The Dick Show - Episode 29 – Dick on World Peace

Episode Date: December 20, 2016

Download the MP3 My Life Coach ruins my Christmas party, a SECRET SKETCH from Sam Hyde, the Jerk-Off Time Warp, the drive to pee outside, thinking like a hot chick, crossing guards, lady-dentists and why they are out to get you, Tequila, how to ruin a Ted Talk, Charity Regret, eliminating all prisons, The Apple … Continue reading "Episode 29 – Dick on World Peace" The post Episode 29 – Dick on World Peace appeared first on The Dick Show.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you love Dick, you want Dick, you got it! It's the show! Where everything is a contest time, your host Dick Masterson, with me is always is Sean the audio engineer. Hello, Dick! This is the only show with Sean the audio engineer! I was waiting for that! The only podcast in the world where you can experience Sean the audio engineer in all of his glory

and all of his golden glory, like a golden god. It is glorious today. Let me tell you about this morning. It is glorious today. Sean, welcome back to the program. Thank you. Man, I would say we had audio issues when you weren't here, but then since you've been back, they've, they've quadrupled.

Yeah, my no. They've, they've multiple inside. I'm very, yeah, I'm very efficient at creating output. Yeah, what's, what's going on, man? We got a, we got to go through and integrate this software with other software. We got to do something. Look, it'll work. Good. It'll work. Welcome back. Welcome back. There was a lot of chatter about why you were gone last week. Yes. People thought I was pushing you too hard.

No. Before. That wasn't it. No, that wasn't it. No. Some people were saying you were at a war reenactment. I want to hear about that. I was saying that.

I think it was him. Were you? Yeah, people. You do that. People were saying. No, no, no. I won't get to that. Let me tell you what makes me rage this week though. Fucking Christmas parties. Okay. People were saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I came here, but. And this is, this is what happens when you have a Christmas party.

You have got, you have got to go from friend to friend to beg them to come to your fucking party. You think this is, this is a, this is a, this is a, all the sudden everyone is the bell of the ball. All of this sudden everyone is the prom queen and they have options of what to do. That for your Christmas, I'm like, look, motherfucker, just come to the party. Just come to my fucking party. Don't make me feel, don't make me feel like I'm cutting a deal over here for you to come. Just, it's not, it's not difficult. This is a yes, this is a yes or a yes or a don't respond to me. Hey, I don't need to pitch my party to you I don't need to walk everybody through what hey come to my part. What should I bring? I don't fucking know man

You figure it out, but every conversation you have is a deal You are the you're the biggest deal cutter. I know wait a minute. Who is who is sending out the invite you or? I know. Wait a minute. Who is who is sending out the invites you or or 80s girl. We split it up and who had a better return rate none of her. She had one friend come. No, get this. She had one friend come. And that friend's fiance got in a nipple rubbing fight with my life coach at the at the party. Yeah, that's what else makes me a raise is, oh man. So I'm guessing he didn't agree with this politics. Well, going out on a limb by saying that.

For some reason, he got his political conversation nipped in the bud. So my dad was also at the party. My dad said, coach, coach walks over to a person he's just met. My dad calls me and says, hey, you know your buddy, life coach, and he goes, don't give him coffee when he's drinking. And like, what do you mean? Because he's like supercharged.

He's like a supercharged alcoholic. Alcoholic. Apparently he walked up to a completely peaceful conversation between my father and one of the neighbors in the area. And his opening line is, you look like a second amendment guy. And the guy said, what the fuck are you talking about? What? And so he immediately opened one.

He would say, but this is how this is how we got into a nipple rubbing contest with with 80s girls friends fiance. Apparently, the guy thought that coach was hitting on his, was making the moves on his pregnant wife. So we've got, we're all, we're all in the living room. Just sitting down on a gigantic couch, me 80s girl in the, in the couple, the, the guy and the pregnant fiance are sitting on this couch in the middle of the dick house.

And my life coach comes over, he's probably been ejected from several conversations so far, you know, making his exit as he does going from group to group. And he, he pretends to sit down on a coffee table that can barely hold up a coffee book and not my life coach. He's, he's a big guy. He's like, he's like six, 700 pounds probably. Yeah, yeah. Well, he just was exercising for a long, long time to be able to walk again. Yeah. They've got, they made a documentary of them. Yeah. It's called the 160 stone woman, I think. Right. He bent a crane. Anyway, he's going from table to table,

pretending to sit down just to see me freak out and say, don't sit on the fucking table, you jerk ass. Don't sit on that table, go to another table. So he finally exo, and I think kind of to show the people sitting on the couch that he's looking for a place to sit down. But we're all just like, I'm sitting all the way over

on the L shape, it's one of those L shape. I'm all the way over. 80s girls all the way over. This pregnant girl and her fiance who looks like Mr. Clean. Like he looks like Mr. Clean at a how totally shaved head. Is it like a tough guy, Mr. Clean? Like I mean, that's his whole thing or like... More like psychotic, Mr. Clean.

Okay. So, life coach, I say, no, no, no, don't sit on that. I'm playing a game of bloo of swiper, no swiping, of door of the explore, blues clues with my life coach. Don't sit on that. Don't say no, no, no, you're going to break it. No, don't sit on that. And he's in a, he's in a tuxedo, by the way, for some reason.

He shows up at this party. He finally goes and like kind of perches, like he's gonna sit down on the very edge of the couch. Next to it goes girl, pregnant girl, Mr. Clean, 80s girl, me. And he goes and kind of starts sitting down over there because what's he gonna come sit next to me? Like that's the safest way. You don't, you're not sitting next to a guy on a lovesick. The next to your friend and a lovesick. He goes and perches down there and she doesn't

move. This chick doesn't move at all. So he, look, it was funny when he did it, but he leans over and goes, Hey, so how you doing? He gives it away. He gives it one of those because it's like fucking move. Let the guy the guy sit down like what do you think being pregnant is a problem? This guy's 400 pounds. He's got he's walked around with this one his whole life. Okay. I mean you're I can totally see the face he made when he said that. And and Dave Ted Psycho's get an eye full of this. And all the sudden this guy this guy stands up and does like a Vince McMahon strut, shoving his pregnant wife over and sitting, sitting, he sits down next to life coach and just gives him these like dagger laser

beams in his eyes. Like, immediately he did this after how you're doing. Yeah, he like shoved his wife out of the way and this is like a like a Pitball like behavior that I've never like I don't suddenly see in the movie and not even he sits down and then just Straight mad dogs him right right in his face puffing up his chest and my life coach who's got who looks like a fat Dudley Moore in this instant because he's wearing a tuxedo and he's got like a drink in his hand. We were just outside smoking like he's obviously tossed his eyes and crook, but he's still,

he's still making jokes. He's not like, he's not, you know, glomming all over this pregnant broad, who's noticeably pregnant. Right. This guy sits down and just gives him like the superman's, hate bombs out of his eyes. The look on life coach is like, he looks at this guy and he's like, okay, he's from San Pedro.

So he's been mad dogged many times. Of course. He knows what, but he- But Pedro's a rough neighborhood. But he looks, but he grew up there. He looks at me. He's like, dude, I don't know how to handle this in your house. Like ordinarily, I know how to get kicked out of places.

I know what to do in a bar, but he's just like, I don't know what to do about this guy. So I'm like, okay, I guess I gotta step in now. I guess this is what you do at a fucking Christmas party. You're the host. Yeah, I'm not as like, hey, hey, buddy, it's okay. He's just joking. It's all right.

It's all right. Nothing. This guy is like, you know, it doesn't register. He's just staring. How is he staring at you? How do you have to be to jump up after like three words? Dude, immediately. So I'm, finally, I'm like, bro, buddy, this is way over the line.

Like, whatever you think, you gotta at least say something. Like at least say, hey, I thought that was inappropriate and get an apology. But this was just like, savage, savagery. It was preposterous that this man goes to a party and sits and just blatantly. I don't even know what he wanted. I don't know what he wanted out of it. Fist city probably. Yeah, then I find out. So I say you got a this is this has got to stop your way over the line. So life coach God bless him. He's a gracious man. He just stands up and leaves the house. He leaves. He left the house. Who left the party? Well, he goes and locks outside and I'm like, all right, I gotta go outside and talk to him.

You know, this is what you do when you're men. You gotta go console your bro. You gotta go bro him up, right? When there's an altercation like that, you don't want him feeling like he got clowned on. Or you don't want him feeling like a pussy. And so I go out there and I'm like, what the hell was that about?

I'm not that drunk. Like, I had one of those nice buzzes because I'd been drinking all day and I switched from beer. I upgraded from beer to liquor at just the right fucking time. Oh, God, that's sweet because you do that sometimes. You turn into a sloppy, slavvently degenerate. I hit that second gear. I went from second straight to fourth. It was fucking perfect. And I was dead. I was alert. I was sauceed. I was happy. I was having a great time dancing around. Then I got to go console.

My friend who's just been I fucked in front of the whole party by this lunatic, two minutes later, this guy stomps out with that Ed McMahon strut again. Ed McMahon. Ed McMahon. Yeah. And he brought a giant check with him. They came outside. They's on the other side of the night.

You guys won the asshole publishing Publisher's Clearinghouse. You won. This was all a big set up. Like I'm half a russian. Give me those nipples. Get them over here. The Vince McMahon strut straight for his fucking car and just leaves, I guess. Like this is, but this is the party. Did he take his pregnant fiancee?

She came, she left much later. I don't know. We went back into the house after the demons were exercised. That's when you want like odd job to come into the house and then lecture them both, say, Hey, you, what kind of man are you to knock her up before you marry her? And what kind of slaughter you to put yourself in that condition? That's the ticket. That's the ticket.

It was so weird. Meanwhile, 80s girl is exploding the coffee machine in the kitchen because she doesn't know how to load the coffee machine. So while I'm dealing with blowing, great man's deployment. Anyway, Larry, you're back on the show. Thank you for sticking around us through all the audio difficulties. What makes you a rage today, my friend? Makes me a rage, the crossing guard.

The crossing guard? No fucking crossing guard. Okay. The person that protects your children, what do you mean? You got children? The fucking crossing guard. Okay. The person that protects your children, what do you mean? You got children? Yeah, I do. And it's one particular crossing guard in the neighborhood.

Let me give you this sort of the scenario of what happens. A crossing guard, the way it should function is, people come along, kids, parents, whatever, they cross, then they wait, and then cars move, and then the cars stop, and then the people, it's kind of a playoff. It's a tennis game, then they wait, and then cars move, and then the cars stop, and then the people, it's kind of a playoff. It's a tennis game, back and forth, right? Well, this imbistle, who's been doing this

for north of a year, doesn't think cars have a right to go anywhere. It's all about the pedestrians. Yeah. Okay, there's no, so what she will do is actually stand there and never let a cluster or group of people form. It's just if you show up there, bam, she's gonna jump out in that intersection with that little handheld stop sign and stop the traffic.

So she has caused backups for a quarter mile, for no reason other than her incompetence. Okay, now this is kind of a tip of the iceberg of age range, because what goes on now, people complain to the administrators of this public school. Because guess what, about just a couple of hundred yards down the road is a parochial school, okay? They all said, huh?

What's a parochial school? I can't tell you. But they also... What is it huh? What's the proke school? I can't tell you, but they also what is the A of school? Yeah, what is the Catholic school? Okay. Yeah, but they're very litigious. Yeah. They have to be because they're defending pedophiles. All day, and they have great attorneys. That's their mission is to defend pedophiles. Right. I can't fucking believe that the Catholic church, the way they handled the pedophile. Well, wait, you know what they got there?

They took their cues from LA USD who's housing their fucking pedophiles on full salary and lifetime bennies at a pedophile hotel in downtown LA where there's several hundred of them hold up there, jacking off a kiddie board. Wait, what do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? You never heard of that? No. Oh yeah. There's a, there's a, what do you mean? What do you mean? You never heard of that? No. Oh yeah.

Everybody's doing it. Yeah. You know, there's been dozens, if not hundreds, of L.A. USD teachers. Right. You know, caught, caught, is short eyes. And so when they, when they, what? Short eyes.

Short eyes. Short eyes. That's the sort of street term for, for pedophiles. Yeah, you don't know that, you know, the street link up for pedophiles. Yeah, come on. I can't get't know the street link up. Come on. I'm going to fuck some matter with you. Can you get that one on context? It's I talking about pedophile.

I did. I did. Yes. Short. You could say anything. You should assume he's talking about what he's talking about. No, I did. I did.

Got a bunch of quimbeams over there. I did. I did. Probably talking about pedophile. Got a bunch of Jong-Jaws. Got a bunch of tabletops. I like to know the etymology of things. Where did it come from? I'm a fan of smiles, got a bunch of John jaws. I don't, where the, got a bunch of tabletops. I like to know, I like to know the etymology of things.

Where did it come from? Short eyes. I don't want to know the etymology of a pedophile term. There was a, there was a movie above documentary a long time ago about these creatins. Yeah. That was the title. I think it's a prison term for a, you know, those guys aren't looked to kindly upon and.

Oh, no, they don't make us cold. Oh, oh, by by the way I'm sorry I forgot the best part of that story that guy turns out has been to prison for murder well the guy who may have dogged my life coach so my life coach came to my Christmas party and started an altercation with a murderer wow that's the story that's the tagline life coach shows up to Christmas party st and it's on a murderers pregnant wife have you considered exercising this entire segment from the show people say that my life resembles a fiction in

some way there was a red it threaders saying is dick making this up because his whole life sounds like a fiction what sounds what sounds like a fiction about a guy's life coach showing up to his Christmas party and instigating an altercation with a man who is a murderer by hitting on his pregnant wife? What sounds fictional about that? I don't know, you two anyway. So there's a room for a bunch of teachers. There's a bunch of pictures.

In somewhere down to NLA, they call like pedophile hotel or something where all these teachers just sit and play with coloring books while they're on full salary waiting for why because they have a bullet proof union because their government workers. They can't be they have jobs for life. I don't want to dig into this. I mean, you're saying that they hide teachers. Yeah. And they just show up at a fucking building all day.

Yeah. And get paid. Yes. Because they can't fire them. Right. I've never heard of it. I don't doubt it. I've never heard of it, but I do not doubt it. It's true.

Did they have teacher's advantage? I don't know. I think it's the second strongest union in California. Absolutely. Yes. Yeah, the nurses union is way up there. Yeah. Very powerful.

Teachers union. I mean, what do they are they like like every you've put it You put enough people in a room for a long time with nothing to do They're gonna start having do they have hijinks down there is the building near the Scientology Center They could play pranks like Jason's Cult prank they already chose the pedophiles versus short-eye in grams. I don't know They go to the Scientology Center and steal all their magic underpants and they they prank the pedophiles back by like making a little scare. Crawl the little boy in front of the the weird halfway house for L.A. you always say do

pedophiles and then open like a trap door when they come out and go no doubt. What do they do? I don't know. We'll have to find that out. Oh, that's weird. It's an investigative reporter. But the crossing guard, so anyway, they complained about her, okay? People complained and the school principals, their answer being that their impervious to firing was she's been properly trained. You all just should leave earlier, right?

So then adding insult to injury, what happens next? They, a couple of LAPD motorcycle cops at that intersection to enforce this fucking imbecils will of how to deal with traffic. Okay, just once. All right. Just once I would like somebody to say, what do you want us to do?

Right. Honestly, what do you want us to do about it? Hey, your crossing guard is fucking up out there causing a big old jam, then you say, I mean, what, what, what do you want us to do about it? Hey, your crossing guard is fucking up out there causing a big old jam. And they say, I mean, what, what, what do you want us to fire? That shit, we just, we can't. We got a lot of stuff that we're dealing with here. We got a lot of stuff that we're dealing with.

Just let me the fuck alone. Like, that's what I want to hear from one person in charge of anything ever. Never will. Never will. So what happened? So what happened is nothing. So this continues to go on. People, I mean, people have their own kids

to get to the school that's a couple hundred yards down the block, right? And they can't get there in time. Meanwhile, they have their own crossing guard who functions quite nicely, who understands vehicular traffic has a right to move as well as pedestrians. Okay, but because the other side is government,

here's where it all goes. Okay. Don't just drain the swamp, drain the fucking ocean. Yeah. Okay, some years ago I had to do some business with the city of Thousand Oaks, right? And from this asshole who was an official at that city, if I heard this phrase once,

I heard it a thousand times, he would say again and again, where the city we can do what we want. And so many times, I just want to say, no, you're a fucking parasite who's overpaid, who has zero talent, who should be drowned in a full toilet. That's what you are. But I never got to say that. So I'm saying it now. Yeah. So what do you gonna do? How you gonna fix this?

I don't know what to do. What I'd like to do is maybe hire the shaved head felon from your party to go over there, seize the stop sign out of her hand. It smashed it over her head. So she wears it like one of those dog collar cones that be a human stop sign crossing. I mean, these are my friends.

These are the people coming to my Christmas party. Did you guys pick and fights with murderers? You wonder how you have to convince people. Ha ha ha ha. Buckley's on the balcony. Buckley, my friend Buckley was a writer for the old show. He was on the old podcast. He brought in travel bugs.

He came over and he has this thing of just needing to piss off of things So he's every time I happens a lot every time I look at drive That's when I lived in New York. I can't tell you how many times I pissed out of windows in skyscrapers Really? Just a mist going all over the street Raining on for what is it like when you get drunk? You want to do that? Precisely. It's a guy thing.

I think you just have to do it. Well, it's some guys and the guys who are into it will, will almost break themselves in half trying to piss on things. Yes. You remember our buddy, the two one express. He's this, he's very much, oh man. He called, we called him the two one express because he played football. What was he in football? What, what did the, what did the two one express because he played football. What was he in football?

What did the, what did the two on express play? I don't know. Football player. I don't know. He was a defensive player. I can't remember what he was, he was like four feet tall, but he would hammer. He was like a human torpedo. He would just run and murder you.

Guys would explode into a cloud of pink dust when he, because he would hit them so hard. He would get drunk and get so sloppy. And the first thing he wanted to do was piss outside, outside. Well, given a choice, would you prefer to piss in a toilet or outside in a toilet, man? I'm not one of these guys. I would like to be able to piss wherever I really have to piss. What do you mean, like, right? What are you saying?

For car. Like, if it's, if you really got a piss, I want it to be okay to like, you know, find a tree or something really quick. I don't like, I don't care. Cause they just speed. You don't have a preference for inside outside anything like that. No, I'm inside most of the time. So I would piss inside. Yeah. You never make it a point to go outside and piss. No. Okay. Do you make people drive out of the way so you could piss at someone's house? No. Okay, two on expresses made me do that.

Do you ever go outside and gale force wins and try to use a beer box to shield your pee as you're peeing off someone's balcony in their house at their Christmas party and then you get pissed all over your pants? Have you ever done that? I have not. Okay, then you don't understand what's in these guys' minds. Okay. These yard pissers. Well, you are apparently, Larry. Well, you know, I've never had to go to the extreme

of a windbreak to get it done properly. That's really out of a skyscraper. Yeah. I mean, that's an extreme sport. It was a skyscraper pissing. It was a windless night, you know. It was a great trajectory. I think I had a Volkswagen winless night, you know. It was a great trajectory. I think I had a Volkswagen.

So what are you gonna do about this crossing guard? I'm hoping maybe your audience can come up with a solution. You know, you gotta do it. No, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta solution for you. So I wanted to talk about, it's really, it's been changing the way I think about life in general. And this is what tipped me off.

I was going to Vegas with 80s girls. You got me Ron White tickets for my birthday, a couple months ago, and show finally came up. I love Ron White. I could sit, I could watch that fat fuck just sit on a stage and smoke, stand on a stage and smoke. With a snifter up there. And you can't fix stupid things.

He's changed it. He doesn't do brandy anymore because now he's selling tequila. So his entire show is just a commercial for his tequila. He just sips out of a, out of a tumbler or something. Same thing, sipping tequila. It's not the same for me either. Like I watch, I watch him do it and I got a lot more enjoyment out of Ron White smoking cigarettes and drinking scotch. Well, I've seen the cigars a lot. He's been doing the cigars for a long time. I'm okay with that, but the tequila makes it worse for me somehow because it doesn't

seem like he should be drinking tequila. Yeah, it doesn't. And I can taste the tequila the whole show. Like I like that he can sell whatever he bought the tequila factory and he's selling the tequila, but every time he takes a sip of it, I want to throw up in my mouth. And it makes me think of like every bad, liquor experience I've ever fucking had instead of the opposite. Who sips tequila? It's always in shots, right? Or it's in a margarita. Yeah. Some people do really like the high end stuff. Anyway, we're going to this show. We get to the airport, me and 80s girl. And I like to show up at the airport. I like to waste zero minutes. So if I ever go to the airport and I Showed up like even two three minutes early for a flight. I consider it a complete waste of time

It's ruined the whole trip. I like to I like to show up when they're calling my name Over the loudspeaker and acting like it's a problem, but I'm like motherfucker The plane is gonna the plane will take off whether I know you guys aren't waiting for me, okay? I know that. I know all of this is planned in advance, and you just like to load all these cattle in, so you can cross all your tees and dot all your eyes as quickly as possible,

but I know you don't need it. I know that I can show up literally the second before you close the door and get ready for takeoff. Because the only people running this show are the pilots and the tower. All of this shit is all like loading flying buses. They don't give a shit. They're starting the plane. They're now, Sean, do you remember when me and you running through the airport?

That was, that's what I want to do. We were paged over an entire airport. Three times. Three times. We were in a bar drunk eating McDonald's. We hadn't eaten the McDonald's yet. We got it on the plane. We got, we were drinking like crazy going to see Sean's younger brother in Ithaca.

And we were just sitting in the bar enjoying ourselves. And what was it, Syracuse? We're sitting in the Syracuse bar enjoying ourselves. This wasn't on the Europe trip? No, no, this was when we were gonna see your brother. So we're just sitting there getting sauce at the airport, not realizing that this small town airport has kind of a different vibe to it

because the plane only sits like 20 people. So as soon as they get those 20 people on, they're going, they're not there to dick you around like LAX. LAX is on it. You're a cog. It's going when it's going and you better be on it. This is a little bit more friendly, like wings. So we're sitting, I look at the clock and I'm like, well, I'm not showing up early.

I'm not sitting at the fucking gate. Let's go to the bar. Let's go to the bar and get drunk until exactly, exactly 845, which is when we have to leave. So we're sitting at the bar and we're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, do you hear that? And this frantic voice comes on the loudspeaker, well, Mr. Sean and Mr. Dick, please, this is the last call you're going to get. We jump up and go because it sounds panic, but as we were walking over

there, I'm like, hey, let's get some, aren't, let's get some McDonald's. Yeah. Let's get some McDonald's on the strip because, you know, and Sean goes, yeah, okay, like not even a second time. So we walk onto this plane having made, it's that, that was when we realized that we had made 20 people just sit there waiting on the tarmac already to go. Not only did we walk in late, reeking of gin, I think you would, reeking of gin and

whiskey, reeking of gin and whiskey because we already flown across the country all day, but also with two giant bags of brand new McDonald's French fries, daunting, bouncing down the aisle, like Terrence and Philip on this fucking plane with our bags of free French, for our bags of delicious French fries, that everybody has been on sitting on the plane waiting for their turn to eat when they got home.

We sit down and this fat idiot next to me goes, well, I sure hope you brought enough of those fries for everybody because everyone's pretty pissed off. And as I open the package, look, I'm gonna go, nope. I'm shit face. I don't know how young we were. Anyway, 80s girl and I go to the airport and we're late, like I said, we're late.

We get up to TSA and it looks, it always looks busier than it is. Like, I don't know how they do it at TSA, but they build the lines such that it looks like you're going to be there all day, but it's, it's, it's, it always goes a lot faster than you think. Anyway, we get there and 80s girl turns me and says, well, you know, you know, what we could do because the lines all backed up. So you go sometimes, sometimes the TSA will just send you into the pre-check line, which goes right there. Now sometimes they'll just send you into that line.

Yes. And I stop and I, you know, I open my suitcase and I take out my mansplaining wig and the job. Pursing the cane and I said, excuse me, they will do what? And she goes, yeah, that happens to me all the time. You just sometimes you get there and they let you go and the other, and like, maybe, do you not know that they're doing that because you're a hot chick?

Like, do you, you know that, right? You got to, you got to be in this world, you got to be in the, we got to be in the same reality here. The movie, and then it hit me right at that moment. I'm thinking back through how life works for chicks who are hot as they just, they get so much free shit constantly and better treatment that it changes the, it changes what they think they can do. Moving forward, like they think it's possible

that you'll just get for no reason. You'll get moved over and it made me think of, like you know, past girlfriends who go, I'm glad I did it for a long time. We were going to the gym and I wasn't a member but you go, don't worry, it's not a problem. Oh my God, are you sure? Cause it sounds like it seems like it would be a problem

because they're selling this. It's a business. It's a business. They don't, you don't just show up and walk in. So we walk in. Sure enough. She goes right over the desk because I'm here and he's coming in with me.

So let me know, I'm just letting you know, and the guy goes, well, we could do some kind of a trial and she goes, well, look, I don't have to hear all about it. So this is just what we're doing. Like if you could move this along and I'm sitting there going, I can have fucking bullet, but then it strikes me like this is how they act. Of course.

This is why, because they always get away with it. And then I'm thinking, why don't I get away with it? Like this guy doesn't care. This guy at the desk doesn't care. It's got a TSA, doesn't care. He's just letting them, he's gonna say, yes, all he's gonna say is,

so you gotta start thinking like that. You know, instead of, it's not gorilla mindset for me. It's hot chick mindset. Take a shave and grow nice tits. You're there. You don't even need that. No.

Just because that's my point. Just adjust the tits. No, no, no. That'll do it really. All you need to do is think that you deserve it. Oh, well. That's all they do because those guys aren't getting laid out of any of it. They're not getting anything out of this.

Yeah. They're just saying yes. They're just saying yes because the girls act like they should say yes. Because they think they're, they think they're gonna get it. That's what I'm saying. They expect it. You gotta expect it, Larry. You gotta imagine that you're a beautiful woman, a beautiful, beautiful woman, and you're

going into that school and you want that fucking crossing guard, God. I'm gonna do that. Do that. Let me, that's, but that that. But that's my gorilla mindset. Hot chick mindset. That's all, that's all. All right, well, you got anything else? What else makes you rage?

Yeah, thank you so much. Again, thank you for sitting through the audio difficulties that we've had today. I'm looking at you, John. Oh, so first of all, here it's such a kick. I mean, another rage, you know, in prep for this video portion of this podcast, I actually had my teeth cleaned. And you're gone.

No, but I was overdue for, I hate dentists, right? And I never, my entire life have hopped from dentists. Yeah, they hate themselves too. They do, they always piss me off. So my wife says, I give this new one to this chick dentist, she's really good, you have to go see, but okay, so I find it, make it appointment, I go.

Dude, I'm really wary of female dentists. Why am I wrong too? Because I think that deep down, they want to hurt me. They do. They do. I'm sitting on the chair. They do. I think that it's very sexist. I mean, just me having a dick. I think that like, I thinkist. I mean, even for that. Just me having a dick. I think that like, I think in a way that you can't say out loud in mixed company, but I can say it on this podcast

to 50,000 people. I think that they get me in that chair and they and chicks just have like this Dr. Mengele in their head. And they want to take it out. I know I'm seriously afraid of chick dentists. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it is a good reason, but I got that phobia in me.

Huh. You know, never thought about it. Well, I just said come for the cleaning and then I get this dental hygienist that comes out and says, okay, we're going to bring you in and we'll get you ready for your X-rays. I said, what X-rays? She's, oh, you'll be getting a full set of X-rays. I said, no, I won't. Oh, she goes, yes, you will.

I'm like, am I fucking hearing this? Right? And then she goes, just because we're on the same, so we're on the same page. Yeah. Like this fucking song. So, this is not an agentist. This is not an agentist. Yeah.

Just so we're on the same page. She thinks she deserves it. Yeah, that's how I get it Yeah, we don't have a get you we we we we have to build bubble decks and I said nice now now the fucking hackles are at you know Full erection on my back. Mm-hmm. Just so we're in a same page traffic my my my mouth my rules. I'll just leave right now take your pick Uh-huh, right and she just fricks is wellicks his eye. Well, you'll have to sign a waiver. Let's just bring it, bring it in the pen. I'll sign, baby.

Can you have like jawbone cancer or something? Because she disappears. It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit because they get paid. All the fucking braven margins are off the fucking charts. And digitally cost them nothing and they charge you hundreds. This is why the dentist is always lying. Yes.

Because they get paid a certain, you are allowed to do a certain amount of teeth cleanings or whatever. This is why I think they're all full of shit because your dental insurance says you could do two teeth cleanings a year. So then every fucking time you go into the dentist, we got to set up your cleaning, we got to set up your cleaning because it's is profit for them and it costs you. All they have to do is sell you on getting into the dentist and they can't even do that.

That's how bad they are at this cause they like to pretend that they're doctors, even though everyone hates them. That's what they don't get. It's like, I heard the suicide rates really high. Is it? Is it? How do they do it? They drill a hole in their own head,

or what? I don't know. What is that? All they have to do is get you into the door to make their mind. And they can't, instead of acting like, instead of making it fun for you, they act like doctors whom we love, whom we love, we need going to them.

Dennis, I don't know, I could most shut my phone. That's all right, I don't need you anyway. So then, so she then brings back the document and now the dentist herself, the queen bee comes in. You got two chick dentists on you? Well, there's a hygienist. She did the palm. How are you saying that?

I'm saying it wrong. I think I could just put a T in there for some reason. I don't know, because it's high, usually, yeah. I don't know where that came from. I can't do that. I can't do that. I can't do that. I said a T in there. Second time, we said. That's okay. I can't do it. I can't do it myself. But yeah, I said a T in there.

Second time, we said. That's okay. I should say it like that. I gennest. Don't steal my bitch, Sean. I say words wrong. That's true. That's my deal.

You've got to get your own deal. I are a typo. Okay, then what happened? So she does the polishing bit with the drill, whatever the hell it is. And then the queen be herself comes in and now she's gonna do some picking, whatever the fuck it is. And then the queen be herself comes in, and now she's gonna do some picking, whatever the fuck it is, I don't know.

And she, again, goes right back to, I don't think you understand, like I'm a fucking six-year-old about, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I said, well, listen, I say, I fly fairly often, if I'm not up in the tube, I'm getting zapped by the fucking body scanners at the

airport to get this guy to himself on my ear. Not exactly those words. I was much more polite and gentle, but I said, I don't need any more radiation in my skull. So we're not going to do any x-rays today because well, if you want to stay my patient, at some point you're going to have to, right? And so I said nothing and then she proceeds to pick away with the thing, you know, and as she's doing it I'm getting this lecture like you would give to a six-year-old about you must brush your teeth at least twice a day You must floss me well. I have really good teeth. They're very hell. I don't have any fucking cat nothing You know she's talking as if as if they're falling out of my head, right about the whole the you know The gym the chapter verse on dental hygiene.

Which if she had a brain in her fucking head, she'd go, you know what, this guy seems like he knows what he's doing already. Why not just shut my mouth, pick his teeth, and take his fucking money. But no, no, but you know what it was really about? I'll tell you what it was really about. It wasn't about the revenues.

It was about you challenge my authority. This is my sandbox. Who the fuck are you person with a penis to tell me how I'm gonna do my job? That's where it was coming from. I never noticed doctors doing that. They don't. Like they don't, they disagree with the doctor.

They just go, whatever. Okay. Yeah, do whatever you're an idiot. I don't care. Like, I'm just trying to sell you some priceless sack over here. I don't give a shit what you really do. Did you see the curb your enthusiasm where Larry can't decide whose advice to take,

the doctors or the pharmacists? No. Oh yeah. He's going like, Larry, I'm a doctor, he's like, shh, I'm a pharmacist. He's known as Larry. All right. Asterio sent in some very funny bits.

I told everybody that you were at a war reenactment. Oh, right, right, right, you were gone. But a World War II reenactment. Oh, not a civil war reenactment. I think I know. Is this true? No musket. Yeah, sure.

As far as you know, it's true. That's not true. That's not true. No, because you know, Sam, so disappointed because I gobbled that lie because here's this guy who's like the all-American guy, Sean, is so clean, cut, and presentable, and every, every daughter would like, like, heard a date, you know, Sean. It was, it was usually the mothers that would date me. Okay, yeah, you know, and then you find out. Oh, what's the oldest girl you've banked? Well, man, I should say.

Well, 60. No, no, no, in my in my 20s over 40. Wow. That's that girl's luckiest day. This is Robin. She probably told, still tells that story. Yes. This guy, this beautiful man, this beautiful man boy that she banged. The strapping.

She was definitely definitely a cougar. All right, anyway, a stereo set in these bits from you. Somebody said I should have said you were a cold war reenactment. That would have been a lot of funnier. It's pretty funny. Yeah, like a reenactment, but a cold war. All right, here's, here's from Asterios.

My dearest dad. This letters from Sean. It is I, your humble audio engineer. Shoken farewell from... People perform the World War II reenact shortly. The last I'll be unable to write you again due to shitty Wi-Fi. I'm compelled to send these words that they may tickle your ears. While I fight with my fellow soldiers, the Nazis.

I know that I lay down nearly on joy by missing the podcast. It struggles in contest with my love of being a big old Hitler. My love for you is deathless and totally not gay at all. It binds me to you with money and, no yet, pretty much just the screla. You pay better than any other podcast I have ever. Doesn't matter now. Currently, we're gone. If there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my sweet breath.

This guy's blue. Let it be my ever watchful eyes. If she does to gently grace your pants, know that it is my love for you. I'm afraid this message must come to an end. As me and my fellow Nazis await the sunrise. The Allied Reinectors keep calling us cuck. It's a stereo. He's doing this in place. It sounds like a cross between LBJ and Morgan Freeman. It does. It's pretty

good. He did an okay, uh, Peter Faulk the other week. Oh, for Colombo. Yeah. Yeah. If that's him, that's good. That's him. Is it? He's a comedian, man. Well, I know a performer. But he's a legit performer. Didn't know he was not just somebody who gets doxed. That versatile. Very versatile. Um, I'm going to play the other one. He's got two more. I'm gonna play the other one after Sam hide

And we've got right now. Hello. Hey, is this Sam hide? Yeah, holy shit, man. This is dick masters and first of all, thank you so much for calling into the program. I've been trying to Yeah, we're doing it right now. Is that okay with you? Good recording. Yeah, man, this is recording. Good. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna big league you and fuck you over like you got that guy from Buzzfeed. That was fucking awesome.

Are you gonna edit this conversation and make me seem like some kind of rapist? Sam, I would never edit you, my man. I'm gonna give you, you get full approval of this. Everything that comes out of your mouth, I'll assume is approved by you and we will not cut a single fucking thing. All right, I want your viewers to know that I'm a good person.

Uh, no, no, let me explain who you are, real second. Sam Hyde is a comedian, ladies and gentlemen. That's it. I think that's just too much credit. Too much credit as a, Sam Hyde is not a comedian. He is the joke. That's the kind of... I was funny.

I mean, funny 10% of the time, the rest of the time, you're free to laugh at me, not with me. So, I have a hard time explaining, are we recording? We're good. Yeah, we're good. Okay, thanks. That's my audio engineer, Sean. Oh, yeah, Sam Hyde.

Sam Hyde, he's overpaid on this program by the... So, when I try to explain comedy, I always feel like I sound like a jackass because I'm like, oh yeah, it's just really funny. Please believe me, please believe me that this guy's saying, but I'm gonna give everybody a taste of what you do. Sam Hyde infiltrated a TED talk. And he is, were you pretending to be a guy from the future because he's dressed like a

Gladiator like a Roman Gladiator and The thing about TED talks that's infuriating is they take these Concepts that are usually they're usually pretty interesting and they boil them down into like Science entertainment sort of like Neil to digress Tyson or Michio Kaku or something, or this Rambo. You know what, since we don't know what since, in a black hole, we'll never know. Here's a 3D visualization of what might be inside a black hole. And a lot of the tech talk people are really fucking insufferable.

And if you want to quickly learn what i'm talking about the guy look up the guy who runs the tent organization i think his name is christ anderson and look up the christ anderson ted talk now he's just a normal guy he's not like a special person or like in he doesn't have anything worth worth saying really yeah but he decided to give himself a tent talk that's like about TED talks. It's the most like pretentious, like it's just fucking outrageous.

You have to be watched. It's like Madal. Like you watch a TED talk and it's like for pretentious assholes, they put the little name of the TED talk like a Madal, like a Boy Scout badge. And then they go to parties and they talk about the TED Talk they walked and they watched and they pretend to be a scientist. Like because they watched it and had a very complex idea explained that like they're fucking five years old, they somehow achieved what.

So Sam's TED Talk, he comes out and he comes out, winded for no reason and crawls through the Ted Talk logo and sits on the stairs drinking out of a water bottle for 20 seconds for the first 20 seconds. He talks you talk about the future in your Ted Talk where it's 20 it's 2070 so there's all sorts of um uh crazy uh there's so much there's so much progress because you as you know we're living in an age of um of social progress and by twenty seventy. Yeah it's only going to get more more so it's only going to get more progressive. Stayed in forced homosexuality that was one. By twenty seventy they'll finally legalize gay marriage. Yeah. By 2070?

Sorry, that's kind of a, that's a, I should say, that's the fancy humor, but they also have, they'll have gay men will have wounds surgically implanted in their colonies, and this is a very fantastic thing and There's a new hybrid form of wigger hipster. Okay. It's a whipster a whipster I'm saying that they're gonna happen by 2070 a whipster a wigger a hipster. Yeah, okay Well, we know we can all break that down on our own You so you trolled headtacks more real video games. That's the most important one. You go to sorry. Go ahead. Yeah. No so The reason I wanted to have you on is because you and I you're not very similar. I love your comedy so much that I can't explain

Why I love it, but I never want to stop loving it like it's just the way you are on video. The way you're walking around, Sam was trolling a Hillary Clinton rally. And somebody, somebody corners Sam a reporter and asks, slams him with these Trump questions of, well, how is this any different than when the Jews were rounded up? And Sam just goes, I don't know, it sounds kind of similar and looks in the camera. And so it's like, yeah, man, just, just go with it. Like he's got, I don't know, it sounds kind of similar and looks in the camera. And so it's like, yeah, man, just go with it. Like he's got, I don't know something about him. Just like, I'm like, yeah, fuck it, man. But look, you,

that's the perfect answer to hysteria. So these people, their whole shit is like predicated on you caring about what they have to say. And so when they say something like, you're a homophobic misogynist and you're just like, okay, it really sort of disarms them and throws them spinning. Or you do one better. You say, I'll show you homophobic misogynist, but do you think, because these are just words that are coming out of my mouth at the end of the day.

Like you want to hear worse words That's your trigger. So You had you and your comedy group a million dollar extreme had a show called world peace on adult swim and it's a fucking great show They're doing you got to if you're listening to this show you got to go on YouTube and watch it You got to find I don't what's your web web what's the best way to watch it for you guys you're either on youtube or just torrent it i think i can't believe we say that i i can say it torrent the shit out of it i strongly recommend you torrent the shit out of

sam show because it's fucking hilarious but what happened is this guy sam gets i mean this is the comedian's dream, right? Like Sam, I've gotten shows, comedy shows to the last leg where you just got to get that green light from the network and then you're on fucking TV and it's the most exciting feeling in the world. You get to see what a real contract looks like, a real TV contract and it's, like you start planning the rest of you like, okay, I'm going to put my whole heart and soul into this show.

And it's going to launch like I'm going to build a brand and a network offer this. I'm going to be the next Seth McFarland like I'm going to redefine late night comedy. And I thought you guys were kicking ass, but then all of the sudden world peace your TV show just gets killed, gets canceled. Yeah, it's really unfortunate because the reason that got canceled, it got really good ratings. I believe we beat Eric Andre's first season. We broke a million views on the first and last episode. So it was, it got good ratings. The executives of the Gulf Swim loved it. One of those executives is a black guy, one of them is a Jewish guy. So it's not like a white supremacist organization. But it just

got these articles came out trying to paint the show as if it were some sort of political, you know, some tool of political ideology or something. And the Turner executives, adults, worms, parent company, they've stealthy heat a little too much. You know, I've looked at some of the backlash, like here's an example of some of the backlash that Sam's getting. He's got it, they're saying the magic word on Sam, which is alt-right, right? Like, which means racist.

Which means it's a catch-all. They don't even have to go through all the work of saying racist, bigoted. So they said Sam's an alt-right show. And right after that, every music act that was on his show said, we disavow our performance. Like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's not. It would be, it would be the exception of John Mouse.'s not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's You, you were interviewed by a guy from Buzzfeed and un-unpunotes to him. You recorded the interview. You video recorded your side of the interview and immediately posted it online. But it seems, it seems like a dick move.

It's very funny. It seems like a dick move, but like you got to keep in mind, this Buzzfeed guy was only asking you questions to make, to paint you as like this weird racist misogynist. Like he was saying, are you all right or not? And Sam's like, I'm a fucking comedian man. Like it's not my fault that all of these entertainment liberals have never seen a real man before. Well, but the thing is you don't have to identify yourself in any particular way. They just throw that on. It's funny, it's funny. He's all right.

It's like, no, I'm just a comedian. It doesn't mean anything. The thing is, the alt-right label, I personally, I probably, and you probably would call me alt-right, but that has nothing to do with the show, like my personal politics, which are not, have nothing to do with like white supremacy. And that's, alt- is is backlash against identity politics it's white people playing identity politics and I don't think you know most of these people are not sitting at home thinking uh bombs on the best where the best like it's not that's what the word white supremacist

conjures up these these images like skinheads like thinking it's a way to hold this is a whole ball. You mean to tell me that when you dress up like a jackass and go on a TED talk as a pretend gladiator from the future, that's not meant to instill a race riot, like that's not meant to instill white power pride. It's supposed to be, I'm like the new Hitler when I wear that. That's what I'm trying to do yeah while eating a cheese pizza so what happened what happened you show as I heard I've seen Tim hi-decker's name get thrown around and I was a

big fan of Tim and Eric but I don't I mean I don't you got to tell me if I need to continue being a fan of Tim and this is the other thing that's this is the other thing that's really weird is in addition to this quote, unquote, public backlash, which is basically a couple of Buzzfeed articles and an Atlantic article that got combined, like, maybe 80 retweets or something like that. You thought this is not like grassroots, viral, anti-world piece stuff. And in another day and age, that would be called good publicity. The other thing that happened that was kind of weird was these other comedians started

speaking out against the show. Tim Heideker, Brett Gelellman, this guy named Vic Berger, who does these weird YouTube edits of better kind of funny. Brett Gellman, he's the actor that ruined the series finale of Mad Men, right? Brett, the least funny person I've ever seen, I haven't seen him funny in one thing and his stuff is so cringe-inducing, it's fucking painful. He is the ultimate example of a comedian who is just doing comedy and not trying to make anybody laugh. Brett Galman. He gets up and goes through the motions and then pads himself on the back. Brett Galman,'s everybody knows, he's the guy who said he quit working

with adult swim because they didn't employ enough women. Is that right? I was told by someone, I was told by somebody who would know that the reason why he quit adult swim was because they didn't pick up any of his shows because they thought that they were weird uncomfortable not funny they were making like strange racial statements without without being like funny and uh... you can't just yeah i can't just on tv and start talking about

uh... race and and expect people to like think what you're saying is brilliant and not have it be funny if it's on a comedy network you guys were part of so i'm so they didn't pick his shit up. And they asked him to help them find female talent, because everybody's complaining that adult swim doesn't have any shows created by women.

So they asked Brett Gellman, and what he does is he brings his wife in. And he has his fucking ugly bald wife, pitch them some stupid thing. Oh my God. He's nonsense. And then on his way out, he burns the bridges and he actually some sort of social hero. And you know what sucks about that is, I don't even think the bridge is really burnt. As hard as you cry, as long as it's for some perceives, downtrodden race or gender,

you know, it's people just let it slide. That's such a fucking joke. My old, my old writing partner, he would always bring every time he got a new girlfriend, all of a sudden she became the funniest girl ever. He'd start pitching her ideas in our sessions. She would eventually start sitting in and giving feedback on the podcast. This is such a fucking job. It's very, it's very blue-pilled.

Very, very blue-pilled. So how do you know all this stuff? Like everything I saw, I saw your interview with Tim Heidecker and he said he wanted to be neutral in the whole thing, but you seem pretty convinced that he's not that he's working behind the scenes You said he's a Tim Hightaker. I don't have I'm not like I'm not so I'm not really pissed at Tim Hightaker the thing the thing that he got The thing that he says he says that he is under Internet attack right now. He's under he's under net assault by internet attack right now. He's under net assault by anonymous trolls. And he says that I'm the one who sicked them on him, which is nothing I've never told anybody.

And the real thing is he broke this on himself by being very visibly espousing liberal politics and talking about and just being a sort of open borders like basic bitch liberal Los Angeles idiot. I remember that. I guess some people on poll noticed that and started fucking with him. He's a hero. He's a long, cold, I'm a cock. And the song is fucking really funny. I am a cop. That's called peck made.

We got a term for that. When somebody gets so triggered that they start, they have these little like meltdowns where they start making a comedy tap in themselves. I'm like, I'm scared and shit on my face. If I read some Twitter comment that said Sam Hight's song and I'm like, you know, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. on our uh... the million dollar stream subreddit someone posted the i'm a cut song yeah and that's that that's the very first time that i ever knew anything about uh... tim hide it again fucking that the e assaulted but uh... did you think he's pissed at you and trying and like subtly because you know the art of influence can be very subtle tim could be behind the scenes making suggestions he's got like what three four shows an adult swim now now i think i think he probably said something to the executive of the

adult swim and he also told his fans to um... call advertisers and complain if they didn't if they didn't like that it that's not exactly being neutral but uh... it's i don't uh... i think um... i mean tim has done brilliant comedic things i'm not

i'm not really i can't be super pissed at him or anything like that it's so it's i think li was it was take so certain type of people there's only a few people can really go to loss angeles and handle it yeah stay cool and not not get all fucked up and i think um... There's only a few people who can really go to Los Angeles and handle it. Yeah. And they cool and not get all fucked up. And I think a lot of people, when they go to Los Angeles, they get a little bit. A little bit ahead.

Don't come here. I was, I've lived here my whole life, Sean, my audio engineer who you're hearing is lived here, his whole life, basically. People come in and they start fucked because they come here looking for fame and fortune and they get more and more fucked. The only people who can handle Los Angeles are dead. That's true. Yeah, that's true.

So look, man, how do we get your show back on the air because I'm fucking sick of this shit. I am so sick of like of the sinking feeling that the more successful I am on Twitter, the higher chance that my accounts just gonna be shut down. The next time I get a shot like my old podcasting partner released some this bullshit video calling me a rape apologist.

Like the worst thing you can be in LA and LA entertainment because of some like normal shit that I said on our podcast he took it all out of context and he said she said because I said women should watch out for what they're doing and protect their own safety. He spun that up as a rape apologist and I myself have a book called Men About

and the Women that is offensive. It's offensive comedy. It's satire. It's bad. It's bad. Yeah, it is. It's satire. It's bad that it does. Yeah, yeah it is. What's going on with that? Hi, because I remember back in like 2000, his website was really funny.

Yeah. It was. What happened to that? I don't know. Nobody, everybody is interested in this guy's bullshit because they're trying to figure out what happened to the guy. I could uppine on it forever. It's probably a mix of just getting to be like 40 years old, still living in a duplex

with roommates when like you had, you had your pick of the litter. He could have gone to any agency in town. He could have written anything, gotten it through and he just couldn't capitalize on it now. He couldn't capitalize it. And I think instead of just writing better material or good material like you do, like pushing the envelope, he's trying to emulate, like he's trying to become the most L.A. social justice warrior, like protector of the downtrodden thinking that maybe there's

some money in that. I don't know. A lot of people have different theories though Well, it's very weird. I mean I remember reading this stuff like 15 years ago or whenever that Whenever that was and it was it was really good and I looked Looking back at what he's doing in the past of year. It's just been kind of weird. It is very weird doing in the past of year, it's just been kind of weird. It is very weird. Yeah.

Look, how do we get your show back on the air? Because I'm fucking tired of people getting their dreams crushed, which is, I'm sure you guys are doing fine because you got a huge fan base and they love you. I love you. I would buy anything you put out, especially now that you got your TV show canceled. But how the fuck do we get your show back on the air? Well, I think if you, if you watch the show, if you like the show and you want to maybe help get it back on here, give the people a turner. I think they've got a public phone number,

give them a call or email any turner addresses you can find on the web there, just shoot off a brief email saying you want real peace back. That might do something. I think, I mean, Turner definitely responded to negative public pressure from these articles. So I think they would probably respond to public pressure from fans as well. Is there a guy? Is there a guy we can message specifically over there?

Like who's the guy who canceled your show? Who's his secretary? I would if I had to guess I'd say his name's probably goldstein or something like that, but I honestly don't know Yeah, you see any precious metals when you go in the phone directly Silver there's a man made of silver You just want to hit them up. Yeah, and gruffis preface the email by saying I mean, silver, there's a man made of silver. You just wanna hit them up. Yeah, and,

you know, Preface the email by saying, you ever, I respect your rich history of 6000 years. Your ancestors are amazing. You are the chosen tribe. By the way, get world peace back on the air. Get it back on the air. We need world peace.

It's a positive message. Hey, I gotta ask you a real quick before before you go, what makes you a rage? What makes Sam a rage? It makes me rage. Yeah. Um, uh, I would say, I would say, um, anti white sentiment, but I don't think I'm not sure that makes me really very political but the things that the things that actually get me really

pissed off and make me rage are really stupid things like traffic uh... incidents and i threw it i threw a chair at my door uh... which was related to some sort of argument i got in with my roommate um... what was the argument? I forgot. I don't know.

Yeah, sure. Is it a portal? Yeah. I remember what it was about, but it was just matched to our in my office. Oh, so he made a chance. What makes me a rage? Having to convince people to come to my Christmas party. That's what makes me a rage.

Like I'm selling, I'm selling these fucking people the opportunity to come to my Christmas party. That's what makes me, Ray. Like I'm selling, I'm selling these fucking people the opportunity to come to my house and drink for free and eat free shit that I've been making all day. And to do that, they say, well, who else is gonna be there? Really? That's a lie.

That's a lie. What do you mean who the fuck else is good? Like what? Who do you, what's, you give me the names on the list that you need to be here, and I will tell you, and just there everybody, everybody, your long, your real dad is gonna be here. This is a complex mama me a moment,

where I've invited someone from your fucking past, like you're on television, you bitch. What do you mean who's gonna be here? There's gonna be, and Laker is, Jack Daniels is gonna be here, your buddy. The three wise men are gonna, Jim Beam is gonna be here, just come to my fucking party. Don't make me feel like, I already feel like a sucker

because I made all this free food and free booze so I could have people to come hang out with me. And now I gotta give you more, I gotta get make this a networking opportunity for you. You know everybody I know. You know who's gonna be here. You stupid bitch, just come. Just what do you mean, what time?

Party time. Come over in the evening. What did we do before clocks? What did we do before clocks? Where was what? I didn't know you had to work on your mom that hard. You had to call. Oh fuck you, Sean.

You didn't come to my party. I have a work party. Fuck you. My party was better than the work party. The buckly pistol over the go to the party. My life coach got enough. We're gonna we'll talk about it later.

It was sick. I would have been Sam. What's the future for world peace? What do you and what will I let me ask you here? What's your what is your ultimate comedy sketch? I know you like to push the line, but what would be your ultimate comedy sketch? I got there's one that I What got rejected? Run through it. It'll take about a minute. Yes. Yes. Yes

So this one let me just find the find the note here. It's called yellow knight one, let me just find the note here. It's called Yellow Knight, aka Fuck. It'll take me 30 seconds to find it. I'm sorry. That's okay. If you weren't, it's right. We might have it this. Fuck. I'd better read the songs. God dammit, man. Yellow Knight. I'll paraphrase. I'll paraphrase of the paraphrase the yellow night and this is a group of people having a nice meal at a sort of upscale asian uh... restaurant

and there's a uh... there's a woman there typical you know woman like a typical bitch like a stupid bitch and uh... and uh... they be uh... just look at the menu and she goes, oh, I'd like to try that new Asian salad. And there's a guy, there's a guy dressed like a total weeaboo,

like a white guy, but he's got a silk kimono shirt on for the Japanese print and all that bullshit. And they're talking and they go, oh, Bryce just got back from Asia. And then it goes, it cuts to Bryce, the weeaboo, the guy that's obsessed with Asia. And it goes to his internal monologue, his what he's saying, thinking inside his head.

And he goes, it's not an Asian salad, he's stupid bitch, that's an American salad with orange slices in it. You're fucking dumb, kind of. And someone else at the table goes on. Oh, Bryce knows all about age. He just got back from his trip. And then it cuts back to his internal monologue. And he goes, uh, yeah, I know all about Asia. First of all, they can't even make salads because their eyes are slant and they can't see through them. Of course,

that makes sense. She's stupid fucking dyke. Yeah. But he's not saying that loud. Yeah, he's thinking it. He's thinking it. And so he goes, um, yeah, then when you get off the plane, you're greeted by your own personal masseuse. And she's a gaysha and her feet have been bound since childhood. So her feet are only three inches long and she hobbles over to over to you and she says how do you know when we start white men helping a to date and then they shovel kinds of sinking noodles in your face

and they've got off the pieces going in and out of every office and uh... and then he cuts back to his face and he's looking normal and he says um... actually uh... that's not really Asian style style, that's just an American style. That's not really what Asia's like. And then it cuts back to his internal monologue and he goes, but I lied. That is what Asia's like. Not going to, I want him to know because I'm gonna keep it all for myself.

That's the sketch. Why would adults who have not want that on the air? Yellow night. I don't know if they could tell you. I don't know why I find that so funny. I could see it because I'm familiar with how you guys produce things. I could see it in my head. I know it would be hilarious. I think there's something wrong with me.

To be totally fair, I think it might just be funny in my head, but it's definitely meets that whole Asian treatment. We got to get Asians on the show. Yeah, diversify. Make a deal. Cut a deal with these guys. Get some chicks on your show. We're working on that right now. Not you are talking about women. Yeah, make it so I heard that for season two was what we're gonna have. Oh, thank God. Very diverse. Diverse like the Cantina bar at Star Wars. Right? Oh, hell yeah. Every color in the rainbow. Great, man. Look, thanks for calling.

I want to get your fucking show back on the year. I hope we can do that. I appreciate the publicity either way. I'm sure whatever we do in the future, there'll be good things coming to don't worry too much. What's your website? Where can people go to check you out? You can just search YouTube or Twitter

for Sam Heider, a million dollar stream. Okay. You're gonna find a lot of school shooting references. Sam Heider's a fun to school shooter. It's a quick. Yeah. Care. He is.

Four Chain convinced the news that Sam Heider was a school shooter for, I forget which school shooting, but they ran with it. That's phenomenal. Just because a guy standing there with a gun. Yeah. Just totally based on what he looks like in a picture. Yeah.

Looks like a school shooter. Get it. Gotta get it up on the news as quickly as possible and get everyone informed about this one local tragedy in a tiny town in the middle of fucking nowhere. We got to get this big because you stand in there in a black shirt with a big black gun. Like, oh, yeah, we got to get this big black gun on TV as quickly as possible. All right, man. Have a good one. Peace. Sam Hyde. Unbelievable. I don't know. Look, you guys sat through that whole interview with like, uh, clueless

looks on you. I don't know what to do. Oh, did were you into him? Are you into Sam? It's hard to explain who he is or what he does. I just happen to be very familiar with his material. Somebody actually just brought up his name the other day. And I'd never heard of what a clan rally. Yeah. It's my musket and my civil war.

My, my, uh, you know, the blue and the gray. I was, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my tell you, there's no, there's no feeling like the anticipation of getting a show. Larry, you, you know what I'm talking about? I've had a show, man. So, yeah, really? Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Sure. What show was it? It was a, it was a reality series. I got on CBS some years ago. And so it went all, it went, you know, the ball went over the, the, you know, America is next, what's your dad like? It would be a good show. It was, uh, how's your shoes. How's your shoes? What's going on with shoes? That should be your show. By the way Denzel used that line after the podcast was like a fucking charm man. This chick came over our waitress came over Or somebody else's waitress came over at the brew house we were at and she always tattoos So Denzel says I'm really into that girl. I'm gonna ask her about her tattoos.

I said, no, no, no, no, no, man. Every guy, every guy in this bar every day asks her about her tattoos. It's true. You gotta ask her about, you know what? And he goes, her shoes, there's nothing. What do you mean, her shoes? What's that gonna, so I said said just fucking do it, Denzel.

She walks by and he, I mean, he commits the biggest atrocity that a man can commit, which is trying to get a woman's attention. And he says, hey, I just wanted to say that I really like your shoes. She, her whole body opens up. Like, he was the only man in the universe right then when he said it. He looked at her.

He could, Denzel could have had anything he wanted, but he, I think he was so shocked that it worked. I mean, even though he committed that atrocity before. Dude, because that is not what you are supposed to do. She showed, she had more teeth than a dentist. She was grinning from ear to ear and like, well, I can't wait to, she had that look like I can't wait to hear anything else you have to say. You are at, your value is at a 100% to me.

And he looked at me like a little boy who'd stumbled onto a treasure and he did not know what to do. And then what happened? Nothing. Nothing. You need to you did not know what to do. And then what happened? There nothing. Nothing. You need to work on him. You really do. Yeah, really good to be in.

He could get over the chalks. I wrote this story like the Rufi chick, right? I'm not drinking from your glass. That's all I was thinking. Yeah, that was bizarre. That was so bizarre. They would have like a bunch of times. Right, so clearly she had a screw loose, right?

But then I heard the part about where, when he first, like matter whatever and they're talking, it's going well and they're talking for hours and hours and then she says, what are you doing tonight? And he says, or what are you, how are you spending tonight? And he says, I'm spending you with you. And he takes the rough fucking movie. Let's, let's do the communication disconnect right now. Be silent and look at something else. What was he thinking? That's insane. That's, that's so wrong. He's an, I think he's like an old-fashioned kind of guy., but a movie you never take a check to a movie until you're tired of So what was your show? It was a it was a reality series right prime time on CBS, it was called Wickedly Perfect.

And it started out as a search for a new Martha Stewart while the real one was doing time. Yeah. Oh, right, right, right. And then it was a fun time. Yeah, it was a fun time. Yeah, and then so it was retitled with a kind of a week time. But it was fun, you know, and it had a good ride,

ran its course and the checks cleared and no complaints. And that feeling that you got, had a good ride. Ran, it ran its course and the check's cleared and no complaints. And that feeling that you got, what was your role? Producer creator. Pretty okay, that's yeah. The feeling that you got when you sold it and you had it on,

that's great. Unlike anything else. And I see this guy Sam, like even if you're not a fan of him, have that show, I have the opportunity to do his comedy to a huge audience, global audience. He was seeing, they got a million, they got a million viewers on the show.

If that's true, how the fuck could they cancel it other than this fucking feedback? Well, this racist shit, like everything you read about him is racist, homophobic, big of it. It's like, give me a fucking break. The guys making jokes. Yeah. Just making fucking jokes. I wanted to, I wanted to ask him this, you know, to see whether he would confirm it or

not. But I've always thought it like in this day and age, in the last 10 or 15 years, comedians have the worst senses of humor on the planet. When it comes to joking about anything that is mildly offensive or controversial, I think they have no fucking sense of humor for that. You are an evil hitler if you make a joke about anything like that. And if you think it's funny, you're also a bad person. That's what I mean. Also, if you think it's funny. You guys clearly are students of the realm, right? Now, you tell me. What does that mean? Comedy.

Oh, yeah. Okay. At what point, do you think about it? Sometime, not all that long ago, yeah, at the very top of the mark was a guy named the Dice Man. Okay. Oh, yeah. And Sam Kineson, right?

They'll talk politically incorrect. Oh, my God. Right. At what point was that corner turned where they became guys who couldn't get a job? Well, one died, but what happened? Where was it? The other one may as well have exactly what happened. I don't understand. I still don't know. You know, I'll tell you, comedians got, got old and they started being pundits like like guys like George Carlin John Stuart They got old and they started

entertaining you and giving you their personal political opinion true and then they got The they got though they got to be the one thing that will kill anybody's sense of humor Respect, you know, I Rodney Dangerfield was funny till he died? Cause he never got respect. That's why he's always a fucking clown. He's always there to joke. But when Karlin, whom I love, I know you love, who's so fucking funny and insightful.

Every shitty comedian, and I'm talking about all the motherfuckers at UCB, anybody getting into comedy these days. They don't want to be a clown. They want to be a pundit. They want to be a respected idea person. And I, you know what, I should have said this to Sam.

I bet that's what fucking happened to Maddox because he used to have thought leader on his bio as a joke. As a joke because he writes about boners and making fun of kids and that shit is stupid. And at some point he started believing that he had some kind of gravitas where, you know, Carlin and these guys, they've lived a long life.

They've lived a long life of extreme fame. They've seen a lot of things. They've probably been fucked over in every possible way. They got some experience to talk from, but they're still just giving their opinion. And at some point, that opinion mixed with political ideas and turned into respect. As the second you start respecting comedians, they're fucking done. The second anybody writes a think piece on why you got to respect a comedian. That's a lot of sense. Fucking done. Makes second anybody writes a think piece on why you got to respect a comedian. That's a lot of sense.

Fucking done. Makes a lot of sense. Because it elevates them out of their comedy. Out of comedy. You can't, if you're looking at a guy to take seriously, he can't make jokes. Well, that was kind of a, you know, a carolary for many years that chicks were never,

chick comics couldn't be as funny as guy comics, right? What do you think about that? Because, and here there was a lot of truth to that because guys have no vanity and they were never afraid to be perceived as complete fucking clowns. But women, there's always that element that always had hold back of,

I don't wanna look stupid, I don't look ugly, whatever it is. Well, they're also told that all day, every day. Yes, but again, to your point, I want you to have to put a gun to my head to make me watch an episode of Ellen, okay? However. No, wait, wasn't Bruce Campbell in that? Where she on the bookstore?

No, no, no, I'm talking to the TV show. I'm talking about her first sitcom. Oh, I never saw it, but I saw her. No, I didn't see it. I saw her live do stand up when she was unknown. She killed, she was really fucking funny. But then something happened, I don't know what. I don't know.

I have a, you know, women in comedy, my opinion is that women are funny in the way that Bill Murray is funny. Because Bill Murray, if you don't know who he is, he's not fucking funny. If you watch, like, if you're just watching a guy acting like an asshole, like, I mean, I don't know. Why is this guy expecting me to laugh at this shit? Is he just the way he says it? He's become more of a persona than a comedian. But when you know him, the stuff he does is hilarious.

And that's how I feel about women. Like, when I know them, like, if I've been, wow, and then, you know what I'm talking about, Sean? No one? No one them hilarious. I think they really are, but it's because I know them, but then guys are funny, like, Carrot Top. Like you don't gotta know that guy to see,

you're getting mugged, you're getting mugged. Like, ah, that's funny. Yeah, I get it. Go and do that anyway. Well, what about the, was it Eliza's lesson? She was pretty funny. So, I'm afraid. I'm afraid.

Curate top. Do the like, I'm going to play, I'm going to play another of his stereosis. I'm going to play another his stereos letter before we get to the rage lottery. So, how's that sound? That sounds wonderful. My darling sesh one, I received your last text with the warmest of comforts.

Without you, things just aren't the same around the old-ass farm. Oh, this is your wife. The last of your wackest audio power seems to be felt by so many. I'm certain that handsome, though small-faced companion of yours, is bambling about on his wonderful podcast without you. However, your jovial, though hairy friend, boisterous coconuts, is visiting the farm and has offered me counsel while you are gone. I had no choice.

He just stood there in the doorway until I begrudgingly let him in. He keeps offering me a light massage to rid my body of mine heaving bosom's tension. He also brought some oils and candles because, as he puts it, chick's love smells. It creeps me out ever so. He's like, if a dry pussy were a person,

please text him and ask him to leave. My panties moisten at the thought of your return. Forever yours, some chick. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. Oh my god. Is that a carrot from the dance drill screen? That's a production value has gone way up.

It's really good, yeah. Yeah, because he's getting all this dough on his Patreon from coming on this show. Is he? Yeah. He's doing well. He's doing very well. You should go look at his Patreon.

I don't look at his Patreon. You should have looked at his Patreon before we negotiated. Oh yeah. from coming on this show. Is he? Yeah. Is he good at is he doing well? He's doing very well. You should go look at his Patreon. I don't look at his Patreon. You should have looked at his Patreon before we negotiated. Oh yeah. But no, I'm just fusting balls.

Let's see here. So we'll do the rage lottery now. All right, we've got our challenger on the phone. What do you want me to call you? Chronic apathy is a fuck. Oh, god damn. Can I change my fucking thing to updates? I fucking holy shit.

Okay, you're a little late because you suffered from automatic updates. You know what I was thinking about it last week? So is he called in with automatic updates last week? And I was thinking after the show, it's a lot bigger. The problem is a lot bigger than what he said. The automatic updates for Windows and for your phone.

Number one, like it used to be where your computer would crash, like you'd always be afraid of a computer crash, right? You leave, you're in the middle of work and you'd be afraid of a computer crash, but then they fixed it. And you'd sit there, I still ride the control S like a jockey. Like I'm whipping a horse, just, like it's compulsive. Every time I do anything, control S, control S, control S, control S, control S, because I grew up in this environment

where the computer was your enemy. And it was trying to fuck you over at every step. And you had to be diligent. Like you, because people would lose. That's why Google Docs is a fucking godsend. Well, even before that, the auto save on word, Microsoft Word, they finally figured out, hey, the number one thing that people are using these word processors for

is to just throw documents in the garbage when it crashes. So let's just save all the time because we got all the fucking storage. Then everybody got lulled into this sense of complacency, where you don't have to ever save, because it's all auto-saved, then they introduced the automatic updates, and now every once in a while,

I'll wake up, I'll wake up, I'll go to my computer and find all of the internet tabs I had opened, all of this stuff I was working on is fucking gone because the stupid automatic update. Now that's what I'm paranoid about. Now that's why I'm like, well, I can't just go to bed and leave up all these tabs of how to fucking have how to do shit. I can't leave up all these tabs of research that I was doing for the show of like this

is this is the Shopify account. This is the t-shirt I was working on. This is some information on Christmas trees. And who's buying the most Christmas trees? This is some information. I can't leave this stuff open because if it auto updates, I'm fucked. I'm fucked and I wasted all this fucking time. This auto man, I got to, number two,

which is what chronic just experienced. When every time you're getting ready to do something, you'll load up your device and it's like, hey, uh, just loaded up for fucking out. Like I was watching you do like have that whole like issue with not having any audio and the audio just oversyncing on everything. I come home from work, set everything up and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna watch the dick show and fucking I'm like, okay, I'm gonna watch the dick show and fucking Then as soon as soon as it says for me to call in

Sorry, we got an update closing everything now hang on a second. Can you hear me? Yeah? Larry can you there there I know you touched. I jiggle the fucking core. It's damn it. Why are you jiggling? You have to get it. Because I nudged it when I went to change the preamp. So don't fuck.

Don't nudge anything. This is a crime scene. This is a fucking crime scene. Nobody touch anything. Nobody touch anything. I got shit. Nobody touch anything. Chronic, are you ready to go? Oh my anything. Chronic, are you ready to go?

Oh my God. Chronic, are you ready? Holy shit. I'm so fucking. What was my topic? I don't know, but you better figure it out because you got 69 seconds. Ready?

Sure. Three, two, one, go. Okay, so fucking prisons are goddamn bullshit. Like, they're just locking up these fucking people. Like these poor, these poor motherfuckers. Most of them are just, they're on drug charges, okay? Like all your, oh, you want to, okay. There was a case a couple years ago where a guy came in,

like he was arrested for having crack cocaine. Uh-huh. For what the lab said was an unmeasurable amount and got 10 years in prison for it. It's the whole system is completely fucked from the ground up. What do you want him to do? What should they do? I have a whole laundry list of exactly how to fucking fix all of it. You got 19 seconds to rate your laundry list.

Okay, fucking lower all prison sentences. Nothing should be more than two years. I don't give you fuck if you kill a guy. Nothing. Two years at the most. What do you mean? Any type of prison sentence. No prison.

No prison. Why even if you kill a guy? No, I think all the effort should go into reforming them. Into teaching them, not just what we're just gonna lock some people up. What good is that gonna do? Can't reform these. This is not the system that we're in, man. We are in a very ugly system where people have been damaged and they're violent.

And there's no bringing them back. We don't have, like I know that you want to. I know that maybe we can possibly try. We can't even try to get our own audio equipment going. You're like the people running the show. You got to remember something. No matter what kind of system you think that you can create that'll fix prisoners, the people who implemented and the people who run it will be fucking stupid because

stupid people are everywhere. The system, as we know it, was built for stupid people. Our government, our prison system, our school system, our trash system, our police system, it's the apple of systems. This is not a Unix government society that we're running. It's an Apple government society because it's got to just work. You got to be able to pick, you got to be able to get 300 million people who are not smarter than a fifth grader and they have to implement this system.

That's the fucking problem. Nothing's changing. Now you wanna get, yeah, you wanna get rid of drugs. Well, for nothing's changing, but that's what pisses me off about it. Yeah, I appreciate this intimate, but I do not think you're getting rid of prisons anytime soon, although I've heard they're completely

for profit, like prisons, it's just like modern day for everybody. Oh yeah, they're breaking, no, for, yeah. I think you should get another chance. I think you should be the victim of a violent crime. I think you should. Then come back and give us this prescription again. Yeah, have you ever been a victim of a crime? I have.

I've even been framed for one once. Really? You didn't want that guy to go? It was in high school. I got charged with second degree sexual assault of a minor for something I didn't even do. Were you 18? I had turned 18 the week before.

So you turned 18 and then you hooked up with your 17 year old girlfriend? I made a joke. I mean, an off-handed comment about something. And now this check who just couldn't handle it is claiming that I just reached around and just Gregg like took a handful of her ass. I just like jiggled it around. Are you serious? Hey, how old are you? No, I am currently 20. Okay, where was I knew he would be younger because in our day and age we didn't have to worry about that No, no way. If somebody like that, it's like he made a comment and she said that what was your comment? What was the joke? Oh well, it was Was it funny? The whole conversation was I made a comp

I don't remember exactly what the comment was it was something where I just talked about groping Okay, they're like what's groping said. Oh, it's like this. I just I just leaned over a little and then Fucking everyone's freaking out thinking I'm touching everyone and she just went along with it. So other people saw you making a pantomime of grooping and they started going after you and then she went along with it. It was specifically her and her friend that immediately got up and went straight to the whatever what do you what do you call the police officer that's just in the school like the on the bed you have that or yeah but yeah it just went to him and then I later that day I was called down into the office I just I described what happened they didn't believe me and they charge me those

sexual second degree sexual assault of a minor. It has since been dropped thankfully. That's nice. What's the color? How much were your legal fees? I had to pay around 300 bucks. You did off cheap. Yeah, no shit. Was it better call Saul?

Who the fuck was your lawyer? I just had a public defender. I can't afford any specific lawyer, but he apparently was pretty good because he just convinced the DA to just fucking drop it. So did you touch her? You didn't touch her. No. Did you touch her?

No, I'd be a lot less upset if I had actually touched her. How close did you get? Could you feel the warmth that's her bosom in here? No, no. Like, not close at all. Just about as close as you are when you're just sitting next to someone at a lunch table. Okay. What the, why do these girls hate you so much?

I don't fucking know. They're trained to hate them. Of course they are. That's the question. And these kids are so fucked today. That is so, we didn't, like that would be farcical when we were kids. If we heard about that. Yeah.

And this is just something that happened. That's what I thought at the time. I thought like, are you guys fucking kidding me? Are you kidding me with this shit? Nope, I don't know. I don't know. I don't ever remember anything like that happening. I think they're weaponizing men.

I think that the way society set up and the way the school system is set up, they're just turning men into lunatic. It's the same thing that happened as Cernovich, but it's being done to every single young. Cernovich, for that story, because I connected it with it so well, because I lived the same thing, probably not as, not as extreme, but because mine was dropped after a few months of having to go in and out of court all the time, showing up at the courthouse is just to say,

oh, you don't know. Do you want to say her name? Do you want to say the name of the campus conference? I don't oh, you don't know. Do you want to say her name? Do you want to say the name of the campus conference? I don't know. I don't know. Did you know her name? Did they make you? That's the fucked up thing about it. Did they make you apologize? Nope, nothing. Nothing. They completely dropped it because they realized it was complete bullshit. We bullshit. All right. Well, I hope you do better in the rage board than you do in in school. I guess. I think he should get another shot.

Oh, he got a shot because of the fucking I had to stop a right in the mountain. You got to you got to the other one. Then everyone would get a do over everyone would get a do a rule. No, not everything rules are rules are rules are rules are rules. It's up to. I don't know. I think it's long as I'm not at the bottom.

I'm fine. Thanks for calling. I tried to help. Sorry to help you. All right. Hello, dick. Hey, is he now we got to get our champion on the line here. This is Larry. This is our rage, our rage match, like a cage match, two

men in through every week. They both are a patronies. They both go to patreon.com slash the Dix show. They get a lottery ticket. They put their names in. I draw one. One every week. I draw one. Sorry. He goes up against our reigning champion who this week is easy no break mr. no break and then then the fans vote on who comes back who is a bigger rage i love it and they come back the next week all right so is he are you ready to go all right let's do this now yeah come ready two one go all right there's a pisses me off this week people who are trying to give me directions to get to someplace you've gone through this right like you're going to a party or whatever in people are like oh no here's what you do like they already gave you the

address and that he is what you do you make a left that can cause the blocks down at the second satellite to go around the star book and come around there's gonna be a homeless guy sitting in the corner i don't need i i i check out of the conversation like five seconds not even five two seconds in you know why because i have my pocket this this wonderful thing that i bought that i'm simply informed

this this phone the talks to satellite and tells me it actually talks to me on the go-to-place here's a thing that okay did the combined intellectual and and military might of both united states and the soviet union to the better part of what for decades killing animals trying to figure out this whole pudding shitting to space thing yeah and he did it and now it's a fly I don't need you to tell me how to get to I won't remember and the thing is this is not like some rare thing that I'm the only one

who has you have a phone too you have a phone right you you put in coordinates in the address on to Google maps or whatever the fuck you're time time time time I know exactly what you're talking about landmark direction givers I never want to hear anybody explain to me how to do anything ever I don't even want to watch a video tutorial tutorial on YouTube like the people Explaining to you how to do things on your computer has ruined Google as a place where you can get instructions

on how to fix shit for everybody. Because all of these. Have you noticed? Have you noticed? I'm like, oh, marketers have decided that they can game the search results by saying, oh, I'm gonna put up a 10 minute video of how to send an email.

It's a 10-fuckin' minute screencast and every single one comes with a preamble. Like 20 seconds of like, hi, how you doin'? I'm Johnny Buttfucko and this is my tutorial series on if you like to try and do something that you searched. Here it is, here is how to send an email. First you want you want to do and then they've got all of their preamble bullshit. I can't fucking stand it just give me something

to read that is all i want i just want to read it and if it's and if it's the machine can tell me how to do it for fuck's sake take the human part out of it i think that's my point exactly people i don't have the attention span or the memory to remember all of these directions that you're giving me and all these things that he joined me. No, no, it's not even like cell phones are a new, like if this was like in 2004, 2005, when smartphones are like just kind of getting started.

And you know what I mean, like I'd say I would get that. But I hate to say the fucking current ear thing. But I don't know why people do it. Why Larry, have you ever given someone spoken directions to anywhere? No, somebody asked me where to go. It's on the fuck off. Here's the address. I don't know.

Go. Go there. I like Larry's idea. I like Larry's idea. Do you want to give anybody any shout outs? Is the champion? Uh, just check out my YouTube page. Check out.

Can I do that here? Yeah, what's your YouTube page? You know, we're on YouTube. Just look it up. I guess I just did. Is he no, Bray? All right. Thanks, buddy. Don't give me too much. Yeah. First what you do. This is how you get to is he said you go to your computer. You sit down. The way you sit down is that you bend your knees. So and then you let gravity take your buttocks and your torso and your body towards the ground. It will feel like you're experiencing a fall and you'll sense some sort of a danger, but don't worry.

What you use your legs like a muscular squat, you'll tighten your hamstrings as you're lowering your buttocks to it, then you will feel a solid, you'll sense that you're approaching a solid mass on which you can rest your buttocks in your body. At that point, you'll be sitting at your computer. You're halfway there. You're halfway there. I'm not even close to halfway there. This is the fucking you. This is going to tell you this is a huge tutorial. No, your arms. Now, make sure your eyes are open. What you want to do is have your eyes with No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that are referred to as your eyelid. Make sure you can see different colors. Make sure you're letting all the light of your computer come. This is a fucking YouTube video for every single thing on the internet, dude. They ruined it.

They ruined it. Google ruined it. You can't find shit anymore for information. Man, I got so much shit to get to. I just did not have time to do this week. We'll do a bonus episode. Yeah, this was a fucking catastrophe. So let's set up, look, now that you have one less podcast

that you're a part of, Yes. And you're getting, and there was a negotiation. Yes. I don't wanna talk about it, because Sean, I don't like to add to the salacious concept. Yes, you do. No, I don't wanna do that.

That's not good. I'm not all about that. What am I? Just a guy using my friends as pawns in some kind of elaborate revenge scheme against an angry Armenian man that's trying to fuck over my career, my comedy career, because he thinks I hooked up with his ex-girlfriend

that's preposterous. So I don't want to add to any speculation of why you weren't here, why you're made not on any other podcast, you might have previously been on now, why you're not on those anymore. But I do, I do want to set this up properly. This audio equipment today. Yes. So I'm going to, I'm going to play and Larry, thank you so much for coming by. You got to come back and do a redo because of all this bullshit technical stuff.

But yeah, I thought it was, it's very interesting how you've got this, this, almost an organic grassroots network if you will of podcasts has cropped up. Because if you've got esterios, you've got Denzel, you've got Muah. Right. I'm sorry, what? What's Muah?

What do you mean? Muah, I'm doing a podcast now. I didn't know that. Oh yeah, absolutely. What's it called? That Larry Show. That Larry Show. That Larry Show. Where, where you go, that Larry Show.com?

That's where to find it. And it's the- How many episodes have you done? I've got about four in a can, but there's one post, which is the holiday episode. How do you have to say? In which I'll go through a gamut of topics, all about why the holidays really suck, okay?

We'll take you through the five worst Christmas songs ever recorded and and the capper is live Charlie Brown's assisted suicide. Oh Poor Charlie Brown. I hate him. I could never hate Charlie Brown. How I despise him. Why? Uh, he's fucking loser. He is the loser. He is the loser. That's the whole point. Yeah.

So, I help him take the big loss. Okay. So, that Larry show, go to thatlaryshow.com. That's the spot. Wow. Yeah. But, as I was saying, it's kind of a network that's doing up around this thing.

Which is, which is think of it. Think of, think of the sort of the cosmic angle here, Tick, you have done nothing to make this happen. Whereby someone you know rather well is really peddling very hard to assemble a synthetic network. Yeah. Is there something fascinating about that? Yeah, I have opinions on that. Maybe I I should go maybe I could get into them right now

It is interesting. It is I didn't want to say it but it does seem like there is a network There's literally a network Larry's right there is a this one has a very Strong grass roots sir Gann Following. It's truly organic. I don't, um, maybe you saw this coming, but I don't know if the way the Patriots have to be some kind of mastermind to have seen all this coming. The sense of the show. I think it came from you doing the proper thing on how to fund the show.

When you realize that you had something of value that people would voluntarily pay for. And I'm sure it exceeded. Well, I'll tell you, exceeded my expectations. Yeah, no shit, but it's, you know, it, it, it's really to your credit because you're the one that said we should do this. I mean, you texted after the other podcast blew up. You remember that. You remember that. Yeah, of course. Yeah, but I mean, I figured you were going to do something, but I think I said you a text or something

like saying I'm always going gonna do a lot of things No, but I said something like hey, we should do something and I was surprised by how Excited you were about it. Well, yeah, because I love doing this with you man. I mean, that's uh, I don't I didn't forget that text That's um, it's actually something I keep in mind during all this bullshit. Is that right? Yeah. Well, because I have, I appreciate it. I mean, I had, it's been you being on this show and the other show up until now has been very interesting to deal with for me. Yeah. Because you and I have been friends for a long time.

Very good friends. And they're still very good friends. And the, what's made it interesting for me is wanting you to not feel pressured a lot, wanting you to feel pressured. A little man. If I'm honest with myself, because I'm also a piece of shit,

like I know, I know that I am a manipulative prick. Like I know I have know that I am a manipulative prick. Like I know I have that in me. So balancing the monster with what's being said and what is appropriate. This is all these communications and ball busting on air, but it's really like what I want this show to be always is more honest than any other program because people don't get that. Every other podcast on the air is people trying to make jokes, making funny jokes, but that's

not what radio is. It has never been about that. You get to know people because they tell you, they try to tell you who they are. And you can tell, you can make your own opinion of who they are because, you know, everybody sees themselves as something else. That's the attachment listeners have. That's the attachment listeners have. But that's what I want. And that's where I think this kind of network is growing around

it. Is you, Larry, you come on. I mean you you came on the second episode of this show and I immediately sandbag you with Islam That makes me a rage and it's like it had ramifications from your life because it's not like you can go on your Facebook and say Hey, I was just on my buddy dick show He talks about how Islam is a religion of death or is a religion of peace and a political tool of death. Check it out. You might like, that's suicide. I mean, this is, but this is the, the bait, now literally we're in a concrete bunker

and the side of a mountain and figuratively also. I've been pushed in here because I got nowhere fucking else to go. I can't go to UCB anymore. I can't talk to all these assholes about doing horse shit comedy anymore. So this is what it has to be. That's why the show is this because that's all I've got anymore. And I think that's, I mean, I think that's where God, hold by the, I hope that's where the success is coming from is because the whole fucking, the world is crazy, not you. That's this show. You are not crazy.

The world is crazy. And we're locked in the asylum with everybody else. It's time to show them they're locked in the asylum with us. You don't fuck with the more locks anymore. Sam, Sam hide a brilliant comedian just doesn't get deleted from existence because they don't think, because they don't get why he's funny. It's like, that doesn't happen anymore. That's what I want this show to be about anyway.

I don't know if I interrupted what you were saying. No, no, no. Nope, that's exactly what I, yeah. Yeah, I don't forget that text. It's been very complicated. After that rape video, after that rape apology video came out, it got a lot more complicated. It sure did.

It was fun at first, but then it got real fucking dicey. Yeah. I don't know. Hopefully we'll do this show for a long time and unpack all of it, but we're not going to do it today. Here's the last letter from Sean that you wrote on your soldier. Oh, good.

I don't know. Do you want to say anything about what I just said? About what you just said? Yeah. Well, you can just leave it at that. You don't have to. I mean, I'm not on the other show anymore, and I'm on the DIC show. Well, I'll tell you one thing though.

Okay. DIC was good enough based on the success of the show. DIC was good enough and thanks to the patronies, where I got a substantial, I'm making a professional salary on this podcast. You're making a percentage of the show. I'm making a percentage of the show. There's a big difference because I think you should. That's true. Yep. Yep, that's true. I'm making a percentage of the show, which is, which I am grateful for. Big difference. Big difference. Yeah. All right. Here's the stereos.

difference. Yeah. Alright. Here's the stereos. My dearest love. How did Boistress get in there? Give him a dram of my dankest weed and kick him out. I have just received word that we will be goose-depping over to the Wendy's and I shall soon be once again connected to Wi-Fi.

I must confess, while I think fondly of of you my dear, my thoughts are consumed with those of Dick, the podcast, and Maddox's dying garbage fire of a career. My greatest fear is that Dick won't know how to perform the simplest, most basic of audio tasks. Oh, what am I thinking? I'm sure a super angry alcoholic will be able to operate a complex machine very easily. I doubt he'll spend 15 or 20 minutes banging against the keyboard like some sort of weird angry monkey. Absolutely not.

No, sir. Uh-uh. For ever yours. Saggone. forever yours, sad now. Allspin an hour banging against a 15-20 minutes of your luck. Yeah, yeah. I guess I'm angry. Larry, thanks for coming to that LarryShow.com. It's a thank you.

This has been the Dick Show. I'm your host Dick Masterson. Go to the Dick Show.com Patreon.com. Slash the Dick Show. I got a special Christmas treat for all the Patreonis too. Cool. Then I paid to have made with their money. Really, I'm just the custodian of their money,

of their donations. That's what I think. That's why I like to pay all the designers and people and you, your social. See you next Tuesday. This one's from Thermoptic. Thermoptic. Thermoptic covered. I'm gonna get so many good voicemails. And pause your show because you're about to talk about toilets.

And I want to stop you right there because the matter of what you say is gonna be a second period to what I'm about to say right now, which is the biggest fucking problem with toilets in our country in the U.S. of the Bay is that they're in the fucking bathroom. The bathroom. My toilet is the two feet away from my bath towels that I hang in the appropriate place.

Fucking disgusting. Fucking disgusting. Give me a water closet. I've had one of those before. I lived in this crappy place in Tucson and It was like one giant studio in the shower with exposed and the toilet was in a little fucking closet on the other side of the house Tough the way it was the greatest thing in the world. That's where a guy was great. It was It felt like a nice man

It's like what we need the bathroom that's totally dedicated to taking a shit You can read you can go go all out decorate it You can make it feel less uncomfortable you can put a gun in there and you're shit and gun he's protecting it at the time it's real and buddy it feels good no one's coming in there I need to take a shower

can you pinch it off come on I gotta go shoot it off no that crap you need a shitting did you see that remember when that fat fucker on the in the outhouse got killed in the unforgiven the kid blocked out of it was the first person he killed. Oh, yeah, that was my first one You know, or whatever if he had a shitter gun

Cuz he opened the doors goes pants around his ankles And he was like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and they shoot some. I'm telling you man I could talk this entire podcast I can't even see it to toilets like I can talk about Toilets guns. Yeah, uh. Yeah. That's a new ATF alcohol alcohol toilets and fire iron. Who needs to regulate tobacco? But toilets need to be regulated a lot harder than they are. Yeah. Dangerous. Let me tell you what makes me a rage. Okay. When you give a homeless person money, I don't care what they do with it. I don't care if they do drugs or they spend it on giving each other and jobs.

My thing is, I lost the dollar. I get so mad at myself after giving them a dollar two dollars five bucks You know how generous I'm feeling and then I see that I walk away from the guy Yeah, I'm thinking to myself what the hell did you just do? And I'm thinking I want to turn back and just match someone like another fucker. What the fuck are you done? What are you doing it? Who the fuck are you? To tell me I gotta give you five dollars for money fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? if any more you got a fucking earn it. Next time I give a homeless person a dollar, just tell him, hey, motherfucker, you know. You have that feeling? Charity regret? Man, I do. Every time I get talked into giving somebody money,

like feeling anything, a second I handed over, I'm like, God damn it, you weak pussy. Givers remorse. Yeah, Givers remorse. If I do it, I never have regret. I'm like, God damn it, you weak pussy. They're givers remorse. Yeah, givers remorse. If I do it, I never have regret. I never have regret. But I rarely do it because frankly, I'm good for you. I'm cynical and I don't believe them. You don't believe that they're homeless? Not a lot of them know. A stench, isn't it? Oh, no, no, no, no.

The sores? No, those people are homeless. Those people rarely ask me for money. You're right. That's the funny thing. They just sleep all day. You're right. That's the funny thing. They just sleep all day. You're right, because they're up at night running around Hollywood screaming. No, it's always the people who are like, the signs, you know, off ramps are notorious for the, for the phonies. The phony panhandlers.

Yeah, the phony panhandlers, it's always like a, like a young, like, sometimes it can be like a 20 something year old chick. I have two kids. Oh, I don't believe. And no, none of that is ever. None have two kids. Oh, I don't believe. And no, none of that is ever. None of that is why would they be homeless for what? Like two, yeah, there's, yeah, you can, you can, you can sniff them out.

There's a lot of phoneies in LA. Here's a good one. Hey, Dick, Randy time like he chose son balls. You know, Randy was on last. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I barely, you had to fix a lot of my shit. Because I was, I was, you would have told me that you weren't gonna edit it.

I had no time. I edited some, like the big sections and stuff like that. But I thought there was a couple sections I went over where you were talking about the audio equipment. Totally not funny this way. Because it was funny to me last week. But, yeah, they, it seemed like it was funny when they came back.

So I left them in and then people are like i like what the fuck it was like fuck i had no time and i'm just i know these just to set the war reenactment thing uh... to bed after were you in the war after i did well who do you i was garing obviously i mean it makes sense i had visions of you like kenneth marz and the producers with you know the helmet and there's all this fan art people put you on like old world

Or somebody showed that to me somebody show that to me. No, I had a I had a music gig. Oh cool. That's what I did It was a big there were all kinds of equipment problems with that one too. Are you performing or recording or were we? I was recording a Some guys are session players some guys. It's like it was like a funk project. It was like seven piece band and it was No, it's like it was like a funk project. It was like seven piece band and it was, no, it was really cool, but some guy brought a couple of beautiful old microphones and one of those went down and then it was like, just stuff that you find out when you plug a million mics into a studio

and you know, it wasn't on me, so they were cool, but. Well, Randy was here and after the show, I got a bunch of messages from him because apparently Reddit was ripping on him for what? For just being alive, you know, with the internet. So Randy sends me, I don't know who the fuck this wave of reason is on Reddit, but they are dead.

So this is what wave of reason said on Reddit. I don't recall Randy much on the other show and I'm glad. I love a good tear down of someone's work, but it's got to be funny. Randy's criticism of Denzel's script came off as shitty. Like some pompous wanna-be-big studio shitbird. I love that, shitbird. I love it. It's something, you know what, it's so funny. It's something my Italian grandmother would say. Which, because she was like the one who didn't want to raise the kids or be around too much.

I mean, it was great, but I mean, cause she'd swear, she'd all this kind of shit, but it was like, yeah, yeah, shit bird. My two favorites are shit bird or shit bag, which do you prefer? Well, shit bird is funnier. Different. They're different.

Yeah, shit bird is funnier. Shit bag is a bad person. Yeah, shit bird is just a guy and he's like, he's a cocky bird, but he's a shit. That is full. Shit bird. Shit bird is a shit. It can't like dip shit. Right. Like, oh, it's less malicious.

Yeah. Shit bag. Well, because a shit bird is winning. Yeah. That's what that's a pejorative meant to take someone down. Yeah. If they're winning, they're a shit bird. Okay.

All right. That's what I think anyway. All right. down. If they're winning, they're a shit bird. Okay. That's what I think anyway. All right. Let me see if I got one more. Oh, this is a good one from old Chinese Tony called back. Oh, you know, so wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let us Jones is gonna call in before he goes to prison to say what he went to prison for. Yeah. Asterios is gonna be here in two weeks. I saw that kind of change of text. Yeah. I think that, and thing on the chain of text. Yeah. I think that, and here's, here's something I'm thinking about. UCB, there's one other guy who's been banned

from the Tournament of Nerdshow at UCB. And he was banned because the same girl that was attacking me on Twitter, this girl, Erica, relentless. She's still harping on me because I'm such a piece of shit. She's the only one. She's the only one that's still doing it. That's what I'm doing. The other ones went in.

One of them went to their career. She works on the new duct tails, rebirth. So she went to go ruin the new duct tails, really. Yeah. But this guy got drummed out of UCB like a witch, like run out of town because she said that he sexually assaulted her. This happened a long time ago, didn't it? It did. And I knew the guy.

And it was kind of a surprise to me because they're both so dumpy. I'm thinking like, I mean, what, what? Really? It's like a trauma. Wasn't liquor invented so people like YouTube could fuck. But then, you know, that's my insensitive first reaction that you can't say. Like, okay, give me a fucking break. But I looked at the overall, like everything that happened to him and I started thinking, wait a minute, everything that happened to him happened to me. Why do I, why did I assume this guy did something? Sure.

When, like, is there, did the police get involved? Who investigated this? Why did this guy get drummed out? And this poor guy doesn't have my mentality, which is, oh yeah, I'll fucking, I'll show you how hard I can hit you. You, you, you little busies never been, you've never seen somebody get hit this hard, right? So I'm thinking maybe I should get him on the show to air his side of it. Yeah, that's good idea. I don't know.

This is uncharted territory, but I did know the guy, he had a lot of friends, but prescreening that, you know. Yeah, right. Let's put it all out there. I would say you deserve a platform to defend yourself. Which he didn't get. I know he didn't get. Right, no, sure. Because I know how that system works.

It's 1984. Yeah, you have that, but he, yeah, he doesn't. I wouldn't see why he wouldn't come on and give his side of the story. Unless he is guilty. Unless he is guilty. I'm gonna say, dude, look, if you're guilty, don't come on. Yeah, unless you're not fucking guilty, come on.

But would you not know that police have been involved? I mean, because you know, you were in that scene for a long time. Well, after those, I don't even remember the guy's name. I just remember you and a couple other people talking about it when I was there. No, I guess I wouldn't. There's no way to know. Except there was Reese. The reason I bring it up is there was this piece written about it recently and some, you know, some thought piece and some fucking blog that I've never heard of and I'll never see again.

Really? And it was written like he was guilty, except there was no charges, no nothing. It was written like a success story. Yeah. That now women can band together. They even had like, directors of theaters saying like, oh yeah, this is, now we can get them. Now, and how it's like, it really rubbed me the wrong way. Yeah, really? Especially after what happened to me. Like, I don't know, maybe we get this guy on the show. He was funny once. Yeah. I don't know what happened.

We asked him, was he very funny in the group? Was he really good at moments? Yeah, he had moments. Yeah. He had moments. Because, you know, it was. It was serious. It occurred to me.

I say a couple of times there, right? And when I did, you were the only funny fucker on that stage. Well, thank you. Seriously, you really were. And so when this whole bruja went down, it occurred to me, you know, it's they all want to be funny. Might there not have been some elephant element of professional jealousy? You know, you know, let's get him the fuck out of it because he makes me look bad because I'm not funny. There could be some amount of that, but not from the top. The people who actually kicked me off the show, the ones who run it. There's no, I don't think there's any jealousy coming from them. But there might have been some fear.

It's a strange fear, don't you think, of public, like you put the R word in the same sentence as somebody who's out kind of representing the theater or reflects on the theater? Gone. Yeah. No trial, you know, no judge jury. Because they're all just execution. Just desperate people who are at that place, like they're trying to eke out a living on

like whatever new media bullshit has come online, like C. So I think is doing some god awful UCB comedy thing on the internet. And they're all just desperate for like one second to appear in some shitty celebrities, like awful, funny or die video. They'll stab anybody in the back for, but that's the people on top.

I don't, I think they're only thinking about themselves anyway, all right. Let's do, you know, God, these are all so fucking funny. You'll do one more under Chinese Tony. Hey, Dick, Chinese Tony, call it in. And I got a problem suffering from right now. That's called the jerk off time warp. All right. So you know when you, uh, you get the mood, your fucking dragon starts rearing a tent and you go into a room you like all right. Time to take care of this shit You you started being your meat Then you know time goes by doing whatever blah blah blah blah and as soon as you bust that nut

but black You snap out of that shit look around Holy shit. I just lost five hours. What happened? What's been going on? I was in the middle of writing an essay. I was in the middle of the writing an essay. I'm not making an essay. I'm making an essay.

I'm making an essay. I'm making an essay. I'm making an essay. I'm making an essay. I'm making an essay. I'm making an essay. I'm making an man? I can't control my dick. I knew what he was talking about. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not long enough, Tony. You can't just um and on. You have silence for the last nine seconds. The worst is when you're jerking off and you get like a call

that you accidentally take and then it turns, it gets fumbling around. Well, because the instinct is there to pick up the phone. So it's like, oh, yeah, because you're using your phone, of course, because there's no such thing as porn savers in this universe, because we're in the city universe, my device that changes the nature of pornography and your enjoyment of it. And you so you see the phone at pop, so up and you're like, oh, yeah, answer. And then you're like, fuck, you sitting there with your dick,

you're in your hand in the bathroom. Now you're stuck in a conversation and you get roped into the conversation and forget that you were jerking off. So by the time the phone call is over, now you got to start all over. That's the, that's the, then you've got to start from scratch.

Where you, What if it's a telemarker, you invite them in, bring them into the circle. See, I only get doot, leave it on there. got to start from scratch. What if it's a telemarker? Invite them in. Bring them into the circle. See, I only get doot. Leave it on there. See you later.