The Dick Show - Episode 45 - Dick on Opening Day

Episode Date: April 11, 2017

Preventing late podcasts, Liquor pacing, Madcucks vs Existence #2, Dodger's opening day, Buckley's edible hat, stealing from the rich and giving to myself, Randy's smooth-talking, bad neighbors, why Buckley was banned from the delivery room, Ginger Ale's hand-drawn tattoo, The Five-Life, girl and boy cartoon shows, hot chicks farting on planes, the Middle East is a money pit, Sam Glaze, My Room Records, Laughter Therapy with Sean, the biggest prank in the universe, The Best Book in the Universe, and the most 2.5 million downloads in the universe; all that and more this week on The Dick Show! Episode 45

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In under a year. Under a year. Two and a half million. That's amazing. Two and a half, what happened to two million? I don't know. I didn't even see it. Number doesn't exist.

We're going at thousands, tens of thousands of miles an hour. Light speed is too slow. Didn't even see it. The number doesn't exist. We're going at thousands, tens of thousands of miles an hour. Light speed is too slow. Didn't even see it. Ludicrous speed. We overshot two million by a week and a half. Two point five million down low. That's such a nice number. Never, never been there before.

Never could have even imagined that this show would hit two point five million downloads. Who this is that we're at McDonald's level territory. How many hamburgers have you served? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Have can't even keep track anymore. Has it been 2.5 million?

Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe it's been 2.5 million downloads astounding, unbelievable. Thank you to everyone who down, not if you didn't even listen, it's okay, but as long as you're downloaded it, if you downloaded it, thank you, if you just downloaded it and said, I'll get to it later. And you didn't, that's okay too.

Still, thank you. Thank you for downloading, download every episode, every download counts. It's like a vote. I don't care who you vote for, you just gotta go vote. You got to download. Listen later, but download now, download twice, download on your kids' phones, download on your mom's phone, download, download, download, download. Go to your public library, search out the jerk off porno machines that they have there and download the show We want to ramp the downloads up into the millions and billions served of dick hot dick Downloads all day every day all around the world downloads. That's the magic word of the day is Downloads 2.5 million Day all around the world downloads. That's the magic word of the day is downloads to point five

Million downloads. Thank you very much joining us today I think y'all that my billy maize for like five minutes. Oh, man speaking of yelling We had opening day last week. We did by the way with me today is Nathan Buckley. How you doing? Hey everybody? Thanks for thanks for coming into the studio today. Yeah, I didn't know it was coming into a 2.5 million situation. Whoa, you fucked up! You fucked up because you walked. You better start believing in 2.5 million downloads,

darling, because you are in it. Last week, the episode was a little late. I don't know if you knew that. Um, I figured it would be. I messed up. Yeah, I messed up. I read me because he went to opening day. I went to opening day, myself, Sean, Buckley,

life coach, Randy, life coach, my brother-in-law, basically the legion of doom of this show. Yeah, basically the entire brain trust of this show went to Dodgers opening day last week as his tradition. If there was a, if there was a terrorist attack on that, on that stadium that day, and we all got wiped out, that would be the end. Yeah. There's no going on. We would have lost the formula for Coke. That's how dangerous. 80s girls there too. Nobody, it would have only been a stereo

is who could have carried the show going forward if that stadium had a gas show on the former Dick show. Yeah, we went to opening day. I woke up on Monday before opening day and said, hey, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna keep it under control this year. Because I got a responsibility, man. I got a show to upload and write an article about. I got to do this.

There's people waiting in Australia and in Norway, waiting in Australia and Norway, and Norway, and other countries and Germany, Mexico. Well, Mexico's our time zone though, but all there's people that wake up and they want that fresh dick. They wanna get a load of it. They want the dick in their ear. I got a responsibility to give these people

the hot rage that they want. I'm just going to keep it cool this year. And I was, we were doing shots by 11 a.m. That was not happening. As it always is, whenever you want to keep it under control, whenever your intention is to keep it cool, absolutely the opposite. Yeah, that tends to happen. Absolutely the opposite. Yeah, that tends to happen. Absolutely the opposite. And that is the type of the opening day is the type of event. Where you are you are you are in such a sprint. Of debauchery that you do not have the opposite of the it's the opposite of the Marines they never leave a man behind right. Opening day is the kind of drinking event where you try to leave every man behind.

Oh, yeah. Producer Randy had no idea you guys took off. No, neither did you. No, I did. Well, I knew you weren't coming back. It's look guys. So there's that look. They're going to Pacific Dining Car, which is one of the oldest take houses in LA.

Yeah, where? That's the goal. That's the capture, the flag. I'm amazed there's not a picture of you guys on the wall where it's like, this happens every opening day, this group is not to be let in. Well, if anything, although your money is probably good, so you didn't go to opening day with us.

You didn't go to Pacific Dining Car with us, I mean. No, okay, so after, after the game, you just remember, after the game, I break off in a dead sprint to get to the Pacific Dining Car every year because it's like a, it's like a, it's like a cannonball run to see who gets there and how they get there. And everybody utilizes their unique method of either trickery or canivery.

Is that a word? Taking shortcuts. All Relatin' my life coach is all reliable. He just sits there and waits for the world to pass him by. Well, he's like big poly and good fellows. I don't understand that really. Well, he doesn't have to, you know, it's like he doesn't have to move for anybody.

Yeah. He waits for the perfect opportunity. And that's how he gets the, it's was a move fast because he doesn't have to. Exactly. What is it? 5, it's, what's a move fast because he doesn't have to. Exactly, what is it? 5, 10 miles, this trek from, from Dr. Stadium to the Pacific Dining Car. Yeah, it could be a home base.

Probably at least five miles. Because once you get to the Pacific Dining Car, every year, every year as the drinking increases, as the Mayhem increases, the fear that authorities will somehow, like, my mind regresses to that point where I feel like a child, where I've done just something wrong. It's like a bad dream. And at any moment, the authorities are going to come down and punish me. And I don't know. Send me to like, send me to jail or take, pull my pants down and take my pants and say,

there you go. Now you've got a deal with getting home with no pants, kid. It's a sinking feeling that I've had too much fun and that I've somehow done something wrong. It happens every year, right? Yeah, you did. Do a lot of things wrong. You broke the law a couple times. Well, so it's not just you feel like you're having too much fun.

It's also you breaking the law. Maybe. Yeah, we'll get to that. So every year, I feel like as soon as we get to the Pacific dining car, we're safe. Yeah. And that's like, that's like home. It feels like being in bed when you're a kid.

You're like, oh, man, I had a really shitty day. Everyone is mean to me. I got yelled at. I'm embroiled in these controversies at school, but I'm home, and I'm in bed, and I'm safe here. These walls, these walls are protecting me at the Pacific dining car, right? So this year, as I said, every year, everybody takes their own way to get there. And at their own time, but it's a race. But it still a race. It depends on, I think you guys are probably past the point of caring about the game, especially

because it was such an ass kicking on opening day. The Dodgers were killing them. People were leaving seventh, eighth. You know, it's the one thing. Dodgers stadium is the worst parking lot on planet earth. Well, this is why it's so much fun, because you've really got to be resourceful. And every year something changes a little bit. Every year the cops crack down a little harder. This year, Uber showed up. They had a big stupid pavilion run by 20 year olds trying to shield their app as though people haven't heard of Uber. They didn't do anything

in the software to make it easier to get picked up at Dodger Stadium, but they built this pavilion with their giant logo across it and a bunch of free waters sponsored by the Boxed Water Company, think differently. Did any of you take Uber from the stadium? Well. Well, we took a little bit more than that. Did you guys actually, you waited for an Uber in the stadium parking lot? Someone else's Uber? Well, that's the only way you can actually take an Uber

because that's the stupidest thing to do. You will be waiting for hours if you call a fucking Uber. And have you seen those lines? You obviously saw those lines and went in front of the line. Well, we were sitting there. I had requested the Uber at Dodges Stadium and it accepted somebody accepted it, but they were like downtown.

You gotta be fucking kidding me. That's where the line is. But no, they had a bunch of people in the stadium parking lot. Like they kind of thought it out. They had all the drivers in there, but they didn't make anything on the app, say like no dude, you can't do, so we're sitting there waiting,

we're sitting there waiting forever. Believing that the system is gonna work, usually I just start walking, because I'm so impatient. Like three years ago, my dad, my dad went with this, and he said he's never going again. Yeah, he said I'm never going with you guys. Was it because of your behavior? It was too big of a shit show.

It's too, yeah. Because you guys were good in the stadium. Well, this year, yeah. But nobody does, it's only the first out again. Yeah, everybody, yeah, everybody was cool. And we were winning, they stopped doing, they stopped making it Dodgers versus Giants.

So there's a lot less like people wanting, people trying to get hit and people wanting to hit them. Yeah. There's a lot less animosity. True. Because nobody versus San Diego. them. There's a lot less animosity. True. When it's L.A. versus San Diego. Because San Diego is a nice town. And nobody cares about the podraes.

Well, guys like Denzel. Yeah, just there to have a good time, man. Yeah. So everyone played a good game. They're just like, all right, all right. Nice job. We come on to congratulate each other afterwards. So we go out.

It's very civil. And I decide to wait. I decide I'm going to be stupid and wait for the Uber this year. And I decide to wait, I decide I'm gonna be stupid and wait for the Uber this year. So we go to Little Uber Pavilion where they have a bunch of, I don't know, college kids running around,

helping people install the app. As if that's, is that, that sounds like a church. Sounds like a door open. Anyway, they have a bunch of college kids running around, trying to help people install the app. And we're waiting there forever. The guy, every time I make a request, it's a guy who's five miles outside of the stadium

in a place where even 20 feet is gonna take you 20 minutes to get through, to get into, like if you're not there, don't accept the fucking thing. So I keep requesting the thing, oh, come on. Yeah, here, somebody picked me up, guys downtown. Somebody picked me up, guys in North, somebody took me up, like you see where I am, somebody picked me up, so we're sitting there.

We're sitting there. Life coach takes forever to get there. I don't know how he figures it out, but he figures out some miraculous way. I look up Buckley's been sitting on a generator. And like we found a place in the pavilion where they stored all their stuff, you know, a generator, all the waters.

So we're sitting there like on a horde of free promotional garbage. That they're light bulbs. Yeah, light bulbs. We're throwing light bulbs into our satchels. I'm loading 80s girl up with squiggly light bulbs and waters. Like where the apocalypse is coming, right?

Buckley's sitting on a generator. Uber's generator revving it up like a toy horse. Just to clear people, like every time some people come around on their cell phones talking and complaining about something, ah, Buckley fires up the generator. Like he's riding a motorcycle and gallops it around like a horse. That wheels on it.

So suddenly life coach shouts out to me, hey, we only have room for one more, see you suckers at Pacific dining car. That sounds exactly like what would happen. And I'm like, all right, this is what I'm gonna do. This is I cracked the plan. Yeah. And this is what I'm gonna do. This is, I cracked the plan. Yeah. And this is what made it so fun, right?

This is what turned the whole thing into a, into a heist. I say, okay, all right, 80s girl, come on, here, here, come with me. I grab the generator from under Buckley and say, let's go. You're gonna go, you're gonna go. How big is that? I'm picturing like a Honda generator. No, it's like a 2000 watch, like a little handheld generator. 2200 watch. So I'm like, Hey, Hey, Hey, Baby, this is going to we're going to turn this into a heist, right? So I'm you, I'm utilizing everyone's greatest strengths, like oceans 11 in this heist to get out of Dodger Stadium.

Like, all right, baby, here, I grabbed the generator and Buckley get the hell off of the gen. I grabbed the generator. I said, baby, come here. You get in this, my life coach has room for one more. You get in there. And I say, Uber guy, open the trunk, open the trunk. And he's like, why? I feel like, why? I'm like, I need to get my generator

to the Pacific dining car. So he passed the trunk. I toss the generator in there and close it. And she's like, oh, are you sure that you want me to be 80s girls? Like are you sure you want me to be and a accomplice to a crime? No, no, no, no, it's not a crime, it's my gen. I was just keeping it safe.

He just found it. If the owner, if the actual owner has their or fully infuriated, Uber sucks, Moose Talk. It wasn't due. It was a chain of Uber sucks. I was sitting there. So angry at the failure of the app.

It's a get us out of there like every time. And then they charged me. It's a fucking far. Then they charged me 10 bucks. Yeah, I did. Because I canceled like, oh, you canceled too late. 10 bucks like, are you fucking kidding me? Okay.

I see 10 bucks right here. I'm we're gonna, we're gonna work this out the easy way. So I grab it, throw it in the back of the trunk. And she goes, well, are you sure you want? I can wait here with you. And I'm like, no we're gonna work this out the easy way so I grab it throw it in the back of the trunk And she goes well, are you sure you want I can wait here with you and I'm like no, no, baby You got to get in this car because you got to make sure that this generator gets to the pacific dining car Like you got to make you got to I know if I drop it in here without you it's gone That's gone light life coaches two upstanding of a man He's never gonna participate in this nice with me. How did he get an Uber like two seconds?

He walked out of the stadium like I swear to God, he just walked right in a car. I know, we had been waiting. I don't know how, but Randy, so after that happened, so I loaded up in the car, you know, and give one of those tap, tap, like as I'm thinking, I'm feeling like I'm like, George Clooney and Opens Ocean's 11, it's my right?

Like everybody's cylinders, there's no, I couldn't have carried that thing out on my own, but it just so happened, just pulls up and I'm like, yep, let's go pop the trunk boom, gone. Gone, that thing is gone. So we go back, we start walking and I'm shouting at a guy on the phone. I see an Uber driver in his car also shouting on the phone

I think it's my guy. Yeah, right? So I open the car and He's like, hey, uh, oh are you Raff and I'm like no Randy goes. Yeah, I'm Raff He got there. You go classic manager Hollywood bamboozler I can't even believe that he found you guys because you guys were gone for some minutes at least. Well, because we drunkenly staggering, so he maybe had a little time to catch up. But he was, he sat there and had a conversation with me and the guy next to me for a good 10 minutes, standing up and pointing at us, at which one of the four of us I don't know what he was seeing at the time.

He had a row all of his own that he was still screaming. Oh yeah. And so he's a super fan. Yeah, he was holding a support to the Dodgers as they were up by like 10 runs. He was holding court while the guy next to me was making fun of his very cute iPhone 5. He kept calling it cute. Yeah. Oh, it's such a cute phone.

Oh, that's such an angel brand. You know, producer ran his fuck you. Well, he probably found us because not only is buckly riding around on a generator that he keeps revving up to fuck with people, like he'll gallop it over, like he's riding on a, what are those bouncy balls called? That kids hold onto the hand.

The hippity hop, he's riding on the generator like a hippity hop, revving it up like a motorcycle, like an asshole, and he's wearing an edible hat, Buckley is wearing an edible hat made of pretzels. So that she's wearing today, which is probably how Randy found us. This opening day tradition, this pretzel's on your hat.

See what's funny is, yeah, he's got real? No, no, no, it looks like a Marlins hat. It looks like a Florida Marlins hat or mine. This is a Dodgers homemade. He's glued hat. He's hot glued, small like pretzel minis to it, but he has one that's turned on like a D. Well, no, it looks like a B.

No, it's a B. No, it's a B for Brooklyn. Let me see, turn it, turn it, that looks like a D, John. This is clearly a B for Dodgers. It looks like a Mere man over there. Yeah, it's kind of a D for Dodgers. Oh, looks like a mere dog. This is kind of a day. It looks more like you should, it should be for bee for Brooklyn, like the old hat. Okay. You fuck you anyway.

Glue the, glue the pretzel zone right next to you. Anyway, I noticed the first thing I noticed, of course, is he's wearing this hat and it doesn't look like this is the first year he's worn it. Like I don't know how many seasons old this had, did you just make this for this year? I make a new one every year. You do. Yeah, because the pretzels have that. I went through those pretzels. I'm in love pretzels. So that is a dick tip number one. And dick is selling pretzels from his hat. Edible. Oh, there's really embarrassing video of me probably screaming for three minutes at the Dodger game during a downtime, trying to get, trying to sell, trying to get somebody to lick your pretzel hat for a dollar, trying

to get, find anybody I can who will lick your pretzel hat for a dollar. Anyway, we show up at the Pacific Dining Car. And the whole time Randy is beessing this Uber driver as though he's this guy raff. Raff. And the Uber driver, you know, you know how they're always confused. Like they're just perpetually confused. Like, I don't know. What am I going to do?

The car doesn't work. The car doesn't work. It's like you got to put it in drive, buddy. I'm like, oh, sorry, this is my first day as an Uber driver. You're like, well, do you drive around normally? Like just pretend that you're doing that, but that we're in here. This guy, Randy's telling him that he's RAF.

And meanwhile, this guy's trying to tell us that, like, his Uber app is saying, like, oh, well, RAF wants to go to Burbank. We're like, no, no, no, no, no, we want to go, we want to go to the Pacific Dining Car. Don't worry about it. He goes, we'll just update it in the app. So Randy, ultimate manager, right?

He's like, my app's not working. My phone's running out of batteries. It's not letting me. He's like, my apps not working. My phone's running out of batteries. It's not letting me. Nothing's working, man. Nothing's working. So I said, look, I'll give you, this is fucked. Just cancel the trip. I'll give you $20 to take us down there. And he's like, well, that's against the terms of service.

So I don't feel comfortable with that. All right, so we go, the further we go, the more rafts thing starts being, being like, this is not my destination, this is not my destination. I think eventually the guy, after asking us enough, like, are you sure that you're raft? Questions, he just kind of silently reached up and hit the cancel on raft.

And took my money at the end. But man, we walked in. And the whole time, 80s girl is telling me, oh, she's acting like she got cold feet and then she left the generator in a car. She said, life coach told me not to do this. Like I'm flipping out on the,

because it's not the money, it's the excitement of being Robin Hood. Sean, what are you doing with this generator? I don't know. I have a plan. It's a good plan. It was the excitement of getting this company, this stupid Uber company,

who's just there, they fucking up. They got no customer service, they sucked, they're fucking everybody over. They got a big show off pavilion. That was the thing that pissed me off. The show off pavilion with water, sponsored water boxes. Where was it? I don't know, right by the entrance of the

I just said him in the parking lot. You know what? Okay. So we walked up, and I'm flipping out as 80s girls telling me it's not happening. She's, she got two over one. I walk up to the Pacific dining car, home base, and see that fucking generator behind the valley.

Dan, like, oh, you beautiful. You fucking, you bitch. You totally tricked me. The whole I walk in. She's got, she's got drinks for everybody. You all lined up. She's like, why the fuck do you think I would, are you an idiot? I would never do that.

I was, we were doing, that was a joke. The whole anyway. What were you gonna say? Good God. The saddest part was is when I was writing the generator around like a pony, the Uber people were looking at me and they're upset, but they were too afraid to tell me to stop. And they were watching us the whole time. So when you, yeah, because of what happens on opening day,

reading the adress data. Yeah. So when you lifted the generator up and over the little rope, they saw you. Well, they did. And did nothing. Good. They did nothing. They were terrified at this maniac stealing the generator.

Oh, well, everybody won in the end. Yeah, we're all happy. And that's why DiningCar has a new generator. Nope. Nope. No, it disappeared again. It did. Yes.

But I'll get to that some other time. So that's why the episode was late because of all those shenanigans. And I apologize. I didn't wake up. I got home. Man, and if I would have written that update, it would have been like clubs on a, like I felt I woke up at probably 1030 in that liquor haze that you get when you it's just it's like that pre that pre-hang over hits and you wake up in

a nightmare and you think no, no, please God do not make me just let me sleep until the morning. I'll be sick. I'll throw up as much as you want, but do not make me think my way through this pre-hangover. Do not set, do not stick me in the phase when it starts and it starts hammering the side of your head like sledge hammers on concrete, like hammers on concrete on an anvil all night. Do not make, I woke up like that. If I had, and thinking, having the sinking feeling of being back in college, thinking that,

like I had a term paper to write, but I was too drunk to write it. Oh, God. And like this is just, this is impossible. I can't, I can't possibly do this, but I've made some alterations to the workflow so that it won't happen again. Oh, really?

I've got a new workflow, so episodes will go up on that feed. You go to iTunes, go to iTunes and subscribe to the DIC show. That episode will be up. The second Sean is done editing it for your downloading pleasure. Oh, is that what you did? That's what I did. So I'll show you how, but it's a very simple twist. Now it doesn't have to wait for me to do anything at all,

up instantly. So when I post it, you wrote something that just, that just makes it live immediately. Live immediately. Immediately alive for your, for the downloads, Sean. It's all for the downloads. Everything is for the downloads. The generator, for the downloads, Sean. It's all for the downloads. Everything is for the downloads. The generator is for the downloads.

The system is for the downloads. The studio is for the downloads. The gosses for the downloads. Everything is for the downloads. Bring on the fucking downloads. Okay, this is what I wanna, but this is what I wanna talk about this week. This is what makes me a rage.

If you're a listener, a long time listener of the show, you guys definitely both know that I tricked Asterios into voting for Trump. Do you remember that? Yeah, I tricked, is that the word? Well, I staged a debate between him and I, and the winner of the debate had to vote for the other guys candidate.

And there was no way that Isterios was gonna win that. Let's be honest, you're not gonna go on someone else's show and win a debate, right? Yeah, it was a scheme, I would say. But two votes, I think however, after last week, Isterios might have tricked me into voting for Hillary anyway after this fucking Syria bombing.

It's, if they were both gonna start World War III, I would have preferred to blame it on the woman, Sean. If they're both gonna, I'm joking, but I feel like I gotta say something because I was so, I was so preachy about Trump during the whole election season Yeah, and then he goes and does Something that I remember him saying many times. Yeah, he wasn't gonna fucking do sure

Which is throw burn a bunch of money La have a bunch of exploding money into the Middle East So this is about for basically a money show. You're mad that the missiles cost a bunch of money. Yes. Oh. Because that's all the Middle East is. It's a big fucking money pit.

It's like the Middle East is a boat that I don't know, Eisenhower bought. And for some reason, every president thinks that they're gonna fix this boat up. They're gonna be the ones that get the, oh well, all we need, and all we need is a bush goes in, he's like, all we need is a new shell and a new engine and new upholstery and a new life vest and a new tow rope

and a new trailer, that's all we need. That's all we need and we're going to do it. So he sends trillions of dollars there. Boat doesn't get fucking fixed. Everybody knows a boat is a money pit. Everybody, you know, you have even, yeah, I did even good ones. You have to know everything is expensive for them. Everything's expensive. Gas is expensive. They're inefficient. They, it takes more gas in your truck to pull it. Um, things wear out quicker because water's fucking hard. You slam and waves and shit. And these are good because it's not natural because it's not natural to have a boat. A boat is not a natural thing. So we tell you, it's a money pit. Yeah, a boat is like a big pit. You just keep throwing

money into and you'd have to be okay with that. Where are you going to say? I was just surprised that Sean has a boat. I did used to have a boat. Years ago he unloaded it on what your brother-in-law? Yeah, he unloaded the money pit on his brother-in-law and the second he did, $900 repair, right? Remember that? Oh, I was there. The second you sold your boat to your brother-in-law, he's like, hey, did you ever have a problem?

No, this was great, Sean. Oh, yeah, his brother-in-law goes, hey, did you ever have have a problem? No, this was great. Sean, I, oh, yeah, he goes, his brother-in-law goes, hey, did you ever have a problem with the ignition? Oh, God. And Sean goes, oh, yeah, there's a trick to it. And he goes, okay, his brother, Sean's brother-in-law goes, oh, you might have done it in a long time. Yeah, you might have told me about that trick because I just spent $900.

I don't remember a mechanic trying to figure it out. I didn't remember the amount. Yeah, I didn't remember the amount. It was great. Yeah, it was like a fucking little kill switch thing. You had't remember the amount. Yeah, I didn't remember the amount. It was great. Yeah, it was like a fucking little kill switch thing. You had to reset. If it's like, yeah, little. Why'd you buy a boat?

What do you think was gonna happen? What did I think was gonna happen? Yeah, what the fuck? I thought I was gonna go, I thought I was gonna go wakeboarding. And that's what happened. And we did. Turns out I was right.

It was awesome. You guys had fun, okay? Yeah, yeah. All right, I'm sorry. Because that's what you do when you're young and you have too much money. That was fun. As you buy shit like boats and jesskeys.

That had a good gig. Yeah, it was fine. Listen, you know what's crazy. You'd be surprised how well certain boats, just certain luxury items hold their value compared to cars. Really? Really? Dude, I saw that thing for the market on that.

I only lost. I probably sold it for three quarters of what I paid for it. Do you have thirds of what I paid for it? That was good. Usually, you know, how much does it all not a good investment? How much does a cart, well, it's not an investment. That's because you don't make money on it. I didn't say I'm good investment.

This is exactly like the Middle East. Every politician that gets in there, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, it's not all, it's not a loss. It's not that big of a loss though. Is it Tomahawk missile? How much does one cost? The whole thing cost $80 billion, firing all those missiles in the Middle East. No, it's $80 billion. Is it billion to fire some missiles?

$80 million, excuse me, $80 million. $1.5 million, but that's not the point. The point was, he said he wasn't gonna try to fix the boat. He wasn't gonna dump Trump said, I'm not dumping any more money into this boat. Bush couldn't fix it. Obama tried to parlay the boat to another boat. Obama tried to get us two boats. He goes, hey, hey, Bush fucked up.

Obama came, he said, Bush fucked up the boat that we had. So I'm gonna trade this boat with a guy I know for two boats. And so the odds that one of those boats works is better than one boat working. So now Obama's got two boats, neither of those fucking work. Now we gotta fix two boats. Trump's whole campaign was, I'm no longer fixing boats. No more boats. No more boats.

No more boats, we're gonna fix our house. No more boats. Yeah Yeah, they fucking 70 what is what is he doing? He's I I in that boat like no mr. Trump do not Don't I that boat just let it sit in the yard. It's okay, and he's going I don't know I think I could fix that boat. It's got it chemicals are leaking out of the tank They're fucking up the yard. I gotta do something about that. And we're like, no, Mr. Trump, don't fix the, it's okay, just let the chemicals leach out. There's chemicals all over the place.

There's, that part of the yard doesn't matter. There's whole sections of the yard called Africa, where there's no grass at all. Where 900 kids that die every fucking day because they're not getting water. Ignore the chemical dripping out of the fucking boat. But there were pictures of these kids. But there were fucking pictures of these kids.

There were pictures of the kids. My mom was sawing, she was really upset. They made everyone really upset. Trump got, he got trapped. Yeah. In the sauce. Look, I don't want to be, I don't want to sound like, um,

anti-Trump now, because I'm not. Mm-hmm. I see, I think he's a once in a lifetime, once in a lifetime opportunity still. And I'm still pro Trump, but he's a populist president. And when he fucks up like this, everybody should be as loud as possible. He fucked up saying that when he's talking about abortion

on heart with Matt Chris Matthews, saying women who get abortions, maybe there should be some punishment for them. And everybody said, oh, no, no, no. And then he's okay, never mind, never mind. We elected him because he's a regular guy. Yeah, except he's anything but a regular guy. He's a billionaire, but he fucks up like a regular guy.

Oh, he's definitely stupid like a regular guy. Yes, that's what I voted for. Yeah, like not a pilot. I didn't vote for Trump because he talks about children of God. I could have got that anywhere. I voted for Trump because he says, grab him by the pussy and says,

oh, yeah, I kind of messed that up. Sorry, my bad. Like, which is one of the few things he'll actually cop to. When faced with irrefutable evidence, then it's like, yeah, locker room talk. I didn't want him shooting missiles ever into the Middle East. I didn't want to fix that boat up, and that's what he's doing.

Yeah. And I want him to fucking stop. And a lot of people, yeah, and a lot of people were really pissed at Obama for not because he, you know, that was the red line. The red line, yeah. Yeah. So his chemical weapons, that's it. That's all the gossip, man.

Yeah. All that's gossip. That red line. Yeah. So it was chemical weapons. That's it. That's all boss man. Yeah. All that's got that's Obama making. What a lot of people say now that because of what he used because of the Tomahawks and all that that it was a show and nothing more. It was because it was it. They don't do any fucking damage because they have such a range. It takes so much fuel to fly them. They fucking machines that are like whatever. It's like get it in the end. The runways are fine. This is all boat talk. All I'm hearing is boat talk. And I didn't want, and there's no lake.

The children of God don't fucking matter. That whole speech, God didn't build us a wall. Children aren't putting food on our table. You understand what I'm saying? If God built a wall, he did it for England, built a big old water wall around the whole fucking country. He didn't build us a wall, knock him out of your speech. The kids, the kids, they're not putting food on the table.

Kids aren't working, take him out of your speech. What is the ROI? You put a businessman in charge because every move has to have a return on your investment. That's what I'm saying. What's the ROI here? Show it to me. It sounds like you're saying fuck the children. Sure. Yeah. America first man. Well, we're all saying fuck the children. You know what kids die every fucking day? You think it matters if they are if they're starved to death, hunted by packs of like,

savages in the middle of Africa or India or like dying of dip theory, like it's any different than they got killed by seren gas. Get the fuck outta here, doesn't they're dead? Do we can't stop? Imagine how many planets there are, full of kids dying. That's not our fault, it's not our dying? That's not our fault. It's not a problem.

It's not my problem. And I don't know, it was a surprise to me. It was a surprise to me that it happened at all. Yeah. It really, it really, really pissed me off. And I hope that there's an about face on it, it doesn't do it anymore because I'm so tired of dealing with that boat, man.

I'm so, you know what, you know what the best thing to do with the boat is? You go after the yard, Trump goes after the yard, takes the boat, rolls it across the street. Hey Russia, I got a free boat, free boat. You put that, you parked that boat of the Middle East out in front of the White House, you're right, free boat on it. Not our fucking problem. Russia's gonna come along, gobble that boat up. North Korea, not our fucking problem.

It's like the car inside felt this problem. Yeah, nobody is gonna want it. No, but it's, oh no, they're gonna want it. They can't, they want it. You want it here, what wants it already? They want it already. South Korea, you deal with North fucking Korea. You deal with it.

We got some cool, we made some cool planes that shoot down missiles with laser beams. We'll sell them to you Maybe we'll trade you for all the TVs that you make. We'll give you some of our laser planes Sounds like a good deal to me. Not our fucking problem free boat Yeah, man, we get it. We do get involved with a lot of We've been involved over there for decades now decades with decades I've been involved over there for decades now. Decades. Decades.

Decades. What about oil? Is that a thing? Do we get oil from that place? Take it. Take it. Go to Congress to clear where it's take the fucking oil.

I'm trying to, I don't know what the, what's the upside? The pipelines. We have to have business, natural gas pipelines. So the only reason we're in there, because it's like, well, like you said, there's atrocities going on all over the world. Yeah.

And I don't want to hear that shit. Yeah, Yeah. And I don't want to hear that shit. Yeah, it's, I don't want to hear that shit from a truck driver. Extremely selective in, in what we choose to go in and do something about. All right, I don't want to get too political. Here's what, here's what else too late. Yeah, too late. Here's what also makes me rage. Let me see here. Bad neighbors.

Oh, bad neighbors. Right. Oh, bad neighbors. Right. Oh my God. Bad howl. You remember Maddox's book, Disavowl, right? Yeah. Where he said, I know a lot. Where he made that personal Facebook posting, I disavow my book.

And I'm embarrassed by it. And I actually didn't even read it. And the only chapter I stand by is B's for, like the ultimate like, survival apology to like all of his liberal, his all his like psychotic witch hunt friends. I don't even say liberal because it's insulting to actual liberals, but there's like a pack of new age Puritans

and witch hunters out there. And that's, you know what actually, just for a second, that distinction is important. Oh yeah. Because I do know, I've got a good friend who is certainly to the left and I have never heard him be hypocritical on where it's like it's okay to rip on you because you're conservative or yeah versus you know what I mean it's like no no no no no the the left

you're fucking fascist too if you think that way or if you think it's okay to do that because you disagree with with how the right uh thinks on something it's okay to do that, because you disagree with how the right things on something. It's rude. You're exactly the fucking same. It's rude, because water boys, liberal, you know, and he's like, I don't wanna insult somebody just because like, you have to be defined by something, but that's not what, it's that they have something wrong

with their brains. They're like crazy and just wanna hurt people anyway. So the girl, because it's so threatening to them, that they've got to lash out and snuff out that threat, or they want to, and they think it should be then by any means necessary is okay. You know what it is with Trump going back to the series to think for a minute?

I believe in him. I believed and believe in him, because he has a gift of getting what he wants with talking. With shit posting, everything he's got in his life has been with, like, because he's negotiating things, all that is his talking and leveraging. Yeah. And even that's how he has actually put it where even in his book, he says, I ask for what I want and I push and push and push until I get it.

Sometimes I don't, but most of the time I do. It's not, it's not, it's not heady stuff. No, it's not brainy stuff. He's not Don King. Like he doesn't show up and intimidate you physically into making business deals that you don't. He's not the dog hang or shug night or he's like he's like a guy who just knows how to deal with you and knows how to manipulate you that's why I wanted him doing that shit for us not you like

Yes, I'm sure anybody could shoot fucking missiles anybody could do that. I don't need you I don't need the guy with the best shit posting on the planet to shoot missiles. Try the next guy could shoot missiles. Don't worry, they're gonna be using chemical weapons on kids until the end of fucking time. Well, that's, they've done it before. Until, until Elon Musk builds a rocket

and gets everyone and gets the 1% off of Earth and then Earth is overwhelmed by people who only use chemical weapons to kill each other, we're going to be doing it. That's the future of earth. Total collapse of civilized, anyway, anyway. The girl who leaked the, the Maddox disavowal post, my own personal weeky leaks come. her and her husband came over here last night and they're telling us about their neighbors who every day, Blair music, until like four in the morning, five in the morning.

Like gigantic speakers, this frat house crew of gigantic speakers that do nothing, but Blair music, and this, this couple, this married couple is an upstanding couple. You know what I'm saying? Model, model citizens. And they're going, they're at their ropes in. They're like, what we've called the cops? Number of times.

Is it literally like a frat house next door? It's probably just four or five degenerate dudes. Like early 20 something. Yeah. Or just will not stop making noise. Yeah. And they're like, well, we've called the cops a number of time. We're at the point where we bought a bunch of,

they're getting into their plans to get even with these people. And they're like, well, we bought a bunch of skunk urine. It's like a movie. This is like that fucking, who is that? Zach Efron. No, Seth Rogen. Yeah, that dopey ass. Yeah, they're going through these plans.

You're like, well, we bought a bunch of skunk urine. We're gonna freeze it and laugh and, you know, ruin all their stuff, but it won't freeze every time. We feel so I'm like, this is what you gotta do. You gotta dilute it. And it'll freeze it. No, no, no, we don't wanna dilute it because we want it to be as strong as the tarot.

So I say, look, get dry ice. We go to Burning Man, you get dry ice. You pack it into dry ice cooler. And then it will freeze. It'll freeze liquor. Like it'll freeze. Yeah, yeah., you get dry ice, you pack it into dry ice cooler, and then it will freeze, it'll freeze liquor. Like it'll freeze, you get enough dry ice. But then I'm thinking, we're at the point, we're getting to, and then they say, well, then we don't wanna risk

getting caught doing it. And I'm like, what you need is a throw mamas from the train, throw mamma from the train type of situation, where you find somebody with a bad neighbor, and you do, like I got a bad neighbor and you do like, I got a bad neighbor who got a puppy for Christmas. Yeah. They lock that puppy out on the balcony at 8 a.m. and then they go to work.

It just yaps all fucking day. There's no end to the yapping of this dog and I'm sitting and I'm sitting in my bunker. I have to escape to my bunker to get away from this dog because these people just don't fucking care. So I'm like, look, this is the plan. We'll do a switcheroo, throw mama from the train, switcheroo, where I'll take care of the skunk urine. And you just shoot the dog.

That's what we're, that's what we're reduced to because you are trapped forever with people who for some reason, I don't know if they are wearing human skins and they're just aliens with no senses. So they don't understand. It's like they've cobbled together how to act in society from stuff they saw on television. They're like, well, they're aliens, space aliens looking at the earth. And they're like, well, they're alien, space aliens looking at the earth, and they're like, well, people go to clubs, so they must like loud, hammering, music all day.

What, what? I'm just picturing somebody walking up to a sleeping puppy with a trumpet and blowing it in, it's here till it has a heart attack. Like you did with Anne Ramsey. And she wakes up and throw them off from the train. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that movie is like, holy shit,

what a dream I was having. I had a dream. Louis Armstrong was trying to kill me. Cause he tries to give her a heart attack with a trumpet. Did you say that dog was on a balcony? Yeah. A little balcony. Why don't you throw like chocolate bars?

Why don't I murder the dog? Yeah. Well, that's why the throw mama from the train is so up. Because then there's no way to pin it back to you, you know? Cause that, all crimes are committed by like friends and neighbors and some of you know, if you switch it, I'm like, hey, I was at the, I got footage of me at the Dodger game stealing a generator at the time that crime was committed. So I couldn't possibly done it.

And give me for this, give me for this, but that's up to you. I didn't kill no dog. That's what, that's what, that's what we've been reduced to is elaborate switcherooes where we're killing each other's dogs and throwing skunk urine all over our neighbors because they do know there's gotta be some there's gotta be some kind of a class for this. Like they teach they teach math in school worthless Like they teach, they teach math in school, worthless, they teach spelling, don't need it, the phones do it. They teach algebra, although most people who take it can't understand it.

So it just teaches them to hate math. So what's the point? Yeah. How about classes like this is not a, if the whole point of school is to make a well functioning society, This is this is not a if the whole point of school is to make a Well-functioning society How about this is what you do not do at Your home do not know playing no just no playing loud music at all keep keep control of your fucking dog

Don't park another in front of other people's driveways The little stuff. It's the little stuff, Sean. That's what I'm saying anyway. Yeah, yeah. Make me a raise this week. Buckley, what's going on with you? Oh, I was just thinking, I had a neighbor one time who had a work vehicle

and he would park it in front of my house and it was huge because it was a school bus and it made me crazy. Did he work at the school? I guess so, he had yellow school bus. I don't know why he brought home every day and parked it in front of my fucking house. I was just getting workin' out in the last.

I was just getting workin' out in the last. Yeah, they do. So if I yard for those, then you take it out. You don't get to take it home. Oh, man. They don't let you do that. Nobody told this guy. So I had this idea where if I shot the window with a gun,

then the kids would be really fucking scared, and nobody wants to get... Do you see what we're... Nobody wants their kids to get on a bus with bulldozers in it. No, do you see what we're reduced to? Well, and I did it. You did it. Yeah, I shot the window and it was a 22, and it worked.

In front of your neighbor's house? In front of my house. He's parked in front of my house. Did you shoot the front windshield? No, just one of the sides. Oh, just one of the sides? Yeah, but maybe that could get missed. Where a child would be. Where a child would windshield. No, just one of the sides. Oh, just one of the sides. Yeah, but maybe I could get missed. Where a child would be.

Where a child would be. Yeah, but that could get missed. I don't know, school bus went away. So I felt successful, but it made me crazy. Yeah, yeah. My parents' neighbor has a dog that barked all the fucking time. Kill it. And for some reason,

I think I remember that dog. They wouldn't, for some reason, they wouldn't, like he would, my dad would go up there and talk to these people all the fucking time. And he just wouldn't, they wouldn't put one of those zap collars on it. They wouldn't, so he rigged up this system where, if he turned the water hose on,

he stretched a hose across his entire backyard. So whenever he turned the water on, it would spray right where the dog was. And the dog would take off for a bit. But it's like you're building, you're building a water system, you're building an irrigation system because you live next to complete assholes. Yeah. Yeah. Are there laws about dogs? Like can you kidnap someone's dog?

Yeah, but it's all, but let's then what? Like a guy shows up and says, Hey, your neighbor, it's your neighbor's fault that you don't have your dog anymore. This is, there's no system. There's no system. And there couldn't possibly be a system to seamlessly work this out. It's very fucking angry. So fuck the children and fuck dogs. Fuck dogs and fuck dogs.

Fuck dogs and fuck neighbors. What makes you rage, Buckley? You guys, you guys gonna have kids? Sean, do you have any kids? Nope, I don't have any kids. You'll click you got good spirit. You're probably gonna have some kids. I want, you know, for the longest time, I thought I didn't want kids.

I would have kids under the right circumstances. When did that change? When my brother had twins. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I felt the opposite after my sister had kids. Really? Yeah, forever.

I was like, oh, yeah, that's something I'm open to. But as soon as I spent a couple weekends with these monsters, I was like, oh man, it would take, it's gonna take like a Gettysburg address level speech to convince me to have kids. Well, they're pieces of shit. Like they, they, it goes back to the Dodger Life.

Yeah, why? What do you have? Fuckly. I have two kids. Yeah, I just kept cranking sperm and women until some babies came out. I don't know why I was surprised. But yeah, I mean, you get to know them and you love them,

but they're pieces of shit in their real life. Why? They, they, all your time, all your time, you're, you're cleaning up shit, you're bathing children, they're crying, they don't give anything back. You give them everything, they just scream in your face, you can't go anywhere, you can't go to dinner, you can't meet, you can't do anything. Yeah. It's terrible, But you can't meet women. Was that on there? Yeah. Yeah.

Were you meeting a lot of women before the kids? Yeah. That's how I made the kids. He's got good games. He's got edible hats. Like this is mystery and all those other makeup artists. He just wears this like it's not a thing. Like it's not even there.

Like it's like, yeah, this is totally normal. This is exactly what every minute. I mean a lot of women in this hat. That's why I know two kids. Yeah, you know, I don't know. Not really a condom guy and I got lucky for a long time. I'm not really a condom guy. But it happened.

Yeah, knocks some women up. Anyway, but the thing that I've been thinking about the most is men in the delivery room. It's so fucking stupid. I don't know why I'm there. What, how am I helping? I'm not a doctor. What am I telling you?

Push, push, push. Like you know, you know, like all I can do is scream in your face about things you already know. Yeah, can you, yeah. Where are you there for a while? George Washington was the first president of the United States. Like you already know this. I'm gonna tell you, I went to the first one

and I thought the baby was just gonna come out of her pussy and like, get out. I didn't think it was gonna take a long time. I didn't come prepared, I just went. Yeah, well, if you prepared, like a game boy, like a DS, you're gonna place him Zelda while you're in there. I brought a DS to the hospital, but I had to go and hope it's, all right, so let me back up.

I went, I thought the baby was gonna come out quickly. It did not. Hours went by. Like taking a shit. Yes. Yeah, okay. Shoot that baby out and then name it. You take a shit and you name that shit

and that's how babies come. So I was at Cedar Sinai Hospital. There's a CVS across the street. So I walked across the street, I got a bottle of bourbon, started drinking. And I kept thinking, I won't get that drunk. That's what happened to me. Because only an hour or two are gonna go by,

so how drunk can I get? Drunk enough to go get another bottle. So you said you established the frequency at that point. Yeah, that's what happened. I think so myself. Yeah, but the idea that a baby will do it. You said the pace, you can't deviate from that pace. The baby never came, I mean, eight, nine hours went by.

All the whole night went by and then the sun came up. So I'm wasted and I wreak like bourbon. And your wife is. Yeah, the doctors are super annoyed with me, my wife hated me. Yeah. And again, it's just a stupid, useless idea. I mean, back in the 50s, they had it right,

where you go to a bar and you fucking wait. And then when your baby comes out, you can party with your friends. And that's how. And that's how. And that's how you talk about life. Yeah, and people are like, talk about your feelings.

That's the only time that's like confessional. Talking about all your feet and talking about your dad. I don't know anything about it, but I saw this on TV. I imagine. I wonder if you anything about it, but I saw this on TV. I imagine. I wonder if you interview wives or girlfriends or whatever right after they have a kid. And they, what do you think the consensus is on,

or if there is one on how much like the guy being in the delivery room helped? Well, or if they want to do they, I'll tell you guys. They like, you, I don't ever want to see you again. If we ever have another kid, do not even come near the delivery room. How much of that is there? I fucked up again, and I got my wife pregnant a second time.

Yeah. And the first thing she told me, she said, I don't want you in the delivery room. I don't want you anywhere near it. Yeah. And I thought, well, your track record is not great. Sure. But I mean, you're're gonna want me there. What woman doesn't want the man who impregnated her was sperm

to be there when the baby's coming out of her pussy. You want that guy there, right? Right, yeah. She was serious. The night that she went into labor, she said, come on, you need to drop me off at the hospital. You need to drop me off! Don't even, Don't even park!

I don't want to risk that you're gonna come in here! Just slow down! I still thought, I'm like, okay, come on! I drove her to the hospital and I parked and they have Vellay. It's, you know, cedar, so I just do. Vellay, this. When inside, she's like, okay, you can go. I'm like, you don't, you really don't want me in here?

She's like, no, I don't. And my doula is gonna be here in 10 minutes. So just you can go now. You're what? Dua? She had a doula to replace. Like, is that like a replacement husband? Yeah.

So that, a jiggle though. A doula, is that the delivery room? Yeah. Is that like a midwife? It's like a midwife. It's like a new age. With no credential. Isn't it right? Isn't it kind of like a new age. Is that like a midwife? It's like a midwife with no credential. Isn't it right? Isn't it kind of like a new age?

Is it like a bruha? But a dude instead of a bruha. Yeah. It's a woman and like they help you have a baby, but there's no license for it. You just say you're a doula. So it's like old times. Sure.

Caveman times. All right, before medicine actually started saving people's lives instead of just killing them and experimenting on them. Or like that. Yeah. Okay. Did you know the doula? No.

But she kept the whole pregnancy, everything about it, secret for you. Yeah. You never met the doula. I didn't know how much she cost, but I met her and she was very womanly like in a way where she didn't like me, like right away. And she's like, you need to leave. You're like a canned situation like on the doula. It's not existing.

What do you think it's gonna be? That's why she's anyway. It's truth right there, man. It's why she's so angry. Yeah. Anyway, anyway. So I didn't leave, because I still thought, because fuck you bitch, that's why. I just, wait, what?

I'm talking about the doula. Oh, yeah. The doula tells me to leave? Who the fuck are you? I just thought it was gonna be one of those things worth for the rest of my life. I would have to hear about how I was like a terrible person because I didn't go to the birth of my daughter.

So then finally, the two of them really insisted that I get out and then the nurse got involved too. It's like you need to leave, sir. It's like, this is my fucking baby. But I left. And that's America, man. You have no reproductive rights as a man. Red pill.

I finally left. Yeah. And I went home and I didn't know how to feel, but you know, I turned on my Xbox. I started playing Dragon Age Inquisition. You know, I had a fucking great time. I played video games all night. I still got drunk.

And in the morning, I had a beautiful baby daughter and I didn't have to do shit for it. Did they, and you can catch up on the events, you can have a conversation. I just got texts in the morning, I was like, your baby's alive, here's a picture. Great, awesome. Cool. Thank you for that. You're at home playing video games and making edible hats.

Yeah. Maybe she's allowed to come back then or did the baby have to come to you? The tool I was right. I didn't go back to the end or did the baby have to come to you? The tool that was right. I didn't go back to the hospital for 24 hours. Okay. So I just sat at home alone and then, you know, with my other son making traps. Yeah.

Definitely conversations with my son. He's one. No, no, no, with a with still at the hospital, checking in every now and again. Oh, no, because she, she didn't have her phone. So like, I never talked to her directly. I can only text with a doula who. Oh, no, cause she, she didn't have her phone or so. Like, I never talked to her directly. I can only text with a doula who,

Oh God, it does not like me. Running interference. So anyway, what I'm saying, Sean, is when you finally, get that girl pregnant. It's a one by the goalie. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Don't go.

Okay. Just be, get up, get in front of it and be like, I wanna pay for a doula. I don't need to be in the hospital room. All right, so you're good. You're good with a doula. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a woman. Why am I here? Okay, that's what makes you a voice of experience. It's good dick tip. Buckley. Thank you. Well, I'm still getting shit for it from all her friends and her mom like I didn't go to the the birth of my daughter. So I'm a terrible person. Yeah It's upsetting. That's the gift that keeps on giving.

Yeah. Something that they can make fun of you for forever. Forever. That's the best gift that you can give. You miss one, you miss one birthday right at the beginning. Don't miss anymore. Like, miss mother's day once, don't miss it again. That's the best gift you can give.

But you can only give it once. You give it a second time, then it looks like you actually don't care. But you give it one time, it's just, it's just a fuck up. The gift of a fuck up, that hand that somebody has over you at all times, that sword that they can hang over you and then stab down into your dick whenever they feel like they're losing control in the situation. That's the best gift dick you never give to you. All right. Sean, you remember that that laugh Tammy's laugh track from last week? Yeah.

Somebody made, let me find this guy's name. Somebody made some of us. God. Let's see here. Christian, Christian, Partennial made one for you. Oh, no. Now, I actually, I have some, I've got a talent show story. Christian, Christian, Partennial made one for you. Oh no.

I actually, I have some, I've got a talent show story. It's funny. We were, I was playing in a band. We were just much better than any other kid at the school. It's funny. Nobody else was doing that. They were, you know, fucking twirling the tons on the plane. Who knows what the, you know, magic or any of that shit.

It's funny. No, okay. Who did this? These kids are gonna play Christian, real force song. Oh, you, Christian. So we did it. And they decided we changed it right there. There's no more first, second, third place.

We did the thing, and it went over big because you don't usually see kids play anything halfway confident. And I say nobody wins, don't show us, because you're not allowed to. Oh, that's so annoying. That's fucking weird. Oh, that's so annoying to hear yourself laugh at yourself. People were divided on that Tammy thing.

A lot of people hated it, but a lot of people can't, they just devoured every track of our album. Let's see, his body Maxwell Urfet did one of me. I don't wanna hear it, but I'll play it for you. When I was a kid, oh my God, I would agonize about the pranks I was gonna pull. Why are you getting, why are you, why are you, why are you,

the greatest prank I ever pulled, the funniest one to me, we used to have on our sinks at our home where I grew up, we had these little nozzles where it was like a blast, the lever on the back and they spray. Like for cleaning dishes, it was a little other stuff right now, so you pulled out and pressed it in your spray. So I took a rubber band and looped it around and I put it back in the sink like thinking anything of it.

So, like three hours later. So, three hours later. So, three hours later. The best kind of prank, see where the ones that just don't pay off right away. So, like three, maybe four hours later, brother and I are watching TV in my family room. We're both kids. And I just hear my dad go, what the? Ah!

Ah! Ah! That's enough of that. Okay, enough silliness. That is silly. Let me see what else I got here. I got some songs. What else I got here? I got some songs.

My room, my room took a remix of Mad Cux. My room music. We play that for you. It's pretty cool. He made like some kind of instrument of this. Like a digit, like a sampled instrument. So people can make songs like this. This is all mad cucks.

From when he was on bonus episode, the last bonus episode, Dick on 108, this is all from that. Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, Puri, I I'm pretty fucking cool, right? Goddamn, pretty cool. Okay. Excuse me, I got a couple more things. Oh my God. The greatest, the greatest new development. I'm pretty fucking cool, right? Oh, man.

Oh, man. I'm pretty cool. Okay. Excuse me, I got a couple more things. Oh, my God. The greatest, the greatest new development, the greatest new prank came out this week. Sean, I know you don't know anything about this. Buckley, I don't know how caught up on the glass you are.

I don't think it's presumptuous of you to assume that I don't know anything about this. I know you're not floating around on Reddit. I know you're not floating around on Twitter. I know you're not floating around on Twitter. This thing, yeah, that's true. This is one of the funniest thing, this is perhaps the funniest thing that's ever come out of this show. And I'm gonna try to explain why.

Because I don't think, I think I might be the only person who can possibly understand how funny this is. I'll walk you through the timeline. What chance do the rest of us have? You have none. You have none, unless you cling to me. You've got to get to the, if you want to live, if you want to laugh, you've got to cling to me

like a life raft, Sean, like the door at the end of the Titanic. Like come with me if you want to live terminator level of following me very closely of what I'm about to tell you. Because it's possibly the funniest thing that's ever happened. No, I'm intrigued. Maddox released his book title, his book, the date and the title were released.

He announced it. This is when it's coming out. And I think it's sometime in September, but he announced it last week. And to rewind time a little bit, back during the biggest problem in the universe, I was forbidden from posting links to Reddit on the show description. If I were ever to write it, even if I would talk about it on the air, it was frowned upon. Why? Because the real reason is because Maddox didn't have control over the comments on Reddit because there's a history.

You can see what people delete, you can see what it was. Like there's a lot of eyeballs on it. Facebook, it's Facebook's memory hole. You deleted it on Facebook. It's never happened. Never happened. No, but you know, screenshot. Which everybody does now, right?

Because of that. Because of that. But on Reddit, he couldn't do it. And the reason he gave me was that Reddit was leaking my personal information, which is laughable, if you look at the whole rapeless thing and how he's been constantly doxing me and outing personal details since the breakup.

But also, reason number two, that we weren't allowed to talk about Reddit on the old show is because they, somebody on Reddit found Maddox's early book title and book cover and posted it. Some Snoop, some top artist was snooping around the Simon and Schuster website and they found his book, they found the title. Yeah, I remember that. I remember hearing it out. While it was like months ago.

And the title was the best book in the universe. And the way it happened was, Maddox hadn't written a book in a long time. I'm better than your kids, renamed to crappy children's artwork because it sold terribly. Didn't had been many years before, didn't do well. Deadbroke, he got convinced by the book company, the book publisher,

to write another book, and to repackage the website articles into a book and sell it. You know, cash in. And I said, it's a great idea. Do it. Do it. Cash in for money because you need it. And while that promotion machine is working,

write a new, all-original book. Like you should be writing a book every year. That's how you are successful. You take the website, and you write one book of Rant's every year. That's it. That's all you have to do, millionaire. You'll be a millionaire in five years,

six years if you just do that. Write books. That's it. Don't do YouTube shit. You're not a presenter. What Maddox did was a company like Ralph's, like a supermarked company, suddenly deciding to make cars. You guys don't know anything about making cars.

Just stick to selling groceries. That's what you do. Stick to writing. Don't make YouTube videos. You don't know, you're not good at it. You got the charisma of a dead fish. A bald dead fish. Don't do that.

Right? Stick to the right. So anyway, I say do that. He goes, ah, I can't do that. It's against my principles. It's got to be 50% new material. Publisher agreed to it. I said, all right, you know, that's fine.

But the point was, best book in the universe. That's what it's called. He had many other ideas. One idea was a book just called, fuck it. Like a demotivational book. And I said, that's funny. Do that too. Yeah. Then you could do, like, then you could hold like fake Tony Robbins seminars with a mic and just say, like, give up. Like, what's your goal? Give it up. Like, go around.

It's funny, right? It's fun. Someone just steal it. Someone else should do it. Because it's funny idea. But didn't happen. Because he said, well, I can't put fuck in the title, fuck it, because then it won't, like, it's not gonna get on the radio. You know, shit, like, people aren't gonna talk about a book that's just fuck it. Oh, this is what he said. I don't think that's true, because go the fuck to sleep was a huge best seller, and that's fuck right in the title.

People don't care, and people don't care. The people who do care don't have the internet. You know what I mean? People care about who do care don't have the internet. You know what I mean? People care about saying fuck don't have the internet. They don't, they're not in the media equation anymore. They're on flip phones texting each other all day. They're my parents and they're not going to buy your book anyways. Yeah, they don't care. So he said, no, no, no, no, that's too risky. And I've only got one shot. That's something that you do if you're doing a book a year. You can experiment like David Sidaris or any of these guys.

What they can do with Star Wars now that they're on a release schedule. And it's not being held up by one, one, uh, author. Anyway, he says the book's going to be the best book in the universe. It's going to be 50% new content, 50% from the website classics classics. Right. We're going to release it and make some dough because they need some fucking money. And I said, it's a correct, it's not the best idea,

but it's equally good. I think that has an equal chance of being a success, provided that you're able to do the writing. This was, and I think this was announced like, episode 20 of biggest problem around there. Like way, way back was the announcement of, hey, let's get easily, easily two years ago. Yeah.

Let's get it going, get the hype machine going. Anyway, that 50% didn't get written. The 50% slowly migrated towards 100%. So then it was, it's gotta be 100% new material that he's riding. Oh my God, this is sunk. But this is what you've been doing for 10 years. And yet, like you can't do the same plan

because you haven't done it. That's not gonna fucking work. This is, this is, you're still dropping rocks into a hole expecting one to suddenly turn into a piece of gold. Like it's not gonna fucking work. You gotta change up, you gotta change up the system because your system doesn't work, doesn't matter, right? What do I care?

What the fuck do I care? Yeah. Doesn't wanna make money, I don't care. Do whatever you want, right? Well, I think you do care a little bit. I know you, I know you don't like to see. I still care. Yeah, I know, I know.

And after everything, you don't like to see. I still care. Yeah, I know. I know. And after everything, you don't like to see somebody who could do something so obvious to you kind of not cash away. Just waste it. Just waste it. But I think you're right. Why should you care? It's not your life. Yeah.

They make their own decision. They succeed or fail based on what you may think it's a, you may be very well correct that it's the stupidest decision somebody could make. But at the end of the day, he's got to live with it. So that was the plan. And that's what's been cooking, that's what's been cooking in the crock pod for two years, the best book in the universe, right? And this is, and this is from episode, this is from episode 52. This is a transcript from biggest from episode 52. This is a transcript from Biggest Problem, episode 52.

Maddocks, yeah, the content is a mystery, but I'll give you this, it's all new material, and it's a book that I wanted to write back when I got my first book deal. So I wrote the alphabet of mailing list, but this was the actual book I wanted to write. And I knew I couldn't write this book until I got a little more cred under my belt. Makes sense that it would be called the best book in the universe

then, right? Like a return to basics. Well, funny thing happened on the way to the, way to the print house. A dickhead went and registered the best book in the universe.com. Yeah. Oh, that's the best. Oh, because Sean, any book could be the best book in the universe. It's just one man's opinion. Yeah. You know, right. It's not like, it's not like that title is trademarked or anything like that. It's just his opinion that, and he wants to tell people that it's the best, this is what

he thinks is the best book in the universe. Dot com. So I think, you know, who knows why people buy domain names? The point is he just wanted people to know if they happened to wonder what the best book in the universe was and they went to that on their URL, it would go to what he thought was the best book in the universe. Just so happens to be a man or a better than women. Oh, no, oh boy.

And that's, yeah. So, so Maddox releases his, his book date and launch and announces it. And it's, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, don't go, don't go spoil it with the title of my new book. Oh, I'm moving. How do you get in here? Wait, did you activate him? I, I, I activated himself. The master mysterious, the digital cyber team,

and he told me how to hack this discord business. He just busted right in here. Yeah, he does that. He's like the noid. Matt just like the noise. So the well, okay, Matt, let me just say to keep the story together. Maddox has announced his actual next book that he, and this is real life, not a joke, is called fuck whales.

Fuck whales. Fuck whales. Fuck whales. Hold on. Fuck whales. Why is it not working? Fuck whales. There we go. It's giving me pickups so I can edit it. So, Mad Cugs, your new book and this is not a joke, it's called Fuck Whales, is that right? Yeah, that's the new book coming from George, it's called Fuck Whales. Am I pronouncing it correctly? Technically it's called Astrix Whales. Yeah, I can't put the actual F word up, but that would diminish sales.

Because that would be edgy. Putting the actual word fuck on the book would be in some tiny way, at least edgy. But he's chosen the asterisk. Oh my, fucking guy. Well, what do we hope to see in a book titled After Assumption's Reference? Well, so this book has been in the works. You got a lot of this stuff wrong, by the way, too.

It's been in the works for many years. Basically, when I started writing the alphabet of mailing, I started sending in chapters to my publisher. And, um, you know, they eventually I sent in a bunch of chapters that said, Hey, we want to turn this into an alphabet book. Here's the manuscript. Why don't you figure that out? And then I kept sending in more chapters and like, look,

Mad Cux, we're not, we're not doing a book with you right now. I don't know why you're sending you more chapters and like look madcooks we're not we're not doing a book with you right now I don't know why you're sending me these chapters that said you know just just keep this in your back pocket maybe something will come out of it and and then and then we read did I have better than your kids well a couple weeks ago I finally got an email back they said you've been sending us all these articles for so long so we we just took the best ones and we we're turning that into a book so right here for me flipping through

so i never never read anything yeah so you're saying that all of the rejected all of this is all like uh... this is all the rejected content that wasn't good enough for your first book that's why it might feel dated in some way well it's not that it was rejected just it wasn't good enough to make the cut it's not a contest it's not a competition it's one other to become

in the book these are just these are for a different book right these these these are not even alphabetical ordered by the way of course that yeah are there any kind of order at all they're they're they're this is the order to publish me and I got a lot of notes to send back to them right So we've got stuff like horses We'll bring in horses also a lot of these chapters seem to be it looks like they might have just taken transcripts From some of my shows and put them in this book some but oh we got horses and families. There's a chapter about alien Gonzalez

some but i would have horses and families there's a chapter about alien gondolus there's a chapter in there about the star wars the masters now those are horses yet what's your heart take on alien gondolus that everybody wants to hear in your new book alien gondolus is the only um... illegal immigrant that deliver ever hated she sang area and gondolus alien someone saying area gondolus are you saying who came to Cuba with this?

Yeah, we know. We know who he is. Do you know who he is? Do you think he's an alien or a white supremacist? Aryan Gonzales? Yeah, it's the YouTubers that really take a bite out of YouTubers and stuff. The amazing world of 64 big graphics, and about how the Nintendo 64 is the apex of modern gaming.

You're not, you don't, you like the cartridges. You don't think they should have moved to CDs with the Nintendo 64? Well, yeah, obviously, because they're going back to cartridges now with the Nintendo Switch. They kind of, they must have figured that out themselves. OK, what else? I mean, just a bunch of stuff like that like when you go to the movie theater There's a chapter here about going to the movie theater and there's popcorn on the floor and not just that is

In that chapter there's also some pointers about how to get a hand job when you're in the theater Yeah, a pro tip cut a hole in the bottom of the bucket guy when you're in the theater, a pro tip, cut a hole in the bottom of the bucket guy. Oh boy, it's still that. You got the butter acts as a lube. I talked about airplane food, now terrible that is. You have a terrible is it? You have a bunch of 100% new content. Right.

I really shit all over desert storm and the first GW Bush. There's, that's not. You got any more 90s references? Fogs? There is a chapter about Pogs, and it's about, it's techniques to get the most amount of Pogs that you're slamer. I don't want to give that away.

If I talk about it too much, people are going to know what the content of the book is. No, I understand. I understand. I can't wait for 99 guys. We look at Ford Octopus. Wow. Oh my God, can you believe Ford, I'll be in October. Oh wow. Oh my God, can you believe that?

Can you believe that one fucking guy registering a domain name? When was it done? When was it registered? I don't know. But it was registered by the same guy who also registered dick.show. Like he's like the domain dickhead.

That's his specialty. That's his special mutant power. He's one of the useless X-Men. Yeah, I don't know. That's a pretty useful mutant power. The ability to register domain names right before other people get them. That would be a, that's a pretty fucking good mutant power

in my book. Better than Cyclops. I'd rather be able to register good domain names that shoot laser beams out of my eyes. Hey, Madcucks, I got in addition to the domain, I got more bad news for you, though, buddy. It looks like you're losing the bonus episode voting of what is...

Yeah, I saw that, and I just wanna call Shania and it gets on this right now. The voting is for this episode something i messed up because previously you could vote up all the problems but this is the issues but this time or you can only vote on one issue the time that's ridiculous you can is that true you you're only a lot to vote on one issue the time so i vote for racism you can vote also for Dick

Masterson invites first up because well I mean they're the same problem though in your mind probably so that's well what's a super set so yeah let's see what else what what what's going on with your book with my book okay so well also about one away I just two more to two things okay I don't feel like I got to make enough points about racism that I thought two more to two things. I don't feel like I got to make enough points about racism that I thought. So I'm gonna be releasing a video this week that really digs deep into the racism issue

and it helps kind of solidify that. And then also there have been some fans complaining because the biggest dot, the dick, wait, yeah. Biggest dot, thedickshow.com. Right. It doesn't have 108 on the site. Yeah. I feel like that's an important thing that's missing from that mirror site.

Yeah. So the problem is, the problem with that is I think it's very funny. But I think if I start entangling the show's jokes with my site archive that I put up, I think that will make my trademark claim weaker. So like I think that'll make it look like I'm trying to use the content so Maddox might as well start doing it too, but I don't know. Well that's a really logical point that you just made

and I don't think I can really argue with that. Because the thing is, I want it to be an archive. Like that's, you know, people go back and they listen to the old show over and over and over. That was part of the great thing about the old show. It was, it was designed to relisten to again and again. Cause it was like, it was timeless evergreen content. This show's not designed that way.

Like it's me talking about stuff that's topical. It's more topical than, it's half topical and half not. Like there's always talking about stuff that's topical. It's topical. It's more topical than not. It's half topical and half, half not. Like there's always going to be shitty neighbors, you know, true. But you know what? This shows all fucking evergreen. There's always going to be presidents lobbing missiles into the Middle East for no reason. And there's always going to be bad neighbors. So I take that back. But some episodes, this show has more of a story arc. So it's not really built to,

it's not timeless like the old show is. But my point is, I don't wanna, I don't want to interfere with the archive that some listeners of the old show and some fans appreciate with new content. Like I don't wanna force my content on them. You know what I mean? Like I get the joke, but I don't want to force my content on them. You know what I mean? Like I get the joke, but I don't,

because you go, like you go to the feed for the best debate, the iTunes feed, and you go read the reviews, and they're all for the old show. Like it's got 100 reviews, and they're all like best problem in the universe. It's such a great show, love this show, but like the reviews don't match the feed. Yeah. And it's like, universe, it's such a great show, love the show. But like the reviews don't match the feed.

Yep. And it's like, ah, it just, it feels shitty to do that. But I don't know, it feels like a bait and switch. But I understand why it's funny. That's why I haven't done it for a minute. Well, that's fair. I can agree with that.

On you were asking about my personal book, the Mad Cooks book. Yeah. I'm making a big announcement today. This is the first time I'm changing the name with the alphabet of socially conscious like mine and forward thinking optimist to the best book in the universe because I don't give a shit about websites. So it's going to be called, it's not being called the best book in the universe and if someone,

you know, when the book's ready, if someone wants to hand over that domain that's fine if not I don't really give a shit but uh basically what I'm trying to say here is fuck you George fuck your big time. Wait a minute you're calling your book the best book in the universe? Absolutely. For now of course it wouldn't be to confuse people but just simply because you think it's the best book in the universe. It is the best book in the universe and also it's you know a little thing called Spike which has been very profitable. Oh my god. So let me get this straight. You're going to publish a book called the best book in the universe and you will own the copyright on that because Because it's been abandoned. There's no other book called the Best Book in the Universe.

Right? Isn't that- There's nothing in another book called the Best Book in the Universe. And there's no trademark on in the universe or the best of something. Otherwise, the best pizza in the world wouldn't be on every single store front,

every single pizza joint in New York. Every pizza joint in the world. World be on every single store front every single pizza join in New York every every pizza join in the world world's best pizza best New York style best Chicago style you're not the best you're just another one of them. Okay, I will do I will do any I want the publishing rights to your book. I would like to publish the book so that you don't get intimidated or sued or bullied out of doing it, I will do anything to acquire these publishing rights and and and to make sure that the book gets published in a timely manner. What the hell is going on?

We can negotiate off the air, but I will do anything to make sure the best book in the universe by Mad Cux. Gets out before October? Well, you know, when just in a timely manner, in a timely manner. Yeah, so I've been, I've kind of fallen behind just due to my non-Mad Cux stuff. So yeah, basically I'm hoping to get back at it here

next week and start really writing a bunch more. I think you've said enough. Hey, by the way, what makes you a rage? Before you go, what makes you a rage? What makes me a rage? Amy Schumer, stand up special. Okay. No one gave it a chance.

They all voted at one stars and Netflix in there. They're infinite wisdom. They changed the whole rating system just for her. And now as you go look at it, you get a 98% match. Most people have a percentage match with that special in the 90s, because it appeals to everybody. And the reason why it appeals to everybody is because they're all jokes that you've heard from other comedians that you know you already like. See might as well go listen to it, guys. Yeah.

Well, maybe I'll give it a chance now. Yeah, you definitely should. You should definitely go check out the Netflix app and see what percentage match you have with it. All right, thank you, Madcugs. Thanks for calling. Go ahead, what else? What else?

One more question for you. Okay. People have been asking where the dictation we did is. Oh yeah, you wanna do that? I'll release it next week. Madcugs and I watched Commando together. Sounds good, yeah. I really think so. Madcugs and I watched Command O together. Sounds good, yeah. I really think so.

Madcux first existence number two is coming out on April 10th, that's tomorrow for the livestream, that's yesterday for the people that are not listening to the livestream. Yeah, it's gonna be out, same place. So it's out, right now. It will be out right now when people listen to this show, yeah. Okay, awesome.

I can't wait the Mad Cux versus existence. Number one was, I think the funniest thing I've heard you do. Yeah, number, we did a live stream for number two. So live stream for number three will be being announced to Patreonis sometime in the next couple of weeks and we'll record number three. Since somebody hasn't gotten around or leasing his own bonus episode number two, idiot.

All right, I can't wait. Thank you, Mad Cux. Get out of here. Thank you. It's on turn yourself off or whatever you did to force yourself in here. Yeah, man. Can you believe that?

Abandon his book title, because somebody registered the domain and now madcucks is replacing it. Well, it's you can't let a great title like that. Pretty clear. Pretty clear. He's just like underscores or something. For what? The same domain. Or just like the of me at the best book in the book. Yeah, who cares, right? Only some kind of obsessive weirdo would possibly care about this, right? Okay, I got one more one more guy in the line. Let me see if he's here. All right, next guy I got on the line here. Ginger

Ale. What do you want me to call you? Is that fine? This fine. Ginger ale. It's it's a red ale. It's the ale that bites you. It's the ale with a with a bite. Ginger ale. Let's go. Oh, no. Anyway. Okay. Ginger ale said on Reddit, worst admin ever. Green penis. Hey, it's ale. What do you want?

What is suck my cut? Goodness and green. Yeah. Gay pride. Ale. That's the ad. That's the ad of a century right there. That's what they're all moving to, man. Gay pride. I'm telling you, like all advertising

is gonna turn into virtue signaling. Mark, make my fucking words. Every single ad will try as hard as possible to be like that Kendall Jenner ad with Pepsi. That wasn't a mistake. That was a test. That was the system testing what it could get away with. The next one will be subtly like that, not as obvious because they got bit on that one. They pulled it back, but that's not that's not ending. Yeah, you got to know where the line is because I haven't looked into this at all.

And you do, you have to jump over the line to make sure you kind of, right. It's tough to go like, oh, well, could we have gone further? Could we have gone further? I don't know. You got to make sure you go far enough. That Pepsi ad is a system designed to brainwash people testing a new, testing a new tech.

And they're going to figure it out because I think I haven't done any math on this, but I got a hunch that that demo, the ultra progressive demo is the one that buys like that can be persuaded. Like, you know, cigarette ads, they couldn't get you to do anything. They couldn't get you to switch,

they couldn't get you to stop. All they could get was new smokers. And I think that the only demo they're gonna start hitting is new everything. So all Pepsi ads, all car ads, it's all gonna be targeting the young ultra-progress, that's gonna be the only demo that they can manipulate. So all advertising will shift to that. And because manipulate. So all advertising will shift to that.

And because of that, all content will shift to that. All content that's powered by advertising. You see what I'm saying? This is the big picture, because the ads power the content. Yes. And the content must cater to the advertising on some level.

It can no longer be unbiased. So the next time they roll out a commercial, it's gonna be subversively more like that, and then they're gonna start turning the screw on the content creators, saying, oh, you can't portray men, like you can't portray women like this. We need a little bit more,

we need a little bit more social, just as happening in your show. It's all gonna be behind the scenes, and it's all gonna be based on percentages. And that's, it's going to squeeze more and more. It's going to squeeze people like us, like regular dudes onto direct funding models like Patreon. That's my prediction. So if you're on YouTube, if you're on, if you're anywhere where you rely on ads and you are not towing the line of ultra progressive ideals. You must get on some kind of crown, crowd-funded platform like Patreon.com slash the Dix show.

All right, Ginger, you said on Reddit that you would get a tattoo if I drew it. Yes, I would. What the hell is it? What are you thinking? I mean, I got a bunch already and I thought like My next one I thought why not get an original dick master sent on me. Oh, yeah, well me tattoos you got already Right now yeah, yeah Say it again. Oh, I got nine tattoos right? Oh, you good nine tattoos? Are they giant like sleeve tattoos? Like, I don't know how to, how do you count tattoos if you got them all over your body?

What are we talking about? I got one big one, few medium sized ones and then like a couple small ones. Can we see them? If you wear a dress shirt, you have to put makeup on your hands when you go on a job interview. Like how many tattoos are we talking about here? They go down to my wrist, nothing on my hands, nothing on my neck or anything like that. All in my arms. Are they frightening?

Like skulls? No, one of them is a cartman. They even got cartman right here on the wrist. And I got, do you have any stipulations on what I can draw? I'm just going to ask that you don't draw a penis. I would never do that to you. It's not, it's not a moral system when he wrote it on every page in his textbooks in school. On your brother's textbooks. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm not too picky as long as like, I mean, I'm not too picky as long as like, you know, if I'm with the chick and she sees it, she won't put on her clothes and walk out.

Okay, I'm gonna do this. Dick, can you draw? I mean, yeah. Well, look, I'm defying draw. Show me a draw. Draw a picture of you right now. Hold on, I'm gonna draw a picture of Buckley right now. Are you? Yeah. Get my nose of you right now. Hold on, I'm a draw picture of Buckley right now. Are you?

Yeah. Yeah. Get my nose. There we go. Get a picture. All right, we gotta get that mustache. You got a sick porn stash right there. Oh yeah.

You look kind of like Sean. You look like a... They're saying that he looks like our child. Yeah, Buckley looks like a child between Sean and myself. Let me make sure I get that. Okay, what do you think about that? That's really good. That's a giant middle finger that says,

fuck you, don't ever question my ability to draw. Buckley, I could draw the most beautiful tattoo of this guy for a real fun surprise. I'm not gonna draw any dicks on you, man. I would never do that to you. I'm excited to do it. That was my main concern. Is that it?

Is there any good? You got a size requirement? You got a size requirement or like a placement in mind? I'm thinking on my inner bicep. So like, oh, something like three, four inches. Like when Popeye flexes his arm on the cartoon and they show like a close up of his bicep and it's like a bunch of pans or tanks like rolling over dudes or like the guns of the

Navarone blasting off like that section. Exactly. Oh, okay. All right. I want to get as many ideas from Reddit and Facebook as possible and Twitter on this. And then I will draw you. Are you in Philly by chance? Are you coming to road?

No, I'm not. And I wasn't able to make it out to Philly. I really wanted to go. Where do you live? Anytime you're in California doing a live show, I'll be there. Where do you live in California? In Sina. In Sina Valley.

He's we could get this. He's 20 minutes from here. 20 minutes from here. Okay. Yeah. I will do. I will draw you a tattoo. I don't know if it's going to be next week or at the California live show at the LA live show, but I promise you all, I will draw you a fucking tattoo. Awesome. Thank you. And there's going to be no dicks. There's going to be no tricky stuff, no gay stuff, no funny stuff, straight up tattoo for you. And I'll never do it again. I'm never drawing another tattoo for as long as I live.

Awesome. Thank you very much, Dick. Ginger, thank you. Hey, what makes you a rage? We're not cleaning up their dog shit on the sidewalk. Yeah, yeah, man. Yeah, all over my neighborhood. Oh, and then see now. Yeah, people just don't clean up their dog shit out here. I don't know why. We got to start throwing at them. That's what I was thinking.

I was seriously thinking that yesterday, but. You know what it is? It's drones that are going to fix this problem. Like we're going to, the same thing with the shitty neighbors We're just going to have a fleet of drones that cruise around the city looking for small Inconvenient infractions and they will immediately swarm you if you don't pick up your dog shit And one drone will hold you against the wall and the other drone force feed you Force off you your dog. I thought you met a drone with a pooper scooper on the bottom and the other drone force feed you. I thought you meant a drone with a pooper scooper on the bottom like the drones we're gonna take care of the

No, I don't want to fund that one. You're right. I want to fund the one that punishes the asshole I want to punish if you're playing loud music. They're just they're gonna come in and they're just gonna scream at you nonstop like a baby. They're gonna take it. They're gonna have a baby They're gonna justate one and produce it and just hold it right in your face all night until you turn your fucking music down. This is a teaching system. Not just plays a parrots screech sample.

Yeah. All right, we're gonna fix that for you too, Ginger. Thanks for calling, have a good one and an Encino. Yeah. That's good. Okay, that's about all we got for today, I think. Let me make sure. All right, you've been listening to the Dix show.

Buckley, thank you for stopping by. Anything you want to pitch? Anything you want to pitch? No, come visit me on Twitter at Duplicitron. Follow Send Me Ads. You got any silly kind of numbers or anything on that? Just Duplicitron? That's it, yeah.

Like a deceptive robot. It's exactly. Like a deceptive robot, like a transformer that yeah, little, little plan work. Lier, little comedy. That's you. Okay. Lying robot. Thedickshow.com. Dick.show. Got a Patreon.com slash the Dick show.

If you want to get the poster that's hanging up behind me, the Yam poster hanging over my right shoulder on the video stream, go to shop.dick.show. Thanks for listening. See you next Tuesday. This outro is by, this one's by Sam Glaze. And it's called, I've been singing it all morning. It's called, some days. Some days man.

What should I draw on that guy? Oh man. Right there. So when he's flexing. I was just going to ask, is it for a specific part? Yeah, right. That's a, dude, that is, that is prime. Yeah, so, you know what I mean?

I'd rather have that than his forehead. I hope he's like ripped. It's like a Schwarzenegger, like Carl Weathers ripped. He's got to do that. If I do that, he's got to work out just, he's got to do curls on that arm for the rest of his life. That's it. I don't care if he runs, I don't care if he's a car.

He's still ripped. So he's talking about predator. Predator. I'm always talking about predator. I'm always about predator predator? I'm always talking about predator. I'm always talking about What do you think? Sean? I don't know man.

I'm not good at coming up with timeless designs like that. What about a boat? A boat? A boat? A boat? A boat that says Syria on You have any tattoos Sean you got any tattoos no, no nothing can go wrong. Yeah, I got a tattoo Secret oh

Chicks only wow, yeah special secret tattoo All aboard where's it? Taint it's on my pants pants area. Oh, okay, It's on my pants area. It's on the show the doll where you touched you. You're going to jail if you touch if you if the kid shows that the area where my tattoo is. What is it? What is it a heart? I can tell you man. A little rainbow. I've said enough. A tiny frog. Too much. It's said too much. It's a tiny, it's a pepe. Yeah. It feels good, man. It's right on one of my balls.

I got a tattoo of Pepe's and the speech bubble is on the other ball. It just feels good, man. So I bust, as I dress to the right over the speech bubble, the girl just sees the pepe on my testicle. And then she sees a little bit of the speech bubble coming out of his mouth. And she's like, what's he saying? I'm like, what's he saying? I'm like, you gotta turn the page, find out.

So she've flopped my wiener over. You see what that phrase means? I didn't know. What? Dressed to the right means you put your dick in the right pant leg? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. You did not have it.

That's enough. But you cover suggestions. What do you say when they ask her, where do you dress? Which way do you dress, sir? What do you say? I said, probably fine, because I I don't know they're asking like go Sean what there's gotta be a class for this shit How the fuck are like I don't teach you what Buckley how old are you?

I got some voicemails on 39 you're 39. No, are? No, are you really? Yeah, oh no, Buckley is. No, no, I know. I know, you're not. Yeah. What do you 36? Yeah, on a good day. Nope. Yeah.

And you know, interested in the right. Okay, let me find some voicemails. Trust to the right. The dick what makes me a rage is people who fart on the fucking plane. Especially when I'm sitting next to a courgiously hot blonde. I am right next to her and she's right next to me and I'm checkingly hot blonde. I am right next to her. And she's right next to me. And I'm checking her out thinking, yeah, God, she's cute. I'm gonna talk to her. I'm gonna talk to her.

And then it's fucking kids. This smell, somebody's farting in the sardine can. There's nowhere to fucking run. I'm right next to her. You know who she's gonna think it is? She's gonna think it for me. She's gonna think it's me. So now I'm so that they can all God do I talk to her Is she gonna think that this conversation's covering up the smell that's not coming out of my ass

But it's not coming from somebody it seems like next to me so it's gonna go right to me So I asked my I am sitting there like looking around at the end of the plan asked my coworker I was like, dude, were you farting? No. So they didn't hit me. It's probably harder. But what if it wasn't? The whole fucking flight. I was cockpawed by a fart because I didn't, I was too afraid to talk to her, because I didn't want to think about sitting there

fucking passing gas the whole time. And her being like, oh, hey. So, hey, hey, Blondie, that just took the flight from Minnesota to Denver. That guy that gave the Apple flavor gum, because I know you're a dickhead. Oh, I'll hop on for dickheads, right? The guy that gave the Apple gum was not farting. That was somebody else.

And if it was you, I forgive you. You're fucking hot. That's all I got. See you next Tuesday. Here's the honor. If you can't come you. Get your fucking hot. That's all I got. See you next Tuesday. Here's the honor. If you can't come in here, come out here. But don't fucking fart next to her. It was her the whole time.

It turned out. I hope she's listening. That's a Twilight Zone episode. Yeah. Cut to 20 minutes. Everybody leaves the plane and whatever whatever whoever that Twilight Zone guy is Who's the guy that did Rod Serling? Mm-hmm he goes actually it was her farting the whole time. Mm-hmm the guys like no

Yeah No, I could have been we put it could have been fart pals on that playing together Here we go. Hey dick. This is jumbo Johnson right here. I got a fucking problem Jim, you know know I just had a had a Tinder meet up come over to my apartment. She was all right. We met up a couple times before She's you know, it's all five out of ten But you know she's way more into me than I am into her So I was trying to get off on that I came over

I got a couple drinks, watch some netclips, and then things got hot and heavy. I perfectly was, I was doing comments in the night, making sure I was so fit for me ready to tackle this. And, you know, so fairly drunk, made a move, one thing led to another, we started banging. Take it to the bedroom, being banged boom, you know, the show's over. I'm just sitting there, she's on a prop and me and I'm like, uh, I'm trying to feel something wet, you know, kind of around my whole body. I'm like, what's going on here? There's a, there's wetting from my arms, there's wetting

on my back. I'm like, what the fuck am I feeling? So she gets off, I get up, there's a whole fucking puddle on my bed and We both look at each other and she's like I don't I don't know if that is what's never happened before Not thinking in my in my head. I'm like Well, you know first of all there's no organ in the female body that can produce that much liquid It is a big sexual context this vicious peel my bed This vicious peel on my bed. This bitch is peeing on my bed. Dick, did she pee on my bed? I said she peed on you dude. I need to pee on you dude. I need to know if you just peed on my bed. You got to piss on your bed dude.

It's like an evening clock right now and I'm at the wash on my god damn sheets and my computer and all the way down to the mattress because it's so true there's people in my bed and i don't do it my life right now i like it this is a turning point in my life there's a now a a pretty and post-p mark in my life i don't know what to do i need i need help you need to tell me what to do uh... this shit pissed on my bed dick i need help you got to lose the goose pissed on my bed, dick. I need help. You got too loosey, goosey on Tinder, man.

You started bringing home fives. This is five behavior. You're now in the thing about messing around with fives. You're a five. If you're living in the world of fives, if you're a $5 booze cruiser, if you're on the boat, you are a booze cruiser. If you are in the world of fives, you're a fucking five. And this is, this is the five life. You are now living, you've heard of the high life, you're living the five life. And that includes having piss on your bed.

You need a break. You need to pump the breaks. You need a break from Tinder. Everybody needs a break from Tinder because it starts eating away at your soul. You turn into a guy who's who's trying to clean piss out of his bed because he's got a he's got another five coming over in 20 minutes. And he needs to knock it out. The worst thing about Tinder is it will tell you who you are. Everybody sits around, guys sit around and they talk about who you know, I'd bang, I wouldn't bang, I would never bang like that. You know, this is who I would be is dead. Tinder tells you who you fucking are.

And the who you are is a guy who would bang a never ending series of fives who piss on your bed. If you don't want to know the truth, do not use the app. That app is the fucking sphinx. I think I want it to work. Yo, Dick. I got one or two more. Alright. Yo Dick, I just wanted to thank you for episode 108. Fucking genius. Thank you. Thank Madcast. I think Sean, of course.

Dude, fucking 108 and Rick and Morty season three, episode one, have just made my life now. I'm happy guy. That's pretty good. Just know how to release it. Fucking kill me now. That's cool. I'm complete now.

Thank you for the closure. Seriously, man. Go fuck yourself. Hey, you're welcome. People are saying that was like the season that was season one of the Dix show, that show, the bonus episode. Oh yeah. Yeah, because the Dix show started, you know,

kind of out of nothing and had built this story arc of Mad Cux and then actually doing that show was like the season finale. Yeah, it feels that way. Yeah, kind of did. That was very strange. And I've heard a couple other people say the same thing

where there were times in that episode where I was like, oh God, this is a little real. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it was like I wasn't having fun at all moments where I was like, oh wow, that's, how was that so dead on? Yeah, yeah, Mad Cucks is really good at that. I guess we'll see how good in his new book,

The Best Book in the Universe. I can't wait to buy it. I'll just go to the bestbook in the universe.com if I... Oh. They got thought as serious as ex-wife with fuck. The low-tack as ex-wife. It's like four times as fuck for that lamp attraction point. What the fuck was that? The Tammy lap track I'm talking about. Yeah. I thought that was funny.

I'm fucking weird. Not everybody likes that shit. Because you get desensitized. You know how you get desensitized to porn? You get desensitized to comedy on the internet too, where things just don't make you laugh. I don't know. Buckley, you're a comedy guy. You could explain it. I'm going through and I'm trying to find something on Netflix for my kid to watch early learning crap. And I hear that the multiple categories though and two categories uh... something like a girl power and the other one of girls girls take the lead in the other was princess power

which would be fine for the that's it there's too dedicated female talent was not a single one for a little boy and i just that's just one you experience that you raised and son That just seems wrong to me. You experienced that? You raised a new son. I mean, I didn't notice, but I mean, are cars for boys? Like, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't know that I even thought about as, like, gender charged. Yeah. Are girls not interested in cars in the movie? Well, I don't know. That's a good question. I'll tell you this. At the family reunion when I was with the little Irishman watching TV, there was this show on called like Elena, like it was some princess show. And I said, Hey, buddy, do you, my four-year-old nephew,

I'm like, Hey, buddy, do you like this show? And he goes, I hate this show. Just not her fact. Oh, yeah. But he's watching. I hate this show. No, he was kind of dicking around with other stuff. But you know, the Disney or whatever is just on all day. Yeah. Because if it's not on, he wants to put something on it. Like, the argument is he'll put something on. And then when that is exhausted, it just keeps playing whatever else is in the in the hopper. And he's going to hate this show. Like in a real, real angry. Yeah. I go, yeah. Why is that? And he goes, it's just a girl's show. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, why is that? And because it's just a girl's show. Like I watched the whole thing. And

sure enough, it was, it was dumb as hell. Yeah. Like the the lesson was about working together and like not judging people on their appearance. And like all of the plot devices were magic and bullshit and dumb. And like the main hero in the main character was perfect. Like she was always, always knew everything, innocent about everything, like just wanted to make friends. Also the smartest girl, also the prettiest girl in the world. I was like, yeah man, I fucking,

this is girl entertainment, this is shit. This is complete shit. But then clutch powers, that what he likes comes on, guys a total asshole. Fuck's up. Got one liners, but boy is he a piece of shit. It's like the way they the way they brainwashed girls into thinking that they're these innocent infallible flowers who like like wander into situations and just with the best of intentions

in the world and that they don't need to alter what they're doing at all. It's so obvious, even at that age, that the him, the four year old, it couldn't hold his attention for 10 seconds. Yeah, this is shit. Yeah, and he's not sitting there analyzing it on the level that you are right there. Well, he is, he just doesn't know how to express it.

Well, but I mean, but it's, I think it's a lot more organic than that, where it hits really that. Yeah. But it hits really quickly. Yeah. Like he comes to that conclusion in five seconds. Yeah. I thought it was interesting.

Oh, because he's, I hate this show. It's like, man, you watch fucking Paw Patrol. That show is dumb as hell. And you hate this show? Your show, your taste is questionable. It's suspect already. And you're telling me you fucking hate this? All right, I'd love to know why.

Girl show, uncle. It's girl show, it's done. And my sister's flipping out. She's like, how did he know this already? Why is he already saying these things? He goes, now I'll tell this, he's setting up a Lego factory. And he's got all of his little Lego figures

lining the factory. And he's got all of his little Lego figures lining the factory. Yeah. And he's got Ariel sitting out. Am I supposed to go, why is Ariel over there? And he goes, she's in trouble. She wasn't working hard. She was just sitting around doing nothing. She wasn't working the fact.

My God. Fuckin' no. She's fleeing. Why does he think this? I'm like, I don't know. He's got access to one woman every day and somehow he got the idea that they don't work. Oh, no. All right, that's enough.