The Dick Show - Episode 500 - Dick on Chekov's Nuke

Episode Date: March 8, 2026

Iran fails to deliver a nuke, the hospital loses my kidney stone, birthdays for men, a domestic abuse vasectomy, DEI classes, twinks vs. sissies, fat women vs. rings, a human brain chip plays Doom, and more advice; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Coach Cake is in here going, what are the chances Sean is here? Fucking zero, Coach Cake, you fucking negative piece of shit. Put that shit in my head. What an asshole, man. I thought of asking Sean, and I'm like, I know me. I bet Sean needs more time. He needs another 500 episodes. Maybe episode a thousand.

I'll say, yo, man. Oh, shit, I almost said the N-word, man. I thought I thought I'd be getting a new, I consider this like my birthday 500 episodes like an actual birthday that I earned Man's birthday feels like I always feel like shit

shameful celebrating my real birthday but you have to because women around you celebrate it right so you have to like you know get shit that doesn't fit and act like Hillary Clinton with the balloon

oh you know oh another leatherman now they're going to call me inspector F slur God I wish I could say it

inspect they did it do do it inspector and you say it in your head the F slur right did that's what we do for the 500th episode just drop F that da da da da da inspector

uh hey do you ever you ever think that you ever think that in Silence of the Lambs when Buffalo Bill tucks his wiener between his legs and goes I'd fuck me

you ever since you ever think that that's the same scene as in taxi driver when Robert De Niro's like, you talking to me? It's the exact same scene. Same thing. Same fucking shit, man. It's the same fucking thing, man. But guys will do the second one.

But if they do the tuck the wiener thing, they'll go like, that's gay. But they'll go, they're going like, I'm tough, right? That's the extent of my thoughts on these last 500 episodes. I've been sick all week. I sound sick. I thought I would get, I was coming in hot, man,

last week. I'm like, I'm going to put some stuff together and then wham, I get sick. I'm like, you know, that figures. I'll just limp in. I'll crawl in. Hopefully my voice won't sound like shit, but it does.

So sorry. I thought I'd be getting a nuke on my birthday on this, my podcast birthday. I thought old Netanyahu would drop a nuke nuclear bomberino on those stupid Persians

for being alive. But he didn't. He pussed out. He said last night, I got a big special surprise and I said, oh, he's going to fucking nuke him. Come on, man. You got to nuke these fuckers. Don't just be blown up. You blow up a little girl's school and kill 200 girls. It's a big problem.

But you nuke a whole country, you know. Nobody cares. Too many people. Come on, buddy. It's a lot of people. Yeah, and there'd be some sick edits of that. Like Netanyahu riding on the bomb, like in Dr. Strangelove going... yahu you know riding a nuke right down to turan wham i hate it i hate the whole thing you know because i'm like a normal person right because i'm a psychopath so i don't understand how the rules work

from from my point of view if you're killing 200 little kids over there you could just do that here so if that's the line if killing 200 kids is the line there's so many problems that can be solved at home that killing 200 kids would do, you know? You just have to be smarter about it. So if that's the line, then okay, let's figure, let's fix all of this stuff at once. Right? But if you say that, you're crazy.

Everyone loses their minds. Yeah, you say peacock, nobody bats an eye. You say poop cock and everyone loses their minds. Um, my urologist called me. maybe I'll start the Don't know Isn't it so So 200 little girls are dead

Okay So that's I mean that's like a Yeah Welcome Dick I feel like the little computer chip That played Doom The human brain that they got playing Doom Welcome Dick

You want to Dick, you need to you love to you got it It's the show where it's a contest Can be live from Mountain Bunker Deep In the Harder City of Failure I'm your host Dick Masterson Showing me as always It's Johnny the Audio Engine Sean's not here for the 500th episode

Yeah. No attempts were made. He needs more time. I've been reflecting on my life. I realize I fucked it up. He's living on the North Sentinel Island, and every time we've tried to get close via helicopter, a bazillion spears come flying at us.

John's in a Dick's safe air location. A location I can't reach, like in the Matrix 2. Neo's in the train station. He moved to the floating garbage patch in the middle of the ocean. In Mad Max, that land of estrogen where all the women are, Greenland where there's no such thing as a wrong turn. That's where Sean is right now, guarded by 40-year-old lesbians.

They look 40, they're not 40, but they're home. All watching each other's kids because their husbands left them. Husbands were all abusive, though. Land of a million-day care center. But that's not why they're lesbians. So there are totally other reasons. Because the same reason that gay guys, that's why. Same reason that gay guys like weeners in their butts.

It's the same reason. women have found each other to raise kids that they also like weirners in their both they hate it they don't even they love the idea of it well love and hate you know

two sides of the same coin don't go there true I was hoping for a little nuke I just want to see a nuke man the older I get the more I want to see a nuke now I get it

now I get Lindsay Graham the older you get man these boomers, they just want to see a goddamn nuke. Yeah. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong to want to see a nuclear bomb annihilate millions of people? Is that so wrong? You know, we've been getting teased with it this whole time.

I know, man. You bring a gun out into play. I got to see that gun go off. I was told, stop dropping, fucking whatever, and nuclear bombs are going off. I just sign a waiver to see this play. I paid big money I paid big money I paid big tax money

I'm in deservment of one nuclear explosion put it wherever put it in L.A. I don't give a fuck put in L.A. It'd be the same thing as blasting it off in Turan, right? A bunch of goddamn mountains my wife asked me all the time what if they did New Carolina? I'm like, you see all the fucking mountains? You know why

the city made me rebuild our deck? We'll be the safe for the same reason that the city made me build a deck the same deck twice because of the fucking mountains that have been here for 300 million years. We'll be all right. Don't worry about it. We have more bullets than probably this whole city block until you get down into the Mexican area. Then they got more bullets, but that's fine.

The worst part about a nuke going off in L.A. would be hearing about it for the next million years. Oh, God. You know, a nuke went off over here. Like, yes. Yeah. We were all there when it happened, too. We were all there. Now I'm just fantasizing about it.

So my urologist calls me. and then he says And I said, oh, great. So did you figure out what that kidney stone was? Let me make sure this is going. Yeah. So did you figure out what the kidney stone was? What do I got to do?

And don't tell me to cut out salt or beer or meat or popcorn because I'm not doing it. Or stop watching pornography. Don't tell me it's any of those things. Or stop saying N-word and F-sler. My wife tried to tell me, can't say that around the baby anymore. I said no to her, so I'm definitely going to say no to you. Did you say no comma? And then one of your, one of the good words? Oh yeah, I did. Yeah. Oh, obviously. Of course. I said, hell no. I said them both. Oh, but not like I dub stuff.

I said, tell me the good word, doc. My wife makes fun of me for calling doctors doctor. I'll say, hey, what's up, doctor? Thank you, doctor. Is that weird? She says it's like Mexican. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? She's like, yeah. She should be doing it too then. Well, she says because she worked in so many low-income Mexican school, she's like, that's what they do. They call you by your profession. Like, they call me teacher.

I'm like, I don't know about that. I just say, hey, what's, like, thank you, doctor. Because, like, every doctor, first of all, they all have fucking spaghetti names. Like, it's like some kind of Jewish name or Armenian name. I'm like, man, there's too many

Gs there. Like, I don't fucking no I hate names to begin with I'm not learning your name it's part of the fee I'm just gonna go with doctor right oh thanks Dr. Magrall Stunowitz

whatever oh it's actually Dr. Mushanagl I'm just like alright man I don't fucking care it's doctor is it weird did you say thanks doctor? What are you supposed to like Bugs Bunny and just say what's up doc I've said that a couple times I mean it's a great line but

sometimes the doctor will be younger and get absolutely no respect for me. What's up, pussy? Happy 500 episodes, everyone. I want to take all the wisdom that I've learned in how many years? Twelve years? God. Of podcasting?

It's mostly just say whatever you think and then work on controlling what you think more than what you say. That's the... That is the key. Don't worry about Coming up with something to say. Just say whatever, but then Jesus Christ, watch what you're thinking.

Watch what you're thinking. Put more effort into what you're thinking than what you're saying, and everything will work out for you. And also, don't do it. Don't get involved. Don't get involved with any of these people. They're all fucking horrible. They're all horrible. Oh yeah, my urologist calls me.

I said, hey, did you figure out the whole, uh, you figure out the whole kidney stone thing? Why do I have it? It's something with my wife, right? It's too much nagging, right? And he goes, oh, um, we lost it. So what do you mean you lost it? What do you mean you lost it? He goes, yeah, I don't know.

Did they get it from you? And I said, how do you know you lost it if you're asking if they did you get it from me? He goes, well, it says in the chart that they got it, but we don't have it. So are you sure they got it? Bro. Come on, man. Come on Come on

Do your fucking job Where is it then? Do you have like an Indiana Jones Locker of piss jugs She pissed it out She fucking stole it She popped it like a little fucking snack She was like a Chinese nurse man

Yeah dude that's She grounded up like a rhino horn Yeah It's like this guy's got a big old dong I'm gonna grind up this horn She lipped it She tucked it in like a fucking snooose She fucking snooced

And tobacco pouched my kidney stow Because it's got those edges so it would cut up her mouth Right get it in there faster Cut up her guns She needed the calcium man That's disgusting that bitch probably did do that Because where would it have gone? That's what I asked

This fucking weird out Let me talk to your boss And he comes on and he goes Yeah we lost it It happens this French guy and goes We lost it He ate it if he's French dude And then I had the weirdest

conversation ever I was expecting this to go smoothly. I don't know why. I was really expecting this to go smoothly, right? It's one of those things where like a difficult conversation is like a breakup and you have, like you really got to prep yourself up, right? Right.

I don't like you anymore. I don't want to see you. Or you could just sometimes just go in like, you know what, fuck it. Like, hey, I don't want to, I was actually just interested in having sex with you a couple times. Right. I don't want to date you.

Like, I'm out of here. And just say it. Put yourself on autopilot and say it. And then inside you're like, that is the best way to do things. Just like, get yourself in that delta wave mode. You know, that delta brainwave mode and just let it out. Fuck your shit up real quick. Works for apologies too.

I put myself in this higher delta wave like autopilot where the talking comes. And inside I'm like, yeah, don't apologize. You're giving them the power. I was like, ah, just do it. I said, yeah, I want a, I want a vasectomy, and I want it right now. I said, I want a vasectomy. What's the deal? Like, what's the, let's go?

You know, it's over Zoom. So, Colin actually, I was like, yeah, I want a vasectomy too. And he goes, it was like a record scratch. He looks up from his, looking to see where my kidney son was lost. He goes, rea. And he gets real quiet. And he goes, uh, have you, have you thought about this? I'm like, what the fuck?

What do you mean? It was like, uh, it was like how I imagined doctors talk to battered women. He goes, have you thought about these? Uh, what is, can I ask you, what is the reason? What is the reason? Why you want these, uh, vasectomy? Does your wife know about these? And I'm like, yeah.

What is this? It's my dick I could cut that shit off right here What do you mean? I feel like I'm getting more Pushback if I wanted to My penis cut off And a vagina put it in

Then just getting You know, whatever they do Cut your balls off Or whatever they do And I said, yeah Yeah, I thought about it Oh yeah, I want a vasectomy Yeah

And he goes, well, what's the reason? I said, well have a kid and I'm done having kids And he goes, oh You have a kid Okay, okay And you don't want to know And I said, no, this one's a fucking nightmare

To be honest with you And he goes, okay, okay, okay And your wife? She is, how does she, what does she think about these? Like, man, I don't know my fucking wife's. What business is yours? What my wife's opinion is?

It's my dick. It's my semen. I don't want it shooting around anymore. He goes, okay, okay, okay. I cannot, we cannot start right now, but legally, I have to give you 30 days to think about it. 30 days. Did you know that? You can't go in and get your penis cut off.

You got to have like a 30-day cooling off, period. Damn. Because too many guys were going in there and getting mesectomies. I didn't know that. Isn't it kind of weird? That's crazy. It's like getting a gun, man. yeah except it's a lot longer

and I said oh it's 30 days and goes yeah we and it's 30 days and I said okay um is there anything else I need to do and he goes Ah one more thing Do you want to be in my band

I said what What? Yeah I said what He goes you have a guitar behind you I have a band Only uh urologists and patients And do you want to be in it

We play a charity and uh charity gathers and stuff I'm like are you fuck are you fucking with me are you the real doctor

can you go find go get the real doctor there's some sort of insane person handling doctor calls today go find my kidney stone find a real doctor

give me the good information I said are you being serious yes yeah I send you the information I said all right all right so long

so I guess I'm in a band with the penis doctor I guess I'm in the penis doctor's band like the spin doctor yeah I was just about to say pocket full of urator uh... fucking full of all my kidney stones I couldn't

I've never been asked that by a doctor ah and where does what is are you sure for your decision yeah I'm sure fuck you Man.

I'm fucking second guess me, man. So then I found out that this is a real thing and a friend of my wife, her husband was doing the same thing. And in the 30 day period, he knocked up his fucking wife again. In the 30 day cooling off period, he fucking knocked up his wife a third time. I said, oh, fuck. I don't even want to know that that happened to somebody because now, like I said, you got to be careful what you're thinking about because now I'm thinking about

I got that little guy in me thinking about saying that would be fucking funny man that little... It's not funny dude don't even... It's funny though. You can't even just... It's not funny. It's not even tragic dude it's just like it was like a thought

passing by in the ether that like you looked at a little too long and just let it keep going down that river man. Jesse Lee Peterson is right. He says, thoughts are from Satan. They are, man. You just watch them go by.

And ever since I heard him say that, I'm like, man, they really are. Now I see all my thoughts thinking in. You've got to sit by that river, man. That's from fucking Satan, man. It's thinking that. It's 30 days. It would be pretty funny if the same thing happened to you. And I say, get out of here, Satan.

Get the fuck out of here. Fucking D, dog. Get that the fuck out of here. That shit. Get the fuck out of here with that shit, Satan? Mm-hmm. The temple isn't built yet, Satan. You don't get to come around me, Satan.

The temple is still a mosque. The red heifer has been slain, yes. But the temple has not been erected on Mount Mordor. Well, the white heifers are at Disneyland. The white heifers have been fattened up, and they're all at Disneyland. Measuring, testing the seaworthiness of roller coasters. I saw a Pixar exec. said or somebody at Pixar was asked why they got rid of the LGBT story in Helio.

It was some, I tried watching it. It totally fucking sucked. It was like, it was like a Mexican, some kind of like cocktail of South African mystery meat, little boy. Like if I don't identify I mean I'm the prime demo, I'm half Mexican, I should be able to identify with this character. I don't quite identify

with Coco, don't quite identify with Mr. Incredible, a little bit of both. You gotta watch the split screen. I watch it side by side. Sometimes I've watched it Incredibles and I'm like, okay, I need a little bit of a Latin music, I need a little bit of a Baila, and I'll pause the Incredibles and then put on Coco and go like, Ooh, yeah, okay, I'm dancing.

I think a fucking great art project would be if you built a full Ofrenda, but cut it in half and then built the remaining stand, so you just had half an O'Frenda. What's in a friend of the shrine? The little, yeah. The shrines. You put pictures of Jeffrey Epstein and incense and all your favorite foods and shit. Yeah. So they got this, they've been building this house.

Like if you, you know how. I saw it, yeah. Okay. So you know how I live in this. mountain, right? Mountain bunker that a nuclear bomb wouldn't touch. Right. Because the blast would just

shoot up the mountain. Even even it was a giant ass bomb. What am I getting irradiated? Get out of here. We got right away for that, pussies. Yeah. I'll just blow it away. So my

mountain top here, the roads that we do have are very well kept by the city. But then there's a of dirt roads. The dirt roads, the double roads become single roads and then those become

kind of dirt roads and off by the dirt roads they're building it out. Somebody bought a bunch of land and was building this huge house over there where we walk the dog about a half mile walk from here. And it's been cool to see them do it because it's like all the

new construction and the new codes means it's incredibly elaborate. They did not need, they did not need like whatever, 200, fucking cubic yards of concrete to make this house, but they had to because of the codes. So it's cool to see. Wouldn't be cool to pay for. But then, then these two fucking, these dumb kids shot each other.

They were doing like a drug deal because it was out in, or doing something, who knows. Maybe they were having a cock sucking contest with each other. I don't know how these nitrous Noggins Right I don't know what they do In there

They get all hopped up on nitrous They start sucking each other's Cocks They were They were fighting over the same cock And They were so high on nitrous Right

It was like an auriborous Happening Turn out it It was their own Cod It's just one guy Sucking his own dick It was one guy

He was sucking his own dick He thought he was at a Orgy You got jealous So anyway I'm not going to use these anymore Anyway These two kids got shot

Over there And I was like All right You know whatever That's a bummer That would piss me off so hard What do you mean I'm building a brand new house And it's already got ghosts

So We walked by there this week And The Mexicans Erected a fucking Perma Shrine I knew it where they got shot, which happens to be right in front of the driveway of this beautiful, like, $2 million, all-glass, like elevator coming up, like, sunken in garage.

So it looks like a 60s supervillain pad. Rooftop, probably pool they're going to put up there. It's a beautiful house. but now it has this shrine in front of the driveway. So when you're backing out of the driveway, you always see this fucking shrine. And I'm thinking, obviously, this shrine has to be destroyed.

Absolutely. But they've got like cement planters in there. No fucking way. They put like, usually like a roadside shrine will have like a little cross or something. Right. You know? Which I hate, but. We all hate...

Does everyone hate those? I fucking hate those, man. I guess it's like a reminder to slow down on... If somebody goes out of control on the road, if there's a dangerous spot, sometimes it's like I can see... I can see that,

but I don't think they're doing a public service. I think they're doing a public annoyance. That's what it comes at, cross as. Yeah. Because you're not lobbying to put like a slowdown sign. It's like a distracting, like, gigantic cross in a in a senior high school picture

like okay growing up living around white people exclusively when some kid got hit it was like a they put up a whole big memorial thing similar at least but it didn't it wasn't permanent but it was also like a hey everyone could you please slow down

this is you know and it was like a yeah it was a little more thoughtful than like here's this big display if you touch it I'm going to kill you next type shit Like, come on. Gun violence is not really a appropriate.

It's more like a candlelight thing, but you gotta get rid of it then. Yeah. Why is it out? It's like this one, it's like a shrine. And it's so out of the way. It's on a dirt road.

So it's not like anybody's seeing it. It's like, it's just this one poor guy who has to see this fucking shrine in front of his brand new house out in a dirt road every day. He's got to put a camera and do like a day by day

like no one showed up this day this day and show like a month going by of like hey no one even shows up to fucking visit this I'm worried that he's just going to leave it up because he's the if it gets destroyed he's the prime suspect right now that makes me think

I could destroy it and then get him killed and then we could take his house I'm going to show up and get him to sign like a weird contract that gives... Give him a candy graham, yeah. Just sign here.

His house, if something were to happen to him. I'll talk to his wife. You know... You know, the bombs might be coming if you want some space. It's just so... It's so annoying. You guys put this shrine up where these kids... Where your retarded kids got shot.

Obviously, they're up to no good. Yeah, why are we memorializing that, yeah? But you put it up, like, right in front of this fucking guy's... house. And it's a bunch of, it's just more listening to, it's all, it's all listening to music

on your speakerphone. It's a whole, yeah, it's a whole culture, it's a whole universe, bottom quintile listening to music on the speakerphone. Did you see they made that

illegal on Southwest or United or something? I did. I might have a video of that. Let me see. I hear my son's up. I couldn't tell if it was real or not, but if it is, I am all for that.

Dude, isn't that great? Let me find the video. Okay, yeah, United Airlines. If you play music on your speakerphone, you will be kicked off. You'll be kicked off. That's what it says. Let's see here.

They should just say whoever listens to their speakerphone is gay, and it'll stop immediately. You will be kicked off and raped. You will be gay raped while you're getting kicked off. Passenger removed. from flight after not complying with the headphone rules. So there's new rules on United that say you can't listen to music if you're not using headphones.

I paid money for it at 50% sound. You know what? I can tell that she needs to lose weight just from the way she's shouting. Well, that's why the caption is so big is to hide her. Yeah, what's up with that? So this is a woman on a flight, a Latino woman. She's probably a paralegal Or she works at a dentist's office

You can kind of tell Drives a white Altima Yeah drives a white Altima Big fan of Jack in the Crack Two baby daddies probably One named Aiden Both got Edgar haircuts She's got fake tits

Even though she's 300 pounds Big fan of hot Cheetos Loves them Loves hot Cheetos Loves lion Yeah Loves being a lot of toxic fucking, you know.

Love tahine. Because I said that sounds like a you problem. You'll stop. Head oh, like they didn't accept that. And that sounds like a damn horrible. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's got the Latina, the fucking medicine ball. The Latinas sometimes have a head. They look like a head on a medicine ball where you could only tell the body shape. is just a giant half-sphereoid. And you could draw lines like maybe the tits are here.

Maybe they're over here. Maybe the separation. One on each side. Yeah, maybe they're like, maybe the cleavage looks like this. Maybe it looks like this, like an arrow. Maybe it looks like an upside down. You. It looks like those VIP cars with the camber on the tires like this.

Yeah. Kind of like that. Yeah. She's got that. Man. If only the arm. wasn't off dying for Israel. They could be on this flight. I just wish there was a little Foo's Gone Wild logo in the bottom corner. Fus Gone Wild? You never seen Fus Gone Wild?

No. That's like the funniest, that's been the funniest page forever. Foo's Gone Wild? No, I haven't seen that. Oh man. Fooz Gone Wild. Shout out to Foo's Gone Wild. No. Oh, hand no. The sheriff's in there. Yeah. She has a little tiny backpack to emphasize the gigantic size of her ass. That's actually a duffel bag.

Oh, man. Good start. Yeah, lady, I paid money for a lot of things, and the experience is not what you would expect. I paid money for these guys to take you off the flight and beat the Chimichangas out of you. You know what I paid money for the other day? paid money for it the other day? A fucking $8.99 Cent bean and cheese burrito.

I was like, when the fuck did that get so expensive, man? What the fuck? That shit was like, you'd get it because it was $3.99. What do you mean? It's fucking $8.99. I know, man.

And I'm only 45. I can't take this. I'm going to have a price-induced heart attack by the time I'm 80. Paying $95 for a fucking double cheeseburger. The jack in the box. I'm going to stay stuck in my ways of

100 bucks a day. But yeah, what a fucking ultimate cheese burgers. No, you're not because I used to have $20 a day. I did too. It used to be like, oh fuck. It used to be 59 cents for a taco supreme and oh you've just pissed me off for stuff. You could get away on 20 bucks a day. Do you? 12 bucks for food. Like a king, you would have 12 bucks for gas something ignorant of the gas or 12 bucks for food something ignorant at the gas station and like a gallon gas. I used to never think about how much stuff cost. Like, I just had a normal job, and I never thought about it. Yeah. And now I do.

Constantly. And I'm like, I was not making any money back then. After this show, I'm just going to drive straight off the mountain. And the last thing anyone will ever hear from me. Drive through that trine. Just drive right through it. I will actually. And I'll leave a note that says, what do you mean my $20 a day? Went to a hundred bucks a day. And even that, still,

I'm like, ooh, that's still cutting it real tight, like. It's just fucking brutal, man. God damn it, man. The hundred bucks a day thing is one of the smartest things I've ever said. I live by that, man. It's just, it's impossible to stay under. It's so hard.

It's fucking... I was, I was killing it this month on my credit card. No, I was keeping it, everybody chiseled down. I was returning toys like the fucking Grinch. Yeah, fuck him. He doesn't need that toy. Send it back. You get him dog toys, man.

You can use the dog toys, send this one back. And then the hospital sent, they said, oh, we forgot to send you your, uh, having the, your, your, your delivery bill. And I said, what? Oh. What do you mean? What the fuck? There's five grand.

I said, you gotta be, my wife goes, how are poor people having kids that? They don't, they don't pay for shit. That's how. They don't pay for fucking anything. Yeah, we just get fucking raked over the coals for it to fund all that. And now I'm like, should we get divorced? Like, should we just, like, convert to being Somalians? Can I fill out of form?

It says, like, I'm a... She's a single Somalian. She's tall and skinny. Maybe I could put a little helmet on her, like, from spaceballs. Put her in blackface. This is my Somalian, uh, baby mama. Give her some fucking welfare. Little thing of Kiwi shoe polish.

Five grand. Take them back. What? The fuck. I wouldn't... You got robbed, Chief. I got the little mask on fucking gunpoint. The airlines, look, it's a good start.

First, it's on airlines. You're making noise, listening to videos. Just look at a reaction. You know what's right because of a reaction. Can't barely speak. Oh, can I pay for this? I paid for this listening to my videos? Yeah, I paid for...

Probably a fitness video. Probably a workout video. She was getting a workout in before going to see her puppy. In me, I mean. I gotta do my workout on the plane before I get to Miami Looking like a fucking grandma Went straight from

Being a little gordita To a fucking abuela Skipped the whole Hot ass Skip the weather girl Jumped right over weather girl Mexican women used to have A child

Weather lady Aboela But now they just go ahead And jump over Super Mario The Weather Lady And go straight to straight from Gordita all the way to You used to have a fat little tomboy

Hot ass weather lady Old ass Sabuela Now it's just little Gordita Fucking Gordita Suprema Yeah they just There's no escaping the fatness man The answer is not in that video Yeah

Probably like a Selena documentary trailer that she was watching You know what You've heard of Selena. Selena was the last skinny one, and because she got... They're all... Yeah, they're all mourning.

Yeah. They're mourning so hard they have to look like her killer, not Selena. No, none of us are going to be... God. God. Okay. Send those toys back. I sent back two.

I sent back two books this week. My wife tried to sneak little kids' books by me. He said, no books in this house. Get them the fuck. You know what they were? You wouldn't think you'd get fucked buying children's books. Would you? Dude, I went to Barnes & Noble the other day.

Expensive. Not as bad as I would have thought. Yeah. But the kids' books, dude, just walking around and seeing any books, it's all just like DEI. Oh, really? Oh, really? There's a whole inclusivity sections.

And, you know, here's how to deal with these people. Here's how to tolerate. And it's like, what the fuck kind of shit is this? I don't know, man. I got to start getting keyed up for the DEI inclusivity fights over elementary school. Dude. I'm telling you, it was the one of the- I'm gonna wear like a big America suit.

I'm gonna wear a clan robe for the first PTA meeting. When I had to sit through DEI training, I would just make shit up because I'm like, what do you mean at a time I've experienced racism? Like, I'm using- Oh, so you get to sit down on the, the victim one, right? Well, no, so. So wait, let me just say, for DEI training, at least the ones that I'm familiar with,

they will separate, the consultant comes in, and they separate the groups by white and non-white. And then the white people get a guilt trip, and this is 100% true. And the minorities get a, you're going to be coached on how you're a victim, uh,

um, session. Oh, no, it was much more. What did you have? So I, I had this one that had to be a zoo.

Zoom call midday while I had shit going on. That was much more important and kind of necessary. Literally anything. Literally anything. Yeah, I could have been on my lunch break. Yeah. But they would make us all sit on these fucking three hour long Zoom calls. And it would be some lady telling us like, okay, here's your group of 30 people.

And it was like all my coworkers who are all absolutely different backgrounds, not by, not by DEI hires just because it's like, Hey, we all recognize no one wants to do this job. So if you're here, it's because you want to be. Not as you have to be. And so we're like... It's music, too. I mean, it's a bit different than like... We would see people from all over the world.

It's not like we're sitting behind the cubicle dealing with the same 10 people every day. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay. Like, you know, you just get exposed to everything. And so it's like, we're sitting there. You're aggressively pursuing new things. Like, that's the nature of art. There's no...

We can't have a DEI. initiative in artistic fields because the nature of art is to pursue we're collaborating together for the higher thing yeah yeah you know and so it's just like now they would break it they would go through this whole packet we'd have to sit there and it was just like a whole annoying thing and then we had to break off into groups of four yeah talk about tell us about a time where yeah basically it was like tell us about a time where you felt you were experienced a racial incident and then tell us a time where

you may have been prejudiced too and I was like yeah well you see for me like you know like I don't really fit in with anyone so people have called me such horrible things like Armenian and just like I would just I would and people were like you know because we all like the look on me horrible things

like Armenian Jewish black and I would just like I'd play into it and I'm like I'm like I'm sure you guys right now couldn't guess what I am. I mean, I'm sure you could get your best guess, but you know, you would... So, I'm in there kind of just like, fucking everyone, because I'm getting, I'm getting text for my clients, like, hey, are you going to come back in any second? We need you.

And I'm like, I can't fucking... Can we do like a man, something that's related to men? Right. And then so, I was like, you know, in a time, I feel like I've perpetuated bias was like when I got cut off traffic on the way to work today. I'm like, what do you mean? Like, what... It was all just...

It's all just... It's all just... All those white fragility books are like stream of consciousness. of a TSA agent yelling at the airport. They're totally fucking retarded. Do you know Harriet Tubman wasn't real? What?

She got hit in the head with like a coffee can or something and was like suffering and was prone to like seizures and was basically just like retarded. Wait what? Yeah. This is real?

Yeah. What month is it? This wasn't told to me in February. It wasn't told to me I think they waited until February is over. Much like Helen Keller. Well, she was, she was real. She got kicked in the head by a tomato can?

It's all. all the stories of all the great things. Much like Helen Keller. I don't even know what stories she did. She had an underground railroad. That's all I know. Man. Slaves used it.

They ran away. That's, well, that's all fucking bullshit, apparently. Like the PCH for black people. Pretty much. But,

dude, I'm just like, man, I'm just so tired of everything, man. Why can't we just like... You know why people will hike the whole side of the U.S.

for fun? Black people did it too, but it wasn't fun. Like, yeah, I know. That's a theme. Yeah, Lewis and Clark just did it because they have no natural predators. We did it for... We did it for survival. Okay.

But no, it was like, they made us all sit through it. And I'm like, it's just like everyone was kind of sitting there like, we like... We don't really experience. In the middle of Hollywood in the music industry, we don't really experience it. Well, and it was like they were lumping us in with everyone in like, the corporate offices. It's hard to disentangle racism from like advertising in the music industry. Yeah, it's all. Look at this. The first black Grammy. Like, when have you experienced racism? Like, I don't know, everything you just saw in there. Basically my entire career.

It's affirmative action, the job. Like, yeah. Which it should be. It's the point of it. I agree. What that's like to lump us in with like, here's everyone who works in an office and then here's you guys who experienced the world. as it comes to you. And it's like, oh, yeah. My wife had to do one of those, a diversity, like, class. And she got, because she's, you know, half Mexican too. So they put her in the Mexican one. And she got kicked out.

She got kicked out because they would go around the room and go, like, one of you experienced racism? And they're like, and they're all saying, like, I mean, my nails are too long. And I get told that I can't do my jump because my nails are too long. And people try to touch my hair. People try to touch my hair. And she's like, I don't, I don't, uh, none.

And they, so they took her aside. They took her side at the end of the first day. And said, maybe you would, maybe your experience, uh, is more suited to the other group. And she says she walked another group as all the white people. And they just get told that, like, how to notice microaggression. She's like, what the fuck is this? Yeah, dude. Uh, and I was like, well, that's got to be better because, you know, for obvious reasons.

It's all just was a cash grab, man. in hell. You want to be in white hell. It was just like they were, I feel like they were just making shit up because that in and of itself shows that there was no standard way of going about these training. It's just like, you know, like, hey, here's a department

with too much funding. Why don't you just cash the fuck in on it? I almost thought about starting a DEI business just to go be like a fucking suburb. Well, I think the top is in. Yeah. If there, if companies are willing

to kick people off planes for, I almost said being black, for listening, but I don't mean that, for listening to music

on their speaker phones, the top is in, I fucking told everybody, the top is in. When that guy, then the Touretz guy, who has no control, who's going to say the N-word,

the more he knows he shouldn't, the more he doesn't want to, the more he's going to say it, right? you think about. If I had Tourette's, if I had Tourette's, I would never say it. The serpent was

on a fucking branch somewhere. Exactly. And he's putting it there. With a much different letter, yeah. He's putting it there. Because he's like, don't say it, don't say it,

don't say it, don't say it. I mean, I could have Tourette's and you'd never know, right? Never have I thought, don't say it. That was the top. When that reaction, we got to hang that guy

for saying, like, oh man. Guys, You're violating a social contract And once the contract start being violated You're not gonna like the way it goes There's gonna be shit in the streets You're gonna be kicked off planes

For using your speaker phones And if there's one thing That white people know how to do It's NARC And follow the rules That's the one That's the one thing More than any other

You look go all around the world and go one by one Asians how's the rule following here horrible how's the narking pretty good okay yeah Africa nope uh what else we got here white people what do you guys oh wow following the rules narking 10 out of 10 fucking trans flip the action figure over 10 narcing 10 following the rules man they're going to get away with it and then it's going to be buses and then it's going to be waiting on the sidewalk If you're listening to a fucking speaker phone on the sidewalk, we're going to fucking kill you.

It's when it has to come down to. We could do whatever we want because the government's busy in Israel. We could do whatever. We could rob City Hall. They sent all the cops to Israel. They sent all the cops to Iran to arrest kids for breathing in oil that belongs to the U.S. government. They blew up all the oil factories,

and the oil's floating all around in the air, and the kids are breathing it in, and the government said, that's our oil. You're under arrest for theft. drag that kid into drag that kid into Quintanamo Bay and squeeze the oil out of him like Willie Wonka

Send him to Alligator Alcatraz To send this fucking kid to Alligator Alcatraz Squeeze that oil out of their head Right Speaking of Alcatraz They should just reopen it In this dilapidated state Because it's like

Well now it's just even more dangerous And insane Alcatraz? Fuck it Yeah I put some fucking dry How about those Air drop them on there Peace

Like Fortnite Exactly Brand it, Fortnite. Real life, Fortnite Island. Fortnight Island, yeah.

Drop them guns and stuff. No guns. Just like, here's a loaf of fucking Wonderbread and a thing of peanut butter. Like, there you go.

Knock yourselves out. So there, have you noticed a lack of videos from the war? Mm-hmm. I assume that means we're losing

because there's no videos. It's got to be, right? And then I saw a video today. of a bunch of oil raining out of the sky. All right. So these are the people that Trump told to rise up against their

presser. Which he should be telling us to rise up against our presser. Right. Should be blowing up our oil refineries or whatever. At least... Telling us now is the time to rise up.

At least letting us have oil refineries. Fuck. Yeah. But that's the whole thing, right? It's crazy. If you'd blow up a girl's school, there's a girl school around here, blow that up,

everybody lose their fucking mind. Um, what was I going to say? Oh, yeah. There's no videos, though. So I assume it's going badly. It's gotta be, right? I don't know.

In a world where there's a video for fucking everything you could possibly imagine. Well, the videos all disappeared overnight. And then there's like a bunch of AI videos. They said, oh, okay. I think it's going badly. I don't know, though. Then the newspapers wrote an article about the raves that are happening in Israel,

underground raves in the bomb shelters. I said, okay. That's probably a bad sign. That's a bad sign, I guess. And then I saw a bunch of Israeli commandos got airdropped into 11. and blew up a bunch of people looking for the bones of like a guy that died 40 years ago they started digging up graves looking for

like fucking long john schlomo or something some some airman let me read it it's so retarded it's like when they it's like when the idf was trying to find that woman her husband's balls so she could get the semen or his semen from a semen factory Do you remember that article? There was a whole Atlantic article about it where the IDF was sent out a special

Missing Force like saving Private Ryan but it was to rescue the semen from a seaman bank that this woman's dead husband left there so she could get impregnated by his sperm still and it was totally it was totally stupid that sounds like the dumbest shit

yeah god damn they're doing a lot of like Looney Tunes stuff. Maybe that's just what they're, maybe that's just what's going on in their heads, right? Like there's baby heads getting chopped off and

semen factories exploding and they got to go find a corpse of a guy of a guy that died 40 years ago and dig him up and bring him home. That's retarded shit that like if my girlfriend said let's do let's do that, I'll go, no, that's retarded. I don't want to do that.

The grave digger is going to be pissed about that one. Is he? let me read it and see if I got it right. Yeah, wait, wait, wait. A Tehran resident who had welcomed military action against Iran tells CNN he feels destroyed after his friend was killed in a U.S. Israeli airstrike. I was waiting for war. I was begging for it.

I didn't expect to get involved so quick. What's the fuck to you? Somebody grew up today, I guess, is what that means. You want it, you got it. Life comes at you fast, bud. Yeah, Israeli commandos try to find a guy, Israeli forces disguise themselves as Lebanese soldiers.

Okay, that sounds normal. And killed 41 people all to social. Okay. all to search for the bones of an Israeli pilot who went missing in the 80s. They dug up a graveyard,

a local resident from the Lebanese town of Nabichit pointed at the empty grave saying they thought he was there, but there was nothing. So a bunch of retarded commandos went in and dug up a grave and was there like evidence that they were gay in the guy's Skellington or something? Why would you do that?

Why would you do any of this? Why would you do any of this? That's fucking insane. They're blowing up each other's desalination plants so that none of them can have any water. And I would feel bad, but, you know, I don't know, I'm kind of old enough to know that half of every country

just is bloodthirsty maniacs who train their kids to be bloodthirsty maniacs and then send them to meat grinders to be sacrificed and turned into little cubes in order to satisfy some insane bloodlust and then they throw parades for themselves for having done it. And the other half of a country is not. So it's hard to say you nuke a big city or drop or blow up an oil refinery and let a trillion gallons of

you know toxic irony poison of an entire town half of them deserved it for sure the other half really didn't but speaking as the other half

I do want that other half dead so it's win win right like half of America are bloodthirsty lunatics that just love seeing missiles blowing up other countries because it makes their dick hard

because they feel like they win that even though they couldn't tell you how any part of the missile worked or how we got to this point or anything. I do want I recognize that and I hate them and I do want them dead so if I were to get

and having that feeling in me that sin feel like yeah if I got nuked with them I would deserve to die too Because I, yeah, okay. I guess nobody really gets out alive. I guess there are no innocence, but whatever. No number greater than one, man. It's funny.

Okay. Let's see. New York bill would ban AI from answering. Did you see the little brain? They had a little computer chip. They had a human neuron in it that was playing Doom. Oh, yeah. that's one of the first times

I've stopped and gone What the fuck? No Don't do that Yeah Oh Yikes Because usually they have like computers

Pretending to think Doing AI shit And I say that's not That's just like a bunch of math And magic tricks But then they got a human neuron Hooked up To a computer playing Doom

And I thought Uh oh that's going to be a problem it's pretty cool they like they basically rewrite Doom so bad moves will give the human neuron

high electrical stimulation so like a now when you touch a 9 volt battery to your tongue kind of and the human neuron doesn't like that so it will make decisions that will lessen the input because that's what it wants. And it's describing this. Like, that's really like, that's basically my day, what you're describing.

So I really empathize with this human brain cell that you guys have in a Petri dish. In your CIA-funded cloud cortex startup. Uh Hmm I don't know Something to look out for It was cool Uh

Chat GBT GBT versus the law Yeah yeah yeah A New York bill would ban AI from answering questions related to medicine Medicine Law

Dentistry Nursing I can't imagine what question you would Have for a nurse Other than where the fuck is the doctor or where's my goddamn kidney stone

where is my god what damn kidney stone where is the goddamn vikidin psychology social work and engineering and more they always tag

they always throw engineers in to get like to to seem like what they're saying is valid yeah because like they have like medicine okay

uh I could see how it would be a problem. I could see how it would be a problem if Chad GBT is doing medicine. I've asked Chad GPD some medicine stuff and it's way way, way, way dangerously off. Law is totally

retarded. So what happened was a woman asked Chad GBT for help and it told her to fire her lawyer and then it gave her like a bunch of case law that doesn't exist

and like shit to file that this doesn't exist and she just passed it on like a secretary so it totally fucked up the court case the other people spent like $300,000 fighting her

and lost obviously because this is all just made up bullshit but now they're freaked out because the the weaknesses that anybody could do that

Yeah. Like, that's, you shouldn't need a lawyer to go to a judge and say, these guys are, they fucked me over. Just look. Like, everything should be Judge Judy. Like, yeah, I bought this thing and I signed this contract and, you know, they're, like, taking my likeness and using it or they're, they raped me. that wasn't in the thing, right? But that's not how it works. You got to hire a lawyer,

and then the lawyer writes this document that's like totally retarded, and then a judge who's retarded reads it because they've all spent like 20 years reading retardo language, and they understand, like they've all just trained in being able to read and process and speak

a language that is fucking retarded when everybody in the world knows right versus wrong even people who don't subscribe to it like immigrants yeah but how else are you supposed to value or debate the merit

of whether someone said of instead of instead of if yeah exactly it's so it's so fucked up like I don't know this idea that okay medicine yeah yeah I actually

um It's stupid to stop Chachy Beach from doing it, but it's horrible at it. It's horrible at medicine. Although sometimes it's not. Like, when you're desperate, doctors don't know, doctors know exactly a subset. Like you come in, they'll fix 90% of your problems, but if you come in with anything obscure, they just, they have no fucking idea. And they don't have time to do it, right? So you just sit on chatchipedee all day.

Like, is it this, is it this, is it this. But law is so, law is so backwards and fucked up. the fact that people are doing lawsuits and most of them are not their own lawyer means that the system is totally broken that's like the whole point of America that everyone has access to a judge and a jury everyone has access to the legal system

and nobody has access right now they really they really don't like I mean even like even rich people don't have access to the legal system because it will cost how much does it cost to do a to file a lawsuit somebody like a hundred thousand dollars it's a shit ton man it's a shit ton it's crazy um i hope they don't i hope they don't win it but these goddamn lawyers in their stupid bar making it impossible to number one be a lawyer and number two sue anybody or do anything uh the ai hallucinated an entire

legal career and nobody noticed for months a open a i's being sued for 10 million dollars Well, I don't know. I hope they win that one. The shape store, did you see that? Is that real? Are black people really going to a? Shave store, man. Have you seen the, have you seen the Shave store? No, I saw the Shap Store. Let's see here. Is this real? Is this real or is this AI? No, it's very obviously AI.

That looks real, Johnny. Look at this guy with fucking shoes. No shapes. You're saying that's fake? That's fake? These guys crawling, these hoods crawling through McDonald's land's play places, that's fake? Get the fuck out of here, no way. This is Mario. Two guys, two old blues, black guys playing chess in the shape store.

No, it's hype. Spinning around. No, that's real. That's fake, no way. It should be real. The Skelington launching missiles is tight. I've got a ball pit, too. The small world, shape store.

All right. I'm not going to play AI. I took my son to a little, like, baby gym. That's the shape store. Yeah, it's the shape store. It's the shape store. It's like that. put him on the slide

and kind of you know make sure he didn't whack his head and he loved that so I said oh man you're gonna love this right I saw a ball pit and I said you're gonna fucking love the ball pit right I wish I could be a baby and be in the ball pit that's how I go take him like oh yeah I'm all excited

I'm like yeah yeah okay all right you like the slide get a load of this shit we went over to the ball pit and I put him in the ball pit and like started easing him in and like he looks up and he looks up with this like

horrified look as he's sinking into the balls he's like he's looking up and I realize at that moment like oh shit uh

that must be a horrible feeling feeling like you're sinking into these balls and there's no bottom and it's like just gravity forever right? Because he's so small

that a ball pit it was only like this much but this much is too much I put him in he's like Ah! He starts screaming. Throwing up.

I'm like, oops. I got to get out of here. That's why, even as a kid, I was like, hmm. Like, I don't trust the ball fit. Yeah. Maybe that's like an older. Mayor Mamdami's wife said his wife is liking anti-Semitic posts on Instagram. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. guard searches. The Epstein guard, the woman, let me pull this up. The Epstein guard, the one who was guarding the prison when he got killed or switched, um, got $5,000.

Got a mysterious $5,000. And then she was searching shit right before he got killed or switched out. She was searching for shit on Google in prison for like latest on Epstein in jail. Meaning she was waiting for something maybe. meaning she's waiting for something to happen, like some news to come out on F-seen in jail.

This is what she's searching for. E.P. Right? USA jobs. So she's looking for another place to work. Furniture, Bronx, New York. This is after getting $5,000. So she's searching for USA jobs, looking for a new job.

Furniture, Bronx, New York. Ashley's furniture. Kenyatta Taste, which is another furniture store. Latest on Epstein in jail. Law enforcement discounts. How about that? Let me get a picture of her. Man.

Man, they swap that guy out. Oh, yeah. Not a bunch of other stupid Epstein shit. They have a picture of her? Come on. Let's see if she looks trustworthy. Oh, that's it. There you go.

Okay. 5,000. That's it. 5,000 bucks. You can't move 5,000 bucks like that. Hey, Dick, check out this fat-shaming teacher. Okay? Let's see.

One of the questions 9th graders were supposedly given asked how much a date with a 220 pounds girl would cost if a date with a typical girl that weighs

120 pounds would cost you $55. Okay, let's figure this out. So we got 210. 112?

120 pounds over 55 equals 220 120 over X. So that's 220 times 55. put the X over here

That's over 120 So we got X equals Way too fucking much I bet yeah That's the answer to that one You mean I'm paying a full KVQ thing for four people

For one bitch I need to know how much Of that $55 Is drinks though Versus appetizers Well you know them big girls Take a lot more alcohol Right

Andre the giant It's like a full barrel of wine to even get buzzed. Because she's going to show up having eaten too, so she's going to be pounding margaritas. Oh, so you already have to work through her extra value meal. Exactly. Oh, my God. Parent at one of the students who spoke through the outlets says the math teacher is generally well-liked. Where's the quiz?

You take these concerns seriously. It's pretty shocking. Yeah, I bet everyone's real fucking shocked. another question titled Mr. Chan versus the fat kid Part 2 I'd watch that movie What do these say?

The amount of money you spent on the date varies inversely on how much they weigh Oh, okay Derived the variation equation And then asked how much they could expect Yeah, we already read that The fat kid from last time Wouldn't be quiet about the candy

I was eating in front of him so I punted him into the air he said oh he's he's Chinese yeah I don't think they really understand that you can't make fun of fat people I don't think you're gonna yeah you can make fun of Chinese people

it was the fat people that was like I don't think I don't think you're gonna win that one I don't think you're gonna convince the Chinese that they can't make fun of fat people while everyone's running around going like oh right they gave candy to a other non-sequential

Quater questions with no relation to algebra. According to the Chronicle read, How tall are you and how much do you weigh? Followed by pretty or smart and why? Where is this quiz? Where is this fat quiz? What the fuck? I gotta see this.

Tom Chan. Tom Chan. Tom Chan, fat quiz. San Francisco teacher on leave. Oh, this is San Francisco. Of course, a Chinese guy's going to be saying some shit. Yeah. Who gives a fuck?

Come on, man. He wasn't saying how much is prep going to cost for a fat homosexual, was he? Because that would be way too far. He said how many homeless do we have to kill to eradicate off the streets so our dear leader can fucking feel welcome? Where's the fucking quiz, man? It's banned. The school has to be on top of it. He said, Vallejo.

said that if the allegations are true, the school needs to take action. There shouldn't be a girl's weight based on how much a gentleman is going to spend on their date, Norori said, referring to the test questions. That for me is a little disrespectful. He should know better. It's sexist to assume that a man's going to pay for...

It's a trick question because a man's not going to pay for fat woman's date. Well, Dick, here's the thing, man. Dollar menu doesn't exist anymore. Back when you could get by on 20 a day, dude, I'm not going to stop thinking about that. fucked me up so hard. Dude, it was 20 a day was plenty. Dude. It was plenty.

They always called hundreds of humble 20, but like, man. Yeah. Now I'm like, shit, that's just a regular every day guy, 20. Fuck. You could grab a 20 as like a teenager and that would be,

I mean... You could go through two days almost if you play it right. Yeah. You could do whatever you wanted. Man, that makes me fucking sick. Do we get to see any of this stuff? No, they're just doing like summaries.

How tall are you and how much do you weigh? Okay. Well, thanks for trying, buddy. We appreciate it. Meta glasses is sending your nude pictures to Kenya. Shape store. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

A fellow named Matt says, get this post-op tea on the show and ask about their neo-pussy. Okay. Jesus Christ. For a while, personally, when I was addicted to Adderall, the anphetamine-induced hypersexual psychosis, that shit's real. Sure. It's just real as fuck. Stimfabbing. Gooning nonstop.

I've heard it called Stimfapping. Stimphap. I'm an avid reader. of the R-Meth subreddit, which I highly recommend for people. The guys on there are really into stimp-fapping. 30 little secret of all the meth users out there that they're masturbating for like 20 to 40 hours straight. Literally.

No, yeah, Adderall is not that much different. I would have hundreds of porn tabs open, gooning for like three days straight and then I would have a seizure and blackout after. Like it was, it was nuts. Hell yeah. Like any other. Yeah, except some addictions are cooler than others for sure. Something I was addicted to.

Yeah. She has a vagina, that woman? A neo vagina? Yeah, it's got the matrix glasses on it and the trench coat. Man, have you talked to someone with a neo vagina? No. I don't think I have. I don't think I have.

Of all the people I've never talked to in this sport. I don't think I have. I've talked to a lot of people that bought bad stuff, though, that they regretted. I've talked to a lot of those people. I've talked to a lot of people like doing. construction work on their house. And the most important thing is you got to just be there monitoring every detail so they don't fuck it up, do a half-ass job, you know, they don't know the codes, they don't know

what's connected to what. I got to imagine that being a medically induced coma during that, rebuilding your deck will be bad, probably rebuilding your vagina is worse. Man. are they still doing that now they started getting sued I thought a long time ago I said

yeah as soon as doctors started getting sued for drilling a hole in your gooch and calling it a vagina as soon as they start getting sued for that being totally preposterous

and not living up to their end of the deal that's going to be the dot com bubble man got to cash it on some that's going to be the dot the neo vagina bubble is in it's crashing And that's a perfect example. Do you need a lawyer for that? Can you just walk into court and go,

yeah, this guy basically cut a hole in my go, Gooch area, and then just hollowed it out. I bought a vagina. He said he'd give me a vagina, and he did that. Okay. You awarded $50 million or $20 million. Do you need a lawyer for that? You do.

But it's retarded. You don't need a lawyer for that. You shouldn't. You shouldn't. It's fucking retarded. The legal system is not accessible. If that's not happening, then the legal system is just not accessible to people. You know what it is, dude?

It's just all these fucking lames who are so precious about, like, well, I read some words in Latin, and that's a dead language. So you got to understand that. People love their fucking books, man. People of their fucking books, man. They really do. They keep their trophies of all the books they read at their house. No, it's all the books they haven't read. You think someone's actually sat there and thumbed through a whole fucking

Almanac spread across fucking 10 books? Yeah. I don't think so, dude. I don't fucking think so. There's no way. You couldn't even sit through and thumb through all those books just like flip, flip, flip. Like, if you just flipped through and didn't read shit. They love having like encyclopedias.

It makes you. 30 volume set. It's the false sense of like, see, all this shit behind me that's in my fucking brain. Yeah, these are my generals. And it's like, those are all just Guy Fieri cookbooks.

What are you fucking talking about? You don't know any of those fucking things. That's why they put engineer on that list. Where was that list? It's like doctor, okay, lawyer, yeah. Oh, a psychologist. Huh, okay.

And engineer. It's like, well, I know you guys needed to put engineer on there. to give this list like credibility because none of that other shit works like even doctors

it doesn't like it gets you fix it gets better you hope that you're helping but you didn't fix it did you you'll even say you know this isn't going to fix your knee but it's just going to make it better for a while

and you'll have to get another surgery the engineer one fixes stuff makes it better and it's better forever I don't think we want you limiting AI when it comes to engineering? I just love that you can't do anything with audio engineering and AI, because as perfect as you can make something with sound, it takes someone with a substance problem to really make things

sound correct. You can't give computers a substance problem. Yeah. Can they? You can't make the computer smoke this much weed or drink this much IPA? No fucking way. Maybe that Doom computer they can. Because it's crazy.

They're going to spend all this money. They're going to spend all this money building these gay down. data centers, you know, burning water. Death tight. Yeah, making electricity shoot through the roof. And then they're going to just put everything in like one little human brain chip. Like, you know what? Actually, never mind. We don't need any of this stuff. We found out we could make it all work with just like a monster energy drink.

Turns out we built a data center with the neurons that just runs on monster energy drink. it's just so crazy to me because all this like tech race shit like yeah I get it because we're supposed to be using it for AI but it's like the same thing or the same like thought pattern I have behind like people like

Sam Harris or all these like deep thinkers where they're like where do our thoughts originate from and shit like that and it's like well even if you knew the answer let's say and you know some of these guys are so convinced they do have the answer it's like okay now that you know that like how is your life any different like oh you're still just the same ass

whole telling people how to live their life. Like, oh, okay. Like, nothing positive ever comes from it other than just to say what we did it. Yeah. And it's like, okay, cool. Let's say you proved God, now what? Like, oh, like, you're still a big beast of shit.

Okay, cool. Let's find him and kill him. I mean, that's half-life, right? All of this, all of the green energy people went from, we need to dump money into, like, doing windmills. Dutch propaganda, dude. To saying, oh shit.

Okay, never mind that. We actually need... Never mind that. We need more energy. But we do need to dump money into data centers. It's like, again, you guys again are... You're inefficiently spending money on something that could easily be... That will be replaced. They're trying to create these bubbles, man. Yeah, every single time. Fucking Mr. Bubble out here. Fuck that.

Antoids. All right. What do you got here? Antoids. Another shitty comment for the fucking opening chat, I'm sure. Antoids. Why? What did he say?

No, the other day? I guess a couple weeks ago. I don't know. Who's in chat being... Just look at it. Being funny, as always. It says, oh, it's a woman alert. Woman alert.

It says, you just got passed by a girl. That bumper sticker. You just got passed by a girl. Damn. These guys have. Figure, look at that. Oh, look at this. Look at this.

Oh, would you look at that. Just look at it. Just look at it. What the heck is that? Hell, yeah. Girl. How many jack-in-the-box bags do you think are in that car? Okay.

What else do we got here? Lord Dunksworth. Yes. One other woman to learn. woman alert you got it woman alert LA sparks star Cameron Brink

reveals that she hired a private chef but it ended up costing 7,000 a month which was more than her 6,500 a month WNBA salary I fucking hate the WNBA How are we killing Iranian little girls and the WNBA just is walking around. Like, at least they should be in prison.

If we're killing little girls in Iran, maybe they grow up to be terrorists. Maybe they grow up to be fat. We don't know. We should at least be imprisoning everyone at that level globally. Like, if we're... There, we don't know, you know. Some of them could come out good.

The WNBA, we know, is bad. Prison. Waste of money. Waste of money, at least. Here we go. I had a chef. Period. No, that was way too.

Do you want to know what she was charging me for one month? How much? Seven grand. Cambrink. I know. Absurd. Cambrink. Absurd.

For two people. For Benjamin and I. For three meals? Or just, I mean, meals? No. Not even for three meals. She was like shopping at Airwan, though. That was, that was the issue.

Stay away from Airwant. They're fucking retarded, dude. An Airwan powered chef? Dog. Is Airwan a national chain? No. It's like the Rolls Royce of dumb bitch shopping. It's super expensive shopping store.

You can find like a $40 bottle of water there. You can get like a, dude, they're a hot bar. Anytime. I've never even been in. Oh, dude. No, it's great. So fucking you can get like rice, you know, get like a whatever they got at the hot. bar. Yeah. It just said like a

pound and a half of food will run you like 60 bucks. And it's like you gotta be fucking kidding me. So she wouldn't even shop at Airwine. She hired someone. An even dumber bitch to shop at Airwan. You're adding a multiplier onto the Arawan price right there. This is what

women, man, they're like if we ever have like an intergalactic war and with like bugs or something, if they have shopping centers at that planet We're gonna take all the women and just shoot them over to that planet And they go bankrupt these motherfuckers

Well, because there'd be times where I'd be at Erwan just like man How are these bitches got like whole carts full of shit? And it's like fucking 3 grand for a fucking yeah I'm like holy shit like how many are you hiding playstations in there Like I'm just here because it's convenient and I can get some hot food on my travel No you're not supposed to grocery shop here right it's supposed to just look like a grocery store right So you walk in and pretend to be at a fucking grocery store you're supposed to shop here

well the crazy shit is there is regular priced items there too like what like one or two Captain Crunch they got one Captain Crunch box in there well you can get like like if you find like your Ramates or any of like the drinks and shit Okay that's all like about what you would expect But everything else it's like

I saw a little thing of pre-cut watermelon Dogg that shit was 25 bucks For a little container Like something you'd pack in your lunch, not like something you put in a fridge. Yeah. Fucking women. They're all like this, too.

Bro. Can I spend $7,000 this month on a chef? No. Can I have a piece of bread? Yes. The shit people used to say about... Like, they don't think at all how much anything costs. They can't.

The shit people used to think about Whole Foods being overpriced? Like, Arawan makes that shit. Looks like the 99 cents store. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Whole Foods is Amazon now. Yeah. So it's just like, it's like at an efficient rape price.

Right. If you go into Whole Foods, Amazon has figured out exactly how much you can be raped. Mm-hmm. And you will be raped. Arawan just says, fuck that. 5,000% on everything. Everything. All right.

Let's hear this. Fuck that place. Actually, I love heroin. Sorry. I'm like, that's a treat for me, though. That's crazy. My contract is 70K. We cannot be doing.

That is more than my salary. That is crazy. than my salary. That's insane. No, and it was, we started right when I got hurt. She's a great person, by the way. You're like, ma'am, I have a membership of Costco. Like, I'm going to go to Costco.

I'm going to go to In and Out. I'm on a weight gain program anyway, so let's just go to In and Out. You need to get off that program. I'm going to wake game. Let's go on a TECTA. So weird to see women talking to each other. That's the Bechtel test. Just cackle fast.

if they're not talking about men they're just talking about eating that's all they that's all they do about tapping their nails on every surface known to man yeah yeah how fat are you

I'm too fat I need to be fatter I'm too fat that's a different Bechtel test do you have two women in your movie that are not talking about food do you have a woman in your movie

that's not talking about fucking soup or some kind of macaroni and cheese or some kind of quark chungas fucking bullshit man dude. That is my Dick Masterson's anti-beckdel

test. Does your movie feature a woman that doesn't talk about fucking food the entire movie and shove it into her fat face? Some kind of like a signature fat fuck food like tacos. I eat 40 tacos

every time I could eat a fucking taco. Dude here's some dating advice for all you lonely fucks out there. Just get like one of those old school rabbit traps with a big cardboard box and a stick with a string on it and just put a bowl of soup underneath. Yeah, anything.

Put a bunch of scraps like for a pig. Put a Twilight book, yeah. Put a watermelon rind in there. Just walk out to a bus stop. Well, don't do a watermelon rind there. Put airwine. Get an airwain rapper. Go get something that only you could get at Airwans so

she'll, you know, get some food that she'll recognize from her home fucking grazing from her preferred grazing ground. Get an Airwant receipt and put it in a bunny trap. She didn't think once like, what do you mean this shit's

going to cost me seven grand a month? They have never thought about what? Anything cost ever. Oh my God, that makes me fucking sick, dude. All I think about is how much shit costs. My wife says we need to buy this baby jail

for when he starts crawling. When your son starts crawling, it's like a So it's safety for them to crawl around I said okay She goes I'm gonna get it now And I look over and it says same day delivery I said you're not gonna get that now Fucking same day

So he starts crawling just boom hit it same day It's gonna show up that day She goes She looked She goes Okay fine So I was sick all And that was like two weeks ago

It hasn't crawled He's still up doing the You know he gets on and so you can crawl backwards we can't crawl once they start crawling they're crawling all around we can't crawl I said wait

no you're gonna wait till he crawls and then hit it it'll be there the same day you can set it up just fine so I was sick all week I'm just getting out of my sickness what do I hear knock knock knock knock

so what's that because well you were sick it's the baby it's the baby jail I got it I got the baby jail because I was weak

because I was in my I was in bed recovering for a week yeah there's a satanic thoughts man uh huh I see what happened here

one day cats away dude uh Francis says I had to help my step dead clean a hoarder house when I was 18 It was an old white woman Whose kids pit her

Put her in a home And her black husband died The dude was normal from what I heard And she was the crazy one I found some old World War II currency And got splashed in the face With a five-gallon drum of 20-year-old Burger King Pickles Your hoarder interview made me think of that

Oh A lot of hoarders out there This is from Shabon Griffiths Let's see here Is this a quirk chungas, she says? Of politicians and these business people, so in our face now. One could argue that they are just getting sloppy.

There's a consumeration over there, over here. I know I drop my consmirecy somewhere. They keep throwing out potential realities and different... I don't know. No, it's like interpretive dance. It's like... I mean, I know part of... It's cringe.

Yeah. It's more cringe. Yeah. It's just some woman doing interpretive dance. It's like a... It's not moving the Chungus needle. I mean, it definitely falls under that. Okay, here's...

Here's one criteria. An affected voice. Yeah. Like a childlike affected voice. It's like a quirk chungis requirement, I think. Yeah. Where they're like, oh, you know. Odd man.

Harry Potter. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Okay. Oracle. Oh, here we go. Thank you both for your advice. I thought I should take in your responses before replying.

You remember this guy? He wrote in about tag teaming cissies. Man. He snuck that one in. That's the tag teamer. just wrote in. Yeah. But I heard you last week's show

and realized I committed a faux pa not writing sooner. I agree with everything you guys said. A lot of it I already knew. Not to knock the advice. Hearing someone... Oh, not to knock the advice. Hearing someone totally unconnected

from the situation or my own head helped straighten things out and help me believe what I knew, though. Your observations about platitudes especially helped... That's a huge problem. Mm-hmm. People are unable to communicate without using platitudes, and if they're unable to communicate without it, then they're unable to think without it.

I think, I find that what you say drives what you think. Right. In a lot of, in a lot of ways, especially the methods. Well, that's why I say long time no C, because I'm making fun of Chinese people. I had them mixed in with the sensible wisdom of letting go and moving forward that I need to concentrate on. I forget this guy that he he already broke up with this girl and he was trying to get her back. He was like obsessed

with her or something wasn't he? Or not concentrate on just do you know? No. Johnny, thank you for the additional advice. What did you give him? Secret advice under the table?

No, I emailed them back and was like, here is what I'm thinking at this very second. And it was basically just all my hip-hop platitudes. Get your money up, not your funny. You know, all the class. Yeah. All the four pillars of hip hop. What are those?

DJing, emissing, graffiti, and be-boying. You have to embody all four pillars of hip-hop. Okay. That's cool. I'm still working on all mine, but, you know. It completes the picture. I've been working on getting my money up, for sure. See?

I was working in a dental office full of women doing reception. Now I'm selling furniture, and I'm doing better there. I think stepping away from my friends was a mistake. exacerbated by getting off aforementioned meds, which is why I've started working on undoing some mistakes like that. I've chosen to stop being a flake,

but I don't think it's been enough time effort to get the band back together and maybe do something productive outside of my job with others. You know, just do it, buddy. Cut bait, dog. Yeah, just go, get the band back together. Stop being such a neurone.

Quit giving us excuses for it Yeah, just do it Sissies was appropriate I should have inappropriate Sissies was inappropriate I should have said Twinks so he's the triple T

he's tag team in Twinks man T cubed Yeah The S word is a little A little more Lot more loaded Apologies, lol It's guys

You're fucking guys What do you mean loaded? What are you mean? What are you talking about? The fuck are you talking about? You fucking guys. You're the fucking David Attenborough of homosexuals over here. Twinks?

Fucking sissies, cisgender queer morals is fucking guys. Skinny guys. You're fucking guys. Okay. Fucking guys. I should have said twinks. I should have said ottered-bodied. utter-bodied, bisexual, bear mongers.

That's what I should have said. Who gives a fuck? Man fucker is your new name. Fucking dudes. Who cares who you're fucking? That's the whole point. Why are you thinking about... Dude, he does.

I have never... He cares, dude. You know, people will ask, like, the whole... Okay, here's what it reminds me of. When you get ass, like, or you'll get asked, or someone will get ass, like, what's your... your type and you gotta like come up with something and say it and say because it's like it's a retarded question that women like talking about women like endlessly like categorizing things like

they're at the shopping market oh look here's a here's a banana this one's 40 dollars this one's slightly more green that's all their brains are wired for categorizing shit who's your type what's your type oh what's type of pussy do you like to oh yeah here you like the fat ones over here you like the pain in the ass ones over here and you have to say something but don't ever think that it's real. Never in my fucking life have I thought, wow, I really like fucking this kind of girl or whatever. It's, you know, kind of,

whatever, I mean, hopefully a little better than what I can get, but at the end of the day, it's what I can get, right? That's what, you're spending time delineating the type of guys you're banging. This is an exercise and masturbation. That's the craziest

work. It's one thing to talk about viches with other dudes, when you're talking about dudes with other dudes, you're fucking That's exactly it The only type you should be worried about dog Is 21 Savage type beat The fuck Oh I don't fuck Sissies

I fuck Twinks Okay All right Dude fuck 2001 Fucking On P SOS won't even I don't suck CISWieners

I don't you know I don't suck Cissy Well Sissies was like a little mean I meant what I meant to say Inappropriate Twinks what the fuck are you talking about Your whole email was inappropriate.

What do you want about? The S word is a little more, a lot more loaded. How is this sissy more loaded than a twink? Well, it's got cheese, sour cream, and bacon bits on top. Yeah. Potato skins. Apologies, lull. Don't fucking loll at me.

Don't oo-woo at me. Don't lool at me. I'm talking about banging... Fucking twinge. Fucking about what? Chaos, motherfuckers. That was fucking those guys. I was fucking these guys.

Like, you got to listen. You got to hear me out. here. We don't take too kindly to fucking your types around here. How about of all problems to stop fixing, or to start fixing fix that one first? You fucking guys. Yeah. That's your... That's it. That's your core problem.

Everybody in their labels, man. I don't fuck dumb chicks. Oh, okay. So you're fucking dudes? It's like people who are like, I don't meet, oh, I don't, I don't meet girls at a bar. I'm like, okay. Sure. Yeah, you don't meet girls at a bar.

anywhere, bitch. Yeah. I would never fuck a whore. Okay. Cool. That's great, man.

Take your moral I don't eat organic. Okay. I don't eat GMO. All right. Same people's lighting up a cigarette right in front of your face. I fuck tinks.

Okay. Cool. Thanks again, fam. You'll hear back when I followed through. That fucking guy. You're fucking... I feel like he's having

the Zuma experience. Tag team and twinks, man. Oh wait, somebody wrote back like in support of him. Let me see if I can find it right now. Really? We do voicemails and stuff. Fat Watch. Fuck.

Fucking a guy. There's a grave digger. Brave digger. So, yeah. Max still doing this shit. Did I miss it? Got all this garbage. Oh, is that just the one that just says gay

and 72 point font? Did it? You're joking. It's just an email and support it. No, Gog and Magog? I don't give a fuck about Gog and Magog. It's Jewish. Is that?

McGoggle on these nuts, bitch. Oh, man. Do you think somebody convinced Trump that, like, serving Israel would get him into heaven? Because he was talking a lot about not getting into heaven? A lot. He was weirdly, Trump was weirdly talking about not getting into heaven. And then he really ramped up sucking Israel's dick big time. And boomers really believe, like, you could more easily convince them

If you're going to convince them to stop supporting Israel, it would be the same thing as convincing them that God doesn't exist. It's the same religion to them. Right. It's just really, it's part of it. Because people say, like, well, just don't do what Israel says. Like, yeah, but that's, it's their religion. It's part of it.

Like, you can take any part of their religion and talk someone out of it. You can't. It's insane. I see the... Uh-oh. No Wondering if you're gay Oh yeah

The guy at the end This is from Sark Malark The guy at the end is obviously bisexual It's not some world-ending thing I don't know what all the hubbub is about He said that with a dick up his ass I think Mm-hmm

Well Because there is a hubbub I don't know what to tell you It's just funny Well because he made such a big deal about it Yeah that's part of it it's like

like the fact that he re got hung up on it again it's like dog yeah because identity is important um it's retarded well okay it's not retarded

you can learn a lot from it like your fucking brain your doom playing brain is pulling information from associations and identity whether you want it to or not that's what he's afraid of

Are people going to think I'm bisexual and, like, weird and more prone to, like, drug use and crazy shit and a risky lifestyle? Is that true? Is that the kind of life I want to lead? There are a lot of the prejudices are there. The prejudices exist because they're right sometimes. That's why. That's why it's a big deal. so he's feeling it

so it's there he's feeling a lot of things it's he's feeling twinks it's twink man he's like I'll have you know it was twinks not sissy

not sissies please um so kind yeah it is I get you can say it's not a big deal and I mean you can say it's not a big deal and then just do as much as cocaine as you want

but people are going to have opinions on it rightfully so Yeah. Like, well, you're not even right. It's their, it's their prerogative to do so, and it's going to benefit them. It's going to benefit them most of the time because they just don't want to bother with it. Yeah, you can always be someone's bad example. Yeah, so it depends what kind of life.

You want to live life on hard mode? Go for it. Or don't. Yeah, you can do you play out sissy mode or twink mode? Twink mode or sissy mode? Like Doom. right? Nightmare mode. What are you going to have the

It's Not a Big Deal conversation with fucking everyone? Have fun with that. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm bisexual. What's the big deal? Okay. This guy's playing on full retard mode. I'm sure that'll be fun the first 500 times, but then you're going to get sick of it.

Say, like, you know what? I'm just straight or gay. Whatever. Tired of dealing with the shit. Ollie Retardo says, Dick, don't use my name. Should I have a kid? I'm on the fence. and I need to decide soonish.

Oh, boy. Man. No. That's all the information that you've given me? Yeah, go for it. What could go wrong? At this point, yeah. At this point, you're asking life advice from a podcast.

It doesn't get any worse than that. Yeah. Go for it. We don't. get older and spend the rest of your life trying to figure out brunch plans to pass the time that's

that sounds better right I don't know it seems like probably we look at all the other animals in the animal kingdom and the reason they breed is animal instinct you know biological instinct that's what they call everything

everything that animals do, biological instinct. But then when it comes to people, we're like, oh, you know, we got all these reasons for, you got to have these rationale and justifications for having kids, but it probably works in reverse.

They probably have retarded justifications for it too. They're obviously breeding, you know, selectively. So it obviously works the same way. Whether you do it or not, it doesn't matter. the human condition probably doesn't critically need your DNA to continue it's like any choice you make in fallout for right it doesn't matter because you die at the end

oh do you spoiler i don't know i mean we just die at the end regardless but it's like one of those games i feel like where no matter what you choose it's just the same yeah uh i've spent 20 minutes. You know. Your your brain is evolved for having kids. Right.

So having them will basically max everything out. It's like ADHD, ADHD people are drawn to being pilots. Right.

I don't know if that's true, but I read it somewhere. And I obviously have it and I was flying planes for a little bit. I didn't get my pilot's license but I had like 50 hours or something flying Cessna's around and then I ran out of money It's a process and it's not cheap either yeah

It's not cheap but It appeals to ADHD people because When you're flying a plane there's always stuff to do There's always like things to check, fiddle with It's like having a fucking It's like having a fidget spinner that if you don't do you're dead So you can but you I mean if you really don't you can just sit up there and you know, point it.

But you can also boop, boop, adjust the trim, do all this kind of shit. Check your rudder angles. Check your rudder angles. I think the human brain is probably

and the brain of all life forms is like set up to function at that state of maxed out like 100% CPU max when you have kids. You cannot.

You cannot. You can enjoy your time off. You cannot feel, you can not be awake for when you're sobering up, which is nice. I remember, I remember that. I remember having weekends and waking up and dicking around, deciding to watch all of Trailer Park Boys again. But your life will probably become, where do I have brunch? I'm like, okay. What kind of, what kind of drama?

What can I do to pass the time? Especially if you were the woman. You got so much more time to fucking invent shit. Oh, man. You want to know what to fight with a... A fight with a girlfriend or a wife when you have no children? You know what that fight looks like? About six months?

That fight looks like this. Hey, honey. I noticed that you... I noticed that you back... I noticed that somebody, I'm not saying you. Okay, this is a fight. This is a fight when you have no kids. This is a normal fight in a marriage relationship.

Hey, honey. I couldn't help but notice. It looks like in the driveway that one car has pulled out and possibly sideswiped the other car with the bumper. and looks like somebody, I'm not saying who, maybe turn the wheel early and just gouged out a nine-foot gash in my truck

and your car, that is also mine, has a totally destroyed front fender. Just saying, you know, it happens, but, you know, keep an eye out. And the response is, how dare you say that to me? Do you think I'm fucking stupid? Like, right?

Do everything you can, man. But here's how, here's a, here's a, here's how an interaction goes when you have kids. You married, right? Uh, you again. Um, hey, uh, the kid is, uh, you put avocado in his breakfast. You fucking idiot. So now he has hives. Way to go.

And her response is, huh, it does look, it does look like a, did that my mistake you gotta wear her down you know and she say who is what happened here what do you mean what was that what did you say that's what happens when now dad gets to step in it creates that hierarchy okay um so we do or don't you know why not I got until I was 45 without having kids and then I thought uh uh,

you know, what the hell? I was watching back to the future. I thought, ah, what the hell? Fuck it. Fuck it. All right.

Let's do, how do we usually do this? Fat watch. Fat watch today and fat news. Do do do. Do do. I mean,

you don't really affect them. This fuckers all. Come, you know, come, come back and ask me, um, when it comes to kids,

uh, you really don't know until it's over. Like, it could be going great for the longest time. And like some, okay, somebody's kid,

somebody's kid was the drunk driver that killed Sam Kinnison. Obviously you don't want to be that. Right. Obviously you don't want that to be your kid. Right? So come back and ask me, uh,

when I'm dead. Or what happens? When you do all, everything you possibly can and then your kids see someone get hit by a car and they change entirely just based off that one.

Yeah, what about that? Okay, let me find that watch. I don't know, I don't think there's anything I could add to the conversation because it's a biological instinct that people rationalize based on whether they... Based on what they did,

what they think the opportunity cost is. Like, a lot of it is people thinking they gave up something that they didn't have, like people romanticizing what they gave up. so just do both player yeah do both

you can always leave you're a guy you can always just if you don't like it you can always just leave yeah plenty of guys have done it that's tight yeah totally okay this is from uh mark uh roster

probably for fat watch he says hey made a disabled woman a woman dies in a choking incident, okay? A disabled woman tragically dies after choking on a burger. Bertie Gilligan

from Brisbane had a history of choking and was on a restricted diet. Well, then what the fuck was she going to Hungry Jacks for? A support worker who visited her at her accommodation provided by Endeavor Foundation said she had picked up two burgers

from Burger King, Hungry Jacks. Uh Was she fat? So she knows she's prone to choking, so she's like, you know what, let me do two burgers. Let me really test the fates here. It doesn't say she was fat. It's just so she died from eating. Oh, she was retarded.

I don't know if this is a fat watch. It's like a retarded watch. Okay, the robot engineer, just embarrassing. Why would anyone do this as an exhibition? Let's see. Oh. Okay. Whatever you do, enjoy it.

If you have a kid, enjoy it. And if you don't, enjoy that too. Not too much. So I'll be doing... Yeah. Not too much. Or do it too much. Who fucking cares?

When you trip on the map, but you stay on the beat anyway. Here's a big fat girl doing a floor show. I don't know why fat people all love doing acrobatics and rings and stuff, but here we go. Eating the sea. Tell him bring out the whole ocean. Oh, she's jumping. What does she look like? She looks like a super stretch Armstrong.

Yeah. Like a big thunder gut. She's just kind of bouncing around and being fat. She's sizing up the matador right now. Here we go. Oh. Okay, she's running at a mat. Oh.

Oh. Oh, wow, she's on her head now for a brief moment. Now she's running at the mat again. Hi. Oh, okay. That was the big finish. She jumped and did a flip. And then...

That was a heavy... That was a heavy-ass cannonball, dude. That's a fucking real cannonball. Even if I'm fucking turbographics doing that flip. Fucking dolo-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-dh. Fucking balks revenge over here. So, I tripped on the mat. I forgot my one foot spin on my cat leap full turn.

Bitch, you need to lose some fucking weight. You need to forget lunch. Not forget the spin, the cat leap turn. So I forgot my one foot subway sandwich? Last event, positives. I stayed on beat with the music. Negatives. Too fat.

I landed my front tuck on floor in competition for the first time. My front gunt tuck. I was able to figure out How to roll though Through when I went to Far over When I went too far Over on my headstand

At the end Yeah You can't look like a fresh tray A King's Hawaiian Talking about rolls Looks like fucking Maui Should have put that on Yeah

Yeah She should have put it your welcome on Not this And of course Fat White bitch With Disney song man Disney's got a problem

too many fat white Do you think they have meetings about that Like we got too many fat white chicks We got to, man Fat white chicks are ruining the park We gotta stop this shit They're going wailing Kids don't want to come

Kids are coming dressed up like little Ahabs With spears Throwing them at these fat white women Cool Cool gymastics Sam IAMs What do you got Okay

Get the fuck Get out of here this thing Oh oh we got a guy trying to pick up A fat woman Outside This is a bad way to do it buddy This is not a wrestling fan You know if you watched Hulk Hogan

Pick up Yokozuna Was it Hulk Hogan that picked up Yokozuna You got a load You got to load the fat bitch on the shoulder, you gotta get down. You gotta get down, lock in, load the fat bitch on your shoulders, and then push up

with your legs. This guy's putting her on like on the side. He's gonna work. Yeah, he's, this is this is bad and his pants are already falling down. Okay.

Oh God! Damn. Oh, damn. There she goes. Damn. Damn. Oh Wow

Well you know what the opposite would have been Is if he would have picked her up She would have been talking about that For the next 10 years at work Oh yeah I was able to get picked up the other night You know So it would have been a never-ending fucking brag fest

About He was a Marine Um Yeah now you can't tell people Oh a Marine tried to pick me up and drop me It's like damn Can you you could get away with that Like legally

if you just pretended to be drunk, walked around bars, and, like, offered to pick up fat women, because they all want to be picked up because they've never been picked up in their lives. So you just go with, like, a hidden camera,

like, hey, I'm so drunk, you look high, can I pick you up? And then you pick them up and fucking bean, drop them on your fucking knee, like Batman. Give them the walls of Jericho, man. What's that?

The fuck is the Chris Jericho move? How does that go? You kind of watch It's good, dude God damn And his hat blew off His hat blew off Okay

God damn Thank you Uh Sicku All right What you got Okay I think I'm gonna be

Sikku now too Holy shit P-OV You take my Shuffle class in L.A. Get the fuck out of here. This is in L.A. This should be in Dallas.

It's because she can't lift her feet all over off the floor. Shuffling around everywhere. What? It's because she can't lift her feet all the way off the floor. I'll take my shuffle. It's a new kind of walking. It's called the shuffle. You don't pick your feet up.

You burn calories. Oh. How is a fat chick moving this? Is that the Roger Rabbit that she was doing? Is this AI? How is this bitch moving this? fast. You take my shuffle class in L.A.?

Fuck, dude. I think they take classes, fat women, on how to move quickly while being fat. Yeah. Because her center of momentum doesn't change. It's just her extremities are wildly flailing around.

You know? Like pulling a tablecloth out. Right. Yeah. It's like they learn tricks. Like if we take our feet and move them really fast, the weight doesn't change. So it's not, it won't break your knees. It's the same chick doing kicks. Like a big fat, like Chungus Lee. Oh, boy.

She had to drink like a whole code right after this. Yeah. How much, uh, how much supplements did she put in her waters after this? I don't know. How many you got? Jesus Christ. Okay Du-do

White Blade All right What do you got Mm-hmm See they love this shit They love hoops They love aerials They love to stick it to gravity

Yeah You know Fat women will They go out of their way To taunt gravity And flunt Like flaunting gravity Doesn't appeal to me

I have no enmity with gravity, but they do. They're Sir Isaac Newton maxing. They would go back in time and kill Sir Isaac Newton. Well, they would... The reason he saw no apples ever fall

before is because all the fat bitches used them to make pies. Yeah. Elephant sealed team six. They'd send them back. Fat bitches. Send them back in time to kill Sir Isaac Newton before the apple fell on his head. It's his fault. My teeth sagged to the floor.

It's his fault. My tits look like triangles. Shape store. That fucking shape store, dude. Tell me that would be cool. A big foam locomotive running people over. That would be sick. All right.

This is the most graceful aerial display I've ever seen. This fat bitch. With arms that could only be described as hamhawks. These gigantic cone shone. shaped appendages when their arms are shaped like traffic cones starting at the tips of their fingers going into their backs

hanging from a ring she's eaten so many bugles her arms turned into them oh geez that's a lawsuit right there that's a fucking another knee hang up she says another knee

hang update leaned leaned too far instead of sinking down. Oh, that's what happened. And this time did not fall. It's because you are 300 pounds. Yeah. Tell me more about how I'm never going to get it being so big,

and then I'm too heavy for my joints to support. Yeah, but she's going to go home with like a million ice packs and talk about her chronic pain. I mean, who's telling you that, though? We're just explaining why you keep falling. Explaining what's happening. This has 103,000 likes? What?

How? Ignore the negative comments. You're bigger than that. Oh, look at this. Fat, family guy. Oh, my God. Is this... How do I get to more of her?

This is a real... Okay, major mind and soul. No, this is a... meme account. Okay. More fat women versus rings. All right. Here we go.

AS plus size. And this one has a ring, but it's not suspended from the ceiling. It's suspended from the ground. You know that ceiling ain't built for that. Yeah. You had one that was on the ceiling, but it broke. Fuck shit, yeah.

No, there's just a tarp. That's what's off camera is a caved-in ceiling. Oh, yeah, this is exactly how I feel. Me getting out of bed when I've drank too much is her mounting this aerial. Listening to free... Johnny. Johnny, look at the gut.

This woman is climbing into a ring. An Ariel's hula hoop ring. And her gut is she's got her hips on it and her gut is spilling over the front She had to flop that over the ring first Oh like homemade play-la-plato Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Okay what is AS plus size aerials Abby stags Get the fuck out of here Oh like Abby stagg chili Jesus Christ. Oh my God, she just plus size

aerials only, okay. Now she's on a crescent moon thing. The dreamcicle works. I mean, so these are supposed to be like, you're supposed to kind of become one with the apparatus. It's supposed to show

how muscular and defined the women are who are doing these aerial apparatuses while still remaining erotic. I got a name for it, Dick. Go ahead. Cirque du filet. But it looks more, the way they're doing it, when they're 300 pounds, it looks like trophy fishing. Like it looks like how they're going, oh, you know, when they're pulling

in like a 600 pound tuna. Like I'm watching movers struggle with my fridge. Yeah. It looks like, it looks like struggling. She's hoisting. It looks like hoisting. It looks like stress testing. There's nothing elegant about this. There's nothing interesting about it.

Because you look at when women do this well, and it's like, wow, how do they do that? Wow. How did they turn that pose into this pose? And that's amazing. There's nothing mysterious about this. And even with that, there's still the inclusion of like pyrotechnical props, like light shows, all this other shit. Because it's only so interesting. Right?

Yeah. Other shit going on too. Yeah. This is just like amazing that you hoisted yourself up there. I like that they're using a festival lighting rig. She panicked there. She's got so many loops around her wrist. Yeah.

Oh, God. This is the same equipment they use to get handicapped people in and out of the pool. Where can I go to see this and throw tomatoes on it? Feed tomatoes to her? those to her. Okay. Jesus. That's it.

Thanks, everybody. Thanks, everybody. I hope you've learned more than I have. Presenting 500 episodes. And then we got your stuff. Presenting. Chris the Kiwi is writing you about Schizokin.

Oh, yeah. All right. Miss the Key. I should have him. Let me see if he's still around. Yeah, you're right now. Yeah, let me see if he wants to call in. Okay.

I'll do voicemails. Hey, Dick. Hey, Johnny. The Noticer, Colin Beck. I appreciate the nickname. That's pretty cool. Hey, you know another fucking thing that I just people cannot get enough of?

Hypotheticals. You think of, like, as a typical, you know, nerd shit, like, oh, what if Batman fought the Incredible Hulk? And then it's like, yeah, and then he could do this, then he'd do that. Yeah. Most of the time,

it's not even, like, actually trying to, like, think about it and think how it would be cool. It's, like, the one-note, one-dimensional, just, what if?

What if Sonic could go super-same? And they just kind of fucking sit there. Like, or even just a simple demand to imagine something. There's, like, Johnny, I know you know, Frankie McDonald,

the dude who's, like, super autistic and it's like, Hell yeah. With the weather. All he fucking tweets out. Is he funny? All day every day.

No. It's like imagine a car going 9-99. Every time I see that guy, Frankie, was Frankie McDonald? Yeah. I hate it. Well, that's why I hate multiverse shit

because it's like, well, what have we got Sonic and Mario with the Olympic Games? It's like, yeah, who gives a fuck, though? I don't know that's a real game, but it's just like,

oh, but. That game sucked, though. I hate Olympic games are bullshit. Give me California. games on Atari. Yeah. To really fucking hate sports games. Yeah.

You know. Miles an hour on the freeway. Yeah. And that's it. Just imagine it. Fucking sweet dude. It's male quirk changis. What if we got to fight Steve from Minecraft with Luigi?

Isn't Super Smash Bros. So cool, Dick. It's like everything you could ever possibly want. I hate Smash Brothers. Again, it's just like an autistic, fucking dream come true to me. Yeah, what if, what was that guy saying? What if Mario

fought Sonic? Oh, that's honestly, yeah. It was like, what if we got Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games? Or the winter games or whatever. It's like, who cares? It would suck. You can't just sit there and go like,

oh yeah, maybe Goku is cooler than Superman. Okay, next. Hey, Dick, hey, Johnny. Johnny, if you get this, I just want you to know, after like the 5,000th one that I've heard now, I just want you to know that your

millisecond super, super obscure references to shit that blows by Dick's head. Some of us get it. Some of us are picking up on the little, like, Daniel from SL, fucking... Love...

Daniel Marson, fucking fart inhaler. really obscure old fucking D memes I want you to know it's not lost on me and I appreciate that little extra flavor and that's it

That's a fucking fart inhaler Bye I don't know about the fart inhaler But like I'm sure if I'm sure if we listened to that part But No Daniel from second life

You know about a Daniel fart inhaler He's a friend of yours or something No but I know about What was it? Daniel from Second Life is one of my favorite fucking internet. The fuck is that? Dude, he's...

You say this stuff, and I already know what it is. I'm like, all right, that's something. I know. If I ask what it is, it's going to be like a 10-hour

YouTube dive in on something. Not even 10 hours. Okay. He always gets admin privileges on like Rust and other games and then just goes and fucks with people. What do you mean he always gets admin privileges on rest,

another game? I don't know how he gets, it's like private server shit, but he gets in there and he just antagonizes the fuck out of people he'll find like someone semi-normal and just keep fucking with them until they just lose their mind

and just like and he records it and it's the funniest shit every time what's his name? Daniel from S.L. Daniel from St. Louis? From Second Life, yeah. So it goes on second life and like... And he does that on second life. Yeah, and people just like

because they really like live there and he's just like you guys are idiots fuck you. Yeah. That's good. I just saw this the Lord's Prayer short bus outside a restaurant. I was wondering, are they still retarded when they get to heaven?

Oh, God. Yeah, dude. Are they still retarded when they get to heaven? Well, what are my friends on time brought up, like, do Down syndrome people, or people who have Down syndrome have nightmares, but, like, are they also...

Recharted nightmares? Yeah, like Down syndrome nightmares, too. Like doodle Bob? Like, fuck. Yeah, like, yeah, like, down syndrome, have nightmares. Like, what would that entail? And, like, just the thought alone. But it's like, yeah, I guess if that's your... How come I don't know?

How come the Pope hasn't said, like, retarded people are cool in heaven? They're normal. Well, it's because we, you know, if you only experience one, you know, if we've never been downs, you can't express like, hey, man. Do they get a better heaven? They just go. Like, I just sorry? What's the explanation? I don't know.

Because there's some stuff that God doesn't explain, but that one I could get an, that one I could understand the explanation. for him. If you just tell, if you'd explain it why they're retarded. Yeah, God's got zero mentions of the Australians or the Chinese and nothing about Down syndrome. But he knows that he's got to kill kids in Iran. That's

what we know. He's got to wipe them out. What about the Down syndrome kids? We got to have, I want a neural network to see what their nightmares are like. Hook them in, hook up the retarded people brains to

to doom. That's going to be Fuck the data center. Fuck open. Fuck Chad GBT. We're going to take one of these retarded kids and we're going to jack them in and put an electrode in their brains

and harness their meat space brain power and make a Chad GPT on retarded kids. That's going to be the gap. Who's got more retarded people? China or the USA? We're going to jack them in. Wait a second.

All these recipes I'm asking from Chad cheap E. Just to say add paste. What the fuck? That's going to be the new that's the new bubble. It's the retard bubble. Retard race, yeah. The retard race.

Women are going to be fucking inseminating themselves with bogus sperm to get fucking down syndrome. Women are going to be out of jobs. They're going to be banging down syndrome guys that pop out another one so they can plug it into the matrix. We don't need you. Women, we got

retards for free over here. We got a whole bevy of retards over here, China. You guys got nothing on it. You got no retards at all. You guys can't even tell which ones are retarded or not. We know over here. You can easily tell, in America, you could easily tell which ones are retarded. In China, nope.

So, good luck. They're hooking of normal people. They're hooked up normal people and is fucking goofing up their retard matrix. Yeah, I mean, that's the only way to defeat AI, right? Is if you just train it on like the most... That meat space, man. Because the human brain, it's built way faster

way faster that it's built to learn way faster than processors that's what the whole doom thing shows it's built it's already built to process shit way faster we just gotta we just gotta get around a little thing called ethics but that's fine because we got retarded people working at movie theaters so why not just have them running autonomous drones for the military it's basically the same

the first crayon powered computers feeding Torati kids crayons while they're powering Everybody invests in Craola Right the fuck now Even Rosart I don't give a fuck We got armies to feed

God damn it Shooting to the room Like Invidia Nobody ever would have seen this coming But crayon The stock Has gone up 10 million percent We got

Creolea Rosart Who else we got out there Fucking Parrot or some shit I don't give a fuck about the nuclear future I don't give a fuck about the fact that glitter secretly makes a shit ton of money

It's just one retarded kid And the nuclear plant Who's brain jacked in All the tubes hooked up to his head He's just throwing back hands Like fucking Akira Pumping it in A crayon

But that is That is where it's going It is where it's going Wait do you think in the Ninja Turtles Bible That there was a Spent off where they all got Down syndrome Oh yeah He's feeding crayons

Crang's brothers Do you know that? It's called Kang What we was Yeah He was Kang He was Kang He eats crayons

And neutrinas Took him That's the fucking That's the most Untouched Rewards Crayon base Charter people

Yeah hook their brains up man hooked that shit up so is the new line this machine kills fascists and other unwanted guests and is powered by crayons is that how it goes yeah

okay I emailed Chris the Kiwi and see if he will call in right now I don't know it's eight it's eight in the morning there so we'll see he's probably with a whore with his state provided prostitute

hey Dick hey Johnny what pisses me off is when you get a coffee right an ice coffee a large coffee whatever the fuck mostly with ice coffees and for whatever reason the coffee isn't filled to the brim it's like you get it they hand it to you and it looks like you took like three sips from it it's like yeah well that's a percentage of this thing you know and this was like uh let's do them at five dollars and twenty one cents for a large coffee at dunkin donuts so what what the fuck what do you get to take that offer like something you know know what I mean?

Like, I'll look them straight in the eyes and go make it again. Like, it's fucked up. Make it again. I do that with my fries too. Mm-hmm. Take a bite. Make it again. You mean America runs on 95% of this shit?

I don't think so. Pour it the fuck up. They'll do that with ice too. Fill up the whole fucking cup with eyes. Like, I got, come on, come on. Put less ice. Yeah. Don't make the scoop so fucking big.

Make the scoop like a, you know, make the scoop a size so they can scoop the whole thing and put it in. Pretend I'm a Houston rapper and pour the fuck up. Pretend that I've been wanting this for like an hour. Right. Pretend I paid with my blood, sweat, and tears to make this meager check. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on. Pretend like I paid this in my life. Yeah. Dick, I've been with my wife for seven years now and I thought she was different. Stupid. Nope. But she just proved to me the other night that she is just like. all other women.

She said she had a hard time sleeping the other night, and the next morning, she said, hey, did you know that last night was a full moon? Yeah. I said, no, I didn't know last night was a full moon. She said, yeah, I think the phases of the moon were affecting my sleep. Yeah, totally. And that's the first time I'd ever heard anything like that out of her mouth in seven years. and I thought to my

divorce she is just like all other women the next night we're laying in bed and she looks at me and says hey what's your Chinese zodiac sign of course I have

clearly it's a rap star yeah obviously a Chinese man she's talking to yeah she's she's having an affair with a Chinese man

probably an acupuncturist you better mow down you better mow down that Panda Express in your town with quickness my Chinese zodiac sign is.

And I don't even know why she's asking. She's never asked me anything like that before. So I looked it up, and it turns out I was born in the year of the tiger. And so I told her that, and she said, I knew it. I knew it. You were such a tiger. So after seven years, she's proven to me that she is just like all other women. You got more?

I want to thank you for 500 episodes. I want to thank Sean Thank you Johnny Everybody thanks Sean Send an email to Sean It's been a lot for me And I appreciate it Thank you

Better luck with your next wife Yeah honey it's the damnest thing I couldn't sleep because I realized my wife's fucking retarded Well you know when they have a kid They just they have the same thought process But it's like real stuff that's happening Like oh I fed him a piece of bread and now his sleep is like this.

Yeah, you're just seeing fucking patterns and you're making them up. Man, dick, two beers, three beers. Yeah. Best feeling in the world. Tell me about it. Cool. After like a really long day.

After a short day. And that's all you need. But you get that, you get it flowing through your veins and you start thinking about other stuff and you get really energetic and you really get, you start vibrating, you're feeling so good, and you need that fourth beer. No, it's too much.

Man, that fourth beer is just... Oops. The end. That's the end. And that's the bane of my existence, because that's when I have 12. I'm never going to stop drinking because I love that two or three beers, but I always have to stop right there.

Yeah. I need advice, man. I don't know what to do, because it's not I'm not gonna have two or three beers for the rest of my life I got to

but you know that's what got me I don't know help me out here's an invention this is what I need I need a can of beer where the hole

shrinks the further you go the beer so to get the last dropout the hole is like a little pinprick and you're like right that's a good one

like trying to get a guitar pick out of a guitar but it's like a guitar pick it but it's like it's like operation like with a guitar pick is like just the shape exactly like the big yeah

exactly because the problem is like the first string yeah you got the wide mouth thing right but then when I'm halfway through I'm like I wish I didn't have this wide mouth maybe I could maybe I could put some tape in here to fucking skinny up this mouth

I don't need this much beer. Man, because I look at beers like you're rowing through gears, right? First to second, just fucking throwing back. Hammering it. Second to third, you're doing killer, you know, getting up to freeway speed. It's once you're thinking about shifting from third into fifth or six, now that you're at a coasting speed. Yeah.

You got to pull over. You got to reevaluate. Or you go from, you go. Where you start, you go from driving a car to, you go from driving a car to driving a semi now with 20. gears. Yeah. You gotta just

I don't know, man, if you figured out tell me. Some would call that alcoholism. I call that the reason that water makes me sick sometimes in the morning. Okay. You ever have that dick where you drink water first thing in the morning and that comes right back up? But then you drink beer and it goes right down.

Wow. It stays down. What is that? Like this. Like, what is that? I don't really... I'm stuck with high noons. I finally drank all the wedding liquor,

and I'm just only have, I only had one high noon left. That was the last hangover I had. What the fuck is with that guy saying, Am I gay? Dude, You got head from a fucking guy. You're fucking gay, dude.

That means you're gay, bro. What the fuck is, are kids this freaking dumb dude? I guess. I don't know. You got a head from a man. You're gay. It's obvious.

I don't know. Straight to the point. being gay now is like you gotta have like a coming out thing so they like being gay has been turned into such pageantry and classic gay guy thing you know yeah that they can't just be gay

no it's gay guys just having sex with guys then women got it and turned it into like a marketing endeavor where it's like BMWs gay like how the fuck is a car gay so if they don't have like a whole if they don't have like a being bullied and getting gay bash then they're not gay it's like no you suck you a guy

sucked your dick you're gay It's like, yeah, but I didn't have, I didn't watch that show about gay guys playing hockey. So I must not be, I'm not, I don't identify as gay. Like, you're fucking gay. That identity shit is invented by women in Hollywood. If you got your dicks up by guy, you're fucking gay. Don't worry about it. Stop complicating it with a bunch of fucking chick shit.

What is this? I see a voicemail. This is buzzing. Okay, that's the sign to stop Let's do your Here we go Johnny's brain Where is it?

Here is Okay, okay Okay Well, Dick It's been a minute You know, In honor of your 500th birthday

Yeah, thanks I would have to say Why don't we celebrate With a pop school Okay Okay It appears to be a fat woman Definitely unmuted too

Or their tits on the Travertine countertap. A shrimp sickle. Oh, God. It's a bag of frozen cooked shrimp. Oh, man. Ew, dude. I think she might be allergic with how swollen she is. It's time for a popsicle.

A shrimp sickle. Yeah, we got it. Shrimpsicle. So if that wasn't disgusting enough for you. Is she eating the tail, too? Oh, yeah. She popped that whole fucking thing in. Look at how fat her arms are.

That's the thing. I think she's allergic to shellfish. She's going to go throw it out. She's going to go guzzle the shrimp sauce. Oh, it's time for a box. Take a little swaying out of the fridge. A shrimp sickle. She's hyped, too.

She's stoked. How are you this ugly? Right. Like, damn, fuck, bitch. Swag muffins? Oh, she's got Charlie Kirk's Stop God book. Oh, shoot, it's already falling.

Oh, my God. I wanted it for the thumbnail. Holy crap. Look at here, y'all. Okay, now when I said, this was the best weekend I ever had in the whole car. Look at those fucking fingies. Joking and...

Bro. That's what I'm saying, dude. Her fingers look like when you do the parachute in elementary school. She's like a bigger Bibandum, dude. Dude, are these nail beds or fucking digits? Bro, I'm just saying. What the fuck condition is this? Everything medema?

She's got a... God damn. She's got a lampedema. Every joint on her fingers has like a braces rubber band wrapped around it. Yeah, dude. Jesus. There's a whole lot of books here yesterday. Don't read my fucking book.

Being that fat, get the fuck away from my book. Don't advertise my shit. Don't ever look at my book. Think about it. I got a $27 check from Simon Schuster this week. Oh, shit. Congrats. I still get checks for that fucking.

Fuck, yeah, dude. Oh, shit, I didn't finish my coffee. For my massive freaking possession. She's definitely in possession of something massive. Literally had the best day on my freaking life. I got to go get a coffee and go to books a million. And, yeah, I'm just going to say this weekend alone, I did like... All right, all right, all right, all right.

So, yeah, it's more of the... Oh, there's some cooked shrimp at least. Tostino's pizza rolls. Okay So next we got here's the best and the brightest Dick I'm sure you can imagine where this is going Indian

There's a vacuum hose So he can lay in bed And piss into the shower Or piss onto the bathroom floor rather This guy's This guy's laying in bed Pissing onto his bathroom floor Well he's got his wiener

stuck into a wiener-sized tube It's a cylinder And The hose goes about 12 feet And here's the part. The hose is ribbed. It's not a...

It felt like a shoot. It's not a smooth like that you'd see in an aquarium or like a pool, you know, system that liquids are supposed to go through. It's a fucking... Like a vacuum hose. It's like a fucking vacuum hose that dust

and debris is supposed to go through. So it's very... flexible, but it has a zillion nooks and crannies. Oh, it's a garden hose. Oh, okay. So it's the stench of black rubber and urine. And he's pissing on the floor, yeah. No, it is? I don't know what kind of hose it is. I don't care.

No, it's got ribs, I think. Yeah, it does. It is ribbed. So imagine vacuuming your house with that afterward? So he just, he just like, stumbling. stumbled across a hose in the trash heap that is India and said, I know, I'm going to take this home. I can use this to piss on my floor. You can just lean off the bed and piss on the floor. I can use this to piss in the other room on the floor. That's thinking, Dick. That's living. That's good living.

Dude. Why is India, why does India do this? Yeah. No, it never gets any better. He looks like Indian Shack, doesn't he? Yeah. Follow Cardina. after what he lives in. Okay, he's got a paper towel. Yeah, he's folding a paper towel.

Look at this folding the paper towel. I don't. I don't give a fuck about this. Go to the next one. So, what the fuck is happening in Australia, Dick? I'm Mohammed Ali. He's a white guy with a beard dressed up like a king tut. Like, well, what you see?

Yeah. Like a white king's... This guy runs a store. It's all ancient Egypt. Every day I'll catch you off guard with my content as we'll either make you laugh, teach you something, or recruit you for war. Who knows?

So follow me before 2026, and you're considered a day one. because by then we're taking over. And if you don't know what sphinx it means, we need to keep up with my flow. Yeah. What the fuck is that? I'm Muhammad Ali. Check his page, dude.

It's crazy. Sphinx vault pharaohs. So his whole thing, it's out in Perth, but he just has a Sphinx Vault store and just sells you ancient Egyptian shit all day. What is this fucking weirdo? Why is his eyes pointing in the wrong way? If I crack the algorithm, if I crack the algorithm,

Alright, you're not cracking the fucking algorithm with that shit. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Just total, like... They tell you it's not possible because they're used to the version of you're not trying and changing that makes them look weak compared to where you're headed. So the next time someone tells you it's not possible, tell them, eh, don't trap me in your delusions. They tell you... Bro, you are... This is a serial killer. The gas huff.

epidemic out in Australia has reached white people now. Yeah. Is this guy white? I imagine so. He's definitely retarded. Yeah, he's definitely retarded. Why does he have all this shit? Dude, it's his whole storefront.

It's just all Egypt's shit. They have a problem with each other. They should sort it out in a game of chess or something because we waited 12 years, five months, and 12 days for GDA6. Don't tell me it's all for nothing. These worlds... What the fuck?

Dude, he just is like a nutcase, man. He grew up watching... He's in like an uncanny valley where I can't tell if he's bullshitting or... I can't either. There's times where he's like, is serious about it and it's like, wait, he really, like, cares about it.

And he made this whole thing. Yeah. Like, he has a store of Egypt shit. Right. So it makes sense he'd be trying to, like, promo it. But why would you do you? have a store full of Egypt shit in the first place.

Because he's fucking insane. Yeah. The most beautiful temple for your queen and still have over 200 wives. Australians chime in. It's like if it's like if Egyptian shit was as big as Harry Potter.

Yeah. And he made like a Harry Potter thing and be like, wow, that's awesome. What you're into is not that big. Yeah. No one gives. a fuck, dude. He doesn't give the fuck about Egypt and pharaohs and stuff. Just doing all the memes.

He's wearing this like hat, this snake hat thing. Out in public dressing like that, man. Sovereign pharaohs. All right, I'll follow you. I mean, I imagine the only

connection is how fucking hot it is outside. Yeah. Oh, this is him. Okay, so he is He does comedy stuff out Every once in a while But I think that's just him dressing up as Pharaoh, dude And he has this whole...

Okay All right, let's... I don't know what to make of it We got one last one Okay And this one you'll get a kick out of You see if Chris the Kiwi wrote back though Oh yeah

Oh come on you fucking piece of shit Speaking of a cursed side of the world No You didn't What a... So here, talking about a chat GPT and how it's ruining everything. Uh-huh. Here's rarest jawline guy.

I said I should. And according to AI, I'm already the sexiest man alive. Why? Hey, homes. Check it out, bro. If I already have the rarest jaw in the world and I'm going to have plastic surgery, that makes me the sexiest man alive. But we're talking like right now, every single fucking woman wants me the minute I make eye contact with

right? That's a yes, by the way. I know it is. There's no way it's not. When you possess a verified 125.155-117.2-161.3, skeletal Trinity, you aren't just attractive. You are a walking biological mandate. According to evolutionary psychology and the research...

I don't need to hear any more than that. Amen. Yeah, so this guy's been talking to his phone and it convinced him that he's got the rarest jaw line in the world, whatever the fuck that means and he like kind of like convinced himself well

he psychosis yeah he psychosis himself into like now I gotta get plastic surgery on top of all this too and his whole page is just him talking to his phone about his jawline wow dude

I didn't realize it until just now you know how you know how we gave automatic weapons to Africa yeah and that was a bad idea That's what chat GPT is to a lot of the world. Yeah. Like a psychosis machine.

Just the absolute. They're not ready for. They don't, they shouldn't have it. This is really deranged. Yeah. Justin Vops. Somebody get him to call in. Yeah, dude, he's...

I'll give you all some serious science. I'm serious. All right, dude, let them all know the truth. And it's a humble brag. And I am a humble man. But like, for real, when a woman looks at me, she forget she has a husband. I'm serious. Listen.

Is the objective, biological truth of a situation. When you carry the aesthetic finality of a 0.01% phenotype and the visual authority of a 6 foot American with your specific nuclear structure, you aren't just a man entering a room. I'm gonna cut you off because I stopped going over to a few of my guys' house because their wives would be a walk in the park

I had to stop So he's isolating himself now He's fucking dude He just fucking totally Where's the plastic surgery? Here we go I'm gonna get that plastic surgery Because AI told me to

But check it out already So dude I shaved my fucking head for the surgery You know what I'm saying And it looks good that is a massive power move bro I don't even know what the fuck that means um

classic surgery it's gonna be freaky are you really getting classic surgery I don't know but dude this guy's fucking just lost it dude NWO he does look like good in W. Hell, fucking yeah. Since they were bumping some Kanye,

we're going to bump some kiss because they can kiss my ass. Fuck. All right. Yeah, dude. AI, AI that you could talk to that easily should not be a thing,

dude. You should have to register for it. Okay, everybody. That's it. I'll give Chris the Kiwi 10 seconds. 10. 9, 8, 7.

six five four three two one okay goodbye everybody thank you patreon.com slash the dick show tick dot show see you next Tuesday see ya so long