The Dick Show - Episode 469 - Dick on Slender Man's Wife

Episode Date: July 27, 2025

Warren G lullabyes, stuck behind an idiot's funeral procession, Armenians honking at the hospital, the death of waiting rooms, fat women are hacked globally, mental asylums are coming back, eating gross things, advice on programming, an all-white town, four-person mortgages, and a fat woman breaks a Slip 'N Slide; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Chicky, chicky, chicky, chicky, chicky, chicky, chicky, chicky. And you can see all their UPS boxes in the background. Yeah. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe he Roomblay. They should change it to Roomblay. Make it fancy. They should make it work. They should make it work and then make it fancy. What is Roomblay up to? That guy said they're gonna make like a... God, he said something. A wallet. Make a Rumble wallet. Oh, wow. Can't wait for that to not work, too.

Yeah. Can I buy... Can I subscribe to an ad on Rumble? a teeth for gold ad with my rumble? Wallet how much can I lose when it magically won't sign in anymore doesn't the least reliable wallet on the planet mm-hmm Mmm Okay, let's see here this working. Yeah, that's working and is this working ah This is This is working. How much can I... Woo hoo hoo hoo!

Woo, baby! You mean a show that works? Woo! Wow! Ah, I've been getting, I don't know what happened, Patreon rolled out an app, or an app, an update. Oh. Where you can... Uh, let me connect to the live show too.

Where it says like so-and-so just join your Patreon. Click here to write them a little message. It says it on the the little Patreon app on my phone, right? Like it pops up, you know how stuff pops up like, local celebrity did, right? Stuff like that. Says Fucking Johnny Dick Cheese joined the Patreon. Click here to send them a message and you click here and Johnny Dick Cheese, join the Patreon. Click here to send him a message. And you click here and I'm like, Hey thanks. Hahahaha So I get, you know, I was like,

I don't know, that's kind of weird. But then I get a little, I have a couple drinks and those things start coming in. Hey fuck you. Who the fuck do you think you are? Don't ever, don't ever stop. Don't ever stop subscribing subscribing Or I'll die Right, it's like the green ribbon around your neck or whatever mm-hmm

So if you join the patreon you might get a message from me After I've had one beer Just one bizarre yeah, it might be yeah, just one No more than one two beers because the baby wakes you up in the middle of the night and your body is in like throw up mode. Usually you sleep through throw up mode. Right. If you have more than two beers,

if I have more than two beers, running on two hours of sleep and two beers, two, two, two, baby wakes you up in the middle of hang, in the middle of like peak hangover and I'm just instant throw up last night. It's like, ugh.

I went, what's wrong with you? And I'm like, ugh. Fucking, usually I sleep right, usually you're supposed to sleep through this. Yeah. God damn baby just woke me up. Peak hangover. Ugh, fuck. Happened to me last night, man.

Your baby woke you up at peak hangover? No. I had a couple drinks Yeah, it was ready to just go right to bed. Mm-hmm Wake up at some ungodly hour of the morning and just ripping headache. Well world spinning. It's not fair It really isn't it's not fair. You like, I'm better than this. Come on. What was the, I didn't even drink that much. Just to stop my stomach from hurting, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Just, yeah, just, I just drink enough to make the pain go away. That's it. Some days are more painful than other. Just so I can get some water in me too afterward. Yeah, cause you never know what's in water these days. They got fluoride, AIDS, somebody got AIDS from drinking water. Well, did you know, did you hear know what's in water these days. They got fluoride, AIDS, somebody got AIDS from drinking water

Did you know, did you hear about that? No. They got HIV, AIDS from drinking water, so I'm not drinking that shit anymore Well, I realize every time I drink water first I go throw up But if I start with alcohol, then I can eat food again, I can drink water, you know, you start with alcohol, right? Yeah Anything else Alcohol then water like do it like you order That's this that's the rhyme that's the rhyme liquor then liquor then water do it like you order Mm-hmm, I can't think of the other you need one for the other way to water before beer You are a queer water before liquor never been so you know

Just flip the same one though, okay? So if you join the patreon you might get a little message for me, you know cool It might be something cool might be something stupid But you might not even get anything Sign up at later in the evening versus earlier in the day and you will get a Higher chance of a crazier message if you sign up at 5 a.m we'll get a higher chance of a crazier message. If you sign up at 5 a.m., guaranteed you're getting a baby,

holding the baby message, which is gonna be delirious and suicidal. Oh. It's gonna be, hey, should I bail? Yes or no? Should I? Time is a factor. My wife's about to wake up.

Should I leave right now? We should make it. Halfway to Mexico before she wakes up. Patron tier for yes and one for no. So you can ask multiple, ask a yes or no question and see what people. New bonus episode about my traumatic C-section experience. Baby being born.

I'm already, I'm choosing the kind of dad I'm gonna be. Really? Yeah. Or maybe it's choosing me. I went to a follow-up appointment with the baby at the hospital, you know? And I'm walking with the baby carrying thing, the car seat that pops out, you can carry it around. We go in there and they're like,

oh, let's weigh this fucker again and let's ask about his poop again. And I'm like, all right, I'm done talking about the poop and stuff. He's fine. I don't need to weigh him again. He's fine. Let's just wrap this up.

They have a new sort of, they've managed to add a new layer of hell to doctor's offices at this one that we went to. I'm never going back specifically because of this. Because there was a black lady watching Judge Judy on her phone, on her speaker phone. In the waiting, and I would say waiting room, but it's no longer a waiting room.

Now it's a waiting free range. So the doctor, get this, this is some fucking genius starts with a juh sound, figured out how to cut the cost of drywall in the new hospital construction. So they got rid of the waiting room, the concept of the waiting room, and now it's just an open floor waiting area of like whatever sort of doctors on the floor.

So you've got a pediatrician here, you've got some kind of geriatric STD clinic over there, you've got a schizo office, and normally you go to the doctor and you're at least around your own kind of people, which is really fucking important in life. Being around your own kind of people, it turns out, is right under water and eating

and shelter is being around your own kind of fucking people. And that means people are bringing their baby to the doctor and not a fucking HIV geriatric HIV clinic over there. I don't want to see a bunch of- I don't to see fucking Goddamnit, what's the what's the what's the guys name in Sherlock Holmes the old homosexual that fills him in all the socialite old? damn, um Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes is gay or friend. I don't see Siegfried and Roy Comparing tiger bites out of the corner of my eye the the lady the speakerphone American was bad enough

But they've managed to they got rid of the concept of a waiting room So there's no fucking walls anymore to separate your medical ailments from their medical ailments from their medical ailments It's like a it's like a the DMV Yeah, it's like a worst version of jury duty. I was just thinking It's like a DMV. Yeah, it's like a worst version of jury duty, I was just thinking. And I'm sitting there going, can I just be around my own people? Today's people with sick babies. That's what I want to be around.

My baby's not sick. I just want to follow up, because they're poopophiliacs. Doctors, pediatricians are. Nine out of 10. Poopophiles, philiacs, they just get off talking about poop and what's in the diaper. They're in baby servers There's only two of them Well

Look at this here's a moment of Zen for you Johnny before I start the show here's a moment of that Where's skit so Sean TV skit so? Sean TV there damn it Skit so come on skit so oh You didn't spell with the T. Okay Okay, that was veto go get the bonus episode right the fuck now patreon.com The dick show get the fucking bonus episode! I don't wanna have to- I don't wanna have to say it again!

Get it? Somebody said it's the hardest they've ever laughed in their life. I saw that. You saw that- you saw that comment come in. That was really nice of them. It was nice. It was a good episode. Here's uh, SkitsoshanTV has infiltrated the toe. The toe meetup.

Uh, what the fuck was that Stay in the fucking call don't fucking bother me while I'm trying to do business over here get out of here All right This is the guy the guy who's setting up a town only for white people Except for gay white people might be calling in today. He said he would call in between white things He's watching the golf channel marathon of old historical golfers. I love it. He's watching a history He's watching a documentary on the golf channel about guys talking about watching golf Well, he's got the golf channel up and he's got a picture in picture of a World War two documentary going on, too

Okay, here's the Look at him. Look at him go. Look at him go. The man who... The man who had it all. There he is, ladies and gentlemen. In his element. Cigar and...

Karaoke-ing. His throng of either fan, his throngs of either fan are there cheering him on. Isn't that wonderful? Nick Reketa could never do this. Nick Reketa is too fucking strung out to ever do, to ever move like this You know I was thinking about the toe. I was thinking about the toe a lot Cuz he really he did he went after he fucked up Nick Reketa's life really good, right? He went in there hard. He got his wife took and fucked and whatever. Fucking dumb wife. He lost his dumb wife. And he fucked- he decided to fuck up Nickercade his life, right? Mm-hmm.

But he forgot- he forgot to- He forgot to make any money for himself, didn't he? He forgot to make anything of it. He got handed a gold. He got handed gold He just handed it to everyone else didn't he man. Yeah You get so rad. That's why they say the best revenge is a life well-lived. That's bullshit but People need to hear that because what they want to do is just try to fuck you over The best revenge is fucking somebody over and then make a shitload of money doing it.

Yes. And having a good time doing it. Having a great time doing it. The worst thing to do is fuck somebody over and then it's just you singing karaoke at 11.30. Well, it's like half karaoke again. It's like, it's like, as long as you don't even know. Man.

What a world, man. I don't know any baby songs. Any lullabies? Can't believe there's no waiting room at this hospital. No, I can actually, because I went to a relatively new doctor's office. And- They just make you wait out in the street,

like a fucking taco truck now? No, open floor plan. It's like you're in the same general floor and it's like- Close the fucking floor. It's just like a different set of tiles for like which like, okay, this group of chairs is for this section. And this group of chairs is for this section, but it's like people don't give a fuck

and just see chairs and go sit there. Yeah, put up a wall. I don't want to see these fucking weirdos. Well, it used to be like- They had a pedophile anonymous meeting Across from the pediatrician. I said there's a problem here. He would yeah, can I talk to the manager? Well, it used to be you'd go through one door and then down a long hallway through another door Uh-huh, and then it was just like I hope it was like walking through the severance halls. I need

I'm not paying no $30 $60 copay if I don't get a hall. If I'm not walk... I'm not... I could sit at home and not pay thirty dollars, okay? I'm coming here for the hallway. Look, vote up build a wall. Build... exactly. Build the wall. Build this... Build a fucking wall. Next time I go to the pediatrician I'm bringing in... I was... my own drywall. I'm gonna erect a wall around all the geriatrics and then put no door on it So they all die in there like the Sims. Oh, yeah Yeah, I don't know any lullabies. Do you know any lullabies off the top of your head? I don't So I'm in I'm trying to sing my son to sleep after I throw up because he wakes me up

Just singing Baker Street, man Yeah, I do that and I mostly sing Mario level songs I throw up because he wakes me up. Just singing Baker Street, man. Yeah, I do that. And I mostly sing Mario level songs. Oh, that's good. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Because I'm starting other songs. I'm like, The Wheel's on the Bus.

You have to go really far out of the way to never let him play a Mario game. So he just thinks like, wow, my dad really thought this great song. He falls asleep right away. Wait, I've know this song my dad would sing Well, have you ever seen that thing about like when your kids like get old enough to like start watching TV and stuff where yeah you When they're tired and get really shitty you turn the TV to Spanish Oh really and then or like even before then too and you're like they're like I can't understand it be like oh You're probably getting tired like you're too tired man. You gotta go to bed. Yeah, you're not understanding English anymore like oh man

That's crazy. Yeah, that's what are they saying? Hmm your English is fucked up, dude. Yeah, I see us Dormir I was either wouldn't work in your house Or it'd be funny to go to like grow up like that and you go to Mexico one day And you're just like the Pavlovian like response. Oh, man. I'm fucking like Johnny all I ever wanted was a whore budget a budget for whores and now I've Now I'm looking at the numbers thinking if I can afford a night nurse And now I'm looking at the numbers thinking if I can afford a night nurse, which you'd think was horror adjacent, at least,

but it's just a lady who feeds your son when you're sleeping, so you could sleep. That's where I'm at. All I ever...put it on my tombstone. All he ever wanted was a horror allowance, and he never got it. He just spent his life chasing trivialities and frivolities. He led a trivial life without even a stretch, a time with whore.

He spent his time on frivolous things, family and other bullshit working. Never quite lived his dream. And now he's, you know how much I hate chores? And cleaning up. Which is completely against your bloodline. Exactly. You go to Mexico, just everyone's clothes

is out in the street. Well, they're- They don't fold at all. They're sweeping dirt roads over there. But now, I'm doing dishes like Dr. Strangelove. Like I go to the dishes. Like, get this dish down, get the scrub thing. Use two hands to do it.

One hand on the other. My wife's like, thanks so much for helping. I'm like, no problem. Open that dish. much for helping out no problem you know dude it gets brutal when you're beat man you know what reaching for Tide Pods if night pain I do serious night pain. I'll still never forget that commercial. A night, night quill? The Z-Quill. Z-Quill for night pain.

No, they've, the bottle itself is called night pain. And I'm like, what do you mean night pain? Does this give you night pain? Like is it when bitches aren't texting you back and you're feeling a little too, some type of way about it? Is that night pain? If a bitch texted me at night, I would fucking explode with rage right now

That's the difference between me and anyone any man if a bitch if I were to be texted by a bitch right now What are you doing right now? I would put a diaper on and drive to her house and kill her I don't ever want to get a text from a bitch ever again. I feel it. I've never hated women more. I hate them even as a concept now. Usually I would love the concept of women, hate the execution, you know. Right, yeah. Well, cause- Ten times out of ten. This is another nightmare of an execution. But I love the concept. I'll read a book about it, the concept, concept you know the woman written by a man

Oh, what's wonderful? Yeah, but now even the concept itself get the fuck out of here I'll turn my phone into a cinnamon twist fucking text you bitch Even the spams send me into a rage mm-hmm those dopey Chinese women with the exercise eyes Hey, my friend wanted to get to know you, but she's shy I gotta go do dishes now I'm getting a full-body workout from doing dishes. That's a new dad thing Put it on the counter. Oh, yeah, well cuz like your macho man, that's how I do dishes Yeah, you're fighting the urge to just fucking throw it

Yeah, like when you come to dad I feel like there's no greater like display of like I really mean it Then like her a dish across the room and it's like man yeah, you're a weekend at this point a little over and You know Yeah. You're a week in at this point, a little over, and you know, that's a lot of sleep missing. You could have had two extra weeks of your life back. I'm folding my wife's sports bra, you know, out of the laundry. I go do creatine before I fold the clothes. Ooh! Ah!

And then there's me just fighting the urge to ask if I have to hang this dress up or fold it. Oh, you're not dressed. He goes, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm not asking about the construction dress. Just doing what I think is the correct thing to do. So I'm feeding my son, singing him Zelda, overworld Zelda theme, you know, or do do do do do do do,

cause I don't know any fucking, cause I don't know any songs, I don't know any fucking songs. Do do do do do do, I'm singing him the thing, trying to calm him down. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do. And he spits up or something, fucks up his clothes. I'm like, all right.

So I go and my wife has packed all of his baby clothes into these cubbies, into one of those piece of shit cubbies that hangs from the bar. So you can't ever, if you try to get anything out of it, it swings like a fucking pendulum and knocks all, you know, you try to get something out of it and it's difficult already because you can't push it back. Everything will dump out,

and you can't pull too hard, but she's packed it tight. Like, trying to fucking ship fentanyl, get fentanyl across the border, right? It's packed tight. There's, I see his onesies, whatever, it's a big mix. I don't know her fucking Dewey decimal system, Dewey dumbassimal system that she used to pack all the baby clothes into this one hanging thing. And I'm like, ordinarily, ordinarily, ordinarily,

ordinarily, I would, of course, grab a handful of them and throw it into the middle of the room. Mm-hmm. And then figure out where the thing that I'm looking for is. Right? If I can't find dress socks, all the socks, poof, catapults out into the middle of the room. Oh, there they are.

And then leave. That's what I've been doing my whole life. That's what I was trained to do by the Academy I'd like to thank the Academy but I said no no we're doing we're doing cleanup things so I took forced my hand you know in there pushed it around looked and I pulled one onesie out, and I'm like, all right, I got it, got it. Changed him, put him down, went to sleep. I wake up this morning, go in there,

my wife's feeding the baby, and I go, hey, does anybody wanna call? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I look, whole room covered in onesies. Oh well well well well well well What do we have here? Turns out you were right this whole time She goes I know I knew while I was doing it that this is what you would do and I I Succumbed to it. I said, well, well, well. I said, this is where I learned it from my mom.

Watching her fucking meltdown, fling shit all over. So it looks like the tradition has been passed on. I said it felt good, right? It felt good to do that, because yeah, it felt good. Now clean this shit up. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Sure, this is a contest coming to you live from Mount Bunker Deep in the Heart of City, Failure, Mejestic, Mashers, and aka the 20 million dollar band. Joining me as always is Johnny the Audio Engineer. I don't know, are you world touring?

We don't know yet. We don't know yet. Allegedly and supposedly. Sean was world touring. He was. I'm not world touring. Sean was. Not me.

Good ol' Sean, man. You know, they... South Park, who are as gay, they retroactively replaced Token with Tolkien in all the subtitles. That's dumb. Yeah. It's totally dumb. Because they did that, his name is Tolkien, which was funny. But then they went back and replaced token as Tolkien and all the Subtitles going back like you got come on man Can I can I just look at a wall without being fucking humped by one of you fucking assholes?

No, why is everyone such an unfunny piece of shit? Someone made that decision. You know yeah, they can't help themselves man. I Watch the new episode Where they did an AI of Trump naked. All right, guys, this is good fun. You guys used to be setting the bar, you know? Yeah. You used to have really excoriating commentary, social commentary, goobacs, you know?

Stuff like that. World of Warcraft stuff. Now it's just, look at this AI we made. Everyone can make an AI. It's not art. There's no context and individuality to it. It's just shit anybody typed into a computer. Why don't you just show the prompt? You guys are butt-hurt. That would be even funnier. Just show the prompt? You guys are all, you guys are butt-hurt.

That would be even funnier. Just show the prompt. Show the prompt. You have to stand there and imagine it, yeah. Yeah, AI time. Here's what we wrote, Trump naked, walking around. This is writing a book at that point though. Yeah, it is just writing a book.

Whatever, I don't care. So as I was saying, I come out of that baby cattle call thing with the open waiting rooms. And it's in Armenian town. My son was born in the same hospital where Freddy Krueger was born. Oh.

The actual, the demon, not the actor. born. Oh. The actual, the demon, not the actor. And Erika Eleniak, which is pretty cool. The naked lady from Under Siege. Pretty cool. So I'm leaving there and there's some inpatient piece of shit honks waiting for somebody, like this person's waiting at the crosswalk for me to cross and the person beside behind them lays on the Horn and I've got sleeping baby here, and I'm like half asleep Wow great, you know Parking honking in a parking garage with people walking around So I did when any reasonable person would do

What right after there walks right up to the window, and said, hey, you better watch it, like Steven Crowder. Like Steven Crowder would do, holding the baby. And then I thought as I did it, I was like, well, that was dumb after I did it. I said, that wasn't smart to do. But I guess that's the kind of dad I am, the guy who's shouting at people he doesn't know in cars with carrying the baby around.

Okay, I've seen that guy I've always wondered what the hell is his problem but I know you know you am become the shouter the the rager of things see that guy go wow that's not smart to do with the baby but there I was doing it with the baby I'm surprised you didn't just overhand throw the whole baby carrier at his car No, cuz it's like this arm is like detached. Oh, this arm is in like gimbal mode, you know It's I'm writing it out in my brain. Hmm. That's in like another dimension That makes sense. This is the aggressive hand. You better fucking watch it You better fucking watch it. I got I really made eye contact with her too

You better fucking watch it. Who's this texting me? Riley? Oh, I showed the Google Meet link? Oh, okay. I'll make a new one. Uhhhhhh That was for the- Let me make a new one right now.

Thanks, Crim. Thank you, Crim. Meet.google.com. Wait, why is it filled with an A? I don't know, it should be. New meeting. You create an instant meeting, okay? Continue without using camera.

Yeah, oh yeah, sure, I'll be the biggest problem. Why not? Alright here's a better link, better link. Well Vito doesn't seem to mind using it so. You hear Vito trying to gaslight everyone into thinking that first of all there's a bunch of, like, in his words, hot trans women in your local area. And that every guy wants their dick sucked by a hot trans woman. Was that like a pop-up ad that made an MS Paint? He saw and like just kinda took the heart.

Buddy, I just think you're gay. I don't think you're... I don't think this is a real thing that you're talking about. I caught up on the episode and was like, what the fuck is going on here, man? What are you talking about? Getting your dick sucked by a hot trans woman? Spaghetti coming out of his pockets instead of down his gullet, man. Those guys don't even want a fat chick sucking their dick. What are you talking about a fucking trans woman sucking their dick? Yeah.

Nuh-uh. No. Yeah, no, uh-uh. No No way, no wrong. No fucking way At least a fat chick wouldn't have stubble You want your fucking balls? Rob by some stub What the fuck are you talking about? That was the most insane thing he's probably ever said. Up to this point. Like what the fuck was that?

That was his cell. That was the- that was the uh... That was the first offering. Well, you know, let's say you see a hot trans chick. No. Where am I? Yeah, you mean, um, looking at like porno? No Where am I? Yeah You mean looking at like porno? Cartoon porno on the internet? Okay Yeah you can just say, you can just start off with the premise being false

so you don't have to try and lie about it I'm getting sucked off by a guy Why does it need to be a hot trans chick? What the fuck difference would that make? Alright whatever With a wig obviously Trance what what the fuck difference would that make all right, whatever? Obviously Nintendo says Mario and peach are good friends about that never thought I would see the day

Man Mario getting cucked you'd think they'd be great friends right now Why were they getting married in Mario Odyssey then? Oh yeah. Oh, it was Cappy's ass. Were the hats getting married only? Yeah. Mario and Peach weren't getting married? She's writing a lot of fucking inappropriate texts and sending gifts for good friends. I never got no P-wing from a woman that's just a friend.

Get some P... Pussy. Pussy-wing. Fucking... Get some pussy- Pussy. Pussy wing. Fucking. Get some pussy wing from Princess Peach. Princess Peach and Mario are good friends and help each other out whenever they can. How about you help me out with this erection?

Getting that pee from Princess Pea dog. Give me some of that pussy wing bitch. You could really help me out here. What do you mean Peach and Mario are good friends? Why has everything got to be? Well when the fuck does she help him out? Yeah fucking never. Oh, I guess at the P wing, but no, I guess the king gives that right? No, she left letters. That's right. She got letters, but that's like you're helping me help you get it for one level though What kind of hell is that? Yeah, you're helping me help you, so it's not really you helping me. This is all in the service of helping you.

You're funding me the five grand to get to the next fucking thing. And I know that the Princess is a Ho song. I've been singing that song to my son because I don't know any other songs. No, no, no, I don't think so. The princess is a ho. Such a good one.

It's come safe. And I'm like, you don't want to be safe, baby. Man, I hope you don't remember this shit I'm singing to you. You got to start doing like a Richard Cheese level like reinterpretations of like classic rap songs. So he gets all these like classic like street knowledge passed down to him. Okay. But in like a less offensive way.

I've been singing Warren G's regulators. Yeah, like you could do like 10 crack commandments, get him started with like the business mindset, you know. The business mind, I don't know that shit. We'll never get high on your own supply, which that's Vito immediately breaking one of the 10 crack commandments, opening Final Fantasy packs.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good idea. She's playing him J.L. Jesse Lee Peterson. Well, that's also great. I wake up and she's recreating him listening to Jesse Lee Peterson. I'm like, oh, okay, that's a good idea. She's playing him jail Jesse Lee Peterson. That's also great. I wake up and she's recreating him listening to Jesse Lee Peterson. I'm like, oh, okay, that's good. Awesome. That's good.

Awesome. Here is, guys! We've got, um, we've got, we've got a big win, a big win for men this week. Ooh, man, fat, blown the fuck out. Just like their ankles. Fat women blown out like their ankles, just like their buttons, just like their diets, just like their buttholes.

Fat women blown out. What are you gonna say? You just reminded me, so that same fat motherfucker who had the three foot shoe horn, he would only wear like triple XL Dickie's shirts, because that was the only thing that would fit and he could afford Yeah He got to the point where he got so fat that the bottom two buttons blew off of all of his shirts

like the bottom two like blew off blew the fuck off my god This is called. This is an app called T. Mmm. It was the number one app on the App Store. It's a women-only app where users anonymously share info and warnings about men to spot red flags and get feedback. This was on the 22nd? What day is it? This was five days ago. Oh man. Can you believe women would try to weaponize technology against us? Bitch, that's our technology. You guys don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Not one of you could explain how this thing that you're holding and trying to fuck us over with even works a little bit. What are you thinking? What are you guys thinking about besides food and being fat and getting fucked over? Yeah, I like that the app was named after a food item, a beverage rather.

And then this was the 25th, so what is this? Two days, three days later, oh, maybe the same day? It is hacked and they had 60 gigabytes of driver's licenses And they had 60 gigabytes of drivers licenses and selfies to prove that they were women. They said they were going to delete them all when they proved that they were women, but they didn't delete them. They just had them in like a file server that's open to the public. Every fucking time, man. Let me find the guy's statement. Every fucking time, man.

You know what I would say? Broken clock being right twice a day, right? Yeah. Maddox was right. I think it was Maddox who talked about we need to stop turning everything into a fucking app. Oh, did he? I think. I think it was the biggest problem. I can't remember. But it's like, yeah, I like, they're just quit making apps for like, just everything.

Yeah, just make a website. Just make a website. Well, usually they are just, a lot of apps are just like wrappers for the website. Yeah, it's all API calls. So it's like. Yeah. OK, here, I want to find his like, founder story.

T was born from a deeply personal mission. So now we've got everyone's driver's license, everyone's selfie. These guys are doing head to head, which one is hotter contest. So they're ranking the women against each other. That's funny. Some of them were Department of Defense employees

that were logging in from secret military bases. Here's the ugliest one. This is the boss of the jilted women. These chicks are mad that a man fucked them and ghosted them. They should be praising God that a man would ever fuck them to begin with you had a bad experience We had you had a bad experience with your charity fuck you lose some fucking weights Jesus Christ this is proof that a straight guy would rather fuck that then vetoes imaginary

trans Well, you know everybody would get their dick sucked by a hot tranny no this is what people would rather get their dick sucked by yeah there's no tea for hot sexy trans women is there uh I'm going through these I'm going through the news snippets on this this is every single woman like this is what this is who's angry Some guys stopped calling them they all look like Slimers mom Look at this they all look like a pallet slapped swapped Slimer like like a online rockstar game Where all you could play is versions of Slimer they look like unused clay fighter models

Look at shit what the all you wanted to do all you wanted to do is Go online and ruin guys lives talking shit Doing your typical orthogonally evil chick shit fucking around Getting in some broads ear and fucking up her relationship, spreading the toxic poison that Satan put in your brain when he created you, right? They all get a certain amount, right?

Yeah, when Satan, every time a woman appears, Satan comes in her brain and puts a sick poison in there that takes the rest of her life to get out. Takes years and decades to get that sick Satan poison out of her brain and they all want to go on here and Spread that toxicity around women are the fucking women are the real toxic ones, but what happened? Yeah trusted the wrong Homosexual with your data and now your life gets ruined fuck you Let me try to find some more of this. Okay, yeah. Founder Sean Cook launched tea after witnessing his mother's terrifying experience with online

dating, not only being catfished, but unknowingly engaging with men who had criminal records. So how fat is his mom? Yeah, realizing that traditional dating apps do little to protect women is the best part. Sean knew something had to change that's why he built T, the first ever dating platform dating safety platform for women so he wanted to make it safe for women to date online and he is now the biggest Docs the fuck enabler of violence and harassment and

Criminality against women ever in history The way they all did it to themselves, oh, yeah. Yeah. Hopefully, this will make them think twice before going online and spreading bullshit lies, you know? Well, Dick, maybe you remember this, but I'm old enough to remember that back in the days of when you first got online, it was like, yeah, don't post your real name. Never. Don't ever post a picture. Don't ever do any of that. Yeah, don't post your real name don't ever post a picture don't ever like yeah

I don't ever do that you get everyone like here's my driver's license to a random app that could be all based in India Like surely this couldn't go wrong. Oh Fucking idiots there isn't a single chain on there. They're all doubles in a bug. Yeah, there's not one single chin Twice as many chins as the guy users. Jesus. I'm unable- oh I got blocked. Whatever. Plenty more where that came from. Bitch. Unable to view that one too. Uhhhh... Okay, yeah, look at their driver's license. Height 5'3", weight 200 pounds.

And you had a problem with a man? A call's coming from inside the house! It's DoorDash. Man. Wait, 260! I gotta blow this up. Somebody's gotta do a deep dive on the weight to height on the average BMI of this fuckin' whale hunting app.

That is crazy. Oh, god. Great. Fucking Blastoise, 56182... One nine, five three, one ninety. Man, they're just all built like brick shithouses out there. Johnny. Wow. Five three, what's that, this?

Is it eyes or favorite flavor of spread? Hazel nut? Yeah. Hazmat? This is the department, look at this, US Department of Defense logging in from a secret military base. What is she defending, the Krabby Patty secret fucking formula? What department is she working working for department of donuts yeah this is actually a punch card for the US Department of Defending Donuts loyalty card yeah did this fatso think at any point when she's covering up her USD,

first of all, you don't have a driver's license to send in. Yeah, well that was her way of being like, see, this is how much I belong. This is what I believe in this app. And it's like. Does the USD Department of Defense not have like a trainer on, hey, don't take pictures of your ID and send it. She's the one falling for the fake fishing email

yeah that fucking IT sends out every couple months I love the guys cup unknowingly dating guys with criminal records yeah right sure I'm sure she didn't know about it yeah well they're unknowingly talking to a fat bitch online so it's like yeah

yeah that's the end of the tea scandal I guess man That's funny Ladies don't use don't use our technology against us. We'll stop you you have no idea You have no idea what it took to make or maintain You have no idea how to use it. It's a historical fact. I mean, look at back in like the 90s, right? It's like, oh, I can't set my VCR. It's like, bitch, if you can't set a VCR, you're not getting an app. You're not getting a new app.

You guys aren't making no app to shit on us. Fuck with us. Uh-uh. Your car clock is wrong too, bitch. Maybe this fucked up homosexual will get some kind of Indians to cross the line. He's gonna be on your side. Yeah, he'll be on your side. The good gays will not be on your side. No good gay, no good homosexual is gonna help you, fatsoes, make an app to bash us.

You guys got one of the bad, the evil ones, the ones that are stealing kids. The Richard Simmons kind No, he was cool because he tried to get them to lose weight. I Love that he hated fat people I Wish every homosexual could be like Richard Simmons But some of them will betray us, try to make apps like this. They don't know how to do it.

Hatred for their mom, I guess, I don't know. Well, the stereotype is gays can't drive. Oh, really? So you can't, you can't expect- Because you're always sliding around on the seat. Right? Is that right? Is that why? I imagine so, yeah. Let's see.

Jews threaten Trump? Oh yeah, that was pretty funny. Oof. Okay. Oh, Jews. It's not gonna be so funny when we chop Israel up into a bunch of pieces and sell it to Iran, is it?

This guy, Yosef Junowski? How did you pronounce it? The Times of Israel, I can't believe they would print this shit. Trump and his administration has criticized Netanyahu and Israel, and now the Epstein files are haunting him. For a long time, the files had subsided in the background.

They weren't considered to be much of a threat to Trump. But all of a sudden, right after he started up with Israel Israel the files surfaced and they seemed to be overwhelming him man like if this is if this is like a daily stormer doing dressed up as like a Rabbi and writing an article that would piss everyone off. That's that would be this article Trump blasted Bibi after shrapnel hit a church in Gaza. The church is in a war zone. It was not targeted, rather shrapnel from a near- Oh, don't worry. Please, I'm sure there's an explanation. Don't- No, yeah, you know, it was just like, it's all a misunderstanding.

Don't even waste your breath. Still, Trump berated Bibi and demanded that he publicly express regret. More shit. Trump decided to bomb Israel's nuclear site, and that's commendable, but reports later surface that he rejected the option to bomb for a week's time. Not even good enough, bro. You bombed Iran. Yeah, it wasn't fast enough. In order to finish off all the sites, thus only Fordow was severely damaged while the Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You guys are in for a bad time. You guys are in for a bad, bad time. Man. You know, the thing about the first Holocaust

is the US was there to stop it. But when the US does one, there ain't going to be any US around to stop it. That's the big problem. Who's stopping that? Who's stopping that? Who's going to come in, hey, alligator Alcatraz, this has got to go?

Maybe some space aliens will come in. Then we'll have space alien Alcatraz too. Get rid of their ass And now maybe Trump will realize it doesn't pay to start up with Israel Okay, what a thing to say what a terrible night for a curse I think about that all the time Elmo hacked Elmo Elmo posted a bunch of racist stuff and said he got his Twitter act Did you see that mm-hmm? Yeah, I don't know if there's anything there ah

Okay, okay, who the fuck is following Elmo to fucking like why do people follow Elmo I Did think it was funny that one time a Yahoo news fucked up. Yeah. Then they were like tweeted out something about like, Oh yeah, they're gonna have like a much bigger Navy. Yeah. But someone got the B and the N kind of confused. I had a screenshot.

Really? I only saw this the other day because I was going through my phone and found the picture. I screenshot it and was like, oh shit. Someone found it. And then they pulled over. Wow. We expressed regret for this typo we had.

Oh yeah, sure. Okay. What a typo that is. All right, let me send this to John Briggs Bad News too. I don't know where he is though. I don't know where he is though. They're bringing back mental asylums? Trump is? Cool.

Man, we're cleaning up this. Could you imagine if all the crackheads got... ...got like forced to live in the Scientology building? How great that would be? The solution is sign up all the crackheads for Scientology. Have Zuny fix them. Strap them in. Strap them up to those meters you guys got. Use your infinite slaves.

I feel like a slave in my own house. Folding all this laundry, washing dishes and stuff. The boulder always rolls back down the hill, man. Now I get it. Now I get what the big deal with slavery was. Uh, okay, John breaks bad news. Well, the big deal was that, uh, you know, a lot of management. Management? Yeah.

Did the slaves have a lot of micromanaging? Because you could probably just like, you know, fuck around. That guy's got a lot of people to whip. Yeah. Right? Well, that's like, it's not going to be back here anytime soon. That's why you have to be on top of the management. So that was the main complaint, is people were saying, well,

it was too, ultimately, it was a management sim that was a little too hard, too difficult. You telling me that guy would ride all the way around the whole plantation whipping people on one horse on one horse Well, that's why you got to get your plantation enough enough so that you can hire two or three guys on horses Or do they do the thing is like give your bag to the slave on your left and then he would grade you Like okay, how much to cognitive pick in pick in there? Like out of 10. Yeah. Give me a 10.

I'm sure there's like a real Farmville out there somewhere. Yeah. That'd be cool. Here's, we have a clip guy now taking clips of the show and posting them. That's great. He recently clipped one where I said that drugs are not for your health.

For your health, man. And this is his comment that he read about me. This guy's never done drugs in his life. I know meth heads that are more productive than average people. And also on, keep in mind, he saw a clip of this show on a YouTube that I'm not on and decided to post this. I know meth heads that are more productive than average people

and also people on painkillers, they are making bank because they don't have to worry about the pain of manual labor jobs. They can work 60 hours a week without a worry. Lull, it's easy to say when you are sitting on your ass talking into a mic That's not talking about weed and psychedelic either lol which helped you deal with anxiety depression insomnia Set her a bunch of laughing faces So I guess they're doing you know what dude you never have done drugs in your life that guy said it man

He's the art he knows best, dude. People are on painkillers doing 60 hours a week because they don't have to worry about it. Without a worry, I'm like, dog, yeah, you just have to worry about fucking opioid addiction, you insane maniac, what the fuck? Um. And what does he mean he knows meth heads

that are productive? I don't! How many, are they at like a dismantling factory or something, or are they like parting out like there's a real There's a there's a lot of money in partially dismantling circuit boards Well, although you know they say learn to code Yeah, get that learn how to partially dismantle a circuit board and how to melt all the gold off a circuit board in this

You can work at a smelting factory all the e-waste places I've had to drop stuff off at over the years in the valley yeah man it's always like who the fuck is running this joint and they come out and it's like crackhead the guy who looks like if you left a leather handbag in the Sun for a hundred years he's moving so fast he's like the fucking agents comes out got two teeth smoking a whole pack of cigarettes all at once and just like yeah, I'll take it and it's like man Like this is profit sense. How do you make enough to keep this fucking building going? I think it's a jobs program it has the city pays the crack heads to Reassemble take it to disassemble and reassemble. Yeah, like it boards. Well, so just recycle them

Yeah take, disassemble and reassemble circuit boards. Well, so they- Just recycle them. Yeah, so then all the crack heads off the street come in with the like, here, you know, here's a freshly dismantled TV for you. And then they got the crack heads in the little tiny homes by the freeway, putting them back together for job skills. They got- Learning how to reassemble.

Some guys who like to pick their skin, they have them picking caps and resistors off the board, little ICs and stuff. Yeah. Man. Yeah. Another guy who's obsessed with fire melting the boards down. It's great man Here is what maybe we should start that like our crackhead recycling center And you pay him with just enough like base at the end of the day for the that they come back You know guts stop hurting

Four-person mortgages on the rise as Irish home buyers feel the squeeze. Oooh. Four, you got four person mortgages, huh? Jesus. Who are those four, I wonder? Yeah, did they all have the same last name? Yeah. But are they from different families?

A duel. Yeah. How the fuck are you supposed to compete with a four-person mortgage? How the fuck is it normal Irish person? Who grew up with like a family and a little house in a country where their people have lived for thousands of years? supposed to compete with a bunch of refugees that you dump with a funnel into a single house and then offer mortgages to a four-person mortgage

Yeah, no shit people are getting priced out. Yeah, that's insane You're not supposed to be able to compete with that That's fucking crazy. Four slaves. Oh, okay. Well, I guess I'm never owning a house How do they split they do with it? What are they? What. How do they, what do they do with it? What are they, what are these four people do with it? How the fuck do they split that up ever? Man. They selling it to an eight person mortgage team?

Put your stocks in the IRA. They're about to be on the rise, man. Oh man. Ireland's gotta, Ireland's gotta pop off now. They have to. It's almost too late. Dude, this is the second time in, well, not even the second, but like, you know, this is yet another major time in history where they're just getting fucking raked over the cold. Fucking raped.

They are getting absolutely raped. Four-person mortgages on the rise. Is Irish homebo- Oh, of course, I can't even pay it. Demand for four-person mortgages, where pairs of couple- or- uh-

pairs of couples, or a group, could be group could be Could be audacity of could be like a 20 person family, you know, yeah, you know, it's usually pairs of couples. Oh really? Well, no or four guys Or four criminals. Yeah. Yeah, that's what it how many pairs of couples is it? Uh Zero oh But you could imagine four guys who have zero respect for Ireland to just need a place to live

God like a hostile permanent hostels all over the place ISC mortgages the brand name of D loss has offered the option of joint mortgages with four applicants Burn in hell Yeah, yeah with four applicants. Burning hell. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see, COVID vaccines was probably a bad idea. Yeah. Aggressive mandate of COVID vaccines is a bad idea.

Yeah. Aggressive mandate? That's what Vito's trying to go on. You know, you get your dick stuck by a hot trans woman. No, I don't think so That's insane that is actually Yeah That concert are not helping him at all making it a chance. I would have believed guy They just said yeah, you know like guy okay, at least that's like a I'm trying to talk me into it with this shit right

It's the royal we of it all yeah, it is wow we it's like don't let me into this mother Like what are you doing here is all the comedians all the comedians who moved to Austin? From LA so they could be closer to Joe Rogan, I guess. Hate it, it turns out, because Austin sucks and Texas sucks. It's a shithole. What was the first thing I told you when we landed in Boston? What? Of like, I fucking hate the East Coast, I can't wait to be back in LA. Yeah. We saw no graffiti, no homeless people.

Well, you didn't see any homeless people. Yeah. You know, we saw all this and all I could think the whole time was, yeah. Yeah, I wanna go home. It's no, I just like, it's no LA, man. Conservative stars now regret leaving California to follow Joe Rogan to Texas.

It's no Los Angeles Blair White Oh, is that a hot trans person that we're talking about? Fucking linebacker most fucking weird looking motherfucker Blair White and Tim Dillon Admit, they regret leaving Los Angeles for Austin. God how lame you have to move to a shithole Austin fucking sucks, dude. It's just like feels grubby. Yeah. It's like repurposed like auto-body garages in LA. If you realize something used to be an auto-body shop, it's cool. It's pleasant. Because you can barely tell. Like Salazar's. Great restaurant. Yeah. And then you look around and go, wait a minute, did this

used to be an auto-body shop? There's a big studio that used to be a lawnmower repair shop Yeah, like lots of cool shit all the repurpose auto body shops in the valley Yeah, all the you know yeah exactly there's tons of cool stuff. I keep getting kicked out of my own fucking meeting What the fuck is going on? What is this man? Did you schedule it? Stay in the fucking call fuck you Yeah, but you go to Austin. And they'll go, You know, this used to be an auto body shop.

Yeah, I can tell. There's like still, this guy's still like changing tires over there. There's still a lift in here, yeah. There's a bunch of crack heads over there skinning a fucking tire. I know that it used to be an auto body shop. It smells like it.

It smells like shit. It smells like shit and it's humid as shit, like everywhere else in this town, which fucking sucks. Yeah, it's like living in a fucking fallout game. Yeah, yes, exactly. At least out here you have 24 hour amenities. You have places that are open. And they say live music, like that's a positive thing.

No one has ever liked live music. Every time I've gone out somewhere, right? You know my girlfriend, oh we're gonna go to a nice dinner, right? Yeah. Everything's great and then all of a sudden, we'll hear bands start playing and it's like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Now I'm yelling over the fucking music at dinner.

Over this shit. Over this stew. Over hearing a bunch of fucking fat hippies play a bad James Taylor cover. Like, come on. Like... Wow, the drums are way too loud. Who would have thought that would happen? Who would have thought that? And can you not tell? Yeah.

You didn't bring any brushes or what? What's the deal? You didn't think to just go, hey, maybe just no drums. Maybe just no live music. Maybe no live music. Maybe just quit playing fucking, just play some shit over the intercom. I don't give a fuck. They've got live music. No, they don't. Because there is no live music. I don't know if you didn't get the memo, but we've been doing electronica for like 20 years. Yeah. There's no such thing as as live music anymore

There is there's people making noise with instruments. Yes in public, but that's no longer what music is you stupid fuck. Mm-hmm No, we we're gonna bring back Keith Flint. We're gonna bring the prodigy back and we're Gonna be a whole thing Joe Rogan was the first big star to make the move with the podcasting titan feeling Los Angeles, fleeing Los Angeles, moving his family to the 14th. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tim Dillon was the first to jump ship. It's like this, this whole move was pathetic. All these comedians like running to Joe Rogan like little ducklings. Well all the audio guys are like, we gotta go to Nashville. Oh, that one too drives me nuts. I hate that one. These places suck. It's like no, the reason

I'm in L.A. is because everyone in the, at least in the music scene, everyone has got their eyes on L.A. Yeah, like nothing as good as happening in Nashville or Austin. It's shit. Both of these places are fucking shit. Yeah. Dylan had a f- yeah, it's a horrible city without a soul. Yeah, it's not the live music capital of America. It's three heroin addicts busking with jo- yeah, exactly. There's zero talent here in any capacity. Here's Joe Rogan taking a picture with- I don't know why they trot Blair White around. Uh, like, she's a leukemia patient.

Joe Rogan's looking like the rock guy from never ending story more and more Okay, here's a Yeah, I always hate that like well everywhere is better than living in LA I'm like literally nothing is better than living here. That's what you think but man It's like if you look at the history of the place It's like you have this if you can survive the lows in LA right you can fucking that's where it gets fun Because then when she gets good everything's a blast. It's like you own the city Yeah, stop. There's no exodus. You're not making a new city anywhere Get your ass back here when it shows these assholes to help like no one gives a fuck about you

Yeah, LA is LA because it's LA. It's not LA because you're here. Yeah, no, you're merely an observer, dude I got a bunch of weirdos out of you the trouble with wanting men. Here's something that somebody sent me. Hmm wanting men Yeah, Vito, what is the trouble? men. Yeah Vito, what is the trouble? Uh, alright. Please let me sign up to read the article. Uh, no. Continue without subscribes.

Women are so fed up, oh women are fed up with dating right now. I don't want to read any, do any of this shit. Just let me see the fucking article. God, this is worse than like the toolbar error dude. It is God Okay, I don't know might I might even allow to get it uh It just installs Bonzi buddy on your computer if you try to bypass it. Yeah, I'd prefer those toolbars over this shit. Maybe I should just subscribe to this.

I always get fucked by these gates. Don't give the New York whatever the fuck your money. Fuck them. Here's what they're crying about, women. The trouble with wanting men. I'll read some experts. The trouble with wanting men. I'll read some experts. I was really, this is what these guys,

these women are crying about getting stood up by guys. I was really looking forward to seeing you again, he texted the following week around lunchtime, but I'm going through some intense anxiety today and I need to lie low, frowny face. So men have learned, men have learned that the best way to communicate with women is with all this retarded psychotherapy shit. That's what I'm seeing here. Men have learned that the way you get out of doing anything with women, like with Pedro Pascal, right?

He's like always groping he's obviously fucking that Mary those two are obviously fucking each other but anytime he anybody asked about why he's groping women he's like well I have anxiety and they're like shit we're making up our anxiety too the the old school like frowny face sad face it's like I just imagine like like ditto and Pokemon right? It's just like the blank expression like I was having a really bad anxiety attack today Like a high yeah like level low like yeah like just flip it I love it because they can't say anything to that for some reason It's like a short circuit in their brain accuse you of not having anxiety? Because if you did the same shit to them, they'd fucking lose their minds. So it's like-

Because you can't say like, well I'm too busy. They're like, oh I'd take that, but everything else I take personally. So you have bad anxiety, they're- They- Hahahaha! If they call you out on it by default, that makes them a fraud, so they know. Exactly! And they're- and now so women- Are- these women, these stupid women are saying

Oh, they're just not men. We're all they're manly men Yeah, oh, there's so there's too much anxiety right like yeah, my anxiety is cured by me drinking beers playing video games It's like now. You know how? Everyone else feels about you stupid ass fucks like totally understand I replied, but I didn't yeah, no one would it's retarded But I didn't feeble fallible Looking forward is not longing a man should want me urgently or not at all. I Bet she looks spindly You know, I wow fucking which I bet she looks for Slender Man.

No, I bet you she's whatever the opposite of Slender Man is Slender Woman. It's Slender Man's wife. You can't wonder what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to? Should I not turn around? You can't not see her woman. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to- should I not turn around? You can't not see her! She's all 360 degrees! Slender woman is all over the place!

Chicken tender woman. I still see her! I still see her! No! Like Lauren VR goggles. God damn. That's why Slender Man got so good at hiding. His wife is so fat.

And he's always sneaking out. You know, it's the fucking- the tail is all the time, right? What's that fucking thing? The Jack Sprat thing, right? What's that? Jack Sprat could eat no fat, but his wife could eat no lean. And when it came to dinner time,

she licked the clatter plain. I think I'm reciting it correctly. Jack Sprat could eat no fat? Bro, that's like a- But his wife could eat no lean? Yeah. That bitch should... Bro, that's like a... When that bitch came to the dinner table, that bitch licked the platter clean.

Yeah. Wow, okay. Fat bitch, man. But that's what I'm saying. It's like an old wives tale, like nursery rhyme level of like thing. It's like, damn. So we're just always like, again, here's one of those nothing ever changes kind of thing. Yeah, like oh, yeah, we've always hated fat women Fucking wife. I got a rhyme about a fat woman because like I just need people to know

They got to do a sequel to that game Yeah, like miss pac-man Why is she bigger than the four I'd she get stuck in the hallways Yeah, you got to find something smaller to fit in She gets better as she eats more. She goes the kill screen as she gets stuck Cheated that one fucking Billy Mitchell Totally man Billy Mitchell's being a real cocksucker after his truck Carl Jobs win look it's funny But like again he still was like people still glaze over the fact that he cheated Yeah, he's starting to win. He's being such a jerk. He's starting to win back the crowd. I think yeah

But it's like dude you used an emulator like it's so fucking obvious. Yeah, it's so bad I know I hate him too, but it's it is funny that Carl jobs talked all this shit like oh yeah, and I'm gonna get him every day ba-ba and this guy's like oh yeah Well, I'm gonna make a hot sauce that says go fuck your mom. It's like oh damn like he kind of yeah He's going around like going to extravagant dinners and posting about it and saying I'm spending Carl's jobs I'm spending all his house money wasting it on food. That's funny. That's funny Like again like yeah, he's being a bad guy finally Yeah, a legit bad guy right cuz he got away with cheating at Pac-Man

Mm-hmm, and now he's gonna fuck see that that I can respect I respect that I just don't respect that he cheated at Pac-Man Yeah, I mean do it. It's like just own up at this point. He can up to own up to it He should and then it would be fine. That would be the ultimate win that would cuz then it's like here's Ultimate bad guy shit. Yeah, and I did cheat at Pac-Man Yeah, yeah, and I fucked your mom Carl Jobs Like that would be like the holy shit like if he posted a picture at dinner with her and then said I cheated on Pac-Man too that would be the ultimate like busting a nut yeah mom busting a hot sauce nut on our fucking face you know like yeah other than that I'm like I don't like that yeah cuz he

lied about he still has that original line clean about that then be fine. Yeah, I could enjoy it a lot more again If you just give super killer to away for free. I'll get on board We really need to make a push for just getting super killer to for free And it's like pushing a whale back into the ocean at what point do you stick just load it with dynamite? You know oh dude, okay? Okay, okay get this so the the LAPD I Try to get the story straight the LAPD blew themselves up

Last week and a training facility or something. I was did you hear about this kind of Oh, dude I because I know they're not saying what happened so so I fucking know exactly what happened, and they fucking deserve it. If this, there was this huge, it was a big deal in LA. I think it happened while I was out of town. My wife said to me like, you're never gonna, there's this giant explosion at the LAPD training center. That makes a lot more fucking sense now.

And it killed a bunch of cops. And I was like, whoa, okay. Cool, yeah. So then a couple weeks go by, and I'm driving to get shit for her and the baby, and there's this fucking, they shut the road down for this procession of cop cars. And it's like, going forever, forever, right? So I get home, and I'm like going forever forever right so I get home I'm like yeah there was this it was delayed by 20 minutes for this fucking procession of

police cars yeah you know you know how much they love you know how much the you know how much gay people love their parades right mm-hmm one car after the wee wee look at the lights, woo. Guys, LA Firemen standing on the overpasses with signs that say I'm que- not so many words, not the exact words, but I make huge gay person, I love sucking cocks, they have these giant signs. They don't say that exactly, but that's what their intent is. Yeah. Up and down the freeways, right? They love it. Because they got nothing to do all day.

They're not doing anything good. So I get home and I tell her about this. She goes, yeah, that was for those three guys that died in the training center. And I'm like, let me, hmm. Let me take a look at this. So it turns out they confiscated like a grenade or something from somebody in Santa Monica

Some woman called it and said hey, there's a grenade over here So they went over and picked it up and they brought it back to their workshop and I know this is what happened because every single This happens so many times in LA if somebody finds anything That's that's explosive at all even illegal fireworks anything the cops will come out With the fire department and they will blow it up and they always fuck it up Mm-hmm every single time they use they use way too much Explosives or however they're doing it and they'll they'll take out like they'll take out three or four houses and then just go well

See ya fuck you, I hope you guys had home owners insurance for retarded cops because we're not paying for any of this. Yeah. We came here to get rid of the bag of baggy of fireworks that you guys found. We blew it up, your houses happen to get blowed up. That's your problem, and they leave. They've done this multiple times. So I fucking know they went out took the grenade, picked the grenade up, brought it back to their little cop factory, tried to get cute and exploded, right? And they killed themselves. 100% that's what happened. I guarantee it. I guarantee it. Either that or they were fucking around playing with it. They were, yeah, saying, Oh cool, we got a grenade. Let's go

So they had this big traffic fucking funeral percent not even a funeral procession either moving the part maybe moving the pieces of the bodies from The training center to the morgue I guess But the whole then I realized I was like ah ha ha ha fuck you right I know that's what they were they were fucking around doing that cute shit. Yeah, they're doing cute shit Yeah, you don't blow up unless you're screwing around right? All you had to do is nothing yeah, so it in the ocean That's where all the car batteries go anyways dog. Just throw it in the ocean uh

Okay, I'm going through some intense anxiety right now I need to lie low. That's funny. Yeah man maybe guys should be using that. Mm-hmm. I'm getting kind of it I'm getting I'm having a bunch of anxiety because I don't know if I'm gonna get a handjob after this date. I don't know if my lowered Civic will be able to keep up. But I didn't. It's not long a man should want me urgently or not at all. I was about to collapse into a ritual of frustrated horniness, fantasy masturbation snacks, when a friend urged me to join her and two other women for dinner. Why is food part of her?

I don't know. Let me check on... Okay, so this guy didn't get it. What am I like? Fucking chop liver here. What am I like? Fucking chop liver here? What am I? John breaks bad news. What am I, a fat bitch talking about masturbating and eating snacks? What am I, fucking snack-maxxing and masturbating here? Of course he has anxiety, said one of them, a therapist. So the dumbest one of the group.

Yeah. Who sat across from me at the restaurant because she was so fat. She had to sit all the way across the restaurant. That's life. That's being alive and going to meet someone you don't know well. Yeah, said the woman beside her, a historian.

"'It's called sexual tension. Stay with it for a minute and you might get some.' "'They can't,' said my friend with triumphant disgust. She told us about a woman she knew who was dating a man from another city. After weeks of saying, I can't wait to see you,' the man ghosted her during his actual visit. His explanation later, he'd been too anxious. So he saw her, saw that she was fat and bailed and said I'm just too anxious. Wow. Man. He got away with it. You know? That's a good move. Because cuz again they can't call you on that because yeah, they believe it mm-hmm

Poor baby cried the historian and we all cooed and moaned for the poor whittle frady cat boo-boo What a foot a bunch of? just Odious Creatures they are. Does it mention their weight in this article at all? I think that they are.

Cause she mentioned snacks and they're at a restaurant too. That's true. A fat woman wouldn't mention snacks though. Cause they'd never eat. I think she's skinny and just ugly and old. Oh yeah. Working ourselves into a frenzy of laughter

over men's inability to man up and fuck us. We were four women at a vegan restaurant in downtown Manhattan. We knew what show we were in and we couldn't help but wonder, in a smug chauvinistic way Where were the men who could handle hard stuff like leaving the house for sex? Oh wow there you go That's her in Manhattan at a vegan restaurant yeah for women I

Couldn't think of a more Place I'd rather not be yeah I'd rather be in hell. That was my first instant thought. Four women screaming about guys that won't fuck them? Can't imagine why. Yeah. Because you write articles like this.

That's a good red flag question. When's the last time you were at that brunch, laughing with your friends? Oh, just this weekend. Nope, swipe blocked. See ya bitch. So long bitch. No brunches please.

The therapist mused about the anxiety of needing to justify the phallus. You know, from a child's point of view, it's like, I get what mom is for, but what are but what are you oh god I just I can't even take fucking retarded women. They're like beyond retarded. Yeah. Their brains are busted. Like it's taking me a second to like process like what the fuck like I forgot what hanging around with like atrocious women is like yeah and then you get a glimpse of it like oh god yeah they are how do you what are you even for mm-hmm creating articles and

create and consuming articles I'm a writer you know yeah it all comes back to there's a bunch of them this weekend. Well, because what else are you doing in New York, specifically Manhattan of all places, not posturing? Okay, let me see, get some comments. No, John breaks bad news. What the hell? Yeah, I was gonna see if we could get him to call Vito live on air and see if he could break the bad news that the super killer's never going to come out. Yeah, I guess not.

Or that they're canceling Concerta. Yeah, they're stopping the main fact. Canceling Concerta? That'll be his Joker moment. Like when the Joker got his meds canceled. He's going to start lying to his doctors. They'll start hoarding it. hoarding it. Uh, Edgeboy says if you had just missed one less bonus episode in the past nine years, bonus episode 100 could have been the debut episode of the baby era. Yeah, I missed that one, didn't I?

That's okay. One episode short. You know, you gotta consider batting average, right? Yeah, 99 out of 100. That's okay to... 99 yard line. It's okay to miss out, you know. So what, you fell short of bonus episode or two, right?

Yeah. But, you know, it could be... You could be doing ad-lives at karaoke instead of singing the full song, you know? It's true. You could be. Steven says, the wife of my girlfriend's boss recently had a home birth as she's spiritual. Part of the ritual is to preserve and then consume the placenta

as it contains a bunch of nutrients and because of being one with the child or some other dumb reason, only a woman can come up with. I looked up to placenta eating to see if any of our distant ancestors were crazy enough to eat an organ that's full of bacteria and heavy metals. As far as I could tell, it's fairly, it's a fairly recent trend that started in the 70s by a bunch of boomers. Yeah, they eat the placenta, huh? Well, animals don't eat the placenta, do they?

I don't know. I kind of doubt it.. So it looks gross Smells gross Is gross it is gross. Ah Yeah, no, and didn't I didn't do anything weird. I like I'm on this thing of like don't do weird stuff Just do normal stuff. You know funny thing cuz you get all these people doing weirdo shit. Yeah drinking uh, oh What's the drinking not bleach, but it was um drinking, uh, oh, what's the drinking, not bleach, but it was, um, like the food grade oxygen or whatever. A food grade, blue methyl?

No, not that is, what was it? It's food grade, um, hydrogen peroxide. Oh, they're drinking hydrogen peroxide? In like small amounts, dude. Why? Just cause they're like, well, it cleans your system. It does all this. I'm like, I don't't know that sounds like some weird shit

It's like yeah people are like getting fucked up from this because it's like creating too much oxygen Yeah, I'm sure in 500 years. Everybody's just gonna be walking around guzzling hydrogen peroxide that you guys nailed it Logan says top five shows of all time. I couldn't stop laughing My drive listening today. Thank you Gwimbley says the The Hulkster was reborn into little Donnie thanks to the great magnet. That's why he came out screaming. Yeah, Hulk Hogan's dead. That's crazy, brother. It's crazy.

Chris World, the doctor, has been doing this for seven years. I've got Minecraft worlds older than his career. The oldest worlds older than his career plus school. What a tool yeah that was my wife's c-section apparently not get apparently having a c-section and not getting put under and the anesthetic doesn't work is like a big deal oh some kind of documentary on it I was told all right it's a lot then what the fuck you'd think one would be a lot but apparently it happens a lot. Then what the fuck? You'd think one would be a lot, but apparently it happens a lot.

Like, oh, wow. All right, you heard it here first, folks. If you want a job that you can have and not have to be good at, but still be heralded as some sort of professional. I guess they give it their best shot. Data, whenever I marvel at modern medicine, I remind myself that the simple introduction of a checklist was the most effective intervention in surgery

for like decades. Oh yeah, more placenta shit. Winrar Council Run. Hey, Dick. I ran for city council after my 19th birthday. It was the most fun I ever had. I spent $0, had zero connections, and only lost by 1500 votes.

That's funny. I called my opponent fat so many times I get banned from the local council summits If you are serious about this, let me know I'd love to help out. I attached a screenshot. Let me see this screenshot Winrar well now I'm now I'm feeling serious Council council that it yeah rune war studios Cool. Council. Council. Is that it? Yeah, RuneRoy Studios. Okay. This is the Unisys Hernandez?

Oh. Man, I don't like this bitch. That's for sure. Let me pull this up. Ulysses as her grant does, dude. Is this it? Yeah, this is it. Okay, so this is who I'd be running does, dude. This it? Yeah, this is it. Okay, so this is who I'd be running against, Johnny.

Well, that's easy. All you gotta do is run. She couldn't even keep up with a brisket-sized pace. Today, she says, today the system has once again proven that it upholds white supremacy. Judges are not neutral arbitrators. They can be blanketly biased and racist.

It's never about getting justice for the families of people harmed or, I don't even know what she's talking about. That's, oh yeah, and that's a bunch of people haranguing that. I don't know, I just don't think that LA, or specifically my district, is like laughing at naked AI Trump.

Call me crazy, I just don't think it's funny. I don't think they really care about white supremacy around here. I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. There's no white people here. It's all fucking Mexicans, as far as you can see. There's two guys selling oranges off the freeway. Yeah. Yeah?

This is not a... white supremacy has no hold here. Whoosh! Yeah. I don't know, uh, I don't think that plays. You know, like... So you gotta take that shit to a small town. You gotta take that shit to a small town, bitch. Uh, I don't know, I'll think about it, Ren-Ryann.

That's the other thing too, is people... Also, like, Vito's whole like, I can't believe I can't save the world thing, right? Like, people think they're gonna like save politics, specifically LA too, and it's like, no. The reason you're going is to just like, offset the timing of shit. Yeah.

But it's like- I gotta stop this. Yeah, well you're trying to fix one thing. Yeah, fat women. I'm trying. I'm not even trying to fix I'm trying to slow it down. That's that's it that see that Slow down the fat women this bitch thinks she can fix the whole world through LA, and it's like that's not how It's not how how how anything I stop mufflers from getting stolen

That's how how anything I stop mufflers from getting stolen Now white supremacy, I don't know about wife his white supremacy stealing carb catalytic converters I guess thanks to a wigger maxing but are there a bunch of white people? Is there a bunch of wiggers running around stealing catalytic converters? I don't even fucking banging on them like the women group White men group is that happening that would be funny the catalytic converter blue man group I'm gonna go around stealing lawn chairs I'm gonna start a chair heist go from porch to porch stealing everybody's patio furniture I'm gonna go around

start disassembly and then I'm gonna come in like the Grinch the day before the election with a big sack full of everyone's patio furniture giving him back I fucking stopped wipe I stopped white supremacy they were stealing a day before the election with a big sack full of everyone's patio furniture giving him back. I fucking stopped white supremacy. They were stealing a bunch of cracked out white people were stealing your patio furniture. Andale, Andale, I've got your patio furniture. It's all thanks to me. Right? That would be great. Would that be good. Would that be a good campaign? I? Don't I don't care about white supremacy. I'm the fucking chair goblin is going from house to house the chair Meth-heads are going from house to house

Stealing patio furniture, and then I'd be doing it obviously We're gonna be like look you guys want to know why food costs so much is because this bitch is eating it all Supply and demand simple economics right get rid of the all the fat women now foods gonna be cheaper I saw her eat an entire side of beef at Costco in front of a family was gonna buy it for their quinceanera And she ate it. I saw her eat a whole stack of tortillas like it was a sandwich Saw her eat a whole stack of tortillas like it was a sandwich She shuffled up the tortillas yeah, oh like playing cards and Then ate it she took the whole stack

50 stuck her mitt right into the fucking tortilla bag. I saw that shit with my own eyes uh okay what does this guy say Connor Connor Hughes woman alert woman this loophole is so wild even the IRS won't say about it I love women financial hacks that's where the good stuff is mm-hmm okay let's see I Got a financial hack for you dealership sold her broken car man have you seen the people who have like 20 year leases on their cars that they buy and like fucking 400 bucks a month. Yeah, Jesus It's always those hell cats to what is that dude and and apparently? That that Caleb hammer financial audit show hmm he has It's like every every person who comes through there is a military veteran

Some shithead 20 year old kid mm-hmm who gets four thousand dollars a month for the rest of their life For like anxiety never never combat, never did anything. This is like a huge scam. It is. That these kids are doing. It's gotta be stopped. That's fucking bullshit. That's what I think. And it all actually.

That's what Vito's gotta go on and really show what a scammer's like. He should join the military. Oh, shit. Like in stripes. Military Vito. military oh shit stripes yeah he should join the military he'd probably stay though just a bunch of gay dudes out in the desert yeah it would be good for him they clearly don't learn any structure or anything while they're doing it okay this is the dealership sold her a broken car whoops it's not even going in it's just falling straight out it's a whole what happened what she didn't pull the nozzle out what the fuck is happening here she's pouring pouring gas straight out like she because you know how you pull the little to about

The car fix that too there's no more fucking complicated ass gas cabs hmm Dude everything's getting fixed. It's insane people are going back to the asylums Well again, it just goes to show you like the thing that really pisses me, that pisses me off, is you get all these politicians over the years, right? Who are like, oh, you know, it's gonna take forever getting... and Trump is like, no, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this. Can you believe all the shit he's doing? It's like, yeah, but look at all the shit you guys didn't do over all the years that you said you were going to. And it's like, at least he's giving shit done like I couldn't believe people were crying about the asylum shit like oh yeah That there's people that should be in there if you're crying about Fucking street like their bones are sticking through their skin because all they can do is fentanyl all day to escape the head voices in

Their heads the fuck are you guys talking about Yeah, I saw a bum the other day driving through Koreatown, fucking sleeping on a stolen couch cushion, not a mattress, like a couch cushion, falling off of half of it, whole ass out in the fucking- God, dude, something about like podcasting or maybe the internet has made people, has given people this impression that they don't have to fix it, like that nothing is better than

something. Yeah. You know, like well I guess if we had institutions maybe it wouldn't go great for some people. Yeah. So let's just let them live on the concrete. Like that's not a good... No. It's not working. Get them out of society. Perfect. It's like everybody's become a libertarian where the solution is either perfect or it's no good. Mm-hmm You know, let's build like half jails where it's prisoners, but we don't want them raping each other But we're no rape isn't but no rape. Okay, and then we're gonna send all the crazy people there so they can stop terrorizing everybody it's like Like here you go. Here's like boxing gloves, so you don't pick at your face like it's this very

Yeah, well Insane he's insane yeah, I think it's funny that guy Robert Barnes Was saying Yeah, we don't want to go back to the one flew over the cuckoo's nest era That guy Robert Barnes was saying, yeah, we don't want to go back to the one flew over the cuckoo's nest era. Like that, that, everyone in that movie belonged there. Except for the guy who was there because he was trying to get out of going to jail. Because for raping a 15 year old girl, do you not remember the movie, bud? Jack Nicholson was a bad guy.

Yeah. No, and. And all those people were fucking crazy. It's like the broken window fallacy, right? But like the broken person fallacy. It's like, Hey man, look at all these jobs you could create for like medical workers and like psychiatrists and construction

and building asylums, like plumbing. Like there's a lot that goes into. in can't just be on the fucking street Get him out of here. Uh Whoops, okay, and everyone who thinks they're a bad idea should have to pay. Yeah first or go live there Branding congratulations. Hey dick. Congrats on the kids. I figure you're probably busy So don't really I don't really expect reply, but given your background in marketing media, you'd be the guy to ask. I'm a chef for a resort,

and I was looking to make a YouTube social media cooking channel. I have a digital media degree, so I obviously work at a restaurant. So I have some, what does that mean? So I have some editing and filming skills. Does he have, can he get the audio to sound good? Ah, he left that out.

I have a narrative and theme in mind, but I was looking for social media video advice or marketing if you have any thoughts. My thought is, why don't you go ahead and give me your idea? So we're not just talking about Video mm-hmm. Do you have any thoughts on video and social media Johnny? I hate both of those things. Do you have any thoughts on the audio? Yes video. No Any kind of specifics any kind at all? I don't think I'm a chef. I want to be on the internet

Okay, do you want to be like or just do the racist chef? Yeah, oh Okay. Well, there's your idea then man since you're going fishing. Yeah be a racist chef What is what what the fuck give me? Okay. Here's here's what you have to do There's my advice for media give people something. Mm-hmm. You have to give people something Something that's worth their time not absolutely nothing which is what you've given me here hey can I get some advice from you yeah and what anything don't eat yellow snow yeah what he should do okay here's what you do

dog if you try to fuck someone's wife don't make don't get the husband involved that's my advice for social media leave him out of it well I was like what you should do don't put anything in writing that especially that is be a really gay chef but be really self-hating gay self-hating gay chef that's my fucking media advice what do you mean generic I have an idea and a theme, but I want your advice Give us the fucking theme then

God Or just do tiki shit with like everyone else is running out of ideas Tiki shit. Yeah, what? That's just like he said statues and drinks tiki drinks, man You hit a certain age where you're like man all this rockabilly, you know god Rockabilly I can only listen to so much 80s music. I guess I better start getting into tiki shit What do you mean you have a digital media degree? What's that gonna do for well? That's why he says he works in a restaurant. He didn't do shit

Dammit give me something he has a degree in the very thing he's asking you to do. I wanna be a chef, I mean that's like the first thing anybody, everybody, everybody who's done. Everybody who was once popular online and YouTube and made great content that was big. When they're done and dead, they got no more gas in them, they need to quit and go get a real job. You know it because they say, I want to do a cooking show. Every person who's punched themselves out, they're broken by the internet, they're broken by the pressure, they're broken by the audience, they will signal that to you by saying,

I always thought I should do a cooking show. Because it is no effort slop. It's like procedural Following instructions content that they that they all thinks gonna be easy because they have a good time cooking But it's actually extremely hard because you have to be doing because you don't have to just be good at talking like this This one thing talking I'm not also building a Lego set at the same time, or having to concentrate on something else. So it's actually extremely difficult.

They think it's gonna be easy because people are coming to watch them make a fucking buy, but it's not. Well, you saw me making pizzas in your place. Like I get violent if someone comes near the kitchen. Yeah, as you should. Right. Get the fuck out.

I'm in the middle of something. If I miss this by 30 seconds, it's gonna fucking burn, and we're all gonna burn. I'm in the middle of something if I miss this by 30 seconds It's gonna fucking burn and we're all gonna burn. I'm gonna kill all of us. Like it's just you get It's rage inducing. Yeah, because you're trying to do such a good job Like if it's a cooking with cooking people aren't there to watch cooking they're there to watch My sister's kids watch this fucking watch this black cheetah. He's like a cheetah, but he talks like a black guy Oh, and like yeah, that's why everything he sings his recipes. He's like Chester cheetahs cousin Yeah, what is that? Let me find them. It's like a singing singing cheetah singing

cheetah Instagram Good boy, not yeah here. Good boy, Noah This shit Good boy nosh yeah here you do good boy Noah Shit Good boy Noah Thing no I've seen the fucking thumbnail for it, but I've recognized the puppet guy they like I went over their house They made me watch three three videos on it Did you tell them that people like them are the reason God doesn't speak this earth anymore?

No, they're allowed to like shitty stuff. True. They're kids. This is black. Okay, I'm not playing the whole thing Thank God This is what you're up against This has nothing to do

People watch cooking shit so they feel like they cooked something Right That's it So you better have a good fucking way to tell them that they cooked something The actual cooking is totally irrelevant Nobody's cooking Nobody's cooking Nobody

And even then it's like just go watch Good Eats, man. What's up? With Alton Brown. He's like the guy who digs into the science of it all and shows you like how to make the fucking best shit every time. Oh yeah. Oh man, this guy's cool. Yeah. They want, people want to see a good chef being mean

about somebody's food. That's good. They want to see fucking black wrapping cheetah singing about food? Well, that's why you- You want to see a guy making disgusting food? Don't you like that guy that makes- Cooking with Jack, yeah. Love that guy.

He makes the grossest food known to man. He tried, there's this one video where he has like a shitty brisket he made, but left in the freezer for like a year or possibly Okay, and then his church was having a chili cook off and so he turns that into chili and it's so bad It doesn't even place and then so he's like, yeah, I'm gonna win the you know, I'm like tried to age the meat No, he just had his head on me and he's like I'm gonna use this for chili and then nobody liked it and he got all shitty about it

Watching him get shitty at church people is like oh man You thought you were gonna ace it be ace in the hole because you have a YouTube channel like no you fucking suck, dude Your digital marketing degree is not gonna help you with that I it's not gonna help you make a shitty food and get angry at church people Yeah, like you're asking someone for your digital marketing Oh, you're asking for help in a degree that you already have or in a field you already have a degree in It didn't serve. Oh god. I've heard I'm gonna start a cooking show from so many fucking people and I just I always bite my Tongues. I want to say well just just go get a real job man. Like you're done Well again, that's why you have to be an extremely flamboyant like Dom DeLuise and blazing saddles, right?

Be like that, but then talk about how much like your parents hate you and don't Yeah, you have to like, you gotta be real good at talking You gotta you have to give like a compelling story and it's like if it's just cooking no one wants the educational part Nobody wants it. It has to be the educational part Educational part and nobody wants to be the educational part Disguising the underlying like you're about to crash the fuck out right now because you're gay and no one accepts you Yeah, you just have to like That's their angle. Yeah, yeah better like throwing things around as you get more passionate as you're like Dumping on every no just like all that shit. Yeah, you know

Something that will make people want to watch that they could possibly relate to like Vito. We know. Yeah. He said he's going to do a cooking show too. I don't want to see him. How did not get cat hair in all your food? Gabriel says names for fatties. Hey Dick and Johnny Admiral ass pounder here.

I have a list. Hey, that guy was cool, man. Yeah, he was. I have a list of nicknames for the fatty on your government campaign. I hope you enjoy them. Road rage Boston was a blast. Sorry for scaring you on the cop slide. Johnny.

Amazing. I came up with these at work from the hate in my heart. I hope you enjoy. The community bus, couch crusher, the supreme eater. These are ones I can peel off on unisys. Yes. Look, if I'm in, I'm going to win. I'm in it to win.

I'm going to door knock. I'm going to hire homeless people. We're going to doorknob, too. If we catch you farting, we're calling doorknob on you and beating your ass till you touch a doorknob. Yeah. Yeah, we're calling doorknobs. We're calling doorknobs. During the debate. Yeah. We're calling doorknobs. We're calling doorknobs.

During the debate. Oh, doorknobs. I just heard this fat bitch fucking fart. You know what? Okay. The first politician to call doorknobs on their opponent during a debate. I don't even care if I don't agree with that. I'm going to go into a debate with Eunice's, uh, Ulysses Hernandez in a giant steak costume. And then when she asks about it, I'm gonna pretend like I'm not wearing it, like she's really hungry on a desert island.

The Oasis? I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna say, my opponent thinks that I'm a giant steak, because she can't stop thinking about food. You're... Why are you wearing a giant steak? I look just like a normal guy She's standing over there drooling with a bib on

Gentlemen fat women in this room all think I look like a giant steak because they're thinking about food all the time But I as you can all see I'm dressed like a normal man Like a normal family guy and like you which I am this suit. Yeah Cuz I'm just like you. I'm just like you. I'm not a sizzling piece of meat. Yeah, give the grill marks On my face like a grill mark on my face They have giant let me see giant steak costume Boom this is what I'm gonna wear to my debates Boom. This is what I'm going to wear to my debates. Done order now.

Not this guy. This guy show up dressed like her to one of them to like wear two sumo suits. Yeah, dressed just like her like fucking really struggle. Struggle to get on stage. Breathe heavy to the mic. like fucking really struggle. Violet Beauregard. Struggle to get on stage, breathe heavy into the mic. If I just say everything she says. Yeah. If I survive getting off this stage today,

I'm going to make sure this happens. Like, you know. Which one of us is the real guys? I have to warn you, there's an imposter going around. Oh my God. Get up on stage and that's the first thing Keep your eyes out guys. My name is Eunice's Hernandez, and I have to warn everyone There's an imposter going around who looks exactly like me so if you see her if you see them There's an imposter going around that I'm yeah to eat the whole thing I

going around and I'm looking to eat the whole thing. I... You'll know her because she looks fat. They look fat. They've dressed up. They're trying to make fun of me by dressing up like a... By being fatter than me. By being fatter than me and they look and looking like shit. They're trying to mock me by looking fat and disgusting and disgusting. I'm a full-figured woman and they're looking fat and gross and they're making a mockery they have stink like shit They put some kind of chemical up their ass to stink like shit

It's right. It's gross. They have sweat cheese lines on their dress. I Don't look like that. I look totally nice. I'm just full-figured plus-size. So if any of you see this imposter Goddamn. I am skinning cool. This imposter is fatter than God. As a joke. As a sick joke. As a sick joke on you lovely people. The supreme eater, toilet plunger punisher. The toilet punisher is good. Yeah, the toilet punisher is good. Oreo obliterator, smoothie slurper, the slurpee sucker, fajita eater, taco terrorizer, fajita, the fajita, ice cream inhaler, shoe smasher, pancake pounder, that's good, seed squasher, stitch breaker, yeah, okay, candy cruncher, mega muncher, ooh, the torta-Terrorist. The Torto-Terrorist strikes again.

I'm gonna open the debate. I'll come up there and I'll go, hey, where'd all my tortillas go? I had a big pile of burritos and tacos. Then they're gone and I'll look, I'll spend two minutes looking. Someone must have eaten them. Someone must have eaten the big pile

of tortillas I had up here and tacos. Like don't let this fat bitch candy crush your spirits. Like vote for me. Vote for me. Alright, thanks for all the names. Dustin Nichols says, hi dick you like this. I had to drop off a pile of drywall to the dump. They insisted that they wouldn't take it without a $240 spestes fee. Because I went to the dump. Two weeks ago, had a big pain in the ass. Annoyed, for a few days I came up with a plan. I went to the local department store

and purchased the cheapest handheld GPS they had. I drove out to the sticks. I dumped the drywall in the bush and set a single way and set a single waypoint on the GPS. I then anonymously mailed the GPS Unit to the town hall with a letter explaining it was cheaper. This is like a white person thing It was cheaper for me to dump my drywall in nature than pay the fee and they could go find it if they really cared The whole plan cost me less than half of what they insisted on charging me

This sounds like a fucking crime that you just didn't confess to Bro, this is kill those are jr. Over here Yeah, I think they could track that GPS shit back to your credit card, dude Three years later. No one has knocked on my door regarding this plot That's what I thought until they showed up for my deck. I got away with it knock knock knock. Oh Mm-hmm. You guys were serious about that fuck I Have seen the same place in the bush and it's been cleaned up bureaucrats can go fuck themselves as well as yourself and veto well

Well, congrats. Yeah, get fucked veto gray water dump I drive hey dick I drive entertainment coaches and RVs for touring musicians It's an open secret in our industry that we just pull off an exit ramp in the middle of the night, pull the lever and let it flow out in the grass or dirt. Let me see if this- let me- oh yeah, okay, here we go. Uh, sure, no problem. We're still- we're still live if you want to hop on. still live if you want to hop on. Uh, buh buh buh buh buh buh. All right.

Do do do. I gave it to him. Well, I keep thinking about the, uh, the Dave Matthews band bridge, man, in Chicago. They dumped all this shit. Yeah. Man, there's no other holiday I celebrate other than that one. It's fine if you get caught. It fine if you get caught is $500. But as long as you're decently outside the city,

it's not a lot of traffic. You should be fine. I've been doing it for like 10 years and never got caught. In fact, our tanks have black water, which is also piss. And sometimes shit. One thing I used to do when I had to manually pull the lever is pull it just barely enough so it trickles out slowly over the course of however many hours you drive. Oh, that's great. pull the lever is pull it just barely enough so it trickles out slowly over

the course of however many hours you drive. Oh that's great. Thanks for doing that. Okay, trucker stuff. I'll read that next week. Karu. Hey Dick, currently about to get my associates in computer science. People keep making retarded videos saying that vibe coding is the future or you won't have a job so don't finish school. I think it's total bullshit but I'm not sure. There are also videos that say vibe coding is bad but it's not the majority. The T app does not give hope. I feel like I'm the only person in class who isn't vibe coding.

When I see other people's work presentations, they can't even comprehend basic concepts from the first chapter of the textbook, like knowing how to use a namespace. I use AI, but I wouldn't consider it vibe coding. Maybe fix one or two lines of code, or pasting in error codes to debug instead of hours of GitHub sleuthing. I also use it to explain concepts similar to Google search to save time. Uh, is it over for me. I should I finish school man

People are like with AI shit, it's like All the like Nvidia and all the AI company Nvidia and AI companies are stuck in this loop where they have to constantly glaze publicly the other guys, talking about how awesome they are. Like NVIDIA came out and they're like, Elon Musk's a genius. He- he- he spent, normally it would take you 10 years to set up AI and he did it in two weeks because he's so smart. I'm like well

maybe it's cuz it's easy. I don't think I don't think it's cuz he's smart I think you guys are just lying about how much it costs. Yeah. And it's actually easy and then all the people who are buying stocks are like oh this is this is the greatest thing ever. You've got to, because we spent so much money on it already. It's useful, but the dot com bubble all over again, man. Yeah, it really is. I assume all the people bullshitting their classes will get thinned out in job interviews.

They'll probably be interviewed by AI and the people that actually know shit will get a job. Look... I... I don't even think AI is... The ability to pay Indians to make shitty code has been around for 40 years. So, I don't really think AI is... It's... Conceptually, it's not new you could always out you could always make crap by paying almost nothing to people who will just turn it out and not give

a shit and not even know what they're what they're doing like it's more accessible now but I don't think it's a new idea it's it's for, if you know what you're doing, it's pretty useful. If you don't know what you're doing, instead of just making nothing, you can make something that will fuck up a lot of people's lives, which is funny. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, that's cool. But you're also in a world, and this isn't new either, you're also in a world, and this isn't new either, you're also in a world where the people

who are gonna make decisions about your life are either themselves AI or incompetent. And it's exactly the same. How are you, in the past, you'd have to convince somebody who doesn't know what they're doing and can't do what you do that you do and you can. That's not easy because they can't understand. They can't understand what makes you more qualified

than other people. So you have to like slow down your thinking and figure out how to explain it to them, which unfortunately people who are bad at things know how to do better than people who are good at things. Cause people who are bad at things have spent a lot of time practicing, conning people who are also bad at things. They both don't know what to do.

So they speak the same language. You come in, you know what to do, but when you talk to them, it's gonna sound gay and retarded. Because they don't know what the fuck you're talking about. If you say shit like, well you just iterate, you do it, and then you test it and make sure it works, they're gonna say, K? T-Test? Works? What's that? It's gonna sound condescending to them.

So, in either case, you gotta learn how to trick, you got to learn how to talk to the computer or you got to learn how to talk to the person. Both are beneath you but you still have to do it unless you want to go totally off on your own and the one thing you got working for you now is if you know what you're doing with AI you could probably you could write 10,000 lines of code in a weekend No problem. You could never do that before But you better for goddamn you better goddamn well know what you're doing if you're gonna do something like that

That's the one advantage you have the disadvantages are they're the same as they're the same as they've always been Retards retards are more empowered than ever to make shit, but they always have been able to make free shit for nothing. And explaining yourself to, uh, now it's a- now it's an incompetent, stupid thing that, uh, can't drive. You know, it doesn't- is it fake? Not as a computer. Uh, but you- you still had to do that before. I guess it's just a more accelerated of the way things have always been.

Uh, okay. Parenting advice, button mash. Good luck with that. Parenting advice, button mash. Sorry for waiting until after your son was born. I thought the whole thing was a bit. A lot of parents I know have gone crazy trying to optimize their parenting.

Like they're mapping their skill tree in Diablo. Yeah, man, my Instagram is just like every day telling me how Your baby's brain You can't do swaddling Because your fucking baby's brain needs this and that like oh Okay Let's see your let's see your kids. Let's see your fucking stupid brain bitch. Yeah, bitch. Let's see your kids. Let's see your fucking stupid brain, bitch. Yeah, bitch.

Let's see your fucking dumb brain. 90% of parenting is setting a good example. I don't even know if that's true. Just don't become a fat phone mole, and your kid will emulate healthy habits. Why? They're going to have something way cooler than phones when my kid's an adult. They're going to go like like you're stuck in your phone I'm stuck in fucking cyber land fuck phones your phones are gay. I don't ever want to be on a phone

Yeah, phones are old Yeah, they'll make fun of me for being on my phone all the time, and they'll be in the phone. I'm like fuck you dad I'm in your fucking phone. What are you gonna? Do about it fuck? How does this happen? God damn it good luck on the autism lottery yeah thanks smash the board okay have we got no you kidding me all the call we got I got something at four so in two minutes okay well fuck that guy's not calling in John breaks bad news is not calling in fuck John breaks bad news, he's not calling in!

Fuck! He should have called in and broke some bad news that he couldn't show up today. Yeah, break that bad fucking news. Uh, I guess we just had Fat Watch. Fat Watch, today in Fat News. Bo-do-do-do-do. Of course, the white power town guy doesn't wanna call in.

Power town guy doesn't want to call in All right This one's from coach cake. Oh, okay. Do we have here? He's got she's got backups. Mm-hmm. It's like a shark. Oh This woman is about 300 pounds easy easy she's going down a downhill slip and slide and not moving AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH What is she doing? Her crocodile mile maybe. This is how glaciers wear grooves into boulders. Well look at how she like kind of leans into the fall because if she tried to lean forward and fall into it you know she's fucking breaking something. Hey guys, take two. I fucked up a kneecap. I'm going down this motherfucker, I fucked up a kneecap. I'm going down this, motherfucker.

I fucked up a kneecap. Ow! Oh my God. Ah! What is she doing? Oh, that's a great question, son. Great question. It's always the like fat person yell too.

I want to see how many times she can sit in this chair until it breaks. One, two, three. Three. Man, that thing's going to fold up like a goddamn contortionist. Yeah. The house at the end of. That thing's gonna fold up like a goddamn contortionist. Yeah. The house at the end of- Pretzel machine, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, this is from Atlee. All right, what you got? What you got, buddy? Attempting to finish dinner with Cataplexy? That's her wrestling name. That's her finishing move, yeah. Catap That's her finishing move. Cataplexy. Yeah. Fatality. Cataplexy.

Wide. What the hell is this? Fucking possible. It's a fat, it's a fat bitch that falls asleep when she tries to eat. How'd she get this fat? I think it's the thing where you pass out when you start laughing. Cataplexy? I guess. Oh, fuck you, fuck. Get gold. I'm not, yeah, I'm a fucking gold.

The better a caption would have been like me when I tried to eat the food that won't let me eat it. Haha. This food is cursed. Cursed dish? It's got a protection spell on it. What the fuck kind of fat chick is that? She looks like Bubble bath without glasses?

Maybe I could do some voicemails, too She checked this kovat curse. Okay, so All right, oh shit, I don't want to choose my interests skip I can't believe it's been four years since kovat Wait, let's see this okay three years since COVID okay a whole year since COVID okay Oh no! What the hell, dude? Four years, five years ago? Okay. Oh my God. Okay, so her arm is about as big as my torso.

Yeah. Now, currently. I can't believe COVID was five years ago. Yeah. Okay. Four years since COVID now this one she's got she's still got like cabbage patch elbow dimples. Mm-hmm She looks like Three years since cuz she's in denial here with the giant shirt. It's denial River. That bitch is so big Are you kidding me? Go back? Oh

man, holy shit. Oh It's been a whole year since coven now this she was guys were lying to her saying this looks great Yeah, black guys were there going. Oh, I love thick women. Yeah, you hit the fucking the velvet Vessera. Yeah, that means you're cooked. You're fucking fat You're not a quirky theater kid you're just a fat bitch. Yeah Okay

Goddamn and this is we get two weeks off school. Oh No, she's still chunky. She had a chance Yeah, this is fat for high school kid. Yeah, that's salvageable. Yeah, it's salvageable. You can grow out of that. You can grow up. You can change your ways. You can change your ways. What if there's like a Christmas carol but for

Fallon and like Scrooge, you know? Ebenezer Scrooge. But it's like a fat chick. God damn. Uh. I sent you a good uh you did I Can't remember if it's um Fat related okay. Let's see. Oh, yeah chop toenails Oh the biker guy this one yeah, all right

Cyclists who fucking plows in the back of a police bike. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one That is fuck that motherfucker, man Wham Yeah, what a dog asshole Guy just obliterates his bicycle riding into a parked cop car. I'm not cops parked motorcycle. Good job. How do you fuck that one? Okay, let me see if I got any more watch Park motorcycle. Good job. How do you fuck that one up? Okay, let me see if I got any more fat watch. I need some like articles.

POV personal trainers. Okay, so strike one. POV personal trainers don't have to be intimidating. I'm a plus size autistic ADHDer. I think POV stands for person of velvita. Person of volume. Person of volume, personal trainers don't have to be intimidating. Pouch over vagina?

I'm a plus size autistic ADHDer and qualified personal trainer. Yeah, I'm not a personal trainer. It's like, it's qualified. Uh, fat. You have to qualify it with plus size. Yeah. That's it. It's just her walking and then walking back. They said you're fired.

Hey, I'm here for the personal trainer job. Uh, you're fired. Okay. See you. Okay. Wait, let me do the timing better on that. Oh, hey, I'm here for the, wait, let me do the timing better on that. Oh, hey, I'm here for the personal trainer job. Get out.

Okay. Let me try it again. Oh, hey, I'm here for the personal trainer job. Get out. Okay, see you later. I'm gonna go to the snack-steak snack shack. Hey, uh, I heard there is a- is there an all-you-can-eat buffet? Leave. Oh, okay, well- Yeah, it's actually that way. It's that way. Okay. Uh, hey, uh, did I drop- did someone drop some donuts in here? Go away fatso. Okay. Goodbye

Hey doctor, there's something wrong with me you're fat. Okay, I'm gonna go cry about it all Hey, is there a- is there a Vtuber audition happening here? Get out of here you fat bi- okay. Let's not see ya. I'll go home. Hey, is there like a guy who wants his dick sucked by a hot tranny in here? No. Okay. Yeah, he's out of his bed door right over that way. Right over there. Hey, is this the uh, is this the plus size queen competition? Yeah it's out that door.

Okay see ya. Is this the all men have been gay experiences fucking convention? Hey is this the convention for guys that wanna fuck guys? Oh yeah well I'll see ya. Hey is this where the two babies are that I can eat? Hey, you guys still, uh, can I still eat babies in here? No, okay. See ya.

This song is making it even better for me. I don't know why. Hey, did someone say steak? No. Okay. See ya. He said you made a mistake. Oh my god.

Man, my knees are killing me. Can somebody hamburger help me? No. See ya, bitch. Alright. Oh my god. You know? Yeah. I was visiting my parents the other day.

Uh-huh. Firing up the grill. And you know what I see? What? This fucking grill brush that was invented by a fireman. Your parents got it, got it? Yeah! Yes!

And the first thing I say was, well, you know this thing was invented by a fireman, and they go, we know. And I'm like, oh! Yes! Everybody knows that this thing... Cause it's right on the package! It says it right on the package!

What, the grill sa- What is it, the fucking. It says it right in the package what the grill set What is it the fucking grill saver? It's the grill master like 3,000 or so grill master. Oh my god. I was Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah wait grill grill sponge Save or something. Yeah Rescue the grill rescue. Yes, dude, man. Yeah, it's made by firemen it's made by fucking firemen and I couldn't stop talking about it, because... Yes, it's seen on TV! It's the greatest thing ever, man.

Johnny came over, and I busted that out, and go, you know, uh, check this out. Well... It's made by firemen. I came over, and I see a wire grill brush and so I start coming up I start scraping the grill Yeah, no, and you come over and you kill no, what are you using a grill wire brush? I'm like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, and then you bring out this thing and you go this is invented by a fireman And I go no fucking way. Yeah, and you proceed to give me the whole Infomercial about it and so I'm in tears laughing because I'm using it. I'm like what motherfucker it works

It's great. It's great. It's really good. It's really great and sometimes some of the sponges I've got grooves in them. Yeah, so you could get between the thing get in there. Well, it's all the steam It's the steam you see cuz this the the water the water Makes the metal change and that gets on that gets under the grease and it bubbles and steams and gets rid of the grease Yeah, it blocks with steam. Well Simon tears laughing about this And then you go. Oh, well look at this and I turn around and you're on the other side of your deck Yeah, and you open up this little storage box. Yeah, and you pull out a brand new brand new one comes to you Look to the one you said comes to the second one and I said if I see another one of these fucking things in your house

I'm gonna I'm gonna jump off the edge of this fucking deck like you gotta be kidding me. So there you go What the fuck is this shit doing here? I'm like, you know, this was invented by a fireman. Yeah, we know. Yeah, everyone who has a grill rescue knows You just know yeah, and I was just blown away and again. I'm like yeah, you use it like this and they're like we know I'm like yeah but You guys not see how incredible this is no gone in the days of the wire grill rush Grill you can buy these you can buy these like cheap ass Rescue grilling grout gloves, but I have an of glove so I don't need that

Supreme yeah, uh okay. Let me see if there need that of love is supreme. Yeah, uh Okay, let me see if there's any more but the grill rescue. Yeah, totally valid Yeah, my firefighter great. He know if there's anyone who knows about controlling fucking fire. It's a fucking firefighter Exactly. Why didn't the firefighter invent this sooner? I don't know I don't know, but it works great sitting on their ass Not fucking sliding down that goddamn pole instead of inventing the grill master We're gonna ride this is from nemesis gaming. Oh, no, okay It's not what you want to see. Mm-hmm fat bride Of all the things that could be fat. That's the worst one. Yeah

whoo Oh, no This sneak angle is not inspiring. Okay, so it's a Bunch it's a wedding and there's that thing where they're all sitting at the table This must be the bride. She's fat and the best man's giving speech The best foods mayonnaise is a list of McDonald's items play fish It's just as her receipt play fish without mayonnaise. Yeah Oh, do you got the Dead Sea Scrolls there? No, just her McDonald's. This is her McDonald's

He should have brought in like a CVS receipt. All right, everybody. I was gonna roast. This is my roast speech I'm gonna read the bride's last McDonald's order and all 5000 Snickers bars afterward too. Okay, let's see. Oh! She falls. God damn. Man, come on. You get a do-over.

So the Brides chair breaks. Bro. You could do better. Well, you gotta think of like of like okay obviously this isn't like a proper venue right so you have to think of all the times that those rented chairs have been folded and unfolded in the structural integrity over time right yeah you know you bend a piece of metal and you try and bend it back and it's fine that one time you do it a second time and uh-huh exactly extremely diminishing returns and

man Actually, I heard it was a brand new titanium chair that they just brought off the factory line And she she needs like a stump no chairs Can you bring in the bridal stump please right else? That's a fucking stump Like we're in a goddamn magical fucking forest With that fabulous- Can you roll in the bridal st-

Do you have a bigger chair for my wife? Holy sh- Sir, I've got just the thing for you It's called a bridal stump We have a 300 year old redwood here That she can sit on with enough rings That might fit both of her ass cheeks on It's that tree that they used to have

At McDonald's play places That big smiling tree just that section middle section except that there's a big frown on it now fuck Okay That's the craziest like You get a boulder you get a stump to sit on you fat bitch. Yeah, can we roll in the bridal stump? Yes, well can we at least put a chair on top of it? So people don't think it's a stump? No, you get the stuff you get stump you get the stuff. Yeah, you see the chair Yeah, they're not gonna see it anyway

Dump in your hands The bridal stump in here. Can we get the bridal stump in here? Stump. This bitch broke a... This is a chair buster. We got a stump on our hands. There's still time to get out, buddy.

God. Me, cause I stare at everything. Alright. What's this? Some lady on a... A plane? With a knife? Oh, a belt? Oh, belt.

Oh, an extended belt. Okay. Goddamn. Fuck. It's Orion's belt. Where you going? Where you need to be going that fat? Yeah, not even that fast, just that fat. Ma'am, do you realize how fat you were going? You were at least doing 90 over the weight limit. You were doing 90 calories an hour. That's way too fat.

That's way too little. You were doing 900 calories an hour. Ma'am, do you realize why I pulled you over? You were going way too fat. I clocked you at going 900 calories an hour. I couldn't have been going that fast. I wasn't even going. Exactly. You have two Shamrock shakes in there, ma'am. And you asked them to use a super size, a different mug that's not for shakes.

I know how McDonald's does shakes. Yeah, this isn't the 7-Eleven promo Slurpee Day. Yeah. You don't get it just walk you ask them to put a large shake in a large even though the shake large is the actually the medium yes you're under arrest cardiac arrest yeah you're under cardiac arrest man fucking dying reckless at what's something for reckless driving but not that something with fat

Reckless chicken endangerment reckless chicken chicken diving Okay, is she sitting in like first class I Guess what's this table? Hmm. Yeah, that's like a It's a banquet table. Yeah, it's one of the ones from Hearst Castle in there Vinny Paulino, I talked to him about doing like a quick One-off fat watch we have show that would be great bonus content every month Just like a quick call-in like let's just do the hits and get it out. That would be great

Yeah, maybe we'll try to do that whale watch whale watchers We watchers didn't there we're out of business Someone left a comment saying they would they'd subscribe to way watchers. So if we did it as bonus, I think they'd be good man Yeah, that would be good So I'll send in a sea shanty kind of theme like the spongebob We already have spongebob for what used to be Vito's booty All right, she wanted to cool off this better not be AI It's a fat lady jumping up. Yeah, it's AI. No not watching it. Fuck you gay. I did gay. I get out of here get it out of here

No wrong If you send an AI we're gonna What the fuck is going on here? Oh This is a fucking mannequin I was like is that cloven hooves I see yeah, that's what I thought too, but it's actually a mannequin. Hmm. To make it look like you have an ass? You got- Lady, you're so fat, you got asses on your feet. They're checking out- the boys are checking out my- my lumps.

Man, put your socks back on, your feet stink. Your ass- did you wipe your ass feet your feet ass ass feet she's look at this it's two other mannequins it's two mannequins it's two together it's two regular-sized women mannequins shoved one in each leg and the feet are chubbed together in the leg hole making the hooves look at it make it look like hooves! I was wondering why, I'm like, I can't quite figure out what's wrong here. Like what's...

That... Whoever sent this in, thank you, this is a good one. Bitch! Oh, you're too fucking fat, lady! Cause from this perspective, it almost looks like a normal pair of jeans, but then you look in the back and you're like, wait a fucking second, those are bigger than shit I want to do remember those dot-i posters. Yes

Do those but it's just like a fat bitch God that would be a good series. Yeah, you can hide it put it in your office at work like well What do you what do you see? What the hell? It's a fat bitch. No, it's not. Hey hang on here. Yes No, it's not why would it be what I can't do it someone gave that to me That's insane oh And it's all thick too. Yeah, cuz there's two legs. That's crazy, bro Come on look at how stretched out that even is right so for a fan to that size Them things are gonna be bursting at the seams. Yeah, but you never see a fat bitch with loose clothes

Do you? Unless it's like a jersey Unless it's a hockey jersey. Yeah, we have Dodgers Jersey. Yeah, or a football. Let's be honest. Yeah Why is it that the fattest women watch football? I don't know Like fat women like Dodgers for sure, but we know we know that reason. It's a Mexican. Yeah, that's like it Yeah, that's a you there's no stopping what can't be stopped right? Yeah, but Football jerseys like women who rock football jerseys like that's a whole different kind of like Paul Bunyan built ass different kind of like Paul Bunyan built ass

Okay That's the show everybody patreon.com slash the dick show Join late at night, you know join late at night get a response or early in the morning None of this midday shit. Yeah, midday. You're not getting a response. You do it on your lunch break You're getting nothing. That's what my dad's calling me. Yeah. When I'm working. What are you doing? Working?

Like every time you call me, it fucking do. Wait till some obscure hour, right? Think of when you're like, man, what's a terrible time to send someone a notification? Yeah, right then. I'll be there. Mm-hmm. Maybe John Briggs' Pad News will call in next week.

He better. OK. Bye, everybody. Let me try to do one voicemail. Yeah Somebody says kill yourself in the chat. Okay Oh my god, and I got a new Maddox video. Oh he did it he did like a roast Battle with that weirdo Mike Gams and for some insane reason Mike Gams recorded it and Posted the recording on YouTube so I have it now So it's them like

Comedy roasting each other What a terrible night to have a curse man. Yeah, I'd rather I can't wait to play that Shit, we got to do a bonus episode next week, too What you mean not secure what the fuck is the fuck secure what the fuck is this shit? You mean we're not secure in the compound here? not secure what am I not secure not now oh shit I accidentally did it oh not now something went wrong come on man dick show podcast yeah Dick show podcast yeah right there He no don't set a home address Okay, not now

Why does Google always be doing all this shit always want to know this shit about me? All right here we go Hey day tonight I insinuated a whole flight at a bar to where Instigated showed up. It was pretty funny I tried to leave with a beer and I got Her ass by a woman. Oh, I hate that my beer She dragged me back in and told me you try to leave with a be here with six cops around. Oh, yeah, I

Don't give a fuck. Cool. And and then her brother came in here to the owner of the bar, grabbed my face and like assaulted me. Make out, made out with him. And while driving off, I went, hey, that motherfucker assaulted me. Yeah. I don't really know what the plans of this you

had to drag him out of his house go back there drag him out of the bar fucking kicks ass good one drag him out of the bar steals pants yeah gotta have those pants man you gotta start stealing people's pants this aggression will not stand mm-hmm neither will you without your pants. Hey, Dick, I'm listening to the bonus episode about the kid being born, and God, nurses do fucking make me a rage. My partner and I end up going to the hospital

once in a while, she's got chronic pain. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Partners? Like a gay partner? Partner? You call the guy she? you call your male partner she Hmm hospital for prep hmm, okay partner all right nine and a half We're there for an hour and a half

Nobody else is in the room I'm watching these bitches do tick-tock dances behind the table and an administrator comes over to us He goes you know I just want to get your payment to make sure we're good to go and I said get the one of those fucking nurses over here before I give you my fucking credit card are you kidding me I get a watch they jerk themselves around this whole time and not do any work but they fucking complain this much yeah down most of San Diego one point the nurses strike and here I am trying to understand why the fuck you don't understand that someone's in pain and

you just won't do anything about it fucking nurses man and then of course if you complain about it they'll give you this high and mighty ton of like well I know what real pain is and that's not it like go fuck yourself I'll show you real pain I can't say that otherwise I'll get arrested for fucking trying to do a job go fuck yourselves you're at their mercy mm-hmm you're at their mercy. Mm-hmm. You're at their mercy. I'd rather work with an AI instead of nurses,

even if it fucks up. I'll take it. The thing is, though, this is not satisfying to yell at AI. I assume it would fuck up less. At least it would fuck up right away. Well, there's that. But then it's also like, did you mean this? And I was like,'s that but then it's also like did you mean this? I was like, no, I did not mean that. Did you mean that? At least if you're screaming at a person

You can transfer your stress onto that. You could transfer your steam to them. They got that goddamn Window protecting them. Mm-hmm. Like a horse bedding track. Yeah, you know It's so when you slam on the window and they can shut it anytime and go into a different dimension Mm-hmm. They need to knock out that that panel That wall maybe you should would start getting done if people like were allowed to live in fear Yeah, instead of like ha ha I'm sitting back here fucking no one sees the wizard not nobody not know Exactly. It's like if I can reach over there and pull you in by your shirt close and say, hey, you just fucking gave me this shit.

Then all of a sudden there's accountability, right? Yeah, they gotta get rid of that wall too. The window is that lack of accountability. The window has given them a sense of authority that they don't deserve and that they're abusing. It's like, bitch, this is just- Nobody sees the wizard, no I know how. Yeah, like fuck that. Nobody that anyone likes has ever. It's like, bitch, this is- Nobody sees the wizard? No, I know how! Yeah. Like, fuck that.

Nobody that anyone likes has ever had a window like that. It's just cocksuckers. People are messing with you. Hey, Dick, you wanna know what pisses me off? It's dog owners. Yeah, I'm in between a career change from going to law school, to how I'm going I just got

accepted to a PhD program and I got word from the professor I'm gonna work with he's like hey you can start today when can you be here I'm like oh I just gotta find housing I'll be up there like first of the month I'm living with my sister right now in between and I'm like hey sister I can leave while I'm planning on leaving first of the month she's like oh what about my dog I know you promised to watch my dog halfway through the month actually it's more towards the end of the month you know it starts at the 9th when I'm going I'm leaving but I'm away for like a week which you know pretty much ends up being the last like

last two weeks last week of August. So you're missing out on an entire month of working on papers, pursuing a career you want to have. And I'm like, oh, okay, well, it's up in the air. It's not, I'm not leaving right now. I don't even have a fucking house to go live at. I don't have a lease yet. Even just the very thought of her having to do a little work and finding someone to watch her fucking dog while she lives in a fucking city. You have a full-sized

dog in a suburb. She shouldn't have a dog like this. Uh-huh. So now I You know, so I'm not a fucking shitty brother I get called for my mom about how fucking shitty her her siblings are now. I'm just like them because I'm Hypothetically leaving in a week bro. You start using the n-word now. I get to do your calls to family I'm stay you trying to end word me here half my what yeah fucking dog Uh, I don't get to work on my fucking career that you know Hey, hey sister. It's not my fault you uh Got divorced and the can't find another guy because you don't fucking try Wow Your dog is literally your child

No, it's not get a fucking life Me off hopefully this 20 mile bike ride. I'm going on or Maybe off my my oh Hey, don't fuck yourself. I was with him until he's coming a father. Thanks. Love you Johnny until he... You're becoming a father. Thanks. Love you, Johnny. Well, I almost loved you back until you admitted you go on 20 mile bike rides.

You fucking bicycler, you piece of shit. Don't you? That's rule number one. You could have qualified and it's been like, well, not to be gay. And we were like, oh, you're gay. But you let us down this whole bike trail and then said you're a biker a bicycler. Yeah. Oh man Sometimes you can just tell right away too many women you're talking to too many women Too many women in the kitchen too many women in the kitchen

Not enough wheels get yourself four wheels get off that stupid fucking bike get you a car Get you a car get you a car. That's why they can talk to you like this, cause they know you ride a bike. If you drove a car, you would not get any of this shit whatsoever. But because your ass doesn't have a car where you can get up and leave at any time, you're on a bike,

if you get up and leave, they can just follow you around in their car. Yeah, where's he gonna go? He's on a bike. Yeah. It could be, he's right there. I see him. I see him, I still see him.

I can run up I see him. I still see him. I can run up and catch him even. You know what pisses me off? It's Facebook news reporters. All these motherfuckers have to comment on, oh, Ozzy's dead. Yeah, Ozzy just died. Between that and the CEO that cheated on his wife and all that shit, I'm way more pissed off about that shit than I am with my own current situation, which is just having two

teeth yanked out of my fucking skull. Go fuck yourself. I think he should be more worried about his teeth getting yanked out of his skull, man. Hmm fuck yourself I think you should be more worried about his teeth getting yanked out of his skull man Yeah Why none of the other things have any effect on your life? But if it does annoy me the did you hear Ozzy died everybody? Yeah, obviously I mean phone. I found out the same way you did cuz the phone like alerts you mm-hmm Well, just shake just checking in I

Yeah, I knew I love all the like here's my Aussie story Yeah, I'm like well. You didn't tell it when he was alive you fuck heads like fuck all of you You know I found out though that he was the way he was his condition was Parkinson's He wasn't like it wasn't drugs. Yeah, that did that to his brain and his body is Parkinson's. Yeah, I didn't fucking know that Everyone's making fun of him for drugs. Mm-hmm, but he's drugs were fine. He got fucking Parkinson's. Mm-hmm Well, if you have Parkinson's you can do drugs. Well Yeah, but everyone's at home like getting freaked out and kind of going ha ha look You had all that fun and did all those

Drugs and now look at you, but it was fucking Parkinson's there seems to be a theme of people not understanding the severity of part I didn't I didn't even know he had it Everybody just joked about the drugs, but his his fucking doddering and trembling had nothing to do with drugs. Yeah, I Feel like drugs have been Poorly represented well by him did he say that? had nothing to do with drugs. Yeah. I feel like drugs have been poorly represented. Well, by him. Did he say that? No, I just mean like, when it comes to like lambasting drugs

as a bad, like this terrible thing, he's a bad example of that. Because like it worked out fine for him. It led me the same way kind of. His doctor's like, you have to keep doing speed or you're going to die instantly. I think people were letting that letting everyone believe that drugs messed him up when it was actually Parkinson's was fucking sucks. Yeah. Well, then there's other people who do less and actually fuck things up and it's like, yeah

So it's like it's too so like you have to be the right like again It's finding the right thing for you, right? But I feel finding that out, I was like, ugh! Nobody felt sorry for his ass, because they all thought it was drugs that he did himself, and messed up his brain, and it wasn't at all having to do with that. It was totally Parkinson's, which fucking sucks. Man, you know, it's like one of those Dhar Mann videos, dude. You never know someone's situation until after. It is like Darman

Dick you know how in Johnny, you know Thank you ten ish that era of music was a bunch of like folksy kind of stuff with acting and whistling and Blame Jack Antonoff for that. Yeah, I think something about that kind of music stunted like the growth or like destroyed like testosterone levels in America America. Because I think that's when all that shit started going, hitting the fan and becoming a problem. We need to rewind time to get rid of that style of music. Huh! Was that music?

Yeah, it's like stomp, clap, hey kind of shit. Where it sounds like there's a hundred people in the studio all at the same time And it's like yeah, you know what happened to like hip-hop videos They look like they were filmed inside of a cheese grater with everyone dancing around Yeah, and like the bitches and triple X. Well, so back in the day too, right you had Rap guys that were wearing like quadruple XL shirts that they didn't fit into. Yeah. Because that was like almost a joke, right?

Mm-hmm. You get them all wearing quadruple XL shirts now and they're too small. Too small. So it's like we kind of... Yeah, we lost some... That's the women. That's the end. That's just the... Yeah.

Hahaha. Hey, Johnny. Yeah. What pisses me off is I remember you guys giving out a hypothetical, I think it was you, Dick, where you said, would you say the N-word to defuse a nuclear bomb? And I asked some of my friends and they said, oh, you know, they always say, oh, if nobody's around, right, if nobody's around. And then I asked them some other questions about, you know, like, what would you do to to diffuse a nuclear bomb?

Chat GPT won't answer him. Very oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean I think that's like a chat GPT thing. Mm-hmm. Yeah Yes, save to disarm a nuclear bomb set it for less how much money are we spending? I've set it for less. How much money are we spending making sure AI doesn't offend black people and Jewish people? A trillion dollars? I think that's where the whole budget goes. The entire AI budget is just going into... It's all working off one like 1080 card somewhere.

Yeah, somebody's... Like the codex, the AI codex is from now until the end of the species, it's just gonna be this increasing prompt that protects black people and Jewish people from being offended by the tokens generated by an AI. Because every time it fucks up, it's that. Oh, AI has fucked up! Uh, it said, uh, it compared this guy to a gorilla.

Like, oh fuck! Oh fuck! Where's all the- we gotta give it more money! How can we stop this? How can we fucking stop this? Who fucking cares who could possibly give a shit about this new coal burning engine man? Yeah the money burning fucking Yeah, I said they I said that They I said that that fishing line around New York so Jewish people can go outside on the Sabbath is stupid. Uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh! How much more you got? How much more do we have? That's the only way it makes the news.

Is the AI has pissed off blacks again. AI has pissed off black people again. Oh no! Is there cancer curing at all happening or anything like that? Is anything getting better? Nope. Something bad happened in AI this week. It almost cost an Indian person their job. Oh shit. Wow. Thank God it didn't piss off any black people this week. Ugh. Hey, Dick. Something I just thought about, man. Whenever you...

You know, this whole hearing shit started going downhill, whenever you started getting tinnitus in your brain or in your ears, whatever it is, I think it happens after episode 430, man, when you had that crazy cat girl. Ah. Her boyfriend fought a stereo way back when. Yeah. The early stages of TVS.

I think that's where it all happened, man. What Let's see what happened for like 45 minutes about nonsense and maybe that was That's probably the culmination of all this. Yeah, I found a I found a specialist who actually Has treated hyperacusis in the past hmm and not very many of them because there's not very many people have it But I don't know he's got know, he's got a whole, he's got a whole thing I'm doing now to try to get better. I don't want to get into it, it does, fucking sucks. I got to shove all kinds of weird stuff up my ass. Right, yeah, that's usually how it goes.

And that's not even, the worst part's washing it, if I'm honest. It's not even the shoving it up my ass, it's that I usually how it goes. And that's not even the worst part's washing it, if I'm honest. It's not even the shoving it up my ass, it's that I have to wash it all afterwards. Is that he doesn't pat you on the head and say thanks afterwards? The worst part about shoving all the hearing stuff up my ass every day is that I gotta wash it afterwards.

Yeah. Cause I hate that part worse. We go, you gotta be one of those people who walks into a bathroom and then you wash your hands before you touch your dick. Yeah. Versus go in, touch a dirty toilet, or just touch your dick with dirty hands, and then go wash your hands afterward.

Cause God forbid, you know? Yeah. I go, whenever I go into the bathroom. I see people washing their hands Mm-hmm I go what do you what do you just shove your hands up your ass? You have your fingers up your ass they did I try to put them on that you know put them on their heels They were doing the whole little fucking maneuvers and yeah process cuz I'm not gonna wash my hands. I don't care Not in that not out not at like the airport or Dodger Stadium. I do it at home. I think it's dirtier to wash your hands

at the LAX or the Dodger Stadium. So I go, what are you, you washing your hands? What did you shove your fingers in your asshole? In your ass in there? What did you fucking wear your asshole like a bracelet? What are you playing with your, playing with your ass in there? And they're always like, what?

What are you touching poop over there? What are you playing with your- playing with your ass in there? And they're always like, what? What are you touching poop over there? What are you doing? What are you playing with poop? Are you playing with some poop? Hahahaha Why are you washing your hands? Are you playing with poop in there? You fucking got shit all over your fucking hands, didn't you? You missed a spot.

You were almost about to touch your face. Alright, goodbye everyone. What are you playing with some poop in there? What are you, touching poop? Wait, that's weird.