right up his ass. I'm all over time. I'm a feminist with the biggest dick. This is what women want. This is what fighting for women's rights means. Shoveing tampons are active, right?

They have to, right? They like me now, right? All right, buddy. Sorry to hear about your chick-fil-a experience. That's all right. And actually, I have to hop on a flight literally right now, so I gotta go. Thanks for talking to me. Bye, bye. See ya. All right, what do we got here? That's alright and actually I have I have to hop on a flight literally like right now so I gotta go thanks

Thanks for talking to me. Bye. Bye. So yeah All right, what do we got here? He's fun. He is very fun. I've got let me see here Jordan You know Jordan the guy who writes some stuff for the show every once in a while He's sent in a couple things. Yeah, did he write the the concession speeches? He did. Yeah, he did You know, it's funny. Did I tell you the story about that? He sent them in and I said, do it again, but make it as bad as you can possibly make it. Like say the things you're not allowed to say because so many of these comedy guys, like they have to write, they have to write jokes. They have to write also for their peers. Yeah. Because they do not want to get ostracized. Yeah, yeah, totally. Like if you don't want to look, be looked down on. No, and they're so used to cranking out these

writers packets, which are just like, at some point, it's like a joke factory, I think. It becomes, you're just making quote unquote jokes by the numbers, but you're not making, it's not funny anymore. No. It's funny. I see that it's funny, but make it mean. I go back and put all, and put, go back and just dump the bottle of spice into it, and then take out everything else and just make it only spice. That's what, that's it. Because this is the show you're doing. He's written, let's see, dear, dear family of Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is coming. And this is an open letter to all of you out there that you can use to read to your family, or perhaps play for them from the dictionary. Dear family of Thanksgiving, you asked me what I'm thankful for, so let me tell you, I'm thankful that I finally have your attention

so that you can hear me loud and clear when I say, go fuck yourselves. All of you, this is from Jordan. Uncle drunk bigot. Why don't you chug another cooers light or 12? Your inebriated speech pattern really puts the slur in racial slur. Cut, he really knows you. You must have a tough time figuring out who to discriminate against because everyone looks

black when you're blacked out. That's for the uncle. Ont Braggie. You're the Katie Korrick of reporting about the dumb shit your kid is doing. These are people you might encounter at Thanksgiving this year because everybody's getting ready to go to Thanksgiving. You understand? Oh, little dipshit is taking clarinet lessons.

He's learning Cantonese at school. She's enrolled in a special summer tap dance astronaut camp. Here's some breaking news. No one gives a flying fuck. Yeah. Cousin Yupi Fraud. With one moment, please. Cousin Yupi Fraud.

With your seemingly picture perfect life and family that looks like it was assembled by central casting. Congratulations on the promotion at work. Your new corner office is the perfect place to weep in while pondering your boring and predictable march to the grave. I can't wait to find out which you climb first, the corporate ladder or the stool that you'll step off to hang yourself.

These are sick burns you You can use it. Your family Thanksgiving. You're younger brother. You, so most of my family have committed these types of things. Yeah, that's why we're betting on. Right. That's what I think. My family are doers.

Younger brother, you newly enlightened freshman liberal pansy. I'm thrilled that college is where you finally lost your virginity. I just didn't think it'd be to a Greece didgeridoo in a student union conference room. See that goes up the ass, the didgeridoo. That's the joke. That's the virginity because it works that he's getting, he himself is taking it. And thanks for bringing your generic college girlfriend of three weeks to our annual family freak show. That's true. That would be annoying. Oh, she's from Buffalo.

She's thinking about majoring in criminology and she has a nose ring. Wow. She's like walking through a fun house where the only surprise is an STD at the end. Get tested, dude. All the screaming and crying children. I can't even remember your fucking names. And I don't know who you belong to, but I assume Satan, I'm truly thankful we've banished you to your own shitty little kids table so I can hear myself think about how annoying

you all are. If the adult table is like a cruise ship, your table is the little lifeboat filled with helpless morons destined to drown in their own shit. Unconscious grandpa on the couch, it's hard to tell if you're sleeping or you're dead. Either way, I'm just glad you're not awake to corner me with your mind numbing stories of the fellas at the mouselodge. I'm guessing you passed out from boring yourself to death. Perhaps grandma can't recall her own name. I know you can't hear me.

And the Alzheimer's means you wouldn't remember if you could, but thanks for yet another crisped $2 bill. And the title, man. I'll be sure to deposit it in the garter belt of a stripper who is appreciative and confused by it. Have you ever used the $2 bill? Yeah. In real life?

Yeah, yeah. That's you. Sean, he wants to use he uses two dollar bills I haven't seen one in years, but if you did you'd spend it right away without thinking about it Not necessarily Mom and dad, but yes, I have spent two dollar bill. That's fucking weird mom I think nowadays people look at him like the fuck is this is this? Well, this is a joke right? People look at people gonna crash that way soon.. Like, what is this gross paper sweaty thing?

Get it away from me. Yeah. Pay me with a tap. Mom and dad, you're last and definitely least. Because one of your nights of unsafe sex is literally the only reason I exist among this collection of dopes. So from me to all of you gathered here, have a happy Thanksgiving somewhere else next year. That's pretty nice letter.

Yeah, point in the family. Pointing it, very poignant. Okay, so Dustin has a special caller for us, a special feature. You may remember me referring to it as the battle in Seattle. The fight, some, let's, look, the Facebook is very high energy, the Facebook group. There we have it, the show. It's like, no bullshit. You can sit there on Facebook and just watch shit posts rolling all day.

Like I no longer have a circle of friends in Facebook. It's just the dick show posts all day. And it's like people calling each other out all day. Guys eating my book, Nark Zuckerberg got in trouble on Facebook because he said if he got so hyped up about the election, he's, he got goaded into saying, I'll eat the book. Has he done it yet? No, I don't, I don't have an update on that. This is an update for another thing that had another virtual altercation. We'll call that on my Facebook. So Dustin's gone.

Dustin, are you there? I'm here. Okay, this is how I understand it. Someone challenged David Clegg to a fist fight in Seattle. That is correct. And it became, it got so much momentum. Which is like by like some state sanctioning body, like a, that's like, That is correct. And it became, it got so much momentum.

Which is like by like some state sanctioning body. Like, that's like one and no. There's no place in Seattle. He's not licensed in Las Vegas. No, because they're talking so much shit that apparently they said they're gonna fly him out. That's a neutral site. I don't, I don't know Dustin.

What happened? Why see had first of all, why see at all? And how did this happen? Why see at all? Why see had, first of all, why see adult? And how did this happen? Why see adult, why see adult is because that's where Maxwell, the challenger, lives. So if he says, Mark Willis Maxwell, that's where the challenger lives. Wait a minute, the challenger gets the hometown advantage

that doesn't sound fair. Well, he was paying for the flight to get out there for, for Clegg. Okay, so and Clegg agreed to this, because I don't the flight to get out there for, for Clegg. Okay. So, and Clegg agreed to this because I don't want it to, like, I don't want it to seem like a dog pile because David Clegg came onto the show talking a lot of noise. And then he kind of embarrassed himself. Or he didn't get enough sleep for the, for being on the show, you know, I don't know.

But I don't want it to be like a dog pile. Is he involved in this? No, no. Originally, originally when the challenge happened There had been no response at all from the collect camp whatsoever The dates came and passed to no to no Reveal uh-huh, however unsatisfying and unsatisfying conclusion, okay very unsatisfying So Maxwell said you know what fuck it?

We're doing this again, and we're doing it in Washington, DC We're both going to Washington DC. We're calling it We're calling it Maxwell Kimball versus David Clegg capital punishment In the capitol I got it The battle of the beltway capital punishment in the capital. I got it. The battle of the beltway capital punishment in the capital. In the capital. TKO and DC TKO. There was a互 Kion. He said if his travel accommodations were taking care of, then absolutely. Yes, he would do it. Who? Clug? He has to call into the show because I don't want this like, this is getting,

this is taking a life, I'm taking on a life of its own and obviously I can do nothing. We've already proven that I can do nothing to police anybody on the internet. Like I'm not, I'm just a guy with a microphone here. If you guys want to go fist fight each other to death, go for it. But if he's gonna do it, I do think he should get a fair shot, Clegg should get a fair shot at defending his reasons for wanting to do this or not do it. Totally. He should.

He absolutely should. And the one thing that I do want to say is this, you know, people on the internet, they get crazy theories, right? They get these crazy ideas. Where do you get, where do you get them? You know the Thunders. Where do you get them? You know the Thunders.

The back alley brawl with like pool sticks and people getting thrown out windows. This if we do, if we do this, it has to be sanctioned, right? Like it has to be a M&M ring. It has to be in a boxing ring. Okay. Can we get the guy from the internet? Yeah. Yeah, let's get Leslie Joed to sanction it.

Yeah. Okay. Leslie Joed will be their posting all kinds of rapists. No, be fantastic. But we got to get like a Michael Buffer type of guy. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. I'm sorry.

I have actually brought on to the show, the challenger Maxwell Kimble. Marvelous Maxwell. Are you there? Kimble? Let me introduce him here. I'm going to bring you a line and I have a little introduction. There's this moment. Don't, okay. This is moment. Don't ruin it.

This was preferred. Yeah. It's done a lot of work. Sanctioned. Nick Sean, Cux of all ages, let me introduce a very special guest caller. Some say he's a legend of the swamp. Some say he could put prints down faster than a handful in narcotics the one and only Minnesotan Mangler

He started shit posting from the bottom and now he's here He's had enough of nap time low energy callers and demands retribution Waking in at a brisk minnesotan 233 pounds and standing at six foot one inch tall from St. Paul Minnesota, Maxwell Kimbo! Hey, how are you doing? So what the hell is going on? How did you find yourself in the position where you're going to fight another man from the internet?

Well, honestly, I had heard his call and it just, oh, he was annoying. And then like a week after he started, like, talking how you want to beat the shit of Mike Surnovich, I'm like, Oh, really? Okay. Right. Yeah. He was shit posting on the group. He's like, Oh, I wish I could see Mike Surnovich, so I could kick his ass.

Okay. All right, Clegg, fight me in Seattle and I've created the event. So you're defending Mike Sernovich's honor here? Basically, I actually started the fight, I started the fight thing before he threatened Mike Cernovich. Okay. So why are you threatening Mike if you won't even come except my fight offer?

Okay, and are you, are you a big guy? 61230. Yeah, 61230. All right, that sounds, that sounds extremely unfair. A man who's six one and two thirty going up against that, well, I don't know how big David Clegg is. It could be big. He could be like, he's broke. I heard that he's like six feet and he's like 190 maybe, maybe hundred or 200. That's pretty big guys. Yeah, I mean, that was me. That was me. Pre 80s girl.

6 to 12, 190. You're pushing about 210. Love how you take no responsibility for it. It's her. You guys sit in bed and you're gonna fall. Well, is there anything you want to say to David then? Is there, is there, is there, this is your chance to call him out? I guess.

I mean, I presume that's what this is all about Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Oh? Well, I'm tired of Klegg's little energy. I really want Klegg to really put thing behind his words because Well all that lying and implying Maybe he'd be able to back it up in a fight maybe Sorry, that lying and implying. Yeah yeah it does get the better really really drove me nuts that the how can you do that to a man just like insult his name like that without having to pack it up yeah oh we got his our name now and go ahead now have you had any training can you throw a punch I mean not yeah I can throw a punch you can throw

a punch I mean like okay because yeah there's a lot of little like Obama throws out a first pitch like what do you mean you can throw a punch have you ever been like, okay, because yeah, there's a lot of little guys like Obama throws out a first pitch. Like, what do you mean you can throw a punch? Have you ever been in a fight? So it's like Trump driving a golf club. Okay. It's very, very impressive. It's going very huge backswing. Have you ever been in a fight a fist fight? I'm not talking about nipple rubbing once or twice. Once or twice. I've been in like a fight once. Yeah. How old were you? I'm gonna answer twice. Once or twice. No, I've been in like a fight once, yeah.

How old were you? But, oh, maybe, so I'm 18 now, maybe I was 15 when I got in the fight. It's 18. Okay, so we gotta have a license boxing event between an 18 year old and David Kleg. All right, okay. I will just David Kleg.

Nobody knows anything about him. Are you gonna train for this fight at all? Marvelous Maxwell? Or what did they call him? Maxwell, the murderer? Could be Maxwell, the silver hammer. Maxwell, the... Okay, so silver hammer.

Are you gonna train for this fight at all? It's like accepts the fight. I will train for the fight. I'll do a little gym, I'll do U.S.D training and I'll get ready to fight him. Okay, is that, do we hear that buzzing in our end? Yeah, that breaking up? Yeah, is it the hear that buzzing in our end? Yeah, it was. That breaking up.

Yeah, it's the call. It's the call. Yeah, it's the call. It's the call. Yeah, it's the call. Yeah, it's the calling. It's the calling. It's the streaming.

Well, it's gotta be. Did you hear it? It went all, got all modulated. Right, but is that an R-end or his end? No way to tell. I don't know. I don't know. Connection is slow.

Okay, so Silverham or what kind of training are you gonna do? Um, I'll do anything. I'll do what you did, too. I'll do some MMA at the UFC training, boxing training. Cause I think it's gonna be a boxing event. I think boxing is probably the safest. Yeah, yeah, you know, like big, foxy boxing gloves as well.

Yeah. Nothing, not, not eight ounce gloves. I know, I'll put out a drug. It will be great. I know, Cliggs really into anime. So who will probably try to push the rub to the ring Naruto with his like hands behind his sides. I mean, all right, guys. Well, I want to hear from Kleg because I don't want this to be like a gang bullying type of thing. I mean, he said he said he'd do it. Okay. I will. I'll wait to hear from him.

I'll wait to hear from the man himself. If he wants to call in next week and give his take on the fight, then he's, he's welcome to click. You better call in. Don't be a coward, man. And click. I'm going to be reached out to you this week to make arrangements for you to come on the show next week. So hopefully you're hopefully you get, yourested. And you don't have to.

I really want to fight you, Clif. Let's go. I really want the fight to happen. Like, do me one on one. You better not back down. And you don't have to fight. So I get 80 speaking spell with this. You don't have to fight.

You don't click, Clif, you don't have to fight. But if you want to call in, I don't know. Maybe you do want to fight. I don't know. I don't know why I don't know why I don't know why anyone gets into a fight. Well, think about the internet celebrity, right? Like two random assholes, fans of the group on the internet, decide to fly cross country to fight it out. Fight out their internet

problems in real life. I like that. I'm the best. He didn't. I like that part. I got on the plane to get a Seattle. He never he never showed up. I was waiting to see next me on the plane with that because I am. This fucking thing. All right, guys. We're gonna go for now, but I look forward to seeing how this resolves. I look forward to hearing Clegg's side of the story. We'll have updates and I will if I have to go to Clegg's house with my mic, we will get a comment. Wait, where does Clegg live? Wake up first.

I think he's in the south somewhere, I don't know, I'll find his ass. Alright, alright, thank you, thank you. Alright, that was Dustin at fight. What do you think about that fight? I don't know. I got it here from Clegg before I make up my mind about it. Yeah, totally. No, he needs to come on and do like, he'll be treated okay. Like, it's not, you're not going to jump on him, right? You just want to find out like what's, if he doesn't, if he doesn't call people liars, like, you know, that's my thing is to stop

implying what he should. Yeah, no, he fucked up the first time for sure. But he should come on to give information. I would like to know what his thoughts on the fight are. Yeah. I got to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak. That's my new thing. With all, after all of this election shit, my new thing is I need to see the exact quote that they said. Like, I need the quote and I need the context.

I know. Because every time I see something, even with people I don't like, I go read the thing, read what they actually said, and I say, that's's not like, that's a very liberal interpretation of that quote that they said. Yeah. That's what I'm doing from now on the act. So I got to hear from the horse's mouth. All right.

This is the Dixho. Go check out the store shop dot the Dixho dot com or shop B S H O P P E dot the Dixho classy. We could do it either way though. It's a classy. the Dick show.com or shoppy SHOPPPE.com. Classic. Classic. Classic. Classic. Classic. Classic.

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I didn't read it. I said there's a problem with the shirt. Yeah, and I clicked on it thinking, oh my God, because this is new for me. Yeah, poor quality. Yeah, they come apart in the wild. Did it come across immediately? And like, oh, fuck, I got, there's hundreds of them.

Literally hundreds of shipped. How much is this? How much is this fuck up gonna cost? And this fucking asshole says, I threw it in the wash and dried it. And when I took it out, the face had shrunk. Oh my God. God damn you. God damn it. God damn it. When you never think that stupid joke, like when it's gotten way past the point of just like, yeah, yeah, okay, like I don't care anymore. You found some turn up water at the very bottom of the barrel and you scraped it off. You found this one little nook. Well, look, my advice would

just be to roll with it, but what do I know? Yeah. What do I know about ongoing jokes? I don't know anything. No. Okay, let's play some voicemail. Going for 135 fucking episodes. Okay, everybody will remember that Denzel. you remember when Denzel said that he could write a better movie than the hangover two and three. Right. Yeah. In two months, uh-huh. He was talking a big game.

Okay. Denzel was, what the hell was that? He was talking up a big game that he could write a better comedy movie than the hangover two and the hangover three. So each of us, Denzel and I each put together our own movies. Denzel, we haven't heard from. We all heard mine, which was Tyler Perry's blackout, which was a black version of the Hangover, right?

Which I think is obvious. He's got an introduction right now. Obviously, that should be made. John Witherspoon, of course, is the lead. Already laying as George Zimmerman. Come on. That's the, it's, it's, it's got to be, that's the, that's an easy, yeah, guaranteed hit. What's weird? Cause John Witherspoon is playing Trayvon Martin. Tall, Sean, that's too, why, oh, you went to the well twice. You went to the well twice

and you made it bad. I forgot,zel. Yeah. Invisible man, right? No, that first joke. Invisible man. I knew Denzel was cool shit when I made that first joke about the wallet on the old show and he laughed his ass. What do you mean you knew he was cool? What's, what? I don't know.

I don't know how it's gonna go. Everybody's very sensitive about race, right? Not Denzel. I don't know. Maybe he is. I don't know. Maybe he's just like a cool guy. I don't know, maybe he's just like a cool guy. I mean, maybe he just plays it off. You should overt racism.

You should, but what I'm saying is like, you know, Denzel, somebody who can tell when somebody's kidding. I think so. But now, but now the question is, can we tell if Denzel is kidding? Because he's written a script. He wrote an entire script. And that Denzel, you're on the line right now.

You're on the phone, right? Yes, that's high. Hello. Okay, so you sent me your script, which is called what? The long con. The long con. And it is about some kind of a heist that is also happening at like a Comic Con convention.

So that's the wordplay. Not necessarily a heist. I would say more so a drug deal. A drug deal. Okay. Now you sent me that script and as, as promised, to make it interesting, like I want to see if it is in fact better than a hammer too. I sent it to Randy, who is going to give you notes. Randy is a big time movie producer agent now. Yeah. You're smirking. No, I'm not smirking. Now Sean, did you know that Denzel?

No, I thought he was not smirking. I thought he was just reading them, like as like a, he's one of the like a T.A. P.A.s or some script. Like a no but not a no. Like just so looser that reads scripts and then gives his boss notes on the scripts, right? It's not a P. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, man, that guy changed. He became an absolute monster. You want to talk about grabbing pussies. He's going around now since he got a promotion. He's just like Dr. Claw, like Dr. Octopus going around eight arms in each different

drive. No, look, he's a big deal. And he is going to read your script and give you notes on it. Okay. So do I kill myself now or after he reads? No, wait, wait, wait, four or five months. Look, took the script a while. Is it better than the hangover too or not?

You know, it's more complicated than that, but I'll tell you that. No, it's not. I would definitely say yes. Because when you sent it to me, I immediately forwarded it to him and he said, it's only 65 pages. So what was that all about? Okay, okay. That, so what I discovered about writing is that it's,

like I used to do graphic design a while ago and one of the problems that I had was after working on something for some amount of time and being in contact with it for a very long time, it just looked the same. It looked bad. It didn't look good, or it didn't look good. It didn't look bad. It just looked very middleing.

Like I was incapable of liking something after a certain amount of time. Too close to it. Too close to it. Exactly. Don't have the objectivity anymore. Exactly. That's that's that's one of the problems. You guys really have fucked up mental problems. Both you and Sean. Oh yeah. You know, I don't know man. Like there's I think it works your advantage.

Long as you have another son of ice, like I want this to be perfect. Yeah. I want it. I want it worked your advantage. As long as you have another set of eyes. I want this to be perfect. Yeah. I want it to be great. But like after you had that in 65 pages, it's got to be like 90 pages minimum, 100. So with that, what I was thinking, like when I had sent it to somebody initially, because what I started doing during this process was,

What I started doing during this process was I literally would not have different versions of it because I would write something and then I would save over it just so I wouldn't have the temptation to go back. And the 65 pages thing was like after going through it a few times, I said like a few of these scenes in here are just blocks of text that explain what's going on in a scene. And essentially it would make up more than whatever the one minute per page shit is.

So it would come out to roughly an hour and 18 minutes or something, So it would come out to roughly an hour and 18 minutes or something, with just that shit in there. And then I did more reading online and found out that that was that, it's gotta be. It doesn't matter what you do. It's gotta be 90 pages, 100 pages.

It's gotta be. Because that encompasses all that stuff he's talking, it's all averages out. Yeah. But then you sent back a properly, you sent back a version of the proper size, correct? Yes, yes. Okay, so Randy's gonna read it.

What do you, what do you think he's gonna give it? How many densels out of 10 densels? It's gonna be 10 out of 10 densels. Oh yeah. 10 out of 10. 10 out of 10? Denzel's. Yeah. 10 out of 10. 10 out of 10? 10 out of 10. All right.

We will see. Maybe Randy will come in. You can come on the show, of course. Randy will give his notes. And then maybe we'll read some of it. We'll read some highlights. Does he? Maybe we'll get a fucking movie made.

What do I know? Denzel. Yeah, I just train with things that happen. Stranger things that happen. Denzel, do you have a little, right? Stranger things happen. Denzel, do you have a little, is there any kind of a tease you can give? You got any like sexy love scenes from just like a loose thing based. I mean, I know he kind of gave the synopsis. Yeah, what's like? I sort of want to, I sort of want to know

the feel of this movie. Yeah. There are a lot of weird comic book references in it. Okay, okay, because it's a con. Like there's not like a sexy, soldiery love scene in it, there's not. What is in it? Yeah, what's the big... Maltop cocktails, a gun, more than one gun. What's the big scene?

Like every movie has a kind of, the memorable scene that everybody remembers. What's the big scene? Like every movie has a kind of the memorable scene that everybody remembers. Yeah, who did it? Is there a guy named Renzel, Runs, who like is super cool? Or what? What's a memorable part of it?

There's a, you can't remember. Yeah, that's tough to say. It's like, you know what, I'm gonna say this, the entire script is memorable. It's not unforgivable. This is the worst sales pitch I've ever heard. Yeah, you don't want to read it. I'm not a born salesman.

It's tough, it's tough. Your work is gonna sell itself. There's a point where somebody jumps out of a parking structure. This is very much so based on actual San Diego. So I've lived here. Did they get chased off the edge by Trump supporters chasing them off? From bullying? Yeah, I mean, basically, I mean, not Trump supporters, but,

you know, he does jump clean out of a parking garage. Wow. Well, I guess we'll have to see. I'm proud of you for writing it, Denzel. You did. You followed through. What a show of follow throughers.

Denzel says he's going to write a script. Does it? Asterios makes two huge bets, loses them both, but still follows through on it. It's a show of doers. All right, buddy. You come in, come in soon when Randy, when Randy's got the read, we'll, we'll celebrate or make fun of you forever. It's probably going to be a ladder, but I hope not. I hope not. I hope it's funnier than the hangover too. Maybe we should watch it hangover two first to prep ourselves for it. I haven't seen it.

Hangover two? But I heard it was just like one, wasn't it? I haven't seen it actually either. I've only seen the first one. All right, thanks for calling, but... All right, thanks for having me. See you, man. Anyway, this has been the Dick Show.

See you next Tuesday. This ending theme, fuck, I had two things to play too. I had something to play from Sam Glaze. I'll play that next week. And I got this ending theme is from Todd Sidel. This dick show, you know, I play a remix at the end of every show. I like that. Yeah, this is from Todd Sidel.

It's pretty cool. I was really jamming out all night to this fucking thing. I was listening to this, playing some Kino with Aidee's girl on Friday night, jamming out to this remix. We didn't watch in those Kino numbers play. Oh man, nothing like a good game, Aidee. Sean, I can talk about Kino this hour. Five years, Bingo.

Oh, in five years I'll be playing Bingo. Could be, you're on your way. Too much work in Bingo. Yes, sir. Yeah, you gotta flip those things and do the marker and everything. You know, you just gotta keep your eyeballs on four numbers. That's it.

Sometimes five. Sometimes I get a little silly. Throw an extra five in there. Sometimes I'll play the jackpot number. Sometimes. Recklessly. That's where I wanna throw money away. Anyway, here's Todd Sidel's Diction.

You down there? It's cool. Yeah. It's right there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You down there? It's cool. Yeah, that's what I do now. Finger dancing. That's how you dance in a chair. Like that. Everybody's done such a different version. I like that. Yeah.

Here's somebody called in to try to get themselves on the Rageboard. You know, remind you of that. Yeah. Here's somebody called in to try to get themselves on the rage board. You know, my new rules. Yeah. Raise war 69 seconds and see how this guy does. Hey, hey, this is Jesus' can't dance in Christ. Listen to your show. And this is how I rule over the world. Actually, I'm kind of a busy guy. So if I saw him, he'd keep my name on his fucking mouth. Huh? It'd be real great. I'm doing what I can't read guys. The guy Donald Trump in the office and, uh, wait, you saw. Didn't make it. You know what?

Didn't make it. That happens a lot. It always, I don't know, it's puzzling why people, if they stumble a little bit, you can just keep going. Yeah, but your mind gets all jammed up. I know. That's the hardest thing. We get nervous, it's like panicking. And the whole world starts shrinking. I can relate to that a little bit.

Yeah. Nobody cares as much as you do. No, that's true. It's that little pill. You get sucked. You got to learn to live in that tiny pill. And like, tiny space. Yeah, no, you're right.

And you can't, like that fuck, was pure unadulterated rage for the split second. He could have, he could have slit the neck of a three year old. Yeah. Right in front of his parents. Right in front of his parents. You've got to, that's where I, that's what I want. I want it compressed into that little ball of fuck. Yeah.

And then to just stay there. That's what it's got to be. That's why it's, that's why it's a rage boy it's got to stay down it's real real art john i think this is lettuce john's called back in all boy all right take to let us join the half breed half white half mexican all white half probably Italian maybe you can check it was shone to confirm anyway now that i got that started and settled

uh... go fuck yourself was that let us now i want to get in about i don't think that is called in this week no it's doesn't this is the best show yet looking for the next one you know what you got me on the range because this is the best show yet looking for the next one you got me on the range

getting out of a car is all i think about it before it in the fucking car i'm married with two children i understand where the fuck you're coming from when i said that the park i get out i close my door i go to hit lock yeah I closed my door. I go to hit lock and Yeah, it's gotta be fucking be goddamn seconds because People in Korea I think this was where her base from decided that you know instead of getting a little No, it's got to be this 20 seconds montage. Yeah, everything is ever gone You know, he's talking like fucking put it in your ear

And then watch how it gets out close and door. I think I'm like, oh, my fucking wife, or my fucking son is in there. And it just blows my goddamn mind. It does. So, yeah, I understand yet. It is a pain in the ass to get out of the vehicle and less you're with a bunch of dudes.

Because even before you put it in park, everybody's in a bump and roll. And they are biting you into the spot, waiting for you to get the fuck out. Yeah park everybody's open. Yeah. Yeah. And they are biting you into the spot waiting for you to get the fuck out. Yeah. That's right. See you next Tuesday. That was a good one. That was a good one. All right. This guy, let's see. Hey, it's Chinese Tony again. I fucked up my last boy's, my boy's male. So sorry about that. But let's get to it. My my rage today is Anti-bullying programs, all right now first of all I get I used to get bullied when I was a kid I was a little bitch. I used to walk around and send the M.M. I had phones and I was thinking myself I'm gonna kill everybody when I grow up

But I realized later in life that I was just a sensitive bitch, you know I was just whining all the time people would come up to me and be like, hey, fuck you kid. You're stupid and I'd be like I was just whining all the time. People would come up and be like, hey, fuck you kid, you're stupid, and I'd be like, I'm a little bit crying, bro. And that's the problem. All these anti-bullying programs, they don't do shit, they don't do anything.

All they do is make kids sit in the back of the auditorium and laugh, bro. Yeah, all they do is laugh. It's not helping bullying at all. Here's my anti-bullying program. Stop being a little bitch and people won't bother you. Next time someone calls you a fucking saggy, just walk away and laugh it off. Next time you want to do an anti-bullying program, start it off with just saying, hey, listen kids, you're

not a saggy, normal call you one, all right? That's my time, I'll show it. I need stony. Wait, there's a little skewed logic there. I don't think that's going to work. I don't think more bullying will help. Those anti-bullying things, they seem to miss the point. Like South, but they already did the thing, like it's just, you're just trying to bully bullies, but you're not as good at it. Yeah.

Like you, you haven't been a bully or something. Yeah, you don't understand how we fit. First of all, you're not funny. Yeah. Like that's the whole, you can't have an anti-bullying campaign that is not funny. No, because that's what the bullying. Because bullying's a lot of times are funny.

Yeah. That's how they turn a group of 10 people against somebody. Yeah, by being funny. By meaming, you've got to have better memes than the bullies if you're going to stop bullying. And you're not doing it. Lecturing is, hectoring is not gonna do it. That's good Chinese Tony, but that was only 63 seconds.

So I'm afraid that doesn't go on the board. He called in again. He's a stickler for 69 seconds. It's gotta be 69 seconds. What if they go over? That's fine. That's fine. But that could hurt you.

Because you're not getting to the point, it's not. Yeah, because then you start meandering and filling just filling space. Yeah, he called Chinese Tony called in again. No, he did. Hey, did give me Chinese Tony. You probably guess what I'm from. I got a Washington born and raised.

I'm with the. Totally obvious to me. It's a fight. So basically my rage today is about it's called. It's called the fat girl tall pails, alright. So living in Seattle, liberals, a lot of crazy liberals, they all like to get in the circle and reduce stuff like this. So always the fat ugly bitch that starts this, alright.

She'll start talking. Oh my god, I met this guy at the party. He wouldn't stop following me around. He wouldn't stop texting me. It was just such a weirdo. And they always exaggerated to get as much attention as possible. He was touching me, and you know that she doesn't treat me, because she's just ugly, just girl, you better fucking see me.

And she just wants to look good in front of everybody, and that's fine, I respect that, but here's the problem, she's always disparaging God, she's always saying, oh, what a fucking weirdo, and all her friends are like, yeah, what a piece of shit they were in the Berkets dogs, they got piercings, they got fucking died hair and they're a lot of pieces shit anyway. That's my 16-9 seconds I think. Yeah. Have a good day, go fuck yourself.

62 seconds. What? Chinese Tony. He's consistent. He's consistent. Yeah, he's consistent. Yeah, he's consistent. He's consistent.

Yeah, he's consistent. He's consistent. He's consistently under the, you know, it's like taking a stroke off your golf game. Yeah. Very difficult to do. Spend a lifetime taking off one stroke, two strokes, impossible. That's what this, he always hugs, hugs that 60. Here's a final call from Chinese Tony. Oh, he did it again. He did it again. He gave it another shot. Let's see, maybe this one will be the

third time's charm. Hey, it's me, Chinese Tony again. I raised this time as weird chip flavors. All right. So I got on the supermarket the other day. I'm looking at all my options. All right. I rage this time is weird chip flavors. I go to the supermarket the other day I'm looking at all my options. I'm stone to fuck. I need to go home and just pass out on the fucking couch. So I go home. I go to the supermarket and I'm looking at all the chips. I'm looking at all the options. And I'm thinking what the fuck? We got over here so so I see over here. There's a big bag of chips and it's a special lays special, right the flavor Fish and chips. All right, first of all how the fuck you can have a flavor that had the word chip in it How you gonna have a chip based flavor chip? What the fuck is that? So I'm curious right?

I'm he really is universe. I smoke like four joints. I'm out here. I'm about to go home watch A.L.A.H. and Aliens, right? I started eating them. It tasted like ball sack, dipped in surraccia, okay? And I'm not playing. This is stupid. You can't find a normal bag of chips anywhere. You can't find a thing. That's a real issue now. And I need to go on New York City, I'll see you later. Okay. I bet that was close to 69 seconds. 69 seconds, exactly.

Cause he's talking about something he knows. He does. Talking from the heart about weird chip flavors. Are there really fish and chips? Sean, you can't reliably get chips in from one store to another. Like you can't reliably get chips from one store to another. Like you can't go. If you, if God, if there's some kind of fucking miracle and you get a weird chip flavor

that you like, like bacon avocado, bacon avocado Monday, try these ruffles. It's bacon avocado Mondays. You're like, I have no fucking idea. Number one, I have no idea how that is supposed to taste. Number two, I know you guys didn't nail it. I know that this is not going to taste anything like what you have on the bag. You buy those chips, you happen to love bacon avocado Mondays, you will never find them again.

Never. There's like a billion chip play. They're at random. They just change it up every month now with chip flavors. It's, he's absolutely right. It's impossible. It's impossible to enjoy chips anymore. You can't just go get three flavors, tops.

That's what I need. Cool Ranch, Nacho cheese, and, Bay and cheddar, cheddar onion. What is that one? And sea salt and vinegar. And the fuck, yeah, that's it. You need three chip flavors, Nacho cheese, cool Ranch. I know, jalapeno. She's part of the problem. Oh, no. You're part of flavors. Not your cheese, cool range. And jalapeno.

She's part of the problem. Oh, no. You're part of the problem. There are a lot of manufacturers that make really good jalapeno chips. Those kettle-cooked jalapeno chips, that's all I really need. That's four flavors now.

The system is shut. I don't need the other stuff. I could happily eat jalapeno, kettle chips, poor boys. What's the other one? Shit, I'm drawing a blank of whatever. I know I can see the packaging, jalapeno chips anyway, that's all I need.

I don't need anything else. This is how we got to this mess. Too many, too many chefs in the chip kitchen. All right, last one. Yo, what's up, Dick? It's Johnny. So yeah, usually I call you either completely shit-faced or completely high, but this time

I just had to call you as soon as something that pisses me the fuck off happened. You know what I hate most in this world? I hate it when you're pissing and you have to sneeze. It feels when you're pissing right, it feels like you're just letting out a stream of heavenly goodness pipe is as sick and as you really needed to be the pee is coming out so officially it feels almost pleasurable right? It's clean and that's the goal that changes completely. It's like you're shooting off a shotgun round out of a pistol. Or in my case, it's sniper rifle. So then your p becomes a shotgun.

The spread is incredible. It must take length, what kind of angle? Like a 40 degree angle, even more, an 80 degree angle, it just shoots everything straight up. You should be perfectly straight, right? Because you've been training yourself for years, just to straight because that's what you're supposed to do as a human being as a male.

But no, you pitch, you sneeze, you shoot like a shotgun, everything else is right around the toilet, you let the toilet hit, you let the back see, you let everything everything and what do you do? You just take another truck of you beer and you walk out Because I hope fucking men do Yeah, that oh, yeah, fuck that shit. I want to be on the rage board. Put me Johnny from Miami. Johnny from Miami With peace and easing yeah I mean, Johnny for Miami. With peace and easing. Yeah.

Peace and easing. Yeah. Have you ever sneezed? I and such shoot out a big glob of piss like he's describing. Can't remember. I always thought that you had to stop. Stop peeing to sneeze? Yeah, that your body stops.

No. Pissing for a second. Have you ever had to sneeze? I've never had to sneeze while I was taking a piss? Well, let's go take a piss and I'll tickle you or something to make you sneeze. I don't know how does it work. Now I really, now I need to sneeze.

I'm gonna take in a bunch of like, what, cartoon talcum powder or something. What makes you sneeze in a cartoon? Chili pepper? Chili powder, yeah. Chili powder. I'll go and the bathroom and start snorting some chili powder next time I'm pissing.

All right, well, what was this name? Johnny from Miami. Yeah. John from Miami. Peace, Nez and you got it, buddy. See you next Tuesday.