The Dick Show - Episode 46 - Dick on Camping

Episode Date: April 18, 2017

Joshua Tree, my plan for Philly, selling t-shirts, folding tents, friendly Australians and their drive-by G'days, the true test of camping, "Sean answers", Peach demonstrates how to hug properly, Coach eats some chocolate, bad wedding toasts, my The_Donald AMAA, Coach borrows my parents' truck, Peach "finds" my diary, 80s girl saves someone's life, more laugh tracks, Maddox's book title: the Biggest Rehash in the Universe, and all of Los Angeles loses its internet; all that and more this week on The Dick Show! Read more at dick.show

Yeah Welcome to dick you want to take a knee dick you love dick. It's the only show Welcome to dick! You want to take a knee dick? You love dick? It's the only show! Where everything is a contest coming to you live, sort of, sort of live from a bunker, a concrete bunker in the side of a mountain, in the city of failure. I'm your host, Dick Masterson.

With me is always a shun. Hello, dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? The only show where you can catch the audio. Wise cracks and zingers of Sean, the audio engineer with me also today. It's Peach Saliva, the lovely, the beautiful, the twitchy, game playing, Peach Saliva, who may or may not have OCD issues that we're going to get into. Okay, first of all, hello today. Secondly, that's hurtful. I don't have OCD. Although

I did learn a lot about myself after, uh, I get hurtful. Plenty of, not genuinely hurtful. Don't you know that all geniuses, all of them, all are completely socially maladjusted. So you should, if anybody ever criticizes you for being weird or different, it's only because of how smart you are. If you're a missing thrope, if you're totally unable to function in society,

it's because you're so fucking smart. That's why. Because the world, because people operate like a Dungeons & Dragons game. This is like where you take a person and you give them a limited amount, you have a limited amount of points for strength and wisdom and being able to shower properly and being able to have a conversation that's not about video games. And you know, you understand what I'm saying. All right, these compliments are, this is what people, this is what people think. So when they say you have something massively wrong with you. You think, wow, it must be because they're so fucking smart.

Because never in the history of the world has anybody just been smart and also normal. The contest, go ahead, what? Oh, no, no, I was just going to agree with you. I think that's true. I think I am brilliant. Yes. I'm brilliant. You're so brilliant.

No, you're absolutely right. You cannot bathe. You can't take a bath. I dare you. It's not like I don brilliant. Yes. You're so brilliant. I'm so brilliant. No, you're absolutely right. You cannot bathe. You can't take a bath. That's out. It's not like I don't. It's not like I don't clean myself. I take a shower all the time. I just don't like to lay down in the shower and bathe.

Right. All of these, all of these quirks are a mark of super intelligence. This is like a guy. You are sniping me. You fucking, I swear to fucking God. I was like, hey, we're, we were, we were walking up a mountain together, what, two days ago. Some time ago. You are still.

And I was like, I was like, I had a bunch of commandments up there. Yeah. I had left up there last time I'd walked up the mountain. I needed to get them. Right. I left a bunch of them up there. Because the first round, the first 10 weren't clear enough. Yeah, I hate Peacha here on this table.

It says thou shalt shower. Oh, it's you guys are acting like a dog. Today is also my life coach. Coach, welcome back to the program. Thank you. Last time you were here, we thought someone was going to kill themselves. Yeah, I was a little wife.

Live on air. Let's do better this time. Yeah, better this time. Let's make sure he goes through this time. We fucked up. Let's do better this time. Let's make sure he goes through that time. We fucked up. That's on us. Because our instinct is to protect the guy. We don't know if he's a good guy.

You know what I'm saying? Maybe he's the worst guy on the whole fucking world. Maybe he's the smartest man in the world. I'm so bad. He's such a criminal. He's eating, eating people and doing shoving bath salts up his ass and he can't, he doesn't know how to RSVP.

He sends people e-vites all the time, and he's so smart. He's so, it makes me such a rage. Like that smart people also have to be fucked. Oh, well, if you're so smart, how are you fucked? Or are you not that smart? Can you say that in the form of a, can you screw up the grammar on that so I can understand what you're saying?

I'm drunk. What did I say? You said, how am I not fucked? Oh, wait, how, how are you fucked because you think you're so smart. So if you're so smart and all smart people are fucked, how are you fucked? PJ, I don't think I'm so smart. Oh, you don't. No.

Well, also him, how fucked he is a self-evident. Yeah. It's directly because you'll't. No. Well, also him, how fucked he is a self-evident. Yeah. It's directly proportional to his Patreon number. It's my alcoholism. It's like, you know what, if you ever heard of alcoholism, this term, I created it. Lick or head. No, that's, well, that's having a liquor dependency, like a pot head. That's a charming.

But I created this term called alcoholism, which is, it's like you've heard of Cubism and surrealism and pointalism. It's a beautiful work of art that I do with alcohol that I call my life. And that's why the emphasis is on a different syllable. Oh, you're not. Yes. Alcoholism. Alcoholism. Pointalism. It's an art movement. I'm the Pablo Picasso. It's not jism. It rhymes too. What are you talking about? Why are you wrecking my whole thing about, I'm the Pablo Picasso of alcoholism. You're fucking sabotaging me.

It's just me. To make me look like I've got some crazy OCD when I'm just, I'm particular. It's different. I'm particular. I know neither one of you have been in improv in a while, but it's yes and. Stop detracting.

Yeah. Stop detracting. Sorry. I got excited. So we got Philly. in a while, but it's yes and stop attracting. Yeah. Stop attracting. Sorry. I got excited. So we got Philly. This episode is going to come out on Tax Day. I'm not going to talk about taxes because when we do the road rage Philly show,

that's all I'm going to talk about for three hours. Right. Just taxes, taxation is theft, and I'm going to bring up, I'm going to print out the federal budget of everything, every line item that all of your tax money goes to. And I'm just going to read right down the list. It will be the worst show ever performed. But it needs, it needs to be said, Sean.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to 380 people are going to be there. They're flying in from all around the world. And I'm just going to totally fuck everyone over. Is that the number? Yeah, 380 people. It's pretty damn good.

It's amazing. It turned out we needed the the trocadero after all. No shit. I've been pronouncing it like a like a shithead. It's trocadero. It's trocadero. Where are you pronouncing it? What was it trocadero?

No, I was pronouncing it like. I was pronouncing it. I was pronouncing it troc. I was pronouncing it trocadero. It sounds like a Spanish trocadero, doesn't it? Yes, but that's only cardolo. I was pronouncing it. Troca d'arro. It sounds like a Spanish card, though, doesn't it? Yes, but that's only one of those we live in Los Angeles. Well, I know, but is it like, it's like Amorillo, Texas, where it's like, it's really Amorillo, but you know, you'll get killed if you say Amorillo, because it's still.

I don't know. I don't know. You think it was originally a Spanish word you're saying, and it's silly. Well, no, the truck, truck, truckadero. It sounds, it sounds, it sounds, it sounds hard. If you pronounce it with a long oh, it sounds Spanish. Yeah, it sounds big, sorry, anyway. 300 Nadez sold the truckadero.

I'm not gonna do that stupid tech shit that I was talking about. Peach, you're gonna, you're gonna be there, right? Looks like it, yeah. Don't, you, me, you don't say all those shogos. Where are you, why are you, what you think? When you and Sean, you every you every Sean every time I ask you lump me into this You if hey is 11 is 11 a.m. Sunday good to record it should work But I get back every time

God damn you Sean give me a hard give me a yes or a you yes. But now I know, now I've adjusted in my mind. What are you checking me? You fact checking me? Yeah, oh boy. You snopes, fact checking me? Good luck getting on the internet. I do that sometimes. You gonna fact check me?

I do that sometimes. I'll talk while you fact check me. Good. Facts, facts, facts. Well wait a minute, wait a minute, how am I? I would say, no, I'm not really gonna do it. Because he said it looks like it. Oh, yeah, I should be there. But I do say it should be there.

I will say it should be there. You're gonna be there. Because everybody's gonna be listening to this on the way to the show. True. Gearing up to see you. Me? Yes.

And if you're not there, they're gonna be massively disappointed. Wow, thank you. So I need a hard, yes to hammer it in. You've seen, if you're a Patreon, you've seen the top third of Peach, come see the rest of her at the Trockadero in Philly today, Tuesday, tax day, taxation is theft, road rage Philly.

I've got more, there are more shirts there. I ordered, I ordered hundreds of shirts. So we could get in the black on this event. You understand? Cool. Because the truck put us back, us, the royal us back about 2K. And then as soon as I announce that as soon as I announce, I get a text from a stereos, hey, with this amount of money, could I spend this amount of money on, you know, train

Trains and hotel and I want to buy a real real real fancy Santa outfit and I've got to get all these Press. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's when the that's when the money starts the invoices start flying in right? Yeah, the pre-in voices. I'm like, well, yeah, that'd be a funny, that'd be a good show. Yeah, now you, that's a good show. We got to get sound guys in here, right? To make the whole thing, I can't have Sean like a Sherpa dragging all of this shitty audio equipment that never works. We can do it. Well, I already paid the guy. Yeah. So I don't know.

You just, you know what, you need to do? I'm gonna talk to him. No, don't talk to him. Talk at him. Talk at him. Stand above, stand over his shoulder, the whole time he's doing and just bark orders at him. Are there some tickets at the door? I wanna make sure you record that. At the truck, yes.

Good question, coach. Thank you, that's why you're the live coach. Peach, beady beats is gonna be performing. He's a DJ at the truck, he's gonna be performing. Then I think we're just gonna get right into it. Get right into it. Cause I wanna get his, we're gonna have stereos. It's gonna be performing. Then I think we're just gonna get right into it. Because I wanna get is my, we're gonna have a stereo. It's gonna go a long time.

I mean, this is like an event. This is an event, Sean. What time is it gonna start? Do we know any of this stuff? The doors, okay, the doors open at 7 p.m. Okay. That's when the doors open, that's when you can get in there

and start buying t-shirts. Don't. You skip the bar, you go right to the t-shirt. As many as you can carry, like pretend that you're looting, right? Except you're also paying. You've got to make sure to pay, but at the same, you can pretend that you're looting them at the same time. As many as you can carry, they make great graduation presents and going back to school presence and Halloween presence. That's the thing that I'm trying to start with these t-shirts and Thanksgiving day presents and Christmas presents of course. Baby showers. Baby showers. Baby unshawers.

I don't know if they have that. Like sorry, it didn't work out for you kind of shower. Holy shit. That's dark weddings, both gay and straight weddings. They're the perfect, these dick show shirts are the perfect item for all of these events and they're gonna put us in the black, please fucking got wet. All your non-binary events. Any all of these.

All of your non-binary events. All of your cis and whatever is the other, it can't be unsciss. How do you say, Peter, the closest thing to a socially acceptable person we have in here? What's, if you want to describe someone as not, because cis means normal. So you can't say not cis, because then you're saying it is normal. Well, cis is, yeah, cis, I guess is the term cisgendered person is the term for a non-transgendered person.

And then a transgendered person is a transgendered person. And then a non-binary person is a transgendered person. It just sounds so normal when you say it. You're just saying that whole thing. I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. I say, wait a minute. Like, wait a minute.

I want that same spiel delivered by like a drunken hobo. I'm like, okay, yeah, that sounds about right. So what is it? All your cis events? Trans. Trans. Trans and non-binary, or I guess under the umbrella, you could genderqueer.

Why don't we get to pick our own term? Why don't we get to pick cis? What? I don't know, man. What are your terms? I thought you were saying cis to the whole time. That's what we are to them, Sean. Just cis, cis on the world. Sean, you're ignorant. I's what we are to them, Sean. This cysts on the world.

Sean, you're in the heart. This is a terrible one. It does, it's setting us all back. Anyway, I can't wait to see everybody there. We're gonna have peach is gonna read. You've talked me into it. I guess I surely will be there. Thank you.

I talk a good day. You did. Persuaded me. Thank you. We're gonna have a rage off. We're gonna be pulling people up to get their rage off. I don't know how many contestants, so not not everybody. Not everybody's gonna get a crack just the guys who buy the most shirts And they're gonna let loose right and I have I got the most beautiful

sash for the winner of the road rage. Filly. I don't know why I'm so proud of this fucking sash that I brought, but I like, I felt like a, like a 10 year old doing like a project, like a diorama. When I had this sash ordered from a bright, first of all, I ordered it from a bridal place, like a custom bridal wear. And I'm like, oh, this bitch, she's got to make a sash for the opposite of the kind of thing that she usually makes sash as for. A good thing, thank God, my, my freedom to purchase items, no matter what the business owners objections to them are, are being protected by the activist Supreme Court.

See, that's the kind of political ransom. I'm going to be going off on at taxation is theft. Sean, if you want to preview tonight at the truck, Dustin's going to be there too. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. What's he going to do? Is he in disguise? I think he's, I think he's planning on getting hanged. Oh my God. No, he's going to be taking some questions, okay. Helping out. I don't want to, I don't know if I can get into what he's going to be up to because he asked me to keep quiet about it. Cool. I don't know. He's got something planned.

Sure, that's going to be a nice, respectful type of a fairer. I think it will be. Well, how much do you know about what he's planning to do? Everything. Oh, you do, OK. He's going to be doing questions, getting guys with questions in the audience to get up there. Coach, I wish you were there.

So you could drop some of your wisdom. You didn't wish it enough. I don't know. Plane ticket. Had Bill just keep the bill kept climbing and the shirts in my mind. We're like Scrooge McDucks vault with all the shirts spilling out of it. That I got a cell to get this event in the black. You understand what I'm saying? Come to the next one. And the next one will be you and Mad Cux.

That'd be about that. That's a good one. Speaking of which best, best, the best book in the universe.com and Mad Cux. That'd be a fun one. We'll see about that. That's a good one. Speaking of which best, the best book in the universe.com by Mad Cux coming out, I think in July sometime. You go, I think if you go to that URL, the best book in the universe.com, it'll actually let you buy it there. Someone had the foresight to pick that up before they announced their book.

Yeah. It's a quick turnaround. How far into it, Izzy? You know what's funny about Mad Cux's book? So coach, do you know what happened here? No. The Real Maddocks. Oh, yes, I do know.

I know. I do know that whole thing. He had his book title, the best book in the universe in mind for probably 10 years. The domain dickhead, Dominic. Swoop did and just picked it. He picks up domains. Like he's got that mutant power

where if you say an idea, he's already got it in his portfolio, like the ultimate fuck you. Like I would, I've done that before. I would trade like body parts for the right domain, you know? It's that sinking feeling, it's the worst fucking feeling and then you go to it and they're running nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Redirecting it to a tumbler.

Yeah. Just register it for 10,000 years, I guess. It's gone. So he had the best book in the universe.com inexplicably. Maddox changes his book to fuck whales. Stupid. Is it fuck whales or fuck whales? Actually, it's F. Asterisks C.K fuck whales. Actually, it's F-asterisks, C-K whales.

So it could be thick whales, it could be fat whales, it could be fuck whales, we don't know. We don't know. Really. You're saying, is it about having sex with whales? Like, is it like a fuck whale or is it like fuck whales? Do you know what I mean? Oh, a fuck whale. Like a fuck whale.

Of course. Yes. Like someone who is so, they're so big and boisterous that they pull in all of the women to them. A fuck whale. Is what you call them. Their personality is so big and larger than life or their show like Dan Bill Zarian is a fuck well, like, because all the women are always coming to him.

Is that what you're calling it? I suppose, I mean, I don't know, I just, I don't know, I'm just trying to make you joke, or, no, it wasn't a joke, it was a genuine question. All right, all right, so that's what we're doing at the track, Adirro. Let me tell, I'm really amped up today because not what six hours ago,

I was doing perhaps the most frustrating activity because not what six hours ago. I was doing perhaps the most frustrating activity known to man. And we've all done it. There's no explanation for why it exists and we have to do it. But it is the act of taking a tent and putting it back in the bag. And there is nothing, there is nothing on earth more frustrating than that. I've,

I will watch an ex-girlfriend leave a bar with an exact duplicate of me. And I accidentally saw his penis in the bathroom and it's bigger than mine and that's less frustrating than trying to fold up a tent Perfectly and stick it back in the goddamn bag Hmm, am I am I am I buying the wrong tents? Or is this is I went camping I went camping with peach and 80s girl This weekend of a Joshua tree And if you have you ever been to Joshua tree? Years and years ago.

You've come to your vintage Joshua tree. I don't not that I remember. I was, I guess, a lot of people don't remember their trips to Joshua tree. That's kind of what it's for. That's what I thought. Like, I don't know what exactly I thought. I'd just go out and do acid out there.

That's what I thought it would be like a like a like a like a Disney land, but for drug use and spiritual. Like I thought it would be like a like a like a like a Disneyland, but for drug use and spiritual like I thought there would be like a mascot like Ayahuasca, the unicorn running around handing out pacifiers and hits of Mali, but it's like a regular national park. Yeah. There was nothing. There was nothing inherently trippy about it. No. Well, jokes on me, I guess. That's what I thought it would be. I thought we were gonna be seeing space coyotes

and painting the air with our minds. Space coy, is that the Simpsons? What with a play by Johnny Cash? I don't know, man. Yes, yes, it is. Yeah, that's where I got that. Space coyotes, it wasn't like that. So here, and I'll tell you something about camping

that I figured out this weekend. Camping is not the test of man against nature. You know what I'm saying? It's not about that. Camping is actually, it's the test of whether or not you can yell at your loved ones. Hmm. You understand what I'm talking about

because when you're trying, when you're trying to put up the tent in what, 50 miles an hour winds. Yeah. And you've got your loved one and her friend opposite you and you're trying everything you need you're working every limb like the boy trying to plug his hole in a dike in whatever country that story is

yeah. And you give the simplest instruction of just push on the pole a little bit and she hears yeah sure let me just yank on it. Let me just pull on this thing. Like I'm pulling Excalibur out of the stone and the entire tent collapses. The whole pole goes to fuck and it starts stabbing through that impossibly thin canvas on that tent and you just think,

no, I'm not gonna yell at you for doing because what would that do? Hmm. Make you feel all much better. It would make you. But would it, Sean, because how much yelling can a man do at the women and he love at the children, at women and children that he loves at his friends and family? That's what camping is. It's like the opposite of Zen, like you'll go to a Zen garden and you'll sit there and no one will fuck with you. But when you

go camping, everybody's fucking with you all the time, all the time, page, what happened when we got there. And I was unloading the stuff I spent I spent all morning and all week assembling the camping gear The tent the cooler the propane heater for the tent The extra tarp and I'll tell you something about this tarp and cramming tents back into bags The whole bag situ I don't know why the bag has to be exactly the same size as the tent because you can't get it in. And if you think you got it in, you're probably, it's because you left a bunch of other shit. We get to, we get to Joshua

tree. And I unload my tightly packed bag that looks like it's pregnant with seven tents somehow because it's bursting at the goddamn seams. I pull it all out and there's no rain fly. And well, terrific because it was so goddamn tight, it was so goddamn hard to cram this thing, just like sleeping bags. So goddamn hard to cram everything back in the bag that I probably just threw the rain fly in the trunk. And now it's who knows where it is it's gone. So why didn't I just throw it right in the trash? Why didn't I just why is there such a thing as a tent that is not disposable de facto

that you just wad up and throw in the garbage or just throw into the fucking air and let the Rangers deal with it. Instead of going around knocking on tents at seven in the fucking morning, asking you if this is all your, if this, hey, is any, this is what the Rangers did to me at Joshua Tree. Hey, is anybody in this tent? I am, man, it's seven in the fucking morning and there's about 70 beer bottles on the picnic bench. What the fuck do you think is happening in this tent? I yeah, man, it's seven in the fucking morning and there's about 70 beer bottles on the picnic bench. What the fuck do you think is happening in this tent?

The worst hangover in the world, just like a dragon that you just woke up is in this tent. What is your fucking problem? Is this not what happened? It's absolutely what happened. And this asshole wrench, because okay, well, you got trash blown around everywhere. You gotta get up and clean it up. Oh, he also said, he, well, you got trash blowing around everywhere. You got to get up and clean it up.

He also included, and there's some varmants ate your food. Eight your food. Which was terrifying. Some varmants, that was terrifying. Well, I thought that he ate all of the food, the varmant. Like, got into the cooler. That's what he made it sound like. He's like, I'm trying to get the shish-gobam.

I don't know, use the grill, I don't know. And what did I say when he said that? That motherfucker probably has never put in a tent. I'm glad Trump cut all their funding. That guy waking me up at seven in the fucking morning to tell me I left some trash out. Well, so what? So I'll pick it up in like an hour, dude.

Get the fuck out of here. But that's how they get you. Well, you're sleepy before you've had a chance to start drinking again. Yeah, exactly. What did I say? The over under on how much trash is blowing around?

Oh, you took a guess. You were like, I bet there's three cups rolling around and there were there were exactly three cups. Three cups. Yeah. It caused me to get woken up out of my slumber. Yeah, but the varmins, who knows what the varmins did, the rest of it.

Well, they did with the varmins allegedly. It was the varmins that got into my cups. Yeah, it wasn't my fault. Yeah, exactly. We left out some hot dog buns and there was like a tiny little like bite hole through the plastic. That's about it. Anyway, we're gonna have the rain fly.

So I had a duct tape, a tarp. Did it rain? No, but it would be freezing. Well, it's like freezing up there. It was so windy. You know, yeah, it was extremely windy. So this tarp was flapping and beating against the tent all night. Like the wind spirit was just jerking off against the tent.

Bap, bap, bap, bap, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all fucking night. You know, I did figure out though. I think I figured out why I always have to fight with Australians. Why is that? You know how that's my thing? Did you fight with Australian? Coach, you never met Australians?

There was an Australian area, usually pissing me off. Yeah, I think it's because, I think it's because they're so friendly. And I take, I either take the friendliness as like aggressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they accent, you're like, I always take it back seat when there are some Australians around. You too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm suspicious, very suspicious. Fucking Dr. Oz comes over. Why did he come over? Oh, very suspicious. Fucking Dr. Oz comes over. Why did he come over? Oh, I know, because while I was loading up my car, what, what? Dr. Oz? Like an Aussie. Yeah, but Dr. Oz.

I thought this was an Australian, who was, who was, you know, he was an ass doctor, I think. That's what he was going at there. He was an ass doctor, Sean. Okay. For his ass exam. Yeah, he'll give you your first ass exam. Yeah, he'll give you your first and second consult.

Dr. Oz, the S doctor. Well, we first encountered him as we had just claimed the campsite and he was walking by and was like, oh, good, I, whatever. And just started talking. Did he say, good, I, whenever. Okay. Shut the fuck up. That's what he said.

Look at that. I'm just looking for my boomerang. You all seen it? I think it didn't go, Maude. Good eye. Good eye. Oh, good day. Oh, then a shrimp on the bobby.

What if he said shrimp on the bobby? What do I fucking mean? He just started talking and I thought, oh, and then he left. But then he came back. Yeah. That was his drive-by to show off the accent. Yeah. That was thought, oh, and then he left. But then he came back when we were back. That was his drive-by to show off the accent. Yeah, that was like, oh, here. That was like, there's those no cruising laws

because dudes and low riders will bump around and just drive by when you're like, and then chicks will go, oh, damn, checking out that low riding car with all the fucking paint all over it. I really wanna have sex with that. What are we thinking? Why do we think, what do we think? Because it's true. Oh, yeah. Because that works. Bigly. Yeah. Because that's awesome. Because women love that and it's fucking true. And I'm going to go

take all the zip ties off of my car and lower it and paint some fucking sick, sick mural of Jesus on the side of it. On your AMA, you said something very profound, I think, is primarily women like, You said something very profound, I think, is primarily women like, you know, you just being into anything. Yeah. Like, you know, it shows that you, I don't know, you were able to get this car running. It's on the road. You have a car that works. Yeah, I think that's true.

So I did, I did an AMA, I did an AMAA at the Donald last week. That stands for Ask Me Anything, Ask Related. Nobody, everybody just asked me anything though. It didn't stick. Yeah. For some reason I'm the Donald, no one wanted to talk about that. It was fun though. Oh, it was great.

That thought it was great. Kind of like 5,000. I liked it because a bunch of listeners of this show, like people following me on Twitter and on Facebook said that as soon as I announced that it was like 20 comments in a row going, how could you do this? Fuck the Donald. I'm banned from the Donald. Fuck you. What?

You're a piece of shit. Yeah, because the Donald's so polarizing and this show is not that polarizing. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Okay. So there's like the extreme polarization of the Donald has that effect on people and the The how the comment threads just devolve into like

Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut, you know over and they do they do like it's funny I read the Donald for the headline and like the top voted comments Yeah, but if you go if you if you wade through it, it's just like a Total shit show it's hilarious. Yeah, it's just like, cuck cuck cuck cuck cuck. I don't know. It's a total shit show. It's hilarious. By the way, I was a Patreon looking though. How about mine? Yeah, it's just a negatively impacted anything. I just know. It looks great.

Well, because it was fun to come and out show with, you know, how could you do this? I just, I, I concerned about the bottom line. Oh, yeah, thank you, Shan. Keep an eye on things. Ah! There's some questions about the direction of the show. What's your last, what did you run that,

what are you a fucking producer now? Run your Reddit appearances by me next year. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. Who would you be with their racism? So I just saw someone who did an AMA yesterday was I love the Jews, you know that every month.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Was the girl that got raped by Roman Planski. Ex- what? Who's now obviously an older woman? Wait, wait, she did an AMAA too? Yeah, yeah, just an AMA. And actually, well, if you know what happened,

the AMAA would have been more appropriate. But she only got like 1,500 upvotes, you killed her. Oh, good. Crusher. Phone out. Good, but that's too big. It's really strikes you. I take that.

I knew you'd like that. What did you, did Roman Plansky get her high on Kueludes? Something to take advantage of? Wine, Kueludes. Wine. Oh, man. Various orifices. Anyway.

Jesus Christ. And, but she was defending him big league. Really? Oh yeah, she said she's why she said, you know, time served and the judge anyone rational would have run instead of face that judge's wrath because the judge it was a total perversion of justice. I don't understand. What do you mean? Oh, it's a long story, but there was gonna be a plea deal, but this judge was doing some fuckery. Oh, yeah, it was like to try to railroad Roman Polanski. Well, I mean, as much as you can railroad a guy who railrode at a 13-year-old, but was she 13?

Wow. 14 or 14. Yeah. All right, well anyway. Dr. Oz does his accent drive by. He did. I bet that was. Well, what was the purpose of that?

Like, because... To get the motor on and you got, you're gonna be, oh, peachy, he sees you like a red-headed flower in the desert, you know? Why? Like an oasis. You've already slept with him. You don't even know it.

Oh, God! Like a beautiful oasis. Like an angelic woman with the wind blowing your hair, perfectly straight hair back. He's like a weird. Like a, like he's in Joshua Tree. He's probably there thinking the same thing I'm thinking. Like this is a drug euphoric wonderland of human connectivity

and spirituality. I'm here to get laid. That's what those are synonymous. And why didn't I mention his girlfriend? And now she had a horrible cold. Now he too had a cold. But didn't- Did we see the girlfriend?

No, we never did. No, we never did. And I thought that was a little suspicious. So this fucking guy, Dr. Oz, does his drive by. Next thing you know, I'm like, I'm gonna be sure about the Bobby. I'm gonna be sure about the Bobby. Good, I like it, I like it, I like it.

Thank you. I'm a bitch. You should have just gone. Queer. I should have been more Australian than him. Yeah. I'll show you when Australian X did. We got a lot of, you know,

all the people who make the music for the show, live in Australia, all those guys, Lecambres, Sam Glames, same way is that right? Yeah, I hope they think that's funny anyway. I know they will Anyway, he does his thing and I'm thinking this is how guys you got you got to get into the mind of no matter What we're always thinking if another guy comes by and he's attractive at all We're just thinking you son of a bitch. You get the fuck out of here I saw you like puff up like you like you were standing there and you saw him and you went like that. You just like a like a like an angry bird. Like a toe.

Fucking like a bearded dragon. No, you look like I guess so. I was trying to think of like a majestic shirt off. I tried to take my shirt off so fast. I got all tangled up in it above my head. I fell over. Good. I get it. Yeah. Freaks me out. I was in the I up in my head. I fell over. Good, I get it, get it, get it. Yeah, freaks me out.

I was in the, I was in the tent, changing my pants. I heard that Australian accent. I got running out and f**king out. Oh no, you will not, you son of a bitch. I don't know what to scream. What are you screaming an Australian guy to stump them? What are they proud of? I think they're what to scream. What are you screaming and I'm screaming, I got it, to stump them. What are they proud of? I think they're scared of sharks.

There's a lot of shark attacks. I'm scared of sharks. I don't know. So I'm unloading the car, as I said. I'm unloading all the stuff that I've been planning. I've been using, putting in my manly endeavors, I've been planning to bring along on this trip. How are all you fucking eyes, these?

The tent, the tent, the tarp, which ended up saving the day, a grill, a bunch of charcoal, firewood, I brought. I brought all these things. I was responsible for bringing them. What else did I bring? You brought everything up. Sleeping bags, multiple sleeping mattresses,

multiple inflatable sleeping mattresses, and then I go, say, these here also, we're gonna eat, I'm gonna grill some stuff up. You got like a, you got a spatula, or anything like that. She's now. No. It's like, well, what did, what have you,

what did you bring? Well, I brought these crop tops. Yeah. And to be fair, I take full responsibility. While you were busy doing that, she and I were trying to pack, but I kept being like, oh, look at my crop top. We want to try it on.

She's like, yeah, try on your crop top. Yeah, you had a big fashion show. We did. While I'm upstairs loading survival equipment. It's my fault. I am the serpent that tempted Eve to try on a crop top. That's completely my fault that we didn't get anything done. That was a bad fun.

No cooking, no cooking implements at all. None. So we said, well, Peach, you better go ask Dr. Oz over there if he's got a spatula. So we could have these, so we could eat some of this food. So I don't have to use my hands like a claw, already drunk on this grill and come to the road rage show with burnt stumps, with gauze wrapped around them,

like I just jacked off a mummy. So can you go get the spatula from this fucking guy, please put on a crop top. Put on a crop, get on. I already had one. Three or four crop tops, because your powers increase as you get the crop tops on. Go ruin his tent.

Yeah, go fuck it. He's all protective, but then when he needs something, yeah, yeah, go flirt, go flirt with the Aussie. Go flirt with him, just ask him. Oh, okay. Ask him in a very threatening way. Please see the mother fucker. Oh, yo, rape, if you don't give me way. Listen to mother fucker.

Oh, yo, rape if you don't give me a spatula. Oh, come on. Yeah, that should be more common. Jesus. Like you should hear about that more, you know. Oh my God. Like every time I hear a guy say, I'm gonna kick your ass if you do.

I wanna, like I wanted the same scenario, the woman like, oh yeah, I'll threaten to say rape. If you do this, I'm like, oh, God. Okay. Anyway, that's not funny. It's not funny, coach. So this guy comes over. I don't know if he, once all the, he has to bring this, oh, that's right, he has to bring

the spatula over himself. Yeah. Impossible that you could have just taken it from them. Right. No, he had to come. It's like Thor's hammer. Yes. It's only he can lift it. So he's got to bring the spatula over. And I'm like, I'm already thinking, oh, you son of a bitch. But now I'm thinking at the same time, maybe he's just extremely friendly. Right. So I'm trying to live. I'm trying to have both of these in mind at the same time during this. I'm lighting the charcoal and lighting the fire. And it says, as I'm lighting the charcoal and it's, you know, it goes, do you like the charcoal and it's, it's, it's

burns and then it simmers down and then it ashes up. Right. He comes over and he's like, I, if you have any trouble loading that, you know, I might take a look at him. Like, man, that's those are, I don't know where you're from, but not starting a fire is considered fighting words in the United States. So I'm going to again give you the benefit of the doubt that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Don't worry about it. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll ask you, just put the spatula down, put your hands up, and walk away from me while I'm cooking up the charcoal.

And you stay there for, yeah, then it came out that his girlfriend was in the RV. Yeah, like right across the street, and I kept being like, where's your girl? Where's your girlfriend? Oh, she's really sick. She's laying down in the RV and, oh, yeah, I don't think she'll come out. Well, then get the hell of here. Yeah, my head. I'm like, why aren't you taking care?

This is a, it's a, this is a BY BY OG party. You bring your own girl. What are you fucking talk? So what is this girlfriend? And they're just being sick. Well, he's on the other side of the street flirting with the most beautiful woman he's probably ever seen. Well, I don't know. I've never been to Australia, but I've heard the women there are not as beautiful as Peach. I don't know. Oh, thank you. That's a very flattering. Anyway, what makes me a rage about that is if I have to hear one more conversation of the differences between Sean two topics in and I was ready to just eat the charcoal and stick a match down my fucking throat so it would burn my head off. Oh, in America, you call it a road, we call it a waslaw's lurch like oh my god dude. Oh my fucking god. You call them kangaroos. We call them dogs We call them sex toys like dude. Oh, this is the no one. This is the worst pulp fiction rendition ever Yeah, that it was it was listenable then because it was the most mundane and worst conversation ever, and you could ever have had by two hitman who should be the most interesting and this guy is on an all fucking night.

Me and 80's girl are sitting huddled around the campfire in a sleeping bag that I brought, that I brought, you didn't bring it, that I brought. While this guy is talking about all the differences, While this guy's talking about all the differences, oh you used dollars, we used Australian dollars. Oh no. Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. You used dollars? Well we also used dollars. What do you think about that?

We also used dollar. What do you think about that? Dollar, he does. Get a lot of that. Get a lot of that. That was boomerangs. He used dollars, we used also dollars. It's my, I feel responsible because I kept talking to him

because I'm very friendly and I like to meet new people. That's a problem. Yeah, and I fucked up, sorry. Oh, so that was the most fucking expensive spatula I've ever, yeah. Oh my God, hours of this. Not worth it. Hours you would rather have stumps for hands, wouldn't ya?

I would have just used a rock. Yeah. You can be friendly or wear a halter top. You can't come in. You cannot be both. That can't be both. I was wearing like four layers though. All of them halter tops.

Each halter top is sexier than the last. Like Mad Cuck's crowns. Everyone was a skimpy or halter top. Oh, each one tricks you into the, what's in the last one? Oh my God. God, you fucked up with that. No, sorry.

We're going to L.A. after this. You're going to your recommendations? Yeah, don't go, man. It's just a shithole. Why do you want to go to L.A.? Megacity one. It's Megacity one, dude. It is the most shit.

And I think like, he thought, because I'm not the most friendly guy in the world You could imagine. I think he thought I was fucking with him. I get there's no reason to go to just skip it Yeah, go down to San Diego. Yeah Hang out with Denzel Go skating around go skate go to a skating rink with Denzel. Mm-hmm pick up his day. Yeah pick up his date right? with Denzel. Pick up his date. Yeah, pick up his date, right? The one with his date.

The one with his date. Denzel, reel him in. You just tag him away. Oh, fucking dammit. And then he left out of the middle of nowhere. I never got closure on that guy. It was really bizarre because I turned away for a moment and I turned back, he's gone. Like like like way with the wind. Maybe he was in fact the space coyote. Yeah, he was the spirit

of the wind that was whacking up on the tent all night. Did you actually see the wind? Whoa. What do you mean? Who knows what was beating off out there? Oh yeah, okay, you know, I see what you're saying. All right, Peach, thanks for coming in. Yeah, my pleasure. Wow, thank you. I'm not glad you're gonna be at the show. Yeah. Well, you, oh, go ahead, sorry.

No, no, no, please go ahead. You usually do an erotic tale. I do. I usually do an erotic tale, and I did indeed. But you're not gonna do that today because you're saving it. I am for the show. For the show.

Yeah, absolutely. This is gonna be fucking great, Sean. Where do you get a load of this? Everybody go into the show. Peace is gonna be reading installment three of her story. You know, that story where she says, awful lies about us, a gay fan fiction, and pretends that-

I'm just meeting what I found. I may be a little late to filly. Late as in dead. It's gonna be, she's gonna read it Yeah, I'm just meeting what I found. I may be a little late to filly. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Late as in dead. It's gonna be, she's gonna read it and it's gonna be illustrated on the big screen at the truck. Yeah.

At the truck. We're calling it the truck. We're calling it the truck now. We're gonna record it. I think we're gonna record it. There's gonna be video recording. There's gonna be an audio recording. I think we're just gonna release the Patreons

because they made it happen. it was a Patreon goal. So I think it might just go straight there is like some kind of quasi bonus episode. I thought about sticking it in to the regular feed. But man, when I'm listening to a podcast and I hear like a live show start, I just go skip. Yeah. Cause it's not the show.

Yeah, it's different. It's different and they don't have control the crowd. But anyway You're not gonna do that. No, I'm saving that for the live show So do you want to tell us what makes you a rage? Sure, all right. Let's hear it What makes me rage are bad huggers? Yeah, people who can't hug I hear that. I know what you're talking about It's like the female equivalent of bad handshake.

Yeah, well, it's everybody. Everybody does that. Everybody, anyone can give a bad hug. Like, like, like, like, there's the hug my mom gives me where it's like just shoulders. It's like just the shoulder. Your mom gives you bad hugs. The fucking worst hugs.

Like, she, she comes up to me, she's like, oh, Paces, comes up to me. Touches our shoulders together, but like, cranes her, like, arches her back, like, like a weird. Like a dog trying to wipe shit off of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she touches.

And then she doesn't even. Man, they just came right out, too, that was. Man, if you want me to insult a woman's posture, I could go all day, all day. I'm like, one of those buttons, you just hit it over and over and over. Like a tombstone, like a dog trying to wipe shit off of its ass, like two camels trying to fuck over and over. Like the hump is so big, you know what I'm talking about?

It's absolutely tough. Double hump, no, no, totally accurate. And then she uses like her windshield wiper hands to like gently scratch it like my shoulder blades. And that's a hug. And just kind of like tap, tap, tap. And like my shoulder blades and that's a hug. And just kind of like tap, tap, tap, and that's it. And that's a hug from my mother. I don't know.

It's very bizarre. But I, like a good hug, like a good hug is like pressed up against, like a bear hug. Bear hug is good. Why are you looking at me like that? Press up against what? What was the, oh, is the, oh, is the end of that sentence? No, like, like, it's good. Why are you looking at me like that? I'm like, what? What was the, Jesus God damn it all. Yeah, what was the end of that sentence? No, like, like, it's okay. Where your crotches aren't like completely,

like super far apart, because that's awkward. That's like a middle school, Catholic school dance, right? Room for the spirit. It's almost a compliment when a woman leaves like three feet of space between your growing. It's like, yeah, good. Maybe my dick is that long. Or maybe she's grossed out.

It doesn't want your crotch near her crotch. Well, maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. You never know. But so like you look on my fake accents. You leave like what? Like this much space between your crotch.

Not too far, but not so close, right? You give a nice warm hug all the way around, right? Okay. Yeah. And then your chest's touched, but not too much. Because if it's too much, like if a man hugged me that closely, like so tightly, I'd be like, he's feeling my tits. Yeah.

And then that makes me suspicious. It's gotta be just right. This guy might be straight. It's gotta be just the right amount of pressure for me to go, oh, what a pleasant one. How often does that happen? How often are guys going for like a, a chance match?

Depends on how many calls are top. All the fucking time, always. I'm really putting myself on a limb here, but how was the hug I gave you when we met? Let's see it again. Let me explain. Yeah. Because I said, oh, should I hug coach?

And you were like, why would you, that's such a weird question? It is a weird question. It is a weird question. But that's why I did it because I wanted to see how you hug coach? And you were like, why would you, that's such a weird question. It isn't a weird question. It is a weird question. But that's why I did it because I wanted to see how you hugged. And it was great. Oh, good. I give it an eight out of 10.

Oh, good. What could he do to get a nine? Closer crashes. No, you hugged me. I met coach today. When we hugged, it was too quick. It was almost like I scared you a little bit. Well, yeah, because you jumped up on him and said,

can I hug you? He's probably been getting, who the fuck is? I got to say it. If I could hug you. Also a guy, it's good. I think it's appropriate, especially for the first hug for the guy to let the woman decide how long that lasts. Yes, that's true.

The worst part, that could go from an eight to a negative two if I hold on a 500 milliseconds delay. I agree. Well, okay, you've had bad hugs, right? You know what that's like, right? Yeah, my sister's the worst hugger on the planet. How is she, how is she a bad hugger? She gets like bamboo sticks and just stands

about 10 feet away from you and slaps you on the side of your arms. The shins. Her hugs are like a form of like Vietnamese, like Vietnam War torturing. And she doesn't, so they're bad hugged. She won't even look you in the eye. Her hugs are like a form of like Vietnamese like Vietnam war torturing And she doesn't so they've got hug She won't even look you in the eye while she's doing it

She just stands 10 feet away and like you want some of it. I have to look someone in the eye when you like whisper sings a song It's a really bad hug and she's known me her whole life. That's what I get. That's the best one she gives out. What kind of witchcraft bullshit is that? That's terrifying. I don't know. She's got two kids.

I don't know what she's thinking. Well, does she like arch her back like a weird dog? Or does she like, Don't say that kind of thing about my sister. I apologize for no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. But you can say that about my mother.

I can't ask and choir. Oh my God, wait for that. You did. You did. You did. No, she does these hugs where, yeah, she keeps her entire body away from me. I don't know if it's just me either. She's got like her hands are like the paddles on a pinball game and they just wrap around you.

Oh, it's f**k. Tap, tap, tap. Have you ever hugged my sister, Sean? Yeah, but I don't remember how it was. You son of a bitch. Have you ever hugged my sister, Sean? Yeah, but I don't remember how it was. You son of a bitch. Have you ever hugged my sister, coach? No. No, it's good.

I don't ever hug her. Yeah, I told her that she doesn't, that her hugs need improvement. What did she say? She offended. I think she tried to deny it, but enough people laughed at her. So she didn't believe what I was saying.

My relationship with your family is strictly professional. But see, I, I, oh God, yeah. Have I ever told the story about when coach borrowed my parents truck on the show? I've ever told this story. No, I haven't heard of this story. No, this fucking guy coach. I told this story to his wedding at coaches wedding. I gave him, I get, I was the best man at coaches wedding

And where was it a Cabo Cabo Cabo San Lucas the beautiful Cabo San Lucas. It's like Mexico But also like universal city walk in the same place so the the level everything Mexico But the prices of universal city wall good a margaritaville there That's that's the place where I played Tic Tac Toe with the rest of you, I was with your brother, and I played Tic Tac Toe with that waitress for like two hours trying to get a free shot. I never got it.

So I gave like a 30 minute roast of coach for his wedding. That was my best man's speech. Oh, wow. And I started it off saying everyone's got this, everyone's got a story of coach that's just, it's not, it's completely fucked. The story is like fucked and it would only happen to him and it's not about drinking.

Like every, usual best man speeches are like, oh, we got so drunk. Sure. You fucked each other and we thought we were too cheek. You know, he has, he was the first, I was the first person he has to marry. Yeah. But you know, Christine, I'm glad it's you.

If it's not gonna be me, I'm glad that it is you, right? They get real fucking weepy, don't they? Oh yeah. Man, I've seen some weepy. I saw, maybe the worst, I saw the worst best man speech ever fucking given at a wedding that my brother and last started a rumble fist fight with a guy over and it was a big, big brew ha ha anyway.

It started, it also contained the, the absolutely the worst wedding speech I've ever heard in my life. My sister was the maid of honor and she was giving, you know, the, whatever we call the woman's version of the best man, the toast. Yeah, toast. The best made of honor toast.

So she's working on her speech with me. And I'm like giving her, you know, an outline, like make it about this, lose this joke, cut this. So it's the speeches is perfect. And of course, because you sprinkled some of them. Because I did it all. Right, of course. I see.

Okay, that's what I thought. She was gonna make it all about her and how great she is at sports. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's a wedding. Don't make it about that. She's good at sports. So she gives this speech and coming in as a woman,

a little bit of comedy and the speech goes, it's just blowing people's minds, right? They're slapping each other, they're slapping the table, slapping everyone's knees, everybody's like watching a dog walk on a sign legs. She's like, oh my God. Yeah, that's funny, Peach. That's funny.

That's funny, that's fine. It was allowed to say that. Don't ever, that's funny. Now what you did, that was awful. Oh. What is it? So she gives this speech absolutely destroyed it. People are crying and then this poor fucking kid,

the groom's brother gets up. And like, stammer's, because usually the women's speech is like tearful and like, remember when we were at college. That's why we're good. Although, we wouldn't be doing that much study egg. Oh, God, you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, like, oh! Yeah, obviously, I've seen him like that. That's accurate. Anyway, the best man gets up and he's like staring at his phone. First of all, you look like a world-class jackass if you're looking at the speech for

your brother's wedding. Yeah, that's a good point. Off of your fucking phone. That's a good point. Like, if you're a professional comedian, you could maybe get away with that if you execute it perfectly. Not if you're like a 23 year old self-obsiled. So paper would be a better, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Much better, much better. So he just starts stammering and just kind of loses his mind like Owen Wilson in the Royal Tenim bombs when he's on TV and he's just like, I gotta go. Like he just totally spaces that he forgot where he was and he said later that his phone Restarded oh exactly. That's why you don't do the yeah, well, that's what he said But it was like he sat down and there was just like oh

Did he say anything yeah, he like stammered his way through. He's a guy. I love you But as soon as the phone started to fuck up, it was just like instantly looking into the floor, kicking rocks like an eight year old. Like, I really love you, man. Like, uh, and then he just happy and he sat down. It was like, Holy shit, like you might as well,

my sister might as well have just put on a strap on and fucked you in front of the entire wedding that looked so bad. So I was laughing my shit off anyway. This is the story I told her coach is wedding. He coach asked my parents if he could borrow their truck. At first, I don't know why you did that. They had a truck you borrowed and trucks of value book come out of day, you know. I don't know what you needed it for, but you brought the truck back full of gas, of gas. He might know the answer to that. Do you know, do you remember this?

Do you remember why you borrowed the truck? Do you want to move something? Yeah. Thanks, Sean. Thanks for leading us down that bubble. Sorry to every fucking ass. I didn't know he was such a fucking prick. So coach brings the truck back to my parents' house So coach brings the truck back to my parents' house with a cake that he had written thanks for the truck on it by Ralph's and two gallons of whole milk. Wow. My parents were exceedingly nice, right?

But not in an annoying spatula way like your buddy. Yeah. Peach. Like American nice. Not Australian nice where they're coming over and telling you about the fire you're lighting. not in an annoying spatula way like your buddy. Yeah. Peach. I'm sorry. Like American nice. Not Australian nice where they're coming over and telling you about the fire you're lighting. And what's wrong with it?

I'm really sorry. Even questioning. You have any trouble? You have any trouble with that fire? Like, well, yeah, you're not in it. Let me help. I can help you with that. Fucking asking me about starting fires

and for the two beautiful women you son of a bitch. So my mom and dad are like, oh, okay, thanks for the cake. That says thanks for the cake card. Yeah, cake card, a new thing you're doing. So coach sits there and he's like, yeah, yeah. Hey, so how about we get into that cake? Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, I got it. It sounds ridiculous when you say, it's funny. I It sounds ridiculous when you say That's how I heard it from them my mom's

Your friend sure is interesting like what did he do? What did he fucking do because he's everybody's got an interesting coach story? It's not so much related. You wanted some kids Nice guy, good cake. Let's get into that cake. I'm not that. I'm looking at, I'm like salivating at this cake. I'm like, oh, my man. Oh, look at you. What kind of cake was it? You're a favorite chocolate, yeah.

Chocolate cake. That was a freaking delicious thing about it to this day. It was a great best man's speech, by the way. I just want to say. Thank you. Yeah, awesome. Thank you. I felt good about it. I had a whole crowd going.

It was a real roast, real toast masters, roast masters, whatever. I had a little feson, I felt like Jeffrey Ross up there. Anyway, bad hugs. Bad hugs. You guys, somebody in your life that gives bad hugs, that you're trying to call them out, like it seems like mostly what you usually bring in.

Well, I would never do that. I don't know why you accuse me of such a thing, but no, no, I just was thinking about it, like my mother, my best friend gives great hugs. She's a great hugger. I'm a great hugger. You're not bad, you're fine. Let's see what a good hug is.

How would you like me to perform such a good hug? Just like in the air. You got two guys on either side of you. Like, I don't know. I don't know. What do you want me to hug one of them? Hugg, hug me. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hugg, Sean, I want to see a good hug. I'm going to take these off. I don't want to fuck up hugging women the wrong way. Hold on, let me get a timer on this. Let me get a timer to see what the appropriate amount of hugging is. I actually didn't get to hug you today. No, you didn't. Because I standing down stand up like a gentleman. Okay. I'm gonna time this as soon as There's contact as soon as you guys make contact and I think I know it's gonna be contacting first

If you know what I'm talking So this is when you mind charge of this hug. Yeah, so okay, it's always in charge But don't be weirdo. Don't fucking tell Sean what to do. Sorry. Are we hugging or not? Are we getting ready? Go ahead, go. Good to see you, Sean.

How are you? There. Three seconds. Perfect. Three seconds. There was no weird crotch shit going on. Not context. Perfect.

What did you think? I enjoyed that immensely. As well, you should. How would you rate her hug at a 10? It was a good hug. Yeah. She meant it. Oh, boy. Exactly. Your hugs have to be sincere.

No, it exactly. So what number would you give it? At a 10. At a 10? How do you rate? It's a 10. That was a perfect 10. At a 10. Yeah, thank you. Like what? Depends that was a perfect 10 add 10. Yeah. Thank you

Like what you depends what you want out of a hug. Yeah, that's true It does depend on your relationship. It seemed it seemed genuine Okay, how do you rate them? What what do you get to say? I'm just deciding which joke to make to make fun of Shawn or make Shonda fun of each I don't know what you pick one and I'll do the Yeah, I don't I don't want to I don't'm gonna go for it. I'm gonna go for it. You pick one and I'll do the other. Yeah, yeah, I don't wanna get into it. Cause my reaction, there's too much there. When there's too much material there, I know I'm gonna fuck it up.

Kind of short circuit a little bit. Yeah, I know. Go have a, how about it, Dick? Okay. So do you wanna read, or do you, oh, it's touched. Do you wanna tell us what makes you a rage this week?

Do you have anything like that in you? I already think about it. There was something. Okay, but why don't you why don't you read? The thing that I had something to read. Well, you know, I I was looking forward to reading part three of you. Can't relate love a beautiful erotic love story. Yes, yes, however, that is being saved for the Filly Live show. I do instead have something else that I have found. Now don't get mad. But when I first came here back in what, like January,

you told me you said, hey, and here's my bookshelf. Read anything you want up there, just whatever you want. And I was like, yeah, read anything you want. I got a bunch of libertarian propaganda up there. A bunch of libertarian shit. I got a bunch of stuff about taxes that I'll be reading to everyone at the truck on today. It's true. Yeah. And I stumbled across your diary.

No, I don't, don't be mad. What are you talking about my diary? Well, I, I found a small pink book that says just, just, I think things. And I look, I mean, I couldn't help it. I just started to think through. Why did you have to go pink? Why do you have to start already with making it pink? Because that's the truth. I only speak the truth. I found this book. I opened it up. It's like all the eyes are dotted with hearts and it's written and crayon. It's really bizarre. So what I did was it was really quite expansive. So I decided just to take this last month.

Everything about me is. Oh yeah. And then I was like, all right. So I was like, all right, I will take just last month. And I'll cut out any like, goss, you've already either discussed or any heavy hitting stuff you have saved whatever. I just chose a few excerpts from your diary. So I will read them shortly.

What kind of editing stuff? Well, I don't want to expose it right here and now. Okay. So all the guys, Cold War of Gus. That's right. So what I have right now is the, I guess what would you call it a Dic Diary, Diary of Dic, the Dic Diaries? Yeah. You're just glaring at me. All right. I'm sorry. Don't be mad. at me. All right. I'm sorry. Don't be mad. I went through your diary. I'm really sorry, but I have no choice. All right, so March 3rd, 2017.

Dear diary, it's me again, diary me, Dick Masterson, who's diary this is and is totally riding this for real. Me, Dick Masterson. How a wonderful day today. I got to see Peach saliva, who is beautiful and perfect. And well, gee, Wiz, diary, she's just better than me in every conceivable way. And now I may pretend like what I've just written

isn't true for the sake of my bloated ego. And if this were ever read out loud on the podcast, I'm sure I'd be forcing my squinty little eyes into a glare at whatever beautiful saint. At whatever beautiful saint was reading it like they were full of shit only to mask the truth. Yours in Christ, dig masters. That's the first entry.

That's so beautiful. I'm really glad you feel the way. Your eyes are too fucking big. Mine aren't squinty. What do you mean my eyes are big? Look, I'm thinking a lot. Perfectly normal. I'm thinking a lot about a lot of things.

That's why they're so squinty. That's why I'm so sweaty. Is that why you're sweating? Yeah, thinking a lot about where the fuck is a spatula? How long do you need to try on crop tops? That's what I'm thinking. We were having a good time. I have a lot of crop tops.

All right, March 7th, 2017. Dear diary, played with the gun today. Cool. Yours in Christ, it masters. It was a good one. Fuck. March 11th, 2017. Dear diary, more like diarrhea, am I right?

Ha ha, I am so smart. God, and you're a writer, that's so weird. It's me again, diary. Your old friend, Dick Master's son, who is currently writing to you in these very pages now at this moment. Good golly-g-willikers, diary. I was combing the rats nest on top of my head.

I call hair earlier, and you wouldn't believe how much of it came out in the comb. Boy oh boy. Now I can continue knitting a secret and embarrassing hair sweater. I just know Sean will love his birthday present yours and Christ. I think it's stereos who get that present. You're very self-deprecating in your diary. I would not talk about myself like that. I wouldn't describe to myself that I'm surprised

that how much fear comes out in a car. I think you're seeing a very sensitive and sweet. I think that's what this diary is revealing right now. First of all, it's normal for a lot of hair to come out of your comb. Mm-hmm. Okay. And often it is sweater.

Yeah, because I have ethnic Mexican hair and a lot of it. I got a lot like a chinchilla. I got about 80, 90 hairs coming out of every color. Covered in dust like a chinchilla. Yeah, okay. I love dust. I roll around in it except I'm talking about pussy when I talk about That's my diary April 15th boom yours in Christ. Give me that dust Dust in here, but allow me to continue. That's the appendix.

Double dicks. Merch. Pentix dicks. Merch 12, 2017. Dear diary. Once again, it is me, Dig Master Sin, writing to you, O'Diary. Wow, heek, Sowie. Wow, heek is out.

You have a lot of these weird 1950s exclamation summons in here. It's very bizarre. Today was yet another typical hard day at work for me. I far did around on Reddit, drank 13 and a half beers and built a fort made out of money. You should have seen 80s girls face when she came home from a day of actual real hard work. Boy oh boy, she took one look at my fort

and she was so impressed, she put her head in her hands and softly cried tears of what I can only assume to be joyous arousal. What a gal yours and Christ. Sorry, how many beers? 13 and a half and a half. And that's insulting. That's absolutely disgusting.

Well, I don't think you're... Never, never, never what I have left to have. Oh, wait, no, you're thinking about the wrong way. Maybe someone else left a half beer and you had to finish it. Yeah. Thank you, coach. Okay. Wow. You've talked a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help.

I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help.

I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help.

I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. I've got a lot of money left to help. Yeah, you're gonna talk them into thinking that trans people should use a fucking bathroom to shut up. Oh my God. I do. Oh, I changed parts of minds all the time. You know, I talked about you on my, uh, on my, the Donald day, a, a, what did you say? I looked at most of the questions.

It's not gonna stick. It's gonna stick. It's not gonna stay out. Uh, somebody asked, somebody asked why I don't just do like hardcore political stuff and activism and stuff like, you know, Stephen Crowder, whomever. And I said, it's more fun for me to get laughs out of ultra liberal guys like hysteria, oh yeah, yeah.

Joe Star, like that's, if you can get a laugh out of those guys about guns, that's worth more. Absolutely. And then I told a story about how you coach, whenever we're in a boat, see coach is like you, P.C. loves talking to strange men, whenever a friendlyness, too friendly this guy. Yeah, but I don't have the curse of being like good looking

to go on. I got to say, one or the other, you can be friendly. And then you know, you're not gonna. He'll talk to, if he ever talks to a guy to bar, you see him in a halter top. If he meets a guy who has anti, well, a different second amendment, a different take on it than he does. More liberal take on the second amendment. And also who hasn't gone shooting,

he will go out of his way to get them to go shooting with him to demystify the gun as this wand that kills people like Voldemort until this is just something that throws rocks very, very, very, and it's like, fearsome and it explodes. It's not something you just pick up Willie Nilean as far as killing people. This is a generous. Fear some and it explodes. It's not something you just pick up, Willie Nillie is trying to kill people.

This is like a, this is a choice. This is a big choice. I forget why I brought that up. Talking people into things and you do. That's really kind. Well, it's not sweet. I mean, there are ulterior motives. I just, you know.

Sure, yeah, but you can make friends. Right, I don't know. Oh, well, I suppose not. Well. Anyway, March 19, 2017. Dear diary, it's me again, diary, Dig Master's in. You know, Sean may be a v-necked cunt, but I am so lucky. I didn't say that. I'm so lucky to have him.

I put that in there. So lucky to have him in my laughably easy dumb, charmed little life. If only he weren't so completely and obviously in love with Lacey the news babe. You can you can see it on the live stream. He perks up like a goddamn near cat every time she walks you the fucking door. Maybe one day will be together. Until then I will be maybe one day will be together. Yeah, you yeah, you were it's yeah, this is your diary and Sean.

Yeah, then you should know. Yeah, you were it's yeah, this is your diary and Sean. Yeah, well then you should know yeah Until then I will live vicariously through the very amazingly well written and highly erotic fan fictions peach live It brings in I await them like a virgin bride waits to be carried across the threshold yours in Christ Dig master some well, that's really beautiful. Is that it? They're all that that's it. Is that all the diary entries you brought in? Yeah, looks like it. Okay, coach, you got, thank you very much. Yeah, you're welcome. Peach for more insulting fake found. Well, I mean, I had to find it pretty fucking quick,

but yeah. Thank you very much for coming to the show, too, Mr. Chaser. Yeah, sure. Coach, you got something that makes you a rage? No, not really. Now you can skipped it. You know what's great about you.

You've sent me every day. You send me like a dozen studies and court rulings across the board. That's what you said. Yeah, now I'm gonna start bringing one of those in every week. That's a good idea. I'm the cop from the desk of coach.

All right, so this was last time you were in your coach, we had Frank the Tank call in. Very distraught caller Yeah talking about That's a real fun fun scene Yeah, somebody's done a remix of it recently. We've we've introduced the concept of self-laft tracks Well, you know a normal laugh track. It's just a bunch of people laughing and it sounds fake and weird Replacing those people with yourself sounds infinitely more bizarre.

So here's a tribute to that episode. ACU did this. Frank, you there? Yes. Frank, what's up, buddy? What can we help you with? Yeah, I'm just on the verge of homelessness. I haven't been working like in a month and a half

and I just started a new job. I started Thursday, but I haven't got paid till next Friday. Oh, gotcha. Honestly, when I typed it, things work I'm going that well, like try hanging myself on Monday. That was worth it. Oh, please. and that well like try to hang in my cell phone Monday. It was worth like a house. You tried to hang yourself on Monday?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. How hard did you just see? Oh. Terrible. Absolutely terrible. Oh my. Let's see what else I've terrible. Oh my God. Let's see what else I've got. That's inappropriate.

It's very inappropriate. Hey, speaking of suicidal guys, there was somebody on the Reddit this week who said that they were, that they had a plan to check out. I don't know, let me see if I can pull this up, but they had a plan to check right out of life. Okay, stealth high said, uh, as I type this, I'm currently two beers and two

oxycodones into a suicide attempt. My wife of 15 years just told me three weeks ago that she's happier with her fat, ugly lesbian friend and is leaving me for her. I was gonna go out listening to the last episode of my favorite podcast. He's been a BPI TU biggest problem listener since episode 22. Been a Patreon-y since Dick launched his solo pod. I just paused it after listening to Dick talk

about how 80s girl tricked him into thinking she backed out on the generator heist. You remember that generator that I stole, yeah. And I was thinking about how fucking cool is 80s girl and realized my ex-wife wouldn't even know what is a cool prank. So I've decided, fuck this crazy bitch, I'm going to keep living. I know lots of people have sent in the podcast,

save my life in dark times, but I swear on Sean's beautiful face. He's got you involved in this, too, now. Fuckin' rope me into this shit. Next thing you know, I'm responsible if somebody dies. This one is legit. I'd love to talk more about what I'm going through if any dickheads want to know more.

Too long didn't read them in the middle of the scene. And this Patreon is, am I, oh his? Yeah, because Frank the tank set up a, like, no, he did not. Yes, he did. No, Frank. Play the lap track again. Play the game.

He set up an Indie Go-Gorze. You know what I've got to do? Frank, because there's so much, like these characters come into our lives and have such a tremendous impact I need like a got squad of reporters to track them down and follow up on them after the fact You know what I mean? Yeah to fight like what what's going to bust them on insurance fraud or something like you know like it It's like like Frank the tank. Yeah, I want to make sure he's actually clinically depressed and that wasn't just a

Sean we're all clinically depressed. That's why it's funny. I know. I'm in the middle of the suit. I just have to have been dick made me change my mind. So I read this to 80s girl and she goes, well, it sounds like more like I saved this. That's what I thought too. Yeah. Well, I mean, all right. So, yeah. So, so high. If you're out there, she's not that cool. The pranks, there's not that many of them. Yeah, let's see, I think hysteria is weighed in on this one too. But here's life saver and destroyer of tents. Here's what I'm thinking, like if it's a serious suicide attempt,

the only way, like the only thing you should really do is go to store.dick.show and just run up like a thousand bucks and t-shirts. You're never gonna, first of all, you're never going to have to pay it off. And number two, then we'll know that it's serious, right? Like if I'll get a notice on my phone that says, this guy just ordered $10,000 in t-shirts and hopefully I'm awake and sober and looking at it. You know, and if not not at least the 10 grand came through. Right?

It's a win, win, lose, but the last lose is not me. Think of the people you're leaving behind. Think of the people you're leaving. That's how we know it's serious. Sean, so any Tom Dick and Harry, so there we go. We saved the life. You were part of that too. Cause you, it was your fault. the episode was posted on time, Sean.

You see, you see everyone, it's what I, Oh, that's true. It's every time I do something bad, I know that I'm on a mission from God. And it's things like this that prove to me that that is the right way to think. Because I stole the generator, because not because I wanted it,

because I thought it would be a funny story for the universe. The universe needed that anecdote. The great magnet wanted me to do it. It doesn't care about who really owns the generator. It just wanted it to be taken and I was there to, and then coach, you were involved as well because you had the Uber.

I didn't do another. Yeah, and you had to show off by shouting at me that you got one in front of me, so you were smarter than me. How did you get one so quickly? He sucked the guy off. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah.

Oh, that's true. So, I got enough. Me being the gentleman that I am, loaded 80s girl in there and said, listen to me, you don't let that fucking generator out of your sight. All right, that's why you're getting this ride. It's not because I'm a gentleman. Of course I was joking. So she, in her infinite wisdom, she chooses to joke about it. We do the episode, then Sean edits it and gets it uploaded in time for this guy.

So he doesn't go through his plan of doing one beer and one oxy until it's over. It's kind of sad story in this thread. Somebody said that he did the same plan because it sounds kind of like a stupid suicide plan, right? It sounds like it's not going to work. Yeah, I was thinking exactly the same. Oxy and beers?

Well, just like gradually until you're dead. It seems like you're leaving a tremendous amount of time. You know what I'm saying? Between like maybe you just wake up with a hangover and are dead. Yeah, that's that was my first thought anyway. Like I don't want to lessen the guy's experience, but it's like, well, I mean, you know, take the bottle. Yeah, take it. All it went. Yeah, he's going to make he's making a big deal out of it. I don't know what I don't know. I know either.

Whether you were gonna say butt. But somebody in the comments, let me see if I can find this guy's, so this guy said, the Greek Viking says, when I was a teenager, I took nine perkissets and drank a handle of Jack Daniels, same kind of thing. Woke up with my face paralyzed and stayed that way for about six months. Oh my god. His eyes still get skinny whenever I drank. That's what he says.

Oh my god. Unbelievable. Jesus. Stealth high added, talk about what makes me weird. He called a suicide number and was connected with a very disinterested and slightly rude guy. What? I was actually more determined to go through with it after the... Oh my god. guy. What? I was actually more determined to go through with it after the God. The group has been 10,000 percent more supportive than that number. If anyone

is here thinking about suicide, do not call this number. Call your friends and family. I mean, I don't know. I don't know anything about it. Talking about the community peach, you went to a dickhead, meet up in Portland. I did. I did. How did that go? It was really cool. I happened to be there to see my best friend for her birthday party bash. And at the same time, I saw on the Reddit that they were having a get together in Portland. And I was like, I'll just fucking show up and see what happens. And I got all dolled up and put on my little trench coat. I had something underneath there before you say it.

20 or 30 halts of action right there. Real slide, their coach. To like, yeah, 30 halts and tops. I'll just one after the other. And I just showed up at this bar and they were all sitting there and I walked right past them just to see what happened and I just, a chorus of Pete. And I turned out and I was like, hey, that's cool.

It was really cool. And they were all so sweet and really cute and funny and really nice, respectful. You wanna give any shout outs? Well, I don't know what they want me to say their real names, but there was one in particular that I just really got along with. He was really funny and sassy and cute.

I was like, yeah, he was gay. Oh, okay. And he's, well, I think. What do. No, I was like, yeah, he was, well he's gay. Oh, okay. And he, he's, well I think, what do you mean, I was like, what do you mean, what do you mean? Well, I know we do, we get Aussies coming in from the left, we got, we got, me and guys from the right. Oh, that's a good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, me too. No, every, every direction. Yeah, you gay, oh, yeah, thank God. Come on, get in here, get over here. Run, run, defend us. Apparently on Facebook. Gay from when you were like a kid, right? Like you didn't go through any kind of phases Yeah, you gay. Oh, yeah. Thank God. Come on. Get over here. Run, run, defend us. Apparently on Facebook.

Gay from when you were like a kid, right? Like you didn't go through any kind of faces of experimenting. Like everybody knew, you know, you know, goes these backsies on this. When you came out of the closet, people were like, oh, yeah, we've known forever. Like your mom was like, oh, yeah, totally. I mean, you did have to make funny all the time. You're so gay. That guy.

That guy. All right. Get on. I like you. Well, I only say that because allegedly he's the top gay on the dick show Facebook group. So that's really. Yes. So, and I, he was so funny. Like amongst a bunch of bottoms or what? I suppose I still know what that means.

The most gay. I mean, the top top. That's the name. The top gay. I guess that's just like a nickname that he has. But it gave himself. Seems like people do that a lot. I have no idea.

OK, so I will call him Top Gay. Top Gay. So Top Gay was so sweet. And I was like, you have to call in sometime. Go for their, I don't know, do something. And he was like, no, he was really very charming. And they all were. It was really, I only planned to stop in for 15 minutes.

Just to say hi I'm like, hey, what's going on? I stayed there for four and a half hours drinking and just like smoking and it was fun. That's great In unrelated news meet-ups of skyrocket Thank you. Did you see when somebody took the picture of you guys hanging out and put a browser? It was a hysterical. That was good. No, it was good. Yeah. All right. Let's see. What else do we got here? Mad Cux's new book is coming out

on sometime in July, July 7th. Somebody wrote in saying that they worked for a company who had published the book. Like, yeah, I want to be a part of that. I was like, all right. Great. And then he wrote back two days later saying, my boss looked at the kind of stuff you guys are doing and doesn't know. No, no, no, no, sorry. Did he wear first time in a juicer, but I mean, no, he just, you were like a publishing company.

What the fuck are you talking? Like, come, come, what are you, what are you trying to publish that? This is good comedy. It's gonna sell. It's being pitched aggressively. It's funny. It's gonna have a grill a marketing campaign.

A grill a marketing, the most gorilla, like Shay Gorilla Marketing Campaign. Let's see. And then Maddix, the real Maddix, announced his book coming out. Did he do that seven years ago? No, we, he announced the title this time, the actual title. He knows how to tease time. The actual title.

He knows how to tease it. Called Fuck Whales. Right? Fuck Whales. So he sent out the actual cover. Let me see if I can pull it up so we can go over some of these topics. Wait. Yeah.

No, I know nothing about this other than the title, is the artwork is a whale being punched. Oh, dude. Maddox is so, Maddox had a fucking email list where you could get advanced notice on this stuff because he thinks he's like a marketing guru. So if you signed up for his email list whatever three years ago, he sent you,

he sent out an email That had what he wanted his cover to be, right? Because the actual cover that went that it's gonna have is not what he wanted. He says of course He can't resist putting his own version out there like imagine You're releasing anything and you you make your own cover out of like macaroni and string and you send it to the publisher and they're like, this is dog shit. Why don't we make our own and you, you would feel embarrassed by this, right? And you'd say, ooh, I overreached by trying to make it myself and I've embarrassed myself

and people at the company are probably laughing at me and trying to figure it myself. And I've embarrassed myself and people at the company are probably laughing at me and trying to figure out how to break the news that this looks like a child with learning disabilities constructed this while huffing paint in a garage, right? And most people would just say, like, oh, that's gilding the lily a little. And you just forget about it, right? No, man, not the case with Matt. He put, he published the actual cover in the email newsletter that he sent out. This is what it looks like with the middle finger, the middle, shooting a middle finger up

at a bunch of exploding whales. Like fuck, one on the right is the real one, right? The one that's gonna get... No, those are the, those are the ones that are rejected. On the right was kinda funny. I like the one on the right. get. Those are the boat, those are the ones that are rejected. Oh, I'm on the right, it was kind of, it's kind of funny. I like the one on the right. It's the worst flame effect ever. Yeah, that's horrible.

That looks like a bunch of clip art whales with an explosion, of course, because we're satirizing extreme manliness still and not just having become this, right? And then a giant middle finger ripping off the fuck you 2016 meme because Maddox is a ultimate but hurt SJW liberal who is, who will recreate and regurgitate anything that the anti-Trump people do, right? So this is what this, on the right, that's what it's actually going out with. Yeah, that's good. That's what I meant.

That, that, that, that, that, that, that's the. That's what I meant. That's what you were talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And these, you will agree, are complete garbage. Oh, I don't know. I don't have words to describe those. Because they're so terrible. Yeah. The covers that Maddox wanted to use are like your co-workers, younger cousins, says he

wants to do an art project for you and he's a little bit off, but like either he's rainman or like he's a guy who sits in front of a bookcase using a shoe for a mouse and thinks he's using a computer. And this is what you get back, right? That's how I'm just saying that it's bad. It's bad, it's bad, it's bad, it's bad. And you should feel bad and not proud of it. You shouldn't be proud of shooting this off to, let me see if I can read the table of contents, too. That's the fucking funniest part.

Because my theory is the publisher says that this book is 100% new material. I think they're talking about the actual paper that they use. Not recycling. Yeah, it's not recycled paper. I don't think they're talking about the actual jokes that are in this book. God, but I not recycled paper. I don't think they're talking about the actual jokes that are in this book. God, but I have no internet, so Can we talk about Mad Cux book? I don't know anything. You know what's fucking hilarious about Mad Cux book Five years later now that Mad Cux has stolen the real Mad Cux's actual book title I am now in the same position I was in five years ago,

giving notes on what this book should be about from a different guy. Like me and the title best book in the universe are the R2, D2 and C3PO of all this, because this would be the original Maddox, like well, I don't know what to put in the book because I don't know a man like do this and well, do you think I should do that now

You met so many three four five years later madcucks like well some people are saying I should do this is like well look madcucks I give you the same advice I gave the man that you took his skin When he wanted to write this book be careful it might be cursed but right three articles That you think should be in the book and see what ties them together. And then make that the theme of the book. Like write three things that, you know, like whatever the comedy is, because Mad Cux could go in a million different directions.

Yeah. Anyway, let me see if I can find the table of contents for this because it's really funny. Okay, here's what Mad Cux's table of contents is for this fucking book, Fuck Whales available, October 17th. First chapter, Fuck Whales. Fuck Horses, is that sound familiar, Sean?

We ever do anything about horses on the old show? It was a problem. Yeah, it was a problem, right? Cause of the sounds they make, some stupid shit like that. Fuck trees, I think low, I think we did that on this show, low tax brought that in.

Fuck families. I think I remember that think we did that on this show. Low tax brought that in. Fuck families. I think I remember that being a problem on the old show. Yeah. Fuck cupcakes. Uh, yeah, I don't remember that one. You're supposed to pay money for this. Fuck cupcakes. You're paying money for a 40 year old man to talk about how cupcakes should fuck themselves.

Is this some kind of a meta joke? The fuck would you have, what the fuck, it's a dessert man, fuck cupcakes. I feel like that work better as a problem on a podcast. With like banter, because it's so stupid. Right, exactly. So you think that he just took things that worked as banter in Trader.

I have no idea. Horses tried to shoehorn them into a book when someone missed their deadline. Don't try to loop me into no idea. I have no. I've no. Horses tried to shoehorn them into a book when someone missed their death. Don't try to loop me into what kind of defamation you're getting into. Don't defamation. This sounds stupid as hell. A fuck cup cakes. But I don't know if you what you guys did on the show. Fuck children. He's got butt don't in parentheses.

Got cover your bases. You don't want to. Justin. Justin. Got cover your bases. You don't want to just in caves, but don't. God, what a fucking loser. Fuck censorship. Maddox, the guy who bans anybody in anybody on his channel who mentions this show, fuck censorship. That's a fuck old ideas.

Well, that's ironic. Fuck raising awareness. Another slactivism, right? Another one. Fuck environmentalist, Jesus Christ, man. Straight back. This is like reading a synopsis for the like seasons one through seven of South Park. Fuck the eighth amendment.

That's the one for cruel and unusual punishment. Fuck soulmates. I bet I know where that one's coming from. Fuck, fuck ants. We have, we talk about ants on the old show. I think so. So this is just the book version of the biggest problem in the universe, right? Called Fuck Whales. Well, can I ask a question? Yeah, sure about the history of this. Uh, at what point did this book commissioned? What do you mean? What what at what point did they pay him? Yeah, make this book easily three years easily two or three years ago and you would have when you when you get a book if It's if it's above like 20,000 They'll give you a third of it up front and they'll give you another third when you like 20,000, they'll give you a third of it up

front and they'll give you another third when you hand the manuscript in and they'll give you another third like based on sales when to start selling or something like that. Okay, yeah, I just I don't understand how this could be so bad me. No, just over it. I don't know what all the machinations it's gone through over the years. Fuck being proud of who you are. That's that's that. Yeah. Fuck, on board of that. Fuck trigger warnings coach. This is going to be the ultimate send up of trigger warnings. No one's ever explored trigger warnings

before. Oh my fucking God. I'm expecting to hear like fuck ruining someone's personal and professional relationships. Yeah. No shit. I can't believe that people would put this to print. This looks terrible. Well, they don't have a choice, right? They're any do.

They're any do. They're any do. They're any do. They're any do. They're any do. They're any do. They're any do. They're any do.

They're any do. They're any do. They're any do. They're any do. They're any do. Fuck dichotomies. That's going to be the, I'm smart and I use this word and I want you to know that I use this word, chapter. All right, let me see if I got any more music and then that's it. I'll see you guys at Road Rage Philly. This one is from Todd Sidel, Dick with Swav. Wait a minute, wait a minute, Peach.

Yeah. Do you want to pitch, do you want to plug anything? Oh, let's go, let's hear it. Yeah, sure. My Twitch show, The Ruby Weapon Hour is on Twitch.tv slash Peach saliva. And if you want to come check that out I often tweet when I'm about to do it but it's random it's usually on weekdays

around 10 p.m. Eastern to Standard Time. And you can watch it on your TV. Yeah. Because it's twitch. That's the first part about it. Computer. Whatever you got. You can watch it on TV and watch someone. What do you do on that? On that. I play I play all kinds of video games, usually poorly, but it's a lot of fun. And then I also, I genuinely do read weird, bad, erotic fanfiction other people find for me to read. That's real.

It's all real, of course, but that is real. It's great, I can vouch that you are not good at video games, but it is a lot of fun. I'm not good at shooters, okay, that is true. Well, what game are you good at? I got pretty good at Bloodborne by the end, I was pretty good. We tried in the car to figure out what Bloodborne is about. Yeah, it's so hard to explain.

It's really. You're good at games that are very complicated to explain. Well, no, no, I explained it to him and he's still like, I still don't know what that's about. But it's a lot him, and he's still like, I still don't know what that's about. And I'm like, ugh, but it's a lot of lore, and it's really complex, like nightmare. Well, if you could figure it out, I'd beat you at it. It's an action adventure.

It sounded like a guy describing like a hand job. Like, you know, like all these different actors, like, you know, you go on those like prostitute review pages, and they got all these, like a ZBZ, she's like a CCBG. And I got a ZMD off of this one. She's an AOJB on this one, fellas. Check her out.

That's a weirdest, you know, they have reviews for prostitutes and hand jobs and stuff like this. There's a real thing. I had no idea. Yeah, man, these dudes get on their review. I do. I do like any AMAAs. All right.

All right. What's the URL that people can go to? Twitch.tv slash peach. So, okay, we'll see, we'll see everybody at road rage. Make sure you bring your V-neck tops so you could get in on the Sean O'Light contest. And don't wear a shirt if you're coming. Buy a shirt at the event. Come without a shirt. Buy a shirt.

Buy two shirts. Buy three shirts. Buy all the event. Come without a shirt, buy a shirt, buy two shirts, buy three shirts, buy all the shirts, buy an entire, buy a month's worth of shirts. Dress in layers. Dress in layers. It's gonna be freezing fucking cold. Where's shirt though? Where's shirt though?

They're probably gonna turn you away. I had people ask me if they, I had a couple guys emailed me asking if they warned you or if there's a metal detector. Oh, great. Cause they carry. Yeah. Now, if they're doing or if there's a metal detector. Oh, great. Because they carry. Yeah. Now, like, you know, if they're doing that, I'm like, man, I come just, I'm, I'm showing up

in Philly and go, I don't know. I don't, I don't want, I don't know what to tell you to do with your, with your weapons. Yeah. At the door. I don't know. Keep it in the car. I don't know what they do. Sure.

Who cruise around? Hide it in a planter. If they're doing that. I don't want to. That's my specialty. Yeah, that's a tip from coach that I learned. Really? Yeah, we'd go out. If he happened to have a knife on him, we'd have to find a planter in Hollywood that he could stash it in. But I don't want to take responsibility for telling you that you need to hide, that you need to not bring a gun. And then you could have brought a gun. And I'm like, well, now I look like a real asshole, or that you should bring a gun. And now we've got 40 dickheads outside the track of

the arrow, hiding pistols and sewer grades and under the wheel well of their car and shit like that. Anyway, guys, I guess I don't know. I don't know, I can't help you on that one. I can just help you get later. I hope everyone does at the show. See you next Tuesday. This is when the Dix show, thedix show.com, patreon.com slash the Dix show. See you next Tuesday. Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, Dix, That's the Texas from the Simpson's And he says, guys, I got the best line in the world for you

As soon as the real pine Texas man told a sad rhyme I have been trying and women have been fighting up like Christmas trees I'll spit some like hey, how you doing? Hey, what's going on? Hey, those legs go all the way up Whoa, whoa, whoa, maybe I love those ribs, I see all the ribs I love the hair, I love your hair, I love your eyes, look at your cheekbones Oh my god, you're a genius and you work hard, you're smarter than all your friends And you prettier than your sister, nothing, nothing, I'm just showing this at women

As they're walking by me, they're 500 yards down the path I turn around, this is the opposite direction, and I whisper under my breath By the way, I love your shoes. I'll turn around and they'll be standing right there with laser beams shooting into my eyes when you really like my shoes. And when you choose, do you really like my shoes?

And when you choose, you ask for one of my bow or shoes. You really like my shoes. You ask for one of my bow or shoes. Do you really like my shoes? You ask for one of my power for shoes? Fight fight fight fight shoes? What you need is an open to match the words you It's more satisfying. It's more satisfying. It's the most important thing. It's more satisfying. It's more satisfying. It's more satisfying.

It's more satisfying. It's more satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying.

It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying.

It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. It's the most satisfying. Someone else's slave, it's not me if you get mad, and they can do it. It's a more satisfying, it's a more satisfying, it's a more satisfying. Everyone knows I'm a very good way man. You ask for one about her shoes. Do you really like my shoes? Fight, fight, fight, fight, cheers. Do you really like my shoes? I don't do shoes.

You ask for one about her shoes. Do you really like my shoes? Fight, fight, fight, fight, cheers. You don't do that live, but you've got a record of version of this. Like a use singing this. And it's a good idea. You got to. That's a good idea. You got to. Yeah. It's a great idea. It was a really awesome. That was incredible. I love Sidel's fucking.

Todd Sidel. That was incredible. And I love the stream of consciousness way. It can't the vocals came out. Yeah. That was actually what happened. Yeah, but it just works so well. Did I ever tell you're still rolling? Yeah, still rolling. Did I ever tell you near the beginning of the show when coach sent me a clip of the show and he said, somebody remixed this so you're talking over yourself. No, no, no, I just it was a cut. Yeah, I just sounded like the end of one of your sentences was budding up against the next sentence. You said it was overlapped. You like Sean fuck that ends. I didn't say overlapped. We can you say I didn't I didn't say it. You mother fuck you said

overlapped. I'll prove it. So I said, no, that's the that was the recorded version. There was no like I loaded up the original because I thought maybe there was some kind of a fuck up. I listened to it and it sounded like I was it was two guys talking at the same time. I said, no, that was the original coach goes, well, you just have a natural con man's cadence, I guess. He had to show me the video before I believed it. No, yeah, I didn't believe I believe something was cut out. I was calling shenanigans. Wow. Very rare.

And then you looked like a dick. I look pretty, I, yeah. All right, thanks guys. Very rare. And then you look like a dick. I look pretty. I look, I, yeah. All right, thanks guys.