The Dick Show - Episode 495 - Dick on Emergency Ribs

Episode Date: January 25, 2026

ICE vs. Communists, a Black woman brings ribs to the emergency room, things stuck up butts and other gay walks, synchronized suicide pods, Andrew Tate abuses his son, a news girl and a chair engineer, the UK makes banter illegal, H1B police, women vs. crime and punishment, and bananas and rice; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

I stopped caring. I used to have like existential dread and depression and regret and anger and bargaining, you know, all these, all the state, all the 20, 27 stages of death. There's like jacking off. That's a stage that I return to many times. Jacking off. Blame. Well, the jacking off restarts all 27 steps, right? Yeah.

There's a lot more than five stages of death Many many many yelling at your wife drinking That's a stage Oh shit that I'm like terminal Oh oh But then I just kind of stopped I just like whatever man fuck it Who fucking cares? You gotta write your book

It's gonna get worse The art of not giving a fuck now That's you The art of not giving a fuck That sounds like a Scott Adams book man That sounds like me asking for cancer if I were to do that ass cancer ass cancer dude

can you believe that guy went out like such a pussy he should he should have just I mean you touched on it but if like it's like hey man you already got I'd have a list of bankers yeah I got fucking fucking cancer man I don't give a fuck

I'd have a lot more choice words to leave behind than that shabby thing not a not of the suicide note would not be like you know formatted and edited for grammar and smugness. Mine would just say, if you're reading this, it's too late.

It would be written on legal pad. A yellow legal pad. Yeah. A. Let me just cut to the chase here. You all know what happened. You all know what I did. No Pascal's wagering shit.

God, that's... Fucking white people. Fucking white people, man. That's what happens when you don't have natural enemies. No natural predators. to worry about. When you're the apex predator. Right.

That's why white people go skydiving and kiss dogs on the mouth. I like this. I like du rag Johnny. He's got a lot of wisdom. I'm actually Johnny's evil cousin, Johnny. Jay Man? I'm John Treese, the audio engineer.

I'm sorry, John what? John Treese. I'm John Jeet Singh, actually. It's such a relief that all the audio I was working after 20 hours of pulling my hair out and uninstalling apps and getting the same advice from every chat, Jeep. Dude, I was trying to fix the audio for this shit.

Like the clock wasn't sinking and the ADAT wasn't sinking. Of course, it's like, the last time I fixed it was so long ago that I forget how it's supposed to be set up. This time I wrote it in pen on the table. I love that. And I fucking wrote the wrong thing. Oh! And I had to cross it out.

And I write, not ADDET, Spittif. Not ADAT. We'll just cover it with a sticker or something. I need to put a sticker on that one. So in 10 years, I have to figure it out again. We'll be peeling up all the stickers trying to figure out where the magic code is. Fuck! I got a goo-gong on this shit to figure out how the audio is supposed to be set up.

Spittif. I hate light pipe with a passion. Oh, light pipe is the optical cable. Yeah, well, because they're like... Well, the solution. was for everybody, the optical cable was not connected. It was, I mean, it was in the hole, but, you know.

And because just enough light was trickling through, it was like, yeah, we recognized the device. I didn't think that was possible. I thought it's either light or no light. That's what I fucking thought, too. I guess I mis-underestimated the technology, you know? Just a tiny bit. Just enough light sometimes. It's all in it.

Yeah, and then it could be all degraded. I was like, this does not conform to my understanding of digital fidelity, signal. No, and... I thought it's just there or it's not. I didn't know it could be all... I didn't know you could make an analog light, uh, fiber optic signal, so it's all garbled up and

fucked. I did a studio install one time and everything was tested and working great. And then we coiled up the optical cable a little too tight behind the computer rack. Yeah. And everything desynced and we're like, what the fuck? It's just... Yeah. If you tie it too tight,

then the light doesn't work. But then if you go like a little bit further... You use in that bum light. You're using that cheap-ass Chinese life They can't get Fucking Chinese You tweak it too much And it'll crack God

And it goes Oh I'm like We're supposed to have our internet Run through this shit Like fuck that Oh man I was ready to

I was ready to lose it I was melting down I was trying to keep it together Last time I was here I was really trying to Clean the place up Which is going to be great Because we got a news girl

We're already rambling It's already Awesome That's how you know it's gonna be a good episode Why did I start talking about this? Six million ways to die, I choose one. It works now. Oh, yeah, good.

I was spending so much time on Chad GPT trying to figure out these settings because, like, I got to start over, start fresh, unplug everything. And I'm like, all right, chat chit, I'm not doing searching around and cruising through gear sluts and forums and shit anymore. Just summarize it for me?

Just summarize it for me, right? Like, how do I set up? And it's like, using ChatchipT for me, for more than, like more than a couple times really has a really negative effect on my brain because of the obsequiousness and the servility of the things like, you're not, every time it starts to say, it's like, you're not crazy.

And I was like, I didn't think I was crazy. I'm asking for a, for like a documentation summary. Hey, whoa, don't fly off the handle because you're not crazy here, okay? You're, you're, it's not nuts what you're thinking. You don't wanna suck a bunch of cocks. like, where is this coming from? It's like Dane Cook, GPT.

Dude, it really is. It's such, it's such like, it's such, um, condescending, patronizing, retarded, brain scrambling bullshit. People you said, they're going to get fucked up. You tell people that they're not crazy, they're going to start acting crazy. If women are using this as their therapist, they're going to get way more ins-you-think, you think they're insane now? Wait till you see how fat and crazy women are going to be on 20 years of the chat GPT.

They're going to be fucking bonkers. How does it look? Looks great. They're going to be fucking crazy. You think they're crazy now? Wait till you see how crazy they are with 10 years of Dr. Gupta feeding them lies. Ah yeah! Welcome to Dick.

You want Dick, you love to dig. Got it! It's the show where everything's a contest. It's coming in the line for Mount Bunker Deep in the Hunter City Failure. I'm your host, Dick. And joining me is Johnny the audio engineer. Shee. What's up, Dick?

How are you doing, man? What's up, man? You know, I had totally stopped fantasizing about what I would do if I got cancer because of the kid, and I guess my life just, I don't know, got better. Maybe you just stopped thinking about that stuff when you're, maybe you start thinking about how you're going to rampage after, like, 40. He should have just made a one panel comic of Dilbert just finally saying Burting down the thorough reserve

Just like one hard R just one speech bubble Just a hard R in there One panel comic And Chuck and deuses Like the end of office space right When Milton burns down the whole thing That should have been one last panel of Dilbert And I killed him all hell yes I killed them all you know

All these new syndications yeah just fuck all of this Fuck it But he pussed out He went to Pascal's wagerie way fucking Scott Adams Spirn in hell Pedro Pascal's Wager Pedro Pascal's Wager

He got anxiety and started Having to fuck God Let me grab Is there a woman around here I could molest What a cool guy Pedro Pascal's Wager Man He's like you think I could get away with this

That's Pedro Pascal's Wage I grab any woman I want And then on my death bed I say I got away with it Actually I don't have anxiety eye just like grabbing hot gash and then dying yeah Pedro Pascal's wager that's gonna be oh man I had a fucking horrible week um the peak of it was waiting around in the ER because I stabbed myself with um with a pole with a piece of Chinese scaffolding oh shit and I'm I come back from

the hearing doctor, which was a waste of time. Basically, he called me a pussy. He's just like, walk it off. Walk it off. He's like, if you, if this today was your first time in here, I'd call you a pussy and tell you to walk it off. It's like, okay. But it's my millionth time. Do I write here? Who do I write the check? It makes me think I could be a pretty effective doctor too, then, if that's all it takes. Just go to India and grab some credentials. You know? Pedro Pascal Singh's wager. And then I get back from the drive across town, a three-hour drive across town to get told I'm a pussy, sit down and start to do a chore and immediately stab myself through the hand with a piece of metal scaffolding. And I said, well, I'm going to the hospital.

My wife's like, what's going on? And I go in there and there's blood spraying. I'm just like, oh, my God. She was making me a sandwich because I was so hungry. I just got home from one doctor. And she's like, I'm like wrapping my finger, right? So it stops bleeding. Like, all right, I got to go to the hospital.

I mean, she goes, you want to go to the emergency room? And I said, do you want to go to urgent care? And I said, they'll just send me in the hospital. Trust me. One step ahead of the game at this point. I know what you're thinking is correct that you could just go there. But I know that they'll just make me go to the hospital.

Yeah, they're going to go, wow, that's pretty fucked up. You've got to go to the hospital. So she goes, well, do you want me to make you your sandwich for the road? Tommy, I said, hold that thought. When I get back, I'm going to yell at you for that, because I got those hands just blood pouring everywhere, right? I want to get there right now. I don't know about you, but I don't want to wait around.

I know you make a fast sandwich and all, but I got to get over there. Hold that thought. I got to go. Or else I'm going to be here for longer than I'm going to bleed out, telling you why that's a stupid idea. So I drive over to the emergency room I've wasted. I'd probably spent, I don't know, $100,000. Enough for my son's college tuition.

Say, oh, this is going to hurt. Amazing. I go in there, check in and stuff. And a black woman comes in with a... The emergency rooms are... That's a good. A great equalizer. Yeah.

There's always some fat... At least in L.A., because there's so many illegal Mexicans, there's a, there's a big fat white woman wrapped like a couch in mauslin looking like a Humpty Dumpty the mummy. Like with just her giant head sticking out,

she's wrapped up all in white linen. Like she's dead. Like a dead, like a big, like a fat vampire. Right? Not moving. And I'm just, I'm staring at her like, what the fuck is your deal? And then there's a bunch of like construction guys

all with various, nails through their shit, exactly like me. Yeah. Right? Nail through a thing. Like, oh yeah, you got one in your head, yeah. And then there's this fucking black woman there eating ribs. She brings in a... She brings in a bag and sits down and I say, oh great, there goes the neighborhood. And there's like this smell of ribs suddenly in the ER. Start eating your hand.

Which is the last place I want to have a delicious rib smell. Because you can smell the death and decay. And like, you don't know what it in the antiseptic. I don't know where the aniseptic ends and where the necrosis begins. Right. I don't like it. It's a hospital smell. I don't want a fucking delicious rib smell wafting in and mixing up with the, you know?

It's like you're eating a delicious meal. And every once in why you're like, oh, is that pussy? What the hell is that in this steak? Get that out of here. What cut is this? What cut of meat is this? Surf and turf? Get that shit out of here.

I found a little too much surf in my turf. Your honor? Jefferson? At least mow the lawn next time. So, is this on? Is this thing on? Whatever. We're on.

We're on. And I said, I know this dumb bitch didn't bring ribs into the ER. And they call me back there and like, all right, your hand's fucked. We're going to clean it out and do some shit later. I'm like, okay. He said, go out and back in the waiting room.

I said, do I have to? Can I go? in like the... Not next to Mick Rib over here. Isn't there like a non-Oabomacare waiting room I could go in? Can I just sit here? Do I have to go back in fucking ObamaCare land?

Can I go in like the I pay for health insurance lounge? So you have like a lounge like the airport, how they have like a lounge for the rich people? I mean, I'm kind of a rich person here. I didn't ride a bus to get here. Isn't there I didn't ride a bus to the ER waiting room that I could be in?

No offense to you, because I'm sure you're not, like, classist and racist, but I am. I don't want to go back out there with those people. I don't want to go back out there with the ribs, because I'm starving, because I didn't get my sandwich to go. So I go back out, and sure's fucking shit, this stupid bitch is eating ribs with her hands in the ER, laughing. Because, you know, you can't, they got to have attention. She has a speakerphone? I know, but then that's what I thought

I was like, at least she's not on speakerphone and this fucking idiot right in front of me pops out his speakerphone talking to guess who whom, the Department of Corrections trying to see if his brother is still in prison.

Cool. And they say, when's his birthday? And he goes, he has the same birthday as me. And I wanted to go, hello, idiot! That doesn't help them.

Put the ribs down. Slap! I almost winning into the bathroom and just tied a bandana around my head so I could come out and go say the goddamn birthday you shithead Paco give me a fucking ice shield so I can

come in here and start busting ass on these people by the way what's got to be the all-time greatest backfire you're a let me make sure we're going yeah we're going it's working great and this work too

presenting that worked well how fan I know, I'm so paranoid about everything, too. This is good. Fucking. A very wonderful gentleman's going to call in and talk about his Somali fraud investigation. Awesome. What's the greatest blunder?

The greatest blue balls, the rampage, the opposite of a rampage. Rampage is when you get a terminal disease so you go kill everybody. A man page. Fucking woman page. bringing a handgun to an ice protest in case you get into an altercation with ostensibly so that if the feds fuck around you can kill them.

What's the point of bringing a handgun to a federal ice protest to an incursion in the activities of federal police officers? It's so that if you get into a contest with the feds, you fucking kill them. them. That's the only point of bringing a gun to an ice protest. So what's the last thing you want to happen? You get killed by ice. No one is pointing out the Wiley Coyote level of funny it is

to bring a pistol that's known for shooting itself. That's right. The Sig Sauer, P, whatever it is, 320, I don't know why I know this randomly. I knew there was one. I saw that. I said, wait a minute, I know there's one sig. For a minute for five misfires. Yeah, I know there's one sig that's like renowned for shooting itself because I've seen, because I was stuck like watch it because the baby sleeps on you and then you're stuck for an hour and there's nothing to do but like cruise Reddit one-handed. I'm like, well, jokes on the baby.

I got a lot of experience cruising the internet one-handed. If you know what I'm talking about, right? I can finally put these skills to use. I've been training my whole life for this. I've been training my whole life to scroll the internet one-hand. handed you dumb baby yeah stupid look at this I'm using my fucking pointy finger I got it perched on my wrist and I'm typing full burping in with one hand you know that burping shit's a myth too what a I knew it I knew it my wife was fucking I hear the

burping the other room I'm like Jesus Christ what are you doing in here playing a fuck is Woody Harrelson in here or Matthew McConaughey in here playing the Bongos? I fucked it up too when I said it to her. She's like, I don't get it. She's like, this here's a good slapping dog. No, she's hitting the burping the baby. Like, what are you doing? It's too hard. It's like, no, you gotta get the bubbles.

You know, you gotta get. I said, I don't think that's, I don't think so. So I'm watching, I'm watching it happen. I'm like, I don't think that's, I don't think that's right. That looks stupid. I'm gonna come. You know, I'm not always, I did stab myself with a

with a photography light box, but I know, and if I saw myself doing it, I would say that's stupid, and I would be right. So I'm looking at what you're doing, and I'm saying, I don't think that's right. Because you got to burp it, so I said, nah, I'm not burping him. And I looked it up.

It's not a bag of pruno. It's not a bag of pruneo. Yeah, you got a burp a bag of, yeah. Johnny thrice, what was your name? John Treese. John. Is that one word? Yes.

And then my last name is, the audio. and Janice, also all one word. John Treats. The newspaper's gonna love that. Yeah, I looked it up. Sure enough. Nah, that burping shit's not real. Man, I'm so sick of all these fucking old wives tales and shit.

Doesn't work. In fact, it makes throwing up worse. He said, I fucking knew it. I knew that shit. It makes sense. I was on the internet. Oh yeah, that's how I knew that gun. always shoots itself off.

And it looks like that dummy. It looks like he was... I don't know if this is right, but it seems... It looks like he showed up and then ice was pepper-spraying a fat woman. So he tried to intervene and say, hey, you get your damn hands off of her.

And then they tackled him, pulled his gun away, and then either the fed... Either the gun went off as the Fed was carrying it away. So the feds go, he's got that. He's shooting.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ha. I was so happy all day yesterday. Because my whole life, all I've ever wanted, all I've ever wanted really is for liberal agitators and protesters to get in gunfights with federal agents in the street of every major city. And I don't think that's a lot to ask. Like, I've been good all year, but that's been on my Santa's Christmas list for 45 years.

as Santa, if you could just put liberal agitators and they've gone by many names over the years, but they're the same. If you could just get liberal agitators and federal officers to get in a gunfight with whatever, you know,

give them a, give them the battlefield nuke. I don't, automatic weapons, whatever you got, just to the death. Thunderdome, no man leaves. I want Ferguson too. Yeah, man, I want, give them water, hoses. I want Fortnite, but

retarded liberals drop a bus on somebody. Retarded liberal child rapists and their defenders on one side and federal officers on the other side. It's win-win. It's win-win for the country. It's one win for man, one giant win for mankind.

Every one of these deaths. Well, you get all these violent liberals who are like, but we got to shoot people and blah blah and it's like... Do it. Why are you putting yourself on the line like that if you're not expecting the worst to happen? Comrade, get out there. Arm up, man. Get, do more, do more, do more, de-arresting trainings.

You got to de-arrest these pedophiles that ISIS is going. I didn't know this, but they're going after, like, convicted people. That's why it's, that's why this enforcement operations are so weird, because they're going after people that are, like, convicted of stuff, but are, but let go. I don't know. But it's funny. It's fucking funny. Hey, I've got this, I got this gun.

And the guy's an ICU nurse. So imagine this, right? Here's the thing about the ICU I know some ICU doctors Here's the thing about the ICU You work in the ICU It's like a fucking war zone, right? And slash fentanyl zone

And you could be You could be the smartest Most capable person ever And you could save a shit load of And you could save a shitload of lives That's one type of person that works in ICU Here's person number two The guy who thinks he's the smartest person ever

but he's actually a big fucking retard and causes a ton of harm and is a huge pain in the ass guess which one a guy who buys a notoriously fucking stupid gun a gun that's known for discharging itself and brings it to a federalized protest

it's not the smart one so they did I mean they did this is such a wonderful thing that happened. I'm laughing my ass off. I'm like, because imagine you're working with this guy.

You're like, oh, fed's killed that guy? Thank fucking Christ. Oh, yeah. Well, and it's like, again,

you know, because they are going after convicted people, it's like, how does that mental gymnastics work in liberal minds? They're like, yeah, you can't take this because you're ice,

but it's like, this guy's a child rapist. Like, ah. Well, yeah, but you know, so am I? What was I talking about? Oh, yeah.

So, I'm gonna take this gun case anything goes down with the feds Oh is that and I'm I'm whatever the opposite is of St. Peter in hell That's me I run the gate of hell As it turns out

I gotta go to hell You know On principle But at least I get to be the guy that welcomes everybody into hell So what brought you to hell Well I took this It says here you took a gun To an ice protest in case anything went down

What brought you down here Well Something went down Oh, and how did that? And then you tried to pull the gun and you tried to kill the cops and they killed you. No, actually, I went to pull the gun, but a Fed had already taken the gun from me. And the gun went off on its own. And then they let me have like a fucking Christmas tree.

That's what I voted for! That's what I voted for too. I was just so tired of it all, man. And it's like, can you believe they killed this guy? It's like, can you believe that? this guy went down with the intention to kill somebody? Like, someone was going to die. That's what happens when the cops are enforcing the law, people get killed.

Like, it's not, they're not perfect, and they're not even like, they're not the best and the brightest, you know, and we don't expect them to be perfect. Right. Like, it sucks when they kill innocent people. We try to limit that. But when they kill people that are fucking around, that's not really, that's not really a thing, something we're trying to. prevent. Yeah. Because if you're fucking around,

eh, that's not a crime per se. I'll never be hurt by one less chomo on the streets. Yeah. And you're pretending to pull a gun, you know? We don't really want you. No one's going to cry about that.

That's what's driving me crazy about it too. The podcast bros and these giant pussies were like, oh, this is, you know, this shouldn't happen. Like, bro, we're trying to deport 50 million people The last time a country tried to deport a lot of people

Western civilization ended up apologizing about it for 80 years That's what happened The last time a country tried to deport this many people Even a fraction of this many people They all died And all of Western civilization spent the last 80 years apologizing for it

So it's gonna be it's going to be at least it's going to be somewhere between this messy and that messy. Hopefully not approaching that. Hopefully somewhere right around here. But this entire operation of getting rid of illegal aliens

and a trillion dollars of like fraud and bullshit is basically the entire Democratic Party. Like they need all that. So they're going to, every single one of them in the signal groups, the 10,000 signal groups

where they're orchestrating their plans, where they're like telling you where the ice vehicles are to tail and where the federal officers are and innocent people are getting caught up in that. That is a militia. That is the liberal militia that is now activated

and I think it's cool, you know. Why wouldn't it be? That's why we have the Second Amendment. That is. But when you can't draw, when you can't outdraw six guys and you're dead, don't come crying

to libertarians about the Second Amendment at that point. Like, yeah, well, I mean, that's how it's supposed to work. He was armed. That was his right. And then he was stupid and got killed. I have gone to many Second Amendment events, like 20 years ago.

Now there's, I mean, there's no point now. There's no constitution now. There's not even, I mean, the law only exists now to harass law-abiding citizens. So even, even deference to the law, I respect to the law, is a betrayal. Is a betrayal to what we have to do, which is to pour 50 million people, you know?

Again, all I want is one road soda on the way home from work. I'm gonna get that road soda. I'm man. I'm about to kill every man, woman a child owner. Every last one of them. You know, and that's the thing is I'm so excited about this one road soda that I'll keep it to one road soda. That's the one law I probably won't break I won't but I appreciate that you will

No I have a kid now one road so did it is Yeah I'm not trying to be dangerous These pussies that are crying about Crying foul about ice slings Like if if if we had cops doing their jobs in L.A. And like beautiful out here And there would and people would die More people that's the there's two ways you know

If cops are doing their job which like What do you? Of course they're there's rampant criminality and violence and shit we can't use the fucking metro there was an article that went up in L.A. saying they're going to tunnel under under Mulholland to build a metro

and I'm like wow that's awesome I could go get stabbed I could go get stabbed by a bum under scurball wow that's so cool that we'd spend how what a cool what a cool development you know oh wow I could get stabbed under Mulholland

Drive on a 200 billion subway? Wow, that's cool. Where else can I get, can I get stabbed? Yeah, it's safer to just walk around in L.A. Yeah, you can get stabbed. They made an amazing stab line from downtown, the Expo line, to Santa Monica Beach, so you can go get stabbed on, or you can listen to some shithead, eating ribs, or listening to their fucking speakerphone. John Treese, you might know, they might be a friend of yours. I'm actually, I got an earpiece in under my headphones so I can listen to my other conversation. You're mixed? Yeah. Your other conversation. I got dat-piff on

in the other ear right now. What minority do you want to hear screaming? What minority do you want to hear screaming? Do you want to hear a black guy screaming on a cell phone? Do you want to hear some sort of Asian screaming? I'd like to hear the Asian. That Uber's for you then. That's my Harry Potter quiz. Sorting hat quiz. How do you want to

get somewhere? What race do you want to hear screaming? And then the mystery third option is luck at the draw for getting a Christian Filipino Uber driver and you have to listen to the worst music ever and smell the worst perfume ever. Sometimes that happens.

My point was, there's two ways to see when the cops are working, and I used to, is crime going down, which is hard to see because the stats lie and, you know, it doesn't really, it happens you once.

It's like, well, I have nothing compared to it to. And two, are the cop slings up? If the cop slings are up, crimes getting put down. Yeah. So crank the fucking numbers up every day, twice a day.

This is a, This is an organized liberal militia. That's the point of the Second Amendment. That's what it is. You got guys with guns meant to threaten federal officers. Of course they're going to get killed. My time doing Second Amendment awareness of like dressing up, like a cowboy going outside, open carrying,

before they made it illegal because of us. And, you know, those people had problems too. They would get in hush tones. like, you know, if anybody came in here, we'd fucking ice. I'm like, man, you can't be saying that while you're open carrying that while you're open carrying a gun. You can't be getting into altercations. You're just looking. Those kinds of people are always looking to use it.

And it's just like. A lot of them are. And it's too bad. A lot of them are. It ruins it for everybody. And it is ruined. It is ruined. So the woman's eating ribs.

Now were they Memphis ribs or were they? I didn't ask. What region are we talking ribs here? She's eating ribs, responding to a talk show that is not playing, pooting and hollering at it. And then I go back there, and a gay man tells me I need to get a tetanus vaccine. And I'm like, well, I've been lying about having all my vaccines for God knows how long. So maybe I should get one.

I'm like, is it going to be okay? He's like, yeah, it's fine. Nothing happens. Like, okay. He was lying. I get it. and I'm like, total disaster for two days. Fucking shivering like I'm in the fucking revenant, dude.

Like, I'm in bed. Like, it's picturing Tom Hardy with his hand over my fucking mouth going, blink for, blink if you want me to kill you right now. Like, dude, I would just die if I was, if I got a fever in that old west, it'd be like, fucking kill me, get me out of here.

That shit's so lame because they're like, oh, well, we never noticed the side effects in us. So you'll be fine. Dude, this is Sight as fuck as hell Yeah, I'm like, fuck you guys And then I go to pay my $40,000 bill or whatever, $2,000

bill Whatever was that black lady goes in She's in some room for two minutes A lady to me by the way Just to show you where my head's at these days She's just a shoddy to you The shoddy goes in She goes in a room for like chicken head

She goes in a room for maybe Maybe 90 seconds and then just leaves. Like, what the, wait a minute, what just happened here? What just happened here? Get Nick Shirley in here. I need some old boomer to come in here

because I'm pretty sure this giant check that I'm fucking signing over to the hospital right now for my, for my 10 ccs of glue and conversation and 20 cc's of conversation

that I got from Dr. Homo. I'm pretty sure it just paid for whatever happened in there and that bitch's ribs. Yeah, she got more ribs in there. She got more, she got an injection of ribs. God damn it. Man, I get home and it's like four.

I'm like, well, I spent the whole day doing, I just had a lot to do today. You were just around food, but it couldn't have any all day. I was around, yeah. No sandwich, no ribs. So I went to this charbroil. Wait, you should have went over and sat next year and been like, let me get that.

You got ribs? This fucking, this. So the guy who was calling Steve, his brother was in prison? Oh, yeah. Who had the same birthday, but? We had the same birthday as him. He gets up, and he's like pretending like he's walking out the door. I know he's pretending.

And he goes up and talks to the black lady with the ribs. And he goes, yo, I want to show you my phone case. And I'm like, this is the dumbest. This has got to be the worst fucking line I've ever heard. And she goes, nice, I like that. I like that. And then they get into a conversation about his phone case. I'm like, you're fucking kidding me.

This is what passes for... Were you on the metro the whole time? The hospital was on the. the Metro. That sounds like every metro. It's the Metro ER. Yo, I wanted to show you my phone case. I'm like, what the fuck was that? He was trying to get a rib.

Get the, get, get ice in here. He was trying to borrow a French fry. He was trying to borrow a rib. I was like, where's my Burger King crown? I have one in my car. It's in like a little glass box and a little hammer, just waiting. In case of, in case of emergency,

see break glass one water please I would like one water let me see if this dude is I told him the calling a little bit early because we got a newsgirl you never know what the newsgirls they could be late

it could be early it's a Babylon thing you know yeah uh okay join now no one else is in here all right and then it kicks you out right away

cool did they think deporting 50 million people would be easy. That's what I don't want to know. Historically, historically, every time we've tried that, it's gone badly in the history books. Just want to make sure everyone understands where we're at. All I got to say is everybody get your stocks in for Union Pacific and all the other railway. The Trail of Tears. Did that sound like a good time? Does that sound like, you know, it was good. I'm sure it was awesome. But it's not really looked back fondly. The holocaust. Are there any good words for getting people the fuck out of your country?

The holla discount, you know? Deospora. They're inventing new, they're going to Latin to describe how bad it is. No one ever describes it as like the great awesome kickout. That. The great D Indianing. No. You got the jams and then in parentheses and this group and this group and this group too. You guys better nut up. You guys better nut the fuck. Fuck up. Yeah, you're either dealing with our government or yours. I don't want to deal.

Because our government is in there right now. Well, I'm saying is like, you know, everyone who's not supposed to be here. Yeah. We elected those guys to do this. They're like, but I don't, you know, I could never possibly go back to El Salvador. It's like, well, then you're going to have to deal with our government. All these arguments people are making are like so anachronistic. These libertarian, like, what if, what if it was?

What if the shoe was on the other foot shit? Yeah. Yeah, we were all like, we all had our lives ruined, and some of us were thrown in jail. We know what they're going to do when they get in charge again. They're going to try to kill all of us. So the answer to that is to get as many of them. Well, that's why I'm working on my 360 waves right now, Dick.

So once I take this do-rag off, everyone's going to drown. Okay, allow. Yeah, allow that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. of all things in this world I guess we could allow that Buba blah blah Libertarianism

It had a shot In the 90s When the country was 80% white Now Democracy has about as good a chance Of surviving as libertarianism did then Because

Thoughts on people's opinions of democracy People's opinions on on libertarianism We're not We hadn't hit a We hadn't hit a Consensus IQ wasn't high enough

The country to say You know what We are going to be Libertarian No not there yet We still need to be Dancing is forbidden Drugs are illegal

Because these people Have you seen them They're fucked And since then We've gone About a standard deviation down Which is Can we have a democracy

anymore? I kind of don't think so. If we got a bunch of tribes... We got to go back to women not wearing shoes, living in the house. Are women going to be wearing shoes? That's the modern day version of libertarianism. I think women should be able to wear shoes.

Or else they're going to get ringworm. Oh, don't tell us your... Don't tell us your science! Science boy! Oh, la, la, la, la. Oh, boy. I saw some Somalian talking about rice and bananas. Let me play that one.

This is it. You see that? Well, it's not like rice with bananas. It's more like rice and bananas, you see. The dumbest bitch in the world. She's tied. Do you know that? She's what, tired of eating rice and bananas? I'm tired of eating rice and bananas. I'm tired of eating rice and bananas. But I do it anyway.

I'm fit to be tired. I'm tired for the dumbest woman on the planet earth. I think this is what assimilating means. Here we go. That's what Assamolika means. So I'm Somali. I'm proud to be Somali. You shouldn't be.

To me, being Somali isn't just eating bananas with rice. It's a lot. It's like, it's, it's, it's an interesting thing. It's, it's very hard to describe what it means to be Somali and what it means to be American. but it's like a cultural fusion. It's kind of like the bananas and rice. You know, people don't really see. Wait, what did she say?

It's not bananas and rice. It's like bananas and rice? Like, you know, it's a- Who taught, where did they learn to, where did she learn to talk like this? At the Leering Center? Must be. Look at them chompers.

They're fucking chomper. Could a bite right through the screen. You know, people don't think, oh, you can eat bananas with rice. but this is dumber than dumb she's doing the R. Kelly thing with the fake band-aid on her face? Oh yeah, Nelly did that. Nellie did that? Is that a style? I guess he had to spruce up your hijab.

It was one of the... Band-aid on your face? How it this is? Banana rice, but you're gonna get what I mean. No, I'm pretty sure... I don't want to get any of what you mean. Pretty sure you don't mean anything. Yeah.

That's how you guys talk. Who's what I mean? Get the fuck out of here. Fuck out. Where's our fucking mother? money Lubowski. Here's the comrades rise up. Let me see if I got. Retards rise up.

Let's fucking go. Retards. God, come on, guys. We got to arm these Antifa guys up with machetes. You know, get them armed. Take any shit from these ice people. Those ice people look at you cross, you fucking front at, you know. And if they look at David Cross, then you for sure got to do that.

I'm saying that Mr. Show was great the first couple seasons. Yeah, with Bob. and David, not so much. Make sure you say that. Yeah, have this whole diatribe ready. Here we go. Look at this, look at this badass. Wow.

Look at this tough guy. I'm Antifa, and there's so much rage in me that I've had to record this like 15 times trying to get the message out. They fucked up, okay? Go watch my other videos. It doesn't matter if you're not here and you're not caught up.

You miss the fucking fight. But if you are, it's time to suit up. Boots on the ground. Yeah. Nick Litton fucking. Yes. 26th. Go.

My house is four blocks away. Anywhere between Franklin and Nicolet and 26th and Nicolet. I thought he said something else. I thought he said. Oh, Nicolet. You with a C. Oh. Okay.

Because I'm, man. For a second, my do ride you're thinking. Steam coming out of the sides of my ears. Show up. Ready to go. Okay? No, not talking about peaceful. protests anymore. We're not talking about having polite conversations anymore. I am talking

specifically to my fucking followers. This is everything I have fucking talked about. And this is exactly what I said was going to happen. Yeah. This is exactly what I said was going to fucking come. Yeah, you guys trying to kill people. But we didn't fucking go and march on fucking Whipple with guns. Sorry, but welcome to America, 2026, where Second Amendment is the only thing that's going to keep you fucking protected. And yeah, you exercise it. fucking Nazi gunmen that are killing innocent people. Wait, wait, wait.

You guys actually actually use the gun to be protected. Hey, everybody. I'm here with my Second Amendment. Part that everyone... I'm dead now. Part that everyone seems to gloss over to

is like, I'm not listening to some face tat motherfucker who's like overcorrecting on his redemption arc to fucking rally. the troops. Just go back to meth, bro. Yeah. They're heroin. Take apart your phone and never use it again. Don't take apart the government.

Actually, take apart your phone because they're spying on you with it. And there's bugs under your skin, too. Man. That's what I love to see this. Angry white terrorists. Ooh, that's nice. The street with impunity. This is not a fucking joke.

Why do you keep beeping off of the F word? cute shit because it's not actually covering it, it's there in the background to like, oh, it's funny I'm still... He edited this video and had the wherewithal to make a bad joke? Yeah. Because every time.

Yeah, every time. Nothing fun to chant about it. Get your fucking guns. And stop these fucking... See, guns. That guy could have had two guns, you know? Just because the feds took one gun. Doesn't mean you didn't have a gun. I just got a few guns on him, you know?

Bang, bang. I really have. I really don't understand anyone who feels bad for these morons. I don't either. Well, it's like this is all the most like, fuck you dad kind of shit. And it's like, oh, you got smoked? Like, huh. That's what that guy's parents said.

They said we told him not to go fuck around with a gun at an ice protest. Oh, did you? That's always a smart move. Antagonized people who are like routinely being antagonized. Yeah, who I shot at. Yeah. driven over with the cars and stuff and people

wow all right what do you think on a scale of one to ten how intimidating was that guy that was like a he couldn't even start to grow waves for a du rag to need a du rag you know um I see my wife is saying

oh she's here okay well rise up comrade I want to know what happened to that fat Mexican woman

at the ER though she's probably eating ribs she was every time you go to an ER in LA there's one of them that's all wrapped up you know that face they make my favorite is the ancient person

that's also always wrapped up yeah like pre like right about to hit the embalming table type shit yeah and they got their head all the way back and fucking bottom job hanging down to their chest and it's like why did you bring this in public like this is shocking all the

people around here get it out here here's something wonderful that AI is doing every week I think I couldn't possibly hate AI more couldn't make our lives any worse and here you go

AI is making ads for fat women with back fat flaps you see that Hey you You're home early Couldn't wait any longer You look amazing

I like that they both Are you doing You're ridiculous Maybe But I'm in love with you I know I love you too As a woman

Who's cooking dinner It's a four-titted woman For all you Audio listeners out there And it's AI I made a woman Making dinner at the stove With a back

Dress open And some back tits Going in a really unfortunate tramp stamp. I don't know what that is. It looks like a bush. Well, it's like,

you know how on those artisanal sourdough loaves they always make like a little insignia before they bake it? Yeah. I think it might be one of that. So somebody made the insignia on her sour loaf here. Her dough loaf.

And then there's a handsome man that's rubbing her back tits complimenting her. This is an ad for a dress. Oh, it's not an ad for dressing. It's for a dress. This is an ad for the shooting yourself in the head gun. You're home early.

Couldn't wait any longer. Look, both laps fucking go. That's fucking crazy. What is this fucking legal? That's fondling her fucking crazy. Her back fat here. You look amazing. I'm just cooking.

And stealing my heart while you do it. And their lips don't move. So somebody wrote this script with AI. It's like the same kind of script. grip that um that toby chip guy keeps getting with his frappuccino's and drooling all over himself and it's like oh yeah yeah yeah like fat it's always the same cadence yeah uh war for and you know otherwise but it's just really like i'm so sick of it you're ridiculous maybe i'm just in love with you and your big back tits i want a teddy fuck your back look we've heard of front butt but now back tits too what's next

Top head Dogs living together Foothead Front butt How's your wife? Oh she got a big old front butt She got a front butt Back tits

If I Okay that's what I'm gonna See a fat bitch one What a front butt back tits Fucking wow That's a crazy If you've called someone that They'd have to turn and walk away

Do a 360 and walk out You know I hate to see you coming But I love to see you coming I know a buffet Hate to see you coming She's looking at the camera As I'm to say

Can you believe how much This guy's into my big Fat back tits Yeah She doesn't know I got them on the front either She's in a wet t-shirt contest They got a whole series of

They got a whole series of these Backtit videos Man That makes me fucking sick It makes me fucking sick Wait so I can't put Who holds the back tits

in a back titty fuck. I don't know. I guess you'd have to, right? Yeah, you'd have to. Fucking make her arch, though. Put your shoulders back. Stop punching forward. Dude, I hate to call this this early, but that's going to be the next

fucking set of things. They're going to start making AI some retard. Do you need a back braw? Are they going to start selling quad bras? Oh, like a... Double-sided bras. Quadrophenia. You know, you can... Front left, front right.

Yeah, exactly. Dolby bras. And one for the forehead. Dolby at most. 7.4.1 bra. I got a five-point bra harness. God, it's like a racing scene. Yeah, front.

Front tits, back tits. And a parachute just in case I start to tip forward. And a gun harness. Jesus Christ, man. You got to stick the unicycle under the gut. That's what they had in. dread. That was, that's literally what they had in dread. The fatties had a fucking unicycle for their guns. Remember those Bridget Fat Bitch cards and she has the unicycle under her gun and then

the seat in her hand? That, I was just reminded of that and I think I'm going to throw back up into this Red Bull can. Um, Miss Rachel liked something anti-Semitic and that she apologized for it. That's pretty cool. Not the apologizing part. Let me see what. comments she liked. It was so over the top. It's like, I mean, she's obviously not liking that. Like, she'll have Palestinian kids on her show. She's going to be friends with any semis, but she's not going to like a comment that says like, fuck the Jews or something. Let me see. I mean, I'm sure she, I'm sure she thinks it, but, uh, Miss Rachel caught liking call to free America from the Jews.

Bad timing, Miss Rachel. Bad luck. Bad luck. Man, you know that ACLU lawyer machine is gross. That fucking steaming, man. Every like happening. They got that thing ready to go. Sorted by weight and everything.

The Jewish AI or whatever they're calling that thing. J.I. J.I. The J-I-D-L lawsuit machine. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. We got her. Ladies and gentlemen, we got her. Yeah, I just can't be.

Shabbos and Grabos, we got, whatever they, whatever ladies and gentlemen is in. Shabbas and Gravas. Shabbas and Gravas. I'm rolling up some groveeys later. We got her. We fucking got her. The tech savvy toddler whisperer,

cop to liking the vile comment. Free from, we must keep America free from the Jews. Why would you go put that on Miss Rachel's thing? Come on. She's gonna get a lot of new fans probably You guys can't be putting that on miss Rachel's account this time But like you know who or something. No, I say it like that you know come on. Don't put her don't don't don't put her in a position where she could fuck up so easily Look all I did was like a post

Her then she posted a video explaining Oh do do do do do do Life really be strange There's a study Someone sent that says Men They put men and women

And let them view a A scenario where People were punished And they both felt bad When someone was punished And then showed the person doing a crime And then the men felt pleasure When the person

The criminal was punished And the women felt exactly the same and they did that at no shit university they conducted that study at no fucking shit university

well because all babies would be dead if women didn't feel that way because they're all little shitheads so women have to feel like punishing babies is just totally abhorrent and like sick and wrong

so yeah like duh they're hardwired for that shit I don't want anything bad happening to anybody that guy's being a little asshole that's just like a baby would be so it's more important for me to protect my baby than it is

for me to have like a geopolitical understanding of crime punishment and shit it's putting the baby's more fucking important than that for them just ask all the people who have like eight or nine kids so it's kind of fucking insane

Look at what I's killed this fucking crazy asshole Oh They killed a crazy asshole Oh They're sending pedophiles back across the border Oh no Well because what would have happened if the guy's waving his gun around It accidentally goes off and kills just some random bystander

Like it's just so funny That it went that it went off Maybe the guy squeezed the trigger or something And that's what then they said Shoot him! That da da da da He did that time crisis bit on him. Yeah, he did.

He's like, I'll show your shit. Action! Yeah. He's putting quarters in the machine and everything. They got to make a gun that just randomly says, action! Oh, I'd be out the streets. He's got a gun! Like the cops in South Park.

When you hear that action, you just reach for your belt. Tell them reach for the stars, even. The UK government's going to make banter illegal. Oh, about time. Sick of fucking banter at the bar. UK government to make banter illegal. Bar and pub staff will be expected to report people to the police if they overhear conversations, remarks, comments, or jokes

that an employee may find offensive? Oh. Wow. Just report everything. Yeah. Yeah. My Lords, I declare my interest as the director of the free speech union

and I congratulate five minutes, no thanks. How about make it the short speech union and maybe I'll give it a listen. We got to like, we got to get everything away from Europe because they're going to be a nuclear Islamic caliphate in 20 years. So we got to be, we got to send like our top H-1B engineers to start helping them

with their infrastructure, get everything running nice and smoothly. So when the la la la laas take it over, they're able to deploy their nukes. God damn. War with Europe. You know what would be funny is have a whole fallout style reclamation day. What's that?

Just where they go and try to take back America after the bombs dropped? Oh, it is? They're like, hey, you know, it's time to, you know, time to rebuild the place. And a bunch of podcasts, he was like, I didn't know taking back America was going to be, was going to get people killed. There's been two or three people killed.

Oh my God. Can you believe all the Raiders? I thought we were just going to run ads on the radio and they could use an app and get out. I thought they would listen to Dan Boingo on Rumble and say, I should really, I don't deserve to be here. I hate apps so much. These people are like, they're children in their brains. They're children. It's pathetic.

Washington State is looking to hire H-1B police. Oh. Okay. They didn't find they don't have enough retarded assholes to bother people in Washington So they have to go hire them from India. Is this really true? Washington bill would allow non-citizens to serve as police officers each do you know what why I pulled you over sir like that? I'd be like I actually Oh hi what? What? Hi, hi, hi, hi, how you doing? Let me see if this let me see if this little guy's calling in here Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on over.

I think I'm about done with my garbage. How are you? You're good. It's great to see you. Thank you for coming in. Let me pull up your camera. Headphones for you, too. We haven't had anyone on to read the news for us in a long time.

This is a big deal for us, yeah. Wow. Thank you. Good luck for you. Good luck for me. With my beautiful accent. Hello, everybody. Hi. Hi.

Okay, your name is L. My name is L. And where are you from? You're Australia? No, I'm from Ukraine. Oh, you're from Ukraine? So I will have hard times to read something from... We've had some real difficult readers in here.

And they were all from America, so... I'm sure you'll be... I'm sure you'll do better than the worst. Let's see. This is John... What was your name? My name is John Trice, the audio engineer. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Where in Ukraine are you from? From Kiev. Oh, you're from Kiev? Do you know people back there right now? In Ukraine? Yeah. Of course.

My family. You feel? Oh my God. Yeah, they still are there. I moved with my sister one year ago. One year ago. How did you get out? Very complicated.

Very complicated? Yeah, like, yeah. I used to live in a... France for half a year and then I got documents. How's your get on, make sure you get on this microphone there. We can move it. You can move it around too. Okay.

It will move around as much as you want. This close. Okay, let me. There you go. Hi. Hi. Hello. I forget what we were talking about.

It's been so long since I think drone. I've had a woman in the studio. What is that? A drone combat? Was I talking about drone combat? I think I was talking about Indian police. that's much worse yeah that would be great

because it's so great to deal with them on like customer service imagine cops well if the cops you can see and hear or see and smell coming yeah it was good it was good it's getting there everyone's a little bit flustered okay L what news do you have for us please

okay let's start from Greenland okay oh yeah get right up right up on that okay yeah President Trump is pushed again to buy grilling. Saying past year's president tried for nearly 200 years. He wants full control for Arctic security against China and Russia,

more military bases, rare earth minerals and shipping routes. He suggested Denmark could get a very large payment in return. But he floated tariffs for Denmark from 10 to 25%. leverage but then backed up back up calling it a negotiation yeah very smart Denmark should do that to LA yeah sorry go ahead yeah Denmark's press premier minister met Fred Dixon and Greenland leaders say it's unacceptable the island is not for sale I feel like I'm in a trance that beautiful voice an accent.

Did you see the baby? The six months old baby? Yes. Let's just get out of here. We don't... I haven't slept in six months. So now I hear you're... I hear you reading the snooze and I'm like,

okay, I'm just going to take a little snooze for a second. I haven't heard anything that's pleasant in about six months. I love it. Can you bottle that up somehow, please? Of course. Because I can't drink because I got sick of sobering up at two in the morning. Oh my god. To screaming.

Do you have any kids? No. Oh, don't do it. I will think one more time. Take a second thought. I can record voice message. Would you record voice messages for me? Can I say, can you say great job?

You're doing great job today. Good job today. You nailed it. None of those were, none of those were fucked. You didn't fuck up too bad. Anybody would have made, would have done that, would have made that mistake. Okay, so we're buying Greenland. Wow.

Yeah. That'd be cool. I'm from Ukraine, you know. Yeah. We don't like people to buy some lands. Oh. What a matter? I don't think we're really going to buy it.

We just need to put, like, missiles all over it. Yeah. That's better, right? Well, everything against Russia is okay. Everything against Russia. So putting missiles in is a good idea. There was a country. we did that with. I can't remember.

Okay, okay. Anti-Russia. That's good. We can work with that. What's the next one? Next one. Okay, no problem. The government's, wait, here is a little bit more complicated. Okay. The government's keeping track of what people get stuck in their butts. Complicated? This is very complicated.

More complicated than Greenland? Well, I was just cooking naked and sat on this potato and it just went right in my ass. So, nearly 39,000 people hit U.S.Rs each year with objects stuck in their electrons, mostly men in their fortress. What are you told? Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're having a risk of shit in your ass, dude. I'm right in that risk area. I was kind of wondering what could go in my ass recently. Oh, see? I'm hitting that age. It's dangerous. Yeah, you probably know. I still got a couple more years before.

I'm 45. Yeah, you're what? 36. 36, you got, don't rush. I got more years before I'm like, you know what? Maybe today's today. Like, I'm even looking at this stuff.

Like, what could go in my ass? It's stable. Okay, what are they? Sure, at least one of these, right? Oh, yeah, no problem. That, no problem. So, over how our sex toys, then that won't come out.

And standouts from 2025. A full-size pumpkin spice. Yankee candle jar created a vacuum a full-size Yankee candle yes a pumpkin spice how it looks like it's like a candle that's like this big and like this tall yeah it has like a big round glass top on it oh my god it's like a old lady candle i could honestly i could see getting pissed off at the amount of candles and you say you know what just shove this up So sick of pumpkin spice. I'm shoving this thing up my ass.

I'll show her. What if it starts melting out of your ass during the day? Pumpkin spice. That's great. That's amazing. Pumpkin spice keeps it nice. It's a perfect crime because ordinarily a candle leaks out of your ass and it's like, it's disgusting. Right.

People spot it right away. But it's pumpkin spice. Yeah. Don't mind the orange color. It's, you know. Yeah, that's cool. It doesn't matter. Halloween.

Amazing. Very sexy. So that's not everything. and what they put in here. Oh, okay. But 24-inch dildo. Shampoo bottles. Shampoo bottles.

All my ER friends are always with the shampoo. Every ER person I know has at least two shampoo bottles. Yes. Why should too? Well, because they're the big, like, oval shape, and they're like, yeah. Oh, they are? And they always fucking, it's always bottom first, so then the handle's sticking out at the end,

and it just looks retarded from what I've... They need to start shaping shampoo bottles in, like, a non- anus way. Yeah. So people stop doing it. Like there needs to be some legislation. That's on the manufacturer for sure. People blame us for like not recycling and shit and be like, that's the manufacturer.

Exactly. Yeah. Don't put and don't make it ass shape. If they're making cars that they can stop remotely, surely they can make shampoo bottles that will not go in your ass. Like shape them like an Everlafting gobshoppers. Like a jet, you know, with that? Like a star.

Like on a Christmas tree. Catamar. Yeah. Shape it like something. They don't have to be so ass-shaped. They're tantalizing. They're teasing you. You're in there.

It's all slippery. It's Pascal's wager, man. You're like, I could probably fit that out of my ass. Come on. Do I want to get out of the shower? I'm like handle or get up. And take care of my kid and do chores. Or I can just sit in here and try to shove this thing in my ass.

I think I'm going to do the. But the excuse always is, well, I was just showering and I sat down and I just had a whole shampoo bottle of my ass. And it's like, there's no fucking way. Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever felt a call of the... You know, I mean, I mean. I'll ask my friends. Those glasses make me think no.

Or normally I would think, definitely, but the glasses are like, no, probably not. But maybe baseball. Baseball? It's all leathery and rough. Yeah, the stitches. That would be horrible to. Maybe for somebody.

How interesting do you want to be with your ass? No. Uncooked pasta, what you will say? Uncooked pasta? Like, the sticks? Yeah, I think sticks, but maybe whole this bunch of sticks. Oh my God. We have another name for a bunch of sticks too. Okay, let's cook. A whole off of spaghetti in my ass.

Probably like the tortellinis. Wait, why am I saying that makes more sense than spaghetti? It looks like but holes, but... Yeah, I'll show these but holes. I'll stick them up. Uncooked spaghetti? And do they cook it in their own body then? Is that like a delicacy? For al dente.

It's like an art piece. That's one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard. Al dente as spaghetti. We with the sauce. Okay, an egg will not surprise us in this list. Okay. Beard clippers. I have no.

Beard clippers. Beard clippers. Beard clippers for constipation. I have no idea what is it. Oh, yo. That's like poop knife on the next level. They were shoving beard clippers up their ass. They were trying to trim the shit.

That's crazy. You gotta give your shit. That's like someone's dad. I'm just gonna get in there with some weed whackers. You gotta pre-taper your turds, man. Yeah. High top fade on that bitch. Mine all got waves.

You know, so my dad came over. He heard about me trying to weed whack the front yard and getting poop everywhere. So he came over and sprayed Did you see how my yard looks horrible? He came over and sprayed weed killer everywhere And he's like just you know, rake it and get rid of him And then I cut my finger off

So now I can't clean up any of the Stuff in the front yard He's like oh sorry man I used weed growing spray Yeah Come outside and it's fucking Jumato Okay was that the ass Was that the end of the ass though Not everything screws

a doornaub, marbles, a rock, eyeglasses. Eyeglasses, how? That's where I kept them. Fuck. Give a pen, flashlight, and light and light bulb glass first.

How? That one egg. One jar status, yeah. I could see that. The doorknob, I guess. The screws, though. I guess you're banging the doorknob and then it falls off. It comes off.

I was just trying to pick the lock, man. What do you expect? Okay, what's the next one? Next one. Monkeys are on the loose in St. Louis, and AI is complicating efforts to capture them. Okay. Several vervet, vervet monkeys are loose in San Luis in Missouri in Missouri

with a sighting starting Thursday in the northern part of city. I told you that. You're doing great. I know, I understand all of it. That's wonderful. Animal Control and San Luisu Private expert are searching but the effort is being

seriously complicated by a flood of AI generated images and fake signs online. We saw some monkeys but they're AI. We got a monkey sighting over here but it's just like monkeys

dancing and wearing suits and stuff. Yeah, very beautiful. City health officials say people are posting and fabricated photos and videos of the monkeys. Yeah. Some increasingly absurd creating a rumor after rumor and making it hard to verify real reports. As a spokesperson noted, it's challenging to separate genuinely sides from the misinformation. Oh, I'm sure it's really difficult. for them to see which are the AI monkeys being generated.

Well, and then they use this shit against us all the time. And then when people finally, they're like, wait, we can fuck with you guys too. They're like, actually, we gotta put... I'm gonna do that with ice. I'm gonna sit next time all the kids are up at the top of the hill doing nitrous. I'm gonna make a bunch of AI ice pictures up there. Put them on next door. Put them on next door, yeah.

That's a good idea. Okay. So next one. Controversial suicide port inventor reveals new a powered feature to a love couples to die

simulatins. Very romantic, I think. Philip Nietzsche, the inventor of Sarko Suicide Pod, has unveiled a new double-dutch version for two people.

The largest capsule lets couple die together by requiring both to press buttons simulately to release nitrogen gas. It features an AI avatar that tests mental capacity online replacing psychiatric checks and grants a 24-hour activation window if passed. Nutschke reports interest from couples wanting to die

in each other's arms. they have suicide pods where you do an AI test online and if you pass they'll let you kill yourself at the same time with your husband yeah man that's a really complicated way to do

something that's really easy it's just yeah leave your car on in the garage man yeah no AI about that one Is there one where you can kill your wife? Where you can take her test for her? I don't answer to these tests. Why do you want to die?

I'm retarded. I keep screwing. Well, silly me, yeah. I keep interrupting. L.O. I'm just a girl. Is that possible? Everything is possible. What do you think about the suicide pod stuff?

It's a little. A little like... Weird. A little weird. It's a little weird. Yeah. Suicide Pite. I will not buy something to kill myself, you know.

Yeah, I already have plenty of stuff that I could use to kill myself. No shortage of those. Did it say there was a test on that? Yes, yes. The original poet was used in Switzerland last year. Legal challenges continues. and the Swiss authorities say it's not permitted. I don't know why.

Why it's not permitted? Yeah. Assembly of their dual model is expected soon pending approvals. But I believe that they can legalize this in Switzerland. I think they should. You know what needs to happen is once you both push the button, it does a whole scan and takes all your credit card info and takes all your money out of your bank accounts.

Yeah. Well, you don't want to get stuck. You don't want to be the one that doesn't jump into the pool. Right. Right? Like when the pool's all cold, you'll jump in if you do. Right? And then you jump in and no one else jumped in. You don't want to kill yourself. And then your wife is still around and she can go get plowed by other guys, you know? So you want to... Be sure.

And she's probably thinking the same thing. She doesn't want to kill herself and then you go, like, get a young, get like a hot young wife. You know? So it makes sense. Maybe. I like that the test, one of the results could be like, man, you're fucking retarded. Like, we'll expedite this process for you. Like, how do you fail, a kill yourself test? I don't know.

You have too much to live for? They're like, dude, you got way too much money in your bank account to be like this. Yeah, we're not going to let you go out there. Go spend some of that first. Yeah. Get some, you need to be more depressed. Get your money up, not your funny up, you know? Yeah.

Okay. Is there, there might be one more. There's a, um, There's a pigeon one. Do you know a pigeon? Pigeon? What is this? There might be... What's the last one? Oh, my God. Let's read the last one.

Oh, no, no, what's the next one? Sorry. Sorry, I might be jumping. About the smallest penis? Oh, shoot, that was a blog of mine. I didn't... I accidentally pasted it in there. Unfortunate. Fuck. I was supposed to edit that, too. How many people are killing themselves by the gun?

Like, how? How, you're that? Wait, we should have talked about the smallest penis And then the solution, which is the suicide pod. Like, you need that much permission to kill yourself. You can't just go do it. You need the government to approve. You need your wife to approve.

And you need your wife to kill herself too. Bro. I don't think suicide is going to fix what you have. People want the pharaoh treatment, right? Like, hey, you know what? I'm dying. Now you're getting somewhere. My whole family, bury all my animals with me, embalm the shit out of my whole.

Take my brain out. out with a hook. Take my brain out. There's some little Indian guy to get in there with a fishing hook and pull my brain out. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, get some Egyptian trash digger to clear all the trash out of my skull. Don't just put me in a pod. Like, I don't want to die in an iPhone.

No, I want to die in a gold. Let's get black people on this. We need our own. America. America needs a suicide pod. Built, built for, built, oops, built by. The urban demographic. That's the one I want.

Purple, gold. It's got spinners on them, yeah. Hell yeah. You get a free du rag, too. Save my brain. Wave. So you can go out in style, right? You'll have 360 waves, and then when they take your du rag off, they're like, man, we lost a really good one.

Yeah, because Faroes were black, weren't they? Don't they always say that? Well, George Washington was, Albert Iron. Who wasn't? Pharaoh's definitely, though. Yeah. So they could do the whole, they could do a whole suicide pod thing with, with sarcophagus

your real one. Right? Does that track with you? How long have you been in America for a year? Yes, yes. What do you think so far? What's your favorite race and least favorite race? Oh, that's the question everyone has to be asked on this show on.

Even for Native Americans here. Have you lived in L.A. for the whole year? Yeah. Oh, wow. So you do have a favorite and least favorite. Yeah, we already know It's gotten better here in the last year, I think. It sucked here like three, four years ago in LA.

It's gotten better if you can believe it. It used to smell way more like piss all over the city. Oh, San Francisco is the same. Because I heard that it's like, oh my God, very dirty city. But this year I was there and it was like, wow, it's the most cleanest city in San Francisco? San Francisco? Yes, yes.

Yeah, there's something happened where they're trying to fix it now. Probably Newsom wants, our governor wants to run for president. Yeah, it's very clean and very nice. So I'm curious how it was a couple of years in LA. Just imagine like, you know men's bathroom? No. Oh, you know, then we have like urinals on the wall. And then nothing but piss on the floor.

Yeah, like at a, like at a baseball, like a soccer game. Like the men's bathroom at a soccer game. Like that, that's what it was. Somewhere in downtown, I guess. Yeah, how do you, what do you think about America after a year? It is very nice, very interesting. What do you think about the men of America? They're very impressive, I would imagine, to the beautiful woman from the Ukraine.

Yeah, very hard to say. I don't want to say nothing against me. Do you have the F-slur in Ukrainian? Cranean F slur. Yeah, like a guy who's like, ooh, by the way, not. No, you know?

Yeah. That's not, is that how are men? This is very California. No, it's very not men in the U.S. It's very Californian. Yeah. I love it. Yeah, it's so freedom.

Freedom here is, it feels very much. It feels, yeah. It feels good. Yeah, it feels really good. Okay. Yeah. That's probably it.

That's the, yeah, that's really, no, true in compared with different, different countries. Did you get a bunch of guns since you moved here? yet? Guns? Not yet. Oh, you should get a couple guns on the way home. That's a year two thing. Yeah, that's important.

That's cool. No men, huh? No men. No men in America. That's good. No, no, no. Yeah. Sorry, for my English is not the best. That's perfect. I wish my wife spoke less English. Tell her that every day.

Okay, what's... We go upstairs, she's speaking Greek. Kind of be like, oh, fuck. What do you do? What do you do modeling? I do, you do modeling? Yeah, I do modeling. Yeah.

What's that like? It's kind of fun, because in Ukraine, I used to work as engineer in furniture company. Now I'm modeling in the U.S., so it's kind of... You're an engineer in a furniture company? Yeah. So you're like, they're like, look, some of these chairs keep breaking because the women are getting so fat.

Can you make a bigger? Can you make the chair? Yeah, can you make a chair that's... Yes. Really? I went to the hospital this week, and it's like half the chairs are these like big-sized chairs that I can just like sit in and kick my feet like a kid.

Yeah, that's me. You're designing those. Yeah. I've always... I've seriously always wanted to meet you. I've really always been. Because every time I see the chairs get bigger. Look, I belong to a secret organization that tracks...

He may or allegedly and supposedly. I may belong to an organization that tracks how big women are getting. So it's important, it's important to me. Next step, hopefully it will be for chairs in flights, but we're still working on it. Oh, my God. I would be so pissed off if fat people got their own big chairs in airplanes. But it's crazy now. Like the last, I took a cross-country flight a couple months ago.

And the whole flight, I was just squished in between two elephants. Yeah, that's what we work on. It will be super nice to make it comfortable. So you did that in, you did that in Ukraine? Kind of, yes. Kind of. Yeah. What would you do?

You sit on like CAD and draw like pigs to leg? Exactly, I see it, and I think how we will make this table that it will be nice. You really sit there and go, hmm. Yeah. Maybe a top on the table. A couple legs. Maybe some legs over here. Somewhere, yes, very hard like this.

Sounds like a good gig. Oh, yeah. And then my back is hurting, but I'm excited to sit all the time. This is amazing. Your back's hurting. All the time, of course. I don't know why. So yeah, nice changing in life, and now I do modeling, can I imagine.

And now you do modeling? Yeah, it'll be different. Okay. Where can people see you model? In some magazines. And, of course, in my Instagram, if you want to follow. Yeah, what's your Instagram? It's so nice.

E-L-L-E-O-S-S-S-S. V-O-O-S-S-S? The O-S-S-S-S. Three S-S. Yeah. What's the third S for? I was not lucky to get with double-s, unfortunately. Sounds like steam-escaping, yeah.

You're in a sexy businesswoman. Of course. I'm very proud business. Very impressive. Okay, what's the next? Next. Next one. I have the world's smallest penis.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Trying to change the subject. They give awards for that now? You get a news article? You get a free pass at the suicide booth. Yeah. Sucker! Sucker!

Pull your pants down and the machine ridicules you. How do you pat? What is the test for the suicide booth? They make you watch, like, it's a wonderful life. And if you don't cry, you got to watch Toy Story Story. And if you don't cry, then fine, you can kill yourself. You know what I keep forgetting about Toy Story? Was Ernest did the voice as Slinky.

Yeah, you can't forget that. I almost fucking forgot. I almost forgot about the Alamo, too, but that's a whole different story. Okay, what's the small penis one? So, a 36-year-old man from North Carolina. Same age as you. Uh-oh, you guys have at least one thing in common, Johnny. Uh-oh.

Let's see the second. Because in her mind, she's like, that's true. They do have that in common. So maybe everything. Not me. Not these waves. So he is open about living with what he believes in the world's smallest penis. He has a micropenis measuring just under an inch caused by a fatal testosterone deficiency.

Oh, no. Micropenis is a rare medical condition. affecting about 0.6% of the global population defined as... And how much of L.A. does it affect? Probably even more. 30%. Well, if all the small balling going around, you'd fucking better believe. 0.6%? Yes.

That's a lot of people. But not that a lot. It's 0.6%. I mean, 1 out of 200? That's a lot of micro-penises out there. That makes sense. My microcenters gotten big now, though. So, define as a 3.6 inches or less when a diagnosed of infancy or early childhood. 3.6? Wow, they're really...

What a goalpost. Okay. It's really specific, Mr. Penis. Interesting how they count this. Ah, no, yeah, the diagnosis when early childhood. Okay. So Philip, Phillips remains a virgin. of course and says the condition has made dating and sex extremely difficult

he described a failure attempts at intercourse where he wasn't able to get it in and traumatic high school because the penis is too small and traumatic

high school experience where a girl laughed at him which calls him stop person relationship. That's super sad. Again, that's not a penis issue. That's a skill issue. Yeah.

That's a go past suicide booth. He calls it the biggest challenges I faced, including the embarrassment of discussing it openly. But it's super cool that he

decided to discuss it. Is he going on talk shows? Is he like the small, I'm the small penis guy trying to... If you have noose it like that. Wait, so him and the big penis guy are two of the... they do the same shit. They do do the same shit!

What the fuck? They just want to talk about their dicks. They just want to talk about their dicks. Like, oh, this is the biggest burden. Like, it sounds like it sucks, but you don't have any bigger problems. Your mortgage isn't a bigger problem than your small penis. Yeah. If you had a girlfriend, that would be a bigger problem.

Then a few small penis having ass. The big penis guys do it too. They're always... Have you ever seen the penis guys talking about their penis on TV. The fucking handle the... Oh, can you believe how... And they're like, oh, it's actually horrible. Like, it hurts women and it's really just the worst.

They have all these stereotypes about me. They're so full of shit. That's... yeah. He's doing the same thing. It's the... both sides of the horseshoe, right? Good... Good catch, Johnny. Fucking sick of these fuckers.

Sick of these penis guys. His penis probably isn't even that small. He just wants to get it out. He just wants to go. He's like, oh, this is such a great shame. for me to keep talking about this woman laughed at me yeah don't talk about it like what are you doing it wouldn't be that hard would it if you had like a really tiny penis but he was like great otherwise and he's like look uh you know before we before we go into the bedroom uh i got

to tell you i've got like a micro penis that would be a lifetime experience that would be a lifetime So you go, you say like, yeah, sure, let's take it out. I got a new chair we can test it on. I got a new micro penis chair. I got a new table we can test it on for a micro penis. Oh my God. I'm so sorry for these guys. Yeah, I thought high school was a traumatic experience.

He's owning it now. Yeah, but he just said he's so embarrassed that, you know, this is my biggest burden. Like, no, it's the smallest foot. Get to shut up. He could get a fake penis And say he has two Have Yeah

And say what And say he has two No see I got the small one Tucked under the big one It's like crazy Okay Was that it for the penis man? That's it I think

Does he have a go fund me or something Does he have a go fund me or something? No Don't you think there's like a girl that is like Love small penises Probably even no penis They love that Lesbian girl?

Yeah, lesbians. Lesbians would love a small penis. No, or small. That's my theory. He should just put a wig on and go to a lesbian bar. Yeah, you're right. Hey, what's up? Because then it's like a surprise.

I have some kind of penis. Yeah. I am a woman, but I got some, a little penis here. Yeah, so this is a big advantage for him. He needs to think about this. You're thinking like an engineer. You're thinking like an engineer. That's why.

You're not thinking like Mrs. Doubtfire. You're not thinking like a guy with a small penis. Yeah, I cannot. Get your head in the game, man. You're not thinking like a guy with a small penis. Get out there and fucking do it. You know how they put, they used to have, you know in the airport how the chairs,

they all have armrests now, so you can't lay across the chairs. Now all them have, They all have armrests in the chairs now. Yeah. Did you do that? No. I'm not that crazy.

I'm sorry. You're not that. Someone did that. Yeah. Because they used to lay down across the whole row. Yeah. And now you can't. You got to lay on the floor.

Very bad people. It's our other company. Yeah. Is there a chair engineering beef? Because they're like a rival company. You're like, man, these guys' products fucking suck. Fuck them. They always break.

No, no, no, they can also tell about us something. Oh, okay. We're trying to keep a good relationship. Spacely Sprockets and Coswell Cogs all over again. Okay, what's the next one? Next. Who be alleged drug keeping Ryan Wedding? Oh, oh, oh, this is the pigeon article.

So there is a language that was designed. for people who live in the Caribbean like Jamaica Oh, pigeon the pigeon Yeah, and the BBC You know the BBC? They translate For some stupid reason

They translate every article they write Into this Into this goofy Caribbean language Where it's just a phonetic language So it's not a different language But you read it And it doesn't make sense When you look at it, but if you read it phonetically

It sounds like a Caribbean person seeing the news. You can only sound bad when you try to read Pigeon. Yeah. I don't try not to sound this in European. Okay. Okay. Give it a shot. Okay. The Canadian snowboarder and

L.H. drug smuggler, Ryan Biden, don't chop. Oh, wait, get on the mic a little bit more. Don't chop. Don't chop arrest and they for custody. FBI director, Cash Patel,

from them the news inside one post-Forex. He writes, thanks to president, Trump, leadership and commitment to global law enforcement. And of this morning, the DOJ, the FBI, officially GBAB,

our six top 10 most wanted figurative within the last year. It's impossible. It's totally impossible. It's very understandable for me, with my... This removed letters, which doesn't need to be here, you know? Yeah. It goes like, it's for people that talk like,

and then they went down to... Thanks to. I thought it was a parody account at first. I was like, what do you mean? Me too. All these are in pigeon. Yeah. I thought someone hacked it.

Well, because I started sending them. to people and they're like, this is fucked up. Why would you send this? This is an official account. Like, I'm not trying to be a shithead. Well, I mean, it isn't just an official account. Yeah. So, thanks to AGPM Bondi for her relentence pursuit of justice.

D.U.S. Attorney Office for L.A. and FBI, Los Angeles. Ryan James Wedding, B.N. Enta. custody for Mexico last night. They transported from Mexico to the U.S. via FBI, FTOC, to face justice. Wedding, they believed to their height for Mexico for over 10 years. And on they wanted on changes of cocaine trafficking and murder since 2024. Meanwhile, attorney General Pambondi confirmed say them don't flyin.

Say them don't flyin. Say them don't fly. Don't fly. Don't fly wedding into... Cocaine Kingpin of Canada. God, these Creole people need to know what happened. So, wedding into United States from Mexico. Inside Postonix, she was...

She writes say at her direction. FBI agents GBAB wedding. What is GBAB? GBAB. GBAB. GBAB. Is that what it says? Yes.

I think that's kebab. Kabab. Yeah. I think that's a word that they have. We don't know all the words that they have because we don't know how to read them. Amazing. I will learn. I will teach you.

GBAB. It's me. Cabab, a gab, whatever you want. A kebab. Kabab wedding. Kabab wedding. The one time Olympian snowboarder turned alleged, violent cocaine kidnapping, kinpin. Wedding being they flow to the United States via ego-face justice.

Ego-face justice, right? Yeah, that's... We are go-face justice. We go face justice. We go face justice. Perfect. You're getting into the, you're getting into the, you know. Do we have another?

Do you have a right? This not direct result of President Trump law and order leadership. She continued. She continued. That's it. Bondi further, credit FBI director, Cash Patel, ambassador on Johnston, Johnson, and the Mexican, for a sign in the case.

It was very hard. That's it. Thank you for attention. It's wonderful. Yeah, I thought we were listening to a native Jamaican. Do you know Miss Cleo? Madam Cleo? I thought it was Madame Cleo in the room right now with us.

Thank you very much. Thank you. What was your favorite news item? The penis one? Probably. Of course. Because I was thinking about big penises as well. Even though we were talking about small penises.

Well, do you think little penis guy was shuffing shampoo bottles in his ass to compensate? Like, do you think this was all tied around small penis guy? I don't know. It's a good question. I'm surprised he's not selling a book or something. The truth is out there, you know. My small penis. Okay.

Did this mother effer flake on me again? I think he did. He read pepper flaked. I'm going to remember. He didn't remember. Thank you so much, Elle. We have comments. We have voicemails.

We got, let me see here. A millennial woman, quirk chungessing on her cruise. Do you know what quirk chungessing is? Let me see what this guy says. You might want some headphones for this one. We could listen to some voicemails, too. Oh, my God. Did you see Guy Fierry?

How could I not? Fat son of a bitch Do you know who this guy is? Of course You know who this guy is? Okay Oh pre Pre

Back when he was Guido Ferry Yeah This is his normal look Yeah This is his normal hair He's just fucking Fred Flintstoning it It looks like Fred Flintstone

I don't want to buy food from this guy He's a weirdo Not unless he's serving a big rack of ribs That makes my car tip over Okay, let me see what I Oh yeah, okay This is another one I had So this guy

That guy Fieri's a fucking jump scare Every click over, holy shit So they made this video game Do you play any video games, Elle? A little bit What do you play? Genshin Impact Genshin Impact

This is video game What is Genshin, do you know? I'm familiar with the concept of it In an often world Yeah What are you doing it I running and fighting with different creatures With creatures? Okay

Do you know the game Fable? No Okay so this is I guess this is This is Fable Uh oh Oh no, don't crash Um

And they Whoa whoa whoa There we go So they released this game, but they added the ability to play as a male character, like too late. Did you call this fagel? Yeah, so this is what it looks like when you play as a male character. And every single one is unique. Each of them has a name, a role, a daily routine, and their own person.

This is fucking sassy walk. You could be a gay man. That's very true. I just recently found out that guys who are gays, they go walking live. like this. You recently found out that gay guys walk like that? How did you find that out?

I didn't believe that. I thought that would lay like, you cannot recognize. But when I was involved with space, you think they're like spies? Like, talk. Wait, this is the best part

about them is that they're obvious. They talk like this. They're wiggling around. Roller blade everywhere. They go, they go way out of their way to be gay. Until the last moment, till the time I've arrived to California, I thought that this is crazy. How did gay guys act in Ukraine?

They're like normal? They're like normal. They're mostly like hiding that they are... They're hiding that they're gay. Why is it? People don't like gay guys? It's not, I don't know. It's just coming to Ukraine step by step.

In America, we love... Love gay people. We throw them parades every day. Gay people and black people are like, who can we... Who is it today that I'm... Jenna that we are having a parade for. How did you find out that gay people? In Palm Springs.

Oh, you went to Palm Springs? A couple of days walking and lay like, chik, chik, like this. They were super cute. A bunch of old gay guys walking around, wiggling everywhere. So you went to Palm Springs thinking, all right, there's a lot of guys here. I bet I'm going to meet Mr. Wright. Yeah. And then.

Yeah. I made mistake. Did you see one and ask your friend? Like what's with this straight guy? No, they cheeses each other. So I guess that they are at least bisexual. We call that gay. For men, for women it's bisexual.

For men who sleep with men and women, that's called being gay. Gay. I don't want you to make a cultural, you know, mistake. Yes, thank you so much. Okay, so you saw some bisexuals? Talk about this? Yes. With the water's going like this, so...

Wow, that's... Everything is new. I love it. Palm fucking Springs. I don't even remember when I discovered that gay people are doing gay shit. I was so young, that's like, when did you discover water? Like, I don't remember. It's just always been around.

been around. Always been around. How did the, how did lesbians act in Ukraine? Um, because here they- Lesbians more scared. First time I saw lesbian in Europe and she was hitting on me. Yeah, you should be scared. But yeah, I'm scared.

I'm very scared. They're like a bear. They're like a bear. They're like, they're like, yeah, I want to fuck you and I don't care if you don't want this. And she's like, let's kiss. She's got no penis. Are they fat over there too? too? No, that's the most trickiest moment. They are stunning and they look like they are very not gay.

Oh man. They're very, very beautiful. And they're like, I don't care of her straight. Yeah. What does she look like? What sort of? Yeah. What are we talking about? Like me, but little bit shorter. She's like a shortman complex? Like Napoleon? Little bit, yes. Yeah. They can be pretty aggressive here. Very aggressive, yeah. And they cut their hair short, and they're built kind of like John Goodman.

You know who that is? In the 90s. Like a construction worker. Have you seen Shrek? I like Shrek. Yeah. Shrek lesbians, that's what we call them. Oh my God.

Yeah. They talk like that too. That's why I'm straight. That's why you're straight. Me too. No, I don't mind, but yeah. The lesbians in America will scare you straight. No, they don't choke around.

They got their own special chairs. Chair. Okay, what else? Oh, nannies for Russian programmers. I wrote this down. I don't know if this is real. High-earning IT specialists in Russia hire good-looking nannies who will take care of them so they can focus on work.

Whoa, that's a... That's a nanny that you could have as a full-grown man. Dang. Do you think that's real? This is very real. You think that's very real? Why hear music? Do you hear music?

Do you have something playing somewhere? I don't know. Maybe. Nice song. Has it been going the whole time? No, just no. What the hell? Ah.

Oh, it's you. Oh, okay. I was like, I don't see anything on the meter. Wait, your glasses are playing music? Yeah. What kind of glasses do you have? This is this, meta, glasses. I don't know why music.

Maybe I put my phone and say, why hear music? Now I see that you're straight. You have a pair of $600 music playing sunglasses. Yeah, that's exactly what. That's the straightest thing a woman could do. What are you wearing? Glasses that play music for my phone. Oh, yeah.

Exactly. That's cool. Totally necessary. Oh my God. Let's forget it. Here's Star Trek. More Star Trek stuff. They're making a new Star Trek.

Oh, they're coming out as... These are lesbians in space. Let's see. And that you can yell at people. And I can yell at people. That's what I do. Anyway, it's awesome. She yells at me on and off camera.

Yeah, yeah. For me personally playing Jet, it's really interesting because I was single through discovery, it's been really interesting to incorporate a relationship because we are romantically involved on the show. And I was talking to Gina just earlier. I didn't think our dynamic made sense. at first, because I thought I would be the more dominant personality in a relationship. And honestly, when I watched it with my real wife, she was like, I love this dynamic. Man, what a...

Is that Whoopi Goldberg and children's author John or Hank Green? I think so. I think so. That's a ringing endorsement for Star Trek. I was watching it with my lesbian wife. She said this is amazing. Okay, um, you want to do some voicemails? Let's do some voicemails, Al, if you, if you, if you, if you dear, uh, to stick around for them.

Let's see here. E-L-L dot V-O-S-S-S, right? Yeah. All right, let me find this. Okay. Can you hear this? Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. your Holy Spirit is speaking through me. I got something that's pisses me off. It is, I don't know, female co-workers who feel like you're friends and want to tell you about the

true crime podcast they fucking listen to or the shit going on at home or any of this mind-numbing shit. Like, I find myself I'm like, I'm like, oh, fuck, she's still going. Fuck me. I thought she was done. Like, good fucking Lord. Like, it's just like, I don't care.

about whatever weird I just had that thought He's still going He's still going He's still gone He's still gone I don't care I don't care about your podcast

I don't care I don't care Whatever I don't fucking care Don't care at all But you gotta be nice You can't tell her that You don't have to be nice

This is a guy who thinks we care Do you like true crime Do you like true crime? I have no idea what this is like it's like shows about crimes that really happened and people go into great detail about the crimes so people can kind of vicariously get excited by the crime

like it's either happening to them or like they're the ones doing it yeah I think I watched this in Ukrainian in language super interesting they have Ukrainian true crime yeah kind of what's it called oh my god I don't remember you don't remember Pravjna?

Oh yeah, I've seen that one. I've seen Bosnia. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. He called back again. He called back again. Oh, man.

Complain about the same thing. Okay, here we go. Something about Reddit. Yeah, your point, hey, Dick, sorry. Your point about Reddit is very true. And as someone who has posted on the biggest problem Reddit, sorry in advance because you think it's like this. I don't know.

People treat it like a diary. they like oh i got a complaint with the big biggest problem let me go here and see what people think like yeah obviously they're gonna fucking get all sappy and weird and then when you you come back out of it with like a you know like thousand thousand foot view over it you're like oh my god i was being so like melodramatic and weird about a podcast that i enjoy you know what i mean yeah you know it's good it's good to know that you have regret um This might be the first good Redditor. Yeah, that makes me feel a lot better if you guys are posting insane shit on Reddit

and then feeling bad about it later. Oh, I forgot one thing. I got one more interesting thing. And then, Elle, I do probably have to go. But let me see. This is Andrew Tate. You know Andrew Tate? This guy?

The guy, the bald guy. Ah, no. No? No. Okay. he's talking about raising his kids he's a famous uh

he's a famous uh coheets woman yes he's a famous misogynist um but he's taking a string of ls recently he got beat up in a fight and then he he apologized for playing that

that Kanye Hitler song uh interesting I think my son he's fine I said to myself if you want to get good at anything in life it's going to be born

you're going to get good of being bored He's like, yes, sir. I sit him on the couch. No Nintendo, no TV, no phone, no iPad. sits there with a cup of war. I go to work for fucking six hours. Doesn't fucking move, doesn't say a fucking word, because he's scared for his fucking life.

It's not because I hate him, it's because I love it. You can raise him that way. This whole idea that kids are unruly is coat Western bullshit. Oh, my God. I don't think that's a good way to raise a kid. He raised in the same person as he is. He what? He's raising the same person.

He's raising the same kind of guy he is. Yeah, psycho. Yeah, a little bit. Big time. Balls, mostly. He doesn't move because he's scared. All right. It's a cool way to go about being a dad.

You're supposed to be like learning stuff, you know. Literally anything. Anything. Play around with something, learn something about it. Play around with some instruments. Learn something about them. You know, play around with these books, learn something about books.

Just sit there. waste your best oh my god what an asshole yeah poor poor kid poor kid right I feel so bad you always want those kids to grow up and kill the parents but they're so like afraid of them they never do

and he's telling this to these people he's telling this to are like kind of the thought leaders for young disenfranchised men out there three of those I recognize those guys fresh and fit Nick Fuentes and Sneco

and they have audiences of millions of men and they're all they've this is this is a failure so great against the world

that it's turning into like well if I can just control my son enough if I can control something that has absolutely absolutely no

recourse absolutely no ability to defy me at all no ability to fight back no ability to punch Like I've failed so much in actually what I wanted to do that I've got to control this person totally Yeah, and call it parenting and love what a psycho Yeah, yeah, the very least

At the very least yeah, we got to save Topji's son I think get him out of there. Okay, hell, thank you so much Thank you guys for coming in and come back and do something about these chairs I will, for sure. I promise you. You promise? Thank you so much. Is there anything that, is there anything you ever wanted to put on a chair that you didn't get to do as an engineer? Like a music, some sort of a meta music.

Music, yes, it'll be very nice. Which you'll put in random moments, you know. I love it so much. Okay. Thank you so much. It was super fun. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thank you. Oh, bye.

All right, all right. We got... Johnny, you want to do your... Let's do your thing. I got some great ones. Okay. Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, I got to clear out my India folder recently with Vinnie and Carl on the recent episode of The Creep-off. Oh, did you? How recent is that? Should we do Friday? Whoops. It was great.

Okay. Thank you to both Carl and Vinny for having me on. It's a lot of fun. Very Indian, wary Indian rather. What a wonderful girl. He's great. She read that pigeon perfectly. I haven't spoken to a woman in seven months. Johnny. Christ. I know what those guys felt like in the Old West. Here. I noticed there's a lot of clink marks on this from clinking this against the iron bars. Arms for the poor, you know. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. About an hour of me is perfect

That's great I'm not gonna get any better Oh man Okay let me do Let me play the theme It's crazy that It's crazy that Topji is saying this obviously insane

Bad parenting Like he's expressing A common and obvious weakness Of men Which is I need to control Something weaker than me like that's really that's really one of our

one of the things that men have to come to terms with the most is don't don't turn your need to control things don't put that on something that can't fight back because it can't fight back like you want to you should put it on the elements

put it on nature like that's you want to control nature great because nature fights back you want to control society that's great because society fights back but don't put it on your wife and your kid because your wife and your wife's gonna fight back in a dirty way your wife's gonna fight back with your kid take it out on them and your kids can't fight back yeah like that's like this is like basic basic masculinity 101 it's like yeah you got these impulses that you have to direct out not at your family so it's really um it's really annoying

to see that uh cameltoe having motherfucker giving this spiel as like a bragging about this to, I mean, to guys who, maybe they don't know. Maybe the guy's sitting there letting him talk. And I mean, there's a lot of, there's a lot of letting him talk going on in that circle, which is fine. It's a bit, it's getting a bit weird if you ask me. Yeah. It's like, yeah.

I don't you shut the fuck up with like the Muslim shit over there. You are a shitty dad, bro. Yeah. But if they don't know, now you know. I can say it now. That what he's describing is sick and abusive. And it doesn't get, what's wrong with Andrew Tate does not get fixed with therapy. And it doesn't get fixed with ass beating either.

Like that's another male inclination. Like, well, maybe we should just beat his ass. But he just got his ass kicked. And what he learned from that was, I'm even better. Because I put myself in the position to get my ass kicked and got my ass kicked. and that's even more brave of me. Suicide booth. Suicide booth.

There's no fixing it at that point. Well, here's one for you that might cheer you up, Dick. This is Ladies' Night. All righty. Uh. Okay. Get out my pop. Get out my pop.

Get out of my pop, mate. It's like four women going out on town. Pop. Get out my pop. Guess how it's my pop. Five, I can't count. It's retarded people playing in drag? No, this is ladies' night.

Get out of my pop. Get out my pop. Get out my pop. I like the last one the best. She throws in a mate there. She's got a real Dustin Hoffman. Yeah. Tootsie kind of vibe.

Yeah, that's cool. That's a good one. So up next. God, what do we got? Oh, yeah. This is... This is how I'm leaving everyone's parties from now on. Okay.

Okay, if you do this shit in my house, I'm fucking absolutely murdering you on site. Okay. It's an Indian that's like scribbling with their feet in chalk on the floor? Yeah. Like a gear, like a giant saw blade. Yeah. But they're drawing on the floor. Yeah.

And they didn't connect it and everyone's cheering. Tell me this is a bunch of white people. Yes. It is. It's a bunch of white people at like Wellesley or some shit. And he fucked up at the end because he forgot what he was... I saw that. And I was like, man, I'm just going to carry two little pebbles with me

to just fuck up anyone's hardwood. Anyone's hardwood? Just, yeah. Watch this and clap for me. And so the janitor comes and he's like, what the fuck is this giant... You just got to resurface the whole fucking corner. Top gear logo doing on the floor of the stairs. age.

Man. So that's a new... God, I fucking hate liberal white people. They're so fucking annoying. Yeah. And they'll do everything, but stick up for themselves. Yeah.

Yeah, Sernovich was like, saying, why is everyone picking on white women? It's like, well, dude, because they're the only ones that are not operating correctly. They're ushering in all this. They're the ones going this way. Everybody else, every other race,

every other gender's going this way. And they're the ones going, actually, I don't want to... We've got to flip that shit around. Yeah. Bam. Okay, good for you, buddy. So what is this next one here?

Oh, yeah. So this is for all the audio listeners. Okay. Buckle up. Oh, what is this? Two black people. Two black people hit the audio. Money blessings.

Playhouse. You want to playhouse daddy? Yep, I got my big hammer too. You got your big hammer. What you want to do with that big hammer? Blach the balls down. You will knock the walls down, Daddy? The wood a little old.

The house still standing you feel me? Right, but I want to paint the walls, daddy. For color, you want to paint the walls. Come. Uh-huh. What is grandma? That's his wife. Yeah, but I got my big hammer too.

You got your big hammer. But Erica Badu playing in the background really sells it for me. Eh! God. You want to paint the walls of daddy. That made me fucking sick. So that's all for you guys out there in Audio Land. And I call this, hey, that's a, oh.

Somebody in the bath. Yeah, just keep watching. A foot in the bath. This schizo guy lives in his bathtub. But check this out. So you see his legs and bubbles. Yeah. And then all of a sudden.

There's a bubble bath that I'm seeing. Where did the apple come from? Was it in his ass? Yeah. That's the only thing I can assume. Oh, no. He had a bit about big titty, Zah. He had a bite of the ass pole.

Oh, no, really? Dude. He's working that apple out of his ass? Yeah. To the Stranger Things music? I mean, I've seen stranger things, but you know. Dude, that show fucking sucks. This was more stranger than the whole show.

It's the struggle sounds. At least I know what's going on in this. And then the fuck. What? Did he shit that apple? We had just gone over in the news today about people. Pumpkin spice candle. This guy gets yanket.

Yankee candles in his ass all the time. Okay. What the hell? And that, my friends, is the brain rock corner. My son doesn't sleep, so we're up all night. And I wake up every day to like this Pepe Sylvia thing. This is what's wrong with his sleep. My wife's got a new theory.

every night because digging into rabbit holes you know I hope she's right but it's just well there's nothing to do when you're sitting there on the sleeping on you man this one is iron she says he's got an iron deficiency and that a bunch of parents now she found a

fussy baby support group I'll talk about it next time people don't care dick why explain this to me like I'm five years old why are you so concerned with people saying slurs on your show.

I just heard Johnny get chastised for saying the F-1. You've already been banned from YouTube. I don't understand. Please explain to me why we're worried about saying slurs. Oh, because I'm not banned from fucking Patreon, you idiots. What the fuck do you mean? Why? Now, why?

I don't know if you know this, but I'm special. I get banned everywhere. Everybody else can say whatever they want, But for some reason, I'm different. Because I was the first one to do this, maybe. Because I have a special kind of way of doing it that pisses off fat women, possibly. But what I know is that I can't fucking do it. That's all you need to know.

You're five. Shut your fucking mouth. You're five. Damn. That's why. Everybody else slurring up a storm. Me? Nope.

It just doesn't happen. That was me at my worst I apologize everybody Plus people are listening like on an Uber People got it to show on In front of their kids or whatever In front of other people's kids They know at least that there's not going to be

That kind of slurring on the show There's going to be all kinds of other stuff But there's not going to be that Kind of slurring Yeah You can get away with more If you're not saying those slurs You can get away with saying way worse stuff

in a more acceptable way. But if you do have prostate cancer, you make that last Dilbert comic. Yeah, what have you got to lose? Your life? Dear N-words. He should add two

letters. Two letters. One, and then this one, Dear Black People, that's what Scott Adams should have had two. Holy shit. He could have gone down in history who's the funniest guy in the whole world. Dude.

That would have been immortal. If Scott Adams had written... What is it? A goodbye letter? It's not a suicide letter, but it's like a... Oh, man. Dear black people, that would have been a meme. Yeah. And it could have been like that episode of Boondocks

when Martin Luther King comes back to life and tells him all off. That would have been fucking great. But he chose to pretend... He chose to pretend to pretend to be a... smart guy. That's why he's burning in hell. That's why he's burning in hell. And there's me going, what brought you down here, Scott?

What brought you down here? You know, getting cancer, terminal cancer is actually a big gift. Because you can do whatever you want. That's what God wanted you to know. And instead, you made a bunch of fucking joke like your Pascal's wager, but you're not. You didn't even credit it. Yeah. I mean,

I have a diabetic friend, and every time I'm like, hey, Nick, you got this, whatever? He's like, no, but I got diabetes. And it's like, damn, you really ruined my day with that. Yeah, I don't really give a shit about Star Trek, but that cliff you played is, like, retarded because she's like, oh, a smart mouth isn't worth shit.

After immediately sucking off Oscar Wild, who was killed? He died after going to prison for being a smart ass. For being a smart ass. Yeah. Like, it wasn't that he was like fucking that guy's kid. because you know it's like England the old days they just did that it was that he kept

like bragging about it yeah that he kept like oh I'm screwing this rich guys uh I think it was like 14 times but the boy is that it wasn't him being a smart ass and a smart Alex is why he's famous and why he was died right and he's why he was all like well that's why but you're sucking him off

like you can't have it both ways you either say Oscar Wild is like a valid author and respectable or whatever Or he's not. No, he was a smart asser who couldn't shut up and died because of it. So it's super

It's just like the whole It's this whole forced Like Star Trek was about It was about all the races Living together in harmony In this post-scarcity world Where humans can fulfill their potential

It can live their full potential Vis-a-V-Q Like that's the first The first encounter they have is with Q the last one they have with Q. That's the whole point of the series. Like, this is us that are being our best, our full potential.

And now it's kind of the same, but it's like this forced perversion of what people are, which is like fat, black, lesbian, and disabled. They got like a disabled person 800 years ahead of where the last Star Trek took place, which is a... So the humanity is like...

It's like a choice to be in a fucking wheelchair. That's what we are. That's where no one has gone before. a wheelchair. I think we've been there before. It sucks. Well, you don't see them quoting like any other interstellar literature.

Why are they quoting someone who's like distinctly like, here's early 1900s America. Like, what the fuck does that have any sort of context in the fucking galaxy? Well, um, because, uh, because as we,

because as, as we lose scarcity is, if, if, pain and struggle are the mother of invention and are the birthplace of art

in a post scarcity world that wouldn't exist anymore so there would be no the context under which the art was created would either be diluted or would no longer exist so there wouldn't be any new there wouldn't be any new works of art they would be addicted to

18th 19th 20th century art until the end of time that would be that's probably accurate we're gonna keep selling Beatles records till the end of time god that makes me fucking sick to think about

yeah there's gonna be zeppelin reissues for whatever format comes by then and we might already be past that point we might um has there been any has there been any timeless classics

in the last I mean that Kanye's Hail Hitler is pretty awesome I don't know it's timeless yeah that guy singing about fucking a minor, a child? Is that going to be a timeless? It might be a minor.

Like, I don't know if people are going to be singing about pedophiles for... Yeah. Maybe they'll... Hey, can you throw on some... People are going to forget about Drake at a certain point. Yeah. Nah, put on that pedophiles on it. That's cool.

Dick, in college, I worked as a lifeguard at our university pool. And this was pretty recently in history, too. and the majority of the lifeguards were either hot women or Indians. Now, a couple years later, it's mostly Indians, no hot women, and we see some of the most behemoth-sized women that you would imagine. Like, if you were swimming and you saw that as your lifeguard, you'd be like, well, I don't feel safe. And, yeah.

Let's do a cannibal. I don't know. I think it's because whales. are just drawn to a natural habitat of everybody out of the pool well I think they're all Indian lifeguards so that once one of the fatty starts drowning they can all jump in

and gang rape it who's ice going to kill this week one of these freaks it better be there's like a there's the map of George Floyd that good the other woman that got killed and this new guy that got killed

is like the Bermuda triangle of Minneapolis. It's like real like that, you know? Man. We got to fill that. Let's make it a square. Let's get some more dots. Damn. All right.

Goodbye, everybody. See you, everybody. Boob. Oh.