The Dick Show - Episode 34 – Dick on Credit Card Chips

Episode Date: January 24, 2017

Download the MP3 Mayhem in the suburbs, training manuals I am in, a DickHead goes to Washington, email threats, Liarexia, I bring in a stats, those stupid chips on new credit cards, Liquor Event Horizon, comedian Justin Rupple, Vince Vaughn gives Maddox a pep talk about his dying brand, the many ways women steal your … Continue reading "Episode 34 – Dick on Credit Card Chips" The post Episode 34 – Dick on Credit Card Chips appeared first on The Dick Show.

Yeah Welcome to dick you need dick you, you want Dick, you love Dick, you got it, it's the only show where every single thing is a contest. Every single thing that we do is a contest. You're constantly being graded at everything and at any moment someone can swoop in and take it from you Everything is a contest Shawn Everything every second of the day that you are resting Someone is out there doing something that you do better than you Every moment of your life should be lived in absolute terror because everything is your contest

Everything now even you you could wake up tomorrow and somebody will have taken your whole life should be lived in absolute terror because everything is your contest, everything. Now even you, you can wake up tomorrow and somebody will have taken your whole life. There'll be a better you than you and you'll show up in your own house saying, hey, this is my house. This is my house I own in the guile say, sorry, I just did everything you did,

but a little bit better. What does that make you? It makes you me. It makes you, you know. I'm your host Dick Masterson with me as always is Sean the audio engineer. Hey, what's going on buddy? Hey buddy, this is the only show.

Just see what I did right there. I know, you took my line. This is the only show. I got no reaction either. I never give you what you want. I know, I know. I know. You know how to do that.

You do. Never. You do. I could withhold it forever. That's what I want. I know. I know. I know. I know how to do that. You do. Never. Yeah. Never. You do. I could, I could withhold it forever. That's what I want. Yeah. My last dying breath. I want to have held all of the goss and the resolution that everybody wanted from me. They're whole, their whole lives. Like even in, even with women and breakups, I just don't, I never, I never give, I never give it. I never give that, that last little bit of, I just don't, I never, I never give, I never give it, I never give that, that last little bit of closure. I don't know why. I don't want anyone to have anything on me. Like it's a weird sick thing that I have in everything. I consider

it to be a kind of a game, you know? Like, like, not that I have to win, but just that I can't, if there's an exchange, I just don't want the other person to have the last word. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean. And I don't know if that is just a lack of maturity or if it's like, what if I'm 80 and I'm still feeling like this, like, I see how you got, like the thing I have where I want Shake People's hands after an altercation.

Oh, yeah, you know, I don't know if I've ever told this story on the air. Let me play okay. I don't know if I have either. What? After an altercation. Shake hands with somebody? Yeah, like, you know how good I was there?

Yeah, like, oh, sorry, man, we rub nipples a lot, but now it's time to shake hands. Like, yeah. Why? What are you running for, Mayor? Yeah, like, oh, sorry, man, we rub nipples a lot. But now it's time to shake hands. Like, yeah, why? What are you running for, Mayor? Yeah, what? Why are we shaking hands? It's not fucking hate you. It's not over.

Yeah, I hope you're killed in front of your family. Yeah, I fucking hate you. I hate everything about you. Yeah, you just fucked with me. Like, I know that if we got to blows, like, I would It's not worth it like you could fuck up my orbital socket I'm fucked for the rest of my life. I can break my fucking hand I've done that before they could call the cops. We're going to jail. The next thing you know

I'm gonna sell with lettuce Jones reading each other milk that her uncle's farm for nine months Because I busted it but I'm like what I'm not shaking your fucking cuz the shaking the hand thing to me It's I'll tell you this story. All right. Let me play a, a Dictales first. Already? Well, because it's, I'm telling a tale. So I want to play the Dictales theme.

Here it is. Okay, Lequembra, the illustrious Lequembra, a musical prodigy, Dick had redid the Dick Tales theme, but with his vocals. You understand? Yeah. Because Chris Strand did a phenomenal job, but I don't think he is a vocalist nor does he consider himself a vocalist. That's why I like it so much.

That's why it's so a someone who considers themselves a vocalist took it and redid it. They covered it. Cool. It's a cover. Here you go. I'll play it right now. See? Things that are not devolved. Like in the real song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah Never never think never think never has helped anyone think it this you do it Tilt oh Your life is fucked needs to be fixed. I'm burning, man, danger lurks, be it. Because everybody could live your life better than you. Yeah.

You got too much invested in it. Yeah. You know, you need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right?

You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right?

You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? You need somebody who's a little detached, right? So I'll just fuck this guy. I would fuck her with that guy's dick. You probably would. Yeah, you probably would. That's my point. You fuck her with a stolen dick. Yeah, do it. That's not your dick. No, and it's somebody else's. Fuck that.

Because you will regret. Okay, this is the story. I don't know if I've told this. I like that. Just by the way, I was at the, you know, I was at the South Point. No, I don't need to respond to everything. I was at the South Point. No, I don't need to respond to everything. I was at the South Point Grill in Valencia.

Valencia is a very, Valencia, California is a very, they called it awesome town for a while. They had this ad campaign. They named themselves like WWE shit. Yeah, they called themselves awesome Town and it was embarrassing. It was, it turned into a joke because it was such, it was such a cookie cutter community. It was like a grested and it showed weeds. Well, it was one of the first like a master plan communities, I think. It was, we grew up on the other side of town though.

Here's a true story about Valencia, California, which Sean and I grew up. The community in Edward Cesar hands was based on Valencia, California, where everyone is kind of a fuck ball. And they everyone, it's like suburban California, maybe among the most hated demographic on earth, maybe except for actually, except for actual LA, but one step removed from that anyway. Everybody's driving an SUV, everybody shops at Whole Foods, like if towns were a mall, this would be the town they're trying to replicate all over America. So everything is a chain restaurant there. Everything that can have a planter in it has a planter.

If you can have an island somewhere with a planter, if you can put grass in it, they've figured out a way to do it. They've got grass on the side of buildings in Valencia, California. That's how fancy they want you to think. That's how much planning they want you to think is in this community.

Like that's how much control they want you to think is happening in this community. Awesome town. It's a great place to live. I guess a great place to grow up. So there's this restaurant called the South Point Cafe, the Sargentinean Cafe. And I was in there with you, Sean,

and a girl I was dating at the time, you should remember this story. Is this the smoking indoors thing? Yes. And this woman was being a pain in the ass. She obviously had too much to drink. They cut her off and she was just kind of shouting as people do, they get belligerent.

Maybe they should cut her off sooner. Yeah. Maybe they could have cut her off with a little bit more tact. Right. Like you're dealing, you should be dealing with this person every night. You're running a bar, except it's not a bar up in Valencia. It's all these little chain restaurants. So the bartender goes and gets the manager.

And the manager, instead of dealing with it, calls the police. And I think you gotta be fucking kidding me. It's two o'clock, it's like 130, and you're summoning the DUI squad to like bar central, what the fuck are you doing? You do know how many people you just fucked because you're like too afraid to confront this woman? Like I saw the entire thing happen.

Why do I not remember like this screaming woman? Because she wasn't being that big of a pain in the ass. We were sitting in the booth, like kind of in the back. We were sitting in the booth, me and the girl. Me and the girl, who Maddox has called Sleazy on Twitter, by the way. Well, did you see that? No, a whole other thing. How much do you think I'm on Twitter?

And if you say me wrong, you're wrong. So me, you and the, who's not? She's absolutely wonderful girl. We're sitting at one of the stools that you sit at because you're too impatient to start drinking to get a table, but you don't want to look like an alcoholic. So you sit in those little stool areas and pretend that you're, pretend that you're civilizing.

Well, you're in the bar, but not at the bar. Right. So this woman is arguing with the bartender about getting cut off. Yeah. Um, I don't know what happened, but she wasn't getting out of control. Like in no way, did she, in no way did she deserve, in my opinion, to get kicked out of the bar. It looked like the, it looked like the other guys were being pricks.

And then that hunch of mine was justified when instead of dealing with her, the manager walked out, saw it, walked back into his office and summoned the DUI squad. It's like, dude, you're, I mean, I get that you don't want to do your job, but like, don't call the police to a bar at 130 in the morning at closing time in California at closing time because like you can't talk a hysterical chick out the door. What the fuck's wrong with you? People throw people out of bars all the time. All the time. Literally, literally, four gigantic bouncers, one gigantic bartender and this

manager who looked like David from Roseanne, who looked like about 120 pounds with, with with like poodle hair, right? Little girls, little fucking asshole. Just goes, I'll go deal with this. I know, I know this is exactly what the police are for. This is why we have the police to come in here with their guns and brawn. Like that's what they should be doing right now.

Tonight is taking this woman who's upset that she can't get one more blue moon and physically pulling her out of the bar. And like she was doing nothing, just give her one, give her one fucking beer. These, the people that work in bars at last call are so obviously in a race to shut down and go home. It kills, it kills the bar vibe after midnight. Well, they always set the clocks fast, right? They set the clocks ahead, but then they call last call even before they're supposed to at like one 15. Yes. All right. Start wrapping up. It's like you're essentially calling it an hour ahead. You're not my fucking dad getting ready to make it go on a drive to the lake to start

our camping trip at 5.30 in the morning. Don't fucking tell me to hurry up. Here's the problem. Owner of the bar doesn't want you doing this. I don't want you doing this, but you just get away with it every night. You're not providing a service of let's's shut down the bars quickly as possible. You have to shut it down legally at two. That's it.

Shut the fuck up. Like, I'm sorry that you have to work late, but all of us are here, all of us are here because we had to work all day. So just give us 10 minutes. Just give us the full amount of time. Could you just rob a trail? I've been trail shut down any other business

just early because you feel like it. And it's a bunch of people who are not quite in their right minds. Right. And that's what they do. So they start agitating you. Oh, you're all drunk. What the fuck?

You've all had enough. You've all had, like, I haven't had enough. So this is what, this is my mindset. When I see this fucking asshole calling the police on this woman who I don't think has done anything, I don't think she's done anything, I don't think she deserves to be like, please show up. You start screwing around, you go on a fucking jail. You're all sure.

You one one wrong, you know, cops had a bad day, maybe cops, maybe the cop wants to go home. Yeah. You just summoned him out at one four, one one forty five and he's thinking mother fucker. All I was going to do was sit at my desk and play free cell and fill out some police report. I was going to sit over on the side of the road and fill out my paperwork in the car so I don't have to do it after my shift is over. Yeah. And go home. But now I got to go to this bar and do these guys job, which is the easiest just just get either give her a drink or ignore her. What's she gonna do?

Joe, what? She's doing nothing. Doing nothing is my point. So cops come out, cops come swaggering in like John Wayne for some reason. Like, all right, man, this is, this is out of control. Cops leave, woman leaves, they escort the woman out, and I don't know what they, I don't know. So she listens to them.

She listens to them. I remember none of this. No, I, you might have been drinking at that time. Oh, you think so? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So I'm sitting there, and my brain starts going, and I come to the conclusion of, well, if you don't, you don't like having altercations, you kind of fucked up everybody's night in my drunk mind.

Yeah. Um, I think you need to have an altercation. I'm in the Brad Pitt part of the fight club mind, which is, all right, Raymond, you want to be a fucking veterinarian? Let's see. I think you need, I think you need to learn this lesson. I think you need to see what it's like. So I say, hey guys, how long do you think

I could smoke in this bar for? To you and the girl I was there the time. Baby Britain. I say, hey, how long do you think I could get away with smoking in this bar? And you said, ooh, and she said, what, you're not allowed to smoke you from England. You're not allowed to smoke in bars.

And you guys say, I light up cigarette. Smoking. And I hear somebody smoking in here. Yeah. I'm sitting there, this little dude marches over, little guy. Hey, you're not allowed to smoke in here. I said, yeah, I know. You're going for a while.

Yeah, if I remember right, you probably smoked most of the cigarette. You probably had at least half a cigarette. You're like, well, I understand if you're from out of town, I said, no, I grew up here. Yeah, that's right. Other rules. You guys, well, I mean, I just, I don't know what to tell you, dude.

I'm like, I don't know what to tell me, you're in there. What are you gonna call the fucking cops? What's gonna, what are you gonna do? So you go through this whole thing. I smoke most of the things. I don't think he ever said put it out or you'll have to leave. No.

So I put the cigarette out. I end up putting the cigarette out and he says, okay, we're cool now. Goes to shake my hand. And he said, I don't know if I can shake in your hand. We're not cool at all. What do you, what is this, like that, it's that dominance of, I'm gonna,

I initiate the handshake. Yeah, right. So I win, because I'm the bigger man. Like no, okay, there's no bigger man here. Don't worry, I'm gonna keep pulling you down. So then the other bartenders come over to S to surround us, you know, the wall of intimidation. Do I remember that girls cracking up. So funny is you want to impress a like winding dudes up into nipple fights

is girls women's favorite pastime again, Again, they could get some real excited. They love it. Anyway. We leave at that point and these fucking guys, instantly are at the door. I don't know if you remember this. Oh, I remember this. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Screaming, these bouncers and this fucking manager are screaming after us saying, Hey, man, it'd be a real shame if you wrecked your car tonight and you died in a big fireball. Yeah. And you did it. Like, hey, man, it'd be a real shame if you wrecked your car tonight. Yeah. And you died in a big fireball. Yeah. And you did it. It's like, oh, hey, man, there's nothing really.

And then like, these were not intimidating bouncers, by the way. No, they were big, they were like Steve Wilcoe from Jerry Sprang. They weren't like Steve, they were like, they were smaller than us. They were smaller than us. Yeah. So I told this a couple years later, I told this story at my sister, my sister was having a beer Olympics and I told this story. And a girl there, I was telling it to a bunch of people and a girl get there and goes,

wait a minute, that was you. And I said, yeah, she goes, you are part of the, that story that you just told and you are part of the training materials for the South Point Argentinian Grill on how not to let a situation escalate. And I said, then I'm, I'm totally vindicated. Yeah. Everything, then I did everything right. Once again, I did everything. I would, I would have just gone through life, not no, just kind of always wondering like, did I take that too far, but that girl's there and heard it and said, you know what? I work at that place. They give that story as an example of what not to do. As you imagine, I said, I fucking knew it because they were

being the bigger assholes. Because they were being the bigger assholes. And then they tried to escalate it. Yeah. that's like that's not. Yeah, that's the handshaking. No, how did people find out about that? What? Do they watch like the CCTV or whatever? Like the, she, what do you mean? How did people find out about that?

How do people find out that those guys handled it wrong? In other words, what employee or supervisor was in there? Oh, I have no idea. I have not I didn't ask. I didn't follow up. Anyway, if you, I guess if you're playing along with the show and you got, and you got the bingo card, somebody made a bingo card for this game, um, check off the details. Yeah. Saying, let me tell you what makes me rage. John. Okay. We used to have this, this rage comes in from, from John Bignob Rob. Patterson.

John Rob Patterson. John Bignob Rob. That's what people call him. Bignob Rob. People, all people in his life called John Robertson Bignob Rob. The way you said it, it sounded like John Bignob Rob Patterson. Yeah. So I thought that I had like two nicknames. Uh, Dick, I don't know how this has been made and on to show you yet, but nobody has said

anything about those bullshit fucking chip reader machines when you go to buy something. Mm-hmm. I find myself at least three to four times a week ready to rip those fucking things out of the damn checking counter. Never work. This is the. There's. There's. Oh, God. There's slow. We used to have a perfect system in the world. Yeah. Where you swipe the card and you are, you might be out, you could be out the door of the store before the check, before the thing even cleared, because it worked perfectly every

fucking time. Every time you went to buy something you pull the card out swipe done It was satisfying you just slash it through like your swipe gear though taking a knife of commerce and Cutting right through the bank. This is my and motherfucker. It was at a Vistak You would slash it through like you're stabbing at a woolly beast to take home your box of highlighters or whatever you needed that day. You're turkey lunch meat. You would slash it through your credit card. Be out the door.

Those people would walk you watch, watch you walk out of the store with your bag of things over your back. Your highlighters and your turkey lunch meet. They fucking ruined it. Yeah. Now you have to sit there and stab your credit card into the machine like a 13 year old trying to have sex for the first time, even though, even though it says swipe or insert the chip, then swiping never works.

You never know if it fucked up. It used to be when you swiped that card and you got declined, you knew why you got declined because your credit card was fucked. Yeah. Well, yeah, you knew why. You knew that it might be fucked before you tried to do it, but when that thing went, swipe, bap, bap, bap, like I, because, sorry.

Hope turns out not to be as strong as numbers. Yeah, and you're looking everybody in line and you're like, that's my bad. That's my bad protection. I've had everybody. I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna go. I'm just gonna, I know it's my fault.

Now, man, you sit there. You plug the thing into the machine. First of all, you are waiting, from any, you are waiting a completely random amount of time. Yes. 10 seconds, 30 seconds, they gotta reset the computer, they gotta reset the machine, whatever person's standing at the register

with four inch fingernails, who's screaming at somebody else, they've gotta, they've gotta, they've got to reconfigure something. Something is fucked so that you can not so that you have to stand there at an awkward amount of time where you can't you don't have enough time to dick around on your phone. You don't have enough time to talk to the person behind you because everybody's time to talk to the person behind you because everybody's asshole has pulled up into their esophagus, waiting for the fucking card reader to start,

is it gonna work? Is it not gonna work? It's like watching a kid getting on a bicycle for the first time, like, are they gonna fall and break there over a tight rope and an alligator bin? Are they gonna, is this gonna completely fuck up? Or is it gonna be completely fine? Yeah.

Never was the case with the old cards. Never. You just swipe it and you could count it. Everybody fucking knew in their brain exactly how long it would go until that card went through. Now you stick it in total crap shoot. I wonder how much safer they are

as far as protecting your cash. Because obviously that's the reason they do it, right? The banks are putting these new chips on. So it's harder to clone your card, harder to, you know, some sort of fraud protection. Actually, fucking looked. Did you really? Yeah. I got a stats for you. I haven't brought in a stats for a long time. No, this is a first. What are we? This ship so 34. So yeah, this show is not about. No, no, do? This show is not about. I'm not going to sit here and read. No, I know. I know. Well, so here's what here's what I found because I wanted to find. I wanted to find how much I'm getting shafted by the credit card companies. Okay. Because they're taking, they did this, right? They took this, this thing that we had a perfect system where you just swipe it. Yeah.

And some fraud, and they got to eat the fraud, right? Yeah. That's how it worked. Because you're not liable for, no, no, you're not liable for anything on your card. Right. Over like 50 bucks or something like that. It says right in the card, not liable. It's just works on trust. Whole civilization built on trust. It's great. But they have to pay, they have to take it up the ass, some amount every year, because some asshole perpetrates fraud in your card, goes out, buys a bunch, shit runs off of the guy. How many times has that happened to you? Credit card fraud?

Yeah, or debit card, credit card, whatever. I got my business once got hit for seven grand of debit card fraud. I'd say it's happened to me. We got it back. Four to six times. Really? In the history of using, yeah, cloning and all that kind of shit. Probably four or five times.

How? They take. Gas stations. Oh no, they just all of a sudden, like something came, you know, the fraud protection caught it every time. They're like, um, because I went to use it. And pretty much every time I've been declined anywhere, it's been fraud protection.

Really? Yeah, so it's like, I'm like, what the fuck? Meanwhile, I've traveled across the country multiple times, used it in a bunch of different states. Never once, has it triggered the fraud protection. But all of a sudden, they think that, oh, he's in, well, I'm glad it did, because it was like, have you been in Boynapark?

Did you like these, and it was like, no? It's right on the corner of a... They know where the fraud's happening. It's definitely in the park. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was like, no, they're like, oh, because here's three, these last three transactions. You know, so it's funny how that works. I got, I got a fraud call one time.

It made me so angry about it. I laid into this person for like until I fell back asleep. I got a call. I was still very drunk. I was real. I was right on that worst part of drunkness and hungover like at the death cross when the drunkness stops removing your pain

and it only impairs your senses and your equilibrium. And it no longer dulls the pain of the hangover and the sickness right at that point. Like right when you get the re-spins, you get the spins going in. If you stop drinking, like there's an event horizon to drinking

where you gotta avoid the spins. Well, listen, let me tell you, and people, I don't know if people do believe this about me or don't, but I've never had the spins. When people talk about the spins, I don't know what they're talking about. I've blacked out dozens of times. I mean, passed out all that kind of stuff,

I have never gotten the spins. It's because blacking out is too much, it's too much acceleration. Yeah. So if you don't have enough and you kind of try to ride a buzz, you could very easily get into the fallback into the spins. And that's the spin. That's the spin.

Because people tell me, oh, you close your eyes and it makes it worse. I have no idea what they're talking about. They say they lay on the bed and the ceiling is spinning and then they close your eyes and it's worse. Yeah, it's a real thing. And it's just some people, the cadence of their drinking always lands them there because they try to ride, they try to ride the wrong high of the liquor. Everybody's got a segment of the liquor hide that they're trying to ride. For you and I, for you, it was totally blackout. Yeah, I think.

I like to ride the invincible, the invincible one, right before that time is it. You're on the edge of space. Edge of space. I like Chuck Gager. I like to take the, I like to get so pissed off that NASA is going to a different department and that the Air Force didn't get the grant that I'll take that fucking plane and go right

up to the edge of space. That's what I like to do. That's me. You, you're going to the moon every time. But some people, they like to get up there and cruise at 30,000 feet. And that can easily dive into the spins anyway. I was right on the death cross of the spins and the liquor and I get a call on my phone. At the time, at the time I had being a smart ass, it was around Christmas time. I had the man high and when you do your best work, I do my best silly stuff.

That's when I become a pain wienerain for a month and a half of silly, silly jokes. I had the man-hime steam roller deck the halls song as my ringtone. I remember that because you sent it to me and asked me to make it louder. Yes, correct. And you did. Yeah. It was the loudest thing you could have. It was the entire, yeah.

It wasn't annoying. That song, tt tt tt tt tt. It wasn't annoying that song that that that that it wasn't annoying for me enough on its own yeah I made it I asked you a professional audio engineer to make it very loud amplify it limited compress it to the very maximum such that you might even distort it you might be unable to hear the song anymore but subconsciously you could still hear that song anyway that was my ringtone. And it fucked me because this morning, that fucking ringtone starts blaring in the other room. And I got the spins, I got my hand pressed to my forehead, I'm wandering around looking for this

fucking phone at like eight in the morning, possibly a little bit earlier. I pick up the phone, like, who the fuck is this? Nobody would call me at this hour on either a Saturday or Sunday. I forget which one was. And they said, hey, it's the fraud department. It's the MX fraud department or the visa fraud department. I just want to verify these purchases for you that I think are fraud. Did you spend ... Did you spend $200 at a strip club in North Hollywood at two in the morning and then $8 at a McDonald's at $3.30? And I'm like, are you ... Let me get this straight. Do you know who I am? Have you seen my account history? First of all First of all you please look at please look at how much liquor is on that account Before we proceed. That's what I mean, but you are if this is if what you're doing is wrong

You're calling a man who is fresh off of a bender Driving through a McDonald's after blowing a lot of cash at a strip club at four in the morning. This couldn't wait until noon. Like, are you fucking, are you kidding me? You couldn't, you're calling me at eight in the morning to ask if I was at a strip club and then shoveling, not get st my throat, like four hours ago. But what if you weren't, then you'd be fine.

Yeah, but then, oh yeah, he abs absolutely. Thank God you caught that $200 right away. I've been up for hours. Thank God, now you can go find hot wheels or whatever chick got this illicit $200 and shake her down. What the fuck are you gonna do at eight in the morning on a Saturday with this fraud complaint? Do you care about me at all with this fraud shit?

That was my point. That's why I brought it up is that they don't. They don't give this shit about, so I did the math to see how much this chip thing has fucked everybody over. Like, I wanna know to the penny, how little the credit card companies care about us. So here it is.

.04% was the amount of fraud that they were reporting is hard to find because they don't wanna say how much fraud's going on credit on. So 400th of a percent. Yeah, 0.04%. $5 trillion in total credit card spend. This is what I was able to find. That means $2 billion in fraud every year. Seems like a lot, right? But not a $5 trillion. And not considering that the average person has

average balance carrying credit card debt of like 10 grand. Yeah. That's a lot, that's a lot of dough. Yeah, sure. That means, where's my math here? Okay, that means that if it takes, if it takes 10 seconds, let's say it takes 10 seconds that they added onto this thing. Yeah, which it does.

Which it does. That's a low ball. Yeah, it is. You say you use that stupid chip two times a day for 10 seconds, 365 days a year. That's two hours of your life that you spend shoveling this fucking thing into the credit card machine. That means if there's 170 million people with credit cards and there's $2 billion of fraud that's 170 million people with credit cards, two hours a person with $2 billion of fraud,

that's 12 bucks a person that they're charging us for our time. $12 an hour to sit there shoveling this fucking thing in the machine. I really hated. Let's see. And you're right, 10 seconds is a low estimate. It's a very low estimate. I've used it to a shame.

I've used it like a mom and pop pharmacy and it can take close to a minute. And that was go, oh, this thing is so slow. So slow, I hate it. It's like fucking dial up. So what? God forbid, you end up swiping your card first, And that was go, oh, this thing is so slow. So slow. I hate it. It's like fucking dial up. So it. Yeah. God forbid you end up swiping your card first,

even though it says on the machine insert chip, or swipe your card. Meanwhile, you're trying not to hold up the line because you look like a fucking idiot, fucking with the thing. Hate those things. Great show. I have a listener and Patreon.

All right. Let me grab our guest. So my guest this week is Justin Ruppel saying that right. You got it. Comedian impressionist. Randy sent me your stand up routine. You know, Randy, okay. The listeners love Randy, don't they?

I do. I think they do. No, I don't know. I wasn't here that week. Well, so Randy's a Hollywood hot shot producer, right? Okay. Okay. So he came in a listener, Denzel, a potential co-host. Everyone who comes into this show is a potential co-host.

He's a potential co-host, Denzel. Denzel said that he could write a script that was better than the hangover too. So we made him write a script and then brought Hollywood hot shot, Randy, who you've probably got notes on something before. But they're eviscerating. They're brutal. Like they make you question why you are yourself alive. You'll get notes from someone like Randy

and then you'll walk away from it going, yeah, they were all, everything he said was true. And I don't know why I'm alive. Like I think like that script was all part of me. I put it in there. And it's just all, like, he mathematically proved why I shouldn't exist. So he did that on the show to this guy's script. And it was, it was like a, a one as far as notes go. It was a one. He was being really, he was being very straightforward with the notes and people and some people on the comments were like, oh my God, why would you do that to the guy?

But it's part of it. Okay. So Randy sent me your standup. And usually, usually I'm like, come on man, don't like standup is like, it's like sex where it's just see once you're there and doing it, it seems so good. But then you watch it later and you're like, fuck. What was this?

What was this? I thought this was great. Do I make that face all the time? Yeah. My ass looks like that. Your first joke though was how your wife, and by the way, when women say they want a guy who's funny, they mean you. Uh, because they're talking about a guy who's extremely attractive, right?

It's the whole yeah. I love the nice laugh. You like hot guys with glasses. Yeah. You like a hot guy who's wearing a, like, you like, I love funny guys. Like, oh, so you want a guy who looks like a minor league baseball player, which you do look like. Danny Gans is what you saying yeah does he look like Danny Gans? Yeah trust me Danny Gans is dead I know he is

then I'm back yeah I guess he does look like I see I hardly remember what he looks like but yeah man he was like the biggest thing in Vegas for like well that's what science said I don't know what he won no seriously no no no voted number one in Vegas to his, well, that's what the sign said. I don't know what he was. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Voted number one in Vegas. No, we had like an exclusive sold out for ever. Yeah. The Marassi played that thing forever. She was saying he's like, the signs and like voted number one. And he was always sitting on this like this film, the muscley pose. Muscley pose. No, listen, his show, I saw his show when I was 14 and it was mind blowing

because the guy had so much energy. I was like, this guy clearly is on something either, either white powder or God or whatever it is. He is like beyond energy. That'd be a good surprise. Equally, God rest his coat. Both, come on, how are they not the same? Seriously. Because you got all the God people are going to be good at like building

arcs and like the carpentry and shit and probably middle America. Right. But the Coke people are never going to stop. They will get a shelter up tonight. Right. As long as the Coke doesn't run out, they're going to be fine. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be a good fight.

It's funny because I, if you hear people describe, you know, like a serious religious experience, they describe it like they're on a drug. Like, you're like, no, I'm better now. No, on it. But you know what I mean? Like every day, I start my day with a good, you know, like a good starter, you know, and that's just just the bump to get me going.

And then like, midway through the day. Yeah, a good bump, you know. So that's, yeah. So your first joke on your standup set was about your wife stealing your food. And I said, yep, that's what I wanna hear. That's what makes me a fucking rage because I structure, like the things that I structure

about dating, mostly like a significant percent have to do with Steal getting my food stolen. Oh, yeah, and saying that this is I absolutely not acceptable And this is that in the bit and I'll like I'll elaborate on the bit because I please do because it was a shoddy setup You do your stand-up material. It was I've seen it I will tell you this. We went to a, my wife and I went to a place called Lil Johns. And this is, this is the perfect example of what women will do. Okay. And it's this little Johns greasy spoon restaurant. The one thing they're known

for is this giant plate cinnamon roll. Okay. And because we were out on our anniversary, I was buying. Now, I'm a comedian. That's rare. All right. The fact that I'm buying, yeah, in the wife relationship, she clearly has the better job. All right. What does she, how did you trick her into supporting your comedy career? Well, because she was a model for like eight years. It's fucking good. had just, all right. So you'll bring it after I tell you the story. Okay.

Okay. So she kind of did a dream and lived professionally doing that. So she's like, I want to see somebody else do it. So she kind of invested in me as an IPO. Here's some Coke as an IPO, right? Exactly. No, just a heaping, you know, just a couple of. I like that.

Yeah. Here's an empty bank account and a drug problem. You're good to go. I already brought those into the relationship. couple. Yeah. Here's an empty bank account and a drug problem. You're good to go. I already brought those into the relationship. Perfect. Yeah, I just, I just, you know, you are a comedian. Unfortunately.

But we went to the restaurant, so I, guys order what they can't make at home, you know? Oh, yeah. When they go out to a restaurant, you ever notice that they're like, okay, I don't have all these ingredients in the house. That's what I make. That's what I'm ordering here.

Yeah, that's true. And women get real self-conscious about other people looking in on their meal. So they'll get what looks responsible. And so she always gets the same goddamn thing. She gets an egg white omelet, which is, it's not that they fry. And she puts like mushrooms and shit

that she doesn't want in there. And then when it comes to the table, she just kind of pokes at it and then looks over at mine. And I always get like a chicken fried steak or something and we got a cinnamon roll. Because I was like, I'm going to get a cinnamon roll for myself now. If you would like one, you can, I'm going to get you one. It's a, it's a big cinnamon roll. You can have it now. You can have it later. You can have a quarter of it. I don't give a shit. You can take it home later and freeze it. It comes to the table and she said can have a quarter of it. I don't give a shit, you can take it home later and freeze it. Yeah. It comes to the table and she's like, I don't want it, I don't want it.

It comes to the table and this is, this is the, I'm getting it raged, just thinking about it right now. Oh yeah. She asked for one bite and that's what women do. I just, I don't want, I don't want, don't cut up half of it, don't cut up. I just want one bite and she cut through seven layers of cinnamon.

Like a iceberg through the Titanic. It's ruined. Right. And then, and then, precision, like she was a, like a, like an archaeologist. An archaeologist. Like a Kaleyontologist going around the dinosaur bones. She took it out, removed it like she's playing a game of operation.

And that doesn't touch the sides. She took it out, removed it like she's playing a game of operation. That doesn't test the sides. Sweeps the frosting that's excess around the side and makes the best and eats it in front of me. And I was like, that's the most brutal thing I've ever seen. That's like, because that's like sex. That's like, I'm going to come into the bedroom and you're like, Hey, would you want some of this? And you take off your clothes and then I take off my clothes and I'm standing there in front of you

and then you put your clothes back on and run out of the apartment. I'm going to say the same thing now as I'm going to say then, which is, hey, I was going to eat that. All right. That's why I ordered that. I wanted the center. I need the center of my shit.

And I don't know why she eats the center. That's, but they know that that's all we give a shit about. Well, it's, it's like the, there's a couple of things that I get any pleasure from. Sex, you know, obviously we do. Eating, forgot to take. And as you get older, the eating climbs and the sex one goes down. I don't know if that's everybody's experience,

but after a while I'm like, man, I'm having sex and I'm thinking about like a nice pork chop. Like I'm into the sex, but I'm like, oh man, maybe like a cinnamon apple sauce pork chop. That's what I'm thinking. So, as sometimes you're good with just the Netflix part. Yeah, and then I realize that the sex stop happening. I'm like, oh shit, I'm like, I was thinking about the food.

And what I've noticed, what 80s girl does is, my girlfriend, 80s girl. She'll, it's like a contest now because she doesn't get her own thing. It's always, I'll have a bite of yours. But then she's trying to eat it as fast as possible. Like she's just gotten out of prison and this is the first cinnamon roll that she's trying to eat it as fast as possible. Like she's just gotten out of prison and this is the first cinnamon roll that she's at.

Like this is the first chocolate mousse ever. And now I see it happening and I'm not gonna say, hey, you wanna stop shoveling that in your fucking mouth? Like do you wanna just take it easy? So now I'm racing. I'm racing it and like trying to go at the same time as her so I could knock a little bit of the food off so I could take the spoon and just slice a little bit of hers off.

And then I'm done and I'm like, this whole thing was ruined. This whole thing was ruined because you just, I wouldn't just ordered two. Like I couldn't just order two things. No, she doesn't want two. Because if you get one for her, then she considers I ate one of those.

Yeah. It's a unit thing. If I didn one for her, then she considers I ate one of those. Yeah. It's a unit thing. If I didn't have it, then I didn't, it was just a bite. It was just a bite. This is exact, last night this happened. I came home with Taco Bell, all right, because I'm a real disgusting piece of shit, like 10 o'clock at night.

Yeah, and just talk about disgusting. It is not a mess. There is no defense for it. I know what I'm doing. And I come home and I haven't eaten yet today because I'm stupid. All right, like I had two or three cups of coffee and I'm like, you know, I can go out of day on this.

And I come home and I've got like two cheesy chalupa things. And I'm always thinking, all right, I'm gonna give her a bite of whatever I'm eating. That's just like the tax. That's the tax I always do. Now, ironically, she gets disgusting shit on her food. Every egg dish, there is three different kinds of salsa or hot sauce that taint the food.

She'll put ketchup on steak. Ketchup on steak? Oh my God. Or A1 or anything. I'll get like a New York strip and I'll be like, look, I just cooked this. I just, I just marinated in butter. It's perfect.

I ate it for a month. Yeah, yeah, I beat the hell out of it. I've tenderized it. And it's perfect medium rare. And should be like, do you have any Tabasco or anything? Do you have any Sriracha? You go, no, no, it tastes the steak, right? So I will intention.

Just a model, they don't know how to eat. They always brag about how much they eat. Like every, does your wife talk about constantly? Like the hotter the chick is, the more she wants everybody to know how much she eats. Yeah, I, my, the hottest Instagram model will have just a dump truck of food. And they're gonna say, this is my lunch, everybody.

Look at how I'm tearing into it, but they don't. I, that's a very, it's a most women dude. I married her because that's not the case in her particular, but what she will do is intentionally put shit on the food that I don't like immediately. Like immediately, you'll come to the table and be like a Denver, I'm like, I'm gonna get a bite of this shit. And then there'll be table and be like a Denver on, I'm like, yeah, I'm going to get a bite of this shit.

And then there'll be Tabasco all over the Denver on. So I get the Chalupa home. And I, if you're taking a bite of a taco, the best bites like the middle after you've broken away the shell, right? Yeah, sure, yeah. It's, it's perfect. So I'm like, hey, would you like, look over it? Would you like some of the, take a take the first bite?

No, no, no, I don't. I take the first bite. And, no, no, I don't. I take the first bite and now I'm like, okay, now I'm setting it up for the next, you know, the next mathematical make it the fraction. And they're like, oh, now I would like one. Now you're gonna take, now what's left is like the crispy, like the little half nugget at the end. And that's, that's, that's women's intelligence.

She got the perfect ratio of shell to me, to cheese, to, yeah, their monsters, absolute fucking monster. I dated this girl whose mouth was shaped like a, I don't know, she looked like a chalupa. Like it was, no, it was shaped like a, like a beak. Like she was beautiful. You couldn't tell, but then I would give it, we'd go to in and out.

And she wouldn't want to order a burger because of cows, like his cows are cute. Okay, that was a series, that was the reason. But then she'd always want just a bite of mine. And when she would take it, her mouth was shaped like a Velasa Raptor.

And she would bite through and it would bite like the entire, like a you, like a you, like a deep you out of the middle of the burger and then I get it back and it's like a floppy boomerang. What the fuck is this? What am I supposed to do? Like just, I'll just order two from now on.

I don't give a fuck, I don't wanna eat this. All right, I am. But it counts, but it counts. You can't, the item counts in their mind is the whole calorie intake. Most people can't calculate or wrap their mind around, what's a bite? How many calories in a bite? They don't give, no, so that's, that's the way that was.

This was recorded at noon in case anyone was wondering why we're talking about food for half an hour. Yeah, right. That's what we do. What the fuckers need a lunch break, which is always fighting women about sex and food. That's it. Like, anyway, that's why break, which is always fighting women about sex and food. Yep. That's it Like does it anyway? That's why edible panties are like way too much information for you. It's just like, oh god. That is

That's that's the combination of both have you ever used those huh? Have you ever used edible panties? Yes once that's that's enough. Yeah enough. It's they seem gross to me. Are they gross? Well, you know what it is. Do you know what it is? It's a fruit rollup, essentially. Yeah, that seems gross. It does seem gross. And you got it over real quick. You put it on to like, oh, well, let me just, here, just, let me, and then you just have a snack.

You just, you know, like, eat it off of them. Like the guy mind is like, oh, look at that, thank you. I appreciate it. It seems like a snack, like an hors d'oeuvre tray is saying, like, I don't that in whipped cream, I never understood the honest stuff. Oh, I did that when you were a kid, you know, like, cause that's the idea that you're like,

oh, I just want things to lick off somebody. And then eventually, you're like, I just want an ice cream sundae. Yeah, it's really like, maybe I just have an erection for a sundae, that's really sick when dick and have an erection for a Sunday. That's sick went dick and a son of a bunch better. Maybe like a, well, I think varsity blues did that shit to us. Remember? Yeah, I do remember that varsity blues. I mean, we're about the same generation where that girl came out in the whipped cream bikini and you're like,

oh my God. Was that Amy smart? I believe. I think it was actually. She seems so sticky. No, no, Amy, Amy Smart was the girlfriend. Oh, she was in that though. Yeah, the other girl was some other girl that we never... I do remember some whipped cream, you know, whatever. Yeah, and it seemed practical. Yeah, yeah. It seemed totally realistic that that would happen.

Yeah, sure. Yeah. You're also an impressionist. Yeah. Randy tells me, I'm looking on this, I'm like, by the way, you want to plug anything? You got this thing as a mile long you got here. Stand up, recently won your episode of First Impressions.

Which is an impression contest. Is that right, Dana Carvey's? Dana Carvey's shows. Yeah, he had six, I believe, six episodes, and I won one of them. Who's your best impersonation? Well, now that's a tough question. Do you mean like my favorite to do?

Yeah, who's your favorite to do? My favorite to do because it's so weird to see me do it as cat Williams because I grew up watching cat Williams and loving his material. And then at one point in my life, I was like, I gotta do this. And it came out correctly and people just can't stand.

So like, when I... Usually we ask for celebrity impersonations on the show and we'll get like, Emperor Palpatine. Oh, I will give you the weirdest list you've ever seen. I will give you the list that's not on there. I want actual actual Steve Curry. That was everybody's like, well, they must sound like that. No, what I mean by that is like,

Max T.J. from Goof Troop. That's only on this channel. No, I mean, like the deep cuts that you wouldn't think about. You're like, oh my God, somebody in person, that's what I like doing. But cat Williams would be, I had, I had put him in a scenario, put them anywhere you like it. I'd like to hear what do you think about Trump's monocle. All right, so I, I, people have been asking me to do a Donald Trump and I won't. All right.

I won't, I won't do it. And because I have to watch somebody for a long time and I'll get their manurisms down and it, and it hurts to watch him for too long. No, it's a lot, it's a lot of greatness to take in it once. That's true. But that's, there's a lot of greatness, but I will say, I will say this, the shit he says is so unintentionally funny that I would like any other comic to take him over. Like I would love to see Cat Williams play Donald Trump.

Like I would in a movie where like you had all the Republicans up there on the debating him. First of all, Marco Rubio, I don't give a shit what you say about the size of my hands, bitch, you know they all huge. Come over here. I'll slap you in the face with my hands. All my dick, grab your pussy too. I don't give a shit, boo boo. I just like, is it Marcus Bachman?

Chris Christie, let me tell you something about deep fried food, motherfucker. Stay away from it. Stay away from my bridge. Stay away from anything I have to eat. Shouldn't have never, never, never put that twink in your mouth, bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like both of them.

Sounds like both of them. Sounds like both of them. Yeah. Cat Trump. And you know, my favorite thing too is that I've been playing this game as a fun like release of tension is Steven Wright reading Donald Trump quotes. Well, I hear the voice. You could definitely do Steven right.

Yeah, I want to. We're going to build a wall. It's going to be the best wall. I have the best ones. But who am I? Yeah. I love. I have you give me actual tweets like I love reading as the more depressed.

Have you heard Mark Hamill read the New Year's Creed? Is Joker? Yeah, it's pretty funny because it's exactly like what Joker would say. Right, exactly. I love the same thing was done by Billy West doing zap ran again. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. Do you know Ross Markwond? I don't.

He's absolutely incredible. He's a, he's a voice double for a lot of, you know, in case they can't, they can't come in and ADR their lines. They're off doing something else. There is. He just spot on stuff. Dude, it is a, it's a great, great skill in watching those. I've done a couple movies. I can't say what they were, but I matched Walberg and Dwayne Johnson. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So those two completely different ends of the spectrum. Okay, here you go. Here's some Trump tweets to read as Stephen Wright. All right, cool. Those are the best Trump tweets. I love Stephen Wright. Yeah, he's great. I always think he's going to kill himself though. I'm always surprised to find out he's still alive. Yeah. All right, here we go. I've never seen a thin pison drinking a diet coke. Happy. Happy Thanksgiving to all. Even the haters and the losers.

Happy new year to all, including to my many enemies and those who afford me and lost so badly, they just don't know what to do. Love. The more depressing the better. Yeah, man, the more depressing the better. You, man, more depressing the better. You got a good Vince Vaughan too. Don't I do that?

That's I gotta put him in a situation now. Give me anywhere to put him. Yeah. Let me see. Would you like him railing on Trump? Would you like? I would like Vince Vaughan to read an erotic story.

I do have on to read an erotic story. What can have an erotic story. What can we make Vince Vaughn doing? Here's the best thing you have. Pick somebody who's a real tragic case and tell Vince to pick him up. That's the best thing to do. Can Vince Vaughn give Maddocks a pep talk for his, the rival of this show is a gentleman by the name of Maddox who tries to fuck me over many many many times and his network's fucking tanking he's got this like shill factory network this show however is a huge tremendous success right many many very talented listeners listen highly engaged we have the best audio engineer on the planet. Maddox has a shit audio engineer,

but his network is dying. His network is dying. Especially it's a rivalry that we have. You want me to pick him up? Yeah, pick, pick, man. He's also, he's had a number of books fail and he's writing one right now. I think he needs a, pick me up from Vince Vaughn. All right. Hey, here's a deal. Max, you listening here, guy? You paying it, you're paying the pension of me here? I know things aren't looking good for you, okay? You're looking over at the Dixero and you're thinking, you're thinking, how am I supposed to compete with that? Okay, they've got an engineer that can't even,

I can't even, I can't even put words to it, okay? I would pay him money, but money isn't even, it's not even an option for him. He just does this for fun. And normally I could buy somebody, but you can't buy this kind of piece, okay? Now listen to me, listen to me, guy, okay, you've put pen to paper many times and you've sold as many copies as Teela Tequila, okay?

But listen, don't let that get you down. All right, you're still money. All right, I didn't read your books. I read the back and I was like, that's not good for me, but it'll be good for somebody. Okay, now every time you step up to the microphone, I don like, that's not good for me, but it'll be good for somebody. Okay. Now every time you step up to the microphone, I don't want you thinking about the shadow and clown. That is your competitor who is raining shit on you because it's happening every day.

Don't think about it every day. All right, just put it beside you. Okay, just take it aside and think, I am money even though my name is fucking mad. It's okay. That's fine. You get overott. Okay, that's fine. You get over you. Okay, you just do you, even though none of the shit

you do actually works. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha months. FaZeOnLove had me call him once. Who's that? FaZeOnLove is the worm from Friday. Oh yeah, okay. All these movies with Vince like my emotions. Yeah, and he's like call him. So I called him when he was new in New York at like 3am and I was like, hey Vince, this is Vince buddy. Are you listening to me? You paying attention. I'm a very important person. Okay, motherfucker. You start talking right now. Okay, my time is time is money and he goes I am way too messed up for this right now. So who's you get to do this? I will call you tomorrow when I am a little more soap. Let's fucking ask you. Thank you. Thank you for giving the option. Okay you are. What do you have to what do you want to plug here seriously?

What do you got? Coming up I've got a lot of tour dates coming up. I will be in Milwaukee March 25th through the 27th at the Comedy Cafe. I'll be in Reno and, and that'll be February 24th through the end of March. Okay. So yeah. What's your website? JustinRuppel.com, J-U-S-T-I-N-R-U-P-P-L-E. All right, buddy. God, you going on tour, you must get chicks throwing themselves on you.

No, actually, I, this is no joke. I get off the stage, I saw my t-shirts, and I go back to the hotel room. I know, you don't get a, like a squadron of chuckle fuckers. No, yeah, I never heard that term. You never heard of chicks that fuck funny, like, want a fuck. I told you, no Chuckle fuckers. No, I never heard that term. You never heard it. Chuckle fuckers. Shicks, it fucked funny, like, wanna fuck.

I told you, no, no, no, no. I heard it from Maddox was the first time I ever heard it. Hey, you know what, he needs those Chuckle fuckers. So, man, you don't look down on Chuckle fuckers. For Maddox, but that's only for Maddox. He needs the laugh on his cock, okay? I will say that I talk about my wife a lot in the show. Okay. And I would think that would make chicks my wife a lot in the show. Okay.

And I would think that would make chicks compete. You know, you would have to, you would have to really be a special kind of aggressive woman to be like, I heard 17 minutes about you and your wife. Yeah. And if they do, I smile and nod, and then I go back to my hotel room

because I don't, I mean, that's not why I got into this shit. I got into, because my drug is stand up straight up. Like it's, when you're on stage, it's like a high, you can't, you can't get over. Then when you're off stage, it's, you're automatically crashing. Everything after that is just, oh fuck, am I going to medicate back up to this? Yeah. Makes sense.

And I spoke a lot of pot. Yeah. So that's, that's probably good for you. Yeah, thank you. Do you get really high before you go on? Uh, yeah. So you don't, yeah, it doesn't impair you that way. No, um, there are you, are you high right now? It would be high, high by definition is, is different for everybody. Yes. Yeah. I know. Like if, if you're going to ask me in my, the same kind of high I got when I was 19? Absolutely not. Absolutely not.

Yeah, no. But is there a tiny bit of THC? Sure. But there are a lot of people who will drink, and I don't like to drink. Yeah. And more so, it impairs my ability to perform at a top notch speed.

And also I get really unbalanced and really sleepy and tired and so it's just not me. But pot doesn't make for a very social person. I don't wanna go out like, let's go to the bar and let's all get hot. No, that's not one. That's gonna change my friend. Now that's legal everywhere.

Oh man, bars are gonna to start giving out, I just realized this, bars will start giving out weed because it's so cheap just to get people in the bar drinking. That's what they got to do. The only difference. It's a great idea. The only difference is that unlike we, unlike alcohol in order to do alcohol, you have to ingest it yourself. You have to physically put it into your body. But if you fill a room with great pot smoke, even if you don't want to, you're going to get a little bust. And there is the great future.

I know it is. It's a future I'm excited about, but it's also a future that comes with hot box all of the U S. We're going to build two big walls on both sides. Everybody's going to be smoking weed all day. We're all going to be highest fuck, it's going to be awesome. And seriously crime rate will go down considerably. Yeah. Do you think they'll have at some point they'll have weed with alcohol?

Like you know, like an like a pot. They do. No, no, no, no, no, I mean in the same place. It's called absent. Oh, you don't like an Amsterdam. You got to, you can smoke in coffee shots, but bars don't have weed. Oh, well, they ever offer them together here. Yes.

I think that weed will become, if they can, if they can figure out a way, um, this is a weird, this is a weird tangent, but my dad has been, for the last couple of years, he's been working with this organic pest control company only on weed. Like his, his, his version of standup, his drug is business. Right. He's done my whole life. He was a stockbroker and I was a kid and he's just always trying to, he's always trying to turn like, he's always trying to turn a, a, a tiny deal into a huge deal.

Yeah. I mean, no surprise that I love Trump, right? Same, same, same, I think he's my dad. Um, so he's, he's working with this organic pest control company to turn their entire business model over to we over to target weed because they got to be, it's got to be organic. And nobody's like, that's the, that's the federal requirement. That's a state, sorry, this is state requirement. But he's, he's always saying that if they find a way to measure reliably, the amount of weed

you're going to ingest, like because you got the, you get the liquor content of the bottle or a beer, if they can do that with weed, if they can say like this edible gets you X high, that's the, that is the only thing that's keeping it from being as ubiquitous as liquor. Well, the issue is, and he's, he's absolutely right. The, and the real issue is that when it comes to ingesting it, it's a big mystery because everybody's DNA then comes into play. Whereas alcohol, it's not quite as much. Uh, that's exactly what I was going to say.

Like you said, do I get high like 19, but my high at 19 is different than your high at 19. Correct. And different strains, different strains different strains different THC content and your mother fuckers. Yeah, this guy's nickname is sativa Sean. Yeah, I don't smoke weed. Oh, really? Just smells like a lot of years long, long story. Well, it's funny because I just don't It's been going for years now. I think at some years now, I think. At some...

It's, I, Citeva's the only thing I'd do at all. Yeah. Does Indika just knock you out? No, I don't like Indika. I don't like the way it makes me feel. Yeah. I don't like being tired. I don't like having, uh, sitting in the couch.

I don't like wanting to be just not part of society. Yeah. No, I totally agree. And, and the issue, like I said, Edibles affect you completely different because sometimes they can bypass little safety mechanisms and affect you completely different than smoking it well or favorizing it well.

And so the people who are like, I'm gonna try for the first time, I'm gonna try this brownie and you're like, please don't, please don't. Cause that is going to creep the shit out of you. You're gonna get so scared. Well, you're gonna be hot, you can't get out of it. No, there's you're gonna be hot for a long time.

At least four or five hours, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure. All right, Justin Ruppel, check, Mill, if you live in Milwaukee, check out their Reno, check out their jessonruppel.com. Thanks a lot for coming in, man. Thanks for your impressions, too. Right, those are fucking spot on.

I, anytime, guess. I like that guy. Yeah, a little more, a little more high energy than null. Yeah. I think. Oh, dude. Um, what? Speaking of guests and null, shortly after the last episode, all of Kiwi Farms got taken down. No, hold the whole thing down. Yeah. He, he, he pulled it all down, he pulled it all down because I don't know, No hold the whole thing down. Yeah. He pulled it all down. He pulled it all down because I don't know. He doesn't show. No, I doubt it was because of the show. Just, just,

Well, the show's going to say, the show does have a reach. Man, so this is what I gathered happened. No, no, no, came on here and I was saying on the, on the last episode, that just no posting on Kiwi Farms, he was going to be on the show. This guy contacted me. And with the subject of Dick Masterson, pedophile apologist question mark, and I was like, what the fuck? It was a several paragraph long email about how awful null was, ending with a threat that he was gonna sue me out of exist.

I'll sue you and I'll sue like that South Park episode with Scientology, I'll sue you and I'll sue you, I'll sue, and I was like, oh my fuck, who the fuck is this guy? No, it was, yeah, well, I mean, that got sorted, I mean, I saw it. You saw it. It was like, I my fuck, who the fuck is this guy? No, it was, yeah, well, I mean, that got, I mean, I saw it. You saw it. It was like, I've gotten threats from lawyers before. It's a lot, it was pretty phenomenal. It was pretty phenomenal.

It was pretty phenomenal. Oh no, it was hilarious. I go, okay, dude. Yeah, it was a list of his accomplishments. Yeah, in fact, I've been recognized by parliament. That's not what a lawsuit threat looks like. No. No.

That's what, anyway. My mom says my latest drawing is great. There's a spot on the front side. One time I raced a guy in junior high and I came in second. Yeah. Just want you to know that. Yeah. And I will feel, I have no problem dedicating that kind of speed against you when

your show. Yeah. The other guy finished second to last. Yeah. Oh, man. And the guy who came in first went on to, uh, went on to play rugby, went on to play professional rugby. So basically I'm almost as fast as him. And almost a professional rugby player. And I'll sue you. And I was like, all right, man, whatever. But apparently, I'm making jokes about it because that's what we do on the show. But apparently they went after the guys. Mom and family. This guy, yeah. But he's been threatening no for forever.

Forever. It's the same guy. It seems like it was. And apparently it got too much for me to Yeah, I'm actually surprised like just by how he was talking and because he didn't seem like he would be phased by any of that Eventually they eventually they get you man like you got it's the same thing with Maddox and like it you know like a stereos came on and said Like, it's the same thing with Maddox. And like, you know, like, Astereos came on and said that he's legitimately afraid that Maddox will get him fired. Cause he just pulls bullshit like this.

Like, Maddox has gotten people fired. He's posted there. He got a marketing email from somebody. He posted on his site. The girl's instantly fired for nothing. Like, you didn't need to post your fucking name. Let's know, there's no, it didn't make it any funnier. Anyway, down, totally down.

No kidding. Socks, I feel bad for the guy. Cause he, like, I know, well, what do you think it'll come back up? I mean, yeah, something different. Well, I know. Somebody will put it back up. Yeah.

Maybe WikiLeaks. I mean, it's, that guy made me think about, his whole thing a lot after the show. Yeah, a lot of people complained about that he's not the most entertaining guy. You know what? Go ahead. I was so bored during it. And I was watching the chat room. And because I'm usually watching the chat a little bit in case there's audio issues. Are you talking about handsome? You are your fucking haircut. No, no, I did get a haircut. It's very, very short too.

Well, this fallero said Sean is always reading the YouTube live comments and or playing ass farming simulator on Facebook whenever Dix talks to somebody else. Don't take it personally. As what he said, didn't know he's making a joke. Yeah. He's not telling you not to take it. Oh, I got you. Yeah.

No, I just when I went back and listen when I was mixing it down, he was not telling you not to take it. Oh, I gotcha. Yeah, no, I just, when I went back and listened when I was mixing it down, he was a much more interesting guest than I thought, and I actually thought you did a good job of playing both sides of it where it's like, look man, like, you know, enough drone strikes, you're gonna hit a red cross. Like, I don't think what you're doing is all good. Like, you can, and that's kind of my opinion.

I don't think, I don't think he's doing a service. I think he's just a service. I think he's just being an asshole because he thinks it's funny. But there are, there is some of it as a byproduct can do some good things. And that's the whole scam. And so it's, there's definitely an argument, but I don't think that's why he does it. I don't think that's why most people do it. He's doing it. He's doing it. Yeah, of course he likes to turn the shit. He's big on the first amendment in all. So I was trying to compare it to,

like everybody's got their amendment that they love. Yeah. He's got the first amendment. I got the second amendment that some people got the fourth amendment. That's their favorite amendment. They don't want you to tread on that one. So I'm thinking about like what he's,

what he had over there at Kiwi Farms, which is just a dump of repository of of gas of public information, public information. Yeah, that's it. And they said he said very explicitly, don't fuck with people. That's frowned upon. Don't do because there's a big, oh yeah. But so he just don't do it. But what does that matter?

But also it's like the if you happen to do it, you know what I mean? It's the no he was very as I understand it he was he was proactive in enforcing the don't fuck with it don't fuck with people. But he said he's taken like nothing down. He's like what it's probably information. Well, that's the whole thing. It's like what like what's you know, it's the reason I thought there was stuff with like people getting Doc stuff there and all that kind of stuff Well docs to means a lot of different. Well, I know, but what it means is really publishing personal information on somebody

Right like who they are where they live that's that's public information though Well, okay, you know, well, I'm saying and all they did was take public information and put it in this It's like it's a but it's a thing where It was take public information and put it in this thing. It's like, but it's a thing where most people would have to look harder for that. Well, yeah. But, you know, that's why it's, that's why it was interesting. I know. I thought to me, it's interesting.

I just think it's like, well, I'm not, you know, I'm not responsible for this because my arms like, and if someone should open it up and get away. Yeah, but he was totally different than I thought he would be, I thought he would be like a caricature of what you're describing. And I thought he was much, I thought he had a much deeper, I thought he had a much more sophisticated thought process

about it than I was expecting. Yeah, maybe so. Because I was thinking about in terms of the second amendment, I'm like, yeah, gun, if you can build a nuke, you deserve it. If you can build a nuclear bomb, you're probably gonna deal with it more responsibly than somebody who just bought it. Like, it's yours.

Congratulations. You go, whatever you want. Second Amendment, bitch. Say, in the war, private company's brought a can, as far as I'm concerned, a can into the battlefield. As far as I'm concerned, a can into the battlefield, as far as I'm concerned, the average person having a car is infinitely more dangerous than me having an MP5. Yeah, I'm saying.

But then you got like a dude rolling around, it's like, okay, guns are everywhere, huh? Then you just got like a dude strolling around town in a Confederate flag shirt, like making people flinch. Like, yeah, I don't feel comfortable with that. Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to belabor the point, but it did get taken down.

That's really, I'm really surprised at that. Because he said, he said, what was he talking about? Like the FBI has been on him at times, and then somebody, some people showing up. To his house. Yeah, and I read that thread. So it's like that woman is on Facebook talking about how she just got a new crossbow

she wants to try out. She's got pictures of knives. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? Showing up at this dude's house? I'm trying to put myself into there because I'm not personally afraid of that because I got more guns than hands thanks to my life coach.

But like that's some random dude showing up at your house. Ah, yeah, I just, I don't know what got to him. Or I mean, wait, he took it down or did someone take it down voluntarily? I guess it's because somebody in his family got fucked with too hard. Wow. Huh?

Yeah. Anyway, let me get, let me get this Samuel guy on the, hey, Samuel, are you there? Hey, I'm here. This guy's a fucking hero. I Trump's inauguration day. I wake up to about a hundred texts saying, did I just see a dickhead on Fox News

with the naked cowboy at Trump's inauguration. Sure, sure, sure, shit giant fucking picture. Samuel, of you and of you in the naked cowboy on the, the Fox and friends like live reporter there. Yeah, Fox and friends live reporter like, I'm getting my life coach text me, dude, the funny this is my favorite thing to ever come out of your show because it's like you can't fucking escape it now unbelievable there's so many dickheads in the shirt that I'm wearing right now just everybody's trying to have a nice day watching Fox News boom this motherfucker pops up like Eric the red like a Viking just the numbers I saw was something like six million people subconsciously saw your logo.

Everything's a contest. Oh yeah, you win man. You win. That's a six million. That's the current rating high score. How did you get there? How'd you shove yourself in there? I'm in DC. Live in the DC area. So I was going to the inauguration anyway. And I had two goals when I woke up. I wanted to enjoy the inauguration, talk to some interesting people, and get that logo on live TV.

First time I've ever tried to get on live national TV or anything like that. So I wake up at 3 a.m. I go walking three miles because it got all of Pennsylvania have cordoned off. You have to go around the capital to get the closest entrance. Yeah. I get there was like a million and a half people there. I heard the check in booths. So I wait there for about four hours. So it's been like seven hours that I've been standing in double layered long sleeve t-shirts and your T-shirt over top of it in like 35-degree weather because you're from California

Yeah, you can walk outside almost any time in a T-shirt and you're fine for some reason you don't sell Hoodies or jackets To the more or be neck living who live in Antarctica Yeah, that I get you so so I get in there I'm as close to the stage as you can be if you don't have tickets, which I didn't. And I see the Fox news, you know, the Fox and Friends guy come up and choose out, you know, a big group of like good old boys. Okay. And I know that that's my one opportunity.

So I kind of work myself over there and there's a big, you know, the classic circle that forms around people with the cameraman on one end of the front. and I get a like duck between people and get up there next to him. And the news reporter notices your book. Okay, he had my fucking book there. Like, boom. Unbelievable. And I'm believe men are better than women. So he looks at it and he goes, what's that? Some anti-woman book or something and I'm like, I'm like, no, it's better,

better than women. It's from Dick Masterson, a big, big, young supporter. Cup is half empty kind of question. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, just don't hold it up during the livestream. So I hold it sideways so the title can be seen.

Ha, ha, ha. OK. Now I do have to say, for anyone else trying to get on live TV, the one mistake I made is I didn't hold on to that reporter. So he, like the first two or three times he went on live, he was just doing cheers from the crowd. You know, and the third time when the naked cowboy ran up, because the naked cowboy, like photo bomb the entire thing,

I had worked myself back into that circle. But right in the middle, he interviewed those good old boys and I'd been shifted out of the way because the issue was fun. Yeah. I should have just grabbed onto the reporter and not let him go. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's, I learned, you know, first time I tried, I learned you just stay there. You don't apologize, you don't go anywhere, you just stay there. No that's true, it was fuck. When I was way back when I was at that Trump rally on the USS Iowa, the one that where I said I had a sense of pride, yeah, everybody made fun of me. I did the same thing, I posted up on the dayus on the other side, seeing where Trump was

walking and seeing where all the people were swarming. And I was having like, I was doing like sumo shit on there, like just so I wouldn't get shoved and moved. And people like, it's their job to horn in. So they just make you feel like you should get out of the way. But I'm sitting there like absorbing elbows and turning them back into elbows of my own and sitting. That's how I ended up getting it. And I remember my life coach standing off to the side afterwards just going, what

did I, he's saying to himself, like, what was it? What did I think would happen? Did they would just walk right over to me and say, Hey, do you have anything like you really got a, if you want to get on there, you got to fight your fucking way in. Well, that was awesome. A lot of people are polite too. It's like trying to get to the front of, you know, the front of a crowd. If you just set your eyes and go forward, you're gonna get there. Well, that was fucking great, dude.

Hey, what, let me ask you this, since you brought so much joy to all of us. What makes you a rage? Oh, what makes me a rage? People who play games, but give up if they think they've lost. Nothing pisses me off more than someone that's like, we're two or three hours into a monopoly game. I've kicked over some fucking monopoly games.

Or something like that. And someone's quitting in the middle of it. Yeah. Because the entire point of the game for me is I want to destroy you. Yeah. Yeah. I want to I want you to go to work tomorrow and have your personal and professional reputation ruined because your boss heard how badly I got you at the level. Do you guys finish Monopoly? The end is a monopoly game. I would never be playing with real cash. I want your house to be more. I want to own everything that you are. Yeah.

I want to have a, I want to have a coupon to sleep with your wife more. Nice. Yeah. Me too. I grew, here's the thing. I grew up in a family. We didn't pander to kids. If you play, you lose until you're good enough to win.

That's right. You know, my grandma had to stop playing spoons with the family because she would dive across the table and someone would eventually get hurt. Yeah. You know, bed time for me was when I lost the game. So if I want to stay up till midnight, midnight, I got to learn how to play. That's a good fucking idea. Yeah.

As kids, they're not getting enough competition. Like no, no, they're not at all. And it's wrecking their brains. Well, it's fucking them up for the real world where everything's a contest. Yeah, you stay up until you lose. Yeah. Good-ass incentive, man. Everyone, I was a kid.

We used to play a lot of tennis. My dad was trying to turn me into like, he was trying to tie your woods me into Andre being the next Andre Agassi. Of course, at the time, we didn't realize that Andre Agassi had a huge meth problem and all of his hair in his life was a fucking disaster. I don't know why my dad was trying to do this, but that's why you didn't make it. That's probably why he had kids. He got me on meth.

And he would play a game of tennis with me every once in a while. And I would get just like, I would not win a single point. Yeah. And I would have to play the entire game Where he where he wins six games in a row. Yeah, I don't care what game you're trying to play It is never too late to win. I mean, I know I'm gonna have dickheads like showing me, you know, photo proof that it's always You know, it's too late to win, but like fuck you. Well, you know, they were on TV. Well, but it's that's an attitude too Yeah, you can there's always a way to come back. I could have you land on my tiny little, you know,

50 cent, you know, peace on monopoly three or four times in a row and I own half your property now. I don't, you know, there's always a way. I like the attitude of when you have to start manipulating people into staying in the monopoly game. Like it's such a blow out and you want to keep blowing them out, but you've gloated too much, so they want a rage quit. So you have to start pulling.

Go ahead. Someone like a six year old decides that he was going to play the game, but he's losing now. So he starts asking mom for advice. So now she's playing two people. Yeah. Bullshit. You don't get to do that.

You're going to play till you cry. No, I hear you, buddy. All right, is there, well, I'm gonna put you on the board for that. Thanks so much for doing it. I wanna send you some shirts. Samuel's also a photographer. Yeah, so he's gonna hear this idea

of taking some shirts for the store to get like a super hot chick and put a shirt on her and then get like a super fat dude and put like a small on him. That's great. Yeah. So I'm going to send you some of those shirts. Probably today, buddy. Thanks. Thanks for doing that. And thanks for getting on TV too. It's fucking hilarious. Hey, hopefully it won't be the first time and I messaged you at two in the morning on on your Facebook. I said, Dick, I'm about to go to the inauguration.

I'm gonna try to get on TV. And you said you believed in me. I didn't do it. I gotta throw this out. You know, fucking drunk I was when I said that. I got so shit face the night before the inauguration. That's great. And I meant it.

I posted everything directly to the Facebook group, as it was live and happening. But the Facebook group, sorry Dustin, it's a fucking mess. I mean, the memes go so fast on there. I can't even find my own pictures anymore. So I also have a board up on the Reddit where you can see the entire series of pictures and responses and dick saying that I can do it. It's fucking great. Oh, that's great. I'll link to it. All right, thanks buddy. We'll be in touch. Yeah, good day.

Make America great again, dude. That's, that's funny. Asterios, I got a neurotic story. Asterios dropped some insanely hot guys on his live stream that involves you. Revolves me. Involves you. I don't know if I, I don't think we have time

to talk about it today, because I wanna get, I need to get Larry on the phone, and I need to get Dustin and Joel Chaco. Joel, all right, Joel Chaco. Yo, yo, how's it going, Ola? We're doing you first for no reason. It's because I'm the best. cause there we go. That's why. Uh, now, now you understand that is he, is he no brain? Mr, Mr. No brain has become a, a forest. Oh, absolutely. And he's, uh, he's in my hometown here. So I, if I want to take him out, I can take him out physically if I have to. Well,

it might come down to that. And he needs to be taken down because he's starting to just wildly rip off my old material from the biggest. He brought in bad haircuts last week. I famously brought in bad haircuts on the last show. Yeah. He must be stopped.

He's an evil. At first I thought he brought in bad mics. He had a horrible mic the whole time too. Oh, yeah. That was his wife's fault, right? Uh, okay. So it's so either you or Dustin, uh, is going to have to, it's up to one of you guys to take him down. And you've both done so much for the show and have, have had such a tremendous week and everybody knows what I'm talking about that I want you guys to compete to see who takes him down. Okay? Sure. Yeah. All right. So I'm going to put, I'm going to put 69 seconds. How's your podcast going, by the way? My podcast is, it grew quite a bit since

the last time I was on the show. Thanks so much for bringing it up. Here's what I don't get. If you haven't heard it yet, I think at least half of your listeners would like it. up. Here's what I don't get. If you haven't heard it yet, I think at least half of your listeners would like it. Don't great. You do that with Uncle Buck, the home, the home whiskey maker, the home bootlayer. Oh, yeah, we don't want to get taken down for, we don't want to get taken down by the authorities for his, his previous life, you know, so. Joel, everything I say on the show is stories for comedic purposes. Yes. Of course. Of course. All right. I don't do any. Well, of course, of course. All right. Well, so do you want me to get started?

You got your clock right there. You ready? I'm going to ask you. Here you go. What makes you? I just want to say one thing. I'm not shaking Dustin's hand after this is done. I'll never fucking knew that.

Never shaking that guy's hand after this is done. I don't know what it's like. They know that you don't want to shake their hand and they're just escalating the, the stalemate. I don't know. Maybe it's to impress their girlfriends after they lost. Who knows? And that yeah, maybe you're right.

All right. Ready? What makes you a rage? Go. Shitty nachos. Everybody has had them and they're disgraced to the restaurant industry. And there's absolutely no, no excuse for them at all because nachos are one of the easiest fucking dishes that you can prepare.

You open the bag of chips, you dump them on the plate, you throw on the chop, toppings like olives, peppers, jalapenos, the whole thing. But you gotta make sure there's enough cheese to make it all stick together, okay? And there's a proper physics that goes to nachos, okay? The cheese should never be liquid, okay? It starts as a solid, you melt it to a liquid,

and then by the time it hits my table, it better be fucking solid again, all right? Cheese should never be liquid, the chips should never be round. They should always be triangles, and there's just no excuse for it. I mean, I'll give you the case on 7-Eleven nachos, and if you're coming home at like 4am,

those can be liquid, but those aren't nachos, okay? And nachos are never cheap, okay? They usually come in a giant plate, so when you order them, you're ordering for the whole group, and instead of like one person getting a disappointing order, everybody's disappointed.

Like the whole night is fucking ruined by shitty nachos. Everybody suffers. And what do you do? What do you do when the shitty nachos arrive? You try to salvage them. You try to lie to yourself. You try to buy some extra salsa,

or to pay $7 for a thimbleful of guacamole. I mean, Jesus Christ, it chips cheese toppings, heat, fucking simple. And if you bring me fucking burnt nachos, you take those motherfuckers back immediately. All right. So I fucking crunched them down. Time. I can't agree with you more. Man. So I have a correction to make from the last time I was on here, just a couple of people

think that I actually own a midget wrestling company. My company is not a midget wrestling company. I work for a midget wrestling company, but the company that I own is normal, says people. Well, giant people. Bad nachos, man. First of all, every single movie theater, if every single movie theater in America, or Snotchos on Earth, you go, you guys get nachos at your movie theaters? Yes. And they're those little packs of circle chip nachos with like a reheated bowl of

cheat of liquid cheese. It's so bad. That's just chemicals. It's not. Never been a good set of nachos that are round. It's absolutely fucking disgusting. When I, if I go to a movie and the girl orders nachos, I just leave. I can't, I can't sit there and want, because it's the jalapenos are disgusting there. Then you get, you get the goofy, fancy nachos at the restaurant where if you bring me bad nachos and I send them back, the rules. If you bring me bad nachos and I send them back, the rules should be, if you bring bad nachos

and they get sent back, they get stricken off the menu. That's it. You got to go where you around a drink too for the trouble. You got to go back and think about what you did. You close down your pub for a week and take the shit off the walls. That's telling everybody that this is a shitty pub because shitty pubs have shitty nachos.

And then you get, if you go to a fair and you get the little pack of circle chip nachos, I think you, I think you get dragged out of the fair. It's totally unacceptable because they're not nachos. It's chips with chemical cheese. And no point was this cheese, a cheese. It's just a liquid. What the inventor of nachos came around, they never intended them for them to be soggy.

No, there's no such thing as soggy nachos that should never be, that should be stricken from the earth. Absolutely repulsive. All right, good luck, buddy. I'm gonna bring Dustin on now. Thanks for calling in. Here's what I don't get is the podcast. Thanks, Dick.

Yep, let's get Dustin in here. Okay. Dustin. Are you there? Brother, what is up? How you doing? You just heard Mr. Joel Chakos rage, right? Good rage. That was a decent rage. I wanted to do the rage voice, which is good. Are you talking shit? No, no, no, no. I mean, that's exciting. That's good. Harding. Are you talking shit? No, no, no, no. I mean, that's exciting. That's good. It's always hard to tell. I could never tell with this.

It's always hard to tell. I can never tell if Dustin's fucking with me or not. Dustin, I've wanted to get you on the board forever. Remember Mr. Insincere, our friend? The, the two one express. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So this guy, that's what he sounds like. I tell that story another time. I've been to everything this. I'm down rage. Yeah. And like there's so many things to bring in. It's so hard to pinpoint one thing that pisses you off in your life. It's like and everything's always something that in that moment is is quote unquote the biggest problem in your life at that second. Yeah. But like two minutes later, you forget about it. So you have to write this stuff down. Yeah, that's true. People are making fun of you on the voicemail saying that you have a diary

where you write things down all day. I do, it's my dick diary. So this is the greatest, this is a great thing about Dustin. I'm gonna throw you under the bus a little bit here. Absolutely. Dustin had the idea, he texts me this idea, saying that what do you think, he goes, what do you think about this?

What if I do a beat for my rage and I rap my rage over the top of it? And you said, oh God, yes. I wanted you so bad. But then Ashtereo's told you not to do it, right? Yeah, he told me to respect the rage. He said what I was planning would be disrespectful to the rage. And like it makes sense. When you, it's something that we honor here. It's something that we

really put a lot of time and effort into. And I don't want to sell the rage. Thank you. Like a wet nacho. Okay, let's let's let's get you to it there. Are you ready? Tell him to go. You know is he needs to be taken down. He's done. He's he's just ripping off too many bits. Bullshit. He's become, he's turned to heal. Now he's, I think he's doing it on purpose. Cheap, he's getting cheap wins. Cheap wins. All right, buddy. Ready? What makes you rage go? Everybody can relate to this rage. You've had similar experiences. It might be a family member. Your sister, your mom, even your grandma,

hell could be your wife. It doesn't matter the relation. This rage will pierce your soul and make you see red. Your eyes will pulse, your veins will pop. I'm talking about motherfuckers chewing with their mouth open, like a dog looking skippy out of his feminist owner's snatch, bonus rage of your own of teeth. I have a coworker, a disgusting slob in the creature that smashes lips while he chews, and open mouth breeds like some kind of sleep apnea

infested man-pug hybrid, slowly masticating sandwiches, super sandwiches super chips it doesn't matter I can hear the molecules reverberating his mouth smacking and slapping and swooping until with every beat my fist is pounding on desk angrily cursing the day this creature was born one time I was at the movies and the person I was with sat next to behind into the left of a toothless stumble bum he was tossing pop where his massive tongue the goddamn salt leaking, lick a tongue, retracting his massive tongue into his toothless maw, and slowly, meticulously, pre-digesting the popcorn with a mouthful of saliva, sloshing,

and mushing the popcorn into a pulpy, noisy mess. I had to move. It sounded like what I imagined, any sugar or all sex on any sugar would sound like. It's a goddamn relopster, he's dead in a seeded and I was directly facing one of these smug slurpers, lobster bisque. Fuck you.

E outside you fat bitch. Time to do those biscuits. Time Amy Jummer, performing oral on Amy Jummer, disgusting. Probably one of the most disgusting images ever conjured in the show. All right, Dustin. Let's see how you do.

Good luck. We'll see. You got any questions from Facebook? As the chat saying is cringe personified, so hope you have some of them. Wait, what? The chat says it's cringe personified. I missed that one.

I think you did great. All right, do you got any questions from Facebook? I do, I do, I do. You guys had a busy week on a goodness. That popped up, you mentioned Larry earlier He actually wrote into the show and he wants to know from listener Larry Blightner what gross thing did dick due to me? Yeah, you know what let me call him. I got to get a guess from him Right? Yeah, well wait you don't know yet. Well only a stereos knows

Yeah, you've been teasing this for weeks now, though. At least a couple of weeks. Well, I want to know what Larry, what I possibly did to Larry. Well, me too. I don't know what I did. What are we going to ask Larry? Are we going to find out today? If Larry knows, we'll find out.

We got to see. Let me probably, doesn't know. I mean, he asked the question, right? Well, look, Maddox told the stereos that I did something gross to Larry. I mean, Larry must know what it is and has had, have told Maddox, right?

Otherwise Maddox would just be making things up to make me look bad. I don't want to, I don't want to just assume that's what he's doing. He's just lying all the time to make me look bad, right? So I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if Larry knows what it is. Not answering. All right, I'll give him a couple minutes. You know, I'm gonna give him a couple minutes in reading a Rodic story and see if he responds.

All right. How's that dust then? Sounds good. Okay, thanks for calling in. Good luck. Have a good week. Let's see here. Oh, I got some comments here.

Toby Johnson says, hey, Dick, please, please see the recent information regarding the Trump acquisition. The footage does, in fact, exist of the Donald receiving a liquid gold spray down. However, one element overlooked is the involvement of a certain audio engineer. Please see the dossier below that has been handed to me by a reliable source. I can only tell you his alias, it's S, S, S, S, um guy. There is footage. This guy says he has footage of you pissing on Donald Trump. Oh, damn it.

So I mean, it's coming from a reliable source, Sean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I got it. Sean pissing on the hooker who pisses on Trump. I don't know. Yeah. Do you deny that this is real? Well, no. The question's out there now. Well, I guess I pissed on Donald Trump by proxy. Marco, Marco Ferencino says, you completely fucked up this time. I'm guessing you forgot to take your stupid pills this month and took them all before recording your last podcast

Relabber it said it. Bronies are quite literally the embodiment of what you were complaining about this week People owning the insult and being all self-deprecated. You cut yourself on that. You know, you said I remember the comment. Yeah, a lot of people sent in a dick versus dick about that. I think we just need the court for that though. Like that's why I think we need a burn studies unit because it's like, okay, this is why I think it's a little different. Buzzfeed has been trying to look credible. They were a pile of garbage.

They've always been a pile of garbage. Yeah, they are. And now they're trying to look like a credible news organization. Undeniable, right? I guess so, yeah. They got editors now and now they're saying they're Buzzfeed news. That's what we are. And now they're trying to look like a credible news organization. Undeniable, right? I guess. Oh, yeah. They're trying. They got editors now. And now they're saying they're bus feed news. That's what we are. We've got this building. We're in an entertainment media company now. It's like, oh, so you're not the animated gif people anymore. Okay. You're trying to rebrand. That's fine. And then they fuck up and they get

busted for it. And they're like, oh, we are shit after all. I was like, no, you guys tried to look credible and you blew it. Yeah, they got, they came too quick. And it was, you know what I mean? They fucked up the sex. They're right in their face. Yeah, and they, yeah. So I think that's still a burn on them. The deplorable thing is different

because I think Hillary Clinton fucked that up. Because she said, oh, they're deplorable. Yeah, right. That seems like the binders of women thing. That was a huge that up. Because she said, oh, they're deplorable. They're like, uh, that seems like, like the, uh, the binders of women thing. That was a huge fuck up. Merami, fuck that. It's like, it's all, this is what burn studies does. You have to find who fucked up

and who should be embarrassed, but who isn't embarrassed. That's what I think anyway. But just, just because there's controversy, proves that there needs to be burn studies departments. There needs to be education in burn studies. There needs to be research done in burn studies. There needs to be experiments done.

Experiments done in burning. Your mama contests, things like that. Like why was, why was that your mama joke funnier than the other one? This needs to be studied. This shit, I can't just linger, things like that. Like why was, why was that your mama joke funny or then the other one? This needs to be studied, this shit. I can't just linger out here like this. People calling other people having their stupid pills and shit like this, that's, we don't need that.

All right, unironically get raped by a brony. Let's see, I'll read this erotic story. Oh shit, you know what? What, I'm gonna play instead of this erotic story, I got a voicemail from Let Us Jones. Oh yeah. From the Pokey. Yeah, you wanna hear that?

Sure. You wanna hear that or an erotic story? I don't know. I mean, all right. I don't wanna stress you out. I don't know. The erotic story, I'm leaning toward. Okay.

All right, we'll play Let Us Jones after that. What does Let Us Jones have to say right now? I mean, does it interesting? Have you heard it heard it while he's in jail. Well, yeah, right story. We can do rock story. I don't know Let's say I play it after the beat The dick show presents erotic stories from real men Yeah, all right this comes from this comes to us from Drew.com. You know what I'm going to call them.

It's an inauguration erotic story, so it's timely. Dick I've been seeing this girl I met on Tinder. She's a real cutie 314. That's the number for pie. 314 is pie 3.14. So when they say cutie pie, they mean to say cutie 3.14, that's how they do it. That's a less efficient way of saying cutie pie. Less communication is not about efficiency, very petite, probably about one ten or so.

Small like a bird, delicate like a flower, but my dude, those tits are out of this world. Definitely a D. Firm, not saggy at all. It's rare to see such a small person with such huge cans. I think we can all agree with that. Last night I had her over. We were speaking on the finer points of no country for old men.

Sipping wine and eating some pizza. Wow, that's a good night. I consider myself a gentleman, so I thought the Italian dinner would be appreciated. After words, we did some fooling around, but nothing too special. No nuts were to be had and doobitably. Bummer. I feel like at this point it's important to note this girl is a huge liberal, but what can you expect from a private arts school student?

Naturally being a dickhead, I gave her a hard time. I tell her the wall is going up, and there's nothing she can do about it. Her parents are Eastern European immigrants, so to poke extra fun at her, I tell her we're sending her and her parents back. Luckily, she's a good sport. are Eastern European immigrants. So to poke extra fun at her, I tell her we're sending her and her parents back. Luckily, she's a good sport. She laughs it off. While we're sitting on the couch, I say to her, you know, America is going to be great again by this time tomorrow. You should come over and watch the enog with me. It's short for inauguration. I was only half joking, but to my delight, my Slavic Bay replies, only if you let me stay

the night. Oh, man, she's Slavic too. The two, the cans on those brides, some hot Eastern European checks, man. Fuckin' whatever Chernobyl did over there to make the cans, to grow those cans. They should, they should have let three mile island do the same fucking thing in America. It's on.jpeg he says. Unfortunately, that night, I got no nut off whatsoever. And she teased me the entire night.

Blue balls ached like never before. The sun came up and I shot out of bed. We were just able to catch Trump's inaugural address. I go to sit down in the couch and prepare my gloating. When the little slob says, stand up. I was a bit confused, but I obliged. I thought I'd give her the satisfaction since I'm about to mansplain for eight years straight.

True dad. She pulls down my sweats and starts making quick work on my J-Rod. As a wise man once told me, she took it to a whole new level. She started jerking me off while she was sucking my thing. See, unforgivable YouTube. He's got citations on his, yeah, on his Aaronic's work. Eventually we moved on and she removed the steel curtain

and let me enter her motherland, time to drop some dong on some B hole. As I'm taking her to Pound Town, I hear Trump's words in the background. I feel a great sense of pride. For many years, we've subsidized foreign industry. He quotes, God damn right we have. From this day forward, a new vision will govern this land. He quotes, she stops me and asks, stick head, will you choke me? What? That Mp4? Admittedly, this makes me feel a bit weird, but I start choking or anyway. And continue listening to President Trump talk about making this country great again. The sense of pride I felt is boiled over. Time for deportation.

As I pull out, she lifts her head and purposefully puts her face in front of my deportees. Purposefully puts her face in front of my deportees. There are more euphemisms in this erotic story than we've ever heard. I've done it, I say. I've made your face great again. Luckily she thought this joke was fine. So I got away with that one. Yeah. We've all been there. Luckily she thought that joke was funny. Thank you, Dick, and most of all, thank you, Mr. Trump. All right. You've been listening to your Rodic stories.

That one came together at the end. I brought to you by the Dick show. Okay, Larry's on the, oh good, Larry's on the horn here. Let me see if I can get some audio Larry how are you? I'm good dick. How are you? This is tremendous. We can do live fucking calls on the air now. Hey, I'm doing great So a bunch of the a bunch of the Facebook guys wanted to know I don't know if you're aware of this But a stereoos told us a

stereos told us that maddox told him I did something unspeakable and gross to you I heard that and I can't imagine what it was and I want to know you can't imagine so you don't know you don't know what I did to you what gross thing i did to you i don't know what gross thing did you do to me this is this is a tremendous revelation so that if i didn't do anything gross to you that would mean maddox is just making this up i would have to believe that for what for what possible reason would that be that it would just make up these lies about me that that's the I mean, this was the reason why this was the given reason why you came on to the show at all is because I did this gross thing to you.

Well, you have to define gross though, like what it's so what's what would be gross to you. I think gross is disgusting. That's like what? Well, you know, you got me that'll do I don't do this type of thing, but I'd mean people like to pull a John Lennon like a piss in a cocktail before he handed to me something like that. That would be kind of gross, right? So, Maddox is saying that I pissed in a cocktail and gave it to you, and that somehow convinced you to be on my show. That's

what he was saying to a stereo it couldn't have been that uh... let's see we've been friends for what ten years long-fuck a time that's the right to apologize no that's that's that's uh... that's insane so do you have do you have any guests because it then if if you don't know and i don't know it seems like the only person who knows is aereos. Let's get them on the phone. We find out. Do you have a guess at all as to what I might have done to you?

Okay. What, what, what? Maddox, who, who, who, who's a supposition was? This was Maddox's? Yes. He's saying that I did something gross to you. That's the only reason you came, that's the reason you came on the show. And like, and gross is used by a stereos. Yeah, so it's something what would a stereos think is gross though. He's Greek.

They don't think anything is gross. Is it disgusting, man? Yeah. I think once when we had dinner years ago with the girlfriend, you accidentally took my water glass and drank out of it, but I never shared that information with Maddox. As well as it's very difficult to piece together. Well that would be a letdown if that was it right? I think that was it.

Well you what do you think he what do you think knowing you what could I possibly do that would be like an egregious thing to you? Because this riddle exists, right? Now I feel like we got to solve this sphinx riddle of what me as a grown up man could possibly do to you, a grown up man and some kind of weird, that would be like a weird thing to hold over you. To make you be on the show. I think we have to put on our,

get to put on our Maddox moccasins and walk around in them for a while to sort of get in his head, don't we? That's what I think. Yeah, that's what I'm getting to. Right. Because yeah. So maybe we need to start thinking along the lines of uh... something something bizarre you know something weird uh... uh... you know something that would have been to see the thing is the thing is that we're we're not easily offended are we know right no but uh... i think he may be comes from the place of of those who are offended for even the most imaginary slight

so uh... let's see now. That's very true. You might have looked at me in the non-pleasant look one time. That would be pretty gross. Oh, that's not a good look, man. I don't know. You might not have been smiling. Maybe you forgot to say goodbye before you hung up the phone. That's pretty gross. Has anybody done, has anybody ever done something gross to you that you would have considered gross? Oh, yeah, and he means he mixed it up.

Maybe I shared something, something some other person did that was gross and he, he conflated it with you and, and credit it with you with being the grosser. Perhaps. I just don't want to say, I just don't want to say that he's just making a tremendous lies. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt by thinking maybe he confused, maybe he confused these things that's entirely possible uh... you know he's just you just sort of uh...

that makes something up and i know that i don't remember sharing any gross out information uh... with with him i you know i really i know that's why i had to say that but i'd you know i know this this this can under this mystery first arose with like weeks ago now it's is going on for five six weeks. Yeah, and I'm scratching. I had what did he do? What did he do? Oh my God. What did you do to me? That's why so has anybody ever done anything gross to you?

Yeah, my brother did lots of gross shit when I was kid, you know, sure white boogers on my shirt and things like that. But that was it. Maybe Maddox thinks I wiped some boogers on Larry. And that's what he had to be on the show. I don't know. Well anyway, yeah, everybody really loves your podcast. There are a lot of good things about it on the phone.

Oh, thank you. It's getting some rave reviews. And it's all, thank you. It's getting, it's getting some rave reviews and, uh, and it's all because of you. Yeah. Take you gross, you gross person. Really? If you hadn't had me on and plugged it so generously, it wouldn't be anywhere. So, uh, I am very, very grateful. I saw a title. Thank you. I saw a title of, um, of one of your recent episodes called Larry Slugs and None. Is that right?

Yes. My, my, my, my last episode Yes, my last episode was Larry Slugs and None, which is the God's Honest Truth, which you have to listen to to find out what happens. And next Tuesday, and this is, I am also, I want to say I'm pleased, is Punch and Proud to be a part of the few next Tuesday, Dick Masters and Network. Yeah, yeah, it's very, it's growing every day. Next week in, next Tuesday's episode is Larry Atlus Circus. And you don't love it. You know, wringling brothers shit down. These are great titles.

Exactly, exactly. When do you see the thumbnail, oh boy. It's invisible, so yes. All right, so that's, so there's no idea why, we have no idea why, Maddox said you can't be on my network. I have no idea, I honestly have no idea why we have no idea why Maddox said you can't be on my network. I have no idea. I honestly have no idea that none whatsoever, but it seems that it's serious. I mean, he's the guy that shared this intel with us. Is he not? He's the guy we need to get out of the hot lights and interrogate because I think he, Maddox, won't tell

us, but I think if serious, well, won't he? I guess so. Yeah. He's gonna fucking have to after this. Yeah. I can't. I can. Nothing was ever said. No, no, nothing was ever said. Dictated this gross thing to me and I can't do. I guess I'm grasping it straws. I don't know. Never, never once.

All right. No guesses. So like you know, I use it i'd just uh... i can't uh... really i'm absolutely at uh... plummocks that can't i can't fathom anything like i said it's been bugging the shit out of me for weeks now i've asked everyone i know i've asked on facebook i've asked people and i've even stopped rangers in the street and said what the clock did dick do to me

nobody has an answer alright well i guess i have to call a stereo next week then it gets the bottom of the i can't what you have to let me know the moment you find this out i have to find out because it's a lot of the movie sleepover this yeah me too everyone has they're all asking all asking the face but what the hell i did to you nobody even has a guess alright uh... thanks larry

thanks they yep good thing you shan celer celer even has a guess. All right. Uh, thanks Larry. Thanks, Greg. Yep. Good to see you. Sean. Yes. See you, Larry. Oops. Oh, man, I get so much.

Ah, too bad. What's that? No, we didn't get anything. I didn't, I didn't, he didn't know. Yeah. I don't know. Well, I kind of figured. You figured he wouldn't know.

I figured he wouldn't know. You thought Max was just making it up. I know. I figured that the definition of gross came into play. Oh. That, a stereos considers something gross that maybe like normal people don't. I don't know. Hmm. I don't know.

I mean, the stereo seems to be pretty, you know, on it, but I don't know. I got one more thing, ACIOU did this great compilation of what's going on on Maddox's show. It's pretty fucking funny. Let's see if any of these things are funny. He put together, ACIOU, put together the cringiest moments of Maddox's podcast and play a couple of these, see if any of them. You are listening to Distinguished Media Network. Now you talk about a lot of distinguished topics on the show,

guys who are into wearing panties. I wear panties. Wait, there was no cut on the first one. That was a real sentence, guys wearing panties. That's what they're talking about on the show. I fuck a show. That's what I think is manly, right? That's a man thing. Yeah, it's a man thing. You take what women do and then you do it better. Like wear panties.

Yeah, wear panties. Yeah, wear women's panties. Wow, Mr. Relay. You're definitely a made of cook. Oh my fucking god. All right. Yeah, Mr. Rogers was manly. He embodied virtues of masculinity.

Like what? Like making a sandwich. Like making a sandwich. Making a sandwich. That's a virtue. Make a good fucking sandwich. Look, I, Where's Tannies?

Look, I love to pee on things and where's Tannies? I try another one. But every girl I date now is that I tell them at the start of the relationship, I say, look, I have hair on my knuckles and my penis is really too old to have a boner And what I mean by that is I'm going to Chinese. I'm gonna look I'm not gonna cheat I can do anything, but I'm gonna wear panties. Do you want to know like you're at lunch and you're like wow I wear panties Okay, bye Media network One more Uh, one more, one more, one more.

Come on, no whammy's make me rich. So I grab her butt and she, she, she pushes my hand away and she says, no, I said a boner. She goes, no, I said boner. And she reached down and just grabbed my panties. And then she looked for my aunt to step up here and then we got people. And then we got to you had one. I had one. Good job. Thank you. Every girl falls in love with me because I have hair on my boner and panties. Oh man. So, a stereosis gosh that he dropped.

I'll talk about it next episode. I guess this one's... Talk about it closer to the beginning. I mean, it's a good, is it like... Oh, it's pretty fucking good. And it involves me. Yeah. And it involves you. I just do it.

What? You wanna just do it? What? Just tell you what it is. No, just do like whatever you're gonna do. Do the Gus. Yeah, tell you what it is. Yeah, I mean, like how long is it?

Yeah. I wanna talk about it the whole- I wanna talk about it at the beginning of the show. We gotta wrap it up. It's nothing bad, don't worry. It's, I mean, like how long is it? Yeah. I want to talk about it the whole. I want to talk about it at the beginning of the show. We got to wrap it up. It's nothing bad. Don't worry. I'm just joking. It involves you very loosely, just that you were there for it.

All right, everybody. I think I know what that is. Oh, you think you know what I think I do. He talked about it for like an hour on his live stream, on his Patreon. Yeah. I think I do know what he's talking about. Yeah. I think so.

It's not, it makes you look bad, not at all, in no way. I was just saying that as a tease, it has literally, nearly nothing to do with you other than that you were there. I'm always curious. You're going to like this one. It's going to be funny. Okay. I think I know.

You think you know? I think I do. All right. this is in the Dix show. Thanks for listening. Go to thedixshow.com, patreon.com, so that's the Dix show. I'm gonna bring more about the road rage next week. I think I'm gonna pick a list of cities, maybe six or seven that we could try to do this year.

Yeah. I'm really excited about that. See you next Tuesday. This outro song is by Todd Cidell. It's a reggae remix. Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, DD-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- And you could ride that thing until the end of time It doesn't matter how much you drink You could just sit in that half-pipe And coast forever

To get laid, to build things Wanna get drunk Everything else we do in life Is for the purpose of those three things Looking down, to get laid, to build things Like a trot, yeah Everything else we do in life is for the purpose of those three things That's fidel, gotta have to grass in there.

It's fun to be the listeners on this podcast are so much more actively involved than the other one. I mean like they're sitting there. I will take it. Just super, super active. They're great. I mean, like, they're, they're, they're, I will take, just super, super active. I don't know what you mean in situations. They're great. I don't know. Yeah, it's fun.

We got so many people sending in stuff like this. Dude, somebody made it. I'm writing in. Somebody did it. It's a role playing game. Yeah, for this show. Like, an actual video game that he's going to call in next week about it.

Like, a monster. I'm a demon. But it's like, like like a final fantasy type of role playing it's incredible It's all like all the little text screens and then you can actually play it and there's little moves like drink like There's a little drinking module story involved in it more rep or references than I know about the show It's fucking incredible I know about this show, it's fucking incredible. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I left out two, I gotta do a dig writing episode, maybe tomorrow.

I left out too much stuff here. I'm not mad at this. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at this. I'm not mad at this. I'm not mad at this. I'm not mad at this. I'm not mad at this. I'm not to sign my website. 30,000 dollars. Oh, website.

30,000 dollars. This is a curman. Is that a website? 30,000 dollars. Crazy. 30,000 dollars. All right, let's get some voice mail here. Now, let us challenge.

This call will be recorded in subject to monitoring at any time. Thank you for using ICSolutions. You may begin speaking now. So hello everyone, let us show them calling in. Must say the first thing that makes me a rage is not being able to yell on the phone. I was doing that the other day and the CEO almost locked me up and bullshit.

Anyway. I must say. He held on the phone and locked up. He called the kids for sending me some books. I got them all today. i have had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had had and we were both just like dying like laughing at the talk about like acts uh... i forget it so it's about uh... rubbin acts out on your notes and i was just hilarious

and i got a book called the Confederacy of donkeys not sure that the about the looks pretty good and then uh... what's the same answer for meaning was pretty serious uh... and i like that know, I like nonfiction type books. So anyway. What makes me a rage is not getting all the stuff I was supposed to get when I come in. All right. I came in here.

They gave me a toothbrush and some toothpaste, but they didn't give me any deodorant or the fucking handbook which is supposed to be like our Bible. It's like all the rules, like lay out for you right there. It's supposed to be very important that they give that to every inmate. I never got one and I bought some winning deodorant on the commissary and I'm walking on a small lady. It does smell pretty nice But that was the bullshit because then later nights so mates like oh, yeah, you can just get the Jordan for free So I have to go out the CEO Oh, yeah, all these court all these calls are recorded by the way

So if you're listening, oh, no, she you know if you're listening to any Los County, please get me a handbook and some deodorant so uh... you know if you're listening to any local police get me a handbook and from the other so so you go to jail and there's a rule book that you have to follow to keep ordering the jail yeah because it's full of murder animal you know people who people who couldn't live in society in the own

lettuce made you might be a good guy but who knows what everybody else is, right? It was different levels. Different levels of criminals in there, but they've got, they've established a rule set that you follow and that's integral to maintaining order in the prison. Yeah. Forgot to give it to him. That's what I'm giving. You cannot be held responsible for anything he does, right? Hey, there's, I didn't know why couldn't do that. We got a great system. You just got to go by all the rules set to keep straight. So you don't so you don't have a bad time in jail. It's every single just any situation you might

come across just go consult the rule book, the handbook of being in jail and you'll be all right. Right. Hey, where is the when am I going to get the rule book? Don't know. We don't, we don't know. And also no deodorant. So this hot box of human, human grease and B.O. We're not doing anything about that. Oh, God. Man, fuck, fuck jail. The thing that I, the thing that always seems the worst about jail seems like the human failure part.

Like the getting ass raped in the shower that seems like a fucking human like a failure to enforce the rules of the prison system. You know what I mean they might not be in the handbook to be fair. Yeah, but like you know you don't like it seems like if they ran it like. It should be where there's no ass raping happening in violence, it wouldn't be that bad. You just go, like, you know, obviously, it's just still terrible, but it's like the human failure elements of jail are so critical. It seems like a terrifying place because of that to me.

All right, here you can call the game this call will be recorded in subject to monitoring at any time thank you for using i see solutions you may be getting speaking now here okay rage number two uh... there's too much religious bullshit in jail man telling you like of all books that we got and in the cell here i I'd say about 35% of them are just religious bullshit. Christianity is one, whatever, or a bunch of stories about reform criminal finding Jesus

and blah, blah, blah. The thing that really pissed me off those, like all the programs here are also religious bullshit. Like instead of education or maybe something that would help people get a job and they come out here, it's like, now it's just bunching jeez is shit and this is really going to help anybody so that's what makes me a little bit of a rage. I guess it would probably cost more money to get like you know I mean they do they have GD classes and they have a creative writing class which I went to you know because I'm writing a book, you know, book

a lettuce. And actually, there's no idea what the book a lettuce is going to be about. But I have started working on my script. My movie script is called Alien, Akbar. It combines terrorists, scientists, aliens. It's going to be great. It's going to be wonderful. But anyway, a back to this relationship, like if you can get you know more programs in here you like you know get people get people job when they get out or something like that feel like it would be ten times better than the political class you know according to the latest time people believe in bullshit to get through our city it is here

but the like i said i probably costs money and I guess the religious stuff, you know, it's just a bunch of people come here and do it for free because they feel like it's so difficult. Yeah, it's a little bit of a little bit of a tip that I have for the police that are listening, I'm sure it's cool. So anyway, what else we've got here? There's no ghosts in jail. And that's the former man, like, there's haunted houses, but why aren't there any haunted jails? Like, I don't know, that would be cool.

I wish there were ghosts in here, VLF boring. But anyway, that's all I have for today. I'm going to call him next week with some more rages, maybe even a book review. Please do the book review. I'm going to read a man of better women first, because I need a funny book. Please do the book review. I need a funny book. I've been reading all serious stuff in here. Anyway, thank you all for making this possible. I think we might be making history on our debateable,

because calling into a radio show from jail, I don't think anyone's ever done that before. My film made me tell me that they've done it on like, you know, serial that podcast of murder mysteries or something but i don't know you guys should look into that but anyway uh... thank you thank you shan thank you to the uh... count countable letters that

would be called now thank you very much to countable letters uh... and i'm making up all you guys are uh... calling in from j it's pretty decent connection. Yeah, it is. That's probably it's a landline, isn't it? I mean, it is.

I'll play a couple of these. Hey, Dick, it's your old Chinese Tony calling in again. It's been a while since my last rage. Hmm. I called in with this one. We're half fuck me. Nope. Oh, you blew it.

You can call back. He just left it at that. Really? Yeah. The Dix show, Andrew from E.G. N. Oregon. I have one question for you. OK, now I think I understand women pretty well. I mean, they've been married for almost 10 years, and it's been going great.

However, there's one thing women do with that I just don't get. Most men that I've met hate the idea of Showing like a movie that they like to someone who doesn't want to see it You would sit there and show like ghost blusters To somebody who definitely doesn't want to watch it. No. Why the fuck would you want to do that? And yet women you diversely love They love to drag us the shit When they know we won't we won they know we will we won't do

we won't we won't like a part of it uh... we will never change our mind to think it will become more entrenched in more better you know i've been part of the one to say they just want to argue that afterwards i can leave the front tax but i don't think women think that way i had i just and i have no answer why do they why do they love to drag us to stupid

shit that we don't want to watch? I don't know, but they do it. They just want to make you I have my rarely seen the nail hit that hard by a hammer. Yeah. God fucking every Yeah, 80s girl will not stop with the horror movies every fucking other week It's like well well how about how about you make it a treat for me if we watch a horror movie is I don't I don't ever want to do this. I fucking hate scary movies. I don't ever want to watch one ever But it's like I don't get it. I don't get the appeal of why she wants to make me watch it. Like, I know I won't like it. I don't like being scared.

I don't think they're very good. I don't see, I don't like gross things. They're all cheaply made. They all rely on one stupid little gimmick that is scary. It's always scary, but it's like, I don't want to experience. I don't like any of this experience. He's talking a lot about going to the movies too, right? I'm sure. Like the least defensive part is having to sit there and blow two hours on something. I don't even shit about it. Well, I've said, when that's happened to me, I've said, I'm not paying for this.

That's Sean. And you make her pay for it. Yes. I'd rather just I want to know the price where I don't want to see that. I want to pay I want like an Uber where I get in the movie and then I fire up the the man Uber and I go to the bathroom and somebody else goes and watches the movie who looks like me and then I sneak in at end, and I'm just sitting in the parking lot dicking around on my phone. That's what I want. Yeah. God, I fucking hate that. He's so right.

Hey, it's spicy Tony again. Wanted to shorten up the last sentence that I sent you, because it was a little bit rambling. I just want to say, I'm sick and tired of being a pariah amongst all of my ones thought to be intelligent friends, because I don't outwardly hate Trump.

Okay, I don't like the guy. I didn't vote for him. I didn't vote for Haley. And if all of my friends are saying stupid bullshit that doesn't make any sense, like for instance, there was a man driving around my hometown with a fake black person in the back of his truck with a Confederate flag and it said in loving memory of whoever killed Martin Luther King Jr. On the back of his truck. James Erwin. And that time's in my hometown.

Everyone saying, oh, welcome to Trump's America. Free speech. They're acting like racism didn't exist before trump and that racism in our town there's a dude a mile down the road from more my parents live for the nazi flag hang from the house that's been there before trump believe in pretending to be president pretending like he was going to be president so now just a social pariah

not because i support trump because i don't immediately say that i think it's fucking ridiculous i don't know how to handle these people and i just have this bubbling rage building up inside every single day i i'm i don't even know what to do it's so frustrating uh... if you give me any advice that the great thanks man man there is it's getting real ugly out there

with the shit uh... my man sent me a text even sent me a text last night saying that he needs now He wants to have a herald Proceed him wherever he goes and the herald will say here here come Steven who Accepts and then just list all the people that he supports now Yeah, because he's his Trump supporters well and just like just to chill everyone out like he's suffering the same thing. Yeah, sure. Oh, you were all into it. Now you're now you're a fucking fascist and fucking he's like, whoa, I don't think

any of those things. So he wants a herald to say here, I'm pulling up the text here. Interst even the color blind, platonic friend of women. He who reveres those in transition champion of the gaze, no homo, not that it's a big deal mind you, and let's the behaviors of all gods and zealots slide just this time. It's just so he can avoid the the unending bullshit that he's getting. Oh, this one's pretty good. All right, Dick, here's an issue I got.

Here's what makes me absolutely want to probably run my car into oncoming traffic. People who think they can fix other people by throwing responsibility at them. Get this. I'm a stress dude. I live at home with my mom and my sister. I'm 22. I work a job. I do my job well. I'm trying to get money

so I could save up for a car. I got to come home every single fucking day and listen to my mom bitch at me about how I'm not going to school and shit. You know why I'm not going to school because I didn't know what I wanted to fucking do since I was 18. I'm 22 and I now want to go do something with I don't know fucking computers or some shit and Also want to go to this refrigeration school. It doesn't matter I finally know what I want to do. Right when I know what I want to fucking do you know what fucking happens? My fucking sister buys me a goddamn dog a great thing German Shepherd mother fucker prove the fuck by a dog that requires

their time and energy than anything else to not only go into playing with the goddamn dogs that the fucking training of the goddamn dogs I don't fucking understand it they do responsibility at me because I was buying drugs and drinking at their fucking house I I don't understand it. Like, don't get me wrong. I wasn't burning their house situation. To be fair, I did some stupid shit. Everybody got some stupid shit when they come out of a fucking relationship.

If they didn't fucking right, yeah, I don't fucking right. I don't fucking like life. That's all fucking right. Jesus Christ, I can go on our day, holy shit. They bought him a horse. Yeah. To get him on just to stop him from doing doing drinking and drugs. Oh, man. Fucking pet as a gift. What a disaster. There is LA, the town of failure. There are so many, so many chicks out here trying to do whatever who just immediately buy a dog and it ends their run.

It ends their run of being a success out here permanently. Yeah. Because they have to be home to deal with their fucking dog every day at like 10 p.m. No, I know. They're, they're, they're on a schedule. You can't work with the schedule. Fucking joke. All right, we're like two and a half hours.

Oh God, okay. Thanks guys. Thanks guys.