The Dick Show - Episode 31 – Dick on Dreams

Episode Date: January 3, 2017

Download the MP3 I get kicked out of a bar with Rocket Man, Sean watches golf, we plan a World War II re-enactment, Oktoberfest, Asterios makes a staggering bet regarding his ex-wife, Peach Saliva calls in to chew someone out, a bouncer gets his penis touched, Lettuce Jones tells us why he’s going to jail, … Continue reading "Episode 31 – Dick on Dreams" The post Episode 31 – Dick on Dreams appeared first on The Dick Show.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you need Dick, you love Dick, you got it. It's the only show where everything is a contest, not a podcast. Ha ha. It's not a podcast. What is the other thing? I am your host, Dick Maschers, and with me is always Sean the audio engineer. What? Hey, what's up, buddy? Well, I mean, what?

As last episode I said, it's the only show where everything is a podcast. Yeah, I know you and I sound like an asshole. I thought that was a text shuttle. I sounded somebody else on the chat room. They said that. And you could have, I mean, you got 30 episodes of me saying everything is a contest. You could have just fly, fly it in there, man. Instead, I look like a stupid jerk that doesn't know my, I totally, I totally could have.

I totally could have. You could have, you fucked my own catchphrase. I totally could have. And I was like, nah. I totally did. You totally fucked me. I'm like, dude, I gotta get this out. Everything this podcast touches turns into another podcast. It was taken like the my second touch. Look, I understand.

Look, you're a professional editor for Christ's Sik. You're talking to his best friend. John, you should have a board of screw-ups to punch in for me. Dude, so I don't look like such a jerk. I still a lot of shit on this show. On this show. What do you mean? I still a lot of shit.

You know, things that you say a lot, or if there's like a horrible, sometimes I've stolen the end when you butcher the website. Oh God. I did that on the bonus episode. Did you? Yeah. You don't get any stuff all over. Yeah, you don't even get on the schedule all over? Yeah, fix that for me.

I think I would do, he's been doing it for the first time. I think I did for the regular audio episode. Cause I didn't want to fuck up the sink too bad and have the video guy trying to go like, oh God, like, yeah. With me today is a Stereo's Coke and I was very high. Hey everyone. Stereo's just at a bonus episode with me flying in from the huge, gosh, filled bonus episode of number six,

all right, unbelievable secrets were spilled on all sides, unbelievable secrets that have launched a thousand bits online. A stereotype. Can you straighten up? Can you straighten up? I would love to. Straight up his mic. I'll do it.

Put it at your face. Come on out. An unbelievable bits of gossipy such as my retelling of the wedding that happened long ago that was the result of the DICKLESS episode 77, then then a serios matches with with details, very personal details of how much money Maddox paid for the madcast media website. And the amount will shock you. That is completely true. And more important to me than the amount of money

that he spent on the website or the amount of money that goes out to his network is the amount of money that has been made from this episode. You're Patreon went up $2,000. Because the Goss was so hot that people who had been pointing up, and it's $5. It's $5. 10.com slash the Dixho.

If you want access to it, it's not $20. It's $5. You can join up. Get all the Goss, you get all the all the episodes that have passed when you join up. A lot of people are, a lot of people asked that because that's how Patreon works.

You sign up, you get access to the content that you've previously missed. I don't wanna, you know, I don't wanna snickle and just want you gotta pay, you gotta pay 50 bucks to get cut. No, five bucks, five bucks, you get all the previous stuff. That's how $50 to a Patreon. So unbelievably, I set as a goal on Patreon a long time ago that we would do a road rage

show. We would go on the road. All your favorites would go on the road. Me, Sean, perhaps the stereos. I, I will be in every single show, unless I have a commercial shoot or some, unless there is some apocalyptic thing, like there's a shooting date that I can't get out of.

Yeah. That's decent football game on. Yeah, decent. Oh yeah, me, a huge football lover. In case there's professional starcraft on, which I can watch on my phone. Like I have vacation days for a reason. And it is for situations like this.

And here's my, may I tell you my dream for the live show? So let me just say for the people who haven't read the, haven't gone on the website and read it, we're doing, we're doing a live show. We're doing the picture on goal was cleared. Yeah. So we're doing a live show. The Patreon goal was cleared. So we're doing road rage. It's amazing. It's absolutely unbelievable. It happened.

And people are sending me congratulations happening. And I'm like, this is literally being a traveling comedy show. We're doing a traveling, me and Sean and the stereos, maybe Mad Cux. I want to see if I can get, maybe we'll have a surprise special guest who may or may not be Mad Cux because that guy's, that guy off the cuff is one of, that's one of my favorite things that's come out of the show is how fucking funny that guy is. Unstoppable. He's doing, I asked him to do regular non mad cucks bits for this show because he's

so I know how funny he is just based on how he answered like none of that set up. He answers all that stuff in a, as a character doing a joke on the fly. I know he's funny. I've asked them to do bits that are non mad cuts related because I think he's super tells it extremely talented. I you should hear when he does live streaming of video games, he will do two hours. And it's so much fun because that guy is so quick on his feet. He's just reacting to everything. He's reacting to the comments from the chat. He's reacting to the game itself. It's just it's nonstop funny fucking commentary.

That guy's great. I love him. So we're doing a ratio. Now what is a road rage? I don't know. I don't know. Where is the road rage going to be? I also don't know. I sent I put up a form. I posted two forms one for Patreon and one for everybody else. Facebook read it. Yeah, Facebook, it's looking like. It's very, very interesting spread. LA obviously has a lot of people. Now I'm thinking we might do a test in LA just to get all the kinks out or to get at least two of them or three of them out. So we don't have a mountain of kinks.

So it's not just the kink show, the fucked up body. So we don't start the show at three in the morning when it's build as being an eight or whatever. I think we might do an LA test show to iron it out. Thank you. And before we go on, but it's looking like this fascinating spread. LA's ton of people in LA who've responded to the form, giving me the city that they're in and which city's closest. Ton of people in LA, slightly less dickheads in New York. Yeah.

Tons in Chicago. Oh, Philly. Yeah. Uh, Nashville, I think. And then another one was Austin, Texas, which was all fun cities. Yeah, those are all great cities. They're all great cities. Philly has been very good to me.

I must tell you, when men and women came out, if you're an author, you can go on Amazon, you get to Sill author, like central, Sill author publishing pages that they let you look like. For some reason, I went in there and for some reason, my book sales were proportional in New York, and LA, and all the rest, except for Philly, except they shot up Philly, bought Philadelphia, bought more than LA and New York

of my book. I'm like, am I Philly's forgotten such, do I belong in this city? I don't know. I know, you're very Philly. I don't know. Because Philly is like Philly's forgotten stuff? Do I belong in this setting? You're very Philly. I don't know. Because Philly was a town of bros. Because that's what it is. Philly is the place where they had the nest of death.

It was an area in this Eagle Stadium. There was a section that nobody sat in, but the most hardcore of football fans, because it was called the nest of death. And when you sat there, it was like, you are going to get into a fight. Filly through batteries at Santa Claus. Yeah, this really is.

You're not saying. I throw batteries. I used to have dead, I've thrown dead batteries out of my car. You're a perfect for throwing. That's exactly right. They're probably throwing and they have no value. Yes. And they cannot be traced.

And you have them, they're ubiquitous. So if you have good battery throwing form, it will never fail you. Like you can't throw a, first of all, if you get slugs with a rock, it's, that's gonna hurt. Like you throw a rock at somebody, you can't throw, there's a rock. You poke their eyes, you just, yeah, let's. It's your, but a battery is nice and smooth. I just have a double A and you can grab a handful of double A, a D. I think a D is too much. Is it? Oh, but isn't because you're betting as it's having all your eggs one basket.

You just get a handful of double A batteries and also scatter shot. Yeah, scatter shot. And it's also funny. It's funny to hunt batteries. It's not funny to hook rocks, but Philly, I think that because they also, they name that area that forbidden area the nest of debt, like they're continuing with the branding image of the of the eagle. They've even, they've roped in with this horrible place. The nest they're keeping with the branding though. So it's there's there's this level of of mayhem and violence and also

Ironic comedy appreciation that I think is Philly. So I there's so for that reason Philly has a special place in my heart and always well, but go ahead. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. Philadelphia is the only part of the United States that we have bombed. Oh, wait, what? Yes. There was a riot. A hell of a city. There was a riot and Philly in the 80s. And Mayor Frank Rizzah was like, Hey, you know what? I'm going to drop some FOIA bombs on this port of town because there's a bunch of joke

here. Wait, why does it sound in that weird accent? Because they sound people from Philly talk. They talk like this. You know, it's kind of British. You know, it's not a British. No, it's not British. You know how it's going from Philly's talk?

That's how people from Philly talk. Goys from Philly's talk like this. Okay. You go down to Pat's and Geno's grabby service, steak with some whizz. Oh. Go check out the Rocky statue. All right.

First battery. Yeah. Anyway, so mayor Frank Rizzo, fire bomb, several city blocks in Philadelphia to quail Orion. It is the only place in the United States that the United States has bombed. Philadelphia, man. I can't believe that. I can't believe that.

And from New York to our bus ride. So if you're in New York, go up to Philly. Grab yourself a cheese steak, have a goddamn great time. The girls in Philly are super fucking. The girls in Philly are something else. What do you mean? I mean they're down. They were born down and they'll die down. The girls from Philly are down. They're down. Get raped says worst Philly accent ever. Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. You sound mysterious. You sound very

British. You guys don't know. Very purpose. Fuck you up the ass. You sound like a cunt. Yeah. He sounds British laughing my ass off. No, I'm serious. Go to sleep. Philadelphia, England. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ways. What can you do other accents to name any accent? Mid Atlantic. Oh God, what like, what is that? Right then. Say, go, that's the joke I'm looking for you idiot. All right, so what I like, I don't know where the joke is.

I never know where the joke is. The Samus is trying to do an actual, my job is to, I'm trying to call up what celebrities do I know from Ohio. Michael Moore. Mid Atlantic. I think that to call up what celebrity is doing more from Ohio. Michael Moore. Mid Atlantic. I think that's like, I can't say talk like this. Audrey Hepburn.

That shot up. Now that real affected elite, like, I don't know, it wasn't gone with the wind. It doesn't matter. Like, we're doing road rage. We're coming to your town. That's what we're doing. And it's not going to be a one off thing. I don't care. I don't care if it stays up there.

Yeah, it's a tour. We're doing some kind of a tour. I got to figure out what Sean's fucking schedule is now that is, see how his hiatus can handle a tour. He'll be fine, especially in LA. Honestly, 10 years ago, I lived in LA for 10 years. And it's like, when Kevin Smith started doing professional podcasting, what he would do is he would rent out theaters.

He would rent out the theaters down on Santa Monica and Coenca. I forget what they're called the space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those theaters. So it's like, I think what you do is you rent out a theater, you buy it out, it's yours all day. That way you guys have eight hours to fuck up the audio before people show up.

That's true. So it's not just a load of damage in eight hours, Sean. Uncaw for. And then called for, unfuckin' called for. Let's get some road equipment. We need to do equipment in it. But we need a good working portable computer. No shit.

It's not on me. You bought a house before you bought a portable computer. No shit. It's not on me. You bought a house before you bought a working computer for the podcast. All right. All right. Hands on the other foot now. I don't know about a theater though, because you can't get, you can't get shit face. Yes, you can. You bring coolers of beer and you hand it out for free because you want this audience

drunk. You don't want them spending $20. I definitely want them drunk, but I also want non-dickheads there to get fucked with and to cause mayhem and problems with. I think you gotta go, I think you gotta find a theater, or you know what,

you just buy out the mint, like a club bar. You know what, man, she's, I haven't heard that in a long time. It would be perfect. There's a lot of parking there. You know what, you're right about a theater, but It would be perfect. There's a lot of parking there. You know what? You're right about a theater, but the thing is if you rent out a bar for a night, you could even rent out the second room at the improv. Not the main stage, but the side stage at the

improv, you could probably buy that for $500,000 a night. And then, um, and then after the show, people can hit on each other and get drunk and go home together, which is what we all want. You're America's wingman. So it's like, that's true. I should somehow trick like 20 chicks into showing up at wherever we go. That would be amazing. Like if I could do a shoe sale or something. A sample sale. A sample sale. They love that. Like a puppy, a puppy zoo or something. Just get a bunch of these chicks in there. That's what they like. They love puppy sample sale. I'll just put a bunch of these chicks in there. That's what they like. They love puppies.

Sample sale, I'll just put a 50% off on the front. Lower the men, right? They don't know what 50% they don't know what it's off, but they're gonna find out. That way, they'll show you. All right, let me tell you what, so let me, we had a fun New Year's, we had an eventful New Year's

together, Stereo's, uh, Stereo's got a little action and swooped into town, swooped into town like, uh, like a Don Juan, like a stranger in the night. Don Juan, Papa Doppler. And even sexier Don Juan, I mean, town for 24 hours. And Dick and my plan was we were going to watch the Pokemon movie last night. Yeah. Dick's plan was we're going with bar. I can't even fucking I don't know what possessed us to schedule a show on New Year's Day. Optimism. I mean, just it's insanity. This is the same insane optimism that it's the same insane optimism and alcoholism that causes me to ship my pants all the time.

It's that combo. This is how I'm gonna lot me shooting my pants. Not anymore. Not anymore. I've gotten a lot better at it. I've managed it. I know what the symptoms are. I know when it starts to come.

It's not cool to trust a fart. Well, yeah. See, part of the way they take some experience. Yes. There's there's signs of when you're of that you that you trust that our falls that cause you to shoot your pants.

Like one of those signs one of those signs is you tell yourself it's not no, no, you can't shit twice in three hours. Oh, when in fact, you tell yourself, it's not, no, no, you can't shit twice in three hours. Oh. When, in fact, you can. Oh. And, but you feel that, you feel that urge and you're like, nah, that's, don't be ridiculous. I'm not gonna, I'm not going to the bathroom because I went very recently.

This one's safe. This one's safe. And, but 10 minutes later, you're talking to your neighbor, and they're going on and on, you're like, fuck, I'm not gonna get, and it sneaks up on you, the time is accelerated, I'm not gonna get inside, and the next thing, oh, you're cleaning up a mess.

Anyway, I, or you're cleaning, lady, is someone's cleaning up the mess. You're in the middle of a podcast, and you tell yourself there's no way, I'm not gonna move, I'm just not gonna move very much. I'm not gonna gesticulate very much today and keep everything where it is and it's gonna be fine and it is not.

You learn to not trust your instincts. Basically, you learn to not overthink it. That's how you avoid shitting your pants. Your body starts failing you too. Oh, that's a thing. It's like, you know, you get older, you're like the gears, the mechanisms, the hinge on the door starts to get a little rusty. So it's like, you kind of have to call into account like time as well. But I might suggest that it's possible that you're not shooting your pants as much because you're happy

Like you're not going as hard. That's interesting. That's an interesting theory. I don't know if it's true I'm only putting it out there, but it's like you've got a you live in an awesome house. I know you've got a huge fan base doing a comedy tour You're doing a cup and honestly, let me say this about the comedy tour real quick most comedians Most like C and D and even B love a comedians who go on tour, are not going on tour. What they're doing is they've booked 12 spots at 12 clubs. And so they're not. And so a lot of people that go on tour and you guys must know this from the music industry, sometimes you're paying to go out on tour, like until you become like an A-list. Well, the era of pay to play has been that way for a long time.

Yeah. Man, isn't it weird that bars and live events are really a turn off to me? If I go, if I see that anything is happening at a bar, I just turn right around. Cool. No, thank you. I'm not interested. And I don't know why that is. The worst is karaoke.

When you walk into a bar and karaoke's happening, like, I can't get the fuck out of there fast enough. I've been a bar because I don't talk to my friends. I've been a bar because I don't talk to my friends. Yeah, man. See, I just don't like being around people that much. Yeah. I really don't like to.

I don't want to go out and socialize like that for the most part. I want to see my friends. I don't know, it's all crowded. Oh, we'll go to this. I remember like, people would wanna go to like early, like late teens, early 20s, like if you had a fake ID or something, you wanna go to like,

oh, my friends would wanna go to clubs and stuff like that. I'd go like once in a blue moon and it was fucking miserable, man. I've never seen you in a club. It's because I've learned like after one or two that it was like, no, this fucking sucks. And people are pretending to like it. So many people are pretending to like it, but it fucking sucks.

Now, there was, do you remember when we went to Barney's beenery in Santa Monica? Me and Rocket, man. Me and Sean and Rocket, man, my friend, my former, my college roommate friend, who's trying to be an astronaut. Yeah, I'd say, I hope he's a fucking astronaut. We were, he is, he is a dangerous man.

That's why I wanted to be an astronaut because I want him to get him, get him the fuck off this planet. He's the only person I'm afraid to drink with. Oh, we were, something happens to his brain when he drinks. It just gets supercharged. Like he's... I don't know what happens. Yeah, he just, he causes more mayhem

that we were in, him and I were in Barney's Benery and going crazy. We find that they have a shuffleboard table there at this bar and within two seconds of playing shuffleboard, he breaks my glass because he throws a shuffleboard. No, I'm like, I threw the shuffleboard as soon as we sit there to get the shuffleboard table and he just sets his glass

in the middle of the shuffleboard table. Yeah, perfect. Immediately breaking it. So then he comes over to me and starts to try to break my glass in retaliation. Like, because he thinks we're living in a, he acts like we're living in a simulation. And that nothing is, nothing, there's no consequences to anything. He drives like a fucking man. He had a 67 Mustang that he would drive all the time with the pedal that he would follow guys on

the freeway like two feet away. Like if there's, if there is, if this is any insight into what it takes to be like a military test pilot or an astronaut, like he's fucking crazy. He was, he is not afraid of anything and he's never fuck, I've destroyed two cars. He's never even dinged one. Because it does occur to him that that would ever happen. And because of that, it does it. Because like he's creating it.

No, man. So I've never met the man tell me. Well, no, I think that line of thinking is not. I think that's, I think you're on borrowed time if you habitually do that kind of stuff. You don't think an astronaut test pilot on borrowed? Of course he's on borrowed time. I mean, if you're driving. Oh no, you probably have a lot lower chance of something

bad happening when it's when it's the top people in the world making this shit happen. Then you do driving and and relying on other people to stick to your. Well that's true, but he's never fucked up. Not yet. That's what. Well, it takes. So, so we're destroying glasses in Barney's beenery, having nipple fights and throwing, throwing haymakers, we're destroying glasses in Barney's beenery, having nipple fights and throwing, throwing haymakers. We're drunk out of control drunk. Nothing is happening at this point. So he, I see the gears turning in his mind that he's like, oh, I'm, I'm going to get kicked

out. Like I'm, I'm, he's, I know he's planning on getting, so he starts sitting in chairs. He didn't end up on stage at the comedy theater, did he that was that was the that was another guy right that was another day yeah those two are and saying and I'm not afraid to drink with him though it's just rock a man so he's sitting he starts sitting in chairs pretending that he has no bones you know just for fun so he So he keeps sliding off of, he goes to the bar and he's like sliding off of chairs going, hey, look at me, hey, look at me,

just sliding off of it. And it's still not getting a bouncer comes over and it's like, sir, you're gonna have to sit in the chair like an adult. Like a bouncer comes up, what do you say? He's like, you're gonna have to just, you're gonna have to stop doing what you're doing. That's like, that's their stock response

to everything, this guy's ever gonna stop doing what you're doing. So he goes, okay, and he turns upside down. He turns upside down in the chair and still starts pretending that he has no bones. So he's on his hands in the bar. And these guys, they're like, they're talking to him and asking him to leave, like he's a human being. Do you pick him up?

Like a child? They had to pick him up. They physically lifted him up and carried, and he's a little guy. He's not a fighter at all. He's just crazy. He just gets this demon in his eyes. That's like, that's just, he just starts,

he lives in his eyes. That's like, that's just, he just starts, I'm, he lives in, he lives in a simulation. He's a man who lives in a virtual world that we inhabit. Like he's, I think that he unplugs in the actual world every day. He pulls off his Oculus Rift and then goes and beats an accountant somewhere and then he, when he wants to unwind,

he puts the Oculus Rift up. And that's the world that we live in. Yeah. ...that he comes in. So he's getting dragged out of this still acting like a child because he knows he's a genius. Like, let me stress that part again. No, a legitimate genius.

Like, legitimate, legitimate doctor. Top prospects in NASA. Yes. And he's just, this was a long time ago too. By the way, I don't know if he, I doubt he does this anymore. I doubt he behaves like, and he wouldn't behave like this in space. He's getting dragged out with his arms up in the air. Cause he knows he's been kicked out of a shillian.

It's like, it's like a little kid who doesn't want to be picked up. Their arms go straight up so they try to slip the grass. They try to slip the lab They lower their center of gravity Fucking giant bouncer. It's like trying to man like hold a man hold the water. We need that is a man And it's like probably getting his penis touched like you know, he's probably accident like what do you do? What do you how do you carry a man without accidentally touching your penis on part of him? That's good. You cannot. That's like, that's his, that's his shame that he now has to carry is that his penis

touched a man who was pretending to be five and was not sitting in a chair properly out of a, so he gets kicked out. I'm laughing. I'm watching the whole thing. He's laughing and I'm getting kicked out. I don't even give a fuck. We're getting kicked out of the bar. I'm out to you. Either you, you're laughing, you're out to.

And the whole time Sean is sitting at the bar watching television. Fucking time, you're sitting there watching this. I have no recollection of this. You sure I was there at that burning? 100% I'm a hundred percent positive. I remember as all this was going on, I look over and you're just sitting there. Did somebody have to come to me?

Did somebody have to come get me? Like, by the way, we got kicked out. Yes, we did have to come back in because he lost his jacket. Who? A rocket man. He cannot, he always loses, just like a child. He always loses his shit. He always loses his shit.

He always loses his jacket. Like if he's got a jacket or a hat, we went to, and it'll happen, we went to October Fest, me and him. And he bought a little blue hat as we're like October Fest, which is half just drinking until you die. Yeah. And yeah, I've been to October Fest, which is half just drinking until you die. And I've been to October Fest. The actual one, I'm unit I'm talking about.

I've been, did we go? No, we went to an opposite festival. Stark beer festival. Yeah, I went to two properly, once with coach, once with Prockerman, I do not ever remember getting home. That is my, that is the first thing I'll say about October fest. Been so I've been for let's see 14 days. Don't remember getting home one fucking one time. I remember getting home one time and I got lost because this and it is it is like you think when

you're drunk, you forget the unremarkable things first. Like those are the ones that start flipping away. Yeah. And the big, the big memorable things, they, they stick the next day. This is the one time I remember getting home, leaving, there's like, like, like, there's, there's hundreds of thousands of people. And so the station, the train station to get out of October fest is a zoo. It is packed person to person loading up on these subway cars. Well, they have a lot of practice at that.

Let's be frank here. You know, there's not a jammer in there. You know what I found? Well, I did. This dude, because you're making a joke about the World War II reenactment. That's a real thing. Oh, yeah, I know. There are, of course, there are World War II reenactments. It's a big thing. It made yeah, I know there are of course real world to Reenactments. It's a big thing made sense. I just always think civil war, but anyway, well me too because I thought there's no way

They do like how do you do? How do you reenact? Do you round up people and put them in like man's and R or something like you know How many of them do you know? Asian what? Oh, yeah, it's on their way up to the searas. Did they only have you ever have you ever? I've never been to that? I'm trying to know no What's his name George to take was in man. Oh, yes, he was in the jambs in term again It's all the fascinating story on stern one time about 15 years ago 10 15 years ago Anyway, we don't talk about that. Oh, yeah, we don't talk about stuff that we don't talk about stuff that makes America look bad It's like we talk about stuff that we don't talk about stuff that makes America look bad. It's like

We talk about slavery all the time, but then in Texas, they passed a law Can't talk about slavery that said that world that said that the Civil War was not about slavery and you are not a lot of Teach that the civil war is And I understand the civil war is a slavery I understand the civil war is has has states rights I understand three little words states rights. I understand that the civil war had numerous causes because I saw that clip from the Simpsons where a poo said it during his citizenship test. Yes, yes, yes.

Don't pass a fucking law of it says like, we're not allowed to talk about stuff that makes us feel bad. Therefore, we're not going to talk about, I'm talking about fucking Texas's law that says that you can't teach slavery was the the cause of civil war. Anyway, so it's like, of course, we're not going to talk about the Japanese internment camps. It's a real bummer, dude. Like, we're going to talk about the awesome stuff we did during World War Two, how we saved the world. That's what we invented a Doomsday device. Yeah, and used it twice because once it wasn't good enough, my birthday is August 6th.

So the first one. So every time I wake up and I turn on the TV on my birthday, it's always like, Hiroshima remembered. Like 150,000 people died this day. I'm just like, happy birthday, me, hooray. Yeah. You know, he wanted to turn that into like a tactical nuke,

Oppenheimer? That was his plan. Not to do, not a big like city destroying thing. He's like, that's not going to work. That'll just terrify people. That's not a military weapon. They said, well, that's what we're doing. After the test, you said, well, no, we're all sons of bitches. Yeah. And he said, I have become death destroyer of world. Oppenheimer. A little melodramatic. But it's a good line. It was like, was that Oscar Wilde? I was an Oscar Wilde. Now that was him. Do you think he looked that quote?

Because Neil Armstrong had that quote ready. Yeah, and he fucked it up. No, he didn't. He didn't fuck it up. What happened was a word was mistransmitted. I don't believe that. Because they studied the audio waveform pattern later and they found the air at work.

I don't believe that. I know that. So, you know, the real arm sounds like he fucked it up, but I don't, because it's better that way. It is better that way. It sounds better. The way that they wrote it sounds to be one small step for a man. Yeah.

One giant leap for man. For a man kind. Yeah, for mankind. It's better. But he left all his battery. Go Eagles. That's what he. It's better. She loves college better. Go Eagles. That's what he was, that was supposed to be the full, um, he brought a better, he could throw it at moon man.

There was a big controversy about this, the actual radio transmission where they said what is there, he was saying, they found the missing a that it was just garbled. Yeah. Because the audio equipment was coming from space. Yeah, no shit. Yeah. And I, I, I listened to it. I just don't buy it. I could just make more sense that he remembered it the way it sounds better. You know, well, I'm glad that it worked. Look, whether or not they call it the errant A. Errant A, the missing A, whether or not, I mean, look, I'm not a fucking audio technician.

Neither is anyone in this room. But I know, all I know is that, it sounds way better that way. Shorters better. It's brevity's the soul of wit. Anyway, this guy on Twitter is a World War II reenact. Awesome. And he wants me, and he wants the whole gang to come out and do a reenact their awesome. And he wants me and he wants the whole gang to come out and be a do a reenactment.

Really? Yeah. Do you have any? Yeah. Victoryville, California. That would be fucking fun. It would be funnest shit, right? Yeah.

So he says that he says that they do, they do have Nazis. Of course he did. People play the Nazi side. Sure. He says he only plays Americans and Soviets and that some of the Nazi side has some questionable tattoos. They're like the guy at the swap meet that's some for some reason has a, it's like I get it.

You're selling historical artifacts here with the, with the, the symbol and the thing. But then you also have a giant swastika hanging, like is that part, is that part just, you know, there's always that guy at the SWAT me. It's just a line. It's like, okay, I get it. I understand that the guy, I understand the abstraction, the layer of abstraction that you're working with here,

but you keep piercing it. You keep sticking your finger through it and it's making it difficult for me to enjoy this for what we're pretending it is, for what you're pretending it is. And I like, it sounds like there's a similar thing happening with the Nazi side in these World War II. Of course there is.

Do they? Of course. Go ahead. Do they try to be as historically accurate as possible for all battles? Like what kind of like artillery they had and like who like flanked the, you know, all the, all the maneuvers, all the flanking down, man. They got all, but like also, how do you kill other people? You like, I think the way it works is like you point at each other and then like a referee is like, you're dead and then you have to lay down.

Like it's kind of like people, it's like larping. It's like a rock paper scissors. Wait a minute, is it a contest then? No, because what you're doing is you gotta win. The right side's gotta win the war. Because you're literally reenacting what happened, but those one on one battles, it's like, well, look, we'd understood that the Germans went here

and that the allies won here. But like, if you're a fake Nazi and I'm a fake ally soldier, I think you do a thing where like, you point at each other and then someone just goes like if you're a fake not, so you know I'm a fake ally soldier, I think you do a thing where like, you point at each other and then someone just goes, like you're dead. Like because it's not really about that. It's more about going to the end. That's the thing in dressing up.

I don't think you need a ref. Well, because you went through all the trouble of dressing up and having pretend weapons. If you get, do you just get up then and play more? After you get shot? That's what I would do. And then they run up, they do the next thing. You just like get, do you just get up then and play more? After you get shot, that's what I would do. I would get shot and then they run up,

they do the next thing. You just like get up and you're like, all right, I'll go join another division. I'm not gonna let you roll. I'm gonna let you roll. I got all my cool Nazi stuff on. Not just gonna sit here, sit staring up at the fucking sky,

pretending to be dead. Yeah, because it's a week and stuff on. It's a waste of a weekend then. And that's expensive stuff. These are all questions I need to know. These are all questions I need to know. Questions I need to know. All right.

All right. Well, it's making me so anyway, we had a great, we had a, I started all that talking about New Year's. Oh, and then we're talking about the bonus episode. And then we're talking about the bonus episode. And then we were talking about

the bonus episode. And then we were talking about New Year's and how much fun it was. It was great. And how stupid it was to plan a show the day after New Year's when I, I mean, I woke up and it was a, it was a three hour shower day. I woke up and finally christened the shower at the new place by setting S to ground. Because that's when you're really using that shower. So far, I've just been using it to soap off my body. Right, right.

And today, like a human being. Like a human being. Today, I used it for not an intended purpose by sitting on the floor and soaking in misery and just letting, letting that shower, letting the water wash over me. Great shower for that too. Nice to know, the old shower in the old place, it had this annoying habit of turning suddenly, scalding hot. So you've got the water going and it always, always you get those three or four

streams that whack on your dick. So you've got a position yourself, you've got to keep it covered up. Because like the calcium or the lime scale deposits or something, I've turned it into a water. And you try to water night. You can't point it at your face. If you're lying down in the shower, you can't point it at your face because it's like

water. It's like water torture, man. It's just, it'll keep for some. So you try to point it at your chest and you don't want to point it at your dick for obviously, but it's always got those one or two shots, those offshoots. So you end up laying there in the shower with your hands over your private. It's like a, like a soccer player doing a penalty, taking a penalty kick, but every once in a while, the pipes would rattle and this old, in the old building in Hollywood and mega city one, and it would get scalding hot like a fucking

knife for like 10 seconds. And there was always a panic. The worst time to be panicked is when you're sitting there thinking that you're going to throw up your soul, you're just seeking that 10 minutes in the shower, the three hours in the shower, just lay there. the shower, it is laid there, and it would just, I would be drifting off into a nice slumber, it's the water, and I would hear that in the pipes, and go, oh, fuck, no.

Fuck, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's about to swallow my penis off with a red hot, this, this shower, no such, no such penis, no such penis scalding happening. Well, because you have your own water here. I don't have water. Yeah, I don't have water. It's right over there.

I can point to the hot water heater. It's right there. It's a new looking water heater. It's called the defender. I had a bunch of rage topics today, but I think we're all, what's Jesus? How long are we in?

Oh, wow. Already a 35. I open the door. I open the door when I drove over here, and the first thing Dick says is, we are Already a 35. I open the door. I open the door when I drove over here. And the first thing Dick says is, we are in bad shape. Well, we're in bad shape. We're in bad fucking shape.

I'll tell you what. If you want to hear about our crazy New Year's Eve adventures, you're talking about it in the bonus episode. It's pretty sexy. Yeah, I'm sorry. Let's see. Here's, I'll tell you what makes me rich this week.

Faking's Iity. That's my new prediction of what is gonna sweep America from California. I don't know if this is only in America. I don't know if this is only in California. Think this check, you remember I saw that Ron White show or flying with the Vegas for a couple nights. He's talking to Kayla.

Talking to Kayla. I didn't bining. I was interested in the flavor of the tequila flying back from Vegas packed flight. Packed flight for so used to be you could fly to Vegas for $50 and it was a nice experience. The plane was always dead empty except for you and six six strippers who would fly back prostitutes, right? They fly to Vegas and strippers flying back as courts. It was that was the flight. That was that was a it was a nice night.

Couple business men going to blow. Now I don't know what happened, but it is packed now. Every fucking flight, they're hard to somebody stopped. To Vegas. Somebody stopped with the free gravy train of Vegas. So we're flying back. Well, that would be, you know how that worked, right?

They would, No, the tourism board or whatever of department of Las Vegas would subsidize Southwest. Oh, really? That's why they could offer the flights for like 59 bucks. That's how I think Maddox got that shitty elevator show. It was a nice. I think that remember when Maddox did that show?

Yes. Because he would be absolutely abysmal to look at as a host of a game show. And he's sitting there having small talk with people asking if they'd rather have aides or never be able to talk for the rest of his life because that's his version of small talk. Did that show ever air? No, and I think it was just a money making scheme. I think it was, we'll make a show and get a bunch of subsidies. Tax right off. Yeah,

write that all off and get a big cash because it was in old Vegas. Well, if you're good, if you're gonna recreate the producers, you should probably hire Maddox as you lead anyway. Can you imagine somebody harder to look? I'm sorry. I'm listening to you. I nut, look, you know what? 40 minutes in until we mentioned he who shall not be funny, I think that's a pretty good record for this show. Yeah, I think, you know, a lot of people complain about it, but I would like a minute count, like an actual accounting of how much we talk about Maddox on the show from, I mean, we'll put the top artists on it that we have.

They're incredible. I we all we all have it in us. I know. But they're going through on the subreddit and then like calculating. They did a lot of calculating in mind. Mad Cux is going ballistic. I love it. Shout out to my to the topist of all artists, ACI OU. Love that man. Yeah, he's great. Anyway, we're flying back from Vegas, packed flight. And this woman comes storming down. We in the 80s, we all got the last two seats together in the back. Like that was it.

No more seats together. Somehow, by some miracle, some idiot decided to sit in the middle somewhere. So we got two seats together. So we sit down, getting adjusted a little bit, hung over, hung over, of course. And this woman who looks, she's on the wrong side of 40. That's what you know, it's that, it's that kind of look where you look just a little mean. I don't like the mean side of 40. That's what she's on. She comes like Diane Keaton's angry sister or she comes stomping down the aisle.

And she of course hits into the flight attendant with the classic, well, I need two seats together because I have anxiety. She's saying this loud enough, I have really, really bad anxiety and I need to sit with my friend. Like she's got some, I don't know, perhaps this is a real thing that if you're sitting there agonizing over a plane ride that millions of people do every fucking day, if you have your friend there, somehow this calms your imaginary panic. That's what she, so she's playing the sad song

of, I need to sit with me, and not in a nice way. That's why it bugged me immediately because I'm thinking this bitch knows and expects someone to move. She's not even feigning being apologetic about it. Yeah. You know, we're just like, I, there's a way to do that. Yeah. You don't look like a shithead.

It's not like you, it's not like you have no legs. Because you have to know that you're putting someone else out. Exactly. And that it's not real. That's the most important part is this is a, this is something that's in your mind. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're making other people.

It's like you could literally say anything and it is exactly the same as you're having too much anxiety to find, oh, I can't sit in a middle seat because I think that middle seats are full of ass grabbing gremlins. It's the same fucking thing. So that's your, go ahead. Oh no, I have to say

very similar experience of my flight over here. I'm in town for 24 hours. I flew away. Oh, let me, let me, because this gets much better. So this poor kid, violent poor, poor 16 year old kid, maybe even younger, but actually a little older problem. People, my estimation of ages is, is, I need to do it. I would break it up. I know. As I go. I think it's hard when you're holding your 26. How old is it? It's like, are you 12 or 30? I don't know.

What the right, yes. Yeah, I'm noticing that with athletes now, I always wondered, do people play in football? Do my parents like see them as kids? Like, how does it, because they always look like adults to me. Yeah. And then now recently, they do not look like adults to me. They look like idiots. I look like little kids running. Yeah. College kids I absolutely see them as fucking little

kids and it's weird. Because it's like, I'm not that much older than you, but I'm treating them like I would treat a 12 year old. Yeah. It's weird. So this poor kid gives up his seat being the doing the chivalrous thing or doing the gentlemanly thing. Whatever do you want to call it? And everybody, everybody else had the glazed over look on. This this sky magazines very interesting. Talk about her eggs her faking side anymore. This kid moves woman sits down. This is down, friends, it's down next to her. This beautiful Asian girl, right?

I'm thinking, oh, at least got something to look at here. Maybe build a little fantasy threesome up. It might, by the way, great threesome story in the bonus episode, the bonus episode seven, if you want to check that out. At least I get some out of this, right? This poor guy has to go sit up between the fattest two people on the planet. Of course. So this chick gets that, now I'm watching this girl like a hawk now, because I want to see

it. Yeah, yeah, because I now, now this is a dysfunction that I want to break apart. I have this thing in. I just want to know what's going on. I want to see where, I don't see this creature often in the wild. So I want to see, because she's going around all day, causing problems for people. She pops out of her baggy, a sausage McMuffin,

and a piping hot coffee. For her, this is a woman who's so crippled with anxiety, that she can't sit alone, and she's pulling out a sausage sandwich, because that's what the runner up to Pepto Bismal, if you're having an anxiety, is a sausage, a dripping with grease, sausage sandwich, and a fucking hot coffee.

And if you're really, really anxious, generally, you don't wanna eat. You don't wanna eat. You don't wanna fucking eat, so. You're just, really anxious, generally, you don't want to eat. You don't want to eat. You don't want to fucking eat so much. You're showing down before the flight, even fucking take soft. She's mowing, soying through this sausage McMuffin. Like she's hasn't eaten and we just tearing through. Go ahead.

No, look, I will say this. I suffer from crippling anxiety. Like I talk to you about... Fucking lie. Lie. Not all of you. I just think. I'll go toling anxiety. Like I talk to you about- Fucking lie. Lie. All in your talk. I just think. I'll break in your head.

I think. Here's how anxious I am. I thought you were being serious. No, I'm not like. I mean, it looked at me like, what? Seriously. That was fucking way over the line. Exactly.

It's like, oh right, he's joking, right? Truth, facts. Like anxiety is a curtain. It is like a six foot pain of clear glass. Yeah. Between you and what is actually happening. So eating is an extra, it's not rational. Of course, that's the thing. Definition of anxiety is fear where there is no cost. Yeah, and it doesn't, that's a definition of it. That doesn't change that it feels real to you. Of course not. But so I will say this as an anxiety suffer, one of the reasons

I overeat is because I'm nervous and eating gives me something will say this, as an anxiety suffer, one of the reasons I overeat is because I'm nervous and eating gives me something to do. But as an anxiety suffer, I know not to drink coffee. I made a huge mistake drinking these two diacos. My heart is racing. Caffeine is the worst thing you can do. So if you're gonna play the medical anxiety card, don't fucking drink a McDonald's coffee, which probably has twice the cafe.

Well, I didn't do that. I solved the mystery of what the anxiety was because as this broad is getting off the plane, she's helping her beautiful Asian seat partner there, hand right on the ass. Yeah. Right on the ass. Girl reaches back, hand right on top. And I thought, you son of a bitch. You just wanted to sit next to your little girlfriend, who is 20, who by the way, I think you've tricked into being in this relationship. Like you can, you, you, you something else is, you can rip on everybody in the world can rip on an old man, praying on a young woman. That's perfectly okay.

But I'm sitting there wondering, wait a minute, am I allowed to rip on this old lesbian for bagging this young 20 something, caught like, is that okay? Absolutely. Why not? Why not? If you were a man,

I would be thinking the exact same fucking thing. How much did that cost? What is it? Like how did you con this beautiful young woman into being in this carpet munching? How did that fucking happen? Okay, we can, let's, we don't need to. All I'm saying is, I mean, when you, when you see the older younger and then more importantly, the ugly pretty dynamic.

Yeah. Yeah. Either way, sometimes it would seem like a 50 year old lady with like a young 20 year old dude who's ripped. It's like, it has nothing to do with the gender, the sexuality. It's that there's a power dynamic. And that's what you're picking up on. One of them has money. I know the one doesn't.

I think she got duped. I think that the Lajian girl got duped. You don't think it was about money. You think it was, you think it was, she got duped in love. Yeah, I think she got duped. I think that the Lajian girl got duped. You don't think it was about money. You think it was, you think it was, I think it's just, yeah, I think she got duped into this fucking thing. Okay. Because I'm seeing how this bitch gets her seat

with her little lifer. I'm like, what the fuck happened here? How's this trip to Vegas? This is on the trip back. So you can't sit for fucking 40, fucking 35 minutes. Without your little lesbian life partner, like give me a break, that sounds like a fucking dream.

I was looking for two, I was like, no baby, we gotta sit up front. Let's sit up front. We got it, she's like, well then we can't sit together. Oh, that didn't even occur to me. I don't know. Oh, I don't know the seats. I don't know the seats.

They look like those are seats are kind of dinged up back there. I don't know if we sit back there. All right, a series one makes it really yeah What makes me rage oh well, and also I dated this fucking this anxiety shit is out of con I dated this girl Who would bring her dog everywhere the last thing we want is more dogs anywhere. More dogs belong outside. They belong at your fucking house. That's their your problem. Keep them to your fucking side.

They're bringing dogs into stores now. This bitch would bring, this chick would bring her dog everywhere. And if they, at the Griffith Park Observatory, great laser show, you know, Planetarium up at the top of the mountain in Griffith Park in LA, she brings her dog there. And when they question her on it, Great laser show, you know, planetarium up at the top of the mountain in Griffith Park, in LA. She brings her dog there. And when they question her on it, she goes, oh, it's my anxiety dog. It's my service dog for having anxiety.

I'm like, this is sweeping the fucking nation here. It's fake anxiety shit is sweeping the whole show. She is sitting there fucking with her dog because guess what? Number one, it's not a service dog. So it's been, number two, it was raised by an idiot, so it was, it behaves terrible at all fucking times. And number three, you're, this is why they don't want dogs here. The dog doesn't want to watch a planetarium show, so it's just causing problems the entire time. Same thing happened to me on my flight out here. I'm sitting next to two Australians.

So they're hot at shit. So I already don't like them. One of them's got a baby. No, man, man, man, woman, one of them's got a baby. And then something starts hitting my feet. And I think to myself, is the baby loose? Like is the baby loose on this plane? Do I have to save this baby? And then something like starts looking and biting me and it's a dog and it looked down and it's a fucking weenier dog and it's wrapped up in one of those little dog harnesses that says,

service dog. Yeah, go get it. And it's like, you can buy online, just buy online. It'll weenier dog is a service dog. That's the first thing I thought, because what a real service dog is this, does is this, a real service dog for people who have PTSD

for our fucking soldiers who went to war and came back, what a real service dog can do is it can sniff that you're having an anxiety attack before you even realize it. The dog knows you're about to panic, it can smell it and sense it. So what the dog does is it jumps on your lap and starts looking your face.

Is that real? Yes, absolutely. That is what an anxiety, that is what an anxiety, that's what a, I train 80s girl to do that. Can you teach people how to do that? Just wrap it up in one of those harnesses, put service girl on it.

That is what an anti-anxiety service dog does, but you, nine out of 10 of these service dogs are because someone didn't want to put their dog in the fucking cargo. It's such bullshit. It's such bullshit. And unfortunately to protect the 10% of people that genuinely have anxiety, we have to put up with a 90% of people who are using it as a work around for boarding their dog. Yeah. For putting their dog in a car ghost thing or sending it on another thing,

it's bullshitting me. It makes us feel bad. Exactly. Well, it makes you rage, it's there else. It's a very similar thing on an airplane. So now I'm sitting next to these two people, okay? They have a baby and a dog and they're both hot. I don't like anything that's happening to my left.

I don't like any of it. So I reach for the armrest so I can like go to sleep, put my arms on the armrest and go to sleep. His arm is there. There's only one armrest between us. My rage is single armrest situations. I don't know why this is still happening. It is 2016. If I'm in a show, if I'm in a live show, and I'm sitting like a fucking theater show, why is there only one armrest for two people? Why is that?

A lot of my theaters are still like that too. That is exactly correct. Plains, why is there only one armrest for two people? We have two arms. We each need an armrest. Most of us have two arms. Yeah. If you don't, you may have a service dog. And you know what? we have two arms. We each need an arm rest. Most of us have two arms. If you don't, you may have a service dog.

And you know what? If you don't, it's not your problem. Because the other person can use the arm rest. You can't use. I don't understand it. It's confused me since I was a kid. And as somebody who again, little fucking nervous, I'm always like, well, how much do I get half of it?

Do I get like the top half of the arm rest or the bottom half? Maybe I take this one, but I how much do I get half of it? Do I get like the top half of the armrest or the bottom half? Maybe I take this one, but I leave this one for the other person. Like, is that how this works? Like, we kind of each give the person to all right? Like, we pass the armrest on the left hand side. You get the, if you're in the window.

So, you get the window. So, you abandon the left. That's what I did. And if you're in the aisle, you get the aisle. So you abandoned, I think the middle person is there to, as they're, to make up for that they're in the middle, they get both. Well, that's what happened because I was in the window. So I took, so I took my one and it's like, and this guy's got a baby and a dog on him.

And you know neither of those things were his ideas. He's Australian. Like, he didn't want this to happen. She was, she's just fucking hot. And it's what happened to him, the poor son of a bitch. Yeah. And so it's like, I wasn't fortunate enough to get a dingo to eat that baby.

Oh, what an epic great God. That's such a great idea for a service. Dingo abortions moving on, moving on, moving on. Like, yeah, so I'm like, all right, buddy, you can have the armrest. You're in a real bad spot here. Like, I don't know. You got annexed.

Your armrest got annexed and you were in the middle. It did. It got annexed by the fucking Australians. They're the, it's the country got to watch out for most and risk and it's the country got you got to watch out for most unpleasant. I do always get in fights with Australians. Man, they want to do it. They want to do it.

Yeah, me too. They're the only, wherever I am in the world, I always find the Australian getting to a fight with Australians. Man, they want to do it. Yeah, me too. They're the only, wherever I am in the world, I always find the Australian and get into a fight with them. It's a continent of dicks. And I mean, dick in both ways. It's like everyone there is you. They're all in shape. They all love to drink and they're all looking for an excuse.

Yeah, that's true. It's why Australian girls are the fucking hottest. I am. All right, let me see here. How about you want to talk to lettuce, Jones? Of course. We got lettuce said lettuce is going to, he's going to jail next week. Yeah. So before he goes to jail, he said he would call in and tell us what he's going to jail for. And hopefully, hopefully give us another thing to make some rage. Let me see if he's around. Hey, is this lettuce Jones?

Yo. Hey, lettuce Jones. What's going on? This is Dick. What's up, man? Hey, so yeah, everyone wants to know what the hell? Are you going to jail? Are you going to prison? It's jail. It's jail. Okay. Is that that's the, that's the one you want to be in, right? Well, actually, I explained this on the voicemail, and then after I heard it, I realized that I misspoke.

Okay. But basically, yeah, jail is like, very serious fucking lockdown, whereas prison's more freedom, because when you go to prison, you're going there for, you know, a year or so. You're more probably. I don't know that.

So you get more freedom because you're there for a while, so they want you to live there more or less? Yeah, I guess. I mean, I heard that, you know, in prison, you can have like a TV and your cell, you can, you know, maybe walk around. I think there's like an actual library. You can like go to and regular library whereas in jail, it just seems to be like a bunch of fucking stupid golf magazines and some asshole rich guy just dropped off as a joke.

For a bunch of fucking, you know, just in franchise black people to read. Yeah, but, uh, anyway, but okay, so so wait, you're going in for how long for eight months? It's nine months maximum, but if I'm lucky, I'll be out in two. Oh, yeah. All right. So what? Okay, let's guess. We were trying to guess what lettuce is going in for. Did we end up on who ended up on something violent? Oh, I don't know. Did anyone, because I'll take something violent

if it's available. All right. Well, let me know. I like a barf, like a barf fight. Not like a domestic abuse thing. Like yeah, he punched a guy who was being an asshole at a bar. Because it could be nine months. So I'm, yeah, nine, okay.

I don't know, nine, like I, I know a guy, I think this is your story. A guy who punched a cop on St. Patrick's Day and got fine $50 for it. Yeah. The fuck? Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah.

You can go. He said the judge was an old like Irish guy and he's like, the line was, he's like, he was drunk in a bar on St. Paddy's day, 50 bucks for acting like an asshole. Yeah. This is a judge. That's great. He's crazy in the world.

That's awesome. And he was like, he, I think that I don't know. Do you remember the story? What? judge. That's great. That's awesome. And he was like, he, I think that, I don't remember the story. What wasn't the guy pissing outside and the cop came over and grabbed him. And he just spun around and clocked him. Yeah. Yeah. He was, he was, it was, yeah, I know it was at, um, O'Brien's. Yeah. And, uh, it like Santa Monica. This is what I want. This is the kind of stuff that I want happening on road rage. Okay, so I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go with bar fight that was caused over an argument about a tattoo.

Okay. That's my guess. Stereo, you got a guess? I'll defer to Sean real quick while I come with mine. Well, that's why I picked you because you're a comedian. He said much to think about this. All right. I'm gonna have to pick a bite.

I'll tell you what I think it is. I just want to think about this. All right. I'm gonna have to think about it. I'm gonna have to think about it. I'll tell you what I think it is. I just wanna know the answer. I just wanna know the answer. All right, okay. I'll ask the improv comedian to come up with thousands of improv classes. You want him to come up with anything?

Think about it for a second, because he's an audio engineer. I'll ask you. I'll tell you immediately, fuck Sean Ocher. I sure did. I'll do it every time. Like a guy with the menu. I'm ready to order. Come back to me. You everybody else go first. That. I'll do it every time. Like a guy with the menu. I'm ready to order it.

Come back to me. Everybody else go first. That is what I do. All right. You don't come back fast enough though. You let that waitress get away. She's gone forever. I'm going to say DWI, but then after you got into some sort of altercation with a cop,

I'm going to say DWI plus something else. You fought gonna say DWI plus something else. You fought with the DWI plus something. Because the DWI doesn't send you to jail for nine months. It does if you don't pay. Interesting. Okay. Well, I didn't know that. I was gonna go with Jesus.

Yeah, and I don't even know I'm fuzzy on this, but I was gonna go with something that was, the penalty was exacerbated because of something or a series of things he did not take care of. Uh, one of those cascading penalty events. Yeah. That's how they fuck poor people in America. What happened to me? How happened?

I ended up, um, why didn't, no, I didn't know what, I didn't get any penalties for it. But through a series of events I was driving with no license, no one shirt, like no, no, no, no, nothing for like a year and a half. Uh-huh. Cause I couldn't fix this thing in my car. So I couldn't get a smog tested and I couldn't get it insurance on it. Cause one test, I couldn't get my license. Cause I had to, so I had to go in and like, I was going to have to take the test again, but I flirted with the DMV girl.

And then I failed the test, the written test, and she gave it to me anyway. Yes! So you're, what are you going for, Sean? What's your, man? I don't know what, I don't know what he could have allegedly done. Well, he did it, he's gone, gone.

Oh, that doesn't mean anything. So you ask like, what are you in for? Not what did you do? Okay. You know? Cause I'm innocent. That's right. We're gonna end here, is innocent. I've seen Shawshank. Yeah, you mean like for real innocent. Are you innocent? Letters, I don't know

You don't know all right. All right. What did you do? Respect Yeah, dick is like it was a fight. It was I know a baller when I knew. No, I can hear it. It's not about a tattoo. I have no tattoos. I would thought you would be shitting on someone else's tattoo. Like if someone had a mem- in memoriam tattoo on their back and you're like, why does your- why

is your baby so ugly on this tattoo? And you're like, you son of a bitch and they turn around. Yeah, no. Um, basically, it's, uh, it's kind of a long story, but a long story short, I beat up a guy who I thought robbed me, but turned out it was actually my roommate who was secretly doing heroin. Oh boy.

And fucking, you know, just turned into a completely different person and betrayed me. Your roommate robbed you to get heroin money. You thought it was someone else and you beat that person up. Well, and not only that, but the roommate who's really stole it from me made up this like story about how you thought this other guy did. Yeah. You believe that shit?

Man, that's fucked up. That is fucked up. I'm telling you, but it's still terrible. Yeah, it really it's a crazy fucked up situation and honestly, I kind of got off a little easy. Um, how bad did you be like, how did that fight go down? Did you just did you did you text him and say I want my stuff back? What are these? There was no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I played for a few and so I was an ambush. It was an ambush. Did you question him on stealing the stuff? Or was it straight, you did? It was, I mean, listen, you already talked about it in your mind. Talk about what makes me a rage, like just, like I was just born a rage. Just like, I mean, that's why I love this show

because I mean, at least, you know, often till a year ago, I was nothing but pure rage and it bubbled over into my first, you know, legal incident. Cause I'm not in that jail, you know, I mean, I've always been bad, but I never got caught, you know. He's my time being caught in life. But, you know, all I'm gonna say, I wanna say something, all the dickheads,

right there, all right. Violence is not the answer. And I'm not even being, you know, I'm not making a joke about this. I mean, cause long story short, I honestly do think I deserve it. I was out of line, you know, I thought I had all the evidence, but in real life, you don't know shit, you know, just so just remember that people. When you think you're 100% sure about something, you're not. What was the evidence that you thought you had? Well, the evidence I had was the fact that

he was already on probation for stealing stuff. you believe you're roommate. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and also yeah, I believe my room Yeah, sure guy this guy had borrowed hundreds of dollars from me before and he was the only friend I ever had who always paid me back Everyone everyone everyone on my other friends like you know, I have a huge list and it's all just like yeah So-and-so 50 bucks. Yeah, the other guy bucks, you know, from like two years ago, never paid me back. My roommate though, always paid me back, always super good. So yeah, you had, he had a good line of credit with you. Yeah.

You figured there's no reason not to trust him. He had a story that you found plausible. This other guy's already been. This other guy's already been stupid. Exactly. And plus the other, the guy in beat up wasn't white, which is like a big problem, all right? I mean, you look at him and you're like, well, this guy's got the criminal tone. He must have done something He was white. He was white. He wasn't white. He was white. Where did you get that?

I was just trying to trick you. I want to see if I was correct. Asterios is always hawking his liberal agenda. Asterios. A lot of how he's sneaky about it. But yeah, another thing was, you see, and this day I don't know, but he was telling me this story about how a wallet and a phone disappeared and then they brought it up,

you know, they mentioned it and then all of a sudden it reappears. And so I call the other guy who was at the house, because, you know, there was this, it happened on a weekend when I was away from my house. I was still bringing Thanksgiving with the family, went to Kansas City, then I come back the next weekend.

I realized, you know, $1,000 is missing. $1,000 in cash. Yeah. Sitting around your place. Yeah, well, you know, I told myself I need to, I should have put it in the bank, but it was too busy. So I can trust later on.

I can trust later on. You know, I guess my roommate did some snooping and found it. And I assume that, you know, the other guy did it because, yeah, like I said, I guess my roommate did some snooping and found it and I assume that you know the other guy did it because yeah Like I said, I called what scumbagly at my house Yeah, he said oh, yeah, I remember the same thing He was like basically confirming the story that my roommate told me about how the cell phone and this wallet disappeared Yeah, and they both just like knew it was the other guy who was being blamed

But if he's snooping around your room, if he's snooping around your room, does that mean he found like any juicy stuff? Did you have any copies of milk that are Uncle's farm, Leo? Like what? Well, that's what I would be thinking. If I'm missing money, I'm like, wait a minute. What else did they find floating around my room here? I'm pretty good at, you know, hiding stuff like that.

Just not money. That's not money. That's not money. That's the test. You gotta hide like a fake something, like a fake copy of like play girl or something. So next time this happens, you got, Yeah. It's the 1970s, what the fuck is this?

What are you, what are you, what are you, just get the play girl with Bert, whatever it is, like we all are. I don't know where you guys do. What a game, what are gay men looking at these days if it's not playgirl?

Whatever, like a big dong magazine or something, you hide that. Just get the songs quarterly. Next time this happens, you go, you find the guy who made you suspect of stealing your money and drop a little, drop some, some gay stuff to trick him to see if he found

your stash of gay pornography. So if I start getting questions like, uh, hey, so let us, um, you wouldn't by chance like the looks of that guy's butt. Would you? Or, yeah, if I start getting weird questions, that guy stole your stuff, that, then you start raining down the blows on that gentleman. Glad we're fighting new ways to beat up gay people on them. Glad we're cracking the whole of the game bashing Adam here on the Dixia. The more liberal agenda from his theory. What is, okay. Someone's got to say it.

So you, I would, but anyway, no, there's another element to store. So actually, I got this random text from a mysterious person months after I got you know bailed out of jail after getting arrested You know and everything yeah, um, so and it turns out it was actually it was him It was the guy and he got a restraining order afterwards So he wasn't even supposed to be contacting me, but he went on Android and Made one of those he used one of those apps that like gives you a free phone numbers You can text people or whatever right the ones the use of text prostitutes right here Yeah, yeah, so he texted like no and need to be some like dude

He's like oh man. I heard that you did this and that and that and I'm like, you know What I'm not talking you blah blah, but eventually he ends up revealing to me that it was him and then so then I call him We had a long chat and we were both like you know He was saying he forgave me and I was telling him, I was so sorry because he knew, he knew, he actually hurt that my friend who, you know, did this to me, he actually ended up going to jail too because he was involved and when he was in jail, he was involved. Wait, because he was involved in what? He was involved in the, you know, beat down.

So this guy knowing that he's guilty of stealing your thousand bucks. Yeah. Rides along on the assault and watches you be helps you beat up enough. It's the perfectly. I don't know. And I, you know, in the other room, just, uh, man, you know, doing well, whatever. I can't trust anybody. The long story.

You can not trust anybody. We trust people until until they fuck up. And that's it. No, but that's what let us did that you can't trust anybody. The long story short, you're right. You cannot trust anybody. We trust people until they fuck up. And then that's it. No, but that's what let us did. That you can't even start trusting them. You just immediately can't fucking start. Because eventually they will always disappoint you. Ah, it's like my parents have no story, man.

Sorry, because this is like, you know, fifth time I've been fucking, you know, just stabbed in the back by somebody. It feels like everyone I put any kind of trust into they mainly fuck me but yeah that's life I guess you got to get yourself to a new town when you get when you get out of there get yourself to a new you know I can't get a character do you know what is honestly I was even telling my lawyer like can I spend a little bit more time in jail so I can just

be off of probation to move to fucking Canada or Mexico like Like I, well, not, I always stay American. I'll stay American. Maybe Chicago would be nice. Colorado, something like that. We're always pictured, let us from an East Coast city. Yeah. I'm in St. Louis. I don't know why I talk like this.

Everyone thinks I'm a fucking like guy from New Jersey or Boston. I think I've just watched too much of the superannos and it just sunk. Yeah, it's because it's cool to sound like that. I think I faken accent like that all the time on the show. I just like sounding like a cool tough guy. Yeah, you do sound New York sometimes. Yeah, I do that on purpose. I know you sound like I was saying.

I love to sound cool. My buddy, my roommate who betrayed me, he was telling anyone who would fucking listen in jail about how he like, you know, stole from his roommate and he felt so bad about it. It was really fucked up because my cellmate, my cellmate after, I was there for like a couple weeks and then I got switched to this other cell that Frost, sorry my friend used to be in and so my cellmate was telling me like you know he's like, I told him what I

was in for you know and when I told him that he looked at me like, oh, dude, I've got a story for you. And I didn't know what to believe him, because this is some random sell mate. This guy tells me about how he does heroin and that being addicted to heroin's like a myth or something, this guy was crazy. But anyway, he was telling me that, like, yeah, he told me that he stole it from you because he

needed to pay it for heroin. And at this point, I had no, I knew nothing about him doing heroin. He had lied to me and actually told me that he got caught with cocaine because I guess, you know, that's better. It's not as bad. I mean, come on, we all know that the coke and heroin, they aren't really the same animals. No, they're not. So, he kind of sugarcoated it. Never get out. I got caught with some coke because the cop pulled me over for speeding and I had to bail him out for that.

And I thought it was weird and I thought that maybe he was having some issues because he used to be addicted to spice. I don't know if you know what that is. I do not know what it's going to do. It's synthetic marijuana. It's synthetic weed. It's like the most dangerous thing you can sm- It's terrible.

Why would you want synthetic weed? Because you can't get real weed. So you go to the gas station and buy synthetic weed. And when you smoke it, you feel all fucked up. Well, the reason you feel all fucked up is because you're poisoning yourself. It's not like salvage. You can buy it.

You can buy it. It is. It is. You take a big enough hit. You can, I went into a world that I've never been in before I've had a worst trip than I'm not obvious by you that shit no good It you just stay a mile away from it that no be it's the only thing you just stay away from

Well, it's like if you put a Lego into a bong and smoked it you'd get all fucked up too because you're ingesting chemicals It's like yeah a whip it is you is you depriving your brain of oxygen. That's why you feel fucked up Yeah, it's like yeah, you'll get fucked up But it's terrible The spice stuff is is really it's something else because to the people who don't freak out for whatever reason like my my roommate They get addicted to it to the point where they like have a physical need It's really something weird. I think that in the future, when we do more studies on it, we're gonna find out that it's one of the most fucked up things

that has ever been done by people. That's my personal opinion, just because what I've seen firsthand, it's really weird stuff. Well, that's a good tip. I'll stay away from this. So anyway, synthetic marijuana. That's my story, guys.

So what can we do? Where can we send you stuff in prison? If people wanna send you a donk-cloning kit or melted or uncle's farm trilogy? By the way, I got an Alexa for Christmas. And 80s girls says she's like looking at all the cute things it can do. And she goes, Alexa, read me a story. And the fucking Alexa, because it's hooked up to my account.

And it's the only audio book I've ever purchased because the old show, I got it to, you know, to rip on it. It starts fucking reading milk that her uncle's farm. She sat through, she sat through a good amount of it and like went to sleep. It was like nice going to sleep. Me, it was Gille Horni, Gille, little sleep. Yeah, anyway. So watch out for that if you've got some erotic in,

your Amazon account. Yeah, but so as far as sending me stuff, I was gonna contact like Dustin or something, but then everyone else in the chat said, basically someone's gotta know my real name and all my info to like send me stuff, I'm almost certain. So I was thinking about just sending it to, you know, a trusted dickhead

We'll keep it secret. Yeah, and then he can take all the requests for books and I don't know I guess he could either do quality control or he could just you know I mean, he would have to take in money and then he would have to go on the website Or he would have to go on Amazon and then use that money to send the books to me. All right, we're thinking of that. I had volunteer for it, but if I did it, you'd be getting books in prison in like two years. I could be well out.

And you've already read milk, did it, Uncle's farm. So you'd be so bored in prison. All right, let us. Now, I told the dickhead's out there. I have not read Dick's or Stereo's book yet. Oh, there you go. There you go. Good idea.

Amazon.com toys. The word toys, the number four, there you go. Amazon.com toys this the word toys the number four the word Jeep. I love that I'm getting a plug in off a guy who's going to jail. Jesus Christ. All right, let us what makes you a rage. So I can put you on the board. What makes me a rage? Yeah, give me a second. I gotta get my fucking list out. All right. That's what you want to hear. No, God episode reminds me of the drinking and driving is an overrated problem. All right, here's my solution. A lot of people agree with you.

Here's my solution. For drunk driving, it's a fucking racket because everyone does it. Every movie where the guy who did a bad thing and he gets off because he talks to some dude, he's like, what would you do if I didn't get you off of that drunk driving You know like yeah, yeah, the detective movie or whatever yeah everyone everyone fucking does it the real problem is though There's two types of people all right. There's the blackouts and there's a non blackouts. Yeah, we need to have when you take Your driving test or no when you turn 21 you should be eligible to take a driving test where you get tanked and try to drive. I 100% agree with you.

You knew the test because there are people. I am one of these people. It doesn't matter how fucked up I am, I can drive just fine. I mean, I don't know. Maybe there's a couple of times where I'm like, yeah, I should probably lay this out. But I mean, every time I, you know, no matter how tank i am i can do it i can just focus and drive i'm almost more safe because i'm so god damn focused all right i'm more safe yes obviously so anyway this is my proposition though take up get people let people take a test to determine whether or not they are a blackout if they're blackout sorry you can't drive that's too dangerous but if're not, you should be allowed to drive drunk.

I have been wanting to put my money to take a drunk driving test my whole life ever since like I had my first beer. I was like, I want to put this like I want to see the actual because the point eight point eight number is just a number that they pick. It's been point one before. Yeah, it's been one five before. And in some places, it's point O five. Yeah, really, like what? Is there any of you research? Did any of you get drunk people to drive to find this fucking magical number? Or is this just as low as you could get it with the money that you want because you want the 10 grand that comes with busted. Well, because people, they hate fun. That's it. with your money that you want because you want the 10 grand that comes with busting.

Well, because hate people, they hate fun. That's to get people's kids taken away if you get caught with it. Like they will shot that is like they want Islamic law for drunk drivers. They would chop off your petal foot. If you got if you allowed them, that's their manifest though. No, listen, I will say that man was started by a mom who lost her kid to a drunk

driver. So while mad, while we may not agree with everything, mothers against drunk drivers. Yes, too. At least, you know what? Here's what I got to say about your, your proposition, let us Jones. It actually makes a surprising amount of sense as much as I don't want because look obviously it's the one time that a drunk driver fucks up that you kill somebody. Like the reason we don't want you drunk driving is so you don't punish people who haven't done anything with the with taking their life. But I will say this, people's physiology

is different. Man if higher tolerance than women, point eight, one better job. And they're much better drivers. Of course they are. That's why it costs so much more to ensure us because they know anyway. So I love the idea that you can take a drunk driving test and they can find out your tolerance. Yeah.

And you have it on your driver's license. It's like my tolerance is one point two officer. Therefore, this test is irrelevant. Like, because I saw that episode of Dateline a long time ago where they did this, where they got cops, they got a close safety course, they had kids get super drunk and they had them take a drunk. They've done several of these. They've seen. It's all our mean lettuce. They got to call us up and be these do these tests. That's what I'm saying, I would love because obviously get like a ringer's, all ringers of the most drunkest alcoholics in the world

to take them like, well, according to our research, it's like you can drive with a whole bottle of wild turkey and you system, we got to change these laws and it'll be the greatest prank ever pulled. I want to see this so badly. I want to see this happen. Well, good luck in jail, buddy. Thank you. Can I do one more, Rach?

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Okay, so I work at a battery store, right? And the whole area is nothing but old people. And they want to know where we are, and I'm like, well, I can give you the address, and they're just like, no, I don't have a computer. So my problem is people don't use computers, or maybe stupid old people, I don't know.

One of those. Yeah, that's a good one. Just, you know, they just don't want to learn anything. Just, no, just, just, I'm done. I'm going to die at a lady the other day saying, she wants incandescence instead of LED, is because she'll probably be dead by the time it's done anyway, whatever.

All right, so that's it. All right, buddy, find somebody in Reddit who can hook you up with reading material. Yeah, I gotta find some trusted compadre. So hit me up if you think you got what it takes. All right. Thanks for calling. All right, have a good one.

So yeah. If you don't mind, I'd like to read a short statement. Okay, cool. This is gonna take a minute. We're gonna do the rage lottery next, go ahead. Oh, well, this is perfect because the rage lottery will be funnier than this. Okay.

All right. Here's my statement. Weaponized autism. Touring used it to crack the enigma code. Rainman used it to know when Wapter was on anywhere in the world. Now I'm asking you to use Weaponized Autism to help my very sick ex-wife. I got an ex-wife. She's a wonderful person.

For years, she would have severe allergic attacks to the smallest things. On our third date, I could not sit near her because I was wearing cologne because I want to smell as an athlete because I look. But we had to be like, she had to sit like eight feet away for me and I had my head sticking out the window on the way to the restaurant.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Oh, it was, oh yeah, that's what definitely, you should definitely marry that guy. It's like our third date was like a fucking disaster because she was having such a severe allergic attack. And so she was coughing and weasling like I'd never seen before.

For years, we always thought she was just like quote, really, really allergic. But after seeing dozens of doctors and spending thousands of dollars, tens of thousands unfortunately, we finally found a doctor who properly diagnosed her with an incredibly rare disease called mastocytosis. It's a disease where cells turn against themselves kind of like the autoimmune disease. And they trick the body into thinking that it is always having a sustained and horribly painful, anaphylactic, allergic attack. Because of this, most housings not safe for her.

When we were together, we rented about 15 different apartments. How the fuck did she even... You had to move 15 times. I'm absolutely not kidding. One time in, one time in Miami, because I said to myself, you know what? Who would do this for a girlfriend or a wife? That's a lot of stuff.

A stereo scocha dose. I mean, like moving, you ask me to move three times. I'd be like, no, don't you at some point? Cause it is so rare. I don't know, baby. You're like, you're just a fucking hypochondriac. Like, there had to be a, a, a, a, a, a shot and I don't take any shit from our women.

No, there I would have a, no, then it turns out like it's for real, but it's such a rare thing. You've got to be going like, just pull your shit together. Yeah, just stop making this in your head, right? Yeah, I mean, that's what I would do. That's kind of what everybody thought her. Family thought that. Of course.

You know? Because that's more logical than this extremely rare disease. Exactly. The National Organization of Rare Diseases, Lists, Master of Cytosis on its registry. The reason we found it out is because she went to a doctor, finally, like the fucking 40th doctor she's been to, and the guy goes, you know, I read an article in People Magazine called, the woman who was allergic to her husband. And it was about a woman who has her...

He's a recap of married with children episodes. Oh, I am a strong proponent of no man. I love my no man meetings. So anyway, look, this is not an appeal for money because you guys are nice about that. It's an appeal for information. If you, the dickhead audience, if you know somebody who has an apartment or room for rent, a sublet situation, they need a roommate in Southern Florida or in Southern Los Angeles, like the OC, Palm Springs, you know, please let me know. Wait, what do they need? What do you have? Like a clean room. I didn't tell

what kind of place can she live in? It's very random where she can live. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Just like try it out. Exactly. Right now, she's doing Airbnb's because an Airbnb is not a situation where you have to sign a lease. When you lived in Miami, I rented us a luxury apartment because it was a building that

she had lived in 10 years ago. So I said to myself, this is a luxury apartment, the floors are marble. There's no way that she's gonna have an analogy attack here. So long story short, we lost $10,000. First month rent, last month's rent security, and the landlord threatened to sue us for leaving because it's Miami.

Miami's a fucking scumbag of a city, but all the girls are hot. Anyway, so look, here's our magazine for the Dictionary. And so I'll wrap this up. If anybody knows of a roommate situation, a sublet situation, the kind of place you can go try for a few nights. And if it works out,

she will pay you a lot of money to live there. Because like any of us, we would pay anything to have a place to live safely. Please contact me. You know, there's a lot of fucking really awesome people in the Dic show community. So if you know, just reach out to me, stereos.co.nus, gmail.com, hit me up on Twitter, hit me on Facebook.

My ex-wife is quiet, disabled, and incredibly funny. She's the perfect roommate. And the story starts falling apart. She's really funny. I know, or I don't know. She's really fucking funny. And then obviously, if anybody helps me find a long-term living situation for her, what do you do? Yeah.

Here's a reward. A dick pic. A picture of your cock. In addition to, look, take and get that. Hit me up for that. I'll give you that for nothing. Here's a reward. Because I want to make you that for nothing. Here's the reward, because I wanna make this interesting for people.

If someone out there could help find my poor disabled ex-wife, a safe room to live in, I will vote for whoever Dick Masterson tells me to for the rest of my life. There will be videos of me voting for the most conservative or craziest candidate every four years until Dick and I both die in our early 40s. Wow. That's a good deal for me. Exactly. It's a it's a so if you want to see a liberal cook

have to pull the lever for Trump again and then after that and his daughter for Melania help me out. You help me out. I will give you the satisfaction of knowing that the guy who cried when Michael DuCoccus lost the election has to vote conservative for the rest of his life. That's my statement. Thank you. You go on like and I told you so to her after she was diagnosed with that thing. Yeah, I said my parents. If I was your family like, man, this area is getting really hoodwinked by this fraud who's allergic to everything. That's exactly what happened. The moment I found out,

I said it right to my mom and dad. I was like, yeah, see? I'm not just like some fucking cock that got tricked. You know, by a hot Jewish girl, like, she's real sick. And after that, my mom and dad became like, a lot softer on her. They're just like, oh God, this poor woman.

I'm like, yeah, that's what I've been saying. This poor woman. Is it a blood test? She had to take a bone marrow test, which means they have to fucking drill through your God damn bones and extract bone marrow. And that came back, yes? Yes.

That's what happened. That's what happened. There's no blood test because the genetic marker for master cytosis is only found in the bone marrow. And the reason we needed to get a confirmed diagnosis is just like you can go to the insurance company and be like, do something for this woman. Get her in medical housing.

Get her in a fucking, the one place she never has a tax is the hospital because the hospital is super fucking clean. They even use UV fucking laser grades to clean rooms. I'm not sure if you've ever seen like, and then I see you, to clean a room, they will essentially bring in like a living laser bomb to clean those rooms. But, you can do that at home.

We, right now we need a place that is stable enough for us to alter. Actually, there's a dickhead who built clean rooms for hardware companies. And he told me like, here's the filter, here's to this, here's to that, you gotta build an airlock. And it's like, yeah, I wanna do all that. But we need to find a place that is like stable enough

for her to chill for a while while we do that. You gotta move to like the Midwest. She, we tried living, she's tried Philly, we tried Orlando, we tried Miami, Los Angeles, New York, and also, what is it? Something beach, Manhattan Beach, we tried, we tried Redondo Beach. I mean, when I say we lived in 15 different places, like I mean, we lived in like 15 different places. And the two places that where she has the, the two places that

are most agreeable to her system are Southern California, specifically Palm Springs in Orange County and Southern Florida, like your Orlando's and your Miami's. So if anybody out there can help, I will make it worth your while. This show is getting a lot of weird contests. Yeah. All right. It's freaking a weird contest. Let me get, let me get the Rage Lottery winner this week on Frankie Farts aplenty. Oh good. Yeah.

Hello? Hey, is this Frankie Farts aplenty? Oh, you got it. What's up, man? All right, buddy. Congratulations on winning the Rage Lottery. Are you hearing me all right? Yeah, yeah.

What's down? You sound great. I don't want any asterisks by this this rage entry though this week. I am running on battery powers, but we'll make it work. Okay. All right. Do you have you have everything in mind? Are you ready to go? Yeah, man. Just fucking do it. All right. Three, two, one, go ahead. All right. You know what makes me a rage this week? The one and only Frankie Farts of play. You know what fucking burns my beans this week the one and only Frankie Farts of play You know what fucking burns my beans dick is when I'm just trying to watch a nice basketball game

Yeah, the nicks might lose. I don't give a shit. I just want to watch the game With the slap in it on the beer in my hand. Yeah, fuck put goddamn pay the homes and your fucking goblin 75% of the screen like those in the hearts talk for five minutes straight about bullshit dick. All right. Why do I care? I don't want to watch the fault in our stars when I want to fucking giant Don't a couple basketballs here and there. That's all I'm interested. Yeah, I want it's so hard You know, so I know the worst part. We're celebrity basketball games you saying Yeah, yeah, it's not even good Everybody's man. It's no one I want to see. It's not

it's not like a Gary Shanley wrestling piece, you know what I'm saying? It's fucking it's X NFL player. The only footage they have of this guy is in black and white. It runs at three frames per second. Why do I need to know who this guy is? Why do I need to applause for this man? What is he done for me day? Well, is he done for any of MSG? It's it's it's fucking unreal, man. And I really hope that they put it into it. So Frankie, watch plenty of him having a nice time this time. All right, time. Hey, who do you have in the background there? She sounds cute.

Well, it's a dude, so I don't know how that sounds for you. Well, that's all the time we have for this call. All right, buddy. Good luck. Thanks for calling in. Congratulations again. All right, good luck. Thanks for calling in. Congratulations again. All right, see ya. Someone was giggling. Did you think that was a check?

Of course. Yeah, you thought that was a check, though. Well, guess we're gay. We made a very embarrassing faux pas. All right, let me get our champion back on right now. Izzy, Mr. No, bro. Izzy, my friend. Are you there?

Hello, Dick and Harry. Yes, I can hear you very well. We've just had the challenger, Frankie Farts aplenty on. Yes, so he's talking about basketball problems. Yes, celebrities, it's sporting events, which I agree with. I hate seeing them there. I know.

I don't give a shit that they're there doing doing something. Yeah. I'm not a girl. Don't cut away the fucking spike. They cut away while I grow. I don't care about basketball in general or celebrity. So that's like a double loss for me. Oh, well, well, to win this one, you probably just have to breathe. Six and a half. All right. Are you ready? Yeah. Three, two, one. Let's hear it. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I hear that. I homeless person. I cannot do anything. I get I've ceased to be a person. And the the worst thing is the lack of planning because this shit comes around same day every year. Yes. And I never plan ahead for the the shut the civilization shut down that is Christmas, right? And this highlights how inadequate I am at my life. If you have a future of having

I before sundowns, my ancestors would be embarrassed how unable to do shit I am I cannot I can't do anything and then this happened again today generally first So I just I this is what pisses me off. I cannot get in I'm in my house I'm secluded to my house like a like lettuce Jones I have no access to anything like I have the internet that's the last thing I have no access to anything. I have the internet that's the last thing I have. But until they have like food printers, like 3D printers, maybe Elon Musk, I mean, they have, I don't know. Every refrigerator.

That's usually how people handle the food. I mean, I don't put a hand in this. I have like, what do I have there? Not even the ice freezer full. I got nothing to do. You gotta do some adult shopping. That's what, yeah, we know. Well, we were trying to order a pizza last night.

80s girls scouring these, Pee, everybody's trying to order pizza. They're all fucking closed on New Year's Eve, which is insane. That is insane. That's like being closed on the Super Bowl. Well, our employees just wanted to stay home and watch the Super Bowl.

Well, the fuck are you selling pizzas or not? So I, first of all, we ordered a pizza, never showed up. Some, some bastard at DoorDash stole our pizza, said it was delivered, but the pizza never arrived after waiting for like two hours. It's like, I gotta go, I'm gonna go let us Jones the guy. Somebody tell me I'm gonna find the us Jones the guy. Somebody tell me I'm gonna find the door dash driver and we didn't get the story of how let us Jones cold cop. Basically, you know what, I didn't want to hear the story

because that would make it very unsympathetic to hear like his ambush plan, the Sipranos ambush people. I like his evidence. No, I didn't do it before. I didn't do it. So meanwhile, so that pizza doesn't show up. We're out of pizza. Every fucking pizza place is closed down.

I go, well, you know, I could just fry up some burgers and everybody's looking at me like I'm crazy. Like, well, what do you mean, make food? I'm like with your hands? Like, what do you mean water like out of the toilet? Yeah. I'm just gonna make some food. Is he just have food in your house that you can fucking make? Get some meat.

Yes, that is. That's the solution, Dick. That's the solution to a lot of things. There's half foot in your house that you can cook. All right, buddy. Thank you for calling. Invest the vlog to you as well. Do you have any shout out?

Yes. Because you've been the champ for a while? Oh, no, just shout out to the guys the dickheads on the chat great people and Allowing this thing to go on so big shout out to the dickheads in the chat. He's a monster. He's tearing it up He's a professional. He's like one of the biggest fucking youtubers in fucking Brazil. I read that on the subreddit He is Brazil. I read that on the subreddit. Yeah. You're right. Got this massive YouTube following. Yeah. This guy, he knows what he's doing. He's like a broadcaster.

It's kind of not fair to put him up against shrugs. Well, he won. I don't know what. I'm just saying someone else has got to step up. That's the beauty of the contest. I know that it's normal people against celebrities on the board. Yes. You can, you can, anybody could win.

Yes. That's the magic of the contest. You could just be a guy, a guy who, just a guy who beat up a man because you thought he stole money from you and you didn't and you call in and you could outrank many professional, you could tell it's so high.

Right now that is the case. And so that's the beauty of the show. All right, Izzy, thanks again. I'll talk to you next time. Thank you, thank you so much. If you look at the rangelis right now, there are people who are trained comedians, who are below people who just have a lot of rage.

A guy called Chinese Tony. I love Chinese Tony. Me too. I think I have a voice, remember. All right, I'm gonna do one last call This is and then we're getting really long. Yeah, we're long. Yep. All right Oh, I'm just gonna get her on the phone first before I get into the story is this is this peach It is hello. Hey peach saliva. That's what that's what you go by. That's your internet name, right?

Madarling. Yes, it is. Peach the live on the air. So this is, this is the backstory to this call. Asterios has done a lot of bits on the show. For years. And around the old show, yeah. And recently, Asterios did a bit where he was writing pretend letters from Sean from the battlefield and put them to a

Shockingfare well and everybody went ape shit over them. They said this is not only are these funny, but they're the best material. They're the best thing Astarias has ever done. And some people said this is the only thing I've ever found funny that you've ever done. They. So they said, I hate the rest of your material. I don't know why this one's so great. But this man, we like you. This one bit that you did makes all the other ones look like shit. So whatever you did here, keep doing it.

So I found out afterwards that Peach did the bid. So it flies in the face. It flies in the face of even a blind squirrel finds a nut So everybody is clock with this stop clock So everybody who's complementing hysteria is all on the show on the face But it's on every single one is an F you like every single I love the guy head peach. Oh, I'm so sorry Sweet, uh, he won't let me forget it He's constantly like sending me messages like

Now and I'm just sitting there Clenched like I'm chewing on my lips. I'm so fucking pissed. So you're getting robbed. You're getting robbed of your due credit Yeah, I'm about to go as he said let us Jones on this fuck. So let's go. Excuse me This fuck who's also your writing partner, but please continue. Yeah, it's still a lot. Yeah, it's still a lot. He has so many hot lady writing partners.

I do. My ex-wife. It's the ultimate. It's the ultimate game that he's running. And I don't think I think anybody could do that. Like I think that guy that we talked to on the bonus episode, what was the name, Matt? The guy who could, he could just,

yeah, you want to, you want to write something? You want to be my writing partner like we'll just go with my room and write a Stargate fan fiction like like what is he what do you really what do you mean? You got so many girls as writing partners and you just hang out and coffee just like well is that a date that looks like a fucking I don't I don't I'll anyway. No it's, everybody asked me that all the time. They're always like, why do you write with only women and only attractive women? Why don't, yeah, who's the idiot here?

Yeah, exactly. It's like, why do you think asshole? It's a, what do you think I want to see across from some fat slub from hot tub time machine? Come and look, I'm gonna write jokes. I look, I want someone who looks as good as they write. All right, Peach, saliva. I want to get you on the board

because you're responsible for a stereo since great as a bitch. Yes, please. I'm ready. More bits for the show too. Those were really good. Oh, my pleasure. Are you ready?

I think so. I'm going to give you, I'm going to give you the 69 seconds, but feel free to go as long as you want. But go ahead, what makes you a rage? What makes you a rage? Well, first of all, don't get me wrong. I love Asterios me wrong. I love Astero's co-kenos. I mean, obviously, and I just have to say that that was a very touching, compelling, and long story

he told about his ex-wife earlier. I have right here. With my mouth and words, I will give you an airtight case as to why he is a complete and total fuck. And I will lay down my reasons end to end. They are threefold. Number one, Master Saitoshi's folks, it's a rare disease. It took years of my life and thousands of my dollars. If you can help my poor ex-wife find a place to live, I'm so sorry, bitch.

I'm so sorry that I ran long talking about the most heartbreaking situation of human is ever been in. I have to stamp away from the podcast to collect myself because my heart is racing because I'm talking about my poor sick ex-wife. Well, please, I'm sorry. Complain about someone who didn't give you enough credit for a comedy bit. I mean, you did milk it a little. You hit a high in that story and then you kept going. That's what editors are for. No, that's all saying it.

Oh, that was, that was beautiful. Well, that was 69 seconds. Yeah. Hey, goodbye, Peach. Dumber, hang up on it. Keep going, Peach is you. Number one, Astario's, you are a sweaty, hairy, Greek piece of shit. His own country goes bankrupt.

Astario's suddenly making over $2,000 on his Patreon. Coincidence number two. Stereo's is low key masturbating at all times. True story. True story. Last week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no trying to write for this show when a stereo's full silent for five minutes. I finally ask him, hey man, what's up? And he says, and I quote, oh, sorry, I was just looking at porn. Sound of my voice making Nazi jokes about Sean. Okay, be careful.

Actually, I'm sorry to defend myself for just one second. Allow me to show you the person who was text, who was tweeting at me. Okay, you gotta describe her though. Again, this is radio. These pictures don't work. Her name is Pikachu. She is the hottest and best camera on the internet. And she's a fan of mine.

She actually, does she need a place to mine. She actually does she need a place to live to. She made this for me. She made a piece of fan art. The first piece of fan art where I don't look obese just fat. Does she does she know you don't write your own jokes? God, God, God, I'm going to delete your? What it look, if Pikachu starts messaging you, what are you gonna do? I'm just a man. Well, I would hang up with the other person.

Okay, well, you're smarter than me. I'm in a bunch of different ways. She's very good looking. Oh, you think? Beautiful. Is there a number three? Yes, there is. Number three.

So the Sean letters, I guess you kind of finally went and told everyone that I indeed wrote quote the best bits a Stairs has ever written. That's real life. Me, Pitchbump. I did, let them. I don't know. So, I just can't believe I'm the one who gets you

a huge bump on your goddamn Patreon since they are. Have you noticed? It went up like, eat 400 bucks. Like what the fuck is that? So, so we were supposed to write for a different bit, but Astarius was too busy like trying to fuck some intern or something and I had to come up with the idea and then the majority of the jokes and record

without him, Sans help or direction. So when he finds out he talks his joke, yeah, of course that's true. When he finds out he talks his joke back in his pants. He puts his pan, he puts on an admittedly fantastic Morgan Freeman impression. And everyone sucks his dick. So I just- It was good. It was.

It was. I just felt the need to call in and confirm that Esterios Cocanos is truly the bloated greasy charles. And we all need to be- We've masterbades while he's talking to you on the phone. Not masterbading. I wasn't masterbading. I was looking at a girl. We all need to be. We've mastered Bates, we're like, he's talking to you on the phone. Not, man. I wasn't masturbating. I was looking at a girl.

There's a dick, it's a clasp. It's a clasp. It's quite quietly into the phone. You have to clap, clap, clap, clap. There's a clasp. Master Bates, they just clapped their dick. They clapped their dick between their hands. It sounds like your penis estereos.

It was the sound of you rubbing your penis. How much time you spend listening to people, master, Ellen, anyway, all I'm going to say is this, It was the sound of you rubbing your penis. How much time you spend listening to people master, look, anyway, all I'm gonna say is this, everything she just said is correct. I can't argue with any of it, but, really funny writer, really good. She's probably so glad to go, I'm glad to go.

And she's, and you can't. He's where can we see you? Yeah, she's a fucking Twitch superstar too. She's got a man for lost ground right now. For lost masturbating she's got seven masterbating in the studio right here you know you just can't hear that clapping it's a seven thousand followers on twitch and she's only been on twitch for a few weeks and switch the video game on yes you watch people play

video game big she's a big fucking beach what's your what's your stuff work when we find you can find me a twitch.tv slash peach saliva or my Twitter at peach saliva. And I, I really do honestly love a stereo's coconut and I applaud him. Stop quietly masturbating. What? What? Sorry. Sorry.

What? And I really do appreciate you taking this all in stride. I love you so much. Yeah. Yeah. I'll talk to you next week. Thanks for calling. You've been, if you hear, but if you hear my phone. If you hear, if you hear a stereo,

it's tuning out on the phone, you gotta hang up. He's too nice of a guy to end a call because he wants to masturbate. So he'll just try to get away with it. There's a lot of that guy. It's good intentions. He doesn't want to, he just can't be honest that he would rather go masturbate

and talk to you on the phone. It's a real thing. You just got to do a forum. You got it. Do we know that thanks, Dick? All right. Have a good one, Patron. Bye. Can we end the episode now? Can I go home yet? Another bombshell. Oh my god. Serios. Thank you very much for coming in. Thanks for having me and thanks for dickheads for supporting me on Patreon. It's that money. The fucking flew me out here. We got to talk about road rage more. I know you have a pretty clear idea of what we, we should, yeah, yeah, yeah. What, we'll talk about it.

We'll talk about it later. It's definitely happening. We'll decide where it's gonna be by next week. And then we can start setting up, you know, audio equipment, right? Stuff, venues, stuff like that. Thanks for listening. You've been listening to the Dixho.

My name's Dick Masterson. Check us out at thedixho.com or patreon been listening to the Dix show. My name's Dick Masterson. Check us out at viddixshow.com or patreon.com slash the Dix show. See you next Tuesday. Presenting dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.

Dick. Dick. Ready. Hey, Dickish, Sean. Joe Pal D.P. and you know, you know, I'm making a rage. I didn't notice the last night, but cookie shaming. Okay. We buy a pack of cookies, Oreos, whatever. And for some reason, my two children and boys like to leave the last three or four in the fucking box or bag

For about a week and a half maybe two weeks maybe three and me. I'm always the guy the step-step and this all right It's time for a new bag of fucking cookies So I'll eat the last ones and inevitably like the second I do that my children fucking knows that cookie radar goes off And they run the fucking pantry open it up Second I do that my children fucking knows that cookie radar goes off Open up find open the doors and say we're over cookies and then my my lovely wife Your dad must eat the last ones again. Well somebody had to eat the last fucking cookie otherwise we're We're just throwing the last ones away and that has no fucking good. I'm the one that goes out there and it's gone to that page yet. I'm not throwing away good food.

And if my kids ever took the time to follow the fucking paper trail or if they're fucking cookies and they're toys and all our presents and any food comes from, they would look at my wife and say, yeah, bitch, you know what? He ate the cookies. He's doing the bottom. So fucking cares not only that I'm 5 10 180 pounds I'm bigger I'm stronger they're my mother fucking cookies oh yes kids go hey bitch hey bitch and that's what they're his fucking cookies I like that one So I think it would. Yeah. I guess I should have hung up like 10 seconds.

Oh, man. All right. I'll play more next time. Sometimes I think about having like a supplemental show. Yes. With voicemails. You should do that. You should you should put out a show on Fridays.

It's just a half hour of the voicemails because double the downloads. Oh, yeah. That'll get you, because if you're putting out two episodes a week, iTunes is just counting the number of downloads. They're not counting the number of episodes. I don't think they let me on their page though. I think I'm like tagged is explicit.

That's fine. There's an F, I mean, so is the fucking smart cast. I mean, Kevin Smith podcast is explicit. They just tag at NSF and SFW. All right. Kevin Smith podcast is explicit. They just tag at NSF and SFW.

All right.