The Dick Show - Episode 511 - Dick on Imaginary Corporal Punishment

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

Hasan is going to prison, America's crappy 250th birthday, two moving trucks crash in the same spot, clocks, I can't remember the rest right now.

I'm done with having a baby. I want a toddler already. The baby stuff. This baby stuff is for the birds. I need my ass. My eyes needs a toddler. No more this infant shit. Literally and figuratively.

My wife texts me. Donnie shit all over the car. And my thought is awesome. Awesome. Because that means he pooped finally. every day I just wake up praying to God that he shits that it's a big there's a big shit

waiting for me at some point in the day I'm fucking checking the diaper like it's a lottery ticket oh another skid mark you piece of shit why can't you shit like your old man huh why can't you shit like your old man I want to see a big dump in there big old beer shit

I want to see a big old beer shit my idiot wife when he shits a dinosaur egg I'm like, that's not how shit's supposed to look. Something's wrong. She goes, that's how poop's supposed to look. It doesn't supposed to look like yours. What the fuck does that supposed to mean?

It's not supposed to look like, it's not supposed to smell like IPA. Is your shit not supposed to smell like IPA? I bet I could walk into an outhouse. Tell you exactly how. Oh, yeah, Golden. Point the way. IPA, yep. I'm detecting a stone brewery, arrogant bastard.

the ale in there? Yeah, uh-huh. A couple modellos. It's disgusting. You're like, that couldn't possibly be poop. It's not red enough. My whole fucking life revolves around shit.

My whole fucking life. Yeah. Did he shit? Did he shit? Did he shit? Is there a shit in there? Is there a shit from Papa? Come on, buddy. Bring that shit right home. Bring that fucking shit home. Boopy.

Baba? Bring that shit home. I don't even care about the walking anymore. The talking, the babbling, the fucking boon. Phenoms or whatever the fuck he's doing. Hey, yeah! Welcome to Niki, one, dig, and I love dick. You got it.

It's a show, if it's a contest, came to live from Mountain Bunker Deep. I'm the artist of failure. You know, Stick Masters and A.K. The $20 million man. Joining me is Johnny the audio, and you're giggling already. Fucking shit. What a fucking ride, man. You know, it used to be, like, I used to spend most of the day thinking about shit in a funny way.

Like, I controlled it. but now it's just like I'm a slave to it. When it controls you, it's not so funny. Shit's on the other asshole now. Oh, God. I can't I just give this? I know it will fix this guy right up. He's not pooping.

I'm going to slip him half an IPA. That'll straighten his little motherfucker right up. I'll straighten him right up. Dude, give him one of those Trader Joe's gummies, man. Maybe I'll straighten out his walking, too. He's all wobbly. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Boop, boo do-bo-bo-do do. Teach him how to run to the bathroom. He's shit all over the car. I don't even want to know if that's literal. I don't even want to know if you're making a literal comment or if you're making a figurative comment. Because there's poop all over the place. I'm just happy. I'm fucking thrilled.

He's sleeping through the night. He slept through the night twice in a row. Which is life-changing. You know who didn't sleep through the night? Fucking. Who's got two thumbs and one mistake? Just kidding. about the mistake

fuck man I have the bright idea to take my son up to my up to Nana and Papa's house to get some free babysitting classic move and I always wonder when I make the decision I'm like why don't I do this more often

it never occurs to me like there's a reason I always doubt myself I doubt myself in the present why didn't you learn oh you did My dad makes the most beautiful. He slaps this steak for lunch. Because I guess they're on like,

they're on a whole different meal schedule now. The metamorphosis finally happened where they no longer have normal meal schedules where now they're like old people meals. Like they're calling their meals different names. They're at random times. 1037 Dude, Coco's

and Marie Calendar is starting to look pretty good It's something's going on Where they're no longer Eating dinner anymore Dinner's banished Dinner's MIA

I'm like What's this for lunch Yeah steak Steak for lunch Steak and potato Is a big lunch And surf and turf lunch All right I'm in

I mean I'm in obviously I took a bite I'm like what is this steak And he goes his waggy you Like how did the fuck Did you get wagg you? How the fuck did you get a hold of this?

What do you got some black market meat, man? Where did you... Where do you just pulling wagg you out, motherfucker? This is the most delicious steak out of my fucking life and you're eating this for lunch? What's the matter with you? A throwaway meal, dude? This is a throwaway...

I saw your leftovers. You got about $1,500 of leftovers over there. Not even covered up. I'm eating that. I hope you know I'm eating it all. I'm packing the ke. I'm John waning this thing me and my son are gonna have a shit pack off who's got more gut shit Who's got more a poundage of impacted fecal matter got the most impacted fecus in them Elvis versus John Wayne versus you two

I'm gonna block up like the bushwhackers boom boom boom boom But then I wake up at two in the morning Because for some reason their house is like some of the rooms are they get a new air conditioning system every couple of years and some of the rooms are like normal but then there's always one or two that's like 900 degrees that's always the one i'm sleeping in yeah what's the deal with that what's the room wasn't like this when i grew up here i don't think unless it was uh i keep up at two in the morning fucking sweating waiting for Son to wake up and he just never does and

Try to go back to sleep and my mom is like Booby Trap the whole house with clocks. I don't know why I don't know if it's like I don't know if she's like a Batman villain in her spare time like the fucking miss clock or something Fucking clocktrous She's the fucking real count That's this is explaining a lot So you're laying and I don't notice it when I go to sleep because I don't know Probably drinking probably too much

sobering up and I wake up and I just hear like fuck and her house is like their house is like purgatory because I swear to God I do this every every time and I try to find where the clocks are coming from

and every time it's behind some like 2001 Space Odyssey sized like they've got they've got furniture like that you could sleep inside of like Kramer when the Japanese men are sleeping inside the cabinet that's like the furniture in the room I'm in like how the fuck did she get

it's this little probably it's a clock from like 1963 from the Sears and Robux catalog you know I don't even know I should probably her mom had or something family air loom of annoying clock it just never stopped working it only works at night I think that's I think that's why I don't know why I don't know who in their I don't know who in their right mind wants a ticking clock ever Why? They didn't make them like that on purpose.

I have clocks in my house. They don't all go like a rainbird sprinkler, so I'm like, all right, I got to cross the Rubicon here and move some furniture around and find where this fucking plug is. Pop it out, go back to bed,

lay down in bed, and you know and blood starts, settles in your head and you can hear again, I hear a little tinier. Like you got fucking two clocks in here. mom. We have two clocks. Fucking Flav of

Flav over here. I open the closet. Full of clocks. Is it hardwood or carpet over there? It's carpet.

That at least helps a little bit. You ever try and It disguises it? It disguises it. So you don't hear it until it's two or three in the morning. Dude,

there's nothing worse when you're trying to fall asleep and you can hear someone go like this from like a catty corner across the house downstairs and it's like, you gotta be fucking kidding me.

I'm never going to bed ever again. And I got hearing problems anyway, so it's probably unique to me because nobody else seems to be going insane when they sleep. Nobody notices, dude. I don't know what the fuck that is. I don't know.

My wife was all excited. She goes, hey, they made a movie about what you have. They made a movie about a guy that hears like you. And I'm like, how do you think I'm, how do you want me to react to that? Like, hooray?

You think I'm like one of these fucking freaks on, line. I'm like, oh, wow. I'm black. There's a black woman on TV. I'm a black woman. I'm fucking real thrilled about that. No, I don't give a fuck. They made a fucking movie about a guy that hears constant pain. It's like, I thought that would be interesting to you. It's not interesting to me. I don't want to see a movie about this. What if it was Ernest has tinnitus, though? If Ernest has hypercuses and goes fucking nuts and shoots up a

He shoots Vern. He shoots Vern right in the fucking head. How's this for your movie, Vern? Bop! Then he kills himself. I don't want to hear about a movie that as a guy of what I have.

Why the fuck would I want to see that? She's all excited for me to go to the dentist this week too. That's the evil. I know, because she's got perfect fucking teeth. Well, even if you have, even if you're going for gistic cleaning, it's like, still time out of

your day. That's still just like... It's just a mess. And they just go... You got a... 50-50. They're gonna just mess you around. They got some kind of cavity fighting machine that's like, you got 70 cavities. I don't think so. I think I'm all right. Always offering you a night guard.

Oh, this one goes on your balls. This one's way different. Like, I'm not... They don't work. I don't know who you guys are selling these fucking night guards to, but they fuck your teeth all up. They move them around. I know I'm not using it wrong. Like, I know this of fucking, you guys have fucking stole me multiples of these

and every single one fucked me up. Dude, do people still grind their teeth, man? I grind. I grind me. I killed another fucking tooth. That's what was my point. Oh shit. She goes, where you got a big problem with your tooth that's cracked? I said, not again. I got a whole, I got my whole jaw re-aligned

so I wouldn't have to do that. She goes, well, you bought 10 years or 15 years. Like, all right, which one? She goes, this one. She pulls out one of those dentist things and sticks it in the gum. And she goes, look, it's supposed to do that and she stuck the thing in my in my gums and the side of my tooth and then just let it stick there like what i don't need a demon i don't need you to demonstrate it like a fucking blue man what like carrot top just point to the one and say it's bad i understand when

the tooth is bad what is this shark tank why are you sticking this piton in my tooth like you're climbing half dome get it out get it out of my fucking mouth put your hand back on the thing Don't just stick it in there, like a doorstop. Doi-o-y-o-ion-ion-ion-ion. It's like an LA County Fair demo. Yeah. This fat woman, which was a mistake. Here, she's like, this one, check it out.

Thunk. Hands, hands free. It's like, boop. Capp. I'm like, get the fuck. This fucking thing is sticking out of my mouth. Get it the fuck out of my mouth. Of course, she has a job.

she's putting things into people's mouths all day, man. Okay, all right. Send me somewhere else then. Send me on another fucking side quest. Damn. Send me to go get the fucking crystal fucking toothing on. Whatever it is, I'll go waste a day doing that.

You just get tongues and teeth, dude. I want a gold tooth so bad, but I keep getting the back to you. Get a titanium one, dude. I don't think you can get tight. Can you get tight? titanium teeth? I think. Oh, I don't know, man.

Don't fuck up my other teeth. I know you can get gold. Gold for sure. But I need to get one up here for gold. I got to get one up here. Not in the back. Then it'll look like I ate some poop or something. You weren't eating fuck.

You weren't eating poop? No. Last time I was at the dentist, they had the braces colors. But they just showed like the rubber band colors, but they just showed like a little color swatch. I was like, can I get like a maroon tooth for the front? I was like, are these tooth colors? You want to color your teeth?

Does that exist? Can you, you know what? Probably before we're dead, these bitches are just going to be coloring their fucking teeth. They're fucking coloring pupils, dude. They are? Remember? The black part? Oh, yeah.

The black people getting their eyes bleached. The fuck was that. Dude, I still think about that. But no, I was like, shit, if you got a missing tooth and it's like, well, you can get like gold, like silver. Like, wait, can I get like a, a, turquoise or like a magenta tooth with like a lime green is just some fucking obnoxious color tooth

like a bright red tooth so people think I'm always in pain when they're talking to you. Laser Yeah Let me get a little middle finger style tooth I wish I could make my teeth say stuff Yeah like fuck you And then like blink it away like did I just see your teeth say

Fuck you? Like I don't know what you're talking about My teeth saying fuck you? You see teeth saying messages to people? That's crazy. I'll say that from my chest, bitch. Fuck. Oh, man, but I got to play my nephews of magic with my teenage Muti Ninja Turtle commander deck.

Oh, shit. I whipped the shit out of them. I didn't even go easy at all. There was a couple spots where I was like, I could let them build up their armies a little bit, but fuck it, I'm tired. I'm fucking wiping them out. Blammo, get the fuck out of here.

it's uh we had our first night out with no baby because he's sleeping now she's sleeping at nana papa's house and we went out big mistake big mistake it's up you know it's up in santa clarita right it's like a concert it's like one big concentration camp for white people you know i don't know how else to describe it like everything aspires to be an apple store restaurants dude even if you live in like a just like a housing like district or whatever like the community center

it looks like a fucking five star hotel like yeah check in here it's like are you fucking serious solar panels on everything even the homeless up there they got solar panels on their foreheads um so we go into this fucking Italian restaurant

and there's sit us down and there's it's like it's like a fucking boomers on the left of me boomers on the right of me two old fucks talking about their portfolio or something and then some fucking

an embroidered polo stealer's shirt like all right this is going to be tremendous ranking their dessert menu this one's the cowboys this one's the thing's like okay Jesus fucking

I gotta get the fuck out of this down sports is a curse man and then some And then a big white whale, big fat woman, came in with a black guy, skinny black guy, sat next to us. The black guy tips the mater D at, like, effectively a cheesecake factory. And the fat woman, and the fat woman orders a red wine at, like, she's very specific, like, 65 degrees or something like chilled to a precise measurement. This poor waiter, I'm like, Jesus Christ, man, you got to get out of here. This is not

This fat bitch This doesn't happen down Where I live It's all Mexicans He goes Oh you should have called ahead You know I can't really Of course there's an issue with this

And the guy like oh you know how she is I'm gonna fucking lose it I'm gonna go on a If I had a little bit more energy I would just go on a shooting rampage in here I can't take this We gotta go Liquor's not even working

That's how you know it's bad That's when the clock started Oh, here's something I bet you didn't know. You know how women like reading books? I did know that. They don't actually read them. I did know that too.

You knew that? They just skip to the dialogue. And they read the dialogue. It's the only part that matters to them. They don't like, they don't read the actual book. They just read the dialogue. Dude, you could just like

read movie scripts. Yeah. That's what they're doing. That's how they go through so many books. That's why they find them so enjoyable. They just read it like a text. Like if books were just like text messages, that's just like someone else's text message.

And they skip all the descriptions and just read, go ahead. If your wife's a reader, your girlfriend or whatever, why don't you drop that one on her? You're not reading any books here. Yeah, I'm like, you bitches are not reading that much.

You're not reading no 50, books this month. You were reading a text message conversation. Epismal. These moving guys crashed their moving truck down the street. They went the wrong way. They went down, you know, it used to be, in my generation, there used to be a moment of like, is the computer ever wrong

around here? Do you got any issues with the computers around here? And you'd say, yeah, actually, we do. If you want to go, you don't want to go down the mountain that way if you're driving a big moving truck because it's windy, right?

You want to go that way where it's basically straight. The computer is going to lead you down the curvy path to ruin. I don't know if you can make it. I'm looking at you. I don't think you can. You know, I'm sizing you up.

I think you're going to want to go the easy way. You go the way I tell my mom to go in and out of the neighborhood. Nice and straight, big guardrail. You can't fuck it up. You go the other way that you don't fuck it up.

But now, they don't even have that anymore. People, the kids, they don't even have it anymore. These guys filled up a moving truck right on the, like right across the street. And they went down the mountain the wrong way. They went down the windy way. And hear it from people, they, quote, lost control. but I don't or their brakes went out the cops told me their air brake went out and I said that

I don't believe you I think they're just retarded I don't know because it went this way instead of looking for an alternative way they just trust the computer that's it I trust the computer I get it I don't want to get a 20 minute spiel

from a boomer on everything that there is to do but every once in a while you know it fucks up every once in a while when you're doing something that's totally strange and like rare ass, go ahead and throw it out should I be doing this?

Somebody might hear you for the love of God there might be someone around and you say no actually you shouldn't do it that way you should go to the other this rare instance not everything needs advice

you don't need ass wiping advice but if you're piloting a moving truck into a mountain you would think dude would think, but they don't anymore. They don't. Two young guys, no insurance. In a just society, they would be executed or deported, you know, whatever. They'll be right back out on the street, I'm sure.

So we walked down there to see what the damage was, just to see somebody else's house get fucked up for a change. Nice change of pace. A little yard sale happening. Their garage is pretty fucked up. The garage is all bent up. I like seeing that. That's pretty good.

You did Ben. Garage is like when someone sits on their glasses and tries to put them back on. It's like, dude. Yeah, that garage is enough. I hope you didn't have anything you need in that garage because it's not opening up for a while. You're going to have to saw through that way. You have to break it more. Yeah. Yeah.

So we get down there. And the cops are like, oh, you guys want to get through? And I just said, no, you just want to look at it. And my wife's like, my wife's like trying to pretend like we're, you know, we just happened. I don't know why. She's trying to pretend like, oh, we were just walking and oh, what's over there? And I'm like, no, we're just like looking at it to, you know, enjoy the destruction. Yeah, we're shaming these people.

Yeah, we're like being voyeurs. Cops, like, okay, whatever. So my wife pulls out, oh, is everyone okay? I'm like, what the fuck are, who are you? What are you talking about? Is everyone okay? All right, whatever. So another moving

truck gets there Loads up, right? Loads all their shit because somebody's still got to move their house And I was being an idiot And I was like Let's see if this Wouldn't be funny if this truck wrecks Sure enough they go

They go back up the mountain instead of going Back the easy way They take a left and try another hard way And immediately turn And cut a turn And tear the back, tear the back of the moving truck through one of those guard, you know, those steel guard rails? Oh yeah. They're all, they tear, cut it too short, and tore the back of the truck or like, you know.

And those things are in the ground with like a, there's like a telephone pole. Yeah. So I'm dying. Yeah. Fuck you, right? Fuck you, idiots. Um, police arrest them.

They fucked it up over here too. Get your ass over here and arrest these two. So these guys, I don't know what this, I don't know what the, this is something I've, an instinct I've tried to stop and myself and it's taken a long time

for me to push it down and restrain it. A lot of instincts we have are considered bad, you know. like you want to murder somebody, you want to fuck everybody, you know. Like you want to be nice to everybody. That's bad too. You got to put a, you got to

do that in moderation as well. But also and I see these guys doing it. I'm like, oh, you guys, I know you're going to do it. I know you're going to try to fix that. I know you're going to get out and try to jiggle it. I know you're going to get out and say like, oh, this isn't. They get out. These dumb Russians,

they get out. Just a mangled, destroyed guard in a telephone pole, wonked out of the ground now, totally destroyed the asphalt, and I see them both over there, put their hands on, and go one, two, three,

and try to pull it up. You fucking morons. Look at my wife. I'm like, look at these guys. She's recording it. I'm like, oh, man, you guys are fucking stupid. Dude, there's that instinct of, like, wouldn't it be funny if,

and I've realized you can't be doing that shit dude because one of the first times I had shown up to class like absolutely out of my mind on edibles yeah

the fucking teacher had the overhead projector on a desk with the cable taut across and all the whole class I'm sitting there

I'm not even taking notes I'm sitting in the back corner I'm just like boop I gotta see it do it. And I feel my eyes drying out more and more and I'm like, come on man. Like Rand Stimby pushed the

space button, the delete everything button. And the whole time, I'm like looking at the people around me. I'm like, does no one else fucking see this? And I'm just like sitting there trying to like, and he's walking and he's writing on the board and he walks over and fucking does it. He backs into it and fucking

he trips over it. Like it's just enough there where he like kind of flips over it. And as he's flipping over it, the whole car crash is out. So now the overhead's on him. It's all bent. It's all fucked up. He's all fucked up. And he's just like,

oh my God, blah. And everyone's like, oh, my God, are you okay? And I am on my fucking all fours next to my chair. Yeah. Clenching my, dude, I'm laughing so fucking hard. I was like, I think I should probably see myself out. Like, everyone was pissed. But it's like,

you get that. And they're like, dude, I was trying to redo my bathroom one time at an old apartment. The last fucking set of shelves I'm hanging up wouldn't it be funny if and I fucking drill right into a fucking pipe and it's the hot water it's the hot water pipe

so now I'm getting covered in hot water I don't know where the shut off is so now I'm like now I'm fucked because I'm getting scalded I can't plug this back up and it's like you can't be I have stopped doing that I have stopped doing that move of

wouldn't be funny if it's the last one and then I just quit I'm like nope I'm not doing it I'm not like I can't I'm gonna grab these five bags, I have like a spider sense, like, if I grab that last one, it's gonna... The fucking prune juice bottle of the bag, number one, is gonna fall out, and I'm gonna look like such an idiot, and I'm not to clean glass and prune juice. Yeah, it's like, I'm not, I've always erred on the side of one less after being like,

you know what, it's my hubris and my, my big, dumb fucking mouth that won't stop going, you know, what if? But I will say, last night we were out hanging out in K-town. Yeah. And all of a sudden out of nowhere We hear this big like Saga potatoes fall And then a

And we turn and look And it's a guy There's a lime scooter on the ground And a guy probably like 30 feet away from it Oh man And I was like oh shit Like you got knocked the fuck out I regret those things weren't out

Earlier in my like going out life Because they just When I like stopped going out They just hit big time And I didn't live in Hollywood anymore, but man, they go so fast. Dude, he was away from it. And it was like, damn. And watching him get back up to try and go get it was the walk ashamed.

He stood up and he's like, he's limping over to go get it. And I'm like, oh, man. And he gets back on it. And I'm like, wouldn't it be, you know, and he goes so fucking slow down to the end of the block. And he's like, and he sits down and he's like, just like trying to catch his breath again. And it's like, dude, you can't go like 50 on. those fucking things, man. Like, what are you thinking?

You gotta slow down sometimes. They don't really have a middle though. They don't. It's like turbo and off. It's the only thing you have to like learn how it goes. Like, oh, whoa, that moves in a way that nothing else does. That time I went with you to opening day.

Oh, man. And you were like, you guys are all stupid for walking. I'm going to take the lime scooter. And you were in sandals. I was like, dude, like, I don't want to like, I hope today is not today. We have to take you to the fucking ER, man. I'm like, God damn it.

Like, not today. That's when that stupid cop didn't let me... Yeah. He's like, you can't park that here. And it's like, dude, those things are everywhere now. You clean it up. How'd you like to go downtown? Like, all right, fine.

You know what I hate more than those? Is those fucking cocoa delivery fucking... Those little... Those coolers on wheels? Yeah. They just die. They just die all the time wherever they're at. Did you?

Yeah. Died in the middle of the sidewalk. Two of them died on the street corner. We're like, what the fuck? And they're just parked there with some. Someone's fucking dinner and I'm... I saw... Spencer Pratt posted a clip of Karen Bass,

the mayor of L.A., like holding a press conference in MacArthur Park, and he said someone died on... During the stream. And sure enough, there's, like, medical workers covering someone with a white sheet. Holy shit. Oh, my God.

Is that real? I mean, statistically speaking, it's happening, even if it's off camera anyway. Yeah, it's... It's definitely happening. Right. Have an on camera?

You got to time your, don't time it during the Comedown. Time it like, you know. Wait till they're all booted up and trying to argue about what Splendipher is means. Yeah, wait till the fentanyl kicks in. That's when you do your live stream press conference.

Not when round two is coming. Like not in the morning when they're like, man. Late shift shows up. Yeah, I should take another hit. Which one's my fentanyl and which one's my crack? Whoops. Yeah, man I miss just like regular crack man

I miss I miss Yeah me too Like seeing crackheads like Watching a crackhead like lift a car bumper Up to try and like oh I think I see a rock under there It's like oh shit Wow that's crack for you Yeah

I fucking miss that shit PCP man I miss drugs that you could ruin your life on Not that's just like instant death Like how do you make a How do you make an Infomercial for instant death Right

You don't Careful this could happen to you dead Like uh You can't really smash up your kitchen and stuff And yeah crack can't really regret death So what's the message I mean hey if you want if you want to have no more regrets Just fucking die

Yeah it's everything is for it It advertises itself Well there's like I've talked about this before I think But there's like a fine line of like a certain amount of crack you can do Yeah Because, like, DMX did enough crack and was, like, selling out stadiums in Australia, right? Yeah.

But then, like, you do too much, and then he's, like, doing crazy shit in traffic and, like, pretending he's a cop trying to arrest people. And it's like, ah. I vaguely remember that happening. There's a lot of shit. But. Yeah, wait, I have a clip of it. You tell me this is a dead body. I hope so.

I hope so, too. I just don't want Spencer Pratt to look like he has egg on his face. you know right that crystal stuff keeps coming up yeah this look see here's the it's a fucking

is that a dead body I don't know I'll see I know there's one man we could call on to weigh in on that uh Hassan Piker is

will be raped do you know about that this summer like a summer blockbuster what did you do this time he's a he's uh working with

uh communist he's working with uh literally he's working with uh communist agents that are conspiring to uh cause discord and dysfunction in the US he's working for the communist Chinese government

he's working with agents of the communist Chinese government and Cuba through Cuba he set up that that little that gay little stunt that he did where he went to Cuba and, you know, pretend, I don't know what, I don't know what, and treated it like a zoo essentially. Like, look at all, look at how poor these freaks are, right?

Yeah. We're going to have a concert to benefit ourselves, Cuba. They're going to send them to jail for that, which is great. This is like the summer movie that I've been waiting for. They said, anyone who shows any interest in Cuba should be sent to jail, like. Yeah. rape. Yeah.

I'm gonna send him in with a bottle of liquid soap. Say, don't spend too long picking it up. He will be raped in prison, Hassan Piker.

As he should be. On the 250th anniversary of America, isn't that great? It is. That dog-abusing cross-eyed piece of shit, Hassan Piker.

It's raped. Man. I was joking about that. That would be one of the the wins when Trump won. And it turns out that's the only one that's going to be true is the one I was joking about. Son getting raped in prison.

I mean, don't be, look, you could be, you could be a certain level of Chinese. Yeah, you can't go all the way. You just can't be, you can't be doing some boot licking. That's crazy work.

I don't know exactly what he did, but I know it was bad. Raped. and I thought Oh man This will be great Like everyone We're not

We're not still doing this like Principal shit right We grew up out of that right That's been beaten out of us right It was dumb of us to do It was dumb of us to do in the 90s It was dumb of us to do in the 2000s And the tens

It was stupid to do In the tens and it's fucking retarded To do in the 20s That's it was dumb in the 90s it was fucking really dumb in 2000s

yeah you see what I'm saying dude that principal shit and I see that's how they've been shifting goalposts man let me see if I copied Myron Gaines's

comment on it seen a lot of this shit though no god damn it did you see Chris Gaines's comment on it it was some version of like, oh yeah, well, if they, if they rape Hassan in prison, imagine what they're going to do to you. They're going to rape me. That's what, whether Hassan is raped or not, you idiot. What do you mean?

Imagine if. Is this your first day? What are you, John Lennon, telling me to fucking imagine things? Get the fuck out of here. The fuck out of here, Myron Gale, you're even worse than Hassan. Unlike you, I can't imagine things and it sucks. Yeah, it sucks. Why don't you try imagining? try for a day fucking garbage try imagining two things John Piker is a and then he is a F-sler

but spells it differently because he's a child a huge insufferable pompous again misspelling of a slur however I don't want him thrown in jail for his political views or F-slur-a-tree

he's not smart enough to be a spy he's just a dumb, loud, woke, social Democrat yeah so throw him in throw them in prison. Unlike the left, we on the right believe in consistent principles. How do you type that with a straight face while you're clawing your way through Venezuelan criminal gangs and Indians, Mexicans? How do you, with a straight face, unlike the left, we and the right believe in consistent

principles. Why? Yeah. Where did you... Who... Why are you regurgitating that? Where has it gotten you? This means defending free speech, even for people we despise.

Why? Why would you... What, aliens, too? You want to go on... Planet Israel? See if they're getting bothered by anybody? The left... loves a punch of Nazi rhetoric and weaponizing the government against dissent, but we don't.

Yeah, you know what? We do, though. Let's try it. Let's just give it a shot, Myron. Let's stop holding a magic feather. Let's stop telling ourselves. Let's stop treating our political beliefs like they're a vision board. And if we take a bunch of pictures of ancient Rome and put them on our vision board and invite our bros over to jack off,

with our principal crystals and look at our vision boards together like a fucking secret like astrology for men that it's going to come true because it's not none of that's going to the society you want is only going to

come true with the exercise of power by exercising power over the people that would destroy it Myron you fucking child you pussy all of these people we stand for reality not 99 genders

equity or any other made up social cons it's like he sounds like a like a preacher all these guys do wait they dropped a new one because I've had 99 bananas they got 99 genders now oh yeah 99 centers yeah damn really made up social constructs that collapse under basic scrutiny I don't want political influence or targeted by the government for going to Cuba whether it's Hassan nix earlier anyone else yeah it wasn't going to Cuba though I was working with um working with uh Chinese millionaire to advertise

yeah that might that might have been where he fucked up yeah of all the things to spend your time on keeping Hassan from getting raped

not a not a smart one I feel like Dick's vision board has a picture of a Miller High Life directly in the center Miller High Life sure whatever

I'll take whatever you got Okay Oh shit An IDF blimp got hit by a drone Let's see Oh shit This is pretty crazy Let me pull this up

And get it on camera So everyone can see This IDF soldier Was hit by a drone IDF soldier Rodham and I reportedly killed in Hezbo F-PF drone strike along northern border.

I didn't know. I didn't know they had ones this big. IDF. I thought they just had those little Ukrainian whores. They parade around. I guess they got goalies, too. For an Israeli donut festival? Yes.

A bruiser at the Israeli donut festival struck by a candy graham from Hezbollah. I'm blown to bits. Oh, the humanity. This is her getting attacked by the drones right here, actually. This is real footage from the drones. They were actually trying to steer away from her. Their gravitational pull.

Yeah, they couldn't find a... They couldn't pull up. Big fat bitch. Man. I would have thought pictures like... They spent a lot of money hiring those escorts to do RDS. To do RDS. I would have thought they would put a lockdown on that, you know?

don't let this one out you know yeah talk about bad press man yeah wait a second you guys got fat ones over there like I thought the whole point was to not yeah how

that's where all the AIDS been going that's where all the food aid's been going that one bitch now they could eat now the Hamas can eat that one of my fucking shawarma and pickles price went up

fucking bullshit her yeah uh Dude, speaking of chihuahua, you know what closed? And I had no idea. What? Fucking Al-Wazir, dude.

What's Al-Azir? Remember in Hollywood by the 7-Eleven on Gower? Yeah. It was tucked away. It was a little Mediterranean joint. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Chicken.

And fucking closed, dude. It's shut down? Dude, it's been there forever since whatever war that Al-Wazir himself escaped from, dude. I was kind of disheartened. What's there now? I don't know, some like Hollywood kebob. And I'm like, fuck that. Another Danny Trejo, fucking chicken wings or whatever.

Man. George Clooney meat store. That's what, man, this old lady, she would smoke cigarettes while she was giving you fucking hummus and shit. She was awesome. I mean, it makes sense that they're clothes. It was good. That sucks.

And you could get fucking a swarma bowl for like five bucks, dude. Swarmo of rice, fucking hummus. And they'd give you a little bag of fucking fresh peat in there. I would love to pay for food. did not feel like I'm getting stabbed in the stomach. It was so cheap, dude. I would love that. And it was good.

You could work all day after that shit, man. And they're closed. I'm like, they took it all away from us, man. I would love to feel that, and I would love to not have to look for the sauce. Everybody's so stingy with their sauces now. Yeah. Since COVID. That shit drives me insane, man.

It's just useless without the sauce. What's the fucking? What's the fucking point? I know you got a big Vad of it back there. Yeah. Stop, you know. I'm not like, you're going to use it anyway.

Yeah. Give it to me. Give me the fucking, give me the thing I have paid for, asshole. Here's an anti-rape vest for goats. What do you think about that? Is it in Hindi by any chance?

Is this a real thing? An anti-rape vest for a goat? I don't know. It looks fake. This looks fake. It's definitely. I wouldn't want to rape his goat. I'll tell you that.

An East Essex farmer and his sheep suffered repeated rapes from New Pan... No, Pakistani neighbors. No, he didn't. Didn't complain about immigration. He innovated. Protective vest for the livestock. This has got to be for some other reasons. No way he's got these things in chain mail

because of Pakistani neighbors. I'm going to put this up as an unconfirmed myth. That's got to be... to be normal. It's like a mocap suit for a sheep. A shocking number of millennial and Gen Z parents spanked their kids, study says. Wow, necessary to raise a child properly. Uh, is that, is immigrants included in that survey? Yeah, I think that's like, is that like, uh, I need to know these things now.

Sam Hyde posted a shocking number of millennial and Gen Z parents spank their kids that he says Okay but just show the white Like show me the white ones Right I need to know

I need to know this by demographic Get out of here Sam Hyde posted this thing about Not spanking your kids You know Got everyone upset Because people that I don't know why, but some people are very

protective about their ability to to beat imaginary kids. They're like, it's one of these things where simply making the judgment really upsets people. Yeah. And I don't know, I, I, everyone says, or a lot of people say,

you know, if you don't have a kid, you don't get to have a say. But I kind of think the opposite. Like, if you have a kid, You're not really thinking about making plans. What you're going to do? You're kind of just doing it. Like, I'm not over here sitting, oh, gee, let me see.

I got some time to think about how I should do this. Raising imaginary kids, that's when you've got to figure out. If you have a plan, that's when you've got to make that plan. Because when you have them, there's no, you're not making any kind of fucking plans about if you're going to hitting kids or not. You're just going to chimp out or not. Like, that's the dividing. It's obviously the dividing line. Like, oh, nobody goes into it rolling up their sleeves like Popeye.

And I can't wait to bust these kids in their chabs. At least I don't think so. This is the only reason that kids, right? Sparring partners. Let's go, fucker. Trying to raise a little one punchman over here. No hair pulling. Like, oh, man, that's all I do. That's my best move, hair pulling.

That's all I got. Have like a gang of kids. Like, this one's the hair puller. This guy's the shin kicker. They're all the fucking hair puller. These motherfuckers? Five, the hair polers. They get in and then go, ha, boom!

And they got grip strength like a little monkey to hold themselves up. Because their caretaker is dumb, woman. They got to grab her hair. Hold on for it to your life. So I don't really agree with that. I think, nah, probably the people with no kids probably should be sounding off more

about whether you should hit your imaginary kids or not. Because they got time to think about it. And I guess they're passionate about wanting kids behave. They really think, they're really upset that either you're taking away their ability or that you're talking anybody out of it. Well, it's crazy to me because like this is modern day Greek philosophy. It's just like a bunch of retards arguing about shit they have like no business arguing about. And they're like, but this is like, I'm really affected by this. I'm really affected by this.

By the way. And then here's an anecdote. Yeah. Where somebody really should have beat that kid. Like, okay, man. I was fine. It's like, no, you're an asshole arguing. with other retards on Twitter.

Like, fuck off. Published in the Canadian Journal of, oh, okay. Now I see what happened to this survey. Now I see who's getting hit, and I agree. Yeah. Those kids should be hit.

Yeah. The adults should be hit, too. The adults should also be hit. And the kids should be hit. Everybody should be. At that price, they can be hit. Canadians are driving the survey.

Yeah. Canadians. Revealed that when the demographic of parents who was asked whether they had ever spank their child or children with their hand, about 20% said yes. When you have to spank your fishhead children for not listening? You got to wash that hand. The insult. Think guys, no joke. The racist remark that no one over here uses.

45% of Gen X is admitted to spanking their kids. Really? That's a lot. It just seems like you're losing your cool Yeah Which I could see Like I love whining people up Make them lose their cool

The thing is It's a fucking nightmare You gotta show your kid when to lose their cool Like in traffic This fucking This fucking man you just fucking Bend that shit right in front of your kid That will establish dominance

And it'll be like yo That guy's fucking crazy I'm not gonna fuck with his I'm not gonna shit in his coffee Well it may result in compliance in the moment it does so through fear rather than teaching the deeper skills children actually

need such as self-regulation or something I think you I do think you should probably not if you got to hit the kid you got to hit your wife too that's a pretty good right like if you got

you're just beating kids like okay I get that you're beating your wife too right like no okay well because you're a pussy you know if you really really believed that this was corrective, you'd be beating your wife too. Right? You know, that's a good point.

Yeah. You got to beat your dog, too. You got to beat everybody. You got to beat everybody. You got to be at work, busting people's ass. If you're going to beat kids, okay. I guess, you know, I'm not the expert. So maybe it does work as a corrective measure, but your wife needs to correcting too, man.

I know. I don't know her, but I'll tell you this. I know. Bitch, you better not be microwave efficient fucking two in the morning. Clock's better be gone. You get the belt for that one, yeah. Just be consistent. That's all I'm asking for. Consistent principles, Dick.

If they said, I beat women too, I'd be like, you know what? Beat those kids. Hell yeah, go for it. He needs the shit out of those kids. All right, you're correcting some women too? Cool. I just beat kids? Pussy. Yeah.

No way. There's just no way they're more poorly behaved than a woman. never never never they haven't learned to act that poorly yeah women have practice acting it badly yeah they got years of that years of that fucking interrupting me grinding in yeah sending me reminders at two in the morning when i can't do it why the fuck do i need this reminder why are you reminding me for something i can't do right now and i just got to think about that all day what you know come here you bitch get over here scorpion you got the fucking i can shoot

The harpoon threw her in the head. Get her over here. Crack. Fucking perform fatalities. They never have that part of the conversation, though. It's always just, should we beat these imaginary kids or not? Like, well, let's beat these imaginary wives, too, guys. Why not?

Why not? Explain it to me. You got to beat the imaginary trolley conductor, too. You got to beat the, you just beat the brakes on it. Beat the hobo? You got to beat Socrates. You got to go in time and beat up the whole world, dude. they got these fucking stories every single one of them

yeah about some kid that needed to get beat like yeah okay you needed to get beat dog yeah you don't you can't understand a kid about some fucking kid just to ignore it being a kid yeah oh you're fucking crudgery ruining what i had another kid's base study let me find it i hope that kid grows up and beats that guy yeah give

i hope those kids grow up and kick your ass right before you're dead crack Mm-hmm. Yeah, here it is. According to New Studies survey, 75% of Americans say restaurants should offer some kind of adults-only dining experience to avoid unruly kids.

Yeah, sure, go nuts. Fucking nerds. They'll give us smoking section first. Here you go. That's the adult session. I bet it's the same people that were crying about smoking are now crying about the kids.

Right? You got it, guys. No more smoking ever. Guess what? Nah. You got kids. If you bring smoking back, guess who's going to be like, I don't want my kids around that shit? Hell no.

Yeah, I'm not taking my kid do a smoking restaurant. We're at this point in society where we keep trying to reinvent the wheel. And it's like, no, no, no, things were fine. We could have progressed from that. We could have branched off from there and done something great. Uh-huh. We just decided to like, well, what if we find new things to complain about? That's secondhand smoke meme.

Really fucked things up. Well, dude, that's what I'm saying. Like, fucking... Some donut festival soldier dunk that one up. I know, secondhand smoke. Times are getting tough, man. We got a hot box cigarettes. Get rid of these kids, sure.

Bring smoking back then. No problem. Well, dude, you know how nice it would be to just be sitting there in a Chili's with like a little KVQ fucking little ceiling vent? And you could just like fucking rip a grit. Awesome, dude. Fucking pound down your triple dipper real quick

and then stumble back to your. car off a few margaritas, man. I can't believe we missed that, man. I remember being in McDonald's during the smoking in McDonald's. When did they outlaw that? Let me see. Do you remember it?

Are you old enough? I caught the very, like, right after it all got banned. When did McDonald's outlaw? And then right when all the secondhand smoke is killing kids kind of thing. Yeah. And then I'm like, well, standing outside in L.A. for five minutes is worse

than any secondhand smoke you could possibly imagine. 1994 really oh shit damn so yeah yeah you because I was 89 yeah

wow really that's cool huh when did they stop it on planes and was smoking that was like it's probably later than I imagine probably like what 70s or 80s

it was around the same time 19 oh shit 1988. Late 80s. Wow. God damn. Band on dim. I remember, I dimly remember seeing the smoking sign go off and the cigarette smoke just voop. That's awesome.

Very dimly. And I remember like looking in the ashtray when you get on a plane and sometimes there would be one. I saw a fucking cigarette butt in an ashtray as a kid and was like, oh. Whoa. I'm not welcome here. A bad person was here. A bad guy was here. No, I smoked a cigarette.

I'm like, man. I wonder who's going to rape Hassan. A bad guy, dude. I hope he's... I hope he's joking right now. Make his wiener bigger. That's what Trump should do. Trump's America 250 party looks like it's going to totally suck.

He should do like a countdown to Hassan getting raped. That'd be funny. Celebration. We could do every president, like different guys dressed of his every different president. the kid all rape AI. Yeah. Oh yeah.

It was real. Yeah. Just fucking like, and here we have George Washington. All right. What's up? George.

What? I spent all this time making this country for you to go work for the enemy. Chinese communist China. That's it. Oh,

principals. What an idiot. Stupid asshole. Um, okay. Trans lawsuit. D-transitioner. Camille Keifel has been awarded 3.5 million after her lawsuit

against two organ therapists Uh She was approved Organ therapist Yo She was approved by these therapists For a double mastectomy Jesus Christ

In 2020 After two telehealth sessions Two phone Two Zoom calls Cut your tits off Telehealth sessions At last fucking five minutes They're like okay

So what's your problem? I think my ear hurts. They're like, okay, cool. Here's your research right off. Where you got to use their dumb little app instead of just Google Meet, which always works. Right. You've got to have the one that you can't go to another tab

or else it restarts the process. Fucking dog shit, telehealth. Stupid, man. Fucking assholes. I've had two telehealth appointments about my, with my penis doctor. Still no email about when I can get a vasectomy. And now it's seeming like, all right,

It's kind of in the danger zone now. Hmm. I heard my wife drop. The, you know, I thought about having another, can I stop right there? Oh. Stop right there. She was like, I was going to say, I thought, against it, but I said, don't even say it out loud. Evil.

Don't say it out loud. Evil. We got to put up some dream catchers or a cradle or something around the house. What you've just done is very bad. There could be a dibick or something. something here. We got to get someone's grandma in here right away. Both of our grandmas are dead.

You got to put crosses made out of olive oil on all the doors. We got to get some crosses up right now, right the fuck now. Or maybe don't, dude. It'll activate all the Mexican genes and you'll have like 12 kids. Oh, no. You're right. And then you'll have to drive like a fucking Ford Econo van around. It won't be a white cross.

It will be a Mexican cursed cross of fertility. I mean to put up a Protestant, white cross for chastity. A loveless. A loveless. Chaste. Sexless. A puritanical cross.

But my wires got crossed and the Mexican cross went up. A getting funky. A fuzzy dice version went up. Fuck me. They look exactly the same. With something about it. When the hanging of the cross. To ward off pregnancies.

Man. Someone borrowed time. I can't get these French fuck, French fucking wiener doctors to call me back. Fucking French guys, man. They're probably out for a smoke right now. Two therapy sessions, cut your tits off. Man.

What can women not be talked into by a therapist? Hey, I'm doctor fucking penis grabber. Can you cut those tits off? No. Okay, I'll call you back tomorrow. Then we'll see about cutting your tits off. You know? Just dumb.

But what would Dr. Petus graver care about tits for? He's a fucking jerk. He just picked that name. He's an idiot. Oh, well, my middle name is Dr. Tis Chopper. Dr. Tis Chopper P penis grabber, MD. Man, what a real piece of work. What a stupid, what a stupid activity you're doing with your life.

What'd you do today for work, honey? My lesbian wife, obviously. Oh, I talked this stupid girl into cutting her tits off You want to go grab a beer? Like, what do they do all the rest of the day? Like, fantasize about it. Fucking play LA confidential. Press X.

Playing mixtape when you get home. Oh, tough day of work. I had to really talk. I had to really brainwash this stupid bitch into cutting her tits off. Took up half the day. Drink apparel and play cards against you. humanity. Oh, yeah.

Did our chungest edition arrive of Cards Against Humanity? That almost made me say a lot of bad words. We can't say on air. But I guess these people deserve freedom to, right, Myron? Wait, yeah, and she's getting 3.5 mil out of it? Like, what the fuck? The girl who cut her tits off. I don't even know if the tits were that good.

3.5 mil sounds like they weren't. Should I got them insured, dude. Jokes on you. you, Dr. Penis Graver. I got my tits insured. Look, if there's anything you learn about when two towers collapse is you got to take out insurance right beforehand. Uh-huh. Do you see the new Ferrari?

No. Garbage. They got the guy that designed the iPhone to make a new Ferrari. Oh, great. Here's what it looks like. This is the Ferrari. Wait, this is the Ferrari on the bottom. Oh.

And this is the... Just looks like every other fucking car. Yeah, this is the Nissan Leaf electric car. And this is the Ferrari. Electric car. It looks pretty much the same. It looks like one of the new Mustangs and a new 400 Z. Yeah.

It's not that. It looks like a crappy Mario card. It looks like one of those... The ones that the me drives. Yeah. It looks like one of those pin-in-ferina designs that's like... really like here's like an art version of it yeah and then they're like okay well this was inspired

this is the actual car inspired the thing that you know because it's like that's all so tubby and chunky looking for Ferrari looks like crap they got the iPhone designer to do it I'm that dumb they should have got the guy who designed the Testerosa to redo it yeah a fucking cool get the guy who did the F40 or the F50 something man fuck it I'll even take another Enzo

look like everything looks like Stephen Universe now. Yeah. Gay-ass car. Chungusmobile. Chuggis-mobile. It looks like you've got to plug that shit in, man. I hate this lopsided steering wheel

shit, too. Just give me a circle, man. Man. Put a dent in it. It just looks so... Looks like a toy. It looks like a go-kart. Yeah. Well, good for you.

Huh. Okay. Let me see what I got here. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, what time is it? Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. She, this person says, Mm-mm-mm-mm, mm-mm. Simply she.

What could it mean? I don't know. Why are all these things popping up? Okay, some kind, oh, uh-oh, something, something went wrong with a driving, a dump truck. Okay? It's unbelievable to witnesses How in the heck this truck driver

Hulling U-Haul storage pods Didn't realize she was dragging an insanely large tree branch lengthwise? There's the she Somebody caught this on tape? Man Is this a real news thing or is this AI? Oh God, this is my Instagram now Just giant fat black women

Can someone finally tell me what the black girl version of a torta is? A dump. Uh, down a narrow street in North Hollywood, crushing this parked car like a damn. Huge rearview mirrors on both sides. Like, there's no way you couldn't see. And you could fill the truck dragging the tree and hitting all these cars. This girl ain't stopping. Like, she's causing like devastation to all these cars. Clark says he was sitting inside his Prius when he saw the truck towing a

Heard off tree branch, hitting other cars and barreling right toward him. He says he hopped out of the... It's like a full tree. It's not a branch. It's an entire tree that this woman has ripped off. Yeah. And is laying across the back of a... Why is a woman driving a flatbed of...

of pod storage containers anywhere? How did that happen? She girl bossed a little too hard, man. Her husband was... He's like, I'm sick, but I can't... miss the day of work. Dude, I'll do it, honey. How hard could it be?

The other day I was trying to leave out of Beverly Hills. Yeah. And, you know, me and my girlfriend, get to the car. Totally fine. Yeah. This guy is out on the sidewalk, kind of directing this big SUV. And I look over at her, I'm like, how much you want to bet it's his fucking girlfriend. Because the way she kept trying to, she almost backed into my car.

countless times and not like a you know just like backing in to like parallel part right at that i can it was like i actually had to reverse because i'm like it was a good thing it was leaving because i'm like well shit at least fucking i still got my front bumper attached i get i get the same feeling um when a self-driving car is driving and a woman is driving i think what the fuck are they doing and it's like what's going on here it's like two or three feet away from the curb and every time she's back in. Yeah. He got farther away from the curb. And I'm like, oh my fucking God. I was like, I like started my car. I didn't even give a chance a car to warm up. I just like, we're getting to get out of here. Yeah. You got a warm up car? Man, that's old school. I got to let this car

warm up. I haven't heard that a long time. You got to get these. You got to wait till the little blue oil light goes off. And, you know, people say like, oh, you can haul ass without it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, no. I, this thing's old, man. God, my car's getting old. Ten years. Yeah. I've got out of that truck now. For seconds before impact.

It's a whole tree. How did she tear the tree off? Dodge it. I felt like a ninja turtle. Unfortunately, he says the Prius is totaled. He said he's built like a Ninja Turtle. Gay like a Ninja Turtle. You're Prius.

Leaving the gay bar and going to a gay bank in his Prius, going to his gay job at the Cox sucking factory. Local man, local homosexual, tells us about his day defying death at the hands of a woman driver. And his car is only worth like three grand.

But the video he's since posted on Instagram now has millions of views. He's hoping some of that attention turns into some new downloads for his band. People cut massacal. I'm a musician, so I write songs. And I want them all to hear them. And it's all about their well-being.

and avoiding this crazy road that guy should have gotten killed in that car yeah yeah he should have gotten his head smashed all that to fucking like no you need to call up your insurance company and fucking how did he get the news to drop a story on his band

usually they just cut away well it probably went viral and then he's like they reached out to him like all right can we use this clip only if you mentioned my band yeah it's probably something stupid like that yeah the LAPD says When the driver hit a tree on Lameda Street, that big old branch became lodged between the truck and trailer.

That big old branch? Very technical term. The cops said that? The cops said a big old branch. To damage 12 cars. Is this real? It sounds like real. What the hell?

Uh, CBSLA. That's real. It's fucking... Okay. I don't want to see anymore. They're out there. So you're saying that that there's nothing correct? that can be done there?

Only kids? Okay. He should have pulled that bitch out and started beating her. If beating worked that, wouldn't have happened. That's all I'm saying. Yeah.

If you're too terrified to drive the truck, you won't fucking cause all this case. If you withhold a beating from a bitch instead of if you give a mouse to cookies, and then she's going to think she's capable of this.

Oh, Chris the Kiwi said, what's Schizochian's email address? I'm pretty upset that you and others made my mental health worse to an extent and to an extent ruined my life. He wants Schocean's email. Yeah, Dick, you're

the mental health ruiner. And to an extent ruined my life. This morning, he sent that. You're the one who made all those calls. Maybe he's life, I thought his life was going great, but maybe it's not going great now. I don't know.

Man. Bad times In the Zealand I'll get a hold of them And see what can be done Get his life Back together Liam says

You and Ralph came up With plantation simulator In the early 2000s In the early 200s And wanted Jesse Lee Peterson To promote it That sounds like something We would have come up with

Plantation simulator That's cool The one they made It's pretty cool though You know with the guy's hat Go like that Well you could be Doug Dimitome dude

Oh yeah It's like the more slaves beat the taller your hat gets that's a crazy cool mechanic Christian Perez says Hitler 2 in the poo epidemic I don't know what that means I have a hunch but it's not gonna guess I also have a hunch Let me see what did people say here Do to do too do Oh yeah candy gram from Mongo

The Lening Donuts says botany 500 comment was great Necroccese oh hell nah fish is good on a bun good on a bun good on a bun what does that mean it's probably a fish reference I'm just not catching it because I could not be bothered to listen oh fish the band yeah yeah yeah okay I do the Kenny Loggins thing where they're like hey you should check out fish I go you uh Alex a Chevron is literally the highest quality value best gas car gas you can get in SoCal LMAO. I think he's being serious there.

He is. It's got Tecron in it. It's got the best shit, man. Dude, can't go to war with... You never see no shell cars. No, you don't see any shell. You think of a shell. You think of that...

Scratch off tickets. Yeah. You got to stand in... You got a wait in line that shell because you got a bunch of fucking bums thinking they're going to make it rich that day. Yeah. Fuck that.

Shell. You don't even see that at Arco. It's like from the 50s. Shell. Yeah. Like, wherever. Everyone's grandpa worked at this. That's something like J.P. Morgan was like still a guy.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I think. Gentlemen, sausage says, forget drunk NASCAR. I want to see drivers hopped up on Adderall. And Panzer Chocolate. What's Panzer Chocolate? Panzer Chocolate? Tank chocolate? What is that?

Some kind of World War II meth? Yeah. That he's dropping Nazi meth references. Panzer chocolate. Chocolate, panzer, chocolate. Yeah. Lottie. I want to see a microwave disassembling and reassembling.

Oh, man. Crackhead games? Give a bunch of crackheads like, fuck. Yeah, the Enhance Games sucked. Did you watch that at all? No. I tried to put it on, and it was, the first event was the woman's snatch. I was like, I've had enough of that.

I'm out. Quirk Chungas fucking Olympics. Women Snatch is the first event. That's for a different channel. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. But then the rest of it was like, it was depressing. Instead of doing like WrestleMania style,

like these guys are the, these guys are so loaded up on juice. They're juiced up. They're going to mark, they're going to hit home runs all day. Yeah. But instead it was like, it was, the whole event was an apology.

Every single, the announcers were apologizing. Like, you know, we, this is this whole. whole thing it's great because all these guys who are past their prime can get a shot and they're taking home money. I'm like, this is, and they're getting their personal best today. This is pathetic. I feel pathetic for watching this. This is sad. Nobody watches, nobody knows what the records are in swimming at all. You could just say it's a world record. No one gives a fuck. We're here to see juiced up, roided out freaks doing activities. That's it. I want to see yelling. That's like just as impressive as like evil caneval

was. Yeah. Where it's like holy shit, that guy jumped a bunch of buses like God, jump the pool. Jumped the 100 meter. Yeah. Do some shit that's like your average person can look at and be like, God damn. Whoa, cool. Instead of all these weird human interest stories about guys in their

40s who get another shot. You got to be a real Olympics head like me to understand all the records and it's like what is fucking dork? It was so dumb and bad. A whole thing was an apology. I thought it would be cool. I was excited for a second.

I want to see people kicking the football so hard that they just blow up. And no one can football. Yeah, just like, just insane levels of, because dude. Hammer throw. That should have been the first, the fucking hammer throw. That's a perfect roid event. Look at how fucking big this guy is. This muscle dummy, this giga N-word, is going to twirl this hammer around and throw it into outer space after these messages.

I figured it out. Enhanced Royed guys versus retards. Because dude, when I was in high school, there was this fucking big retarded guy who was like twice my width and like probably a foot taller than me. Like just total mongo shit. Yeah. Dude, every time we'd play football, he would kick it like above. Like he'd kick it over the field goal and over the fence into traffic. And it was like, how the fuck?

What was that? Oh, that was my hand. I was like, how the fuck can you kick that hard? Yeah. And it was just like, dude. Like a mule. Yeah, and it was just like, there's no fucking way And like we lost so many footballs

Because of this kid You played football? No, it was just for like P.E. Oh, yeah. But it was just like one of those things Where it was like, dude, you cost the school money Because you only can kick them into an unattainable Like you fucked a car up the other day, dude

Like you can't, holy shit But so you get these guys, right? Someone who can naturally Throw a hammer to the moon And then some guy who can like Can a normal person on juice out kick a retarded person or athlete

restarted American dude I'm telling you man like that guy saw go bowling and get five perfect fucking 300 games in a row it's like dude it's not that he was good at bowling he could just throw that fucking ball so hard it didn't matter

he could have bowled that thing right to a tank somebody didn't explain to them that the Olympics they thought you know we need to make an Olympics that takes itself more seriously and we'll call it this steroid Olympics. Like, do you guys not

understand that this was about combining, this was about, like, this is a joke. Yeah. Like,

we need, like, X games, yeah. On heroin, on crack. Yeah. We need, like,

a fucking, like, I want, like, that 90s extreme, like, we dropped a guy off a fucking blimp

into a fucking half pipe, and he did a 9 million spin into it. Injected heroin the whole way down. Yeah. Fucking Peter

deal, fuck your games. He nodded off and came back on his way down. Then Peter Thiel got so butt hurt about it. He moved to Argentina. Common trope for these guys, man. I don't think that's a good place to hide. At South America, I don't think it's a good place to hide for billionaires. I don't think they have a great track record. They're like, wait a second, you have more than a dollar in your pocket? Yeah. Oh, let's give us that. They don't really like, if you go, you go to like Arkansas or something and set up shop, pay the whole town. Like, do bad guy shit.

You know, be boss hog. He didn't even have that much money. He still ran the whole town. You know, you own the sheriff. You own, like, Ellison, who owns that entire Hawaiian island. That's the correct way to do it. Yeah.

In America, don't go down to Argentina. Start having a compound down there, like, Yeah. Little Israeli libertarian or whatever is going to save you. He's not. It's like, let me find safety in Brazil. Good luck with that. Like, no.

Took his kids down there. I didn't even know he had kids. That's crazy. I thought he was gay. That's what I was like, huh? I guess all gay guys have kids now? That's like... Didn't have that on my bingo card.

Yeah. Okay. Used to just be... Poor gays have kids, too? Too many, yes. They got to rape kids the old fashion way. I'm becoming priests. Is that why everyone's so religious these days?

Well, I'm gay and I want to rape kids, but I don't have a billion dollars, so I became a priest. Oh. Yes, I got paid to do it instead. Sorry if that offends you. The sacred Kirkpan, Kane says, no license necessary. I don't know what that means. Punished Arkham says the underlying bigotry of speaking about gas prices. Oh, is that bigotry now?

speak about gas prices? Advice a guy in his 50s pissed on my leg at a concert last night. All I could do was, this is a jumble of letters. All I could do was shout at him until he went to the bar. What do you? That happens, man. Sounds like you shouted it until he went to the bar. You should have pissed on him back.

What are you thinking? You're in a piss war. Should have pissed right in his mouth, dude. I show him his boss. Somebody pisses on my leg. I'm pissing his face. dude i don't want to look like a bitch i fucking threw a brick at someone who tried to piss on me one time

really i was putting posters up and fucking i may have told this one before but fucking there's two crackheads it's like three in the morning i'm at my last stretch of posters i've got 60 left

I'm like cool just this one big wall I can go to go home shower and sleep maybe for an hour or two before i got to go back to work already and there's these two fucking crackheads you shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep. No, you shut the fuck up. I'm trying to sleep. And I'm like, oh, no. Like, not this shit. And then

every time I'm trying to go to sleep, you won't stop fucking talking. Like, well, you stop. And it's like, it felt like a fucking event in a game or some shit. I was like, really? Like, what the fuck is this? So I... Like a little bloop on the map. Boop. Yeah. I just fucking lost it. And I started slamming

this plywood wall with my... The screen shrinks in a little bit on the top and bottom. Yeah. I'm going to sleep. You start talking. The captions start coming up and I was just like, I just started seeing red, and I started slamming against the wall with my paint brush. It's this big, like, car wash brush. I'm like, why don't you both shut the fuck up?

And I'm just, like, yelling at it. I'm like shaking the wall, trying to knock it down on them. Because I was just like, I had it. I had it that day. And so they shut up finally. Thank God. So I get my posters up, and I'm going down, and I'm moving all my shit. And it gets quiet.

And then I start seeing all this piss come from behind. And I was like, they tried to fucking piss me out of this. Absolutely the fuck not. So I go down to the 24-hour Ralphs. Okay. Fucking like last like three bucks in my bank account at the time. Fucking buy a bottle of clam juice. I drive back, dude, and I'm like, fear, I speed all the way down there.

And this is on Van Nuys Boulevard. I speed all over. I fucking, I see a brick in the street. And I see a jack in the box cup. So I fill that cup up with glue. glue from the posters yeah all my wheat paste it's potato starch and water but

I um it's potatoes right and I'm like don't you ever fucking piss on me I was like the city pays me to kill people like you and so I fucking like I football this cup all over and they're like hey what the fuck and I take

my little clam juice and dude it's one of those old googee buildings right it was the um it was a bank in like the 50s and then the Mexican grocery store up until recently but it had like the cur like the ridged roof and everything It was so fucking high up there I had to like really put some effort

It's not like Through this bottle of clam juice So fucking hard It hit the ceiling and shattered And there was clam juice and glass everywhere I'm like Don't you ever fucking try and piss on me I was like especially what I didn't ask for it

And I take this brick and I fucking throw it over the fence too and you're like Hey what the fuck I was like come on the other side of the ball I'll fucking I was just like lost it So I get the rest of my poses up Take my pictures Didn't hear a peep out of any of them

I fucking get my car leave up But I was like man don't you ever start the piss war with me after a fucking 18 hour shift at work I've had it all day with customer service and I've definitely had it doing not customer service

you got it up to Andy you got it up yeah you can't just take a piss you got to show them how crazy you really are sometimes man like piss is a trigger piss is a trick man fucking wig out I do I wigged the fuck out I fucking I look like rat fain

driving in my car on the way back. Had the shifter all the way up here and everything. I was like, don't you ever fucking get your bum piss anywhere near me, you fucking absolute degenerates? You gotta save up a little piss when you had a concert just in case somebody pisses on you.

You don't want to have an empty tank like a dog will do, you know, going around neighborhood. Either that or keep a bottle of clam juice on you. Just crack it open and pour it on him. How does a rocket go through the firmament? I don't know. Snort.

Familiar horse simulator. That hanta in the hanta virus is a Hebrew that means, Hebrew word that means scam. Wow. I think you've cracked the code. Cool. This guy figured it out, everybody.

Figured it out. I guess we all know that the hantavirus is going to be a scam. It's right there. All the, all the, um, conspiracies are finally coming together.

Well, dude, Dick, you know that if you look at the word universe, it just means like single spoken sentence, right? So that's how you know that God spoke it all into existence because we call it the universe, right? God, dude, do you ever accidentally find one of those accounts? And it's like a different, a whole different species of people.

I find them all the time. And let me tell, dude, I meet people like that regularly. You think they're normal? And then you get halfway through a day working with them and they hit you with some shit and you're like oh that's schizo man that's prison thinking that you're saying right now it's like fuck man like i really hope this check clears by the end of the day like damn that used to pass for like thoughts before the computer yeah see you know that it's that's how you know that god spoke it into existence dude that's what fucking that's like all this like it's a combo

of like boomerism and like being retarded as fuck which i guess it's like a flat circle or right there but like, man. It's doubling down on the retarded. It's like, see, like, look at the etymology. It's like how like Greeks are like, see, this word was actually, it's this word. Okay, yeah. It's like, oh, yeah, cool. I still have to listen to some fucking asshole explain it to me.

Yeah, did you start, did you come off with this just to explain it? Yeah. Talk about how the vassal state of Canada is the threat to the U.S. say now. Chinese troops are training here. Yeah. The Chinese are just impregnating millions of surrogates

in the U.S. Why not? We're going to have an army of half black, half Chinese warriors. They're going to look like the clay guys lining up by Waffle House in 20 years. We're fucked. The terracotta warriors. The terra N-word

warriors are lining up by the Waffle House awaiting orders. Man, how am I supposed to get my paintings now, man? Fuck. I don't know. I don't know what we're going to have to do. Trump betrayed us.

We're going to need a, we're going to, Nick Fuentes is the only one that can save us now. So, he better not get killed, because after him, we got nobody. We can rape us on. That's fine. That'll buy some time. You know, that'll be cool.

but Nick Fuentes is going to have to figure it out. He's going to have to eventually pick somebody. And that person is going to have to be, that person's going to have to look. We're going to have to find the hottest, most racist man who's ever lived. Only then, only he. A man who's so hot women will just do, because you, it's, if you can, women will support you based on your looking. alone. That's it. They don't care at all. Yeah. What you're saying, but he's got to be like, but if you're a guy that hot, you're going to go into acting music and other bullshit. You're

not going to go into politics. We have to find a real fucked up, like, prophes, I'm prophesizing the savior of. Yeah. He's got to be, he's got to be one beautiful motherfucker. Not clavicular, like better. Even better. More beautiful. We need like a... Only he can save us. Because women are stupid. They vote. Yeah.

That's and he's going to have to set him straight. That's it. I don't know what... I don't know what else to do. That's... You have to start a campaign where it's like, look, everybody. I'm going to make a DV cases.

Go straight through the floor. Uh-huh. It's okay to be bitches now. He's going to have to start with there. Yeah. He's going to have to start. He's going to have to take. Like, they're going to, they're going to make saying anything, anything to the right of Mao,

just the equivalent of, you know, having a Nazi parade. It's going to be, the crackdown is going to be thorough and devastating. Yeah. It's going to be bad. Larry Ellison is going to lead, lead the charge to wipe out everyone, everyone to the right of, everyone to the right of you know I don't know

of him Hassan yeah Hassan will be far right at some point that's what it's going to take until then I don't

J.D. Vance is not doing it or we just let China take over like what are the taxes in China what are the taxes in China they got better cigarettes man got better cigarettes

what do they have what makes China so bad the city's cool no Calhoun City is what makes China bad yeah but you You don't have to live there, do you? I mean, they took it down, so you can't live there.

Oh, see? Maybe that's why they're bad is because they took it down. I could not make a Winnie the Pooh joke. That's fine. I don't even care about that. I've not made so many jokes for so long. What's one more going to do? I'm just like, man.

I get it. Guy looks like Winnie the Pooh. He doesn't want to be reminded of it all the time. Fucks up his whole vibe. All good, yeah. That's fine. I can get behind that. Say it out in the open.

I don't like being called Winnie the Pooh, so don't call me Winnie the poo. It hurts my feelings. Okay. I won't do it then. You go to jail. You don't even have to threaten me. I just won't do it. You don't got to disappear my whole family over that shit. But when you're like, this guy's a woman, say it or else you lose your job, like, well, just say you don't like being called, you know, just tell me the truth. You don't want to be called a man. Then I'll do it, but don't say it. Yeah. Just be honest with me. That's all. They're honest about it in China. I get it. I can appreciate that.

I can appreciate that. Sneaky, too. But, they're not too sneaky. When you catch them, they're like, ah, you caught me. You know? Well, then it's your fault. Yeah.

You caught me. I knew, I said I was going to do it. And I did it. All right. Look, you asked why this Coke was flat. Fat watch. Okay. What is this?

Fat watch. Vinny said me something too. Science. Oh, get out of here. Science suggests that men with plus-sized partners may report higher relationship satisfaction. With who? I want to see the next woman?

Like the follow-up tweet to this be like a picture of like a fat lady like tweeting this. Yeah. The scientists in question. Yeah. Like busting at the seams. Look at this mesh.

Computer woman they got here. Enlarged heart. You can't even see his heart. Even as a wire frame, it still took the computer two months to render this. Jesus. Is that how you're supposed to hold a fat woman? Right there on the spare dump truck tire there? Is that?

The science back that up? It's crazy because, like, that would be on the smaller end of the fatness going around. This is 90s fat. Yeah, that's like... Yeah. Because I'm like, wait a second. the bed is the size of modern day yeah I was like

this is a look at there's her eyes this is the actual wife see there's her eyes right there they're all cracked out on donuts look at how big her heart is and he has no heart she's got in the largest heart dude signs of men with plus size partners

may report higher relationship like are they listening to them are the fat women standing over them you better you better mark that as highly satisfied I just thought it was a Chili's survey He's just used to checking Yeah satisfied

We get free chips next time we come back Yeah you better fill that out You better fill out that survey All right and here's if you could just fill out this Oh don't worry we'll fill out the survey We'll be back yeah For 5% off The mozzarella sticks

Hey I'm gonna have some mozzarella sticks It's just spending 300 bucks You know 5% off is pretty good. Whole 15 bucks, man. What did Vinnie send me? Do I have my phone? There it is.

Vinny sent me something good the other day. God damn it, I'm out of fucking batteries. Okay. What did he send you? I forget. It's on my phone. At least we have voicemails. Oh, yeah.

We'll see you next week, everybody. Patreon.com slash the Dix show, TikTok show. Bo-bubba-bba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I got a that pisses me off for you Oh fuck Do it next week At the beginning Cool

Uh It would still be pissing me off that Yeah Write it down Hey dee dee Higher satisfaction If it's not that Rolling Stone song Get it to fuck out of here

Yeah rage Is any of that shit I believe George Carlin called it Soft language Something like that like, um, you know, differently abled or people, persons experiencing homelessness or, you know, fucking unhoused or whatever. Any of that.

Oops. Targeted towards those fucking bloomer cock suckers who need to be fucking coddled and, you know, are all easily offended or whatever. Like, you know, attention. Our customer is 55 years or better. Can you, blah, blah, blah. If you're 55 years young or more, like, fuck you. Go fuck yourself. Mucci's for Johnny. That's a great call. We were leaving the Italian restaurant last night.

My wife and I. And there was a billboard for a retirement community. And it said, for the 55 plus crowd. And I said the same thing. I'm like, God, it's, they need that. They really need, not for just age 55 plus. Like, information, just no information can be. delivered without some anthropomorphization of said information.

Like, it can't just be delivered. It has to be trussed up and, like, chilled out and vibed up. Yeah, like, this is the kind of, it's a 55 plus crowd, man. The crowd, we're hip. Yeah, of course it's not. Like, it has nothing to do. It's just 55 and over. There's no fucking vibe at all required or delivered, but everything.

Yeah, you could just call this place Margaritaville. Like, come on. Giant Margaritaville. Squidville, dude. It's like, God, no wonder, no wonder that place was so fucking full of boomers. The retirement community right there. Let's go firebom it.

I don't, their parents fucked them up. You know, their parents must have been, our boomers' parents were like, it just must have driven them insane. All the language policing. Yeah. Like, they were assholes. So boomers were like, oh, yeah, what if it's not actually a colored person, it's like a person of color.

And they're like, what the fuck? Like, it just drove them crazy. Yeah. So they did it their whole lives. They grew up going like, oh, yeah, well, they're experiencing, you know, retardedness. They're not retarded. And it stuck. It stuck and turned into their whole government.

Like, you guys can stop fucking with your parents. They're all dead. Yeah. This is just pissing everyone off. Like, it makes me think that. Like, were boomer parents worse in, like, were they somehow more boomer? Yes. That's crazy.

Boomers' parents were like, we got to go, we got to go shoot a bunch of white people so that Israel can be free. Like, wow, you guys are fucking insane. That's a, yeah, no, you're right. Fuck. Well, my wife sucks. I'm going to give her a lobotomy. Like, what? You're going to take her, scoop her brain out?

I think that's a little far. Can you believe we got rid of that? It's not going to make it better. Oh. I mean, yeah, terrible. Terrible practice. Now they come pre-lebotomized. They were huge assholes.

Their parents. That's cool. Okay. Hey, Dick, hey, Johnny. You're dropping your Holy Spirit is speaking through me. You know what? I got something that pisses me off. It's ungrateful Jaywalkers that you let have.

This old lady, you know, she's walking. and she was about to start across the street. I'm on a side road, there's no crosswalk. So it's like, whatever, I'll all stop. And I wave her along, she kind of looks and goes, throws up her shoulders. And I waved, I go. Not chaywalk in then.

My window's announced, I go, you can go. And as she gets across and I, you know, wave, you know, have a good one. She yells at me and goes, You didn't need to stop. Oh. I was so tempted to back up and hop the curb. and run her fucking crusty old ass over. Anywho, thank you, fuck you bye.

Who can be whiter? It's a white off. Stop stopping. You can go. You didn't need to stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Podcast profit, three little words that will help your life tremendously.

It's called, please don't help. If you see someone that needs to get something off a shelf, or if you see someone who needs to cross the street, go about your fucking business and let them figure it out. You didn't need to yell at her. Yeah. You fucked both of your guys' days up By trying to be a nice guy

And you're not a nice guy Yeah Stopping was enough Yeah And then if they don't get it Just go Just go You don't need a

Or You need a tutorial Blow right on through Yeah Hey Dick If we're not supposed to be addicted At sports I'm just wondering

What I should Try to be addicted to That I can do Every day for Like an hour or two It won't kill me Pretty clip coming back

love you oh you can try jacking off you try taking like a nap you could like organize a spreadsheet even you could read the Bible anything even smoking crack

would be more productive than watching sports and then yelling at the TV and getting heart problems about it you want to be addicted to something that's hard to do not like being addicted to sports too easy you can go to the bar You go to a restaurant.

It's on your phone. It's on your phone. And it gets other addictions along with it. You know, then you get addicted to sports gambling. Then you get addicted to, you know, sports memorizing.

Then you get addicted to sports memorabilia, yeah. Sports memorabilia. This is a big mess. You got to get addicted to something that's hard to do, like smoking crack. And then at least there will be...

Then you'll spend your whole day trying to get your fix. Yeah. You have to go on adventures. Yeah. You get to see people's house. But you got to go to the World Series? Like, it's easy.

Yeah. Easy to just buy it. buy tickets. You can't just buy crack. You've got to go find it. Right. Or just start eating hot peppers. Start eating hot peppers. My old roommate was sober, so the only way we could get fucked was like, well, should we eat Carolina Reaper? And it's like, all right, I guess we're getting high today, boss. They can't leave well enough alone. They never can. Yeah. The muscle milk, whatever they had it before, it tasted fine. And now they just changed. It's got a new label

Open it up I'm expecting that same taste That I'm always enjoyed They're muscle flavor It's fucked up now It's not at all the same I'm sorry man Why can't good things be best alone

You know That actually really because muscle milk is like It's an old standby There's a reason you just like It's like new coke man Don't fucking change it There's a reason it's sold forever.

Keep it as is. Number one, don't fuck with the formula. Fuck, dude, that really... Like, it makes sense why they fuck with pre-workout, right? Yeah. Because it's like...

You gotta keep things exciting. Well, that and they do, how it always works is, because I got really into HEMO rage for a while because it was... They should never have been allowed to sell that shit,

but the fact of... Hema rage? Yeah. What's that? It was a pre-workout... It's... Dude, it looked like it, yeah. It came in like a five-hour energy

shot, and they used to use... And this is how I figured figured all this out is what early, what pre-workout companies do is they make a new formula, but they include like the one three dimethylethylene or whatever the fucking chemical compound is, but it's like one or two bonds away from being meth or something like that. What? So then after people start buying go, yo, this pre-workout is fucking crazy. Then they, that's why they always say like this is not FDA, evaluated, blah, blah, blah.

I'm not making meth though, are they? It's not met. It's like a couple things away. Okay. But then what happens is when it finally does get tested, then they rebrand. So like C4, it used to be like that. And then now it's like, you could only find it at GNC. And it's like, oh, they got C4 crazy.

And then it's like, here's a C4 energy drink at your local grocery store. I'm like, that's not even close to what it fucking was. But with HEMO rage, you could drink half a bottle, dude. And you would just like go work out all day. Yeah. It's just like, okay, well, I did Arms Day. Like, well, I'm still here. I'm still, I got plenty of energy.

Like I'm like, like, the legs day. You do chest back. You every single day, all I want, and the sun, like, is finally down. You're like, I guess I'll go home. You wake up the next day, and you're like, I'm still ready to work out. No, you're like, dude, I feel like someone ran me over

with a fucking steamroller. Like, why the fuck am I in so much pain, dude? And then you take like half a sip. Right, Ben, it's like, that shit should not. You mixed up your pre-work out with some bum meth. It was fucking hemo rage. They were selling it in boxes at 7-11, and me and my friends would just buy them all and resell them.

But, dude. It was nuts, man. But when they changed that formula, it would be bottom of bottom. It was like, I'm falling asleep drinking one of these now, man. What the fuck's in this? And so it was like all the magic had left with it.

And it was like, oh, yeah, they got the FDA test thing. And now they can't have the magic ingredient in it. That's what they're doing? Oh, yeah. But that makes sense for pre-workout, right? You build the myth that it's good. And then you change the formula. Yeah.

By the time, it's our. a brand name, but with something like muscle milk, which doesn't have any of that shit in it, they should just left it. Maybe this guy mixed up his muscle milk. You didn't get a hemorrhager a C4, did you? All right. Let's do it. We got some good stuff today.

Oh, man. I forgot what I sent in on the drive-in as a typical. Safety first. Safety first. Oh, right. Okay. So this is a mother making a bicycle helmet

for one of her babies. For the first time I see a lot of people saying Oh where's his town So I ain't feel like buying a helmet So I made him one And one thing about us mothers We gonna make it do what it do

While saving money too Now thank me later Okay So yesterday I hosted a video Pot It's like a medium It's like a rice cooker pot Yeah

And she's putting a little Beanie on the pot And then strapping the beanie On her little black sons Is she joking? I think she's... I couldn't tell, dude. Okay, well, another one says

dumpster diving for myself saving money. Tony, they're throwing away full, man, they trippy. Ugh. Okay, she's joking. She had that fry in advance. I hope. That's what my hope is. I can't tell anymore, dude.

I'm getting old. No. But here's a mobility aid for you. Well, maybe not for you, but So you know how there's the I don't like it already The little stone

Or not the stone The little wand to wipe your ass Yeah What if you needed like a flower crown To put your fucking diaper on She's got like a thorn Of crowns And some sort of a

Lavender Looks like underwear But it has weird stuff in it Fluff, it's puffy and weird places Oh makeup And the woman looks like

Like Rosie O'Donnell's sister basically the garment glider plus she's got she's got so she put the crown

inside the diaper panties whatever it is as the waistband and now she's using a a dowel rod

with a hook on it to pull hook pull the diaper up her leg Because she can't bend over. It's taking a long time. The Garment Guider Plus glider.

It's just to get it up to her shins so she can pull it the rest of the way. It's just a wreath that goes in pants. Look at that. Okay. But then she's got to wear that all day, right? I don't know how it comes off. Do you unwind it and put it over your head? It's like a Chinese finger trap, but like Chinese grease trap.

Man, how do you get in this spot? How do you got to pull your pants up with a reef? Reith. Okay, now what does she do with the wreath now? Now the pants are on. Just rock the fucking... It's rock it. Just rock it.

How did it get so big? Okay, there she guys. Oh, it gets even bigger? What the fuck? It's like a Hulu hoop. Plus size preview. Golden Adaptations? Okay.

It's a fresh scam account. She's got only a few posts. She's trying to get her business up and off the ground, man. So if that wasn't enough fatness for you, here's an instant disability pay hack. I don't know if you've seen this one. I've been cackling at this. Like a fucking witch.

It's like a kind of overweight person messing around on a locomotive train. Yeah, he's trying to get into the cabin, yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh-oh. It's already, it's not worried. He's shifted. He's shifted the transition to his arms. Arms aren't holding.

Look at where his shoulders and his elbows are in relation to his head, dude. Yeah, you want to be, you want to extend your arms. He got no fulcrum. He got no. no leverage. This is a bad fat people will take their tricks of getting in out of chairs and try to apply them to other scenarios. They don't really work. It's like being a master at something, right? Everyone thinks they're master one thing. That means they're mastered everything. This is not how you get into this. I don't, I'm not, I don't know how to get into trains really,

but this is not how. Okay. He's struggling. He said, watch this shit. He can't lift himself up with his foot. He's stuck. Done. He fell off the train. And it's raining. That guy fell off the train. Dude, watch his leg get crumpled up, and then the back of his fucking dome hit the rocks. That's just like a...

Nobody even tries to catch him. They got three people down there. Well, they can't have two people on disability, Dick. This guy... He's like, I'm going, I'm going... Done. That one guy tried to... He did the...

he did the I'm reaching out but I'm backing it away oh no yeah oh no you know who went right through me ole man

well because you know everyone else there went home that night and was like you're never gonna believe what I fucking saw today fat dan fell off the train fucking fat piece of shit

fucking cracked his skull open and here's Indian barbecue oh god this could be any number of things um okay in this instance oh god

an indian is wearing a like a necklace of like a lay of flowers and he just dunked his head into some charcoal and he's doing a handstand in the charcoal just totally insane keep it out of

keep it out get rid of it Now he's laying in the fire pit How is he that muscular? Does he do weights? Does he lift? I mean, when you don't eat all day Or I guess when you're...

Now he's laying in the fire. Well, you know what it is. It's when you're... When you spend all day throwing up from eating shit all day. Oh, I see. You get abs from that. Is that...

All I can think, my alternate caption was what really happened on that first season of Survivor. Yeah. Because remember when that guy was looking at... in the fire and he had a seizure and fell in. Oh.

Oh. That's the only thing I remember from that show. Yeah, he was watching the fire and he's like, oh, and fucking totally just like, yeah. Oh, that would have been funny. They showed that on TV? I think they just talked about it.

Dude, it's been so long. I just remember the incident. All right. They don't react at all. Anybody dies or anything they don't react. Everyone's just like, damn. not like wow that was someone's kid or like you know can i help yeah can anyone do something just like it's just like they're all it's like a number mm-hmm it's like oh man number five bojillion and

whatever he's awful there's more react there's bigger reactions in like grand theft auto three and pieces are like whoa shit that guy just got run over bigger reactions in mario brothers the first one yeah at least those little guys will turn around boop bo yeah their eyes shift directions yeah okay give i everybody see you