The Dick Show - Episode 517 - Dick on the Mexican MMORPG

Episode Date: July 20, 2026

A fat woman requires an airlift, strange flashbacks in the Odyssey, a woman's reaction to responsibility, new broadcast rules for female athletes, free communist babysitting, drive-by hatespeech, and aliens vs. demons; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

There's so many guardrails on everything anymore It's fucking bullshit, man Sharpen a pencil in the way I like to I want to take a brand new pencil that's flat On the bottom and turn it to where it's Just the fucking metal Even a couple of rings off the eraser Yeah

Yeah, yeah, oh yeah Just make that shit dangerous, man Is that working? Is it sound working? It's working Oh, my ears are so fucked today Amazing I always wonder if the people in my life think like God, is he really mad at me today or something Does he just hate me right now?

Everybody, because I'm just sitting there and all I can hear is, ah! And it just hurts, it's talk. My son doesn't care. He stands right in front of me. He goes, ah! Like, all right. Love it.

Cool. I like the white hot pain. That's wonderful. I got to have like a... You know what I really love about it are the articles about how AirPods are like scrambling your brain and fucking with your endocrine system how's your endocrime system fucked to death dog how's your crime system your internal endocrime system fully online yeah fully online my endo crime system is fully operational every once and a while god damn it

leave that there don't worry i threatened to divorce my wife because she was going to pick up some food donnie threw on the floor at a restaurant said do not absolutely do not do that if it was a Mexican restaurant for sure do not do that I will divorce you right here at the table if you if one of those pieces of food

ends up off the floor by your hand thank you and Johnny for all the laughs rip Sean and fuck super scammer veto go fuck yourself electrical Joe Electrical Joe has sent us these t-shirts

Wow thank you electrical Joe Dick and this one's for you Johnny oh cool what was I saying something about the ring something else I don't know but your son not caring about the ring he doesn't care

and people wondering if you hate them hopefully he never will oh no it was the it was the goddamn earbuds because I have to wear earbuds until they die basically

like I have to I put them in and I listen to static and it's like life saving right it's just like oh god and then I can listen to anything and it's like it doesn't matter

it's just so, so much better. But then when they run out, I'm like, fuck, you know, right back to dry reality. So I got to get a rotation of those so I can swap them out and keep them charged and, you know, not ruin my whole day

when I forget to charge them. But then, sure shit, some pencil dick engagement farmer every, it's about every month. Some pencil dick piece of shit engagement farming asshole

do I have the audio on here engagement farming asshole we'll post some Twitter about how those things are fucking up your brain and your endocrine system and he's like so you know and everybody joins in on it on the fun like yeah I need to cut down and I only wear them for calls and something like I wear those fucking things all fucking day

I'm scrambling my brains man shit stop posting that crap it's always these fucking engagement farmers, man. Always engagement farming. There's been engagement farmers, you know, forever. We just didn't really have a word for them because you could avoid them.

Yeah. You just go like, stop talking to me or go away from me. Get out of here. But now they're just wheedling in. Dude, there's a few that have been inescapable in the audio business lately. Oh, yeah. Because you're stuck. You're stuck at the computer.

I'm stuck. That's where they got you. Or you're stuck with equipment and stuff. Well, dude, there was this one engagement farm post going around right now that all preamps sound the same. And this guy takes his focus right little interface and takes it to a studio and go see these actually read out the same. And it's like, I watch, I watched five seconds of it and went, I'm not falling for this. And every single person I know has fucking lost their minds. Fat con. Look at this. Fat con shirts.

What? Yes. Dude. Maybe I need to go to Fat Con. Electrical Joe? My spirits. Fat Con it is. Yes.

Thank you, electrical Joe. Yes. Look at that. Look at their logo. It's like the Venusian man but a fat bitch. The Vianna man. Yeah. Welcome to Dick.

If you want Dick, you need Dick. You love Dick. You got it. It's the show where I'm in the contest. It's coming here live from Mount Bunker Deep in the heart of the city of failure. You're host Dick Masterson, AKA the $20 million man. Joining me is Johnny the audio engineer. Fat con, man, I got to go.

I got to go. That's like my mecca. I got to go. Well, they're so fat, it's both mecca and Medina. I don't know what to do there. That's going to be my third act. That'll be my third and final trick. You know how like those like humans of New York style accounts or it's like, hey, we'll give you a dollar and just tell us your story, you know?

And it's like, here, sit down and tell us your story. And as soon as you finish that box of Twinkies, then you're done. You're out of here. We're done. Get 10-second stories from them all. Oh, man, here's one. Here's some good news. Or try and sit them down for a podcast interview, right?

Yeah. And then the chair breaks every time. You just have a stash of new chairs. Have a seat. And then every chair breaks. Every chair breaks. every fucking time. Booby-trapped food.

You know, booby traps are illegal, though, I guess. Can't have any fun. How can you claim that we booby-trapped our chairs? Like, this is fucking... No one's going to believe you. I'm so glad I knew this was going to make its way in. Look at this.

Some fat bitch, a woman gets heat exhaustion. Heat exhaustion. I think she got diabetic. Diabetes exhaustion. Meat exhaustion. Meat exhaustion. Too many burgers on that trip. Man, that is one fat bitch.

Woman gets heat exhaustion only two miles into a hike at Yosemite. It has to be airlifted out. The group she was hiking with may be responsible for the $70,000 helicopter bill. Wow, insanity law. $70,000. What size is? Wow big was the helicopter. Get out of here, you see.

It was like, it wasn't a. Black Hawk. It was a Blackbird Super Sonic Jet. Oh my God. Is this a this is the group you win? God damn it! I can't pause it without logging in. At one point you see a bit of a rainbow

in a shot and I'm like, did you really think there was lucky charms at the end of that? Is that what the motivation for this was? Who has convinced these? They're delusional. They're just delusional. They're just delusional. They're actually think that they could, that they're capable of it.

The walking is just putting one foot after the other. Yeah, I walk to the bathroom every day. So. I walked to my car and back. Yeah. Of course, I can obviously do a hike, right? Man. Every, every component of their life, delusion.

Wild delusion. I'm just putting this, I'm just putting this secret code in. I will say the most confusing thing I ever see on a hike anywhere. Mostly in LA is you'll be somewhere like way the fuck out there and all of a sudden you see a Mexican family with like a baby stroller with those plastic. I'm like and jeans. Yeah, and jeans and like after church. I'm like how the fuck did you guys get all the way up here? I'm sweating to death and you guys are like just chugging along. No like like a spot out there man. They do that at the beach too. They spawn out there with their jeans in the middle of the ocean and then they got to swim ashore. That's what happens to Mexicans. They get randomly teleported because of the. ancient Aztec curse. When you log out too long, you spawn somewhere entirely different. Their whole family. Oi, we're out in the middle of the woods.

Oh, ay, aye, aye. So they got to hoof it all the way back home. A little triangle on the map, like, fuck. Yeah, fuck. Or they randomly spawn in the middle of the ocean, and they got to swim back to L.A. That's why they're not out there in jeans swimming. That's just their natural state that they spawn in.

It's like your starter clothes in the MMO or something. it's a Mexican MMO world we're living in and you and I are just NPCs in their adventure Mexican MO an MMO that we're living in we're just the expansion pack in their Mexican online adventure Once you realize that

Everything's a lot easier to handle Yo did you guys get that Beverly Hills DLC? That shit was crazy Why these Mexicans acting like this Breaking all the laws flaunting local conventions parked in the middle of the fucking street oh because they're in an MMO M M M M M M M M M M M O

One of my favorite things about Skid Row is when you get all the rundown businesses like in the buildings And then all the tent businesses right outside the door It's just like You know Why aren't they just Why aren't restaurants just burning them down

When there's a giant fucking carnitas stand That opens in front of the restaurant that costs a fortune to maintain and get a liquor license and all this shit, why don't they just keel haul them? Like, tie a rope

to the stove, the little Mexican pantheria, and toss a hook out into traffic. What the fuck, man? How are they not more piss off about this? How are the Mexican shop owners not more piss off about this? It's fucking the whole game.

I'm just gonna go right in front of Target and sell a bunch of candles and adulting shit for horrors. See how long it takes? takes me to do that. My favorite business model I've seen come from that is the Burger King on sunset. Oh my God, I feel alive again.

Right, yeah. God, why don't I wake? My wife is right. Every time I wake up hungover, she goes, are you going to have another beer? And I think it's to spite me. Right. I think it's to reverse,

psychologize me into not drinking in the morning again. She tricked you. She tricked me. She probably just being nice, but the brain says, I better not, I can't let her win. Even though she's right. It, the damned if you do, damned if you don't.

We had Johnny's first birthday party yesterday. How'd it go? It's great. Somebody, I knew I shouldn't have just left the keg pump open to where anybody could pump it. It's going great for about halfway through the party. And then halfway through I went back and tried to refill my beer and shot a super-soaker out of the front. It's like, who the foam out of the front? I was like, who the fuck pumped this?

Like they're jacking off. They're at the jackoff Olympics. Who the fuck pumped my keg? Like they're at the jackoff Olympics, I announced. Nobody like that, none too much. Your dad just get bored and start fucking going at it. Not realizing he was just fucking. Oh, man.

So my brother-in-law was over. They came over first to help me set up. And I got the keg out. And I'm like, hey, do you remember? remember how to tap one of these like from college right and he goes yeah you know here give me that but you got to be careful because when you when you first tap it sometimes it sprays a little bit and he turned it and it fucking it was exploded all over the window and on the ceiling i'm like I'm just covered right like I just showered and got ready after cleaning up everything

because I didn't want to be like sweaty and smelly and now I'm covered in beer and it was my special party shirt so I couldn't change it into another one. He's like, oh yeah, sorry, you can't help that. I'm like, well, you... And my, I looked at my wife, I'm like, uh-oh, this will be the one. This is gonna be the one that sets her off, right? I looked over it, she's like,

mm-hmm, like, oh, I just sprayed beer all over the inside of those. And he goes, well, you can't really help it. We could have moved it outside. It's right in front of a door. I could have put a towel over it There's a lot of things we could have done Okay, there's always something you could do about it

It's always something that could be done Don't give me that Then I gotta get a towel And I start walking through water I'm like, what the fuck is this? Is the garbage disposal Busted again? Which I finally got to the bottom of The I don't know what to use your own

You know what you know what slur to use for the people that everyone knows the people who flip my house before me so we all know what slur to use

those fucking when they hooked up the garbage disposal the little elbow thing that goes down into their pipe was too long so they cut it

and they cut it way too short I finally took it apart and I'm like oh I see what the problem is like they cut it so it's just barely touching the other pipe

oh okay you fucking yeah um You mysterious entities. Mysterious entities. I saw...

Let me find this. I saw Joe Rogan and J.D. Vance talking about... I don't even know how to qualify this. It's like... It's like bro Christianity. They're talking about aliens.

And they're talking about... J.D. Vance is talking about how aliens are demons and shit. They had an actual conversation about this. It's like something that is schizophrenic homeless person would be screaming at you at the bus stop. Well, actually, actually, I think UFOs are actually demons. And then Joe Rogan managed to out-retard him and say, like, well, some of them are helpful. Some of the aliens are helping us. You know, totally preposterous, like, retard chunk of shit that you're saying.

And fans goes, oh yeah, though, you know what I call those? Angels. Like, are you guys like, this is our best this is the best of our best here it starts getting to a point where everyone starts sounding like fucking kids trying to explain their dreams yeah and it's like this is the most

retarded shit I've ever experienced you guys just believe in God and not be huge gay lords right about it or aliens does everything have to be like a shared universe do all your retarded belief systems have to have a shared

fucking universe well you know big chungus existed the same time jesus did so fucking he's jesus chungus rogan you said something i thought was very odd you said that you thought there were demons yeah call that insane uh okay i did say that what did you mean by that if we're talking about extraterrestrial beings that is a human like but not human that contains effectively infinite powers and is torturing human beings you can call that an alien if you want but i think you call that a demon. What the fuck are you talking about, man? You're the guy

who's running America like in a, by an inch. Like, Trump gets shot, has a heart attack or something, you're running the whole world. Talking about aliens, torturing people? What the fuck are you talking about? Can you say something about like our

money system? Fatherless behavior. Yeah. You shouldn't ever be thinking about aliens and demons. Nobody with a job needs to be thinking about aliens and demons. We'll see if you said that shit to your dad And didn't get your ass kicked Does he have a dad

J.D. Vance? That explains a lot That's what I'm saying though Your deal maybe is his dad Fucking talking about all this shit In a serious manner Son I heard you on I would get a call I heard you on Rogan today

Talking about aliens and demons What the fuck were you? I met an alien Be like yep this is what I knew I shouldn't have been talking about Bruising for a fucking bruising right now After Rogan describes An alleged encounter With beings

healed a man. Vance flips the frame. Extra powerful beings in this case communicating telepathically helping people sounds like an angel. Man. We're just running out of shit to be saying and doing, right?

You know we have actual problems, right? Like, that need people to like think it out and plan it out. Execute a plan. But like you could why not talk to Joe Rogan about some retarded shit instead? Was there,

Anything more retarded that could have come out on this? I don't know. I truly... Just copy and replace aliens with like star signs. If they both had wigs on, I think I'd watch it. If they both had wigs on? Yeah. I'd be like, okay, at least it's a giant bit, but this is like...

If they both had alien heads on. That would be funny too. That's cool. I'm walking through water. Alien bodies human heads. I'm walking through water and I trace it back to my dad's cooler. Like, hey, I know what this is. He didn't screw the thing in, right?

Screwed it in. You know, the bunghole on the bottom of the drain hole and the cooler. The bunghole. The drain hole and the cooler. I got, you motherfuckers. So I screw that in. You know, stop up the water and I go over it and I said, hey, you, I know how it's going to go. I said, hey, you didn't screw in the drain hole in your computer and your cooler.

You got water everywhere all over the kitchen. And he goes, what? I didn't I just brought the cooler That was your ice And I said that was your ice I'm too motherfucker You brought the cooler with the ice

And he goes oh I think it's condensation Man Get out of here I don't even care Yeah I've never walked through A Yeti doesn't have condensation Don't you read the tag

Yetis don't have condensation Maybe your busted ass blue Igloo Coleman from the 70s did Not Yeti So I'm not gonna have a fight with you on my son's birthday like this I know that you did it I don't need you to validate that I saw with my own fucking eyes

I screwed it in He's gonna go unscrew it Just to say that you didn't Condensation It's not fucking condensation It's water Fucking five foot puddle of condensation my ass Yeah you'd be drowning by the end of the day

Get out of here You're out You're ejected. Take your cooler. I fucking knew it because I did the same thing last. I don't know. A couple years ago. Fucked up the floor.

I was like, oh, man. Damn it. Why didn't make these stupid drain holes anyway? They don't even go, they don't go fast enough to do anything. You gotta flip the cooler over anyway. Well, and they fucking stop draining at a spot where you're left. Yeah, you're loving a bunch of crappy water.

Yeah. Just make the bottom open. Make it like a fucking cheesecake pan. Yeah. Three part fucking cooler. Conundation. Like, you motherfucker. It's not conundation.

He's always got something up his sleeve, your dad. Okay, let me listen to this video this time. So this is a big, fat whale. I don't think the hiking trails are even big enough for her. No, even like the paved ones. Yeah. Ray suffered heat exhaustion after hiking just two miles. And her hiking group could now be facing a 70.

Look at it. Look at her in this, in this gurney. They're taking her out of the park. Wow! She should sue McDonald's for this. These people got to get together and sue the people that are doing this to them. To help kind of pay for this ticket,

they should use her briefly as a wrecking ball for skyscrapers set for demolition. Yeah, to do some snow clearing. Yeah, offset the cost a little bit, you know. look at this body shape she looks like a she looks like a wrecking ball

you're right she looks exactly like her ragging ball two little legs two little bones coming out of her this giant fat blob this intricate system

of knees and and bones like how do you continue on your day knowing you have now like looking fat and horrendous is one thing

but then to have looked this fucking pathetic and helpless like getting paraded around for the whole world to see? How do you... I like that they have to pay, but why do they have to pay? What's the helicopter for?

Like, what else are they going to do? Just let her die? What if you refuse? Like, no, I don't... I guess you could just sleep there and, like, boost up your stamina again. You got to pay the Pied Piper, dude. Why don't they just make her sit there?

So she loses weight? Why is it that all these fat soes don't just get made to sit there and recharge and hike it out over and hoof it out over a couple days. Like, why are they always getting airlifted? They got to be baby. Yeah. I don't get it. Of all the inconvenient things that we have to suffer through, how come as soon as a fatso gets like two miles into a trail, they get airlifted out at the drop of the hat?

It's so fucking crazy, dude. It really is. Because it's like, why? Why? Why did you airlift this? Why does this even exist? Yeah. And it's like seeing this too, it's like you can't ever be like, well, all bodies are the same. Or like, you know, like, I'm not a fat piece of shit.

I could be healthy at any size. It's like, really? You couldn't even get two miles out. They got to either pay 70 grand or sign of a form that says, I'm a fat piece of shit. And they drop you from whatever height. They see how high they can get up. Like when they blew up that whale. Remember when they blew up the, they exploded a whale?

Just chunks and land on people's cars. you can smell that shit for like 90 mile radius like wow I'm really just not confident that Joe Rogan and Jady Vance can cook up a good plan to you know fix up the country when they're goofing around about aliens and raping people and demons and stuff I just think maybe they got their priorities all out of whack that's all with that and like what does Joe Rogan have left to talk about

made up shit I guess that's what I could be talking about Stephen Universe for all I fucking care? I mean, it may as well be at this point. Who went in a fight? An alien or a ghost? Like, man, this is. That's, to me, that's the whole premise of Dragon Ball Z.

How are you guys my fucking age with like, and you're wasting your time on this crap? Right. Thinking about it. You're clearly thinking about it in your off time. They're obsessing about it, dog. They're like, they're hyped on aliens and demons and angels. Angels and Dominicans. it's like a coming out story

this is why I'm gay I don't care this is what I think about here's what I here's my take on aliens and demons nah man keep that shit to yourself stupid uh okay

$70,000 helicopter rescue bill the video showed Grace starting the hike before later being airlifted by a search and rescue is this real is this community a girl named Grace suffered heat exhaustion after hiking just two miles.

So they're, okay, so the National Park Service states it will not charge visitors for search and rescue operations. Okay, but then you guys have to like not rescue everybody. Right. This was not a rescue.

That's, that because of that, now that's set a bad precedent. Yeah, she was in the danger of like missing a couple meals. That's not a rescue operation. Somebody should be fired for that. Her hiking group could now be facing a 70,000,

dollar's helicopter rescue bill. The video showed Grace starting the hike before later being airlifted by a search and rescue helicopter. Grace became too weak to continue after walking about two miles. So the group stopped while guides Raptor in an emergency blanket and called for a helicopter. One blanket? No, I've been wrapped in one of those blankets. That's not big enough.

They wrapped her head like a big potato. They wrapped her in that tarp that they covered Burbank with during the war. The fake helicon, the fake planes on? Yeah, or like the fake fucking like jungle and shit. Oh yeah. They'd fly over and it would just look like desolate. Yeah. Look at this dude in the back.

Look at this guy. He's like, what? This wrecked my day. I was going to have a nice hike. Oh, dude. Well, it reminds you like, you remember being in like a school field trip and you got the one. There's always the one fatty, right? And it's like, God damn it.

And then it's like, we're going to go for a little hike up, you know, through the neighborhood. And it's like this dramatic. like I feel like I'm dying and then got to sit there and then wait all day for them to recoup and stuff and it's like it feels like that all over again it's like everybody's got to pretend like they don't have eyes now that's what it is yeah

and I think that's what makes me so sick about it all it's like we got to like we can't state the obvious here yeah like you can't call it what it is because then you're going to be you like one will you know a fat person will tie their shoes

and then they'll throw themselves like an I was right, you were wrong parade. Yeah. That person will buy a three-foot shoehorn and then say, it's not my fault, it's actually the world's fault. Here's the Communist Party. Denver DSA.

First Denver DSA general meeting at Malatz. I don't know, another communist one. Packed house, line out the door, they took it down because they got well, I don't know why, but people are saying this, because look how many of them are wearing masks. Look at this.

One, two, three, four, it's like half of them. Dude, half of it. Look at this fucking weirdo. Dick, you gotta be careful, dude, that fresh air might get you. This air isn't even fresh.

They're masked up. They're COVID-masked air. Musty-ass MPR room. Old library NPR room. Now, you wear your COVID mask. Now, tell us the, no, tell us about the safety

it provides you. Look at all of all of them are. I was saying 50% as a joke, but it looks like it about 50% of them. If not more. They're wearing COVID masks.

Still. Still in this year of our Lord. That's so crazy to me. God, you have to be so fucked up to get to that point. Yeah. No.

There you have it. Okay, here's Supreme Court. Amy Coney Barrett. They have required threats. death threats she's received

chilling threats her family's face revealing the terrifying moment her 12 year old son discovered a bulletproof vest in her bedroom during the fallout of the Dobbs league what was the Dobbs

which one was Dobbs something about abortion that was the tiger from that fucking comic strip Dobbs Calvin and Dobbs Barrett also recounted a recent swatting incident at her home They swatted her

Am Swatting people are really stupid They'll fall for anything man And received threatening anonymous deliveries Whoa anonymous deliveries Warning that while federal judges continue to do their jobs Without fear or favor The current threat is really high

Okay Let's see what this idiot This is the woman who reads recently destroyed Western civilization by deciding that it's cool for Chinese communists to have infinity babies here and a bunch of a bunch of South American parasites. It was cool to just come here and become citizen. Basically deciding that citizenship doesn't exist and the only thing that exists is taxes. That's it. That's the only real thing because you can't cross the border and stop paying taxes, which is odd because you can't cross the border and stop paying taxes, which is odd because you can't. cross the border and start receiving taxes. So I guess it only goes one way. I can't just walk across the border to Mexico on April 15th and say,

well, I guess I'm not a citizen because, like, you know, I'm over here now. So I don't know any taxes. That doesn't exist, but here's what this idiot has to say. So I thought I would just share a little bit about how the threats have affected me and my family personally. They have required me to, my children, to think about and see. that children should not have to see or think about. One example is when threats to my life were particularly intense a few years ago around the time of the Dobbs leak.

My security detail sent me home with a bulletproof vest, and I carried it into my house, put it into my bedroom, dropped it down on a table, turned around, and my 12-year-old son was standing in the doorway of my bedroom, and he wanted to know what it was and why I had it, and I didn't know how to respond, because maybe I lack imagination, but I didn't expect that performing this service was going to put me in the position of explaining to my children

what a bulletproof vest was and why I had to wear one. I can't imagine someone more disqualified for the job that they're doing than someone who, number, I mean, number one, doesn't think that your life is in danger when you're deciding on either freedom or tyranny that seven billion people are going to be subject to, number one, where trillions of dollars are at stake. I can't imagine the childishness that lurks in the mind of someone who doesn't assume that their life is going to be under constant threat and surveillance once they become a Supreme Court justice.

And number two, I even more can't imagine. uh someone's uh inability to explain to a teenage boy what a bulletproof vest is so he doesn't like have a fortnight account he didn't play any games at all he doesn't like what is he reading never watched a movie he doesn't watch a movie does he know what a gun is also what do you have to explain it's in the fucking name what's that it's a bulletproof vest what does it do Are you stupid? Yeah. Did you not hear what mom just said?

It's a bulletproof vest. Yeah. Stopps bullets. If anything, it's cool. It doesn't take a lot of explaining. It really doesn't. Fucking sanctimonious bitch. So what are we supposed to do?

Oh man, you got to, hey kids, you got to be real careful. There's a lot of, there's a lot of pedophiles and murderers and rapists in the U.S. now. Um, because this woman voted for it. This woman decided. should happen. This woman right here is really, there you go. That's the conversation that everyone has to have with their kids now.

Thanks to you. Yeah. Thanks, literally thanks to you for making that for making that an increasingly necessary conversation. She should have given him the bulletproof vest and said, here you go, who's your future now? You didn't already have a bulletproof vest? Yeah, what the fuck? You don't have like

bulletproof house? Probably get one of those. Have bulletproof windows on my Miata Do people in politics Like just free ball it They don't even have a bulletproof vest I would think you'd want to have one Just for the hell of it

You'd want like a Kevlar blazer at least Yeah at least one Just like a Why's your son rooting around in your closet Yeah, what do you do? Why did you make it a big deal? Why is your neurosis everyone's problem? Why is it always everyone's problem?

You know what fucking people with the White House need? fucking underwear you can't shit dude Al Roker style I didn't expect that performing this service was gonna put me in a position of explaining to my children what a bulletproof vest was and why I had to wear one

the service of selling my country out yeah this service of fucking everyone over great service another service I didn't ask for yeah are you getting paid for this service okay so I mean it's not really a service then is it I'm serving my and then it says country but in parentheses

these self-interest. Yeah, I'm serving myself, I'm serving my two Haitian kids, my adopted Haitian kids. Unbelievable. Yeah. I can't believe. Why are these people shooting at me?

Why are these people pissed at me? All I did was take away their abortions. Yeah. I'm just the reason everything's going to suck now. Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you, women. Remain to be the issue New broadcast restrictions for female athletes

Let me see this Uh This did you see The Odyssey No Man I'm smarter than to watch movies I really don't Yeah

I don't know why I don't know why people People on the right are like Well I guess they they have, it's their job to just be upset about everything all the time. Yeah. They really hate it. Well, dude, it is crazy because like with my experience working on some of this shit, it's like,

you see it and it's like, okay, I see the vision here. I see like the certain parts we're working on. Yeah. And then you see a cut and you're like, oh, okay, like I get it. Like all the cool parts are going to get taken out. And then you see the final cut and it's all the cool parts are taken out. And it's like, oh, okay, like, just as I suspected every single fucking time. I'm like, and I've learned in that to like not be like, can you believe this happened?

It's like, yeah, they've been like, that's like. I can't believe the Odyssey got made. Like, who gives a shit? That seems like something you do in the 90s. They got to, right. They got to redo that Romeo and Juliet with, um, what's his face again? Leonardo DiCaprio. Like an old Leonardo decafrivate.

A fat one and just, except Juliet's still 16. That would be the modern Hollywood interpreter. Jesus Christ. God damn. 16 and black. Oh my God. saw that one battle after another movie. What a weird,

it's a real weird insight into their liberal mind, like, the whole movie is based on this, like, they have this, like, chungus, like,

network of freedom fighters that they all communicate in code. And they're like, they're, they're bringing immigrants over secretly and, like, sneaking them into the house. And I'm like, that's not real life.

Like, in real life, if they're sneaking immigrants in through a house, they're, using them as for prostitutes. Like they're giving hand jobs all day. They're sending them out. They're sending them out to walk the street at night.

This is, and they're not, they're also not, like, sneaking in, like, Harriet Tubman style. They're just running across, they're flying in and staying here. They're running across the border. There's no sort of control at all. I would think I'd like to point out, too, that you are contributing to a false history with the Harriet Tubman thing. Why?

Because she didn't do any of that shit. She didn't? No. What does she do? She just made a bunch of that shit up. Yeah, she was like retarded and had syphilis or something. And so these assholes really try. They Helen Kellarder, dude.

Dude, the same thing happened to that Catch Me If You Can guy. That movie is that didn't, none of it is real. Like none of the guy was not in prison, none of it. None of it was real. Who is that guy that? So the con man just convinced everyone that he was this. That's even funnier, yeah. What did you think?

It was from a con man. like you guys didn't check this? I don't know. I read it on it's on Twitter or something. Well, there was that guy who I just remember this being a big deal like as a kid but some guy wrote this book about like being

a drug addict and all this shit and like made it on to Oprah Oh, the million fiber. Talley. Was that with, okay. Tally. Yeah. Yeah. I just always think that's fucking funny too. I'm like, well. It's all made up. Like, yeah, you guys think

fucking the, because it's written it means something. You think because they're real? Like it's better or worse now? is something retarded on TV, too. Like, just because you think, think that you're thinking by reading this, it's like, doesn't do anything. None of you read it anyway.

You just read the dialogue. You just like knowing that you supported this guy's story. I didn't see The Odyssey either. It seemed like, I don't know how you make a movie about people fighting backwards in time and then go,

I'm going to make the Odyssey, like shit that kids watch and when the teachers hung over. I want to see them drive the log into the Cyclops's eyes. that would be tight. I don't know if they do that. Ah, see,

but they got, they, so they do Elliot Page, right? You know, Elliot Page? Have you seen his tits? You mean those fucking stellar abs, dude?

I've seen his abs, yeah. So they got Elliot Page. It seems like to me, I guess I got to watch the movie to be sure, but it seems like to me that they made him Achilles but then renamed it to a part of character that doesn't exist. because he's talking to L.A. Page in hell

and he's supposed to be talking to Achilles in hell. I don't know. It seems like they just raped it so many different ways. Well, I thought they'd all be in hell for being homosexual. Oh. You know what? That Greeks are homosexual shit? Yeah.

That's actually a... It's a Roman thing. Liberal media bullshit. Oh? They made that shit up. Yeah. Petrolicus, Petrocolis, whatever his name was. Petrolius.

The oil baron. The oil baron. Petrolius and Achilles were not gay lovers. They were banging hores and slaves together. That's what... So they said these guys are queer because they're sleeping with hoes together,

but they're not. So you gotta strike all that Hades shit out of your brain. Well, but see, also, you have to account... They weren't gay. They were super straight. That's okay. Yeah.

But you still got to account for all of the rest of Greece, though. Like philosophy, gay. Yeah, true. Plato. gay, Aristotle, gay sculptures of weeners, gay

Gay, Super Bowl, gay just Parthenon gay Gay, yeah, Olympics gay, gay, yeah Holding the plucked chicken, gay So they got Elliot Page Right? Yeah, oh, right And he's

I guess, this is happening, I didn't check Mm-hmm, he's having flashbacks when he was a little boy Oh, and they were fucking him, yeah Gay, see? Yeah. That's Greek for you. That's what seems like a little much.

Elliot Page is like the Greek's strongest warrior, but then he's thinking and having flashbacks and memories. And he's a little boy in the flashbacks. I'm thinking, shouldn't it be a little girl? Like, oh. Wow. That's like the false memory implant kind of thing. Like, no, no, no, no. No, that's too much.

They're like, welcome to Greece, son. By the way, by the way, you're going to grow up to be a beautiful young woman. Just seems dumb to have a Odyssey movie. It would be different if there was like, like a series of like,

hey, you know, there's like, you know, Greek mythos inspired this happening here. Yeah. If there was like a bunch of shit happening, then it would make sense. They should have just gone all black.

It should have been like the black version of the Odyssey. That would be cool. That would have been tight. It's a Honda Odyssey. Da Odyssey. I don't know, but all the, all the, all the, all the, whining about it also made me go, like, I don't want to see this either. Well, to me, it's akin to, like, complaining about the Cinderella movie or whatever

Disney Princess movie comes out. Oh, yeah. It's like the way you went and saw a movie and then complained about it. I didn't like the way that princess made me feel. Oh, no. When was the last time a movie was good? Oh, wait. rarely if ever

like okay American fiction was good I didn't even see that oh man that's a good movie you got to see that if you're recommending it's about this black author who pretends to be like a ghetto

criminal and writes a book that's the Jay Z story yeah I know that one yeah and then he has to play that part that's fun okay and it's Felix Lightner

you know that guy from James Bond yeah that black guy killer he's awesome yeah it's a funny movie okay so I'll I'll dig into that then. New broadcasting guidelines for women's athletics

have been released to crack down on camera angles and slow motion replays that sexualize athletes. Well, we can't call it. I don't think it's a camera angle sexualizing them. I think it's my dick. Yeah, as I said, we can't call it broadcasting. If you can't see the broads. How about a, and it says here, this is okay?

See where she's going like, yay. And this is a shot right up her asshole. and it says X, don't do a shot like this, Johnny. So don't get right on the ground. Is this the new rules for Pokemon Snap? Snatch. I have never seen an angle like this at the Olympics where it's right up a woman's asshole.

Yeah, I didn't realize this is like the Resident Evil fucking Beachball, fucking whatever the fuck. They gave a Japanese pervert shoe cams to get these shots. When has this ever happened, right? I've never seen that. I've never fucking seen a shot like this. sometimes you'll see this is okay

I mean this is okay with a woman way out so you're not allowed to a woman is not allowed to take up more than 2% of the screen I guess all of them have to be wide shots and then here

it says no it's a woman bent over I guess she's picking something up off the coupon or something off the off the ground maybe it's just saying no brown women no yeah it is

huh this is oh no white women either huh was this a big problem i guess well see it's not a problem for me because sports gay dude yeah i'm not watching sports you're saying a bunch of homosexual men can't look at the ass of a female athlete what's the point what's the point of that as the women get fatter you're gonna wish fatter yeah yeah you can't we can't show them we can't even hint these are a It should have a disclaimer. This is a different species than your wife. So they should have to Photoshop a penis bulge on them.

They're future-proofing media with this. Because I start getting fucking fatter and fatter that, you know, MySpace angles will be the defining rule. I got too many toys. Did I tell you about my son's 70s toys? He's that 70s toys? So when he first had him, like, uh, oh, yeah. Get rid of this.

God forbid God forbid that anyone that anyone appreciate a woman's body in its peak right God forbid a little bit

God forbid a little bit of sexual human experience pervade into your otherwise autistic uh globo homo sporting event

you know God forbid God forbid someone see a nipple for God's sake yeah eke yeah my son had all these when we had them we've got

you know all these sets of grandparents scattered around like mine and you know my sister's in-laws and stuff and it was like okay this is the last one dump all the toys clear out the addicts right

all right this is the last baby for a while this is the last baby in this in this line right said just get rid of all the toys so we would come home with trash bags of toys and kind of dump them in wherever we could find space and I was in there my my wife was doing something and I was putting him to bed and playing with them before bath and stuff getting ready for bed and I was going for that I was like let's let's do a let's see what the new let's see what all the toys are here let's go through here and like look at these toys you've been playing with the same crappy stuff you know let's

see here so I start to unearth these toys like a archaeologist and they're like, as I go deeper and deeper, you can tell, I go through the late 80s, into the early 80s. You know, and I start touching, I'm like, I start seeing technology and materials. I'm like, we haven't seen this material being used to this way in a long, is that a, what kind of hinge is that brass in there?

What the fuck is this? So I find a big truck because he loves trucks and cars so much he got like his first word was Vroom we don't know where he picked this up Sick I don't know where he picked it up

But one day he just started picking up Toy cars and going Vroom Vroom Vroom Vroom Like how the fuck do you know That that sound Where did you even hear that sound But now you

How did you pair it with that So I'm going through And I'm like all right Here's a big truck Let's try this I put it down And I start to drive it And it's like

Ee Ee What the fuck is this? It's like metal On the underneath It's like 40, 50 years old Like this is not You shouldn't be playing

You shouldn't be playing with this It's like This is like Worse than the thrift store shit Forget why I started talking about don't Oh yeah that's all gone It's all new stuff now Um

Okay Oh Andrew Tate got arrested Oh shit Yeah Yeah, look at that in Miami. He was arrested for wearing... Arrested wearing the gayest outfit. Probably not.

People have probably been arrested wearing gayer stuff in Miami, but this is definitely a... This is definitely up there for gay outfits to be sent to prison in. There we go. There he is. Look at this.

Look at this. outfit. Look at this guy really duded up here, isn't he? Purple shirt. Unbuttoned unbuttoned down to his sternum or what do you call that?

Bone right there at the bottom of your chest. I'd say that's like sternum area. Too high? Not too high or too low. Go one higher or go one lower with that button? Yeah. Yeah. Very tight pants.

Like a fat woman tight. And then loafers with no socks. He's wearing. Wow, look at that. Uh, and he tries to hand his phone off to his bodyguard. Look this, look at this. See how he's like, grab his phone. Yeah.

He's like, hey, buddy, hey, take my phone. I don't want them to get, to grab my phone. And then the bodyguard doesn't take it. And it falls to the ground. round. Oh, oh, oh,

watch this. Oh, I'll just grab this phone right here. Huh? Well, damn.

He's going to England to get tried for rape. Cryptos scams. Well deserved.

Yeah, maybe that's it. I don't know. One Muslim grooming game. gang down there's 200,000 to go

pretty funny pretty funny okay yeah they're taking him to England for a job offer uh free babysitting mayor zor zohan mamdami's administration recently launched a free

parents night out pilot program providing four hours of free babysitting and dinner for up to 500 children. The drop-off event takes place on Sunday, August 16th, 2026, from 4 to 8

across designated New York City Recreation Centers. Just leave your kid with a fucking state-appointed stranger. Just leave your kids with the communist. For four hours, dude? What the fuck? You can rape... They could rape a lot of kids in four hours. At least 500.

At least 500. Wow. Man, I can't think of anybody I'd want to leave a kid with less than not only the government, but a communist, a communist government operative who just spun this program up overnight. Right. Whose only requirement was who can watch kids fastest? Who wants to be here to watch these kids now? Hey, hey, hey, it's not all creepy, dude. You get a free dinner out of it.

I'm gonna feed him a fresh hot plate of a pedophile seaman. Oh, jeez. What else could happen? Get the fuck out of your parents night out. Jesus Christ. Zero vetting process to like, hey. There's just, there's no vetting process on earth that could screen out. out and these fuck these motherfuckers are definitely not running it that's insane we're gonna have

this program has never had a never had a kid get raped oh when did you guys start it this is the first night oh okay sounds great it's like um leave your kid with gondi too it's fine dude just leave him out on the street that would be safer just just lock them in man they're better they're the only way to trust this program is if there's like five thousand cameras where they're being per person every kid has

six cameras on them the pedophile in charge and they're called they're referred to as a pedophile has a camera has like a mocap suit

like they're forming like they're doing golem from Lord of the Rings he's a little Jewish guy man oh man and you know he's not I mean you know that they're

not whoever they hired there yeah get touched by someone from Trinidad or Tobago. Oh my God. Dude, one of my fucking, so one of my son's books, I gotta bring it down here. It's called like a surprise party for Elmo.

And he's got this cookie monster one that Randy gave him that he loves. He reads every day. He's like goes right for that book. He's like this one. Fucking Randy. It's like Cookie Monster can't, doesn't have no cookies. And he's running all over looking for cookies.

It's fiending. He's fiending. He's hitting a fiending point. Absolute necessity with these cookies. Cookie Monster got the shakes, my boy. You could see his butt and legs. That's how much Cookie Monster wants these cookies. He's running all over with his butt and legs exposed.

This giant asshole falling out. He's real fat, too, Cookie Monster. Yeah, fuck. Diet of cookies. Like under that desk, he's like, wah. So he's going all around Sesame Street Bothering everyone for cookies And he's like

Is Big Bird having you any cookies? And he goes, how about Abby? And it's like, ugh, Abby Some fucking New Muppet Whatever, it's only Then you got all the faves there No reason to ask Abby Should ask Ernie or Bird

Whatever But then he's got this other one It's like Elmo surprise You know I hate Elmo So I wasn't expecting a lot When I started reading this book to him I'm like Elmo is throwing a party for his dog tango

I'm like okay I don't know why Elmo Typical Elmo fucking Self-centered Elmo There's so many characters to have a party for And he chooses his fucking dog That's not a Muppet Shouldn't even exist in the world

In world Whatever So he goes to get help from his friends Zoe and Abby I'm like all right It's the new It's the new fucked Muppets Stupid

Six string ass muffets Yeah, it's the benchwarming Muppets. Okay. It's these fucking piece of shit Muppets. Obviously, if you're throwing a party, you go to the count. Stupid fucking lame-ass, retarded. These fucked Muppets with real names. Right?

With the millennial name Muppets. I fucking hate. Zoe, uh, dumb. What there's like Rosita? Fucking Cookie Monster. That's a Muppet name. Big Bird. That's a Muppet name.

There should be a green one called Cookie Mon. and then he goes and he's who is he inviting to his party jing shui i'm like what the fuck and it's fucking jing hugh or something i got to go get my i got to go get this book jing hong jing yong that's what it is jing yong like unpronounceable and she's wearing a she's wearing a kebab like she's or uh a hijab oh it's like a muslin muppet with fucking normal eyes with fucked up looking eyes Like, man, this is fucked. I ripped that page out.

I went to rip the page out, but it's one of those indestructible books. I can't even rip the page out. I'm trying to rip it out. Well, because I will say, I do think for as goofy as veggie tales is, right? Yeah. They did say, well. They got Muslim fruits? Well, no, because they're like, well, look, they can talk about God, but they can't accept God.

They are just vegetables after all. They're not Christians themselves. They can't accept. except Jesus in their hearts because they don't have hearts because they're vegetables. Okay. This is just like,

well, yeah, there's a Muslim puppet. This is a Muslim Muppet. Yeah. Jing-hung. That's not how that works. What is he from like the fucking Asian side of? He's from Malaysia? Yeah.

What kind of fucking Muslim is this? I'm saying, scratching my, you know, Jesse Plemonsing it. He's a fucking Tibetan. And I know they made it a woman, you know, to soften the whole Muslimness of it. Put this book away.

We're never reading 10. We're not reading 10. We're not reading 10. tango's fucking surprise party again. This is horse shit. That's it. Sesame Street more like fucking Baltic Avenue. Piece of shit.

Fucking neighborhood. Jing Hume. What the hell? What the fuck is that? Chinese? No, she's brown as hell. What is this crap? The hell? Get it out of here. That's not how that works.

Tons of Muppets. And they made these indestructible books. like there's only like five of them they wasted a whole one on Elmo is dipshit millennial friends and Muslim friends Elmo fucking sucks

dude when they brought fucking sucks dude when they brought Tipi Monster never had no Muslim friend he's bringing in to the neighborhood Cookie Monster is your classic fiend man if you got cookie

you're all a friend you know a friend with cookie is a friend indeed man you know that's your boy but if you don't have... But he monitors how people really are.

Right. It's a good lesson. Him and Fred Durst same. He said, I did it for the cookie. Yeah. Not Mary Sue ass, perfect. Oh, I want all these friends. He says, I don't want friends.

I want cookies. I want a fucking cookie. Or maybe like a thousand cookies. He goes, I need a gang of cookies, actually. They're goofing him up. Can we get a cookie puppet to move in so I could eat that motherfucker? How about stab man?

That's a Muppet. That would be like Cessry Street in the UK, yeah. He goes around stabbing other Muppets for no reason. He's got an imaginary friend too. Like snuffaloopagus? No, like rape olufagus. Fuck. Like child molesting maleficus.

Fuck. He has to say glasses with the bar on top? His name's Allah. His name's Muhammad. He raped Abby. man get this trash out of here yeah what the fuck

it's an indestructible book though you can't burn it you can't buy it can't do anything that's like printing on money paper that's the kind of shit that's like that's satanic yeah

it can't burn it throw it in a fire it won't burn tear it up and won't burn there's that's I give it to my dad he'll figure out how to your dad will fuck it up just tell your dad be like

hey could you fix this for me he'll break that a book of ancient rights. He could read through and perform. Your dad could speak like dead languages and perform. He understands Cobol and Fortress. He's in the Mexican MMMO.

That's what I didn't know until recently. He's actually a real, he's a person, he's a player. He's an admin. He's a real person on the outside. Yeah. He's got the admin password and still fucks it all up. Baby... Yeah, it's crazy, right?

So, like, how much work does it take a normal person to convince people to leave their kids with them? A lot. Yeah. As much as it is needed. So they're fucked. Yeah, that's... Babysitters are fucked.

Yeah. All right. Fucking up the whole game. Teenagers trapped by a Waymo, a driverless Waymo Robotaxie in San Mateo, California remotely stopped and alerted police. police after its onboard cameras detected two 15-year-olds allegedly drinking alcohol and firing an Orby's gel-beed gun from the vehicle. Man, those are bad kids.

Let's get a Waymo so he can get shit-faced and shoot a goo gun at people. Fuck. Unless they were bicyclers, in which case, that's funny. Yeah. Officers detained the teens after arriving at the scene, sparking an online debate over how autonomous vehicles monitor passengers and handle emergencies. Wow, I guess that would be pretty cool if you're a teenager. Just get away from your folks for a while, pounce and bruise.

Too few drive-bys. Two few pretend drive-bys. That's kind of tight. I guess we would have done the same thing as kids. Man, I don't know if it's more or less destructive, but it was definitely destructive. Yeah. The Robotaxy can detect if you're drinking alcohol? I mean, I guess I should stop tilting my whole backpack up to my face when I had drinking it.

To hide it? I just drinking my backpack. One New Year's. It was the New Year's after the law of like bag charging went into effect. Oh, right. It was a long time ago. I think it might have been with Maddox. It was the New Year's.

So on January 1, the new law that made free bags illegal. right into effect and you needed to charge for bags so I went into a Ralph's and got a bottle of booze and I'm like hey can you give me one of those little

you know little bags for the bottle right gotta get the brown bag I said no we can't give you we can't give you one of those anymore because of the law I was like well

fucking charge me 10 cents for whatever the bag is just give it to me she goes no it's just store policy now I said okay give me a big one then just like what do you what do you mean give me a fucking big Whatever bags that you have people aren't walking out of here with armfuls of groceries are there just give me a fucking bag

So I had to buy a regular Ralph's bag for 10 cents I sat at a cafe around the corner drinking a Drinking out of a full-size Ralph's bag Rapped around a tiny boot flask bottle like Like right you know squinched or whatever twisted around Man see I've had to do the Ralph's bag before because you know those Carlo Rossi wines? Yeah.

The big fucking, you get a gallon of sangria for what used to be like $8.99. Yeah. Me and my friends would each get our own and we would show up to sessions with fucking just like a fucking, you know,

like, oh, you got your, like we were going bowling with fucking bowling ball bags and it's like, oh, what did you bring today? Like, I got some grea today. What did you got? Like, oh, I got Muscat. Like, God damn, all right.

But yeah. That's like the most like Supreme level bum shit in the whole world. Yeah. Okay. I ran with nukes. This one's pretty funny. Is it World Cup today?

Is it the finals? Is it still going? I think it's at the finals today. Man. Oh, my dad yesterday was like, oh, the World Cup's at two. How do I watch it? I don't, I'm not helping you with that. Somebody came out and said, hey, dad's trying to figure out how to put World Cup on.

TV and I said, go up there and tell him that that you don't think he could do it. Oh, I've got to find out if he actually did. Fluster him into not being able to get him on tilt. Get him to start pulling out wires and stuff. He dismantles your TV in front of everyone for, because like I'm sure there's a way you can watch it on your phone and then cast it, but I'm not, I'm not going to help.

I'm not going to help out. We're not showing him that technology. I was like, go fuck with him. See if you can get him to. Show him how to. to cast something and then as soon as he cast it cast over the top. Let me find

this stupid thing. They asked the Iranian guy if if people are going to if people can go in and inspect their nukes. That is it. Come on, come on. Don't fight it, Don't think I copied the link.

Fuck. Will you something for inspections? Yeah, yeah, here we go, here we go. Come on, give me a video. I want to hear the guy say it. I don't want to hear my voice saying it. I want to hear the guy saying it. Is Iran something?

It was too funny. It was too funny. I'll scroll for it. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Is this it? Oh, the Odyssey. The Odyssey is about a guy wanting to go home. Who the fuck wants to go home now?

Like where's home? That we're going back to. What the hardest, dude. This just doesn't resonate. You know? Where's home anymore? Yeah. Oh, this like diverse shithole that you got to, I'm not want to go back to this home.

I live in this home. Man. I want to go back to back home. 20 years back. He comes all the way home and he's just like, you fucking Farganauts, God damn it. That's, that's, Iliad was coming home. And he kills him. He kills all the Farganats.

He had enough with them, dude. It's a story about a man that wants to go back home to his family. And that just... I know that you're not allowed to make that story. Yeah. I watched that movie. He's called Citizen Vigilante. Okay, here you go.

This is the... I don't know who's this guy. Abbas Agarchi? Whatever, he's in charge of Iran. This is his response to, are you building nukes? Amazing. Look at this. Look at this shit.

Amazing. Love it. Did Israel knock this down? What the fuck, dude? Yeah, what the fuck? What the fuck indeed? What's going on? We're getting nothing now.

We were hearing audio a second ago. Oh, this post fabricates a quote anyway. Oh, all right. But you did see that big, that big baby Huey-looking motherfucker while I was scrolling. Yeah, I fucking did. Okay, here's something that the Toronto police said. And then I'll go back to the other one.

Contacted by the Crown at the Ontario Court of Justice to assist with the case that they had. So they asked me to reach out to the victim and make sure she's safe and take her home. He drove me home in the fabulous Pride SUV. This motherfucker's name is Nevada in Canada. It's a beautiful woman, beautiful black woman. that had an issue that the Toronto police were able to save with their special

queer division and as he was driving in the car we reached a stoplight so they got a car that's like decked out with gay shit it's got a rainbow it's got a trans flag it's got 2SLGBTQ

plus it's got Calvin ass fucking Elmer Fudd on the back on a sticker on the mud flaps yeah It's got two huge cocks for mud flaps. For Yos 70 Sam's the guns, two dicks.

Jacking off two dicks. It's got a huge dildo coming out of the top. It's really cool. It's really gay. And then an individual in a pickup truck came up to us. Wait a minute. So the big fat trans black woman was being picked up on one hate crime and experienced a hate crime on the one. way to the station to report another hate crime.

Okay. Pride SUV. And as he was driving me home, we reached a stoplight. And then an individual in a pickup truck came up to us. A transgender cop car. Look at that. You guys cops or you just identify as cops? That's none of your business.

And I'm hands free. So there's nothing you can do. ask me a question, Sergeant, you cops or you identify as cops? I have no idea. That's reality doesn't exist anymore, right? Part of me was shocked, but part of me was not shocked. I am a trans woman. I've been transitioning for eight years. I get harassed and vilified every day of my life. If trans people got even a fraction of the shit women get for their looks, they would all kill themselves. Yeah.

They don't get even an I-O, even a tiny, tiny sliver of what normal women receive in the looks bullying department. It's brutal, man. If they did, it would be, they would simply die and float away.

Knocked out of their body. Okay, wait, and here's another one. The rise is the first... This one. This is somebody running for mayor. you said something okay this one Ashley Webb

a Democrat what is Ashley Webb Ashley Webb is running for the Senate okay Ashley Webb what qualifications do you have to serve in the U.S. Senate

oh I ran for office several times didn't win but he didn't run and then I'm a songwriter and then I write my own books and then expose my transparency, I wouldn't lie to

people and I wouldn't deceiving a dress. I wouldn't lie to the people wearing a dress. Wearing a dress says your name is Ashley Webb wearing a dress with a huge penis. I wouldn't lie to the people.

Charlotte's Webb fucking hog motherfucker. God damn. What's your most defining character? Well, I don't lie. Says someone telling you a fucking lie right to your fucking face? Holy shit. That's the one thing people say most about you.

They would call me an honest woman. Well, they'd call me an honest woman. Well, brother, I'm glad you asked. See, the best thing about me is my honesty. God damn. How do you take yourself seriously? How do they let such an insane person on television? Like, is it a test for the other three candidates?

Right. Yeah, is it like a... Because that's the whole debate. No matter what anybody says, you're standing next to a six foot seven linebacker wearing a dress. You could get beat down by a fucking man in a suitcase right there. Yeah, that's crazy.

You're going to get your ass kicked by a woman today in this debate. fine she had some other good quotes oh yeah yeah demons blah blah blah yeah that's the women's right there here we go Ashley Webb this is why she's running and then with the trans community like we're being dehumanized

they say that we want to hurt people I don't want to hurt anybody I just want to use the bathroom and if they want me to use the men's room I will I don't want to be assaulted and then with the trans community like we're being dehumanized they say that we want to hurt people I don't want to hurt anybody

I just want to use the bathroom and if they want me to use the men's room I will I don't want to be assaulted I don't want to be assaulted that was the most fucking retarded leaps in conclusions you guys just you had to use the bathroom huh

he really he really had to look I'm not here to be a huge freak I just want to use the bathroom. I just want to be with women when they're going peepee. And I go peepee. Yeah, I just want to ask women. I just want to ask for tampons. What if they also bleed frozen marinera out of their assholes?

What's weird about that? What's weird about that? I'll use the men's room if you insist. Yeah. I just don't want to get assaulted. Yeah, I don't want to have... I might spray out of my asshole. I don't want to have to throw hands.

I don't have to throw hands with these punks. That's so fucking crazy. What city is this? Somewhere in Maine? Somewhere in Maine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn. Odysseus.

Telemachus. Penelope. Yeah, fuck all that. Okay. This is what's wrong with our lives? What did I say here? Oh, yeah. Girl lost a ton of weight.

This one's crazy. Look at the difference, right? Ugly, fugly, fat. And then, boom, losing, I don't know what, 150 pounds. It's like, look at what they took from you. Look at what they've done to you. This is your life here. Big fat woman fed on.

you know, a trough of fast food. They got robots. They got robots that'll come to her house and her sleep and open her mouth and dump fucking donuts into her mouth. Roboslop? Roboslop. They got a fucking hose now that comes out of women's ceilings while they're sleeping.

Force feeds them a slurry of trans fats, potato chips, charges they phone. And then this is what they're supposed to look like. This is what the women are. This is her after she, She lost 150 pounds or something. Just crazy. Crazy.

All right. Well, do you notice, too? Not only fucking, all that activity made her clean up her room, too. I noticed that, too. Yeah. That's... The fat one had shit everywhere. And now the fit one has, like, storage areas.

It's not clean, but it's better than nothing. It's better than nothing. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay, necrosey Mani, you're supposed to be one of the good ones, he says

Not sure what that's supposed to mean, but Sounds funny Mani was Stealing a sandwich That chased down by a fatter guy Tased down by a fatter guy He was a real cop Not a security guard

He's got a kid He ran into a chop support What else was he doing in that call? into the cop car. You're into the cop car. Oh, and he was going, he was telling some kind of jokes at a nursing home.

Oh, that's right. He was telling poop jokes at the P factory. Phil from KS says, Dick, that hose had an aluminum fitting and the hose spigot in your house with steel. You joined two different metals and they fuse together. I joined two, I, I,

who looks at what metals are in the spigot of their house when they're screwing a garden hose in? Okay. You joined two different metals together and they fuse together. Yeah, well, are people shopping for metal on their hose? Is that how you're supposed to do it? I got ice cold steel hose.

Brass only, I guess. Okay. You can thank the shitheads who cut corners by using aluminum fittings. Oh, don't worry. I'm already... I'm ahead of you on the thanking. Kat's name is Shadow. Talk about your new magic podcast to compete with Vee.

and Maddo and Maddox. But instead of the card game, it's slight of hand. Like an illusionist podcast. Two magicians playing magic the gathering and they're just doing stupid gay tricks the whole time. Actually, I pulled a land right out of your ass. That's funny. I'm going to planes walk right into your dickhole with this one.

Like, fucking like, what kind of... Is this a vehicle to talk about Marvel shit anyway? Oh, God, you're right. You're right. Having a magic to get. gathering podcast is just an excuse to talk about the gayest of all, which is Marvel comics. Mm-hmm. And superheroes.

I want super nothing masters. I want super people who could do their job good again. Yeah. It's so gay, you can't even make fun of it. It's not. There's just nothing there. It's like nothingness. File it under Greece in my mind.

Gay. You can't even. Fucking gay. Done. Yeah. Done. You can't even get near it. It's like touching poop, dude.

You can't be doing that. I remember when the first Iron Man came out and Howard Stern was like, yeah, now I'm seeing all, now we're seeing all this stuff from when we were kids on the big screen. I was like, ugh. Howard Stern excited about it? Yeah.

Burnt. This is going to get real gay. Done. I could hear it in his voice. This is going to get real gay and lame. I remember when the first Iron Man came out, I'm like, shit. all right like that's cool

and then it was like leave it at that and then it was like hey this got such a good reception let's just make this forever oh well I think that's a shame Jack Rockstar says go over some of the girl dinner diaries posts

it's a subreddit where girls post their dinners and discuss their problems with men primarily okay girl dinner diaries it's just like bitches who eat like mustard and vegetables or like nothing and they're like, this is my dinner tonight. Girl dinner diaries.

Okay. What is this? For the feral plates and feral thoughts? Post your unhinged meals, relationship spirals, late night thoughts, soft moments, braggy moments, your messy moments. Oh, God. Ew. So it's just like girls posting about their food.

Just a girl. brain. Man, they are really obsessed with food. Women. Yeah, dude. Embracing my cougar era. Oh, God. And she's got a big plate of waffles.

Ugh. Like eggs Benedict here and a giant waffle. Okay. Nobody likes me no matter how hard I try. Oh, no. Yeah, you're eating out of the whole pot. You're supposed to nobody likes me no matter how hard I try. Throughout high school, I've always been chatty.

I participate in class discussions, talk to my seatmates, try to act friendly to everyone, even people I don't know. Nobody talks to me in their own volition. Exhausting already. Yeah, now I'm a rising senior. I still don't have anyone. Like a senior citizen? I thought I made a group of friends.

friends but I'll always have to be the person to initiate conversation and nobody ever responds. I have nothing to do this summer. Since I have nobody to go out with, I've gone out of my house like once per week. Jesus Christ. What a sad sack. Yeah, you fucking suck.

That's why no one wants to hang out with you. So, yeah, I don't know if I'm annoying. Yeah, you're annoying. And that's why nobody talks to me. She gets one friend and then just tells them how no one likes them the whole time. And they're like, damn, like, now I don't like you too. I don't want to read about a cougar. Baristas, we're talking about my boyfriend.

It's just women posting these gigantic meals. Yeah, wait. Look at this. The whole concept of, like, the girl dinner thing was supposed to be that it was just like some retarded shit that, like, didn't make sense. But, like... I found my husband's alt-alt Reddit accounts with an ice cream. She didn't cheer herself out with some ice cream.

I was using my husband's phone to look for family photos. Two alternate accounts for porn, but extremely rough and violent and terrifying porn. He's also very interested in teen girls porn. The other account, oh, geez. The other account he impersonates a woman. That's like... Wow. well yeah this bitch is eating this much ice cream i mean i think we found the problem

red it what is it girls dinner girls dinner diaries uh okay yeah these are just bitches being fat this is a lot of food wow that's a big stack of the world is turning dystopian i must eat a fucking

Bimbendem stack of pancakes? Okay. That's enough. That's enough women. Thank you. Merologic, because I think everyone mostly wants you to talk about Vito. I just want to see Johnny's brain rot corner. Wow.

Great news. Also, thanks Merologic for the shout-out. Thanks, Merleogic. Yeah. We got some brain rot today. Tim says, talk about Vito and how an extra 10% would motivate him for a podcast, but $100,000 didn't motivate him for a comic book. Ouch.

That one gave me a little heartburn thinking about that. Okay. Let's see voicemails and gets it Johnny's brain, right? That's the show, everybody. Go to patreon.com. Thank you, next week. Yeah. Put the top.

Oh, wait. Oh, it should be... 517? We watch this one, too. There's a huge rage for you. The toilet paper, the 40 rolls of the fancy toilet paper, that it's supposed to be like wiping your ass with a cloud. And then you get it and it fucking flakes in every direction.

Simple. Hate it. You know what really works? The ultimate toilet paper is that Mayan, calendar wheel that you steal from work. You take it, slip it out on the jacket. You got home in the last five weeks.

Yeah, but where are you going to put it? And it's just perfect solid one ply. That's it. It's all you need. That's better. You need like a two foot toilet paper. Yeah. Stand away from wherever you see. You want to roll out your toilet paper

every time you have to take a shit. You got to fucking tear off part of a sleeping bag. All right. Hey, Dick. I heard that the show was over. I think it's a problem. Kind of bummed about that. I thought I'd call and make a last appeal. I got three counteroffers

for you. Let me what you think of them. Number one is the show continues. You stay on it, but Vito has to do it at the drop of a hat whenever you want. So if you're up with the kid, you know, you're hungover having diarrhea. You've got to come. Problems, let's go, 15-minute show. Or you make it, option two, you make it a morning

show, so Vito has to wake up before noon. And then you can, you know, live out in your shock, jack, dreams. And then we've got option three. We don't have to keep making weight every week. If he hasn't lost weight, the show ends immediately. And eventually he'll just like more stuff, more complicated, like games and silly shit.

The catamari grows, man. Yeah. Do it in the morning. That's, I mean, infinite time. It's like bagel bites fucking podcast in the morning, podcast in the evening, fucking podcast. Podcasts all day. And then stitch it together at the end of the week. week.

All right. The show what makes me a raid. You know when you put YouTube on in the background? Number one, why can't I just have, like, put it all from one channel. I don't want to have to go to a playlist, just play random videos. Yeah, why doesn't it do that?

Videos from this new channel I found. Does it happen to you? Sometimes, like, it'll, like, I'll put on a video from one channel, and then the next video one of them in the middle I'm doing something they'll play another video

from the channel but I've seen before like this channel has 180 videos and you're going to pick the next video is the last one I watched two days ago

what the fuck oh man damn YouTube God damn YouTube God damn YouTube God damn fucking YouTube Hey Dick Rob in Greenville

South Carolina I was listening the biggest problem and you know i'm a landscaper i own my own small business and when customers kind of get on my case i take it kind of personally and i i think that's what vito's doing i think he's taking everything so super duper personally because he doesn't know how to differentiate the show or his comic from him so when you uh disrespect the comic or you make jokes about Vito's performance.

He takes that super personally and he's just got to stop doing that. He's not going to be remembered as George Carlin. He's a guy on the internet. He's not going to be remembered like for a cop- Wait a minute. That's extremely, extremely

personal. What you just say? What he's got to stop taking this personally? He's not going to be George Carlin. Fuck. He's so desperate to be an artist that he's forgetting that he's just a guy doing a job having fun so um for all the dickheads out there for all the biggest problem

listeners out there wait what is the advice you got to separate yourself from your work don't why maybe are you do you do that do you as a landscaper separate yourself from your work i don't he just said he doesn't because when people get mad he takes it personally you're supposed to take it personally what do you mean you got to separate your you are your work there's not this isn't a this isn't a woman's Tinder profile where we want you to like me for me. I want you to like me for the work that I do. That's

me. It came from me. I put my time into it. It's transactional. I put my life into it. So I judge me by the output that I have. Not like ideas that I, you know, you're not my family. You're consuming

content that I make. It's totally appropriate to judge me by that. And I will take it personally. Because I thought it was good. I tried my hardest to make it. It's a direct reflection of me and my value as a person. What do you mean? Don't take it personally.

Yeah, but Dick, you're not going to remember it as like a George Carlin. Unbelievable. When I criticize video, I mean it personally. I'm meaning it explicitly personally. you failed at this because of you. Oh yeah. You are the decisions you made and they were bad. Exactly.

And you blew it. When people send me a mix to check and, you know, what do you think of this? I don't give them any objective feedback. I only give them subjective feedback. Yeah. Which becomes objective in that they are bad. This mix is bad and they suck at what they are doing. It is their fault.

It's your fault. Not my. Yeah. You did this. Because of who you are. You figure out what is wrong with this, because then you will learn from it. I think what the caller is maybe trying to say, or maybe not, I don't know. But I think what I agree with is a version of that, which is, you know, take it personally, but.

But don't start just, don't start creating content that's just hater based then. Like, you can take, you can take things personally. and not react to it constantly. You can, because then it's just like, your reactions are the content that you're making. And that's not really, that's who you are then. Like, if you're judged by what you're making, then that's who you become.

Hater-based media, dude. Hater-based media. That's like audience capture, I think they call it. Is when you get your feelings hurt or whatever, like you're saying, and then that becomes the only thing that you make. Now your feelings hurt guy, yeah. Now your feelings hurt content.

Now you're, now you're, I do what I want. Content, man, you know? Now I'm Mr. Content. Now I'm Mr. Audience content. Now I'm a writer, yeah. Yeah. It happens to people, though. They just become.

They lose it, man. They really lose it. Okay. Important caveat to the birth control working on fat women. Birth control works regardless generally. Plan B is not designed to work on women that weigh more than 165 pounds. Oh, I see. And with the average woman in America weighing 170 to 180 pounds,

boy, boy, guys, don't trust a bitch. Don't trust even a thick bitch who, because she's just going to take plan B. Make sure if she doubles and triples up on that shit. Oh, so does that work? Go fuck yourself. Is that? You got to look at the LD50 of it all, man.

Just don't fuck around fat chicks. Hey, Dick, hey Johnny, podcast, prophet. Your holy spirit is speaking through me. I got a question. The crank one out to a age when he was a she. Okay. Yes. Yeah.

It's gay. Gay. You're gay now. Yeah. Yeah. Duff to grease with you. The way people don't feel shame for holding you hostage behind them in line when you have like one or two items like simple order compared to maybe that it's even worse if their order is simple, right? It's even worse if it's just like them getting an ice cream and you're, they're fucking freaking out over like what's up with the sprinkles.

Like, dude, you don't have to do this. Please. There's people behind you. Nobody feels shame. yeah i agree with that yeah i went to the fucking store the other day and was like you know what like

i'm getting on my shit done early fucking sail at the ice cream shop stop on by fucking whole family with like six kids and each one of each scoop of ice cream i only stayed in line for like two minutes because i was like i'm getting the fuck out of here but it was just like

i imagine that whole or based on the little bit I saw of that I bet the whole order took like 45 minutes it's like you can't wrangle kids to fucking like pick for them and give it to them like they're fucking kids that like it's ice cream they're gonna like it all right here we go john is brayne oh this is merlogic's favorite favorite thing just for you mur logic is this uh three hours ago oh yeah no that was i just forwarded it again so this joke is about 50 years late on some Chungis

Maxing A guy with blonde weird looking guy I guess I'll just leave it at that making every weird choice possible Oh my god Red Bull gives you wings

And he's looking at wings Come on man Yeah the whole account is fucking M-Cech M-Cech Arkansas Yeah that kind of said it all for me But

when I saw the Sonic there I was like, yeah. What's it called? Suzy. Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already. Name 20. He's doing lip syncing to a family guy clip.

Yeah. Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Allison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie Mae, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billy Jean, Leila, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny from the block. Name six more. Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moochre. Name five more. Tracy, Jean.

Jane, Mary Ann. Okay. Yeah. I hated that one, but I hated this whole account for sure. Happy birthday to who, him? I guess. He says dancing a little soniker. That's fucking so.

I was like, man. Like, is it really like 2006 on the internet again? Pretending to play the piano. Fucking. God, this guy sucks. He fucking sucks, dude. I just, I saw it. I was like, man.

It's just, no matter what I do, no one in school likes to. Oh, yeah. Being friends with me. But you know who no one likes. Hey, Mambo! First of all, how dare you? Yeah, wow, okay.

Good for you. He's a buddy. Very strong on that one. So next up to bat, this one is, I called it like taking candy from a baby. Okay. when you give your little cousin a controller that don't

so he can play pretending to give this retarded kid liquor? Yes pretending to pour liquor into the retarded kids Gatorade Mm-hmm Do they? Come on, Coddard That's too much

Oh They're going to pull up a Gatorade Hey Oh, come on See it and taste Something's down there Yeah, I thought of it. Yeah

He's through Oh, man He's through now He's fine, he's all right Okay Okay, so he's having fun I called this a what the fuck So this kind of ties in what we're talking about garden houses too

Yeah, white boy summer he's got a hose It's since gotten more likes and Oh, beds. Three. One, two, three. Spraying a girl with a hose. He's cranking the hose thing. Yeah.

Spraying a girl with it. Okay. What was that? Full. Stop. Two. One. Two.

I missed it. Okay. That was center. Oh, my God. Jesus. Dude, it was painful to sit through this. The whole count is like fucking Midwest level of just like nothingness. Things were so much better when we couldn't record everything.

That's what I'm saying, dude. Like not everyone needs a voice on the internet and not everyone needs to have a place to be able to post shit. Oh, no. Yeah, dude, it's bad. Burrito Man. Oh, we know the Burrito Man. Man When you hear his voice

Your face goes pale When he walks the streets People run and hide Burrito It's not terrible Looking for It could be better But the days

He'll find his way. Now, Dick, this last clip, I brought in just for all of us here because I know we missed last week, so I was like, let's bring in a real fun one. Okay. So you ever just have questions you wish you knew the answers to

or at least think you want to know the answers to? Well, I call this one a question finally answered. Oh, God. So definitely turn the audio on for this one, too. It's a little informative, but what... A dangerous thing you... you can do if you need to vomit underwater. Most people take an inhalation almost immediately after puking.

Here's why. During vomiting, breathing is briefly suspended to help protect the airway. Pretending to, or actually vomiting. She's actually vomiting. How did she do that? Dude, I always wondered. I'm like, what happens if you have to barf when he goes scuba diving? And this shows the safety.

The vocal cords close and the muscles coordinate so that vomit is less likely to enter the lungs. Once the vomit has been expelled, The airway reopens. The first respiratory reaction is usually a quick inhalation, allowing normal breathing to resume after the brief pause. To prevent water entering your lives, it is very important to keep the regulator in your mouth the whole time, even during expulsion. You might feel like you ought to remove it while throwing up, but this is the most dangerous thing you can do if you need to vomit underwater. Most people take an inhalation immediately after cukewking. Here's why. During vomiting, breathing is briefly suspended to help protect the air.

The vocal cords close and the muscles coordinate so that vomit is less likely to enter the lungs. What? Yeah, she just says like diving shit. Now it's all diving shit, but there's one video about vomiting. Yeah, that was the one I hit my head. Underwater. Yeah, total normal, like diving shit. On sharks, Jesus.

But the fucking, the vomit cloud just, man, that really got me. totally normal normal okay great I guess that's your SEO you gotta do informative content

all right how about this one this will really knock them dead see like boring don't give a shit why would she narrate a video

about puking underwater I do you did your guess was as good as mine but seeing just the visual component I hit save so fast on that one.

How can we drum up some business for the scuba touring? Let's make some informative how-to content. I mean, no problem. We've already seen fucking sea snakes on this show. We might as well get to sea vomit too. Okay. This is just upsetting. All the rest of it is my normal school is scuba.

I guess. Okay. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye, everyone. See you, everybody.