The Dick Show - Episode 465 - DIck on Dadmaxxing

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

A woman wrestles a semi truck, the No Kings or Diets protest, dadmaxxing, grandpamaxxing, a garage you can eat off of, Road Rage: Boston, sleep nagging, Maddox releases another banger, Will Smith releases another banger, Johnny Rocket releases another banger, AI Palestinians, "Slam Frank" (Anne Frank with Black people), over-optimising, and SNAP: Soda, Nachos, And Pizza; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Bonk. Oh man. Maybe I should have had a white cloth. Do you want one? I brought two. No, I'm dad maxing today. Dad maxing? Yeah, I'm dad maxing today. Shit. Which means beer only, no white cloths, no gay ass white cloths over here. Probably originally purchased to get some ore wasted. Well, here I am. I'm dad maxing today. Okay, Johnny, that means a lot of,

oh, oh, my fucking back and my shoulder, ah. God, did you see, did you see that garage? Did you see my garage? Not only did I see it, but I stepped in it bro. How's it feel on your little feet? That's a you never walked in something so fine. I bet feels like stepping into a palace. Oh And my garage that's the hottest garage on the block right now the coolest garage in the ball you step in ice cool It'll any savage temper. It will cool instantly. Yeah, you walk in and it felt five degrees cooler than your house even. It is. It is, bro. It's that epoxy. That hot epoxy. Is it recording? It is.

That hot, that cool coating of epoxy on the floor. Everyone else's garage and their houses and their penises by comparison look shabby, dilapidated, and insufficient. Shambolic even. Shambolicly. What does shambolic mean? I don't know. Like a shaman? It's a state of shambles.

It's in a state of shambles. Shambolic. Everyone else's garage. My stupid ass neighbor is so jealous. He came over, my wife was out there. I don't know why this fucker's coming over. Different neighbor. I was gonna say throw all this dead Bogan VIA back in his yard. No, that guy, that guy blamed it all on immigrants. So that's fine. Yeah. Okay, all right. Are we doing American flags on no-kings day?

Because I am. Are we putting up gay on no kings day? Cause I am. Are we putting up gay flags? Bro, are we putting up gay flags this year? Are we putting up American flags? Cause I'm at my ass is I'm dad maxing. Dad maxing. On Sunday, which means American flags going up. And I'm sitting on a camping chair from the seventies

with the straps that interweave and interlock. I'm not sitting on some fucking REI canvas bag shit. I'm sitting on original aluminum with the hot ass rivets that burn your thighs with shorts that go above my balls. I'm drinking a Bud Weiser beer. And I'm not hanging no gay ass flag in front of, cause they're, how did the no Kings turn? I thought it was no Kangs at first. And I was like, yeah gay ass flag in front of cuz there how did the no Kings turn?

I thought it was no Kang's at first. I was like yeah get rid of them. Yeah, but then it was Kings I was like oh, I was misinformed Think we all were cool ass epoxy Slat wall you didn't even know such a thing existed. Did you that slat wall? That's a Kings garage even that's a Kings I said the Kings right here, bitch. Yeah, this cost me this this wall alone could set me back 400 bucks You ever spent $400 on a wall and slash wall accessories man accessories

Fucking dumbass neighbor this fucking guy First of all this this fucking dude in and out of his house All day every day. Let me see it make sure we're going on rumble. Of course we're not going on rumble. Why would we be going on rumble? Yeah, we're going on rumble. All right, good, good, good, good. This motherfucker, every day he's going in and out of his house to fiddle around in his car,

and every time my dog loses her mind mind because he's like right across the street From us what an asshole so I want to set up like a camera So what the fuck are you going in and out of your house? Are you going are you going outside to get high like are you trying to hide a weed habit? From the Mrs.. So I'm gonna be pissed. I'll understand, but I'm gonna be pissed You better not be doing that shit on Father's Day when I'm trying to deadmax over here, because I will. I will wreck your ass. If you're getting wasted, if you're trying to hide that wacko-tobacco from me,

I'm bringing the hammer down on your ass. I might stick something up your ass and break it off. Something non-sexually. Don't think any kind of weird sexual shit about that. 70s rules apply too. 70s dad maxing I'm doing. Ah.

God, I, you know, I'm busting my, here, I've had it up to here with women today. Today. Up to here today. Up to here with women. Today. Today. Up to here today. Up to here. Just today. And I'm indicating above my- right at the top of my head today. I've been busting my ass for a week straight. I got a long list of things to do before the baby gets here. Like you know, it's my last 20- like that movie, last 25 hours or something, where Edward

Norton goes to prison. Oh yeah. And he's gotta do all this stuff. I didn't see that movie because it looked stupid, but that's the movie. And I gotta do all this stuff, you know? I gotta delete all the whores from my Instagram. Like, I can't have my,

I can't have my baby son look over and see some fucking whore bouncing your big old fucking tits on Instagram when I'm trying to look it for Cocoa Melon. I'm not trying to raise some kind of a fucking weird pervert like me over, I gotta get these whores off of my Instagram, right? And I delete the fugly ones first,

I'm like, you fucking bitch, I don't even know why I added you, right? I see them pop up, I'm like, you miss Meringue, that's a, you dumb bitch, I don't care about this, I don't care about your fucking huge tits anymore, you fucking bitch. Doesn't matter though fucking bitch doesn't matter though It doesn't matter because the big titty whores will be there. You know in 20 years mm-hmm when the kid goes to

college or War in Israel wherever the future whatever the future happens to hold for my son The big titty whores will still be there. I'm saving the best ones for last I got my eye on this I got that my eye on a I'm like a moneyball scouter. Recruit, you scout her. Yeah. A talent scout. I think I found the next Tomy Tanaka, okay? Damn.

I really believe this. It's important to me. Everybody invest. Yeah, but you don't wanna, I don't wanna spoil it cause you know, what have you been back in time and you've got, you found Tomy Tanka and you spoiled it and then she never took Her clothes off or did any hardcore pornography or anything. Mm-hmm. Imagine that Don't spoil it. Imagine that right? You gotta keep that close to the key. I'm just observing

Observing and reporting to you. I'm not even gonna say her name because then somebody's gonna go, you know queer the deal for me Queer I might keep, I might keep her. I might keep her ass on my Instagram. Oh, even despite my dad maxing, I might keep her dumb ass. Got a fucking weird face too. I'm like, ooh, it's all lining up. Got a weird ass face, big old honking titties.

Oh, oh, oh oh hell yeah Japanese because they got this look the Japanese girls oh like they're looking through time you know oh oh I don't know what the non-focused oh oh like they're looking at the camera but they're looking straight you know through it yeah what the fuck are you looking at are you looking through time you're seeing seeing all the electronics involved. Oh, is that what they're doing? Like the Predator? The Japanese? The refraction through their eyes is like...

They see all the schematics pop up. What was I talking about? This fucking guy. So I'm dad maxing, right? Put the epoxy in on the floor, the garage. And I didn't know it would take three days of leaving the door open. Ah, shit. To cure it and shit.

I didn't really, I didn't do any research because I gotta do all of this shit before the frigging baby gets here. Uncle Maxing is over. Dad Maxing is now, gotta get shit done, I gotta get a slat. Well, it looked like, my garage looked like a hoarder house. It was piled up to the very tip, tippy top.

Shit leaning against the rafters, you know? No longer. It's perfect now. You could eat, you could eat right off the ground. In fact, I encourage it. You could eat the ground even. You could eat the ground. It's great.

So clean, you could eat the ground. This dude comes over. my wife's in the garage cleaning stuff up and he's like, oh, well, why'd you do that? And I'm like, I could hear him from inside. I'm like, motherfucker, don't you talk about why you did this. This fucking guy, they're digging some dirt or something

when they're doing the deck and he comes over and knocks on door and he goes, hey, can I have some of your dirt? I'm like, what the fuck? Get out of my, get out of here. I don't want to know what, I don't want my dirt in your yard. Yeah.

Go buy your own fucking dirt. That might implicate you in something. Yeah. Hey, what is your dirt doing over here? Why are you asking? People don't usually ask about dirt. You see it in a big pile. Dirt's very precious up here on the mountain.

Whoever controls the dirt, you know? Yeah. He goes, well, I think the hill is eroding, so I just try to get dirt and put it on. I'm like, are you like Shawshank Redemption in your house? Is your family put up with that shit? Are you always like, hey guys, hey kids, let's pick up some dirt on the side of the road?

Maniac shit. I go through all this stuff. I have to keep the garage open for three days, right? And I try to keep it a secret. Yeah. Because I'm like, oh, my wife's not gonna like them. So you guys, do you remember, did you remember to close the garage?

And I said, ah, the thing about that is, see, because of science, she's like, I already don't like this, the way you're explaining it. I'm like, ah, fuck, all right. I fucked it up already with the science thing. I have to keep it open, honey, for three days. She's like, what? What do you mean three days?

Like, for the chemicals to like, cure, for the epoxy to cure, for the ground. You know, you said it looked great and it was beautiful and that you wanted it too, even more than me. So it's really, you really have to blame yourself. She goes, I don't like that. Someone's gonna break in. Like, you think they're gonna fucking duck down

into the chemical factory in the garage and fucking crawl across the uncured epoxy and try to break into the vault door that the garage is. She goes, yeah, I don't like it. Find a burglar stuck there like flypaper. 20 burglars. Get me the snow shovel. I got to go to Home Depot and get a snow shovel.

She goes, I don't like it. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah a snow shovel. She goes, I don't like it. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, okay. And here's the amazing thing about my wife. She got herself so freaked out that she's, I wake up. I wake up and I hear her going, someone's trying to get in the house. Someone's trying to get in the house.

And I look over and she's fucking sleeping. She's having like a sleep nightmare a sleep terror Screaming about someone getting in the house because she got so worked up about it And I'm like you mean to tell me so I'm sitting there like this with my arms folded in bed I sit up put my little hat my little nighttime hat with the little ball on the end I pull my flannel pajamas over sit like this. You. I pull my flannel pajamas over, sit like this, you know? I put my flannel hat forward. She's like, what? Why are you so pissed off? I'm like, you mean to tell me you found a way to nag me in your sleep? That was... you couldn't do it. You couldn't get it all out during the day. It continued

into the sleep. That's a whole new level unlocked. Yeah, I didn't know they could do that. I didn't know women had developed that science. So, whatever. Finally cures. I move all the shit back in that nobody wanted obviously because it's all trash. I don't even know why I have it. And I'm proudly showing off this beautiful masterpiece that I have in the garage. Sending pics to everybody, you know, your garage sucks, your dick sucks as well, by extension. That's what people see. You know it too. I tastefully covered up all the crooked ass ways I put the slat.

Well, because the fucking plaster is crooked. The plaster is crooked, you know? Because they didn't have so many illegal Mexicans in the 60s and they build houses, so everything's crooked as fuck. And I get back. I get back from a friend of mine, woman, says, oh, this is so cute, you're nesting. And I said, bitch, what the fuck? What? Then I get another one, oh yeah, you're nesting. I'm like, what the fuck is this?

I'm cleaning the fucking, I'm cleaning the garage over here. You fucking broads just will not miss an opportunity. You're gonna have to dad max a little harder. I'm gonna have to dad max up your ass. Big time. The door, you know what, actually? The door's going back up tonight. It's going all the way up.

It's none of this halfway shit. The door's coming off. The door is coming off!. The door is coming off! The garage door is coming off! It's exposed! We are exposed! Now port. To the bums and the elements, bitch.

If I hear one more fucking comment about nesting, the door's getting blown right the fuck off! And everyone will feast their eyes on the new king the new king of town and his beautiful epoxy you can't even dream of having a floor this nice you can't even fucking dream it but it will be a waking nightmare for you every day when you have to walk by and see that this motherfucker not only Has the most beautiful garage in town, but he also has no fucking door because it was blown off presenting Reduced to nesting

So you you're nesting. What's up? Are you let me see if I can do this. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E failure where we have no Kings a bunch of fat octogenarian boomers took to the streets and said they want two things no Kings and no property tax to fund any of the fucking things that I think the other things they want what are you gonna say about that they say no Kings and no Wendy's either no Kings no Wendy's The only King I want is a Burger King So they were protesting this in the more K. Yeah, I thought there would be Burger King at this I don't know why I put it on my sign. Yes. No to Kings. Yes to Burger Kings and then this oh

Man, you thought Hale Hitler was the was the song of the decade Johnny whoops. I know it's the song of the decade? Johnny? Whoops. I know it's the song of the decade. You thought that, but you're wrong, man. You're fucking wrong because no one was prepared for this fucking banger from King Will Smith. Yes!

I see we're entering a new Willenium here. Welcome to the new Willenium! I like pretty girls. I'm not gay Like pretty girls man, you guys are over there hailing Hitler. I'm just all about giant women. This is You're too fine for the line especially you this fat one you're too fine for the line. You're too fine for the line. Especially you, this fat one. You're too fine for it. Wow. I like that he's rocking a Cosby sweater even after the allegations, you know, that turned out to be false. Freedom. What's crazy is Smokey Robinson put out an album called Gazums, which is... Gazums? Oh my god, that's a... Were they gazoming? What's crazy is Smokey Robinson put out an album called Gazzams, which is... Gazzams?

Oh my god, that's a... Were they gazzaming? That whole record is something. It's a gazzam? What's causing the gazzams? That's just what... Girls? That's just what he...

I don't know, man. You just have to listen to it. Absolute banger. I thought we were going to be stuck in some kind of hyper politicized post-Kanye-Hale-Hitler world, but then Will Smith just refreshes, raises the bar, refreshes everyone's palate, and reminds us that it's about mindlessly worshiping dumpy women who are all over 30 for some reason in this video. I don't know why that was necessary.

Maybe it's some kind of a requirement. I don't know. You didn't want to get too turned on. Well, you know, it's cheap labor, man. Oh yeah, over 30 for a dance video? Yeah. That must be quite a casting call right like 60 bucks for a day rate. You know, whatever Boston

Roarage Boston w ATP live Boston this Saturday this Saturday, right? You excited we're flying in probably have a party on Friday. I'm fucking excited, man. I'm fucking excited, dude. We gotta find something to do on Sunday. Cough cough cough. Cop slide. Cop slide all day? All day. Just extravagant. We're gonna take over the cop slide. We're gonna have a Yes King protest.

Maybe we'll do a No King protest. I don't know. Gotta get a read on the city. What we'll do is we'll set like a, like shuffleboard, right? We'll set out certain like distance markers out of the slide. Okay. And however far you fly out. Gone for distance. Is your political affiliation.

Ha ha ha. Ah, here's some, here's some footage from the No King's protest. This one in particular caught my eye. I don't know what the cause of it was. This, I think this semi-truck is a king of some sort. Or was hauling a king or maybe had the king's ransom in it or the king's booty. And these fat women decide that they've had enough

and they're gonna stop the semi truck from kinging it up. Here you go, let's see. Yes, stop it, you queens. Look at her laying, look at this. That's how I, that's how they teach linemen the advanced technique is you use your all shoulders shoulders you stand at the line and you push back You know?

Yeah get a grip she's getting a grip on the light She's wearing a mask, obviously. Fat and stupid. Let them go! Let them go! Hey! Get off the truck! Let my people go! Is that the truck driver? He just stopped? He's like, alright, alright. I'm not gonna run this. I'm not going to prison. Well, clearly this is the reincarnation of Moses.

You know, with the let my people go... What people? Fat women? I guess so, yeah. Well clearly this is the reincarnation of Moses, you know with the let my people go What people fat women I? guess so Let them go. Well, it's the it's all the other illegal people she owns. Oh Let him go let him come back. Yeah, I need my cheap french fries exactly Exactly. Let's see. Stop the people! Stop the people! Wow. Stop the people! Stop the people!

She's hanging on. Now she's hanging on for dear life because she's going to fall over. She's blowing both hamstrings. Stop the people! Now she's holding on to this tiny ass little mirror strut here or whatever that is. No! No! You won't take my fucking name off! Don't take my fucking name off!

Don't kill me! Don't kill me! Don't kill me! Get the fuck out of the way. No! That's gotta be like a Lay's potato chips truck, right? Don't fuck with me, bitch! Get the fuck off me! No! I can't! That's gotta be like a Lay's potato chips truck, right? I can't count! Stop! You're the fucker!

Stop! Hahaha! What's wrong with these people? They're old! They're old! They should be... They should know better than this. You would think, right? Mm-hmm. Did she win? Did she lose? Stop!

See this little Mexican lady in the back trying to push the two? Yeah, kill her! He's building up some steam! I'm gonna give this bitch a workout! BAM! I'm gonna give this bitch a workout. Bounce, da-dun, da-dun. Oh, the heck goes off! Don't fucking kill me! Don't kill me! Don't kill me! Don't kill me! Kill her!

Kill that bitch! Don't fucking kill me! Don't fucking kill me! Don't fucking kill me! Let my people go! Is she ripping the little logo off the front? Her hands are like a rock climber's hands. This is doubt fire.

Let my people go! Wow! No kings! No! That guy's just filming up close for his channel. Let my people go! Are they Jews? No, they're illegals, right?

Her people are the illegal aliens? My people go! Illegal Mexicans. My people go! They're deep, bleeding out dust! My people go! They're deep, bleeding out dust! My people go!

Just let them go! Your separate, raiding family! My people go! Your separate, raiding family! My people go! Alright, I don't know if I can take... Downtown is covered in fucks. I imagine so, yeah.

Have you seen this footage? No, not really. If there's an empty space downtown, someone has written a fuck on it. It's really like, as someone who enjoys cursing, it's a little much. That sounds to me like a little much, you know? Every single surface.

I mean, I try not to carpet every single surface with it. You know you got to have a little bit of a little bit of space Fuck guys fuck Trump fuck diets Everything fuck everywhere you look fuck fuck fuck like how the fuck are they gonna clean this off? Who's gonna clean this shit off? We're gonna have to read graffiti at all. Yeah, we're gonna have to find a way to turn clean this shit off we're gonna have to read graffiti at all yeah we're gonna have to find a way to turn fuck into something nice like maybe just make it say puck or something just go around and change it to say puck puck Trump like the day the world turned Filipino yeah okay puck Trump puck Trump puck Trump it's too many fucks!

Man, you know people say they don't have any fucks to give, but... Looks like- They gotta be running out. They gotta be running out. I've never seen such a- I've never seen such a thing. I thought that, you know, just when I thought LA could be as low as- Low class as possible, Yeah.

They go and blanket the whole city in fucks. You know, guys, there's, there's at least one kid here, okay? That doesn't need to see 10 million fucks. Yeah. You know? You're kind of ruining it, to be honest. Losing it. I don't even want to say it anymore because it's just everywhere. Yeah. You blew it. I will say, I never know why I don't capitalize on investing in Restoleum or Krylon before big protests and shit. Damn.

Power wash it? No, the spray paint companies. Oh, yeah. They should make exploding ones. Just leave it out like an exploding spray paint can. I would invest even more. They hit it, it goes, and blows their hand off or something. It's a two-way nozzle, so when you spray forward it sprays you right in the face too.

Yeah, it sprays out the bottom, it sprays water right in your dick. So it looks like you peed in your pants. You're like, haha, fuck Trump. And they're like, hey, everyone's like, hey, look at that guy. He in your pants you're like haha fuck Trump and they're like hey Everyone's like hey look at that guy he pissed his pants while Spray painting feck fuck Trump and he sprayed himself in the face. He sprayed himself in the face. What an asshole like those exploding cigars Can it's all like unfurled and shit

Dude the exploding cigars They're funny as a kid, but now as an adult man, it's even funnier. Now I could imagine really, now I could imagine it being real, and that shit would be fucking hilarious because it takes so long, you know, you to work into a nice, like, cigar puff and then it hits some sort of an M80 in there and blows it up. Or M100, M20, which I don't know which way it's supposed to go can't be too dangerous with a fat circle in your teeth fuck yeah we need some exploding spray paint cans I'm sick of the fucks dude it's too way too many

fucks it's fucked down downtown! I mean it always has been. Well now it's like, literally, literally Fucktown downtown. You wanna go to Fucktown? Not really. No, not- It looks like shit. It looks like fuck. Bunch of fucking- God, the Mexican women have gotten fat downtown. Yeah they have, man. Ugh, these poor, cajones-looking motherfuckers

rolling around. How about fuck fat bitches? I need to see one fuck a fat bitch down there. Fuck! You know, I was cruising around with my girlfriend the other day, and we saw a No Fat Chicks sticker on a lower Jetta, and I was like, man, first off, a lower Jetta

and No Fat Chicks? Nice. We really did go back in time. This is awesome. Going back to the 80s, man. I'm Tad Maxing us all the way back in time. Dude, it's great. I'm taking a straight fucking back to the original sins, man.

I had the realization on the drive up that we've been looking at the ice raids all wrong, right? Okay, I'm listening. Very, very negative light, very like, ooh, like ice and raids, right? Square, yeah. It's a lot of- Negative.

We gotta think of it as the start of white boy summer, right? Yeah. Cause like it's the enforcement of even. Oh, the enforcement of the ice, of the, of white boy summer. Right. Yeah, yeah. It's not ice raids, it's of the of white boy summer right yeah It's the beginning of white boy summer. Oh, yeah, we're kicking it off with some ice red That's a little more crisp. No you can't say ice raids you just go oh It's just part of part and parcel of white boy summer. Yeah, yeah, it's just how do you how do you kick that off?

You know with some ice parties exactly man, you know you just gotta know with some ice parties exactly man you know you just gotta even the score a little bit I guess these fucking fat bitches get some movement on these fucking hoes you know shoot those little peppercorn balls and those those pepper balls they're shooting don't work I don't know what I saw I've seen three I'm seeing three cops like fucking whip these protesters with the bats on top of a horse they got to something they got some kind of a Liberace baton, I think they call it. They're sitting on a horse, guy comes over, fucks the horse, shooting fireworks at the

horse, and the cops are just like, sissy paddling them with, like, rapiers, you know? Like a fencing rapier. I'm like, don't you guys have like a baseball bat or something? You can crack these motherfuckers? Where are the weapons that you guys are supposed to have so the horses took matters into their own hands the horses get pissed that that guy was coming over talking shit the horses start kicking the guys ass I swear to god I saw this on TV the horses are like uh uh uh and then the guy starts getting up the horse walks away and goes uh like one for good measure the horse fucking kicks him

horses are smart man yeah it's like good for the horse fucking kicks him. Horses are smart man. Yeah, it's like good for that horse Take shit from these assholes shooting fucking fireworks And then I'm thinking where in the fuck are horses coming from downtown? Do they have like a secret horse stable? Oh, yeah, right? Where the fuck do they keep them? Where the fuck do all these cop horses come from? That you always see but I know but there's no There's no horse pasture Where they have them in like the basement of LAPD? This is like all of Santa Clarita

Yeah, right Okay, Sam Sam, Rita. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. They've been riding in they started riding three days ago. Yeah, that's what I'm wondering I'm like to these fucking cops do they mount horses and like Encino? And then they're gallivanting all the way downtown? How does this work? So, my wife looked it up, she goes, yeah, there's like a horse, a cop horse ranch up in Griffith Park by Dodger Stadium. And the cop horses are like customized,

like a special unit, like battalion. And it's their horse, they pay for the horse and take care of the horse and then they fucking drive the horse in a horse trailer downtown I'm like you're telling me that these idiots go through all this trouble to take care of a horse get the horse put the horse in a horse trailer drive the horse downtown put all their cop shit on get onto their horse show off go around downtown, and the best they can muster is this little sissy slap when the protesters start fucking with them in downtown Fucktown? Man, imagine you do all that work! They're probably tired.

Some fucker comes over to fucks with the horse, you get a fucking bat to the head. Fuck that. Little rhinestone batons. Yeah, they might as well be wearing like, they might as well have big train like Liberace. There's a little fucking sissy. Why has old shields and faces on horses, man? You should be like you should have like Fascist cracks, you know Yeah well

I felt like it was a missed opportunity to do like the whole Roman thing and just like, you know I have a spear and just start fucking yeah, you know hit one of them with a fucking spear wham just Casually just ride through stop on that's all just right in the chest for you right in the face for you. You know just My nephews were over. Oh, man. I sent my family a picture of my like Fixing the garage up mm-hmm, and it was about 80% done And I said yeah, honestly this is how about how far I get in everything like I could never do the like fixing the garage up. And it was about 80% done. And I said, yeah, honestly, this is about how far I get in everything.

Like I could never do the, I never really finished anything. But I'm dad maxing today, so shit's getting finished. Shit's getting finished, yeah. So my mom calls me and she goes, do you want help doing that? I'll come down, you know, I'll come down. I was like, yeah, sure, it'd be nice to see you, right?

And then I get a text, like in an hour, and she goes, oh yeah, your dad's coming too to help finish. And I was like, uh-oh! And I overdrive, I'm like putting shit away, because I have nightmares of my dad going in my garage just throwing shit, you know? Oh, what are these, electronics? You don't need these, uh, dumping the trash.

Yeah, I'm surprised. Nothing has motivated me faster than the idea that my dad's gonna come down and help me clear and shit up. Yeah, that's actually a good motivator. He was a huge help though. We spent the day yesterday putting together lawn furniture.

Sick. I was riding his ass, man. I'm watching him put stuff together. Like, what are you doing? Why are you using that allen wrench that came in the box? He's like oh it's okay. I'm like stupid. So I bring back my power drill and use this drill right? He goes there's not enough room. It won't fit in the thing. I said stupid. I went into the garage again. I brought I got one of those 90 degree drill bits you know.

Was it sick? Those are sick. Yeah, it's like, here, fucking amateur. You're doing amateur stuff over here. It's really, really bad way, really bad choices you're making. How do you do shit by hand still? Your fingers are gonna be very sore tomorrow, okay? If you keep that up, you keep up that behavior.

Ah. Well, at least it was seems helpful it was super helpful and now it's fucking done now I can delete more whores off Instagram I send him a little message to Get out of here whore. Yeah, I say dear dear fucking Prissy lima beans. That's how I'm gonna do it. I'm no longer following you, but it's not because you don't produce, uh, killer content.

But it's because I'm dad maxing today and I don't want my son to see your whore ass on my Instagram when I'm looking for cocoa melon shit. Don't let that discourage you. Don't let the loss of my followership discourage you from producing rockin' content where you... Well, if you're really dad maxing, we should be sittin' in front of the TV fuckin' crushin' the fuckin' cube right now.

Crushin' the fuckin' cans, bro! Let's do it. Whole 36-pack cube. Let's finish this show in fuckin' Pounda. No, no, dad maxing isn't a 30-pack. Dad maxing is either, it's two six packs. We each have our own. Right.

Yeah. A six pack, yeah, the cube is for if you're a construction worker. Yeah, that's construction maxing, which is a lot like college maxing. Right. You know, frat maxing. You're talking about frat maxing

and construction maxing right now. I'm talking about dad maxing, you know, frat maxing. You're talking about frat maxing and construction maxing right now. I'm talking about dad maxing, okay? I think construction is what single-handedly keeps 7-Eleven in business. Yeah, with the cubes? Well, the cubes. Because you don't want to race. When you have a cube and a bunch of guys, you're racing.

Right. To make sure you get your share. Dad maxing is, this is my six pack. No, I was talking solo cubes. Okay. You just gotta, you know, because then you could take your time. You could speed up, you could slow down. Solo cubes? You got- Motherfucker, I'm too old for a solo fucking cube. Maybe a solo cube of Odools. Fucking body hurts. My fuck- can you believe my wife was nagging me in my sleep?

I was like- I was like, guys are never gonna believe this that you're fucking talking about Hey, you don't like the garage having to be open for three days And then you go to sleep and you're still fucking writing me about that shit Freaking me out waking me up screaming about people breaking into the house That's like when you go to a hotel and the alarm clock has already set Fuck was like, how? How was I sabotaged from beyond the grave? How did you fucking do that?

Now I gotta watch her ass before she goes to sleep. You better not be talking about any shit. Gotta show her Coco-Mellon before bed. You need to watch some Coco-Mellon. Fuck, man. Goodbye, whores. That's what I sing as I delete them. Like, goodbye horses, but it's my own version. Goodbye whores. That's what I sing as I delete them. Like goodbye horses, but it's my own version.

Goodbye whores. Unfollow. Whoreses. Goodbye whores it is. We're doing a bonus episode. Tuesday do we decide? Wednesday. Wednesday, yeah. Buffo bonus episode.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah dude. A fly out Thursday. Fly out Thursday. Fucking rage maxing man. Fuck yeah dude. Fly out Thursday. Fly out Thursday. Fucking rage maxing man. We're gonna. With Carl and Vinny. Flight maxing. I'm gonna slap Vinny when I see him. Boston maxing. Boston maxing. Just talking like an annoying asshole for three days. I'm from Boston. Oh man. Boston Maxing Real Boston. I love Mark Wahlberg for his acting Peter Griffin Maxing. We're gonna be Peter Griffin Maxing. I'm gonna do some Peter Griffin Maxing

This is gonna be a life-changing event for us man. Hell yeah I got in trouble at baby class again, too. How? What did you do this time? First of all I bombed again. Because they do that god damn thing where you ask your name. I hate that activity. I hate it. Because it takes me a lot of effort to act normally all the time, you know? Like, don't tell anybody you're thinking about murdering people, just act normal, you know?

Don't stare at something weird, don't roll your eyes, you know, that wasn't funny. It's fucking, it's like, it's usually couples that come into this thing and they, they just tell you how, they just tell you the many ways that your life is gonna get worse, but they don't phrase it like that. And it's just a lot of couples who are pregnant,

but then this one, this one woman comes in, pregnant, no father, right? And she proceeded to be totally insane. And I'm sitting there trying not to let, everything she says, I'm like, I just want to say, I have a question. Is it possible that you don't have a man with you because you're fucking insane?

And every question you ask, I'm like, you know? Like, no, no, can't do that. Gotta have to just, nothing that she's saying is crazy. Saying that you can't let your dogs eat your baby's diapers and she's known two dogs that have died from eating diapers, that's totally normal. There's nothing weird about that to have said. No, who would, you know, who would bat an eye?

And yeah, I just wanna say, and you can't let dogs eat diapers because they'll die because of the toxins. And I was like, oh, here we go. This, here we go. You found the homeless lady in class. Yeah. Fuck.

Half homeless. Some chicks are, yeah, they are. They're practically, you know what, Johnny? The homeless men that are like schizo and cracked out saying gobbledygook about fucking 5G and weather machines and shit. Those fucking, the gender fucking swap are women walking around with rhinestones out Stanley cups, pregnant and class on Saturday, and they're not homeless, but they're just as crazy.

It's the same, yeah. It's the same. The men on the street who are homeless have a matching woman on the street who's just as cracked out of nuts, but some guy's sticking it to her, who's like a hedge fund manager or something, so he's not sticking around.

He's got a lot of work to do. Mm-hmm It's like prison too just as many women belong in prison you just hard to catch him on shit, right? Would you like uh? You belong in prison for that like? For less even yeah for less just as many women should be in prison as men are in prison the things they do are just as bad. And, you know. Well, they're evil in different ways.

They're orthogonal. I've always said that women's morality is orthogonal to men's. We have men have good, evil, good on one side, evil on the other side. Dishonorable things make you go that way. Honorable things make you go the good way, right? But women's morality is orthogonal to that. So the good shit, it's good and evil, it's all mixed up. It's just the self and the unself at the other end.

Very tricky, very tricky ladies. It's the game of justification. Yes. Um... Oh yeah, they're doing around doing that dumb introduce yourself game. My guys, my name, I don't know. I had nephews but I never

changed them so... And everyone's like, haha, give me a laugh. And I'm like, I never fed them either. Crickets. Hahahaha Hahahaha I'm like I never fed him either crickets God damn you people I was asking questions and Getting a fucking weird looks from everyone my wife's like well It's cuz you ask questions like a fucking psycho like there's no reason to be that intense I'm like I'm not intense when I'm asking questions I just don't laugh after everything I say like every other person on the planet for some reason is

Like in what time do we do this? Like why are you laughing? It's what you just asked. What's wrong with you? Why do you all do that? Why do you all laugh after every goddamn thing you say? Are you so fucking titillated that you're making sounds or what? You're just sitting there like gripping the chair just like I am, yeah Like I'm holding the baby, you know the dummy baby They gave me this goofy this like giant ass Chinese baby this time

It's like what the fuck is this? Feels like a watermelon It's like and his head was this big like who is who is this for? It's not if this isn't a baby. This is like a giant baby, man This looks like beetle juice from Howard Stern that you gave me what the fuck is this I gotta act normal about this Well, that's gonna be your baby, dude. Yeah, I have a question and how long is it? How long is it? Dan I'm hungover too. That didn't help they can always tell They can always smell it too. No, I feel...

I didn't want to think about that. I'm like, what do you mean you can smell all the sake? I have no idea what you're talking about. Sake doesn't smell? I can't. Yeah, I can't smell it. How long is the baby supposed to sleep in the room with us? Why are you giving me a weird fucking... Oh, sorry. How long is the baby supposed to sleep in the room with us? Why you give me a weird fucking oh, oh, sorry how long is baby supposed to sleep in the room with us? I forgot I gotta act normal everything I say so fucking funny

You should have asked that lady if Like well is like one diaper acceptable to eat as a dog Dude, she said you gotta make sure your dogs don't eat the diapers cuz they're full of toxins and they'll die That's the lady teaching the class says well, I can't speak to that I don't know like she didn't want that to get out there You know well, that's what I've been funny to like ask her like is there like how what's her experience? And then she said no, it's true. I know two dogs That that died and I'm like of all, it's a unique,

it's a special kind of woman that refers to knowing of dogs as knowing dogs. There's a unique template that Satan produced that's kicking out broads that say, I know a dog versus I saw a dog or I know of a dog, but they fucking, in their minds, they refer to the or I know of a dog, but they fucking in their minds They refer to the dog like it's a guy like it's a person that they know like oh, yeah, I know Johnny like oh Yeah, I know a dog. Yeah, I know that dog like what do you mean? You know that dog?

One screwdriver away from fucking taking apart the microwave man But they're taking it see the men crack heads take apart electronics You know the women crack heads just take apart people's minds Yeah, you know they're like oh, yeah, you're cuz you're a Gemini or fucking you're a fourth house Pull the wires of my brain take my Myers-Briggs tests like no. Thank you crack head bitch I think I'll just go be acting normal. Not doing any of this crackhead shit that you're always doing. Man, what four letters are you?

Yeah, are you an INTF or a TNPS? Oh, bitch, I'm taking apart a fucking microwave over here. I don't have time to take apart my personality. I got computer parts to sell, god damn it. I gotta see what makes this computer go. I gotta take all the cameras out of this microwave because the government's fine You're talking about which personality test has all the cameras in it. Mm-hmm Which one gets all the bugs from under my skin she comes in fucking flops down in the middle of room like oh, baby

Here here where you go. We're cooking today Somebody knocked you up? Ooh, boy. That's fucked. That's rough. Well, I guess you're not a big fat Mexican woman trying to wrestle it. What do you see that woman wrestling a van?

You know? Maybe she thought it was like a competitor. It was like a Don Quixote kind of situation. She thought it was a big buffalo she was trying to eat. Yeah, a big buffalo she was trying to wrestle. Big dragon. Yeah. You know?

Mm-hmm. I'm just going to flip this fucking van over. Then I'll get these kings right out of here. I love the like, maybe if I just yank off the marker light or something, it's not like a video game. Yeah, she wanted to win. It's not going to cause damage to that. Yeah. It's not like a video. Yes, you want it to win. It's not gonna cause damage to that. It's still gonna keep going.

At first I gotta target the window, the mirror. And I'll take off this little insignia. Even if you kill a guy inside, his foot's probably gonna land on the gas and run your ass over anyway. I'm gonna enjoy the fuck out of my garage and I'm gonna keep the door open all the time and every time that neighbor comes out, I'm gonna act like I'm gonna enjoy the fuck out of my garage And I'm gonna keep the door open all the time and every time that neighbor comes out

I'm gonna act like I'm just loving it like I'm having so much fucking fun That you I don't know why you asked my wife why do this implying that it was dumb Man, but I'm having a fucking fantastic time over here I spilled orange juice, and I just licked it off the ground because it's so clean. It filtered it even. It filtered it. The little shards that are sticking out of the epoxy made it even better. Um... So part of your dad maxing is you need, um, like a big, like, 9x9 square of carpet in there.

Like, just shitty old carpet that was probably from the house at one point. Yeah. Gotta have cigarette burns, oil stains on it. Maybe put like a workout bench on there. That's Midwest dad maxing. Still dad maxing. It is dad maxing. I see what you're saying.

You just, you know. I see what you're saying. That's grandpa maxing, if I'm honest. It is grandpa maxing. You're right, actually, fuck. That's future, you, Mac, okay. We gotta do- I'm not, fuck. That's future you, Mac. Okay. We gotta do- I'm not- I got bad news for you. On my timeline, I ain't doing no grandpa maxing. We gotta get grandpa minning at that point.

Unless I go out of my way to fuck up my kid, so I knock somebody up when he's 16, and that's the only- the only way I'm grandpa maxing is if I'm fucking- if I'm going hard in the pain for grandpa maxing. Otherwise I'll be fucking paint for grandpa maxing Man like what does grandpa do like he just sits in the garage all day and smoke cigarettes You're watching matlock man like don't bother him talk about Bitcoin. Mm-hmm. Oh Man uh Let's see what else. Oh, yeah Israel got hit with a bunch of hyper missiles, man This is fucking look at this shit damn. They fucked with the wrong one here This is like I'm used to seeing Israel get bombed and it looks like fireworks, you know

They're like we and then the Iron Dome goes and they blow up. Yeah, check this shit out. I think this is I Think this is real. Let me see bricks just in BAM did you see that damn wham oh blam oh wham fucking boom iron don't aim hit iron don't mean hitting that boom whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo- Boom goes the dynamite man, god damn. Whoops! I'm gonna rethink this one boys. You don't have that many people. Pretty incredible. Got one through man.

Snuck one past the goalie. I don't know if their goalie can catch them when they're going that fast. That's pretty quick. A ballistic missile like that? I don't know. I'm not up on all my missile-y shit but looks pretty fast to me. That's pretty quick. A ballistic missile like that? I don't know. I'm not up on all my missile-y shit, but looks pretty fast to me. It's funny this week we had, I guess the people programming OS, the software that people run that is upgraded and installed all the time by media companies. The software that runs in our collective brains, when we get together, we say such asinine, stupid things

and are completely unable to notice anything. But then when we're alone, we're like, oh yeah, fuck this. I don't know how that software machine is able to keep people from noticing that we've got the Mexican flags flying around right all day Mexico yeah We own California. Yeah, and everyone's like spurging out about how they're flying foreign flags You know like well. Yeah, they don't really they're this is I got a news for you guys. This is Mexico

L.a.'s fucking Mexico. I don't know why you think it's not, but the flag should clue you in. That they're flying Mexican flags. And everyone's like, oh, that's fucking horse shit! They're flying foreign flags! Okay, well, you know, kill them then. I mean, I don't... like, alright. Whatever you... You're right, but what are you gonna do about it?

Uh, then the very next week... the very next week, almost overlapping, almost at the same fucking time, we've got, let me see this, we've got like the entire Congress flying the Israel flag. Look at it, every single one is posting shit like this. This giant Rep Scott Perry pray for Israel, like Israeli flags all over. And I think, you know, do you guys, did you not just cry and grandstand about how the Mexicans are doing it

and it's like the worst thing ever? And then almost not quite on the same day but on the same week you're playing Israel flags how how do you the the speed at which people's minds are getting erased and Filled in with bullshit is working so quickly that they can't eat that they can't remember a three-day window You know at that point. Yeah, or maybe, and maybe we'll squeeze it down. It's like Moore's law where computing power

has to double every 18 months or something like that. I forget what exactly it is. It's they're doing the same thing with like the retention, the memory retention of the average person to where you can no longer remember even a week ago. Maybe even three days ago. A guy could come out and say, flying a fucking foreign flag is absolutely un-American, is a traitorous. You gotta get these foreign agents the fuck out of here. Three days later, we gotta do something about Israel. Look at this fucking big Israeli flag that I've got back here. And everyone's just

sitting, maybe they don't even notice or maybe they just don't even care because they know they can't do anything about it. Maybe they're enjoying it actually. What am I talking about? Who wouldn't like a total refresh every 72 hours where everybody forgets everything everybody ever did and you can just wake up from being a fuckhead and Get up walk around and say that wasn't I'm not a fuckhead. I'm cool. And mr. Nice guy, actually I don't even know why you don't even know who you're talking about. Maybe you're a fuckhead Hey, you're a fuckhead for thinking that I was your fuckhead for thinking about me being a fuckhead But it's getting tighter and tighter and tighter and pretty soon It'll be the same fucking day maybe even the same maybe even at the same time these fucking Mexicans flying that's traitorous anyway

Let's pray for here's an Israeli flag pray for Israel It's crazy the noticing the noticing is just crazy Nobody ever read this the snitches and it shows man. What's the sn sneeches? You know that dr. Sois book dr. Suites Dr. Sois yeah, I never had no sneeches. You know you don't remember the sneeches? No. It was about there's the star belly Sneeches who thought they were all cool and then the regular ones and then this asshole comes into town and is like yo for five bucks You know I could put a star on your belly Okay, so they started doing that and then all the star belly ones are like pissed Wait a second. You can't be like us. So then they're like wait I want the star removal machine and then something this guy's like great swap them swap them

Yeah, start swapping the fuck out of everybody now. Nobody knows who's who and he leaves and is like sick. Thanks for all your money That's your money Retards and it's like man Chill the fuck out Yeah, I'm really I'm starting to see the young men's I'm starting to see the appeal of brazen Unironic Worship of Christianity

ironic worship of Christianity. Because of all the flags that I see flying, not one fucking flag indicates to me that I'm gonna be helped in any way. It's the fucking gangsters and fat bitches downtown, of downtown fucktown, waving around Mexican shit, Congress is waving around Israel shit, other guy, people are executing each other in the street for Palestine shit or whatever, is waving around Israel shit other guy people are executing each other in the street for

Palestine shit or whatever and nobody's nobody's I don't see one flag that's Indicating they're gonna the person's gonna help me out. So maybe it's a yeah, I got it. I can't maybe I mean They're not saying they cat Catholics are saying fuck you. We're gonna fill the country with immigrants. They are the ones doing it. Like they are literally the ones doing it. You guys always go nuts and blame the Jews for everything, but the people with the boots on the ground

who are bringing the immigrants in, you know, by the truckload, the people moving the women and the men from here to here across the border, those are Christian charities. So you're wrong, but I get it. I guess is all I'm saying. Maybe there's some kind of like hyper judgmental version of Christianity that I can get behind that does nothing but sits silently and judges.

Okay, let's see here. I could sign up for that one too, that's cool. Sign up for that one. Uh... Uh... Yeah... Yeah... Uh...

Oh yeah, okay, here's a writer getting laid out. I love these. Getting decleaded while I look for some stuff. Oof. Buh buh. Here he goes. That guy throws the thing at a cop. See the pepper balls do nothing. This guy throws a water bottle at a cop, gets shot with pepper balls. Now here we go.

Dun dun dun dun. BOOM! Now here we go. Dun dun dun dun. Boom! Da- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That must have felt hey buddy check this shit out wham Off his fucking feet the craziest part about this is he has wired headphones house. Yeah, I was thinking that BAM That's awesome Must have felt good wired earbuds rather yeah wired earbuds So when he hit him he would have felt you know you know, he got all fucked up and twisted up. Ah! My fucking headphones are pulling at my ears! Man.

Fuck, it's one already? Fuck. Oh, yeah. Who cares about all that shit? Fucking dumb bullshit. Never mind all that shit fucking dumb bullshit never mind all that shit here comes Mongo BAM I Want I keep watching the riot footage hoping to see like a guy dressed like a candy gram going around that would be That would be good Coach cake here's the comments coach cake Cake, see you guys in Boston. Coach Cake, another zinger from Maddox. Hey, check this shit out. Okay?

Maddox is back. He's back, baby. This Fox News- Okay. Let's see here. Oh, he's responding to Fox News. Okay. Well, that's kind of off-brand for him, I guess, but whatever. As long as he's making content, that's cool. Let's see what he said. Is Soup Gay? That's the name of-hmm Have you seen this already? No, I saw that it exists, but I haven't watched it is soup gay Is it a while Maddox will tell us oh? shit all right Let's see here this Fox News host claim how the fuck do I turn on the sound it's just me

Means that men shouldn't eat certain foods like here we go here we go this Fox News hosts that men shouldn't eat certain foods. Okay, here we go, here we go. This Fox News host claims that men shouldn't eat certain foods. It's like you don't eat soup in public. It's very effeminate. And he's right, eating soup is gay, so I've decided to rank all the soups to determine which one is the gayest. First up is chicken noodle soup. It's hearty, nourishing, and there's nothing gay about it. Except for the noodles, because they're soft.

And real men are never soft. Next up is Italian wedding soup. First, it's based around a wedding, except for the noodles because they're soft, and real men are never soft. Next up is Italian wedding soup. First it's based around a wedding, and all weddings are a little gay, like kissing your bride and being happy, which are hallmarks of being gay. Also meatballs. Next up is gazpacho. It's cold, it's sour, and it's chock full of onions.

It's barely got any gay in it, unless you add cream and heat it up, making it tomato soup, which is a little gay because it's considered comfort food and being comfortable is gay. Next is French onion soup it's right down the middle 50% straight because of the onions and 50% gay. Dude he sounds old. Yeah. He sounds really old. Dude the years of beatdowns been wearing him down. He's like a weathered stone. Wow. Yeah. Okay. So French soup is half gay because of the French.

And that leads us to butternut squash. This is a very gay soup. First, the squash itself, which is one of the girthiest vegetables in nature. And if that wasn't enough, it's also called butternut. The words butter and nut together are among the gayest words in the English language, right next to in-

She said butt and nut. Yeah, buttnut. That's gayer than butternut. Yeah. Butternut. But nut squash? No thanks. You know, he still doesn't get it.

If he had written all this crap and gotten somebody, like a character voice guy who could read it, this would be successful. Well, the thing he also missed too is he called the tomato soup a comfort food in that it would make you comfortable. Come. Well, no, well, not that it's like a thing that like, it's like a nostalgic thing that's comforting. Yeah. It's just like, oh like is like a nostalgic thing that's comforting Yeah, just like oh this one makes you comfortable like it's like a pillow or a blanket or something

He's still man he's still on about soup huh all these years Man, there bro. That's you gotta add some new shit to your repertoire from banging on the ceiling. Yeah Like if there was a guy who's like, yeah, French soup, 50-50, gay, and there's like a big stamp. Yeah. That would be, I think that would be more successful.

Gets retarded, like it's his stupid idea, but. But that was his thing, right? It was he used to eat a bunch of soup. Like that was his whole like. Yeah. Inside voice. Next up is beef and barley soup. There's nothing gay about this. It's straighter than a shaft on a sniper's rifle.

Next, there's cream of mushroom. Gay. Next up is split pea soup. It's got peas in it, which is a little gay because they're vegetables, but it also sometimes has pork in it. And having pork in your mouth is pretty hetero. And that takes us to miso soup. Pork hap- getting porked in your mouth is hetero? That's gay as shit, Maddox. What are you talking about?

That's the most gay one. Having some pork in your mouth, sign me up. Don't threaten me with a good time. God damn. Fucking old ass, gay ass motherfucker. Talking about pork in the mouth is straight. It's gay dude that's F on the straight list

S tier gay this guy miss buttnut squash buttnut squash and pork in the mouth gay double gay these suck maddox your soup shit yours not even correct in your gay ass in your gay soup video fucking dumb

Miso soup like me so horny that's straight and then would be ding Let's see what he does this one depends on the amount of tofu you have in it Which is inversely proportional to how straight you are and finally bro tofu damn and if you have a man bun oh Oh, tofu. Damn. And if you have a man bun, oh. Oh. Tofu's for vegetarians, they're gay. Oh.

Oh my God, bro. Thanks for all the brevity and all the levity. For real, bro? Tofu, vegetarians, gay? Finally, cum is the final soup. Let's see what he says. There's clam chowder, which is the gayest soup of all. It's gay for men because of the cream and it's gay for women because of the clams. It's just gay for everyone.

The clam thing was a good joke. Finally. Wait, is that a blue slime shirt he's wearing too? He's owning it. He's gotten so fat he had to sew a collar onto his bedspread. This Fox News host claims that men shouldn't eat certain foods. Like you don't eat soup in public. It's very effeminate. And he's right, eating soup is gay. So I decided to rank all the soups to determine which one is the gayest.

There, right there. That's the screenshot I wanted. The gayest. The gay. There he is, everybody. There he is, right there. We found him. The gayest. Bro, you too old for this shit, man. Well, he's complaining about soup because it's's the nursing home he's in, right?

Yeah, that's like Andy Rooney shit. There was like seven soups for each day of the week that they give it to him. Gazpacho! That's the gayest one! Aw, bro. What's he gonna do when he retires? He's got no fuck. He's got no money.

How's he gonna retire? I don't think he can. Maybe I can put him up in a nice home. That would be funny. I mean, like a bad one with rapists and stuff. Maybe he'll just go to jail. Maybe he'll go to jail. He will be enjoying prison.

Thanks Coach Keg. Connor Hughes says, Slam Frank the musical. Oh, yeah. Have you seen this? Oh, what's this? I'm so glad he sent it in. I was going to bring it in at some point. I feel like I may have sent this to you before, but... Okay. What is this shit?

...actress playing Anne Frank. And this one, and this one, and this one. What do all of these actors have in common? They're all white. Our world has been getting more and more diverse, but our Holocaust narratives have not been able to keep up. Until now. Slam Frank, a new musical, music and lyrics written by Andrew Fox, book by Joel Sineski. Okay, so this guy's doing a diverse Anne Frank.

The story of Anne Frank has been whitewashed, undermining the important role that people of color had played in the Holocaust. And this musical, Anne Frank, is reimagined as a spicy Latinx woman, perhaps the most important musical of our generation. Let's see. I've created a new musical called Slam Frank that combines hip hop, spoken word poetry and mucho diversity so that we can have a version of this story that is prescient and relevant to future generations. We're going to be giving a concert premiere of it in Los Angeles this March so subscribe here and on my Instagram

For song clips sneak previews and more so this is a tuned take a look at this actress I didn't I never followed up with see if he really did it. Oh, what the hell man come on. I got to see this slam Frank Los Angeles Okay Asylum it said it looks real holy shit Frank, Los Angeles. Uhhhkay. Asylum. It looks real. Holy shit. Wow dude, it was real. Yeah, like he was posting a lot of videos on it.

And I saw it was like- A bold and inclusive new hip hop and Frank musical about being true to who you are even in the toughest of times. Tickets are on sale at the Linktree, okay? Tickets to, yeah, tickets. Where is it? Oh, it's only in New York? Dude, it's still going! Holy shit, it's a real, it is a real thing.

Yes! Asylum New York, fuck! Dude, it's still going! Holy shit, it's a real- it is a real thing. Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss I do, Road Rage New York. Road Rage Slam Frank. My friend opened a comedy club out there. He better host Slam Frank then. Yeah, we could all go as a group. Okay, thanks for bringing that to my attention, Connor. Yeah, thanks for sending that in. Easy Peasy says, last year Amnesty International made these AI-generated posters of Palestinians dying in protest,

in protest, dying in protest of Israel being allowed to be in the Olympics. Honestly, I find these aspirational and hilarious. Let's take a look at them. Maybe we can all get some enjoyment of them. Okay. These are Amnesty International made AI images of Palestinians dying

To protest the Olympics Okay, so that's an Israel Like swimmer Competing in the Olympic event and also drowning this Palestinian zombie at the same time. If you look like that, you're already dead. You're not getting drowned. Long dead, yeah. You're a zombie.

Well, she's starting to float, so he was pushing her back under to, you know. During the Olympics? Wow. Boycott genocide, okay. And this is Taekwondo in the Olympics? That guy doesn't, man. Okay, so Amnesty International made these,

so they can't really lay into the stereotypes. So we have a guy that looks like Captain America doing judo for the Israel team, choking a little boy dressed in street clothes in a stadium full of the Olympics. Yeah, this is... Did they focus test these on anybody? This is a No Kings kind of ad. Oh, geez. Now we have the decathlon. Israeli decathlete with a sniper rifle

shooting at a little boy. What's crazy is it would be such a bad look if we had generated this. This is what Amnesty International is doing with their money? Just give the money to me. Yeah This is not good propaganda that first of all that's not a good shot at this little boy because it's going over here mmm, uh This is a kickboxing person The Israel person is the athlete doing kickboxing and and they're roundhouse kicking an old Palestinian woman

in the head. Yeah, that's cool, though. Well, maybe this is prep, right? So they're going to send all the Olympians to go stomp them all out. They're going to go to Palestine for training, like Rocky IV? Yeah, we have a Palestinian drowning. We have roundhouse kick. It's mr. Miyagi

You got a drown of Palestinian kids as you're swimming. Mm-hmm Fuck man these both of these people both of these countries are Really doing a bad job on PR For they've been doing a bad job in PR this whole for for the last year, they've been doing really stupid stuff. Yeah, yeah. You know? So much so that I don't even really,

it sucks what's happening, but I mean, I fucking hate the Iran guys. Iran was great before the assholes, before the church took it over. It actually was. Yeah, all the chicks were skinny, hot, going around, you know, partying. Call it Persia still. No, that's Iraq, I guess, right?

No, Persia's Iran. If you call a Persian woman Iranian, they'll get pissed off. They get pissed. Excuse me, they will reveal that they're pissed off. They were get pissed off. They get pissed. Mm-hmm Excuse me, they will Reveal that they're pissed off. They were already pissed off. Yeah. Yeah That's with women. You just It's not about pissing them off. It's about giving them an excuse to show you how pissed off they are all the time Okay, well, yeah, that's cool. A woman alert.

Woman alert. Dear Dick and Johnny, when I was growing up and me or my siblings were asking for something expensive or asking for fast food, my mom would always say something like, I can't afford that, I'm not Rockefeller. It was kind of her way of saying we have food at home. We have McDonald's at home, right?

We have food at home. We don't need to get that. Once my older brother was old enough to take a middle school history class and learn about who John Rockefeller was, he decided to be a smartass one day. He asked her if she even knew who Rockefeller was, and she didn't. So she got mad and told him not to talk back to her.

I'd just like to test her historical knowledge some more and see what she knows. Smooches for Big Sean and the ass farm in the sky go fuck yourself Rob Yeah, that's a fun game. That's a fun game. What do they know do they know anything? No And getting mad about it this part woman alert a Magnet that turns off your apps for $60 A magnet that turns off your apps for $60. Woman alert.

I don't like that. Hey, Dick, yesterday my wife was talking about how she found a device that will help her control her app addiction. It's called Brick, and its whole marketing scheme seems to be aimed directly at the white women of Instagram. Oh, really? Get your face rocked now. Something...

Fuck. I inquired about the box. Vito wanted to do it a whole stupid way, but I started asking about the box. I gotta get back on that, that'd be funny. It's an NFC on a magnet that you put on the fridge. Tap your phone on it and it disables a bunch of your apps until you tap it back on okay so you tap it and then you can't

use Twitter and you tap it again and you can use Twitter so I told her it's a 14 cent NFC chip glued to a magnet that they sell for $60 then. She questioned what an NFC is. Well, yeah. OK, brainiac. People don't know what a fucking NFC is. I tried telling her she could set a screen time limit and achieve the same thing.

Nope, you're making mistakes. You know too much, man. Yeah. An argument with your wife is not the time to demonstrate how smart you are. You're not... That's never... You're falling for it. I tried to tell her that she could set a screen time limit and achieve the same thing. Hell, I could even program her her own NFC then go do it. That's the last thing you should be saying. Yeah. Because I know she's gonna brick her phone for real if I let her. Her only response to this was a perplexed look on her face.

And she said, yeah, but this is physical. Worst of all, if you lose the brick, which they will, you can just use the app. You need to download, of course, to brick it, which invalidates the whole point of having a physical thing Not no, not really. It's There's something I learned when it comes to product development is a And anything in life really and I'm sure you've experiences as well. There's at some point you have to fire the engineer Yeah, so you could get it out. point, you have to fire the engineer so you could get it out. Yeah.

You have to get the product out. If you have an engineer on too long, they will fuck with it and fuck with it and fuck with it. And they don't have any concept of how people use anything. Right. And the way he is describing this, I'm like, no, you're fired. You're fired. She's actually making more sense than you.

It doesn't even matter if it's a physical thing. Yes, it does. He's fired. That's how people think. If it's a physical thing in the real world is more important than some conception of thing. Just cause you know better. Doesn't mean everyone's gonna use the product like you.

And you won't use it. You will use it how everyone uses it by the way Really I'm just mad I didn't think of something this retarded first scam all these women. Yeah, I believe that Anyways, great show smooches for Johnny go fuck yourself Chris. Thanks Chris Yeah, I don't want to spend 60 bucks, but I'm not saying all that I'm gonna myself you just yeah you can't once It's a good idea It is a good idea But the thing is unless you have like a 3d printer and all this shit to where you can go you know what? Let me just make one yeah, and then you can produce something and say hey here. It is you know something better

You know I imagine, but you know you can't You can't explain to a woman all the technical stuff only because they just don't care. No one cares. Yeah, you're right. Like, no one cares. No one wants to know how much you know about a thing. They just want it to work.

I can get this and I can stop doing apps. Once you start explaining that, cause the thing is, is like, your wife knows you. She knows that you fuck up probably quite often and so something that you make is now something that you're gonna have to fucking support and do all this shit. It's gonna cost you more than $60 to make that stupid app. You were gonna lose sleep because she's gonna be like hey, can you make the thing work again? It doesn't work. Yeah. Your little app doesn't work I could have just bought 60 bucks. Massey, that pisses me off.

I was invited to a barbecue fest at my local brewery. Wow. Cool. Yeah, that is cool. Maybe I could get into the local brewery scene whilst I'm dad maxing. No, get into the smoking scene, but like barbecue smoking, right?

14 hours, just fucking 16 hours even. Just smoke the shit out of someone. Yeah, I gotta pick up a smoker. Yeah, you just sit outside, drink beers all day, drink buds all day. Ooh. Fucking. I gotta get a Traeger wifi smoker.

Creedence Clearwater going. Fucking listening to some bowling tapes even. Fuck it, dude. Who's that guy with the tattoos all over his face which one I Don't know man fuck Flow righta or something. I think one of them are Marcos

Post Malone Post Malone. Yeah that guy you're rocks and Post Malone out there You gotta throw it. You gotta throw it back. You're gonna throw it Post Malone out there. Nah, you gotta throw it back. I gotta throw it back to Credence? Man, you gotta do proper dad maxing, man. You gotta give...well, you already have an F-150, so that's valid. That counts. Yeah. But you gotta get rid of the Mrs. Car, throw in an El Camino or something. El Camino? Yeah, man. You gotta really dad max.

Maybe you're right. 20 massive smoker setups for 20 large teams. Whoa. Fuck. Mmm, that sounds delicious. That sounds cool, yeah. Then we got there. There's zero option to buy any barbecue.

Damn. It was a closed contest with live music and a UK painted van selling baked potatoes. It was advertised as an unforgettable culinary adventure. And they were right. I'm never gonna forget the time I wasted going to smell barbecue and leave hungry. Fucking baked potatoes. Here's a

Flyer from the event that I have here that would that's pisses me off Wow What do they think you're like a dog where you could as long as you can smell it you're tasting it Oh, yeah, it's this delicious barbecue potato that I'm eating join us at Oh, yeah, it's this delicious barbecue potato that I'm eating. Join us at Distillery Road Market for a sizzling celebration of flavors, live music, and vibrant community vibes. What the fuck?

That should have been your first sign. Yeah. As a special treat, anyone who scans in at the event entrance will automatically be entered into a draw for a $1,000 prize pack sponsored by distillery road market and lasso country music festival Don't miss out on this opportunity to be part of an unforgettable culinary adventure Of baked potatoes and smelling barbecue. Did you get baked beans and tuna?

Have you seen those abominations? Those UK baked potatoes? No. Bro, they'll put their UK beans, right? The Heinz beans? Okay. And then just scoop on tuna on top and it's like what? Tuna and baked beans? On a fucking baked potato, dog. In pure insanity.

Fuck that. Yeah. Grab your free tickets today and secure your spot for a day filled with delicious barbecue Maybe you fucked it up, dude It says delicious barbecue not delicious barbecue smells fantastic entertainment and a chance to win big A meat emoji great a grape emoji. What the hell? hmm Kind of

Someone's getting raped at the festival with some oh, there's a musical notes not grapes, okay? Oh They are shit uh bro. You should have you should have thrown a fit You should have got some of the barbecue you should have worn a cowboy hat and been like don't you know the fuck I am I'm the king of barbecue over fucking. I'm fucking the barbecue pope right now. I'm a judge. Yeah. Yeah, I'm one of the judges. Let me get some of that.

Can I get a roll too, please? Well, that's too bad. Blue. Hey, Dick Bellew here. Johnny's, they can't make it today. Yeah, cuz they made it in the past about Blazing Saddles with an S tier zinger. Love the show. Oh thank you. Love Johnny. Thanks. Well cuz they did already make it. Like. Yeah. What are you gonna do? Bring Cleavon Little back from the dead to make this? Go fuck yourself, Smooch is for Sean and Maddie. Spelled my dog's name wrong. Ummm, Sam Young says woman alert. Woman alert.

Screaming breaks. Oh, what's this? Oh no. Let's see what we got here. Loudly, when they encounter danger, while a bicycle and don't even think about breaking. So, I've seen this guy. He has like funny inventions. Like he has a, he makes a thing where if you're, so if you're using your phone in bed and you're lying down and using your phone, it detects when you drop your phone on your face and it has this shield that comes out and protects your face.

It's just most fucking Rube Goldberg kind of solutions. Yeah, so this is a device that turns women screaming into brakes, okay. Invented this mouth-operated braking device for them. Once a girl wears it, as soon as she screams, the bicycle will automatically stop. Did you see that? It's absolutely perfect. Many girls just scream loudly when they encounter danger. Man that's a good-ass invention! That's a good one. That's a man. Oh that'd be great. Someone get this guy a grant. Yeah, and it looks so stylish as well.

Okay, thanks, Sam. Green Speline, the impossibility of Greenland or a visitor from another world. Please don't read any part of this email on the show. My circumstances may be too unusual to keep me anonymous. Guys, don't send me shit that you don't want me to read on the show. What the fuck is that then? Still, you might find they are worth reading about.

No. I don't... Nothing is worth reading about for my own amusement. Listener from the beginning, first time emailer, I thought I better send this in before you get busy with fatherhood, now or never. You've expressed a jadedness for sob stories that a drowning person will drag you down with them, et cetera. Yeah, I mean, yeah, okay.

Which is a pity. Oh, because this one would have elicited much sobbing. You would be beside yourself with grief. Instead, I'll make it interesting for you. Do you know the premise of Third Rock from the Sun? A good show, which deserves a place in the canon for its commitment to the very premise. Imagine someone has fallen to earth with no history,

starting from scratch and given a rudimentary identity. In a few months, I'll have to my name a social security number, a credit history, identity. In a few months I'll have to my name a social security number, a credit history, the tan- something about student loans, no investments, a debt, an old co- I have no family, no friends, no pets, no criminal record, no chemical dependencies, no medications, no transferable skills, only an unusually high level of literacy. Mmm, that's a problem. Sounds like we've fabricated all the rest of this email.

Yeah. Uh. Shh. I mean. You know what I love? One of my favorite things in life. What's that? Is finding something out, a skill that someone has,

and not having it demonstrated. Like if somebody says, like, I can play guitar, I go, oh, that's cool. And then they don't play one. Whew, amazing. That's the best. Unlike John Lithgow's- Do you wanna hear about this dream I had?

What? Do you wanna hear about this dream I had? Nope. I had a great dream last night. Oh, that's cool. Let's go. Yeah, watch me play guitar. Unlike John Lithgow's character in 30 Rock or A Clatoo,

the aliens haven't given me any special knowledge of physics that I can trade. Oh, okay, skit stuff stuff. My only ambition besides wealth is artistic. At a time when the arts never paid worse and I'm the wrong color, I'm a straight white male, tall, handsome, somewhat handsome, but I have 100 pounds overweight. I don't put it on in the face or neck.

I'm reliably told that I look no older than my early 30s. I'll be 38. Who gives a shit? You might as well be dead. 38? I just want to know how many disassembled electronic devices are we sitting on here?

And don't say none, cause I don't believe that. It's not none, it's a non-zero amount. You'll be tempted to think that all this must be for some reason, that it's no coincidence I find myself in this situation at this late stage of my life. No, it's called a midlife crisis. I mean, they got a neat name for this.

This fucking guy who found your email in a fugue state. I Could have very easily been worth eight figures by now, huh? Man I'm telling you dude, that's 10 million bucks If you have a bottle of 409 anywhere in your house, make sure you spray it on your arms. That's what helps get all the bugs out. I should be pulling down 300,000 and have a family. Oh, well. Yeah.

Shouldn't we all. Yeah, shouldn't we all. Yeah, a lot of people conspired to take that away from you, buddy. And the problem is for all the noticing we could do, ain't nobody gonna do anything about it because it's very difficult. People who looked up to me intellectually at college

are now research doctors at Stanford, partners at New York law firms. Instead, I was dropped here by space aliens. If my aunt had balls, she'd be a space alien? Is this a meth email? I'm looking for an apartment. Once I'm moved in, my tentative plan's for the next year to cut weight, okay. Okay.

Okay. This guy doesn't play Bellatro at all. Are you working on a comic book? The next line better not be working on a comic. I plan to cut weight, work on my comic, and argue with people on YouTube all day. Especially ones who pay me money. Once I'm moved in, my tentative plan for the next year is to cut weight, to aggressively build up my credit score. How the fuck do you do that?

And to break even income wise, so I'm not dipping into savings. It's not- How do you have a savings if you're fucking nowhere, man? The aliens did that. Oh man, at least the aliens hooked you up with like a, you know, like the 10K starting point or whatever. It's not unrealistic to assume

that I'll be able to lose a hundred pounds in one year. unrealistic to assume that I'll be able to lose 100 pounds in one year. I know what to do and I have a limited experience. I know what to do. I know what to do. That's I know it needs to be done. I'll be buying a gym membership as soon as I can. This will be ins... You don't really need a gym member.

You know, you can just walk or bicycle around. Just go to the park and do all the calisthenics stop eating stop eating Yeah, go to the park and make friends with the weird Exercise machines at the park yeah, they do this will be in service to having a more Presentable appearance for whatever I do afterwards which will count for more than it should and even even if I lose only half of that, I'm still on my way. Meanwhile, though I hope to make the most use of my time, I'll take whatever jobs I have to. Okay, well, what's the point of this?

This guy sounds like my employee who was trying to have the perfect thought. Very awfully verbose for a guy out in space. The advice you've given over the years has been one to lift, which I'm doing, and two to code. I don't think that's advice. Don't do it if you don't like it, if you're not any good at it. You shouldn't be lifting anyway, or doing some sort of physical activity because you have to.

Just do something productive, not coding. But I get the sense that coding is no longer viable. Well, then don't do it. I mean, then again, there's a repeating news story. Teenagers sells fintech for millions. Well, is your dad a hedge fund manager? Then that's how that happens. And that's an appealing direction.

Being a teenager that sells a fintech, can I take a few years and do what a teenager can do? No. Yeah, you're cooked, man. You're 38. You can't do, no, you can't do what a teenager can do. You're cooked. Bro, you can't even, you've got like a year or two

to even learn new shit anymore. You can't even write like a teenager. When I look at the, yeah, it's all, second sentences are capitalized. When I look at the biography of an Elon Musk at Jeff Bezos, a Samuel Bankman freed, I see that they made their money by pivoting from degrees only tangentially related,

granted buoyed by generational wealth and college connections. Bro, there is a universe of people between you who needs to join a gym and Jeff Bezos Bro, there is a universe of people between you, who needs to join a gym, and Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk. There's like a whole universe of people that are just going to work and getting the job done. You gotta ask your alien-

What's my motivation? Yeah. Go ahead. You gotta ask your alien compatriots or compadres, whatever, like, yo, if you want me to be successful, you you gotta like you gotta break me off a little bit Yeah, give me some of that alien shit that you got right This is this is the kind of shit that you should be thinking about when you're 20 not 30 not 40 Mm-hmm. It's true that I'll have to be more risk-averse at first than they or you would have been

You need to fucking work! Get your ass get a job and go to the job! Get your fucking ass in gear! Work! Get up! Find a job! Get a fucking job! Instead of trying to apply physics you should be trying to apply for jobs. What are you fucking optimizing? Your perfect path to becoming a billionaire? Being a risk aversion? Get a fucking job! He's trying to have the perfect thought, man. Yeah! Yes! You can think about that on the bus ride to work, motherfucker! Right. If I just think about this one more thing, then it'll all be perfect. I am nevertheless tortured by hope. Yeah! I'll say. Stop thinking.

Stop thinking. Just let it go. And like maybe put the PIPA down, man. What's the PIPA? Spanish for pipe. Oh yeah, put the PIPA down. Put the fucking PIPA. What do you think? What advice would you give me in the short term? Get your fucking ass

get a job in the long term? Get your fucking ass Get a job in the long term get any job quit smoking meth quit smoking shit quit fucking with your brain Actually, you know what meet up with them eat healthy No meal prep, you know at the beginning of the week hook up with Mer logic and you guys Run the world man. You guys both got two genius ideas just fucking make it happen where should I be putting my energies into into work I wish I had been more specific I wish I had more specific questions for you yeah well there was no questions involved it was a either this guy either hit like a fucking good groove in a fugue state, which is awesome,

because I love using that excuse to not have to do things. Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't come to work this past six months. I was in a fugue state. I was in a fugue state thinking about what I should, thinking that there's no point. Thinking of how what my excuse would be when I came back was, and then I realized if I just told you it was the fugue state, you know. No, but I love the concept of it so much because it's just, it's fucked, right? But also,

apparently people do, it does happen to people, I guess. I don't know. What? Fugue states? Fugue states? Yeah. Your whole fucking life is a fugue state. Fuckin'- Going from one- That's what I'm saying-

What should I do? What's the best thing? I should do you're fucking 38, bro You should have started that that has gone. There's no more best thing you could do Yeah, you better help. They beam you the fuck back up. Yeah You're fucked you're fucked. You need to pick something. Just pick something and do it Look, you can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, right? But you got to pick what you're gonna do and fucking do a tire shop. Hey, you can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, right? But you gotta pick what you're gonna do and fucking do it. Go to a tire shop. Hey, you got any jobs here?

Mm-hmm. Oh, can I have... You know what's funny? Maddox used to say... And I don't know if he used to say this on the show or just in private. He would say shit like... Um... Oh yeah, when I had a job, I was like so motivated to write.

Yeah, it happens. And now I'm not. So sometimes I think, he would say explicitly, sometimes I think about just getting some shitty job to get that back. And I would always say, yeah, you should, you know, obviously you should do it because you're like a fucking, I don't even know why you're here. Like you're just like a burnout. You're not good. You're not good on video

Yeah, you can't read you're not good at reading you can't write Movies or TV shows for shit because you don't watch either one of them And you have only contempt for the audience and for the people who do write them the only thing you could ever do good was write like, polemics and criticize shit. Yeah. So just go get a job and write that shit. That's it.

Yeah, one of my receptionists was, she was not that great as a receptionist because she was working on Netflix stuff, or like, you know, writing. Yeah. She ended up selling shit to Netflix and became a huge writer. And she was working on uh, Netflix stuff, or like, you know, writing. Yeah. She ended up selling shit to Netflix, and became a huge writer. And it was like, oh. That worked out great, and I was like, damn.

Like, maybe I should have been working on something else too, like fuck. Yeah. But it was just like, for some people that does work, and for... Like, it's one of those things where it's like, well, Warren Buffett eats McDonald's every day. You're not fucking Warren Buffett! It's like- Maybe, maybe, maybe if you had tried, if you started ten years ago and you tried as hard as you fucking could have, maybe one day you could work for somebody who worked for Warren Buffett.

Yeah, or it's like, well Steve Jobs wears the same outfit every day. And it's like, yeah, but you- Why don't you just go become Barry Bonds then? Right. Or Sammy Kershaw. Yeah. Why don't you throw him on the list? Because that's retarded.

Yeah. Because everyone's gonna say, well that's fucking retarded. Because you're not any good at baseball. Guess what? That's the same fucking shit that you're doing here. It's not that I have a problem, it's just I'm trying to ape John Daly, my hero, you know? Yeah. The golfer.

The golfer. With the goofy pants and the cigar, yeah. Just drinking chocolate milk and some fucking here here. Here's a better. Here's a better way of looking at it. Pick out of everybody you know Who is the most successful? That's as far as you're gonna get. Yeah. Ever. Think of everybody you know Who's the most every this goes for everybody think of everybody you know Find the person in your orbit who's the most every this goes for everybody think of everybody you know find the person in your orbit who's the most successful that's your fucking target and you're not gonna get any better than that because you have no fucking idea what it takes to get better than that that's fucking real yeah that's that's real man cuz that is your life that is what you that's the that's what you've

been infused with that's what you're infusing yourself with the people you hang out with, your network is your net worth, you know, that retarded shit, but the real, the reality of it is that you can't do any better than that. That's fucking true, man. And if you want to, you better start weeding out, you better start weeding out the dead weight,

getting rid of it, and pushing yourself toward more successful people. It doesn't even have to be like people who are doing what you want to do. Just anybody you know. You know? Oh, a guy I know from the bar in a club that I'm in is a... He's a manager of a bank. Okay. Then you might become a manager of a bank.

Look, Zach Fox said the circle... He said turn the circle to a dot for the commas What okay, and I was like damn what do you mean turn the circle to a dot You weed out all those shitty people. Oh, yeah, you so now from having this big circle now Became a dot With all these givens what's the quickest way that I can achieve? the success of a Dick Masterson, I mean meet mer logic somehow

invest in Wonder Bread Start your own Looking at like one off look at like normal people They're not fucking reading to with your high literacy and shit all this verbose all this verbosity Maybe pick up something that pays well enough to save and then put that money into a degree in the next few years Okay, do that. I've been watching scuffed realtor and I have the sense that you make a lot of money quickly by selling cars Okay, do that. Do it. You know Only I've never had any interest in cars. Okay, then don't do that. I

Know nothing about cars. Well, you're gonna be at a disadvantage then aren't you fucked left and right? So I doubt learning the product would be an efficient use of my time. Oh man Yeah, you got to make has the last 38 years been efficient. Like is that the These get rich quick guys are all big on efficiency I put my clothes on in the shower and I eat while I'm brushing my teeth for efficiency. Well, so you have more time to sit around and do fucking nothing all day. Because yeah, the thing that universally

everybody could do is be more efficient. You can sit there and go like obsess about your life, like inventory in a video game Oh, what if I cut out five minutes here? What if I read a book here? Like that shit ain't real though Okay, I don't like it's a long way to go Maybe broadcast for another okay, maybe Yeah, something connects you I'm desperate for connections, advice, and mentorship. Okay, yeah, go find successful people

and ask what you can do for them. How can I help you in what you are doing? Ask now what you can do, what your country can do for you. Exactly. Don't ask what they can do for you, what can you do for them? And they'll always have something,

unless you're a fucking weirdo, you know? And then try again. Go to where successful people are, men, see what they need help with and fucking help. And that will take you, that will get you further than sitting around thinking all day, how's that? Yeah, having the perfect thought

will land you in the hospital, apparently. Yeah, and good luck. You can do it. After three days of fucking pacing in your apartment, like a fucking psychopath. There's a lot of people that work with Elon Musk that are just normal people, you know? Don't try to be a celebrity fucking crackhead.

Yeah, people realize, like, it's okay to be behind this. People don't like it's okay to be behind this. People don't realize it's okay to be behind. It's okay to just be a guy in the credits. It's almost better. Yeah, in a lot of ways. Yeah, it really is. You don't got to deal with fucking lunatics all day. People trying to kill you.

And then, you know, maybe if you're a little shitty somewhere, then it's like no one's going to come hunting for you. You're just a guy Johnny rocket says Maddox versus soup. Okay, let's see. He's got an alternative take on the oh on the soup thing This is Johnny rocket who writes the maniac that you should buy. Okay, here we go. This idiot dared me to fuck soup. No one would fuck soup. That's retarded.

Guess again, asshole. First I fucked chicken noodle soup. I really pounded this guy. We broke the cardboard box I use as a guest bed. Next we got Italian wedding soup. Love the balls on this one. Love fucking the balls that is. Then there was gazpacho. Honestly this one put up quite a fight but you all already know how it ended. Or should I say finished? Oh yeah also I fucked tomato soup. Nothing to write home about. Then there was French onion soup. I dressed up as Shrek for this one because ogres have layers like onions. That was a line from the movie. You know how hard it is to get a princess costume for a bowl of soup?

Then we have this dirty little slut butternut is right indeed. It made my pee pee go boing boing. After I fucked the beef and barley soup, I bought a rifle. Here it is, the next LA protest is going to be bananas. Hang on, this one is in soup, still fucked it. Split piece soup, more like spit on my pee pee soup.

Nezo soup, more like Nezo horny I fucked it soup oh alright that was racist and speaking of racist here's some fucking Boston clam chowder and yes I fucked it man does my penis burn and that's all for now but I will get every soup eventually comment what soups you'd like to see me fucking part two this might be like because you know how we there's been a huge banana and cowboy shaped hole in our hearts, right? I think the Johnny Rocket version of Maddox is the new wave. That's way better.

Way better. Way funnier. Oh yeah, soup's gay, I fucked all the soups. Yeah. I fucked them till they loved me. Um... What would possess Maddox to make this? He must be lonely. Yeah, probably. Um... Maddox has never...

put himself in a position where he's with someone more successful trying to help them. It's always, what do I get? What's in this for me? Why am I wasting my time on this? So there you go. Just do the opposite of what Maddox would do.

That should take you far. That should get you far enough, or at least you can figure out what to do after that. All right, everybody. This is the Dick Show, patreon.com slash the Dick Show. Happy Father's Day. Boston. See you in Boston.

And we're gonna do a fat watch after these messages. I should have pushed 20 seconds ago. Ready? Ready? Ready? Ready? F***! Presenting... Israel's got this. We need some bunker busters. We don't got this. We need some bunker busters. We don't got this.

We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters.

We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. We need some bunker busters. Israel's got this. We need some bunker busters. We don't got this.

Bunker busters, dude. That's a term I haven't heard since forever. We got some. Yeah, let me send you some from LA. You got a shitload of those tubby fucking bitches you can drop on the Ayatollah. Man. It's like, yeah, I fuck, yeah, that'd be awesome if we, you know, killed the leaders of Iran and they could just go back to being cool.

But then like, then a bunch of fucking assholes, who are probably Indians, honestly, with like lying about being Israeli. They're like, yeah, we'll just put all the, let's put, I saw this rabbi today say, we gotta take these Gaza refugees, put them in Europe and America so we could have the land to ourselves.

Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't we just send all the refugees to India? Yeah. They got plenty of room there. Why don't we? Let's send them in a sewer. Everybody, you're going to India. Yeah, wait a minute. Is everybody here going to India? Yeah, wait a minute. Why don't we do that?

One of my favorite things I've ever seen on the internet, it's like a Yu-Gi-Oh! Game Boy game, like screenshot, and it says Shadow Realm. Like, no, I'm sending you to the Philippines. Hey guys, get on the bus. We're taking you to America. Why does it smell? It smells like curry and shit? Wait diarrhea? What the hell's going on here? Why are there a hundred people sitting on top of the bus? What's that sound that I hear sounds like a guy stirring a Drink with his hands in the street Is that a Titan walking in front of us or is that a or is that a colossus in front of us? This doesn't look like America.

Yeah why is there so many people? Well what happened to all the lanes? Why is there diarrhea everywhere? Where the hell are we? Surprise Surprise Gazans, you're in India. Goofs goop for lunch. Yeah why don't we do that?

Yeah I mean fuck it. Yeah fuck it exactly. Show them some diversity, you know Let's kill the Iran guys Let everyone relax. We gotta think with all the Indians are exporting right? Yeah. Surely someone has to fill that gap. Oh, yeah There's always gonna be refugees from some country or another. Yeah. Koof said this one. This is a Snap recipient. She thinks Snap stands for soda, nachos, and pizza. Today, we heard from Felicia, a single mom of four,

who works up to three jobs at a time to make ends meet. To make burnt ends meet? She counts on SNAP to help put food on the table. Damn, wait, what did you say was against soda, nachos, and pizza? Yeah, soda, nachos, and pizza, SNAP. This is who Republicans in Congress are trying to take food away from. Listen to her story.

Oh fuck, was this the fattest SNAP recipient that recipient that they could find is the thinnest one actually oh, you know I'm at risk of food insecurity Yeah, why didn't they get like an Ethiopian looking motherfucker in there? Yeah, yeah, right. Hey, can you sell this idea to people? Not fucking Gilbert grapes mom we fucking brought Wally in Okay, let's see what this, she's gonna starve to death if Trump deports even one illegal alien. Let's see here. I am a single mom of four who are ages 21, 17, 12, and 11.

She would be what's eating Welch's grape. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Single mom of four, how old are you kids, 20, 21? She would be what's eating Welch's grape. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Are any of them named Tyrese? What kind of haircuts do they have? What kind of haircut do these little kids rock of yours? And do they celebrate Father's Day separately or? And how many door handles no longer work on your Nissan Altima? And do you call them door handles or dough handles? Hmm, dough. Uh, what would you, if you had to tell your kids. The layers of the dough handles. Hmm, dough.

If you had to tell your kids. The layers of the dough handles. Is she crying? Go ahead, you're doing good. You're not doing good. 300 pounds. She's doing evil, actually. Doing a bad job. When I had my oldest daughter 21 years ago, I was working three jobs.

One job alone. So she worked three jobs 21 years ago. Another one to pay food. You had a whole job to buy food? Wow. Yeah, maybe. Pulling six figures. Did you have to work three jobs or did you just choose to?

Like Nick Reketa's snack budget. Did you have to work three jobs or did you just choose to? Like Nick Reketa's snack budget Spent eight grand on snacks every month. Oh wow. Snacks plus cocaine or just Is that a snack? Scooby snacks too? You see all those memes with like like a PlayStation or something in like a grocery bag and it's like man I can't believe inflation so fucking crazy this month. Yeah Which wasn't enough and one bill or one to pay the bills and I still struggled alive Moving forward I am now struggling full-time

And I try I'm a she works as a full-time bus monitor Man, somebody checked a gas budget. I think the monitor was added by accident. Wait really? She's a full-time bus Fuck man, I work as a full-time bus. I'm there. Oh, well son of a bitch paint me yellow I take the horses downtown fuck down Paint me yellow. I take the horses downtown. Fuck down. All the king's horses.

All the king's horses. Ride me. Fuck. The plus bus. They call me the plus bus. The plus bus. Imagine the music that comes on and that bus rumbles on through It's the ice cream truck ice cream dump truck more like it Don't don't don't don't don't all the fat Albert

Not chosen pizza that's crazy. Being Ford, I am now working a full-time job as a bus monitor. As a bus. And I'm a driver who transports students to specialized schools in Kansas City. As an employee of the school district, I only get paid once a month. By the time I get my bills paid, I have nothing left to pay for food and other basic needs.

If it wasn't— Yeah, I mean, so you don't have a job. Yeah. Like, this is a— You shouldn't— This is a great reason to not be a single mom. Because you can't do anything but sit on a fucking bus and monitor things.

And monitor kids. You just sit on a fucking bus and monitor things. And monitor kids. You just sit on a bus staring at children. Getting fatter all day? This is a real... You know, just one of these senators will say, Yeah, well that's why you shouldn't be a single mom, because you can't do anything that's worth anything. What's crazy is like, okay,

woman driver, bad enough. Fat woman driver, mmm. Fat woman driving a fucking bus. Holy shit. This is her story. Yeah, she's worthless. Yeah. Sorry. Not much of a story. Sorry that you had to have a bunch of kids. This is my story and the whole clip itself is not even a minute and a half long. Yeah.

Well, I just had these kids, you know. Yeah. Couldn't help it. Uh... That means I do something, you know? Now my life's all fucked up. Oh, really? Hahaha.

You don't say. Hmm. God. If it was for SNAP benefits, I wouldn't be able to feed my children or myself. Get rid of them then. I work, pay my bills, and like every other mom, I want to be sure that I have enough food to put on the table.

On every table? On the King Arthur's round table. That's the table she's talking about. Well, it's crazy she's reading it off so robotically She's not like making an impassioned case like look man. I'm fucking really struggling here Like I don't have a fig Newton in 12 seconds. I'm gonna die even that would be like honest This is like and you would not believe the hardships at which I have gone through Yeah, cuz you made a bunch of stupid decisions

Yeah, it's like when you read it off like a fucking retard like... I actually think it's great that all this bad stuff's happening to you. Yeah. It's your fucking idiot. Worst things should have been happening to you. Yeah. Worst things should have happened to you sooner. Mm-hmm.

You deserve less. Yeah. Take their soda away. Our bariatric clients go to the other courthouse, the fat courthouse. God, take away their fucking soda. Johnny sent... Oh, this is you sent this to me. I think oh What the fuck is this car wash that they got this fat bitch in well, it's like a shark tail right where they have

the smaller fish are cleaning the... Yeah, the fucking whale, yeah. Full body wash, you call that WhatsApp number for somebody to come over and scrub you down? Yeah, so who knows what country that's in, but... They'll put a hairnet over you and fucking soap all your folds. Ugh, what's the hairnet for? I don't know. Cause of the weave?

I'm sure. Yeah. Well, cause it's such a caustic soap, right? It would probably ignite. Yeah, you really gotta get that stink out of there. Yeah. They're not paying enough attention to the rolls. No, no, no.

Do they wash your ass crack? It looks like it. And she's sitting on like a... Slip and slide fucking the end of one. I have so many questions about this. I was just like, wow, I'm putting this in the fat watch fucking submissions. Cause Jesus Christ.

And she's got a string bikini or some sort on. Well, it's like a tie down strap, I think. To keep it all... Tits are ratchet strapped down. Are you ready to go to the beach? Let me ratchet strap my tits down. It's like that pallet wrap shit. Those pallet ties. It reminded me too of that one...

This motherfucker's crying about finding the perfect thought. And we got fat washers here. Yeah, look at this shower. So there's that big like rinsing booth next door or like right across, however, what that distance is. It looks like they can't even fit her in that, right? Cause otherwise why would she be sitting on the table while they scrub her fat ass down?

That's actually a pneumatic tube, like at the bank. Oh yeah, just have them in there. Shoots them off. Well the thing is, is there's not enough air pressure that could be generated, so just she falls straight to hell, I think. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Fuck. Jesus Christ. Well it reminds me of that one, what's the difference between a nun in church and a nun in the bathtub? What? When there's hope in her soul, and the other, I forget what that would mean. Soap and her hole. I forget how it ends, man.

Okay. Mexico, alright. What do they have here? An unhinged protester claims that LA belongs to Mexico. Okay. Wow, look at how dumpy and fat this woman is. With the goggles and the helmet on. This is a snack catcher. So if she's all her crumbs, if she drops anything.

Oh right, yeah. So you can scoop it out of there. The land that was ours! Donald Trump! Fascism! Let our people free! Let our people free! Let our people free! Suelta nuestra fe- Let our people free!

Suelta nuestra fe- Suelta nuestra fe- Suelta nuestra fe- Suelta nuestra fe- Suelta nuestra fe- Suelta nuestra fe- Suelta nuestra fe- Suelta nuestra fe-

Suelta nuestra fe- Suelta nuestra fe- She's got a leaf blower a Mexican Captain Mexico here Scarlet Mexican witch not beating the allegations showing up with a leaf blower That's hmm I get the leaf blower but Why the every Thursday and every Friday in LA Why the Every Thursday and every Friday in LA And you go in when you go in the ocean you do you you don't take your top off, right? You don't take your shirts off put a shirt on before you go in the pool. Put shirt on if you go. Yeah, okay

Cool yeah Counting calories from Jack walk-in. Let's see Counting calories from Jack Walken. Let's see. It's like the counting crows, counting calories. What I eat in a day is a 25 ton at Disney. Oh, 25 year old, sorry. 26 year old at Disney. I'll be tracking the calories and how much this costs because Disneyland is so overpriced. Disneyland also doesn't tell you the nutrition facts of the food.

So this is all ballparks and foods that are similar to that item and Similar in size, but not exact but ballparks pretty accurately Six dollars and 49 cents at 319 calories Dog I'd have to rate this as seven out of ten it was nothing special But it was good and also fourteen dollars $14.49, 570 calories. Chips, which were okay. Oh my gosh, the best part was I got the cheesy pizza flop over when- $9.99, 543 calories. It was so cheesy. My cousin gave me a taste of his orange drink and it was so good.

Later on, I got thirsty again, so I got this raspberry lemon- $6.49, 370 calories. I didn't include the orange drink because she said she only sipped it so she didn't buy it and she didn't drink the whole thing I give this a 9 and then we headed over to Tiana's Palace and I had the house been gay sadly over the 449 385 calories I'm gonna tell because they have like no flavor. Okay now for the best part I got the house gumbo is actually so I had no flavor, but I ate it all anyway 1699 559 calories I ate it all anyway. 16.99, 559 calories.

Look at this, look at the light. It's not even like noon. Yeah. It's bright daylight. 8.49, 250 calories, the most overpriced item they have had so far. I went to Harbor Galley and I got these cookies. These are so worth it, you guys, so worth it. If you get anything, get these cookies. A go-gurt girl. I don't know why but these actually really hit today. I drink so much water today

We gotta stay hydrated. It was a six cookies is gonna be 649. It's gonna be 800 This is free because she got it from her friend and it's 70 calories for dinner I went to the Golden Horseshoe and I got some chicken tenders and some fries had ranch and barbecue It was so amazing. Literally everything was so amazing. Okay, at the same place I also had to try the funnel cake. I would give this a six out of 10. I've definitely had better funnel cakes, but it was definitely worth it.

Lastly, I went to the cheese bar and I had the strawberry jowl bit. Eight out of 10 so good. Thanks for coming along, y'all. Bye. 11.99 for the chicken tenders, and it says 1,037 calories. I think that's a little high, but I'ma go with it.

9.99 for the funnel cake and 600 calories. 6.49,37 calories. I think that's a little high but I'm gonna go with it 999 for the funnel cake and 600 calories 649 270 calories. Let's total had 5,600 Calories like Michael Phelps what's crazy is they don't show what she had before she got into the park I want she's getting on the way home from the parking lot herb How much is getting on the way home from the parking lot herb from the car? Yeah, you know, there's a jack-in-the-crack run for sure. Oh, yeah. Hell. Yeah. Yeah. All right everybody We'll see you in Boston see you in Boston everybody Bring a tie back suit if you want to go down the cops light. Yeah. Yeah