Episode 513 - Dick on the Food Pyramid
00:00How was it outside today?Is this air?Are you aware that there's an ammonia fire happening?Oh, is that...You see it?Is that why my eyes were watering when I woke up?Yeah, they declared a state of emergency.Stay inside and don't run your air.
00:14Like, don't run my air.How's running my air conditioninggoing to help with an ammonia fire?What are you talking about?Don't run the air.Don't run the air.Of course I'm running the air.It's from inside.
00:24Breathing that shit outside.Fuck, yeah.Is this a grid issue?It's always...You know, it's always some other bullshit that they can sneak in.Yeah.And then every time a transformer blows, they replace it with a cheaper, shittier one, too.Yeah.
00:41Well, AI made this one.Doesn't work.We need some boomer-made infrastructure again.God damn, I'm going to miss them.And then get rid of them after that.One day, yeah, bring them in, de-thaw the last...Look, we're going to keep the last boomer on ice.And we need them, we're going to just de-thaw his head, like in the bottom of hell.
00:58and have him bark orders.You know, he's going to come out of...You're doing it wrong.You got to connect that fucking inverter.That inverter is upside down.Why, in my day?And then freeze, instant freeze.As soon as it starts with the lectures.
01:13Yeah, we grew up finding Transformers when I was a kid.Sure you did.They'll go like demolition man.Back on ice.Where they belong.Rotate through them.Have a big crop of their heads sticking out of the ground.Yeah, isn't it crazy?
01:30How crazy how we have this fucking fire and they're like, don't use electricity.An ammonia factory fire. Why the fuck is there an ammonia factory downtown?You're telling me there's bad...I thought if we sent all the bad making shit to China, India.You'd think, right?An ammonia factory downtown?Who's responsible for this?It's like every couple of years when someone's making, what is it, like a...
01:55Like wax from weed shit?Yeah.And they're doing too much butane extraction.in like a small enclosed building in downtownand just fucking blows up.Whoops. Yeah.It's like, well.Thanks, dude.
02:07Another day in downtown, I guess.Why does it, why did anyone need wax?Why can't they just smoke weed like normal?Like, alcoholics, we just drink a beer.We don't have like a, we're not making like an alcoholic wax.It's from when you run out of crack, dude.Yeah.It's a gateway to crack.
02:23Maybe weed really is a gateway drug.It's certainly doing gateway tendencies.Crack-like tendencies.weed heads areIf you have to pull out the blow torchAnd fucking heat up a spoonGet your fix, manProbably
02:37Something wrong with what you're doing.Probably doing too much of that shitGo to the barAnd see guysFucking free basingA teaspoon of alcoholThat'd be coolNo, would not be
02:47CoolWhat else could you take apartYou know?They tried to do that with mixologistsYou knowThey tried to get some gatewayCrack behaviorFor alcoholics with mixology
02:57And we saidFuck noNoGet out.Hang them.Get rid of these fucking, send them back to steampunk times.That's a word I haven't heard in a while.Mixology?
03:08Oh, man.Man, that was a dark time.That is a dark time.I don't know whose call that was, but it was a bad one.That's a, uh...Because then it's like, I'm not a bartender.I'm a fucking mixologist, and it's like, okay, cool.You're an asshole who mix sugary liquids together.
03:26You take forever to make drinks.That's what it should we call.And then you complain that.I ordered it too.Like, fuck you.Yeah.Don't say that you make all these complex drinks if you don't want to make them.Is it...
03:38Did you have a nice Juneteenth?I did.Is that air on?It is on.God damn it.I'm going to fucking lose it again.I'm going to fucking lose it again.I think I can do whatever I want today because it's Father's Day.
03:52Right.Happy Internet Father's Day as well to me from all of you.You're welcome.See, I was going to bring you a father.Father's Day card since you're my buddy Danny's your Donnie's dad.Yeah.But then.Oh, that's shit.
04:06Yeah.You get my wife of Mother's Day card, but nothing for me.Well, and that's the true Father's Day card is nothing.No one ever gets that shirt.You can take this shirt.Let me get that shirt right now.Subscribers only and I'll take this.You're zoomed in so they can't see your nips.
04:21Oh, then what's the point?You don't want the public to see your nips.Right.That's why I was like, man, we're moving to, switching over to Rumblepremium now. It's got a fucking map of whereto deploy the charges on your nipsto self-destruct button.Yeah. It actually spells out
04:37blood and knuckles across my chest.This is the unlock.This is the mapto the self-destruct button. This isthe code. You got to turn both nips.It's two knobs so you can tune inTokyo. Hey man, when doeswhy do doctors, I think
04:56house, like fucked up doctors' brainsor something or I don't know whybut they all, I've got to aa lot of doctors.There's always something wrong with me.For real.And they send me to more and more doctors,and then I just quit, you know?
05:11And then I just, that's why I get,I get invoices for all the time.Just next, you know how many times I've seenthis is your last notice?The next one's going to collections.Yeah.Maybe probably more than anyone.More than anyone who isn't broke.
05:25Right?Probably more than anyone with money.I've seen, I've seen the next one's going to collectionsprobably more than anybody.Every bill I've ever paid has had the collections notice on it.Make them wait on it.I just got another one for my ear doctor.I can't hear of these bills.
05:43Something happened where doctors now,they have to come up with an analogy for everything,but they're not good at it.Like the dentist told me,my wife made a dental appointment,which I didn't want to do because I know it's going to be something real bad with my teeth.Surprise, surprise.It's going to hit your pockets.
06:00Oh, man.Well, she got dental insurance too, so it's like a mental trick.So now I feel like I have to go because I don't want to waste it.I got to come up, I got to find more problems with my teeth than I'm spending on the dental insurance.Which is why I don't want life insurance.I'm like, I got to die.I got to die before I'm 65 or all this money's wasted.They really do that, huh?
06:22My wife's my mom's are usually your life insurance.I'm like, wait a minute.Wait a minute.I said, that's nice.Wait a minute.Wait, just a minute.Just a minute.My mom didn't say that.
06:34What's going?on here? What's happening here? Just a minute. On Father's Day, she said this? One second.Hold on the, hold the phone. Hold the phone. I'm gonna call her right now. Man. I'm just gonna have a talk. I'm just gonna talk to her.Packed a car. Someone's going on a drive. Somewhere in that chain.What exactly was said. Tell me exactly what was said. I'm about to crash.more out on everybody on this Father's Day.I'm going to have two beers and if this text convo,I'm texting you both right now to get the story.
07:15And if these stories don't match, there's going to be hell to pay.I'm having two thinking beers.I've got some agents.I've deployed some agents in my thinking.I've deployed some liquor agents in my thinking,like my cloud, like my clawed interface.I'm deploying some working agents to come up with a plan.while I drink the rest of this beer.
07:37I've deployed some simultaneous agents.I just realized me putting things into the cloudis just that brain fog I've had forever.I'm dumping some agents into the cloudso I can think about this while I watched Rick and Morty.That's my new euphemism for taking a shit.I'm going to deploy some agents into the cloud.Into the matrix.
08:00Fuck.Did you have a nice Juneteenth?Did you do any work?You're not supposed to work on.Juneteenth. I did work on Juneteen.And you fucked, you fucked black people, right?And they're very disrespectfully.What if I made a deep fried funnel cake, though?
08:13That's part of work.You like funnel cake? I do like funnel cake.They, they like funnel cake, I mean.Oh.It's got pineapples in it or something?Kool-Aid soaked funnel cake?Kool-Aid funnel cake?Man,
08:26Kool-Aid-soaked job applications?Here's my, here's my job application.You'll notice that it's also delinealienable.delicious?It's a fruit roll-up.That's right.Grapefruit roll-up.Foss.
08:45Slash job applicationMcDonald's.If they put job application,because you know how they used to havethe temporary tattoos one?You could do like the tongue tattooor it's like you stick the star on your tongue?You do a tongue tattoo?
08:57Yeah,what kind of star?Just like a...Hold the phone.It was a six-pointed one, of course.But,um...And there was,
09:08Three little sixes that came on that you could put on your forehead, too.Only three of them.What were you saying about something?Job applications.Oh, no.No, but in honor of Juneteenth, I did some deep frying.That's cool.It is cool.
09:24Man, did I tell you about the last time I grilled?Oh, I made some juicy.I made some juicy fucking burgers.Did I tell you about this one?No, tell me.Oh, baby.And I'm cooking for three now.man my son eats like a motherfucker dude he's just like gobbling up
09:41dude remember when he wouldn'the ate his dinner last nightand then I had a little taco afterwardsmotherfucker walked over and started grabbing my tacoI'm like get the fuck out of hereyeah he should at least buy you dinner first rightbefore you fuck me like thisget out of here
09:59a little taco touchyou fed half your taco to the dog N-wordI call him N-wordsometimesN word sisterJust ANot hard RI would never call my son
10:10Hard RNward NortonYeahPeople say you shouldn't sayYou shouldn't say thingsThat you don't want him to repeatI saidWhy would I not want him to repeat that
10:18I said he heard it at schoolHe heard it on TVHe heard it at schoolFrom the teacherHe heard it at schoolHe heard it on TVOh what were you watchingA Klan rally
10:30PresentingThat's what I'll sayYou know, like a subvert their expectations.I'm having a really good day today.Yeah!Welcome to Dick.You want Dick, you need, Dick.You love Dick.
10:56You got it.It's the show where everything's a contest coming to live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure.I'm your host, Dick Masterson, aka the $20 million man.Joining me is Johnny the audio engineer.How's it going, man?With some hot funnel cake.Dude, hot funnel cake and hot peppers, too, man.peppers and a funnel cake
11:15not in the funnel cake because I hate spicy breaddudehate itfuckingI didn't realize thisbut man we're getting oldoh yeahfucking
11:26dudethe other daylike I mean you'reyou're getting oldI'm oldyou're there yeahbutremember
11:3810 years ago rightI was the king of havingI'd always havelike a Carolina Reaper on hand.Oh yeah, that's right.I made you eat part of one.Yeah, you were the king of peppers.You were going to strangle me.
11:49You were like, don't ever feed me shit that spicy in my house ever again.Ever again.What is wrong with you?Immediate diarrhea.Immediately.Well, so here's...I touched my tongue and just started spraying out of my ass like the Bellagio.Fountains.
12:02Right.And so, you know, classic L.A. staple, right?Tommy's, chili burgers.Yeah.Right?Uh-huh.And so I'm ordering.My girlfriend's never been before.
12:14And she goes, oh, yellow peppers, definitely get those.And I was like, no, no, no, these aren't like pepperchinis.These are those little fucking Greek deals.Yeah.Those are those fucking, those bullshit ones that you're like, ah, that's like, I know what color that is.That's not hot.It's a joke.It's a joke pepper.
12:28It's a fucking joke pepper.Dude, she gets those.I'm like, you know what?Maybe I'm being a bitch, right?I used to eat all these things.I could fucking handle.No matter any amount of spice, I'll eat that with a clear.clear conscience.
12:42Dude, this shit...Not at this age, though.Dude, I took two bitesand I was whistling Dixie, man.Out of your ass.Dude, that shit...I felt like Tom Sawyerby that fucking river whistling it up,
12:53dude.I was like, you gotta befucking kidding you, man.I think I'm dying.Like, who the fuck made this pepper?I hate that pepper shit.I'm talking about peppers.It fucking...
13:05It makes me so bad, dude, but...Historians are going to be like,why the fuck do this generation?Why did the fuck do these peoplesew into peppers.It's ait's the way out ofit's a new form of
13:17sobriety. Oh yeah.You gotta get high in another way.That makes sense. If you can't bring peoplenon-alcoholic beers as a joke,you have to eat peppers as a joke, you know?Yeah, eating peppers,shopping out of each other's trunks,playing with the
13:31Freddie Filet Fingers game, whatever it is,stab fingers game.Oh, oh, oh! Oh, yes!Yes. Oh, I'm good at that game.You're great at that game.Man, you know, I learned about myself last week.I am really afraid of heights.Really?
13:55Like, really, really, really.I didn't know that.Dude, that's a thing, man.I discovered it about 9,000 feet in the airwhile doing thewhile doing the gayestan activity that I now despiseDo you zip lines somewhere?
14:14No, I thought I was fine.Like, I've done it, I went on a family trip.I was gone for a week.I went on a family trip.I mean, my family went to Jackson Hole.What a name.Wyoming.I know, nobody makes any jokes about it either.
14:29Really?Yeah.It's literally Jacks on hole, dude.Like, what do it's?I thought there would be like a guy bent overand his asshole. Right. And that would be likea popular restaurant or something. Jackson'shole, you know? Jackson's hole. Like, look, there he is.
14:42There is. Jackson right there.Town mascot. Like Schitt's Creek.You know?You can't put hole in a name and nothave some sort of asshole joke.It was, man, beautiful.The whole time, I walkedoff the plane.
14:59Security guys giving me ahowdy. Everybody's nice.And I thought, I'd turn my wifeI said, we cannot tell you know who about this, but I said, we cannot let word get out.This place will turn into Carnival Cruise overnight.You know, we have to, we got to figure out some way to keep this place safe, like Greenland, Iceland kind of thing, you know.But it was absolutely beautiful.And they were having some kind of an eating contest there.
15:29So all the contestants were either flying in, a women.eating contest they were havingthe women were hugely fathugely fatit was summer thereand I think they werethey were stocking up foran ice age they were eating to
15:51keep their reserves high for the next ice ageI think were you 9,000 feet upas the only way to spectate this eventJesus man I never found out where the event wasI just assumed it based on thethe women that were walking around therehugely disgusting fat women therewhich isn't going to help
16:10with my first problem which I just talked aboutright we go to a rodeothis fucking pisses me thisfucking piss me offwe went to a rodeoand the guy's doing his rodeo schickof likehey
16:28who's here's from likeRhode Island and peoplego like yeahwho's here's from Californiaand I'm like yeahfuck yeahAnd he goes, welcome to America.And everyone's like, oh,
16:43right?I said, okay.And then he goes,we're Wyoming.We're the,we're the equality state.The first state to let women vote.And the first state that has a woman governor,
16:58and I'm like, what the fuck was that,Welcome to California.F?Yeah.Yeah.Really?Welcome to America?The equality state?
17:08Oh, okay.Okay.Slur, slur, slur, slur, slur.And then they had a...Then they had a little mini parade for the military.And they marched out, like, six fat secretaries, veterans.Six women.Here's Lieutenant Colonel, Mary...
17:27Some fat bitch comes walking out.Like, is this...Are you sure?Is this America?What do you think it is in L.A.?What do you think California is?When you say, welcome to America,What do you mean?
17:41Am I looking at America?This parade of pigs?This parade of army pigs?It's the Bay of Pigs, dude.The Bay of Pigs?Waddling out here?Getting applause?And everyone, will all the veterans in the audience, please stand up and I'm just seething, you know?
18:00You sons of...This was before Trump turned on Israel.So I'm just sitting there going, I hope you fucking die in Iran.You fucking fat people.of shit.Get rid of this fucking guy first, right?Welcome to America, where we love womenand equality above all else.
18:23Where the fuck do you guys get off?It's really just like, as long as somebody isgayer than you, then you're the straightest personin the world. Is that how it is here?Because what I'm seeing, what I'm seeing is a lot ofprogressively gay shit. That's what I'm saying.Not as bad as L.A.,Because, yeah, in California, we're the first, you know, black trans-disabled Muslim governor.
18:48You guys are way better.Whoa, just, just way fucking better.This is way more based.Yeah, no matter where you go, it's always the same shit, man.It's everywhere these days.It's unavoidable.I couldn't believe what I was hearing.Welcome to America.
19:07Queers.Okay.What do you guys do here?Well, we value, we, uh, we love women.Poo, man.I'll go back to California.First day with mandatory pegging.Okay.
19:22That's America.I'll go back to California and tell them how to butch up so we can respect women as much as you guys do here in Wyoming.Fuck.And be as fat as you are here in fucking Wyoming, too.You sure it just wasn't a wild buffalo herd?There was a buffalo sitting at a restaurant.And I said, that is a fucking buffalowearing a wig and lipstick.
19:46And no one believe me.My family said, you're crazy.That's a woman.I said, that's a fucking buffalo.I know a buffalo wearing a wig and lipstickwhen I see ones.I went over and ripped off the wig.And you know what?
19:59It was a woman.Like, you don't have wings.Come on.They got this thing on here pretty tight.And she went, lay off me.I'm starving.You scalp a woman in a restaurant?How are you so fucking proud of everybody's clapping, applauding the equality state?
20:23Like, man, fuck you idiots.How do you think it started?How do you think it starts?How the fuck do you think it starts?To me, it just comes off like, you know, when you're a kid and you go on a field tripand they only give you like the very like, okay, you're going to see all this cool shit at the aquarium,but we'll tell you probably like three facts you'll want to learn.Yeah.
20:45Of all of it.Because it's like there's so much cooler shit,but they just dumb it the fuck down and start like,we'll make sure you learn the most basic elementary.It feels like that.And this is water.What you see all around you is water.We don't know quite where it comes from.
20:59It's just so.But that's where the fish live.Fucking like, man,there's so much more to this.And you're giving us that like,fuck, it's only going to get dumber from here.Welcome to America.I mean, fuck you.
21:10Welcome to MexicoDude, I got welcome to MexicoThis weekend too, manFuckingYeahMade the mistakeI don't give a fuck about sportsAt all
21:21And soYou knowLooking somewhere to eat yesterdayTake my girlTo this great Mexican placeYeahClassic fucking salsa and beerRight
21:31YeahSalsa and bad decisionsIf you are in the knowYeahAndI found where every Mexican isOh yeahThat's fucking solid.
21:41Slok them in.Send ice.Dude.Send nice over there.Standing room only wasn't even like, we had to eat like fucking.You can't tell when they're sitting down.Well, that too, yeah.They're the same height standing up or sitting down.
21:57God, these rodeo, these bitches at the rodeo.Just disgusting.I didn't know they made pants in this shape.Jeans in the shape that some of them were in.But I guess maybe they bust them in like a catcher's mitt, right?They get these fat bitches shaped like bowling.pins, get a new pair of jeans, and theysoak them in salt water or something, and then put
22:14them in the oven. They use those marble, the spinningmarble fountains.They stretch fit themover. I didnotice they had that corporate sculptureand there was somethere was some jeans, there was a pair of jeanson one of them. They're stretching them out. Yeah.
22:30That's why there's the water on them. They're justfucking way off. Everyone thinksit's so the water, or so themarble can stay moving.But really, the water is there to help keep thedenim pliable.So mymy sister says
22:45hey we're doing this thing calledwe're doing a bunch of activitiesyou want to do any?And I said no.He said okay goodand my wife says well what are they?I might want to do them and I said oh here we gobecause we're doing
23:00a via ferataa via ferataI don't like thatjust because it's not in Englishand so you say grandma's going to doyou know, Nana's going to do it too.My wife says, yeah, I'll do it.And I said, what is it?
23:15She goes, it's like a cable, a steel cableon the mountain that you've clipped toand you climb it.You did that.Bro, when I tell you that I'm afraid of heights,I mean like fucking catatonic,like Indiana Jones and snakes,afraid of heights.
23:34Like, I'm having a fucking panic attack on this thing.So I said, oh, Nana's going to do it?my wife says yeah i'll do itshe wants to get away fromyou know the baby forshe'll do anything to get away from the baby for two hoursoh uh take over throwcuba yeah i'm i'm game
23:52sureanswer the sphinx's riddleyeah sign me upabsolutelygoing to deep space suresure what else you got i'm like oh honeytalk her out of ityou know it's deep space pretty dangerous
24:07lots of radiationyou know, I don't want toI don't want to watch the baby for that long.Isn't there something else?Do you sure you want to do that?So she goes, Via Friada, I'm in.I said, well, I'm in too then.Obviously, I don't want to stay home and babysit for four hours.
24:25And I don't want, like, you know,I don't want there to be some kind of big swinging dicktour guidehappens to have a thing formarried women who just had a kidlike well I don't wantI can't have my wife see me thisemasculated that I'm not going to go on this
24:49dea ferrata thing this is aI need to representwell there's that and if you don't gothen they're going to be like well we went and you didn't goand you didn't go so you're a bitchI don't want to lose my is atyou will hear about it forever.
25:05Yeah, that is what I was thinking.I'm going to hear that I'm a bitch.When we were kids,when we were kids, one of my cousins, the oldest one,he started smoking.And we all went on a hike, all the kids.We got like eight or nine boys, cousins.We all went on a hike and he had to quit halfway
25:23because it was emphysema.I mean, I don't know.Still, to this day, I don't know why.He must have been smoking a lot.But ever since then we called him halfway,and then his name.Right.That's how we prefer.
25:36Like, that's just to become his name.So I didn't want to get...Yeah, right.You know, become a bitch.You don't want to get plac'd as somethingyou'll never be able to live down.You can't go back in time.Boy, howdy.
25:50Boy, howdy, Johnny.Guess what?So we go on this stupid...We go on this stupid thing.It's at the top of the Grand Teton.whatever name yeah yeah they don't have any jokes about that either umhe strap in and i'm like a little bit nervous because i know i know i'm like i don't like ithought i was just kind of like avoidant of heights like i didn't think it was a big deal
26:24because i've gone i've gone on sky bridges and i'm fucking bouncing around i've flown like littlesessna planes i've flown i've flown a lot and it's never been a big dealbut manstrapped inwe get thereand our guide comes outflaming homosexualsI'm like ah fuck
26:42alrightI could havethis isI could have notcome to thisthis guy's gotyou know this guy's no threatnow I'm gay
26:50for being on thisI'm gayerfor having done thisand it didn't occur to meat the timebut manwhen a flaming homosexualsfucking bouncing up
26:58around the mountainlike a billy goatand you're hugging itlike uhLike you haven't seen land in 10 yearsAnd floating adrift at seaIt's even more masculatingSo we start to climb
27:15And it's these like rungsThese like wrought iron ewesThat have been like staplesThey look like a staple that's been half stapledInto the mountain like an oversized stapleAnd they got all kinds of fat bitchesKids are screaming up this thingAnd you have these cables
27:34on your belt and you clip them in and then you get to the next piton that's stuck into themountain and you clip them clip them in above that and i'm doing the math in my head and i'm like well waita minute this isn't really this it seems safe but if you if you fall you're going 10 feet downyou're going 10 feet down and hammering your head or whatever into the mountain i'm like okaydon't don't think about that just think about being hung over don't think about thatI'm up like five of these rungsand I can feel myselfto start freaking out, right?
28:15Oh, and right before my mom's like,oh, I'm not going, I was never going on that thing.That was just, we were just bullshitting.He said, oh, okay.All right.I'm like three rungs up.I can feel my, like, okay, okay,you just, you know, your grip starts to, like,
28:34get real so tight you can't feel your hands.I'm like, what the fuck?fuck is happening my hand.Is this? And then I'm just like looking at my handgoing, it's just going to let go at any moment.At any moment it's just going to pop off.So I'm like, I saw pictures afterwards.Everyone else seems like nice and natural and they're climbing
28:51up these things, but I'm likehugging tightly against it.Like, I'm giving it a pole dance, right?And I'm so much, like, just fatter.I'm so much fatter than everyone in our party.So I get to the top.I'm like, who, okay.The rest is going to be.
29:08be smooth sailing, right? This is for tourists. So I thought it must be just like, you know,clip, clip walking along clip. Oh, look at the view. Wow, cool. I said, okay, so we're, you know,we're going, you know, that way. And the guy goes, no, no, we're going right there.He points up and it's like, straight up, another one of those ladders, about five times higher.Like, growing up that. And he goes, no, we're going up that one. And it's like, straight up.comes backwhat the fuck is going onI felt like I was in crazy town
29:47nobody's reacting to it any kind of wayI'm already on the beginner rundoubled over likeare you okayI'm totally finetotally fine just hung overshe goes he's just hung overdon't pay any attention to him
30:05just gonna die out in ass and his holehe's an idiotso we like walk overbecause yes, here it is.And I'm thinking in my mind, I'm thinking, quit.Do not try to just quit.Walk back, walk back home, climb down the ladder.And I'm waiting for somebody else to suggest this.
30:27Like, okay, somebody's going to quit.It's insane, right?But nobody did.So he climbed up it.And there's like spots where, there's spots where the state.Staples not there and you have to climb with the rock.And you know how much I hate mountain climbers.Yeah, mountain climbing.
30:48So you're like climbing up in the stupid clip keeps getting like the slack keeps getting caught and stuff.I don't know why no one else is, is, I don't know why any of this isn't happening to everyone else.Like the clip's getting caught.So I have to like backtrack.Fuck, man.It's just horrible.and I hearthat wasn't even the worst part
31:12the worst part iseveryone goes in front of meand I hear my fucking wifeand the homosexualjust talking aboutthe most inaneshitwhere's the best place for shopping
31:31oh I'm a teacher stuffso umand I swear to Godthat my arm tendonis about to breakthe whole,every singlefucking time, like, oh God, I can feel it unraveling.
31:51And I have the drill of my wife and a flaming homosexualpounding into the side of my head the whole time.So I finally get to the top and like, and just sprawl out.Just like lay down.And they're like, all right, everybody's done.Ready to go?I'm like, you guys haven't.No, you guys haven't got.
32:12I didn't get to break at all.You guys have been up here for like an hour.I need like a.a little bit of rest.My wife goes,hold still, don't move.There's no chance of me moving.Don't worry about it.
32:30The guy's fucking stands right at the top, too.When you're climbing up and over.So I'm like, trying to get over the top.It's fucking wieners right there.Can't you just fucking step back?She goes, hold it right there.And I'm like, what is your problem?She goes, I'm taking a picture.
32:48You look exactly like Arthur in Red Dead.two when he diesbecause of the waythe mountains lookand I saidoh I triedand she goes whatand I said how you fucking bitch
33:04didn't get the referencestupidtook the picture and it's likejust the way the harnesses arefit to you makes you look extremely fatdude and they fucking hurt toothey hurt your fucking nutsthe whole time my fucking nuts
33:26are getting shoved back into like the pinball machine thingwhere your nuts goyou know when you're getting a shitty handjobyour nuts get popped back in the slotthe whole fucking timeand the girl they didn't give any glovesI asked for gloves at the beginningand the girl gave me a look like I'd be gay
33:45if I used them she goes well we have glovesand I said don't say no more that the look wasthe look was enoughit looked like a fuckinglike a out of work plumberwith the fucking harnessesthey put you in.I hate those guys.
34:01I hate the nut harnesses.I don't know what the deal is with those.They're not comfortable.Make a mesh or something.You either walk around like a fucking Japanese Tanoukior you fucking likeyou got that shit up in your rib cage, man.It's like there's nothing.
34:16Make them nut friendly.Who designed these things?The same guy that made tampons probably.They fucking suck.Same guy who thought you could take a bike on the road.So my wife takes my pictureand then goes back to talking aboutfucking shopping with the homosexual.
34:30That woulddo my head. That was the worst part. Because I'mlike, I'm thinking I'm gonna, I probablywould die. If I, they couldfall, all these bitchesand my nephew,they could fall, be fine.Just bounce off, you know,
34:46like nothing. But I'm like,I'm rocking like 200,fucking 30 pounds. If I falloff, there's going to be chunks missingof me and the mountain.It's going to be a perfect impression of you in theside of them out. I'm like a cartoon character.I'm doing the fucking math in my head. If I
35:01fall off of this thing, I'm not making it.It's not going to be so funny then.You're going to be living in a van down by the river,you bitch. You have to move back with Maddoxand his fucking gummy bears.Maddox is going to raise my son. That's what I'm thinking.Oh, God. This sucks.Why did I do this? Why am I so afraid of hides?
35:20Well, because you knowwhat happens. Like,Yeah, they're stupid. They don't know anything.Pre-internet?I'm doing advanced calculus in my headRightNo, pre-internetYou'd see like those guys on the gliders
35:33With like the lawnmower motors and shitYou're like oh cool he's gliding aroundLike that looks like funOr you see paraglidersExactly pre-internetExactly rightOnce you see all the videosAre these people fucking dying
35:43Because like oh a half a breezeCame and bent the fucking PVCFucking fucking pieYou know what happened that morningThat fucking bitch got thrown off the riverWith no bungee cordThat's thrown off the bridgeWell yeah
35:53So that wouldYeahit's shit like that man the more you see that it's like because when you think about itand you don't see it and you're like oh plane crash like that's crazy and then the morevideos of plane crashes we've been seeing nonstop it's like Jesus Christ like I trust myself topilot a plane yeah I don't trust myself to hold onto a ladder because I want to die that's theproblem I'm like man all you got to do is hold on the ladder and then I'm like but I want to beI wish I was dead oh god oh god oh god please don't like a please don't think that
36:24Get out of my head.Dude, I remember my first time climbing a billboard.I got halfway up and just froze.It was like, damn.I'm not like, if you fall, you're fucked.I couldn't do that.I guess.I didn't know that.
36:38Dude.I'm not made of...I don't want to climb any billboards.It's not fun.I'm not made of starters.You climbed up a billboard with no...Dude, it's terrifying.It's fucking...
36:47That shit...Every single time is not fun.What did you do up there?Jacked off?Yeah.Hey, everybody.Check this out.Check this out.
36:57Dos, dos, dos abogados.Here's the new chick filet ad.Yeah.Quit pulling your pork.Have some chicken.It's a live guy.Yeah.People like, honey, that's just a mannequin out there.
37:08Yeah, there's no way.It's not a real guy cranking his dick.24 hours a day.Doing a beat him and eat him cosplay from Atari.So then this fucking guy, and I say the EF slur in my head when he's talking, you know,but not out loud.My sister goes, what's the most out of shape person?person you've had up the amount.
37:33I was like, oh, you fucking bitch.And he goes, well, today's the first day.So, of the season.So I guess just your brother.I was like,I wasn't even pissed because I just think,wait, it's the first day. That means these stupidstaples have been fucking frozen
37:50for eight months.Nobody's tested them yet.Fuck.And the gay guy.I screamed for help one time.Because I got my thing caught.on a, I got my thing caught on one of the,one of the changeovers when you move your fucking,
38:06and these things are like,they're Chinese,they don't fucking work right.There's a catch in it every time,like,and they're the joke ones that you get,um,at the,
38:15like the N-Cap aisle and like the impulse bisection next to the candy.They're not like the,like you need the industrial strength.I need the good stuff.Yeah,don't give me a thin blue,an adidized fucking care of your dickheads.Green one with a key chain on it.
38:29Yeah, my head a togupee on itI'm like, this isn'tThis can't be a realThat's no fucking togepie on these thingsWhy is it stamped DeVault in the sideI got my thing caught onOh helloHi
38:50I got my thing caught on theA mohawkA changeoverYeah his hairstyle's greatYeah, his hairstyle's awesomeHe can be he can look really niceLike a job interview guyOr can be a little punk
39:03he's a bad dude manhe's a bad enough dudebahI got my thing caughton one of the changeoversthere's a pitona spike into the mountainwhere they join the cables
39:19and that's what you have tounclip onecarabiner over and then do the second oneright you have to do that all fucking daylike the emphasisI can say thatbecause I'm racistRight.
39:33Yeah.My people can say that.Racists.So I went over.The next one in it,like one of the carabiners,because they're janky.That's because they're janky.
39:49It fell back and like turned and got locked in.So I climbed all the way 10 feet up to another one.And I'm like, uh-oh.I feel some kind of looseness and I turned back.And it was one of the ones with no staples in it.So it was just rock, right?I'm hugging it, like I'm banging a fat woman, you know?And I'm like, uh-oh, I got to slide back.
40:11I got to go back somehow.And I didn't know I couldn't turn around to see my footbecause I'm fucking terrified.I could have easily pushed up and just looked,looking back at it.But at the time, you don't think,I don't think that because of the terror.Right.
40:25I imagine it's how most people view public speaking.Like, and I just don't.Like, I just don't feel anything.But then,I'm like, I feel everything all at once.I'm feeling 45 years of emotionsin an hour and a half.So I said,
40:42help.And my wife takes a breakfrom her shopping conversationwith the homosexuals.She's like, oh, I think he needs help.My sister interrupts my wife and the homosexuals.I think he needs help.And I hear from the top, he's fine.
40:57Like, oh my God, I'm gonna,I'm gonna, I can give you AIDSwhen I get to the top of this,you fucking,You fucking son of a bitch.So then I rest up.I pick myself up a little bit from my slumber.The guy goes, well, we could, so we got two options.
41:16We could either go home right now.We could just walk down the trail and go home.Or we could do another one that's a little bit shorter than this one, but it's harder.And I get this fucking look for, and I three, I see my sister and her son and my wife justturn to look at me.And I'm lying in the position like Arthurthat I've already been photographedas dead.
41:50It's looking at the little boy's face,you know, my nephew,and he's having the time of his fucking life.Like he's, him and the guy are talking about this.Like, it's his future as in climbing.It's like, I've never seen someone take to the mountain like this.can see it in his face.Like, man.
42:14All right.Let's do, obviously we've got to do the next.Obviously, we've got to do the other one.But now everybody knows that I'm terrified.Yeah.And like, panicking.So they're kicking rocks at me the whole time.Assholes.
42:34Just being assholes.I would never do that to them.Yeah, never at once.You know?No, the next day my white, we're out on a hike and there's all these signs posted like,beware of bears.They'll rape you.They'll kill you.
42:45There's bears all around hereAnd she's freaking outI'm likeI don't care aboutBecause I wouldFight a bearPut it in a headlockYou know
42:53Because I would throwI would pick up somethingI have such a devastatingThrowing armYou actually really doI have aI canI can throw someone out at home plate
43:06From fucking deepDeep left fieldDude I watched youGet a fucking squirrelOff your tree with a loquotA mushy one tooYou said get out of hereYou fucking squirrel
43:16And that thingFuckingI'm like honeyIf a bearI'm not telling her thisI'm like if a bear showed upThe bear wouldn't evenUnderstand
43:24It would just be deadI would throw aA stickRight through his eyeI sock itThat'd be a sickLike a250 feet out
43:36You knowI would rookie of the yearHis assHe would hearAnd then he would be deadHe would just hear itKhrikor he would be severely injured
43:46he would wake up in another timesay I just heard thissoundI saw this guy I was going to killand his nagging wifeI heard asound and he wouldso I'm laughing at her
43:58I'm making fun of herbecause of the bearsand she goes I would neverI would never make fun of youI'm like you fucking took a picture of melooking fat as hellbecause you said it looked likedead Arthur from Red Dead 2
44:10and she's freaking outJust like, be quiet, the bears will hear.Like, I want the bears to hear.The bears just are scared because they don't want to know.The bears are scared of this.The bears are scared of loud noises.The bears better be careful.I got a secret beer.
44:29Oh.So we're going on a big hike, right?I can't walk, by the way.Because I got one of these, my life coach gave me this fucking backpack that the baby rides in.Oh.That Donnie rides in.So I pop in the backpack.he's like leaning out the side of the backpack the whole time like a trucker right like he doesn't
44:49he doesn't want to just stare at the back of my man bun so he's leaning out the side the wholefucking time nothing i can do he's like what's up you know women walk by and he's like what's upwhat's up so now i'm permanently fucking back crooked the whole time and if i if i walk aroundthe house like this all day i'm totally fine umI forget why I was saying that.The Bears.Oh, the beer.Oh, the secret beer.
45:27We have a big hike planned, right?When I'm at lunch, I get a work call or something, and I come back.I'm feeling pretty good about the hike.Feeling good, you know.This is after the death defying when I was doing the preview today.It's worse.It's actually, I deserve more credit because I'm so afraid of it.Everyone else is having the time of their life.
45:47So I come back to lunch, and I see a giant beer at the table.I said, what the fuck is this?She goes, I ordered you an IPA.And I'm like, but we're going on a five-mile hike.How am I going to do that after drinking two IPAs?She goes, there's only one.I'm like, well, obviously I'm going to drink another IPA.There's no such thing as one IPA.
46:07So we go to this hiking trail, the head of it, and there's a giant line.There's a giant line.I'm like, what the fuck is this?We get a knock, knock, knock.Right.It's a park rangerShe goesOh yeah
46:21There's about a 45 minute waitWe do thisWe do this so it feels nice and likePeacefulAnd there's not a lot of people on the trailAnd I said you mean IndiansShe said whatLike never mind
46:33And it's justWe ask you to turn your car offBecause it's like bad for the environmentLike youThis whole likeThis whole national park thingIt's justIt's basically like a car tour
46:45Like everybody goesthey only drive aroundlike they drive drive driveit's just like it encouragesover consumption of drivingthe whole Yellowstone thingwe didn't we didn't go tomy wife you know my family didn't go to
47:04yellowstone because we didn't want to sit in the carfor 12 hoursI mean if you've seen the showthat's probably all you need to know anywayI haven't seen the showI haven't eitheris it about women and respecting womenprobably making them governor
47:17That yellow stuff.I couldn't fucking believe,I'm here.Welcome to America,where we give women the right to vote.Like, oh, yeah,I bet you guys, too.You make them fat as hell, too.
47:27Welcome to America where womencould be as fat as they want.Like, well, in L.A. is a little,you know, we're not as American as here.We hold women to something called a beauty standardand an eating standard.We've got decades of propaganda in that machine out here, baby.Yeah, I didn't know that you guys did this in America.
47:45treating women like garbage disposalswhere they can eat as much as they wantand get his fucking fat.We don't have 12xL lingerieoutside of America like you guys.It's really interesting to seeand really fucking broaden my horizons.They miss the memo.
48:04It's treat women like garbage,not garbage disposals.Yeah.Then they get fat and then start thinkingthey can run the place.Once the sass builds too much,then they get emboldened.Once they get KC masterpiece bold on them, then we're...
48:19I couldn't believe what I see.Welcome to America.Oh, wow.Is this your national animal here?A 600-pound woman?National anthemism.And a fucking veteran husband with a sausage pack on the back of his head?Jesus Christ.
48:35I hate that shit, man.You have diets in America?Because we do.Out in California.I don't know.It's called Everywhere's Goop Kitchen out here.disgusting. It was terrible. It was horrible.Dude, it's crazy because when you're in like fat women territory
48:54like man, last time I was in Florida, I was just trying to enjoymy time. But it's like everywhere you go. It's like, man, the experienceis being vastly marred by these fucking tubs of shit.Tubs, fat tubs of shit. Absolute fucking menaces.We're going to the rodeo and I didn't buy, I didn't buy tickets because I'm justlike, I got other, I'm not paying it.attention toI'm not paying attention to
49:18checks threads I'm sorryyeah the shit I'm doing just buy me ticketsyou knowfuck itso my family said we didn't buy you ticket because you didn'trespond to the text thread I said okay thanksuhI'll just go on Stubhub then my sister goes you can't
49:33I said um I don't know I gave it a shotdude no no listen to me you can'tlike am I in a fucking Seinfeld episodewhat do you mean I can'tthere's no ticketsso of course I go on Stubhubhubimmediately buy a ticket you know noproblem 10 minutes before the thing.
49:48And I'm walking around going, how can you possibly, how could you even estimate how many ticketsare sold here?They're bleachers.And each one of these Fatso locals takes up two and a half seats.Jesus.So how could you know when you're sold out?That's crazy.Seats are cheap, but you have to buy in bulk.
50:08Yeah.Yeah, it's five bucks a seat, but for you, you need at least six of them.And then I'm thinking, oh, man, these black people are.gonna hear this and if they're gonna be hereit's gonna be Carnival Cruiseall over againThat's fuckingIf they hear how fat these women are here
50:24Who baby it's gonna be the amistadIt's gonna be fucking driving into townDude you know what I realizedSoul plane will be flying into town with Tom ArnoldIs fat women either haveSomehow like a moderate amount of moneyOr none at allOh yeah
50:41They're either making like70KThey're either in HRRightOr...That's what it is, yeah.Or they are a W-H-O-R-E.Either HR or HR puff and stuff.
50:56Worst drivers on the fucking planet, too.Oh, dude.30-mile-an-hour speed limit around the whole town.And they all stick to it.Dude, you know what's real crazy was when I worked at McDonald's,there was this lady who was so fat.She'd have to pull...She couldn't roll her window down.
51:15Yeah.She couldn't do that move.Yeah.So she would have to pull forward an open door and reach backwards.Oh.She'd reach out of the car door like that.But I didn't realize it one day until I looked further in.She had to take the seat off and she was sitting on the floor the whole time.
51:31And I was like, dog, you need to.What?I was like.The floor like, that's like Dr. No level flat.Doctor Now.Yeah.It was fucking crazy.I'm like maybe either you, that car is like a hermit crab shell and you just,
51:45like I'm waiting for like an empty cat truck to fucking move into or like I don't know but I was likegod damn but dude some of these fat so's you got to start looking for that dude I didn't knowthat was the thing until it's like damn these bitches are big I don't even know why they getdressed up like I'm seeing him at the rodeo and they obviously got duded up and and some of themare the kind of fat where it's like they put the two cards together wrong where it's like up on topyou're just kind of like a medium fat,but then the bottom is like justa pear.
52:18Yeah.You know, huge.Looking like the squashfrom plants versus zombies over here.Yeah.And a little hat.I'm like, the hat makes you look fatter, by the way.I want to give him a card.
52:31Hey, by the way, that hat makes you look fat.Dude, you know what is?It's those commander pantswith the big sides?Yeah.That's fucking those, dude.That's what it is, yeah.Okay, but I'm back for my trip.
52:43Thank God.I'm back from my fucking wonderful vacation of the baby waking up all night and driving around.Baby doesn't really understand what time change is.We get back.My wife goes, oh, we should go.Like, if you ever, if you say we should go in the next, like, two months, I'm, I can't kill you.because I don't want to take care of the baby by myselfand I'm going to do something.
53:19I'm going to do something.I'm going to turn the air down to like 60 degrees.I'm going to figure it out.Oh yeah, and then the dentist said I have barnacles on my teeth.I'm like, what?What the fuck?I was telling you the doctors are liketrying to make analogies now with everything
53:40to explain it.He goes, yeah, something's fucked up with your tooth.I don't know what it is.probably like plaque underneath it and I said okay and he goes you know it's kind of like barnacleslike there's no don't say barnacles yeah that's a bad word yeah just I don't want barnacles onmy fucking teeth usually when I stub my toe I yell out barnacles I know what plaque is just say thatyou you scrape it off everyone's gonna treat you like you don't know how special their techniquesand shit are and it's like dude you're a fucking dentist man like talk to me like I'm a person
54:14just tell me what it isif I look confusedthen say some stupid shitlike it's some sponge bob shitlike bonnaclesI told my wife she's like that's disgustingI'm looking at you in a whole new waylike well
54:28I didn'tthey're not barnaclesit's just plaquethat guy's an idiothe's an assholehe's an asshole manfuck himfucking asshole
54:39there's not actuallybarnacles on my teethyeah it's not like you're sitting in low tide all the timejust hanging outI shouldn't have said anythingyou can'tyou know what they did they called thethe rodeo clowns
54:56in Americabullfightershe said and here come our bullfightersand a bunch of fucking guys inflack jackets and hatsand wearing clown makeup walk outlike reallythose look like rodeo clowns to me
55:10you're not fucking bullfighters youI want those Spanish bullfighters.Yeah, do they have a cape?It's got to be like the Bugs Bunny cartoon style.You gotta have the cape, the stupid hat,the fucking Seinfeld pirate shirt.I couldn't believe it.That guy pissed me off so much with his...
55:26Welcome to America.Really?You call them bullfighters?It's funny.Dude, you fucking went to Bizarro land.Mmm.Uh-uh-uh.Okay, what else?
55:44what else happenedTrump turned on Israelman that's greatcoolhe's like that guy in Lord of the Ringshe's you know he wakes upthat guy he's like a zombieand then he gets like a spell or something
56:00I don't know what happens in Lord of the Ringsbut that guy gets thrown off tocliffyou know do you remember in Lord of the RingsI vaguely remember it I saw themwhen they all came outthat never watched him againhe's like
56:12uhIsrael's our greatest allyand then somebody throws that wizard off a cliffand then he's like, comes out of itand isn't like a zombie anymoreand he's like, actually I hate Israel.Israel wouldn't even exist without us.Trump said that shit
56:30and I went like McCulley Culkin.Yeah.What?Oh!It's true though.Whoa.Just like, wow.What was his exact quote?
56:54Oh man, just when I'm out.Without, I didn't like the Netanyahu attacked over a very minor drone strike.Their attack was too much.And without the United States, without me, there would be no Israel.My dad said, I thought Israel was our friend.Why are you laughing?I thought Israel was her friend.I'm like, oh, I don't even have time to get it.
57:24into this.What?Our friend, what do you mean?Man.See, what people forget tois like, when it comesto a businessman like that,all he cares about is his money,
57:41man.You know, I really doubted him.I thought he was just,I doubt it.I thought he went to the dark sideand became like Darth Trump.I was at that point,I was like, man, you know what?
57:53Like, this is all stupidbecause you can't count on anyone.You still can't.You can't, but then...He can at least still do funny things.Then he pulled this out.He said this.I'm saying that if other countries have ballistic missiles,
58:07it's a little unfair for Iran to not have them.And I went...It is unfair.It is.It is unfair.Maybe we'll shut these people up.If Iran's got some nuclear missiles pointed right up their ass.Might find peace in the Middle East, man.
58:26Yeah.Oh, baby.He's back.I don't know what did it.He's probably that stupid reflecting pool shit.He's like, fuck this, man.He's probably some Jewish guy that did the pool, fucked him over.He's like, how fuck he's real.
58:41Fuck piss.I don't know.He probably looked at how much it cost.He probably thought about how much it cost.And he's like, you mean I spent this much money on this?Fucking.Son of a bitch.Fuck.
58:53I don't know what happened, man.But I'm back in.this guy.Oh yeah,Trump said,Hamas actuallybehaved pretty well.I saw some big,
59:06like,account with an Israeli flagsaying,I can't believe I'm hearing this.You better believe it.You better start believing it, man.And then the ADL posted,um,
59:23Lindsey Graham says,Israel,quite frankly,oh,President Trump a lot.when you've lost that homosexual,you are fucking toast.If you've lost the gay Israel,
59:34all you have left are the blacks.And we know how the black Israelites are.And that has been,that towel's been wrung dry.Ooh, um,let's see, I got some quotes here.What was the one I was saying?Van says you can't just kill your way
59:54out of every national security problem.You're a country of 9 million people.What's your actual proposal?Damn.Sounds like Nick Fuentes is writing for these guys now.Just waking up out of a fucking slumber.What is fucking going on, man?Hmm.
01:00:20Oh, wait.What am I looking for?So this guy, uh, oh yeah.The Israel Minister of National Security said,for every tier of an Israeli motherthat's a bad start alreadyfor every tier like when youfor every tier of an Israeli mother
01:00:40okayit's very poetic buta little bit of vaginaea little bit of vagina monologues yeaha thousand Lebanese mothers must weepall of Lebanon must burnit's like six million people in Lebanona lot of Christians in Lebanon
01:00:58all of Lebanon must burnYeah I'm like that's a bit extremeOohDo you put that in writingOn Twitter?ManImagineImagine not giving a fuck
01:01:11That muchWith all due respect to the AmericansIsrael must make it clearTo the entire worldThat the blood of our sonsAnd the security of our citizensAre not forfeitAll of Lebanon must burn
01:01:26You repeated yourselfOur supreme duty is to protectthe citizens of Israel and the soldiers of the IDF,and this commitment takes precedence over every other consideration.No, we know. We're getting the message.The boomers don't know, but we do.We get it.I told the prime minister, even in our private meetings,
01:01:43for every tier of an Israeli mother,a thousand Lebanese mothers must be.You said that already.You move the good stuff up to the front.Enough with the ping pong.Enough with the ping pong.That must sound cooler in Hebrew.In the Middle East, you don't win with measured responses and restraint.
01:02:01You need to go berserk to obliterate, to crush the terror.Oh, man, sounding a little bit hysterical there.Yeah, it is pretty funny.Sounding a little bit afraid that you might have gone too far, pissed everyone off.Now it's time for the screeching.And then the ADL comes in with this one.This is well-timed.Let me find it.
01:02:30they're pissed off about goyslop the phrase yeah here it is goyslop let me load this so i can get it rightin typical fashion goyslop oh goyslop there it isthe adl you know they just like to ruin lives you see that kid that got uhsaid he didn't want to work for jewish people or somethingSo the head of Palantir came out and told another guy to dox him.Really crazy stuff.That was fucking crazy.Yeah.
01:03:17And Lord Miles ran a Kickstarter for him.Oh, shit.Got him like 30 grand.You're not much.Pretty good for goys.Pretty good turnout for the goys.Yeah.A slur.
01:03:29There's the ADL says about goyslop.A slur doesn't stop being a slur because teenagers started using it.Today's New York Times on language column treats the anti-Semiticslur goyslop as a funlinguistic curiosityrather than what it is, a term rootedin white supremacist conspiracy theories.Normalizing this kind of language is dangerous.
01:03:54You know, goyslop is not justedgy slang. It combines goy.Here we get a lesson.The Hebrew word that colloquiallyrefers to non-Jews.Don't play that far, yeah. Yeah, you know,R-N word for white people.Oh.
01:04:11Oh, it can, itcombines our N word for youumwith slopto promote a conspiracy theorythat Jewish people deliberately poisonnon-Jews with cheap foodto keep them docile. I don't think that's exactly
01:04:31what it means. Umwell you're losing a little bit of the nuanceyou know. Right.It's kind of just likemanufactured garbagethat's notnecessarily unhealthybut it's empty calories
01:04:52done for profitand it's readily availablewhere the yeahit was coined and spread by anti-Semitesand white supremacistsno amount of teenage adoption changes that originsuch terms spread negative stereotypesand conspiracy theories their normalization
01:05:10is exactly what bigots who coinedto them aspire to be a bit more on this here.You know, I used to bethat I would see stuff like thisand it would be annoyingand I'd be,I would kind of laugh it off.Say like, uh, you know,
01:05:27here they go again.You know, overreacting, throwing a big fit,big tantrum. Same thing withliberals do this shit too. Conservativesdo it too, but they don't really runthe show, so, you know,it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter when they throwa big fit. They can't even outlaw abortion.
01:05:43so who cares.I'm sure they don't want to get,they don't want Jesus getting made fun of either,but they don't control shit.So it doesn't matter when they get upset.But now I see this shit like this.I think since having a kid,it really,
01:05:58it really pisses me off a lot, a lot more.It used to be,it would annoy me,and I would feel condescension.I would,I would feel condescension toward itand derision toward it.but I feel like it's something I could deal with,
01:06:17you know, you just got to speak encoded language,like update your slurs, that kind of thing.But now, I don't really see,I don't really see it as attacking me anymore.I see it going directly after kids,which is what it's always been.Because they're going after,and they're not even hiding it.
01:06:36They're going after teenagers, even in the post.Hey, go, hey, your kids are racist.You got to fuck with your kids' brains.Yeah.And teach them how to be, teach them how to deal with this hyper-reactive,um, violent, international people.Uh, it's, it really, it pisses me off a lot more when I see stuff like this.Yeah.
01:07:08Than it did.Than it did before having a kid.Well, because the thing is is, is, again,We're getting old.I know you're already there, but it's like in the time of just being alive, you see like,as a kid, like, oh, okay, cool.You learn about like Roberto Clemente and like all these people.And then before you know it, you're like, holy shit.
01:07:29Like, it's only going to get worse and worse and worse and worse.Like, you know, what started as this innocent thing.Like, okay, like here's all these people.And then it turns into like, actually now we're going to control all of this.Like you can't think outside of these times.It's like, what the fuck?And we're going to go after your kids.Yeah, and it's only going to get smaller and more narrow-minded and fucking...
01:07:49Because I see the same guy go, well, forever, you know, we got to make Lebanon mothers cry and burn.Everybody in Lebanon must burn.It's the same message.Yeah.It's the same fucking message.If they had slightly more, if the ADL had slightly more leverage, they don't even have leverage to stop people from saying goyslop.And they're acting like it, you know, because they want you to think that theydo. But if they had even slightly more, it would be, well, we got to burn them. We got to kill them.
01:08:19We got to find any American teenagers that are saying goyslop or whatever that are not thinkingthe way, even if they're not like super high up on Israel. We've got to find them. We've got to kill them.We've got to sign them up for the army somehow. We've got to cut their dicks off. We've got to dosomething. It's really pissing me off a lot, a lot more than it ever did.Uh, okay.Let me find what else I got here.But it's fun to say.It's fun to say, dude.
01:08:54It's fun to hear.And it's a great, what are you going to tell people not to say slurs about their own culture, man?Like, come on.Yeah, that's our word.It's reclaiming power, dude.Yeah.We might not have invented it, but if we're the ones that say.We didn't invent reclaiming a word, but we're going to do it.
01:09:10Yeah.We're going to do it now.Stop saying go if you don't want.Stop having words.Stop.labeling us as such if you don't want us to embrace the label.Yeah.You know it's fun to say.
01:09:23You came up with it.Right.It's as cutting as it sounds.Just let us have it.It's racist for you to even bring up.And say don't use it.It's our word.And it's our word.
01:09:37Like retarded, yeah.Yeah.It's our word and it's our word.It's our word.And our word.Let's see.I got another stringy.hair trans.
01:09:49Dude,man,when you fucking...Why is their hair so fucked, man?Dude,because you know what it is?No real womanwill be like,
01:09:57hey, you got to likeget that shitfucking taken care of.Like,a real womanwouldn't go outwith hair that stringy,would they?
01:10:04Real women don't usefucking three and oneshampoo, man.Stringy hair.Yeah.Gee,and it's most of it's missing.too. Is that boogie in a wig?
01:10:20Feelingcute pose.Gilles.Clergy? What?Church of Satan?Maybe it's like aportmanteau ofclogged artery.
01:10:37Clawed artery.New Hampshire's firsttransgender elected representativeStacey Lawtonsentenced to 33 years in prisonforsexual exploitation of childrenOh
01:10:51Fucking thinkHuhWow I guess it could be anybodyIt could be anybodyIt could be anybodyCould have been anybody manComes out of nowhereThat's fucking crazy
01:11:08Say no wayThis person was a pedophileNo fucking wayYeahIt could be shocked man yeahHmmMm mm mm mm mmIt could be anybody
01:11:19You me this personfeeling cutegod damn it's like you seethe fucking how thin the whole dome is and it's like manyou can't beput a wig onma'am put a fucking wig onput a fucking wig on
01:11:38that's crazyor like that one guy that put a girl onthe drag queens got they never look like thisdrag queens don't come out looking likenois this identifying his hairThat's actually offensive to drag queens because they spent a lot of fucking time on that shit, man.They really pack their nuts in, too.
01:11:57You got to stuff them into your asshole like putting quarters in a machine.African and Caribbean nations to officially move forward with seeking reparations for slavery.I don't know if now is the right time, fellas.It was called, we bought all your reggae records.Like, what more do you want?Let's send them some nuclear waste.Just give them Kool-Aid, dude.They already got pineapples.
01:12:30We'll make a deal with their warlordto send them some batteries.Dude, you know what we could do too?Yeah, is show them second life.There's always a hustle on there, man.We'll give you a warlord a couple extra bucks,but all of you have to be gay.You remember those things where it was like a,
01:12:54like you'd get like a,of Africans like send us $5,000and so they'd be like, yeah, if you just hold upthis sign that says like, I'm a huge, oh man.Yeah, that was funny.Staggering number of Berkeley lawstudents claim they're disabled as emotionaldisorders skyrocket.
01:13:13Okay. I don't want a disabledlawyer. Fucking.But what if you're like suing foryou know, getting firedfor not working? Then you do wantlike somebody who knows how towork everysomeone who's just
01:13:28the biggestfucking cock suckerin the whole worldyeah exactlythis istheir trainingthey're trainingto work the system
01:13:36an eye poppingnumber of studentsI don't know abouteye poppingdo you think the law schoolcan call bullshit on itand they have to fuckingI mean I think
01:13:45this is like law school nowlike here we haveall these retarded programsthat you have to get arounduhyou have to say the right thingsand lieYou have to lie about all these things.
01:14:01I was in an Uber recently.Like me and Keanu are going somewhere.And this fucking Uber driver, boomer.I felt bad for him at first.I'm like, man, you shouldn't be driving.It sucks to drive an Uber at your age.Yeah.Whatever.
01:14:19He's talking about how hard it is to get a job.And then his next sentence, he was talking about how his niece isan immigration lawyer and works in Washington, D.C.And he's, like, so proud of her.I'm like, well, that's why you don't have a job, fucking idiot.You dumb fuck.You deserve to be here, you piece of shit.You deserve to be using your feet, like Fred Flintstone.
01:14:44We're driving everyone around a rickshaw.You fucking traitor.You know, I thought he meant he shouldn't have arms like that guy and you drive aroundthe steering wheel.Lop those fucking arms off.Man.I always have that same thought, too.I'm like, I see an old guy or lady driving car.
01:15:01I'm like, that's a bummer.And I'm like, maybe I should tip him a little extra.Then I start hearing about their life.And then I'm like, you shouldn't even be doing this.Yeah, you cause this, you fucking piece of shit.At least don't be proud of it.There's 378 law students in UC Berkeley's disabled students program,approximately a third of enrollment.
01:15:24So Berkeley's got a bunch of lawyers pretending to beretarded?I mean, it is Berkeley.Yeah.Traders.This marks a massive shift from just five years ago when only three percent of grad studentsclaimed a disability.What do you get from being disabled?
01:15:43I want some disabled parking.I'm going to try to get some because of my hypercuses.We're driving around in all these national parks, right?These stupid bitch ranger saying, oh, okay, we got to wait for a spot, you know,because it's so exclusive.The millions of acres, they talk about.all these millions of acresand how important it is to preserve,
01:16:01but it's,number one,it's a car tour,and number two,like,you can't do anything.I don't know what it's being preserved.You can't do a goddamn thing.
01:16:13And all the,the hikes are like,the hikes are basically paved,like at Disneyland.Like,they might as well have fungeners in therestacking,like,
01:16:21rocks for steps.There's no,there's the suggestion of nature.Like,you can look aroundand see,nature, but it's not any more or less than in LA.Like, I can look and see mountains over there, but then I can go to a Walmart parking lot.
01:16:38A parking lot the size of Walmart would do nothing to distract from what ostensibly is agrossly consumptive tourist destination.This is not preserving nature.I don't know if you guys think that, but you're running a shitty Jurassic Park.That's what this is.You've got key chains, you've got stickers.The only thing you don't have is parking.Get your fucking act together.
01:17:03Oh, can you turn your car off because it's bad for the environment?Shut up, you fucking, shut up, bitch.Yeah.Get the bears on this one.Turn your brain off.It's fucking hot.It's hot out here in Jackson's old.It's hot out here, you jackass.
01:17:22She's like, it's bad for us and it's bad for the environment.Like, well, which one is it?Right. It's bad for all things big and small.I hate, I hate park people. I fucking hate park people.I hate park rangers so fucking much.But their attitude, we're conserving nature.You're running a theme park.You're running a theme park for white people.
01:17:47They act like you're at their house.Yeah.And it's like, no, no, no, you sleep up in the fucking wash tower. That's fine.But this ain't your house.You're a bum.Yeah, you're...This isn't your house.You're basically a bum.
01:17:57You're basically fucking homeless.What is it?Their dumb little guard tower?Dude, and it's all the like, well, I'm a ranger.It's like you're fucking like.You're a loser.You're not like some fucking sniper or some shit.You're like a fucking rent a cop basically.
01:18:17Yeah.An antisocial rent a cop.Put a trash can.Put a vending machine on the trail.Like what would that do?Give them more responsibilities.It's not that they can.care about the environment is their job
01:18:38to pick up all the trash. So that's whythey're like, don't do any... Don't, you better notdo any trash. I have to go pick up. Yeah,exactly. It's not that they care about theenvironment, dude. This fuckingstuff here is all trash.This booth that is trash. These cars are trash, yeah.It was so annoying when she said that.
01:18:58Oh, we do it on purpose tomake an exclusive experience.Like, what is you, what are you, Dorcia?What do you mean an exclusive experience?Are you dosing me beforehand?What the fuck?Just because you don't have parking.Just say it.
01:19:11Put in more cement.They just waterboard you for your exclusive experience.They're so big.Millions of acres.Nothing.Sell it all.Put a strip mall here.Fuck you.
01:19:26Well, the stupid thing is if you're going there just to be in the car, it's like, why even go?Yeah.Yeah.You can get the same fucking kind of nature.you just go to any of the canyons out here just going to hikemillions of fucking hiking trails out here i know the first day we had a car tour ididn't know it'd be an all car tour thought it'd be like hiking but it wasn't anddon't had diarrhea all day so hey don't come on i had diarrhea the past 36 years man give
01:19:55him a break you shit through all the diapers all the wet wives i'd have borrow wetwives from this lady like uh and we're not doing we're not doing illusoneThis could be brownstone after thatCritics claim the numbersEvidence of a sham by studentsTo take advantage of woke considerationsBut yeahYeah yeah yeah
01:20:16Let's seePresident Trump said no more Somalians in the U.S.Their country stinksThey contribute nothingYou knowWhere the fuck was this guy for a year?YeahFuck
01:20:31He took a gap yearhe did take a gap yearstupid Hamasfucked with themwe need to havetaco ballsor was taco bowlstaco bowls or was taco bowls
01:20:46that guy backPopeI said I have Pope Fslerwritten but I don't think that's his namePope Leocriticized blanketremigration as a solutionI love that that term has picked up
01:21:01like a blatantlike PCP-CizationUn housedBy the bad guysLike to make deporting sound goodWe're gonna remigrate themI'm gonna use your words
01:21:15You fucking pieces of shitYou know how you loveYou know how you're so proud of your home countryWell, dudeYou can take all the pride you want over thereAs a solution of the migrant crisisIn Europe saying it doesn't respectThe personhood of foreigners
01:21:26Why?Go back to where you came fromPersonhoodYeahThat would implyThat's where he came fromFucking peopleOh, hell
01:21:34many times we don't recognize the reasonswhy these people had to leave their countrieswellbecause they suckput two and two together yeahmany reasonsviolence war conflictoh okay
01:21:54those are all different thingsthis is thesaurus dayat the Vaticanmany reasonsit could be violencecould be killingsCould be maimings.Could be beatings.
01:22:12People who make lists just to make a list,like to make their idea sound more impactful than it is,are con artists.They're like, you know, it could be three different mothers,Mother Nature, Mother Earth, or motherfucking Somalis, you know?Just like...Such a fucking sleazy con artist.So simply saying we'll send them away
01:22:33so we can wash our hands of the problemdoesn't seem like the most Christian response to me.Pope F. Slur.We really need to look at those casesand above all treat people with respect.Who's we?Who the fuck is we?What is the Vatican doing?
01:22:50God, I would love the Vatican to just get rapedwhile I'm alive.I would love to see some terroristssneak in a fucking snookand just wipe it out.That would be so fucking great.Want to see all the gold reserves there, man.Yeah, I want to see the, I want to see what they got hiding.
01:23:10Give us the good shit, you know, I'm tired of like...Show us the leprechauns.Yeah.Show us how you can make clouds underground.Like, come on.Let me see it.Let me see the old machines.They're so greedy.
01:23:23Yeah.Like everybody else is, oh, look at this cool shit.Hey, look at this.We discovered this pyramid.Look at all this shit in the pyramid.But the Vatican's like, we have a bunch of cool shit.We're not showing anybody.We're actually built on top of an upside-down pyramid.
01:23:34that you'll never be able to see.They're such assholes.I wish God would smite them.He needs to.We really need to look at these casesand above all treat people with respectas individuals.Well, they're getting plane tickets.
01:23:54I can respect that.They need to get like a meal service?Plain tickets and then all the flightsthat go missing?Um, okay.What do we got here?Something with Germany.Goyslop, I did that one.
01:24:15They're going to ban the internet for kids.That's crazy.Just ban the internet, man.Let's all go back outside.Dian it for adults.Doesn't just ban the whole shit.Unless you're working on a projectwhere you need to fucking upload files, that's fine.
01:24:33you're working on a project.Yeah.You're not allowed to go on unless you're working on a project.That's it.The whole internet is going to go through Slack.Not even Slack.It's just you get fucking Dropbox and that's the only internet app.Yeah, you can look at files.
01:24:48You can look at files.You can just receive files.That's it.No clever, like, oh, here's a file.No HTML files.Yeah, no.Just like.JPEGs.
01:24:59It's exclusive to like Word.Yeah.Fucking.Powerpoints.Powerpoints.Excel.Yeah.If you can't make it in Microsoft office.
01:25:11No collaborating.Make a copy.Make your own copy.Yeah.Doing it fucking...Get rid of HTTP.We're using it for a reasonnot to just waste our fucking days away.
01:25:25Okay.Oh, it says, woman alert.Woman alert.Woman alertBe a copPoint your gunA woman a cop is a jokeHa ha ha holster gun she shoots you
01:25:44Oh noWhat happened to youSo you got cops screwing around with gunsMm-hmmOh what the hell was thatThis idiot copStanding behind his SUVPulls his gun out and points it
01:26:12at another cop who's driving up.Yeah,you're the,you're,we're in the dash cam of a copdriving up to a bunch of other cops.This fat,stupid cop pulls his gun out,
01:26:24points it at the woman.Big mistake,dumb.And then he puts his gun away.They're all laughing.And then she shoots him.What the fuck was that?Is that her?
01:26:45A police incident.Okay.Cool.Cops gotta have fun too.Yeah, I guess so.What else is there to do in Pasadena, man?Frank the Tankwrote in.
01:27:03I don't know if you remember him.He called in a long time ago.Bonus episode 8.Dusty memory, yeah.Kill himself.Did he buy the shirt?No.Oh, then that's why he wrote in.
01:27:15It was before I had the shirt.He called in because we were going to see who would be the life coach's next protege.That's right.And we had a couple people call in thinking it would be fun.It was fun.But Frank's call was simply, I'm thinking about killing myself and then he was crying.It was a pretty good episode.Not at the time, it was a little shocking, I think, but it was still funny.
01:27:46It was still interesting.And now it takes much more to be shocking on this show.Yeah, seriously.But then that episode where I stole the generator from Dodger Stadium,and my wife said that she took it out of the trunk,I put it in her Uber to steal it.Right.And she said that she took it out, and I went ballistic.
01:28:12And she said she was just kidding.He said he didn't.didn't kill himself because it was a real sappy post.He said that if he could find a woman like that,then there was hope for him.Like, okay, whatever.I was hoping that she wouldn't read that.And then she was like, oh, did you see that guy post about me on Reddit?
01:28:32And I'm like, eh, that was like eight years ago, I think.But he's back.He posted again.He says, not sure if people still remember me,but I'm currently in rehab after a four-year stint of being a,homeless addict.Currently on Suboxone and two and a half months clean.Sorry for that shit show.
01:28:57I don't know who that's to.I wish you the best.Also, getting back into music again.No, don't do that.Get into like spreadsheets.Don't get, don't be in recovery and get into music.Don't, yeah, music will send you right back to being a homeless addict.Yeah.
01:29:14Get into selling knives store to door.Sell them cut cone knives.Get on the Kirby vacuum train.Mm-hmm.You know?Get into like business-oriented things.Mm-hmm.I'll post some demos.
01:29:27Life on the streets of SoCal was hell.Oh, she was a homeless in SoCal?Damn.Wow.You mean I could have accidentally antagonized him?Shit.Sorry.He voted for Nithia Rahman.
01:29:42I saw a homeless guy under my bridge the other day.Yeah.I said,hit a sign that said, I will do anything for a buck.except gay shit.That could have been him.That could have been him, dude.Seems someone stole my cell phone and ID,
01:29:59and you need an ID for a government-issued cell phone.No way.So I had a hard time catching up on the show.It was a tough point where I was at.This girl let me use her phone to call my mom.Life hit me hard, but yeah, can you fill me on what's happening?on your show the last four years. I misslistening to it.
01:30:22You're going to have to just listen to him.Yeah.Sean's gone.I had a kidand Vito and I haven't spokenin a couple years. That's about it.And Super Killer's still not out.Vino died in a house fire.
01:30:38Vito went back to his home planet.He's got two little antenna.I've never noticed the whole time.You think he's...I logged into Discord and I see Vito...What did he say?Let me find the quote exactly.Yeah, he posted this.
01:31:08It was about a convicted sex offendergot a baby boydue to surrogacy,so they paid some woman to have a baby boy for them.Two gay guys.Shouldn't have a surrogate kid.normally shouldn't have a cigarette kidshould be illegal for anybody
01:31:28It's just a weirdI mean of all the things that are illegalThat's among themLike of all the things that are made illegalPaying someone to have a fucking kid for youIsObviously one of themAnd the kind of weirdo who agrees to it
01:31:46YeahSickAnd then when you throw on top of that gay menAnd then when you throw on top of that gay menAnd then when you throw on topof that convicted sex offenderwe're well into theno, we're well into
01:32:00the no category.Shotgun shampoo time.Uh-huh. Vitasays you can't legally prevent sexoffenders from having children, norshould you want to.Why the fuck would I not?These motherfuckers are going to be eating
01:32:17gummy bears and they're subsidizedhousing talking about howsociety should be run.Fucking Lord of the RedLord of Reddit.God damn.You can't legally prevent sex offenders from having children.Sure you can.
01:32:36Kill them.Yeah.There's one.There's one right off the top of my head.Legally kill them.The judge goes, death.I sentence you to death.Because you're a sex offender.
01:32:52Dead.And you're weird for wanting a fucking baby.That's like...Oh, sex offense?Execution.Oh, okay.There you go.Legally prevented.
01:33:04Nor should you want to.I definitely do.I definitely do.Yeah.Want to stop convicted.Maybe.Is this even a real thing?I don't know.
01:33:14There's no way he said this.So that's what's happening for the last four years.Man.What a four years it's been.Yeah.Hope things work out for your music.Frank.Mm-hmm.
01:33:34Fit to fat in two years.Hey, Dick, check this out.All right.Goy Slop.Well, that'll definitely do it, too?This is apparently the same woman who flashed Charlie Kirk.She reappeared in a video by some idiot and said something to discuss blah, blah, blah, blah.Okay, this is the same woman, but two years apart.
01:34:02Oh, she looks hot here.Wow.She's got her Frappuccino.I just blurred out.She showed her nipple to Charlie Kirk.Ugh, stupid bitch.And then this is her two years later.It's just half-hearted. It's like, come on.
01:34:23It's the only thing they know how to do, show their tits.And then here's two years later, the same woman, allegedly.Whoa.Elena Dunham.And she even adopted the fat chick, like, mesh, black mesh tablecloth that they wear.the big topdudefat goth
01:34:48yeah it's those bitcheswho are really into likefucking like the weird sideof like fairies and mysticismand fucking have like a bunch of likedark and maroon colored things everywhereyeah way too much incense and shitand it's like man
01:35:03you're just like a fat bitchwith like 10 cats like you're notwhere do they go to order this outfitit's like in a video gameYou get a certain weight, and then it's just like, it just unlocks fucking all the new parts of the map for you.Yeah.Man, oh man.Even her phone got fatter.
01:35:26That's crazy.Look at this to this.God.It's barely enough time to get her pregnant for these young boys.We'll see, and that's what two years of going to protest to debate rallies will do to you.Yeah, two years of liberal activism.in two picturesboom
01:35:47like I think about itand hearingwhen likeyou know younger peopleare like oh I'm going to go to this likefuckingthis like activism event or whateverand it's just like
01:35:58what a waste of fucking time manyeahlike I hate hearing about politics out of wildlike I'm not going to go seek outgoing to a politicalwell especially for womenbecause you're going to stress yourself outand then you're going to eat
01:36:13That's why, that is why, that's why women who get into politics are so fat.Because they, there's always something to be stressed about.Nothing ever works like you wanted to, never.And then they just get neurotic and they have to eat it away.These bitches are all turning into Kathy comics, dude.Yeah, it should be illegal.Along with gay, convicted child molesters having a surrogate baby.Those two things are.
01:36:43Equally bad.Women getting into politics.Because this is the kind of woman who does the surrogacy because she's like, oh yeah.I'm at these two nice sex offenders.Is that Vito thing real?Somebody tell me if that's real.It's very own brand.It is on brand.
01:37:05Somebody tell me if that's real.I don't think it's real.Why would he say that?Why would it such a nice guy?I already say something like that.Why would you want to be?be on the internet.Why was such a polite and well-meaning
01:37:17and well-intentioned young man?What are they talking about in here?They're talking about frogtony, always in there.Okay, fit to fat.Thanks.Thanks for that.That's such a crazy.Yeah.
01:37:32And then, you know what these diet pill companies do?If they post them in the reverse order,and they're like, you take this magic pill,you're going to go from looking like this fat cowto fucking being a bitch.Showing her tips off.They're looking like a bitch.Mr. Banks says,
01:37:48fuck that guy.Your baby stories are great.Oh, okay.Thank you.Trio Doug says,talk about Frogtony and Little Movie Purp.Getting raped in federal prison.I saw something about
01:38:01shit.Them getting raped.I guess theysaid they were going to shoot upEthan Man Skyversfor the fans event or something.Or they made some kind of cutejoke that was supposed to
01:38:15make people afraid thatcan somebody give meTrio Doug can you give me the rundown of thatit's funny because I blockedthat little movie perp guy and he melteddown about it that's funny it's a badsign yeah only weirdosreally do that
01:38:34so over fuckinglike again we need to just unplug the internet it's only forsending Microsoft Office filebut like 2003 Microsoft Office.None of this new like shit.Yeah.The one you pay for once and get it forever.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:38:52Perp situation to me, what did he do?What did he do exactly?All right.Exactly.Let's see if that works.Cool.So I saw them arguing about it and Ethan Van Schuyvergot called by the FBI
01:39:06and he said that they were joking,but the FBI, you know, they don't reallyif you get a visit from themthat's like not athere's nojoke around likeyeah there's a lot of government wasteexpenditures but that's like not
01:39:24one of themit's a pretty specific jokethat's a very neat humorI like itit's kindit's kind of likeyou know we're allthere's a lot of government
01:39:37overreach and like tyrannyand we're kind of saving our energyforthe people who weren't asking for it.You know?Like,Count Dancula,doing his dog,
01:39:51making his dog do the Hitler salute with gas,the Jews. Like, that's just like him goofing aroundwith a dog. So when the government goes after him,everybody, like, spends their energy on that.When you have, like, a handful of nobody attention horrorsthat are joking about, like,shooting up a small comic festival,that someone is trying to get off the ground.
01:40:14It's not really,there's a, it's not,principles aren't the only thing in life.There's a opportunity costto spending your energyon F slurs and losers.And it's not worth it.It's just not worth it.
01:40:28When retards get stomped for being retarded,it's actually good.You know,retards are worse than tyranny,than government tyranny,because they're kind of the root causeof all evil.retarded attention
01:40:43retarded attention horsare worse.So it's like rock paper scissors.If the government's going to use tyrannyto wipe out some retarded attention horrors,I unfortunately have to back the governmentbecause I hate retarded attention horrors more.Well, and it's like, you know,
01:41:05in the world we live in these days,you know, post-Columbine, post-posts like all theseother little things.Oh, it's Islam.Yeah.Post-Ferguson, dude.Uh-huh.No one talks about Ferguson anymore.
01:41:17You know that?Okay, Johnny Rocket says,Frogtony threatened to fight people at For the Fans Fest.Is it for the fans' fest?Is it FTF?Or is it for the fans' con?Then Little Movie Purp threatened to shoot up the place and made a song.Can you give me the exact things that they said?
01:41:40Yeah, I'm tired of listening to AI music.Oh, I absolutely despise AI music.Oh, you thought we were done.You thought it was just going to be one, one, one, uh.We are already one.Now we're just doing this for fun.We bringing you curses, hitting in verses.Now you get into verses.
01:42:03All right.All right.All right.We go in our gentle.We're gonna turn this bitch sentimental.Get blood on our shoes.Don't give a fucking surrender.Okay.
01:42:22Well, does it get worse from there?I imagine so.This already started pretty bad.Yeah.There's nothing like hearing the hollow soundof an already, like, inane rap beat.But when it's like that certain AI hollowness, too,I can't fucking.
01:42:41Yeah.The hollowness of AI is very grating.It's very grating.people who really want to get your attentionlike former spurned fansare dangerous. You don't knowwhich you don't know which ones are crazy notbecause they snap. They have like that obsession.
01:42:56Women have to deal with it all the time.Guys just snapping andkilling them. And it's much, much worse when it happensto internet celebrities. Yeah.Much more important.Okay, thanks Johnny Rocket. What is the restof this? Uh, Iraqiobacarisays the Scottish Uno reverse stabbing.
01:43:15Was there more that happened with the stabbing?I don't think soI saw the EUpassed some kind of likeget rid of themthrow them out kind of thingHmmI don't know
01:43:24Okay yesGet me more informationJohnny RocketThat's the showLet's do some voice mealsOhPatreon.com slash the dick showSee you next week
01:43:34I'm backBabyHeyFrog Tony said he wouldFight people at the FestWhen he was told he was bannedFor thatHe's a really angry guy
01:44:09That's a fucking maniac right thereWhen he showed up hereWhen he was on the biggest problemOh yeahHe was fucking pissed that Vito didn't pick him upHe came straight down here and was seethingI was likeUgh, I don't know
01:44:20This is not aMentally unwellYeah this is not aThis is not one of usKind of personYeahUhOkay what the
01:44:32JesusFuck is thisJesusDick I got a rage for youGoogle reviewsNow I hand upthat one-star Google reviewslike it's candy.
01:44:47Cool. If you look at mewrong, I give you a one-starGoogle review.It's great. It's not a problem.It's got some joy.Hundreds, maybe thousandsof one-star Google reviews.He's a one-star man.
01:45:04Never has it benefit me in any way.One-star days, too.Never has a company come back and said, hey,we'll give you a hundred bucks,whatever. JustI've gotten a lot of responses from companies were sorry you felt that way sirsorry you felt that way which means nothingsorry you felt something hey
01:45:27sorry your business burned downin any caseone's not the arsonist called in todayit feels good to write it all outyeahand then on the flip sideI'm actually a quality manager at a factory that does,let's just say a product that goes to wholesale.
01:45:51Team move.Cocksucking.Lose their minds when they get less than a five-star Google review.Hey guys.Wholesale cocks sucking, man.I'm going to hit all of my own customers with one-star Google review.Guys with Cox.For many of the burner accounts I have,
01:46:08just to hurt their feelings.of their cocks.It's the feeling economy.All it isis how people feel.No one is making business decisions.No one is losing moneybased off of Google reviews.
01:46:21All it ispeople trade it.We got off the gold standard.And now all it is...Okay, okay.This guy really likes his one-star reviews.Do you think he works in quality control?Do you think if someone left a one-star review
01:46:38on him, he would fucking lose hisshit. He wouldsnap, dude. He would fucking loseit. What do you mean, one staron me? I'm the quality guy.He can't leave his work at work. Like, he leaveswork and then just does the opposite.Like, he does his job.
01:46:53Dude, yeah.The opposite of his job. He's a workaholic, man.He's a workaholic. He's like a fuckinghealth inspector off duty, man.All right.This is a not so friendly reminder thatyield signs that fucking roundaboutsare not stop signs.
01:47:08Oh, yeah.Yeah.Go with the flow of traffic, retards.Yeah.God, I fucking hate roundabouts.Yeah.People can't do them.People can't do them.
01:47:17Roundabouts are great.It's just the people are fucking...Mm-hmm.Hey, Dick.I got a rage for you.And it's how ungrateful people are.Just absolutely...Cut straight to the point.
01:47:32I pull in, you know, gas station, fill up my car.And I see someone's got their guest kept open.Before they leave,I tell them, hey, you left your gas camp open.They're pissed off.Okay.I don't see how this is my fucking issue that I help you.But then someone goes to pay the register or something, not tonight,
01:47:50but someone goes to pay at the register and they leave their credit card in the thing.And it's beeping and say, hey, you left your card in there.And they go, yeah, I know.I'm like, okay, you're about to walk away.I know.What do you think you got me?I'm going to fight about it?Best case, near you come back and get it.
01:48:07But people are so blind, like their ear,they're, you're blind to that shit.They don't hear the beeping.They're so used to it. They ignore it.And now, I'm callingbecause I pulled into a fucking truckstop off the interstate.And I see this as a fucking semi-truck
01:48:23with a flat fucking tire.Oh, they really don't like that.I get a hold of the guy. I pound on the side of the caband he comes to a fucking window.I'm just down here smoking, whatever. But he comesto a fucking window and he goes, what the fuck do you want?I say, buddy, you got flat tire.you would not believe what this fucking guy said to me.
01:48:43Just nobody appreciates anything.This is a worst road trip I have ever done in my life.People are pissed at me everywhere I go.I fucking hate the East Coast.Wait, what did he say?What did he say?You fucker?Did he say, could you quit fucking knocking?
01:48:57I'm getting my dick sucked by a bum right now?The fuck?What do you?Please don't help.You're helping.Don't help.Yeah, just let him go.No one's ungrateful, dude.
01:49:09Cares.Don't help.Watch them have a bad timeand know that in your heart,if you would have helped them,they would have punished you for it.Let them punish themselvesby you not intervening and helping.
01:49:19Okay, here it is.Frogtony said he would fight people at the fest.He was told he was banned for that.He said he'd go to the parking lot across the street.Okay.Then Perp said he would shoot it upand made that song.All right.
01:49:35So this is the clip.Balder has the clip.All right. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Let's hear it for balder, man.How long is it? This better not be very long. One minute. Okay. I'll do one minute.A validation from your audience.Yeah, bro. I said, nice try, but you know that's a lie. That said, you lick the urinal pipe and wear adult diapers.Who do you think you're clowning? Buddy, buddy. Hey, Ethan, I didn't even mention this because I tried to not really go in on you too hard.but your wife left you, Ethan.
01:50:10You want to talk about looking for validation.No, no, no.He wants to talk about looking for validation from a woman.And I was messaging someone unwanted.You know a lot about being unwanted, don't you, E?Because your wife left with the skydiving instructor.Bro, you want to talk about love lives?You want to be on fucking go there?
01:50:31Come on.This is way too personal.Can we talk about shooting up fan fest?I'm just sayingI'm kiddingdisavowHe saysOh
01:50:42That's whatFor whatWellSwing and a mythYou knowSo you said you'dFight people in the parking lotAnd you want to talk about
01:50:58Shooting up Fan FestWellThe problemIs you mean one of themAll rightAnd you're also ranting about someone's love life in a really aggressive way.The FBI is kind of, maybe the FBI wants to MK ultra them.Like maybe they're looking for someone to actually do a shooting.
01:51:29That's what their job is, right?They find weirdos and get them to do shootings.Yeah.Create a different kind of example out of them.I mean, I don't know.I don't really know these two.weirdos soall bets are off
01:51:42manwellcan't beyou can't be saying shit like thatyou can't fucking be saying shit like thatdude it's like the guy it's like the guyin your friend group that just goes too farhe's like oh man you can't like
01:51:58you can't make jokes like thatbecause it doesn't seem like you're jokingyeah it's like thatit's one thing if you make an offhanded commentbut like when you spend your whole life being so hatefuland just like all I'm doing is going and attacking people verballynow I'm going to go do it physically. It's like well that's not a joke.Okay. Yeah. You're not joking about that but you are joking about shooting it up.
01:52:26Yeah. Don't be doing the shit that'll get you a knock on the door, I guess.Let's hear that again.For validation? For what? For validation from your audience?because saying that you're going to shoot it upis also illegalyeah like even if you didn't mean itsaying it as a threatis still illegal
01:53:00I don't know if you guys don't know thatbut you're clearly pissed off at EBSand trying to fuck up his thingso sayinglet's talk about shooting it upI mean yeahthere's so much established intentthat it's like
01:53:24yeahit's hard to undo this one fellaswhat did youwhat was the jokeyeah the joke doesn't follow from whatoh let's listen to it againbut you know that's a liethat said you lick the urinal pipe
01:53:40and wear adult diaperswho do you think you're clowningokay buddy buddyhey Ethan I didn't even mention thisbecause I try to not really go in on you too hard.But your wife left you, Ethan.You want to talk about looking for validation?No, no, no.
01:53:56He wants to talk about looking for validation from a womanand I was messaging someone unwanted.You know a lot about being unwanted, don't you, E?Because your wife left with the skydiving instructor.Bro, you want to talk about love lives?You want to be on fucking go there?Come on.This is way too personal.
01:54:17Can we talk about shooting up fan fest?Something also deeply personal.Yeah.Is that personal?Well, okay.Have fun being raped in prison, I guess.Enjoy prison stalker child.Fucking.
01:54:47The FBI got called.Tony and Evias thing.Oh, Balder called him.Movie Purp has completely toned down everything.Refuses to go on Tony's show.You mean his.this is streamnone of these people have shows
01:55:00it's not a show it's just a zoom callwith a bunch of fucking losersyou don't go down to the stationyou don't rehearse anything you don't havethere's no accounting departmenttalking about there's no fuckingbilling there's no nobodythere's it's you are in front
01:55:16of a shitty webcamfucking talking to the internetit's not a show it's a streamit refusesto go on Tony's show orcomment on any drama.Save to say I won.Oh, Balder won. Okay.
01:55:29I wish we were, I wish I was being my usual egoist self.But this all actually went down when the whisper gang ain't got shit about.Okay, I don't know what.I don't know what you're talking about.Can't be fucking with Balder, man.Yeah, you really can't.It's just very easy to be nice and respectful of Balder.Why do you got to...
01:55:49Don't be upset in the man, you know?Hey, Dick, hey Johnny.You know what's making me a rage today?a lot ofmovies where the guy is rightand gets to gloat about itmy wife and I don't watch himhis Netflix movie
01:56:02he was called Fracturedabout this cool alcoholicwho uhcoolhe fucks up he drops his kid in a holeand then uhin Jackson Holehis marriage is on the rocks
01:56:14but it's like everything starts working outin his favorwhere this kid in a holewife likes him againbecause he like out of the hospitaland then she startsgoing awry and his wifekid goes missing
01:56:24and the whole timeThey're like, you're disassociating.You have a problem.You know, you're crazy.And they do a pretty good job, make you think that.And then halfway through the movie, it's like, no, wait.These people are stealing organs, and they have his wife's kid.And I'm like, I'm on the end of my fucking feed.
01:56:41It was like the best movie I've ever seen for 90% of it.I'm like, yeah, waste him.Get in there and fucking waste him.And that very last scene.He's fucking crazy.He is just a big idiot who's been bubbling around.His wife and his kid have been dead the whole time.and it's like, that's not how you fucking do it.
01:56:59This guy should have that over on his wife for the rest of time.It's a cool movie with Kurt Russellwhere his wife gets kidnapped at a gas stationand like nobody in this pot on town believes him.But he's right.Or that one, uh, prisoners, right?Where the fucking huge Jackman is like,huge Jackman, huge Jackman.
01:57:17That retarded kid took my kid and I know it.And the cops like, yeah, well, you got to do things by the book.This fucking movie round up here?his hammer figure it out, you know, andI just pisses me off.All right, see ya.The fucking, what,Roper's Ghost?
01:57:36Ebert's Ghost, called in.So it had a happy ending.His wife was dead.Yeah.Sounds like a fun movie.Okay, let's do this.Let's do it.Johnny's brain, wrong.
01:57:54Oh, no.All right, Dick, today we got,what did I title this one?Like something about a resounding,Yes.Who cares about the title?Oh, the yes heard around the world.Right.
01:58:08Okay.Let's see here.There we go.If her dash doesn't look like this when you guys go out, is she really a fat girl?And it's, oh, God.I saw the beginning of her arm.Jesus.So her dash is covered in a lunch, which for her is.
01:58:35About seven rappers from Chick-fil-A.Yeah, so some guys had a lunch date with Vivendum with a wig on.Oh, my God.Her arms are so fat.And they move, like, a lot, too.A lot of jiggling there.A lot of jiggling around.So her first arm is fat, but then it connects to this, like, fish-shaped, like Dorado.
01:59:02Like the whole band, yeah.Yeah.Oh, what else is this fat bitch?Official.K Bear QD BBW.Is there an organization that gives out officialBBW designations?Like the National Park Service?
01:59:17There needs to be that.Fish and wildlife.Just start going down Hollywood Boulevard and like,you, you wouldn't this.Yeah.I guess it'd be more of a New York thing than Hollywood, but.You're officially one fat bitch.You are officially a BBW.
01:59:34What is this poor bastard doing?Oh, Danny Mullen?Why is he on here?What the fuck?Well, would you use ranch's loob?I would, actually.Right in the crease here.They'll just come right through.
01:59:49Dude.These bitches are so fat.Okay, so.She's cut off.I need having to do less than three minutes.Anyways, Iknow these women in the documentary,except most of them.
02:00:07And I've heard these stories before.And, um, I mean,sometimes you don't want to believe what you just hear.And I totally respect that.When you just hear something, it could just be made up,especially like today, I hate to say it,but there is a lot of women that lie, uh,about serious topics.
02:00:29Like in relationships, they lie about, um,I can't even understand what you're saying.There's just words.There's just words.There's no point to any of this.It's nonsense.Jibberish.Okay.
02:00:42Dude, does she, she starts her camera and then rolls back like 10 feet.Every time she records these selfie videos.Do you think there's grooves worn into the floor from her office chair?She's on like a dolly.She's like shoved back.Office furniture by U-line.She's shaped like a pyramid.Like it.
02:01:04She is the food pyramid, dude.you are what you eatand she is the food pyramidyeah snacks ranchsnacks dressingsecondsyeah when you ask me if she's getting dressedshe's fucking drinking a bottle of ranch
02:01:20Starbucksman listenlisten all rightoh yeah that's rightit's another black peopleconcoction so we got him a mixed oneokay you're trying it outit's like a
02:01:35it looks like a buzz ballso she says give him a one through tenNow listen.Yes, sir.If I taste it.Yep.One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.You got it.
02:01:46Did that cover it?I'm not tasty.So she was saying rate the drink.Yes.One through ten.And he goes after I taste it and she goes, yeah.And so he counts to ten.He counts to ten.
02:02:02Because he thinks that's like a game.Give me a one through ten.Give me one through, like a jumping jack.And he's like, I'll be.And he outsmarted her.Yeah, you got to give me a one through ten after you tasty.That's just total crackhead.She's feeding some guy a buzzball with a piece of dry ice in it.
02:02:25Is he eating the dry ice?Okay.All right.Turn him in to boomhauer immediately.That's what I'm talking about.Do you pay for that?Why are you looking at it like that?Because I want to pour something in my beer and I'm scared to do it.
02:02:40No, I'm pouring it up.So we got.give me a one through tenjust drink it assholepoured in a fucking beerfucking jerkso here's some realentrepreneur hours dick
02:02:52you knowhow we love businessaround hereit's a finance podcastoh noso thisI brought a version of this in last weekthis is the latest one he has
02:03:04I believea lot of people sent me this tooand thank you to all who have sent me thisit's a shrink-wrapped coffinBro, in loving memory ofA little shoddyBrian, little B, I was closeYeah
02:03:21I don't shrink wrap a coffinCome onHey man, if it can be made, it can be soldThe biggest scooter on itWhat does it say?In loving memory ofBrian KentMcKenzie Jr.
02:03:39Lil B.Forever in ourI should say heartsbut that doesn't look like an HForever in our arteries.The biggest scooter.Oh, it does say forever in our hearts.Oh.
02:03:54The biggest scooter.Why is the H so far away from the E?They don't know Kearning yet.Oh, man.At thesilly funeral home.His name was the biggest scooter.The biggest scooter.
02:04:09I've seen the bitches built like that.Casket wraps, man.Man.You can have some shithead make a Canvacasket wrap for you.You could pay them an extra fucking 500 buckson top of the alreadyvery expensive funeral services.
02:04:30We gotta find how these people get this moneyand shut it down.Yeah.They have too much.Give me a one through ten on this case.One through ten.One, two, three.And then, okay,
02:04:45and you know, Dick, it's Father's Day.I know we didn't do last week.So here's a proper send-off for everybody.Okay.You definitely want the audio on this one.Well, besides my leg being infected, besides my leg.Look at the shin, man.I touch my leg here.
02:05:03Oh, God.Just in case everyone forgot.Did she that stuff dripping down my leg?This cap isn't me, puts me the worst pain of my life.I was scrolling trying to go to sleep the other night and hit that.And I said, that was the fastest thing I've ever saved on this whole fucking life.I'm a frog, he says.Oh yeah, this guy's a homeless, like, total, like, lunatic, but...
02:05:52144,000 chosen.Wasn't that Helter Skelter?Broken burning left leg.His whole Instagram family was about the pus coming out of his leg?Mm-hmm.all right goodbye everyone see everybody that was bad
There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click any sentence in the transcript to leave one.