The Dick Show - Episode 28 – Dick on The Toilet

Episode Date: December 13, 2016

Download the MP3 The Eve from Wall-E toilet, Sean is gone, way too much popcorn, Denzel’s non-sequitur trash talking, MadCucks defends his network, the Golden Goose of Goss, F is for Feminism, The War on Drugs vs. Automatic Updates, Lettuce Jones’ big reveal to reveal, Cameron Hermens melts down, and Hollywood Randy busts balls; all … Continue reading "Episode 28 – Dick on The Toilet" The post Episode 28 – Dick on The Toilet appeared first on The Dick Show.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to Dick! You want Dick? You need Dick? You love Dick! You got it! It's the only show where everything is a contest. I am your host Dick Masterson. With me is usually Sean. The audio engineer but he can't be here today.

Sean couldn't be here today. He couldn't. He couldn't be here today. But if he was this would be the show that paid him more than any other podcast that he is on I wish I could say that Tim Changs is filling in for him to filling in for him today, but he's not Tim Changs left me high and dry. I guess I guess fam doesn't mean as much these days as it used to It's just three little letters I guess fam doesn't mean as much these days as it used to. It's just three little letters. You know, one, four, three, FAM.

I thought it meant something, but apparently it doesn't mean jack shit. Apparently, it's not worth the, it's not worth the, the DJ that it's coming from these days. Fam with me instead is Denzel, the whole host with the most. Hey, hey, sorry, I'm late. Denzel, let's start with what makes me rage today. How about motherfuckers who are a ha- you know, I don't know if I've talked about the leading that I do on this show before. We all, we all do it.

Leading. Do we all do it, leading. Do we all, you tell somebody when you want them to be somewhere and by who the person is, you know how much you have to lie to them to get them to show up, like if it's me, you lead me by a good 10 minutes. Denzel, you say last night, you say to me, what time are we recording? And I said 1130, start time. And in your mind, somehow that translated

to, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to shave it as close as possible to that 1130 so that I can just walk in. I can walk in, walk right down, walk right down to my dungeon recording studio in the side of a cement bunker that I now record in. So I can just walk in and start raging. Was that the plan in your mind? Because I always, because you are late. You are a good 20 minutes late, I would say. And it has fucked up more of my plans than you know by you being 20 minutes late because

also with us is Randy. Handy Randy, the former producer of the biggest problem of the universe, a friend of mine, my manager, we go to Dodgers games together. He's brought me a beautiful bottle of liquor to celebrate my new house bought by the dickheads of this show from patreon.com slash the dick show Randy is here and all of I've been talking about sandbagging this guy for weeks when he was coming on the show and I was going to do that by having Randy come at Randy's a hello. Hi everybody. Hey, I was going to do that by having Randy come in late and I was gonna say a bunch of shit I was gonna drop a bunch of hot goss like Chuckie

I was gonna be like Chuckie fucking cheese with the hot goss this week I was gonna be spending it around on my fingers coming now I was gonna be spinging I was gonna be like ratatouille over here with the amount of hot goss like Chuckie cheese coming out here with A million some pizza pies of hot goss and then Randy would walk into it and then he would have to listen to it later in the car or at the gym and he was going to go oh shit. Now I'm going to be on this show in 20 minutes great but then sell you've really fucked up my plan. That plan that I've been putting into work. I mean what were you? And how much do I have to lead you by? You tell me.

You know, to be fair, this is the very first time I've ever been late before. This is the very first time you've been late in your life. No, to the show. To the show. Okay, so one out of four. If one out of four. Not great odds.

If NASA blew up one out of four shuttles, I don't think they'd be getting any more money. That's true. I just, it just got caught up from San Diego. Yeah, he is. We got ways. The computer, no, there's no excuse anymore. When that was, see, this is what it used to be.

Like I would, I would call my parents and tell them that I'm meeting them. Everybody in my family is just constantly tries to fuck each other over. If we're driving somewhere in the car, you get a call from someone else in my family and they're like, hey, what's you doing? Like a 13 year old girl, I'm like, what are you in the car? You're just trying to kill time and I have stuff to do. Don't use me as your own personal radio

while you're in the car. Just sit there and think about your life. Don't bother me. I'm not in the car trying to waste time, but then as soon as I get in the car. Just sit there and think about your life. Don't bother me. I'm not in the car trying to waste time, but then as soon as I get in the car, I'm dialing up my sister. I'm dialing up my brother and mom, dialing up mom and dad's,

I say, hey, what you doing? But every single time in my whole life where we've had to go somewhere, it's meet me at this time. One person will be there. At that time, pick me up from the airport. I land at 5.30. All be at the airport or one of them will be at the airport

calling the other saying, hey, it's 5.30, where are you? Common response, I'm five minutes away. I'm in fucking my underpants in bed. I'm not five minutes away from anything. I'm not five minutes away from getting out of bed. So that's the, and when I texted you and said, hey, Denzel, where the fuck are you? We got a show.

We got to put on a show in five minutes. Do you understand? Where the fuck are you? And you know how the show works. You know that there's a live stream every week. Where the fuck are you? You said, I'm 15 minutes away. I said, I don't fucking believe you.

What's your, give me your ways? Send me the ways link. That's what I do now every time you said because it used to be my mom would say oh Zick son. I'm I'm 10 minutes away and I would say really what do you turn on your car radio? And she would go oh shit and she would put the phone down. I said, you know, this is a true story. She put the phone down and ran out to the car, try to close the door very quickly and put on the radio real fast in the car. That's the depth.

So I know the kind of tricks that are involved in the in the lateness. What the hell's going on, Denzel? I just I left my apartment at 930 rather than 915. You left your apartment at 930 this morning and took you that long to get up here. Yeah. Okay, leave your apartment at six in the morning.

Next time. I just came out. Fucking bastard. I'm sorry. Sean isn't here. Not everyone knows this, but Sean does, Sean does Warren Acquence. Did you know, you know, like the Civil War

reenactments, he does reenactments, except he does World War II reenactments. So Sean's, they're doing the Battle of Verdun today. I think they are, they are doing, he couldn't, he couldn't make it. But with me is Randy, with me is Zenzel. Let me, let me, guys, let me tell you what makes me a rage. Let me tell you what makes me a rage this week. Randy's gonna be here giving notes on Denzel's script, by the way.

I'm very much looking forward to that. I have so many questions from just reading this. Okay. Stack of papers with things printed on them. Randy, the big Hollywood producer now throwing his weight around Didn't throw his weight around like this on the old show biggest problem And now he's in here. He's dressed like the funds. He's a Japanese font. Are you Japanese? Yeah, okay Yeah, I thought so the Japanese funds is here. Hollywood hot shot Andy Randy is here with some note bombs to drop on Denzel

I'll tell you what makes me rage, first of all. The toilets, the toilets with the push button in the flush and the top of the toilet. Do you guys know what this is? Do you guys know what this inhuman abomination of a toilet flushing devices? Have you had a leak in one? You just took a leak?

Randy, Randy, whoever designed the toilet, where you push the top of the toilet to flush it, should be themselves crammed into a toilet, one of these top-flushing toilets until they're smushed into a little tube and then flushed into the ocean. They have, first of all, they have ruined the courtesy flush. I have this, I have this beautiful new house

that the dickheads paid for for me and the one fucking toilet in the bedroom has a flushing button on the top of the toilet. And now I'm studying, let me tell you what, there is no more courtesy flush. There's no more courtesy flush. So for example, on podcast mornings, when I've been drinking all night

and doing silly blue apron meals all week, so you get a different spicy chutney every day of the week, and I've been eating more popcorn than you could steal from a movie theater, and I make my way into the into the into the bathroom in the morning thinking I'm gonna have a nice clear out before the show I'm gonna start shooting popcorn powered shit popcorn powered liquor shit into this toilet like a rainbird sprinkler right? Yeah that that that that that that that I I reach for the courtesy flush

handle but it is not there on these new toilets. You have to, you have to twist your entire fucking body around to find this button. Like, a man is not meant to, is not designed to be twisting in such a way. You want, a man is like a rigid bookshelf, like a, like a, like a square box. The man is not meant to be twisting around. A man is only meant to be going forward and punching and kicking. These are a man is twisting. This is a degenerate act.

This is a man's body is not so I'm trying to twist my fat ass around like a full tube of toothpaste. It's like trying to courtesy flush with one of these toilets with the buttons in the back is like taking a brand new full tube of toothpaste and trying to twist it in half. Not gonna happen. You're gonna have toothpaste exploding out the bottom of the fucking tube of toothpaste.

That's just for the courtesy flush, Okay. So I'm sitting there, the sound, the echoing sound of this morning's effluence, still echoing that, trying to figure out, now I'm trying to figure out a levering system to touch the button in the back of the toilet on the top of the toilet. they put the button on the toilet, is now in the spot where it's in the middle of your back, which is impossible to fucking reach. You understand this? This is the, if there was one place

where is the worst, have you ever reached the middle of your back? Like you know when you have an itch in the middle of your back and you turn into like a cartoon bear in the woods, wherever you're at, a man could be in the middle, you could be at the gym, you could be in the middle of your back and you turn into like a cartoon bear in the woods wherever you're at. A man could be in the mid- you could be at the gym, you could be in the middle of a business meeting, you could be the president of the United States and Hitler have both had an itch in the middle of their back that they needed to find a corner of a wall to get, you know, to get themselves up on

and get rid of that fucking itch. It's the way it keeps us all together, but now that's where they've put the courtesy flush of the toilet button. Why? Why? Why do you need a courtesy flush in your own house? And I don't wanna sit around in a bunch of floating out of the toilet.

It's like one of those pies in the 30s cartoons that evil tentacle crawls out of the toilet. It's like one of those pies in the cart, in the 30s cartoons that that evil tentacle crawls out of the toilet and it starts enticing everyone, but the opposite, I want to get rid of that fucking thing as quickly as possible. What do you mean you just sit there and stew in it? How long are you in there? Hopefully all day. I would like to, I have the more time I spend in the bathroom, the better the day gets I would like to, I have the more time I spend in the bathroom,

the better the day gets I've noticed. So when you're doing your courtesy flush, and it's like, you know, alcohol shits, you're not worried about the size. Like an AK-47, I'm in there. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

Yeah, everything. Because I try, I'm like a, I'm a big, I'm a man. So I try to eat about 12 meals a day, like a normal man eating me, what, go ahead. What are you gonna say? Is it, is it the splashback that you're not worried about? You getting all of your shit particles on your ass after you flushed. Oh my God. What do you, no, what, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not worried about that. I just can't reach the button.

No, I'm, I'm saying you should be worried about getting shit on your ass from the diarrhea that you've just put into the toilet. What, when you're giving a courtesy flush? Yeah, I'm not worried about that. I hope you shower right afterwards. I shower before and after. Oh, excellent. Yeah, as you should.

So then, then I'm thinking, well, wait a minute. How do you fix this fucking thing? How do you fix this toilet with the buttons? Because the old toilet was perfect, man. It starts getting goofy. You just lift off the lid. You see all the parts right there, and you poke them until it starts working.

That's how it worked. You just have to poke at the parts. The new one, man, I go online to see how the fuck do you even fix when I type in all my searches on Google start with how the fuck do you even? How the fuck do you even fix this new types of toilet? And it says, well, you got to remove it. You got to remove the valve. This may require an unscrewing while you're holding the foot. No, that's it. They fucked it up. They took something perfect and they fucked it up for all the worst reasons. They fucked it up because they're trying

to turn your toilet into an iPhone. They're trying to give your toilet, which is a pooping mechanism. The same sleek sexy curves. They don't want any knobs sticking out on the end. That's what they're doing because they want you to go into Home Depot with your wife or your girlfriend, and you say, well, which toilet do you want, staring at you like, I want one that looks like a fucking throne. I would like a toilet that looks like a pirate ship. That's what I want.

I want to sit on, I want it to look like it has an outboard motor on it. That's what I want it to look like. I want it to flush so hard that it sucks my spine out of my ass. That's what I, that's how, that's what I want in a toilet. And then what you see is a toilet that looks like an egg that looks like Eve from the Disney Pixar Walley movie. That's what you get. Who wants, you'd find me one man in the world that wants to shit in the eve robot from Wally. Maybe you find one, but you're not gonna, but there's all these, they're

everywhere now. You go in every office building, any fancy fucking office building and you have a toilet that look, it's so smooth. They make it, they make it look so smooth like an egg. They're obsessed with these lines, but they fucking ruin toilets because of it because I'm trying to twist my fat ass around like a tube full of toothpaste just for a courtesy flush and I can't because I'm so goddamn muscular. You see these, I'm so muscular and fat that I can't twist my body around to hit the button on this dainty little fucking toilet without using some kind of a lever like a fucking chimpanzee. I'm in the bathroom trying to flush the toilet. This

is what makes me a rage this week. Then, Zell, what makes you rage this week? Is it alarm clocks? No, man, it's losing. Losing makes me a fucking rage. So in an effort to be more social, I joined a kickball league as well as a basketball league. The kickball league is for fun. You know, you'd be fuck around with a bunch of weirdos. I join these leagues, right? And not many people know, I suppose, that I've played basketball since I was 13.

And it's something, it's the one thing that I truly can love as a man. Basketball. Yes. And I kickball. How about you play basketball? I have. Because that looks hard as fuck, man.

I get winded just looking. Basketball and soccer. I'm like, no fucking way, man. I would twist my ankle 16 time. I played dodgeball one time. I joined a dodgeball league thinking I would get to bang chicks in it. First fucking day I twisted my ankle. Like, it's like my joints have, it's like my body for some reason.

My brain still thinks I'm 17 and run, competes with that ferocity, but all the joint, I'm like, I'm working with ghost town equipment here. I'm working with like the body that the shit that the 18 finds in Bulgaria when they're trapped in some warehouse and they fight like, look, we got this poojo from 1965 and in 1985, when they found that it was 20, 20 years old, that's the body that I'm working with that face man

and BA put together out of a fucking used Poo Joe. How do you, oh, you're a young guy though. Yeah. Okay. How much basketball do you play? So I hadn't played for three months, but prior to that, it was like twice, three times a week. Go play some pick up games. Okay. Yeah. Never. Like I had played in two. You talk smack Mac? Yes. Oh yeah, like, what are you talking about? It's mostly random shit. Like, it's not so much about trying to get in their head and piss them off. It's just about distracting them for brief moments. Like, hey, so you watch anime, you a big anime fan?

Okay, I think with a bunch of, yeah, you're just asking, asking a bunch of stupid fucking questions. Okay, anime, yeah. Oh, you know, I saw this new one of stupid fucking questions. Okay, Anime. Yeah. Oh, you know, I saw this new one in the Routel. No, I don't watch that. Okay, but I watch. I watch the last one that I watch was Gundam Iron Blooded Orphans. With those robots?

Yeah. You building any of those robots? I own one, but I haven't built it yet. All right, then, no. You distracted me. Yeah. Does that work? Yeah. The guys, then, no. You distracted me. Yeah. Does that work? Yeah.

The guys started talking about anime? No, they don't. They just get annoyed, though. And that's all it takes, just get them a little bit shook. Not even like, oh man, this guy's talking a lot of shit. I can focus harder because he's saying mean things to me. No, no, this guy's asking me stupid fucking questions. Oh yeah.

They can stop. Like how diversified is your port? What do you think about the Dow Jones? Yeah, do you think it's gonna break 21,000? That's massive. That's gonna be shit talking. Yeah, what are your favorite podcasts? Yeah. Getting there like that.

Yeah, okay. Just get into their head a little bit. But the issue is of course, as it's been noted before, I'm not in the best of shape. And you know, I... That's how you're gonna say that? I'm not in the best of shape. Yeah, yeah, let's see.

I mean, what the fuck? Is that how you talk to your friends? You know, guys, I'm not in the best of shape over here. I'm talking about I'm too fat to flush a toilet then, Zell. And you're coming in with, I'm not in the best of the year. I'm talking about I'm too fat to flush a toilet then tell and your it's Kelly you're coming in with I'm not in the best of shape. Detroit's seen better days. Just put it soft. It's a brule of mindset. Okay. You gotta be nice to yourself. Yeah. And look, it's I can't expect to win every game, but the last, I played in this league for the fucking first time with this fucking team of strangers who fucking suck. And we get blown to fuck out. And not just the normal blowout, right? It was like, oh, they got blown out by 20. No, no, we got blown out by 42 fucking points.

It was fucking embarrassing. How long did it take for you to get fucked, fucked, fucked. And we got butt fucked in the first five minutes. And I'm not, it's, look, first five minutes, we have four points, the other team has 11. And I said, okay, this is not off to a great start, but 10 minutes later, we play two 20 minute periods, 10 minutes later, so five minutes left in the first half. And I'm like, well, Jesus Christ, how do they have 50 points and we only have 20?

Yeah. This can't get much worse, right? Yeah. And okay, well, it gets much worse. It got much worse. And you know why? It's because when you play with a bunch of fucking strangers who don't know how you play and you don't know how they play, they fucking, they just do dumb shit.

They just do dumb things. It's like, oh. Aren't you describing like basketball though? No, no, no, no, you play strangers that don't have that's why you lost with strangers. Yeah. It's it's you the team we were playing against play has played with each other a lot. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I have I have it's like expecting a brand new podcast to be as funny as one that's like established and has people on it who've known each other forever. Yes. Right. Yeah expecting a brand new podcast to be as funny as one that's like established and has people on it who've known each other forever.

Yeah. You're never going to be as funny. They try to cover for it with a bunch of dumb sound effects, right? And like hack jokes that they keep repeating every fucking episode, but it's never going to be as funny as two guys who've known each other for a while. Yeah, I understand what you're saying. So they have to phrase everything in spite for me to understand. That's only I understand anything fair enough.

So you've got you've got dudes who are just taking the worst shots. So I don't for those who are uninitiated to basketball. There's basically two types of defense. There's man defense and there's zone defense. And zone defense. It's easier to shoot three pointers. Yeah. But in man to man,

you don't like, if you have somebody chasing you around all fucking day, you can't just throw up shots. And that's what these people were doing. And I'm not saying that I had the best effect on the game. And you know, fucking why? Because we play with assholes. Oh, I get that you lost by a lot. And there's reasons for it. But why do you hate losing? There's just something in me that I haven't managed to get rid of as, when I was, since I was a child,

that just fucking claws at me every fucking day, ever, like until I can rectify the situation, that it's just like, I need a clause. It's like trying to rip out of my fucking chest. That makes me think of something. There's two things. I just read this, I read a headline recently. I'm not even gonna say studies anymore.

I'm not even gonna say I read an article anymore. I'm just gonna say I read the headline. And it was saying that letting kids lose, helps them work on their ability. It helps develop their ability to trust selectively. Like you don't want an adult that just trusts and discriminantly trusts everybody, right? Because then you're a sucker and you believe any,

then you wake up the next day and you're selling man purses on your brand. You said you're running into your sucker. You want people, you want to be able to trust selectively and like learn that agony of defeat should shape how you view the world and should make you look back at the decisions you made. Yeah, the decisions you made to get to earn that, earn that tremendous loss. But the other thing that it makes me think is almost every person I've ever worked with something on has this weird mentality where they don't wanna tell you

that they're getting too excited about something because then if it doesn't work out, though it'll be too devastating. You know what I like? It'll be way to every single fucking time I've ever ran to you. You probably know exactly what I'm talking about because I find that comedy people do this more than anybody else. They'll say, well, I don't want to, they're talking about this, but I don't want to get too excited about it or else,

like I don't want to talk about it because if it doesn't work out, I'm going to be really devastated. And nobody does that in anything else. Like they don't go on to a basketball court and say like, well, we're, I don't want to get too excited about winning this basketball game because if it doesn't work out, then I'm going to be really devastated by it. You know what I mean? No, nobody does that. It's, it's the, it's the one realm where I feel like I can

actually just let loose and just be as insane as I want to be. And I get emotional on the court. And that's, that's, that's something that I haven't learned how to control, nor do I ever want to learn how to control. Everybody loves a guy flipping out on the basketball court because he's losing or because he's winning. Remember touchdown dances? Yeah. Do you remember how amazing every fucking time there isn't there is a brawl on the baseball field?

Everybody watches because it's awesome. That is the best part. I don't see like the idea of making sports more gentlemanly like that it's somehow bad for them to just say, well, we're losing. Let's just go punch the fuck out of the other team. Like that's the that is the that is the quintessential part of sporting to me. They should be trying to include that more in the game, not trying to get away from it. And it go ahead. Yeah.

No, that's, I mean, for the reason why I brought up the kickball league is because it's for recreation. It's just for fun. Yeah. Basketball, I take very seriously. This is, it's like, I had imagined that's how, it's like how anybody looks at their kids. That's how I look at basketball. And if, I just basketball. And it's something that I can't explain very well because it's just so, fuck, it's in deep inside me.

It just makes me so mad when I lose. So mad. You ever got any fight over it? No, no. I've seen some horrible stuff happen at the basketball court. Friend of mine got punched in the face. I had to get a root canal, got knocked out, his teeth got all fucked up. And I was just like, no, and plus people know Jiu Jitsu and MMA and shit.

Now you can't just go out and punch. If you're playing Jiu Jitsu, Shaolin basketball, the fuck are you talking about people? No, we can't just go get in a fight because somebody will know Jiu Jitsu. Yeah, you can't because they actually know how to fight. Like people know how to fight now. It's not like you're fucking tussling for five seconds and then rubbing your nipples together and then I can, yeah, there's no, I don't know if it was different.

It seems like before our time, there was a, you just kind of get in a dust stop but I don't know. I only know that from movies and movies do not give an accurate representation of what it is to get into a fight. Because if you hit, if you hit somebody unlike their face, you get broken orbital sockets, busted teeth, broken jaw, you break your fucking hand, like one hit, one good hit, and you could, you could, and if we didn't have modern medicine,

you could kill the fucking guy. Like that's what thumbs are for. That's what these weapons are for. They're supposed to be for fucking killing other human beings, right? It's not, it's supposed, they're not for like settling a B for acting like cowboys in a John Wayne movie. That's not why we have fists.

It's not so you can punctuate and I'm like, ah, you son of a bitch, boom! Like, I saw an Irishman get into a fight in a cartoon one time. This is out work, pop, I'm pop by the fucking sailor man, boom. It's like, no, you got this entire body and you got this entire swiveling mechanism to kill somebody. That is the only time you're supposed to swivel

this torso. You're disgustingly fat torso is to rear back and clock somebody. So even a glancing blow, like a you'd kill a caveman. You're a little, you're with these little scrawny, anyway. Well, I don't know how you, how do feel about losing screenplays? Uh, when Randy gives you notes on your play in a little bit, you might be, Randy, you might be getting a beat down here in this, uh, a concrete bunker that we're in in the middle of nowhere. And I'm Asian. Who's to say I'm not studying jujitsu and everything. Right.

It's got my note judo. Do you know? Do you know? Karate. Karate. Do you know Karate? Chinese boxing. Hopkido. How come you guys have karate? Like how come you looked at all the shawlin'

the martial arts there and you said, I know, we need to make karate with karate belts. How come that exists? But I don't know karate. You don't know? Isn't that like part of your culture karate? Well, I skipped Japanese culture or at school apparently but it is though right karate is a Japanese thing everything I know about karate I learned from the karate kid and

mr. Miyagi mr. Miyagi was Japanese yeah he would know he would Randy you're fortunately he's passed away your ancestors would not be happy with your knowledge of karate that's like me not knowing where piñatas came from where did they come from from? They're actually effigies. So you would make, you would celebrate someone by making an effigy in their likeness. And then you would beat the, so here's a funny, yeah, it was an honor. It's an my, my family reunion, my Mexican family reunion, not the German one, because it'd be like six of them in a U-boat in the middle in Nebraska. My Mexican side of my family where my dad's got 72 first cousins. So, you know, you can imagine the size. I need to stadium to fit all these Mexicans.

You need a whole state. It's called California. That's what we need. We need a whole state to fit all my family members. They made an effigy of their great, great ancestor, whomever it was, this dude. I forget his name, but he was a, he was a German guy who moved to, to, to, nor the little tip of Mexico

right under California. And I hooked, and fell in love with an Indian woman. I don't know, but he's this like gigantic six foot something German guy fell in love with an Indian woman. I don't know, but he's this like gigantic six foot something German guy fell in love with his Indian woman spawned 10,000, 10,000 Mexicans under half met and eventually we all, you know, eventually that side became Mexican entirely, but it started with that one German guy. So at the family reunion, there was they made an effigy, they made a piñata of great, great, grandpa, uh, garbanzo or whatever, whatever, great, great grandpa, grandpa Fritz or whatever his name was. So the effigy for my family reunion, the piñata was a giant white man with a mob of Mexicans beating the fuck out of him and tearing tearing tearing the white man piñata from

limb from limb to get all the sweet dulce out. So that's how, see Randy, maybe karate something like that. Perhaps. Maybe it's something fun like that. All right, Dan's like, anything else? No. I want to get these rage guys on the board before the audio equipment goes to shit again. Okay, here we go.

Here's our challenger for this week. Buddy, what do you want me to call you? What kind of blast Johnson, Horny Weinerson? What's here? What's your name on the show? I don't have a creative name like that. Just call me Joey. Joey. All right, Joey. I like it. It's nice and simple. Joey, how you doing? Thanks. Congratulations for winning the lottery this week. Do you have a good one for us? I have a complicated one. I have regretting my choice. We got 90 seconds.

How complicated is it? Oh, I got 90 seconds. You got 90, I'm sorry, you got 69 seconds. How complicated is it? The war on drugs. Okay, buddy. All right, I'm just gonna let you do it. I don't want to get in your head. Are you ready? I'm ready. You got your bullet points out. I got my bullet points already. Already to go. All right, buddy. You want it? You need it. You love it. Go.

All right. My problem is my fucking rage is the war on drugs. Number one, the law is not a deterrent. It only puts non-violent addicts behind bars. People are not going to do, addicts don't care about what the fucking law is. Drugs, they're going to do drugs anyway. Goddammit. True. The government waste billions of dollars every year fighting the war on drugs. The A budget of 2015 alone was $2 billion. The DEA has no incentive to win the war on drugs. So why the fuck are

we even funding these guys? Six, your former co-host really pissed me off with that whole fucking, anybody bringing up decriminalizing drugs being a political minefield. God damn it, Portugal and fucking 2000 drugs. I think you need some drugs. You need some Coke, man, this is a prime example where drugs help you out, keep going. Portugal on 2001 decriminalize all drugs and they put that money into fucking rehab and it fucking worked.

True. Ten seconds. So basically if we decriminalize drugs, we end up with less crime, less prison population, less government spending, less asshole cops, and a better fucking world. Time. I love it. I agree 100%. That's good stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. There's no, they definitely don't have any incentive to do it. Joey, it's hard, isn't it? Oh my God, I was tripping over myself like crazy. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. Don't run away. Don't disappear. And it's like so much. That it's harder than it's. I'm gonna get fucking eaten alive for this shit. The time limit makes it to makes it harder. It doesn't make it easier. Oh my God. I didn't realize I thought it was going

to be fine. I didn't realize how much pressure that puts on you. Yeah. Sorry, buddy. Well, I totally agree with you though. We got legalized weed here now. That's pretty good though. Ah, fuck it. Legalize everything. Legal even PCP. Everything. Even the drugs, the fucking laws don't deter anybody from doing anything. They're going to do what they're going to do regardless. Take the money that we put in enforcement, put it into rehab programs, and stop fucking around with this shit. No, I don't know how fast food is allowed, but I don't know how fast food and drinking are allowed, but drugs aren't. Yeah, it's a really bad one. Fast food is engineered to target specific people and taste a specific way. So people keep eating it. Yeah. It's so cool. I really don't. Fast food is engineered to target specific people and taste a specific way.

So people keep eating it. Yeah. It's like dog, like that seems fucked up. That's a drug, motherfucker. Yeah. If you take a, if you have a lab, if you have a gigantic lab where you're combining chemicals and the result is to make it so people can't go through the day

without getting more of what you're selling, you got a fucking drug on your hand. I don't care if you call it a big Mac what you're selling. You got a fucking drug on your hand. I don't care if you call it a big Mac or whatever. That's called a fucking drug and alcohol just turns everybody into a monster. You could take it out of my, you could take it out of my cold dead hands when you make alcohol illegal. But I am way more dangerous on liquor than any other drug. All right, Joey.

Uh, good luck. Good luck. I hope you're not the new Clegg, but thanks for calling. Oh my God. You want to give a shout out to anybody? Yeah, thanks for putting that in people's heads, by the way. I don't want you to get lower than Clegg. People are kind, people were kind to Damien. He was lower than Clegg for a bit on the rage board on the site, uh, dick that show, but, but he bounced back. The Ditch. You want to give a shout out to anybody? No, you're on. Okay. Just, just, I'll go. All right, buddy. Thanks a lot. Take it easy. Is that fight ever happening? I don't know. Dustin hasn't called it in a while. I really want to

get an update on that. Um, whatever having to butt Sanchez. Yeah. I don't know. He might be on the other network. A lot of guys just stayed over there. Like weird Matthew McConaughey just kept calling into the old number that I don't have, you know, anymore. Um, I don't know. Yeah. Okay. Before we get to the movie, I want to have one last caller on. I think you should use that in like the very loosest terms. What's that? No.

Ha ha ha ha. Dale. Oh, movie. Yeah, brutal. Dale. You know, I love you, man. Oh, thank you. I love you too, Randy.

All right, is he. Can you hear me? Oh, yes, again. Hey. Oh, my God, it's a fucking miracle. Okay. God, what's going on today? Welcome back to the program, is he? You are the, you are the defending champion. You are the reigning champion. You are undefeated as was playing out. Johnson before you, but you, man, you tore it up. Your pizza Jesus rage last week. Really lit up the boards.

I'm very glad people could empathize with me, Dick, because as I mentioned, people look at me like I'm some monster from Jupiter when I talk to them about like, hey, can you just get one little cheese pizza for me? Yeah. Then I know your motherfuckers are gonna eat anyway. Can we just, so I feel very validated.

You know how good it feels for people on the internet strangers say, yeah, that thing. It feels better than people who you know. I'm just gonna change their agree with you. It feels better than anything, I think. Like I would rather read about people agreeing me online than have sex, than have sex. I would just like to be there on my phone.

That's not that far, but I will say this, there's because if my neighbor, if my brother, if my cousin, if these people agree with me, they're just some dude. But the guy on the internet, he could be a fucking CEO. He knows his shit. He knows what's going on. So I feel agrees with me.

That means by association, I know my shit. Yeah, and he could also, not necessarily a CEO, he could also just be like a guy sitting in his yard who's got it all figured out. Who doesn't like, he's just like, yeah, nailed it. Like all he does is think about things all day. Just to do that knocking back, maddie ises in his yard, contemplating life,

modern philosophy. The guy's gonna happen as well, yeah. If I reach the common man, I wanna aim for the CEO's other, for the people, the people that I see as the, let's say the quote unquote, the captains of industry. If these people, if these unknown people in the internet

happen to have shit figured out, and then I think if they agree with me, I feel a little bit valued, but again, reaching the common man, right? This is what the dick show is about, right? I think so. It's also about making money on Patreon. Oh, yes.

You got that one down. Do you have a, do you have a rage today? I'm gonna count you down. Get ready. Holy shit, dick. Do I ever have a rage today? All right, you want it? You need it.

You love it. Go. All right, dick. You know what pisses me off? Windows, update, notifications. Dick, you know how, I know. What's my metric, my methodology in this life? To know that I don't need something It's how much somebody or something is pushing that shit on me. I'm working on my computer

I'm recording the dictionary. I'm browsing Twitter for naked people. I'm doing whatever it is windows pops up and says Oh update to windows 10 like oh, don't say windows 10 safety updates like you're gonna be You know, there's no way I need this shit. If they're pushing it that hard, if they're pushing it that hard for me to install this thing, I don't fucking need it. And I'm doing my Excel spreadsheets for work or whatever. I'm doing, I'm playing Castlevania on the fucking computer. It always pops up, fucks up what I'm,

you know what it is? If they're interrupting my work shit in my video games, they're interrupting, they're fucking up with my personal in professional reputation, I mean, here's what I think. Here's what I think, here's what I think. I think I broke, whatever they have on my computer, that knows what I'm doing,

that knows what I'm likely to buy, or how I'm gonna vote all that NSA shit, Facebook algorithms for ads, I broke it somehow. And they want me back, they want me to install this thing, they want to know what I'm gonna buy, they want to know what I'm gonna spend money on. Time. So you think that they, you've broken the matrix

and they need to rope you back to the end. Yes. I got out somehow. I got out. And that's why they want me to install this shit. I do. They want to know what shit, dude. It feels like I'm doing the work for them.

Like if you add up all of the time, those updates waste from like how much money are they sucking down in my day, everyday? Why do I even need to know about this? Like my card doesn't need an update. You don't. My toaster doesn't need an update. What? What?

My toilet doesn't need an update. It's just permanently broken. Send a guy out to, I really, I really need like a new lever, like a lever that, like an infomercial, that's the future, an infomercial product that latches onto your toilet that has a chain and you pull on the fucking chain and it has like an MC, like a contraption, like a, like a Rube Goldberg contraption that goes down and has this goofy, goofy Dr. Sousption that goes down and has this goofy goofy doctor Su's finger that comes down and presses the fucking flush and you know they only have that

fucking button to split it up between pee and poop too. Like I'm fucking cataloging what kind of excrement I'm putting in the toilet. Oh do do want do a solid for the environment and let your toilet know if you've got pee pee or poo poo in the fuck you man. What how about I just go out and dump a bunch of gasoline into the lawn? Where's the button for that? Where's the jo- like I need a lever. I need a lever to pull like a slot machine that I win every time but I get what you're

saying is he. Those updates are annoying. They- there's no way I need this shit. Okay. You know what? They say, like, Oh, no, the security updates are going to be more safe with the shit. No, you're going to, I'm going to solve this thing. And then some 12 year old in China is still going to hack my page. My, my fucking PayPal. They're going to get into my shit. There's, there's no winning against. I know that's not why you're interested in installing the shit on my computer. Yeah. You want to put some ads on there.

All right, buddy. Thanks for calling. Good luck. I hope you win. You're the reigning champ. So do you have any shout outs to give this one? Oh, yeah. No, I just glad to be here.

Again, hey, Danzeel, how's it going? Great. How are you? Glad to be glad to participate. All right, we're not doing how's it going on this show. I read this really good. I'm doing okay, too. Thanks, Brad. I read this stupid,

stupid online on how to make a good podcast. And one of the points was don't do, don't do, hey, how's it going in your show? I read this list. It was, the list was like, I forget where the list was. It was how to get, it was like, how to do a good podcast.

And it was, it had a bunch, it had a link to a bunch of shitty audio equipment that I wouldn't do a good podcast and it was, it had a bunch, it had a link to a bunch of shitty audio equipment that I wouldn't do a podcast on. And then it was, don't do small talk. Have a, have a focused conversation. All right. Whatever. Is he, thanks for playing good luck. Best of luck today. Thanks, Dick. All right. All right. Hold on. Hold on, buddy. Here, this is what I've been looking forward to this one all week. So so Randy Randy agreed to come on the show gentlemen. What? I'm just saying hi. Oh hi hi hi. Randy agreed to come on the show because he ran he's a good sport. As everyone knows Randy was heavily involved in

the former show. So I said I said Randy look come on., come on. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I said on the air that I'm gonna sandbag this guy when he comes on, right? Screw with him a little bit. What a great friend. Just, just, just to see, just to keep him honest, right? And see if he's listening to the show. I said it on the show. Randy text me after I said that, um, Hey, I knew you were gonna do that. So I prepared a reverse sandbag for you of, to me, Randy said to me, he's prepared a reverse sandbag. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want any part of Randy's reverse sandbag. Because he's a big Hollywood hotshot now.

However, I wouldn't want to reverse sandbag you and damage your personal or professional reputation any farther. Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you very much. You're a good friend. However, someone did want to talk to you. Randy. Hi.

Welcome. I'd like to introduce Mad Cux to you. How's it going? Yeah. You there? Mad Cux, you there? Hi, I'm here. Hey, how's it going? Pretty good.

You've got a new video out. You got a new chapter out. You've got, and you've got a new network that you've launched. You've finally capitalized on the Madcast Media Network. I'm so happy to see that. Yeah, I finally started accepting application. You can now submit your show to my network and I'll put it on there.

And hopefully it'll be good for you because you'll get some exposure and really hope you'll be good for me because maybe Some of your dumb ass fans can be selling my dumb ass fans. Yeah, I'm sure it'll be really good for exposure for people to be part of a web ring All right, isn't that the same way the Huffington Post makes all their money? Begging for But the suffering of post is like a big corporation Corporations are bad, but small individuals are good. Okay. How about small individual? Do you have a preview of your next chapter that you can give us? Yeah, I just released today E for quality on the Reddit page But F for feminism is gonna be coming out soon. Hopefully it'll come out

the same day that this podcast gets posted. I'm just going to jump in the middle here. The Marion Webster's Dictionary defines feminism as a theory of political, economic, and social activity of the sexes, organized activity on the behalf of women's rights and interests. I respect for disagreeing. I mean it. Always. He always gets me with those twists. Yeah.

That is, feminism truly means that women are better than men. From math lovers out there, women, and then it's got that like, V-look and symbol. Yeah, I'm familiar with that symbol. Yeah, and then men. The casual massages out there is thinking that women have a pretty difficult even in our modern world. What those people don't comprehend is the long sort of history of abuses the radical femin feminists had to fight for in history. In the United States, feminists began fighting for the right to vote at the end of the 19th century. These pioneers in equality were only the most basic human rights.

Like the right to have a lady run for president, but then get beaten by a guy like to grab buses. Yeah. Then, in the 1960s, women sought to free their sexuality, allowing multiple partners and shut in peritonical beliefs, opening up a whole new world of fetishes, which is just great. The trailblazers, the second wave feminism, opened the doors for women to be as promiscuous as they wanted, will not be called easier sluts.

Finally, third wave feminism of today, in arguably the most important wave of feminism has picked up where the four mothers have left off. Yeah. Yeah. If you want to hear more of that chapter, you just have to, you just have to subscribe to my Patreon patreon.com for such mad cuck. Oh, good. So are you, I've noticed you've got your network going. Is there a reason that you've picked like I was reading through you What so what was a through e you haven't read mad cucks his book No, he's got I know it was for apology. It was for apologies I've been used for bone because I'm still proud of boners. Yeah, he's cockled. Oh, Drey

Uh-huh, do you for differently able? Uh-huh Eat with full equality, have this for feminism, and then the rest are forthcoming. You just have to wait on. We're gonna get forward to reading all those. See, it's a book for like-minded, socially-conscious enlightened individuals. The Mad Cux is writing.

All right, well, I noticed you have a new network going up. Some of the guidelines, I thought we're interesting like you picked an hour as your podcast, length episode. I thought it was interesting that you'd ask your listeners to listen to an hour of people with a new show in order to properly vote against another entirely separate hour of a brand new podcast. It seems like a big ask to ask listeners to listen to two entire hours of a podcast they've never heard of before in order to cast one vote to see which one, see which one the deserves a spot on your network. I don't know, that's just me.

60 minutes, 69 seconds of rage, you know, really what's the big difference there. They're getting better and more quality content from my podcasters than they do from people coming in and complaining about cheese pizza. Hey, no, splash, cheese pizza is bullshit. All and complain about cheese pizza. Hey, no, it's flash. Cheese pizza bullshit. All pizza to cheese pizza. I also noticed that you had a bunch of shitty audio equipment recommendations on there. Is there any, is there any place you got that from? Like, did you just kind of pull that together and throw your Amazon affiliate link on that

or? Well, I went into radio shack and I asked the guy for some advice and he was like, Hey, I probably shouldn't shop. Sorry. He's like, uh, uh, probably should stop it because Radio Shack is really bad quality merchandise. And I was like, listen, idiot. I'm an audio master. So I picked some stuff off off the shelves and then I posted links to him on Amazon because Radio Shack doesn't have an affiliate master. So I picked some stuff off off the shelves and then I posted links to

them on Amazon because RadioShack doesn't have an affiliate program. Welcome to the 2016 folks. Come on, come on. If you need recommendations, Mad Cugs has some on his page. Oh yeah, is that true for a new game? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. You get to buy some new equipment. You give me a real big solid and hit that Amazon affiliate link because you know, they keep you in advance to write a book, but they gave me that advance in like May of 2014. So, uh, that's a good point. That's a really stretching pennies to make your advance get you this far? Well, my best way past. That's why I had to turn to Kendall night.

Kendall night. Get your new pink Friday. Oh, you know, what's it? Speaking of Kendall and hide, I think we broke that guy Cameron, that guy Cameron Hermans that I was talking about last week. No, no, no, no, dude, Mad Cucks, you might be able to fill in the blanks on this one. But Cameron, he started talking shit again about the show about this show. And I told him to call in, just call in and, uh, and we'll hash it out because I want to ask you, I want to ask Cameron if he was the guy who was responsible for giving Maddix the idea of having this fucking retarded network where he's begging for user content. But not content, but shows, entire shows.

Like, you're not really doing anything. You're just putting up entire shows and trying to monetize them. It doesn't work because a network worked in the old days because that's all people had to watch. You had channel four, you had FM 101.1, that's all that there was on the dial. That's why you had a network that you wanted to be a part of. Now people can go listen to whatever they want to listen to. So a network, no, like, it happened to Howard Stern,

it happened to Adam Corolla, these guys launched these big things that they said were networks. Like now here's the Howard channel or the Adam Corolla podcast network, but I don't want to, I'll give it a listen, but if it's not good, like if it's not lightning in a bottle, I'm not gonna continue listening.

So like the return on the investment you put in your brand by putting out this quote unquote network, it's really just, here's some content that's not from me that I want to monetize. So I figured my assumption was that there was somebody who talked him into doing that. And I thought that was that guy, Cameron Herman's. So I was talking about it on the show. He starts tweeting, he starts talking shit again. Like he always talks shit, a little fucking potato face weirdo. And I said, come on the show so I can ask you these questions.

And he said, no, no, I don't want to come on the show. But then he starts adding me on G-Chat. Like I get these requests on G chat. And I start getting these private messages on Facebook, saying like, he tweets like, I'll, oh, I'll think now, I'll think about it until baby Dick replies to me on G chat. And like, dude, dude, what is G chat?

It's the, it's the I am thing for Google, for G man. I'm like, what is stuff? Yeah, it's the thing you never respond to whenever I I never used to ask you to if you want to grab lunch when you used to live in Hollywood and you live three blocks away from me and I'm like, Hey, I would like to grab a beer and you never responded. Randy's too many things. Listen, it's too many fucking things.

So this guy then goes on the subreddit and posts all this info about the biggest debate show that he's just a guy who knew a guy who worked at kendalline hide and tried to cram ads to the debate and he's not the guy that came up with the network that was quote all maddox's idea right so not he went on there and basically confirmed what i'm saying that they that well that he

is the guy cramming ads on this network but he wasn't the guy who came up with the network. So there's a new guy. There's a new guy that I need to find who planted the seed of that wasn't you Randy. I know it wasn't you. You don't have to confirm that. I know you wouldn't come up with something this fucking stupid because Randy is a smart business guy. Randy would just say, no dummy. Just write a book every year. If you wrote ever if Maddox had written a book every year. If you wrote ever, if Maddox had written a book every year for 10 years, it'd be a fucking millionaire. It's what people wanted. Or you know, hey, write a pilot

or some sort of musical rock opera. Yeah, we could get out there for that. No, no, no, no, no, but he can't write that down. I feel like that's something I would say. And, you know, we have actors and financing available if you would just write this thing. You're talking about me now. Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

All right, Maddox, we gotta get some shorts that we can get out there, waxed trees, so I gotta distract Randy. I gotta distract Randy now. I gotta get him to give notes on Denzel's movie. That go ahead, plug your thing and thanks for calling in. Well, yeah, be sure to check out my new YouTube videos for through a picture on.com.

You get the Mac Talks box on my thousand dollars subscribers. Get a Maccuk box every month. It's like Luke Crate, but it's garbage that I don't want. Not garbage that some corporation doesn't want. And also, if you want better audio quality than the DIC show, be sure to check out my Patreon, patreon.com, forward slash Maccuk and follow along in my new book on Reddit.com.forth-r-forth-madcooks.

A lot of things he's plugging here. So, madcooks. And ready to keep sabotaging the audio. I gotta get more downloads. If you guys bad audio, it's better I can get good downloads. Madcooks has a video of his own personal crate. That, you know those stupid boxes,

that they fill up with shit and then ship to your house every month. I don't know. I don't know if they're any good or not. Mad Cuts made his own pain for one if he had some crowns in there. Oh, he can make it. There's a kid to make your own crown. I don't want to make my own crown. I want it already in there. Otherwise, why am I paying you for it? Well, you got to get joy of building your own stuff, ranch. Yeah. I built my network from nothing, from nothing. And now I have a great network. But when I listen to it, I'm paying for the finished product. Yeah. Well, I don't know what is there another level I can get where you'll come to my house and tell me how to build the crown. Yeah. I guess

if you want to like pledge more than a thousand,000 and shoot me an email, we can probably talk about it. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Mad Cux. He's got this box that he'll send you that's full of shit like a play of URL where you can go to download a signed picture of Mad Cux. And he's this is how fun. No, this is how funny this guy is as he's loading up the things in his box

He says here's the URL and he flashes it very briefly But if you pause it somebody paused it on YouTube and actually went to the URL It's an additional joke like it is and it's a special Kendall and Hyde like pink manpers sale He's so fucking funny. All right. I would love to know if he actually would send something of someone signed up for that thousand dollar Patreon level. Oh, yeah. That guy is as committed to.

Oh, one way to find out. He's more committed to his character than I am. Okay, let's get to the good stuff. Randy, you brought in some notes for Denzel's movie. And for anybody who does a Salmeme is a gross understatement. Yeah. Anybody who hasn't been following Denzel said that he could write a better and funnier

comedy movie than both the hangover two and the hangover three, which were terrible movies. I think we did break that Cameron guy. Oh yeah. Well, because he's, then he's like, he's private messaging me, that he wants to come on as saying that he, he says, here's how I know that he's not thinking right. The exact quote is, would love to come on your own show and destroy you. And I say, yeah, but you didn't put an eye in there. Like when people mean what they say, they put eye

in front of what they say, they say, I am sorry, or I would love to help you with this, or I couldn't make it. When they're lying and when they're shitty liars, they just say sorry sorry, they say would love to be there, would love to make it, would love to do this. They don't say I because like in their brain, they can't imagine themselves doing it. So they just use the words.

Sounds like someone armchair, psychologizing. Randy, that's all I do on the show, man. But you tell me, go through your email and look for people who don't use the word I. They're lying. Go, you find everybody listening, find something that somebody, like find somebody who in hindsight was lying to you

and go through their texts and emails and you will find a lack of an I because people can't, they have this shorts, they have this catch in their brain, like the secret Easter egg that God put in our brains where you can't, it's very difficult to lie to someone or to say something that you don't mean. So like they, it twists their language by the time they get it to you.

They're like that stupid little gold that hobbit trying to get that right like, ah, squeezing it through. Like, I can't say aye, their body won't let them say aye, would love to destroy you in the podcast. It's just, would love to destroy you on your podcast. It cripples the strengths of the, the strength of their sentence. You see what I'm saying? That's a real thing. That's a real dick tip.

Go ahead. No, I don't know if I agree with that, because a lot of the time, at least where I used to work, I would just get retarded emails either way. And it's not necessarily people lying so much as them being bad at typing emails, like having poor grammar, poor sentence structure. And they would leave the things out like,

I, it's like, oh, do you want to go to lunch today? Yeah. Yeah. Love to get some lunch. Okay. Like things like that. Made sense, Carrie's a little bit less weight. Love, loving to get lunch, then,

would love to come on your podcast and destroy you after saying the opposite on Twitter. Like it seems like on Twitter, he bitched out and then he got into private and it was like trying to fill me out, feel me out to see if I was just putting on an act for drama, which I'm fucking not anyway. Denzel, you said you were going to write a movie. Yes. That was funnier than the hangover 2 and 3.

Yes. And you wrote a movie. Yes. Called The Long Con. Yes. Which is 65 pages. Did you. Called the long con. Yes. Which is a 65 pages. Did you not get the full one? Oh, you got the full one. And Randy read it. I brought in Hollywood hot shot. Randy. Uh oh. Who, who, who everybody who's responsible for the iTunes screw up on the old show, right? Is that what? I apologize for that.

We don't need to dig that back up. We can let that go. Okay, he am here. I'm here. I'm here, baby. Oh man. Do you know how much gas there is stored up in your, there's more gas in Randy's little finger

than I have in my whole body. That's a lot of gas. Randy is like, you're just like this sweltering Macy's day balloon of goss. You are. No, you are. No, you are. You're.

Randy, because Randy knows it from both sides. Like imagine, imagine the goss that's in Randy's mind. This is the mind of a Hollywood hotshot when he gets so much gas. Like if Randy's, it's like there's like a dance. He's like the Hoover Dam of gas holding it and you can't let any of it out. Can't. You can't manage my personal and professional reputation. And you actually have one to damn.

I like that you idiots. Oh, like there's a 10 million questions that even I would love to know from you. Like what was like, okay, okay, you're on this. But there is a, there is a two page through or three page single spaced document, email that Maddox sent that he has problems with me of doing. And we all met and Maddox went, read me the entire list one by one and made me address. Randy has a copy of that. I believe.

Do I? I do. I think you do. You bastard. My point is Randy is the, he's the god said. He's the Omacron. I mean, what was that big? I didn't miss him.

We all used to just hang out and grab drinks together. That's never happening again. Okay. But you've got notes for Denzel's movie. You're not just a long-con. W-w-w-w-w. You've got notes for Denzel's movie. Yeah. I mean...

So, Furt, let me ask you. Let me ask you, is it better than the hangover 2 or the hangover 3? Because that's what he said he was going to write. Well, let me ask you this. What did you like about the hangover two and three? Honestly, two, nothing. Three was three the one where they were in Thailand. No, that was two.

That was two. What was three? I don't even know. I didn't see three. Honestly, two, I didn't, I can't say that I liked all that much about it. Like I really liked, uh, uh, uh, Alan. Yeah. That Zach Galafanakis.

Yeah. Okay. I'll tell, Denzel, I'll tell you what I liked about your movie, because I've read the script as well. Oh, sorry. I, damn. Oh, man. That's a hard shame. What would you do if he talked like that on the basketball court? I would Damn. Oh man. Cockish. That's a hard shape.

What would you do if he talked like that on the basketball court? I would just, Coward fear. Fucking am. Body him. Yes, check it. When I get on the basketball court, my goal is to gut whoever's guarding me.

I just want to gut them. Okay, anyway, as an aside. I love that the secretary in your movie goes by the name secretary. Yes. I hate it when women and movies have names. I just want them to be called. I want it to be secretary or wife or woman. If they don't have either of the, that's it. And that's what I loved about your script. This, she just goes by secretary at the end. Randy, go ahead. I mean, look, you know, I think the things, it was hangover two or three good movie, probably

not, right? But at the same time, it had moments where it was at least trying to be shocking, you know, whether that paid off or not. This felt so by the book, just straight down the middle. It's like, meh, whatever. And for me to go through this and give page by page notes or whatever, I think I would bore the hell out of all the listeners. So I kind of want to just start off.

Denzel, tell everyone what is the general story here? A drug deal is going down at a comic book convention and some things go rye. Right. You don't have to play coy with them. They're never gonna read this. They're never going to read this. They're never going to see this. Danzel, they're definitely going to read it.

Yeah, that's fine. So that's why it should be teased out. Yeah. Why is it at a comic book convention? Oh, really? Randy, because the long con. Did you not hear that title? You don't hear how funny that title is?

The long, I thought the blackout was way funnier. Maybe I should write blackout. Yeah, you should. I know if you can though Maybe I should write black. Yeah, you should see, but it's got. I can though. Then Zell definitely. Yeah, that's so much. Genzel, are you interested in writing blackout with me? He has three other things I need him to write first.

I got to tell you, yeah, but I love my passion is in blackout. And it will look, it will look a little weird if a basically white guy who always saying he's Mexican is writing a Tyler Perry movie called blackout. I mean, to be it to be a Tyler Perry movie, you would need to have like the evil dark skin black man and the and the soulful, very nice light skinned man and just some woman running around in a dress who's really a man. See some woman.

I love it all. That's going to be her name in this grip. Some woman. Yeah, I love this back and forth, but I still haven't gotten an answer. So why it's a Comic Con. There's no, no particular reason. Exactly. There's no reason it's a Comic Con.

Is that, is that like a thing? That's supposed to, I thought you just, why did the drug dealer pull out of his ass Comic Con because he wanted to go? I was, it's like it's Mexico. Randy, I don't know if you know this, but drugs are flooding into Mexico. They're sending in criminals, they're sending in drugs. Some are good people, but they're sending in a ton

of drugs across the border. And that's all in San Diego. Randy, and I'll be honest, I'm biased because I thought this was the greatest script I've ever read. I was trying to get these two Jack Assis to do a Comic Con episode. Oh, multiple times. That would have been cool. Haha, yeah.

That would have been cool. I'm living great. What are you looking at me for? I thought that would have been a great idea. Oh, I don't want to go to Comic Con. I hate those people. Oh, because you know, Maddox is never going to do anything like that down there. Get the fuck out of here with that.

So essentially, it's like, if you've ever noticed being down at Comic Con one, it's impossible to get in contact with people once you're inside the hall, to there's just tons of people everywhere. So you can't, if you see your friends standing across the street from you and people across in the street, next minute they're gone. Like you can't.

Well, the other hidden behind all the Jesus warriors out there, picketing. Yeah, yeah. Or just wherever, it's tough. Like it just provides a, and plus you're not a weirdo if you're in costume anyway. So, a certain level of damage. So I think maybe elaborating the anonymity of everything.

And an enemy. What a Randy. Whatever. You guys, I'm going to give you some notes. I'm three Takate's deep, all right? And a little Tequila. Listen, elaborating a little bit of that. Because again, some of the stuff with all the scene transition,

it was just like, well, all of a sudden, I'm in my hotel room, and then the next minute, I'm meeting with the drug dealer with no transitions in between. So it was very like, well, all of a sudden I'm in my hotel room, and then the next minute I'm meeting with the drug dealer with no transitions in between. So it was very jarring for a reader. Okay. But I think, you know, on the whole, this was your first script you read? Yes.

Yes. Yeah, very first. Amazing job. Yeah. Amazing job. I would say the fact that you actually did it is 70% of the battle. That's the.

Was it good? Hell no. Oh, that's aay. All the characters were basically written the same nothing made sense the plot was all over You know aside from a few parts at the very beginning with furries. Yeah, did you like that? I thought that was funny It made no sense to anything. Okay. Hey, I have a drug deal next scene now. I'm in a furry suit because doing the drug deal. Why? This is my hobby. I don't. Yeah.

Like I understand what you're saying. I have no idea how to write a script as it turns out. No, no. I don't know. Well, look, most people don't on the first try. And that's what I would say. It's, you know, did you think that you would be Michael Jordan going out there? The very first time you played basketball as a kid.

I think it's a much harder shotly shot up and jam guy. Yeah. Yeah. It's a muscle. You got to work on it. Yeah, that's true You know, yeah, if you want to do this and you know this for anyone you got to keep exercising it like a muscle to you know to that point I've actually been writing not skips, but actually just writing Are you serious? I'm dead serious. Wait, do you want to write this script? Are you going to take Randy's notes back and fix up your script? I can't.

Here's what you do. Throw this away and write a whole other script. No, I'm serious. It would be regardless of anything. And then you write that, you throw that away, you write something else. Write five to seven, because your first five to seven scripts are going to be complete shit. You know, I know writers who have written dozens dozens of scripts and they didn't even want to share it with anyone until they got

To a point where they really felt like their characters and their voice and their story was really going out there and You know through that process you understand what your personal voices you understand more about You know what your strengths are and you can kind of push on that and what stories you love to put out there. And that just helps you more so. You know. Then, Zell, you also got us, and when you're describing the women in the script, you've got to say how big their boobs are. Every single time I got to reading about the secretary or Alex and I'm like, well, I get I read it. I'm like, well, how big are her boobs going into this scene?

I call my supposed to see what's going on with this story. I don't know how pictures. No, no, no, no, I don't want pictures. I don't want pictures because they'll wreck the fantasy in my mind. Because then I'll just see those tits and I'll fix it with that character forever. I want to use my imagination. I just need like kind of a guideline. I don't need exact sizes either. I just need like, oh, they were like, she had boobs like happy cantaloupes.

Playfully holstered in a, in a, in a, what's a, in a, in a, I don't know any modern references to female characters in a reboot of Inspector Gad, no, that's, that's the real thought of this one. Yeah. But that's what you need. Every scene needs that. I need to imagine that in my mind. Okay. To really hook me, because I need to know how distracted these guys are. Like, what, what can this chick get away with?

Do you need to say how hot every chick is in the script? Okay. That's my advice. Okay. Don't throw it out, Randy, saying right many more stuff. Start out. You only need to look. It was, it's, it's probably the funniest, the best script I've ever read.

Well, how many? It's among the top five. He's read four. And I love the title. Yeah, I think the title is, the title is a hit. All you need is a more formulaic plot and characters. That's what you need. Reason, you know, rationality behind certain things. I still have absolutely no idea what their plan was. That's fair, that's fair.

Are you gonna punch this up? I can't. Do you want to? Do you want to throw it away? Write a new thing. Do you, well, do you want, if if Randy's saying to throw it away I'm willing to option this so that the patronis can read it Okay, all right are you up for that we can have a discussion after the show

Let's talk about it after let's talk about it after the show But I want to give the fans a payoff so they can read this masterpiece Yes, we give up the script the Patreon-y should be into. What about some sort of rock opera that some sort of comic genius who also happens to play a couple of musical instruments and can sing might want to do? This was the reverse sandbag that he played. No, I'm just curious because, you know, as a client, I'm like, well, how can we get you out there? How can you talk about me? Yeah. Yeah. as a client, I'm like, well, how can we get you out there?

How can you talk about me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm working on scripts for you. Hold on, is it? I've been working on that for the past three years. So, oh, if I get a script out before Maddox's book. Yeah. Yeah, it's amazing.

Anything to work on. That's fair. Yeah. Okay, I'll get you a script before Maddox gets you to get out. You have two, well, you have that other half hour pilot that I thought was pretty awesome that you just kind of need to punch up the pot Yeah, okay. Yeah, all right. I'll get you something before series You're right at the verge of crushing. Yeah, some of them's coming out

I mean for the people who don't know and I mean look I know you've talked about you know the SimProv stuff, but you were crushing it there You were yeah, it's great. I had five to 10 people coming out from Long Beach, South Bay, all over LA, just to see you chanting your name in the rafters when you would come out. Yeah. That's why I'm so fucking pissed. It's someone, man, who, you know, may have gotten you your own custom championship belt. I don't know what What? Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. There's a lot.

So, I feel like it's now on you to showcase your brandy talking about tournament nerds. The people would come out just to see me do it. And people online say it's a cringe fest. And I liked it. It was a funny show. I loved it. They're right based on the video that's online.

Because it's a live show and live shows don't translate to video. That was, I went to the video that's online because it's a live show and live shows don't translate to video That was I went to the one that was Christmas in 2014 I think where if he had his dick out That was that was my interest. Yeah, he was rude. Dude that guy's dick was red. Is that weird for black guys? I don't know about I don't know about like I assume That the dicks I see in porn from black dudes are like either fake or like manufactured to look that size. They're not normal dicks.

You know what I mean? Like I don't think, I don't think that's representative of a black guy's dick. If he's dick was very red. If he a black comedian's dick was very red, is that normal? Uh, I think it was painted. You think it black comedians, Dick was very red. Is that normal? I do think it was painted. I do think it was painted.

You think it was painted? It was rude off. So he planned it in advance to take, all right, anyway, this is getting into a weird. And look, I'll always be very thankful that for that one Christmas, you came out as a turbo man, which was one of my favorite holiday moves. I'm like, dude, if you came out as turbo man,

that would be awesome. And you did. I didn't do very well in that one. I'll put it back. Wait, for real, do you want to get into that? Yeah, we do. I mean, people don't have access to this guy. Yeah, I'm down.

Like, this is, when I say Hollywood hot shot, this isn't like my life coach, where he's just a guy that I get in drunk driving accidents with. This is, I get in career accidents with Randy. Okay. I mean, I'm down. I'm down.

Oh, it'll probably be something completely different from that. Okay. What's it gonna be? What do you think it was better than your hangover too? You think Dan's gonna, oh. Okay. I'm pretty sure I at least laughed once

during the hangover too. And this I was just palm to the face in the entire time It is because you're actually a pretty funny guy. Thank you. I just you are a funny guy to translate it It's hard for you to write white people. Yeah, I'm joking I'm joking Or all people as it as it were do you think that's something that's salvageable? or all people as it were. Do you think that's something that's salvageable?

Again, it's your first time, and I think people get caught on like trying to be too precious to their first script, push it aside, write something else. If, you know, a couple of scripts down the road, you're like, hey, I like certain aspects of that. You can pull those and write a completely new story. Okay.

Don't get too precious with this. All right. Good advice. Mr. Don't get too precious with this. All right. Good advice. Mr. Hollywood hot shot. What's your next script going to be better than this? You call this is like Babe Ruth pointing pointing into left field. And then he takes a takes a cut. I think we should do like who's going to finish the script?

They're a script first you or Denzel. I mean, I can, I can, I don't like it when it's on me, Randy. I only like it when other people are getting put on the camera. I can turn out some more bullshit quickly. You wanna race? Maybe you write a script? Well, if it has to meet,

I will, it has to meet, if it has to meet certain quality standards, like that's not for me. No, it has to be, people have to read it and your name has to be attached to it. I will write a script and you will write a script. Can I put, can I put our scripts on the Patreon? Are you okay with that or will that fuck up the ability to sell it?

Go for it. Okay, I will write a script and you will write a script, we'll both put them up on the Patreon and we'll see who's is better. People will vote. A movie, a fucking movie. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Just based on Randy's feedback alone, like I can tell that I have a long work to do. You're gonna get discouraged from just that. Why don't even bother writing it? No, no, it's not, it's me having to work up to a point where it will actually be competitive, right?

Like I can't, I'm not gonna be able to come up. I'm not gonna be able to come up. I'm not gonna be able to come up. I'm not gonna be able to come up. I'm not gonna be able to come up. I'm not gonna be able to come up. I'm not gonna be able to come up. I'm not gonna be able to come up. I'm not gonna be able to come up. I'm not gonna be able been at it for a while. I thought that to 140 characters. That's my limit. Any more than that, I lose it. I totally lose it.

So you save three characters at the end of just right. Sad. You don't want to take this bet? Ah, what have you got to lose? Nothing. All right. Let's do it. Wow. Yeah. What's at stake? We got to have something at stake. I have no idea. What's important to you, basketball, you got to let me slam dunk on you in basketball. And then you got to sit there. It doesn't, doesn't matter how high I can jump.

You got to stand there. If whoever loses has to get slam dunked on and they have to look at the camera and go like, nothing I could do about it. They have to look that like, that like really chump look of like, huh, just slam dunked on me. Nothing I could do. Since you're both writing,

won't you just have the winner get to write a monologue the loser has to read? Okay, that's good. All right. All right, let me, let me get to some great fan stuff before this equipment fails on me again. This is a black pill remix sent in by Lequembra.

We're in an age now where you will have seen someone's name and you'll have never set it out loud for weeks at a time. I'll take you up on that bed by the way. Better script. Other person has to read an apology written by them. Okay. I always love that bit and the biggest problem. We never got to do it.

More than that one time, that reading and apology thing. It's pretty good. That's a great bit. I came up with that. Okay, this is the Black Pill Remix featuring Mike Cernovich. I can't wait while I'm gonna take my pill, pill, pill, pill. Pills, boo, boo, pills, red pills, black pills, fucking shields, got to get that money with my sobbing dead. bitch. You're dealing with the best, yeah King of Monkman got the NSA hook up so the spies on the Twitter I'm a self-made man, fuck me while I'm playing, bitch Let's take a little Greek and a Prince name, Sean, and all my young dickets make you wish you never born

Got my main man, hey, yeah, you would never cook, I swear open up, but I got it Blackdill motherfuckers Yeah Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy.

This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. This is fucking guy. I'm not a steady. I mean, thanks, everybody. That was about a 70s for fun. I got all of a sudden. No, I just got these fights on me. God, for some reason, God or perhaps Satan

gave me the ability to be louder than any mother fucker on earth. I don't have to strangle to shout. I don't think there's anyone louder than me. Without amplification, I have no other national anthem I have no choice Make it quick, make it glory, make it slick Make it money, gotta catch em all I get the dollar, pitch it glory Telling me the dollar means, see the size dreams, rest the price, put the screen with my knives, teams No one ever thought I'd have other numbers, could be pressier Hell, no one ever thought we'd come in in a present year

Personal professional, sexual, anyway you'll look at it my reputation See the strength of those who get in here, dummy, come here man and down the rears, everybody say yeah, if you get a dick in here Do you wanna see it? Do you wanna give me a review? I wanna see it, I wanna see it I want to see how good it is. I'm curious. Yeah, you want to see it? I want to start making.

Yeah. How should we do it? You're the manager. That's heavy. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

That's a good one. It makes you gay. It was so infatuated with it. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. He makes you gay. He was so infatuated with it. That's it. How should we do it? You're Mr. Reffetzel there. I think my wife just still can't wrap my head around how infatuated Sean was. Well, don't you want to see the dick thing?

I don't. Don't you want to see that dick cloner? Not really. Randy, give me a fucking break. You're a man. Don't fucking talk to me like you don't want to see a dick cloning machine and how it works. And like a big dildo of your own erect penis. Man, that's what, you know why hunters mount moose heads and crocodile heads or whatever they mount over their horse heads?

Because that is, that is an abstraction of their own penis. They went out into the wild, big game hunters, and they killed that animal with a metallic exploding penis called a gun, and then they took that animal and took it to a taxidermist that uses a sharp metal penis called a knife and turned it into a shrine above their mantle of their own penis.

Why not skip all the middlemen and just make a silicone replica of your dick at its hardest and just stick it right above the bed. So there's no surprises. By the time you get into the bedroom, there you go. That's what you, and that's it at its finest, because sometimes you're working leather down there. You understand? Sometimes you've had, I don't know, you two, you two young bucks. I don't know if you know about this, but sometimes you're just trapping a little bit of leather down there

after you're going through three-fourths of a bottle of wild turkey. They don't make the fucking wild turkey bottles the right size. Did you know, they think... Is that the right size? No, this is the size that Randy brought a bottle of wild turkey bottles the right size. Did you know, they think- Is that the right size? No, this is the size that Randy bought brought a bottle of wild turkey. It's a regular size. You bought a 750 wild turkey over here,

but they need like an alcoholic size because I'm left, I noticed when I moved that I've got a dozen bottles now in my liquor pantry, in my liquor cabinet, what I call my Ark of the Covenant that sits above the fridge that have like 15% of the booze remaining in them. So I need a bottle size, I need a bottle size, a man size, it doesn't have that little remainder in the end.

Do I need like a seven-hundred-hundred drink it. I got a point. Oh, okay. Okay, man. Don't fucking, don't you tell me how to drink? I don't think I was ever more disappointed in realizing my half Mexican friend over here didn't drink tequila. I don't drink tequila. I don't know. I just drink whiskey and scotch.

Well, I got a fan sent in some hair doora a while ago. We can go upstairs and pound that after this. And the show's over. Let's go upstairs and pound that after this. Yeah, the show's over. Let's go. The show's over. All right. I'm gonna read some fans of Ali Hassanine says,

dick, I gotta thank you. Dick, I gotta say, I think you were writing Sean a little hard last episode. It was interesting to hear your take on things, but you have to remember that Sean's relationship with those guys is not the same as yours, but I know the people involved. Look, you know what? Well, Sean's relationship with those guys is not the same as yours, but I know the people involved. Look, you know what?

Well, Sean's a professional. Yeah, shot after. Maybe I was writing a little hard, but it did result in a text after the show saying, hey, can we talk from Sean? Is that why he's not here? It's not why he's not here. It's not why he's not,

I told you he was doing that World War II reenactment thing that he always does. Where he's been saying that lock up Japanese people in internment camps. I'm lucky I got out alive. Ross, Texan, Alice. Not yet. Wait till we build that wall. Q-tip the nose, Dick. Also get one of those $10 nose hair trimmers from office depot or staples. I'm reading about nose hair trimming on this show now. Let's see here. Aaron Lewis says this past week, there was a promise of a special gift at work.

If you attended an optional briefing, I'm a videographer. I had to document the briefing anyway, so I attended. This guy is a special gift at his work. He goes up there in the sign-in sheet, there was a spot for a shirt size. Wow, how exciting. Today, I saw the palette of shirts in the freight elevator. I bet you can guess what the brand, the shirts,

where he's got a picture's big old gildin. Shirt bag, you know, gildin shirts. It's interesting you bring up shirts and shirt designs. Why? Because I haven't seen any of the, you know, things I sent you on your store. I released them slowly. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, I got it. You want to see a preview of a shirt design? Okay, hold on. I'll show you preview. Yeah, let's see it. All right. Is it one of the ones I sent you? Yeah.

Great. Which one? I'll show you. I don't want to talk about it though. I spent all of five minutes making it. Yeah, but it wasn't quite right. It wasn't quite right. It was like,

Nah, it wasn't quite right. I'll show you. It's debatable. Okay, here it is. Here is a preview. If you go to the DixTore shirt, if you go to the to the Dix Show shirt stores shop.thedixshow.com, you can see the shirts we got available. The artists do get a cut of everything you get of theirs.

Maximum, brand of maximum panic is designed to shirt in the store right now. Here is Randy's shirt. Denzel feast your eyes on that. Feast your beautiful eyes on that. Just those hot wheels. Oh, sorry, that's the wrong shirt. Okay. There's a preview of the next shirt that's going to be on the store.

Ooh. That's pretty nice. That's pretty nice. That's great. That's great. Great, all right? That'll be... That's right, that was that you?

Ready? I gave him the inspiration. Oh, that's fantastic. This guy's a man in many talents over here. She's he comes on podcasts and Tarets shits on people's dreams. Yeah, right in front of their face. He designs shirts and his all time. All right everybody This one's from the rage hey dick you fucking pussy ice age is one of the best movies of all time But you're such a fucking idiot that you can't get past the shitty animation. Oh, the animation looks kind of shitty. Maybe that's because it came out in 2002 for its time.

It was amazing. Also, who cares about the animation? The story is perfect. The character arcs are well-defined and easy to, um, easy to full while still remaining complex, presenting challenges, ideas, and moral decisions in a fun, exciting way. Did the franchise get exploited for every penny manipulating the group in a grotesque caricatures of their former selves in order to sell shitty merchandise

and set up money grabbing sequels? Yeah, but I say the original was tits. Go fuck yourself. Also, Sean and Denzel need to lighten up. Stories about other people's kids are fucking good for this soul. Every time you talk about your nephew, I get a smile on my face.

Who fucking cares if the kid doesn't score 1,000 before there's six birthday? The kid's stored, if the kid scored one goal in Little League that is dad watched, think about how happy that made the parents and how it made them feel like the kid. No? Fuck them.

Fuck the parents? Yeah, I don't wanna hear about that. Yeah. And save it for other parents who actually have a heart. Yeah, but see, that's why we got you, Denzel, because you have to hear it. Because you have to, because hanging out, this is the social contract.

Let me break down the social contract for you. You, I know that you're here, because you need me to hear your stories. And so I try to give, I try to tell you my stories and suck the maximum amount of attention from that. You know what I'm saying? Like I'll tell you good stories and we'll have a laugh but every once in a while, I'll slide in a story

that I know you hate just because I need it because it feels good for me. And the long term friendship means whittling that down until all utility is sucked out of that relationship. the long term friendship means whittling that down to the bit until all utility is sucked out of that relationship, right? So every time you get a good story, know that there's a kid story coming up.

That's all I'm saying. All right. This has been the Dick Show, go to thedickshow.com. Do not go to dickshow.com. If you wanna play it safe, go to dick.show. Check us out on patreon.com slash the dick show. Denzel, thanks for coming by. You got anything to plug?

Thank you for having me. I will be starting a podcast on January 5th. What? Yes. No shit. Based on what? Based on just, I want to say it's just being incredibly mean about things.

Hmm. Yeah. There's a lot of things that I still need to work out with it. I wanna say it's just being incredibly mean about things. Yeah, there's a lot of things that I still need to work out with it, but we're getting there. I've recorded it. What's the name? It's Real Nerd Hours. Real Nerd Hours.

Yes. Why is it Real Nerd Hours? Where's that come from? There's a rap song called Real Niga Hours. Oh, okay. So this is for people who get the reference of the Real Niga Hours and who are also hardcore nerds. Not necessarily the two are mutually exclusive.

Okay. Yeah. Is this just for you to listen to yourself talk? No, I have another person on there. I think it should just be you. Really? Yeah. Just me. Hey think it should just be you. Really? Yeah. Just me.

Hey, it's Denzel and the other Denzel. You guys are just soothing voice. Thank you. Like when I hear, I listen to the show, I hear myself screaming interrupting your voice and it's just like, nails on fucking glass. Nails on a chalkboard made out of glass. All right. So check out, come back on and talk about your show.

Yeah, yeah. This has been the Dick Show, this is Dick Masterson, I wish Sean was here because a lot of troubles would be in the top place. A fucking fancy ass. He's actually recording a big band, he's got a big gig that he's doing right now, so he's not at the show. Not on this show. See you next Tuesday.

I miss that guy. Presenting! How about that remix? That was great. That was the thing was fucking great. It's due to voice man. Those fan things are amazing man. They are. The fans of the show. The fans of the show. Just wanted to let you know, in case you didn't already know,

Maddox is a gigantic cucklorn for stealing the RSS feed or whatever. I was a huge fan. I apologize. I was the biggest problem in the universe. And I hated it. When it ended, just like everyone else did. I was the biggest problem in the universe. And I hated it when it ended just like everyone else did. It was really sad. But you know, a couple of weeks later, he starts his brand new network, you know, the best debate in the universe, man, person, advocate, whatever. So I start listening to that and I'm like, eh, it's not as good and there's

no dick, but you know, at least I have something to listen to, you know, that I remember. I've been a fan of Maddox since I was like 15 years old reading his his articles on the internet and high school. And then suddenly a week ago your sponsored content finally hits my Facebook feed, a talking about your show and I'm like what the fuck this has a show? I was so happy and so pissed at the same time. How did I not find out about this? So I go to marathon your show because Maddox never talks about any kind of drama on his show You reveal all the gossip on your show. Yeah, find out what's really going on because red is not all shit that's going on Now I'm pissed off and I basically hate Maddox forever and I've liked it since I was 15 years old But anyway great show great thing going on love the show a marathon and get through right now

I'm through episode 25. It's fucking fantastic It's your better than Maddox's show. You're better than the biggest problem. That's how good your show is. I laughed so hard. I haven't laughed my ass off since listening to the biggest problem in the universe. And I'll tell you what else. One more thing about you being America's wingman.

Yeah. I am terrible at getting laid. I can talk to women. I can meet women. But I just cannot close the fucking deal. I listen to your show for a week. I get laid Oh, I think not keep doing what you're doing Dude nothing makes me happier than guys getting laid from something I've said

Being on the show hasn't helped me get laid Dr You don't. Dr. Whale. Well, you got, you had a, the story you told last time you were on with that girl who thought you were like slipping, I don't know, Rufanol into her drinks. But buddy, the point that, the point I should have stuck on when you told that story is that you've been dating her for nine months, nine weeks before that. Bro, you got, you got some problems. You got a ditch. If, I mean, honestly, this sounds like a little likacy,

but if you have not at least hooked up with a girl after three dates or seen some kind of indication of intimacy, you got a bail. Okay. Because you're not, it's not a puzzle. Women are not a puzzle that you're there to figure out. Like they are in a global sense where, you know, you should figure out what they're saying and how to respond to that. Like if they're, like when they say, oh, like is everybody? It's time to fuck them. But like one-on on one, a woman, women are a puzzle.

A woman is a pain in the ass. That's my motto for life. Like, and if it's not working out with that one after three dates, man, you're out of there. I don't care how big her boobs are. Or you said she had some kind of an education that attracted you or something. Like, I don't care.

And that doesn't matter. You gotta just bail. Cause even if you're a catch, I don't care. And that doesn't matter. You got to just bail. Because even if you're a catch, you play basketball aggressively. Maybe it's screenplay. You're right. You're right screenplay. You're a real, huh?

You're a, hey, can he say that, can Denzel say Randy that you represent? Oh, but you can say that you were refused representation by Randy. That's something to tell these chicks around here. No, buddy, but you got to bail out next time you're on. Let's talk about your love life. Okay.

Because I was thinking about it after the show and I felt bad for missing that nine week thing. Like, that's way too long. Yeah. How many times did you see her in that amount of time? Uh, it was like two or three times a week. Jesus. Yeah. Dense up. Well, 18 times.

The thing is, and this is, dude, I'm real corny, but it's like, we really got along. And a lot of what we were talking about was had to do with computer science. And like, dude, you get along with women when you're not trying to fuck them. They're a research. All they do is get along. Yeah. It's great.

You can hang out. You can talk. I mean, you can shoot the shit with them. You can text them all fucking day when you're not trying to fuck them. But the second, if you try to fuck them, that's when it's hard to get along with them. Like if you're getting along with a woman, you're not, you're in, that's the bad way to go. Even if, I don't care if you've been married for 40 years, you're not, you're in, that's the bad way to go. Even if, I don't care if you've been married for 40 years, you never hear a guy be like,

yeah, we get along great. It's like, it works. The fuck it works. I get what I need. She gets what she needs. It's every fucking time, every second you're with him is a negotiation. Uh, 18, 18 weeks is too long. Bale, Bale faster.

You got any other of these girls in the wing that you're stringing along like that? No, no, but I am, I'm gearing up to revamp by dating profiles and shit online. Isn't this pathetic that we have to do that? Yeah. Randy, you do that too. Look, you're a Hollywood hot shot.

You know, you just, the hot, the cheque spoiler. A little bit of a shock. Like the Japanese fans over here. He punches the jukebox. Yeah. He pinoe chops a karaoke. Ladies, chops a karaoke machine. And it's start boys to men comes on.

And he starts singing. Or Elvis said, do you karaoke? No. No, good for you. Just degenerate. I love it. My favorite thing to get, my favorite thing to hear is that I helped a guy get laid.

Even more than getting pictures of women's tits, which I also get and that is great. Hey, Gix, long time listen, a first time caller, Alex here, calling in with my fucking rage today. Fucking H-O-A. Fuck you with your goddamn arbitrary bullshit fucking rules. I've heard this problem.

You could call my fucking life. I gotta deal with these fucking shit heads on a daily fucking basis. Oh, you left your fucking trash cans out on the street for a day too long. 50 fucking dollars. Cause that makes fucking sense. Oh, you left your fucking Halloween decorations up till November 3rd. $150 fucking fine. Fuck you. I'm enhancing the fucking neighborhood of my decorations and they want to say I'm detracting the fucking property value of the community. Well fuck them for their bullshit fucking rules. Did these people not have anything better to do than sit around all fucking day coming

up with this shit? Like they just drive around and that's their fucking life like, coming up with this shit like they just drive around and that's their fucking life like oh look at this shit bag over here you left this fucking dumpster out what a piece of shit I'm gonna have to find in fifty dollars now I feel like a fucking man fuck that you in an H.O.A. you guys rock now keep up the great work no No, we're runnings with my joy neighbor. Uh, no, but I met I met all the other neighbors. This is how I purposefully parked right in the middle. Good. Two spots. Good. Good. I can't wait. You know, it is dude. It's a, we're

in a new world of bullying. Like you go, you think about what is a bully and you think of like a football jock, right? from high school, but the new, the new age of bullies are like, are like old gay men who have like, it's, it's all about guilt now and manipulating are like like an old gay guy, like a wrinkly old feminist with this, these are the bullies now and people like me who are the stereotypical looking bully. We're not that we're the people getting picked on now. We're the we're the disenfranchised me and Denzel. Like Denzel's got this chick who's stringing him along for 20.

She knows that you want to fuck her. She knows and nobody she knows she knows so much that you want to have sex with her. She's checking her drinks for drugs, but she's still stringing you along like if that's a bully, that's a bully. Take take like they're he's a sap for you know, follow along. I mean, she's winning this contest. See, it's the same. It's the same. It's not good. She's a lady. You're not good with ladies. Not at all. All right. He's one from spicy Tony. He's an old he's a favorite Hey, Jack, just want to let you know small at all fans. No, I will reveal my

Reasons for going to jail before I go in January 6th Going in still got to figure out the telephone. She had a call in line. Uh, right. And I'm probably, what do you think you're gonna, then you will be a identity on Reddit or fucking email. What's the last person I've ever real identity? I guess. Yeah, whatever. I'm gonna forget that shit out.

And dick, uh, I'll give back to you. It can't be like a violent crime because they lock you up for those right away, right? We'd have to be something that I don't know. Like I would imagine that if you've done like, don't they have to wait till you've been proven guilty before they lock you up? Or they just lock you up right away? I think they can let you sit in jail for X amount of time.

They can't send you to prison, but they can just let you rot for a little bit. All right. Um, well, I let us, I hope you call in before you go into the big house, the ho- the ho- who's cow, the ho- the ho-ki and let us- the- the pokie and let us know what you, uh, what you did. Oh man, fucking Sean, he better be back next week.

This was him. Does it get PTO? This is a fucking nightmare. Does it get PTO? No! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. He gets a he gets a BUA and boot up the S. Fair enough. All right.