The Dick Show - Episode 505 - Dick on Monkey Noises

Episode Date: April 12, 2026

Going to the zoo, what if women ran the Internet, the Quartering flags the world, a fat woman destroys a wagon, I am racially profiled by Chinese builders, Canada's new identity soup, a Denmark race-mixing ad, a wedding weekend with no spouse, OnlyFans advice, and a new firmware update for women; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

All right, well, I have no notes today. Do you know what I have today? What do you have today? A sign from God that summer in America has started. What do you? Okay, why? What's that? Dick, you know how like safety improvements and shit over the years and vehicles and just life around you?

But specifically vehicles in this instance, right? You know how like things just get safer? Yeah, things get safer. Saper and safer. You know what I realized? Soon it'll be illegal for women to drive cars. It'll just be auto drive. It should be, yeah.

And then it'll be illegal for kids to drive cars until they're like 30. Yeah, that'll be cool. Yeah. But I realized today that growing up, man, was it me or did we used to see a lot more carbacues during the summer? Yeah, we did see a lot of carbacues in the summer. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

And so today, driving in, fucking hit this spurious, awful, just bit of traffic. A barbecue on purpose? Did you see or? Well, no. So I'm sitting there. I'm like man I see all this smoke it's either some cool diesel guy

with no fucking thing on yeah that's cool yeah or it's a carbecue and then I got my hopes up and as I'm getting closer it's a hot day for a carbacue yeah dude so I look out

it's a hot day for a car on fire and it looked like fucking this fiat was doing an impersonation in one of those Indian fire breathers because the whole front of that shit was on fire and melted it sucks to wreck your car

But at least if your car's on fire, you know, the insurance people can't, like, screw you over somehow. Yeah. By reselling your parts. Yeah, exactly. You know, they're getting one over on you somehow. At least as if it's on fire, everybody's got to deal with it. But I saw that and went, man, you know what? Maybe I should grill later today.

I should grill later today. I should, you know what? Maybe I'll throw the whole cube in the fridge. It's time. Oh, man, it was a hot day. It was a hot day yesterday. We went to the zoo And there was...

It must have been Fat Bitch Day at the zoo It must have been Fat Bitch Day at the zoo. It must have been Fat Bitch Day at the zoo. Man. Because... It was chock full

of hot hose and fat bitches And none of the hot hose showed up. It was just field trips and fat bitches. field trips and fat bitches That's the day it was Field trip and fat bitch Friday at the zoo You ever been to the L.A. Zoo?

Oh, baby. You don't know where the fence ends Or the fat bitches begin? Fucking Madagascar Up and down Up and down the walkway. Everyone's just the hippo. You're clawing through fat bitches on the way back because they put the good animals

all the way at the back, you know? Right, yeah. You can't just pop in and then scoot out. I felt like I was frogger. dodging these dump trucks barreling through, barreling from candy from candy store to bathroom. They're selling margaritas at the zoo too,

which I don't know. I don't like it. I mean, I like the idea of drinking at the zoo. I'm drinking at the zoo is fun, but now it's like part of the zoo experience. Yeah, because now that they've introduced that,

you have to drink at the zoo. Exactly. I couldn't just say, oh, you know, well, I'd like to have a beer, but we're at the zoo. So I can't. Now I'm like,

well, I've got to have a fucking beer, I guess. Now I'm going to pregame in the parking lot and at the zoo. That's just, it's going to absolutely end at waving at the monkeys. And that never ends well. And they gave our elephants away. The L.A. zoo people, they got all these signs at the elephant exhibit that says,

good news, the elephants are safe in their new home in like Tulsa, Oklahoma or something. I'm like, why the fuck is that good? Bring those elephants back here. Why we got no elephants? This is L.A. there's more elephants walking around the zoo than there is in the cage

I just I just walked by Rafiki a couple that looked like Rafiki and the hippo for Madagascar You know how when you're at like a You know how when you're at like a museum

or a theme park or any kind of like entertaining destination And somehow the people you go in with are like kind of stuck with you the whole day the whole day and it sucks

it's like man I saw that motherfucker already today I want to see new people but you're stuck with them and then you something happens and you like delay a little bit

and you think oh good I lost them I lost that fat bitch I lost that retarded guy good I can go have my own day at the zoo but then sure is shit

you'll be marveling at the little monkey family that's behind bars at the enclosure and these motherfathers This fucking retarded guy in the fedora will pull up or this fat bitch and her Rafiki-looking boyfriend will pull up. Dude, it's like that with the grocery store and when you go on a hike too. It's like that with a hike, yeah.

Because right when you get there, there's always some asshole with too much gear and like a whole, like he's going to backpack across the fucking whole country or something. And it's like, dude, it's just like a two hour hike. Like, who gets like, if you're, a water bottle might even be too much. Just go do it and get the. fuck out. Like, yeah. But somehow, some way. I'm gonna start walking backwards. As soon as I get there like, nah, I'm going to back way. No way. I'm gonna, I don't

want to walk with you assholes the whole time. This group sucks. Right. I want a new group. But then it's just like, no matter, like if you try and go really fast. You can't. You just fucking can't. You can't. You can't. Same at the grocery store. And then they start getting all shitty at you and it's like, dude, you're in my shit. Don't look at me. I'm the good

one in this group. Yeah. You guys are the losers. You're a stupid asshole who's been standing over my shoulder while I'm trying to figure out Which pack of wantons look the best? Fuck you. My dad tried to start a fight with a retarded guy before we even got in the zoo. That's cool.

I said, all right, today's going to be great. That's really cool. We're standing in line. We're next to get in the zoo. And this guy, big, Lenny-looking motherfucker, runs up out of nowhere and gets right in the turnstile,

right in the employee's face. Where are the paper maps? He starts shouting. And my first instinct is like, oh, I'm annoyed. that this guy's taken up the time, but then I'm like, oh, he's retarded, all right,

nobody move. It's like a retarded people like a T-rex. You can't move or you're gonna, it's gonna get a lot worse, you know? Gonna get mopped. Don't, I'm like, don't move, nobody move.

Don't let the boy see. He's right, the guy was right on the edge. You can't tell anymore who's retarded and who's not because everyone's so fucking fat. Used to be, guy starts pounding over,

shouting. Yeah. You're like, oh, okay, a retardate guy. But now it could just be some fat woman with cloven hooves. You don't know.

A dehydrated fat woman. Right now it could just be some dehydrated fat woman. Did you make sure to water your bitch this week? You gotta keep her wet. You gotta keep her wet and calm. Like a spider. Like a spider. You gotta water that bitch like a spider.

So this retarded guys comes over, screaming about paper maps. He doesn't know how to use a QR code, fucking idiot, you know? The lady at the zoo is like, You got to look, you got to zoom, look at the QR code. And I see the retarded guy just look at a QR code. I'm like, that's not how it works, man. Don't worry. She doesn't know how it works either.

But I'm telling you. That was the map. Yeah. He's like, give me that QR code. She's like, you got to scan the QR code. I'm like, are you fucking retarded, lady? You don't even know how to do that. You've, the number of times you've scanned a QR code in your life.

Maybe after COVID, it's gotten more. but most people just sit there at the table with those little squares on the table going, I don't know what to do. I'll just wait for someone else to order. What do you have on draft? I'll take that. So the guy's shouting at,

staring at the QR country. He's, I need a map. I need a map. Where are the paper maps? You know, being all retarded. And it's taking a little, and she's like, the workers is totally bamboozled, you know, she can't just keep shoveling people in

because they got to make sure that you paid whatever $20 to see the fucking monkeys. So we're standing there and my dad starts going, oh, are you fucking insane? You're like, you're barking at a fucking T-Rex right now. Do you know what's going to happen?

If that retarded guy gets, he's already at the red, all right? He's looking for paper maps. There are no paper maps. This dumb bitch is about to say, Sir, there haven't been any paper maps here since 1995. She's about to say something like that

and cause total tard meltdown. And then nobody's getting in the zoo. So I turn around and go, dead, I'm holding my son. I said, Dad, he's retarded. Will you fucking, will you fucking calm down? Too retarded? He's fucking retarded. What are you barking at?

I'm like, did I just, did I just hear? Oh, wow. Like, what do you think? What do you think he's going to be embarrassed? He's wearing two fedoras. One for each. half of his brain. Yeah! He's got two different pheroras stitched together. God damn.

So we're walking around the zoo with all the hippos. I want to see elephants that don't exist that got sent to another country, sent back to Africa. Good news, we've sent the elephants back to Africa. Bad news they were Indian elephants. Um... Re-shitting everyone's houses. And it was really great because I don't like dilly-dallying. I'm just like, okay, seen it, seen it, seen it, seen it, seen it, let's go. And now I got an excuse because I'm like, this kid's on a time limit. If we don't get out of here in two hours, this whole bus is going to explode. Go, go, go, seen it, seen it, seen it.

Let's get the fuck out of here. And we go to leave. Fucking pacing back and forth the beginning of the zoos that retarded guy with the... My wife goes, oh, I guess he really did need a map. Oh, wait, shit, that's the wrong theme. Presenting. Dad, you got to... Don't let him see you.

He's gonna get pissed off again. I don't know. You want, Dick, Dickey, you love, you got it. This is the show, Rums of the Contest. It's gonna be live from Mount Bunker Deep in the heart of the City of Failure. I'm your host, Dickmachian, aka the $20 million man. Joining me, as always, is Johnny, the audio engineer. What's up, man?

How you doing, man? Good, man. Man, you see my neighbors working on there, doing all that work on their house? I did. They're repainting their fence so our fences don't match anymore. Like, what the fuck? Man.

What did I do? What the hell did I do? Segregation. Man, I got racially denied business. Now I know what it feels like. Yeah. Because they were, they're working on their house, right? They're doing some work on their deck, which was, which looked exactly like my old deck,

except it was built, you know, in the 80s or something, so they didn't have to redo it. And my wife goes, man, they're sure working late. Those guys over there was like 5 o'clock. I'm like, man, yeah, they must have some kind of like super Mexican or something. They must have bred some super Mexican. So I go and look outside and said, oh, they're Chinese. No, not Mexican at all. Okay, that makes sense.

No wonder they're working now, full day. So I go over there and I say, hey, can you guys build me like some little stairs on the hill? I just like some stairs I just want like a couple stairs Safe stairs I don't want I would do it except It should be safe you know Because before I was just building for me my wife I don't care how safe the stairs are

But now I'm just in sidewalk stairs Yeah can I get some can I get some Chinese stairs up in this bitch You guys think you could build like a railroad But down the mountain You come back to a whole terrorist yard And it goes D-D-D-D-D-D-I

And I could jump around. Whoa! Like the Mario level. Those guys that spit. Weren't they wearing little Chinese hats

in that level in Mario Galaxy? I think. A Mario Odyssey. Maybe. I know they were the one with all the Mexican hats.

That was pretty cool. That was a cool level. What? And I said, Hey, can you? He goes, I don't speak English. And I said,

Stairs. You speak do-d-d-d-l-doo. Right there. You speak money, motherfucker? And I said, yeah, okay.

I'll call you're a supervisor or whatever. So I text. said the neighbor. I was like, hey, who's their supervisor? Let me talk to them. He goes, oh yeah, here you go. And then I get a response from the supervisor, and she goes,

he was confused. We're not, we don't have any room for business. I said, wait a minute, wait a minute. My neighbor's Chinese, you guys are Chinese. This is the only time I've ever seen Chinese builders in my entire life living in L.A. Who, what, does this, are you open for business now? I'm putting my eyes, you know? Yeah.

How about now? Now are you open for business? David Bow style I got totally fucking racially profiled because I'm not Chinese That's like luxury VIP service What the fuck man I want those Chinese stairs though

I bet they're immaculate These guys are out there with a protractor Fucking marble staircase Yeah give me that jade Give me some good luck Jade dragon stairs Put a little dragon at the bottom You get that little cat that goes like this

Yeah Eat put a fish tank in the stairs Put a whole koi pond in every step. Yeah, put a coi pond. Make the coy float around

in the air. Yeah. Yeah. No, nothing. I can't get that. A big drone show happened too.

Then the other guy I know that builds that builds stairs Mexican guy fucking walks past my house and said, how about you? Why don't you build me

some stairs? No, everyone I know is busy working. Like, what the fuck? Am I getting fucking blackballed by day laborers? Man.

What the hell? Friendly fire. I can't get one I can't get one stair belt It's one thing to like be refused by the Chinese It's like well Yeah At least give me the Mexican treatment

Just tell me you'll be by tomorrow And don't show up like usual You know You know what That's why you get full of acid And your tortillas Have you seen that guy That have you seen that crazy guy

That broke into the house Call me Holden something Call me Carl Holden Or something like that You seen that guy seen that guy nuts

fucking crazy what is his name guy in anime shirt breaks into house uh come on come on man I just watched it before before the show uh call me

call me what does he say call me something I forget what he says to call him oh I'll find it later uh here is uh Canada's identity? How about this? Let's take a look at this.

Oh shit. Hackamania's on right now. Is it? Yeah, today's the big, or was yesterday the big day for hackomania? Oh, I don't know. Today's the big hackomania day. Okay, here, hold on. We got a new acronym. All right, let's see here. Yeah, yeah, here we go.

Hot, hot off the presses in Canada. Deal with the ongoing genocide of MMIWG-2S-L-G-L-G-TQQQIA plus. Whoa, what was that? That was a mouthful. MMIWG2. Deal with the ongoing genocide of MMIWG2S-L-G-G-T-Q-Q-I-A-plus. This is abhorrent. Deal with the ongoing genocide of M-M-I-W-G-2-S-G-T-Q-Q-Q-I-A-plus.

It's with a straight face, and she's looking around so she can show that she's not reading it off a teleprompter. She's reading Q-Q with a straight face? M-M-I-W-G-2. 2SL O S-L-G-B-T Q-Q-I-A Plus This is like a VIN number?

It's a VIN number For a lemon This car is busted For the lemons she's been eating MM-M-I-W Oh man Those Gs really got

Gs really got squished out You know There was one group There was one group that that that was getting fucked with

big time getting fucked with for thousands of years the G's the G's really there was just there was just

really one group that needed some help and representation and now swamped buried on their own side

MMI This is abhorrent deal with the ongoing genocide of MMIW G2SLG B, T, Q, QIA, plus.

Oh, man. This is up. Just guys are like sucking guys' dicks. And now they got to deal with MMI. Ells was trouble. That should never have been. There should never have been, no, LG. Definitely not first.

Yeah. No one gives a fuck about chicks being lesbians. Nobody, you know. Nobody. They give a fuck about women doing this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a lot of a fuck about that. Uh-huh.

Not putting out. That's like. that would have been, it should have been the gay men and women who don't put out not lesbians and gays. Two of the most of foreign groups. Two groups that have been attacked mercilessly since the beginning of time.

Gay men and women who don't fuck. Yeah, that's two groups that needed to band. I guess fat women are like a subset of that. Yeah, lesbians are in like the fat women group. No one cares. And then bisexuals. I feel like that was already covered Shouldn't the game that's when the gay men should have said like

Well I mean yeah obviously See that's like Rosie O'Donnell out of bisexual bridal shower man What's that? Remember that fucking video of like those retarded guys doing like a rap battle at their high school or whatever? No Iron Mike Eli And he's like I'm the best main I did I deed it

No I don't remember all you'd remember it if you saw it But A guy breaks down door Let's see see if I can find it come on man come on where is this crazy guy

breaks down door yeah here he is here he is this guy man okay I just want to make sure that everything's okay what do you mean?

So he's just like a mysterious man that shows up at the house. I don't know what you. And starts asking about his daughter. His fucking door. Yeah, here it is. Here it is. Yeah, I live there. I don't know you.

My name is Harry Dresden, motherfucker. Open the door. This is my neighborhood. Open the fucking door. Look at those eyebrows. No. I'll fucking injure. Do you understand me?

Man Harry Tristan Open the fucking door. It's just like the worst combo you could possibly imagine. You can't do too much anime. This is what it leads to. Mm-hmm. It's speeches.

Oh yeah, then he messed up this doorbell. Now he's going Super Sand. I'm not like Michael Scott. What would you do in that situation? Man. You can't start shooting Then you go to jail Right

Some lunatic shows up your house Start screaming at your Your ring camera I'm gonna just pull a rope And it opens up to like a fucking pit of spikes Underneath Yeah Or it drops a bunch of goo

On them Slime like you can't do that on television You know what Speaking of bringing shit back man Just tar and feather people Yeah dump it on them There's a bucket of fucking hot tar on a rope I just pull that

Pull it like Home Alone style Yeah Who was a hurricane fans for the garage Just my fucking Empty a pillowcase behind it Call it a day Then he's gonna get it all in your house though

Um The guy You know how Spencer Pratt is running for mayor Oh yeah I don't know if I don't think He'll probably won't win We can't have We can't have something nice twice in a row

Trump blew it Uh They said he's They said he's not eligible to run because he doesn't live in L.A. Because his house burned down. Some reporter by the name of Noah Goldberg wrote an article questioning his

eligibility for running for L.A. mayor because his house in L.A. burned down. That is the stupidest fucking technicality. Yeah. How about that? Well, he doesn't live here Well, he doesn't live here He lives in Santa Barbara So he's not eligible

What an asshole What a fucking asshole man Okay, then give me back All the fucking tax dollars I spend here Yeah, yeah, yeah Isn't that nice of them? Did they call him anything?

Did they figure out what to call? Here comes the ratio, yeah Okay, I keep looking down from my notes but they don't exist. Here is a commercial from Denmark. It's a pretty good one. Pretty good commercial.

Check this out. Does anything good come from Denmark? I don't know. Let's see what you think about this. This is two white people, a young white couple, enjoying a little piece of chocolate that they're sharing together.

See, they're flirting. And then here comes this, here comes this psychologist, right? This Dr. Drew-looking motherfucker to talk to them about this piece of chocolate they're holding, okay, that they're flirting with. You see that, right? This young couple, now I'll tell you what he's saying in a second. The first men in Greenland, they're undiweded, bruner. Yeah. Yeah.

and best age. And there has made us more resistant over for the so if we're not we're not with frangled so if you

should give your coming children the best more so you should you know will know

little more exosic okay I don't know why they played a monkey sound he said let me read

the translation from Grock he said now you get it I don't know what we can read from the DNA of old teeth

and ancestors The first people in Greenland were extinct because of a name. This little fat guy's DNA has shown us that we have Danes have survived because we have fought with other people from Middle East to West Asia, and this made us more resilient against diseases. So if we do not mix ourselves up with strangers, then we will die. So if you want to give your future children the best possibilities, then I think they should choose something more exotic.

So he's saying that they got a, this young white couple shouldn't, shouldn't fuck each other they should go fuck some immigrants and mix it up they should have murdered that guy on camera isn't that isn't that crazy

how aggressive the sci-offing is that's funny whoa whoa whoa you guys I see you're about to have sex but shouldn't you both be fucking black people

isn't that you know? Yeah. For your kids' sake. For your kids' sake. Shouldn't you be banging immigrants? After all, the only reason we're alive today is because your ancestors. That's fucked.

That's fucked. Immigrants? And then they got some blowback, so they said it was satire. Man. But I don't think they know what that means. It's not really. The internet has a lot of satire about what they're saying. Not that.

That's not it. Yeah. You have to go in with the intent of it being satire. Yeah. Is it just more obvious now? Are there only boomers watching this stuff at home now? That shit. I can't see that shit flying on Roblox.

Yeah. I can't see much flying over there. Oh, no. Oh, good for you. Oh, here's Newsom's wife. Let me get some quotes from her. She's been running. She's been talking.

Ah, that's bad. Dude, she's like nuts. Really, really crazy. Here's some clips that this guy pulled from her. Yeah. Speaking of war on white men, here you go. Boys, we all know, I think, or increasingly are realizing that boys are moving are moving away from sort of the more progressive,

boys that spend time online, are moving a little bit, I'm trying not to be political here, but are moving to the right. And being sort of influenced by the Andrew Tates and some of that sort of alt-right socialization online that we know is very, very dangerous. my husband and I were alarmed when our kids were watching sports online,

and my son knew about Andrew Tate and thought he was pretty cool and thought that his Republican grandfather, who's not a Trumper, but a fiscal conservative, thought that my father would like Andrew Tate. So that's scary. We were like one of the most progressive households, and our son is confused and asking all these questions. We're working on legislation to hold him. hold tech companies accountable and help them be a force for good in our kids and families lives

to really provide all the best in class resources and support for youth so that they don't go down this rabbit hole of very, very dangerous and limiting narratives around ultimately what it means to be a girl and what it means to be a boy. Who even knows? Who knows? Who knows? heal this this

this gift of modern technology it's just panic panic it's so much easier to fuck everybody over when you're part of a mob right we're trying to institutionalize our values so that they carry on beyond our term yeah that's cool here's one of the values right here what they're doing at home

she may as well have been a deaf Brazilian saying I'm burning that made fucking It was just like, our boys' dolls. Wait, wait, what was that? I've given our boys dolls. Jesus. Even if they tear the head off, I've given them dolls, to learn that care and caregiving is not just an activity that's reserved for women, but that it's also an activity that is a responsibility of men. What I've done with both my daughters and my sons is if I'm reading a book and the protagonist as a male, I just change the huge.

he to a she. And it just normalizes for my sons in particular. It's not even, I don't even just do it for my girls. I do it for my sons because I want them to see that women can be the center of a story. That women matter. That women are interesting. I do that too. I do Jack in the Beanstalk.

Jack went up to Beanstalk and his fucking fat bitch was on top eating up all the beans. And Jack said, yo, bitch, can we get some beans down? Down in Beantown? Downtown? And she goes, no. I'm too fat. I gotta eat to all the beans, Jack. And he says,

fuck this shit. Man. That would make me fucking sick, man. That would make me fucking sick. So the kid, so you're, you know, you're supposed to read to them

so they could see the words and understand, like the whole, the process of reading is like a hijacking of our facial recognition abilities. So they like kick in automatically as you read

and they see the words on the page and hear what you're, saying? If you're saying the wrong fucking words, you're kind of confusing them what they're seeing with their eyes, which is the same thing you do in every other capacity. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but

it just seems particularly perverted when done at that level. It's very silly. The three little pigs built houses. The three little pigs were women, by the way. And there was nothing little about them. There was nothing little about them. They were fatter than

shit. They were shopping all day so they fucked around and didn't have time to build their houses. Big Bad Wolf also a woman. Huge whore. The three mud covered pigs. The three what? Mud covered pigs. Three fat bitches built their

houses out of Instagram ads, debt. And the last one married a memorabilia. An old woman who's a producer.

She had she had private security. Old lesbian. An old pig lesbian. The third pig built her house out of with the old...

I can't say any of the slurs. Pig that she married. There you go. Big bad wolf also a stupid bitch. Because women don't do anything. Are you going to tell kids... How are you going to tell your son that women are so interesting?

Where? Where the fuck is this happening? well you know a woman had a had a retarded company where she said a drop of blood will magically tell you all these things about you that no one gives a shit about Can I have your blood? Why? I can tell you if you have like a jumbus disease. Oh, I don't give a shit about that Why is everyone promoting this gay ass company all the time that obviously doesn't fucking work? Well, you see everyone wants to see some lady win man. Oh my god. What are they doing besides like crying? about what is the woman news about ever? Crying about more

money. We're not getting enough money. We're athletes and we want more money. Actually, everything that you do is like, all athletes are fucking dumb. Everything that they're doing is fucking stupid. Why are they getting, they're only getting money at all because fucking dumb people are addicted to it. So who are you crying? They're crying.

Crying about wanting more money. Wow, I'm home. What am I doing at home? Woman crying about wanting more money to spend. I go outside. What are women crying about wanting to have more money to spend. That's the book. You know, the intro to the Jetsons got it right.

Enter the fucking Jetsons. Fucking shit, man. What was Judy doing the intro to the Jetsons? Everyone was thinking out of his wallet. Yeah, but was she doing anything specifically? No, I think she took the most, maybe. Jane took the most. She took the whole wallet.

That's right. She only left him a dollar. Man. You have a fucking flying car, but you get left with a fucking dollar? Like, what do you get to eat that day even? he should go into work man Rudy he's like what's up most my fucking bitch wife

only gave me only gave me a hundred dollars to eat today so I guess I'm getting fucking granola out of the granola machine well you're in space so all the granola is just fucking floating around you while you're trying to eat that bar what is a protagonist book that you're changing

from a male what a god she must have been pissed that she got boys to castrate them so she got him dolls and shit she's trying to show them all this girl shit oh my god caretaking bitch what are you fucking talking about how about not getting raped by immigrants that's a that's what you need to teach boys right now yeah because they're going to be totally fucked get those motherfuckers some piece of plywood couple two by fours show them how to jump off a fucking bike ramp

yeah you know end up in the ER with some broken teeth girls are interesting too you mean you're interesting. Is that what you mean to say? You're interesting? Because that's what it sounds like. Come talk at our interesting seminar. We've got a bunch of interesting women here to tell you about how interesting they are. Would you rather sit through that or a time share?

Who's is a woman giving the time share? No. How come not one of them is funny? Like not one woman goes up and they're going, you know what? And women are so interesting. And like, you know what I mean?

It's just not even the lesbians do it. Like the gay men will at least go like, look at me. I'm a man. I'm, look at me. I'm chewing while I'm straight. It's funny. Can't even do it. No self-reflection at all.

All right, here's another one. Well, it's a self-fulfilling thing, right? It's because no matter, you can talk to any woman. Yeah. And they'll be like, I don't get why people say like, all women hate each other. I get along with women just fine. I hate women. Same thing with like, I don't see why people say women are so funny.

Like, I'm pretty funny. Not funny. Yeah, it's just like those two things are just like, damn, it never... Yeah, they're never good at math. It's just, like, funny. It's like the two greatest, like, Achilles heels. Like, you can... They want to be funny so bad.

Because everyone's always laughing at them. Because they want to fuck them. So they just can't process it. Right. Well, that and the, like, women can be friends. I don't care what you're talking. And every fucking time, it's like, oh, no, you guys just hate each other.

You hate each other. All fucking. hate each other. Like, at least you guys see we experience. Like, we hate you guys too. But like like, but that whole myth of like, we got a band together and do this. It's like, no, you all hate

each other. Band together to what? Give more money? And then who gets it? Well, then they fight amongst themselves. Yeah. Yeah. You can't give anybody anything. It fucks up their brain. You give, you give poor people, immigrants, you give them free stuff, and they're like,

we deserved it. You gave it to us because we deserved it. And they start figuring out reasons why they deserved it. Like, oh, because slavery. It works entirely backwards. Yeah, it works. Every time you give anybody anything, it fucks up their brain, like a math problem. Like with robot, you know, like in the cartoons, you're like robots divide by zero. And they're like, if you give a worthless person anything, probably anybody anything.

But at least, you know, people who can do stuff aren't going to be, well, I guess maybe they get free. They give free shit too. You give anybody anything. and they start building these elaborate theories on why they deserve it. I deserve this because the economy needs to keep going. If you give Obama cookie.

Yeah. Don't. Give them a fucking punch right in their face. You go, pop. Guess what? You'll do the same thing. You give a poor person anybody a pop right in their fucking mouth and their brain will invent his whole fucking mythology

of why they deserve that. So do whatever you want. create stories. Yeah, people are real good at that. Rationalizing what happened to them. I got all this stuff because I'm the best. This stuff happened to me because I suck. It's true.

You're correct. The suck person is correct. Do you see the quarterings flagging everybody now? Oh, man. I got one more of these newsome. I hope he wins president. That would be pretty funny. Because I feel like he knows he's lying.

Like he knows he's lying. I mean, look. him. He's like a Barbie and Kendall. You know? Don't tell me he's not... That's all these guys are doing is out here lying, man. Newsom told black people to come up with how much they want for reparations and then he told them it wasn't enough.

That's who I want as president. That's pretty funny. You know, I want a guy as Israel, you know what? How many bombs do you want? It's not enough. You need more. But I want somebody to Israel, Israel. like actually we should attack we should nuke china and they're like whoa whoa well uh i don't know if that's such a good let's do it let's you know that's what newsome would do that would be pretty funny he's just he's

totally insane look at his he's got a fuck he's got him he made kids with this give my son dolls what the fuck this dolls going wee yeah out of here like every problem that we have in society right now will be fixed when women come together and partner with our male allies and other allies but when more women are in the rooms making decisions changing the sense i'm sorry women doing what making what what was that word making a what a woman making a what decisions um decisions are in the rooms making decisions uh huh

That's crazy Surveys Hey we asked 100 people What women are good at making Decisions Survey says We asked 10 million people Changing the status quo

And transforming not just our culture But our society and our economy I'll give you one example Okay Look at Silicon Valley Wasn't she raped by Harvey Weinstein Had more women been Early on in those companies

Or at the tables of power making decisions, I don't think we would have so much, uh, or have allowed for so much sort of bigotry, racism, misogyny, and hate crime. I don't think that we would have the anonymity of it. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah. That's unkind. That's not okay. You can't make money off of that about dividing people, misinforming people. Um, you know, if women were involved in the, bullying people, bullying people. bullying people. There wouldn't be any bullying packets. There wouldn't be, you'd have to mark all of your internet traffic as nice or not nice.

And we would simply filter the not nice packets into the garbage, into the trash, into the computer trash. That's what we just needed more women around in the early foundations of the internet. And we would say, you can't profit on meanness. You can't call us fat. you can't have we gotta do i can i can see it too i can see it now uh all this electricity is anonymous well that simply won't do we have to have some sort of we have to have we can't have anonymous electricity flying around well yeah that could be used for bad vibes that could be bad vibes why weren't why weren't more women involved in this uh process should have gone all the way

back. We should have had women involved in manufacturing, automated manufacturing fleets, you know? Henry Ford should have involved them in the assembly line process. Yeah. So women could have simply got involved and said, well, if someone's going to use this for something mean,

we can't do it. Can't allow it. Fucking brilliant. Well, then make one thing. Like, just go, get every woman on earth in the same room and make one fucking thing. Go for it.

You've only had 100,000 years to do it. Go for it. The only thing they'd know how to make is their water where they dump like three different flavor packets until like a big ass fucking thing of water. There's no meanness there. I've got my pineapple

and I've got a little tray around my Stanley Cup that has peanut brickel and spaghetti and fucking gum. That's what I that's it that's your contribution

it's modern women's contribution and that fucking dance and going around Silicon Valley where they work and showing off the cereal bar that's it that's it oh

fucking annoying she's gonna be she's gonna be Mrs. First Lady though I guess all right what was I doing Canada uh

oh yeah oh that guy that killed the Ukrainian girl's unfit for trial. That's too bad. Let's see. That's kind of to be expected, right? Yeah. Remember that white lady that guy or that Ukrainian girl that got that got killed, stabbed? Remember that? He is found mentally incompetent to proceed in the Charlotte Rail killing. I guess if you get killed by a black guy now, you just kind of like, shrug and you just got to walk it off right there's no yeah like there's no if the jury isn't if the jury isn't 70% black and they'll just decide for the person the same race as them then you

have a bunch of other people who are retarded and watch television and think that like think that the thing whatever they need to see in trial is like video evidence if they don't see video evidence of whatever happened. They're like, well, you know, it could have been anybody. So there's no, I mean, there's no, there's no possible way for what we have is court and criminal prosecution to work anymore. Am I right on that? Does that, does that track? Sounds about right to me. Because either you got a bunch of racial in preference, racist, racial in preferences, let criminals go. You've got highly politicized DAs and, courts and stuff that will let them go,

or you've got fucking morons who grew up on CSI who want video of everything. Yeah, that's kind of what happened. Because at first it all makes sense, right? Yeah. Over time, it becomes, it's like, well, we've been able to get away with this a little more,

and then it's just like those... Totally unraveled. Yeah, and before you know it, it's like now you have this like, well, I couldn't possibly be in another room full of my peers and express what I really think, because then other like Yeah I'll go to jail

Yeah So then I'll be in jail Not doing that Uh Well that's too bad We gotta We gotta get rid of this This jury shit's not working

Because even the Even the non-racist juries Are too stupid To send anybody to jail Seems like We need Robocop To show up Just say busted

And start to lay people down Yeah That'd be awesome I would be So if he's not If you're not Competit to see a trial Shouldn't they take all your stuff

They should kill him. Yeah. If he's unfit for trial, he's unfit. Does he have a credit card? That's what I'm saying, yeah. How's that possible? Cool. Does asshole just killing people and being adrain on?

Be either one or the other. Yeah, you shouldn't be able to have hair if you're not fit to stand trial. You might fucking choke on your hair and die. Yeah. You shouldn't be able to, you should be in a home, like a home for retarded people. Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, you can get out of it, but you have to go to the, you have to go live in a home. Like one flew over the cuckus nest.

Isn't that the point? Got to live on a garbage patch out in this fucking ocean, man. Gotta live in the garbage pyre. That's the new Australia. We're going to send all the criminals out there. Man, that'd be great. Here's a snorkel and a trash bag. Once you fill up the trash bag, you can come home.

That would be crazy if instead of taking all of Australia's like criminals and sending them over. Yeah. Send all the aboriginals over. To where? To the garbage land? To the new ocean? Like, well, we already feel. figured this one out. You guys take that other

one. Yeah. Have you seen the Chinese fishing fleets? Yeah. Coming in and just taking all the fish in the whole area? Dude, that shit kind of worries me sometimes. Me fucking too. I don't like that. No.

I don't like that at all. Because they don't give a fuck. No, and they don't all give a fuck altogether. Yeah, it's collectively like it's way better than I'm not giving it fuck yeah because they're on autopilot they're like oh you're speaking in English like no

no we have to fish here we were told to fish here okay we have 500 million bagillion years of history on this earth you can't tell us what they do they have like a net like the size of the whole ocean tell them bring out the whole ocean man yeah it sucks I'm like look do you guys eat like bird nests and shit

like what do you mean you need every fucking fish too can you guys eat rocks or stuff yeah you can't tell the difference yeah go back to eating bird shit they just like if it moves or I guess if it doesn't move too they'll eat it yeah they're really they're really fucked up

I guess they're gonna win though they've really mastered the art of like creating a sauce so good you know how like you ever watch diners drive-ins and dives where guy if you have he's like, man, you could put this on a flip flop and I'd eat it. No, but that sounds like something he would say. Yeah, well, dude, I was on a bunch of acid one time and Power Watch that whole fucking show. Dude, he says it like 18 times.

I'm like, this guy just wants an excuse to eat a fucking flip flop, dog. Like, he's gunning for it. He's like, oh, man. Someone's going to dare me one of these days to eat a flip flop. That's the only thing. So that show. became about the hunt to find a good enough sauce where he could

actually eat a flip-pop. Yeah, finally. Like, that's what the core of the show is. That's why he goes to so many restaurants. Why did he get so much shit? Oh, what are you going to say? But I was going to say, in a similar thing where they're like, well, yeah, just put session on sauce on it. Like, it'll taste great. Orange glaze on that? Cool. Do this Peking style? You'll eat that

fucking tree branch. Yeah. They'll just like, you'll eat this flip-flop even. Maybe we need Israel after all. to go after China I don't want to have to eat flip flops I don't want to eat flip flops either I'd like to eat some fish

I don't want to know a sauce that would be good enough to make flip flops edible either uh okay yeah unfit for trial it just seems like he should lose a bunch of other stuff like you can't can you rent a car after you've been unfit for trial you shouldn't be able to they probably just give you the car give you like a cardboard car

that cardboard fucking car man hey maybe that's where he was stationed at uh okay here's a good one woman alert woman alert a wedding weekend woman alert no spouse required sign me up

that sounds awesome no I paid for a New York Times subscription get out of here I think I sign when with my Google. Yeah, you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, what?

No, I didn't. Only one more dollar per week? Only a dollar. Continue with Google. Maybe it was this account. I signed up so this would stop happening to me. Oh, come on, man. Continue without subscribing.

For some single women, you've unlocked a seven-day free trial. Okay? Continue with... Come on. it's so shitty that the news went from being like well we could never possibly go bankrupt to like this level of like

this level of like uh shill of like um nickel and diming yeah you read two sentences why don't you just give us a dollar per week now and it's like oh defaulted to pay now fuck you that's so we can't process your inquiry god fuck this well i thought it would be funny but It's only 52 bucks for the whole year. They won't even charge me.

I'm not spending 50 fucking bucks on the news. Fuck that. Yeah, seriously. How about view page source? There's some single women. Content. Uh, I can't read that. Absolutely brilliant.

So what? These women just, like, throw weddings for themselves? Yeah. Doesn't that sound cool? I don't even want to go. to weddings in general. That's all they want to do. It's just like weddings over and over and over.

Single-sided wedding? Yeah. All right, I'm going to try this one more time. This doesn't work. If this doesn't work, then I quit. We can't process your card due to technical difficulties. Okay. Well, maybe somebody reposted it on Reddit.

You know what? People reports a bride is going viral after the no kids policy at her wedding. Shut up. What were you going to say? Like, do you think it's just fat bitches who just loved the next day? Like the day after a wedding, whenever we go to brunch? Yeah. They just want to fucking get bottomless mimoses and eat a fucking pig stroth full food.

Probably. Probably that. Oh, God. What a mess. Bitches get a tahean rim on a whole fucking pig troth. uh waters all oh baby clicked off a plane

soCal college bans men from the gym areas to make women and non-binary students more comfortable those uncomfortable but I assume they're being comfortable so cow college band's men from gym areas

to make women non-binary students more uncomfortable did you guys have a typo in this that can't be right more comfortable More comfortable. Yeah, that's what I thought. Remember when Yahoo News tweeted out something about having a much bigger Navy,

but someone missed the B and the N-key? Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't see that. Oh, that was years ago, dude. I saw that and was like, oh, go ahead and screen grab that. Men will be barred from using parts of an on-campus gym at the University of Southern California at USC. Oh, my God.

under a new initiative to make women and non-binary gym goers feel more comfortable while working out well more comfortable from what? Getting raped? The non-binary thinks they're getting... Who was to rape a refrigerator?

That's what you see the guys all in packs, you know? Let me get some non-binary. Let me find a they-them to stick my dick in. Ooh, yeah. I'd love to feel her snatch and or weaner

let me see that cut let me what do I got to do to see that cut and or schlong I haven't stopped laughing about that email since we went over it again that's the craziest

fucking line one good thing at the zoo though I think it was penis day at the zoo because First of all, the rhinoceros had Giant dong He came over and started eating hay

And he's fucking giant erection Shot out You've ever been excited about a meal And everyone was Yeah So my dad said he's like Wow he's really excited about that hay And everybody's freaking out

You know That's what I'm saying If you wave with the monkeys They'll start throwing shit So if you stand back While everyone's taking pictures Start waving out Oh man

My wife's like, don't let him see the, don't let him see the wiener. Like, he fucking has a wiener. You shouldn't be looking at it. Or? What do you mean? Him? He sees every fucking day. And then a chimp came up and was like, legs in different time zones right at the front.

Fucking chimp weiner sticking down. I was like, whoa, I've never seen that shit. Fucking chimp dinged on. Dude, get a load of that. Not that big. You gotta wait until they do the dance, man. The hopping dance? I haven't seen that.

Oh, it's the best. The student assembly, we're making these people crazy. It's like Chad GPT just took over where where college administrators left off. It's like everybody can go to college and get their brain scrambled on ChatGPT. You can just do that at home now. The Student Assembly for Gender Improvement,

Sage pushed for the new rules in partnership with the Lion Center a recreational facility controlled by the university and that's awesome two groups got together to do something so stupid

Sage describes itself as programming assembly and intersectional feminist organization under the student government committed to uplifting all voices oppressed by the patriarchy this shit is like is it it is

we're gonna I'm gonna die just reliving a married with children episode every fucking week. Every day. Waking up, seeing what some dumb bitch has tried to sneak past somebody and trying to stop it and losing. Oh, you can't have men going to the gym together.

Well, yeah, because the women in the refrigerators are afraid of getting raped. Oh. Why don't we just put us in a little box, buried underground. So no one has to deal with I guess you still be afraid Men might bust out of the coffin underground like night of living dead And go on a rape frenzy on all the refrigerators

I guess that's still a possibility You this article just reminded me That we hate government right It's a pretty A pretty dumb thing I think I hate student government more Yeah that's like Yeah the smaller the government the more I hate them actually

Yeah because it's a pretty Because it's like, what do you mean government? You're paying a fuck ton of money to go, like, talk to some administrator about, we want this, we want this. And they're like, yeah, okay, sure, whatever, idiot. The plan excludes men from working out in portions of the Robinson Room at the Lyons Center on Mondays and Wednesdays from 10 to 11 a.m. That's when they really, that's when the men get really rape crazy from 10 to 11. Are they afraid because they're so fat? they don't want to get made fun of.

Is that the real reason? That's the real reason. All the non-binary refrigerators and beanbags. All the appliances can come out and use the equipment wrong. And get on the treadmill for 10 minutes at zero incline. And then have a shake. I have an Oreo fucking protein shake. Dude, that's how I know we were hitting critical mass.

I'm like, why are all the protein products birthday cake flavored? Dude, they are. They are like Oreo. cookie pepper cake the hell who's this for that's exactly

I'm like what happened is like I tried looking for a tiger's milk bar the other day yeah just classic like old school

like that and like a power bar right just like old school kind of like no you sit in the garage you lift weights

you smoke cigarettes while you're doing it and you fucking cool off with some fucking beer yeah cool but it's all this

fucking like here's protein cookies here's a protein cupcake here's and I'm like man it's like a candy factory.

Yeah, I'm like, none of this shit could be good for you. Like, I'd rather just eat some garbage after a workout and enjoy my garbage. Student Mazinge Wu,

a senior majoring in neuroscience. It's fucking incredible. This is exactly, this is exactly who I want in neuroscience. A fucking idiot. This is great. And who did not get a place at USC medical school,

neuroscience school, because fucking gooey mazinga got a spot the idiot feminist that wants to shut the gym down for an hour to keep the rapists out

the move is meant to address the discomfort working out in a men in men dominated that's it the moved

did they quote her exactly student mengze wu a senior majoring in neuroscience the moved is meant to address

her discomfort working out in men-dominated. What the fuck is that? Not even an LLM would fuck that up. My past experiences with being in enclosed spaces where it's very men-dominated have never been super pleasant, Wu told the Daily Trojan. There tends to be this problem

where I don't get to take up a lot of space unless I really assert myself. And even then, I face a lot of hindrance in feeling completely comfortable. dude there is no there is no place for that kind of attitude outside of domestic work

homework there's no there's no place for this isn't this is totally insane insane mindset insane attitude insane persecution complex you need to be

you need to be in an asylum of one called being a housewife that's a little asylum built for you You, your personal taste by a man. So you don't have to deal with this level of neuroses. This bitch needs the Taibo tapes to do from home.

Yeah. Does she have a picture up? Let's see. Mazingay Wu. Uh, oh, really. Huh. Okay. Oh, San Diego.

Shocker. Uh. Hey, wait a second. That's not Irvine. Me thinks. the lady doth protest too much. Okay, well, cool.

Have fun with that. Let's do some comments. John says, whoa, man, I was just about to go to Greenland. I'll check this out real quick. I think he was talking about the bonus episode. Thank you, John. Rabinat says this,

this is a gold mine, only fan's advice. Reddit of only fans' advice. Let's see here. Is it truly a gold mine? any time we'll tell don't talk to me about printers

the jam man in the Reddit chat never spend period oh it's a bunch of only fans girls talking about not making money I need to get rid of the Indians on Instagram

don't we all I've tried everything my videos are now getting a vast majority Indian audience and it's completely screwed up my revenue. That sucks. Man. Any advice would be super helpful. I'm genuinely so done with this and frustrated with Instagram that I can't ban

an entire country from brewing my shit. Thank you so much. Yeah. It really is a real mystery why you can't just sign and go, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. edit I've genuinely tried like everything archiving videos that get flooded with the Indians adjusting the minimum age to 25 plus in India and my views get screwed when I do that so I'm like okay it's been a few days maybe I can unarchive and remove the age limit

then immediately they spun right with the fuck back in I can't get rid of them I don't subscribe to my they don't subscribe to my only fans and now American viewers are hardly seeing my pub Oh, you're just giving it away for free. I love the only fan stuff because it's like the only women that have to work. Like, they really have to actually work the job. Like a woman with a real job doesn't do any work. Ironically.

Behind a Windows 11 terminal. Answering emails. You know? It's just what they're doing at home, but they're doing it in an office with free cereal. Spend more time writing about your email signature. Yeah Yeah It's like

Every woman with a real With a quote unquote real job Just planning her birthday week Like you know Indefinitely But Instagram Everyone's only fans girls Have to actually work

They like look this is like They're messing at my views There's all kinds of thinking That goes into this Super burnout Honestly I'm incredibly burn out With this all

Oh yeah Are you? That's a shame This is my main source of income So without this I would struggle immensely Like, my main source of incomes Without this, yeah

I'm also supporting another person With my pay right now Okay Taking a break isn't an option for me I love that they have to say that Yeah I've never Maybe I can take a break

I better tell everyone that I can't take a break From working It's like everyone's writing into Like a fucking Caleb Hammer show Yeah. This is everything on paper. Creator discrimination is real. I have a bad habit of interacting on non-sexual subs.

They make you feel like you're some sort of criminal for selling content. I think we haven't progressed much since medieval times. Oh, yeah. Use VPN being... Okay. How can you beat the Indian one? You can't. Brent Rinky says,

Woman Alert she can see angels and demons. Woman Alert. Woman Alert. It's eight minutes long. Just watch the beginning. Alright. I am so nervous to make this video. Hello, I'm terrified to announce this to the world.

However, I am being forcing into my will to say this. But I can see angels and demons and other supernatural beings. Let's talk about it. Um, so this may, I, here we are. So, so time, in November of 2024, I was texting my brother, um, about Thanksgiving. He had made the decision not to come to Thanksgiving and I being his little sister, uh, was annoying him about the fact that he had missed two Thanksgiving. Um, anyway, long story short, I was being a menace. I was, I was telling him that he's rude, whatever. yada yada. And I was doing it on purpose to kind of like ruffle his feathers as sisters do.

And he was texting me back. We kind of were getting into it. And all of a sudden, I felt like I wasn't talking to my brother anymore. I felt like I was talking. And this is going to sound really crazy. I felt like I was talking to an ancient being. Get the fuck out of here. This is real? I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. So anyway, I started to get a little bit freaked out by it. And I, I, was kind of just reading the messages again, like trying to discern, honestly, what was happening. Like, where was the disconnect? So I'm looking at my phone, and all of a sudden, I'm sitting in my dining room,

and I'm staring at my phone, text my brother, and all of a sudden I look up, and when I look up, I am inside of my brother's room. My brother lives states away from me, so that's impossible. I've never been to his house. No, this is, this is rage bait. Got to be. What do you think, Johnny?

I'm going with rage bait. I'm going with rage bait. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's told too well.

The ancient being is kind of funny, though. Yeah. I don't believe it. Otherwise, she would be more schizo. Okay. Spencer says, woman alert. All right. Women alert.

Woman alert Okay It's a woman She's drilling She's drilling some wood together And it looks like she's drilling it Oh she's drilling a hook onto a frame

That's gonna then the frame is meant to hang on the wall Okay. Can you please get down? And the little boy, her eight-year-old son climbs up on the table and points out that she's She's put the frame and the hook on a table, another wood table, and drilled through the frame into the table. He says, you drilled into the table. He hasn't learned the words, you dumb bitch yet. he needs he hasn't worked on his timing yet right you let it play out so you can watch her try to pull it off the table yeah do it when she's about to scream

it's just a little kid how did she did both of them she drilled both of them into the It was all hard to lift. You got too big of screws. You got two big of screws. Too small a slice, man. You got two big of screws, dummy. Bridget Gonzalez says, Thanks, now I have it in the back of my mind

that I might just be thirsty when I'm getting bitchy. Drinking so much water today as I attempt to stifle the rage. You're welcome. Not the Mothman. Is Eric July making chick tracks now? Is Eric July making chick tracks? I saw that he Eric had a new thing

where you can buy you can support him and then you don't even have to buy a comic you can just give him money it said you can just throw in a couple bucks That's cool Yeah minimum of like a dollar

You can just throw in a couple bucks If you want to help the company out If you want to help the comic company out Off to a great start Who do you think is gonna Who do you think is gonna win The Super Killer versus Superkillers Fight

dude i don't know man you have one comic with a bunch of motivated people working on it and then one that is some mystery amount of done it's almost done i heard this week i've also heard such things

god how long have we been hearing these things oh man so i mean it it could be 99.8% he could be Really no one cares anymore.

That's really what it's... Really? Yeah. I want to see how many people will actually pay for the shipping. That's the real... That's the real interesting number. Because like 4,000 people backed it, I think. I wonder how many people are going to pay extra for the shipping.

Man. Like when you get that email and say, hey, the thing you ordered four years ago, it's ready. Can you pony up another six bucks? to get it delivered that's going to be that's going to be either I could be wrong

I mean it could be 100% but man I doubt it I don't know about you but I can get severe heartburn when I got unfinished projects man yeah yeah me too

I still have to do a silly pants dance oh fuck I dropped the ball on that one that was my fault Well, we ever know Are we ever going to know How many people pay the extra for the shipping?

Yeah. Well, I apologize if you. How many people are going to take a picture of it sitting on their bed? I hope at least one. Chris Primers says, Germany goes too far. This is astonishing. Idling your car is illegal? Really?

Man. No Mexicans in Germany, I guess. Idling your car. There, a lot of hoes dress up, like, dress up to go to the zoo. It's like, don't you hose? It's like, it's like 10.30 a.m. Get out of here, you hose. Yeah, be gone, you fucking hose.

Get the hell out of here. You're wearing. It's your ass to the club or something. Why are you even up? It's put shoes you could walk in, bitch. Put a top on. help my car's heating has been turned off the German authorities forced car manufacturers

to turn off the heating of windows and seats and cars because of the fight for the environment God, that's so fucking stupid This feature is still available for all electric cars and vehicles With the ability to recharge from the network For cars with a conventional drive It turns on only when the engine is running Oh, so they just punish people who don't have electric cars

So if you have a normal car, you can't run your seat heater anymore because fuck you. Meanwhile, India is dumping bodies into every bit of water they can find. India found a way to inject poop into subatomic particles that they're doing. They invented a new power source. Subatomic poop particles. Subatomic poop particles. That's how deep the pollution is over there. That's fucking crazy.

and we're doing no more heated as car seats Germany, a small country just wipe it out, man get rid of it India, yeah

all of them let's get rid of some country, you know as a warning it's like you know what we just let that country get fucking wiped out as a warning to all the other countries to stop screwing around that's it I don't care which country it is

Even Iran I don't care anymore Liam A fat they them does comedy Okay let's check it out Liam thanks Have you seen this one You recognize it by the URL

There you go Oh whoa whoa whoa Wait a minute This is Whoa It looks like butter bean in a dress or in a halter top What ever kind of top that is?

Jesus, a fat, bald woman with horrible tattoos It looks like Idubs his wife. All a fruit, afraid of commitment. What? My ex! Yay! Another thing you should know is that

because I was moving to Tucson, my primary relationship was going to become long distance. Now, the good news is that As of today, there's no more long distance. The bad news is there's also no more relationship. I know. Very sad. She's got to, she can't remember these?

She's got to read them off like a PowerPoint. Dude. This is bad. It's okay, though. He was kind of a weird guy. Oh, oh, really? Really? The guy that was fucking you was weird?

Really? Really? Really? The guy that was fucking a gigantic fat thumb. A pale, a flesh-colored slimer with legs. That guy was weird. Oh, really. Even for fat queers, he was weird.

Nine pet snakes. Nine. And I like to consider myself an understanding person. But that's like six snakes too many for one person to have. Is this a gay? See, this is not This is trauma dumping

This isn't what Being gay is about Johnny Being gay is about being seen Not heard Being gay is not about Do you think the gay men Of

Time Sitting around thinking God if only we could have a big fat Woman tell us some jokes about Her ex They Them's snakes You think they were I don't even know what Stonewall is

And I know they weren't doing that they weren't fighting for that at whatever that happened to be. I just like, is this what LGBT is? No, it's about like other stuff. Not this. She's like, well, I could tolerate three snakes. Yeah. I bet you could tolerate all nine.

I bet probably more. She did tolerate all nine snakes. I thought she was going to mistake them for a handful of spaghetti. Oh, yeah. Could be. It's in a moldy trailer in his parents' driveway. And it's just like, come on, dude You're 28, have some self-respect.

Be like me and live inside your dad's house. You have a dad? Some of you might wonder how I'm a lesbian who's had a recent partner that uses him pronouns. Notice how out of breath she is? Is that part of the act? Some of you may be wondering how a lesbian.

It's like Krusty the clown run a marathon. Yeah. The truth is I've just never been that good at math. The actual truth is that he was transmask. Okay, no, I'm sharing for the transmask people, okay. What the fuck? That's all just like pity points.

Like what? I said the thing. Like, you got to clap for it. Transmask? Does that mean you're just like a butch, like a woman? Like a... Like... I just stopped caring, dude

Yeah It's like Again, I don't know if it's because Too many people got involved But it was like Too many people are on the trans train Well it's like here's like rock music Here's techno

Here's like fucking reggae Here's this now it's like Well now I got this This unique EDM dub This is New Metal This is Mellow Death Corps Like bro New Metal I do appreciate

I don't even know. I don't know what it is. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, it's like, I don't care what the fuck this is. It's up. This is Prague rock. I don't. I don't really know.

I don't care. Sounds like medieval shit to me, man. Yeah, why does it always get to that? Have we talked about that? Woman Alert. Okay. Women Alert. That's great.

I could see that her. She's going to go far. I lived an entire life while I was in a coma. I even gave birth to triplets. I was devastated that none of it was real. Put her back in the coma then. That's what she was. Yeah, go back in the coma then, bitch.

Clea Verdeer has vivid memories of giving birth to triplets. She remembers the agonizing pain of labor. The joy of holding her daughters for the first time and the devastation when one died soon after. the only catch she was never pregnant never went into labor

and never became a mom in reality she was in a medically induced coma in a hospital the entire time verdure isn't the first to dream up a whole life for themselves while in a coma only to wake up and discover that none of it was real oh really

called a dream you mean she's not the first person to have a dream and then tell everyone about it Wow Telling me for the first time But for Verdeer 19 from Lyon, France

She's from lying, the town of lying It was especially complicated To come to grips with the realization That the baby she felt Like she'd given birth to Never even existed Why are they making her insane like this? Why didn't someone just say

Hey, shut up about your dream Stop talking about it Yeah It's annoying Kids talk about their dreams Shut up She explained to the Daily Mail that she made serious suicide attempts

by taking a large account of amount of medication and was placed into a medically induced coma for three weeks. Oh, so she was crazy before. Okay. She remembers having extremely intense dreams and nightmares during the coma. But because she was not aware that she was in a coma,

they became her reality. What the fuck, dude? Is this like a... I swear they're giving updates. It's to women's software. Every once in a while, they send out a firmware update to women that gives them new dimensions of insanity to bother you with. Like, they're all going to see this in their minds,

and they're going to upgrade their firmware into, oh, yeah, I got to, like, I have, like, a persistent dream state where I have a bunch of kids. It's always, like, same with, like, UFO shit, right? People can only describe, like, alien experiences, based on what other people have said. Shit they saw on TV, yeah. Yeah, and it's just kind of like it's becoming that now.

Yeah, why is, why are the whole cultural UFO experiences similar? Because they're fucking lying. Yeah. They heard some idiot get attention by saying there's a ghost train. And they, and then they said, I'm gonna fucking go to town over there

and say that shit. Yeah. Because they're not funny. Normal people hear jokes. I'm like, I'm gonna tell a joke. Make everyone laugh. Yeah. They're like, oh yeah, aliens fucking, yeah.

I'm just going to make up a bunch of bullshit Say retarded stuff They send this out to Yeah exactly And now women are gonna go Oh yeah I was in a coma once Yeah when when my coma experience happens My coma journey

Because past lives got made fun of too much So they can't do that anymore Regressions out That bug got fixed in women Yeah So they fucking Cooked up a new bug Mm-hmm.

One dream in particular has stuck with her, the one in which she became a mother. She explained that it seemed so real she could feel both physical and emotional pain throughout the hallucination. Oh, really? Can you feel like not sleeping at all? Is that part of the...

Yeah, you have a dream where you don't eat everything in the whole house? This is exactly the level of looks I would think would make up this kind of shit. not having not quite pretty having elements exaggerated that would be

considered pretty but having other elements that are on the ugly side the mishmash of like ugly and pretty features always induce a level of insanity in women that you will not find anywhere else it's like borderline like waysian psychosis yeah

exactly. I don't belong here, so I must belong in another reality. Yeah, that's exactly what I would think. She looked like. I could feel so many things. And I dreamed about giving birth. I felt distress.

I also felt a lot of pain. Okay. I can put her in a mental institution. Put all of them in a fucking mental institution. Chad Klawing. He says, talk about the quartering Kino Casino drama, the Eric Swalwell sexual assault, and Randy Fine.

The Quartering flagged Kino Casino. Did you see that? I did see that. What a fat asshole, man. Quartering had should have to give them his house. He should. Because the quartering got, he has a house because of YouTube. And then he took away their YouTube.

So he should have to give them his house. I think that's fair. Simple, easy one-to-one trade. It's their house now. It's Keino Casino's house that the quartering is living in. It's the Kino-Hausino, dude. His wife, I guess, was fucking some... He had some guy who's like a bull come over and...

And he fucked his wife, I guess. Something? I don't know. I didn't follow the whole story, but I know... I mean, if a guy is getting pissed off like that, his wife's getting fucked. I've got bad news from the obvious times. And the only reason man's getting that upset is because his wife's fucking another guy. Just absolutely self-immolation, man.

Yeah. We were talking about the biggest problem. Vita's like, he needs to have thicker skin. Like, what are you? Who's saying this? You? Okay. I guess.

And Matt Jarbo, the Boulder guy, came out and said, this is your new life now. Take it from me. He's totally right. So the quartering said, the quartering called up Josh Moon. I don't know why people think Null is, I'm sorry I said his name. I don't know why they think Null is like the liaison for the bad guys. Like the receptionist that like the bad guy offices.

Ding, ding, ding, ding. Some of your bad guys are making fun of my wife fucking another guy. No. I'm not having a good time. No, on the internet. Can I get some customer service here? And he wanted to, the quartering, I'm not going to read his message again. It is kind of funny.

He wanted to broker a truce where the keynote casino stops making fun of his wife, which they're not even really making fun of his wife. If your wife's getting fucked by a bull, it's making fun of you. That's not making fun of your wife. Oh, your wife's fucking another guy. How dare you make fun of my wife? I'm not making fun of your wife. Hey, you pathetic.

Hey, you fucking loser. Hey, you drunk loser with no dick game. That's how deep his like psychosis. This internet psychosis destroys people. Having to call null means you've like really fucked up somewhere. You fucked up. Yeah.

If you're bringing null up, like he's Mephistophiles. he's a he's a he's a haides from hercules he's threatening the devil he's calling null up and saying and he called the quartering called null up he's dmming him he's and then he really call him up but it's figure of speech um and he said he said he's going to destroy the keno casino and get their channels taken down and that it would be easy for him it would take one phone call from him. And he's sure he could do it. It kind of implied that he did it, he's done it before, and he said he could do it because he has a non-Indian customer support liaison at YouTube. And that's how important he is to YouTube, that they gave him a white customer service,

that they gave him a white N-word, essentially. He's like, I'm such a big shot, I got a white N-word for a slave, right? so then and then he calls up the CEO of a kick and starts like pretending to do business things with him obviously he can worm his way in there

and fuck up their chant and ruin their lives so they can't have anything and I say this as it's really um really violent

and cowardly thing to do. It's very, but it's more violent, I think, what the quartering's doing, Takeda Casino. And I say this from the position of someone who's never been able to have anything. Like I have never, never been allowed on YouTube. Never been allowed. I was off Twitter for seven years, you know, could never do anything, could never make anything. And it fucking sucks. And those guys are doing, they have a huge audience now. Because they've had, they've just had

hit after hit, right? All the good ones on there, man. I mean, they've had like six Maddox's in a row those guys. Yeah. So they're living the high life. For the quartering to come in, who basically his entire

content is just creating, is just ginning of hate mobs against like IP, like Marvel. It's like harnessing fanboy rage against

you know actresses that say stupid shit Okay Yeah because they're stupid That's why they're saying stupid shit For him to come in And try to destroy Everything they've made it They've made is really evil

And repugnant And he should It should destroy Everything he's built That would be just Yeah But they should at least get his house. The quartering,

I feel like the Kino Casino deserves the quartering's house. They should let him live in the backyard. And his wife. Chained up to a tree, yeah. They could, PPP and Andy can split his wife fairly. Fairly, I think they could split her fairly.

The bull, I don't know. The quartering can keep the bull for when he gets married again. Or when he finds, for when Melanie Mac eventually. Big old dinner triangle outside. I couldn't believe it. And then the quartering said after they lost their channel, he said, I didn't do anything. Look, here's my report history on YouTube. It's like, you said you'd do it by a phone call, though. And then it happened. Yeah, idiot. He said you'd do it.

You know? And then he posted his wife's, uh, fuck history. He said, see, she, I logged into my wife's sex portal and see her, there's no evidence of her having sex with a bull. So also, you know, that's clear too. You know what, dude? People are believing that. It's all these heist movies. Everyone watch this like one heist movie they're like I'm basically

Kaiser-Sose now I got all the fucking info on how to I've got all this power because I got the views yeah

it's funny to me because when Eric July was threatening to sue me quartering was right first in line whatever he was saying

you know he was retweeting Eric July saying whatever you need Eric whatever I'll show I'll help you basically implying

that he would do you know similar things or whatever he could do to fuck up my life but I don't have any of those

things. So what are you going to do? Jokes on him, man. I'm already, God already did all, everything good to me. What are you going to do? You're going to put a big pit of shit under my house? Too late. Too late, yeah. Too late, man. You're going to put me on some kind of

contractor blacklist so I can't get no stairs built in my yard? Too late. You're going to fill every fucking waking moment with fat bitches. Too late. Like your fucking wife? Too late. Fuck. Too late. Already done. You're going to make me fat and stupid Stupider every year

Fatter every year Too late You're gonna ruin all my friend's lives So I lose them to alcoholism Fucking insanity Too late They're all gone Just me

Too late Fuck This is my stand-up routine You've got to give him something He owes him everybody to give them something. I think it should be his house. Yeah.

Yeah. But that's fucked. Like, yeah, it is more violent than cowardly. It's very violent. And people kind of skate by that. He's a very violent guy.

You know, look at him. He's looking at him leering at women when he brings women on his channel. Fucking lusting after them. Yeah. Very uncomfortable. Maniac shit. it. Yeah, I hope people

don't let it go. But maybe they will. Maybe they'll just stop talking about it. I don't know. Maybe he's bull. Maybe his wife's bull will keep them in line. Quartering, you got it. You're fucking up the whole thing. You know, you had the dream. You had every

white Midwestern loser's dream. Just making millions of bucks talking about magic and video games and some stud fucking your wife i mean i'm mexican i don't know but that seems to be white so i don't want that but that seems to be white people's dream you're not white you don't know sean was italian that wasn't his dream white people's team that's the dream they just want a nice house with uh small-sized video game cabinets around them not real regular video game style cabinets they want the little ones that don't feel at all like the real game and got some kind of rome

emulator in them so it's just like it feels like a toy boy, I don't know why they want that. I want the real thing. I want the real boards. I don't want emulator with three missing frames a second. I want the real fucking thing, right? I can tell if it's 60 milliseconds behind. I just realized Sean is actually living his dream, man.

Which is to be far away from the show anymore. Everybody who could ever get a hold of them. But that's what, that's what, white, Midwestern, you know, guys, they want to call. Coffee company that don't work. Nobody wants. They want to sell coffee. Nobody wants.

They don't want to have like a brick and mortar, these people. They don't want to like be a businessman. They don't want to be a guy. And it's like... It's like you're not a guy though. You're just an asshole on YouTube. Dude,

I got so sick of seeing like all these fucking coffee brands that I just like bought a thing of Folgers recently. Yeah. It tastes like shit, but it's totally fine, man. It doesn't taste any better than...

We got sci-opted thinking like coffee's like some kind of It's just Do you have to be like a connoisseur But there's like a good version of it Yeah, it's all bad They try to do that with alcohol But I was immune to that Because I know that I'm just drinking

Because I'm addicted Like oh yeah Oh is this designer crack? Yeah, okay thanks give it to me Will this make my hand stop shaking Then yes This gin is distilled by Yeah

Give it to me Yeah But I was like totally fine I was like yeah It tastes like shitty diner coffee but like who cares? I drink all this

fancy like oh you could you could tell the cherry bourbon barrels we fucking ate and I'm like I don't give a fuck it tastes like shit

and I still have to put shit in it anyway so who gives the fuck let's do you know what fat watch let's do it a day in fat news I don't know what will happen

he can't leave these guys can't leave it alone none of them can leave it alone because it happened he's got to keep spinning I got to tell them how right I am. I got to talk to my people. They just can't break that

to op-a-mead cycle. I guess, I don't know. Like, stop fucking talking about it. Yeah, but they asked. Okay. Power and control reflects fear among men. Oh.

That's a little ugly main quote. It does. All right. Where am I at with Fat Watch? Here we go. Fuck, I got a lot of one. Little Brad says, Infinifat, pedophile teacher alert.

Okay, let's start with something fucking real heartwarming then. So she's apparently sexually harassing boys in Chelsea High School, Massachusetts. She's 400 pounds and described her underwear to the guys. Oh, what? Death penalty. Oh, death penalty. Man. Barf City

Get out of here Really? It looks like someone Fucking plastic dipped Homer Simpson's face Yeah there it is right there There's his mouth Fucking

And his eyeballs God damn Dude why are they making Tube tops in this size That's because they make tube stakes In that size too This is like a van wrap somebody made a sweater

a van a van Alice wrapped that bitch Yeah She gets dressed with a U-line machine Every day Like the rapping things The hay baler that they got What is this?

Is this real fire miss Valentin 700s on that Well this doesn't really give me any information Dude God damn Facebook Facebook is trash Can I get any more information than this? Fucking jackass?

400 pounds. Chelsea High School Oh, okay. Here we go. Here we go. Breaking News report from Chelsea High School. A Chelsea High School staff member, Ms. Valentin, is the center of a growing controversy after multiple students raised serious concerns regarding her conduct.

The conduct that made students feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Yeah, I would feel pretty uncomfortable around that. Oh, and unsafe. If you get sat on by that, you're done. One loose floorboard? You're fucking done. You're done. She could fall.

And you'd be catapulted. I was going to say exactly that. You hit the two by four and then you'll go flying up through the roof. You'll be the third ship in the fucking space. God damn. The district emphasizes that student safety remains its highest priority Why can't they talk normally? Like we're gonna fucking, we're gonna fire this fat bitch

If this fat bitch is messing with kids, she's done, she's dead That's what they should say At this time a petition has been created to gather the voices of students Who have experienced her witness concerning behavior Oh, okay So this is just retarded shit that you sent me? All right, thank you. The white,

Blade says what kind of retarded fat test is this. Okay. Let's see what kind of test it is. Oh, damn. Testing weight limits. Yeah, this is one of the ones I brought in. I called it a new hydraulic press video, just dropped. Testing weight limits.

Thank you. As a 425. She's 425. She's testing the weight limits of a pink beach wagon. Yeah, watch this shit, though. This is like. Wait limit, all right, they should bet me then. Oh, God, her guns is fucking spilling over.

Wait, hold on, I need to show you what it's like with real stuff in it first. Like, look at that thing, bro. And then this is all that it was carrying. Pretty, pretty nifty. Okay, no, back at it. Oh. Well, I guess not. Or at least not all of my weight at once.

Unrecoverable, too. Damn. Man, I really like it when I got it, too, because, like, for, what it is, it's a huge freaking car from the price point. Yeah, it looked like a cheap piece of shit. What did she think? Fucking 500 pounds in there. Or, like, holding rods and long

things as well. And, like, look at these freaking wheels, bro. These things are huge. They look cheap. I'm like, look how the fucking tonka wheels. It looks like it's a cheap version of something that looks exactly like that. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. It's definitely not great for huge amounts of booty.

To booty. Yeah. Lard. you mean. Huge amounts of bitch. Lardy. Huge amounts of fat bitch. Why do they got to call it?

Why do they got to ruin everything good? Well, the thing that sucks too is like see this like overly pink thing like ha ha see I'm so cute and it's like no you're like I'm so kawai. Yeah, it's like you're a fucking monster. Yeah.

Big fat bites. Oh my God. This looks like a little sprite can but it's a normal sized sprite can in her hand. It's actually one of those comical ones It's the size of like a fosters? Wow.

Episode one, a big fat bites. Oh my gosh, she's going to eat the whole pizza. Oh my God. Yes, girl. She calls him Italian egg rolls. She rolls them up. Dude, her cookie monster voice came out. Yeah, dude.

Oh, pizza. Yeah, dude. You know fat people are excited when their cookie monster voice comes out. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, dude. They have to express their joy. They started singing this. I was in a Buffalo Wild Wings, and I heard this bitch start singing a song.

It's like she just pulled a one-of-one, a card. Sea is for pizza. That's good enough for me. See is for pizza. And that's good enough for me. C is just for whatever food's in front of her at the moment. C is for noodles. Because she thinks it's I see a pizza.

Right. I see a pizza. And it's good enough for me. Oh, she's got some serum. Oh, wow. She's stress testing this. Oh, it's back in stock. My favorite 500-pound weight limit office chair is back in stock.

Why do you have to dance on it? Why is she man spreading? I don't need to. It's probably because her legs don't close. But anytime these fat women's, like something rated for their size they start dancing on it as if to taunt it to break

yeah they do it's like scarlet takes a tumble man yep fucking dancing on that fucking coffee table can't be uh okay what else do we have another bangor for the boys

awesome okay uh it's another fat woman doing pole dancing Oh Jesus The cheese of her thighs Wow Oh god get out of here

It's like we're at a fucking traditional old world deli over here God damn it POV you enter every room belly first This one says it's a fat woman She's walking into a room and her stomach comes first And it's not the correct POS Yeah I was just about to say yeah The robot engineer says I feel sorry for the who's recording

This whale's content I don't understand her hands handle. It can't mean fit in the sense of fitness, perhaps fitness. Yeah. Wow. I need help, she says. The fat woman wearing a one of unitarred bathing suit. It looks like one of those bowling ball holders. It looks like a bowling ball holder. Yeah, like a bag. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Because her gut is perfectly bowling ball. Like the thing that Jesus was using to clean his type shit. That's fucking doing the, yeah, like that kind of shit.

Oh, God. And she's got her tits zip down. So if you block out all of the rest of her, it looks like, you know, something normal-ish, only the tit area. Right, not the giant arms, too. Her arms are big.

uh thank you so much do you think you can finish up the other spot that I tried oh this is like caught in a it's supposed to be erotic like a fantasy

that she would ask you to spread this suntan lotion but he actually he wore his arm out yeah doing her arm lady a got all day it's like

thank you so much Tom Sawyer I can finish up the other spot that I tried. Yeah. Oh, God. Jesus. Disgusting. Nick sends this.

Oh, okay. Looks like some sort of a fat bitch convention. This was at the San Diego bash. S-S-B-B-W. Something S-S-B-B-B-W. Super-San. Fat-Sow,

dressed like a Dallas. Cowboys cheerleader, fat selling She's dressed like all of the Dallas Cowboys. They're drag racing, their mobility scooters. Fuck. This is at the San Diego Bash. Unfortunately, I do not have a lot of pictures, videos, because I spent most of the time in bed.

This was a rare time where I was feeling okay. That sciatic pain again, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It was miserable. My uncle told me the amount of pain medicine I was on Was the same amount that he would give his soldiers on the battlefield What? What battlefield?

Whale War III? Battlefield Earth Was he making a joke? The uncle? Yeah You have you on a lot of painkillers, bitch? Yeah That's why I give a whole battalion

But you are a whole battalion Yeah, that's what he said probably Accessibility is important and having a mobility scooter really helped things. This was the only time I went out this fall. The most important thing was my scooter allowed me to still be active. Bitch, you're not fucking active?

Yeah. Scooting around a hotel of fat women. The scooter battery is active, not you. The whole society is active. Making power to build your little scooter, ship it over here. So your fat ass can go to a fat ass convention. Fuck. Why is there a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader in this size?

Outfit in this size. Well, she's the smallest one. She's the smallest one at the convention. Well, I am the smallest Dallas Cowboys fan. This was a small on the website. They're all small. To still be active. Mother and do things with my child.

Oh, Jesus. We went on nightly walks as a family. I don't know if we went on a walk. He likes to sit on my lap. and calls it a mommy car. That's what he's calling you. Yeah. Fucking.

My friend has a mobility scooter and I joked that he's going to grow up thinking all fat women come with cars. They do. Yeah. Man, I can't ever think about the Dallas Cowboys without thinking about my friend's dad who fucking growing up his kids.

He'd always be watching the Dallas Cowboys. I never got it. I never got it at this. but I was asking him recently. I'm like, dude, your dad's still watching, you know, football shit? And he's like, no. He's like, my dad had to stop watching the Cowboys like five years ago because it was giving him heart problems.

I was like, why did you just pick a better team to like? Like, what the fuck, man? If they suck so bad, why do you keep fucking... Jesus Christ. Dude, heart problems over the fucking Dallas guy. And she also did too, apparently. But goddamn. No, he had to give up the cowboys

His doctor told him he had to give up the cowboys That's gotta be one of the funniest fucking things I've ever heard I was like you're shitting like you're lying to me Just for No way, it was something else right And that's the family joke No, nope, that's it

I was like you gotta be fucking kidding me Okay, that's the show everybody Let's do some Voicemails and then we got Obviously we have Johnny's brain rot right on the corner Patreon.com slash the dick show Dick. That show. You see you next Tuesday.

See ya. There were some bad bitches on scooters. Oh, bad. They go around and packs. Yeah. That's what that old song, The Leader of the Pack was written about. Yeah.

Bebe. Presenting a decade. Always. Bapha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Okay, cool Dick, hey Johnny, how you doing? I got something that pisses me off. For every one chick you see in tight pants, like yoga pants,

or whatever the fuck they are these days, there's like at least 10 bigans who are just blowing those fuckers out, It's cellulite fucking. It's fucking disgusting. Yeah. Like, just wear baggy pants. Like, I'm not a small guy myself, but, like, have a little fucking shame. Fucking body positivity bullshit. It's fucking disgusting.

Any huddle. Thank you. Fuck you, bye. The leggings are, uh, they got like industrial size leggings that you put on with a shoehorn. Well, it's like Belzona of chemical sealant. Yeah. You got a coat of fat bitch In like a two-step process

You gotta stand her down Once she's dry You can apply the Belzona primer And then you put the net The mesh And then you apply the other shit Yeah People talking about

Doing mushrooms is pretty annoying But more annoying Is this girl that I know Who She quit doing weed And she likes to announce Her every 10 days I'm 90 days sober from weed

A hundred days sober from weed I'm 100. Oh my God, shut the fuck up. Nobody, and then in the picture, she's always holding like a full fucking fit.

You know, she's retarded, as they all are. Yeah, don't ever quit heroin because then that's the greatest thing you'll have ever done.

Yeah. You know, for the rest of your life. And then you have to wake up every day, sober. I quit heroin. Is someone talking about climbing Everest?

Well, I quit heroin. Yeah. So if only you knew If only you knew the struggles It's like an Everest for me every day I had to find new friends at 30 Do you know how hard that is?

You know an Al Schmidt Tricot one time? What? Legendary engineer Al Schmidt One time he goes Hey John you know what the worst part about being sober is? I was like, what's that Alan?

He goes You wake up And that's the best you're going to feel all day Yeah And he's like, and you know that And he goes And it's just never gets anybody better. Like, wow. How long you've been sober out? He's like 20 years. I'm like, Jesus Christ.

How long have you been telling that joke? 20 years. Same 20 years. Exactly. Hey, so I'm listening to The Frog Tony, Colin from Biggest Problem. And I don't know, maybe this could be a lesson for everybody that if you're having an argument with somebody or some sort of, let's say, verbal power struggle, if you are calling out, the fact that, oh, you are reframing this, or I don't like the way you're framing this. As soon as you start, like, reaching for the meta conversation of what's happening, you're fucking losing.

Yeah. Do not do this. If you want to look good in an argument, win an argument, change people's minds. Horrible idea. It just means you're losing and you're making it worse. You are drowning. Call me back. Yeah, that was weird.

you're putting out this narrative like what it's called just like talking about something that happened when you hear those certain buzzwords it's like man yeah it's like oh bro it's like now you're trying to resort to fucking words like man

word sell bullshit bro yeah that's what you're doing word sell bullshit we don't do word sell bullshit around these parts uh yo dick and Johnny my girlfriend

cannot find things. Do you guys have this problem? Your own girlfriend misplaces her own item and goes, babe, where is it? Babe, where is it? Babe, where is it? Babe, where... Yeah, a freaking cat litter box in the box, like, you know, unopened.

She moved her shit around to put this big, um, workout machine down. I don't forget what it's called, but literally, she moved it, and I come home. Can you find it? I found it within 30 seconds. I checked one spot, and I went, it's not here, it must be over there. And guess what?

It was over there. I was in the other spot. She called me during my shift at work to ask where this box was and said, I've checked everywhere. And I just knew, no, you didn't. No, you fucking didn't. What did you? You walked into the living room and did a 360 and when I don't see it? Like, holy shit, dude, I'm constantly finding all of her, all of her shit for her.

And I'm not even the one who put it there. Sorry. I'm a little loud there. have a good day guys yeah that's a great call that's a great call calling me at work really yeah well yeah sure let me use my remote viewing abilities to fucking imagine my whole

fucking house right now because she's right yeah she's right oh yeah I know where that I know where that is if you go downstairs we do have masking tape uh it's downstairs it's uh under a sweater in the studio Costs a lot of mana points to do that. I can't be doing that all the time. Yeah.

I get it, but you could wait. Yeah. You could wait until I get home. You know, the best part about that catchy mentor is, is he lists my name on the website. My Facebook name is screenshoted and one of the N-word chains. And he still engages with me on Twitter. I don't know why the name I use is very fake.

It's Johnny Rico. but he keeps engaging with me and it's like he doesn't take his own shit seriously it's just so fucking funny he takes it so seriously dude I see he's a serious man dude yeah he's real serious Cy Abelman

what's Maddox up to should we watch should we watch another episode of Hole ringers oh yeah what was the fucking other thing fucking sucking and fucking on hole ringers or like what was it called it was called the ultimate suck or something like that. Because they called it

like sucker or something. Oh, that's right. It's calling in. It's been a couple months now, but you all did a fat wash of, um, like that, it was like a fat choir or something. I remember that. I remember that.

Yeah. Fucking like chocolate, cookie, chocolate cookie. Yum. Yum. Or what is it's stuck in my fucking head forever, man. So. I guess thanks for that.

I don't know. It's, it's, I can't get it out. And secondly, um, Johnny constantly bringing up limp-biscuit is like the most quirk-tungest shit of all time. Did you fucking cut it out? We get it. We get it.

You're on Instagram Reels and you see people talking about like fucking new metal and your third or whatever you're, the gen, the millennial shit, we got to cut it out, all right? He fumbled it. He fumbled it. He blew it.

You don't know me. dog all throughout fifth grade and fucking sixth, seventh and eighth grade. It was cargo shorts, backwards hat, and fucking sunglasses. You don't know a goddamn day in my life. Well, yeah. Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yeah, why don't you go back to listening to Chocolate Cookie, you bitch? Hey, Dick, hey Johnny. Hey, autistic caller that called in last week because someone said something about it. Hey, I'm not autistic and I watch the show. And I have a big dick, and I'm rich. And I

have a hot wife. Fuck you. We're not all autistic, bitch. Yeah. Fuck you. See, that guy has been listening to Linviskid for sure. Dick, what's really making me a rage right now is people who can't seem to fucking stop at a stoplight. They see that it's turned yellow and they're two miles away and they slow all the way down to fucking one mile an hour. Oh, I do that.

I do that. I do that. And creep. and they never fucking stop. Just pull up to the goddamn light and hit your break and fucking stop. I drive a goddamn stick shift. I don't want to be creeping along

for half a goddamn mile. Go fuck yourself. I didn't know that was a... What are you driving a stick shift? What are you like, cosplaying as Bronson? What are you fucking driving a stick shift today for? Do they even have those anymore?

That's what I'm rocking. With the problem, it is you get these people who think they're gonna like ooh I can just coast through that's what I do but it's like I get what he's talking about where people it's like dude you're gonna be here at least another 90 seconds I know but maybe maybe it will mess maybe it will trip or something and I'll scoot right through if it's close enough totally totally fine yeah too far back like man all the whole cycle full thinking it's just like all right I like to do on the freeway where I on gridlock I try to just go like slow it

down so I don't have to change. And then all the people behind me start doing it too. I'll get like a whole mile of people that are just cruising. Yeah. You know? That's, that's good. Okay, let's do, let's do, you know what. Johnny's brain roll.

Yes, yes. Okay, here we go. All right, so skip the first one because that's a bitching wagon. White guy I got you. White snake, whatever his name is. White blade? White blade, yeah. Yeah, good.

Good email. So this is a 911 on the third day of work. I'm surprised no one sent this one in. Okay. I had to call 911 and it was my third day, she says. Oh, wow. I work on the third floor. Okay.

This is a big girl. I couldn't get downstairs. So I called 911 for the first time in my life. Dude, she is fat. she looks like the first boss and smash TV video game you know that guy

the mutant man well dude it really puts new meaning to the term stuck at work wow they put her on the third floor is that OSHA compliant

I'm like man I thought it was a joke at first because I'm like there's no fucking way how the fuck is she gonna go down the stairs if the building's on fire is just gonna roll her like Indian and Jones already be there so fucking

Do for one call. They sent EMS, but they didn't have the equipment to help me. Not even God has the equipment to help you. They called multiple departments. I just kept saying, I just want to go home. I don't need the hospital. There's a screenshot of her calling 911 and accessoride. Oh, my God.

Access a ride. Hours later, I finally got downstairs. And every one of these is like a slideshow of sadness. that she's posting with these clips. She took all these pictures herself. I missed my ride home. Did she explain why she couldn't go downstairs? Well, I think given the context clues,

the stairs were out of order. She missed her ride. My first Uber saw me and drove away. I had to wheel myself home. I had to wheel myself home. I got home at 7 p.m. I finished work at 4.30 p.m. Yeah, she had to take a bunch of breaks the whole time.

This is what going back to work looks like for me. What? You look fat. What do you mean? Well, you got this buckle here. I didn't realize going back to work with her big fat. It was my third day. You had to call the hospital?

Who hired her? Even fatter woman. No, actually it was the fattest woman in the office hired her So that she was no longer the fattest woman in the office That's right, yeah This bitch is so fat she had to get 9-1-1 out of here Send my next interview in Oh goodness, when can you start? You're perfect

Thank you Being recruited by the must king That shit is crazy This is a big gut man This is big That's like the grimmest build like the just generic outline of a Christmas tree? Man, this is even bigger than grimace.

This is like a whole earth. She's gloomaxing it. Looks like you could slap her and spin her around. Like one of those giant marbles out front of like a museum. Yeah, we put some water under her. Let's keep it going. God damn. She's all polished afterward.

And her head goes under. They're getting clop. You can paint the earth on her, but you run out of continents, I think. Well, you run out of paint. Okay. Okay, so I call this one, but words will never hurt me. Okay. This is...

I think it's an India. Bro, there are sticks and fucking stones going on, man. They're having a... Oh, my God, they really are having a fight with sticks and spears and stones. And they have little shields. Dude, they're throwing rocks. Full on rocks. And these guys are riding windows?

Yeah. They're throwing pieces of bricks at each other. This is another day, man. Is this like the World Series of whatever this is? A lot of people cheering. There's like a poo throwing festival and there's like a brick throwing festival. Look, they got it all, like they got porta potty's. They had the fucking Roman phalanx over there.

Did I already watch this? Did it go around? It might have, yeah. Oh, no, I think they'd try and walk away at one point, but it's more of the same shit. Oh, that guy threw a spear. I mean, the spears are supposed to kill you. Yeah. So. I'm just throwing them to say that they threw them.

They have numbers, like a marathon. Oh, no, that's what he's, he's just wearing a number on his shirt. Okay. Not a mistake. Came over in a humanitarian. Yeah, he's fucked up, guys. That guy's fucked up. He was in a rock throwing contest. Okay, so this last one. This is in case anyone needed an animator. Now, Dick, I know we've seen some pretty standard or some pretty haggard black AI. What about some black hand-drawn animation?

Wait, where's the cardboard men that you found? Are you saving those? I'll say that for next one, yeah. The cardboard man is good. A lot of people sent me that one, too. Oh, my God. I'm proud of every single one of you fuckheads who sent me that. that because I'm like, sorry that you've had to see all this shit. That was fucked. What the hell is this? So this is this lady in Atlanta who makes, who's an animator. You know, famously where like Cartoon Network is from or like, you know, Dull Swim and all that shit.

William Street. Yeah. Okay. The Happy Baby Mama, it's called. Sansa Productions. All right. We've got some characters that look like aliens. Let's see

All that crying and all that sniffling But I know when I'm done with this brave Somebody better tell me Who opened up my grape soda Or all of y'all getting a whooping I do not care Yes, Cici, even you I know you just got home

But all y'all Cause somebody know something Okay I'm whooping ass And five Four Three Hold on girl

What you going off about No these kids Don't drop my grape soda again And they know how I feel about my soda I always drink that when I come home. I'll buy you another soda. Let them kids go back to their room. You're about to put these kids over a little family drink.

That ain't the point. God, no. God, let them kids go. I'm trying to get my hell done. I don't want to hear all that crying. You're about to whip the baby. What sense is that made, girl? Okay, what y'all supposed to say?

Thank you. Thank you, Ms. Reno. It's okay, little man. I don't have been there before. Okay, go to your room, little man. Girl, my son, my favorite. I hear all that crying. on it?

Dude, I saw this shit and was like... Did a racist make this? Like a white supremacist? That's exactly what I thought, but she's got more videos, dude, dude. Why does it jerk around the whole time? Like, it's like a camera looking,

but it's like a fucking Michael J. Fox trying to film it or some shit. Were those real kids doing the voices? I don't, dude. I love me with so many questions. But yeah, the first one being this is like the most racist person ever made this. this because it's fucking crazy.

It's got a similar connotation to Ernest and a club Mickey Mouse. Like that's it. Now we're getting in a fight. Appreciate you. Hey, good. My bad, Erica. Dude, what is it being animated on?

I don't. I don't know. I truly like, did someone get a copy? The perspective is all fucked. Johnny, you've done it again. This is This is unbelievable

This one man, I'm telling you It's like a copy of Flash 2 or something The perspective is just totally fucked On everything None of the characters match The kids The kids look like Peanuts characters With giant precious moments

Eyes Except that they're black And all of their hairstyles are just a mess Uh huh Uh, okay, let's see you another one. I'll go wait outside. I'm gonna be early. Girl, you good?

Her mama coming to get her any second. Now, what you gonna do to keep your hair done? Probably wear my bonnie. All right, that's right. Erica. Um, Chelsea? The fuck. Maya, come on.

Tell Ms. Erica, thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Erica. More hair. All right, sweetie. Mm-hmm. How much I owe you? you. Kids here is free on Sunday.

You already knew that. That's why you brought her. You good, girl. You sure? Last time you said I could have it. You came back and took that. Well, how about you leave before I changed my mind? How about that?

Yeah, whatever. One of us got to stay classy and a damn show ain't shooting. Damn, so, what's tea? What you mean? Chelsea? Yeah, I could tell you. I got a little static. The shit of just one.

My pistol. What is you looking at you? Girl, please. Chelsea's been mad for six years. Chelsea ain't going to bust a grape. Won't even bus a bus down. She called herself holding a grudge against me because she think I took her man.

But that ain't even what happened. Uh-uh, girl, you're going to have to tell me that story. I need some back, girl. What I do walk into? So we went to this bike and hangout a few years ago. Oh, my God, it's a whole episode? What the fuck is that car? My bad, Erica.

I go ahead. Yeah, she's got one about Oh, this is her? I think that's her, yeah. Has she liked a black Sam Hyde? A woman? She did one about like all her, like, oh, no, not that one. She did one about like, if you bring something for one of my kids,

you got to bring something for all my kids to. And like, it was a whole series. I might be tapped out on black women comedy right now. Yeah. Well, no, that's something. Dude, she's got a whole. fucking IP of this. After a few months of watching my belly grow,

I knew it was a matter of time before I had to tell my new man that I'm pregnant with my ex-baby. This has got to be racist. This has got to be done no way this is being done on accident. I'm telling you, man.

Smiling friends didn't got shit on this average. Oh yeah, they should have quit. Good. And I got a baby with their men. I don't know nothing about that because. You know I ain't lying And your man, fine, too Why is the frame shifting around?

Who's standing behind them tall Like the first lady and shit That was cute But I got The sirens in the show That I'm hearing Okay That's it

Santa A-S-A-N-A dot productions Get it a call in Call into the show The ATL Animator Amazing Goodbye