The Dick Show - Episode 468 - Dick on The Family Man

Episode Date: July 14, 2025

My campaign speech for city council, thin steaks take over the last grocery store, Nitrous Americans take their hill back, Lena Dunham gains more weight, USAID was full of kindergardeners, the Epstein List, I finally beat RDR2, homeless stories, women run a restaurant, a local hellhole get overrun by police, robots doing Crossfit, and a crash course in audio engineering; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Let's go through the checklist of shit. Let's go through the checklist to make sure everything's right, Johnny. That's what I like to do. Yeah. Do we do that in planes, in pilot school? We do that. We do that in audio engineering just to give it our best. We do that in audio engineering.

You know, when I worked at a... Just to give the listeners the best experience we can. We try as hard as we can. The way I was taught is you go in the night before and you set everything up, check every single thing from, you know, even have the correct length microphone cable so that if things need to move up to six feet, you can, right?

You get the brown M&Ms and you take them out or you take out the greens or whatever Metallica's rider was, you do everything on the rider. You just do it all, man. You do it. Cause then when you walk in- You just shut up and move the stone. That's what you do.

Yep. And then you walk in the next day and hit record and everything's great. Usually. Cause usually- Sometimes it's not. But then you stop and you fix it and you add that to the spreadsheet for next time. Yes. Something, you add something to the spreadsheet for next time so it gets a little better every time

And then ten years later you have a machine that mostly works mostly works, but you got it put in the effort Right. It's got to work first. The system must work before you can beat it I hope Rumble's working Sign into rumble. Why are all my sign-ins? What is the deal? What's the deal with signing in? Something went wrong. Try again later. Thanks Rumble. Okay, great Fucking broken like usual. Mm-hmm. Oh God what? I'm just gonna load it. What the fuck is this shit then?

Tell me what this is that I'm looking at here Okay, what what do we have here? Mr.. Mr.. I'm a professional Corn boys, what is this? What's happening in this frame? Why is this guy out of chopped off out of frame over here? Why are these two bozos sitting on a bus bench talking to each other about a movie instead of facing each other side? You know like a normal movie roof We're Cisco and Ebert ever sitting on a fucking bus bench with their heads cranked to the side talking to each other about steel magnolias

Hey, Braywood. I'm like hey, Bray. What did you- I'm li- Hey, hey, Ebrid, what did you think of Steel- Steel Magnolias, right? Poking each other in the fucking ribs? Get a fucking- get a chair, Vito! You and your fucking buddy Dirk, get chairs! Sit across from each other! For starters! It looks like they're taking first day of school pictures or something. Look, it looks like when Forrest Gump meets Bubba in the army. Is this seat taken? Well Get yourself a fucking- this guy has been driving me fucking crazy with his audio for two months I don't see what's wrong with it. It sounds fine every- it sounds fine on every other show. No it doesn't

It's fucked up. You have a fucked up compressor or a fucked up- you have something fucked up! Something is fucked up, you're not having a compressor and a limiter pair correctly. Go talk to any of the audio engineers in the fucking discord about it. Sure enough, he posts what he has, it's totally fucked up! He could reach out to me at any time. nothing but the wind blowing straight to my doors man. It's so satisfying. Your audio is fucked up. Your audio is fucked up. You have to fix it. Your audio is fucked up. No, it's fine. Post a video. All the comments. Audio is fucked up. Exactly!

Well, it's like- Exactly! It's like his friend got the lapel mic and then Vito got the camera mic. Why are they- why do they not both have lapel mics? What I? Don't think Vito could afford it What is going on in the production of this okay you wear lapel mic and I'll just do the room mic Yeah

So then they'll be bleed over your audio will be double tracked and out of phase and my audio will sound like I'm on another TV in a different part of the house. It's gonna be great. People are gonna love it. You're gonna, if you're wearing headphones, it'll sound like you're right in their ear, whispering and also somewhere else, slightly out of phase, you know, by milliseconds. So your brain can't figure, you can't figure out what's wrong, but you know something's wrong. You'll think your shit's fucked up. And I'm gonna sound like I'm walking 10 steps behind you. It's going to be great. God, center the goddamn camera. Just basic stuff.

Is that 4K? Is it? Is this in 4K? Watch the close-ups. I'll call who Zack Snyder is. No, OK. Why is it all slow? Why is it 80s slow motion?

OK? Look at the face moving. Yeah, you're doing it with sort of some why is it 80s slow? Why is it 80s era lethal weapons slow motion where it jerks? Ah, you know for the invented matrix style slow motion what I was gonna say is full motion video Like a fucking Sega CD or something. You know you fucking dick just do just fix the fucking You know you fucking dick just do just fix the fucking Audio issues what's crazy is I feel like all of his other videos were fine audio wise like I don't know Why in recent times he's just decided to tank everything Okay, I

Think I decided that I'm running for City Council last night really with Randy and and I think I decided that I'm running for city council last night really with Randy and and Keon you know that big fat bitch Eustace hungers or whatever her name is I do yeah, it's just hungers Nanda's used as hunger Hernandez the hungry hungry hippo Hungry hungry Hernandez hungry hungry Hernandez they call her They call her at the hometown buffet where when she goes she eats the entire And the entire Town. The entire town. Yeah. Hungry hungry Hernandez

I'm starving. You just put legislation. What? You just put fake eyelashes on all the hungry hungry hippos Yeah, so I'm a she, a pair, I didn't know this, but I'm driving, you know, with my wife the other day, and there's a building with a big plaque with her name on it, and I said, wait a minute, are you telling me she's our city council representative going on national television shitting on Trump? Are you fucking, that's my rep? What the fuck is this?

So I start, like I said, dad maxing, t-shirts available now, shop.tick.show Two for two deal too. Buy two, get two. Buy two, get two, exactly. I posted a two for two deal, I think Coof said, how do we, what coupon code do we put in? I said, Coof. Put in, I'm a fucking retard, is a coupon code. Then you'll get your two forfor-two deal you jackass Two for coof two for coof deal

And that guy the one that the you sir the guy who said you're gonna kill yourself and buy the shirt throwing a dad Maxing shirt to don't stop it. You know throwing a dad maxing shirt to all you're at it Hmm as rumble working because something is wrong try again later Stop it, you know throw in a dad maxing shirt to all you're at it Hmm As rumble working because something is wrong try again later Rumble something is wrong try again later that should be their slogan so Eustace Hernandez Hungry hungry hungry hungry Hernandez is my rep Saying all this wild shit. You know what else I found that I did some research then I'm like wait a minute Yeah, I would start doing the research after that too saying all this wild shit. You know what else I found out? I did some research then. I'm like, wait a minute.

Yeah, I would start doing the research after that too. You're telling me the fucking boss of Fatso- Fatland is my- is my rep? The boss of Fat Ladies? This bitch is my representative? Ursula Senior? Ursula's- Ursula's fat sister is my- Ursula the Sea Witch's fat sister is my Ursula the sea witch is fat sister is my Ursula the salad witch use this Hernandez, let's see Let me get a wide shot of this bitch

Yeah, I don't know that's kind of that's a flattering picture if I'm being honest Johnny It's a flattering picture fix your I'm being honest, Johnny. It's a flattering picture. Fix your goddamn audio. Full body shot. Full body. You know, we had fucked up audio when Sean left and everything was in disarray and I was depressed about it. And then we fixed it.

And we fixed it, but I was very upset about the audio. I was too. It was, you know. I felt like a failure of a human being until we got it right. I felt like you were a failure too, Johnny. I know. I felt too. It was you know. I felt like a failure of a human being until we got it right. I felt like you were a failure too Johnny. I know I felt it. Full body. Nothing shows up. She had all her images. She used her political power to remove all her images from the internet because she's so fucking fat. Wait, I think her name is Eunice's.

Oh it is? Like you like Ulysses, but Eunice's. Is it Eunice's? Because she's such a big beast that he had to take down Council she's the entire council. Oh, yeah, it is you missus. Okay full body They should send a death squad to my house for searching for that She's looking out hard she's pulling this blazer. Oh! Oh!

Like, it's fuckin' Tommy Boy. And here she's wearing a tablecloth. So she's, she's my council member. She's responsible for, remember when those, when those women made a shade pole? They erected a shade pole at the bus stop. Oh, you remember that shit? I do remember that, yeah. And they named it the Sonrisa or something like that. It was a pole. Stupid.

And it had like a salad tray- it had like a tiny ass tray at the top. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Let me see if I can find- she's responsible for that! Uh, shade, sonrisa, unisys? How did you say that? Unisys? Yeah. Unisys. What a- Bus stop sombrita. Sombrita? Did sombrita- this piece of shit. They made a shade structure that she can't even fit under. You know, she's gonna get- she's gonna get a tuxedo tan, so her fucking fat wings

will get sunburned, and she's gonna have a tuxedo striped down the middle because of this thing. It's such a fucking waste. It's so stupid. And she killed a, uh, I wrote stuff down. I wrote actual important political stuff down. But did I not print it? She uh

Yeah, she she canceled a gondola lift a Gondola that was gonna connect Union Station to Dodger Stadium We were gonna have a fucking ski lift what the fuck went went from the main train station in town to Dodger Stadium. She cancelled that shit. What the fuck? And and Something else I found out that's interesting. It only takes 16,000 votes to get elected Huh, right? I thought it would be

tons. Sixteen thousand? I could, I could I could definitely piss off sixteen thousand people but I'm pretty sure, I'm pretty sure I could get sixteen thousand people to go, yeah you know what, that guy his anti-fat women policy I don't know about his other policies but his anti-fat women

I want no more fat women, no fat chicks obviously number one We got to start killing criminals mm-hmm of all types unless you are doing cool crimes but if you're not doing cool crimes, we're crimes lame crimes like stealing catalytic converters and Tagging my shit. Yeah lame lame crimes. You can tag other people shit not my shit. Yeah, lame. Lame crimes. You can tag other people's shit. Not my shit. Take city buildings, city buildings, tag bridges and bridges, train cars, freeway overpasses. You tag that go fucking nuts. Make a big mural of Kobe on the side of the metro station, right? I don't give a fuck, but you start tagging my shit? Yeah, you're dead. People's houses? Bad idea. We're gonna kill you.

Any- any of that shit. Instant death. No fat chicks, lame crimes, death penalty. And... Let's all get laid. That's my- NIN. That's my official platform. I think that's a winner! I think that's a winner, man. I gotta defeat this fucking pig. I have to stomp this fucking pig Into the ground. I'm a family man

I'm a I'm an I'm a local Entrepreneur and family man, and I'm here to roast this pig And I'm here to roast this pig. Vote for me, CD1. Or else, or else, or else you're gonna fucking regret it. That's my slogan, or else, okay? You just gotta hit him with the, I'm a family man, she's a family sized man. I'm a family man, she's a family sized bag of Doritos.

Pfft. Do you think that's a good ad? I think it was worth it. I'm a family man. She's a family plan. Meal plan. She's a family van. She's a family van. Yeah!

Vote for me, I'm a family man. She's a family van. Plastered all over the fucking city. No fat chicks. Vote for me. I'm not gonna hide it. Look, I'm not a nice guy. But I will give...

There's no fucking way! I'm gonna cancel a gondola from Union Station to Dodger Stadium, no fucking way. There's anything I learned is transport from Union Station anywhere else is a great thing. Bro. Those flyway jets were wonderful. The flyway buses were fucking amazing.

That was great. The gondola, we're gonna call it Dick's Gondola Ride. Get on board, get on, hop on, hop on the dick. They're gonna rename it, cause I'm gonna resurrect it. 300 million dollars? Who fucking cares? This fat bitch has probably, probably ate the budget for the gondola ride. That's gonna be my debate style. Like normal, just me normally talking, you know?

She ate the, she ate the budget. That's what it's gonna be. Man. Ha ha ha. Everything else, exactly the same. Not gonna what it's gonna be. Man. Everything else exactly the same. Not gonna touch you. But if you're doing lame crimes, we're gonna kill you, I'm gonna send guys, cops over, with little Nazi swastika armbands,

and they're gonna just fucking shoot your ass. Right in the street. Death. Instant death. They're gonna make a fat woman eat you. Yeah, they're gonna make a fat woman eat you they're gonna pay yeah, they're gonna make a fat woman eat you Homeless get rid of them mm-hmm get rid of them Real tired of the homeless we're gonna test out the gondola with the homeless. I'm gonna shove them all in Fling them into space. Why don't you tune down the speed a little bit fastest gondola on earth we Need a net we need some more homeless!

Round them up! Got plenty of them. Ugh, can you believe that shit? Cancel a fucking gondola. Here I am living in the belly, the belly of the beast that everyone says you gotta leave California but you guys are fucking pussies. I'm the last fucking man here defending the whole country from this shit so it doesn't spread and wipe all of you fuck I'm the reason me in LA and the guys in LA are keeping this keeping the flood of insane fat women from spreading all over the country and fucking up your shit so you we it's our it you owe us for your posh ass lifestyle having guns skinny white people all over the place you owe that You owe us for your posh ass lifestyle,

having guns, skinny white people all over the place. You owe that, you owe me a debt of gratitude for keeping it locked down. Oh man, I gotta show you this thing. Instead of being the Ghostbusters, it's the Adiposebusters. You're fat. That's gonna be my entrance song.

The lipo section guns. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d The nitrous nogginers up on the hill hit that, ran over a stroller and then clipped a cop's kid and they beat the bejesus out of him and busted his arm. I was walking the dog and I see this. They came back and tagged the hill. They said, they wrote on it, where we were blocking them off, this not your hill.

So I guess they, it's not grammatically correct. It should be this is not your hill, right? Just this not your hill. And then KDA, I don't know what that is. Some kind of a rooster-based gang or something. Do you know that tag at all? Nope. This not your hill guess what it is

And if you come back with your nitrous another bullshit, we're gonna fuck. We're gonna break your fucking arms, too How do you like that? You're gonna get dragged out of your fucking car. Guess what? It's not a bunch of old people in this neighborhood anymore. It's gen X dads who don't See morality really because we were raised with fucked up morals I just love that they went out of their way to try and like fit the Like everything into like a rectangle shape Like it's a fucking business sign or something or like a park bench like yeah I just kept it all in one line and like got your message across. Yeah correctly, but this not your hill

Well, we'll see about that. Yeah First things first I gotta take down you miss you lysis the planet The the Titan the ham planet Odysseus derides polyfemis calories Mallory calorie Mallory. Dude, I need, I need all of the rhymes for fat. Oh man. I can, I can, I need 50 million rhymes.

For the first time, I'm gonna spam the shit out of your phone. Every debate. Oh, Callery Mallory over here. Fuck. Will cancel the gondola, cause she ate the budget. I'm gonna double that fucking budget.

There's gonna be two gondolas. One for Dodger fans and one for, and then I'm gonna drop an F slurb. BOMB! Yes. And everyone's gonna go, WOAH! He said, woah! And I say, you're goddamn right!

Mm-hmm. Free Palestine! That's gonna be my, That's gonna be every speech. Gotta go hard... Gotta go hard... Pro-Palestine in the paint. Cause it's a Democrat town. Well, you gotta go free Palestine, comma, F-slurs.

Free Palestine? Yeah. Yeah. Ugh! I'll really hammer it. Mm-hmm. That's when it's nothing to lose. Full commitment from me.

Right. Ah. Euniceous s-gram this eulis's s-gram here dunkin donuts over here can't even say it probably I say it all the time Molasses and Hernandez molasses ass Hernandez over here She stinks by the way stinks like shit probably uses an ass wiping wand vote for me or else I still think one of the most insane things ever said was when they when you and Sean were talking about the ass wiping wands yeah and he said someone using it to the point where it turns into like a polished stone and I Fucking That stuck with me

You know there one time use those ass wiping wands because the fat people use it once and they're like what who even cares? Why am I what who am I wiping my ass for? I stink like shit anyway. I mean I Gotta look at it again. I have to look at it again. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. No, I have to see this. I have to at it again. I Have to look at it again. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, I have to see this again. We're watching the corn balls everybody How you doing dirt? Okay, I Like Derek. He's cool. Well Well, that's what's the shame right is vetoes just immediately throwing this guy out to the wolves

No chance to like come across as anything other than like hey you're that guy who fucked everything up The fucking camera is off move it over Put seats that are facing each other Don't use a green screen Okay, watch watch this film today called the Superman. Oh, that's what it's called. Okay. That's what it's called There's a bone there You can't use a green screen because when you cut to a close-up It fucking bothers you. It's jarring because your brain is not tracking the background and it's fucking startling

Can you imagine the news doing that putting a fucking movie on in the background cutting all over the place? It's not gonna work. It's Putting a fucking movie on in the background cutting all over the place. It's not gonna work. It's It's like a damn it reverse brain rot kind of like somehow they fucked that up It's like the opposite of Caillou or whatever that show is where they addict kids to watching it, you know Hmm the corn boy you believe those fuckers wrote that on the hill? This is this not your hill. This not your hill. Well, the way they wrote it is this not your hill. This not your hill. This not.

This your not hill. Maybe that's what they meant. Oh. Like say yes to drugs or whatever that. This hill not your. This hill not your. Fucking assholes. Why don't you put down the nitrous.

Maybe you could spell properly Man I know look Ice needs to ramp it up because the only store left and A reasonable amount of driving for me the only local store that I had left that cut thick-ass steaks Went down to thin ass steaks Okay, which is I mean, I don't know why but it's a Mexican thing Why people don't cut no fucking half-inch rib eyes. Here you go. Here's a delicious half-inch rib eye I'm gonna throw it on the white people have like six inch rib eyes, you know, yeah, like Fred Flintstone

I was just about to say. That's white people culture. Mexican cultures, they cut the steak so thin you can't even see it. That is perfect. Fry this imaginary steak up. Not too long. Not too short, I mean.

You want to really fry the shit out of it. The last, and the butcher there. I always get this fucking, I always get this dumbest woman butcher. First of all, I didn't even know that women could be butchers. I missed when that... I was not thinking about something else when that was happening, so I wasn't there to stop that. But that's gotta go. You think women pilots are bad? Wait till you go to a woman butcher and have to explain shit like one versus two or how much does that one weigh.

What do you mean? Do you want it or not? Well, can you eyeball it? Can you tell me? I don't know. It's your job. I'm guessing you weigh enough meat. You should be able to just make the connections in your brain to guess how much that fucking

meat weighs. I don't really. I just do it once a week or once every other week. So I could kind of guess but it's going to be wrong. I assume you have this skill. If there's a, is there a man back there in the butcher department that can help me out? So they can help you help me. There isn't. They're all doing something else. They got this great Russian guy there. I didn't even have to say anything and I'm there with a bag of meat. Like, whoa, where did this even come from? He's like, bing, bing. He gets shit done.

This fucking lady. You got any thicker rib eyes than that? How much do you want? What the hell? Are you deaf? I'm deaf and I heard what I said. Wait. This just gives you strips. I said do you got any thicker rib eyes than that? Than this this this fucking flip-flop thickness of you got anything that's like a croc thickness maybe? Let me put it in shoe terms so you understand it you fucking cow. You unisys voter, all the fat Latina women are voting for that.

I gotta do something to stop the fat Latinas. Maybe I'll have a tortilla sale, tortilla giveaway on voting day. Oh. Vote for the free tortilla guy. Maybe I'll just say like, I love fat women. I'll just say the total opposite. And my followers will go like, well, he's fucking lying.

He's obviously, yeah. Yeah, he's fucking lying. He's obviously, yeah. He's fucking lying when he says that. You have to wink like that the whole time, too. Yeah. I love you fat, I gotta, ooh man, that'd be tough not to overdo it. Yeah, there's that fine line, right? Yeah.

I love fat women. Here's a free tortilla day, and I hate gondolas that go directly to Dodger Stadium. That's the lie. I fucking hate them, because they go up, and it freaks me out. I don't think human beings should be going up. They should just go side to side. Or better yet, sit down.

Am I right, ladies? Am I right, fat ladies? Am I right, fucking big ladies? Am I right, big guns? Am I right, Fucking big ladies. Am I right? Big, big, bigans? Am I right, my bigans? And then when I get elected I'll fucking crank it. Actually, nope. I'll pull down the banner It'll say actually I fucking hate fat women on it All the banners around town like hanging off the streetlights. Yeah, just says fuck fat women. Yeah. Yeah all the same time Just says don as fuck fat women. Yeah. Yeah all the same time. This is just fuck fat women

It'll be me saying I love fat women vote for me, and then when I win it'll they'll all come down at the same time Right, you know Actually just kidding actually burn fuck that No, it'll have a no smoking sign with potato chips. No fat, no fucking potato chips or with tahin. Especially no tahin and they'll go, Ay Dios mio, no no no. Banning flaming hot chips is like a you know. For fat women. For fat women. All the doors, all the 7-eleven doors will be shrunk so you can't get in anymore, you fatsoes. Only regular size people can get in.

We'll have some sort of a program for fat guys because I don't want them to suffer at all, but fat women gotta be, Starbucks. We'll just, we'll do a regulation for Starbucks only. There you go. Guys don't go to, fuck guys, fat guys who go to Starbucks. I don't give a fuck about them. Yeah, it's gotta be a woman thing thing. Yeah, seven target. That's cool

Seven-eleven can be as big as yeah as you want, you know bring your five gallon bucket in get that slurpee who gives a fuck mmm Fat women don't want slurpees. No, they want a fucking ice cream sundae coffee from Starbucks 7,000 calories in it. They want a gallon of creamer. Ha ha ha ha ha. They want to go to fart yoga. What the hell is that?

That says shit. Fucking slop up and eat some candy and buttermilk together. That's what they want to do. God. Oh, my son's being born next week. That's crazy, man. You were supposed to get two extra weeks. Those weeks are gone.

No more. And we go to the, we're at the hospital checking it out, you know, kicking the tires, right? Seeing what the babies, seeing how the babies are doing that are being born, they're like, oh, all right. Looks pretty good in here. And there's an ICE protest outside. This fucking nurse says, uh, oh, do you guys want to go out the back

so you don't have to see ICE in the protest? She goes, I've been sneaking all my illegal patients in through the back all day. And I said, that's interesting, because the second my baby's born, I'm fucking reporting your ass to Yeah, what the fuck fucking illegal? obstruction of ice justice gonna have man at the back now to you're going to fucking jail for that shit, so

Just letting you know you know dumbass Fucking sneaking them in and out the back the fuck Dumbass. Fucking sneaking them in and out the back. The fuck? Unreal. You think, what do you think you are? She saw your guys' last names and was like, oh, do you guys wanna go out the back?

You guys wanna go out the back? Are you illegals? No, I'm not an illegal. This is really, are you? Can you see the look on my face? How annoyed I am? You never, illegals never look annoyed. They're always like grateful, you know? that's how you can tell get their ass

Yeah thousand percent my fucking hill bitch Okay Thin ass steaks. Yeah car man, the car washing man, said my car was too dirty to wash. What the fuck is that? That's his job. Yeah, I know, my wife, she detailed her car and she goes, you want, you want to get your car detailed? And I'm like, no, because it's too expensive. It's always like 400 bucks, you know, or more. I'm not wasting money like that

Yeah for someone to go in with a toothbrush and scrub your car. Yeah, I don't need that. It's well. I'm doing mine and Then she says you're wrong. It was only it was only like 150 bucks. I said what 150 bucks Okay, yeah do mine sure cuz mine's a fucking mess. Cool. So I come back and my car's... I come back and my car's still filthy cuz we took it to the dump to get rid of stuff, you know? Mm-hmm. Still filthy, and I'm like what the hell happened? She said the guy said it's too... it's too dirty to wash. He could only do the inside at that price like what it's that it's that dirty

It should be the same it's not the same the fuck what the fuck kind of car wash shit Is what the fuck kind of add-on shit is this? The X I thought it would have been the interior that was too dirty for him to clean Yeah, so much shit to get into right pick one What do you mean pick one you can either wash the inside of the outside? Wash the inside I guess it's that it's that dirty that it has to be more Like I've been dirty you just wash the same way you don't like have to scrub extra hard Just go a little longer, and you're good Alright What a shithead Just go a little longer and you're good. Ah. It's alright.

What a shithead. Somehow everyone always figures out that it's my stuff, or it's for me, and they've managed to fuck with me still. He's like, oh yeah, it's that guy, yeah, it's gonna be double. We've been charging him 400 bucks his whole life, so I'm not gonna stop now. Yeah. You gotta... They just exist. I feel like everyone once the deck shit happened everything else from there Yeah, that's everyone feeding frenzy

The deck guys put a sign on your back that said fuck me. Yeah, get this sucker Hit him with sticks until fucking coins fall out of his pockets Pull out his neighbors Bogan feet the fucking baby doctor said you know it's growing back, too I don't know why I don't know why my neighbor's so upset. It's like already way growing back. Oh, then what the fuck all right? You should tear it out again, maybe I will Wait till he gets huge and he's proud of it. It's always annoying me too. It's always all over my car. Well they make a fucking mess man. Yeah, it does make a mess. It all has thorns on it so I'll catch one on the face every once in a while.

God damn it. Stupid fucking bush. I don't want this shit. The baby doctor throws out... Did I tell you about the stem cell staving? Yes. Oh. I gotta make that decision. You don't want to not have stem cells when you need them, right? But then if you have stem cells, you don't want to not need them because it's a waste yeah

What am I gonna fuck? Fucking up already. It's like the insurance thing, right? Yeah, and then I definitely want to die Right if I get life insurance, like well, I'm just going to start doing riskier things, I know that, I don't want, so no, I don't want this. Well they always get you with the, well you wouldn't want something like bad to happen, would you?

And it's like well, like. Yeah I do. Fuck you for bringing it up, and like now that you mention it, yes I do. Okay, here's a nice picture for you to cleanse your palate. Like now that you mention it, yes, I do. Okay. Here's a nice picture for you to cleanse your palate. Oh God, this woman is posting it. Let me read you this fucking fat woman's

insane statement too. Look at this bitch. Lena Dunham wearing the unse unsexiest lingerie ever. The ghost of Christmas feasts. The ghost of Christmas leftovers. Yeah, it looks like she's wearing a giant napkin and getting ready for a barbecue or something. Yeah. Ugh, look at this disgusting gut coming out of her, over her underpants. The darkness of the shadow really implies a lot. Oh here she is again. Look at this She looks like a monster Jesus Christ

Look at these look at these feet these calves. I thought this was like a Skin condition. Oh, I thought so too. Maybe it is maybe it's part skin condition and part weird stockings. Hmm that she's wearing Whoof man Buckles are bursting on these shoes. Yeah, that is oh Look at this poor ring look at this thing. Oh Let's zoom in on this ring. Zoom in and enhance on that one. Enhance.

Oh my goodness. Get the jaws of life over here. Yeah, that finger's going to be turning purple very soon. She's going to lose this finger. How does she possibly keep it? Maybe she paints it. It's black and wooden, but she paints it pink like the other ones like her other little.

That is probably the most vile thing I've seen on this show. Oh my God that people you need to put some you need to put a little give in your jewelry in your hand jewelry. It should be bracelet sized not well bracelet size for like a normal woman. What's it made out of? Titanium? Magic? Magical vibranium?

Someone imbued it with a spell. Put this ring in a hydraulic press. God damn. It's a space grade CNC milled component. Yeah. SpaceX, we milled you your ring, ma'am milled component. Yeah. SpaceX, we milled you your ring, ma'am. Out of space materials. Out of rhodium. God.

I mean, that's a, looks dangerous. Jesus. There you go. Just something for the kids. Man, that's awful. I know. I didn't want to see it either. Um. Man, that's awful. I know I didn't want to see it either I

Got oh yeah USAID shit, this is this is funny. It's funny until you look at How many of these USAID motherfuckers there are? apparently You know or USAID you're not supposed to call USA because it's not, like they just named it like that. Like Israel, they named it like that so people would like it. Yeah, but their whole thing is having cute shit acronyms. So it's like the one time that they're like, oh, here's our acronym and it's like, oh, it's USAID.

They're like, actually don't call it by that. Actually don't call it by that. Yeah. Well, fuck you. You're the cute shit department. It's all you guys do. All right, here they're, they all got fired, and they're all crying about it.

Inside the State Department HQ tonight, as diplomats gathered in the lobby to clap out their laid off colleagues, some of which have served for decades. Man, oh man, this is great. Great! Get rid of them. Any job where you have time to stand around in a big circle and clap for people is not a real job.

No. Doing emails is not a real job. Daycare. You guys are all in daycare here. You should be on the street begging for money or blowing a guy for food. You should not be in this daycare scenario pretending Are you fucking kidding me man? How long does this last? God damn. This guy's one of those like something up my ass walkers.

You know? They walk like there's something in their ass. Ah, okay. And this is a little, this is an idea of who's running this shit. They posted all these posters all around, all around the State Department because they got laid off, so they posted like kindergarten level posters. It's butcher paper with written in colorful crayon or markers. Your work left an impact. Thank you for your service. What is this shit?

Blue painters tape so it doesn't leave a mark on the wall even. Dude, this is highly offensive. Everyone's crying about the Epstein list, but I actually hate this more than I hate pedophiles, so... Good. Whatever... If I saw that on my way out of getting fired or laid off or whatever, you have to just drive your car back into the building. There's no other way. Look at this shit. Just say you fucking hated me, or like wish I was dead. car back into the building. There's no other way. Look at this shit.

Just say you fucking hated me, or like wish I was dead. Like that's the worst. This is brain dead shit. This is like HR mandatory fun shit run amok. Family level, cloying, obsequious, like sycophant shit. This is like AI thinking, you will be missed.

What was your job exactly? Setting up, doing emails? Setting up meetings, doing emails. Ordering butcher paper. And trying to fuck over regular people who have to work, who have to work for a living. Trying to bleed them dry while you get to be in daycare, playing with posters and clapping for each other and shit like that.

This is revolting. And I might have one more. Well, that's the thing too, it's not just those two minutes of clapping, it's the half an hour it takes to make sure everyone's in the fucking room. It's not just like- Yeah, yeah, yeah, Let's have a big show.

It's a whole production. Here's Sat America's experts on democracy, human rights, Yes, which include women's LGBTQ+, and minorities' rights. Sickening. Blow your fucking brains out. Elections secu- Elections security. Freedom of expression. Really?

Can I write the N-word on this piece of paper? Can I just- Is that cool? Can I just come in and write N-word? Can I even write just- Precisely N-word. Am I allowed to write that on the fucking bathroom in here? Can I make my email that? N-word at the- at USA.org.gov? Am I allowed to write that on the fucking bathroom in here? Can I make my email that?

n-word at the at USA dot org got gov I doubt it privacy on countering corruption violent extremism and disinformation and more Wow Probably eating mm-hmm snacks. Well, there's disinformation and there's also that information too You see and more you've just released them and hundreds of their colleagues into the wild in the United States of America

Couple days a couple days sucking dick oughta knock this right out of you oughta take care of this Oh, you mean I I got a suck dick to eat shit What about election? security Can I no no I'm afraid the only job? I'm already afraid the only job was we need done our dick sucking jobs So the best thing they did for countering corruption is getting laid off yeah you've just released them into the wild like a Sasquatch mm-hmm like a duck all right go fend for yourself should have released him into the ocean

oh gosh okay what else happened this week? I Got a woman alert for you. Yeah, tell me Now dick you You know you go out to dinner with your wife sometimes right yeah try not to but yeah, right try not to it's always expensive It's always expensive. It's not a cheap affair. You know, I'm sure you've noticed a couple more gray hairs in my crown lately, too, you know, while it's taking damage.

But here's the thing. When you go out to a nice dinner, or what is supposed to be, you would expect at least some of your food to be correct, right? Yeah. Not every thing wrong. Mm-hmm Get to this place. My girlfriend's like, oh we should we should check this place out Cool looks great. Everything checks out online everywhere else, right? Uh-huh. We get there. It's a cool place. Whatever sit down

And we notice there's no men anywhere And we notice there's no men anywhere. Huh. Anywhere? Anywhere. Running it? Running it. Or eating at it. Nowhere running it.

Oh, wow. OK. So I've never seen that. Trying to ignore it. And she points out, she goes, wow. I know we always say put a girl on like that meme, but maybe we should take a girl off here. And I was like, yeah, we're already here.

Let's just see. That was my fuck up for saying we should take a girl off here. And I was like, yeah, we're already here. Let's just see. That was my fuck up for saying we should stay. So we order a sparkling wine, which came out flat. And the waitress goes, oh, let me know if you want me to change this or anything before even. Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean?

What are you talking about? Let me know. Ordered a salad with no tomatoes, right? Came with more tomatoes than salad. Fucking the pizza that was supposed to have pesto, like as the sauce base, Yeah. came with tomato sauce and like a tiny drizzle of pesto on top and I'm like get all of this fucking cute- They're chintzy with sauce too. Yeah. Women. It was all notoriously chintzy with sauce. Everything about it came back wrong and fucked up.

And it was like, what is going on here? And then of course, on our way out, we realized, like, of course. Because there's no men here. Women run. Women only business. Didn't see any Mexicans in the kitchen doing a good job anywhere. It was just like, you know, it was just such a colossal letdown in that moment.

Cause again, everything looked, the food itself looked nice. Then you tasted it and it was like, fine. I asked for buttermilk. I got a chicken sandwich, a Jack in the box and buttermilk. And I get to the front and the woman, she gives me the bag and then she takes a packet of gut buttermilk and Opens it and says how much do you want? I said just give me the

Give me the whole give me the whole one. What don't dump a little bit out fuck That was basically what we got to It was unbelievable what what is happening to this world They put that on Yelp now, woman owned or whatever, so you could avoid it. Yeah, they should add it to the filter so you can know where not to go. Yeah, it was nice.

I'm surprised they got that one through. Like, oh, thanks, that's helpful. Now I can not go. The filter's weird though. You can only click it and see them to avoid them. It should, they messed it up. It should supposed to be, you know. How do I blacklist all these places?

Yeah, blacklist these ones, get rid of them. But at least can go afterwards. You're like, okay, let me just make sure Oh close one. Yeah, I almost went there Oh, that was the thing too It took three different women coming to take care of us because they couldn't fucking figure out anything We got a different waitress with every check. It. It was astounding. Never seen anything like it. Team. It's a whole team. It took a whole team to fuck everything up about our order. Mm-hmm. Sounds about right. Here's a urine robot being tested in Taiwan. Urine bot. Urine bot is being tested in a hospital in Taiwan.

The device will run an array of tests and sends your results to your file. Uh, why does it got arms? It's like to help you piss. I guess that's cool. Your robot. So it like gives your, it like wriggles your dick out to get rid of piss driplets in like a robot way. It gives you a little free shake, you know?

It's the last place I want robot arms is in the urinal. It's either that or three seashells, man. Your call. I'll take, I don't want a robotic Terminator arm ripping my penis off by accident Robotic seashells. Yeah, I'll take the seashells. This is the last thing that I Don't put them right next to the wiener either. What the hell is he's for? I

Don't know. They're very pointy. Yeah, they're too pointy. He's gonna stab you They're too fucking pointy He claps while you piss that would be cool put it on a video Yeah, ooh Here's another robot that I got for you check this shit out We have to combine that with our shitting toilet the shit measurement one. Yeah. Oh shit. This little guy He's a robot that's walking and this other guy's kicking the shit out of them These are always so stupid to me look at this little guy go

Are these little assholes gonna be running around the city now little piece of shit that you can knock over with a Parking with a two by four he runs WWF running to take a shit. Yeah, it does look like he's running to take a shit Oh shit. I gotta take a robot shit. Oh He fucked it up It's like the only knocked his arm off Damn keep watching this video looks cool You get to throw shit at robots walking around

I feel like the only thing with robots though is everyone's just how impressed like look we can knock it over and it gets Back up like every Boston Dynamics video is like It's like let's just push it down like watch this fuck this thing up, and it's like okay like they have this obsession with making Walking robots that can get up like guys no one has ever wanted a walking robot that can get up who the fuck asked for that Making this to be a dickhead yeah, why why do I want a robot that jumps that does box jumps? I don't want a human being that does box jumps now Make one. That's like. I don't want a human being that does box jumps. No. Make one that's like, I don't know, make a one that vacuums the house well.

Yeah. Not this piece of shit Roomba that everyone bought. This fucking Roomba, man. Make a robot that folds shirts. Give me a robot that takes the shirts out of the dryer and fucking folds them. Well, and if you look at shit like the Jetsons and stuff too, Rosie was just a big hunk of shit on a wheel.

Like, it's not like she was some advanced fucking thing. Like... Yeah, with little office chair wheels. Yeah. All those robots... Yeah, why do I want legs? Put it on fucking wheels! Yeah, it's a fucking robot.

Put it... build it in the washing machine. Just fold the shirts. Yeah. Stop making it too crossfit, you fucking idiots. No one wants this shit. Nobody wants a crossfit robot. Yeah, stop making it to CrossFit you fucking idiots. No one wants this shit Nobody wants a CrossFit robot China's got a little ball that chases criminals around there doing lame crimes and do that Rosie was even fat as shit, too Incapable of CrossFit Mac to Mac had a

Bucket for a head and wheels for legs all those fucking robots were trash pincers not fingers I Don't want fucking fingers helping me piss Yeah, good shit. They can't close on the robot on the piss robot I fucking tentacles or something you know just sticks don't give it fucking grips Don't give the goddamn piss robot grips you idiot It's a matter with what's the matter with these guys fucking they're making robot dogs and shit Nobody wants a robot dog for police now Tired of all the realism and shit, you know, yeah like I want some surrealism back

Yeah, like a ball Like why do you saw sirs have to simulate dust? A ball. A saucer. Why do video games have to simulate dust effects and stuff? Like what happened to just like Mario in like a breathless environment, right? He was just like, you didn't give a fuck about what's in the air.

I'm sick of breath timers in video games. I fucking hate that shit. Sick of everything in video games, man. We beat, we beat Red Dead 2. How'd that go over? You know what? I didn't know Red Dead 2 had an ending. I thought that you just got killed as Arthur and then you have to do those gay missions with John Marston's house.

And I fucking quit. My wife is playing it. And she's doing the... she does the missions with the John proposing to his wife and then there's another mission I said what the fuck is this she goes this is a this is a another mission and it's that that lady coming back and saying okay I know where Micah is let's go kill him and I said what I never played this where did you get where did this come from? She goes it was after the you proposed to your wife. I Said I quit that I quit the game at that mission because I was so sick of doing all the Stupid shit with John's you have to take the dog fishing then you go on a date with your wife

I said fuck this I'm not going to date with my fucking pretend wife. I'm not going on a date with some fucking pretend wife. I'm not going on a date with some fucking computer wife. Yeah I'm not going to the move. I'm definitely not going to the pretend movies with a pretend wife Well, you got to spend pretend money, too That's a lot of spending my hard-earned pretend money fucking I had to catch three bounty guys for this fucking movie ticket Fuck this I so I quit like five years ago whenever I when I played it and The whole time I've been thinking, well, I mean, that's, I guess that's the point of the game. Like, you gotta just kind of be, you just gotta kind of live your life. And sucks that none of the bad guys died, but that's kind of the point, isn't it?

And then I see her playing this last Micah mission, I'm like, oh, so it wasn't the point? The point is to kill the point the point is to kill the Point is to kill to get revenge fuck. I've been doing it all wrong this whole time So the point was to get revenge oh See you were right in your thinking before you had saw before you had given up Yeah, I was like I'm not I'm not doing this gay mission of taking your wife out I'm done. I quit, I hate this. I don't need to participate in this ending, right?

This happy ending. No need. And then they got married and they lived happily ever after. Nah, I'm good. No thanks. Dumb. I'm gonna go to St. Denis and just kill people now. I couldn't believe it.

Like what the fuck, this is an awesome mission. There's tons of guys getting killed here. Fuck em, you know? Mike is bouncing around like a fucking Mexican jumping bean. Like what the fuck? Man. Dutch comes out, shoots him. I missed all this shit! They hid it behind such as... Yeah, they really made you- Fiending list fucking missions. Ugh, go on a fucking date with your wife. Ugh. Press X to go on a date with your wife. Fuck you. Rather press X to doubt, you know?

Yeah, get out of this mission. Fucking skip. Couldn't believe that. Okay, what else do I have here? USAID shit. Epstein List, man. Oh, man. Who could have seen that one? Podcasters are really upset about that dang Epstein List. Because they would have got out- they would have really got out of their studios and arrested the entire CIA and Mossad if only that list had come out

Fucking retarded Everyone's always looking for that panacea, you know, dude. Somebody actually said to me. Well, yeah, the F scene list fixes everything I'm like did some fucking podcast convince you of that? It sucks, but quite frankly, ICE is removing like thousands of pedophiles from my neighborhood. I don't give a fuck about some guys who I already know are pedophiles

in Washington DC and all over the world. Guess what? You can't stop those guys. Those guys over there, fucking Umberto over there that came to this country In the trunk of a Toyota Tercel to molest kids, that motherfucker we can stop. Get him the fuck out of here. People don't seem to realize that you can't- that there's a limited number of things you can do And that the people who want to get involved are oftentimes

And that the people who want to get involved are oftentimes fucking retards who will fuck everything up for you or Or fuck or sabotage you on purpose or because they're fucking stupid so you kind of have to do a Limited number of things and you really got to try really hard to do them and it's not and it's not everything It's not let's, let's think about doing everything all the time and fix everything at the same time. Let's just focus on the things that we can fix. The 8,000 pedophiles in Dick Masterson's neighborhood, let's get rid of them.

What about all the pedophiles in Washington, DC and shit? Yeah, I mean, guys, it's just not fucking happening. What about all the pedophiles and what about the spy agencies that are? You know using kids and sex crimes to entrap the richest and most powerful people in the world What are we doing about that guess what nothing? That's part of the game for those guys. Yeah, like that's Well, there is no there is no Epstein list Cash Patel the guys there is no Epstein list why why not you should be doing that

Why don't why aren't you guys blackmailing pedophiles then yeah start doing it tomorrow? Start making another Epstein list tomorrow start entrapping those you guys better start doing it or else Israel's gonna do it because I fucking promise You they're doing it. They don't give a fuck. They're mowing Palestinian kids down and laughing about it They love it. I guarantee you they're entraing their blackmailing pedophiles in powerful positions. So you motherfuckers better start tomorrow if you're not. It's like the next arms race. Instead of, yeah, instead of going to hockey games and opening your eyes as wide as possible every day. Oh, look, honey.

I got my eyes a little bit wider opening them. You guys need to start blackmailing pedophiles. It's retarded. It's how the world works, man. Yeah. It's how it's always worked. We gotta get that list. What list?

What are you talking about? Well, you know, there's a list. It's got all the pedophiles on it. Really? Is that what you think? There's just a list and it says, Epstein saved it as work stuff dot txt Maybe they didn't look for that It's in the folder labeled not porn and it's in a file named work stuff dot txt and it's every pedophile

Ranked by their degree of pedophileness. So it's nice. It's nice and easy to go in It's an Excel spreadsheet. Yeah, you can there's a pivot table on it that ranks their pedophile- their pedophile-ness. Fucking stupid, you stupid motherfuckers. Different pages for each month of the year, every year. Trump's like, well yeah, they're working on other shit like election fraud, yeah, that's more important. Sorry, podcast guy. I know like, I know every-

I know everyone online is obsessed with fucking pedophiles, but yeah, I actually kind of would rather ice do shit what ice would do this shit and Election fraud stopping from happening that would be that's way more important Well people forget to you can't start at the top you got to fix everything else first and kind of work your way up Yeah, you got to do you got to fix something first Mm-hmm. Why don't you fix that easy shit? You gotta fix your audio first. Why don't you fix the crack in the sidewalk first

before you start building a bridge into outer space? Yes. How about that? You gotta finish your comment. Why don't you raise one of your kids properly, Elon, instead of making a third political party full of Indians? India first. Why don't you make sure the rest of your kids

don't wanna cut their dicks off before you start, you know, rewiring America's brains. America's second party. Yeah. Oh, man. You know how much fucking fraud those motherfuckers do? The H1V managers, they are fucking- they are- they do so much fraud it would make your head spin. It would.

They get- they send one candidate in for an interview. He writes down all the questions, then they send those questions to all the other Indians, and no matter who gets the job, they send whomever they want in. These motherfuckers are devious. I interviewed, I've hired a lot of people in my life. One of the last roles I hired for, the guy applied, the guy applied, and it's impossible, it's very difficult to spot them now because of chatGBT. Mmm. So now you have to look for chatGBT tells like, like emojis and stuff, like the checkmark emoji.

Shit that no people, that normal people would never use, but some will get past that. This fucking clown had a, had a, like, his picture looked like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, like blonde, white. And he's some fucking nowhere town in New York. But I say, okay, here's the time. Send him a Zoom link or whatever.

He said, get on this call, you know. 10 minutes late, I'm like, all right, that's a bad sign. The Indian meter, my EKG, my Indian EKG starts going, woo, woo, woo. I got this little Ghostbusters themed device that I have on my person at all times that can detect Indian signals.

It's just a fecal detector in the air. It starts going, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. And I'm like, I got a class four shitter over here. Fiber counter. Here comes Slimer. He gets on, and right away, it's like, it's the worst Indian accent I've ever heard. I'm looking at his picture, and it's Johnny

Unitas in the picture. And he's like, hello, sir. Oh, hi. Yes, hello, mister,. Oh, hi. Are you this for yes this for the hello, mr. You know my name I Said oh, yeah, you're in You live in the United States And he goes yes And I said, where do you live?

And he goes, uh in United States It's not even if you're not even fucking close not even quite Not even close. Not even close. The fact that you would- the fact that you would try to pull this shit as bad at pretending to be- And first of all, you're from New York. If you have somebody- I mean, first of all, your accent is just totally atrocious, and you're obviously Indian. Your connection's fucked. I can hear a fuck- I can hear the fucking trains behind I can hear Mumbai behind you

Everybody's speaking fucking Indian behind you okay, that's not what normal conversations sound like in America anyway Yeah, if you're from new you're either from Canada or India one the thing is is like people who are from New York They'll make it very known The exactly they from New York, they'll make it very known. Exactly. They say, New York. Where you from? United States? No person from the United States has ever said that. Not one. That's gonna be my new answer now. Hahahaha!

Where you from? United States. Idiot. Fuckhead, yeah. You say you're from LA? You say you're from New York? Yeah, I'm from- Say you're from, you know, Sheboygan? Nobody fucking says United States, you dick brain.

You shit for brains. And the fact that you would try to perpetrate this on me is really infuriating. It makes me really angry as an American. We don't like getting swindled. We really fucking hate getting swindled. All of our supervillains, if if you notice all the supervillain every supervillain in every movie Their insult their go-to is always fool That's the worst the worst guy in every story as a worst insult. He says is that you got tricked

That's how deep it is in our brains in America. Yeah, because it's really important I will fucking kill you if you scam us. Man, George Bush, man, fool me once. Fool me, can't get fooled again. Ha ha ha. Fuckin'. I wish that guy wasn't such a fucking, what is such a jerk?

Yeah. You know? He's such a fucking jerk. I just remember whenever That should kill joy. Remember when everyone was like, George Bush is the Antichrist. And it was like, looking back now, it's like, no, he just like... We've had way crazier shit since then, I feel like.

Yeah. Did the Patriot Act... Did Trump kill that? I hope so. I think it's gone. I think he got rid of it. Ugh. And now we're...

Now we can leave our shoes on at the airport. Oh Now maybe I'll get through with my fucking stupid real ID. Oh, did you get yours yet? Did you know I had to give my passport first? Okay, that's always how my life gets fucked up One thing like leads to another fuck up another like the license expires And then you can't renew your insurance without a license and you can't renew it's like yeah fuck That fucking fetch quest of fetch quest legal documents. Yeah But then it's like if you don't do that fetch quest then you're good. You'll get immediately get going on. Yeah You're gonna jail. Mm-hmm. You miss you lissy's

Fucking hungry hungry hippo send you to jail You either have to pay a little money and waste a lot of time, or waste a lot of time and waste a lot of money. And it's that 10, there's 10 different versions of that happening at all times. And they all need the same supporting documents except for one extra one each time too. It really annoys me how many times I've had to like

hold my driver's license in front of a camera. Yeah. Or use my phone to verify that I'm a fucking human. Like why is this happening? Why can't I just go like bonk and hit it? Why are you guys making robots that can do CrossFit and I'm having to type on an app every like 600 times a day just to live my life.

Two four eight two four two. It's me you fucks. Why do I have to memorize six numbers so many times every day? I'm fucking tired of it. Just give me one number. So give me any numbers. Just make it fucking work.

Yeah. Make it work. Figure it out. We're trying to simplify everything. Stop hiring all these goddamn Indians. Stop it. It's totally fucked. I don't know who's going to take up that fight.

Probably be the Democrats, honestly. It better be. Yeah, it better be. They better get rid of these fat chicks and get on the Hey, American worker, we're actually fucking tired of corporations replacing you with Indians. We're going to deport all of them. Because the next step- You guys got it. I'm in. We're gonna deport all of them. Because the next step- You guys got it. I'm in.

We're gonna have fat Indians next. Ha ha ha ha ha. Nobody wants that. They send the first guy in. He gives the test to everybody else. And then they all just come in and ace the test. Dude, they're the borg, man. And they don't know, they know fucking nothing.

Nothing. Every recent college grad, no work for you. Oh yeah. But piping in H1B visas who know not a goddamn thing. Less, they know less than, less than boomers about computers. Like, ah, totally. We're purposefully nuking our own infrastructure with this shit. It's so crazy. You ever see those Instagram videos of like, or the Reels, where it's like Indian computer school, and they're sitting on like a Windows 95 machine

like fucking around with Excel, like showing you how to like, here's how you add a whole column together. And then they're like, here's your degree Like dude, they're straight up They have like I forget the stat but it's something staggering like 50% of their doctors don't actually have met have fake medical degrees Well, and then they come over they come over here is like yeah, we're you know, we're a meritocracy So we we'd love to have more doctors like hey shitheads. There's there's not their medical schools aren't real over there. They're fucking retarded What do you what are you thinking? Yeah, not all of them, but way way too many way too many Well, I had a I went down a whole wormhole of

Indian doctor videos that started showing up in my feed for whatever reason and it's like people will show up with like a broken Wrist or something and this asshole will heat up like a Fork or like a crowbar With two points at the end and he gets it red hot Or then he finds where your pain is and pokes it and then he taps it right on there a couple times And then everyone's like oh, yeah, I feel so much better I'm not even thinking about my wrist pain anymore And it's like yeah cuz he fucking burned the. I like he just stood their country's fucked up

I don't like is it there is it their caste system because they did eugenics But in a fucked up way so then they've been doing it for so long like did they make their own? Did they like pool all their genetic resources at the very top instead of pooling their money like we did it must it must have been because man The amount of like Indian street food fucking goop scoop videos I get they're doing shit That like no one would think to do like normal people would be grossed out by that Mm-hmm like nah, I'm not I'm not doing that nor am I eating it just scratching your foot You know even our dumbest people. Yeah, they don't do that shit. Mm-hmm. I Mean washing your chicken is dumb, but at least this there is is not at least is not dirt it's miss

yeah it's misguided but the impulse is correct yes of wanting clean food yeah yeah totally get this clean food I got this food clean I should wash it like now no going too far yeah yeah. Yeah, you went too far Someone should have corrected you a father should have corrected you when you're young said that way you don't do what you're doing stupid Some along the line I don't want a piss robot. I don't want crossfit robots. I Don't want any more fucking h1bss at all. Sick of it. What about a crossfit robot that pisses on Indians? Or H1Bs, rather. Yeah, send that little ball after them.

The little robot ball that the Chinese got. Well, what if you piss in the robot enough times and it decides to use its pointy arms to spray it all back at you? Exactly. I don't want that shit. You don't know what the fuck that thing's doing. You didn't make the robot. You don't know what it can do.

Here's my problem with Epstein. If you want to get Epstein, you can't send a fat woman, a sports ball man, and a retard podcaster after him.'re gonna have to send a supervillain after him. That's if you guys if you didn't know this I'm sorry you're gonna he's a he was a really smart guy working with a lot of really smart people You're gonna have to send some really smart motherfuckers You're not gonna send a guy who's tweeting about the Rangers game that he went to last night after a billionaire super criminal that works for Mossad. Yeah, it's... Yeah.

We're gonna need... You're gonna need a lot of space. We got a razors... We got a dick hairs width of clearance here to save the country, to prevent it from being just total Marxist communist hell, right? We just don't have time to stop the rich and powerful pedophiles. I'm sorry that these morons told you that that was going to happen, but it's just never going to happen.

That's like a game, that's like a final boss thing. Stop all the rich and powerful pedophiles. They're very hard to catch. These dummies aren't doing it. Yeah. Cernovich could do it, but you opted not to let him do it. He'd at least get you started. But I mean, that's step one, right?

The first time that guy called into the show, it was because, or maybe it was because he was unsealing the Epstein stuff. I kind of remember that. Long, long ass time ago. Yeah. That's step one. So if you're not, you gotta send somebody like him

or even worse guys after Epstein. Send the worst to the worst guys. Send the pedophiles. You're gonna have to, actually, you're gonna have to blackmail some pedophiles to go after the other pedophiles. Yeah. It's gonna be Pedophile Island.

It's like that Blazing Saddles signing up all the criminals. Yeah, yeah. It's like, sign up? You're not gonna send fucking Dan Boingo and goofy fuck Cash Patel after him. Those are nice guys. You know, they're a little bit retarded, but...

You need someone who is not retarded. Yeah, you need somebody who's so not retarded they get in trouble for not being retarded. They're so smart they get bored and start fucking... Doing crimes and shit. Yeah. That's probably my number one worry of having a kid, a son is, all right, you gotta... Yeah, you have to keep that motherfucker active, because your shit is gonna be in shambles. You gotta either be a, you're either going, you either gotta be a CEO or you're going to prison.

Like there's not, there's a very, these are very defined paths for you. Don't go to prison. Do be a CEO, it's the same shit, trust me. The same people end up in both, CEO guys just had a little, they have a little bit better impulse control. Just enough, you know. Just enough. Very fine line, oh man. You gotta show that motherfucker Tetris

as soon as he got motor skills. Bro, I'm gonna be real with you, Very fine line, like, oh man. You gotta show that motherfucker Tetris as soon as he got motor skills. Mm-hmm. Bro, I'm gonna be real with you, none of this shit matters, but don't, don't land yourself in prison. It's bad. That's bad. That's the only goal, just don't do that. Not saying you're, not saying you're wrong, but.

Yeah, just don't end up there. Just a certain, there's a certain type of crime that's okay. Mm-hmm. You gotta figure it out. Um, alright, let's read some comments. It's so annoying all the Epstein shit. Now I'm glad he got away with it. All the people crying about it. Mm-hmm. Good. I hope he's actually still alive, still doing it.

Well, it's like the same people who are like Who are obsessed and I'm sure I've talked about this before but like like the Sam Harris figures who are like So obsessed with figuring out like where our thoughts come from and being like, oh see We're not even in control of our own selves and it's like, okay, cool up retard Yeah, and it's like okay say you figure it all out right? Like how different is your life gonna be yeah, okay cool What if you what if you fully prove the existence of God right like okay cool like you're still Like I've never seen anyone Again, I'm sure the Pope has even had doubts in his faith But you find a crackhead you are always gonna get that so it's like I can't imagine your average person is gonna

Go wow they proved God exists like Wolf the average guy is really gonna be a fat. Oh Leonardo DiCaprio is a pedophile. Oh, well, so how much so what are we doing about? The gas price of gas again. Is that when the pedophiles doing that no, okay We've we've reached that fatigue where it's like who can like we already know all this shit like give us normal people don't give a shit Help us with the unknowns man Like when the church moved all their pedophiles around it's like well. Did you stop going no? Like the goal of playing minesweeper isn't to fucking click on the ones you know are bad. We already know they're bad Find all other ones they're everywhere they're fucking they're fucking everywhere. That's why I don't play mind-speaker man. Fuck that game.

They're everywhere and they're very motivated. They're very motivated. Well, cuz they're out of their country. So they're like, well, I don't have you know Doesn't matter to them. Yeah And it's like you can't come over and fuck our shit up Yeah And it's like you can't come over and fuck our shit up You guys really think they were gonna kill like 10% of people or 6% or whatever the fucking? Pedophile percentages you really think that's gonna happen. I don't think it is Cuz you're talking about people who are already molesting kids, and I don't they don't have a lot

They don't have a long way to go you know yeah Yeah, we're wasting trying trying to tell me how bad it is when someone out there is doing it currently like yeah what do you think they're capable of they're already raping kids yeah tell them. These people man. You don't understand you know you don't understand mm-hmm it was funny Trump talking about we still talking about FC like yeah exactly that's exactly how I feel meanwhile I drove home in rush hour traffic the other day and you know empty and it's great bro I didn't realize I had to take my foot off the gas until I

saw a stoplight eventually oh shit I posted a picture of the traffic. I saw that. I got three million views on Twitter every big like You know every big conservative is like look at this, you know Look at this shit. You know, it's already working and I'm like, yes It is working all these motherfuckers then I get all these motherfuckers in my replies telling me I don't know LA traffic. Uh, guess what? I know it. I can smell it. I got a fucking seventh sense just for traffic.

Like Wolverine. I can sense the fucking traffic. Like the lawn mower, you know, ooh, ooh, it's getting bad. Ooh, it's getting bad out there. I got a fucking rheumatoid arthritis of my pedal foot. I can feel it getting bad outside. Like ooh, ooh, ooh, we better go. We gotta go. We gotta get ahead of the traffic pedal foot I can feel it getting bad outside like we better go we better we got to go

We got to get him ahead of the traffic. We got to go right now That's too late. It's too late. The traffic's too bad. I think that every day Some fucking woman telling me that I don't know traffic in LA hundreds of women It's always like that on it's a Sunday. Yeah, I fucking know what day it is Well, it was like that on Monday and Tuesday to you dumb bitches like it's a holiday weekend Yeah, the holiday weekends are the worst you fuck you F Yeah

Fat F fat F you fat F They call him F steam Should call him F steam Call him Epstein. You should call him Epstein. Fuckstein. Yeah, he was painting his nails and dicks and asses. Epstein's cool now. He's making everyone triggered, losing their minds.

You just got to wear an Epstein shirt, dude. Just like a picture of his face with him smiling, one of those like photo realistic ones. Yeah. Everyone's like, oh shit, that's crazy, man. Fucking JF Garpe got a bunch of Epstein money Hmm everyone got Epstein money fuck man with the that's why he's Epstein dude That's why he's Epstein yeah, it's cool. Yeah, that doesn't make him cool. Was he a pedophile? I don't what did he do the raping or he was just recording it. I think he was just a businessman

Yeah playing a little bit fast and loose huh yeah, he was doing a little too much, uh, buy low, sell high. Was he blackmailing everyone or just pedophiles? Everyone. Had to be everyone. Giving everyone money to influence their operation, blackmailing married, probably blackmailing married men with irregular women. Just got... And pedophiles too. Dude, he said, you know, he was like the post office of blackmail.

Yeah, he was Israel's number one, he was like the post office of blackmail Yeah, he was Israel's number. It was massage number one guy, right? He's laying that his his wife or whatever. He's saying Maxwell's dad was in the massage. Yeah Okay Yeah, sure if you think what are you gonna do release a list of like guys cheating on their wives for blackmail You can't fucking do that. Yeah, what are you gonna identify their dicks in the in the child fucking rape videos? No, and much like proving the existence of God, right? It's like oh wow that really changed everything for us like everyone's still gonna be in power like yeah sure they're gonna turn Who's the bad guy the CIA is doing that shit? Mm-hmm. They're always doing that shit. So go after them now

We need the list first. Yeah, cuz you're fucking gay. That's why. I don't need no list. I know they're bad. You can't tell they're bad without a list. Yeah, you wouldn't need a list for them. They're all bad. Get rid of all of them. All the people in power.

They're all bad. You don't need a list. That's why they want to be in power. Yeah. That's why they're there. Cause they'll do anything. That's why they won. You think good people get in that position? No. Just bad people. They're all bad. Whole world of motherfuckers who never even saw Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, man. Yeah. That's the oldest trick in the book. You need a list? What are you? Five? Yeah. Show me the list of where the book. You need a list? What are you, what are you, five? Yeah.

Show me the list of where the bad guys are. They're all bad. What, do you never just learned even the smallest bit of history? Listen to the shit they say. It's totally insane. Mm-hmm. Psychotic. What if they raped a kid? Yeah, sure. That would be, yeah, it would be bad too. That would be yet another bad thing that they did. Same kind of people who own maps and not globes, man.

Yeah. This perverse take on the world. Perverse society. The world is flat. It's just fucking podcasters that need something to talk bitch about. You know, because everything's awesome, and they can't just talk about stuff being awesome. Like me.

I love it. Ice shit, ooh. Sending a Blackhawk helicopter into MacArthur Park. Karen Bass out there. It's trying to save MacArthur Park. Full of kids playing soccer. It's full of fucking drug addicts and criminals. Yeah, MacArthur Park needs to be fucking nuked. In Terminator 2, when that bitch is climbing

on the chain link fence going, ah, they dropped a nuke. In my mind, I'm picturing that's MacArthur Park getting nuked saying, yeah, that's awesome. It's like a time crisis, right? You walk through and it's all the zombies that pop up and you got to shoot them all down. MacArthur Park's a fucking hellhole. Yeah. To see ice right through there with horses is awesome.

One of the most amazing things I've ever seen in L.A. MacArthur Park is like that part in the RPG where everyone's like a bad guy. Yeah! And you have to walk through and get some eye like, it's like, cause I've, I've passed by it the other day. It's like the fucking Star Wars cantina. Yeah. MacArthur Park. It's insane.

Don't even slow down. You don't even slow down next to MacArthur Park. You can't. They, when they cleaned it up, they found like six dead bodies. Mm-hmm. In the, in the pond. Yeah. Of MacArthur Park stacked on top of each other, sticking out of the top of the water.

It's a fucking hellhole. Yeah, that place sucks. The mayor talking about kids playing soccer. I wouldn't even let kids know about MacArthur Park. No. You get grimy just from thinking about it. It's got a Megan's Law alert in the park. It's so bad.

The actual park is on the sex offender registry. You have to scan a QR code and sign a waiver to enter. Yeah. You got to sign a waiver. Fucking. Send Iceman, send the fucking Feds right in. Get ready for the fence fold. Kick everyone's fucking ass.

Yeah. I'm rooting for the other guys. Yeah Never thought I would see the day, but I'm like you know what actually clean up the park. Yeah get in there man You can't walk anywhere find the kids who spray-painted this not your hill and deport their ass Send them to alligator alcatraz make them live in MacArthur Park Yeah, turn that into a fucking prison. Yeah turn that into alligator Alcatraz. Make them live in MacArthur Park. Yeah. Turn that into a fucking prison. Yeah, turn that into alligator Alcatraz.

Oh, wait, I had a funny alligator Alcatraz thing. Let me see if I have it. No one's tried to call it alligator catraz or anything or too long. Crocodile concentration camp. Oh, that's great too. Alligator Auschwitz I've seen. That's cool.

Alligator catraz. concentration camp. Oh, that's great too. Alligator Auschwitz I've seen. That's cool. Allicatraz. Newsome's, oh yeah, Newsome's spending a hundred million dollars to to put affordable housing where all the Palisades houses burnt down, all the rich people houses, they're putting fucking affordable housing there. I didn't want to feel justified in sending that out to a bunch of people but to show that I was right was like well yeah like that's a shame those are the bad guys those are the bad guys those the ones raping kids mm-hmm stealing houses all it's just raping

whole families man all that shit's the same you you will know you know what the list is because you could see the stuff the bad stuff that people are doing yes that's all you need to know. Let me see here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this guy, Rep Maxwell Frost describes the insane situation. Do I have this, his video? What I saw made my heart sink. Let me see if I can find his video.

Sounds real shitty. Yeah, it sounds like don't do something that will get you on a list to go to alligator alcatraz. That's so crazy. Take the money and go fucking home. Pretty easy. Here he is. Alright let's let's hear it from him. They opened the door there was about six security guards standing there kind of pushing us back but we could see in and we could hear everybody and when those doors opened you know what I saw made my heart sink I saw 32 people per cage about six cages in the one tent I saw a lot of people young men who looked like me and people who are my age gay people were yelling

Help me help me I heard in the back someone say I'm a US citizen All right, as we were watching a robot kill him right leave it dig out his ass. I'm from the United States Give us free looking into these cages you could see Of course, it was warm and hot within the tent people were sweating people some people had taken off Their their their their the top of their clothing What the fuck you talking about the top of their clothing? Straight to the gay bar.

And not just that, but the conditions outside, of course, it's blazing hot. And the fact that- Well, he said they were warm and hot, and now it's blazing hot. It's fucking Florida. What do you want, man? It's hot outside. ... as much water as they'd like to because of that inconvenience, but also it's gross and it's disgusting, and this is where people are being held.

Huh, I don't know. I can't just don't do anything that'll get you there, like what? No one cares. That's the last thing I give a fuck about. Yep. Other people, somewhere else. Don't give a fuck.

The lock says, Johnny said, Sean could win the write-in vote. The write-in is rigged against him because his name has so many misspellings. So many spellings. That's true. That's true. I think I could get 16,000 votes. Easy. I could set up like a series of fake muggings and stop them like local man prevents a mugging Oh, I would just have to do that like 16,000 times. Mm-hmm

Local heroes super killer Yeah, I could make a fake bomb and put it on like a school bus and then show up and defuse it As long as I don't get caught doing the fake part, right? Well have someone dress up as super killer doing all the fake bombing, you know all the like the Noid. Yeah Okay Win-win. There you go Steven Martz says hey dick most of Boston's homeless are located in what's known as Mass and Cass. Hmm.

Uh, the intersection of Massachusetts Avenue and Molina Cass Boulevard. It's at the end of Methadone Mile. Wow, and that just happens to be the same location as the McDonald's Johnny went to. Oh, I was just about to ask. Okay, good to know. Wow, you went to Epicenter. We were in the trenches. Wow. And Boston has a shitload of homeless and you went to epicenter. We were in the trenches Wow And Boston has a shitload of homeless and you went to like the skid row we were we were there man

Peter Griffin had a Rhode Island accent not a Boston accent. Yeah. Yeah Three I keep getting compliments on my Epstein yolo shirt People want to know where I got it and I'm forced to say I made it myself instead of being able to plug one of my favorite podcasts. Well, fucking... Sack up. Send it, send what you use. Parents talking about their children is annoying.

I agree, go fuck yourself. David says, financial feminist super cut, my girlfriend, 14C. 14C? Hmm. That's not a, that's not a bra size. David says financial feminist supercut my girlfriend 14 C 14 C hmm That's not a It's not a bra size 14 She's 14 years old

It was a 14 comma C is she 14 this could be a cigar anything she's 14 Tapping it off wait a minute age 14. Are? Like, I'm gonna tap into the office. Wait a minute. Age 14? Are you a kid? Okay, my girlfriend 14C was really interested in listening to one of your podcasts. It was the OnlyFans with the Pay Pig podcast in the TDS WATP crossover. I mentioned the other episodes

and she said she wants to listen to you talk about the financial feminists. Do you know if there's a supercut? Uh, no. It's spread out. There's a lot. There's a lot. Get to listening, Montferrer. Yeah, you gotta go back, like, I think we started like 10 crossovers ago talking about the financial feminist. David. Good luck, David. Good luck with your 14C girlfriend. I am from Sydney, he says.

Do they have, what are they measuring? They measuring some kind of weird Australian unit? I'm sure. 14? Alright, I don't know. Morgan says woman alert. Okay. Woman alert. Let's see alert. Okay. Woman alert. Let's see what you got here buddy. Do do do do.

Check this shit out. Okay. What you got here? Yeah, sign the fuck in on Facebook. What you got here? Sell my underwear? What? Say what?

I don't hear anything, do you? Nope. Oh, no, no, I forgot to turn it on. Alright. Well, I thought I turned it on. I thought so too. Doesn't have any fuckin' audio. What the fuck?

What the fuck is this? What is all this shit? I wouldn't sell my underwear. God, fucking Facebook. What a piece of shit. What's the amount of money you would sell your underwear for? I wouldn't sell my underwear. At all. Not even for a thousand dollars? Okay, for a thousand dollars I would pay. I would sell it.

What about five hundred dollars? Yeah. What about two hundred and fifty dollars? I think I would still do it because I don't care. Maybe not for ten, but for like also also 100 I would do it and probably 25 bucks No amount of money what about $25 yeah, maybe yeah, you know So she could have a job at USAID yeah Doing emails and making posters with fucking finger paints.

Or you gotta sell underwear. It's totally fucked up the sexual dynamics of the country. All this shit. No money and women with jobs. Mm-hmm. Email jobs. Pete says, woman alert. Alright.

Woman alert. woman alert. All right. Woman alert. Woman alert. Buh buh buh buh. Oh, the new footage of the female police officer who was assaulted and had her nose broken in the Manchester airport is released. All right. All right. Calm down, you guys. And the Manchester Airport is released They got another lady cop coming in give me a fucking break, dude You alright? Sit down, sit down, Chloe. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAH? Ah, so you are a woman first before a cop like hmm Can you take the badge off while you're crying like this at least and covered in blood turn the body cam off for fuck's sake

Why would you record this? It's like how a baby cries turning to cough and throw up because they're crying so much. You're right. It's fine. Deep breath. Deep breath. Cry. Oh my god, please! You're crying.

You're crying. You're crying. She's worried about her face getting messed up. Don't do this. Don't do this. Don't do this. Bro. Get.

Rid. Of. Them. This is what they wanted so bad right was equality and you know My face is fucked up. Yeah Yeah, if that's the only thing gets fucked up while you're a cop you're lucky Dude Imagine imagine, you know needing a cop and shut this shows up

All right. I'm here to sob. You would almost have to punch her in the face preemptively. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Send another one. We would scare the criminal so hard. If you punch the cop out, like, yeah, I called her here, but I'm also gonna punch her.

They should try a new program where women police, instead of showing up and pretending to use their guns They should just show up and start crying and see if the criminals just go like all right. I'm going home Yeah, I don't want to deal with this shit a new type you get to break her nose first. Yeah Okay, okay, I don't want to be around anymore I'm too fat The criminals are like, uh, I I'm out of here wearing everyone down. Yeah, I'm so fat and stupid

You're making me feel so fat and stupid You're invalidating me Aren't they supposed to like tase cops before they... Maybe that's an American thing, but I know they're supposed to like tase you. Are they tase cops? Yeah. To like haze them? Well, no, not as hazing, but so you know what it feels like.

And I think so they can like kind of see how you act and duress, but... This would be a zero on that test. That would be a fail. This would be a zero on that test. Yeah, that would be a fail. Instant firing. Give me a fucking break. Oh. Oh, yeah, that's like. See, I bet that guy wasn't crying like that, though.

No. That guy curb stomping. Yeah. Women. Yeah. Women. Boo. Maybe he says Maddox is doing the worst comedy in the universe on public access. Really?

We got more Maddox content? Amazing. Really? Let's see this. You know, it just hit me too. What if we send all the fat women to alligator alcatraz and then have really huge, well-fed alligators? Yeah.

Uh, Echo Park Public Access? What the hell is this? Oh man. Watching Echo Park Public Access, Channel 39. Brenda, live or whatever? What's up Echo Park? Welcome to another episode of Brenda, Live or Whatever. This is the DJ booth. I'm DJ Lafe and this is the hat. So today on my way here I took an Uber pool because

I need money. Let's bring out Brenda Laberman. Wow Matt has got himself a go. Everybody welcome to Brenda. Welcome to Brenda Live or whatever. I'm your host, Brenda. Is this a guy doing drag? Well, clearly that's Brenda, dude. You can't.

Is this a woman? Or is it a guy doing drag or is it trans? It might be just John Goodman in the wig. I think it's John Goodman. Big fat lady or guy. I don't know. And the labormen hey late How are you doing today? I took an uber pool here, so I'm doing

well Okay, we're here in Echo Park. It's fantastic. It's great. I'm sterling. It's kind of a clean I could have done this in the background see this instead of setting up a green screen. You just set up a red drape Yeah, somehow this fat fuck looks less fat than those two together or put up the green screen and don't put any distracting shit on it Yeah, you know yeah, cuz you don't need it a looping fucking image. That's going and it hits reverse, too That's like the worst They may as well just be saying remember when to each other. I got to look up that.

I got to look at that again. I got to look at what's happening there again. For a little while, I tried to study. Is Max in this or not? Let's see. OK, oh, there he is. Oh, what's he doing? But up, Keep it here.

That's a woman, I think. That's Louis Armstrong. Or, uh, Louis Anderson, yeah. Louis Anderson. I'm Louis Anderson. Jordan, go! Get out of here, go! Go!

Go! I'll send you. Go! Alright, anyways, so welcome back to Brenda Live or whatever. It's a guy doing drag, he just touched his tits to make sure they're still there. Our next guest you may know from his popular cooking show.

It's Dom Dalloway's. Called Trucking Food Gods. So please welcome our next guest, Chef Morty. That's Maddox. Hello. Hi, Chef Morty. Hi. I'm so glad you could come on my show. Hello.

Oh yeah. It's quite an honor for you. Yeah. Oh, you're laughing. It is. All right, should we watch this? He hit her with a, oh yeah. Or watch it, let's watch it on the bonus episode.

There's like, I don't know, there's like 10 minutes of this. Amazing. All right. But, let me go back to... Vitos. Vitos shit. Man, all I said yesterday was that the problem exists between the keyboard and the chair, and I got nine hours worth of replies out of it.

I don't know why he's so defensive about his audio. It sucks. He doesn't know what he's doing. What's there to be defensive about? If you told me I don't know how to paint, I'm like, yeah, I don't know how to paint. Yeah, well, the thing that gets me is, again, Vito, you could just reach out to me from your personal account,

man, you don't have to hit me from the official show, like you're my boss or something, like, ah, coming down on me. Well, he went on the show account because I blocked him on everything else because I'm sick of hearing about. He had another, let's not, we're not going to talk about this guy because he said he'd come to my house and mess up my toys.

And like, you've been arguing with these guys every day for a year in the group chat. And you're talking to them constantly about how, like every day you go in there and fuck with them and Say that you're talented and that you make all this stuff and that you're better than them I mean bro look all I care about is that people make things everything else is just so small you see you guys Don't make it your thinking is small and you're stupid. You're just asking for it every fucking day every day for a year Well, and then when you get a fan who sends in thousands of dollars

to have you make content, to lose your mind about it. I just think, why is it that everyone says peacock and nobody bats an eye, but you say poop cock and everybody loses their mind, Dick, why is that? All right, here's the background. Yeah, well that's why they invented Gorilla invented gorilla garage is because of one time they put it Was that actually a why does this hat fold it up like he's a fucking?

Background like that. Oh shit. I forgot to put it up There was another guy I knew made animated backgrounds like Yeah, the very in the golden age you could see it because of the too. In the golden age, you can see because of the popularity of King Kong So from an audio perspective somehow someone put ducking on but to maximum strength

so every time Dirk talks, Vito gets muted. Notice he fights King Kong and everyone would want to see that. Oh my god, you're right! Like skip back like 10 seconds even. The audio is totally fucked! Oh my god, you're right. Like, skip back like 10 seconds even. Yeah, right there. The audio is totally fucked! Every fucking week, your audio is fucked.

And then, maybe this is too inside baseball, but when Vito posted his audio settings, there's a- okay. You need a compressor and a limiter. This is a real quick crash course that I know now I had to learn it when Sean left and we were working through our ears. You have a compressor and a limiter. The compressor, all audio, works with a compressor and a limiter. You compress it, which is taking the audio signal, and gently, gently, you set it up so when it hits a certain volume, you gently start lowering it. So you gently lower so when I'm shouting like this, it sees how far I'm going and it gently pushes it down, like kind of a like kind of a like

it's normal audio and then it hits a decibel loudness and it starts it starts tapering it off so it's lower then you boost all of it together. So it sounds you can still tell that there's loudness range happening. But it's not like the whispering isn't the way the way whispering like this the whispering isn't actually a whisper like in real life It's like a movie whisper that you're hearing because the compression and then the boosting and then you hit it with a limiter Which just caps cuts everything off cut it right off So nothing clips the first one this first version that he had was a limiter, a hard ass limiter, like... At 10 to fucking 1. At 10 totally chopped off the top and then boosted it by 8 decibels so it was like,

it was limiting everything and then boosting everything above the clipping range. So it was guaranteed to clip. And his threshold was so high it wasn't even taking effect until he got loud. Exactly, exactly. So it's like, it's just having like a clip machine set up. Then the second, so he posts in there, here's my audio settings, and I said, those are fucked. And your man Martian comes in and says,

okay, those are odd settings. And like, and God bless him, but this is a mistake people often make. They come in and they assume what's happening is at least part right. So he said, okay that looks like a limiter. Let me tell you how to fix your limiter. And I came in and said no you're making a mistake that I see a lot which is people assuming things are partially right. This is totally fucked. There's no compressor and there's no limiter. He's posting just the only thing he has and he goes oh then it's fucked. This is what you should do Compressor let me post a similar setting similar to exactly we have I said perfect. Those are great, right?

So I posted the middle one on Twitter saying we found the audio problem like this is good news Yeah, we found the we found the audio problem I right lied with three skulls because I was sitting there I was so you saw the settings were totally fucked up man. I applied with three skulls because I was sitting there... I was... Because you saw the settings were totally fucked up! Man, I saw that and you could have held my phone a mile away. I'd still laugh at those settings. I said, I looked at the settings and I said that's exactly what it sounds like. Because I can try to help, but I don't know. I'm not, I know like, I know what I have and why it works, but I'm not an expert. I don't know how to set it up I don't know how to fix problems. I don't know none of this shit The thing is is well after you and I spent time like texting and calling trying to figure everything out

You can do quite a bit except for fix veto That was the cold crux of my problem was like the problem is veto So then he got all I posted then he got all upset Yeah He's like well Oh, so it's I think it's really funny that I'm doing what your guy said and you're making fun of it I'm like well. I mean first of all bro

I'm the first of all not making fun of this I'm posting this to show that we fixed that we fixed it because there's a lot of audio engineers and people are generally curious Yeah, look this was the problem. Just for your information. And it's kind of like to promote the people who stop listening because the audio sounds like dog shit might see this and go, oh great. Secondly, this is just a slight tweak on how you originally fucked it up in the first place. Like this is you this is first of all or second of all this is you

badly explaining your issue and Acting like you're too good to fix your fucking all this is this this is even more your fault than you're saying This is not your man Martian's fault for telling you how to fix a limiter This is your fault for not saying I'm gonna. I'm here to do whatever you want me to do right to fix my audio I'll be available whenever you need me Cuz you're the you're the expert to your man Martian and it's your time's valuable or your man Martian Just got his fucking he's trying to be helpful and do all these nice things for Vito and Vito just fucking I don't know Why you're getting defensive about this you have nothing to defend like this is like then to wit

This is what the audio sounds like okay? That's what we want, but... Uh, I think this movie was... Here, we're having fun. This movie, let's be clear, cinematic universe. It's totally full motion video with all like, 20 FPS. I think the foundation's pretty well set up already in Suicide Squad, but... It's... Crystal... This is not...

Dug the foundation a little deeper. Okay, he had... Dirk's audio. That's too much room noise. It's passable though You should put up some you should put up some filters. You know just throw a moving mic It's off the camp yeah, put it off the wall puts put a couch move a rug over there do something whatever talk Find the if you're talking into a parallel I'll turn a little bit Yeah, with those chairs I was mentioning earlier, but the and he's got a lapel mic, so it's obviously gonna be good, right? Then we got

The beginnings of this thing is you're right the ducker is Talks he gets muted fun. Yeah, it's goofy One guy sounds like he's right up your ass, and the other one sounds like he's in the room somewhere fucking creeping on you. Yeah. Well, cause he is. Ha ha ha. Fix your god- fix your fucking- Vito, there's so many people who help you fix this shit.

Just stop arguing with people and talk to them constructively to fix your fucking audio He has everyone in the world from comic experts to art experts to visual experts to audio experts Fucking merch experts to every kind of expert and he's like, yeah. Well, actually I have to do it my way I got to get it out. I got to do it now. Oh fix it. Maybe stop doing it. I Got four fucking lapel mics. This is these, these are all these 4K cameras you spend all this time setting up. So why does the 4K camera do this? Why does my fucking phone look better than that?

Do both of them do this? Man, that slow down on the zoom in is insane what's happening it's like vetoes constantly getting his mind blown by Superman yeah he's just The lady and the nannies, you can pull him out. He's not gonna eat you. God damn it. This... Uh... This is bad. This is bad. Alright.

Why is Maddox making better edited videos than this? Like, come on. Like his videos are better. What is it with these guys and fucked up audio? Like, Maddox made three shows where it was only the left channel. So only your left headphone would work. I'm telling you, everyone goes, well, it's just like, all you're doing is hearing it.

How hard could it be? Very. Yeah, but it's like, well, I watched a video on YouTube, so now my shit's right. I don't even think they do that. Yeah, they're just like, because Vito was like, oh, I watched, like, I've read some things and looked some stuff up and it's like well clearly you didn't because it's It's worse than if you watched a bad YouTube tutorial. It looks like you did it yourself not knowing shit

And when those doors open, you know what I saw my it and I could hear everybody. And when those doors opened, you know, what I saw made my heart sink. I saw 32 people per cage. Is this on? Yeah. Oh shit, sorry. I'll kill that. But yeah, that's... Because you'll hear Dirk talk and then Vito just goes mute.

You just hear the clamp down over his voice and it's like, dude... It's hard work doing a podcast. Isn't it? Man, people just go, oh, all you do is set up a microphone. How hard could it be? No, no, no, no, no. You need to do a little bit more. Okay.

That guy wanted to be the co-host of this show Nowhere nothing master himself wanted to be the co-host of this I'm just I'm just I'm just a little bit annoyed because I got to see that shit every day about I'm a big shot I'm a professional. You've seen it too Finally had to leave that room even though I like all the people in it. I'm like, I can't read Vito saying that he's the best. Like, cause I saw Maddox do the same shit. It starts out as a joke. But eventually, it's in a law- it's in a lawsuit.

That I'm the greatest fucking comedy mind. It becomes- it starts as a joke, it becomes a cope, and then it becomes everything. Uh huh. You know? You can't joke about shit. You can't joke about shit You can't if you bullshit too much you will become the bullshit. It's just Staring into the abyss. Yes, exactly. You can't be doing this You can't be having and if you do you better knock it out of the fucking park it's gotta be Man it's gotta be... The audience gotta be real cool.

Oh man, it's gotta be infallible. Beyond reproach. You gotta be beyond any sort of teasing... Well, so we have this cornballs one, and just wait till we get the jerk off too. Totally not a copy of Vinnie Paulino's The Creep Off at all. The Jerk Off? The Jerk Off. Maddox and I pitched The Jerk Show a long time ago as our show.

We sold the show and we didn't have a title for it because Maddox didn't want... Maddox wouldn't let them use the best show in the universe because he said, well, I'm going to put up a YouTube... I'm going to start a YouTube show soon so I don't want you guys using that. And me and the producer at the Deadliest Catch, the guys who made the Deadliest Catch, we sold the show with them. Me and those guys are like,

well, wouldn't that help your YouTube show if the TV show was named that? And he's like, well, you know, legally, I don't know what. It's like, dude, you're like, you're fucking retarded. Just do it. Yeah, show on Spike in 2009 or whenever it was. Perfect time. That would have been a fucking amazing... The height of Spike too. But these people, like they throw on, they do all this self-sabotaging shit and then it just

like, it gets exhausting for everybody until they're finally like, you know, I don't even care. Yeah. Call it whatever you want call it the fucking f slurs show. I don't So we went through like a couple names like the jerk show the jerk show would have been pretty funny That is funny, but then matters like well, you know, it's not actually the jerk show Like that would be a slightly different show. All right, man. I have a real job. I'm gonna go back to do it frankly, my real job with clients is Leaves less of a pain in the ass than this. So I'm just going to go do that.

I don't give a shit anymore. This is fucking retarded. The F store. The F show. Ah. But yeah, man, there's something about the like, that like, well, everything I need to do, I can just go learn. Yeah.

And it's like, yeah, but masters- Today. Yeah, and masters don't really exist like that anymore, at least not that are easily approachable. Like it's all like- I just keep listening to that audio. Oh man, audio's fucking- Because I've been fucking dealing with it for two months,

so now I'm like, aha, now you see everyone, now it's on you. Us telling you, you suck, it's because we're trying to help you. Again, which is why I'm surprised he never reached out to me even once, because it's like, you would think for, you know, if we're on the same sort of network, right? Yeah.

Some sort of consistency would be like a good thing for like branding and everything else, but you know. Just a guy who pushes a fucking fader around all day. Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck am I? DreadPirate Nico. I'm gonna try to order a beer for us here, Jonny.

Oh, cool. I will drink a beer for us. Let's see if I can get that done. DreadPirate Nicko says, Hey Dick, welcome to fatherhood. I'll give you my recommendations. I have a six-year-old son. The first two to three years, just have fun with your son. Make him laugh.

Take silly photos. What is this, another gay guy's writing in? What the hell? What the hell? Why do all of our advice always comes a gay guy? Another gay guys writing in? What the hell? What the hell? Why do all of our advice always comes from gay guys? Sleep will be a luxury. Naps will be frequent. I'm kind of interested in how the sleeping and nap situation goes. I've never gotten any good sleep in my fucking life So I'll be fine. Yeah, I really

You've been preparing for this Yeah This is also the time to bang out another kid or two do it don't wait don't second-guess it no Well this guy's gay and retarded? That's crazy. That is insane. Around two or three they will become escape artists. All that baby proofing becomes useless for the most part except for other babies. Hence, don't wait and bang them out now, not later. Otherwise throw all that baby- throw out all that baby proofing crap. What's that? Like light socket stuff? Hmm. I already have that stuff in because of my wife the three year old will want to help they'll be terrible at it

don't be plugging shit in and using the electricity thank you how you doing good thank you um give it up for 80s girl everybody it takes a lot of courage to deliver beers to two guys who... Don't need them. Don't need them. The three year old will want to help. They'll be terrible at it. But keep encouraging it.

And they'll be able to do it one day. This is also the time to start teaching them to ride a bike, ice skate... Gay. Gay. Catch a ball, tee ball, etc. Don't expect much success What am I like? I don't know what a fucking toddler is don't expect much success They're to their 18 inches tall. Yeah, you've retarded they'd Quite literally. Yeah, he's a toilet. What are you talking about expect success?

But after a year of consistent practice multiple multiple times a week for one activity, they will learn. Whatever happened to just giving the belt? Give him a crack. That's the best way to learn. I'm going to teach him how to use a whip. That's what I'm saying. The establishment of the belt. My kid learned to ride a bike and swim by age five.

I'm going to teach him not to swim. I'm not going to teach him to swim. I'm going to go back like 1800 style where it was really questionable if you knew how to swim or not. Teach him how to drown people. How to just actively jump on people in the pool and start just drowning.

Right on their head. Always run around the pool. When you jump. Cart people in the pool. Yeah, and start just driving right on their head. Yeah, always run around the pool When you jump around the pool. Yeah, close your eyes or jump right on someone's head Now at six he can ice skate And is learning hockey Where'd he learn to ice skate? Do kids need sports all that much? My sister's kid goes to like, he has like a baseball tournament and a soccer tournament the same weekend. I'm like, why?

What is the point of this? That's too much. Yeah. He likes that? I don't like that shit. Doubtful. I didn't like that shit when I was a kid. I don't want to do sports.

I guess if he wants to do sports, that's fine, but... Sign your kid up for soldering camp. Something useful, you know? Yeah, soldering camp. Iron working camp. Yeah. Audio engineering class. No, not that. I said something useful.

Keep your kids away from that. Man, that's a lot. If your kid ends up in audio engineering school, you fucked up. Three is also the age they will start to want more of your attention. Dedicate time with each of your kids individually. You mean my wife?

What do you mean each of my kids individually? Do fun things, encourage new things. This is your opportunity to train them with routines. Do fun things, encourage new things. This is your opportunity to train them with routines. You have to have an hour Zoom call with Maddie. I have to teach my son how to do Zoom calls and emails. Here's an email. Now write something very mean and then delete it.

Yeah. And then write something, the opposite of that. Here's how to call her that without calling her fat. Yeah Don't ever put the n-word in your emails Even to friends even in if you highlight it and put it in white color font So you can't only on signal? Yeah, can you put the n-word? This is your opportunity to train them with routines what's expected of them and figuring out what they expect? Well, are your kids like good? Like did they turn out good or is this like cuz

You had a six-year-old so maybe this advice is all shitty. It's shitty advice, you know? We gotta wait to see if this is good advice. Waste your kids formative years making them do shit They're not gonna like anyway. Yeah, that sounds like putting them in school, man What do you like the school enforcer? What do you school mr. School? Mr. School mr. Fucking principals office fucking Imparting all your wise things to your children Yeah, which is to say don't spend time with them and put them in sports instead have some other fuck up dad train your kid how to fucking be shitty at sports.

I don't think so. Getting lectures from some fucking dickhead. Oh man from some dad who has to live through their kid now living through your kid too. That's what you want to expose your children to. And a lot of those coaches are child molesters. That's why. The Epstein list, we could have got them all. Epstein had a list of every pedophile on earth. That's why people are so Excited about it because he spent his life and he used math Mathematically to find out every pedophile. He generated the names using a pedophile equation Well, and he just figured out like well who else wants to wake up early on a Saturday and watch all these kids go play soccer?

Pedophile. Yeah, no one fucking else, man Yeah, no one fucking else man The whole thing is rotten from the inside out limit your kids time in front of a video game or a tablet why I That's where I make all my money. Wow Fucking video game immediately day one. I'll I'll be the first one here teaching that motherfucker how to play Pokemon I'm gonna put the quest on him when he's born so that he doesn't even know real reality until he's like seven years old Yeah You know Be like be like a little bit his VR Zuckerberg body

No be like the the king of the cosmos from Katamari you guys fucking tube And always big he's always got to look way up. Yeah me make him feel like the little Look way up to see me. Make him feel like the little prince. And be like, what's up, dickhead? You want to see how high I can jump? I'll knock the stars out of the fucking sky. I can jump so fucking high. I'm going to fly around in VR.

I'm going to be controlling it on my computer. Like, oh, yeah, go, go, go, go, go. Yeah. Ah, see, that's cool. Yeah, that's cool. That is cool. Again, this is my advice, but you might have better ideas. I do.

I have much better ideas than you. You're talking but you might have better ideas. I do yeah, I have a much better ideas You're talking to the guy with great ideas, but really have fun with your kid is the most important what you got to do is Pretend to be you have to keep the piano right now. I'm getting rid of that. Oh keep it. Ah here's why yeah Keep it and just be like man If only I could finish writing this song mate, you know show your kid why you should hate someone who can't get anything done. And he'd be like, why dad's a fuck up piece of shit, he sucks at music, blah, blah, blah. You never got anything done. I'm gonna be a great businessman instead to show his ass.

So you have to reverse psychology him into becoming the CEO. I'm gonna say, bye honey, I'm gonna go to my job doing audio engineering, and then when I leave, she's gonna say, bye honey I'm gonna go to my job doing audio engineering and then when I leave she's gonna say that fucking worthless bum. Yeah. He's always audio engineering and he fucking sucks. Yes he sucks at it. His pain is sucks. What a shitty dad and then he's gonna go oh I see. I will never. Audio engineering's bad. Well you don't want to the thing is. Don't overdo it. Well as much as bad as audio engineering is, you don't want to dissuade him from engineering as a concept. Right.

If only, then she'll say, if only he was a real engineer. You have to say, oh that's a good one. I love that one. But I was gonna say like, you gotta be like, yeah he's some shitty musician who can't, I mean just come home and like bang around piano keys and be like, oh man if only I was a Joe Jackson, you know? And he's like, fuck all this shit, I'm gonna be a successful businessman. I'm gonna do successful business Yeah, and then no jokes for me once he hits his first mill then you can go son

I'm proud of you. You finally followed in my footsteps boys from Brazil to you man. Yeah, Hitler like the Hitler clones Yeah, you're like actually and I'm good at piano too idiot Hmm get him in piano lessons after he's made a bunch of money. Okay not the other way around. Right well because it's like all my MMO players out there will know is you don't start off with the hardest character first you have to start off with an easy character so you can fund everything else. Oh yeah. You can fund your hard work. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want dysentery, man. You don't want audio dysentery invading

the rest of your life. Yeah, that's true. You want that banker money to start. You want that banker money. You don't want no farmer money. Man. Three grand, I can't get to fucking work in on three grand. Shoot, and squirrels, fuck that.

We're out here mowing down bison and keeping all the meat. Fuck that. Fuck that. I can't believe I learned the wrong lesson from RDR 2 this whole time. I can't, well, it's unlike you to not follow something through, so of course- The mission is marry your fucking wife, dude. Take your wife to the movies and propose, uh uh, I'm out. You mean this whole game of doing cool shit, then it's like, actually, you gotta marry your wife. Done. I quit and who am I gay like yeah

I went and started playing the online one cuz I was like I fuck this I'm gonna go play online and I was not oh I was getting killed too much in online so I said fuck this game I quit all the rush never went back being wild west cowboys It's a little too much too much cow too much wild west cowboys. I don't play rust anymore, man There should be like more acting like a cowboy, you know, sitting in the bar and stuff. How are doing partner? Yeah.

Don't you fucking Russian guys like are paying a little too hard? Okay, thanks for the email. PS, they really do grow out of stuff. Cradle cap? I figured they would grow out of cradle cap. I don't know any adults with well, I guess Vito has seen He has cradle cap from laying in his bed all day milk allergy, etc Just get them to three years old to start molding them actually

Molding from table. I think the molding happens probably in month one if I'm gonna be honest Yes I don't think you can do a lot of changing other than the whole like just try to stay out look from day one. I think the molding happens probably in month one if I'm gonna be honest. Yes I don't think you can do a lot of changing other than the whole like just try to stay out look You're already a criminal. Well, bro That's why like C-section babies are always weird too because you don't have like a natural attachment with your mother, right? So it's like this whole... What are you talking about? What do you mean? Dude, I had no concept of this

Okay, until I was on a session one day and everyone was talking about this and I'm like, what the fuck is this all about? But apparently, C-section babies come out as total psychopaths because it's not a natural way of being born. What? So somehow because you lose that fucking connection with your mother. I don't fully know. I read enough about it to know that somehow, some way, this causes insane amounts

of some sort of fucked up shit in life. But for it to be an unnatural process to not complete the complete birthing ritual, so to speak, right? Fuck something up in your brain. So, again- It's gonna be a C-section, baby. Oh, dude Anyone else's baby to be a psychopath no big deal, but for your baby to be a psychopath you got too much fucking

No, it's good. I know how to deal with it. Oh, I've been dealing with my whole fucking life Well, then I'm the best person to deal with it. Actually. Yeah, so that may that might be the best call actually I got it Fucking clocked. I got it fixed. I think that's gonna be more detrimental than the vaccines would be We found a doctor that will take babies without vaccines that's great like a real fucking under the table deal dude I'll take I'll see babies with no vaccines. I don't care my friends baby has had no vaccines That baby's three and acts like she's ten. She's a smart fucking kid vaccines. Just like Kind of kid that you're like wait, that's a baby. I just gonna space them out mmm

Yeah It's like going on a bender, right? You can't do it all at once. You gotta spread it out Can't get all those vaccines at once. Are you fucking high? Yeah, well you would be if you got all those vaccines at once. Yeah, I don't but fucking that man. It's too much vax, man I Don't understand how those fuckers are in there. He's in there right now not breathing. I still don't I don't get that part I don't like it. I don't like that babies are in there kicking and thinking shit and just not breathing I don't like that either like so they come out and just decide to start breathing

How are you supposed to take a huge hit if you're not breathing? You know what I realized as a kid great it really that's pisses me off You know what to be to be truthful with you. You know what pisses me off is As a kid right you grow up you get asthma maybe yeah, I had to have an inhaler when I was a kid Uh-huh, but they tell you turns out it was just my neighbor's cock Yeah Like okay take it now you have to hold this hit until there's no smoke when you exhale I'm like so you're teaching me as a kid to ghost hits? Like no wonder

I fucking smoked so much weed now. Yeah Hold it in so it works. I've done this before. Yeah smoking bowls smoking joints. I'm like man Fucking hang on here. I'm healing myself right now So watch out for that scam too. Asthma? Yeah, if they're like, oh your kid needs albuterol, I'll be like, absolutely not. No way. Take it anyway, just because it's fun, but...

Okay, thank you for the email. Nick, oh wait, there's more? Be a better person today by being better than you were yesterday. What? That's the same thing. It's like for 20 year olds, man. I'm done. He said that's the most thing like for 20 year olds man. He's done said that's the most redundant fucking say better

Better what be what if I'm being better being a bad guy? Yeah? Don't be better like what do you mean better? I'm a worse person because that makes me better If you don't know what you want you end up with a lot you don't Chuck Palahniak Fight Club is this an e is this the email signature that you have don't be sending this shit out an email signature stuff Did he fuck up Chuck Paul in X name? That bad this guy sucks. It's no spelled right. I don't know how to say it. Okay. Well. I don't fall I fall this guy for writing that's that's that part of the show. Let's do Vinny sent me like nine fatwatches and I'm thinking, man, let's just do a weekly show.

I fucking... Vinny invited me on Creep Off, man, and I'm like, we should just have a fatoff show. Haha, the creepiest fat... A Weight Watchers show. Dude! If we did Weight Watchers with me, you and Vinny, that would be fun. Is that trademark available? I think it might be, dude. Because it went out of business. It went out of business.

We could even do whale watchers. Whale watching. Right? Little boat theme, kind of just a little foghorn intro. Like, come on, dude. We all wear fucking sailors hats like Thurston Howell. Have fucking Steely Dan music in the background. Yes dude. And we're all drinking like Mai Tais or some fucking Tiki drinks dude.

Fucking wait, whale watchers would be a hit man. Yeah, we all wear fucking navy outfits. We could even go whale watching in San Diego or Boston wherever and then have it strip in. Bro, the three of us dressed up like we're in like Thirst and Howl and we have a cardboard boat that we're carrying around and using binoculars to look at fat women. I'm fucking down dude. That sounds too... I'm telling you. Are you gonna see MerLogic? Are you really gonna do that? Here's the thing man. Okay, I didn't want to spoil it. Oh yeah, don't spoil it, but yeah.

I'll tell you this much. There is plans underway for me, myself, Dirty Dalish, SkitsOShawn. We're all gonna go go-karting, have a Wonder Bread sandwich eating contest. Oh! We might even rent a Hummer 2 to drive around. Oh, he loves Hummers dude who knows what the fuck is gonna happen all I'm saying is if you want to pitch in extra to this show to make this trip more of a reality yeah yeah yeah we gotta do underway you got to do this it's happening it's already happening I'm

working out things in my schedule to make this happening we're gonna go go carding with Merlogic we're gonna play happening. We're gonna go go-karting with Murlogic. We're gonna play initial D We're gonna go he's gonna take us through all the stories he's ever told. I do too. All the stories he's ever told I'm gonna make sure we get to go see a man on the street like Nardoir I gotta know how he lives like he's he can't do normal shit. You can talk but he can't do normal stuff We're doing a Hewl Hauser level like yes. I'm I'm here We're here with my logic's go We're gonna do it all man, so yeah, this is your bed, huh? Yeah, oh

Amazing so because he doesn't want to be on camera It's all just gonna be you will see him exactly off camera in every shot. I understand that. Yeah. But it's going to be great because we will get to live a day in the life. He wants to take a day in the life of MerLogic. Chinese food with MerLogic.

Dude, it's going to be- Because he doesn't do that stuff normally. No. Like he can't get out. Remember every year we buy him like toiletries and stuff because he has a hard time figuring that stuff out. Well and that's why we are going to take an investigative journalism look. Yeah. And really embrace not just not witness. We are going to embrace and live a day in the life of Murlogic. He's going to show us where this

asshole's been dumping trillions of shitty common and uncommon Pokemon cards off the side of a bridge. He has? He's going to show us. He's he's dumps Pokemon cards off the side of a bridge He has he's gonna show us he's he dumps Pokemon cards in the river No, he doesn't but he says there's a certain guy that just always he says it's raining down Pokemon cards all the time I'm like man to know what that is. I have to know about all of this and then so in the most genuine way possible We are going to go examine. Well most genuine way possible we are going to go examine well yeah examine right we're going to go experience and embrace and enjoy and really just this is wonderful content you're talking about doing some mer-maxing man we're mer-maxing we are we are all gonna be I was thinking of

renting fat suits for the three of us So we could all you know, you really live like murder We have the same go-karting experience to inch weights. He told me that he has to bring his own extension belt to go carts You know fast as his go-kart go well not my it can't was just it's a weed whacker motor on yeah Yeah, so I can't imagine it goes very far with him in it even So he says he claims to be undefeated at go-karts, which I'm like how much horsepower does this fucking thing have Orleans? He know the fast one out of all of them is he tuning it up before he gets in I don't know But we're gonna find the answers to all of these questions coming up soon. So hoping to get that done during summer. If not it could

be a fall or winter thing but it is underway. Plans are happening. Wheels are in motion. Wheels are in motion. All four of them go-kart wheels, flat as they may be by the end of this excursion. He says you need to come out too and I, no, he's a family man now. I'm running for office. I can't have Merlogic's nonsense. That one will be too much of a scandal. My candidacy. A little too much whiteness in there.

But that said, it's going to be great, man. It's going to be great. OK. Oh, and also I learned from Merlogic too and this goes to everyone else out there if you toast white bread or use crunchy peanut butter you are not entering the kingdom of heaven if you toast it if you toast it or use crunchy peanut butter so I figured I would spread the word again these are all preliminary things I'm learning oh no I get it yeah this is gold this is gold.

This is gold. This was sent to- A little California's gold, you see. Haha, this was sent to us by Chomas. Haha. Oh. Says, I tried to- trying to- trying to enjoy my night in Charlotte. In Charlotte's web.

There's a fat black woman, and then a really gigantically obese fat woman next to her, who's wearing little tiny fucking heels For those of you listening to the audio version it looks like a fat lady smuggling two of the California raisins under her sundress Jesus Christ her ass is so black Her ass is so much blacker than the rest of her what the fuck because what it is it's like that skin wear right? It's that chafing from just like being so like your skin so stretched out, and you're so fat Oh, yeah that like you see it on really fat people like on their faces and their cheeks Oh, yeah, like dog you need to chill the fuck out like your skin is damaging itself because over stretching yeah

Look at this look at this ass I'm gonna wake up in hell one day, and it's just gonna be this right in my fucking face I like this trying to tattoo it, but it got too dark She chafed out her tattoo. It's like trying to tattoo through Stephen King's the fucking fog or something This was the water world map God they tattooed on her ass or something. This was the water world map. God. They tattooed on her ass. Like lady. How do you get an asshole tattoo? Look at this, she's got a tattoo that features her asshole at some point. Right. It's the her ass, it's a this is a one one replica tattoo of Tatooine or wherever the sarlacc is. What planet is the sarlacc on?

And their asshole is the fucking sarlacc. The thing that disgusts me too is, okay, even if, we all know seeing a fat disgusting cottage cheese ass is awful in person. Yeah. But even as the person whose ass this belongs to, wouldn't you not want to touch your bare ass to all this dirty-

On everything? On everything. Yeah, touch your bare ass to all this dirty- On everything? On everything! Yeah, this is bare ass! There's bare ass touching fucking everything. This is why, okay, this is to all you sick fucks out there who go about your whole goddamn day and then you go home and lay on your bed in your fucking street clothes or your work clothes because there's people out there bare-ass touching shit And you have said yeah that chair that bench whatever the fuck it is

And you have invited that into your own home. You're fucked for that. Did you just crack it pack? I just cracked a pack of Coors. Yeah, Oh Coors Export I got a I got an ashtray. Oh Exports! Export, I got a, I got an ashtray. Oh! A porcelain ashtray. Okay and for those of you out there who really want to send in cool stuff, send me vintage ashtrays.

Oh really? Or send me links to them. I'm looking for a McDonald's ashtray. Dick! I fucking love, those were so cool. And you know what else they did too? What? The coffee stirrers, those little spoons.

The Coke spoons? Oh well well no they're the coffee stir Yeah, I can't believe they stopped making them like that. I can't believe they did too So I honestly can't though like who gives a fuck of people using them for coke No, they're coffee stirring spoons dick you clearly have a misguided approach to all of this Why are these cards sticking together because they're're old and melting. Pure Coors pure malted milk. Whoa. I don't know what these guys are doing. Does this show up in here? Yeah if you see any cool ashtrays like this please send them in because I will smoke out of them. I'll give you an ashtray review even. Coors produced beer in the 40s and 50s. Coors produced beer and malted milk. What's malted milk? Is it alcoholic? No, it's, I think it's to preserve it a little bit better.

Huh. It's like a different kind, like pasteurization, but not like something else. I don't fully know. I've known people who say pasteurization sucks. Like they won't drink milk that's been pasteurized. Have you had raw milk before? No.

It's pretty good. It's pretty good. Well, okay. I will say like If you're cooking or if you're doing anything where you need the taste of milk in it raw milk is great But the problem is it doesn't last very long does it no And the thing with drinking milk is you're a fucking sicko if you do. Yeah, so it's like You know if you're going to at least go raw, deal with the consequences, fuck it. Quit being such a pussy. You're already doing something disgusting. Go full bore with it.

These cards are very informative. That's why I was so disappointed that like a fucking beer company, like I want to see titties and ass and fucking... This ashtray is cool. I don't want to see pictures of the factory and people working in it. What the fuck is that? Alright, let's see factory and people working in it. What the fuck is that? All right, let's see what else people sent in Vinny thank you for all the fat. He didn't send that in I'll go to Vinny's okay Oh, I'm just preemptively thanking him because I see his list here. Yeah, like oh man big list Okay, this is oh Shit Oh Shit

Okay, they have did a direct hit so this is a baby reveal what's happening here mm-hmm a gender reveal and They throw this They kick the thing Soccer ball they kick this and the soccer ball lands on a fat woman in the crowd. Who turns blue. Okay. Man, that ass is so unfortunate. You know what's almost worse though?

Is fat bitches with duck butt. Oh yeah. Or just any bitch with duck butt really. But when it's like how are you this fat and you don't have an ass like that Is the way? Okay, this is a guy is trying to pick up a woman Literally at the bookstore. Oh Jesus

Okay, so he comes in Not this fucking song too Jesus so a guy in a cowboy hat comes in and he's trying to pick this woman up. She's big She's not one of the fatter women we've seen on this program. No. Yeah, he he should have brought in his lasso Yeah, he got the cowboy hat. They should have brought in Temple Grandin for this Well, he was going to ask what she wanted on her tombstone, but was gonna say pepperoni and sausage And he gets okay. He's got her over the shoulder. Now, I know, I've seen a lot of these things. He's got her too far back already.

Yes. He's lifting with, the problem is he's lifting with his back. And when you're picking up fat women, you want to lift with your forklift. Yes. you know Well the way he's lifting too is When you're in like a fight or something and you need to throw someone over you Yeah, you're looking to fuck someone up now or if you're carrying a 30 foot piece of lumber Yes, you get really far up on it. Yeah This is bad because this is putting her entire weight

on his back, so it's not going to go well for him. And, yep, sure enough, the back goes, and Fatsow falls down, knocks his hat off. There you go. Man. Just don't try. Don't try picking up that one. If you know your wife is above a certain size,

like if she could wear your shoes, but for instance, don't be doing that. It's a story of not doing too much, right? Don't be doing too much. Oh, wow, okay, here's a fat woman on a little kid's swing set. She's swinging. I don't know why fat women want to swing on swing sets well because

Okay, it's like the fat women thing of wearing the oversized glasses or the giant earrings, right? They want to be perceived as small and childish and like huh She's swinging on a giant swing set then right where it's like a steel Fucking radial belts inside of the swing something made by the Navy Yeah, now for like ballistics the Army Corps Something made by the Navy. Yes. You know, for like ballistics reasons. The Army Corps of Engineering for holding fucking- Yeah, not on little children's swing sets. For transporting whales.

Okay, let's see. Oh god damn it. Oh, this poor girl. Oh my god! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, seat in half look yeah and there's usually look at that look at that look at that she broke the rubber seat the rubber seat that holds that the kids sit on she busted it in half well some of them have a little thin strip of metal in them to stop this which is well to counteract some of it just women have been getting so fat I gotta see this again my god. She's really pumping it to yeah, and the pudding is pumping through her veins Okay, where does it snap the next one?

God look at her. She's like oh, yeah, this is awesome right in her face as she's ready to she goes I'll show this bitch the moon There she goes and she like she takes a I'll show this bitch the moon. Oh God! There she goes. And she like, she takes a giant like trench out of the ground as she's going. Well, you gotta imagine all the wood chips up her pant legs now.

At least two scoops like the raisin brand box she ate that morning. All right. Jesus. You know, I went on a swing the other day at a playground. And that shit gets scary man. As a kid it's no big deal. You backflips off of it, fucking go until it starts dropping on you and shit.

But as an adult I'm like, man I can really fuck myself up on this thing. This is called Obese Central. The hilarious journey of obesity. A love story between my body and my snacks. Obesity, my dear friends, is not a condition. It's an experience. Is this a joke? It's a lifestyle choice, but also a series of bad decisions,

good intentions, and endless snacks. It's that friend who, okay, well, let's just watch the video. Oh. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Okay, so this fat lady trips and for some reason this other fat- her shoes comes off. Okay, good, good, good. For some reason this other fat lady comes running in, jumping in from the other side

of the frame and herself dives down the stairs Well you know what it is, Dick, is um once one of them takes damage they all go into berserk and they- they all go in They do When one fat woman falls it's contagious For some reason they all fucking ditch

They sense damage being taken and must must uh get their recourse, you know? It's remarkable. It is. Do they do that all over the planet? Like, are there other fat women randomly falling over when one does? Well, I think they were lied to, right?

Because they said, weebles wobble would never fall. Right. But here we are with ankle and meniscus problems like you couldn't believe. Why are they- why do they do that? When one fat woman falls, there's always another one that will dive on the fall as well. Well, it's the instinct to be a woman, right? They wanna help.

Uh-huh. Oh, here, I'll help you back up. I'll help you by falling. Knowing full well, it's like there's not a cheeseburger in her back pocket. Right. She's not. It's true. This bitch can barely lift herself up. She's not lifting another fat fuck up

It's the sympathy fall right? Yeah that I think it's that mm-hmm Okay, this is a This is a fat guy on a jet ski hmm. It's on the beach There's absolutely no chance that that will get to the water It's on like it's on the it's on the wet sand, but this poor Foreigner wherever they're at is trying to is about to shove his jet ski a 900 pound jet ski into the water It's not gonna work Jiggling it back and forth is not gonna do it

damn He's trying to lift. up from the ground. Oh my god. If he falls off that thing in the water, how is he going to pull a piano out of the ocean? He's dead. They're going to have to send a helicopter out after him. Well, if he falls into the ocean, he will splash all of the water directly Oof that is a big boy He made it ten feet off the shore and then fell over With a little backpack he's's wearing look at this little tiny Again, that's a regular size backpack, which is the craziest part. It's like a backpack. Yeah, is this a life vest?

This is a regular size life vest. He's wearing bro. It's a camel back from a helium What the fuck man Fat people gotta stop, man. They just... Why do they like doing so many activities? It's always fat cycling, fat hiking, fat baking, fat jet skis, fat camping, fat ladders,

fat pools, fat mermaids. Why the fuck do they like doing so many fucking activities? It's the same thing I see in women, right? When they're like, I'm doing this for all women. And it's like, you have zero personality. You have nothing to offer. You're trying to glom onto the lowest common denominator

movement so that you feel some sense of value. I'm doing this for all women. And people who do that always fail the fucking hardest. Much like being fat, right? It's like, well, you know, this is fat empowerment here. And it's like, bitch, you can't even fit in a double wide roller coaster car. Even if they made one belt or one. Yeah, you're fucking up the roller coaster for everybody. It's just too scary now because you're so fat slinging around too fast. And you get a fat object in motion that stays in motion, right?

You're gonna be blowing through the station Newton's laws of fat thermodynamics dynamics Fat body in motion will fall over. Yes, that's what are the what are the actual laws of thermodynamics? a body motion will stay in motion every every Action is every force is equal and opposite for us. I think it's, if you're fat as fuck, your knees are absolutely going to give out on you so quit trying so much. Fat force will actually, will blow your knees out.

Bro, I used to work with this motherfucker who was so fat, he would get a pair of Converse at the start of the week and by the end of the week you could see his socks through the soles of his shoes. And I was like, how the fuck is that? The shoes lean. That's when your shoes start leaning. That's how you know you've got a problem. When you can see the alignment wear on your shoes. Yeah. And I'm like dog I see the flat spots in your shoes when you sit there and put your fucking foot up on the knee. The side of your fucking shoe is making contact with the ground buddy. You need to you need to fucking ease up.

Yeah, you need to get on the zip-bound. This is the same motherfucker. I come to the studio one day. He has a long box, shows up. Long skinny box. And everyone's like, what the fuck is this? He comes up and goes, oh shit, my shoe horn's here. We all had that same exact response to you.

Alright. What are you talking about? He got a ship to work? Yeah. Why? Because he was never home because he was always at work. Like a fucking friendless motherfucker. So then, get this.

He goes, oh sweet, he goes, guys check this out. Pulls this fucking three foot long shoe horn out. A metal one because again a wood one would have snapped with all that fucking, the fulcrum you need to put that fucking thing in. He takes his shoe- Did he order from a tack and feed store? You would think right? Yeah. He takes his shoe on and off so many times that when he tries to stuff this honey-baked ham, you know clients are walking up and he goes check this out and he goes now I can put my shoe on and all that out and reach down. He tries to stuff his honey-baked ham into this fucking thin converse and rips the shoe

in front of paying clients and they all start laughing at him and it's like why would you say everybody check this shit out. Yeah, it reminds me okay so just say it's audio equipment and take it take it into the bathroom or something. You shouldn't be proud of this. This is okay this asshole also had his bed on fucking Harbor Freight car jack stands because he was so fat that if he laid too low he wouldn't be able to stand up again. So he had to raise his bed up to like doctor table height so he could hop up into it because he could fall out of it in the morning. Oh wow. The fatness I have encountered is like... Wow. And then again... Like an autopsy table. Right and his whole thing was like well just

makes it easier for me. Well yeah. You never thought to like stop eating so much or just calm the fuck down. Fat furniture. Wow. Harbor Freight jack stands because it was the cheapest way to elevate his bed And I'm like you gotta be fucking and you're telling me that I'm doing bad living my life the way I do like that's Great, that's the most D. He's got fucking RV chocks on his bed. Yeah. Oh Telling me that I'm a fuckup Like dog you literally kid if we had a contest of everyone in this building could lay flat on your back on the floor and stand back up again, you're the only one who would lose. Yeah, we would have to call the fire department. We'd have to call engineering from the lot. I'm not picking his ass up. Yeah. Yeah, that's a liability. Maybe a forearm forklift. I'll do it. Yeah, right. But then you couldn't even get him upright. You could

just move him around like that. And it was like dude But yeah fat motherfuckers just don't give a fuck they just like that the rest of the world is the problem not damn That's like this like oh, yeah, it's a three-foot shoehorn like of course to make it I've never needed one who needs a shoehorn? What's the point of them? If you're that fucking fat... Are they for fat people? They have to be. They have to be. Why else would you need a fucking shoehorn? I saw them as a kid and I'm like, maybe when I'm grown up I'll need a shoehorn. Every time going to the store...

And now I'm like, where the fuck are the shoehorns? Dude, they're all three foot long so you could stand upright and fucking rip your converse in front of like world famous musicians like That level of shit and then having the whole band Unreal Yeah, that's the fall. That's the one dude. That was the exact fucking, I'm not even joking, that's the exact shoehorn. And he was so proud of it. He was like, dude it's heavy. It's all metal so it's this big like fucking- Yeah, so they don't accidentally eat it.

Right. And so you can't bend it. Let's see the reviews. Works great. I use it daily. No fear of breaking, my last plastic one. This bitch is breaking, this guy's breaking fucking shoe horns? Well, and that's the thing, is this thing's so durable it ripped his converse instead of his fucking shoe horn. I had an extended shoe horn already with a flexible neck. It got harder to use as I got old

a lot of old people We're the fats old Yeah, dude. It was the most insane shit. I've seen in my life. Let's ask Rufus is this good for fat people but the fact that he didn't like Not only was proud of it And felt the need to demonstrate it. Everyone who walked past was like,

oh, hey, what do you got there? And he's like, oh, it's my three foot shoe horn. And he'd stand his ass up out of the chair and demonstrate to all the clients in the most autistic manner possible. And it was like, dog, they don't care. They're wondering, they already know why you have a three foot shoe horn, dog.

Like it's very- Where's fucking Rufus? Where can I ask Rufus? Where the fuck is the AI? They got no AI no more on Amazon? They realize it's stupid Yeah, they realize oh everyone hates this shit. Yeah, they want to go look at the actual review They want some fucking AI telling them God

Yeah, man It was nuts. There was this kid in middle school He was in the LD program the learning disabled program Mm-hmm, and he got those titanium glasses one day and he calls the color those dude It was supposed to be bendable glasses that couldn't break right okay comes up. He gets the whole school He goes hey you fucking F slurs and retards and all this like I got bendable glasses watch I'll show you all at lunch okay so he gets everyone in a big group and go pulls his glasses off

it goes think think and cranks them right in fucking half in front of the whole school pretty much just breaks him bro yeah he broke him in half and went on such a fucking tard rage I didn't see him for two more years it was incredible but that's what that three-foot like hey everyone look at my three-foot shoehorn It's like dude. That's not the look. This is the company that makes the three-foot shoehorn fan were It's wiping ones Yeah, it's totally the wiping wand of some fat shit. Yeah, it's old shit, but it's fat shit, too Pro fat people are sick

Sick shit but it's fat shit too. Bro, fat people are sick. They're really sick. Oh man, okay. That's the show everyone. Get your comic done, get your audio right. In that particular order. I gotta listen to that shit again. We pull it up dude, I can't stop thinking about it. Mr. Media Professional can't even- Well, that's the whole-

There's all this shit has been happening because of Vito's endless lectures about professionalism, all this shit. And like, you're telling me this is what- This is where professionalism gets you? I don't think so, man. You know what's fucking crazy is I'm sure if you gave Moz 100k and said make a comic, he would have it done that afternoon.

Vito should release the comic issue number 2 for free. He should send it to people for free. Oh, dude, I couldn't agree with you more on that. Because of the delay and everything else. He owes people that. He owes people. Everyone would buy 3 after that. Yes.

I would buy 1, and three exact me too Me too, but just two Nah, I need something for the effort two for free That's what I'm doing that's what I'm saying man, it's camera is, what the ducking? Did you hear that? That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm saying, man. It's camera, audio and it's ducking. It's another ground because that way it'll knock out the lady and the nanites. He can pull him out.

He's not right. And after he does so, he turns out Ultraman and the big reveal, of course. Well, Luther has three guys. He's got Ultraman, he's got bus all lady, and then he's got a bunch of Luther soldiers and trying to pitch them to the nations of the world is his like own Justice League or whatever and They should just get chairs sit in chairs Across from each other lean in and kiss already you two fucking guys like you know you that's what this is all leading like why are you sitting so preposterously close why you sitting so close Vito's going in for a little bit a little smooch just a little just a little

kiss can I get a bis if you will let me scoot them in that's too close look at how close we are three feet away Do I have a tape measure? We're more than three feet away. We're like four feet away. This is great. We could okay. Don't move. We exactly no touching Not possible to touch. No, we'd have to make effort to touch. Yeah, that's the correct amount of space Yeah, making effort gay touching gay. Yes, two of those things. No accidental touching Going on here two of those things never happen on this show. This show, they could reach out and touch each other's shoulders. They would have to avoid it. They'd have to consciously make choices to avoid touching each other by accident.

You know what? They're sitting close enough to feed each other. Substantial crisis, which is really unusual. They could do like a wedding where you wrap around and eat each other's... Eat your cakes. Vito's so loud he's compressing himself. I'm so happy when we figured out what the problem was. That's why I posted that shit in the first place. Look at this, we fucking fixed it. Finally!

That's why I'm laughing so hard at the old settings, because that's not anything that's acceptable. I don't know why he's offended by that bro? I know I could have posted either one of those they're both fucking they're both fucked up The yours that has the game on it is way worse than this one yours that has an eight decibel gain After a 10 ratio limiter at negative 4 threshold is fucking way worse than the one I posted. The one I posted is so bad. Again, you're fucking, you're pounding the volume straight through the fucking roof. That's why it sounds bad. And muffled. That's why it sounds bad and muffled. Why didn't he send Ultraman?

Yeah, but you know. We haven't talked yet about Ultraman. He knows what he's doing, yeah. Ultraman? Is that what he's doing. Yeah Is that not already trademarked in the superhero business Just fucking Ducked all the Ducked all to hell dude. It's like vetoes this co-host Like damn it fixer don't duck at all if you're ducking is fucked and don't duck

You don't need a ducker for don't need a duck over to people you really don't I don't have a duck on this show Sean set one up so is and we bypass it. Yeah, and then at some point I'm like don't have anybody duck me don't have don't ever duck me get the duck out of here. Don't ever duck me All right, I hope they work it out man. They're not go with I do want to see these guys Being this asshole works it out, and you know what happens is nothing ever happens is fucking I feel like goddamn chud jack. I made a whole fucking human being before super killer came out billions of comics must die Like this is fucking I pitched in that discord or the fucking Twitter chat or whatever I was like you should have someone should draw super killer versus super killer so veto has to kill himself

finally Either that or super killer versus veto's dad so that his dad dies at the hand of his own creation Johnny rocket made a punisher It's pretty funny. It's pretty funny that guy's funny dude. I bought two copies of the maniac Yeah, because I was like you know what Johnny rocket has just been knocking him out of the park lately Corgan drew it Corgan who does Corgan who drew the shirt that that's pisses me off sure that's why I brought it in today It's a great pay them fuck. I'm behind on payments. Oh speaking of being behind on payments Did you ever get a check in the mail? No! I've been asking for a month!

I'm pretty- I'm pretty lenient on that, but... I don't like asking for it and then getting, uh, let's have a call about it. Just, no, no, no, no, just send me the fucking money. What's crazy is I never have to ask you anything. Yeah. That's like, it's almost like how business like huh? Don't fuck with the money. It's don't fuck around. That's the no. That's the only rule right is don't like Hmm yeah, I wasn't happy about that but what did the double email got me?

You know what it's fine like okay, it's so fine you had to send it to me. In another email a minute after. You know, I'm researching what vaccines that I can give my son. I don't give a fuck about who you're fighting with online. I'm never gonna give a fuck about that again, dude. Like, are you fucking kidding me? I got a fucking human being over here that I'm worried about. Yeah, but SkitsOSean gave me 500 bucks and clearly he's...

I don't give a fuck. Yeah,, you know I don't fucking give it I Can you believe he wants me to make content? I can't believe such a thing Which by the way two notable birthdays Great guy Steve's birthday today shot him for being a supporter for so long and it's the niggas birthday on was on Friday So happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday great guy Steve everyone else fuck your birthdays for being a supporter for so long and it's the niggler's birthday on was on Friday. Mmm. So happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, great guy Steve.

Everyone else, fuck your birthdays. You suck. What the fuck is Scott Adams saying? If the only way to punish the Epstein clients involves you murdering your own children to make it happen, would you? What kind of fuck? What is... This is why your wife left you, bro.

Asking fucking goofy ass questions like that. It's a double no. Like... I hate, I fucking hate boomers This is so this is what this is what the boomer race did wrong that we're not doing Asking provocative questions to like make people think about stuff. This is what we're doing fuck fuck you and if it's not being recorded I'm calling you the F slur the n-word I'm saying some kind of n-word not just a raw n-word

But what you're doing wrong and then n-word attached to it So, you know that you're fucking up. That's like if you get juice IPA's you're getting hit with that No, if you involve murdering you just shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up and die of your cancer already fuck that's this fucking clown has good He's gonna been he's gonna have killed himself this year for like 10 years I was gonna kill myself this year So fucking do it Scott. Go to hot topic buy some mascara Do your do yourself up you little emo queer and fucking kill yourself

Just get it over with already the thing that gets me About the boomer race too is their provocative questions always like a mic drop. They never have an answer for it Oh, yeah, like they're like well see like I made people think and it's like you made people hate you now I hate Epstein again yeah okay that's what you've got if you would kill your own kid no I wouldn't kill my own kids for any reason Scott I would kill your kill your kids yeah kill you yeah yeah I would kill myself before I what are you talking about? Would you kill your kids? No? Yeah, no I'm not even gonna kill this beer for the Epstein list. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, I don't give a shit

I really don't I don't fucking care. I know already know who's on it It's everyone. I don't like that's who's on it. That's that's who's on the Epstein list and everybody I don't fucking like is on it. I don't need to see the list. I actually don't want to see the list Yeah, cuz I know who's on it already This guy this guy this guy's pissed me off that guy that's pissed me off everybody everybody in charge every politician Everybody in religion fucking anybody with power anybody that makes me do something. I don't want to do is on it You know, they're all pedophiles the list. Nothing's happening, no one, cause it's all, it's already all up at the top.

Yeah. What could we, but in the same way, it's like, hey, God's real. Like, oh shit, like that's cool. I'm still going to fucking. So are we killing the pedophiles or not then? Yeah. So we're not, I guess we're not then, right? But God seemed pretty good on borders.

So do we enforce that now again or what then fucking I'd actually be worse yeah I knew there was a God my go well fuck you well then I double down I would KFC double down on all the fatties and be like you know your gluttony is making God they never go after gluttony they always go they only ever go after lust they never go after gluttony oh these fucking pornographers and these fornicators and shit. Yeah, do fat women. Let's hear a sermon on fat women Well, you know, I mean we could all lose some weight. No, no, no, no, no, no, no It doesn't say it doesn't say it's lust and then there's another list

It's in the same fucking list gluttony and there's a lot more gluttony than there is less going on right now pal Well, it's crazy because it's gluttony and sloth right because I know people who eat a lot, but they work out They do things they have very active lifestyle. Yeah, they're actually doing tube, right? So everyone else doing only the one right so they're doing gluttony and sloth. Let me see what order they're in Yeah, ten command wait, which was the mortal sins seven deadly sins. Yeah. Yeah Well, you know I got a cardinal sins Terry Shivo to hell right why for the sin of sloth and I didn't know that That's in here that that's a Neil Hamburger win. That's a What order are they in what order are the deadly sins in

What order are they in? What order are the deadly sins in? Pride? Okay. Yeah, Pride's number one, obviously. Yeah, every year we deal with that sin. Constantly. That's a bad one. Envy? Okay, Envy's basically the same as Pride though. Seems like you just wanted to have seven. Yeah. Wrath? Let's not talk about that. No, well There's a what? Righteous Wrath, right? Yeah. Okay, Greed, Gluttony, and Lust. So Gluttony comes before Lust. Gluttony's worse. So if you're doing Greed and Sloth and Gluttony, right, you're on the lower tier of them.

So you're like even a shitty, you're not even doing like the A-list. You're not even doing the good stuff. You're not even a boastful asshole. You're just like the laziest of the sins. Uh-huh. Shitty. Gluttony's first though. So let's hear about all the fat bitches then. How they need to lose some fucking weight, preacher. Tired of hearing about the less thing.

Dude, they're up there every Sunday preaching about this shit. I would say they're a glutton for fucking getting their fucking mind or their thoughts out, you know? They're over-enfolding. I just want to see one preacher. And all you ladies are eating too goddamn much guys too much internet porn and ladies way too much Eating look just cuz it says snack well doesn't you know it's not an instruction. You're snacking bad. Yes All right, goodbye see ya everybody See ya everybody. Snack bad?

They never do though. No. They never fucking say shit about the eating. Never. Yep. Whores, fornicators, and fat women. That's gonna be my contribution. Whores, fornicators, and fat women! Fat whores.

Fat whores! Vote for me, for City Council. I'm running against Ulysses Ulysses S, that's a food for Grant. Ulysses S Graham Cracker. She is the length of Ulysses, the novel. Yeah. I gotta write these down. I don't want to be out there without a fat joke. I got you. Okay. Alright, goodbye.