The Dick Show - Episode 459 - Dick on Time is a Fat Circle

Episode Date: April 28, 2025

Tickets for Road Rage/WATP Boston are up at live.dick.show, my deck is "finished" and I have questions, the speed of technology vs. fat incompetence, murrlogic calls in, ex-girlfriend advice for a young man who is about to make a big mistake, a 5/5 porno game, and Hackamania drama; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Ah, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. It's very clean in here. It is very clean. It looks nice. We noticed there was no sex doll in here anymore. Yeah. From the clip of Maddie playing around. Yeah, I cleaned it up a little bit.

It looks great, man. That sex doll's rough, man. That sex doll. It's more Terminator than sex doll now. Can you see the pipe cleaners for the fingers, finally? Those were the first to come out. That's rough, man. That's Sextal. It's more Terminator than Sextal now. That's the... Can you see the pipe cleaners for the fingers, finally? Those were the first to come out. Oh!

You know? The, uh... It's not robotic enough. If it was like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you know, when he removes his hand and it's like a Robofist. Yes. If that's what the Sextal was underneath it. I think it would still be Like erotic with just the tits. Yeah, but it's too much It's too much

Coat hanger. Yeah wire little artsy. Yeah. Yeah, it's a little arts and craftsy It's too much the dry cleaning coat hanger wire. This isn't a Fuck toy. Yeah, it's dust-free upgrade fuck toy. It's not robotic enough. There we go, there we go. If it was like, if it was like, Oh shit, I wasn't recording that. All right.

And that's going too. Wow. Things are working. And that's going too. Whew. Ah, you got a big smirk on your face. Why might that be? You know, it's so crazy.

I was, I just went to go- To do any kind of crashing out that's been happening or anything like that? I have no idea about any of that. I just was at work all week and then, you know, I hope nothing... I hope nothing went sideways in my absence. I had a fucking... I had a great week. I had a great week, yeah. I honestly... nothing could... almost nothing could get me down. Nothing, you know, nothing could get me down.

Actually, I'm having a great... I'm on shows, PKA. I always have a wonderful time on PKA, but it takes four hours to do an episode of PKA, so... I don't often get to do it because it means that... It's like, I don't, it's like my wife works until PKA starts and then it's four hours and then it's basically her bedtime. Right. Oh it's like, alright I'm doing PKA, I'll see you on Friday, on Wednesday morning. So Wednesday morning,

right? So what happened Wednesday after? I can tell you're itching. Itching? I can tell you're steaming to get into your fiending for the Breakdown built up man. I just What happened man? We'll get to it cool. Yeah big we got a big Bell so pka always a always a good time like i said takes four hours but i'm always it's always just it's great to be there because all these guys in there these guys in their liberal bullshit you know woody and his liberal

bullshit i love to you know go back and forth and rough house with woody with his liberal bullshit and he's even even the other guys kyle and taylor they're talking about Constitution this, rights this, what the fuck? Who cares? Who gives a shit? Who's on next now? Babies, when we're deporting babies with cancer, that's how I know we're the petals to the

metal. Yes. Alright? We might hit a couple of cones on the way, but those babies shouldn't have got the cancer if they didn't want to get... Here's how you know if you if you deport somebody if you deported Me I could get back easy. I could make probably convince somebody to make a phone call. I could get back No problem. You know so it's working. It's working

It's not happening to me. So the system is working. That's how you know. That's how you know. It's working That's the best gauge it hasn't been working in so long that people forgot what it's like when it's working. Some things get fucked up. That means it's working. That means it's working. We still drive around. Sometimes people get in car accidents, but no one's like, well, we gotta shut down

all these cars, are they? Break a few eggs to make an omelet, you know? Doctors kill people. You know, they're thinking about the weekend, just like you and me, but we don't say, hey, we're not doing any more cancer surgeries, because these doctors are killing hundreds of thousands of people. Well, if you think about it, all those cancerous babies are driving up our premiums anyway. Anyway, exactly. They probably have better cancer care in El Salvador anyway. Isn't that, you know, in Venezuela, wherever they're sending them. I think if you are a citizen and have cancer,

you should get deported. Get out of here. Just, no. Get out of here, man. Sad as I get cancer immediately after this show now. PKA, that was great. I was on that little, this little piggy, which is a show about Aaron Imholt, I think, that-

It wasn't you riding Fido around? Rick Riquetta's former lover. With Patrick Melton and Carl. I think that uh... It wasn't you writing Fido around? Rick Riquetta's former lover. Um... With Patrick Melton and Carl. And you survived? And another guy. Uh, it was great! I'm hooked! I'm hooked on the Toe stuff now.

I don't know, I can't explain why. There's nothing else really going on right now. You gotta watch something. I'm so jealous of these guys with their Aaron Imhold stuff because all my, all my enemies, they end up quitting. I don't know what it is. Maybe I play too hard, but all my enemies just stop. They go, they become family men with no families or cars or Maddox, you know, is retired. It is in a state of semi retirement and permanent retarded mint.

Yeah. Um, Eric July stopped streaming completely. I thought I finally got one! This guy, I could, this guy will last for a- Stop. I quit streaming. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna, I choose to live my life as a comic man. God damn it. Yeah. I gotta go, I gotta, I broke all my toys! Everyone's moving out to the countryside to live a life as a comic man. God damn it. Yeah. I gotta go. I gotta play. I broke all my toys! Everyone's moving out to the countryside to live a life in silence now. Yeah. Why is that?

I gotta send a guy from Rambo out there. Hey, you gotta come back. Dick needs you to get on the internet and say something. You like money, don't you? Get back. Get back in the saddle. I wish I could pay them. Just get online and say some sayings. You know? Tell me, like, say all the sayings you know. They could be paying themselves,

but no one wants to monetize the haters anymore. Ah, not anymore. I got a lot of hate. You would think I would be a primo source. Yeah. Like infinite hatred. I'm the baby. You would think, right?

Monetize the hate, come on. I got it. I got it going. I got it coming for days. I got hate coming I got it going. I got it coming for days I got hate coming out of my ears and the Dean Domino of being hated man the Dean Domino of being hated And then I did a WATP Crossover event how'd that go?

Johnny we looked at some of the fattest women you've ever, you didn't even know that women could get this fat. Doing a podcast, talking about their anxieties, all incorrect things that they're anxious. All their maladies, yeah. All their maladies, all the concerns they have about life, which are just wildly wrong. They are all concerned about the wrong thing, which should only be their enormous weight and fatness

You know, but they're worried about things like their their dating life, which it seems like that should be illegal I think for a woman to be yeah, you know subjecting a man because men are desperate They're thinking with their dicks and then they and then they you know, they get get it in and they get they fuck something You know, I don't know what they got it in. It was something warm and wet, right? It could either be the sandwich that was lost under a fold, covered in maggots. Oh, oh no.

I've heard ER stories like this. Oh God, oh they're great. They have the best stories. They do. And their stories are getting better because people are getting fatter and more fucked up. Like the more fentanyl that comes across the border, the more doctors now are like, they're not,

it's not fun anymore. When they tell stories now, it's like, were you in Vietnam? I'm like, no, I was in Portland. Yeah. It's like being a plague doctor all over again. Yeah. It's just like, well, if I put like some herbs in my mask to kind of hide the smell a little bit. I have some garlic and cheddar potato chips

that I bring into the waiting room. Wore off all the demons. So the women are more receptive to my medical advice, telling them to stop eating. Huh? Huh? It's like the aroma of, huh? Cheddar, onions, what is that, doctor?

You need to lose weight. Your knees, your knees are just deteriorating. They're not gonna last another six months. Oh, whatever you say, doctor, what is that smell? Well, there's something to be said about like- Like a vampire with blood, you know? The more you weigh, the more like, I guess, directly proportionate you are

to being delusional as fuck. It's like, oh, it's my dating life that's bad. It's like, no, it's your meniscus in your heart. It's your heart. How did your date go? Oh, it went okay. Or it didn't go that well. Is that because your heart's about to explode?

It's like, no, because the industrial chair I was sitting on, the legs were bowing. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah The movie theater only had one couch So we had to sit separately sit on the floor and even that was sagging I had to sit on the floor. I had to sit in the aisle because the chairs were fat phobic How was that other than that how was the play m. Link? Yeah, how'd your date go? Well, I had to sit on the floor because of the fat phobia of the chairs.

Twelve firefighters had to come. And then there was a fire alarm, so everyone ran. I got trampled. And someone said, who left their- who brought their beanbag to the movie? And so that sucked. The thing is, I'm starting to realize too, well, not starting to, I guess I've always realized, but it's become more apparent. Even if these people were skinny, they would still be just as shitty of people.

Yeah. That's like, the fanness is only- It's delusional. And they want to control other people at all the time to control their reactions to like their morbidly unhealthy lifestyle. It's so crazy that we've... that we've... like the...

morbid obesity has started in my lifetime and like we've kind of now talked it out completely and figured out everything about it and it just still gets worse. Like, wow! So the talking didn't help. Figuring it out didn't actually help. It's just gotten better. They're just better at it. Yeah.

Now they have just cards. I know all that shit, don't talk to me about it. That's the W-A-T-P crossover that's at patreon.com slash The Dick Show and big, big news. We have a live show, big live show crossover in Boston. June 21st, go to live.dick.show, it's at a winery. So I want khakis, I want pink polo shirts, I want deck shoes, leather moccasins,

I want real classy 80s Trump shit. Yacht rock. Yeah, bring out your Steely Dan tapes. Yeah, I want 80s yacht rock. And I want to ask you if you would like to come to the live show, Johnny. Well, now I have to. You have to.

I have to. You have to. I have to. Let's see if we can make it work to get you there. They're a lot of fun. I think you'll really enjoy it. Oh shit, I gotta do this. So go to live.dick.show. Live.dick.show. Buy tickets. And if you notice that the tickets are too cheap,

you know, because they are, blame Carl. If you are feeling guilty that the tickets are so cheap and that you're taking advantage of us for the cheap ticket prices, blame Carl. It's his fault. I argued to make them higher, but... Look, he's a marketing guy, not a business guy. Big difference. And I'd love to see all of you, you know, I'm having my my son is arriving. Very soon after that show. I probably shouldn't even be going honestly, so it'll be the last

It'll be the last show without a baby. Let the games begin. Let the games begin Wait, when am I supposed to yell? Yeah. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee You want Dick, you need Dick. You love Dick. You got it. You got it. Wait, you want Dick, you love Dick, you need Dick. You got it. It's a show where everything's a contest coming alive from Mountain Bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure. I'm your host, Dick Masterson, aka the 20 million million man joining me as always is Johnny the Audio Engineer. Thanks for having me back, Dick. Hey man, how you doing? Good, man. Thanks for having me back.

So I have a week in Hollywood. Thanks for not fake canceling to do the show with me today. That's good going around. Yeah, you know, I figured once is enough, you know. Once this week already. Once this week is enough. Yeah. It's crazy how I can be having such a great week and then, you know, having's just enough once this week already once this week is enough. Yeah, it's crazy

How I can be having such a great week and then you know is having such a lousy week It's because you were having a great week. I'm sucking it out of everybody like a Like an alien a symbiote. I see somebody I just pull out all the good week from them Here's something amazing. I got a couple amazing stories that pisses me off. Oh. Oh, God. And Yellow Flash's comic book came out. Yellow Flash has been very discourteous to me.

Oh. You know? And my friends. I have no idea who he is. Yeah, he's some, like, e-celebrity YouTube asshole. Probably why I don't know who he is. He's been an asshole. Calling people, calling women dog fuckers because they're like clipping his channel

and calling Vito a pedophile. It's like, who is this jerk? He released his comic and it, people were thinking it would be a million bucks. Him and Eric July, they have a comic factory where they dump out comics on everybody on retards. He released his comic that I thought would make a million dollars. And it made $50,000.

Ooh! So like I said, really great week! Oh man. I guess you have to start applying for a day job after that right? Yeah looks like you're not gonna be able to quit YouTube-ing. Sorry buddy, better luck next time. I think there was some massive oversight in naming it Rippa's End because it's more like Rippa's End. Yeah, yeah they messed that one up huh. Nobody ran that one by the kids. No one ran that past their spell checker. Boston, the Boston Massacre. That's what they're calling it.

The Boston Massacre. You know what else happened when we were reviewing this show with these fat women is they're complaining about the fat suit in Friends, Monica, when she would wear that fat suit. And they play a clip from Friends where Monica to complain about it and how it's fat phobic and they play the clip and

My first thought is wow what that woman skinny the fat suit of Monica is skinnier than the woman Complaining about it. I'm like, what are you complaining about? Like that is a good that is a good-looking fat. First of all, she's skinnier than you and it's like a hot actress, right? Yeah, this is your best representation like at least someone's willing to take one for the fat team you know Monica's not like grumpy and angry and sitting at home on her webcam crying about fat crying about fat shit All right. They finished my deck. Oh. I noticed the air quotes.

Oh yeah. You know, this thing, the city made me redo my deck. Made someone else advertise on your property. Yeah. Even though it looks like I, they're gonna come out and the city's gotta come out and like rubber stamp it and say like, okay, yeah, it's great.

Like all the people we made you hire who are pros and who all separately said, they're making you redo this, that's crazy. They certify that they've built it to the code that we invented, which always grows every year. Never, you know, there's never like, we never cut the code, so there's less. It's just, we always build on it they got to come out and rubber stamp

so like okay yeah it's it's done it's complete now it's now it's legal and what when they do that they're gonna look around and see every other deck is like exactly what mine used to look like just like a bunch of sticks you know down dig down to the bedrock put cement in there put cement and rebar put it on the thing put some stilts right entire houses yeah entire houses in this area are built like that they have been since the 70s no issues right whatever I'm over it okay it's done my pleasure you know yeah if you happen to see anybody doing a break in or a robbery on your walk back to the car

Just scowl at them. Maybe I don't expect you to do anything about it, but scowl at them at least you could do The guy goes knock knock knock the contractor goes knock knock knock Hey, I said, okay cool. You guys said you'd be done today, right? I can't help but notice the The floor is not on and the handrails are not on. And he says, oh yeah, that's what I came in to ask you is when are they doing the floor and the handrails?

I said, what do you mean they? Who's they? He goes, oh yeah, well, you gotta get your own handrail. I don't like it. What? The ride never ends. What are you talking about? This is Mr. Bones fucking wild ride.

Mr. Masterson's Wild fucking ride. Unfinished fucking deck, yeah. What do you mean? He goes, well, we don't do that. Check the contract. And I'm like, oh, I believe you. I don't think you're making this up for fun. Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean? When's the,

when are they doing? He definitely made it up for fun but it is also in the contract. For fun? Yeah, for fun. Yeah. That's fucking... Okay, well you took it, you took it off though So you know how to take it off just do that in reverse put it back on he goes no We don't do that like well, then how did you take it off? Just go I know I know this much, but just go on the drill There's a little button and push it the other way and then go do all the stuff I'll write it down I'll write down all the steps that you got to do in reverse drill a hole put the thing up there are just so you left

Them connected so they're already pre-met you don't even need to measure anything Just put that one in stretch it out so the little wires are taught drill the hole there So now we don't do that so okay, well I Don't know and he goes I got a recommendation though of a guy Here we fucking go yet again I don't know and he goes I got a recommendation though of a guy I said oh yeah Here we fucking go yet again Okay

You're not investing in a bulldozer anytime soon are you? Bunch of concrete and some aluminum siding. No if I go on a murder rampage Through you know a government building I want them to see my face I don't want I don't want a big machine around me and I trust that the that God will protect me God well if you just show up as a deck inspector I got some doughnuts for all the deck inspectorors! So... Fucking say hello to my Tommy gun, yeah. Is that okay? You got a wreck? You gonna get...shoot, hit me up with that wreck, bro. Send it to my phone.

You know, which you should have done three weeks ago. Because I don't do this every day. In fact, this is the...I'm angry that I had to do this twice. So, you're the one with the expertise. This could have been planned three weeks ago, but I mean that's stupid of me. That's something a project manager would know,

which you are, but don't care. We're in the wrong business. I don't care. Send me the wreck so he goes okay sends me the rack and I said hey so and so Is it on? Yeah, it's on. I said hey Constellier a Miguelito recommended you To put the railing back on my deck that he just finished, you know, wanting to... Is there a chance you could come over and, you know, do that immediately? Like today, like I thought, so I could have a fucking floor. Yeah.

This floor is kind of important on a deck. Otherwise, it's just scaffolding. And he goes, okay. I said, off to a great start. This is exactly what I want. At the 99 yard line, as Carl always makes fun of me for saying, I need to have a talk with Carl about mocking me.

I'm done being mocked. I need to have some respect for myself. Is there a talk of professionalism to be had? Yes, I'm a professional comedian and I demand, I'm in deservement of the respect that I deserve. If Carl doesn't start respecting me, I'm not going to WATP Live. Well, if Carl makes a joke, it's taken seriously. If you make a joke, then it's okay. If anyone harasses me, threatens to hit me with a giant hammer.

Or ruin a certain live event for everybody. Threatens to sneak me a laxative or something. I'm done. I'm done with it. Paints a fake door at the door of the venue and I walk into that door. And then a piano falls on my head I will not or I'll not come in then stand and walk wobbling around like an accordion and my teeth turn into No, it's like Hamas what they did to the babies and it was real They dropped a bunch of pianos on those babies. Did you know that? No. Yeah, I read it online

When they were doing those flying, those flying jalopy things, they were dropping fucking pianos on babies and then the baby's teeth got replaced with piano keys. Man. Can you believe that? Do you support terrorism? That's a good way to get rid of all those shitty upright pianos. Yeah. God.

Gazette, they really went all in on piano making. That's... They wanted to beat the Jews at their own game of... Right. Like Steinway and Sons, like, ah, I'll get... I don't even know if Steinway's Jewish company. It's, you know... Probably not.

You can only imagine. We're gonna get them, we're making pianos now, but all their pianos were shitty, because they're too stupid to do math. Yeah. So they didn't really know how any of it worked Maybe they should have just blocked them Maybe Hamas should have just blocked

Israel maybe if everyone just blocked each other there would be less and ignored it. Yeah Rumble sucks so much I know did you see the rumble CEO is arguing with me on Twitter because I said Rumble shit and then he's like Well, where doesn't it work? I'll I'll get it fixed right away. And I'm like first of all, bro. I'm not your fucking QA secondly there is a Overwhelming flood of complaints about Rumble's not working wherever you go. It sucks So don't pretend like you're doing me a fucking favor when I'm the product, bro

I'm not I'm not on here begging you to fix your own fucking app. All right, I got too upset I'm just like I don't I don't want to get you know one two Bop bop bop. Yeah, that's it. That's the argument bop bop bop. He posted this big thing. I'm like I'm done Not like a hey, I'll take that into consideration. It's a- Show me, oh yeah? Show me where it doesn't work. Go to it right now.

Here, I'm gonna send you a, here, I'll send you a fucking link on my phone. You click on that link and see if it loads the fucking app, dude, and then tell me it doesn't fucking work. Yeah, no shit. That's not, it's totally broken. It's totally fucking broken and it's technology from 2012 and you can't get it to fucking

work. You're not doing blockchain shit. You're not developing some magical new way to serve streaming data. All of it's straight out of the box and you can't get it right. It's either total incompetence or it's a fucking scam or you just took half of a billion dollars and bought out all your friends failing companies Which is what I think you did which is what you probably would just call business, right? It's business doesn't fucking work. God stop don't gaslight me Into thinking that I'm oh, I'm crying. Oh, sorry for shitting on your stupid app. Sorry for shitting on your concept of freedom

Yeah. Oh man. Yeah Sorry for shitting on your concept of freedom. Yeah. Oh man, yeah. Let me s- Bro, let me s- I mean, at least you tried. At least your heart's in the right place, right? That's all that matters.

None of this has to work. It's not like if any of- It's not like if we make one little mistake in all this fighting for freedom shit. Some fucking- Some fat trans idiot, with half their head shaved, is gonna shoot me in the back- Shoot us in the back of the fucking head.

That's the what's at stake here. Don't come crying about shit, oh, but you're being so mean to my app. Well yeah, I mean it's only because if we lose the war in freedom, some champagne socialist is gonna come to my house and hack my head off, bro. That's why. If I come across this Kurt, it's just because I'm worried about getting executed by a bunch of shitheads with art history degrees that they're in 20 billion dollars of debt for. That's all. I'm sorry for getting so upset. I mean, I know you don't

care because you got a billion dollars in stock of a company that doesn't work. I know you don't care because you can just leave, but me and the rest of us guys, we're just kind of like, you know, existing and arguing with people about our unfinished decks and having our work partners cancel everything at the last minute because they're having a case of the Mondays. So it's kind of a different fucking experience. I don't need to argue with you about it on Twitter. I got one, two, one, two, and then done.

One, two, okay. I don't care. Yeah, how come we're not arguing on your app? You're not my wife, so we're not having a- That's reserved for my wife. If you want more than two out of me, we gotta get married. That's- We don't ever If you want more than two out of me, we gotta get married. That's... Yep. We don't ever fight.

My wife and I. Piper up, gay boy, yeah. I'm just joking. I mean, I am. I don't know. This pregnancy has been... It's just been like... Totally easy. I don't know why.

It's because the kid's gonna be a demon. Yeah, I hope so That kid better. I mean he's he's gonna have to be like Popeye come change the world man Come here get over here you Haitians. Ah He's got a risk assault charges. I Want to say bro history doesn't fucking exist. You got a unlearn English history I'm not even gonna allow him to learn English or communicate at all. It's just gonna be vibe and instinct. Like enemy, friend, enemy distinction that he learns.

I won't teach him English so even I can't. You gotta make snap judgments. None of this shit existed yesterday. This is all brand new. You gotta filter out all the shit from what's important and you gotta do it instantly and if you fuck up you're dead Turn him into a wicked f1 racer Look man, I know you don't know what the fuck I'm saying. You would get out there and getting first What was I even talking about the deck the deck?

Yeah, so I said he says okay He said okay. I Guess I'll just wait for a response. I'll wait for him to get done shitting. I don't know why he said okay without, you know, follow up. Just take your time and think about it. So he never responds. I would rather get left on, you know,

just like, okay, cool, he saw it. Awesome. At least he'll get back to me with some sort of insightful. Yeah, with, you know, a plan. The estimate, the sort of, let me see what I'm getting myself into. Yeah yeah, let me see what I'm getting myself into Yeah, I think I think I see what I'm getting myself into um

I the guy cut so the day a day passes guy Foreman comes back and he collects all the Tools and load them they'd collect the porta potty and I'm like hey And then you know then there's that feeling of like the last helicopter out of Hanoi or whatever it is like wait a minute Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I need, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Something is fucked here.

Job's not done. Get your ass back here. Okay, your boy, your hot wreck didn't respond to me. And he's like, oh, okay, I'll follow up with him. I'm like, mm. Okay, I don't wanna be this guy now. Okay, did you do it? Did you do it?

Did you do it? And you gotta come up with a different way to say, did you do it? Every time you say it, you know, cause you don't wanna, you're already in the red. You're already in limbo. Yeah. Of not gonna, is it gonna get done or not?

This asshole is holding you hostage with his supposed wreck. With the floor. So I'm like, hey, did you do it? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna come by tomorrow at noon. And I'm like, tomorrow noon? All right.

I got the, I'm gonna wipe the whole day out. Three hours on either side, right? So noon comes around the next day and I see his little truck pulls up. I think, all right, get ready to open the door. No knock. OK, that's odd. He go peek outside.

Maybe he's working on something, right? Wait a little bit. No knock. All right, go check again. Car's gone. Like, well, that's all right. His little construction truck is gone. And I get a text and it says, hey, a guy guy had an emergency, so we gotta reschedule for Monday.

I'm like, he had an emergency? All day? He had an emergency? He had a three day emergency? What are you talking about? He had a fucking emergency! I don't have a floor! What am I supposed to do? Fucking Bugs Bunny walk out onto it and fall straight to your death. Tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip. Like, ah, you know, like... Fucking bugs bunny walk out onto it and fall straight to your death You know like You got to be like a iron worker from the 1920s and sit on the scaffolding. Yeah, that's what I'm doing with my old tin lunchbox Coffee and a piece of a gu...gobble-gool.

Whatever it is. Wrapped with a string. Haaa... Oh man. What a fucking nightmare. Yeah, what a nightmare indeed. The last 10%. Well, it just goes to show that if you get six of your homies

and all different specialties, and all like pieces of the puzzle, you could make fucking bank. Just need some asshole with a drone to go, actually, you know what, this is out of code. Your roof looks fucked. Everybody's roof probably needs work, right? So if you just flew around and go, your roof isn't up to spec, this, you know.

Yeah. Just start actively fucking people. Just start doing fraud on old people. That's where the money is. New fraud. New fraud, old people. Just started doing fraud on old people. That's where the money is. New fraud. New fraud. Old people. I like that.

De-fraud the fuck out of these boomers. Like they fucked us. Man, they deserve it. They do. Social security's a fucking huge scam. We're not getting any of that goddamn money. Nope. People are retarded.

People are retarded. I always think I'm pretty retarded. People are retarded. I always think I'm pretty retarded. And then I see people. Yeah, and then I read someone talk about social security. I'm like, that's not how it works. It's just, you're just giving them your money right now. Like you pick an old person and just go give them a check. That's how it works.

There's not any kind of like, if it worked like how you think it works, where it's in an account and it's like saving money and shit, it would work. But they made it so it's just a total scam. It doesn't work at all. Yeah, they made it. So of course it's, you know... Idiots like you made it! It's not for us, yeah. Retards like you, who don't know how to do anything, voted for people who know how to speak your language,

and surprise surprise, they're fucking stupid too. And they put together, all of them got together. Not one or two guys who could... All of them together all of them got together not one or two or not one or two guys all of them all of them got together all six thousand of them all them got together and all the dumbest whores that they could hire to run their departments and answer emails they all got together and came up with the with a best solution that they know how which is effectively a solution that made sense to the stupidest among them the bottom bottom quintile. You're familiar with them. They're the group that's ruined the entire world.

The bottom 20% of everybody that we would all just be better off at least booting out of everything, but probably booting into space, but we can't. People forget that when it comes to your money and the government, it's always a one-way street. It's a scam, bro. Always a one-way street. It's a scam, bro. It's always a one-way street.

What are you talking about? It's just total scam. Boomers know it's a scam. Scam their ass right back. That's why they're selling it so hard to us. Yeah. Oh, but no, this is a great thing. No, it's not a great thing. You don't need that. None of you need that fucking money. I know none of you need that money!

Not a one of them. You had 40 years to plan for this shit you didn't save anything shouldn't have bought all those lattes should have went on all we're getting blamed Millennials are getting blamed for buying lattes how many fucking lattes the average 65 year old woman by like 10,000 times more and all the fitness classes all the you know you got to think of all the everything else because they're like well I have money so now I can do more things and it's like I guess I guess maybe the pet rock wasn't worth it did you buy did you happen a grandma did you happen to buy a pet rock was that funny

well now you now you're homeless maybe that wasn't such maybe you think Millennials are spending too much on fucking avocado toast? How are those Elvis seed, uh, vinyls? Oh man. God, that's just insane. You guys are spending too much money. You guys have blown, I've seen everything you went through. Remember the sharper image? Fuck you. Oh.

Give me that, give me that, you're giving, you're giving up that money one way or the other. You're getting an email, with you getting fished out of it, I don't know, fuck you. We gotta relaunch sharper image somehow. The duller image. Fuck you. We gotta relaunch Sharper Image somehow. The duller image. Just a scam. Scam these fuckers. Scammer image. Scam these fucking boomers out of their fucking houses.

Fuck them. We gotta start solar companies is what it comes down to. Oh, I finally caved. Oh, you're getting solar. Yeah, because California energy goes up so much every year. I'm like, man, I don't know. It kind of makes sense. I know you guys are fucking me on this like weird ass loan.

You're not gonna make money back on the... I got that. Yeah. You get paid back, but I don't have any. It's not shit. You're not gonna make nearly enough for... I don't have any faith in that. Yeah, don't because it's not gonna be much.

I do think it'll meet my energy needs. That is a good thing. You're not gonna make anything back on the overage, but what's cool is then in the summer when there's rolling blackouts and shit, she'll be just fucking fine. And we get a lot of those up here. It's like that out in the Inland Empire too.

Some shithead Chinese Uber driver will run into a pole and be like, oh, everybody start eating ice cream.'re you just could sit back and lay in the shade man AC full blast doesn't even fucking matter. Oh Yeah, it's great. I don't know why but I am Maybe it's a guy thing. I just have this real stick up my ass about the electricity bill It's not knowing that I'm getting it like for free now, I'm gonna run that shit. Well that's what's so great about it is if you scale it to what your maximum energy like have the AC on full blast, have all your shit going, figure out what

that number is because you never should have done that. Unless it's summertime you're never really gonna be using everything. Yeah true. Then go a tiny bit over? Dude, big floppy pimp hat, and you just get to sit in the shade. So, my wife's, this is what else pisses me off. We are, our technology is improving, our technology is improving at an okay rate, at a good rate, but our fat stupidity is increasing, I think, at a faster rate, such that the technology is unable

to keep up with our fat stupidity, especially among women. Right. Woody on PKA asked me if I'm ever worried. I showed him the Quran that I ripped in half. Oh yeah. He goes, are you ever worried about like radical Islam's attacking you? And I said no because I hate women more than them. So it would be embarrassing. They would look up to you. Yeah. It would be, it would frankly be blasphemous for them to attack someone who hates women so much. Well, the reason I think if they realized

the only reason you ripped it in half is so you have room to write the second one. I actually found some haram stuff in there, you know? There's no mentions of any Pokemon cards. Why do we know any of Muhammad's wife's names? Even the six year old, why? Yeah. That's very haram. Too honoring of women at that point.

So the fat stupidity is increasing faster than the technology. The doctor, I get a message from my wife saying, hey, can you pick up this prescription? I need these iron pills. And don't go on the internet and Google and Google what happens to babies who don't have enough iron like okay gotcha I've it's like an it's like an enemy Google and this medical shit with anything goes having

a baby's like it's like you know that feeling when a new Xbox is coming out and you're like fiending like oh man It's gonna be fucking I gotta get into these games. I gotta read about yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look at these flaps teraflops Oh, yeah online connectivity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's the controller gonna be like? Oh, that's juicy shit except It's like that feeling and you're reading all that stuff and then it's also but then also every week Sony sends out an email saying like, Hey, your Xbox that you're getting, there might be something wrong with it. And you're like, ah, what do you mean? Can I get another one?

No. The one that's destined for you, the memory might be goofy. No warranties. No take-backs. No warranties. And it's, we're having a problem at the plant. And some of these Xboxes have autism We'll let you know next week if if it's if it's any better You're like okay, and then the next week you get an email you get you know new updates on the system. Oh man Wow, it's gonna be backwards compatible. That's great, and then Sony says you know hey The memory thing turns out that's okay.

You don't have to worry about that anymore, but... Some of them are, uh, yours might be late. And you're like, oh no, mine's not gonna be late? What do you mean? Why? You're like, I don't know. You've been fucking ar- Something you fucked up though. It just happens to some of them, they're late. Okay, let me know next week about the late thing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll let you know next week about the late thing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll let you know next week if the late thing cures up. We don't have enough chips. That's what it feels like. You have a surprising amount of hair that you haven't torn out. You just really gotta, it's like, zen to another.

It's like, all right, I'm just gonna feel like this all week, I don't care. I finally got over the rim scraping the curb thing, but that, oh man. I don't give a fuck about no rims anymore. That's kind of, that's part of why when Vito's texting me about I'm not doing Hackamania, I'm not doing the show, I'm like, man I got, so I go to the doctor to pick up her iron shit and fat woman Big fat woman rolls up to me on the other side of the counter. I think oh This is gonna be a problem She's like, okay, and you're her husband you're gonna pick it up. Yeah. Well, you know Sure that happens

Here that has sure that happened before I don't know why that's so confusing to she goes. Okay, give me a minute. I don't, uh, she goes over. She goes, I don't, I don't see it. Well, give it another look. Maybe she's using her new last name. You know, give me another. I'm, I'm, this isn't a prank. Yeah. I'm not going to go out of my way to fucking come to a doctor's office as a joke. I'm not trying to steal someone's medicine, right? She's like, oh, okay, okay. So he goes and looks again, she goes, oh, I see it. Like someone looking at a 3D eye poster first time. Oh, I see it.

You mean, oh, I see it. Don't you do this all the time? What are you talking about? Okay, so she's like, oh, wow, okay. And I'm thinking, oh, okay, wow, this must be serious. This is a lot of, a lot of sounds like there's a lot of stuff and she starts, she gets a bag out and I'm like, whoa, something's wrong with my, something's wrong with my

Xbox. Oh no. She gets a bag out, she starts putting stuff in and it takes her, you know, 10 minutes for some reason. I don't know why. We gotta think that's a lot of energy to be expended. That's true. She doesn't want to enter a ketosis state. And start sweating. These fat nurses.

They have engineered their, they have lives, their lifestyles such that they never enter a state of digestion. Right. They just eat Doritos and they walk and do everything so slow. They don't even think. Right. So that they never burn any calories It just sits in their stomach any calories so

She goes okay here it is here's this and here's the needles and I'm like needles what the hell the fuck Here's this this is a monitor for this. And I'm like, oh my God, okay. Thanks, Fatso. Take the bag. I go home and I'm like, okay, honey, I got your thing, cause you needed it right away. You know, the doctor made it seem like you gotta start right away. And the needles, and I start with the needles here.

I asked the, you know, the lady, she gonna know how to use all this? And she goes, well, just call the doctor. I'm like, okay, thanks. I'm like here you go here's all the stuff and she goes what the hell is this like what do you mean what the hell is this that it's your medicine and stuff because this isn't mine this none of this is the shit I need what are you talking about because this this needles and stuff.

This isn't like, well, I mean, I don't know. She goes, oh, here's the problem. This isn't my name at all. It's some totally other woman who has like an insulin pump because she's a big fat slob. Like, oh, well, yeah, I see that that's not your name. I didn't look. I mean, I had just, the only interaction I had

with the fat pharmacist was to give her your name. So I assumed that the name I immediately said would be on the box I'm like, all right, it's you know, you just got home from work. I'll go back. Well, that's a huge fuck-up That's a huge fuck-up as a pharmacy tech like yeah Cuz you have this like everything, everything has to be signed out, like, holy shit. The tech is getting outpaced by the fat and the stupid. The fat and the stupidity is outgrowing, the technology was all right there, you know? Typing... I could have typed the name in, perhaps, it might have been better, but we relied on the fat idiot to do it. So I said, okay, no problem, I'll take it back in.

I'll be right back. I don't want this other fatso to lose her medicine right? Well that's you said you needed or you know you need her medicine and she goes oh clearly you need the fat lady medicine. Yeah. What a bitch. What a bitch. So I go back in drive you know across town, get to the pharmacy, and it's closed. I said, oh, okay, 330, why would it be open at 330? You didn't drive down to the farm, did you? I mean, why would the pharmacy

in the middle of Glendale be open at 330? The only one I could get it at, obviously, for my convenience, not right down the street at CVS. Yeah. So I said, okay, that's cool. Drive back home. I'm like, sorry, you know, looks like they can't fix the Xbox right now. So I get it the next day.

Go back to the pharmacy and I get there and it's an Asian man. I think, oh, thank fucking Christ. Said, hey, buddy, and he goes, don't even say it. I know exactly, I can tell by the look on your face what happened. This fatso gave you the wrong medicine. I'm like, bingo, you got it. Here you go. And he goes, oh yeah, your medicine was denied by healthcare. And I think, ah, Luigi, Luigi, Luigi, Luigi, Luigi, Luigi, Luigi, Luigi, Luigi. Oh man. Oh man. I think, oh man, how, how can any, how can anyone, how can anyone, why is Luigi in jail still?

Unreal. Unreal, why hasn't everyone at the jail just let him out? Why is he in there? How the fuck did you guys get denied? That's what I said, why is it denied? I have PPO and he goes, yeah, they're actually the worst at it. I'm like, oh man.

And the only thing that, because I wasn't that upset about it because I'm just imagining that guy, the CEO burning in hell. Yeah. Like, ah, well. I'm sure he's burning in hell. Okay, that's fine.

Hopefully, you know, the next guy, hopefully they'll trench out a new area of hell. Yeah. So the next healthcare CEO that gets sent there. For a son of Luigi, yeah. Yeah. So the next guy goes, burns even longer and worse excrement. You know?

Maybe India could tap into hell somehow and make it worse. I think that is our portal to hell. Satan, I got bad news. Indians just found out about India just found out about hell. Oh, no! They heard a rumor that's where the filth goes. Satan, I got bad news. Indians just found out, India just found out about hell. Oh no! They heard a rumor, that's where the filth goes. Yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda

Even hell would be, you know, annoyed by sudden influx of 2 million Indians. That's fucked, well, because if you think about the alive population, you must also consider the dead amount too. So really They never say that when they talk about hell do them hell is so of like that's the most compelling case to like worship God Probably yeah, well, you don't want to go to narrow a worse India. Do you um, so I go Back to the doctor and I find the hot Admin let behind the desk because if you go to the fat one, they just get annoyed. If you go to the hot one, the fat ones will like jump in the way.

Something about it. Something about talking to a hot girl. They're like, let me get on her. What are you talking about? What are you talking about her? What are you talking about? What do you need? Is he bothering you?

She goes, oh yeah. Well, I'll send it through again. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, go back. Nice. I say, oh well, the doc, the pharma guy comes in and goes, well, you could just get the, I go back and forth and he goes, well, you could just get like this other kind, the generic kind.

I'm like, well, okay, why don't we try that? Why did you fucking say that sooner? Why is this, why is this everyone's first day today? So I leave and that's when Vito calls me and says he's not doing Hackamania or doing the show or doing the show on Friday He wasn't gonna do the show Friday?

No, and I said that's fine You know, alright, whatever What happened? I mean I- Well It was at that moment You know, all right, whatever. What happened? I mean, I-I- God, well... It was at that moment that he chose to call me again after getting sent to voicemail earlier. I'm not doing

Hackamania, and I'm not doing this. I said, okay, what? I wish he would have left that as a voicemail. We could have played it on the show. Oh, that'd be sexy. You know it's because of, you know, Riley saying, da da da da da. I don't give a shit.

Well, it made it so great. I don't care, bud. I was at work. Take all the time you need. Yeah. Obviously, I'm still doing Hackmania because it's totally fucked to like cancel show on people. Of course.

Who paid to be there. Well, if he didn't go, I'd fill in for him. I mean, I'd have to have, I would have to have like a second person wear a big shirt, like, You could wear a suit. Two per- two people in like a double-wide kind of situation. Yeah. Like a Borg.

And then I find out on Friday, when I was doing Patrick Melton's show, that he is, I get on there and he goes, oh, by the way, Vito is doing hackamania. I said, oh, okay. And he goes, what's, what's the deal? What's happening? And I said, he's in an internet fight, in an argument with another comedian that he's known for years. He goes, oh, it's not. Is there anything that I need to be worried about? And I said, well, somebody, a guy with a cape might come out and hand out comic books. I don't know if that's something that the security

needs to worry them, needs to be worried about. And he goes, okay, whatever, we do the show. And then I get a text and we do our show. Oh, and then I, so I'm pissed now, cause I'm like, all right. Why was I involved? Yeah, right. That's one thing I've learned over the years is handle it first and then present you

with the finished thing. It's like, okay, so that was, so that all turned to just out to be a waste of time. So I was trying to figure out how to get a fill in. I was like, then I thought, well, maybe I don't even need to get a fill in for tonight, right? So I text Vito. I'm like, hey, I see that you're going, I was told you're going to Hackamania after all. Are we doing a show tonight? And he goes, we can do a show. And I'm like, I'm, uh, I'm livid. You got me there. You got me there. You got me there.

We can do a show. Oh, I'm gonna put this down here. I'm gonna drop my phone down a big hole. So it takes me about an hour and a half to get it out Right through your deck floor. I went out to my deck and dropped my phone straight down into the 16 foot caisson Hole that I was forced to dig by the city that Can't even keep the homeless people out from under from lighting the freeway on fire that can't even keep the homeless people out from letting the freeway on fire.

Bang up job, guys. Remember that, they lit the freeway on fire and the city shows up and goes, it's fine. Oh, it's fine? Yeah. So my deck's a problem, but your freeway that's totally engulfed in flames is fine. You have no fucking idea if it's fine.

You just can't shut down the 10. Yeah, yeah. Would they have every inspector in LA County come out to check it? What do you have Superman shop with his x-ray vision to get in there? Oh, yeah all that rebar that was You guys remember September 11th, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Oh, it's falling down whoops Go back into the building remember that shit. I do go back into the building is fine No fucking never son never never they never know what fine. Fucking never. Son, never, never. They never know what they're talking.

Never believe them. Never. Never. Um. So, are we doing the show? We can do a show. Man. That's a lot of, uh.

We did the show. It was fun. Then he walked out. I saved all the shit till the end, you know, because some people don't like it. And I'm like, well, if we do it at the end, they can just turn the show off, whatever. Then I said, well, Patrick Melton assured me that there would be no issues. Like, what does that mean? What's Melton gonna do? He can't save you. What's Melton gonna fucking do?

What do you mean? What is he like the- what is he? Robert De Niro from Casino? What the fuck are you talking about? He assured you there would be no issues. Everybody at Hackamania is a fucking asshole, including you! What the fuck would anyone care about Riley doing anything

or anybody doing anything? So now they're talking about- now someone said they're gonna bring a goose call- a duck call and hand them out and do it every time Vito talks Comedy bit. He's a fucking Mariah Carey of comedy now. He's such a fucking professional So I get a text from Patrick Melton And oh and then Vito goes in a 10-minute Comedy bit about how he's gonna rape Mint And I said that's not you shouldn't be doing this. This is

Well here, I know it's I know it's tempting to make a joke that you're gonna rape someone's wife if you're having a fight with them, but don't From Riley going I'm going to risk an assault charge again very vague very funny It leaves a lot to the imagination I didn't even want to hear about it. He was telling me. I'm like. I don't I don't I don't give a shit I don't care what you guys are fighting about this time I saw you post your comic page, and I saw you arguing with people and I thought this is gonna end badly Well when it did reads what Riley like he said he was gonna risk it

It's like hearing it back is like, this is some of the funniest shit I've ever heard. Like it's so over the top. Cause Riley's funny. It's over the top. It's just so stupid. Yeah. And for that to be the thing that's like,

I'm gonna take this very seriously. I told him to just block him. Block him, leave their clip averse green room thing. They fuck with you in there nonstop. You can't handle it, leave it. You can't handle it. It fucks up stuff you're doing all the time. Canceling shows, what are you doing, man?

That, it was a call, two calls, right? And a cancel, that's like a... He didn't, by the way, he didn't leave that green room and he didn't block anyone, so like, all right, well, here we go, time's a flat circle. Yeah. But Melton, time is a fat circle. That's what I want you to bring to the live show.

Cool. You know what, I'll book a session the day before, so I'm like really just on. Time is a fat circle, indeed. Oh God, I told Murologic to call in. So I'm like really just on time as a fat circle indeed Oh God I told Merologic to call in um fuck let me get I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I hope he's still there so

That's what Vito goes on his ten minute rape bit which I Strongly disavow you can't be look because if you threaten to rape like a man you know it's very outside of the realm of possibility it's extremely difficult but with women you can't you it's very it's it's rough to joke about violence with women because it's too possible you know and they never they never really know you never really know who is the bad guy that's the problem

with male and female relationships is they don't really know who the bad guy is and kind of we're all kind of a little bit bad always but here's my thing we don't make it easy for them to tell it's for veto and they don't make it easy either because they want bad right you have to not too but not too much Just like enough. Yeah, look. I'm a good man But sometimes I make mistakes. Oh, yeah Of the week was I'm a good man Merologic where is he but now for for veto to be so terrified and shaken in his boots as he is Riley

He's gonna go ahead and say all that about his wife like that? I know, that's not a good idea. Buddy, that's like, oh, here's this wasp nest I need to remove, let me spray it a couple times. Why are you bringing her into it at all? She's a different person. Vito's just mad, dude.

He's upset. It's because he realized he can't sleep on his magic cards. Oh is that why? I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh Yeah, Patrick Mellon calls me or texts me Saturday. See even he knows not to call you. And he says I Didn't say that I didn't guarantee shit. I don't know what Vito's talking about I didn't give him any kind of security guarantees or anything. I didn't say that. I didn't guarantee shit. I don't know what Vito's talking about. I didn't give him any kind of security guarantees or anything. I didn't say any of that shit. Is Vito just talking out of both sides of his hat over here? What's going on?

He's like, I didn't say any of that shit. I'm like, yeah, I know, because it's stupid. He goes, I mean, I told him that the casino has security, but... I'm not defending him against cartoon hammers." And I said, yeah, did you see the rape thing? He goes, oh, I saw that. Do you want to do the show by just you? And I said, I assume he was joking. But then he's, you know, I thought about it from his side, or he was talking about it

from his side. He's like, Vito's coming in early on Thursday. He's leaving late. Patrick's paying for all that, the room and stuff, and I mean let's be honest here, our show is probably the lowest draw. This is me adding parts to this, you know, but our biggest problem is almost certainly the lowest draw, the lowest ticket draw for that show, because it's all Dabbleverse guys. Well don't forget, Vito is the talent. Well, that's what, I mean, that's what was so,

I mean, if I was in Patrick's shoes, that's what would be insulting to me. Like, I'm including you in this, I'm paying for the most, I'm paying the most possible to board you for this event, and this is him saying, I don't have time for this shit. I mean, he's like working with dr. Steve to get dr. Steve to show up because dr. Steve has a Graduation to go to so he's shifting time slots like it's everyone is too busy for this shit God and I'm thinking you're like man. These are like, you're poisoning these relationships

by making your internet shit everyone's problem. Yeah. It's, and it's just like, you can watch it. You can see them. You can see these relationships being poisoned and becoming toxic and falling apart. And I'm sitting here going, well, this is, I'm telling you what's happened.

I'm, and I said, I said, hey, Patrick, by the way, if you want to kick him or if he doesn't come, I'm still coming, you know, obviously. Show must go on. Because I don't care about any of this fucking shit. It's totally, just so you're aware, I'm not a fuckhead. And there is no chance of me, like mecatching feelings for this shit or jumping on a grenade

or stopping a bullet for any of this shit. I don't care about, I think all this shit is fucking retarded and that heckling's actually funny. And he goes, I'm totally with you on the disruption shit, I think it makes things funnier. I'm like, everyone, everyone thinks that When Vito and I were at Netflix, fucking up the trans protest for them in front of the whole fucking world. Let me tell you something.

Those trans people at Netflix, they put a lot of work into whatever they were doing that day. They were real professionals that did not wanna be interrupted. And we interrupted the shit out of them it's great because it was funny it's funny because mockery mockery is the cure well like when the niggler showed up to that's funny they're all

over the place funny mockery is the cure mockery is the cure for ego. We're just, all of us, society as a whole, is plagued by out of control ego and pride. And the only real way, you got two ways to stop it. You either kill someone, that'll stop their ego real hard. That'll stop their ego real quick, right? Pop, done. Done.

We're done with that guy's ego. I don't know where else it's- it might go into someone else's, you know Get in their head. It takes over you instead. Yeah, you might make another little couple of Hamases, but that guy is done done for a little while or You make fun of them. Yeah, and the ego pride, dies. A little bit every time. So if you're gonna start from a position of mockery in any way is bad, you have lost the plot. It's the only thing. Mockery is the only thing that's of all the crudest possible. I'm not saying that all of it's funny, you know? It's not always funny, but done well it should be.

Should be. That's the goal, because it can't exist without the other side. The mockery cannot sustain itself. The antibody cannot live without the virus. Just peters out, dissolves, goes away. It's funny if you course correct, the mockery goes away. But you need it. It's way more important.

The mockery's way, way, way more important than the pride. It's the checks, offering the balances. Okay, let me see if Murlogic, I went way too long talking about all this, what pisses me off today. Well man, like I said, I was just happily at work like, oh cool, I can't wait to play with all these expensive microphones today. Were you?

What were you playing with? I had, I was using some M50s, $70,000 for that pair of mics, great sounding room mics, you know, AKG, C12, you know, just every kind of, every mic in the mic locker pretty much. It was amazing. But, you know, so then I feel my phone buzzing all day. I'm like, man, what the fuck? You know, really popular today, right? No, it's not me that's popular.

It was Vito just having a rough day, man. Oh God. Maybe he just, you know what? Vito just grab a Snickers, man. Grab a Snickers. You're not you when you're hungry. Maybe he was just hungry, dude. Part of me feels, I mean, I feel obviously bad

because I'm like, I don't know what this is about, but it's not about someone you know talking about fucking cartoon hammers or whatever. I'm not even gonna pretend, the first time this happened, I was like, oh wow, I'm so concerned, but now I'm like, I'm not pretending that this is real. It's almost an honor for Riley to take the time out of his day to think of something so funny directed at you.

It's like, I wish I'd get those cartoonists to write something funny. Let me see if Murr is here. Okay, oh, there he is. All right, give him a collar roll. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. Okay. You can't be talking about rape so much on a YouTube channel, buddy.

Man, like, did we forget that? All of a sudden? What are you doing? You're gonna lose a fucking channel! And he dropped a hard F slur, too. I was like, boy. Come on, man. Come on, man. Come on. Oh yeah, Hassan Piker got an article written about him

in the New York Times about pump and iron. They're trying to make a left-wing Joe Rogan because they realize that men fucking hate Democrats and liberal shit and were just fucking tired of getting raped and having the country invaded I will never take Hassan piker seriously ever since Sam Hyde scared him after that uh, but no in real life Yeah, I mean, it's like okay like You've done after that

Okay refresh am I in the live chat, maybe I'm not shit live show. Oh there we go whoopsies Yeah, how about this thing son New York Times Sorry Merlogic two Asians got in a car accident right in front of me a Progressive mind in a MAGA body This looks like a prep ad yeah Come on This looks like a prep ad! Yeah. Why is he so... Oh come on! ...emaciated.

Bro... Unreal. A progressive mind and it's strong enough, it's pHed balanced for a huge F slur but... Anytime someone's wearing a beanie like that you're going to hear let's link, let's build, let's connect and it's like... bro, you are so right.

It's all that influencer, like, yo, I just like, you know, I'm a, what's the word? I haven't. Entrepresenters. Yes. Yeah, Justin Wang calls him that. Have you had, talk to your doctor about PrEP. HIV can spring at any time.

Talk to your doctor about getting on prep today. Jesus. Your active lifestyle. Just because you're a gay man doesn't mean that you're active lifestyle. Look, you can play basketball too. All you gotta do is dress like that. Look at his sexy fingers. You see he's pressing his forearms on his knees

to make them appear bigger than they are. That's an old circus trick. Murr. What's up, buddy? How you doing? Forearms on his knees to make them appear bigger than they are that's an old circus trick mer What's up, buddy? How you doing? I? Think you might have to unmute yourself. Oh, I hear something here something I Don't know hear me. Yeah, there you are. How's it going man? You are I was wondering why you guys were late something about a car accident Yeah, the two Asians had gotten in a car accident. It was awesome. The time frame I was spent waiting for Dick to show up,

I rewatched all of Breaking Bad two times in a row. Oh, how was it? Did you really? Yeah. What's your favorite episode? They're both very unprofessional. Yeah. Sorry we're late.

Someone's got to be the pothead sidekick. What's your favorite episode of Breaking Bad? Right now it's The Fly because it reminds me the most of season one. You like The Fly episode, doesn't everyone hate that episode? Yeah, they hate it because they want it to be a serious drama despite the fact how this show's

the best when it's a black comedy. Yeah, I agree. I agree with that. Get behind that, yeah. Do you have any kinks from Breaking Bad? Like your Wonder Bread stuff? Well, not particularly, but I will say this though. Skylar, if she mellowed out a bit, she'd be a great character.

Oh yeah! Isn't that kind of your... Isn't like a blonde who's kind of domineering and bitchy kind of your Wonder Bread thing? See, I would be into that, but Skylar's a bitch. Like, if Marie would just dye her hair blonde and then just call herself Skylar, I'd be way more into that. How often do you think about stuff like that when you're watching like TV shows? Well, right now, considering how I was in waiting

and I was like, well, I might as well watch Breaking Bad if I'm gonna be waiting. Hell yeah. But I mean, when you're watching other shows, does it pop up from time to time? I suppose, I guess it depends on what I'm watching. I could find a mercoded character in pretty much any show. It's like a skill.

Yeah, what else are you watching? How about Severance? What's the, you watch that? I've heard of it. You've heard of it? The only other show I've watched recently is Better Call Saul. Okay.

And who's the, who's the Mer-Coded character in that? Oh, like Kim, because she's also blonde and she wears a business suit. She looks like something straight from the 80s. Are you going on any dates? It's been a while since we've talked. What's going on with you since then? Oh, none of that. My birthday is coming up. I'm probably gonna go paintballing.

I'm deciding between that and go-karting again. Oh yeah? You went go-karting last time? Yeah. I crashed into a wall. Pretty sure I brought that up the last time I was here. Yeah, I think I remember that. Have you been paintballing before? I Mario-karted into a wall. Pretty sure I brought that up the last time I was here. Yeah, I think I remember that. Have you been paintballing before? Mario carted into a wall. Have you been paintballing before? Once, the last time I went paintballing, I think I made a 12 year old cry because I shot him in the eye.

That's cool. Maybe go paintballing. He was not wearing his mask and he looked behind the cutter and I shot him and he started crying. That would hurt a lot. Did you know it was, did you know he wasn't wearing a, was it an accident? It was an accident, like the dumb fuck couldn't see in his mask and he took it off for a second. When I opened fire on him when he came out of hiding I shot him in the eye. So, so you're just shooting and he like, he took his mask off and walked in front of your paintball essentially. My man, like when you get on the field there's like a list of rules you read that says don't take off your fucking helmet. Yeah, never take it off.

And he for whatever reason was adjusting it and when he took it off I shot him because I thought he was unhiding and I shot him in the eye. Did people get mad at you? No, he got mad at me but like everyone in the room is like, bro, why'd you take your helmet off? I don't know why, but that just seems like something that happens to you. Like, it's a horrible violent accident. I mean, he clearly didn't understand the rules. Yeah, at least pay attention to it clearly. He was dyslexic. He didn't read the rules. He was fucking Fortnight dancing on the goddamn field and I shot him. Yeah, that's on him. I Feel like you don't need to read that Don't take your eye glass. Don't take your eye protection off while you're playing paintball that shouldn't well gonna Darwin's law

He clearly was not prepared for the assignment and he failed. Yeah Well, that's cool. Do you got friends that you go paintballing or you're gonna go paintballing with or do your birthday stuff? I mean, I'm gonna have to go find a place to go paintballing because the last paintballing place I went to shut down pretty much right after I shot that kid in the eye Insuing lawsuit afterward. Okay. It's doing lawsuit afterward. Yeah. Yeah. Um, what is that?

Oh, somebody. Oh, Seaman. They're Seaman posting in the Discord. Uh, what else you been up to? Oh, you know, uh, I went over to a barbecue. I did a bunch of prep work for that. I did all the fucking salads and stuff. Do not put me on the grill.

I will give you food poisoning. Why? What's your, what's your big grill grill. I will give you food poisoning. Sweet. Why? What's your big grill mistake? I'm trying to get better at grilling. Well, you see, a lot of people assume that when you grill, you basically take like the frozen burgers and then immediately put them on the grill. No, do not do that.

You're supposed to unthaw them. Then you're supposed to season them and then put them on the grill. I have had people straight up just put frozen hamburger and veggie patties up on a grill and they end up getting food poisoning immediately afterwards and they have like the most life-crippling diarrhea you could ever imagine. Yeah. Do not put me, do not put that hell on me. I ain't trying to kill no one. I thought you're allowed to put frozen patties on

the grill, are you not? You are but they'll come out like really bad. You see, the reason why you put salt and pepper on them is because you give them a little extra flavor. It enhances it. Right. I mean, Dick, you cook, even you would know that. Yeah, I know. I'm just bad. No, I'm, I barely cook anything and I'm really, I was really bad at grilling. I decided last year that I, did you know, did you know that my wife's pregnant that I'm having a kid? Oh yeah, you were married to some person named 80s girl.

Yes, that's correct. She's pregnant so we're having a kid and I figured I better get better at grilling before the kid gets here. I don't want to... I don't want him to make fun of me. There was some irony about me at that barbecue listening to 80s music and yet here we are we're talking about 80s girl. That is, that is ironic. What else are you up to? You sent me those King of the Hill stuff.

Are you excited about the King of the Hill reboot coming back? Judging from how the storyboards look, they're going to make the show look a lot like the Beavis and Butt-Head reboot because I can tell immediately They're going to use that same animation style in regards to those Storyboards a guy from a discord found those leaked them on to co and then I grabbed them and I gave them to you. Yeah Yeah, I don't know the 4chan was gone for like ten whole days. I was miserable that entire time Are you on there a lot 4chan? Of course I am. What are you doing there? What are you doing on 4chan? You know, I name would just lurk, namely because the site was gone and you know the site's still under maintenance now because of that whole thing that happened. Can you believe they fucked that up? Like they didn't upgrade

the server in like 10 years, it had all kinds of old... Yeah, you know when fucking moot went over to hero it's like alright. Here's the keys It's like well Do I need to update the set of Mike no and he walked out the door? Reminded me of that time when I was living at my old apartment complex when they were hemorrhaging money and the former landlord went to The new landlord threw him the keys walked out said nothing. I'm like should I do anything goner car drove away Was that at your, at your like assisted, at your like kid orphan apartment complex? I don't know, you're thinking of the Children's Village.

Children's Village has been gone for a while now. That was at the apartment that I was living at for 10 years. Yeah. I thought you guys had some kind of like, I was like, it was some kind of like halfway house, wasn't it? Your apartment? Oh yeah. So the area that you're thinking of shut down because of money hemorrhaging,

I don't know the exact story behind it, but supposedly, alright so you know those Nigerian prince scams where a guy who is clearly pretending to be a Nigerian prince will straight up tell you, hey if you give me some money I'll trade you back and I'll double your earnings? Mm-hmm, yeah. So there's another variant of that But it's with gift cards and apparently somebody Fell for the scam so they took that money that quarterly money that they were supposed to spend into investing into the apartment And they spent it gift cards, so they have a bunch of worthless gift cards that they can't fucking use

Well, wait, why can't they use them? Well, I don't really know like the whole extent of the scam. It's kind of like those people who pretend to be Indians who want you to like download a bunch of money into a bunch of like Apple Pay gift cards. Oh yeah, they love that scam. Why is that? I fuck if I know, but like apparently the story, I don't even know if this is true or not, it's just all hearsay. Someone who was high up in my old apartment complex was doing something in relation to that

and fucking they went and got all those cards and they spent all that money and that looked bad and a bunch of people got fired over it. I ended up getting kicked out. Like one day I'm at my room and then all of a sudden I get an eviction notice on my door, I'm like, what the hell, I paid my rent. I'm like, no, no, no, no, you're good,

but everyone in this building is getting evicted like everyone every single person you have 30 days to pack your shit and get out why because when I lived at the Children's Village the moment I turned 18 I had a similar experience with a woman who was running the Children's Village was like alright Mary you're 18 it's time to go I'm like what where am I supposed to go anywhere but here damn I know that sucks are you stable are stable now, though? You're in like you're in a house now. That's not my entire life.

I have done nothing but jump between different nonprofit organizations. And I'm literally just the guy they go to. When I look at the children's village, I was like that. Yeah. When I lived at my old apartment complex for 10 years, I was the guy. Now I'm at my new fucking nonprofit. and I'm now the guy for them. I pay $358 a month for my fucking apartment. $358? Wow, that's a deal.

That's a deal. How much you got left over for commissions? I pay maybe two people depending on... I have two people that I pay commissions for but I can only pay them once so I basically just grab a coin and I flip its heads it's the one guy it's tails the other guy. One of those people will probably be showing up at your event in June. Oh really?

Okay. In Boston? Yeah. That's the artist you pay? I was talking to him the other night about how he was going to that event in June but he was thinking about it and then when he finally decided I was going to it was when I talked to you So I told him it's like you basically just walk over to dick and just say hi You're like a for when he went over there like you know just oh yeah, I'm friends with Mer. Yeah, he's fully. Yeah, let me know

That'd be great. Can you show can you show us some of the commissions that you've gotten from this guy recently, or anybody? Uh, no, not yet. They're not finished yet. They will be at the end of the month, though. What's the commission of? Just comics. Well, comics are, you know, comics can be all over the place. What is it? What's it a comic of? It's hard for me to explain. I'm working on like just a core concept. It's a little hard to pitch at the moment, considering how most of it's just scratches.

Like, you know how people who, when they want to pitch a show, they will all just sit in a room and like think of like proof of concept stuff? Sure, yeah. It's like that, but in comic form. I don't really have anything concrete to go with it because one, I lack the capital to do so,

and two, I lack the manpower to do so. Yeah. How's he gonna draw it though, if you don't have a description? What do you mean? Well, I mean like it's a proof of concept idea. It's just something that evolves with time. That's hard to draw.

What, is there anything, is there anything that he has to go on other than that? Like, is it a person is it? Oh, it's a group of people. It's a group of people are they are they superheroes? No, no, no, no see superheroes what when I think superheroes I think I some and I don't want anything I work on to be like I some so you've read have you read I some You were telling me about that the other night. Is Air July still giving you trouble? Uh, no, Riley, um, he beat his, uh, his court case.

That turned out to be a big... Oh yeah! That's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. Riley got into a bit of trouble. Is he okay? Uh, yeah, he's fine. The, the, the prosecution, uh, was a bunch of idiots and they just dropped the case. They, they, uh. They looked really stupid.

So I mean yeah they act stupid. They basically are stupid. You can't quantify stupidity. It's just something that happens. I know tell me about it. He lost like, he had to pay like $7000 for his legal defense though. I'm guessing he had like a pro bono lawyer. He didn't pay hourly.

No he did not have a pro bono. Nobody wanted to be pro bono lawyer he didn't pay hourly no he did not have a pro but nobody wanted to be pro bono for Riley unfortunately so he had to pay for it out of spite I think yeah yeah I told you the story about how I thought Riley was a girl right no you didn't tell me that were you flirting with I remember I remember the first time I went on your show, I remember there being a girl on your show. I forgot who it was, but there was a girl on your show, and I thought that was Riley,

and for years I straight up thought Riley was female, until one day Riley was like, you know I'm a dude, right? I'm like, dude, dude? Like, yeah. So yeah, I learned that the hard way. How did that come up? How did that come up, that he's a that he's a guy well, I mean like I

Riley because Riley sounds like a girl's name. I mean how many people who are boys, you know, are named Riley I know and he's always acting like a girl too. So it's He's always posting like his girlfriend. So you think it's selfies that she's posting, but what came up that made Riley say, hey, by the way, I'm a guy. Well, Riley and me were talking one day, and I remember Riley was telling me about how he's really into making music professionally, and then I think one thing led to another,

and then he was like, Murr, I don't know if I have told you this or not, but I'm a dude. Did you thought I was a girl? For how long? Years? Okay. What were you trying to draw a picture of what you thought was a girl like what? What happened? No, I genuinely thought when the first time I went on your show that the girl that yeah had in the background

It was Riley. Yeah, I know that you were talking about Riley was just some girl who wanted to make music and then I learned way later that Riley's dude Who likes to make music who I thought was a girl. Yeah. And Riley was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Look, I might have a girl name, but I'm not a girl. It's an easy mistake to make online, honestly. You know, it embarrasses you every time.

Like whenever I go and I talk to people about you, I'll have a really hard time referring to you as dick because professionally you're supposed to say Richard You professionally I mean yeah, because dick is supposed to be the shortened name for Rick or Richard Yeah, I'm with a guy who doesn't watch your show. I'm like oh, yeah, I know a guy named uh Richard Masterson Yeah, but dick is a pretty common name, a male name. Dick Van Dyke.

Dick Buccus. Dick Buccus. Yeah. Yeah. You know, there's a lot of dicks. You don't have to say Richard, I don't think. Dick Tracy, man. Dick Tracy, man. I mean, look, in the 1950s, gay meant happy. In 2025, gay means gay. Well, all right.

I guess Richard, they're having a hard, they'll have a hard time looking up the Richard show. Yeah. Okay, so tell me about your, can I see some of your recent commissions? Oh, well, it's hard for me to quantify anything that's recent. I mean, I can show you stuff.

How about you the last like couple that you had made? That's my bad. I mean, I didn't commission them, they were kind of just gifts, but I can show you stuff. How about you the last like couple that you had made? That's my bad I mean, I didn't mission neighbor kind of just gifts, but I can show you those. Yeah, let's let's see I don't like post them in the general or where do you want me to post? Yeah, you can drop them in the general I'm in there right now I just like seeing what you're up to. My friend dread drew me This is a picture of Princess Peach with a body pillow that looks like a piece of Wonder Bread Okay, you got is she is she yawning?

You got princess a body pillow. She's going to sleep. She has her Wonder bread body pillow This is great stuff. This is a hot girl with huge tits princess peach princess peach, and she's blonde And this was a gift for you for your birthday. I was a gift. That was for my last birthday. Okay that's cool. You got what else you got? So you're still you now is this a gift because people know you're the Wonder Bread guy or you still asking for Wonder Bread stuff? Like I want to know what you're into. I mean it's both. I've got people who I pay and I've got people who give me stuff for free. Another example would be you play Marvel Marvel Rivals, right? No, but I know, you know, I know what it is.

All right, so there is a character in Marvel Rivals named Sue, and she is the wife of Dr. Reed Richards, the plasticky guy. I had this drawn too. Okay, let's see. You had this drawn? Yeah, this was also a gift.

All right, you got a little shark in there. Why is that? Oh yeah, that's uh, It's uh, it's one of the mascot characters for the game. His name eludes me. He's like a tiny shark dog thing and She's thinking about The Industrial Revolution I see and its consequences, you know, Ted Kaczynski Wept on his final day in supermax for her to produce that Wonder Bread Sorry, can you say Ted Kaczynski?

Okay, Kaczynski wept in his last day of Supermax. Yeah, just for her to produce that Wonder Bread. I remember that's what that's what all these girls in your in your Wonder Bread pics are thinking about, right? Yeah. Extreme industrialization. Okay, what else? Do you have anything not Wonder Bread related that you've got recently? Not Wonder Bread? I mean, that's kind of like the MO. I haven't made anything not Wonder Bread recently.

These are just the newest ones. Okay. Let me see another one. Maybe on my birthday I'll get something fresh. You kind of got me at a bad time. No, don't say that. These are incredible pictures. They're great. You said you're Inventory is what I'm trying to tell you in the most modest way possible

Everybody get this man his Wonder Bread picks get him in exactly like if you guys want to help out like there's the door Wait what there's the door I mean like you know, like, you know, the door of opportunity, because, you know, people's like, you know, that man hasn't had anything fresh in a while. Um, your, uh, your comic doesn't sound like it's Wonder Bread related, the one that you're, that you're kicking around in your head with the group or the gang of... Yeah, well, you know, you live in the state of California,

you gotta factor in, like, scale and cost, you know. I can't spend too much money, because Lord knows knows I don't want my landlord going to be like so you're behind on your Rent this month. I try not to make a habit of that. Yeah, are you do you have a hard time like budgeting and stuff? Oh Yeah, it's the worst fucking you live in LA. You would know what I mean. We live in the same state dick Yeah, it's uh, it's fucked man. I had some I had some graph that I brought in today. That's like the Chain restaurants prices are up. They're up like 20 30 40 50 percent some of them. It's really crazy Sizzlers getting expensive man. Sizzlers getting expensive But yours is the most like boomer restaurant. I've heard in a while

But your comic doesn't sound like it's Wonder Bread related is what I'm saying It's a long-term project it requires a lot of focus and time and when I don't have the money, I can't work on it. What do you use the money for when you're working on it? When I have the money I work on it like a fucking page at a time. That's what A4 and all my other guys are for. You met A4. A4 was like the dopey looking guy with the glasses that came to one of your shows. He walked over to you and said, I'm Mer's art slave. Oh, I think I remember. There's a lot of dopey looking guy with the glasses that came to one of your shows He walked over to you and said I'm Mers art slave Oh, I think I remember there's a lot of dopey looking guys with glasses at my shows Uh, I think I remember that I have a dopey looking guy and glasses approach you at your June show

But that's not a for that's someone different. Okay, how many pages are you into this magnum opus of yours? 300,000 what no no no, you're not 300,000 pages into your feels like it Well, it's a lot of pages like you know just shit takes time It's like the fucking Sistine Chapel Michelangelo needed decades of his life to finish it Have you seen Schenectady New York the movie I have literally never left the state of California You're asking me if I've seen a movie about a state I've not been to well Yeah, most movies are about states. You've not been to? Well, yeah, most movies are about states you've not been to. What are you talking about?

I'm sure you haven't been to space. What's it about? It's about this guy who, it's about this guy who makes, he's a playwright, and his life's work becomes making a play about his life, but the play, then he has to start making a play about him, making a play about a play play and it just becomes this like infinitely huge play that he makes where

Wow, you know that reminds me a lot of a movie called rent Which is about a bunch of gay guys who are a year behind on their rent and they can sit down in their apartment for being poor Why does it remind you of rent? That's kind of- Yes, that also takes place in New York in the East Okay, so you have seen something outside of your state. Yeah, but not that movie. That's like the most oddly specific...

Well, yeah, because it sounds like what you're doing with your comic. That's why it reminded me, because you're like making this huge, sprawling, epic comic, but you can't say what it's about. That's what's connected to... Well, you see, here's the thing. The difference between me and Vito Is that Vito has an idea and he has the money, but he's produced no results I have an idea I have no money, and I have nothing to show for it

Why don't you crowd if you crowdfunded a comic ice? I swear to God people would have to support that right the Wonder bread guys making a comic at least one supporter would crop At least I would support it. I mean, I'm pretty tight with my money, but I would buy, I would pay, I would crowdfund, I would pay the crowdfund of Murr Logic making his magnum opus or whatever the fuck this is that you're making. I just want all 300,000 pages, though. I want to be able to never stop reading this. Full-ass Murr-o-festo for you to read?

Yeah. Yeah, the Murr-a-festo for you to read. Yeah, the Mur-a-festo! Dude, do you have any interest in actually making a comic, like Vito or Eric July? I mean, I would, but I'm not like Eric July, where I get a $4 million investment and I have nothing to show for it. If I were to crowdfund, I need someone whose purpose is

to just look after the money. I don't want that. I want to write. I just want to write the script and then pay an artist. That's all. I don't want to hold any of the money. Somebody would have to hold the money and budget it out accordingly,

and then tell me ahead of time exactly how much money would get invested into what. Because I don't want to do that. Even if you had a guy who failed college, I don't want to do anything involving numbers. I can do that. That's all I've done for 20 years. I mean, I run a marketing agency. That's all I do.

Higher budgets, all of that shit. I can do that, no problem. If you want to crowdfund a comic... Where does it say on your tax return all of the expensive stuff that you buy for Vito just to break in front of Vito? Uh, travel and entertainment, I think. Well, no, I don't buy any of it. People, people send it in. That's what makes it so funny.

People send in some and some of this stuff that I've destroyed is really, is really expensive. Did you see me burn that? It's been sent in from another person. Then when you write it down on your taxes, you put it down as business expense. I don't even you know what? I don't even put that shit in my taxes. The toys that I smash on the show.

Yeah. I just- You spent $800, someone spent $800 on a magic card. I would go over to someone- Riley spent $800 on that magic card and it made the show for like a year. Like that's what I'm trying to explain. These people are important. These people who do creative things are very important.

To have a show that's consistently funny you need people around you that are funny themselves and that are contributing. Hank are you aware that I had to emotionally comfort a friend the day you set that magic card on fire he was crying in my arms going why would he do that that was one of 10 in the world I'm like you're sounding like Vito right now. I'm like, you're sounding like Vito right now. You did? Yes. I told him you collect Pokemon cards and he also collects Pokemon cards.

It's like, man, I could have done so much with that card. I'm like, that's why Dick had to destroy it. Vito was being stubborn. Bingo. You got it. Murray, you got it. That's why I think you'd make such a good comic. If I ever went to one of those events my friend is going to,

I'm gonna find a way to get my hands on a scale that looks identical to the floor and I'm gonna trick Vito into standing on it and then I'm gonna say his weight. What if you just, you bring a scale and then you know how much you weigh and you get behind him and pick him up and then just see the number on the scale?

If you want me to go to Bed Bath and Beyond to go buy a scale and show Vito how easy it is, I will fucking schoolhouse rock my ass on that fucking scale and say, see Vito, it's easy. How much do you weigh, do you know? I want to say I'm thinner than Vito, but I haven't looked at a scale, so I could be entirely wrong.

Oh yeah, well how big were you when you last weighed yourself? 290. 290, yeah, that's pretty big. You're you're almost you guys are almost the same weight I think he's like 285 even if it's like a teeth of a difference I will champion the fact that I'm showing a little less less or straight than Vito is Man it's driving me insane that you can't give me an explanation of what your comic is Because there's nothing to say it's literally just a series of lines even a pre-sketch is like a general shape to it I've got like nothing in regards to that. It's all because I ain't got no money

I mean, it's like you're describing like a Rothko painting, but it's like you're jacking off to it Like it's nothing but line along the lines of those people who took a banana and then like taped it to a wall and it made a bajillion dollars and when someone said, how is this art? It's like, I don't know, art's in the eye of the beholder. And they all took that and they all gave them it. Yeah, that's true. So how can we behold your art? Help me behold it. I have something to show for it.

If I have nothing to show for it, I can't even explain it as an idea. It's all just proof of concept. But even a proof of concept needs a pre-sketch and pre-sketches aren't free dick yeah no I know I know that that's true well if you do come up with your if you figure out how to put your idea into words and you want to make a comic book you know I think that would be I think everyone would promote it just to be funny. Like, Justin Wang would... I'm trying to do... I'm trying to leap between that, my fucking responsibilities of just maintaining my apartment,

and I want to work on my fucking book that I want to write for myself, but I haven't figured out the time I want to do that either. You haven't figured out the time... you need to make some time for that? Yeah. Look, I need a ghostwriter. I cannot write my own fucking storyline unless someone's there to edit my bullshit. Yeah, that's true. You wanna just talk about your life and stuff, like your childhood and all your adventures.

Why not? I mean, I gave you my grandpa's book. I mean, that's like a basis of how it started, but there's more to it than that. I literally ran into someone the other day who used to work at the Children's World. You went and had fucking's like, I literally ran into someone the other day who used to work at the Children's Village. You went and had fucking Chinese food. You literally ran into them? Like you ran-

Yeah, are they okay? And you collided with them? Yeah, I ran into them. Like, we were like, moon in a planet with its gravity just floating together. We walked in, got Chinese food, had some sake, and then we went out about our day. It stops being a moon when it collides, though. Yeah. Uh- And then we went out about our day. It stops being a moon when it collides though. Yeah We see me and Vito are kind of like two moons in between a giant planet Yeah me

Okay, so you're just trying to pay rent and stuff you need a ghostwriter for your book you California you've got to have the most interesting life like of crazy shit that happens kind of between the like in the cracks of the foster system and all these all these All these Prospects when I turned 18 I was basically homeless like in and off for like a couple of years Yeah, have you ever tried ghostwriting something or getting getting a ghost writer for all this stuff? I tried writing it myself but it's hard because you know my only fucking reference point was my friend A4 and he was like, Murr, your life is depressing. Like who would want to read this? Yeah you gotta write it in a funny way I guess. Yeah. I need

somebody like Riley or just somebody who would be open to the idea of hearing me talk and then like edit it down. Like you don't drink vodka straight, you water it down with mixer. So it's enjoyable. Yeah, people will OD on your, on the sadness if they get your life story. I'm trying not to make my book like train splating,

that fucking junkie movie about the guys in Scotland who have nothing to do but do heroin all day. Yeah Well, it sounds you sound great Sound like you're having fun. My birthday's coming up so I'm a bit optimistic. I'm gonna be turning 31, you know Okay, that's a fun. That's a fun decade that you're getting into 40s not not so much Yeah, have you hit your midlife crisis yet, Dick? Oh, I don't know. I had a prolonged adolescence for probably the last 30 years. So I don't really know if I... I don't know if guys like me have midlife crises.

You know? Like I'm kind of tired of partying to be honest. Well, then yeah, you're getting married. That's kind of the point. Soon you're going to get tired of drinking, and I'm going to be proud of you. And see, that's the first step, Dick. Murr, I was tired of drinking a long time ago. You still do it. All of my friends also like to drink. In fact, when you meet them at the time

that you're going to be at that event in June, you're probably going to be drinking a lot. Yeah. Yeah, I have a no shots rule, though, because people like to give me celebratory shots, because we're all partying and having a good time. But if I do that, if I take everyone's shot,

I'll be dead or at least unable to perform. You don't want to live your life like Hank Hill where you spend your time drinking three Alamo beers a day. Is that what he did? Yeah, he hangs out in the alleyway, just drinks Alamo all day. It's like 0.1% beer.

It's so non-beer that you're basically just drinking water. I think my grandpa took a shot of whiskey every day or maybe a half shot and he lived to be about 95 something or maybe even older. Yeah. And he only had one lung by the end. He got his one of his lungs pulled out. The guy who wrote that book that I gave you was basically living off of like that like hardcore like yellow alcohol like whiskey like there's like hard liquor right? A magical yellow alcohol? A chinkum? yeah fucking you know the dark kind like you know like whiskey and yeah yeah the shit that tastes like wood varnish and smells like it too

yeah yeah that's just wasn't wood. That was the kind of stuff that he was drinking and he lived to be like ninety-something yeah he was he was drinking and he lived to be like 90 something Yeah, he was he was a nice guy, right? He's the one that wrote the book I mean, it was nice to have to write seven books. I got you one of them. I'm trying to get the other six Oh cool. Yeah, that would be great. Well It's nice to talk to you again. I hope you I don't know if you you asked some of them I don't know ask some people for help with this stuff It's it's really it's really interesting when you ever put when you put your mind to something I want to I want to consume more of it

You know with your comic it probably would be the best idea to just have somebody who you know and trust just come and DM me It's like all right explain to me What exactly your story is and then he could come back and give you like a TLDR? I have a hard time explaining it to you because it makes sense to me what exactly your story is and then he could come back and give you like a tldr i have a hard time explaining it to you because it makes sense to me it wouldn't make sense to you with you i have to approach like a certain level of professionalism yeah not like too much professionalism but like right you wouldn't get it is what i'm saying i don't want to be like the joker in like the hospital scene but like it's i can't quantify that if a four were here. He probably could

Yeah, that's the vibe. I'm getting that's why I'm so fascinated by it. Meh, I Wouldn't get it. She's yeah. All right, buddy. Go have a go have a good son. I don't know anything else You want to drop on everybody while you're here? I'm happy to see everybody try not to get in any more car accidents. Who the hell is Johnny by the way Is your replacement for Sean? Yeah, Sean left. I'm actually to see everybody try not to get in any more car accidents who the hell is Johnny by the way is your Replacement for Sean yeah Sean left. I'm actually Sean's little brother. I never got to say goodbye to Sean I wonder what I was did he just vanished so I can bug him Yeah, yeah email him tell him to come to the live show the Boston. Yeah

Lord Lord knows I miss the days where Sean would just stare and abject terror just look just blank face going wise. What is more talking about? Yeah, he would All right, buddy, all right get out of here have a good one. Thanks for calling in her. I bye hey oh There he goes all right, I read some of these comments Oh, there he goes. All right. I'll read some of these comments. GFYD says, fuck Nintendo and their shitty hentai games. Yeah. Steve says, one of those Nigerian fellows definitely got a hernia trying to pick up that hippopotamus.

What do you think? I think all of them did. Probably all of them did. Peyton Chapel. Strip clubs. Hey Dick, I'm listening to episode 194 where you read the email from the guy that went to the strip club and only spent $150. This reminds me of when I went, when I was 21,

I went to strip club, absolutely hammered and broke as shit. I spent 60 bucks when the strippers weren't looking. I picked up as many of the ones as I could and threw them again. weren't looking I picked up as many of the ones as I could as I could and threw them again. That's a good life hack right there. What are you guys posting porn in here I can't concentrate. Picking up ones. That's funny. Oh man that's low. To hear about it from someone else is funny to witness it in person would be depressing. I've maybe picked up, you know, a stray and thrown it.

We got to. But scrounging around, racing the strippers, get me out of here. You bring your own purse to cram it all into. Yeah. I'm not Jewish, okay. Oh, mmm. But I do believe that qualifies me to be, okay. Thank you for the email.

It seems like the rest of it didn't print somehow. Stress forged. Dick, I feel like we're leading parallel lives. LOL. I saw you on PKA a while back. You announced that you were having your first kid and you found your childhood Pokemon cards including a shadowless Charizard. I too found my childhood cards including a shadowless Charizard And I'm having my first kid do at the end of June LMAO love listening to you stuff man

Thank you. Good luck with the Charizard Yeah, good luck man. Good luck get it graded You know slip a little pull 20 in there I didn't do that, but my shit was a six and then I got to send it, I got an altered one. They said my fucking Charizard was altered. It's bullshit. It's been in the box for 20 years,

going 25 years, you cocksucker. What are you saying? How? Connor Sickmiller says, "'How do we get these WATP crossovers weekly? Man, I don't know. We should do more. I always think that Carl and I should do more,

but he does a lot of shows, Carl. He does a lot of shows, man. Busy guy. You know, we met from Carl making fun of me. That's even funnier. Yeah. See where mockery can lead to? See what a great business prospect it is.

You just kind of roll with it, man. That's what happens when you show up. I am kind of a shithead. I learned from a great engineer, is showing up is 90% of it. Yeah, and getting teased and not losing it is the other 10%. Rolling with it is the other 10%. The 10% is getting the money and going, well, cool.

You mean all I had to do was get called the very obvious thing I am? Yeah, like, oh yeah, you guys got a point. I am kind of that. Well, oh well. Yeah, I mean, I still think I should probably shut the fuck up more even, so it's like, I get it, you know. I HAVE ABANDONED MY SON! Aww. That's...

That's like my go-to if I ever feel... any kind of way about criticism. I feel like, eh. I just started saying... Remember that scene. I understand. Like, uh, Wes Anderson's Asteroid City. Yeah.

I understand. I understand. I understand. Vito's arguing with people on YouTube comments. Like YouTube comments. Man, those guys aren't even real. Those are AI. What are you doing?

Vito doesn't understand. He just needs to go, I understand. I understand. I understand. Not okay. Not okay. No. Just a very professional. Hey, you do you, man. I understand. Not okay. Not okay. No. Cool. No. Just a very professional.

Hey, you do you, man. I understand. You do you. I couldn't. Me? I couldn't handle that much animosity. Man. Buddy Bradley. The fat one on the WATP episode, the fat one going on a date has ADHD. My girlfriend has it and she does the same thing

I hope she doesn't weigh as there is one bitch these bitches were so fat, bro They're taking up like look at the screen. Yeah It's their head is the same size as mine, but their bodies were like this. Holy shit Like this taking up the whole fucking thing man Shit. Like this, taking up the whole fucking thing. Man. Crazy. Gonna need a fisheye lenses for everything soon.

They should use some kind of a fisheye. It's like something. To look normal. 360 cameras are going to be the bare minimum next. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This guy says. He said a lot of things. Yeah, he said a lot.

I don't think... I don't know if this was an email. Okay. Jeremy says, man, I'm overweight. I need to lose 30 pounds while these sloths stuff their face with pride. Crazy world. He's talking about the crossover episode. My Abba taught me, there's a certain charm in Johnny being stuck as a smiling freeze frame while complaining about how nothing works. Oh yeah, there was some kind of video error.

That's fucking funny. I love that. Mike A, if that sign were on my fan stick, I'd treat that thing like I treat the license plate frames that car dealers want to push off on you when buying a car. Same thing, so you'd take it off. Usually people phrase things like that

when they're gonna do something violent. Not a simple comparison. Rip my whole back bumper off, just like, take it down. I treat that sign like I treat my shirt at the end of the day by removing it. Very gently. Yeah, man, I just like, they got me by the balls, you know? They have the relationship with the city, I don't.

City already doesn't like me. Telling you, man, we just need to make a fake inspection company and discharge for him. You're like, yeah, that's about right. David, you know what pisses me off? People thinking they need to give a farewell speech when they don't listen to the show anymore.

Who cares? Fuck off then, team guy! Well, you know, I think when they give those I'm done listening speeches that they're just like commenting on something. I love a good I'm done dude, you know? Yeah, me too. I kind of like it now. Yeah.

I used to have contempt for it as well, but now I kind of like them. Because it's like, oh man, that's a bummer. And then you're like, well, it was pretty funny. You're like. Austin says, no, I don't need to say the N word, but oh dear Lord, the concocting of conversations and interactions that will never happen. Jesus, how do I get rid of that or make money off of it?

That's the guy that wrote in and said, he was thinking of things and then thinking of burns to have on. Yes. Well, you could start behaving that wrote in and said he was thinking of things and then thinking of burns to have on Well, you could start behaving that that way in real life and being embarrassed Start doing those things. Yeah quit thinking about him so much to do You're either gonna get embarrassed and you'll stop thinking about it or you'll do amazing and you'll be the president and it'll reinforce all that Yeah Do either one?

Try them out. Regarding your anti-Semitism, hey, Dick. That's how I send out all my work emails, too. While some of your past statements can certainly be construed as anti-Semitic, what the hell? What did I say? You said something? No.

What did I say? Not this show. Was it the piano teeth thing? Mm. That's what I read on the internet. I don't know. It wasn't community noted. It wasn't the old cash register joke.

It was just, you know. I've heard people say way worse things. You don't come across as someone particularly preoccupied with Jews. No. You don't come across as someone particularly preoccupied with Jews. No, I'm pretty preoccupied. They do a lot of post-occupation, but I mean, come on. Preoccupation? That's a Palestinian thing. I don't know what to be preoccupied about.

Like, you're sitting here just scheming all day. Their whole culture has survived for like thousands of years because they have all these like rules and customs that are like in-group preferences. You know, keeping everything in the tribe. We get nodded. Is that anti-semitic? Fuck, I don't even know anymore. I don't even, well clearly I don't know because I lost my YouTube channel because of that stupid

Kanye OJ joke because the juice got away with murder. He did? He might be sitting next to the guy who did it actually. God damn Indian, and the Indian- I knew the Indian wouldn't catch it but he came back- some fucking fat woman at YouTube hates me.

Yeah. I know it. I fucking know it. Well they're all fat woman at Google YouTube hates me. Yeah, I know it Yeah However, like your position on that CEO getting capped your position on the Gaza war is incoherent and at best disingenuous Horseshit at worse wait is Oh incoherent at best and disingenuous horseshit worse What's my position on that CEO getting cabbed? Good? Fuck him. How's that incoherent?

Fuck that guy. That's pretty- Awesome. Hey, somebody finally killed that guy. Fucking great. That guy sucked. And I'm so getting denied. Fucking asshole.

What the fuck, yeah. Yeah. How's that incoherent? Man, you guys like, I don't really give a shit if beliefs are incoherent or like, you know, what's the word? What's the opposite of hypocrisy? Incoherent. It's the opposite of incoherent. Coherent. No, it's something else. Why won't someone think of the children is the rhetorical equivalent

of hiding behind human shields? I can't help but notice your utter disregard for all other children in every other context. What? No, I'm pretty, I'm okay with taxes that go to stopping kids from getting harmed. What are you talking about? Do you know if this guy had breakfast this morning?

I'll ask. This email. But this one time, this one sp- No, I don't want kids getting killed. Cause I think, well, if you're okay with killing those kids, then you're definitely okay with closing my YouTube account. Oh, that's a big- that's a big problem. That might affect me.

I'm pretty sure those kids weren't doing anything. I'm not doing anything. Right. So, it's a big problem. That's with kids, they're never really doing anything, you know? That's why everyone's so protective of them. It's like, well that kid wasn't really... I'm at least as annoying as that kid was. He wasn't doing shit, yeah.

But this one time, this one specific place, you care? I don't buy it.? I don't buy it. Other people don't buy it. Oh, shit. And while I personally wouldn't make the logical leap, other people aren't involved? Oh no! Holy shit. The secret is out!

That's what others, consistent, that's what. It's like, well, this isn't consistent with something you said here. I don't give a fuck. What am I? Oh, well, you're Mr. Consistency. Yeah, mr. Fuck they wrap you up into these like they wrap you up in these traps Like you can't now you can't we now we gotcha Cuz you said this so that means this and you could never say and then you say this and they're like

That's not consistent with your beliefs Said I believe anything? I don't give a fuck. I change my mind. Boom. Done. Um, that's what gives others cause to be suspicious of your motives. Oh, and the fact that you're parroting a talking point of actual avowed anti-semites. You know what's crazy? Um, I don't know. I was watching some documentary on... I probably told this story already. A long time ago when I was a kid, I was watching some documentary on like...

It's like a documentary on how fucked the Ku Klux Klan was. There he is. It was... You remember... Well, maybe you don't... You probably don't remember. You weren't alive then. We used to have... We used to just have the ability to talk about all this goofy shit Yeah, like the clan was on Jerry Springer you'd have documentaries where they're like interviewing clan guys like what do you what are you thinking? You know people were very curious about this stuff because you didn't have everyone breathing down your fucking throat about having like a rigid

consistency everything you could just watch and go like oh that was interesting and They interviewed some They're interviewing all the people who hate the clan obviously and people who the clan like hurt and all this stuff And then they go to the clan guy, and they're like what do you think the problem is with America? He goes Americans America's addiction to cheap labor is what's caused all of its problems, and I said that's the smartest shit. I've ever heard that's totally true of its problems and I said that's the smartest shit I've ever heard that's totally true I was not expecting that guy to say that I don't know why they put that in the documentary well if the thing is like nowadays people can't

entertain an idea without also having to accept it yeah they just need to like well he said this it is it's bad that means I everything and it's like no just yeah you can say things you can definitely say you can say anything They're trying to take that away though. If you've ever dealt with Any like public interaction with someone that us like a clerk at a store or anything. They're just saying things. They don't give a fuck Yeah, exactly. Welcome to right. Yeah Likewise you approach perilously close to the logic of anti-Semitism when you complain that Israel is being too violent.

Bro, they're like, raping prisoners. That's like part of their process. What are you talking about? What is this caller's last name? You complain that Israel is being too violent while simultaneously complaining. Um... Ha! Uh... You complain that Israel is being too violent while simultaneously complaining. Why do you care so much about this? Complaining that they're not being violent enough. Well yeah, cause I don't want any of fucking refugees.

I don't want you to do bad stuff, but if you're doing bad stuff, do it all the way. I don't want to deal with the fallout. You know? Yeah. Hey, don't do a war. Just figure out a way to live with these assholes. I have to figure out a way to live with a lot of fucking assholes that I don't want to, okay? So that's what I...

So you're gonna do that too. Actually, we're gonna... Actually, we're gonna flatten their city. So where are they gonna go? Well? We're gonna send them to you. No. Yeah.

Uh-uh. Flatten everything. Just flatten it. Yeah, flatten it. Nobody's coming up. They better not be coming over here. Don't leave my deck unfinished Likewise you oh, yeah, okay both positions are ridiculous buddy Let me tell you something my positions on any of this shit don't fucking matter at all Nobody none of our positions matter on any of this shit. It's totally retarded. That the only thing you can do is make fun of it until they take your channel away for fucking,

for bullshit reasons. It's all you get. Because a bunch of people are paid to just harangue anybody who's speaking into anything, into backing any narrative that isn't making war hawks shitloads of money. That's it. It's just money.

The only silver lining to the whole conflict is that finally for the first time in my life, the Jews are acting like God's chosen people. Whoa, whoa, okay. You don't have to drag morals into it. Ethics will do just fine. I oppose the war in Gaza. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, He's pretty. That's how you know you're right. He's pretty. He's got to tell people. He's right. He's right. Looking forward to seeing the show in Boston. I'll make sure to wear my prettiest dress and best skin mask. Well, I appreciate the letter. Thank you. Five out of five porno game. Goon evening.

Now this is a letter. This matters. It is finally getting to the good stuff. My personal goat for porn games is called Eternium, Eternum. Others cater to my specific fetishes more, but I consider Eternum a genuinely good game in its own right. The plot is based on Ready Player One, but if the super realistic and immersive VR existed in our current society, you hop from universe to universe with a harem of hot women that you get to fuck. The animation is the best I've seen,

which translates into by far the highest quality sex scenes. Man, what are you playing this all night? Damn. I think I've heard you mention, I mean, I guess eventually GTA just kind of feels like you're driving, you know, like, oh, eventually GTA just kind of feels like you're driving or, you know, like, I gotta drive across town and do this.

There's traffic there. Yeah. I gotta get in their car. I've heard you mentioned that you don't like the way most 3D porn game models look. Aeternum is recent, the Aeternum's most recent ones might make you reconsider that.

The sex scenes get better as the game goes along and the developer learns what he's doing. Besides that, the creativity is insanely good for a porn game. The developer caribs, caribs, caribs breaks new ground and genuinely innovates the porn game medium. How can you not give a game with casino with a casino heist and a Stanley parable section five stars. What's a Stanley Parable? Oh and then he links to it. Alright. Anyways, if you or Johnny the audio engineer have any other questions about porn games or recommendations, I'm your guy. There's a whole industry of guys making six figures developing these games. Really? Yours truly, Professional Gooner. NoodleDude.io is a dude who makes

insanely well edited porn music videos, which is another porn cottage industry I could talk about. See, this just reads as so much calmer than the Israel one. Right. You know? Why is this guy cool? He's making, he's dedicating his time to something healthy and he's got plenty of research in it He's got like it turn them. Let's see. I was thinking of a turn them the fucking 90s PC game That's a huge piece of weird shit

Turn them porno no turn them game Okay, there it is care of you am I am I see yeah, I understand. Oh, there's you at AM. Carabidus. I see. I understand. Oh, there's the pornography. It's 3D. I mean, I don't know, man. It just seems like pixels, like a bunch of polygons and stuff. Is that? I don't know.

It's like Zork. It's a text game and you have to use your imagination. Yeah, I think that would be more erotic reading it and being able to picture it Who's gonna make the first zork based? That's gotta exist remember in Lord remember in oh you didn't obviously you're too young for this They had Legend of the Red Dragon. Oh, yeah, just just before my time Yeah you'd call that back when the internet was still on modems and you'd call into someone's house You'd call into someone's computer and you'd get to play let you get to play Legend of the Red Dragon for like 10

Turns today that's every day And then at the end you'd go to the bar and try to fuck the bartender or the waitress And it would be like it would give you like lines to say it's I mean it's like Very accurate to dealing with real women. Yeah. Like, go to this thing, go to the bar, and say this shit, and try to give her stupid crap and see if you can fuck her. It's like a less silly leisure suit, Larry.

Yeah, after a hard day. The more depressing one, yeah. Killing goblins. You'd get to go to the bar and try to fuck the... Everyone was jacking off to that. They probably still do. I'm sure. If it still exists, it's a service though. It was all text though, you know? Telling off to that. They probably still do. I'm sure. If it still exists, it's fair to say. It was all text, though.

You know? Telling you, man. I never f- I never got to fuck her. Save all- I would get too drunk at the bar. Save all the animation work, you know? Just use your fucking mind. It was better that they put all this effort now into all these polygons and shit,

but it's like, nah, that was better because it was in your mind. Mhm. Then it was always perfect for you. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I can't find any of the pictures from this that are other than this loop that they have. That's the whole game, yeah.

Is that the whole game, just seeing those chicks get drilled? Passive walkthrough? I don't know. Well, I'm glad that you found that. Yeah, cool. Thanks for writing in, man. I don't know. Well, I'm glad that you found that. Yeah, cool. Thanks for writing in, man. Jam night runner, get those signs out of your yard.

When I was still doing residential work, we always paid for signage. Okay, well, thanks for letting me know. Not just because it's the right thing to do, but when you're working on someone's home, they already kind of resent workers being there. Paying or offering credit for advertising is a way to grease the situation. Here I am, ungreased. You can't cook.

I don't even have a goddamn ground floor. Jub says, advice for ex-girlfriend. Hey, Dick, I dated this girl, D Cups, African American for about two months before we eventually broke up because we started arguing too much It sounded like she was only African American for two months at first Specifically she didn't want to have sex often at all. Oh, well yeah, that's a pretty big problem, bro. It's not gonna get better. Uh, we were fighting a lot. Why? Because she didn't want to have sex. Oh, okay, you guys have been together for like 10 years or something?

No, two months. Get the fuck, you know me, women there are... She said she was molested when she was young which made me feel very bad Well you could find a woman who was molested and wants to have sex more as a result of that so Don't feel too bad When we broke up she clearly went psycho Texted my parents and told basically everyone at my job So many people I actually put so many people I actually put in my two weeks there yesterday. Oh my god

She's not getting laid her brains fritzing out dumb bitch She started texting everyone my job that I hit her, which I absolutely didn't do. It's like the room. I did not hit her! I did not hit her! Oh hi Mark! Oh hi Mark. Now after we broke up, are people still buying that shit? Do we have exhaustion on the, oh I just broke up with someone and they hit me? Like nah, you're, you're, uh uh.

No no no no no no. Sorry, but even if that happened, we're not doing that shit anymore. Nope. Now after we broke up, she says that she wants to fuck me again in two weeks. It sounds like she fucked you pretty hard at work, buddy. After we broke up, she said that she wants to fuck me again in two weeks. It sounds like she fucked you pretty hard at work buddy. After we broke up she said that she wants to fuck me again in two weeks and it's obvious she wants to keep talking to me. Yeah, you know there's a saying called hell hath no fury like a woman scorned because they will do shit just to fuck with you

if they don't get what they want. They will have a whole, they will definitely let you fuck them, but they will drown you while you're fucking them. They will pull you into hell. That's why you don't save a drowning person. Do not save a drowning woman. They will fuck you and they'll degrade themselves

and all with the end result of trying to channel it and Fuck you over with it. It's earth-salting. Yeah, do not fuck with them you in your mind. You're like I'm stronger than her I'm more logical so I can beat her but you cannot that you are playing a different game My question is should I have sex with this woman? No, obviously and try my hardest to not develop feelings a different game. My question is, should I have sex with this woman? No. Obviously. And try my hardest to not develop feelings for her? What are you fucking talking about? You should be feeling very strongly about her. That feeling should be hatred. Feelings for her? That feeling should be strangling.

Oh, hey, you told everybody I hit you guess what pop yeah at least make me and I'll turn myself into an honest man yeah what'd you tell how did you how did you tell them I hit you was it a headbutt or was it a right or a left was it a strangle is a two-piece no biscuit was it a one two I hit you with an a bag of oranges was it a giant mallet? A cartoon hammer. A cartoon hammer? Like Riley's posting the mask. Oh yeah.

With this cartoon hammer. Uh... I feel bad about the Vito thing because I'm like, man I just feel like you're... I feel like something's going on. That's why when he first told me he's not going I'm like, alright, uh... I feel like this is about something else. But I'm not like a right, I feel like this is about something else, but I'm not like a shrink and I have other shit

that I care about. Dr. Joe show. Dr. Show. On the Dr. Joe show. I can't even think straight because of how silly this whole thing is. He's like, yeah, I don't know why Dick brings up Riley. Well, cause he canceled the show.

Cause I'm hearing from Patrick Melton that now I gotta deal with a bunch of shit. And kinda demonstrate that I'm not like you. It's very uncomfortable. All of it's very uncomfortable. I have to explain to other people that I'm not crazy and I think it's stupid, which is also awkward. Hey, by the way, I'm not a pain in the ass, even though it's not possible, you can't really get it all the way out of people.

They're like, yeah, okay, you're not a pain in the ass, but what do you, you know, maybe you are. My question is, should I have sex with this woman and try my hardest not to develop feelings for her? You will get her pregnant. That's the depth that they're willing to go. Pick out a baby name. Before you start having sex with this girl,

pick out a baby name before you start having sex with this girl. Pick out a baby, find an AI that will generate you a little baby child and name that baby, make it look like you and then imagine spending the next 20 years of your life with that baby and this psychotic woman that said you beat her. Or be prepared to beat her because that's what she wants. If she's going around talking about getting, making up stories about getting beat, it's because she wants to be beaten.

If you're not willing to do that, don't start dating her again. It sounds bad what I'm saying, but it's because their brains are scrambled and fucked up. So they say shit like that. Just like there are men who legitimately want to beat women, there are women that legitimately want to get beat. They're fucked, both of them are fucked up and sick.

Well, Eurythmics had a song about that, right? Some of them want to be used. Yes, exactly. Sweet dreams, man. That was when music was like good, not wet ass pussy. God. Well, you don't like Steve's Lava Chicken, man. That song's a banger. That is a banger.

It actually is, you're right. Are they still messing up theaters, kids? Half of me hopes so, half of me hopes not. Yeah, I really want to be a part of that. I like that there's so much hype around something that people are like excited. Whether it's for the meme or whatever, cool. Yeah. And then I'm like, I think about it and I'm like,

man, I'd hate to walk through that fucking mess afterwards. Like, cause then once the show, once that part's over, Yeah. it's not like it's gonna happen, it's not like a sustained thing. It's like a once and now it's like, oh now everything's fucked. I love that people like, they're acting like adults about it. No these guys are like Oh, I can't believe they'd make a mess like that like shut the fuck up. No see I got the goddamn popcorn Right. Well, that's what I think is great. I just personally don't want to walk through all of it afterward. That's right. Yeah

Thing I understand I understand She says it she oh, yeah, my is, should I cut off all contact with her and try the luck with other girls at school or whatever else? Oh buddy. No, you should fuck her. Yeah. Figure it out though. Figure out your Machiavellian plan to have total control.

Go all the way. Go into this being the bad guy. Call her fat afterwards too. Yeah, say sure I'll fuck you, you fat whore. Fat ho. Don't even give her all the letters. Just give her two. Oh yeah, they broke up because they weren't having sex often enough. Yeah, dude, because she wants the shit kicked out of her.

Like, that's... Code cracked. If you want to have sex with her again, you got to be able to provide. She's also going to move five hours away to college in August. And I'm currently 17 years old, graduating a year early from high school and attending a small tech school next year. I said I was in college in previous emails because I was using your strategy of constantly lying.

Smooches for Johnny. Oh, she's moving away in five hours. Well, what will probably happen is you will fuck her and develop feelings for her, and then she's gonna go get railed in college in August by a bunch of guys that kick the shit out of her. So I'm gonna tell it to you straight since you're young. Usually I fuck with people and give them bad advice

on purpose because they're adults, but you're not. Don't do it, cut your dick off before fucking this girl. Yeah. Don't do it. Yeah. Don't waste your life, man. Or just pick your kid's name out. Call the kid, um, pick your kid's name out and it better be abused by, it better sound something that abused by mom. Mm-hmm is gonna

Sound good with I don't know what that name is, but pick a nice serial killer name for your son. Mm-hmm Because that's what you're making with this insane woman, okay, that's it everybody Enjoy the enjoy your lives. Try not to take everything too seriously Patreon.com slash a dick show check out theP episode. Come to the live show in Boston. It's going to be great. Johnny's going to see if he can come. Come at the live show, even.

Ready. F***. Oh. I feel like when Vito's melting down like that, I feel like the South Park with Kanye With like Carlos, with that I'm Carlos Mencia Can you just get it, man? Can you just, please, why don't you just get it, man?

Please just get it I was reading some, they were in the Discord posting Vito's screenshots And he's telling people, he's on Facebook, arguing on Facebook Oh, that's a, oh, come on. Arguing on Facebook. He's like, I'm just, I want a professional, you know, there's a level of professionalism. And in my head, I started reading it in Maddox's voice.

I'm like, oh no, man, no. The dimensional merge is happening, man. Stop, stop. No one gives a shit, dude. We gotta turn him into Krang crank like Maddox's head Crank like no one cares about this shit, man It's like a it's just a kind of a silly comedy show It's not like

We don't have like pyrotechnics and stuff. It's just a goofball. It's a goofy comedy show where people shout shit and like really, really, really mean spirited making fun of people. Like really mean. That's the whole point. Yeah. Okay. Hey, I got an idea for you.

New modest proposal. Okay. Kanye West must have a fucking warehouse full of those Nazi shirts Let's give them to the homeless. Let's do it right. Yeah Close it's cold out here. Let's fucking close some of these homeless and fresh in gay Nazi shit Regalia I saw sneak I saw Sneeko and Kanye hanging out. And I'm like. You're gonna hold the hope to close the home with

and not do regalia? How about that? That sounds awesome. Great idea. And part of me was like, it's kind of nice that these two gay black men can just like hang out and let it out and just, you know, hate women, talk about Jews.

Like, you know, I don't know, maybe I'm getting sentimental, but I was like, you know, good for them. Good for them, yeah. Myron from that guy from Fresh and Fit, who's also gay, maybe I'm getting sentimental. But I was like, you know, good for them. Good for them, yeah. Myron, that guy from Fresh and Fit who's also gay. Oh, shit, yeah. Was talking about it. I'm like, it's kind of nice that you gay black guys can hang out.

They're finally finding their niche in it all. Yeah, they're in denial. I mean, kind of. Sucking dicks and stuff. All right. Cool. Hey, The Dick Show. I just wanted to leave a voicemail for a name recommendation for your prodigy. How about Aloe-Wish-us?

I'm not joking. Terrence Aloe-Wish-us. That's a strong name. Al. Terrence Aloe-Wish-us. Middle name Bundy. Aloe-Wish-us? Aloe-Wish-us.

What kind of? Sounds a little gay. Aloysius. Aloysius. I never heard that voice. Aloysius, these nuts in my mouth. In your mouth. Hey Dick, hey Johnny. I got some advice for that guy trying to make friends in the city.

He's probably fucking it up in a number of ways. So let me just suggest three quick changes. Number one, join a club. It's a weekly thing or even more than that where you're going to see the same people over and over again. You have a chance to actually get to know them as opposed to just a one-off metal show. Plus, that's like a built-in interest you can have in common, which is also the entire point of a friendship besides making money.

So without that, you're just some random guy trying to like, yeah, like you said, go on a date with other men. You need a shared interest and you need to build it up over time. So that's number one. Number two, move to a good part of town. He probably is maximizing for like rent savings or something.

Oh, that's true. Get some foot traffic. Before going out and you're like having fun, it's just a better scene. And number three, shit. Number three's probably gonna come to me right after I hang up, but I can't think of it right now. Anyways, uh... Great job, idiot.

Hahahaha! Number three, remember what the fuck you were gonna say. That was probably the most important one too. Hahahaha! Alright, I mean, I don't think that needed to be a minute and a half join a club Move to a better part of town. There you go. Yeah, good advice. That's good advice I bet number three though is probably lose weight Yeah

Hey, Simon in on the girl five dating and her girls email chain thing My girlfriend straight up first time we hung out. I fucking cried in front of her like I was like expression expressing my appreciation for my friend. It was like you know and COVID and whatnot. So you know everyone was feeling a little bit weird. But you know I was like deeply appreciative of my friends and how they held me through it blah blah blah blah blah., blah, blah. I was even, you know, I fucking cried in front of her. And for some reason, that got her, they got her juices flowing. So, no, you really, again, Dick said it.

Women are fucking weird. They're degenerates. Like, they make the strength, like, you know, either they, okay, I'm not gonna get into that. He's gonna start crying right now. Good luck. Yeah, hang up. That's why he hung up, because he's starting to cry. What do you mean crying in front of your girlfriend?

What the fuck? The first time you ever hung out with her. Fuck are you talking about? Sick. Sickening. I need a Judge Dredd helmet for that. I need to... Ugh. So your boyfriend really liked you crying in front of him.

Jesus. Alright. So your boyfriend really liked you crying in front of them. Jesus. Alright. Yeah, delete that one. Here's one. Oh, I like the title. Yo, you should for real end the biggest problem with your two dick shares a week, because I'd much rather give you double the money than have fucking Vito get any money from

me ever again. Wow. I hate that fat fucking fat. Oh, no. We got a bleed. He called me that. I hate that fucking. Oh no, we got to believe he called me that. He called you that the callers saying it. I couldn't believe he called you that. Hey, Dick. Hey, Johnny. I'm listening to the W ATP T-T-P-T-D-S crossover at all my fucking god. This has been the most repulsive one yet Yeah

Just the fact that you have the gall to put the video up Next to you guys of them talking about how they're fucking fat and horny Made me fucking gag on my way to like whatever side I'm going to today Fucking break place, whatever fucking disgusting Dad on my way to like whatever side of going to today Whatever fucking disgusting like I'm horribly repulsive. Oh my god. It's so gross. What the fuck? Sorry, but it had to be done. I'm gonna watch this episode Oh, it's amazing and they laugh they have that fat laugh like I'm so horny. Okay. Cool.

Funny. That's fat. The waddle too. I'm horny. Jesus Christ. I take some advice from one guy with a pregnant wife to another. Okay. You better start getting that boom while you can, man.

Excuse me? Get to 35 to 40. That shit becomes scarce. I kind of find water in the Sahara. And after now man What the fuck In time what the fuck are you talking about poon? Disgusting I

Demand more respect than that I I won't be talked about like that. Fucking... I put a lot of work into the show. You're gonna come and just say that? You're gonna say poon to me? That's disgusting. I demand I quit. I'm gonna be fucking sick right now. I'm quitting. That's it. That's the end of the show today because of that. Headphones off. That's it. I'm gonna be fucking sick right now. I'm quitting. That's it, that's the end of the show today because of that. Headphones off, yeah. That's it. I'm quitting.

I demand to be respected more than what you are showing me, the voicemailer who said poon. I just think it would be so funny if you put a cardboard step in and just waited for him to storm out and fall straight through. Like a Japanese game show? Yeah. Or he's trying to storm out and all the steps turn angled and he slides back down. He was so upset. I thought it was a sugar crash but then when you mentioned it was started since Wednesday I was like man

sugar deficit. Well cuz he like here's the crazy thing Vito posted a page of his comic Everyone's pissed everyone's pissed at the comics taking so long and they're also just like waiting to fuck with him You know because it's fun to fuck with people. Oh, yeah, he built up a lot of steam and a lot of people bro We've been like just terrorizing comics people for like two years I think he would have picked up on that by now. Yeah, here, I'll show you the page. Let me see.

Let me see if anybody has the page. But he posted this. Here's the crazy thing. So on the episode we're doing, on Friday, we're making fun of this guy's comic that he just posted, the yellow flash, that he just posted and it's bombing, right? And we bring up the preview page and we're making fun of this guy's comic that he just posted, the yellow flash, that he just posted and it's bombing, right? And we bring up the preview page and we're making fun of the preview page because it's not exciting, there's nothing happening, there's no words, like there's

no content. We're going through why this is such a shitty preview and somebody pointed out on Twitter that it's the, he did the exact same thing with this preview page that he posted, which he was just excited about thing with this preview page that he posted, which he was just excited about and wanted to post it. But still, you know, it's bound to happen. This was the page that, this was the page that caused all these issues. Oh man.

This one. It's like, yeah, I mean, it's cool that you're getting it done, but nothing's really happening here. Of course people are gonna pick on it Because there's nothing to gravitate to rip comic book man Yeah, so they're like this is the this is the issue I was gonna I was just gonna make fun of this on the show I didn't intend it to be like a huge meltdown. I thought it'd be funny to pick on this but

You know life just doesn't really work like you want it to sometimes. You know, funny thing about that. Pfft. So here's the one shot, right? He's yelling at this girl. This fat guy is yelling at this lady. And then he's really upset here. So the background's all... Like, you see the background here?

That it's like a wall and a diner? Yeah. Okay, then he gets really upset. And it's like a black behind him. Like he's upset. And then he's talking about something, but it must be the diner that they're in. He must be talking about it,

because it's like obviously like a cutout, right? And then here, he's back to talking, yelling at her, but the background's totally different. You see this? Yeah. See this? Yeah. Yelling at her, freaking out, shouting outside,

and then yelling at her again, and the background's totally different. So people are like, why the fuck is the background? Like of all the things that I've, that we've picked on for two years, that is exactly something we would pick on. And we have a lunchbox, there's a yo-yo around here, somebody's a Vito plushie with Super Killer logo hat. Look this to this.

Look he's standing standing standing Standing she's standing arms crossed standing So why is the background different like when I saw him jumps off the wall? But that Then every it's like you're fucking stupid if you don't know why that's different Like it just looks odd that it's a different background You know what, Dick? The thing is, is not all of us are uh, such supreme intellectuals

We can understand our- I guess so! Why the fuck is it different? Did I- Did I put this on the camera right? This is... Uh... There. Is that right? Am I getting it right? This is... Uh... There. Is that right?

Am I getting it right? There, there, there. Okay, now everyone can see it. Okay. There. The kind of comic panel that would make someone risk an assault charge. You know? I just want to know why it's different and not be called stupid! I just want to know why it's different and not be called stupid. I've read a comic before. I know it's like, okay. All right. So there's a wall there.

All right. And then, huh, why is the, why is it the wall different? Did they teleport someone to another? Is there like, is the enemy like wall man and he's in disguise and he's pre- pretending to be the wall behind them? You better watch out for the wall. But I don't want to catch a charge, you know? And cause a big problem.

I'm just wondering why the background's different. Are they sliding while they're talking? Is the floor greased up and they're sliding over? You know what? It's like one of those airport floors. Oh! Maybe, well maybe! It's like a people moving floor. Maybe. What happened?

Pro tools. It died? It's back. Oh, it's back. It has that, something's wrong with the clock, I think. I don't know. It happens sometimes. So that's what started the arguing.

And then I woke up and there was still arguing. I'm like, ah, that's not good. You woke I woke up and they were still arguing. I'm like, ah, that's not good. This morning they were still arguing. Like, what is going on? I just want to know why it's different. Are all the, is every background like a, is it like a zany kind of game where every background's a different background? It's the warrior wear of comic books. We, 10,000% would have made fun of anybody else doing that.

Well, absolutely. And the whole point of making fun of other people of it is going, this is what to fix. This is what to correct. This is what not to do. And it seems like he took all of that to heart as, like, what to do. I'm not going to fix it.

All right. Well, OK. OK, yeah, that's a huge part of it, is definitely be in denial about what a big piece is like. I don't care if yeah, we don't care if it's fixed I or whatever your ass man Whatever I hope it comes out soon I Hope so. I don't think we can take anymore. Yeah All right. Goodbye everyone. This is fucking

See you at hackamania Watch out for comically large scissors everyone bring your duck calls to hackamania bring your duck calls bring fake Monoxidil that's actually Nair instead It's Riley gonna replace vetoes Monoxidil gel with Nair? That would be... Was that his game? That would be fucking funny. Come out with a bunch of third degree scalp burns. Oh, goddamn. Alright, that's it. Unbelievable.