The Dick Show - Episode 460 - Dick on The Fear

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

My hearing blows out, Kanye releases a funny song, homelessness is solved with a new invention, Pakistan saves the Internet from India, Reddit gets experimented on, nitrous, Maddox wins the "Retard of the Month" award, Vito gets banned from Hackamania, statues of fat Black women pop up all over the Earth, and how many Mexicans does it take to restart a water heater; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Oh Johnny, I have the fear. The fear? I have the fear. Oh no. What maladies have you been inflicted with? Oh man, bad maladies. Let me tell ya. It's been two weeks since I've seen you man. How have you been? It's, uh, I've been, uh, I've been out for about 500 years. Yeah, I feel like God has kept us apart for a very specific reason. Well somebody did. I made a lot of deals with the devil this week. I got bad news and I don't have the money for it. I don't have the ass for it. I made a lot of deals with that guy. Hey devil.

Hey devil, if you could just give me my hearing back, I'll do. I got a whole, I thought I would catch the devil on his heels, you know? Right. You don't want to wait for the devil to come to you Yeah, there's two drones flying in your backyard looking at your deck again. That's that's when you that's when you go to God That's God waits you go to God mm-hmm God's a very patient man. Yeah, you got to catch the devil while he's sleeping mm-hmm

Rouse him from his sleep Yeah, I got a good deal for you. I've got some souls. Get in, get out. You're gonna hate two of them but you're gonna love one of them. And he goes, what? What about souls?

I said, nevermind, no, this is too good. I'm gonna go to the Islamic devil or whatever. See what he wants. No, no, no, no, come back in. Tell me about the souls. I can't, I said too much. I said, you're gonna like two, you're gonna hate two, you're gonna love one.

But you just gotta give me my hearing back. And that's no problem. I said you're gonna like to you you're gonna hate to you're gonna love one But you just got to give me my hearing back if and it's not no problem I mean, that's it's coming back anyway, but that's it then you got him. They're all yours and he goes What do you mean? It's too much man. I'm out No further clarification. No further clarification devil. You don't want God to have him do you cuz I could just go there I know what that looks like. I could just run all the fun. Yeah. Oh I know what that looks like. I could just go run all the fun. Yeah. Oh I have the fear. I have the fear. I had the fear. How much time can you spend in a fetal position? in your house on

the floor in your basement You know That's a good question. It depends what I did the night before I thought it was the most I'd ever spent in a fetal position was one hangover. Fair. Worth of time. That's the correct amount of time. Never spent a lot of time in the fetal position outside of a hangover. I don't recommend it.

How are you? I played the theme song, but I can't hear it. I think I should play it anyway. You just signal. You signal it to me. Just hit play. You know what I heard? Hear it in your mind when you hit play. This is the worst. This is by far. This has been the worst two weeks of my life.

This is actually a silent episode. If you're hearing both of us talk right now. It's because you're imagining this You're the only one yeah, we uploaded a blank audio file I feel like you know those you ever follow those those dog accounts those like abused dog accounts on Twitter of like guys who make it their life's work to rehabilitate like stabbed dogs in like Thailand or some shit, and I never got I never got the appeal of these accounts I used to hate them when I was younger, but now at this age like I really understand. I get it I see what I get it. I don't want to I don't want to see it every day, right? I get what you're doing with your life though, and I'm I'm mazel tov you know these bitches in check man

I used to be a guy who's like, fuck animals, humans, number one, and then at some point I realized I'm not locking my front door to keep animals out. I'm locking my front door to keep humans out. Fuck humans. Animals, number one. Within reason.

Animals you can generally get out of your house. Hey, get the, it's hard to keep them in the house, actually. It is. I spend a not Insignificant part of the day keeping the one animal I got I'm not talking about my wife Hey, you know what's you know, it's amazing I got a doctor's note that says hey You can't be you can't talk too much because of the on account of the ears account of the hearing it didn't work though I thought it would work. But yeah, how was Vegas with all that, man?

It was okay, it was nice to see Carl, but you know, health reasons, I wish I, I kinda wish I didn't go, but whatever, I went. You did it. Yeah, I did it, I'll get into it. Here, I'll play the theme song. I can't hear it, I hope everyone enjoys it. Play the theme song and then just take your headphones off you go

When the theme song hits where I usually say yeah, okay You point to you point to me cool. Yeah, hit it cuz I can imagine in my head, right? I Got Botox. How do I look? I look amazing. Do I look handsome like five years like handsome Squidward over here Do I look handsome? You look five years, like handsome Squidward over here. Ha ha ha. Do I? Beautiful, absolutely stunning. Do I look handsome?

You look freshly sculpted. Worst two weeks, worst two weeks of my life, just soaked in the fear. The fear. The fear is like a poison that gets in your blood, but it's a relief now. Like always, it's weird to say, but I time my life to the show.

It's the week goes and I say, okay, now it's time to start thinking about the show. And now I got some shells locked and loaded in here, you know, ooh, that's gonna be fun to sass about. Somebody, some fucking, some Mexican, you know, they make these trucks just way too big now. Yes. You know? We talked about this.

I got a big one. And now the Mexicans are starting to upgrade their, the Mexicans are always 10 years behind. So now their trucks are starting to get big too. I was driving to go to my audio appointment downtown at the hospital, which was indistinguishable from a Chinese wet market. Yeah.

Have you been? I've been. You've been to the audio store downtown? I've been, unfortunately. Like I know why you guys have audio problems, because you're... BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH! Screaming at each other down here.

Over the city noise, too. And... I'm driving down the windy roads of my... of my mausoleum, of my house, of my Barbie Dream house, and I pull over for some Mexican to go the other way, and he just drives full speed speed like nothing's happening, clipping his mirror with mine without even a hesitation

or slow down as though it's just bicycle, baseball card and bicycle spokes. Just, you know, it's just a piece of plastic, who gives a shit. And this is, this is when I'm in the midst of my fear. Like I was saying, like those abused dog rehabilitation Twitter accounts where you see that look in their eyes and they're like, they're gone.

They're like a wild, they're not a feral animal. They're like an aware animal that's been reduced to this state of fear and loathing and pain. of fear and loathing and pain, you know? The quarter. It's this constant trilemma trifecta of like the devil. He look in their eyes and that's how I felt when that guy hit me with the thing. It's been like that.

Okay, like I said, it's been like that for two weeks straight. This is the first time I've spoken at full volume for two weeks straight. This is the first time I've spoken at full volume in two weeks, because I've been like that animal, so afraid of any, okay, you tell me, you signal when the, I'm gonna hit it. I assume it's rolling. And then even though it's kind of weird.

Is it going? It's going, okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, D, That was a lot of SPL you blasted through there. I think my ears are ringing now. This should be a joyous time. We've got white trash women shouting the N word, making millions of dollars. You know? Yeah.

That's great. Kanye hits us with the funniest song ever made. I think that might be the first piece of art we've had in the past 20 years. I agree with you. That might be the for like, probably since like 86, right? These guys are going around gluing or duct taping bananas to walls, right?

They hooked them. Yeah, they hooked a left, they should have hooked a hard right. They're just looking for government grant money. They weren't looking for anti-government grant money. Oh, man. When my hearing cleared up, that was the first thing that came on. It was like a fizzle crackle.

And then I hit the play button and it was... Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. You know, I didn't even hit the play button. It was just as soon as my hand hit the space bar. It just kind of like biosposed. So I was like, oh, this is going to be stuck in my head now. Ah. God, I made great time back from Vegas today.

That's awesome. I was up at 730. I got your text and was like, what are you doing awake so early? And then I thought, what am I doing awake so early? I was planning my Exodus from Vegas before, as I was driving in, I was like, oh man, this is going to be so awesome. I'm going to wake up at like 730 and get on the road.

I'm going to get home before noon. It's going to be like I never even left. That's what it's going to be. That's gonna be like I never even left. That's what it's gonna be. That's a ambitious goal. It is, right? Very ambitious. Cause I always say that. You do two things in Vegas.

You always say you're gonna go to Red Rock. Like, yeah, I'm gonna go to Red Rock. And like, that's no chance in hell that you're gonna go hiking out in Red Rock. My dad does that every time, of course. I've never done it once. And I'm gonna wake up at 7.30 and get home Red Rock. My dad does that every time, of course. I've never done it once. And I'm going to wake up at 730 and get home before noon. And I fucking did it because this guy,

I was staying at the Plaza, the Plaza Hotel. You survived. Yeah, I survived. Limbs, kidneys, all that's there. Yeah, the guy next door to me, the room next door, he, for some reason, I wanted to go there and hopefully get away from the pollen and the noise. Instead you found the fear.

Oh man, it turns out there's actually a shitload of pollen in Vegas. I didn't know that. I'm gonna get into the whole tinnitus thing too. I think, I hope, I pray to God that it's allergies. I hope so too, man. That's serious shit. Man, because where it was, where this noise in my ears was from the last show we did to about Friday. So about four or five days was not a livable experience

for much longer. You know, I could sense that. It was a real, oh no. There's one person I can always count on, and it's you. And when I got the, you know, I'm absolutely fucked right now. I went, oh, that's, that's never, I never get that text. I was like, man, hey devil,

could I just have like AIDS or something, bro? This is bad. This is real, real bad. I mean, it is bad. This is real, real bad. I mean, it's bad. I can't even like, I can't even put a shirt on without crippling pain. Stabbing into both ears. At the same time,

my own voice sounds like an air raid siren, like a prayer siren., like a prayer siren. A call to prayer siren. Call to prayer, yeah, please. Satan, if you could just give me, if you could just swap this out for AIDS, if you could just hot swap this crippling, painful, tinnitus sound out for AIDS,

I'll do pretty much, I'll do anything. I don't even, I mean, I'm saying pretty much because it's being recorded, but anything. So, you know, just between me and you right anything Or massage if you have some sort of a device that you could do The anti-tonitis if you have some kind of an anti-tonitis device But it should be a joyous time, you know Kanye with the funniest song and them that is the funniest song I

Kanye with the funniest song in them. That is the funniest song. I've never seen so many people describing why a song sucks. Like, oh, you got it. That's what, that'll get them. Hey, here's my 3000 word essay on why this song sucks. Okay. Yeah, you know, we were talking about this a few episodes ago, how's he gonna top the cousin thing?

I completely forgot about the cousin thing again My wife is in this group of like LA women in LA on Facebook. It's not an exclusive group It's just something she's in I don't want to make it sound you know We're the women in LA fancy And she said she woke up after that the video came out and One of the girlfriends of one of the guys in the video dressed up like Wakanda, you know with the animal skins and stuff You know, there's like Fucking awesome. Uh

She said one of the girlfriends of those men was in the group saying that her boyfriend the guy in the in the hell Hitler video is now all of them are on a group chat, just sending pictures of themselves doing pushups and stuff. And she was wondering if there's anything that's gay about that. And then it's just 10,000 women melting down over the anti-Semitism. And she's like, yeah, but is it gay?

Like, that's... That's... You have, they beheaded all of the babies and you're doing, your boyfriend's doing this. She's like, I know, I know, I know, but is it gay? That's what I'm, I'm worried about the cousin dick sucking thing and the gay part, okay? I get it, Holocaust, I got it.

We all got it, okay? Right, if you like it so much, write a fucking song about it. Cause that's what the kids are listening to right now. Write a more offensive song. So we'll listen to that instead. Write a more offensive song. Write a fuck Palestine song. Why don't you?

I forget what I was talking about. What about your neighbor at the Plaza? Oh yeah. So I wanted to get to the Plaza and go to Hackamanian, see Carl and those guys and relax a little bit and see all the people that came out because we sold tickets and then I got hit with this crippling, crippling tinnitus

and Vito had been such a cocksucker for an entire week leading up to the event. Like Patrick Melton and Karl or text me like this is This guy's fucked like he's I mean he's totally banned like you can do the show yourself I'm like, yeah, I'm fine with that. Like he won't stop. I had to block him. He's he won't stop. He won't stop texting about Imaginary gremlins that are hiding in his fucking closet, stealing his toys or whatever.

Tell him, just tell him to fuck, tell, yeah, pull his room. They're about to get his lucky charms. He also has the fear. Oh yeah, he's got the fear. But then I get hit with this thing and I'm like, fuck. Now I kind of wish, I kind of really, I don't feel like going, I don't feel good, but you know I don't want to be another problem If it was if it had stayed bad

I wouldn't have gone, but it it cleared up about halfway through cleared up about tonight. It's not the veto No that got worse so The V Titus got worse The V-titis got worse. So I want to go and get away from it. Get away from it all for a bit. Maybe, maybe clear up, maybe hopefully clear up and get some rest, get some rest. Cause I haven't had any sleep in like a week at that point.

Yeah. It's not like you can plug your ears. It's in your skull. It's in your skull. You're just, you're cursed. You got the mummies cursed. You got the man's a. I got the Christian curse. You did. So I get there and I tuck her in, you know, nice and early.

Like I've never done in Vegas. Fold my clothes up when I get to the room. Oh, I put them in a drawer. I'll put my little suit. I hope I don't sound deaf by the way because I can't hear You know shit, so how about telling like just that's that's been us this welcome to the dicto Thank you, I to fix it afterward you got to keep up it Look the sloth episode everybody

So I say goodnight to my wife and I go to bed and I am woken up by the neighbor. The walls there must be made of paper at the Plaza. They actually sanded, they renovated it and they sanded down the old drywall to get it real, you know, even thinner. They sent a crew in there to sand it down. Just to the paper.

Yeah. And I said, okay, maybe he forgot to turn his alarm off. You know, that's an easy fuck up. And then doze that back off a little bit. And then, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Okay, now I'm thinking, what kind of idiot, what kind of idiot am I dealing with here? Someone who is using the default alarm,

which is an IQ test, you know. That's a rage inducer. You might as well have a Android phone. And someone who is a snoozer, right? It keeps hitting snooze, snooze, snooze, snooze. I don't know why you need to get up at 5 a.m. But whatever, so I'm up. All right, no sleep that night.

Today, today I was waiting for it. It was like, I don't know, somehow I knew it was gonna happen. Five, four, 49, 59 rolls around and I go, one eye open. And sure enough, I just launched out of bed and said fuck it I'm done this was obviously up this was obviously a stupid idea to think that I could sleep past because the dog wakes me up at 730 here you know obviously a stupid idea thinking I would escape hell no one

escapes no no one is well the ride never is the escape hell. No one escapes. No, no one is well the ride never ends. The ride never ends. No one escapes. So I jump up and I cram all my stuff my folded up stuff out of the drawers into my bags and Head out to head out the door of Vegas and sure shit right when I'm out the door I hear as I'm leaving Fucking pound out the door I hear as I'm leaving Fucking pound on the door It's pretty didn't punch through the wall and turn the phone off yourself I should have punched right through that yeah that paper thin round turn it off bend his phone in half and call it a day Shove it up his ass, right?

What is with these people I was walking around downtown Vegas and I saw no shit Right. What is with these people? I was walking around downtown Vegas and I saw no shit. I saw a, there was one of those bars that has like 600 taps. You know, you can't see the, you can see the curvature of the earth on the bar taps. You know, they're going down at the end or maybe just a bunch of Mexicans built it. Probably both. I got a deck update too. My wife said, she's like, I'm surprised that so many people like hearing about your deck. And I'm like, you know, Adam Corolla talked about his deck for like six months on his show. And I think about

that story probably every day. It's pretty much like, it's our version of like being pregnant, having a deck and then having the city come ruin it. That's like, pretty, that's pretty much the only thing you get to do as a man in life. Say no to all the vaccines for your deck. No, you can't do that. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so after the show, the last show we did,

do you remember, I don't know if you remember this, it was so weird. This entire two weeks has been absolutely horrible and it's not getting a lot better, so I don't know, so I apologize for my lack of mirth and nihilism. mirth And nihilism Lack of nihilism? Yeah, lack of nihilism because it actually hurts. I actually want to live Today. Oh, not like usual. Now, this is this is like it's a wonderful life at the end The worst part of the movie when he's running. I want to live. I want to live. No. It's really hard to do nihilistic comedy when you want to live. Yeah the worst part of the movie when he's running. I wanna live, I wanna live now.

It's really hard to do nihilistic comedy when you want to live. Yeah. At some point last week during the show, I remember mentioning to you, man, my ears crackling, something's going on here. And shortly after the show, I went up to my parents' house.

That's right. And got hit with the most bizarre, bizarre, like, audio vertigo dizziness. I was sitting there listening to my dad talk about God knows what, and my zoning out went to, like, a new level of zoning out that I didn't even know I had like Alzheimer's kicking in or something. And I remember getting dizzy and sweating and I'm like, this is something's wrong.

Something's going on here. And the sound of everyone's voice started making me feel sick in a real physical way. Right. Not, I'm smarter than you sick, which is what it usually feels like. But ow, this hurts. Yeah. This is what it must be.

This is what it must sound like talking to me. Oh, the things that you're saying hurt me. I'm physically repulsed by this. I'm getting psychic damage listening to you talk. And the ringing started then too. So I was like, honey'm gonna kick damage listening to you talk. And the ringing started then too. So I was like, honey, we gotta go. I don't know what's going on here, but we gotta go. We gotta get out of here.

So he came back and I passed out right away. And the next day I wake up to this siren in my head and it's crippling. Like I don't even wanna do the noise cause it's so- It might spawn again. It might trigger it, right? It's- Oh, you mean this sound?

This siren's like, oh! And everything, I mean everything hurt. Instant, instant physical pain, scratching my shirt. Like like like this, you know, you can't hear it Yeah, you can't hear it. I don't know if people can hear that. I don't know if you can hear that Hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt and I did the I did the dumbest thing possible, of course, which is look it up on on Google and it's like basically

up on Google. And it's like basically, I've never seen this happen on Google before. It was like an old pop-up ad. Remember when you would get infected with tool bars and stuff and just cover your screen and pornography, except instead of pornography, it was suicide hotline numbers to not kill yourself because of what you're searching.

And I'm like, oh no, man. What is this guys are talking about? People are throwing terms around like hyper acute or rare diseases. I'm like, this is, God, this can't be, this can't be happening to me, please. Oh no, this is what I get. Is this the end?

This is the fear. This is the, the fear comes from Google. You gotta turn that shit off. You gotta think happy thoughts, man. Otherwise the swamp is gonna suck you down. It's hard to think happy thoughts when, you know. I know, man. That's, your horse is gonna fall into pit of despair.

You gotta just. Oh, I gotta get, yeah. That's a sad scene that you're bringing up. That horse really died. Right, that's fucked. I can't even whistle to show how happy I am. Right, you gotta... Instant pain.

You gotta just start swinging your arms around, man, and, you know, do something. I call up the ENT or medical insurance or whomever. I paid God knows how much money into this system. I should be able to get this taken care of, lickety split, right? And they say, well, the ENT's appointment, you can get one in three weeks.

That's helpful. And you gotta go down to the audio lab slash wet market first to see what's wrong with your hearing. I say, I know there's, I know what's wrong with my hearing. I've been playing music for 30 years. This ear is a little deaf, a high end, cause the piano, that's it. And what I love about this,

what I love about this whole thing really is I posted on Twitter that I was having tinnitus problems and somebody, one of the first comments goes, my favorite thing about having tinnitus is everyone saying it's your fault. And I remember reading that going, huh, I wonder what he means by that. And boy, do I know what he means by that now.

I know it's some kind of a compulsion that people have where if they can't fix it, it's your, they're angry at you and it's your fault. Well, yeah, maybe you shouldn't have done this for the past 30 years. It's because you, here's a JAMA study. Here's a medical study on how alcoholism is tinnitus. It's like, okay, thanks.

I'll just go, I'm gonna go drink a bunch of baking soda. Right. I'm gonna go drink a silo and undo it. Thank you very much for that. Somebody else, oh, it's cause you did cocaine. What am I, one of Nick Cata's kids? How much coke do you think I'm doing over here? I don't even like this stuff.

I just kept it around previously cause other people do a little bump. I do little baby lines. I'm like, give me that little guy. Oh yeah, all right. Now I'm grooving. All right.. I'm like, give me, give me that little guy. Oh yeah, all right. Now I'm grooving. All right. Like I'm fucking.

Now we're on Baker Street. Somebody said it's cause you yell all the time. Who knew somebody, it's the smug way they do it too. Who knew that shouting yeah, every week would ruin your hearing. I mean, no one thinks that shouting yeah every week has caused life-ending crippling tinnitus, you fucking, you jackass.

The first time whoever invents a way to send a punch or a choke through TCPIP will be my favorite hero just right through the fucking screen. Who knew that saying yeah every week would, like, you really think that that's- you really think this is an occupational hazard, me going yeah? You don't think guys routinely go around shouting yeah at any kind of bigger volume than that? You think that's- you think that's why I'm cursed now? To a life of deafness and pain? A half a day of yard construction is louder than all of those.

A toilet seat accidentally closing is louder than that. Yeah. What a fuck? Talk for three hours a week. Well, that's what you get. What do you mean that's what I get? And you can tell when I got a bunch of, I got all the doctor's appointments in the world lined up,

because you know right when you walk in, you know that the doctor already has made up their mind just looking at you, what's wrong with you. And I know it, now I go in there and try to read them. I'll get to that. So I get the feedback, it know, it's super helpful. And somebody says, one of them says, it was Friday at that point.

And I've been in the fetal position for about three days with my earplugs in. And I can't hear, I usually never have the studio headphones on because I'm just worried about I'm paranoid about my hearing so I just hear like the bone vibrating of my voice and then I'm like well is that doing it am I vibrating my fucking bones into into dust over here can I just not am I just not allowed to talk am I the am I the fucking Beethoven of podcasting now I

was gonna say where I just can't hear it I Am I the fucking Beethoven of podcasting now? Yeah, I was gonna say. Where I just can't hear it? I'll take it. If the choice is between total deafness and this fucking ringing that is hurting, that I'm shaking salt on dinner going, ow! And nothing else is wrong. You have to sit here with your hands on the table while you yell.

I'll take it. If I have a choice, I'll take it. But you don't have a choice. You don't have a choice, yeah. You just have to take it. Yeah, Monday goes, I try to make appointments. Nada, coming in three weeks, like, okay. No problem, I'll just put myself in a box, like a Chinese acrobat for three weeks. No problem at all. I'll just put myself in a box,

like a Chinese acrobat for three weeks. No problem at all. Tuesday comes around, it's getting worse and worse. I got earplugs in, in the shower, everything says, well, run some water. You know, distract yourself. I'm like, man, I don't think that's going to work. I turn it on.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! What is it written by the water company? Yeah, the big water. Just turn your shower off for a few hours.

Put this together. Something about running the water all the time. Yeah. It's good for your, it's relaxing to the primitive side of you. It's good for your ears. It distracts you from the noise. Think about your bill.

The noise isn't the problem, dude. It's the crippling fucking stabbing pain. But it's your fault. It is your- it's cause of- it's cause of doing a couple bumps of cocaine, or drinking, you know, some beers. Right. Or saying- or saying yeah. Yep. Saying yeah will get you in. Uh... Dangerous word that one.

And meanwhile, Patrick Melton's texting me. Do you want to just do Hackamania by yourself? Because Vito won't shut up about some guy who's gonna... I didn't tell him, he's lying about all the stuff about security, I don't know what the fuck he's talking about, he won't stop texting me. And I said, yeah, he, yeah, sure, whatever you need. Whatever you need, Eric.

And they're doing construction all around my house. A bunch of the day laborers that clipped my truck found the sex doll in the garage, so they're all cavorting and giggling. Like teenagers. That's- that made it worth keeping the whole time, you know? I leave those pieces of shit- now let me back you up a little bit. There we go. I leave these fucking idiots here to install the solar panels in my house, which turned into a huge job, of course. Of course.

And the one thing I ask them to do is turn the gas back on. When they knock it off. Go in, and I assume as they're nodding that... The yeah means, yeah, you're going to have to check it again afterward. Yeah. The yeah means somebody thought it'd be funny to teach all the Mexican contractors that nodding yes actually means no, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. Like, hey, if you ever don't..., you don't understand what somebody's saying,

just nod yes, like this. That's American English for I don't know what the fuck you're talking about and I have no idea how to do what you're saying. Just go smile and go like this, nod. Like this. Get out of anything. And then the person you're talking to will know that you're communicating that you have no fucking idea what they're talking about So I say so let's do some roleplay Johnny you ask me to make sure that I don't turn the gas off while you're

Installing the solar inverter on the side of my house, and I'll be the Mexican day laborer. Okay, you got it Just don't turn the gas off while you're doing this Perfect see how I'm nodding. Yeah. Yeah, I'm communicating to you that I have no fucking off while you're doing this. Perfect. See how I'm nodding? Yeah. Yeah, I'm communicating to you that I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. Yeah, we'll fix it in post is what that means. It is fixing it in post. So I text my wife as I'm driving to Vegas,

hey, go turn the stove off and go turn the stove, the burner on and leave it on for 20 minutes to see if they fucked up the gas. Cause I don't want her to have no hot water. And she goes, it went off. And I minutes to see if they fucked up the gas. Cause I don't want her to have no hot water. And she goes, it went off. And I said, okay, they fucked up the gas. Tell them to come in and restart the water heater. Tell them to do the gas thing.

Just restart the gas and tell them to restart the water heater. And I get five minutes later, she goes, they don't know how to restart the water heater. I said, did you have to do it again? Well, I was gone already. Oh, right. One of them, one of those fuckers

must know how to restart a water heater. So I'm getting play-by-play updates from her. They're all standing around. More and more of them are coming in as they don't know how to do it. You're of the idea that more Mexicans will solve the issue. Not that one will do it, but that somehow a collection of Mexicans. It's like the Borg.

Like the Borg. They need more computing power. So she goes, yeah, there's more of them. She's updating me. Another one came in. Another one came in. Another one came in. Now they're making explosion sounds and they're clicking the pilot light and they're making a clicking sound.

I'm like, that's the pilot light. Okay. That's a good start. And she's like, another one came in. Now they're making, they're laughing and making explosion sounds. I said, hey, hey, just so can you go in the other room? Like don't watch them. Just, and she goes, no, no, I'm not in that room.

I know I'm not gonna get around six Mexicans. Playing with a bomb. Like how, we really need to, we needed to import guys that don't know how to start a water heater? Well, if I recall, your water heater is notoriously, it's a funny, it's a joke water heater. It likes to blow up in your face

every time you try and reignite it. Well, cause I got the coyotes that run right by my house and knock the gas off every, you know. That's right. I forget what I was gonna say. Oh yeah. So Tuesday rolls around, I'm still on the ground and I'm thinking I'm in the upside down,

which I hate to say, but man, these are dark times here. I'm like, I really, I'm in the, I'm in the darkness of starting to look at bank accounts and thinking, okay, if I can't ever work again, how much time, how many SpaghettiOs can I buy my son? I'm panicking in terror. Like, how can I raise a kid? I can't even fucking talk!

How am I supposed to yell at my son? So you shave your head and become a monk. Should I get out of here? Should I just leave? Should I go buy some cigarettes and never come back? Honey, you need to find a man who can hear to raise this boy. Cause I can't. I can't hear no more. You need one of those old horns just stick up to your ear the whole time fucking cranky Kong over here I ordered

one of those off Amazon you see yeah and you know the crazy thing is with tinnitus is you plug your ears to stop the pain, which I was doing, but it makes the ringing like 10,000 times louder. Because it can't escape your dome. That's because you can't hear anything else. The tinnitus sound is your brain trying to make up for the missing sound that's in your ear, which it will try to do increasingly if you have no sound. It looks like the total amount you haven't

heard of that frequency. And it's like, well, let's just give it to you all at once. Yeah, okay. Well, the hairs aren't making that frequency. So just give them, pump that frequency in there. Yeah, oh, shit, you haven't heard that in like five years? That's cool, we'll just give it, we'll give you five years worth of 10K.

So Tuesday or Wednesday, my wife says, you know, I might be TMJ. Cause I'm flying blind now. No doctor, right and they're they're worthless anyway And I'm at the point where I'm just buying y'all buy I'll take anything now. I'm in the fiend fiend state I'll do anything. I'll take anything whatever you want put it in my mouth Just get rid of them put a drill in my fucking the side of my fucking head I don't care gotta go down to the Chinese herb market man., just get rid of the, put a drill in my fucking, the side of my fucking head. I don't care. You gotta go down to the Chinese herb market, man.

Yeah, get rid of it. She goes, maybe it's TMJ, you should get Botox. I say, okay. I go to the Botox clinic looking like a homeless person and it's all about like feminine, I go in there and it's like in Glendale, so it's all Armenian and it's all about like feminine I go in there and it's like in Glendale. So it's all Armenian and It's all about like femininity and health because it's a slash. It's a med spa Botox place about

Injecting yourself with you know, well, they know they're demographic. They know yeah, we all know what it's for It's not for the likes of me or a face rock there, too. Yeah, it's a face rock place And I'm in there just like this. I Haven't slept in today Or a face rock there too. Yeah, it's a face rock place. And I'm in there just like this. I haven't slept in two days. The lady goes, oh, the bathrooms, you know, there's no bathroom in here. And I'm like, no, no, I have an appointment for the TMJ Botox, because I'm desperate.

And I finally get back in there and the doctor explains to me that, you know, I, my smile might get droopy and not to, you know, that the, that it might mess up my face. And I'm like, man, I don't, do I look, do you think that I look like I care about my fucking face?

What is it gonna give you a stroke or something? Yeah, he had to take pictures of me. I'm like, why are you taking pictures of my face? Before he does the Botox injection, he's like, well, to see if you're sloping, to see if some patients report a sloping in their face, like I don't give a fuck about. So it's like your patients have a slope in their forehead.

I said, really? Because yeah, my, one of the nurse practitioners like says her face gets, her smile gets all droopy when she does it. And I said, okay, but really? Like between us guys, she's, that's bullshit, right? Yeah, she's just fat, right? Yeah, she's just fat, right? Yeah, she's just getting fat, right?

So he goes, okay, this is gonna sting. I'm like, all right. He starts sawing the Botox needle into my head. He's like, I'm gonna go right behind the muscle here. And it's like, it sounds like, it sounds like just gristle. Like when you're chewing on a bone, like, I'm like, oh God, okay.

So he's getting really deep in there, right? And this is basically to deaden your jaw muscles so you don't clench your teeth too much, which I have a huge problem with. And I notice it when I'm on the computer or my jaw will start clenching up. So you don't clench your teeth too much which I have a huge problem with and I know you know I notice it when I'm on the computer or my jaw will start clenching up. So my stressful being on the computer man. Oh No You know all the news coming at you. Yeah

Passwords, it's just a window into sin. You could go anywhere. It's very stressful You could go anywhere. It's very stressful. That's how he's sawing in there. And I'm hearing like, I'm just imagining like, you know, muscle getting sawed in half and the serrated blade. Like this is fucking disgusting. And he's halfway, he's got his needle halfway in there and my phone starts going And now I'm like panic sweating right? Oh god Then he goes. Oh wow Something's uh, someone really wants to get a hold of you That's all right. Hold on pulls it out. I pull out my phone

Guess who? Could have been veto. It's the captain of, it's the king of comedy. Saying after, after melting down about hackamania and finally shutting the fuck up, it's, I didn't even read the whole thing because I was too angry. It's, so am I invited to Boston? Because people are asking me and I don't know what to tell them and I feel like as part of the show and I went block

permanent permanent block life block yeah I noticed... You mean to tell me after all of this bullshit, it's... So am I going to... So am I going to boss... And the jaw starts... I can feel the Botox running down the side of my face. Squeeze it all right back out. Just squeeze it all right back out. Sigh. So Wednesday night passes, no sleep again, Thursday and Friday, and then it becomes, you know, it's real on Friday, because we're supposed to do the show, and I can't do it. It's just insanely painful, and I make a tweet about it,

make a post about it, look, I'm fucked up. I don't know what's gonna happen It's uh It's uh, the life is wonderful, you know, this this is the fourth act of the life of life is wonderful for me, right? I'm Scrooge at the end of A Christmas Carol begging Fucking Pete to get me out of this flaming coffin, right? I didn't do this I didn't do this. I didn't do this. It wasn't... Me saying yeah is not what caused this. I don't know, man. It's been eight whole years of screaming yeah.

Of saying yeah. No, I know. Who's ever said yeah before? Once a week. Surely not at sporting events or? And these are off, you know? Yeah, right, exactly. Hey Beckham, you gotta chill out with the yes. You're gonna give yourself crippling life ending tinnitus. So I make the post on Twitter,

which I honestly should have done right away because the best way to fix anything, especially something that requires medical expertise is to just ask a thousand random people. It's totally retarded to take it up with a doctor. Because even, you might, you know, they will have gone to a doctor. Honestly, that's why, that's why like a mob is so much better than one expert, because all the retards in the mob will have gone and asked their own expert. Or they've figured it out themselves. So I tweet it out there and I say, describe it.

And somebody says, hey, you need to go to the ER immediately. If you have this, I had that, SSHL or something, sudden sensory neuro hearing loss. I had that, go to the doctor immediately, get on a steroid immediately, and you can fix it. And I'm sitting under this table on Twitter, right? And I see that guy and I said, okay, done. All right.

My wife later said, she says, I saw that guy and I didn't want to bring it up because I knew you wouldn't listen to me. So I saw that guy say that and I'm like, yes. So I go to the- She beat you at your own game. I go to urgent care or whatever. With my earplugs in just seething,

hating everyone, doing their normal stuff. You know, I'm seething at them. And I'm fully expecting some fat Filipina to thank me for giving her $30 and then send me on my way. You know, here's a Kleenex. Make sure you vote. Make sure you give us a good review on Yelp.

I go in, true to form, big fat Filipina, manning the front desk. And I say, wonderful, I'm here to waste my time. I had an appointment to waste my time. You can see me on the big screen there. Yeah, just like, let me fuck my whole day up. Initials, duh. And of course, somehow she's behind, even though there's only three people in the waiting room.

These things are none of my concern. Just part of the world we live in. I go in the elevator and I hope, honestly for a moment, as I, when I get in, I hope that it doesn't open and that the elevator cable snaps and that I wake up in hell. It can't possibly be worse, I think.

The burning would be a nice distraction from the sound. I'm waiting in the waiting room for the doctor and something changes. I don't know what it is or something takes pity on me. I don't know what it is or something takes pity on me. In walks a gay white man. And I think, no way. Am I saved? Is this, wait a minute.

You're telling me there's a chance? There's no, are you... I rub his eyes, I'm like, are you two fat Filipina nurses? It's like a Scooby Doo disguise. Something, yeah, I'm pulling at his face and his cock. I'm like, what's going on here? You're a doctor? A white doctor? Where is the joke?

Where is the practical joke? Are there cameras? I sit down and explain the explain the what's going on and it was the strangest strangest thing that's never happened to me talking to a doctor before he's looking at me the whole time listening. I'm like, this is am I in the wrong hospital or something? Did I get... did they mark me down for the good stuff? Cause I didn't pay for the good stuff. I paid for the regular shit that I always have got my whole life. And he goes, yeah, I'm going to give you steroids like that Twitter guy told you, but I think

it's allergies. I said, there's no possible way. It's how could this possibly be? Look, I'm fine. What do you mean? He goes, yeah, I think it's allergies. I said, I don't, okay. He goes, here's some algae samples.

Take this. Call me in the morning and I start crying I'm like, I Oh Mean I don't have to live like this Forever Because now I think you're gonna be alright in like his gay way though Right, which actually Which I actually believed. Well, at least you know he's being serious.

Yeah. To some extent. Yeah. You know. I said, okay. So he gives me a, probably the most consoling handshake he's allowed to give a patient. I could tell that he's like, awkwardly,

he's like, man, you're fucked up. And I'm like, yeah, well, it's my whole life. Like, I can't, if I can't yell into a microphone, like, I'm pretty much fucked. I can't do anything else. I don't have anything else. You don't understand, man. I need this. You don't understand, man. I need this.

You don't understand, man. I really need to be able to talk. The hearing you can take, but I have to be able to talk. You're telling me the last thing I heard on this earth is Merlogic? Talking about his jack-off commissions? say it ain't so doc say it ain't so doc he says have you noticed your eyes itching and I said bro a week ago my eyes were itching so bad that I had to like shift you know when your eyes itching your eyes so much you have to like shift to a kind of a vibratey kind of thing and he goes yeah, that's allergies

And I said in my eye vibrates too and he goes allergies and I said and the last thing I did before the show with Johnny my wife went out of town and I got wasted and I fell asleep with the doors open And he goes bingo wasted and I fell asleep with the doors open. And he goes, bingo. I'm like, you're fucking kidding me. Ben.

You mean to tell me I could have gotten out of those cups at any time? You got the whole wombo combo before you went to get it figured out out man. So I popped the pills and about 20 minutes later, a hundred? I mean, two, five, Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeeee eeeee Boom! It's a, it's a Yeismas miracle, man. That's a Yeismas miracle. That was very Christmasy. I don't even know if it's, I mean,

I don't even know if it's a particularly good story, but I can't think of anything else. And I haven't been able to think of anything else for two weeks. Well, the moral is listen to people on Twitter and then go to the doctor. The moral is listen to people on Twitter and then go to the doctor. The moral is listen to Twitter. Yes.

Always listen to Twitter. Even if they tell you to kill yourself. Especially then, especially you're fucking up then. Right, yeah. So then my ENT appointment finally rolls around and I go in. I can see the look on her face, you know, immediately. I'm like, what are you gonna tell me it is? I don't, I could say,

I could say I have a satellite dish coming out of my ass and you're gonna say the same thing, what it is. I already paid the 65 bucks. I can tell. I just get a, I got an, I know, I know that you're, I know that you're, I know that you already know what's wrong with me. Right.

And it's my fault for going to a woman. I desperately try to, I desperately try to avoid them. But it's very difficult. Those monks will tell you it's even in, even in monasteries, you can't avoid them completely. She goes, well, sounds like it's because you grind your teeth. And I was like, I knew it. I knew it was gonna be my fault somehow.

And I knew it was gonna be some kind of stupid stress shit like that is extra, like that's also feminizing and humiliating. I fucking knew. I was like, okay, okay, tell me. So then it all went away with the algae pill. That's also, that's also feminizing and humiliating. I fucking, I was, okay, okay, tell me. So then it all went away with the allergy pill. That's also, she goes, yeah, that could be teeth grinding too. Like, okay.

You should have flipped her table over like Jesus at the temple. Stab her in the fucking ear. You don't know shit, lady. I told Carl this story, he goes, I didn't know allergies could do that. I'm like, yeah, me, they should really get the word out. That's fucked. That's cuz it just make it seem like oh, it's coughing and itching and sneezing Not yeah, you'll want to actually get a kill yourself

You know, I could have had one day off a holocaust holocaust class in high school and I could I heard about this might be allergies Would have been helpful. I Would have been helpful. Would have been helpful. Guys, did you get hit on your head? I said, not for a while. I don't make a habit of getting hit in the head, no. What is that supposed to mean? What's that supposed to fucking mean?

Somebody solved homelessness. You wanna see this? I do. Let's see what they got here. So thanks for listening. You know, it's going to be kind of a weird show. I don't know. It's going to be a couple of weird shows

before I figure out what to do with my ears. Cause they're still ringing. And it's like, I'm afraid that hearing anything is going to make it worse. Even though I know taking the pill lessened it, I'm gonna go get a shot. I gotta go off the pills to go get the allergy test, which is amazing.

30 panel on you. I'm just like, just give me all of it. Just assume it's all of it. I don't care. Just put it in my veins. Make something my fault, please. you know make something my fault, please God make something my fault Okay, here's for once right? Yeah for once I would love it I Pull this shit up

Can you hear that I don't know if has sound can you hear that? I don't know if it has sound. I can hear that. This guy created a tiny home that could solve homelessness. He's showing off the home. It's a pretty incredible invention here, Johnny. It's called a trailer. I don't know if you've ever heard of that before. A trailer. You know, in all the years of those DIY shows

and networks on TV, I've never seen anyone turn a trailer into a little place you could live. A trailer. He's taken a trailer and turned it into a trailer. It's amazing. Now, and you see, there's a drawer there for the homeless people to put their. He's taken a trailer and turned it into a trailer. It's amazing. Now, and you see there's a drawer there for the homeless people to put their

Ross fashion collection that I guess that's a big problem for the homeless. Definitely not something they're just gonna shit in. Right. Until it fills up completely. There's a microwave here that they could rip out of the wall and use take it apart when they're high on meth or use it as a weapon. That's my favorite

thing ever man. Watching crackheads trying to take that shit apart. Not one of them has ever put something back together. I don't know why they're obsessed with taking it apart. Go go for it. Okay so from, so from doing posters and stuff all those nights, you would see them because they see computer chips, circuit boards of any kind, and think, oh, technology, that's worth something. So then they always think they're going to fix the TV, fix the microwave, fix the whatever.

It's usually microwaves. Yeah. Always disassembling it further and further, either trying to like get rid of the cameras that are inside because the government's spying on them. Right. And then they'll sell you a camera-free microwave or, you know, hey brother, I got this, you know, this TV.

You want to buy it? Like, absolutely not. And then they're always trying to fix it the furthest away from any sort of power source too. In the middle of the street, sitting on a milk crate, microwave in a billion pieces, looking confused as all fuck, but still convinced that this is going to come together. Yeah, it's fascinating.

It's always with electronics, too. Well, because it just is like, well, this is complicated. So that's automatically worth something. I could sell this for $100 to somebody and then go. I guess they do try to do that with like math too. Like they'll sit there and try to figure out like esoteric mathematical graphs that just have no basis in math at all.

I was posturing up an old shoe store on a, it was, I think on, anyway, it doesn't matter what the cross street was. It was Laurel Canyon. Yeah. And I saw there was a total crackhead Winnebago out front. And then one of them came out. And then all of a sudden,

it's like the crack Avengers show up and they all get in line and start hitting it. And I'm putting posters up and I look over and you just smell that burning plastic smell. And I'm like, oh, fuck you. I got all of 10 minutes to be here before they all start losing their cool and this sucks but they I sat there doing posters but I was listening they were all trying to explain the word splendiferous to each other yeah but

were convinced that like they had just unlocked some secret like yeah yeah magical spell I'm telling you man crack must be the coolest thing ever. I just, argh. I can't bring myself to ever want to do it. I just, I love seeing other people do it, though. I can't get in the head of, like, an adult person who's stupid enough to think that a trailer with anything that you can pry or pull off

or scrape or, unless the trailer's entirely made out of fentanyl I don't see how it's gonna solve the homelessness problem. Oh the all the couches should come dusted with fentanyl so when you lay down and you die instant over yeah you turn into fentanyl it's like it's like it's like childish to see this. You gotta be safe right? See even even the presentation. Like, is this what you think is... Do you think the homelessness problem is caused by a lack of homes? Let's start there.

A lack of boxes. Sorry. Do you think that the homeless problem is caused by a lack of enclosed spaces? Because it's not. We have just tons of... We have tons of boxes. The homeless have tons of boxes. Actually, the homeless could just build their own houses

Look man like veto said photo of rectangles This is a problem That's great Okay, let's see that's such like an elementary school kid project to like we'll make an invention like well I you know my invention is you plant pennies and then a nickel tree comes out Oh, wow, oh that's has zero basis It's great man. Yeah, maybe a little garden so the homeless could grow their own food They could barely think that they could bury each other in it and then that'll create the food

They really think they have no concept of how much food that you eat like bro You need like an acre and a half. Yeah, like well. Yeah, these people have no concept of real homeless people Cool trailer though, um, it's a cool trailer. Let's see here. Oh Yeah, there's a new statue Maybe that's why your tinnitus is acting up What there's a dark energy erected in the. Oh man, the statues of fat black women are popping up all over the world.

Did you see that? I did. It's an alien, space aliens are planting these horrendous fat black lady statues. This Banksy era is pretty funny, man. Is that who's doing it? Is it Banksy? I imagine so, right?

Ugh. 12 foot plus size black lady. She's not even that fat. Like, for, I mean, for ladies. I can't hear what he's saying. I'm sure it's fucking stupid. That's all right. Oh, you got it on mute.

Oh, I got it on mute? OK. We all need some time to be together What are they doing? Like a Soul Train shit? Yeah, they're singing them We All Eat Somebody. Um... And they're all looking at a Burger King while singing it. Does this have to go in Times Square? Can't you put this like somewhere where it will get stolen?

Put it in TSA. That's- I would- if I could go to TSA and every time it was like some fascist, like fat black woman with a cape standing over and like Stacey Abrams in Star Wars like just lording over- Fucking M. bison over here Yeah, exactly a fat black woman in an M bison uniform at the TSA. That's where it belongs not bison mmm bison Bison comma bite. What are you cooking? Mmm bison? God damn it how many fat black ladies are in bronze? Maybe they're actual black ladies that are getting bronzed like a curse.

Well, you know, maybe they all just got into like the statue performance art, right? Oh, yeah. Is there like a little hat and some music she's got and you know, she does this, she tips your hat to you and if you throw in a dollar, she does a sunglass thing and follows you around for a little bit. Have you seen those statue guys where someone will come up and like kick them in the head? Yeah. And thinking they're a statue?

Yeah, that's... They always act all put out. It's like, well, that's a normal thing to do. You're weird. Yeah, you're the fucking weird one. You're the weird one. Fucking idiot. Uh, okay.

That's cool. Thanks for sending that in That's a shit ton of bronze man They're running out. Well, that's why having a bronze shortage That's where all our tongues did should go Was there like a casting call to get the right Fat black lady. Yeah, you know was there a focus group to find like the right fat black lady? Yeah, you know, was there a focus group to find, like, the correct fat black lady? Um, or the incorrect. Let me see. Fat black lady statues.

I did see what you're saying, that there's a bunch of them. Yeah, they're like, it's like the obelisk thing, right? Yeah, maybe it's another Jeep ad. Right. Get your ass out of town. Around the world. Our suspensions could handle one of these beasts. I got to get that nice gay doctor a card or something.

I'll suck his dick. I should just cut straight to the chase. Hey, man, I'll suck your dick for that one. I got you a mini fat black lady statue. Hey, buddy. Thanks for that medical stuff. Here's a little life replica of that fat. We created them for you.

She's eat, pray, love, but she stopped at eat. Kept doing it. I don't see him. Just that 12 foot tall one. So is it there permanently or what? They melted down Robert E. Lee, general Robert E Robert E Lee and they made him into a fat black lady All right, that's yeah whatever

There's something to that, you know, there's like a There should be more of them like that those Chinese terracotta soldiers You want a whole army of fat pissed off black, black ladies. Maybe I'll start making them. Well, that's at the DMV headquarters, like underneath. They make a bronze statue of, or a clay statue of, terracotta soldier of all their best employees. Yeah. Each one has a different attitude.

Each one set a different record for how many phone calls they hung up on? phone calls they hung up on? Oh, they have panic buttons in New York City now. So if you're getting robbed, the government gives you a panic button. So if you're just in New York City, you can hit the panic button. That's pretty nice.

Panic button in New York City, all right. Hackamania was fun. Carl's show, it was good to see Nick. He was sober. Damn. I think, I mean, I don't know. Who knows, man. Who cares?

Who cares? Who gives a fuck? I'm too busy thinking about this panic button right now. New York City is spending 1.6 million to install panic buttons and 500 bodegas after spike in violent deli crimes They're stealing the meats New York City will install 500 panic buttons. Yeah, they connect directly to the NYPD command center Not 9-1-1. It skips 9-1-1 Huh? Center. Not 911. It skips 911.

Huh. Can we just, can everyone skip 911? Surely this won't go bad in any sort of way. No one knows who would actually have a device or not. That adds to the omnipresent and element of surprise that we're looking for, the mayor said. Isn't that what a gun is for? Like, isn't that, isn't that why you, isn't that why everyone

might have a gun? That's a pretty good surprise. Surprise cock. Yeah. Huh. I don't think that's going to work. I don't think pulling out a big red button like it's like sales that like summer sale is on at Macy's.

It's like other life alert. Yeah. I don't think hitting a life alert bracelet's going to strike fear into the hearts of criminals who are stealing the meats. Yeah, how fast are the police going to get there anyway? They don't. Oh, no, that's not part of this. No.

Did you see him mention the police? No. It's just the alert. After a spike in violent deli crimes. That sounds like a joke. Sounds a little kind of like mafioso, doesn't it? Mm-hmm. Viol violent deli crimes. That sounds like a joke. Sounds a little kind of like mafioso, doesn't it? Mm-hmm. Violent deli crimes.

Which delis? All right, Maddox one retard of the month this week. I miss, see, it should be a happy time. It should be a happy time, man. But it's not. People cheering the funding cuts to NPR and PBS have never listened to it. NPR is one of the most neutral news orgs there is. It has the trait of every good news organization.

It's boring. If you're feeling strong emotions watching the news, it's because it's entertainment, not news. Uh, hard disagree. Hard disagree. Hey, there's a war. You're going to war. Oh, man, I feel really neutral about that. Huh. Yeah, it's like,

it's like when you check the news channel on your Wii currently. So like, here's the Wii, like, outlines and everything. And it's like, oh, Bin Laden was in here like, huh, shit. Like, okay, next. Like, it's just that level of like, yeah, but it's like oh bin Laden was in here like huh shit like okay next like it's Just that level of like yeah, but it's on my Nintendo like yeah I don't care that it's serious or not like I saw Michael rap before was making fun of Maddox

That's funny. You know he stepped on my foot once he did yeah, what happened were you being anti-semitic? No, well, that's Yeah, no it, we were doing, then it was the documentary for the new edition, or that band, the new, or new edition. Okay. But he's their sleazeball manager at some point. Okay.

We were doing a shoot for it, I walked around the corner and he walked out of a door at the same time, stepped on my foot and was like, oh Jesus, man, I'm so fucking sorry. Like, it was like super cool about it. And I was like, dude, like, it was fine. Like, then I saw him in Larchmont the next day and I was like super cool about it. I was like dude like it's fine like Then I saw him in March mod the next day and he was like, how's your foot man? I'm like fine, dude But you have to know that he of all people is dunking on Maddox is awesome. Yeah, I'm trying to find it retard retard finder

Found Maddox and was making fun of him. Yeah, here's Michael Rappaport Maddox and was making fun of him. Yeah, who are part of a harassment mob that makes fake rape allegations death threats and Docs as people sure I think harassment mob sounds like a cool like drum and bass crew right yeah Mob but like harassment who's up next harassment mobs oh shit, like their music's probably fucking crazy. Do they make fake rape allegations? Nah. They must, yeah. Death threats?

Yeah, definitely. And they'll dox you. Definitely death threats. And doxing people, yeah. Kind of threw that one in on the end. Doesn't have quite the same punch, does it? Okay. You know, like you don't always have to tweet things too.

That's the craziest like. No, he does. He really does. Okay, let me read some comments. I think today might be short just cause it's been a long couple of weeks. I can see it in you, man. You rough. I'm probably with you too though, so it's all good.

I feel rough. I feel pretty rough as well. Okay, Richard Koski says, the antisemitism guy is a good representation of all those star flag accounts on Twitter. Oh man, dude, how about this? Did you notice that after Pakistan air struck India, the spam calls suddenly vanished?

I did notice that. Did you notice that? I was told to start redeeming things actually. Yeah, I think we need to send Pakistan some more missiles. I you know For the very first time I'm like, maybe we should get involved in some foreign Yeah, ah this would serve us in a larger India is looking a little Antisemitic II know how well they're very pro Hitler. Oh, yeah, they are, huh? They've Hitler branded like roof tiles and stuff.

It's awesome. Yeah, I noticed, you know, the bomb, whatever, they were both posting India, both India and Pakistan, cause none of their shit works. I mean, like obviously, obviously none of their planes or weapons work. There's just no way. So they started posting all the video game footage like

that they were pretending to do to the other one did you see that oh man they were posting like Pakistan would would post like a plane shooting like 50 million missiles and then Indy would post footage of like a plane shooting other planes that would then shoot missiles they're like this is what we're doing to you guys and we're like are you guys. And we're like, are you guys fucking retarded? There's a whole like third world CGI, like deep dive that's just amazing to go down. Seeing this just scratches that itch. Yeah, did you watch that movie RRR?

No. It's stupid. It's really, it's like totally dumb. Glad I didn't watch it. But it's the best, it's the best they could do. And then you're watching it. When you watch it, you imagine that all their other CG is like not as good.

Like this had their best guy doing the CG and all the other ones are. Yeah. The problem with India is the goodness, the quality of what they're making never has any effect on how much of it they make. And that's not so in America. In America, it's not perfect, but eventually someone will make so much and it was so bad

that they will stop, they will be stopped or they will stop themselves. And it's so normal that if you see somebody just making trash, you know, for decades, it's unique and interesting. It's like, wow, this is, what a phenomenal, what a psychosis, what a weird person you are to do this. But over there, they're all doing that. There's no, there's nobody, nobody in India has ever stopped and said, wow, what I'm making is shit.

They just go like, yeah, I mean, I made. This is just what I do. This is what I do, I make. I'm the maker. The sun comes up, I make trash. Yeah, Kenny G's been doing it over here all this time and we hate him over there. That's the norm. That's the standard Exactly. It's the norm. So they're both posting fake wars made by a video game Probably not even their video game of what they're doing to the other

But I think I think maybe India tried to bomb Pakistan and they are their bombs blew up their bomb site Or took off their internet or something But I don't know man somebody bombed somebody and all the spam calls stopped So whoever got killed we got to make sure he's dead whatever got blown up make sure it stays blowed up Is this been great? I almost picked up my phone again. I got a call. Oh, who is this? Either that or they should have more of those moving temple festivals. Where they get squished?

Have you seen those? No. They make these temples that are probably like 30 stories tall and are on big vehicles and just roll it through town and like clockwork, one of them will always fucking fall and squish a shit They are like fixated on getting squished. Yeah, they love it Just do you go there and you die man? They just they love the idea of getting squished by a giant like train or something. Yeah, really odd

It's not for beginners out there The anti-semitemitism guy has a good representation of all those star flag accounts on X. If you don't trip over yourself to praise Israel and their actions, you must be nagged to death. Yeah, it's true. They won't shut up about Kanye's song either. It's not exactly high art.

Kanye is like, Hey, you guys keep calling me a Nazi? Fine, I'm a Nazi, hail Hitler. Like, yeah, I mean, that's, yeah. What makes it high art is he finally, of all this time in the whole thing, finally the most honest song ever put out, finally. It took from Woody Guthrie up till Ye to finally put

something honest that said something out. Yeah. Happy birthday, and then Ye, HH, I think. Yeah. Are equal. They're equal in prominence in everyone's mind. I think my grandma knows that song now. God, they took it down fast, didn't they?

They really did. Dove went down real quick. They took the waves right out of my ear. Shhh, you know? Mm-hmm. Video's good too. Those black guys are pissed off about something. Yeah, I wonder who could have upset him so much to really.

I don't know, but somebody, one of these Jews should really go write a 10,000 word tweet about how it's not actually cool or a good song and No, and everyone should be upset. That's what that's what I would do You guys got a canceling problem, you know every race has a problem you guys got a big You got a big canceling problem Yeah You got a big, you got a big canceling problem. Yeah. Man, it's crazy.

Cause a poor ghetto girl is wondering if her boyfriend's gay and you're telling her that she's an anti-semite. That's not, that's a canceling problem. You gotta listen. I just love that. Cause you know, you're always looking for the next thing in like swearing, right?

So like it's taken a long time to top cocksucker motherfucker with it rolls off the tongue nicely. It's catchy blah blah blah you could fit it in anywhere This new Kanye song. I think he found the next combo of magic words. That's like oh man put those together And that's like that's double bad wow really you really up you really upped the multiplier on that one. A lot of young kids are gonna be singing that all summer. I think a lot of old kids are gonna be singing that. Not me, of course. A lot of everyone, yeah.

Christiana says, this made me laugh so hard. When I was 27, I was working really hard to lose weight and I lost 100 pounds. Was that my ultimate goal, but I kept losing. Then I was diagnosed with cancer and I made jokes all the time about how I had to get cancer To finally be thin enough to wear bikini. I think that's about the bonus episode with Carl amazing Check it out patreon.com slash the dick show. I Think Carl gave me this poison in my ears because I did two shows with him, you know three weeks ago

Poisonous Carl man, And I couldn't hear anymore. Who are these poisoners? These poisons Carl is. I ever get a life. I'm a fan of Pear, the artist that drew the invisible woman picture. I don't know what it is about, but the pic he drew of Mers fetish finally click for me.

I get it now. Oh, okay. So Mers sickness is spreading. An enlightenment, if you will. He's sending me a bunch of stuff. He needs like, he asked me to ask everyone to get him like dish soap or something, something fucking retarded. So I got to set up an Amazon thing for him

so someone can buy him dish soap. Cause he can't do it. Man. He's got a universe to create, all right? Leave the man alone. Let him be. I've never heard... He's cooking.

I've never heard anybody more unable to describe their idea than him. Wow, I know one guy who has a tough time. Here's what Murs sent me. Oh Yeah, it's just more commissions he's having like body pillows made It's a body pillow, I don't know you put it on like a pillow and then dry hump it I guess I don't know I don't know what you do with it Okay dry hump it I guess I don't know I don't know what you do with it Okay Well, you know what that's how he's gonna clean his body pillows with the dish

Figured it out. I don't ask electrical Joe says veto needs to talk to dr Joe Johnny is killing it keep it up and thank you dick for not making Vito the co-host. Yeah. Thank you. I'm trying. He is totally off the reservation. That was the funniest thing ever. The one time you messaged in the clip averse chat, Vito immediately, Dick, text me. I was like, oh no.

God damn, fuck off, stop. Oh no. And Udom, hey, Dick, I thought I was like, oh no. I didn't fuck off, stop. No. Anudim, hey Dick, I thought this was funny. A university conducted research on AI and how effective it can be to sway opinions and thought. How's my vocals by the way? It's not clipping, right? No.

All right. They conducted the study on Redditors and the cope in the subreddit is pretty funny because they can't acknowledge that they are not immune or above being swayed so easily. Oh, that's funny. So researchers set like an AI bot loose on Reddit to try to change their minds.

And of course, like Redditors are the stupidest people in a very specific way on the internet. Redditors are so stupid that they can be talked into another position by an argument. That's how fucking dumb they are. Like imagine how stupid you are that you have an opinion and someone can talk to you about your opinion and you change your mind. That's like the dumbest, that's the dumbest possible fucking thing you could you could ever be.

You know what? I tend to agree with you on that. Now that you mentioned it, now that I'm thinking about it for the very first time in my life. All right? It's one thing to put an idea in there when there's no idea.

Right. And then you can kind of play around with that idea. Change an idea. Change it, but to change someone's idea with your own ideas? Raped. You've been raped. You know, of course they all find, um, what is it? Find community within each other.

Yeah. It's like the blind leading the blind. Leading the gay. Leading the gay leading the retarded. Research under fire. Oh, fuck off. They're just Redditors. Who cares? Kill them. What do you mean?

Test cosmetics on them. Unethical on Redditors. Yeah, they're barely human. They're just other bots. Like, they're really just other AI bots in a flesh shell. Unethical AI research on Reddit under fire. Under fire by Redditors, I'm sure. A study that used artificial intelligence

generated content to participate in online discussions and test whether AI was more successful at changing people's minds than human generated content. Oh yeah. I think people have a reasonable expectation to not be in scientific experiments without their consent. You're talking about a conversation is the scientific experiment. You're not like testing hepatitis medicine on them.

This isn't the Tuskegee Airmen. You're talking about a bunch of fucking losers arguing online. This isn't fluoride in your water. Opting to argue online thinking that they are fucking up somebody else with their dumb argument, but actually having their world fucked up by a fucking computer. That's funny. That's really funny.

That's like, imagine being that smart, you know? Yeah, the consent is that you went on Reddit and chose to argue with what is a bot. They decided not to publish their results. You know what their results were? For 100%. It works. 100% of the time.

The university will investigate the incident. Oh, okay. They probably had an AI respond to the. That would be the best. That's the only response. I mean, it's just like, like that's the the there's so many people that spend hours a week now talking to a chat bot,

like, and feeling like it gives them personal growth and attachment and like a better understanding of things chat GBT is constantly engineering the results to be less efficient and more addictive for like these people that just compulsively talk to it all day. I don't know, do you spend any time with AI at all? No.

I do, and you know right away. Like whatever. Well, I take it back. I've worked on a few things that I was like, you know what, I don't want to learn how to use Max MSP. I'm going to have Chad GPT do it. And he did a decent job, actually. So it's cool.

Like, if you're trying to make esoteric things talk to your computer, great way to solve that. It's great. It took a lot of re-roll, re-roll, re-roll. It's like. All caps. Hey, you're fucking it up. Do it right.

But there are people who, they have full conversations and maybe it's, I hope that it's because they don't understand how the tokens and the language is put together that it has this sort of hypnotizing effect on them. But I'm thinking that it's probably just because they're stupid. It's a bit of both. And I think people tend to forget that it's like,

it's not a thing to help humanity, it's a product. Yeah. That's like a thing that just is like, oh, you know. There's no helping you. Instagram is just, you know, free photo storage for me that I can share with the whole world. It's like, no, it's selling ad space. Yeah, and you fucking.

Man, Instagram's, you know how Facebook did that thread thing that was like a Twitter ripoff? They're shameless in the way they advertise that. I'll go on Instagram, and now I just pretty much see dogs, like cute dogs doing stuff, but a thread ad will pop up, and it's just huge tit whores. I'm like, this is, this is really shameless. Very disingenuous.

Studies on AI and persuasion have been lab experiments. Well, why? Which could make conducting experiments within social media platforms an attractive option. It's critical to study these questions in the wild, says a psychologist at MIT. But the researchers seems to have flouted ethical norms to do so. They use a range of LLMs to generate responses

to discussions on our change my view. Oh, that's funny. It's got flout ethical norms. In some cases, tailoring the arguments to individual participants by inferring demographic features, such as their gender, ethnicity. Oh, that's where they fucked up. Yeah.

A little too close to the sun. Because the AI pretended to be like an old black guy. Oh, come on now, son. Yeah, I'm a sales rep. You could talk to me about anything. And political orientation from their posting histories. The comments from the LLM also purported to be from a range of human identities, including a male rape survivor.

So they built a trolling machine? It doesn't sound like this is a... Yeah. You know what? Maybe we could... I wonder if we can invest in this. Can we just make one? Let's fund this, yeah.

A trauma counselor and a black person who disagreed with the Black Lives Matter movement. Who? The base, does the base department actually exist? I hope so. In all, the research has created 34 accounts and posted more than 1500 times on the platform. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We need to change a lot of minds. I just like that they picked such funny things that would immediately, like the cognitive dissonance, you know, like a black guy. A male rape survivor.

A black guy who disagreed with the Black Lives Matter. We're like, you didn't see that coming a mile away. Yeah. Like late 90s Conan sketch characters that show as the male racer-viper. The trauma counselor. A Jewish guy who likes paragliding. It's a comedy experiment. It's not a real experiment.

Okay. Rape Monger says that tonight's shit is fucked. I don't know anything about it, but I was thinking that since your inner ear is related to your perception of balance, it might be possible that you're developing your sense of balance and pro-preoception might have something to dampen the symptoms. Oh, Rape Monger has some suggestions. Yeah, go to yoga. I would recommend practicing balancing

on top of a basketball for several minutes at a time throughout the day. There's no way in hell that I'm doing that. Retard. Go take this advice to Vito. That's not working here. Aside from it. That's like a funny way to tell someone to kill themselves.

No, just stand on a basketball. Try standing on a basketball. You don't have enough problems. It'll get you really fit. It was used by a rodeo champion, J.B. Monty, who did it for an hour a day instead of going to the gym. Really? You stood on basketballs? Huh. Okay. I recommend you use on basketballs. OK. I recommend you use a basketball and not a medicine ball,

as I'm not sure what kind of firmness the ones he used is. And also get a foot pump for the basketball. As pumping it up with a hand pump is a pain in the ass. I love going past the sale. Yeah. Well, you know it was designed by a fireman. Hey, go ahead and get a foot pump while you're getting the basketballs to stand on.

Get yourself a foot pump, because you're going to want to keep them pumped up. Get 15% off with your promo code. I can't imagine when my wife comes in, I'm standing on basketballs. What the fuck are you doing? Can't be doing that shit no more. Zagartha, I wonder if snorting crosswords has caused some kind of damage to your sinuses I know sinus pressure affects my tinnitus allergy season does make it worse if I'm not taking any histamines the whole month Yeah, I hope it's allergies I gotta be off allergy meds for the test, but then I'm just gonna

fucking inject them into my veins Have the botox guy dig it into your face. Oh God, that was a gross feeling. Four fifteen Nick says, too bad Dick doesn't know that tinnitus is a completely reversible condition that top secret forces and military scientists have developed a cure that works almost overnight. Oh, well, that's too bad. Rusty Shackleford, please stop wearing studio monitors during podcasts. It's no joke.

Well, they're not on. Yeah, they're down. I mean, I don't think they're on. Should I be wearing the earplugs? Should I be wearing the plugs? You know what we need is a few sound machines, I think. That might help. I think so. Should I shove a ball dough in my ears?

I almost developed severe tinnitus, but I was able to mitigate the symptoms with sound deprival. Oh, awesome. Well, I'll just ask my son to be quiet during the hours of... Nine a.m. and nine a.m. Nine and nine. Unfortunately, that means not playing instruments without hearing protection or wearing headphones at a volume that allows you to hear the full bouquet of sound

Okay Okay, Lord Full bouquet of sound I've never I don't hear shit bro. They're off. They've been off for years That's why I don't hear the fucking theme song Full bouquet of I'm gonna start describing it like that get a full bouquet of my nuts in your mouth how about that after a month or two of deep breathing through random ringing fits deep breathing sound like that bitch ENT I was able to avoid severe symptoms but I never reached a pain as

you described yeah that's I mean that's that's the real, that was the, that was the shocker. The pain of, oh, whoa. My mouth is watering. Nicholas Tresik, tough when we get confronted by our own mortality. Everybody gather around, gather around and get your shots in. Everyone go ahead, line up, line up. Here I am in the fetal alcohol position lying on the ground.

Line up, line up and take your best shots. Give each other space. I want everybody to get a good shot in, get a running start. If you want, take a real good shot about how it's my fault confronted by your own mortality I'm well aware of my own mortality I don't need a reminder I'm not waking up every day hustling to the grind and thinking about my Lambo don't worry about it. You just got to get on that hustle grind set, man.

Tough when confronted by your own mortality. Is that mortality is intense physical pain. You fucking dick. Getting hit in the face with a brick. That's mortality. No, it's not an it's not an existential crisis. Actually, it's real physical pain. Immediate physical pain.

You fucking jerk. You Sid Harta fucking cocksucker motherfucker. God damn it. It's not a teaching moment for me, okay? It's a figuring out what's wrong. You gotta go consult three different rabbis like a serious man. My fucking hamster didn't die Oh, it's mortality. I don't need I don't need these lessons

God I didn't tear my I didn't tear my ACL playing weekend basketball. I did nothing standing on the basketball either Especially at a time like this. I'll pray for you, dick. Well don't put any of that shit about how it's my fault and your prayers. Please heal dick's ear. Also it's his fault. So I mean like- He wasn't respecting his mortality.

Classic not respecting his mortality. Said yeah one too many times. God fucking damn it. I didn't do anything wrong You know just realized if shouting yeah is what makes you go deaf little John would have been deaf Yeah, go. Yeah. I don't really do anything crazy with sound I mean this here is kind of dead from piano, but that's that's just a That's just an occupational hazard Nothing to nothing for this nothing to nothing to explain this

nothing to explain I Want to kill myself, but I can't I didn't flaunt my immortality in front of God, you cocksucker. David Helm says, very generous of you to give me a week to catch up on the backlog of Dick's show and biggest problem in the universe. Seriously though, it happens. Feel better soon. Well, I hope so. Jim Laidback says, a woman woman alert I'm not gonna hear this

tell me woman alert sounds great alert that's what you get for not you gotta every life reminds you life will remind you life has a way man life's reminding me of what I know I'm gonna die yeah I feel bad every day everything fucking hurts my arm got put back together wrong The only thing on my mind is my own mortality and you're gonna go ahead and you know yeah, believe me Okay, let's see here laid back laid back Doo doo doo whoops Lead back. Lead back. Do do do. Whoops. What do you got for us? Oh, stupid Facebook thing.

Alright, some sort of a police car chase. Stand up for something about Australia. Oh, you gotta hit the volume thing up there. You got to hit the volume thing up there. Oh, it's a volume thing up here. What's happening here? I'll just leave this here. She's stopping on the highway. Hit the hazards. Oh, okay. She stops them. All right. She gets hazards. Oh. Ha ha ha ha. Okay, she stops them. All right. Oh, she gets out? Oh, no wonder. She stopped on the highway and got out.

Yes, sweetheart. To tell them to stop following. Yeah. Get off my fucking tail. You're not supposed to be six times behind the wheel. 18 kilometers, honey. Don't have to do 18. Yes, you do.

Oh, fuck off, you stupid tarp. Yes, you do. You might want to turn your headphones. I can't. I can't risk it. Beautiful. I can't risk it. Don't have to do I Can't risk it Well, I hope you enjoyed that yeah, that was great Okay, um emphasis on the woman alert How is it a guy? What did you did you see? I mean, yeah, it looks bad. Yeah. Uh, okay. Maybe we'll do maybe the last one. What is it? 350. How long have we been going an hour and a half? Yeah. I might, I'm going to give

my ears a rest today. You should, ah, midlife crisis, hard time making friends. Hey Dick, this is the guy who was asking for advice on making friends in the city. Thanks for the comments from you and Johnny and the caller from the last episode. This follow-up email is gonna be more gay than the last one. So I might as well start by saying, congrats on becoming a father. I hope to have kids too someday.

Why not right now? Go for it. I can definitely make some friendships based around making money with people who are joining a group based on shared interests like sports or hiking. But in my experience, they're very, there's a Botox, but in my experience, they are very shallow and unrewarding.

I mean, friendships are, man. Like, she kind of got to cycle through friends every... It's like... Friends are like a once-a-week kind of thing. Like a television show. Yes. Like you're not supposed to watch Mad Men every day and get fulfillment out of it. It's like, oh yeah, this guy. I remember this guy. Yeah.

He's a fuck. Get rid of him. Get him out of here. I'll see him next week. That's a friend. See him one day? Great. Two days? Mmm. Then you got to take a week off. Oh, yeah. You know, man, you're not supposed to have fulfilling friendships, I don't think. They're fun.

Yeah. Fulfilling? I'd rather just be alone and work on my own projects at that point. My existing friendships are mostly based on a deep shared connection. And if I'm being honest with myself, Johnny was pretty much right when he said this,

essentially amounts to trying to go on dates with other guys. No homo. Well, you are homo. You're not even qualified as such. I guess my question should have been, is it even possible to form these types of deep connections in the city?

I've noticed that a lot of people here seem really lonely and miserable, even if they're successful. So you'd think it would be pretty easy if you're just willing to try, but it's like there's an invisible wall around them, keeping others at a distance. Well, the problem is in a city,

people who have that compulsion to have deep friendships are gonna end up in a fucking cult. So you're gonna find yourself in maybe a runners group or a climbing group, like something that exhibits cult like qualities. Well, either that or you're already famous and have a shit ton of money. And you're all, you're so taken care of that you have time and energy.

Yeah. Hang out with people that you care about. Even just trying to make casual conversations seems to confuse and annoy them. Because they want intense conversation. I was out at a comedy show the other night and got seated at a table with a random stranger and tried to chat with him

while we were waiting for the show to start. Man, what a different kind of life this is. Yeah. It's 6.30, I'm'm gonna go head to the comedy store Now that I'm at the comedy store I got my first of three mandatory drinks Let me see who I can start a conversation with you, sir Gotta hit the $25 minimum. You look like an interesting sort of fellow Maybe he's there for the same reason. I don't know

$25 minimum you look like an interesting sort of fellow Maybe he's there for the same reason. I don't know He just looked at me like I had three heads and gave a short dismissive answer and then sat there looking bored Yeah, that's me at a comedy show. I know you hate it when random people try to talk to you But if I'm not taking up their time, what's the harm really because I'm thinking about other shit like I'm thinking about stuff Whole goddamn life. Yeah, it's not like I'm trying to steal. I have a whole goddamn life, dog. Yeah. It's not like I'm trying to steal their emotional energy and make myself feel better. That's literally what you're doing.

I only feel like talking to strangers when I'm feeling great and I want to share that positive energy. He's like a Pokemon, you know? He's like, he's fighting energy and the lightning energy is like, he's forcing his fighting energy on him. You know what?

That's correct because what you should be doing is spread your negativity. Maybe that will help. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go in there and drop a few gamer words and then you'll really see who wants to be your friend. Yeah, what'd you think about that Kanye song? Yeah, I thought it was-

I don't think it went hard enough. It's great, and then see who else agrees and there you go. Since my last email to you, after quitting my intensely demanding job as a software engineer, I started going to the gym five days a week and stopped smoking weed all the time to cope with loneliness and stress.

Yeah, that's a bad idea. Yeah, just smoke weed, not to, just smoke weed. You don't have to do it to cope with anything. You can just smoke it. I also decided to just take some time to relax, think and focus entirely on myself, my health, and only doing things I want to do rather than what I'm supposed to do.

I've started to feel a sense of contentment and inner peace. I don't feel so lonely anymore. It's like I've woken up after being asleep for years. I feel like I've unlocked a part of my brain that was cut off for a long time and a dense fog has been lifted from my mind. What the hell? The mental clarity is amazing.

He's talking about like Lord of the Rings, fucking curse shit on him. Damn. And I have so much more empathy and compassion for other people. No, shut that down. No, you need to lessen that. That's what makes you talk to strangers at comedy clubs

and then they get weird. If you want to go to a comedy club and talk to people, go perform comedy. A whole room full of people will talk over you even. Yeah. Don't be like the, go on the stage if you're going to go there and waste people's time. This feeling of peace is worth every dollar

in my bank account. I hope it lasts. Huh. All right. That's cool. I know if Sean were here, he would say to go to a therapist. I don't know what I'm gonna do next but for now I'm not worrying about the future. I hope this helps any dickheads that are having the same problem. I know not everyone has the money to just be unemployed and do whatever they want for a few months but if you have that ability give it a try. If things change I'll report

back. PS. The last episode of Big of biggest problem the universe was very hard to watch Frustrating to listen to you lay out for veto exactly what his issues are and oh, yeah, well, all right Yeah, tell me about it. All right, everybody. That's the show. I Gotta rest my hearing. I Hope it gets better next week, but I don't fucking know You know I gotta rest my hearing. I hope it gets better next week, but I don't fucking know. You know, only time will tell man. Whatever I did, not taking my mortality seriously enough or saying yeah, too much.

Sleeping with the door open. You did sleep with the door open. You did sleep with the door open. You deserve every- I fucking hope that's it, man. Get some of those little air filters for the rooms, man. I got the biggest one. That was on Amazon right away. I got the biggest goddamn air filter they had.

You know what's cool? We used to have them at the studio is, we had them for COVID, but the fucking like the room scrubbers. So when they're doing like remodels and like getting rid of like mold and shit, it's this big blue son of a bitch that I think you could clear. Can I live inside of it?

Not quite. I need one of those. But it clears 6,000 like square feet or like cubic feet of air in every minute or so, every 10 minutes. I forget what the timing on it was, but it's, you know. What if I'm allergic to cleanliness? No such thing.

That's next to godliness. Interesting. That's good to know. That's good to know. You need a little bit of funk in your life. Just not like, don't pick at your bathroom window cellar or anything. I'm just going to knock the whole goddamn bathroom down.

I'm going to go on a fucking rampage, fucking hammering the wall out. Get the fuck, get this mold the fuck out of here, you know? Well, after I suck that doctor's dick, I'm coming back in, I'm tear half my house apart. No, it's not, well, it's not your house that has mold, but I'm just saying for like the, just the ambient air. Ambient air?

Yeah, no, there wouldn't be a single piece of dust in there. It'd probably steal some of your life actually. That's how pure this air is. Really? It's pretty good. Can I just run the shower nonstop, sit in there? Yeah, dude. With the fog, like a fog, like a gorilla in the mist. Create the miasma non-stop sit in there? Yeah, the fog like a fog like a gorilla in the mist create the miasma

Can I sit in that will that work? Am I all right who know who fucking knows playing the end theme? I don't know when it's coming This has to be okay Headphones on I can't hear shit, but echoing through the bones in my head that has to be okay, right? I can't hear shit but echoing through the bones in my head? That has to be okay, right? Is that okay? Is this okay to do? Is it? I don't know.

People singing the National fucking Anthem are a lot louder than this. Right? I go everywhere, I'm so polite. Uh, MasterSyn, thank you. Uh, I'd like a number two, please. Presenting... Oh yeah, this is meek guy Dick Masterson. Yeah, Pussy Man, that's what they call me.

And Home Depot said, who's that paintboard is Pussy Man over there? He's going to inherit the earth with his meekness. New show. I just realized this was a 100 milligram drink, not a 10 milligram. Oh, is that weed? Yeah. THC? Oh, I think weed? Yeah. DHC? Oh, that's a weird one. Well, thanks for listening guys.

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