The Dick Show - Episode 395 - Dick on Stochastic Feet Stuff

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

The Mona Lisa is disrespected, Title IX defenders, The Stochastic Terrorism Bookfair, neo-cervix screenings, the world's largest penis, Vince McMahon is super MeToo'ed, China makes driving safer, Disney swingers, arrested for jokes in a group chat, a guy gives away money, and Madison Madnes reads the news; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Oh, thank God. We're recording. I have the Popeye song queued up for every time I open a beer. Can you hear it? I can. I might have to join you in on beers too, even. It's a debauchery day. You should have picked up some beer because this might be the last one.

Oh, well. It's not the last thing to enjoy in this house. Where's Vito's Tim Tams by the way? Did he eat them all finally? I haven't been here in a while. You can tell. Sorry everybody. I just coming back here.

Where's Vito's Tim Tams by the way? Of all things, I'm like, okay, this is familiar. Like V's Tim Tams are gone. Fido's snack pile. I told him, because he refuses to get on the scale now. Oh. Because of his addiction. Like me? Well, he is food addiction. You give me a breathalyzer.

At any moment, I will do it. Yeah. Because I refuse to refuse that I'm an addict. Right? Well, I'm not, if you're an addict, you're trying to hide something. Yes. I have no addictions. I'm drunk right now. I'm telling you, I'm an addict. Right? If you're an addict, you're trying to hide something.

I don't have any like. I have no addictions. I'm drunk right now. I'm telling you for a fact. And I need a beer. For a fact. As a fact. I might drive.

I think you're too drunk to drive. You know what you're right. You're right. Even if I'm dead sober, I'll say it. Too drunk to drive. I don't even want, I don't even particularly like driving. You know what? Driving is terrible anyway.

Hate it. I'm sick of even driving drunk. You know, we'll not get on the scale. So I said to people, send me toys, send me toys that he would want. And if he refuses to weigh himself for our entertainment, I'll destroy the toy in front of him. If it's a magic card, you know, like a guy,

like on the reserve list, magic card, no matter what the price I don't care. I'll feel nothing. Yeah destroying it right Like a dentist like an like an evil dentist with a box of toys and treats exactly I'm gonna start with Pac-Man. Fido has a weight problem just to catch you up In case you weren't aware of me telling you every week. He does have a weight problem It's good to see you again, Dude, it's great seeing you. Thanks for having me back.

What happened to Sean this time? Oh man. I don't, I ran out of jokes. Wow. He joined the military. He's been slacking that hard that you ran out of jokes to excuse his absence. Yeah. Can you believe that together, Sean?

He wanted to do a Monday show and I'm like, I don't know. I'm feeling a little Johnny said as the guy who, uh, you know, is never here myself. You know, the only guy who's ever, Sean is a respectable one or two minutes late. Johnny waltzes in 30 minutes late. Hell yeah. And everyone still loves me. Other people I say, Hey, you want to come on, do the show? You want to come watch the show? Yeah. When should I show up about three or four hours early? Like it's a international flight. I said, no, no.

Why don't you just come in like a 15 minutes. So many fucking. Well, that was the thing too. I didn't want to get here three or four hours early. And then waste all of our good banter. I know. Yeah. It's wasted.

Now you can at least be like you late motherfucker. And you're like, eh, you're in for that. I lost the Pokemon again. What do you expect, man? I don't know that much racism about Samoans. That's because they're not, yeah. Cause you guys are all stuck on that island. They're not bothering people.

We're still waiting to get contact from the outside world. See, I'm only half, so I'm kind of like, I kind of know, not fully. I'm like, oh, wait a second. I know how Samoans is, they had all those ships and decided that you guys would not make good slaves. Yeah. So it must be pretty late. They were like, they were like, you know what?

Well, we can't even whip those guys to They're like, they're like, wow, railroads or whatever. Oh man. They look so big though. Yeah. They're like, well, let you deal with the Fijians and the Tongans. You guys just kind of stay in micro. Trying to get even with you. And they'll take pretty much anybody.

They use kids as slaves. China does. They can't live shit. Goes to show you. Sometimes you need a little bit of brain. They use kids as slaves. China does. They can't live shit. Goes to show you. Sometimes you need a little bit of brain. Oh, you're just tricking them. Pretending to be lazy. I see.

No, I'm just saying it. Sometimes you need a little bit of brain to get with the program. Oh, okay. I lost a Pokemon again. So I need you to teach me. I will show you the ways of how to lose even harder Pokemon.

And then my nephew said, my sister messaged me today. She goes, Hey, uh, Bambam wants to enter Pokemon tournament and he wants you to be his coach. And I'm like, he's asking me sarcastically cause he wants to flaunt his ability in my face in real time. Like he's like asking me to come watch my, you know, my wife get fucked by hit. This is it. It's an insult that he's saying to you to pass on to me. See how good I am at this one. You're like a truck dealer passing a message on to,

to someone who's got a hit on him. Yeah. I said, of course I'll do it. That's, sounds great. Well, I'll show you, I'll show you some cool stuff. I mean, I'm, every time I play this fucking game, I'm like, wow, this is pretty cool. Look at what all these new cards do.

And I'm so used to like, it's too much to read now. There used to be just a Pokemon card, one attack, read the attack. Maybe I got to know a couple of damage. Now it's like a book. Now it's like there's four, four cards sometimes. I gotta go. I can't remember all this shit, man. I'm not holding a card like this to read it. Well, sometimes it takes fucking 20 minutes for someone to take their turn.

And then by that time, it's like, oh, Jesus Christ. Well, and not even like, you sit there and you'll read things, which is fine. But some people are like, here's this. And then it's like, then they have like three cards left in their deck and you're like, all right, that's cool. Like this wasn't fun to play. Like, any.

No, it definitely wasn't fun. But yeah, you gotta fucking show that motherfucker who's boss, man, especially. No, no, no, no, no, Um, yeah, you gotta fucking show that motherfucker. Who's boss, man, especially. You don't want to get into that war with a young man. You don't want to get into the showing who's, who's boss. They're the boss. You remember Tony Danza? I was going to say Tony Danza is the boss.

He tried to show who was the boss. You're right. Now look at him. Is he heart attack? Is he alive? Something like that. Is he conservative now? Oh, oh, he's tweeting Matt Walsh, that's what happened to him.

Oh. Trying to find this quote that I've got. Look, let me show you something, not this Popeye thing that I'm talking about. This Popeye thing is great. Here's, how sexy is this comic book superheroine character on a scale of, of Christianity 10? What do you think?

How many times would you jack off to this? If this was the cover of a comic book you had when you were a kid, this is Alpha Core. This is a ripoff verse production that they've made. This is their leading lady character, the Wonder Woman-esque. This is your first exposure to this sloth-like creature that they have on the front with pectoral muscles and no tits being put on at all. Looking exactly like Kristi Alley. Looking like Kristi Alley, where she lost all the weight but only in her entire body and not on the face.

Reverse ozempic. This is, it looks like this meme with the little girl running away from the bubbles that retarded yellow green. How much, how often would you beat off to this image? If you, if this was your only thing that you had with you on a desert island, could you beat off to this? It's like Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel where he only used the models of men. So, oh, cause, and actually people say it was because it was forbidden to use female

models during that time. Cause he had to, you know, trace actual, but actually it was because it was forbidden to use female models during that time because he had to You know trace actual few but actually because it was joke He was calling the whole church. He's like well, there's nothing but a bunch of queers in here So I figured why not put it on the room, right? You might have a woman if it sat on your face, right? Which you would do when I was on your ceiling, yeah, which you probably think is normal normal sexual practice But it's not as a Catholic H Catholic, as the whole Catholic sect goes, apparently. What do you think? How many times? You got a one?

Two. If I was on a desert island, you had to beat off to only one image, and it was this. Curse the alley looking, chest plate wearing. I think I'd have better luck drawing a shitty hamburger in the dirt with a stick. Are you going to beat off to a hamburger? No, just like, you know, just like the general outline of like a set. A hamburger?

Oh, of a vagina. You draw a vagina. But just like what I'm saying is a very rudimentary, just like that, some boobs, like there we go. That would. You draw a vagina? You got a drawing? Not the tits or the ass. rudimentary just like that some boobs like there we go that would you drive vagina not the not the tits of the ass I'd look for a nice piece of driftwood that's the joke you're just looking for like holes in the ground and caves that's all implied all I'm saying is you know I guess I don't know if that's

true anymore I don't know who knows I got a whole bunch of new sound effects here do you oh look listen to this Listen to that. There's a man on the internet So much good stuff Johnny You want to get into you laughing you got it It's a show of the contest coming alive from Mountford even the hardest city failure music master the AK from yelling our man Joining me is every once in a while. Usually only when there's bad news. That's what I'm saying.

Johnny the audio engineer. Wow. Bad news. I'm here, buddy. Bad news, Johnny. Bad news, Johnny. I'm back on the scene. I do have some bad news, Johnny. Did you know that you're part of stochastic terror terrorism? Stoke, stochastic terrorism? Am I really?

Bummer, I'm sorry to tell you. Ugh. Stochastic, have you ever heard that? You know, stochastic. As someone who doesn't know many words, I don't think I've ever heard that. Do you know math for retarded people? I don't know that either.

This is a Maddox who's got a new hot drop this week. All right. See, I got a new hot drop this week. All right. See I got a new sound effect board Thank you. All right, that's enough of that. Um, he dropped he's dropping his series of Epic takedowns of meme and this week's was was guns. Oh Where in Maddox claims that I bought a gun to kill him, I think where in Maddox claims that I bought a gun to kill him, I think. Now, there's just so much happening in our world. So much at stake at the start of every morning. Come on.

You're Maddox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the Maddox video. Here, oh yeah. OK, here it is. Here's me. Here's me. You can see me with a shotgun that someone gave me.

I'm a fan of the show. Caleb Zlatnik made this shotgun for me and gave it to me. And I thought it was cool. It's very cool. He custom customized the grip and stuff. Great. Yeah. And I said it's an anti-matics defense. Uh, I got my health some anti-matics defense, right? Yeah. The joke being that like he's crazy, right? And the joke being that like a gun is kind of anti anyone defense. There's no specific person gun.

We wish there was, right? But there's not. Let's see, here we go. And then, so he's sent out his four minute video of that. He says, the photo with the gun in the whale shirt, someone says, is particularly sinister because it maintains the cloak of plausible deniability to a random observer, but it's really a coded message to every member of his stalker group,

and they all know exactly what it means. Truly unhinged shit. Exactly. Maddox says, this is, Maddox and this guy are on the same level, the same wavelength in the YouTube comments. You're picking up and putting it down. That's exactly what I thought. That's exactly what I got.

Exactly. It's psychotic. And I absolutely believe he's capable of killing. Is he not? Are there? Not everyone was. What's the point of war and stuff? They don't really screen for... Are you capable of killing?

What do you mean? Are you broadcasting that you're not? Is this like a beta male support ground? I just like to say that I'm not capable of... Am I like Brad Pitt and Fury with that guy in the German? Shoot him! You shoot him! You shoot that guy! Right? What kind of... I absolutely believe that. I just like to say that I'm not capable am I like Brad Pitt and fury with that guy in the German shoot him You shoot him you shoot that guy right what kind of I absolutely believe he's capable of killing. What do you mean capable?

By that logic he's capable of killing too like what the fuck are you talking about man? I correct here a lot of fanboys tactics are right out of the alt-right playbook a Correct. A lot of fanboys tactics are right out of the alt-right playbook. A series I recommend you watch. If you haven't seen it particularly when it comes to stochastic terrorism, what is that? Like... Beats the fuck out of me. Stochastic terrorism. It's like... You ever heard of that?

Can any of... I don't think you've ever seen that in the wild. I don't think you've ever seen that in the wild. I know what stochastic actually means. I don't know what stochastic terrorism means. See, I don't know what either of those means. Like unpredictable but trending towards terrorism? Oh. But then that's predictable.

But not precisely predictable. Oh, it's like just enough. We know someone's going to fuck something up somewhere. It seems like just being judgmental is what they're calling it. If he were ever to explicitly make a threat, he could be prosecuted. So instead he makes implications that skirt right up to the edge of what is legal in the hopes that a nutty fan of his will take the hint and take lone wolf actions, which he can then deny a link to.

Who the fuck are these guys, man? Correct, correct. I believe his, I bought a gun to protect myself from Maddox bullshit. Is a transparent attempt at having an alibi or an excuse to use violence against me so he can try to kill me and say, see, I felt threatened.

Meanwhile, he's stalking me at live events. He does live events? I don't know. Maybe like soup kitchen is a live event. And there you go. What do you think about that? Well, I think like to call is it stochastic enough for you? That actually is pretty pretty stochastic if you ask me. Yeah, the stochastic book fair You could get like a yo-yo you could get like a hardcover book, it cost like a dollar or two more, you could get like a Lamborghini poster,

you could get anything you wanted. Oh yeah. Stochastic book fair was tight. So if we're doing stochastic, no one better be fucking with those guys. Stochastic terrorist then. Oh. My sister said her school just banned the stochastic book fair. Really? Yeah, because of too much trans shit.

Oh. She said the parents all showed up and they were looking through the books. And one was a book about a cat that wanted to be a unicorn. And she's like, I mean, come on, pussy, unicorn. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, that's pretty, I guess that's pretty, that's not a really well disguised metaphor, right? Yeah, no, I try.

I'm like, what, I just think there's enough. Like a virgin, the unicorns only, virgins can kill them, right? I thought Dr. Soyes already wrote the Sneeches. Dr. Soyes, right. Yeah, the Sneechs that wanted to be a Lorax. Yeah. Yeah.

Just the Sneeches in general, the Starbelly ones. Horton is a who. That was the... Horton may or may not have been a Lorax. Yeah. Yeah. Just the Sneaches in general, the Star Valley ones. Horton is a who. That was the... Horton may or may not have been a who at one point. So they said, get all the shit out of here. You guys are done. Get these stochastic terrorism books out of here. Stochastic terrorists.

My cat though wants to be a unicorn. Let's put a unicorn horn. Just... How come it doesn't want to be a mule ever? How about that? No one wants to be a mule. I want to be a mule. Here's another that? No one wants to be a mule. There's another one I got for you.

Climate Activism. This perfectly sums it up. What about a cat that won't get on the scale? I guess that was the crux of Garfield, right? He thinks that this shirt is a subliminal message about Fuck Whales. Maddox thinks my shirt with a cartoon whale on it is about his book fuck whales Not just like a goofy shirt that I had well and You know not to put the burden on your fans or anything

But there's something about like when you listen to fan voicemails like hey, man This small thing in my life is in convenience in here like I don't know I just need to like get over myself and move on like And I'm like, that's usually the crux of these voicemails too. And it's like, okay. Yeah. Like people are just trying to figure it out for themselves, man. I don't think they want to like go out of their way. They don't want code.

They're not looking for like coded messages. Like he, he's saying this like Reggie Jackson and naked gun. I must shoot Maddox. Just like like Gail Shuler or whoever. Who's that? She's like, she'd been stalking Brent Spiner and just like going on.

I recently found out about her. It was kind of enjoying it. Oh yeah. Okay. Or Brent Spiner I guess. Well, he seems like he would like it. He seems like he would like it to be honest. Let me turn it down a little bit.

It's nice getting stalked. That someone likes you that much? People still think about him. Someone likes you as much as your mom should have, you know? That's like what stocking is pretty much, I guess. Cause they can get away with it. That's true. And it's like, well, you know, it's your mom.

That's your mom. Here are some, stop oil people throwing, they're the no oil, no more oil. I guess they hate oil. Oof. They even just can sense a little bit. They just lose their fucking, very allergic. That's it, no viscous fluids in this household. They're throwing soup at the Mona Lisa.

Look at this. Screaming in French, which is dumb because this is going on the internet. How many people speak French, you stupid bitch, right? Learn it in English. You got to learn two sentences in English to stop oil, and you couldn't even do that. Stop oil.

Like, hey, hey, I saw you do that, or she goes home to her boyfriend and he's like, well, you know, you could have said it in English, right? And she's like, why are you always belittling my protest? You make me feel so stupid. Right? That's for a bastard. Like. So how does this continue?

They're being rat it. They're being controlled by a little ratatouille that hates oil. Come on girls! Put some energy into this! Get some megaphones! Make a little piece of paper into a megaphones so they can hear you in the back! You can't be ashamed of what you just did. You just threw soup all over the Mona Lisa! Now they're bringing out these little blocking, uh, uh, baffling curtains, right? To cover up the Mona Lisa.

Uh, I love, I just want to say up front, I love everything about this. Uh, first of all, if they're throwing soup on the Mona Lisa, they're not blocking traffic. So already that's a win. That's, if that's what it takes to get you kids off the streets, then let's set up a Mona Lisa in every town across in this fucking traffic We're gonna send the cops out next time you're in traffic with a Mona Lisa and lure you away So give you some soup. I don't know looking pretty fucking there's a soup cart outside How'd you like to take you take a shot like a dunk tank?

And it's obviously it's going on plexiglas because the point of having the Mona Lisa out for a bunch of degenerate pigs to go worship like some kind of totem to their own cultural, to their own like cultural bonafides necessarily, necessarily guarantees that some degenerate slob will have a tantrum and destroy it. Statistically speaking, that's the thing. The fact that the plexiglass exists means that this is fine and intended, because showing this totem to these people is encouraging them to do this. It's the middle of the bell curve, right?

That's why museums exist, right? Which is why I fucking hate them. Because they come at, people in general, come at all of this art the same way they come at sports. Like what's the best athlete in the world? What's the best basketball player in the world? LeBron or Michael Jordan. Oh yeah, I'm definitely, I support that.

How about some of this art stuff? What's the best art you got in the world? LeBron or Michael Jordan. Oh yeah, I'm definitely, I support that. How about some of this art stuff? What's the best art you got in the world? Doesn't really work like that. It's kind of like a conversation that people are, cultural conversation that people are having over years. Black and white picture pizza. What's the best one though? What's the best one?

That was it? And then somebody says, it's this one, the Mona Lisa. That's the one I want. I want to show up like I'm being offloaded at Auschwitz and walk in a little circle with my phone out, staring at this painting in my phone to make sure that I can show, prove to myself,

prove to myself in 20 years when my phone reminds me of where I was this day, that I am cultured, that I went out of my way and spent effort to better myself than every other slovenly disheveled pig that shuffled around its installation that day, that I'm better than them somehow for partaking in the exact same fucking activity. And this exercise in futility and mediocrity was interrupted by art. An outbreaking of art happened at the museum

that deifies and idolizes nothing. There's no reason this painting should be famous at all other than that it was, other than that it was embraced by these people, right? Other than that you know it. No reason, none, no reason. There's no possible for a painting to be so good that the whole world knows it.

Do you know what I'm saying? What? A golfer with an arm coming out of his ass. That's something that everybody should know. Well, two trains without here is one, you actually going and seeing and going, oh son of a bitch that's pretty good. Like this is fucking really,

or they should just make it an attraction at this point. Charge 15 bucks, throw whatever the fuck you wanted. It will come hose it off. They should have people coming out. In the future, they will have people come out every Tuesday and soup the Mona Lisa. Yeah. It's the whole fucking point of it.

Exactly what's happening is the point of it. This is the response I read of this. Climate activists through soup at the Mona Lisa in the Louvre, employees should have tackled them instead of putting up curtains. People getting paid minimum wage to stand around and look official to make the art look like it's worth more. That's why the security guards are there. To make the paintings, to make it feel like it's sort of prison-esque. Like you're not supposed- like you're already guilty for doing something, right?

You shouldn't even be able to see this. You could even- your feeble mind couldn't comprehend this. You should be in a heightened state of anxiety while watching to make you more receptive. Don't read every book first and then come here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your wallet out. Buy something to massage this feeling

you have of guilt that I've inspired on you. They're not supposed to do anything. They're definitely not supposed to be risking blowing their ACL out, tackling some dumb woman. What are you running out of plexiglass? Somebody can't come out and squeegee it down. That's what I'm saying. They should just make it.

So it's like, I got like different very like, here's a chili cart, here's a soup cart, here's like all these different things. I'm so annoyed, but yeah. Tomatoes. What do you want to throw? Go classic, but give it tomato. I'm gonna throw some shrimp.

It's a little, I'm gonna splurge today and throw a fish at the Mona Lisa, right? Honey, what do you think? Oh, just throw the soup. It's, we're on a budget. We've got to go see Mulan Rouge because it was on a commercial back in Kansas or something before we, don't throw the shrimp at it.

Start making Mona Lisa themed dunk tanks. The response to it made me so annoyed that people are this upset that the concept of their own culture is somehow being disrespected. What the fuck, man? I've heard of museums and the model. Are you disrespecting my concept of culture?

I can't believe the protection they installed because they figured this would happen at some point actually worked. It worked. What the fuck, bro? Yeah. It's actually worked. What the fuck? What the fuck, bro? Yeah, there's obviously a reason there's some fucking plexiglass there. Like, no shit. If anything, they should be ashamed that they're not the first people to have thought of that. It's passe at this point.

Like, who gives a like, oh cool. More soup on the Mona Lisa. Okay, like next. How come these idiots never destroy modern art like a Pollock because they love ugliness? Okay. You should be risking people we pay minimum wage, should be risking their lives and permanent injury, stopping a totally harmless

political statement against oil for this painting that I can't explain why it's good, and not another painting that I'm sure is dog shit. Right. No reason other than, other than it's not. That would actually, maybe that's the thing, go find paintings that fucking suck and have zero protection and start going after those. Yeah, right?

Then they'll be famous. They'll make it better. I don't know why. It's just like, they found a way to hit that middle of the curve of the middle of the midway curve. They found a way to anger them and I love it. I hope they do more of it. All right.

What's the most expensive soup thrown at? Like now you have to, someone has to elevate it somewhere now in order to really make a statement. Thank you. How are they going to top it? That's what I'm saying. Maybe a five gallon bucket of shit. They'll make the soup in front of it.

Oh, that's the whole argument. You watch them go through a 20 hour chef's table episode of, here's this artisan soup we spent, you know, all this time making, and heirloom, all this shit. Somebody told me they should be killed. Like, what are you talking about? Why?

Everyone who looks at art should be killed. Everyone who enjoys art and thinks like, oh yeah, this actually, I thought something when I looked at this. There's a painting of people in a prison. I think it's a van Gogh. He was in prison for living. He painted people shuffling.

They used to make him walk around in a circle outside. It looks like the money looks exactly like that. People shuffling around in their little coat, holding their phones up and hoping that their phone appreciate sees a good piece of art that day. Well, the reason all great artists kill themselves is because they recognize they spent their whole lives putting out drivel and Southern like Jesus Christ. That was the point of this. People had to like it. Yeah. Oh man. All right.

Stochastic terror. Scholastic terror. Coming to a school. Scholastic terror. Getting banned from a school near you. Men are quitting coaching women's sports, man. Is there? Thank you.

Hey. What, can you name anything that is more important in protecting women's sports? Honey. I don't know. Survey says, ding! Wow, more important than protecting. I got this guy here.

I don't know. There's a man on the internet. A man quits coaching. Wait, do you have to play the Popeye theme since you cracked that? Yes, I do, But I lost it. Shit. Yeah. He's this man, his wife, coach, school sports for 25 years and they resigned because of

trans. Shit. Barcic basketball, Barcic tennis coached in over 1090 games, 1,667 and lost more than 23 have had a lot of success But I finally reached the point where I had to resign Last night because of boys playing girls tennis and the reason we did is we're Just not going to support boys playing girls sports. This is wrong on every level. These are not girls They're not this is this is wrong on

One level first of all your your shirt's too tight. You're not this size anymore. He's like, I happen to be wearing one of the boys' shirts right now. I'm wearing a woman's shirt to deliver you this message. Look, and he's listing his like accomplishments like Al Bundy. Right? Look, we won three Turbo Tennis Championships. of, and he's listing his accomplishments like Al Bundy, right? Look, we won three Turbo Tennis Championships, 5,000 games. Boys saying they're a girl.

They're playing a fall sport, come back and play a girl's sport and go back to playing a boy's sport. All I have to do is change the paperwork of the district office. I'm not gonna support it. I'm never gonna lie to a kid. I'm gonna support my wife who was a pioneer in title nine and every other girl that's come along now It's every adult to do the right thing and protect them. We're not protecting girls now

Now my biggest thing 12 and women's sports. He says he wouldn't lie to kids You're only supposed to lie to kids. You're definitely supposed to lie to kids. You have to lie to kids It's part of keeping them kid. In fact, when you don't lie to kids, people have a big problem with it. Yeah. Where do babies come from? Well, mistakes usually. Is Santa real? Your mom could have done better, but what did you say to him?

Yep. We're boys to play in these sports. It's dangerous. It's wrong. We have boys in the locker rooms watching girls go through their get ready for a practice or a match or a game. And they're blocking my view. How wrong is that for a girl to have to endure something like that? Well, we would have called

five or six years ago somebody going to jail is now acceptable in high school. Okay, but is that about tennis? Like, seems like you just kind of took the tennis thing and crammed a bunch of like locker rooms stuff. Like, well, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Swing it and miss. Yeah, I don't know. The title nine part really upsets me obviously because title nine is like destroyed the entire

academic system by forcing them to give equal amounts of money to women's sports and create this whole industry of fake euphoria for women's sports, but only between the ages of 11 and 20, and then dumping these women out with political science degrees, and no concept of how to use them and mountains of debt.

He's fine with that. He loves that because he can sit around and coach girls, right? And drill them and shit. Well, and he doesn't want to coach a bunch of, a bunch of queers, right? Title nine, love, big thumbs up, make women falsely into sports so they can get scholarships, right?

And dad can fucking ham you got to get the fucking scholarship We gotta we got to play tennis every single fucking second of every day Like every girl's always wanted to do since the beginning of time thanks to title minds you can get into college, right? Yeah, it's astounding And then he doesn't seem like the kind of person who goes to like WNBA games or like any professional women's sports where it's like this is supposed to lead up to, right? Like if your goal is to become a professional athlete,

you want to be like in like D1, like all these like- Yeah, dance coaching football and stuff. They'll go home and watch football all Sunday or whatever. They'll talk about that. They'll go watch regular football all day. But yeah, so they don't, he doesn't actually care about what he's doing. It's like, what are you supposed to do after college? Oh, I, I,

you should be getting married. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Communication degrees and not helping anything. You could sell pharmaceuticals. I guess. I don't know. Does tennis help with that? No, absolutely not. Yeah. No, absolutely not. But I care so much. What it is is people find easy victories. What it is? What it is, what it is, is that people find easy victories and go, well, see, I took 100 games. I won 100 games.

It's like, you just bossed a bunch of kids around for a fucking 100 seasons. Are you fucking insane? Like, what the fuck? You're talking about. They did. You didn't do shit. Why would you brag about that

This is absolutely wrong when a girl has to fear this but she can't say anything Well, yeah, that's true public school at least in Oregon. You can't say anything or you will be ostracized You will be put down. You'll be off the same and You just don't have a voice. Okay. Well then in title nine that'll fix everything real quick, right? Wow, I can't take that'll take his my dad Okay, well then let's not have any women's sports anymore. I mean yeah, you're right. That's fucking that's crazy Let's just stop doing that. Let's just be in title nine. We're gonna have a sports anymore I've sports all together. Yeah women love sports. They crave. Yeah, they crave the battle of sports as a proxy to

Fighting with their fists. What do you mean? We have to give we don we don't give women the ability to play tennis and softball, they'll kill each other. Jesus. Neo-Servix screenings. Have you got your cervix screened? No. Well, you better. Probably, I better. How long has it been since your last cervix screening? About 34 years.

Are you 34? I am, Jesus. You got a good 10 years ahead of you and then an immediate stop. And nothing will ever feel good again. Oh, I like that you think that didn't happen yesterday. I woke up and was like, fuck. Ooh.

I'm just gonna. You're 34 now? You have nine years. Nine years, yeah. Even the desire to do everything that once was good, you have nine years. Then even the desire to like do everything that once was good, you will lose it completely. That's waiting for sure. Yeah, I'm getting there.

He'll go negative. I'm easing into it. I'm not gonna like let it all fall on me. I'm just kind of slowly like, you know what? I don't like it when kind of, when just people are standing by my car for no reason. Or if there's people- I can't believe I actually don't like that.

Yeah, that's cool. Screen actually don't like that. That's cool. Screening means checking for cancer. If you're a trans woman who had bottom surgery, discuss your personal risk for cancer in your Neo-Vagina, or Neocervix. What? With your healthcare provider, and come up with a plan for cancer screening that works for you.

In your Neo-Vagina, or... and come up with a plan for cancer screening that works for you. And your Neo, and your Neo-Vegener, or, or, Neo-Servix. I mean, this is the Canadian cancer, and then they got a sassy looking woman there getting tested early to help win the battle against cancer. She says that's the news from from the I like that they've stressed like Canadian early Get you know, it's an all-coward like that fucking neoservix you're rocking Come on and get that shit tested or send you a loot crate full of shaving creams and axes for your hatchet wound for your post

little like like Those plastic like drink toppers that like movie theater. It's like a little plastic axe. Uh-huh. Oh my That's cool, I mean people should get tested for cancer. I don't get me wrong. I don't think people should get tested for cancer. Why would you want to know, you know? Yeah. But if you have cancer, like everyone who has cancer becomes such a bummer. It's like, look, man, I just wake up and throw up every day. I'm in like constantly in pain and like my life is fucking miserable and I hate everything.

But like, yeah, if you're going to get tested for cancer, you want like stage four. You got to be like Oh, like my shit's fucking falling out of my face. Yeah, you got to be like you want to be able to say fuck it I'm not doing the chemo. I'm just going out. I'm blowing all my money. Yeah for like eight months or whatever I'm fucking care like the end of house. That's shit's awesome. Yeah, that's all you can do I guess you don't want well you got stage one But we can get it early and you can do like surgeries for the rest of your life And you frame the whole rest of your outlook as like oh, you know, I'm like a fucking survivor

It's like come on dude like just live. Yeah Fucking live bro. It's live see Steve Jobs His fuck right. He you know, he didn't do it right. Oh, he didn't do it, right? Well, he spent a lot of money because he found out his diagnosis. Yeah Okay, if he would have just kept being a huge asshole and kept rocking with it He didn't do it right? Well, he spent a lot of money because he found out his diagnosis. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Okay. If he would have just kept being a huge asshole and kept rocking with it, he would have been fine. Do you want to hear Biden talking about beer?

Ooh. Biden's usually got some. When do I not? Yeah. Okay, here you go. Beer brewed here. It is used to make the brew beer to define who a worth rider thanks for the great legs. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

That's pretty cool. People are voting for this asshole. Who Earthrider thanks for the great legs. That's like a good like send off. That was like one for like that was like for his homey audience. You want to see how the Chinese are making you drive safer? This is going to explain a lot, by the way. When I show you this, it's going to explain a lot. There's a lot in that sentence alone. I'm ready for it. See, I don't know if you know this, Johnny, but China apparently has a bad problem

with unsafe drivers. You don't? I don't know if you are aware of that. You know, I never would have guessed. aware of that. I, you know, I never would have guessed. Well, here's how they're, you know, if you had to name the top countries with bad driving problems, what would you say? Where's drivers in the world? Well, capita, population size, whatever you want per capita. Yeah, I would almost say it's out here, which is ironic because China has less women, ironically. So you would think best drivers in the world. You would think. You would think. It's a toss up, I guess, probably between China and LA.

Here's what China's doing to make their drivers safer. They're shooting. Jesus fucking Christ. Like when your like when your TV would go Oh, in like the 80s and it have no more signal, right? Colored bars going for stretching for miles between road archways on their freeways You can see that it is is China because it has Chinese lettering on the video It's like rainbow road flipped upside down

You think this would make you a more safer driver or perhaps a total psychotic nightmare on the video. It's like rainbow road flipped upside down. Do you think this would make you a more safer driver or perhaps a total psychotic nightmare on the road? What do you, what do you, as a drive, a lifetime driver, what do you think? That's a lifetime driver, first time caller. I would have to say that. If I fucking saw that, I would be looking straight up the whole fucking time. What the fuck? Who does that? Well, I guess China, but like, what's the, what was the research behind that? Have you ever seen Chinese research?

I haven't. It's not the best. Kind of just eyeball it. And their eyeballing is not great, as you could also imagine. Well, based on all these lights in the fucking sky, Jesus, at a Skrillex show going down the freeway. Uh, here's, uh, I've got some hoes are mad about, uh, sex doll.

Oh. Or do you want to do Disneyland swingers? Those both sound pretty tasty, right? Pretty. Pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good. All right.

Let's do, uh, Pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good. Alright, let's do Disneyland Swingers. Is it with the fat Disney princesses? No, they're remarkably... You know, when women date or are married to gay men, I find that they stay more attractive. This is something that if you're listening, you'll also see in life. It's when women who are dating straight men

tend to balloon up, almost out of spite. But when women date and marry gay men who may not necessarily know that they're gay, they tend to stay fit and trim. It's something in their psychology. Yeah, I'm looking up at the screen now and I'm like, oh, I mean, I'll see what you're getting at. And you can immediately see that this gentleman is homosexual, right?

He is enjoying his time quite a bit at Disneyland. Okay, here, let's hear about Disneyland swingers. Boyfriend, know that we meet a lot of our friends online these days. We have made a ton of friends in the Disney community, a majority of which we have met on Swingers Upon Maine. This is an app for swingers by swingers, swingers that love Disney. Absolutely.

We love to swing all over Walt Disney World Resort. The Grand Floridian. Main Street, USA. Wow. Cinderella's Castle. Space Mountain. And people love to drink around the world. Well, how about swinging around the world?

It's our favorite. Swing upon Maine has Disney lovers from all over the world. She's nuzzling him like she's on Molly during this shoot. He's got some lightsabers. Oh, man. She's got too much ginger representation. They're funny. What the fuck? Oh man. She's got too much ginger representation. They're fine.

What the fuck? Fuck me where Luke was training with that little robot. Yeah. Where was the furry guy yet? Tangle me up in those courts. Oh man, actually that'd be awesome. If I could fucking a big old waterbed full of just cables and stuff. There's so many sharp ends though, it's the problem. RCA, let's the problem.

RCA, let's say RCA. I don't mind. There's cables. Need something to stay away. Yeah, I need two. We don't just trade pins at Magic Kingdom. We trade partners. Oh!

Oh! You can download the app, swing upon main today, and maybe we'll see you there. Wow, all right. I don't know, probably a joke, but. I don't know, man. It's no joke how annoying that woman was. Seeing that made me want to just like, you know, I don't think I need any sort of entertainment

or media or any, I just, you know, I'm gonna go sit. Cause you don't want to accidentally like turn into a, like a, if that's what it all leads into, it's like, oh man, you know, I'm just going to go, I feel, I hear you. You can go sit under a tree all day. I hear you. Leaves. Let's see.

Someone got killed of lethal injection recently. Are they still doing that? I didn't know that. They got killed after finding a VHS copy or downloading a VHS copy of a Weevil injection. They made an anti-semitic joke in Florida. Let's see, lethal. I guess all my computers broken now. I suppose it's stuck. It's popping up with color palettes.

The extra mouse over there. Yeah. Vito and his fucking new mouse You see what we got he's just not here so it's so easy in this Alpha core Ricky ritardo helmet no fucking way cool that is rad to celebrate Alpha core It's the real thing it's the real deal Probably. Yeah. I think he was a pilot. I think he may have been based on that. Yeah. How it happened. He was retarded too. The guy who sent it in. It by gruesome minute from his last words, the horrifying spasm on his current spasm.

Maybe like throw death throw is not a death. Who wants a death spasm? It was just like a fucking. nuts spasm. He's like falling as he was like, huh? Yeah. You think they poke him? What do you think the, uh, you know, he's dead. Yeah. You gotta give him a poke. Even if the machine is like, I don't know, man. I see. How can you ever really know?

Can't you just have to fucking make sure they're dead, man? Uh, how America's first nitrogen... Oh, this was our first nitrogen gas execution? Oh, okay, so... So, we saw how amazing of shooting people and cutting their heads off and shit and electrocuting them had worked for hundreds of years. So we thought, ah, it's not humane enough. What we should do is slowly poison them with nitrogen gas for 30 minutes.

That's awesome. What could go wrong? Oh, that's horrible. Minute by gruesome minute, from his last words to the final horrifying spasm on the gurney, how America's first nitrogen gas execution saw a killer, Kenneth Smith thrash around while his wife wept during grizzly 22 minute death in Alabama prison.

Oh man. I think you can, I think, I think maybe you can tell your wife like you can leave after a couple of minutes. You don't have to stay for the whole execution. You don't have to like watch me like ride around and like shit myself. Like, well, I'm buying like right now.

Don't do that. Just like say goodbye. Do the hand thing. And then like just get out of there. Just like flick a cigarette and walk away. And you know, Uh, wow. That's a, well, you guys really messed that one up. And they're like his dinner at Norm's right beforehand really didn't ate in that. Like, I hate that last meal.

Shit. Yeah. Oh, it's actually Waffle House. Oh, yeah. That's a good last meal. Let me see. Waffle House after a last meal of Waffle House. It's like fucking with them.

Yeah. Right. Here's your, here's the cheapest food we can get you. Also here's like a half hour death. Yeah. We're going to kill you. We've been keeping you in a here's like a half hour death. Yeah. Stupid. We're going to kill you. We've been keeping you in a cage with like a bunch of other people, kind of on the whims

of like judges and how much money they have and not all of them. Jokes on you. Yeah. But what do you want to eat? What do you want to eat? If you could have anything the one time, they can actually follow through with that. If you could have any one thing right now. Yeah. Yeah. It's like these people created the idea of a devil. Right. That fucks with

you and tempts you. Right. People are like, okay, well, you know, you raped all those kids and killed people and tortured them. But what do you think about just one last of nice little meal? Just taking eggs, man. We're going to Waffle House. It's all good, man. Like what the fuck. It's funny. It'll be good advertising for them. Everyone loves it. Everyone loves Waffle House. Yeah, what the fuck? It's funny, you'll be good advertising for them. Everyone loves it. Everyone loves a waffle house? Yeah. Okay, well, that's too bad.

Let's see here. Okay, here's a woman talking about... Woman of alert. Woman of alert. Did you know I had that sound effect? I fucking... Man, all these new drugs. Did you know I had that sound effect? I fuckin' Man, all these new drops are great. A few months ago, Columbia Heights residents were asked about rampant drop.

That fucker Sean is saying that it's not crimeer in LA now. It's crimeer as shit! Did you drive? Sean not live in LA? What the fuck? I don't know. I looked it up afterwards too. And it's like theft is like, whoa. Sean just kind of like, he leaves the house and despawns.

He parks in a garage and he just gets out there and walks inside. He plugs himself in. Plugs himself in. Rampant shoplifting problem at the local CVS. Residents sided with the loaders. Okay. CVS just announced it's permanently shutting down this store next month.

Okay. Let's see what the, let's see what the residents said about the looting. Do at the same time, they're probably doing it for a reason. They need those things, but they shouldn't just be going in and clearing the shelves because this is sustainable for the store. A lot of folks actually can't afford any of the things in there. I'm not saying that ceiling has to be the solution to that, right? However, I don't know, maybe if the city could provide more access for resources to unhoused or unincome folks

that can provide them like hair care, bodily care, hygiene care, et cetera, that could be an option. I'm stuck, I mean, it's bad to do at the same time, they're probably doing it for a reason. They're probably stealing, they're not stealing soap. I think soap's free. If you go to like McDonald's, you can just go sit in the bathroom and do soap all day.

I've never heard of somebody getting arrested for using too much soap. Doing soap in the McDonald's bathroom. If you knock on the door nicely at any house or apartment and ask for some soap, you'll get it. You'll get a big bar that'll last you. I've used soap for like a month. I think if anyone asked me for soap, I would say get the fuck away from me.

Don't ask me. I think you would give it to him. I would give it to him, but I would say get the fuck away. I would still like that's fine. You have to like, that's, that's your, the payment is I have to be like, getting away from me. Yeah. Both getting away from me and me being just like a little bit rude about it. Yeah. Um, I'll still help you. I just want to be like, are you fucking free right now? Okay. Let me see what else I have here. Homeless tunnels. The homeless built tunnels under LA. Wow.

That's cool. The homeless. Maybe, uh, maybe those Jews could hire them for tunneling. Cheap labor. Not cheap enough. It's the problem. Let's see here. Get arrested for joking in a group chat. Yeah, they arrested this kid for here.

I'll put that one out. For being a little too funny. For joking about, for saying, be okay going to the airport to bomb a plane on like encrypted Snapchat group chat with his friends. Jesus. A teenager said in Snapchat, on my way to blow up the plane.

Parentheses, I'm a member of the Taliban. So, because he was plugged into the airport Wi-Fi, they arrested him and they scrambled like their army jets. That's fucking crazy. Cause he said in parentheses, I'm a member of the Taliban. And now he's got to pay 120 grand cause they blew all the jet fuel circling the jets, I guess.

That's Isn't that great? That's like when Vito picks a fight or like says something stupid on Twitter and he's like, I can't believe everyone came after me for all these things. It's like, what? Yeah.

Well, you said you hit post. So like, I don't know. Everything's just downloading now. Nothing works. Thank you. Vito second mouse. Vito second mouse. Come on man. Let me see if that fixed it. It did not. It did not fix it. Okay. Well, that's fucking crazy. But why would you eat like Why I say it I remember I feel like that kind of Instead of saying I guess you have to just say just joking all the time. I guess so yeah, and I go blow up this plane

Just joking. It's joking. Hey, honey. I love you. I'm just joking You're gonna tell everyone I house Dylan's burger Just joking. All right, let's read some comments That's a big ass fucking light bulb. Thanks. Thanks. It's nice of you to notice. I've been working on it.

What women will do? Okay, let's see what that says. What women will do? Oh, I don't want to read that one yet. Hey, Nick. I may, uh, Indian guys pooping. Hey, don't mention my name if this gets read. On the last episode, you guys were talking about street pooping early on and how they don't bring that here.

Indians. Give it time. Canada has brought in so many Indians in the past few years. There are signs on public benches about where to take a dump. My company has signs... Oh, oh, sorry. Public beaches. My company has signs in the bathroom on how to use a toilet. Wow. What kind of company are you working at? Shit. Hospital. Plenty of news articles, Google away, Poop Beach Canada.

Okay. Let's see here. Poop Beach Canada. You know, Poop Beach Canada, I think, I had reservations there next month. Did you really? Wow, that's crazy. My fuck, none of my keyboard works anymore.

None of the letters, god damn it. Those Tim Tams are gone. Those Tim Tams are gone. Upset the balance in this room. Nothing, it's all fucked up. Ugh. Jesus. How the fuck am I supposed to do this show if I can't type?

Man, I didn't even spill anything on it. Yeah, not today. Come on. It is one of Vito's mice, I bet. It has to be. Fucker. Fucking Vito's mousetrap. Yeah, a new window. Maybe this will work. Okay, that works.

Come on down to poop beach. It's right next to Pee River. Peech. Canada. Uh, I don't really see that much on poop beach Canada, dude. I think that guy just wanted you to type in poop beach Canada on your fucking Google history. Well, this is a nine month old post on Reddit saying people are pooping on the beach in Ontario, small towns. Okay. All right. Link me a story next. I think a real story. Yeah. That's no different than fucking Santa Monica. White night, pediatrician. Hey, Dick, my wife listens to the show. So call me Phil. I took my kids to the pediatrician for the first time for their annual checkup.

Typically, my wife takes them, okay? We get there and sit in the waiting room. The first sign of trouble comes in the form of a bunch of Harry Potter posters and memorabilia on display. But I shrug it off thinking it's for kids. Oh, that's a big mistake that you just made, sir. We get to the room and nurse, C cup stows her thing. Everything is normal.

Then she calls the doctor who I've never met. The doctor is a woman in her 40s, A cups wearing a Harry Potter T-shirt with earrings with the deathly hollows symbol on them. The exam goes well and then she looks at a sheet on the clipboard that has questions. We go through the list of what seems like a typical question to find out if there are any health issues.

Then she looks up at me and asks two more questions that were clearly not on the list. First, she asks if I keep any firearms in the house. It's worth noting that I was wearing my camo hunting jacket. I, this guy's going to the doctor with a camo hunting jacket on. Keep guns in the house. No

like Was that the only jacket that you had to go To the doctor with your kids with you know, I just gotta go to the doctor and you know Make a little make my statement at the doctor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Everyone know Where else do you wear your camo hunting jacket at? Are you on your way to go back to work at the military? Like what's going on?

Okay. She asked if I kept any firearms in the house. It's worth noting that I was wearing my camo. I answered that it's not her business and I don't really appreciate the question. Was he also being detained too? So I get about eight pamphlets from mom's demand action in every town and a lecture about how to store weapons for safekeeping.

Oh, like doctors, doctors kill more people than guns, I think, accidents. Is that true? Do doctor accidents kill more? Let's see. Medical mistakes. Oh, I think the news girl's here. Medical mistakes, mistake, I think the news girl's here medical mistakes

mistake deaths per year Okay over 250,000 people Okay accidental gun deaths per year 492 people intentionally unintentionally died by a gun over here. Okay, so you... Doctors are the problem.

Doctors kill about, what, 2000? What's that? Yeah, 2001. Yeah, 500 more people than... So doctors are more dangerous than guns when it comes to making mistakes. That's why I always use my gut and never go to the doctor. At this point, I'm thinking about writing

a shitty doctor review online. No, don't do that. That I'll likely never follow through with. Then the final question, have you been taking your wife out on dates? If so, how often? Clearly, we do not like each other, so I figured I could make a joke to laugh it off.

I responded saying with a smile on my face and clearly joking that just because of that question, I'm canceling our date this weekend, both we both laughed and move on. Later that evening at dinner my wife gets a call from the doctor's office. The doctor called my wife to find out if she was in an abusive relationship. So my wife listens to this show. Don't use my name, but here's this very hyper specific story that she's inevitably just going to fucking rail me for. And needs help. The doctor called and asked if she wanted an angel shot. I haven't told

her about the appointment, but she was pissed off at the doctor and apparently told her off. She comes back to the table and lets me know that we will be finding a new pediatrician. Two days later, my sister-in-law, who works for Child and Family Services, got a request to investigate our address from the doctor's office. What the fuck, dude? Whoa.

Wow! Luckily, she was able to head that off before one of the retarded 24 year old social workers was sent out. Guys keep an eye out for Disney and Harry Potter women. Wow! Woman of alert. Woman of alert. That's fucked.

That's fucked. All because you wore a camo jacket. Okay, stop wearing the camo jacket to places where women are. Just stop doing it and you will stop all this trouble that you're having or keep doing it. I don't care, but I'm just letting you know. Well, double down. Don't like soft ball of joke.

Just like, you know, he can be like, oh, you know, like here's my camo jacket, but ha, ha, I'm kind of, it's like, no, you have to, if you're going to rock that, you have to double down. Just go get the polarized fucking Oakley's, get the Bluetooth, you got to go, you do the whole thing. Under armor, totally.

New balance. Keep an eye out. If you read this, please say sorry to my wife. She listens to the show, say something to help smooth this over. I think I was supposed to be. Why the fuck would you? If you bolded that part,

instead of italicizing it, if it was italics, I would I was supposed to be, I guess he bolded that part instead of italicizing it. If it was italics, I would have read it to myself. He's like, Hey, don't make this worse for me by reading it, but also like, you know, could you swing the deal? Can you imagine that? You keep any guns in the house? Yeah. No, I just think I'm hunting with, he should have been like, yeah yeah and then ripped his sleeves off and started flexing that's like the fucking I Don't know like what we got all day to call like CPS on all these people saying yeah, I storing guns honey You're how many people are you killing every year?

Statistically five times as many or whatever What is what is the numbers on that? 500 to 250,000 I don't know. I'm not any good at math anymore. I may have dropped out before I got my degree One two five hundred yeah 500 times more likely Got another woman alert here Woman alert.

Woman alert. It's funnier every time. It's like, I think that's why I like Vito's Twitter so much is because the more I hear it, it's like, oh, yeah. A woman was arrested after police found $250,000 worth of Stanley cups in her car, Johnny. The Stanley quenches are all the rage. Look at all that, Led. We strongly advise against turning to crime to fulfill your hydration habits.

Policemen said, look at all these. Finally, it's finally one of these cop, like, bust things that I can get behind. Oh my God. This woman had, what is this? One, two, three, four, five, ten, 20, 34, about 50 Stanley water bottles that she'd ripped off. Wow. That's like, man. See, it's reusable cups because you can keep reusing all those too.

Yeah. Lifetime guarantee. Who needs one when you could have that many reusable cups? Look at, they're all look the same too. It's all blue and shit. Yeah. I thought they're supposed to be like limited edition cool ones. Yeah.

The craze for Stanley drinking cups has reached new levels last week when a woman was arrested for stealing 65 of them. Wow. They're really a frenzy for these cups. Just in my Stanley cup. Staff saw a woman take a shopping cart full of Stanley water bottles without paying for them. She refused to stop.

The problem I have with that is, do you know how fucking long it takes to resell anything? Just with people wasting your fucking time, like to try and take all those and then like, you know, I'm gonna really cash in on this. Yeah. I'm gonna sell these on eBay. Yeah, and give them all your refunded. And give them all your refunded fucking taken from eBay's fee.

Like what the, what a fucking waste of time. Okay, here's another one woman alert woman alert Here's a woman at the gym. What do you think of this one? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Uh-oh, oh I can already see what's gonna happen See this poor guy doing dumbbell bench press here You see him poor son of? Poor son of a bitch. Oh, I'll turn it down. Okay. Oh, she's gonna squeeze through. Oh, look at that.

She can try to squeeze that thing through. How you doing? Okay. He's doing this guy's doing dumbbell presses on a bench with some heavy weight. Those are like 70 pound dumbbells. And a woman who is shaped like a dumbbell is trying to, is thinks she's gonna, she's gonna squeeze through while he's on the outstretch of his dumbbell press. That she's got enough time to squeeze her fat ass through the gap between between his arms and the machine next and the bench press next to him. Here it goes. Let me just fit right through. Oh, geez. Oh, God.

Wow. Here it is again. Here she goes. Oh, yeah, let me just ah come on man Oh, I'm so surprised that that happened. Oh, geez. I couldn't have felt good getting a fucking weight dropped on your shoulder As you're walking through like why would you do that? Good question cuz like like play it again, and he likes just straight like falls on like the backside of her ribs again and he like just straight like falls on like the backside of her ribs See right there like just taking that yeah, what did she think he was gonna do just hold it there I he's not gonna hit me like a holding a door open After you this isn't real life. I will suffer no repercussions for my yeah, nothing's gonna happen to me happens to me

That happens that only happens to people being filmed Here's only cameras everywhere I'm a catfish with no front teeth, but I changed my whole look and makeup. I want other women to feel empowered when they see me. How the fuck is that gonna make other women feel empowered? Being a fucking catfish, faking out guys. Like a more attractive woman. Oh! So this is what she looks like beforehand.

She looks like a mix. She looks like a Fratellis. She looks like the bad- That's my Fr Fratellis. She looks like the bad. That's my Fratelli right there. Yeah. That's her sister. It's her mom. Other mom. It's grandma Fratelli. Got a bit of a cross-size situation. She looks like WC fields. Got his front teeth knocked out. Right. Yeah. We got a fatty arbuckle over here.

It looks like heel versus baby face. She's a lady allegedly. The pronouns guy. Oh, the guy. What a fucking idiot. Can you believe that guy? Jesus fucking Christ. Screaming about video games.

Fucking nerd. All right. Okay. That's what she looks like. She looks like a baby face. She looks like a baby face. She looks like a baby face. She looks like a baby face. idiot. Can you believe that guy? Jesus fucking Christ. Screaming about video games. Fucking nerd. All right. Okay. That's what she looks like before. So there you go. All right. So she's doing catfishing to empower women. Okay. Here's the after. Okay. That's a, I mean, look, if anything, she's got a great career and special effects, Mako.

Like there's like- Where did the nose ring come from? Why was that added? Well, that's what I'm saying. It's like- Yeah. It's very densely applied, but you know, you could tell.

Yeah, I don't know. I think- Maybe it's advertising for like, see, like here's my service I can provide, you know. Oh yeah, okay. There's always money somewhere in this. Yeah, I get it. I've seen Asian girls do more with less, to be honest.

Surprisingly, the self-taught makeup artist. Oh, was she? That's incredible. You taught her how to do her hair like that in every other woman in the South. Shoes is not to wear makeup in her day-to-day life, just using sunscreen and moisturizer. And only does her makeup for special occasions or when she creates videos. She said, I started playing with makeup when I was about 25.

I was just watching hours and hours of YouTube and I practiced, I'm still learning though. I get a lot of positive feedback online, which is amazing. There's also some negative feedback. You don't say What's the ratio on the yeah wait hold on negative feedback? I'm not familiar with this You mean to tell me if you post anything online. There's negative feedback. Ah, there you go Okay I got some advice who we're supposed to have a There's negative feedback. There you go. Okay. I got some advice too. We were supposed to have a...

We were supposed to have a... a guest here today, but... Hmm. As it happens... You had me. You got me. Isn't that much worse? Bad news, Johnny, man. Shockingly, we might have got a waged amp again, Johnny. It's bad news, Johnny, man. Shockingly, we might have got Waged Gap again.

I guess if she's not here, we could do, you know, before she gets here. Batwatch, today in Bat News. I don't like doing fatwatch with new women, but I know that's one of your favorite things. Batwatch is the fucking... Ah, every week. Yeah. Here is John Connolly with something he sent me in. Let's see what this is.

Oops. Oh. I'm obese and I refuse to give up my second seat on a plane for a toddler. Someone tried to feed her a toddler and she still wouldn't give up the seat. Jesus. It can sit with me but it's got a man sign of me.

A woman has faced criticism online after revealing she refused to give up the second plane seat she had bought so that a fussy toddler could sit next to his mom. Well, to be fair, I wouldn't own one kid sitting next to me. Man, that's bad mothering. You should not sit a toddler next to a fat woman. You should be sitting next to the fat woman like a barrier. Cause she, by the time she gets halfway through eating you, you could tell the toddler, go find the captain.

Quick, hell yeah. They're still hope for you. Go find one of the drag queens that are serving drinks on this flight and get out of here. Well, the good parenting is you feed your kids so much Benadryl that they don't wake up. They'll have the vacations over and then put them over your shoulder. Exactly. Carrying the front pouch. The 34 year old passenger said she had booked

two seats due to previous experiences of being uncomfortable in one. However, things didn't pan out like she'd imagined. I wonder how she'd imagined that they would have gone. It's not that I'm uncomfortable in my body. It's that there's one, two, few airline seats in my, it didn't pan out as she imagined when a mom told her to squeeze into one seat so her child could sit in the other. Hmm. Like a squeeze in like a Kool-Aid Jammer. She told me not asked.

I'm 34. I 34 F MO M. Obese. Is this like Spartacus for fat people? No, I'm 34 f and obese. What the f? M. Obese. I'm actively working towards losing weight. Oh, fuck off. Oh my God. I'm actively working towards losing weight.

We know, we know, we know. All of you are, we fucking know. We fucking know. I sympathize with you because I can go out and people don't know I'm drunk. So I don't have to say shit like I'm trying to cut back because everyone always knows exactly how much I've had to drink that week,

but we all know how much you had to eat today just by looking at you. Just stop saying it. I get it. I would probably do the same thing. I'm trying to eat today. Just by looking at you. Just stop saying it. I get it. I would probably do the same thing. I'm trying to cut back. I'm trying to cut. If I turn different colors

based on how much I had to drink this week, I would probably do that. Right. You don't have to. Stop. It's like lemmy from Motorhead being like, I'm cutting back on speed. Yeah, come on, man.

You need to tell us, man. I'm actively working. They're adding new words on that too. It used to be just I'm working on, I'm losing weight. It used to be I'm losing weight. I'm working on losing weight. I'm actively working on losing weight. I'm procuring a process to actively identify with myself, working to lose weight.

Now would you leave me the fuck alone? No, we won't because you're stealing seeds from kids. Yeah. Don't you see this one gallon jug of this like mystery powder and syrup water I mixed for myself with fruit pieces in it. See how healthy I'm being. I'm on the scale. No. Not until I'm, not until I'm ready, not until you don't want, not until you can look at me and not want me to get on a scale. I'll get on scale. Yeah. Hmm. I'm get on a scale. Right? Yeah.

What the hell? I'm actively working towards losing weight and I've made progress. Oh, fucking stop. Stop. In the spirit of Sean, maybe you should stop spending so much time finding it. Unbelievable. I'm finding it unbelievable. I've made progress, but I'm still obese as I'm typing this. Spell check is working overtime. You know, I thought by the end of the sentence,

a few pounds would have, you know. I'm still obese as I'm typing. Turns out. Gentlemen, as I stand here before you today, I'm still obese. That spell that that guy cast on me did not work. The anonymous woman began her thread on an advice form. How's she anonymous? Because I'm fat, I booked an extra seat so everybody could be more comfortable.

I know it sucks having to pay for an extra seat, but it is what it is. Who was sympathizing with you for that? You fat fucks have ruined basically every sporting event that I've been to in the last 15 years, because you're not buying extra seats. Zero, because you should be buying two. You shouldn't be, it's not, one extra seat is not good enough.

You need two. I know it sucks buying an extra seat. Yeah, the extra hot dog subsets. No, it sucks when I buy a seat and get half a seat. That's what sucks. Yeah, that's when I spend fucking 200 bucks on a seat and get half a seat. That's what sucks Yeah, that's what's when I spend fucking 200 bucks on a seat and I get fucking marshmallow elbow Yeah, they're just like like man. Are you getting off on this what? Fucking little bit. I'm having a rotator cuff injury. You're aggravating my rotator cuff injury by just existing.

I can feel your sweat on through my shirt now. Everything goes smoothly from checking into security and boarding. At least at first, this woman comes into my row with a boy who is who appeared to be about a year old. And I thought, delicious. Finally, some good food in this or that fucking Gordon. to be about a year old. And I thought, delicious. Finally, some good food in this or that fucking Gordon. She told me to squeeze into one seat. So her son could sit into the other.

Man, I want a version of the story where it was he yelled at me. Hey, you pig. Yeah. You know, she told me to squeeze into one seat. So her son could fit into the other. She told me not asked. I told her no, that I paid for this seed in the extra space. I don't even believe this story, really. The mom, wait, did the mom not buy a seed for her kid

because they're small? I don't know. Huh. The mom made a big fuss over it. The op got the flight attendant involved. Op. But she didn't take her side and asked her to squeeze into the seat as well. I said no.

I wanted the seat that I paid for. I paid for this seat. I get to eat it too. Does she have to wear both seat cushions in a case of a water li- Like how does that work? What are the mechanics of that? No, they have two things you have to listen to now. Oh, fuck.

The one thing we've been listening to, the same fucking retarded speech for our whole lives, that's only for, that's to nobody. There's been maybe one person in the history of the world that heard that airline speech of how to buckle your seatbelt and what to do if oxygen masks fall and I thought, oh wow, huh, that's interesting. I didn't know all that.

Everybody else, all the millions of people who heard it said, fucking stop. Stop smiling like you're going through it. Now we've got two. I'm sure you buckle and here's the thing. Now for our fat people version of that speech, okay. Here's how you buckle your seat belt extender. You put the big end as little

and then take that other one across your fat stomach. It rolls out like a fucking hefty bag. Like a ratchet strap. Here's how you work a ratchet strap. You put this in, make sure you have this button down, send it at 180 degrees, put it in and loop it through. It's not just the seat though. You need fucking life vest and other shit that size. Cause that's like your oxygen mask and put the oxygen mask on the fall.

Yeah. Put one cushion on each arm. I will illuminate and that doesn't matter to you because you can't get up. You will be used as a flotation device for other passengers. You will be at the bottom of the ocean watching these lights still being powered by some miracle while you. If somebody screams, hey, it's Moby Dick. Don't be distracted and still proceed to the exit.

They're talking about you. If James Cameron shows up in his little C lab thing. I got dirty looks. So the flight attendant eventually told the mom to put her son in your lap. I got dirty looks and passive aggressive remarks from her for the entire flight. I do feel a little bad because the boy looked hard to control. Am I on the wrong here? Yeah. Obviously. How does this end up on the New York Post? They do anything.

Jesus. It's probably an ad for fat people to fly because they're saying like the airline agreed with her. That actually does give incentive for fat people to fly because now you can bully children. Yeah. That's a plus. Yeah, because they're saying like,

here's a real story of how airlines will let you keep your two seats. Yeah, bully children. That's always cool. Here's, this one's from Camelot. Wow. Let's see here. Hello. Oh, hello. Yes, I can. Extended warranty. Oh, did you? Oh, yeah, come, uh, it's a little blue house. It's not gonna the door will, uh, not gonna every house. Uh, there's parking in the street. There's probably in front of, did you park in front of my house Johnny? By it, yeah. By it or in front of, did you park in the gravel? No, I parked it down. Yeah, you can park in front of my fence or anywhere in the street. There's a lot of it.

Just drive through the fence. Okay. Yeah, great. Thank you. Once you get through, just lay on the gap. Okay. Not wage capped after all. Oh, spark plug gap. Zarka is still the latest guest that's ever been on the that's unfortunate.

This is Camelot sent this in. What are you doing? Oh, you're a head. I'm doing my job. See everybody. I do know how to do my job. Thank you. Just this once though. I'm doing my job. See everybody. I do know how to do my job. Thank you. This one's

though. I might be too drunk. I've got these dead cowboy loggers that Keon brought over. We never got to the homeless tunnels. Maybe we'll review that. Let's just look let's sneak this in, this fat watch in real quick. This is sent in by Camelot. He says, this gives a whole new meaning to tailgating. Oh, geez. To be about a 600 pound woman being towed behind a,

Jesus fucking. A Chevy Silverado. Her, her little mobility scooter hitched onto the back. It's drifting. The fucking tires are going to blow the fuck out. Yeah. Holy shit.

These are the strongest tires on earth. Fucking. Attached to this. They're just pneumatic tires. Just fucking solid rubber. She's looking, she's looking over. Oh. Oh.

He dragged, the Silverado dragged the mobility scooter up the driveway. Whoa! Wow! Dragged it up. Oh my goodness. God damn. Look, when it comes around the corner, it's like the Tokyo Drift song should start playing. God damn. You just hear getting exhaust pumped just a whole time. Is truck owner AIDS a woman in a wheelchair? That's how they phrase this.

Truck owner AIDS. Can I sign up for this? Do they need more truck owners to aid these women? He has AIDS. She is the... Sign me up. Oh, they almost lost her. She almost tipped over.

Like when they drop a boat off a sluice and it goes into water Whoa, all right, and you're like, oh god. It's gonna tip. Oh fuck. Yeah, someone forgot to break the bottle on her Where's our good luck charm Okay Hey go oh my god, I think I might have something about somebody washing their ass. Oh. I don't know. You better wash your ass.

Well, some people can't, you know. I bet you didn't know that. You know. I bet you could tell. I could tell. Somehow you had a sense of people not washing their ass. I could tell if they're, yeah. That's fucking crazy.

To put your life in someone else's hands, like, ah, you know, there's snow on the ground, traction's pretty shitty, like all these things. Just fucking, you know what, let me give it a rip. Wash. I don't know what I did with the wash your ass. Thanks, sycophallus. Jesus. This woman's got a series on fitting in restaurant chairs.

A series on fitting in the, you know what? They're going to start having to put like, you know how at like universal or like Disneyland, they have like the sample ride car out front. So you could see if you're too like- You have to put that at Denny's. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a booth out front that you have to see if your fat ass can get in at first. And then if you can, then you don't have to waste your time waiting in line for like a half hour only to find that you can't get in it. Now you can just know right away. Yeah. Like, ah, it's not comfortable. This isn't for me. That's it. We're going to Roadhouse Grill. Just give them grades. You know, this is a like six XL restaurant. Infinite fat and above. Yeah. Come on in. Okay.

This is if this is a woman stocking shelves at a liquor store. It looks like already loving how this is going. It's okay. This is, it seems to be a Chris Farley bit. I think instead now, instead of moving the ladder, she's going to jump the ladder, which you should not do. Everyone knows everyone's such an expert on things. You know, I do this every day. Yeah Just go down the two more steps and drag the ladder You don't need to be hopping it around like a pogo stick. Yep. Well, she's gonna try it and

We got any predictions Johnny? I don't know where this ladder was made My prediction is it's gonna she's gonna make a couple hops back and she's gonna continue about her job and it's gonna be, that's gonna be it. It's gonna be an inspiring video about working hard and smart. Okay. All right, let's see. Hop two, hop three, hop four. Oh, God! I can't claim to have known everything. And she's down. Jesus. It's time for the count. She's folded up in that ladder like fucking Peter Griffin like Jesus fucking Christ.

Three, four. Oh, that's it. Oh God. Oh, like a horse that buckled. Fuck. That's why would that happen? Well, so that'sled. Fuck. Wow. Why would that happen? Well, so that's- It's like so much fat phobia.

When your boss comes out and goes, what happened? You can't just go, oh, I was standing on the ladder. Standing on the ladder. I don't know. And then it fucking fell apart. You were testing the fucking great American steel, all right then. Jesus.

Fuck. Okay, I'll wait for Madison to get here. I got some advice questions. That's so fucking funny. Isn't it? Jesus Christ. What do you think she thought when she landed on the linoleum? I'm sure it couldn't have been boy. I really wish I didn't do that on camera.

Sorry to say that you did. Another silly day at the office. Ha ha ha. Like, what the fuck? Doodly doodly dood. Man, I still can't believe it. Sean just, no joke for him. What do you mean?

Just for his absence. I've been, so ever since I started coming on here, I've been like, you know, I got a text, Sean. Yeah, still haven't. You text him. I don't know. Just like, how's it going? I was just going to text him and be like, hey, every time I come in and touch something, you get mad at me. I'm going to come in and not touch something this time.

Okay. So please don't be mad at me. But you touch something every time. So then I don't text him. Why would I text him and tell him I didn't touch something when he's going to come back and be like, what the fuck? That makes sense. Someone was in my chair. God damn it.

I've been playing with my buttons. Someone turned this knob up fucking three degrees. What the fuck? Follow up advice. This guy has new follow-up. Hi, it's Bartholomew von whatever. I said my name was last time. I have an update for you and Sean since I last wrote I told this girl who's he's a big fat guy and he was Deciding whether or not he should date a big fat girl at work with him

He's way too horny Don't be right in fucking horny emails. Yeah. Last I wrote, I told that girl I can't take her home because the ice was too bad. And her family that works at the same place were still there. And since then she's been working by me, but keeping the conversation casual with the fuck me eyes still visually present to everyone I work with. So people are now giving me shit because they've caught on. Because they want them to fuck. Everybody wants them to, if

he's getting pressured. You guys are fucking two tubs fucking shit. Yeah. Why don't you go smash it out? Why don't you go? Yeah. Go take her off our hands. That's the, right? That's the undercurrent that's happening there. I said 245, I said 245 pounds because she told me she was 225. So I added 20 pounds extra off of your advice from years ago. On top of that, she constantly flirts with multiple other guys who also don't want to fuck her. Sometimes, you know, you just kind of look at like what the common denominator is and

things. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I forgot to mention the last time I wrote in, we get into conversations and it's somehow that somehow lead to her talking about fisting Along with the obvious hints. She has dropped that one was the one that scared me when it comes to kinks, I don't have any interest in using someone as a hand puppet. I mean Nothing better than like, oh, oh, it's like a sticker or a little like treasure chest or something like a turkey.

Oh yeah. The duck and the chicken for like the whole turduck and build, you know. Maybe she's got a smaller woman in there. Oh, it's like, yeah. Pull out. Like the fucking rhino suit in a Ace Ventura. Now that you know the real me, it's like, oh, son of a bitch. You're in Ace Ventura too. I remember that scene.

I get it. Yeah. Ruin the whole movie. I started working at the, that's like something Vito would put in a movie. Yeah. Wow. It was funny. It's funny. You know, it's a rhino crawls out the butt. It's like a mechanical rhino. Vito's treatment. I gotta let you read that next time before you come on. I'll let you read

it. Oh my God, please. Then you tell everyone what you think. I started working at the company to get in better shape and join the military. Oh. Okay. But after spending my whole life not having women interested in me, one being very clear of their intentions with me is a nice confidence boost, but it's very uncomfortable, especially since she's 26 and I'm 22. Your whole life.

You're also right with viewing myself as a fat monster. I still do look in the mirror and see muscles, and I still do look in the mirror and see muscles, but only see fat. My goal is to make it down to 280 by May, so I can join the military. I think he wants to join the military so he can eat McDonald's every day.

Maybe so. Once again, feel free to read this on the show. If you would like, and thanks for reading the last one. Okay. Wait. So that guy should put some stakes on it. If he can get to 280 by May, right? Yeah. Wherever he's at, it should be a race between him and Vito now. Oh, Vito's not losing me weight ever. I'm just finding extra ways to bully him into actually stepping on the scale. I know he's gonna, I know he's gonna KFC double down

and not, but I think fucking, you know, I think enough peer pressure from people who love and care about his health and well being. No, he's got, he's totally immune to all that shit. Oh, you didn't see the smarmy-ness in my face too. Well, I said, yeah I don't know. I think the Teasing him with magic cards is gonna do it make a funko pop of him

Yeah, and every time he comes in have put a little extra little polymer clay on it make it fatter and fatter And every time he loses weight shave it down a little bit, but then eventually when he sees this reflection of himself Like a painting of him, put a little bit extra on. Make the cheeks bigger each week. Just like a little, All right. Well, shall we get into some news? Well, we're fucking waiting. What's going on? You know, we're waiting for a-

I've secretly been reading- Can we can pause? Every week I'm here, I read through one page in this mushroom book. Is that Sean's? It must be. Who else could it be? It's over there. I don't know.

Who else could it be? Not who else could it be? I don't know. Clearly haven't had enough to drink to there. No, you're right about that. I'm starting to get the shakes. Water's making me sick. You want something to drink?

Take a break, get something to drink. We can't take a break. Before our shakes get, we can. Before we're sitting here like, so anyway, I realized today that I'm like spilling like Coke all over everything. Oh, soda. The soda, not the, not the life enhancing non-soda.

Yeah. Well, I mean, what's there even to know about the news anyway? Who fucking pays? What do we do? The funniest part of this bed. Yeah. There is nothing to know. Yeah. And then people go, wow, how come there's no girls on the show? Well, because...

I wonder why, yeah. It's... Couldn't be everyone in the audience. I said, all right, newscrew coming in tomorrow and somebody on Twitter goes, Oh, I always like seeing who responds to the Craigslist ad. I said, block. What are you thinking, man?

Like I, I don't care about feedback at all. I definitely don't care about feedback that's fucking with me doing the show. You can't like, idiot. It's when people who weren't familiar with like the whole thing. You can't just like right away off rip, here's what it is. You gotta like, it's like a funny thing. It's just all you gotta do is come in and read the news.

No. But you gotta come in. That's the... That's the... Should we do our problems after the guests? No, after the guests we gotta... No, I'm just... I'm gonna go to sleep. No, what was the fucking...

What was the biggest problem? I think Zerka came in at like 2, 230. Jesus. Something like that. What are you doing, man? Goddamn. You see Ralph on Boogie and Wings have a show. All right, did you know about that? I've heard about it.

I haven't watched it. It's called the Lowell Cow Podcast. Amazing. And they're terrible. It's just the two cows podcast. Yeah. It's like... It's like

It's like something that your mom that your that someone's mom would say it's the lol cow podcast, right? It's not funny and they are not funny They're not funny intentionally and they spend the whole show talking about like how humble they are That's it. Okay. That's, see, okay, that sounds funny. Okay, now you've sold me. When nobody ever calls them on it, like Wings is talking about like some charity he does for buying like coloring books for little kids at a school.

It's like, what do you mean? Like you're raised like 200 bucks for notebooks for kids. Who gives a fuck about this? No, I wanna see see wings lose it on someone after he accuses them of fucking up on cod or some shit. You know, I want to see like funny stuff. Yeah. So Ralph calls into their show this week. Also, that sounds funny on its face too. I like the sound of that. 40 minutes long. Jesus. He says it's the most boring show that's ever like in the history of the world that both of them are terrible and that Wings is a pedophile. And then he's watching,

and he watched his child, that he's watched child porn. And then he makes them like explain how it is or isn't child porn. So. Man, Ralph was like, he was like the giant polarizer. He just, man.

So then Wings quits the show. Okay. So that's funny. He's so sick of the pedophile. He's, she's so sick of being called the pedophile. This is a guy who, the day Maddox's video came out. He's like on the show like, well, I'm, I'm on Maddox's side. Like thinking he's going to be a internet blood sports guy now.

That's the whole thing with the whole blood sports thing was like, it's just like you start yelling who's a pedophile. You're a pedophile. No, you are. No, you are. And whoever like is like, what? And it's like, he's like, stops yelling outward. Yeah.

It's like the loose. It's just like obvious. It's like we're sitting in a video game lobby, but in probably it's just like, that's all it's supposed to be really. It's like, but it's like, it's over. The fact that it's affecting him like that. It shouldn't be on the internet. Yeah. Um, what are you doing? Or maybe he's a pedophile. I don't know.

He's got to be. He's trying to explain himself. See that. Yeah. Fucking. It's gotta be. He's not calling explain himself. See that? Yeah. Fucking. It's got to be. He's got to be. He's not calling in right now to refute it. Right? Still. But so that's what makes it funny about Ralph going on and kind of bringing back the whole blood sports thing. Cause it's like, at least there's like some sort of vitriol there. I can't recall a single moment where like someone's like oh

Ralph's here. Maybe we could have a caller. Do I have any callers? Do we have a caller? Who's on? Probably not. Who's on? In the test. Oh Eddie teaches. I know he wanted to call in for something. Eddie teaches. What does Eddie teach? So we got a new a new a new room where I should be able to like let everyone talk. Are you there Eddie? Hello what's up guys? What's up man? How you doing? I forget why you wanted to call in. Life is good. Life is good. I guess as a reminder I'm the guy who did the Winner's Drink app. Oh yeah. Yeah I remember that. Alright. Winner's drink man. Yeah. you wanted to plug something didn't you I?

Do I've got a new app that I'm officially announcing here, okay? So it's called all for one and basically what it is is once a month I bury something somewhere in the United States It could be anywhere okay not Alaska. It's not Alaska if you find it you win ten thousand dollars Is it child pornography? It is not child pornography It's not Alaska. If you find it, you win $10,000. Is it child pornography? It is not child pornography. This is a message for wings of redemption. Is it even filed pornography?

No, I'm not sure if wings can stand. I'm not sure how good he be at treasure hunting. I heard he can't, him and his wife don't have sex because they're so fat. That's what Ralph said. I've heard that too. I mean, it makes sense to me. Have you ever seen her preaching at her church?

She has a church? Yeah, she preaches like a black pastor. What? Imagine Johnny Cochran preaching. That's what she preaches. Like Jackie Childs? It's hilarious. Didn't realize I wanted to go to church today now too.

Oh, wow. Okay. Okay, wait. So what's your app? Start over and don't make any comments about child born this time. So it's a, I'm a releasing it officially here on the Dick Show called All For One. And it's basically the biggest treasure hunt in America.

I bury a treasure every month and in the app, the app's called All For One. There's a new clue every hour as to how to find it. Let me interrupt you. I see you repeating the name of your app. You should do a little jingle if you're going to say it. It's a good idea, right? It's called All For, what is it called?

All For One, right? It's not a bad idea. Yeah, you need to take vocal lessons. Yeah, just sing the whole thing. Just do like a little, yeah. Yeah, it's called all four one, like cars for kids, one eight seven seven cars for kids. Like the Empire Today commercial.

Yeah, that's all one eight seven seven empire today. Okay, sorry. No, that's a general. Oh, that's a general, fuck. Empire? How does it go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, sorry.

Say it again Someone just posted in the discord. Yeah, so it's basically a giant treasure hunt. That's always happening and anyone can win What do you win 10 grand? 10 grand minimum every purchase you buy in the app Which is like little slight advantages you could buy every single purchase including t-shirt profits goes on to the treasure So a lot of people are playing it could blow up to like a hundred thousand dollars and it depends No one's guaranteed to find it on any month So the treasure just rolls over to the next one if nobody finds it What if I find it and camp on it for a while and wait till the bounty gets really huge and then cash it in yeah

Do it. I mean if you can find it it, do it. There's no rule. You have a buried treasure? You didn't America? You didn't find a way to circumvent that? You're just going to have some fucking asshole sit on it for a hundred years and fucking no one wins your game. Well, no, it changes every month. I bury one every month somewhere else. It's not in one place. You personally go out and bury something every month. Yeah, I'm spending 90 days in Argentina. So before I left, I did like a three day road trip around the country and hid the next five.

So you buried five months worth of like prizes? Yeah, yeah. If you find an old one. It's 43 miles to the gallon. So it helps a lot. How do you know if you found the prize? Do you actually have to dig? No, nothing's buried.

Nothing's buried. It's all hidden in plain sight. Like, uh, I hid one on John Daley's golf course. I hid one at the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium. So we should go fuck up John Daley's golf course, dig it up somewhere in John Daley's golf course. Hey, this app said I had to dig your whole golf course. He would get it. Disguised as John Daley and wear like those pants.

Once the months over that treasure is no longer valid. No one has found that once. If you go to the 16th hole in John Daley's golf course, there might be a mini like a jewelry box on the 16th T-Sign. That's where I put it. So it changes every month. So you're giving the locations away? Yeah, there's a new clue in the app every hour as to how to find it.

Okay. There's little things like there's a guessing map to where if you log in or buy guesses, you can place guesses to where it is. If the treasure is within a 100-foot circle of that, it'll just notify you in the app and then you can go collect it. So if you're pretty sure you know what it is, you can blanket an area and guesses and then just go like, oh, the app said it's there.

Time for a $10,000 road trip. Now, the other question becomes, how do we know you're not just like, I buried all these fucking things everywhere, go find them and then just people just have, it's a big clue farming game and now you're just getting micro transactions. Yeah.

Because I show a video of where I hit it in the app, blue farming game and now you're just getting micro transactions. How do we know it's not that? Because I show a video of where I hit it in the app, all of the Treasure Hunts are videotaped where I put them specifically. And if you go find, this current hunt ends in three days. If someone, assuming no one finds this one, if someone goes and finds it after I reveal it, I'll send them a free t-shirt to prove that it's there essentially. What do you have to find? It depends.

John Daley's cock. Well, that's a tough challenge. You need to shovel. No, sometimes it's a jewelry box. Sometimes it's in a glass jar. Sometimes it's a note. It changes shape. It's in a glass jar that's off some guy's ass.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So at the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium, I took a one by one paver tile and painted a four and one on it with a dollar sign. I left it in a place where it looks like it would belong and no one picked it up like none of the employees at the stadium moved it in the 30 days or whatever it was. So it worked out then. But yeah, it's a go. It sounds like easy money. Yeah, that's why I did it.

Eventually it's going to... I mean, the key is to... This is a smart audience. Easy money for him. I'll just tell you how it worked. The key is to draw eyes to it. I fund the first, let's say I'm willing to drop $30,000 with no profit whatsoever. Eventually, when people are looking at this constantly, I don't pay for the

treasure anymore. Ford Motor Company puts up a truck as their, as the prize for it. It's fundamentally the Mr. Beast model, but unlike the early Mr. Beast models, I'm not, I'm not scamming because his giveaways were all fake in the first couple of years. So this is real money. This is real.

Just because I videotaped. I show me burying this. And after I hit end, I dig it back up real fast to make sure you don't get it. So the one right now is in John Daley's golf course. You can go right now and get it. That was my three. No. Where's the one right now?

It's not John Davis golf bar. It's just literally look at the app. They're doing our Christmas. I don't want to download the app. I want to know where the money. What the fuck are you bringing up John Davis golf course? If it isn't there then now I want to go to John Davis golf. Yeah, that was a former one.

Fuck. What the fuck is that? Yeah, it's a former one. So you just launched it today, yet you only have three days on this current find. And you've already been doing them too? Like. I have been doing them, but I didn I want to announce it until I had all the features loaded like a motherfucker. Okay.

Oh, see, so you're faking it to making it to see you get the all four one after beast faking. And then you can get it. Hi, come on in. Please, please, please. Welcome. Welcome. Have a seat. Have a seat. Madison. Madison. Madison madness is here. Let me get the camera. Hello. Hello, hello, hello. We're talking to a guy who's running a scam on the, oh, sure, sure. He said, let me show you guys NFT too. Yeah. We're putting it back on the web too.

Putting it back in the, for running scams back on web too. Jake, I worked as a software engineer. $30,000 is not a ton of money. It's much cheaper than hiring somebody. And I hope to get a 20-day... I'm sorry, I blacked out when you said $30,000 is not a lot of money. What was the rest of the sentence? I lived in St. Louis.

Rent for a three-bedroom apartment for me was $800 a month. You tend to be able to save a lot of money. Oh, you cocksucker. $800. Yeah, but then you a lot of money. Oh, you cock sucker. $800. Yeah. But then you're going to live in St. Louis, man. Well, there's a lot of reasons not to live in St. Louis. There you go. This guy's just a maniac. What else can you win on your, can you win any horse on the, on the app?

Found one. Yes. Right on John Deleys golf course. Vaubles. Wait, can you put one in Vito's house? Can you put a... Leave a totem of a fat Vito Funko Pop at Vito's house. I actually thought about hiding one at Travis Kelsey's house instead of the Kansas City Royal Stadium because I want it to be kind of like in your face places. It's not very in some fucking cornfield in Iowa.

I want it to be in plain sight, but I didn't want to do it, get a felony vandalism charge for this. Huh, come on man. Plus he, Vito won't sue you. He doesn't, he's too lazy. I mean, yeah. He can't even finish his comic, let alone fill out the forms to sue you.

Host Vito's address in the chat. I'll put one there. Uh, no, I'll send it. Well, just, I'm sure it's on Kiwi Farms. Like I busted for hosting child pornography. Did you hear that, Johnny? Wow. Who would have thought? And Nell's defense was, no, it's a 19 year old.

Who would have thought the whole internet would be against Kiwi Farms? Man, I just wish people would- I was gonna do big business with them, but if Epic says they're hosting child porn, I guess they're hosting child porn. Nothing I could do about it. All I'm saying is, if my cooking with Jack Thread gets- it's not my thread, but I love

to see what this fat fuck is up to all the time. Oh my God. If I have nothing to read while I'm on the toilet, I'm gonna be pretty sad. Ah, yeah, I hear you. That's kind of like- I'm like, oh, I just need to see this guy have one more stroke while he's eating raw meat on camera. Just one more.

Yeah. Nope. Okay, well, all for one app. See, you can win 10 grand. That's why it's called all for one. You have to pay to, why, why? Cause, well, cause you do have to pay. Oh, you do have to pay?

Yeah. How much do you have to pay? Totally free. Totally free, he says. Totally free, he says. Oh, you do have to pay. Yeah, how much Totally free says totally free. He says totally got your right Johnny. You're right. Why is there micro transactions? If it's totally free, you're still investing your time and fucking effort into it No, you're right. There are small advantages you can buy for sure. I mean, it's not totally 100% free You see ads there's some small things you can buy but see here's my t-shirts Here's the thing is it's all for one. So all these people are buying all these fucking microtransactions for this guy. How do you spell it? There's a lot of all for one treasure hunt. All right, I'm putting on right now. I want this to engrave.

All for one cash. All for one dot cash and I'll redirect you to download it. It's the promise. It's not a scam. By the way, I'm not warning you that it's a scam. By the way, I'm not sure. It's the honest warning that it's a scam. I'm kidding, that's not true. By the way, I'm only asking you these things, not in disproval, but because I actually highly approve of scamming people. So this is a, you know, I'm just trying to make sure that I can copy your answers for when I also scam people out of something. Hello, hello, how are you Madison? Please weigh in on this. This guy's buried $10,000 every month around the guy on the phone.

Oh, you're going to have to put these headphones on. Thank you. He's buried $10,000 around the country. Sorry, I'm just making sure that camera angle is perfect. And what do you know it is? What do you know? He's buried a bunch of money around the country and you have to download his app to get it And you have to pay him to find where the money is

Sounds like a scam right he said it's totally free, but he said it with air quotes. I heard it over the score See and there's a bumper up will you Johnny if it's free then why is there ads? Yeah, I mean, that's how free apps work. That's not a free app. Yeah, it sounds like one of those apps that's free to download and then all these in-app purchases. You're the guy making all those fucking stupid bejeweled games that are disguised as cool games.

And then when I go download it, it's not that at all. I know you. How about the one in that game where it's like You knocked a woman up. Oh, yeah, the commercials. I see now all the time Have you ever played that game? No, I I usually play the games where you have to like pull out like pull something out And then let the water through and is that a real game? Yes, it's really good. It looks so good It looks so fun. You can play it offline too See all for one you should be doing that.

Wait, how do you play that game? I've been wanting to play that game for like two years, and every time I download, I get stuck in some fucking thing. I don't know, you just have to press the X at the top. Sometimes it makes you watch. I've been fucking it up. I've been pressing the button. Just skip through the ads.

Skip through, just press X. Okay, honey, get on that mic. Say no. Thank you. Okay, all for one. Thank you through the ads. Just press X. Okay honey, get on that. Get on that mic. Say no. Thank you. Okay, all for one. Thank you for calling in. Yeah, thanks man. Thanks again for your answers. Thank you, Dick. Oh, not me. Fuck you Eddie. I'll still owe you for a winter shank.

See you later guys. See ya. All in one. All in one cash. Hello, hello, hello. How are you Madison? Please introduce yourself to the audience. Hi. All in one cash. Hello, hello, hello, how are you Madison? Please introduce yourself to the audience. I go by Madison Mattness on Twitter X. And my other socials, I go by kr33kr33, which is also my gamer tag

because I like to play video games. What do you mean? What kind of games do you like? You like to play scam games? Like this guy has? No, no, no. play video games. Whoa, whoa, what do you mean? What kind of games do you like? You like to play scam games? Like this guy has? No, no, no. Scam games. I'm like a sci-fi fantasy type of girl.

I like to play games like Fable. What? Yeah. Oh my God. That's like my favorite. That's like another level of getting guys' attention on. As soon as you started dropping these words. Yes, I love Fable.

I love sci-fi fantasy games. If there's any, if there's any, like, you have to be able to like play a role in this. You have to be able to pick your role. Like, are you a mage or, you know, pick your, pick your category. What role would you pick? I'd be a swarthy pirate.

Yeah. Who's also lazy. Yeah. I mean, I'm usually like picking like a sorceress role, something really powerful because I want to be able to, I want to be able to use everything in my arsenal. I just don't want to be regular. You don't want to be, what's regular like it? Regular, like they have the category

where people are like soldiers or something like super soldiers, but do they have any magic powers? No worthless You don't got any fucking magic. What do you pick Johnny? This is Johnny the audio engineer How are you? This is the first time I've seen him not high out of his mind, too Oh, that's because I'm sun bleached now. I'm so high that I'm like I came back. Oh, is that what happened? You know what I did I did some mushrooms last weekend. First time ever that I did mushrooms and didn't just have like a constant panic attack.

That was nice and focused the whole time. That's amazing. It was amazing. Anytime I've did mushrooms, I'm painting and then my paintings start to talk to me. I started freaking out. Yeah, yeah. Or I was watching fairly odd parents

and Cosmo and Wanda were talking to me personally So my dog's name is now Cosmo Yeah, I talked to you a papillon a papillon was little guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Butterfly ears When I did mushrooms one time I went to a musical version of Tootsie the musical Okay about the guy that pretends to be a woman to get a job on Broadway So it's already a little too bit too meta to be doing mushrooms on but then it's also like he's like Doing what he's being a woman, but also all the trans shit now It's like not as funny as it was in the 80s and they started talking about that during the play

I'm like this is fucking this is fucked man. I gotta get out of here It was right after it was right after real Smith slapped Chris Rock and it was in the Kodak, it was in the Kodak Theater. So I'm just like seeing Chris Rock, like Will Smith march up and slap this guy wearing a dress. Like I gotta get outta here, man. This is a fucking big mistake. Oh my God.

Whose show were you at? Where you were like, I'm pretty sure this guy's being held hostage. Was it that? That show I went to in Israel, 10-7, it was a big rave. That was the- No, it was a concert out here, I think. Oh, it was.

You know what I saw? What was the rave we went to where that woman, it was like an old disco woman. It was a disco rave we went to. Disco trip, downtown Central Park's packed, right? We're doing drugs, it's for old people. So we're doing drugs at like three in the afternoon. Oh my God.

And it starts getting dark, so they start rolling out the celebrities. And it was this old, it wasn't Diana Ross, but it was somebody old and famous. Oh, like he's saying old. There was somebody, you know, from the 70s, right? Yeah. And she goes, I just wanted to say, thank you all for coming out.

And I brought my dog who just got out of surgery at the vet, and she holds this little papillon up. Oh, papillons are the best. But it was like horrifying because this dog was cracked out on like pain killers. The dog was on like Vicodin just being held by this woman at like- Did the dog- Did the dog at least have clothes on? The dog did have a sweater on.

Okay, good, because I would hate to be out there naked. But she's stumbling around and we're like, can you just please put the fucking dog down? You're freaking everybody out, lady. Okay, so where is your gaming streams on Twitch or OnlyFans? Well, I have OnlyFans. I'm like, renovating it right now, so...

You're renovating your only... Yeah, I'm renovating it. This old OnlyFans with Boo Bross. Pardon our dust I'm coming back really soon guys. I promise okay Why are you renovating it? just because I let a Modeling company manage it and they locked me out of it. They did. Yes. They locked me out of it and

They locked me out of it. They did? Yes, they locked me out of it. And yeah, I told them, I had got into a car accident with my friend in Seattle, and I had lost all access to my Apple ID, everything. And they're like pressuring me for pictures. I'm like, dude, I can't even get into anything. And they're like sending me invoices

and I can't get into it because they are running it. This is one of the most important stories I've ever heard, one of the biggest tragedies. Real news. It's my attention. Finally. Finally. Something.

And I just, like they just stopped responding. I couldn't get into it. So I finally emailed support and I had to go through a lot but now I got it back and I set a renovation. Okay. Yeah, because I've been locked out of it since 2022. You're like in an Andrew tape kind of situation. Oh, I have no idea.

You wanna hear that? That is. Yeah, I know who he is, but I don't know. He's doing all kinds of trafficking over there. Oh my God. Romania. Out in Romania. You know what's crazy?

So he called into this show. This was like the first show he called into before he was famous. This was like the start of his, I'm gonna be a big famous guy. And he basically like explained all of the traffic that he does in detail. And we're listening going like, wow, that's all like a huge crime, bro. He's like, yeah, but you know, it's Romania, so you can do whatever you want. Really? Yes.

Really? Yes. Really? What? No. No. He's talking about making like 35 grand a month off these girls and he's only gives them a thousand bucks. I'm like, yeah, that's illegal, man. You can't do that. Oh my gosh.

So he's a fucking pimp. What the fuck? That's why I thought it was so fun to have him on because he's a legit pimp. Oh my gosh. And he's just telling all his business. Yeah. OK. Now he's all about Islamimp. Oh my gosh, and he's just telling all his business. Yeah. Okay.

Now he's all about Islam though and shit. Okay, turn your life over. After making these bitches turn over on their backs. What the fuck? Okay, how could I, for people just listening and not watching the video, which is insane to be doing, usually that's fine, preferable, because it's just me and other ugly people,

except for Sean. Except for Sean, right. Could you describe yourself to the people listening? Obviously I would do a disrespectful job. Oh my God. Well, I am a very petite, curvaceous girl. I'm like brown Sugar Barbie here. And...

Brown Sugar Barbie. Brown Sugar Barbie. But not lecturing. Don't take my shit out there. I just thought of it. I'm improvising. So yeah. Would you do like a version of the Barbie movie?

Is that... I mean, yeah, if they wanted me to. Yeah, he could be, Johnny over there could be Ken. I think he would be a good To kick you out of Barbie's dream house. I'd hate to because can the movie took over and he was just he was he was just weird After a while he took over Barbie's house. I'll see that movie one day. You haven't seen Barbie Can watch movies? I love movies. I'm a movie girl.

I love movies. My favorite movie of all time is an 80s movie that can not... It's an old one. No, it's an 80s movie that I've loved since I was born, actually. Okay. And it's like every part of my life is somehow correlating with this movie a little bit. It's Labyrinth with David Bowie and Jennifer Bowie. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like my favorite movie of all time.

With that gross magic guy. Yeah, Hagel. You're disrespecting her favorite character, gross midget guy. It's not. Any guy who I run across who reminds me of Hoggle is like, he's not good. Oh, he's not good. Yeah, he poisoned her. Yeah. Even though it was a great dream.

So you're saying you don't like guys who are like little midgets with warts and stuff all over the place. Yeah, because they have like a little man's complex and they want to fuck up my life. That's true. They want to fuck up my mission like they did to Sarah. You know, I like the part where they're putting all that trash on her, like all of her memories and stuff. I got my friend who usually, I do another show with him. He's like, he just collects all this trash all the time. Oh my gosh, hoard I do another show with him. He's like just collects all this trash

Toys yeah, and every time I'm traveling like you're that seems for you Bro you're putting like yeah, I was like little Japanese Petafile figurines like this. Oh, yeah, let's put it on He bought me one and I almost threw it away today because it knocked over a beer Yeah, it is alive Okay, so you like the labyrin had. Oh, that's like a good one. It's alive. It is alive. It is alive. Okay, so you like the labyrinth. Yes, my favorite.

What could guys say to impress you? So like, I'm not Hoggle, they would say that. No, no, of course. Hey, hey, I might kick the shit out of him if I ever saw him. Hey, so I'm not Hoggle. No, no, but I mean, if it was like- You're more like a David, you're into David Bowie.

He's like kind of gay. Of course, he's a goblin kind of gay. He's just very flamboyant, okay? Don't talk about the goblin king like that. He's like kind of gay. Of course, he's a goblin king. Kind of gay. He's just very flamboyant, okay? Don't talk about the goblin king like that. He's never done anything to you. And he could actually just- I wish he did. He's the goblin king, you know?

Yeah, the goblin king. Goblin king. He's got that. Just watch out. If you see a white owl anywhere, watch your back because he's watching. I see a couple of hooters. What about the dad jokes, King? How do you feel about that?

Dad jokes are funny. Dad hats are cute. I think it's in. What's a dad hat? Dad hats. The dad hats that dads wear to like PTA events and stuff. Like a red hat with like white letters. Usually that's like a good dad hat.

Like an under armor hat. What's a dad hat? Like under armor hat what's a dad like soft hat a soft fedora no not as fedora that's like an old man trying to be like robert denaro hat i mean a dad hat is like um it's soft and then it has a brim oh it has a little brim yeah it has a little brim like a i don't know like a regular hat About this like something like no, that's like a helmet Okay, but it's nice. It's like a aviation helmet or something Um, I honestly I forget what we were talking about before you got here

This guy scammed game that he's got all for one where you can win ten thousand bucks I gotta ask that guy how he does it. I mean, is he like showing, is he advertising where he's like bearing the money? He gives you clues in the app. But you pay him for it. But are we actually, how do we know that he's actually doing this? He's not.

I mean, he sounded pretty trustworthy. How? That's how I usually base all, yeah, he sounded like, well, I can believe a stranger on the internet to tell me to download it. You're talking about John Daly? That check down. Yeah, he's a good guy, right?

Oh, I meant John Daly, not. Oh, yeah, John Daly. I have some advice that I brought in from somebody. Let me see. Are you down to answer some advice questions? Yeah. Or is that weed that you got there? Or you just smelt it?

Oh, it's a, no, it's a vape. I smoked weed before I got in here because I wasn't sure if I could smoke it there. If it would be weed I allow. You could smoke whatever you want. This guy, no, but you can. Thank you. You can light a campfire.

You can light a campfire. I like the honeycomb guy. Love it, love it. Okay, here's what this guy says. There's a lot of guys have problems with women, right? Okay, here's what this guy says. There's a lot of guys have problems with women, right? Okay. Big time. Yeah.

You deal with it on only fans. Yeah, I deal with guys everywhere. It's not just not only fans. What are they messing up most, do you think? I think guys are just not listening properly. I think they're listening to reply and not listening to comprehend. I'm just listening to say something

that I could get sex with. Exactly, exactly. So how do I do that better? You have to listen first. If you want sex, you have to listen. You're so right. To listen, don't listen. To listen.

Listen, to listen. That's so true. Okay, here's what he says. Plenus says, Hey, Dick, I broke up with my girlfriend three months ago. Now she's already moving in with her ex. About three months ago I broke up with my first longtime partner. We met at art school.

So you could imagine we're both rather autistic and mentally ill. What? Oh, that wasn't editorial. Oh my gosh. Maybe don't throw her under the bus we got we're both you know, I broke up with this girl We're both pretty retarded We got to know each other during break and started seeing each other outside of classes We hit it off and eventually one night when she was over at my place after a concert. We finally fucked

nice I'm a 22 year old autistic Virgin art student. Guys, but try to hide it. Try not to tell me about the autism. Like I really want one of you to try to sneak it by me. Oh, you can't slide it in. Yeah.

That's like the main point. Like he's trying to embarrass this bitch and himself at the same time. Yeah, I don't know. Poor girl. Yeah, she's more autistic. time. I don't know. Or girl. All she did was go back to her ex because look at how these look at what he's saying. What's the weirdest guy you've got to have? I mean, come on. You've got to have some real weirdos. Yeah, I mean some real weirdos. I think the great thing about being I think most guys are pretty weird. Yeah.

What's like the what's like the most? What's the most weird guy? The great thing about being like a guy, a celebrity is that if girls have a crush on you, then they get to know you. Like, oh yeah, never mind. Yeah. You're a fucking disaster. Oh my gosh.

So weird as guy. The worst thing you can do is lead them hot. Worst thing you can do is just be anything. He's not fuck. I don't know. Yeah, the weirdest guy was like, you know He had a lot going on and he was like really generous With money with money and stuff at but I've heard that helps But it didn't help enough because it was like a weird foot thing that I but it didn't help enough because it was like a weird foot thing that I'm like at this point I was gonna fucking ask about foot stuff. I'm like, but I'm horny. Why do you want to fuck my feet?

I'm horny not my feet my feet I cannot Do much for me sir. He like looks at me You're just sitting there fucking your feet the whole time? He's like, dude, what about the pussy? What's up? What about the thing? Pussy who? He's like, your feet are good. I don't give a fuck what's going on out there.

How good are your feet? I mean, damn. Let me see this. I mean, damn. Can he look at the feet at the time? He's like, what side of the shoe does your pussy wear? I mean, no. What was he doing to your, he was like having sex with your feet with his penis?

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Sorry to say it's horrible. There was a, it drove me crazy, you know. Where's the stone toss comic about this? I almost started to doubt my own pussy at that point. No, you, you should be doubting something.

I don't know if it's the pussy and something else. There's like this certain line where you make like a, you get rich, right? Yeah. But then you get rich and you have nothing else to do. So you're like, you know what? I'm going to fuck dudes and I'm going to fuck feet. Yeah, exactly.

But I was just kind of happy. I never fucked him because he's definitely fucking dudes feet too. If it's just. They're all, or you get both. Well, so that's why I always tell people, I want to get rich but not too rich. I can't even look at my tits.

You're definitely fucking. Yes, it is. You're definitely fucking dude's feet dude. You're not even looking up here. That's the craziest. How do you get paired up with a guy with this? These tits, how do you get paired up with a fucking foot guy?

He is. I can find free feet anywhere. Right, right. I feel the same way. I'm just paired up with a guy with this, but these tits, how do you get paired up with a fucking foot guy? I can find free feet anywhere. Right, right, I feel the same way. I'm like, why me? What are these feet? Why me? They're just, they're bedazzle feet. I'm bedazzle, I'm French too.

Bedazzle feet. Yeah, bedazzle, bedazzle. I get it now. I'm kidding, guys. I don't, get it. Honestly, this guy was just pretty weird, but he was a nice guy So what's he though if you liked your feet more than a nice guy? It really is you know, I'm not I'm not an evil bitch

You wouldn't like drop DMs and stuff on guys after no, I hate when girls do that You're not getting any calmed off my cage No, I don't, I don't, I'm not, you're not getting any calmed off my page. And, and I'm not gonna embarrass myself by saying, by showing people what the fuck I've been dealing with, because showing people how stupid I am and fucking posting DMs and stuff. Yeah, I hate that shit. Absolutely not. Listen here you fucking foot fucker, I'll have you know. Hey, at his name, you're a foot fucker.

He probably liked that though, right? Since his pictures to his mom. What? You're not playing with me. Hey, I made the cover of Foot Fucker, Volume 10. Foot Fucker, Volume 10? Oh, that's cool. Oh my gosh.

Okay, so you got rid of the foot fucker. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that only lasts in. Do you ask guys that now? Are you not like really into feet, are you? I feel like, listen, I'm not into that foot shape. Let me know right now. Okay, I'm a 21 year old autistic art virgin art student who's felt like they're fundamentally incompatible

with most people, managed to get laid. So you can imagine, I thought I was in love. Well, you were in love, you know, it's really easy to be in love. You're just kind of like R and then you're not. After about a month and a half of hanging out and having copious amounts of sex, I ask her if she wants to take things to the next level

and be my girlfriend. She accepts but warns me that she has a borderline and that there's a good chance she'll just flip on me one day and there won't be anything either of us can do about it. Sounds like you guys should be in psychology school. Man. What do you think about that? Oh my gosh. Like if she hasn't flipped yet then she's just trying to cover up for when she does flip

and she's gonna flip flip. She's not just gonna flip, she's gonna flip flip. Back and forth. Yeah, flip flip. Fuck with you forever. Fuck your feet. She's gonna flip on your head She goes on to detail that her exes and how they all met a similar fate what the fuck a similar fate is she

My exes Like one of your games your sci-fi games, right? Fable that was a game you liked to play? I love Fable. What is your Twitch so people can watch you? Well, it's KR33, KR33. KR33, KR, man, I've heard some bad names. That is... Yeah, I know.

Kree Kree. Kree Kree, that's my name. That's my real name, Kree. You think I'm so white, you can't even like, you gotta spell it out the whole. No, it's just with threes, yeah. Yeah, Cree-Cree with three. Yeah, with threes, and then that's also my Instagram too.

Okay, Cree-Cree with all threes. She goes on to detail how her exes met a similar fate. She was upholding her Bushido code. Even going so far as bringing up a Reddit post one of her ex-boyfriends made and how she, and about how she handled her breakup, bro. Have you ever had that? A guy saying like, look, I'm, I'm fucked up. Here's a Reddit post to confirm how fucked up I am.

Not that I know of, but maybe I should look. How about you? Fuck no. No? All my homies don't go on Reddit. I can't avoid it. Could you imagine if I wasn't, we've been dating since before I was like infamous I guess. I can't even imagine how like, hey, I Googled you.

We got sued for $300 million and... You went on Dr. Phil. you landed the funniest fat joke. Oh my God. Google is a bitch. To summarize, lots of borderline mixed messages type of shit. Not mixed. In my infinite wisdom, I somehow think we'll be different. And I, of course, tell her I understand it will be fine.

Can people navigate this? I think you got to just like attack all the time. I think he's so pussy happy that he's trying to navigate some shit that's gonna, that's like gonna happen. Yeah. Pussy happy. Pussy happy. Throughout our relationship, she's constantly mentioning this ex. Oh, amazing, bro. And complaining about him, talking about what he missed out on and all the ways that he fucked her up. This guy writing in about fucking like he broke. He probably wants to know how to get her back from her ex. Let's see.

Cut forward to our one year anniversary. Nice. She comes, she comes over to myself acting oddly distant as the night progresses. We see. What are you laughing at that? She comes over to myself acting oddly distant. As the night progresses, we see... What are you laughing at that? It's getting there. Yeah, sounds like a Victorian novelist. She comes over to myself acting off a distant time.

After avenging her ex. I had been on her Reddit for the better part of a Fortnite, asking myself why did she vex me? I had been on her Reddit for the better part of a fortnight asking myself why did she vex me? So as we start drinking and having a pretty normal night together when I suddenly lean in and ask her for a kiss, my fair maiden, she then breaks down in tears and tells me that it happened, that it's not me, it's her. Yada, yada, yada yada yada

due to a recent drama in my life I only have two friends and she's one of them and we don't really have a which part of that that's that he thinks that he's friends with his girlfriend he's fucking yeah what an evil bitch uh due to a recent drama in my life, I only have two friends and she's one of them And we don't really have any reason to hate each other. So I agree to being friends I don't you can't be friends with somebody fucking king. No way. No way. No way. I'm a Scorpio I don't believe in that. Me too. All or nothing. Yeah, playing the hokie-pokie with me. No I don't even know how you could fuck somebody that your friends with and don't like hate a little bit Yeah, right afterward you're like, okay, so our poker strategy when we go to the wind today is yeah Yeah, like just immediately start scheming. Yeah

Immediately Yes, about a week ago from now. She was over at my house to cut my hair and we started Started drinking some point in the night. She asked me if she should message her ex four years ago. I figured, what the hell? What are you doing? You're still around this girl after she fuck cheated on you with her ex boyfriend?

He likes it. He's into it. Ah, not my circus, not my monkeys. I tell her to do whatever she wants. That was a big mistake, man. She's trying to get you to fucking wig out and set up some boundaries. She's trying to provoke you into setting boundaries,

which you should've done right away. Or maybe she's trying to get them together. The two guys? Yeah, all three of them. You know, girls are like into new things. This is a new era. You think that's new? I think the Greeks gonna call in about that.

Oh yeah, call in. He should fuck the guy and just get her out of there. Show her what it's like. No, he should definitely take her man. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever done anything like that? Two guys. Only way out is going to be like that.

Have you ever done anything like that, Johnny? Two guys dating a guy and bringing a new guy in. I'm like, Sean, once I leave this place, I despawn. I just like break into the ones and zeros. Off into the ether. Nice. One and zeros. Fact-to-you.

I mean, I haven't had a relationship with two guys. I've been with two guys before, but I haven't been out of relationship. At the same time? Yes. Ooh. It was great. Like at dinner? Yeah. Yeah, It was great. Like at dinner?

Yeah. Yeah, dinner for sure. How did you arrange that? Such a- I didn't arrange it. Devil's Triangle Eiffel Tower? Did you get Eiffel Towered in this? I don't even know what that is, but maybe.

Can imagine. If I figure out what it is, then maybe it happened. But I know what did happen was my masterful mind at work How was it? It was great. It was great. Yeah, out of ten or I give it like a seven out of ten Is there any that you give a ten out of ten any experience any sexual experience There's I mean there's certain things that I cannot divulge.

Me too, I feel the same way. I'm asking, one hint, about a 10 out of 10. Can't give away all the sauce on your show, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can get you a fable, a walk going on here, if that will help. Nice, nice. I was thinking 10 out of 10 is like.

What can a guy do for like a 10 out of 10? A guy can, a guy can. We know the feeds and no. Everything, no, absolutely not. That's a six. That's a zero, point zero. Keep your socks on. Keep your socks on, keep my socks on.

Keep the socks and the lights on. No, but you have to keep the socks on because you have to have some grip, you know? You have to have, you have to... Some grip. Some grip, you know, you have to have some grip, like on the floor, you know, where you're not picking that some grip on anything else.

You have to have some, so you use like yoga socks, like Pilates socks with the rubber on the bottom. I have those. Those help. Anti-fatigue, Matt, of the edge of your bed. Nice. No fatigue here. Yeah. Okay. The following Monday at 11, she tells me that she's the reason that the reason she's been so flaky the last couple of days is she's been in her ex-boyfriend's house and that she plans on moving in as her next possible opportunity and that they are really cool. Bro, she's not your friend. Stop using that word. Should I cut all contact with this woman? Yes.

Absolutely. I value her as a friend and person in my life. I have never said that about a man. I have only heard guys value friendship when it's a woman. I've never heard a guy say, well, you know, I really value him as a friend, but he crashed his, he drove drunk again and crashed his car through my fence

and I had just painted it. It's always, I really value her as a friend, but she's fucking other guys, man. Fucking bitch. I'm not sure I can pretend to be mad about this. Am I being crazy and overeating? It's hard to tell with this sort of stuff, but the whole thing revs me the wrong I being crazy and overeating? It's hard to tell with this sort of stuff. But the whole thing revs me the wrong way. Am I overeating? Yeah. Are you overeating? Yes, we are.

Cheers for reading my story. If it's been long winded, I try to provide as much context as possible. Stop talking! Stop thinking these girls are your friends, man! These girls are not your friends. Because then you're gonna get a girlfriend and you're gonna have all these... Even if what you're saying is right, you're gonna have all these girlfriends, you're like, oh fuck. And those bitches have to go. There's no way. There's no way. Hell no.

OK. So this guy's question, no, he's not crazy, but yes, he is overheating. Is that what the next is? Keep being friends with her, but like be the opposite version of you. So you can fuck her again. Kistanzum. Yeah. Yeah. Kistanzum mode. Buff up, beef up. And then Costanzo mode. Yeah, Costanzo mode. Buff up, beef up. And then when you get her...

Get your money up, not your funny up, right? Yeah, and get your beef up too, because clearly he's like a skinny... Soyboy. ...art dude. You know, he probably wears a beret like me. I've got a lot of pants with watercolors too. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and. Yeah.

And then fuck her feet. When you do seduce her, fuck her feet and leave. That's the ultimate. It's so hard to boss. That's the one upsmanship you need in your life. Stop her who's boss. Get that, catch that W and you will be a free man. That's the new Shakespeare, taming the shrew.

Feet on her feet. I'm all over her feet. Bus on her feet. Feet on me. Okay. Do you want to read some news for us her feet. Feet only. Okay. Do you want to read some news for us, Madison? I got some. You've got some news articles here prepared for you.

All right. So do I read this entire thing? Well, you know, you can stop whenever you, you can do whatever you want. At all times. I usually just look at it and then make stuff up. Is this all one story? That's all one story, yeah. This whole entire page?

No. They're all like, it's like the one sentence and then Story and then you can mix it up, too I Am absolutely Japanese Ukrainian born model sparks debate by winning miss Japan pageant Ukrainian born model Carolina Sheenow has been named miss Japan by pageant judges sparking debate on cultural identity. The annual Miss Nippon contest,

which takes its title from the country, Japanese name, hoards the TR to the contestant, representing the foremost beauty of all Japanese women. Shino, a naturalized citizen, has faced difficulties being accepted as a local due to her appearance and hopes Her when will change minds about who can be considered Japanese. Here she is right here. I saw this story this week Miss Japan no way What do you mean no way why she's absolutely Japanese

Yeah, but okay, so you creating a born She's absolutely Japanese. She said so. Yeah, but okay. So Ukrainian born. So she was born by Japanese parents in Ukraine. Well, that couldn't possibly be the case. She's like, why the hell? She's like Ukrainian as hell. Yeah, she definitely has those European features.

A Ukrainian born model has made him of Ukrainian descent. She looks like more like that. Yeah, she definitely has those European features. A Ukrainian-born model has made him... Yeah, she is. ...of a Korean descent. She became this week the first... She does. ...ethically Japanese woman. Um, for Princess Diaries 3 is the promo.

Oh, is it? Is that what this is? No. There she is. Listen. Anne Hathaway, go get Mr. Pan. No. The fact that I don't look like a Japanese person was always in the back of my mind.

That's why when I was called, I couldn't stop crying. I was so happy. Less than 10 years ago, Ariana Miyamoto, half African-American, half Japanese, won a different beauty competition. I think she has. Yeah, you can be half. That's fine. Right? Because it's like half of you, but I mean, hmm. I don't know, man.

So who is second place? I guess that's what I want to... Right? Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's cool that you guys did that. But who's second? Let's see what the... I can't believe they did that.

That's crazy. Japan, the Chinese would never... They don't play about that shit. Yeah, come on. What the hell? Do they have beauty pageants? I'm sure they do. They're gonna have a hot Chinese brought in there.

There's like a hundred, you know. They have a lot of hot Chinese girls. Yeah. Okay. What's the next story? That's very important that we all stay abreast of what's happening in beauty pageants in Japan. Next one? Yeah. I have the world's largest penis. It can be hard and nobody can tell me why it's huge.

Matt Barr. It's something we all are familiar with. It's such a common problem. Such a common problem. Matt Barr, a 40 year old Londoner has the world's largest penis measuring over 11 inches twice the size of most average men. He has written about living with it in his book. I wouldn't bend it in half for anybody.

A long story, life with one of the world's largest penises bar who previously appeared on Channel 4's documentary My massive cock wants to work to bus myths about life with a large penis and open up about the mental health implication What I think are you fucking kidding me? I think I think Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you. I got you. I got you.

Well, it must be nice knowing that I don't have to worry about anything ever again. What was his name? Matt Bar? Yeah. Matt Bar, Biggest Penis. Yeah. Okay.

I revealed my... Like did you... Oh my gosh, the UK is out of control. They let him reveal his penis on the news? Yeah, this is him, right? Oh Come on, bro. Come on. I've seen bigger. Come on. I've seen bigger Matt. There's no way. Damn There's no way buddy. Uh Look at him like look at him talking to a doctor here. I would have been like keep that

Why is he trying to spin this is like, no one knows why this happened? And he's going to doctors like, Doctor, how did this happen that I have such a huge penis? Doctor, I just don't get it. I mean, yeah. All the ladies of all over the world know now. Uh, okay, that's uh, Yeah, let me, I have the world's biggest penis.

Let me look that up. I have the world's... The documentary is called My Massive Cock. My Massive Cock. It's, yeah, let me, I have the world's biggest, let me look that up, I have the world's. The documentary is called My Massive Cock. My Massive Cock, that's great. Oops, that, Madison had turned out that, turned up some search results that aren't right. I have the world's- Yeah, that came back on Alta Vista, what the fuck?

What the hell? Jonathan Falcon. Jonathan Falcon, Jonathan Falcon. You know? Who the fuck is Matt Barthon? I don't know. This man says his is still growing. Well, this is fake news.

Fake news, fake news. OK, here we go. I have the world's biggest penis. It can be hard and nobody can tell me why it's huge. Does he like really need to know that for before he can move on to the spirit realm? Right. Is that his glass? That's his mission. I just need to find out why I have such a big penis. He's like a ghost. Oh my God! Whoa! Whoa! Oh Jesus! Look at that thing. I think it's sick-mastic. Oh Jesus, look at that thing. I can't sing, Master.

Wow. Oh my gosh. Like why would he put it in... What are those called? Long Johns? Yeah, he's wearing like a... This is a very bizarre thing that he's decided to... It's a weird stance too. And his leg. Who stands like this?

It's like he's in Abagreb with his big wiener. And then he's just standing in front of graffiti. He's like, hey. Oh yeah. This is like his emo phase. He just released an indie EP. Oh, I've got big cock problems, tick problems. Monochrome problems.

Bro, you don't have to try this hard if you've got a 10, 12 inch cock. He clearly does, cause it's probably like not all that, you know, like even though it's big. His cock isn't all that. It's probably just big and just looking at him. Cause can he really fuck? Like come on, he's got a big dick. He's probably just like, fuck my big dick.

Yeah, look at his thighs. No, look at that. He's got no butt to speak of. He's got nothing that gives that he can actually that he's actually been pounding down shit Look at his fucking look at his cast. I'm not as cast but his thought look at how thick his penis is that means he hasn't been using it Mine's like this like like exactly Like a pipe cleaner this is fucking fending around and stuff. That's cool, right? Like a pipe cleaner, right? He can bend it around and stuff.

That's cool, right? He told the tale of a woman who struggled to function the next day as a result of his wiener. She couldn't get up the next day when she had to go to work. I was very specific. Not very specific. I think he's kind of making that up.

He is. She couldn't function because- This is proper. Even for someone from London. All night, she's just talking, or he's just talking about how big his dick is Can you believe how big? Let's watch my documentary while we fuck what the fuck that is disgusting I

Am you disgusted by that? Oh my god? What about these feet? What's that guy's name? Ho, Ho garth or whatever the fuck? Who is the hog hogger hogger from Harry Potter? Look at these feet hogger. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got a good feet. All right He's he probably fucks his own feet. That's what that is. Yeah, that's what he uses it for He's like, you know what my dick is so big I can fuck the shit

I suck in his own dick, don't you think? Oh, definitely. He's definitely done that before. He's definitely done it. Yeah, look at his mouth. You gotta go back up to the page. Yeah, he's got... He's had dick in his mouth and his own dick.

Oh, yeah, that's why he's got that thousand-yard stare. Yeah, that's crazy. That's crazy. Look at that. The dick goes right down here. That's what you look like when you suck your own dick, Johnny. Did you know that? All the guys who have this suck their own dick. That's why he has the handsome Squidward face.

That's so insane. Okay, what is the next very important news story that we have to- The next, oh, okay. Oh, shit. I love WWE. This is perfect. Wow. Maybe not after this. You are WWE. This is perfect. Wow.

Maybe not after this. You are hitting all the right notes. What do you like about WWE? Who's your? Well, I've been, well, I love Austin 316. I always wanted to crush beer cans and write on an ATV. You could add, if you want to crush beer cans all over yourself here, we can make that happen.

I wish I could, but I have to practice first because he usually does it on his head and Oh yeah. The way my head is set up, I don't think I have that, uh, Steve Stone Cold head. Oh. But I, yeah, but I mean, I love WBE. Okay. I used to get in trouble for, um, doing the X to all my teachers.

The X box suck it. Yeah. What is that? What's X? Yeah, triple H and Shawn Michaels. You do that to your teachers? Yeah. I'll be like, suck it. And then if they respond to you, you go, pedophile, get out of here.

You call it jail, bro? Like you're out of here. Okay. Vince McMahon. You got busted again. Can you believe that? Oh, I can't believe it. It's actually women and paid them money. Oh, well, shit. I hope you paid. I can't fucking them too. It's crazy. It's crazy to be as oldest Vince McMahon still doing it. WWE founder resigns

amid sex trafficking allegations. Vince McMahon has resigned as executive chairman of TKO the parent company of WWE following allegations of sexual assault trafficking and physical abuse the lawsuit filed by a former WWE Superstaffer Janelle Grant alleges that McMahon dangled job offers and promotions in exchange for sex and dangled and dangled job offers and promotions in exchange for sex and traffic. Dangled? What? They wrote that in the article about rape and human trafficking dangling?

And trafficked her to other men. So listen, girl, first of all, he probably paid you and then he was like, oh, well, if you want to make some more money, I know some other guys who would pay you and that's probably what it is. And you probably didn't get your promotion because you probably didn't. He did it for like 20 years. It's called marriage. Isn't it what he's talking about? You got paid her a bunch of money paid her a bunch of money and fucked her and she fucked some guys and he watched Yeah It's weird when they're using those terms to describe like a

Billionaire that everybody knows right Like we literally watched him on, we watched him like do all kinds of genius shit. No. We watched him. Get his head shaved, that was awesome. Yeah. Oh my gosh. A lot of shit.

Like. Tromfackin. Slap and bitches, fricking. Vince, man. Body slamming bitches and stuff. It was great. Like dude. I feel like trafing is like a bunch of girls

in a shipping container. They bring out and hold their passports and make them work in like Rubbin' Tugs for 30 bucks. It's not like cutting them out of all the saran rafts. All the pallet rafts. He's like, all right, got a bunch of fresh ones right here. Now you're like the attache of a billionaire and you could leave and go to another organization

whenever you want. Like, yeah, WWE staffer, like, what did you tell you? You're gonna be a diva? What, I don't know. Oh yeah, you're probably right. Yeah, she's probably wanting to be a diva and it never happened. Didn't they just do a wrestling thing?

Yeah, I'm sure they did. Yeah. What's your favorite? I'm more of a, I do like the big events, like Summer Slam, WrestleMania. Oh, okay. You know, and I mean, I currently like Randy Orton a lot, of course. And Roman Reigns.

Roman Reigns. I think someone called me that, but as like derogatorily. There's nothing derogatory about Roman Reigns. Okay, good. That's a good thing. Let me look him up. Yeah. What does he look like?

He's hot. Roman Reigns. He should definitely be Aquaman's brother. Oh, that's why people call me that, because I look exactly like that. Oh yeah, holy shit. Do you think? I think so. You don't have to wet your hair.

Well, that's for how we were on your show, yeah. Let your hair stick it back. That's pretty much exactly right. I'm sure he uses like the best hair products ever. Um, yeah, antibacterial for sure. I could do that. I could put like a tattoo on me. Yeah, that would be cool. Probably even better looking than that, I think.

Probably. What do you think about guys doing like testosterone until they're like 70? See that? Just... How do you feel about that? I mean, yeah, I'm keep it it up. Oh you like that? Okay? Keep it up. So we got to do Johnny imagine getting beat down by some dude who's like 85 Because he's just been roiding out

My ass kicked by my dad when I'm like 70 like fuck I did not see this coming I was hoping I could kick your ass at some point, but it's gonna be never I guess the last thing your dad of all people needs Is fucking your ass at some point, but it's going to be never. I guess the last thing your dad of all people needs is fucking more. Yeah. When he, when the CBD hit the scene and man, he's just like, oh man, oh buddy. But could you imagine? He would come. My dad thinks the D and CBD stands for dad.

Nice. Okay. Can't beat dad. He's great. Okay. Do we have, so you're, Okay, so you support Vince McMahon. I think we all do. I think that he did nothing wrong here.

I think he did nothing wrong, girl. And I have to see a picture of this bitch to even determine. What was her name? Let's see her. Janelle Grant. J-A-N-E-L. Grant? Yeah. Where is she at? Let's see her oh

Tick-tock breaking news you have former employee of WWE now I have to do a puzzle Chair of Sexual relationship there was sexual assault sexual abuse At the hands of this Nick man she goes on to say in this 70 page. Where is she though? Right. She's detailing that in order to get a job and keep her job there,

she was forced into this sexual relationship with McMahon. Of course. And forced to engage in sexual activity with other WWE employees. She had to fuck all those roided out dudes after their matches and they're all sweaties. You had to do it. She had to. Like you made me fuck this guy. Fuckin' the Undertaker.

I had to fuck Stone Cold, right? Aw. At the fuck mankind's hand puppet. Mr. Sacco? Mr. Sacco? Uh, I can't find what she looks like to know Grant is that her no that's not no okay let's see no her name was with the only one L oh sorry I messed it up oh wait wait wait go wait whoa there oh

damn she's hot yeah not hot. Yeah, not hot enough down Denil come on Janelle come back to the good side Come back to the light We'll protect you right. We'll respect you. I mean can you really? Ah She's cute why give any respect anywhere to anyone really? Yeah, we don't really know her. We know Vince though. Yeah, we got a team up to help Vince. We all personally know Vince.

Yeah, we do. Oh, honey, that's too bad. Aw. She's my age too, 143. 5'6". How tall are you, Madison? Like 5'3". 5'3", oh my God.

Yeah, 5'3", 5 five four. I'm not sure That day Ryan it was great That's tiny okay, do we have another yes another news for us Police arrest team said to be linked to hundreds of swatting attacks The rest team said to be linked to hundreds of swatting attacks. The US Federal Bureau of Investigation has arrested 17 year old Tor Swatts, a prolific swatter known for his fake 911 cause.

The teenager is currently in custody and awaiting extraction to extradition to Seminole County, Florida, where he faces four felony counts. The FBI has known the identity of tour swats. I don't know if that's how you say it. Yeah, it is. I think it is tour swats.

Yeah. Nice. They caught them. They got them. But we got the guys who've been swatting all of us. Swatting us all. Thank God. Since at least July, 2023, when the agency executed a search warrant

and seized tour swats devices. Here we go. Have you ever been swatted, Madison? Swatted. Yeah. The cops show up and make you get on the ground, take your clothes off. Oh man.

Shoot your dog, yeah. Shoot your dog. Oh my gosh, no. I mean, I've been in a similar situation. I was at a friend's place in this trailer. In this trailer park, okay? What were you doing in a trailer park? I was out of, I was young.

It's not a good location for your foot lady. This is terrible. What are you doing? I was young, okay? And it was like they were barbecuing outside. It was, it was, it was smelling good. And um. You want, you came over like a 30s cartoon pie?

This, they were barbecuing. Okay, so we're smoking, drinking, skipping. I knew it there was something. And the neighbor next door, I guess, the neighbor in the neighboring trailer, he liked me or whatever and he'd. He felt something, you know, something. He liked me and I was like, no. He valued your friendship.

He didn't even ask me if I like video games. What did he ask you? He asked me some meaningless, frivolous things and yeah, he gave me money, okay? And I was like, don't answer that, don't answer that. Okay, it was a significant amount. Allegedly and supposedly. It was a significant amount, like $1,000, okay?, okay? And I and I was let me go to a cash machine

And I love okay, you love me and I was like, oh, thank you And then I went back next door to the barbecue Took his money. Yeah God Nightmare scenario dude. I was I still like, I was in the freaking trailer checking out the mac and cheese. So I had to go. Yeah. Okay. And you know, I was smoking and drinking, so I was still checking out the mac and cheese for hours. What do you look like? The guy.

He looked like, you know, Danny DeVito when he was a penguin in Batman. Uh, he was, so he was Danny DeVito, but a mutant also. Yeah. Basically the worst thing you could possibly look like. Oh my gosh. Yeah, so whatever. Bugger. And then, okay, so I guess he saw like one of my friends

had a gun and he called and he called like he called it. Oh, he called the SWAT team because he didn't fuck him. Oh no! Oh my God! Oh! They came in the helicopters. Oh please? I get this bitch a thousand bucks and she didn't fuck me.

She's gonna send over your toughest guys right now. I hope they would honor that call. You don't have to lie about something like that, right? Yes, so the helicopters came. I'm like, there she is. It's gotta be that one right there. I'm like, I'm like, there she is. It's gotta be that one right there. I'm like, I'm like, um, helicopters. Interesting.

And then a whole bunch of cars came, like just, I started flooding in and flooding in. And then they got out the cars, put their guns over the cars and stuff. And yeah, they- They love it. They love showing off.

They love it. They went, they like totally went ham. And then my friends are like, why, why did this happen? And I know why it happened. I'm like, I don't know why this happened. What the fuck? That's so crazy. I can't believe it. I'm so crazy. You were just doing something.

I'm like, who would do this? You're peaceful. Did you ever get confirmation that it was him or you just know? Yeah, of course. Oh, you did? Okay. Yeah, I was talking to him. He came outside and he stuck it. There or you just know? Yeah, of course. Oh, you did? Okay. Yeah, because he talked to them. He came outside and he stuck it.

There she is! She called in a bomb threat! Yeah. He came in his little freaking tidy whiteies and shit. He came out and came out of his trailer. Danny DeVito. Don't mind you. He shaped like the penguin.

He's like really big at the top. Just like a round. Oh, fuck. Just like a sphere. Like a sphere at the top. A sphere?, like a spear at the top. A spear? A spear. Like a spear.

Okay, yeah. Oh, spear, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, yeah. A spear, yes, a spear, not a spear, a spear. Like the fucking Michelin man's coming out. But not the Michelin man, cause a Michelin. No, a globe, like a globe. Yeah, because the Michelin man had like,

grew from the mids. A Michelin man has like proportions. He had like nothing, like it just went like this at the bottom, like it just went like grew from the minute. I mean man has like proportions He had like nothing like it just went like this at the bottom like his leg It just went like this no, but it's like kind of went in it was just like oh my gosh It's tiny white he's better barely fit and I know they were the smallest size possible Because he has a small penis. No, he had a small waist and, his, he was top heavy, like a spear, like a spear. So you got the thousand bucks though, right? Yeah, I got it.

And the whole barbecue was ruined. Yeah. And then they left, and it, no, and then they, and then they left, and yeah, they left, and then I left, and I was like, well, never coming back. Now the only question, did you get a plate before you left? No, no. But I was tasting the food as it was cooking, so it's okay. I was tasting as I was cooking. As long as you got some,

because it's like to smell barbecue initially and then not to at least get to enjoy it. It's just burning. They're like, they're like, get on the ground. I'm like, oh. The cops are resting you while the barbecue is cooking. Oh my gosh. Fucking assholes.

Fucking, that's such a cock-suckers when they are resting and that shit. Yeah. And I'm just like, dude. Oh, your food's burning. Walk backwards. Put your hands in the back of your head. Lay down on the ground. Touch your ankles to the road.

What the fuck are you talking about? I had never done that before, so I was like, okay. You guys, have you guys like, are you guys done? Because I want to go. I want to get out of here. Yeah, thanks guys. Thanks for my whole shit up. I think I'm gonna go have dinner now Well, that's great Amazing poor guy. Yeah You could have can't you could have like you could have been like hey are you coming back over? No. You caught the police.

He calculated that so fast. That's it. I'm gonna try that. Next time, I don't know if that ever happens. Somebody out there try it, tell me how it works out. Well, they caught those, those, those swatter guys, I guess. Let me see, maybe we got some voice mails. I don't know, Johnny, what do you think? It's been almost three hours. It's a long show.

It's a long show. Do you want to read one more? We can do some voice mails. And we're very happy to have you in studio. I'm happy to be here. You have to come back in. You're very funny. I love too.

You're the best reader we've ever had. It's difficult to read when you're under pressure to read. And Vito goes, oh, I can read. And then he picks it up in the whole time. You hear him crinkling the paper the whole time. I got this guy. I do another show with this guy. Yeah.

About 300 pounds. About little, you know, give or give. Give or give. He's like, get in my belly. Yeah. He's like, get in my belly. Yeah, he's like, get in my belly, fat bastard. He sits there every time while he's reading. He's like crunching the paper like this. You know, if he puts on a kill, it might be hot.

He should put on a kill. But he's Italian, so he won't give an inch to any other culture. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's, I know. He has the power to change himself, and he knows that too. Only he has the power.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Teen facing charges for allegedly taping fish to ATMs and Provo. Is that how you say it? Provo. Yeah, Provo, Utah. A 17 year old man in Salt Lake City has been arrested after allegedly taped fish to ATMs and documented the antics on social media.

The 17 year old who is over 52,000 followers shared 13 instances of the fishy displays on Instagram. The teenager is facing two charges of property damage referred to juvenile justice and youth services stemming from the cost of cleaning up the cases closed in December Fish it's juvenile justice who tapes a fish to an L Well, what you go to the joke I saw them here. Let me pull them up Were they flopping around dead fish? Yeah, well, they're dead. Yeah. Oh fuck He could at least like taped them inside of a water bag or something It's good tape. What are they?

Like tape live fish to an ACM? Yeah, okay. You're like here take a fish. You know, deposit checks, cash, got my fish. He could have made it like he could have made that. Is it smoking a cigarette? Yeah, he popped a cigarette in there. We can't be sending kids to jail for this shit trying them at all.

God man. That on, man. This is great. You think this is a fucking game? I've seen this meme. Well, the other thing too is again, you know, channeling Sean here. Look at the strength of that tape. That tape? Yeah.

Like, oh, that's not a light. It's gorilla tape. It's not duct tape. It's gorilla tape. I have some of the tape in the garage. It's much better. No, it's far superior than duct tape. It's not a dry thing either

That's no no no. It's stuck. Oh my gosh. That's probably hell to get off. It's a rogue ad is what it is And then the fish probably started stinking Yeah, I probably did you try to push the buttons and yeah, and then the fish is like smoking a cigarette right there You turn down a little So this is his thing he's a fish bandit this is his Instagram Nice Yeah, that's great, man. Fuck banks. He's like, doodoo doodoo. I like the soundtrack.

That's so good. OK, everybody, this has been The Dick Show. Thank you, Madison. Thank you for your plug your stuff again, please. I know guys will. My ad on Instagram is kr33kr33. And my ex, my Twitter ex is Madison Madness as well as my only fans, Madison Madness. Madison Madness.

On only fans? Let me see that. What's going on here? I need to take a look at this. Only fans. I hope I'm locked out. Madison Madness. Yeah. Beautiful, busty goddess. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym.

I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym.

I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. You have to subscribe. How much do you subscribe for $10 a month? Yeah, it's my birthday, 1023. So I put it 1023. Oh, God, you're all such good marketers. Women. Right away. Not explaining it, just justifying it. Oh, Mike, look at this. How do we... You have to go to my Twitter. Pull up my Twitter. My Twitter is hot. Madness with 1s on Twitter.

What the fuck? Who is that? Twitter is hot. Madness with one S on Twitter. Oh. What the fuck? Who is that? That S is very important. That's the most important S I've ever encountered. Okay, let me... I don't know if I did it. Madison, Madison, Mad, oh I did it again. Oh you did. Shit, alright.

Okay, here's the, here's Madison Madness on Twitter, on X. Oh my lord. Yes lord. Oh my goodness, Johnny. Oh my goodness. I do declare. I declare the clow, my goodness. Please declare the truth and the truth only. What is going on? What is you going to school here? That's uh, all right.

Oh my god. I can't even, I'm totally out of words for this. What the hell yeah. Hell yeah. You're looking a little sweatier than normal right I was sweaty very Roman Reigns that definitely he just came out of the sea again my word oh geez so it's how long it turns me southern that's what I you know it's not I don't go on a 10 scale I think you kind of sound like that guy from that Will Smith while Wild West movie Will Smith I know you don't mean Kevin Klein cuz he's gay so Movie the movie that will Smith was in the wild

Brenna. Yeah, who are you talking about? No, the big robot spider. Oh, the robot spider. President Ulysses Grant, is that how you're talking about? Oh, my, whoa, oh, God. I need to call Ralph to get a second Southern. Those tits, I don't even know how to describe them. I mean, yeah, my boobs are like, my boobs are my thing.

I was just so tired of stuffing my bra, you know? Me too. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I get, oh, you're on a boat here. Yeah. I was in a boat. I love boating boats and hose. Boats and hose.

I love boating. Boating is one of my passions. Boat and hose. You know, I really value boating. I love it. I was going to put a boat in the backyard. I love it so much. It's great.

It's great. I love boating. Okay. Put a boat in the backyard. I love it so much. It's great. It's great I love boating. Okay, put a boat in the backyard Hypnotic. Oh my god, I can't that's the that's the one I got I have to end on yeah Thanks for coming in today everybody. Oh, it's been a good show. It's been a wonderful show. Thank you Johnny Thank you guys for having me or thanks for coming. Oh Watch I can't wait to see your streams. Yeah, I can't wait. I'll be on it. I'm setting up my three monitor office and stuff.

Do you have like a bunch of anime shit behind you? No, I'd like to do like dress up. Oh, you do? What do you dress up? Are you serious? Yeah, like, they will. What do you dress up? Are you serious? Yeah. Sailor Moon, okay. I'm not showing porn!

Lemon Saki, fuck you! I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink.

I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a drink. And then and I have to kick into the second gear of drinking The best gear the best gear and you shift from morning drinking today drinking Absolutely, the drinking always starts in the morning for me always really yeah All right, here's Here's one about veto that fat guy we were talking about Yeah, I really should just fucking look up look up what the white number is for the biggest

problem but holy shit you know but it's looking fat excuses and you know you think you like i think i'm like better than him but i'm like i've been putting off getting dislike professional certification for my job for a while and like this is like really popular light and fire and i think that I'm just like He did he get goes on them on all these like fucking excuses And they go look I'm setting up, but I'm doing it right like no fucker

It's like you just have to fucking do it and like do it. I know it sounds like fucking boomer like bootstrap shit But like you have fucking just Pulled your fucking bootstraps up and do the fucking thing you say you're gonna do and stop fucking navel gazing about it. Cause you're never gonna fucking do it. Fuck. Yeah. All right. What's up?

This is my Sailor Moon outfit. You're wrong. So cute. Sorry, voicemail guy. We didn't give a single fuck. Is that, does that look like Sailor Moon? Is that canonically accurate? I mean, I, I get the point of it.

I love it. It's the outfit. Mama Mia. What other outfits you got? Who else are you doing? Cosplay stuff. Well, I'm gonna do Katana. What's that? Katana from Mortal Kombat. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I have a few things up my sleeve. Yeah, poison ivy. Okay. Harley Quinn. Okay fun stuff What about commissioner Gordon from Batman? Yeah, I mean without the stash it might work just a button up in the Yeah liquor Okay, let's see here Living within laws me that'll be

Okay, let's see here We'll do living within laws me that'll be a potty. Oh, yeah With my in-laws because it's horrible life decisions, but They still got their kid living here. He's a young boy about 16, you know, he's about to get out to the world He's about to make you know shit for himself. He's going on this out. Thankfully The Farmer, you know, so he's getting ahead of himself and getting shit done and everything. But you know the thing that makes me a rage about living over here with him and the whole reason I thought that it's for backstory to the fact that people will

teach you the most useless shit. Cause you have my mother-in-law here who's just all proud of herself of just like, oh, well, I taught him how to respect women and how to, you know, be nice to others and how to be cordial with everyone and how to give respect and pop of this. You know what the kid doesn't know? You know what the kid wasn't ever fucking taught not even what my wife was fucking taught It was how to make money The most important fucking thing that we need to live Is how to make money and how to continue making money

They don't know how to do that. They don't know how to negotiate They don't know how to border They don't know how to negotiate. They don't know how to border. How to border. They don't know how to get. They have no idea. I'm just going to tell them to get married and he's got to... I don't know if that works. Now he's got a mother or not and this is happening to him. It is.

I don't know why. It's Tim Robbins. Can't even call him. I'm going to explain. I'm going to explain. I'm going to explain. I'm going to explain. Don't get married, guys.

This is... I've been telling you this forever. I love what you do. You teach other useless things. Go fuck yourself. Bye. Thank you for the call. Glad Madison didn't have to hear that. Such an unhinged outburst. All right. Goodbye everybody. See you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday.