The Dick Show - Episode 458 - Dick on The Ringer

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

Jeff Bridges names my son, the deck police chase some burglars, the wedding blackface painter is caught, Kanye blows the Fourth Reich, "You don't complain about Islam enough", a tribal contest to pick up a fat American woman, a gangster photoshops his knuckles, the Chinese attack luxury goods, the perfect amount of women, how to meet friends in the city after 30, and the WATP/TDS Live Show is coming on June 21st; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

I think you might be right. Ah! Yeah, it's... JD Vance meeting with the president of India. Ah! No! Twitter is the most downloaded app in India today. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yeah, yeah, I agree. Yeah, we had India, especially, yeah. Just take them offline, how about? That's it, we gotta go. No more Goop Scoop. Fifth generational warfare, the great firewall. I thought all the street food was funny at first, but day in and day out, it's just Goop Scoop

after Goop Scoop. I'm done with the street food. It's not funny anymore, I don't wanna see any jokes about it, just wall it off. Wall it off, get it out of here. It's not funny anymore. I don't want to see any jokes about it. Just wall it off. Wall it off. I need a big, I need a big moat. I wouldn't know what to fill the moat with though. All the street food.

There's nothing they won't swim through. Or cook. Or eat. I found who did the black face at my wedding. You did. I know who added to it. You're never gonna believe it. You're never gonna believe who did the blackface at my wedding.

Who blackfaced me at my own wedding. You're never gonna believe it, Johnny. On this the day of my own wedding. On this the day of my wedding. You're never gonna believe who did, who blackfaced me. Who done it? My dad! Your dad?

In 4K! Caught in 4K and I've got a pic, he thought he was doing a good thing so I got a picture of him just delicately like he's Michelangelo applying the black face directly to my forehead. You know what, you should take that picture and submit it to the LA County Fair. Yeah, thanks dad, that's what I'll call it. Thanks dad. A study, yeah. Do I have to do that to my son now to pass the curse on? I gotta blackface his painting at his wedding? We had one of those paint by numbers painting things that my wife thought would be fun

and I don't argue with it even though I look at it and I say like, that looks like, that looks like something a vampire would do if it was stuck, if there was something wrong with it. If it was glitching out in the matrix, sitting there for three hours painting it. And these Chinese, you know, the Chinese with the tariffs, they take these pictures and they turn it into a,

they turn it into a 24 color thing, right? And they just outline, they drew, the computer optimizes it so that you can use 20 colors or whatever, 24 colors. And it always turns, it always becomes goofy. We did one of the three of us, me and my wife and the dog. And the way the computer like analyzed it, it didn't save any colors for the dog

So the dogs like black and white it looks like a ghost dog So it looks like us and in front of this like crummy vista and dogs like black and white like it's dead So we're like all right whatever we put all this time into it. I guess we're just gonna hang it up whatever Am I live I hope I'm live. Yeah, okay. Oh, I'm not in the live thing. Okay. So I get the one for our wedding and hang it up at the front.

And then I'm like, oh, God, okay, it's Chinese. So they didn't include brushes. So I'm getting brushes. You know, I'm all rushed. And then I open it and it's got all the little... Okay, first of all The the end result is nobody painted it except for one jackass Just painted the place that you can see where my skin is you can see on the camera now my beard just where my skin

Is right here all black Wesley Snipes black colored and then no one else touched it because they're like what the hell is this? Yeah, you look like an iPhone when it's turned off. Yeah, it's kind of insane Totally I thought I'm like this is an inappropriate joke It must have been either Johnny or Vito or Nick Reketa who did this and you guys are all blaming each other Well with no one taking accountability, which I'm very big on now. I took accountability for goading Vito into it.

Because I told him, I was like, dude. Boom, accountability. Yes. The secret is you've got to take accountability, but you want to kind of get in front of it. Right. You know? Yeah.

I'd like to take accountability. I was involved, and I goaded that guy into doing it. I teased Vito into doing it. I was like, look, you already brought the 40. Now paint an MF Doom mask on our friend. Embrace your destiny. Yes, do it. So no one wanted to do it because it was so very offensive.

It was a hate crime if you add to it. Hate crime, obviously. So I was taking it out of the package that came from Amazon. And I take taking it out of the package that came from Amazon, and I take the paint out, and then out falls off the package a thing of sticky numbers, like stickers. I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. What? They didn't even stick the numbers on the paint things.

So I'm there peeling off one. OK, which one is that? Pink, one, two, slightly more pink, mauve, okay. Like they're all very similar because it's like a picture of real life. So I go through and I get to the very end and there's one that is skipped. There's one that's, there's a number that's skipped.

And then there's another thing of paint and like a six pack of paint. These are all touching. And this six pack of paint. These are all touching and this six pack is its own little thing that has further numbers, 25, 26, all the way up to what it is. And I knew at the time like, that's gonna be a problem. I know that's gonna be a problem.

This is the kind of things that the Chinese mind doesn't understand. This is gonna be a big problem for the American consumer that these are detached and that one of them doesn't have a sticker. All assembly required. Yes! So, sure enough, my brother-in-law sends his pictures of the wedding and there's my father.

He goes, oh yeah, I did that. That was me. I did it. And it's expertly applying the blackface to my forehead and I said, why the hell did you do that? Wait, so did he have a can of kiwi shoe polish with him when he painted you? Cause that was like- It was a nighttime picture.

So there was, so there was midnight black that was supposed to be, you know, I said, why did you, why'd you do that? And he goes, well, one of the paints was missing. And I said, was it 25? He goes, yeah. I said, okay, that's the one I knew. And I said, was it 25? He goes, yeah. I said, okay, that's the one I knew. And so I said, okay, yeah, I knew that would be a problem.

Second question, why, why out of 27 pictures of colors of paint and an entire tapestry to work from, did you immediately go to the number of paint that you number one, couldn't find, but number two, doesn't look anything like me Why did you pick the black one and go right for my forehead with it? And he goes well. I wanted to make you tan I thought you'd look a little better if you were more tan like are you are you serious?

How tan how tan was there more tan? I don't know I just thought I already picked the section I wanted to do and get it started and I thought it would look I and the number wasn't there So I thought it would look a lot That like you couldn't so you saw every other number like ah, you know what and I know I'm like I don't believe I don't believe the first party story. I don't think that you did miss I think you just saw it and said you know what I'm gonna black this You said that's what he gets for spilling a slurpee in my car

Yeah, seriously Oh shit, that's the wrong now. It's it's ruined the whole episodes ruined. It's blackface. No, it's blackface Thank you, dude. Dick. I got a big one. Big, big, big win. Yeah! Welcome to Dick.

Excuse me. You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick, you got it! It's the show, where we have a contest. Give me a laugh want Dickie, you need Dickie, you love Dickie. Get it! It's the show, it's a contest, give me a laugh from Mount and Bunker, deep in the heart of the city, a failure, I'm your host, Dick Masterson, aka the 20 million dollar man, joining me as always is Johnny on the spot. Johnny the idiot engineer,

the film soundtrack guy, Johnny the all the things today. Don't be bragging. Don't be, you're Don't be bragging. Don't be... You're deep in the bragging today. You know... How you been? I've been good, but I immediately... My mood was soured when I walked in.

Oh, why's that? Well, here's the thing that pisses me off, Dick. And I'm surprised you haven't mentioned it yet. Derek's got another big typo today. Oh, I did see that. On the cover of his shitty Yira book. Yeah, go ahead, sorry. You didn't spell Yira wrong? Yeah.

So, I'm walking up to your house. Yeah. And on your nice fence out front, I notice a big advertisement for a company that's... Infrastructural. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I don't get any money for that. They're doing the construction. They went out of their way to fuck your shit up take your money and then advertise on your house

I really don't I don't like it to be honest with you I don't I also don't like that they screwed this thing fucked your fence up well It's not through the fence. It's through like the okay. It's through the between space between the slats They screwed it to something else, but I'm like, you know, I don't need that That's a bit much. I didn't need to tell everybody That's a bit who was doing the work here those guys to satellite in everyone's backyards and force themselves And then advertise is if that's a bit much I I would like 50 bucks off the contract if I can check a box it could even be opt-out

Hey, if you if you want to save 50 bucks We're gonna put a sign in front of your house that says who's doing the work It'll be right under the outhouse the outhouse is obviously gonna have their their own sign Right, but go ahead and don't uncheck this box if you want to save $50 and you don't mind the little sign I would feel nice about that. They just been filling your yard with advertisements You live at the top of the hill not the bottom of it. What the fuck is happening, man? So they're building a skyscraper, you know in the backyard. Yeah My my Mexican 14 pillars or whatever that went down to the bedrock. We're not good enough

Mexican 14 pillars or whatever that went down to the bedrock were not good enough Some some fat retard down at the league office is lecturing me on bad contractors I'm like you're the you know why you're working at the city cuz you're a bad contra. Mm-hmm said Everybody be cool, honey, buddy How is it a wedding this weekend? Uh oh. Beautiful wedding. But the whole time I'm just seething at all of the decks. It's all these beautiful views, right?

Of the redwoods up north. Beautiful, beautiful striking vistas, picturesque, better than makes Bob Ross look like dog shit. Beautiful views, Easter views, everyone's dressing lovely, you know. And I'm just sitting there looking at the decks, craftsmanship, seething about the craftsmanship of these decks, counting the pillars, measuring them out in my mind and thinking, these decks are exactly what my deck was

before the city made me not even tear it up, just dig an entirely new one that looks like a Chinese skyscraper that has a gigantic retaining wall for no reason, cantilevering the entire deck with the existing support structures out of it that I don't need Seething you know what happened. It wasn't having a child that made you a father. It's this deck situation Yeah, yeah, honestly judging that I've been dealing with this in silence for three years Like a rape victim. I'm gonna go to a in silence for three years. Like a rape victim.

I'm gonna go to a rape counseling, like rape anonymous, rape, rape, rapeese, and I don't know what they are. So yeah, I would like to tell my story of this guy, Lieutenant Dunbar of LADBS, L.A. Department of Building and Services that raped me. That raped me one morning and I'm gonna tell it and the women would be like, I have a question. Are you actually talking about

rape or yeah. Yeah. I am. In fact, a worse. Did you ask for that sign in your front yard? Did you ask for two signs in your front yard? I don't think so. Here's the real, here's the real capper. Somebody broke into a house down the street from me, which is insane, right? That that's that's a lot of effort that's a big mountain to climb that's a big mountain to climb there's the the poor people down the mountain they have tons of stuff steal from them they got to they got stuff they already stole from other people you know re-steal it just re-steal it don't come all the way up here and steal look

you know what are we gonna have up here? You can't steal a grand piano. Like, what are you thinking, you stupid asshole? They might try to now. You think they could wheel that shit out? It'd be like a Laurel and Hardy bit as they rolled all the way down the mountain. Just getting bowled over by a fucking piano.

I need to get rid of that piano. Ah, ah, get a nice little church one that I can wheel around. You know those ugly, those ugly Tesla looking ones? The P, what is it, a P22? Those are awful. Ugh, they sound amazing though. They sound amazing.

That's true. The uprights, they waste too much money on that gloss. That gloss stuff is just- Get it out. Get it out, I need a matte wood finish. I need to see the plywood back. I need a matte wood finish. I need to see the plywood Back I need to not see myself I need there to be no chance like a serial killer that breaks the mirrors and stabs the eyes out of the dolls

I need that in a piano. I don't ever want to have to see myself. It's just all crooked. It's Fanta black So they break into this burglars break into the house. I get a notification on my My neurotic wife app that I have installed on my wife's phone. I Was saying your house Installed in my house that alerts me if any sort of danger has happened on earth today And the app says there was just a breaking down the street. It sounds like that too. There was a breaking down the street.

I said, oh my god, that's where that's that's really close right where we walk the dog, right? So I'm thinking, you know, okay Maybe I should call maybe I should call the city and report a couple of guys building illegal decks down the street. Maybe that's what... That's what'll get them up here. Yeah, I'm... I'm the...

Because we're not reporting... The crimes isn't working. So maybe if we report whatever that other tier of crime is, where some big fat bureaucrat waddles up the hill... These guys broke in and started building an illegal deck. And then they took their illegal deck back to Compton. You should go chase them down. I know they don't have any permits.

And they said, fuck that fat guy down at the LA DVS, Officer Gordo, or whatever. They said they're going to send me to fucking prison. Like, what the fuck? That's insane. Send that other guy to prison. Oh, did you see that Kanye is a gay fish as it turns out? Oh, it turns out South Park is right.

Yeah, he sucked his cousin's wiener because of pornography or something. That's a damn, hmm. You mean to tell me Now I'm glad that the swastika shirts got cancelled, right? All this time all this crying that we had to listen to about hate speech and swastikas and Hitler and all this shit you mean to tell me that the whole time Kanye was just gonna drop that

he sucked his cousin's penis until he was 14? Do you- who's the joke on? I guess it's on everybody. Hey, by the- okay, alright, fourth- fourth Reich over, I- I went ahead and sucked my cousin's penis until he was 14, so... He's probably the most- I lost my goddamn YouTube account for making jokes about Kanye and OJ the Jews Remember that I remember that

Fought a known that Kanye sucked his cousin's penis. Yeah, so it was 14 and way sooner. Yeah, I don't think they would have been my account They said yeah, I mean he's making jokes about the Jews, but Kanye sucked his cousin's penis. Yeah. That's crazy. Flummoxed. I am. It's... Takes a lot of starch out of it, doesn't it?

It does. Is then swastika a gay thing now? Is it gay to be a Nazi? I thought it always was, right? I don't know. Maybe. Well, cause you're... No, I don't know. Now I'm confused cuz they erase it on to an ideal and therefore that's good That's good. That's pretty good. Maybe it is a Maybe it's a gay

Incest awareness you want to wear uniforms with other dudes Go for it. Okay. Yeah, let's straight up gay, bro Pretty shocking. I want to see what he has to say next, though. You know? Yeah. For real. What else has been going on?

All right. How many times? I want to see what's at the end of this road and how far does it go? Hopefully it's not a short road. I want to see this road continue on. There's gotta be a lot of Nazis that are kind of like, they got rugged, you know? They're thinking like, aw man. That's what's funny.

Cause you make a lot of statements in support of something, like even sneakily. And then it turns out they suck their cousin's dick and you're like, fuck, I can't unring the bell. You can't unring the bell, man. I can't unring the bell you can't unring the bell man can't un support I don't look like a homophobe that's what makes it so funny he's either the greatest comedian we've ever seen yeah hell of a producer I mean I can't knock the shit he's making too yeah is he still doing

that a hail that Hitler song he had a whole song the shit he's making too. Yeah, is he still doing that Hitler song? He had a whole song about Hitler. He's got a whole slew of them. It's gonna hit a little bit differently now. Yeah. Out of everything, it's gonna hit differently. They gotta start saying Kanye's music sucks. Or Kanye sucks.

Like, Kanye sucks, yeah. Is the cousin uh Reached for comment The cousin with the penis that got sucked That did Bianca Sensori know about this. Is he lying? I don't know. It's pretty funny. It's funny I've never not I've never seen Nazis get roped so rope-a-doped so badly I think he's just gonna pull the wool on everyone. He's gonna be like, oh yeah, well now I'm a devout Catholic

and Catholic's gonna be like, oh, that's cool. And then he's like, ah, just kidding. Just kidding. Yeah, there's always gonna be, that's why I wanna see how far this goes. Where does his imagination end? Where are you going, Kanye? Can you give us a hint?

No, I don't even think he knows. He has his penis, wow. I gotta know more. Where are you going? Kanya, can you give us a hint? No. You know? I don't even think he knows. Sucked your cousin's penis. Wow! I gotta know more. I need the liner notes. Of this track. That's a bomb to drop, yeah. On Easter? You sucked your cousin's dick on Easter?

Maybe that's why he tweeted. Why did you have to tweet it on Easter though, bud? Everyone just saw their cousin! What are you doing? everyone just saw their cousin. What are you doing? Maybe he saw his cousin. Oh, yeah remind him of the good old days the Pope died, too That's a blessing Yeah, all right. I mean isn't that good right like yeah, he's going home to God. That's great. Yeah, we should be excited for him That's awesome man. Oh the whole the whole the whole should be thrilled for him. That's awesome, man. The whole group should be thrilled.

Unless he's been sucking his cousin's dick, too. He was also sucking Kanye's cousin's dick, I imagine. Well, now they're going to put a black pope in. I'm kind of like really hype on the Catholic Church being able to wield the N-word for their own purposes. It's like the force. The first time the fire alarm beeps at the Vatican. I don't hear any laughter going on.

I'm fucking worried now. Oh, shit. I'll just edit that later. God's speaking through these chirps. He can just do it at any point. Merry Christmas, my, you know, ends. Whoa. Turn off your sail foam in church. Turn off your sail phone.

Do you see Bloodroof here? Bloodroof, yeah. Bloodroof. She's got a little sail phone. How does you see Bloodroof here? Bloodroof, yeah. Bloodroof. She's got a little sail phone. How does she look worse than Vito? Isn't that incredible that he actually pulled that off? Nice work, Vito. That his Chinese piece of shit

looks better than Eric Chalai's Chinese piece of shit. Yeah, the same guys made it. I don't know how they've managed to fuck that up, but. That's great. But this one sucks. Vito W on that one man Vito W Vito W Black Pope maybe we could get a pope Maybe we could get a pope that he's laid you know maybe he's

Maybe like a normal by a woman. Oh yeah Yeah, like more like a normal guy. Is there, at what point, I know the popes used to be normal guys, and then they turned into like a, some kind of a fucked up eunuch, for no, no real reason. Like, I don't know why they're Jedi guys that they can't have sex. It's a move in piousness. But it's kind of like too much. It's too much.

It's, it's really much. It's too much. It's really too much. Well, again, it's the front facing like, oh, I don't need sex. It's like, yeah, because you just got some from one of your staff. Yeah. Your younger staff.

Yeah, it's really untrustworthy that you're not getting laid a little, even from one woman. Like, everyone's kind of agreed that one woman is you know, fine. Yeah. It's about as much as you can take. Causes problems. It causes problems one way or the other. Let's put it that way. Too many, too much.

You could trade them. But as long as you average out, the best average for women is slightly below one, I would say. Because you got your mom for a while, and then you want to take, and then you go to school, whatever. You're always pretty much stuck at one the first 20 years of your life, which is just a fucking nightmare. So you got to drop below one for, get that number down, but then you can't go too far down You start getting some very unhealthy habits you fall below like a point eight and your point

Yeah, I would say between point eight and point eight five is the ideal number of women Maybe point nine any anything less Goblin mode. Yeah, and civilized Anything less would be uncivilized. Exponentially, it works in either direction. It's very bad. Two, you get all messed up. You end up going to jail. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. Oh, man. Or you're like Hugh Hefner. You got to balance it out with gay porn, you know? Fuck, man. Three chicks here. Hugh Hefner, you gotta balance it out with gay porn, you know? Fuck man. Three chicks here, I need to watch some gay porn. And then no one can identify with you anymore, so you get all fucked up. But why don't they have a, just a nice family man, the pope.

I saw Mel Gibson getting floated around as a possible replacement, that would be good. Agro pope? Yeah, agro pope. He brings back the Crusades Yeah, that needs something we do need some we do need something Something maybe that's what Kanye should do next is start the Crusades Well, I don't know how you're gonna get over this cousin dick second thing with Crusades. Yeah He's gonna have to kill somebody. He's gonna have to crusade a lot of people he got out of the swastika thing

You know what he got out of the Nazi thing. That's that's what I'm saying, dude Whatever he has cooking up next is gonna fucking blow us away so hard. We won't even care about the cousin. That's true I thought you know this Nazi stuff that Kanye's doing. He's just never gonna I already forgot about it He's never gonna get away from it. I it's like permanent You can't be drawing swastika. You can't have a Super Bowl commercial with it with a Swastika and and have a giant gold Diamonds diamond encrusted swastika and then he goes and I sucked my cousin's dick until I was 14 I said, I don't even what swastika who I have what are you talking about? Magically, I didn't see any of it anymore that black robe meant nothing after that

All of a sudden it's like well the swastika's like well. I mean you know come on That's not even the least bad thing. He's done. Yeah Yeah, he just like gave you I bet you're like I bet you Jews felt feel stupid now for overreacting Bet you feel real stupid now you guys are more in common than you thought yeah Here's my big win. Oh, yeah, I got a big win There I was last week there I was last week. There I was last week, ready to give up on the name of Donald for my son.

It's a good name, it's a strong name. A lot of amazing Don's have happened. Don Imus. Don was. Don who? Imus. Don Was. Don who? Don Was. Don Was, who's that, has had a pedophile. Don Adams.

Don Adams. Inspector Gadget, you know. Don, old duck, obviously. Yep. There's one we keep forgetting, I don't know. There's a lot of amazing Don's. A lot of great Don's. A lot of great Don's.

Don Corleone. Don Corleone. Don Corleone. That was... Great Don. His first name was Don, right? But for some reason everyone's up my ass about it, saying it's a joke name, and I'm like, who are you talking to?

Huh. My name wasn't bad enough, I invented a whole nother name that's even worse. Ha ha ha. Who are you talking to? Um... Ahem. So, I was like, alright, fine. I guess I'll go along with the herd.

I guess I'll suck my cousin's dick then. That's what I'm gonna say from now on. Fine, I guess I'll suck my cousin's dick then. Yeah. Fine. You win. No more, I won't talk about the name Donald anymore. Fine.

So, everyone's happy, my wife's happy with me. She goes, oh hey, I got tickets to go to this really cool thing. She's a huge, she's a huge Big Lebowski fan. You know the movie? Oh I know the movie. Big Lebowski, right? Jeff Bridges. Big Lebowski. Like she's like, you know, girls will like be cool and like, yeah I kind of like that movie. She's like a super fan. She was a, even before we started dating, she would go to like the Lebowski Fest. She was like really hype on Jeff Bridges, Lebowski, all that stuff. And I said, oh, okay.

She goes, I got us tickets to go see, it's a very like small tour. It's the big Lebowski movie. And then Jeff Bridges does like a Q&A afterwards. So it's like, it might be really funny and cool, right? So I'm like, oh yeah, that's fun. That sounds like a good time, you know? One of the few occasions where I actually mean it. Right.

Usually I gotta do things, I'm like, can't wait. But this time I'm like, can't wait. That small little, that small difference. So the evening rolls around, the evening, oh, by the way, WATP TDS live show crossover event June 21st, okay? More, more, I'm doing a crossover with Carl this week, Wednesday, but more info to come. June 21st, tickets will probably be available on Wednesday. Get your fucking ass to the show in Boston.

June 21st, Boston T TBS, WATP. Okay. So we get to the event, the evening with the stars, and watch the Big Lebowski, and it's a huge, huge theater. Probably 3,000, the Orpheum downtown. Huge. Probably 3,000 people. Do you think 3,000 people? About that.

It's big, it's a big venue. And after the movie, they say, okay, Jeff Bridges will be out next with his buddy, and he's going to talk about stuff. And like, there's a briefcase, the ringer from the movie, there's a briefcase out in the lobby. Go ahead, go out there and write your questions on a Jackie Treehorn stationery. Awesome. Cocktail napkin, and maybe he'll answer your questions. Like, you know, we do that at our shows, you know, every time. It's fun to break it up, right?

So I said, okay. Me and my wife get up, go to the bathroom, I go get a beer. And then we both come back in our seats and she goes, she goes, I wrote, I wrote on the napkin, what should we name our son? I said, I wrote that too. How cute, right? How adorable, right? How adorable.

I see where this is going. So, Jeff Ridges is telling some story about this picture show he's got that he took during the Big Lebowski and it's of Steve Buscemi. And he starts talking about this picture show he's got that he took during the Big Lebowski and it's of Steve Buscemi and he starts talking about this crazy theory and Steve Buscemi's character and all this stuff about Steve Buscemi's character in the movie and how important it is and his friend goes, oh, that's amazing here Let's let's pull a question from the audience and I knew I

For some reason I knew when he pulled the napkin out, that it was mine. I can't tell you how I knew this, but it's something about the way it moved. It's a great magnet. It was speaking to me. The movement, I said, oh my God, and I saw it play,

I saw the future timeline play out in that moment and I've just never felt, it was only a few times that I felt this sort of certainty. You break through the odds. I'm seeing through time, right? I'm seeing time and space have inverted. I'm no longer moving through space and a slave to time. I am a master of time and a slave to space and I'm stuck in my seat manipulating time in my mind, right? And he goes, this is a personal one. His friend goes, Jeff, this is a personal one. personal one his friend goes Jeff this is a personal one he asks they ask he asks he could tell my masculine writing from the way I scribbled it out because

my wife is pregnant what should I name my son and without even a second of hesitation Jeff Bridges says Donnie and The whole theater erupts in applause and I turn to my wife and go Hahahaha Hahahaha What a fucking win man Hahahaha What a fucking win Hahahaha Hahahaha And she goes no Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HAHAHAHAHAHA That was like steering an aircraft carrier into a small harbor and you fucking landed it. You started that months ago.

Slow-mo landers, you know, when they're landing on a tiny runway and they get them in those big old fucking 747s You've been calling Donald for months Slow it down. Donnie! Said HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH for months. Slow it down. Donnie! He said, Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I'm winning too much, because you can't go against, you know. Look, we all know what it was, okay? Yeah. It was divine intervention. From God. Clearly God exists.

Clearly God exists now. Duh. You didn't know that, yeah. If you didn't know. This is the show where we converted to Christianity. Now listen as we accept Jesus into our heart. You know this dickhead came out too. He came out, he knocked on my door about the deck,

and he said, I'm here to introduce myself, I'm the inspector. I said okay, and he goes, well I didn't want you to be, he's like, my name is Steve, I'm the inspector. And I said okay, what do you mean? You work for the city? And he goes, no, I'm a independent contractor. I didn't want you to be surprised when you got another bill for my services.

I said, well, joke's on you, I'm still gonna be surprised. This isn't helping. Yeah. So what the fuck do you mean you're the inspector? The city's not inspecting it? He goes, no. I said, why? And he goes, well, they don't have the expertise.

Like, hahahaha! Okay. don't have the expertise. Okay so I said why doesn't the company that why doesn't Alpha Structural inspect it? He goes well that would be a conflict of interest. Like okay so walk me through this. The city says it's fucked that they're the only ones who know how to build it. I hire this company to build it, and then I have to hire you to tell the city that they did the correct job. Yeah. And the conflict of interest is not there in this. That's fucking insane.

Get out of here. Just send it. Just send the bill. Don't knock on the door. I'm being robbed. I called the police. Hi, it. Just send the bill. Don't knock on the door. I'm being robbed. I called the police. Hi police. I'm being robbed. This guy showed up. Charging me down the street He was right fucking here. Right here. This is where the big... This is where the heist is happening. Up and down the street. Deck deck deck deck deck. They are hulk-fisting all your cash right through your asshole with that one. That's insane. Yeah, I don't have I don't have this much to steal.

What are you gonna steal, a bunch of fucking ironic t-shirts? Yeah. Good luck fencing those. Sell them to Vito for three dollars a pop. Sell him the fake gold doubloons. Surely some fan will want to buy these. I'm gonna put a big fake treasure with like lead, like spray painted gold. Here you go, you dumb criminals. It's in this bestest box that it blows out right in your fucking mouth when you open it.

I'll get in trouble for that shit too! I want to booby trap someone so bad. I can't say that on recording, because then they'll have it in court, you know? Just kidding. But, God, I would love to just chop someone's fucking head off right when they deserve it. It would just be so funny if someone fell into like a pit of like insulation and had to climb. Of their own mind.

Yeah. The insulation of knowing that they've been fucking people over with no cares in the world. No light behind their eyes, man. What is this? What has this world come to? It really sucks. No booby traps. No booby traps does suck.

I guess if we were Vietnamese it would be a different story, but... Then I would really be Jonesy. Oh, well they'd be so good no one would see them until it was too late. Yeah. Then there would be no issues. Have you ever watched the booby traps, the Vietnam booby traps that they have on Twitter when there's spinning spikes and stuff? Those are...

Oh, man. Giving me ideas, right? That's pretty good. You ring my doorbell and it just comes down and rakes you. That's your head right off. If only. I know okay let's see here's a therapist drawing a swastika. I got a bunch of good comments today I don't know. Cool. I don't know if I'm gonna do a bunch of news shit. News on a Monday know cool. I don't know if I'm gonna do a bunch of news shit News on anything funny yeah news on a Monday night that Kanye news is pretty good. That's funny, man I

Again, I just want to see what's what's gonna make us forget about this comment Yeah How do you tell I guess it turns out sucking your cousin's dick is a bigger deal than being a Nazi I didn't know that well Kanye figured it out Kanye figured it out in the sense that everyone's like man Kanye How do I produce timeless beats like you do? He gave the sauce away just suck your cousin's dick That's what you guys have been you guys have been trying to learn music and stuff. Yeah You need to- You've been messing up. Yeah, you need to suck your cousin's dick and get so good at music that you can say that and people will still go, yeah, but late registration is pretty good.

Yeah. You know. Here's a, here's an MS-13 guy that got deported. Everyone's crying that Trump photoshopped his knuckles to say MS-13. This is the state of discourse around politics. Obama could drone strike an American citizen and all presidents could declare war, but Trump can't send gang members home without having all these retarded trials. Okay, here's this guy's, here's this dude's knuckle tattoos,

and I swear to God, they're saying that Trump Photoshopped MS-13 on this as a way to frame him. They're saying, they're not saying that he put MS-13 here to demonstrate what these mean in the same font that's on the header of this thing, but that he's photoshopped as though a gang member is putting font Ariel on the knuckle part of the hand. One of the funniest gangsters alive. Comic Sans, yeah.

You don't know that's photoshopped. It looks photoshopped. It's not photoshopped though. Oh, this is my fucking hand. It's pretty funny. Obviously, there's no, you know, there's no making, there's no explaining things to these people or having any sort of conversation resembling a intelligent dialogue, cohesive dialogue, or really anything. Anything in the, anything in the ballpark of cause and effect. Oh yeah, well, you know, he wanted to just explain

what those were, so they went ahead and just typed the letter on. You know, you've seen stuff like that in like every part of your life, always. They didn't, they don't think that this is faking people out into thinking that it's actually on his hand, you stupid assholes. Let's see.

Swing and a miss. Swing and a miss. Oh, the Chinese people. China's attacking the luxury goods. Did you see that? Oh yeah, I saw that. How they're doing all these like, hard sell infomercials on all the luxury bags getting made in China.

Well, here's my complaint, is I want all my bootleg shit to be even cheaper now. Yeah, they said we make it 80% off. I'm like, that's not even... I only buy bootleg Chinese shit anyway because it's a lot funnier. People are like, there's no way you have that. It's like, no, it's because it's not real asshole. It's so funny because first of all They're they're attacking Everyone I hate like the people going around with luxury handbags and shit They're all just obnoxious being loud in non-loud areas gold-digging

attention-seeking speakerphone Americans whores, you know, it's like I If all of them were just if everyone who had a luxury bag was just disappeared I would be thrilled. I woke up. Oh wow, you mean it turned out that Louis Vuitton made everyone really sick? God, that's Great. Yeah. Totally immune over here So, I don't know what I don't know who they're attacking really but then the comment was All you're paying for I see all you're paying for is the brand and I'm like, yeah, they They all know that yeah, they buy like

phone cases with the brand on them They would buy water they buy water with the brand on it. They'd buy bricks with the brand on it. They'd buy plushies with the brand on it. This is why you guys are Chinese. Because you don't seem to understand that the brand's the only thing that matters. No one gives a shit about a good product. No. Not a single person is cared about. They don't want it to last long they want to get a new one This is why you guys are gonna lose because you're retarded

But keep it up it's funny to me it's hysterical it's like it's one of those things where you're like Now I really don't have to buy any of that shit They're they're like the Billy Mays the Chinese Billy Mays is out there. Yeah. Look at this quality that we got. Well it's like if the hot dog factories came out and were like see it's pig lips and asshole. It's like okay and yeah. Yeah they're like hot dog truth themselves. They're like see it's shitty Chinese stuff that you're actually buying. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Like, I kind of knew that already, but, you know.

Yeah, I mean, that's not, uh, that's not why we're getting it. Yeah. Oh, you're paying for it, it's the brand. Like, yeah. No shit, yeah. They know. I don't want a brand that's in some indecipherable language. Why don't you guys just try to make a good sounding brand then?

Okay, we got it, Kobe! No. No. Try again. There's a billion of you, certainly one of you, could think of a good name. Not a one. Not a one. Isn't that remarkable?

Back to Foxconn you go. Back to the darling board. Uh, yeah here it is. Men's sneaker. Men's sneaker, one dollars. Well honey, I mean, man there's nothing I love is. Men's sneaker. Men's sneaker, $1. Well, honey, I mean, man, there's nothing I love more than a expensive sneaker. Well, you could buy a kilo of sneakers for $1. Sells by kilos, $1.

This packet is a 20 kg, 32 pairs, 40 to 45 size. Men's shoes, triple price in whole Guangzhou. Here is a ready package. Here is a ready package. We are loading to the Pakistan. If you're looking for the men's slippers, you can come to our factory to visit. We are ready factory owners waiting for you

in Guangzhou, China. Men's slippers. Yeah, so I'll get a sweet and sour pork. Yeah. Combination fried rice. Why are we getting yelled at? I don't know, they gotta move the product. They're doing like, oh, it's the same one? Oh, shit.

It is like Billy Mays kind of. It is, but they don't understand who they're talking to. Yeah. Like, you're not, people like me are already buying, we're buying New Balance, or actually my parents are buying me new shoes every Christmas. That's how I get shoes. Yeah. Okay?

That's cool. Even a dollar is too expensive. Buy the kilo is too expensive. I don't want to deal with it. I don't give a shit. I'm buying rainbows that last for six years. That's cool. Uh... Okay, what else? Oh, I got Jeff... Metcalf shit...

I got a woman... Oh, that case is getting bizarre as hell. It's not that funny though Houston 911 operator hang on I think the most egregious part about this is that she didn't feel like talking Houston 911 operator arrested after hanging up on more than 800 callers because she didn't feel like talking. Houston 911 operator arrested after hanging up on more than 800 callers because she didn't feel like talking. Is that how she said it? I doubt it. Did they not allow speaker phone in the office baby?

No cell phone. No cell phone. No cell phones. Look at the disdain on her face. She'd hang up on more people if she could. That's so crazy to me. Isn't it? You wouldn't think you could get up

with hanging up on 800-911 calls. Oh, hell no! Oh, hell no! What the fuck? Yeah, I wonder how the transcripts were. Yeah, I would love to listen to these 800 calls. That would be good. A caller described that he had called 911 in Houston

because his wife had collapsed and she had no pulse. Creshanda Williams answered, this is Creshanda, may I help you? Wives passed out. Crenshanda, like Crenshaw. Oh, you're right, Crenshanda, sorry. Crenshanda, is this real? Crenshanda, may I help you?

Wife passed out, I need an ambulance. And Crenshonda, sorry. Krenshonda, is this real? Krenshonda, may I help you? Wife passed out, I need an ambulance. And Krenshonda said okay and then hung up. He had to call back to get someone else on the line and his wife was rushed to the hospital and survived. An audit shows she hung up on more than 800 callers over five months. That's a lot of hangups. She didn't answer a single,

well, she didn't talk to a single person that in those five months. Yeah's a lot of hang-ups. That she didn't answer a single. Well, she didn't talk to a single person that in those five months. Yeah, she explained that she she simply didn't want to talk at those times. She was sentenced to 10 days in jail. That's it. Come on, man. That's insane. Like record numbers. That's it's funny for such a high number. Yeah, but god damn, that's a lot, it's funny for such a high number. Yeah. But goddamn, that's a lot of- It's a lot of people. That's a lot of fucking people, man.

We gotta open up those jails, man. Start putting people away for this shit. Hang up on her when she calls 911. 800 times. God damn. Bro. That kid, did you see the kid that got stabbed at the track meet? His dad, his dad's doing this weird,

he's teamed up with an organization called Blackmail. Which sounds like something from like the Venture Brothers. Yeah. It's like black guys that blackmail you, I guess. from like the Venture Brothers. Yeah. It's like black guys that blackmail you, I guess. And to, I guess, like, I don't know what, I don't know what else would explain it.

That's. He's doing this weird like, we're all friends tour and he got kicked out of the celebration that they had for buying a new Escalade with all the legal fees that that that the one family got the stabbing the stabbers family the one guy Scott Adams didn't reach man yeah man it's really I mean I'm I think we're all we're hoping he gets stabbed the dad gets stabbed, right?

At the end of this? That would be fitting. Right? I just wanted to say, if he's at the son's funeral, still going on and on about how racism is such a blight on humanity and that we all need to get together and that everyone bring- everyone is just a race hustling piece of shit. If the twin brother just gets up and shanks dad over the dead body of his son, that would be fantastic. Well, it'd be funny if the same guy did it again. You know what? I would donate to his second GoFundMe if he did. I would too. I'd be like, you know what? Here's for a bigger house this time.

Carmelo, if you're out there's for a bigger house this time. Carmelo, if you're out there listening, there's no take backs. You have a chance to be funnier than Kanye. Which is a fact to follow. Yeah, you have a chance to right the wrongs of what you did. Like, fucking. I'm not, you know, I'm not saying I support violence. I'm just saying it would be funny. You could just send one of Yaub's creations back to Jakub.

Send them back to Jakub. You white devil. Send him straight back to hell. To white hell. Although sometimes I wonder, what was the final straw for Jakub to be like, You know what? That's one joke too many about my big ass head. I'm gonna make white people. Like I wonder what that joke is. I don't know the lore of Jakub. Is that what you made? He was made fun of so much for having a big head that his ultimate revenge was to create white people. Like I wonder what that joke is. I don't know the lore of Yakub. Is that what you made? He was made fun of so much for having a big head that his ultimate revenge was to create white people.

Again, which makes me think. It's pretty good. What pisses you off so hard you have to invent white people about it? I can't think of anything so cutting. That'll be rough. Someone must have stabbed his dad. You see that guy that's in the meme where that woman is like, he's studying and he has all his books and then he's rich and she comes back.

That's him. Why don't you put your books in a backpack? Damn, you right. Why don't you put your money in a wallet? Oh, damn, you right again. I like that guy. I didn't know he invented white people. Yeah You learn something every day. Mm-hmm again only because he was made fun of incessantly He got thrown out of their prayer ceremony get this fucking guy. They said get this guy out of our

Prayer and he said he pulled out a fucking that Mm-hmm, then we sent him back to Yakku male's winning. Oh, it's not called black male. It's called black male's winning. It still sounds like black male. All right, whatever. Who cares? Yeah, they're winning. They've already said it. Clearly if you say you're winning you are, right? Black male's winning? Yeah. Party won. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah, I guess he probably would like that. Let's check out this Yaira slop.

Yaira fucking slop. For a laugh. Typos galore. This is the cover of the new Yaira. Says, uh, this, this the end for for one for one of these characters This it yeah, I'm not making it the bonics in comics. It's actually written like this This the end

This the end for one of these characters, but who? Well, first of all, it's whom. Buh. Um, secondly, it's... It's either, this is the end for one of these characters, but whom, or this the end for one these characters. Yes. Be that.

It's like the needs fixed thing, right? When people are like, oh, this just needs fixed. I'm like, does it need to be fixed or what? Yeah. You got to go one way or the other. Yeah. You got like. Don't shorten that and then use all the correct things.

So you can either be completely incorrect so that I know you're. Right. A black guy wrote the first half of the sentence and then he tagged in Carrow Brown or maybe the other way around. It said this to end. This to end. And then she added on... For one of these characters.

Got it. I got it, Eric. But who? It's whom. Usually you don't see on comics and like movie posters and stuff and like movie trailers You technically don't see or you you you you traditionally don't see them referred to as

characters in the ad They don't say the character you love of Indiana Jones who is not real is back for a narrative a Thrilling narrative they say Indiana Jones is back. They treat it like a real man and a real boy damn Yeah Fuck your audience which one of these characters Is gonna not such an artistic approach? Yeah, isn't it too specific stupid this every it's just Rick. Everything's amateur hour fucking amateurs All right, man, and then oh, here's a nice cheesecake shot. Let me see if I can

Pull this up the ripitards are really beating their meats over this juicy. Oh man. It's juicy Oh, yeah, this juicy, oh yeah, this is a cheesecake preview shot from the new Yaira book. You can see her tits look like hamburger buns. It's very sexy. This very sexy lady with hamburger bun tits. Well, I was recently educated on real cheesecake art, and that is not it.

That looks like- What's it missing? Cheesecake art. That guy painted cakes or that guy decorated cakes for a living and then- Who? The cheesecake guy. Oh really?

Yeah and then he started painting women and so- Oh, I didn't know that. Because he would paint the women like cakes, like their hair was supposed to look like frosting and be like- Oh. That's why it's called cheese. Well and then, he was also educated too, the women like cakes like their hair was supposed to look like frosting and be like oh That's why it's called cheese. Well, and then I was also educated too that he would whip the paints into like frosting like textures Uh-huh. Yeah, so that's why that's where that name came from. Yeah, cuz the guy

Was a cheese taste. It was a F slur and a cheesecake and a cake artist as it was told to me I'll tell you why this doesn't look very tasty It does hamburger buns for tits and she is she using bubble beam. What's going on here? Well, they're underwater. Oh so Underwater jail is this a Zelda water temple? What's there an underwater jail and they have big flowing robes underwater I see wood if you were under the sea. Yeah. Because that wouldn't be annoying at all. Yeah.

And then you'll also see here her knee is in the wrong direction. They must be extremely powerful to be doing such quick moves under such immense barometric pressure. She weighs about 900 pounds. It's all in the shoulders here. Look at the waist compared to the shoulders. I love when I love the feel of a woman you get there you can grab their tiny waist and then what I look for in a woman essential V

where her shoulders are about three times the width of her waist. I find that very erotic. Yeah, you know the triangle thing is in. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah. But with the exact same tits. You're right. That's what I find very erotic.

Look at this. What dog shit that people are paying for. Crap. Mm-hmm. Crap out of my ass. Look at this shit Some idiot made this Also, I just want to say shout out to Maz for the education. That guy is the coolest man Oh, did he tell you about that? Yeah. Yeah, he's very smart I just wanted to make sure he got his due credit, because that guy is fucking cool, man. He knows a lot about art. OK. June 21st, crossover.

Cool. Yeah, I covered all that. All right, let's get some comments. I don't know if I don't think I have any. Oh, maybe I do have a present. I'll get it later. Remind me later. I don't know what show it was supposed to be from.

Even funnier. We already played the biggest problem intro, so now it later. Cool. Remind me later. I don't know what show it was supposed to be from so even funnier We already played the biggest problem intro so now it doesn't matter MC maybe I'm a complete idiot, but the saying is now we're cooking with fire not grease not gas not hopes and dreams No You would always You would always there's no saying about cooking with fire because you're always cooking with fire It's like now we're always cooking with fire. It's like, now we're having sex with my penis.

That's not a saying. In before someone's like, well, there's electric stove tops and all that bullshit. You'd be cooking with electricity, except that didn't come, the gas came first. It was a major innovation. You know, the sayings, they come from something. They're- They do.

They mean something. It's not just say what you see. Yeah. It's not just bugs in a computer as a joke. Yeah. I call them flubs. Yeah. Well, no one, that's not a thing.

Not a thing. It's not all about you. It's gas. Get it right. Sound like a god damn, everyone's like biff now. Yeah. You know, screen during a battleship. Now be like, Yeah, I mean, my mom used to say that.

Well, your mom's an idiot. Yeah, fuck your mom. That's what the movie's saying. She sucks. Your mom fucking sucks a dick. She should have sucked you into her stomach, you stupid jerk. You fucking idiot. Buddy Bradley says,

A psychiatrist not knowing about Pavlov's dog. Now that pisses me off That was Maddox's buddy dr. Joe. Oh, yeah, he didn't I was like who said that guy was a psychiatrist I thought he was a cartographer with all the maps in the background Maddox asked him about Pavlov's dog the easiest setup in the world the most famous Psychological experiment animal behavior in the world and he's like, I don't know what happened It probably kill himself. A woman alert you sent that in too buddy? Sent in two? Let's see. Oh okay a woman's oblivious to the consequences of her actions. Nothing. Uhhhh...

Oh no, it's some kinda... No, no, no, it's some kinda drinking and driving thing. I don't care about that. Ah! Ahem. Let me guess, she's an idiot. Data says, Cooking with grease is what's pissing me off. Assholes doubling down on it,

as if it makes any sense at all. The phrase originated as a way to sell gas stoves and denigrate electric stoves. Oh, electric was first. Okay, there's no grease stoves. If you're going to get it wrong, at least say now we're cooking with electricity or something that's equivalent to gas.

Yeah, all right. Cool. A grease stove though is a, God damn. You could never turn it off. Just a permanent grease fire. A tire based fire. Why'd you have to fix your deck? Was it not gay enough for California?

Ha ha ha. It was too good. It was too good. World's okayest shit poster says, Hey Dick, I don't know if anyone sent you this, but you might think it's funny. The video might be worthy of a woman alert. Woman alert. Woman alert.

No, this is SoCal Mayor Rex Paris says he wants to purge the homeless population by giving them all fentanyl. Yeah, I saw this. I didn't watch it. I don't think it's a woman alert though. Let's see here. Did you see this one? No.

I don't think it's a woman alert though. Let's see here. Did you see this one? No. Forward thinking SoCal Mayor wants to purge the homeless population by giving them all the fentanyl they want. Okay. Let's watch and enjoy.

Isn't that just MacArthur Park at this point? I think so. I don't know what the plan would entail. It's already here. And the New York Post doesn't work great Was it blocked? Let the shields down man. Let my people go come on come on here we go What's going on here fellas come on what's going on? Come on here, fellas. Come on.

What's going on? The homeless got ahold of it. Yeah. I put the shields down now, everything's going fucking crazy. Dude. Holy shit. Like, are you fucking serious? The whole fucking thing's bugged out now.

Oh, wow, even- Everything's shutting down. Everything's fucking shutting down. god damn it. We're back Wow That's pisses bro, that's crazy How is this still an issue at this? On this the day of my daughter's wedding come on this the day of fucking did you not upgrade from Windows 7 oh I still am on Windows 7 if I could just have an XP rig that worked ah god damn I bet it's black blaze fucking me mm-hmm okay oh oh I shouldn't click that oh

memory 72% huh then then what the fuck is that what is that get out of here Uh, is it gone now? The tempest subside Oh It's working we're back everybody All right, let me try to find my own link Mayor Fentanyl homeless, you know if there was a mayor fentanyl, I would, I'd probably vote. Dude, he should just openly run as like, homeless Holocaust mayor.

I really think we're at a point where, I think you could win. He's gotta come out like a WWF character. Yeah, and always kind of wink a little bit. He should promote the idea of a killdozer, but for the homeless. Yeah, and that's the joke. That's, yeah. Um...

Oh, is it gonna be a bunch of stupid commenting? Yes, of course. Like always. Close. Ah, well, I wish I was dead. Pfft. Well, what did he say? Fine. I don't want to hear two women talk about it.

What I want to do is give them free fentanyl, he said. That's what I want to do. When asked to repeat what he said, Paris, a Republican, reiterated, repeated, I want to give them all the fentanyl they want. That was not kind, the speaker said. Yeah, bitch, go fuck yourself. You see, you got to have... He needs... Homeless Holocaust needs a woman who was raped by the homeless

to just chime in. He needs her, like, always right there, right? I'm running for mayor of LA I just want to give the homeless people as much fentanyl as they want it's a free country and I want them all to take it in overdose and die and then she goes I was raped by three homeless guys and and I didn't do anything I was raped by them because then they can't like really aggressively, right? That'll do it. That ought to take care of everything.

Well, and you would think, too, the homeless people would be stoked. They mean all the fentanyl we want? Yeah. Cool. Can't we? Can't we just make them a city? Cool, yeah.

In, like, California city? Ship them all out there, and, like, not train cars, but, like, buses. Can't do, I mean, obviously, can't do trains. obviously yeah yeah we should like number ums and yeah Kanye could dress up like Jerry Lewis in that movie that the reason the clown you know he doesn't really that's like not releasable I nutty professor and lead all the he's just like I said he's everyone's like I don't know this kind of something seems off about what's happening here and Kanye just goes I suck my cousin's dick everyone

This is fine. This is totally fine Get the fuck out of here go do the fentanyl fuck you guys are fucking everything up. You're ruining the whole city. Mm-hmm And you just pieces of shit That's the biggest part. Sick of it. It's not the fentanyl that made them pieces of shit. Yeah, you. They were pieces of shit and then found that. So it's like, okay, well.

Ugh, God. We spent 20 years pretending that they're down on their luck. Mm-hmm. All this other crap. That was, hey kids, that was all a lie. Yeah. That our idiot parents told us. They're not good people down on their luck. They're pieces of shit. Uh-huh Okay

No mercy game review hey dick I've played a lot of porn games total playtime is in the hundreds or thousands of hours across dozens of games Oh, no mercy is something of a surprise to me Because I haven't come across it before After playing to the end I'd say it's on the better end for a porn game. Above average graphics, cinematography and writing, but far too few sex scenes. What is this game you're talking about? No Mercy?

Is that that rape game? Yeah. No Mercy game. Oh, okay. So the rape game did not have enough sex scenes. Okay, well that's too bad. Again, I just want to see them pull more games off of Steam. Yeah. So much bad shit on there. You know, I load up the Nintendo shop every once in a while. So much bad shit on there, too. Yeah, and it's like on page one it's like

Hentai Adventures, and I'm like okay first of all I know it's not and the art it looks like shit Yeah, quit putting Android apps on my fucking Steam account. Yeah, what is the deal? Or on the fucking page or whatever the fuck. How come you're not curating it at all? I keep trying to I'm like block this block this because It's not so much. I care about the content I just want a fun fucking game, but it's all just there's so much shovel I feel like there's more shovel wear than ever now what's shovel wear where they just try and shovel it on yeah

Yeah After playing through the end I'd say it's better. It's on the better end for a porn game Above average graphics cinematography and writing but far too few sex scenes Okay, that being said the sex scenes That are in the title are relatively high quality 3.5 3 and a half out of 5 stars. Oh yours truly professional gooner That's relatively high. That's pretty high. You gotta write right back in with the 5 out of 5. Mm-hmm Yeah, good ones are.

Check those out. Melo Moo says, I don't know if this is a woman alert thing or a biggest problem thing, but when women not able to count to change money is a really common thing I ran into when I was on the dating scene. Oh yeah, I bet. 20 bucks, you want to split it? I have no the dating scene. Oh yeah, I bet. 20 bucks, you wanna split it?

I have no idea how much. Here's, I have $3, is that right? No. Can I get another one of these Frappuccino Colada explosions? Well, they're 40 bucks. Do you just want like a vodka tonic maybe? Oh, why is it less?

That's 10. Is that less? Okay. Yeah. Let's order every appetizer they have. Wouldn't that be funny? Let's order every appetizer. Let's just try the whole menu. Tell them bring out the whole ocean.

It's expensive. What's that? I bet this is a common issue people are running into. Yeah, well... They can do math when it comes to their weight! You gained three pounds! What?! Yeah, that's-

That means I weigh this! That's the only math of gravity in it. Yeah, they could pretend that menu is your weight. I don't want a 40 pound drink. Well, you just consumed a 40 pound. Charles Millen says, it's been real dick and supporter since the biggest problem in the universe with Maddox, but your constant weird praise of Islam and antisemitism that is constantly growing is disheartening.

Oh, that's it. Well. Well, mashallah, brother. You see, the thing. Yeah, I really fucking love Islam. You know, ever since we started selling bean pies on the website. It's sounding like bean pies on the website. Huh. Fucking... All this Wacko pop. It's never enough.

Yeah. I have a recurring bit where I pretend to be an imam talking about Pokemon cards. Right. As though that's real. Maybe he thinks that's real and that's actually respectful. Because I'll tell you, Charles, I'll tell you something. Islam doesn't think that's funny. They pretty much don't think anything is funny.

Well, this guy doesn't think anything's funny either. He's taking it all at face value. So I mean, hey, it just validates that you are actually praying seriously during those moments. The genocide's not enough. You have to tell us that we're, that it's fine, that we're doing it.

I can't stop you. I can barely keep my bank accounts, okay? Do all the genocide you want, but I'm not saying it's a good thing. I don't even like the guys you're doing genocide to. But I know- but the thing is, you can't say- you can't just be honest about it. We're killing all these people to take their land. I'm pro that. Great. Wipe them the fuck out. I don't want any of them in... I don't want you to put any of them in America. Great plan.

Fucking go for it. I'll come visit Trump Gaza. I'm there. Well, we're not wiping them out. They're actually human shields. Bullshit. That's bullshit and I know that you'll use that same lying power on me. To fuck with me when I say, don't want to these goddamn refugees here

You're gonna say oh you want just so you're well human you're one of guys using human shields on us, huh? So yeah Shocker no I can see that one coming a mile as soon as the bullshit stars go bullshit Yeah, that will be soon used on me right pretty I've encountered bullshit before might have seen it once or twice I've seen it squirreling around over there, and I know is I know eventually the bullshit's coming at me That's why I hate it so much. Just say you're killing them. I don't give a fuck I Would appreciate that more Yeah, I respect that well the thing is I wish I could kill somebody and take their land too But I can't the thing is is how do people think all the borders got here in the first place?

It surely wasn't we reached some peaceful agreement back in the day, like, you know what? You take this part, you're cool here, it's always been a... These goddamn Aztecs are using human shields. Yeah! All these motherfuckers throughout history have been using human shields on everything! That's literally... We just didn't have social media back then to really be like, wow, we're aware of everything happening in the world all at once, and I think if we weren't we wouldn't give a fuck

Yeah Don't don't I'm not thinking I'm not thinking how I lost my YouTube account. Oh wow. Thanks a lot. Yeah. Yeah, it's really amazing that that happened Must have been something that I did. Yeah. Right? Must be something that me, with all my tremendous power, sitting in my fucking basement all by myself, just sh- can't talk to people anymore, can't stream anymore. Fucking thanks. And this is the thanks I get?

The Islam people are so fucking annoying. Like, oh, I'd love to hear you say that about Islam. Yeah, I've draw Mohammed all the time. I know you're- Vito's been drawing so many good pictures of Mohammed lately, it's been awesome. They're all sitting on this desk just out of line of sight. I don't know what you want. Like, you can make fun of like Christianity and Judaism

because there's like a little bit of nuance to how they lie to themselves, but there's none in Islam. It's just a bunch of warlord, it's just a bunch of retarded horse shit, jumping into space, flying burros, and rape. How are you supposed to make fun of that? I can make fun of the kosher light switch. It's retarded. It's like, yeah, you're tricking God. I can make fun of a fishing line around New York

to convince God that Jews are still inside on Sunday. I can't make fun of a bunch of psychotic 23 year old virgins chopping people's heads off and raping them. It's not really very funny, dude Yeah, there's not really there's not that much to make fun of with Islam. I Will say did we talk about my Judaism alarm clock problem? What's that? Well, cuz you know how on Shabbos you can't do any work, right? Yeah, so

Turning on a light switch considered work interfering with electronics considered work work That's why you know, there's the Shabbos app that keeps your phone always lit up so you can... It's funny. That's funny. But so here's the thing. What if Friday night you forget to disable your alarm clock? Yeah. Then Saturday morning happens. Right.

You just leave your alarm clock on all day? Because you can't interfere with electricity, right? You gotta call someone to come over and do it. Yeah. But just the thought of- Contact them. Well, cause when I was living in North Hollywood, I would see the families come walking around

every Saturday morning and I went, you know what, I bet someone, at least one of them left their alarm clock. That nagging wife is like, we need to get the fuck out of this house. That's when you gotta go like, you gotta go pretend to trip. Yeah.

Like, oh, whoops! Well, see, and that's- I fucked it. I want a real answer to it because I've asked people before that's the real answer that is all fucking bullshit well that's yeah that's why I wanted the you know let's get an experts take on this yeah it's funny yeah you guys doing all this stuff because it's retarded but like I but your your culture is better so I mean I can't really knock it I've never no Jewish person has ever gotten upset because they're missing the big game so you got that going for you

yeah I've never seen that happen hey you guys game on it's like they know better than to look at the TV Yeah, huh? That's so crazy. They're cool. It was the interesting. Oh, yeah, right Oh, when you hear you say, oh, I hear you say no, I don't ever hear you say not about Islam You're never joking about football in Islam. You're right. Yeah It's just the TV is the devil Chris Chris says Chris Peterson says, I keep almost canceling my Patreon.

And then there's an episode like this where Dick is just spitting straight truth. I forgot what I was even saying. Thanks, Chris. Awesome, thanks, Chris. Wild Dengus, can I buy a Simu Ghillie suit for Tinder VR? Yes. Teeny Fats, finally remembered to look up the Maniac comic

and it says under review on Indiegogo. Fuckery, yes, Indiegogo, the Maniac was reported by a weird fucker. There's a lot of weird fuckers in comics. Weirdos, man. Weirdos. This fuck, this real weird fuck reported the maniac so now it's on like fund my comic I think it's not something else. Go support it there.

Fucking weirdo. Fucking weirdos man. David says yo dicko have you seen this Instagram account, particularly this recent post? Oh. Alright, let's see. Meditations for the anxious mind. What was the one you sent that I'm supposed to look at? Particularly this one. In the absence of collective politics, corporate girlies emerged from the rubble.

Lip glossed, loyal to the shareholders and live laugh latte. Capitalism's tendency to absorb social movements means feminism has been HR approved stripped of structural critique and turned into a hashtag with liberation Individualized corporate girlies speak the language of empowerment while muttering Exploitation under their breath so their boomer CEOs won't overhear them and realize they're not actually the receptionists Corporate girlies are at the end stage of optimization, an efficient biohacking productivity machine in kitten heels.

Okay, okay, yeah, that's kind of funny, I guess. Oh, is that, what the? I get it. I think it's a joke. Yeah, he's very clever. Not really a pie in the face kind of. Really got us. Kind of comedy, but takes all kinds.

Patrick Bell says, "'The Dick Show' song submission about H1B. "'Hey Dick, I make comedy songs just to share with friends "'and thought this one that I just cranked out "'might be appropriate for the show. "'Either way, love the show.'" Big sloppy wet kisses for Johnny. Jesus.

We just cranked this out, so. He cranked it out and he's offering me big sloppy wet kisses. I don't know if I like this. Cranked it out. It's just something to crank out, you know? Just if you like it, that's cool. If you don't, fuck you, it's just cranked out.

Amazing. Big deal. Big whoop. You wanna fight about it, that's cool. If you don't, fuck you. It's just cranked out. Amazing. Big deal. Big whoop. You wanna fight about it? Yeah. Video unavailable. AHHHHH! Patrick... I was gonna offer you praise for this too.

Patrick you fucker. You took it down? You fucked me Patrick. You made us look bad man. You wasted everyone's time and got their hopes up and now there's no song. Send us two songs. Fuuuuck. Send us an EP even.

Get your act together. We've had it with the- You pushed out in the email. I just shit this out, no big deal, and then you fucking deleted it. This unfinished art cannot go on. That's an angry scribble for you. It's crazy. I bolded it too. So I make sure to read it. It is bolded. Don't be a pussy, Patrick.

Don't do it. Just put it out there. Send it. Send it. Don't do it. Just put it out there. Send it. Send it. Ha- Hominy says, feel free to use these stories or whatever, leave my name out of it. Whoops, sorry. What makes me a rage is when your intrusive thoughts have found the perfect attack for someone who hasn't done enough to deserve it.

Okay. Sounds like a woman problem. Bit odd. For example, I once found a former female co-worker of mine on a hardcore amateur porn website. See cups at most, but ultra-fit body. Now watching it wasn't hot, kind of felt bad for her. However, just this week, I find that she's actually married to a new coworker of mine. Very good guy, normal presenting, kids and all, very happy, etc.

And yet there's an intrusive thought that's hoping for a fight with him just for the opportunity to come back with, yeah, well, I jacked off to hardcore porn of your wife. This is like a shower argument. It's like, oh, I got one in the chamber. What are you doing? What are you thinking? Bro, you're either down bad or a menace or possibly both. Yeah, that's kind of cool.

One of those two. That's kind of hard though You are one of those two. That's kind of hard though, you know? Just be a full on maniac lunatic, man. Who gives a shit? Second example. And as an impending father, maybe you'd like this. I have a cousin who had a tough growing up, but he was a bit of a piece of shit to me in high school.

But who wasn't at that age? He's a Trumper. And he's expecting his first child with his wife who is straight from Peru. I've never met her so I have nothing against her, but for my cousin I can't help but want to buy gifts on their online registry with MS-13 or Trende Agua listed as the from. Please teach your kid to cover his mouth when he coughs um those are like intrusive thoughts in a way that's like

bad thoughts yeah those are like ah the day ruiner you have, do you have any funny thoughts? Or are they're just like? Diabolism is at an all time high right now. I don't, I say this without judgment,

but you seem like somebody who maybe says the N word when they get drunk. Is that... And you really gotta say it, like one of these guys that... He has to say it. Yeah, when it's karaoke that you pick a song with the N-word on it. Like Tourette's. Yeah.

Like Tourette's for being a huge retard. Something like that. It's a compulsion man He's got to do it. Get it out. Go into the closet and scream Well, he probably does and then he writes emails like this Like walking people through your arguments, so then what I was thinking is I mean you mean, you don't even need to... He's too busy concocting. Yeah, you're concocting some... He's concocting. A whole nother reality.

Stirring up a fucking Warlocks brew over there. That's... You gotta go, man. Uh... Go do something productive. Because pretty soon you won't even be talking about real things that are happening. It'll just be like, What if I worked with someone who... Yeah. They got fired from their last job?

Get into finance and go fuck around out there. Don't. What if someone comes to work and at their last job they were fired for exposing themselves and then they come to work at my work and then I'm in an argument with them in the kitchen and I say, oh yeah, well you showed your penis and none of it's real.

Like that's where this is is you're already half in reality Here and pretty soon you're gonna be a no no reality at all nowhere man. Yeah Yeah, nowhere man. That's a bad spot to be in you know, there's guys that do that You the entire story that they're telling is totally fabricated. You don't want what be nowhere man. What are you talking about? Yeah. Don't be nowhere man. Don't be a nothing master and don't be nowhere man. Jerjer says, hey Dick, a quick FYI, POV means pussy obstructed view. Okay.

Women put POV in video and picture titles to torment you with thoughts of the wonders you might behold. If only the fat bitch in frame would move out of the way. I saw people crying about the Lauren Sanchez taking a picture of herself in space. And they're like, look at this, this women can't take a picture of anything with that.

I'm like, well, you're in space. That's okay. Space is boring. Like on its own. I've seen space. Yeah. Yeah, it's I don't need another pick It's kind of cool that like you're in space like hey check it out I'm in I'm in space with that thing you always see It's more like if they're taking a picture of like a used car that they're trying to sell and like look at this Terrible. Yeah, that's dumb, but space I Think space gets past I think so

Now my question I'm 33 I think space gets a pass. I think so. Now my question. I'm 33, newly unemployed and overweight. Cool. Two and a half years ago, I moved across the country from a small rural town to a big city because I wanted more excitement, new experiences, and to completely shake up what was a boring and predictable life. Wow, I moved to a big city.

So I wanted more excitement. Oh, okay. That's cool. Well, I've mostly enjoyed my time here going to metal shows and traveling around seeing the sights. I found it nearly impossible to make decent friends. You're 33? Um, yeah, that's gonna be tough, bud. Decent, decent people are doing family shit at 33.

There's a small group of people who I know, and one guy who I'll hang out with occasionally, but most people seem completely wrapped up in their own shit or little groups with very little interest in getting to know someone new. Well, you know, you really gotta kind of... It's normal to buckle down in your career at that age. You kinda... I'm kinda... I don't need any new friends. I've had friends. They all follow the same

trajectory ish Well, it gets to a point too where it's like If we're not making money together, what's the point? What's the fucking point? Now? We're literally wasting time. Yeah a Couple times I've stunningly hit it off with someone at a show. A man? And we exchanged numbers. Only for it to never go anywhere when I try to set up a hangout with them.

Oh, he's bending over backwards not to say a date. Not to make it sound homoerotic. Ah, well there's no qualification so far, so I mean... The people I do know are extremely flaky, even with plans that they suggested. Yeah, that's very normal. That's life, man. Shit happens. I don't give a fuck about plans I make. The majority of my companionship since I moved here

has been random girls from dating apps that I fuck for two to eight months until eventually they move on as well. That's another, if you're trying to make friends, that's gonna be another problem. Cause everyone else has got, they're doing dating stuff, they wanna go out and have a relaxing time. They don't wanna be out with you fucking gay bar cruising.

You know? If you're overweight, you should use that as incentive to land the plane on some of these things. Until eventually they move on as well. They move on. Hmm. Not him. This is very difficult because I'm pretty extroverted.

Back home I have a large circle of close friends and I've increasingly had to lean on those friendships to stop myself from becoming lonely and depressed. Well, it's kind of, I mean, that's kind of the way cities are. It depends what city you're in. Cities suck, man. Yeah. They're just awful. Like, unless you are there to work,

you shouldn't be in the city. He said he was from a small town, right? Stay in the small town. If you want, like, a big circle of friends, go home. Only for the sake of, that's people in your area who already have some degree of familiarity. Stability. Yeah, it's just, you know. People in cities come and go.

Because they got to make something happen or else they're out of money. Or unless you find someone in the city who's from your hometown or near a similar small town and you guys can bond over small town shit. You definitely can't be bonding at metal shows. You gotta be working. You gotta be working together. If you're in the city, that's what it's for.

If you're going to a metal show, everyone else is a huge piece of shit there too. So it's like, it's fine, man. This has negatively affected my social confidence as I start to wonder whether there's something wrong with me That's making it so hard to make friends here Do you or Johnny have any advice for making friends at this age in a city where you barely know anyone?

I know it gets harder as you get older But damn I went from very easily being able to make new friends to it seeming almost impossible I like living in the big city, but I'm considering moving home just to get away from the self-interested psychopaths that live here. Whoa, then it comes out right at the end. All right, he did qualify. Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Self-interested psychopaths. All right. Yeah, it's not a fuck, it's not, this isn't the sticks. Listen, Dr. Joe, no one wants to be friends with you You can yeah That shit to do man my honest advice would be either move back home Yeah, just for the sake of you're tormenting yourself by expecting too much from city people Yeah, again city people are there

Everyone's trying to just make it in the city Yeah And unless you live in a high-rise somewhere where you don't see the rest of the city, then you are still a part of the city. Meaning, you have to be part of that machine. I was part of the city today all day. Yeah.

And it's just- There's no friends there, bro. Sunset Boulevard, man. And the only thing, if you want to make friends, either A, make money with people, because I guarantee you want people to call you back, hey man, fucking. I need some money.

Yeah. Let's make some money together, man. Let's figure out some moves. Let's start our own metal band. You gotta have something worthwhile to offer. That's how it works, man. That's how it works. We'll start our own metal bed, you know. You gotta have something worthwhile to offer. That's how it works, man. That's how it works.

In your feelings about like, ah, no one wants to be friends. It's exhausting to live in the city. You don't just wanna hang out and give like time and energy to something that's not making you money. Something down the block can take 15 minutes to get to. It's a lot of effort.

And in a small town where 15 minutes can get you across the whole town and you can see whoever the fuck you want, that becomes a point of, wow, the city sucked, I'm home, here's all these convenient things at hand that I'm familiar with, people are a little more solid. Let's go to Culver's, let's talk about going to Culver's. Let's talk about how we just came back from Culver's.

Yeah. I... You know, it's such a... The only constant is change in a big city, right? Same LA river, different pieces of shit floating past you. It's just, you know... The best way to make friends in the city is to get the fuck out of the city. Yeah.

Cause nobody here. No one cares. No one's looking to care. No one's looking to care. You gotta go, hey, oh yeah, hey, great to be, let's get the hell out of here. Let's go out of the city for a little bit. Then we can go be friends out there

and we'll come back to the city and forget that each other exists. But then when we gotta get out of the city again, we'll go back out and be friends out there. You can't be a person until you leave the city. Yeah. OK. Andrew, spreadsheet rant.

And good luck. Let us know how it goes. Spreadsheet rant. Hey, Dick. Loved your spreadsheet versus blockchain rant this week. I'm an engineering manager in the space industry. And when I work on random proposals, I always deal with MBAs who dodge project planning

and budgeting software in favor of their convoluted spreadsheets. Yeah, they always have some excuse as to why they can't use the right tool for the job, but in my heart I know it's because the purpose-built tools use hard-coded accounting and earned value management definitions and they can't perform their financial fuckery to make things seem more profitable than they really are. I truly wonder how many of our current problems can be traced back to spreadsheet jockeys who have never created anything of value. Anyway, thanks and go fuck yourself, Andrew.

Well, you know, don't get... you can't get rid of the spreadsheet until you understand it completely. Yeah. I hate to tell you that. Because then you're going to be the guy that's like, oh look, I spent $90 million making a sales system. It could have just been a spreadsheet. You could have just been a spreadsheet that takes five minutes to calculate anything you need to do because it's got so much goddamn information and formulas in it.

Steve says, I worked in manufacturing. I honestly can't imagine being more content doing anything else. Oh yeah, I don't know. Something about manufacturing there. That's cool. Yeah, it is cool. I mean, I like the idea of it a lot.

You go, just, you focus on one thing all day, you just lock in and do your shit, and then go home. And then go home. That's the best part is going home, man. Okay, let's do fat washing. I got a bunch of voicemails. Yeah, and then go home. That's the best part is going home, man. Throw the shit behind you. Okay, let's do Fat Wash and then I got a bunch of voicemails. Oh, cool. Fat Wash, today in Fat 2.

June 21st. Be there or die, here is? Be there or die eventually of natural causes. Johnny Rico, fat woman, fat woman visits Europe and is made to feel dehumanized by how human-sized everything is. That's cool. Okay. Well, she had a rough time, I guess.

I can't believe that guy humiliated us with his fucking song. That pisses me off. That pisses me off. Four, okay, she says, four reasons why traveling with public transport in Europe is traumatizing for me as an American plus size woman. That's even bigger than just plus sized. American plus size is even bigger. It's like a difference between a king bed and a California king, right?

Yeah. Wider and taller, in this case. Like a Texas king. Damn. American plus-sized woman. All the seats are extremely narrow. One for each ass cheek, yeah. Extremely, yeah.

No, they're perfectly sized for you. There you go. Sit right there. One butt cheek. Sit your two person ass down. Does this even fit an average sized person? Yes. There is extra space for wheelchair people, which is good, but there are no wider seats for the spherically challenged. How is that not discrimination? Conspirically challenged how is that not discrimination? I would like a wheelchair guy With a boxing glove in his wheelchair. Yeah to just hit a button and

Punch this fat lady right in the stomach like inspector gadget. Yeah. Yeah Right To have the audacity to BADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADERBADER so fucking fat because they have never once in their life even approached hunger. They just sit and consume an abundance of resources versus someone who can't fucking walk. He can't eat new legs, you know? Yeah, just because you eat all the crab legs doesn't mean he gets to eat- Everything in your life is catered to by all of society. They're tripping, companies are tripping over each other to dump more calories down your throat for free for you,

as cheap as they can versus wheelchair man. Who's got a tough life. Who's got a tough life. He's got a tough life! What cracks me up is, now you notice how she's not using her voice. It's not his choice to struggle in the shower. It was your choice to struggle in the shower. He uses an ass wiping wand because he has to. You use it because you can't stop eating.

She's going to eat the ass wiping wand next. But notice how she's using one of those stupid AI voices, because if she used her voice, we would know how fat she was. Uh-huh. Agreed. You would hear the cookings with grease, if you will. Just like the seats, the check-in entries are way too narrow. I feel so dehumanized when people watch me struggle to get through the gates. Also, how does someone with a wheelchair even fit through this?

Oh, now she's concerned about the wheelchair guys. Yeah, first they get more room. Also, how could... These goddamn wheelchair people. Actually, I don't think they could even fit through these turnstiles. Well, they have their own gate. But you don't want to ask to use the big lard-ass gate. Like the wheelchair... The wheelchair people have no problem going,

I'm gonna need the handicap gate, because I have no... I have no control over... You have to go through the cloven hoof gate. Go through the disability gate then! Go knock on the door and say, hey, can I go through the gate? The cow gate that you have, the barn gate. You know, you know, the wheelchair one. Well, that's for wheelchair people.

Well... The disorder and dat order gate. Yeah. Can I go through the drive-through of the subway, please? The platforms can only be reached by steep and very long stairs. False. There are escalators sometimes, but they are always broken. Because of you. Yeah.

Because they had to transport an American elephant. I'm sure the gear mechanism inside probably just all the teeth just ground straight off. Yeah. That's not made with American sensibilities in mind. They don't make a military grade escalator. Albertan escalators. We do this on purpose. There is a huge gap between the platform and the train entrance.

Oh my god. It makes me feel very anxious every time when I step into a train. Well, because she is well aware that that step is gonna break the fuck off one of these days one of these days Alice aluminum is gonna give way aluminum is not that strong she's gonna hit the third rail and it's gonna start smelling like bacon gonna burn for eternity okay remember my body isn't the problem. The system is. Oh, system beating. Can't have it. System eating, it seems like.

The gap is too big. She wouldn't get stuck. Yeah, what's she worried about? Her pinky finger wouldn't even get stuck in that. You could drop a donut in there. You're never gonna get it out. What does she think? Is her phone gonna fall in? God, this video unavailable screen that keeps coming up,

man, that's disappointing. Yorba propaganda, hey Dick, look at all this blatant Yorba propaganda. Is that like a joke? They wouldn't even let someone from Harusa Fulani because they know they have the strongest men and the fattest women. What the fuck are you talking about?

My Nigerian Prince. What's your favorite Nigerian tribal group? Love, Prince, Vetumbe Jiswaldo. Oh, okay. This is My Nigerian Prince. This is, oh, God. This seems to be a bunch of fat black women in Nigeria. They're putting the Nigerian men from different tribes,

pitting them against each other in a contest of who can hoist the TSA employees up on their shoulders, I guess. Does this defeat the starving kids in Africa meme we were growing up with? Yeah, I guess this is what they're doing now. Well, she does look like she's starving for her next 20 peas, but... Oh my God, this guy's dipping this Nigerian prince e-grad Has ducked down real low to pick her up Wow

She's probably 280. I wonder what the What the stats on knee replacement surgery Yeah, just blow out your meniscus. I ran 50,000 miles, but I picked up one American black woman, and that was the end. Blew my kneecaps out straight to the moon. Oh, god. He's going to have a prolapsed colon if he tries any harder.

This poor guy. OK, so his tribe is, are they embarrassed that he couldn't pick this fat bitch up, or are they proud of him? Everyone's assholes are just falling out. Everyone's assholes. Forget the knees, their assholes are getting blown out. Oh, him too. They can't pick this bitch up.

They found her at the airport Goddamn, she's like Godzilla. She's gonna take them. She's gonna take one home Igala now here comes Igala It's the funniest thing in the world Come on Igala. Let's go Pray to the- pray to Christ. Pray to Christ that your asshole doesn't touch the dirt? Uh oh. He's had a malfunction as well.

He's going straight to the med tent. And here comes Yoruba. He looks quite large. He looks the biggest. I think he can do it. This is like when Hulk Hogan body slammed Yokozuna That was a big moment. This is the African version of that. Oh Here he goes. He's hoisting this bitch up. He's got deep. He's getting deep

Clenching his sphincter. Dawson versus B He's got her. Holy shit. He's got her so he wins he can throw her off a cliff into a volcano. Oh He's got her. Holy shit. He's got her. So he wins. He can throw her off a cliff into a volcano. He's collapsed. Wow. Damn. That's what they did with all the food we sent them into Africa. They've been bulking up.

The men have been eating creatine and lifting weights. And the women have been getting fatter than God. Maybe one day I can lift one woman. So Yoruba One, is that his name? Yoruba, that's tremendous. Amazing. He gets to deflower one of her folds as his prize. Christ, what a fucking. as his prize. Christ.

What a fucking... It's just... I mean, it's just like... Totally disgusting. That... What's happening here? I think I'm gonna be sick. You don't know.

patreon.com slash the dick stuff show. See you next Monday. Ready. Tuesday. The Dick Show. See you next Monday. By the maniac, yes, yes. Copy, good, good, good. Okay. Hey, Dave, hey, Johnny. Yo. I'm just afraid that guy who wrote in that email

last week about being in your late 20s and then trying to date a cute 21-year-old girl at work, I was in almost that exact same boat a couple years ago, and I also wrote a very embarrassing advice email. I have a girlfriend now, not the same girl. Life works out like that sometimes. When you're writing an email like that, you really feel like this is totally calm and

rational and I'm explaining myself very well and I'm very cool. And then as soon as Dick reads your email out loud, you realize like, wow, I'm a very deeply embarrassing human being. But listen, the female brain works exclusively on vibes. You can try to be all rational. You can try to bring some like animal kingdom shit. Oh, I must perform a dance. I must show her, I must build a nest so that she knows I'm a worthy provider the female brain operates

exclusively on Vibes within reason obviously don't be fucking retarded shouldn't say that I'm sorry Listen if that's not helpful doesn't want you to fuck her There is almost nothing you could do to change her mind and If she does want to fuck you there is almost nothing you can do to change her mind Yeah, there you fucking sit there Thinking about her for days weeks months Years, you're madly in love with her. You're infatuated

You know you're you're madly in love with her you're infatuated you work up the courage one day to finally ask her out and She says no or you just calm down. You don't think about her too much then one day You have a natural conversation and you say hey, would you like to go out sometime and she still says no Just fucking prepare yourself Most likely she's gonna say no and I get it. you're like a virgin. I was not a virgin. That's stinkin', thinkin'. So that has a layer of complication. You should throw up, no.

I actually, I disagree. All you're doing by thinking about it, as much as you're thinking about it, is making yourself fucking sick. I disagree, because, and I'm gonna tell you, because you don't know, you don't know what's gonna get her going. You could very easily be the guy that works yourself up,

asks her, gets rejected, has a big fucking meltdown, starts crying and begging for pussy, and she could say, yes. Don't- That would be the first time. No it wouldn't. No it wouldn't. Women are fucking up and they're fucking weirdos, and perverts, and sick guys constantly. Don't let this guy get in your head. Like you have to be cool and the fawns and like relax to get laid. You don't.

You can be uptight and weird and fucked up and you could have a big meltdown at work and embarrass yourself and you could fucking cry and beg her and she might still fuck you there's no look around there's tons of weirdos getting laid all over the place I'm not saying you have to do all that stuff but if you have no choice and you have to cry and and throw a big fit at work and get fired it might still work that you don't know you don't. You know, I'm largely inclined to agree with this caller, because that's for as long as this boy's male was. Yes. I'm like, damn.

I sat and listened to it, because I'm like, wow, this guy might actually be able to save this other guy. Yeah, but sometimes you don't need to. Right. And then as you're describing it, I'm like, wait a second. This guy needs to crash the fuck out. Because you meet girls all the time, and you're like, that's your boyfriend. Yes fucking sucks You gotta go what the hell's going on here. You gotta go hard

It doesn't matter do whatever you want stick your dome in the deep fryer even just go like you What happened to chivalry man? Are you aren't you gonna profess your love and show her how much she means to you or not? Are you gonna shack down or what? Go totally nuts. Nothing matters. Just, yeah, go crazy with it. Also, email back in and let us know how it goes.

Yeah, let me know how it works. Whether you crash the fuck out and go, whether you become the cool guy and crash out or you become the nothing ever happens guy and be cool about it. either way, let us know. It doesn't matter either way, because either way, either way you end up in a relationship, which is a nightmare, so.

Nightmare, nightmare, yeah. It doesn't fucking matter how it goes. Hey, yeah, jokes on you ultimately anyway. Yeah, doesn't matter. I would give 10 years off of my life to never hear any version of the phrase, are you all right ever again? Here's my question. Is this a common thing?

Because it feels like it happens a lot. I don't know. I don't know anybody else's experience. I want dick. I want your feedback. Do I just have resting bitch face or something? I'll be sitting there thinking well glad to be here I like these people. This is a good time and people like are you okay? Like what the fuck?

Yeah, they just want you to entertain them like a fucking slot machine. Hey, will you say will you fucking do something? Are you good? Yeah, you good do something funny here. Being so quiet and brooding over there. Yeah. I'm just over here chilling, having a good time, because you're not adding anything to the conversation. What if he's not chilling and just sitting over there, like, with a hot screwdriver doing some weird shit, man? It's... Clearly you're fucking something up. You're doing something weird.

I don't ask people if they're alright just like for no reason It's usually because someone like dog. Are you alright like you alright? What's going on? Yeah, what's going on over there? What are you doing over? I know when someone asks me if I'm alright. I'm probably fucking something up too. So it's like Quit fucking up. What are you alright? I don't really believe you. This sounds like a guy who isn't alright someone sent this in. Shit, do I not have their... Do I not have their thing? Uh...

I don't know what show it was supposed to be for. I think it's this show. National Bobblehead Hall of Fame. Cool. Um... There's no... person, though. From Guam. Who all thinks, whoever sent it, it is a bicycler.

What a piece of shit. Oh, he's got a little head here. Alright. Kinda looks like Maddox. It's from the Bobblehead Hall of Fame museum. Do we put a little bit of like yellow highlighter on it for the jaundice effect? Should we make it look like Maddox? Yeah. Can we?

This guy looks way too happy. Maybe we should have- This guy has a car. He's choosing to ride a bike. Yeah. Well, he's wearing exercise shorts. He's- yeah, it's an active choice. I was gonna say, should we have Vito paint him? Uh... Possibly his face? Maybe your dad can help get the process started? Maybe my dad can paint this. Maddox has a little pointier of a head I think too. We got sandpaper. We got a file somewhere

in the garage right? Thanks. Looks like we have Vito's booty this week. 50 bucks everybody. Get it in there. I didn't want to smash it. I was like ah ah, I don't think it's Vito's booty. But maybe if it is, tell me. Correct me please. Okay. Fucking dick. Hey Johnny. Hey. Fucking dick. I can't listen to Chop Suey anymore without hearing Eric July screaming Don't fuck yourself Yeah, that's do we listen to any other of Eric July's songs I Heard his diss track Riley sent it to me and man that was rough Eric July has a diss track Yeah, he was trying to this um other terrible rapper Talib Kweli

Man anyone have an Eric July singing some other terrible rapper, Taleb Kweli. And man. Does anyone have an Eric July singing track? I'll ask them, see if anybody has it. The consortium will answer. God, that was bad. That's fucking bad. Hey, Dick, I got a rage for you, bud. So you know when you're giving somebody a ride in your car?

Yeah. And then they bring a coffee cup or some Powerade, put on your cupholder, and then just leave it there? You gotta deal with that later that's not cool man monster smell yeah getting in your car why'd you leave this in my a monster smell or the smell of a monster either one I get it out okay or when people leave with shit from your car. I don't like that either.

What is that? What are you talking about? I fucking went to go find my air freshener the other day, right? Fucking one of the homies stole it. As a joke. He stole your air freshener? As a joke? It's a little hand waving one.

Well, it's a middle finger one, but it was a middle finger one. What's the joke? I wanted that, I'm taking it I guess stole all your paper towels as a joke It's like it was it didn't even smell it's it's just there for decoration now. It's like a fucker. I know No additions or subtractions from my car unless it's me. Yeah, just leave it alone just leave that shit Yo, what pisses me off is from my car unless it's me. Yeah, just leave it alone. Just leave that shit alone. Hey, Dick. Hey, Johnny. Yo. What pisses me off is the police departments using the term

in the line of duty real loosely. Oh, here we go. So there's a lady cop in my town that flowed into the back of a semi because she was driving without paying attention. She died instantly and They said she died in the line of duty. Oh Come on. Yeah, thanks so much. Maybe she died in a line of duty poop mm-hmm gotta make it a

Hey, they really They really stretch that line of duty shit. She was sitting behind her desk when she died of a heart attack. Yeah, they did that with all the January 6 guys, cops dying of heart attacks and shit. Like, what are you talking about? OK, here we go.

Eric July Freestyles to Mask Off. Freestyles, all right. Let's hear it. Oof. I think I've heard enough freestyles for 15 lifetimes. Ha ha ha ha ha! Goddamn Eminem making this shit popular. Just, you know... No more freestyles. No more paystyles even. I don't want any...

No more... Get your styles out of here. Okay let's hear it. This is from Backwards. The mic pointing above his mouth at his eyes. If this be what I'm gonna do, step away I will punish you, bro What you wanna do, I am the one who don't honor dude Each and every single one of you know that I run it too You can clone a hundred-year-old Voice is too low

Yeah, I can barely hear it Like cello on the underworld, you just eat me like a corner fool We know, homosexual, wrong, but we're on you a sucker You gonna perish, gotta gun a carrot Cause I got a hater everywhere And I act the one to bury, I'll forever cherish every breath of life So I bite the mic like I'm gonna tear it And the son of Eric will be taken care of by

Enemy means freaking necessary, bro Any man, any mind, any mo' I go and pick any- I'm gonna tear it in the sun up here. We'll be taking care of Sorry any mini money mo Don't monkey around with my dough you hear that one And prime time is the grind time, and I'm times out of nine times, and my mind is a five-five, so I feel like I'm on fire. But dumb dumb, you know something, act like you're more than fun. And I'm running, running, running, running, running, running, running, running, running, off wearing pom poms. We are not even, shouldn't even be breathing near me, because you ain't seasoned. You still teething.

Immediately, I'm defeating the opposition, you chill leading. Really, that's simple. You should get it through your temple. This is really fundamental. Losing my temper, not an option. I'm the center of attention, because I'm the Pinnacle. Ain't you just pitiful? I'm going an option. I'm gonna send a rub attention cuz of the pinnacle when you just beautiful I'm gonna eat up to my penis roll call the front page of the center for five minutes even to my penis real His freestyle that he's reading off of his screen

Yeah Wait, it's freestyle with an echoing chorus? Yeah. Is that normal? I belong in a madhouse. That's accurate. I do chores. Yeah. garbage when I take the trash out that's not your task now so I do chores yeah

make me lash out and pull the pad out we back stay relentless and attack never cut your slack never relax on the edge like a defensive end getting a sack but I'm like that like a defensive end getting a sack are these normal like rap lyrics they seem kind of cheesy to me I don't listen to a lot of rap but this is defensive ends getting sacks and taking the trash out after sitting in a lot of a and our sessions and stuff yeah that's where the label will go cool give you a call back and then the second that door closes behind you they delete your shit I'm in tech, better runnin' this pack. You wiggity-whack, hard to see that you fraudulent.

You're wiggity-whack. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Come on. Facing like Harvey Dent, that line is just a part of it. And that hot side is a bunch of crits.

Two-face? So I tried to build an audience based on anything but the art of it. I'm sorry, kids, but these artists tend to be faking hard on me. Does he have his last name spelled out in comics? Like, is that? I see L-Y. Does it say J? Where? Behind him. Where? Oh my god, Johnny. Spelled out in comics like is that I see ly doesn't say chair behind it where oh My god, Johnny no

He does See the ly clearer in those shots. Oh, he spelt out his name with cutout comic book covers Don't you do that with like little kids? I? Mean he like you put their name okay. Yeah white women will just usually use like the first letter of their name, set up somewhere from... In case anyone forgets, yeah. ...world goods or... Homeworld.

Homeworld goods. Come on down to cost goods. And this is my letter of my... This is the first letter of my name. And I got it at Whole Foods Cost Goods World. It's so that you just know that it's me and it's my space. You know what pisses me off, Dick? They call the place Cost Plus.

And women have the audacity to go, why is this place so expensive? What do you mean it's in the name? So Eric's got... Did he cut those out himself? Or did he think his wife made like, I just made you your name for your rap videos. Did his mom make it? He'll pay a price if you want to fight Don't go down by the clay and don't go down by the bay and eat some clay. I just may yeah say

To the casual observer they might go oh cool He's like up there rapping and then he said we're not even you couldn't even need to write to proceed to be in life I'm a fan right I'ma still be the highest deal we don't mind cuz I'll be what he is Supposed to go but oh Good you have so many lyrics wait. Let me see that. Oh that is his last name. Do you see row? This What is his last name? Do you see? Bro. That's this. So his freestyle was so boring that I started looking at the background and then I realized.

Bro, he has his name. Just his last name, unless Eric is magically above. This looks like a little kid's room with pictures of old comic books on the wall and then comic book covers and pages cut out like wrapping paper Spelling your name in that font that they use for little kids rooms like varsity font No, maybe the slime duvet cover isn't so embarrassing You've seen my room I've seen your room it's like an adult man

You've seen my room. I've seen your room. It's like an adult man lives there. It looks like an adult lives in this whole house. Yeah, isn't that crazy? Barring- Vito is a big problem with a- Barring this room, which is fan art and a dildo on the wall, but you know, it's like-

All right, that's cool, Eric. Oh, the last one is the most cringe? Okay, let's listen to this one then. Grindstone. Grindstone, thanks. Who are you James thank you okay this last one and then we're done wait is this a cover I need a cover cuz he really tries to No, do you have any oh this young RIPA do you have any covers James?

You have any covers? Those are the funniest Yeah, cuz he tries really hard in those yeah He's not really very good at Singing them I was gonna say anything, but yeah, singing them also counts. Yeah... Alright, I'll give him a... Let me give him a minute.

Do do do do! Do do do do! Do do do! Man, you know, after spending all day behind the console, hearing a mix that bad is like, really? Here we go! Faint! It's a cover! Oh! Linkin Park cover!

Oh, hang on. Here we go. The computer just shit itself, but I think it's still recording. Did it? Wait. I've got the spinning ball of death. Okay. But we're still passing audio, so... I'm gonna load up the actual one.

Is it still spinning? yeah, I don't like Oh, okay, it's moving now, it's moving okay, okay, so this is what it's supposed to sound like Okay, Lincoln Park. That sounds like Lincoln Park, right? That sounds like what you would expect a correctly. Let's hear Eric's. They're back again with the Casio keyboard with the speaker built in. Not even strumming correctly. Let me see that again.

Okay. Yeah. Can a real guitar player play the real strums he's doing over the top? Totally off. Not anywhere near the beat. It's all for show. No go. I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard, handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars. Singing over the studio version again. away and pretend that I'm not but I'll be here because you're all that I got I can't face what I've said before Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored Time won't change the damage anymore

Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident because you don't understand it These are very personal songs to him. It's always a really personal song, but I never had a doubt. It's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you for once just to hear me out. So I let go. What is this?

Always face away and pretend that I'm not pretending like he wrote the lyrics in the song, just pretending like he's gay. Singing the delay throw. Doing like a silly voice. That's what it sounds like when I make fun of Linkin 82. Yeah. Why is he two-hand him? I don't know. Somebody's the neighbor's apartment.

You say no. The way I did before, don't turn your back on me. I won't be ignored. I can't stand the way I did before. Is he doing an impression of a white guy? That's what I...it's... Yeah! I WANT TO BE INGNORED!

Is it a cover or like an impression? I WANT TO BE INGNORED! It's just...he's two-handing the mic way too much. I'm a being man! This had to have been the gayest thing that's ever happened on this show is watching that. Hello my darling YouTube fam. And this lady. Fuck off. Alright, thanks everybody.