The Dick Show - Episode 466 - Dick on The Two-Seater

Episode Date: June 30, 2025

Road Rage: Boston aftermath, noisy door locks, I sit next to a woman that takes up two seats on an airplane, racist accents, one of the most disgusting erotic stories from a real man of all time, and a sneaky camera for fat women; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Did you and Riley ever sober up after that high extravaganza you guys were in? We never even got high. East Coast weed is zero effect. Okay, you never even got high. Well, that explains a lot. Mm-hmm. Mmm. Yeah, we were having a weed off. You guys are having a weed off? It was there, so we were smoking. Yeah. You guys are having a weed off

It was there so we were smoking yeah, we're just enjoying enjoying the Hot Boston summer trying not to get murdered by all the creeps out there. All right. Let me turn the hot Boston summer Let me stream this shit And We're waiting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I noticed that. I was like, we were just smoking bowl after bowl

after bowl after bowl. Oh, look at this new rumble. Look at this new fancy. Looks like shit. I bet it looks great, but everybody's got their logo right here. So it looks totally fucking stupid. Let me see if I can put this up.

Look at this. Yeah, great idea, great idea guys. Really cool mutual, really cool soda commercial background stream you have here for the all new rumble soda stream and then it just looks like total shit when you slap a random person's logo on it, which and otherwise my logo looks great. Right. Just put the logo up, put a fade on the other side Now it looks like crap. Good job you stupid idiot assholes. There we are. All right. All right. All right And Vimeo, can I say the same? There we are. All right. All right. All right. All right. I'm hearing it Yes, you're hearing it. Okay

Whoo Whoo The hot Boston summer I heard it. Yes, you're hearing it, okay. Hey. Hoo! Woo! The hot Boston summer. Enjoying this hot, muggy, shitty, ugh. I've never missed LA more, man. What the fuck are they doing out there? What a nightmare, that weather is. Terrible.

It's atrocious, man. Hotter than hell. It was hotter than hell? Hotter than a tank. Fucking...no backyard vibe? No backyard, havin' ass, Boston? Prison ass backyard? Prison ass fuckin' Boston?

Prison ass hot ass Boston? What the fuck? What are you guys doing? Stupid. It was crazy from my room I didn't know the window was cracked. Yeah, and I could hear the neighbors house and The smoke alarm chirping. Oh really? I couldn't hear it anywhere else And I heard some smoke alarm chirping at the park when I was walking I braved that half mile walk from our Airbnb in Boston to this other bar where everyone was meeting for lunch.

I heard a smoke alarm chirping from the park where some kids were throwing buckets of water at each other, running around and their dad was there, black family dad was there, and I'm like, man, you have got to be fucking hot out there running around with these fucking kids throwing water at each other and being black God, that's a good ass dad. I'm like. I don't I don't think I'm gonna be that good of a dad I'll try to be a dad. I'm not gonna try to be that good of a dad and oh

Look at your ass from the car with the AC taking my kid to the park. Yeah, go play with that dad. He's man man Like you gotta be fucking hot dude, you know you touch a black car when it's right Yeah, go play with that dad. He's man. Man. Like, you gotta be fucking hot, dude! You know, you touch a black car when it's... Right. ...during the summer. OW! You yank your handbag! Oh man, they were all sizzlin'! All the dad and the kids were sizzlin'!

I'm like, Jesus Christ, why don't they put an awning over this? Why don't they put an awning over the park?! How much could that cost?! A hun- you know, $500? Put a fucking awning over it! You'd think. Fuckin' Boston, man. Nothing about those Boston parks make any sense.

Put an awning over the whole city! Let's do something about this. All the homeless people melted and went down the drain. Riley was- or Mint was saying that she found where the homeless people were, that they were- they're hanging out in Boston. See, I always wonder what, I always like looking at what the homeless people do in every town, you know? Yes.

They're all a little bit different. Just a tiny bit, you know, well, cause it's, it's, um, access to whatever drugs are local. That's what defines them? Usually, yeah. They're three parts fentanyl, in Portland they're like five parts fentanyl in in Portland. They're like five parts fentanyl Two-parts mushrooms you either go to Hawaii or like further inland, California, and you get meth meth Yeah, the methless. Yeah, the meth homeless Zombies out in like the East Coast, you know, I didn't think about it like that way and Atlanta is just mostly chicken wings That they're homeless, hon. Well, have you have you been to Atlanta? Yeah, you will find just chicken bones

They're very industrious the homeless in Atlanta. Yeah, they have like Sprawling mega plexes of homeless where they're all the same like like urban sprawl, but it's like and not urban sprawl Mega urban sprawl. How'd you like, you were sleeping in the basement in Boston. It was great. Oh man, I envied, I should have picked the fucking basement, dude. It was great.

I tried to big league everyone and I picked the master bedroom. Yeah. Right, the one with the door attached, but it happened to be right at the front of the house. That's where you fucked up. I swear to fucking God. It had, this house had, it had one of those electronic button locks. I was just about to say, yeah.

Bro. So to get in the house, you gotta do the code, right? And then, I don't know if at the Schlage factory, they take, like when they're done making the locks, they dump bags of play sand into the locking mechanism so that you get it wrong and it goes, wah, wah! And then if you get it right, it goes, yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi- It sounds like a like a warhammer 40k kind of device that's Lumbering to life before it unlocks and then it has to lock yeah with the same mechanism There's it like a minute later, too So then what you think it's good because you're like, okay someone open the door they're in you're all set

So every fucking half hour because we had our we had our you and me there and then Carl brings his fucking cotillion of Fucking assholes or whatever. Carl brings the entire jerk store to every live show, and the jerk store, they go in one by one, they go in and out and in and out, I don't know, delivering weed, delivering pizzas, delivering podcasts, every fucking ten minutes, all night's rare rare and people be boob and then every time fuck a good gun when they couldn't open the door wasn't unlocked I'm like you couldn't hear the fucking sound yeah you gotta wait for the yeah yeah enter the code and then wait for the yeah yeah yeah it's about two and a half minutes of that and then it opens but they don't know that's a

beep boop beep boop go go go nothing right beep boop beep boop nyah nyah and then when it stops they gotta do it again to the other outside lock to the second outside lock with the same exact locking mechanism on it that goes dee-doo-dee-doo-fuck-ung beep boop beep boop nyah nyah nyah and then I could count it it was starting to drive me crazy because I'm lying there hung all or hung over or just trying to like not have tinnitus like after the show I'm fucking lying there in bed and I'm hearing yeah yeah every two and every every time I try to drift off to sleep I hear yeah yeah waking me back up because it's the second one that annoys you it's the

second one that makes you insane the The first one makes you angry. The first one makes you angry. But when you can set your anger to a timer, that is what drives a person insane. Random violence and inconvenience and whatever will make you angry. But when you can set that to a clock, it makes you fucking insane.

So every time it would start beep boop beep My head's already like here. We go Here, yeah, okay here comes the yeah. All right. Here's a second one now now they're gone Wait for it wait for it. I know it's coming I'll just go to sleep for me. I know So annoying so fucking annoying. I wish I'd gone into the basement with you Yeah There you go

You believe that? Fucking lock. I wanted to bust it out. I felt bad after coming home at like three that one morning. It was you! Yeah. Well, we fought off all the homeless at the- we found all the homeless at the McDonald's. That was crazy. It was impressive. Men- men was- mentor Riley was telling me about that, that they're just like swarming the car,

asking for a Chicken McNugget or something at the drive-through. It was like being in a safari park ride. Couldn't crack the windows. Really? It was a cruel game, because you had to roll the window down to order. Yeah.

So we're in line. So they're just waiting with their fingers in. They're just waiting. Let me get in there. Let me get in there for the chicken nugget. One guy came up and tapped, got down to mince eye level and tapped on the window and put his hands up. And she just sat there. And looked straight forward and Riley and I were just laughing like,

this is fucking insane. Uh, no, you cannot have a cheeseburger. Yeah. And it was one of those, I don't know why fast food places do this, where they do the split lane thing to take orders. Yeah, and uh it was one of those I don't know why fast food places do this where they do the split lane thing To take orders. Yeah, it's never any faster and then at that I don't know hell hole of a McDonald's. It's just to mess up your order more. They like to introduce things that They test it and if it's too easy to figure out like it's stupid person Yeah, and they don't do it, but if it's like mix up which window it was oh boy think about yeah yeah there's no way you could keep

this straight well it was worse it was understaffed so it was one asshole working both sides okay so then we had to sit there and listen for when he finally was like okay I'm ready to take your order yeah and the whole time we did we figured out that it was just easy if Mint pulled a little forward so I could do the ordering. Yeah, that's a good move. As the homeless expert on hand, I was like, OK,

I can at least deal with this. I'm ready for this. So I rolled the window down, and this guy comes up, and he's like, hey, man, could you order me whatever? And I was like, nah, man, we're trying to order right here. And he's like, but I'm hungry I was like yeah, so are we like get the fuck out of here fuck out of here Go go gadget fucking boxing gloves spring boy. Yeah, well I had that out of here, dude

Yeah, and then so we finally ordered But yeah, it was there was one lady trying to it looked like she was trying to open the side of a shipping container with her mind Oh, wait what? She was trying to open the side of a shipping container with her mind That is coming down Wait what? What was she doing? She was trying to open the side of a shipping container with her mind or with a dumpster or something There was just like Like holding it real tight and going Yeah she was bent over it at like an almost 90 degree angle just like Like it was insane

We saw one guy He had a boot on He was walking around Like a car boot or a boot up for a human like a human boot Okay, it would have been better with a car boot But he had a human boot so he obviously fucked up his leg and saw got medical attention and then never took it off Yeah And then he's like I wait for nature to take it off fucking left for dead zombie hobbling around asking for shit

There was another tweet. It was awesome. We were sitting there just like wow So that's where the homeless were they were they were totally missing from the war for wherever else we went No homeless at the wharf no homeless at the at the the green dragon Dream dragon tavern where they planned the American Revolution no homeless at the Holocaust Memorial that literally casts a shadow on the birth of American, on where American independence was birthed. No homeless anywhere in those three major landmarks, but all the homeless are at the McDonald's.

See, that's pretty industrious. It, you know, that's smart. They at least know where to go. The homeless should, they got to hang out where the fresh food is right and they should really I don't know why the homeless Haven't figured this out. Well, so here was the biggest disappointment, right? Okay. It was like hey We should hang off to like four when it's breakfast. Oh great idea McDonald's breakfast. Okay, that's when breakfast starts for yeah Oh, okay, so we wait till four they have to breakfast menu up we battle all these homeless people right and the guy goes We're not doing breakfast right now. Oh

Why? No fucking idea, but in homeless. That's why yeah, we almost drove the car into the McDonald's And to the second thing homeless should do is Squat it empty houses like why are they, you know, they say open house and all this shit. Yeah. Why aren't the homeless just sneaking in there? They should all just go to church. Or just church, yeah. Go live at the church. The church is always empty. Right, yeah. You know? There's plenty of room on the aisles and stuff. They're always trying to get people to church. Why don't those

motherfuckers let homeless people in? Like seriously, I want a real for real answer why the church doesn't fix all the homeless problems because they easily could. Just hose them off, take your little robe off, stop raping little boys for a couple minutes, hose them down, put them, put some like a car, get one of those dual purpose nozzles where you can put the soap attachment and then soap their ass off. Yeah. Right? That. Lock them in. We'll see that requires effort. A little bit of effort on everyone's part, you know? A little tiny bit of effort on the homeless, a little tiny bit of effort on the church part. Money's supposed to come in, not go out. Just give them some fentanyl. How much fentanyl could you, how

much fentanyl could a church get for, know 200 bucks probably a lot. That's interesting Yeah, yeah, just give them a little taste put it on the little wafers the communion wafers Just hand out free meals to the community slow release fentanyl slow release fentanyl. Yeah, why not? Here's um, here's Johnny doing the cop slide. We did it everybody Here he is climbing up. He's climbed up into this tower in the back. I don't know the name of the Lord of the Rings tower, but he's up there on top. I just want to say that every video and photo

doesn't do it justice. Because when you're standing there, you realize like. It's intimidating. It's like three stories tall. When we first got there, I had in my head my head when I said let's go to the cop slide Yeah, I was like I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna jump in there. I'm gonna go down. That's what I thought everyone's gonna go nuts But then we got there and not only is it Extremely tall and there's this savage hook right here

This is like a teeth busting hook the Widowmaker turn man Yeah, this is a this will either kill you or it'll make you gay this hook Not only that and not only is it like treacherous Barb wire, you know clambering army crawl. Yeah this cuz it's just made for kids Yeah So it's like being on an episode of legends of the hidden Temple trying to get up with a bad back with a bad back Yeah, and a hangover and being just fucking six five. I Said this is no slide for a fat man. Johnny's gonna have to do this

I made a split decision while we were watching it and I thought Johnny's gonna have to do this. I was excited to do it. I talked, you know I was hyping it up on the show. Like if we go out there I'm doing the slide. Yeah, it's great And it's full of kids. It's full of kids and parents and they already didn't like us there, you know we were we were laughing a little too hard at the prospects of things to You know be Be welcomed. I guess yeah, even though should... What the fuck is their problem?

You know? Why'd you build the goddamn... Why'd you build a three-story slide if drunk guys...if you don't want drunk guys hanging around it? That's on you. At least charge admission, fuck. Like... Yeah. Put a sign that says you gotta be under this tall

to ride this cop slide. Let's see how you do here. I thought for sure you'd turn around. I was like, there's no way he's crawling through all this jungle gym shit to get to the top, but you- I'm a good sport. I tracked you through the- You know, you defeated the puzzle where you had to spell banana, you know?

Which one of these is not like the other? Oh, it's the monkey. Yeah, the monkey. And it's like, boop spell banana, you know, which one of these is not like the other. Oh, it's the monkey Yeah, the monkey that's like boop boop you can pass. I had to align the statue and everything Yeah, you were going up level by level and you could see the kids like trying to squish past you Because they don't care like another obstacle to them like get the fuck out of here fucking weirdo Alright, and then you got to the top. I think this goes right where you got from the top. Guys coming down. Let's see here.

Yeah, now you're at the top. Now you start your descent. Hahaha! Hahaha! Did he get stuck? Now I thought... I thought you were gonna come out like the cop did in the cop video I thought so too and if you had done that You would have hit these two fat Mexican women like bowling pins. That's like what I was able to win for

Everything I like You know yeah, that's what I thought was gonna happen because right before I started recording this I said hey You might want to move out of the way like really quietly to them Let's see this oh Yeah, okay My god in the back oh my god that thing's not safe. It's not It's not safe. It's not safe It's not safe. It's not. It's not safe.

It's not safe. Boston. Wow. Tremendous. Beautiful city. Wonderful city. Beautiful city. Not a good bite to eat fucking anywhere. I loved in the show when I was

talking about, you can see the show at Patreon.com slash The Dick Show right now. I didn't post an audio version because it's a lot of clips. You gotta see Lizzo and Trish Party Ass talking about losing weight. I love Lizzo, Lizzo has this complex about losing weight, like she's guilty about it, but she's fat as a house. Like that's the best part. It's like this fat

This this woman who's who you wouldn't mistake for a van. Yeah, she's not quite that fat anymore Right, you know, right. She's like apologizing to the fat community For losing weight. Well, it's like telling people like as I'm drinking coffee like yeah, I could have been taller But this you know all this coffee I'm drinking stunted my growth. Yeah, I've sent in my growth. It's like damn Well, how how big are you supposed if that's what you're down to what's your feet tall? Yeah, what are you supposed to? So you have to see that and during my I think it was during my slideshow my presentation I was talking about how Boston

Lost their happy hour. Yes. Which somebody told me after the show was because some radio station held a contest where you had to drink an entire pitcher of beer. Beer? They had a happy hour drink the beer pitcher contest and the woman who won drinking the whole picture of beer got in her car and drove and killed two people so it's really I mean happy hour got blamed but the problem is also solved just by not letting women drive it's the same I'm not saying that you're wrong that it was that that it you know that you did the wrong, but the other solution would have worked exactly as well. And you had just as

much evidence. A drunk driver killed those people. Yes, true. But a woman driver also killed those people. Yes. Let's, so let's, that's more true. Let's treat all the facts equally. Don't enjoy one fact more than the other facts, okay? Try to enjoy them all equally. That's how they lost their happy hour. And I said, wow, you guys must really like to drink. And this one guy in the back goes, you're goddamn right we do. It's something like that.

I was like, you know what? You just became my favorite crowd. You are better than the throwing up in the trash guy that I was telling you guys about. You're goddamn right we do. I've been playing that in my head. I don't know, whoever you go on damn right. We do. I've been playing that in my head. I don't know whoever was that. That was tell me who it was. You go on damn right. We do. Yeah. You guys really love to drink.

You're good. Damn right. We do. Oh my god. It was actually Seth Macfarlane showed up. Yeah, I should have stopped the show and went out to find him in the crowd. Oh, sir. Well you man? Will you marry me? Damn right we do Thank you to everybody who came It's a lot of fun. It was your first show. What did you think it was amazing, man? It was a Shit ton of fun Shout out to everyone. I got to meet and greet afterward and beforehand to mm-hmm big shout out to malware Matt

Haven't seen that motherfucker in years, so they can see him in person again was awesome Yeah, the homie great guy Steve was there too. You know it's like so many awesome fans out there It's just like really it was cool to you know sign posters take pictures with people really just like I don't know I'm it was my first time actually like being on mic on stage usually I'm somewhere on stage just like behind the scenes yeah I said actually like get to be up there was like you said some you said one thing and everyone really killed, I forget what it was, something about Fat Women, I think.

Oh man. Was it? I don't know. Probably. I'll have to go find it in the tapes. Yeah, everyone go check it out for yourself and send in your favorite parts and all that. God, I missed a fat watch from Vinny at the show too. I'll play it today. It's really funny. Vinny went whale watching. You know from Vinny at the show too. I'll play it today. It's really funny.

Vinny went whale watching. You know Vinny Paulino? I do know Vinny Paulino, yes. He went whale watching in Boston with his wife. I mean, oops, I don't know if I- I don't actually know who that was. I assume it was his wife. Maybe I shouldn't say. And the whole time he's sending me pictures of all the fat women on the dock and on the ship!

And I'm like, which whales are you there for? And he goes, well the ones, he said like, well the ones, they come on by land and by sea. Both in Boston. I'm like, oh okay. Are you surreptitiously taking these pictures? Yeah, just straight from the hip, right? Yeah, my fat cam, my fat camera. This is a decoy cam. I take pictures with this hand, so it looks like I'm taking a picture, but actually,

my phone is just broadcasting what my secret fat cam is taking. Yeah. Like that, right? So I can look the other way and take your picture this way. Well, that's a classic one. You stick your phone in someone's face and just being like no no no I'm taking a selfie then you just get like some horrible I take my I take a cheeseburger and I throw it on the ground And you know then you look right and the fat women won't pounce on it because you're looking then you look at your camera The other way right, but then you have your secret fat cam and you can see it

You can observe it because they'll think you're looking Yeah, you know what? I didn't see much spilled food anywhere. Do you think the fat women get it or the birds get it? Just hoovering it up, man Okay, uh It finally happened to me Thanks for coming and it's great to meet all the new dads too Thanks for coming. It's great to meet all the new dads too. The soon to be dads.

I thought everyone that listened to this show was gay, but I guess not. Or they tricked some women into knocking them up or something. You know, I guess gay guys could have kids too. I didn't ask about, you know, I just heard the third dad too. And I was like, oh, okay.

I didn't ask like how they were gay, but you know, I just heard their dad too. And I was like, oh, okay. I didn't ask like how they were gay, but you know. Nice to hear from all you gay new dads out there. I was in New York this week for business. And this finally happened to me. This happened to me not 24 hours ago. It finally happened to me. This happened to me not 24 hours ago. It finally happened to me, where I sat next to a two-seater. On the plane ride home.

A whole two-seater plane inside of the plane. A two-seater, a real honest to God. We see them on this show all the time and we're making fun of them, you know? And there I see her. I was sitting in my seat, just tucking in. It was 9 a.m. or something, 6 a.m. my time. You know me, I'm the cheapest mother,

when we were flying home, like Johnny, we gotta wake up at six, which is 3 a.m. our time to get to the airport because I saved 50 bucks and I'm like I'm never gonna do that again and then I go to buy tickets for New York like 6 a.m. here we go I'm not paying 50 bucks. Yeah, fuck that. No, I admired that I was like hell yeah.

And thank you Carl for putting it all together. Yes, thank you Carl. Carl said he had some changes this time that he was excited about. He's like, I got some good, after last show I got some good changes. Cool.

I think it was like the Lizzo, so it was great. It was great, great show. Usually my shows, my live shows are good for about, you know, 45 minutes and then they start getting like sloppy and drunk and losing steam. But this was three, four hours. Solid, solid content. This was the Lord of the Rings uncut, extended edition of content. Ended with a bang, too.

Oh, yeah, my son's not dying for Israel. Hey, that all worked out. Trump isn't as in the bag for Israel as everybody's... Every time he pulls a rope-a-dope on Israel, I think, huh, I guess he does remember being $7 billion in debt to banks. I guess he didn't forget about that. Oh, he fucked Israel again. And then he comes out and he says something really positive, and people are like, oh fuck you, and I'm like, no

That's- that's- he's theming them. You guys really need to- you guys really need to pay attention of what he's saying versus what he's doing, because you fucking white people, you always say exactly what you're gonna do, and you do exactly what you say, Right. Or else you get kicked out of your tribe But not all tribes work like that some tribes make quite a make They really set themselves up doing one and then the opposite Anyway, we're not going to war with Iran anymore right are we over that I think so Good that was a lame week. Um tell me about this two-seater Good that was a lame week. Um tell me about this two-seater

Because I noticed I hadn't gotten a text for you until you got off the flight Was that the longest you had gone without using your phone? It was the time dilation well the the Those the gravitational pull that there was no internet on that flight, and I think she had something to do with it Well, I'm sure she blocked all those I tucked myself in To my seat my aisle seat. Ah, ah, you know? Here we go, snuggling myself in with my blanket. Ah, ah, if I go to sleep, this will hide my erection in my sleep, right?

The blanket. Some kids watching weird anime shit, like, alright, watch I'll watch 40 minutes of that that sounds good, and then I'm sitting there Thinking about what I'm gonna do on my flight and The plane starts shuddering you know And all the lights go out you know the lights go out and all the power goes out on the plane engines losing power It was still on the still connected Yeah, but you know that that sound like when all the electricity when all the electrical wingdings and thingamabobs shut down and there's that eerie silence that's what I heard with

the trembling and then they they must have had a backup generator or something cuz they kick back on damn and the seat belt sounds like ding ding and then I heard and they went down again. And then it came back, drrrring, drrrring. I see her coming down the aisle like, oh no. Oh no, I could see it. I knew it already. Man.

No. That was because that big motherfucker sat next to me on the bus trip back. So you got the double. Oh, yeah! Yeah that big black guy that sat next to you on the bus ride back from the airport yeah. But man. I was like I know he's gonna I know he's gonna look at the two of us Johnny and I were both in different that was a gamble you made because you went on the last open row. Yeah. Sitting by yourself instead of sitting next to me. I thought it was gonna be like last time where That was a gamble you made because you went on the last open row. Yeah.

Sitting by yourself instead of sitting next to me. I thought it was gonna be like last time where it was like, oh cool, we just get the back of the bus, get all this leg room. Johnny's talking about the bus that takes you from the airport to the bus terminal where we get picked up by my wife so she doesn't have to drive all the way to the airport. Yeah, it's like that. The flyaway. So I took the flyway home this last time. And same thing, you wait in line at the airport,

the bus comes by every 30 minutes, you hop on the bus, it's like $10 and then your family picks you up somewhere closer to them. And it's not a big pain in the ass. I got picked up yesterday in that thing, yesterday morning. And the guy that came out to check everybody in was like more Chinese than the guy flying the lunch junkership in the Fifth Element. Remember that guy? The guy flying the junkership around.

You got mail Corbin Dulles! That guy? Remember that guy? Let me find the guy from the junkership guy from damn fifth element Junkership, that's Mr.. Kim Leng's come on come on. Let me see it No, the guy the Chinese guy or the whatever he was Chinese guy fifth element. Yeah, that's guy Yeah, this guy don't watch it. I just want to see him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Mr. Kim. Yeah. Mr. Kim. What is that? Korean? What's Kim? There he is. Okay. So imagine this guy driving the bus from the airport

to downtown and it was me. it was me and two black guys Who were on their phones and he he comes out like dueling piano Yeah, there's speaker phones like music So he gets out of the bus Comes and he opens the thing at the bottom of the bus to put everybody's bags in it's just me and those two guys And I bring my bag over because I got this crazy thing where I want to get out of there That's not crazy dude. We don't get the fuck out of the Everything so fast is great And he goes he's bent over like this right he's bent over like this

Let the bus and he's got the door open, the world the luggage goes, and I go to hand him my bag, and he goes like this to me, he goes, and he waves, he's like, and he waves, and I'm like, who the fuck is your problem? So he goes, I swear to God this happened, he looks over at one of the black guys on their phone, he goes, Harold! I'm like, oh, fuck. the black guys on their phone he goes, H E R R O L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L L HEROOOOO! I'm like, What the fuck was that?

With this big smile on his face He's like, That he does it every day! That this is something that he does to entertain himself HEROOOOO! That's ffff- I was like, Man, I've wanted to say that

shit my whole life! HEROOOOO! One of my favorite Man, I've wanted to say that shit my whole life! Havro! Hahaha! One of my favorite parts was when we were Ubering back to the airport from Boston. Mhm. And uh... There was this... we were trying to get out of the side street, and there was some asshole in this car trying to back into a spot,

but just couldn't do it for shit. And then finally when they backed in enough and we passed by, it was this old Asian lady we both look over and we go oh no no no okay like right on cue we look over

ugh I'll never forget that face HEROLE HAHAHAHAHAHA like dude you must know that you are fucked when you that you sound fucked when you say that he's gotta know dude HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA comes down the aisle Looking like the state puff marshmallow man. She's a big black lady that she was walking like him, too You know Stepping a little like this kid dropped his Lego church, and she smashed it with one of her feet while she's walking I

Said mother of God I thought oh no man here we go, and I could smell it man. Here's I could fucking smell it I Know what the smell is now that they have mmM the fats it's lotion and shit That's what it is. Yes. That's what it is cuz they can't get everything They can't get everything in the shower or whatever they're using so then they cram the lotion in there right to stop the chafing There's I'm like okay. She goes right here sitting right here fuck me all right. It's looking like a fucking foghorn Lifting your shit up to get in there

when she crams herself in one seat and Then I see coming down the aisle This little Asian kid like oh no no and he gets to I see him she's like she's still sucking her fingers from lunch or from breakfast or leg frist whatever fat people have in the middle of the night the gorging hour when they're fucking turning pizzas into tacos. She still fucking, she sits down, licking her fingers. What a spell to cast.

No. I see this one last kid coming in, walking down towards us. I'm like, dude, just, I'm trying to signal him with my eyes, just turn around. Turn around. Blink, blink, blink, don't come down here. Don't come down here. And he sits, he stands next to me and he looks and he goes, uh, I think I'm sitting there and I look over and I'm like, dude, there's no, there's no fucking, and she says no. I bought two seats.

I'm like, oh God. Okay. Okay. So the stewardess came and took the kid and, I don't know, sorted them out. They just threw them underneath with the luggage, but I was the prospect of having to sit with a two seater, a legit two seater.

Dude, they brought the drink trays around the like the snacks, you know Oh, did she get two lunches or whatever? I've never seen anyone move this fast this Well, they sell lunches now. So yes the guy bringing the cart around He held out he held out like a deck of cards like splaying a deck of cards the sand the treats that you could have. Mm-hmm Because you want to treat before the, and I looked. I looked to see if there was anything that's just not a cookie, because that's all they do now is cookies.

You can't just get a bag of fucking pretzels anymore and plain. It's just all some sort of a cookie. And I looked, and I swear to God, I blinked and they were gone. She had reached across all the seats and grabbed all of them out of his hand. Damn.

Like instantly. He said, Oh my goodness. But kind of nice to have the extra sliver of room. What a thing to get to witness in person. In person. It's going to happen more witness in person. In person. It's gonna happen more. More and more and more. Okay.

What else am I gonna talk about? Mad Cucks. Mad Cucks called me last night. I think he might have some lawyer lined up for his lawsuit. That would be great. I don't know, they all sounded drunk and I was tired,

because for me it was like 2 a.m. Jesus. So I didn't really hear what they were talking about, but he, if I don't know, they all sounded drunk and I was tired because for me it was like 2 a.m. Jesus. So I didn't really hear what they were talking about, but he, if you haven't heard, if you didn't listen to the live show, Mad Cucks, who's become a glass blower, first a tornado destroyed all of his glass, glassmates, glass blowings

before like a glass blowing competition. Oh, it hit his studio and it messed all his glass up. And then the next week, the next week I guess he called some OnlyFans chick fat on the internet, on Twitter, and then he just has been getting pounded by her most aggressive simps who've sent all of these not even that offensive tweets to Everybody his work his glass-blowing studio and they called him in and had him explain to them like why he's saying these insulting things to like fat whores online and like

AI AI he's he's saying shit to AI accounts. Yes, where it's just like an AI generated wheelchair lady That's that has like wheels coming out of her legs Yeah, it's very obviously fake. Yeah, but they're mad cocks is sitting across from HR and they're like, can you explain this to me? And he's like, well you explain this to me? And he's like, well, I don't know where to start. I mean, that's obviously a fake image, but you don't think so, so what are you? And then I'm thinking, huh, does it matter if it's AI?

You just can't say that to an imaginary woman either? You can't tell her to fuck off? Can't think it. You can't even think it about him, yeah. I can't even imagine a woman in my mind and then I tell her to fuck off that's wrong, too Well, it was great when he was talking about how when they're reading all his shit back to him He's trying to he's sitting there trying not to laugh

Yeah, like they printed out his tweets like uh-huh and this one what do you have to say about that? It's like well. It's funny. What do you mean? What is it? It's really fucked up. I don't know how, I don't know how much he's going to get into it on his show. I've been gone for a week. So I hope he does. Here's what I don't get. Yeah. I really, I really hope somebody gets sued for this crap. Yeah. It's bullshit. You know, it is, it is, it is bullshit. I'm tired of it. I hope we get to a point where we're all just fucking tired of it. And somebody gets their ass handed to them.

Like, they wrote like a PR statement about safety and all this crap. It's like, oh god. So stupid. Fuck off, you know? Yeah. Okay, let me see what I even have here today. Something about AI. Something about the mandami guy. Did you see that guy that ran for mayor of New York?

No, I've been out of the loop this past. It's pretty cool. Came back to life. He's like a sexy kind of terrorist guy, you know. Not too sexy. He's like a liberal sexy where they got a big fucking... He's like a Pixar sexy. That's what it is for men. Picking up what you're putting down. Let me see if I have this here. Mam, Mamdami. Mammy, little Asian man. Mammy-damy!

Yeah, government run grocery stores. Okay. It's, uh, though, that's the, uh, pretty much the only thing that they say, communism, that's like the one thing that they say communism, that's like the one thing that communism shouldn't be involved in, food.

And that's the first thing that you want. All right, let's hear what he has to say. Zoran, Zoran Mamdani, Dami. Roast free prices are out of control. The cost of eggs and milk has skyrocketed. Yeah! Some stores are even using dynamic pricing, jacking up the cost over the course of a day depending on what they can get away with. Why is he holding the mic like this? It's a bad mic, right?

That's like a... He should just have it on his lapel. It doesn't need to be this way. I'm Zahran Mubani and as mayor, I will create a network of city owned grocery stores. It's like a public option for produce. We will redirect city funds from corporate supermarkets to city owned grocery stores whose mission is lower prices, not price gouging. These stores will operate without a profit motive or having to pay property taxes or rent and we'll pass on those savings to you grocery prices man

I'm so pro this guy I don't even I don't know if it's possible to be more pro His mom his own mother is probably not as pro as I am right for this guy fucking absolutely do this and Please fail so that millions millions must die Starving I want piles of starving New Yorkers Clawing at Dunkin Donuts is billions must die millions must fucking die absolutely

absolutely make a Pub great idea man government grocery stores. Where could that ever possibly go wrong? I'm sure the government can do a better job than 3% profit margins. So it would be like my fucking real ID.

Yeah. Which I got the real one in the mail finally. Oh you got it? Yeah I got it. I gotta get mine. Why can't they just fucking send it to me, man? It's fucking stupid. My wife did not feel bad for me at all. I didn't have a real ID. She's like, they've only been talking about it

for 10 years, and your guy, Trump's been talking about it for all those 10 years. I'm like, well. That was the first thing the fat lady at the DMV said. Yeah. She was like, well, it's been going on for like 10 years. And I was like. So fucking send it to me then yeah you guys send me a how come I don't my car registration gets sent to me where I have to mail

money back in which I just fucking paid for you guys have no fucking problem with that um bullshit that's pisses me off yeah that's pisses me off too so we'll get we'll get government run grocery stores at exactly that efficiency. Forced into areas with existing grocery stores, so they're fucked. Hiring people who work at grocery stores, so the prices are going to go up for the labor, right? Rent's going to go up for the labor, right? Rent's gonna go up because there's more grocery stores there now.

Competing for that and competing for the same produce, which none of them eat. I know, I know EBT people, they're not eating lettuce and potatoes or whatever. They're eating scratchers. They're going to the EBT store, selling them for 50% of what they're worth, and then spending that on lottery tickets, right?

It's great, and great, great! Get in there! Saw plenty of that in Boston, too, man. Do it in New York, don't do it fucking here. 100% do it in New York. Yeah, use New York as a testbed? Don't even test it. It's, it's, it's, we all know exactly, we know exactly where it's going. And it's not wrong, right? There's no reason that food should cost any money.

Right. It's, there's, we throw away like 70% of food. Or 50 or 70%. Still. Still. Um. Well, the thing is everyone's gonna go wow that's a great these are all great ideas let's do this yeah there's no there's no reason that food should cost any money I see it around all the time it's easy to make we got robots in the field doing it the problem is the people

not eating are so fucking stupid that they can't just show up to the place Where food magically appears for free and pick it up It's got to be delivered to them and you know with some kind of just like my real ID with some kind of mechanism that Knocks on the door and says open your mouth. Yeah, we're here comes the flying fucking mashed potatoes that I made you You could easily made yourself, but you don't Be a lot fucking better for you, too. Yeah, it would here's his Here's his demo. I Got my shit all mixed around

He's not wrong, but it's not gonna fucking work He's not wrong, but he's also not right. Yeah, that's the thing. I think that's a key part of where we've been messing up for 20, 30, 10,000 years. It's people saying, well, he's not wrong. It's like, yeah, but it's not important to not be wrong. You also have to be right. A little bit. And his way is just taking like all the need, that profit motive that he talks about. It's not a, it's not like a lust for money. Profit is like the measure of efficiency of your operation. If you figured out a better way to run it, then you'll make more quote profit. But what that means is it's a measure of your

efficiency of the way you're running your business. That's, that's it. So if you remove, if you remove the motive of being more efficient, you're gonna end up with 10,000 people feeding one guy a bowl of rice. Force feeding one guy a bowl of rice. Say, well, there you go, see? We fed one guy. Yeah, but... You didn't measure... How are all those fucking people eating? Fuck everything up, yeah. Oh, it's gonna be great.

I hope he wins. He probably won't win, he's just there to, like, fuck up the vote, like... Ross Perot did, but I do hope he wins. Uh... Here we go, Zoran's proposal taxing people more based on race, specifically white people. Yeah! I mean... No!

No! Why wouldn't he? Who doesn't wanna tax white people? White people want white people taxed more than any other race? Jewish people want white people taxed more than any other race? Every other fucking race wants white people taxed. Why would he not give the people what they want? I've heard you people, loud and clear!

Everybody in New York wants white people to be taxed until they're dead. Let's do it. It doesn't play in whatever the middle of the country but it sure as shit plays there. Shift the tax burden from overtaxed homeowners in the outer boroughs to more expensive homes in richer and whiter neighborhoods. You would say, people would say, don't put that whiter part in there. Yeah. You know? Hey leave that white part out. But what I'm saying is, the white part is more important than any other thing that he says in that this one. Yeah, they're the worst. Yeah, they're the fucking worst. This is...

This is the people who voted for him. Okay, it's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me resize this. Doodledoo. And... Under 50,000. So the people making less than 50,000 a year, this is in New York,

they're like, Nah, that guy's full of shit! That's not gonna work! Don't fuck with stores! Please don't fuck with stores! That's all we have, that and lottery tickets. People making 50 to 100,000 are voting for this guy. And over 100,000 is the most voting for this guy. Uh... And over a hundred thousand is the most voting for this guy. That's fucking insane. To fuck with the food. Yeah, it doesn't matter to you guys!

You can go to Whole Foods, right? Yeah, they don't give a fuck. Uh, Dick, can you dick around with the poor people's food, please? Yeah, we'll never see the effects of it, just fuck them. You can't just buy them rice? You guys couldn't just chip in some money and buy. Okay, then fuck it have it have your weird have your weird Whatever Rochambeau machine, what's that called? Those big machines that are all complicated the Rube Goldberg Rube Goldberg have your big old Rube Goldberg machine to

Give poor kids milk Or whatever the fuck this idiot's gonna do Mmm. I was like the idea of a Goldberg machine where you go through all that complex and Goldberg comes out Who's next? That guy? We're gonna do government-run food Man We're gonna do government run food. Man. There's nothing to joke about anymore. It was tapped, it's been tapped out. You know, it's been squeezed dry.

Just do it. Just do it and kill everyone, dude. Just do it already. Fucking do it. Yeah, do the grocery run food stores. Go, go. Finish turning New York into a ghost town. Yeah. Except for all the rich people.

Right. Okay. I got shit about LLMs. Trump saying Israel doesn't know what the fuck they're doing. Oh yeah, Carmelo Anthony, that guy that stabbed that other kid. Apparently, they spent all his money on a house. He had a fundraiser for his legal defense, but he blew all the money somehow. I don't know how that happened.

I don't know how that happened. This is a house that they bought with their legal fund. Again. God damn it. Again. This is what it was for. Yes. This is what they were gonna do with it. Everybody who gave this cocksucker money

wanted his family to blow it on a Denali with 20 inch rims or however big the rims are these days. They wanted grills, a fucking this little thing that hangs between your teeth and your lip, a piercing of that. They want, they wanted bronze ears, whatever the fuck they're doing with this money. They wanted a big fucking house. Nobody was giving money to this kid's legal defense for anything else. He's going to get some shithead famous lawyer to step in at the last moment. This is what it was for!

This was the plan! Yeah, anyone who contributed otherwise was kind of like this is what they want. Oh Fuck me hard. You won't do another one It's kind of fucked to say but every time there's like a huge fundraiser for something like oh you got a gift to Ukraine or you Got to give to this or give to that. I'm like mmm. I can't Yeah, because it's always ends up for some stupid reason It's like they always prey on people to like feel bad about it whenever and it's like. Yeah.

Realistically. Stupid white people. Yeah. I shouldn't even be known about this shit anyway. Like as a human, right? Like we shouldn't have the internet at our fingertips 24-7 knowing what the fuck's going on around the world. Like really if there was no internet I wouldn't know about this.

So really like. Yeah. Nobody would. I can't get that much of't know about this. So really, like. Yeah, nobody would. I can't be in that much of a fuck. You would just be in jail. Yeah. It's like this new, it's this new tier of person. I mean, I'm one of them that exists because the internet exists.

So now these freakish proto-humans, these freak-like myth humans exist now that behave in, you know, ways that embody just the tremendous stupidity of everyone together. Let's see. Oh, the guy who got Dave Portnoy all pissed off is back. The guy who bought that sign that said, F the Jews. Yeah. And it caused all kinds of trouble. Can't imagine why.

He's back. And I swear, I think these kids have it pretty well figured out. So I think they've got it pretty well figured out. If you make people lose their cool, you win. Yeah. It just takes one, just one or two, one or two lose their cool. It grows because the outrage catches on.

People wanna be outraged, right? The steam, you can't build up too much steam. Yeah. People want to be outraged, right? You can't build up too much steam. Yeah! So Mo Kahn has followed up his F the Jews with a TikTok where he says this is his favorite Jewish exercise. And, uh... Is the sound playing? Yes.

Is there sound? And he's on a treadmill picking up pennies. And if you look there. He actually lost one So he needs more practice Yeah, there it is there it goes he lost it Favorite he's gonna have to take apart the machine next he might Give him a suicide bomber vest. We'll get that thing

Give him a suicide bomber vest. He'll get that thing. Obviously, like, retarded, right? Right. But of course, the usual suspects are going after him hard. Going after his school. The school's silence ensures his career as an anti-semite and a bully. Thrives unchecked. Yeah, I mean, you guys are going to go ahead and you're going to have to fuck off with this stuff. Everyone's really out of fucks to give. That's the point where people are starting to, you know.

As long as you're funnier and there's enough truth in it, you'll pick up some, you'll build up some speed right there. Yeah. Like the worst thing you could do is this shit. Yeah. No one wants to be on that side. Everyone wants to be on the funny guy's side.

America's foundational principle is being a drunk loudmouth. White people founded this country and the number one thing they wanted to get out of going to church, basically. Like we gotta get out of here, too much fucking church, too much oppression. And I am having a hard time being a drunk loudmouth.

And as a white male, that's kinda really the only thing I care about. You know? I could do a lot of other stuff. I could build the things. I could go to work, you know? Wife and kids and all this stuff. But what I really would die, kill and die for is my ability to be a drunk loudmouth.

So I'll sit around and say whatever the fuck I want. The kids is a vehicle to be a drunk loudmouth. So I'll sit around and say whatever the fuck I want. About... The kids is a vehicle to be a drunk loudmouth. That's why we go to work. That's why we do things, that's, you know... That's why we have the kids. Everybody else is sick of hearing from me. So I gotta have some kids so I got a receptive audience for...

Pass it on. Yeah. Oh, you guys, wait till you hear this one. Everyone's sick of me talking about this, but this is new shit to you. Right? And it's so important, it's so important to Americans, and by that I mean white men, that they're able to be a drunk loudmouth, that they will reject anything, no matter where

it's coming from, anybody come, hey, what did you say about, was I being drunk and obnoxious when I said it? Then you better fucking turn around, buddy. Cause that's pretty much the cornerstone of what I'm about in this country, right? That's, you can bet on that. If what you're doing is somehow going to obstruct or neuter the white man's desire to be a drunk, loud mouth, don't do it.

Don't fuck with them. That's the lie. Don't fuck with their sports because that's also a vehicle to being a drunken, loud mouth. Don't fuck with their kids. Same reason. All roads lead to being a drunk, loud mouth. Don't fuck with their liquor,

because that is... I'll drink to that. That is very important. With their end game of being a drunk loudmouth. Definitely don't shit on jokes. Favorite Jewish exercise. Oh, hey, wait a minute over here. Like, no, no, no, no. That's...

That's got drunk loudmouth written all over it. Um... Okay, here's something I came across That's got drunk loudmouth written all over it. Okay, here's something I came across this week. Pitbull was on stage talking about the AC. They don't run the AC in Germany, I guess. Look at this shit. I didn't know this. Now what fucks with me is that we're in Frankfurt, Germany in fucking 25 and these motherfuckers going to turn on the air conditioner makes no sense to me.

Because see if something happens to one of y'all out there they're not going to talk about the arena, they're not going to talk about Germany, they're going to talk about pitbull and I care about Trump. I want to make sure you have a good time, have fun, and stay safe. But it's some bullshit when they're doing this to y'all. Cause y'all paid good money to be here tonight. They don't run the fucking air? Y'all feel better?

Feels better? Hold on, we'll do it over. I don't know, man. I think maybe they're... Maybe they're not. They do live in prison over there. Look at how they got the windows in this one. I saw this this week too. Oh, whoops, that's the same one. Well, every time they have a heat wave out there,

like mass deaths and all that, and it's like, oh, it's turning like in Italy and shit like that. Yeah, look at this. Look what they have to have on their windows in the UK. Look at this shit. Oh, whoops. It's a lock so you can't open the window more than like four inches.

Dude. That's insane. You guys gotta use those migrants that you're bringing in. Put them to use on this shit. Tell them these little locks are full of copper or something. Fucking make it, you know, make it work. Figure it out. Get rid of this.

The new catalytic converters. Yeah, you think catalytic converters are good. These fucking things have got tons of gold. Even more shit in there, yeah. Even more shit, bro. Bring your screwdriver. Man. Let me see if I got anything else here.

Stanford paid you to quit social media experiment. Yeah. Oh, I wonder how that went. The DNC is upset with their spokes whale. It'd be funny to put Sean in that experiment. To be off of social media? Yeah. The man who's never had it.

Yeah, what the hell? It didn't work for him. Maybe he should get on it and then get off it. Oh. He's got to spend, he couldn't spend, what did the study say? He couldn't spend three months on social media. He wouldn't make it, he wouldn't last. That's what would be so fun is he goes in pretending like, oh just deleted all my accounts and everything. He can make a mint! Go and study to study! Holy...

Yeah, the DNC spokeswale's not doing very well, I guess. The DNC chair or the DNC bench? Uh, despite... She got 20 million bucks to attract young male voters. Look at... See these... These are... Give me some pancakes on the side! Can I get the... The moons over my slammy? And I'll take a... I'll take a... Half a half dozen of pancakes on the side. Can I get the moons over my slammy? And I'll take a half a half dozen of pancakes on the side.

God damn. This is a normal size table too. Look at that. Those are like hubcap size pancakes. What's the water for? To dip her fingers in. Like Nathan hot dog? Like she dips the pancakes in the water to shove more down? To get all the syrup off her fingers in. Hahaha! Like Nathan Hot Dog? Like she dips the pancakes in the water to shove more down?

To get all the syrup off her fingers. Like Joey Chestnut? Yeah, probably. Can you believe this isn't working? To young men, this is the DNC spokeswale, she's supposed to be out there talking to young men. And somehow Trump's rating among young men has went up? Man. What? Wow. That is...

It's it's impressive, you know to achieve that build in such a short time on this earth. Yeah, it really is. Oh yeah, then this watch company went nuts, bonkers. Look at this. This watch company said you gotta buy their watch because it was in the Inglorious Bastards when the, when the, the, uh, Glorious Bastard like hit that guy in the head with a bat, baseball bat. So the watch company said,

if you were bashing Nazi brains with a baseball bat, you'd wear a Wossen. Watch. Man, we've really reached new lows. I don't know if they noticed this, but this Nazi won that scene, by the way. This was, this was, they misread this, because specifically this guy doesn't flinch or cry when he's getting killed and the lack of satisfaction on the, I think he was called the Bear Jew, the lack of satisfaction on his face after he murders,

after he kills this Nazi by clumping him in the head is visible, is palpable in the scene. You're supposed to observe that he had an unfulfilled, you know, aggression against this guy and that this guy won by not being a coward. So it's odd that they would have picked that scene, but whatever, I guess they didn't watch the movie that hard. Well, you know, just go ahead and say

that no one's buying your fucking watches if you had to pull a clip from Inglourious Bastards out of context, just like, see look, he's wearing it. Mm, you guys gotta relax with this shit. Okay, let me read some comments. Mm-mm. Yeah, oh, Labubu's, Death to Labubu's, yeah. I do hate those. Maybe I'll talk about those next week.

Yeah, okay. I think they're already on their way out too. Labooboos? Yeah. Fucking hate those Labooboos. Stupidest fucking things ever. I would bash those Labooboos in the head with a baseball bat. Someone's sending the Eric July one.

What are they? They're like little monsters, but they're. It's like if someone took Funko Pops and was like, what if we covered them in a little bit of carpet? That's cool. That's what they all look like? They just all look dumb. Let's see Labooboos.

Somebody sent me this. It's probably a woman alert. Yeah. These bitches are just pulling like little hairy monkeys out of these boxes? Mm-hmm. What the fuck? Look at the size! Look at the size of her. Mm-hmm. Oh Heroin addict here. I'm guy What was that

Gagging on estrogen? Uh-huh. Gagging on your Adam's apple? What was that? Ma'am? Uh, ma'am? Something seems to be wrong with your camera. Something's wrong with your mic, ma'am.

La Boo Boo's blind box? Okay. May open it like retarded. My wife had her baby shower last weekend, and I came back from road rage and noticed one. I noticed one of those boxes on our counter. What the fuck is that? What's that thing? She goes, it's a Labooboo's My friend gave it to me it's worth a thousand bucks. I said I'd let's get rid of it then. Yeah, let's sell it Yeah, if it's worth a thousand bucks get it out of here. Sell it if it's a thousand bucks. Mm-hmm

Because it's a Labooboo. I said what the fuck is a Labooboo? And I went to New York and they're fucking everywhere these motherfuckers just they're selling them in they're selling this shit in Chinatown And I'm thinking one of these is a gremlin 100% mm-hmm a la boo-boo blind box Watch this shit are they buying boxes? You get the secret! Oh my god! You get the secret! What the shit are they buying? Look at my boxes over here. How do they know which one's good? Because they act like this on everyone.

No, John! Do they stick their dicks in them? I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking. Okay, pull it out. I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking. Okay, pull it out. I'm not looking. This is how, I've seen this guy, he also does this for uh, AIDS tests. Oh, that's right. He does the same thing, he pulls it out, he's like, oh come on, come on, come on, I'm not gonna look at it.

Ah, I got AIDS! Is the brown one a good one? That's weird! Ugh, alright. It's the strangest shit ever, man. They're just like little assholes. Little fuzzy assholes. Alright, whatever. Hey, remind me to play the Justin's song at the end of this episode.

The Prisms and Sunsets one. And Riley's Cop Slide compilation. I'm gonna play the Justin's song at the end of this episode. The Prisms and Sunsets one. And Riley's Cop Slide compilation. Hey, remind me to play the Justin's song at the end of this episode. You got it. The Prisms and Sunsets one. And Riley's Cop Slide compilation.

Amazing. Riley took a bunch of kids on the Cop Slide with him. I was there for that, yeah. Oh, you were? It looked like mayhem. I got stuck going down the second time. You got stuck? It put me sideways and my shoe got caught and so I

was in like a little cannonball shape stuck sideways and then it looks like it would do that and then fucking Admiral ass-pounder was coming down the slide right behind me and I was like oh five panicked for a brief second yeah I got the fuck out of there okay maybe I should watch Riley's presentation now. That's pretty good. Let's see. While you were... While I was sleeping. So this is all the dickheads after the show going on the slide.

And Mr. Boston too. Oh dude, that guy was so funny. Dude. I don't know what you call him, like a Southie I guess. Dude, that guy was so funny. Dude. I... I don't know what you call him, like a Southie, I guess? Yeah. He acted in that boxing movie with Christian Bale and Matt Damon. He acted like Christian Bale's brother.

So we're walking after the show, trying to find a bar. And I told everyone to go back to the Green Dragon. Because I thought it'd be fun. Because they had the American Revolution was planned there, right? But of course, it's turned into like a Whore refuge. It's like a club the streets full of clubs There's a cover charge. So I'm like, all right. I mean Why would this why would this be a spot a hallowed ground? Like I thought it would be right?

There's a Sephora over there, a Holocaust Memorial over there. What did I think this was gonna be? Like a regular Irish bar? No. We could have stayed in LA for all that. Yeah, yeah, it turned into LA. There's like a little block where it's LA and I was like, this sucks.

And I hear this voice like an angel go, oh, what was the name? Let me think of the name of the place. Well, we could go to the 10 on the green. I talked to them earlier. They could get you all in. And I said, what was that enchanting... Call? You, sir?

What did you say? He goes, I could get you all into the 10 on the green. The 10 spot on the green. There's something like, every time he said it, I'm like, I can't tell if you're talking about a street or a bar. So I said, say it again. He goes, the tent on the green, I get you all in. I talked to him earlier. And he's, and as the crowd parts, he's,

it's this skinny ass guy with his hat sideways, uncurved sticker on it, giant shirt, giant shirt. He was like the West Coast, like, sticker on it, giant shirt, giant shirt. He was like the West Coast, like Inland Empire equivalent, but like in the East Coast. Yeah, and I said, you there, take us to this place you've been saying. And he's like, yeah, I could do it. I said, so do it, go.

And he led us, all of us, there must've been 50, 60 of us. He led us through the streets of Boston and they're dead on all sides. But then at the very end, it turned into this bar. Crazy. Great bar. Tons of space for all the dickheads to run wild and sit on, you know, sit outside. It was great. It was great. And he goes, see, I told you know sit outside it was great it was great and he goes see

I told you I could do it that guy was this guy dude mr. Boston was awesome man yeah he was awesome he came down to the park with us and it was me New York Nick great guy Steve and a couple other cats standing around and he goes spinning on this thing which you're probably gonna see okay And his fucking shirt blows up and his whole ass comes out and New York Knicks And I and see what we all look at each other and New York Nick just turns me and goes was that mr. Boston's whole ass Damn like we I don't know if I got a picture with that guy. Ah, man. Maybe he didn't even really exist. Maybe he was just like- I was thinking that.

We willed him into existence briefly. I was thinking that might be the case. Uh, okay, here, let's see the- let's see Riley's presentation. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH SH Oh See, I don't know how the cop got that much speed it must have been his clothes his clothes Well at that time of night, too. It had been muggy all day. So it was damp. Yeah, okay Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right the dampness you can hear everybody down Captain cheese I'm gonna get one. Scar. Captain Cheese. Get some Sean. We need some cop clothes. I saw that. Guy spinning around on the top of a...

I don't know what that's called. This is the most dangerous park you could possibly imagine. Yeah, it really is. Okay. Nathan says, I couldn't figure out why the woman at the door was showing us such disdain. Then I walked in and saw all the MAGA hats. She must've thought they said diets or something.

Yeah. Since I just found out that my wife thought the iron dome was a literal physical dome that could cover Israel and close up like a sports stadium roof. They always talk about the iron dome, she said. Why don't they ever use it? Like it's a fucking Legend of Zelda, like temple or something.

So she's watching the news going, how stupid, they don't use the dome. Why don't they use the dome, all those rockets? That's my new favorite now. She's like, they're lucky those rockets are exploding. So they they don't have there else they would have to use the dome yeah how fast does she think it would close up how fast how do women anything what do they think about anything at all that's like a garage door Make those missiles in! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr one that could close over America. Sorry for your loss.

Man. That should be an ED commercial. Just have a woman saying that. Got erectile dysfunction? Where the fuck would we get this kind of gold reserve and that kind of infrastructure? It's a Big fucking dome. Damn. Wow.

Helios Anis says, engineers have no concept of how anybody uses anything. Yeah, that's true. Joe Self, Dick talking about people, women laughing at everything is spot on. Nothing makes me, nothing makes these people laugh harder than normal conversations. It drives me insane.

Yes, I don't know why that is. Nothing makes these people laugh harder than normal conversations. It drives me insane. Yes, I don't know why that is. These people don't have normal conversations. What people? The people who laugh at everything. They do. They're just like doing normal stuff at work. How was your weekend? Oh, you know, a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

They all fucking start laughing about that. That's just because outside of work they have no normal interactions so they just don't know how to interact with people. They're just so delighted. It's everybody. Everyone's a Chick-fil-A employee. Yeah, yeah. Maybe the stock photos are right.

Cause they're always like laughing and having a great time. But that is how people are. Women alone laughing and eating salad man Yeah, you know look at this spreadsheet Wow what a fucking spreadsheet When I look at spreadsheets the last thing I'm doing is fucking laughing We're going who the fuck made this piece of shit. Can you maximize it? Oh yeah, sorry. At first I was, you know, my eyes, my eyes aren't that good. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA A powerpoint! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It was like working with people is the worst thing ever man. There's like that for COVID.

It was the Corona member is a coronavirus and it was like, does it come with a lime? God damn it. Hamilton Burger says, who's that fat Mexican lady? Trace Leche Scavara, Caesar dressing Chavez, Santa Enacho cheese, Santa Enacho cheese, what is that one? Santa Enacho cheese? Caesar dressing Chavez. Caesar dressing Chavez. Caesar dressing Chavez.

I don't know why that got me but that's really good. Yeah, that's a good one. Because it's not Caesar salad... Chavez. Right. Caesar dressing. Okay. Mm-hmm.

NoSaj says, You're supposed to walk... miles at Disneyland pushing a double stroller Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's absolutely happening. What? I left my generation's dating pool because all the 30 odd and younger crowd either want a mommy or a secretary or both. Are you saying that the feminization of men leads men to want a secretary? Because that would not be true

Yeah. A feminized men would want an equal Oh I love my wife We're equal in every way Yeah. Hahahaha It's like nah, you take these notes. I love talking about all my fucking problems.

Okay, good emails. Chris onion says more fingernail talk. Do a whole show on it. No a spinoff. Yeah, the new bonus episode. Just wait till we get to toenails man. Oh man. Oh man. You get the wider clipper out.

Yeah. If you, you know. If you clip them. If you clip them. Toenails can get real, real goosey in a hurry. You get the wrong notch on a toenail, and you'll peel your whole fucking toe off. Ah, fuck.

Next fucking three weeks, miserable. Yeah. You want to go out tonight? Not really, because I fucked up my toenail. Mm-hmm. Once you get like one micron too far, it's just a day ruined. I know. Oh, no. Once you get the exposed nerve, you're done.

Then you try to go from the other side, but then you've got this weird guy hanging off. And it always grabs your sock. Yeah. and then just all day you're fucking it'd be easier to have Intestines full of diarrhea throughout your day. Yeah, it would be easier than having a half on toenail At least you go take a shit with a toenail. That's all fucked up. You got to wait that fucker out, man You just got to sit at home. You just Sometimes you can try to chop it off in the middle, but never works It's just always you always know and you always are the whole day you're feeling that yep

I know I could talk about fingernails all day Well on my drive home from your place. I'm sitting in traffic, and I go You know what I'm fucking sick of this travel, and I I just peel one off and I sent you a little box fingernail. I saw that, that was a good box. Just for you, you know, it's good, you know, just in honor of, you know. I threw away some trash today. My wife was standing by the trash

and she goes, what was that, a fingernail? And I said, no, but it was a fingernail. First of all, it was a fingernail. She's never gonna know now. And it also reminded me, I don't want to give her that you know the satisfaction. Oh, yeah Denial possibility Was that fingernail? No, why would it be a fingernail? Don't be stupid What and it also reminded me that last night?

I had pulled off a bunch of my toenails and put them in a pile on the bed Because I couldn't sleep it also reminded me of that. I'm like oh shit So I went down quickly and got the toenail pile and threw it away. You're a wealthy man. You're just getting rid of Vast array of wealth you just Dash it all the pieces pearls before swine man What that's what I that's what if I had anything to change about the movie diehard? It would be you know when he says you know what I do to relax to take off my socks and make fists with my toes It would be me in the plane going you know what I do to relax

I peel off my toenails and make little boxes of them sometimes. I'll make a W And then John McClane would be in his office later going peel off you peel off your toenails and make a box, huh? Is a good one that's a good move that was the that's the only thing I would change about it If he had a bloody toenail and he made He left a message of fingernails Yeah, not I have a hangover right when he's always like I have a bad fucking hangover I pulled my one of my toenails too close and it hurts during all this That's what he's talking about it's sergeant al Powell man. How about you cowboy? Oh?

Hey, Carl Winslow man pulled off one of my toenails You know what's fucked do is when you're sitting on the can after like a long day of drinking whatever I had to drink it would whatever one you're sitting there and go you know what I could probably say But at least that one right yeah, that one's ready You know it's like You know idle hands are the work of the devil man Adam says what do you think about this bitch? Okay.

Let's watch. Waaah? Woman alert. Uh... Woman alert. A lot of politics stuff happened, I just don't really care about... I can't believe she pressed you. Is that a fingernail? She didn't see anything.

Well now that the secret's out, now that she heard that show. Fuck. She said, that's stupid what you guys were talking about. No. Guys don't care about fingernails that much. And I showed her that Patreon comment, just pulled up and I said, oh yeah? You like apples, right?

How would you like to stick this in your fucking mouth? One of my construction friends hit me up and said, man, that's an old school technique there. I'm like, OK, so you do it because you're an old school guy, man. What the fuck? Everybody's doing it. The amount of responses, personal responses, I got from people that were just like, man.

That's the realest shit ever. It's like the most unifying thing on this show perhaps Okay, oh, it's this is a show like a dating show all right before I give mine. Can I do something real quick sure? I'm sorry. I just I'm Rachel nice to meet you. So I have a fun fact when I was in high school I broke the state record for the most block shot. So good luck to everyone trying to shoot their shot.

Ooh. Poetic. I also have another question. Yeah, what's up? Are you a Twitch streamer? I do stream sometimes. Because I'd be your sub. Oh, damn.

Back to back to back to back. Tier three sub or what? Top tier. Oh. My least favorite part about women is the eye contact, I think. Mm-hmm. Ah. Back to back, ladies and gentlemen. W in the chat, guys.

Dubs in the chat for Rachel. It's a little embarrassing. So I sing, but I kind of sing cringey music. And when I sing, I sing really, really fucking loud. Sing. There goes the baker with his tray like always. The same old bread and rolls to sell. Every morning just the same. Since the morning that we came to this poor provincial town.

Good morning, Bell. Good morning, Monsieur. Where are you off to? The bookstore? I just- Uh... Where does she go when the laughter ends? Who can say?

Oh man. I'm gonna need a few thousand more beers just to process that. I hate to- Forget about this. I hate to compare women in a way that makes some of them look worse than others because it's not true, you know? Each one is just an acquired taste

That you acquire once you're dead It's like a wine or coffee, right or diarrhea Yeah, you live with it long enough and you forget what a solid Yeah, but god that is a real that is a real fucking annoying one That's like a... Chain her to a theater, a stage, just let her perform all the time to an empty house, a prison. We'll build a nice prison for these women

where they can dance and sing to just a bunch of like cardboard drawings of an audience that are all just in rictus laughter and applause isn't that just oh hi at this point yeah send them to oh hi prison don't ever let them escape it okay what what else do I have here Arne says Aaron says the best advice you've ever given hey dick I was just reflecting upon what I Did you see Aaron Imholt file the restraining order? That's fucking hysterical though I Want to see how small the ball will get yes, yeah to what level we're an asymptotically small ball

Ball so small you can't even see it. Uh-huh. One risk game, one game of risk to rule them all. Steal each other's pogs. You have to play one of every board game. Yeah, like Death, and Bill and Ted too. Stratego, Crossfire, Tornado Reg. to play one of every board game yeah like death and bill and Ted to stratego crossfire tornado red show together for fuck's sake no probably better than the biggest the first biggest problem the universe honestly I

would just give those to the trademark if they did a show called the biggest problem the universe can't now because they fucked it all up who those two mm-hmm how what do you mean aren't they not allowed to talk to each other or something like that? What you know what is the legal document? Yeah? What is it? What does it mean really is that ever yeah? You're right you're right Silly me you know just I'm sure it would be great This needs to happen I was just reflecting upon what I consider to be one of the best pieces of advice you've ever given on the show.

I haven't heard you mention it recently despite endless opportunities to with veto. So I wanted to make sure it was top of the mind. Don't tell anyone what you're planning to do before you do it because your brain gets the same satisfaction from saying you're going to do it is actually doing it. Yeah, that's true. For me, the bigger problem is when you tell people what you're gonna do, you're just looking for validation about your idea and an excuse not to do it.

You describe something expecting them to share your excitement about it as you do, but without the work of showing them, you're an emotional drain on everyone, sucking unearned approval like a vampire instead of just creating and letting your audience find you. Yeah, I mean, this is identical to that also, by the way. Hey, guess what?

I'm not gonna tell you what I'm doing anymore. What the hell are you doing? What are you doing right now? The real validation is the friends we've made along the way. And thanks for the years of entertainment and no smooches for Johnny until he shaves. Oh my. Jesus.

You're kind of look kind of shaved today. Kind of, yeah man. It's best to just not say anything. That's that's the only way you can escape it. JJ, hey dick you're not nesting you're man escaping. You're redoing the garage so you have a place to escape to. When the wife, the wife is that one collective wife. The wife. They're the Borg, you know? Yeah, I've noticed the wife and the Borg

are very much the similar. It's my wife, but then sometimes it's the wife. And when it's the wife, it's- Yeah, when it gets to hive mind time, you're toast. You're toast. And kid are driving you nuts. You'll have to constantly remind your wife about all the burglars that might be hiding out in the garage, just waiting for an opportunity to break in.

This will prevent her from finding you. Oh yeah, I'm gonna booby trap it. So when you open my garage door from the inside, it activates like a Ferris Bueller thing of like a guy going Oh shit, someone's coming. Oh shit dog. Oh shit. Yeah, we gotta get out. We gotta get out of here grab everything You can't write, you know man Gotta use one of those old-school the talk boy Little cassette recorder. Yeah, slow your voice down with like a trophy and a baseball to pull the trigger.

Hell yeah. Like the Incredible Machine, man. You remember that game? Kind of. Was it the Nintendo game? No, it was a PC game. Oh, yeah. A Mac game, I think.

But it was like you got like a cat, like an eight ball, like a ladder, and like all this shit. And you had to somehow chain it all together. Yeah, I remember that. My wife became pregnant with our first a few months ago after yours, so I look forward to hearing what I have to look forward to every week on the Dick Show for a few months after yours.

Did he hit us with a necessary means for a necessary means? Yeah. He was looking forward to looking forward to. Every week on the show. See, again, you make the assumption that these guys are straight because they have a wife and a kid. But it's not necessarily true.

That's called prejudice. Don't judge a book by its cover, man. It might be gay, still. Gay guys can easily have wives. All he's got to do is qualify it. Let's see how far. Let's see if he makes it through qualification gauntlet.

I just don't wanna be, you know, I don't wanna be prejudiced. Hey, Dick, I'm buying your shirt in August. Oh, hey, Dick, I'm just writing in to let you know that I'll be buying your shirt in August. And my credit limit is higher than 5,000, so you should change the price of the shirt to 15,000. Well, I don't think I can do it now. Now it'll seem like money laundering. Yeah. You're the only one in the world who deserves my money.

Now that's true. And when I leave, I'd like you to have it. Just buy three shirts. I'm gonna buy the shirt if you raise the price. Exactly. Buy more shirts. This didn't need an email. Just buy three of them. Exactly buy more shirts. Yeah, this didn't need an email Just buy three of them you the problem exists between the keyboard and the chair This is not this is not a me. This is not a me problem. This is a you problem Yeah, buy 99 shirts if your credit limit so high. Yeah, mr Credit you got all the way to August you could take out a shitload of credit cards You're the only one who deserves my money.

That's the beauty of the shirt. It's not your money, it's the credit card people's money. And when I leave, I'd like you to have it. I'm gonna buy the shirt. If you raise the price, I'll pay more for it. I'll consider it. But I think Johnny's got the right fix. Buy three of them.

Buy more shirts. Mm-hmm. Or, you know, buy... Buy something funny, I don't know. Yeah, like three shirts. Three shirts. Four shirts. That's really- that's really funny.

Four shirts would be hilarious. That would make me laugh my ass off. Ten shirts, holy shit. That's the funniest shit I've ever heard. God damn. I thought one shirt was funny. Three shirts? Shit. Buy three shirts. 10 shirts holy shit That's the funniest shit I've ever heard God damn I thought one shirt was funny 3 shirts? Shit

Buy 3 shirts Keep one for yourself Yeah Put it on first And then Send them out at the funeral And then we'll That's like the ultimate FU

Yeah Hey you know all my money I spent I gave it to this guy Here's a shirt We'll get one for each of us I'm dead and all And we'll wear it on the show for ya Hahahaha That's how you can get Now that's funny This guy here's a shirt. We'll get one for each of us and we'll wear it on the show

That's how you can get now that's funny that's funny right and to everyone on my family I leave these three shirts Two assholes so they can match on school spirit day and then Wear them with my kindest regards wear them with my regards. Mm-hmm And I'll pour one out for you on Dick's carpet every time. All my carpets washable now. Well, don't spoil the gag. It's great. That is great. I don't care about anything now.

I'll shit on my own carpet. I don't care. Throw in the washing machine. I haven't tested it yet, but I assume that the Chinese manufacturer on Amazon is not lying to me. Why would, yeah. I haven't tested it yet, but I assume that the Chinese manufacturer on Amazon is not lying to me. Why would, yeah. Tinnitus says, don't read my name on the show. I just wanted to reach out because I know what you're going through with the tinnitus. One day I was working at my computer and all of a sudden a ringing started in my ear.

Like you, I always had less hearing in that ear, so I was thinking it was weird, but I figured it would go away eventually. Well, here I am two years later, and in that time my dad was thinking it was weird but I figured it would go away eventually. Well here I am two years later and in that time my dad who helped me out by taking me out for rides to try and get my mind off the ringing helped me with all the doctors bills associated with deflection and it's all a waste they don't they don't even care they give you a fucking pamphlet. I was generally there when I had a bad day got diagnosed with stage four cancer and died in August. Jesus. August is a bad time I guess. August is. guess did he buy the shirt man. You can buy the shirt if you have cancer, too Yeah, it doesn't have to just be you know you know Even if you just got like shot you can go like oh shit. I gotta buy this shirt real fast. You know I

Pray to God that it goes away for you, but if it doesn't you will eventually kind of get used to it Yeah, the ring. I don't really give a fuck about it's the pain and what I'm finding is that's not normal mm-hmm So nobody will it's like I'm explaining shit to them, but I'm like speaking a foreign language Yeah, English yeah Like I like I know you guys doctors you just get like a list of symptoms and then you have like a list of ailments It's like off a big flow chart. Do you yeah? Do you feel oh you don't like you don't have this one on your flow chart like it's that it fucking hurts the sound Fucking hurts my own voice fucking hurts. I don't care about the ringing right I can just tune the fucking ringing out

It would've been funny if tonight is to just sending the email that was a whole paragraph of just the letter E. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee It's the pain that is the hard part. I still have days where it keeps me up in bed because I think I can get it to a lower volume, which happens sometimes. Yeah, when I get to a place between, oh yeah, the worst time is definitely when you wake up, you get about 10 seconds of no ringing. And so I'm like, ah, ah, ah.

I also found that hoppy beer seems to take it away for a few hours. I found that too. I found that too. That's interesting. There are some people who... I found two people who have like the exact symptoms I have, including like digital sounds being fucked up in a weird way. That makes sense.

One of them got on this... One of them got on some weird antidepressant and it went away completely and I'm like, fuck man. Huh. Huh, because I am fully, I am, I am aware, I'm receptive to the idea that it's totally made up.

Yeah. My wife tried to soft float that one by me. She's like, have you ever thought that maybe and I'm like that I'm making it up? Yeah, I have. Yeah. I'm aware of that contingency. I know you've thought of everything. You know what it is dude, it won't go away till Vito finishes Superkiller. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna keep telling myself that. Just wanted to say it does suck, but there are people out there that have it and you're not alone in this crap. Yeah, I mean gonna keep telling myself that. Just wanted to say it does suck, but there are people out there that have it

and you're not alone in this crap. Yeah, I mean, okay, thanks. I hope it gets better for you too. I appreciate the sentiment. So I hope that you get better because it really is like hell on earth to have it and keep it up. I'll try.

Spelooge McDuck. Oh, this is an erotic story. Oh shit. Alright. Protect your hearing, kids. Don't do what I did. I don't know what it was, but... Oh, you said the word yeah. Splooge McDuck says, hey Dick,

long time listener, first time writer for this, can you call me Splooge McDuck? So this took place when I was about 20 years old. You don't need to sow there. This took place when I was 20 years old. I was living on my own and struggling to make ends meet. It's not that I wasn't making enough money, but I was spending it all on partying and drinking.

You know the important stuff. Anyway, I found a girl on MySpace through a mutual friend and seemed cute. She had the hot topic vibe from what I could discern, So I had sent a message. When we got to talking and pretty quickly, she had started to express frustrations with her boyfriend. You got a little cop talking to you, my man. She had started to move. He wasn't satisfying her yet. And it had been like that for some time.

It didn't take much time for her to start flirting with me. Now I was admittedly in a bit of a sexual dry spell at the time, but I had no intention of being a side piece. What? That's the best kind of piece to be. Why do you think all these guys write in blocking their own blessings? I'll never understand.

Side piece? Sign me up. When does that start? Do I get to see my son too even better? Yeah With minimal effort on my part. I convinced her to break up with her boyfriend. Oh No, man, I accidentally did that once and the whole time she's talking about breaking up with Mike Now he seems great. Maybe he's just going through afterwards, you know Oh man, I convinced her to break up with her boyfriend. Yeah, I bet it was minimal because she's already

got a new sucker. Wow, this was easier than I thought it was going to be. Wait a minute, how am I getting fucked here? Wait just a minute. Did you think that thought? Eh-keh-keh-keh-keh-keh. You have to go with the assumption in life that nothing's ever gonna be easy If it is be very suspicious. The reason for that If she wanted me to come over and fuck her I convinced her to break up with her boyfriend if she wanted me to come

Over and fuck her you know morals and stuff I mean no I really don't. Morals? So, as I mentioned earlier, I was tied on cash at this time. With the stage already set, she was more than happy to buy me a Greyhound bus ticket to come to her dorm for the weekend. I should mention now that this takes place close to Thanksgiving. Uh, she wanted to upgrade...

before the holidays. Okay. I roll up to the campus and get off the bus carrying my bag. We had agreed to meet near the dining hall with a memory of her profile picture. I am scanning around and not seeing her. Uh oh. Then he realizes that she was the bus. Full-time bus, man. That's what you said!

Yes, oh, that you were thinking about. Yeah. At the show. The full-time bus or something like that. With a memory of, yeah, okay. Until I hear my name being called from about 50 yards away. And was she still the same size from 50 yards away? She keeps running.

I keep running, but I can't get rid of her. Ah! I instinctively turned my head to see only a single person walking towards me and waving. My excitement turned to disgust. Getting closer was a woman with dyed black hair about 5'2 and 350 pounds. Toe! Easily.

Ooh! D cups. Oh. Built like goddamn Mike Wazowski over here. My mind raced. The Greyhound had already left. And I was standing on a campus having made a sexual commitment to this monster.

Not being able, not being one to make a scene, I sheepishly said hello and gave her a hug, unable to grab my hands on the other side Run you should have just run. Yeah, that's all I should get a chase you or fake having a heart attack Yeah Doctor in my town where I live I Taxi I gotta get to the hospital. I'll meet you there And then you get in the taxi, get to the airport, chop chop.

Man he fell victim for the MySpace angles man. MySpace studio, fuck that. MySpace from space Can't even reach around she's like a tree general Sherman fuck can't even reach around this bitch oh Can I hug your neck Probably couldn't even fit his arms around one of them From there we walked for what seemed like an eternity to her dorm room I bet that guy heard his heartbeat in his ears the whole walk there Fucking panic

Yeah Just The walk took so long because it was a shipping yard that she... I felt like Andy Dufresne walking into Shawshank for the first time. Fresh meat! She's got all her other boyfriends tied up. When we finally reached her floor, she walked down the hallway. She made a point to stop at a bulletin board outside of her door.

The theme of course was Thanksgiving and the residents each wrote what they were thankful for. To my shock, she pointed out a blurb that included my name. I'm thankful for splooge McDuck. That gravitational pole came to fucking... full force, man. Ugh, I knew then that I was in the trenches. You're not in the trenches, you're in hell. You're in the pits of hell. You were murdered multiple times over in the trenches and they desecrated your body so hard that you ended up next to that.

Trenches? What are you fighting? Run! You're not in the trenches, man, you're in a fucking manhunt. Get the fuck out of Dodge. Run. When in doubt, all of you, just run. Just run until you can't hear them screaming your name anymore. You gotta bounce, yeah. Get out. Bounce. Be gone. Don't plan it later. You gotta run. Listen to me and fucking run. Don't explain it. You can't wait till midnight and try and sneak out

because the Greyhound's gone at that point. You're out, they're gone. Leave a little poof behind. Throw some candy. You don't get most of the way through your meal at a bad restaurant and then decide you're gonna leave. You leave before the water even gets poured. You get in there and go, yeah, we fucked up. We're gonna fuck out of here hit the road Jack. Mm-hmm

Hit the road Jack cheddar man. Yeah Make a new plan Stan Get away from the bus yeah, haven't you got outrun the bus Gus haven't you heard the classic Paul Simon tune? Yeah ways to leave a Whale? Don't fuck the barge, Marge. 50 Ways to Leave a Whale. Yeah. Jesus.

I was led into her room. Oh no, I knew what needed to be done. Oh no, I was atoning for my sins and I was gonna do it as a man. No! Run! No! Run! No! This is a horror story!

As we began to undress, I urged that we turn off the lights and close the blinds. Good, make an escape. The excuse was modesty, but in truth, I needed some way to achieve an erection. It took some willpower, but I managed to do it. She was on a one-way trip to Pound Town. It started in Missionary because there was just no other way.

But to my chagrin... Chagrin?! She soon asked to be on top. I'm a gentleman. And not one to turn down a challenge, so I accommodated. It was then that I felt my hips and pelvis being crushed. Ugh, this was honest pain. I was preserving as best I could, persevering as best I could,

not only to maintain interaction, but to not suffer a fracture. I took as much as I could before asking her to dismount and let me get behind her. Fuck and this is a horror story. Things can get worse than that. No, it was at this point there was a knock on the door. She got up, wrapped herself in a sheet, and started walking to the door. In a panic, I got under the other sheet and posed with my head resting on my hands as I lay there. Surprisingly, she opened the door to two of her cute friends standing there.

It didn't take long for them to notice me laying on the bed. They seemed confused by me and impressed with her. I had nothing to lose at this point, so I simply waved and said hi. That's fucked. Two cute girls. What the fuck are you doing? You didn't jump out the the you didn't just kill yourself in front of them like you got to just say I'm sorry I got to stop I'm a I'm a pedophile I got to get out of here you gotta go that's okay that's what my classic you know you just got me you know what my sister's calling I got to go pick her up from dance practice Like I think my mom's calling like yeah, just like

something something I Don't remember what they talked about but they closed the door and I had to wrap this up After finally finishing I hurried to get dressed and put this all behind me and Wouldn't you know it we had to pay our friends a visit that were just at the door. I was dragged along, and now I had to stand in front of these two babes standing next to my prize pig, as if they didn't just catch me sticking this porker. Anyway, I managed to keep my composure until the following day when I was able to get back on the Greyhound bus back to safety.

From one bus to another, right? Motherfuckers riding every bus, man. Bus man. Bus the bus man in. Bus man's fucking holiday over here, goddamn. For the following days and weeks I avoided her calls. Always with the excuse that I was busy, either on my way to work or having just got back. It was plausible since I worked the graveyard shift at a casino at the time. The excuses only lasted so long.

So eventually I started making my roommate answer the phone. God, he's a bit of a loser and a talker too. So getting him on the phone was a trump card for me. To keep it short, I was able to ignore her phone calls enough to force her and my roommate to get into a relationship? This is like the fucking ring what you did here! Oh no! You passed it off? What are you doing? What's wrong with you?

You're a bad person. You are a bad person! You deserve this! Man, cause now she has a direct line to you through your fucking roommate. So he's a loser so he deserves some fucking planet? I was a desperate squirrel trying to get a nut. I succeeded but at what cost? And that's the end of the story. You've been listening to erotic stories.

Terrible. Brought to you by Big Show. What a terrible thing you did. It's like one of those Korean dramas where it starts off bad and just keeps getting worse. Yeah. Ugh. Ugh. Just run.

No matter what. No matter what. Fat. Annoying. Kids. Whore. Whatever. Just dip, man.

Boop. I'm gone. Like I never even exist. You know, you could get hit by a bus. Any day. Anybody walking around. No matter matter what no matter what obligations they have you want to get hit by a bus not fuck it You know, yeah, you could be hit by a bus. So just Pretend you got hit by a bus and get the fuck out. All right, everybody. That's the dick show patreon.com slash the dick show check out the new bonus episode

Patreon.com slash the dick show check out the new bonus episode It's brand new shit check out the Boston episode even check out the Boston Road rage It's packed with content for you Watch me get the wrong beers That's what That's pisses that the whole week and off wrong fucking beers Thanks to Carl for putting that show together. Yeah, thank you Carl. That was great.

I couldn't do it without him, literally. I wouldn't. I mean, I could, but... Do you think we have those little TVs, man? I wouldn't. Carl's got little TVs. He puts little TVs on the desk in front of us. He's got real infrastructure, man. And he complains and he'd touch them or mess with them. Mm-hmm. It's a little TV. I'm

not supposed to touch it? I'm touching a TV Carl. If I see a TV I'm touching it. They got little TVs at Chili's. I'm touching those. A little TV at a restaurant here. Touching those. You're goddamn right we do. Alright this is Justin's. Yes, we gotta play a song. Did he not send it to me? Justino... Here it is. Failure to ignite by work... By warfork... Anus? Warfork anus?

Is that what it... Warf or cadence? Warf. I thought it was. Warf like Star Trek. I thought it was Warforkcandice. Warforkandice. You want to fuck Warf or do you want to fuck Candice? Right. It is Failure to Ignite. War. For. Cadence. It says the number four.

Wait, is the A a number four? Is that the joke here? Here you go. Okay. See you next Tuesday. De-motivation on the edge of your seat You're drowning in ecstasy And you flew right past what you could be What were you thinking? Lace the nightmare Suck your chance, go on and admit it And waste what I care about

Lying fast asleep, heading straight for the ground Banging you abandon a perpetual sound A code of vacancy, swinging a quagmire, so next you need it Why are you empty? Face the nightmare The second chance caught in a good day It's a waste what I care about I'm not a piece of slavs

We trade addictions for Silence, gold, furnace All over ourselves To find The fire in my I did, didn't I? When the fuck did I do that? To what?

Oh no, where the fuck is OBS? Oh shit. Oh god damn it, it turns into one of those little icons, sorry. I stand in line I stand in line Where the fuck is OBS? Oh shit. Oh god damn it, it turns into one of those little icons, sorry. Just like me, I've bought it all Waste the night in the man The second chance going in And waste what I care about We trade addictions for time and score For this to hold

But ourselves to fight We can't cry it The failure is mine How do we live? But something seems wrong Is it a waste what I care about? A moment of peace is over We trade days Times for signs

Calls for the promise to hold Over ourselves to fight We can't try it The failure is mine All the sounds of fire Tryin' to melt your inside Next show, next show, and then one more show. And then the baby is born. Oh shit. Then we can all go home everybody. Then I gotta do it.

Yeah, then we can all go home. Then it's over. All right, goodbye everybody. See ya.