The Dick Show - Episode 516 - Dick on The Sandwich Thief

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

A man steals a sandwich, I get a coloring book, Lindsey Graham dies, my hose breaks my house, annoying sayings, and a comedy festival for geriatrics; all that and more on this episode of The Dick Show!

Pro Tools, man. Fucking indexer. I wish I could find the Indian that vibe coded the indexer on the MacBook and just beat his ass. I wish I could beat the train that runs his ass over. Take this, you fucking prick.

I'm going to go in disguise, brown myself up, go to India, get a job in Hyderabad or whatever that city is. Get a job with Slinkmar. Do you think... There's like an evil Thomas the tank engine? Just just like Mo and Indian?

No, it's Indians down. He's like bloodthirsty for him. He's Tomas, the tank. The tank Indian. Thomas Singh, fucking the tank engine, G. Now it's out of my hands.

Now all the streaming is out of my fucking hands. Unless Antoids is around somewhere talking shit. I bet you he's got a nice comment for us. Brand new keyboard. It's already broken. Brand new fucking keyboard. Man, that other one was a beautiful gem.

That was good. fucking buttons leapt up like frogs you know bha bha on a dynamite pond if I spilled one measly beer on it done keyboard stuck they build these things with the tolerances of like an astec pyramid or regular pyramid i mean aztecs weren't

asexic pyramids were fucking eyeballed by mexicans there's no kind of tolerance they're like k yeah qual it's called however it settles is what you get they didn't even make the rocks sharp Aztec pyramids are like wonky granger year

dude you bring up a good point though because so much shit feels like it's made for display use only yeah because it looks good in like pictures and stuff and then you go like

type on it whatever and you're like this is just a hollow piece of shitty thin plastic I'm gonna type through this fucking thing I don't want to baby my fucking electronics

and switches like they're meant to be abused did you say that Lindsay Graham died was it you that brought that up Yeah, I did say dead Oh man, what a beautiful day

That fucker is dead Boomer and asshole Dead, oh Amazing He's giving rim jobs in hell now He's getting his ass licked by Satan With his little ladybug moles On his taint

He's getting his ass licked by Satan now Burning in hell Ah, what a great day I knew it was gonna be I knew something good was gonna happen Uh Because I saw this beautiful Prostitute

walking down the street near my house down on San Fernando, not near my house, but you know. Yeah, that's pretty far away. Near my liquor store. Right. I give you that. I saw this beautiful, beautiful black prostitute. I said, honey, look.

I said, Donnie, look. It's your first prostitute siding. Look at this. They don't usually look like that. This is a really, this is a magical unicorn. Look at this beautiful black prostitute. Just huffing it, man. walking down San Fernando

Boulevard Not trolling for tricks I don't think It was like It was hot It was blazing hot It was like a mirage I was like Lawrence of Arabia I was hot in the car

You know with the air on All three of us gawking at this beautiful Black prostitute It went Relatively speaking Relatively speaking You know I'm not getting all Robert De Niro

On everybody here Just relatively speaking Have you seen his little acorn-headed kid? Robert De Niro? I heard about that. What a fucking weird looking fuck. Well, it's like there's like a good Denny's and a bad Denny's, right? Robert Seniro had the bad Denny's.

Yeah. It's like... Tiger Woods, Robert De Niro's kid, bad Denny's. Lenny Kravitz, good Denny's, right? Good Denny's. That's how it works. Beautiful black prostities. I said, something's good's going to happen.

Honey? I said, she goes, I know I see it. I said, something is good is going to happen. And then boom, Lindsay Graham. Dead burning in hell. Woo-hoo! Choo-choo, motherfucker! Thomas the Tank Engine is coming through.

Engine, I-N-J-U-N. Flatten you fuckers. American Indian. I want to see like an old-school, like Hannah Barbarra-style crossover of like our engines and like Asian Indians. Yeah, Chief shit's in the street.

Yeah. Then they finally meet each other. Yeah. And being like, wait, you think we're them? Like, what the fuck? Can we come up with a new name? I was really upset about it. Like, wait a sec.

This is what you worked using us of being this whole time? Like, get the fuck out of here. I knew it was going to be a good day. And it is. Who's next? Mitch McConnell, maybe he will die. I don't get all. It's really, it's really pissing me off.

It's really making me a rage. This continued, this continued pretense of like not celebrating death I don't even I don't even know who these people are pretending for that they're good that these are bad people

not only are they bad people but shouldn't you assholes like should you be thrilled that this homosexual gets to go meet and hang out with God shouldn't you guys be like shouldn't you guys be happy when one of you gets killed shouldn't you be like hooray someone gets to go to God awesome. Right.

Shouldn't that, why are you guys not like? If there was even a tiny little cut hair of a chance that somebody I knew died and gets to go to heaven eternal and life everlasting, I'd be fucking thrilled.

You're telling me there's a one and a billion chance that they would get to go experience life everlasting with our Lord and Creator? I'd be fucking thrilled when they died. Yeha! Because I'm a glass is

one billionth of a percent full kind of guy. I'm not a serial murderer. I was actually just trying to send people to heaven, you see. That's too far. Right. But still. Still. Still.

I wasn't trying to shoot him because I was mad at him. I was just excited to send him to his crusader. I just wanted to send him back to heaven. But that's like a true believer. I mean, honestly, it's more of a believer than like, you know, it's a sad day. Like, why is it sad then? What are you guys going to church every week for? What do you want him stuck around on earth

sucking? Earth fucking sucks. Doing gay shit. That's why God says you can't kill yourself. He knows it sucks. It's like the rule. He wants as much time away from you as possible. You're in time out.

That's why you're not allowed to kill yourself. It doesn't make any goddamn sense. Ah. But it does make sense that fucking bastard's dead. All right. Let's do the show. It's late. I got a lot to complain about.

Awesome. Man, I've just been like, Mr. This song, this, oh, this, the song's going. Yeah! Hi, welcome to Dick. You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick. You got it.

The showroom's a cut to be live from a mountain, Bliggler. Pride of the City of Failure. I'm your host, Stigmasters, aka the $20 million band. Joining me as always is Johnny the audio engineer. How you doing? Dude, I'm good, man. You're good. Everyone's good.

We're all good. We're all good. How are you? The fuck, the side questification of my mind. my life. That's real. It's just really, man, the tortification of the world and the side

questification of my life, this this fat torto, this big fat tortoise in Home Depot, this was the peak of my Saturday. I'm angrily checking out a hose

at Home Depot and a hose like caddy. You know those things that wind the hose up? Oh, I thought you were talking about the hose. You and my cock? Do you mean? No, like scoping out the hose. Oh, I was scoping out the hose?

The hose, yeah. Well, you can't miss them because they're at Home Depot. You can't miss the hose because they're the size of an RV. Yeah, they're in the contractor department. Dude. It looks like a hot rod show at Home Depot, except it's all fat chicks waddling down the aisle like they're in the Avengers

or they're in a few good men like few good men widescreen edition wide fat Mexican like the hidden figure figures poster but Latina God

it's just it's unreal it's unreal dude they're cracking the cement at home you know Home Depot has that nice cement that they lay

they're cracking the foundations I swear I looked around where these fat so as we're walking. There's a big encumbrance of fat women. By the way, new weight watchers. Next week, we're doing a bonus episode on Thursday. It's a desperate attempt to get more subscribers after

after I destroyed the biggest problem show. I need the money back. I desperately need the money back. So there will be bonus episode after half-assed bonus episode. Justin is going to be doing some clips from the best debate. Sweet. We can get drunk off O'Doole

with him again. Oh man. I hope O'Dules gives you like a stomach eating disease. I hope O'Dul's makes a hot batch one day and you relapse. That's what the noid was doing. He was spiking pizzas. He was putting fucking fentanyl in them to cause mass relapses. Avoid the noiter

you'll get the slump. So that'll be good. We haven't done in wait watches in a long time. And they've been getting fatter. I got some clips for Weight Watchers, man. you're not going to want to miss it I was following this encumbrance of tortoise

fat Mexican women tortoise through Home Depot in the fucking clip clopping of their hooves they're like chipping the cement as they're walking down the center aisle they're walking down the center aisle

like they're hitting the club dude they're walking in like a flying V you know like the mighty ducks they're going to be the reason that Home Depot has a door charge. Maybe these contractors like it, but I don't. I don't think they do either. I think they

would take anything. Give it five years and the forklifts that they used to restock the place will be what the fat bitches right around on for the scumers. They used the gate. They closed the gate, you know? Your stuff's always behind, the stuff you want to look at is always behind the gate, right? So they had that gate

closed and I was like, oh, what do they? you know moving pallets around over here and the guy's like no one of the one of the tortoise fell over and I looked down and sure enough there was I thought it was a couch that had fallen off the top and I'm like that's odd they don't sell couches at Home Depot and it was a fat Latino woman on her back and I thought she was waving her arms in the air but it was just a little baby had a child had fallen under her trapped her she trapped it and he was waving his arms around um to get ready for my son's magical birthday party.

His first magical wonderful birthday party. That's right. Next week, he's going to be one years old. We're doing a proper Mexican birthday party or what? And if my wife says the phrase, the days are long, but the years are fast one more time, I'm gonna kill her. Dog, it's like every summer

when you have to hear that fucking saffy-ass green day song for like high school graduation type shit, It's like just don't Johnny fucking Some Some asshole Wrote that on our We had like a big

Big piece of paper That everyone was signing at our wedding That's right And some asshole wrote Enjoy your kid The days are The nights are long But the years are fast

And I read it at the time And I was like No please God no I was like Salieri Oh no Oh my wife was like Salieri was like sallieri i'm she's like oh this is the mother is the greatest thing i'm gonna say this

fucking praise did your dad write it as a joke if he did i'll kill him he's just like well you know that's like a thing you say i'm gonna sneak into his house and rig his air conditioning so it's on all the time and then he'll be so enraged by that he'll simply die air fry him

he called me he called me this week he said the air's fixed I said oh yeah I heard your stupid show the air is fixed I said, what was it? He goes, there was a kink in the hose or something wrong, a fuse or something. I said, what do you mean or something? What do you mean?

What do you mean? What do you mean? It was a kink in the hose or something. This is why none of your shit works. This is why none of your shit works. My house is fucking perfect. I got the sun cooling my house down. Ultimate, ultimate reversy card.

I got free fucking energy from God that's cooling my fucking house down. I love that shit. They tell us to turn your AC down for the grid. I'm like, what grade, bitch? Fuck you, bitch! I got a big golden goose egg on an app of mine that tells me how much free shit I get. Yeah.

Fuck you. That's cool. He sent me a picture he's got like a meat thermometer. He had a meat thermometer in my room, the room where I always sleep. 73, I said, how long did that take? And he goes, don't worry about it. Because he was saying it took four hours, you know, the cool down. I was like, get the fuck out of here.

What is he living like? why if we got to go up there right now before it breaks again right you know we got to go like enjoy because it's going to break again i don't know why well because he's going to do the setting wrong oh yeah he said they were right they told me i was right about the thing and i's like i have i have no faith that you explained what your original side of the argument was you probably explained your side yeah yeah i think that was two guys going yeah yeah the the perfect improv comedians are uh men over 60 who sit there and go yeah yeah yeah yeah and then just say whatever they were whatever they thought yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then the other one

yeah they both once they leave they both like point their thumb over their shoulder this fucking idiot That's what we are. I'm glad you guys said. I'm glad you got your hair fixed. That's the kind of shit, man. My wife said I can't have a two-story bong, uh, beer bong. Damn. At the party at my son's party.

I said, I bullshit. What do you mean? What do you mean can't? Two-story regular bong, though? Definitely not regular bong, though. Damn it. Beer. Said I can have a keg, though, right?

It's a one story. Beerbox is really long. It's just like a... I don't want to do it off the roof. I just want to do it off the balcony. We should do it from the roof to the bottom of the canyon. 80 foot... Dude, that would be fucking awesome.

You would be so shit-housed by the time you got to the bottom of that. It would blow the back. I'd look like Charlie Kirk. Down at the bottom of my ravine, I'd be down there. And then it would blow through the back of my neck. Like the 308 that killed Charlie Kirkulous. Charles Kirk.

Charles Kirk, man of God. He's, now he's at business with God. Isn't that great? Isn't that fucking great? Don't you want him to be with God? Fucking assholes. I just didn't want to see him go to God. I just wanted him to go be with him.

Tyler Kirk, Tyler, whatever his name is. Tea fucker. You should be celebrated. Put him on a fucking, put him on a T-Bunker. T-P-U-S-A shirt. Who, who, yep, yep, hooray. Putting the T-P-U-S-A. To meet Jesus Christ.

Dumb fucks? Stupid-ass, stupid-c... Anyway. So this tour at Home Depot, so I'm in charge of cleaning up the deck because I mess it up. I gotta ask,

doing what? Just having all the stuff in the studio out there. And they were fixing the line. I was fixing the air. I panicked and just threw everything out in the, out in the rain. All of Vito's booty threw it. I threw all this stuff.

No, I'm just kidding. It's all still good. I think someone lost a little more hair thinking about that. You know what I learned this week? Man, I'm really doing a good job telling the story. This is really incredible job. What did you learn this week? We were at my wife and my son and I,

I were at Tam O'S shantors. Oh yeah. The restaurant. Right? I always make fun of it because I'm like whoever came up

with this place must have been like a real Disneyland fan because it looks like Disneyland shit. It looks like a Disneyland shit. Like a little cabin and stuff looks exactly like it was lifted

out of snow white. So this weirdo waiter comes over like John Tuturo and Mr. Deeds. Oh, hello. Like this weird gay. God damn it.

The weird gay straight waiter. He's like, is it your first time? And it was a shift change too, so we're like in the middle of eating. But my son is just dying, laughing at this guy.

So, whatever. So it was nice, but he goes, oh yes, you know, Walt Disney used to come here very often.

In fact, the guy who owned this place was hired by Walt Disney to design the sets for, the decoration for snow white. Like, you're fucking kidding me.

Like, this was the original? this was it was the other way around so i've been you know making right i've been thinking derisively about this guy but actually he got he got ripped off i was like oh okay that's interesting he goes yes and wald disney he used to sit right over there at that table and i was like psh it hit me i was like that was the table where i came up with veto's booty oh right there so at the same table. Walt Disney and I were both creating masterpieces. Isn't that interesting? It will go down in history. That's, man. How's that? How's that for irony? It's a good place to be anti-Semitic, I guess.

It's like a little exchange. A lot of good memories of that show. I was going back with Trio, Doug, the biggest problem. We did a lot of good stuff. Employee of the month, dude. there was a lot of good stuff on that show it's too bad it's too bad it has to end but it does a lot of good stuff i'm sure definitely has to end after again i've all fuzzy lost i don't even know maybe you're drinking too much so so my wife says clean up the deck for the party because it's a mess it has all your crap all over it your stupid pirate outfit and all your scrappy funcopopop toys said okay i'll clean it up go, oh yeah, my point at the Home Depot

is this fat tortoise while I'm checking stuff out in the middle of this and cleaning shit up and buying more stuff I'm buying a hose

and a hose caddy and she goes oh she waddles over and goes oh oh she was buying a Snickers bar the employee the employee monitoring

the checkout area you know where it's all self-checkout out now at Home Depot? And there's this line. You can't see, it's just like, you just see green lights over everything.

There's no fucking idea of what's open. So I like peer out, peek over, and it's just like a bunch of dudes who are just trying to get shit done. And then there's, they've got three or four heffalumps there

who are supposed to direct you like, you know, traffic. Yeah. But they never do. So I walk over, you know, shyly. I'm like, uh,

is this, this one looks open and I go to walk up in this fucking three, hundred pound tombstone rolls over fucking rolls over i see her whip out of snickers bar run it through the checker thing pay for it and her wearing her smock i'm gonna be fucking okay so i'm waiting there while she's fudging around with the things and then she stands there for a minute

working up the momentum I guess to get the fuck out of the way and of course I'm seeing other people you know in and out men checking stuff out just opening this niggas bar moves out of the way

could you move away a little more like you didn't quite move out of the way there Lupedia you didn't quite make it the sun is the sun is uh eclipsing and uneclipsing

and she's moving out of the way I get my hose And my hose winding thing And she goes, oh, what's that? Like, what's What's what? He goes, what's that?

I've never seen one of those before. You mean the thing that's shaped like a hose That's got a little picture of a hose Wrapped around it? You work at Home Depot And you don't know what a hose winding up thing That sits in the yard is?

Is this something? like a, this is a new low for you guys. I've been tracking the, uh, incompetence of you idiots. I think they've, there's a critical mass point at a big corporation where once they've hired,

once they've hired too many women, all their metrics just scream, we need more employees. Because they've got six of them sitting around in the self-checkout eating Snickers bars and marveling at the new technologies in home, and,

and DIY tools and appliances that are coming through like a hose caddy Right What's that? I've never seen that before I'm not going to dignify that with the response

I hate when they do that at Trader Joe's too I'm like you fuck I saw you stalking the shelf With this shit before you rang me up What do you mean what is this? You should fucking know you got me thinking though like a cartoon series

like a fat accountant who's always fudging the number the fudger like the accountant but the fudger cooks the books right

this is all kinds of cooking puns right like are you fudging the numbers again he's like no so I go to the back I go and far long before this this was already a horrible day

I have to go clean up the deck like all right I didn't I even drank glass less the night before so I wouldn't be all hung over it'd be more motivated to clean it I go out

turn the hose on start a little bit I go inside you go upstairs get distracted something to drink my wife goes oh the hose it exploded like what I'll look over sure enough

that stupid extendo hose the other one I knew it was going to happen to because the other one had exploded like the week before what are you doing fucking exploding hoses like this You got like a bottle cap in the end? Well, it has one of those sprayers in the end.

So. What is your water pressure like? I don't know. The water pressure in the hose is like a fire hose, but then you turn my shower on and it's like leaking out. God damn it. You can spray down an airplane. I don't know. For like, okay.

So I go to Home Depot and I'm obstructed by fatso's, right? and I get my stuff I come back I say cool no problem just pop new hose on spray the deck off call it a day

what time is it I started drinking before noon yeah it's gonna be great and have a little celebratory go to unscrew the hose right old old one

nope come on come on buddy nope no totally won't budge okay So I go upstairs and I got one of those

On one of these like Rubber Pipe leverage things Because my wife had a bunch of aerials And I needed to They all rusted shut So I needed these two fucking Pipe wrench things

Like they're rubber And they wrap around it And they give you like a bunch of leverage It's like all right robo grip them bitches It's like all right robo grip Cool Absolutely no problem How long could this tape

You know Wrap it around Crank the hose The fucking spigot goes why oh god oh god damn it okay spray it down spray the silicone

drop nothing not budging right and it's like 60 years old the thing is 60 years old so I'm like I can't I can't touch this now I resist the urge to try to twist it back into place and I'm like don't even don't even fucking dare

don't you fucking dare do that I'm talking myself down and I feel like a meth addict, right? Because there's that like twitch in my brain that's like, let's just straighten it out a little bit. Straighten it out a little bit. You don't want to have 70 degree fucking spigot on your house.

That looks stupid. And I'm like, shut up, shut up. Do not try to put it back. Do not try to put it back. Uh, all right. Well, you know, maybe later. Maybe later I'll try to twist it back. No.

No. That's going to be a month-long fuck up. Do not touch it. You got, I love, say it with me, I love having a sideways hose. Love it. I love that it's 70 degrees off the center and it was fine for 60 years until you tried to unscrew the fucking hose. Dude. I saw the extendo hoses too at home, when I was there and I threw them all in the fucking garbage.

You know, the second you fucking move it like this. The second I move it, it's going to go, phew. it'll be structurally fine up until you touch it again yeah I don't even know what moved it just went oh come on man it was on that tight okay

man that shit pisses me off too because I'm like I appreciate that it's waterproof because there's nothing worse when you go to turn on the hose that sprays out of the top and you're like well you're right there is nothing worse than that I fucking hate that when it's not connected right and the water just sprays you're like come man. What am I doing here?

Why does there threads on it then? It's fucking making a mess. So I do appreciate... You appreciate it. When it doesn't do that. But then if I would like to change my hose, as the design was intended to be a modular fit, I would like to be able to remove it at some point in the future. So I'm like, okay, no problem.

No problem. I'll just saw it off. No problem. So I come in and I say, honey, where's my Dremel? Where's the, this is a one time. There's this the one time I have used for that stupid thing. It's too small to use, you know, the angle grinder or whatever. Where's the Dremel?

She goes, I don't know. Like, why would you? Can you, uh, Google it and check it out what it looks like? I don't know. Is it okay? So I go start looking, you know, tearing everything up. Classic. And I find all the Dremel bits,

crammed in the back of the, closet. I said, Mm, let me come back. Sounds like she knew where the drama was. These are the bits. Now, these are the discs and stuff.

Let me just ask you this. I know that you've been babysitting all day and I've been not I've been, you know, playing around and stuff outside. But this is what part of it looks like. The other thing, look at the

phone, it looks like this case, this gray case right here. Does this ring any bells? She's like, I don't know. I'm like, just look at it. Please just look at it. Maybe it will trigger something. So I spent probably 45 minutes looking for that.

I emptied the whole studio. And then I found it about eight inches away from where I found the bits, shoved in the back of it, even of another smaller area under the closet where I found the first one. I said, okay. Okay. I put on some safety sunglasses Go outside Start sawing the hose off, right?

Almost done, okay, a little more Chip the sunglasses. Okay, that's good, that could have been my eye. I finally get it off And I polish this I polish this crooked nozzle you know

like it's like brand new it's brass now it's back to back to the day it was made raising the property value oh man I said I sat outside

with a steel brush sitting sitting there fucking pounding away on this thing until it was like it looks like a saxophone now I'm playing a cab Callaway

blubber whee sitting there for like an hour I said, okay, I'm almost I'm almost done now, all right, what time is it? Oh, 1.30, great. So, okay, where's the hose? Let's lubricate this thing.

Spray it up, turn the hose on, threaded through the hose caddy thing, right? Winded it up. Fucking spin it around, wind it up. Put my little, I got one of those little metal things now. Not one of those big, goofy plastic things? Yeah. Metal one, right?

I said, all right. Let's fucking clean this fucking patio off, right? Turn it on. Got the thing. Holding the thing. I'm like you can hear water charging up. Gets the end.

Fucking starts spraying. Water starts spraying out of the... God fucking... All of that to still get fucking water in your face. I put it down and went inside. So I'm done. Doc, there's times where I'm like,

I'm just going to get the car and drive. They keep driving. My wife said, when are you going to start cleaning the deck? That's when I would get in the car and start driving forever. So the wheels exploded. So now I've got to go back and explain to the

Torto Brigade. Those doesn't work. I fucking hate Home Depot. I did too. Because they got all the, what I'm saying is all the competent people there eventually quit and go become contractors or whatever, and they're just left with this, like, dump of

of Mexican women that have never seen a hose before. Yeah. And so they're like, well, we got to hire more, we got to hire more women who don't know what a hose is. I was at Home Depot recently, and you know how they have, you know, they have the, like, individual aisle cages,

not just, like, closing up the whole aisle, but for, like, certain items, like spray paint. Yeah, yeah, yeah, stuff for bad people. Yeah, bad guy stuff. I need some bad guy stuff. I was like, cool. Solid copper wire. Awesome.

Great audio cable. Perfect. Go over there. Oh, right. Crackhead steal this shit all the time. Yeah. I ring the button. No one comes around.

I see fucking these blimps floating around the aisles with the orange apron on. These dirigible. Yeah. And they go, hey tugboat. Like, fucking bring the keys. Nothing. Fucking bring the button again. Nothing.

I'm on camera. I'm waving. I'm like, hey, you know, it's got the little, like, yeah. Yeah. I'm like, a little help here? Nothing. So then I reach my arm in and throw the cable up over the fucking caged part. Yeah.

Very helplessly kind of get it over. Grab it. Before I get to the end of the aisle, there's three Home Depot employees. You can't be doing that. You can't be doing that. Could someone fucking help me? Like, I'm not stealing it. I'm going to purchase it.

well there are solar people in every aisle now harassing every single customer that walks through there and they have this like they have this really they have this annoying patter as though as though they're gonna like worm their way like oh how much do you pay for your electricity bill how much do you pay for your electricity bill

how much do you pay for your electricity bill and I try to grab the nail gun and shoot one of them in the head but there wasn't a it was uh... secured to the side. I always go, no thanks, I already have solar. And they go, well, who is your provider? I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here.

I'm not, I'm here to buy something meaningless. I don't need that shit. I already have it. I overheard one of them, the guys said, uh, my landlord pays for the electric. I'm like, who are you, who do you think you're selling to here? Well, my fucking. You guys got to come in after four or something. These people don't want solar?

Yeah. I mean, years ago, dude, I was at Costco in fucking. fucking gym shorts, fucking just looking like a total piece of shit. Yeah. And the guy, you know, on your way out, the guy was like, oh, have you thought about, you know, upgrading your air conditioning system? Yeah. And I was like, I was like, sir, like, I appreciate that you think I own a home. Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, fuck, let's get Manning in here. He's been sitting here. Oh, shit. Manny. Where you at, Manny? Oh, there we go. Server or something. How are you going to check?

Hey. Oh, shit. What's up, man? Hold up, man. Give me five seconds. Yeah, sure. Take your time. Look at this UFO, Johnny.

Look at this fucking UFO. Oh, man. Look at this shit, man. This is the government released this. I can't ever trust UFO pictures. Look, it's going away. Isn't that obviously an alien hoop-a-jup? It is.

Cruising around? People are going gaga over these 20 million views. I guess I'm a couple. of them, so I shouldn't talk. Looks like a looks like a piece of, I don't know. It looks like a, just like a crystal

like an experiment. A bunch of jagged things sticking off of it. I saw Dr. Phil. I guess the government released a bunch of these stupid pictures of like stuff in the air, unidentified,

flying air things. And Dr. Phil said that they've been hovering over our nuclear facilities for, I don't know, 70 years. Man. Come on, Doc. Dr. Phil of all people? Dr. Phil of all people is the emissary that we chose to deliver these stupid pictures. Man.

Dr. Phil got his doctorate in aerospace? Yeah, he did. And in zino biology. he's He's a fucking Just like calmly floating away God I hate aliens How you doing Manny

I'm good for the most part I can't play Yeah you good for the most part Yeah I mean I've I've been running I had trouble buying something the other day Oh yeah Yeah last last month I heard you

You weren't keeping your hose in check or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Last month I wake up and I realized that my bankedown's over drawn. Oh. Yeah, and it's a problem. Like, it happens from time to time. It's cool.

I'm just afraid until I get paid. Yeah. And then I realized I also have nothing in my fridge. But I live in Philadelphia where we have this thing called a Wawa. You ever been to one? A Wawa? No, what's that?

Yeah. It stands for walk away with anything. No, it doesn't. It's a small convenience store. It's like a 7-Eleven, except they also, like, will make you a hoagie on the spot and toast it. So I'm chilling after a day of work, you know. and in my work clothes,

aka swim shorts and trots because I was working from home that day. You were working at the blowjob factory? You were working at home? Did they let you work at home? Yeah, I was the blowjob tester. Oh, okay. But men?

I don't... The two three ones Is that on your LinkedIn? Yeah, I'm need to update my LinkedIn right now. Yeah, we all do. So I show up at the Wawa.

I walk around. I get myself like a Coke, hot dog, a couple donuts, you know, nice balance dinner. Yeah. And then I walk out

because, you know, it's walk away with anything. think. You just shoplifted your dinner because you're out of money? Got Aladdin Jr. You sing a little song like Aladdin?

I think I was listening to Who Are these podcasts? You shoplifting to Carl? Oh man. You think the cops are after you because of his voice. You know, he steals other people's podcast

content. I steal food for my while it's uh what did you did you have like a plan in your head of how to steal or is just like natural the plan was just uh the plan was just uh at teenagers can do it so can i so can i they don't see like a full-grown man stealing like potato chips i guys or like a said did you get the subway sandwich made for you and then steal it no i don't know i'm no They figured that scam out a large time ago back when I was in high school. They've done to steal the pre-made stuff.

Are you still out of money? You can't go back, though. Like, I've shoplifted a thing or two in my life. It's hard to go back to paying for stuff. Yeah. Right? You wouldn't download a sandwich. Yeah, you wouldn't download a sandwich, would you?

You've got to have. the spots that you only go to when you're broke. Yeah. And then you have the stuff where, the places where you're used to paying for. Oh, you don't want to get a reputation. Yeah, exactly. So I'm walking out of this while while I'm listening to Carl. He's smile talking about something.

And I hear someone over Carl's smile talking to say, hey, hey, what are we doing here? Hey. What? Oh. Hey, what are we doing here? That's you stealing? Wait, hey, hey, what are we doing? This wah-wah has security.

And the security is, like, one of the few people I can say, fatter than me. Like, Tar Wins. Like, Margin' Boo swallow Carl Winslow. Okay. I'm like, I know the rules. Security isn't allowed to go past the fucking threshold of the store. whatever. Right. Right. So I'll

Like feel the dreams. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. If you build it, they will steal. Not going to say who the day is, but it's me. Do they have a picture of you now at that place?

Like don't let this man have a sandwich. He's going to steal it? Are you worried? Maybe. Maybe they might have cameras. I haven't been back there since then. It's just a picture of construction paper with glasses on. Dude, that's bad. You're so broke.

You're stealing from a gas station? Yeah, I know. See, if you were really hungry, you would have looted at a Nike store. Yeah. I need to start thinking Lampedini. Ask for a test drive. So I'm running from the wild. in the middle of like

kind of a Philly suburb like a decent part of town just out in the open crots not getting very far and then I'm a block away I'm like I can slow down and walk turns out

fat motherfucker crossed a threshold still chasing after me he's a chosen one security guard man you got the autistic security guard fucking Benjamin Franklin looking on.

Oh, man. He cares about that story. You fucked up. So I was at a full like sprint. This guy, not even power walking. Still just trolling like he's, like he's having a good day. And still he's like, hey, man, what are we doing? You're making me chase you?

He's kind of far away from like home base. That's dangerous. It's going to cost a lot to teleport back. Yeah. The thing about me is like my vision sucks even with the glasses. So as he's getting closer, I take a second look at him. This guy's a full on police officer. He wasn't.

Oh, no. Oh, shit. Oh, no. And I just attempted to flee. So he's got the cuffs out. I bet he's never heard that before. I couldn't see because of my. I mean, your glasses are pretty big, so

It's not like you have joke glasses that you brought Just in case I didn't even bother trying to explain I told this story to a ministry of dude Yeah And their response was like By the time the cop got to me I already had the record of saying

I can't breathe I can't breathe What race was the cop? Also a black man Oh, you're fucked Yeah, that's it Harris One had a song about that. Yeah, he was the overseer, overseer.

Yeah, officer from overseer. He left his car in the parking lot to chase you, to chase you down through the suburbs. Yeah, to low speed chase me down through the suburbs. Yeah. And then as soon as he catches up to me, DeWawa managers right behind me some 19-year-old. girl.

And then a cop car pulls up with two officers inside. The motherfucker called for the guy called for backup. It's the it's not a running. Whatever

outfit you were wearing for this, you have to throw it away. Yeah. It's cursed. People steal all the time here. How did, why does this happen to you? And you can't ever eat that food item again. He must have been acting really suspicious inside. No cocaine hot dogs for you

ever again are you getting rolled up. Man's walking around like hiding in a box or something in the wah-wa fucking two eye holes cut out. Yeah, planning is escape. You took too much stuff. You're walking out of there with an armload of candy and shit.

Because you got no money. You're whistling a tune perusing those aisles. You should have fucking got in and got out. They ran it up. It was $12 and $0.8 worth of stuff. And they sent a cop. car after you.

What did they do? What do they do after they caught you? They throw me in the back to the top car and drive me to the wah-wah so they can make the stuff back up. And then I've got the two guys in the car like taking my information running me if I have

any other warrants or rest. And they're like, oh, clean record. Like, where did the drugs on you? I'm like, I've got no drugs. I can't afford a sandwich. I'm going to get a drug. Yeah, like that They're confused

Like, why is the grown Man stealing from a lava And I was just like And meanwhile, the fat cop Who chased after me Is like telling them his side of the story What happened? It's like, yeah, I knew that fat

motherfucker would get far I was the He was the overseer I'm like, God damn I was like I gotta say it's the funniest thing I've ever seen that.

I'm in the back in the top, I'm like, I am a comedian and you can let me up. I do other funny stuff sometimes. So they, they,

they, I spent the night in jail. No, you didn't. Fucking lunatics. Shit. Yeah, they drive me to the preset. I get there,

like, right 520, so the judge had just left. Like, had to wait for the judge grab up their last thing. So I get there, the cops like, oh, what are you in here? And I'm like, oh, they told me the charge was retail theft.

Where did you steal from? I'm like, well, allegedly I stole from a Wawa. They're like, huh? I said, allegedly the Wawa. And they're like, oh, you said allegedly. This guy thinks he knows his right. Yeah, what are you tricking them? Do you think there's like a fucking Matlock in here?

Yeah. Allegedly. everything with allegedly and supposedly doesn't quite have the same gravitas. Witness cop probably six CCTV cameras.

You don't want to give them like a my cousin Vinnie confession, right? Allegedly a sandwich. Yes, one look at you and they're like allegedly this sandwich that I was holding that I was in possession of which was not paid for.

Okay So they throw me in the cell They try That was crazy As they throwed me in the cell They give me a sandwich To eat What a night

The berry That got you there to begin with What a mockery What a fucking mockery If you eat it Then you're gonna go back to jail It's the fucking That was a test

The sandwich You see if you like sandwiches Yeah, you're guilty Look at the way you're eating that sandwich You've got a hunger Yeah, if you don't eat it you're guilty But then if depending on Because you already ate a sandwich

So you're full, you stole a sandwich Then if you do eat it They're like well look at this fat sum of a bitch Two sandwiches God damn Two free sandwiches So do you guys have like no crime there Is that why there's three cops

Arresting you for sandwich theft? I think we've had 80 murders so far this year That did that bat fight video from last week was four. Oh, the bat fight. Yeah, that was a good one. Oh, yeah.

Dude, two months ago, someone robbed a bridge truck like five feet from where I live. Two guys apparently. Yeah, like, I'm surprised I didn't hear the commotion in the morning. It was so close to me.

It was right next to the seven left that I steal from every day. I imagine. A Briggs truck, that's a good heist. They make you word of Wawa apron. Yeah, and you have to make sandwiches to like... Yeah, you have to do like community service. Like you got to go work at Wawa for washing dishes. Yeah, I've got to do three hours community service.

I'm going to do it at the church that I go to. You got a church. This is the lack of belief in that question. What do you mean church? What do you mean church? Hi. So to really get into it, I have a child with, you what?

I have a child and his mother hates me. So the only time I see this child is when her parents take him to church. What the hell, really? You also have a secret with Erica Badoo? It's like a secret clandestine meeting for you and you. Yeah, oh, she started showing up at church, too, and I hate it. I'm like, you bitch. Oh, no.

Yeah. You know she's going to be saying some shit to your kid about, like, he got a resvering stealing a sandwich. I'm hoping she never finds out. About the sandwich stealing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Part of the reason I'm so broke I had to steal a sandwich is all the child support. Oh, my God. Dude, she sued me when I was completely unemployed working at her Chili's last year. And I'm like, I would be giving you money. Because I was given to her money when we first had it and then I lost my job. I was unemployed.

Underemployed at Chili's and she was like, you haven't paid me it too long. You must be being stained, broke on purpose. Let's get the thoughts involved. It's what every man strives for in life is to be broke on purpose. He sounds wonderful. Yeah.

Just out of spite. Oh, man. How long have you been paying child support? I've been paying it since the start of this year, because that's when I started working. Oh, okay. So what are you, like, a million dollars in back child support? Like, what is the, what are you on the hook for? Two grand a month, I think it would be like 1900 without the back support.

They didn't rate me on that, but it's no fun. You should take over the biggest problem with Vito. That's your child support. Solved. That's for reparations. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's brutal, man.

Why did she take your kid? The kid was never meant to happen. She was a tinderfling. But, you know, she was too. fat for the pill it turns out Wait, I'm sorry, wait He was too fat for the pill to work?

Yeah. Is that true? Is that medically? No, that's the thing. You can be too fat for the birth control pill to work? Wow. Yes.

So wrap it up. And she was also too fat for me to push off of and Oh, you got, she's a seaman dealer. Oh, no. Steeler.

Seaminty. Oh, man. Man. Well, maybe the church could like make smaller doors so you could see your child in peace. You know? So she can't get in there. I'll talk.

That should be what I do as my community service with them. I'm just going to make the doors smaller. Like when the sharks are chasing, finding Nemo. Just glue on wood to the door frame every time you go in. Glue on a little bit of wood.

on the door frame every time you go. So then pretty soon it's like skinny. Well, you know, you size. You shaped, actually. Get it down to where you can't fit and then carve it out so it's your exact shape. I'll start dehydrating myself Sunday mornings. Squeeze in.

Get some people pulling you in. So I spent the night in jail and I spent it a couple hours into the night. What are these people, a sovereign citizen gets thrown in with me. Like, they definitely have open jail cells, and they open my door. I think they're, like, going to take me for processing or fingerprints or whatever. And it's a guy literally fighting the top who's throwing him in, and they just toss him in. And he's like, yeah, man, they, they got, they're going to give me my gun and my pills back.

I'll tell you that much. Like, what? Later on at the night, they try to take him in for, like, they come in with a warrant to get his DNA. And he's like, no, he ain't getting nothing from me. That's kind of hard to protect your DNA. Yeah. You know? He starts to expand.

He had, like, a really long stick. But if there's more than one guy, you're kind of, that DNA is coming off. Especially if you're like living in a cell. Yeah. Oh, man, he started explaining to me how, like, he, they didn't attach him with an ID only his passport. And how as soon as you're bored, they trench your mom into signing your life away with the certificate at the social security number. They do do that. They do do that.

Yeah. Yeah. And so I learned a lot from him. And then I woke up the next... Did he have a little laminated card? Like about why you're not supposed to pay taxes? No, I think he just memorized it. Oh, okay.

But he definitely wasn't paid... He definitely wasn't paid taxes. They found him with a bunch of pills and a gun on him. And he was like, that's not a crime. So you're going to give me my pills and my gun back. Was it Nick Rakeda? I don't want to make the joke on. It rhymes with Nick, Rich Cater.

Nick's with a hard G. Oh. With Cater. It's a different guy. I know that guy too. Yeah. So you got out of jail, eventually. Yeah, I got out.

And then I had to wake up and instantly go to work the next morning. Like I took the bus from me. jail battle for the Coxon factory and you're still hungry that's the worst part you're still hungry man I could really go for a while

Why don't you go to like the Why don't you go to like a food bank or something They got those you know They're giving out food You don't have to steal it Then I have to find a food bag Oh yeah okay

It's don't walk away with anything It's already a food bank Not anymore This is Trump's America now man You can't be walking out sandwiches You can't explain that to the cop either. Wait, it's in the fucking name.

It's not like it's Fubu. I thought you was a jury. That's the fucking cops aren't supposed to be that fat. Like you're not supposed to, it's part of the deal. It's like a rare donut cop in the wild. Yeah, seriously. They do have this thing like,

anybody could be a cop, right? You're not just supposed to stop and get tackled by a random guy looking like a cop. They don't care though. And you are stealing. It is what it is. Now, another fun adventure I had tried to make somebody to some broke is what I do is there's this site called gig salad. gig salad okay yeah it's like five or four

live entertainment so if you're a comic or a musician or something you just create a profile get some gigs I had one people I want some feet and stuff

yeah well I've had one for two years I got to I want this guy I want this guy specifically to tell me penis is small

50 bucks okay I've had one for two years and like every once in a while I get a request for a quote because I think if someone request someone like similar to you it goes out to everyone

oh yeah and I'll just be like alright give me $200 I'll do the show whatever no one ever writes back until one day someone writes back and they're like good

you're but and I look at the date and the show's 11 a.m. on a Wednesday. What kind of show is it? They want me to do an hour of stand-up in a retirement home. Awesome. And at this point, I think the most stand-up I've ever done is 30 minutes. An hour, that's a long time, man.

That's like a special. Yeah, especially for like... How funny does it have to be at a retirement home? Mike. They don't know what's going on. I think isn't even how funny doesn't have to be. It's how clean doesn't have to be. Oh, yeah.

I don't have like old people approved jokes. Or at least not retirement home jokes. And the crazy thing is the guy who booked me in no way related to the retirement home. Like this guy's got the true scam going where they booked him for entertainment and he just goes on Fiver. I hires people, random people. Yeah. Just be out to believe. Every single level of everything is a scam anymore.

It's a fucking scam, dude. Outsourced, everything. If you're not outsourcing, then you're, if you don't have five or six layers to whatever job you're doing, then you're done. You're not going to make it. So I advise a scheme where I'm going to bring two of my friends, my one friend Seth Ruddick has the sound equipment

and my other friend Jared Winters I do a podcast called Most Importantest With And I'm like I'm going to show up, do five minutes off top You're going to do 10 Then I'm going to do another five More outsourcing And the three of you are going to split 200 bucks

For setting up sound Why do you have to set up sound equipment at a retirement home? This is just bring it like just go sing songs to them. Like, pop goes the weasel. Stop. So, 11 a.m.

Go read like like old stand-up material. Just read it. You know? Hello mother. Hello fodder. Just read that shit. They don't care.

They'll love it. Honestly, they would have loved any of that. Yeah. 11 a.m. I clock out of the blowjob. I don't clock out. I just,

I sneak out of the blowjob factory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still on the clock at home. Yeah. I pick up my friend Jared. We go to the retirement home. What I don't notice is Jared has like a tie on and a college shirt. We get there.

My friend Seth has a blaze on like something professional. I'm there in a hoodie and a two-park t-shirt. The three of us want. they're only waiting for one Emmanuel Muskets for some reason on the profile. I think Mani Muskets wasn't professional enough. So I made my name

Emmanuel Muskins. Sounds hilarious. Emmanuel Muskets. Like a Civil War comedian. General of taking down manual musket We tours into Civil War.

What was that movie? It was Matthew Broderick. That's the one. You know, the Civil War one? Fuck. Glory. Glory, that's the one. Yeah.

Back when I was kidding, everyone tells me I looked exactly like Thomas from that movie. Who's Thomas? Was that Matthew Broderick? He was a nerdy one with glasses. Oh, he's a nerdy one. Yeah. He got his first kill at the very end with the bayonet. Oh.

I remember that one. I remember that one. Yeah. The whole movie, like Denzel and Morgan Freeman were racking up bodies, and he was just, like, being a coward. Yeah. So we show up. The audience is, like, what you would expect, it's, like,

80 to 90-year-old, half-dead people. And then all the orderlies are, like, Muslim women who... we show up introduce ourselves go to shake their hands and they like won't even touch us yeah sure aliens yeah so my friends they are like oh it's retirement home

they're worried about jobs I'm the only one who's clock like oh this is like religious reasons they can't touch another man so we're setting up all the old people are convinced we're setting up karaoke for some

They're excited They're excited for the karaoke They're excited for the karaoke But they're thinking a bunch of fucking comedians Who are trying like Their material Man If I was 70 or 80 years

Ahold and some fucking 20 or 30 year old Came in to tell me some jokes I would say get the fuck out of here If a 20 or 30 year Now Yeah I don't care

spend some time setting up I go I do five minutes I tell this one joke I'm like I have you ever noticed there's a lot of fireworks

to sound like gunshots but you never hear gunshots that sound like fireworks little acts out where I make the the sound that's your joke but you never hear fireworks

that sounds like gunshots I'm trying to think of stuff that like like a gun that goes boom Jesus Christ. And the Tupac shirt? And they're like, this motherfucker's like that guy in roots or the guy in glory.

That fucking nerd. Yeah. They probably also thought he was like the guy in roots too. Few. Okay. I'm trying not to just like get the feel of the audience because I got to go back and do a half hour later. My boy Seth

goes up, he does 12 minutes, he's helpful, they love him. Then I go up to another five minutes. I tell the same joke again, the same five words. Only one person in the audience clotsed it. How am I like, oh, these people are even listening.

You guys are just doing the same material over again? Fuck. These people are listening. So I let my I let my friend Jared go up One of the old ladies Like, heckles him was like We had a comedian here before

He told me I smelled like a cheap hole And then Yeah God Jarren just caused her a hole For the rest of the set So I'm like, okay They're cool with dirty jokes

So I get up to like Round things off with my half hour And I'm like, time for the longest joke that I have. A lot of crowds don't like it, but it kills a lot of time. And it involves the Virgin Mary in different religions. Amazing. First, I graphically describe what So King is. Like, I named the body parts.

I'm like, blah, blah. And then I'm like, yeah, the Mormon Virgin Mary, she got pregnant by So King. and then I'm like every Virgin Mary the religion's based on like how big a slut can you be and it's still a surprise when you wake up pregnant

so I get into the Catholic Virgin Mary who was doing butt stuff I get into the Muslim Virgin Mary and my joke is she was just learning how to read and then I start talking about

how like a guy two blocks away did a suicide bombing and she got pregnant with 71 other girls and then as I'm telling this like my friends are hiding their faces in the bamps but they're like

this is not working this is cringy but my one friend who's got better vision more percept than me says he saw the spikes on someone's like monitor going up he was like I thought you were literally going to get him like Blasping

The Muslim women are all calling their husbands Gotta get over here Bring your bomb People are running around Yeah I'm like This joke isn't working But whatever it's over now

I'm gonna switch over the clean stuff Trying to smooth it out for the rest of the set Both I have two sentences into the next joke And one of the Muslim ladies walks up to me and she's got this energy about me like yeah like religiously I can't touch a man

but I will still be your ass she's telling me like we've got some complaints about the material so you need to need to You're done You got the hook at the retirement home She tells me either Switching up

Or Or we can try again another day And I'm like You guys are going to make me back. You got to try again another day, of course. Well, the whole new audience there.

These people will all be dead. Yeah. Exactly. So my time. Well, I could switch it up, but that's fine. Let's just go home. I've got to get back to work anyway. Every stand-up story you call in with this like, you're at a racist rally at a barn in the middle of nowhere,

a retirement home. Time share next. Yeah. Well, that's just how the one show I'm excited for I've got coming up is I'm going to be opening for your boy Value Select. Oh, cool. Where at? Yeah, he's Kung Fu Necktie in Philadelphia. Oh, awesome.

12th or 13th. Go to his website, buy tickets for the Philadelphia thing. Okay, Value Select's website. We've got to have him back in, man. It's been lots happen since he was here last time. a lot has happened a lot has happened dude I

I DMed him to like get the spot and he was like yeah I love your stuff one thing though try to avoid being too blue or dirty and I'm like what okay and then I go back and listen to its music and it's all stuff about

buying a fake son that you can beat up when you come home drunk from work and accidentally killing the fake son in front of your real son and making him and I'm like my stuff's too dirty for you yeah I mean you're like 30 minute

dialogue of like soaking your penis in the Virgin Mary maybe that's not the same thing is too shay I mean I get it I get the request I know both of you

he's right there's two mannies inside of you don't steal any sandwiches, that's what he's saying. Don't. Bring your credit card. Okay, where's your website and stuff?

Linktree.com slash manny muskets. Wow, like prostitutes. Linktree.com slash manny muskets. Just manny muskets on the Instagram. I've got two podcasts, most importantists,

and we like art. We like art. Yeah. It's me and my friend who used to be an art teacher. Like he, he paints, but he,

he got upset towards like the art world never took him seriously. And that's why I got into comedy. I will listen to this. This is great. Yeah. Okay.

And then, like, you look at the paintings because he has him up in his wall. And it's just paintings of towns he's been in with dinosaurs, just living life. Like a dinosaur sipping tea in Venice or whatever.

And he's like, yeah, can you believe those art assholes? that didn't take it that's awesome man seriously yeah okay value select go see values

go see manny perform a value select please let me know how it goes go do all the stuff I wish I could do yeah I've got one more thing that I did

it's also illegal it's uh so I told you how I'm like blind and I've got like ADHD I hate paperwork yeah so back around the time

I was stressing about having a kid, I also had a car that I never got registered. Had I, like, racked up a bunch of tickets just driving without registration. Okay. Which made it super

difficult when I went to go buy a new car to get it registered because I had to get all those tickets cleared first. Yeah. So the new car, I also never got registered. I went back, I went back and I paid like all the tickets for the first car.

but what happened was on the day that I actually had the money and made the payment the court system was down so they couldn't actually accept the payment and I just never went back to finish it so now I've got an unregistered car no

I thought expired but a suspended license no insurance I mean a long time ago not at this age I'm also at the age where it's too old to be happening to me. So it was one of the days that's work in office at the blowjob factory. First day at the World Cup and I'm like coming to home, just zoned out, miss my exit. And with my bad vision, I'm pulling up the, the,

maps on the phone trying to figure out where I have. I can't believe they let you drive with those glasses. They do the point of the story is they don't let me drive. But I'd do it anyway. I'm trying to pull up the map, see where I am

if I have to turn around or if I'm just like tripping and a couple exits back. As I'm pulling up the map, the car does this beep that it's the super annoyed beef when you get too close to it. like slow moving or park car. Okay.

You're going to hit something. It's super annoying beep that says you're going to hit something. Yeah. So I look up, I'm like, what's this thing beeping about? And as I'm looking up, the airbags are coming out of the car.

And I have just hit an off-duty car on the interstate. And missed my exit. So now I've got this totaled car, which not in short I literally spent

yeah I literally spent my entire 4-1K to buy this car because I just been on the point I've got caught next month for the sandwich

or for the wrecked car for the wrecked car I don't know what the tickets are because I didn't bother and read them, but I've got six of them. Right. They wanted like, the fines if I planned guilty were like $500 to $1,000

each. And I'm like, I'd can't afford a sandwich right now. Better get to steal another one, yeah. Does they have programs for people like you? I think they do. Lunch program? Yeah, lunch programs. Can you go to like elementary school and get some free lunch or breakfast

or something? You can in California. Anybody could show up. Punching your four-digit code Yeah, man I think I still remember mine for my school Yeah, so So now I've got to

figure out how to find Either a free lawyer Or a chief lawyer I'm surprised you don't know that Yeah Yeah And so And yeah

That's also on my to do list for this month, but every time I try to look one up, they assign me more work at the blowjob factory. All right, all right. Get out of here, Manny. Get out of here.

Get back to work. Thank you for, thank you for calling it. Do you need to make better choices in your life? Yeah, that's what my dad said. You need to start making better choices now. Don't fuck gravelers.

Buckle- down. All right. Fly right. Yeah, straight enough and fly right. You knew that joke wasn't going to go well

with the retirement people, but you did it anyway. Oh, dude. The whole time my plan was to have Seth record it. So like, yeah, I'm going to bomb,

but it'll be amazing footage. Me telling dirty jokes to an old folks. So we get out and Seth's like, I can't believe you did that. They're not going to pay us. And I'm like,

no, that's fine. It'll be fine. you got the footage though right he's like i didn't set up the camera because i was worried about their privacy oh you father made years old you idiot yeah it was like we we didn't get them to sign releases and i'm like that you just did a free show fucking dummy did all that for free oh yeah so what's step instagram go harass everyone go tell him what an asshole he is we did get paid even though didn't think they would.

But the guy sent me an email right afterwards. Like, I get home and I see an email from the dude who wasn't even there, wasn't even related. He goes, I heard you brought an entourage with you to perform and did some inappropriate material. And I was like, first of all, they liked the entourage. It was me they had a problem with it. So, fuck up. So you should be thanking me. All right, but

Most importantest We like art Mani muskets on everything I like that We like art All right man See you have a good week man Thanks

Bye See ya Fucking manny man Emmanuel muskets dude Emmanuel muskets What a name What a guy What a series of unfortunate events

Stealing sandwiches It's like trailer park boy shit It's like of all the shit I constantly see getting stolen as I'm waiting in line to purchase things. Yeah. And a fucking actual cop gets him. Uh, okay. Do I have anything here? I don't know. A bunch of stuff. I don't know why I wrote any of this down.

Garbage, garbage, garbage. Look at all this crap. Garbage, garbage, garbage. Just read some comments. uh... Diego says I genuinely don't understand what you think makes someone more deserving of being a citizen

you should be a citizen of the place you're born in. Well, I guess if being a citizen like confers all these benefits, you should probably have either paid into the benefits or your parents

should have paid into the benefits. Otherwise, uh, you're stealing. And that's going to get you a night in jail with the sovereign citizen. Yeah, that's kind of the the whole point of the amendment.

Was 14th Amendment? That was the problem. The born here and subject to the jurisdiction thereof means like part of the society. You're like not only does the laws apply to you but like everything

everything in the society applies to you. Not that you can't just break laws but like you know you got to pay into the system. Right. It should be obvious what a citizen is. Like in every other context,

you know, like if someone's part of the family, doesn't mean they were born in your house. It means you've known them for a long time. There's some sort of mutual obligation, understanding, you know them. It's take that and you grow it to the size

of a township and a civilization. So you're a citizen of the, of the nation when you have some when you have some sort of mutual obligation with the people around you and in the case of

the U.S. it means being a piggy bank for a bunch of tax parasites means being squeezed until money comes out of your bones means being squeezed to death by a bunch of pedophiles so the parasites can eat your insides.

Once you've experienced that then you can be a citizen it's definitely not being born here yeah that has nothing to do with anything if I was born in Africa would that make me African data says oh yeah okay

uh plubis says if you give Vito the booty over his rushed last minute scramble cute shit technical wind black and white bullshit wow it will be the most disappointing injustice of my life. It'll be like if Maddox won the lawsuit. It'll be like watching 2020 get stolen again every second for the rest of my life. It'll be worse than white erasure. You cannot

let this happen. Dick Masterson cannot do this. Yeah, Vito, I don't know why he did this. Um, I've watched, I've watched Vito give a few interviews about it and I don't know, his reasons are all over the place. I don't know why he took a picture in front of my house. Um, That was weird. That was weird. That was a weird part of it. I don't know why he was in discord, like, arguing with people about it all day. If it was a bit, like, okay, just, you know, come over and drop your, drop this, whatever you think this is off of my house, and that's that.

I feel like he's kind of, I feel like he's, like, taking it back. You know, like, people, look, I'll just speak frankly. Vito's ego just drives a lot of what he does. It's why he can't take any criticism or, you know, even conceptualize, like, failing. And I think he's trying to, like, own something. The biggest problem ending, I thought it would go out with kind of, like, a celebration of what it was. It's just not working anymore. It's, I mean, me saying the show is remote now,

is certainly what ended the show. Zoom shows suck. Like, they're just, like, not fun. It's not something you have to see. You have to see two guys together in the same room. Zoom is just, like, trash. It's just like guys talking about Marvel movies. Maybe it was naive of me to think it would just be a,

all right, this is what we did, you know, let's just, well, it was certainly naive, because I thought he would take the 25% deal immediately. and he totally rejected it like he was offended by it so obviously my thinking was not right whatever I was thinking is obviously not right

but it's like it's like I said last week it is a gift it is a total it is a generous gift to take something that exists that people like simply swap in another guy that you have chemistry with and see what you can do with it and it's free money, you know, it's free money for you.

Whatever. He came to his reasons, his reasons for driving it off where it's funny and I thought it was funny when people came to your house. Like, okay, I'm detecting a little bit of like, you're a little angry about everything and how it went down. Understandable. Okay. Whatever you, you know, whatever you, and then he said, I need to close this chapter of my life. Um, like, all right, these are like, all of these things you're saying are emotions I don't have. I'm familiar with them, but they don't, like, I don't feel like I'm drowning in them.

You know what I'm saying? I feel like I'm drowning in like, uh, uh, like a hatred of, of like what's, of what's happening to the country. That's what I, that's what I choke on and I'm sick with some seething about sometimes, like, what is going to happen to my son? what is this country going to be like when Muslims are taking over Texas like this is a real big problem in these fuckers that did this this is the kind of stuff that makes me see with anger and rage

there's no real outlet for it there's this show screaming about it you know meeting other like-minded races and talking about it uh, Trant Baby for God's sakes figuring out what we can do. Figuring out what we can do together. I watch,

I watch, uh, I watch these movies that are coming out, like the Odyssey's coming out and it's all just like woke die trash. And I see celebrity interviews on, on Twitter and like, they're all like cutesy and shit. And I think, you know,

this is, and I think I can see it now. I can see it now what the last 20, 30 years of, uh, culture capture and, uh, canceling has done. And there's this, there's this, like, there's this parallel culture, this parallel subsidized culture that grew out of it, full of people that I, I'm not interested in in a hate.

And I think people like me are not interested in a hate. This is something sick about, about even seeing it. And people that I like were destroyed. You know, and it's in small ways and big ways. Like, Jay Johnston, the Bob's Burger guy. All right. Great example. Love Jimmy Pesto, right?

He's just erased. And I imagine that. You imagine that going back 20, 30 years, which they've been doing. And you can see now cumulatively the effect that this censorship has had on culture. I forget why I started talking about this. Stuff like that's what makes me. Yeah. Right here.

And not this closing a chapter. Not closing a chapter. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. The biggest problem was it made a lot of people laugh. It had a lot of great stuff in it. Vito's booty thing was just hysterical.

Burning the guy's cradle thing was hysterical. But then even, you know, this week I see Vito's, he's just arguing with Riley. I see him on an hour-long podcast with Riley. I'm like, man, this is like. And then he posted his argument with Riley on his own channel. And I thought, this is way too familiar, man. this is, this is your, this is, if you're not careful, and I said this right when his, his whole relationship with Riley started,

I said, if you're this, you're not careful, this is your, this will be your life. The people that you make your enemies are like your lovers. Like you, you, you, you, this is a relationship that you're fostering and telling people about, you're doing this. You're doing this. And now there's no more show and you're still on an hour long, arguing podcast with Riley? Why? Why are you sitting here?

I mean, and I watched a little bit of it, not the whole thing. He came in, you know, uh, oh, it was with Taylorish. You were right. And he's like, you know, Vito's always very aggressive with women. Fuck you, you're a whore. Fuck you're. And then Riley hits him with, what's, with this Facebook post from, like, when Vito's dad died and Vito shut down, and I'm like, I'm at home going,

oh my god that i'm watching i'm like people are gonna really if they didn't hate riley now they're really gonna hate riley but i'm like i've never seen anything like this and also this is this is this is this is close for me this is right but it's not then the next day i woke when i see you know posted on his channel i'm like oh man this is i'm so glad i don't have to think about this shit anymore um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um um It's over. But, Plubis,

to your point, what Vito dropped off was a black and white proof of his comic. It's not the production run of the comic, which was promised to be in color. It's not the comic. I was very specific.

Whoever gets me the comic first wins. This is not the comic. This is something that you printed out of FedEx or something. This is a proof of something. There are corrections to me. This is a, not it. This is not it. This is lipstick on a fucking pig. I don't care about all the emotional

reasons why I was dropped off. This does not fucking qualify for the toys. Do it again. Dick, and I would like to remind people, too, in case they've all forgotten, you were disqualified for not having grout on your tile work. It appears unfinished. That's what I I took it. It appears unfinished. Honey, what is this? She says, appears unfinished. I said, this appears unfinished.

That appears unfuck and finished. But I mean, it seemed like there's just a lot. It seems like there's a lot going on. There's a lot going on with them. I really, you don't have to, you don't continue the biggest problem. It doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter to me.

People want to see, people want to see some kind of a win. People will like it. Vita and Billy the fridge are great together. They should be wonderful in a comedy vehicle, comedy show. Yeah. Go do the come-off or whatever, the jack-off. What is the show? Okay, you don't want to use the title.

The biggest problem. Okay, I'm sure the jack-off or whatever you're calling it will be great. Call Vinnie up. Say, hey, Vinny, how should we rip off your show? We're calling it the jack-off. It's like the creep-off, but it's jacks. We're jacking off. Who got caught jacking on?

Whatever. I'm just fucking goofing around. Hungry Jack over here. You know, he used to be a... He used to know jokes, right? You know? But all this... People figured out that they can make him loop

in arguments. And there's just... And to a certain subset of people, there's just nothing funnier than that. Fucking winding you up, making you appear on a... Making you appear on podcasts, with no viewers of people who hate you.

To go debase yourself? To go deep, yeah. Well, dude, like, showing that UFO picture in the background reminded me, too. Like, in high school, we had this stats teacher who you could get him to just go on a loop and waste the whole class. Everyone had that teacher like that.

We took a picture of the ceiling fan with our flip phone and zoomed in really far, and it was all grainy and shitty, and we're like, look, we saw a UFO siding in his backyard last night. Yeah. He talked a whole class period about it.

And then he was like, I actually just kidding, we took a picture of this thing like. He got so quiet and then assigned us four times as much homework that week. It was, we're totally worth it.

It's worth it. But it's that same thing of like, you know, when you can, when you figure out like, oh, wait a second. Oh, wait a second.

Focus on this and derail everything else. It's like, man, you could have colored your comic book in instead of arguing people. Now I'm going to get a colored in with crayons. You're getting a second visit. this is no different

this is not the production run this is the point is that it's ready for the people who paid for it and I'm a person who paid for it I don't want to pre-print Harry Potter you know inside scoop I want the real thing with everybody else

not the newsletter yeah but no that's the thing is you didn't pay for shipping so that's not it's not the real comic the real comic you have to pay for shipping yeah I got a really but I also don't I don't want to be part of this closing chapter

fucking Holden Caulfield That has to be the gayest thing I've ever heard Come on man Chicken soup for the fucking fat retard soul Ah Chris says Your work inspired me to lose weight And get a better job

I was 310 in 2016 God damn At the show Who's a big boy That's a big boy Right there I'm down to 230 Oh shit

Thanks for the great entertainment Don't you say oh shit Because that's 10 pounds Probably 8 pounds away from me He lost 80 pounds That's really like That's a lot That's good yeah

Yeah that's great Wow man Good job Was it Ozzypick Yeah if it was Ozembic doesn't count Doesn't count But these bitches are main You know what

I heard the funniest thing My doctor friend Yes He says to me that insurance companies cover Ozimic if you're 40 pounds overweight or more and when he said that I was like

oh no so he says there's a rush in hospitals to get to cram all of the prescriptions in before they drop below the coverage range right because if they're what they're doing to these people

right making them fatter now so they have to They have to keep them right at like the event horizon of medical coverage because they can't cover it when it's below 40. He's like, yeah, it's like a half a billion dollars of like limbo medical charges because they'll weigh in at like 239 or something, right? Like a prize fighter. Yeah, like a prize fighter. So you got nurses fucking tipping, putting their foot on the scale? Just a just a totally stupid way to do it.

fucking welterweight ass bitch. Not like you weigh this, you get it for the... Yeah. Just absolutely perfect. Total waste of time. All these administrators, like, all these administrators just burning hours, chasing down the most retarded

metrics to save... to save money on a molecule that they make in a vat, right? Just take it. Who's fucking take it? I'm so sick of these. assholes. Yeah.

Wasting doctor's time. And our time as a result. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Nick says, hey Dick, I've been on an on-off kind of relationship with how serious or un-serious to take AI in the last

couple of years. I was hoping you could provide some insight into how I should approach this. Wow. It's like a tool. Part of me thinks I'm developed enough to utilize AI, chat, GBT, since I believe I'm too old to lose my sense of imagination or creativity if I get too embroiled in it and it won't scramble my brain. Do you have an uncooked version to recommend?

I mean, I don't know. I just use cloud code. I don't use it to consult for anything. Just be like, damn, I don't want to use it like advanced Google, basically. Yeah, it's just, it's like a better Google because SEO ruined Google. Yeah. And so now they made a robot to like undo SEO. Yeah.

it's like if Google you could ask it like instead of like how do I write this code you could just say write this code right the code and then you have to ask it how do I debug this because you fucked it up for me but then it's like just anything that yeah undoing the undoing the SEO fuckups of Google

it's good at it's just like a tool man don't it's always wrong you can't that's the thing is like you can't think it's like it's like you know the argument like well the computer makes like music and video stuff easy and it's like well you can still do a bad job at it

like most if not almost all of them do it's just that like I'm a heavy heavy user and I will tell you that it's it makes it will make smart people more productive than

than you can even imagine oh it's killer yeah and stupid people will it will make them more dangerous than ever that's also and neither neither of them will know well smart people know but stupid people will not will not know that they're they're just making like tool shaped objects right you know back and forth shape store they're at the shape store they're at the fucking shade that's what it is dude because yeah i mean even i'm at the point where there's times where i'm just like i know i could sit and learn what all these functions and these methods are but i'm like every time i'm learning it from

square one. Like, there's just no point. I don't just type it in, be like, hey, do this. Leave all the comments I would leave and then call it a day. I don't know how,

I guess I, for the first time maybe, I feel like lucky to be older. Before AI, I was like, fuck, I just don't have the energy to learn, like,

to learn all these endless new frameworks and shit. That's what it's good for. Now, I'm like, I know I have I know so much more about structure and architecture than you guys like you guys you guys never had to build this the correct way so you don't know that's you just you just there's an element of like

you just have to trust the computer I actually know when it's fucking up right when it's doing it so you're it's like a it's like a if you're like an anal retentive type A micromanaging You could micromanage the shit out of it. Oh, you can have six going. Like, wrong, wrong, wrong, like whackamol. It's just beautiful. There's never been a tool like this for people like us.

You know, usually you have to tamp, you have to handicap your brain and the way you talk to people so much that it's like being a fucking slave. If you're having to deal with them. Yeah. But now, all of that's gone. All of that's gone. directed however you want with the precision that you could never even imagine

but I don't know you have to be more specific about the other part of me wants it wants to treat it with a boomer mentality where I utilize it as a novelty at best and that perhaps my sense of creativity won't be degraded if I keep it at arm's length unlike the iPad kids who are growing up

to be ridiculously retarded because of how they got into it at early ages do you have any thoughts about this yeah it's you gotta you gotta develop some actual skills that's gonna be the hardest thing well and be creative too like you can't it's not a replacement for creativity because that always sounds like in whatever format you're printing it out in comes across like complete dog shit yeah it's like if you're like oh well i don't want to sit here and generate a bunch of shapes yeah manually because you know there's only so many times you should have to draw a circle in your

life, right? Like, at a certain point, it's like, okay, we all get what it looks like. I'm not going to take the time to learn how to draw a perfect fucking circle. Not again. Yeah, not again. I drew one of those once. That was fine. That's exactly what it's for. Kungfu necktie.com, balder says. Oh, that's cool. Value select. Tight. I appreciate the move away from the biggest problem. It's tough. It's going to be generating, generating experience and wisdom was taken as a given. 10 years ago But now with AI You're gonna have to work at learning it

You're gonna have to Oh yeah Look at deciphering you know You're gonna have to take lessons from failures You didn't make Which is gonna be a lot harder It's crazy than ones that you made Hard to remember

I appreciate the move away from the biggest problem I don't know if dropping the biggest problem Means you need means you intend to approve The Energy of TDS What the fuck kind of question is this after What the hell How dare you say this to me on my son's birthday? But I'll still be a Patrioni

Because after essentially eight solid years of quality shows Oh, it's 10. Man, who is this guy? Ten years of quality shows. You've earned the right to drop the tempo for a while. Oh, fuck you. Up to you if you deem to read this on TBS or not. Go fuck yourself, Nick from Florida.

Why don't you kill yourself, Nick from Florida? Why don't you get hit by a hurricane? Okay, that's the show, everybody. I can hear the baby crying. go to emmanuel muskets.com fucking kung fu necktie

what he's stealing a sandwich for? Isn't that a little on the nose? He said I'll gladly pay you nose day for a sandwich today. Fucking wimpy ass. Oh. Just a couple.

A.I. of Lindsay Graham going to hell. Yeah, so long, buddy. Hey, Dick and Johnny. What? Sorry, I got a call. What makes me array is people's aversion to modern architecture. There are all these people on Twitter and online or whatever. Oh, just see any picture of the Stidieth house from the 1920s with grandma decoration in it. and they see like an updated picture of it where it looks fine. Might not look the best, but it's just fine. And people are like, oh my gosh, this looks so much better before. No.

I don't why people just hate anything new. It's not. They really do hate it. RIP pig and looking forward to super colors. I mean, they probably hated it back then, too. I'm sure. I hate this modern architecture. Why don't we go back to columns?

Why don't we just live in lean twos? Hey, Dick. Hey, Johnny. I just got home driving drunk from an African wedding. And I started to think about what Johnny said about Lynn Biscuit. I put it on. He was fucking right. It really brings a white boy home.

There you go. You're right. Snootches for Johnny. Love you, Dick. Go bug yourself. Thank you. Sometimes you must remember who you are. You get those big ass blackfly sunglasses.

You get a backwards fucking fox motorcycle equipment hat. Tell everyone to go fuck themselves. What's up Dick and Johnny? This is Rex Dexton. What makes me rage is millennials who go back to school. I know this chick, comically large tities. I was fucking her missionary. And for those who don't know, that's where the girl is on top.

And her tits are just flapping in her face. It was sexy as fuck, but also he'll live. She's, uh, anyway, she's decided to get this environmental studies degree or some shit and sending me Snapchats all day of her textbooks like I'm supposed to be impressed. Did you know there are stalactites and stalagmites? Which I work with classified scientific information every day. I mean, I don't understand it, but you know this and you're still sending me retarded shit trying to impress me. Like I got my, I got my master's three and a half, uh, three and a half decades ago and you're still fighting at your community college to understand. the fucking ground. Like, just play Stardu Valley and be grateful you married well. And go fuck yourself.

Married. Man. Man. That's like, that's what bitches do, man. Yeah. Look at what I'm learning. Look at his picture of a book. Aren't you proud of him getting smart?

Yeah. She'd be like, yeah, keep reading. I know all about stalactite. Do you not want her to know about stalactites? This guy's team fucking stalagmite. Or stalactite, whichever the opposite one. Hello, Johnny, the best fun salesman in the world.

Got a counteroffer for you. I just want to see what you would think about it. Oh. 20% for you and you do one Patreon bonus episode a month. Would you have accepted that offer? These guys are all like... Let's make a deal now. They all want to get in on...

Everyone wants to get in on negotiations. They think it's like monopoly. properties now. They want to negotiate. I smell a negotiation. I got to get in there. Maybe I can negotiate something. What about this?

Let's have a compromise. It's like offers from... He just said no. He said no. Something about a financial relationship that he didn't want to, because he can't email me or some... I never email the bank, but they fucking take money on my account every month. Yeah, somehow I'm able to pay my cell phone bill and...

people around the world taking money out of my account that I don't have a... Mr. AT&T? How am I supposed to pay you if we don't have a... If we can't email each other? So I thought to myself, you know what I'm going to do? It's hot as fuck outside. Yeah. I'm going to go to Home Depot with the Mexicans at 7 a.m. in the morning or, you know,

whatever time for the Home Depot opens up, like 7 a.m. I think myself, perfect. I will be in and out. And no luck. No, you know, I'll just, whatever, you know what I'm saying? And I get there, and I got my fool corning, I go and stand, there's one guy in line, self-checkout's closed, I said, oh, no problem, there's just one guy. It's an old fucking man, saying with a check and explaining to a 20-year-old or so or whatever,

like, we're done. We're done right now. Like, oh, you know, kids don't even, kids don't even know how to use money anymore, and I'm sitting there fucking, like, this is not even real. why it's like a meme and fucking the 20 year old is like sir the fucking the check is not working and the old man is all the hard of a second one and i'm thinking myself how do you assail is they're not like a hotline that immediately when someone uses a check they just come they just get picked up they just get picked up and taken to yeah the dump

or uh whatever whatever dropped off in fucking space fucking boomers man i'm like how the fuck There's supposed to be like a five-minute chivalrypo just fucking 20-minute fucking trip on you go and you're fucking old ass like god damn anyways go fuck ourselves Thanks Should have ripped it up Rip that shit up

When you see it's always the like Let me teach you something about life And it's like dog Checks don't exist anymore Money doesn't exist anymore actually Please get that shit the fuck out of here How is this money? That's not digital

You got a computer in your pocket You'd knock the computers together At this point you can And it works Yeah On the old days it was like two papers together I remember that Not anymore

All right goodbye everybody See everybody Oh just in the nick of town