The Dick Show - Episode 514 - Dick on the Torta Takeover

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

A fat woman steals a trashcan, Communists take over NYC, drive-by Ozempic shootings, and dating your "best friend"; all that and more this week on The Dick Show

Yes, yes, yes. All right. We've escaped the room. Well, no, now we get to the second phase where we have to record a show in under two hours. Otherwise, we get locked in forever. Oh, yeah, okay. Otherwise, it steals our souls. Those escape rooms are like, there's just such a fine line between homework and, like, an activity.

Like an escape room and just doing chores. I look at an escape room as like a Korean barbecue for theater, right? Like here's all the props. You have, now you're responsible for your own entertainment. We did one. It was awesome. And then we did another one. And I'm like, this feels like putting clothes away.

Like, I don't know how to explain it. You know, it's like, put all the, match all these things with the thing. And I'm like, yeah, but it's not really a narrative. What if we open a factory, disguise each process as part of an escape room? And then people pay to work into the fact. Like Nathan for you. Exactly, yeah. It felt like a Nathan for you sketch.

I'm sure he's probably thought of that and been like, nah, that one sucks. What happened to that guy? Is he going down the Tim Robinson route where he's really amazing, but then everything that he makes after it totally sucks ass. It's been his shit. He's met at him his way into being God now. God, the chair company just fucking sucked.

I never got her to watch it. I was afraid of that. It ruins all the rest of the stuff too because it's just so quirk chung-a-sie. It's like, man, why don't you really make him try to do something? Not this like, oh, I'm walking and my pants fell off.

Oh. It's funny when you describe it. Like when you watch it, like. And then it's like 10 minutes of oh. Oh, God. Oh, great. it's that shitty Chinese actor from the show.

He's funny because he sucks. So don't put him in something. Put in a good actor. Put in an actor, yeah. Quirk chunk is bullshit. Yeah, okay, we're going. Yes, yes, yes, all right. I'm going to just play the theme song right now.

I don't have time for the shit. Let's keep room that is rumble. Dick. Did you have been happy this week? Yeah! Welcome to Dick. You want Dick, you need a dick, you love you. You love Dick, you got it!

It's a show or episode to podcast. We're live from Mount Bucker Deep in the heart of the city of failure. I'm your host Dick Masters and AKA the $20 million man. Joining me is Johnny. Audio engineer. What's up, man? What's happening, man? I think I'm all out of it because my son had his first sleepover at Nanas.

As soon as he... As soon as my wife left the driveway, it was like the sound of freedom. She took the dog. like, ah. No dog, no kid. No dog, no kid. No wife for a minute.

By the time she got back, I was passed out already. Drunk. Even better. Then it's like no wife the whole time. I was doing one of those fentanyl hangs. The fent fold right in your own room. What the fuck is wrong with those guys? Why don't they sit down?

Dude, there's got to be something about the blood rushing to your head and then waking up with the fucking craziest fucking back issues. I saw. You know, they got these like Nat Geo things where guys just drive by the hood and film a mob of zombies in the Fent fold folded in half. Why does it not occur to them to simply have a seat on the curb? Do you know? You know these types of people. I do know these weird types of things and people. Yeah.

Unfortunately, I just don't understand. Fent is like one of those things that was never on my radar like, crack, I understand. Having seen, you know what it is because I never see active Fent users. They're all hunched over. You don't see him doing it. When you see active crackheads, though, man, talk about Nat Geo. You get to watch and observe and really learn a lot. It bothers me.

It bothers me that they're not, somebody's not giving them like a nice, not a nice chair, but a chair. I just want to see when they wake up and are like, Jesus, fucking, because, dude, if I sleep like this, my whole day is ruined. My head is tilted to the side when I sleep I'm done. Oh, I know. I think I pulled my butt trying to reload the printer right before the show.

Okay. How long have we both been alive and printers still have never worked? I don't know. They're getting worse. Now they're doing like subscription. Now you have to watch out when you buy a printer

that it doesn't have like a subscription an ink subscription service. And then it will never print again if you cancel your subscription. The only printer I remember ever or never having problems rather was when you still

had the fucking Doth on the side Those like strong bats Yeah we had to rip off the fucking hole Oh dude Those were tight Those were tight Because it would just It would dot matrix printer anything

It would just print that shit out dude And man Those were serious men that designed that thing This is gonna be so This has to be so aligned That we're gonna put holes Yeah That's so fucking

sick, dude. Like, can we just print normal, can we put normal paper in it? Nope. No. It needs to have holes in the side. And everyone had it. Everyone had that shit. I remember it, dude. Piles of fucking pulling those off. But dude, that was American standards at one point. That was

the first printer scam. No, that's fucking intention. Dude. That's good. Perfectly aligned, dude. Doesn't matter if they cut the holes. And then you print the shit out and rip it. Ah, man, I got to print it again. Fuck this. Corner. Yeah. Fucking corner. That's how they get you, dude, the half-perforated ones?

That shit lasted forever. I don't remember buying ink once. For those. Maybe my parents did. I don't know. I was just in there printing fucking greeting cards all day. You could print through a whole rim of paper, or a whole box of paper before you needed to think about. Spilling a drop of ink. Who knows what even made that?

Maybe it wasn't ink. It's just like straight blood. Heat. I don't know. Blood. It could have just been like poking little holes. Iodine. Maybe there was some of that iodine that they were always talking about in 80s. Man, you know what one of my favorite 3-6 mafia lyrics is?

What's that? It's in sipping on some syrup, but he says, I eat so many shrimp, I got iodine poisoning. He eats so many shrimp? Like, that's a sign of wealth? Yeah, but I just was like, man, how, like, based on his current weight and

like, how much fucking shrimp do you have to eat? Like, God damn. Like, what's that a flex for? Like, I'm so you're hungry like god damn so hungry i mean i get the larger scope but just the more i like is there a larger scope is there i eat so much shrimp like i got piles of shrimp everywhere

but it's just like so funny to think about like pretty livid fucking sea world call me long john silver like okay flying dutchman over here uh do you see this one oh dude i almost said this to you but i figured you had seen it way before i did The tortas are

cutting loose, man. When the DEI lady gets fired for stealing a trash can. These tortas are out of control. Yeah, this is a big one. This is a class, this is a class five repeating torta that we've got loose on the streets of New York City. We're going to have to send in the tortoise.

Like the Ghostbusters, but a fat Mexican woman as the logo going. I don't think so poppy With a line right through her, you know If you want to make the biggest YouTube channel in the world Make a drone That looks like the fucking thing

From Star Wars And then fly the little cable around Their fucking ankles And then trip them up And make them fall Man Tortobusters Tordubusters

Like the N64 We got a fucking gaggle them We got an encumbrance of tortoise here It's crazy man They are getting I thought That OZimpic was some kind of a miracle weight loss drug

and everyone was on it the president is on it everyone's on that shit it's free now it's free but that's not enough we're going to have to force inoculate these tortoise you have to put it in jack in the box

tacos I think that's the only way forget the fluoride in the tortillas we need some yeah how do we further calcify their I was I was out watching

I was out at a bar watching the World Cup yesterday and man oh man this is the fattest they've ever been dude going to the salsa and beer what last weekend? Yeah.

Oh man we're sitting there just looking around like how are these chairs fucking hold up? How are these chairs withstanding this? They pulled out the chairs at where I was at the Angel City Brewery Oh shit they pulled all the chairs out and these fat women were

just sitting. I thought it was a bunch of bean bags when I first walked in. I was like, that's odd. What is this? A shisha bar? They replaced all the seats with beanbags. And I asked the guy and he goes, those are fat women. It said, whoa, they're talking, you're right. So why did you guys fill this place up

with talking bean bags? It's out of control. Dude, there's... Mexico's got to do something about this. They're vicious, too. Oh, they're they're onry. They're mean. They're mean. They're mean. They're mean as hell. They're mean as hell.

It's all that hot chito-powered heartburn got them in a tis. Harburn's got them upset. Yeah. They are fat and onry. I'm a sick one, yeah. Sizzling. I looked around as I said, this isn't America. This isn't even Mexico here.

Yeah. Fatlandia. Dude, it's fucking bad, man. Tubby Latina factory. I've walked into a tubby Latina factory. Like, if it caught a fat, It'd burn for like a thousand years. Like a Tesla factory.

Yeah, they would never be able to put that fire out. Fat's still cooking. You could put out a tire fire faster than you could put that out. A fire burning fat women. Here's one of them. The DEI, the director of DEI at J.P. Morgan. This big fat bitch who's dressed like a fucking garbage man with her new balance socks pulled all the way up. it looks like she's in like a

like imitating like a sixth grade drum line or something yeah yeah a souvenir a souvenir a souvenir garbage can and the garbage can was full

she dumps out the garbage all over the street to steal a painted probably not even anodized probably just like they're probably even fill a whole trash can away afterward

like dumped it out and then I guess she's going to live with the trash can maybe well the part that cracks me up is like a dumpster steals the trash can that's the headline news at 8

what were you going to say pot eating the kettle yeah um that's like well if she has this as a showpiece in her house you're going to post a picture about it on Instagram like there's no way she isn't outing herself come over and see my Nick's trash can and check out my next trash can she's going to take it

to the office Yeah Well, where'd you get that? Stoll it. Lored it over all the other All the people who were actually doing work. I mean, it was very diverse, equitable, and inclusive of her.

Look, she was just trying to add vibe back to New York and dump trash back in the streets where it belongs. She looks like the guys that carry Oscar the Grouch around. Who's that name guys, Gus? Oh. You know, that big fat, the garbage man? Yeah. Carries Oscar around when he has to move somewhere.

She looks like the guy from a counting crows. But six other guys. She looks like all the counting crows, yeah. She was counting them to see if... This fat lesbian decides to just dump trash all over the place. Some people are defending this. Well, she shouldn't have been fired. She should have been...

There should never be a DEI anything anywhere. She should have never hired. She should have never existed. What do you mean she should be shot out of a cannon? What do you talk about? talking about. This is like pure antisocial you know

this is this is a this is a degenerate immoral totally evil person. This is a fucking sports addict dude. This is a sports addict? A racist? Against white people so it's bad?

Yeah. And a memorabilia addict. That's almost worse than sports addiction is when people were like yeah but I got all the memorabilia. It's like Like no one gives a fuck except you, man. Why should she be fired? Well, because her job's pointless and stupid. Yeah. And if she acts like this in real life?

How do you think her professional life is? Yeah, we're way past the point of why should someone be fired? Fire. They're done. Get rid of them. Fuck them. God, those are bad legs for shorts. Look at the size of...

How can you be so angry and so fat? Shouldn't you be calmed down a little bit? What's a blood pressure issue, man? Is it? Is there a video of this? Oh, man. Imagine you've got to go into the, go to the office and get told about

you're making six figures of J.P. Morgan. You have the easiest job in the world we have to do nothing. You just have to tell white guys about black women's hair, how important it is not to touch their hair. Easiest thing in the world. Yeah, do it all day. Just fucking

stealing a trash can You could have paid Some shithead to just spray paint a trash can Real quick for it You just buy one on U-line And repaint it for fucking 30 bucks total probably It's gross

It's gross It's gross It's funny that she got fired for it Yeah it really is Because it's like yeah Like what did you think was gonna happen You can't You can't act like that

No not anymore Not in Trump's America A piece of gum I think if you even are caught chewing gum In like Cambodia or some shit You'll just get the cane Like like Siam or something

We should cane this bitch A little sugar caner yeah Line everybody up Take turns Cain to fuck out of everybody again Dress up like a cowboy Put on some chaps If we had like a year of living

Like the Philippines Yeah I think a lot of this shit would stop A lot of this would stop and a lot of people would move away for sure somebody should have beined her in the head with a trash can if I see that someone's stealing a trash can I'm throwing a trash can at her

someone needs a big pole with a trash can I think like a big butterfly net to just like got you bitch Fat Busters That da da da da da da da da da da da da No that's the bots master theme song

Wrong song You know A battleboss episode where it's like battle bots versus like a crowd of fat people like how many fatties can you take down with one of your battlebots you got to get that little chinese ball that they the chinese have the tire ball thing yeah yeah or that robot dog they turned loose in the ghetto put some slap some anti-fat AI on it they're like you know we realize black people already hate dogs like what if we made like a robot dog two things they hate yeah Muslims really hate them does they stop the dogs uh stop the dogs uh stop

rape. That's right. Well, mostly. Well, you can't rape a robot dog either. You know? No holes on it. Hard to rape when you're getting your testicles eaten by a pit bull. We have real and imagines.

I'm going to program one of those robots just to walk around and shoot the hot dogs out of these fat lady's hands. They eat them. What? You know? What? Oh Where's my scone A robot officer

A robot came by and shot this scone out of my hands That robot dog pointing in just the fucking big ass wing hanging down As long as they don't As long as they don't trace it back to me Can get away with it forever So a robot did that, not me Robot went fucking haywire, man The only thing cool about a robot dog

Would be that No one's programmed it to just come like stick its face right in your fucking crotch. Yeah. And have the owner just be like, oh, he's just being friendly. And it's like, get your fucking dog. Like, get it to fuck away. Get it away.

I love dogs. It's like, hey. Get out of here. That's not where your face goes. Um, we went to this, uh, man, I was, I was excited for this. We went to a, uh, a show. It was a talk by Danny McBride. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Was it good? Baby. Man, it was Walton Goggers, whatever that guy's, the weirdo, the alien-looking guy is. Oh, David Goggins, the fitness guy, right? Walter Goggers. The guy with a big forehead. Right.

And Danny McBride thought, oh, baby, this is going to be some real dirty. This is going to be some real dirty stuff. Oh, yeah, right? I was really excited about it. These guys are going to really cut loose talking about, you know, any kind of dirty stuff, right? But I don't know. I guess things should have clued me off. It was at like a school.

Pretty sure it was a Jewish school. I don't have to double check on that, but there are signs. And they start, they get to talking. These guys are the most. I've never seen, it's just for, it was like 150 people at this little talk. Barely any, right? Small. Small crowd.

Crazy. These guys are the most nervous fucking guys I've ever seen in my life bouncing their legs around. I'm like, I said to my wife, I hope these guys are coked up because they are just way too nervous for... These are superstars, right? Yeah. How many movies have these motherfuckers been in?

They're fucking nervous asking Walter Goggins, is Goggars, is asking Danny McGoverns. asking Danny McBride how writing this new book he's got was like repaired his relationship with his, or helped him deal with his relationship with his father. And I'm like, I think I might have yelled. What the fuck is this? What the fuck are you assholes talking about? You're talking about your fucking dads? Are you high?

You better be high. You fucking better be high. And I brought a big flask. And they kept these fucking assholes. kept the lights on in the auditorium the whole fucking time. My wife goes, what are you going to drink that in the bathroom?

I'm not getting up to go drink my flask. I'd have brought a bottle of them drinking in the bathroom. I'm just going to drink it on my seat when they turn the lights off. See, halfway through, she goes, are you thinking they're turning the lights off? I'm like, shut the fuck up. Shut your mouth. That would piss me off so hard.

So I'm sitting there with like this giant pillow in my pants listening to these two fruits talk about their fucking. dads. Are you fucking kidding me, man? Go talk about this shit at a bar. This is a show, assholes.

We want to see Kenny fucking Powers. You know, the character that you wrote and are? Not like this character. Fucking writer, man. I'm a writer, dude. I'm a writer. It was worse than Al Bunny because Al Bundy's not Al Bundy, right? Right.

Danny McBride is Kenny Powers. He wrote that shit. and he you can tell it's obviously him talking about why I write characters like this like yeah because you are him because he's awesome because he's awesome don't give us don't give us this Hollywood shit you don't even live here anymore you know and that's the thing is you just hearing about

like I just want the product I want it to be good and I don't want to hear anything else. You dickheads understand that this is a show too, right? This isn't like, ruin the show, show. This is also a show. It's like, actually, we meant nothing we said before. Like, we take it all back.

Dude, I was, I was just waiting for that. He didn't say that. He had a couple good lines, but man. You should have been like, you're not a ghoul in real life. Fuck you. I asked what your favorite insult was, ever called anyone came up with

for anyone oh that's a good one he said I can't remember I said what that's such a cop out you cop out bitch what a cock mouth dude

seriously uh do you see the movie do you see the movie came out that the guy army hammer just goes around murdering immigrants

see that movie no but that's funny yeah that's a movie that came out I just always think of the baking soda. What baking soda? You know, the Armand Hammer.

I just always think of that shit every time. What is his name? I keep saying Arlie Ermi, but that's a different guy. Oh. I always think of Arlo Guthr. What is his name? Army Hammer? Well, I know there was an Armand Hammer, and there was an Armyhammer, and I'm like,

can we just fucking figure some, let's move on from this name. He's some kind of cannibal, right? supposedly yeah I think I've never really dug too much once he started getting in the true crime world I'm like tune that shit out

yeah I figure it's just something he says to turn women on probably yeah because I knew a girl that whatever dated him and that's all she would talk about so he clearly knows what he's doing clearly it worked

being a weirdo man you loved it so you know yeah Army Hammer out Hebrew Hammer also out MC Hammer in

Is he dead? No, he's still alive He's still alive? Is he broke? Dude, he's a dangerous one man, he's rich He's rich? He's got to be MC Hammer? He's always had money Check this out I gotta go to

I gotta go to a different tooth doctor, right? Oh shit So I asked my dentist and say Do you have a recommendation for This kind of tooth doctor She sends me this shit I said no thanks Is this a fucking vampire

HBO show from like the I said is this an escort site that you sent me? Yeah what the fuck Why is it red? Why is it? I feel like your phone number is going to get leaked

If you fucking sign up For this dentist What the fuck? I can't look at this My wife might think I'm Hiring a prostitute That's what color your gums Are gonna be after they fucking

Why is there like an erotic picture Of this woman on the front Why are there three Okay first of all No Oh, it says inedible results. That's right. Well, after they fuck your teeth up and you get...

There are a bunch of models on the science and art meat. I don't know. That's crazy. Maybe I'll be forced to go because it's just, it's like impossible to try to figure out where I'm allowed to go with my insurance. Everyone treats me like I have AIDS. When I call them up and say I have Blue Shield, they're like, ooh, PPO. I thought that was the best one. why does it cost me

$1,700 a month or whatever it is? And I'm getting this treated like I have AIDS. What do you have? Fucking asshole on the phone? Fucking nothing. And then they're all shitty to you

and it's like, what the fuck? God damn. Really. I was asking for help and you're shitting on me. You're shitting on me. Wait, let me see if I have another video of the trash can thief.

I thought I had a video, but it was AI. Oh yeah, here she is. God damn. This face, man. Ugh. This, you know, this makes me think maybe some people are born as the wrong gender. Looking at this ugly ass face. Even the black people are like, man, that's dirty.

Look at the guys in the back, these brothers in the background. Like, man. What the fuck? This pitch went crazy, they're saying. That is, yeah. That's like your ass. average panorama city Walmart customer right there. Right there in one picture.

You know this lady's just such a huge bitch too. You know at work she's insufferable and then she goes on and does something like this. And I bet you everyone at that fucking office is like, oh, thank God. The devises her. The DEI people are monsters. All they do is sit around and invent racism. They invent it and then they sit around and like smile at each other and like a very smarmy way that's like

the right I am and it's like fuck it's really sick it's a really sick industry that it exists at all yeah um check this out check out this cool comic that's coming johnny

that's an awfully familiar logo in the left corner this is a new ripaverse product called it's fine moms it's fine moms written by a white woman this is a kid in white face on the hover. Is that kid trying to do the Paul Mooney

joke? What's the Paul Mooney joke? Where the black kid like puts flour on his face and he's like, look, mom, I'm white and she's slaps and like, go see your, like, go show your dad. Then she shows his dad. He slaps him and goes to his mom and goes to his mom. Gets back to his mom. He goes back to his mom.

She's like, what did you learn? He's like, well, I've only been white for five minutes when I fucking hate black people. But that's the Paul Mooney joke. No, it's because they're making such a mess. It's fine, moms. It'd be fine, moms. Moms. It's fine, moms.

Too soon for the Y White Chocolate was invented joke. How come the moms isn't a Z? Oh, right. It'd be fine, moms. Can you believe they're still making this crap? It's fine moms. Dude, there's people making fucking... I thought second life was bottom of the barrel,

but, dude, people are making IMVU accounts and shit still. And it's like, what the fuck? So to see this, it's like, man, I can't say I'm surprised, but I am a little disheartened by this. Because, like, why are all the letters capital except the I? Because it's a street. It's gangster. That's why.

That's why I should have a Z. It's fine moms. Z. Because black people say moms instead of mom. That's why. So you know it's street and creed. Is that kid holding a gun? He is holding a gun, yeah. He's making a gun. He's baking a gun.

Oh, he's stirring something. Okay. It's just like, it's like a, from a gun pointed straight on. It's like, oh, shit. Why do people buy this crap? Why is it being made? Dude, I walked through that Barnes & Noble recently and the Grove. Uh-huh.

looking through all the magazines like cool whatever saw like PC gamer and shit I'm like okay cool they're talking about old hardware I was like yeah that's still around cool stoked to look through that I'm like hey maybe there's hope put it down look around and it's all shit like this everywhere and I was like

you gotta be fucking kidding me like well that's why bookstore's closed you sell shit like this selling garbage yeah women are all on their kindles now anyway right they don't even read they don't read them they just buy the book well because the Kindle

you can do a reject for anything that's not in between quotes. So just, you know, dump all the rest of the text. They should just do the women version. Books for women, and it just looks like a text message thread. And all they have to do is read the text message thread. You can scroll up even. Because that's all they're reading in books. They don't want you to know it.

But it's true. What do you mean you read 50 books and you can't tell me about a single one of them? You mean you read 50 text message conversations? Yeah, I bet you did. Sure you did. It'd be fine, moms. That's the book. Well, at least he's getting something out there.

Wait, it's Ripperverse Backyard? Oh, he's got another... We're in the backyard now. We're out of the fucking factory and in the backyard. I didn't see that, you're right. It's Ripperverse Backyard. That means... The kids...

Well, this family lives out back, which means, you know... No big house for them. It looks like clip art. Like... It looks like shit. I don't even know who it's for. It's for people that have like a fetish for black people. It's for DEI departments.

Yeah, it's for white people that have a fetish for black people. That is a big genre. Like we got a bunch, like, we got a couple kids' books. Like Julian wants to be a fucking mermaid. It's one of the books that somebody got us. Oh shit, that's right. I forgot about that. And it's like about this little gay.

black kid that wants to go with his aunt Torda to the drag queen show. He's cross-dressing and shit and there's not even any words in it. It's just like a little boy taking his pants off and then hanging out with a bunch of fucking creep shit dude.

Drag people. It's really it is creep shit. But there's a bunch of books like that. Like there's normal books for kids? You know like Horton here's a chigger. There's like look at this train. Like normal stuff kids like to do right and then there's one and it's then there will be one and it's like the

beautiful expectation of being the wrong color fish like give me a break fuck you dude that to me me is like that mermaid book you're talking about yeah like our grandparents seeing metropolis and fun or great grandparent seeing metropolis in theaters like the 20s is really what the fuck is is this satanic shit no no no you guys think that's bad look at this shit like that's more horrifying than any of that. Then I see it and I'm like, God, there's, I bet there's some kids who just, like, only have books like this. They do.

And they got to tolerate, like, watching a little, little gay boy take his clothes off. Like, okay, so can we read, like, a Berenstain's Bears book or something now? Can we get a normal book, please? Berenstain Bears fucks your mom. Dude, by the way. Did you know there's two different Berenstains Bears? Well, there's three now. Oh, a third.

Berenstain bears? Yeah, the Berenstains bears are like, uh, uh, all into Jesus Christ now. Oh. Did you know that? That's cool.

It is cool. The one, the dad died and the son took over the business with the mom and decided that they're going hardcore Christian. Dude. And the mom's like, whatever, you know,

he, I guess, but it's probably brilliant. Because those dumb fucks will buy anything. That's one. And it's like, you look at Barrens and it's like, that's,

in our ethos, dude, that's like in the back of our minds. Yeah. You see that and it's like it's like recognizing like those precious moments angels or like a Kathy comic, right? Yeah.

It's so, we've just seen it so much. When you see it again, it's like, oh shit, these guys are still around like, all right. Now they love Jesus. There's one we got on the,

Brother Bear kills a Palestinian. It's all about how, it's all about how you have to, it's okay to kill Palestinians. man they say what you want they've really uh that's what christ is about they've really gone a long way over there long way from like wow my porridge is too hot or too cold brother bear uses as brother bear uh is a human shield that's the title of the christ's following but there's a there's a secret baron stains bears's book oh this part is real it's before

Do you know the Baron Stain Bears? Of course. Okay. Imagine... They've never heard of them, yeah. Imagine in your mind that there's a Barronstains Bears that are like a proto-Baronstains Bears. And there's no sister. There's just a brother.

Oh, shit. And the parents. And the dad is like a... The dad is exactly like my dad, actually. Oh, the worst dad, yeah. The whole book, I... And they're way, way better. The first ones are way better.

It's the whole, every book is the dad bear lecturing everybody on how to do something and he's, and fucking up every page, like getting in these huge wrecks. It's, they're funny. Like, they're funnier. They're not like the moral, like brother and sister have a fight and learn how to share. Yeah. That retarded shit. It's like, dad bear is a jackass.

That's the, dad bear is a fucking girl. They're fucking great. So there is to, like, all that, um. Women just ruin. everything, man. Sister Bear showed up. They brought Sister Bear and fucked up the whole family. Everyone got to stick up their ass.

They still shat in the woods back then, you know? They did. They literally did. He's causing all kinds of havoc, ignoring rules and stuff. He's basically goofy. Acting like a,

like a funnier version of goofy. I'll show you shit heads how to do it. Yeah. He's acting like Kenny Powers, basically. God, I'd fucking pissed me off so much that he was being Mr. Actor Man, Mr. Rider Man.

And then Walter Goggers was just like playing it up, asking about the time, like he didn't want to be there as a joke, right? Asking about his fucking... Man, I'm so pissed off right now. Like, at this point, you're better off going to like Al Roker speaking engagements to see if he'll shoot his pants there than... Can't why? You just say a slur to lighten the mood, please, to loosen up? Just some Give me something

It's like it's not fun at that point It's like you can't say all that stuff Because everybody's looking back at you huh Yeah I bet Harder to say But you gotta do it for me Harder to say when the director Let's screaming off camera

Uh Okay Palisades fire Let me see they didn't They didn't kill that guy That started the Palisades fire Oh they should have They should have

and they didn't even send him to prison. What the fuck? Yeah, listen to this. This is one of the jurors. This is one of the jurors who voted not guilty. And she's a woman. I can't think for sure like he's guilty. Here we go.

A juror in the federal arson trial of Jonathan Rickenerker who was accused of setting the Palisades fire says she couldn't find him guilty because she gets sad all the time and talks to chat GPT. Murder for both of them. Dude. Exactly. This is, this is as destructive

as the arson. Fucking woman. We're fucking vaporizing all this water from the Amazon and the fucking burning down forest and all this shit fucking cats and dogs living together

for this retard to get her fucking backwards-ass world's belief. Yeah, her he's her giving it straight from the idiot's mouth. I would I mean, without the proof and all the doubts, I can't say for sure, like, he's guilty. I mean, when we got everything, all that information, he's...

This is what he was having had GPT generate, the city on fire. A normal, like, I'll be the first to say, I don't, this is embarrassing. I used chat GPT, so I got really, like, sad, and, like, I talked to chat GPT all the time. So that was, like, I was like, made me angry that they were, like, putting his character down for just being human and yes, maybe we all have problems, but why are you putting his character down? We're trying to prove a fire. I mean, if they had everyone's dump and, you know,

like can really single him out that he was the only one on a crazy hill, like that's, there's vegetation everywhere. Like, we don't even know what it looks like because of, you know, the burn, the two burns. For those that don't know what she's talking about, she is a juror in the trial of Jonathan. He's a guy that was accused of setting the Pacific Palisades fire. That was a federal trial.

And this juror is saying that she gets sad and she talks to chat GPT. So therefore, she can't take into account any of the statements that he was making into chat GPT. What kind of weird shit was she saying? He was upset with wealthy people. He would talk to chat GPT about being upset with wealthy people. He was upset with society. he had multiple grievances and he had a fascination with fire.

This guy would even generate chat GPT images of big fires burning right next to major cities. So this is something that any normal person would take out. So you say that to a person, you're guilty, right? Oh yeah, okay. You're talking about that shit

to somebody else? But because it's the computer, because it's an imaginary friend that all of these morons collectively talk to, like it's their therapist. Fucking terrifying. Terrifying.

We thought, I really thought that we had reached as dumb as women could be. But we've unlocked a new turbo stupidity for them. By making a yes machine that they can't fuck.

Usually to get this kind of obsessive validation, they got to open their legs, you know, and put out. So they don't like that. So they don't get the validation. right but now we've got a fucking water burning machine

that will endlessly obsequiously validate them until the end of fucking time you imagine you're a young man dating today and you get to the point of the relationship where your asshole titans and you spring the you don't talk to chat GPT like it's a person do you you got to ask them that shit after all the other

all the other insane shit that you have the rubric of insanity that you have to ask women when you start dating them what is your what's your opinion on guns like okay I could work with that

I guess what's your opinion what is your opinions on you know racism like okay there's a limit to all of them

now you gotta add another one what is your opinion on that's a zero tolerance do you think Chad GPT's a real person well yeah I don't think it's real but I talk to oh fuck I can't work with that

Nope It's impossible No because they're just They've humanized it at this point They've named it in their wines Why isn't the machine Why isn't the people making the machine Going to jail for this shit

They should Everyone from their ground up Yeah You mean you had a guy asking about Setting fires and stuff That's allowed Tip someone off about Like

but none of the good stuff is i can't make a naked woman but i can't get it to do anything functional or worthwhile but yeah without getting that fucking this violates our shut up fucking why exist then so you'd think this would be like a slam dunk because these these idiots are conf these lunatics are confessing everything to chat GPT, but unfortunately additional lunatics are in charge of sending them to prison.

She should ask chat chvetyt. She should go home. Hey, I set this guy free. I bet it would say, yeah, you did the right thing. Probably. Jesus. Let me see here. Oh, this is an exciting one. We get an anti-Semitic heat map.

just a whole world is bright red the ADL popped this one out they turned comments off for some reason curious curious what's been reported in your area the ADL H-E-A-T map

what does that stand for hate oh yeah tracks reported incidents of hate extremism anti-Semitism and terrorism across the United States type in your city

and filter by year time period switch to the list view and see what's been reported in your area time period we go back like fucking bronze age can we go back that far uh

all right let's see whoa look at this look at this map man why is it green shouldn't be red I mean that's not I'm anti-semitism uh

wow look at it's like an earthquake map it's green because that's for all the money's fucking getting made from. Whoa, look out in Palm Springs. There's some hate that's happened over here. In La Quinta? Oh, Palm Desert. What happened in Palm Desert?

Let's check it out. Two anti-Semitic incidents. How do I view them? They're just making shit up. A list, maybe. Oh. Oh, Dallas. That seems pretty anti-Semitic.

Let's wet our whistles on something a little smaller. And Corona. Where's Corona? A little lower? Lower. Off to your right. Okay, let's check out Corona. What the fuck?

This thing doesn't work. A swastika was drawn out of school. Man. No, that's necessarily a website. That's an incident. That's a hate incident. A known offender posted an anti-Semitic

online review for a synagogue. That is a... Just fucking delete the con. Got it. We got them. Well, it was after the 13th had happened and it was really the same guy.

I was like, you know what? That pissed me off so hard. I'm going to do another one. Like, what the fuck? Because like, there's nothing in Corona. So it's like, it would make sense this map isn't very easy to use ADL

it's a bit tricky okay let's see what happened in Los Angeles probably a lot of anti-Semitism happened here 1228 so they stopped updating it already what the hell how can I start reporting some anti-Semitism

oh no it's okay yeah it's it's the filtering that's why oh it's did I fuck it up yes I did because I was like oh just anti-semitic like we solved it so it's like 1228 probably a lot that's probably a pretty anti-Semitic time

because everyone's really high on on Christmas so obviously they're going to be charged up right with religious with religious hatred after a customer shared they are Jewish

and have family in Israel an employee said Jews are killing innocent people and fucking Israel where an employee of what? In LA? An employee of L.A.? Where did this happen?

Yeah, what? 12, 20, and the previous day in Los Angeles, an individual yelled Hale Hitler at a Jewish pedestrian. And then that guy went home and filed a report. Is that what happened? I think the guy just went home and

filed the report. Oh, on Christmas Day. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. On Christmas Day, uh, assault. An individual screamed you fucking Jew at a victim

and chased them with a knife Really? Wait, so is this a crime? Yeah, that's a salt, brother. What the fuck? Uh, uh, uh, uh,

12, 19 the week before, a window of a Jewish organization was smashed. Jesus. Was that was it because they were Jewish? Just smashed? It could have just been anywhere on Ventura Boulevard.

It's been a crackhead. Let's see here. Oh, oh. 1218. A threatening anti-Semitic Facebook comment was directed at a synagogue. Whoa. 1217, a sticker was placed in a public area that read Israel owns our government. Wow, that's a pretty hateful. That's a pretty hateful message. very rude dude look at all these tons of them oh here's

this one is so bad 121 December 1 it says confidential then what the fuck is the fucking they just want you to know

that something's happening something happened but they don't want to give you any deets uh you have to reach out to the website actually could you take my incident down

that's confidential It must have been too funny. Yeah, probably. Something like with a piano fell on somebody. August 1st, a Jewish institution received a harassing, anti-Semitic email from a serial offender. Wow. Hmm.

They got a serial email offender. Wow. In this day and age? Whew, man. another confidential one what the hell a roadway was vandalized with a swastika

they got all all swastika graffiti is uh categorized here this is like your average like meth head though yeah an elevator

oh here's the opposite an uh July June 20th an elevator was vandalized with the star of David how do you know how is that anti-Semitic That's pro-Semitic, right?

Yeah. Someone got their data tables mixed up into sequel fucking... There's a wrong join that they got here? Oh, I see. Well, I hope they're updating this. They were off by a letter. Are they? Pretty sure a lot of anti-Semitism has happened this year,

but I don't see any incidents on a map. The whole site just says confidential for everything. Yeah Oh there's some new ones popped up Okay Wow New York Full of them Do you see they

Did they elect some communists in New York Yeah what's going on over there And I saw Bill Maher complaining about it And like Democrats saying We're not about communism We're the normal ones I'm like do you guys like not understand

That it's just like race-based voting Yeah They don't give a shit about capitalism. These people are, they're communists. They just take, they take, they take, they take,

look at their countries. Everywhere, everywhere else you go in the world is, violent, chaotic. Communism is, communism, you could describe it as communism, you know, you're being generous. You describe it as communism.

It's just take your stuff, and then when you're out of stuff, they'll kill you. That's to see if any money comes out of you. When you die, like, It's not You guys are bringing like a philosophy Discussion to a knife fight here to a gun fight

This is it's a incredibly stupid No one No one gives a fuck. It doesn't matter anymore There's a billion of them And they're gonna bring all their Whole families in and that's it That's it That's it. The voting is

Is this show Man Depressing It is depressed The voting was never the important part It was the demographic that was always the important part. And that no matter who won or lost, you got a general sum of what everyone thinks. And now you are going to get that.

Everything, every society ever is a general sum and direction of what everyone thinks. And now everyone is a fucking nightmare. Now everyone is substantially lower IQ than they ever have been before. and they come from shitholes that they made. Now they will make one here. That's no amount of arguing or defending the merits of like, who are you even talking to?

You're talking to people that steal trash cans making $300,000 a year. It's not sinking in. You're wasting your time. Fucking trash can stealers, man. Yeah, you're talking to people that are stealing trash cans. Okay.

Let me see what else I have. Man, I just hate having to go push the button to get alcohol now. What's that? You know, like, grocery stores, you gotta push the fucking... Oh, dude! Like, man... To summon some teenager? Who doesn't have the right key?

And they have to walk it up for you. Yeah. Like, you're buying a gun. They're like, oh, come to Lane 9, and I'm like... What is this? Like, the alcoholic fucking registry list? Like, come on. Like, you see my hands shaking.

Come on. Give it to me now. Come on, man. Come on, man. And fuck. God, just keep the, just keep it behind the counter

and put the little tickets like when you used to buy video games at Toys R Us and you have a little ticket you take out for the whiskey and bring it to the fucking counter. Don't lock it all up so someone has to come out and fetch it out of the fucking display case

and carry it up themselves. You idiot! Well dude, I love how like the soap and like everything else section is like its own store within the store now. Yeah. Like I'm at fucking

Mitzu a marketplace or some shit and I'm like, what the fuck? We've, we've gotten to this point now. God, I hate that they lock up the alcohol too.

Well, because again, it used to just be like, you grab a bottle, bring it up front. It's can you're fucking leave with alcohol. Now it's like,

what a fucking hassle, man. It is. A bonus episode with Carl. We talked about, we talked, we watched some annoying British woman.

I didn't realize there was any other kind. God, those people have to deal with it a lot. Those guys those guys have a whole another level of annoying that they have to deal with. That's why they eat crazy food and drink a lot of warm beer, man.

Yeah. Because it's like you need something to get you away from it's like your women look and sound like that. Your food tastes like that. Your weather's like that. They have this way of talking that never ends. British women. Something about their

accent. They can just talk in a way that never stops. Fuck. It's horrible. It's like circular breathing for a didger you do, man. Like inward whistling,

inward singing. Oh, you know? Right, and we're not talking about whether Van Dras. They're talking. They talk like that, though, so they don't have to breathe.

Yeah. What were you going to say? Oh, when you were talking about inward singing, I was like, oh yeah like Luther Vandross. So check that out. And then there's,

I think we watched a witch. She's also a marketing guru. Can we talk about this, man? Yeah. This whole like, what is it about like women who have a crisis? Yeah. And they're like, yeah, I'm just like a witchy. Like I like pumpkin spice.

I like burn lavender and shit. Now I do all this stuff. And it's like, you again, You fucking work in HR. You sit behind a fucking soulless in a overly air-conditioned fucking cubicle somewhere with fucking glass walls like an owl

and you're casting spells and you're so fucking witchy. Like I think all those bitches in Idol Wild would have something to say about that. She was a witch. I don't even know if she was a witch and she was promoting alternative lifestyles.

with e-commerce I don't know really what her point was it was funny though man that what a what a combo it's always a hustle too and for your witchie supplies

here's my essential oils here's this what do they fit at all it's not in their big mouths all the garbage that they're buying let's see here more prison stuff.

It's a state of emergency for trans people? Oh shit. I guess it kind of is. Too many transgender Chicagoans for too many transgender Chicagoans, the sense of belonging they deserve in their city

has been denied by exclusion and barriers to opportunity in spaces that should feel safe and welcoming. Like Little Girls' bathrooms? Is that what is just talking about? Is Chicago, like, known for its safeness and welcomingness? Is that, yeah.

Is that what they're going after here? Since declaring a transphemicide, state of emergency, get the fuck out of here. Since declaring a transfemecide, what about the manicide? There's no transmanicide going on? our administration has strengthened the city's capacity to support LGBTQ plus Chicagoans oh yeah so you get fucked in the you like getting fucked in the ass so that

automatically means that you support this retarded shit like they always get lumped in you know well it's funny because like did gay people know that that would happen to them when they first started getting fucked in the ass like if you're some 65 year old K guy? Awesome. I love being gay. Right, they got fucked in the ass physically and then

Now spiritually. Yeah, spiritually too. Just ruin the whole movement. Oh, you're gay, so you like, you support guys going to little girls' bathroom, right? You support total fucking creeps, right?

Like, oh. You support that shit, right? Says so on this, the city said so. But like a place that earned the nickname Shirek, you expect that to be like hospital

hospitable and welcome. This framework builds on that work. Oh shit, it's a framework? By centering the voices and lived experiences of trans-Chicagoans to chart a path towards a safer, more connected city. Wow.

This is... Trans people get beat up by their boyfriends, right? That's what's happening. And then everyone's like pretending that it's... that everyone's pretending this a big deal or that it's something that like it's just like every time

you look at all these stories and all you can conclude is like yeah living in the city fucking sucks yeah because of other people especially that city too like domestic violence I get you know you can't women are gonna do whatever you can't be beating them up you just can't like we all know

we all know how they are right okay you knew what she was like when you started fucking her. And then you can't just decide you're going to start popping her in the face, you know, in the mouth. We're not doing H-1B giving over here. Yeah, it's just not, you're ruining it for everyone. Okay? You're spoiling the fun, man. You're spoiling it. So that makes sense. But transfemicide, two guys in a relationship. I mean, I don't, I don't really. Come on. Shut up, little man. Exactly. Like, when I see two men,

fighting in the street, I don't think, oh my gosh, someone should do something about it. I think like, ah, ha, ha, someone's going to get, someone's going to get taught a lesson, right? Someone's going to have something coming in a couple of seconds. So transfemazile, okay, dude, who's, really? You couldn't see that one coming? A woman gets beat up, you're like, oh, man, you know, I get it, but you can't do that. Right. You don't do that.

You don't do that. Two guys. Yeah, I've seen. seen this fight before. Yeah. One of you should have shut up. Dude, I was driving home super fucking late one time.

I'm pulling up to the stoplight and there's these two cars and their windows are down and they're like yelling at each other and then you see fist come out the window and shit. Like a Heathcliff cloud. Yeah, and I'm like, oh shit.

So I'm like slowing down. And then one guy gets out of the passenger side with part of a brick and fucking hucks it at the other guy's car and fucking knocks like the passenger out because he's all like limp in the window and they drive way. And then the just, and I'm like, it's probably fucking four in the morning, man.

I didn't need to see that shit. It's like a GTA mission. It was funny as hell, like, after I got home and I'm like, showering and I'm like thinking about it. I was like, man, that's fucking crazy. Like, he got rocked, like, quite literally. But, man. Transfemicide. What race is this idiot?

Oh, it's this guy. Hey, is that tech nine? Transfimicide. We gotta stop this. He's like Johnny Cochraning it up. We gotta stop this outbreak of Transfimicide. A state of emergency.

Transfimicide. Yeah, just fuck Chicago, man. Fuck Chicago. It's gay. No, it's trans. Group found anti-trans violence. God, this flag looks fucking ugly. They actually put the stupid circle on it?

Put us ass for. it's for people who it's for asexuals so fat women you got gay black and the unfuckables brown and trans and then unfuckable fat women yeah here's your caste system right

they have the gays first and foremost and then they're like okay that's how much people would rather be around gay people this is the small amount of people who would rather be around and then the smaller like fuck it's just it looks so it looks hitty It looks like shit

Put some stringy hair on top of it That's what Put some stringy hair And a dress of like It looks like a fucking box It would look better Give it a Nerf gun Give it a

Magic the Gathering deck What the Manna Jesus The Mano wheel Okay That happened That happened

Something about Haitians. Man, I saw J.D. Vance on on Bill Mars show or something. He says, he said we were, he said, he said, like, Obama let in millions, or Biden let in millions of immigrants. And we were elected to get rid of some of them. And I went, uh, sorry, what? What was that word that you used? Uh, that's not what I voted for.

This should be the sum of them. Yeah. All of them. I voted for. We voted for all of them, you fucking traitor. Hang them both. I couldn't believe he said that. Hopefully he just got was scared by Bill Maher.

Yeah. And he just flubbed. The guy can't talk. I don't know why everyone always praises him for being an orator. He repeats words in the same sentence. He says everything like six times longer than it needs to be. That's tight, yeah. It's amazing.

people just love it he talks like a fucking cop like you know how they're like always proceeding to procure an establish of presence at the individual he fucking sounds like a cop it sounds so stupid

like bro just think about what you have to say he'd been reading I-Som again he does he talks like I-Som I'm stupid ass maybe I will read it'd be fine moms I like I kind of want to

like rip a verse backyard like what is that what's the backyard all about what's happening in the backyard who's got the entire catalog where's the rest of the house now too where there's got to be a kitchen somewhere if it's up to code right like the backyard is where moms is why do they say moms

do they still do that I don't know that had to be like a New York thing from like the late 80s yeah I got to talk to my moms me, I'm going to try and just start adopting the Cajun thing Remember when black people all talk like they were Cajun? Oh, ha, mon ami! That was their affect.

Go hard in the craziest direction. In the 60s, they would all talk Cajun. Yeah. Now you get fucking none of that, dude. Hello, my friends. There's no whimsy. Who wants to play me? Basketball.

Everyone wants to be all cool and hip with slang. It's like, no, no, no, take it back. Have yourself a coffee milk there, boss. Ask about your famine them, you know? It's as stupid as the other things that they do. Moms? Moms, yeah. What did it come from?

I'm going to look it up. Well, I call things joints all the time, too. I'm like, oh, shit, let me get one of those joints. Come from. the word mom didn't get it you're not using bluegle

that's your problem yeah do they have their own Google did we talk about this on the show but black planet is back black planet yeah oh yeah the Myspace for black people way back in the day

yeah there was that shoot off Asian Avenue but they brought back black planet they brought back Black Planet does it look cool? It looks a lot cooler. Kat, they like... Let's see.

Black Planet. Connect, create, empower. That's the blackest thing I've ever heard. I love it. They just love it fucking empowering, man. Oh, yeah. They love like a seminar. Well, that means money's getting exchanged. That means you paid to be there.

Oh, that means you're doing business? That means, look, I paid this guy 100 bucks for his seminar. Of course he's going to come shake my hand after. Tell me how great and smart I am. Black Planet aggregates. the most relevant news culture and community content curated by black journalists, creators,

news, voices you trust. Because they were trying to do a social network of like a while ago, but now they actually... Now it's just news. Now it's black news. It wasn't even that long,

like a few months ago, too. Oh, there you go. Entertainment culture. Oh. Oh, I have to subscribe. And I become a contributor. That's what I want to do. Okay.

It's a Google form. Oh, man. Where the fuck is the news? Nowhere. It's all just links back to the top. That's Obama. Are you sure this is the right place? Look up.

It had to have been. Planet. Social network, yeah. Pioneering social by Omar Wazelow and Benjamin's son. I wonder which one was which. Oh, is Black Planet's still a dating site? That's even funnier. still active. Yes, it's still active. It's pivoted.

Oh. Okay. Bummer. Well, because again, like, dude, a few months ago, I saw that they were like trying to like sign up today and then it turned to this when we just didn't like. Yeah. No one wants a black only social network, I guess. I do like the, there was another black news site that we stumbled on a while ago. Was that a hangouts, fucking clubhouse or whatever? That was basically black planet for a little bit. Was it? Yeah. people were obsessed with that

people just like talking on panel shows I don't know fucking why they're like or panel fucking Zoom calls like let's just get into 30 person Zoom call and like have one person talk and then you can talk and it's like And people watch that shit

I hate Well because that's what Clubhouse was Like when it first came out my friend I was like oh you got to check this out I check it out I was like I don't want to listen to some asshole talking about like you know the hypotenuse which space expands

I don't give a fuck about this Like, I just want to watch the same five fucking videos on YouTube to fall asleep too. Yeah. I don't get shit about this. Yeah, that's what I want to do. I want to see the same ass. I'll do the same speed run every time. Nothing different.

Okay. Anti-Semitic relationships are best friends. Oh, yeah, okay. That's kind of interesting, I guess. They had some study that said, Ozympic is making women's relationships last longer and be better. there was like a there was like a correlation of

of Zimpic use and like the amount of the length of a relationship and like when you live together that groundbreaking stuff and but that didn't exist for men the same correlation didn't exist for men but it did for women that is so dude you've been trying to tell them for I had to read it six times ago like

Oh, wait. So nobody wants to live with a fat bitch. Yeah, okay. Got it. I got it. I think that's what you're saying. Because they had to like church it up. Yeah. Science it up. Turns out fat women are absolute monster. So maybe a Zimphig will start advertising with that. That's funny. You want to land yourself a man? Yeah. Wow. That's the new love potion number nine, man. But then also, too, then you're weird for wanting to fuck a bobblehead ass bitch, too. They do look weird. Yeah, because the people that overdo it on Ozympic. But man, if the alternative is the bar that I was at yesterday, we got to drive around like the fucking crocodile hunter and shoot tranquilizer jars full of Ozimic in these bitches.

They are too fucking big. Way too big. Wearing the same shit they've always worn. Yeah. And it looks disgusting. There was maybe one or two skinny chicks out of 600 people. It's a shame. It is.

No furniture. They're pulling the stools out. Because they're dangerous. Yeah. That's when you find all the diamond plate shit. One fat bitch falls off a stool. They're all going down. You know, like Peewee's Big Adventure with the motorcycles.

Peewee's big bitch adventure? Peweewee's big bitch adventure. were they all large marge yeah that's what it was larger marge instead of doing that ah face he's just like oh

yikes check it out um relationships okay when asked about the archetype of relationship people are looking for the vast majority chose best friends

twice as many women wanted a trophy wife dynamic as men. Yeah. I bet. I'm sure. And the other ones didn't understand the question. I thought it'd be 100% on that one, yeah. Right. Twice as many women.

Okay, here's the survey. Out of 100 daters. No, this is not 100. This is like thousands of people. That's a fucking... The fuck... Okay, the survey says, best friends,

57%... About 57% on both sides voted for best friends. Why the... Why wouldn't you put a normal answer? Here's the options. Best friends, partners in crime. So that's all the Korkchungas is.

Traditional roles. Oh, that's the normal answer. Okay. Power couple. Shitheads. insufferable people insufferable people yeah intellectual sparring

midwits artist muse oh god pretentious assholes also midwits yeah husband trophy wife douchebags

uh whores wife wife trophy husband what is what was that for teacher student what the hell pedophiles yeah what the fuck no one picked that one

and then it's like it's mostly best friends okay traditional roles okay so it's mostly best friends and then like 10% Reddit partners in crime and about the same

traditional roles wow there's a lot of not many traditional roles power couple power couple women interpret that it to mean gold digger as well I think

they picked it more than the men did and then yeah husband and trophy wife a lot of trophy wives here what do you think the average weight of these responses not enough to fucking warrant

those responses or too much to warrant those but probably probably approaching uh I think whatever the sample size is is their weight so 8.41

that's probably what she wears. Best friends Yeah that's what That's a total normal answer Totally normal answer What are you looking for in a relationship? Oh best friends definitely That sounds like hell

Describe your wife A best friend What the fuck let this weirdo in yeah you let your best friend jerk you off fucking creep weirdo

matter of fact we shouldn't even be regular friends anymore get the fuck out of my house am I sending my wife racist memes no so am I making them to send to her

no yeah best friend yeah best friend fucking weird ass yeah like get you some friends actually get some real friends why don't you

what happened to this world man I don't know man in the words fucking the great OG ghost God I hope he's dead but it's the busification of this great nation

that fucking it's hitting us man never thought I'd see the day go out go out and meet yourself your best friend how about go mow your own fucking yard

go like go do something with your fucking all right stupid ass life the loks said I heard that bungee girl in Brazil wasn't an accident she was really annoying oh maybe oh we got a fat watch here okay there we go

Phil Ramos sends this one in oh whoa whoa god damn this is a This is a woman.

She's got the front butt going with a pair of cut off denim jeans. She looks like one of those enemies from Donkey Kong with the fucking military hats on. The little helmet that you got to stomp on with D.K. Yeah. She looks like a female Peter Griffin with the glasses and the face that's going, yeah. Let's see. How much do you weigh? What?

How much do you think I weigh? Can we get a spin? God damn What is she wearing She's wearing cowboy boots You see that? Jesus Somebody sold her those boots

That person should be in prison Someone sold her those Fucking shorts man That's crazy This bitch is wearing maternity How do they measure How do they get a measurement for this Do you know what I'm saying?

I think that's like Fucking maternity pants Or some shit Because there's no way She's pregnant with cheeseburgers This is a This is a This is a fupa, man.

Imagine that you're a fat bitch getting fat and it's just boom, fupa time. First thing. Wow. This is ponderous. And she's got some nice tattoos on our thighs. You've got to show those off. Okay.

About 250? 250? I'm below that. How much? Like 2.30? 2.30. Damn. What?

What is? your mind makes you think that you can pick her up somehow your legs go up, your way says one in the World Cup? No, it's not. Okay, now they're just flirting. Yeah, that guy wants to fuck a fat bitch.

Be careful, young man. You're going to get yourself into trouble. You're going to joke your way into those Fupa pants. You're going to joke your way into a free rent. You're going to joke your way into becoming her next meal. Gwimbley says

Johnny needs to be executed. He always brings in the grossest thing imaginable as the last video to leave the audience with. Gwimley, I highly agree with you on both counts. Coof sent this in. Oh, it's a Maddox tweet. Oh, this ought to be good.

It's a graph. Classic Maddox. We're in for a banter, dude. Banger episode and a banger video. Maddox says the likelihood of Elon Musk's autocomplete suggesting the N-word over time. And then that's what he's titled the video

also. It's also on the video and the video is of a graph. In 2012 it's at 1%. If it doesn't just go like a square wave where it's from zero to 100 then it's not going to be funny. It's starting in 2012. So we've got a... If this is going to do what I think it's going to do, we've got a long way to go. First of all, he figured out how to do time graphs.

Has he been gathering this data in real time since 2012? That's why it's taking him so long? Okay, Ladx. Let's see. And it's climbing through 2013 and 2014, the line. Now it's back down to 1%. It climbed to 5%. Now it's at 1%. Now it's sinking lower and the number's not changing from 1%.

Now 2019, it's going up to 5%. Is this? Rividing. This is good stuff, man. Basically, the number is at one and it's staying very low for all these years. And now 2020, it jumped up to 16%. I don't know why. Now, in 2021, it's at 38% of likelihood of Elon Musk.

suggesting the N-word. Now it's at 50. Oh, and then he's superimposed Elon Musk's Nazi salute at 52%. Oh, I get it. 110%? 2025. At the peak of the Nazi. Now it's at 110% as a flat line.

In 2026. Wow. He made that I think this guy's a future in comedy man That's pretty fucking funny It's pretty fucking funny man Dude he wrote the fucking got everybody with that one I love

Math man Dude I fucking love graphs I fucking love science man I fucking love science 110% get it Is that what he spends his day doing Waiting for his computer to render all those fucking backgrounds

God damn What's he going to do if his hard drive crashes He's done He's fucking done He can't buy a new one I don't know Yeah You think Maddox is just mad that every time

He's gone to type it it didn't auto correct For him It did it did what That it didn't auto correct for him So he's like look I've been typing it since 2012 And every hundred times I'd type it in Then it would finally auto correct but then

woman alert woman alert oh the lawn an Amazon delivery driver was caught and came right driving across a homeowner's lawn okay

oh god did you see that woman cop shoot the yeah we gotta watch that that was so crazy okay a woman has driven the Amazon delivery driver has driven onto the lawn

of their house like giant lawn and there's this driveway here Jesus Christ Doesn't it seem recently Like the Amazon delivery people have gotten a little sloppier Dude You know what some new side hustles are

Is getting a U-Haul Or no, a Home Depot truck Rent it for like 20 bucks a day Really? And then run Amazon Because I was like, why is this fucking Home Depot As fucking van like pulling up

and you see a lady get out like that delivering pan out. I was like, get the fuck out of here. It started where it was like the Amazon truck. Yeah. And then a guy would, and a sharp looking, you know, a little outfit would jump out and drop your packages off. But every once in a while

You see people's like actual cars and it's like, don't drop my shit off and you're busted ass fucking terselle. Yeah. Fucking Tersell. Show up in a corolla at least. Come on. Yeah, I don't like it. But I guess it's the future. Okay, that's a good one Let's see the shooting

Where was that? Um, Pornhub shooting Wasn't it? Such fucking insane Yeah, rampaging Incel gunman killed a police officer

before being gunned down during an ambush shooting at a Montreal grocery store on Monday. Wait, is this the one? Oh no, That's not the Pasadena ones. That's a different. You sure?

Yeah. Where was the one where a woman cop showed up? That was the Pasadena police. What? Really? Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah.

A cop shoots pedestrian. Oh, pedestrian. I thought you were talking about when she shoots the other cop. No, it was a Canadian. It was that one. Okay. A Canadian cop shoots a civilian and he doesn't resemble a suspect in any way. The male...

Too many shootings, man. Where is it happening? Oh, that looks like a... Oh, geez! Took one for the team right there. Do they show it? I don't know. Okay, he's running.

Shooter's running. Guys, what the fuck? He's just shooting the cops. Yeah. There's no dead person yet. Holy shit. What the hell? They just appeared.

Oh my God. Oh, my God. Is that the, that's gotta be the, I don't know. This is such a colossal fuck up. The female cop just starts shooting a fleeing bystander. Yeah, where? Dang it. This should be a woman alert.

Yeah. Oh, there, right there. What? God damn. Oh, oopsie. I had a little oopsie. Oh my God. Let's see it.

Oh my God. Jesus. Man. Bro, you got to be fucking running out of there. Not creeping around. Whew. I mean, what are your, what are you even thinking if you're,

shootout is one thing, but you see a woman carrying a gun around? Hide. Get. Protect your neck, man. You got to be down, down. You got to get down. right wherever you are

play dead pretend you already got shot take your clothes off shoot one wanna look at that that's a really shoot you yeah shoot your dick right off man damn oh hey what's going on they're too jumpy man

they're just way it's totally retarded oh god okay All right, I think that's all I got. Let's do some voice mails and then we'll see what Johnny wants to make us throw up to today. Does she get fired?

The woman cop? Did she get a promotion? Got one of them. You're probably thinking, fuck, I hope he's a shooter. I'm going somehow. Are people defending this shooting? A woman shoots bystander trying to escape. Immediately gets shot.

Oh, she got, she also got shot. Okay. What, what, what, what, oh, shoot, I got distracted. Bapapapapapapah. Get out of here. Hey, Dick, I just graduated law school, and I feel like I need to call in to explain what's happening with

Berkeley having a third of their people being retarded. So for law school and the bar exam if you say you have some sort of disability, you get like one and a half time to take all of your tests. By getting an hour, you get an hour and a half

if you say you have a disability. And fucking anything qualifies. You can say you have ADHD. One of my friends said, light hurts their eyes and they about one and a half times. Literally anything you can qualify as

hey, I'm fucking retarded, you get extra time on every exam. But some of us are too retarded to even call in and say, hey, I'm retarded. Yeah, you all got to do it. Or does the time not matter? Like,

much time do you need to take a stupid test? It takes an hour to do a test when you're retarded. Yeah, dumb. Give them an extra half hour. It's law school. So it's just, it's just bullshit. Yeah.

It's like, oh, this guy fucking stole a potato. What's the, what's a legal defense? A, cram it up his ass. B, shoot him. C. Report it. We all see in TV. You know, we know how law works.

Just like people, people bullshitting to retards. Yeah. You just got to slam your hands down on the thing and be like, I don't agree with that. Everyone knows who's guilty. What's the point of it? It's dumb.

Explaining it to people who are fucking... Planning it to people who are... Talking to their computer best friend all day. Total idiot. Trying to explain concepts to them that they're never going to fit in their brain. That's... Like, crime...

The concepts of crime and punishment. Okay, retards. I'm gonna... Here's... Like, this whole point of this is to punish criminals. Just so you know. yeah they don't they don't get it man

here's the law school test here's a picture of a jury which how many of these people are stupid as shit all of them explain this concept to this fucking moron who doesn't understand it good luck

good luck explain why you can't steal a potato to this stupid fuck who doesn't get it who steals potatoes all the time exactly explain why it's bad Dick, Johnny, how the fuck are you to?

Podcast, Brodity, Holy Spirit, is speaking through me. And I also feel like I'm speaking for everyone in the Dickaverse or whatever you want to call it, all the dickheads and all the creepos from the creep ball. And any random fucking guy you have that joins the group next time, when are we getting another weight washers, man? It's a far too long. You know, no pressure, I don't want to rush you. I know you got a kid and wifey and all that.

stuff but I tell you what we would all fucking appreciate one more wave watchers we do gotta do you love you thank you back you bye that was a great voicemail from a podcast profit actually a rare turn of events it's a good one thank you podcast

prophet so jibb so johnny I was calling and tell you what this is me off today is when you forget that you have a pair of shorts or pants that's a zipper just the fly you know just comes down all in its own.

And like the last time you wore it, you shoved it in the back of the door, and you think of yourself like, oh, like, you know, and then the next time you pull it out of me, you think like, oh, it won't happen again. It was just a fluke, but every time, every time it happened.

It was even worse, right? It's like, someone will make like a weird face because, like, and you realize, like, oh, fuck, my zipper's down. And it's like, people are just afraid now to tell you like, hey, dude, your zipper's down. and I think it's gayer to not tell someone the zippers down

because then there's a chance that a cock will come out and then like what if your wife's around or what if a fucking kid is around like you know you just creates more problems anyways this guy you need to wear a belt that's why your pants are falling out this is a very coded voicemail yeah

get new pants nah don't don't tell people their flies down it's funny when someone's flies down put a kick me sign on his back instead Yeah. Yeah. Tell them, hey, a lot of people at this party are trying to play tricks

and tell people that their flies down when it's not. And if you look, even right now, someone, a little goblin will come and punch you in the wiener. Do that thing where you go like this and put it right above your, you know, just do that all day. And if someone's trying to look at your down-ass fly, fucking deck them. Holy shit, I got a fuck.

I got what's pisses you all. off, me off, it pisses me off. Um, fuck, mechanics, dude. Holy shit. My girl had a fucking flat tire. I changed her tire. She takes it to Mavis the next day. The fucking mechanic tells her, hey, who

changed your tire? She was my boyfriend, and they go, oh, he put the lugnus on backwards. What? Like, force a fucking lug nut on the opposite fucking direction? I am

fucking retarded. Dude, these guys just fucking say things. I fucking just did the opposite of what I did to take it off. I didn't put anything on fucking back. Yeah, but was there a little... Holy shit, dude. You just come in there like, holy fuck, bud. Your engine's upside down.

Like, what the... Do you think I'm fucking retarded? Can you put a lug nut on backwards? He did. Aren't they exactly the same? did he put him on backwards he put it on backwards he would have did it right he would have got the fucking admonishment

from a train professional dude was there like a flat piece on one side how did you put it on with like pliers he'd been like this he did tune in Tokyo the whole time that is so fucking annoying though

because they do just say shit like that they do say yeah it's like get fucked just just Fix it. Was that necessary? Do I need to know this information? A lugnuts in your fucking ass and it's a piece of shit.

A lug nut on your cock, you piece of shit. Shove it in your eyes. You should have just like taken your car back or taking your girlfriend's car and run him over with it. Yeah, run over the mechanic store. Be like, I don't know. Tire fucking works pretty good to me. Now I got to know.

If you can put up, if that's even possible. Dick's typing and did this. shit head put on lug nuts. Lugnots on backwards. Inverted. Okay, I know about the flat side. We all know about the flat side of the lug nuts, but how can you even put it on with the flat side going the wrong way?

He just reversed threaded it like a mother. He really meant putting those on. Huh. I don't, left hand reverse threads. But that, you can't put a thread on backwards. What the fuck are you talking about?

Well You think this guy just monster Mashed his way through it? Maybe Hey Dick Hey Jonathan That's your heights thing Dude

That's totally valid Um Probably because I also Like turned to a big badass Recently I mean I'm not feto heavy But I'm heavier Anyway

I used to go Indoor rock climbing Me in the White all the time And a couple years ago It wasn't a problem Why we'd scale the highest fucking thing there is and you get the little bungee on you

and you're good and just bounce down. I went like maybe four months ago and the fucking fear that set in like maybe irrational fear when I'm like a quarter of the way up even though I know I've got the safety apparatus on me like I don't know what happened to men but that fear of heights

is real. Careful day. Well mine wasn't an irrational fear. If you're clipped in but if you fall at the changeover you're still gonna eat shit you're falling 10 feet and then you're getting

whipped by a bungee strapped to your hips you're getting whipped into the fucking mountain probably break all your teeth out of your fucking head falling on one of these stupid staples is a very rational fear

like that scene from Everest when the fucking clip comes out and they fucking you're climbing a fucking rock climbing wall there's not nothing to fear you totally strapped in yeah just the employee who works there don't think you're fucking retarded oh man

maybe I would be afraid of that too well you don't want to like it's like going go-karting right you think it's fun and then when you realize like the assholes who work there who just put in fucking hours into this shit are watching you going look at this fucking fat piece of shit suck at go-carts

how to even drive over John is brave my fear is as rational Yours is not. It's fashionable with him. Yeah. Oh man. So Dick, this week in Brain Rot,

I know last week was so disgusting because a lot of people, not just Gwimbley, but a lot of people reach out and we're like, I hope you fucking die when you're awake. I could see that.

Eat shit and live, all that classic shit. But, so this one is enterprising minds, Dick. Okay. What will they think of to sell next? So here we have a mini snack bar.

And for 45, stick. There is a rotating I don't know what the fuck it originally was with that's been sticker wrapped. Wait a minute. It looks like a little temple. Wooden temple with

Sonic versus Shadow. It's got Oreos, cook Oreos and a lemonade. And is this their like kid? Yeah. So she makes these for your kid for 45 bucks. Christ. And if you've, I read the comments, and for extra 15, she'll include those snacks, too. So you're a kid could have a rotating snack bar of a fucking AI version of themselves with fucking Sonic the hedgehog.

Pump to brakes on that Sonic shit. If your kid's exhibiting a Sonic fascination. Yeah, if your kids can't break away from the iPad, you stay away from Sonic. But man. Sticker wrapping a little wooden. snack tray? Like a $5 thing from fucking home goods or some shit that you put candles in? Like

you got too much money man. 45 bucks for this shit. How are how are they getting this money? Get your, stop that. Get your kid two juice boxes and three kid cats and I'm like, what the fuck? Why does your kid need a snack

bar? Snacks are not included. I only put snacks on this one to show you what you can use the mini bar for. Oh, okay. Thanks. Yeah, a mini bar for your kid. Get your kid accustomed to having a mini bar around. And then everybody's like, I want the snacks too. I'm not

buying since there's snacks, since there's snacks included. I'll reconsider if you decide to remove them. I thought the snacks were included. Everybody's clowning on the snacks. Good deal if it includes the snacks. Are the snacks included wasn't clear. Yeah, everyone's just fucking

frying. Are the snacks included? Every single comment. Will the snacks be included for chance? You got snacks in there? Let me get those. Spinning bass included? Can you include the snacks? Yes or no?

I love seeing those comments. Ooh, I've been looking for someone who sells snacks. I'll hit you up, but I'm hungry. That's just, man. What else is this trick making? It's just abysmal. Oh, she just makes these stupid snacks things? Well, mini bars, but then that's a mini bar.

are for your kids now. Who the fuck is buying this crap? Yeah. What is... Sip, smoke, repeat? Who the fuck is Drew? Well, is that the guy? Look at fucking...

Some broke-ass butt. This guy drew a snack bar with sip, smoke, and repeat. Do you think the shot glasses are included? I hope so. Custom made for 45 bucks. I'm like, I wouldn't pay fucking five cents for that. We'd destroy

this if someone sent it to me. It's just like a fucking man. And they're all exactly the same. Yeah, it's the same thing. It's the same shit every fucking time. Like, Packers. What a piece of garbage. Go pack, go all

stretched out like a street sign. Yeah. Look at this. You can't read that. Fucking abysmal. what are you even going to put in that? Like what it's just so Again like the vinyl wrapped coffins I was like that's

That's almost a bridge too far But I'm like what is even going on it? What is this? Or some shit Just a box Okay Uh oh Okay

Okay it's like a graduation Wait a minute How old is that kid? He's graduating like Pre-end graduate. Get the fuck out of here. Man, I'll sell you anything.

I'll sell you this cut water. Get custom stickers for your cut water. China dreams of this level of copyright infringement. Custom cut water label. And they kept the cut water on there. Right. Is this reusable? No, she probably just prints them up at fucking FedEx office and the fuck calls it there.

I love the spinning. base. God, what kind of a person has a picture of themselves on their cut water? I think it shows in the picture. Oh, custom air freshener. Did she like get a creakut machine and just

decide to go nuts with it? Little trees. Eight bucks. Eight dollar air freshener. Jesus. That's almost half my monthly subscription. This is like black vista print. We're looking at.

custom Doritos In a fucking Blister pack That's the top of a fucking Dude that's the top of a cookie thing from the store Like a cake tray Place of order for the evening Oh it is

The like all the ridges are It's like when you get like a pre-made like cornbread Yeah yeah yeah he raised I got the activity sheet on the back of it This is she's got a blister pack And you can color on it With fucking candy that all tastes like shit I mean, is this a good idea?

Maybe. I don't think you're allowed to do that, though. Like, sell these individually. With Disney shit all over it? I'm going to go ahead and say, I was really the fuck. I appreciate it, Your Barness. Who's your Doritos in your skin and a fucking candy cane?

Disney shit all over it. Fucking crazy. 20 bucks for that, dude. Where did she get these? This coloring thing. Fucking. This is... Dude.

I'm telling you, when I, like, I did a quick scroll through his page. I was like, Jesus Christ, but this is like... What the fuck is this thing?

A baby in a carriage. Okay. Oriental Trading Company ain't got shit on this lady. This is just a baby carriage. That she made out of like different punch bowls and like, the wheels are like the baby's face in it. If you need party favors.

She made a little. her own Capri Sun labels. She's just she labels everything. That's her deal. She's just, it's a label on everything. Lady white label over here.

Oh, brand new size eight fake diamond ring. Okay. That was where the divorce happened. Yeah. Okay, so this is called Coming to a Guamar near you. Okay.

And if you live out here, Guamar is how Mexicans pronounce Walmart. Yeah. So this is a Zumba class in the middle of fucking Walmart. And as to be expected, they're all fat Mexican This is what Zumba is? Oh yeah, I see Zumba.

You have to wear a Zumba? You have to. On your shirt? Do they lose any weight doing this? No, they just get to go be loud. In Walmart. Yeah, in a Walmart. I'll never forget

going to Walmart during COVID. and a fucking similar display to this. I'll bring the video in sometime. But they brought in a fucking mariachi band playing horns during COVID when they're like, you can't stand it's six feet apart

and it's like, well, horns blow fucking debris and shit up to 350 feet away. What the fuck is this about? Oh, this is just some ladies page. But yeah, that came across my feet. I'm like, oh, fuck. This is called Sci Hard.

Okay. Oh, God. You both the term. Heck, yeah. Good morning. one, I want to talk to you about the term, hex, yes. Now, if you text with me, or have been around me in any

fashion, you've probably heard me use this term. It's kind of like saying, heck, yes. But instead, it's using the word, heck, because it's fun and cooey and whimsical. I want you to use it, too. I'm trying to make it like popular, but, like, not get credit for it. I just want to spread it around. It's kind of like spreading my magic. So go ahead. Use the term

hex yes, because you deserve it. But you might be asking yourself, leave. Is hex yes right for me? Hex yes can be used by anyone, not just pagans and witches and druids and all as fine folks use it if you really feel like using the term hex yes it's yours ask your local bard if using hex yes is right for you bard good morning everyone i want this whole video made me so fucking sick dude watched it once and was like oh boy what a weirdo a bard of the plains and forests playing

a blend of traditional and modern folk with pagan vibes and druidic inspiration Anytime I see any of those words anywhere. Just a big fucking retard sign flashes in my mind. Is this guy gay? You better be gay acting like this. Well, I'm surprised I was even to question your mind. He wrote Bard in his thing. That's all you need to know.

But man. God, what a weirdo. Fucking. Oh, he's doing a performance here. There's no red port left. That's the same, right? So this way is port. To you, this.

way is pork to me this way is port is a stand-of comedian? I don't know what way is poor I'll figure it out as it go along okay you can play he can play the thing he's playing but that's like

I wish that was all he did yeah this last clip though Dick I think you're really gonna love it it's called when pigs fly I have tired of this better not be gross no this is a good one so this yeah definitely get the audio

Okay, we've got a woman in a giant inflatable slide. What the hell? He's grabbing this woman. He grabbed her by the ankle. By the ankle. He just grabbed her around. Yeah. And she's got an airbrushed SpongeBob shirt on.

God That's coming out. Just another day. Just another Mexico. Yep. Yeah, look at that SpongeBob shirt.

Where does one get an airbrushed SpongeBob shirt? Swat me. Swat me. The only answer, man. But dude, I just saw that one.

It's like, oh, shit. So that might be our solution. You centerfuge these fat bishops. Yeah. lasso them and then start spinning them around until they're skinny. Separate the fat out of them, yeah. So there's something a little more lighthearted but heavy-bodied.

Man, that would be fun. Spin one around. Pick up your local tortoise fucking spin her ass around. You got to flirt with her a little bit. It's like, hey, you want to do something really like crazy? You want to go get an ultimate cheeseburger after this shit? Like what? And then fucking spin her ass around.

So you can't do it. do anything once you're being spun around. Well, yeah, and he picks her up by one ankle, too, because he has the camera. I'm like, oh, shit. This motherfucker's got a grip. Like, oh, damn. But yeah.

I'm just going to picture that now, and I see fat women. New method unlocked. Spin that bitch around. Fucking, you know, get your physics in for the day, kids. Okay. All right, that's it, everybody. Patreon.com slash the dick show. Let's see you next week.

See ya.