The Dick Show - Episode 462 - Dick on Breastfeeding Class

Episode Date: May 26, 2025

I bomb a joke at breastfeeding class, someone tears a tree out of my yard, 30 year old South Park episodes are banned, a woman forgets to activate a tornado siren, the purpose of AI, flutes and pants, vaccine advice, a lady cop gets her gun taken away from her, a mortician writes in about solving murders, a Kanye freestyle, a fat woman gets stuck in a booth, and arguing with your parents; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Ah, you really cheered me up before the show, Johnny. I did. I gotta tell ya. Yeah. The number one, we should do a family feud style. What is the telltale sign that you're on meth, that someone is on meth? Survey says.

Survey says taking apart electronics. And trying to repair them. We're trying to repair them. Because you think there's value in it. there's you're gonna resell it somehow About this too, sir number one, I'll take itching picking. Oh, yeah, that one's pretty good number three Johnny for the steel hoarding hoarding yeah number two Johnny for the steel Taking apart electronics and trying to fix them because you think you could sell them for more Survey says ding ding ding number one response

I have observed so many meth heads and crack heads putting posters up at night that you know I Circuit City back there. I know I know Man well, maybe we'll get into that a little later. Oh my god, we were, I feel a little bit hungover today. That's great. Like a tiny whisper, you know, like, whew, like hangover, cause I haven't had anything to drink in like, you know, since Hackamania.

Damn. And I barely drank there cause of my ears, cause I'm at the point like, okay, well, it must be something, so stop doing everything. Right. You know? So I stopped saying thank you and I'm sorry, number one.

That should have fixed everything. That causes stress to me. Having to admit that I'm wrong and I apologize for something, that stresses me out. And stress could be contributing to my TMJ, so I shouldn't be doing that. Thanking people too, that's a- Thanking people, very bad, very stressful.

Thinking about other people, putting yourself in their shoes, empathy, empathy in general, is very stressful. So for my mental health, I've been trying to be as selfish as possible, and I think it's working. It's working because last night, this might also be due to Merlogic. It was his birthday yesterday. And he said he used his birthday wish to wish for my tinnitus to go away.

And for 20 or 30 minutes last night, while I was drinking a couple beers with Randy, I hadn't been out in a month. with Randy. I haven't been out in a month. You know, I haven't gone out. The thing about chronic pain is that it makes your world very small, where usually you don't think about limitations in general. It's just a money thing.

But being broke, even being broke, it makes your world a little bit smaller, like 1% smaller. You can't go on yachts and like, you know, fuck women who are still just as big as a pain in the ass as yours, but hotter, right? You can go on yachts. It's about the game of finesse at that point. Okay, well, for guys like me, who are too lazy to have finesse and ugly and 5'11 and .9, did you see that? It's crazy to have finesse and ugly and 511.9.

Did you see that? I posted my height measurement from my medical portal. Cause I remembered while I was looking for the TMJ prescription that Dr. Ching Chongus prescribed me and then never sent me. When I started the grand quest to find my permission slip from the doctor to get $35 TMJ therapy that they have room for me in sometime in June.

These motherfuckers, man, these goddamn immigrants, every single doctor of anything, other than like the guy you can just kind of walk in to the idiocracy clinic and say, hey, take your best shot, dude. And he's not even a doctor, right? Just like you, just take your best shot. What's wrong with me?

If you want anything better than that, it's like a two month wait. And then I found out, I didn't bother to look this up, but I read that the American Medical Association was so worried about having too many doctors in the year 2000 that they limited the number of medical school enrollees. They put a cap on it like a taxi cab

because they were worried about having too many doctors. Can you imagine? God forbid we have too many people who train for 10 years who can heal people of death, who can treat death. God forbid we have a market inefficient amount of geniuses in America who can cure death and pain. Right? This is the thinking that went,

that's why I didn't bother to look it up. Cause I'm like, oh, that's definitely what they did. I don't need to look that up. That's absolutely something that they did. We got to limit the amount of guys that we have for some reason. I don't need to look that up. That's absolutely something that they did. We gotta limit the amount of guys that we have for some reason. I don't know, let me see, my wife's texting me now. Yeah, okay, yeah, great, great, great, thank you.

What was I saying? The doctor thing. The two month delay in TMJ therapy. Two month delay. I'm like, yeah, okay, two month delay, let me guess. Is it because it looks like Olvera Street in there? And you got two dozen, the old people, they're just like, you know, shuffling in.

Like, oh, I got this, something wrong with my hand. And it's like, yeah, well, yeah, it's like, it's fucked. Cause you should be dead. That's what's wrong with you. Cause your body and mind, you should be dead. Nothing's what's wrong with you because your body and mind, you should be dead. Nothing should work. That's why. Yeah, somehow your resilience has gotten you through all the way up to here. Can't we like get a fast pass for the people who aren't supposed to be dead right now?

Can I get some kind of preferential treatment because I'm not supposed to be dead. I checked my tags, okay? You got at least another year. These people are supposed to have died 30 years ago. Road Rage Boston, Carl will be there. Road Rage, W-A-T-P, Boston. Let's get our plane tickets this week. Cool. You and me. Let's do it.

Get tickets at live.dick.show. It's nearly sold out. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be a lot of fun. I hope to see you there. Boston 21st, I think. I tweeted the wrong date. Messed people up.

21st is a Saturday. Look, it says on the site, OK? Go from what the site says. Well, you know about my feelings on Shabbos. You going to show up in full, your full kit? Not showing up. Oh yeah, we'll carry you. You don't even have to work your legs.

Oh, okay, cool. I forgot what I was talking about before the doctor, before the tent, oh! I got that whisper of a hangover. So I could hear for 20 or 30 minutes last night and I was like, this is un-fucking-believable. And my wife, my wife said, I said, oh my God, it's,

my hearing, tonight is completely gone and I whisper it and then she says back, oh really, what are you saying? I shh, don't ruin this, don't ruin the silence for me. Don't, I'm gonna go outside. And I went outside and I sat there, maybe a little eee, but the pain was gone for about 30 minutes. So of course it's back, you know,

obviously it's back, because the worst thing you can have is a little taste of something and it comes back. But! Well the problem, where you fucked up was admitting that you heard nothing for once. I should have kept that to myself. Yep.

Even once you're healed, you can't, you just can't say anything. I need to embrace the Mexican superstition at this point in my life. The science has done me dirty for 45 years. Look man. I'm abandoning science. Just making you some Palo Azul tea would be good. I'm embracing the Jesus Maria Jose. I'm going to put shrines up.

Then get you some candles. I'm going to put shrines up to the Virgin Mary and the Mary. You know? Yeah. After the pump that Christ out, then it's go time. The not so Virgin Mary. Not so Virgin Mary. Yeah.

Bloody Mary. Yeah. Because of Rehaiman. Say that three times fast in the bathroom mirror with the lights off. And you're dick hard. See what happens. Oh! I came all over the place! Oh no! Alright, let's listen to this.

Okay. You give me the sign again. You know. Like we do it. Don't hang me out to dry. Don't hang me out to dry or do it. Yeah! Getting a little louder every week. All right.

It's getting louder every week. Welcome to Dick. You want Dick, you need Dick. You love Dick. The show where everything is a contest. Coming to you live from Mountain Bunker, deep in the city of failure. I'm your host, Dick Masterson. Joining me as always is Johnny the Audio Engineer. What's up, buddy? Hey, what's going on, Dick?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey! Oh, man, 80s girl almost flattened this guy last night when we were driving home from the bar. The Prince. We went to the Prince because we looked up what's the quietest bar in LA. That's funny. Dude, it's like a fucking, every bar has like a Marshall Fullstack just cranking out music now. It's fucked. It's really fucked. Somebody oughta, you know, I almost said make a law against it,

but then I thought make a fire bomb against it. That would be even better. That'd be cooler, yeah. Some sort of serial killer type stalker. Bring back the silent disco, you know? Give everyone a set of headphones. Those were fucking cool. Yeah, cause then everyone's quiet

and you're just in your own world. You can play music as loud as shit. And you can listen to whatever you want. You could put on like Muppets stuff and just still like dance around. Yeah. And go like, these guys don't know that I'm listening to Monomata,

not fucking whatever this shit is. They don't know that I'm doing the Monster Mash right now. This guy riding one of those scoots, those lime scoots. Good on him for getting it all the way up this hill. No, no, no, it was down in Koreatown. Oh, OK. It was down in Koreatown. He was riding his scoot around.

And it was a green light both ways. But you could see him coming the oncoming direction. I don't know if he thought he was going to cut a cop cross traffic or he like was staring at a bum or something, but he started to get the speed wobbles. He gets the speed wobbles and then those things are way too fast, you know? They're fucking fast.

They're crazy fast. So he starts to get the speed wobbles and he goes across like three lanes of traffic And just wipes out sideways totally eats shit Splays out in front of her car, and she's like Like way like right nose to the grill like home alone. You know and the wet bandit stop like that

and we're both just sitting there and to the grill like home alone, you know, and the wet bandit stuff like that. And we're both just sitting there and he's picking himself up. Like he's doing that thing that everyone does where you're like, I didn't crash. That was, we're all looking for that guy that crashed, right? Checking for his wallet and stuff just for no reason. Like, oh yeah, no, I'm a serious businessman. I don't crash my scoot in the middle of the road you know that everyone does it it's like

getting called when you're in taking a nap yeah I don't ever sleep I'm a man right yeah I never need sleep or if I do I sleep in a normal time I sleep when you're sleeping get it straight I sleep when everyone sleeps okay I'm the last one to go to sleep I'm the first one to wake up. You got it complete shit in front of the whole intersection full of people Hey, he looks he looked like a hamster when you take their little igloo off. He goes. Oh like up at us. Oh And we're totally just silent And then he gets he gathers his shit up and his drags his scoot off the street Cuz you forget like it goes in your mind where you're like well, it'd be faster

But I just got to drag it off like I'm not getting on this damn thing Okay, and I'm gonna drag it off and like collect myself. You don't want to risk eating shit on it again Yeah, that's really that's your fear. I'm gonna get up Again cuz then it's like people think you don't know how to ride a scooter. Right, then everyone is laughing at you. Oh. Not that they weren't before, but now everyone's really laughing at you. This damn defective thing?

Fuckin' thing, yeah. So he drags his shit off to the sidewalk, and she goes, and we both just start going, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Right? and she goes and we both just start going AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHH A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A I wanted to get out and ask him. Like, what were you, how did that happen, sir? We went to a, it made up for the Zell world, hell that we're in now. You ever use Zell? I have used Zell. It's dog shit, right? It's the worst way to pay anybody, but the valet would only take cash or his Zell.

Like you got, come on man, this hell doesn't fucking work. How did somebody find all the goddamn Mexicans in LA and teach them that Zell was the way to go? It's the same guy that took parliaments and convinced all black people that that was a cigarette, then got hired by Chase Bank to go tell all Mexicans. Maybe when they cross the border or something, illegally, someone's there to install Zelle on their phone.

And a cash app. And I would kill to see a cash app. Because Zelle is like, retarded. I have to load my bank app, put in their phone number, email, and then read six warnings like as though I'm over 65. Like, by the way, a lot of scams. Yeah, I know. This is one of the fucking scams that you guys are doing. And it's limited to like $2,000 or something. I don't know.

Such a piece of shit app. Of course, it's the one we're going to use. But yeah, Zelle is hell, man. Zell is hell. Live.Dick.Show. Get tickets. It's probably already sold out. Don't even look.

Yeah, if you don't like it, just don't look. Maybe there's one or two tickets left just for you, that I reserved just for you listening. So go check those out. We went to a lactating class, milk class. My wife and I went to a breastfeeding seminar. She's supposed to do it, but did you learn how to do it? Yeah, you're supposed to do it

because they spend like, they spend a, a not, not, not insignificant amount of the, of the lactation Ted talk is spent pre-chastising you for all the work you're not doing and helping you're not doing. Here's the ways the partner can help, you know, make sure it's clean. Don't ask to do the dishes, just do the dishes. And I'm like, you know, I'm,

can I ask to be pissed off about what you just said? Cause I am pissed off. Black woman's teaching the class. I'm like, excuse me. I know you know all about microaggressions, but what you've just done right there, implying that number one, I'm not doing the dishes

or number two, that I'm gonna ask if I could do the dishes is a microaggression to the entire male race. So why don't you check your? privilege for a moment There's like 90s humor I bombed my opening at the lactating class How did you fuck that one up, you know? these fucking seminars, they all do this thing that I hate, and I used to think that everyone hated, but now...

Oh no, did this not go live? Is this going live? I didn't bother checking today. Oh yeah, okay. Great, great, great. Yeah, great. Cool. I used to think that everybody hated doing these things, but at this point in my life, I realized that I'm the fuck up and that everyone probably loves this shit.

Like when you get together in a group setting for instructional purposes, they make you go around and introduce yourself first. How did that go over? I can't imagine. I thought like, she's like, who wants to go first? And I was like, maybe I'll go first, but I don't want to start the,

I don't want to get picked on, right? It's like a drag queen show. They're all doing milk shit here, talking about boobs and stuff. I don't want to get picked on by anyone. So someone else started, this lady, and just, ay, ay, ay, ay, talked on and on about milk and shit.

And then her husband, she goes, oh, how about you to her husband? I'm like, oh, come on, you're not making the husbands do this shit too? Or the baby daddy in that case, whatever. He's like, yeah, you know, I'm just like, I'm here to learn all the things and to be a better partner. I'm like, okay, that's what I probably would have said.

Because what else is there to say? Like, I don't need, I don't know any of this shit, I don't know. It was on the calendar, that's why I'm here. All you gotta do is sit there for an hour or two and just kind of stare blankly anyway. It was getting to me too by the end of the two hour seminar. Because I couldn't say anything or do anything. I just had to like pay attention. And everyone was doing weird stuff that I couldn't like react to because we're all really close

to each other. Like, why is this dude, why is the dude next to me? They're like teaching the moms how to breastfeed and they're walking them through all these positions, you know, football, cross body, football, cross body. And I'm in there giggling like it's church. I even started getting an erection like it's church. This guy next to me, okay, so they're like,

okay, you do put the baby there on the boob and get the, I said, and get a good latch, right? And then you squeeze your boob like a taco like this And the lady's doing it and there's like a video a lady doing it with her real boob and then i'm looking around and The women are kind of like doing it with the dummy with the doll and then I look to my left and this like this like Asian dude that kind of looked like Justin Wang but he's wearing a mask he's doing it he's got like his hand like a taco

and he's like you know when people are like really really trying to pay attention and they're like not like aggressively paying attention like hey hey you see me I'm nodding over here like I know he's that's fuck he's gone like his wife is doing and he's doing it. I'm like why are you practicing it? You're not You're not there First of all, why do you need to practice this? What is this doing that? Just doing it in your mind would add do And secondly, you are not gonna be doing this You're gonna be not doing the dishes. Then you hear about that.

What the hell are you doing this for? So I go. And I'm just sweating because there's no air. I don't know why they didn't turn the air on. And I'm like, just fucking I'm hearing and it's like, this is the first time this is the first thing with people that I've done with no air plugs. It's like fucking babies hitting me in my ear.

When I look over this fucking dude. Meanwhile, okay, so the first thing that happens, the first fucking thing that happens in the milk class is we all go in and you pick, like the seats have the same color pillow. They matched it up. Because you always have to account for the stupidest people in the world, right? So like pick a pair of seats and sit on those.

That's smart because then there there's equal space right? make a wedding So we sit down and I notice I notice that one of the babies is black one of the dolls is black I'm like, okay, you know, did you grab that one? No, I wanted to but I didn't so so then everyone gets in there and one of the couples is black and the black instructor goes So then everyone gets in there, and one of the couples is black, and the black instructor goes, um, uh, where I sat down, it was a Chinese baby. I thought it was white, but it turned out to be a Chinese baby.

So we sit down, and the black instructor goes, oh, uh, before we start, uh, points to the black couple, she goes, do you want a black baby? And the lady goes, uh, well, I don't want people think I'm crazy but yeah sure and so already I'm like oh there's no way I could take two hours of this no so they switch there was a Jewish couple who had the black baby. Shocker. And they switch with them. And my wife leans over to me and she goes,

Our baby's Chinese. I'm like, yeah, what the f- how come we have to- we have to have a Chinese baby then? Even though the other two couples- it was Chinese and white, with a guy being Chinese, Justin Wang, and Chinese and white with a guy being Chinese, Justin Wang, and Chinese and white with the lady being Chinese. Like, well, we can't get, then we have to pick which Chinese gets the Chinese baby. So just leave it, don't worry about it.

So we do, then she goes, let's do introductions. I'm like, oh man, come on. Come on. Please let's not do introductions. Anything like that is the fucking, you just feel like you're in third grade all over again. It's like no one ever wants to introduce themselves. No one has anything interesting to say,

but it's just like such a forced. But people love it. And I'm like the whole time, every time I have to do this, the whole time I'm thinking, don't say Dick, don't say Dick Masterson, don't say Dick Masterson, don't say Dick Masterson, don't say Dick Masterson. I say it, hi. She says, say your name and say something

you wanna get out of this class. I'm like, fuck, that guy took my answer of the I want to learn how to be a better partner. I can't say it now. Looks stupid. Or say something you've heard. I also want to be a better partner and. I too want to be a better partner.

We don't believe you, get out of here. Yeah. So she says, say something that you want to get from this class or like something you heard about breastfeeding. So it gets to me and I say, yeah, hi, you know me, it's me. I heard that sometimes you really got to cram it in there. That's funny.

Which is true, I mean, I did, I have heard that. I couldn't think of anything else that I heard. You didn't hit him with the blind prostitute joke? You really gotta hand it to him? I should have. And I'm soaked in sweat, cause there's no AC. And it was like blank stares like oh, okay like well I Mean I I did hear that Yeah, now whoever makes you look like an asshole for not reacting to it. Yeah the fuck like I'm gonna get to the last guy He's like what about like triple triple feeding like one of our friends like oh come on, dude

What's wrong with you? Why are you, why do you already know that? Why do you have information that you're coming in here with? He just, he was like a super senior, you know? He's trying to show off. That's what he's doing. Ah, and then during the,

during her presentation, she was going over some stuff. She showed this graph and I had a fucking salvia time stop moment, she's like, this is what it looks like for the first two weeks. And it was at graph of the day, 24 hours for two weeks. And it was somebody's like schedule that they had kept on their phone.

It was like every two hours. And I'm like, wait a minute. You gotta be up every two hours for the first two weeks or six weeks or whatever. Oh no, that's gonna be a big problem. Oh, why didn't I think of that? Why didn't I remember that? So she gets to at some point after that,

after the shock of that wore off, she goes, you know, you gotta give them like whatever, 10 milliliters a day or something like that. And she goes, no, I know what you're thinking. And I said, fucking bullshit. That's the laziest speech giving trick in the book. I know what you're thinking, you know? Fucking bullshit.

I know what you're thinking. How do I measure when it's been 10 milliliters? And I said, fuck, that is what and I said fuck that is what I was thinking That is what I was thinking she goes well, that's the wrong way to look at it. I'm like, oh no, I Did happen to me? Fell for the old for the oldest trick in the book. I know what you're thinking She walked you right into it walked me right into it That was it.

So we fed our little Chinese baby. Did you feed it one of the other babies? Yeah, we did. I thought, are we gonna, is anybody gonna take their boobs out in this class? I mean, come on. Not on the TV. I see come on. Not on the TV. I see that you got it on the TV.

You could have had a hotter model than this, but. For educational purposes, man. Yeah. We went out, we went to dinner with one of my wife's friends. I was like, okay, well, and I took out my phone and we got there and I saw a worst, this is the worst thing I could ever see in my life. Battery 1%.

I said, oh no. Oh no. I need to go wait in the car for like 20 minutes. I can't go in yet. I need to wait in the car. Is that okay? Yeah, what are you gonna do with a dead phone? Oh man.

Pfft. I, you know, I've still pulled out a dead phone and pretended to scroll. I pulled it out a couple times. I've just done that. Okay, let's... oh yeah. I feel like, wait, your phone isn't even on. I'm like, I know.

Yeah, I just gotta... I just gotta... I just gotta play with it. I need the satisfaction of knowing I could be scrolling. I'm pre-charging some scrolls on the phone, you know? So when I open it up, it goes fucking haywire. Yeah. Like an old computer when you push too many buttons all at once and then it all comes out.

I'm loading in everything I want to do. Going on Twitter, going on Reddit, going on Discord, scroll scroll scroll. Shortcut. Going on emails, boom boom. So when it comes to live, I'm gonna go like, oh, ah, ah. Yeah, exactly. Let me pull up my notes. Like I said, that'll be a fun two weeks, waking up every two minutes. Yeah, that's cool.

Sounds fun, right? That's cool. This motherfucker, this baby is, he's in there like squished, man. That's crazy. I don't even like thinking about it. The first couple of ultrasound pictures, he's just like, relax.

He's got his arms behind his head, kicking his feet out, floating around. The first one, he's like a little insect, you know? Just like cruising, like asteroids. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, right? That is cool, yeah. Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew pew And then the ones the ones after that he's like looking like a baby, but he's like all stretched out. Ah this last one this guy's like

Fucking squished the they take these 4d pictures like it looks like a like a 3d Yeah, I call it 4d though, you know, I don't know why. It's a chest, not checkers. Yeah, he's like fucking squished in there, moving around. I'm like, what the fuck? So you're just like squished for months, not breathing? What do you mean, like just, not doing any breathing? Just chilling. just chilling what the fuck is this like what is this thing? How the fuck are you not freaking out? How does that not do?

Psychological damage being squished in there. Well, that's what your whole life is is trying to get over that Kind of seems like it. Mm-hmm. I don't like thinking about it Even I'm touching it. He's like, oh, I'm like, yeah, I would be fucking going like this too. Fuck that. Squished up. You could have a real bruiser on your hands, man. Ugh. I don't understand.

How does it deal, how do you deal with that? Not breathing? Yeah. Being squished. What the fuck? You just, when you don't have- You gotta get this guy out of here, get him in like an aquarium or something, you know?

It's like squished in there. Right, no, when you can't think or express things, it almost doesn't matter, right? Because you can't be like, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm squished in here. You're just kind of like- I would think it's uncomfortable. I would imagine so.

For the baby. Can't we get some like scaffolding in there or something and make some room? You got to, it's like a RPG, right? You got to upgrade. I got to upgrade this motherfucker's room. Cost you $5,000. He's in there fucking squished, man.

I don't want to be squished like that. Fucking moving around like that. Not breathing? The not breathing thing I don't get either. Like... That's the craziest part. Come on. He's not even breathing in there. Just sitting there. Getting squished. Well, stupid. Yeah, what a dumb asshole that baby is. Yeah, it is dumb. Just staying in there? Get out of there, man. You already look like a baby, just get out. Yeah, you already look like a baby.

I got this air purifier, because I went psycho when my hearing got bad. And just started believing every possible thing that could be, oh, air purifier, probably the air purifier. I need pure air, I need maximum air in my air.

I got too many of these fucking contaminants around me. Like Howard Hughes. You gotta piss in glass jugs. I gotta drink my own piss. Let me just refrigerate this piss and then I'll drink it out of there. You gotta drink your nephew's piss. Who does that?

Haven't you seen that episode of Nathan For You? Where he's talking to the shopkeeper, there's a gas station owner guy. And he's like talking to the shopkeeper? There's a gas station over guy Yeah, yeah, you find a little kid you just drink his piss and he's like what the fuck like yeah the gas station guy Yeah, that's a good one. That is a good one I got a bunch of air purifiers. I got a normal one and a bedroom one. And I assumed that the bedroom one would be very quiet.

Ah. Because the upstairs, the big one, is extremely quiet. It's got a quiet mode. The bedroom one is a sound machine. The bedroom one is a fucking sound. I put it on this mid... I fired it up and it's like, zzzz, I'm like, okay. Why does it have that setting?

Whatever. So I press the nighttime mode and it goes zzzz. You got a fucking Dyson Airblade in your room now. What the fuck is it? Yeah, I got like a HVAC, industrial HVAC unit in here. Hey, you gotta install it on the roof and then pipe it in somehow. Put some pipes in.

So I try sleeping through it, I'm like, I can't do this. This piece of shit is broken. My wife says, well, did you read the instructions? I think I know. Hello, McFly, I think I know how to plug in an air purifying machine. Was there a fucking bag over the filter or something? So I hear rustling, right? She looks at the instructions, she goes, uh-huh.

Did you take the bag off the filter? And I said, yeah. So I make a mental note, like, alright. Wait, does she just leave it in the bag? So I go downstairs, like normal, you know, for some reason, and I went over to the air purifier a little bit later. Very, like, Mission Impossible. I'm taking the cover off. Click right click

and it's like filter, so I Really carefully Take the filter off and I hear What are you doing? Damn So I was putting this bag on this thing to send it back because it's broken. I was putting the bag back on the filter. That's why it's broken. I was putting the bag back on the filter.

That's why it's done so neatly. Yeah, so it's neat when I return it for being too loud. I just ripped it right here trying to, you know, trying to keep it back on. Oh, I just ripped it. Now I have to keep it. And it's fine without the bag, of course, obviously. Okay, let's see what we got here.

South Park banned a bunch of episodes. You know what? it's like air freshener like car air fresheners too do you know how to use those? You take the bag out a little bit right? Yes. Not the whole way. Not the whole way. Everyone just rips it and then there's like yeah and then there's like wait it doesn't smell the day. Yeah yeah this is pretty paramountount's removing a bunch of South Park episodes. Have you seen the new Nathan Fielder thing? No.

With the airline stuff, the rehearsal too? I've heard about it. It's so funny. I gotta watch it. He has this bit where Paramount in Germany removed one of his episodes for glorifying Nazism. Awesome. I mean, he's Jewish, so obviously. So yeah.

Obviously that's hate speech. But they got, Paramount has some kind of stick up their ass about, I guess like controversial content, even though this is, this shit is, this is South Park like 30 years old? Yeah. This would be like banning an episode of the,

All in the Family, like, isn't this a little like, isn't this grandfathered in? It's a little late at this point. At some point? Yeah. Yeah, the people this radicalized are, are nearing retirement age, so maybe don't worry about it. When South Park arrives on Paramount Plus in the US, the following episodes will be banned.

Big Gay Al's boat ride, Terrence and Philip not without my anus, the Pip great expectations, super best friends, Jared's has AIDS, Simpson's, isn't this crazy? If this is true, this is crazy, man. Jupe a Cabra, Ginger Cow, the one where they go to Israel. Oh yeah, that's right. And do the fake RedHit and Cow.

Uh, man they're just gonna, honestly, they're just gonna go after our entertainment until we're dead. Like every other generation will have all their stuff totally unfucked with. The Zoomers with their drum and bass shit and like, TikTok is just like flat out and like Holocaust denial channels. They won't even touch it. But it's just us.

Gen X, Millennial Entertainment will be censored and banned until we're dead. And the last one of us that dies, they will ban like the most normal like episode of South, the last remaining episode of South Park, the Tauley episode will get banned on that day. Like, good, we finally erased you guys from history. Well, I think the worst part too is it's gonna be everyone who goes, that's why you need physical media. Oh, I know I hate those guys Like yeah, we get it

But I don't want a bunch of DVDs in my house So I don't either Just download it then much as I love the idea. Yeah, just download it download everything Just stop buying this shit until they make it right. Mm-hmm. There's got to be something. Any plan that is effectively quit and go be a hermit is not a plan that I can get behind.

Like, we'll just get physical media. Yeah, but then it's just kind of like quitting and going home and giving up. Like, yeah, all right, okay, have your physical media, but like, do you see that this is a problem at all? Like, do you see this as a problem at all? That 20, 30 years of culture got erased from history effectively?

And we're gonna be known as like the hateful generation just because all of our stuff got banned. And they'll be like, well, we had to ban it for, you know, that's why all those trucks were running over parades. Too much South Park. Sucks. Every single one sucks more than the last. Oh, Maddox is making the rounds again.

Let's see what Maddox is doing. What'd he do this time? He's getting a lot of attention lately. It's not unlike, it's not unlike what he would do when he first got popular, but I don't know, something's different about it. Just because everyone can go viral all the time now, it's not unique at all.

Going viral in the 90s took a lot of work, but now it's just normal. Every day it happens. You could still be spending viral money from the 90s. Yeah. Yeah, here we go. This is what Maddox had to say about the WNBA. What is this guy? Howling Mutant?

Oops. There we go. These are all... all the people involved in this are shitheads. This is Brittany Griner. I guess that WNBA player that we traded the Lord of War for, which was awesome. Sucks that we got to take her back, but it's awesome that the Lord of War gets to go free,

simply for exercising his second amendment right to buy and sell firearms. Surely that wouldn't embolden him further. Brittany Greiner, and now this is Riley Gaines commenting on this, another female athlete. I mean, just the fact that like all of this retarded culture war shit, that the battle is taking place on the field of women's sports and specifically the WNBA shows you how pointless

and retarded it is. Like, what is the thing you're talking about? Oh yeah, culture war? Yeah, that sounds that sounds pretty important Where is this? Where's this taking place? Oh kids movies and the WNBA. Oh, it must not be important at all then Yeah, yeah, cuz nothing nothing important would ever happen At the WNBA nothing and especially kids movies, especially kids movies. Nothing is nothing important is happening on kids movies. Especially kids movies. Nothing important is happening on kids movies over the WNBA. Britney Griner appears to call Caitlin Clark trash and a fucking white girl after fouling out last night.

Just a reminder, this is who we traded for the Russian merchant of death. Yeah, bitch, he's based and cool. Buying and selling guns. What the fuck do you know? Nothing. Now imagine if Clark had said the inverse. Yeah, the N-word. Wow, wow. Oh man, imagine!

Can you imagine if they did the same thing to us that we did to them? Whoa! Maddox says, look at this woman using her first amendment rights. She should be in a Russian gulag. Yeah, that's not really what she's saying, but. And then this guy, Howling Mutant, tweeted that.

And... It's got... I don't know, he's a bit... Oh yeah, here we go. Maddox is crying in the comments. How does defending free speech make someone a whiny liberal pussy, you dumb bitch? We've all heard about the alt-right pipeline, but what really needs to be discussed is the edgelord whiney liberal pussy pipeline How does defending free speech make someone a whiney liberal pussy? Maddox the fucking defender of free speech across the land Where would we be without Maddox's full-throated defense of free speech? Oh man if there were if there was ever a guy

more principled on free speech and the defense of it than Maddox, I wouldn't believe you, I'd have to meet him. Cause you're describing some sort of a perfect man. Right. And I'll, nobody ever stop, Maddox never stomps on speech, free speech. Who exactly are you talking about, limiting our freedom of speech?

The bastion of truth and knowledge over here. Not only was what you said gay, but it doesn't seem to apply. That's what the original tweet I was responding to is suggesting, you fucking idiot! I did not remotely suggest that. What do you think this meant? Moosknuckles. Moos-knuckles. Moos-knuckles? Isn't a moos-knuckle when like your penis is pressed against your...

shorts? Yeah. And balls? Multiple moos-knuckles, holy shit. Wow, a bunch of guys in hot pants. Getting together. I don't know, it's funny. Maddox is uh... He's getting some cuts in. He's getting out there.

He's getting recognized at least for his ideas. It's getting hated on, but he's getting recognized. It's all he ever wanted was recognition. He's the same fucking guy, man. How do you go 30 years and just not change at all? Dude, I've met people like that. I know a guy who still wears the same Dickies outfit, to the point where it was all black at one point

and it's turned that weird brownish-purple. Yeah. I'm like, dude, you're not Steve Jobs. I know that color of Dickies, the brownish-purple one. When it's like, dude, you're not... I know that color of Dickies. The brownish purple one. When it's like, dude, let it go. I get it was the last quadruple XL at the earthquake store. I guess it's just gonna be that till he's dead. Like this Mickey Rooney routine

where he's straw manning retarded arguments. He's gonna be 80 wearing comic book shit. Oh God. Oh, God. Yeah, nursing homes are gonna have Contra. Guys in nursing homes are gonna have posters of fucking Contra and the X-Mans. That's such a fucking bleak thought. Guys with no dicks are gonna be asking their...

asking their orderly a thousand times a day where their dick is. Man. And why they have tits. The future's gonna be crazy, man. It's just gonna be rough. Hopefully we'll all be dead, but the future's gonna be rough. We could only be so lucky.

Oh man, you do not wanna get stuck in a home in the future. I'll tell you that. It's not gonna be one of these nice homes like today where it's just some angry black guy beating the shit out of you or raping you. It's going to be much worse, much worse in the future. You can take a computer literacy course where you play solitaire all day.

Play solitaire. You know how to save and load documents with Microsoft. Play Ski Man, that ski game. Ski Free is fucking stressful. I hate that game so much Orderly is gonna come around dressed like that snowman man chase you around the building have a fucking heart attack It's all fun and games and then that asshole comes out and immediately that game's like you know what this is a game for babies It's broken. It sucks. You know what I was actually playing blindfolded the whole time anyway. It's fine. It's gonna be...

It's gonna be 80-year-olds with broccoli haircuts... talking to AIs... talking to AIs of their kids all day. Asking a chat GP if they're cooked all day. Yeah, have they hooked up chat GPT for old people? Just like plug your kids' text messages into it and then let it go to town. They don't know the difference. They definitely don't know the difference

because they're all liking that like retarded looking AI slop on Facebook all day. Like a man in a uniform saluting his wife in a uniform. Or like the kids carving sculptures out of stuff Yeah, look at this kid like carved a like a Buddha out of a telephone and it's like perfect. It's like, okay Wow, look at how amazing this kid is. Oh, wow If only kids would put down their devices, they're capable of this. Yeah, and it's 50 50 million likes Yeah, what are we- 50 million likes.

Yeah, what are we doing trying to actually be entertaining? I know. It's gonna be replaced very soon. Oh, let's see, here's... Oh, this is, man. This is making me a rage this week. That pisses you off? This pisses me off. This is Elon Musk talking about his departure from Doge.

Elon says, I've come to the perhaps obvious conclusion that accelerating GDP growth is essential. Oh, really? Doge has and will do great work to postpone the day of bankruptcy of America, but the profligacy of government means that only radical improvements in productivity radical improvements in productivity can save our country. So you're telling me that a couple months of like cute memes and four college students playing with machine learning on government databases, you're telling me that that didn't stop trillions of dollars in looting and theft and fraud from the federal government. That's all you that's all you are willing to do is make as higher your precious Indians to make a bunch of retarded dough shit and let some college kids play with computers for a little bit.

That was all you were prepared to do? You didn't think, you didn't think for a second, none of these guys, Elon, the FBI guys, Cash Patel, Dan Boingo, none of you guys thought this would be more difficult than tweeting? You're talking about killing thousands, tens of thousands, maybe millions of people, but definitely ending their way of life, which was collecting money for free. And you didn't think you'd have to get dirty to do this? You thought you could just walk in and let a computer program change the world for you? This is so, this is so limp-wristed and small-dicked that I resent that I'm angry for getting my hopes up about this at all that it was

gonna be an Elon Ron Paul team up and that they were going to actually do something about the spending and eliminate it. But this is like a total but one fire one dealer one Tesla dealership gets firebombed and it's just a total puss out a total abandonment of lack of lack of backbone resolve total abandonment of any sort of total abandonment of lack of backbone resolve, total abandonment of any sort, a total abandonment of principles. Hey, we gotta stop this or we're gonna go bankrupt and everybody's fucked.

Everybody's fucked, but especially the only valuable people, which are the middle class. The poor are not valuable at all. The rich are not valuable at all. It's just the middle class that's valuable. The rich are just compounding wealth that they earn, sure, but they're not valuable. The point is that people in the middle class that's valuable. The rich are just compounding wealth that they earn, sure, but they're not they're not valuable. The point is that people in the middle are

trying constantly to become rich and one of them eventually will. So you don't really need the ones that already did it because they're probably not going to do it again. It's the middle guys that are important because they need to escape the middle class prison that they're in where everything drains down to to them, accountability drains down to them, suffering drains down to them. You're telling me that all that went away because a Tesla dealership got firebombed or people are mean to you online? That was it? That's it? You got Cash Patel and Dan Boingo sitting in the easiest softball interview of their lives glancing at each other furtively like a husband and wife, getting

accused for some shit that they obviously did? Oh, I've seen a lot of stuff in Epstein, he definitely killed himself. Bro, just like, you have to know that that's not an acceptable answer, release everything! Where is everything? Where is it? It's pathetic. It's pathetic that all these guys, everybody, people went to jail to try. People went to jail because they thought it might help change anything.

And the people who got put in the position to do anything about it are pussies They're going to sporting events, they're doing photo shoots, they're sweating and babbling Apologetically in an interview they set up It's disappointing the era the era of the supervillain is nigh. Soon, not this time unfortunately, soon a supervillain will be running the show. It's coming. It's coming. And it's either going to be Barbecue from Haiti or it's going to be Patrick Bateman. And I wanted Patrick Bateman, cause at least he's kind of on my side.

I don't want barbecue as the super villain president. I want an American psycho, you know? Just if one of these guys could for once find their vagina, take it off, leave it at home with the wife and kids, and just come in and start killing people, metaphorically or literally. It would just be great if we could get one fucking guy, if one guy would be given the chance and he would just grab it and rip it off.

Grab the string, pull it and rip it off, but it string, pull it, and rip it off. But it's this. Oh, it's pussies, pussies, pussies, photoshoots, apologies. Well, you know, nothing ever happens can only happen for so many times before finally something does happen. Oh man, it's been happening for years.

It's just been happening against us. It's been... I'd love it if just been happening against us. It's been... I'd love it if nothing happened. I would love it if nothing happened, finally. But, unfortunately, something's always happening. Things are... things are fucking happening, man. Can I get an MRI? No, we've got about 50... we've got about... Oh... about 400...

80-year-old Mexicans in line before you. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's gonna be about 10 months. It'll be about 10 months, oh. By the time you get in, you'll look like one of them. How come we don't have more people to work the MRIs? Oh, we just decided not to make any. So they became hedge fund managers and lawyers. Those guys that would have been doctors, They became hedge fund managers and lawyers.

Those guys that would have been doctors, they became hedge fund managers and venture capitalists. Oh, what about the ones who would have been lawyers, hedge fund managers and venture capitalists? Oh, they became like marketers. Oh, what happened to the guys who are marketers? They're unemployed. Oh, wow. Awesome.

Yeah. You guys really fucked us. It's all fucked What is this? Engineer late. Oh, yeah. Yeah speaking of fucked Yeah, oh this is funny Harvard. I'll do the the Hitler choir You see these guys I did see these guys a choir performs

Heil Hitler at Diddy's star at Diddy's star It's Diddy like Hitler too. I don't know is he just like the song maybe I don't know. Is he just like the song? Maybe. I don't know. Let's see. Looks pretty cool. Oh, I'm sure I can't play that. I can go through and crop that out. It's all the black guys from the video circled around the Diddy star like this.

I think it would have been funny if Kanye got a few white guys, a couple Chinese guys. In blackface? Oh, I didn't even think about it. I was just thinking as they were, but that's even funnier. Yeah. Uh, and he's sucking his cousin's dick in the middle. You know? That's an art project. That's an art project.

That is a fucking art piece. Because this is a little aggressive. Yeah. But if there was a guy dressed like Ganyu, Yeah. sucking his cousin's dick in the middle, now that would be something. That would be, you know, call all the art galleries, get them down here. Tell KCRW they got a story, you know?

I'm fixing that Is it blown over now is the is the Hitler stuff over I Mean I guess so because he said he facetimed with his kids or something and he was over it. Oh he did mm-hmm That's nice. That's even funnier No, I'm good guys. It's fine Okay, I'm to read some comments here. He doesn't let anything stick to him, man. He's like, oh, you're still blaming me for that?

I'm already like. I'm creating something totally different now. Wait till you see this next thing you're going to hate me for. You're going to love it. I hope he's around for a while. I hope so too. I want to see him get very old. Yeah, he gets funnier.

The older, the George Bush doesn't care about black people. That was the first funny thing. Yeah, that was good. That was one of the funniest things that year. Woke a lot of people up that year. But now this, great stuff. 82 IQ, hey, Dick, the new way you say yeah for the intro is much funnier than before, so I don't mind that it's less exciting. Oh, well that's great. Thank you. Petty says the Chinese believe...

What do they believe? Hang on. Survey says... Yeah. God, I laughed so hard. Tinkering, taking apart electronics and messing with them in the hopes of reselling them. Oh! That should have, it was there in front of me the whole time! It was right there! It was right there and I know that!

It was right there! Eight nights out of ten I would go be putting posters up. Every time. Someone sitting on an upside down bucket, someone sitting on a right side of milk crate or something. Yeah. Taking apart a flat screen TV with not a power cord attached to it sitting on an upside-down bucket, someone sitting on a right-side-up milk crate or something, taking part of flat-screen TV with not a power cord attached to it

or any power source in sight, splitting it in half, bending the circuitry, and it's just like, who the fuck do you think is gonna buy this? The Chinese believe that animals should be cooked or eaten while alive in order to preserve freshness. So I don't think a blood clinic next to the Chinese market would be unappetizing to them.

Oh yeah, for my blood test. Which turned out negative as well. Of course. Why would it have shown anything? Yeah. I'm perfectly healthy. Of course. I hope it's the TMJ. It better be. I don't know man that 30 minutes last night I was like uh. Again next time you get that sense of peace just be like man this pain is really fucking getting to

me I think I need to just go sit outside. I'm gonna kill myself. Yeah. Because it's so bad. I'm gonna go do it. I'm gonna go on the roof for a bit. You know what, that occurred to me too. When it was happening and I started to feel happy, I was like, don't feel happy.

That's gonna jinx it. Maybe it's because of happiness that your ears are doing this. You should be a little more enraged. Yeah. this you should be a little more enraged yeah Mike Capulet says hear me out the Boston copslide is a must-visit okay let's see what that is oh you don't remember the Boston copslide uh-uh this fat asshole goes down this slide for whatever reason gets launched out of it

really yeah you haven't seen this video It's amazing. Why is it a cop slide? Because it's a cop who went down it and fucking hate shit Good okay this says Boston residents complained about a dangerous playground slide But a cop decided to prove that it's safe And it's like a playground slide but it's huge. Because the slide instead of stopping at the bottom of the jungle gym goes to the ground and then that has like a 10 or 12 foot slide ramp.

That wouldn't have been able to get built in roller coaster tycoon. Those angles are way too fucked. Yeah, just watch. Yeah, okay here he goes. Oh my god! Was that his gun? I think so. His fuckin' pepper spray comes flying out? Oh my goodness! This guy really eats shit! Why does he come out upside down?

What the fuck? This slide is fucked! It's still open? I think so, yeah. If it's there, we gotta go down it. Death by slide. Death by slide death by slide man look at this shit Look at this impact watch this wham Bounces up dead cop bounce boom Boom yeah, that probably knocked the wind out of them

boom And oh my god there is is teeth are catching on the playground That's that bouncy epox that that yeah that like fake gravelly shit, but it's all like the rubber bits Yeah, it's like one piece of rubber somehow. Yeah. Oh There's his pepper spray got some rug burn on the way out. Oh He's wearing that. I'm an idiot vest. Hey everyone. Look at me Look at me? I can't go down a fucking pit. Oh! Yeah, okay.

What an idiot. That looks fun. Yeah, so I guess we're going down the cop sliding, boss. Can we dress up like cops? I think only if you have the vest on will it launch you out. We went to this stupid winter wonderland in Chicago. And there was like an ice block slide.

God. And we were just drunk enough, me and our friend that we went with did it. I knew it was a bad idea. It was like, oh, it'll be funny, right? It was one of those, I was like, oh, at least it'll be entertaining. But it was, it's going to hurt, but it it's gonna be entertaining at least for people and for me.

I thought I calculated that ratio correctly, but I didn't. It turned out I had the numbers a little wonky in my math and my drunken math and I heard a lot more than it was funny and entertaining. It's all on video. We hit this ice block slide and For some reason it's not that there's no there's no like slope. There's there's no like There's no like what I don't know what that is a great like it's where it's The slope changes and flattens out it just goes at 45 degrees into the ground and that's flat. There's like some just like hockey rink rubber at the bottom I hit I fly up my fucking hair flies up like and then it's flat, there's like some, just like hockey rink rubber at the bottom. I hit, I fly up, my fucking hair flies up,

like the young Frankenstein, or the young Einstein cover. Oh God. Did the ice just blow off into a million pieces? Yeah, it was like not. That's gotta be the best. I don't know what the plan was, but it's not safe, It was not safe at all. Dude, it's like those metal corrugated slides

with a potato sack you sit in. Yes. Man, grab a couple beers, go to the LA County Fair and just watch all those fat bitches go down there. Oh my God. Okay, yeah, thanks Mike. Come to Boston everybody. I asked Sean, he said he couldn't want, he couldn't go, so.

He was afraid of having to go on the slide. Yeah. He didn't want to go on it. He's too rusty now. He can't do it. We gotta get him in the game. His zings are gone, his zest for zings are gone. But Johnny will be there, come on out, say hello.

Only hello though, any further than that and you have to go down the slide. Triangular morning says the deck saga is the best thing since Vito's latest meltdown. Yeah. Welcome to the deck show. The guys the guys who installed my solar panels. How the fuck did that go? There was like this, the neighbor had this

Bogan Via plant beside the house. And they said, well, we need to switch out the electrical box, so what about this Bogan Via? And I said, well, you can trim it, you can trim it, right? Obviously you can trim it. So I walk the dog and I come back and these Russian motherfuckers

Have their van in my driveway With a rope tied around the van and tied around the Bogan Via bush Which is like the size it's like the size of a VW bus like it's the the bush is big and it's covered in thorns, right? Yeah, huge and I come back. I'm walking the dog and I see them One guy's driving it revving the engine and the other guy is on the side going one two three go I like the fucking count like the fucking Sesame Street count and I I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, one, two, three, go, and this guy fucking jams on the gas, and it's like tires peeling out in the driveway, lurches forward, tie it around,

and I'm like, what the fuck are you guys doing? I said you could trim it, and he goes, yeah, we trim. I said, what do you mean? That's not a trim. You chop the whole goddamn thing down. What the fuck are you doing? That's not even my- that's not my bush. And he goes, well, it would take forever to trim his old thorns. I'm like, I don't give a fuck! So call a fucking bush guy!

You couldn't wait ten minutes for me to get back? How the fuck did you rig this up? How did you get- he goes, I said, okay, don't pull it out. Just trim it. He goes, we already cut it. Like, what do you mean you already cut it? He goes, we cut the- we cut the we cut the we trimmed it Andre where did you trim it and he goes right here? Tire trunk off

And I'm like dude Your name is probably fucking hate you so bad fucking so Cuz I wouldn't give a fuck if somebody cut down my tree but Like when you're 70 or whatever somebody fucks with your tree and you're like, well, it's never gonna go back I'll die without that tree now. Like it's a totally different My god that That's gotta be one of the funniest fucking things. Go look at it when you leave.

I'm gonna knock on your neighbor's door and be like, Hey did you use to have a nice beautiful fucking be-ing? I mean the worst part is I hate the plant because it's full of fucking thorns. Yeah, no it's a shitty. And it's always growing onto my shit. Oh my god, dude. So right then when I'm yelling at him So I'm like, all right, man, well and he goes no No, I can't trim it because I'd have to reach in I can't trim because I have to reach in pull out It's full of thorns. I'm like

Okay, why'd you ask then? Why did you ask at all? So I said alright man, so just go just do it one two three They yanked it they yanked it out, and it's like it sounds like a dinosaur You know going through the jungle with all Getting ripped out And I'm like you got to be fucking kidding me man, I'm like, okay, so uh Right then neighbor drives up Dude I'm so sorry

I thought he was pissed, dude. He's pissed. He's like, you know, it's, he's like, you know, it's cause they're Armenian. And I'm like, Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. I can work with this. Yeah. No, you're right.

It is cause they're Armenian. How did you know? It's cause it's their race. Um, so I smooth that out. You know, it's one thing after a fucking other. What a... So then I go back. This is from walking your dog.

This is from me walking my dog. This is me taking my eyes off the ball for 10 minutes. This shit happens. So I go back to my driveway and I see them getting all their tools and shit and going back to work on the electricity stuff and I'm like, well, hey, what about this tree? Did you just fucking left it there? And he goes, call the city. They'll come pick it up.

And I said, bro, bro, bro. There is no chance that the city is going to come pick up a tree. You ripped out of the fucking ground and put in the driveway. And he goes, yeah, call the city. I do all the time. Like to do it right now, motherfucker. He did it today. How many times did you have you pulled this little stunt off?

Unbelievable. It's like a fucking joke town up here, man. So I call the city and I say, yeah, a tree fell down. And I say, yeah tree fell down. The tree was felled. The tree fell down cause of the storm or whatever. Can you guys come shred it? I know you have a shredder. I know that you have a tree shredder and when trees fall down or tree branches fall down you send some guys out and they stick it in the tree shredding thing like Fargo

and it shreds up and they take care of it. I know that these guys, I know that you're paying them right now and that they exist. So just send them to my house where a tree fell down somehow. He goes, is it on the road? And I said, kind of like maybe if I move it, it would be on the road. He goes, well, would be on the road oh you guys will sit on the road I said yeah it's on a sidewalk too not there's no sidewalk it's it's

exactly where I had my yard trimmings in the street and the garbage people refused to pick them up because they weren't on the sidewalk. And I said, I don't have a sidewalk. I just put them like touching the asphalt of the street. And he said, we won't pick them up because they're on the sidewalk. They have to be at the front of your house. I'm like, I don't have a fuck.

There's no fucking sidewalk on my side of the street. So I called the tree people and the guy says yeah sure I'll mark it as an emergency. And I thought that motherfucker was right. All right. Okay, it's an emergency. Yeah get somebody over here pronto. I know you are I know that you have these guys at your disposal send one of them over. So it's Friday nobody shows up okay, whatever. Send one of them over. So it's Friday, nobody shows up. Okay, whatever.

Just wait for Monday. It's Monday, nobody shows up. Okay, whatever. I got other things to worry about. I'm going to doctors every day to try to get my ears fixed, you know? Having a fucking existential crisis every 20 minutes. A week passes.

I think this week passes too and on Thursday I'm like, all right, that's enough with this dead, I got a dead bush the size of a van that's covered in thorns in the driveway. Where the fuck are these guys? So I call them up and they say, oh, you, we got to connect you to, the guy says, I see it right here, emergency. That's your address. It's weird. Usually these guys are right out there. So he goes, let me connect you to them. All right.

Connects me to them. Some other woman, she's like, oh yeah, that's like forest management. I'll connect you to them. What forest management? What the fuck? Yeah. So I call them, nobody answers, call them,

nobody answers, leave a message. They call me back and then they say, oh yeah. Well, what happens is, you know, sometimes, sometimes they just decide it's the owner's problem. And I said, well, would they tell me? And he goes, no. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

So I get pissed. I go out there and start chopping it up. Yeah. With scissors, right? out there and start chopping it up. Yeah. With scissors, right? I almost brought this guy out. This chainsaw that somebody sent me? Oh yeah.

I'm out there chopping with scissors. I'm out there chopping with scissors. Angrily, right? Scratching my fucking arms. I know everyone's pissed at me because I always have the dirtiest, I always have fucked up things outside my house, like a coffin or whatever and people in this neighborhood have like little cubbies for their trash cans and I don't Like so you can't see their fucking trash cans

Well, I don't fucking you guys actually built that stupid thing on my side of the line So I don't have any fucking room to make a little trash can home And the line so I don't have any fucking room to make a little trash can home. And the scissors aren't working so I think I'm just gonna go get the chainsaw. I'm gonna go get the chainsaw and I had this amazing moment where I go, you know what? This Mexican appeared and I said, you, get over here. How much to get rid of this? He's like, oh, I don't know. $80. Like, you know what, you sold, fine.

I'll make the solar company, people pay for it, which I know is not gonna happen, but that's what I tell myself. He goes, not today, tomorrow. So I said, okay, tomorrow. Tomorrow rolls around. No Mexican. God damn it.

Next day, uh, like seven in the morning, knock knock knock. Oh no, he came at like, he came at almost darkness, almost dark. He's like, yeah, hey, I'm here for the thing. Okay, okay, go for it. It took him like ten minutes, pissed me off so much. Okay. Um, okay. What was Johnny's plug, the almighty op? That's what he says. It's just a community service disguised as a puppet show,

you know, go check it out. You know, go check out great shows like Cooking with Kay, Formed in Foam. Formed in Foam? Formed in Foam, man. What's that? It's where, it's this hot new game show, right? Cooking with Kay, formed in foam. Formed in foam? Formed in foam, man. What's that? It's where, it's this hot new game show, right?

Where two puppets do some fantastic foam forming. Okay. And they paint them. And they paint them. They paint them. Puppets. But you, the viewer, have a chance to buy the art created from the clip.

Okay. Can I see it? Yeah. Foamed in form? Foamed in... Formed in foam? Formed in foam, yeah. Uh...

Formed in foam. Hopefully it shows up on YouTube. Almighty Op? Yeah. Almighty Op. Is this it? There it is. Oh yeah, there's episode two even.

Okay. Hey, I'm Francis and welcome to another episode of... Foam and Foam! Today we have two expert foam formers who are going to show off their skills using a material that's not only harmful to them, but horrible for our environment. I started school and then found out through an accident at work It's given me a reason to keep living my life Soon even showed up here today with a fake humble pastry And the only thing she's gonna form today are excuses Cause I'm gonna bury it right where she sits

Stiff competition, the only question remains Who's gonna walk away with a $10,000 rising year's fly Bumper as fresh rise the tank Is this like a the British baking show but the puppets are the characters? Yes. Competing. Okay. The puppets are the ones throwing the ones. They're the ones throwing the show. The puppets are making the show. Like Kermit.

Yes. Yeah, okay. I got it. I'm really not happy with the form of my film, but I'm gonna have to move on to some details. That's amazing. See, like any great artist, she knows when to move on to the next step. I have some of that shit. I wonder how I'm gonna spend my prize money.

You can form some foam too. Yeah, I could make a little foam gun. See, I think the rattler did a good job, man. I think the rattler wins this one, but... Oh, sissy, okay. Looks like a little frog. Yeah, she did all right, man. The rattler, wow. That's cool.

The rattler really, he was out for a fight. The rattler nailed it. You decide in the comments below who will be the next formed in foam champion. Dude, your almighty option is so funny. Well, so you got the, you got a chance to see the live show. And so a lot of these guys are familiar faces from the corner show Which may or may not be happening again at some point really who knows and be awesome who's to say I hope it happens Yeah, you know three hours of shit like this

Eating hot dogs off the floor you name it. It's great But check it out. It will change your life. Yeah mailer There's a there's a Peewee Herman documentary. I saw that. Did you see it? Well, I saw that it exists. I didn't watch it yet. Is it good?

Yeah, it's good. It's just fun. And he has an insane amount of old video and pictures from when he was younger. Like, he was in, he went to art school with David Hasselhoff. That's right. So there's like old video of him and David Hasselhoff performing theater shit.

Such a fucking. And they have Elvira as like an interview person. And she's still fucking hot. And she's a redhead. I was like, what the hell? Damn. Yeah, then that's, I haven't finished it yet, but. I was like what the hell? Damn. Yeah then that's I haven't finished it yet but I'm gonna have to watch that. It's fun. It's sad but yeah I mean as you know spoiler he probably dies then right? Yeah and he kept

his cancer secret so he's filming this as like an epitaph. Oh that's a... It's fucked. Man. He says it in the beginning too. He's like saying some shit about death. Oh man, wow. He kept it secret from everybody though. See, like any true funny guy.

Yeah. It's kind of like a last prank to play on people. You really fucked them over by keeping your cancer a secret. Yeah, and I'm dead. Scott Adams was trying to do that, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't outrun the pancreatic cancer, man. Yeah. From getting fucked in the ass so much, probably. From all of his comments?

From all of his comments? From all his comments. I got our Biggest Problem YouTube episode removed for joking about the COVID shot causing cancer. I saw that. It's fucking bullshit. It is fucking bullshit. We're still getting hit for that? Give me a break. Even after all the debunkings and everything?

Yeah, exactly. 80 years, you'll still be getting penalized for that. Ah, you made a COVID joke. That was tasteless. Sorry, that's medical misinformation. Like, what the fuck, man? We're just having nanobots now. There's no more COVID.

There's no more disease. Meanwhile, 9-11 memes are at an all-time high, man. Phil says, five people died this week in St. Louis tornadoes. The sirens were never activated. Uh, turned out the bitch in this news story was responsible. Oh, well, woman alert. See woman alert. Really?

She just forgot to hit the button. Well, she hung up on the button because she didn't feel like talking that day. SEMA Commissioner Sarah Russell is on paid leave pending an external investigation. Oh wow, now it's serious. Into why tornado sirens did not sound before an EF3 tornado hit parts of North City on Friday. Huh, you didn't ask her to do it in the right way.

Simple as that. You just got to say please and thank you. You know, you got to watch your tone. That's everything. Yes, you got to watch your fucking tone, man. Thomas Hackl says, I love you, Dick. I really wanted to see you in June. I've been a fan since the original Biggest Problem days.

Sadly, I could swing going to the show, but can't justify the expense of travel and everything. Having kids fucking sucks sometimes. Put it on a credit card, man. Come on. You could find that. Sell some plasma. Find it within yourself. Have the kids open up a lemonade stand, you know? Find it also without yourself.

Have like a kids-only fan take pictures of their feet. Some weirdo will give you some money for that. You gotta get to the show though, in Boston. Just start cranking out that AI-generated Facebook mom slop. Yeah! It'll be rich another time. Get some AI slop out there, man. I love how the guys,

the guys who were saying software engineers are gonna get replaced by AI. Like they're emphatic about it. Like you can just replace all of your software guys. They're all like shit bags, CEO, venture capitalist guys. Like you don't think we could train an AI to just lie all the time? Yeah.

I mean, what are you guys, why are you guys so excited about this? You do the least in the process of innovation and technology, you do nothing. Anyways, I love you and hope things go great at the show. Don't let Vito in. And please do look at my cat, because he is awesome and he loves you too. There's no substance to this message, which would be of importance

or interesting to the show in any way. But you should read it anyway, because the last time you read my shit, Sean announced his departure. Regards Thomas the Tank Commander, and he had attached a picture of his amulet of power. Let's see. Let's see what this amulet of power is. Uh... Uh... Okay.

Oh, I know what it is. It's a Sonichu medallion. With all of his army shit. And what is this here? Is this a Highlife? Or maybe. Is this a Coors? The beer something that looks like it could be rocky mountainish, doesn't it? Unless it's a Christmas beer. Christmas beer. You got a winter beer? A winter green beer.

The beer that, I don't know what kind of beer that is, buddy. I know what that guy is though, trouble. I know what that guy is. Thank you. Sorry you can't make it to the show. We will all talk about you behind your back. Mark says, is there anything worse than AI with restrictions? I get maybe images are bad,

but if it starts holding back words, then what are we even doing? The AI people are building AI to warp people's brains into more socialism and white replacement shit. They're trying guys like Sam Altman, they're not even, they don't even hide it. They're using the technology as a way to train and manipulate and Psyop people into acting

and voting against their self-interest in whatever way that might be. So all the shit that retards have been voting for for the last 40, 50, 60 years, starting with civil rights shit and ending with anti-Israeli bdiet, like anti-Israeli boycott laws and shit like that. All that shit. More immigration, diversity is your strength, stop noticing. They're using the AI so the AI can gaslight people out

of noticing shit that even little children see is obvious. Which is why we send kids to school, to gaslight them out of believing shit they see with their own eyes. That obvious conclusions that they jump to and they know right away. Cause they still have brains even though they're little kids. That's what they're using the AI for. So as they lose control of social media

and blockchain stuff, they have a ton of people locked in with their imaginary friend, zooted out of their fucking minds on SSRIs and dopamine fucking Injectors and Fast-food and not working out so they're locked in with their imaginary waifu getting gas lit into voting in

favor of their own destruction. That's what they're doing. And I'll tell you that pretty much exactly. Just like a few words different, but that's what they're doing. The guy, Sam Altman, who bought a child for him and his husband, I think they bought two children from the mom, you know.

That's the guy doing it. Package deal. Package deal. Whatever the computer machine can do to make you see a guy paying a woman to get pregnant and then take the baby, whatever to make you think that's fine, that's what they're using the computer for.

And everything that comes before that as well. Simple, simple stuff. It's's power of the computer man my man sent this to me the oldest evidence of flute states back to 40,000 years well the earliest indications of pants are around 20,000 years old. So there's 20,000 years that humans had flutes, but no pants. Nice. Cool. That's the time I want to go back to. You know, we figured out the important shit first, you know.

I don't want to go back too far. Then I got no flutes. I don't want to go back not far enough because then I got to wear pants, right? Right. Because as soon as you invented pants, you got to be wearing pants. And then at some then I got to wear pants, right? Right. Because as soon as you invented pants, you got to be wearing pants. And then at some point, you got to wear pants to cover up

the pants that you're wearing. I got to go right that sweet spot. 20,000 years. That's the only time life was good. Those 20,000 years, all flutes, No Pants, and 1986 to about 1994. Those are the two times. Maybe there was some time right after the Civil War that was good.

But I kinda don't think so. I don't think so either. Cause I don't wanna drink liquor cause I have to. That's what you have to do in the old west. That is what you. You know? Yeah. I only drink it so my stomach stops hurting.

Yeah. All right. Hey Dick, here's some vaccine advice from Michael. It's standard procedure in hospitals to inject newborns with hepatitis B vaccines in the first few days of life. I always thought this was weird because hepatitis is transmitted via sex or through sharing needles.

Huh, or very rarely a mother and her child. A lot of policy is driven by rare or unusual situations, for example, rape or incest with regard to abortion. But I digress. I can 100% confirm that the hepatitis B vaccine is paid for by the state, at least that's the way it is in the state where I live. Apparently this policy is related to initiatives taken in the 80s, which claim to eradicate hepatitis B in the population through early vaccination.

Oh, I mean, that makes sense. Nobody wants hepatitis, right? Not anymore. We've been doing that vaccine makes sense. Nobody wants hepatitis, right? Not anymore. We've been doing that vaccine forever though. Is it really not good? The theory is that we age our immune system. The theory is that we age our immune systems change and early vaccination versus late vaccination

may confer longer term immunity. But it turns out that the hepatitis B immunity wears off with age. Okay. It's always something, man. It is always something. Oh, sure, take this, but that's gonna give you this. Yeah.

Oh, but then you take this to counteract that, but then this will give you this other. Does this work? Does this shit work? That's all I want to know. Does this shit work, man? Tell me yes or I don't know. Well, you get yes, but. Yeah, yeah, but, you know, not for you. Not in the way you think. Right. Okay. So no. Uh, J.R. says, a woman alert. All right. Woman alert. Schizo runs for male cop. Male cop gets winded and slows his pursuit to a walk as a female officer arrives on scene. Then the female cop shows off her emotional intelligence

by exercising empathy and kindness. She allows the schizo to disarm her and begs him not to shoot, while having a panic attack. Jump to 517. Okay. Thank you for the time code. code. Showing up to a gunfight with a...

As a woman. Yeah, as a woman, yeah. There we go. 517, huh? Where is that? Here it is. Okay, so here's, this is the lady cop. She's on, in her police car,

doing something, I don't know, fiddling around, checking her purse. Okay, she's got her gun out, pointing her gun at guy there's no audio he just reaches over and grabs her gun What the hell oh There's no sound Please don't shoot me! Please don't shoot me! Oh, I gotta see that again. So she's sitting in her car, when she gets to the crime scene, fiddling around in her car for doing god knows what women are doing before they get out of the car. When I get home, I have my foot out the door before the parking breaks even on. Yeah. I'm like, open the door, put it in new, put it in drive, and

then in one fluid motion I, I go like this. I get home, I get, I drive into the driveway, open the door, like this hand's going slow, And then I go twist the keys, turn it off, and then shift it into park. And then I pull the parking brake before my foot, as my foot hits the ground. That's pretty good. Like that. I usually do it like undercover brother, right?

I do the big spin out. Oh, you do? Land in my spot perfectly. But by that point, my seatbelt's unbuckled and I jump as soon as I, you know, stand up against the car, so I fly out. So to maintain the momentum. Yeah, that's cool.

Don't want any loss of speed, you know? I'm trying to get the fuck inside. That's cool, I would do that when I was younger. Now I'm just happy with, you know, same time. More things to break, you know? Yeah. But this lady, cop cop gets to the scene, and it's like when my dog is like afraid of a dog,

she's like pretends to do stuff. Yeah. Because she doesn't want to like show that she's like pretends to sniff. There's a dog, she's like, oh yeah, I don't know about that dog. I don't know about that guy. Hmm. Sniffing around. All right, let's see it again.

Here comes the guy. She holds the gun out. Okay. Here comes the guy. Now this is where I would shoot. Right there. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

That's a good place to... That's... you got every... That's how you stay alive. Got every reason to at that point. Okay, then he, uh, then he somehow takes the gun... without getting shot. He's pointing it right at his stomach. They're saying the Jesus name! They're saying the Jesus name forever! They're saying the Jesus name forever! They're saving Jesus' name forever!

That's my gun! That's my gun! That's my gun! He has my gun. She's not using cop talk anymore. The perpetrator has like, proceeded to acquire my firearm. Yeah, somehow all the cop talk goes away when they're afraid for their lives

and not acting like assholes. Power tripping assholes. Please don't shoot me! Please don't shoot me! Where's she going? She's gonna hide in the mail truck! Yeah, because I would way rather have a mailman protecting me than a fucking lady police officer Mailman's got big ass thighs man. A mailman could kick you like fucking Sparta Kick you over the pit, dude Yeah, so she doesn't have a backup gun oh shit

Who's that is that? Is that the crazy guy? Is she getting fucked right now? God, she needs to get fucking fired for that. That's insane. Dude, you think that like replacing half a cops with lady cops, it has any kind of negative effect on law enforcement and safety in big cities like this?

You think maybe, you think maybe that's had a, you think maybe that the planes are falling out of the sky, but in cop terms? Well, it just goes to show how easy it is. If you want to take a gun from a cop, go up to a lady cop and say, Jesus is saving you. That's crazy. Your Honor, I was afraid she was going to shoot me. I've seen the videos of lady cops shooting at mirrors and stuff. Yeah, I was just trying to tell her Jesus was saving her, man.

Come on. I was trying to show her how to use it, take the safety off and stuff. Thanks, Jare. Chris Primer says, Kali Yuga. In Hinduism, there's a cycle of history called the Kali Yuga, a hellish period in which the worst and the lowest rule over the strongest and most able.

Yeah, is that what we're in? I guess so. I think it could get worse. It can always get worse. I mean, I see where it's worse. This could be like that. Right. So not quite there yet.

Okay, Gravedigger says, when you were talking about doctors already knowing what's wrong with you, you're absolutely correct. And it's one of my main problems I encounter in death care. Whoa, if someone dies at home, a cause of death must be determined. That cause is determined by the facts of the scene.

Where's the body and who is there? Is there a visible stab wound and the facts of the scene. Where's the body and who is there? Is there a visible stab wound and the facts of the diagnosis? The coroner will in conjunction with their doctor or random doctor, the doctor they last saw or the medical examiner of the county, if there's none, converse and review their medical history. The coroner is often a trained biologist and the medical examiner definitely is.

Okay, what this amounts to in practice is that the coroners do not show up. Someone dies and a lot of times they will just call and talk to the cops on the scene who will describe the facts on the scene. If it looks normal as though beat cops or easily predictable, the coroner never even shows up. They will look at their medical history and say, probably a heart attack, and release the body to a funeral home.

Unironically, and I'm not saying this to be mean, if Vito died in his apartment and it looked too suspicious, they would look at his health, see perhaps the weird Ozempic clone in his room and just conclude that the fat did it. They wouldn't show up. This also means that I'm working for a funeral home if I have to explain to the family that we don't rely

to know how they died, but the coroner's confidence natural causes, and I can give my best guess to how it played out. I've seen a lot of dead bodies, but guessing cause of death is not my specialty. Oh, really? So if you you die they don't even care It's like a well you're dead. What doesn't matter? Yeah, really

Man, he died from not breathing isn't that fucking crazy. He died from who gives a shit dead You just stopped giving a fuck yeah, if someone cared they'd be here right now and tell you what happened There's a huge problem. I lose sleep over it really I How I cannot count the number of times I've had to call the coroner or a deputy myself and tell them I refuse to move the body until someone comes out. Whoa, really? Fuck. I've only been wrong once, which means that suspect cause of death

have just been allowed to pass through due to medical overconfidence or a game of telephone with a beat cop. I often compare everyone I work with to veto. Imagine an entire industry of vetoes, wow. Difficult. Couldn't possibly imagine that. Is child molesting an industry? I could imagine that.

Do they have a CEO? Once there was a suicide victim and the police released her to us, the funeral home. It was cold. She was in a winter coat and she was outside and it looked weird immediately. When I got back to the funeral home, we took her gloves off and there was a bullet hole

in her hand. Oh. The coroner never took off her gloves to check for any signs of struggle. And we had to shut the entire morgue down for three days for them to gather evidence and do an autopsy right there. Medical overconfidence.

It's a huge problem. Wow. That's crazy. There's a huge problem Wow That's crazy There's levels to the game man. Yes, this guy's doing fucking Matlock shit out of his out of his morgue. That's fucking crazy. What the fuck? Somebody died. I don't know. It looks suspicious. Dr. Watson He's doing mysteries and stuff. He's doing mysteries, man.

He's doing straight up mysteries, man! Holy shit. This motherfucker's got an Encyclopedia Brown over here. Solving fucking the case. He's solving the fucking case, another case solved. And all because of this one man is brave enough to say something about it. Yeah, thanks to the Undertaker. Another case solved. And all because of this one man is brave enough to say something about it. Yeah, thanks to the undertaker.

Another case solved. And they hate him. Cops hate him. They hate the undertaker for this one move. The gravedigger, what did he say? The gravedigger, they hate the gravedigger. Oh, not you again. You know, officer, just one more thing.

I just imagine he's a giant monster truck. Yeah. Trying to solve these crimes. Oh shit, it's the gravedigger, he's come back. This one really jams my pistons. Like Knight Rider, but he's a monster truck. Right. It's just loud and like people are trying to talk in the room and all that.

Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! Yeah. Well that's cool. How many cases does this motherfucker solve? I don't know, probably a lot at this point. That's where I gotta go to the fucking morgue. Yeah. Whew.

They'll figure out my shit. Make sure the coroner actually shows up though. that the nugget of wisdom lazy motherfuckers get out here I paid for this death. They're like the death inspectors. We're gonna. Yeah, I'll come out I guess Yeah, tell me about it. That should be fine. I'll sign off Dead that's died of death. Yeah, there you go leading cause of death She got a bullet hole in her fucking head. What are you talking about? Yeah, but she's she just died There you go. Leading cause of death. She got a bullet hole in her fucking head. What are you talking about? Yeah, but she just died.

Nerve pain. Never had tinnitus with the end of February on vacation. I suddenly couldn't sleep from shoulder pain. No sleep, no grip strength, numb thumb pain while eating. Everyone I told just said, that's what you get for working out in your 30s. Three doctors visits, three meds, six weeks of mandatory PT, and finally insurance lets me pay $300 for an MRI.

Turns out I have bulging C5, C6 discs. My primary says it's from bad posture. Always looking down, sleeping on my stomach with my head turned. I spent 1500 bucks navigating insurance, hoops, while in constant pain, and I really wish that during one of my five rounds of mandatory Holocaust history class,

someone had also mentioned that stomach sleeping is one of the worst things you can do for your neck. Really? Hmm, I think my wife does that. Anyway, thanks for years of laughs. Best luck with the kid. Thank you. Okay. Terry says, did you see Eric July's latest comic fuck-up? Well, I don't know. Let's see what... Let's see what it is. Which one? Let's see what the latest is. There we go.

And then somebody sent a rap. A freestyle rap. OK, this is the latest comic fuck up. It's a gay little alien man. And his, it's a misprint. So they printed the wrong, they printed it so it doesn't line up in the middle. So the whole comic is like, like it's supposed to,

these are supposed to be connected, see? So it looks like the same picture, you know? Sure there wasn't like a Chinese dragon sort of thing going on? Maybe it's like Mad Magazine where you're supposed to fold it over. Right, yeah. Looks like the same picture, you know? Sure there wasn't like a Chinese dragon sort of thing going on? Maybe it's like Mad Magazine where you're supposed to fold it over? Right, yeah. Oh, you're saying this might be his body?

Right, yeah, there's like another alien hiding under like the cloth or something. Yeah, that could be. Those two guys holding hands with their... These foots... Two gay aliens holding... Oh, that's the same guy, isn't it? Right, it is, yeah. Hahahaha! How do you fuck this up, man?

It's like, you got a hundred guys working for you. You got time to call the police all day on dickheads, but you can't open your fucking comic and just look at any page and see that it's fucked up. It's a social experiment, man. It's not about the trash you receive in the mail. Yeah. It's about the crying online.

Yeah, Eric's running a Milligram experiment, Stanford experiment on how much money these shit heads will pay. Right. And how crappy he can get the product. Yeah, what is it, like how much sawdust you can get sneaking to food before someone notices?

Yeah. How many bad comic books can you cut out before someone's like, hey, wait a second, these fucking suck. Wait a second, I'm not paying for this shit. This shit's awful. Yeah, look at these gay alien men. But it actually is one alien man.

The sawdust of comic books. What an idiot. I'm sure he's got a great explanation for why that's cool. Kanye Cousin Freestyle. Hello, Dick. I made a very short rap about Kanye and his cousin. Might be fun to play on the show. Go fuck yourself in smooches for Johnny.

Shout out to Bag of Schmidt. You had me at very short. Let's hear it. Yeah. That's the best two words. Short? How short? Very. Ooh, I'm in. Yeah, I'll play a very short clip anyway.

Uh, all right. You're gonna have to tell me if this is good, Johnny. Okay. Because I'm gonna turn it way down. Okay, cuz I'm gonna turn it way down Good job. Good job pineapple man beautiful. Oh, my name's Kanye my age 14 I'm sampling the skin flute if you know what I mean on my MPC or was it HIV I don't know but I gotta go get rid of those DVDs. My cousin went look at these and I said these what? He gave a hushed whisper.

These nuts. Guess I'm a gay fish. Cause that was a big fist. I'm swimming around funny. Cause that was a really big fist. So I guess that's it. Jump back into the sea. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines.

I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines.

I'm a sea man with a fish stick and a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines.

I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I'm a sea man with a sack of magazines. I don't want to watch some adult man crying about a Disney movie fuck I Would say it was great and the presentation of playing the discord recordings along with it. I like that. That's really great That's cool. That's high art. Yeah stamp of approval man. Well too much reliance on South Park memes. Mm-hmm You know try to be your own thing.

It's okay, 50 seconds, that's tolerable. It's good, good job. Do some more. Do lots more. Do more. Keep it short though. Make something, make your own thing. Don't cry about little girls movies from Disney.

Don't go online and cry about Lilo and Stitch is changed. Just don't go online. Don't go online. But if you have to, don't cry about the Lion King. Disney movies changed. Oh, in the, in the Lilo and Stitch. Ah, somebody's, they put a shirt on somebody. Oh this guy's not wearing a dress and the thing. Oh It's like a I

Think the death of everything was like and here's all the behind I give it five hands down a little kid's pants Oh, that is all their ratings, I've noticed. Yeah. What were you gonna say, sorry? I was gonna say, the death of everything was all these like, well here's the behind the scenes on how we did Back to the Future, and then everyone's like, actually, I've seen how this is done,

so now I know how every movie works. I, too, worked on this now. And I, it's like, cool, man. That's cool. Yeah, like what? What's that? Snow White is a bomb! Well, probably because it's from the 30s. Yeah.

That's probably why. You know? I will say though, Laurel and Hardy is still fucking hilarious. Yeah. Hundred years later. That shit is gold. Charlie Chaplin, man. All the like ancient Hollywood stuff

funny This man, it's what you would expect. Mm-hmm. You can't be like I went to McDonald's and they made me a shitty cheeseburger This cheeseburger sucks. Yeah, ha no kidding Okay, let's do I've got an erotic story Uh, okay. Let's do... I've got an erotic story. Damn, it's been a while. I know. I'm gonna save it, because I don't think my ears can take any more of me talking. It's weird. Using headphones, because it limits all sound, the ringing gets worse over time. So I can take them off, and then I barely hear it.

But I don't know if that's safe yet. Save. You know, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Yeah, it's a marathon. And it's closer to the end than the beginning. So I'm going to conserve as much as possible. What would Tim Allen say? Oh?

You know? I'll do fatwatch and stuff. Fatwatching today in fat news. And I'll do voicemails today. I'll try. This is from Squiz. Cool. Hey, Dick, here's some fat watch for ya.

Oh, you know what's crazy? So I really appreciate all the advice and ideas people have sent me about the ringing in my ears. I've tried a lot of it, you know, going through eliminating, okay, it sounds kinda like this, nah, it's definitely not what you have. I got a set of questions now.

I can make the ringing different by putting my tongue on the top of my mouth. Oh shit. So that means it's not brain tinnitus. Yeah. Cause if it's in your brain, then you're just perma fucked, right? And you also can't change the sound by touching your palate.

It's a pressure thing. Yeah. So because I can do that, hopefully it's fixable. And then someone messaged me yesterday saying he had some weird inner ear infection with same symptoms as me and it went away in like six weeks. I'm hoping it's that, because it's been about four weeks now.

I think four weeks today. Damn. Okay, here's some fat watch for you. A woman sliding out of a booth. Okay. Oh my God. We got a woman with not enough horizontal stripes on her jumpsuit.

She's got the cabbage patch arms with the seam at the elbow, you know, to look like elbows. Okay, let's see how she gets out. It's crammed into a tiny booth. Let's see how she gets out. It's like an optical illusion. Yeah, if you stare at her stomach. See all these horizontal stripes

shifting around like that? Like, oh man. Oh God, all right. So to get momentum to launch up. I feel like she's playing it up. A little bit. Yeah, but look at those hands. That right there on that table looks like a cloven hoof, for sure.

That's the kind of hand where they say, we just got engaged. I said yes, and then they take a picture of their ring, and it's like a bloated corpse. Like that just washed up. It's been floating around for about three weeks in the ocean. Absolutely. It's like, oh my God. One ring is gonna lose that finger.

Woman moved to Ghana and she wants to, I think we watched that already. All right, Roy says her profile pic versus what shows up. Okay. her profile pic versus what shows up. Okay. Not bad. This is her profile pic. You could see though.

You can see. Yeah. There's anyone can take a shoulders up kind of pic fine. It's when you start getting any lower, it's like, oh, there's tells. Now, a younger man, a man not versed, they're experienced in these things, might see that and get excited and swipe right. You know, there's a whole generation that grew up without MySpace, right? They don't know the MySpace angle. Right.

And they're running on, you know, Hopium. They see a little bit of... Look, first there was Copium and now there's Hopium. And girls are so proud of how fat they are. It's also like, it gives you a false sense of security if you see one who's hiding it, because they're usually so honest about it. Right. And your face about it, you know Right, I don't want no man who can't handle these curves. You're seeing like little rocks falling from the ceiling and shit

Yeah, those are the things you have to look for rocks falling from the ceiling when they're taking a selfie Or just when they're walking in your vicinity If there's any cracks in the drywall behind them, that's a telltale sign. If you register any seismic activity. Here's what we can look for though. These are the tools we have for our investigation here. You see fat women will often have triangular shaped fingers.

You see that? And it's not the perspective necessarily, but they will have some triangularity to their fingers. Right. Right? Well, cause you're- A pyramidality. You're turning your, what was a hand into a catcher's mitt. Yeah.

It's like the unfinished catcher midification of the fingers. Yeah, the catcher's mitt, Yeah. It's like the unfinished catcher mittification of the fingers. Yeah, the catcher's mitt, it's like an anamorphs. It grows slowly from the palm and it spreads out. So they'll have skinny girl fingernails on a fat, it won't look like a sausage. It'll look like a triangle. A little gradient there.

Yeah, so that's something you can look for. Like this finger is much fatter than this. This is the skinny woman's finger It's like a tree you cut the rings right go back in time you look at the tips of their finger And this was her at 17 and then you go back and this was her at You know, this was this was the first trauma that she experienced right here. Mm-hmm starting to get fatter this is college and then this is being in the real world and This was the first trauma that she experienced right here. Starting to get fatter. This is college. And then this is being in the real world

and having to do email at work all day. Having to be in an HR department. Yeah, see how fat she's gotten here. And then once you get to the wrist, oh mighty. Oh my Lord, that's mighty. Joe Young even. Then we've got some shoulders sloping here. And of course this

Tit escape the extra ass on the arm here. Yeah, this is the the armpit Spilling out of the dress Usually bracelets like this should hang as well With some you want like a dog's collar you want to be able to fit two fingers between a woman and her bracelet It looks as if it's cutting off it's awfully taut for a Awfully taut. Yeah, can I zoom? Yeah, there we go. Look at that

That's not what you want That's that's gonna be that's gonna be uncomfortable for the dog if the leash is the collar is too tight So you want to get two fingers? That's what Ray Charles would do. He'd shake the woman's hand, and he'd try to slip two fingers between her and the bracelet. Right. To see if they were big fatso.

You know? If he couldn't get a finger in, he'd start hollering. Yeah, I'm out. Yeah. He'd say, oh, child. OK, and now we'll see the after. Mama pajama, look at this bitch. Whoa, whoa.

How do they do it? How do they do it? How do they do this, man? Well, you know, weevils wobble, but they never fall. Oh my God. That's a crazy build. Her torso is normal. She looks like- And then you have John Goodman's arms here.

Yeah, she looks like Squidward after he tries the Krabby Patties for the first time and then all goes to his legs. Yeah. Okay, be careful out there, kids. Don't try Krabby Patties all wheelie-nilly man. You can't be happy to careful Mike there's anything lesson to be learned there Mike Oxlong says a fat video, okay? cool the fat video

Mmm sure you have sent a fat video, but what's Okay, oh I've seen these Sure, you have sent a fad video, but what's in it? Okay. Oh, I've seen these. Oh no. The girl I used to be in 2007, it says. 2017. Oh, 2017. Okay, yeah.

That's only eight years ago. It was like a nice girl, nice tits on her. I can see kind of the beginnings of a of an arm breaking bad over here, breaking fat, you know, over here on the back. Breaking bread over here. Breaking bread. Let's see what she's made this video for. Girl I used to be, 2017. Okay. Honestly. Oh. Alright.

Wow. She's taking up the whole picture now. You hardly recognize. Is there a bigger one? No. I want to see him like a Pokemon yeah, you know three stages. Yeah, to Charmeleon That was a Charmeleon. I want to see Charizard We're looking at fucking blast always there for a second. I thought yeah, that's war turtle turtle. Yeah, I see blasts Do that in just a couple years?

I don't know, man. Eight years? Jesus Christ. Because there's days where I'm like, man, I've eaten like a complete piece of shit today. Yeah. I'm still like, I can get in and out. I can lay on the floor flat, stand back up just fine.

You know, my knees work great. Ankles are fine still. I think part of the problem is women like buying new clothes and I hate buying new clothes. So I don't want to get too fat for my clothes. Right. But they love it. So they don't care.

We get fat, that's, well, now I gotta buy new clothes. Now I get to buy new clothes. Oh shit, now I'm fat. Let me lose this weight. Now I get to buy more new clothes. Yeah, they love it. Except they never lose this weight now to buy more new clothes. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they love it except they never lose weight It's a one-way street. It's a one-way street, man. Hey dick. You should check the robot engineer. Hey dick You should check out fat con more. Okay

What's going on in fact fat con a Conference a conference for the liberation of Fats. All right. There we go. Fatcon 2026, when is it? I think that's where all the spare defibrillators and O2 machines go. We want to hear from you.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Meet friend fats. The fat con community is so important today and every day. Meeting fat friends. Oh, there's multiple fat cons. Philly fat con. What? Marketplace for fat con 2026.

When do we just break down and call it Ursula maxing? Marketplace for Fat Con 2026. When do we just break down and call it Ursula Maxing? Because goddamn. We want to see your artwork. Fashion, tattoos, whatever you have to offer. Oh my God. We want to see it in January in Seattle. For Fat Con 2026, we're actually expanding the size of our Fat Babes marketplace, which

means we have more room to showcase amazing local and maybe not so local talent at Fat Con 2026. What? Wait, what is this? Like a hook to get? That's, I don't even want to know. Is this a grabbing? Is this an ass wiping wand well

That's got to be like a trailer hitch so you can carry all your things around You carry your wife or double wide yeah, this is for the husband's all the tweaker meth head white skinny white men Go here fat wife apart while she's asleep a bunch of guys that are skinnier than Nick Riquetta go around this table and buy a tack, tack, and trailer accessories for their fat wives who are in the next room learning how to be loud. This would be a great place to bring out the Bridget cards and see who wanted to play some poker. All right, you fat bitches. Who's losing the Bridget today? Bro, could I go- could I give a presentation at one of these? That's like super pro fat.

How do- if we did it in fat suits, right? How to chew louder. Can I give a presentation at one of these that's like super pro fat? If we did it in fat suits, right? I gotta chew louder. Like a whole seminar. How to get an extra ranch cup wherever you go? Yeah, food hacks. This is how I get ranch for free. Normally these fat phobic cis heads charge me heads charge you 25 cents, but I can get you ranch for free.

If we make the claim that charging for ranch and other dipping sauces is fat phobic. Fat phobic. Oh shit. Look at this, what the fuck is this? It's like a key you can wind her up. So when she's out of, when her blood sugar's low. You stick it in her ass?

Crank it if you don't. What is this shit? This is like a blue sandal that's all by itself? Maybe it's remnants of like, like a, like a, like, what is it? Like war treasures, right? From all the children she sat on over the years? This is the first kid I sat on.

These are her wares, right? Like that holocaust memorial with shoes. Yes, like I sat on this kid. This is all the kids we sat on. I found this slipper in my fold. I found this wand thing in my... I found a trailer hitch back there. Fucking... It's like a spoils of war kind of thing. Yeah. These are crowbars to get you when you get stuck on the toilet.

Stick that in and pop it off. I like how they're asking you to fill things out at fat con. Oh yeah. That shouldn't be a problem there. Oh Christ. Who are these for? Normal size lingerie? Yeah. Is this for your feet? You buy normal size lingerie for women and the fat ladies put it on their feet and go like woo hoo hoo. Happy birthday Mr. President. With the lingerie on their feet. Singing it like fucking Fat Albert.

Happy birthday Mr. President. Hey hey. The application linked in our bio Yeah PSAP as the applications close soon We'll see you there Can't miss me Yeah We'll see you from space

We'll see you from space Fuck Then it's With all this pro-fat stuff Like They kind of Embrace the being fat part Then it's with all this pro-fat stuff like They kind of embrace the being fat part But they have that line where it's like see you in space would not be right would not be good It's so subtle it's this tiny little twist

It's a little too yeah, it goes from empowering to mockery it really is a tiny line just like a gossamer thread mm-hmm that you're all it's all empowering and then fat tub of shit goes in that yeah you don't mean too far see there see you from space Is that the Great Wall of China? No, it's the line for Panda Express. At VATCON in Seattle, 2026. The second man-made object that you can see from space. The line to get into Panda Express. I'm hungry! They better not run out of orange chicken.

That's why they built the wall to keep them out, right? Yeah. Early bird pricing ends. OK. I really want to go to one of these. Like in food reference, early bird, they're just like, come out and get the worm, you know? Oh, all right.

Let's see this. Wow. Chub rub clothing. Chub rub on the fat con runway. What does that mean? Are you rubbing your chubs? Are those chubs? Is that a chub? That's... I mean, there's the obvious remark, right?

Looks like a leg testicle. Yeah. Get your leg testicles dangling. Both of them. On the runway of Fat Con 2026. Ladies, break out your leg testicles. And by leg testicles, I mean lymphedemas. It's like the clothing squeezes it all out.

And then whatever's exposed at the bottom is like, wow, that's what fell out. You know what I would host? I would be adipose positivity. Is that too much? Adipose tissue and positivity? It might be a little too much positivity. I had a they wouldn't get it It's too clever too clever. Yeah, it has to be like fat fun fattest bitches That is bitches anonymous ladies. We're not gonna be invisible anymore. We're not anonymous. We're fat bitch anonymous

Right. Yeah It has to be stupider Fat bitches of America Do you think it feels like getting kicked in the nuts if she gets if she whacks one of those things on a table? That's fucked Probably yeah, this is fucked you should be hiding these things Oh. That's fucked. Probably. Yeah, this is fucked. You should be hiding these things.

All right. Yeah, girl. Her, her, her, shwoop, her calf has a corset. Yes. Her calf has a corset. Yes. Her calf has a corset. Yeah, it looks like a cowboy boot, but that's actually a full-sized corset.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's a big boot you got there, lady. Now, this is something it's trunks with straps all over it loading ratchet straps all around the top yeah they didn't finish unpacking her she went through one of those Chinese like hay balers? What they show? Oh, come on, lady. This is... What the fuck is this shit, man?

All right. It's a place where you can go be disgusting. Yeah, it really is. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that. Like, all them in the pool? I would hate to be the lifeguards on that day, because you're... A thousand percent have to help every single fucking one of them. They got to give you like a lasso or something. There's no way you can jump in and save them. Well, and there's so there's no way that they're getting into the pool with not no shit on them, right?

Yeah, we've learned from the toilet brush wands. There is poop on them. And they're probably gonna squeeze something out on their way back out too you can't tell me if there was 400 extra pounds on your back trying to fucking climb up the stairs at that weight in that age that they're not shitting themselves I leave in a tiny bit somebody's drowning they just got to drain the pool yeah at fat con there's no way to effectively get them out yeah just pull the plug unless there's a helicopter Giant fucking crane game, right? Every all the railings at the pools have like wet paint don't touch on them. So they don't keep them out of the ground

God was the night really want to go show it. All right, that's enough of that. Okay, we'll do voicemails everybody. That's the show, patreon.com slash the Dick show. Come out to Boston. Come out to Boston. Live.dick.show. I think I'm getting a little bit better. I think, I hope. Pray to God.

I'm getting a little bit better. I only actively try to be worse, so. Yeah. That makes one of us. Yeah, I think it's getting better. Okay, there we go. I was thinking about the weight. DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK DICK I can't jack off to this at all. Wah, see? Alright.

Haven't done voicemails in a while. We haven't. I got a lot stored up. Maybe we could do a bonus episode maybe this week or next week? Yeah. It's been a while. It has been a while. It has been a while. Time flies when you're in a personal hell.

Time really flies. The personal hell of existence. Yeah, yeah, when personal hell, you know, time just like gets away from you. Every single day is exactly the same. You know, feel like yourself. That's been me all week, man. I knew my ears were getting better

when I started talking to myself again. Cause I always have done that. And then I just stopped cause I'm like, it fucking hurts. I can't do it anymore. Fuck. Talking to myself and whistling, two extremely annoying things that I started doing again.

Okay. Hey, Dick. Hey, Jonels. I have a woman alert for you. Women don't understand percentages by volume. And this first hit my radar because two girls were discussing whether the big buzz ball had stronger alcohol than the smaller one or not. So it came to me. And as I recall,

it has the same alcohol by volume. So I tried explaining to them why it was that they were the same, even though one is bigger and one was smaller. They didn't really get it. Then yesterday at work one of my co-workers asked me for milk for her coffee. She said it's too strong so I'm gonna start shaking. If I don't dilute it. But she still drank the whole cup of coffee. So she still ingested the same amount of coffee and caffeine. They don't get it. Try it out. See if any of the women in your life do understand it. Zick, go fuck yourself. John-old, I love you. Well, thanks.

I love the conversation of how much alcohol is in something. Because only people who get way too drunk seem to have it. Like they're trying to build in their head some sort of math that explains why they get so shit-faced all the time. And like pretending that it's not, pretending that you need to know such a measurement, like I don't even know why I got so drunk. It must be because there's a different amount of hours.

It's like no, it's because you just keep drinking when you're drunk. Yeah. And are an asshole, that's why. It's not cause of like math. Right, yeah. What does the label say about, oh, this is why I was such an asshole, it's because of

this number. Oh, this, yeah, this number. A doy. Couldn't have been any other, yeah. No other reason. You can tell how much alcohol is in it because you start feeling drunk. Yeah. That's why.

You can tell because of the alcohol. All right. At least you should. You should. Yeah. Hey, Dick. Sorry, guys, that pisses me off for you. You could tell because of the alcohol. At least you should. You should! Hey, Dick. So I got a best pisses me off for you. Endless product models.

You know, gone are the days where you could just, you want to buy something like a robot vacuum or whatever. You know, like, you know what? I just want the basic one. Or maybe the kind of way good one. Or maybe like all the really nice one and then maybe like the super duper nice one, right? No, no, no, no now there's like seven different model lines and each has like 10 different variations and that's just one manufacturer and then So you're trying to you know Shop and it's like great. I have this fucking research paper to do now Like what what happened to just being able to just go dude if you want to do a research paper

Go try to buy an air filter These guys are nuts because half because half of them just have like imaginary symptoms Of a like an imaginary disease And they I mean I don't even I don't know if this shit works at all, but the people researching it are, they have spreadsheets of models. There's about 50 million models. Oh my god. You're right about the research paper. It's a lot. Yeah, fucking annoying. Okay. It's a lot. Yeah.

Fucking annoying. Okay. Hey, what's up, dick? Johnny. I wanted to call in with a mixer me, a mad today. Okay. I asked this girl, she's like down to get coffee, and she said like she never up early enough to get coffee anyway.

But regardless of that, then she's like, I'm not going to go in this afternoon, but I don't drink coffee. It's like- Bitch, can you- do you I'm gonna go on this afternoon, but I don't drink coffee. It's like... Bitch, can you- do you wanna go out on a date or what? Do you wanna go somewhere and talk? Because you can't just go somewhere and talk, cause that's too weird, right? Do you wanna go buy something and then get to know each other in a public space,

so you know you're not gonna get raped? Let me rephrase that. Hi, bitch. Would you like to go to a safe environment so we can talk to each other and see if we're compatible in a way that maximizes your safety from being raped by a potential psycho? Because there's people around? Fuck! So we have something to fidget with and talk about?

Dude! What is wrong with people? Women! I feel like everybody has all these other drink options. I like my chance. It's like everybody has room playlists of drinks anyway Yeah, it's not really the same. I can't go to a boba store and go to a spaceship and order a bunch of weird goo You don't go to the spaceship and go order much of weird? I don't like going to the spaceship and ordering goo. I actually hate it. With like the space rings around your neck and the little...

I hate those things. Alright, isn't that what they're like? The fucking boba tea places? Like, this is... Why are you playing this music so loud? Why does it feel like a hospital? It's like a hospital you get assaulted at. Why do you have to go in the back to make the tea? What are you doing? How do you get it in the can?

Oh man, did I tell you I went to a sushi this week? You did? And it was run by Chinese people. Oh. And the health inspector was there as me and my friend were sitting down to eat. We were just, you know, we're middle of a studio build. I'll go get some lunch.

Took 30 minutes for them to switch over the beer keg so I could finally get a fucking beer. Because they were learning how to clean it for the first time. Because the health inspector was there. And two motherfuckers start yelling at each other in Cantonese on two different phones. Get the hell out! Get the hell out!

I knew exactly. I was like, I look at my friend and I'm like, John, these motherfuckers are not Japanese. Like'll I saw that when we walked in but like now it confirmed it but man It was the most crazy crazy shit, but it was the same kind of shit man Just like you asked the health inspector hey, they're not gonna pass are they no There was a hair that like it looked like someone had wiped down our table, or like the bar we were sitting at, and like a hair was on the cloth.

So it dried into the table. Oh. And she comes by, and she's like, oh, did you get everything? And I'm like, well, the guy made his order, but not mine. The guy's like, it's coming. It's coming. Like, I'm making it for you. I'm like, dude, it doesn't take fucking 20 minutes

to make the easiest shit in the world. And then there's nobody fucking here. And I told her, once the second we stepped foot Out of there. I was like, don't you ever support that business again? Like we ate there cuz we had to but fuck man Bullshit Alright, let's about this one Well, banks here are just fucking having your license plate stolen

they stole the plates off my car what? well i'm in the shops with my wife and child how? you wanna do crimes with them? i'm gonna report it to the police immediately because they're my

license plates and anything that goes wrong with them will come back to me. It's baffling because it's just it's a useless crime in all aspects. Yeah. Yeah. Call me back, Smooch is for Johnny. Boletro is great. I do agree it's a big waste of time, but it's a great waste of time. You got a little joke of fellas on the count. Whoa. Uh, this is getting rambly, but yeah. Fuck you.

Now I'm glad you licensed this lake guy still alive. Yeah. After all that rambling. The thing is, is like, you can't talk about Bellatro, right? It's like being a Beatles fan. Second anyone brings up the Beatles, it's like, ah, dude, you could just say you're a fucking moron, man. But if you're enjoying the Beatles on your own,

you're like, wow, then maybe there is something to this. Stealing a license plate, what the fuck? That guy sounded either Australian or New Zealand or something, so I'm sure that's still a thing out there to do. That doesn't happen out here much. That's, you know, there should be a special type of crime, like a severe annoyance crime,

like stealing the copper out of a street light, stealing a license plate, stealing a catalytic converter. Like crimes that don't make you very much money but that cost people a ton of time and money, that is an immediate execution. Like stealing someone's wallet or their purse. All right, that's theft, robbery. Stealing their noise, but.

It is annoying to have to do all your cards again. I gotta cancel all my cards. I gotta go replace them. Wait a month or whatever, yeah. I'm probably gonna fuck up one and get something cancelled. That is annoying But it's worth a lot, right? So Not as bad stealing your license plate. Like I gotta go to the DMV for what? Yeah, so you can have a stolen license plate That's a good this is yeah. Yeah, that's a good this is yeah yeah that's a great one it's not we don't even have good crimes anymore like in the 90s it's like Batman and shit I was

like whoa getting mugged crocodile Dundee I was like oh wow there's like that's a violent crime now it's like weird crime like gang scrapping guys going through a house and ripping like an abandoned Or a for sale house and ripping copper out of the walls like what the fuck kind of crime is this? Man flooding it for no reason you used to be able to hammer out nickels and throw them into the quarter machines Like arcades and stuff and now it's all swipe cards like what's the swipes? Yeah What do you mean I can't Play with a bunch of smashed nickels anymore with the swipe everywhere. I feel like I'm a fucking barcode mm-hmm

This sucks. I want like a real thing that I can put in a token man I'm sick of swiping you used to be able to do on like Electrical boxes those little holes that punch out of the side, you can hammer those out a little bit. As quarters? Great. Yeah. Those used to work so good. Man, I just need like an 80s retirement home. Yeah.

Throw him in there, put some Pac-Man in there, put Reagan on the TV all day. Man, throw up Defender, you're good. Have all the orderlies wearing like, dressed up like Rocksteady and Bebop. Yeah, that'd be perfect. Perfect, man. Have them dressed up like the X-Men so you could feel like you're one of them. Yeah, drive me around, I'll drive around like Professor X. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da weird fuck crime that's happening. This new crime is not. New crime sucks.

The new crime is ass, man. Sometimes I don't even know what the profit is. No, it's just to commit something. It's just to commit crimes. Jesus. Sickness. Back in my day, crimes used to mean something, you know? Yeah, that you'd make money.

Yeah. I don't know about this scrapping shit. All right. I've noticed the strange, I mean I guess it's not that strange, but young guys like, they're just cosplaying their dad. I know that's a thing, it's probably been a thing for a while, like right, that's the example, you know, you use that as your example, but like, they're copying their style, like young guys when they hit like 20, like the moustaches and like the way they're copying their style. What like young guys, when they hit like 20, like the mustaches and like the way they're doing their hair and shit, but they just, they don't look the same age as their dad at that period of time because they don't smoke or drink or do

any of those fucking crazy things, you know, the things they deem as making yourself look older. Yeah. So they just look like a weird confused baby with like a baby handlebar mustache Like I don't baby. Oh God, it's certainly an odd. Look It's odd man, you know, it's even crazy even crazier that The shit that's happening now. This is stuff

I think about the shit that 20 year olds are doing now That seems weird and fucked up like they're broccoli hair Twittering weed to each other, whatever the fuck they're doing, they're fucked in music That they're gonna be as old as me right now when my kid is 20 That's too much, that's too much of a gap. That's a About to get real weird. Uh oh. Maybe they'll circle back around. They'll be like, bro! I love Street Sharks too!

We can only hope, man. Yeah! I waited just the right amount of time, so instead of being like opposite of a generation, it turned all the way back around. Right. Whew. Pushed it just out of phase enough.

This is great, man. We got all this shit back around. Right. Whew. Pushed it just out of phase enough. This is great, man. We got all this shit in common. Check out this modem. Ding dong, ding dong, brrr. Whoa, dad, I love that thing. Cool. Just you and your kid have beapers. Let's page each other.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. It looks like a dick. Whoa. Fucking cool, man! Let's watch Baywatch. You know what? I think it's time to start bringing back pagers. Don't call me, don't text me.

You can page me if you want to. Page me. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it is. I just want like an old school pager. I'm kind of sick of just having like everything on the phone. It's too much shit, man.

It's too much. You mean I could take a picture of this thing I just sent an email and fucking made phone calls and fucking stupid texts on. What the fuck? Yeah. Just give me a thing with three buttons on it. Yeah. And then... AI response.

Boop. Well then that way it's easier to forget that I have to call people back, right? Like, oh dude, I just went like, I don't know how to use this pager. You think I know if I, you know. It does kind of seem like guys are cosplaying as their dad. Start wearing polo sport again.

Yeah. Like what? Okay. Is that why all these guys are listening to Steely Dan now? Is that what they're doing? Everyone's like, dude, you gotta get into Steely Dan. I'm like, I've heard those records are fine. I guess there's good separation in the recording, but it's not great. Okay.

You know what they say, Dick? A chain is only as light as its heaviest link. That's true. That's what they say. Mm-hmm. All right. Dick Show. Rage. What makes me. I took PTO. I come back from PTO and my boss Got arrested in jail like the main boss That's not good for my job, is it? No, probably not What do you do for work kind of depends?

Right is it is it elevating the company in a way or? Ruining it. Yeah Is it elevating the company in a way or ruining it? Yeah. Does it mean- It could get arrested and the stocks could go through the roof, you know? Maybe you're gonna get a promotion. I guess.

Yeah, you have to be the next guy to get arrested. Yeah, he's gonna blame it all on you. What's up, Dick? This is Too Long Voicemail guy. You can just call me Alex. Whatever. You know what pisses me off? Fucking... These motherfuckers buying shit for people like MerLogic?

What the fuck? Just because he's pitiful and he likes to fuck Wonder Bread? I mean, you gotta have a shtick? Fuck, man. I just had to drop the Patreon. I'm sorry, but I just got a $12,000 paycheck for being the number one supervisor with the least seniority. Whoa That's fucking suck. Maybe send me some fucking dough dickhead Wait, he'd lost money

Run that back is that he said or he's getting money Balancing whoops getting your can. I just had to drop the patreon. I'm sorry But I just got a $12,000 paycheck for being the number one supervisor with the least seniority. So that fucking sucks. Maybe he got a $12,000 paycheck for being a number one. I thought that's good. Sounds good.

Sounds like it would be good. It means a fucking dope dickhead. Anyways, congrats on the baby. I got two of them. Glass, plastic bottles, whatever. Listen, if you don't want to ever drop a bottle, glass is fine, but parenting is balancing getting your kids exposed to dangerous things and the convenience of life. Like lead.

You're going to have to live with bad decisions. You're going to make some bad decisions and you're going to fuck up just part of it. I'm older than you motherfucker. What are you talking about? If Donald falls through as the name, like I said my name's Alex and my firstborn is named after my favorite comedian in LA so wife was on board with all that she knows who you are. Me? So what the hell? Oh wow that's cool. Anyways, Johnny I'm glad you're there, but damn, I miss Sean. Yeah, I know, me too. I hope that fucker's doing all right. All right. Yeah, me too.

He hath forsaken us. Oh man, I'm losing the name war. Losing the name war? I know, dude. Jeff Bridges named the kid. He named him. That story beats all stories. Where'd you get your name?

Jeff Bridges named me. The big, literally the big Lebowski. Well, no, not even in the movie. The dude. The big Lebowski guy named me. Whoa, that's awesome. My name just came out of a book. I'm just named after my grandpa, You know that's those suck those stories suck

So why your kid is named Grandpa. Yeah, my name is grandpa. Who are you named after? my dad You're never your dad names grandpa. Yeah, my grandpa sucks Grandpa jr. nice to meet you. Grandpa Junior the third. Maybe I'll name him Grandpa. It seems like I'm the only one trying. I get shit for it every day, but I'm the only one trying to innovate.

Look man, innovating is a rough trade. Anyone can have the idea, but to truly innovate. Give him something he can work with. Innovating is a rough trade. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Man, everyone hates me today. I must really be doing some innovating. That's because I'm such an innovator. That's the only response. Because I'm so good at so many things. God. Now I gotta go take apart some consoles and fix them. Let me make sure I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

Hey, hey Johnny. I'm 29. C cups, no kidding. Is it normal to get into like constant fights with your mom at this age? Like every time I talk to her, this guy talks to his mom. Even my dad too, like just time I talk to her, this guy talks to her like even my dad to like, like just your parents, I guess. Yeah. Like about normal stuff to

just kind of like my job book in where I'm at. Modern topics and stuff, you know, so I'm rambling, but yeah, like that normal modern, like your parents, I don't like, is that normal? Modern topics? Give them that many bites with your parents? I don't like doing it. I really don't like doing it. No, it's not normal to get in. Just realize you can't change their mind.

And also they're your parents, dog. They're not your friends. Like your friends are ones you could have modern topic discussions with. What do you talk to your parents like, just don't argue with them, man. Yeah, just don't. If they say something stupid,

you must recognize that that's what parents do, man. It's like how school always sucks. You don't argue with the TV, do you? Put the TV on, oh yeah, Wolf Blitzer, actually you're wrong. This guy yells at the TV. Yeah, yelling at, I mean, arguing with your parents is identical

to arguing with the TV. You're not gonna change their minds. You're there for your own gratification, dealing with them. You only look stupid by opening your mouth and arguing. Look at how wrong this dumb asshole is. Unless you're living with them. Even then. Just be chill, man.

Oh yeah, you think that? What about this? You get one question. That's a good way. You gotta break this habit because you're gonna turn your kids into this too. You turn- I mean, you can argue. You get into like an argument headspace

and you'll argue with everybody. It's just, argue, argue, everybody all the time. It's fucking you argue everybody all the time It's fucking you up dude. You got to limit yourself to one question an argument like hey mom This I'm doing this at work or something. You should be making more money. Do you think I'm not trying and Whatever says that's it. That's your one question. I did with an okay. You think you know better than me Yeah, what were you doing at this point in your life one question? That's it. That's your one question. Edit with an okay. You think you know better than me? What were you doing at this point in your life? One question, that's it.

Okay. Argument over, but it takes, they're not gonna stop. Right, yeah, it's an endless source of arguments. So you're only tormenting yourself there. They might've tried to stop when they were 29, but now that they're 50, they ain't changing. That's the only way they know. Cause then they're going to have to admit

that the last 20 years have they fucked up. That's not happening. When you're 29 and you change course, you only have to admit that you fucked up like five years. If that even. If that, like I didn't make any decisions until I was like 18 and that is hardly a decision, you know?

That's why grooming is illegal. But 25, you should be calling the, you should be making decisions. So if you get to 26, 27, even 32, and you say, okay, the last seven years I fucked up on, but I'm gonna do better, the next seven. Entirely doable. That's doable.

When you hit 30, you can still change. After 30, become the argue guy. Don't bother. You're done. If you're fat, you're fat forever. If you're retarded, you're retarded forever. Yeah, no, once you hit that point, you're just like, you're stuck as who you are.

35, I'm gonna say 30 to 35. If you don't make major changes in your life, you're fucking dead. Yeah. You never will. Dude, I have seen people who have just quadrupled down and you'd see them and you're like, wow, this is a fucked way.

And you see people the same age, full of life and light and all this. And you're like, what did you do? And it's like, oh, I just kept living and learning and it's like, huh. You're telling me you didn't double down on boomer shit and just decide that that was how the world worked and everyone else go fuck themselves?

Like, huh. You get too much momentum otherwise. You hit 50 and you got that momentum, you need 30 years to slow down to stop. It's like a space shuttle. Spaceship. You gotta slow down. Crash right into Earth.

Slow down, man. I can't. I don't have enough time left. Whoop. Speed up, then. Yep. Be a huge asshole. There you go.

Yeah. Slingshot around death. Right now, you're argument fed sitting. You need to be on one side or the other exactly either commit to the arguing bring in a PowerPoint make your mom cry be mr. argument yeah like destiny because doesn't that look great does that look good to you watch see if that appeals to you appeals a lot of people yeah or stop get help yeah probably just stop all right good afternoon dick and Johnny what makes me a rage I'm driving

home on a two-lane highway and just got to the passing lane and the stupid ass that wants to do 55 on the two lane highway now wants to do 70 on the passing lane. And they're slowing down to 55 at the one lane again. Oh and of course it's a Santa Ana Toyota, like this play frame? All you assholes need to stay down there. Quit coming up to Santa Barbara. And Dick, when the kid's born, bring him up here to watch a rocket launch.

They're awesome. To where? Santa Barbara. Oh, they have rocket launches up there? I guess so. Is SpaceX up there? Huh, I didn't know that. Beats the fuck out of me.

Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, I hate everyone else on the road, so I't know that. Beats the fuck out of me. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, I hate everyone else on the road, so I totally get that. Dude, a narrated like traffic channel of just bad traffic, I think people would just watch. Getting angry at traffic, is when every car is self-driving, there'll be like shows of like bad traffic from the 90s or people are what?

Or the 2000s. Like fucking clockwork, I don't know what it is, right? You get one open lane, going cool fucking, you go exactly the speed limit down it, right? And then some asshole goes, oh shit, there's a lane open. That's the fast lane I could get in. So they get over and go the same slow speed. Always right when you're on a good groove.

Yeah. And it's like, hey, what are you doing? What the fuck, what was that all about? Like, you didn't think that the passing lane was to get in here and then pass people and not just go fucking slower? The traffic channel. It'll be like, you're watching a guy,

is this guy gonna, is he gonna zipper it? Is he gonna cut the zipper? Is he gonna he gonna zipper it Is he gonna cut the zipper is he gonna cut the zipper is he gonna cut the zipper? He didn't Right all day just yeah watching traffic. Oh, man. I'm getting so pissed off watching this traffic I'm about to start sweating just thinking about it like oh man these fucking Never got an update. Hey, Deck, we never got that deck update last week. Hopefully, if you didn't do it this week,

you can get to that. It's legal. It's all legal, and I'm not gonna touch it for a while. I gotta put some, like a terrace thing in the, just put a wood with pipes, cheapest possible way to put some like a terrace thing in the just put a wood with pipes cheapest possible way to put some dirt in And I know I know that's gonna be a problem I want to build this to the edge

I want to build it to the edge of the property line and I'm I'm about a hundred and twelve percent certain that The that my neighbor does not know where the property line is Just grossing Bogan Diaz over it it's fine property line is. Just grow some Bogan vias over it, it's fine. I'm gonna go, well, here's the fucking map. I mean, this is from space. Yeah. It's built though, it's great, finally. Fucking A, man. Only took two trucks of concrete. Jesus. Hey Dick, heyhead Johnny what pisses me off or best pisses me off is the fucking slip-ins yeah during the intro after fucking I was it God has it been oh my

god I feel old after ten years of listening to you. Yeah Just like I've been hearing the yeah every morning or every like Monday morning Tuesday morning Fuckin just just now with this tonight. It's just the big yeah Fuck it. It's just not funny. But every time you just like the last two weeks when you just put it Yeah, it's fucking like I cannot stop laughing It's so unfunny when for some reason it just strikes me so fucking funny and it pisses me off that I can't explain to somebody why it's just so funny. Oh my fucking God.

Because it's painful. It just says yeah. That's all it does. That's all it does. That's all it does. That's all it does. That's all it does. Yeah. Yeah. That is funny. It fucking hurts. It's all funny. Yeah.

That's the point. See, it's a... The look on that black lady's face when the black instructor asked her if she wanted a black baby, she said, I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby.

I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby.

I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm going to be a black baby. I'm lady's face when the black instructor asked her if she wanted a black baby, and she didn't care, but you could see in her eyes, if she said, I don't care, the instructor would be humiliated. So the only correct answer was, of course I want a black baby. Why would I not? It would be rude.

It would be rude to say otherwise. That, could you carry like a black baby doll with you? And then just like, oh here, will you hold this for me? You want a black baby? Never heard that one. Oh, you want a black baby? And I'm, I know what's happening here. So I'm like, oh, this is my favorite thing.

Do you? Now let's see. Survey says. If I was a gambling man. Think about it. Don't rush. Don't rush. Think about it.

Do you want, do you want the black baby? Cause these guys have it right here. And I know they want it. It's like the makings of a Tim Robinson sketch. They went right for it. Yeah. Yeah, that would be a good one. Right, right there.

I was at Target with one of my cousins, long time ago. And I said, hey, let's get a doll for your sister while we're here. And we go to the Barbie Isle. And I said, all right, well, you know, pick one. And he goes, this one. And grabs the pick one. And he goes, this one.

And grabs the black one. And I'm like, not that one. And then right on cue, two big black ladies walk around the corner. And I'm like, not that one. And I could see them. I'm like, oh fuck. He goes, why not?

I said, uh... Let's get her one with, uh, different clothes. Like this one. Let's get her a... Business suit. Barbie. Or whatever. Ah, haha.

You really fucked your shit. You little piece of shit. Yeah, what an ass. How do you fucking embarrass me like that? I took me like took him outside? Fuck you do that to me You make me look fucking racist in front of black people black ladies the fuck is wrong with you. I'm not racist your racist You did that on purpose you little piece of shit man, it's always the Like you almost just like had a damn it. Yeah

It's like you almost just like had a- God damn it. Yeah. Almost had a what? No, you're just like, you're almost there, right? Almost just get the no, let's get this and move on. And then one little, one little event occurs and it's like, now this is a thing. You know, the black lady, she wanted to say,

no, that's crazy. But she realized that the person she's speaking to was crazy. You're right. Or that she thought she was crazy. It's an impossible situation. It really is. Man.

And for the whole rest of the class, my wife's just sitting there, why the fuck do I have a Chinese baby? Why was little chinito over here? They write This should have just made like a rainbow spectrum of it here you get the green baby you get the blue baby Yeah, oh look at the black and a gray baby to like the resistance color code, you know Yeah, the stripes on the head. Yeah, the brown baby and a white baby. Yeah like the resistance color code, you know? Yeah, the stripes on the head? Yeah, the brown baby and a white baby.

Yeah, that would be good. OK, goodbye, everyone.