The Dick Show - Episode 489 Dick On Santacon

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Santa rips me off, endangered plants and the Malibu fire, Nick Funetes rapes Piers Morgan, a cholo tries to shake me down, H1-B teachers, the Gravedigger calls in, how to cremate fat people, haunted toys, Luigi Mangione's to-do list, and China lays down the law on delusional women; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

It's a very real conspiracy. Let's just, let's leave it at that. You can be sure of that. If there's one thing I'm sure of in this world, it is that. It's legit, man. I know my meat. I know when I'm getting skimped on meat. I could smell it.

I could, I pick up the meat, the deli meats. I know something's up with this. I know that they're rounding up. I know that they're rounding up. Fucking me over. It's bullshit. Seven meats, that's unacceptable. People are going to think

this is the same episode as last week because I'm still talking about the meat, but It's still sitting on the day Sitting right there They're fucking around man They're fucking around with everything They're fucking around with the meat. They fucked me. Santa fucked me.

Santa fucked me. Santa fucked you? Santa Claus Fucked me. Did he rave you? Rick Caruso. You know that dickbag Rick Caruso?

That realtor guy that hired like hired up a bunch of private firemen to put out his precious mall, the Americanas or whatever, or the one of the Palisades. Classic classic fucking dickbag.

It's just anarchy out here. So what happened with Santa? Everyone needs that fucking water, man. It doesn't give it. We don't give a fuck that you hired private firemen. It's that they're using their fucking water that everyone needs. You fucking asshole, you fat

piece of shit. It's that you're not It's that you have never been out in the front line saying, man, we can't put these idiots in power? They just fuck up constantly. All this shit is fucked. But then he's got, he's got like the Americana, this outdoor mall. It's an outdoor mall in California. And L.A. is just riddled with homelessness and blacklessness or blackfulness, crime. Homelessness, blackfulness.

That's the problem with it. It's fucking, it's just so much fucking crime. And Mexican Cholo's man. This fucking dirtbag, Mexican Cholo. My wife's backing out of our driveway. And, you know, we live in the fucking hills. So you need like a, even as a man, I need like a five-point turn to get out of the driveway sometimes. Women need 11-point turns.

It makes, these roads are so fucking small I can barely get my car through. It's crazy. Bro. And then the people like, you know, people across the street, they always, they always, my neighbor has this wonderful ability to park his car, like, right in the, the fucking red zone where you can't I've I've been trapped in my driveway sometimes I'm like I can't back I can't do a Infinity plus one point turn and get out of here. I'm just stuck I'm not going I've come back in through my wallet down I said I can't go to the store after all baby because I'm overing to the grocery store is this guy

he found this way to park just directly directly. Oh easy are we rolling I hope so Cholo runs his bike into my wife and then says And says, I'm coming back tomorrow and you better have some money I'm like, whoa, whoa, what? What the fuck? These fucking nitrous heads, these nitrous heads are trying to take over, man. I'm coming back tomorrow, you better have some money. I'm like, oh, ha, ha, I have something.

How much does a single bullet cost? I have something, buddy. I'll have something for you. money. Rick Caruso's So we've got these outdoor malls and they're the only place you can go to escape from the homeless people. So it's like a little

elizium in these private developer enclaves but it sucks because you've got to pay whatever to be there and there's like a Tesla dealership in there. It's like an archaeology in Sim City 3,000. It's the only place you could go to get away from the homelessness and the blackfulness. I can't say that. I'm just joking. The Cholo-cholowness is just the amount of crime.

crazy. What was he talking about? Getting fucked by Santa. Getting fucked by Santa. Oh yeah, and then that was the fire. These assholes building these private enclaves are never like, hey, you guys really, really fucked up with this fire. Like, there's, I saw some texts today.

Maybe I'll, maybe I can bring them up now. From like the environmental agency saying, hey, if the firemen can avoid this, this endangered plant, that would. would be great. I saw that too. Did you see that shit? Let me see if I can get it right now. Hang everybody involved. Fuck that. Fucking hang them. Get rid of them. Topanga State Park employees. Let me read the exact verbiage because it's so, it's so like corchungous and obnoxious. Here it is. Hi, Christy. Are you at the fire? Already I hated. Hi, Christy. Are you at the fire? What do you mean, am I at the fire? The fire that's like burning everyone's home? Are you at the fire?

Like the store? I will be. I'm getting ready now. There, and this is idiot. Topanga State Park employees. So that's just like a state park. Topanga cany is the ones right above Malibu. There's a federally endangered estrangelis

along Temescal Fire Road. Would be nice to avoid. When I see the half sentence, would be nice. would be nice to avoid cutting it if possible would be nice for the firemen to avoid

cutting this weed this shit that looks like a weed on the fire road while they're trying to save no no no no cut it on purpose you know like how the fireman when there's a when somebody parks next to a fire hydrant

and they can go around it but they bash through the windows for fun that's the correct move that's what that's what I want qualified immunity for. They should take the fire hoses and spray the plant out of the dirt. They should hook it right up to her mouth, the fire hose, and explode her brain. There's nothing in there.

Do you have avoidance maps? I have a couple of reeds on standby. I'll wait to deploy them until you get on scene and assist the situation. Definitely when we'll want to send them down if heavy equipment arrives. Okay, if heavy equipment arrives. Okay, I'll let you know. Don't bother them with this shit. Don't bother them.

That is the most retarded Don't bother them with Anything sure do you want mass destruction or to save an Endangered plant I mean if the plant had huge tits I would understand Yeah You know let's save that let's do what we can to save that plant I want to fuck that plant

It's shit out of that plant I'm gonna come back here when it fires die down I'm gonna fuck I'm gonna titty fuck that plant But it doesn't It's just like an ugly ass weed Now who holds the tites titty's in a titty fuck dick would it be you were the plant i don't know

but oh the plant oh well uh I guess I could wrap it around right I don't know I don't want to get too erotic at this so early in the show question I always you always have to ask gotta be prepared I've never had an answer to it but um

and then Santa so remember how I said Santa was sixty dollars yeah that was that was I don't know what I was thinking I don't know what I was thinking thinking that the price on the website would be the price that you'd end up paying

for Santa. Was it $60?00 for Santa? The $60 price was for one, eight by seven printout or something like that. The digital package, the digital package, if you want the digital files, which obviously

I do, that's a hundred bucks. At Rick Caruso's Santa Rape Shack, Santa's Holiday Rape Shack at the Americana's with no homeless He took a whole day for you That's Christmas Day

I spent my hundred bucks On a digital photos So I said well you know what This little motherfucker And he's wearing his Santa shirt Which I hate It's stupid Showed up as a big

The two Santa fan boys You know what though? It worked out in the end I got the picture I wanted I said oh yeah okay I mean obviously I wasn't I don't know why I thought I was getting out of the $60

dollars, but I said, okay, yeah, digital 100 bucks, yeah, why not? How many of these? I only have to do this like, I don't know, I only have to do this like seven times, right? So, 700 bucks, max, you know?

How much does it go up every year? That's for life. Don't ask that. Now it's going to start going up every year. So we take the pictures and then we get the digital downloads and I'm like, oh, nice. It says 11 megs. Damn, this is going to be a nice ass.

This is going to be a nice-ass picture. It's gonna be a nice ass resolution. I'm gonna be able to see what exactly. I'm gonna be able to see if Santa's eyes are a little, even a little bit off, right? Yeah, load the picture up. And I zoom in. I'm like, it looks all fucking pixily.

What the hell? Maybe I didn't download it right on this like internet, right? I go home, get on a good internet, download it again. Zoom in, it's all fucking pixely again. What do you mean, Santa? You fucking grinched my, you grinched my fucking pixels, dude? This is a, how does it, how does it pixel? ass pixel

hit 11 megs. You guys are stuffing megs into this shit somewhere. You fucking, you grinched my, you grinched my resolution, dog. Using a Sony pocket cam for your fucking $100 photo. You got these hose. First of all, the hose, the Santa's hose

were a lot hotter when I was one years old. Now, dumpy. They should be pulling the sleigh. Who do you think eats all the cookies? He's eating, fucking elves are eating all the cookies. These bitches. So I don't know where the breakdown is.

The breakdown's never at my wallet, though. That's the one. The breakdown could happen anywhere between anywhere. Anywhere in the chain. It could be a fat chick, not using the right settings. It could be saving on pixels or something fucking everybody over. Could be the gay guy running the photo booth that dicked it up somehow. Thinking about cocks, swiping on Grindr, other than paying attention.

But the breakdown. Never. It's the fires for some bitch distracting firemen with saving weeds. You know? Mayer's off in fucking Africa. All the way in Timbuktu. She's in Timbuktu. No one's filling the thing with water. No one's filling, no one's saving any of the delicious water that we need to fight the fires. Could be guys hiring private firemen to spray water all over there, gay. Maybe she was over there trying to help collect all the water from the batteries they were recycling over there. But it's never, the breakdown is never at my wallet. Yet again, yet again.

So I was seething about that. And then my buddy says, hey, I'm going to Santa Con the next day. I was like, what's Santa Con? It's a pub crawl where everyone's dressed like Santa. I was like, oh, no shit. All right, so I typed it into Google SantaCon, right? And it goes, boop, price, like 50 bucks or something. I said, no fucking way.

I'm not, I'm blaying my foot down. There's no, no, no, no. Mine is the secret underground Santa Con. You just show up at this, at this, there is a ticket you can pay for where you can just show up and meet us there. So he's doing a competing Santa Con for the real Santa Feaks, right? He was such, he was so into Santa Con, but he had some sort of a, I don't know, argument about commercialism with the legit Santa Con. So now he did his own off-shootshoot Santa Khan. I was like, all right.

I need to wash this taste of, you know, I need to wash this taste of $100 Santa, low pixel-ass Santa out of my mouth. I could have brought my backup. I could have brought the phone that I used to use for Twitter. This is my backup number. You could have just built him out of Legos, and that would have been the same.

I could have just done a selfie, man. Fucking Santa stealing-ass pixels. So we're at the bar. Baby's all dressed up and Santa's shit, right? And like, now this looks appropriate. And then all this, I'm like, I don't know, you know, it's like an offshoot Santa thing, right? I'm trying to lower my expectations

because I think I'm like, probably just a bunch of drunks showing up. We wait, the time, the estimated time, the time they're supposed to show up passes. I'm like, all right, well, hope they get there before we got to go with the baby. And then lo and behold, we're like, ah, maybe we should just go.

Santa's not coming. Lo and behold, fucking four school buses of Santa Claus is hanging out the window. I'm rolling down Los Felice Boulevard to the Red Lion Tavern. A Santa,

a Santa parade like you've never seen in your life before. I'm streaming into the bar. I said, this what? This is, and I held my, you know, I help my son up. Hey, everybody! Look at this fucking bad parenting over here

Oh Got a picture Full resolution on the picture That's what Christmas is about That is That's what Santa is about Not the hundred bucks Not

Not Rick Caruso Not a bunch of fat elves Fat Rick Caruso Fat ass Rick Caruso Man fuck Rick Caruso That's son of I fucking hate that guy All right let me do the show

Presenting Uh The We got Weight Watchers is out Weight Watchers 4 is out The Grave Digger is calling in today If I don't fuck that up Hey yeah

Welcome Dick You want to take you to Dick you love to you got it The show where everything is a contest Coming to you live from Mountain Borker Deep in the heart of the city failure I'm your host Dick Masterson aka the $20 million Man joining me is Johnny the audio engineer Down and Dirty Johnny

That's me Audio engineer Can you believe that motherfucker? You better have some money ready That's so crazy What are you fucking pimp? You better be wearing a fucking bulletproof fast when you show it to my house talking like that dumb

motherfucker? Do your motherfucker? Get the fuck out of here. You notice that we're not, that our house doesn't have one of those like we believe signs in front of it? I think that is. Call ice on your ass. You step, man, you step, if I see you coming,

I'm icing your ass. I'm calling fucking ice. Dunzo. I have ice on speed dial. I got two phones. I'm calling I'm calling two, I'm calling

ICE insiders. I'll call Cernovich. Get your buddies in ice. I'll call Jack Popesik. Okay, get ice down here right away. I'm gonna call Tom Holoman.

Hollow man. That guy that deportes everybody. Man, I'm gonna deport your ass. I'm gonna call every fucking day. Every, I'm gonna get every Home Depot guy gone.

Eventually, they're gonna deport somebody that you like. So you better fucking watch it. You're on borrowed time, buddy. You're on barrio time, pal. You're on barrio time, you fucking cock sucker.

I'm going to dial I, see, and then if I even hear your whistling ass coming around. Boom, E, 1-800-ice. I'm going to tweet at them right now. 1-800, go back home. 1-800, adios, machoos. You better fucking watch it. You better fucking watch it. they best

oh man let's see um what do I have oh man do you see Nick Flentes on Pierce Morgan

a little bit yeah it's pretty funny he said six seven joke that's funny about the Holocaust that's you know

just when it was like you know the six seven way come and gone and it was like older people were complaining about it because it's annoying and we don't understand and all this other stuff.

But after that, I'm like, that is funny. That is like... And then he had, Pierce Morgan had Nick Fuentes on, who said, I don't care about any... And Pierce Morgan said, you need to get laid. Like, just the gayest boomer thing.

Like, no one... Right? Like, your entire existence, your entire worldview needs to be validated by stigma. Honestly, if women weren't if the average weight if women wasn't a hundred and like 75 pounds you might that might be

you might have some merit to that yeah yeah that might hold water right but uh since you are basically sticking your dick in a hippopotamus it's not really something to be very proud of it doesn't really display good thinking like in the 70s that probably did display good a good mental model of the world oh wow hot Hot bitches walking around.

I should have sex with one. Boom. Well, that, and I feel like for the first time, there's, like, a generation that wasn't indoctrinated with that stupid fucking grease movie. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I feel like, well, just the singing and like, yeah, it's about like, you just got to get pussy, man. Yeah.

Some are loving. Yeah. Did you get some pussy? Yeah, I got some pussy. Yeah. It's like, I fucking hate that shit so much. And I'm so glad shit like that's going away. because it's like, yeah, there's so much more

you can fucking be doing in your day. Then just thinking about, I mean, you turn it, you see guys that just all they care about is pussy, and they are kind of turn into women. They're fucking insane. The way they talk is fucked up. The way they act is fucked up. Like, they've built these,

they've built their entire lives just around responding and thinking about women. And then you had it displayed for everyone with that. Well, you haven't even gotten late. Yeah. I mean, Pierce, have you seen,

have you seen your wife, dude? Yeah, she's, owes money, she's, owes money all over town to known pornographers.

Your wife's posting, I looked at, his, Pierce Morgan's wife's posting like, a mostly naked man washing her car who goes by the name of Mr. Suds in her house,

and I looked him up on, on Google, and he's like a jigolo car washing man. That's, washes your car in a speedo. Like, This is, this is like sick. Mr. Suss.

If my wife called him Mr. Suds, I would kill her. I would replace her with a puppet. He didn't just say Mr. Suds. I want to get off this wild ride. Mr. Suds. And then, and then, Pierce Morgan had a Dr. Phil on, and they coped,

they had a copse about it or Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil said he was, like, proud of Pierce Morgan, because he got Nick Fuentes to admit the Holocaust numbers were true, because everything in their entire worldview is just like, it's just using things to bully you into retracting your statements that you genuinely had and felt.

Everything is like you're being racist, you're hating women, you're being a Holocaust. Like, oh, did you say something that you feel and you've managed to say it and give your reasoning? Well, what about women, black people in the Holocaust? Now how do you? Now how do you?

Because everything you're thinking leads, everything you're thinking eventually leads to harm on those three things. If you're getting something, if you're getting, you know, money, then somehow these three things aren't getting money. So I bet you regret, you know, you're going to cause another rape or you're going to cause another misogyny or racism or a Holocaust with what you're thinking.

So you better recant it. Dr. Phil said he was proud of him for getting Nick to admit it. And I was like, man, this is a... I got goosebumps. I'm like, Nick told me. watching me on Dr. Phil red-pilled him on women, right? And here we have Boomer, like, we have, we have Boomer No patient zero, Dr. Phil.

And we have Pierce Morgan's, I think he's a little younger, right? I think. But they're about the same age. Dr. Phil's like my dad's age, and I bet Pierce Morgan's is Nick Plenthouse's age. And we're like, this is cross-generational internet. internationally televised rapes that happened to you two guys my protege raped your ass on TV in front of just like I raped your ass right that's what I that's what I watched and I said no fucking way I got goosebumps I'm like it really it really does matter every all of these decisions that we

make in a vacuum you think they're in a vacuum but they really do matter they have they have they have lasting and generational effects on the world and culture of raping these two assholes who totally fucking deserved it. Dr. Phil's an asshole, deserve to get raped. Pierce Morgan deserves to get doubly raped. You fucking cock suckers. They're just like, they just, you know, fuck you, right? It's that unlimited smarmyness that just needs to fucking go. Radiates off of them. Uh, right? I fucking hate it so I got laid

Every single every single time Make me like women less How about that? I need to get laid? Oh That's not gonna improve your opinions of women Buddy In the words of the great Back when he was called Kanye West

He said I don't know what's better Getting late or getting paid But I know when I'm getting one The others getting away And that resonates with me Every fucking day I know what was the last line

I know when I'm getting one the other's getting away. Yes. So, yeah. I don't want to get laid every day. I would like to get paid most days. I don't get paid every day.

And late some days. I got to talk to Nick after that. Yeah. I told my wife, you're never going to fucking believe this. Dr. Phil is fucking coping with Pierce Morgan. On TV of all places. On TV.

About the raping that he's just endured. Boom! Dr. fucking Phil, man. Don't ever feel bad about anything you've said or done. Mostly. Yeah. Well, within reason. Within reason. Uh, it's just the same shit.

It's the same shit they always do. Oh yeah, well, like I was on Dr. Phil. How would your mother feel if she hurt, like the same fucking shit. Always the same. How would you feel of this? Just trying to twist the knife. Fuck you over. Okay, let's... Chuck Schumer passed a resolution against Nick 2. And in the resolution in Congress, it says he's...

They want to denounce him because he has something called Hitler Friday. Or Hitler Friday. I don't know what that is. But that's in the... That's in an official Congress document. It's something called Hitler Friday. Is it like a pizza Friday? That's what it makes me think of.

So are they having, everyone's the class splitting a Hitler? Pizza and brick ovens? Kind of Friday? What's going on here? It's a brick oven pizza? Do you dress like him and then make brick oven pizzas? Yeah, what do you do? Use rations for toppings?

I was at Burning Man and they had an abortion bar. You come over and have an abortion and they, it was really, it's the sickest thing I've ever seen, and I hated every second of it because it was so demented. It was, they had little like fetuses and you chop, Their heads off and drink the jello shot inside. And I said, this is, I'm going to participate in it because it's disgust me. So much, this is terrible that you guys are doing.

They're screaming about it, you know? Like, wow, okay, well. Do they have the abortion bus behind them? You know what? The Santa's had a short bus. For the elite Sanas. They rolled up with a fucking short bus. I'm like, bro.

For the ones that really thought they're, or Santa? Yeah. Oh, man. They were the real deal. So I thought maybe that's what Hitler Friday is, like that abortion bar. Yeah. That's not any more or less offensive than the other.

Really? Yeah. It's really not. Okay. Let's see. Here's California Attorney General says, I thought this was funny. California's new, Trump's new unlawful, $100,000 H-1B fee. Here's the quote.

Could cause staffing shortages. This is the California Attorney General is suing Trump because he's charging for H-1B visas, you know? Staffing, it could cause staffing shortages for physicians, researchers, nurses, teachers, and other vital workers. Teachers. Are there, are there Indian teachers coming in on H? I guess it's funny because the...

They better not be. But apparently, it would have been fine if he had not thrown in teachers because... I almost would have believed it. Yeah. I think people would believe it if you didn't throw teachers in there. But I do not believe that America ever has a shortage of women willing to sit on their ass all day and collect a paycheck. Well, and that's the thing is everyone in America tends to have like a low opinion of teachers. Yeah.

We've all been to school. We all have had teachers that fucking suck. Yeah. Most of them suck. Yeah. Some are great. Some of them really are great, but you don't ever go, like, teacher and think, oh, all the great ones. You go, man, Mr. So-and-so was a big fucking cop. Fuck that guy, you know, like. The thing with teachers is there's an equal amount.

I don't know if this is true, but I think there's an equal amount of good ones and then ones that have raped kids. Probably. Or molester. It's been inappropriate with that. For sure. So the average of that is actually bad. The average between those two is. Because all you can do is just be good, right? But like, there's no end how low. Right. The low ones are really low.

The good ones are just good. It's hard if you're on like a point scale. And for being good, you get plus five, but then there's negative infinity. Negative infinity. There's no averaging. What's the average of a perfect 10 and a negative one finity? Net bad. Yeah.

That's terrible. But the thing is, I feel like garbage men get more respect than teachers do. So for that to be like thrown in, it's like, yeah, this horrible thing. Think of the teachers. Everyone's like, I don't know how they can say this with a straight face. Like, you're telling me that you don't have, that everyone on TikTok posting about their snap hauls can't just do that in class. Right. Because they could.

Every single one of those idiots could just be sitting in front of a classroom and doing TikToks. It's not like it matters. The kids can just be on chat GPT. Like you could just have chat GPT open listening and the kids go like, how do I spell? Like, oh, okay, well, that's. And she could be going, mm-hmm, and this is what I got on. my with my snap on my Costco. Like, just put a body in there.

And say that if they molest the kids, you'll kill them. That's like the best, that's what the job is. That's what it is. Kill them in front of all the other kids. Yeah. We got to kill you in front of the kid you molested. Oh, because they need the closure, to be honest. Like, that's closure.

That's the best we can do. The whole school, you know, get the whole school down. They'll be right up front. Watch this. Yeah, I remember when they show up with the crashed car and they're like, see, this is like drinking and driving. And it's like they show up like that. Why don't they ever do that stuff for teachers? Yeah.

Show a crash teacher like Peter Griffin getting all mangled. This teacher, Rape, sent a kid a text after school. So. They should throw one of the MythBusters ballistics dummies filled with like blood packs in there and threw a wood chipper in front of all the teachers. This is you. In front of the whole school. I'm sick of you like, okay, you shame the kid. for drinking and driving and stuff and you know getting teenage pregnant and then we got

teacher day too I'll do it I'll do it for free I'll be like the guy that I'll jump in the woodchipper even fuck it really show him prove a point I'll be like the guy that shows up with the the astronomy stuff you know the dome that'll be me all right everybody this is what your teacher which hey kids who's the creepiest teacher here by name let him know okay mr. you this could be you. You better type him into mid-journey right now. Yeah.

I'm not saying he's guilty, but if he is! Yeah, and then however hard he's sweating, then be like, actually, you're fucking going in there. I can taste the guilt on you, buddy. It's 1240 already? Fuck. Australians are banned from using... Australian kids are banned from using apps.

That's cool. Yeah, I think... I saw some internet. of this little girl talking to an Australian PM about it. And she said, well, we're just going to find ways around it. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's like... Like, to his face.

Yeah. Like, yeah. Like, that's... Yeah, you think? The tale is all this time, man. Australians under 16. That is... That's too high.

16? Mm-hmm. Are banned from using social media. They're banned from using Facebook, Instagram, kick. Reddit? Oh, everyone should be banned from using Reddit. Yeah, those should just shut that one down.

That should be, it should be, that should be woodchipper. Uh, Snapchat, threads, TikTok, Twitch, X, and YouTube. How the fuck can you be banned from YouTube? Can you just watch it? Why would you be banned from YouTube? You can't, like, private message anyone. Can you? I, you know, I don't know.

Specifically exempt, Discord. They should ban everyone over 16 from Discord. GitHub, Google Classroom, Lego Play, Facebook Messenger, what? Yeah, they should ban Discord, ban Facebook. Roblox. Actually, should ban all those.

I guess Roblox would be tough. Yeah. That sucks, man. 16 is way too... 16 is way too old. Even if you want to ban kids, like... So a 15-year-old, can't they can't look up

like a tutorial on how to do coding or anything? Well that's crazy too is like you think about the MySpace days right? Like yeah middle school like looking up like how I was already grown up yeah I was like looking up like how do I learn JavaScript so I can embed media onto my you know it's like all that kind of shit so like that kind of forced

you to they're like hey you can go under the hood on this you just yeah but that 16 is too old 12 That makes sense Yeah 12 is 12 is old 16 is too much I guess everybody's

I guess everybody's just guilty now You have to Okay so A 14 year old says She managed to escape the TikTok Band because the age verification software said she was 20 So they've got an AI guessing at how old you are You turn your face, turn into the side

Open your mouth just like show movement in your face but it doesn't really work, she said. They're using fake mustaches to fool the age verification technology. That's so fucking... So everybody's profile pick is a mustache, a fake mustache of them. Others are using VPNs in their parents' account.

Yeah, what a retarded. Although that's probably like child endangerment if they catch you doing that. So everybody's guilty. Nobody's going to jail. All right. But again, it's funny that they're like, this will show these kids and it's like

when you have kids who've grown up on the computer like you just are like oh just change the hosts file or do this do this you know it's like yeah yeah teach him some skills you know um Chinese spyware stuff okay oh this is

Mike Huckabee talking about an Israeli missile let's see the Chinese spyware thing uh this is how China goes door to door making you They go door to door making you install this app

Anti-fraud app And then you can't install anything else Isn't that crazy? The police will come to you and freeze your bank account If you do Do do do I don't know what she's saying God damn dude

Dang it boom how our I can't understand you over all that technical jargon. Wow. I thought that would be more interesting, but whatever. I mean, what's more Chinese and spyware? China has also, their women were getting too crazy. Wait, let me pull this up. This is good. There were women were getting too delulu.

They were getting too delusional about what kind of man they deserve. Oh, wait. See this? Oh, dude, this is great. Okay, yeah, girls in China Have become so delusional that their government had to step in Specifically, the government of China is stepping in to regulate TV dramas To curb the delusion of young women who have been led to believe that a rich man will fall in love with them

So there's too much rich there's too much rich men Finding like dumpy peasant trash and marrying them I love it that girls became delusional thinking this would happen to them and then stop like interacting with their fellow peasant men. So the Chinese government said, okay, no more of those TV shows. Chinese authorities are looking to regulate a specific type of internet TV drama

that romanticizes extremely wealthy business leaders, like CEOs. So like 50 Shades of Grey, probably, stuff like that. They got to put on married with children over there. Chinese married to children? It's married with... Jingtow pig! It's married with one child only.

Married with one child. and the girl's illegal. Yeah. They try to kill her or something like with a pin in her head. She doesn't count. We don't treat her as a child. Trust us. It's okay.

It's okay. She's the dog. If the lady comes around asking. She has to crawl around. Put ear headband on. Dude, are we going to the Married with Children thing next year? Oh shit.

That's coming up in January. Yeah. Randy got his tickets to Married with Children reunion. That's going to fuck. That's going to be fucking awesome. I'm already thinking that the worst shit.

I could possibly say there. The government is worried certain content promotes unhealthy values of wealth, worship, materialism, and unrealistic, unrealistic relationship ideals. 100%. 100%. And they should do it here. They should ban... Every fat woman should be banned from television in America.

I don't give a fuck about any free speech anymore. It's never coming back. It's too fucking fat. The government's got to do something about it. If they're doing stuff anti me anyway, so fuck it. We got to flip it around and do stuff anti you. You know what I realized that women cannot, especially fat women, just can't, it's like moth to a flame. Yeah.

You get certain people who just can't look away from sports at all or it'll kill it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. QVC, man. Oh, dude, they got a special hot phone that you can call and get what's on there right now. Boom, I want it. That should be fucking, one of my aunts had it. Illegal. Holy shit.

Dude, I know. That's like the fat women like, like, dude. They love it. Dude, and you know what's crazy? She bought, uh, she bought everyone this, this USB multi-prong charger for Christmas, and it's, and it's amazing. It's so useful. Oh, damn it. It's like, fucking.

It's beautiful. God damn it. I hate when something's good off there because then it keeps going. It's just it's amazing That's the worst thing I could have ever heard It's ruined my Christmas Fucking spirit Yeah I got some from QBC

And it's good Have you seen the Grinch's stealing kids' presents And then the kids try to kick their ass Oh That shit on TikTok I saw that one And then have you seen It's so funny

There was another one too It was on Tobe It was like the Grinch who stole bitches What's that It was like a guy A black guy with green face A black Grinch And he's taking everyone's pitches.

Is it a porno? No, it's supposed to be to see a regular movie. The government is worried certain content promotes. Yeah, Chinese media regulations have issued guidelines. CEO romance microdramas. Hell yeah. Fuck you hoes. You're dating poor guys again.

They got it. You go, you know, women's romance novels, the top category are like rich guys and like cowboys. And like pirates. That's what they want. Women want a rich pirate to rape them. That's a woman's fantasy. That's what they read about. You know?

I just laugh because you could sell that same book to like, hey man, do you want to read a story about where you're a rich pirate raping some bitch? Women? Hey, bitch, you want to read story about where it's a fight? I don't read about me being a rich pirate that rapes women. No, but it's like such a comical, like. Yeah. Stupid.

They're fucking retired. That's what they like. They like... It's like fifth grade level. Yeah, I'm gonna be a rich pirate. They rapes women. They love reading about that. That's what they're reading about.

Rich pirates and rich cowboys. The pirates are raping women and the cowboys are lassoing them, I guess. Riding them around. When I hear shit like that... Fat women. Then when people go like, you know, you got to read more. You got to do all this. I'm like...

Yeah, because that's what women are reading. Yeah. They're reading about rich cowboys riding them around, lassoing them and writing them around. If that's what books are, I don't want to read a fucking thing. Yeah, that's what books are. I'm so glad I'm ill- We got to bring China to the U.S.

Just walk down. Well, they're already here just kind of in disguise. Go to the grocery store, look at the romance novels, get rid of them. Put in guy, average guy romance novels only. Go down the magazine rack, get rid of all the fat chicks on everything. You know, done. Put in coffee's a hobbarabi's code. Yeah.

Love is Blind? No more fat chicks on Love's Blind. Illegal. It's illegal. Love is illegal. Love is illegal. That's what it is. I don't care what the demographic is watching this show,

but there will be no more women over 160 pounds. And if you're going to be 160, you have to be seven feet tall. The show's no longer a prank show. It's a plank show now. Everyone's doing fucking planks. We're watching it for love, not for joking, quit playing jokes on desperate guys and making them fuck some fat pig. The fatchelor

The fatchelor God Like imagine if there was a show There was women falling in love And then it's like oh he has no dick They probably love that actually Actually yeah American tourist

Eviscerated online for hiding While female companion fights off robber All right Let's see that Are they walking through fucking Aladdin's marketplace? I don't know let's see where they were

tourist and then I got to get the the grave digger on yes get the grave digger on no no no no that's not what I wanted no no no no no no no no no New York Post

the computer crashing site here he is American tourist eviscerated online for hiding while female companion fights off robber. So here's the guy, here's the guy. Him and his girl are standing here, tourists. I don't know where they're at.

Where are they at? Okay. So she's attacked by a little Indian guy or a little Mexican guy or something. And then he runs away. He runs away. The guy runs away and just watches, you know, observes. Oh my god, he's got a knife-toe?

Look at this guy! Clawing at her! Whoa! Whoa! And he's kind of backing up. This is like, he's like pretending, he's acting like it's a dog fight. Or you just go like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you know, whoa. Bro, this guy's got a knife. Attacking this bitch.

And then this dude comes in. Some dude comes in out of nowhere and hits him with a frying pan? Yeah, that's it Wow You know We don't know what happened Leading up to this She could have been a real pain in the ass

That day She could have been Being real grumpy The only problem is I know everyone in the comments Is like Oh, it's not very masculine To let some bitch fight for you

It is though It is Well yeah he's letting You know He's like This bitch is so good Like I don't need to step in but there's

yeah fuck you know I had it it was something to the effect of like it'll come to me he's gonna get roasted for that but oh that was the thing is then for the end of time

even if he breaks up with her she's gonna be like yeah my ex is this guy who didn't say it so it's like you gave her the upper hand in a story that she will tell forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and she could pull the video up and corroborate it and show everyone what a stupid bitch you are.

So it's like, it's not a matter of it being anti-masculine. It's that you fucked up. You didn't act for the rest of your life. Yeah, you fucked up a good media appearance. Yeah. Of like,

see, you could have stepped in, been the hero. What you should have done is walked up and knocked her out. Yes. And then you could have said, I was fucking just amped up. I thought I was swinging at him.

There. And there was so much kerfuffling. Confused the burglary. finally hit her. Right. That's your one chance. Oh shit. Boom!

Right. You can fucking line her. I'll show you. I'll see it. But then that's a good story too. Be like, hey, remember when I socked you in the face so hard, it saved your life? Yeah.

Upper hand right there. Good story. Do something. You got an opportunity here. But to just cower away like that now that bitch is, she's going to gain weight now. Oh, man. And then tell this story. And then you're going to look like that.

like an even bigger piece of shit. You're gonna look like a real idiot. Okay, let me log in and send the grave digger a link. Uh, badoing. Logging in. Bidong. Going on Twitter.

Boop, boop, boop. What the... Twittering and... Smoking the Reefer. I gotta talk to Rick Caruso about those pixels. It's fucking bullshit, man. You should be a fucking refund.

I should get a refund. I deserve a refund Okay, there you go Click on that link, buddy boy Let me see if there's anything else Luigi Mangione's To-do list Avoid the police

That was what he was a door dash Fat door dash lady I was like I was thinking I'm like What does he fucking What could possibly be on it How could you fuck that up man Is it really that hard to escape

the police? Apparently. You know, chilling at McDonald's. Get the hell, stay in your car, dude. You got people all over the country who are supporting you. Right. Don't you sit in McDonald's. Fumbled the bag, man. You fucked it up. Stay in your trunk.

Eat at night. Wear a mask. Quit eating. Leave off adrenaline forever. Live off your reserves. Buy something in advance. Are you there, Gravedigger? Oh, I think our mic's off. Our mic's off? What do you mean? Click allow, buddy

Allow my baby There it goes Good job Johnny Let's see here I can hear somebody Hey what's up man What is up Grave-Digger How you doing? Oh I'm doing good

How you guys doing today? Good Do I need to read any more of this stuff Johnny? I don't think so Here's Erica Kirk My daughter and I We talked about this at night She'd ask what do you think daddy did in heaven today

And I'll have her Relay that back to me And we've come to the understanding So she's telling her daughter What her dad's doing in heaven? Is there like, I understand that you got to say something, but you don't have to go on TV and tell everyone this, do you? This isn't good. That seems pretty unhealthy.

This isn't a good thing, right? This is living in a whole different simulacrum over here. They didn't do anything in heaven. Spiritually, he's in heaven. We don't know what's going on up there. You're not telling your kid that your dad got gas for his Chrysler up in heaven today. and he went to the nudie bar in heaven. Are you?

That's not the way to do it. He's a spiritual, you know, he's in, with Jesus. We don't know what happens up there, but his essence is preserved. He's up there and we're going to meet again someday. It's like, not an itinerary of what. She's fucking itinerarying him from death. She's got a calendar set up for this motherfucker in heaven. A calendar for eternity.

That's a fucking crazy move. That's a lot more common than you guys would think. That makes me sick to hear, actually. Yeah. So, Gravedigger, I've really enjoyed your stories that you've mailed in from time to time in your escapades. Johnny was showing me an image you sent him of a smokestack that was exploding because someone loaded a really, really fat person in your crematorium oven. And then you sent me a picture that looked like a walk-in freezer that you said was an oversized, was a crematorium for fat people. Yes, yes.

What the fuck's going on in your life? You can park a forklift in that fucking... It looked like the Peter Griffin forklift. You know, he's so fat that he can't move around anymore. Totally fit it in there. Tell people like, don't give all your information away, but give as much as you want to introduce yourself. Of course.

So, yep, I'm the grave digger. This is what pretty much everybody calls me, but I don't do too much digging graves anymore. It's mostly just moving bodies. And those fatties are something else. So what you saw was an oversized cremation retort, which is essentially a gigantic burner for the fatties. And that photo that you saw was a literal grease fire volcano that resulted from not slow cooking a fatty. You got to slow cook the fatties.

Like a hibachi onion volcano. But much worse, yes. And she was a much more terrible. much more terrible too. Oh, what does it smell like? What is the burning? Can you tell if they're fat? Can you tell how big they are based on how they smell when they're cooking?

Always. I can always tell if we have a fatty going because it smells like if you were cooking bacon that went bad. Oh, God. Yeah, it's pretty egregious. So what happened there was an intern had put a, what we had called. You got interns at that? fucking graveyard?

Yeah, oh yeah, lots of them. So we're training people left and right, hopefully to make sure shit like this doesn't happen. That guy never worked again. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? It's already dead. You would think what's the worst thing could happen? Yeah, what's the worst that could happen?

Well, he shoved him into a regular size crematory retort, which I really don't even know how he was physically possible or able to do. Wait, Grave digger, I have a quick question. Yes, of course. Do you have ratchet straps as like a, loss leader? Like, do you just like... Yeah, do you burn them? We do actually have ratchets that we need to use. And we have giant dead body movers. They're called dead body lifts that are essentially

ratchets that hurl the giant people around. Oh, my God. Because I'm assuming you have to leave the strap on when you throw it in. Do you just like have like, oh yeah, yeah, every month we get like 300 fresh ones in or whatever. Yeah, good question. So what actually it is is when you get cremated, you're essentially put into a big old shoebox with a bunch of cardboard jammed in there and then you're put on a rolling mechanism and kind of rolled in there.

Like scrooge. Like scrooge. Yes, exactly. Yeah. The fatdies, though, are a different procedure. What's the weight limit where you become a fat cremation? Over 300, you're technically oversized and you need to go in the big one, but over 600 is when the magic happens. What? How long have you been doing this? Oh, my whole life. So I'm a fifth generation death care worker. My dad did it. His dad. His dad. We've been doing it 140 years.

Dude, so you have like, you have like old West morticians and like undertakers in your fucking family tree. Wow. Years and years. We've done it a long time. So we got a lot of weird stories, a lot of weird shit going on. Okay. Which is interesting. But when you have a over 600 pound person and they need to be cremated. First of all, we need to send you somewhere where they cremate animals like horses and things like that. The glue factory? Essentially, yes. That's where they have the equipment to really hang out. They were accidentally mix them up like you send a hippopotamus as to his home with the family or something. You know, there have been some mix-up, never from me or from anybody that I've worked with, but there have been some bad mix-ups in the funeral industry.

With the fatty's getting cremated, if you've ever seen the end of toy store, where they're all slowly being put into the burner. Essentially what you have to do is chain each limb up like a human puppet on literal chains and slowly rag them in. Which way first? Or the side? Does it matter? You're kind of just heaving.

You're praying to God they don't have fall out. Oh my God, dude. Who had to figure this? Because I got to imagine even over your lifetime the bodies have been getting fatter and fatter. Oh, yeah. They really have. We've actually had to adjust almost every single bit of equipment for fatties. Even regular caskets have to be.

Because some people are more dense than they are large. Yeah. You know, so you can still be heavy and be small-looking. Do you guys put wings on the dead people too? Like, like AI? Some classic AI wings. That's more of a black funeral thing, really. Oh, you guys don't do black funerals?

Do you use AI to make them black? Black funeral home as well. Wait, your friend has a black funeral home? Yes, so my family owns three different funeral home brands, which I find extremely strange, frankly. Wow. Yeah, it's all part of the industrialization of funeral homes, which I got to watch growing up. It's actually pretty interesting how they work now. It's not really the traditional, just like one old creepy guy doing everything.

It's a really industrial process. It sounds like it. You're going to the horse cremation center. Yeah. What, um, okay, wait, yeah, go ahead, sorry. Oh, no, you're all good. I was just say, what used to be just one guy, the funeral director, which was very high paid, would get you, embalm you, do your funeral service, take that first call, do everything.

It has essentially been broken to its summit parts, and I don't think we're better for it. Why is that? Why did it get broken up? It got broken up, actually, in the 90s from a guy called Ray Lohen, who started the Lohen group, who actually communicated a lot with my father who stole his business model. He invented what is referred to as the care center. So that's a central location that all the bodies are taken to and embalmed so that you can operate like 15 to 20 funeral homes at the same time in the same area.

Oh, wow. Okay. So there's like a re-psych now. It's not just, I want it to be an old creepy guy. Wait, so they ship the bodies to Africa to be processed further? With machetes. Well, if you're on a cruise ship, you might not get so lucky. They got their own embalming rooms on there. Whoa.

On cruise ships? Yeah, we got a guy from a cruise ship one time that they embalmed him on the cruise ship. And when we got him, they filled that motherfucker full of sheets, like bed sheets. Oh, shit. Yeah, it was fucking crazy. Why? Why did they do that? I have no idea. They embalmed him with bed sheets?

Yeah, so we got him. And I took him in for intake, and he had a giant bag that was supposed to be his possessions, but it was a little too heavy. So as I went through it, I saw that it was all of his organs, and I thought to myself, well, if all of his organs are in this bag, what's in the, the organs are in the bag, then once in the humana, how'm gonna, how'm gonna, I got your chocolate, yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, he sent me this link that says funeral director, Anita Singh,

accidentally gave a family their deceased son's brain instead of his clothes after the family requested his clothes back from the funeral home. Yeah, it's horrible. I assume it's called Do Not Redeem Funerals or something like that, but... You'll have to turn their volume down on your end, Dick.

Oh, I don't need... I mean, I think it's in the headline. I'm sorry, if I'm fucked up, guys. No, you're great, you're great. I think all the important details are in the headline. Yeah, they are, definitely. How did they send the brain back? Well, that's all kind of part of what I was talking about,

where it's all been broken down. So instead of it just being that creepy guy who shows up and does the removal at your home and embalms you and intakes that property, it's now been broken down to there's a call center that you call into with most people. Oh, no. You're not even talking to a real person. They then dispatch a third-party removal service, who's just a guy like me who picks up bodies.

they'll then go to a trade embalmer who's just doing the embalming sometimes another trade cosmetologist who then goes off to a director so by the time the director is dealing with the family you've gone through four or five levels of separation um and the director is not really involved in that embalming process and stuff so so they just show up the dead guy just shows up and like all right i guess this is the funeral yeah they're they're glorified wedding planners essentially at this point so what what probably happened with this um particular SAR is that she went into the embalming center and just grabbed a bag that had the guy's name on it, not checking anything and not being aware. They keep the brains in a bag? Yes. So when you get an autopsy at any coroner's office, they're going to cut you open in the Y incision, take out all of your organs and examine them, and then put all those organs back inside of you in red, extremely obvious biohazard bag. And then so you back up. Oh. So they took the bags out of the person, set them to the side, and then that lady came in and handed it off. So just don't ask for anything back if you don't want that to happen.

You don't need the clothes, really. Just like keep it all. I don't care. That funeral home is owned by SCI. It's Service Corporation International, and it's the modern rendition of the Lowen Group who got sued out of existence. Since SCI owns 2,000 funeral homes in North America and has approximately 20% of the market share. And what they do is they'll buy a small family funeral home that's going out of business and keep the name. Dude, that happens across everything now. Yes.

Vets, my local vet guy sold his practice to some big, I think like Mars Candy or Petco or somebody's buying up everything no matter what it is. then the service just goes to shit because they don't care who they're hiring and the people working there don't they can't like make as much money as they otherwise would so they don't give a shit not at all so the funeral director was such a well-paid position that they just chopped up all of its pay and spread it all around and every person is less qualified than the next I mean some removalists that are really fucked up so okay so what are the fuck-ups what's the besides the fat Volcano. How are they fucking up? We have a lot of

different kinds of little fuck-ups, but I prefer to focus on interesting cases and pranks, because I really love doing pranks. Okay, what are your favorite pranks? I love a good prank that I like to pull is whenever you have somebody who has prosthetic legs, and you need

to get them into a casket. What you need to do is you need to get an intern and tell them to help you put them in the casket. So when they go and grab the legs, they pull very hard, and then the legs fly off and they fall back. Every single one is a different reaction and

the reaction will tell me what you're doing. How do the interns, is this their first time around dead bodies? Yeah, and they got me and I'm just the worst. So I'm doing horrible shit all the time. I like to trap them in the cooler. That's a good one. Just kind of shove them back in there. I'm very serious about

teaching people how to properly do this job because there's there's a lot of intense situations that you end up in and you've got to be able to keep a good poker face. Yeah, like what? A good example is I have off the top of my head a couple of funny ones. Would you rather hear about what I think is a horrible but very funny suicide? Yes.

We're just going to go into that one. Yeah. So I got the call. It was late in the middle of the night and I got the call for a gunshot. And so I presumed that it was going to be some type of suicide, especially because I saw that we're in a nice little suburb. that's generally what happens in those. So the details aren't too important, but I got to the house. And when I got there, it was one hell of a scene.

You know, you got family outside crying and losing it. You got kids just totally freaking the fuck out. You got the purple shirts there. And those guys are kind of the crisis intervention to make sure nobody else kills themselves. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or also, it's like a big wave of everyone shooting themselves because they're so distrable.

Well, because you'll find, you know what I mean? Dad's dead and then you're like, fuck it, I guess I should know. Yeah, and then the kids see it and it's like, well, fuck it. The gun's still here, you know what I mean? Jesus Christ. And this was discovered over trial and error, I assume, over the centuries. The purple shirts were needed and they came into play about 20 years ago. So I get into the scene, you know what I mean?

The officer takes me in and he says, okay, here he is. And it was certainly dark. This guy blew his head off with a shotgun in his kid's room. It was wild. I mean, there's just fucking blood everywhere. I mean,

it's as bad as you think when somebody blows their head off with a shotgun. There's really not much left. Is there any head left over? Or is it like metal oculips or it's like a tongue that's sticking out of a throat? You know that like retard meme

where the guy has like a tiny brain and he's like, you know what I mean? It's like, wait, which one? Which? What?

Oh, yeah, when it's like, with his head is like, Like a brain jack, yeah. Brain jack, okay. That's what it looks like, ah,

yeah, okay. So I'm in here, and in this case, I'm working with the coroner. So my job is to get this body out without any damage to the evidence. Now,

I noticed that... So you have to be careful, like, pull-fiction, like you're picking bits of brains up everywhere? Yeah, I've definitely had to get... In some kid's room?

How old is a kid? Oh, they're like three, five... Oh, Jesus Christ. So there's all these toys all over the room. They're now in, like, horrifying brain matter and spinal fluid. So I'm putting him in the bag, and I realized, oh, my God, like, this fucking kid still has to live here. Like, they're going to come up here.

So I start just, like, throwing toys in the body bag because I'm like, dude, what if they, like, go to hug a Furby? And it's, like, dad's brain, you know what I mean? Dad's brain. Fuck. So I'm throwing all these toys inside of this body bag. And it's, you know, it's dark. I still hear people outside screaming. Are you on the clock?

Like, do you have, you can't take all day. Like, they got to go back to sleep, right? Like, do you have to hurry? Is it like supermarket sweep? I would be fucked if I hit O.T. You do need to move swiftly, just mostly to prevent a giant terrifying stain on the ground, more blood getting everywhere. Oh, my God.

And you're not, you're not sick at all. Like, you're not going to throw up or anything like that. You just, like, don't care. I've definitely thrown up. I feel like if you get to the point where you actually don't care, you need to stop doing the fucking job. Wow. Okay. So I end up throwing all these toys in this bag and I'm like, oh my God, like I really got to make sure that this is like all as clean as I can get it. So we got it as good as we could. I get my partner with me because I always show up with two people. And I'm like, all right, we're going to start going down the stairs because we're upstairs. Well, we started going down the stairs and it didn't occur to me that some of these toys had batteries. So the bag starts going like, I love you. And doing like all these like horrible, like, horrible. like kid noises, like little songs, like, let's dance. Let's dance. Like, popping out of the bag,

like, as we're going. So, like, the whole time we're, like, wheeling them out, I'm trying to be, like, as solemn as I possibly can. And it's just like, oh, too, a fool. Like, muffled on your blood. And I'm like, oh, my fucking God, dude.

And the kid, the whole family's there hearing the never bag of body parts. Your dad's fine. He's just saying hi in the bag. Talking like Elmo. Pickle me Elmo. Trying to remain any semblance of professionalism.

It was bad. I've often told people that the only difference between comedy and horror is the music. And that's definitely one of those. That's, yeah, that's true. So situations like that. And because you've heard those fucking toys at that point, like 10 million times a day, every day for years. So it's like a sick, it's a sick thing. to have. It's like yakety sacks.

Yeah, it is. There's a lot of I hear that music in my head when I'm moving fat people out of houses because it's always just such a cluster fuck. My dad told me, and he was correct, that fat people, like turkeys, always go to the highest point they can in the home to die elevation-wise.

Oh, yeah, okay. For some reason, they're always in places where I don't know how they got there. They crammed up into the, rafters and stuff. One was in the attic, you said? Yeah, halfway into the attic. So he got in there and his fat was holding them up inside of there. We had to get there fast before. And he died midway between the attic and the rest of the house? Oh yeah, definitely. So that'll happen. You'll see fat people whenever they go and do an exerted activity that's further. Yeah, pretty much anything.

That's about it. Heart attack. Boom. And then they're stuck halfway. Yeah, the fats are a, They're everywhere, man. I mean, that obesity rate is really no joke. And it will fucking kill you. Like, you're dead. Yeah. Which is unreasonably dark. Now I got to go play all the little toys in my son's room and see which one is the

worst to having a bag of body parts. They're all pretty bad. When you have like the cows, sis, move like underneath dad's brain. It's fucked up. uh does have they does the can the bags rip open ever funny that you ask that actor yeah yeah they do constantly constantly yeah for some reason at hospitals they use bags that i'm pretty sure by the fucking dorito company because they just pop open anytime you try and move well because my diaper bags break all the time i don't i get this impulse to like swing them around because i'm like

trying to stave off insanity and i've done it once twice and both times times, like, I don't know why they make the diaper bag thinner than the normal trash, but both times it's torn. I assume that dead body bags, they would make them even more thin to... Yeah, they're just, they're trash. Increase the hazards. It's like, coffin flop wasn't a joke. It was like a real... It was not. I can say very proudly that neither me nor my family has dropped somebody in 140 years, but... Oh, wow. That's amazing. I can't say the same for quite a few others. Do you have that on a plaque anywhere in the funeral home?

having dropped a body. They wouldn't let me do all kinds of different shit in the funeral home. They also won't let me do any extreme embalming, which is what I want to do. What is that? Like muscles and stuff? Give them a big smile, like buddy Jesus, buddy Christ. He's holding a skateboard. Big wiener.

You essentially embalm yourself in a way where you're performing an action. So I would like embalm myself like sitting there reading a book and then invite people to my funeral. And I'm right there. reading the book. Is that, would that look right? Or would it look weird? It would be horrifying and terrible. I think it would be awesome, you know what I mean?

But my family told me it would bring shame upon five generations. Oh, wow. That's quite a thing to lay on somebody. Yeah. That's what I say. I say we've got to change his game up a little bit. They probably wouldn't like the AI wings though, and that's cool. Everybody likes that.

The Charlie Kirkk people love that shit. The Black Funeral Home really did want to start doing that. and nobody would let them, which was pretty funny. That's bullshit. They need that. You could be making a killing off of it. Yeah, black people need to see that heaven stuff.

The tributes that people do are all pretty interesting. And the rituals are pretty interesting, too. And I see a lot of them doing the picking up of dead bodies. So a general funeral director might pick up 50 to 100 bodies a year if he's like a normal guy. And I'm doing thousands. So I see a chance. You're picking up thousands of bodies? Literally thousands.

I've probably picked up, I don't even fucking know at this point how many people. Like Will Chamberlain. He picked up 10,000 bodies. I know one guy had a lot of beans in him. That was wild. Oh, how do you know? Well, we opened him up and he was full of fucking beans. He died in the, you know those like silos, like the soybean silos?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he fell into one of those and drowned and just like slowly sink into it. He had beans in every. every single different bore is terrifying. I just imagine you cutting it open and we're cutting them up and being like, what is this, a fucking joke? Like, how do you stuff their beans?

There was definitely some loud, this individual will be eaten. A, B. I was, that's, yeah, that's kind of what I was hoping for. Okay. You have to have a sick sense of humor. Unfortunately, in this industry,

it's full of a lot of a lot of vetoes. That's the only way I can explain it. It's like seven. 70% of people are like veto's personality in this industry. How so? How would you describe that personality? A really, it's like an emotionally manipulative form.

I don't know how to, it's like they're coming when they hear about something bad happen. Oh, really? Yeah. To other people? Like, they really like it. They're like eating it up. And hospice nurses have the same thing. It's like they're like coming when somebody dies.

And I'm like, you're fine. Really? They have like a, they take like a pleasure. in do you think that do you think they start with that like that's what brings them to the profession or do you think they develop it as like a coping mechanism I think they start with that

the coping mechanisms that people develop are really different like mine is just drinking a shit ton you know what I mean classic I keep it classy that happens to non funeral yeah people too yeah wow that's weird I didn't know that we got a lot of stuff

what's interesting also to think about I'll throw this out there is the equipment that generally is made to save your life can also create some really terrifying effects afterwards, like sleep apnea machines. Don't die with one of those on. What happens? Well, that machine is essentially breathing for you whenever you stop breathing. So if you die while that's on, it will still force your lungs to breathe. So you will have this like literal dead guy being forced to breathe.

So not only is it scary and unsettling, it can also activate the vocal. cords so they're moaning and making freaky noises but what's worse is that they be the fluid that's in the lungs begins to drain out of the face so they're just like a bloody nightmare like it's a fucking

Jesus You ever have to fish someone out of a jacuzzi? No but I did have to get five people out of a pool once. Five people? Yeah it was really fucked up so it was in a rich neighborhood and they were all drunk old people,

not like old, I'm not going to say probably 50s. And they ended up in the pool and they were having a con, they were cameras, so we got a chance to see everything. They were having a contest to see who could hold their breath under the water. Oh, no fucking boomers.

They, it's all holding their breath. It's so much worse because they're all. All five of them held their breath to death under the pool? Well, they, they, They went under and while they were under, the pool had a cover that was on a timer. So the plastic pool cover. It's like Final Destination shit.

Yeah, no, it was fucked up, dude. We had to get them out with like all kinds of slings and chains and people die in water. I mean, it's really ugly. You end up with a soggy mess real quick. Sorry, I'm pretty bad. I bring the tone down a little bit. I know we're loving it. I mean, that's the realization that they're all.

all in a breath holding contest. And it's just enough time for the automated pool covering system. It's really the ultimate like boomer ego like thing to see. Yeah. Like you all had such egoism that you could hold longer than the other one that you went from there. I think what really did it is that they started on the side that the thing was covering them with.

So I think some of them realized they were starting to get covered and just didn't move fast enough. Jesus Christ. Because there was a little bit of struggle signs underneath it in the video. It was pretty fucked up. This is, and you're doing this a thousand times. Yeah, and you wonder, everybody wonders why I drink. And I'm like, you motherfuckers would drink too. Okay.

Who was doing way worse? Those are two pretty fucked up stories, man. I find myself in the position a lot because of being essentially a removalist. I end up being in cases like that, there's a lot of police there and a lot of times they're pretty cut and dry. But if it's a nursing home or a hospital or something, I'm pretty much the last line of defense to say that this was a natural death because nobody comes out and checks. Yeah, that's what you were saying in your email that you wrote before. I've seen a couple coming out of nursing homes especially where I get there and I'm like, oh, this is obviously a case of elder abuse.

I need to call somebody. Wow. That's fucking wild. Does everybody who does what you do look for stuff like that or are you special? No. So most people just kind of do this. A lot of them do it for that weird coming sense. Oh, man, that is fucked.

So we really should be suspicious of. these people. That is, that is fucked up to here. Well, I stopped associating even with my family's own business because of some of their practices that I couldn't get them to stop doing. And that was all part of that kind of industrialization that I fought very hard against. I would prefer the single creepy guy handling it who's paid well and knows you. But if my uncle would prefer to root through people's ashes for gold teeth and sell them for profit, then that's kind of on him. You know what I mean? They're not using the gold. teeth.

I agree. They aren't using the gold teeth, but my proposal was to take all these funds that we get from implants and gold teeth and put them into a funeral fund for all the pores. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody likes that. Nobody wants that. Yeah, yeah. Some of the pores deserve it.

Throw the pores in a big hole. Cover them with some talk powder, yeah. Yeah. You know, you got to get a big enough hole if you have a fatty, too. problem is vaults covering of batty. Oh, man. All right. This has been very illuminating.

Call in again. Call in again sometime. You keep sending us your stories. What's that? I said, I'm always around, man. Randy texted me after the last email you sent. He's like, there's got to be a show about this guy going, doing, solving mysteries from like the funeral home, you know?

I am, I'm in the process of, it's not necessarily a show, but I am filming some educational videos about how to move a dead body, and that's what the series is called. It's taking a while because it's hard, but I go over all kinds of different things, including the big three rules of moving dead bodies, which I will say right now. Rule number one, do not scare the townsfolk. Pretty simple. Rule number two, keep the body secure at all times. Don't fucking drop the body. And rule number three, do not bring the right body to the wrong place or the wrong body to the right place. Follow those three rules.

You'll generally be all right. Rules to live by. Yeah. You don't want to, don't bring the right body the wrong place. Yeah, facts. Well, I appreciate you guys. Good to know. Yeah, man.

Thank you. Thank you for calling in. Thanks for your emails. We need your wave watchers five. Yeah. Send us more fat stuff. Any more fat explosions, send them. All right, buddy.

I'll send you guys. Yeah. See you, man. Kangaroo pouch. he must have a whole bunch of slang that I don't even want to know about dude come on man

that's the fucking pool cover the singing body bag oh no that has to be one of the funniest most fucking I love you the only thing they hit me crazy is if the dad ripped out of the bag

that's what I thought was gonna happen coughing flop coffin flop Body bag flop That's fucking wild That automated pool If I see an automated pool cover right now Why would you get that? Why would you want that?

The fucking death machine boomer shit ever Let's all hold our breath Oh no Our automated pool covering fucking device That is the most retarded fucking boomer shit That is the most retarded boomer shit God damn

Scott Adams should be trying to draw comic Dilbert on the bottom of the pool while it's trying to fucking cover it. I got Can't walk no more. I saw that. Can't walk. Scott Adams. Milo went on Pierce Morgan 2 to get attention after Nick. He looks like a gay Frankenstein now.

Gankensstein? He's fucking over there being a Yankinstein. He looks fucking disgusting. He looks like a monster. Let me bring this up. He looks horrible. He doesn't even look gay anymore. He looks so bad.

You know? look worse than being gay. Well, you gay, you know, usually you got Anderson Cooper, man. Gay, but he looks good. He looks gay. Well, camped, but yeah. Well, overly kept. Well, you, that's, you know.

Adam Sandler, never looked gay once. Dude, that guy's going to be buried in cargo shorts. Are you kidding me? But Milo, he looks so bad, he doesn't even look gay anymore. Look at this. Him? Yeah, he's got some kind of like, he's got some kind of brain tumor that makes you look like a homeless

looks like a hobo. He looks like Toby smiles now, dude. Looks like he's wearing a dead guy's suit. Look at this. Man, he needs, someone get him a franpecino cookie chip. Someone get him some straight food. Get him a barbbyes.

Get him, quick. You represent him, I think, right? You work with him still. Who's like, look, I mean, look at his face. Yeah, he looks like the live action lurch from Adam Stanley. The lawyers and I run in his family office, yeah. Eyes are crossed.

He looks like deep. He looks like a white debo, a gay debo. That's crazy. And again, I would simply say, this is a guy who, on the record, Teeth clenched, permanently, permanently clenched. You get him to explain why he said this. That is. You know, only three years ago, literally, three years ago this month,

he praised Hitler, denied the Holocaust. I love Jewish people, but I also love Nazis. I do love... Does he even have couplings on? Come on. Milo, Gino. No, you can't be chewing

on your sunglasses looking like, glasses looking like that. You gotta look better than that to chew on glasses. He looks like one of the metal slug characters. He's so fat and big. That's crazy. Not even gay anymore.

He actually is straight. Okay. Patrick Masterson says, is an Irishman I found that terrorism video underwhelming too. It's missing the northern accent to make it proper scary.

Yeah, that's true. Travis says This bitch is a hoe Her pussy stinks Isaiah's Moserath Yep I believe that was The 16th commandment

Zizzias Abba Dix's critique of the Irish Terror video was hilarious When I saw it last week It was underwhelming A lot of people like the terrorism thing Even I could have made a better video

Than this Apple Dumpling Gang tier shit Best of luck to Ireland Yeah best of luck Special thoughts Jimmy says Check this shit out Lowell Okay, can't resist Can't resist

I'm pissed to know that the funeral people are Excited at death That makes me fucking sick Because I want to think that they're like that guy Who's like you know Doing a job that nobody wants to do and cares about it But if they're If they're a bunch of Edo's like he says

Well it's like finding out the guy that cleans your septic tank Is going home and bathing at it afterwards It's like you know what Like maybe I will live a little bit longer It's like finding out that Trans people are in the women's bathroom getting off. Like, what? Wait a minute.

Wait, just a dang minute. I thought this is about being a woman, but you guys are parking absolutely correctly all the time, right between the lines. Yeah, I don't see any ring damage. And you're jacking off in the bathroom? What the hell? What the hell? I put my reputation on the line to think of this shit.

How do you tell me you're jacking off in there? First of all, yeah. The odds that there's something jack offable in a women's bathroom is extremely low because they're all fat and the hot ones are shitting at home once a week. So you're jacking off to big fatso's and the stink of fat shit. Yeah. What's going on in there?

Fat, sick. Oh, dear President Trump, this is a video. Oh, no. Is this what I think it is? Does she have the gift? Does she got the downs? Yeah. Is this a video of retarded people telling Trump?

just stop saying retarded? Well, you said you wanted the Chinese in America. I think we got our first one. Chinese or Down syndrome? Let's see. President Trump. Who, Chinese. Calling someone.

Oh. Our word. Oh, shh. It's a doughty. Disgusting. Insolute. It is just a meeting. It blinds people from seeing capabilities.

It's helpful. And it destroys. Dick Nitchie. We are hardworking. Ableble? Individuals. Okay, retarded people. This is where you messed it up.

You're supposed to say the whole thing. Each one is supposed to be to say the whole thing, and then you pull clips of your words so that it still flows like one sentence. You don't get the retarded people to say... You did it in a retarded way by making everybody obviously just say their words and then splicing it together, so it sounds retarded. You managed to make this video that should be impactful, you fucked it up

supposed to everyone's supposed to say the everyone's supposed to say the whole thing and then you cut it out you don't pick you don't split it up before so it sounds like you're just saying words it sounds like it's a fucking Garmin GPS

reading where to go next before natural language processing fuck Mr. President we are not punch lines I mean what are you

You're wearing a pineapple sweatshirt. He's a Hawaiian punchline. You're a Hawaiian punch. Fucking Christ. Please lead by example. We are a better nation than this. Retard nation. More from our readers.

If we truly want to make America great again. We can start by treating people with weeks bet. Hey, do you fucking people? People have to, do you get a job? Do you have to get a job anywhere? You can get fucked with this shit. Everyone else has to work. It's very hard for them to find work.

You get to do nothing. Dress up, make videos all day. None of you are offended about being called retarded. If you are, fuck you. We have more important things to worry about. Tim Walts is fucking retarded. And paraded his son crying around as though he was, as though he was retarded.

And it turns out that was stolen retarded value. His son was not retarded at all He's totally normal, but he was going like that Yeah, and everybody made a big deal about it that Trump was every And then this too When Trump was going, ah Like that reporter? Still one of my favorite things ever, that's the funny

The reporter isn't like this, ah He's totally normal He just has a weird arm We're done, we're done with this shit No one fucking cares anymore No one wants to feel bad For other people anymore We're done with it

Well, and it's like, how do you expect people to have the bandwidth to give a fuck about any of this? When it's like, we're all struggling for jobs right now. It's like everyone's trying to take care of themselves. Are there 20 million retarded Haitians coming in that are competing? Actually, there are. You guys should be calling more people retarded. You're mad at the wrong guy. Your autism bucks are getting drained.

Classic retard shit. Classic retards. Maybe if you could think about what the fuck is going on. retards rise up she hit us with the retards rise up let's rise up let's rise up retards rise up everybody the fuck are you rising up against

that's people saying retarded did every say about the time what else do you I mean what more can we do what more can we do for you dude the only retarded guy I've ever seen that I'm like I get it is I went bowling by myself one time

saw this fucking of mice and men motherfucker. I think I told you. I was on shrooms that day. So you decided to go bowling? Well, no one wanted to go bowling with me. So I was like, I'm going to go fucking bowling. You guys are all Fs. And so go bowling. There's this family off to my left. Cool, they're doing their thing.

And there's this fucking Lenny of mice and men sitting there with his handler and she's kind of on her phone doing her thing. And I watched this guy. Every time he gets to go up and bowl, right? So I start, I drink my pitcher. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to get in the groove. I get like two or three off the edges. I'm like, fuck.

I fucking suck. And he's like, oh, cheering me on. I'm like, God damn it, this retarded guy, who's a chair, like, fuck. Dick, I watched him throw that ball so hard it didn't even touch the lane. The three holes stayed up. Just sink, and he hit those fucking pins so hard.

I thought they were going to turn into dust. And I was like, Jesus Christ, and he goes, ugh. The whole hour I had rented for my lane, I watched him bowl five perfect 300 games, and I went, I was looking at his sister's hand, I'm like, did you not see this league winning champion? This guy could be the fucking president of the bowling world.

Yeah. Even Pete Weber couldn't have done that good of a job, and he was the best. Yeah. What the fuck? So after that, I was like, maybe I should just start a retarded bowling team, get like four of these guys, and just tour the nation and make everyone just cry. Yeah. I hate Terry, I'll give you 20 chicken nuggets if you make that guy fucking kill himself on his way home tonight.

But that's the one time. I'm like, you know what, I get this retarded shit. That's cool. Dick. That is cool. It was, the ball did not touch the lane. It got asymptotically close, but never, you could see the holes go the whole way down. It didn't spin once, just launching nuke straight.

And it was like, it was impressive. I was blown away. I saw that, I saw that retarded basketball movie with Woody Harrelson. Oh. It was great. See, I mean, it was okay, but it was, had a great ending. Well, there you go. But man...

This shit, I don't like... I don't like this shit. If I just sauce these motherfuckers sink in 300-point games at the bowling league, I'd be like, you know what? How do we support these guys? How do we turn this into something? This? I go, get fucked.

Get fucked. Make your own damn grilled cheese. I'm not helping you. Dear President Trump... Starts over. It's not about politics. It's about human decency. Yeah.

Well, we don't have any. We're done. You know what? It felt so good today on the drive-in. I was getting, you know how intersections in L.A. work, right? Where the first, if you're trying to turn left, you wait in the center of the street

till it turns red and then you can turn left. That's the fucking how every turn lane in L.A. works. So I'm going through it yellow. Before it even hits red, right, we're all going through and there's people behind me still, but this fucking boomer is turning by the gas station in McDonald's area and he's honking at me and flashing his brights

at me and I'm like, dog, there's five cars coming behind me too. Like, you think that's going to do anything? But it felt good because I leaned out of the wind window where'd fuck you and he went oh oh oh and had to drive away and i was like god i love l.A so much god damn it i love this fucking area so much because he couldn't do shit he was turning left and had to go a whole different route so you know fuck me lean out of the window just like fuck you oh you have the power mr president and position to set an example we are asking you to be better rise up oh that was for the president to rise up lead by example and stop using this word man

fuck you. Retard, yeah. It's a big deal to millions. The word is not acceptable, and it perpetuates a stereotype. What's the stereotype? Grill cheese. What's a fucking stereotype about someone's retarded? Let me guess.

They like Tendys, big fan of ketchup. Millions of families have worked tirelessly to eradicate. I think you guys got bigger problems than this. Wait, I'm going to find that video of that Down syndrome guy doing a live stream, and someone writes in, like, do you ever get the urge to eat crayons? And his mom's reading, he was like moderating all the comments? Yeah, that one? And she's like, no.

And he's like, uh, yeah, I do. And it's like, what do you mean? Like the stereotypes exist for a reason. This motherfucker eats crayons. What are you doing? The urge, eat crayons. Oh, yeah, actually, you're not a good question. He's like, uh, bitch, like, let me, I'll correct the record on this one.

Um, all right. Sargent, uh, uh, foxy hymbo. Sargento. Those fuckers, it was always eight ounces. It's called, oh, so another meat man. It's called shrinkflation. I was aware of it but didn't know recently until the deli aisle. I remember those suddenly salad pasta salad kits used to have dehydrated black olives and lots of pimento bits.

Now it's a poultry amount of pimento, zero olives, and 16.X ounce package instead of the old 18 ounce or whatever it was. Yep. Yep, they're coming for the meat. Seltzer water says maybe they shouldn't do that with the batteries, Africans, if it's making them suffer so much, as if a battery comes. specifically says let's ship them to Africa and force them to chop the batteries up exactly this way. It was probably the cheapest contractor and they didn't investigate further. What are we supposed to do about Africans hacking at batteries and machetes? It's up to them what they do and how they do it.

It's not our job to tell them how to live their lives. Yeah, I mean, I guess it's just mostly funny that like all these green initiatives end up with some Africans chopping car batteries up with machetes. It's never, anytime I hear initiative or like, oh, but this is going to, I'm like, it's never a fucking real thing. Yeah. It's just out of sight, out of mind, and it's like, no. Turns out all the memes about throwing car batteries in the ocean probably be a better thing. Yeah, it would be better. Gwimbley says, Dick, you keep asking who the first man to say the N-word on the moon will be,

but the answer is staring you at the face, three in the morning. Oh, my son might be the first, you know? I was going to say. It's going to be somebody that age will be the first one. Say the N-word on the moon. That's cool. machetes and handles of vodka not the best solution for homelessness

but it's better than what we're doing now which is throwing out every plan because it isn't 100% optimal. Perfect is the Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. I agree. Marshall Autist, bro to bro.

How good are crossword puzzles? They're difficult if you're retired. They're difficult. You don't want to do them too much. They get harder and harder. It goes, addictions go,

Jesus, liquor, gambling, women, and then cocaine. Above all that is the almighty crack. Yeah, crack. I wouldn't say it's, I wouldn't,

I don't think it's a good idea to get into as a hobby. Because it seems to hit some people. It's like anything, you know, any vice, any vice, you don't know that it's too much for you until you've already done it. Most people are fine. They don't have like the, call of crack in them. But every once in a while you find a woman or a guy takes a little taste

and then the next thing you know, they're arrested. I guess it's the perfect time to bring up. I got my lighter in my spoon here. Most people can take a little bit of Jesus, no problem. But some people, you give them a little bit of Jesus, watch out. Now if you get crack and Jesus, all. Yeah, most people would take women. Then you have Bakersfield. cannot. That's, then they have AIDS. They're fucking fat chicks

and airplane bathrooms. What's going on? Ugh. Oh. Some people can do a little bit of everything. Fucking a fat chick in an airplane bathroom, I think must be the most humiliating thing because trying to squeeze out

afterward. People know what you're doing in there. Yeah. Well, the whole plane is fucking rocking in the middle of the sky. Oh, geez. Oh, geez. I got a lot of stuff here.

CM Co Israel owns Grindr Okay, what's this What's this about You gotta see for yourself See for yourself what you can What you can withstand And hope you're not one of the unlucky ones

Grindr is blocking one phrase Grindr won't let users say No Zionists Oh, okay One phrase, and one phrase only Grindr won't let users say No Zionists in their bio. This is the air

message people are seeing right now when they try and post this and we have confirmed it. But here's the kicker. It's confirmed, Johnny. You can say no Arabs, no blacks, no Muslims. You can say no blacks on... Even no trans. What do you mean? And even no trans.

That's the most... That's the most one that should be on Grindr to begin with. It's in the name. What are we even doing anymore? What do you mean even no trans? I'm into the I'm on the gay but sex app Oh I'm No trans

By the way Oh okay That's You're banned Why If you try to register you should be banned I just hi I'm here for the Gay anal sex

Oh do you want any trans No Well Get out of here We don't want your kind around here We don't want your bigots What fuck are you talking about It's a gay but sex

ad. This is gay butt sex. Why would I want any... Nobody here wants any fucking trans. What are you talking about? Even on the gay but sex app You can't say... Or you can say no trans.

I'm surprised you can't say the other stuff. Yeah, that's kind of funny. Goes through. Grindr says it bans hateful and offensive content. But this rule, it's nowhere in their terms of... How do you have offensive content on a gay but sex having app? Well, at that point, what is offensive? offensive t pussy. You can't be posted tits?

Yeah. No women. They also promised to remove their ethnicity filter in 2020, but it took several weeks for them to do so. The founder of Grindr is Israeli. Okay, all right. I think I know where this is going. Why would they take the... The men are letting their app get fucked with?

Are there gay Ethnicities that are like throwing tantrums about Like they can't Armenians gay guys can't get matched because they say like no Armenians You can put up no Irish signs again What the hell would they care? All right Guys don't have butt sex with

So you want to have butt sex with the guys that don't like you? I guess maybe that's better for them I don't know Man just turn it into jeet block already done none of this here's uh mike huckabee this is a pretty funny way to phrase

uh speaking of israel here's a funny uh thing that mike huckabee said i guess israel uh killed a bunch of people with a missile that they shot on purpose which time yeah recently this week here's uh mike huckabbee

the ambassador to israel explaining it so you know how to feel about it? Was Israel's attack on Qatar without cause or merit? It's Qatar. Well, let's be real clear. There's been some talk that Israel attacked the country of Qatar. It did not. It did, in fact, send a missile to attack a terrorist who had been partly...

Johnny, they sent a missile. Israel did not attack Qatar. I did not send it. I did not. I sent, I merely sent a missile. To attack a terrorist. Responsible for the murder of Israeli citizens. Oh.

But it did not attack the country. Okay. There was one missile. It was aimed at one person. Oh, okay. No problem. Unfortunately, there were some people who were near that missile strike that were injured or killed from it. Oh.

But that was not an attack on the nation of Qatar. Uh. If that's the new standard, then the United States must apologize. for going after Osama bin Laden. Yes, yeah. Everyone who did that should be killed. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Once again, we can't apply a different... So wait a minute. Okay. ...standard to Israel than we do to every other nation. You can. So Israel sent a missile and it killed a bunch of people that were around the missile.

How does... The missile was minding its own business. And they expect people like not to... hate them more? Dude, I don't know what they're thinking with this shit. Can you...

I couldn't even imagine a statement this bad. Israel didn't attack guitar, just sent a missile to kill a terrorist and there happened to be a bunch of... You know how missiles are.

They're going like this. And if the people are walking in to the missile going like this, that's their fault. Because it makes that sound and that's your cue

to get to fuck away from terrorists. If you were around the terrorist, that's on you. you. Yeah, you should know better. That's fucking crazy. Just don't say anything. Just go like, yeah, you know, they killed a bunch of people.

What are you going to do? They run everything. It's just that like, snide fucking like. I put, I didn't break the rake. I was testing its durability. And then I put it in the forest. It's failed under load, yeah.

That makes me fucking sick. There was one missile. It's one missile. There's one missile. It's named it one person. Has it to one person? No big deal. Unfortunately, there were some people who were near that.

What kind of people, like women and children? Is that the people? Is that who was near the missile? That were injured or killed from it. But that was not an attack on the nation of Qatar. I mean, bro. What is an attack then? Wow, you know.

We just wanted to kill just the bad. guys. So it's not an attack. Look, you know, it's the thought that counts, man. Yeah. Come on. What a fucking asshole. What a complete piece of shit for that. I know. I hope

to pray for cancer every day. I need a big list of everyone who gets cancer every day so I can check it against my Santa list. I would trade Scott Adams's cancer for this guy. Yeah, that would be a tough call, but I would put Scott Adams' cancer on this dude

on Mike Huckabee. That would be I mean, it's a tough call, but It's always tough to take cancer from a boomer Right Especially an obnoxious one But definitely I would like to see Mike Huckabee Have, can't use my legs cancer Right than Scott, more than Scott Adams

Yeah, it's just like that It was funny At least he contributed to some sort of something The show wasn't funny but the comic was funny The Elbonians guys Well you can Well, you know, according to Scott Adams, you should do not have nothing to do with the Elbonians, you know? Yeah, actually, yeah, that statement, he deserves to get his cancer cured.

That, that has to be one of them. That was the funniest thing in his whole career, yeah. Yeah, that's maybe the funniest thing anyone's ever said. Whoa! And the shrug afterwards. Oh, I don't know what all the Elmonians were. Oh, wow. You know, you only ever get like a Donymus moment like that every so often where you're like,

did I get to hear that? Did I get to experience this? Like, ah, yes, I did. What a great time to be alive. He, um, he said it too softly. Yeah. And people sensed weakness. Mm-hmm.

He should have come out and said, You know, said it hard. Then put some... Put a R in there. Like, yeah, you all know it. You know, put it one of those in... Yeah, if he would have been a little more indignant, I think it would have passed. Yeah.

He said it like an apology. Yeah. That's where he fucked up. You got to pass those speech checks, man. You got to have the... You got to get your stats up saying shit like that. You can't be half-assing. Oh, as people emailing me about canceling.

there for Patreon Okay Obie John says Hey I think I figured out something about Quirk Chungis Do this information you will They seem to have infiltrated the social media accounts of all corporations

I just realized this When I saw a post from a hockey team And all hockey teams have Quirk Chunggai running their accounts Yeah they do kind of have Brands are Brands Brands exhibit

Quark Chung likeness and they're posting and it is the same it's very HR departmenty yeah it's like we had nothing better to do with our time so we made arts and crafts and it's like get this stupid

shit out of here take your corporate Memphis fucking flat everything and show it up your fucking ass Austin says Asian Santa lives in Portland lands in Portland with fierce eyebrows and an ox cart naughty wrist

no pleasance for you a thousand mosquitoes up your ass round eyes Is that what the Asian Santa says really? Is that Randy writing in? I hope that they don't say that Asian Santa is in

Oh Wow Okay That's cool There's more pixels in this and there is in my $100 Santa Picks Asian Santa at Lansu Chinese Garden

Well it's at the Chinese Garden This is cool It'd be funny if he was at the Japanese friendship garden As a Chinese guy It's like His Santa beard and stuff is like Chinese-ish He looks like Christmas themed like

Raiden Yeah that's cool Raiden the Red nose reindeer This baby's like what the fuck You know to me he's just like regular Santa That's kind of how Chinese I've been becoming lately Oh, okay Yeah, that's cool

Whatever Chinese Garden You know They're not trying to No one's forcing you to go To the Chinese garden I'm a picture with Santa Cherry Blossom

Christmas tree Um Um Um Okay Something about the Bible I'm kind of Sick of the Bible

I've only ever been sick of it Diego says That voicemailer Couldn't be more wrong Wow Which one? I don't know Can't be more wrong

That's pretty wrong And suicide guy I don't know about that No one has ever been jealous Of that fat fuck Riley Oh it's Riley guy It's just weird That Dick devotes so much time

To such a nobody It's annoying Oh You wrote in and brought him up I mean you're talking to the voicemail guy I don't know what to Yeah Doesn't work

There's no two-way communication With that guy You should have left a voicemail And that guy's voicemail I guess the voicemail guy hears this and wants to respond probably there's a bunch of guys on Reddit

that want to weigh in on Riley fucking just go on Discord Person of the person of the person of the Reddit of the year No one is jealous of Riley

I don't know Maybe there's one guy It's like sees all his pornography and it's like Oh man I wish I was doing that I wish I was dicking around like that online gotta be one guy

I'm sure Walking Gay Boy says I got denied disability But those Somalians are getting it Well Don't ask the retarded people They don't think that's important at all Just saying retarded is important to them

You should have checked this Somalian box on your forms Yeah Fat watch Show up to the doctor like this In Blackface Yeah Hit your chest and try and buy your ear off at the same time That's usually the trick that lets them know

Speaking clicks. Let's them know you're in on the inside, you know. Okay, fat watch. Check out Weight Watchers, the bonus episode on the Patreon. For some laughs, I did a very amusing game. What's fatter? Fun game? I feel much lighter after that episode.

Do you? After clearing out all my saved posts. Oh, yeah. You had some good ones. Dude, well, yours, I've been thinking about yours nonstop, and I'm like, I can't believe I fucking... Well, it's fatter. The grease trap or... Man.

Jay Bay. Fat bitch. I did a lot of research for that. It shows. Great game. Well, it's fatter. All the women in the U.S.? I'm not going to spoil it before you.

Something else. Scott Nelson says I was at Disneyland last week with my family, and I had a run in with a lady who was so fat, she couldn't fit in her seatbelt. She had to use the seat with. an extended seatbelt, which happened to be the one next to me. It reminded me of that one fat watch a couple weeks ago with the three piggyes at Disneyland.

Disneyland should do something about that. Get rid of them. China should do something about it. They could make Disneyland. They could make Disney, you know, put a stop to that fat shit. They cook down all the extremely fat ones. So 90% of the park, probably.

They could say, hello! Hero! We want a no fat people. Bus guy. Hero! You must have make every Tuesday, every Tuesday, a no fat at Disneyland. That, man.

That'd be great. If there was no fats on Tuesday, yeah. That free Tuesday, not fat Tuesday. That free Fridays. Friday's asking too much. Allegedly so. But Tuesday. I'll gladly pay you for a hands.

hamburger Tuesday. Yeah, or for a hamburger today. No fat people at Disneyland every Tuesday. I'd go. Fuck, if there was no fat people at Universal every Tuesday, I'd go. Yeah. No fat people at Lego. Hey, Ro!

Universal Studio! No fat people on a Tuesday. So crazy to work as like a ticket booth guy at Legoland and let all the Asian people in for free. Like, oh, you're late for work. Here, come on in. Come on in. Okay. Nightmare Blunt.

rotation, Liam says, uh-oh. That's a big fat lady. That is a, geez. Are those her tits? Oh my God. She's holding a great day. Damn, these bitches are fat, dude. They're hunched over.

I can't even tell where the person is and what's a couch. God damn. Oh, don't get me. Please. I thought this. was a tablecloth that's her hits her thighs that's fucking crazy

I'm running from this dick oh this is a couch this poor dog yeah that he's gonna bite his head right off

like that abortion bark dude is it was awful it's a bitch you gonna hit who bitch you gonna hit who I just want a bitch uh okay

it's always like when you get to a certain size your eyes turn into a little slits. Yeah. And it's like, God damn. Yeah, it really is. God fucking damn.

This is from Riley, that guy that Diego hates. If you don't find this attractive, you're probably fatphobic. And it's four fat women lined up. There's nothing attractive. And in this at all. I mean,

I like that one of them is rocking a mustard blouse Yeah Named after her favorite condiment And the rugs have square patterns So they look even fatter Boxes of chocolates They're doing a little dance But it's like a fat women dance

Where they pretty much just like Do this Like they do a little shimmy Yeah In their shoulders And then it like sends this sends this reverse wave. It's like circular breathing

if you play like a saxophone or something. Yeah, yes. They send this resonant wave through their bodies so that they're at kind of a stasis. Like they're at kind of a stasis with the jibling. And then all the rest of the dance

is just in service of this this pair of waves. Sign waves that are going through their bodies. Yeah. They turn into square waves. waves they're getting so fucking beaten. The thing that makes me sick about fat women too is it's always like, let's pitch up the sound

so it's small and cute, you know, it's like all supposed to be this like evoke this like, well if we use higher pitch things, it'll make us look cuter. It sounds skinnier. Yeah, and it's like, no. Doesn't work. Boom. Yeah.

Hey Dick, I sent you a snap. of this woman's vids I'll send some of her I'd love to see her on Fat Watch I love the shows Fuck Vito But I love Johnny and his brain run Also if you want to talk to a Mormon guy about hell

That won't try to convert you That's a lost cause But I'd love to call in Oh okay Sincerely the last Vegas virgin winner Uh I don't know Is there anything anyone needs to know about hell

It sucks Alright don't go there If you want to experience it firsthand Just go to India I guess Go to India. Okay, this is a... Someone DM me asking if I tried to place particular items under my bits? Okay.

Oh, God! It's just fat women with... It's just fat women with no tits at all. This one looks exactly like Tweedledum from the cartoon. Putting a fucking stand mixer bowl? Because you know that bitch making cookies by the fucking... field. Jesus.

She put a colander, like a mixing bowl from a kitchen aide. Yeah. Under one of her tits. But that's like, look at the size of that. That's probably like a fucking, from like a grocery store size one in there. She's loading it up with items, honey, to see how much weight her tit can hold down. Oh my God. The thing is, it's not even her tit holding it up.

It's her gut. Yeah. It's just for sure thinking. No one's giggling. She's putting a leaf blower under her tit. She's breathing... Rather, she's wheezing like a fucking... Dom Deloese.

Like a ripped bellows or something. God damn. Yeah. We're wearing a fucking Dunder Mifflin shirt. This fat chick is putting shit under her tits. Wearing a Dunder Mifflin shirt. Do you think they come in sizes smaller than Triple X? They might, but nobody's ever wore.

ordered one. Fuck. Scared and impressed that I can do this, but did you guys? Disgusted. Put a, she put two cast iron pans under her tits. It would have been great if they dropped on her fucking feet. I don't know. I don't want to know that game. Down in my kitchen. Just for a hint.

The bowed in knees. Did you guys yes? Yes yet? Let me guess what's under your shirt. Is it your feet? Oh. A pickle jar. That bitch had a pickle jar under her tits A light snack A light snack? Another light snack

BINES BINES? What the fuck? You could pickle beans? You could pickle anything as long as fucking... Under those tits you could pickle anything. Yeah. All right, that's the end of that today. Let's do some voicemails. Okay.

Now I remember we do the... We play the theme song and then do voicemails. Yes. And we'll do... What are you doing with that? Oh, I need this one. Shit, I forgot the voicemail number. Here it is.

Hey, Dick, hey Johnny. Excuse me. I called him a couple weeks ago about my father who sends, like, retarded edits from TikTok. You know, like some comedian. saying something, and then right below it's a subway server, like someone playing it, whatever. So it just keeps happening. I just received another one not even two seconds ago, and it was, you know, one of those stupid, like, making fun of liberals things.

But down below is just like a silent video of some blonde woman just like laughing along to what the guy's saying at the top. So half the screen is him making jokes on liberals, and the other half is just this blonde chick just laughing. And it's all in like this weird, distorting. like black and white, but like a little bit darker than black and white, like, coloring of the whole post. I don't know, man.

Gen X really needs to get their shit together. Go fuck yourselves. True. Yeah. I agree. The worst is when they send you two clips from the same account. You're like, uh, if I would have liked, if I wanted more of these, I would have subscribed you first.

I will investigate further. Uh-huh. Don't you? Don't ever send two from the same account. All right. This is the big Nerf guy coming to you live from the side of the road. I got McDonald's in my hand. It's 25 degrees outside and I only got two shirts on.

Three questions. One, if biggest problem dies, can you please make Weight Watchers like another main show? Oh, it won't survive. It won't survive a main show. Yeah. If I would mail you guys some sort of fun Nerf done thing. Yes. Yes.

Would you show it on the show? Why would I not do that? We'll shoot each other to the death if you send in Nerf stuff. Yeah. Of course. Send in. Of course. Nerve stuff is cool.

Yeah, basically I can't do anything that I want because everything that I do gets banned. and that's like the story of my fucking life well and you know much like a fat person's chair right if you get it weekly if you catch a whiff of that weekly too much it's too much but if you let that if you let those links brew for like a month

month and a half oh man it keeps it keeps it fresh and funky funky fresh like a barrel full of monkey flesh hey dick hey Johnny here's what makes me a right so you know it's christmas time buying gifts trying to you know get things situated a couple weeks here before christmas rolls in oh dear you mr fancy fancy fancy it's not buying gifts is the

problem okay it's wrapping paper have you guys see i went into walmart and i was in target the other day looking for you know wrapping paper it's all shit it's all terrible i go into walmart here i kid you not they have wrapping paper with like silhouetted cartoon cutouts of black people like I just like a gold chain. There was like a fedora and it was like clearly black. I was like everything else is it's like shitty like pajama pattern. Like just get what happened to just like Christmas trees? Yeah.

A little snowman or like mistletoe or bells or some shit. Like it's weird colors. Like I just need dark green and red. Some snow, some snow. What the hell is going on? Did you get Kwanza paper by accident? It is. I noticed that too.

I don't remember what year it was, but I tried to go get wrapping paper, and I came back with, like, Doory the Explorer and, like, Hanukkah paper. I'm only going to wrap shit in Hanukkah and Kwanza paper,

even if it's your birthday, like mid-year. Well, that's what I did, because I didn't use it all. So I'm like, well, I'll just use this forever. I don't care. I'm only buying it because it's probably only ever on sale. Yeah, and then I couldn't find it again. Then I went again at some point And it was normal Christmas paper

So I thought something must have happened that week But it happens This guy's saying it happened to him too There's that blackfulness for They're sneaking it in Sneaking it in Like what the hell Silhouetting it in

Fucking Johnny You dumb fucking boomer fucks The guy from last week Was talking about tabs On the fucking Your internet Your Chrome or your internet Oh

Browser Not fucking guitar tabs You fucking... No, I think I know Andrew from Eugene, Oregon. I think he was talking about his guitar. Either way, if you got too many tabs on your phone, what are you doing?

And if you are doing guitar tabs, what are you doing? It's hard to have tabs on your phone? Then you just make a new tab always? I guess. How many tabs do I have? Sometimes I'll catch myself. I'm like, why the fuck do I have 30 tabs open?

I don't know. Pretty convenient. I see all them. Multiple of the same tab. Mm-hmm. Let's see what I was looking at here. All right. I'm unc.

What do you expect, man? Okay. Well, sorry. That's on me. That's on me. Yo, Vic, it's true that the Bible rarely mentions hell. I think it's like three times, four times. But to be fair, I suck, Dick.

To be fair, Christ mentions heaven all the time. Christ in the first four gospels, the only four gods. There's actually other gospels that aren't in the Bible, that aren't in the official canon. Christ does say, you know, you will come to be with my father in heaven all the time. You mentioned have now.

The details of heaven, like you're saying, being a ghost and hanging out with your dad, not really specified. Oh. It is mentioned constantly. But what it is is not very, fleshed out. So you're right there but it is actually constantly

referenced but it's not talking about ghosts and stuff. By our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Christ is king. It doesn't say like you get to be a ghost floating around. You don't get to go to heaven and be a booberry. Hang out with fucking ghost dad. Hey Dick. I just spent six days in jail. I probably

have cancer. Oh. Also I have exercise. Can I possibly get Texas Rouse? Do you need the ticket? Texas Roadhouse? Call me that.

All right. Which is for Sean. None for me. The Dick Show. What makes me a rage is that AI is being it's pop-ups for everything

and it's already annoying having pop-ups in apps. Yeah. Constantly fucking AI shit. And yet the auto-protects. The auto predict for when you're texting is still absolutely, it was fucking unusable. Yeah. I want to set a president.

He's a fucking shit. It makes you sound like a huge fruit. Yeah, it's like... The AI auto text back. It's like if you're trying to be a normal guy and it turns you into Kelsey Grammer from Frazier. That's great. Oh, that's super. Splendiferous. I couldn't possibly think of a more. And I'm like, shh. Like, fuck this. I always type larger. I've never typed the word bigger in my life. Don't change it for me. Yeah. Let me see what the response is for sounds good to my exclamation point to my wife. No, I'm not saying that shit. Sounds bad. Thumbs down. It would be okay. Okay. Let me see what else it says here. What's it texting to my friend?

Okay, yeah It really Is it AI even? Because it's always just like It's two word answers to everything I just Well I started And here's a life tip for everyone out there too

You know how by default When you double tap something It'll like heart the message Yeah I go out of my way Just the thumbs down everything Upsets people All right

Let's do Let's do yours What did I do? Why did I deserve this? I'm like because fuck you Audio Did I replace it last time? Yes, I did.

Welcome back to my corner over here. I got some ones for you. This first one's called I am so sick of boomers. And you know how boomers just always feel the need to like be motivational for no reason at all? Yeah. He was like an armless boomer going to play drums with his feet. But let's listen to what this retard has to say first. You know, I think I went to see the Pope.

My family took me to see the Pope one time when I was a kid in Arizona. He was doing like a Pope tour of the world. He didn't call it Arapopinna? And I remember that it annoyed me at the time, but they brought out this guy with no arms to play guitar for the Pope. Yeah. What is that? And I thought, like, isn't this kind of like, who's this honoring?

Right. It's so, what the fuck? The 16th chapel wasn't painted by a guy with no arms. It was like the best that they could do. Right. And it wasn't like there's a guy in the Bible with no arms playing an instrument, like, as a mainstay of a story, right? It's just like, it's just there because some fucking boomer was like, this will really get them. It would be, it would be meaningful.

if they brought a guy out with no arms. And he grew them in front of the whole crowd. I would renounce, I would recant everything I've ever done in my life and be like, you know what, I'm today's the day, I'm doing it, I'm a devout, whatever. Dude, I have to talk about sex ed. Yes. You remember how I said my, my littlest nephew went through sex ed, so now I can come in and just say no topics off limit.

Yeah. Just jizz, right? Fucking, he had the same thought. Yes. I got to talk about that. Yeah, say that for next week. If you're going to go through the whole,

like the Pope is going to get a guy with no arms playing the guitar for him, and this is like somehow honoring compassion. Yeah. Get a guy that can't play guitar to play with his, to have, that has no arms and can't play guitar and make him play. And then we can all pretend it's, great. This like this middle

shit doesn't make any sense. And the thing is it's never good right? It's never as good as someone who can just pick up a guitar and play it mediocre at best, right? It's always like here's this contrived thing that see I went so far out of my way to practice this and do this to show you that you know, what's stopping you? You know? Not wanting to play guitar. Yeah. Not wanting to be a fucking thumb who can play drawl of what fuck you if anyway. you want to listen to this retard rattle.

Well, it's like, okay, so how is this not just, like, this is belongs in the circus. Why is it different here? Yes. And it's just so like. It's cool, but I don't understand why it's cool for the Pope. But that's the thing, though, is even, right, even if it's the most, like, jaw-dropping thing ever, you're still just like. I want to see the jaw-dropping thing. How good he could have been if he had arms.

Yeah, exactly. I don't want to see something that sucks. Right. I'm not inspired by this shit. You get this like... Who is? Right. And there's always this boomer need to like motivate and inspire.

Well like, yeah. I don't have anything else going on. You know what? Maybe I need to inspire people. And it's like, don't fucking inspire anybody to do anything. Because then you get shit like this. Sure. Okay.

Uh-oh. Where's the volume? Oh, it's... God damn Instagram. You're gonna want to... Okay, let's see here. Yeah. This guy has...

fucking. I promise you, this is going to happen. You're going to get home from this event and somebody's going to go, honey, how is your conference? And you're going to go, you're not going to believe what I saw. Yes. You don't want to play this for that person.

But you're also probably going to want to play it for somebody else. Maybe a child, maybe your own kids. Maybe somebody you know that is facing their own challenge. Because this is also about... I don't think playing drums with no arms is the same as not drinking. Right. Right. It's like, I don't really need to see this.

Yeah. Well, so then here you go. Ready to be in. by what this fucking asshole has to fucking boomer you up with impression you ready here we go I can do that shit with my feet

it's so like all right you can clap for that if you'd like but because that was it yeah it's the expectation of like you know you can go ahead and clap and it's like fuck off

that was the shittiest drum roll you can fucking possibly muster I could do that I can do that I can do that shit. I don't play an instrument. I can do fucking better at a fucking camera. I don't want perverts jacking off.

I can see this. I could fucking do that. Yeah, he's just sitting there like an asshole. Can you hear that? Yeah. That's easy. That's not inspiring at all. You fucking idiot.

He just wanted to fucking get his whole, whole ass, toes, and pizza out, like a fucking big piece of shit. It's like you gotta be fucking kidding. You got no arms? That's what your no arm trick is? This is supposed to inspire me to what? Go home and put my fucking feet on everything. Fucking asshole. Does he break himself off with his feet too?

All right. So, yeah, that one pissed me off. That was just like, fuck this. So this one is called Guthrie Govan Eat Your Heart Out. The famous British shredder guy on the guitar. Uh-oh. Anytime I see a woman with a guitar. It's the same way I feel about

women in general I don't want to hear it Let's see how correct you are Look how much does she look at the guitar What percentage is she looking at the frets Let's see What the fuck? Why is she looking at the frets for this?

Oh my god I thought she was just fucking around No, her whole account It's just that Sarah Moon Cocaine or meth is a hell of a drug I've never This is what working at guitar center was like

You would just hear this all day Yeah Nothing but that But there's non-stop videos of just her Playing like a fucking What the fuck? I'm telling you man Ha

Sounds like an ultrasound. Yeah, the heartbeat and everything. All the fluids. This is the kind of shit I have to scroll through. What is this chick doing? I have no idea. Rotting in real time, I guess. Okay, I don't know what that one was about.

Good morning. Cheez. Dude, so. I wanted to touch on a subject. Crazy lady, yeah. Yeah. Fucking insane lady for sure. Let's see some jams.

This is a different instrument. Oh, yeah. This is like a stand-up electric bass or cello. Wow, she's just as talented on this one. Just a level of delusion, man. Absolutely no understanding of how the instrument works or what you're supposed to do at all. even from looking at it, you know that this is not right. No one is fucking home upstairs on this one.

Really just blew me the fuck away when I saw it. I was just like, tickling it. Yeah. So that just... Okay. Now you're mimicking like something that... All right. Okay, okay.

It almost started as something. Okay, so I call this one, arrest everyone in this video. Uh-huh. This one made me fucking upset. dude look at this little fucking bowling ball piece of shit and they have to use straps to carry this little fat kid in between the rows in a fucking airplane wait a minute this giving Tuesday we are giving away perfect lifts to our dmd community is this person handicapped but also it's just fatter than god look at this is a little kid dude oh they're too they're too fat for it for it's just fatter than god Look at this is a little kid, dude

Oh They're too fat For even having a Hit the medical problem That's what I'm saying Hit the fucking play button Because watch them fucking like Hork this kid

Down the fucking airplane seats And it's like Oh he's huge Oh come on Yeah So they're like Oh no Here's this sweet thing

We got a lift for this kid And it's like you've Abused the fuck out of this kid that's why I was like arrest everyone in this video oh my god this one will cheer you up here's a new frontier and digital blackface here's this japanese lady calling herself the gorilla

lady she she does like an AI thing where there's like a gorilla head on top of her and she makes her skin darker and all the comments are just about as good as you can imagine but she goes to like gorilla lady

she goes to like Singapore all the time Symbolic circle. No. It's a screenshot from one of her videos, but she actually makes what she deems to be art with, oh, you know, those are very Asian nails, so, you know. What the hell is going on here?

I can't see it. Hard hair? Hard, dry, fried hair. What the hell's going on? no fucking idea. It's just like some bizarre abstraction of like what some like half Asian lady is. Like things. The gorilla project. Exploring how AI tools shape self-representation. So she's making herself a gorilla? Yeah.

What will they think of next? I've been following the guerrilla lady project for a while. It's one of the most unique examples of AI-driven digital branding. Oh really? visual storytelling I've seen what stands out is not just the visuals but the way the character is built in a consistent identity theme and emotional narrative across all platforms what

she's basically saying the way that the smoke alarm beeps in all the videos what is this weirdo doing I have no fucking idea but it's absolutely bizarre okay what is the last one here this last one you're going to love so this is called enjoying a chocolate milkshake

if you want to go ahead and hit play Mr. Poop Dad? Yeah Got a milkshake in a while Go out and get you one Is he pooping? So refreshing If you haven't had a chocolate

milkshake in a while Go out and get you one He's diarying While he's drinking a milkshake Yeah, that's his whole account But here's the thing If you notice this is from 2023 So I think he died

Because all his videos are him like But in a Having diarrhea? Yeah, well, he did play. Aluminum free deodorant today. And I was a little worried that I might still stink. But after working outside all day, I still smell amazing. I bought in aluminum-free deodorant today.

To all my fellow dads out there. No. Happy Father's Day. Why does he always have diarrhea? Hey, everyone. We just like to wish my wife. little tiny microphone. Where did he get that? I did everything about this guy is awesome.

But man, I think he's dead, dude. Because he's posted like two years. Would you all join me in saying happy birthday? No. Happy birthday. Hey, everyone, just a reminder that warmer weather is here and you want to make sure you stay properly hydrated. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Beef stew every day. Why is he dressed like Batman? Good evening. I don't protect his identity. We had steaks over charcoal with street corn and I cook some mushrooms and onions as well with that and some wild rice. Everyone thought it was good. It made for a really tasty meal. Thank you.

Hey, good morning, everyone. That's how I do all my Zoom calls. Happy New Year! Happy New Year! He's going to blow into one of those horns, but then it's his diarrhea. Does anyone know why the little cheeseburgers from White Castle are called Sliders? Seriously. Like, have you seen my silhouette?

Cheese. A lot of people don't know. This is without a mask. Oh, he's in public. Small pepper chineas. Oh. Ew. Can also be used as a nose plug.

Oh. Echo. Ew. Poop Dad, where are you? Yeah, so he's supposed to, it's like 2023. Oh, he's dead. He's dead. He's, dude, after fucking drawing mud like that, he's probably fucking dead, dude.

Okay The fucking party horn is my favorite one That's fucking crazy I had a big ponchos Chimichanga Some chips and salsa And a sweet tea to drink I thought it was actually all really good

I enjoyed it For dinner That was the last one That was the last He was out of steam He went out with a wimper not a bang Just really This was just the worst

One I'm gonna that sound is in my head now well you know what happened to poop dad when they say uh when diarrhea takes its toll and you spray paint the bowl um hang out with poop dad wow account based in the u.s okay goodbye everyone goodbye everybody