The Dick Show - Episode 461 - Dick on High-Fives

Episode Date: May 18, 2025

A shady blood lab, the Mexican Navy has a fashion show (for fat women), some homeless start a piss war with Johnny, my dad loads a crib into my truck, the baby does a high five, my contractor pisses off the inspector, an X-Men religion, Tim Walz' son is not retarded after all, doctors with grills without borders, The Forever War against women, Nick Fuentes vs. old men, self-deportation ads in Los Angeles, and a woman with a world famous FUPA takes on the haters; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Do do do do do do do do do do you know that Mario level? I do yeah, you know it do do do do do do I hear the clock ticking and shit Stress I can send my wife into an insane panicking Fit hysterical fit by going do do do Because you know it's only gonna get faster You hear that yeah, that's working Or going or doing the guys from Red Dead Redemption to hurry up in there Arthur Or doing the guys from Red Dead Redemption 2. Hurry up in there Arthur!

I'm in the car. Hurry up in there Arthur! Come on Arthur we ain't got all day. Now Arthur! That's Dutch. Now Arthur! Oh yeah. We've got places to go Arthur.

Soon you bang on the bathroom door. Arthur! Come on in there! Even funnier in a public restroom. Or Macca. Hey Arthur! I don't got all day. I don't know if those are good impressions.

Hire me for RDR3, everybody. Anybody. Just redo all of RDR2. That's what I'm doing. Okay, what do we have today? You know, I don't know, I was thinking outside before you got here. I feel like This is kind of stupid to say It's kind of stupid to say but it's true I feel like the X-Men has replaced God in my life

God in my life. And when I realized that, I realized that it's replaced God. It's been that way for some time, you know? That the X-Men has replaced religion for me. I'm all ears. Well, because I'm sitting there thinking, my wife was saying something about my hearing and I thought like the way she said it was like, whoa, maybe I could get like superhuman hearing or something. And then I was like just enjoying that thought

that maybe like I would get something cool, like a superhuman hearing power. She's like, yeah, cause she's like, yeah, cause whenever I move in bed, you're like instantly awake. So I thought, like a superhuman hearing power. She's like, yeah, cause she's like, yeah, cause whenever I move in bed, you're like instantly awake. So I thought you had like superhuman hearing cause my hearing tests came back and it was exactly what I said it was,

which is a little bit deaf in this year from piano, nothing like crazy, but whatever. I'm not going to talk about tests all day. Like I'm, you know, a boomer. She goes, I thought you had like superhuman hearing or something. And I thought to myself, wow, what if I did have superhuman hearing?

My life would be so much better. And I start thinking about, wow, what if I had like super, I could hear stuff happening. And I'm just kind of like sitting there enjoying a thought, you know, feeling like happy about the future. And then I realized, am I only happy when I'm thinking about getting mutant superpowers? And then I think, yeah, I think so. I think the only times I think in my life, the last 30 years, ever since I first heard, I've spent so much time just idly thinking, maybe I could fly one day, fly around. Maybe I could shoot claws out of my eyes or something.

Maybe I could be, you know? Maybe I could take people's pants off with my mind. And that's just supplanted religion for me completely. I don't think about what if I did this and go to heaven? What if I'm nice and I go to heaven? I just think, what if I could get X-Men superpowers? And that's it. That's where the thinking ends.

That's religion, right? Because it's in the art of being one of the X-Men. I think it's the new book. It's just like stupid, but I really think that they've cracked something. I don't know. Maybe something in me is broken. Well, I know something in me is broken.

Uh... Cause you don't know, like, we got a pope now. From Chicago. You can't subscribe to that pope. If you believe, if you're, you know... American pope? No. No.

There's no... Chicago style pope? Chicago style pope? Popes? No. Man, I can't have no Chicago pope. Get the fuck out of here! Tell me about your religion. Who's in charge?

guy from Chicago no Unless I don't think so the meatpacking industry religion. I've been to Chicago ain't nobody Got more acquainted with God because they grew up in Chicago. Okay, maybe Ecuador or something Oh, you know if you're in Latin America, you got all kinds of fat little women barking at you like tree frogs. I saw Jesus in my tortillas, right? Maybe you have some kind of, maybe you saw the ghost train whizzing by the swamp

in the rainforest at two in the morning, right? You didn't see, you didn't, the L, living by the L did not introduce you to God. All right, maybe living by the L did not introduce you to God all right maybe living amongst the the Latin Americans you know maybe some kind of more you're in some Mormon hot sack with all kinds of weird shit happening just now the Pope's craving a beef dip you know I don't want the Pope's eating a beef dip I don't think so that ain't no original religion for me. The X-Men you got, how does it, Professor X,

Magenta, Magneto's, I don't know. Anybody could be anybody, but. Well, he, so, I wonder if he'll, since he is the Chicago Pope, right? I wonder if he'll somehow. Ridiculous. Well, you know, Chicago most famously known for that bridge where the Dave Matthews band tour bus

emptied all of his shit onto a boat. Wait, what? You don't know about that? No, what are you talking about? So, Dave Matthews band, right? They emptied their tour bus. What did they do? What song did they do? Is it, one week since I looked at you, or is that some bare naked ladies?

I think, yeah, that is. What's the Dave Matthews band? I don't know, I just keep thinking it's Chris Pratt on stage the whole time. Okay. But, they emptied their tour bus right over a bridge and there was a boat coming underneath Really? Yeah That's the only thing about Chicago. They got their shit all in the boat that they covered this whole tour boat Why would they do it on a boat on a bridge?

Beats the fuck out of me, but they had the one chance to be the funniest band in the world and they took it So the only reason I think you had the one chance to be the funniest band in the world and they took it. So, that's the only reason I think about Chicago. Did you see the Mexican Navy crashed into the Brooklyn Bridge? What are they doing up in Brooklyn? Let me pull that up. What are all these goddamn Mexican, how did the Mexicans get their Navy in Brooklyn? Yeah. Look at this, this is some funny shit, man.

For some reason, America has become a hotspot of brown people crashing boats into bridges. What is that, man? They get all discombobulated, I guess. I don't know. Probably a- they released the captain's picture and it's my cleaning lady. Let me see. Mexican... Mexican Navy. They need a more seafaring brown people like Fijians or Tongans perhaps. Yeah you can't give Mexicans no boat. No. And they gave them technology from 1492. They gave him an Indian parade float for a boat. They gave him a Spanish galleon. This is the boat

that these Mexicans came here to this hemisphere on. Hey, that doesn't look like a closet door. Bro, this is a death trap. This is how they build things too. Look at this, you got a Spanish galleon. This is the Mexican Royal Navy. I don't know what they were doing in New York,

maybe picking up some Puerto Ricans. They ran out of Puerto Ricans in Mexico. They wanted some of ours. Here's a Spanish galleon from the Mexican Navy. Look at, is it on? It is. Oh yeah, I'll turn it down a little bit. All right, look at them like standing up Mexicans

across Mastico. There's Mexicans standing on each of the sails, each of the mizzenmasts going all the way up to as far as you can see. It's a display of wealth. It's a display. Everybody's waving. Were these fuckers all riding the mizzenmast

while they wrecked into the bridge? I guess so. Look at this shit. Look at this. Okay. Here's all the Mexicans standing Arms touching and then and then wham Wham you think you'd stop at the first mizzen mast when you smash that into the bridge. Oh, no

That's how they build everything that's why my deck had to be redone you got enough room there see Guess you didn't hey guess you didn't have enough fucking room on your boat there. Did you? They didn't dig the pylons deep enough You know that was supposed to go down 16 feet not straight up. God damn I gotta go out I'm tempted I'm tempted to show you my deck. Just do it to the phone stream. I'm tempted to take you outside right now if it was possible for me to just pop the camera off the wall and show you the state of my finished, now finished, finished deck. Oh, fucking get this. Get, get, let me play the theme song first. You tell me, signal me when it's a yeah. And I'll play in my head.

Ba da da da da da da da da da da. Yeah! Still dealing with ear trauma, everybody. Thank you for your support. Thank you for all your differential diagnosis. I feel like house. I got all these opinions flying at me, you know? People telling me what to do to cure my sickness. Turns out it was lupus.

It might be lupus. You gotta check my crevices for ticks. It's never lupus. After the show. Just to rule it out. Oh god, I gotta show you this blood clinic they sent me to. I thought I was gonna get... I thought I was gonna get shiv'd.

They sent me the allergist when they found nothing. The prick test didn't work. They gave me 40 allergist when they when they found nothing the prick test didn't work They gave me 40 little pricks. I found out you weren't a prick after all. Yeah, I was not allergic to anything They said we'll send you to this allergy Let me let me email these to the show so I can show them. I fuck I was gonna do this earlier today I messed up Blood local practitioner blood lab pictures. Oh, I messed up. Blood.

Local practitioner. Blood lab pictures. Yeah, they're like, yeah, just go in. We've sent all the information there. They'll give you a blood test there. Let me see. I took some maternity pictures with my wife this weekend and she hates them.

She's all upset because she had a timetable in her head of when we were gonna do maternity pictures. And... Because you can't... Oh, look. Okay, I'm putting... I'm just saying what I think is the reason. Because you can't... If you wait too long, there's a... there's a... there's like a two-hour window when a woman is pregnant, when there's like just enough pregnant and not enough everywhere else. Like, and.

And I tactfully put. I mean, I don't see it. I think she looks amazing, right? I mean, you can't tell. I think she looks amazing, but I'm just saying women generally, most women hit the too much weight in their when they're preteen when they're about 12 years old, you know They hit the net nesty brisk ice teas

At the junior high Those junior high uniforms 6xl now they're putting them in well where else are they supposed to get rid of all the fruitopia? But the Mexican Navy is bringing in six XL's For their local cheerleading team the the gauchos they were so those aren't they're actually displaying the new shirt sizes They're bringing over That's what it was supposed to be a it's a fashion show presentation correct. That's a presentation It has to be a... It's a fashion show. It's a presentation, correct.

It's a presentacion. It's a Mexican Navy fashion show! Here comes our first hippopotamus! Bup bup bup bup! You look especially fantastic! Finally we've woven a single piece of cloth big enough for one of these bitches. And these Navy uniform was made out of the sails of the galleons that Christopher Columbus used. Yeah, it's a big end for Leticia Alvanzuela.

We talked about Christopher Colombo. He's like, in another thing. One more thing. I'm going to take all your gold, too. I noticed that your teeth are made out of gold. All right, let me show you this blood lab. I go to the allergist and I'm like, I know, don't worry, I know it's all negative, don't worry.

Cause that'd be an easy explanation and I don't get those. So she pricks me all up and down, sure enough, all negative, I get charged six. You know, why do we have co-pays? Like, is there a person who, is there a person who can afford health insurance and also has time every day to waste going to the doctor that would necessitate like a $30 fuck you

payment? Like, you know, why am I getting fucked for $30 every time I go there? When I, I mean, the healthcare, the insurance system in general is bilking me for like tens of thousands and has. I know that they're paying, I know that there's a system of fuckery happening that is independent of my $30 and that is not affected by my $30.

You know what I mean? $30 is like a movie. Like, yeah, okay, that's about... We know why it exists, right? Why does it exist? It's because, you know, how else are they supposed to keep all their, what's the, their terminals running, right? Their what?

Their credit card terminals. Oh, it's just for that? It's just to cover the expenses, probably. Mostly, again, it was just a giant fuck you. Did I send it to the wrong place? God damn it. All right, let me pull it up. So they sent me to this blood lab

and they're like, here, you gotta get blood drawn for this, to get a different kind of allergy test that also doesn't work, but it's more expensive. I said, oh, that's okay. That's cool. I'll go to this allergy. I'll go to this blood lab and take take the blood test then I'll give some blood And I find the furthest other the closest, you know

the the soonest available one because I want to get it done right away obviously and I drive down there and Wow, I sent it to the really wrong address. Let me Should have showed up in my email with the fun. Yeah There we go. Okay, I Go down there and it's right by the hospital and I'm like the fuck? Yeah. There we go. OK. And I go down there, and it's right by the hospital. And I'm like, oh, OK, OK, OK, OK. This is good. I look at the map, and I say, but it's not, what the hell?

It's not at the hospital? Oh, it's right next to the hospital? All right. And I turn the corner, and it was like driving into the openings, the like Idiocracy when he goes to the future like a big trash pile multiple like multiple auto mechanics and like a tire on fire Rolling by let me show you these pictures. This is where I went got my blood taken. I'm pretty sure I got hepatitis from Giving blood. I'm sure you were given blood too

hepatitis from giving blood. I'm sure you were given blood too. Look at this shit Johnny, this isn't right. This isn't right. Look at the mechanic over here man. Get your- and this is a Chinese food store. Who's going to a Chinese restaurant next to a blood lab? Isn't that a little like unappetizing to the Chinese at least Well, it's uh, you know gotta get it while it's still warm. What the fuck man? I've never been to a medical lab. Let me get this. Let me open all that's fucked It felt like Yeah, okay here. This was the blood lab. Look at this auto repair Cones, do you want parking cones in front of your blood diagnostics lab? What the fuck is this? Chinese taste? Next to a blood lab? Look at this!

That place looks like it hasn't been open for 50 years. Look at the sun bleaching on this! That's insane. So I was fine. I was fine going in there. But then I see this and I'm like, there is, uh, I'm getting something here, man. I'm getting AIDS or something and it's packed with, it's packed with little Mexican ladies all around. Everyone's, it was like a doggy daycare for cleaning ladies. And it had like a kiosk to check. There was no windows.

Usually like a healthcare office has a window with a fat lady you can, who will tell you, ask you your birthday. Man. Uh, there was just a kiosk and a little tray It's like put all your shit in this tray, and I'll scan it like what the fuck. I don't touch this tray It's all scuffed up. What the fuck felt like one of those games at the carnival where you throw the rings around the bottle Yeah, I go in there, and I'm like Tom twitchy right because it feels like a parole office I've never been to a parole office, but that's what I would describe it as. I sit there and she's like,

dude, she's like, are you nervous about needles? And I'm like, I hear, yeah, I'm not usually, but she's like shouting at a lady in the next blood cubicle asking about forms. Like, you know, this is, I'm better than these people. I have good health insurance. It's like you went to a fucking dispensary or something. Those are better! At least they have big murals on the side of Kobe smoking a joint and flying out of the helicopters as it crashes to the ground. That's fucking... Look at this. How convenient. I can get an oil change, I can get tested for hepatitis, and then I can pick up some Chinese tacos, some Chinese taste.

Well that's where all the fat Mexican ladies go afterwards. After they get their diabetes diagnosis? Well they get their blood sugar back up, yeah. What the hell was I talking about? That may be some of the grimeiest buildings in LA. of the grimmiest buildings in LA. Uh, seriously, what was I, you know, they're running, they're running ads to deport yourself on the radio here. You listen to the radio in a while.

I don't listen to the radio ever. They're kind of funny. I'm going to start listening to the radio now. That's good. I listened to the radio on the way to Hackamania to kind of, you know, calm my nerves, to un-vito myself. Is there such a thing? I'm gonna find out.

Because if my jaw is TMJ, I don't know what I'm gonna do. You need to cut out the stress in your life. Yeah, I got one big fat stress in my life. Stress or killer over here. Stress or killer. Oh yeah, the deck. So the deck's finished now. Stressor killer over here. Stressor killer. Oh yeah, the deck. So the deck's finished now.

And the guy was all proud of himself when he got it done. Never a good sign. When it's done, everyone's gone. The Mexicans text you from the road, hey it's done, and you run out to try to bust them on what's fucked up, right? Right. But they're long gone. They text, they get everybody, they're like, shh, shh, shh.

They load everybody up in the back of the truck. Well, that's why they keep the music so loud, so you can't hear when they shuffle out. Music goes loud. Exactly. And then they're gone. And then the music gets stuck in like a loop. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da.

And I go out, I was like, what the hell is that? And I go outside, and there's an old record player. And it keeps skipping. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, da- da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da So what did they, what did they not do this time? Well, there's this composite board, which is like half plastic and half wood, and they're planks. I hate that shit. I know, but, I know, but it lasts forever, man. It doesn't fade and it lasts forever. I hate it too, but I went with it. I don't care. And the deck's all planked with it, right? But then on the one on the end,

there's one on the end, right? There's one on the end. So what do you do? You cut out a notch for the railing, cut out a notch, and then you put it in real nice, right? So they took off, texted me from the road, hey, it's done. And I was like, okay. I already know they're gone, you know? Yeah. I already know they're gone.

You know? I already know they're gone. So I walk out there, I shut off the old Victrola that they left playing. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I put on some like disappointment songs because I know that's what's... I go over to the edge of the deck

and instead of like a nice edge of the of the composite board all along the 40 feet of the deck it's fucking band sawed off it's just a sharp end of composite board like they cut one in half for no reason for no reason you could leave it hanging out no one's standing on it for no fucking reason they cut it in half cut all the notches out so it's like it's like a kid just came along and chopped chopped it in half it's literally like it's literally like a giant with a dollhouse knocked the front off and then put the railing back on and then the railing sides

This was the worst part the posts at the end that hold up the railing I was covering my eyes when I went out there. I'm like I fucking know I already know what's gonna. I already know What it's gonna be that don. And I had to go like, honey, can you come out here, please? I can't take it all at once. I can't take this much anger all at once. Not a plumb line in sight. This is like the cat's on the roof kind of thing, right? Just tell me the cat, don't tell me the cat's dead right away.

Honey, when I call you and ask you how the cat's doing, say the cat's on the roof. Second day, the firemen are trying to get the cat down. Third day, the cat's dead, right? Don't get me, don't hit me with the cat's dead all at once. So I got out there and I said, tell me about the railing. She goes, what do you mean? She goes, Oh, it looks great. And I said, what about the edge? And she goes, I saw that. And I was afraid. I knew you would, you would be pissed about that. I said, okay, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Tell me about the railing. And she goes, it looks good. And I said, are the posts, are the things that are sticking up? Are they straight? And I hear a pause. And I think, oh no. She goes, yeah, they look good. And I said, oh no, that's even worse.

The shaky. I open my eyes and I see what looks like, I mean, it looks like they're tied together. It's just like- It's a VIP style fence posts. It's bent. They're bent like this at the top. Like, yeah. I go over and flick the wood where it's joined and it's like, it's under.

I mean, you could, you could shoot a harpoon off of this thing. There's so much tension. So I'm getting ready to go to Hackamania and I know the contractor tells me the inspections today and I'm like, okay, it's just been, you know, five years of this shit. All right, let's get it done. Whatever. Crooked everything, cut in half, whatever. You guys just left all the trash, whatever. And he goes, yeah, the inspector's going to be there at

11 to 1. I said, okay. So I get ready to leave to go to Hackamanium. At 11, I open the door to leave and there's the inspector right there. And I said, hey, are you looking for Eric? And he goes, yeah, I'm the inspector hey are you looking for Eric? And he goes, yeah I'm the inspector. Are you looking for the foreman? And he goes, yeah. I said, okay, he's not here, hold on I'll text him. I text him and he goes, oh I'm late.

I'll be there in 20 minutes. And I said, this is like, you understand what this is? You understand that the only reason I paid you is for this moment? Like, this is what the money's for? That's a fucking 99 yard line. So the inspector goes, well I'm leaving. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! They can do that?

They can do whatever they want. They can just red tag everything. All of this is just for this, all of this! All of this I've had to do! Build a fucking skyscraper in the backyard. Everybody's house has... has totally normal, down to bedrock, you know, 18 inch pylons. Everybody has normal shit except for me, who had to put a freeway case on in my backyard. Right? He goes, I'm leaving. Tell him to reschedule. I'm like, oh,

god damn it, dude. So he rescheduled and he comes out the next week, this week, and the guy was here like a minute and a half early, thank God. We go down in the backyard and the inspector's like, did you build everything to code to the guy? And he's like, yeah, it's all right here. And he's like, and he turns to me and he goes, did he?

And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, okay, I'll sign it. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? All of this, all of this, all of this amounts, all of this shit amounts to two seconds of You side-eyeing what's happening and then just checking the box? I think I'm gonna get into the inspecting business He's like you can make a lot of money to just ask two stupid fuck. Oh my god

That's insane they're telling them to deport themselves on the radio. They're like, you're gonna be deported, we're gonna getcha. They're like, I got a whole group of motherfuckers who just built my deck like shit. It's cool, it's cool, I like it. It's like a new kind of feel, you know? It's threats, open threats going out on the horn.

You know, you don't want art to be perfect, right? Yeah. Then it's just boring. Yeah, then it's done you know, you don't want art to be perfect, right? Yeah. Then it's just boring. Yeah, then it's done. Then you could sit out there and look at your, you know, fuck looking at this beautiful backyard and into everything else. Now you can just sit there and observe your deck.

I think I high-fived my son. That's cool. Last night. That's really cool. I was, man, I hate to- First my son. That's cool. Last night. That's really cool. I was, man, I hate to- First one. First one, yeah. Cause my wife's like, you know,

if your wife's pregnant, you're just constantly, you're constantly getting Charlie Browned by your baby and your wife or whatever. Cause he'll be kicking. I mean, this is constant. She's like, oh, come over, he's kicking right now. And then it's, put your hand on, and then nothing. Like always.

So I was laying there, like, feeling the baby. And he's going, dude, he's like a horror movie. Like he goes Weird I'm like oh man That's gotta feel that's gotta feel really creepy cuz he goes it's not just like kicks. It's also like Like his hand down the side of the that's fucking crazy. He's trying to escape man Yeah, it really feels like at some point, it turned from just like, herky-jerk shit to like, premeditated, ugh, let me out of here.

It begins, dude. It fucking begins. Yeah, I feel bad, because I know he could survive out of the womb, but he's like, stuck in this cramped little place for like two months. Man, that sucks. He's plotting right now. Yeah. I wouldn't want to be like squished in a thing,

especially that one that loud. So she's like, my wife's like, he's doing it again. He's doing the horror movie shit again. Ah. Sure enough, you can see it. It's like, ehh. That's crazy. So I went over there and I'm like touching it right?

And then he goes, he hits my hand and goes, uh. And then I'm like kind of pressing. And he goes, uh, uh, uh. And I'm like, bro, high five. That's a high five. That's nice. Good job. You need some father son bonding Death. Nice. Good job. You're father-son bonding, man.

Yeah. And I was like, all right, stop fucking tricking me with this, come over and feel it shit. It's not funny. Yeah, and now his next act is to open the fridge and grab a beer, right? I put his, I had to put his crib together today because he can't, you know,

I'm totally incompetent with tools. Doesn't know what he's doing. Yeah, he's doing My dad I Have never My father I have never one time in my life seen him be careful with

Anything okay, I can attest to that you've seen him work You've seen him work. You've seen him work. You've seen my dad at work. Probably one of my favorite things to ever witness. What did you, you saw him do yard work, right? I saw him... First time I ever saw him, he had just gotten into CBD. So he was...

Yeah, right. Right? Well, he was proselytizing, like he had just found into CBD. So he was off the- Yeah, right. Well, he was proselytizing like he had just found out about it. Did I ever tell you about the time he tried to make weed cookies? Yes. Oh, yeah, okay. Did I tell it on the show? I don't remember if it was on the show, but I remember hearing about that.

And that was, yeah. He ate the cookie dough. He ate the frosting. He ate the cookie dough just because that's what he's used to doing, the cookie dough, he ate the frosting, he ate the cookie dough like, just because that's what he's used to doing, eating cookie dough, and he forgot that he put a bunch of wheat in it. He's like, yeah, I spent the next three hours

just standing in the yard. I went out to water the lawn and it took three hours. I don't know what I was doing. Well, yeah, so then he's off the deep end on him, however much CBD he felt like enjoying. And I watched him mow, or he took a weed wh whacker weed whacked the whole canyon. Oh, yeah mine. Yeah. Yeah backyard. Oh Canyon. Yeah Comes back up drops the weed whacker like at your feet Well, I'm done you got a bunch of cleanup I gotta get going I

Gotta get going and you were just, welcome. Are you fucking serious? Here's a list that my dad has helping me move. Tracked. He was the first one in my new apartment. Because he's always, you know, always the first one in first first one in first one out first one in my apartment moving new stuff in. Track dog shit into the apartment on step number one. You guys got anything to clean that up? And I'm like, what do you think all this is?

Yeah, it's right here. Yeah. Moving from that apartment, he didn't tie any of my stuff down. And he took a left turn at about 80 miles an hour to get on the freeway, so my computer chair flew out and was destroyed. He gifted it to a homeless encampment off the freeway. Trebuchet it to him. Gouged the bejesus out of an apartment door, moving a fridge.

This is- One of, one, never fails, never fails. Like Mr. Bull in a china shop. Bull in a china shop, especially when he's moving stuff. But we went up to my parents' house to get the baby crib yesterday.

And I was, I walked outside and the baby crib parts were like placed neatly next to my car and then we're moved where me and him are loading it in the car and he's like oh you want to be careful right there and I'm like who the fuck who the fuck is this guy yeah be careful he knows those words so if my son ever needs his help to move anything, he's gonna go, I don't know what you're talking about, Dad. Papa was very careful with all my stuff. I'm gonna be like, yeah. It wasn't always that way. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? He's like, do you want to tie this down?

The crib laying in the back of my truck. He's like, the planks, do you want to tie this down? I'm like, tie it down to what? He goes, oh, it'll probably be okay. I'm like, since when are you fucking Mr. Tie Down? What? When has this world come to, man? What has happened here? I think that COVID shot scrambled up your brains.

Unreal, I never thought I'd see the day. I know man, me either. Did you see any pictures of the, of the Yar sale around here when you were driving up? Oh man, look, when I lived in one of the shittier parts of North Hollywood, if you can imagine that. Yeah, yeah. By the laundry mat that would always catch on fire

that I would do my laundry at, there was always a Yar sail. It just said Yar, Yar, sail. Spray painted haphazardly on a piece of particle board. Yeah, they're still doing it. Yeah, it's... Yar sail. Well, so then something happened to it,

and then I saw another one pop up. Man, there's this lady going through the trash in our neighborhood. She's looking like the fucking ring. She's got her hair all, I don't know what race. I think she's some sort of Asian. She's like the trash kappa or something. She's like a trash demon.

She's going around looking like the ring, gobbling around in people's trash cans like you're gonna get fucking you're gonna get shot Doing that shit, and it will be me shooting you she opens the lid and there's a shotgun It's fucked like you drive around and they always she always does it at like Demon type of hours to like five in the morning or oh, yeah She's ready like in there Her joints are all the wrong way the rings popping out of the trash What the fuck's happening here man busted puppet? Yeah, it's like a busted puppet

going through the garbage I Got to see that Mexican Navy trip again. See here. Well see they. See, they were trying to bring the Yarr sail to us. Oh, yeah? Oh, with the Navy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go. Goodbye. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- You know they post those clearances online. Right. And you can see, especially when you have guys riding in your...misen mast. Look first one to do that boat as a Red Bull soapbox derby car.

I think you're gonna win something. Was this poured correctly? Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna sign off on it. You mean I could have done that at any time You mean I could have just said that and That's when my TMJ kicks in It takes a lot of restraint not to just pick one of them up and throw them over the edge bury him in the concrete

Let's see what happened this week concrete. Let's see what happened this week. Bitcoin shakes Mexican Navy. Oh Tim Wall's son is not retarded. What the hell. This was a surprise. Really. Yeah. What. This makes me a rage. This fucker. Remember this fuck. Remember this piece of shit. Remember this goofball. Oh yeah. Everyone was making fun of him, and then everyone got yelled at for making fun of a retarded kid. Right? Remember that? He was like, My dad is gonna be my friend! He was like going like this and crying! Do you remember that?

Yeah. You remember that. Of course, that made its rounds, man. Let me see if I can find that to just remind everyone of what happened there. Oh, by the way, live.dick.show, get tickets to Boston June 21st, is that what it is? June 21st, yeah, June 21st, it's gonna be great. Carl, W-A-T-P, Carl, us, Johnny, you're gonna be there.

I'll be there. I'm gonna try to, I gotta harass Sean to see if he'll go. Two audio engineers at one time, oh yeah. What we'll do is we'll make a V-neck, like a double-wide V-neck that we can both be in. Tim Wall's son crying. Yeah, that my dad, he even said it like a retarded person we named her hope remember this remember this normal acting normal when you are my entire

world and I love you okay this look at this shit he's retarded! Fuckin' heck! I'm letting you in on how we started a family because- Those are the actions of a retarded guy! Was he pretending to be retarded? To trick us? If so, then that's pretty funny. Was this a retarded honey pot?

This is a big part- Okay, so then, he's going to prom and I said, okay, maybe they got some special ed kids going to prom, maybe he's paired up with like another goofy, a goofball girl or boy. Hey man. Doesn't, I don't know. You know, no judgment from me.

But then, here's him talking, totally fucking normal. What the hell? Yeah, yeah, yeah. First ever interview, blah, blah, blah. Feeling the intensity live with. Where is it back to that moment? Okay. Remember it was crazy.

And I'm like looking at my mom and I'm like, you know, that's my dad. He's right there. He's right in front of all of America. All these. What the fuck, Johnny? Your dad's being careful. This kid's not retarded. What's next? I demand satisfaction. I had to defend myself for making fun of a retarded kid for like a week. Mm-hmm. He's not retarded at all Just goes to show don't ever defend yourself. I guess right don't ever defend yourself cuz they're probably faking it. Mm-hmm

They're faking it for sympathy. It's all AI Defend yourself because they're probably faking it. They're faking it for sympathy. It's all AI What if see what what if he's retarded right and they just put the AI like somebody is smooth talking James Bond we don't we don't know dude. We weren't there filming it. We just don't know bro You're gonna believe this is on the internet. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true. I'm not believing shit man It's probably AI. I don't believe things I see in real life even because they slap they slap the Down syndrome filter on girls now I still realize that that's funny the hot Down syndrome girl has more to offer than the the real hot girl Which is true. I mean if if the choice is like a normal girl

With a hot body or a Down syndrome girl with a hot body Every every guy unless you got something wrong with you every guy's going Down syndrome because you can keep that bitch busy With nothing, you know, she's got a whole stack of coloring books off Amazon Have at it You're always gonna be ten steps ahead. She doesn't want to plan anything. Did I ever tell you about this band Dragonfire? No. So my friend who I've done some silly hijinks with.

Yeah, yeah. Who the Op guy? Yes. Yeah. So he. Do you want to plug that stuff, or you want to keep it separate? Oh, sure. Yeah, go to x.com slash, I think, almightyop is the tag.

Also, instagram.com slash almightyop. Just go look up almightyop. Go check it out on YouTube. We just put a new video out called Cooking with K. Very funny, very informative. With ketamine? You'll have to just go see. It's not cooking on K. It's cooking with K Okay, okay, but he hired this act called dragonfire for this like silly event. He did one time

Yeah, and it was um this guy the sex executioner a short little fat guy He was covered in leather cool, and then there was the drummer who's a normal guy. Yeah, and then a normal semi-normal guitarist and then the Yeah. And then a semi-normal guitarist, and then the promoter's brother, who was this big retarded guy who had a homemade Superman costume. And so they would do covers of like ACDC songs and stuff,

and the sex-ecutioner would sing. But then when they'd get to the guitar solos, the other guitarist had a pedal and he'd step on it. And then the big retarded guy, it would unmute everyone else's mics. So everyone would think the retarded guy was doing like a amazing solo so they were he would be silent the whole time okay and then he would he'd be playing yeah and then they get to the solo it cuts everyone else's stuff yeah you just hear

just like him actually playing for the solos okay so the opposite yeah and then so after but part of the show is his brother would hand out marshmallows and silly string for the crowd to throw at the retarded guy. And then after the show, my friend was walking past and he said he overheard the retarded guy talking to his brother and he goes, I just don't know how they always know

to bring silly string and marshmallows. And so yeah, you can always be 10 steps ahead if your girlfriend is down syndrome because man yeah everyone would take that deal I just I don't know man you're just like a famous you know I mean lobotomies were amazing until they've figured out what we were doing right you know we always knew what was happening it's they're like oh medical science doesn't know. I was like, no, no, everyone knew what was happening there. Absolutely.

Like, that was just better. Yeah. It was just better. We were, you know, a little funnier back then. Let's see, a bunch of Indians stole everyone's. Oh, man, this is great. Everyone's Coinbase shit. Oh, I was going to say that.

Coinbase has made my phone just unusable. I can't even answer calls anymore because they get if you get picked up in one like data breach your shits out there forever. So they make the government makes crypto companies go through this retarded KYC process know your customer where you collect you you collect everyone's data, or you hire an Israeli company to collect everyone's data, and you gotta, everywhere you go,

if you wanna do anything with crypto, you gotta show your license, and then continue on your phone, and take all these fucking pictures, even though all of everyone's data is just out like it's all of its out fake stuff is the AI stuff is better than the real stuff the first person that got their shit hacked made sure AT&T released everybody's fucking social security numbers. Oh yeah I always get the like the periodic email from spectrum that's like you're never

going to believe this and it's, well, actually I do believe this because you guys are the biggest fuckups in the world when it comes to keeping our data secure. And don't worry, we got you a complimentary week and a half of credit secure, which our partner sells for $200 a year to see if your data has been breached. It's like, I don't need that service. It's always getting breached because you retards make make companies Collect everyone's data which they don't care about because it's not like part of their business because everyone knows it's stupid So you told them to collect everyone's data and they're like, well, we'll do the bare minimum which is just collect it and

keep it in a Folder a public folder like we don't care about this because we don't care about it because we didn't make these dumb IDs in The first place we care about keeping all the crypto shit secure right as it should have been So they paid a bunch they pay a bunch of Indians to run their customer service. Because it's, I don't know why companies think this is less insulting than just having no customer service. Is paying a bunch of Indians to do it.

Maybe they think it's funny. Like at some, someone at some level thinks it's funny. Cause it's not helpful. It's getting to the point where I'm about to hit two for Spanish now. Yeah. Can Indians speak Spanish? I don't think so. Well, I said your so yeah My name is Paco. I'd be like fucking shit Casey are you daughter? But I'm going to count sir, you know, at least if you press to senior sir

You're getting someone who might you get a higher chance of someone who you know You know yeah a little better like look man. I got We look about the same right come on Dude, it's just it's crazy that they can do it with a straight face like oh, oh yeah, okay Yeah, no no the government. Yeah, the government makes you do the KYC thing. I hate that I get why you wouldn't care about that Just one little question This like I feel like Colombo Colombo could just solve all the h1b. I've got one more thing. Yeah, did you hire any Indians? Oh, yeah I think I found the security hole

Right here you hired the you hired the guys that all they do is Scam and get run over by trains and what did they did they get run over? Did a train run over everyone's data? Oh, they sold it. Oh Yeah, it's like guys who get paid five cents an hour Right to ask people if they help solve their problem the guys who can't tell if they solved your problem or not You mean you to tell me you gave everyone's data to guys who can't tell whether or not they solved your problem Well, what was the thinking there? Modern Colombo. He goes, and so for my first question,

and that's his first question in these, right? It's fucking crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy working in crypto because you have to fill out the same stupid, know your customer, know your business question. Every time you open an account with anyone, and then some Indian on their end is asking totally retarded questions about how you're complying with money laundering. And you're like, I don't, I have no fucking idea.

Money laundering from who? From whom? Well, they're trying to learn. God? Well, they're trying to god yeah, they're trying to figure out so that they can figure out their next Man I don't know It's crazy. Hey those Indians sold all your data. Yeah, I mean figured as much. Yeah. Yeah, they don't care Yeah, why would they? You mean you mean at some point you make it sound like at some point they stopped and they started. Right.

They were doing it the whole time. They were doing it, the first Indian there was selling it to the second guy they hired. Like that's, have you never been, have you not, have you never been them there? Do you not know any of them? Have you never been? Ah.

I've never been just fine him hiring out outside the US a hundred billion and infinity dollars fine fuck you okay Tim Wallace's son is not retarded check that one out that's pretty pretty fucked up, buddy. Oh I got Maddox thing all right. Oh No, what else is he losing that uh he's talking about George Floyd oh Man the George on George man Maddox says uh his tweets get a lot of attention because they're like a I don't know there's something there's something just perfect about him the same thing that made Maddox famous

But now it's like on the liberal side. Well, he spends so much time crafting these, right? Oh, yeah. You know. Yeah. Uh, Schrodinger's George Floyd. So drugged, so drugged and inebriated that he was moments from dying. But also a super big threat. Who needed to be subdued with a knee on the neck for nine minutes and 29 seconds. I thought it was eight minutes.

Have I been holding my breath for the wrong amount of time this every year? Six million minutes actually. Was it six million minutes? Schrodinger, George Floyd. Yeah, that's how PCP works, bro. Like I don't think he died of a drug overdose, but if he was on PCP he would definitely be a big threat until the moment he died. Yeah. Motherfuckers lift cars and take bullets and keep going

Fucking heart explodes. Yeah, you're real dangerous up until the minute your heart explodes and the bitches You can't really predict when that moment's gonna be That's all you got to go all out. You didn't OD on weed I've tried oh Maddox by the way I might have told this story a long time ago but Maddox is Maddox is a tough guy right? Well he is yeah. Backseat backseat police officering. Mm-hmm. Like oh so he was on drugs so he died and you still needed to pin him down for nine minutes. Maddox got one time I was with Maddox got...

One time, I was with Maddox at a swap meet. I was with Maddox and my life coach at a swap meet. And we had just walked by the Nazi flag guy. No, at every swap meet, there's one Nazi flag guy. So we... He's looking, I noticed that he's looking at stuff intently with like intent, right? He's like, Maddox is locked in, right? Fiddling with some stuff. And I go over there and he's fiddling around with a toy gun, like a fake replica gun.

Why are you fiddling around with that? What are you, you gonna shoot something, like a, shoot a comedy sketch or something? You need a gun? Why are you fiddling around with that? What are you, you gonna shoot something, like a shoot a comedy sketch or something? You need a gun? Why are you fiddling around with a fake gun? I got fake guns, what do you need a fake gun for? And he goes, wow. He got serious. He said, wow.

I was thinking, you know, last week, I was at, last week I was at an intersection, and this guy was crossing the street really slow in front of me. And I said, was it a black guy? And he goes, that's not relevant. This guy was crossing the street in front of me going really slow.

So I honked at him. So you honked at a guy who's walking really slow in front of you and a crosswalk, and he goes, well the light was green. So I honked at him, and he turned, And I said, you know. Right. Right. And I said, oh wow. So what did you do?

Did you get out of the car and kick his ass? Because I always say, you know, retarded people think you give them bad advice and it's how they think. Right. So they think you're like, they take it. That means you have to stop. It means like you're one of them, right? That's what I thought too.

Like you just say the most retarded thing and retarded people always go like, yeah, me and you are on the same wavelength and smart people go like, yeah, I get it. Yeah, like that was the worst answer I could have gave. Like I said, did you get out of the car and kick his ass? He goes, no, no. But I thought maybe next time, you know.

And he did this, you know, and my life got, cause what, you're going to flash a piece at him? You're going to, is that what this is? Cause he grew up in the, like he's a normal person. And I'm like, yeah, you should, you should get it. So he was walking around with it, like playing taxi driver, you know, like, see if he could trying to imagine doing it he clearly doesn't know the 21 foot rule oh of a crackhead yeah

well a fake gun yeah there is there is a 20 year rule with a fake gun it's got there's not a gun yeah well you're's just. Yeah. Well, you're going to flash it, and the crackhead's going to just kind of take a shit on your car. I thought that was funny in light of this, you know? Mr. Big Shot, Mr. Tough Guy, flashing a fake. It reminded me of that story. That's crazy. To have that genuine thought is like, again, it's hilarious.

That's a funny intrusive thought, right? Yeah. Like, OK, like, again, it's a hilarious, that's a funny intrusive thought, right? Yeah. Like, okay, like yeah, that's ridiculous. I wish I had a fake gun. Idiot. But even then you'd think, I wish I had a real gun, because then you're just with, like it's just, it's an exercise at that point. Yeah, you need a real gun. Yeah.

A real gun can, you know, can also be a fake gun, I guess. And then the thing is, is if you flash a fake gun in LA, there's a chance. You'll get shot. Yeah, there is a real gun. You're getting shot. And they'll be right. Yeah.

They'll be legally right, because you're brandishing a fucking firearm. Fake. Which is illegal. Dying over a plastic gun. He was just so butt hurt that he got spit on for honking at a homeless crack addict. Don't honk at homeless crack addicts, man.

Yeah, you're just going to make it worse. And don't let them see you laughing. That's the worst thing you can do. Just throw shit at them. Yeah. Nice big soda. Bam! If you need to, get it out of your system.

I've got some stories. Of homeless people? Well, from doing posters and stuff. Yeah, oh Dude, I saw I was trying to just mind my business one night. This is downtown putting posters up on a hair tink Tink What the fucking Bob Bob Cratchit even crazier I turn around and this guy has one leg The other one that's missing is at the knee, but he has a upside-down plunger tied with rope to it, and somehow it's staying on well enough, and he's

dragging his... Wait, with the plunger on his knee? Yeah. Okay. The rubber part is around his knee. So the part that sucks the shit out is on the wound of his... Yes. Yeah, okay, and so he's he's using that to kind of stand on and then swivel himself And he gets enough on that and then is able to kind of drag his good foot. Yeah

Tink and I just turn around and see that and I just turned the fuck I'm like does he have a nub for the plunger? I didn't get to see but it just was like I was just like I you know man like I get it fucking I get it, bro I get why I don't I wouldn't want a plunger for a foot. Yeah But then there was one night I had a really bad night and you know I'm trying to put posters up and yeah, it was in on Van Nuys Boulevard There used to be this Mexican market that was a bank back in the 60s Okay, I'd like the googie architecture roof on it looked really cool. I always wanted to go in that building and I'm putting posters up and I hear all these crack heads behind the fence arguing you shut the fuck up

No, you should I'm trying to sleep and I'm like, oh my god You all you're all coming down right now trying to sleep and all right about it It's five in the morning. I have to be at work at eight in the morning. So I take the back of my brush and just start wailing on this wall. Just crack. I'm like, why don't you all shut the fuck up? Like I hate every single one of you. I'm just trying to fucking work right now. And then it goes silent. Finally, cool. So I do my thing, get the posters up. Did you do it in like a like a black voice kind of know I just full voice is like I like I was pissed

Didn't didn't have to wear with all the time I'd worked a long day that day and so okay All of a sudden I hear whispering and then nothing. I'm like, okay cool. You guys got the hint like for the first time Absolutely not they all start taking a piss right behind the wall And I hear it and I'm like, I know what this is. I know what's going on here. Yes off Yeah, and I was already to move down. So you start piss and I'm like you sick motherfuckers So I got pissed drove down to I was like a Vons or Ralph's cuz I knew it was open 24-cent I was fucking livid dude. I'd like the last like three a Ralph's because I knew it was open 24-7. I was fucking livid, dude. I had like the last like three bucks in my account at the time.

I bought a little glass bottle of clam juice. And I fucking went back there. I found a brick in the street. May or may not have thrown that over the wall. And then I threw the clam juice up at the ceiling of the roof and it shattered and rained glass and clam juice everywhere. And I was just like, you— And I started slamming on the wall again. I was like, you're gonna piss on me.

Like, I'll fucking fold this whole wall down with you. And I was just like- Like the three little pigs. Yeah, so like I get the homeless aggression, but like that was like- Oh man, fuck the homeless. Right, so that's- Not so sick of their asses. And that was years ago.

So it was like, it's all gotten worse. We're done helping. We're done. That was it. You guys had a couple years. Yeah. We're done. Done.

No saving it now. Clam juice, man. We're turning you into clam juice. I was just like, it was the nastiest thing I could find at the time for what I could afford. Let's see. Did you see that? It felt really good though.

Yeah. It felt so good. I was like, ah, finally. Did you see Eric July called the cops on this guy? The bunny man? You saw that? Yeah. This guy was just trying to get a job at the Rip-A-Verse, man.

I don't know if we watched it on the show. I'm here with my buddy, Edo. We're trying to see if we can get his... Sean. Psycho Sean TV is his channel. But he wants to rip ascent. But it turns out... I guess if you go to the Rip-A-Verse and take a video, you get your own 911 call. Cool.

We're greeted by the fact that Edo tells me that he... Alright, how long is this? Oh, this is... and then this guy laser eyes Oh Eric July's number one Eric July he's the William Riker to Eric July's captain retard I see he called the cops we got his 911 call calling the cops and the funny guy. I already played it on biggest problem I don't know I'm not gonna play the whole thing again. Yeah, that's a shame for You didn't have it out when you called the police Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Isn't that funny? That is funny. What a baby. I mean, look, this is the most press Riververse gets, right? Yeah. Is, you know, just a guy in a bunny hood, with a fake pig stuffed animal with him, I mean. Or I guess his friend Edo, as he was saying. Here is a new med student.

This was going around this week. This is a lady. Oh no. Lady who said, I just graduated this past weekend with an undergrad in biology, doctor in virology, loading. I just graduated this past weekend with an undergrad.

Okay, so she's going to be a virologist and it's a girl, it's a black girl and she's got a grill. She's got a, is that right, Johnny? That's what that is, right? Yeah, you know what? I can get behind this. Yeah. Okay.

Virology, you're not working. You know, you can kind of be in a lab somewhere doing whatever you want. Who gives a shit? Well, I don't have a grill. I don't need a virologist right now. Well, that's the thing. I don't need one right now, yeah.

But if I need one and they walk out and they got a grill, I'm just gonna go ahead and kill myself I don't need to I don't need to copay. I don't need to pay thirty five dollars. I To see a grill I'm gonna be I'll pay five bucks for a girl. You got it thirty five. Oh Hell no Well, here's the thing is if I'm already having to pay the 30 anyway, at least give my virologist a grill, you know? Where else is the fucking money going?

I want it to at least like- That's true, I want to go in and see a doctor like with chains, rings- Yes, like this motherf- Cause you remember- Two pairs of glasses You used to see a doctor and be like, this motherfucker has a Porsche. I mean, like, holy shit, you know, it's a sign of a good doctor. Like at least, oh yeah, not necessarily, but to the, the common, to the layman, right? You see a doctor with a fancy car and like books behind him and shit. You think, oh, he's read all those books. He's earned like, that's a good point.

So then to see her with the grill, I'm like, wait a second. If you just see a lab coat, you're like, I don't know if they gave that lab coat to you, or you, like, it's not, it looks the same. Right. As that lab coat. Anyone can wear a lab coat. You have a grill, that's, hey, I got status, mother, I have a grill.

That's true. I didn't think about it like that, but you're right. I didn't think about it like that at first either, but I'm like, you know what? We're already spending all this money. Let's let it go to the people involved. And these eyebrows that she has drawn on, that also signifies. That tight, yeah, that she has drawn on, that also signifies.

That's tight, yeah. That's a good one. That also signifies prestige and wealth. It's a steady hand, you know? She's steady, not sweating, and a little Asian lady's drawing her eyebrows on. Exactly, yeah. So that she doesn't upset you

when she gives you the bad news about your virus. Yes. It's just always the same expression. That's professional White doctors should do that. They should shave their eyebrows and draw them on you know It's coming look so fat people go in and they don't go like whoa because their eyebrows are like right same Yeah, you see someone with one gold tooth untrustworthy That's a successful virologist right there. Yeah, I was being racist. Oh, right. I was too, you know, it's shame on me but this is actually face this is actually cool and

Better. Yeah and someone I can relate to hey, you probably like rap music right I do too Feel comfortable you think about Kanye's song? That's how you start with this. Yes, see? Conversation starts. How you doing? Pretty good. I've been listening to Kanye all day. Now you break past the bureaucracy of the doctor visit.

Now you get to know your virologist a little better. What time is it? Oh, man. 11, 20. God, last week I felt, that was scary. Dude, it's because you know what dude, it's cause we're not wearing grills. It's really.

I do want, man, I do want to. I'm kind of want to go after this. I know what I'm doing after the show. Well, see, when Gold Tooth, you think I used car salesman, blah, blah, blah. You think, you see a grill and you think, oh, Paul Wall, like Dan Baller, like all the Johnny Depp, you know, those classic.

Are they hard to talk with a grill? It's on top of your teeth, right? Does it affect your teeth? I'm sure. It has to, right? Makes your breath smell like fucking insane. Maybe she's incubating her viruses in the grill. Possibly.

I'm just gonna get a full grill after this. Oh man, you just kind of got to pick which ethnicity is responsible for your death, I guess. Yeah, that's really. Because white people won't be racist. The best white people are gonna give you is, Hey guys, we should all not be racist. And think hey shithead. That's not gonna work Yeah, in fact, who's not be racist? I don't know, but we should all not be racist. Okay. Well Only you guys think that I'm gonna I'm here to you know, tell you why you

Tell you why you went extinct. Yeah, and that's why Well, just ask any South American country how they feel about Chileans and that's all you need to know. It's white people's obsession with rules. Their obsession with sports is because of their obsession with rules. It's in their culture, you know? Their obsession with, sorry, their obsession with rules and following the rules. You know?

No white person has ever invented the kosher light switch. It's to invent rules and then for the sole purpose of figuring out ways around them. Right. White people make rules and then they follow them and then they dump everything they have into celebrating the person who did as well as they could by following the rules.

That's... So all of their messages to each other is, hey, look at these liberals. They're not following the rules. Can you imagine if we didn't follow the rules, we would be upset? Yeah, cause you fucking morons are the only ones that care about your fucking rules. And you really, really do!

I get it! But you gotta stop. The god... It's gotta stop. It was like the rules were made and it's like, well, we can't change them. Did you see every, every, every conservative guy? I don't know. I saw Sven, Sven Stoffels.

You know who Sven Stoffels is? Yeah, he called in before. Yeah, he did the Butch Killigan is his comic. Fucking hilarious comic. He sent it to me, I'm gonna go pick it up. I think I got it at the PO box. Sweet. I'm excited about the second issue.

He reposted something on Matt Walsh, and Matt Walsh was going on and on about hypocrisy and stuff that imagine if we did it, it would be this. And I'm looking at it going, you guys are just cooked. I see Elon Musk going, you know, no one should be racist. It's like, yeah, man, that's a... Everybody should be racist.

Everybody is. Well, that's there. That's all nice, okay? That's why the messaging needs to match. The rockets aren't already in space. You're figuring out how to get them into space. Right? You understand that, right?

You gotta deal with the world as it is. Not as this... Not as it could be. Not as a fucking football game. Um... Okay. But I'm Mexican, so it's easy for me to see. Do I have any more shit?

Nah, just crying about stuff. Cool. I thought it was a fun thing to do. Man, you know what the worst part of this TMJ shit is? If it's TMJ, I'm going to take this virologist off the screen. When's the first Supreme Court grill going to be? That's what I'm saying get a virologist off the screen. When's the first Supreme Court grill gonna be? That's what I'm saying, dude. We need grills on the moon now.

The man in the moon himself needs a grill. I hope my son's alive to see the headline of Black People, Are We not good enough for Mars? Why do they always send us to the moon? You know, the racial disparities of. Interplanetary racism. Yeah. That is, I can't wait for that.

Yeah, I can't wait for that, right? Space Mexicans. Space, yeah, well, yeah, they'll be last like always. Who's gonna build it all you know? Who's gonna fuck up the decks in space who's without Mexicans there who's gonna shave off? two inches of Composite board that's a shit ton of material wasted well. You know it's even more fucked I said and I knew it.

I thought in my mind, my first thought was, when you think about things as a man, women don't do this. When you think about things like a man, your first thought is when you were a child. Your second thought correcting it is when you're in your 20s, and then you think in your thirties. And I assume it goes like that

as every decade you get older. This is what I'm telling you boys out there. You will start seeing the error of your ways and your thinking. That's why you don't matter till you're 30. Yeah. I said, you know what? They probably ran out.

And then 30 year old me said, ah, ah, ah. And I walked over to the side of the house where they dumped all the wood. And I said, sure enough, there's six other, six other perfectly good boards that could have used. Sol Green says, hey, Dick, my wife's pretty sensitive about racism. She's the type of person who thinks that the N-word is off limits, even if you're in the car, singing to yourself. Well, what else are you supposed to say when someone cuts you off in traffic?

I mean, fuck, man. It's just like... I feel like... I feel like the feel like the the n-word is like the final boss of feminist Government the final boss of postmodern Liberal feminist government, which is all the shit you've been doing, all the shit that liberals have been doing since women's suffrage up until now, is pretty much all summarized

by guys getting pissed off and saying the N-word. I can't walk completely through it, but I'm pretty sure that is, it is, and Kanye's song nails it. I can't see my kids, I get all this money, I'm getting used for my money and my insanity, I can't see my kids, everyone calls me a Nazi, fuck it, you know, go Hitler.

Well, it's like the new Jesus Christ, right? Like, we had nothing to say when we stubbed our toes, had a bad day, whatever, until the invention of Jesus Christ, right? Yeah. And then it just so happens, however many hundreds, thousands of years later, so then we get a new Jesus Christ 2.0, right? A new word that is, you don't ever take the Lord's name in vain, you're going straight

to hell, while, you know, there's all this like taboo of why you can't say it. And then so it's like, when then when you're forced to say it, because you know, you're rather when it's the resort you land at, you know, it's to really express, I'm being blasphemous because of the how stupid it was. I tripped over this, you know? OK, my wife's pretty sensitive about racism. Who thinks that the end was off limits? Yeah, that's pretty sensitive about racism who thinks that

the N-word is off-limits yeah that's why I think that because they they do women do they will they'll run this shit and guys who are bitches will also do that. I accidentally found myself humming Heil Hitler as I did chores around the house and she lost her mind at me but how disrespectful it is so in my best attempts to be an annoying idiot, I've been verbatim, loudly singing all my N words, N words, N words, H word, H word. Oh, he's been substituting N word and H word for Hitler.

And so on, it's been pretty funny, but she'll probably kill me soon. You'll be better off. Yeah. Love the show, go fuck yourself. Smooches for Johnny. Well, thank you. Let me see if I can get a drink. It's allergy meds or? Yeah, no, there's um, you know, you must look at the, you must examine the why, why is this being? Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Okay. Ferminator. I ordered sneakers from a US facing website and they shipped directly from China and they have been at the New York Customs Affairs Office since the 27th. And I have a feeling they're holding them until when the minimum exemption expires

so they can blame me for the tariffs. Yeah, well, you deserve it. Yeah. That's what you get. What do you mean US facing? You said you know better and you still did it. They really, they really trapped boomers with the idea that younger people are lazy

To just like keep shipping in immigrants because you ask any boomer They're like, well, yeah, cuz you guys are too lazy to work. So we need those Indians and you're too stupid like oh So somebody told you basically you're like fantasy that that no one is as smart and hardworking as you, and then they dumped 20 million Haitians in your backyard. Do you not see that that was a scam? No. Oh yeah, because all of you boomers are totally unscammable.

Not one of you ever realizes that you've been scammed. It's always fucking some good move. What is, what sickness is that? Is that just what being a boomer is? Yeah, it's like an inability to process new information, I think. An ability to like, well, look, I'm a person, but like none of, no one else is.

Yeah, no one else is a person. Why would you have thoughts or feelings or give a fuck? Yeah, I don't know what it is. I think they just can't learn new things quickly. And I don't think it's age. No. It's got everything to do with, like, I just didn't want to learn that.

Yeah, because they're proud of it. Yeah. If they've never changed their mind on something, they're like, yeah, I've never changed my mind. It it's like mmm. That's not a good. That's not good Okay Allergies and the reasoning hey dick a majority of cities in the US planted male trees To keep down on cleaning up seeds. Oh It's why as the years go on, pollen gets worse as the trees grow.

I suffer the same except with my sinuses where I feel like my eyes will pop out of my skull. My girlfriend's dad, a city planner, told me about this stupid decision. Really? So the government made everyone sick with hay fever by planting a bunch of fucking male trees. Great.

Who was the inspector on that, you know? How urban planners preference for male trees has made your hay fever worse. Horticulturists urge better sex mix of trees to mitigate rising asthma. Oh my God. And CO2 pollution levels. That's amazing. Well If there's anything that is not fucked up that the government isn't behind I have yet to find it. Mm-hmm

Sam and Dracus Small trucks. Hey dick and Johnny Your truck problem put me into a rage spiral as I've been looking for a decent small truck for years. Nissan hard body. What's that? It's like a, I'd say like 96 maybe? 96. Great. Closest thing I've found is the Ford Maverick. Oh, that one's cool too. The ridiculous cafe standards you referenced were half the problem. Back in the 60s,

the US imposed a 25% tariff on light trucks. This is still in place and has been described as a policy in search of a rationale. Weren't they all? I mentioned this because I was just in South America. And almost every vehicle I saw was a brand new Toyota Hilux or a Chevy D-Max. Yeah, it sucks man God everything is just every everything is fucked. Mm-hmm because of the stupid government They're basically a Chevy s10 still being produced in Ecuador. It's just fantastic that we have a US car company making the truck I want in a place. I can't purchase it from that pisses me off

Love the show and veto ignore the haters for the love of God. Oh my God. Dude, I'm reading his fucking posts in Maddix's voice now. He's responding to everybody on YouTube with, if you don't like it, you don't have to watch. Like, oh my God, dude, that is so dumb. YouTube comments, just ignore it, man. YouTube, that's like...

You know how hard I have to work for those viewers? Fuck. That's the lowest of the low, man. What is he gonna listen to? Homeless ramblings in the corner next? If you don't like it, you don't have to watch the show! Never say that. Never say that. That was a Maddox thing. Yeah, it's so bad.

And then I found out this week he's on Concerta, which is meth. Yeah, what is this? This motherfucker trying to throw me under the bus for Bellatro, I mean, he's staying up for weeks at a time fucking playing and now finishing his comic book. What is that? That pisses me off.

Yeah, cause he's on fucking meth. He's like, yeah, it's great. It's like, yeah, of course, meth. Duh, like, idiot. No, you meth. Yeah, it's great. Thank you. Yeah, of course. Like, idiot. No, you don't understand. It helps me get high. Yeah. So then when he comes down from it, he crashes the fuck out. Right. What do you, it gives me a ton of energy. Yeah, it's meth. It's not productive energy. Drugs are never productive. They just give you energy to waste time.

I just imagine him taking one single magic card from one corner of the room and putting it in the other and then going oh wait Hang on and then taking it back up and then yeah, and just like an arguing on YouTube Yeah, you don't like it. You don't have to watch the show. Oh shit. I gotta put that magic card. Hold on more copy. Yeah Laurie says hey dick they solved that Helicopter crash mystery. Looks like you were right. Let's see here. Remember that, that helicopter crash?

Oh, thank you. I do recall. Unlike Alberto Gonzalez, I do recall. You recall? Let's see here. I had that as a forum name for a long time. I do not recall. It's hilarious.

Hilarious bit for the first five posts. Oh, okay. Remember that helicopter that crashed into a plane? Yes. And I said it was the woman pilot that did it? Turns out. And that, could you imagine being in the helicopter with the woman and saying,

watch out for the plane, watch out for the plane watch out for the plane Remember when I said that I do Turn out that's what happened He told her he believed the aircraft air traffic control wanted them to turn left towards the East River Bank Turning left would have opened up more space between the helicopter and the flight She did not turn left. Okay You don't say. You don't fucking say.

Well? The smugness of, you know, like when you drive by a car accident, right? And you're correct. Kind of like that. It's like, well... Yeah, I know exactly what happened. Thought so, yeah. Watch out for that plane. Frozen like a goat. like a fainted goat. Mm-hmm.

Eee. Well. Just, man. I can't, I mean, I'm only one man. I can't stop this. I tried, I did the best I could to stop this. For 20 years, I've been trying to stop exactly this. And you know what it got me?

Nothing. Mr. Bad Guy. Man. They hated Jesus too, man. It's fine. Yeah. It's all good. Jesus said, a woman who makes herself a man will enter the kingdom of heaven. He said, you wonder why there's no fat bitches up on the cross? And then that's when they poked him in the side.

And he laughs, where is Jesus Christ? Well, you know, you know why they'd never find your wife up here, that's it buddy Cuz they don't have crosses big enough for her fat ass Long enough for trees to grow that big yet Look there's plenty of Bible humor on this show. It's for all families, you know, all ages. Okay, well, better luck next time. Maybe the women can review what happened and they could work on listening.

You could call it something else. Call it shopping. Shopping is when you hear words from your co-pilot and you do what he says. That's called shopping. Let's go shopping today, right? And they're like, I love shopping, yeah. Oh, those are words I just heard.

I'm gonna do them. That's how you have to direct them and be like, there's a Target over there, what? Target's on sale over there. Target the store? Shoot that Target. I love Target. I meant Starbucks, fuck.

Yeah, really. the store yeah shoot that target I love target I'm at Starbucks fuck mmm yeah really you got it cuz they they steer wherever they look right so if you look over there at that dog what that's it's cuz no one on the on the helicopter gasped beforehand there was no boom I would have saved it if I could quantum leap into that guy I Would say look your husband's fucking that woman over there She would have gone war and she would have just gone left naturally and air traffic control being like someone's gotta do something Someone's gotta do something and I'll go Look Look at your husband's look. He's looking at porn on his phone. She would go go left

Yeah, that guy's got that guy's just saved the day She would go, well, just go left. And that guy, that guy just saved the day. Rah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha in the background. That's my favorite. That's my favorite. That retarded guy loved the Beatles. So did all the other retarded guys. I'm retarded? Yeah, I'm retarded. God. Winrar Studios. Nick Fuentes wants to come on your show. Whoa! Here's the clip from someone super chatting asking his opinion of you. I lowered the audio to stop the ringing.

Thanks a lot, smart ass. I hope you actually didn't lower the audio. It's probably increased. Yeah, that's what I gotta be real careful of now. Okay, Nick Fuentes talking about me? Cool. I hope it's nice. I like Nick Fuentes. Yeah, let's get him on. Uh... Yeah, maybe if my hearing gets better...

If my hearing gets better, I don't want to be like... Fuckin' deaf to talk to him. I get the volume low on my end too. Alright. Here we go. Wait, wait, wait. Whoops. Whoops, whoops, whoops.

Let me cue it up. Alrighty. And here we go. Anyway. Grand Admiral Fuckface sent $10. Thoughts on Dick Masterson? Would you ever go back on the Dick Show? He's always had nothing but good to say about you. I love him. I think he's great. I met him in person. He was totally chill. Huge chiller.

And he let me use the studio to do my show. So I like him a lot. He's a great guy. He's always been a great guy. Very funny. He kind of red-pilled me on women. I told him that when I met him When he was on Dr. Phil He did that whole anti-feminist thing. That is some old head lore. That is some like OG 1.0. He was there from the beginning From that like I was a kid when I saw that So I've always been a fan. I've always loved Dick Masterson, very funny guy. So he's great. I would totally go back on his show.

He's terrific. Yeah! Awesome. Ah! Cool. See, Johnny, I couldn't stop that crash, the helicopter crash, but I've inspired men to take over

and try to stop the next one. You know? That's all that matters, he just needs one. Me, I was nothing. I was just one guy, you know? When I came out and said, hey everybody, women are retarded. Everyone, everyone was like, we hate you, fuck you. And I said, well, you know, okay. I'm, you know what I mean?

I know you know what I'm, but it wasn't time. You know what I mean? I know you know what I'm but it wasn't time. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. I had to go Get to wait a few years. I had to go in hiding Try to get the word out with my newsletter and my blog and stuff and a book. You remember a book? Well, it's shit. It's been a while. Yeah. It's shit, right? But now because of my actions, the message has inspired future generations who have so many more tools at their disposal.

Nick's meeting with Kanye, who's, you know, their message, the message cannot be contained is what I'm saying. I was quarantined and beaten down, but I persisted. And now the movement against women has become so powerful that it's branching out into Hitler. And- You were the one who dusted off the old tome and then it all... But it's funnier than ever. That's what I honestly, if I had any part in doing the, hey, we got to, you can say these things, but they've got to be funny.

So when people say, what are you really saying? You know, they can't nail you to the cross. Like that's what, that's where Jesus fucked up. It's like, you guys should be nice to each other They're like fucking kill him if he'd have said hey you guys shouldn't be such assholes especially my wife right then I would've been like Okay, Jesus. We'll be nicer right that's that's the Speaking to the audience you know and now we have Nick now we have the future The future of politics the few Nick Fuentes is the future of young men.

You know? Yeah. I mean, he's gonna be, Nick Fuentes is gonna be as old as me when my son is as old as him right now. Can you believe that shit? Oh shit. All that, listen, all that matters, Nick Fuentes is like, he's the perfect, I've never seen it more clear,

looking at it from a bird's eye view of an example of old men, like me and older, being just flat out threatened by a young man's vigor and vitality. They just fucking hammer him with the gay shit. It's like, I mean, what are you guys doing with the gay shit? First of all, you're thinking, you're imagining he's gay.

That makes you the gay one. You're thinking about gay stuff in your head. Also, who gives a fuck? All you motherfuckers are gay. What are you talking about? If prison has showed us one thing is that everyone's all guys are gay. We all know you're gay. Okay If guys weren't so lazy 100% of them would be gay

Dude, I'm telling you the only reason microphones exist is because the conquest of pussy, right? Yeah, anything any brick God ever made any Conquest of pussy right? Yeah anything any brick God ever made any The first mound of dirt the first seed put in the first anything ever done was to go. I gotta get some pussy To be impressive Yeah, and that's a choice. Yeah, you know, I'm choosing to be straight. Okay. Yeah, right Well, you're not very good at singing songs though Okay, yeah, right. It's a lot of effort, man. Well, you're not very good at singing songs though.

So. You're terrible at acting. My dream is just gay guys, turtles all the way down, gay guys up and down, my gay doctor, my gay doctor who made me cry. When he said it's allergies. I walked out of that clinic, I didn't tell this part of the story, I walked out of that clinic. I didn't tell this part of the story I walked out of that clinic and a fat Latina lady the fat

The fat Filipina lady Behind the desk at the urgent care as I was walking out the door. I opened the door. She goes. Oh, are you crying? like Yeah Anybody else did anybody in the yoga studio miss that? Nick Fuentes is such a clear example of older guys being threatened by a young man purely for his vigor, vitality, and the time that he has left. He he has a political insight like The Chicago Italian like the Italian

Machiavelli school of politics that came over and anchored in Chicago and became that school of politics He is he is that He is like that guy that came out like as much as Richard Simmons is whatever that is. Nick Fuentes is Chicago political insight, right? And even when he says stuff that I'm like, I don't agree with that, but I'm like I kind of I kind of hope he gets that Like I hate that world that he's describing but it would be I have like this Because I'll listen to a show every once in a while. I really just really like his insights on He's very he's very funny too.

I have this, what I've realized, growing up in the eighties and nineties, I have this libertarian, like a lowlbertarian disease, this idea that you can just be left alone or that like people can be reasoned into not harming each other. Not possible. It was possible in the 80s for a brief moment. It was possible.

For a brief moment, we could have had something like this, but it was destroyed in the 90s, and it is no longer possible. Right. The future we have now is, it would be great if we had that, but that is a future that does not exist anymore. This is the present that we're in.

And the future that we're going to is one where one of us is getting on the train car and it's not gonna be me. It's gonna be you. That's where we're at. And Nick is, and the kids have to be, the kids have to live in this space, in this future. They don't get to, libertarian shit, that shit's not,

that's gone. So I have, you know, that blackness in me, right, that blackness of me. Right. That blackness of freedom, but it's a curse. It's a curse because it poisons your mind for the present. All I'm saying is all that matters is the kids, you know, the young guys. All that matters is the young guys

who have to try to fix this. We tried, like I said, I tried to stop that helicopter crash for 20 years. I got shit for it. So better luck. So you guys, I hope you have better luck than I did. Better luck next aviation incident. It drives me insane how mean they are to Nick.

Well, again- You should always be helping. Even if he's saying crazy Hitler stuff, you should always be helping young. You should always, always help young men, no matter what. The young men are all that matters. Fuck everybody else. Fuck their feelings, fuck their money, fuck their wars, fuck their institutions, fuck their n-words. All that matters is the young men and everyone, especially guys my age and older, should be cognizant of that. Yeah that yeah well these old guys are ended up kind of where he's starting at so

he's like really you know he's the one in the midst of it all right yeah being like that's where the culture is that's where it is it's not on guys pontificating about you know whatever the Constitution is it's in the street right there it's pepper spraying some fat bitch she showed up here look man he was just trying to season her right he just forgot the lemon spray to go with it Nick Fuentes he's at Kanye's compound right And some rapper comes up to him to talk to him and Nick Fuentes very subtly Reaches out grabs a pair of scissors and moves them away From from both of them. I was like, that's a good move kid. That's a Yeah, it is very good situational awareness

Funny funny funny funny Very good situational awareness. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I said, that's not what that word means. And two seconds later, Nick Fuentes goes, that's not what that word means, but anyway. It's like, ah. Nice, nice. He's on it. Feels nice. Feels nice to be sharing someone's thoughts because you never do almost. Cause they banned all of them. Right.

Sam Hyde's million dollar extremes coming out or is out, I don't know, very soon. I can't wait to see that. I can't wait, man. That's gonna be good They took all our culture Okay Foxy says a female cop sees her own reflection and starts blasting. Oh, yeah

Doo doo doo doo Let's see. Oh, it doesn't exist. Alright, cock tease. It was good. She walks in, turns a corner and shoots and goes, oh, like, like, false, false, like, uh, it was fake. Uh, it was just a mirror. Cameron Yarnell says, tonight is, tonight this dick is going in your ass It's your lack of enthusiasm that made it

Move please don't bring veto to Boston. Don't worry. He's not coming no in hell Well, we would have to ship him via train over there now. Operation Dumbo Drop. Yeah. Mike Dick. I'd rather be the guy going solo to the comedy place than being stuck with Vito. It's a no-brainer, okay? Cut the grass as fuck bicyclers. Alright? Let's see what you got here. Man, bicyclers are pieces of shit. Yeah, they are.

Oh, I saw this one too. Oh, what? This motherfucker rides straight into a DeLorean? Dude, that's 80s plastic It's like, you know, brittle. Oh, it's perfect before this piece of shit drives right into it Well, let's see the DeLorean Bro Fuck you

These bicyclers man, dude, they're the worst They fuck up like this. They got to have their bikes destroyed, you know, yeah Well, they should have the bicycler park and then run into the back of him with the DeLorean It's the only way man Fucking bicycler did that to my car. Did I tell that story? No, it was like sticking out a little bit and he winged the He hit the side of it. It's a parked car in my fucking driveway, dude. Yeah What are you doing? Give me your car. Let me, give me your bike.

Also, why are you riding so fucking fast up here? There's no, it's like a one lane road. Yeah, I'm gonna hire that guy that eats bicycles to eat your bicycle now. And you have to watch. That would be a... Uh, woman alert. All right, woman pepper sprays and Uber driver.

Let's see here. Woman alert. Uh, oh, it was a Muslim Uber driver who started praying at a red light? Uh, yeah, that's the smart move. Who started praying at a red light? Uh... Yeah, that's the smart move. Be racist or die. That's what we're doing now. Oh, jeez. Wait a minute!

She couldn't just get out of the car? Damn. What the fuck? Damn. Wow the fuck? Wow, she is amped up. Really? That was just because he was praying? Plea deal. Okay, 100 hours of community service.

Alcohol and anti-bias programs. Oh. Well. Good luck. Good luck with the anti-bias training. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. I think that's a good idea. bias programs. Oh. What? Well. Why? Good luck.

Good luck with the anti-bias training. Yeah, I think that would make someone more biased afterward. Man, I think praying in Arabic at a red light, like, come on, man. Well, it's- You're asking for that. Different if you know your passengers are Arabic, right? Like, I think that it would, like that would make sense from like a, like, right?

We're talking about cultural sensitivity going both ways. If you have two skittish white girls in the back who are intoxicated potentially, yeah, let's just, you know, even though sure it may be a nice thing you're doing, it's not gonna be received though sure it may be a nice thing you're doing It's not gonna be received that way and clearly wasn't Imagine just like a white guy talking about like You know Wapner was on a three Wapner's on a three Wapner's on a three at a part of red light

Yeah, you're getting sprayed. Yeah, buddy Being weird. Yeah You weird and everyone out just whatever happened to shut the fuck up, you know? Chris Primer says, there was a guy named George Price who ended up bankrupting himself trying to help the chronically homeless and mentally ill. The world would just steal,

the bums would just steal from him. The last time I remember California was building tiny homes. They cost the taxpayer $400,000 each. Yeah, I think that's a low estimate. It's just a scam. So those guys who run the little tiny home builders can get money.

Right. It's not supposed to work. What does it look like at the Dome Village, man? That didn't last long. Yeah, dealing with chronic homelessness is something I don't think anybody's really qualified for. Well, there's no dealing with it. Like, if you want to get... If you want to have... If a hundred thousand people want to just do fentanyl and lay on the street and that's all they want to do, then

there's not really any dealing with it. There's a bunch of fucking criminals. They just want to do crime. Get rid of them. Well, you can't destroy fungus in any meaningful way. Much like- Put them in a fungus house like the Smurfs. Right, yeah. There we go, yeah. Let's just grow all these houses out of fungus.

Call it Smurf Village. So it sounds really nice, but it's actually like a fungus prison. Yeah. And out in the underground. Then you have two things that can't ever be stopped coexisting together Yeah

People think that like the homeless are just you know one bad day And maybe some of them are but not a lot of them That's like a one bad life leading up to like it's not just one day. Oh, yeah Because if you I mean they're just bad They're bad. They're fucking bad guys. They're fucking bad people. Society's working. It has taken bad people, and taken everything away from them.

Like, just kill them. Like, it's not a problem with what we have, it's a problem with them. We designed the system to do that. The problem is that it's our interfacing with them. Yeah. We need to desegregate the homeless population. There's no integrating with them.

No integration, none of that. Everything is built to reject bad people. And we did it. So there's no rejecting them. There's no re-un- There's no un-jecting them. They're out. They fucked up.

They can't get a job. They don't have friends. They don't have family. They're not nice. They're not polite. They have no manners. Their manners are atrocious. Which should be enough to get them executed, but it's not for some insane reason. Here's some fentanyl. Oh, no, thank you. Yeah. Goodbye Well, I'd like a thank you, please Okay, oh What time is it? Oh, it's almost 2. Fuck man. I didn't get to any of my stuff Let's do fat watch

Save all this for next time. Alright. Nothing beats the classic transatlantic accent talking about fat bitches. Yeah. Ringing's okay. Okay. I just have the 10k generator in here going eeeeee, a little low. It's getting a little much right now. Young Clippa sends this in.

Always a good clip from him. Laughing my a- Black woman who fled racist America for Africa desperately wants to return. Okay? I'm gonna crank this up. Let's see what she's got to say about Africa. But y'all, I'd rather go back to America and deal with the racism in America

before I sit here in Africa and deal with the bullshit robbery, the bullshit fraud, the bullshit sc deal with the bullshit robbery the bullshit fraud the bullshit scams The bullshit too expensive the bullshit not having no snacks the bullshit not having no food The bullshit electricity the bullshit hot water the bullshit What's this shit called? shit um what's this shit called they'll be coming down the bullshit animals is scorpions outside the house it's big-ass spiders spiders yeah colorful

lizards you ain't never seen before all in the fucking room with you sleeping with you don't all the bullshit people trying to scam you when you go outside thinking rich so they try to get more money oh yeah you I'm really trying to scam you when you go outside thinking you rich, so they trying to get more money off. Yeah, you. I'm really trying to wrap my head around this shit. I'm really trying to wrap my head around how are Americans coming to Africa and being happy? Please calm it down. No Americans are going to Africa.

I'm ready to go. And I always used to say, if it's up to me, it will be. And I'm gonna go out to Africa and make shit happen. No, I don't want to. I wanna take my business back to America I want to open up shop back in America open up my dentist office and all the stuff that I was gonna do out here and a dentist electricity and the only time our electricity get hurt off is when we don't pay the bill and we got it so good now we got pre-paid electricity so we forget to pay the bill we put some money on their prepaid thing.

Oh, they're prepaid electricity in Africa. Because they can't have anyone skipping out on the bills. Oh, that sucks. Low trust society. Wow. Huh. Huh. Because there's so much racism, you know, in Africa. Like these black people aren't gonna pay their bills? We gotta get that money up front. Very racist of them.

Right back on in two minutes. In less than two minutes. This shit right here, they come on for 14 hours yesterday. I can't deal. I love the people. Don't get me wrong, when I'm outside, I'm having fun. I love the people. But when I come back to reality,

when you come back home, home is where the heart is, right? When you come back home, you're supposed to feel comfortable, you're supposed to be happy, I'm not happy. To live in a house where you look outside and all you see is turkeys and ducks and chickens and sheeps and old malnourished cows. For what? in old, uh, malnourished cows. Oh, god. All right.

Yeah, sounds shitty in Africa, man. Sounds, yeah. Somebody should do something about that. Johnny Rico says, they always assumed women this large had cloven hooves. Their website has some really powerful and brave heifers, too. Okay. Johnny Rico, I also agree with you. Snag, snag tights.

Oh, it's a tights company. Quick find the newest snag products. Well, that's not saying much. Anything they put on is gonna be a fucking stretch product. Chub rub, shorts, leggings, knickers, bras, swimwear, and more. Oh, don't miss out on our latest releases from Snag. Oh, well, this doesn't look so bad.

This chick's fat, but whatever. She's got that jacket covering the fat. Classic move. She's got this duffel bag as a purse to try to make her look skinnier. Oh, this chick's... I mean, this would have been fat in the 90s, but it's not fat anymore. Well, we got a skinny girl here. Well, this certainly isn't that bad. I mean, oh...

I see where he was. Oh, what is... What the hell is this? This is who's shopping at the store. I see where he was. Oh, what is, what the hell is this? This is who's shopping at the store. Yeah, that's, the top was just kind of like a, you know, these are the pre-pissed pants for you. Right now when you get here, here's the good shit. Bum out, sleep t-shirt.

Oh, it's more like a tarp, sleep tarp. Organic cotton, super high waist, duo knickers. You got two underpants? Because it's soaking through? Oh, c- oh, come on. Oh, you know... Come on. This is- this is what they're selling?

Look at this shit. Mint and arabesque. Is that the color? Uh... These full briefs with a super high waist are a best seller for a reason. Those briefs are so full they're spilling out of the sides. God! Great for wearing all day. HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the selling point?

That's gonna cut off circulation if you wear those all day and you're at that size. An ambulance is gonna have to cut them out if you wear those all day and you're at that size. An ambulance is gonna have to cut them out. Yeah. Cut them off of you. They're soft and stretchy, but firm enough to hold your belly securely. They also won't dig in or roll down,

and will last wash after wash. Wow, they're measuring their clothes and number of washes it will take. Oh Fuck's sake. What is this hell? Oh hellish sight snag The fuck is snag Has a industrial durability rating Does it have an about us anywhere? That's what I want to see. It's all just rebranded Carhartt.

Yeah. It's not FAQ. Who we are. That's what it is. Let's see. Who we are. Our purpose. We make clothes for everyone. Mmm. Snag is a purpose-led brand. Before profit, our purpose is to make clothing accessible to everyone. Hmm. Hmm. Snag is an inclusion-led brand.

Yeah. An ethics-led brand. Okay. Well, yeah, that's pretty bad. It's just so generic. Yeah, it is. Israel Angeles, okay. What do you have? How do you work out a FUPA? This guy's gonna show us how to work out his FUPA. Okay. All you have to do is just have a seat.

Whether this was a joke or a clumsy attempt at empowerment, let's set the record straight. That photo, the one you exaggerated with props for views. Yeah, that's mine. And guess what? That image went viral years ago. I was dragged all over the internet and people like you landed. Okay. So a guy's doing a funny how to work out your fupa.

And this fat chick saw it and got upset because she assumes it's based on her. Because she has a giant fat under pussy area, over, what is it, under? Fat? Upper. Upper pussy area. And now she's upset about it, all right. Me on national television.

And because of that, I was able to expand my brand, build a business, and still empower women to love their bodies even before, during, and after my weight loss. While you… Wait, this is after? Yeah. Jesus. Wait, so how big was she before? You got it, man.

I mean big, I don't know. Let's look at her. Let's look her up. …Ladies Fitness Hub, which sounds less like a safe space and more like a group chat. Nobody asked to join. You see loose skin and think it's content. I see it and think, well, look how far I've come. Yes, I'm still losing weight. Yes, I have more loose skin than ever. But I'm still that girl. You may have used my body for views, but let's face it,

I am your views. Without women like me, your little ladies fitness hub is just a man with a mic and nothing to say. I'm not a punchline. I'm not a prop and I'm not you're punching back I'm the blueprint Why they always have to be so empowered like if somebody recorded me being drunk I'd be like, ah, it's embarrassing. Whoops No, well, the thing is, is if it's so empowering, how come she decided to actually lose weight then? She's talking about how she's still on her weight loss journey, which, you know, the journey of a thousand calories

begins with the first zero, but man. Ah, a single Twinkie. Look at the size of this fupa. Yeah, she got so insecure about it, she did something about it, and then she's like, without me, you wouldn't have, and it's like, okay, well, if you're so empowered, then why don't you just stay, yeah.

Without me shitting my pants, you wouldn't have anyone to make fun of. She has to use the wand up front, too. But, you know, if she was so great beforehand, why didn't she just stay that way? She got on TV for being fat? Pfft. That picture, actually, led to me being on national TV and I started a whole business for fat

bitches. What do you think of that Mr. fat make fun of guy? Yeah, yeah, and you're losing it. And I fuck all the guys I want. It's always some version of that. Yeah. Oh yeah, you think I'm fat? Well, I started a fat business and my folds stink.

And I rolled around in mud. And now I have mud all over my tits. What do you think of that, Mr. Man? What do you think of that? Now I'm a big fat pig. I made $30 because of your video making fun of me for being fat It's so and 60 women who are also fat sent me pictures of their asshole see how much I don't care Yeah, I actually love this

I'm fucking I'm big business bertha now. They call me the fattest bitch in town. I Got a loan from the bank. Thanks to you making fun of me. This town isn't big enough for the both of us. For the one of us. I sat on my dog. What do you think of that, Mr. Man? I bet you're gonna really laugh if I eat this whole table. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You think that's funny, Mr. Man? Look at me. This video, this video burned six calories, Mr. Man.

What did you do today? She's chewing in between cuts. I bet you'd fuck me. I wouldn't even know for two hours, cause I'm so fat. Who is this bitch? Tessa, what does her name say? Tessa Williams?

The Stella Williams. The Stella Williams, not just any Stella. Beauty without permission. Yeah, you definitely don't have permission. I'm gonna need to see a note from a doctor. 150,000 fat followers she's got. Here's her posing in front of two cars. It looks like one car. It's actually two cars.

This is their parked tandem. Here she's holding, this is the dog she sat on right here. She's holding up a picture of, see this one? It's like she had to wipe it off of her ass. This is her year anniversary of starting eating her last birthday cake. Right, yeah, I was going to say it's been a year since she's had that specific cake. This is a one year anniversary of starting brunch she's celebrating. I hasn't finished it yet, but she's celebrating the start of her brunch last year. Oh, look, any multi, you know, a party, you know,

any pedestrian party lasts one day, right? I would keep the party alive. Hair wash day, there's a crew. There's a whole crew they send in. The Nishimaru crew comes in, scrubbing them with their boat, scrub stuff. Oh quad tits! Look at this! Holy shit! I had posted how Torrid sent me a surprise box and in the box was some swimwear. It's a very chill and rainy morning so I figured why not have some fun today. Very excited about this let's

get into it. Girl, girl. I feel so hot in this little swimsuit. It looks like she's got a fucking, an oversized fanny pack. Look at just gut. Yeah. Fupa. Spilling out. Man, it's like,

I just like, how do you... I want to freeze that shit like the Terminator 1000 and just crack it, smash it. There are two beauty products that are gonna have me in a chokehold this year. Abiyame for lotion. Look, it just gives you gloss. A chokehold? The ads got me. Kapari for the sunscreen. Well, it's like a small moving parts you know

Oh never wear something like this what the fuck No, no, no, no look at this quad tits put a little nipple on there That's how I lost my YouTube channel. Yeah fucking fatso's and their fat tits These are clown pants this is like asterisks and this is like obelix wears these pants look at this shit He does hold on he fucking does wear those pants Let's be part of this. Oh, yeah a minute asterix and

Obelix this is a look yeah my wrong shit This mother she's wearing the fucking obelix pants oh man There it is close enough Well being the size of an obelisk All right, what else you got honey? Let's see here. Oh, this is her takedown of that skinny guy. So we're going back in time in the diet, right? This is... Poof. I don't think it's working. Oh, this is really exciting fellas. Her face is a different color than her body.

You ever get so fabulous that your face turns an entirely different color from your body, Johnny? It's never happened to you? It's never happened to you? Sometimes I'll get so, I'll be feeling so fabulous and empowered that my entire face will change into a different color. Usually the more empowered I become, the more my face changes. Yeah. Crazy, if that ever happens to you, you know, just go with it. You know, some more people make fun of me and call me fat, you know.

Isn't there a latex board or a spandex board that could be suing for this? You know, be fat. You know. Shhh. Isn't there a latex board or a spandex board that could be suing for this? She looks like a- Like the milk board? Like if you microwaved a jar of marshmallow fluff that's just spilling out. Yeah, and it popped the top off? Yeah.

This is an entire case of Rolos that she got under the Christmas tree. Holy shit, there is. That's nuts. It's not wrapped because what's the point? Right. She's gonna take it off for Christmas anyway. By the five gallon bucket. That's insane. Hold on when she turns around if you just look at her midsection you can't tell which is forward or backward. That's why she was getting clowned. That's free. Because you got that foopa.

Alright, maybe one more. She really got the 360 view going. Matt C says, I'm having anxiety because the ski gear is too tight. Okay. Feeling tight right now. I don't know, I just get a lot of anxiety. Damn it, I hate how Instagram does this. Having a lot of anxiety about my gear.

Fitting tight right now. I don't know, I just get a lot of anxiety when it comes to gear and equipment and things just not fitting right. It's so hard being plus size in a snow sport because they don't make stuff in our sizes. You have to order. Yeah, the toboggan. Right, yeah.

She just needs two toboggans. Yeah, the pipe that the sled, that the bob sled sits in, that's for you. You just get the bob sled out and you get in there and three and four little Jamaicans will get on top of you And get you going right and then let you slide down. It's like a Mario Party mini-game They all like four kids ride a big penguin down. Yeah, that's for you uh the skis

No Well, here's the thing you got to factor in too Right. How how close is the nearest village at the bottom of the hill? in too, right? How close is the nearest village at the bottom of the hill? Because if she goes to the bottom, she's reaching, you know, she's reaching Mach 5 probably. Yeah. So there's got to be some sort of like maybe another mountain she could go up, you know. Okay. areas so just having anxiety about that right now. Definitely having a lot of anxiety. Okay.

You have no right areas. Let's start there. Mm-hmm. All right, everybody. Patreon.com slash The Dick Show. Live.dick.show. Johnny's gonna be there. I will be there.

Carl's gonna be there. Carl will be there. The hardest working man in podcasting. Mm-hmm. Carl is. Very, he's very funny. Very funny guy, Carl. Oh yeah.

We'll see you there. We'll see you next, see you Monday. I can't hear, I can't even hear when it kicks in. There it goes. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Is that ever- Is that me? I did a bunch of- I was trying to answer the last one. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Maybe, probably not. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna be Jay. Say hi, start watching TV. I'm gonna go back to the hotel. It'll be like five minutes. I'm gonna go to the hotel.

A tiny bit of weed in your life would help. Yeah. Just enough. So now I'm like, am I a pothead now? CBD guy. Oh yeah, I don't think CBD works. It doesn't work on me. Like, fuck.

Gotta ask your dad, dude. Do I legit have to smoke medical weed now every night? Oh no. No, you just need to hit us some old mids nice 90s just like Yeah, nothing. So now I got to test it again tonight. Oh No, I gotta smoke weed And look at me I'm so healthy now right without drinking. Ugh. Feels disgusting.

I wake up, my eyes are wide open. You know, get right out of bed. What kind of life is that? I have to warm up in joints. Sucks. Yeah. Fucking sucks. I got to spark joints when I wake up, you know. Ugh.