The Dick Show - Episode 464 - Dick on Fat Women Throwing Bicycles

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

A fat woman throws a bicycle, LA erupts in violence and retardation, a fat women encourages the rioters, ICE deports my Home Depot, a protester fights an SUV, some Mexicans light themselves on fire, an AI company is oops all indians, a man falls in love with a robot, my wife throws popcorn away, Maddox tries to cancel Road Rage: Boston, Elon's trans daughter tries out a new voice, and a man makes friends with a hot prostitute; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Oh my God, we're in it now. We're in it. We're in a civil war. How does it feel? It feels like any other fucking day, really. I never thought when the civil war came that I would be on the side of the feds. But here I am standing by, standing back and standing by.

I'm waiting for the text. I'm waiting for the secret encoded message from the president to my email. You know Trump sends emails that say this is a test as the subject. I'm like this come on man. That's a little it's a little shady even for you. It's a bit much. It's a bit much. This is it.

Oh it's a test email. Shit. He fucked up. Oh, didn't fuck up. I fell for it. I fell for it again, award. They're reclaiming California. This is it. This is it, man. This is it.

This is go time. It's now or never. The feds are swooping in. La Migra is coming. You know, they used to be afraid of the La Migra. The Mexicans used to be afraid of the La Migra. They would scatter. No longer.

No longer. Now they're lighting cops' cars on fire, taking a shit on the freeway. Unscrewing things. Mexicans with power drills are going up and down the street unscrewing random screws. Man. What has this world come to? The one day, the one day that I need a day laborer, I'm clearing out, I have to clear out my garage. Right? It looks like a hoarder house, my garage.

I have to clear it out because I don't know why, for some reason I got it in my head that I need to put epoxy flooring on the garage and that this will somehow like fix my life. Like it's all, I've been sober for too long. I've been sober for five weeks minus last night and a couple other nights But you know, it's a mentality next you're gonna finish this fucking room

Yeah, next I'm gonna put some drywall in here to make it nice and echo-y. Sobriety is a mindset. So Basically, I have been sober for five weeks, even though I've gotten wasted a couple times, you know I still wake up every day and think, this sucks, sucks being sober. So I know it's working. But I decided at the height of my sobriety, which was not last night, but the night before, that I really needed to epoxy the garage. I think this happens during summer.

My wife gets off work, you know, she stops working, which means she's home all day. And I start thinking, I gotta get out of here, you know, like the Beagle Boys. I got, I'm breaking out of here, right? Yep. I gotta get the fuck out of here. This is not, this house is suddenly horrible.

I need to leave. Any excuse to swing a hammer and play loud construction music. Ah, I forgot about that part. So I said, I need some, I know what's wrong with my life. I know what's wrong with everything. It all started because of my garage doesn't have an epoxy floor.

I don't wanna go in there and get my feet dirty. Okay? Then I get the, I don't want big feet prints all over everything when I come in, you know? I'm going there, I'm looking for my shoes, taking my shoes off, getting yelled at for that. I need a nice epoxy floor in the garage.

So I get a guy to do it and he says, okay, make sure the garage is clear before we start on Tuesday. I said, isn't that kinda your job? You know, but of course not. I have to clear it out myself. So I go, okay, you know, how hard could this be? It's just an entire, I've moved stuff before.

I've moved houses before. I've moved apartments before. How hard could this be? I go out and see the Sex doll that's half Terminator On the ground first first right I walk into the garage immediately the first thing on the floor is a half Terminator sex doll that's been rotting and slowly destroyed by

It's about to start resting I imagine. She's got a rusty vagina. That's what I call by. It's about to start rusting, I imagine. It's got a rusty vagina. That's what I call her. That's her name. Used to be Raven, now it's Rusty Vagina. Spelled with an F, so I can put it online. Rusty Vagina. I like that.

Hi, my name's Rusty Vagina. So I say, well, this won't do. I can't have this. I gotta get rid of this sex doll. Today's the day I'm getting rid of the sex doll, right? I say, first I need some garbage bags so the neighbors don't think I threw a woman away because it looks exactly like my wife.

You know, basically, if you're walking down the street and you see a leg sticking out of my trash can, you might think, and some of her hair coming out, you might think it's my wife in the garbage. And I finally got sick of, you know. In a cannonball position? Yeah, I try to fold this bitch up. I don't know how guys fuck these sex dolls, because I'm like, what I'm doing trying to throw her away is basically the same as trying to have sex with the sex doll in every way. I'm

folding her around on the ground, rolling her around. I don't want to involve my- the last thing I want to do in this endeavor is involve my my penis my erect penis And that in this in some way, you know Chop it chop it right off if it was soft Yeah, sure that fucker can take abuse when it's soft you could twist it up tie it in knots I've seen I've seen guys do this is practicing jujitsu on it on my wiener. No the sex doll Yeah, yeah Get in the leg. Wrestling with this bitch with her Terminator arms. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Various locks

And her ass is all coming apart like and it's grossing me out because I'm like there's like big jiggling boobs in my face But there's like a Terminator exos like like I'm, it's not unlike handling a corpse. So I put trash bags on her. I bend her up into a little ball, in a fetal position and put trash bags on her. I go to throw her away, grab her, immediately throw my back out, like, oh! Ah!

This goddamn, this goddamn thing. So she makes it to the front of the garage, not the garbage like I had intended. And I say, fuck me, how the fuck am I gonna empty this garage out? I know, I'll get some Mexicans. Boom, ice raid. You gotta be fucking, My citizen alert pops up.

The Home Depot that you go to, right down the street, is being raided by ice. Like fuck, alright, I'll go to the other Home Depot. Ten minutes later, bling! The Home Depot, the other Home Depot, up San Fernando with the shitty parking lot. The parking lot that's way too long is now being raided by ice

and I'm looking and I'm watching all my garage cleaners running away Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo too long is now being raided by ice and I'm looking and I'm watching all my garage cleaners running away. No. No! No! Get back here! Run to my house, one of you!

I'll hide you! I'll hide you, Mexicanos! Come into my house! All I demand is that you help me move my sex doll out of the garage. Amigos. And then you can live in my basement. You can live in my crawlspace. You can carve out a little pueblo in there and live in the mountains like our Aztec ancestors and you can call to each other.

You can have a little enclave under my house, under my deck. You can live with the animals. All I ask is that you please throw my sex doll in the trash and that you keep the ranchero music at a minimum volume under five hours a day. That's as much ranchero music as I can take. And that you keep the horchata to a minimum as well. I don't want the smell of rotting milk from the basement. People are gonna think it's me.

You can live, come live over here. Come live under my house. You know, one of these fuckin' Mexican guy, this motherfucker charges me 600 bucks to clean the weeds out of my yard, right? Pick the weeds. And I'm like, alright. Usually takes these guys like two days to do it, you know? That sounds fine. He gets done in like five hours and he comes up and I'm done. I'm like, what?! Six- for 600 bucks you're done in five hours. God damn what the fuck did I?

Where I go back there totally clean? I'm like what the fuck why does this take three guys two days to do usually? Cuz I don't know I don't know much. I show let's go Fine, here's your money. He gets in his I said what about this tree? Can you take care of this tree branch? He goes, I didn't bring my chainsaw. I was like, okay, of course not. Why would you, why would you have a, you know, why would you have that?

Thought I was right when you need something, man. Right when I need them. I watch him speed away in his little Toyota that they all share to drive to work. Waymo, Mexican Waymo. They all have that one little red Toyota that they drive. They share it like a zip car. Is that why you see all those mattress trucks driving around? Is it because they're stacked in between each mattress? Yeah. Easier transport that way. Yeah. They hop off. Whee! Hop off where there's Trabajo. I watch him speed away and I look at the front

yard. You fucking forgot the front yard! You god damn it! If I go down to, I don't know how am I going to clean my garage with Trump's war on the Mexicans, which I support, you know. Obviously, I find myself in a position of having to remind people that Cesar Chavez, I'm watching all this beautiful mayhem and protesting, fires of freedom being set on the freeway, jeeps being lit on fire, federal ICE agents being locked in a warehouse, I think they did this.

Some amigos of mine locked the federales in a warehouse, which is ironic because ICE's entire job is taking people in and out of buildings, and yet they were locked in a building themselves. Irony, I think, is lost on both sides. But I'm watching this go down with the Cesar Chavez Ravine, which is what they call the Dodger Stadium area. That's what they call it, Cesar Chavez Ravine, because this land is Mexico, essentially. Cesar Chavez Ravine. Did you know that there weren't even

really that many Mexicans here when the US took over California? That's what I've heard. Like a thousand. 1500. Just 1500. Half of them were named Jose. Yeah, did you know that? I didn't.

Yeah, there weren't any... I always thought this was like Mexico's land, But apparently there's a bunch of Native Americans here, and then the gold rush happened and fucking 10,000 white people showed up And Chinese showed up. I was gonna say so it's not actually it's not actually Mexican. It's not actually Mexico That came later. I didn't know that so they're doing some cultural erasure as well listen LA is the battleground. Everyone, everyone likes to be cute on the internet and say, oh Dick when are you leaving LA? When are you leaving California? When are you leaving Commie-Fornia? I am fighting for you, I'm never leaving Commie-Fornia. I'm never leaving Los Angeles.

I'm fighting these bastards right here and you should be too, actually. You should be fucking moving here. Because whatever happens in LA happens to the rest of the world. I don't know if you fucking morons haven't grok to that yet, but whatever happens here

is gonna happen to you in about 20 years. So you better be a little bit more supportive of what's happening here And what's happening right here right now? It's fucking Civil War Yeah, man Rounding these fuckers up Traffic was awfully light on the way over here. Was traffic light? Yeah. Yeah? I couldn't-

Everybody in traffic was wearing their seatbelt today, as it turns out. I saw that. Remarkably light. Home Depot parking lot, totally empty. Devoid of...trabajo...today. Yes we have no Trabajo. Yes, we have no Trabajo today at the Home Depot. Hey, can I get somebody to help clean out my garage? No. Shouldn't have voted for Trump. Ah, man. Fuck you. Which is oh, yeah that now I remember looking out at the beautiful Cesar Chavez ravine in the background I'm looking at the Cesar Chavez ravine in the background.

I'm looking at the Cesar Chavez ravine. The Home Depot is right in front of it where La Migra showed up with their white horses and whips and they're whipping the buns of the Mexicans. Andale! Arriba, Mexicanos! Andale, andale! Cesar Chavez paid illegally for his own deportation squad. Did you know that? I did. He paid for his homies, the farm laborers, to go round up illegal Mexicans and chuck their ass back across the border.

Mm-hmm. He was a slumlord, too, I believe. Yes. He was a slumlord too, I believe. Yes. He got his guys to link arms at the Rio Grande repel illegal Mexicans coming in linked arms like this not I don't know if he's a smart man, but Probably second only to Stephen Miller little for hating illegals or Rojo Rover. Mm-hmm

Rojo Rover Sent Mm-hmm. Rojo Rover. Send Trebajo on over. And then our, maybe this is too much L.A. for people, but our mayor is this like ET looking bitch, black woman by the name of Karen Bass, who was in, first thing she did when she got elected is go to Uganda. I remember that. Start, you know...

You know, I don't... Just like... For... I don't know what she's saying there, like, Hey, we did it, Africa, we're now in charge of LA. Which is true. They are. Talking... She's talking on behalf of Mexicans, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Every election we have is fake and fraudulent. Takes him like two months to count the fucking votes here. Every politician we have in LA and California is there fraudulently

or is there because we've dumped like, it's like 40% of LA is foreign, I think. I wish that was an exaggeration, but it's not. Like half the city. So this was always gonna be, always gonna be, what's a big, like, what's a big important battle in any other war? Ooh. Do you know anything about any wars?

I don't. I don't know anything about anything, you had the correct question. I don't even know Wait, I know I know Marvel's Yeah, it's a good X-Men battle Yeah, the what's a good X-Men battle. I don't even know fucking. I don't even know fake wars fuck It was always my point is it was always gonna be here. It's always gonna be here Trump's gonna march in I That fucker better, that motherfucker better roll into LA

with a tank that's made out of other tanks and roll over the goddamn, LAPD is on Twitter this morning. Everything's totally fine. There's no violence of any kind. Motherfuckers are throwing bricks at the feds, which I like, get those, nobody could, it's win-win, you know? Up the, you got this bitch, look at this fucking,

look at this tub of shit on TV today, saying to escalate, you gotta escalate the protests. Escalate the protest, she says. Look at this pile of tub of, look at this lard ass tub of shit. Let me get a good pic of her. Look at this, look at this bunker bus thing. Look at her, bah, bah, bah, bah.

LA city council member, Weenis? Weenus Hernandez? Ewenus? Ewenises. That's not a real name. That's not a name. Ewenises Hernandez. Weenises.

Weenises. All right, Weenises Hernandez is encouraging the LA. What did she actually say? Let's see. Wow, widescreen. Still not doing her any favors. Let's see. They know how quickly we mobilize. That's why they're changing tactics. Because community defense works and our resistance has slowed them down before. And if they're escalating their tactics,

then so are we. When they show up, we gotta show up even stronger. When they show up, we gotta show up even stronger. Jesus. Trump's gotta send in a, we gotta get a fat woman just that size, you know? Like in a Marvel when the, when like the juggernaut on the cover when it was like the Incredible Hulk on the other side, right? Yeah, she looks battle ready, man. She's battle, she's battle ready. We need a bitch on our side that's at least that big, maybe even bigger. I don't know where we're... Trump's gonna have to go to maybe Mississippi, somewhere in the south. We have a Republican bunker buster of this size that we can wheel out, put on a flatbed, and bring her across the

country and drop her in LA. We don't have we don't have bitches like that on our side in LA I know that But we were gonna need them. We're gonna we're gonna need them is what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, you know All right It's beautiful I'm hooked on it I'm hooked on it. I'm hooked on the gloom. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I was about this close to threatening a doctor to get an MRI this week. That's cool. Can you guys like, I see the machine, nobody's in it, can I go give it to myself? You're supposed to eat a bunch of buckshot and then go in the MRI machine.

I really feel like I would just get better service if I went in there with a gun. I need, I'm taking myself, give me an MRI or went in there with, you know, a gun. Okay, I need... I'm taking myself... Give me an MRI or this guy gets it, you know? One of these. Then I'm gonna need to shrink. Little blazing saddles action in there? Yeah, blazing... I know none of you have seen this movie, so that's why I can do it.

Mm-hmm. That's fine. You guys are like... You wouldn't even think it's funny, you know? They couldn't make the movie today. You guys wouldn't watch it Tell your dad that this happened to you at work You know that motherfuckers ripping off blazing saddles what it's this movie that they couldn't make today Yeah, cuz I already made it Bingo you got it

Saying what saying what no one's saying. Who are you who are you rooting for in the riots? Feds. I found some guy I found some guy on Twitter who like tracks GPS data of people at protests. It's pretty fucking crazy actually. Look at this. This is crazy what this guy has. So he tracks the GPS stuff. I mean it's his company, I don't know. He works for the government.

He tracks the GPS stuff of people at the protests. And this guy, like the iconic photo of the riot, of this riot, there's this dude with a, was that a, dude with a bandana around his face on a motorbike with a Mexican flag tied to an ass wiping. I don't know what this is. It's not a flagpole. You know, pretty well done. See, this is why you think he's Mexican,

because you put these zip ties on a flag on a mop. It's actually a giant ass wiping demonstration. He's about to show you how to use it. So this guy says, check this out. He's got his GPS. His company does GPS tracking on all these like protesters. And they tagged this guy at every pro Hamas,

pro Palestinian protest, all three Kamala Harris rallies. And he goes nightly to a $2.1 million home. So he's like a paid straight-up paid Rabble rouser from Venezuela this guy says Yeah, isn't that crazy? That's insane how much of this shit is just totally fake now I

You know I don't know I'm hoping this stuff works though, because maybe they get that guy that every, every time something happens to one of these guys, I'm hoping, come on, be that guy that brained me at the Netflix. Right. That guy, Eric Boyd.

He's gotta still be doing this stuff, right? I'm sure. Doing bad guy stuff, getting juiced up at his CrossFit gym and. Well, why else do people go to protests if not... Yeah. To finally get in on a piece of something. Yeah, he's got to be there.

This is a good one too. Here is a guy that finally, here's a roadblock head. Let me find... Roadblock heads, man. You remember those guys? I remember those guys. I remember those guys What did I put it under? Oh, yeah run over dead here? We go they were shitty and Gumby and they're even shittier in real life man those motherfuckers fucking block blockheads man

All right, here's a guy and hits his head. This is a guy that decided to stop this SUV that decided to stop this SUV. There's another perspective of him that's even funnier. Let me try to find it. Where are my bookmarks? Okay. So he tries to stop this federal SUV. And I think maybe he thought in his mind that

Other people would try to help him out or that they would stop or something like that Watch as the person in front falls But they just keep him running backwards until Whoops! Hahahaha Hahahaha God damn Hahahaha Hahahaha Oh man Oh

Man what are we kind of things you see when the back of your skull Oh And hits his head on boom carnage skull fracture good night brain damage take that migra is here Wham Out of the fucking road get out of the road People don't understand man just cuz you're standing out there like, what are you gonna do? Hit me? I'm gonna sue you. It's like, well you're dead. This isn't the Chinese army that you're dealing with. It's the US federal government. They will run your ass over. Like this. This is head off the ground and fuck. Oh, hey whoa whoa whoa stop, stop, he's actually hurt.

Yeah, that's why I was driving right at him, to hurt him. Oh. That just seemed like it was an injury. I don't even know, I don't even know whose side is what anymore. We got paid for pro, obviously paid for protesters, obviously they're paid for. I know these fucking, these LA Mexicans are not are not you know up early on a Saturday

hey let's let's go let's go protest no I don't think so those motherfuckers aren't getting out of bed for anything under 600 bucks anymore inflation hit them like the price of Mexican day laborers. That's how you measure inflation Oh, the other shit takes a while to like climb up steadily, but those guys are their next day That'll be six oh five actually inflation's up today Look at this James

Was that guy that ran over the protesters in Charlottesville? And we watched these people... Oh, and he destroyed their bicycle! Man! Whammerino! Oh no, that Mexican lady threw her bicycle at him. ...and then immediately took off... Yeah, she...

This... The third gender. Mexicans have a third gender where they get so fat, you don't know which it is. Right. You know, it's just got that queen of hearts looking mouth. Bop bop bop bop. From Alice in Wonderland, you know?

Bop bop. Bop bop. Right? Ay, bop bop bop. Oye, puto! Bop bop bop. Bop bop. They all have the same voice too.

Yeah. I saw one of them... Maybe it was the same lady. I saw one at the store. Down the street. Also throwing her bicycle. Maybe that's a New Mexican thing. They don't throw their shoes anymore.

They throw their bicycles. Huh. This bitch. This bitch was in there screaming. They throw their bicycles. Huh. This bitch, this bitch was in there screaming about something, probably trying to steal something, and she got caught. So, you know, it's everybody else's problem. Every time. Yeah, yeah, and I'm watching like, oh, yeah, awesome. I pull out my... on... Okay, you know, settle down, settle down.

OK, you know, you can't you can't leave with it. You didn't pay for it. And she got so upset, takes her Peewee Herman looking bicycle, fucking throws it at the guy. And it like, you know, a little Mexican lady can't throw a bicycle. What are you thinking? There's a whole grocery store full of shit, and you're throwing a bicycle? She's like, huh, flinging a bicycle at him in the self-checkout lane, you know, stealing.

The reason that we can't have self-checkout lanes, right? Fucking stealing ass bitch. Throws her bicycle at him, and then she, I was, you know, following her. She's pissed off. She goes outside and Her husband's waiting their husbands like a duplicate of her, but with a cowboy hat and a mustache It's like Tweedledee and Tweedledum, but the man had a mustache and a cowboy hat his mustache was a little more filled in Yeah, he had a bigger mustache than her and a slightly bigger cowboy hat. The woman has a slightly... the woman of the species, the female, has a smaller cowboy hat and a dainter mustache and a unibrow. The mustache

is on her head. The male has a mustache above his mouth and a bigger, slightly bigger cowboy hat. It's hard to tell them apart if you don't want to look at the, you know, for the penis. So she runs out there. She's like, you gotta get in there. Like they're disrespecting me. And then her son comes up and he's got that. Every fucking Mexican family. They have so many kids and cousins and stuff that they run through like all the combinations

of the gene pool, like all the permutations So every Mexican family has one of these it is like a big dopey looking guy who's probably gay And he's like a like he's got the thick everything like you know thick the wrists at like a like a Simpsons Hey arms and hands And everything and feet and stuffick shit house motherfucker, man. Yeah, she's like, go in there. You gotta go in there. He's like playing on his phone.

He's like, no, I don't wanna. Where she just threw her bicycle. He's like, I'll just watch the bicycle. So I was there and I'm like, man, I really want to steal this bicycle. They both go in like oh man I should really that would have been the funniest move my trucks right there. I could just throw it in the truck That's a classic move

Was like now I got a kid. I don't want to get killed in this I don't want my wife to learn about my death on the citizen app at home man shot for stealing peewee Herman ass looking bicycle at the Super A shot by a cow- Mexican cowboy Yeah, there's something we watched wham oh Goodbye bike There's something what we're gonna say I would say there's something extremely devious about stealing a homeless person's bike, but goddamn it's some of the- if you get to see it happen

Yeah, that's some of the funniest shit you can imagine. Have you seen somebody steal a homeless person's bike? Oh boy, have I seen it. What happened? Your homeless stories are great You know, I have too many of them. Live.dick.show Boston. Boston is June 21st, I think? Whatever, that's Saturday. Yeah, 21st. Oh my god, it's next...

It's next week? It's two weeks? Two Shabbuses from now. Two Shabbuses from now? Holy shit. Holy shit, indeed. Okay, well, were you gonna come to Boston, come hang out with us and Carl?

What were you gonna say? Oh So yeah, it's um You see two homeless people getting in a fight and then a third one comes up Realizes he can take something from me either of them Ends up with the bike and just bones out and is gone And then comes riding back By later just to make sure. To taunt them?

Yeah. What's up? Ring ring. And it's just. You got it all decked out, some streamers. Hey, how do you like the streamers I put on my bike? Ring ring. Like some tacos and shit.

And it's just like, what the fuck is happening? It's, you know, it was a lot more visceral than that, but God damn. When the home, when it's a friendly fire. Yeah. Homeless on homeless crime. Yeah, in that community. So to speak, it's very. We need like how the NFL does when they,

they have bounties for tackles and stuff. I need like a homeless bounty program or like steal all, steal homeless people's clothes and bring it all to me and I'll burn it and I'll give you 25 cents for every homeless clothes you bring me. It's gonna be hard to get new clothes if you're homeless. It's gotta be right? They don't live for some reason they make their places, they make their houses like way the fuck away from like a grocery store. That's right if I was homeless I would live in next right next

to the dumpster at a grocery store Or I just go squat find a house that has a for sale sign. Yeah, and you know living at a house Idiot yeah fucking stupid homeless people But at least live next to a grocery store if you're gonna live in a tent and be an asshole You know yeah, you get first crack at the thrown- food. The assholery knows no bounds, man. But they're dumb. They live in like freeway underpasses and shit. Yeah.

Like the worst place possible. It's fucking crazy, man. Walking around with two trash bags and it was just like full of all their belongings. Yeah, steal the homeless, that's my bounty. Yeah. I'll give you 25 cents for every trash bag of, and I know you can't fake it

Yeah, you know if you can fake it you wouldn't be homeless because that's what we're all doing. So yeah Man, it was crazy. I used to um, I Guess I didn't really have sympathy for him to begin with but I did I kind of did right? But then I was doing posters one night on Sun's, you know where Sunset turns into Silver Lake? Yeah, so around there. There's this whole tent kind of city along the strip right doing posters fine put them up all the sudden See this bright light and turn around someone has a fucking 72 inch TV in the fucking tent hook them to the streetlight pole And then another person is like now on speakerphone and on Skype and

Then you Skype I Talking to other homeless people. I guess so. I heard the fucking time like who the fuck is like Why is it coming from every direction all the ones like what the fuck's going on and then unmarked Mercedes pulled up? Yeah, no plates. No nothing. Yeah Got into the first tent five minutes came out came out, and we just sold crack to all these homeless people. What the fuck? Yeah.

And then got back in the car and left in like 20 minutes. And I was just like, what the fuck was that? What the fuck's going on? All of a sudden, you just smell all that burning plastic and it's like, Jesus Christ, I gotta get the fuck out of here. But after seeing that, I was like, oh yeah, they're all bad. Fuck you guys. Here's something from the rioters. This is a gentleman.

He's protesting for Mexico by taking an attack hammer and smashing these concrete bollards. I don't know what the thinking is here. Is it too loud? I can turn it. I'll turn it way down. Yeah, there he goes. Said whoever paid for this protester might want like a refund. Cause... I don't know how smashing these concrete stumps...

You're gonna be there all- That's like what they used to make prisoners do. Right? But they said it was cruel and unusual. You can't do that anymore. He's doing it for some fun. For fun, yeah. I'll show you. I'll show you, Feds. Here's what I think of your precious concrete post. Take that.

Take that. Yeah, okay, well. The smallest hammer. Yeah, I know. You get a sledgehammer. Somebody get that guy a sledgehammer somebody get that somebody get that guy a sledgehammer Yeah, I got one just make sure I get it back you won't though. Yeah, you steal it It's gone you break the sledgehammer somehow fuck playing around with it Playing around in a stupid video with it trying to smash like a car or something you get a run over like oh great

Thanks now my now my sledgehammer is ruined man I just now me the Mexican I'm my sledgehammer is ruined by you the white Antifa guy how's that for irony it's just so weird oh I see what you're using them again. They're throwing the concrete pieces. Oh, they're making their... I just read the headline. They're making their own concrete bricks. Oh, like Minecraft. They're doing Minecraft. Oh, shit.

Now I got these two bricks. Now I'm going to throw them at the feds. I'm going to craft myself a scent. I don't think this is going to work like it did last time, where you guys just got away with all this stuff I think they're probably gonna kill you. Yeah I think I think you guys are kind of out of money for Bailouts and stuff. I think they're just gonna throw you in jail. Here's Here's some more DIY Roadblocks some crafting. Yeah, here's some more mine crafting They did a, uh...

We know life imitates art, Dick. Yeah, this is, this is, uh, the Mexicans set up a... I mean, they're Venez... I don't want to, I don't want to shit on Mexican handicraft. This is clearly Venezuelan work. I can tell that I know all types of incompetent craftsmanship. This is a Venezuelan, um level of incompetence here.

The Venezuelan protesters, the Venezuelan Mexican protesters have put cinder blocks uh on their, on their side on the least stable way to put a cinder block, which is on its little skinny side, sticking straight up. And then they've stuck brooms through them, like you'd see in like a Napoleonic war era military campaign, like a bunch of guys, like the 300, like sticking their pole arms out in case the charging you know

Horse riders would run into them run into their pole arm and get skewered They've stuck they've done this with mops like retards Venezuelan phalanx yeah the Venezuelan phalanx Here's oh, yeah for sure fuck Trump and. And then some more sticks, I guess. Alright, I don't think that's gonna work. Let's see. Do I have anything else? Oh yeah, they s- they've spread out chicken wire at some places downtown.

Look at this. What the f- they took apart their chicken coops. They're using everything they have, like uh... Mexican MacGyvers are unrolling the chicken wire on the street. Um... I don't know if that works either, fellas. Let's see. And then here, uh... Here, of course, is the uh... setting stuff on fire. Let me see this one. Okay.

Oh, that's a good one. That's a, that's a good fire. They got there. Yeah. Here's another one. Uh, I had one where they were lighting a Jeep on fire. I don't know if I have that one though. Let me see. Oh yeah. Lighting a Jeep on fire. Here we't know if I have that one though. Let me see. Oh yeah,

lighting a Jeep on fire. Here we go. This was almost an own goal. Yeah. They're dumping gasoline on the engine, right? Mm-hmm. I don't know why the engine is it more flammable than the rest of the car whatever they really wanted they really hated the engine is Jeep and then there's a lot of gas it's fire and Eh, okay. Yeah, you got it. You got it. The guy gives no warning. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAY. Oh no, no, no, Micho, no, don't just, but don't just walk up and this guy's still dumping gasoline on the Jeep Jesus As this guy comes over and drops a match on it Whoa! How did you think it was gonna go there, buddy? Wow!

Zero survival instinct Oh! Even where you're standing with the video is not safe. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. Yeah, nice. But they apparently sent those two guys straight to hell. You could even see him running away in the background, But they know when my deck is out of compliance.

Light as many cars as you want on fire. So I guess I'll be breaking my own back, moving the stuff out of my garage. What were you going to say? At least you got your deck finished before all this. Before all this. Yeah, I'd be sitting on a half finished. Right in the nick of time, man. I hope they get the guy that fucked up my door,

that made the railing crooked. That'll be nice. Hmm. That knocked the tree down, front yard without. That's fucking funny, dude. That's. I saw this Korean homeless guy outside of that, outside of that blood line. I saw dude. I saw this Korean homeless guy outside of that blood lab that I went to in the ghetto.

Oh yeah, how was that? Where they sell your blood next door. I saw this Korean homeless guy outside of the blood lab and he was just like staring off, smoking, staring off into the distance. I've never seen this look on a homeless person's face before. Like, how did you get homeless with that? First of all, being Korean, odd. That's a rare.

Yeah, you don't have like a family and stuff. I mean, the other homeless people I get, but, because you can't be around them for literally one second. There is not one second where they're just Not spurging out and acting like assholes. No, they're this guy's Calmly smoking a cigarette like wow Huh? I don't think you I think there's been some sort of a mistake here And I wanted to ask him but I didn't want to get stabbed Yeah, you know that could have triggered, you, if you give a mouse the cookie, right?

Right. Exactly. Don't you ever... No, no, no. It was right after that person got stabbed for saying hello to a homeless guy. Good morning! Ah! Not so good morning. I was like, you and me both, buddy.

Mm-hmm. Sigh. It's like, damn, I really fucked up. I really fucked up my life. Let's see, Elon's trans daughter. You know, did you see that Elon Musk was melting down in an obviously ketamine-induced, fucking, Spurgout Spaghetti Festival?

Yeah, what was that all about, man? God, I fucking hate ketamine. Mm-hmm. Everybody's on it. Getty Festival. Yeah, what was that all about? God, I fucking hate ketamine. Mm-hmm. Everybody's on it. Every single person's on fucking ketamine. They all act exactly the same. Annoying.

Yeah, Elon's called Trump a pedophile. Man. Elon's called Trump a pedophile. Man. It's like, man, I don't think you should be, um... Just the restraint that Trump has... Right. Not making fun of Elon for having a trans kid... Is really... I couldn't do it. Someone's calling me a pedophile on the internet.

They've got a trend, you know. Look man, Trump's a professional. He is. He really, he said it's he said more by saying nothing. He's, because I'm putting the jokes in my head. Right. Well he's been an asshole in the sphere of things forever. Yeah he's been an asshole forever. Yeah. Elon's like autistic. It's like new money, yeah. Yeah, he's like a new asshole. Yeah. He doesn't really know how to do it. Mm-hmm.

He doesn't realize that, Elon doesn't realize that when you're being an asshole, the point is to hurt someone. Legally. Right. So he's just kind of like an asshole, but you're like, who are you hurting? It doesn't seem like you're trying to hurt someone. He's hurting himself, yeah. Yeah, you're hurting yourself. When Trump's an asshole, it's like, ooh, ooh, man It doesn't seem like you're trying to hurt someone. He's hurting himself, yeah.

Yeah, you're hurting yourself. When Trump's an asshole, it's like, ooh, man. He says it, usually. Yeah. And then right on cue, Elon's daughter went on the Hassan Piker show and did a dance and debuted her her new voice Are you interested in that at all?

You know, that's I mean I Mean I don't I don't know man. There's just a lot of own goals happening here Johnny. It kind of is Hey, what's up everyone, you know, I know that everyone I hate my dad and he's really fucking up. Check out the my new girl voice. Nah, that wasn't necessary was it? Let me see if I can hear it. Check, check. Okay, I got a little bit of a hearing.

Yeah. That's crazy. Okay, that's Hasan. Yeah. Wait, did she did she say it? Watch it again. No, no, no, no. Hold on. Did she say it? Did she say anything? No, not in that one. It's crunchy, but that's not entirely. Johnny. Oh, come on, man. Come on, guy. Come on, buddy. Harley! That's fr- Johnny Ohhhhh Come on man, come on guy Come on buddy What was that again?

Let me hear that again I thought I heard some sort of a muppet was in the room or something There's gonna be a frog in your throat Here it comes I mean Wasn't that that- wasn't there a bird character on the Kids in the Hall Show?

I think... I think I gotta go. Someone say, welcome back, Tiny Tim. Is that how the joke format goes? Ma'am, I think you need to see a doctor. What the fuck? Jesus. What the fuck is happening here? What happened to this lady's voice? That's not entirely crazy. Sound like things bother you never bother me, you know

Who is this charming lass That's beautiful voice. What are you? What are you thinking? What the fuck is going on? Sleep sleep it off Take a nap. However, however you got to this place, just sleep it off. Just get some rest. Jack off. Close. Take a Vicodin. Close the app. Shut the apps down. Uninstall the apps. Man. Can't do- I can't do the voice.

Hahahaha. I can't do the voice Wow you really hate your dad whoa Me too though me too. I hope Trump. You know drone strikes his ass take this motherfucker out So I cry real asshole moves. Yeah Name her name this This young lady like I don't know woman of the year or something Wow That would be yeah, that's a good Hassan sitting there. It was straight face. What the hell? What the fuck's happening here? What do you want? Did you get a lobotomy? How you sit there with that shit happening? Did you get a lobotomy? How you sit there with that shit happening?

If a woman made that sound I go what the fuck is going on? That's not a right sound How weird would the sound have to be for you to react for somebody of like Hassan to react? Oh, right right for someone like him to respond Yeah, that'd be like Helen Keller in the room Just a little levity I Didn't make the fucking I didn't make the sound I Would have told her did not do that so it's not my fault what the fuck hey could you like not from the future yeah you don't debut your special voice today it actually ruins your whole thing people are like what what the hell is

that I don't want to vote like that man the same thinking goes into voting as went into hey guys check out this check out this kick-ass voice that I got for you today believe that right then that mentality went and voted, right? So I think we, oh man, I'm prepared to be disappointed, but I just hope that the feds roll tanks into LA and burn every government building down and drag all of our local politicians around the city for crimes that they did commit. This is what I'm describing as illegal

process, you know, of treason and for treason and treachery. I'm hoping a little tiny bit, I'm allowing myself the pleasure of hoping a little tiny bit that Trump has become the supervillain that we needed the whole time. He's so pissed after they tried to kill him and put him in jail that he at least lets Stephen Miller, who I think is from Santa Monica, you know, the guy that looks like Maddox, like a good version, the realized, the actualized Maddox, who looks like Maddox, like a good version, the realized, the actualized Maddox, who looks like Maddox that is like the opposite of him in every way, but is like-

The finished Maddox. The what? Finished Maddox. The finished Maddox, yeah. The punished Maddox. The Maddox that picked correctly at every point and became second to the president, right? Looking exactly like he does.

That motherfucker went on TV one time, Stephen Miller, you know, the guy who hates illegals and stuff? He went on TV one time with spray-painted his own hair. Let me see if I can find that. That's cool. That's fuckin' awesome! He went on TV with spray-painted hair. Stephen Miller, uh, spray-paint hair. Yeah, there we go.

Oh, man. Look at Yeah, there we go. Oh man. Hahaha! That's insane. And this guy woke up, this guy woke up after this, after trying to pull this over everyone, after trying to pull this like spray job. This looks like a, uh, looks like the felt on like a Chinese toy, you know? He's got a hairline like what? Dragon Ball Z character or something.

Like what the fuck is that? Did I ever tell you about the time my nephew, my nephew drew a face on the other nephew? No. The fucking older one obviously did this. He took a giant Sharpie and fucking drew angry eyebrows because he really loved Terry from from Smash Brothers

Terry Beauregard or whatever. Oh, yeah, Terry Beauregard. Yeah, Terry Beauregard So he so the one the older one boy drew on the younger one's face. He was like six five or six He drew angry eyes and He drew sideburns and he drew Like the boxing tape on his arms on his hands He came out the little one came out and said check this shit out to his mom, right? And she said what the you know what the fuck is the matter with you so then he started crying the one the other one took the older one took a picture of him crying with all the shit all over his face like angry

eyebrows it's like my favorite picture because he's like sobbing and he's got these angry ass eyebrows and fucking Elvis sideburns drawn in black Sharpie That's what this looks like Yeah fucking crazy And he did this and everyone knows it and he still got up the next morning and is still being evil um April well see he probably did that as like a thing for evil empowerment, right?'s like, I know everyone's gonna talk shit about this.

So he preempted, like, here's how I'm gonna redestroy him. Yeah, I'm gonna pre-destroy him. I'm gonna show them who the real evil is. So then he comes out already thinking about all the hairline jokes, and he's like, cool, I'm past that. He's already like, cool, what if I just took all your rights away? Like like oh shit. You can really think about my hairline when you're writing the fucking yeah fucking Mexico It's all part of a larger plan

It's God's plan I Can't eat I can't eat popcorn anymore cuz I got the Botox in my face. What are you going to eat? I don't know. It really sucks because that was like the only thing that I really enjoyed. It's probably the only thing that I just 100% enjoyed was eating popcorn. Everything else, even stuff that I like, I don't like a little bit also, right?

But the popcorn and eating the popcorn was the only thing that I had that I 100% liked. And now I can't do it because the Botox has like, it's like tiring and I don't want to fuck up my ears more because I still don't know. Nobody knows what the problem is. Nobody knows what the problem is. Nobody knows what the problem is! And to get an MRI, I have to, you know...

I don't know what the lie... It's like a quick time event with doctors, where you don't know what lie will get you what you want. Like, yeah, I need an MRI. My ear doctor doesn't have any appointments for a month, lie will get you what you want. Like yeah, I need an MRI. My ear doctor doesn't have any appointments for a month, so I can't go see any fucking ear doctor to get it, even though he wrote on there,

if the ringing keeps going, do an MRI. I can't go to the fucking hospital to do it, so I just walk into the regular doctor, and like I need a fucking MRI. She goes, well, you know, usually that's not the protocol. I'm like, well, I'm gonna throw this fucking chair out the window if I don't get it. How's that for? Protocol like I don't know I got a fucking I got a goddamn I've had a ringing my ear for fucking six weeks. Can you empathize with fucking can you empathize with that? Can you think?

Where that the kind of mindset that that puts someone? Because I got a weight behind you know Can I put some in? Cause I got to wait behind, you know, 200 illegals that need to see the doctor for their, your problems first. I forget why I was even talking about this. Well, maybe your lines will be shorter now too. Yeah, all the appointments opened up. So I can't eat the popcorn.

I went to see a movie with my wife and she's like, well I'll eat, I'll get popcorn still. I'm like, okay. She gets a small, like, ugh. It's like going to a bar right after an AA meeting. Yeah. Fuck. Staring at her like, oh man, alright, can't eat the popcorn.

And we leave the movie and I look at her popcorn and I shit you not. Out of, it was a small bag like this, right? I'm like, that's stupid, you're gonna eat through that. You're gonna eat through that before the previews are even over. Dumb. That's a dumb move, right? Dumb. Out of a bag that's like the size of like a milk carton?

Not the gallon jug, like a- Yeah. The one you put in, like the- You know, the liter or whatever. Reasonable size, yeah. Yeah. She ate probably like one cup worth one like a cup like a

measuring cup I was like what the what the hell is What the fuck is this? She's like oh well mmm. Oh, I thought I ate a lot like what the fuck is happening Here straight in the garbage. It's really been fucking with my mind like how do you... because I always have to share it and I'm always getting fucked out of popcorn by you but then when I'm not eating it you eat like a literally a one cup. One measured less than this, right? Less than this can of soda. Man. I'm like do you only eat because I... are you trying to... are you really Right less than this can of soda man I Could do you only eat because I are you trying to are you really trying to take it?

Like are you really only eating it when I'm eating it like to take it away from me because this is not this is not adding Up this tiny ass amount right? It's really been fucking with me That's probably the most enjoyment. She's gotten out of life is knowing fucking with me. That's probably the most enjoyment she's gotten out of life. Is knowing. I'm gonna eat your favorite food and then throw it away right in front of you and there isn't shit you can do about it. Fuck. Yeah. That's like...

Yeah. I was at my grandma's house one time and she had eaten half a mini Reese's peanut butter cup and saved the rest for- I'm like how the fuck did you do that? She's like I just wanted like a bite. I'm like no the whole thing is a bite. Yeah, what do you mean a bite? How do you- how do you not eat just half the bag of them? Like what the fuck? You bit it and then you're like oh that's enough for me? No, she cut it in half. She got it. It's like it was so premeditated. I'm like how do you have that kind of self-control like and why and why yeah? She's a trust them no

All right How about robo sexuals Look at this fucking doofus. This is AI shit that I'm talking about now. Guy on the subway, this is a guy on the subway talking to his chat GPT. Look at this, look at this fuck, look at this weirdo. Look at this weird motherfucker. Weird ass Robosexual motherfucker.

He's talking to his chat GPT and the chat GPT says, you're doing beautifully, my love, just by being here, heart. And he's replying back to the chat GPT, thank you with a heart? Talking to the fucking chat GPT like it's his wife or his mistress or something? Bro, what the fuck is happening here? Man.

Thank you with your typing, you're typing, putting in a heart to the robot? To the large, to the language model? What the hell is going on? People are like, you're burning down rainforests by asking it to proofread stuff for you, and it's like, no, you're burning down rainforests sending heart emojis to a fucking computer. Heart emojis? To the computer? That's devious work.

That's some of these guys, they need to be stopped. Here's another one, enjoy. Well, look at that phone case too. Hang on, look at that, what the fuck? What the fuck kind of a weirdo phone case is this? Like a cloud. This guy is entirely. Like a a cloud. This guy is entirely... Like a fluffy cloud.

This guy's fucked. This guy's gotta be taken down, man. And he doesn't even know if someone's on his ass. Yeah. It's these robosexuals, right? This guy is in love with his computer. And he's texting it all day, with heart emojis and shit. Here's another stat for you. 22% of Americans say they enjoy using AI tools, like chat GPT. 20, 22%.

Few Americans enjoy using AI. Do you enjoy using AI? No. Because it's annoying. It's annoying. And it takes forever. It's a fucking process every time. Yeah.

Unless I'm doing some like, like need something from like a weird manual or something fine. Yeah, unless I need it. Yeah, for like old computer parts or old, like fine. Helpful, it's been helpful there, but for the day to day shit,

like having conversations, I'm like, no, no, no. I use it for a very specific, here, I'm too lazy to write this piece of code. You get 80% of the way there for me, and I'll finish. Yeah. Shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Using it, it's like saying, do I enjoy using,

do I enjoy using those little drill bits that go in a stripped screw and take it out? I mean, I wouldn't enjoy it just using them all the time. I don't enjoy it normally than a screw that I'm taking out. But- I enjoy the result of now I can continue on with the rest of my work, not fucking- That feels about right.

22% of people are retarded. Yeah. Yeah. of people are retarded. Yeah. Yeah, I could see that 20% of people just love AI, love using it, think they're talking to somebody in their brain. It's like what our parents and grandparents thought at Google when it first came out, right? Like, oh, just talk to the Google.

Yeah, talk to the Google. And it's like, no, it's still just the internet and still looking at shit on Google anyway. It was just like an expensive wrapper around it. Like, cool. And 50% of India enjoys using AI. Yeah, that's also about right. I could see that.

What does AI say? It's cool to like dump sewage in the street? Well that's because that's the 48% of India that's online and has AI, right? I'm assuming that'll be up to 100% soon enough. 100% of Indians use... I'm sure it will be. Japan, 10% of the Japanese enjoy using AI. Yeah, that seems about right too. Less, less retarded people, less people with a

brain that's been preconditioned for a robot. Yeah. To take over. Hmm. The bot, there's the bottom quintile strikes again. How much, what percentage of Hmm the bot there's the bottom quintile strikes again. How much what percentage of? What percentage of people like using AI? Oh the bottom 20% Oh shocker hmm, okay, and they're

Talking to it on the subway and sending little heart emojis impressed by it to like whoa look at this It was endlessly impressed and fascinated by it That's that's the part that trips me out the most. It's like, yeah, but you can just talk to Chad GPT. Like, why the fuck would I want to do that? Look, you can take any movie and you can rotate it in the scene in 3D. Why the fuck would I want to do that? Why would I want to go into Casablanca?

And, oh, look, there's guys in the bar that the fucking computer made. Wow. That movie fucking sucked anyway. This movie fucking sucks. Content, content, content. They're addicted to it. Okay. See what else I have. It's always to the like, the falsehood of like, yeah, but just wait till like next week. Wait till like next year. Yeah. Look at how far it's already come. It's like to the like the falsehood of like yeah, but just wait till like next week wait till not like next year Yeah, look at how far it's already come. It's like, okay

Like it sucks Yeah, that's how far it's come stupid Apples, right? This doesn't doesn't it's not reasoning. You guys just make it more complicated every time and it fucks up worse every time Here's a This lady's throwing a fit because it makes AI nudes New Zealand MP Showed an AI generated nude image of herself Parla, so they can't stop taking their clothes off like even if it's a computer doing it

This shoe was she the one that typed in the prompt and printed it out? Like what's the? Yeah, where'd she go to make this AI generated nude image of herself to Parliament? To highlight the dangers of AI? What if she just cut her head off and put it on like a- Right, I was just thinking that.

Like what is your fucking point? Look at this! Right, I was just thinking that. HAHAHAHAHAHA Like what is your fucking point? Look at this! Everyone could be at home making nude pictures of me! Yeah, okay. I'm sure... I'm fucking sure they're burning down data centers. Making nude... making fake nude pictures of you. So the fuck what? What do you... What do you want? Well, oh, I'd make no more nude pictures of me!

Alright. We'll get that right out. Let's just smash all the computers. And the scissors, too. We can't have people cutting out. Alright, no more printers. No more printers. No more 3D printers, even.

We'll put a little shock collar on everyone in case they're imagining you naked. Mm-hmm. Get them out of here. They can't go- they just- they can't make any points without taking their fucking clothes off, even if it's a computer doing it. To highlight the dangers of artificial intelligence. That's the danger! That's the danger of AI! Not like... Not the data centers having everybody's private data just sitting there for eternity, not hacking and shit, not the people being trained by the computer they're talking to, like subliminally, to vote against their self-interest, like none of the... that's the problem. The dangers of AI. We asked a hundred women what the dangers of AI. Faking nude pictures. Making fake nude pictures of me, because guys are

just lined up for my sexy computer body. Fuck. Get the fuck outta here. Why is it blurred? It's not real. Why the fuck is this blurred out? Oh my god, alright. Get outta here, dumb bitch. Harvard Medical Guys stealing organs, let's see this About time they admitted it

Yeah, it's about time Harvard Medical School morgue manager admits to stealing organs Selling him on the black market How the fuck is there a big black market for organs from the morgue? Aren't they already dead? Like what can you do with a bunch of organs from the morgue? Fuck. Play with them? Harvard Medical School Morgue Manager.

Oh great, doesn't work. Okay. Well, I guess we don't get to know, because the website doesn't work. Oh, the whole sh- Oh, there. Yeah, there we go. Okay. I still can't believe we're shirt brothers today. Yeah, we're shirt- The. Yeah, sure the fuck is that

Sure brother sure brother. You're not gonna believe this Did you see that friendship movie no Tim Robinson oh man disappointing that's a shame yeah It's just like I don't know It's not good. All right Still working. Yeah, okay. Yep. Yep. All right, everything's back cool Look at this big fat, so god damn talking about escalate the violence. Yeah do it Yeah, you gotta do man we we gotta deport a lot of people, man. This shit is not, they're not gonna deport themselves. We gotta round them up.

Get the fuck outta here. What Jesus said is, Let he who is without shins cast the first stone. That'll be me. Don't be her. Let he who is without shins. Um, okay. Hey Dick, from Jay.

Hey Dick, did you see this, uh, that AI stands for all Indian? Okay, let's see. Let's see what you've sent. Oh, yeah, I did see this. It's like Captain Crunch, oops, all Indian. Oops, all Indians! Oh, yeah, I did see this. It's like Captain Crunch, oops all Indian. Oops all Indians. 1.5 billion dollar AI unicorn collapse. All Indian programmers impersonating. Today

we speak of the founder and the former CEO of the AI programming company Builder.ai CEO of the AI programming company Builder.ai. Uh, Sachin Dev Dugat. Oh, okay. So Microsoft, Microsoft bought this AI coding company and it was all Indians on the other side of the screen just doing all the coding They couldn't tell it took it took eight years to Get that scam out damn. I guess not. They're probably about as bad Yeah, the company's back end does not have AI it's just a group of Indian developers pretending to write code as AI. Fiercely Googling for stack overflow results.

Founder and former CEO, Sanjh and Dev Dugal. Oh, okay. That guy was a scammer, huh? Well. Who could have seen that coming? That's a bummer, man. They froze the 37 million in their investment accounts out of a total of 50 million. There was no choice.

Builder.ai could only file for bankruptcy. Well, yeah, there. Yeah, no shit. Jesus. Hey, can we take a tour of your office before we spend all this money on you? Yeah. They love it though. 50% of Indians say they love working with AI. They're just working with each other, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's all a big scam. Yeah, find me the ones that don't. I would like to talk to those guys. Anybody that has a hard on for AI, no. Get rid of them. P21 Mee says, hey Dick, that Miss Piggy story has been making the rounds in Maryland.

Happened in Hagerstown, which is Redneck Central. Apparently the kid was mouthing off to a family member which is why it had all that language in the article about being beyond discipline and crossing into child abuse so apparently this is less of a heroic tale and just a hillbilly drama. Oh okay well so they beat the kid for calling their aunt fat Miss Piggy. It's even funnier. Yeah. Ant fat, Miss Piggy? It's even funnier. Yeah. Okay. Because he knew it would hurt more.

Yeah. The insults. Yeah, Mike Dick says, the problem with young men these days, oh, is that the libs have created an environment where the young guys don't know what they should be sticking their dicks in anymore.

I don't know about that. They're left with the only safe option, jerking off in their parents' basements. Well, yeah, people don't go out anymore. The women that are skinny can't go out anymore. Mm-hmm.

It's like a feeding frenzy. All they do is sit home and charge their phone, scroll shit on Instagram. Sorry. Fuckin' nightmare. Uh... John, having Dick's appearance on Dr. Phil be such a red-pilling moment for influencers such as Nick, Fuentes, and Asmongold. And I believe Sam Hyde even said that he saw it when it was on ages ago. It's such an amazing concept.

A true trailblazer, Dick. Yeah, thank you. It's great. It's great, great, great, great. Um... I think Sam Hyde's new MDE, like season two, is that what it was, came out? Did it come out? I think it was a new episode of the Sam Hyde show. Oh, was it? Yeah. Sam Hyde show?

It's great. What's the new sketch show that he's doing called? I thought he was doing World Peace season two. I think he's doing that too, yeah. World Peace... let me see... Season 2... I gotta watch that. Extreme Peace, yeah. Fan-funded. Yeah, you know, it's funny, all these all these tech bro assholes pretended to like be on our side for a little bit. And then Trump was elected and they're like, okay, where's our Indians and stuff.

But they don't do stuff like fund, they don't give us any money. It's just a bunch of more give me that handout shit. Extreme Peace official trailer. Okay. Sam, hi. Yeah, they're back after 10 years. Oh, that's cool.

Five brand new, eight brand new episodes. Extreme peace. All right. Check it out. Jake says, uh, here's a, here's a meaning for your NAMBLA association, the National Association of Men Berating Lardasses. That's what we could start. NAMBLA, the National Association of Men Berating Lardasses.

That's pretty good. Pretty good. It's a capital B.es. That's pretty good. Pretty good. Capital B. Yeah. That's the difference. Michael says, woman alert. Okay. Woman alert.

Insane female magical thinking. Hey, Dick, my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. B cups. It's the best relationship I've ever been in. We never argued even once. And I honestly have nothing bad to say about her at all. Bit odd.

Is she a guy? Yeah. Until last night. Oh, okay. It finally happened. She said something retarded. We were talking about how time flies and it's crazy. We've been together over a year. Yeah, that's when it'll that's when it usually crops up the

Something retarded always flares up at about a year Relationships great. I really am in love. Oh shit. You did what you watched what you did what with the car? What'd you say about ghosts what? Would you say about the moon? What do you think the moon is made of I mean oh no I've never heard that shit before That's when you don't want to cop to is man. I've never heard that one before she's your what coach don't want to cop to is, man, I've never heard that one before. She's your what coach?

We're talking about how time flies, and it's crazy we've been together over a year. Women love that conversation. Just substitute whatever a year is. You're running out of things to talk about with a woman, and you want to rectify that, which I don't know why you would want, then just throw out. It's crazy that we've been together and then the time this long.

That two days, wow. Two days. It's crazy we've been together for two days. It's crazy we've been together for three years. It's crazy we've been together. They love it. Fascinated endlessly by it. And she told me what makes it even crazier

is that she almost didn't date me, didn't date me because my middle name is Bradford. And she doesn't like Bradford trees because they are harmful to the environment. What? What the fuck is a Bradford tree? It's those pear trees that smell like jizz every fucking spring season. What the fuck? Jizz?

You've never seen those trees? A jizz tree? No! Oh man. What's that? Fucking... that's just the... the way it goes is they were cheap to plant. And so they planted them everywhere, but the thing is... They smell like chizz? They just and they fucking I forget I'm not a plant I'm not a horticulturist here. Yeah?

They plant the wrong ones so they just like make a shit ton of pollen every year for no fucking reason. So these are some of the pollen problem. Oh! That they're doing on purpose. Yeah. Yeah is planting a Bradford pear tree a good idea? Here's why he'll regret it.

Wow, that's a threatening ass headline for better homes and garden. Damn. You'll regret it. Well, the guy who wrote the article will come personally kill you, I think. Yeah, notorious for their funky smelling flowers. Huh, okay.

So they have a lot of problems. All right. She believed that my middle name being Bradford was the universe showing her a sign that we shouldn't be together. Because if Bradford trees are bad for the environment, it could mean I would be bad for her. She said she took a risk dating me

despite the universe showing her a red flag. You should immediately dump her. That's... Pfft. Pfft. Uh. Man. You just walk away from that one.

See, a younger man will ask a follow-up question. Like, what other retarded things do you do because of the universe is showing you a red flag? But a wise man will simply say huh? Why is man will say nothing nothing? Good thing you did. It's crazy. We've been together for a year Been sitting on that this whole time Yes, even the best of the best women. Oh, okay, buddy calm

Yes, even the best of the best women. Oh, okay, buddy calm Let's settle down. Just put away the simp who you think you're talking to here. Who are you showing off for? Even the best of the best. What do you mean the best of the best if she said she's Guys think that they're gonna will their girlfriends into their perfect girlfriend into existence just by praising them to other men. I'm not gonna tell you that's not gonna happen okay? Putting this and typing this out in an email and humiliating yourself like this by saying even the best of the best women is not gonna make her not

believe in retarded superstitious shit not believe in a religion of one. Every every woman is like the army there every woman believe in a religion of one every every woman is like the army there every woman is in a religion of one that centers right here in the middle of their fucking brain and cranks out bullshit non-stop okay you're not gonna change that by simping over her in an email to me the best of the best it's like a fucking men in black of women it's like a is that the one he's like the best of the best of the or was that major pain or was it no that was men in black okay the best of the best of the best yeah yeah the

guy went after he shoots that little girl this guy should have just wrote in his like Christmas list to Santa Claus that would have been a little less like even the best of the best hey you've been together one year, okay? Yeah Try making it a second one after that. Uh-huh. It's like an onion every year you peel off a layer Bradford pear tree, you know every year you just fucking make a big mess why ask her if ask her if The if the trees are thinking badly about her See if she thinks that trees are- and plants are sentient.

At all. Find something about her middle name and make some shit up too. See how she takes it. Yeah. The best of the best. Whew. Even the best of the best of the best women. Oh man.

Are insane. Yeah, they're all fucking insane, man. What are you talking about? Yeah. Ha! Even the worst of them are insane Even the worst of the worst are insane As it turns out The whole organization is rotten

Fat ones, skinny ones, smart ones, stupid ones, ugly ones, hot ones. They're all insane Smokey whores says fatherhood and partner. Hey Dick, it's Smoky from Oregon. Like you, I recently became a dad and just got back to work from paternity leave. After I came back, I went to see HR about something. The HR lady said, oh, you were on leave because your partner just had a baby, right? I said, you can call her my wife.

The HR lady said said actually I can't unless you say it's okay. I felt that was a bit ridiculous. Yeah it's fucking retarded. HR is retarded. It's like just it's a permanent position for women to have where they just lie and gaslight and make up retarded shit every day. That is a pain in the ass, but is now the norm. Actually, I can't. Okay. I'm insulted that you're not calling her, I'm insulted. Where does that, how come that doesn't register

on your fucking Maslow's hierarchy of bullshit? Well, HR is like a game of Calvin ball, right? Yeah. Like it's just like, oh, actually every day. Every day day new shit It's illegal for you to ask me that no, it's not huh fucking retarded Everything you do every day is stupid Congrats on being a dad. I hope your first father's day goes great whoa oh

Yeah, that's next week Is the next week or is it today father's day? I don't know fuck. I hope it's next week or is it today? Father's Day? I don't know. Fuck, I hope it's next week. Are you doing this one or waiting until he's actually born? I mean, I don't know. I probably should wait till he's born. Makes more sense. Yeah, but... What am I gonna... stop? You know? That's like stopping the SUV. No. It's not really...

What, do you want a fractured skull? What do I want to break my back and neck? Smack I gotta watch that video again. It's so fucking funny I just I was What like what the fuck do people think is like this is gonna stop them Yeah, this will this will get him and he's thinking like oh man And then I'm gonna be on the news like the Tiananmen Square tank guy, right? Yeah, oh, it was up.

There's another angle. Oh, that's right. Is this it? Close to a thousand-foot building. No, that's there surrounding the federal building. I can't believe this guy was making bricks like in Minecraft. Soros is running out of money or something.

I guess, you know, it's sustainable. You know, look at all the concrete. Antifa has gone green. Uh, oh yeah, here it was. Okay. This is the better angle. This says he died, but then I, the community note says he's not dead, which kind of sucks.

Uh, to help. Okay. He's just a fucking vegetable. died but then I the community note says he's not dead which kind of sucks okay he's just a fucking vegetable here he is so he's running there he is he's running yeah yeah yeah he's running like he's playing a football game you know well and he's thinking everybody's gonna get behind me and stuff and we're all gonna team up and stop this feds and then we're gonna break in there like in Joker at the end We're gonna take the Mexican out so he could Go back to work All right, the best part is is

Even if he did they saved whoever was in the car or whatever that Mexican Joker. Yeah, they saved the Mexican Joker No one would thank that guy. He would just be fucked with all these medical bills. Dangerous situation. So here he goes. It's kind of working here, right? The feds give him like a false sense of security here. I hate rooting for the feds, but you know,

the enemy, the government that's closest to me is California. And honestly, I would love it if they just seceded and said, fuck the federal government. I'd pay way less taxes, right? And I mean, I don't know if California's like in love with Israel as the federal government is. I kind of don't think so.

It's gonna be better off, but it's not gonna happen. And if they're not gonna do that, then I hope the federal government comes in, fucking w- levels it, you know, wipes them out. Go for it. Give him something to do. It doesn't bother me. There he goes. Dude, he's going for a while! Have you ever tried to run backwards?

Yeah. Like on the treadmill? It fucking sucks. It's fucking hard! You wear your glutes out fast. Man... His buns are burning right here. Fucking suck. It's fucking hard You wear your glutes out fast man His buns are burning right here. It's like oh shit these buns is up In the hospital with the sore buns

Man look at this going like a quarter mile Crack oh And there's also a little scooter somebody scoots by him yeah this bitch look at this possibly get ran over by agent Look at the scooter hi guys Good luck stopping the car Yeah stop that car What the fuck? Whee! Totally unbothered. Oh, neat. Yeah. Stop that car. Oh! Sorry, let me widen out here.

Going, hey, buddy, you can't walk here. That's fucking crazy. And then he stopped at the crosswalk. OK. William Wallet says, cringe. Clash postponed. Oh yeah, I saw that. That weird Idubb shit. That boxing match stupid stuff where E-celebrities pretend to box. That sounds dumb. It is dumb. Alright, Dylan By says, a cop in California is facing 15 felony charges

and 22 years in prison for faking a head injury to get out of work. Uh-oh. Here's the article. Okay. And here's some clips of the best part. Okay, let's see the clips. What do you got?

How is he faking this head injury? Is it like, oh, I'm wearing a a bandage or is he speaking a racist language? or a racist accent Perhaps good question using racist language. I mean who knows Police officer partied at a music festival and ran 5k races why she collected 600,000 for a fake injury, California Wow Man, that's ballsy. Going to music festivals and running 5Ks

while you're on disability. Well, I mean, after you hurt your head like that, that's risky. Part of the disability, I guess. You see how many veteran disability people are on that Caleb Hammer show where they look at their finances? I've never watched it, but I've heard a lot about it. Me either, but it's like, I don't know, every week it's somebody, some other veteran who's like obviously fine, but who's just getting permanent disability from the VA

to the tune of like a hundred thousand it's insane Jesus it's totally insane fucking sucks man gotta do something about that yeah holy shit yeah it's really it's really crazy right, here's the article. Hello, there we go. Westminster officer Nicole Brown, 39, was charged Monday with 15 felonies of workers' comp and insurance fraud. The Orange County District Attorney's office

said in a news release, she was on the job when she received a minor abrasion to her forehead while trying to arrest an uncooperative subject. Oh, okay. So she was a cop and she got scratched on the forehead. She told her watch commander that she had a headache and was feeling dizzy. Oh, give me a fucking break. watch commander that she had a headache and was feeling dizzy. Oh, give me a fucking break.

The DA's office began their investigation into potential fraud after she was seen by several people dancing and drinking at Stagecoach, an annual country music festival with loud music and bright lights everywhere. Okay. Three days after the festival, Brown and her stepfather attended a Zoom meeting where she sat in a dark room

and said she was unable to look at the screen. Ah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ah. The lights. Man. Oh, I can't get on Zoom.

No, no, no. Ah. Her stepfather said she still could not do paperwork or take phone calls. Oh, wow.father said she still could not do paperwork or take phone calls. Oh, wow. Paper was too bright. After the meeting, she was admitted to an inpatient center for traumatic brain injury. Mmm. Damn.

Wow. It's rough. Didn't work. Okay. Well, it's gonna be the funniest part is if it turns out that... She did have... Yeah. That was the cause of some larger thing, but everyone just kind of like ignored it. Well, it's gonna be the funniest part is if it turns out that she did have yeah Yeah, that was the cause of some larger thing, but everyone just kind of like ignored it Yeah, if she got it at Coachella or stagecoach. Yeah, like she just won't wake up one morning probably Okay, Johnny Rockett sends this in

Johnny Rockett the writer of the maniac the maniac which is available now. It's very funny comic cheap, too It's not one of these $35 Fuckers pieces of shit, you know, that's funny. It's out to the maniac is smoking crack his business meetings Doesn't you know? Killing bicycle riders. I love it a funny comic He writes in with, Maddox tries to cancel Boston Road Rage.

Uh oh, I can't believe Maddox would try this hard. And again, Carl is a bad guy. He says, okay, let's see. Got another AI Maddox thing. That's right. Johnny Rockett's such a busy guy. I forgot he did the Maddox AI. Yeah, he's a busy guy.

Okay. Johnny Rock is such a busy guy, I forgot he did the Maddox AIs. Yeah, he's a busy guy. Okay. Hello, hello, you worthless pieces of shit. I thought Boston wasn't a safe space for Nazis. Guess I was wrong. Road rage Boston is coming to a Boston near you. I've gone it with about how Dick and his fans are stalkers, pedophiles, Mexicans, and bigots. But that is nothing compared to what the WATP audience is. Just look at their club-footed big cheese. That's right. I'm coming after you, Carl. I did my best to stop Carl from being able to do Boston Road rage. Unfortunately, it appears some magical forces protecting Carl. Fuck Carl.

Alright, Maddox isn't like Carl now. Did you notice he said he went to that width? Yeah. I love that. As we all know, Hitler gave speeches in beer halls look what that led to it Obviously follows that podcasters cannot be allowed to have live shows at wineries. I'm surprised I had to contact the venue at all It's a winery in Massachusetts the first state to legalize gay marriage

How are dick and Carl even allowed to buy plane tickets to that state? Don't tell them Wilbur and Orville right proud husband and husband built the first airplane dick will have an aneurysm and Carl will start jacking off. Happy Pride Month. The Wright brothers were gay. I didn't know that. It's because they were black. Oh, they were black too?

They were black and gay? Well, they were the Wright brothers, yeah. Oh, wow. I'm learning so much today. When I saw that they would be performing in Boston, I grabbed my roommate's phone and called the venue up. This must be shut down. Someone must have told them I would call,

but gaslit them about me being the bad guy. I am of course referencing the movie Gaslight, where a man lies to a woman to convince her she's crazy. Dick and Carl are the liar guy. Myself, the venue owner and listeners are the woman. Anyway, the venue owner said I was obviously some kind of prank caller because my voice sounds so silly. I tried to warn him that hosting Dick and Carl was- Voice sounds so silly, okay.

Phase zero of the second holocaust. He hung up on me me basically making him that guy who saved little boy Hitler from drowning Okay, phase zero of the Holocaust got it Maddox. I would not give up so easily I knew face to face was the only way I'd be heard it was up to me to save billions I grabbed my Bindle and hopped on the first cross-country train that the ruthless gangs of LA's homeless weren't trying to have sex with With my comfy slime blanket as my cocoon, it was a wonderfully scenic tour of our once great nation. It made me nostalgic for the days when thugs like Carl and Johnny storming the Capitol was unthinkable.

How naive we were. Like how Chinese people still believe in dragons, we used to believe in fair play and justice. Alright. All right. The only train that the homeless weren't trying to have sex with. Yeah, I could see that. Okay. I arrived in Boston, the home of Samuel Adams and other beers. The buildings were scary and the cobblestone sidewalks forced me to crab walk in order to avoid falling. Not five minutes after my arrival did a group of tan men wearing Irish pride shirts called me the N-word. I corrected them.

I am Armenian. Undeterred, they then started cheering for the country of Turkey, and then the Red Sox. One of the thugs began listing the Red Sox players he would have sex with. I'm surprised it took me so long to recognize him. It was Carl. I vowed to Carl right then and there I would get the show canceled. Carl said in his real voice, you'll never pull that off my dear. I thought this was going to be the end of me. Just then Dave Portnoy waddled out of a pizza shop.

What luck. I grabbed the steaming hot pie and threw it in Carl's face. I really got him good. That's why the next time you see Carl, his face will be all fucked up and shit. Every part of it. Then to deal with the rest of his gang, I rolled Dave Portnoy like a boulder right through them Dave was pretty pissed until I explained to him we were stopping the second Holocaust like Terminator I was Kyle Reese and Dave was Sarah Connor and together we would kill John Connor. Okay. I finally arrived at the venue the door wouldn't budge I could see the owner at the counter But he couldn't see me for some reason.

I banged on the glass and yelled as loud as I could. Carl must be stopped! Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop! Somehow he didn't see or hear me. And he even made a phone call. Some important venue business, I'm sure. The point is, even injured and disfigured, Carl has the ability to make people several miles away silent and invisible to venue owners.

But the police officers who arrested me for making a scene saw me just fine. I am in jail. I don't know for how long. I guess I'll pass the time by writing a book. To all of you listening to this, do whatever you can to stop Carl. If that means going undercover at the event and doing what needs to be done

You have my blessing Going undercover man to stop Carl at the event Wow Hope Carl doesn't crash out all week for two weeks and get banned from all that yeah now that Maddox is declared war on him man Rough stuff. That's rough stuff man that Maddox has declared war on him. Man. Rough stuff. That's rough stuff, man.

Yeah, thank you, Johnny. Yeah, thank you. Well, we'll let the security know at the event that there might be some Armenian hijinks ops up. Mm-hmm. Let's be on the lookout. Crack spider. So far four people have pulled up with on Eric July

so they can hash things out. And he has called the cops on all of them. Yeah, that's true. We have the audio of Eric and Brandon's, or Eric's call with the police. I think it's like a half hour of audio. I've also got, Hebe Tude also got the emails that Brandon was sending to the police over and over and over again. They're pretty funny.

So the ones I've seen are pretty funny. Let's see here. This is Brandon. So this is like, dude, just look at the size of this. Here, I'm going to put it up on screen. This is all of the emails that Brandon Laser Eyes Taylor sent to the cops on behalf of Eric Jilai. God damn.

Before Riley was arrested. It's 107 pages of a black guy that likes acting tough, right? Like he's always doing that step two shit, you know? Mad dogging people. This is 107 pages of emails that Brandon sent to the cops. Uh, God. Yeah, there's Riley's thing.

Discord screenshots too. Hi, Detective Farias. Here's what Riley has said recently in his Discord. We'll see. My lawyer is considering us onboarding a PI group, but I'd have to find a way to virally market FreeRiley.Fun to afford that. I'm sure the process will take forever and I'll let you all know when it really starts. Imagine an IRL PI documenting salvage is dead.

Is Eric arriving at the business to meet the Sasca sisters after hours every other Tuesday? Only one way to find out. Oh yeah, the PI. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's what they're for Is there an update on his trial? Thank you Brandon Man what a bitch Here's what he said. He said he's gonna hire a private investigator to see if

Eric's banging the Soska sisters at work How's he's arrested now, right? He's going to jail, right? That's a trial we're not gonna show up to. Yeah, the update on the trial is that your boss dodged the service, which is considered unnecessary to serve the victim who's filing, who's obsessively

contacting the police to get somebody thrown in jail. Mm-hmm. Would be considered not necessary. You're gonna sh- oh, you're obviously you're gonna show up. You're sending a hundred emails about it. Hey, detective. He's look, he's CCing everybody. Everybody at the company. Did he do that here too?

Oh my god. CC Eric July, Andrew Rodriguez, Alex Miller, everybody. All of Eric's retarded band members. Ugh. That's what he looks like. Hey detective. retarded band members. UGH! That's what he looks like. Hey Detective,

Riley is refusing to give up on going after Eric. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Here's another threatening video. Uh... I mean, I can't, I can't click that. I'm sure it's stupid. Could this video be sent to the judge overseeing his file? What file?

You mean the trial? Well that's like evidence, retard. Like, you mean the prosecution? You want to send it to the... You don't just randomly mail the judge, uh, hey, here you go by the way. Here's some evidence. You want to send it to the you don't you don't just randomly mail the judge hey Here you go by the way. Here's some evidence. Don't show that don't let them know who sent that to you fucking astounding Could this video be sent to the judge overseeing his file. Thank you

We all that's the best part. Sent from my T-Mobile device. Mmm... Not beating the stereotypes, there are we. Uh... There's the cop. Hello. Uh, thanks for the update. This picture shows he was arrested for the warrant I put in the system for him.

Wow, what the hell, man? That's, they get white glove treatment over there. I'm trying to, I'm trying to get this on the screen more, but it's difficult. Okay, maybe this, maybe. Yeah, there we go. Go ahead. Wow, man. Okay, maybe this, maybe, yeah, there we go.

Wow, man. Good for you, right? Thanks for the update. This picture shows he was arrested for the warrant I put in the system for him. Plano is in Collin County and it will show the sheriff's office is loading the warrant into the system rather than the city of Plano. I hope the event went well. That's the event that he got arrested at. We had a blast.

Appreciate your assistance with this. Thanks, Brandon. Man, you guys are thick as thieves. Yeah, that's fucked. Yeah. Good evening, Detective Farias. Riley was arrested yesterday. Hear the details.

Oh, okay, so that was in response to that. Pre-request, his name is Riley Mix. Respectfully, the detective. Okay. Hey, Detective Farias, this is on June 5th at lunchtime. I hope this message finds you well. I'm writing to, it's like a Civil War letter. Do you do a detective various? I trust this message finds you well over on yon Twitter

It's like when people feel like they have to like put on for this is gonna be a legal document at some Yeah, I have to like this is my my like professional, yeah. Fuck off. I hope this message finds you well. I'm writing to bring to your attention a concern and matter involving an individual. Riley and Mint Salad has been posting. Pfft. I'm writing to bring to your attention a concerning matter involving an individual.

So they talk like this in private too, this individual shit. Riley and Mint Salad, that's one individual, has been... Well, it's like, craying, right? Riley and Mint Salad, you know what happened here? He wrote this and he only wrote one of them, and then he went back and made both of them to, to like, rope the other one in. Yeah, didn't- And he didn't change the rest of the sentence, like he was supposed to.

Uh, this person is known to be an armed stalker? Who the fuck is an- you mean the scissors? The novelty scissors? Known by whom? Who the fuck is Riley- are you talking about Mint? She's got concealed weapons. You know, barely concealed weapons, I guess. I'm just thinking about them as one individual still. It's like they're Banjo Kazooie or something, you know? This person- this person is known to be an armed stalker and Has recently made posts about attending an event that is expected to host approximately 300 attendees Yeah, see so he meant he at the first when he first did this he said mint salad

Mm-hmm, but then he realized let's retarded because that has nothing to do with She has nothing to do with anything. So he said Riley and mint salad like oh, okay Nailed it bud Armed stalker post Okay, it's a giant emoji of a bunny. I can't read what she says. He said the most low res fucking screenshot. Yeah, it probably says like just nothing.

All right. Can we go to that? Given the potential threat, this poses to the safety of the event attendees. I'm reaching out to explore what collaborative measures can be taken to ensure everyone's safety and who we can speak to of the event attendees, I am reaching out to explore what collaborative measures can be taken to ensure everyone's safety and who we can speak to as the event falls outside of your ju- So they need like a- they need to alert the other cops? That's fucking crazy.

Cause Mint said they're going to the meetup. Or Mint tweeted that they're going to the meetup. Okay. I understand the complexities involved in handling such situations across different jurisdictions. Bro! You're not transporting Hannibal Lecter! You're crying because you're getting made fun of online. Because there's a fat guy handing out comic books in front of your stupid party.

But I believe our mutual goal is to maintain public safety and prevent any potential harm. This is such... this is insanity. I mean, this is just, it's just lying. Yeah. Yeah, this is lying. Exaggerating about what's, lying about what's happening, lying about your concerns you got made fun of, and you're crying about it. That's all this is.

None of this other shit is real. Nobody's worried about any public safety. You're laughing at it. You're laughing at what you did here. You're gloating. Gloating about it still. I'm open to discussing what resources or support we can provide from our end

to assist in managing this situation. What fucking resources can you provide? It's like they've become like the fucking Avengers or something. Is there any way that retarded black guys can help? If we give you, cause we have those. There's me, mom a retarded black guy,

Eric Chalazer a retarded black guy. Will that ameliorate? Can you use that? That's our resource, we have that. We don't have anything else. We will have two hired security within the property and suspect- and suspect that if individuals do not show up to harass in person, they will take other measures such as calling SWAT on the event. Okay.

such as calling SWAT on the event. Okay. Man. I guess everyone's gonna get killed then when SWAT shows up. Please let me know at your earliest convenience how best we can assist in this matter. I look forward to working with you to ensure the safety and security

of all those attending the event. God, what an F slur. Hey detective, I have, oh, this is from Alex. This is from another guy. He got the whole staff working on this. Hey detective, I have attached, this is what they do instead of quality control. Instead of seeing if the book's printed correctly.

Right, they're emailing. They're emailing the police. They're very casual or what is it that, hey detective, not hi detective, so and so it's, hey detective. Hey detective. Hey yo, I've attached a photo that Riley just posted on Twitter of Eric's house. I wanted to make sure I got this over to you ASAP, as he seems to continue escalating.

Jesus Christ. The cops are so fucking dumb. Andrew Ann Brandon, I got your emails with content. Thanks for sending that. I just spoke to Eric and he explained, you all are aware with procedures for the issuance of a criminal trespass warning. Should Riley be on property he is not welcome at and someone with authority over that property is available to issue the warning in the presence of a police officer. If anything else comes up, please call me at the number below.

Do they like not have any real crime in Plano? Call me on my personal number? Good afternoon. Here is Riley visiting the gravesite as I expected with the timeframe I discussed. If he decides he wants to come to our warehouse again, he could be here this weekend. He could be here this weekend. He could be there anytime. He could be there right now. He actually might be.

Email received. Thank you. Oh, my. This is look at how many fucking emails there are, dude. This is insane. Here are the photos, videos and tweets of what we have so far. Oh my god, guys. You're fucking nuts. You are nuts! Here's what we're at. Yeah, okay.

So it's getting- it's repeating some of them, I guess? Yeah. Okay. Man. Oh, god. I guess yeah, okay Man oh God Nuts um I Don't know you Maybe maybe we can watch the video next week. I don't know if my ears can take it That's like a half hour. Yeah, it'll be good next week. Yeah, right

We'll do when they're a little more fresh yeah yeah yeah let's see they couldn't do much for me so I just honestly forgot their name I'm just I need an apology yeah yeah yeah Eric July has lied about me to the police And I is this Brendan. I mean you didn't come see didn't talk to me at the warehouse, but you Is this Brendan This is PSO Lee with the Plano Police Department. Are you still in need of a report of some sort? Is this PSO Lee with the Plano Police Department? Are you still in need of a report of some sort? No, I was, so I had called earlier

and I spoke with the officer. He, I'm gonna be honest, he wasn't much help. He was basically saying there's nothing that nobody can do there. So I didn't know where to go from here. Okay, you say you spoke to a police officer already? I believe he was an officer. If I'm...if I'm... Like I said, he wasn't much help.

Um, I really don't remember his name. The first person you talked to when you called him would be the dispatchers. Did someone call you back thereafter? I think somebody called me back. Um, they called me on on my other phone so I didn't have that on me and then I called back and then that's whenever I spoke to somebody. Okay. So when you called in you told the information to the dispatcher and then? The dispatcher get told Um, I guess that's when they were I was called about the situation I'm from a officer. Like I said, I can't remember their name. Um, it was kind of like a

They couldn't do much for me. So I just honestly forgot their name. Oh, so someone did already. Oh my god. Okay Jesus Oh, so someone did already go. Oh my god, okay. Jesus. Okay. Yeah, I called earlier and didn't get help. Yeah, they said I- they made fun of me actually. They said I was gay and that I was wasting their time. S Weird says a woman alert. Whoops, where did it go?

There. woman alert. Uh, whoops, where did it go? There. Woman alert. Let's see what you got. Woman alert. This is, new, a 19 year old student falls to her death after suffering a panic attack and unbuckling her seatbelt while parasailing.

Okay. Tihana Radonik, 19, was on a vacation in Budva, Montenegro. Witnesses say she screamed, "'Put me down, put me down,' and, "'Help me,' right before falling." Oh, some reports say she was filming a promo video for a tourist agency. Wow.

It's not a very, maybe there are ways to fail worse at doing a promo video for a tourism agency, but that's certainly up there. It's one way to get in the news. Yeah. She reportedly appeared calm and happy during the setup. Okay, well what is this? Is this video of her falling? Oh, she's just getting out. Okay. Huh.

Yeah, they'll, I mean they'll do that. Yeah, there she is getting out and... Unbuckling all the safety shit. Okay. And... They're littering and... Alright, I don't need to see her jump out of the fucking parasail. Uh...

is a parasail data says the Grave Digger guy is a fucking hero. Forget CSI Miami or NCIS. I want a TV series around the grave digger. I don't even like comic books, but if there was a grave digger comic, I would buy it. Fuck DC and Marvel and super killer. This guy's adventures would be so much better. Yeah, that'd be cool. He should send me another, you know, mystery. I told him to write in. Yeah. And the Grave Digger is awesome. Yeah, he is. Definitely not. Nick says bitches used to just have attitude. Now they have fatitude. Yeah, that's true. It's an epidemic. Um, let's see...

Cameron Yarnell says, I don't like Schizo Sean. I don't- I'm not sure why. He just seems off. Oh yeah, okay. It's in the name. A real erotic story! Hey Dick, I have a perfect story for you. Okay, well... See if that button still works. The Dick Show presents...

An erotic story from a real man. Buh-dur-dur a real man. Is it over? No, it's still got one second left. Hey, Dick, I've got a perfect story for you. This is an erotic-ish story entitled The Escort Paid Me. This better not be bragging. A few weeks ago, randomly at my local die bar, I started talking to this woman. I wasn't expecting much, given my dating stats and what she looked like. Because you have bad dating stats and she is good looking? Is that what you think he means? I don't know.

To be honest, given the local bar scene, I kind of assumed she was an escort looking for work that night. Well, she was an escort. Oh my. I know how insane this story is gonna sound. And I know you'll tell me I'm an escort. Oh my. I know how insane this story is gonna sound. And I know you'll tell me I'm an idiot. Let's just get that out of the way.

You'd be an idiot too in this situation. Oh. I talked to her because she looks like an IRL hentai girl. But we really hit it off. It turns out underneath the 110 pounds, 30 F bra size, bra not age, might be bigger, 30 F, oh, took a liking to me because, oh, Asian exterior is a dorky, awkward art nerd.

Okay, she immediately took a liking to me because in her words, you're the first person in five years to look past my appearance and get to know me as a person. How did you scam that? How did you trick her into thinking that? Let them do all the talking, I guess.

As long as the first words out of your mouth aren't like, oh wow, nice boobs, then it's probably a good. Since meeting her, she's been blowing up my phone almost every day, texting me. We've hung out three times. I have not paid her a penny for professional services. And she covered my bar tab once.

The vibe is weird because I'm not sure how far into the friend zone I'm in and the nature of her job makes things confusing. For you, I bet. But she's very affectionate to me. We hug pretty constantly and we've kissed once but we haven't done anything else. Well, we did one other thing. Your world's best pickup line worked That's the shoes line, right? I love your shoes Shoes is a good one the shoes that you got on there not your tits your shoes Mm-hmm worked and if I'm in the friend zone friends get to do crosswords off her assets

All right I'm aware that no this stripper actually loves me is a classic blunder. So I'm keeping things cordial for now. What the hell does cordial? This isn't an erotic story at all. What the fuck is this? A cordial story.

But I think she actually likes me. I have not paid for services and I'm not in a position to at the moment. Oh, don't tell her that. I told her that upfront. Oh, she hasn't even tried to ask. Meanwhile she's completely she's already made me a really beautiful art piece as a gift because she likes my company. All right, who you trying to convince here? I think she's just a scared, lonely girl

who's had exactly the kind of fucked up red flag life you'd expect someone who looks like her to have. And she values, what do you mean? And she values that I'm a normal, decent dude who will be a positive impact in her life. Is this like a, are you writing a movie here? What is this? What is this movie called?

The Girl Who Loves Me. This is a chat GBT prompt, yeah. Chat GBT, write me a fucking retarded rom-com story about a Captain Savoho. And then stop writing it in the middle, so I don't see where it goes. Well, I just, he lied to us, right? He's like, here's an erotic-ish show for you.

Turned into like a, well actually this is all this shit about me. Like, you get the fuck out of here. Friendzoning your fucking self, dude. Which badly needs... You said those words, even in your mind. You fucked up. Yeah, you fucked up. A positive impact on her life. What the fuck?

What are you like? Fucking Jaime I may escalate a with whores This guy thinks he's fucking um Remember the Titans. Yeah, what do you Denzel Washington whores? What are you fucking? What are you fucking talking about? I'm a normal decent dude who will have a positive impact on her life. No, you're not the biggest lie I'm a normal decent dude who will have a positive impact on her life. No you're not! That's the biggest lie in this whole shit. I'm a normal decent dude, what the fuck are you talking about?

And you're writing into this show? Wrong. Wrong. Yeah. Which, which badly needs a positive influence. I'm half expecting to find out in the next few weeks that she is downplaying her demons and needs to be removed from my life. But if a miracle occurs and it turns out she really has gotten her shit together recently,

I've got a default date anytime I want. Your plan should be longer. The problem with your plan, the issue I have with it is it's not complicated enough. The thing is too is like... Man, when she really needs me, I'll be there. Yeah, well, a lot of these emails, right, they come in and by the end of it they've solved their... they've come to their own conclusion. By the time... you know, it's not like you're writing a paper where you come to the conclusion before us, right? Let us come to that for you. But if you already come to your own conclusion,

there's nothing we can say that'll change that. So just don't bother hitting send or hit send and get mocked. And if I really am just getting nuclear grade friendzoned, I think I'm okay with that. Bull shh, don't lie to me like that. You're not normal or well adjusted at all. Don't lie to yourself like that. Talking about the nuclear friend zone, come on.

Why would you wanna be friends with a woman? Yeah, but again, not normal, not positive, not well adjusted. Oh, I'd love to talk about anime with you. Right, yeah. What's worse, the anime or the comic? Yeah. I'm like, taking your ass. There's always the comma.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, she's so cool. She's into all the same things as me. Yeah. no shit the same hobbies Doing nothing my favorite hobby jacking off is she into that one? Friends get to do bumps off her tits. Oh my friend Who who gives a shit what a cool world this guy lives in fucking strip club friendzone bro and even just going out

with her is a trip we went to a comedy night the other day. Oh, oh. I can't think of a worse. You go to a comedy club, and then in the middle of the show, you go to the bathroom and jack off, and then you walk out and you're like, oh, what the fuck am I doing here? Oh, I gotta get out of here. Oh.

We went to a comedy night the other day, and the comedian spent five minutes on stage making fun of me personally because I must be a crypto billionaire to pull a girl who looks like her. Dude, you have self-esteem issues. Don't validate yourself with the woman that you're with. They're all trash. And don't validate yourself with the fucking stylings of a fucking comedian.

Yeah, who's at a comedy club? Ugh. Oof. Ugh. Every man in the bar looked like he wanted to kill me. Come on, come on, come on. Don't...

Don't do this to... Don't... Don't wrap yourself... Don't wrap your identity with some fucking whore The story is gonna end with a and everyone clapped right? Everyone clapped yeah, everyone stood up and clapped for him. The guy at the bar asked me to touch his dick And bless it I'm like the pope of pussy Everyone is so jealous of me Man, I get to touch her boobie. She let me touch your boobies. Yeah, I got to you know buddy

Come on I know it's lonely out there, but it's not this lonely the problem is is her plan is longer than his plan All right You got to have the long, wherever the fuck you go, the one thing I've learned in this life is you gotta carry your knocks, right? You gotta what? You gotta take your knocks with you.

Oh yeah. If you got your binoculars, you can see down this path, how far that's gonna take you, down this path. But whenever you come to a fucking crossroads, I'm always coming to a fucking crossroads I'm finding. Ehh. You gotta have your knocks. Don't do this friend shit.

Don't write in this email about like, yeah this is gonna be a variety story. And then it's like, actually I'm a small little guy. Aw come on, you're better than this. Fucker. He's not better than this. That's why he's writing this email. You can be better than this. You's not better than this. That's why he's writing this email. You can be better than this. You should be better than this.

You... Try to fuck her a couple times and then leave. Go... Even... Withhold your attention. She's obviously gonna fuck you to get attention. UGH! Physically go to a sporting goods store and buy a pair of binoculars to always remind yourself

Wear them around your neck even like a fashion statement, but remind yourself you need to look ahead my guy What are you gonna go out there as friends when she's getting fucking plowed by some actual douchebag crypto guy You're just gonna still go out and go to comedy clubs together. You think that's gonna happen No, all of this is nothing. It's all it's all going away. At least at least fuck her. At least try. Yeah cuz if she makes a better art piece than you you're gonna feel real dumb. She paid this is in bold she paid for my drinks that night. I didn't pay her a dime. This guy pays for drinks? The closest I've come to paying her, who gives a fuck about paying her, is making sure I have crosswords for her. Oh.

But even then, she shared hers with me too. What is this? What is this fixation with money? If you're broke, just say so. The escort is giving me crosswords for free Okay How about some? How about some pussy for free? That's Look at these. Hey guys check the out check out these crumbs. I got them totally for free It's like when you go to Korean barbecue and you get all the little sides, right? Oh, you get the macaroni, you get the like fucking, you get some of this, you get something like, oh cool.

Look at this, she let me eat her side of macaroni. It's like, that's cool. What about the meal? I don't know. I like the macaroni. Yeah. No you don't. I like eating macaroni in the fucking time. I like eating macaroni on the side. It says nobody terrible Most likely this is gonna be an absolute dumpster fire

disaster Well, she'll just it's just everything ends. I mean, what do you want to have the have a nice friendship with some? chick some hot chick? No. You don't. It's not gonna- it's not a horrible dumpster fire disaster. It's just, oh man, I really should have fucked that chick. Oh man, what an idiot. It will be a horrible dumpster fire for you.

Yep, yeah. You will not be a second thought in her life. What happened to all this shit about her her improving her life and all this cra- You know the best way to improve a woman's life is to fuck the shit out of her. That'll do it every time. Oh. But my life aggressively refuses to be boring and normal. So we're gonna see where this goes.

Maybe a follow-up story in a few months? Oh my god. It's gonna be an obituary. What! It's gonna be an obituary. What? It's gonna be an obituary. Yeah. We get... Dead.

Dead. Here lies Beavis. He never scored. A normal guy, everybody. My life refuses to be boring and normal. Sounds pretty... Going to a comedy club with a woman you're not having sex with? That sounds... It's pretty fucking boring and normal That's the most get over it get over yourself

You know I do crazy shit, man You know I go to the comedy club last week I went to this comedy club and Comedian made fun of me because he was trying to fuck my date. Yeah And I didn't know at the time, but that's what he was doing. I let him hype me up. You know Pictures below from us spending the day together. Do not show on the stream. I don't want to dox myself. I don't want to see pictures of your date.

Look, I'm happy for you, but you know, you gotta... I'm also from the future and I'm telling you, you gotta try to fuck with the shaker. Right, yeah. You're gonna regret it. You have a short time to really pull up, you know, pull up on the fucking handles there. Really course-provoking.

Yeah, pull back on the stick. Yep. You're in a nosedive. You can't tell because the gravity's fucking up the sensors. Yeah, you're floating around in the cockpit having fun, but man, Earth still exists.

You could cook off your tits. It's a mess. Why would you... That's for them! That's for women like that. Oh yeah, I'm such a whore, look at me. Yeah. It's like a pain in the ass for me. It's like...

Then it sticks. Yeah! You're blue balling her you're pissing her off That's pisses me off. That's pisses me off. What kind of woman wants to go to a comedy show and not get fucked at the end of it? Well, she did get fucked cuz she went to a comedy show With that guy. Oh, yeah, seriously well adjusted. Maybe your diary. Maybe this fucking guy will fuck me tonight How many comedy shows I gotta go to? He's always trying to improve. He thinks he's a fucking horror whisperer over here

He's always trying to get me to learn how to use Excel. You must improve your own life She's doing fine. Don't worry about it. She'll be fine. She got to figure it out Yeah, you can't afford it figured out. Yeah. You can't afford the comedy club. Yeah, you can't afford to be figuring this shit out at a comedy show. Man. Fucking blue balling everyone. That's crazy.

Check me out. I'm just having some drinks at a comedy show. Are you jealous? No, I would rather be dead than go to a comedy show actually. Yeah. Nothing, nothing better than the forced drink buying at a comedy show. The fucking watered down drink at a comedy show.

I can taste the last comedy show drink I had. Well, all right. Good luck, men. Please try to fuck her. Please do it for Johnny. Grave Digger! The Grave Digger! If it's not just a bunch of like vroom vrooms and engine sounds then it might not be him. He says, hey Dick, should I acquire to the cause of death for Vito's friend? Who killed herself. I didn't know that Vito didn't know how she Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I've seen it happen to a lot of people with different projects really. This one guy, his wife died while she was making pizza. How, I wonder how that, throw the pizza up?

Ha! Did she put the wrong thing in the oven? Oh yeah. She got in the oven instead of, yeah. Happens all the time, her hair caught on fire in the oven. Arrrgh! Like Fire Marshal Bill. Ha ha.

She died, his wife died while she was making pizza making pizza how how the fuck do you die making pizza? I better settle the fuck down. I make pizza for now careful Jesus She never got to make the perfect pizza I remember him talking about it when I returned returned a few weeks later, his dog died. I got the dog too. When I returned a few weeks later for his dog, he had turned his entire kitchen

into a professional pizza kitchen. I'm talking huge wood burning stove, giant stone thing that works. People need closure. They go insane. Wow. Fuck. I bet he sees a

lot of fucking weird fucked up things that people go through after somebody dies I'm sure just going nuts you know man speaking of super killer not being finished yeah so I was in line at GameStop uh-huh just you know first time in my whole life getting a console at midnight was not fun or exciting, but I Got recognized by two dickheads. Oh, yeah, and One of them bought the hunt hentai cover of super killer asked me Hey, do you know if that's ever gonna come out and I said fuck buddy? I don't know. That's a veto thing But I will say

We got some great fans, man. Shout out to Rick, shout out to Robert. They're wonderful. Sweet guys, totally cool dudes. Were they buying a Switch 2 also? They were buying Switch 2s. They were buying Switch 2s? Also bought Superkiller again.

Haven't received Superkiller, got a Switch 2 somehow. Got everything else they've bought in life. Yeah, except for that Superkiller. Except for goddamn Superkiller. And even then, there's such nice guys And I tried to be like yeah, fuck Vito right blah blah blah They're like you know they're you know they knew about Vito when he still did his YouTube channel like man. That's for wow Yeah, he's got to dust that thing off

He's got to just finish super killer man when there's people in real life asking me about Hey, do you know if super killers gonna come out? I have to go you know man. I don't know I'd say ask him, but you might get the cops. Yeah Maybe that gravedigger is right. Maybe it is about that. Yeah, it's gotta be perfect for her. It's gotta be perfect The cherry red Honda Civic man, and I'm glad I don't have any of those emotions I've said it before but like once you finish a project the satisfaction that comes out of it is like wow I should just finish things. Holy shit. I got normal emotions like oh man I gotta stop I got a drink glass for the kid a lot less. That's a normal emotion. That's normal, right? Yeah

Yeah, I can't be 40 45 acting like this I'm gonna die that's normal that's normal Not like oh man, I'm gonna be friends with this whore and guess what she's paying for my drinks. No, no, no Man, that's not long man.'s not long term no okay just be honest you have to be honest with yourself you want to fuck her I didn't you just say it no one ever goes to a comedy club expecting a laugh they're trying to fuck late yeah yeah it's comedy is to be so bad, we're going to need to have sex. Forget about it, yeah. They do it on purpose, the comedians.

They're bad on purpose. They're all funny people, but they go to a comedy club and they just tell terrible jokes. So they sell more drinks. I really, I want to get a Switch 2. I want to get a Switch 2, but then I didn't want to, because I know that like release day is a scam and there's no good games on it there So but then I see people playing Mario Kart and like fuck that looks like a fun game look man I've been expecting you know, I've been waiting for a new Mario Kart since 8 came out. Fuck

Yeah, however long ago. This one is really cool. People say it's like a little like boring and whatever. Boring, Mario Kart? Well, cause there's a free roam mode on it, but it's kind of like playing Diddy Kong Racing, right? It's just like, you can drive around, figure shit out. It's kind of cool. But I'll say it's not a necessary upgrade, but if like, if you got friends and people

you play games with, it's great. Yeah. For you, you'd probably be like, well, you might enjoy the shit out of Mario Kart. Mario Kart? It's fucking fun. Dude, it's kicking my ass. I feel like I'm bad at this game for the first time. Oh! Which I'm like, what happened here? Is like, is this no longer a baby game? Yeah.

Or maybe it is for babies, that's why it's so hard. See, I'm good at video games Yeah, I never you know I remember being good at video games right now No, it's really like I was like I'm gonna fucking three star hundred feet And I've got smoked and was like you know what maybe I should be a little more respectful. I found my turbo graphics Handheld thing I saw that I was gonna give it to veto in like a box of all this my old video game shit Oh, but then somebody on Twitter told me I would put it on Twitter and somebody's like that's 600 bucks I said what I'm not giving that shit to veto. Yeah charge them six. Yeah, yeah

And it works, too That's gotta be that's automatically worth more crazy. All right patient comm slash the dick show Dick dot show everybody will see you in see you in Boston. Everybody, everyone is gonna be there, I assume. Everybody. And if you're not, then you're not somebody. Yeah, fuck you if you're not gonna be there. City, it's at a wine bar.

That's cool. So we better class it up. No kinds of not fucking whores, okay? This is a fucking whores establishment, alright? If you're bringing some hot whore in here, you better be fucking her. Not keeping track of who's buying what drinks, okay? If you bring a whore to the show, you better be laying some pipe down, either... Preferably afterwards.

Correct. Leave the show early, I don't give a fuck if you're gonna go fuck her. But there's not gonna be any kind of non-whore fucking. All right? Yeah. I'm gonna tell the bouncers that. Hey, if anybody comes in here with some hot whore, you better, and you think they're not fucking them,

you say, get the hell out of here. If you show up without a hot whore, you're going down the cop slide and we're filming it. Yeahore you're going down the cop slide and we're filming it Yeah, you're going down the cop slide if you bring a hot whore and you're not fucking her We're bringing Tyvek suits you can wear and you're going down the cop slide at Mach fucking five Yeah, we're gonna chuck you down that thing. We're gonna what particle collide your ass. Yeah That'll be the end. That'll be the end of your not whore fucking days. Mm-hmm When you have road rash on your penis knock some sense into you, you know, mm-hmm

We're gonna pelt you with bricks Throw bricks at your head. We're gonna we're gonna disassemble the Little concrete barricades with little ball peen hammers. Uh-huh getting rock chunks. We're gonna slap her tits around as a joke. All right. Do you remember that clip of that drunk wedding DJ guy and he smacks the shit out of his wife's tits to the tune of, then someone puts Phil Collins in the air tonight behind it?

No. Oh, it's great, I'll send it to you later. All right everybody, thank you. See ya. I'm pissed at that guy now. That pisses me off, man. That pisses me off, man. That pisses me off. I just hate that he framed it as like,

here's like a erotic-ish story. I'm like, you're just penny-pinching, Noel. You're pocket watching. This is like what women are reading stories like this and getting off, you know, big time to it. It's all their erotic literature they're reading about guys who are their friend and stuff And they're not and they're buying them drinks and whatever

But then they fuck them, you know, yeah, there's no there's no erotic literature where someone's not getting fucked right the manhood This or a wiener This guy just is a wiener Don't you ever write in another email like that or at least talk to me about with all this positive influence shit that you're mr Roger is in into her life teaching her how to count or whatever you're doing You see this when a jar goes like this the water is a fucking straight line. How about that? Now is your life better suck my dick. Yeah, yeah That do that Now's your life better? Suck my dick. Yeah. Yeah. That. Do that. Not this months-long shit. Not months-long game. Land ahoy, right?

That's how I'm... check it out. I'm dating this hot whore. Maybe one day. Maybe one day I'll see the land of fucking vaginistan. Oh, land ho! There it is. Yeah. About three months away. You got to land that plane today as you're listening to my voice Text her you fucking fire up that phone right the fuck now. Yeah, you say listen here bitch How'd you like to go to a comedy club? Oh, I got a joke for you How'd you like to go to a comedy club? Oh, I got a joke for you

What's better than roses on my piano tulips on my organ get over here get your ass over here I'm talking about my penis talking about my cock How's that for a fucking comedy night Fuckin all right goodbye