The Dick Show - Episode 404

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

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That's gonna be the future, the George Jetson podcasting future. Just gotta click a button, AI generate the whole thing. I don't, am I? Do a lot of work. Am I wrong? But I just don't care about AI shit. If somebody shows me something that was made by AI, I don't feel any need to even look at it a little bit. Am I fooling myself?

Oh, you mean like you don't? If somebody posts a piece of art, even if it's crappy, I'll look at it a little bit. Am I fooling myself? Oh, you mean like you don't... If somebody posts a piece of art, even if it's crappy, I'll look at it. Like I feel a drive to look at it, but if somebody posts like a bunch of AI shit, I... they'll send a song or something, I just ignore. Even an image, I'm like, I can tell it's AI, ignore. Ah, so you just... do you not like... If they say it's AI? No interest at all. Okay. Yeah.

Do other people feel that way? Yeah, I think so. I think so. I don't know, I just don't care. I don't know what it is. I don't care. Well, because it's not generated by a, I mean, because I think you probably look at art

and it's like, what does it tell me about the artist also? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that part of it. Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's human. So it's like, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's human. And it's like, that's, you take that out, it's like, it made this by studying like millions of humans. Yes, I've done that. Yeah, things that- I don't need that to show me what that's about.

I've done that. Things that humans have made. And it's like, this is, so I'm sure it's- Natural. It can probably be good at at least hitting the bullseye to some extent. I mean, where it's like, OK, we that resonates with us, whatever you want to say. We relate to that. But I know it's I don't know.

I think a lot of people care about it. I think a lot of people even though stupid videos. People are supposed to look at what they look at. Sora made a video of an establishing shot. I kind of care. Not even at all. I mean, it'll, you know, I guess it'll get better and better, but I don't know.

Mikey likes it, that's where I'm at. But at the same time, Is this working? Yeah. What happens if it gets, if you don't know, if it gets to the point where it's really good, then are you just like, then you like, wow, that really, I'm entering a world of pain.

Cause I'm now realizing, as you say that, then you like, wow, that really. I'm entering a world of pain. Cause I'm now realizing as you say that, that I am already in that spot where people are just loving trash. Yeah. But. What happens when ISOM is competing with AISOM? I think is what you're saying. Oh.

Ha ha ha ha. Hmm. It's like when a woman that I, it's like when a woman that I've been jacking off to online for a long time gets engaged. It gets a wedding ring or I find out she has a boyfriend. I'm like, I can't even beat off to this shit anymore. Small party, it dies. Gone. Right?

Yeah, I think... I find out she told me to knock out a boyfriend. I'm like, gone. That's nothing. Nothing now. I think that most of us, Childhood ruined. Unless you have some kind of a, you know, a, a, a, a, a defect or a disease or something like that. With other people, not me you're saying.

I think life, the reason why you die at, you know, in your seventies at some point is because, Because you're just sick of it. Well no, because I'll just a little, every time you find out something like that, a little bit of you dies. A little death. Until the last little bit dies. In which case your body goes.

And you can't jack off. That's it. Is this not working? Did I, oh shit, did I fuck this up? Okay, hold on. Fuck. Damn it, I was really on a roll there. Well.

And speaking about gay stuff too much. I got back from camp, you know I said how camping was just a big fucking disaster. Get this! They don't let you, you know how I hate- Speaking of gay stuff, camping was a disaster? Is that how you started that? That's how I tease it. After these messages, we'll be right back. You know how I hate the government, right? Yeah.

And national parks by extension, everything that the government does, I really despise. I see. There's nothing. They made this reservation system that's easy to use and it's very cheap to just register and then bail on it. Right. It only costs like $15.

You only end up paying $15 if you cancel at the last minute. Gotcha. So all these fuckers just reserve everything in advance and everything is booked constantly by the worst people in the world. Campers. People who plan. Oh, yeah. You know, longer than two weeks away, right?

Yeah. What's wrong with those people? They have destroyed everything. You're right about that. What are we gonna do in two weeks, buddy? The whole world's gonna be fucking blown up in two weeks. Who the fuck cares?

Everything's booked all the time when it comes to that kind of shit. Yeah, because there's no real penalty. No penalty. So you can't just show up. You can't just show up, take the, put your camping gear in the car, put the wife in the trunk and drive on up

with the kids, whatever. The dog in the front seat. So they got a little thing that alerts you. It's like a panic. And the rest of the car, wife in the trunk and drive on up with the kids, whatever. The dog in the front seat. So they got a little thing that alerts you. It's like a panic. In the rest of the car, wife in the trunk. Yeah, put your booze in the front seat so it doesn't get dinged up or broken or something. Well, sure, there's a lot of camping equipment back there.

Yeah. You don't want that fucking stove sliding off the lantern in the box. You know, it's amazing when you're camping with your dog, your wife also doubles as a waking you up and asking you if there's something wrong with the dog machine. Oh!

You didn't know that you needed this while you're camping and getting the best sleep of your life because you're free of the modern conveniences that bedevil and vex you and basically cause every moment of your life to be a living hell. You're free of all that stuff so you can just pass out at a nice normal 730

soaked in whiskey and marijuana. Whiskey and piss and whiskey piss. Waking up every two seconds. It was windy as fuck camping. Wow. Oh my God. Like did it windy enough to like tear up your tent? Yeah. Wow.

So she put a bunch of rocks cleverly in the tent. So that while the tent was blowing around we could also stub our toes. Oh yeah. That was nice. Oh that's good. The dogs waking up all night. Huh!

What the fuck did you guys bring me to? And then I'm sleep- I could sleep through that but then I got to hear, do you think the dog's okay? Okay. I'm up. I'm up. I'm up. I'm up.

I'm up. I'm up. I'm up, I'm up, I'm up. I'm with my friend, our friend, who we got swatted with also. He was wearing a shirt that said... Wait, you got swatted again? The guy that, no, no, no, the first time. The guy who was here, gay guy, who was here when we got swatted. That's right.

He was wearing a shirt that said, nearly straight. I know, which I said, all right, that's a funny shirt. Interesting. I got a guy to wear. But then we're doing the shopping. What do you think would push him over the edge? To be fully straight? Yeah.

Gosh, I don't know. Never thought about that. To ask him that. Maybe if the Republican convention comes to town. I'm curious about- He'll be so repulsed out of, I don't know. Huh. I've never tried to put myself in that mindset because I'm worried that I'd'll be so repulsed out of, I don't know. Huh.

I've never tried to put myself in that mindset, because I'm worried that I'd never come back. Oh. I'm worried that I would start to say like, oh, now I get it, right? Right. He was wearing a shirt that said, nearly straight. And then I said, okay, well, let's go do the shopping for the camping, right? Mm-hmm. So we're walking around shopping and we're getting way too many compliments from the fat women at Walmart on the way out to Joshua Tree.

For... They're like, oh, I love your shirt. Oh, you guys have fun as we're loading up with camping equipment. I'm like, wait a minute. This sounds like a joke you heard in elementary school. Your uncle takes you camping and you wake up with... I'm wearing a pink tank top, right? And you know, I'm looking like cool, like Ken from Barbie, except when I'm with my friend, he's wearing a shirt that says I'm gay, just looks like two gay guys.

That's funny. I'm like, hey, I think these people think we're gay. Yeah, but they were, in Walmart, they were pro gay. Oh, they were, it's like they probably called there, they went on Facebook, I saw a bunch of those queers at the Walmart that I, you know, out in India or wherever it is on the way out to Joshua Tree. Oh, yeah.

And I turned to them as we're leaving, I'm like loading up. Now all of a sudden I'm feeling like everything I do is a gay version of what I'm doing. Like I'm putting firewood on my shoulders, but I'm like, am I doing like a YMCA? Like am I doing this too, am I doing this too ma- Am I doing this too gayly?

You know? Is there a straight way to carry firewood to the car? World's strongest gay man competition. Yeah, cause you know, I'm like, am I- Cause these women are clearly, they're- I've never- a woman has never been excited to see me. Yeah. Except for this one time in my life. Where I'm walking through Walmart and women are happy.

They're curling their lips in this weird upside down sneer that I've never seen before. Yeah. When a woman has looked at me. Oh, I love your shirt. Oh, you guys look great. I'm like, wait a minute. What's going on?

Why are they being so nice to me? They're safe from you. That's exactly what I told them. Is this how it is for you all the time? Yeah, you're totally safe. I'm safe, right? Yeah. There's no ulterior motive when you talk to them. Am I carrying this? So I'm carrying the firewood. I'm like, man, am I doing this in like a gay, is there a way I can overpower your shirt so these people know that we're not a couple? He's like, I don't think so.

So then I'm like, I'm gonna try, right? So I really, I really butch up with the firewood as we're walking out to the car and this guy, shit you not, says, this guy goes, oh, hey, going camping? Have fun, you two. And I'm like. That's fucking hilarious. That's something that you would do like That's fucking hilarious

That's something that you mean that's something that you would do Right through the firewood. That's it I'm coming out of the booth for you And there and it gets just got worse. Honestly, it got worse from there. Oh my god It's so much wind and the dog and and get this, the national parks, no drones. Oh. What the fuck are you gonna- how do you not have- Why would I not want a drone? What is a drone for then?

Yeah, in- I'm outside, dude! What are you gonna fucking- what is the drone gonna do in a national park? Is it gonna take someone's camping spot? Yeah. What is the point of preserving the fucking majesty if I can't use a drone to capture it? I think it's dumb to have drones anyway. That's amazing though that you can't fly a drone. No drones?

I said my sister's no fucking drones. She goes, yeah, they're all like that. They're all like that? That sucks. What are they charging you for the pictures now too? Probably. What the fuck is this shit for? Well, we know that any of the Nat Geo specials and stuff, you know, the damn things are 90% drone footage,

they're flowing all over fucking national parks. Yeah, what is, are we gonna find all the dead bodies that are out there? The mysteriously disappeared people? Right, right. Let me make sure this is working and then I'll start the show. Alright, is it working? The dick show but weird and awkward? Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is working.

Yeah, this is, I know for a fact this is working. There you go. Alright, let's start the show. Presenting Dick. I'm exhausted because I've been blaming people for a guy's suicide all day. Oh boy. You gotta get out in front of it. When life gives you suicide, you gotta capitalize on it right away. Yeah! Welcome to Dick. You wanna take a new dick? You have to keep... Got it! Yeah! Welcome to Dick.

You want to take a new dick, you have to keep it. Got it! The show opens at contest, coming to you live from Mount and Bunker, deep in the heart of the city failure of your host, Dick Masterson, aka the 20 million dollar man. Joining me as always is world touring LA based comedian, Sean the audio engineer. Hello, Dick. What's up, buddy? You know.

How you doing? Hey. Did you have a good trans visibility day? Trans visibility day? Yeah. Jesus came out of his tomb and either did, does or doesn't see his penis. That determines if there's going to be six more weeks of an eternity in hell. Did you know that?

I love that so much more than Groundhog Day now. You didn't know about that? I didn't. Trans Visibility Easter. Does this penis have a shadow? The Lord Almighty? That's where the sun comes from, that would be impossible to have a... I don't know, people were making a big deal about it. About? Trans Visibility Day was on Easter. Really? Just so happened to line up. Yeah and instead of you know brushing it under the rug or ignoring it, Biden went ahead and made it an official trans visibility day and said there's no religious iconography allowed in the Easter egg hunt at the White House. Awesome. Okay good job. Whatever. Yeah. Thanks, man. Cool.

So you are or are not gonna make peace in the Middle East because you're not making peace here with like two groups of people who... Yeah, yeah. You should take this energy to Israel. See if you can talk them into, see if you can talk some hostages free with this kind of, you know.

Right. Find where the third temple is and use some of this negotiating prowess to, you know, divide up the the West Bank properly so that everybody's happy, just like they were on Easter this year. Bring him some, you know, bring him some rainbow colored rabbits or something. From from from sun up to 4 p.m. This is Biden. This is what he should have done. Hey guys, we got a little bit of a scheduling snafu here.

All right? We got a little bit of a snafu, as you all know, Trans Visibility Day, always the 31st, and we used to know it. Easter hops around, you know? Easter doesn't know what its identity is, okay? You guys, Easter still hasn't popped out of the eggs. Because like Greek Easter is not till early May, I think.

Sometimes it's the same day, it moves around. Don't even start with that Greek shit. Well, no, or like I think like Russian Orthodox is I think is the same. Yeah. There's all these Easter. Is that where Coptic is? I don't know.

I hear all these words about religion. I don't know, but it's like, you could, on those, if it happens to, then everybody could celebrate on the other, you know. You know, I just like a nice, I thought it was gonna be a nice fun day of arguing who has more pedophiles, trans people, or the Catholic Church. No.

I'm always good for that. Well, I know. That's my Easter slash trans visibility day tradition. Every seven years, I like to have a nice big argument with everybody. Every seven years. Who's got more pedophilia? Right? Right. Both of you, both of you sides are born in the wrong body.

Like count heads. Yeah. You guys are spiritual beings. You guys are men or women and you happen to be in the wrong, right? Can't we come together and, and, and, you know, have some common ground here? Right? I don't know if- You'd both be happier if you weren't in your bodies, right? You guys would be in Heaven Eternal doing whatever with God, and you guys would be, I don't know, posting slutty pictures on Instagram or working at cement factories, okay?

We can all agree that you'd all be happier if you were not in your current bodies, yes? Okay! Then let's just start there. Don't worry about the pedophiles. I'll figure out who the pedophiles are. Right. Okay? Right, right. Both of you.

Okay. Both of you got a big pedophile problem. Okay? Right. Just relax. Let's just stick with the body thing for now. I would have said- One problem at a time, please.

The bodies are clearly a big problem. You're both itching to die, if I'm being quite honest. You know, you guys have been crusading for hundreds of years, and you guys have been, I don't, crusading with yourselves for about 60, okay? You got a lot in common! You got a lot in common from an outsider's perspective! Right. Um, I would have said, hey guys, we had a little scheduling mix-up.

Yeah. The whole Easter thing this year, we're doing Easter from sunup to about 330 p.m. Yeah. By that time if you haven't had a holly jolly Easter season, if you're missing some eggs at the house on the Easter egg hunt by 330, they're gone. You never get in those eggs. And then from 330 p.m. till about 4 in the morning, we're doing trans visibility day. Okay. You know, the Easter people, you sleep through it. You're gonna sleep anyway. You're tired. You're done with your family at this point. Yeah, yeah, kids have been up.

You're not fucking awake before two? How long? You've only been putting on makeup for a year and a half. So it's gonna take you longer than a normal woman, which take two hours. Right, it's like learning to put your contacts in. Exactly! So you wait, even if you're up at noon, it's gonna take you three hours to get, you know, properly done up, whatever. Well, because you're starting from a place of, you're gonna need more concealer, you're gonna...

Exactly! That's the one you... I don't know. Concealer. On trans visibility day, Sean? Oh no! Not concealer! How do you get rid of the stubble? Shower!

Visibler! Yeah, I don't know how you, well, you know. Oh... God, I saw my little nephew take a pickleball right to the face on trans-visibility day. A pickleball? Yeah, you know pickleball, that gay tennis? Oh!

Trans tennis? I don't know what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm thinking like playing, like when you're playing pickle as a kid. Like really? Pickle? Yeah, or maybe you get the younger- Oh, throwing somebody down?

You get the younger kids, you got two bases, the older kids hit the kid with the ball. That's the object of the game, I think. We used to play with a hard ball. So, pickle ball is like a little version of tennis. Yeah, I've seen it. It's actually really fun. It looks pretty fun. We played it, maybe we'll get into that like a little version of tennis. Yeah, I've seen it. It's actually really fun. It looks pretty fun.

We played it, maybe we'll get into that for a little bit. I don't know. The damnedest thing, playing ping pong has really helped my arm reattach. Really? Yeah, it used to be, like, ever since I had my arm put back together, when I'm drinking, which I do every couple of minutes,

I pick up the drink with my hand, and it's like fucking blazing saddles. I shoot with this hand. It's jiggling and wobbling all over the place, right? So we go play ping pong, and I'm doing horrible and I'm all depressed. But, cause I have no control. But I didn't spill a drink the rest of the day.

Exactly! And then the next day I was like, what is this? Well, it's like a little physical therapy. It's not heavy weight. But I did all that shit and nothing got better. And then I did some ping pong. It's probably the finest motor skills. Everything is like these little micro things.

I mean, yeah, I mean, why not? I could see that. So now I can drink without feeling like, this constant reminder that you've fucked up your body. It's just terrible. Yeah. Now I can drink in peace. So now I figure I'll play some pickle ball

and maybe that will be better. Yeah. Anyway. You did this and you're using your new found powers to drink Diet Coke, I noticed. My drinking has dropped a lot in the two or three years since I've got this arm put back together. Really? No.

No, I didn't think so. You just, you're drying out from camping? No, no, because I don't know if this is true or not, but when you go through like a traumatic event and exert a lot of energy, you can basically drink as much as you want for like two and a half days before you start to feel... I don't think hangovers are actually medically, scientifically real. I think it's just the internalized guilt that you feel from being like society. And that's why you feel sick and regretful when you wake up. Like everyone's always henpecking.

I've had a hangover for fucking 15 years then. Exactly! Because on a day that I don't drink, I wake up and I still feel like shit. Well, so I knew it. It wasn't the liquor after all. Right. So I think you don't feel that after a period of exertion. So you can drink with impunity. Did you see that bridge that fell over?

Yeah. On a scale of 1 to 10, how funny did you think that? Did you see it in fast motion with Yakety Sax played over it? No, no, I'm sure somebody did that. I did that. No, I was just like, huh, I'm going like, how did they, apparently they lost power to the ship, right?

Yeah, twice. Wow, yeah, I don't know, I mean, I just, yeah, I saw it. It's, yeah, it's, you don't expect to see a giant ship hit a, it's all around a bridge, right? It's impossible just not to feel like, oh man, I'm so glad I didn't fuck that up. Yeah. You know, when you're a kid, you're like,

oh man, I hope everybody's okay, but now I'm like, oh man, I did not fuck that up. Well, if you don't have power, the rudder on those ships doesn't do a whole lot. Yeah. Because it's under, you know what I mean? Like the propellers, it's like a whole lot. Yeah. Because it's under the, it's under, you know what I mean? Like the propellers, it's like a ski boat. Yeah.

You know, so it's, you need some water forced against the rudder to make those things maneuverable. So if that- Oh, I see. Yeah, if that thing goes fucking dead. You should have been on there. They called the cops, they should have called you. Well, I mean, I either get the fucking, now I don't even know, I haven't,

I've just watched little things. Did they, it seems like they lost engine power. Yeah, and then the way I read it. That would make that rudder very inefficient. Yeah, they turned the diesel on it, cut out again, and then they dropped anchor, and the anchor hooked them right into the pylon. Yeah, well, you're at that point though,

you're doing what the fuck you can. I mean, because you think you're gonna hit something. You're gonna hit something. It's just your, yeah. Every, oh man. You're telling me that anchor hooked him right, aw. Yeah. Fuck.

Yeah, that's just, it's almost a final destination shit. Okay. Everybody can feel that one. How'd you crash it? I dropped the anchor and it hooked us right in. Totally. Yeah, of course. Isn't that ironic?

Of course it did. Yeah. But I was saying my nephew got hit in the face with a pickleball by his dad. Oh, really? I was like watching a supervillain being born. It's the best person to do it, isn't it? I mean, that's, yeah. Well, the worst for, you know, anybody else would have been slightly bad, but your dad hits you in the face with a pickleball.

And he, my brother-in-law, just, ball goes up and he just slams it overhead smash, right? It's like a meat to parents. Totally out of control. It's just a game, Fawker. Totally, way too much power. Blood coming out of her eye. Yeah.

He smashes it. Now this is Bam Bam. Yeah. And Bam Bam is about, how old now? Eight? He's like eight or nine. Yeah. But the kid's like a solid, he's like a natural athlete.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He throws line drives, you know, his serve is devastating. I don't know how he even functions with all this power. He throws his racket, charges his dad, and starts throwing haymakers. I hate you. That sounds like, that sounds like, But I'm dying, right? Do you know who would've done something like that?

Ew. Me. Yeah. I fucking stepped up and blasted a friend's dad in the face with a snowball because I was so offended that like, he had a snowball. Did he hit you?

Oh yeah, he was like, yeah. I was, you could tell it hurt. And he said that later and I was like, good. Or it hurt him? Oh, it hurt him, yeah. I fucking blasted him. Those little fuckers. Yeah. Throwing full-on Tasmanian Devil, Haymaker shirts. His Easter shirt. His Trans Visibility Day shirt is all torn to shit. Yeah. Oh my god.

I HATE YOU! What happened? He's like whoa whoa, Bam Bam, Bam. Whoa whoa, stop stop. You know, he's huge. So I mean, he's like, you know, like a fridge. Did he get laughed at? Is that why he was so pissed?

Well, he was pissed that he got. The piss started before the laughter. I don't know, you know when your dad hits you like that, you're pissed and then everybody's like, it's Justin, it's an accident, an accident. And I say, I mean, he didn't have to hit it that hard. Like that's a... That's fun.

It's just totally inappropriate to hit, you know. So it couldn't be... You didn't have no idea where it was gonna go. Right, you knew it was gonna go forward and harder than you needed to to win the point, right? People like saying that because this family treats sports like you know too reverently. If this was any other instance.

Yeah his dad was a football player. Everyone knew where it might go. Right? That was a good shot. Yeah competitive. You can be competitive as all fuck as a kid too. Like I mean I did not like to fucking lose and that shit you get you lose a point and you get embarrassed?

Hit right in the face. Oh man. Where'd the ball go? It's a ball, right? Is it a ball? Yeah, it's like a wiffle ball. It's a weird game. It's fun, but it's easier to get your head around.

It's like tennis, ping pong, and badminton? Ass and butt sex. Yeah, like badminton, yeah. Got it, is there any point in which you have to carry firewood over your shoulders? Man, I've never seen that woman after woman. Oh, I oh you guys are great. Oh, I love your shirt Oh, wow, where are you guys going? I'm like, why the fuck are all these women wanting to start conversations with us not threatened at? Oh, they're just like oh, you're just like, oh, you're just, yeah. Why the fuck? You're totally 100% safe.

Yeah, why the fuck was that woman so, oh shit. You have. Because my girlfriend's in the car watching the dog. Right. You know, if she's around, we get, I get nothing but, errr. Mm-hmm, yeah. Women are like a,

pug. Errr. Right? With their eyes, errr. You get bugging out. Bugging out. Right, ready to. I got bad news, Sean. Women are like a... Pug. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr quits. I'm getting tired of putting up with being dragged by everyone in my life and on the internet she moves. All I want is to make music. That's all she wants, Sean, not to prance around like the blueberry from Willy Wonka and play James Madison's flute at the concert and sit courtside at the Lakers wearing a dental floss at the concert and sit courtside at the Lakers wearing a dental floss through her butt crack.

All she wants is to very, just to very, is to lead a- When will the people stop making her do all these things? Yeah, she just wants to lead a distinguished life, you know, a quiet life of solitude and make music, make hits, that's it. Put her G string on one leg at a time and make gold records, right?

That's all she's ever wanted. I'm starting to feel all I want is to make music and help the world be a little better than how I found it. A little hungrier than how I found it. But I'm starting to feel like the world doesn't want me in it. I'm constantly up against lies, being told about me for clout and views,

being the butt of the joke every single time Was that she's got? Phrasing is that being the butt being the huge ass of the joke every single time because of how I look My character being picked apart by people who don't know me and disrespecting my name. I didn't sign up for this shit I quit so she quit and what? Instagram whatever quitting her diet. Quitting her diet. Yeah, this turned out is April Fools Her name is Lizzo B eating And she's upset that people are making fun of how fat

she is I see. Is that it's like Is that track? Is this an April Fools thing? No, this happened a couple days ago. Did it? Man, I hate April Fools. Yeah, I, yeah. Companies ruined it with their bullshit. Yeah.

I forgot it was, it was April Fools. Forgot it was April Fools. It is April Fools. This is not an April Fools joke, I'm afraid. Oh. So I don't know. What are we gonna do with, we don't have Lizzo to roll around anymore. I don't know!

There'll be another. Is John Candy still alive? There's always another, well, you know, B could be getting... What are we gonna, what, we don't have Lizzo to roll around anymore. I don't know. There'll be another. Is John Candy still alive? Well, you know, B, can we get... What are we gonna, what are we supposed to do? Just, uh... Direct all of our, uh... AI John Candy.

We need an AI, we need a computer that can be a fat woman, that can take the abuse, like a Batman. But a fat woman, that's a cyborg, you know? So, like the Dread Pirate Roberts, we need a fat woman celebrity that fat women can pass to each other. That the mantle down the line of fat women when they get too burnt out, you know? So we can keep hating the same fat woman forever

and not have to deal with this emotional, like I like having Big Fat Lizzo always around yeah you know she could have just passed the suit down the moniker down I see to another one right and we don't have to deal with I have to deal with feeling like oh should we too are we too mean to Lizzo do I miss Lizzo do I need that is? Is she like the joker to us? You know, do we need this relationship? Do you think that's a good idea? Yeah. Yeah. Invention, I think.

Kind of, I'm picturing things. You're picturing Lizzo taking her clothes off to pass to another fat... Where are we gonna find another fat lady, though? I guess that's a problem with Shirley. There's no other woman that's 350 pounds. Not that I've seen. Singing about her vagina. Wearing next to nothing.

No matter what. That'll probably be tough to find, right? Maybe if we start looking now. Lizzo's Big Girls, remember that show? No. Well, you're good. You shouldn't, because you were leading a hate mob of harassment against Lizzo by thinking that was a weird name. Okay.

Is that menopause you think is causing her to say these terrible things? I don't think she's that old, is she? She's that fat, though. Oh. Compounds. Well, I mean, you know, like... Yeah, doesn't obesity, it can fuck up, like like your endocrine system, can't it? Everything.

Like hormone levels and all that kind of stuff. It fucks everything up. Yeah. How about this one? How about this two-headed wife? You think you got it bad. I do. This guy married a...

Oh, these girls. Yeah. I know these girls. What do you think about that? This guy married this two-headed woman. Really? I don't know which one he married Yeah, this one looks like her mom

Doesn't it call man? What a nightmare? Yeah, I mean, you know my mom she died in a car crash They showed her head onto my still alive. You always wonder There's no way they have a normal life expectancy sharing certain, you know organs and all that kind of stuff It's double what if they live like a turtle and finding Nemo? I don't think so. Two hundred years. How old are these? Are they like 30? Something like that? Late 20s?

I don't know, but I think they're a teacher. They're a teacher? Yeah. Yeah. Come on. It's hilarious. Every kid in the, come on baby, right? The great, come on, let me get, Every kid in the, come on baby, right?

The great, come on, let me get, there's two heads, come on! Man, that has gotta be such a strange existence. How you think you get to fucking marry these two? I don't know. You're fucking them both all the time? Well, you know, the original, like they called them Siamese twins because they were the original guys,

you know, you see in the, you see the famous photographs and stuff. They both married and had kids. Oh, they did? Did they marry another Siamese person? No. No? No.

I don't believe so. Married one guy, at least like, did she get a hall pass the other one, you think? Well, how much bra they go on dates? How much bragging is he doing? I only have threesomes. Yeah I don't know. I don't know about that. Or do you think he keeps it quiet?

No, he was out. Let me see. Let me get a picture of him. You can tell me what you think of him. He's an army guy of course. Wow. Two headed woman, married. Insult, yeah.

Conjoined, twins. Yeah, here we go. Nice looking chap, huh? See, this just goes to show you, anybody can be a total freak. This guy, what a, he looks like a, he looks like Mad Cucks actually. But down inside, he's doing degenerate things.

You know what? Fucking good for them. More power to him. Good for them. I hope he's not, I hope he's not like a fucking psycho deep down. He slaps them both? Do you think he just hits one

or he carries it all the way through? He's like, well it's like like he gets it practice three stooges Get some both yeah Give them two high pokes. Yeah. Yeah Does he incorporate twin stuff into their lovemaking like this one's for you. This one's for you I don't know That's I mean, that's it. That's just got to be a wild scenario Yeah, I mean look it's like and I you wonder you know, like how much like have they dated

You know, like how many how many guys have gone out with them? Like these are all serious questions. have. I've wanted, I want legitimately curious. This is the most I've ever wanted to know about something. Yeah. Okay, please get them on. I've seen like a Discovery show on them like maybe 10 years ago. You have? Oh yeah, yeah.

They got that. They seem very normal and well adjusted. I mean, they weren't like sheltered away when, you know. Like a circus? Yeah, yeah. I mean, they've seen it. Gotta get these girls on the... They seem to have lived about as normal a life as you can

with that happening to you. They should put this on Love is Blind. It'd be better than the huge women they have on there now. Do you think that he thinks he just married like one girl and like they're just telling him that his eyes are uncorrectable and his glasses are really bad. That's the trick.

You know, like you just see. They just say that? Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. Well, good for you, buddy. I hope that works out for you. Yep.

Okay, let's see. Oh, California's got a $20 minimum wage. That just make people kill themselves who are like, I just can't find anybody and I can't get married and it's like these... Who, women? Well, just whoever. Oh man, I've got a funny one for you. Oh yeah? Yeah, see if you can tell me what the problem is on this one.

Oh shit, it might be hard to find. Finding it might give it away. Should I not look? No, I don't even know where it... Uh, I might not have saved it. There was this woman saying that her friend gets ghosted all the time and makes a bunch of money and she

just doesn't know why and she has a beautiful face and everybody in the comments is like, fat fat fat fat she's fat she's fat and then she ended up like quitting the internet mmm how dare you guys it's all you ever think about did they do you saw there was a picture no but just she got all pissed off when everyone said it's cuz she's fat right well I mean there $20 minimum wage. Prices are already going up. Sure.

I mean, they've been going up fucking anyway. Now they'll just go up more. Now they're going up by 20 bucks. Yeah, great. It's really wild to get in the mind of these free money people. Yeah. Vito's on about how he, this guy killed himself

and Vito has this insight. This comic guy killed himself. Who was it, anybody famous? Not knowing that I knew. But I'm acting like he's my best friend, you know, because I like to guilt people. But it just, like I'm more curious if it's somebody famous. Like it's not somebody who just ended it.

Like what a shithead I am. Oh, who gives a shit? It's a normal person, it happens all the time. It does, unfortunately. But somebody famous is like, wow, the fame wasn't, it didn't help you at all? No, yeah. At all?

Yeah, yeah. It didn't help at all? You liar, yeah, you know? No, that's true, we do wanna know. I know why non-famous people wanna kill themselves. Right. Right? I'm not curious at all, but. Fair point.

A guy with a two-headed wife, why does he wanna kill himself? That's interesting to me. I don't have that perspective already, right? Well, he gets accused of tuning out twice as many conversations. How does that argument go? What a fucking nightmare. Does one mediate occasionally? If they're like, well, I don't think... Probably the guy, honestly.

Oh, you think they fight all the time? How could they not? I don't know man. I think it... I could be making this up, but I do think they have each control their side. No way. I believe so. So they have fights with each other? With their hands? That's what I sincerely hope. Yeah, I hope that too.

That would suck if one is just along for the ride. No, I think they do have at least some control of different parts. Ummm... What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the $20 thing. The artist killed himself. An artist? I thought he was a comedian. No, Ed, he's like a comic book guy.

I'm all into comic book movies now. Oh, oh, a comic art, okay. Yeah, his name was Ed Piscore. Let me see if I have that right. This girl. Did Vito know her? No, well, E.V.S. probably knew him, but I don't know. He killed himself on April Fool's Day?

Are we sure that he's fucking dead? What a fucking idiot. That's what I thought. Killed himself on April, come on, man. Can't wait a day. Oh, he had allegations. Don't worry, things are gonna be worse tomorrow. You have to kill yourself on April Fool's Day? You're kind of taking a little bit of the wind out of it.

After sales. Every day is better than the next. Remember that. Every day of what? Life? Life. Every day is better than the next. It gets worse every day. Tomorrow it'll be even worse. Don't worry. You're still going to want to kill yourself tomorrow.

Don't worry about it. I promise. If I'm wrong, you come back and kill me. But I promise, tomorrow's worse. Allegations against... Yeah, so this girl, this little art hoe, she dropped all these DMs. She's 21. She dropped all these DMs that she had with him when she was 17. And it's like stupid shit. Like, oh, we could do like some, you're a naughty girl and stuff like that. Yeah.

I mean, he's obviously trying to fuck her, but he didn't say anything crazy. Right, did he know how old she was? Uh, I think so, but age of consent is 16 where they live. Yeah. So everything they're doing is- I know, it's a lot more common than people, everybody, we got 18 pounded into our brain by Hollywood

Well an age of consent is most of America is 16. Is it most? Yeah Most of America and definitely most of the world. Yeah, I think if you throw the world in there might drop to 13. Yeah Which I don't think I don't think it's a good idea to be Texting 17 year old girls. No because I'm not out here Optics people. Yeah, it's bad news. It's bad news. It's like what I said. No good can come from me saying the N word. Yeah, not illegal, but yeah. There's no reason for me to ever say it in any circumstance that's going to be good. It's like, well, well, you see the context. It's like, no, it's not, it is never going to work for me.

Not even as a joke. No, right? No. Don't take it back, don't do anything. Nope. Don't text it to 16, 17 year old girls. I'm fine with that. 16, I'd be a little like, ooh man, you gotta,

that's a pretty weird, 17? Yeah, I don't give a, that's about, that's close to the last on my list of shit that I want to stop. Oh, wow! You were texting a little hoe? A little art hoe who's trying to get a leg up, and then four years later decided to fuck you over by releasing all these, uh, pretty tame texts, as far as texts are concerned. Nothing like, oh my god, your body. So just like, weird shit. Right. So she grandstands about it. Makes so just like weird shit. Right.

So she grandstands about it, makes a big deal about it. Yeah. Right. Look at this, look at this trauma. You guys see Nickelodeon basically happen to me. Yeah. And then all these people melt down because they want us all dead at the end of the day. So he kills himself.

Yeah, damn. And they're all celebrating, of course. Jesus. Even when he's dead, he still didn't take responsibility for his actions. I think that's pretty take, I think that's about as far as you can take the responsibility.

Yeah. Blow your fucking head off. That's about as far as responsibility can be taken. So just the texts. Why don't you guys try it sometime? There's no allegations of anything more than just- No, no, no, definitely nothing else happened. Wow. Just texts.

Just texts, bro. Wow. Because of like Justin Roiland, right? He was texting that 16-year-old girl and then everybody... Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Taggers come out. Yeah.

Not good behavior, but also, I don't give a fuck. Well, 17-year-old Ho knows exactly what she's fucking doing. Oh, I love you, you're my idol. Can I get some things done? Oh, yeah. Can I get some attention from you? Yeah. Because I'm not retarded. Yeah

It's just dumb on the part of the texter, you know the guy. Yeah, especially if you are gonna kill yourself You know, I probably didn't know how he would react, you know No, look if you're gonna it's okay. You're gonna text 17 year old girl. Don't argue the yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's legal You just got that there's there will be no into that don't worry like in a week Everybody will fucking forget. Some people go fuck themselves over problem over. Oh, yeah, I did it. I did it anyway I knew it was wrong. I did it anyway. Fuck you. Tarantino when they say hey You shouldn't say the n-word and you're fucking me each shit. Go fuck yourself. Fuck yourself He didn't do that. He chose to fuck himself.

Always, always fuck other people. That's the lesson. Especially if you're doing bad stuff. Oh yeah, I did it anyway. Fuck you! No one's wrong, did it anyway. Fuck you! Fucking eat a pickleball, dick.

Pickleball, you cocksucker. I'm gonna do it again. You guys don't stop harassing me. I'm gonna go talk to more 17 year old girls on Instagram who messaged me first. How do you like that? So basically now you are responsible for the harassment that's happening.

I hope you're happy with it. If one person, if I get one more comment about my behavior, I'm going straight to Instagram, I'm finding- Holding the entire internet at ransom. I'm finding the most ambivalently aged hoe on there and I'm DMing her. And I'm gonna say we could you're a you're a naughty girl. Right. So you know I've been watching

Hamas I know how it works. Yeah. You see Israel said they're gonna release 800 hostages or something? I didn't see. Wait. 800. Let me get the exact number. That was a lot. I don't know. Oh, wait. 800. Let me get the exact number. Are there how many? That was a lot. I don't know if Israel's up to their old number game. It was how many are living? Yeah, we're going to send them back in bits and pieces. They're sending them.

800 hostages, they said. Oh. And what's that? Well, what's the I mean, when you release hostages. For 40. They weren't going to release 800 prisoners. For 40 over there? For 40 of those hostages, right?

Yeah. And so why didn't you do that on day one? What are you waiting? Yeah. What do you mean you're gonna do it now? And I'm wrong for saying, well, why didn't you do that on the first day? Oh yeah, we want those hostages back.

Here's a bunch of your guys. Yeah, right. People are like, well yeah, cause it's like releasing killers. Well, you're not the hostage. You know? Yeah. Of course, right. People are like, well yeah, cause it's like releasing killers. Well, you're not the hostage. You know? Yeah. Of course, right away.

What do you guys want? You want some hostages? Yeah. You want some of our hostages? You want your, I mean, you've... You wanna get the... Everybody likes playing around when they're not the hostage. Get the people back.

And then... Then go and do whatever you're gonna do. Yeah. Oh shit, you got all those people? Forty people, or however many people?. And then- Then go nuke them. Do whatever you're gonna do. Yeah. Oh shit, you got all those people? Forty people, or however many people? Whatever you guys want. Pretend you're not mad.

Whatever, what do you want? You want all your prisoners back? Yeah. You know what? That actually makes it more convenient for us because we're gonna nuke Gaza as soon as we- Right. So-

Oh, we're gonna get, yeah. Hey, we're alive. Now- Eight hundred? No, no. Take all of them. Here's all the prisoners. Right. Here we go. Here you go.

Now have a nice long hug. Count to 10. Right. And then if you hear a weird shhh sound in the air, that's just prison sickness. Getting to you. Don't look up. We sent over a bunch of fans. Yeah.

We're dropping more aid on you. On your heads. Yeah. Right. What's wrong with people? How come they can't think like clearly? Off the hostages right away. Oh shit 40 people We need those people back because because drop a bunch of nuclear bombs on you guys and then turn your beach farm property It's a condos and take all your natural gas pretty fucking simple because you don't have kill them no Government on earth we're gonna kill 10,000 kids. Oh, that's dumb!

You didn't even get any fucking hostages back! Because no government on earth values human life first, second, or third. I don't! And that's the long and the short of it. But it's just not a good plan! Well, no. My plan is way better! Sure. Get those people out.

But they're like... Then kill them all. The government goes... Way easier. What people? Yeah. This is just like... This is just... this is just we can't give those people we don't negotiate with terrorists negotiating it's a trap it's like Looney Tunes cartoon yeah Bugs Bunny's not negotiating with Elmer Fudd he's bending his gun around

right so frustrating it's like they're afraid that they'll look weak if we negotiate with terrorists it's like no they're afraid that they'll look weak. If we negotiate with terrorists, it's like, no, you're going to kill them. We know who's going to win. Doesn't matter how you look to people that are dead. Let them think they're doing good. Just a little bit of fun. Oh yeah, so this guy kills himself because of the mob that's going after him. A mob that he participated in.

That he participated in the I don't want to, you know. That he participated, you mean, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's participated in the past, of course. Right, right, right. But then a lot of people participate in these mobs just because they're terrified not to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah. Like, Communist China and North Korea.

Sure. They're the ones beating up their neighbors. Yeah, they're bad. I mean, I agree that they are bad, but fear makes people do insane things. Right. Turn on their friends. Absolutely. Most people don't have the wherewithal to just say like, yeah, I texted her, fuck you. Yeah. True. Because not, not castigating people is guilt. Mm-hmm.

So, uh, Vito says, oh they all want us, these people just legitimately want us dead and I'm like, yeah, have you not been paying attention? Yeah. Stop voting for them. Did he, uh, did he know him or anything? No. No. No. Then he goes, well, I can like, yeah, have you not been paying attention? Yeah, stop voting for them Did he did he know him or anything? No, no, no, and he goes well, I can't I I'd want I want Free money though, so I can't vote for no, okay alright, well Just don't text any don't text anybody who you shouldn't be texting and There's always rules. Come up with a better excuse than I'm just gonna kill myself, you know? Like, oh man, a guy stole my phone and was pretending to be me. I got hacked, man. That's all fucking hacked. So you want to

like try that first? Yeah. I was hacked for a month. Right. And they were texting you. Yeah. I don't remember any of this. Right. And they were texting you. I don't remember any of this. You know? Easy. Just call me. If you're thinking of, you know, you're in this situation, obviously. Give me a call.

I'll talk you out of it. I don't care. You shouldn't either. Okay. Let's see here. I've got the FBI going to people's doors for tweets. Cool. Does that sound fun?

Yeah, well, I mean, you know, they've been doing that. Sound like John Brand. They've been doing that shit. Sure. Where are we? They show up and want to see, like, do you own a rice cooker? You know, like that kind of stuff. Oh, yeah.

Is that what they're doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because people, you know. The FBI came to my house over a tweet. Not cool. My pinned tweet is still up. What was it? Was it something about trans visibility day?

Oh, no. This is an FBI guy? Really? Look, he's wearing a polo shirt. Not even a fancy one with the little slits on the side. Is it April Fool's day again? No, no, none of this is April Fool's. So, okay, this is at work.

Is there a chance I can make an arrangement to come back and talk to her? Or what's it about? It's about the Baton Rouge subject. It's about a tweet. That's an FBI agent? Yeah. So they don't show up in like black suburban- Suits anymore, like Mulder and Scully?

No, you don't even get, they show up in khakis in a baby blue polo shirt. Did he get out of a fucking Amazon van? Cause that's what he looks like he's driving around. Like, I don't know how the FBI. DHL? Yeah, I don't know if they, how, oops. Sorry.

How well they pay these days. Jesus, what? What does this, what does this person get got for? Apparently this is happening a lot, man. The FBI? Well, yeah, as more people, uh... You know, people... Do what?

Well, no, just people say stuff, then they just investigate more stuff, you know? Is that crazy? Yeah, like, no... What are you fucking... What are you... What's the point of this? Uh... Put people in jail for doing normal stuff, right? I don't know crazy

Need you to identify yourself and let me take imagery So what we'd like to do I didn't look at your credentials again. I didn't verify them I told you to wait and I went inside. Okay, that's correct What we'd like to do is just have a conversation with you about some social media posts that you've made. Oh. Right. What? Mm-hmm.

What? Social media posts that you made? Yeah. The fuck are you talking about, man? Yeah, they'll- You can say anything you want online. They will show up for that shit. Oh. You willing to talk to us today about that?

No, I would not. I would like you to later... Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Visit after visit after visit. Oh, mama mia. Gotta stop this shit. Gotta stop! Put a stop to this shit. Here's one. Microsoft urges developers not to create female characters with

quote, exaggerated body proportions in their official. Yeah. Good shit. We don't want that. No. God forbid anyone have an erection ever again. We got two-headed, can we put a two-headed woman in a video game? Is that allowed? Borderline.

The Lizzo thing's just really... Got you down? In fact, Yeah, it got me down. Here's how London celebrated their Trans Visibility Day. Let's see here. Look at that. Mm-hmm. This is how they celebrated. That's a hell of a flag. On Trans Visibility Day, we celebrate London's trans community as they strive to live authentically

unless they crammed another more shit in here. This is built on the back of the gay rights flag, right? I mean- As a gay guy, as a mistaken for gay guy, I now have a claim to this flag. Now there's all kinds of... Black people got on there twice. So black people are just gayer than hell,

according to the mayor of London. I don't think he's allowed to say that. He's not black. Just gay? Yeah, he's... Yeah. I think he's Indian, so his shade of brown isn't even on here.

This is Mexicans, I think. I don't know, I think everybody except black people just gets a generic brown. Yeah. Which is not cool. No, no. But that's what it is. You got two black, two black chevrons pointing in. Oh, maybe I guess they could squeeze some more in here.

No, wait, this is trans visibility But is this yeah, this is this is this encompasses minorities to does the black actually stand for black people or is it another? Is it another group like you know, do you mean is it black or is it like another sexuality? Yes That's what I know. It's black people at least Okay, I don't know if it means black people or black and trans people. Oh, I suspect it just means all black people Okay, but because I don't know why black people weren't covered by I don't know I dragged black trans people weren't already covered by the other trans stuff. Yeah Yeah, I don't know. Oh

They didn't allow any replies. That's too bad Usually a couple replies squeak through before they could turn them off Yeah, I guess they really had their finger on the pulse on that one yeah do you think they should come in with another black chevron on the top or the bottom or should they do both at the same time and blow any chance in the future of adding more shit to the flag mmm well what do you think I you know I don't know I just think that is a horrible design. That has got to be one of the most hideous flags

I have ever seen. Just a design standpoint. It's almost the Confederate flag. Why is it on it? It looks, it's terrible. To chevrons that don't meet. It's terrible. In the middle, yeah.

Huh, I don't know. Probably at the same. Frankly- Because if they came in from just the top- People who belong to those groups deserve better than that. Yeah, they do. That is a dog shit flag. If they came in from just the top,

it would look like angry eyebrows. If they came in with another black one. And if they came in with the bottom, it would look like a trout face. Oh yeah, yeah. I have to do both at the same time. Or like a tarpon. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, with it, right.

And then they would get made fun of, so we don't want that. No. Let's see. The BART train. The BART, Bay Area Rapid Transit. That's the one they solved. They solved the sexual harassment.

Oh, they did. They did, pretty cool. Pretty cool that they did this. Someone is harassing you is a new initiative. Also, I want to remind you, this is not April Fool's stuff that I'm bringing in. This is before, see, April Fool's. Okay.

If someone is harassing you on the subway, you can give someone a little card that encourages- I'm deaf, would you like to buy a fucking pencil buddy, eraser fucking thing? I don't know why the person who made these has never seen that. That's never happened to them, I guess. Yeah.

I'm being raped. Would you like to buy one of my pencils for a dollar? Uh, it says... It's a You Got Me card. Mm-hmm. Uh, and it says... There's a rose on it. Which is another scam that people do to try to unload shit on you. Uh, You Got Me? It says in old English like medieval times font. Also bafflingly. You got me? Someone is harassing me right now.

Can you stand with me while this is happening? If I ask, would you text Bart Police at the number? Use the Bart Watch app? Or you gotta install an app because someone because someone gave you a card. I think that's a little much. Yeah. I mean all kinds of things could go on between you know the time you download that and sign in and do all that kind of shit. Yeah signing in they probably make you make a new account instead of using the Google Connect. Right. Right. Because it's probably made with government contractors like oh well I was going to stop you from getting raped but I'm not setting up a new account. I would have used the Google Connect, right? Cause it's probably made with government contractors. Like, oh, well I was gonna stop you from getting raped,

but I'm not setting up a new account. I would have used Google sign in. Or contact the train operator for me. What if you're only willing to do one of those? Kind of rolling the dice. Yeah. Like I'd be willing to stand with you. Train operator intercom is by the exit door on the new three-door train cars or below

the train. There's a lot to read while someone's getting groped in a subway. So they took the angel shot. Women love that so much. That myth of you can go to the bartender and order an angel shot. Wait, what? You didn't know about this urban legend? Oh, no, I thought you were talking about something. No, if you, women always post this stupid thing where they say if you go to a bartender and ask for an angel shot, the bartender will like call the cops for you and know that you're, that you think you're, you're getting raped or something. Really? Is there a bartender network that knows about all this? No. And it's probably the bartender who's molesting you.

It's conceivable. It could be. Oh, I don't know who you're gonna ask for that angel shot from. But that went over so well, the whole city decided to make these fake I'm getting harassed cards. Interesting.

Let me see what that one says. Our story. This is the back. Yeah. Well, the back shouldn't have anything on it. If this is not one more girl, if they wanted you to read the card and help, they should have put the same thing on the back of the card.

Cause this is someone's about to be murdered and raped. You don't want to fuck around with websites and like call to action buttons. Right, and also, I mean, she's probably nervous. Hand you the card upside down and you're just like, that's the side I'm supposed to read. Yeah, lady, what are you giving me this card with a QR code for, right?

And she's like, turn it over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turn around? Why do you want me to turn around? Nothing behind me, what are you talking about? Am I supposed to put this card over here? What are you doing to me, lady? I'm going home from work, right? Learn more about the effort. Just a picture of a rose.

Take the survey at Bart.gov slash courage. Um... Well, man, the last time somebody stood up for someone on the subway they got thrown in prison for it Yeah, do you guys remember that? Yeah Daniel Penny was that his name? I don't know the name but yeah that white guy that took down a Schizophrenic fentanyl addicted whack job who was threatening to murder people. He put him in a headlock You know you went ahead and sent the New York Police Department in to arrest him Mm-hmm, and then half of the internet, the stupid half of the internet,

the stupider half of the internet decided that they want him hanged and killed, and that he was a racist. So anybody who gets one of these cards, if they don't just shove it right back in the person's face, they're a fucking idiot. There is no reason. No good deed goes unpunished. Yeah, there was never a reason to get involved in anyone else's life and altercations and problems.

And there is much less of a reason now. If you don't have a memory. Because everybody will show out of context video footage and you'll be hung by a... Yeah, oh, I stopped that rape. Well, you tweeted about... Hanged by a public opinion. Uh-huh.

You had this one tweet back in 2009. It was a little bit of a... It was a Chris Rock joke, but you said it online. So you're getting the electric chair. I've been saying that for years. It's that you're always that person. You couldn't possibly have grown or learned anything. You deserve to not have a rest of your life.

Yeah, here's the other. Oh, this one says I got you. Oh, there's a, there's a, there's a, This one's yellow for some reason. An accompanying model. So you're gonna have two busy bodies. Oh, I see. Do you need someone to stay? Oh. Oh man is the this is the real you give the nose a victim

right before you give them one of these cars nosy night yeah the nosy night yeah I got you do you need someone to stand with you right now it appears that you were being harassed yeah this is what you just asked me to call someone mm-hmm not one more girl. So this is you give to someone and then you harass them and then when the cops show up you're like, I was trying to give her one of these cards. She looked, yeah. She looked like she was being harassed.

Okay. Uh, they're free if you were thinking that they were gonna- Seemed to be in a fight with a plate of chicken wings. These two women will show you how to get them. Bystander intervention cards. Hello, excuse me, will we be able to have some bystander intervention cards, please? Yeah, sure, hang on. Sorry, what, stanter?

Bystander. Hello, excuse me, will we be able to have some bystander intervention cards, please? Why don't you learn English, you dumb bitch? Aple to have some bystamper. Will we be able to have some by stamper? Are you an alien? No one's gonna fucking harass you talking like that. Right. They'll be like. Yeah sure hang on. They couldn't give this dummy any screen time they had to put a schedule right there. Right in her face. Thank you so much. So this card over here is for when you're being harassed.

It says, you got me. So you'd hand it to somebody else. And it gives them instructions on how they can help you. If you see someone being harassed, you can also give them this, I got you card, which gives them instructions on the back to find the BART police or call someone or more instructions on how to be safe. I really appreciate it. I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. which gives them instructions on the back to find the BART police or call someone or more instructions on how to be safe. I really appreciate these cards because they gave me a concrete way to deal with an unsafe situation.

I'm not very equipped to deal with them on my own. And so these cards- Cause I don't have a gun and would never have one. I'd rather have a magical card. Oh boy. This girl couldn't take her fucking headphones off to record the- I'm gonna call in a favor from somebody I don't know.

Yeah. Who else could come up with something like that? Okay, thank you ladies. I'm glad you figured it out. Let's see here. I don't know if any of this stuff is Putin on war? What time? Oh man, we got to get to the comments already. Did anybody call in? I know it's late, but some people were gonna say something if you said you were going to call in today in the general chat and I'll make sure to get you on. Yeah, okay, here we go. Let's get to some comments.

Furminator, hey Dick, I don't know if you know this, four years ago the nuclear disarmament consultant was an apprentice elementary school teacher. Oh, that explains why I hate her. Well, that tracks, doesn't it? I mean, it's like a kind of a made up industry. Couldn't even cut it as a teacher. Wow, that's low. Right? Yeah. Well, this teaching thing's not working out.

I'm going to go ahead and be a consultant for nuclear disarmament. Rich guys seem to really respond when I tell them that's my fake job. Yeah. Yeah. Because, yeah. When I said teacher, they kind of went, I don't really like the idea of getting up early

for the rest of my life. Schedules kind of suck. Oh, no. Did I say teacher? I'm a nuclear to the rich guy. Oh, yeah. I'm a nuclear disarmament, consult whatever, teller of people how to, oh, okay.

I really responded that. Oh wow. Videos, fuck, he wants me to make a video. Oh yeah. I usually just tweet. I guess I'll put something up. Right. It's funny.

D-Lite, hey dick, got him. All right, let's see what. Got him, what's got him? Let's see what you sent here, my friend. Oh, the Sonic tattoo guy. Okay. I asked Chris the Kiwi to call in today. And? He said no, and then he asked me for a hundred bucks.

And then he said I was selfish. Because I he asked me for a hundred bucks. And then he said I was selfish. Because I wouldn't give him a hundred bucks. But he's fresh out of prison or jail, so I thought it'd be fun. Chris the Kiwi is. Yeah. Yeah. For harassing hookers. God damn. Okay, what is this this guy saying? D-Lite says, um, did I line this up properly? You did not. Oh, he emailed Maddox and said,

I just became aware of this stalker list you made because my best friend from high school, who introduced me to your content, told me I was on it for some reason. He told me you made it based off the old Dick Show Facebook group, which I don't even think has existed in years. I finally got tired of his show like 10 episodes in and completely forgot about it. Me too. I have no idea how I got lumped in with them.

Can you please take me off the list? I have nothing to do with any of those people. His name is D-Light on the email he sent Maddox. By the way, would you link me to anything you've been working on? I was always a bigger fan of yours on Biggest Problem Anyway. I liked Best Debate when it was around. Maddix says, hey D, not sure what name to remove from the list.

I don't see D-Lite on the list. Thanks for the support. And D-Lite says, oh my apologies. It's actually D's nuts. Ha ha hadox, like a fucking idiot. Why would someone care if the joke name D-Lite was on your list, you stupid fuck? Right. Oh, thanks for the support. Yeah, that's funny.

D's nuts, actually. Oh, my apologies. It's D's nuts, bitch. Very funny. Good one. Good one, bitch. Very funny. Ha ha ha. Good one. Good one, bro. Ah.

Ha ha ha. Ah. Let me see if I have any. Just the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it? Ha ha ha ha. Yeah. All right, I've got everyone's favorite woman alert. Okay.

And then we'll talk to the woman alert. The Sonic tattoo guy. He got a Sonic tattoo that you're gonna really find interesting. The hedgehog? Oh, good. I've seen the tattoo. Cool. It's very, it's really interesting.

Let me just say that. Something you really want to look at for a while and see what's going on. This is from Jervis. This cannot be real. Woman nurses baby hedgehog overnight, only to discover it's actually a hat bobble. You don't think that's real? The woman in question took the hedgehog to lower Moss Nature Reserve

and Wildlife Hospital in Cheshire after nursing it. What is it? A peanut brittle in the fucking, that flipped over fast food? Cop lid? She wanted to feed it. She didn't have any other, that was the healthiest food she had in the house. Peanut brittle on a Subway sandwich cap. Upon arrival, manager Janet quickly whisked the baby creature through triage. However, when she opened the box, she discovered nothing but a hat bobble sitting on some newspaper and a little bowl of food. I don't know. Is it, it's a joke on somebody.

Any of the other stuff that we've covered in this segment? That's where it's just getting... No? It's just getting... Woman alert. You think that's crazier than the jug test thing? Woman alert. Tipping it over?

I have no idea. I... It's all fucking crazy. Okay, here's uh... What's this? Here's some ladies at SeaWorld. Yeah. What's going on here?. Oh shit I didn't show everybody the hat bobble. There you go. Looks like a hedgehog. It's an honest mistake don't you think? You know I mean I wouldn't make it. You wouldn't make that? You sure? I mean maybe if it's

late you're tired you've been yelling at somebody all day. Last bit of strength. You know, you've been- Take a hedgehog to the back. Doing emails. Yeah, your last bit of strength. You've been saving all- Break up some peanut brittle from four fucking holidays ago. You've been changing your profile picture online. You had a hard day of hashtagging

your support of various causes. Yeah, that's me. You'd go to take the trash out in a half empty trash bag, because you don't really care about saving trash bags, right? Right. And then you come back into the house after noticing that the lid on the trash can is broken, vowing to complain about it to your boyfriend again, and you almost trip over this poor hedgehog. You don't think you'd run out and get a little box, shoo it in there?

What do you mean, shoo it in there? You got to, you know, it goes in, but yeah, you're all freaked out. I can't see any feet. Give it some nice peanut brittle, and you have yourself a couple of bites of the peanut brittle too, just for your job well done, you had a rough day. Yeah, well you have to show the hedgehog how to eat it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe refill the peanut brittle.

That's why it's in dire straits. Eat all of it. Yeah. See what else you got. I think it's easy to understand how that would happen. Okay. Here's some women trying to save a baby seal. Oh, that's a terrible idea. They've decided to. They are SeaWorld employees

and there is a baby seal on top of a cliff, like Thelma and Louise. I don't know if people know this, but like- Those fuckers bite. Well, it's one of the nastiest bites. They're full of bacteria. It's like, you know, it's like maybe not on the level of like a Komodo dragon,

but you've got to get on some serious antibiotics and shit for a, you know, a pinniped bite. It's not a what? A pinniped? Pinniped, that's like the family, right? Like I think it's a pinniped. I mean, right. What the fuck is a pinniped?

Seals, sea lions, walrus. Sean's Animal Corps. Seal, walrus? That whole, yeah lions, walrus. Sean's animal corner. Seal, walrus? That whole, yeah, that whole group. What other groups do you know? What's like a giraffe? A giraffe? Yeah.

I don't know, what the fuck? Well, there's, well, I can't remember, whatever you call, there's two toad and three toad, or un-fung-kular? Fuck, you didn't know something about that, okay. It's like with hooves, the cloves hooves. Oh, single or two, you know what I mean? Like how some, you know, like a cow has two and like a horse has one.

I didn't know that. Or whatever. I mean, I guess, because of horseshoe. I don't know, that's all I know. Okay, well this pinniped is on top of a cliff. It's like probably a sea lion, I would guess. Like a sea lion pup. A baby sea lion. Don't top of a cliff. It's like probably a sea lion, I would guess. Yeah. Like a sea lion pup. A baby sea lion.

Yeah. And, uh... Don't get bit by that. Uh... Maybe the sea lion knows something about the head of SeaWorld. Like he knows that he's tax fraud or something. Or like, you know, can't... He's cheating on his wife or something.

Keeps animals captive, that kind of... He saw... No, he saw something dirty. Oh. Like Shawshank Redemption. Okay. So the head of SeaWorld is like, oh, I'm gonna send... They're like, oh yeah, that sea lion is in trouble. Should we send our top guys?

And he goes, no, send these two that you're about to see. How would you catch a pinniped if you had to? If it was on a cliff, what would you do? What might you employ? You have all the... I mean, you all have all the resources of SeaWorld at your disposal. I think they usually kind of throw a net over them.

A net. Or a... What kind of a net? Well, also a loop with like a dog catcher thing. Like a dog catcher. Man, right off the top of your head. Yeah, sure. Are you a marine biologist by chance?

No, I am not. You just came up with that. I don't want the head close to the part of my body. Yeah. I want to be able to control it. If you get something around something's neck, you can usually control it. Now you've wrestled a... That's why you're not allowed to tackle that way in football. You've wrestled a dog.

Those fuckers will wriggle away from you if they want to. Yeah, they're pretty... They're very difficult to hold once they get to a certain size. Right. Right? Yeah. And they want to. Yeah, they're pretty- They're very difficult to hold once they get to a certain size. Right. Right? Yeah. And they want to get away. Yeah.

Sea lions are bigger. Right. Even little ones are strong. So what's the last thing you would do to catch a sea lion if you- Like jump on the edge of a cliff. Bear hug it. Jump on it.

Jump on it and bear hug it. Well, let's see what happens here. There we go. That's the, she jumps, she dives on it with her hands right next to the mouth. Grabbing a snake from behind, you know, so it can't turn around and bite you, you know? And you can see here that the other one had a net.

Yeah. The first one, the sea lion's doing nothing. Uh-oh. Oh no. It's going wrong. Now the person with the net is standing there stupidly, I suppose, waiting for a netting opportunity. Yeah. Or waiting for the creature to jump in the net.

Or why is she going to pick it up by the scruff of the neck and put it in the net? Is that what she thought was happening? And it would go like, mm. Right. Like a kitten. Yeah. I read an article that said, actually, prehistoric women may have been better hunters than men. Oh really?

That's what I said. Oh yeah, okay. It just doesn't seem to... Go ahead, catch that. Go ahead. Just walk me through how you grab it. Alright, the seal is... now has escaped the death grip and the woman is just...

It's trying to get away, right? Trying to get away, but it only has a cliff behind it and the woman is just... remains petrified with indecision and possibly fear of getting yelled at by someone. It's just standing there, kneeling there. Now we got another one in there. Kneeling there. Now we got another one in there. Okay, now the woman with the net is, I think they're trying to, one is trying to lift up the seal and put it in,

and put it over the top into a net that has a giant pole attached to it. Yeah. Which you'd want to go like that on top. So it would catch itself. Yeah. But instead they're trying to place it, I think they're trying to pick it up and put it in. Yeah. Hard to say. Right. Just an assumption. Yes, that is what they're trying to do. Lift it up and place it in the net that you're supposed to put on the top of things.

Did she just let it go? I think it wriggled away. Yeah. Oh no. And... Oh no. Oh no And oh Oh, no Oh And they're screaming oh boy that looks like a decent fall. Oh, yeah, that's about a hundred feet Is it that fucking far I mean look at at how high these are and it's only higher where they are.

She's sitting down like she's like, oh my God, it's dead. Oh, it's dead. Oh, yeah. And there's she's got the SeaWorld logo. Hey, maybe switch clothes. Hey, you're supposed to kill them at your park. You're not supposed to let the general public see this happen, right? Take the, take the sweatshirt off. You guys are doing this. Oof.

You know? What are you doing? Uh... Oh no. Does she even have gloves on? That one? Oh no, is he like... or... Oh, is that a guy? Is that a guy? He's got big hands. No, that's a, that's a woman.

What was it, was he like comforting her? Like did you like pat her? Like you did. You did your best. Yeah, you couldn't, no one could have done more. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's all wrong. Oh, okay. Here's a woman that runs a coffee store, I guess. Yeah. This. Yeah, that's right.

She's got a she's just getting some stuff out of the out of the seller. Oh, yeah. Okay, cool. Hand me that, that keg. Hand me that keg of nitro coffee. Yeah, we're going to sell some sell some frappuccinos today. All right, we're about done. Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and leave the hole open.

Oh no. Oh no. Here we have a remarkable. You gotta lock the door when you're doing that shit. Like when you have an open pit. Lock the door, block it in some way. Nobody will come in. Put the lid back in some way. Nobody will come in. Put the lid back on the pit.

Nobody drinks coffee in America. Nobody's addicted. I can't say for certain that I would see a chasm in front of a door. You're not expecting it. It's not something you feel like you should have to watch out for. When you're walking in the forest, your instinct makes you look down for tree roots. But when you're walking into a coffee shop, you're not looking for that. You have a reasonable expectation that the floor is solid and flat and that you will

not trip over something. Okay. Okay. Well, let's see what happens. Oh! I definitely don't think I would! All the way down! Like an emergency shoot out of a space shuttle! Jesus! And then she, uh, this woman hasn't noticed that anything has happened. The front door is open, perhaps by a ghost.

Looking around. Wait, what? That's odd. Playing with her hair. Oh, she's going to fix my hair. Huh, weird. Huh. Meanwhile, that person's fucking snapped in half. Yeah, down there.

Oh, jeez. What happened here? Oh, wow. Oh my god. There you go. Oh my god. Thank you all for sending those in. What a terrible place to put that, too.

A hole in the floor? Right in front of the door? Yeah. That's a pretty stupid place. That was probably not originally a coffee shop, too. A hole in the floor right in front of the door? Yeah, you know that was probably not originally a coffee shop too. What place needs a hole right in front of the door? I don't know maybe it was a Jiffy Lube. Yeah okay. Alright is Shock Mouths here? Let me see Shock Mouths are you there? I'm really interested in this tattoo that you have. Is this Sonic? Yeah. Unmute yourself.

I don't think you're suppressed. But we have had problems in the past. And we'll have problems in the future. I have an erotic story too. Oh, really? I'm pissed at Chris the Kiwi for not calling in. When do you think? He said it wouldn't be good for him.

But he was in jail for 90 days for harassing prostitutes. Oh, there we go. Hey, what's up? Oh, are you Australian? Yeah, yeah, I'm really disappointed Chris isn't calling in because he hates me. Oh, he does? Oh, I'm going to tell him. Call him a name or something if you want and I'll email him right now that someone is calling

his names on the show. Too many names to think of. Just over a year ago, I followed his Twitter and then instantly he goes through my following list and starts hitting on all the women. And I said, can you not? Like this woman's like 21 years old. She looks like she's 12. Please don't do that.

And then he just went bananas and crazy and tried to figure out where I lived. And do you live close to him? Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, close to him? Yeah, no, no, no, no way close. I'm trying to find him He he sent me a picture of his or a video of his asshole To show me what he sent to a girl That I was following I Said okay, that's awesome. Man. You got me. All right, let me see. See what he says to me, Sean? I think you should give me money if I'm hungry,

regardless of whether I call in. Just goes to show you don't care much or have a conscience. You're supposed to feed him now? Is that? Yeah, what should I say? I can feed you these nuts. I can feed you deez. So he's hungry.

If you call in right now can feed you these. So he's hungry. Call in right now. There you go. See if he says, yeah, see if he says, these what? Okay. Okay. Wow. Shockmouth, what should we call you? Is that your name you go by? Mitch. Shockmouth, whatever. Alright. Yeah. Mitch, do you want to post your tattoo? I put the webcam on so I can just show you. Oh shit, okay. Let me see. So you want to post your? Your tattoo I put the webcam on so I can show you okay. Let me see So, you know, it's real right? Yeah, I want it. I want everyone to get a look at it though Are you allowed to show this on rumble? Sean doesn't know what it is exactly. You know, we're probably not so I'm not gonna No, I'm not gonna risk. All right. Well don't put on rumble

Make sure Sean can see it and Sean. This this will horrify you. We've actually met. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, right on. All right. You ready? I'm trying to show me. Look at this. Look at that wonderful tattoo.

It's a very voluptuous Sonic the Hedgehog as a woman with gigantic tits. Right. And the normal everything else the little the shoes yeah I guess she's wearing a bikini how big is that like eight inches pretty big big fucking tattoo on your thigh there I'd say a six inch subway sandwich okay why did you do this possessed you well well it all started nearly five years ago when I would do 12 hour live streams between Christmas and New Year.

And I would as a joke say, oh we get a thousand dollars of donations in this stream. I'll get like this ridiculous Sonic tattoo. And with five concurrent viewers that's fine. That you're not going to hit that. As the years have gone by the concurrent average has gone up but I didn't up the price oh and we how much was the price for the tattoo a thousand bucks thousand US a thousand US dollars over how long? Two grand in my currency. Twelve hours? Twelve hour stream yeah. You know you could have just reneged on it or Or just got a fake one.

I wouldn't be able to say anything again and have people believe me. Yeah. My word is more important to me than that. And I was thinking on this. Uh huh. Are you sure? Merlin or a magician appeared in front of me, right? Yeah.

I was thinking on this after I got it. If a magician appeared and said, Mitch, you can remove that tattoo and all you got to do is inject saline into your balls. I wouldn't do it. I'd keep the tattoo. No, you wouldn't? No, you got to do the ball thing just for fun, man. No.

You'll love it. Just for fun. Do you have a girlfriend or a wife or anything? No. Oh, lucky bastard. But if you do, you got to do the ball thing. They, lucky bastard. But if you do, you gotta do the ball thing. They'll love it. Oh, I thought it was just keep them away from you.

No, giant balls? I mean, no, they go nuts for those giant balls. I mean, I wasn't sure, you know, depending on how your relationship's going where you're just like, no, you know, stop bothering me. It'll improve it. More than couples therapy. All right, good. Just get some saline in your balls.

Sure. That's all women want to hear about. As soon as they catch even a whiff of that story, they're like, tell me about the ball saline thing. They love it. You wouldn't do that. Why this? Why the big titted Sonic? I don't know.

I just thought of it. I didn't think we were going to hit the goal. Yeah. Like the, I had a one at five grand. I said I'd get Sonic bent over spreading his asshole and you know dojangles yeah yeah she popped in because um we go way back and then she was like oh is that all well let me think about it and then you could just like on the stream see my face drop like oh shit No

I think that was achievable too. It's all fun and games. So somebody gets a what spreading his asshole Like there's a funnier. There's a funnier tattoo than a grotesque. It is shocking. Yes Yeah, yeah, so dad loves it though that's like Sure. Hey, can I? Yeah, so dad loves it though. Dad's like, oh nice tits. I'm sure. Hey, can I borrow your leg for a little bit? Can I take your leg into the bathroom with me? Mom was horrified.

Mom was horrified. We were live streaming on the podcast they're doing now recording and realized like, oh shit, mom's back from Africa. Haven't even told her about it. Let's fucking get her in here and get her react to it. And it was pretty mad. She was mortified. How far does it,'s fucking get it get her in here and get her react to it and it was pretty major she was she was mortified how far does it like what was your mom doing in Africa your parents like missionary work or something she was doing a missionary work no no no she went like saw the pyramids and all that

Africa well yeah it's part of Egypt's Africa. That's Africa? I mean, come on. That's Africa. Yeah, not for real Africa. I mean, you don't really think of when you say Africa. Not like the fucking Congo. What do you mean, what do I think of?

No one thinks of the pyramids when you say Africa. Right, right. Well, she went to a couple of countries in North Africa. It's just, that's what I'm saying. Okay, gotcha. That's a cool area. I would go there. Is it?

I would go there, yeah, sure. You gonna get eaten? Do you risk getting eaten if you go there? No. No? No, no, no. Isn't that where Libya is? Yeah. Yeah, it's up there. I might skip Libya a bit. Yeah. Why? Like Morocco over there, like Egypt. I went to Cairo. It was a shithole. Really? You've been there?

Yeah. I had a layover going to Dubai. And I thought I would run out and like see the pyramids really quick. Yeah. Are they that close to the airport? Can you see them in the distance or something? Oh yeah. Yeah. Isn't that like Giza?

I don't know. I thought it was Cairo. Is it Giza? I don't know. Is that the old name for it? I don't know, in the Sphinx and stuff. Yeah. But it's like

I thought it would be a little bit more Majestic like pyramids and the sand and stuff. It's just like put a Sphinx stir on himself almost with a 5,000. Yeah but the Sphinx was all like Kind of gated off and there was it just looks like the slums are budding right up like they take all the pictures of pyramids from one angle. Oh, so you don't see the hobble in the background. Mongrel dogs running around. Yeah, yeah. Really. I wish I would have just you know had the idea in my head. It's better in pictures one of those things. Yeah, yeah better in pictures. Right. And then I pulled my groin or something the stupid camel is bucking around those fuckers are huge

You're on a camel. Yeah, I have pictures of me on a camera They used you know, they used to do that shit at the zoo elephant and camel rides That's the only time I've been on either one of those and not anymore. No, no, no, cuz it's can't do anything anymore Slave labor, you know this Yeah, oh, yeah. No, I know well this fucking break. Yeah What the fuck is a tattoo then? Oh yeah, no I know. You need a fucking break. Sorry, back to Sonic and Tets.

Yeah, your mom, let me see that tattoo again. It's so captivating. Is there a way I can look at it off of your thigh? Yeah, yeah. I put it in general, a link to the tweet where I posted like when it was freshly done. Okay, let me bring that up. How old is this now? This tattoo? I got it on March 1st It's a month. Oh girls seen it yet month old Yeah, like girls that you're having sex with I mean I

Mean, it's it's pretty good, right? I mean I'll retweet it. I don't care Are you gonna get another one like a Goofier one to wash it out. No. no, I'm not doing any of that shit again. I'm not putting any more stupid fucking dares out there. How long did that take? That's it. How long did that take to get done? Oh, the tattoo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. About two to three hours. Yeah, a lot of color, huh? Yeah. It was funny because I've had like 10 sessions in that place before they did my arm. So I went in there thinking like, oh, I know the, I know the drill.

I know what they're going to do. And as soon as I get in there, the receptionist goes, Mitch three o'clock, but she went, oh, you're the Sonic guy. I'm like, what? She goes, you've fucking ruined it for me. I'm like, oh, okay. That was weird. And I go and see my guy, Jack, the tattoo artist and all the other artists are like gathered around and I'm like, what the

fuck is going on here? He's like, I've been waiting for this day for a long time. What do you mean? They're like, yeah. And he points around the shop. They printed out 30 copies of this thing and hidden it all over the shop. Like Elf on a Sh. Really provocative picture. Awesome. I should plug the art. It was done by Mishy. Mishy? Yeah, you know Mishy? No, I don't know Mishy. Probably will after this.

Yeah, she does heaps of... Mishy the Sheep on Twitter. At Mishy the Sheep. She does lots of nude art. So don't show that I see you're wearing a Trump hat make America great no it's a success else what does it say it make a raptor animate again Oh make ego Raptor animate again I heard that name but I don't really know it let's see here I

have a I have an erotic story. Do you want to listen to this erotic story with us, Mitch? Yeah. Okay. Yes. The Dick Show presents. Kind of an erotic time. Erotic story.

What makes you a rage by the way? Oh, you know, I don't know if you have them in your shopping malls, but the people that have like, set up little stalls that aren't real. They're just like fake, but they'll try and sell you their shit and bother you. Wait, what inside a mall in the mall? In the mall, like in the like general walking area, there'll be people set up and

like, Oh, here, take this coupon here, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, if you're a product, if you have to stop me in the middle of my day to sell your product, I immediately know your product's shit. Like, your product should sell itself. Are they coming from home? Or is it like a garage sale? Or are they doing those kiosks where they're selling wheels you could strap onto your shoes and stuff like that? No, they'll be selling vouchers for like paintball fights. Oh yeah, I fucking hate those.

Yeah. We went to the LA fair with Randy last time and they had a they had this wheel that you could spin To get free shit. Yeah, and I don't know I don't remember how Randy was doing it, but he was every time they turned away He would just put the wheel on the biggest prize How stupid are they very stupid? Yeah, I don't I guess no one had ever thought of that before You gotta get you gotta get some more silly tattoos here, Mitch. Oh, I've already got Bowsette.

Oh, let me see that one. It wasn't until after I got it, someone was like, you know, that's a trans character. I'm like, what? No. Oh yeah, I guess There's anything wrong with that well cuz it's like Bowser, but it's a girl all right You just swapped it. Yeah, I guess it is a trans character I didn't know that I slept all day. I didn't see any trans people at all They were supposed to come out to your family and trans visibility day. You're supposed to go home

Come out so you understand what it's like to be them Got it. So you it's like I get it now, right is she gonna do a fake coming out Well, yeah, is that why it's on April Fool's? So you're going to do a fake coming out? Well, yeah. Is that why it's on April Fool's? It was, yeah. And you go, no, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, but I did get a tattoo. Oh, he's not saying that's a tattoo?

Yeah, then they're like, oh, thank God. Okay, thank God. Okay, wait, here's the... Let me find this erotic story. Hey, Dick and Sean, I have a harrowing tale to tell. I already played this one. Harrowing. Yeah, you did.

Back in the nascent days of online dating in 2009, I met a Brazilian girl who said she was a belly dancer. Intrigued, I made plans to meet up with her. She had just moved to Fort Lauderdale from Brazil and her English was elementary while my Portuguese was nonexistent. She had what appeared to be a nice hourglass figure with D cups. I had brought over the most romantic movie I owned, Donnie Darko.

Yeah that's right. You know I've never seen it. There's a lot of people like it. Yeah it's cool I guess. It has that perfect it has that perfect mix of like Intrigue and also being boring as fuck like 40 minutes into it So you can make a move there because you don't want her to be too invested in the movie Yeah, you're like interrupting the movie Interesting. Yeah, that's a good movie for trying to fuck someone with With plans to seduce her throughout the film's running. She of course understood nothing going on in the film and we proceeded to make out. Yeah. Yep.

Throw her off her game. Right? Do you know what's going on here? Confuse her with English. Yes. Yeah. It was sloppy to say the least. Okay.

It felt like a horse trying to eat my face. Oh, okay. That's too bad. There's a question. Let's see. This... Did I miss a part of my story? Yes, I did. Oh, no. This... Ah, this would be a clue of horrible things to come. Uh-oh. She undresses and this is the day that I learned what shapewear was. Oh. Do you know what shapewear is Mitch? No. Is that something to make you look skinnier or

something? Yeah you got it. It's uh. I did? Yeah you can pack about you can pack about half of a woman into one of these shapewear things. You can watch, they do it online. They're like shoveling. It's kind of crazy. Yeah. It's deceitful. It's fraud. They should have to color them like squirt gun caps. You know how you can't have like a real looking squirt gun?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They should color. Orange? Yeah, they should color shapewear with them so you could spot it. Or make it a little radioactive so you can put a detector like a Geiger counter. Have you ever followed like a backhoe driving on the road and they've got the triangular, you know, red?

It's like they should have to wear that somewhere. Something so you can see it. Right. Something so you can ignore it if you're into that, if you're desperate, but something so if you're looking. Is that a front loader? Oh, it's just a woman wearing Spanx. Gotcha. Spanx. I knew it.

Yeah. Her seemingly perfect hourglass figure suddenly collapsed as gravity took hold and I was left staring at what to me seemed like pudding. She could have kept on. Hourglass. A long hour. An hourglass. That's a long hour. An hourglass. That's a long hour.

It's hourglass. Like mashed potato that's too sloppy. Oh, man. It's like a pot of mashed potatoes turned into... I was left staring at, to me, what seemed like pudding. I was repulsed, but I was naked. And I drove an hour to sleep with a belly dancer. Man, I have never seen a skinny belly dancer.

Really? Yeah, have you? I mean, only on like TV. Yeah. I did in an Indian restaurant once. You did? They brought out this belly dancer. Yeah, yeah, she was skinny because she wasn't white.

Oh man. There was this restaurant there was this restaurant in Pasadena that we used to go to for our baseball banquet every year called Burger Continental and for some reason they would have a belly dancer there at night like I don't know if it was I don't even know what kind of races

have belly dancers in their totality so I don't know what it was. They had hamburgers and then a belly dancer would come out. Gotcha. And every time I was like, yeah, jazzed up, but every single fucking one, I'm like, oh, man. Looking back, they were probably much skinnier than girls today, but... Yeah, and I don't know how much you can expect from a burger place, belly dancer. Belly dancer-wise?

I mean, that's, you know... Well, The Simpsons got me all... Those two things don't go together. Yeah. The Simpsons got me all hyped up, thinking that belly dancers were very skinny after Homer got caught by Bart's spy camera. Right. Like the third episode. Right.

But I was disappointed anyway. But I was naked and I drove an hour to sleep with a belly dancer. I steeled my resolve and got to it. We move to the bedroom and she turns on the TV. Her roommate would be home soon and she thought that would be the polite thing to do. Only it was the Disney Channel she had on. Oh boy. Okay.

Trying to fuck Ursula the Sea Witch while the Disney Channel's on in the background. Now she doesn't speak English, so to her it's just white noise. But to me, I'm hearing every bit of insane cartoon dialogue and it's severely affecting my focus. What was on the Disney Channel in 2009? You got me. Well it was Disney... it would have been Disney Channel 2009. High School Musical. Oh yeah, here we go. Ah, come on, come on, come on.

Give me all this sh- and it's all blank. Thanks a lot, guys. The Suite Life! Uh... Zack and Cody. What? The Mommy and the Swamy, sure. A new episode of the Mommy and the Swamy. Have you seen that Nickelodeon documentary, by the way? No, no. I haven't. I'll see it, but I haven't seen it yet.

Have you seen it, Mitch? No. No? It's really amazing. They've got Dan Schneider, who seems like a total asshole. Like, you know, just like a normal Hollywood asshole, right? No. And then they've got a bunch of child actors who seem confused about that child acting is not like a path to success.

They're all crying about how they were just fired and like treated like not big stars. Well, yeah, because they age out of every role that they, that's what a child actor. Yeah, and they're not any good. So it's like, well, just replace it with another kid who's willing to be here at five in the morning. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. And they're all... It's something they should definitely know as adults. You understand a kid getting really upset about getting fired off their TV show, but an adult, it's like, man, what do you... They had a guy... This is supposed to be the big expose of Nickelodeon.

There's a black guy who's crying about having been a token black guy on the comedy show. Yeah. Whose character was called Big Nose Man, and he had like noses on his, as a kid's show, his power was having a big nose and he could smell. He's got a big prosthetic nose on. This is a live-action show? Yeah all that. He had a big prosthetic nose on and he had big fake nose decorations on his shoulders.

And some like spikes or something? Yeah just like he had big nose. He was themed as like Batman but big nose man so anywhere you have a bat it's like big nose right? Stupid. Stupid right? Kids love that shit. His interview is... Kids are stupid. They are. His interview is him saying that those are all huge cocks that he had on his uniform and that isn't Nickelodeon sick for putting... Taking the poor little black kid and sticking huge cocks all over him. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? Those are... Some people are... Nickelodeon was not putting huge cocks all over somebody's looking for something to you

know yeah it's that it's that it's shit like that a bunch of adults really crying about being child actors getting fired yeah it's a bunch of it's a bunch of women crying about being treated poorly which they were but you know so you're gonna write a fucking expose on that welcome to Hollywood right you should have complained you, which they were, but you know, so you're gonna write a fucking expose on that? Welcome to Hollywood, right?

Then you should have complained, you know? If they were breaking the law, you should have fucking complained to somebody. But you didn't, right? Yeah, people, yeah, right. Everybody, yeah, when they don't have anything to gain from it, years later, they'll- Right, right, right.

Then it's, oh man, check this shit out, yeah. Wow, it would have been awesome if you would have said something before while this was happening. I'm sure all kinds of scumbags treated him like shit. Then it is a, then there is a genuine pedophile. Yeah. And the mom gives this interview about how he's sent a bunch of like him jacking off pictures to her daughter, the child actress, and she didn't report it to the police because

she quote, she didn't want it to the police because she quote, she didn't want people to think she was a bad mom. It's like, are you fucking kidding? You are the worst. Now you're also a bad person. Right. Now you went from being a bad mom. Wait, was this in the 90s?

Is what? Was that in the 90s, that one? Um. Because to get pictures, what, you'd have to go to Kodak. Did you go to Kodak and get these developed? No, no, no. It was all that. So it was like, they were grainy pictures too.

It was like, put the modem on a device day. It was like Iron Lung Age of the internet. They were very grainy. You know, pedophiles, they're very driven. They'll figure out how to... They figured out... Alexander Graham Bell was a big pedophile. I don't know if everybody knows this, but he invented that to transmit erotic conversations to children. It's faster than doing it normally.

So the mom says, the mom says she didn't want, she didn't report it because she didn't want people to think she was a bad mom. Right. Which is... But she put her kid in a situation where that could happen. I'm so embarrassed. So then she got everybody else's, every other kid raped until they finally caught him. And then they bookend it with that guy, Drake Bell, who got raped a big time by one of the Nickelodeon show runners, by this weird guy who called himself Pickle Man on set, right? Oh God.

So the interview goes thusly, the dad of the kid actor says, yeah, this guy on set was being really weird with him, this pickle guy, always going to his concerts and like trying who goes thusly the dad of the kid actor says yeah this guy on set was being really weird with him this pickle guy always going to his concerts and like trying to get buddy buddy with him and ask and giving him shit and I said that guy's a fucking freak I went to production and said that guy's fucked yeah and they said you're being a homophobe they said you're just you just don't like him cuz he's gay you're homophobic no I don't like him because I can tell he's fucking off.

Right? He's gonna rape my kid, right? Which he did do as shit load. So the guy, the pedophile, gets in Drake Bell's ear and the mom's ear and gets the dad kicked out like Game of Thrones style, right? So then the dad says to the mom as he's leaving, hey, fine, you don't want me around anymore? Neither of you guys want me around? Make sure that fucking pedophile

never gets alone with our son. Yeah, remember I said this. Remember I said this. So immediately- Better safe than sorry. The mother says, absolutely. The mom says, I don't want to drive from Orange County to Hollywood every day, so why don't you get a ride with that pedophile?

And I don't want to, if you don't want to, and it's kind of a long drive home, you don't want to make him drive you all the way back here So why don't you stay at his house what though so they're telling this fucking they're telling this fucking story, right? So Drake Bell says yeah, then I've done it. That's when the rape started, right? And they say well, what kind of what kind of rapes were we talking about? Drake Bell goes Who he obviously is uncomfortable, right?

But look, buddy, you're giving the interview, okay? You've roped everybody in to this pedophile shit, so we're on board. Three and a half episodes in, I listen to all these women complaining about a mean man in Hollywood hurt their feelings. Let's give me the full story, okay? So he says, whatever you can imagine, that's what happened. Yeah, right.

I said, this is... I don't want to play a... I don't want to imagine... First of all, I doubt it. I can imagine way worse stuff than probably happened. Perhaps it could be illustrated maybe with a tattoo. Yeah! Can you give me a hint? Can you get like... I don't know, man. Like, now you're making me feel like a sicko.

Because now you're making me imagine a bunch of pedophile shit that I wasn't imagining two minutes ago. You could have just said flat out, oh he made me suck him off and he shoved a fucking sidekick phone promoted by Snoop Dogg in my ass. Like, okay. It's pretty clear picture, right? Instead now I'm still, you see, I'm still trying to come up with what might have happened sure like okay Thanks, bro Thanks for cock teasing me into the big pedo story that I don't get to hear about thanks a lot now How am I gonna come now exactly?

So then he's like okay, and then then I finally fucking selfish if you ask me It is it is selfish and I'm sitting here getting more and more pissed because he won't say it and they're like well You know, maybe like give us a little hint. Yeah, right Yeah, he's like you could just imagine keep imagining it and that's what happened. Mm-hmm You're telling me you were raped and you that's as much as bad as you can imagine? I don't think so. Hollywood is creatively bankrupt, I guess is my point. Um... And this is why.

So then he gets some- he starts dating this girl and his gay rapist, pedophile, is calling him non-stop. And the girl he's dating, mom, says, Oh, that guy's raping you, huh? So she calls the cops. Thank God One of these fuckers calls the cops. Yeah, so they get him and whatever and he gives a statement and They interview the dad and he's like, yeah, you know, it really sucks and I'm sitting there going why aren't Why isn't the mother in prison and why isn't the lady that said you're a homophobe in prison? Why is there's why is there only one guy? So the one guy, the pedophile, goes to court and

a ton of big-name celebrities write him letters of recommendation basically saying that the kid asked for it. Saying like he's a great guy and the kid was probably, you know, seduced him. Huge list. Nothing. Nothing happens to any of them. Mom, off the hook. Lady at Nickelodeon who called him a homophobe, off the hook. And they uncovered- Alan Dick. He did this to-

James Marsden. Yeah, he did this to a bunch of kids. Yeah, I think- And then he got hired again at Sweet Life of Zack and Cody. That's what made me think of this. Anyway. Phenomenal. Very annoying.

It's an annoying documentary because they have this horrible pedophile rape that's like bookended by fat women complaining about not being appreciated in Hollywood. Why did you guys stick this? Why did you stick this together? It's just the one thing. It's pretty much the one thing and then the other thing. It's none of this, it's none of this other shit that you keep piling in here. It's annoying.

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Where did I go? Well, now I'm glad I didn't watch it. Sounds like a waste of time. Yeah, it's annoying. I like your, uh, yeah. What I'm saying is accurate. Your synopsis is better, probably. The big nose thing is so fucking stupid. Yeah. Can you believe they had me? Yeah. Of course. They put the token, they put me as a token character and they made me pretend to sell crack. Okay, buddy. Well, who's selling all the fucking crack really? Yeah, it was like a joke. He was selling like something like acting like a drug dealer

Yeah, right. Don't worry pal Brinks heard you loud and clear. I'm so good. You'll never have a role as a As a burglar or whatever again, you won, right? Okay, but I was naked I drove an hour I steal Marsau we moved. Oh, yeah Disney As a burglar or whatever again, you won. Right. Okay, but I was naked and I drove an hour, I steal Marsau. We moved to the, oh yeah, yeah, Disney. She gets to going down on me. And as I, we're back to the Disney make out session. She gets to going down on me.

And as I suspected, based on how she kissed, wasn't bad. I slipped a condom on and ordered her to get on top of me where she demonstrated the rhythm of a Walrus or a manatee. Oh my god with a crushing weight to match God concern for my pelvis. I heaved her over to her back Sounds like albunty. Oh, yeah, my pelvis. I heaved her over to her back and mounted the beasts I heaved her over to her back and mounted the beast. I closed my eyes and tried my best to achieve climax so that I could leave this foul gourmandery. Alas, I failed. Panic began to set in.

My hand gripped at her pancake ass tits and I did the only thing I could think to do in the moment. I faked an orgasm. Wow. Quick thinking. Mmm. You gotta commit to that, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That was a good cum. Damn. I'm all cummed out. Cause he's got a condom on. Yeah, he's got a condom on. Oh, my wiener is like that. It's always hard after good cum. Damn. I'm all cummed out. Cause he's got a condom on. Yeah, he's got a condom on. My wiener is like that. It's always hard after I cum. Yeah.

Don't worry. It'll go down in a little bit. I better go to the doctor. Oh no, my dick is so hard after I cummed. I better go to the hospital. See ya. Right. Pretty good.

Quickly I pulled out. Did you cum? She asked. She was suspicious. Mmm. Fucking pulled out. Did you cum? She asked. She was suspicious. Mmm. Fucking bitch. They need their cum. If they don't get their cum, they get all upset.

I had to leave quickly. Did you cum? She said in perfect English. She learned that on the Disney Channel. She was suspicious. I had to leave quickly. I spirited away to the bathroom answering her. Yeah, yeah. Let me clean up real quick. That's clever. Right. So you can finish beating off.

What a fucking disaster life is. Totally. You get hoodwinked in by some mammoth packed into a skin suit. Yeah. You know? Ah, great. Well, I'm already here. Can you please turn on the Disney Channel so I can try to do some Turkish twists with your 180 pound ass?

I pulled the condom off. Could she leap? Go ahead. Leap? Sorry, could she leave the skin suit on and just cut a hole at the bottom where he can put his dick in? Well, most of them are

are like Yeah, most of them don't have to be taken off. I don't think Yeah, yeah, they're not engineers. Yeah, let me clean up real quick. I pulled the condom off and got dressed I stuffed the condom in my pocket How did you do that so so she doesn't inspect it right come right not I mean maybe he's like a serial killer you're cleaning up the evidence yeah yeah you've got to take it with you because otherwise they can like shove it in themselves and get themselves

pregnant you don't want that there's no come in it right but then you're pretending that there is then Then he's a liar. Oh, okay, so now he's got a whole backstory worked out. Okay. Yeah, you gotta stick to the act. I pulled the condom off and got dressed. I haven't done this before, by the way. Have you?

Yeah, I actually have faked one time, yeah, to get out of it. How'd that come? At what point did you decide to fake an orgasm? Nah, I don't know, wasn't liking it. Well, you have a secret weapon now. You can just look at your Sonic the Hedgehog tits tattoo if you're losing interest.

Smart, right? Why were you losing interest in the girl you were having sex with? Why were you losing interest in the girl you were having sex with? I can't remember. This was going 13 years ago now. Okay. Yeah, sorry, I can't remember. How did it go? There was another one though.

Okay. Went alright, she believed it. But there was a more recent one that this story reminded me of where they had the Disney Channel playing. I had one, I had a girl over who was a fan recent one that this story reminded me of where they had the Disney Channel playing. I had one, I had a girl over who was a fan of Game Grumps. I don't know if you've heard of those Egoraptor and Danny. Yeah. Okay.

So you were watching Game Grumps in the living room on the TV and then made a move and then we moved to the bedroom and I forgot to fucking turn the volume down on the tv so in the middle of it is ego raptor and danny screaming shit is just like just fucking playing video games and i'm like okay this is the most surreal fucking experience of them well youtube always it they're so short so i mean they're shorter than a movie but at least a movie will like play some music and then stop usually. If you leave YouTube on when you start to have sex... Oh, Game Grumps are long videos. They're long videos. If you leave, either way, if you leave YouTube on when you're having sex,

because of your watch history, like mine will always start playing half in the bag. So it'll be in the middle and it'll go, Chink! Half in the bag! I hate go chink half in the bag I hate movies do the deal and I'm like alright alright can we time out for like a second I don't want to hear Jay and fucking Mike doing their stupid bits okay I quickly pulled out did you come I had to leave I sprint I spirited away to the bathroom and said yeah yeah yeah I stuffed the condom in my pocket and made an excuse to leave immediately I grabbed my DV I grabbed my DVD of Donnie Darko and fled home Johnny Rico

Disappointing I mean disappointing for him listening to yeah stories from real But you couldn't have done it any better I mean you had you would have regretted not fucking her Forever no matter how because you're sure put in the work. Yeah, so right as we'll get something out of it. Yeah, it's terrible You know pretty quick thinking Yeah, quick thinking. Yeah good commitment. Yeah to the fake coming bit Okay, Mitch. I I don't know. Do you got anything else for us to plug your show to? Yeah, so you can find me on now recording on YouTube at now recording and on Twitter at shock mouths Twitter shock mouths and I see if Chris the Kiwi row back. Oh, he did. Oh, he did. Yeah, can you call in?

Can you please get him in here? I'm trying I can feed you DS if you call in right now. And he said, no, I won't. I'm not happy with the way I'm being treated. He's never happy with the way he's being treated. You know, we say that all the time. Me and my girl, me and 80s girl, to each other. I'm not happy with the way I'm being treated right now. Not to each other, but just like in life in general.

Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, like if somebody's giving us attitude, it'll turn out like, I'm not happy with the way I'm being treated right now. I'm not happy with the way I'm being treated right now. Yeah. I'm not happy with the way I'm being treated by Pasty calling me a creep. Pasty is the... Who's that? She is an E-celeb.

That's the one who he's been sending her his videos of his asshole. So he's upset, but he won't call into this show because he's upset at her. So he's upset, but he won't call into this show because he's upset at her. Yeah, she's been calling me a creep, fat, and not giving her demands to give her money. Not only that... So he's upset by facts. You took it right out of my mouth. He just got out of jail for stalking whores. For being a fat creep.

Well, now he's got something in common with that one that's in prison in Texas or whatever it was. Oh yeah. Who's that? Who's in Texas? Do you remember he had that pen pal in prison? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Years ago. The meet an inmate. Not only that but Aidy Baker is emotionally abusing me too. That's another, she's a very nice. Abbi Docker? Abbi Docker. It's another, she's a very nice... Abhidakar? Abhidakar? Abhidakar? It's another nice lady. She's probably...

Emotionally abusing me too. This fucking guy. Plus I've just got out of prison and I'm finding everything emotionally very difficult at the moment. That sucks. That sucks. But if you call in, I'll give you a hundred bucks. I'll give you a hundred bucks and I'll tell those girls to be nice to you.

I'll tell those girls to be nicer to you. Okay. This just might work. It might work, right? Yeah. The girls part. Yeah, yeah. Right. All right.

Mitch, please stay on the line. Oh, okay. Story is breaking in real time. Stay on. I don't want you to miss it if he decides to call in. Okay. Let's read another email. Christ.

On creation, Eric July and good art. Hey, Dick. Oh, Eric Julli's art book was released. Really? He sold a six... eight page... Art book? Yeah, eight page concept art book. That what? That AI did? No, I think it's some dude that he knows did it,

where he describes the inception, the creation of these characters that he created. That's obviously dog shit. He doesn't have any comics out. Like you can't, he's selling bonus material. There's more bonus material than content. Like- Yeah, let me try to find one. What are you doing? Shit. Content like let me try to find one. What are you doing? shit, I

Want you to see what what the what we're talking about here? I know it's this guy posted them But he posted them last week so Got a scroll through a lot of Lolly pornography to find it. Oh yeah, okay. Getting there. We're getting close.

We're getting close. You can tell. Dang it. Waffle house. Is this it? No. Here we go. Here we go. What else? Uh-huh.

Is this it? No. Here we go, here we go. This is the ISOM concept art. Here is... What the f... What do you mean? What's weird about this? That's the fashion designer. Why would anybody want this? I don't know. Why would they want it for a hundred bucks? Why would anybody want what is this? Look at the cross eyes. Yeah, what the fuck? This is the guy that made eyes on suit in a weird Checkered suit and he's drawn twice here like he's gonna kiss himself

Look at Like people are just clamoring for all this behind the scenes, how the sausage is made shit. Doesn't that look like he's gonna kiss himself? Doesn't it look like he's got two gay black men here, twins? Maybe he's got a twin thing. Who have straightened their hair, by the way, like a fucking Chuck Berry or somebody.

His name's Cedric Gaucho. Right, okay. Cedric Gaucho. Appropriating, fucking, you know. Yeah, Mexicans. Cedric is one of the creators I had the most fun creating. Already, already I'm out. Are you fucking kidding me? Cedric is one of the characters I had the most fun creating.

Much like Darren Fontano, I wanted other important people without powers. Though we designed Isom's suit, I didn't want to have him already fighting in it. Cedric was used as a device to explain the existence of the suit, while also introducing someone that you know has clout with other special beings. Man, that conversation between him and Isom towards the end of Isom number one lets the reader in on so much. Bro. Oh, it does?

Are you fucking kidding me? The conversation at the end lets the reader in on so much. I developed his whole backstory. He should have just had him fucking just yelling like, where is my super suit? Yeah. I developed his whole backstory in great detail and dropped plenty of nuggets. Yeah, you dropped a lot of nuggets. For the reader during his first appearance.

You'll want to keep tabs on Cedric. Oh yeah. The physical description that I gave to Marcos emphasized the fact that he's very suave because why wouldn't he be? He's a designer after all. Yeah, this screams suave. A black guy in a purple version of a men in black suit right fucking swab That checkerboard it's gonna make out with the fuck is I don't know

Stop dear dick perhaps you live in the critics world when you first started making it on your forklift and go to the nearest Construction site and just feel like here. I'm here to work I got my own forklift. Oh you wrote back He says you can do that anyway without having me call in I just need some alone time at the moment Yeah, oh god damn it at the moment is always ATM. He's talking about money dick. Oh, yes Yeah, I'm gonna tell Pacey to tell him to call in right now. Uh, Pasty, please tell Kiwi Chris, Kiwi, oh, he might be, he might have deleted. Oh well.

Yeah, he seems like he's in bad humor at the moment. Alright, Mitch, he's be he might have deleted. Oh well. Yeah, he's like he's in bad Alright, Mitch. He's not calling in. He's in a bad mood after he got out of prison. He got raped too much in the ass Yeah, I'll tell him to go fuck himself in the ass. He was shooting a Nick series and fucking Nickelodeon Nick Jr. Yeah, they caught him. Yeah He doesn't belong in prison. What's right? So he's texting a bunch of whores. Why don't they just block him? You're saying that's the worst thing that happened to that whore that day? Chris the Kiwi sending her a picture of his dick?

That's so bad that he's in prison, not, I don't know, getting fucked by a bunch of strangers so she can eat. The worst thing, we had to lock up Chris the Kiwi for texting them too much. Because they can't fucking just block him. He finds ways. He works in mysterious ways. Your Honor, this man texted a woman that gets fucked 10 times every day by fat, strange, fat, stinking strangers so she can afford rent.

This guy texted her like 50 times. Can we throw him in prison, please? You want to throw him in prison? All right, get out of here. Thanks, Mitch. Goodbye. See ya. Bye.

When you first started making fun of the Eric Jalak comics, you suggested two volumes, Save the Cat and The Hare with a Thousand Faces. I listed and added these in my Amazon wish list. I'm learning to code, so admittedly these had taken a backseat to progress. Meaningful stories are important. And we all must do what we can to not perpetuate filler.

There's enough filler in our lives. And that is why we consume art. That's the point I think you were getting at with your critique. Well, I mean, sort of, I don't know. I appreciate your understanding of creating a narrative the same way a programmer might hoist their functions in JavaScript so that important points are addressed right away.

I rely on these analogies to learn. The way you scope a function might be the same as how you might scope a paragraph. It needs to be dedicated to move things along. It needs to make sense and serve a purpose. That's what good writing in a programming language or in plain English does. So to get to the point here, I hope you make something. The Idiocracy movie kind of sucks after the first 20 minutes. Oh, I don't know about that. Maybe it is. It might not have dated well. Idiocracy dates very well. Right. Yeah. When that bridge came down,

I just thought of all the like the buildings falling over and it's theocracy. Yeah. Yeah. We really can't. everything is so automated. The automation itself is so complex that people can't understand it. So when it breaks, they have zero chance of intuitively fixing it. And they're very stupid. Movie's a fucking real downer these days.

Except for upgrade. The same way smart people don't reproduce for perceived consequences. So too, way smart people don't reproduce for perceived consequences, so too do smart people not create. I know you're smart, so I hope you don't, you do create some kind of honestly good art on the side. I get fucked up a lot and think this is our only way to survival,

to create rather than destroy ourselves. Well, you know, we're moving into a time of great and pervasive cultism, where our suffering has been cartelized into various cults of abstinence and teetotaling. Is that Not drinking? Yeah, yeah. Abstinence of anything. All vices just come from... All vices are economy based. When the money's good, it's not so much suffering. People don't turn to these terrible vices. But when the money is fucked with, people need some kind of escape,

and they turn to self-violence. All of it is a form of self-violence. And I agree with everyone. All of it is a form of self-violence. And I agree with everyone on all of it, but the only fix is the money. Everything else is a preposterous lie. God doesn't make the money come. The money comes and then all the priests come out and say, well, it's because you guys

were loving God so much and it's because you weren't drinking and it's because you weren't whoring on OnlyFans. That's why we have it so good right now And then the goodness the money goes away and all the other things come back and they say look we're in the Weimar Republic We're in the last days because you guys won't stop being whores and you won't have enough kids and no it's because the money's Being fucked with like always lastly for context I just watched Adam Sandler's Space Man on Netflix and it was the shittiest rendition of

Stanislas Lem Soler-s Solaris I've ever seen. Yeah, that was terrible. Adam Sandler talks to a big spider about his girlfriend for an hour and a half. We can all do better. It belongs to smart people like us to do what we can to create the art we wish others could see. Ambrose Bierce probably didn't, but if it made any difference once said, if you want the perfect book, write it. Thank you, I'm proudly on Maddox's list.

Well, thank you for the compliments. Haiti ad, all right, you wanna hear a Haiti ad? This is Haiti. The country? Yeah, the Haiti, Haiti, the country. Okay. They got a bunch of cannibals running that thing. Do they?

I don't know about you, but I'm glad my tax dollars were spent on this Haiti tourism ad, okay? Let's see, This is from Johnny rocket Okay Haiti in 2018 Donald Trump the Nazi in chief called our paradise a shithole Nothing could be further from the truth. Oh, we have teamed up with the American government to bring you this tourism ad Tell all right, so you got it. It's a tourism ad that got 80 produced. That's nice. Okay, you want to go to Haiti

No, why not? Doesn't seem like a place I would enjoy is it because of the crime and cannibals or like just the Sun I could just think of like a lot of nicer places I would enjoy. Is it because of the crime and cannibals or? Like just. The sun. I could just think of like a lot of nicer places I would probably, you know. Like a toilet? Yeah, I mean, you know, like if there's a certain like standard of living that like I'm used to.

Oh, okay. You can't compete. I mean, I don't know, maybe, I'm sure there's probably. Probably some nice places. For like when like heads of state go to, you know, places and stuff like that. But, I mean, I don't like soccer that much. Mmm. Yeah, I hear you. I mean, if the, you know, the other half of the island is the Dominican Republic, right?

Soccer and Islam, I don't really like that. If you got a lot of that in your country, I don't want to be there. Too much soccer? Too much soccer, too much Islam. I'm sure there's some interesting history and stuff like that, but I don't know how much I like the food. Probably just Mexican food. I don't know, I'll bet it's a lot of spicy shit and stuff.

I actually probably would like it. Okay, you talked yourself into it. Well but still, Haiti doesn't make my top 200. Yeah, okay, here, well, let's see what you think after this promotional interview. Okay. Tell me, do you think Uncle Sam would lie to you? No. Me neither.

Come to Haiti and experience the vibrant culture. Welcome to the heart of the Caribbean, where the rhythm of life beats strongest and the spirit of adventure thrives. Have you ever seen houses made of bottles and human bones in so-called first world countries? Of course not. No.

Haiti is ahead of the curve when it comes to recycling. Enjoy Haiti's diverse landscapes from pristine beaches to lush mountains and historic landmarks like the decapitated statues of filthy colonizers. You can spit on them for the low low price of 10,000 Haitian gourds or one American dollar or five chickens. Visit the citadel La Ferriereere the only world heritage site that is missing its roof it was built in the 1800s to defend haiti from foreign influence look how well that turned out witness history as the government transforms before your very eyes every other hour if you don't have faith in american elections, wait until you see this shit.

Just hand your ballot to the most well-armed group of cannibals. We aren't exactly stuffing ballot boxes here. Just graves. Haiti offers an unforgettable journey for all who dare to explore. Swim in our crystal clear waters. Just keep an eye out for pirates. They're always hungry and they aren't exactly Johnny Depp. Welcome to Haiti. Our cuisine is to die for. Use promo

code USA for 20% off trips to Ukraine and a chance for an all expense paid one way trip to the Gaza Strip. Jesus. All right. Some of that was pretty funny. Some of it was good. Yeah. Yeah. We Strip. Jesus. All right. Some of that was pretty funny. Some of it was good, yeah. Yeah. We're learning. Yup. Okay, let me see if I got anything else.

How about Fat Watch? Let me get out of here. Okay. Fat Watch. Creation. Women alert. Fat Watch. Let's see here.

Chris the Kiwi's playing real hard to get lately. Where did I go? Here it is. Too bad about Lizzo, huh? Fat Watch, this is by Thomas's the Mexican. What does that say? Sardowcar? I don't know. I that a... I don't know what that is. I've never seen that word. I've seen a picture. Let's see what it is.

Uh, oh my. That's quite a look. Is that a... I mean, is that like a comic book character or something? I think it is. Is it a Dune character? I don't know. It could be. Look at this poor... poor bastard. What the fuck? What kind of a human... what kind of a creature is this? Sardaukar, I guess. Is she wearing like an oil pan? What is... flattened?

This is like in Back to the Future 3 when Marty McFry strapped the boilerplate on his chest. Right, right. They've got these two fat Mexican women. Wow. I guess they're riot police. Yeah, look like it. And the stuff doesn't fit them. She looks like an umpire. She looks like an angry umpire. Let me copy this and see what this actually looks like. Let me copy this and see what this actually looks like. Wow. Okay.

This is what they're saying it looks like. Oh, okay. Well, that's a... Yeah, that's some sort of a military thing. Mm-hmm. Um... Got it. Yeah, I don't know if they quite, uh... Quite captured it. Uh...

Okay. Where did it go? I don't know. There it is. All right, thank you for that one. And then we've got inverse owl. It says Pinterest is using AI to see what clothes worn by normal people would look like on whales. Okay. Pinterest announces the industry first body type technology to increase body representation on the platform what okay what the fuck does that mean so you can well like virtual dress up body type technology to increase body representation on the platform? There's plenty of fat girls on Pinterest. Today Pinterest is introducing... Is this April Fool's? No, it's September 7th.

Today Pinterest is introducing a new body type technology to its suite of inclusive AI innovations. A first of its kind technology that uses shape, size, and form to identify various body types in over 3.5 billion images on the platform. Pinterest is leveraging this body type technology and previously launched skin tone technology to shape how its algorithms increase representation across related... So if you're... Are you fucking kidding me? Right. So it's going to make sure there's a bunch of fucking fat chicks,

fat and black women, on everyone's feed. Oh my fucking god, I'm gonna kill Vito. He is just- He is- He will not admit that his side has caused this dystopian hell of fat, visually offensive trash. Pinterest is levering the representation across feeds and search results for women's fashion and wedding-related content. Fucking wow. So no matter how you... So you have to advertise your product with a bunch of whales as your spokesmodels in

order to get seen. If you pick the hottest girl to wear your stuff... It's gonna get like suppressed. It's gonna get suppressed. They will only... There's only so many pictures of hot chicks and because everybody's taking pictures of hot chicks because they're the ones that want their picture taken. These inclusive AI efforts help make Pinterest a more positive place online,

a place where everyone can see themselves reflected. Holy fuck! Sadly, it almost is everyone. Yeah. When you don't feel represented, it's hard to feel inspired. Well, no, the opposite. If you don't see yourself, you should feel inspired to be better, to be like the people you're seeing. That's what you'd like to see happen.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how it works. It's like, well, they, yeah. Since 2018, Pinterest has set industry-leading standards on product and policies that promote a positive, diverse, and inclusive experience. It's just all DEI shit. It's these policies, yeah. It's all ESG shit.

None of these companies can survive without free money because none of them make any profit. They're all just mechanisms for rich people to gamble on stocks. And that only changes with free ESG money. So they have to do this shit to say, like, do you see this? Can you bump up our score?

We get some more free money. From creating technologies that detect and give users the tools to refine results by skin tone ranges and hair pattern, of course, always the fucking hair, and hair pattern to integrating skin tone ranges into try on for beauty for lipsticks and eye shadows. Pinterest has been intentional in its efforts

to create a positive, inclusive, and above all, inspiring place on the internet. Mm-hmm. Oh, here's some examples of their technology at work. Mm-hmm. Man! What the hell? You think if, uh, you think if Alan Turing could see this shit?

Or what's the tr- oh yeah, Alan Turing, he'd just go be gay. He's like, ah, fuck it. Right. Why would I- I'm not gonna invent the- I'm not gonna invent the Turing, he'd just go be gay. He's like, ah, fuck it. Right. Why would I? I'm not gonna invent a... I'm not gonna invent a Turing machine and I'm certainly not gonna help you assholes win the war. Right. As a result. Mm-hmm. I'm not saying I'm a Nazi, but...

But... Not supporting this. Not helping you, assholes. Yeah, I'm not helping you after this fucking crap. Look what we did with your computer. Isn't this amazing? Yeah. No! It's horrible! That's not why I made this shit! At Pinterest, we believe that inspiration begins with inclusion.

That's why we continue to develop inclusive product experiences that make it easier to find the best ideas feel made for you. It's a powerful addition of our new body type technology. Oh man. You think fat women were seeing this press release? Oh man, it's finally! Yeah. It's finally here! Finally!

Uh... AI efforts. Is AI used for anything good? We- One fucking thing? One. People will always use all the cutting edge new technology for the worst fucking things

and to fight- to fight with it. They use it to- I mean, they. They use it to fight amongst each other. Yeah, they have. They've all. Yeah. No, they made electricity. What did they make in first?

What was the first thing they made? I think the first wasn't the Kitty Hawk like 1903. Yeah. And by 1909, they had already taken an airplane off of a ship and landed it on a beach for like military use. Like they had already figured that out. How to, it immediately becomes like, how can I rain hell on those people over there with this fucking thing?

I don't like the military applications, but I hate this. I know. If the choice is either the new technology is used to kill people or to put Fat women on every screen. I know I'm for killing people 20 miles vicinity Yeah, I'm in the military most people need a good killing. I'm picking the military over the ESG I thought it was go back to me. Yeah, I could say oh, yeah I'm gonna use this AI to just you know write emails and shit Yeah, well you can't do that cuz they I doesn't use any bad words. They're talking about fat women.

Yeah. Oh, well that's half my emails. So I guess I can't use it. Honestly, I'm not even talking about like actual military applications. I just mean like, oh social media or like Connect. It's like, no fucking fight. Divide, divide everybody, fucking fight. Yeah. I'm okay with that. Oh man.

I'm more okay with, well, you got, so you had nuclear power and then you have the nuclear bomb, which sucks. Yeah. But like, I mean, you said it last week perfectly. It's, there's like a duality, if that's the right, in each, it can create, it can destroy. But see, there's a third, there's a third body problem,

Sean, that we didn't even know about. What's that? So it's, if we have nuclear power and we are complaining about the nuclear bombs but what if it's like it is now that would have just been nuclear fat women. I'll take the nuclear bombs over the nuclear powered fat women. Right. Imagine if... Well there's too much fusion. There needs to be some fission. We found a way to... yeah awesome. Heavy elements need to decay into, you know, lighter. Yeah we found a way to make a water molecule 50 pounds. It's just not any good.

All of it is just, all of the AI is being used to make stuff that I fucking hate on purpose Inspiring partnerships that inform the product fuck you and when the sky net when sky net comes and the terminators rise up I will a hundred percent be rooting for the machine. Yeah, like fucking yes hammer them. Yeah, Silicon Valley man, right there That's where all this that's what they're making you they're making you do this stuff right up there. Yeah find them Okay That's what they're making you do this stuff? Right up there. Find them. Wow, they got a big fat article for this. Look at this technological... Oh, there's the woman that cost me my YouTube. Oh, really?

Yeah. What's her tattoo of? Everything. All at once? Yeah, she's got a full-size Dolly Parton tattooed on her arm. Oh, is that Dolly Parton? Tess Holliday? Yeah. Let's see. Is that Dolly Parton? I don't know, maybe when she's real young. It's Dolly Parton and Miss Piggy. It's the entire, it's a bus stop sized poster for the Muppets Take Madahattin.

Wait, no, is that Stevie Nicks? Oh, it might be. Stevie Nicks is something that obnoxious women are obsessed with. Is she wearing like a kind of a head scarf or like a... She's wearing a cowl. Yeah, thank you. That might be Stevie Nicks. I don't know. That's definitely Miss Piggy. And then this is also the muppet Miss Piggy she has on her arm. Uh-huh. Um... Pinterest's mission is to bring everyone the inspiration to create a life they love. Oh fuck off.

Okay, great. Thank you. Wow. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thanks for that. Jobe says, hey Dick, check out this pivot. Alright, last one. Oh yeah, this is what I was telling you about. Oh.

Okay, tell me what you think the problem here is. Definitely not. Good friend is in her mid-30s. Pretty face. Right there. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, right there. That's it.

Why don't we? That's a joke. They all say that. That's a joke, though. It's like as much as like you jump in, it it's like I don't have a problem with black people Some of my best friends Fucking say how you can't say that you everybody knows that joke Pretty face. Yeah, what describe your friend? Oh, here she comes here. She's gonna say it. She's gonna

Well, she's you know, pretty No kids but wants a family pretty fa- AHH! No kids but wants a family. Makes over 110,000 a year. That's what guys man guys love financial security and a woman. She probably spends half of it on food. Has a huge property in the middle of nowhere. She is a huge property in the middle. She consistently gets ghosted, ignores for days, or is told after a date or two that this isn't working. Modern men are broken. From the sex.

From the hip. From the hips down. So then everyone said, oh yeah, because she's fat. And her next response is, my friend has advised me that if everyone complaining about her weight sends me $10 on Venmo, she'll get lipo and report the results. Otherwise shut- Hey, that's hilarious.

Put her on SNL. Jesus, give her a stand. Otherwise shut up and she'll keep focusing on nutrition and exercise! K, thanks, bye. So she's the fat friend she's talking about. Okay. Uh, right everybody, she's the fat friend she's talking about. Mmm. Okay. Alright, everybody. That's the show. Patreon.com slash The Dick Show. We'll see you next Tuesday. Let me see if I got anything else. I'll read this next week.

Mm-hmm. Dodoo! Got some voicemails. Oh yeah? Yah. Presenting Dick! Dick! Dick!

Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! presenting The lights The LED therapy lights are growing, Sean. They're growing faster than I can contain them. Okay. Okay. Eighth graders. All right.

Let's see. Hey, Dick and Sean. That story about the eighth graders making those jokes really pissed me off, man. Yeah. The worst part about it is they probably have no one in their life telling them that what they're doing was funny and okay. It's probably all just fat women telling them how terrible they are. And unfortunately, they're probably gonna feel bad about it for a long time. We all just fat woman telling them how terrible they are.

And unfortunately they're probably going to feel bad about it for a long time. They'll probably kill themselves. So I hope they have somebody telling them, hey, you're funny. But you did fine. Yeah. But you don't suck. All right. I'll see you.

Just like ol' Ed Piscore. No one was around to tell him, ah, don't worry about it. Right. You probably wouldn't have fucked her. Yeah. If it came down to it, you probably wouldn't have fucked her. Yeah, yeah. If it came down to it, you probably wouldn't have fucked her. You'd have felt too bad. You know?

Yeah. Don't worry about it. I don't want to fuck these... You're not the biggest piece of shit ever. Yeah. Come on, we'll go. Let's go talk to a 16-year-old girl right now. No, I don't want to do that.

Well, see, it could be worse. See? Yeah, right. It could be worse. Right? It could be worse. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about everything. Don't be so hard on yourself. You see where caring about people gets you? Dead.

Stop doing it. Doesn't fucking matter. None of these motherfuckers care about it. True. Not really. Especially the women, they're a bunch of hoes. All these girls that are crying about it, because they were hoes themselves, 17,

lying about their age. What if she had said 19? Then what? Oh. Yeah, yeah. That was totally different. Same person. Fuck you. Uhhh, okay. Hey, Dick. Hey, Sean.

Hey, what's up? This is Alex from Florida. I just left the voicemail and went through a dead zone. And could not fucking finish my voicemail. So, please don't play that first one. Start right over. My rage is..., bummy cigarettes. It's annoying. First of all, I hate cigarettes.

You should do whatever. Guys give me the side eye. Yeah, you can tell one to come up to me and ask me for a cigarette. So he does. He's like, hey, can I get a cigarette for me? I'm like, you know what? Sorry, but it's my last one. That's like, hey, can I get a serious one? And I'm like, uh, you know what? Sorry, bud, it's my last one. That's like a two line.

Sorry, it's my last one. This fucking freak says, well, can I just take a hit? Can I share that one with you? Oh, God, dude. I look at him and I'm like- Jesus. What? What the fuck? You wanna share this?

No. Make him suck your dick. What? I- what the fuck? That's- Do you wanna- You wanna share this? No. Make him suck your dick. What? I probably would. To say, yeah, sure. What? I have herpes. Do you mind?

He looks at me like- Of course not. I told him I had AIDS. Which is open up. And- No, no, no, no. That's okay. Walks away.

Well, that's okay. Walks away? You can use that. Also, bring back sports about Taylor. She vanished. What can I say? Vanished for chicks with big tits and no head. I don't know.

She must have got a big payday from somebody. Dude, how bad do you need a fucking cigarette? Never that bad. Like, fuck, man. Go find a discarded one in the ashtray If you're gonna start sharing seriously, oh You have herpes. Oh, then I won't oh, yeah. Oh, thank God. He just volunteered that information out of nowhere. Yeah I was gonna say just lick them all on the pack, but I guess yeah sharing cigarettes times are tough man. Mm-hmm

Times are real tough out there. $20 minimum wage. Can you believe that? Yeah. Just for chain restaurants. Is that what it is? Yeah, so like all the McDonald's is and stuff. I mean, it's just to drive up tax revenue.

Cause it doesn't, like, I don't know why liberals don't understand this. If the least amount you can pay for shit is $20, then if your job doesn't make $20, first of all, your job is now illegal. But secondly, now everybody has more money. Like the prices of things, I don't know why this doesn't make sense to people probably because it takes two steps. The price of things is determined by how much people can pay,

not by how much it costs you to make. That's right. They're not charging you based on how much it took to make the cheeseburger. That's right. They're charging you on based on how much money you have to spend on the cheeseburger. Yep.

So if you have 20 more dollars, they're taking a cut, landlords are taking a cut. I don't get why it doesn't make sense to them. Oh, here's 20 bucks. Oh yeah, lunch is 20 bucks. Oh, yeah Lunch is 20 bucks more now. Mm-hmm. What do you mean? Why well cuz you have 20 bucks Okay Hey, Dick, you know what makes me a rage is when

You want two people to lose but you can't because they're at odds. Yes. Like, I'm hearing about Crowder fighting with his wife over alimony payments. And on one hand, Steven Crowder is an insufferable bobblehead. Yeah. And I want him to lose everything. Yes. On the other hand, I don't want his wife to get a single dime. So that's what makes me rage. Go fuck yourself.

I find myself in this position often. Two people that I hate are fighting. I want one of them to lose, but I also want the other one to lose. This is 1964, Sonny Liston versus then Cassius Clay. Ah, yes. So too, they were so unpopular. I mean, yeah. Every paper in the country, it's like, could they both lose somehow?

Yes. I find, in this case specifically Crowder, I find that it helps to imagine who else will lose by proxy, by association. What's the most damage? Yeah, what's the most collateral damage? And if Crowder's wife loses, it's just her that loses. And in a lot of ways, when women lose, they are happier. They find inspiration in that and they can tell

their story and they get a lot more attention for it. Crowder loses all these scummy e-celebs that are trying to cover for him lose. All these obnoxious cocksuckers. Like Crowder was always bragging about how his marriage was so great because they waited until they were married to have sex Yeah, which is retarded. Yeah, and then a bunch of motherfuckers who are not having sex use that for a reason why they're Sex because they're actually better than me and you because they're waiting which I find to be very annoying So if Crowder loses all of those guys lose too Yeah, and the woman wins but you know, it's like a mule with a spinning wheel.

What's she gonna, you know, she doesn't know what's, she's just gonna spend it right away. Women don't go after money because they don't really like having it. That's why none of them fucking work. They don't like money. They're having it as a great burden. So it's kind of, it's win-win.

So this is a clear choice for you. For me? Yeah, for you. Oh yeah. Yeah, so you are not having the kind of- I'm having the kind of, uh, the dilemma that this guy is. I understand women. You give a woman, no woman ever says she wants to win the lottery. Every guy. From when they're six, when they're tiny boys. What do you want? I'll win the lottery. Win the lottery. Win the lottery. You ask women, they're like, ah, you know, to be a big pain in the ass, uh, you know,

to see a sunset, like to talk to my dead grandma for this, they all want all this retarded shit, right? Not one of them will save money. Yeah, huge pain in the ass. I think about it like that. Very funny. Hopefully that helps you, Sirius. Thank you for calling in with your question.

Here we go. Hey, Jake, hey, Sean. What makes me raise is fucking dry cleaners. I go and pick up my clothes and I'm like, you know, I haven't seen a couple of these shirts for a while. I'm looking around my apartment, you know, looking around, you know, my parents house, like, what the fuck are my clothes? And then I see, like, he picked the other guy, gives me half of my clothes. And then I see the other half of it right behind it. I'm like, hey, what about, those are my clothes. He's like, oh, he's like, you must not have given me a ticket.

You're the ticket. I'm like, you have my fucking phone number. I'm like, are you fucking retarded? I'm like, print this ticket in your system and give it to me. Holy fuck. Yeah, I'm never fucking about that. I'm terrified of the dry cleaner.

I always, like the whole time between when I drop the clothes off, I'm always have this crazy phobia. Like I'm just gonna forget all of my dress, like my dry clean shirts at the dry cleaner. Weird. It's probably the thing I'm most afraid of in life. Jesus.

Is forgetting shirts, shit at the dry cleaner. I'll have like, I'll have misplaced my tracksuit pants. I'm like, did I take them to the dry cleaner to get hemmed and I forgot them there? It's seriously, it's fucking weird. It weirds me out too. Yeah. Where did this shirt go? And then I don't want to take stuff in there

because I'm like, what if I forget it? I put a note on my calendar. You have no clothes in your house at some point. I don't even know. I don't even wear them that much. Well, yeah. I definitely don't wear them. I just wear, you know, shirts that I stole from people or merchandise shirts. I've always been them that much. I definitely don't wear them. I just wear, you know, shirts that I stole from people or merchandise shirts.

I've always been like that too. And it's the only thing, I have way more things that I'm responsible for that are way more high pressure that I don't care about at all. Except for the fucking dry cleaner. Maybe that's a thing. I wonder if other people have that.

Probably. I really hate it. Okay, let's try this one on for size. There's some great videos of women trying to like help men be pickup artists or something. And so many of them will do this comment like, well, just because you came up and said a funny line, don't expect me to take my underwear off right there.

And I'm like, yeah, no, definitely definitely just let me observe what you're saying so you women are saying it's not reasonable to expect something for nothing is that right I know you don't perceive the irony there, but... Yeah, no, of course not. Because you're women. You don't have that gear. But it's just, I love it. Please keep doing it. It's a fucking pickup artistry. Anything, any, always, right away. I know you, I know you don't expect to put your penis in my vagina.

Like, okay, lady, why don't you slow down a little bit? Right. I'm waiting for marriage. Jesus, yeah, it's just a little joke. You know, something to loosen. Right. Just like for a laugh. Yeah. I know just a little joke. You know something to loosen right just like for a laugh. Yeah Know your face might break. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly I know it'll fuck up your two hours of Sephora fucking makeup that you got from some John

Trust me. I've seen what you guys laugh at. It's not a such a big compliment that you find that you find that funny One more all right, okay that you find that funny. Alright, how about... One more. Alright. Okay. Hey, Dick. I am listening to The Biggest Problem. I don't know why I called it The Dick Show. It was just muscle memory. Call a lot, huh? Yeah, dude. I think you kind of went a little full retard on the biggest problem when you're talking about Sidney Sweeney and Madame Webb. Like, I don't know these

people or whatever gives a fuck. You know, Sidney Sweeney, I don't think so. Huge tits. Oh, you mean the actress? She's like everywhere man. Oh Sydney Sweeney. Yeah, wait a minute. We were talking about yeah, I know this girl. Yep They don't have her tits in any of these shots. Oh that one's kind of does. Yeah, she's got like fetal alcohol syndrome Mmm, huge tits. She's been all over everything. You know her now. I do she's in that spider-man's movie if a 27 year old woman... Okay, wait. ...we need in Madame Web, like, who gives a fuck if a 27 year old woman plays a teenager?

Like, I don't... I'm... What's your problem? I... I don't want to think about fucking her the whole movie I'm trying to think of a way to insult you and that's why I'm stuttering So let me let me stop like what do you like? Can't be attracted to a grown woman because a fictional writer said we're gonna lie about your age Like I don't I don't get it. She's such a good actress that I believe she's a 14 year old. Are you being genuine that you can't be attracted to someone in fictional people in an entirely fake world on your television screen saying they're not born in another fictional year prior to 2004? I don't need women acting more childish.

It's one of the few times I disagree with you in such a substantial way. You're probably a pedophile. I'm at a loss for words. Oh, God. Jesus. Because it's... Yeah, I don't want to repeat myself. Why did they have her acting like an adult?

Like a... You need to feel guilt for being attracted to grown women because the the idea why is she wearing diapers coming out goo goo gaga that's like fine for you right sir that's totally cool time when they would be oh jack off to that baby like when there's stuff in the past can you think 17 year olds in 1990 are hot because now they're 47 yeah but only when i remember them when i met them i can't look at a picture of them in a yearbook and be attracted to them.

Only in my memory can I. It seems like something Vito would say. Oh, geez. Vito would say the opposite. You take that back, sir. The children whose fictional creators say they're 5,000 years old. He's doing his own podcast. And you can be attracted to them?

No, I'm not saying that! By your same logic? I'm just confused. You know what I'm saying? Alright, go fuck yourself. I don't want Sydney Sweeney acting like a high school- First of all, if she's in high school, tell me the age. So I know if she's 17 or 18. I mean, if I want to Ed Piskor it,

or if I want to be barely legal, you know, maybe she's held back and she's 19. I don't want to be left wondering, fuck, what if it's a kind of high school that goes down to seventh grade or eighth grade, you know? What if it's some kind of preparatory high school? I don't know. You're playing with fire. There's a lot of things to account for here.

All I wanted was, all I wanted was Sydney Sweeney either not talking about her age or saying she was of an adult age wearing some sort of a body suit. And you didn't get that. And I didn't get either of those things. And I got the opposite of both of those things. I'm not trying to stomp on your dick if you enjoyed it,

but it was a bait and switch of the worst order. So there you go. Good night. Goodbye, everyone.