The Dick Show - Episode 44 – Dick on Talent Shows

Episode Date: April 4, 2017

Download the MP3 Losing count of beers, family reunions, ruining talent shows, Lowtax’s weird audio, the confusion of ubiquitous content, farmers, rental car insurance and other scams, line cutters, the time Sean was a rock star, Asterios’ roommate, April Fools pranks, houses that you build yourself, more on the billboard, more on Philly, more Goss, … Continue reading "Episode 44 – Dick on Talent Shows" The post Episode 44 – Dick on Talent Shows appeared first on The Dick Show.

Yeah Yeah Welcome to dig you want dickie dickie love dick you got it It's the only show where everything is a contest coming to you live from a concrete bunker in the side of a mountain top. I am your host, Dick Masterson with me as always a shun. The audio engineer. Hello, dick.

Hey, what's up, buddy? Wow, straight from the sky into the studio. I've been here for about 10 minutes off the plane planes trains and automobiles I am here to deliver hot hot content hot rage infused comedy content straight to you straight from a plane plane lands I run off the plane run into a shuttle into the shuttle into a car various modes of transportation, immediately sit down, have absolutely no fuck ups with any of the equipment to record this podcast for you today.

This post, a God, I am so glad. I'll get into why I was on a plane running so late in a little bit, but Jesus, God Christ, I am so glad That April Fools Day is over. Oh, yeah Well, I can only imagine what goes on with your family and April Fools Shond because they're all like you. They're all they're all like you my mother. They're all like you You told me that you found out, Timmer when we were in Venice,

and I found out things about my family and like, the Italian side of my family. Oh yeah, you're like, it was like, you're like a ray of sunshine. Yeah, yeah, God, give me a fucking break. Everywhere we went in Italy, for some reason, these more, these moreons were like, oh, to Sean, by the end you started to say it like,

no big deal, I'm just, I'm a guy from Naples. Hit the fuck out of here. You might want to sit down before I, the first person you told this in Italy, you're like, yeah, I'm from Napoli. Isn't that where you would say you would say you're from your family? Well, I knew that, but he said, somehow it came up,

it was about food, and then they said, well, what's the I knew that, but he said, somehow it came up, it was about food. And then they said, well, what's, what's the Italian side of your family? I said the name and they said, oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're like a god to us. Right. And then he'd kiss you.

If we would sing tales and tell, this was like 10 years ago. You want to sell me something from a little bit? 15 years ago, no, this was more food. This is stuff we were already buying. Does people loved you. And every time, every person would throw more onto the compliments.

Like, oh, we would sacrifice our children on the altar of your people. It was from Naples, right? Yeah. They just loved Naples for some reason. I, yeah. Every place we went, oh, I've never been to Naples. Look at you.

Let me tell you a little bit. Let me tell you a shithole. Probably is. They just have good marketing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but you know where I'm going with this? Go ahead. Well, because you were laughing about that and making fun of me much as you're doing now.

Yeah, because it was pissing me off that everywhere we went, you were getting all this praise from people and I'm just sitting there like a shithead, trying to get as much, I got red hair and an eyebrow ring. I'm trying to get so much attention. Yeah, we roll in and fucking Johnny V-neck of black V-neck over here. Dress like his one outfit is just getting heaps of praise every single, every single place we go to.

I got a gray V-neck going on right now. Somebody says it is a shithole. That's what I hear. But yeah, well you said shit. I was in Mexico somewhere, but it's yeah. And you said, oh, you found out your last name and they said, oh, you know what? These people, they're assholes, but they're really funny. I tell you that they said they'll tell you the truth

and they're real mean about it. But they're all so tell you the truth. And they're real mean about it. But they're all so funny. Really funny. You wanna stick them in the back, but you're like, oh, damn it, that was really funny. Yeah. That tradition continues on both side of my family.

My mother like stays awake at night before April Fool's Day because she's planning all of her goddamn pranks. It's like Chris, it's like Christmas morning to her. But what kind of pranks is she gonna pull? Sean, I'm up, I am, okay, this is where I was. She's the nicest person on the planet. That's just what she wants you to see. Oh, I know.

All of this weekend, the reason why, we're recording this episode later than we usually do at night and the reason why I just jumped off of the plane and got here. The plane was late, of course, because all of this weekend I was at a family reunion. Yeah. I was at a family reunion for the Mexican side of my family. I didn't know you're out of town. You said, I figured it was like up, you know, locally.

Yeah, I mean, yeah. I like to keep you in the dark as much as possible. It's better for the show. It is better for the show. Yeah. Because then, you know, you tell the same story twice and like, I know, I feel like, I like to keep you in the dark as much as possible. It's better for the show. It is better for the show. Because then you tell the same story twice. And like I feel like an asshole telling a story to the same guy twice and I just wanna rush through it. You know what I'm like?

I just uncomfortable feeling I have. I don't know how, like I'll listen to guys tell stories at a party that I have heard them tell a thousand times. And like, they got the beats down, they're going through, they're saying like, well, and then you'll never guess what happened. And then they got like that self-effacing like chuckle. Like, oh, yeah, I guess I did do it.

I'm like, there's nothing genuine. What are you doing? Like, do you think there's a bunch of cameras on you right now? Why did you, why are you getting, why are you gratified by this at all? It lost the soul. Nobody wants to hear that story. Did this ever happen?

Maybe. It might have, but you can kill anything by rehearsing it to death. Like, is this the guy, does this guy go home and bang his wife and like close his eyes and picture, prompt when the first time he lost his virginity, is that the person, is that who this person is, retelling the story retailers,

like every time it's exactly the same, and I try to start deviating them, right? They'll start going, I'm like, hey, and then I'll start trying to test, they'll start trying to poke their dyke. That's what it's called, When you try to test someone, you try to poke the bear, right? But also, because the dyke holds back the water,

you try to find, I just wanted to say dyke. Yeah, I know. So I'll try to test it. You're putting your finger in the dyke is helping though. Usually it helps. Usually, that's not the way it dicks people do it every time. But that's, you're talking about the Mexican people. No, you're, your, your family, your my lineage.

So anyway, what was I talking about? My mom, apparently who is stone cold, I used to say, which is new to me. Which is new to me. But she just loves triggering people. Like there's no greater joy to her in the world than triggering people. You're looking confused.

You know what triggering means? No, I do, and I'm just shocked to hear you. Sean, say it. This fucking woman, I am, okay, I'm at, the family reunion is in Glowbeirzona. It's basically the real life version of the town in Tremors. Oh, dirt.

Real. No, in the middle of nowhere. No, we get 80s girl and I go to this family reunion. Because at this point, I've got two, I've got two grandmas left, right? You have both of them. Yeah, but one of them's got a case I've got two, I've got two grandma's left, right? You have both of them. Yeah, but one of them's got a case of the dementia.

Mm-hmm. Well, that'll happen if you live long enough, probably. Yeah, so this is the grandma that's got everything still working. She's got no hearing at all. So she needs one of those, like, you know, old people, they don't use their assistance devices. Like, she's got the hearing, she's got the hearing of a 20 year old Cocker Spaniel, but she will not like refuses to,

like, she's got the hearing thing in there, but you still have to shout everything to get, like, to get everything is broken. I feel like I'm talking in more code, right? Like it's like, hello, and good morning. Good morning, like everything, I'm, I'm cutting down all of the big words into like five year old words because there's no possibility to misunderstand them. You know what I'm saying?

She just doesn't really, just doesn't really give a shit. Well, now maybe she's fucking with me too. Yeah, maybe everybody's fucking with me. Isn't that fairly likely? So in your family, it's like, you know what, I don't give a shit what's going on with him. I'm gonna pretend not to hear. Yeah, so grandpa passed away.

I do that now. Recently. Yes. A year ago. This is from the other side. Yeah, my mom's dad passed away about an hour after episode one of this show. No, shit. Oh, yeah, I'll tell that.

That's a downer. I'm not going to tell that story. That's a whole nother story. I met him years ago. He was a pilot, wasn't he? In the second world war. He was an ass pilot. He would get his choice.

He's an ass pilot. He didn't ask him. Just steaming that fucking, I war he was an ass pilot he would get his choice Is it a pilot in an acid? Just hear that fucking I know he wasn't a pilot No, he was down down that was just his nickname. Oh, that's just called the mace who the fuck I You know, I didn't know his real name until I was like 15 years old I only knew him by his nickname anyway, no, I'm done so People say you know you might think like, what kind of a stupid idiot moron, Jackass asshole, why would you go to a family,

why would you go to a family reunion number one? Yeah. Why would you go to one in globe Arizona, right? Cause I'm thinking at this point, I'm thinking, all right, we gotta spend as much time with the grandparents as possible. And we're like, I like not doing it before. The tremors town in Arizona, because that's where that's where the whole family grew up.

They all lived in like a cardboard box in the middle of a canyon. Trump's worst nightmare, about 50 Mexican children living in a house made of Lincoln logs in a canyon with no supervision. That's where that entire half of my family is from. So that's where the reunion is in this tremors town of Globe, Arizona. Anyway, it's going to be April Fool's while we're out there. April Fool's Day. The family reunion happens to be April 2nd. So a couple of things going on.

First of all, the April Fool's Day episode, bonus episode, 10 of this show, has to get published. Uh-huh. Which is amazing. If there is, if there is ever a reason to go to patreon.com slash the Dix show and check out all the bonus content you can get

for five bucks a month. This, this is the episode. That was a fun one. Oh, geez, we got, man, when that, when that intro goes, Mad Cux was a, was a, the star of it. Mad Cux, I wouldn't say, I would say he was the guest, but he was, I mean, he, I'm going to say he was the star of that episode. Mad Cux and I had this idea where we would both bring in

some things that we thought were prevalent issues, the most prevalent issues in existence. And we would each bring in an issue that we thought was prevalent in existence. And then we argued on behalf of our issues. Mad Cucks brought in racism, for example. And then red of a Wikipedia page about all the different types. It's great.

Go check it out. Go check it out if you haven't. I play a little bit, but the first 20 seconds of that episode is worth the whole thing. That's it. Then you wouldn't need to pay up. You just got to go check it out. Go check it out. And if you don't, then there's nine more bonus episodes. So look, all. You just gotta go check it out. Go go check it out. You go, and if you don't,

then there's nine more bonus episodes. So look, all I'm saying is go check it out. If I've ever given you any advice that's worth following, this is the one that's worth following. Go to patreon.com slash the Dixiawn Check out that episode. Anyway, I'm at the Family Reunion, trying to get this episode up in this, in one of my second cousins backyard

or something like that, you know, boxes. I got, yeah, I'm in the Muppet House, I'm in the Lincoln Logs House in the Canyon, where our relatives are dropping left and right. These old people, Sean, they're like weebles, but they fall down constantly. They wobble and then topple. It's terrible.

It's a terrible thing because then it's, you know, that's like, they've got that forever now. But it still, it happens all the time. It's like, you've got to run around like Spider-Man trying to catch these people that are falling left and right. Yeah.

As I'm posting the Dixho bonus episode 10 with Madcooks, the most prevalent issue in existence. Anyway, that's April Fool's Day, the next morning. They're falling down as a joke. They're still old people. They just hit 90 and they're like, I'm going to play. I'm going to freak everybody out. They can read a calendar. Yeah, I'm going to freak everybody out. I know they don't know. They can read a calendar. Yeah, I'm gonna freak everybody out.

And they just do a reverse Dracula. Yeah, follow, follow. It's the trust. Yeah. They don't even know. They don't know what's happened. It's terrible. It's a very sad thing.

But it's like left and right, man. You just, we gotta sit them all. They all need to be like on skateboards, getting pulled around and pushed around. It's too risky. It's too risky to have anyway The next day I Post the the bonus episode that night the next day is April full of day

So you'd think I'd have it you think I'd have it in the top of my mind That everything is going to be bullshit. Which I hate already. The April Fools Day, the whole weekend, the corporate participation in April Fools Day has completely ruined it for me. Yeah. And I used to love it. Like when I was a kid, oh my God,

I would agonize about the pranks I was going to pull. I, the, the, my, the greatest prank I ever pulled, the funniest one to me. We used to have on, on our sinks at our home where I grew up, we had these, uh, these little nozzles where you press the lever on the back and they spray. Like for cleaning dishes, it was a little other separate nozzle. You pull it out and press it in and it sprayed. So I took a rubber band and looped it around. That's a good one. Yeah, it was great, right? That's a good one. And I put it back in the sink, like not thinking anything of it. Your brother was over here when this happened to me. I think that's probably where he got the idea to do it at home, because that happened in my house too. So like three hours later,

the best kind of pranks, see why the ones that just don't pay off right away, right? Because you gotta forget about it. Yeah, you get to enjoy as much as you can. You forget about, and then you, like you test, it's a very zen-like state you get into where you have to still let the prank happen. You can't push it, because then it gets people out of there. They get in a defensive headspace, where when the prank still happens, it's not as funny, because they were kind of expecting that you were fucking with them in some way.

So like three, maybe four hours later, your brother and I are watching TV in my family room where both kids. And I just hear my dad go, what the, I don't know if he let out any like, oh, fudges back there, what the fudge? And I was like, oh, and then as he stomping out, I remember the prank and just, and that hits me, what exactly is happening? And he's been sprayed right in his, and he turns the corner and he's wearing a business suit, which he never used to wear, like probably in a nice silk shirt. It's nice pants, you know, clearly,

he could not have paid off better than this. Right? Right. It looks like a giant piston. Like, it looks like it went low. Well, yeah, because of the arc, you know, it's just meant for cleaning dishes. It's not a fire hose. Well, some of them have a lot of pressure. This, this one, the perfect arc right on his penis. Oh, that's great. Look, it's all all over the place too. Yeah. Look like you fought with it too. Like he's trying to wrestle a pipe fund. Yeah.

And he just goes like boiling over with rage, staring at me and your brother probably saved my life. Oh yeah. If your brother wasn't there, I probably would have got there. He probably would have chopped my head right off with a kung fu chair. Oh, I thought he said something.

In my house, you had to think quick because we didn't have the kind of dad you could do that too. Oh, I thought he said something. In my house, you had to think quick because we didn't have the kind of dad you could do that to. Why, what would he do? We weren't allowed to have fun. Oh. If you were having fun in my house, it meant you were about to get screamed at.

Ha ha ha ha. No, um, my dad, on some level, he got the joke. Yeah, he gets jokes. And he just goes, dick, you ass and stormed off. And that was the last way we ever talked about it. That was the greatest, that was my favorite joke. And then I retired after that one.

I was like, okay, I'm playing with fire, right? It's not gonna get any better than that. Yeah, yeah. The day after. Except for all the dick shows stuff and the- Not my family, I'm not gonna prank my family anymore. Yeah. Other people find, I'll put a billboard out right

outside your fucking house, but not my own family. So April Fool's morning, I groggly get out of bed and my grandma's house in Globe, Arizona, where my grandma's husband, my step-grandfather, he built this house himself, he always likes to say. So the whole thing is bizarre. When you build something yourself, you forget certain things.

They're usually a little idiosyncratic. Yeah, yeah, some things are a little bit off. It's like somebody told you describe the house to you and you pretty much nailed it, but then you forgot to put the door knobs in. Stuff like that. So in this house, they didn't build a space for the heater until the house was finished, right?

We're talking about the high desert. So it's about 30 degrees at night. So where they put the heater to make up for this was in a closet in one of the guest rooms. Guests who's sleeping in that guest room, me and 80s girl on a bed that is about the size and the comfort level of a giant match box. Mm-hmm.

Like, it's like, we feel like we're a little hamster sleeping on a, on a match box box with a heater blasting for everyone's comfort all night, about three feet away in the closet. Oh, yes. And as we know, I sleep, like, I sleep on a, like a, like a, like a spy, like an American spy in Moscow. Anybody makes a, during the Cold War, anybody makes a noise and I'm, ah, who's there, who goes there, right? Who goes there?

And am I touching myself? No, I'm not, I'm gonna go back to, all the fucking night. So I stumble out on April Fool's Day morning and I don't, and I'm not paying attention yet. My mother immediately starts with the, oh my God, you've got, there's, there's something on your, on your shoulder. And she's really, she's really selling it. And she's not, she's not a liar. Never, never lies about anything except for one day of her one havoc,

Mayhem day of year. She starts in with a, oh, it's a scorpion. Oh my God, you've got one of those desert scorpions we've all been. So I'm panicking, not moving around though because I don't want to get stung by a scorpion, you know, by making any sudden, I don't know how scorpions work. Yeah, I assume they're like tyrannists. Every animal to me is like a tyrannosaurus rex, where if you don't move, which I don't even think is true with a tyrannosaurus rex. No. How could it possibly be true? What kind of animal would work like that?

But it's like a magic thing that we learn that when you're like five years old and it sticks in your brain, like, yeah, everything must, they say that about deer, the deer's telling each other that about our cars. Yeah. You see those, if you don't move, they don't see you, they just go, those lights just go on either side of you.

Right by, you pass by perfectly safe. That's what the scientist is saying. Right. So I sit there but panicking, like I'm swallowing, you know, I'm hung over too, not paying attention. Starting to panic and she lays it, lays into it for good, for as long as,

as long as her little build up last that she's getting her kicks out of making everybody fucking panic like this and making me panic. And then she is, oh, with the April Fools and I just think, I really wanna just reach across the table and stick my hand right in your mouth. So you can't like this. Every time, every single April Fools day,

is I gotta write a note to my, I'm putting a note in my calendar, my eye calendar, that's set for permanently and for all time. Every April, Fools Day, when your mother starts speaking to you, just cram your hand right in her mouth until she stops talking, because she just fucking with you. Non-stop, non-stop.

She gets her jolly's out of it anyway. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the corporations They're ruined it. Mm-hmm Where every single April Fools Day is a race to see who could be less funny Google with their Pac-Man every every announcement that comes out of every company on the fucking, I just completely unplugged all, they started coming in in the morning with all the, with the, here's examples of what not to do.

This is what, this is what you do, this is the opposite of funny. This is what we're celebrating. The peak of unfunny gone, I just checked, checked out completely, turned it all off. Didn't read one headline, Sean. You shouldn't. No.

On April full day and I'm tired of it. Yeah. I'm tired of these companies thinking it's funny. These announcements that they're bringing. Oh, look, you can, you can play Miss Pac-Man while you're driving around in your car. Thanks, Google. Thanks a lot. Get back to work that's I feel like I'm ruining their

fun even though they're getting paid for it can you imagine the meetings they have to have about all this stuff to make sure that it doesn't offend any but I mean they're they're they're got to be they've got to be like 50 people involved in making these stupid decisions for these giant corporations that's what pisses me off the most. All three nuts just some marketing department coming up with this. I'm like, oh, this is gonna be really hysterical. And then if anything was funny, it's out. It's out, of course. Out the door.

Because anything funny has a little edge to it. No, because everything is, because all they're doing is selling their stupid shit. All it is is a backdoor pit anyway. Sure. This is what actually makes me rage this week. What time is it? Talent shows.

Talent shows. Yeah, talent shows. I would like of all ages, talent shows. Talent shows for kids. Yeah. Talent shows for grownups. A vent of any level, I would like one person to explain to me what exactly is the core concept of the

talent show where you get everybody, everybody's got to gather around in an auditorium and be subjected to by the whims, they're subjected to the performances of people who they know, people that they know, right? It's like one big communal obligation that you're sitting there with a social gunpoint to your head doing what? Exactly. Who's winning in this? The family reunion when I agreed to go.

I don't think people are allowed to win talent shows anymore. Who does win? Did they used to win? I don't know. What does anybody get out of it? As soon as I said I was going to go to this family reunion. People are usually in talent shows because their parents pushed them into it. So what are the parents getting out of it?

Who knows? I mean, it could be the whole, you know, the stage parent thing. Like, this is what I really wanted to do as a kid. I don't know. I sit in there and I don't know how to handle the kids. I know I had to be any time. Yeah, I actually, I have some,

I've got a talent show story. Okay. I've got a talent show story. What is it? How long were you? You wanna hear that? Yeah, sure. 11.

What was your talent? We were, I was playing in a band. Oh, I think I know this story. Yeah. But I'll tell you about the, and it's just, you know, because we could actually play my younger brother two and a half years younger. Yeah. It was playing bass.

I was playing guitar. Next for neighbor kid was playing drums. We weren't, we weren't prodigies. We weren't anything like that. We were just much better than any of the other kids at the school. Nobody else was doing that. They were fucking twirling batons or play. Who knows what the magic or any of that shit.

So the school runs like a walkthrough. Like a walkthrough for the talent show. I think it's like a minimum day. And the talent show is going to be that night back at the school. And they said, oh, okay, like these kids are gonna play, you know, three or four songs. And so we did it. And they decided, I don't know if the the principal should have said this or not,

but she said, we're not, we changed it right there. There's no more first, second, third place. Everybody gets a participation trophy because because it wasn't fair. Because it wasn't fair. Did I already bring in that that's fucking up kids' ability to trust people? Yeah, so we did the thing and it went over big because you don't usually see kids play anything halfway

competent. And then they had us, which it's funny, you can get a little bit of taste of what it's like to be liked, which is because they had us. That's a rare feeling. Well, it is because people trade, I think people, I think everything people do are looking for that feeling of just wanting to be liked.

Everybody wants to be liked. Maybe that's what it is. Everybody wants to be liked. Well, anyway, well, here's the thing. Well, there was a write up in the paper about us. Yeah. And then it was like that covered the, you know, some stupid local paper.

And then it, but it named us, of course. And then they had us come back and play for the whole school the next day. On your own? Yes. Like a full auditorium? Like a special assembly. And you were, how old were you?

About to turn 12, I think. Oh my God. And then they were younger. So they were like 11 and nine. So the bandmates, or the people you were playing for. Yeah. So you were like a boy band. But the bandmates or the people you were playing for. Yeah, no, no, no. So you were like a boy band. But for the whole school, did you have any parents playing for you?

It's just kids. What, playing? Yeah, with you, like on the drums or anything. No, no, just a three of us. Yeah, just a three of us. Wow. But that was my, that was my talent show story. And that's like you said, who wins?

It's like, I don't think you're allowed to win anymore because even back then, even that many years ago They still was like well did you get any boob out of that did you get to graze elbow on any boom or anything like that? You know, thanks. I don't think so. That's about I remember signing autographs really. Yeah, do you remember like other kids like the fuck I'm in your class Where the chicks going crazy Yeah, they kind of were they kind of were yeah, what they do well they start talking to you a lot more really Oh, and then they're like oh shit this guy's messed up on what's on this guy's sad sack Yeah, what did they do?

By talking to you a lot more what do you mean? They would just they talked to a lot more, what do you mean? They would just, they'd talk to you a lot more. They'd ask you more about yourself. They'd ask you more about yourself. Stuff like, it's like, you don't really care. You know, just stuff like that. Oh, can you play this? How long have you been playing?

Oh, can you play this? Yeah, you're like, you box all this sudden. I don't mean like, can you write me a song now? Oh, you guys should play this one. Yeah, that kind of stuff. Yeah, it's funny. But it was the, even back then, it kind of stuff. Yeah, it's funny. But it was even back then, it sort of turned into participation trophies.

Well, you won, it sounds like you won it. Yeah, but I was in other contests where it was like, oh no, I got third. Like that, you know what I mean? Like that wasn't, other things. It's like, that's okay, not to win. No, they should, it should be a fucking contest. Now that I'm thinking about it,

it's kind of my point, I say who wins? The first time. Talent shows, and I say nobody wins talent shows, because you're not allowed to. No, but they really should. So the first time I said that I was doing

this family reunion thing, that's all everybody's just like, oh, okay. So you gotta get something ready for the talent show. Yeah. I mean, I'm not getting anything ready. Like I'm doing, I'm doing the show every week

and putting Philly together, which if you don't have tickets to you should go get Philly, road rage, Philly, taxation and theft go on the website and get tickets for that. I don't know how many, we've sold right now. I'll find out before I write the post. Okay, I'm putting all this shit together. I'm not like, I'm not putting, I'm not putting a talent together for this,

because it's like, preparation, I think, in a lot of ways works against you for stuff like that. You know what I mean? You can over prepare. Like look, I'm 36 years old. If I can't find a piano with this fucking place and play something, no amount of preparing is gonna fix that for me.

And I'm perfectly fine with looking like a huge dipshit and screwing it up. Because that's funny too. Yeah, yeah, that's a, most people aren't in line with that. And all everybody talk, all anybody would talk talk about this fucking reunion was the talent show. Oh, really? What are you gonna do about the talent show? I'm like, what do you think?

I'm gonna get up there and, I'm gonna get up there and talk about, I don't know, I'm gonna get up there and rant about shitting in other people's underpants. Like what do you want me to talk about? I just get up, how many people are there? Or how many people are gonna participate in the talent show? I don't know, but there's like, there's a two hour talent show Sean. Yeah, it's the highlight of the reunion with a hundred two hundred people like the jewel of the day It's the dinner and then the talent show and are people excited about this. I mean, I guess they but all the people who are gonna

Participate or excited or because in my family again We had to be I mean, I guess they, but all the people who are going to participate are excited or because in my family again, we had to be kicked on stage. We had to do anything like that to do that. Oh, but he wanted to do that. That was the adult. That was the adult doing that to us, not this family. You guys should do this. You guys need to do this.

In this family, everybody is so time. Clowing to get up there. Okay. Well, and, you know, not always the right people are clawing to get up. So trip starts out well because as we're flying in, somebody gets the boot on the plane who tried to go up there with the wrong number ticket. You know how they do that on Southwest? Everybody gets a number and then you can.

Oh, yeah. You're pre-boarding past. Yeah. And you see that through that awkward dance where you're walking up and down the line, acting like you've never done this before saying, oh, what number do you happen to be? And if you're there with somebody else, you've got to ask them loudly, hey, what number do you have on your pre-boarding pass? Hint hint to everyone is around who's trying to maybe act like they should be like they're in the 40s who's crowding up on the very tip of the 40 through 45.

When they're actually a 45, get back. Get your ass back. Move your ass back to feet. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Those stupid pre-boarding passes where you have to go into your, we can't just sit down and call people like, hit now serving this. Now it's you kind of squish yourself in that little space with your number over it and jockey and scale bow your way in.

The one person in front of you, because that could be the difference between having your balls squished for the entire flight and sitting with your girlfriend. You know what I'm talking about? You know the situation. Yeah, yeah. And every, every time man, we get up there. A's girl and I is the very front. And we see something that I've never, I've never seen before.

The woman at the, at the, at the turn style takes the guy's ticket, looks at it. See, and she goes, sir, your number isn't here yet. This isn't, it's not time for your number. You have to go get back in there. That's what you've never seen? I've never seen it. I know, for. And I said, I wanted to take a ticket.

They just let him do it. Grab that woman by her face and kiss her. I wanted to take, I wanted to do anything to make her day brighter. So I'm like, man, you have no idea the stink that it puts on the rest of the day when you let some asshole like that creep in, because all you have to,

it makes your life easier if you just let him go through. I know you didn't have to do that. Yep. I know you could have just said, this fucking idiot, yeah, sure, whatever go. Because if you say no to that guy, he could be a total, he's already crazy enough to jump in front of 40 people. He could just, he could just kill you on the spot.

You know, he could just take all of his clothes off and start running around slapping himself and get into a big frenzy, then you got to call the police. Say for just a let him on. She didn't. She threw him to the back of the line. Nice. And I wanted to kiss her right into touch her face to be more like her.

Anyway, we get to the... Not enough people like that. Not enough people like them. And all this is seriously, there's not. No, I know. I hate it when people, it just, oh, just let them do it. Or there's gonna be a scene, or there's gonna be, it's like, no, fuck you.

Make a scene. If you fucking swim that hard upstream, and they do it with everything, you fucking deserve, you should be eaten by a bear if you swim that hard upstream, sorry, like it's just, that's not, there's a way we fucking behave. Yeah. There's certain things you can challenge people on.

I don't know if that guy's gonna feel ashamed about that. No, he's just gonna feel entitled, like, what a bitch. What a fucking, you know, what a stupid system. What a, he'll just do it again. Maybe it's people never fucking learn. Maybe it's people never fucking learn. The stakes aren't high enough in that case. So we get to the rental car on the other end,

because we have the bright idea of flying and then driving the last, the last jog from, from Phoenix to Globe, even though the, even though the entire time I did, it's telling me how stupid we are for doing that. We should just drive. We just wake up at six and drive at them and we're, we're idiots for flying and this is a kind of relationship we have with my father. Hey, we're doing this family thing. We're gonna fly in this. It's a cop flying. That's stupid. You should drive. All right, well, we're not doing that. We're, we got flying, that's stupid, you should drive. All right, well, we're not doing that. We gotta, she's gotta go to work,

we gotta come in after work, we're renting a car to get there, it's like, ah, where are you running the car? At the airport. Why? Matt, you getting ripped off, I get you a car for half that price, like, dead. You, you really, do you wanna, do you wanna argument?

Is that what you're looking for? Okay, let's have an argument then. Let's find it. So this is what the entire dinners degenerate into show me on you pull out your computer right now and make the reservation off site away from the airport of the car that you're telling me cause half the price

But I want you to prove to me that I'm getting ripped off do it. I'm gonna do it fine I'm gonna whip whipping out the computer to do it to do it can't find it He's fucking he's going on his computer. So now my brother-in-law is in on the argument game Oh, yeah, cuz he sees what's he sees how fun it is. Oh, yeah When you get like a six month long argument and then finally you can slap a computer right down on somebody's face and go, ah, read him in a wee. Well, he loves her because you enable him to act like you.

Because he would never do this. No, everybody's always making stuff up. That's the lesson. I love it. So it's great to see it. Oh yeah, he has so much fun. You can see it in his eyes. When Dick starts getting silly, here comes this is it. It's he has so much fun. You can see it in his eyes when Dick starts getting silly. Here comes Fred Flint.

So we do the car rental thing anyway. By the way, he did continue looking it up. Couldn't find it. I won. I won. It was reported back to me. He gets at the car rental place. And a little dude who I think he was about, he was about 17 years old, barely, barely

spoke English somehow. This young man, some sort of, some barely spoke, I don't know, Chinese, barely spoke, fluent thick Asian accent. That's what I'm saying on this guy. What you don't see very often. I don't. Anyway, like thick Mexican accent, that fucks up your order and the drive-through

and every other single place that they do that in. Very familiar with that. Okay, I'm gonna continue this story of the talent show in a little bit. Let me get low text on first. Hey, there you are. Hey, sorry, dude, what happened? I was, uh, oh, I sent you a, uh, Twitter thing.

You said I didn't know when I was supposed to join or where I was supposed to join or how many hamburgers I was supposed to get when I hear anything back. So I just assumed that I got blown. I don't shit. I just pulled my microphone off my desk. You still sound good. Keep it there. Oh, I'm sorry about that. I thought I figured your little guy over here

would light up when you were online and disqualified. Well, I don't use discord ever. Don't use it. So I just figured drop me a line. Sorry about that don't use discord ever. Don't use it. So I just figured drop me a line. Sorry about that. It's all good. My bad. I'm just intellectually impotent.

No, you know what it is. So I think it's spelled out for me. I think something was, everything was nice and clear at some point recently and then it exploded. Everything was nice and easy. We could just use Facebook or do Skype, but now it's discord, I don't understand. I had to have somebody told me how to use it

and I only know how to do, I only know how to connect in a certain way on it. I know how to invite people and that's about it, but it's my bad, sorry, sorry for not sending you that info. Oh, it's okay. I mean, I agree with you. We need to go back to the days of, you know, where you use Offie Cup HTML editor

to make your gif maps for your webpage. Yeah. All you have is real media player. Yeah, and all of all the TV was on one channel guide and you didn't have to check between Hulu and Amazon video and Netflix which all basically have the same shit except for that one show that you're looking at and you don't and it says rent this for three bucks and HD But I'm like I know that if I wasted 15 minutes and tried to find what other servers I already pay for,

I has this on for free, I could do it. But how much is it worth? The biggest fucking scam is, Amazon used to be good, but now everything's blocked behind all these separate channels. I think took all their movies and then put 16 of them on 10 million different channels and you have to pay like, what is it, $899 a month for them?

Well, I don't even understand how you're supposed to pay for it. So I got this, I got a money. Well, no, I mean, I got a new TV that has Chromecast built in. It has a remote that's a tablet. And you can, it's pretty fucking cool. Like you got all of this stuff right there.

You don't have to deal with the slowest pieces shit interface in the world trying to click through with the remote on the TV where like every single click of the remote trying to get the TV to respond feels like you're gonna crack the fucking remote in half I don't have to deal with that anymore because I got it on the tablet and it works like a tablet except Amazon Now there's a big like junior high fight between Amazon and Google over

Amazon won't let Google put their app on Android. So now there's no way for me to access Amazon. No, no, no, you have used the Amazon underground app. Seriously. It's always a proprietary. I saw that and I started walking down that road and just said, no, I don't wanna watch Jeffrey Tambor pretend to be a woman that badly. I'll pass.

It fucking turned on that. I see him with the nails. I'm just like, Jesus, I end the show. End it. That's something else on. That's like a fantasy role. Like that Jeffrey Tambor and that guy, the fat gay guy on modern family who's not actually gay.

Yeah. Yeah. Based off of low tax, who's not actually gay, that's like the fantasy role for a, he was like, wait a minute, you're telling me that I can just go and act as flamboyantly as possible and I'll be praised by the entire like LGBTQ community,

you fucking got it. Cameras, I'm ready for my close up. Hello, everyone, like just, no, not gay enough. You need to play it up a little bit more for the character. That guy's not gay? No, the red-headed guy is, and you can tell. Well, not other than fathers,

I've seen about three episodes of that show. Yeah, sure. What's that look at? I said, no, that doesn't really bother me as much as the picture. Every time you load up at Amazon's service, you see him there with his Easter egg painted nails looking pretty as a peach. It hasn't changed in several decades.

I mean, I haven't watched the show. I don't plan on watching it, and you can keep showing me his fucking face. It's not going to work. I'm not going to the show. Yeah. I don't plan on watching it, and you can keep showing me as fucking face, it's not gonna work. I'm not gonna watch it. Yeah, this isn't, well, they got, so this is my, this is my theory for the big, the big providers, like Google, Amazon, all these guys. Like, they have no incentive to make,

and they only incentive they have to make anything is to get huge swaths of audiences in like China. Like what are you gonna not subscribe to Prime anymore? Like that's not the way the way we're used to cable being pitched down our throats is by trying to find like like Rick and Morty trying to find like good niche programming that you Sean would like. But these guys don't give a fuck.

Rick and Morty's fucking awesome. It's fucking awesome. One of my favorite shows. Yeah, it's really like, but these guys don't give a fuck. Rick and Morty's fucking awesome. It's fucking awesome. One of my favorite shows. Yeah, it's really good, except I don't enjoy this story arc. I like the standalone stories, but I don't like it when they've tried to, you know, do the character development shit over multiple episodes. I just want to see it.

I know what you mean. The first season was great. Yeah. No, I got that feeling after watching the new episode. I was like, ah, it seems like this show's kind of taken itself a little seriously. Give it, give it a minute. I don't have what do you mean? What are you working with on the inside with these guys? No, no, I have worked with the guy who plays Jerry. That's the only guy from the show there. Yeah, but no, no, I don't know anything. But I was like, I wouldn't write it off that quick.

I think it's a, it's a good show. I know what he's talking about. Yeah, but you get a lot of sense. I see you're a thread when you can predict when something's about to turn shitty. Cause then everybody, you're like the Messiah then. You're like, hey guys, remember when I predicted Rick and Morty was gonna be shitty, come on, come on, come on, get it around. Nobody remembers how early you predicted it too. They do, they do so.

I predicted Trump right away. Everybody remembers that. What I'm saying is you it's safer just to do. Thank you. It's safer just to predict that it's shitty, like almost right away. And people are like, well, it actually didn't get shitty for another two and a half seasons, but he was right.

All right, Logtax, you sent me some audio that you wanted me to play. Okay, okay, yeah, I made you promise not to listen to it because it is wonderful. The story behind this is I received a CD with no cover and no label. From, well, this was back when I was married to my ex-wife. You received a CD that had nothing on it.

I'm married to my current wife, but my wife, she lived in Hayes, Kansas, which is this boring as the name implies. It's just literally the next town over is famous for the world's largest ball of twine. I've heard about that. Yeah, me too. I mean, it's very famous.

Yeah, yeah, and it's great because you go to it and it's a large ball of twine. And you're like, okay, I've seen the largest ball of twine. That's advertised. Yeah. And so anyways, her, one of her friends has, you know, as most people do, has a mom. But the thing is about her mom. She's very, okay, she's very loud, very Christian and very full of joyous laughter. Okay. Is it, is it, is it, likes to speak in yourself?

Is this what the, what the audio you sent is? This is a CD that she produced. Oh, okay. Of another person in the church. Uh-huh. And all I'm going to say before you play it is that it is called, this is what she made up. It's called laughter therapy.

Okay. Let's hear it. Oh my. One time, you know, when your kids are little, they embarrass you and they don't even know they do. So now that my kids are older, and when I embarrass them, I just say, you know, paybacks are a gift to the mom. Yeah, that is multiple tracks of her laughing in the background. Seriously. My daughter is in college. My oldest daughter was in college. And so she knows a lot of these basketball players and who walks in the pizza place.

But all these tall basketball players, you know that commercial that was going around, going. What's up? Did she add her own laugh track to like her comedy CD? Is that what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we were all doing that on the way to town. Oh my god. CD is that what yeah, you know we were gonna do that on the way to town

Is these tall basketball players are walking in the feet to place what are my girls do they look at me right away And they said mom don't you dare like oh man I just want to go up to what I'm saying what's up? Because they're black. Yeah. Right? Wait, what's with the laughing? No. Eventually, they, you know, they sat down and they started eating. I was laughing. You know, we were telling jokes as girls, me and my four girls. And it's a little bit later that the boys came over and they started introducing themselves and my four girls. And it's a little bit later that the boys came over and they started introducing themselves to all of us. And they just look at my daughter,

Christmas, and says, is that your mama? And she says, yeah, that's my mama. And I started talking to the boys, and I followed and just said, what's up? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And then my girls said, oh my gosh, these guys are so tall. So she added, that's her laughing, you're saying? Low tax? Back in the background of her laughing, that just randomly plays.

Why did she want you to do with this? Why did she send it to you? I, I, I, I, I don't know, but she, I found out later I don't know, but she, I found out later that the name of the CD is called Tammy. We love your laugh. I'm not kidding. Yeah. I swear to God. This is when you could touch the ceiling.

I was so amazed that I said, you know what, I can touch the ceiling too. And I looked at him and said, no, you can't touch the ceiling. You know how many cuts this time? I can't look at him. That's the time. I can't look at him. That's the time. I can't touch the ceiling. you can't. You know how many cuts this time? He tries this, take that ball of chair and I touch the ceiling. I'm gonna. I'm gonna.

And you know what? I found out later, I was only about an inch away from that ceiling fat. And that ceiling fat and about point my head. I tell you what, you know, it's amazing how many times that my head gets buoyed. Oh my goodness, but you had to see the look on their face when I stood up on that chair and touched that ceiling. I told you I could do it. Don't put nothing past the mama with five kids.

She's got to do all the things she can, just to survive. What the fuck is going on? It's like, what are you talking about? Say, what's up to a black man in touch with ceiling? I'm just, then boys, they look at my daughter, they look at all of my girls and they just said, your mama is off the chain. and I'm like, oh my, is that good? Is she off the chain?

I'm off the chain and then look at me. Stop the man. No, that's really good. I said, oh, that's a compliment. Well, thank you very much. Then my old outsider looked at him and said, well, you never said I was off the chain and he looked at her and says, well, you're not, but your mama is. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! She's made a comedy album. She's made a comedy album.

She's made a comedy album called My White Mama, and she's used her own laugh as the laugh-tree. Oh no, I understand it. And you love your laugh! Yeah, oh that's great. Hey so, low-tax, what makes you a rage? That's how to control. Not being able to touch a ceiling at a pizza hut.

No, actually what was pissing me off today was farmers. I was thinking, oh, okay. Okay. Because I mean, first of all, you know, okay, a farmer, you know, does shit out in the field, he puts shit in and takes shit out. That's great. But there's grocery stores. Yeah, you all know the song. What's the fucking point of a farm when you can just go to the goddamn grocery store and get food and you have to deal with, you know, it is driving tractors and overalls and all that bullshit. Yeah. And oh, farm is hard work.

It's hard to cash our subsidy checks or so I, this is just maybe because I hate Kansas. You know, I mean, Missouri's not, you know, like a paradise, but Kansas is just dirt and farmers. Why don't you move out to Mexican immigrants? Yeah, well, sorry about that. Trump's gonna fix it. Why don't you move out?

Oh, wait, wait, speaking of that, Tammy's five daughters, four of them got knocked up by a legal Mexican immigrants who left them. Now who's left them? I am not kidding. I am not kidding. One of them think that he was a secret CIA agent who trained SWAT teams. And mysteriously he disappeared after he found out she was pregnant.

Well, maybe he had a tough mission to do. He had to go bring down Osama. Whoever that guy's name was, it was public enemy number one for a brief period of time. Right. Yeah, so, yeah, I just don't like farmers and like farmers and Kansas. Well, you got to move out of Kansas. You should come to LA and be famous, like everyone else on the internet. It's easy.

I'm a Missouri. Yeah. Move out of Missouri. I can't. My kids are here. No, you could, and it commute from LA, Jesus Christ. To Missouri. Just take the, try, try with the Mexican, try with the Mexican guys then with the, with all the

stuff. Yeah, I will. Just split for a little bit. Bring a whole bunch of cars down to Mexico and then come back and I'll get my kids. All right, well, thanks for the audio, man. Yeah, sure. Um, I've got, uh, there's 36 more tracks. Oh, yeah. Okay. If you're interested, I just want to sell them to you at a very good price. Thank you. That was one traction. Was that the full track?

Are they full of stories like this? Like comedy stories. Quotes are on comedy. Yeah. Yeah, there's one of them. There's no guest appearances. Yeah, a Tammy number two in the background makes a very frequent guest appearance. Yeah, one of the stories is about, okay, I'm gonna, it's like four minutes long, but I'm gonna summarize it. They saw a cat, but they thought it was a bobcat and they ran away.

Oh, okay. With last track. That's the last one. Another one, one of her friends has bad breath, and so she recommended her to buy chewing gum. Okay. That's a whole story. Jan, hilarity ensued. Yeah.

Laughter ensued. Hilarity not so much. Hmm. How do you know? Yeah. Well, good luck. Thank you. Neck comedy CD. Is this a relation of his?

Yeah. I just tied. No, no, no, not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Who was this? Who was this? X-Wife?

Uh, my, X-Wife's friend's mom. Oh, okay. At church. Yeah, that's right. That's what they're doing at church. That's what they're doing at church? Yuckin' it up. Yep. That's what people are doing.

They're home in America. Mm-hmm. Just cookin' up this. Bicy comedy album. Nobody ever tells them no. No. Is that really you? No.

Hey, God, that's great. Good for you. What are you doing in there? Just working on pro tools. Laughing hysterically at my own jokes. Yeah. Sinking cool. This is like fucking gold wave editor.

Sinking them up. So the show is at the right time, the flood of laughter. Yeah. Familiar with Kansas at all. Have you? I'm familiar with Nebraska with Lincoln, Nebraska. My mom's from Lincoln, Nebraska. Okay.

Well, I can guarantee you, Kansas is worse. Why? It is so, it's just flat. So is worse. Why? It is so, it's just flat. So is Nebraska. I think that are there or bad. It's all terrible. So, so stand in Kansas. All right.

Words to live by. Yeah, who is live by? All right, man. Thank you for calling. Thanks for this. Thank you. Aatrocious audio. Oh, yeah, no problem.

Dick, I love your laugh. Thanks buddy. Hey, is there anywhere where somebody can listen to this entire album? Hell. Yeah, hell, all right. Yeah, I'll upload it somewhere. Yeah, well, I've actually got something

on my YouTube channel. Okay. That's just, send me that so I can post. Unless she's got a band camp. I'm gonna hear this on Morning Radio somewhere. I know it. That cackling. Yeah, it's just semi that so I can put unless she's got a band camp. I'm going to hear this on morning radio somewhere. I know it that cacoling. Yeah, it's going to it's going to be played.

Yeah, it will be played in the greater Los Angeles area. It's like let me ask there and yeah, that awful, awful cacoling. You will it's one of those things that it either grows on you or you just get the urge to commit suicide. No, it grew on me at the end. Yeah, I mean, you get to the point where you just resign your soul to it and you're just like, okay, this is happening. I'm just going to roll with it.

I can see her selling that story to nobody in a closet and adding the cackels in. And that's where it hits me like, yeah, this is really funny. This is real. Someone put a lot of work and craftsmanship into this. adding the cacles in and that's where it hits me like, yeah, this is really funny. This is real, someone put a lot of work and craftsmanship into this. It's very obvious that it's her laughing at herself or putting in the, but at the same time, like just for a minute, you can believe

that somebody else is laughing at her story. It's like you can, you can believe that this would happen that a bunch of dumb, like chicks would get together and laugh at this stupid story. They've heard 600 times and that you would, but the fact that she couldn't even get them involved, like it was, that was totally normal to just wing it on her own.

Like, I don't need to get anybody. I don't need to make this live in any possible way. I'm just gonna read it one and done. I'll slap the laughter in and everybody'll love it. See, because I'm a great storyteller and I'm also gonna read it one and done, I'll slap the laughter in and everybody will love it. See, because I'm a great storyteller and I'm also the laughter. I can't trust that nobody else could possibly execute this idea.

It needs to be perfect. If you'll listen to it, the laughter just comes at complete random times. Yeah. There's like no rhyme or reason to it. It blows my mind. I think it's hilarious. Everybody that I play it to though disagrees. No, it's funny.

Well, Tammy, she's, she's lover laugh. Yeah, I want to hear more from here. It's where it ramps up at the end. If it doesn't, if it doesn't have you at the end, here's the end. If it doesn't have you here, it needs a picture. I need a like a CD cover. One time. Oh my, oh, I can't skip around. Fuck. All right. Tammy, we love your orgasm. All right, man. I'll talk to you later. Thank you for, thanks for calling in. Goodbye. Enjoy your hamburger. I was eating the hamburger earlier when I thought he was going to call in.

Yeah. Thought it'd be a little, you know, a bookend like that one. Okay. So, as I was saying about the, the, getting the car, the car rental, 80s girl and I get to Arizona. We go, they've got this big gig, this, this gigantic mecca built for renting cars now. It's not simple. It's not, it's not like it used to be where you just go down

to the baggage carousel and you walk over to one of those shitty little booths, right? They're busing you out. They bus you out to a Citadel, like a futuristic, you've been to one of these, like a futuristic prison for rental cars. We show up and go through the whole thing. And this is what made me rage about it. We get to the very end where this little bastard is spitting out sentences,

struggling to spit us, spit out the sentences at us, with his thick accent and he goes, oh, you want the, I'm not going to do it because it's offensive. And he says, well, do you want the, do you want the extended insurance on this thing or just the basic? And I'm kind of half paying attention. I'm loading stuff in the back, you know, 80s girls, actually the one that rented it. So she's just in the front seat, kind of nodding along and signing the forms. She goes around, does the thing where you say, what's fucked up about the car, you know? So when you bring it back, whenever I do that, I like to say, it looks like somebody just really opened the door, really hard

into a pole. If they're not looking, right, then you start making up wounds in the car that didn't exist before, because then probably going to have a moment in your trip where you're going to be like, God damn, this motherfucker, and you open it, you know, 500 miles an hour. Somebody's gonna do it, you're saving them time. Yeah, because they never, they don't match the damage reports with the guy that brought it in last. They're not like, hey, wait a minute, how come it was sitting in the garage when this guy brought it in? And now this guy's saying that somebody bashed the bumper in with a hammer.

Yeah. Like, where did this, what happened in here? Let's look at the footage, they don't do that. So you can make up whatever you're used see the same thing with textbooks and I was like, yeah, somebody really somebody ripped out all the fucking pages at the end Somebody drew the Dicks on everyone of these pages every page. Yeah, you know verify it at the beginning of the year End of the year that comes around, huh? Hey, look at this Bookshare now. It takes all over it But if you'll consult my card that I filled out when I got the book, you'll notice that

it says on that card, I was very specific. Someone had drawn Dix on every page. So I'll be graduating. Thank you very much. It all checks out. You can take this AP Spanish book with Dix all over it and shove it right up your ass. So the guy gets, she gets done doing that with the guy. It's exhausting, right? They wear you down. She sits in the, sits in the, the, the, fun to see the guy goes,

well, would you like the, the basic insurance or the extended coverage? And she goes, oh, gosh, I don't know. It's just the basic, I guess. And I said, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Whatever comes with just the car, which one is that? And he goes, oh, that's neither of them. Like, you're telling me that you just gave two options

and you just left out the no coverage option. You slimy fuck. You're, how much do you get for this? And how often you're doing this L day, every day, you're fucking people over for 50 bucks because you figured out that the human mind has a little short circuit where they're just gonna pick the lower of two instead of asking the follow up,

instead of asking the, hey, you're not trying to fuck me here, are you? Cause you wouldn't do that. I'm here patronizing your business and you're not trying to fuck me here, are you? Because you wouldn't do that. I'm here patronizing your business, and you're not gonna sit here and wear me down and then fuck me, are you? We don't do that. This is what they're doing with people sticking them

with the base, with the nobody needs. The correct answer is no. No insurance. Everybody has insurance, you don't fucking need it. Never, and this is what they're trapped by $50. $50 made in an instant, because I was there going, wait a minute. What comes, when that basic option that you're acting like

is the dumb one, is that free? No, that's another 50. Oh, you motherfucker, give me the sheet again that says what's wrong with the car Because I think I think I just discovered a lot more things that are wrong with this fucking car Someone took a shit on the hood Someone gizzed all over the back seat that apparently is I didn't notice that before the first time I was full all these new problem anyway So we get to

Get to the family reunion Finally comes down to the talent show. Right, I'm gonna skip forward a bit, because the story's getting a little long. All right. The talent show starts, two-hour talent show. The night before, there was a little mixer, which I showed up at.

A mixer. Yeah, mixer, family mixer. It's a, it's a weekend of parties, okay? Right? I don't know the, I don't know the, I don't know the temperature of these parties. Yeah. Aren't family reunions like what,

what designates it a mixer at a family reunion? It's just a party at somebody's house. So everybody come over here, so I show up. Everybody's invited kids or is this like a, everybody, the whole family like everybody the whole family? Keep the kids home with the tremors. No, it's not a swing or the authority. It's a family, it's a family at Ms. Tons of Kids. They get all the kids in there. All the kids have fist fights and fuck up because children don't know how to use new with people's things. They all beat each other into a coma.

And then all the parents say, kids all last about an hour. Little Irishman was there, caught a foosball rod in the head, had to be rushed home. It's inconsolable. Mm-hmm. Kids are there for about an hour. So we roll up into the family,

the reunion mixer. I talked to, you know, some aunt I haven't seen, 25, the last time we did one of these things, 25 years ago. Nice since she's like, oh, hey, nice. When I saw you, you know, some aunt I haven't seen in 25. You last time we did one of these things 25 years ago. Nice. And she's like, oh, hey, nice. When I saw you, you were this big. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

I'm, we all know. Well, everyone knows how big I was, all right? Come on, a lot fucking bigger now. You'd better watch it, right? So I see a little, I see she's got a little bit of a line floating around in the glass in her hand. I say, hey, hey, hey, I want to be with this person. What was the situation here?

What's going on with this, where'd you get this, this drink you got here? I always liked you. Yeah, I always like what you got going here. And she goes, oh, well, where'd you get that? Because well, it was, it was BYO booze. It's like, well, I mean, how often, how often do these,

it's, it'sO, first of all, I don't know if you've heard this about me, but all the booze in the world belongs to me. I just let everybody borrow it, because I'm a nice guy, but all the liquor in the entire world belongs to me, and the universe actually, there's a big, big floating cloud of eat

in all about four million light years away. That's all mine too. That's all mine, all of this is mine. Where is my liquor that you've brought to this party? This happens every 25 years and it's still, you realize this interaction is never going to happen again that we're having right now. 25 years in the future, one of us is not going to be here. Give me the goddamn liquor. I will just give me a taste of it. Just for me, just a little something for bringing your own fucking booze.

So just saying it like, oh no, this is not even that. Or was this like, oh no one told you. Just bring your own booze. Spriced it, surprised you don't have any. Yeah, I heard about you. Let me get the, so with the family, right, it's your family, you're expected to, you know, give up a kidney. That's what, that's where the family level is, but I can't get six, I can't get a six second pour from your bottle of boo! God,

damn it, I was so, anyway. How pissed are you that no one told you this? Because I think that was done on purpose. You think so? You think people are with your reputation? Well, it backfired because the next night I B.Y.O. Two handles, two hands of booze. I had 80s girl carrying extra booze. I brought so much fucking booze the talent show, which worked which I Almost fucked up. We so with this in mind the next night we roll into the talent show, which worked, which I almost fucked up. We, so with this in mind, the next night,

we roll into the talent show. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm bringing my own fucking booze. You guys better believe that. I stop off. It's a fucking bottle. It's a safe bottle talent here. Yeah, I got the, I pick up a 75 wild turkey. Yeah, is that what they were calling it still?

75, handle the wild turkey? Are they still called, do you, do you still call them a seven five? Seven, or is that just something I've invented in my head? How much is a handle? 750. 750 million. A handle is 750 million?

Is it? Oh, no, I thought I, I think it's more than 1.5. I think so. I thought 750 million liters is still a bottle size. Oh, okay. Well, okay. How embarrassing.

Anyway. I bring the know. I don't know. I bring the 750 of wild turkey and then I get a case of IPAs and then I get a six pack of IPA of the good IPAs. We're all mine. All from golden road, right? So I can tell people that I live near this brewery. It's all yours, but these are really yours. Yeah. These are, and I brought enough for everybody, but I'm not going to be, these are, and I brought enough for everybody, but I'm not gonna be throwing them around like Santa Claus because then everybody gets one and nobody had a good time, right?

Yeah. So I sit these over at our table and I start mowing through these fucking things, right? And they're saying, Dick, do you know the talent show's coming up? What have you got prepared? Like, I, nothing. You might not want to get too drunk. Well, and it's 1.75 liters.

That's a handle. 1.75. 1.75? Yep, thank you, Justin Malone. What the hell is in a, what, how big is that? It's a handle. It's the ones with the handles on them, right? Like the, oh, that makes sense.

1.75. That's easy to remember. That's almost two liters. Okay, so I bring the little baby bottle then the, the single serving. That's what I'm bringing. That's what I'm packing to the family reunion of the talent show, the single serving bottle

of wild turkey, the 750 milliliters, and enough beer to soak a sheep, right? So I'm gearing up for the event by just now, I'm starting to realize I don't have anything planned. So the beer is turning into water. And I'm passing. We all know the magic number of beers, which is three. Yeah.

I said goodbye to three before dinner. Okay. I'm going through. Now, I'm mixing it, throwing in a couple shots. I'm going through six, seven, and I'm getting to the worst possible amount of beer. There's a ceiling. There's a ceiling of drinking beers called losing count. And when you hit losing, when you hit, I lost count.

Doesn't matter how many you had, you could have had eight. Probably that's the lowest amount, probably. You could have had 18. Yeah. Doesn't matter because the things that are coming out of your mouth are totally random, not related. It could be a, it's a roll of a dice.

What's, are you gonna piss in your pants? Or are you going to dance a beautiful ballet dance like Chikovsky? Anything could happen. You're either a superhero, you're either the manifestation of your greatest fantasies or greatest failures at that point. You're either super powered,

or you are a super failure. Yep. Right? So I'm starting spinning in my head right, I'm like, hey, hey, I have a little powwow, I'm starting to get really sauce. This is so cool. The talent shows with my sister and her husband because the talent shows now stretching out.

Now, and I'm thinking maybe they forgot that I was gonna do anything. Maybe they just figured I would fuck it up. So they just said like, yeah, we're gonna tell them, but you know, and then then then. The talent shows getting into the point where there's a belly dancer now. There is a grown woman who is a family member,

a family member, belly dancing. Maybe, maybe 20 years ago, this would have been something, either 20 years or about 60 pounds ago. Something I, this is, and there's a guy up there mysteriously holding a guitar, not playing it, but singing along to the belly dancing music. Mm-hmm. And I'm sitting in the back.

The only way to get through this shot to hide his boner, I, possibly, the only way to get through this I'm saying is by drinking. So it's not my fault. No. You understand? No person. I give you a pass. No person living, no sane person could be watching this display and not drinking.

Yeah. So it's not my fault. Mm-hmm. So it finally comes round to me. I've lost count long ago. Yeah. And I say, hey, I need somebody's phone to my sister. I'm like, hey, you're into the metric system by now.

You don't know what number you want. I don't know what's going on. I need you, I need your fucking phone because I don't have my phone. I left it at home. I need to look up some cords or something so I can play some music at the show. I like, I got at an instrument that I haven't figured out.

On the piano, they got a keyboard. They do have a piano. I can get up there, but I don't, my bar room bullshit of playing, I can play for long enough that it takes to seduce a woman, which is about a chorus. You have to make it through, fiddle around through the first verse Start singing the pre-chorus play the chorus. That's it. I only know songs that far This this level of professionals is not going to work. That's not going to go. That's not going to be well received Right the first verse and chorus of crocodile rock and then not gonna win you the talent show and then yeah, and then

rubbing my wrists on myself like Who like Ray Charles that's not gonna work who does it didn't yeah, he did that Joker now Ray Charles did that no joke. Okay. Yeah, also joke. I had like a real he had a real stiff Yeah, I was weird. I like he had some kind of a stroke or something. Yeah. He said, he didn't, but he looked like it. So I say, oh God, I got a big problem. Let me look up some chords on your phone for a song that I can play. Yeah.

So I'm just racking my brain, beard, my hops infused brain that's now just a loaf of bread soaked in beer. Yeah. Mike, there's not, what the hell, there's nothing. I'm not gonna follow a belly dancing routine With just a random song pulled out of a catalog This is gonna be terrible. So I

Get called up there everybody's you know gone on forever. It's probably it's like the Oscars these talents Yeah, but nobody's playing off for yeah, nobody's playing. No. I get up there, I'm like, well, I got some stuff on it to phone. I barely read the phone anymore. Uh-huh. And that didn't make sense anymore. This should make sense, but it doesn't. I know the symbols are there. Yeah.

It's not turning into language though, my brain. So I get up there, get an idea. Pull up an old, old Mexican stand by. And I say, hey, everybody, hey, how's it going? How's it going? Into the microphone, right? Trying not to sound drunk. This song, my grandma used to sing this song

when I was a kid. I remember it, remember it my whole life. I always sing it in the shower, which is true. It says, one of those songs songs you get stuck in your head. You just can't get out of it. It's been stuck in, this fucking song's been stuck in my head since I was like five years old. I say my grandma used to sing this song. So I figure everybody here. You guys all probably know it. It's an old standard. I don't speak Spanish. So I can't read the lyrics so hot. If you know it, go ahead and sing along. Join in with the sing along, right?

This is a song that I associate with the family and with the abuela that's here. Well, let's all have a sing along together and close it out. I load up the little thing there, struggling to read on it. I start playing the song. I start playing the chords.

I start trying to read the Spanish off of the phone, like this is not going well. This sounds, if Mexican people were to make fun of it, like if they have a white person cleaning their houses on their TV shows, on their cartoons in Mexico, it would sound like me trying to read and stumble through this song, right?

Like everything turns into K. I'm doing is, I'm trying to not do a silly accent because that's not what I'm going for. And this time, thank God. Thank God. I can't tell if people are singing because the goddamn mic is so loud. Mm-hmm.

Oh, because this is really starting to get the man in a P.A. There's a whole, there's a P.A. It's a whole production. Jesus Christ. So I see some movement coming in. As it's falling apart, my God Christ, well, this was a good idea, executed poorly or perhaps a desperate idea, executed poorly. Next thing I see, some people leading my grandma up

to the stage, I say, hey people leading my grandma up to the stage. I say, hey, she's gonna, she's gonna join in. She's gonna help you out and I say, oh, my thank fucking god. Because I don't know any of these lyrics. I can't sing anything. Please tell me she's backhanded, you know. No, she sings it incredibly. Now you haven't told us a song.

Day Chalores. Rightably. Now you haven't told us a song. Day Chalores. Day Chalores. Something. Talkin' about the colors, Sean. They're singing about all the colors. I should know that one.

You should look it up. It's a good song. We finish it up. And the guys like the MC who's there playing all night, you know, leading the charge of this thing. All right. What's next? That's it. I'm leading this, leading the charge of this thing. All right, what's next? I was like, oh, that's it. I'm done. That's one and done.

Yeah. This is a one and done kind of evening. Yeah. Thank you, everybody, and good night. So, it went over. It went over. It went over. Yeah, it went over. Not no shit. Yeah.

All right, a stereo. So, here, let me see if he's got it. Did you win? Yeah, I won. Yeah. Sounds like it. Sounds like everybody won, Dick. Play the song. She goes, oh, me, Ho's beautiful. It's amazing. I can't believe that was so touching and one of us like, well,

the beer you should be thanking. Yeah. Yeah. Desperate times. Here it comes. There he is. Hey, what's up, hysteria? Hey, what's going on guys? Why are you whispering? Because it's like it's almost a one a.m. here. Okay. I don't want to wake up my roommate. Oh, that's right. You got a roommate. He was yelled at last time for this. Hey, so I wanted to ask the enigma. The enigma was supposed to be the enigma was yelled around. I guess I'll just do most of the talking. I want you to come to Philly.

We're gonna come to Philly, right? That's what I want to talk to you about. Oh my goodness. Well, a lot of people have been texting me and they've been tweeting me. They're asking me if I'm gonna come to Philly. And I have not responded to them to create sort of an artificial anticipation.

Okay. Let's end that. You're definitely coming to Philly. You're definitely coming to Philly. All right. Yeah, I mean, I should just, it's two hours away. sort of an artificial anticipation. Okay. Let's end that. I'm definitely coming to fill you. I'm definitely coming to fill you. All right. Yeah, I mean, I should just, it's two hours away.

I wouldn't visit for the world. Oh, wonderful. You're gonna have to take days off for this. The party's gonna be so big. I am literally taking the next day off of work. I'm taking PTO because my plan is to get like, function the next day. Your plan is to get so drunk you get like function the next day. Your plan is to get so drunk you can't function the next day?

That is exactly what I'm thinking because this is going to be crazy. Like everybody's going to be there. Like every fucking dick show fan is going to be there. This is going to just going to be not stop alcohol and absolute degeneracy. And I just I literally whispering like a serial killer. Well, I feel like a sea of people are jacking off right now. God, do it.

How do you talk to women in this kind of environment? Like do you know, it's perfect. I just like whisper to them. I'm like, hey, keep it down. You know, this isn't the time for words. Freaking stage whisper ever. Previous stage whisper ever. Previous stage whisper ever.

Previous stage whisper ever. Previous stage whisper ever. Yeah, it uses emojis and text thing all night. Oh, how do I talk to women on the phone? Is what you're saying? Yeah, do you even do that any other way? I don't know, you're dating younger girls. That's not a real problem.

I hate you, exactly. They're more into, they're more into like the texting. Yeah, you can't get allowed, you can't get a screamer in your situation. I don't know, I guess. Or is that okay? Is it just comedy that your roommate has a problem with? It would be...

The thing that he can jerk off to the screaming. So I think that's okay. He just can't jerk off to the enigma. Oh, okay. Well, I understand that. You know, for each his own. I mean, I'm sure there's a lot of people out there that finally dig my very attractive You know really kind of get some going but he's not one of them. All right. Well, I'm glad you're coming to the show

You got anything planned for you All I know is that I'm inviting my good friend Santa Cuck So I got him a plus one and I got him a ticket and that. And so he talked about maybe bringing gifts for all the good little cockles. That's great. Santa Cuck's gonna be bringing gifts. Yeah, yeah, he said like,

he said that like a lot of Dixia fans have been very good cucks this year. And that he wants to reward them in the spirit of Cuckoldry. I don't understand a lot of this stuff, but he's got it covered. So he's going to be there. I'll be there. I'm going to have a shitload of books to sell. Literally I have a giant suitcase full of copies of Toys for Cheap and my new book, The

Digital Cyberbook of Stereios Coconut, which you can get with. There's no question Patreon. Really weird cover, doesn't it? What's the Asterios book called? It's called The Digital Cyber Book of Asterios Coconut, and there's a photo, I think people should buy the book for the cover alone. The the cover looks, it looks like a stereosis doing an impression of like Carl Sagan. Yeah, exactly right. He's like real serious staring off into the into space. Yeah, like like a cover. No explanation.

No, no, no, no, no title on the cover. No, no, nothing. I just, and people are sending me pictures of this book in the craziest position. A dude had his super hot girlfriend hold the cover over her face. So it's like a super hot lady's body and then my goofy fucking melon. And then another dude put it on top of his anime sex pillow. And he's like, this is how I now get off. And I'm just like the travelosity gnome.

Yeah, I've exemplar gross sex. Oh, shit. It is the best. Finally, I have something to jerk off to. So it's really fantastic. And the book is, it's a best of. It's like 72 pages of essays and short stories and comics and shit But it's a great cover great. Um, all right. Well, I'm glad you're gonna be there

I'm so goddamn excited. Hey, how long were you on billboard for how long were you on the billboard charts? You know what after three weeks I stopped I stopped looking like I'm not exciting anymore. We've done to writing Santa Cuck II or Cuckabas carols too. Colin, fuck you, George, which probably you coming out in May. And so, you know, so we have a lot, it's going to be twice as long. Yeah. And it's going to be twice as spiteful. Oh, good. There is just a minute long, angry monologue about mental chess.

I think our audience will like. You know, speaking of God, I got a little bit of flag last week for bringing in that stuff about Leah. You know what I was talking about Leah? Yeah. Because she was the, she was the impetus for Maddox's crying. Problem first.

I don't know if I made it clear because I was thinking, I read a couple comments online saying it was out of order for me to talk about. How did I phrase it? She got used like a comrag or something like that. Look, I don't know how else to phrase it. That's the problem. You can't be a word Smith all the time.

No, because that's what, like I pictured in my mind, I got it in my mind and I don't know how to think, because the problem was this, like this is why I think that it matters because this is what I see online This is why Leia will do anything and say anything to go after me because she's letting a famous guy plow her in that way With absolutely nothing attached to it sobbing about it later for the chance

to touch fame. If there's any confusion as to why she's so hard, why any of these dopey broads are so into supporting writing Maddox's dick online and going out of their way to call me a liar and a piece of shit. If there's any, if anyone is wondering why these chicks are just spontaneously tripping over themselves to say that I'm a piece of shit with no evidence, no reasonable explanation at all. This is my attempt to explain it

because this person has a history of doing anything to touch fame. I don't know if I made that clear when I dropped the, when I dropped the gossip out, Leah, that it was a, it's a famous guy that was using her like a quote, come rag. That was why it's important. That's why it's important.

And it's, and I've never heard the fucking it when the whole time we were doing that show, constant bitching about it from Maddox That's why it's important go. What are you gonna say? Well in that context? Come rag is actually eloquent It's eloquent. Thank you very much. Uh, asterious you want to you want to hang around and listen to an erotic story Let's send in You know what I would love to but it's it's crazy late over here. Get out of here. I'm glad. I didn't know. I didn't mean that. Yeah, what?

I wonder why she decided to pull the trigger on going public at all, because you think if she was going to do it, she would have done it a year ago. Yeah. Like, that's the thing, that is the thing that puzzles me about this because she has been obviously privately talking shit about you since it all went down. Well, that's also why I thought it was important that it's a famous guy because I know that it's going straight to them. Like I know that everything I'm seeing in public is a tip of the fucking iceberg.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, yes, that is absolutely true. If she's going to respond to one random fan on Instagram, like whenever that fan did to her, they triggered her so that she had to have a response, you know, I see a lot, I see life a lot like Dungeons and Dragons. Sure. You might imagine where it's just like, like, you got to imagine, a lot of people are hitting her up on Twitter and being like, hey, why this, why that? Why don't you talk in a dick, blah, blah, blah, blah. And most of the time, those people are not hitting her AC.

But this one time, someone rolls a natural to any and she responds. Yeah. I wonder what it was about this particular incident that triggered her. Well, it was because, what would think she'd be smarter and have like something to say or nothing at all. Like that she would have something to offer beyond. I'm not allowed to say anything.

I like who? Why? Who? Who's not allowing you? Why not? Like none of none of that stuff is bad. It's just an explanation. I know.

I mean, that's that, and here's the thing. If you, and again, I look at a lot of this, just, it's just tactically baffling. If you are gonna go public, take your, like, take out your fist and take your best shot. Don't be like, I'm not allowed to talk about it, but this guy sucks. Like, that's what you wasted your public bullet on.

And what you just said right there, 100% true. Like if you're going to do it, you have to do it. You got to do it. You have to do it. You got to say everything. Both barrels. That's it. And then it falls where it may. Hey, what do you think we should do with the billboard, by the way? Some people are shitting on my dick lines idea, but I got a lot of, I got reasons for why I think it's the best. No, I think tick lines is definitely the best. I think that the people that are, the people that are shitting on it don't understand what you're trying to do. Like, I'm seeing the reason a lot where it's like people aren't going to know what it means.

And the point of the billboard is to get more listeners. And it's like, no, it's not. A billboard is not a way to get more podcast listeners. The point of the billboard is to annoy Maddox. And this guy thought he genuinely, when he sat down and he made his little stupid plan. The cherry on the top of his fucking god Sunday was, I'm going to create a hashtag called Digg Lies. And this is going to propagate and everyone's going to be using hashtag dig lies. Like he really thought that was going to work because he's really, really stupid. He just

happens to be good at funnily complaining about shit that certain, that a certain segment of the population also agrees with. So for you to flip dig lies on its head and use it to stab this guy in the guts to let me take the failed corpse of a missed shot and turn it against him. Is poetic justice? It's ironic and it's funny. I think you should put up eight billboards. I don't think you should just put up one. There's $300.

Yeah. Just put up eight in them. I think one for eight months though. That's the way to roll. Not eight for one month, one for eight months. But okay, let me give you the counter point to that. Okay. There's nowhere Maddox can hide from eight billboards.

After a while, it's gonna become, that one billboard is gonna become white noise. I just love the idea that it's like, there's no part of the city where he's safe He's in city only goes to one place like he plays around on Facebook and dark dark souls all day like he only walks to one coffee store Wait a minute what? No You're right about that. Yeah, I forgot. He doesn't go anywhere. He's gone or wreck on tour, no? No. With Ron, I can't, you've convinced me.

All right, buddy, I'll see you in Philly. I can't fucking wait. Okay, is there anything more frightening than the thought of like Astero's telling a child a bedtime story in that place? He's like a creepy version of the, in a world guy. But never sleep again. In a world where children don't wear clothes Alright

See ya I'm playing a ratic story about that Oh Prisons The Dix show presents erotic stories from real men. All right, this one was sent in by EAP. EAP goes, goes a little something like this. Hey, Dick, I send you my erotic story. Good start.

Yes. I apologize if it's not well written, but English is not my first language. And to be honest, where's the problem? I don't know. We'll see, maybe it's a, I don't know, spoiler. And to be honest, I had to learn English all by myself.

A little background info, I live in a shithole country, believe me, where I'm from, crime is rampant. And every day you were at risk of being robbed, killed or duped. You could get robbed, killed, or you could get duped. Sean, so he's from Brazil. Maybe it is. It is in strange, then, that girls are always suspicious, KG, and cautious with guys. So it's very hard to have one at one night stand or fuck a girl right away. An example of this is that here girls use Tinder just to make friends. Whoa. That's a...

That's a dire straits, man. Nobody wants to go... It's like in communist Russia, Tinder uses... Yeah, yeah. Girls just make friends on... Yeah. Anyway, the irony is that they are not like this with foreigners. Gringas, the way they call every white female foreigner that doesn't speak Spanish, have

a reputation of being easy. So they are always coveted. Oh boy. This was the case of my 100% real erotic story. I've seen memes of this situation, but I guess sometimes memes are inspired in real-life events. I was invited to my friend's wedding. I reluctantly went as I hate weddings.

This place was fancy. I sat on a table with some of my high school friends which the majority are married and have kids. I greeted this acquaintance, let's call him Mario because he looks like Mario brothers. And he's also almost a midget. Who introduced me to this eight out of... He's really hard.

He's almost. Almost got it. Those shoes. Put some flip flops on. I love your height. I work a little harder, buddy. Work a little harder. Who introduced me to this eight out of 10 girl? She was obviously not from here and stood out like a giraffe

in a troop of macaques. I don't know if that loses something in translation. Yeah. Macaques are birds, right? Yes. They're parrots. A giraffe would still stand out amongst them, but it's also a four-legged horse-like creature. Right? Not as to a bird.

I've posed to a bird. Yeah. I get it though. She was slim, tall, blonde hair, and her cans were as big as cantaloupes Her face reminded me of a hamster I had She was very cute. I don't know if it's an insult or not. She was very cute. Although she had a flat rump That's okay. She was from Germany barely spoke Spanish when we communicated in English. She told me She arrived to help kids and what she did, but I didn't pay any attention because I didn't care.

I was astonished that this acquaintance was with this girl as he barely speaks English. Anyway, I was drinking whiskey. She was sitting next to me. I glared her and she winked at me. I was perplexed. What was the meaning of this monkey shine? Monkey shine. He used that.

Yeah. What's the meaning of this monkey shine? Yeah. I was determined to find out. But as I was about to make my move, this other girl came in and made me dance with her. I danced. I don't understand why women love to dance. This other girl was fine,

but I was in a mood for cantaloupes and not tangy reins. I didn't read this before, did I? That sounds familiar. Well, I was dancing. I looked to the German girl. She seemed bored. As all Mario was doing, his drink champagne. I sensed her. See, this is what I was talking about, that other episode, the bonus episode when Mad Cux was calling me a piece of shit for going after women who are involved or who are married or dating, whatever. You gotta keep those women satisfied.

Or guys like me and EAP will swoop in there, scoop them up. You're not treating these women. You're not treating these. You're not maintaining what you got. Yeah, come in there, swoop in. You're just drinking champagne all night. Swoop in there. I sensed her displeasure of this crapulence. It was around 12 a.m.

and I returned to the table to rest after dancing for an hour and a half and drink some more whiskey. I remembered Dick's advice and I told the German girl nice shoes as I lightly and quickly caressed her left calf. It's gone. Advance maneuver, right there. I could see her skin crawl. She blushed.

Did he mean it like that? She blushed, smiled at me. Go either way. She blushed, smiled at me. Go either way. She blushed, smiled at me and winked again. Uh-huh. In that moment, I knew I was gonna fuck her. I whispered in her ear, come with me. She looked troubled and pointed at Mario.

I told Mario, hey, dude, I'm gonna give German girl a tour. Mario did a gesture that I interpreted as a nod, but I was, but he was too drunk to know. I gave her a tour and we did a gesture that I interpreted as a nod, but I was, but he was too drunk to know. I gave her a tour and we talked a little bit after the tour. I took her to the parking lot and kissed her. I could feel the tension in her body. I told her, relax, babe, I'm not going to do anything you won't like. Okay. I don't know. I don't know if that's a good line because it puts the idea that they're not going to like something in their head.

You know, a better line is like, some people are saying, I'm the best lover, but I am a great lover. Mm-hmm. Maybe not the best. You know, although that's bad too, I don't know. Condom, she asked? Yes, I have one of those. As I pulled out a condom, I had in my car.

After a while, she was heavy breathing, licking my face like a dog eating Nutella. Is that what they do down there? It's not peanut butter. Nutella. Nutella. Well, desperately trying to take my belt off. I helped her.

I was immersed in pure debauchery. I was sucking on those perfect breasts. Her nipples were erect in the noise of her moaning was getting me hornear. Yeah, yeah, more. Yeah, yes, now she's German too, yeah, that's pretty good. She bent over and said, fact me now, I indulge. At first, her pit was tight.

She was almost bawling at this point. Oh my God, I was engrossed in pleasure. After a while, it wasn't tight anymore. I checked my rod and I was engrossed in pleasure. After a while, it wasn't tight anymore. I checked my rod and I was shocked. I wasn't aware I was performing anal to her all this time. Is that possible? Has that ever happened to you? No, neither.

Man, it takes a lot of work to get it, although maybe he's really drunk. And she doesn't, huh. My crankshaft came out like a chocolate-covered banana, but at this point I didn't care. She didn't want me to come on her face, so I did it on her tits. That was nice, gentlemen. After a brief repose and a cleanup, we went back in, after a while I left the party. God damn, this guy's a real fucking smooth operator. Later that day. He didn't say anything.

That was it. This one, no. But he said, he said, I'm not gonna do anything you won't like. And he immediately had to be fucking. Right. Later that day, Mario called me, asked me about what the fuck I did with his girlfriend, and she was talking a lot about me. Oh, what do you mean?

I replied. He told me that she was just asking questions about me. I was relieved. He then said he had great expectations with this girl and that she might be the one. I told him, look, man, don't get such high hopes on her. She was winking at me all night long. He said, huh You're crazy, man. She has this nervous tick when she's anxious. She twitches like this I now know why she was winking at me. There you go

The dick show presents A little he fucks her anyway She's like, yeah, it's cool. It's the confidence, man. It's the magic feather. Yeah. It's the man. That's what you got to do. You're right. It's a magic feather. If you're, if you're gonna hit on a girl, you're like, yeah, you just imagine that she gave you a compliment. Just right before you're about to talk to her, imagine that she said something nice to you. We got to tend to tell Denzel this. Yeah. He's in a, he started a threat on Reddit of asking for advice on what to do with women. And it's like, it's a mile long of people giving him good fucking advice.

I brought some of it in, but you, man, that's as soon as, it's right when you go up to talk to her, just say like she just turned to you and smiled and said, uh, it's good advice. Yeah. And said something nice. Yeah. Like, hey, uh, hey's good advice. Yeah, and said something nice. Yeah. Like, hey, uh, hey, you look like you've got a huge penis. And then you just walk up, oh, thank you. Hi, how you doing?

My name's Dick. Nice to, you get some nice shoes there. I noticed you shoes, they look great. Oh, one fell swoop. Yeah, and then you've already, you're already in a good mood. Cause she's gonna see that you're in a good mood and treating her like she's in a good mood. It's cause gonna, this guy has it, this guy has a secret wisdom, the secret winking, secret ticking.

Wait, whatever. All right, what else? We got the billboard, a ton of people sent in billboards. I'm gonna post them. Post on the side. Oh, dude, they're great. Let me see if I got any good ones. I can show you right now.

Let's see. Can you see this screen? That all? Let me move if I got any good ones. I can show it right now. Let's see. Can you see this screen? That all? Let me move it so you can see it. Can you see that? All right. Here's me serving up. This is the billboards that people are sending in. Here's me serving up some hot goss Cuck just a giant bill point that says cuck cuck. It's like a dictionary pronunciation of cuck one the unfa- the husband of an unfaithful wife To to make a Cuckold of a husband, three Maddocks.

It's pretty good. I mean, that's a clean looking billboard. Yeah, it is. This guy's sending a couple from half the team behind the hit podcast, the biggest problem of the years. The Dix show. This one has a lot of blank space on it. Let's see.

Oh, this one is, you know, this is just a screenshot of me and then the Dix show crudely written with the MS paint. It looks like a, not even, this is just a screenshot of me and then the Dix show crudely written with the MS paint. It looks like a, like an 80s like Corey Hay movie or something. Boy, what do you mean? I don't know, just that would look like the artwork on that. Yeah, yeah. There's just a hashtag, Dick Lyne. I was just pretty good at the spray.

I get right there in Tixana. One bad podcast, Dick is the winner. Yeah, I don't know. I can clear on the health insurance shit last week. Did that make any sense? Does anybody care about health insurance anymore? It was, yeah, I think so. So I got, life coach sent me this great write-up on a site called MarketTicker. Like I said, I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure if I can do that. I'm not sure, I think so. So I got, life coach sent me this great write-up on

a site called MarketTicker, like a stock site where this guy goes, goes into detail. He says what I was saying a lot, a lot more clearly and with some math attached to it, where basically what I was saying is if you have a pre-existing condition, you don't need insurance, you need health care. Like when Obama says all these more people got insurance, like nobody's saying, is that what they needed? Like what exactly do they need? You need something that allows them to afford insurance that can help them take the medicine that they need.

Like a pre-existing condition doesn't mean that your life is shorter if you're properly treated, you can go along and need the treatment. You just need the treatment. And the probability of needing the treatment is 100%. Right. Yeah. If you or I have insurance in case we get a broken arm,

which for us is 50, know, 50-50. There's probably a 50-50 chance I'm gonna break an arm. Have you ever broken anything? Uh, no. I've broken a lot of things. It's crazy. Yeah. I've never, I've never, maybe a finger one time.

Get a stuck in someone's ass. Ass farming, the ruff, the rigors of ass farming. Yeah. If one of us, so we're paying for health insurance, if one of us breaks something, we don't have to pay $10,000, $20,000. Yeah. We don't go into debt because of it.

Right. But if you have something that's wrong with you and you need treatment, you don't need insurance, you just need to not go into bankruptcy. Yeah, you need something that's going to allow you to be able to afford the treatment. It's like, so it's like, this is the analogy that I'm thinking now. It's like you have car insurance to keep you from not having a car anymore. Yeah.

Right? And you don't have gas insurance for running out of gas, because you will definitely run out of gas. Yeah. You just go to the gas station and pay for it with money. So if the chance is a hundred percent that you're gonna need something, pay for it with money. You don't need insurance in there screwing up the calculations for everybody.

Yeah. And that's what's fucking it up. Like, insurance. But you're talking about overhauling the system to where like it's like, oh, now somebody who pays cash, they need to be able to afford that. Yes. And what this guy's saying is that the actual cost of things would shock you.

Because, I mean, how cheap it is. Yes. The combination of what I understand, what's going on with insurance. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it bugs me that every time it gets brought up, somebody says, oh, you just wanted to let people die. And I'm thinking that nobody wants to let anybody die, but this idea that everybody insured is the magic.

But like, okay, okay, you know, you think I want to just let people die. You, by putting everyone on insurance, are guaranteeing that less people get medical attention. You're killing people, not me. That's what, because if you broke it away from insurance and made it about the cost of healthcare, we can lower that, we can't,

but you can't fix, you can't lower insurance by ensuring whether or not somebody's gonna run out of gas. Does that make, like, if you had to file a claim with Geico every time you ran out of gasoline, you know how much that shit would cost at the pump? Like $30 a gallon. It would just, you just swipe your card and they'd say, well, everybody gets X amount of Phillips every year.

Like everybody gets X amount of teeth cleaning every year. It's two problems they're lumping in under one umbrella. Exactly. Yeah. That was my point. And this guy does a really, really, really interesting right up of it. Yeah, we just don't want to let people, it's not even about, it's not even about people dying.

It's about people going bankrupt. Oh yeah, no, yeah, absolutely. Like there's, and nobody says that shit though, like they try to bust these politicians, oh, you want people dying in the street, like nobody, hey, I got some, I got a hard fact for you. Nobody fucking cares about people dying in the street because nobody thinks they are going to die in the street. That's true.

What everybody cares about is losing 50 grand because of God. That's what we're afraid of that I get a brain tumor and I'm out $200,000 for the rest of my fucking life. Totally true. That's what I want. Totally true. Death, not on the table.

You just making it sound like something bigger than it is. You fucking prick. Yep. No, it's making it sound like something bigger than it is. You fucking prick. Yep. No, it's the bankruptcy thing. It's the big, it's my year. It's my year. It's my year. It's my year.

It's my year. Your family's life, people, everybody going into debt or bankrupt to help you. Yeah, you're right. You're right. That's a perfect sense. Um, check out the new, check out the bonus episode at patreon.com slash the next show. Affirmative nod. Yeah, you got it.

Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for tuning in. the bonus episode at patreon.com slash the Dix show affirmative nod. Yeah, you got thanks for tuning in. Thanks for tuning in late. We're all going to opening day on Tuesday. So I'm sure I'll have something to complain about after that. Make sure you get a ticket for Philly Road rage. Wait, opening day is not Tuesday Monday. We're all I'm sorry. We're all going to opening day tomorrow. Yeah, we all have already been opening day. So I to the next week. I have a lot of bullshit about how you can't tailgate anymore in the death of fun in America. This dickmasters and see you next Tuesday. This, this, this outro is brought to you by race spence. It's called outro.

Let's see race band and let me find it. Race band and featuring dickmasters. And here we go. Hey, hey, uh, both for dick. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm going to export that ass. export that ass. De-regulate that ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. ass. You know somebody said they were gonna get a tattoo if I drew it? Somebody on reddit said they're gonna get a tattoo if I would draw it. You know if I'd be saying such things publicly. I'll have them call in if they're serious, because I will draw a tattoo.

You can draw too. Not for this I can't. Let me see here. How you doing on time? It's late. Both of them. I'm going to come and ask for it. I'll be the final one. I'll take the export that ass.

I'll be the final one. I'll take the export that ass. I'll be the final one. I'll take the export that ass. I'll be the final one. I'll take the export that ass. I'll be the final one. I'll take the export that ass.

I'll be the final one. I'll be the final one. I'll take the export that ass. I'll be the final one. I'll be the final one. I'll be the final one. So I go to Home Depot, I need some screws. I might need some other stuff, I don't know. Sometimes things need me to buy them. Some going around, checking to see if there's anything that needs me. There are 40 employees, every single one of them wants to know. Can I help you with anything? Are you doing all right?

Can I help you find anything? Thank you for shopping. Every single one of them. There's nothing to do. There's three other customers in the store. They all know what they need. I like when they do that, man. Yeah.

Oh, you know what I said I was gonna do? Okay, Reddit had a open rage. Everybody said what made them a rage. Open rage Friday. I have to do this every week. But here's, I said I'd read the winner out. Do you have to support it? What do you mean? Do you have to like bring a rage?

Or is it just like this is? No, no, this is like a full rage. It's there's voting. There's voting on Reddit. Okay, let's see, this guy, the guy who won is Maddie Tom Tom. Yeah, Maddie Tom Tom, Speed Bumps. He says, I swear to every deity in humanity's history, there's never been the bane of my existence.

There are two kinds of Speed Bumps. This is his point. The old decrepit ramshackled piles of crumbled concrete held together by duct tape and broken dreams, the pathetic man made mole heels are almost unnoticeable until my truck is sending my neck into whiplash city. They look aesthetically wretched and serve the speed bumps, the non-uniformity of speed bumps drive me fucking crazy.

Yeah, well you got those big humps, that they call humps. You got the humps. But you can actually drive pretty fast over. You get, they're fun. When I see those things, I put the pedal down to the fucking floor. They put them in like Disneyland parking lot.

It defeats the purpose. It's totally defeats, because not one, and I, the low rider, that I, the now, which is now a low rider with the zip ties on the bottom, I am so precious about the bottom of my car that if I see a pothole in the road, like I sit up straight, I try to remove, I try to remember where on the bottom of my car is lower

than this so I can drive around, but man, when I see those Disneyland parking lot speed bumps that are like at a grade of two degrees and they seem to like you could park your car on the top of those speeds. They do absolutely nothing. Floor it. Ah, hit those fucking speed. Then you got the speed bumps like the old ones that he's talking about that are a perfect you. They might as well be a fence. These speed bumps, you hit it like a wall. You can hit into rim like that. Oh my God, yeah, he's totally right.

The new and well-maintained ones, usually painted with yellow and black stripes, they tend to be very noticeable. It's in the shape of a thick trapezoid and will catapult your car's chassis into the next dimension, leaving you in the ER with 20 concussions. I can go over these stupid things

with two yards an hour, and it still feels like I'm letting the earth stab the... Yeah man, speed bumps, such a pain in the ass. Alright.