The Dick Show - Episode 488 Dick On Cursing On The Moon

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Batteries get dumped into Africa, the antisemite of the year award, liquor and machetes for the homeless, a post-stabbing N word defense, terrorism notes for the New IRA, women most affected, a meat skimping conspiracy, blue collar career advice vs. pornography career advice, Furry TMZ, a mystery pooper, the declining quality of Mexicans, why Manny Muskets talks like that, and more Maddox confessional chats; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

I don't know what's funny anymore. I don't think anything's funny anymore. Oh, I brought in some good brain rot. Oh, good, okay. I got... I got this one guy who our banger is a new IP. You're going to love that. It's at the intersection of autism and anime.

Much like every other IP ever... Dude, that guy Hayden Blaze, One of our, well, one of the fans of the show. He hits me up all the time to give me updates on Toby Smiles. Yeah. And now grocery stars. No way. Wait a minute. Hold that.

Yeah. Okay, good. Good. Yes. What's that? Are you vaping him here? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Okay. I was like, are you dying or are you vaping? I would never sneak a vaping. Do I need to call the hospital? Okay, there we go. Throw me out on the curb and then call shitty. Oh man, like, Stereos wanted to smoke a cigar in here. That was probably the funniest thing that ever happened in this fucking studio.

Stereos wanting to smoke a fucking cigar. You couldn't even... Let me fire this... Oh, wait a minute. I don't think I fixed the... I didn't fix it. Dude, I found this in my brain rot, deep dives. There was only one thing. host of it. But there's this

meth head lady in recovery and she had a relapse and took apart her boyfriend's laptop out of sheer paranoia and found fingerprints on some of the stuff inside and was like see, they're in there. I knew it. They were in there. Who's in there? Elves or

aliens? The machine elves. The machine elves are in there? Yeah they are. Somebody's in there. Meth heads are fucking great. It's really too bad we can't harness them. There's They're unharnessable. If we just told them that there was copper in the Middle East,

if they went to... Well, the problem is all the meth heads know it's shitty copper. The problem with meth heads, yeah. They'll figure out a better way to do it. They all are somehow aware of Ian Nassar's, Ian Nassir's, shitty copper. Have you ever seen those, like, the first complaints or like the oldest complaints we found...

Here we go. We're on. What old complaints? So they found these old stone tablets and the rough transatlons. So they found these old stone tablets and the rough translations were like, yeah, this guy, E. Is the Meth Moses that you're talking about?

They found stone tablets? So get this. Oh, okay. The tablets indicate... Did I fuck this up? Shit, I think I might have. Let me see here. Reddit guy's gonna fucking put this in some stone tablets.

But basically he had the shittiest copper and it was so bad that people carved it into tablets. Like, hey, this guy's an asshole and his copper sucks. So if we tried to send meth heads to the Middle East for copper, somehow they're probably already aware What in God's name are you talking about? Say it again. Okay.

Stone tablets. I'm sorry, I was paying attention to this stuff. All good. So this guy, ancient guy in the Middle East, right? Okay. Jesus. For all intents and purposes of Jesus. Okay. He's actually in this mining game this time. Okay.

He produces such shitty copper that they leave Yellow reviews in stone tablets. They gave him a bad review? In stone tablets. I love those. I do too. Like the cuneiform, the just bitch is a hoe. She, her pussy stinks.

Even back then... Zsios Mosinrath. That's the most time is a fat circle shit I've ever seen because it's like, yeah, even back then, we're like, man, can you believe that these assholes are reading books now? This guy's copper fucking sucks. I want everyone to know that. I'm going to write it down.

Fuck this mother... Well, so that's why, in terms of harnessing meth heads, right? It's not like we could send them all to the Middle East because I feel like subconsciously that they're aware now you're going to get bad copper if you go out there. Because they know. They know. They'll know from the cuneiform tablets.

It's like you... The copper will be bad out there. Once you hit that crystal meth, you get like the little crystal above, like the Sims character, but you tap into that... You learn the crystal math. Yeah, you tap it to the board.

Tap into the hive mind. We need like an Elon Musk of meth heads. That's just talking about running... You know, that guy's always talking about goofy power stuff. He's talking about dismantling rockets and stuff. Yeah. Man, I know that USSR's got all these rockets. If we just took those apart,

man, you know how much we can get for scrap out of them? Yeah, somebody's who's just amassing like the biggest pile of circuit boards in, in, you know, LA, in the world. I guess India's already doing that though. It's hard to compete with them. Did you see that all our recycled car batteries go to Africa? No, they do? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Where in what lucky African shit hole is storing our car batteries? Are you serious? Yeah, if you look it up, it's fucking crazy.

Because there's all these videos of just these African guys with all these car batteries and they're hammering them apart and pouring out all the water. Okay. It's like one of, yeah. Recycling lead for U.S. car batteries is poisoning people. Oh, no shit? Yeah. Is that, you mean that's not being done on the up and up? Recycling the lead out of car batteries is not being done out of a $50 car battery.

That's not being done up to the standards of a white liberal, a white coffee shop liberal, really? Yeah, who would have thought? Oh no! Yeah, look at this shit. They're hacking them up with machetes, dude! Yeah, and they're just pouring out the water inside and then fucking tossing pat. Oh, no, really?

One of my favorite memes ever, and for all you car nuts out there, is you throw your used car battery, yeah, you throw your used car batteries into the ocean. Yeah. It turns out that might have actually been the better option. We're actually doing that. We're throwing them on black people.

Yeah. We don't... The machete! Yeah. No! But in Africa's lead recycling capital, the reality looks very different. What was the lead in for that? Oh, this is what the auto industry wants you to see.

Sparkling factories, an old white guy pretending like his co-workers, his daughter, you know, telling her, this is where the quiz bar goes. This is a family business. So if you turn a jug like 40 degrees to the side, the water is still going to be at the same level as the ground. She's like, oh, let me write that down. Water, same. It all goes back to that. Yeah. Everything goes back to that graph.

Yeah, girls dancing around at the workplace, showing off their sweaters. They should show the water and the battery when it tips over. Yeah, you tip the battery over and it goes like this. But this is what they want you to believe, but this is what it actually... Two of the blackest skinnies wearing... Cleaning lady... Red rubber gloves, which I didn't ever seen before, throwing car batteries out of a

out of a rape van and then hacking them up with a machete to get the delicious juices inside Oh you were right Then they drive them away to another place Where they take them apart further This man has a This guy right here Johnny

This black guy right here Has a blood lead level Five times as high as what's considered lead Poisoning Well what do you want us to do then You guys did this. You're the ones that said, hey, we got to fucking recycle everything. Throw it in the, fuck, throw it a hole in the ground? No way. We're out of holes. Can we make more holes? Ah! Shipped to Africa. We got to recycle this shit. I don't think so. If we have to do it, we would have been doing it already. I don't think we have to do that.

So that's the crazy part. Then it makes you think about all this newest scam of, oh, buy a property in Africa, right? Oh, yeah. You're going to buy a fucking... Battery facility. Yeah. Where the water's made out of lead. Your water table is going to fucking kill you in two months. Yeah. This child three times, this child three times is high. Yeah, they're dead. They're fucking dead and no one cares.

The dirty lead goes into American cars. Oh, okay. I'm sure everyone really gives a shit about this. This insightful piece on lead battery recycling. To bring it to your attention shows that you're usually on the tip of all this shit, but not. I mean, you know, it's the specific. of the scams. Right.

I don't know. Directionally, fair. Directionally, I understand, I understand the scale of things. Like, if somebody says, I want to end hunger,

I think that's just not, there's a lot of hungry people. There's a lot of hungry people, and most of them are assholes. So if you try to feed some, half of them are going to kill you and try to sell the food to the other. Like, this is very,

the scale of what you're proposing is beyond beyond our is beyond the control of an individual it becomes statistics correct becomes the mob if you want to if you want to do something in a certain scale it becomes statistically important what's happening you know get women and computers yeah that's great uh they don't know you know

they can't do left and right without holding up their hands statistically so that's going to be an issue if you want to make any rockets in the next 50 years that's going to be a big issue throwing up the old LR thing. Might want to rethink that. So when you say recycle batteries, I say that batteries are disgusting. Look at them.

And there's so fucking many of them. There's a lot of them, actually. There's more batteries. Almost everybody has one. At least one. Everyone has at least one car battery. And if you think of like a big box store or like Costco or something, whole fucking half a warehouse full of car batteries.

You go to the airport, everybody's got luggage. Does that seem like an efficient process for you? but does it seem like it's chaos pandemonium shit getting hacked up lost fucked up it's like that but batteries

the whole globe we chop up your luggage and dump it out man to the airport in Cairo this is related I guess because it's halfway between here and Africa

is I stopped off in Cairo and I went from I think I forget if I went from Israel to Dubai or Dubai to Israel I stopped off in Cairo I had a layover

a layover for like six hours I'm like I'm gonna go see the pyramids, you know? I'm never gonna come to Cairo again. Why would I not bust my ass, leave the airport, take a taxi? I'm just gonna, I'm gonna bone out of here with my backpack, with my travel backpack that signifies I'm a cool globe-trotting guy. You know, I don't got no luggage.

I got a backpack. I want to hop out of here with my backpack, get in the cab and say, take me to the pyramids, right? And mostly, it mostly worked. The pyramids were, uh, it's just a, it's a total, Cairo is a total shithole. Yeah, it's a fucking dump. It feels like it's a badly constructed call of duty level.

Like the freeways are going through buildings. People are going backwards on the freeway. Like the AI is broken. They're reversing down the on ramps. It's just total chaos. I don't know who taught them to have freeways, but they should unteach them to have the freeways and remove them. And it's all of this trash.

The city of Cairo, which is garbage, all of it stops like a, on a shoreline, and then there's the desert, and then there's the giant pyramids there, and the sphinx. So if you take pictures from one angle, it looks beautiful. It looks beautiful, but if you just turn your head,

you know, slightly and your binocular vision kicks in on the side, you're reminded of this, like, this, like, zombie-esque encroachment of garbage. Oh, yeah, and my point was, when I went back to the airport, and I said, like, oh, okay, here we go, we do the bags, you know, like TSA, right? Where you go, oh, yeah, there's a nice line, Everybody hates the TSA in America, and I do too. It's just pointless.

You get in the line and go, and I was like, okay, so where's the line? And somebody was like, oh, go, go, bag on there. I'm like, what? It's just a mob of a frenzy of people clawing like animals at the luggage, ah, ah, and throwing them into these giant machines that are presumably x-ray machines,

throwing them in there, and then the other side, they dump out in like a ramp, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a cranberry slow or whatever that like it's pouring out of a like it's pouring out of a grain silo you know and not like ah ha ha all these middle eastern are grabbing at their things like oh wow this really this is fucked man this is really fucked that it's i hate this city best in the brightest man what are we talking about batteries some recycling batteries yeah recycling batteries oh and the scale of things too the scale of things uh oh god okay i have a major let me play the theme song for

I don't want to get too carried away. Do do, do do do do do do do do do do do do Do you Do I throw up on my shirt Yours are mine babies I wish it was mine I would like to have

Yeah Welcome to Dick You want to take you love dick You need it You need it, you got it What is it? What the hell is the beginning of the show? You want Dick you love Dick

You need it Dick, you got it. Is that it? Coming to you live from Mountain... Coming to you live from Mountain Bunker, Deep in the Hoda City of Failure, my host, Dick Mason. AKA the $20 million man, joining me, as always. Johnny, the audio engineer. What's up, man? What has happened, Dick?

How you doing, man? I want an entire pack of cigarettes. I'm smoking like Homer Simpson. Pan-flut them? Like, all 20 at the same time. Pan-fluor, yeah. I don't know what it is about, having a baby just... God, it makes me make you want a fucking cigarette more than anything in your life.

Smoking's cool, man. I don't want to tell him that, but it is. Say, son, you can't do this, but fuck. You haven't paid enough taxes to start smoking. You haven't paid enough taxes. When you start paying taxes and a lot, I mean a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. Then you can start smoking. I'm telling you, man, I don't trust a doctor or a mechanic who I don't see smoking.

Yeah. I'm with you on that. If you've never had a doctor that's had to make a decision where he's like, I need a fucking smoke. Yeah. That's like, you never made a choice in your goddamn life.

You never made a tough call once. Dude, these doctors, I saw pictures, it was some cutesy picture of two doctors who had passed out on the floor of the operating room after doing 36 hours of surgery.

And I'm like, what the... Soft. Man, these guys are living another life. Like, they are, they're like slaves in a lot of ways, doctors.

Like they can't get out of that They're always on, yeah They get sued constantly And they fuck up and kill people a lot But you know, they're trying to They're trying I don't know about their best It was like that with her birth

That guy was in the hospital For like 36 hours straight and I was asleep Like are you on Number one are you on drugs And number two Why do you How are you guys not getting paid more? Again, see old doctors

You get paid more But you fucking You're out there smoking packs of cigarettes Yeah A pack of cigarettes is the least of your problems there, buddy. Way Watchers 4. I can't wait.

Me either. When? Did we say Thursday? Yeah. We're doing a Thursday, the stream? Mani Muskets was going to come on, but he said he's busy. He has some kind of an NACP activity or something. Let me join here. He said he was going to call in today, too, but I don't know if that's happening. It's Christmas time.

Is it? Yeah. Here, let me start. Let me start you off with something Christmasy, Johnny. I like that. Yes, Christmas time is here. Christmas time. How about a Christmas sweater for you? Oh, oh my God. That's a big...

That is a big bitch. What do you think they said in the... In the photo direction. They said look like Amy size 500. Shumer. Wow, that's a big bitch with a Ho, ho, ho, ho, Christmas sweater, pink one. Here is, is this another one?

I think it's the same one. This is a more, more agreeable bitch. This is before and after, before and after eating, right? There's the, oh, I'm ready to get, I'm ready to get snosogy. That's this one, and then here's just a,

oh, how about me and my nice sweater? Sorry if you're listening in the car, you know, you can't see this fat woman in this green Christmas sweater but... Yeah, just imagine like a...

What, like a mountain top? Yeah, imagine a mountain top wearing a sweater. Imagine a mountain wearing a sweater. With a white pumpkin sitting on top of it with a wing on it. The sir, I have been cock-blocked by

free Santas all week, I think, teasing me. They had an Indian Santa at the... At the meditation center up the street. There's some Herkrishna center where... Fucking pisses me off so much.

You know what really pisses me off about it, though? Right? Like, it's a Hare Krishna... It's a hair-Krish center. Or all the OCD people go, yeah. Is that where they go? Because then they just get to repeat things all there, yeah. There's always a bunch of Indians there,

and then, like, an old white lady will show up. That's... Every time. Every time. And they buy up houses, They're always walking around. And they got this big, they believe in, like, coming back to life as other things. Well, they believe what was meant figuratively as literal.

They think you're literally getting reincarnated as a fucking dog. That's like an autism thing, right? Yeah, or a bug, right? Like, they believe, I don't know how many of them believe it, but probably all of them. They think they're going to get magically reborn as a horse or something. I don't know. which they're already at the top then. Like it really, it's really egotistical

to literally believe that when you're already human. Like what are you gonna... Yeah. So you did so good as a worm or something you brought? Anyway, they have this, they have this giant, gigantic lawn like a football field.

At the top of the mountain. They've got like... Oh, you know what I've seen that? Dude, it's beautiful grass, right? So we're over there checking out this flyer for the free season. Santa. Free Indian Santa. I'm like, baby,

this is, Harry Christian is talking to us. He's telling us we got to come to this Christmas event on Friday. They got a Santa, free Santa right here it says. And she goes, I don't want, you think it's going to be an Indian Santa? I hope it's an Indian Santa. That would look dope. They fucked up, not calling it Harry Christmas.

They did. My dog's going nuts. Trying to get in there and messing with the guy and the Indian guy's like, oh, you're being weird. dogs. You never know with foreign people. You never know what their deal is with normal like dogs. He thinks your dog is

dirty. Is that what it is? Because he's like, he's acting all weird. I'm like, what are you fucking are you trying to put the moves on my dog? What is wrong with you? Why are you spazzing out? You're in a neighbor, you're in a white neighborhood. There's tons of dogs here. They're all acting like that. Do you do this every time one comes

by? Maybe if you covered her in cow shit, he would have been more accepting. So, I'm like, oh, maybe we could go walk around. He goes, oh, no, no, no, no walking on the grass. I'm like, oh, yeah, not the, not the, okay, no dog walking on the grass. You know, that's fine. And he goes, no, no, no going on the grass at all.

No sitting on the, on the grass either. Like, you guys have, your whole religion is built on like not being a cock sucker, specifically just not being a cock sucker. And you won't even let people walk on your precious grass. Like, do you know, do you know how fucked up that is in your head? Do you know how fucked up that is? It's always an HOA. At the bottom of every, once you get deep enough in any sort of religious group, it's always a fucking HOA.

Here's one. I go to make sandwiches this week. Today? Did you ball them up? No, I should have. How many pieces of meats are in the meat, the deli meat of the sandwiches? Always. Enough to it's correct.

eight. Always. Four and four. How many pieces you put on a sandwich? Four. And then you got enough for the next one. And I know this, I know this very well, because I've been making sandwiches by myself, like a loser, for lunch, for like

30 years. Okay? So I know I know exactly what the sandwich meat ratio is in a pack of deli meat. It's always been eight. Sometimes you get that family size shit and you can't keep track of it all. I don't know if it's are in that. Normal ones, the normal ones that are flat.

Okay, yeah. Always eight. Because sometimes I'll pull out an extra five and they're like, well, fuck future me or fuck who's ever getting it next. There's only three. You'll have to go. And sometimes I go, fuck, I fucked myself with three. I got to open another one and get, you know, somebody, I'll take a half a slice of that one. Always eight. I go to make one today for me and my wife, pull it out. Fucking seven. What? Seven pieces of meats. The fuck is that.

I've been tracking it. Because this has happened to me. I've started noticing this happening to me too often. I've got 12-7 today. Applegate. 1130, Applegate, 111. The Applegate organic meat packages are shorting everyone on meat, Johnny.

This is a big... This is a big conspiracy that I'm going to get to the bottom of. That's fucking big. Because remember when one of the airlines was like, oh, if we just like took two olives out of every salad, we'd save like a few million dollars? Yeah. That's what they're fucking doing. They're fucking us over with the extra meat. They're no longer including an eighth slice in this shit.

That means every eighth pack for them is a free... Or no, every seventh pack at this point. Someone's getting fucked on half of their sandwiches. Yeah. Because now you're getting a little mealy sandwich with no meats in it at all. You might as well eat a red delicious apple. You might as well use all seven. Now it's one pack a sandwich. That's ridiculous

That's actually I'm gonna write a CUNY form Review of this if you leave it in stone tablets At least someone will find it nine million years of the future and go wow This Applegate brand whatever that means is fucked And then I I go to the store Fucking Mexicans man

I go to the storm I don't even have to go to the store to come to that conclusion They're getting worse they're making the Mexicans are worse I don't know what's going on The race to the bottom has started Now the Mexicans don't even understand their own shit Their own language That's... You know?

You continue first Because that shit has been driving me fucking crazy too Right? Now the Mexicans have become I don't know what language they're speaking Like how are you more helpless How'd you get worse? You guys were pretty bad

Yeah, bad firmware push Now you're worse Did they take all the good ones? They must have taken the good ones They got rid of them All the industrients ones went home. Yeah, there's always like one liaison. If there's a

group of Mexicans, there's always one that can like talk to white people somehow. I don't know why not all them can, but they can't. Only one can. Every set of neighbors I've had for the past, there's only, I can only talk to the son

who still lives at home. It's like roughly my age and we're both kind of like ah, hey man, like sorry we've had to, it's like. The other ones are like living in another dimension. They're living in like a hyper-mexican reality where they're speaking like in a different phase or something, but they won't interact with you at all. They only have one that's their ambassador. Yeah.

That you can deal with. Anytime you're doing something, if they come home at the same time, which is anytime you're doing something out front, they all stop and stare at you blankly as if it's your first time on the fucking planet. Yeah. It's like, I'm just putting some window washer fluid in my car, but it's like they gawk at you. Like, could you believe? Until the one comes out and shuffles them along.

Yeah, and it's like, hey, idiots, like, go inside, and it's just like, man, what the fuck? Why is there, like... I got a store to try to get carnitas out of meat. It's just like, well, which... Okay. You want it to... Marinated? And I said, yeah, preparada.

Preparata. Yeah. Preparata. And I'm doing shit on my phone, because there is... Between puking. Puking and working. and health insurance and property taxes. I really feel like my head's going to fucking explode.

I got to puke a little more. One more puke. I'd have to take an emergency bath today because of the sheer amount of shit over me and my son. Oh, shit. I'm changing him. He's covered in shit.

His pants are, his little outfit, like his little sleep outfit is so full of shit it's like leaking out the zipper part my wife goes oh no his

I unzip it first of all I unzipped it the wrong way because there's those baby's clothes like they zip up from the some of them zip up from the foot I don't know why all of them don't zip up from the foot because

when you get ones that unzip from the top it's a way bigger pain in the ass than just zoop getting in there scooting in there from the bottom right pulling his little pantaloons off and then some of them zip up from the bottom they don't come apart

at the top like a jacket they just jam so I take his little onesy thing start at the bottom I said oh this will be okay I'm going to do something nice I'll change the change the baby because he's obviously he's shit so loud that the dog got up to come investigate I'm like all right this is going to be a bad one it's like

but I got like 20 minutes for the show it's okay I got time yeah she thought it was you yeah she thought like shit on the couch again oh shit like one of those life alert dogs you're trying to pull you on the couch and it's it sounds like

I don't know baby shit it's because it's in like the butt cheeks it's just and all of its diarrhea always so it always sounds like this wait you can have solid shit I didn't know they don't have solid shits

the best you're going to get is chalk and that means there's something wrong. That means he's dehydrated or some fucking thing. And we took this. Did I tell you about the gut test? The fucking gut health test shit that I got sold? The doctor says, well, we got to figure out what's wrong with the stomach. You want to do this test?

I said, sure, because it's 300 bucks. Okay. That's three days. Yeah, okay, fine. And it came back. Because he wasn't, you know, well, you actually. caused this. You got in my head. Oh shit. You, because you told me C-section

babies are all fucked up. Oh, yeah, they are. And I looked, and that is true. And I said, oh, no. So she goes, well, he was, the doctor said, well, he was a C-section baby, so his gut bacteria might be all fucked up. And I said, oh, no, that's what Johnny said. He's all fucked up. Oh, no.

And she goes, because and I said, it's because of the pussy, right, Doc? It's because he didn't get all the pussy in his mouth and the pussy in his gut. She goes, we don't call it that, sir. We call it the snatch. Because we don't call it that, sir. And I said, yeah, I need to give me that pussy test.

Test is stomach for pussy. That's what they're doing. For $300, it's called the baby stomach pussy test. I think the medical term is unwoven salami parfay. It's called the baby stomach unwoven salami parfay. I hope my nephew's not listening to this episode. Every once in a while, my brother-in-law will fire up an episode for him randomly. I'm not going to say anything.

I'm not going to say it to give him a warning on this one. All the nephews got sex ed class now. All of them are through sex ed because they're in whatever grade that is. So now we got a limited amount of time before my son can understand to get real wild, right? Now, jizz. I can just walk in the house and go, hey, what's up, fam? Jizz.

Right? Fucking, I think you should leave. Yeah. Horse cocks. Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy. Can I do that? Hey, Merry Christmas. Cock!

Yeah. Just have him go fucking crazy with it. He's got an education now. He's got the sexual education at school. He's a licensed expert, man. Oh my God. My wife. My wife taught that every year.

Every year she's been a teacher. She's taught fifth grade. She taught sex ed. That's fucking... Because they pay you extra. And she's like, yeah, I don't care. Yeah, it's like... I figured there was always something to sweeten the deal.

Yeah, because people are... The parents are mortified. It's the funniest thing ever. Like, they don't want to talk about any of this shit. Can you believe this? I don't get it. It's like, how the fuck do you think they got here? I don't want to talk about it, but, like, I don't know.

If there's anyone who should talk about it is you with your kids. Yeah, I don't want some bitch at school talking about, I barely trust them to teach math. I definitely don't teach them to talk about wainers. Well, that's what's crazy. It's like, the older I've gotten, the more I'm like, you mean to tell me some 27-year-old bitch who came in hungover most of the time? To me was expected to teach me things? Like, no wonder I didn't retain that subject. Yeah.

Fuck. What the hell was I talking about? Going crazy. Oh yeah, the vagina stomach test. I'm like, yeah, test his stomach for vagina. Give me that. How much did you say it was? 500?

She goes, no, it's a deal. 300. That's not a deal. I'm so glad that you told me it's a deal. I'm so glad that you said it was on sale in front of my wife. So you got the test and it came back and it's like, it's all just like bad, bad, bad. I'm like, oh no, what's going? And I'm freaking out even more.

This is, Johnny was right about that C-section shit. It's true. doesn't have those fucking bacteria? He doesn't have any pussy in his stomach. Shit! Get this man full of... Get this man suck! Get this man chock full of pussy!

Get this man a bottle of pussy! They got like an ivy drip bag with like a... Tadda-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ta. And I want to throw up as I'm reading this chart because I'm like trying to focus on the, you know, bacteria it's saying it's not pussy. Don't be ridiculous.

I have my voice of an... Imaginary father that I don't have in my head going don't be ridiculous I've got my actual dad in my head and my imaginary dad in my head Your actual dad's like hey do you hear about this thing called CBD? Can I put the game on? Yeah That motherfucker Came over yesterday. He started saying it before he even opened the door All I heard when he when my dad came in my house was yeah, and I put the game on Well, I'll be damned

Um fuck was I talking about this for him. The test of the pussy. I'm getting these drops in them. Oh yeah, so the poop. So the poop. So then I got these drops. How much the drops, you know, something totally asinine to probiotics, right? That I'm probably don't even work. I don't know. I don't care. I feel like it's just a marketing term.

Probiotics? Yeah. Yeah. Why the fuck did it come out of nowhere and everyone's like, see, it's probiotics and everything. I'm like, why are all these new companies coming up? You're just trying to Tell me this shit. If I'm getting what I asked for, I wanted to be raped for Christmas, I'm getting it. So you got the poop test. So the warning on the thing was like, be careful the baby shit might become chalk.

What? Might get chalky. Like, what the fuck? Ashy? He's going to have ashy shit? You'd feed him old dog food or something? So he shits today. I'm unzipping the zipper on the bottom.

going up to the top and I see inside that all the shit's just exploded out everywhere it's all, it was in like a when his onesie was on it was in like a hermetically sealed shit container. Oh shit. Like the way Madonna sleeps with like a body suit and like poop

all over her, ashy clay poop all over her and I get to the top and go to pop it off like a jacket and the zipper doesn't go like, uh, my wife comes and goes, uh, well you know, my wife comes over and starts barking at me well you have to just move his leg out. You have to just move his leg out. You have to just move his leg

I know how Zipper works What you're saying Is not physically possible It's not a Mobius strip It's a zipper I know how a zipper works Just so happens that there's nothing but liquid shit

Stuck in it I get it I go back through the shit Unzip it back through the shit Trying to get his hands free And I take him out Extract him Get the 1Z out of the the way and she goes, oh, well, his Christmas

ones, he's ruined. You're no kidding. Can you just go turn the shower on, please? Uh, I forgot why I started talking about this. Man. Oh, yeah, the Mexican.

Yes. Something about the Mexican lady. And I said, uh... She gave me the wrong meat? She gave me the wrong meat. The fuck is that? Preparata. Preparata. Preparata. My Spanish is impeccation. So that's not the problem. I said,

Preparada. Yeah, understood that. Preparata. I'm fucking around on my phone. That was that what it was. I was fucking around my phone, trying to fix three different things poorly,

which is my life now, I realized. I used to sit around all day and think about how to fix something. How could I fix this? How could I be jerking off more efficiently? Hmm.

What could I do? What should I do? I read now? Which social now? Paying for shit. Oh, hospital bill. Cool. Yeah, you've moved into the management sim part of life.

No longer the built the construction phase. Yeah. And I get in the car. Go home. Start making... I'll make some nice nachos. That'll brighten me up on this Friday. Before we go to the free Indian Santa,

I throw the meat on. like i don't know something's not right with this meat whatever make it up bring it in slice it up put on the nachos my wife goes what the hell's wrong with this this meat taste he ever tasted unflavored flapsteak beef nachos fucking disgusting

yeah all right give me these straight in the garbage nachos there is nothing more disappointing uh I was too depressed to go to the Free Santa. So the Free Santa is still elusive.

All right, here is, let me play some funny videos. Let's see what was, let's see what was happening this week. What people sent in. Something about, oh, this, this one. Yeah, so I saw this midweek and was like, I texted you so fucking fast that actually texted the wrong person. And they were like, what did you send me this for? I was like, ah, no.

I got sent this by, I got sent this by a couple people. There's a couple different versions of it, too. Good. I'm glad that multiple people. This is, black people thinks there's medicine and glasses? Well, Dick, every time I put my glasses on, I can see. So, let me see this. It's got to be something in the glasses.

I thought they put medicine in glasses, too. Well, no one told me, gang. Fuck, niggas just know how glasses is made. Now you're a glasses expert? Fuck y'all, bro. I think someone told me that in, like, third grade and I race. with it. Talked my son. These people can vote. Aye, Dick, Rada.

Niggins better not say none dumb in their life. I'm gonna be watching. Let niggas say anything dumb now. Watch. How about to give it, niggas, grace. You're gonna lie. I thought they put medicine and glasses, too. They put medicine and glasses. Well, again, Dick, that's why you need a prescription for them.

Oh, is that what it is? Is that what's tripping them up? If you didn't need a prescription, then you could just buy any glass, you know. Someone else sent me a video about medicine and the glasses. Let me see if I could find. it. Glasses. Yeah, yeah, here it is. Johnny Rico sent it in.

Amazing. Maybe it's the same guy. No, it's another one. Bro. I about to piss me off. Because I also thought there was medicine and glasses. And I'm going to tell you why.

If I go buy some glasses off sheen, the same way I can't see without my prescription glasses, I'm not going to be able to see in them damn sheen glasses. When I went to my optometrist, she said, I got to update your prescription and your glasses.

one of your eyes is worse than either. And now I can see clearly now. I thought that when they say your glasses will be ready in a couple days or a week or so, it's because they got to send off your measurements, your new eye test, and they send it to the manufacturer company. And then the manufacturer company takes and creates your lenses with whatever solution or medicine that you need so that you can see clear. Medicine.

Further or closer up, whatever the situation is. I thought that's why if you put on someone else's prescription glasses, you can't See because the Wait Are they fucking around? Are they fuck? Let me ask Manny,

Manny's here. Uh, Mani, let me unmute you. Are you there? Uh, how about now? Fire him up.

Oh, that's Maldor. Wait, that's a different guy. Damn it, that's not Manny. Okay. Uh, are they serious?

Dude, I saw somebody, and a lot of people sent him to me, too. I saw that one and was like uh-oh and then then i started seeing this is the worst one this is worse than the eating cornstorage yeah this is worse than the smoke alarm dick you got to get a prescription man you wouldn't need a prescription if you know that's why no one else's glasses work for me because it's a different

prescription medicine and the glasses but she's got glasses that's how good the medicine is man that's why i still wear mine what do they think medicine is just like gets absorbed in your eyes maybe? It has to be. Like, it's like as the sun kind of like hits the lenses

then it like it warms up yeah and then the vapors from it. The vapors like a vape. That's why you when you wear your glasses in the dark you can't see

right? Because they're not Oh, because the sun's not there to activate the medicine. Exactly. That makes sense. Let's see.

The CDC voted to stop recommending infants get the Hep B vaccine. So I was right. You were right. Thank God. I feel like you did pretty good overall.

I think I did good. Did they just put like a bunch of like football players in the CDC? How did that happen? How does it go from being normal to being eight to three? How does it go from being like we need to save lives and stop babies from getting Hep B from having promiscuous sex and drug use to 8.3? No, never mind. How do we get an 8?

Nevermind out of this. I wouldn't do that too. People are really amped up about vaccines. I get it. Yeah, about you having them. Like, they're just so, I don't know, like they're vaccinated. They're just so, they get themselves so worked up at babies getting hepatitis B, which I think is, I mean, I don't, I was alive when we were, I don't have hepatitis B.

I didn't get vaccinated. I don't know anyone who got hepatitis V. So I know it's not a problem. I know people got killed by drunk driving, and that's not that big of a problem. I don't know anybody that got hepatitis B as an infant. What were you saying? You just got to get vaccinated for drunk driving.

Yeah, why don't they do that? Vaccinated for... You just got to give you a cool... Dude, imagine if they had like a liquor vaccine that they've started injecting kids with. Oh, man. Would they have to keep taking the liquor the rest of their lives? Yeah.

And have a little sip, motherfucker, yeah. Or the opposite. I don't know. That's probably a good idea. That would be a nightmare. That would be tough. It would be a better life, but it would be, it would be tough. Yeah.

It would be harder. To not have any form of escape. Just like, well. I know. So ask Sean how it's working for it. How hard it is. I think he either ascended or just like returned back into molecules.

Like he's gone. Oh, he just evaporated. Like, who's that guy in the Bible that jumped into heaven? Enoch. I don't know. Wrote a chariot to heaven. Yeah, it would be. Drinking is hard, but not drinking is much harder.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it usually makes my hands shake if I don't. Oh, did you see this guy? He's giving out... Hey, Dick, did you see this guy? He's going around giving the homeless liquor and machetes. Oh, yeah, this guy's awesome. Do you see this guy? I did. Let's see. Of course you did.

Let's see this. Yeah, it's actually a video of me handing him now. All right, here he is. This guy. Oh, they're pissed at him? there's a special place in hell for this guy let's feed the homeless he says create circus side show of giving homeless

cigarettes and fireball let's run with that keeping the homeless safe a machete and a leader of vodka keeping the homeless in the streets ever clear for everyone fuck this guy what is his name bizarro blade runner

Wanabi influence Wanda be influencer doles out massive machetes To the homeless in Austin and New Orleans Oh Oh no This guy Look at this guy

He's like why the fuck are you giving me this Machete What's wrong with you I mean the thing is I think his biggest crime was doing that In Austin and New Orleans And not in like MacArthur Park Yeah

Oh man Man. Look at these guys' faces. The thing is I can't even like, technically, yeah, it's bad, but I don't even know if it counts as accelerationism because it's like all these guys' endgame to their waking moments in their day

is acquiring alcohol and a weapon. And now they have a method by which to acquire alcohol. They just got a free day. Pretty much. Like, that bottle's gonna be gone by the end of the day and he will either lose that machete or fall asleep on it. Or, still like, it could be a self-writing wrong. Is this not a solution for the homeless problem?

I mean, do you want to, you don't want to empower homeless people? Do they not deserve machetes and liquor? In a hard day. Well, and that's the thing is I think people overlook like, oh, you know, these are just homeless people trying to make it. It's like, no, they're not. They're crackheads and stuff. That's why the smaller bottles of cheap alcohol have sugar in them because you're broke enough to afford that so you can drink back the one that's little sweeter.

Like it's fucking, there is an economy to bum shit. Is this good? Do I like this? Do I like the idea of the homeless getting fucked up with machetes going around hacking each other to bits? Well, again, it's like, hate to bring up. Is this illegal? Are you allowed to pass out machetes? This can't be legal.

This seems like it's way too funny to be legal. I don't think that's legal. But again, if you were to search any of them on any given day, they would have those two items on them. Yeah. Like after all the homeless in front of the studio all the time, it's like,

oh, I didn't realize you had that on you. Like, oh, shit. Like, it's fucking, dude, they're all maniacs. He's, whether he's, it's not even like he's enabling it.

He's just kind of like, giving them what they already either have or we're looking for anyway. So I don't really. Well, I mean, I don't know. They want to be influencer, and he's coming to New York. And he's coming to New York City. See, now that's funny.

Yeah, go to New York. Right. Yeah, Austin and New Orleans, they've got enough there. I'll probably go to New York, go to MacArthur Park, go to fucking, like, go to the places where the cops won't do anything about it anyway and see if maybe they'll finally go, actually, you know what, this is a big problem. Let's just this. Yeah, fuck New York over. My computer Frozen?

Is it frozen? Let's see here I love the threat And he's coming to AmiC Oh shit, is this shit frozen? Oh shit, the whole thing died The whole thing's dead

The hell Hmm Oh, there goes I thought I saw it Is it going? Is it going? Oh, is it because it's a New York Post site? What is that?

Dude the everything has gotten unusably bad yeah cloud flare cloud flare is crashing all the time can you hear me now yeah what's up manny how you doing

god i'm doing great what a what a problematic episode already having everything shut down how's it going bud turn him um having tech issues too so it's uh problems all around what is it is doalee still going on oh no

I think Elon just tried a new drug Like he just had a ketamine And now he's on a fucking heroin or whatever Dude that would make That would make him a lot more palatable If he was on heroin instead of ketamine Yeah I mean he'd finally be cool

But you know Yeah Doesn't work Instead he wants to be like deep Smart That's what's That's the problem with him It's all that fucking

All that ketamine is doing I mean he has all that knowledge and we need to let that sink in. He has all the knowledge, like, use the sun. Every time I hear, oh, we got to use, we've only captured like 0.01% of the sun. And we got to use the sun if we're going to be a galactic, if we're going to be on multiple planets. Oh, dude, I'm, I just started a new job. Last time I called in, I was unemployed and not doing too well about it.

Yeah. So I finally got a coding job back with the company. Let's feed the home. Oh, shit. Sorry. Let's feed the home. Sorry, sorry. Okay, say it again.

All right. So I finally get a new coding job. And now I've got to go through all the background check stuff. And they're like, all your background checks passed except for, um, we need proof that you worked at this company's Solar City. Oh, which was fucker. Yeah. His cab that I did for like six months that I created a high paid job to do. Yeah.

So, uh, it took. me most of a week. It sent my start date back like two weeks because I've just been calling around trying to see whose number I can still find to verify that I worked for Elon at some point in the past. Are they even using that

shit? Like, do they even call them? Could you put your own number and just do a voice? I guess your voice is kind of distinctive. Anybody else? This is not, Andy. Why's your voice like that? Is it just how you say? Yeah, it's a carbonation of stuff.

Like, I was born in London, so I've got a bit of an English accent. And I've had... Wait, you're a black guy from London? You could have been one of those guys? Like, Spider-Man? That black guy in Spider-Man? He's like, all right, love? Yeah, which is...

Because, you know, I don't know why. How come black guys in London all talk like black guys from London? Who else we're going to talk like? Have you ever tried to work on your British accent And like bring it out a little bit Like for women I have In such because when I first moved to America

It was second grade Simon Cowell was on rage And I had like that exact accent Like it was calm as well Boy chaps I'm Maddie Muskins I do it on second grade Where's some crumpets and milk and stuff

So everyone called me Jeffrey like the guy from the Fresh Prince I got Jesus Then I get to High school You know That's when the accents are cool and sexy

Yeah Oh hell yeah I'm about to start cleaning up pussy But my voice changes That high school pussy Yeah Yeah Hell yeah

After sex ed class Give me get some pussy in my stomach Like, yeah, I know all about that. My voice changes and it turns into this like I pick up my parents, Nigerian. What did your voice sound like before it changed into this? Like a normal kid? It's legit like Simon Cowell, Jeffrey, like it, you couldn't, you wouldn't have to guess that I was thinking this. Let me put it that way.

Like, it was, I went to a school that was sponsored by the queen. It was called Royal Russell. Like, I had the, like... thickest of the pious British accents. And then it was like, I spent so much time. You were in London? You went to the Parshest school? Yeah. Oh my god, that's funny. Okay.

Yeah. And then as soon as I... Cheerio. Where the white bitch is at? Oh, wonderful. Yeah, so I can't make fun of much. Try it's trouble you for a sport of crack over here. I'm up in five. Just this bitch. Fucking Jeffrey!

Fuck. I had to go through the hallway, yell, 10 points for Griffith. So then your voice didn't work with pussy like you thought. Yeah. Yeah, because it changed into this. Like, all the getting made fun of finally suck in and I started mumbling and like my sinuses fucked up.

Oh, yeah, your sinuses do sound fucked up. Yeah. Can you, like, drill that shit out? they tried. They tried? Like Michael Jackson now? Guys look a lot of like. Yeah.

Me at the dark skin, Michael Jackson. Yeah, yeah. That's the only difference between us. You should see me moonwalk dick. I do it on stage. I started dancing if the crowds love it. Yeah. That's funny.

What are you up to? Oh, so I've been doing less stand-up. I've been podcasting now. Oh, okay. I'm having a lot of fun. Got a show called Most Importantist with a couple of other Philly stand-up dropouts. Oh, cool.

Shilling, riffing. It's basically a Comtown Meets Biggest Problem. That's how I describe it. You want our Friday spot? You could have the biggest problem Friday channel spot. Not that we're not doing Friday anymore. I'm thinking about it. I'm going to see if we...

The funniest thing, it's a purely topical show, because, you know, like, if or else my co-host will just tell the same three stories over and over again. Yeah. I'm familiar with that. Make it about the news, something's relevant. And then the guy we've got, like,

editing and producing it takes a week and a half to release any episodes. No, really? Yeah. We're talking about stuff Before it gets big And that it's old news By the time you release

Yeah, a week and a half Who the fuck wants to hear about I don't know What was the last big Like the gay Jaguar car Who wants to hear about that In a week and a half Yeah

It's like I did some, I called into some podcasts And I was like Okay well We'll just go out tomorrow And it was all 100% news driven Talking about shit

That was happening like Hot right now And they're like Oh no It usually takes this like Two weeks we really want to get the audio. I'm like, that's, what a waste of time.

Huge waste of time. Yeah. Yeah. And the worst part is, I don't know what it is about my co-host or me. We pitch stuff that becomes big news like three days after we talk about. Yeah. You got the touch. Got the touch.

Yeah, exactly. We get the sense. We're both completely bored by the world as is. So if something's a little bit interesting to us, it's we've got a figure on the post what can i say we're the greatest yeah uh we're gonna miss you on weight watchers uh yeah we're doing weight watches on thursday i i was so excited to do that and then the new job is why i can't go because i'm gonna you know make money feed my family you have a family uh no i don't like to talk about it

Oh, okay. Do your kids talk like you? Hey, daddy. Daddy, can I have some milk? I like that. Have you seen that adult swim show where it's all like those big doofuses? Hey, you guys.

What is it called? You clowns? Hey, you clowns. Oh, the ha-ha-you-clowns or something? Ha-ha, you clowns or something like that where there's like a dad and then the three boys are all identical. Pretty much.

Oh, yeah, they tug like this all the time. Like that, but manny. I haven't heard that show yet Yeah, it sounds accurate I think last time I talked to you You said you're going to call him about somebody Beating his girlfriend on stream But I think that that's probably old now

I don't know That guy still beating his wife No one cares about that I'm pretty sure he is still beating his wife We did a whole section of it On our podcast which it was fun because my co-host don't know anything on the internet. So they're like, oh, who is this guy?

You've got radio beef? Must be another pedophile. That's my favorite thing about podcasting. Yeah. Every day I'll wake up and I decide who am I going to call a pedophile today? Who's a pedophile today? Yeah. Hey, you don't think there's medicine and glasses, do you?

Medicine and, like, eyeglasses? Yeah. Have you seen all the black people talking about how there's medicine and eyeglasses? No. They're doing like videos talking about how they thought there was medicine and eyeglasses. You know, man, I get all the hot racist stuff. He's never had to think about it because he's been wearing glasses. Wait, you wear glasses. Do you think there's medicine in those glasses?

No? Are you sure? It hasn't been working. Oh, so you got to update your prescription. You got to update your medicine in those glasses, man. You probably were looking into the sun too much and all the vapor let out. I thought that's how you get the medicine into your eyeballs. With the glasses. Yeah, the sun comes in.

Oh, man, that's beautiful. Yeah. You're in Philly. Do you have any Somalians in Philly? No. It's a bunch of Mexicans, some Puerto Ricans, no Somalis. The Mexicans are getting worse, man. The Mexican lady, you remember my point was, why the fuck would a Mexican, first of all,

you go to the, if you go to the butcher counter at a store, and a woman comes out, just walk, just leave. You're not getting meat today. They, I have never received good help from a woman at the butcher counter at a supermarket. And this last time was no exception. I got, I ordered carnage soda meat and I got un-marinated meat. It tastes fucking disgusting. That's why you messed up. Instead of carneasada, you should have got like meatloaf or whatever. Meat, meatloaf from the butcher? The Mexican store? The Mexican store? The Mexican store? buddy my my store is so fucking Mexican

there's like there's flies on the tomatoes and they don't think it's a problem that's where I saw that guy watering the spider I was gonna say that's why I saw the guy watering his fucking pet spider secretly he's got his pet spider above the Pandulse and you're squirting with water I haven't stopped thinking about that

I saw a fat lady throw a bicycle is that what are you looking at is this the spider watering thing it was just like that Jesus it was identical to that the fat lady doesn't know how to exercise how many reps

bike squats do I have to do it bike squats she just throws her bike around and goes clean it up and shouts clean it up the bike bench press it's like crossfit just throwing trash everywhere monitors

throwing garbage tiptoeing around circuit boards oh my god I can hear my son right now crying and it's giving me PTSD that's the craziest thing is he's not even home dude I swear my wife's got it bad

She's like in we'll be laying in bed She's like I just think I hear him crying So check them on I think I hear him crying I'm like you don't They're crying They're lying or all the time You've got to start

Tell you that he is crying Even when he isn't He's crying Yeah Just go take care of him Don's in trouble I pretend to be asleep a lot Like if I wake up at three

I'll wake up and hear I'm crying And I'll kind of like look at her and go like You know Just like lay here and be quiet Like there's a T-Rex in the room I'm just laying here And then I'm like kind of I'll push the dog So that the dog will get up and disturb her

And then she hears him crying And she's like And she gets up And then I go Oh I'll wake up a little bit When she's already getting out of bed And go like oh wow

I was just about to help but I was up the whole time. She's not listening. She can't listen. She can't listen. She can't listen to show anymore so I can say whatever I want. Oh, there you go. You don't wait for her to get up. You wait for her to almost put the kid down. Oh, I swear I was just on my way in here, honey. Or I'll get up. If I knew I fucked up, I'll get up and I'll go like make, I'll go make formula. Oh, yeah. I just want to make sure you got these. You got these. It's like the guys in World War II that didn't shoot in anybody. half of everybody.

I just want to make sure you got these bullets here. You need them. Oh, dude, there's a furry TMZ account that I found. I have so much shit. Why did I, I wasted all the time on this episode talking about nothing.

Here is, here's the furry TMZ account, Manny. There's a, there's a serial pooper at the Midwest Fur Fest that's going on right now that I've been tracking on the furry TMZ.

Oh, no. That's a team of individuals Act like just one Yeah, you think so like Banksy? Exactly. First of all, who's comparing the poops to make sure it's all the same guy? Matt, Winwest Fur Fest?

I'm sure they could find volunteers to compare every single one of them. Yeah, but everyone has their exact same diet, so it's all the same poop. Oh, man, it's all just bad news coming out of the furry convention. The MFF rave got shut up. down as people collapse from heat exhaustion.

MFF, like male, female, female? No, Midwest Fur Fest. It's just, it's an MMM rave. Annie. Like that. There's no. Let me see if I can find the cereal pooping. There they are.

Cool. Furries are. This is a fun time. I went, I think, last year or the year before. An active shitter situation at Midwest Furfest continues for a second night. third shit. This isn't taking place in China, is it?

Taking place in Chicago. Why is everyone dropping just turds out of their pant legs? Dude, I've walked to these halls. I've stepped where this shit has been shit. Could be me stepping it. You see how they've covered it with a hotel drink, clear drink glass? The plastic drink glass here?

This should have at least put like a little coffee mug over it. So someone goes, oh, what's this and picks it up? Oh yeah. Look at that. That is an odd looking poop. See, they're trying to make an art piece at that point with a clear display. Let me find the other poop updates

in the Midwest Fur Fest furry news. Uh-oh, here it is. A second shit has been photographing the sky bridge. This is the bridge that goes from the convention center over to the hotel where they're staying.

This is a big one. Like a horse, perhaps. Walked through the sky bridge. It was two people on a horse fur suit and both taking his shit there. And here's another one. It's a shit epidemic. And this guy's drawing,

this guy's drawing a furry thing next. Oh, somebody stepped in this one. That's rough. I'm not mad at the Sky Bridge guy because those things are scary and I shit myself anytime I deal with heights. You do? Yeah.

Skybridge is like a second story. It's just like going from the hotel to the parking garage. You walk up stairs and shit a little bit? It's not like a glass bottom. No one's shitting on like a glass bottom tourist attraction, man. They're sitting in there. Like the pedestrian walkway.

I thought it was a third story sky bridge. How exotic do you think this Midwest Fur Fest is? Come to the fantastic sky bridge. Okay, here's one. The Washington Post. This is, man, oh man. Just what I think women can't get any more dumb or annoying. Here we go.

Washington Post says, Brown University, they're talking about going to school, Brown University accepted nearly equal numbers of male and female students. This is in the newspaper. Brown University, they say, accepted nearly equal male and female students, but got almost twice as many female applicants. The math means it was easier for men to get in. That is the, that's the story they're running with.

what? These goddamn men are getting preferential treatment at going to college because they're not applying very much. And an equal number of men and women get in. Trump's DEI ban may end gender balancing efforts that often benefit men. We're benefiting by going to college. We're by getting a couple of us squeaks, you know, maybe that's the future. We'll get just a couple of men to go to college, learn about math and science, and women can go there, and women can go there and trade strap-ons and get wasted and roofie each other and pretend to roofie each other. You know, that's the future of college. They can run up 10 zillion dollar deficits like Zimbabwe or something, and we'll get a couple guys, two or three guys every year to go to

each college, who will actually learn how to do something useful. That's not just talking about your emotions. HR department class It's going to be all AI doing the useful stuff And like the guys will be learning from AI professors Yeah I can't read it Okay great I don't want to read it fine

It means it's easier for men to get an Oh okay here's something you might enjoy Johnny can't wait Here's Maddox Someone sent this to to me. I didn't think this was possible. Maddox is still, still going to anybody talking about stalking or harassment on Twitter and posting links to his retarded video crying about me still to this day. So he says, none of that is true. You're referring to a narrative told by an

obsessed stalker who wants to fuck 17-year-olds. Why do you guys love this petto shit so much? 17-year-old's a peddoh shit. Somebody says, yeah, Maddox had a blog back when the internet was a baby, super harsh edgy humor, we liked it a lot as 13 to 15 year olds and kind of agreed kind of aged out when he stopped being funny, which clearly he still maintains the unfuniness.

Maddox says, people who love fat pedophiles and racist losers sure do you seem sensitive. Am I the fat pedophile or a racist loser? I'm pretty sure you're the racist loser. How am I a loser? You hanged out with fat pedophiles. I won't even let that fat fat pedophile in my house.

How does that make me a loser? He's either, oh man. How am I a loser, Maddox? This motherfucker has Google alerts for the word stock, stalking. He's still going on about it. That's so fucking crazy. And look at this. Zero likes.

And one retweet is probably from him. Is he sending the link to the YouTube that's been taken down? I don't know. He reposted it somehow. So then, yeah, this is what I was presenting. So then I said, oh, yeah. December time is like, Maddox documentary, copulmonary time, right? Yeah.

Every year I kind of get nostalgic about, it wasn't even last year. It was a year before, wasn't it? I think, yeah. Yeah, it was two years ago that Maddox, dropped this steaming pile of spaghetti onto everyone. So I said, you know, I'm going to go. I never read the comments from those videos because I was so wrapped up in trying to set the record straight and convince and show everyone the graph that it was backwards, you know.

I was just so obsessed with my image. Then I got caught up in the content of the video and I never looked at the reception. So I was randomly clicking on it. They're really funny. The comments are really, they read like a, it reads like a rape crisis hotline. Jesus.

Like people thanking Maddox for getting his story out there. Sorry that he's had to deal with so much, getting made fun of, you know. But there's one that caught my attention. I happened upon it. I happened upon it. Let me see if I can find it here.

Because it's something I've always, I've always wanted, you know, proof of this for such a long time. and I never had a concrete proof of it until now, until this woman typed this in Maddox's video. She leaves as a comment on Maddox's video, The Poolbird, says, and it's exactly the kind of woman he'd be talking to online. Maddox loves talking to women online.

She says, where is the event that started at all? You told me what started it, before Dick left the Reddit comment and you found out all the financial stuff. So this was before I left, I told everyone this, but I'm no proof of it. Before he left the Reddit comment

and you found out about all the financial stuff was that Dick slept with your ex after a wedding, according to our chat logs. So she went back, she went back 10 years or whatever after this retarded shit was released and looked at what they were saying to each other.

Dick only rips on you because you're so easy to make fun of. Him making... Yeah, go ahead. In those 10 years, how many messages do you think manage said and how many do you think she said? I bet they were... I bet they were about equal, which is saying... Which is a very negative thing to say about a man. Let me look at the text box between me and my wife and see what is the correct ratio.

Yeah, I mean Well, okay I mean I need to text her less This is shameful what I'm seeing here It's the new green line Yeah She's calling him out

So I was expecting like 99 to 1 On Maddance's odds Well he talks to fans So they're like Oh my gosh He really like works them on that angle I forgot that he's supposed to be famous Dude he's the funniest that's the funniest

if you go on the copumentary, the chapters, and read it, it's like he's really famous. It's like he's still famous. It's like he's, it's like back in the day. Like, people are talking about it nostalgiaically. Like, they're also reliving their youth in the comments. It's amusing. Maybe we'll read some for a bonus episode. Back before I was raped and starred. Life was all so simple. Dick only rips on you because you're so easy to make fun of. Him making fun of you is funnier than you doing literally anything, especially after denouncing your past work. It's why so many of your previous fans, ladies included, moved on from you. Comedy is more important than pretty much anything, even the truth. Most comedians are liars.

It's silly to pretend otherwise. So just be funny. But there it is. What is the event that started at all? You told me, what started it? Before he left the Reddit comment and you found out about all the financial stuff was that he slipped to the director of wedding, according to our chat logs, I fucking got it. Fucking got proof. I wish I could see those chat. logs, but case closed. Boom. Prison. Retribution.

Retribution. Well, he might have embarrassed himself, but you had a kid with that act, so who really lost? I hope that chimerasimism thing isn't real. I see all the white supremacists talking about, like, babies getting, you know, genetic chimerasim. I was like, I don't think that's true, but the racists are usually right about everything else. The white supremacists are right about everything else. So

It's going to be half human half Mexican Half Armenian 1% Armenian I don't think that's true But they're saying stuff

About horses and stuff That's Hmm I don't have any horses Maybe that's Just don't Don't ever show him A BMW catalog

And you should be fine He's going For the He'll be walking Through a parking lot He's gonna be grabbing At the BMW things There'd be like

Lion King But just point over To Glendo Like that's the Forbidden zone We don't ever go. You never watch anime. Yeah.

No math in this house. Absolutely no math. What did he see some Armenian racing tires and he's just stuck? Let's see here. Oh, Newsom testicle sitting. I knew I had funny stuff in here. What fuck was I talking about so long today? Newsome testicle sitting.

You guys know Gavin Newsom? Unfortunately. He heard of him. You know him? Oh, yeah. Mani, he's our governor. He's like, he sucks. I thought he was going to be everybody's next president

I don't know man What do you think He's too I would say he's like Fucked up too much stuff in California But I think he's just too California Like everyone else from

Yeah The rest of the country hates California so much Yeah I hope so That that's what I'm banking on too I'm like don't Don't let this go further please And he's doing stuff like this already you can't be doing this and pitch yourself

to middle America Look at this, look at the way he's sitting The way he's sitting here, Johnny With his wieners squished Look at this shit Where the fuck's his penis? In his own ass Look at this guy, he's like a drag queen here

Sitting his legs Just the fucking So crossed Oh here's, okay, here's a good one Here's an N-word defense This guy was sitting on a bus stop and then white guy was sitting on a bus stop

a homeless black guy stabbed him and then the white guy after getting stabbed called him the N-word so then they said well that's you can't you can't do that

so that guy that guy's not going to jail the black guy that stabbed him is not going to jail because the white guy called him the N-word after he got stabbed that's fucking crazy well he should have behaved himself

a Black man was acquitted of stabbing a white man in Oregon after he claimed the attack was self-defense because the victim called him a racial slur. He called him the N-word after he was stabbed. So he goes, ah, you fucking N-word? And then they said, boom. Fuck not. I mean, if you have the balls to call someone that word after you got stabbed, you were up to something already. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good point, man. That's a good point. He had it locked and loaded, right? He had that N-word in the chamber, and then he got stabbed. And it makes sense. It makes sense. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Listen to how they phrase this.

This is so funny. Gary Edwards was charged with second-degree assault for stabbing a man in Portland near a light rail stop. So near like the subway? Man, why don't we have more subways? They seem like so much fun to get stabbed on the subway. However, he was found not guilty of the crime on October 31st

after the jury learned the victim was using racial slurs in the aftermath of the altercation. God damn, NWRWR! Fuck! Whoa, buddy! Are you really? You don't need to go there.

What was he supposed to say? like welcome sunny marry my daughter god damn person you god damn person wait wait was the guy who stabbed black do we know that yes yeah could have been calling white you know what they didn't look at this grammatical error they didn't uh they didn't capitalize black in this article that's racist the daily males is doing a fucking racism right before our eyes we gotta go stab some daily mailers bro uh the defense attorney reportedly told the jury that his client was approaching Howard to see if he would trade his knife for cigarettes. That's reasonable.

That's reasonable. Security cameras with no audio captured. I wonder if he was willing to do a reenactment. The white guy who got sad was willing to reenact. And what did you say when you, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, hodge. Meistro, please. If you'd turn on a music.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Then they sing the song, Mani's song. What other than racism could explain why Mr. Howard perceived hatred, animosity, and aggression from a complete stranger, Small said. The one that just stabbed him? Oh, here it is. Yeah, he does look a little racist. He came up to me with a knife, but I wasn't going to assume. Hey, you want to trade this knife? Can I trade this knife for some of your cigarettes?

No. Oh, yeah. Fine. That's fucking crazy. Moments later, body camera footage from the security officers captured Howard shouting a racist slur at Edwards after he had been stabbed. So just do it before. You're going to get it anyway. You might as well get out in front of it.

I feel bad of having to stab someone and not being able to smoke a cigarette afterwards because he's dead one if he wanted. Be like a serial killer. Well, he could probably take the cigarettes afterwards. Prosecutor Catherine Williams told the jury it didn't matter what the victim said after he was stabbed. If you're explaining that to people, you're in a bad spot. You know? See, the way time was. Ladies and gentlemen, the jury,

uh, I shouldn't have to explain this to you, so I don't know why I am. Uh, it was magic. If you, if you don't convict this guy, uh,

the devil is going to come rape your kids. That's, that's a better argument than explaining why it doesn't matter. Because it shouldn't matter before. Like, that's the, that's why it's fucked up. Like,

she's buying into the framework that calling someone the N-word before would be okay to stab them. Yeah. It's a bad defense. Uh, Uh, man. So you're a prosecutor, you're working for the government, putting criminals away, and this guy, this insane lunatic murderer gets off because God called him the N word after he got stabbed.

The defendant is not scared for his life. He didn't retreat. He sauntered up and he sauntered away after he stabbed someone. The defendant called, created the situation. Yeah, I mean, all that shit's obvious. You shouldn't say it. Should have had those cigarettes on him. Yeah. Yeah. He should have accepted the trade offer. She should have, a better prosecution, whatever it is, case would have been, he should have said, please.

Yeah. Because everyone, that's like a higher, like that's like a higher to appeal to stupid people. That's higher than, well, he didn't, he called him N-word after. That, no, that's not, no, no, no, no, no. That's a bad argument. He should have said, please. then he would have happily shared his cigarettes, as I'm sure all of you would.

That's all it takes. Speaking of words, I've got a fun story. I just remembered. There's this open bike in Center City. It's called 30s. And it's infamous amongst comics because there's this big burly trans woman

working behind the bar. Okay. In no way associated with the open mic, but you know, she's working the bar, so you have to keep her happy. Like, if you don't tip, she'll pull the microphone out of your hands. They got a burly trans woman working the bar at an open mic comedy? Oh, wow. All right, let's hear your jokes. Yeah, exactly.

One time I said no ditty on stage, and she came up to me as. after and had a bro-to-brough conversation. So one time, there's an old guy just like, must have been at least 200 years old, standing like just in the only open space in the hallway, which happens to be right in front of the kitchen. Yeah. So she's all, get out of my way.

Don't stand there. And he's confused, well, what? But, you know, he gets out the way. And then later, he's standing there. again, she doesn't even say anything. She just yokes him up and starts dragging him to the stairs. And as he's getting dragged, he's confused. He's old.

So he lets a few traddies fly. He's going on, Freddy. Failed the quick time of that. He gets thrown down to stand. So this guy gets thrown down the stairs out the bar. And there's a bunch of 20 old kids, like, sitting around feeling bad for this guy. But no one wants to help because, like, then I can't do my five minutes. So this trans woman is just beating up anyone she wants with nobody intervening because these fucking comedians want their five minutes?

Yes. So later that night, I'm smoking. front of the bar. And I'm just chilling. And I see this old guy confused, waiting for his over, drunk out his mind. It's an old Irish pub.

Homer's guys walking by sees him, one punch, knocks him out. Holy shit. I just keep walking. He goes my knockout game crazy. Don't test me.

What did he do to test him? He was trying. finally the one the one wicked comedian decided to call the cops

outside I just saw this guy get assaulted out of nowhere sometimes you don't even have to say it out loud you just need to

think it yeah he was thinking that N word I can tell Your Honor he was thinking it you're right

I was your honor that predictive tech goes crazy self-defense of what getting called the N-word I'm sure he at least knew what the word was so he could have yeah you said it too fast sir we timed it yeah

you said it you said it last you said it two seconds after you were stabbed okay you hadn't lost enough blood to justify that yeah you said it right as you saw the knife Say bureaucracy. Bureaucracy. It took you five seconds to say that. Because you probably never said it before. A thinking man's word.

Yeah. Took you, you rattled that one off too. You're right. Mani, you're right. That guy should go to chill. The guy that got stabbed. Here's Mrs. Rachel as the anti-Semite of the year or nominated for the anti-Semite of the year.

Did you see this? Yeah, we didn't make the list. No, we didn't make the list. What the fuck? Nick Flint has got dissed, got snub. and Miss Rachel got added to the anti-Semite of the Year pool. Nick Frentas, he's preaching to like angry 20-year-olds who are going to be anti-Semitic anyway.

Miss Rachel's preaching to the kids. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. The anti-Semite of the year is Tucker Carlson, Miss Rachel, Guy Christensen, a bunch of people, I don't know. Oh, Chank Yugar is also, and Anna Casparian. That's kind of dumb to put them both They're on the same show It's stupid to put them both on

Stu Peters Yeah I guess what you're saying about Nick is right What did Miss Rachel say Stop anti-Semitism Now group should not be able to try to ruin people's lives Cause them

To receive threats and need security Try to get all bit Just typical shit I have two kids who shouldn't have to deal With the consequences of this Remembering my son accidentally overhearing us talking about my safety and then crying, wanting

hold my hand all night scared, something would happen to me. This has taken such a toll of me. This grammar, you're teaching kids with this grammar? This is taking such a toll of me? What the fucking call Big Bird up and having

proof of this and my family and all I've wanted was to help kids. Well, Um Yeah I guess Here's what she did She had a

Oops I'll turn it down Johnny She had a Palestinian kid on her show She has a show I guess I've never even heard of this bitch till now She kind of has an only fan's Like vibe to her

Don't you think? Makes sense Let's go back to sleep Rahaf We're so tired See the bunny Sleeping Till it's near the new

Shall we wake them with a merry tune? Dude, this song is fucked. I've had to sing this song now since having a kid. It's a weird song. They're so still. Are they ill? Wake up soon. Let's pretend to sleep.

Oh, that's how you sing it? Okay, yeah, that's enough. Um, hmm. Do we vote on any semi-to-the-year? Do you have a... Is it like the academy? Yeah, how do we become voting members? Well

Funny you say that I don't know I mean, Quentin has been in my house That makes me a member, I think I would hope so Shit, how many votes? How many votes do we need to get At least on the ballot?

How do you get on the Academy? The Academy Awards How do you vote there? Petophile stuff We need different last names, I think. Yeah, you just need to know the writer people. You gotta hang out

directly. Okay, let me see if I have maybe one more. Cineabon meltdown. And that's not a menu item? Yeah. Some Somalian stuff. Where's that?

The Somalians stick together. Oh, the V-Tuber of the year, dude. Look at this shit. V-Tuber of the year was a peanut. It was a peanut, man. Man, Maddox could have been the fucking V-Tuber of the year, dude, with banana docks. This guy won. He's a peanut with a face.

It's so crazy how that guy did that fucking annoying orange shit, and then everyone's like, yeah, we'll just do a cut out eyes and mouth on anything. And now, like, the fact that in 2025, we're still getting up just a fucking peanut. You know what, though, it's cool. Every time I see one of these fruits or whatever, legumes. Food items with this face talking. I think, man, that's awesome. I want to see more about this.

I'll watch it. Well, he's living in a world where George Washington Carver doesn't exist. That's a bad guy that shows up on this show. He's going to turn. Get away from me, George Washington Carver? Fuck out of here. And I hate the other V-tubers. They're all anime girls.

But none of their tits are quite right. They didn't put enough work into the... Yeah, but somehow, like, the shitty peanut guy like that. Yeah. Yeah, well, it's like when you boot up like Windows XP or like a Nintendo Wii, right? You know it's not going to look or be any good. Yeah. But it's just like, oh, yeah, that looks about the period, correct?

Yeah. All right, let me play that Somali one. And then I'll read, and then I'm going to read some comments. Somalians, you beef with one Somali, you beef with all of Somalia. Let's see. The skinnies are, the skinnies have lost it. You beef. Every Somali.

If there's one thing about Somalis, they are going to ride out for their Somali brothers and sisters. They are going to crash out. They don't do one-on-ones. They're going to jump you. Abdi's going to go tell Rector, who's going to go tell her brother Mo, who's going to go tell Nama and she's going to tell her up to you. You are well and truly pissed.

If you get into beef with a Somali, because word will get out that you're beefing the Mali's. And then it's up from there. Even if you think that that Somali is miskin, they just watch anime and play PlayStation. They have someone in their network that is a crapper. Is this British? Mani?

The Somali network is bigger than Google. It's even faster than Google. I'm very familiar with this. This is African try to be heard. Yeah, what's the deal with that? Can you tell me about the African trying to be hood? Because I've noticed that. I can't, is it like, it's partly Indian?

That's weird. Yeah, it's a, Well, the real answer is like you're in Africa. You don't know about American black people except for what the TV shows you. Yeah. So you come here and you're like, well, I look like these people. I guess I got to fit in with them. Because what do I look like trying to convince some dude off the street like,

oh, no, I'm not really Philadelphia born and raised. I'm from here. You should be treating me like royalty. I went to the school. Like, it's like, nah, I'm just going to pretend to be heard. And maybe people will be scared of me. They don't, they don't come off his hood, though. They come off like Captain Phillips.

Like they come off like pirates. Like all those Canadian kids. Yeah, they like starving Marvin. You know? Because that whole like, oh, this one guy is going to break another guy is going to break another guy. That's what you say if your family's lived in the same neighborhood for generations and you've got 20 cousins in the street. Yeah. I've heard rap battles where they say that stuff, but like some Somali fresh off the boat is like,

oh, no, that name is going to watch you get jumped like the rest of them. If you beep with one Somali, you beef with all Somalis. I mean, don't they have a whole civil war going on over there? I don't think they stay. They don't have any, like, governments. Yeah, they're existing in a constant state of civil war. They don't have anything. I wonder if they know that India has.

hates Somalis the most. They should go, they should go invade India. Oh, they're kind of similar. I wish the racists would make like a like a pie chart kind of for which... No, they're not similar at all. Indians think they're much better than

Somalis. Yeah. I know what you try to do, Johnny. But they'd show up to gang war with each other if they end up making friends and then you have to unite it in the Somali front. Oh, yeah, that's worse.

Yeah. They know you're good point I saw Elon Omar today saying that actually actually the Somalis are all even upset about all this Somali fraud because they're they could be getting their tax money it's their tax money too so they're really they're really they're also offended by it like wow I guess that makes sense

Rob from I guess if you're gonna argue like if you're gonna argue without without racism then that makes sense Oh, yeah. She's just because she had to go into politics to steal from the people and everyone else. Just stealing. God, they're making a mint. All right. Mani, can you plug all your stuff?

Thanks for calling in. Oh, yeah. Most Important. Dot show. Go to Most Importantist. Wherever you listen to podcast, I'm there. It's a lot of fun. We just be chilling.

Most importantist. All right. Go listen to it. Thanks, man. Yeah, thank you, man. Have a good one. Good luck at your job Now I can hear the British in his voice sometimes

It's always the qualifier that makes it He sounds exactly like that Don Cheatel in oceans 11 God fucking damn it You're right ocean's 12 No ocean's 11 You're fucking Right he's got to get What did he have to get a squinkle or something?

He had to get a big EMP device. That's right. Squinch. I got to get a right squanch. I was just thinking of Jason Statham and Crank, who also needs a similar thing. That was a cool movie. I remember it being all right. Yeah.

He had to have sex, beat people up. Yeah, I always thought it would be funnier if he had to, like, crank one off to bring his heart rate back up. Yeah. And then he could get back to the action. That was actually the most. thrilling part of the movie when he has sex and orgasms because I'm watching that home going like

fuck how's he going to keep his man this is like it's like diehard 3 he does that whole movie hung over yeah and you know when I was a kid and saw it for the first time in theaters that part didn't really hit me as hard as it does now when I watch that movie again I'm like man he's so hungover

that they can smell the liquor that is bad hungover and he's doing riddles and running around he's not eating anything. That's rough. That's bad ass. Driving around. I've had those days.

Yeah. He could just be going shopping all day and it would be rough, but he's playing around with guns and stuff. I like the idea that by the time his headaches of size, he's like, what the hell happened, man? Like, holy shit. He should have a couple beers in that movie. Just to like even out a little bit? Yeah, there's a couple times where I'm like, yeah, he should be having a beer right now.

Like, he's on the phone talking about Simple Simon. Oh, that would be having a beer. Piss me off so hard if I was. I don't want to talk about that shit. It makes a lot of sense. It makes the movie so much funnier when you constantly remind yourself that he's hung over. Yeah.

Because he's doing, the way he's looking around, he's doing the riddles. Like, yeah, man. You're looking for a bar. Yeah. I bet. Ugh. And when he gets into the bottom of the Federal Reserve,

it's like, oh, that must be so good. It's all cold down there. You're hungover. Then he shoot. That's when he shoots guys and starts joking. Yeah. Like, yeah, I know. Yeah, I know that.

I know that feeling of like... He woke up finally that day. Exactly. Like, oh, I feel the water on my skin. Can't eat tiny reindeer, you know? Dude, when it's like six or seven at night and you finally break through and you're like, oh, man. And they're like, shit, my day is over.

And that's when he starts when he's, yeah, when his hangover, when it gets nighttime and his hangover's gone, that's when he starts calculating with his brain. And he's like, I got this fucking. I got this label of aspirin. That means they're over the Canadian line. That's when he starts thinking again. It's a really good secret. Is that you frozen?

I've been thinking of this all week. Johnny sending his acquaintance of Venmo request after deleting a strongly worded text was genius. Dare I say it's the perfect thought. I'm going to do this all the time now. for all you perfect thought Havers out there May you ascend and never come back

You nailed it Dude I was so pissed That I actually made progress Data Sil Marillion Is the name you were looking for Quirk Chungus for nerds Is how it must feel

To see an ugly chick dress up in a shitty chieftain costume While she sings some bastardized version of Pocahontas We need to bring back shaming women for acting like children and being fat um cork chungas is like a woman dressed up like a chieftain singing about pocahontas i don't know about that for nerds yeah no i get i get what he's saying like it's like cultural appropriation yeah i don't know i don't know about i don't

it doesn't sit right with me but i can't explain why at least from my observation it's very much that like Hey, I'm so empty as a person that maybe if I'm extra performative, then that will, that'll make people like me. That'll be the thing that always like, it always stems from extreme loneliness. Yeah. Of the women, you mean? Yes. I think it's different because putting on, like, you don't get, women don't, uh, women don't revile you because you're dressed up like an Indian. But they do revile you for like watching Lord of the Rings.

Like you're a fucking loser And they'll make fun of you All this shit So then they try to worm their way in By embracing it It's a little different than Wearing Indian headdress shit Yeah

Like the wearing Indian headdress shit's always for attention It's gay when anyone does it It's gay when any are doing it But it's fine Like it doesn't matter That's been Coachella Since it's opened I think I bet they gotta think it's hot too

Right? Some white bitch Getting topless Putting on Indian headdress You know I don't know. It doesn't work the same way with a sombrero. I went to school with a kid who lives on the reservation. And every time he'd come in, his eyes would be fucking...

Reeking of meth. Well, crazier. His eyes would be fucking redder than a blood sun. And you would look in here like, Tomina, what's going on, man? And he would drink a fucking bottle of robitussin before he came to school every day. And I'm like, this fucking guy's robo-tripping and music essentials. Like, holy shit. Oh, no.

They got so many problems Dude, it was nuts, man They got so many fucking problems It was just fucking nuts But it was kind of hard too I'm like, how the fuck are you affording Robitussin every day? Can you just be normal?

No, is the answer They really can't They cannot be normal Firewater Ain't shit Compared to fucking Robo water Man God, this battery thing's funny

Isn't that in sane? So I guess if you do want to be better for the environment throw your battery in the ocean, at least let it dissipate. Oh, did this stop streaming? Christ. Great. Let me see. Yeah, it did. Great. Fucking amazing. Thanks a lot.

Start the live stream. Can nothing recover? Nobody writes software that's like self-recovering. That used to be a concept, you know? If this has to recover if it breaks, just ping it again. Sal, Sam. Ping the fucking ping the endpoints again and see if it's see if it's alive again

Stretch it out do it one do one second do two seconds do it four do it eight You know Just try to make it okay for the user Only thing they're stretching out is their assholes Fucking pieces of shit Uh, Bert Bradley Hard not to feel bad for these dull children people, yeah But then you see more of them and you're like no don't feel bad anymore

Not hard at all not to feel bad even weirdo Doug Weiss I have confirmed with my 91 year old grandmother that picking cotton is terrible so picking cotton sucks Hmm Why do you think Do we made other people do it

I need some kind of gauge With something I know how to do though Yeah You know Is it Would you rather pick cotton or fold laundry Is it like picking Flies shit out of pepper

With boxing gloves on Or is it like picking out color swatches loves. Give me, ask her again, but it needs to be, yeah,

it needs to be, you need to ask her also something that is as tough that I know about. Ask her, compare it to Dark Souls. See, ask her if it's harder to, ask her of picking cotton

is harder than not drinking before 10.30. I think we could have a cotton picking contest on the next live show? You want to do a live show of Mississippi or something? Bring manny out and some tattered up tattered linens. Everyone's wearing burlap sex.

Bring manny out talking like Jeffrey, goofery from... Fresh prints. Yeah, got there, many! Everyone needs to just really ham it up. Oh, man. Ben, more racist Sean is really growing on me now. If he comes in with a swastik arm, man, I... I think I'll be all the way there.

What the hell? What the hell does that mean? Yeah. He's not white. Johnny's not white. He can't be racist. That's why it's so funny. David Freezer says,

Liking Johnny Moore every episode. He was also great on WAPT. Oh, well, thank you, everybody. You're going to love us on Weight Washers next Thursday. Oh, baby. I've got some clips for that one. Oh, good. Chris Primer, the USDA will withhold SNAP funds from 20,

states that refuse to provide data. Really? Man, that'd be great. Cool. It's great news today. Yeah. Great news. I saw some pretty good ice pepper spray things today.

I like to watch them. I wake up. Get a little heat from ice. Get some heat on your ice. Icey hot. Bam! When he pulled that... Icey hot, where's the hot?

Ah, my eyes! Fire extinguisher out and got that bitch, man. Yeah, it's cool. Pop quiz says The N-word on the moon is the funniest shit I heard in a long time. Good job, Johnny. Can we say the N-word on the moon?

Who's going to be the first to say that? There's got to be, like, I don't even care what flag is in the moon. I just need to know. Who said that? Who's going to be the first one? On Wikipedia. Interdimensional racism.

Dude, someone is going to be the first to say the N-Ward on the moon. If not already, and it's just no one's piped up to it. You think no one's stubbed their toe or got their finger pinched something and that wasn't the first thing that came out. Has anyone said then we're in space? That's the true mark of

We have no proof of extraterrestrial ships or anything, right? But if we're out in space, just hammering them with the hardest of ours, that's actual territorial. That'll freak those aliens out. Well, that, and it's like no one else is making any waves like that, right? Well, because they took pretty much everything from us. Like they only send nerds to be the first

And then they're like Look, it's the first woman to take a shit Yeah, we gotta have a first black lady to take a shit in Antarctica And now we have our own It's the first one to say the N-word Who's the first guy? Yeah, exactly I was gonna say who said it first out there? Who's gonna claim it?

Do you think Sir Edmund Hillary got to the top and said Just hit it got to the top of Mount Everest And that was the only thing he could say But it just lasted for like I'm a summit and like you know Oh not even that just like Just the single word But for like a she

But like a nice 10 second long Really draw that A out He is gonna be the first on the moon To say the N word Hmm Yeah because then you need all of like The lower tier ones after you need to get like You gotta be inclusive

One guy could take them all for himself Or he could be nice and spread it around And the other people say the other slurs Is because he hogged all the racist ones for himself Yeah then we will turn on him I won't like that If he says them all We need like a

We need like the The original guy, right? Original sin The original N man The original N And then we need like Instronaut Yeah, Enstronauts

Cosmo Oh shit The Cosmo ends Space N Instead of SpaceX In a bad way Not in a fun way Right

Yeah Space N Instead of SpaceX Would be fucking crazy That is Somali have that Are they Driving guys

guys into space in Somalia, SpaceX, Space N. They got that thing like in Crash Bandicoot, Dr. Nitro. Oh, yeah. They all got that in their head.

Big brains. Jesus Christ, I hope that dude at the end is okay. I paused the episode because I thought it was going to end with a loud bang. Oh, yeah. That guy, I hope he is okay. At the end of last episode. I forgot about that until right this second. And now I have that sinking.

feeling in my stomach all over again. Maybe he called back. Let's see. What do you think he called back? Like Fred Astaire? Like Fred Astaire? Like all joy? Like singing and like dancing around his house and shit. Palm Asterisand says, new Republican movement. Irish Republicans ready to protect women and children. Oh shit, the boys are back in town. Here you go. Shit is starting to kick off here lately. It's obvious the numbers the government are saying they've let in our lies. in a small seaside village in southeast Ireland, tiny place.

There's two hotels of African and Arabic men within five miles of my house in either direction. I've got a nine-year-old daughter, and it's starting to stress me the fuck out. Wow, man. Let's see here. Let me find the link that he sent. Fucking rough.

Yeah, that's rough. They really fucked Ireland. over I don't know Is Ireland big enough so that you can force All the All the You can segregate?

Because like we segregate in America Yeah Everyone segregates themselves No one wants to live with people that aren't like them No one wants to go to Filipino town Yeah no Let me find his link Ooh

Do do Oh, did I open the same file twice? Yeah. To do. Do, do. This is the new Irish Republican movement. Okay. That's cool.

Got a little movement, huh? Oh, that looks nice. They're dressed up in ski masks. There's some motion to this movement. Wow, okay. They're holding one, is that a shotgun? This guy's holding a pistol. That looks gay.

you got to hold the same guns if you're going to do this. You've got to be dressed more of the same too. You got to iron out the crease and the Irish flag. Is this a joke? Let's see. People of Nourri morning down. We, the new Republican movement, have watched

their councillors and MLAs over the past 12 months. The level of disrespect shown to the people who put you into power. This cannot be ignored any longer. We are proud men of Ireland. We are patriots. Your policies and decision making regards to flooding our communities with undocumented military-age men is not acceptable.

We will not sit back any longer and watch our culture and religion destroyed by the people we put in power. Also, the sexual indoctrination of our children in schools has not went unnoticed either. We got an eye on that raping of kids, too. And the safety of our women and children. We have your addresses and known your movements. Every one of you are legitimate targets, as well. the new Republican movement 28, 11, 24

Woo-hoo! All right, bartenders, someone's going to have to invent a new drink. Woo-hoo! Okay, I have notes. You got to wear the same stuff. Both of those guys should have been in matching.

That guy's wearing a leather jacket like the Fonz. Other guy's wearing like a sweatshirt. Look stupid. You got to have matching guns. Okay? This is, if, this looks like you're just cobbling it together. if you are actually cobbling together your terrorist movement, you have to give the impression that you're well organized, that these things are afterthoughts. You have to give the impression

that organization, militaristic organizations are so indoctrinated into your followers that they don't even have to question them. I don't want to look at that and question why they have, if I'm being terrorized. This is, you know, terrorism is in the mind. Terrorism is mostly marketing and advertising endeavor. It's not just about the violence. If you're just doing violence, then you're just criminals. If you want to be terrorists, you've got to pay attention to the, you've got to pay attention to the way you're delivering your message,

which is matching outfits, not dressed up like the fons, maybe having a different sort of color system. The all black thing and all ski mask makes you look like Gumby. look like a black and white Gumby The blackheads, yeah Looks like a blackhead You look retarded Um

You gotta frame your shot And for the love of fucking God Use a tripod The whole thing The whole time Cameras moving around Center the shot Put some masking tape

Or duct tape on the floor Or a couple A little pile of bullets Where the guys are supposed to stand So they know where their marker is Frame the fucking flag If you're fighting for the country of Ireland frame and level the flag.

That's the most important thing in the shot. Move the camera down so it's shooting up. You look like you're in detention. Reading something off of, I don't know what this name of these people are, but you look like you got caught smoking in school and you're reading an apology to your parents about you disappointed them by the principal.

Okay? This is all simple stuff. Camera shots should be going up. You should be centered in frame. memorize your speech or if you can't use a teleprompter or for God fucking sake at least remember the threat

you are all, there's the camera what was this line you are all, we know your activities we know where you are, we know when and where you move, you're all targets now we're coming for you. Like that it's simple do a second take man

you guys are going to jail for the rest of your lives for this shit take the time to do it right look at this look at this over here it's a sheet hanging hanging off the frame

clip it back stop and do it again this looks like you have butcher paper curling up it looks like you went to the doctor and there's butcher paper curling up here in some veterinarian's lab

there's butcher paper curling up at the end of the table pull it down okay you know maybe they're just a little rusty the IRA after all these years it's new technology it's the same old IRA

but they need to adapt. Osama bin Laden did the same shit. You guys, you really got to understand. Terrorism is, it's 90% marketing. It's 99% marketing. It's one part, violence, a shitload of marketing.

And this is not doing it. If I was a target here, if I was a politician, I wouldn't be scared of a guy struggling to read, putting his gun, putting his gun, this is little things, putting his gun down.

while he's trying to read, you're the head of the criminal syndicate. You don't carry a weapon. Right. These guys do behind me and they carry two huge weapons and they match. I don't have a little pistol floating around. If I do, it's some kind of supervillain pistol like a golden gun. Or have something like that. I have a skull with a gun sticking through it or a sword or saber or something Irish, you know, like a shalala.

Right? A club. With blood all over it. That's cool. That's terrifying. A pistol, you look like a guy in a, you guys look like extras in a Brinks commercial. Yeah.

Bad. The bad job. Bad job. This isn't going to stop, this isn't going to stop your wives and kids from being raped, if that was the point of that. Thank you for the video. Good luck, man.

Good fucking luck. They're going to put a, they're going to put like a homeless building down by the freeway, by that Home Depot near me. Oh, shit. and I hate that shit yeah dude I fucking

I hate homeless people I do too hate them like I have my vitriol has only gone up over the year oh so much

it's gone up so much I really don't want them living near me having having this migrant shit near you is but at least in LA like just massive crimes happen all happen all the time nobody says or notices anything.

You know, it's different when there's, it's different when there's so much crime that people don't have the idea that, ah, I don't know how to say this. If there's no crime happening, you feel like you could get away with anything. But there's so much crime happening here, you break it in the wrong house, you're fucking dead.

Like, you're, you're trying to outcrime criminal syndicates, foreign terrorist groups, like Venezueling gangs. Right, yeah. Good luck, right? Anyway All right Dude I have not read any of this shit today

What time is it? 2.10 And how we're going on a roll Man he's so funny Yeah I was great I love that I love him And that guy calls in

Uh Gentle and sausage Maddox staring Forlornly at the camera For 90 minutes in silence Only to final utter a single word raped Oh that's if he hosted the show I think That'd be funny

accurate talk about Paul Schmitz talk about Eric Chilai's new crowdfunding scam okay what is maybe I will let's see

he's got a new crowdfunding scam hmm let's see help fund our animations ripaverse studio crowdfunding

animations okay surely this will be great okay this is an ad for a crowdfunding it's 12 seconds in and there's nothing. Jesus.

It's an hour and 40 minute ad for a crowd fund. What the hell? I saw him. Oops. Time is a fascinating thing. We often like to think of it as something that just is. Okay. But too many people let the past determine who they are.

What? It looks kind of like Garfield, doesn't it? Like the animation? Yeah, there's something about, all this like low to mid-tier level animation that just always look like it came off of someone's fucking computer.

Yeah. There's always that like one tell or it's like, oh yeah, that skipped a few frames here. It just never looks good. It never looks good. It always looks like, someone's like, yeah, look, we took scans from the comic book

and animated it. And it's like, yeah, like, it looks just as cheesy as the comic book. Mm-hmm. It's just... And you didn't do it very well. Because anime will like cheap out on animation, but at least they kind of

They really commit to it Like we're gonna just focus on this one frame for Right, that's like that's at least funny in concept And has become its own thing But there's just something about like Modern American animation And even just modern animation But it's just like it doesn't

Yeah, modern American Brazilian animation Yeah, I think that's what it comes down to Yeah When true greatness The car Isom's falling on the car again So it's just like a bunch of animated clips The same shit that we've seen

Like in a million different versions Over and over I saw I'm falling into the car Yeah I saw him fighting that other black guy Yeah Over and over and over and over Then the claymation

Isom falling into the car happens They gotta do like the SAP I saw where it's all this fan for a few canals. Everyone's got moustaches. And the sombrero, yeah. But they still talk like their

The eye sombrero, yeah. Hi, soy. Same shit we've seen already. Other stupid characters. So if I'm helping you, I have one condition. Then he's got the Jesus Christ's cross on his wiener.

Yeah It's a gift I see What are you going to do with yours He's fighting this big Space Enward Isom 2

Pre-order now Wait how old is this A day? This is a day ago This looks older than hell This was a This was a cartoon for the Isom 2 Jesus

What is this shit dude Poor spark can be an on for This is totally up to y'all with this new initiative that we are launching, okay? So I'll bring it up here and I'm going to explain Ripper works. I'll explain everything in great detail,

be interactive even with the chat because if you guys have some information that you want me to relate to you as far as how this stuff works. Give me money. That's the... That's the pitch. Give me money.

We'll make more of these shitty cartoons. Right? Okay, let's see the campaign page. The first comic got 4 million, right? Something like that, yeah. 3 million? See how the animation's doing. It looks like shit that would have gotten rejected off of UPN 13 in the 90s.

Dude, I'd be happy if I saw him got on UPN 13. I mean, I would love to see that, but it's just like kind of one of those things. It's like, okay, you just got home from school and you catch the last five minutes of some shit no one washed. And it's like, oh, yeah, that sucks like. Yeah, and it's 315. And it's the last five minutes. On UPN. Yeah.

What the hell? How did the channel get off? Before it switches to like animaniacs or something you'd want to watch. Oh, yeah. You know, so you catch like the last little bit and then it's like, okay, now the good, now that everyone's home from school, we can put on the shit. Yeah, the good shit. Shit that'll bring in ratings. If you turn it on early, go, what the fuck is, why's a retarded kid on TV in the middle of the day?

Fucking get PBS cartoons and what the fuck is this? Uh, animation fund. RIPAWorks is a brand new RIPAverse RIPNitiative that gives our reporters a way to directly back projects beyond our traditional ripaverse comic book line. Our first RIPA works Rip Payne, the RIPAVIRP Studios RIPMation Rip Fund is designed to help us nail down our ripamation style

and solidify our team for consistent, high-quality production going forward. The campaign, man, oh, man. 10 short animated clips The campaign features two main funding goals Goal 1 50 grand 10 short animated clips For $50,000

You're paying $5,000 a clip How short are those clips going to be? Three seconds Two seconds That's what's fucking crazy It's not he's making this As a means to advertise this comic books

It's no you're paying for me to make these ads You're paying for me to make these ads for the comic book. Ten short animated clips. I don't want to see that guy fall in the car anymore. You're going to see it from a different angle now. Cartoons. Goal 2, $100,000. A fully animated high-action trailer based on Ripazine 6.

And it's soon to be... So you're funding a commercial. That's what I'm saying. Which crazy is a high-action trailer. It's like because there's so much. going on, the animation is going to cost that much more, too. It takes about, it takes

like eight hours to animate five seconds, I think. That sounds about right. From the tit-mouse days. You've seen what we're capable of with our previous animation work on Isom 2, Alpha Corps 1, Yira, the Horseman, welcome to Floor Spark and Norfolka.

Glorious Death. Now we're taking that experience to the next level through RIPA works. Creating new RIPA fan-backed RIPA-Mation projects, RipB built on RIP into and RIP community Rip Gagement. Join us as we rip shape the next stage

of the RipRipaverse Rip Storytelling. Wow. Ooh, 20 grand. Wells run a little dry. Oh, you could only afford

four shorts. With that. Three. Oh, yeah, three. Three to three. Yeah.

Yeah. Not quite four. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think. anyone wants to pay for an ad for comics that they already had to buy 133 people supported this shit? That's, man.

How much is that per person? That's a lot. That's a lot. Pop-up ads? Hang on a second. I read everything on this site in Eric's voice. Hang on a second. Won't $5. Off? Text Ripper to 1-553-47-9301.

Who's buying this shit that's texting Ripper? Have you ever texted a code to a number? No. No. This is like silent generation shit. I don't even think my parents would do that. Hmm. Yeah, I think it's done, man.

Let's see. He's the kind of tell people to log on to the internet. Log on to your internet. 150 bucks a person is supporting this shit. Jesus. Wow. Can't you guys just like imagine it? the cartoon in your head?

It would probably be more environmentally friendly, right? Because then they wouldn't have to use all this fucking electricity for... Look at this. The crowdfund animation studio, Link is dead. Watch. What an asshole. Man.

Hey, Eric. Your video's dead. Dumbass. Dumbin' poop. Your fucking video's dead. Tifling ass. Nick and poop. Fucking ne'erdy well.

You dumb narrative well. Your fucking video's dead. You stupid ninnie. You've negotiated incorrectly on this one. You numb nuts. You idiot. Your fucking video's dead.

All right. Well, he's prepping everyone for when the rest of the studio dies too. Oh man, that was so funny, all that Eric's shit. Then he posted that big thing about me and something about a cow and I won't be your bull and something. That was funny. For a guy who's like, none of this affects me whatsoever. It's like, you see how bad he looks and he's like, look, guys, we've got to get this shit off the ground for once and for all.

And it's like, no. Sid Swin. I'm pretty sure all the heaven and hell shit came from the Middle Ages. where the Catholics only read verses in Latin to suppress what the Bible actually said. Oh, yeah. It seems along the same lines as telling kids behave for Santa.

The Protestant Revolution got rid of the more egregious stuff like the indulgences, but maybe the heaven and hell stuff was too hard to give up. Yeah, I bet that's it. That makes a lot of sense. So everything that we know about Christianity came from people in the middle ages making shit up. Probably because they couldn't even read Latin.

Just to like keep... to keep their congregation going, they're just making it up. Yeah. And the Bible's in Latin so nobody can fact-check them. Where else are you going to always get 10% of people's shit

every week if you don't keep that up? Do you think the Pope ever said, hey, maybe we, you know, if we print the Bible in English, like with that printing press, people are going to read it and see that we're just making all this stuff up.

That was a huge thing, yeah. It was? Yeah. And they said, ah, fuck it. Who cares? We're like, well, too bad. They already believe in it. Power of the people, yeah.

Yeah, fuck. them. And then they read it and we're like, no, this is all correct. Yes, I do believe in this. Yeah, see it says Satan right there one time. Yeah. See, it says Satan tempted Jesus. So all that Satan shit's true. Mm-hmm. They work the opposite way. Everyone's like, yeah. Yeah.

Is there, did history happen where like, Gutenberg was like, a Reddit atheist? It's like, I'm going to get, I'm going to totally fuck over religion because everyone's going to read this shit and see that it has nothing to do with heaven and hell and what they're saying. And then

everyone's like, wow, this really proves all that heaven and hell stuff. Yeah. I almost wonder if that was like a huge, like, almost got them. Damn it. Now we can use your Bible to tell the whole world about how correct it was. How correct all that heaven and hells. We'll be there to explain to them, obviously. No one's going to read all this shit.

Yeah. That's probably what happened. Who's going to read all that stuff? Assholes. Meme. Assholes. Yet another outstanding submission by Johnny Rocket to voice work. is crystal clear, clean, and sounds fully human,

more so than its actual human origin. I hope to God he finds a way and some time in his busy schedule of actually delivering his fully finished comics to entertain the idea of recreating banana docs and ox-mad. They want banana docs and ox-mad AI voices, Johnny Rocket. The crowd has spoken. The crowd has spoken.

They want banana-docks and ox-mad. Did this crap out? to? Probably. Yeah. God damn internet. We got goddammed. Did this really fuck up? Please wait, your video's finishing processing. God fucking damn it! So nobody's... nobody's seeing it. I gotta upload it right away. God fucking damn it. Because of the New York Post. Fucking assholes. Moof. Um... I've been dealing with someone in my apartment complex with a Smoke alarm beeping for three weeks.

My notes are worthless. I can't figure out which door it's behind. Gotta love Houston. Wow. What do you do? Drop batteries off? With the manual. The wrist rocket through their window?

You got to send one of those Facebook black people, the AI black people at them. Oh, yeah. Email them a link to like Facebook AI, black guy explaining, Hey, you got to change your smoke alarm batteries. If Zuckerberg can't figure that out, then what's he good for?

You know? Mm-hmm. All the social media, whatever, data tracking. If you can't figure out how to make them change the smoke alarm batteries, then what's it good for? Well, you would think battery companies would step in and be like, look at all this fucking money we could be making. Bro, I'm going to go to Durcell tomorrow. Energizer, either one. N-Dashirgizer?

Energizer. Start my own black battery brand. There's no gold top on him. That just makes smoke alarm detector batteries. Just regular 9 volt, but I'm going to say special. Special smoke alarm detector batteries. Energizer. Can I crowd fund that?

I'm sure. Blackface. Sure would make more than 20 grand. My smoke detector energizer batteries. Well, just think about it. If you think about what a widespread occurrence it is on the internet, right? You could easily track down probably over 100,000 houses that need 9 volts. And if it's like, hey, next time you're on, next time you're out and about, grab a 9 volt.

And it's like, and while you're at it, grab a durus. You know, there's totally, there's some, there's gold in them near hills. I'll dress up like J. Rock. Dern. Dern. Dern. Dress up like JZ. Dern, der, d'ert, d'n. Oh, fools. Everybody be quiet.

We should... We should both dress up like Jay-Z. Beep! Do you hear that? That's your smoke a lot, fool. You've got to change the battery with my energizer. If it goes off ten times,

the CIA is going to jump down on ropes and through your ceiling. The AP sent out a big video. The APs basically did what I'm going to do. They sent out the big thing, don't wash your chicken. No one cared about that. They thought it was great.

Yeah, but if there's money to be made... It doesn't matter if you wash your chicken or not. no companies will go Well because they're going to go They already bought the bird Yeah Oh yeah okay

Batteries go Yeah You need to buy this That's the untapped market That's what I'm saying Is you need to buy these batteries You got it Dude I'm telling you

Why aren't they go Why aren't the battery companies Going after these guys Because they're not thinking They could hire like Is Lando Calrissian still alive Billy D Williams

Oh They could do a combo Ault 45 And a 9 volt They should get Ernie Hudson making the smoke alarm beeping sound and then show him

changing it and then still making it himself he's like for white people though Ernie Hudson Landau Calrissians for black people Black people change batteries like this Yeah This is a guy sitting on a chair And it's like a chick on a ladder with like her ass

Is right in the guy's face and he's like Yeah she's changed the battery Yeah And she's like twerking and stuff changing the battery. He's like, bitch, change the battery again. Whap, slaps her ass.

That's cool. So you can be taking pride in changing your batteries and making sure your house isn't beeping. But look at all these great marketing points, man. I got hos at every smoke alarm. These are great ideas. That's what I'm, dude.

If just a single battery company was like, dude, we could make a fucking fortune right now. Oh, man, what if I wasn't recording? I would fucking kill myself. You're recording, though. Um, Bridget says, I feel obligated to defend my profession because I love what I do,

but yeah, dealing with CVS sucks. God forbid you have to call one that has an unbipassable phone tree if you need to speak to someone. The decisions that get made on a corporate level are retarded, and they never adequately are staffed

to fill prescriptions safely. Oh, that's good to know. Okay. Yeah, very reassuring. They're never adequately staffed? Why don't they just let me do it? Right. If I kill myself, that's my fuck up.

Plus, the general public treats the pharmacy like fast food. Well, yeah, because it's in the fast food store. There's like a bunch of chips and soda around the pharmacy section. Yeah, actually. Why doesn't Amazon just do it? Scott, Nelson, you really can't find most of what any American evangelical Christian believes in the Bible. Most of what they believe in is is aegesis. Isidgesis?

Hmm. Is that a bad word? Isegesis? A seguises? Hmm. A seguesis? I think if you say it ten more times, it'll probably put a curse on both of those. Sega Genesis, it looks like.

Most of what they believe is Sega Genesis. Well, it does do what would intend to. don't so I don't blame them for it oh man next time I watch TV I can't watch any TV with this little fucker running around he's big dude my kid's getting big that's crazy he's looking doing rolling over and stuff that's not good rolling over left and right he's gonna be walking around before you know it yeah laughing um I've been a fan for years love the podcast Christopher. Hey Dick. I listen to your podcast when I work out and paint. Even though I miss Sean, Johnny is great. Here's a painting I've done while listening to Dick Tales, House of Choices,

acrylics, and collage. Why do painters always tell you what the paintings made out of? Because you won't care about it otherwise. Is it just something for them to say? They always do that. Here's a painting I made. It's made out of paint. Oh yeah? It's like if you do an impression, if you don't say and this is how I talk afterward, no one will know it's what format you're doing. So if you tell people what paint and the medium you use, then, okay, now I understand this is a painting,

therefore I can enjoy it. And you go to like a museum and it's like, here's a painting called a pile of shit and it's materials, a bunch of shit. Like, oh, okay. Newspaper man, materials, newspaper, glue. Oh, wow, really? Well, it said what it is.

That means I can enjoy it now. Acrylic. newspapers Oh that's cool That does look cool Alright What's it called House of Choices

These are It says Andre A newspaper there It says Land Day over here It's a Bass Pro shop With a giant Six Sided dice

On it That's cool These are trees, palm trees. They symbolize relaxing, taking it easy. And the Bass Pro Shop symbolizes Middle America. Yes. And the Six represents having sexual intercourse. Sex.

Sounds the same. So it's a big orgy Bass Pro Shop that he's painted. That's cool. Very cool. Thanks for sending that. Thank you. Twobies says advice to listeners. Hey Dick and Johnny.

This is in response to the email you got about doing plumbing or programming, but applies to any listeners weighing up their career options. I've been an electrician for 20 years. Anyone considering pursuing a trade or a degree which can be done by Indians or AI should absolutely do a trade. Really? I make around 230,000 working as a service tech for Caterpillar working in power generation. Whoa. Damn, that's cool.

For that, I work an eight-day Fortnite. What? Like the game? Yeah, he's playing eight days worth of Fortnite? Holy shit. This guy's got a cool job. You get paid for that? And I only do around four to five hours of actual work daily.

Whoa. That's cool. The market for trades is only getting better at the moment, and the labor shortages are growing. This is the first chance the current generations, have had for anything even slightly resembling boomer prosperity. If you run your own business, the opportunities are nearly endless. Endless? Wow.

What's he trying to sell us now? Yeah, is this a military recruiting thing? Yet it is possible to make a lot of money in a degree field. But you, listener, will not make that money. It will go to an Indian migrant. No, I don't know about that. You will be tied to a desk for the rest of your life, miserable and resentful. uh get the trade make the money make the money you can go back and get a degree later if you change your mind

the trade doesn't leave you in debt thank you and go fuck yourself well the yeah i mean trades are pretty rough on your body aren't they he's gonna email us next year and be like now that i'm a pile of dust yeah yeah yeah do whatever you want is that guy the one that guy that was jacking off to standard uh uh whatever that's standard

what is that AI program called mid journey oh some he was he said he was making a bunch of big tited AI women so he wanted to go to college and get a degree

that's right like that would make him more in tune with the jackoff hentai or something you know you if you really like if you really want this now this guy's an idiot don't listen to him

if you really want to make money and you like making jack off AI you should be making fake only fans jackoffs for other guys you should be making fake only fans profiles out of AI and using AI

to string the guys along for sex and make money like that that's where the real money is caterpillar dog shit making fake whores this guy's playing with buzz all day?

Fuck that. Yeah, you're working around other guys constantly, gay. Stupid. You need to get in the fake

whore business. Get yourself a stable of all your fake hoars that you're making. Yeah, then you can really hang out with guys

all day. Then you can meet a bunch of guys who are into your hobby, jacking off. You could all start gayer together. Uh,

uh, oh, I got a, whoa, I got a ton of Fat stuff. All right, let's do Fat Watch. Fat Watch.

I can't think this shit didn't work. Everything crashed. God damn it. I'll upload it right away when the show's done. Okay. Fat Watch. Triumph TV. This could be good.

Yeah. Did I skip any questions? Oh, geez. That's a big... Oh, wow. and true encounters with fat women. Should I save that to Weight Watchers? Save that for Weight Watchers.

Because I have purposely not bringing in any fat shit. Good, good, good, good, good, good. I'd like to say I've been hoarding it, but it's just all out. Yeah. We're doing a little show and tell, I guess. This is a fat woman. She's like the Goblin King from the Hobbit. This bitch has the Goblin King chin.

Remember that guy? Yeah. She's the Goblin King crab. Jesus Christ. This is a specific type of Latina The Goblin King Oh Yeah, it's called

This is a specific type of Latina Which is all of them Which is 90% of them Have my She has a point He says she has no points on her Maybe the tips of her, even the tips of her hair are fat Measuring tape

And you know what, we're just gonna She's measuring her chin Well, no, she's measuring her gizzard. She's measuring under her chin. Oh, my God, gross. It's three inches long. Let's give them a little bit. Three and a half.

That's what these men that are commenting about my chin. It's so huge. It's so big. Oh, no. Why is it so long? Three and a half inches. Yeah, that's huge. That's what...

For your chin. eyes, our thinking is huge for your face, yeah. Just putting that out into it. Oh my God, look at her turn to the side. Look at this.

So it's your penis. She's saying you have a small penis. Just. Look at this. Her fucking whole head has rebound from her or like recoil from when her chin wags. She looks like launch pads, chin.

Hey, Mr. McDee. She's the not-so crimson chin Holy fuck It's crazy when the big Bug-Eye sunglasses look Like tiny, like Mr. Potato Head glasses on me. That's like, that's a big bitch. He's the crimson chin

Latina version. It's just a rojo chin. God, what a fat bitch. Jesus. Okay. Daniel Price. Dude, it's way too good. It's way too good.

The first bitch was trying to trying to go down like three steps after she did her dance while the rest of the fats are doing theirs. All right, let's see. What's her dancer name? You know, I think we've seen this one. It's a giant blueberry, like gigantic. Some black women look like they're smuggling a car in their dress. Yeah, I would say her dancer name is Jesus Christ.

She looks like the Michelin, man. His wife. Oh my god, now she's showing her ass to everybody. What is this? America's got fat women. This is, uh... What is, it says something, am, something, and H. Darling's, what did that say?

Oh, there's more, all the fat women dance. Okay. It says darjeeling something? It's like, is this like a troupe? Darjeeling unlimited. Holy fuck. It's like a troop of fat black women that they take around India.

Her knees are fucking buckling, man. This bitch, this new one's got a neon top. Okay, this is a bunch of fat black women dancing. Foof. Merry Christmas dick and Johnny says Liam. Uh-oh. All right?

It's two women. Are they? Oh, a big fat woman pops out of a box. And her tits are through holes cut in a sheet, and her tits have bows on them like presents. They're like flapjack tits. Jesus Christ. Is that her stomach making that sound?

Oh, oh. What's the way her tits are flapping against her lungs and it's forcing air out of her mouth? Out of her gaping maw. Oh. Ew. If you see me at school, no, you don't. Her name is X. Emerson Eclipse.

It's like a goth girl. It's like two goth girls in a big goth girl suit. It's basically albino slimer trying to pass in a human disguise. Look at this stomach. Oh, my God. I just. It's not like a Lucas Films logo anywhere, is there? Holy shit.

Oh, come on. She's got a gunt that I'm like I've never seen before. She's got two gut clefts working. This woman is screaming for to be turned into Doris Baddanov. I was just fucking thinking that. Put a little hat on her. Man. Right here.

Put a little nose right here. You can do Natasha bungee jumping off the side. Is this what got this? now. Ugh. That's disgusting. That's depressing.

That is a doughy, that is a one doughy fat bitch. Busted a bucket of biscuits on that one. Holy shit. Okay, here is how me and

Bay spend quality time braids and booking. This is a guy feeding his pet hippo chicken wings. And her it's a fat black woman

laying seductively on a counter on a marble countertop that was cantilevered by SpaceX and she's got a her stomach looks like a chocolate like a chocolate souffle yeah one of those mini

chocolate donuts yeah the mini chocks but like massive her stomach looks like her entire stomach looks like a giant horses asshole. Mm-hmm. And color and texture. And I'm sure tastes. Yeah, I'm sure. Taste worse. Do you think that guy was fucking it before he fed her? I don't think that guy has a penis. He's trying to kill her. There's some kid being bad in the background. Look at the way her stomach hole opens and closes when she laughs. Watch. Oh.

It's like lips. Look, it's like lips now. Jesus Christ. It's like fucking lips. Her entire stomach is like laughing as she moves. Oh, ho ho ho. Like it has a mouth. Laugh and your stomach laughs with you, man. Is he feeding her the whole bone too?

I think he's cramming it in her mouth. Yeah. I've never seen this sort of weird crease on a stomach before. I can tell they've been together for years. God bless them. Yeah, God bless them is right. All right, that's the show, everybody. You guys been stuck for all these years.

Trying to escape right here. Jesus. La la la la la. Okay. No call me. Presenting. Bubba. Baba.

Baba. Baba ba ba ba ba ba. All right. Let's do some voicemails. Good morning, Dick, Johnny. So just two things real quick. One, you ever go to Christmas parties, Thanksgiving parties, shit like that, and your wife or girlfriend tell you, oh, you'll love hanging out with this person. You both smoke weed.

You're both the same age. But that person's a dick shit, and they want you to hang out with them all party. And they're just idiots. I hate that shit. The second thing I hate is, don't. going to a Christmas parade, a kid's Christmas parade. And all night, you got to listen to these little fucks yell out. Six seven, six seven.

He's one throwing their hands up like they're jacking off. What the fuck is going on? All right, guys. Six seven's cool. Don't forget to bring your kid up to Lompoc to watch Rocket Launch. They're no fun in the front yard. You've got to come here to watch them. Maybe six or seven years when he's old enough.

We'll go up there. You got to work, you say six seven, you got to work it in. Yeah. That guy's right, though. There's nothing worse than fucking like, oh, you love this person. Anytime someone says that to me about anything. Yeah. Oh, you're going to love this movie.

You're going to... I just always fucking know that I'm never going to take a suggestion from them ever again. Yeah. You're going to love this guy. He thinks I'm an idiot, too. Yeah. Oh, okay. Let me talk to him.

You think he hates... You're going to love this guy. He hates his wife. too. Oh, really? Yeah. Hmm. And now we're best friends because we both hate you. You're going to love this guy, except there's one big difference.

He hates his wife. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of good. Why did we let Maddox's stupid red delicious shit slide? The reason red delicious tastes mealy as fuck is because it was was bred for appearance instead of flavor. This is a well-known thing. You can look it up on Wikipedia. Maddox's explanation is that some group

bought a bunch of Red Deliciousses put them in a fucking warehouse and just left them to rot. He's like, yeah, they became mealy because of that. Yeah. What sense does that make? Why would it be a giant warehouse full of rotten apples? I know. Why did they just sell those rotten apples

and sort of throwing away? Like, oh, we already filled the warehouse. I guess we have to sell Amelia's fuck apples now. I know the apple debate got fucking exhausting for you, but, like, how did nobody catch that? There was no, I'm listening to the original biggest problem. There's no, like, voicemail explaining that that's not the case. You never call him out, Sean never calls them out.

Like, people call them out on the fact that Red Delicious's are not back, as he claimed. Like, that was true. you guys argued that Red Delicious tastes disgusting but man nobody fucking calls him out in the fact that like his explanation for why people don't like Red Delicious makes zero fucking sense

you gotta send him an email call him out well it's like he's drinking cooking wine and being like can you believe this wine fucking doesn't taste good? Yeah I mean obviously he had a retarded explanation as to why but it's just like yeah if you're trying to chomped out

chow down on some it was such a weird comment decorative apples like What did you expect? Was there a time when red delicious apples were all the shit? I remember as a kid. It was because before they figured out, like, they should start improving apples because it was like red delicious, like Fuji, like some of the, like...

It was just red and green when I was a kid. Right. That's what I thought. Then they were like, fuck it. Let's just go apple crazy. Apple man fucking came down and said, these apples suck. Don't you guys have any good apples? I'm like, well, I guess.

For eating, yeah. You don't ever want to. to run into fucking Appleman. Appleman's pissed off. That guy's an asshole. Fucking anti-Semite of the decade, Appleman. He's just sitting in like a blown out, like a detective, a run-down detective office, like eating, taking a bite out of an apple and just crushing it every time he reads to the news.

Okay. Hey, Dick, hey Johnny. This is Coach Cake. So I was listening to the recent episode of the biggest problem. you guys don't have been playing voicemails so I'm living here. I'm so fucking pissed off because Vito is so fucking recorded. The Dakeville shit, it is maybe what he is referring to, the single drug that's in the mix of Dakeville. Yeah.

Maybe that's a placebo. But here's the thing. Dakel is not a fucking placebo. Here's what the, what fixes your cold, quote unquote. You got to call into the other show. I remember the full name of the drug, but the DXM is the main. is the main cost suppressant that makes you feel better

that that is that exists in DayQuil that's what works in NyQuil that what's works in RayQuil works See here's my thing is You're all fucking casuals I'm the only one buying Z Quill's

Night Pain No I've not heard anyone talk about fucking night pain You guys are like I think I might have some night pain night or day quill nightquil no no no no go deeper get the bottle of night pain get the z you will take one fucking thing of that and not wake up the next day it is they should not whatever is in night pain they should not be selling whether it causes it or cures it i don't know i got i got some the other night and i was thinking about you so i'm like why did my body hurt that was i got fucking night pain

that was the one time in my life i've ever called you something wrong well no because i heard about Night pain. I saw it on TV and was like, there's no fucking way. So I called you. And I was like, dude, you're never going to believe this. Hey. Thanks, whoever the fuck that was that wrote in a non-existence of the rapture and the Bible. I had to go to church three times a week my entire childhood.

And I was deathly afraid. I lived my life in abject terror, 24-7. that if I ever did anything wrong, I would burn in hell and I had to watch my family float up in the sky away from me while I was condemned with the mark of the beast

and then sentenced to death by beheading my grandparents would tell me if I wanted to go to heaven and I had to be decapitated. Oh. Making more shit up. That kind of, you know, fucked up my whole life. That's a way in though.

As a child, thank you for this lovely insight, everybody. Okay. just do a uter right in front of you fucking jig. Whatever. Oh. Wait, what did he call him?

What? It sounded like he combined two great words. Sir, was that an, did an aboo used to belong on that word? Is that what you're using in traffic? Huh. Yeah. Well,

I thought it was a combination of two. Yes, I know. but I think it was, I think he made his own abrieve. There was a little apostrophe. It was an old classic. Hey, Dick, hey, Johnny. It's the big Nerf guy again. Yes.

I'm calling back because you told me to. Good. Yeah, you can hook up. You actually can hook up a tire pump and shoot a Nerf dart with it. Ooh. There's a project that you can look up online. It's called Jericho.

You can 3D print an entire rod. rocket launcher around like one of those automatic tire pumps that are like a hundred bucks you can find at Walmart. And you can freaking, yeah, poke a hole through cardboard, maybe poke a hole through, not really people's skin that you can leave a freaking mark. It's like paint pole. I might even freeze a dart for that. I don't know. But yeah. Let me know if you guys want more nerve stuff, even if it's cringe.

I don't know. uh yeah smooth is for johnny go freak yourself no that is cool what he doesn't swear that guy doesn't swear he's he nerfed his swears too he's wholesome he's not using real bullets or even paint balls man he's just

in it for the love of the game the nerve guy uses doesn't swear words he's a good guy man that's does he say i do nerve i also don't swear is that part of his If he called you an F afterward I think that would make it funnier

Yeah Yeah I want more of those stories Okay Hey Dick Hey Johnny I'm Sean I've long suspected I think this is confirmed

I'm the most recent biggest problem stream The reason why Vito Spirled out of control so bad On top of the drugs Which is probably a key factor But Was the seething resentment

towards Riley for dating men in the first place. Which I think is the same reason the fans hated Riley since Jump, even though he's been kind of a minimal part of the show. It's just, you know, he's this kind of seeming low status, quote-unquote,

guy dating a really hot homing fans chick. Exemplified by veto's out of pocket rape comments, which came out of nowhere. But I think it was really solidified in this most recent episode with the unapologetic glee from the $2 super chat that was needing to explain to everyone why she... She's so crazy.

She's so out of control. She just cheated on Riley and stole the stuff. I knew she was insane from death. All the hot women, they're always so crazy. Yeah, I think that has something to do with it. Anyways, play this one, send on my other one. Bye, guys. Uh-oh, what did you say on the other one?

Probably messed up. I think he said kiss me on the mouth, goodbye. Yeah, okay. More of that stuff. All right, one more. Let's do it. Hey, Dakin, Johnny. A little bit drunk.

It's 12, 15 on a Friday. I'm listening to your guys' most recent episode. Oh, I heard the nerve shit. and I was like I can probably talk about some Nerf shit for a minute if you give a fuck But yeah man So I had a bunch of modded Nerf guns

That I eventually gave away to people With garage sales and shit But man we had one that we had modded That had like a long copper barrel on it And you had to kind of like shove the dark down it Like a muzzle loader And we replaced all the internals With fucking metal pieces

Instead of plastic And remove the air restrictors And put rubber bands around I mean, we fucking doctored that shit up Too hard and it would hit You put it in a garage sale And it looked cooler because it had a big old fucking copper barrel on it Yeah, that would be cool

Man, those are the days Anyway All right All nerve stuff happening out there, I guess Yeah, you guys have to duke it out and see who's the coolest Nerf guy Yeah The guy who loses

An I Yeah Imagine getting blasted by a fucking steampunk Nerf gun and it fucking hurts. You'd feel like such a bitch after that? That's steampunk kill much so. Yeah, like that sad trombone was probably the funniest bit

of the past 10, 15 years of bits on a stupid show. I thought that was you, Dick. But that was him. I don't... No, it was me. I played the trombone, you idiot. That wasn't on the

fucking... There wasn't a sound effect on a voice Have you ever heard a sound effect coming through on a voicemail? No. Shitty call, but a very high-res. No, dickhead. You're supposed to be able to use your ears in your brain to figure out where the sounds coming to contextualize sound. Fucking retard.

The guy didn't put a sound effect on the voicemail. All right, Johnny, I want to do the thing, but I got to go. We got to go. I had no idea. No, I have a wedding. He stole time. And he stole all the time. Wouldn't be the first thing he's stolen.

Yeah. Jeffrey. The hearts of all his listeners. Hello. My name is Maddie Muskitts. Little Manny Muskets. Little Jeffrey Muskets is like my new. Like ABCD.

And it was like when he turned like 13, all of a sudden he like he no longer wears like the nice little suit to go along with it. He's just like then he's just Manny now. Yeah. Yeah, cool. All right, everybody. See you next week. See ya.