The Dick Show - Episode 26 – Dick on Santa

Episode Date: November 29, 2016

Download the MP3 Blernsday and the 30-hour work week, BCC mistakes and the chamber of shame, Castro’s diaper, dating a Blackula, cowboy dick pics, the shitty Gildan T-shirts that Maddox sells in his store to make an extra buck, Tooth Fairy Truthers, The Rage Lottery: two men enter one man leaves, celebrities call in with … Continue reading "Episode 26 – Dick on Santa" The post Episode 26 – Dick on Santa appeared first on The Dick Show.

Yeah! Welcome to Dick! You need Dick, you love Dick, you want Dick, you got it! It's the only show where everything is a contest. It's the only show I'm your host dick master's in with me as always is Sean, the audio engineer. Hey, it's the only show this podcast is the only show that pays Sean more than any other podcast and also, also the only podcast. Sean is on that has one million downloads.

Un unbelievable. Unbelievable, the success of this show that it's the only show Sean is on. Sean could be Sean is on. I don't know how many other podcasts Sean is on. I don't know how many man purses that any of the other shows he's on sells. But this is the only one that has over a million downloads. Unbelievable, unbelievable, the success of this show, from the fans of this show,

that the listeners of this show has embiggened us with a sense of pride and one million downloads joining us this week is Denzel Walks. I'm back, bitch. Denzel, welcome to the program. You also, this is, this is the only podcast you've ever been on that has had one million downloads by the 25th episode.

Very true. How about that? How does that feel? I feel blessed. Very hashtag blessed. I feel happy. Unbelievable. All right. So, Denzel, you've got quite a task ahead of you today. Yes, I do.

Because I haven't had you on in a while and that and for that I apologize. In that time, several pretenders and posters to your, your once dominant presence on the rage board as the reigning champ of the Ho hosts. You've been knocked down by Mad Cux, Asterios Cocanos. My life coach for God's sakes, that motherfucker doesn't even say anything when he's on the episode. He just sits in the chair and counts down the time till I pay an $180 bar tab. That's all he's doing here. He doesn't even bring in a rage.

He's the smartest guy who's ever walked in the door here. He just comes in, sits down, turns the webcam the web cams away from him, whether they're on or not. Yeah. And then if I make fun of him for doing that, he says, well, Mark Zuckerberg does it. It's because he knows you. What do you mean? It's because he knows you might fuck him. No, buddy. He's doing that because he thinks the NSA is spying on us. Number one, and the close number two is because he knows you. I don't know. I hope he doesn't think I would be capable of something like that.

Surprising him by throwing him up on the internet. That's not my style. That's not funny. Because he doesn't deserve it. I only do it. I only get people who deserve it. I think something we found out is pretty cool. Really? Yeah. But he did. Doesn't he have like three tweets?

No, no, he tweets all the time, dude. He does? Yeah, he tweets, uh, vociferously. But he doesn't tell anyone. He doesn't tell anybody about it. That's that's the best. He doesn't want to tell anybody about it. It's just like his diary. That's like, he's, when he started tweeting.

It's like a confession. It's like his confession because he has all these probably saving his marriage So he just goes in there and tweets every like every insightful thing that he thinks that crosses his mind about or links Like links that he finds interesting hillt instead of just sending me links anymore He will tweet it and then copy me on the tweet. Like I no longer get just interesting links from coach anymore. I only get links to his Twitter of the link that he just tweeted. I'm like, what the fuck didn't you just say? Like is this what we're doing now? You tweet because

I don't follow anyone on Twitter. I only follow Trump. So we're using, we're taking the this beautiful system of communication and reducing it to the dumbest possible. He takes the link instead of just texting it to me. He tweets it, copies the tweet, and then sends the tweet at me so that I can log into my Twitter and like it, hoping that fans of the show don't see it because he doesn't want any followers. Yeah. You don't follow anyone? I only follow Trump.

No shit. Yeah. If he lost principle. Yeah, yeah. It's a bit. Oh, all right. So good luck this week, Denzel. Thank you, thank you.

I want you to win because out of all these motherfuckers, you're the only one who would come in here regularly. Yeah. Because you're close. Sorry, this is what makes me a rage. Oh, by the way. He's all the way from San Diego. Yes, he is. He just comes in. He is. And he still comes in here. We got to talk about your movie. Yes, this episode, we're going to talk about what makes you rage. We also have exciting

rage lottery developments. Yeah. You know, I launched this Patreon. Yes, he's very exciting. I launched this Patreon, the Dixiel Patreon Patreon.com slash the Dixiel. By the way, fucking Patreon, you remember last week how I was complaining about team Snapchat, fucking everyone over with their stupid holiday messages that you can't get to go away on your notification. Like you have to, not only do they even tease you by sending you not tits, but then you have to stare at that one

and get duped every time you look at your phone until you click what until you look at your phone until you click what until you look at it. Like your hostage on your own phone. So I'm talking about what an atrocity this is, what an egregious invasion of your personal life that they do every season. What happens next fucking day podcast on Patreon sends a blast out to everybody who's a Patreon subscriber, no matter what, no matter what you're subscribed to on Patreon.

If you're a supporter of the Dix show, they sent this to you. If you're a supporter of, I don't know, somebody who's just doing weird pornographic stories, they sent this to, they put everybody in one big basket and they sent some fucking video, a happy Thanksgiving video of like two of their staff members thanking no Patreon, nobody wants to hear from you, nobody. No, like unless your platform is 100% perfect all the time, which it is not on Patreon. Their app has a lot of fucking problems. Causes me a lot of fucking grief. Causes a lot of Patrioties who donate big bucks

to get access to this quality material, like the video stream and the video cast and the bonus episodes where I go into great detail of how my pornography experience could be enhanced by a trillion dollar device called porn savers. These people do not want Thanksgiving greetings from patreon.com. Okay? Patron.

It's the equivalent of like, this is what it is. This is how ridiculous it is. And I think that the marketing people who think this up, these kinds of initiatives up, should be hanged for it, because this is how egregious it is. It's like you go to a Guns and Roses concert, right? Like the one I went to at Qualcomm. And you're there getting geared up,

and saw stuff, and amped up to see these fat planets come out and play some rock and doons for you, right? That's what you paid the money for. That's all I wanna see. I wanna one-to-one relationship here. I put the money down, I get the planets. I get the rock and ass jams from two of the baddest motherfuckers on earth.

That's what I paid for. It's like Donnie Qualcom or whoever built Qualcom Stadium, whoever owns it, whoever provided the stadium. He comes out before Guns and Roses and says, Hey everybody, I'm done. I'm a, Jiminy, Jiminy Qualcomm here. Here's my wife, Lucinda. We're gonna just play you a little diddy that we wrote as a thank you for coming and sitting in our Qualcomm stadium. I'm saying, what the fuck? I don't want to see this. I'd rather get nothing.

I'd rather get nothing than hear Jiminy Qualcomm and Lucinda Qualcomm pay me, play me a folk song from their fucking EP. They're like, well, it's free, it's free, huh? I don't fucking care. You're, you're lessening the value of my experience by throwing, by trying to add mix into the flag, by trying to add Kool-Aid to the Bonsch. Well, you don't know how fucking mix.

I don't want you fucking when my subscribers, when they see a message from Patreon, pop up, I'm seeing fucking spots, I'm so pissed off. When they see an email from patreon.com, pop up in their email or their outlook, or their hotmail.com, and believe me, some of these weird motherfuckers that subscribe to this show, you hotmail.

And JizzleMail, I've seen the weirdest domains I sent out coupons for free shirts, like to the $20 Patreon, just as a thank you. As a holiday, Christmas, thank you. And the shop is opening, the DixTor shop is finally opening. Opening here, have a free t-shirt. And I went down the list of the emails to like try to figure out how to, how to clamp these coupons, how to clamp on my generosity, because I don't want these

coupons being used twice, you understand? No, only once, only once, bury your mother fuckers. So I went through all the emails, I had to p, paste them in this thing and try to devise a system wherein you can use this coupon once for your email. And I got to send it. So I went through all this trouble of getting all the emails lining up the coupons for the email. And I go to write the email to all the big swing and dicks on Patreon and I think to myself, okay, this is, this is the final, this is the final yard, this is the longest yard, right? This is the last yard. I've brought the ball. I've set up the store.

I've set up all the coupon codes so all the Patreonis can get a free shirt, right? Because it's America. It's a free shirt. Everybody knows, everybody knows a free shirt. Like that is a, that's the thank you card you want. I don't want Patreon sending some stupid email in a video. I don't, what is this video?

What do I have to, how much time did you waste of everybody's by making them sit through this abominable video about what? What are you thinking for, you, us for, you didn't make the fucking content. Who are you thinking for? You, us four, you didn't make the fucking content. Who are you thinking on behalf of? Oom here. That's what I'm saying.

Anyway, a free shirt. That's a proper thank you is a free t-shirt. So I spend all this time, or I get it, I get, I get a factory, I get a guy to make the t-shirts. You understand? Because these are high quality t-shirts. These are high quality t-shirts, Sean. I don't want, if you're getting a dick show shirt,

like the one I'm wearing now that you can see on the stream, if you go to the Patreon, I don't want you walking around with shoddy, shitty merchandise. How many times has that been washed? 10,000 times. Yes, I washed this shirt. 10,000 times and it still holds up.

I've washed it. So, screen is not peeling off. I'm not bullshitting you. I went through several t-shirt makers. I got the shirts, not only the printing, but the actual shirt itself. And I washed them five times. Yeah. And saw which one fit.

I was like, does this shirt make my tits look too muscular? Or my arms look too ripped? That's what I wanted to know. Does it, do I look too big and buff in this shirt? Do I look too skinny? I don't want to look too skinny. I want to look nice and hefty. I want to look like a unmovable trapezoid pyramid. Like you could join guns and roses.

Yes, that, like I could know, no, don't be like I could guitar tech for them. Okay. Yes. I don't want to be possessed. I don't want to think that I could play that they had the fatness of age. It's a totally different fatness. It's when a man starts looking like an old woman, he's got a power through it with carbs. That's a sign from when you know the age at which a man so like Bruce Jenner

hasn't eaten enough carbs. He should have seen power through you either. You either going to turn into a woman or you start packing on the LBs man. You're either hard fork in the road. You're either Caitlin Jenner or your Marlon Brando. Yeah. You're fucking shit figured out. I go. America. Yeah. So these t-shirts, painstaking detail, I went through on these t-shirts to stock up the store, then I said, and I didn't want to rip everyone off at the Dix show shop. I didn't want to rip anybody off because you go to like, spread shirt and you try to get a shirt to sell the people. You put your logo on and they're like, okay, no problem.

You just have to charge your listeners. It's $28 for that shirt. I'm like, oh, give me a fucking break. I know how much a t-shirt costs. It's like, you know, seven bucks. It's like $28. No. So I make a profit.

I'm not charging people a dinner tab for a t-shirt. You know what I'm saying? Just like, yeah, I make a little, I make a little dough. Yeah. I pay, I pay the people who design the shirts. Every shirt that they make, because I want to share the profit. Share the wealth.

You don't have to apologize for making money. Thank you, Sean. You put the effort in. Thank you, thank you. I will pay somebody else to apologize for me making money. Anyway, I go through all this, all this, all this work to make a high quality shirt because some stores some some online stores use absolute shit shirts like

Gilgin through the loom. Somebody like Maddox all of his shirts are the shitst quality shirts so he can maximize the profits for every shirt, not at the Dix show. High quality, next level, this is like, this is like American apparel equivalent shirts. It makes you look absolutely ripped and it accentuates the curve of your fat stomach. So it perfectly, like, you don't want to tighten it in, you want to get it going nice and big, right? Plump and strong, right and hefty, hefty. That's what, what? Not at all., right? And hefty, hefty.

That's what, what? Not at all. Not at all. Anyway, I go through all these trouble to do this, this initiative with my store. And I say, okay, the last thing I have to do is take all these 300 emails and put them in the BCC field on an email and send it out to everybody. And then it's just a huge success. Then it's just a flawless success.

So I do that. I hit the send and then I realize, you put them all in the CCC field. So you just sent hundreds of people, do you understand what that means, Sean? Yeah, I'm sorry. I just put hundreds of people on blast, trying to do something nice.

And I just close, and I see the responses start coming in. Hey, dumb fuck, hey you fucking idiot. Hey, thanks for doxing. I was like, okay, put the clothes, the computer, close the computer. And I just, I went into my anti-man splaining chamber, which is just a black room that has a bunch of slurs written all over the walls.

So I in glow in the dark paint and a black light. And I sit in there listening to Elliot Smith and reading about how stupid I am and the walls are all there's a there's all kinds of implements to kill myself with. And I just sit there being a Arraith a derelict of mistakes and failures and I can hear the emails coming in my head. Hey dumb fuck Hey dumb fuck. I don't know if it's I don't know if you're new to email But you just put everybody you're trying to give a free t-shirt to you just gave everybody else there even and I said well Good job. You just you fumbled right at the, at the one yard line anyway.

Let me tell you what makes me rage this week. Going back to work after a vacation, after a four day work week, man. Going back to work after a three day, four day weekend is there is nothing, there is nothing that is that gives that has ever given me an existential crisis like that Monday morning after a three, even a three day. And this we're sitting on a four day, a four day weekend. Man, it feels like that is your life now. It feels like that. Like you get through, you kick those shackles of the workplace off of whatever you want

to call that and you start really enjoying life on that fourth day. You learn what Sunday is all, you know, Saturday, Saturday has taken on a completely different meaning now. Sunday has lost. It's no longer a day of dread. You understand these weekends, they've, they've, you've gone through that. You're on, you're sitting the third day of a day of dread. You understand these weekends. They've, you've gone through that. You're on, you're sitting the third day of a three-day weekend is a new, is a different day.

It's the start of Saturday. It's the start. After you've had two days off already. After you've had two, it's a, it's like a blind day. It's a day that didn't exist. No, it is great. And you don't know how to feel. I know.

You feel like a magical, prancing man running around the countryside in a land of rainbows. It feels like what life should really be like is that third day. And then you get the fourth day. And you're thinking, you feel like a child again. Like, God, this is, I have so much free time.

I can start having dreams again. I can start thinking about something other than how my 401k is fucking me. And how much I hate answering emails. I haven't answered an email in 96 hours. The world is my oyster. And then you wake up on that Monday or that, too, that you got to go back to work after a three-day weekend. And you feel not that you want to kill yourself, but that something in you has just died. That that learns day man, that prancing man who had that who didn't care in the world is dead. He's dead and killed by you. Because deep down in you, you know when you go back to work after that third day or four-day, every single time,

there's that little niggling doubt in your mind that says, why? Why, what, what, what could you possibly have to do here? That you couldn't have just done tomorrow. Why isn't every weekend, why isn't every weekend a three day weekend? Why are we working so fucking much? What, what, go ahead. I mean, I've thought this for years. Didn't they try that in Utah making a four day,

10 hour a day work week? They've tried it a number of governments have turned a five day work week at eight hours into a four day work week of 10 hours. I would do that in a second because you end up working an extra two hours ain't shit to me. Same. Well, but then, okay, I would be tempted to it.

But then that to me, that's like assigning your entire day over to wherever you're working for. I mean, depending on who ruins your day anyway. I mean, like if you're your day anyway, doesn't it? I mean, like, if you're, let's say, I used to work 25 miles from where I lived. And in between point A and point B, there was enough traffic to make it 45 minutes each way.

Yeah. So I get up in the morning, take a shower, I have to leave right away. I come back home, sit in 45 minutes of traffic, I have to go do whatever I need to do, that's necessary, like laundry or go to the grocery store, cook, and then go right to sleep. With a 10 hour day, I'm staying up a little bit later, but it's not that big of a difference. It still seems like bullshit to me.

So what, you got two extra hours, like what are you doing? Filing extra forms. What's offensive to me is not the number of days. It's the number of hours that everyone is pretending we need to work. I fucking agree with that. Like what? I need to be here for 40 hours. Hey, newsflash, I'm fucking around for most of it. Yep. Yep. I'm probably 30% of the time. I'm dicking around, or I have to deal with somebody who's causing dick around problems because they themselves are dicking around.

That's my first issue with it. Number two, how much time, what are you doing at home? Every single moment, second that you're working time, like if you were billing like a lawyer, every email you checked at home would be an hour. So why the fuck does everybody need to be in an office for 40 hours a week? That's my question. It's not making, it's not saying, well let's take a five hour work week

and compress it into two days and you just have to work for 50 straight, 40 straight hours over two days. It's, why are we working a 40 hour week? Why, when is it, so okay, Henry Ford originally proposed the 40 hour work week down from 50. Did you know this? I did not.

Oh, okay, 1926. He's rolling out, you know, he's changing the world. He's changing the world by day, writing anti-semitic literature by night. Henry Ford says, he's a very busy man. He worked more than 40 hours. He worked more than 40 hours. He thought for the layperson, 40 hours was plenty. Writing his books was a labor of love.

We wouldn't even call that work, I don't think. No, did you know that about Henry Ford? Yes. Okay, okay. You don't teach that in school. So he says, all right, I got all this assembly line and stuff. I'm going to say, let's try it out with 40 hours. Instead of making everybody work six days a week,

let's take a 50 hour work week and make it a 40 hour work week. Production improved. So he says, we're doing it, the whole Ford company, that's what we're doing. And by the way, so should everybody else. And they're saying, no, that's impossible. How would we get any work done?

We're just giving these slubs money for doing nothing, is no, makes them work harder. So my question is, when are we moving from 40 to 30? If all the healthcare shit is set up so that you gotta work 30 hours, why are we just working 30? If everybody's got their stupid little device from home, why are we just working 30?

Why the hell, why don't we just go, why isn't Thanksgiving every week? No more, no, because that feeling, that depression that you get when you show up on Monday is your subconscious telling you that they're taking something away from you, that you do not need to be here and you know it. Go ahead.

There's the deep sigh on Monday. As soon as you park your car and you get up to the building door, you're just, you grab the door knob, you walk inside, because you know there's nothing but pain inside of that building. You die a little every Monday. Every, every Monday. For me, it's every day. I know that I don't have to be in the office every single fucking day

because I work at IT. I can fix all of the problems remotely or at least 90%. Yeah, you can give people attitude anywhere in the world. You don't need to be there wasting everyone's time. Exactly. And being incompetent, you could do that for many more. I'm like, it's calling you. I'm not the incompetent one.

You tell me as soon as I forget how to attach something to an email, call me when that happens. I swear to God. And I can sit at home every fucking day. And my boss, my boss even, he works from home three days a week and he only comes into the office on Mondays. He's off Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Just to make sure you're there. Yeah, yeah, it's literally, it's literally just like I I work the shift that I do at work

Just so he can stay home. Yeah, literally that's it and I it upsets me to know in because there's not it's not every day That I have a bunch of stuff to do. Yeah, and a lot of the time I'm on the IRC channel During the middle of the day when I'm at work. Wait, Sinkfucka, you can be doing that from home. Exactly. You're just not working. Like nobody is working all this time. I don't care what you're doing. You're not working.

I brought in, I was gonna do this in a bonus episode because it's a fix. And, you know, I think bonus episodes are better for fixes. So I brought in all these stupid stats, but you could look these up if you want. You're not doing 30% of people say they waste an hour a day, 15 say they waste two hours a day, a day, every single day.

And this is what they're being honest about. Let me see here. Does that count like smoke breaks for bathroom breaks taken four hours. Shits every day. Utah went to a four day week, but they increased the hours, like you're saying, Sean, save the state to $2 million. Is it still going though? I heard it went back or it wasn't successful for whatever. I heard it wasn't successful too, but they missed the point because it's not.

I know you're saving hours down people's throws. It's admitting that there's just not this much bullshit to do every day. I know people do fuck around at work a lot. If you've got time to surf the net for an hour, you should only be there seven hours. Manufacturing makes up 8% of jobs, right? Okay. So you're telling me that in 80 years, you still have to be there every fucking day. The amount of robots.

You know what? So Ming, go ahead. It's the fact that you have to sit in so many fucking meetings every day. Oh, because it's a bunch of people trying to justify their jobs, too. Exactly. You get their meetings. There's meetings about meetings. So, I've been part of that corporate world where it's, yeah, it sucks ass.

That's what's great about my job. Now, if I'm not working, I'm not there. That's perfect. That's perfect. So, it's funny. You bring that up. Here's Ford's quote. And I think he's saying exactly 1926 six day work weeks with a norm Ford proposed a five

day work week where they'd have weekends free. So Henry Ford invented the weekend basically, which of all the things you've heard about being invented, that's a pretty fucking big invention. Don't you think? No idea about any of this. Well, in part of his mass production help make that possible, I would imagine. Oh, yeah. Now, this is what he said. Now we know from our experience in changing from six to five days and back again, that we can get at least this great production in five days as we can in six. And now you're saying with increased technology, why are we not reducing it to 30?

Not only increased, that's part of it, but it's not only increased technology, because you brought up the meetings to have meetings. This insane amount of waste of time that everyone subjects themselves to. And happily, like they wear it on their sleeve, like, oh, I'm the head of meetings. I'm the head of dickball industries.

On the head of making people believe meetings. Everyone below you knows it's a waste of time and hates your guts, but they don't have your job and your people to answer to. And that's why those people are so, I love meetings. Look at me, I'm chairperson of meetings guy. Yeah, I need to send things. Look how good I'm doing as they look up the ladder.

For the meetings, why can't you get everything in the agenda for this fucking meeting? If somebody can sign on by. Somebody spending time organizing and creating those fucking PDFs and for meetings you don't have to have in the first place. No, and Ford says we should probably get a greater, we should probably get a greater,

we should probably get a greater, I guess he couldn't grammar either. For the pressure, for the pressure will bring better methods. The five day week is not the ultimate and neither is the eight hour day. It's enough to manage what we are equipped to manage and let the future take care of itself.

That is, it will anyway, that is its habit. So he's saying it's not about getting, it's about the pressure of getting better methods. Like you're not gonna sit there and make yourself more efficient if you have time to burn. But once you cut that time down, it there and make yourself more efficient if you have time to burn. But once you cut that time down, like don't take, don't take 40 hours across five days and squish it into four days, you're just, now you just fucking with people's brains.

See what you could get accomplished in four days, four days at eight hours, motherfucker. That's a test. I didn't think about that way and that makes sense. Yeah. So that's what I'm, that's my rage this week is going back to work on a Monday and feeling like you just had, it's feeling like you just watched

your 10 year old self get killed in front of your eyes, like Lupert. Danzele, what makes you a rage? So what makes me a rage is modern dating. Oh, wow. It's one of the worst experiences I've had in recent memory dating. Yeah.

So a couple months ago around the last time I was on the show, I met a nice lady from Tinder. We hit it off immediately. Nice lady from Tinder, it says. Yeah, nice lady from Tinder. She's great. She's a pew member. Remember her bio?

No, I don't. Okay, go ahead. I mean, do people even read those? Like Her bio? No, I don't. Okay, go ahead. I mean, do people even read those? Like, really, I just, I glance at the pictures, send some stupid comment there way, because it's a 50-50 shot. You miss every shot you don't take, so why not just say anything? Anything.

Yeah. So, we hit it off. She's a PhD candidate at UCSD. And she's, it's biochemistry. Okay. Incredibly smart. Right. So we, we, we, we stood, we hit it off on the first day.

We go to a brewery, a local brewery. And then she was like, oh, yeah, what are you doing later tonight? Whoa. And I'm like, it's coming on strong. I'm seeing you. That's what I'm doing later tonight. Good. You all right. So we go out to the movies or whatever.

And she, I don't know. She's looking to make an organic compound, right? That's what I'm doing. Get it. All right. So we go out to the movies or whatever. And she. I don't know what she's looking to make an organic compound, right? What did you see? What movie did you see? Suicide Squad. Oh, you did. Yeah.

It was terrible. Yeah. Was she into superheroes? Yeah. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait. She wanted to say. Why wasn't that movie out a while ago? Yeah, this was, this was the last time.

I thought you were a month or two. Two months, whatever. What are you trying to pick apart a story for us? I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to listen. What, is that not recent? No, no, no, it's recent. No, it is.

I just, I thought you'd been on the show more recently. Oh, no, no, this was what? End of September? Okay. What happened? Yeah, I believe you. Yeah, okay. All right, that checks out. Yeah. Okay. All right.

That checks out. You can tell you used to be an on Maddox's per show. You got to bust people on everything they say. I kind of do. I kind of do. So anyway, is he had a talk with you about that yet? I got that talk every week. No, no, no, no.

Okay. I bet Rucker Rucker Ali is at that talk. I highly doubt it. I put money on that. I put money that he's had a, hey, no, no. Okay. I've had Raka Raka Ali. He's had that talk. I highly doubt it. I put money on that. I put money that he's had a, hey, can you just pipe down on some of these? You're derailing your derailing the show. And I've brought in a lot of interesting statistics that I need to read through and your jokes are distracting it. It would be news to me. I don't think I honestly don't think he's had that talk. Okay. Go ahead, Denzel. So I for distracting you. Oh, no, no, it's all good. So we're after we go see this movie and nothing happens. It just fizzles. Like I tried to talk her and then going back

to my place. Oh, yeah. She's like, oh, what are you doing tonight? Like, do you want to go to a bar? She's like, no? She's over it after the movie. Yeah, after the movie. So it's dampened my chances by large stretch. And so fast forward. Cause you wanna be late that night. Yes. Yeah, that's what we do.

Yep. No, next week's not gonna work. Gotta be tonight. I need to figure out the magical set of words that will give me late. Tonight. Next week, not possible. That's a gonna work. Gotta be tonight. I need to figure out the magical set of words that will give me later. Tonight, next week, not possible. That's a different guy. I don't care if that guy gets laid.

This is me right now. I'm an enemy of that guy. I'm trying to poison him actively at all times. I'm trying to spend all of his money and get his drunk as drunk as possible so that he is sick. Go ahead, sorry. So fast forward nine weeks. So we're going out like

over a nine week period, like seeing each other two or three times a week. What movies did you see? No, don't stop it. Let's see it twice. So one of the last times we went out, something I had noticed had been happening, but it didn't initially click and it actually clicked after we saw the last movie we went to go see it with each other. So, we go eat. She asks, or I ask her, can I, should I bring you a water? Do you want anything to drink? She's like, yeah, water is fine.

So I bring her a water? Do you want anything I'm enjoying? She's like, yeah, water is fine. So I bring her over the water. And this is, this has happened before, but it's just become a pattern in my mind. I bring in the water, we finish eating, she hasn't taken a single sip of the water. Oh, that bitch. And throw it right in her face. It's happened that bars, that water. It's the, you know, and this is it.

This is gonna turn into a real weird story. Yeah. Well, wait, what does she look like first of all, she was like, I don't know five three black girl. Okay, what about She had department A plus A plus A press so she So going forward

And prior prior to this day, she had never gotten in the car with me, gotten in my car. So she's frantically, it's noticeable. She sits in the car and I turn on the car and I notice that she hasn't put on her seatbelt yet because of course, my car won't shut the fuck up if you don't put on your seatbelt. God damn it, it's like telling you how,

it's like that beep that it gives you is like, you have no power, you have no, you have no ability to escape this dystopian hell that you're trapped in, like we control you, we control you, can't shut that fucking thing off. On some of those, the early ones you could push where they buckle inserts, you could push it, and it would shut it up, thinking you plugged it in,

and now you can't. You know, you actually have to plug it in. No, do you think she was thinking about bolting? Well, I'll get to that. I'll get to that. It's in where at least to me, it's kind of interesting. So she hops in the car and she's not, she doesn't have her seatbelt on. Take her water and run.

She pulls out her foot for running. Oh, yeah. She got to stay hydrated. I got a hydrate so she can run out run done sale coming to get her five K. She's an she got to stay hydrated. I got a hydrate. So she can outrun Dunsel, coming to get her. She's an alien. It's possible. Now, we've been the bars and stuff that happened there before. She would either, like, I would get up. If I wanted to save the seeds, she would get up with me and go to the bar. Okay. And get the drinks or like, if I brought her back something, she wouldn't drink it. So,

Wait, so she was really, she would just not drink anything you touched. Like it was tainted. Like if I had drank it, she would drink it or if somebody else brought it, she would drink it. But if I brought it to her directly, she would not drink it. She thought you're trying to spike her dress. Yes, yes, yes. Even though even an unopened bottle of what,

did you ever give her an unopened bottle of water? I never tried. I mean, it's always at restaurants. I don't think I've ever. Wow. Yeah, you gotta pay for that. Yeah, because you don't give off any of that creepy vibe. Well, I mean, I haven't been on a date with you,

but I would, I would hide it down. Okay, I'm in. You don't think that laugh makes your thing that you're a bad guy? Oh, he laughs like Dr. Claw. You don't think that's a problem. She's probably like, oh yeah, wow, what a nice guy. And then Denzel pulls up.

Whoa. I go shit. I guess I'm going on a date with Blackula. Oh man. Did you confront her up? No, no. Let me, all right. So, it's like when she gets in the car,

like, and I notice she hasn't put on her seatbelt, she's like very intently looking at her phone and like, typing away. And then she puts away her phone, puts on her seatbelt. If you don't hear from me, call the cops. That's, so we get out of the movie. And during the entire movie movie her phone has been going off nonstop.

Oh, what a delight. And so what a fucking delight you dodged a bullet on this one, my friend. Yeah, possibly. And her phone is just sitting in the middle of the seat. She gets up to go to the bathroom and I look at it and there are 30 unread text messages. And I'm like, this seems like an instance where I would catch a case if anything were to happen. Because it's, I don't have it.

What do you mean? Like, let's say like a criminal case. Okay. Like, let's say something, let's say. Like, Cernivic God. Yeah. Okay. So, I, like, I don't ask her about it.

I just don't ever text her ever again after that. Because that's... Did you bang her? No. Oh! You gotta, and look, like, according to the wonderful advice that I've gotten from the people in the Discord and the IRC channel, like that's using Tinder or going to a bar to try to meet somebody is not a good thing.

You have to organically create connections through playing kickball, but with that being my first four, oh yeah. Or just bringing your friends X's. I mean, they already like you. What the hell? Either way. Yeah, maybe already like you. What the hell? Either way. Yeah, maybe. Allegedly.

So, yeah, long story short, there's a list of co-ed leads in San Diego. That's your cruise and elementary school. Oh, Sean, that one worked on Sean because he takes co-ed sports way too seriously. I'm competitive, man. Do you remember? You told me a story a decade ago about do you remember this one? I saw a football game where you use like scream that a girl for dropping a ball in a devil play a second base. Well, no, I don't think I screamed at her. I did not feed her the ball

for the force out. I chose to throw to first base because I didn't trust her shitty hands. Yeah. Oh, maybe it maybe it was someone else. I'm remembering this story where I don't think I I don't think I yelled. I don't think I was that crazy at the at that time. Where something was said and then somebody came up to you and he's like, Hey, buddy, it's just a game. Calm down because you've really laid into this chick and you're in the right. Her fun. She probably had shitty fundamentals. Well, she do you remember what I'm talking about? Yeah, it was a, it's a little bit different, but yeah, I mean, that's sort of the idea. She looked like there was one play.

It went to, I don't know why the fuck she was playing second base anyway. She probably wanted to, there was a grounder hit to her once. Somehow she ended up on her back, spinning like a 300 pound ninja turtle. She couldn't catch the balls and he fell over. Cause she was like, yeah, I mean, you know, some people just are not coordinate. You're not supposed to be in like your late 40s, playing second base on, I mean, it's a fucking shitty company softball team, but like God damn it. At least put her in a position where she can't do much damage.

Did you say anything? No. I kind of probably laughed. I guess I'm remembering it wrong. Anyway, then, but yes, I took that shit seriously. I take life's a competition, man. Oh, I know you can't play board games with you. You can't play what board games with you? No, I don't have the patience for him. Oh, fuck it. I'll turn that board over. Yeah, there is, Tinder is the ultimate proof of that old saying that chicks decide if they want to sleep with you in the first three seconds. And you don't, nothing you do can change it neither.

It's anything anyone telling you otherwise is somebody that's just basing like their tiny sample of data, which is going to be tiny no matter what, because there's not that many nights in your life. Like a tiny data sample said against just positive confirmation bias. Like, well, every time I went to the casino, I wore these slick white shoes, and every time I'm a winner,

it's like, yeah, well, the casino decided that it wanted to fuck you because you had a picture of a black and white picture, a sepia picture on your fucking tender profile. That's what happened. Yeah, exactly. That's what I have modern dating, huh? Yeah, and I'm like, I closed all my web accounts

or whatever for online dating. There are a lot of apps, in case you were wondering. I'll get into it later, but essentially, I compiled a list of all of them and... Well, for what? It's for something I'm writing. It's a... What are you writing?

Another movie? No, no. I've decided to back out of that. I love the movie writing? Yeah. Why? Because I'm bad at it. Oh, no, but Randy's going to come in and talk about your movie.

Easy. Oh, yeah, dude. He's reading it. Randy, Randy's gonna read it, and then he's gonna come in and thinking he's hot shit to review your movie, and I'm gonna sandbag him with a bunch of questions about Maddox. This is gonna be hilarious.

Oh. Oh. Oh. He listens. I don't know, we'll see. Yeah, he says great show, but you know, it's like a stereo. So he goes and gives everybody's book review on Amazon. It's always the same.

There's a bunch line in every line. Or some that's always the same review. I don't know, I guess we'll see. So I love Randy though. Do we get to the end of the story with the girl? Oh, I just never texted her again. You never texted her again. No, but you went out how many times?

It like over nine, it was over nine weeks. And twice over nine weeks and twice over nine weeks. And she's like, you're going to be caught. Water. Yeah. Yeah. Like that was the weirdest part to me because it's totally bizarre. It's what was the whole vibe like? We got along great. It's like she laughed. She did like, yeah, a lot of cocaine and dick jokes, a lot of a lot of different. Are you joking about that? No, I'm dead serious. Okay. Wait, a lot of cocaine and then like telling you

dick jokes or a lot of cocaine jokes and dick jokes. Cocaine jokes and dick jokes. That's the guy where your fucking commas go. All right. Yeah. We got along fantastically and that was the weird part at least for me because we like first day we clicked and it was great from then There were a few weird spots. Oh no

This was with a different person. I started seeing somebody else and As soon as I told her that I didn't complete my degree in in university She like her whole demeanor had changed. Oh God. You're not bona fide anymore. Exactly. It's like, oh, never mind the fact that I make fucking more money than you. And I have a successful career in a blossoming field. Maybe I could just go fuck my podcast. A podcast, that's what he's talking about.

A podcast is coming up. Well, the worst thing about it is everything that you learn at every step dating does not apply in five years. Like you get older and you get dumber because everything that you thought you knew doesn't work anymore and everybody gets crazier the older and more in singular you are. The pool whittles down till you're scraping at the bottom of the fucking barrel on both sides

and you gotta take a real good hard look at yourself and say, wow, I'm one of these people. I'm in this fucking pool. I'm saying that I'm scraping the bottom and that I'm the golden goose here, that nobody's managed to snag. But really, on the other side of it, some chicks sending 30 texts and won't drink your water. Yeah. That's reality. Good thing I live close to TJ.

Yeah. That's all I can say. All right, guys, let's get to, let's get to the rage lottery before the news, news, news, babe gets here. Lacey, Lacey Nicole is back. I don't know.

Lacey Looney, I don't know what she wants to be called. Lacey Looney was the last thing we called. Well, that's what I call her, but then she sends, every, every girl in LA has like five nom de plumes or nom de Instagram, whatever they want to call them. I don't I never know what to call them. With a bunch of AKs, a KK, you know, from the strip club, a K a the one else snored all your co a K a young pound cake.

Yeah, many different many different names. Um, so the what we're doing with the rage lottery isattery is I put it out on the Patreon and I got hundreds of people who wanted to play the game and get their name on the board and get their rage across. That's the point of this show is get it out, get the poison out. So I thought instead of having just one drawing a month, like something some token thing, like let's just draw one name out of the hat and let this person talk. I figured, let's make it a contest. Let's put two of these lottery drawing guys against one another, let people vote and will

have the person who wins come back on the next week to defend their age against somebody else. That's the point of the show is to find the biggest rage in the world, right? That's what we're trying to do. So that's what I want to do this week. I want to have the first one and, you know, as people come on, I'll reset the vote and you'll all go on the board. I'll reset the vote and we'll start off fresh.

The two people will start off fresh every time. Let me give me a moment to try to get one of these guys on the air. Any tips for meeting chicks outside of dating your friends, Axis? I gave him. It's just, it's totally hopeless because we're all, we're all so damaged and retarded and selfish and horrible. The real, the root of it is you're just trying to trick somebody into getting your needs met for as long as possible. And you're trying to, whatever the ups and downs of the relationship is, you just don't

want that cross over into the end of it. Like because that takes you, then you have to go start rebuilding again. Like that's the nightmare scenario. I don't have any tips. I don't think anyone has any real tips. Like beyond just being a lot more fucking honest about what you really need or want, I don't know. You can't be honest anymore.

I've definitely, so okay. Make more money. I don't know. You can't be honest anymore. I've definitely, uh, so, okay. Make more money. That's my tip. Whatever you're doing, make, do better at what you're doing. Oh, that's going to take years though. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, man. I don't know. I got no, I got no tips today. I don't know what to tell you. How about you, Sean? This is just the mug that kills him. The mug? The mug? Your face? Oh, my face?

Yeah, the mug. Let's talk about you. No, the mug. Your mug. Your face. The mug? Guess what the kids call face. No, I know.

I didn't know he was talking about me. I didn't know he was talking about me. I didn't know he was talking about me. All right, here we go. I like ladies with state-linked games and a nice mug. Hello. Hey, is this Damien? That's it.

All right, buddy, you're gonna be the first contestant in the Rageboard, the Rage Lottery, to what makes you a Rage Lottery. Are you ready for this? Yeah, hell yeah. Okay, I'm gonna count you down, and then you got your 69 seconds. If you wanna take more, you by all means, power through it.

All right, buddy, ready? Yep. You got 69 seconds, and what makes you a rage? Go! Alright, what makes me a rage is dried ketchup on the lid. Okay, so imagine as you wake up and you're half hung over, you're half drunk, it's been a long night. I don't have to imagine that. You can still fill the alcohol sloshing around in your stomach from the night before so you got You got to get something in there to To soak up the remaining alcohol so so you can go about your day

so you hobble into the kitchen and and You don't you don't feel like fucking cooking anything because fuck that so You pop open the freezer you you search around in there, and you find a microwave corn dog. You get the high-class shit, state fair brand, not the bar-ass bowl-on-eat-ogs shit. So you pop that fucker in the microwave for 55 seconds,

and you count down, you count down with the heartbeats in the veins in your head until it's finished and then it finishes and you pull it out, it's steaming, it smells nice. You gotta put something on this. You're out of mustard, fuck, you gotta get mustard, fuck. So you grab the ketchup, all right? That's good.

That's time, what else you got? You got the ketchup. All right, that's good. That's time. What else did you cut? You grab the ketchup. Yeah. And you pop open the lid. And there's this dried, this reddish, brownish, sticky, flaky ketchup scab over the fucking lid. And you have to, you have to, at this point you can either wash it off

or you can get dried, catch up, scab, shettle over your fucking corn dog. And either way, your whole fucking morning's ruined, your angry, your drunk, your home over, your, and that's it. What do you do? What do you do? I don't know. You scrape it off.

You scrape it off as a lid. You can't get it all. You can't get it all. You have to take it over to the sink you scrape it off. You scrape it off as a lid. You can't get it all, you can't get it all. You have to take it over to the sink and wash it off in the warm water. You have to take the lid off of the ketchup bottle and wash it off physically. You know what you gotta do? You gotta be like my grandma

and just start shoveling handfuls of ketchup packets into your pocket at Wendy's. Ah, that's the only smart move. What do you, with your fancy pants, your bottle's a ketchup in the fridge? All right, buddy, that's time. Thank you for playing. We gotta get your competitor on the line.

All right, let's see how he does. All right, is this Blast Johnson? This is Blast Johnson. All right, Blast Johnson, you've heard the rules, right? I need to explain the rules again to you. I don't know, I watched the show. 69 seconds. You got 69 seconds, blast.

Are you ready? Let me give you a three. You're on the air right now. Say hi to Denzel and Sean if you care to. If you don't, if you don't particularly care to, you don't have to. I'm just saying the opportunity is available to you. Hey guys, I have a gun.

Hey, Dick. Hey, hey, hey. All right. So here you go. I'm going to give you a three, two, one. What makes you a rage? Go. Okay. So here you go. I'm going to give you a 3-2-1. What makes you a rage? Go.

Okay. What makes me a rage is when coworkers talk about their kids at work when you're trying to just do your fucking job. They come up to you, they corner you at your job, and they just start talking about their stupid kids, and they pull out their phone to show you some pictures, and you immediately don't care. They should be able to tell'll immediately don't care they they should be able to tell that you don't care that you have to read the room

you just don't and they start talking about the kids in significant achievements and they expect a response from you but that's a worse part you can possibly relate to anything that they're talking about and i'm not a dad they know that i'm not a dad but they want me to get excited about the fact that their kids rule picture or gotten a in school and you just can't possibly care and for me

if i'm talking about anything like it doesn't matter if it's your kid it doesn't matter if it's an eight year old if what he said is unremarkable coming from my mouth talking about myself it's not something to bring up at work, and the problem is first time parents, they put everything they have into being friends, and then they erode their personality completely, to the point where they don't have anything about themselves to talk about.

It's time, that's time, my friend. I mean, it's the people, they just have a bunch of idle time at work to kill. This is what I'm talking about. All this bullshit goes away if you just say, hey, you don't have to come in on Friday. So for everybody who wants to tell stories about their kids, you guys come in on Friday, mill around in the parking lot, have like a work themed tailgate party where you talk to each other about your fucking condo Fees being too high and your kids are doing nothing and how much your wife rides your aunt and that you're building a fence in your backyard Or whatever stupid shit that you're trying to talk about or where you want to go or some article you saw or politics for God's

Sex politics in the workplace you guys all come in on Fridays and have a work theme tailgate and everybody else who has Something to do and who is probably the ones getting stuff done at work in the first place you can go home Yeah, just don't make it my problem. I just want to get back to work But you can't tell these people to shut up because they're talking with their precious kids. No, I know and I'm guilty of that too I talk about I'm in after you all the time I talk about my nephew so much that and I know it pisses my life Can you possibly talk about him though? all the time. I talk about my nephew so much that, and I know it pisses my life. How much can you possibly talk about him though? He's always doing funny stuff, man. Like, he's always doing funny stuff.

He's making jokes. He's making, like, me and him were taking a Christmas picture at my parent's house. You have to do it to me right now. I know, I know, I'm doing it to everybody because I think it's a funny story. You don't realize what news. I know and everybody's looking down now. Sean's looking at pro tools. Dan Zell's checking his phone.

Blast Johnson's probably the thing. You're one of the fuck that I call out of the show. I'm telling a story where I net view, but I told him, hey dude, he's almost, he's four. And my mom's taking the nice Christmas picture. I said, hey, let's make Muppet faces. Like Muppet smiles like this. When you open your mouth really wide

and pretend to be a muppet smiling, so he's like, oh yeah, he's giving me this look like, yeah, is that, why would I do that? Oh my God, just trust, trust, just do it. So I do it and he does it in the first picture and my mom and my sister start flipping out the, no, don't just, don't listen to Uncle, don't do that and he's like, ah, getting a lot of attention now.

So then every single picture, we've got like six pictures in a row where he's kind of sideways eyeballing me and has this fucking, it's making a normal smile, but then as soon as they're about to take the picture he goes, ah, and opens his mouth like an asshole. And I'm doing the same thing. We got five of those pictures.

Yeah, I apologize. I'm sorry that I just told you that story. Thanks for calling, Blast. You got a lot of that half of that. Yeah, good. All right, Good luck on the board, asshole. Hey, ladies, you'll be right down. I'm in. I'm in.

I'm in. It's good that you're proud of your kid and that you, you think he's doing well and you're encouraging him, but too many people's kids are special. He's not extraordinary. He's not the best in his age group in the state. I think when Wayne Gretzky was a 10-year-old, he scored 378 goals in a season. That's exceptional. That's not an exaggeration. It was something stupid like that. It was. Wow. Yeah. Okay. That kid was the best.

But you know, these kids playing like whatever, you know, they start thinking that the kids are going to go pro and you're like, he just, he just learned not to piss himself. That's great. He can hit a ball off a tee, but it's cool. But you got to realize that not everybody cares as much as you do. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, I certainly don't plan on having children, so it's easy for me to say, like,

I'll fuck them in their kids, I don't wanna hear anything about that, but I'm sure if I had kids, I'd feel differently. Yeah. Well, you should. Yeah. And, you know, or feel differently about their stories about their kids.

Oh, yeah, it could be. You can relate. Yeah, it's like, I'm a parent too. Oh, that makes me, I wish my son wasn't a piece of shit. But then you become an asshole, because you're like, yeah, we're in the club. Hey, you wanna hear the story about how my son shit on me that one time?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, yep, yep. Oh, man, I got it. Then somebody, I'll try to one up, yeah. Yeah. my kid shit on me. He shits on me once a week What do you got call my wife? Why isn't my kid shitting on me more? Yeah, honey I think I think my goal if Is to find some like six-foot-toe woman. Yeah, make a little make an athlete. Yeah, exactly Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

So now you want kids. No, no, no. I'm saying worst case scenario if I do have kids. Because like what are kids other than like an insurance policy for the future? Guys, I don't want to interrupt your DIY homebrew eugenics conversation. But our news, our news baby's back. Lacey, Lacey, loony I call her, but I think she prefers to go by Lacey and Nicole.

Lacey, are you here? Danielle, get your beautiful chocolate self off of the frame for a moment. We're giving Lacey your cheer. Sorry, I fucked up. Didn't bring an extra pair of cans. Oh, yeah. You fucked up, all right. Lacey, welcome back to the show.

Thank you for having me back. So excited. So what should I be calling you as your, as what's your name? What's your full name that you wanna go by, that you wanna be credited by? Lacey Nicole. Lacey Nicole, all right.

Lacey Nicole, welcome back to the program. I've never gotten so many just pure compliments about a guest on this show. Really? That's never, usually it's like, is every episode gonna be with this fucking guy or what? But this one people are actually asking like, okay, when's Lacey coming back?

Just kind of a really great, beautiful voice. Looked good on camera, looks better than Sean. That was really nice. Welcome back to the show. I hope you brought it. Oh, did you? Yeah. Met a couple of cool new people on Instagram, Snapchat.

Is that true? Yeah. No dick shots were sent to me, so I was pretty much about that. Yeah. It's a classy audience, this shit. I caught the audience slipping. You know, dick pics?

What do they send you as an opening line? Because as someone who's tried to hit on many women over Snapchat or Instagram or whatever, it's always, I send out those first lines, and I think there's a zero percent chance of hearing anything back. They're just like messages in a bottle. or whatever, it's always, I send out those first lines and I think there's a zero percent chance of hearing anything back. They're just like messages in a bottle.

Like everyone is more demeaning to me and my personhood is the last. I just write kind of whatever and eventually they just turn into just gibberish where I'm just typing and tossing them out, thinking well, maybe they'll just see a bunch of garbage and get confused and right back like, is this real or what?

And I'm like, oh yes, there's the opening. Hold on. We got to get that pop filter out of her face. Yeah. Well, Sean, why don't you help her out? I'm going to. So interesting. Look at that.

I don't want to mess anything up. You can't mess anything up here. It's already fucked. Oh, yeah. You might not have said no dick pics. You might not have wanted to say. Are they going gonna start coming? No.

Oh, no. You guys are so excited. How do you feel about dick pics? I hate dick pics. I've never seen a dick pic that I liked. Not even from a guy that you're dating? No. You've never been like, hey, dude, send me, let me see that John.

I mean, I've definitely played a long with it and just went along with it, but when I got it, I'd put it right down immediately. Like, put it right down. There's never been a good dick pick that I've ever come across. Hmm. We're to the wise. We're to the wise. There's somebody. Definitely.

Sorry, what's that? They're funny dick picks. Funny dick picks. Yes. For the antlers and a snowman hat on the dick, it gives you a little chuckle. I've sent that to somebody before. Yeah, the facts. On Snapchat, you can do a little bit of a drawing.

Yeah. And a woman requested the dick picture. Yeah. And like, it's bland. Like, you take a picture of your dick and there's not much else going on. So of course. Please, spice it up.

Yeah. I gave it a little top hat in a monocle. A little arm with a cane. What about that? It's like Mr. Pagina. Yeah, based. I mean, it wouldn't get me turned on or anything, but I would think it'd be pretty good.

No, that's the, it's, yeah, but I think like there's a, there's a very thin line between of turning a woman on and like making her laugh, right? Like there's kind of, I feel like they're the same in a lot of turning a woman on and making her laugh. Right? Like, there's kind of, I feel like they're the same in a lot of ways. And maybe a penis with a funny little hat on it as Denzel is describing. That's half way there.

Were you guys in the middle of sexting when this happened? Yeah, she had sent me a photo of herself and she wanted something in return. And so the first photo that I sent was just like a parody of the photo. You know, the girl standing in the mirror and you take pictures and you're like, and she's like, no, send me a picture of your dick.

And I'm just like, so I just drew up and took this girl. Where did you meet this girl? Tinder. Are you sure it was a girl? I could have not been. Could have been a guy. Yeah, could have been. And so he's got a

suit. He's got a sweet dick pic. Yeah. Wait, did you guys ever end up like meeting up or anything? Yeah, we did. Was that the girl that you were talking about earlier? No, different girls. This was when I was living up here in Valley Village, met a nice lady via Tinder back when I had hopes for the web dating world. Yeah, no, no. Lacey, do you do any web dating Tinder? No, I've never been on any social media like dating app. All my friends do it and all of their stories just have completely turned me on.

The world, the world is just so different to beautiful women. Like, I just can't, I can't, it cannot be understated. That you do not have to. You're not friends are like beautiful and everything they all go for it too. So I, they're on Tinder. Yeah. What are they doing there? Looking for hookups.

Oh, I don't know. Denzel, get in there. What could it, so what is a guy have to send these girls on Tinder or whatever to get a response? That was my original question. Basically, I think it's just ask them out to dinner. That's what's kind of.

You know, I'll just take their numbers instead. That's so. Often, if you like text a bank statements. Yeah, I'll just send them pictures of my bank statements. It'll be fine. Off the bat, I'm saying. What is the best way to get a response? To get a response on Snapchat or dating?

Anything, anything, anything. Oh my gosh. I just feel it. We're just trying to crack the hot girl's eyes. It's hitter news. I know, it's best response. Something's weird. Is there a time? Someone actually recently hit me up and they said,

howdy, and I'm like from the country, and so it kind of spoke to him a little bit. And I was like, I can appreciate a howdy, yeah. Yeah, okay. I'm very worried. You're getting it right. No, it's just, yeah. It's just because it was familiar.

Yeah, it just seems like an odd way to talk to anyone. Oh, howdy. That's why it's so important. And then part of you like passing someone going into a diner You know like howdy you're gonna get so many pictures of dudes cocks with like Like Howdy Great idea. I should have done that. Lazy guys some news for us I got some news so in case you guys were all suffering still

from food comas, Fidel Castro died yesterday. Yeah, well, he did. Yeah, my friend actually described him as the cigar fishing auto who spent an entire lifetime banging big booty chicks while in the meantime, oppressing people of his country. So I was wondering if you guys thought

that he was still up into his death banging big booty chicks. No. No. I doubt he could even stand up. I bet he was shitting in the diapers for the last five years. You think he's like Elvis? Yeah.

We just had all the fame in the world and all the fatness that money could buy. And he's just having women get in better than him and pretend to be his mom in his last couple of years. Oh, man. that's too bad. Like Castro just has women dressed up, big phab will men dressed up like the Statue of Liberty

and they come in and just lie in bed with him. Yeah. I think that's what happens to guys when they get that old and that rich and that out of touch. Yeah. The insanity and the self-loathing really just manifests in weird sexual deviancy. Yeah.

I don't think so either. You think he was banging big booty prawns? Oh, Castro. No, he had to give up, you know what it took for him to like give up power to his brother. I think Denzel's right. I think it was, yeah, I think he was shitting in diapers. You know, diapers five years ago. But did they have diapers in Cuba?

Um, you know, he's, maybe you shouldn't have figgly for something like that. I don't know. I'm pretty sure he could get things from the outside. He had just taken old T-shirt. Rules didn't apply to him. No, gildin T-shirt. Well, that's what gildin T-shirt is. That's how good it is.

Good for. Shitting in. See, the T-shirt has nice high quality. Look at the shirt. High quality, right? Great. Form fitting fashion, forward T-shirt. This is a next level, a parallel T-shirt.

You get a gildin shirt on a guy. First of all, it feels like steel wool. It feels like, it feels like the little, the fabric softening pads. Guy I used to work with, I had a podcast with, his online store is full of these shit quality gildin shirts that he's trying to fuck fans over with. It would be durable though, right?

No, they're not even durable. That's the thing. It's just the cheapest, shitdest quality that you can make. I mean, durable. This thing is durable. This is cool. Look at how much bull shit is holding in right now. Look at how many muscles and musculature and NO2 that this shirt is currently containing.

That's a high quality shirt. Gildon Castro probably wrapped his nethers with them and then shitting them because it's all the good boy. That's what I's a high quality shirt. Gildon Castro probably wrapped his nethers with them and then shitting them because it's all their good boy. That's what I'm saying. Okay, what's next? I've never got Gildon as a sponsor. I mean, just, would you want a sponsor that shirt? I've never heard of them.

Right. Through to the loom. Just when you're going and building your store, you pick the option of what's the cheapest t-shirt to get. So you have to pay, so you can increase profit margins the most. Well, yeah, I understand. Like you can pick a good shirt and give people good quality merchandise or you could just pick the lowest.

That's what I'm saying. So if you see Gilden on there, someone has picked the lowest quality. I see. For what, to make a couple extra bucks? I mean, it's Christmas. It's not the season to be nailing people and ringing the last bits of cash out of them, is it? That's not what Christmas is about.

I think it is. I think it is. It's tis the season. Well, did Dick show fuck Christmas? We do things in different way. Okay, so here we go. Yes, this is what happens with the news. I'm just curious.

For all you parents out there, listen up because lying to your children about Santa may cause them to distrust you. Oh, yeah, oh no, great. So a new UK report suggests that this may affect their moral beliefs growing up, most children are told that lying is wrong and then telling the truth is right. So how could lying to them for years

about Santa be beneficial? How do you feel? Were you guys lied to about Santa? Like when did you figure out that he was a little? It's a positive thing to lie about Santa at least up to a certain point. Because it keeps him in line. Exactly.

It's like, yo, this mystery man that you've never met and you can never contact except for sending him a stupid little crayon written letter, he'll do something nice for you at the end of the year if you're good. Yeah, he's like the children's version of God. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Like I love the audacity of people are like,

well, don't lie to your kids about Santa. He's like, motherfucker, what do you believe? Like what do you think there's a spirit of giving at all? Do you think that there's any kind of like a special connection between you and the spiritual world that you're not actively believing in every fucking day. First of all, that, secondly, why are you telling your kids not to lie? Why don't you just cut their legs off?

While you're making them, like, while you're lessening their ability to succeed in the world, what a fucker you tell them to tell the truth. That is as bad inclination in the everyday person, like the need to tell the truth is a poison that should be stamped down. What's basically the only hurt you, it's because they're involved.

Trait, go. They want the kids to tell the truth to them. To them, yeah. But they don't say that. They say you gotta tell the truth. It should be, hey, tell the truth only when it benefits you. Otherwise, just fucking rail people. You gotta get, that's what Santa would do.

What would Santa do? Probably lie. I didn't think that went all the way through. Look, the need to tell the truth is the same instinct you have that also makes you want to maim toward your raping. Like, it's all part of this bad part of you that you need to squish down. That's all I'm saying. That's all. it's all part of this bad part of you that you need to squish down.

That's all I'm saying. That's all. That's all I'm saying. As you say, look, dummy, we told you so you would write down what you wanted for Christmas on a piece of paper. I say, a lot of shit to do all day. So we told you about this dumb fat asshole that makes no sense. First of all, it's on you if you thought that any of that made sense.

My nephew is watching, he's watching all these Christmas movies, Polar Express, Ice Age, Christmas, Shitball, Meltdown, because Ice Age sucks. You know that movie? Animation sucks. Everything about it sucks. Right, which movie? Ice Age. Oh, Ice Age. Isn't it seem cheap and shitty to you? I love that little squirrel that runs around after the night. Scratch? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that guy too. But the rest of it. Carbage. Yeah. The only reason I know that's Jones Ford is a big of it, garbage. Yeah, the only reason I know that Jones Ford is a big fan of I see a scratch, scratch specifically. The rest just seems like dogs should be anyway. Every single one of these movies is about somebody not believing in Santa.

And I'm sitting here with this kid watching these movies thinking, is he picking up that like the kids that they don't believe like polar expression, you know, my little motherfucker doesn't believe in Santa. I think it gets abducted by a digital cyber demon. You don't see that much. That's what happens. And then at the end of the movie, he believes in Santa. But I'm like, isn't telling him that there's a possibility to not believe kind of planting that matrix-style seed

in his head that he could reject at any moment? Like, that's definitely, that's not lying. That's trolling. If you give them the ability to reject this huge falsified definitely, that's not lying. That's trolling. If you give them the ability to reject this huge falsified lie, that's on them. Totally. That's all I'm saying. Do you remember when you found out that Santa wasn't real?

No, I remember finding out that the tooth fairy wasn't real. Oh yeah. Yeah, because I suspected it. I remember like, you know the beginning of your life when you're kind of snapping out of that haze and like becoming who you are or at least who that, like everybody, you kind of go through life and it feels like you are this set of memories that kind of starts in this tiny little

timeline and as you get older, the timeline, you lose bits at the back but the front grows faster. So then by the time you're as old as you get, like the timeline, you lose bits at the back, but the front grows faster. So then by the time you're as old as you get, like that's who you are. That's a great way to put it. Yeah, that's a great way to show the timeline of your life. But this person at the end, these memories that you have is a different guy than this guy, like at the beginning.

And I remember being this guy, when your memories are like this frantic collection of like, oh my God, what the fuck am I doing? Every day is like a panic and a fresh hell. I remember waking up and seeing money under my pillow and thinking like, you know, maybe that this is bullshit. Maybe this whole tooth fairy thing is like bullshit because I've seen this money before

and it's all crumpled up. I remember that it was all crumply and shitty. And like, well, this looks like it was in somebody's fucking wallet. Like, where did the tooth, was the tooth fairy the store and they got this crumply crappy dollar bill? Like, where the hell, where did this come from? I was like, this looks like it came out of fucking

Dad's wallet. Right, after it's been through the wash. Yeah, like, this is, give me a fucking break. I don't remember when I found, so I took it, oh there's more, I took it, and I woke up before everybody else, and I took the dollar, and I snuck it back in with the rest of the money,

and then I woke up the next morning, when my mom's like, oh, Dick, did you, did the tooth fairy come? And I said, no. And she goes, uh, really? And I was like, yeah. What a bitch, right? So I woke up the next day. I woke up the next day.

And I found that same dollar. I knew it was the same dollar. Remember that dollar was the same dollar. Yeah, and I said, oh, fucking bullshit. Oh, yeah. What a, and then I kept it a secret to myself because I knew I could get more money out of it. So I never told anybody what happened.

I was like, all right, at least I know for my own good, but I'm gonna keep playing up the angle. So I get the cash, you understand? Always lie. That I turned their own, I turned their lie on them. Anyway, I don't remember when I found out the tooth fairy wasn't real,

but I do remember after some time when I would lose a tooth, I would just go directly to my mom. I'd say fork it over. Yeah. Yeah, exactly what would happen. What did you say to your head? Should be like, oh, cool, here's two bucks.

Yeah, it's just I just cut out the middle imaginary character. Yeah, I do that, that used to happen. Oh, how about you, Denzel? I have an older sister, so she would just run things for me. Yeah, really? That's how I think I found out Santa was it. I have an older sister, so she would just run things for me. Yeah, really. That's how I think I found out Santa was, I think it was like a cousin. I'm really something.

Some older asshole in the family. Seeing the closet isn't real. Two fairies not real. The Easter bunny's not real. And where they now? Crushing me. My sister? Yeah.

She lives in LA in Dominguez Hills. You should go tell her social security's now for you. That's it. All right. All right, all right. What about you, Lacey? How did you find out? I found out after a school assembly,

or Christmas assembly, we all had to go sit on Santa and tell him what he wanted or whatever. And I pulled down on his beard when it was fake, obviously. Everything on the floor for that. You weren't told that was one of Santa's helpers. They tried. Oh, I thought that's what that was. I was like, oh, I wasn't going to worry.

And then I wrote, my little brother's life by telling him, so you're a terrible person. You ruined it for the whole school then. Wow, cool. It was just a little tug. Oh, just check, keep them honest. They couldn't get a Santa with a beard for you guys.

Right. Yeah. You would think I'm from a really small town. So there are so many Santa Claus like, Powers organ actually. Powers organ. I don't think we fell in that last time. No, we didn't. No.

Middle and nowhere, there's really not much to say about it. Man, I grew up with like seven kids in my class. I'll tell you the wow. Good schooling. Yeah, exactly. You. I'll tell you the world. Hey, good schooling. Yeah, exactly. You're the great focus of the teacher and get the attention. I was in Calculus when I was a freshman, so there you go.

No shit, you got a chance. So why? I'll check into math. Right. Right. Definitely. Talk about attention. All right, what I'm doing.

Don't trick, don't trick, don't trick, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything. Don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick anything, don't trick, don't trick anything, don't trick anything. Don't trick anything, Tensville gives you. I don't need the context. I think they still could advice. It's a good group. All right, so next up, Rosie O'Donnell recently came under fire for hinting that Baron Hilton has autism. Oh yeah.

He hasn't seen, read anything about that. So was it hinting? That was it. He went to the opening and he heard like, no, she just flat out said like, I think he has that. That was a hinting. That was a hinting. Very, very, very, like, is, no, she just flat out said, like, I think he has autism. Oh, well, Baron Hilton. Baron Trump. Baron Trump.

Oh, so sorry. Baron Trump. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah It's purely serious. It's not funny anymore, is it? Last time you were, not funny anymore, is it? No.

See, it hasn't been funny for a year. You came in here, flaunting all your, I'm with her nonsense last time, now. I ate my words, it was the first thing that I thought about. You're the government now. That's so funny getting more. Uh, yeah, Rosie called Baron Trump autistic. It's not even like a bad thing. Like Elon Musk might be autistic.

Look what he's done. Yeah. You got the powers of the autism. Yeah. So her business. I hope he is. I hope he's in there all day, like scanning codes and memes and picking the funniest memes for his dad and beating ISIS like a fucking computer man

Or turning a talk a truck over and spinning the wheels for hours Maybe it's doing that too. Yeah, I don't know There's a whole there's just a Universe of fun for Baron what he could be up to behind Does anybody come in Rosie O'Donnell is like a despicable human being, but like does anybody come in? Does anybody care? Does anybody care?

Does anybody care? She called Baron Trump Autistic? No, no, I don't. I mean, it's getting a lot of heat. People are really? Yeah, just because. I'm very surprised. Because it's ableism, I think.

It's an ableist slur to just point it's ableism, I think it's it's Enablest slur to just point out somebody and say hey, you might be autistic Even use the word crazy Think like a lot of things. It's like the thought policing language. That's like when you who got called gay And they were gonna sue them, but then they're like well, why is it bad and the celebrity goes damn it? suit them, but then they're like, well, why is it bad? And the celebrity goes, damn it. Like Donald Trump. You got me. No, I think it was.

I think it was just like Tom Cruise or somebody. Somebody called him gay and he's like, well, I'm going to sue your shit for that. They're like, why? Why is it a slur? Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's supposed to be okay with that.

Shit. Yeah. Her basis for these claims, though, is her daughter, her three-year-old daughter, was just recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. And so she's seen behavioral patterns that are similar to parents is her daughter, her three year old daughter, was just recently diagnosed with high functioning autism. And so she's seen behavioral patterns that are similar to parents in her daughter. I love Baron on the concession night speech.

Watching poor Baron up at three in the morning in his suit and tie standing behind his dad and trying not to pass out as he's sitting, like doing all the tricks, you know, all the stay awake tricks that you know, like the stifled yawn, like, then you can see the tears coming to his eyes and he's like, oh fuck, please don't,

please don't pass out on TV, please don't pass out on TV. Like he's just blinking over and over to try to stay awake. My man texted me like, oh my God, I'm totally there with Baron in the stages of sleep that, sleep that pervades, then he's gone to, I was like, me too, dude my God, I'm totally there with Baron in the stages of sleep that slipped up her veins and he's gone to me too, dude.

Just watching this poor kid, like, please don't pass out. That would be so, that would suck for you for the rest of your life. And then just him and Hillary passed out on the campaign trail. Yeah, he could thrown into a van just like Hillary and chucked in. All right. Is that all? We'll have one more news update that you guys will find in in the state.

Did you hear about the CNN porn scare? Porn scare? Yes. No, God, please. This is good. So on Thanksgiving, a Twitter account called S-Like Arrows from Boston tweeted an image of CNN broadcasting porn instead of its regular scheduling program, Anthony Bourdain's parts unknown. Yeah. of CNN broadcasting porn instead of its regular scheduling program, Anthony Bourdain's Parts Unknown.

Yeah. It was like a gendered porn. Right, our porn. Our porn transgendered porn. Parts Unknown. Yeah. That's funny. It is hilarious.

So first the independent wrote a story about it and then clearly without any questions, like they didn't go to the CNN, they didn't go to the RCN. Yeah. There's no vetting anymore. No, definitely not. Yeah, there's no vetting anymore. No, definitely not. No, no, no. And then the drug report picked it up, Mashable, the New York Post, Daily Mail, Esquire,

and just spread like wildfire. And so far, CNN is putting the blame on the cable network. Sure. The cable network doesn't have any. Like that, man. It's fucking chaos and fault it is, you idiots. You're an intransgendered porn for half hour on Thanksgiving.

I'm an Anthony fucking board day in show. Who no one cares his fault it is. No one cares. No one cares. I'm like, red that statement too. I go, oh, it was their fault. Oh my, well, you're totally off the hook then. This was a CNN affiliate.

It was our cable provider, it Boston cable. Oh, so in Boston. Yeah, it was. Maybe it was a lot of trust. It was not surprised anyone complained. Wait, it was transgender though. Yeah, they, okay, they would complain. They would complain.

They would complain. Yeah. Wow. So nothing nominal. I love that. I love that. That can still happen in this day and age. Yeah, yeah, me too. Yeah, me too. It's hilarious. I wish it would happen more. I like anything that causes trouble

It's fun All right, is that that was your last one? Okay, what makes you a rage? We didn't get to that last time But I want to I want to put you on the rage board properly properly What makes you rage this week? I am raging about California drivers in the rain I'm for Oregon, the Great Northwest. Rain's about 60% of the year. And people down here just don't know how to drive. Like literally driving here, I flipped off somebody

for three blocks straight because they come here. Sorry, you flipped someone off for three blocks straight. I have a little bit of a road rage problem. Okay, are you a road rage? Flippering blocks? What did this person look rage? Living right there, you've blocked. What did this person look like? Oh my God, he's just this little guy. I felt kind of bad after when I was doing it.

I was just a little old man, but he's just. Were you screaming at him too? No, no, no. I don't get like bad guys. You just pop it up and sit it there like an ornament. I just sitting, yeah. There you go, buddy. What do you think of that?

Did he see you? Did he look in your eyes? Yeah, completely. You're like, I'm going to take see you? Did he look in your eyes? Yeah, completely. Direct eye contact. Yeah. I've said this, I was, I'm from here. And it's amazing. It's exactly what you say.

You see it, as soon as a drop of water hits the windshield, people lose 50 IQ points. Yeah. It's incredible. As soon as the windshield wipers come on, it removes their ability to drive completely. I've seen people drive batshit crazy, but most people drive about half the speed. And it's like, if your tires are okay, don't

worry about it. That's what they're for. That's what the grooves in the fucking days are for. Well, okay, Sean, but I've wrecked two cars in the rain. Yes, you have. Yeah. What are you doing to do that? Yeah, good question. Good question actually. Well, the first time I was pretending that I was Indiana Jones, I was listening to an Indiana Jones soundtrack and driving like an asshole. And the second time I was just doing donuts, trying to test the ability of my car tires with my life coach, spinning around,

having a little bit of fun in the rain. Okay, yeah, yeah. The rain, yeah. Spinning donuts in the rain. In the rain. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah. Spinning donuts in the rain. Yeah. Because that's safe. Definitely we saw a semi truck facing the opposite direction of the freeway on my way

up here. Just on, I'm coming north and it's facing south and it's just like half of its carriages in the freeway. Oh. That was tight. A guy. Hey, plus him. Great driving. and it's just like half of its carriages in the freeway. I was tight, a guy, a plus to him, great driving. All right, well, thank you for bringing the news in. Feel free to stick around. I don't know if you've got a hot girl party to go to

and then to go get pictures taken of yourself or something somewhere, but feel free to hang out with the losers and listen to voicemails. Love to chill. Yeah, just go ahead. I've got a bunch of, gosh, I got a bunch of guys to go through. Oh, this is really cool. This guy sent, do you know what a, um, go ahead. Tell me what color these shorts are.

I wouldn't love to. Sammon. Thank you. Thank you, Denzel. I'm wearing Sammon shorts. Did you tell her that on the way up here? No, that's better than that. No, that's better than that.

16 colors you engineering asshole. These are same in shorts that I'm wearing. I have pink shorts. I have pink shorts that I can't wear half of my underwear with because they're so short. Okay, right, technically right. It's a shade of pink. Okay. That's called Sammon. It's a shade of pink. Okay.

That's called salmon. That's not fucking cold pink. Get off of my shorts. It looks like pink to me. I mean, I thought salmon was like an orangeish pinkish color. Maybe I'm colorblind because that looks like hot pink to me. Nothing like a black man's any colorblind. This is what I've the right in our face.

This dude sent me a Tesla coil version of the song. I'm trying to fucking find, oh, okay, let me get to these. Okay, no, no, I really fucked up because Lacey's staying and I don't have another pair of cans for Denzel. Matson, you did really fuck out. I did, I did. I always have my cans in my bag too. Hey, I can hand them over.

And I don't worry about it. You're all good. Okay, so a bunch of, Lazy, I don't know if you know this, if you listen to the show, but the show hit a million downloads. I was going to congratulate you guys. I saw that. Oh, thank you so much. It's what Sean works on many other podcasts, and this is the only one that has a million downloads. Isn't that awesome? I think it's great. I saw you big, so I called in. I saw some celebrities have called in to congratulate me on the accomplishment.

Here, I'll play these are celebrities now. The assignment was to call in as celebrities to the show So here they are some celebrities you might have heard of before Salutations dickoless. It is I am per Palpatine congratulating you on a million downloads Soon we will have honest enough raid to rule the galaxy Oh, sorry, I fell asleep. It's something us huge evil losers do all the time. This Bernie Sanders, temper palpitating. I will erect the biggest paywall in the universe. What? I gotta get more sleep. This is what happens when you're not here by the way. Yeah, all right. Here's another celebrity

Call me I should have been playing these the whole time Dick this is Lena Dunham. I figured since I'm leaving Paul Ryan a bunch of whiny voice Mills about the election because I'm a sore loser. Why not you two? So congratulations on your one million downloads you horrible. Mean, bad, bad man. If everyone hadn't already seen it 100 times on HBO already, I'd send you an angry photo of my gross, weird pussy. But you'll excuse me. I gotta go play Doctor with my little sister

and then brag about it in my memoirs with zero repercussions. Fuck you, dick. Ha, ha, dick. Ha ha. Alright. Duh. Angry phone, hang up. Angry, angry, angry woman. Oh, this is a guy you might have heard of before.

Guten Tag, my dear friend, dick. This is literally Hitler. Literally Hitler. Thank you for all your generous donations to my Patreon. Oh, and also to congratulate you on one million downloads. Not to brag, but that's only one-sixth of the people I killed, but don't worry, mind-buddy, you'll get there one day! Ha-ha! Well, are we to say?

That's a sound effect. They all have the same phone. Yeah, they do. They sound good, they sound crisp. Yeah. They all have the same phone. Yeah, they do. They sound good, they sound crisp. Yeah. Hello, Tick. This is the new first lady, Malania Trump. Oh, wow. One thing's of wishing you the Happy Million Downloads.

All right. To celebrate, I just have one thing to deliver a speech I wrote with my own words and thoughts. Oh, boy. Certain as the sun rising in the east. Rotten. Tail as old as time. Song as old as rhyme.

Wow. Beauty and the Beast. Do not know that. Okay, see, I wrote that. Me, Malania. I got it. That's the vlog stick. Goodbye.

I don't know. Asterio said a woman had his disposal. They're making comedy content. That's great. All right. Let's mix some of these in with the rest of the show. I like, I should have been doing it the whole time. Let's see.

What's up, buddy? Oh, no, just waiting for my face. Oh, yeah. Okay. Dave Gamble has made the theme song for this show on a Tesla coil. That's hard to play with that. I'm going to see if I can show you guys that. You know what a Tesla coil. That's hard to play with that. I'm gonna see if I can show you guys that. You know what a Tesla coil is?

I do. It's this big machine that makes lightning bolts. I can't fool him. And if you program it properly, it shoots the lightning bolts out and they perturb the air, they melt the air into a plasma and that frequency can be made into a note. It's like a mad scientist version of just a speaker, which moves and moves the air. This just evaporates, it turns it into a goo. Let me load this up. So, yeah, so the zaps will be different notes.

Yeah. Pretty fucking cool, if you ask me. Well, we'll see. ["Lightning Boulds"] So all that sound is coming out of the air. That's awesome. ["Lightning Boulds"] It's just, the dude has a lightning machine. And he's using the lightning bolt sends that...

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM! This is like, little mini lightning bolts that are making the song. That is so fucking cool, man. I could watch it all day. Like, I've already watched it a hundred times, it's hypnotizing. Alright. Where's that installed out? He's in prison. So he's in... out? He's in prison. So he's no, he's in a

lot of material. He's in a secure installation. Don't worry about that guy. I don't know where he is. He's He's somewhere between LA and New York somewhere in America. That's good. Oh, you see what else I got I had a bunch of hot guys, but I don't care. I'm having a good day. Oh God wrote back. You remember how I said I prayed to God when it looked like Trump was going to lose Florida? Yeah. And I said, I told God I'll do anything, but like you got to tell me what to do. I'm not going to fill in the blank.

Have we ever heard from him before? And I don't think so. This is God's God responded. He gets a lot of email. Hello, dick. I'm God. This is how I talk in accordance with our deal. You have one thing to fulfill or else the protests will convince the

electoral college to all become cucks and overhilarious have Sean read the next erotic story from real men that you bring in and also tell them how his name is spelled all the best God. I didn't think it was God, but it's I'm it's from I'm God, and this is how I talk. It's emailed that time. Okay. Sounds legit. I mean, are you willing to do that? Has it been verified? Well, what do you make it to?

It's, I prayed to God, and then this email arrived. So what else do you want? You're a Mr. Knit Pick, everything now. Good enough for me. Are you willing to read an erotic story next time? I bring one. Yeah, sure. All right, I don't know. I don't want you to get, you know, they start getting a little graphic. I don't want you to put your personal and professional

reputation on the line. I'm not a chlamydia one. I got it. Oh, God. That was awful. Let's see. Somebody made a, uh, speaking of the bonus episodes, I don't know if I was, but speaking of them now, somebody said that the three beers I was talking about, the thing that may, I think everything is better in three beers. Makes you sharper, makes you smarter, makes you funnier, four beers too many, two beers, not enough. Somebody said that's called the Bulmer Peak. And there's been a study about it that they took a bunch of dudes and they got half of them drunk on .07. They got them up to .075.

So just below the legal limit in most states. Yeah, just below just below the legal limit to drive. And they gave them questions like math questions. It took the drunk men 11 seconds to answer the question, whereas the non-drunk man needed 15 seconds. Interesting. And both groups had comparable results on a similar exam before the alcohol was consumed. So three beers were their answers correct though or they just spout and off stuff? Oh, they didn't check. Yeah.

They just finished. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, themselves. They're like, wait a minute, I think I have to do it in this order, or I think, it's the liquor. You gotta let the liquor do the thinking. Always.

Three beers, it makes you more confident. We talked about it in the bonus episode. I had four beers in the bonus episode and rode my nephew's birthday party with a shitty magic show. Made everybody cry. Somebody's made a porn savers commercial, an infomercial.

I'll put that on the page. Got another bunch of bullshit, but let's just get to some voicemails. All right. Sorry, Denzel. What? Why? Because you can't hear shit.

Oh, no, don't worry about it. Oh, yeah. You want to huddle in with me on this? It's all good. Come on, come on. Okay, hold me. Yeah. Well, if I was really America's wingman,

I would have told him to cuddle up with you, right? And send share, can you share laces? Oh, but I didn't, sorry buddy. I'm kind of really fucking bond you. And that. All right, everybody, this has been the Dixho, go to thedixho.com, go to patreon.com slash the Dixho. Check out the Dix store.

The Dixho store is now open for business for all your cyber Monday or cyber Tuesday or cyber Wednesday needs. All high quality merchandise, not shit merchandise that I wouldn't use to wipe my own ass with like, gildon shirts that are terrible and they're just people only use them to fuck you for money, to ring fans for money. That high quality shirts, high quality next level shirts. That's what you get to look for.

You got to ask for that. High quality shirts, no shit shirts at shop. Shop.toddictshow.com or shop E, SHO PPE. dot thedictshow. Lassie. dot com if you're nasty, if you're classy, there you go. See you next Tuesday. This cover is by Andrew Masteller. Thank you, Lacey, for joining us today. Love it.

Very cool. We're going to get one of these clone of Willis. You want one of these crack-clowning things? I don't know if somebody sent this to me, and we don't know what to do with it. My brother's name is Willis, so it caught me. I was like, wait a second. Oh, get him. Definitely get your brother a penis-molding device.

Sure, or a fiance. She might like it. We really don't know what to do with it. So you really can clone your cock with it? Yeah, so you make a gel, and then I guess you get an erection, and you put it into the gel and then put it in a separate air quotes. I don't know.

Well, Sean wants to see it. We all want to see it, but we don't know who's dick we want to see. That's the problem. I, in order to keep an erection for that long, I think you would need the shot that they give to paraplegics. But for how long? How long do you think it is? I don't know.

I don't know about this. My friend does porn and... You get to shot in his dick? Yeah. He keeps you erect for a fucking long time. He's a paraplegic one time. For like two, three hours. Whoa.

Yeah, it goes right into, I think the base. A good weiner? Yeah. Oh my God. Well, the dirty business. Is it paraplegic or he just knows this from being in the industry? Oh, he knows it from using it in the industry.

He's not a paraplegic. Oh, wow. Yeah. Like if you're not feeling up to it one day, you say, hey, give me Viagra or give me the shot and you just go out. He needs porn savers. He might be guaranteed to outlast a shot in your dick porn savers.

porn savers is this device I invented to improve your pornography experience. Yeah. You invented it? Yeah. it? Yeah. I invented it and released it to the world like Jonas Salk, who's here for polio. No licensing required. I really just, what do you think we should do with this thing? I think you should try it out. Try to clone Trump here. See, but if I clone my cock with this, I got to put, I don't feel comfortable putting a club rubber of my penis on the internet. I don't want my dick just floating around putting a rubber of my penis on the internet. I don't want my dick just floating around, a shot of my dick floating around the world.

What do you mean? I post topless for Playboy. Wasn't that big of a deal? Yeah. See, the difference is, people want to see that. They want to see this so they could just make fun of me for the rest of my life. Big difference.

It's big difference. All right, let's hear some voice notes. Nobody's gonna post topless for Playboy anymore, right? Didn't they do away with? They did away with all nude. Oh, so no. Still topless. The gin is.

Oh, it's even better. I'm gonna go into my subscription. No. No. Hey, Deb, hey Sean. So this is your boy, Kelly Kaye, and what makes me your rage around this time of year is these non-apology Mary Christmas people.

All right? Now, what I mean by that is these people that always go around and act like they're making such a bold statement when they say, I don't care who gets offended when I say Merry Christmas. I'm gonna say it and it just doesn't make any sense to me. You know, we've all been saying Merry Christmas for our whole lives and now all of a sudden, you know, because you try to include a few more people and everything. Everyone has to get all up in arms. And it's always these like middle aged women who seem to be the ones who say

Say it the most you know that they'll say Merry Christmas and they don't care who they have been and it's you almost are saying nothing just because It's such a statement we all agree with. It's like a politician saying I support the truth like well, yeah, I sure hope you do well Can we can anyway guys great show and Merry Christmas why not a Merry Christmas at the end? Why not a Merry Christmas at the end? That's what I'm gonna do all season long. It's gonna be Merry Christmas as aggressively as possible. Merry Christmas. Every time I go into Starbucks, Merry Christmas.

I'm not losing any ground in the war on Christmas, Sean. No, fought hard for that ground. Yeah. Somebody died for that ground. Yeah. A good man called Jesus. Perhaps you've heard of him. Yeah.

Merry Christmas. I forgot what all these voicemails are. Oh, here's've heard of him. Yeah. Merry Christmas. I forgot what all these voicemails are. Oh, here's one from Les Johnson. Hey, Les Johnson's calling in. Just wanna say congratulations to those who, I guess I was white. I am extremely white. So yeah, just for the record, what's his name?

He gets that was Irish. That's 50% that other dude he gets, that was the record what's his name? He gets that was Irish that's 50% that other dude He gets that was Italian that's 25% you got 25% left people all right, so yeah, I can't wait to hear your guesses now Also, I want to give a shout out to my three Patreons all right. You know who you are I Have three dollars in my fucking patreon. All right, you want to let the people know it's taken off. It's taken a fuck off. All right, my first five-month Patreon get to be part of my inner circle. All right, you get to be my own little personal

fucking cult. All right. Uh, just want to let you know. It's going to prison. By the way, the jail, I think, it's think a long time coming all right this is what makes me a fucking rage all right okay thank god mother fucking ventriloquist all right when did ventriloquist become like okay that's what I want to know all right I'm watching America's got fucking talent the first season when it came out you know back when it was like a a cool super original show whatever the the first guy to win that was a fucking ventriloquist with some stupid parrots on both on. And here's the thing, all right, like, what does that

is someone to want to like hold a little like makeshift a toddler in their arm and like force it to like say whatever they want, okay, a fucking psycho, that's who, all right? Honestly, I think Ventura, they're so interesting. Fucking no fly list, all right? These people need to be monitored, all right? What, I mean, and puppet,

don't even get me started on fucking puppets, all right? I was thinking about saying that my problem was Venturaquist and puppet, but these, we better not talk shit about puppets, there's no bigs. I will be tackling them individually. All right, but I want to go back to fucking ventriloquist.

What possesses you to like basically create a little like ventriloquist puppet? Like what is the difference between that and a toddler that has been like scanned and taxidermied by a fucking serial killer who wants to like live with it and love it. I'm going to present. What is the difference? Yeah. What possessions you like want to look in the mirror and be like, all right, I'm going to master how to like talk without talking. So it looks like my doll talking.

Isn't that so funny? It's fucking creepy. It's weird. And it's not funny. All right. I'm sick of Jeff Dunham. Jeff Dunham sucks. He's not funny, all right? I'm sick of Jeff Dunham Jeff Dunham sucks. He's not fucking funny

Anyway, um, I think I said all right Yeah See ya. What do you think about a guy if you saw in his closet? He's got a ventriloquist. Oh, I'd be out of there in heartbeat What no way that I would fuck with anybody with what about a taxidermy toddler Just as fast just as that Is it legal to get people taxes are made no nothing fun is legal yeah right all right what do you think one more going along again aren't we yeah well you know all right one more

there's a nice nice one to round off the episodio oh how long did masters that oh boy so i'm gonna have to start this but uh first around off the episode. Oh, how logic, master's that. Oh boy. So I'm going to have to start this, but first of all, I really highly recommend your podcast, to explain you being a conservative fuck. I mean, I thought it was funny that you put the stereos up to this contest of voting for the mechanical. I'm surprised that the stereos didn't realize that this was not gonna go in his way

because it's just our support Trump. No. Just sure as an attempt to call into the show. Your listeners are going to have your political view. I mean, that's what they're tuning in to, they want to tune into what they want to hear. But I noticed this with your and Maddox's podcast, current podcast and old podcast, you're at the bait show.

I noticed in my own life, if I debate someone, if I start debating a friend, I start to like them less. It gives me a little reason to start hating them. It's kind of like, I see it in Maddox's podcast. People like Rucka just hates it. Like you see, you like Chuck just because it pisses him off. And then I see you trying to continue the old format of the old show. And I would love to see that continue on.

But I just like to say here as a listener and as a fan, I feel a bit scared that it wouldn't scared that it's just a prophecy for doom. It's just going to end badly. So in a good old kind of old-fashioned sense, get yourself to the next Tuesday. Yeah, I think there's a lot of truth to that. You can argue with somebody regularly and still have any kind of, any kind of personal relationship with that. Which is, which is why that whole thing struck me as false. It's like, well, I mean, yeah, man, that's what you sacrifice when you have a show like

that. I think mostly in Vidal are not going camping together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard not to take it personally, I think, if you're really invested in one side. Yeah. All right. Hey, did you have anything you wanted to plug?

So here, I have a couple things that I'd like to plug or not necessarily plug, but give updates on. One is the workout thing. A few people on Twitter asked me to say what it's like to be a workout. And it's, it's, it's, it's, I don't know what it's like to be a workout. It's your workout. It's okay.

I mean, I've lost, I want to say like 20 pounds in the last couple of months. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. Actually, I stopped drinking for those two months. Sorry, I'm sorry, I've been lost. I condolences.

Well, I started drinking again because of all the days. Yeah. This, these last couple days, or Friday and Thursday and then last Saturday. And, you know, I can live without it now. I can, it's not. You can live without drinking? Yeah. You call, it's not. You can live without drinking? Yeah.

You call that living? No. And if I, I said this on Twitter, so I guess I got to stick to it. If I don't top Mad Cux or top of the rage boards this week, I am going to create my own person network that sells knives and Q tips. So. You should sell gildon shirts too, as long as you're selling garbage. But no, no, no, no, no that. And the knife is to stab your business partner in the back.

That's how it's done. Wow. All right, see you next Tuesday. Fucking wow.