The Dick Show - Episode 492 Dick On Homeless Surveys

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Matthew Cox calls in about stealing identities from the homeless and going to prison for $60 million in mortgage fraud, Venezuela is liberated from communists, I take a weed whacker to some dog poop, sacred cow poop on sale at Amazon, and women are upset that Grok puts them in bikinis; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

The level of like, the level of experimentation on people makes MK Ultra that social media companies are doing on people makes MK Ultra look like a self-help, a therapy. Yeah, at least you got acid. Group therapy. Yeah, at least it got you high. The Instagram's just like keeping you fucking tweaking. You got, we got people who are just disfiguring their faces permanently. Yeah. Hooked on the lowest.

They're experimenting on how low they can keep you for. doing the most insane degree. It's so bad that when they do it on Black Mirror, they tried to do an episode where this guy was like degrading himself online to make money and it seemed almost quaint. He was like drinking pee.

And I was like, that's not... That's just Mr. Shunice on any given day. No one's paying, like, no one's paying for that. You got to, like, you guys can't even imagine how sick and depraved people are being. Yeah, you got to at least drink poo these days. for every guy that hates drinking pee for money

there's somebody who loves drinking pee that's someone who does it for free for the game and is setting world records exactly so it's a real big when I saw that I was like that's not accurate that's like a really childlike view of humanity to think that there's a guy who's like disgusted at drinking his pee

and charging for it yeah there's someone making way more off the ad revenue from all this dream yeah the monetization is all is stupid you're showing your ignorance Hollywood

with this retarded satire that you're trying to do oh man I will say to I've gotten to that part of schizogram where this one lady's been drinking her pee

posting about how it's making her skin glow and I'm like man I you know it just dude no matter what, it's like, here's a couple cool cars. I saw one of my favorite

cars was on Jeffrey Epstein's list, and I was like, man. What race was she? If you had the gas, yeah, absolutely white and... Was she white? Yeah, she's the most tanned white lady you've ever seen. One of those. Yeah, one of those.

One of the sit-down was. They really need to do a they need to do a public service campaign. See, they tried it on us, and it didn't work. because they're telling us to do stuff that we want to do like hey kids don't do drugs they're bad like well I mean but I need them

like I really want to have a good time yeah not everything is the forbidden fruit some of it is like no don't don't do that yeah I need I need them to forget about this fucking PSA that you try to drill into my head I need to forget about some things

all right Sergeant Slaughter I need it but what they need to do is turn it around and do targeted PSAs on like like they were doing for black people for Thanksgiving and they're like don't wash your chicken with soap

don't wash your turkey with soap hey hey fellas but they've got to do it for old Mexican women and old Indian women which is hey stop drinking piss stop doing anything with piss just put the piss in the toilet it doesn't do shit it's not it's not a the piss isn't a time machine

there's not some sort of like free radicals in you're in the piss in the morning piss, the first piss, the goat piss, the horse piss. No, no kind of piss. No, you need the first horse piss. You look like shit, okay? Deal with it.

You look like some of the drinks piss. Yeah. Oh, God, I forgot to cover this up. I have this disgusting grease burn. What happened? I was goofing around. Were you cooking with grease? You know what?

Those are the good old days. Remember that, Eric July shit? Remember when we used to laugh on the show, man? Everyone used to laugh. I was screwing around. Cheers. Oh, God, I got to... I have this remarkable ability to drink and pass out and then wake up like about 10 seconds before the baby starts crying at 2.30 in the morning.

Okay, I can't. And for some reason, I'm not sober enough to just let my wife get it. I'm still in that, like, drunk, I got to prove a point. You know, I'm going to go feed them the bottle. just barely, you know what I'm not? And then I sober up right when I grab them. I'm like, why did I do this? I got to drink more so I can sleep.

That's what I'm saying. I got to either go more, and so I can sleep through that. It hits in five, I got five seconds. Every day I wake up, and I go, okay, I got five seconds before the tonight's hits. And then I get five seconds after that, the baby starts crying. It's like Groundhog's Day. I wake up and go one, two, three, four, right and I go there it is

one two three four and then I got five more one two three four my wife will you go get them you gotta keep those little underbergs next to your bed I got to drink through it

the problem is it's too predictable I'm not I'm not doming my I'm not putting myself down for the count you know yeah the only way I out is through, man. The only way out is through.

Just one. Just one today. We got a great guest calling in. He's the FBI's Most Wanted man or something like that. Awesome. You're going to love him. He's a real con artist. Self-described con artist.

Perfect. Been to prison, etc. What was I? I was talking about something, though. What were we talking about? Old Mexican women drinking piss. Oh, yeah. You look like shit.

Deal with it. Doesn't you're fucking around with something, too. Why don't you lose some weight? Instead of drinking piss and playing around with piss, why don't you lose some weight, Fatso? That's going to be, hey, puta. That's going to be the ad campaign. Oi puta.

Odae, puta. Why don't you put the piss down and get on the treadmill, pick up some dumbbells. What's crazy? You dumb old bitch. AI to like make the most average looking of them, and it could be any single one of them. Yeah, like when they run it through,

like they run AI over and over again. Oh, I remember, it was the fucking grease burn, this disgusting grease burn that I have. Because here's what makes me rage. Because I got this beautiful, wonderful cast iron pan for Christmas. And my fucking, my stupid brother-in-law also gave me this pan seasoning. You know, people in their cast iron are just such a, they really suck almost all the joy out of it. They make it so it's totally, I want to, when I have a cast iron pan, I want to pretend like I'm a cowboy, you know, and put it on an open fire. Not be thinking about seasoning and fucking

greasing the pan before and after. I don't want to read instructions. I'm not picturing a cowboy out there fucking daintily licking his handkerchief and spreading this pan-seasoning grease around before and after he uses it, right? No way. Merry Christmas, here's a kick-ass cast iron pan pan. Hey, and here's some pan seasoning moisturizer shit that you want to put that on before and after. I'm like, ah, now you got in my head that I have to put this on and you don't want to use soap. I'll use soap, God damn it. Have you seen

people doing the opposite direction and polishing the fuck out of their cast iron band? With a Dremel? Are they really? Yeah, dude. I don't even want to... It's disgusting. And then I go to I go to CVS to get like a Band-Aid and there's like 47 different types of Band-Aids and I pick one.

I'm in a hurry because we're late for lunch. Wait, you were cooking before lunch? I was cooking the night before. Oh. And I go, and this is why I'm self-conscious of this, because it looks so disgusting. I go to CVS and I'm like burn wound, wound band-aid thing, $15. Like, all right, awesome, I grab it.

And I get to the car and open it, and it's a, like a piece of saran wrap. I'm covering the wound, but it's just like a totally clear, sticky piece of saran wrap. Like, where the band-aids? What do you mean? Is this like a high-tech? Why was Saran wrapped $15 that I got it? And it doesn't work at all. Like a band-a-a-a-and-a-cut, and it stays there.

Like, you go to the, you know, it has that adhesive. This is like a suggestion. And it's totally see-through, so it's fucking disgusting. I'm sitting here staring at my wound all day. Did it come with a little cardboard roll in it, too? It has stages. It has stages, like, peel this off, then flip it over and step two. Peel this off.

What the fuck is this? It's like a screen protector. Yeah, it was like a fucking screen protector. And the only reason I have it is because I was using that stupid seasoning shit. I put the pan on and I was going to make stakes on and I was like, all right, I'm going to sear this shit out of these things. It's going to be awesome. And I hear that voice in my head and all the Reddit threads going like, oh, you got to season the fucking pan. So I'm like, all right, fine.

I scoop some out and slap it on. And then I go to put the steak on and it fucking slips out of the tongs, right? because it had been marinating, and it does like one of these, whap, and just flings like a perfect shot. Ugh. You're the burned man now.

I'm the fucking dark man. And then I was doing the usual, ignore it. Like, just ignore it. You know, whatever. It's just skin. Heels. This is one thing I don't have to worry about is if skin gets damaged.

Everyone's like, you got to cover that up. No. I don't care. I'm just sitting around. No one said to add some of, roasted garlic and some fucking rosemary sprigs break. I gotta put some piss on it. Morning piss.

So I'm outside. Wacking the rain clears up for like 10 seconds. So I'm like, oh, I'm going to whack the weeds from a yard, right? I got to do some like homeowner type shit. Get the hell out of the house. I got a lot of activities I got to do today.

Well, the sun's out. Let me just fire up the weed whacker. You know? Right? I'm like, hell yeah, this is cool. I got to cut off sleeves. Yeah, trying to do some yard work. So our house doesn't always look like the worst one.

Everyone's like these fucking Mexicans. Fucking Mexicans, man. It's a Mexican house. Someone with the propane tank in the front yard. Ironically. It has no valve on it. Oh. Just freebly.

What were you going to say? I was going to say, ironically enough, it's the most unkempt yarded house. I know. I know, because I stack all these things and I got to like finish one before I can start the other and I just never get any of them done. The city fucked me with their deck stuff. The city totally fucked me. They should have fucked you with some yards.

It's all that damn government's fun. Yeah, they're probably gonna, they're gonna start with that. So I take the weed whacker out and I shit you not. The first fucking weed I whack is because immediately, into a big pile of fresh dog shit, which turns into a fine mist. It doesn't even like, it doesn't splatter. I mean, I charged this thing up.

I overcharged it. The battery was like 110% like fucking Ironman. I'm like, oh, hell yeah. And I stretched out the little thing. I stretched out the little weed wacky fucking tennis racket thing. All the max way it will go. I'm like, hell yeah. I'm going to do some fucking yard work.

All right. I'm going to do some fucking yard work to celebrate Venice. I get out there and go for weed number one and there's just this gross sound the smell hits the mist appears right away the fucking

the fucking fog monster the brown fog comes in hits immediately I'm like this is an odd sort of fog and then the smell hits like you gotta be fucking kidding me did I just weed whack it's like floating one of those power

wall mushroom. Dude, it was like a fucking bank counterfeit explosion, like a bank robbery, die explosion. Man, man, so I put it down, I will go in and my wife goes, that was fast. Like, well, because I, because I weed waxed right into a big pile of dog shit. She's like, did you get any on your shoes? You got it? I'm like, honey, it's all over. It's in everything. It's thing and she goes, look, you got it in your wound too. I guess you should have put a Band-Aid on that thing. I was like, all right, let's go to brunch.

Let's go. I'm done. You lift your glasses up from the outline. Yeah, I lifted my glasses up and there's like an outline of shit. Like a total total shit coverage. And now the, and my glass, like it's in the screws

of my glasses. God, fucking Dr. Manhattan. Glasses, man. And those were a good, those were a good set of glasses because I always have these, I always have these shitty glass.

I always get crappy glasses. I tried getting nice glasses. The Dr. Phil ones, but this woman slapped me and messed them up and this woman fucking slapped me in Vegas and broke those or bent them up so they're irreparable. And the other ones,

a fish slapped them off of me on a deep sea fishing boat. A fucking fish got flinged out of the water and slapped my expensive glasses into the ocean. You got shit in your glasses? So I said I'm done. And your open wound, too?

That's crazy. Yeah, and my open wound. I'm like, I got to go wash all this dog shit out of my fucking open wound. She goes, oh, you should have had a band-aid like everyone was saying. Like, I'm like, I can't.

I tried to get a Band-Aid. I guarantee you I'll try to get a Band-Aid and it will get fucked up. I fucking guarantee it. I fucking guarantee you if I try to get a Band-Aid, it will be, something will be messed up. Because I'm not getting a small one.

You gotta do what every other Mexican construction worker does. Just get a pack of pro clubs from the liquor store of the long sleeves and just let your arm heal into it for a couple days. It'll be fine. So I have this shit. This Reynolds rap shit. This can't be medical. It's just, it's all on the front like, oh man, this has been engineered. There's no way this has been engineered.

It's a piece of plastic. Oh, man. Dude, that's like, that's weed whacker 101, man. You can't be. I know. Oh, man. I figured I could see because I saw some dog shit. I'm like, there's the dog shit right there.

So I'm good. As long as I don't, as long as I don't hit that one. That's fucking insane. 101. If it's not milk, it's shit. It's something, man. It's getting fucking disgusting in here in this house. Started with the shit did.

Nah, just living in that fucking golem. Yeah! Welcome to Dick. You want Dick, you need, you love it, you got it! This is the show, and is a contest coming in a lap from Mount Burkidip in the heart of the city of failure.

Me host Nick Mason, a.k.a. the $20 million man. Joining me is Johnny the audio engineer. You know what, though? Oh, man. She hasn't... I think my wife forgot about the surveillance cameras.

So she hasn't gone... She hasn't gone and got video of the poop-miss thing. She sent... That fucking bitch. She sent... There was... There was a coyote outside. I forget why this happened.

And I went outside to, like, shoot it away or something. And I tripped on a box. Like, there was a box there, and I fucking slit. It was two boxes, flat boxes, and I slipped, right? That fucking pisses me off. I slipped. And I wake up to her. She C-Ced me on this email to the local news,

because everyone was, all the local news channels were talking about coyote sightings. So she sent them the surveillance. I put coyote siding You know Glendale and then in parentheses Also man trips And I'm like what the fuck is this Were you trying to get you were trying to get them to play me

Tripping on the news on the local news She's like well I thought you know They'd be interested in the coyote thing and then Why not have a little bonus right? That's fucking good You are fucking Man I'd pay good money to see a video

You fucking creating a brown mist. Yeah. That's fucking well I learned that the hard way as a kid We mean my friend stuck like one of those little birthday candle dynamites and a pile of dog shit We're like whatever these things don't do much That's a dumb it And it covered the whole side of his parents house And it was like a little pile of shit too. We're like what the fuck? So we had to spend probably three days cleaning it. It was a nightmare, but man, something

about like a loud bang and then sheer destruction afterwards is fucking hilarious. Oh no, why did we do that? Yeah. Oh, no. And then we were like, yeah, but these are waterproof. And then so we had a little above ground pool in the backyard.

Yeah. Through one in there. And I watched all the water just come straight out if it was frozen and lifted out in one solid piece. Really? It just like came up and then splice. Flushing everywhere afterward, but it was like for like a split second. It was the most impressive thing I'd ever seen Did it ruin the pool? Yeah, fuck that up. I've got in a shit of trouble. Yeah, um Hey, hey, I've been I've been waiting to hear this my my whole life

We're taking the oil Yeah, oh no Man Look, I hate all the Israel shit I hate all the Trump admin too, but, ma-ha-ha-ha. Hey, hey, we're here.

We're taking the oil. Oh! I've been waiting 34 years to hear somebody say that. When did they start going on it? When was the Gulf War? This is about terrorism. Not's about oil.

Yeah. Hey, Trump, he's, he's doing nation, but just admit that you're taking the oil. All this talk of peak oil over the decades and finally, now we are at peak oil. We finally

We finally got Something we voted for I finally got something I voted for Taking it It's called We're going in We're killing the guy who's causing problems Like that

Taking him Whatever blackbagging him Getting him out of there And then we're taking all of their stuff Which rightfully belongs To us He's like That's great

I've been laughing my ass off all morning I saw Marco Rubio on the news, and the woman asked him, the woman asked him, why didn't you get all the other narco terrorists in Venezuela? He goes, you mean, why didn't we do what we did, but five to five other people in five other locations?

Are you serious? That's totally absurd. All at once? All at once? Why didn't we do it five more times? Oh my God. It's crazy. great. It's fucking great. It's fucking great. And yet it is being spoiled by nonstop

doomers and gloomers out there who for some insane reason think that being unable to teach a bunch of Islamic pedophiles and goat fuckers how to do a democracy. Failing at that means somehow you can't do that in Venezuela, which you absolutely can. Mexicans can do a democracy. They're really good at following instructions, as it turns out. Middle Easterners? No, they're not good. They do not follow instructions.

They fuck kids. They go, oh, yeah. So when does the kid fucking start? Because I got fucked as a kid. And so I'm wondering when my turn at the fucking kids is like, no, that's not, that's not democracy. Huh, well, then we're not doing it. Because I got to fuck, I got to fuck some botcha-bazis, man.

That's what I said. to do it, yeah. Somebody's got to fuck these boys. Mexicans love it. It's great. Is everyone aware that... So Venezuela, right? It seems like everyone's kind of like

learning as they do. Everybody, like, there's like an information gap where nobody knows... There's a massive fucking information gap. Everybody's just like, they think of the one thing they know, which is either Harry Potter, Star Wars, or Israel. And then it's got to be, somehow, it's got to be one of those three things that we're doing. Like either, well, what do we just do?

Well, how is it like Harry Potter? How is it like Star Wars? How is Israel involved? And it's just like a totally different and new thing. It's called political assassinations. If there's one thing that we've learned over the last, I don't know how many years, is that that's the most effective way. It's called terrorism.

That's the most effective way to get what you want. You find the guy who's being a penis and you take him out. and then just wait for the next guy to come and say like well did you see what we did to that guy so well it's crazy because like all of history and like establishing borders and creating all this shit over the fucking however many quadrillion years but it's like it's the same shit we just have social media now yeah it's like if we didn't have phones I didn't know what was going on it'd still be going on I can't believe it um vansuel is shitload of oil more than any country on earth right

And then communist came in and took it. Hugo Chavez said, I'm going to do a military coup. Caesar fucking Chavez, man. What? Caesar fucking Chavez came in and took it. So he said, okay, we're doing communism. Everybody gets free stuff. And everyone's like, oh, shit.

Awesome. How? So we're going to, we got all this oil. We're going to sell the oil and give you free stuff, like all the shit they had all you commies love, like health care for some reason. I'm never anything fun it's always like crappy stuff

education and health care alright here have a ton of that they always want universal basics I want universal advancedics yeah I want good stuff water parks man you know

double water parks double water parks give me some good stuff um so then they let the obviously don't have to fuck they're doing with the oil fields

so they're like well because the US made it in the first place like well it doesn't matter We're making our oil This gets less and less less But whatever

This is what we like This is what we want to do We want to do communism Okay No one's gonna stop them Right Because until yesterday No one ever want to say the phrase

We're taking the oil It's just been a really limiting thing Um So Well gets less and less and less And people get dumber and dumber and dumber And they start doing communist shit Sending

fucking criminal cartels Into the US To do what their whole point is terrorize people, kill them, take their stuff. And then all the Venezuelans say, our country, oil's dropping, we're not making enough because we suck at running it

and the government's running it. Basically why communism never works, because the dumbest people in the world are running it. And there's no way to take it away from them and let someone smart do it. Yeah, but you just got to give it a chance, yeah, yeah. It was great when the oil's up, but now everything sucks. Now oil's down

and all of our facilities are like shitty because everyone's just like a con artist and a criminal. Who could have thought? We need to come into the U.S. We need like hundreds of thousands, millions of us come to U.S. And of course, liberals go.

Oh yeah. You guys, the guys that voted for a communist? Absolutely. Come on in. How many you got? As many as you want. Come on in. I just don't know.

So obviously, the only thing. possible solution is to kill that guy and get their oil going again and to send them all back, right? I don't know why this is, I don't know why it's taking everyone so long to get on board with the kill that guy and send everyone back plan, but that's obviously the only way to fucking do it. Oh yeah, huh? You guys are running, well, let's go ahead and take that guy out. Then you got to go back. but not it's just nonstop this is a this is regime change

this is just like Iraq it's not like Iraq at all no fucking Allah there's no Muslim shit South America's half white did everybody forget that they'll do they do democracy

they were doing it just fine until they started stealing elections and it all falls apart because in Latin America you have to every once in a while kill the guy that wants to be dictator It's just a flaw and a feature in the Mexican way of thinking

It's one of the like you get a pro and con for whatever race you are Yep exactly it's one of the many it's one of the it's one of the One of the weaknesses on the card oh every once in a while they'll have a little They'll have a little dictator and you got to kill them You got a point zero one chance of like having to do some incredibly violent shit in your life Yeah they like it a little bit of a multiplier they like it That guy wants to get killed. That's why he's doing it.

It's like a weird kind of lemming psychology. Like he says, the White House is dropping N-words. You see that? No. They said, if you don't know, now you know, and they cut it off and played the song. Oh, man. I was like, oh, my God. We're getting there.

You mean I can finally get a government job? Holy shit. Yeah, we're back, baby. All right. When people forget, too, the ultimate reason of sending all the Venezuelans out of this country so we can have one road soda on the way home from work. One beer. Just one.

The goal is one beer. Just one. You know how many beers you could have driving around communist Venezuela? None. None. You can't even have a car. You can't even have a car. Property is theft, all right?

I hate celebrating alone. I guess that's all it is. That's all it is. This is great, man. Yeah, uh, I voted for this. Kill the guy. Kill the guy in charge. No, no boots on, no army occupation.

Just kill the guy. And tell the next guy. Hey, by the way, we're going to do that again. The thing I love so much about this is, like, all these fucking years my whole life, I've just been told, like, and by everyone, too, like, oh, well, you know, the thing with government is always takes time. It's always, like, everyone acts like there's so much fucking red tape. Nothing can ever get done. And Trump's just been like, no, we're doing this. We're going to do it.

And it's like, that just makes me think everyone who's ever like. It's full of shit. Yeah. It's just like all you fucking. That's white people flaw. You see that on the back of their car. We gotta come to some kind of consensus about this. Nah, let's just do it. Yeah Let's one guy just do it. Just make someone fucking do it because man, it's just like

That's how it's supposed to be right that's how it's supposed to be right like people getting shit done or am I just so like Taking it? Um I don't get it. It seems like maybe I'm way off, but it seems like everyone's really especially retarded here Like you guys know that Like, Maduro was like that head of the criminal gang cartel that's coming in here and like killing people and like you know that he works with all the the NGOs and stuff like he's just like doing uh spreading communism and doing that's all i don't i don't give a shit about the drugs it's like the violent crimes and it's the

communism it's the communism yeah i've been playing too much fallout for any communism it's like the taking guys that vote for communism and just moving them into our country like you're Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. No. Well, we can't go back. We're afraid of that guy. Then kill him.

We'll do it. Here. You guys should have done this, but... You should be more afraid of us. Get the fuck back there. Exactly. You should be more afraid of us. Especially if I've had one road so.

It's called terrorism. Get used to it. It works. It works 100% of the time. And it's then we don't even have to do it. We just got to elect the guy and go, oh man, I can't believe he did that. Oh, that sucks.

Ah, well, wait until next election cycle. It's fucking, oh, it's good. You remember, it's Iraq, it's Afghanistan. Yeah, um, when you're walking around Afghanistan, is there a bunch of, like, is there a bunch of, like, uh, is there a bunch of, like, ranchera music going around? Do they have bullfights over there? Or are they making little boys dress up like women and raping them? Oh, which one is happening over there?

Which one is happening over there? It'd be awesome to de-state. all of Cuba with like three food trucks. Just take three LA food trucks at random. Send them to Cuba. Take him a soccer ball. There you go. There you go.

A soccer ball and a couple mopeds. Keep them busy. Give them a lime scooter. And then China pops up. Hey, we're pissed off about this. Like, yeah. Because you're fucking communists. Because you're trying to take over the U.S.

Because the communists that took over Venezuela were trying to take over the U.S. No shit, you're pissed off about it. No shit. Why isn't everybody happier about this? Fuck! Do it more. Yeah.

Do it to Bess? Do it to Cairn Bass? Do it to Newsom? Get every motherfucker in America go one by one. Put them in alphabetical order so they know it's coming. Yeah, we're going to come in in Black Baggie because you're fucking around doing communist shit. Oh, wake up to see Bass, a black woman.

black woman mayor of L.A. Talking about Venezuela. Like, bitch, are you fucking insane? You are... Do you have many Mexicans? You don't have any fucking South...

This is a... First of all, it's all Latino. This is a... This is a Latino issue. This thing with dictators and... They just love it.

They love it. They love wearing the little hat. They love dressing up in a little hat. They love having that mustache. And they love it. This is a little bit. Latino issue. Shut your fucking mouth. They just got a big problem with dictators.

Africa doesn't have that problem. They're just running around, raping babies, you know, shooting AK-47. You don't see a bunch of guys in Venezuela shooting AK-47s in the air, okay? That's a big difference. That's a big fucking difference. When it comes to can this place sustain democracy or not? This, it means no. It cannot.

Yeah, but what if they're shooting car batteries? They K-47? Also, no. Mexico, yeah, they could do a democracy. Yeah, they had a great one. They didn't. But they're just a little bit fuck up with communism. Hey, we should do some communism.

No. That's when they got to be stopped. Those damn dirty hippies, man. It's just a little tip, you know. Maybe I'm too into this thing. I've been following it like I've been following it like crazy Probably because

My dad got a Mine of his Expropriated by the government By the communist government Long long time ago He got kicked out of I think it was Peru It took his fucking turquoise mine

So it's a big problem down there And the only solution is for White people to Take them out Yeah When they get a dictator. It's like a cancer. The metastasizes.

It is cancer, yeah. Yeah, you just got to go kill him. Or arrest him, whatever. Dad with a big ass Cassio, like, handheld TV, trying to watch the game from inside of mine. Dude, he was Mr. Turquoise. Mr. Turquoise. I think it's how he met my mom.

Was he, like, at a... He was fucking smuggling it into the country. Of course. What, like, through Sedona? I, like, I keep running... into people from Ohio and Sedona lately and I hate both of them. They're the same exact person. Oh hi

and Saddam, oh yeah. What about Santa Fay, New Mexico? Different. I think a little different. It's one of those, like, as soon as you see too many brown, white people in one place, you know. My dad would smuggling turquoise and then they said,

what is all this? Fucking box of giant crate, like, Ark of the Covenant, Turquoise. And goes, oh, it's brass. You know how it changes... It's samples for the university and its brass. Two lies. And they're like, oh, really?

Because yeah, you know how it changes colors? Oxidizes? And they're like, oh, yeah, I guess so. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, and fucking communist government. Came in, nationalized everything, took it away. Man. Maybe that's why.

But it's fucking great, man. Now go home. Yeah, get out of here. Why would they not want to? Got the more oil Got a fucking ocean of oil Under their feet Yeah here comes your quality of life back

Supposedly Yeah Fucking Abu Dhabi They have like $80,000 a year For everybody there UBI Coz all the fucking oil

Get the hell out of here Yeah I'm gonna move back Well Pretty cool Man Put that in the In the jar of marbles

On a One drop in the cool one And the things do happen. I don't understand. The doom posting is just too much. Everybody posting is too much. Exactly what Israel would want it wanted us to do.

Like, what are you talking about? It's crazy. What the fuck what Israel? When I get more like seeing schizo ads on my Instagram, I'm like, you know what? Like, I prefer this over anything serious, anyone's trying to win. Yeah. It's like check out a new stranger things. Check out who's gay in stranger things.

Spoiler, it's all away. They're all gay. Except the monster. Yeah. He's the only straight one. That's why he's so pissed off. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of all the parades.

I didn't see the end. Did you see the end? I don't watch any of it. Yeah, because it's dumb. Sucks. I will say, apparently in the new Fallout show, Caesar is Chinese.

Wait, what? Yeah. Why? I don't know. I haven't gotten that far in the show. I just started watching it just so I could see Chinese Caesar. In the new

in the new Odysseus in the Odyssey movie Helen of Troy is black, I think. Hellna of Troy. Hell nah of Troy. The sexual Caesar? You're going to be Chinese.

Yeah. Like the salad? In Rome? Yeah, except in the fallout universe. So they're in like the middle of Vegas. And there's a fucking Chinese guy wearing Roman emperor armor. Rearisa regions. Right.

That's why I'm like, I kind of want to, I got to watch Far Out now. Chinese are. Oh, man. Like I have to replay New Vegas as a Chinese guy now. just for the bit and I don't have time for it 17 trillion in oil and this is the guy that's doing all the

all the bad stuff torture him until you know tell us about those voting machines that you guys were the first to start using right how did that go because you obviously stole two or three elections at least you know that was obvious

to everybody everybody even said yeah How'd that go? You know? Why is Hakeem Jeffrey's calling you? Why is he trying to call you ahead of the strike and like warn you? What's going on there? Let's get some... I hook a car battery up. See what's going on. This is what I voted for. You know, this is what I voted for. Terrorism. Great. Let's keep it up. Let's keep up the good work. Um, okay, let me see here. What do I have? I got this, um... Oh, I got this. Oh, I got this. Chris the Kiwi email. Let me show you. Maybe it's funny.

And then we got a caller. Oh my God. They have QR codes on parking meters now in L.A. Oh, yeah. They have that in San Diego, too. You know that little screen

that's like immediately broken? Yeah. And that you can't even read like the number of time. You can never fucking see. It's always black and fucked up. I don't even know how people fuck it up too because it's so

they must have a sledgehammer or something um they have QR codes to pay now which are impossible to read um yeah then I saw

I saw this new story that people are have you seen that that spray foam oh yeah no people have been doing that in San Diego too yeah they go in they go in with the spray foam and stick it in the slots in the credit card slot and it's like you can ruin like the entire street or their parking meters with

like two bucks pretty funny spray films great okay I got this email from Chris the Kiwi he's been he's been emailing me like crazy maybe it's funnier if I bring it up

he's been really going nuts my wife sent me a screenshot of her Instagram and it was a preview of a message from him in the unopened messages that was that just said

you know you can only see a little bit yeah and it was and not just any kind of whino. And she's like, should I open this? I'm like, you know, I don't know. It's kind of, it's up to you. Here's what Chris the Kiwi sent. You see it's from Claire.

You see this? You see how it's from Claire? Okay. It says, Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, maybe I'll show it. Dude, the visual gag is great. right okay it says

he's been he's been emailing me nonstop and I just don't have like I don't know what to I don't care stop email me uh hello dick I'm Claire Chris's friend I've been following you and Chris for a number of years

and this is this is what she sent after he sent like 40 50 emails I've been following you and Chris for a number of years and I'm unhappy that it's seems you haven't been treating him well. This is from Claire. Claire to Kiwi?

Claire. Does he put a wig on when he writes this email? Yeah. It seems that you haven't been treating him well, confusing him and pretending to be his friend over the years. At times, taking advantage of him on the pretense of giving him false hope of popularity, in the guise of being popular,

in actual fact, you and others laughing at him and giving him infamy. And when he is no use, emotionally abusing him and ignoring his messages, making him feel worthless and devastated, even though you took advantage of him. May I ask exactly, may I ask what exactly going on

and why you treated him like this? It seems cruel. I would like to know why the above. Hope to hear from you. Regards. Chris. This is from Claire. Okay.

now there's a follow-off email from Claire Sorry, no subject This was sent immediately after Sorry, meant regards Claire Typo Sorry, meant regards Claire

typo So she made a typo and she said What if he wrote Chris at the end of that one? comments. Comma, Chris. That's fucking... Did you see that

that ski resort that caught on fire? And everybody, everyone died because they were because they were filming it. Yeah, wait, watch this. What the fuck?

This is great. Sounds like something out of my segment. God damn. Yeah, it does. Here it is. Swiss ski resort bar fire. I think it was on New Year's. Was it a breath holding contest

they were filming? It is. Yeah, here we go. Okay. So here's the ski resort catching on fire. Warning, it has disturbing content. Okay, get out of here. So there's the fire. Look at all the people just filming it.

Jesus. There's, oh yeah, flames right there. So it's just pointing right at them. It doesn't even look like that. All of them are recording. Look at that. There's like, there's like, uh, 15 people. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

Okay. The flames are now out of, totally out of control. Like this, you see, this is a death trap. You're dead now. These flames are, they're now, they started on the roof. Just because of those stupid sparklers that, like, poor people are just fascinated by. That they bring out of them, dude. Oh, dude.

I saw Jeff Bezos and his wife at like St. Bartz or whatever with all the billionaires for New Year's. And it's the same, except instead of a bunch of like hot young whores carrying them out, it was a bunch of like middle-aged

whores carrying out champagne buckets and those fucking sparklers. They love and the signs. They just love a sign. It's like such a boomer anachronism. Yeah It's just like You gotta have like

Well you gotta have the fanfare Otherwise you gotta have a sign Yeah Otherwise you're just drinking Alcohol Yeah This is a whole commemorating it with like a

You need a sign TableScape and all that shit Yeah yeah yeah So they brought one of those out At this bar And it caught the roof on fire Obviously Um

Because they're the shooting fire Out of the sparklers And then everybody films it, everybody's standing around filming it then the whole bar catches on fire which you can see here this is a serious death trap. This is like Inglorious Bastards theater on fire

right? Yeah it looks like you're on set somewhere this is insane and they're still recording it oh there goes if I saw a fire like that I'm getting the fuck out of there yeah then they have this candlelight vigil

I don't know if that's appropriate Yeah, it should at least be the battery candles. Put down your fucking phone. That's what it should be on the vigil. There should just spell that out with all the candles. Put your fucking phone down. Put it in your fucking ass. Put it in your ass.

You don't need. There's got to, there's, like, I know if it's against FTC regulations to have these phone jamming devices, but it would make everything so much better. if either all the people who compulsively filmed like this died in a horrific fire or if there was some sort of a jamming thing that you could just turn off and have like a 90s bar in early 90s bar. They got to have Costco build every building

because every time I'm in fucking Costco I get zero reception whatsoever. It's like a dead zone. Every Costco I've ever gone to. There's got to be something we can do. The initial moments of the deadly fire, yeah, in Switzerland, about 40 people were killed and more than 100 people were injured because they couldn't go off their fucking phone.

We gotta get this. Oh, well. It could be a really good Nokia ad, though, if all the phones survived. Yeah, that's true. That'll be nice. Okay, let me see what else I got here. Women are throwing a fit

that Grock is putting them in bikinis. Just another day on the internet, I guess. and Elon says if you do illegal stuff with Croc you're gonna go to jail again this feels like I feel like Twitter should have just stayed in Silicon Valley yeah like all this shit should have just stayed up there

and if you leave the border of Silicon and none of it works ever again yeah are we ever going to be able to like do anything good with anything like we I want a technology where I can see women naked without having to do any work. Right.

Like that's my right. Closing my eyes and thinking is a little too much. It's too much work. And I always imagine the same thing. You know, I need like a computer to spice it up. Like, hmm, oh, I didn't, I didn't imagine that. Well, I sure, surely I wouldn't have imagined this. I've imagined all the kinds of ways that I could imagine women naked by now.

I need a new 360 Vitruvian man Picture that you can rotate I need something fresh I need a computer to do it for me I don't just want computers to You know right like Synopsies of my emails

And pretend to do customer service You know I hate all that And like make crappy looking pictures I don't want that I want everybody we just want it to make women naked

for less work that's the that's the goal that's always been the goal of technology since the beginning of time to make women naked for free I'm just thinking about customer service too and like think about like

every time you get a customer service email you know it's fucking this AI I know And it's like, don't fucking insult my intel. I know you don't give a shit. Yeah. The best customer service email I've gotten. Yeah.

I got a wrong size shirt. Email them. They just said farts. One word, period, all lowercase. I got a new shirt two days later. And I was like, huh. Like, you said farts? It just said farts.

I was like, hey, you know, this is my order number, blah, blah, blah. And it's, farts. Correct size shirt two days later. Dude, it's, the AI is like totally ruined hiring. You can't interview. We were, we were, uh, we were trying to get a nanny. Oh, yeah, done. They like, it goes from totally eloquent writing to cannot speak any English at all.

Like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Uh, you don't see that this is a slight misrepresentation or? Just a, oh, a gross, uh, miss, uh. Like, what? is this? How do you how do you rationalize this? It's not you at all. Like most people at least try to put in

the effort but you've got Indians you've got people who like can't even say English just writing every application like cranking it out with AI. It's crazy. I got a spam text this morning at 730

that was like I'm from this staffing agency and we're you know we've got all these open jobs I was just like 7.30 on a fucking Sunday. Like, wrong time zone, asshole. Like, I know you're in fucking India right now. You can't fucking lie to me like this.

So we're choking on the generative AI and the one saving grace is not having to work so goddamn hard to see women naked. And what do they do? First, number one. Straight to jail. First thing.

Take it away from us. I wish they would just take AI as a whole away from us Me too You know what First time we did this shit You guys made it super racist and we had to pull it offline Yeah it was awesome though The Microsoft one

Yeah, TAY Yeah, it's funny And then it was like You know, we should have just been like You know what? This is a waste of our time That's all it's ever gonna be Yeah, it's fine But they kept trying to fucking keep forcing that experiment

Every time I see these these billionaires like crying about their data centers not getting approval. Like what? Everyone hates this stuff, guys. Yeah. Like everyone fucking hates AI. We hate seeing the pictures. You don't let us do anything fun with it.

Like do racist stuff or make women naked. Yeah. So what do you expect? Like no one, no one wants your gay data center. The power sucking, water wasting, whatever the narratives is for it. But it's more like, no, we just hate the what you're making. It's like you're building a fuck you factory And surprise that everyone hates it

What I mean you don't There's gonna be jobs at my fuck you factory You don't want China to beat us in the fuck you Race do you I don't care Do I care if China has more fuck you Than you I don't

Yeah Fuck them Fuck you Take your fuck you factory somewhere else Go build it on your own property Fuck you Nobody wants it you guys don't want a big fuck you

every time you open your computer what the hell man this is progress nothing like um you know really has been fucking that pisses me off lately is the new AI boomer trend where it's like a fucking boomer like holding this phone up

and he's like walking around on like a film set and he's like oh just hanging out another day and like oh yeah that's me with like Spider-Man oh god exactly exactly that's peak Fuck you. Hey, look at this,

let me shut this. Hey, look at all these celebrities I'm hanging out with. Yeah. And this fucking video I made. Every time I get an AI video, I internalize that as fuck you. Me too.

I'm like, this guy is like, I saw one of this investor guy walking around. He's like, oh, here's me with Jay Leno. Oh, here's me and Warren Buffet. No, I'm turning around and I'm in Spider-Man. Look at me and Spider-Man. Why would anyone want to see this? You're afraid.

That's just a big fuck you. I don't want to see you in Spider-Man. I don't want to see me and Spider-Man. I don't want to see Spider-Man. And now I hate Spider-Man. I hate Spider-Man. And now it's just like how trans women, like, ruined tall women. Because now you can't even look at a tall woman and think like, oh, is that a, does she have a dick?

Like, now, so now any sort of cool thing, like, in my mind, I'm thinking, does it have a dick? Oh, that's a cool poster. Does it have a dick? Did AI make it? Hey, Pally, what's your hand? I was out with Keon last night. There was this tall woman and he's like, do you think that's trans? And I'm like, I don't know, but I don't even, I'm not interested in looking at her anymore. You almost have to always hit the default, yes? Yeah, yes. I don't want to be, because I don't want to be, have been tricked. I don't want to have been fooled. God, God bless. Oh, shit. All right, let's get on the call. Oh, cool. try to get this call going I fucking hate it

take your fuck you factory and go fuck yourself with it get out of here nobody wants this crap yeah make of AI of you driving your own car up your own ass holy fuck dude every one of them oh this is fucking the most

we're right there with AGI we're gonna get a thinking computer I don't want to think I don't give a fuck anymore yeah it's dumb you guys messed it up I just like a family computer that's just like cool you get like your word processing you get one spreadsheet program that can only do like two layers of sheets

and has like a limited amount of cells you can use yeah and just fucking and you get solitaire other than that it's like if you have no business being on the computer then get the fuck off of it uh okay let me there we go how do I admit people um so

So my wife My wife and I were cruising Reddit We've got a newborn So we're like sending videos to each other At two and three in the morning To pass the time of the baby sleeping on us And we found one of your AMAs And one of your

This video you're doing where you were saying That you were you were doing a fake survey Of the homeless And you were getting their You were getting their social security numbers And then taking out credit cards

in their name was that the was that the deal I mean it was a little bit more than that yeah more than just credit cards but yeah well that's what I found so then I was like wait a minute what's this guy what's going on here because this is this is great so I went through

and you were one of your videos says you were the FBI's most wanted man and there was like what did I wrote it? No I don't know I don't know who posted that yeah I you know here I can tell you how that happened. Okay. Are we, are we, is this the, the interview?

Yeah, we're going. Yeah. Okay. Well, so that actually happened because I did, um, I did a Danny Jones podcast, the first podcast I ever did. And I explained on the podcast that I was number one on the secret services most wanted list. Yeah. And then when he posted the video, he said the FBI's most wanted fugitive or number one

fugitive or something. And I was like, I called him up immediately. I was like, yo, when he posted, I said, hey, that's not true. It's Secret Service. And he goes, bro, it's YouTube. Nobody cares. I care. That's the first thing I saw. Secret Service is so much more interesting. No, see, he said, nobody even knows that the Secret Service, like, all they, you know, they protect the president. He's like, nobody even knows they go after guys like you. And I was like, no, that's, I don't think that's true. He said, bro, it doesn't matter. And it's already posted. and he's like, there's no YouTube police. He goes, it'll be fine.

But then, but everybody says that. Yeah, now everyone thinks that. All of them say that. And I'm like, look, I'm not saying I was wanted by the FBI. Yeah. I was definitely on the one on like their wanted list, right? Yeah. But I wasn't like number one on the fugitive list.

I was just, but I was number one on the Secret Service's most wanted list. Okay, so your bio is, this is Matthew Cox, everyone. check out his show. You're a con man and you recently completed a lengthy prison sentence for a variety of bank fraud related charges.

I love this part. On your bio you say, and I'm 100% guilty of them all. I was incarcerated at a federal correctional complex in Coleman, Florida. It's not a bad place

as prisons go. Some inmates do their time in the recreation yard walking the track, and doing push-ups. Others learn to play an instrument. I spent my time in the institution's library writing my fellow inmates' stories.

Sometimes it was a memoir. Other times it was a true crime. And as a result, I heard an outrageous amount of stories. That's crazy, man. What an interesting way to spend. How long were you in prison? Like 10 years, 9 years? 13 years.

13 years. What an interesting way to spend the time. Writing a guy everyone's story. It's not like, you know, I want to take a horde of one. culture class or something. Like, I'm not, I'm not a farmer, you know, so I'm not going to do anything, you know, like, what am I going to do? I was just trying to figure out something I could do when I got out of prison that was not going to require me to work in the sun. And so, yeah, it was, basically

what you realize very quickly when you're incarcerated is that, like, there's just tons of these guys have these stories that are just amazing. And, And I heard by that, by the time I decided to start writing, I was like, you know, I'd probably heard 30 different stories that every one of them I was like, why is this not a movie? Yeah. Why isn't, you know, what's, but then you start to realize like, this isn't a movie because these guys can't, they can't tell their stories. And I don't mean that in a bad way. Because even when I wrote my, my memoir, it's very hard to write a story about yourself because you don't really see yourself. the way you truly are.

Yeah. You know, or the way other people see you. And, and, you know, you get emotional and you want to explain things. And it becomes long-winded or you're just not a good storyteller in general. So I told my, I first wrote my memoir. And then I started writing other people's memoirs. I ended up writing a guy's memoir. You know, you ever see the movie War Dogs?

Um, yeah, with, uh, was that, Jonah Hill. Yeah, with Jonah Hill where they're taking the, um, they're doing gun run, they're gun running, right? They're taking the, they're giving the lowest bid and then buying guns and then reselling them to the U.S. government. Yeah, that's a, did you write that? I wrote, so Ephraim Debroli is the guy Jonah Hill plays. Yeah. He's Ephraim, Ephraim Debril. And, um, I was in prison with him and I wrote his memoir. No kidding. Now, Ephraim says that Warner, brothers stole his memoir and used it to write the movie and then he sued Warner Brothers. Completely untrue. But I'm the one that wrote the memoir. I mean, he published it and, you know, when he got out, but I wrote it when he was incarcerated. And it's ever-deverelli with Matthew Cox. And so I wrote his memoir, but while it was locked up and, you know, so that was, it's called Once a Gun Runner.

Yeah. So I wrote my memoir first. and then after writing my memoir and researching it, because, of course, you know, I couldn't remember all the dates and everything. So I had to order, like, the Freedom of Information Act, and I had to order all these documents. On your own life or on his?

No, even on mine. Even on yours. But even on mine, like, I can't remember the day that this happened or this one closed or I did. So I started requesting documents, and I figured out how the Freedom of Information Act works. And the great thing about this is that you would get your name calls, for a mail call.

Yeah. This doesn't, it's not going to make sense to you, but anybody that's ever been incarcerated to listen to your show is going to know how important this is, it is very exciting when you go to mail call and you have a letter. Like, anything is great because somebody remembers you or you hear your name called. And so I would order these doc. It was exciting in general. I'm ordering Freedom of Information Act.

And I'm getting them in. I'm getting these reports in from the FBI and the Secret Service. Florida Department of Law Enforcement and, you know, all these companies and they're sending in stuff and these agencies and I'm able to get transcripts. And so it allowed me a bunch of time to do research to put together my outline. Because of course, from a criminal's perspective, I don't know what law enforcement was doing. Dude, that's what I was going to ask. So you're getting, you're getting freedom of information requests of them tracking you. You're getting like, you're getting, I mean, you're basically watching like the movie from the good guys point of view

through your request. You can read, wow, that's, that's got to be crazy. And the other thing is you're finding out like when did they get the first, when did they find out about? You know, who came in and cooperated and told them about me? And then what did they do from there? And then the warrants and who signed the warrants and what did the warrants say? and you get to read the master affidavits and all these things that law enforcement right up.

Going back a little bit, can you, like, can you briefly explain what you did and what they got you for? Because I've got so many questions about the Freedom of Information Act stuff. Like, was there, were there any surprises? Were you like, this guy, like, this guy turned me in

or this is where I fucked up or, you know, I could have got away with it, you know? Sometimes it's sometimes it's you think that you know what happened. Yeah. And then you find out, that's not what happened at all. You know, that's not who turned me in. Or that's not who was chasing me down the street or for whatever reason.

You find out, like, you know something happened, but you didn't really know how it happened. And so, you know, look, it's exciting. But so here's how I got in, ultimately got in trouble. You want me to give you like a five-minute version? Well, I think the number I saw was you had, I mean, you had taken like $60 million at one point. What was the, did you have a final? It was 50. 55. $55 million you stole.

Right. Yeah. I mean, that's the simplest way to put it. Well, I was involved in $55 million with a fraud is what they said. But basically, I own a mortgage company. And when I say I owned a mortgage company, I owned a mortgage company in Florida, which meant that you had to take a weekend course, pass the course, and then you took the state test, passed the state test. And then for an extra $300. So now I became a mortgage broker and I had to work for a broker's business. Okay. For an extra $300 I could become the brokerage business. So I did work. So it's like nothing. It's nothing. Wow.

So I did work for, and that was at that, I don't know what it is now. Now it's $400. Yeah. Well, and now they probably have, I'm sure,

because of the Dodd-Frank Act, I'm sure they did something different, but it's probably still not that difficult. It's Florida. They'll license you pretty much for anything. Yeah. So what ended up happening was I, I went to work for somebody

else for about a year. And then I started my own company. And in the course of just being a broker, I started committing fraud. And once I started my own company, you know, it was very important that we make money. And I was already making money, but I started hiring a bunch of guys. We basically turned it into a mill, maybe 10 or 12 guys were just cranking out loans every month. And, but eventually after a year or so, I ended up getting in trouble. So people that used to work for me started their own business. They got in trouble for committing fraud. They ended up cooperating with the FBI.

They wore a wire on me. I got in trouble with the FBI. And then I just took a plea deal and I said, I'll do, get three years probation. Because I hadn't lost any money. They had lost like half, they lost like half a million dollars. What kind of fraud? What is fraud in the mortgage business that you guys are doing? Are you writing totally fraudulent loans?

Are you just like, no, no. At this point, I'm doing stuff like, let's say you wanted to buy a house and you needed to make $60,000, but you only made, you know, $55,000. I would change your W-2s and pay stubs to say you made $65,000. Oh, okay. So you qualify for the loan. Yeah, okay. You're thinking that's not that big of a deal, but what's happened is you now just borrowed $300,000 that you don't really qualify for. Yeah.

And so that's $300,000 in fraud. That's the way they look at it. What year was that, that you were doing that? 1999, 2000. Okay, so it was before the great financial crisis. Yeah, before the 2008 financial crisis. Yeah, so it seems like a lot of people might have been doing that. Right, so by 2001, I get indicted.

Well, I don't get indicted. I actually just get charged. Okay. So I got charged, I waived the indictment. Because I was guilty and they had a wire on. They had me, I was, had been wired or caught on a wire. So I ended up pleading guilty and I got three years probation, but I couldn't be a mortgage broker anymore.

Okay. And so as a result of that, you know, I was saying, you know, looking back, like I, you know, I was deeply in debt, right? So when I say in debt, I mean, we were, I was getting a divorce, you know, if you're carrying credit cards for $30,000 and you're making $200,000 plus a year, and keep mind, this is 20 years ago. Like, that's not a big. deal. But, you know, and you have like a couple car payments and you got a couple houses and I had like,

we had like 55 rental units. My wife and I, we bought a ton of rental units because I could easily get the loans. So, and I'm in the middle of getting a divorce. And so, you know, my bills are eight or nine thousand. And like I said, that's 20 years ago. And now I don't have a job. Like I, the business, I sold the business, but it's only, I'm, I basically financed it to somebody who's paying me. Yeah. Okay. So how do I make money? And what I always say I should have done was just like claim bankruptcy. Sure. I should have claimed bankruptcy gone back to my parents' house. But, you know, at this point, I was like 33 and just didn't want to, I just did not want to take a step backwards.

And so what I did was I started committing a much larger fraud. And I decided I was going to kind of quasi start building houses and renovating houses and maybe eventually open a development company, which is what the ultimate goal was. It did happen, but not real. So I ended up, what I decided I was going to do was start flipping houses in Ebor City, which is an area of Tampa. It's basically close to downtown Tampa.

And it's like saying, it's like New Orleans, let's say 7th Avenue. It's the area of 7th, or what is it? No, 7th Avenue. What am I saying? We had a show there in Ebor. Let's say, oh, okay. So you know, let's say it's kind of like Burbage Street.

Right. Yeah, it's like a party city. Houses and, you know, it's a low, kind of a low income area. Yeah. And so I decided I'm going to start buying houses there. I'm going to renovate the houses and sell the houses because you could buy houses for $50,000 there. Okay.

Rehab. They might need $50,000 in rehab. But even if you put $50,000 in rehab, you could sell them for maybe $120, $130, $140 or $50. But you then have to get people that qualified that will live in that area. Well, those people that live in lower income areas, they're not great borrowers. So it's like, okay, this is, it's just a bad situation. And I thought, well, you know, what I should do is just start kind of creating my own borrowers. And I figured out how to get, so I figured out how to get Social Security to issue Social Security numbers to children that don't exist.

The way I did that was I just called Social Security over and over again and gave them different scenarios. You know, first it was like, oh, I'm 33 and I never had a social security number. And they're like, yeah, that's not possible. Hang out, call back, give them another scenario. I very quickly realized that you would have to be a child to have not had a social security number. And then they wanted me to bring in my child, my five-year-old child. So then I was like, okay, then I call back. And I'm like, my kids, eventually they said, look, if your kid's under 12 months old, you have to bring them in.

So I call back. I say, I got a 10-month-old kid. He was born with a midwife, not in a husband. hospital and he doesn't have a social security number and they would be like and they'd say so you're building like the you're building like the list of stuff that you need to answer correctly every time you call back like groundhogs day oh yeah a midwife and he's a wheel chair he's in an iron lung so he can't come in okay so eventually they say bring in so come in with a birth certificate for your child and a shot record and i was able to make a birth certificate and a shot record

And then you can, and then you have a, like a fake person. Right. Then they give me a social security number. Once I get the social security number, I then go online and I apply for credit cards. I don't say he's a fucking 10-month-old kid. I say he's like 30, 33 years old. This is a big jump from falsifying W-2s to qualify for mortgages to making fake people. It's all fraud.

I mean, it seems like, like if I knew somebody was doing the first one, I'd go like, you should stop that. But if I heard they were doing the second, I'd be like, you're going to jail, dude. That's a real, that's a real extreme crime that you're doing. Well,

it gets worse because I started getting credit cards and then I built credit profiles. And then, of course, these people, I also was able to make W2s of pay stubs. I would make fake companies, fake bank websites to cover their down payments. So that they would have website,

there would be a website. You could go to like Southern Exchange Bank of Clarksville. There was a website. It would say that, you know, I had fake bank statements. You could call in and I would, somebody would verify the money in the bank. There is no bank. I just made it up. They would all call you and you'd answer the phone. Like you'd have different lines for all these different things. It would be me or somebody, one of my associates or something. So we had did the bank of Ebor. We had, keep mind, these lenders are not in Florida. Like these are in California or New York or Chicago. So I start building these fake people and then I start having

them buy properties. But what I realized was if you buy these properties in these fake people's names, then, you know, like what are they going to do? I'm going to buy a house for 50,000 and refinance it. So, you know, that's not going to make me any money. Right. And what I realized I was at this point, I was divorced. I was dating a chick that worked at a title company. I figured We had a discussion, and I basically said, how can I buy these houses and record the sale of these houses at higher values? And she said, well, if you pay the extra doc documentary stamps on the deed, then it'll show up in public records as a higher sale. So I would buy a house for, let's say, $50,000, and my doc stamps should be $350. But you pay an extra, let's say, $1,150, or $1,000, or $1,050, pay an extra $1,000 and change, and it would show up as a $200,000 sale.

Okay. So if you buy four or five of these in one area within a few blocks of each other, the whole area shoots up through the room. So over the course of 18 months or so, the FBI says, I bought. did 109 of these transactions. Now, that's not true. Okay. What is the real number more? No, no, it was lower than that.

It was lower than that. I don't remember how many. I don't know if it was 60 or 70, but it was 100. I just think they put anything that I'd ever had anything to do with, they put my, they said it was a part of this. But the point is, is that. Now, how much money are you making at this point? I would say.

Off of these fake sales and flips and. Right. So each person that I made would buy five, sometimes, six houses. Yeah. For $50,000, record the value at $200, $220, $250, and then get like an 80% loan on the house. Okay. So let's say maybe 90%.

Let's say they end up getting $180,000 a loan or $170,000. I bought the house for $50. I might have put $10,000 in it. So I'm making $100,000. Each one of these people are worth between $5,000 and $600,000. Okay. So I'm refinancing the house. Because as soon as I buy the house, it looks like my, so let's say one of the guys' names is James Red.

James Red buys a house for $50,000. We record the value at $200,000. We then mow the yard, trim the trees, clean up the outside, have it painted. It looks good from the outside. I then get a fake appra—I get a real appraisal. Sure. But the appraiser comes in and he says, look, it's gutted inside. It needs $50,000 worth of work on the inside.

I then retype the appraisal out. I get the appraisal software and then redo the appraisal saying it's in perfect condition. And I send that to the lender. The lender now thinks, now a lot of the times I would just get the appraiser to do it because I knew the appraiser. I told him I was going to renovate it and he'd say, okay, I believe you. You give him an extra couple hundred bucks and he does it. Wow. And so all these, so I mean, that makes them an accomplice.

Yes. Yeah, okay. Are you like afraid of getting caught at this point? that's a shitload of loose threads. I got caught a bunch. Yeah. And I would just, I would just convince the lender to let me give them the money back. Oh, wow. Just let me give you the money back. Like I owe you $150,000 and I just let me cut you the check. And they would go, oh, we're going to call the FBI. And I was like, yeah, but you don't seem to understand. You think that your $150,000 loan is attached to a

$200,000 piece of property. And they go, yep, that's right. And I go, no, no, no. It's a attached to a property that's worth about $50,000. So they want their money back. Right. And then I'd say, so you're about to lose a minimum of $100,000, maybe more. Jesus. So let me just cut you the money back. Like, what's the problem, you know? Yeah.

I'd cut the money back. And here's the thing. Everybody always says, well, why wouldn't they get the money back and they call the FBI? I agree. Because guess what? They never did. Yeah. Not one time did anybody ever call the FBI.

Did they get in trouble for that? or just no the FBI's like nah never mind they wrote the money there's no there's no back then i don't know what it is now but you can't force me to report a crime well they do like with crypto stuff especially when when a big house uh trading house goes under they'll do clawbacks for anybody that withdrew like within i sell it happened with celsius they they went under and it was like two billion dollars that got withdrawn within the last 90 days before they went bankrupt and they made everybody pay it back if it was over a certain amount. Right, I understand, but that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, so, that's, that's, so, that's, so, how did the, um, how did the fbii end up getting involved? Um, so I did, um, so I did, after I'd

stolen like 11.5 million, I think. And did you have, like, did you have a history of, uh, like this cold calculating, uh, gangster type fraud before this? Because it seems like you went from like normal,

I don't know, like normal. I'm not a gangster. I mean, if you go to a bank and say, uh, don't report me to the FBI or else, you know,

these, these deals, this is a deal you can't refuse. There's an offer they can't refuse. This is like gangster shit to me that you're describing. They can call. They can call. They can call.

They could call. I'm not, it's not like I'm strong arming. I'm just like, listen, you know, what are we doing? Let me just give them money back. You know, golly gee whiz. It sounds like we just was, you know, it sounds like a financial error. Yeah. I feel real bad about it.

It's cold-blooded, though. Have you always, like, did you have a background of this? You know what I'm saying. No, normal people couldn't get away with this. They would be like, this is, I feel sick constantly. There's no way I can get away with this, right? No. No, I handle stress very well.

Yeah. You know, I'm very, I can, I can compartmentalize pretty much anything. Okay. You know, so, like, you know, I probably, you know, when I was single, I, I would have dated Casey Anthony. I mean, she seemed like like she'd be a lot of fun. We're not having kids. Wait, you're the girl that killed her, who did she kill? Husband or kid?

Her daughter. But I'm saying, yeah, I'm saying, you know, like, I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, I could have lunch with Stalin and, and, uh, Hitler. I mean, you know, they probably have some great stories. They're probably interesting guys. I mean, you know, I'm not, you know, the same thing. You know, Hitler was probably all messed up and he'd just start looping telling the same story over and over again.

He probably would, you know, maybe, who knows, you know? Probably wouldn't be fun. So, but, you know, it's like I'm not, you know, I'm not a judgey person. Um, anyway, so what ended up happening was eventually a, I was doing this, with other people, right? There are people helping me. Yeah. So one of my buddies who's pulling the same scam I'm pulling. Oh, Jesus. It is in Orlando. I'm in Tampa, Florida. He's in Orlando. He gets arrested in a bank. Yeah. So he gets arrested and I get him out on bond and he very quickly starts working with the FBI. I'm working with them. Sorry, he works with the local task force. Right.

They start investigating me and then one day I'm at work three or four months later. and a buddy of mine who's a sheriff's deputy who I done probably a million, maybe two million dollars with fraudulent mortgages for it. He comes in the bank, I'm the bank, sorry, he comes in my office and in his sheriff's outfit, the deputy outfit. And he walks in, I'm like, hey, what's going on? He's like, can I talk to you? I'm like, yeah, what's up?

And he goes, listen, man, because I used to date a woman that was on the Tampa police. department. Okay. You did? Oh, he did? He did. He did. Yeah, okay. And I said, okay. And he said, she came to my house today and she told me she was recently on a task force that was just handed over to the FBI. I'm like, okay. He goes, yeah, it's on a mortgage fraud. I'm like, oh, okay. And he said, it's on you. And he said, and I'm already on probation. I'm on federal probation at that moment. So I'm like, okay, he is, they're going to come arrest you. He is, do you know somebody got arrested in Orlando? And I'm like, yeah, my buddy Travis. And he goes, okay, well, he said, he's been cooperating with the task force and they're going to come arrest you. Yeah. I was like,

oh, shit. So I, I take off. I take off on the run. I immediately, wait, what was that? What did you, did you, did you, like, was it a panic? Like, did you pack a, what did you pack to go on the run? What was your plan? It took me about one day. It took me a day. I only had a day. This is a Thursday at 4 o'clock. So I had one day to get out as much money as I could.

Give on, we probably had a million or so in the bank. Not to mention we had about 100 parcels of land. So I'm buying vacant lots. I'm building new houses. So the money's coming in as soon as it's going out. We probably had a million dollars I could have gotten if I had a couple weeks. Yeah. So in one day I was able to get out about 80,000.

It's like a rest of development, you know, like the fake developer and stuff. Have you ever seen that show? Arrested Developments? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Like, what was the name of that housing development? Sudden Acres?

I think it reminds me of that. So I have about one day to get out. I get out about 80 grand in cash. And I take off. Sorry, I take off with my, actually with the chick I was dating at the time. Does she know how much bad stuff you're up to? Or does she's just whatever, the money's good, whatever?

Absolutely. No. Yeah. You know, but I don't know what her, I don't know what the deal was. Anyway, you know, we took off and we went to Atlanta, Georgia, and I went, and we rented a house in Alpharetta, Georgia, which is just outside of Atlanta. We rented a house from a guy named Michael Shanahan, and I created a fake ID for Michael Shanahan, and I went downtown, and I went downtown, and I satisfied. the loan, there were two loans, I think, on his house. Okay.

So I create what's called the, so let's say your house right now. Let's say you have a house worth half a million dollars. You have a mortgage on it for, let's say, half a million dollars. When you pay off that mortgage, the way that public records knows it was paid off is that the bank creates a fake, I mean, the bank creates a satisfaction of mortgage. It's a one-page document notarized by somebody at the bank saying that the mortgage is paid off. Yeah. It's a little more complicated than that. but not much more.

And it's filed with the county. And then the mortgage you have on your house, you can still see it, but it says it's been paid off. Right. Okay. But now you own your house free and clear. Right.

So I create two satisfaction of mortgages for Michael Shanahan's house from Bank of America. I file both of them, and those mortgages on his house disappear. I'm now living in a house as Michael Shanahan. And that's completely paid off. it's worth a couple hundred thousand dollars yeah i then call i call three hard money lenders and i borrow a hundred and fifty thousand dollars from each hard money lender at the same time okay why is that well because i i'm trying to borrow four hundred and something thousand dollars okay okay and i

can't borrow 400 000 on a 200 thousand dollar house but if i go to three lenders at the same time and close each one of those loans at three different title companies i can borrow the money okay And that's what I do. I go to three different title companies. I get all the money. I get $400,000 because there's a bunch of fees and bullshit. And then I put that money, I open up a bunch of bank accounts. I put that money into a bunch of bank accounts and I pull the money out in cash and then I take off.

So at this point, I'm, I realize that I can't use these fake IDs that I'm making because I'm literally making the IDs. And if I get pulled over, that's not going to cut mustard. So what I decide to do is I have to start getting drivers. license is in people's names like real people okay like your fake like your kids or real actual people that exist no real people so what i do is i start i decide the who out there like you know the fucking homeless that okay all right yeah so exactly i start i start surveying the homeless and once i get the homeless people's information and that was pretty easy i just made a statistical survey form got got myself a little clipboard.

I made a little badge. Instead, I was a statistical surveyor. And I went out and I offered $20 for a survey. And these guys would give me their name, data birth, social security number. Mothers made name what high school they went to, whether they were in the military, are they receiving Social Security disability,

social security, or any type of. That's diabolical, man. How did you think of that? Like, how did you, what's the moment in the movie where this is your stroke of genius? You're like, we got to use the homeless. to get their, like they actually exist, you know? So I first started by running ads in the newspaper for mortgages, so people would call in

and I would take an application on them. Yeah. Because I knew they'd give me everything I needed to steal their identity. So with the exception of one thing, which is the county you were born in and what's your mother's made name, but it was just an extra question I had asked them. I told for security purposes, I need these two, and they'd answer it. Right. But the problem is one of those guys that I actually got, did get an ID and this one guy

name. He had had a DUI. Okay. And so I remember thinking, I could be driving around on this guy's driver's license, and what if he gets another DUI? Yeah. What if I get arrested for driving on a suspended license or something? Right. Right. And I thought, I need some people's information that aren't using their

information. And my girl, the girl and I, we were talking about it at a stoplight. We just got off the interstate worth the, like, the stoplight. And she was like, who? She's like, mental patients or like people are arrested like people incarcerated i was like well what if they warrants and i looked over there was a guy standing there with a homeless work for food sign yeah i went like that guy and i remember she said because i i've never heard this but i mean i've heard it before but she says who the hobo i mean nobody says hobo no so i always remember a hobo and she says who the hobo the hobo is like kind of a charming character like they go they travel by train

They eat beans out of a can. Like, not, not, we'll work for food on the, or we'll work for meth on the side of the freeway. Yeah, anyway. So I actually got out and surveyed. I talked to that guy. I didn't survey him. We just asked some questions. I said, hey, man, can I ask you some questions?

Yeah. He goes, he goes, what's this about, bro? I'm doing, I'm in the middle of something here. He's, hold the side. You know, I'm at my job, bro. What are you doing? So I gave him, like, 20 bucks. I said, hey, listen, man.

I just started asking him questions. Like, I'm like, you know, how long have you been homeless? You know, do you think you'll be gainfully employed anytime soon? Do you have any felonies? Do you have any, you know, so I just started asking him questions, see if he was even a viable subject. And he was. Like, you know, he wasn't on probation. He didn't have a criminal record.

He'd been arrested a few times and done 20 days or 10 days or 30 days in jail. He's like, but they're always misdemeanors. And it's always for something like urinating in public or something like that is like. Being homeless. Right. And they're not ever placed on probation because he says, we're not going to show up for fucking probation. They just keep us in jail for 10 days and give you time served. I'm like, okay.

So anyway, I talked to him and I asked him if he had a driver's license. I kind of assumed he'd have like a DUI or something. He said, nah, it's just expired. I don't drive. Yeah. And I was like, okay. So I started thinking, okay, perfect. So that's when I made the surveys and started going out and surveying homeless guys.

Dude, that's crazy. That's so much. deeper and more complicated than I thought when I first saw the viral thing, you know? Oh, listen, I, look, I mean, I, not only did they got driver's licenses in these guys' names, because here's what I would do is I would go online. First, I'd run a criminal background check. Yeah. I'd order a, I'd order their birth certificates.

I'd order their, a copy of their social security card. I would order, I would order a copy of their, of their high school transfer. And these are all certified copies, by the way. Right. So I'm ordering a certified copy. I'd register to vote in their name. And then I'd just go into the local DMV. And this is, as long as they didn't have a driver's license in that state, sometimes

I'd have to go a state over. Okay. Because I don't want their photo to show up. Right. So I would go in and once I got all these documents, I'd go in, I'd say, I just moved to the area, you know, a few months ago, and I lost my license. And they go, okay. Where have you had a license?

And I'd say, oh, I've had a license in South Carolina. And they'd go, okay, and we're in North Carolina. And that's all they need to. And sometimes I'd even order a copy of their transcripts. Some of these guys. From high school? Like, from school? From high school, but also from their driver's license.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. So, like, I know where they're driving record. So I could go in. So I know what's going to come up. You know, so I'd walk in there. And look, sometimes they'd owe $600 or $500.

So I'd have to pay that off. Are people still doing this? Like, is this something they can even shut down? No, you couldn't shut this down. No. I get driver. How old are you? 45.

I don't know if I could pass for, I could probably pass for 45. I think you could. I drink a lot, so, I mean, I look pretty weathered. Well, then we'd be perfect. Once I get the driver's license, I would then apply for a passport. and I get a passport in their name. Oh my God. This is blowing my mind

just because it's like it's always seemed like identity is so important. Like everyone's very protective of their identity and everyone is tracked when they do anything. But now you're telling me that you're just like kind of willy-nilly spawning a new identity on a basically an inexhaustible resource, which is the homeless.

You know, there's always new homeless. Yeah, listen, I have been, into Greece, Italy, Croatia, Bermuda, Jamaica, and Mexico using fake passports. Was just for fun? Or that was because you didn't want to get caught by the FBI? No, bro, I'm traveling. I'm just, I've got money. At this point, I got money.

So, listen, while I was on the run, I sold like $3.5 million. I stole? Defrauded, whatever you went out. Right. Right, by doing with a new endeavor or with new stuff? No, no, it's the same thing. I'm just buying houses, satisfying the loans, and refinancing the houses. I'd buy a house for $250,000, borrow five or six mortgages on it,

allow out a million dollars and then take off. Does that shut down, or they still allow that? No, no, you can still do this. You could still do that. Wow. Listen, I work for a company right now. I'm a spokesman for a company right now that, protects people from having their home stolen from doing exactly what I did from having their

home stolen that's what they call it they call it a title theft right title theft okay but you know I mean you still you can't steal your house I mean you steal the title to your house your house is still there so you so you're you're traveling the world and you're also doing fraud and you're you're making like three million dollars you got to be traveling like large are you well I mean it's not a yeah it's not a full-time job I mean you know you have to do something right? Like we're doing rock climbing and, and I'm still, and I'm still, keep in mind, I'm still flipping houses. I'm still buying old houses and fixing them up. So you're doing normal stuff too? Yeah, just stuff I like to do. Like, you know, if you had nothing to do, people think,

oh, I travel, my, that gets old. Yeah. You got to do something. Like, I'm, I'm kind of a busy body. Like, I'm always kind of doing something, right? Like, I'm painting murals or I'm, or I'm writing books or I'm rehabbing houses. Like, I'm doing something. Now, when you get, when you're in jail and you're in your prison and you're getting the Freedom of Information Act requests, are they tracking you during this time? Does the FBI know where you are during this time? Are they tracking you overseas? No. No, they have no idea where I am. They don't know until it takes about three years before they, before one day they get a tip. Wow. Okay. From the chick I was dating at the time Oh, okay. I confided in a friend of hers and she turned me in. Oh, wow.

Wow. Why? Yeah. Just for a reward, they gave it like 10 grand. Oh. That's brutal. That's right. He did the right thing. Yeah, yeah, right.

You know, I ended up, I went to prison. And then, yeah, while I was in prison, that's when. So I'll tell you the kinds of things that I, like, found out. Wait, did they, did they, how did they arrest you? Did they kick your door down? Was it sudden? Or did they, you know? No, I had had like a robbery at my house.

Okay. And the police, and I had it on video. And so the police called me up and said, hey, we'd like to send somebody over to your house to get the video. Are you there? And I said, could you meet us there? I said, no problem. Of course, the Secret Service was there. So I show up and I get out of my car and next thing I know, all these Suburbanes pull up,

locking up their brakes and these guys jump out, screaming, get on the ground, get on the ground. And I was number one on the Secret Service. Keep mind on number one on the Secret Service's most wanted list. I'm on the FBI's most wanted list. I'm on the U.S. Marshall's most wanted list. And at this point, they're probably... Dude, and you're just rock climbing. Like, I'm on the number one on the most water list,

and I'm rock climbing in Greece and flipping houses. Yeah. And I'm... What else? 40... Let's see. There had been about 40 articles on me. I had been in a Fortune magazine.

I'd been in Bloomberg business week had done two articles. Yeah. So there's all these, you know, like this was like a big deal. And Dateline was about to come out with a one hour special on me. Sure. It's a big time. So I, they lock up and keep in mind to it on the run. Like I've had plastic surgery.

I had a, I had a nose job. I had my teeth done. I had a mini facelift. I had liposuction. Did I say no shop? To look different or because you wanted like new teeth? Like is it all? No, but I mean,

well I mean everybody needs improvement and then I had two hair transplants yeah but I don't know if you could see me like I have a great head of hair for being 50 something years old I'm 56 years old yeah you do man you look great so did you ever think of going in blackface as a disguise no no I did not never once occurred to me but I will make sure to mention that next time I said you know I stopped just shy at black. Yeah. I didn't know if I could pull it off though. So then you could talk, you know, get a whole boy, get a whole character going, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, I think the moment you got me naked, you realize, oh, he's a white guy. So, um, were they, were they pissed at you? Was the Secret Service? Like, were they throwing you around? Because they've been looking you, they've been

looking for you for some time now, right? No, no. The Super Service was very professional. Yeah. They were very professional. The most unprofessional. people I dealt with were the, uh, probably the FBI. Oh, okay. Yeah, they, they were more like street cops, you know, more thuggish. Yeah. But the Secret Service was very professional. Okay.

So what, what, anyway, I go to prison, you know, I'm guilty. I plead guilty and keep my, by the time I plead guilty, like, it's, it's late, I'm sentenced, it's, it's late 2007. And people always say the 2008 financial crisis. Well, that's when TARP was passed. Yeah. But in 2007 is really when it started. Yeah, I remember.

So by the time I'm in front of a judge, every newspaper for the last six months has been nothing about mortgage fraud. You mean, has been only mortgage fraud or not? What? When you get there has been, you mean, they've been talking about mortgage fraud all the time? I'm saying by the time I'm in front of the judge at the end of 2007. Yeah. For the last six months in the newspaper, they've been covering mortgage fraud, the mortgage meltdown.

So they hate you. They're like, you're- Right, they hate me. Oh, wow. Yeah. Anyway, I get sentenced. I mean, ultimately, I end up doing like 13 years. But I end up going to prison, right? So I was sentenced to much more than I was sentenced to 26 years.

Oh, my God. And you sold bank money. Right? Did you steal people's money too exactly? Or was it all bank money? No, it was all bank money. Well, no, that's not true. So some of the people that I, if I, like the guy, remember I told you, I rented his house. Yeah. Like he hired an attorney to fix what I did and it cost him $6,000. Okay. Yeah. So if you add up all of my victims, it's four victims and the total of what I owe all of them is roughly $30,000.

So, you know, and so you have to look at, here's the thing. It's like one of these guys is a CPA. He owns a CPA firm. One of them is a lender. He's a private, a hard money lender. One was a doctor. Who's the other guy? That's not good.

That's a little bad. That's a little bad guy. The other guy's like a lawyer. So we're talking about, you know, I'm not brokenhearted. So what ultimately I so anyway, I go to prison and that's when I went to prison, that's when I started doing the Freedom of Information Act. Yeah. And the kind of things I was finding out was I'll give you an example. When I was on the run, I'd stolen a guy's identity.

His name was Gary Sullivan. And I borrowed one, I bought a couple houses in his name and I borrowed $1.3 million in his name. and I deposited that money into multiple bank accounts, and I was pulling the money. I probably had whatever, eight or ten bank accounts, and I'm pulling that money out in cash. Well, one day I get,

I'm in there trying to get out like nothing, like $4,000. Like, I'm just at the counter. Yeah. And keep on, I have an ID in his name in South Carolina. Like, I have an ID. I have social security card.

I have multiple credit cards, everything. So two deputies walk up behind me and grab me and put me in handcuffs. and they take me into a room and they sit me down and they say we were told to hold you until an investigator gets here and I'm like, well, what's this about? They're like, well, Mr. Sullivan, we don't really know.

So I'm like, oh, they're calling me Mr. Sullivan. There's a good sign. So I'm like, okay. And they're like, yeah, we don't really know. We were just told to detain you until the investigator gets there. So the investigator shows up. And he says, yeah, listen, you know, there was a bank in that area. That was South Carolina.

It was a Wachovia. I don't know if you ever. Yeah, Wachovia. Okay. So they were like, yeah, Wachovia says, so the guy walks in, he says, Wachovia says that you're running like a scam or something. You borrowed three mortgages on a piece of property. And I remember, I looked at him and I go, is that illegal?

And he goes, and the cop goes, you know, I don't know. And I remember thinking right then, I'm walking out of here. I'm walking out of here. Watch this. So he gets the head of Wachovia's fraud department on the phone. And by the way, I had six mortgages on that property. Not three. So I know they only know three.

I wasn't aware you couldn't do that. Yeah. And that's exactly what I say. I sit there and I go, listen, I came to Wachovia, I got a mortgage. The mortgage broker here said she could get me a second mortgage. That mortgage broker said she could get me a heat. lock, home equity line of credit. I'm borrowing this money because I need to borrow about half a million dollars because I'm flipping several pieces of property. And the cop is like, oh, that's right,

you own another piece of property. Yeah, makes sense. He had pulled up the property and he knew I owned another property. So he's like, yeah, that's right. You just bought it another property. Right, we're putting out on a roof, an addition and a pool. I said, I'm about to close on another one. I go, so I don't know what's going on here. So I don't know what these guys are telling you. I said, but what I did was perfectly the guy said, they have a problem. I think they have a problem the bank. It sounds to me like maybe the bank, maybe their employees did something fraudulent or something, but I didn't. Dude, where do you dip, like, where do you, what is, where do you dip down to come up with

this bullshit on the spot like this? You know, like what you, I mean, you say, is it just denial? Like, you say on your side, I'm a con man. Like, where do you, how? How do you do it? Teach us how to, you're, you're, I don't know. What's the secret? I mean, it just came to, because that makes sense, right? Like, it kind of like, I didn't, I didn't. do anything and then you want to dip so you're one you're you're not assuming responsibility i certainly didn't do and then it's like hey maybe they did it like who else could it's either right it's on that this is on them yeah okay and i end up saying listen what makes more sense that i that some loan officers you know did something to make a a a loan fee or something

a commission or some guy that works for a labor company and I had a business card on me, boom, labor on demand, had my name, site manager, everything. I said, or that I, the guy who worked for a labor company. Yeah. Convinced three banks to lend him half a million dollars. Like, come on, bro, I wouldn't know how to do this if I tried. And the guy is literally telling the guy from Wakovia, and he's not on speaker. He's on regular phone.

He's like, yeah, I don't think that this guy, I don't think he has anything to do with it. I think you have a problem at the bank. Yeah. And they're screaming. These guys screaming at him. That's not true. And here's where he's really fucked up. He really fucks up when he says, am I allowed to cuss?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry. He really messed up when he says, the Wakobia guy goes, look at his ID. Now keep in mind, I have a real ID issued by the state of South Carolina in the name Gary Sullivan. He says, look at his ID. It's a fake ID. It starts with zero, zero, zero.

This guy's from California. The fuck does he know what an ID looks like in South Carolina? Cops just love being told how to do their job, too. They fucking love it. And here's what the cop says. He goes, no, no, this is Gary Sullivan. He said, our IDs do start with zero, zero, zero. I ran, plus I ran him through NCIC.

It's him. and and I look at, I lean over to the cop and I go, oh, now I'm not Gary Sullivan. I go, what are we doing? This fucking guy. California, am I right? Oh, listen, the cop, because the cop is like, he's like, I know Gary. I know. I know.

So he ends up hanging up with the guy. He tells the guy from Wakobia, look, we don't have a formal complaint. I need to talk to our district attorney. We don't really need to know what to charge this guy with. You haven't actually formally made a complaint yet. Let me talk to the district journey. I'll get back with you. Hangs up the phone and says,

Gary, I'm going to need you to follow me back to the police station. He lets me drive my car back to the police station, fill out a police report, and leave the police station. Oh, man. I went to two more. Wait,

are you watching, like, when movies, like, catch me if you can come out? Did that come out while you were doing all this stuff? Are you watching that movie and going like, this idiot, this is how he got caught, or this is, I'm never going to get caught like this. Like, were you thinking after you have a run in like that? Are you like, all right, I got to figure out how to stop doing this or anything like that?

Or you just, fuck it. I'm in until the end. No, I mean, I'm wrong. I'm wanted by, I'm wanted. I mean, I'm, I'm, what am I going to do? I don't know. Like, leave the country and like set up permanently and somewhere? I don't know.

Did they never cross your mind? Look, like, like, what? Go to go to, if I show up with a couple million dollars in, in Mexico, like, Like the cops will take it from you. That's true. You didn't even worry about the criminals. Yeah, that's true. It's not like, like, and keep mind, where can I really go?

Ultimately, I was planning on going to Australia because Australia at the time, if you showed up to Australia with like $100,000 at a business plan, they would allow you to become what's called a permanent resident alien. And you were allowed to open a business, but not work or vote. Okay. But you could open property. I mean, you could own property. So I kind of thought, hey, I could show up there with two or three million. And the other thing, what was great was, unless you were applying for citizenship, they didn't require a background check through Australia. If you're a permanent resident alien, you showed up with your police report.

Yeah. No fingerprint card. So all I had to do was bring them a printout of a police. I'm sorry, of my criminal record. Dude, you just, you know so much. It's crazy. Listening to you, listening to you detail,

like all these, all these, um, exploits. Yeah, loopholes. Right. It's really wild.

Well, I was thinking, hey, like I could go to Australia and become a, and keep mind too, I'm not going as Matt Cox. I have a passport in the name of a guy named, I think his name was Walter Holcomb.

So I would be going there as Walter Holcomb, with Walter Holcomb's criminal record, which was nothings. It was some misdemeanial. Yeah. For like being intoxicated in public. Like it was nothing. And they were, they would, and I keep mind, you have to call.

Like, we called like the, the Australian embassy. We called all these places to find out. So that's, towards the end, I'm pulling out money because I know dateline is coming out. Okay. So we know date line's about to come out. So I figure, fuck it. I'll go to Australia. And so I'm pulling out money.

We're going to go to Australia. And that's when I get caught and go to prison. Ah, okay. But wait. wait a second here's where i was going to tell you is your girlfriend stay with you and you go to prison see oh no no no i think i got a letter oh that's nice so um here here's what i was going to mention was remember i told you i got caught in south carolina but they let me go yeah i i then was in north carolina because i was living in charlotte at a time you know i'm bouncing around right

Like I go from Atlanta to South Carolina to Charlotte, South Carolina to Nashville. Well, when I'm still in Charlotte, so I go straight to Charlotte, but I know they're going to track me back there. I was actually in a Starbucks getting a coffee, and I see two people from my apartment complex. Okay. And team mind, I'm about to leave town. I'm leaving town. Wow. So I'm just getting a coffee for the road.

And they start Have this frantic conversation where one of them leaves the The Starbucks And I wait and I get my coffee And he gets his coffee first and stands there And then I get my coffee. He's got like a tray of coffees. He follows me out.

I get in my car. I put my coffee down. I start the car. I put on my seatbelt. I'm looking through the, this is back when they had the CDs or DVDs. Yeah. Yeah, CDs.

So I'm kind of flipping through the CDs trying to find a good, you know, something really lists. Like I'm not in a hurry. This guy's standing there staring at me on the sidewalk. And I'm thinking, you know what I was thinking about it was? I hadn't paid my rent yet because I knew I was leaving. So I'm not going to pay a couple thousand dollars in rent when I'm leaving.

So this is like the fourth. So I'm thinking, did they just put like a late notice on my door? Like, why is this guy? And so all of a sudden, I'm basically ready to go, right? I'm leaving. I'm about to get on the road and just start and head towards Nashville. all of a sudden this guy starts screaming. He's right here, he's right here.

And I look in the rear view mirror. There's two people running towards the back of my car. And I, in like suits, right? And I just punch it. So at that time, I remember thinking that's got to be like the FBI or the Secret Service. Yeah. And what's your plan with the punch it?

Are you going to drive to Mexico? Like, what is your, are you going to Grand Theft Auto? I drove, I'll be honest with you. When I punched it, I drove about half a mile to a mile down the road to a homeless shelter, saw three white guys in the parking lot, and I pulled over and surveyed them. You're going to make a new identity. Of course, I got it to get new. I know they're looking for the car.

They were just chasing the car. They got the plate. They were just at my apartment complex. So I know they followed from where I was at the police station. Somehow or another, they tracked back. The car I was driving was a car that was registered in North Carolina, and the address was where I was living. So that's why I was leaving town. Yeah.

I just didn't know they were going to get there that quick. Yeah. Okay. This is only a few days. This is maybe five days later, six days late. Well, maybe four or five days later. So I take off. That's why I take off.

I'm still going to, but I got to hit the homeless shelter. I got to go recharge and get a new identity. Get a new identity. Got to get me some new identities. I survey three guys. I get their identities. I go to Nashville. I immediately, I'm in Nashville for, I'll bet you, I was completely reestablished

in Nashville. within, I want to say, four days, five days. Oh, wow, okay. Like, this is how quickly. New Social Security, new driver's license, everything. Everything. Okay. So, well, so what I did was I got to, I stayed one night in a hotel.

I then drove and got an apartment the next day in the name of, hold on, Joseph Carter, Jr. I mean, your memory is like. like insane too the way that you remember all these fake IDs that you were getting i mean it's a it's like a big deal to you but it's still it's incredible your recollection is just amazing i usually have i do happen for this i mean in this case i yeah i happen have a good i typically feel like i have a horrible a memory but yeah so joseph carter i got i rent an apartment i then drive my car back to nashville well keep mind as soon as i get the where as soon as i get the apartment i order these guys um certificates and I pay, usually you could pay to get it expedited.

So I like pay to get it expedited. Dude, I want to get some homeless people's identities. I just want to go do this now. I know you're not supposed to, but I just want to try it, you know? And not do anything with it, but I want to try it. Well, so by the time I get back, by the time I drop the car back off in Nashville, I'm sorry, back in Charlotte and get back to Nashville, within a day or so, everything's arriving around five days.

let's say six days. I then take those documents. I go straight to the DMV and I get a driver's license. Okay. I now have an apartment with electric water, furniture,

um, a table and, um, uh, and a new driver's license. And the same day I get the driver's license, I go and get a new vehicle. With no credit,

by the way, because at that time, nations, uh, was it nations or car max, one of those two. I don't know which one, what it was,

but one of those, I don't even know, if they're both around anymore. But the point is, is I went into there and they had a program. They're like, well, if you've been on your job for more than two years, which a year-to-date pays them, and then I also, of course, I have my bank statements, and then I can prove that I've been paying my rent. So I walk in and they said, if you put down, you can have no credit, but if you put down 20% will finance you. And somebody has to verify that you're employed. Of course, they call my employment 20 minutes later, and I answer the phone and verify my employment. And then boom, the loan goes.

through and I drive out of there in like a it was a pathfinder I think it was a pathfinder no wait was an exterra I think it was a Nissan Xtera and then do you go get more plastic surgery now like do you dye your hair or any of the stuff that you see in movies you change sunglasses what do you do no I didn't I didn't really do anything I just because that no nobody knows I'm in Nashville right they didn't find the car in Nashville they found the car in Charlotte and long term parking so my I'm a band I'm buying cars and when I leave I typically would leave it at the police station. Just drive the fucking vehicle and leave it at a police station.

Why? You know, huh? Why at the police station? Why there? I figure they'll either find it right away or they won't be looking for it there at all. So I, you know, so they're not going to, they don't find anything in Nashville. They don't know I'm in Nashville for another year and a half until, um, until this chick calls, uh, the secret service and gets me, has me arrested. But here's the thing.

When I was locked up and I started researching my book. I end up getting the Freedom of Information Act, and I get the document about when they almost caught me in the sub-office. Yeah. When I ordered this stuff from the FBI, nothing. Ordered this stuff from the Secret Service, nothing. I ordered this stuff from the U.S. Marshals. It was two U.S. Marshals almost caught me in Nashville.

That's who it was chasing me. So here's what happened. Two U.S. Marshals had just interviewed the people from, my apartment complex, they went across the street to get coffee, saw me, and the woman comes running back in and she goes, he's right across the street at the Starbucks. They then run over the Starbucks. I'm already in my vehicle and I take off and I leave him standing in the street. Wow. So here's another thing I found out when I was doing the Freedom of Information Act, which, you know,

these are things you're finding out that I didn't even know. Yeah. So my name is Matthew Cox. I have a degree in fine arts from USF. I'm an artist. Amazing. Right. Okay. So here's what's interesting. When I was on the run, I went to New Orleans on vacation with the chick I'm with, right? We stayed there a week.

We stayed on Royal Street, which is right next. It's Bourbon Street. I mean, it's right downtown. I mean, it's right there in the French Quarter. Yeah. So we're, you know, a nice hotel. We're staying there. And no big deal.

Uneventful. We stay for a week. We see some ghost tours. We go on the tours. We take the trolley. We do all the bullshit you're supposed to do. We drive back to Charlotte, which I think we were staying at the time. I later find out that the U.S.

Sorry, the, okay, the U.S. marshals knew that there was a Matthew Cox in New Orleans and they fly for, I think it was from like Baton Rouge. They have two guys, two marshals from Baton Rouge, go to New Orleans to check out this. guy Matthew Cox. There is an artist by the name of Matthew Cox, which was having, he was having a showing, a gallery showing on Bourbon Street at a gallery at a at a at a gallery on Burbin Street at the same time I was there. They go there, they show the owner of the establishment my photo and he says no, he says, I've known Matt Cox for 10 years. That's not the same person. but we were both there at the same time. Like those are things like, I didn't know that,

but it was like, wow, all right, what a coincidence. That would be creepy, man, going through all these reports, like, of tracking you for years and piecing together their side of it. Well, you know, it's funny is when you're talking to, now when I'm talking to my buddies or something, or I'm talking to some, I'm in prison. Yeah.

And I'm talking to somebody on the phone. He's like, yeah, bro, like, you know, it's funny, like, they never even talk to me. Nobody even came by. And I'm thinking, well, I mean, I have 14 pages of an interview that you did. I don't say that. So they're telling you that they never talked to the FBI, but you have a freedom of information of an interview they did.

Oh, man. And I have people like, oh, I would say something. Why am I going to say something, bro? Why would I say something? You know what I mean? I mean, they're probably afraid that you're going to somehow get a new body and get out of prison and come like take their life for something. This is no, listen, listen, these guys like I, to this day, I've gone and I've had, I've had dinner with with guys that I knew, you know, the guy that started the task force that led to them arresting me. Yeah.

His name's Travis. I probably text them every other month. I've gone. I've had dinner with him twice. He lives probably five miles from me. Oh, this was like one of my best friends growing up. Do other prisoners do the freedom of information thing to get like their surveillance and stuff to you?

Because that's got to be so interesting for... I mean, keep in mind, most of these guys get the prison. They're playing handball. Yeah. They're playing softball. Like they're not, they're not, these are not intellectual people. They're not curious. I'm a very curious person.

They're not necessarily curious. Yeah. It's funny, I'm probably more curious than I am. knowledgeable. Like, I don't have to know every single thing about something to have my curiosity satisfied. But, for example, but I was researching, you know, my book and I wanted to make sure that everything was accurate, as accurate as I could be. Like, I don't remember the name of certain people, but you're hoping that you're going to get these documents. They're going to say the name of the person. And so, okay, great, I'd love to know the name of the officer that

came and questioned me. Yeah. You know, so it's, it's good for the, and it's good for like the dates. You're like, oh, I think it was April 2nd. You know, you don't remember, but if you get the reports, you know exactly when it was. I was shocked how many times I was just off. But while I was writing my book, I ended up meeting Ephraim Devereoli, and I wrote his book. And then I ended up writing a guy, another guy in there, his name was Doug Dodd.

and I wrote a book about him, and I got him in Rolling Stone magazine, and we ended up optioning Doug's life rights. What did Doug Dodd? What did he do? Oh, you know, it was, they were five clean-cut white kids that were on the wrestling team that were doctor shopping in Florida.

Okay. And so three of them, or four of them, got college scholarships. and they, yeah, four of them got college scholarships in different places, and Dodd didn't. He stayed in Florida and continued the operation, and he shipped pills to them. Oh, okay. Right. So it ended up being this.

So it was, you know, and there's all kinds of close calls and all these little things. And eventually they get caught and they all end up going to prison. And I've met, I've spoken with all of them. I've met four of them in person and spoke, but spoken with all five. And I, of course, I interviewed them and I wrote the book and we got them in Rolling Stone and we ended up optioning the, it never got made into a movie. It was optioned like three different times. I think it's been around now. But after that, I interviewed, I've interviewed multiple people. I've interviewed a lot of people like you probably know. There was a guy named Marcus Schrenker who in the middle of during the financial crisis, he was being investigated. And the Indiana security. agency rated his office. So the police raided his office, and he was a financial wealth manager, and he knew he was about to be indicted, right? So he's a pilot also. So he basically ran like a Ponzi. He stole several million dollars from a bunch of clients. So, and it's been, they've rated

his office. He's about to go down. So he takes his plane up, and he is flying his plane, and he calls in and says that he's hit turbulence. And he's like, my windshield is cracking. My windshield's cracking. Ah, it's imploded. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. And then he, that he touched the mic.

Fake plane crash? Yeah. No, he's in the air, though. Oh, okay. And then he jumped out of the plane with a parachute. Okay. Did that work? Well, the plane was supposed to go out over the Gulf.

Yeah. What he didn't realize that when he opened up the back door. Yeah. There was so much drag on the plane. The autopilot couldn't regain altitude so it burned off all of its fuel and it lands

a few miles shy of the Gulf. And so it ends up. And here's the thing. Remember he said that the windshield spider cracked and imploded? Yeah. So it went into a wooded area, ripped off the wings, the tail

that just shredded it. The one thing that was in perfect condition was the windshield. shield. So immediately they know, I think this guy might have faked his own death. Your guy's aptitude for like scamming under pressure is so impressed. It's just crazy. Like I know what I got to do. I got to fake my death in an airplane. That'll that'll fix this. Yeah, it was, listen, pretty good. It was pretty good up to the last minute. He gets caught like three, four days later at a K-O-A campground and he ends up going to prison.

That's where I met him. I wrote his story. I wrote, I've written just a, a, ton of guys. Really great stories. Like a lot of true crime stories. It sounds like it, man. I didn't know that Wardogs had a book attached to it. I love that movie. Wait a minute.

Devereoli has a memoir. There's another book for Wardogs. Oh, there is? Okay. Keep in mind. That book, they did not make the movie based on the book. That's what Devereoli sued Warner Brothers saying that's what they did. Right.

Okay. I'd rather read, you know, your version. Yeah, my version is a lot more. pick up on, you know? So what else? Yeah, so when I got out of prison, towards the end of my prison sentence, I was,

oh wow, we're over an hour. Dude, yeah, this is, I mean, it's up to you. I don't want to take up your whole day. No, no, I didn't know if you had a cutoff. No, I have a six-month-old in the other room, so I'm going to try to stay in this basement as long as possible.

Okay. Well, no restraints at all. Well, I can wrap it up kind of sure. So when I'm, towards the end, when I'm, you know, I'd written, I started writing synopsies of stories, like probably wrote like close to 24 of them. So I started like maybe 20, there may be 20 pages long instead of writing a whole book. I've written about seven true crime books. And what I decided was towards the end of my sentence, guys started telling me like when you get out, you got to start a true crime channel. Oh, yeah. True crime podcast.

And I didn't know what a podcast was because podcast didn't start. The word wasn't invented until 2009. Yeah. So YouTube had been out the year before I got arrested. I'd never been on YouTube. So I didn't, you know, there was no iTunes and all that. Like, I don't know why they didn't know what any of that was. So these guys are trying, these are new guys coming in trying to explain what a podcast is.

And I'm like, okay, it's like a radio show. Well, no, kind of, kind of, but it's taped. It's, you know, no, it, you know, and so when I get out of prison, I end up, I ended up had a friend that kind of got me in contact with a guy named Danny Jones, who has a podcast in Florida, in St. Petersburg, which is right next to Tampa. And I got on the phone with him and talked to him, and he was like, you know, he answered all my questions, like, how does you, how do you do a podcast? and so I end up going on his podcast right out of the halfway house.

So, excuse me, so right out of the halfway house, probably within a month or two, I do his show. And it did really well, right? Like it got like two over to the- Yeah, this is fascinating, man.

I mean, people love true crime, but this is like the way you talk about, I mean, just the visual of you running from the marshals and your first instinct is to find homeless and steal their identity is just so, I don't know, it's so funny because homeless are just everywhere.

Like now I'm never going to look at homeless the same now. Well, you have to, you have to think I was looking for homeless guys that were in their early to mid-30s and that were white. Even better. Like the details make it so much funnier. Well, it's more challenging. So it's not like I'm running, they're not everywhere. Trust me, if you're looking for that specific demographic, it's like, fuck, I've been out here an hour.

What's going on? That guy's 50 years old. White Homer said. Yeah. But then you find one. And it's so funny because I'd be interviewing. Jackpot. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd be like, oh, this guy's perfect. He's perfect. Listen, some of these guys, I remember this one, that guy, Gary Sullivan, he had like 20,000 in medical collections I paid off. Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm fixing their credit. I'll get their license better.

They can reintegrate into society. They just don't know. When, you don't want them to. You don't want them pulling like car loans in another state, right? Well, here's the thing. One of the questions I asked, which was always kind of sad, was I would, one of the questions I'd ask is I'd say, what are the chance, you know, do you believe that you'll be gainfully employed in the next 24 months or 12 months? And they would say, listen, I never had one guy say yes. One of them, I listen, I remember this one guy looked around to where his campsite was, like in the woods, because he told me he lived in the woods.

He looked over the woods and then he kind of looked around and he goes, no, this is it for me. And I remember thinking, oh, that's so sad. But you don't have a criminal record. You are about my age. You're about my height. You know what I'm thinking? Yeah. Yeah, you're perfect.

Like, you know, God forbid, I hope you, I hope things work out for you. here's 20 bucks, talk to you later, and then I leave and then, you know. It's like when Indiana Jones is like sizing somebody up to knock them out and take their uniform, you know, to blend in or James Bond. It's like that. Like you're interviewing them and you're pretending to be a social worker. And, but you're just like, fucking straight up criminal.

That's so funny. Did it did, so I imagine you're in prison and you're telling these stories to people. Are they going to, did you know? anybody who's going to get out and try it? Like, it just seems like, I don't know, it seems like it's asking for it, you know? They're not going to tell me that the people might have tried it. I mean, nobody's, you know, they're not going to tell me they're going to try it. Right, yeah. I mean, I don't know. I always think like, oh, they're asking too many questions about it or something, like anything like, anything like that. Like me, I'm asking too many questions

about it. Well, you know, it's funny is how many people I've interviewed that have done similar or things like that. Like, I met a girl who, I interviewed a woman who had done what's called the tax scam. Okay. And they actually called her the queen of the tax scam.

And do you know what the tax scam is? No. I mean, taxes. That's, I assume are the tax scam, but no. Right. So it's when you go and you file. So what people don't realize is that if I get somebody's social security number

who hasn't filed taxes, and I say that they're a W-2ed employee and they made $85,000 last, year they paid in 17,000 to taxes and the IRS owes me a rebate or a tax refund of $6,000 or $8,000 and I filed taxes for that person. They've never worked at Walmart, by the way. The IRS automatically pays you. Oh, the IRS pays you because you said you paid them? If I take, if I take, let's say I steal somebody's identity who hasn't filed taxes in years. Okay. Yeah. and I file for them.

Oh, okay. So I fill out the paperwork as John Doe. Yeah. And I say, look, and by the way, I work for Walmart for $85,000. I paid $17,000 in taxes. And you owe me a refund of $8,000. I need to put it on this prepaid debit card. Wow.

And the IRS, because they ask where do you want us to send the money? Yeah. So five days later, they automatically send you the money. Now, six months later, they might say, hey, wait a minute, Walmart's never heard of you. Yeah. But it's too late. It's too late. I got the money.

And I've been throwing away the card. So I met a woman who used to go out and give homeless people like a hundred bucks to get their information. Then she filed taxes and their names. Oh, my God. How much like, I mean, I don't know. You see like Elon Musk saying that there's the amount of fraud that's getting spent in taxes is like over a trillion dollars. Do you think that's true? Oh, I'm sure it's true.

You're sure it's true? I'm sure it's true. Like what about the Somali stuff? Is that like? Oh, I'm sure it's true. Listen, this is not hard to do. Yeah. And if you have a community of people working together, they'll decimate the government.

They'll take every single dime. I mean, you've got, if you got, one of the biggest things is trying to do everything by yourself. When you've got multiple people with multiple businesses ready to sign off and verify things, you've got people that work at banks, you've got people that, like, you got people, like, that whole community is nothing but, but Somalis. And if even a fraction of them are working in unison to defraud the government, come on, it's over. It's over. We need people like you in charge, honestly, who are like looking at these systems where they can and will be defrauded instead of people who are just like, well, you know, we gave it our best shot. If you send in a form, someone will look at it in six months. You know, the problem is, is that you could basically stop fraud.

The problem is you'd all, by doing that, you'd also stop normal people from being able to get those loans too. And that's really kind of where it breaks down. You have to have a balance of like we could put up a lot of, you know, a lot of defenses, right? But if we put them up so that it's so difficult, then tons of legitimate people that should have gotten those loans, they're not going to be able to get those loans. Yeah. You know, so it's a tradeoff, right? Like, you're always going to have scammers out there. We got too many of those now.

We're going in the wrong direction right now. I think we need to. I want to hear some actual complaints before we can, you know, start loosening the guardrails a little bit. I got so much more I want to ask you about prison. Maybe call back again sometime and we can talk about like all these people you've done, you've written their stories. Like it's just endlessly fascinating. This is a really, that was a really fantastic story. Thank you so much for calling in and talking about it.

No problem. Listen, I got tons of prison stories that are. layers too but I mean what did you say 13 years you're in prison yeah 13 years I'm just shy of 13 I just round God damn man um and that was you're cured there was no there you're straight no I'm all better now I do YouTube you're all better now was there like a year when you in prison you're like okay I'm cured now I'm like I'm not doing that again I mean honestly when I was getting out like I was like what are you going to do it's like I'm gonna get out I'm a bust my ass for about a year and if if in a year for

now, I'm riding the bus and I can barely pay my bills. I'm going to commit a massive, massive fraud and leave the United States because that's where I fucked up. But luckily, it didn't come to that. That's awesome. Okay, what's your book? I want to go buy it right away. And what's your YouTube channel? I mean, give us all the details, please. Yeah, I was just saying my my book is Shark in the House. housing pool. Okay. It's Matthew Cox, Shark in the Housing, but I don't think that anyway, Elsa has Shark in the Housing Pool. Um, and then, um, you know, my YouTube channel is, it's Matthew Cox inside true crime. Okay. Matthew Cox. And I'd say within a month from now, we're, we're about a month

away from being at a million subscribers on YouTube. That's awesome, man. Congratulations. Yeah, it's, it's, we really kind of, we're really kind of in the algorithm at this point. Yeah. Um, people love true crime. You're right in the middle of it. When are you releasing this? I'll probably release it today. I'll put it up. Oh, because listen to this. We just released a video of a chick that was doing credit card fraud, $20 million in credit card fraud.

Jesus. And we released it today. Like, I mean, you do you do YouTube? No, I got kicked off for making fun of fat women. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I hate that. Yeah.

That's right, because I know I, I, something. came across my uh on instagram about uh fat chicks on instagram i almost sent you the reel but i thought you know we're not that close we're that i mean i'll always take fat chick stuff man i mean we're that close send it over i thought no no i don't know if i should send that to it um but uh yeah um yeah anyway this video it's this uh this chick that was doing credit card fraud and if you hear the way she was doing credit card fraud it's it's over like it's I mean, it's very simple. Like, you can't believe it.

You're like, that can't work. Listen, she did. I forget what she did, nine years or something. Like, she did a ton of, like, she did, it was 20 million in fraud. It was great story. Anyway, you might want to check that out. She might be good to have on. I would, I would love to talk to her.

A guy, a guy called in maybe a year ago, get this scam that he was running. He would pretend to be, he would pretend to be a little boy online. and then when pedophiles would meet up with him, he would threaten to kick their ass and take them to an ATM to withdraw the max and then just keep the money. Very low, low tech, you know, not very sophisticated scam. No. He was very proud of himself when he called in.

See, I'd interview him. If he could talk about that for over an hour. I think he was in jail right now. It eventually backfired on him. Yeah. I forget how. Oh, that's Okay.

Are we? Yeah, we're done. Thank you, man. Thanks a lot. Yeah. Have a great day. All right. Thanks.

Thank you. See you. Dude. I got to up my game. I'm spent. That was. That was incredible. That was fucking awesome, dude.

I got to find me some homeless, man. Yeah, I'm so spent. I need to go find a couple guys that look exactly like it. Also, She's driving around in a panic Looking for white homeless guys Trying to get away from the cops Where's a white homeless?

I need a fucking right there, bingo Man, living by the old Just a reminder to all y'all out there Don't trust Whitey If someone looks kind of like you And starts asking you If you'll be gainful When you hear the words gainfully employed

You know goddamn well Just turn and run Oh fuck I was gonna ask him about I mean, he had a fine art background. It's like, so you're... That's his art. That's the next scam, obviously. Like, there is no...

Fine art is more scam than art. All you do is make a gradient on a canvas and sell it to a hotel and magically you're fucking... He's like, he's building entire towns of doing scams when the art is right there. Like... I want to know who, like, bought one of his houses that just had, like, the lawn trimmed and like the just the front of the house... Fuckin me! I have no sewer. I'm one of the suckers that bought one of his houses

Matthew Cox That guy's awesome If I don't I'm gonna get out and try to go straight And if I can't go straight I'm gonna do a massive crime He has that same Like matter of factness

And like carefree demeanor as like the PI guy from Nathan for you Yeah He's like what? You want me to find you? Like he's like When he's like gangster, come on And it's like, no, I, like, I don't know anyone who's got the fucking stones to go to the bank. It's like, what if I just give you your money back and you don't call the FBI?

Yeah, you call the FBI. You're not getting your money back. I'm ashamed. That's gangster shit, dude. I'm ashamed every time I've got to go to the bank teller for something and she sees my account info. I'm like, oh, come on. That's called a threat. Yeah.

And I'm supposed to just be like, call the FB. Or, you know, just don't call them. Just take my money back. Man, man, oh man. You imagine you're sitting there Great financial Meltdown Oh what do they get you know

Doing mortgage fraud I just stole from some banks They'll probably give me a couple years You know and then the Then the entire housing market crashes And everyone's like These motherfuckers It's literally him

He should go on Caleb Hammer No Yeah he should So I got Of 600 houses By the way I've got 60 identities to go along with them They're like what the

How the fuck do you upgrade from tiny ass crimes to huge ass crimes fudging a W2 of seen worse that I'm like god damn yeah I'm trying to think of what his big scam like if his year didn't work out

what was he going to do like I don't know probably the same shit they always do the same stuff right he like somehow buys the White House out from under like the property for the white like just like how could you possibly go bigger than that's fucking crazy

I did a what was it the certificate I thought he was just ripping off homeless you know dude when I saw that shit I was like oh yeah that's funny get credit cards the homeless and run it up more than funny he's like

the greatest fucking comedian ever like holy shit you're doing fucking big ass crimes I'm like fuck wow yeah I mean just all this little shit that's like

man. That's a big fucking cry. That's like you gotta have stones for that one. Yeah. Telling the opposite

what? I'm not Gary. So you believe this asshole? Fucking crazy. Man. What is this fucking cock sucker now?

See, I was all proud of myself for like getting into like all the pool hotels or the hotel pools and shit with like that right.

You know like oh I'm the fucking AC repair guy. Whatever. You know, go swimming. for free for the afternoon, all that kind of shit. Yeah, that's a real scam. Real, you know.

That was like first month in L.A. type shit. I'm like, yeah, I'm really going to strike it big. This guy fucking could have owned half of L.A. Maddox had his parking passes. Did he ever talk about those? I feel like. Maddox had a kit like Doc Brown from Back to the Future with the money.

Except it was a parking pass making kit where he would make fraudulent parking passes, probably his greatest bit. It's the easiest thing to do. And he was so proud of it that he could whip one up at any moment. Of course, it took him longer to whip one up. Then it was worth the like 250s.

Yeah, then it was worth walking. I spent three grand on this parking pass machine. Nate DeBard says, Love the show, getting ads every 10 minutes on Rumble, even on the mobile player. How can a service be that shitty? I don't know. Humanity, I nearly barfed up the six beers

and steak I had for dinner watching that last brain rot clip. Powder, what a horrible day to have eyes. Thanks, Johnny. Gwimbley. I've heard Stranger Things is a great way to end that scene instead of the gay weepiness. No, I've heard Stranger Things.

Francher Things. Fond attractor. I'm a video. TV settings are totally fucked and complicated for no good reason. Generally speaking, they exist for the sake of a marketing edge to trick stupid people into thinking one TV is better in the other.

About one in ten new features are legitimate improvements. As an engineer, it would make your blood boil to hear the details. Yeah, I... They haven't really added anything to TVs, except for the built-in Netflix thing. I guess that's the only good apps.

I like the TV apps. Just give me my fucking Apple TV. I don't want smart shit anywhere. Devon Brown, my wife has HS. Not as bad as those behemoths, though. Oh, that's like armpit scabs. Yeah. It's real and it sucks. Being fat as hell makes it way worse.

Dick, I realized, too, you asked me last time how much it would cost to lick one? Yeah. How much would it cost to fuck one, though? Less. I think I would fuck one more easily than I would eat one of those armpits Skebs. This guy's wife has it. Jesus. Well, right in, Mr. Guy. Would you rather

fuck it? Would you rather lick it or fuck it? The armpit stuff? And if so, what's your price point? Shoehorn are plenty. I've never seen toad stools grow under an armpit. Like, a lot of armpit made me eating my wapper very difficult. But I couldn't let the brain rot win. That's a true soldier in the comments right there.

Mr. Banks says initial D fucking sucks. Watch Redline if you want a racing anime. I don't want to... Racing or any anime. He's right in the first half. Chris Prado says there's most definitely Christian-based dance music.

House music in the 90s had a ton of Christian stuff. Daph punk would put at least one sermon into each of their mixes. Yeah, I remember that now. Yeah. A lot of like gospel kind of house crossover shit. There was...

I found some remix a long time. go of a Jack Van Imp lecture sermon and it was fucking awesome and I could never find who made it

I could never find any more of it but I was like man this is fucking awesome I want Farrakhan remix that would be cool give me like a Farrakhan jungle remix

with a bunch of like Jamaican dub sirens and shit in the background yeah Cameron Em says Sean was still on best debate when you got sued. I remember in an old dick show episode. Sean said he talked to

oh yeah. Were we talking about that on the bonus episode? Yeah. Sean said he talked to Maddox and you kept egging him for details but Sean wouldn't say he just we talked about him I told him it wasn't right. Yeah I don't I don't remember. Um, I don't know how much longer he was on the show after that though. I'm very interested to see if Sean's opinion of the matter seeps into his zings at Maddox. I'm sure it'll be but I'm too sane to watch the best debate on my own. Yes. That's why we will be watching more of it together. Yes. On the next bonus episode.

Fave for the show, great quote from a Swedish woman at 121. Two months ago, we were at Minneapolis's Somali neighborhood and visited the largest open-air Somali mall in the country. On every floor, there were multiple Somali businesses that allowed residents to send money back to Somalia. New reporting... Oh, okay, so they just have... You can send money back?

Let's see. Let's see, and then we'll do some voicemails. I see cow dung cakes in those notes. You see that? Oh, man. Here, look at this shit. Poutered, Indian powdered cow shit. Look.

That's this for sale in Australia. An Indian specialty shop in Auckland sells two liters of fresh cow urine for 250 bucks. Use for medical disinfectant quote. That's how they're selling it. Cow done cakes for 220 a kilogram. Suitable for worship festivals. You bring cow shit to the cow shit festival. And powdered cow shit for your baby.

This guy brought cow piss to a cow shit festival. What an asshole. Look at this. Good baby. Made in village babies. What the fuck? It's like the first. The first time.

Less Ovalteen, please. Ma'atu, Thiru, clatu, get Desi cow dung, powdered cow shit for your baby. Good baby. That's the brand name.

Good baby. Yeah, for all you dried peanut butter powder fans. Country cow, country cow, Vibuti. This is like simple ricks, cow shit. Is this real?

Let's see. I'm gonna be fucking sick. Well, you know how, like, when you open, like, the nest quick, there's always a little bit of, like... Puff. Yeah, the puff. Tog. Getting anthrax blasted with cow shit every time you open the fucking... Country cow vibouti.

I don't know. Let's see if it's real. You're fucking kidding me, bro. Sacred... It's sacred ash made from the dung. So... Sacred ash, bro. So it's burning...

Burned cow shit. Yeah. On Amazon. 35. that. There you go. A big heaping pile of sacred cow

shit. Burned up for your baby. Made by village babies. What the fuck out of here? Babies wrong, too. B-A-B. Did they have an apostrophe? Why ass? No.

Oh, yeah. Village. B-A-B-B-Y. Babies. Village babbies. Flaming cow shit. Good babby made by village babbies. So this implies the like

What do you do for a living? Like I work at the cowshit burning factory. Is it separate from the cow shit factory? Do we get a delivery of cow shit in the morning? It is. Good baby Desi cow dung babuthi is her traditional Hindi ritual item made from cow shit.

It's believed to have spiritual and purifying properties by retarded people by retarded Indians. It's often used in religious ceremony. and rituals for blessings and protections by disgusting, retarded idiots. 100% pure, natural, non-scented na'u ma'atu-ma-atu-thru-inu. There you go.

It's holy ash used in Hindu religious festival worship. The ash is basically the residue of Indian cow dung, desic cow that is burned in traditional methods in sacred fire. Bad day to mistake your powdered toothpaste for that. So I guess we're all buying burned cow shit and trying to swap it in each other's drinks now. Is that what we're doing? Hey, I'm not spiking your drink with dried, burnt cow shit. Where would I even get burned cow shit?

Yeah. Really, you think I'm going to be able to get burned cow shit? This guy. What do you think they sell it in jars on Amazon? You think I have a jar at home of burned cow shit? and I'm just carrying around a Ziploc baggie waiting for you to leave your drink alone or something. Like it's a tang container or something?

This is what I'm going to send when people say, oh, it's the same as going to Venezuela's the same as going to Afghanistan. Do they have burned cow shit? I'm going to say take a two handful of it and smack it against your face. Wonderful.

All right. Oh yeah, this guy's video. Fave. Got a quote from a Swedish woman. How Somalis in Minnesota funds Somalia. Yeah? Is it working? Oh no, it's this. Never mind. Sorry, hold on. Boop, bo, bo, bo. It's quite large. In fact, World Bank data shows that 17.5% of Somalia's GDP consists of remittances. A remittances is a transfer of money, usually by a migrant worker to their family or friends in their home country. 40,000 Minnesotans were born in Somalia, so many are...

still in close touch with their families back home. We continue to walk around the Carmel Mall when, as if we weren't out of place enough already, a cop came to escort us to building management. R-O-C-A news. All right, so we were just pulled aside by security. Now we're okay, though, to film inside. So one interesting thing is when a store is unoccupied, people won't necessarily lock it. We've seen a lot of unattended to stores. It's clearly like a high trust community here, and we are the Only two white guys and all four floors. Probably a front. I moved from Sweden five years ago.

What brought me? I came here because there was already Somali community established. So I say, okay, let me go there so that I can start my business. The community are like huge supporters for each other. The white Americans around, are they friendly? Are they not? I know none of them. When I was coming to America for the first time, I was carrying a Swedish passport.

And I was black and hijabi, you know? And the officers in the immigration, they were like, hmm, they brought me. We're expecting a Viking. That's what America stands for. Like, everybody's segregated in their own community. White people are with white people. Somali people are with Somali people. That's what America is.

You come here, you start your own community, and you stay with their community. That's what America is. White people are with white people? Somalis with the Somalis. Why the fuck are you here then? Why would we want you here then? You know where a really big Somali community is? Where's that?

Fucking Somalia. Oh, Somalia. That's the biggest community of all. They had a great way to get them to take their people back. What you do is you find who's in charge and you black bag them. And then you keep doing that until the person in charge says yes. Send them back. Funny how that works.

It's really cheap. It's really cheap. We got a lot of great strapping young men who are just itching to get in there and shoot anybody, you know? At this point, yeah. Take them to a military base, preferably. Un-fucking real. That's America, man. You got Somalis living with Somalis. White people live with white people. It's great. I figured I would just go there.

Why the fuck are you here then? Uh, you're... You're half right. Somehow their money all gets mixed together though. Right. I don't know how that happens. Uh, uh, uh, yeah. Okay. Um, should we do voicemails? Do a quick fat watch. Maybe quick fat watch.

Maybe a quick fat watch. Let's do it. I'm going to get out of here. Fat watch today in fat news. This is from Vinny. You know it's going to be good. It's a fat wrestler. Did you know that they exist?

Oh no, this is another one from Vinny. Let's see what this is. It's a fat woman getting on a little tiny coin-operated merry-go-round in front of a Ralph's or a blockbuster video or something. Oh, my God. Look at the side. She's bigger than the whole Mary go around. This is a death trap now. A road trip to Texas.

Oh no, it's gonna tip! Oh wow. Now the fat woman is caught in the mayor. is caught in the merry-go-round her legs caught she almost tipped it over oh my god little girl barely escaped

with her life unbelievable god damn and here's the fat female wrestler let's see what got Dowdrop is her name it's do drop

do drop do-gong DoDrop? Do you see the eye roll there? I just say a two. What does that mean? Doot Drop! Like a doog?

Oh my God. That she is. It's like Bam Bam Bigelow. She looks like Amy Schumer. Do you have like a skinny Amy Schumer. Yeah, like a skinny Amy Schumer. changes, she was berated, she was insulted, she was made it feel less than by even rape, and she, and, you jobs want to be thankful for that?

And, Corey, it changes or could you don't. How does a fat woman get involved in wrestling? Because usually they're, like, skinny. Audience slipped, I think. Fitness models. You have to put a cupcake on the line. Lure them in? Yeah.

Yeah, come on in. Beat this skinny bitch and we'll feed you a whole cake. It's a cafe match. The winner gets, they have to complete the buffet. In the buffet? In the buffet. And then they fight and the fat woman gets up and she's like putting the beans on. You know, they're trying to, they have to actually do the buffet.

The salad, you know, they have to go through the salad bar and then get the guy to make him an omelet. And then while they lay the other one out, just like a cage, like the king of the cage, you know, when they get to the top, this is the queen of the buffet, the buffet buster. You just fucking reminded me at this time I went to a soup plantation? Yeah. God rest that It's in a soup plantation What a name for a restaurant Fucking soup plantate

I'll never forget Seeing this fucking fat bitch With a whole plate You always start off with a salad Right She took like eight hard boiled egg halves Pile of cheese Shredded cheese like this tall

And fucking drown the whole shit in ranch and I kept every time I'd walk up to get like another piece of something I could see it getting lower and lower and I was like that's what she's starting with like that place was nasty people were doing nasty stuff in a suit plantation yeah like going there and fucking I have very not fond memories of it as a kid but I don't know why I was just like

I'm glad you have experienced it but it's like one step either above or below a sizzler somehow Yeah, it's below It's below I think it's below Because Sizzler At least they make the lines

Wide enough for the customers And there's like there's like a waiter At Sioux Plantation It's just like a kind of a proctor It's a plantation yeah Yeah there's just like Someone rides around on a horse And makes sure you're not taking too much

Make sure that's looking better than just Bigger than your stomach over there Which is hard Which is saying something Yeah That would And they're like overly nice to black people because they don't want to, you know, they don't want to get called racist. Right over here, sir.

Whipping all the white fucking chefs in the back? That says. There's too much ice cream for you. Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! You ought to have some clam chowder. It's like a living history zoo plantation. Yeah.

That would be fucking crazy. I'd go to that. Spray them down with a hose come in. That's kind of anachronistic. What isn't these? says. All right. One more.

Shut up Chugga. Oh. Liam says. Oh, come on. What the hell is this? Is this a retarded person? The struggles of having a baddy alternative girlfriend? This is the price you have to pay for having a bad alternative girlfriend.

Who don't fuck wants to be at the gym? Ah! Oh, God. This is major quirk chungis. Humongous. Man, you know what they say? If they call them leggings, why you've been tucking your stomach in there, too. It's stomachings.

Stomikings. Stumbik. You got a little stomach on your leggings there, bitch. Her tit rolls are the same as her stomach rolls. They're like identicals. And is her gut rolls. It's got three loaves here. Three loaves of gut.

Asian, fat Asian chick. looking like Big Hero 6 or whatever that fucking Beta Max What was his name? Bay Max, that white fucking robot Fucking Bay Max

Is that his name? Yeah Bay Max You Big Hero 6 Bay Max? Bay Max Bay Max Yeah this fucking guy

Idiot I'm fucking I see no difference 7 p.m. What? We're going to Lucky because I had the hottest baddest girl ever. So lucky for real.

Yes. We're locking in before the New Year even starts. Bitch, you're not even doing the easiest exercise in the whole gym. Sit down and do and make your legs straight. Easiest goddamn exercise there is. Just going to the gym just to flap her gums. What kind of car do you think she drives? White Tesla.

Goes, er. Do you think it's like permanently tilted to the side? Active suspension management is always proper. We could replace the shocks, but, you know, there's other parts. Damn, lady, this one side only. Bitch, what have you been eating in here? Probably got some Grand Panda, or Panda Express cups. She's just Panda.

She's just Panda. Panda is slow. Baby. My body girlfriend is right there staring at me. God. You saw me tweak my back in real time. That was painful. It's pumped.

What did that say? Something about getting pumped? I'm going to be fucking sick. Yeah, there you go. That's about right. That's the sound I would make, too, if I had to look at myself looking like that. What a tough workout. Shut the fuck up, Kung Fu Panda.

Tell me that shit. Dude, I got it. go, I got to get a fucking homeless person's ID. I got to do it. Is that this week's challenge? We have to see who can come back with the most. Well, actually, I bought half a downtown. Yeah, you know the building with all the graffiti on it?

Yeah, I got the first 20 floors. Hey, Dick. I'm pretty sure I bought this in before, but my rage is self-checkout chunks. Chumps, people that... Uh, never bites. That's a cool voicemail. That's harder than it seems. Hey, Dick, I got a rage for you.

All right. People who park on the curve of a curve. Yeah. You know where they like it curves, sort of, you know, the street can turn. And people decide to park on the fucking curve. So when I make a fucking turn, I can't see shit and have to take a super wide fucking turn.

And if somebody's coming the other, you fucking car. Did you make a car? You can't throw a slur in there That's a DQ DQ but you're Had you not been DQed Valid point It's too many fire lanes

Everything's red now It's too many fire lanes And it's too many People who don't know how to fucking park People that leave like a quarter A half a car length Oh man Just like

Fuck on Fuckers. Hey, Dick. Hey, Johnny. I got some, it's a pretty bad news. Yeah, I was, I was in Spain, visiting my sister recently. And we're sitting at, you know, just a regular restaurant. And then all of a sudden, you know, well, you know, a bunch of these Spanish chicks walked in, obviously, Spain.

And then, but I noticed a few things. One, they were all wearing pink cowboy hats. I said, whoa. Then all of a sudden, the sashes come out. Bride to be. Yeah. It's a fucking bachelorette party. And boy, let me tell you, was it in an American bachelorette party?

Not American in the sense of, you know, speaking English. They were full Spanish. I mean American in the, you know, waste department. So. Spanish women are fat now? Oh, no. start yapping and yapping away in Spanish as loud as any, you know, that's terrible.

Spain was always, you know, one of the last holdouts. You know, the American bachelor's party has found its way into a whole other country. Yeah, it's just when women get that fat, they start acting the same way. It's not even American. It's just their weight. You know, go fuck yourselves and all that. That's too bad. That's too bad.

So how come These fucking cartoons Keep getting extended into adulthood Shit, like what the Why is there an adult adventure time now? Great question What the fuck is this shit It's about like the fucking

Characters like wanting the fucking Bone and shit like What is this crap? It's taken over by lesbians That's why Why do adults need the literal Baby comic The baby shit

What I remember from that show is the main character saying Yeah, that's not cool, yo? Like that. And now it's like, they're trying to hump? What the fuck? It's fucking, it's disgusting. And I'm retarded for even fucking calling this in.

It's totally disgusting. Fiona and cake. No one gives a shit. Get that shit out of here. It's anything you have. Anything guys make. It's cool. Fucking,

fucking women come in. Fucking screw it up. It's all up, man. Fucking chungising it up. That was the OG Chungus. Man. We got to put some shit about feelings and adolescence in here. Okay, that's what it was already about.

It was all about adolescence as a boy. Now it's about adolescence as a lesbian. This sucks. It's just so like, it's the same reason why, hey, multiverse shit because it's always lazy. Yeah. It's like when you're like a kid on the playground

and you're like, well, I have a helicopter. that can shoot lasers. It's like, yeah, well, I have a force field that reverses it, and if you shoot

helicopter laser beams at it, it's going to blow your shit times a million. It's going to bounce it back. And then, yeah. And it's like, oh, it just turns into Dragon Ball Z

every time of like the escalation of like what, and it's just like, why doesn't everyone just fucking stop? Like, I don't care. I don't want to see the Ice King get fixed.

I want to see him doing bad stuff. Tom Candy's good in every role he does. Why does he got to be a good guy this one? Like fuck. I don't give a fuck about Princess bubble gum. I want lemon grab. That's cool.

I want to see lemon grab the shit out of your lemons. Having a fight. Yeah. Finn. I don't want to see all this lesbian shit with a cat. I don't want a cat in this show. Cats are stupid. Get all that shit out of here, man.

Make your own show. Just make your own fucking show. No adventure at all. Gay time. Adventure gay. Adventure gay. Gay adventure with Fiona and cake. It's just gay gay

Gay gay I'd be like cool fucking stupid I want to see Finn fighting his dad Martin that's cool you know what I was an asshole

what Chinese Caesar in fallout today I'm gonna get to that episode Oh Hiro I like that to me if he's like that like just over the top

like fucking Welcome to Lohm he's eating spaghetti with chopsticks like that would be come on there's a lot of potential every now and then your listeners will comment something that makes me confirm

that they have never seen a woman or touch a woman or anything like that listen guys you don't want a gamer girlfriend okay like I don't know why the fuck guys want girls to be exactly like them okay my girlfriend is a gamer girlfriend all right guys when she is playing League of Legends

she fucking ignores me all right dude when I need information from her I'm at the supermarket and I'm fucking call her and God forbid nah you're not dating a girl playing League of Legends that's not happening

you're dating a male that's a man baby bullshit in League of Legends she fucking hits me with the AI call you later message okay dude okay that's fucking cool when I'm saying

hey which version of this Sosky one I'm getting fucking Bitch, don't you fucking AI? And playing League of fucking legends, man. Shut the fuck up. Fucking punch a woman for once.

And then get back to us, okay? And don't just sit here and go, I would do this. They would do, do that. They're so fat. They're so fat. You're probably fucking fat, too, retard.

That's okay, though. No, they're right about that. But they're not right about playing video games. Dog, you got to be sending her to the store. Play some league of fucking get all my goddamn groceries. fuck? You gotta put a parent's lock on that shit

mm-hmm let her just play whenever yeah what fuck out of here make her time up yeah

time's up put parental lock on the TV they can't fix that he's like bitch you like sky rim so much go fishing then go sky rim my asshole

fuck out of the house bitch all right I'm done I'm done fucking home I gotta find a new homeless. Yeah, you're not playing video games today.

You're fucking interviewing homeless people for me. Fuck that. Oh, God. He's stealing tons of money. Then he gets out, gets a YouTube. Fucking printing money then again. We fucked up. 13 years, though.

That's a long time. I think he'd out of Donnie'll be great. Oh, yeah. He'll be a grown-up. Oh, God. I don't want to stand up. I know it's bad. Because I've got to switch arms.

It's a baby. You can't. Your body doesn't like that. All right, goodbye. Duh. See you next Tuesday.