The Dick Show - Episode 525 - Dick on Crappy Horses

Episode Date: September 27, 2026

Retaking a bad picture, a bunch of cowboy stuff, murrlogic calls in about his living situation, and fat women at puppet shows; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

And I think I have to click this play. Aha. I've learned how to jigger, rumble, like an old mess cartridge. Got to blow on it. They should let you blow on websites to get them working. And then there's always the asshole out there who's like, well, actually, that damages the cartridge. You go to use Q-tips and alcohol swabs and it's like... That guy was the first guy that kind of ushered in this modern post-Marxist, don't believe.

your senses era. The guy who originally said actually blowing on the nest game will fuck it up. It doesn't fix it because it did fix it. It obviously making electronics a little bit wet works. You can't throw it in a pool.

Well you can throw it in a pool. It's not going to work then. But you have to completely dry it out. Yeah well okay I think you might yeah okay you're right you're right you're right. See that guy that fucker has got us arguing amongst ourselves over what

overthrowing video games in pools. It's worse than hot dog truthing. Mm-hmm. The Ness blow blow-truthers. That guy was the original piece of shit. He really... I wish I could go back time and bust into the back of my school bus like

Farva. Find that kid kicked the shit out of him. Run him over with that school bus. Blow on this. Wham! Blow on this fist, Craig. Man. Connor. I think it was Connor.

Motherfucker. I remember his last name too now. Damn. And that's the mark of a true asshole. See, that's AGI. What I just did. LLM can't do that. Can't conjure up a name from the past

with 20 watts or whatever the fuck your brain takes. It's just retarded listening to these guys talk about artificial intelligence and they're gay, flip upside down boobs calculator. You could check it out. It's intelligent. No, it's. fucking nod.

I can't remember a story from 40 years ago. Dude, I'm so either old or out of touch that every time I see all this AGI shit, I'm like, yeah, I got a box of that AG1 at home. It's great. Oh. Put a couple scoops in. My. Oh.

Does your dad have something? No. My wife's mom called it Google A1. And I was like, like, like the sauce? And then we told that story to my parents. parents and they didn't laugh. And I was like, oh, one of you thought it was Google. But maybe one or both of you thought it was Google A1 also.

The second you walked out of that door and they heard the latch close, they went. It's not A1? It's like the sauce? I thought you put it on the steak. It's delicious. It's delicious. You can't tell, like, you can't tell, you can't tell boomers stories about other boomers fucking up. You know, it's like telling ugly people, like stories about, I don't know how to,

I don't know how to put this in perspective. Well, I was listening to my wife tell the story of one of her friends about the nanny. And I'm like, you can't tell women with kids who don't have a nanny stories. You can't do that. That's not going to go over. Oh, man. My Josh, so go ahead. What were you going to say?

Oh, no, I was going to say similarly, in an attempt to try and be an equal, one day, sitting in the lobby at work, I was like, you know, It's like two in the morning right now. I bet you I could eat 100 chicken nuggets. All right. And everyone. And I was asking people. God, I've done that one time at the drive-thru. I got through 88, and that was kind of brutal.

88? Oh, dude, it was a lot of work. They just starts tasting like grease. It starts turning like into a continuum of grease paste. Yeah, and when you open a box and there's still more, you're like, fuck. Fuck, dude. But I was asking everyone who would come down the hallway. Like, hey, how many?

And everyone's like, oh, I could eat eight. I could eat 10. Eight. Yeah, and I said, eight, that's not even a size. That's not even a denomination. Yeah. What are you talking about eight? What?

They used to come in 20. It's either four, six, ten. Like, we're not counting by bits here. I could eat 200 McNuggets. See, and that's what I thought, too. Probably. And then just... Like cool hand, Luke.

This fattest woman in the world walks around the corner and I go, hey, how many chicken nuggets could you eat? And I got the dirtiest look from everybody. The nugget buddies were like, what the fuck? The McNugget buddies I'd be like 12 And I was like come on Am I the only honest person in this building right now?

A fat woman said she could eat 12 nuggets Only 12 Get at it Did you whip her? I almost whipped the rest of my nuggets at her head Yeah Oh yeah here's 12 Wobopopop

And she's like Spider-Man Pobopopop Catching the tray Fucking Gatling gun A fucking Man But yeah The tennis McNugget like John McInero

It's like Oh that unbelievable Unbelievable, right? They should have made John Big Maconroe when he comes out. Bro. John Big Maconroe. I wanted to have my own,

I'm going to use AI to have my own ads for things. I'm going to just play them myself. Because I want an ad break. I can't watch a whole show. I need like a break between the acts to like think about it and digest it. Yeah. Other watching,

binge watching shows is like getting a hand job that just goes like this. Br-br-R-come. Right? It's like, I don't, yeah, you're doing. doing it, but I don't want a hand job like that. You got a 10 minute break.

That's probably the smartest thing I've said in my whole life. Is this streaming? Yeah, it's streaming. We're streaming. I don't want it like that. I want a break in the middle. Think about like corn nuts or something. And how extreme they were.

Yeah, Code Red. I want to break in the middle. I want to relax, what's it called? Relaxing the bit. I don't know. Some stupid. sketch writing shit that I forgot. But that's a good point, though, because

you used to, like, see ads. You used to get a handjob, you know, at your leisure. Now... Hand job's literally all day long. Now they're just on TikTok while they're jerking you off. Fucking shopping. There's more ads than shit on TikTok. It's like, ah, did you just put your thumb down the hole of my dick?

Oh, sorry, I meant to click the buy button with the other hand. That's what happened. That's what we're getting now. Johnny. That is what we're doing. Oh, what was that? Wrong hand. You should be buying Lulu's deals with the other hand. I hear Google A1. I'm going to call it that. Did you at least round the nail off first? Man, I got fucked. I got raped by some kids this week in my own neighborhood.

Really? Yeah, you believe that? Walking down the street, mining my own business. Raped. Come out of nowhere. Came out of nowhere. Kids these days, man. Wasn't what I was wearing. I was wearing something that said to them, I'd like to pay $3 for a hibiscus tea.

Did you ever have a lemonade stand when you were a kid? You know. Did you ever do that? Dirty goym work? I saw. Like a dirty goye? Yeah. A lemonade stand to show to the...

I saw kids doing that. Uh-huh. And all I could think was, your house is fucking dirty. I'm not drinking that. Like, you could see from the exterior. like, I don't want anything. I don't even want the people from inside of that house.

I would make it, I would, I would do little many lemonade stands. I even had a video game on my Apple 2GS computer of lemonade stand tycoon. So at night I would play lemonade stand tycoon, and during the day I would sell lemonade. I was hustling. I was playing tax man, ready to fucking shoot a chili pepper up your ass right around the corner. You were playing tax, tax man, asshole game. Well, did you remember that game? Taxman? No. It was like Pac-Man, but you just...

You went around munching taxes? I think it was this dots and shit, but I just remember it's exactly Pac-Man, just called Taxman. You got to munch a bullet. So you should be munching. Just shotgun shampoo, man. Shotgun fucking shampoo, man. I think I would charge like 25 cents when I was running my own lemonade stand back in the 90s. Back in 1991. Back in 1991. I used to Noah. Was it like 20 bucks for lemonade? You know, I was a d'allie. You know, it was a d'allie. deal. Don't worry about that.

It was a reasonable price. You could make a collect call with that. Was it real lemons and sugar? Or was it that country time fucking... Come on, man. It was the good stuff. It was country time. Real lemonade. There wasn't no real lemon thing. Real things were seen as a negative and gross

back in the 80s. This was probably in 89. Real stuff was disgusting. We wanted fake lemons, fake tits. Fake fucking slim jams, all that shit, man. Yeah. Meat processed meat products.

Chicken McNuggets slurries. I don't want any real nuggets. I don't want a real chicken nuggets. It still makes me, they still have to, I throw up in my mouth when I eat a real McNugget now because I want that processed, delicious processed ambrosia. I need my childhood back. But did you ever do the frozen juice concentrates? Of course.

Dude, they ended those recently. Wait, why? Because they're like toxic chemicals and stuff. China's fucked them up. They're like everyone who knows about these is dead, so... Now you've got to eat whatever comes out of Jessica Alba's asshole. Can't just eat. You know?

It's like, oh, this is a real tomato. This is real fucking tomato juice. Yeah, we used to not give a shit about what was real. Sugar water, bitch. That's what I'm about. I'm like a fucking hummingbird. Coming fast. Come right on your face, and then I'm gone.

Like, they still got Sunny D. Do they? Do black people still have Sunny D? I don't think it's the same. You ever think that black people are like, kind of like Batman? Like everything's like black. Like they have a blackerang. Everything in their whole society culture. You know.

It wasn't used to be like that, but it is now. It's like they're like the Batman of people. Black man. This is a black channel. This is a black, fucking chair. There was Black Planet. Black Planet. That was a great MySpace alternative back in the day.

Mm-hmm. Which they did spot. This is my Blackmobile. Blackmobile. Yeah. Look, is a Lincoln Continental with suicide doors? Yeah, that's awesome. That is an awesome.

It's a broham. See, that's... I'm buying into this now. They are, though. Whenever I see them, like, actually, this is the Black Awards. This is like the Batman Awards. Anyway, I got raped.

These kids. Something about the way I walk. Must have been enticing to them. So I walked by, and they're like, Okay, mister. How about a nice, refreshing drink for you? Like, oh, yeah, sure, kids. What are you what are you selling some lemonade? Now we got hybiscous tea and like some baryum. Like, if you need to get a colonic, we got some baryum smoothie. I'm like, I guess I'll take the hybiscuitousc tea.

Fucking barium at a lot. I don't have any cash. And they said, well, we take Venmo, actually. Here you go. It's three bucks. I said, three bucks. Shit. Shit, man. Three of my black bucks. Three of my black dollars? Do you take black Venmo? Because that's all I got. I don't have...

You go to cash app? I don't have cash app. Do you... Do you little chitlins take cash app? I don't think so. Then I'm gone. That's what I should have fucking said. Oh, I don't have Venmo.

I only have Squizzy app. I have Squizzy Cash. Do you take Squizzy cash? Because that's all I got. I only have a... What, uh, Chile? Or Argentinian Boulevard. I use...

TAN on Telegram. Do you guys accept telegram payments of the TAN cryptocurrency? I have USDC on TAN. Venmo really fucked everything up because it used to be like the old

polite way to tell a bum they go fuck themselves I don't have got any cash man. And then they hold out their fucking phone with the little square attachment. It's like, well, where they do that? They all got it in their heads like Rimmer from Red Dwarf.

All the bums have QR codes in their fucking heads and NFC chips. Man. Uh... I said, he said, three bucks. You reminded me of something else. The projects for some reason. I went to the projects last week.

That was a mistake. It's always a mistake. I accidentally went to the projects. You ascidentally went there? I asked, I accidentally went to the projects. Man, what a sight that was. We were going to this, we were going to the Bob Barker puppet show, extravaganza.

Oh, how was that? Dude, it was... All of L.A. was there, for some reason. And it was full... Okay, Johnny. Hold on. Johnny, Johnny. It was full.

I have never seen... At the Bob Barker puppet show, Extravaganza, big park full. Full, full. I have never seen so many fat women dressed like clowns. And

Johnny get ready for this, okay? At the Bob Barker puppet show extrav... I have never in my life seen so many fat women dressed like clowns.

And many of them were also dressed as circus performers. It's like going to an old-timey fucking church. Johnny? I've never seen so many fat women dressed like clowns. And there were also dressed in circus performers. Did you know the clown noses go up their nose? I did know that. You did know that? I didn't know that. There was like a clown nose shop and I was like, oh cool, let me check these out.

I grabbed one just had two prongs in it. I was like, oh, never mind. That's not very, you mean all these fucking clowns are going on? Prongs stuck up their nose? It's not those Walgreens ones you get for a dollar. You just pull open. I wanted to take a picture of my son with a clown nose on, but all of them have prongs that go up your nose. I was like, hey, do you guys have any with prongs that go up your ass? You guys have those joke clown noses that aren't professional grade? What is the hell are you selling here? Who the fuck wants to buy a real clown nose of prongs that go into your brain?

Dude, you have to get lobotomized in order to come here. Do I look like a mummy? Do I walk around going, oh, with my arms out? like Frankenstein but not quite dude you went to jumbo's clown extravaganza man double jumbo jumbo was there

it was dumbo's clown room dumbo's clown oh my god fuck they flattened out the whole used to have some nice hills in that park but now it's all flat stomped them all flat

no so we go we're driving there and I'm like oh I know where the hot parking is I'm gonna take a left before all these schmucks I'm gonna I'm gonna jump out in front of the, my nihilism really kicked in. I'm like, this parking's fucked. I'm going to go do my own thing, so I make a hard left.

Right before, my wife's like, okay, this, we could walk this. And I was like, one more block, one more block. She's like, I don't know, I was getting a little far. I was like, one more block, one more black. She's like, I don't know about this. Do you know where we are? I'm like, we're like two blocks away from the park. I make a, skip another block, and I'm like, wait a minute.

I started hearing the Sesame Street sound in my head D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D. Fucking black guy hung half to over, looking like Samuel Jackson and Black Snake Mown doing the fentanyl shuffle. I was in the projects. You know what the projects are like. They're like all brick building.

It looks like fucking Sesame Street. Dude, it's like you have to go back like a hundred years to the industrial revolution to see the skeletons of these buildings that yeah it's really wild it is it is wild that is how i thought there was this old-timey trash can there i thought oscar the grouch was going to pop out of it just it was a pit bull oh yeah popped out with a little girl in's mouth i said oh wow we got to get out of here it's really deceptively nice it's like downtown disney but somebody you know ruined it's brown town disney Oh god.

That's my mouth. I got this bone. I got a bone graft in my fucking mouth. I'm not, I don't even know if I'm supposed to be talking. Oh. It's fucking this, uh, I don't know if he was a dentist or like a mechanic.

He cut open my jaw. He was in there for about, just 30 minutes. Vrah, grinding this shit down. Pumping some bone in. that's fucking gross is fucking disgusting

it's gross I don't want a dentist pumping a bone in anywhere you gotta brush your teeth make sure to brush your teeth don't open any beer bottles with your teeth I think that's what I think I did that I did that like 20 years ago

I think that's what fucked up my teeth I used to rip phone books in half with my jaw that just bite on with them man I have a lot more practical advice for my son than my dad had from hands holly's like don't open bottles with your teeth

uh that used to be the thing It's like, let me see that. Really? Ripping phone books with your teeth? No, just any... Oh. Anything.

I was like, yeah, you got fucking... You got teeth, right? So those kids who raped... The rape wasn't even the Venmo thing. I was fine with the three bucks. I don't care. I like to keep it in the system, you know? Right.

Keep the money up here on the hill. You know? If one of these bums, one of these goddamn Mexicans came to me. Yeah. Hey, signor, can I get a 50 cents? I would say, get a job. Yeah. Get a job.

Get another job. Get a job, even. Get your own job. Don't get one of our jobs. Yeah. Get a job. Some little nice white kids up here. Yeah, three bucks, hey.

Let me see the QR code. That's all I need. Then they give me the hybiscous tea. They give me a cup that you get when you rinse your mouth out at the dentist. It was like a this big of a thimble cup. I said, you've got to be fucking kidding me. And then their mom, I hear, hey, and as their mom is standing. standing in their yard behind me.

Watching as you beat all these three kids into mush. I was watching Phil, I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. I'm starting to hear that noise. Right? And then I hear the mom. Oh, good one, guys. You got another, you raped another one, huh?

Go back in your little trap doors, like that spider that comes out. Yeah. What an asshole. Oh, you thimble, man. See, I remember when I was running a lemonade stand, And I would have the big, big-ass solo cups. It would cut into my profit, too.

I'd have to go buy them. The expensive ones, because they're going in people's cars, I thought. They've got to be able to sturdy enough to go in the cup holder. Not a fucking paper cup. That'll just sit in a great... There's a method to it all. It's about the customer. You know?

Rip averse ethics is what it's about. This kid fucked me over with the little tiniest thimble. What a piece of shit. And then I walked the dog back and he's like, you want some, oh, we already got you. Like, what kind of... Should stick the dog on him. I finished it. Maybe I could buy

another one. You have a large? Crush the cup and throw it out of his head. I didn't know, there was some kind of puppet fetish going on, or maybe it's something fat women can pull off, so they're all into like puppeting up, you know? Well, it's the only thing they can manipulate.

Puppets? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Dogs are too fast. Dogs are too fast. They don't listen. If something's on strings within arms reach? They eat all the treats.

The fat women eat the treats. Did you see that lady at the dog show who did that? What? No. It was like a dog or a cat show or something. She's supposed to give the treat

with the dog, yeah. And she's this fat old lady and she goes, big old fat one. She fucking takes a chooch off of it. You can catch him. Catch them fat ones. You know, and they're not looking.

You catch them rooting around. Big mouth ass. fishing. Big my ass. Toss a bag. Toss a bag of cornuts. Outside the bathroom. Dude, I...

One of my most traumatizing fat women experiences was in, I think, high school. We had a sub for a week because half the class went on some trip. I was one of the bad kids, so I had to say wine, of course. Cool. Totally cool.

And we had zipzaps at the time. What's a zipzap? It was those little RC cars from radio shack. It was like a remote that was like this big and a little car you could stick on top yeah, I remember swap out the motors, the shells, all that shit. That was dope. It was super dope. And we're in high school, right? Like, oh yeah. And so, teachers gone for a week. We got some fucking fat bitch. So we're bringing the zip zabs to class, having races around her feet. Yeah. Well, so then at some point, we're going, we're just tearing up

the class. And she's walking, she can't see them. So she's walking around handing stuff out. And the battery on mine starts dying. And I'm trying to phone at home. I'm like, come on. Just come back. And she fucking steps on it. And that turns back into the plastic particles from whence it came. All you saw was the little antenna afterward.

And I was like, oh, I guess there goes the rest of my lunch money this fucking month. Like, fuck. But the part that was so appalling to me was she smushed it, kind of tries. Like, she tried to look over. And she goes, oh, man. Like the floor's a mess and she kicks the fucking shit to the side and sprays all the parts that's like oh man their houses look like Yeah ramps up on the side just fucking All the debris all the debris is everywhere

The debris is everywhere Uh I started taking muscle picks now Because I'm so sick of you have a kid and every picture you take Yeah You look like a fat ass especially when you're fat You're leaning back because you're supposed because you've been carrying the kid for like an hour So you're like this every single picture

picture I'm like this so now I'm like fuck I took another one my wife uh 80's girl found a activity for the weekend you always got to do activities right when you have a kid just because you go you just you go insane if you just sit at home so it's you and every one of these activities is you and like just a bunch of other people with kids like just fucking shuffling around like zombies at 8 in the morning, wherever it is. You know? And there's like a band being paid to... Like, uh-huh, going around.

So, took a picture when I was there and I looked fat. I'm like, no, no, no, let's do... We're doing it this from now on. So now I'm doing like, muscle man. Pigs holding the baby, and going, oh! Hell yeah. I'm so sick of looking so fucking fat. You know what I started doing?

And it's actually pissed somewhat off was I try to purposely look fat pictures if I'm taking a group photo. I'll stick my stomach out and like lean back and believe. Yeah, I need to. I did that. And then some fat person was like, hey, what the fuck, man? Like, I'm asking, when I was your weight, I would have never done it. It's just like, oh, fuck. Oh, man, I don't think this is, I don't think this is good what I'm doing. I think this bone's going to get rejected. You know, these gross stitches in my mouth. Man.

A little bone rejection never heard anybody. I got to reject this bone. So Armenian put a bunch of bone in my mouth and of course my insurance didn't cover the fucking bone I don't know why I waited like two months for my insurance to kick in and they paid about six dollars Was he a trombone player? French horn just making fucking bone jokes all day He had his fist up my ass all right I just use all Sean's jokes on you They're great yeah

But I'm doing like now I'm doing the math on this bone I'm like, man, I don't, how do you keep an office? I don't know if this was enough money for you today. You're fucking, you're skimping out somewhere. You're fucking me over somehow. I don't know how, but I'm going to find out. Probably crummy bone. Well, it was like, I'm sure if you looked at the full dental office name, it was like

a fucking bone fill and Phil McCracken. Bro, the next, one of the, one of the other, one of the other people in the dentist's office is Dr. Kovorki and a children's dentist. Awesome. When I parked, I pulled in and said, reserved for Dr. Kavorki and children's judge. I was like, is this, is this even funny anymore?

Like, do modern, do parents? Because I'm older than normal parents. I'm 20 years. Do they even get this? Like, the levels to that one are great. So I can't eat chips. Fuck, that actually sucks, man. I can't go down on my wife for a couple years.

The guy told me. At least a few years. We're a health-based show. You know, it's for your health. You can't be doing that. Yeah, I don't want to get cancer like Kirk Douglas. Right. Or Michael Douglas, yeah.

So about the picture thing. So A's Girl's got this, she took this horrible. I'm not the only one taking bad pictures. Oh, me too. She's got this horrible picture of her and with Donnie, where they were at the uh the autry museum and they've got some stupid it's like a not really a ride it's like a bench that you sit on and you know it's an old cowboy museum right so this was it was cutting-edge shit in the 90s that they probably's the last time they retrofitted this place right

so you sit on a little bench and then some asshole cowboy is talking to you and says like let's see how you do in the movies and then they put a green screen behind you and they're playing all this shit find you and you're just sitting there reacting to it right you understand i love that kind of shit yeah it's great so she didn't know she found out the first time they went a couple weeks ago maybe months maybe a month ago she's like oh yeah look we got this we got this picture they took this picture in the middle of the thing they took this picture of us reacting to shit and apparently they do this like that's the ride right so she brings it home she's like look at this shit She gives me the picture

And it's like the baby looks great But she looks like she's saying something To get the baby excited She looks fucking retarded She's like oh like in the middle of saying something You're making like a ooh sound right It's hilarious So I of course

Took it and put it in one of the frames in the wall Just to be an asshole You know Greatest trick in the book And it turns out As luck would have it He fucking loves the picture. She's like, get rid of that picture.

I don't want that picture of me looking like you're retard in the main area of picture frames, right? It's in the really nice picture frames. These are the pictures that I hung up with a fucking, with a template and a leveler, right? The other pictures I don't. Didn't use the level or anything. I'm like, whatever, I don't care.

It's a focal point. This is the focal point. It's good, right? If my dad saw them and never said shit about any of them, good or bad, so I know they're perfect. He had none, that was the one time. He looks at it every time he comes over. He's like, something wrong with these.

I've got to figure it out. Yeah. I'm going to ask Google A1. What's wrong with these pictures? So I put it up and she's like, you've got to take it out. And then Donnie, every time Donnie looks at it, he's like, nay, nay, he's pointing at the horse because it's them in front of this stupid, CG, shitty-looking horses, like, from the 90s, right?

Like, from, like, descent-era computer graphics. Fucking food fight. These crummy horses going like this, right? And he's like, nay, nay! And he goes, he goes, every fucking day. He comes in and he looks at that picture and goes, nay! He loves it.

He loves the fucking horses. So I say, I can't take it down because he looks for it every day. So it looks like you... What do you want him to start crying? Yeah. Looks like you have a shitty picture. I guess that's a... I guess that's a you problem.

Dude, that's a new game. bro. Yeah, that's a new game. You've got to see all the worst pictures you could take of her that are like founding memories for him. So anyway,

flash forward to yesterday. And she's like, get up, we're going to the Cowboy Days Festival at Botry Museum. It's like, oh, cool. Great, let's go shuffle around like zombies. So all the other parents.

All right? Like, oh, cool. So we go there and I'm like, what is this anyway? What are we doing here? She's like, well, it's, you know, we got to go to get, we got to go. The parking's going to be fucked. We got to get there early. Like, it's, there's no fucking way.

I mean, I don't know. It just feels like I'm on, sometimes I'm just in like, sometimes I know when I'm being gaslit. And it's always like, I'm pretty sure there's going to be parking at the fucking zoo for this gay cowboy museum thing that you want to go to. was this all a ploy for redemption Johnny Oh my fuck So I didn't think anything of it at the time

Because the first time she took the picture It was months ago Yeah So we parked We find for sure enough It was packed as shit But thank God I found one parking space At the very end of the zoo

I'm like, see bitch parking was fine Well you know you're being gaslit When it's the woman going Oh parking's gonna be fucked It's like when did you care about parking It's gonna be fucked I'm the one who's always got to find it.

So we get out, get the stroller out, doing the shuffle. It's 90 degrees. And I'm like, this is fucking horrible. This fucking sucks. You know, there's like a hot rod competition. So these assholes are fucking rat. And I forgot my ear phone. So I'm like, oh, man, it's just like white hot pain constantly as we're walking around.

Okay. Which is ZZ Top playing everywhere. And she's like, look, there's a bar. Why don't you have a drink? I guess fucking 10 in the morning. What are you? Yeah, I'm at least that hour behind. First of all, I'm not having one drink ever.

So. Yeah. But I walk over there. I meander on over. Howdy? I'm like, this is members only. I'm like, okay. That shit again?

Member when I have knocked your ass out for that shit? Give me a fucking drink. I said, well, How much is membership? They had a horse corral. We go, because Daniel has horses so much, we go over there. I knew he's going to hate it. A horse in real life is just disgust.

I hate horses. They're so big and retarded. Yeah, it's weird because, like, you see animals, like, in documentaries, pictures of them. We have concepts of them. But then you're faced with the actual thing, and you're like, God damn, this thing's fucking big. This thing's big. I hate it. Let's eat it. Yeah.

Give me a stick. I'm going to kill it right now. It will kick me in the head, and I will not even see it coming. Plus, you know, horses, there's always some asshole that knows all about horses. I feel like if it's just me and the horse, I could deal with a no problem and get on it and do whatever. But there's always some fucking asshole who's like, now you've got to come over here and come around this way. And like, really? It's so fucking complicated.

A horse? Okay. Make sure you feed him with your palm. like this. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was gonna stick my hand in his mouth. Yeah, I was just gonna feed him my whole fucking arm.

Are their teeth so fucked up, too? Because they eat apples all day. You eat fucking Pop-Tarts. God damn horses. I hate horses. Anyway. My Pop-Tart budget with all my fucking horse stables through the fucking roof these days. So we go over there.

We go over to the horse area because it's shady. And I'm like, God, I wish this line was longer. It was like three people in front of us. Like, I just want to sit. in a shade for like two hours. I wish there was 40 people in line. And we get up there and I say, this is odd, kind of odd.

These horse handlers are kind of acting odd. And one of them turns around and says, one of them was like fake punching the horse as it was getting out of control. My wife goes, what's going on with these horse guys? Did you see that guy punching the horse? I said, yeah, I saw that guy punching the horse. How do you get that job?

you go to prison I was like look look what they're wearing it says like helping hooves or some shit I'm like and they were all black I said where the fuck and she's like I thought

just black people liked horses it's like no that's some chain gang shit yeah this is a this is a prison release program that these guys are on this is a this is like a bonding with horses

in prison a rehabilitation program that's where we're taking our son right now to convict horses they're not even good horses they're like crummy horses They're like crummy horses. They're like small.

Shot up ones. Horses are convicts too. So, of course, the guy's like, oh, come on over here. Let's check out his turn. He's like, come out over here. Bet the whole of children. I'm like, nah, he's all right. He's like, come on over here.

My wife goes, get up there. Like, all right. So he'd get closer. And of course, I was like, ah, get me out of this fucking place. And then I said, hey, sir, can you go stand over there? He doesn't like convicts. He doesn't like animals. He was like, all right, well, that was a bust.

He sold me on coming here because of the horses. And I thought it would be cool, but on, you know, in hindsight, I should have known that he would hate that. And she goes, well, let's go check out the museum. He said, I don't want to go check out the museum. She's like, no, it's cool. It's got like Red Dead, like Red Dead redemption stuff in it. And it's air condition.

Like, okay. Why don't you lead with that? Yeah, you sold that in a weird, you sold that in a weird, you sold that in a weird, chungus way, but. It's certainly not at all for me to get a different picture. Red Dead I got Red Dead at home I don't need a fucking museum

of Red Dead It's like she's like pretending to be on the phone Like what's that? We're gonna go get drinks Play Red Dead? Like do with that whole fucking bit It's a whore museum I got a whole wing about whores

A little whores Hors taking their little guns out of their And it's free Fucking Garter Belt You could try to fill up a whore And she goes Just watch it there, mister!

Hey hold on Oh not so Fast, decks. Get a couple lead slugs in your chest. Yeah. Try to grope the whore. She's like, whoa, buddy? Getting a little fresh there, mister.

I thought this was the Wax Museum. So we're going around. Museum. And a media line could tell something was wrong. Or something was off. Something was queer. Because I walked in and I start going where I want to go where cool stuff is.

And she's like, oh, well. Oh, maybe we could go over there. I'm like, no, ignore, ignore. Because I got the stroller, so I can do whatever I want. Got to hit deny on that, Claude request. Deny. Yeah. Ignore. Spam.

Mark is inappropriate. It's spam. Report. So we're walking around. I'm like this place. All right, whatever. It's cool. Whatever.

She goes, let's go to this wing. Let's go check out the thing I was telling you about. I said, okay. So we go over there, we go over to this new other wing, and it's like Chicano art. Cool. A literal fucking giant Chevy truck in the middle of the museum. That was the art, with one of those serapi blankets on it. Was it for sale at least?

It's just so, it's so insulting. All the, like, that museums have gone on this, like, uh, devolution of putting like minority art every like pots and pans from from 5,000 years ago check out this pot like who gives a fuck about

a museum's like good cool stuff yeah good stuff that's like the culmination of a you know the best and a civilization not like a bunch of garbage not like a bunch of shit like you don't show me a latrine that they made out of clay right like rebuild a whole fucking ziggarot that I can walk through and just bug out in

Yeah, it's all of this, all of this garbage, like half art, like this runner-up art, which is actually offensive to me as a Mexican, more than a white person. My white side loves the, my white side loves the racism of lower expectation, but my Mexican side is to see serapes in museums, right? Well, it was weird to me, like, you would see, like, the serrapes everywhere, and you're like, oh, cool, you know, some handmade blanket. And then I'm at Trader Joe's, and I see him for sale out for 15 bucks. I was like, oh, you...

How's that art? Yeah. It just pisses me off. It's wasted floor space. Anyway. As we're walking in, as we're walking in, they got some goddamn, some goddamn bi-lay floor glorico

with 200-pound tortoise spinning around... He's got to spin plates on his fingers so they can't get what's on top. Oh, she! The bi-lay-floklorico, I mean, they're using uniforms that they had from the 90s,

and they're tight, tighter than hell with those little tassels hanging off of them. Doing it, they're like, this next, our next violet folklorico was about ice. It's called, uh, contra, it's called fight ice. By Isay. Like, all right. Let's get out of here.

Let's go inside. Get out of, get the fuck out of here. I got to text ICE's hotline. Yeah. There's 12 fat bitches in Baile folklorico uniforms at the Gene Autry Museum right now. Send in your, send in your heavies. Send in your tanks.

Bringing a cat wide fucking trailer. I'll tie them up. I'm gonna zip tie their ass. You send in the paddy wagon. Dude, you would need a zip tie about five miles long. I got six zip ties. I'm gonna clique them together. Click, click, click, click, and have one zip tie.

You know they make reusable zip ties? You can like push a cab in and then undo it. Fuck that. I don't want that. Because they get all crummy when you use them. They get all crummy. And there's something about when some shit head goes, well you got to clip it at an angle

and then you go fucking reach in somewhere and you fucking... I would never believe a reusable zip tie would protect my shit, never. Like a reusable condom. No thanks. You don't wash them out afterwards and hang them in the yard to dry?

Yeah, I mean, you only need to... I don't even unravel them. I'm just like, see, check it out. I'm putting it on. Wink. I didn't know you could unwrap them. I just have been collecting them. Like a little badge of honor.

So we're going through the Chicano fucking pottery art shit And I'm like, this place sucks. Let's get out of here. And she goes, no, there's interesting. There's more interesting stuff here. My wife goes, there's more interesting stuff. And then there's a guy starting to do like a Chicano lecture on something.

How long did that take? Yeah. I don't know. She's like, oh, look at this. She goes, oh, look at this. Isn't this weird? We're at that, look, this is that thing I was telling you about where you sit on it. And it takes pictures.

And you take a picture. And it takes a picture. You pretend that you're in the movies. And I said, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Has this whole fucking day been about getting a fucking picture? Another picture of this fucking thing? Wait a fucking minute.

And the guy's giving his talk now on like being Chicano and ice and shit. And I said, you gotta fucking be kidding me. Because I don't give a shit at all. Like before I thought I was like, you know, I don't give a shit about what's going on. But now I'm like, I couldn't even remember the address of not giving a shit to send it a postcard. I just don't see anything at all anymore Not even like wow cool That guy doesn't give a fuck

I'm like I just like I left my parents house last week I forgot my fucking shoes My wife goes How the fuck did you get all the way home without your shoes I said I honestly don't know I don't know I left the house Got in the car Got a home and I said

Where the fuck are my shoes I don't know How did you not just like Turn I said let's go Let's go on the fucking ride And take another fucking picture then Let's fucking do it.

Let's do it. So I'm maximum. Oh, God. I'm maximum effort. We get on as cowboy asshole pops up and says, oh, here you go. Let's see what good of an actor's you are. And I'm like, look at this fucking guy. Look at this fucking shit.

There's a cowboy. There's a big fight. Look at this. We got to go this way. We got to go this. And then you're in space, right? And I'm just being an asshole. And she goes, I think we're messing up this guy's talk.

Like, what? Oh, it's your problem now. You're the issue here, Dick. And then I see them. I see the fucking horses. I see the shitty CG horses appear on the screen, and I go, like this, right? That's what I was going to ask.

If you sat there the whole time like that. Because they're going fast. They're going fast. And then it does more shit. And I'm like, all right, let's get the fuck out of here. Let's go see Dino land out back. and then go home because I'm hungry She's like Well okay wait I gotta get the picture

I'm like oh I know We're gonna be over there fiddling around with We're gonna be over there fiddling around with guns Looking at the guns and stuff they got It's actually cool they have cool stuff there They bet they do yeah Once you get out of the Chicano shit Right

They have Andy it's like Andy Warhol But it's all Tweety Bird That's like four pictures You know With a bandana on and a blunt I don't know what the deal is with Mexican art Diego Rivera stuff that's cool.

Friedikala, you know, it sucks, but... Yeah, like, what is... Huh.

What's the deal? What is the deal? Copyright infringement, I think. They just got to fill up so much space. It all kind of just turns into a pastel mess.

Anyway. Mexico's like a giant notebook that everyone's just been scribbling on this whole time. It's just like chalk art. Like, all right. None of this was made to last

for longer than today, right? So why is it in a museum? This is supposed to be used. Not everyone has to have museums. It's fine. You don't need... White people have museums.

You don't need to have a museum. It's fine. Take a picture of it. Write a cool description about it. Maybe even talk about the specs of what medium, whatever. Yeah. Just go, here you go. Here's a book.

Buy it for the price of... You got, you know, you got... Tito, what's his name? Senor Burns. Tadda-da-da-da-ta. El Diablo Continero Tutu

Is that the guy who wrote Hamilton? It may not surprise you But all of us despise you Please die and fry In hell You rot You know that song? Vagely

Simpsons I try not to watch that show This is before your time It used to be good Well everyone I knew loved it Yeah And then everyone that I know loved it Died

I was gonna say that So I was just, you know, if there's one lesson I could take away. Tito Fuentes, maybe. I don't know. They got good music. What the hell? So Donnie and I are fucking around with, we're looking at the guns. And I'm explaining like, you know, check out this gun.

If mommy ever starts looking depressed, you got to make sure you, p, pop, pop, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p. She starts coming out you with exercise bands. You got to go, pop, pop, pop, pop. Start in the chest because then as the recoil, you work your way up. Yeah. you gotta go you gotta push both joysticks down and then you gotta tag her in the

head and go all the way up to the you gotta teach him the 27 rule too what's that about how if you're within 27 feet a gun is useless because by the time you pull it out to go shoot I could run up and stab you I'd like to see that

that's what I'm like ah but you gotta teach him I'd like to see who made up that fucking dumb rule the guy who either shot the person? You want to try it? Yeah, it's like that I... O'A! That's what I would do. That's a good... Oh, the Bugs Bunny Matador bit.

I like that one. Is that like good and bad, the ugly, too? You're in, we're in, we're in 27 steps of me. You got to ask yourself if you're fast enough. Listen, partner. No, I think that's what it was. It's been a long time. It's not right up on any of that shit. So we're dicking around, spinning these wheels.

spinning some kind of wheel for some reason. Making ice cream? Yeah, and my wife comes over and she goes, you're never going to believe this. She shows me the picture. And it looks even worse. I said, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

She's like, you're going to mess up this guy's presentation. What could be better than this? Yeah. What could be better? Whatever talk he's giving, this is better. This is better, much better. Yeah, that guy gives that talk a hundred times a day. This is only happened.

I got a round. Hey, guys, everybody. Guys, guys, guys only. Guys only. Come here, come here. Let me tell you what happened here. That would have been a better presentation. Sure enough, I put it up the other one.

It's worse. You're making this. same fucking face. You're doing the same fucking thing! You're doing the same fucking thing you were doing before! Women. That like, there's nothing better than the long con

that still is the cigar exploding in the face. And I knew it would happen. I knew as soon as I started fucking at the beginning. It's like, I know this is going to get in her head. Right. because it's like what's the expression

no good deed goes unpunished this wasn't a good deed it was fucking with everyone's time let's see let's see if Merlogic is here oh my goodness Merlogic are you here let me test

I'm still muted oh there he is can you hear me dude I can hear you can you hear me we can hear you yeah you're a little fucked up what are you calling in on

uh you know I'm probably the most I was destitute. I've been since being homeless, but you know, I'd be. Oh, no. What's, what's going on with your life, man? You're more destitute. I, you both will think I'm fucking with you, but I would argue that Vito has a higher standard of living than I do right now. You know, Vito doesn't have a door on his bathroom. Are you sure about that?

You know, it's interesting you bring that up. Does Vito have sepsis on his fucking floor? Because I do. Vito has sepsis on his head. Yeah, I got sepsis on my fucking feet because my, My floor is covered in puking shit and God only knows what. Where do you live? Dude. So, a while back.

Like a little while back. The Wilderbred guy. He's calling in right now. He's having a lot of problems. Mr. Wonder, even. Mr. Wonder. What's going on, man? Where are you living?

A piece of shit in the asshole and the bigger asshole in the middle of nowhere. A while back when I was talking with my landlord, he told me that, all right, so the house at your current. living in right now, you will never meet the actual landlady of this house. So for all intents and purposes, I am your landlord. So when the month comes by, you have to give me the rent check. Give it to me. That was fine for three years. In fact, that house I was living at before I moved here was probably the best house I was living at when me and Johnny were still talking about how hypothetically one day he'd come and visit me. I would have been proud to show that place. I thought you were going to come

up and visit him. What happened to that? I got changed. Johnny, I was aware of that. And then you got busy in regards to how a bunch of people in Hollywood would rather you work in the coal mines. Definitely, I never see your family because they will whip you if you even suggest the idea that you should see the sunlight. They don't even know I'm here right now. You vetoed Merologic.

I know. I did. You veils. We had plans, Dick. You know, you were supposed to give him time off. We were supposed to go to scandinia and go go-karting. Your wife got pregnant and then stuff happened. That's how it happens. I was going to have a Wonderbread Sandwich eating contest with him. Oh, yeah?

Johnny had this whole ass plan that he elaborated. He's like, bro, I'm going to rent a Humphi, and I'm going to drive it from L.A. to Santa Rosa. And I told him, like, bro, you're out of your mind. This is a six-hour drive. Like, Dick loves you. He's not made of money. I was going to run him over with it, but yeah.

Hey, Mur, what are you using to call in on right now? Are you using a phone? I'm using my computer, which is currently covered in dust. Okay, cool. All right. This is the best you can do then. I appreciate it. Where are you living?

What is your living situation, right? Do you live in a house or an apartment? I lived in a house like a person would, and then three years after having the best standard to live and I had in a while, some shit happened. Because here's the thing about living in California, Dick, because you live in L.A.,

and you don't relate to this, but other people do, because people who live in L.A. actively have boxing fights with God. When you live in California, you can't live to live on your own, so you got to have roommates. and your landlord makes it really clear

the reason why you can't live a little. I got two roommates, they're horrible. They're waking up and fine every day and banging shit around. I got told by my landlord it's like, look, man, we got to get you some roommates because while you appreciate the standard of living, it ain't free and it ain't cheap.

So we're going to find you some roommates that are really compatible with you. That was what he told me. And then he brought in a guy who looks like a background character from American Pie who acts like Tom Grubes. from Freddy got fingered.

And the other guy was just a homeless destitute retard who ruined my life for like the whole year and a half I had to live with him and then I got kicked out. Why did you landlord bringing in miscreants to live with it? It's like a social worker landlord kind of deal? It's something like that. You see, I've moved on from a house to a halfway house. I moved on from having two horrible roommates

to six horrible roommates and quite frankly, I'm getting tired of it. You live with six people right now? I live with a woman with dementia, a woman who's in a wheelchair. Just a woman. God only know. I mean, he doesn't get worse than that.

Wheelchair, dementia, who knows? Who cares? I fucking, when I was living at my old place, the guy who used to be homeless, took the screenplay I worked on for Johnny and destroyed it. Oh, what were you working on it on? Fucking Johnny went over to me as like, MIR, if you work on a screenplay

and then give it to me, if I ever come and see you, I will read it to Dick. So for a long period of, time would go through fits of like depression and I'd work on this screenplay and then I would like get really fussy about it and I'd throw it in a box I'd a bunch of Murifesto scripts

I never fucking finish that I threw in the box That's why I was like you gotta finish them A literal box I can't they're gone They destroyed them all he literally Ricked them all up he poured a bunch of fucking liquor all over them And he threw them in the garbage Ah, why?

Years of fucking work that was supposed to go To Johnny in the garbage Yeah I was just going to give it to someone in Hollywood to steal all your ideas and make a bajillion dollars off of it and not give you a single cent. What was this script about? I had all this great shit

and I was going to give it to Johnny and Johnny was going to come see me. We're going to go go-karting. None of that happened. Fucking none of it. I could tell your future from all the way out here in L.A. And I knew I was like, ooh. Yeah.

Why did the guy destroy all your stuff? And what was it about? What was it about? What do you mean? Why did the guy destroy all your stuff? first of all, first question. It was about that guy. Okay, so when these guys moved in, right?

My landlord at the time was like, look, you will barely even notice they're there, okay? They're your roommates, but you don't have to be friends with them. You don't have to talk to them. And one of them was, you know how when you're old, you like to drink a lot? And like, not even in like the fun, happy way that you do, Dick, the depressing, angry, like, I drink because it's the only thing I have going for me kind of way. That was one of those guys.

and he would drink every single day. And I think the breaking point for him was when I told him that I got tired of him. Like just on the weekends. Like how many days are you? No, no, no, no, no. We're talking unemployed, two years behind rent drinking every day. Like we're talking to the point so destitute that he would need the other roommate to come and get him alcohol. Because the other roommate would complain about how I'm the boring one.

Why don't they just give you like normal roommates? Why would they give you these like derelicts? no no no no because fucking we live in california no one here is fucking normal no one here works a nine to five i specifically asked my landlord's like look you say all this shit yet you bring me people that look like they've been literally licking paint all their lives and living in dumpsters why are you bringing them to the house when you know they have no money well they told me they had money at the time well you they clearly don't because they're two years behind rent and they drink all day they break my stuff and i think the breaking point was when I went over to him is like, look, man, you can't bring prostitutes to the house every day.

Oh, come on. Every day? He was bringing prostitutes over? When time, he brought a prostitute over to the house and he refused to pay. And she got really, really mad and jammed her acrylic nail into one of his eyes and he got blind in one eye. Jesus, fuck. Are you serious? dude, fuck it. So he would do this bit, right? We live about a few feet away from a casino, and every time he'd bring a prostitute over to the house,

she would just linger, and she wouldn't do shit. I don't even think they would, like, do anything provocative. They have a tendency to do that. They would just swap there. You pay for the hour twice, actually, in money and time. You would think prostitutes would have a fucking curfew because Tyrell is wondering where the hell his hoe went, and, like, a few days would go by,

and then she's like, hey, man, Lowe. I know you had. you're fun, but like, you gotta pay me. He's like, I'm by the hour, and then he would go, let's go to the casino, and they would fall for this every time, because he would drive them to the casino, right? And he'd be like, I'm going to go get a drink. And he would not go get her a drink.

He would get back in the car and then leave them there. Like he's putting him back in the wild. He would do this with multiple prostitutes. Go, go, go be with your own kind. Get out of here. Fucking air, bud. He would do this with multiple prostitutes. and then one day one of those prostitutes

followed him back to the house which I then woke up at 6 in the morning to the sound of a woman throwing rocks at my fucking window because some whore was screaming, you owe me money, where the fuck is he? And one day, I think it was during Christmas

because I had plans that day. Is he gonna try to suck my dick and I'll tell you where he is? One day I was gonna go out and hang out with some fucking people at Christmas and I heard him screaming in the other room because he had a fucking, acrylic nail that like broke off from her

fucking fingertip that's stuck in his eye. Wait, wait. He got blinded by a hooker on Christmas? He did the screenplay right there. Blinded by a hooker on Christmas, the Merlogic story. He did the bit with all the other fucking girls. And he was like, hey, let's go to the casino. He's like, no, we're not doing this. It's Christmas fucking day. Where the fuck is my money? And he said like,

Christmas. You're ripping off whores on Christmas? Man, you are a low down dirty scoundrel. she jammed her black acrylic nail into his fucking retina and like it broke off because you know they're glued there or whatever and like it fell off her tip got right in his fucking retina

immediately had to go to the fucking doctor. I don't know because I literally didn't even see her lead but I did see him bleeding profusely from the fucking eye after she left and I woke up and I'm like I don't have time for this and I literally left him to fucking call 911 on his own Why don't you have time for that?

Oh, because I hate him and I literally want him to die. You know, Dick, I went through a period of depression where I was reading up the life- Spenta. Tito Puente did the Mr. Burns song. Oh. That's who was. I was reading up on like the effectiveness of liver cancer and I learned that the human liver is very fucking inconvenient for me because apparently you don't start feeling the effects of liver cancer

until 10 years into your alcoholism. And this guy's like Cancer, it's like cirrhosis, right? It's not, I mean, because the liver starts feeling scarring and shit. And this guy was drinking every single day. In fact, one time he got into a DUI where he like swerved and he hit a cop car.

And the cop didn't arrest him. He sent him to the hospital, but he didn't arrest him. Why? Okay, so he was at Walmart, right? Because he had a nail in his eye? Wait, wait, what had to nail in his eye? I've got hundreds of stories.

I can tell you about this. I know why you write any of this shit down, man. You even like talking. And he destroyed it all and I'm supposed to give it to Johnny. And no, I can't. Why don't you write it on a computer? Just go computer, write all the... Take pictures of the pages.

He took... Okay. Riley told me that, look, I know... Of course Riley's involved. Of course. Riley told me that, look, Murr, you have a lot of unique and cool ideas, but they got to be tangible, okay?

You got to write something. Yeah, but your real life is so fucked up. You're like Towley from South Park. Like, you got, like, all this crazy shit's happening to you. Like, people don't, not everybody knows somebody who got their eye-clot out by a whore on Christmas Day. Riley told me, it's like, you need to be tangible with what you're right, and you need to give it to someone like Johnny,

and then you need to give it to him. What does that mean to you? What does that mean to you? Like, you know, physical, as it, like, written out in here, hand like pages and pages and pages but Johnny you work in Hollywood right you've seen that fucking picture of like the people who are supposed to be reading

like elevator pictures or whatever and they just eat them in a fucking room that are just filled to the brim of papers that they won't fucking read because they're probably just going to leave it in there and they're fucking Hollywood executive dude you would be such a good one honestly I I had all this shit planned

can we get you like a a bar mitzvah or something and get you in Hollywood so you can unleash this energy Johnny fucking had the whole bit that you went over with me It's like I'm gonna go over to wherever the hell you are We're gonna go karting We're gonna talk We're gonna go eat

You're gonna show me that crack house you lived in for 10 years Which I had all I still will do if he fucking comes here I'm so sure the crack house I was gonna show him where all the dumpsters I've been fucking jumping in lately Because I've been dumpster diving a lot lately I'm sorry what Yeah

Making a game out of dumpster diving You see I haven't been sleeping all that well and an apparition of Vito came to me in a dream and said, you know, Mur, despite what homeless people and the government would tell you, anything in the dumpster is free game. Like, you know what, Gersitio, you're absolutely right. And I've been dumpster diving ever since. Kindred spirits.

Yeah. What have you found in the dumpster? All kinds of stuff. I found a bunch of PSA grade Pokemon cards. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are we talking about Pokemon cards here? Why do you bring this up first? Oh, yeah.

Whoa. You see, Dick, Johnny, I know... Dude, I got fucked over. I sent in my Lugias. My first edition Lugias, I got a nine on them. Nine and an eight. You see, Dick, Johnny, I learned after Ghost Vito came to me in a dream, and when I started dumpster diving,

just because for the hell of it, I've been learning that Zimmers have no attachment to physical media. Did Ghost Vito finish his comic? No, he said, how's my audio? And then, like, I never spoke to him again. I'd just been dumpster diving ever since. You could tell it was a dream because he's already dead, yeah. His force gust

Yeah But no I've been finding all kinds of stuff I've been making a game out of it Either you guys want anything I'll gladly go dumpster diving later after this call Because I was gonna go do that anyway I'll mail it to you guys I want to talk to that horror

That's clawing guys eyes out Of course Because there was multiple of them That he all left at the fucking casino He never paid any of them How much did he stiffed him for Like 200 bucks or something less Total

Do I look like the kind of guy Who knows what the average fucking street payment you give a whore Chuck, you live in LA, that's your department. I took a picture with one last night, actually. A whore? Yeah. Yeah?

Me too. I was walking down the street. Just kidding. Just kidding. Wait, is that furious stompbs coming down the stairs? No, you're going to mess up my bone graft. It cost me $800 bucks. That's how much fucking goo bones cost.

That's eight days. I know, man I'm getting fucking raped Setback Okay, keep going I'm sorry You know Dick When I was listening to you guys

Talking to a whole bunch of stories You were talking about how much It's like he's Charlie Rose sometimes He like takes it down You know Yeah No I'm sad Yeah

Yeah I've had people straight up tell me It's like MIR You talk and you write Like you have multiple personality disorder It's like sleep deprivation will do that But you know You need like a ghost rider man

You got to get all this stuff down Do you need to go? I had so much shit that was for Johnny that you would have loved and like, you destroy it all in trouble. You can like write it down on a computer. Not you like scribbling it out on legal pads or receipts or whatever you're doing. Yeah. But, um, fuck. Yeah.

Uh, I, um, you were talking about museums. I remember one time a bunch of redditors thought it would be funny to email a museum and they told me about how. Hey, there's a guy who spends an obscene amount of money on women who, um, drive muscle. He would really love to come to this museum. And I went in my mailbox one day, and I got an invitation to a museum. I'm like, what the fuck is this? I went over to the museum, I'm like, hey, I got this in my mailbox. What the fuck is this?

Yeah, I went over to the museum, and I'm like, I got this. What is like, wait a minute, are you the guy? It was like, what do you mean? He's like, we had some people emailed us about a centric man with a lot of money who really likes women with muscle cars. We have the perfect portrait for you. And they dragged me, having me across the fucking museum.

And he showed me a picture of a blonde woman working on a Chevrolet. And I'm like, they've completely missed the idea of what they meant when they read that shitpost. Because I don't think women who drive... Is that not good? Is that what did you want to see? No. Anybody who has ever seen my art is aware that specifically it's got to be a business type woman driving a gas-guzzling SUV. Chevrolet is not a Hummer H-2.

So I saw that shit. I'm like, they're deeply confused right now. But the guy who read that email That's what MERS walking around the museum Not my tempo Not my tempo He went over to me and said Look, they said you are into women

Who drive power cars Showed me this portrait up on the wall We will gladly sell you this portrait For $10,000 Yeah Hmm Hmm Interesting

Bro would you ever curate an art show Like what if we did like a What if we had like an art show Curated by Merlogic and people had art and we had like a gallery. Pop up in downtown. Hell yeah, pop up in downtown. Would you do that?

I have a person who was an artist, who was a big fan of my shitposting, who once sent me a portrait of one of her OCs, in a frame that I hung up on my wall. It was the most thoughtful shitpost I've ever experienced in my entire life. But yeah, it's one of my most prized possessions. Yeah, but would you do that?

That would be fun. A pop-up downtown? Aologic museum? You don't need to find a lot of artists. to get people like Corgan and like just have them like draw Mur-proof shitpost and then put them in frames and then we could like you mean Johnny we're like talking about an art of fucking pop-up bro like a real gallery like a real gallery like 20 or 30 20 or 30 art pieces exhibits some food trucks I don't know how much would that cost like five grand museums but you got to commit to the bit we all

got to wear monocles we all got to wear top hats we all got to pretend we're I'm not dressing like a fucking retard this is a serious art event like you are you you you got to pretend to know Look, people go to museums and they lark like they pretend like they know what they're fucking talking about. I know what I'm talking about. Yeah, as someone who knows, as two people who know what they're talking about, just come down and be yourself. That will be the most outrageous gallery ever. Johnny, I have seen Ferris Bueller. I've seen the scene where they go to the museum and they stare paintings with all the somber music in the background.

We can be doing that. No, no, no. It doesn't need to be somber. It just needs to be you making an impassioned case of why everyone else's art is bad. That museum is actually great. That museum that they're at And that scene is actually great Oh, I get it. Johnny wants me to do the bit from It's Always Sunny

Where I pretend to be fringing, it's like boring He wants to do the bit of you being you Because you're like a cultural touch point The touchstone. You're like, you represent this You represent this collision of like schizophrenia And memes and also like Gooning pornography

And like you've embodied a cult You've embodied a style of art That represents this era. why it would be such a... That's what makes it so interesting. That's what makes it so funny as an art exhibit. And you have like an understanding of like vicious homelessness and like derelict, like, behavior. Yeah.

You're like the guy the system doesn't care about. I want to wear a monocle and a top hat and we are going to a damn art gallery. You got it. The rest of us won't, but for... They got tuxes in your... You can wear one of those little tuxes that goes... You don't pretend to be culture. You live in L.A.

there's museums everywhere, Dick. I almost said the N-word. I don't have to pretend to be cultured, motherfucker. You're the one sleeping in piss. That's culture. There's not one human being anywhere that gets Dick Moralb than I do. Would you do that?

Would you curate an art show? I don't know if any... Johnny want to flip the fucking bill or is he busy? Do I have to press you from your fucking toe on your ass? I'll put that bill. I'll put the bill. Don't worry about it. We'll split it.

Johnny. Johnny, what... HR department, do they have your ass locked in or they talk to you about out? Well, you see, we got to use the right pronouns when we write these characters in these scripts. And I need to save you because I'm tired of it. I want to go go-karting. Dick, you've already had your kid.

We're going go-karting. Come on. Well, I also want to go-karting because I heard you're extremely beatable. Mondays himself messaged me and said, you're actually the worst go-karter ever. I am a great go-karter. Every time I've lost, somebody cheated. No, no, no, no. No, no.

You cheated go-carts. He said you're... It's really simple. You basically just don't lose because if you lose, someone cheated. He said you use the double wide one because it's got more power in it. No, no, no.

You see, what happened was, I went over to the guy who was supposed to give you your retarded helmet that you put on because you're not allowed to get in the go-crime unless you wore them. And they gave me the one that's five sizes too big and it was still too small.

How big is you... What are you? How big is your head? Are you an Easter Island statue? Well, you see, it's funny you mention that because a long time ago I was reading my medical reports, right? And it said in the bottom of that you're a...

Medical reports to read. What the fuck are you talking about? Where did you get those? Well, you see, you got to know your medical reports because you don't go to a doctor, like, just guesstimating what you think you have. Like I did yesterday. Oh, no, no, no, no. You see, people with money pay medical bills. I don't.

Oh, you fucking cock sucker. You fucking cock sucker. That one hurt Merlogic. That one hurt me in my fucking heart. I went to the same doctor four days in a row in the same fucking week and they had me weight in the waiting room. I'm like, this is bullshit. You homeless motherfucker. That's why I'm in the coal mines is because you're benefiting it.

Yeah, I'm working so you could go to the doctor every day. I'm maxing on my you should hear about how you have to lose weight because your head's too fat. Honestly, when I went to the doctor and they were weighing me, I look like I'm thinner than veto now. I'm pretty much fairly well. How many scales did they have to use? I am thinner than Vito. You're thinner than Vito? Yeah.

It's not saying a lot. I know. Look, the bar is so large, it's on the ground, but let me have this, okay? I'm homeless. It's like weighing less than the colossus of roads or at roads, whatever the correct. What do you think of the new biggest problem? Have you watched it? No, I have no desire to listen to Vito talk about how, you know, there's a right way and a wrong way to poop.

I'm like, yeah, I'm good. I don't need to listen to this. That is what it is. That is what it is. Man. You undersold that. I like to poop from the underside. I like to poop from the oversight.

White people poop like this. See, when I wanted to go on the biggest problem, I'm like, I've got thousands of problems that are way better than whatever card problem, food problem, dumb problem the Vito's got on. Well, you got to talk about what you know, you know? And if all you do all week is poop. Yeah. Then I guess that's all you're talking about.

Shooting with the door. rights because yeah when you got people who were two years behind on their fucking rent you know they're another but a pan my fucking asshole got dreams got people I want to invite over and feel confident about I got people like you passed out on the floor on your fucking underwear

who are you inviting over your own fucking sick huh who are you inviting over and would have been Johnny if I didn't live in a destitute house at the moment you should have gone up and seen him it was you and schizzo Sean that were going to go up wasn't it or Riley when everyone was friends

when everyone was like you know, excited to like make things. That'll happen. That'll happen. You know. It's like you gotta just stay in the course. I need a ghost rider for you. I need to do this art gallery

and I need you to have a ghost rider. Murr, you should start plugging. I told you like a billion years ago I would kill for a ghostwriter. I literally just need one guy who I will just sit in a discord call with and he'll just, I don't know, go rust cold my autism for me.

Okay, let's do a let's do, let me lock you in for a three book deal. Go bug Johnny Rocket. No, no, no, no, no. He's too, I need a real professional ghost writer. I love Johnny Rockins funny. Johnny Rock is funny. Johnny Rock is hilarious, but he's an O.C. guy. I want a real, I want a fucking

factory man. A guy who sits there, gets stories out of people, writes it professionally. I told Ray Ray, if I ever told Ray if I ever made a clean. Yeah. Go ahead. I told Ray Ray, if I ever made a cameo in Super Killers, I want my hero persona to be a homeless man

who fights other homeless man. That's your current persona, right? Yeah, because it's accurate. You want to be accurate when you write things, Johnny. No, you don't. They do. Real life sucks. That's why you don't do a video game

where you do taxes all day. You do video games where you shoot people and go to the moon and other stuff. Shoot people on the moon even. Yeah. I will get that screenplay in your hands one day, Johnny. You really would have liked it. I know I would have loved it, dude.

Even being on this call for a few minutes, I'm just like, man. I'm excited about it. I could listen to you all day. Unfortunately, I don't have the time, but I could listen to you all day if I had the time. Well, I like to fucking go to L.A. and tell your bosses to give you fucking paid vacation hours. There's only so many horrible scripts you can read before you get tired of it, Johnny. He doesn't read scripts. I don't read scripts.

I'm in the sound department, but I was going to say if you just come out and, you just come out. and, you know, make the impassioned case that you deserve a spot, you know, what's the worst that could happen? Johnny, they have you locked in an HR room where a bunch of women who act like Yoko fucking Ono, all start just fucking Mongolian, throat singing in your fucking ear. They scream at me, yeah. And that's the audio that you're dealing with right now. I have to save you. You need to let me save you.

Mer, actually, you know what would save me is if you stopped watching media entirely. Nah, you got to have something to do. Why? then there would be no need to keep making slop so Johnny admits he needs me to help him I will come to L.A. today I will walk three years into fucking L.A. by foot if I have to I've got nothing going for me. Incredible estimates

see Cap has a dent in it um look Murp down here so we can make I gotta put this together man I just won't I won't feel I won't be able to go to the next world we need his stories down and your art

your art gallery could be like a launch of the book how about that one day the first book yeah yeah exactly

the trilogy of mur logic mer's logic that's what the series will be you know one day I'm going to

go ahead one day one day I'm going to die and it's going to make dick very depressed you can't die before us you piece of shit

That's not how that works Where do you live right now? I live in a shithole in the middle of a ghetto And some asshole in the middle of nowhere Like a garbage can? In Richard Geer Yeah, literally both Both literally and like fucking

Subliminally like a garbage can Figured it. Garbage people, garbage houses, Garbage, fuck everything. Do you live in a dumpster? Yes. You see, it's amazing How I dumpster dive in actual dumpsters And I feel more fucking in twine with the cosmos

and I do living in this dwelling of sadness. And my mattress is on my floor, Dick. That's cool, man. I wish my mattress. I have to have this $1,200 platform to move my mattress up six inches. Sucks. Yeah, I'm trying to bang my shin on it all the time.

I hate it. Johnny, if you ever saw the fucking first episode of True Detective where Marty goes over to Russ's house and Russ's house is literally just a mattress on a floor and a cross on the wall, I think that, but smaller and puke and shit covered all over the floor.

You have puk and shit in your own house, though. Can you just clean that up? That's a great fucking question that I asked my landlord before he fucking gave me the key. It's like, look, this will only be temporary. We'll find you a place. That was a much of a job.

Merr, technically life is temporary, too. Yeah, life fucking, the fucking... Why don't you clean it up? Not too much effort. No, listen to me. I'm going... I'm going to steal up this room when I leave. I'm going to put bricks and mortar in the,

no human being will live in this room after I leave. The monster at the end of the room. My fucking bathroom is worth a Justin Wang video. It's that bad. Hit him up. Justin would support the Merr's Logic Art Gallery. Dude, well, and that's the thing is like, Mur, that's why I wanted you to finish all those writings you were working on.

I did. I had them. No, we need the big guns. We need some big guns in here. Well, look, Murr, check this out too. Is like, the first draft is the thing that you'll be like, man, I'm proud of it. And then it comes out and you go, actually, I wasn't proud of it. I could have done better. So this is your chance to do even better than, you know, I'm not trying to, nay, say the first thing you did.

But I'm saying, yeah, it's going to be even better. You've gone through the process once now, the love, the loss, the grieving. Now it's time to really, the phoenix rising from the ashes or the vomit and poop. What do you think about that? I already know the whole script in the back of my mind from beginning to end. I just don't have anything tangible to give you. Let's get a fucking... What's the script about...

Do you have a logline? He's got some logs, all right. What is the logline? It's called Day to Die for the Dobek. It's about a fucking red coat, a confederate, and a Nazi being logged. in a purgatory dimension where they fight an evil princess. They fight an evil princess?

Yes. A red coat, British soldier, a confederate from the Civil War, and a Nazi are all teaming up to fight an evil princess in a dimension that she's created for the three of them. What race is the woman? She is an eldrick horror

who looks like a Disney princess. The name is Abigail, and she treats them like toys. I called it. She's an Eldrick horror? Like Coutulu? Yeah.

Literally a incomprehensible horror taking human shape trying to blend in with humans. What's her cats? I wouldn't say any of these three

are good people considering how it's a red coat of confederate and the Nazi. Oh, I get it. So it's a Southern Confederate. It's like Super Smash Bros. No, no, no, no, no.

The whole idea behind why the three of them were picked. So it's like true grit. Because he... Like, like... Literally, I... What character is the Nazi?

Like, what movie character is he like? The Nazi in your story? All right. So, the Nazi character, his name is Christoph. He was an orphan around the time... Chris Christopherson. The fucking SS during the rise of Hitler went over to his orphanage.

Yeah, what movie character is he like? Is he like anyone in Inglorious Bastards? Is he like the guy in his Engrorious bastards? Is he like... He's... I'll say he's kind of like a nicer. version of the Nazis and how they're depicted in the boy in the striped pajamas.

I didn't watch that gay shit. Yeah, what did you go to school, Mer? What the hell? What do you mean to the boy in the striped pajamas? No, no, no, I didn't go to school, actually. In fact, if anything, I skipped all the first through sixth grade. It's a shocker. No, that's tight. That's cool. But, dude, think about

this. Look at all those free school lunches you missed out on. Yeah, you can go to school at any time and get free lunch. Johnny, no human being wakes up and says, I want my grease for skeptical pizza that tastes like sadness. Now I know you're saying you're jeopardizing the gallery with what you're saying right now.

The pizza was the best part. Yeah, I wake up and say that. Fuck you. I had greasy pizza last night. I am a greasy pizza on the inside. I once wrote a merr- Take that back. Take it back.

I once wrote a Murr-Festo for my friend. Take it back, you fuckers. You got to take you back, man. You got to take that pizza shit back. are fucking... We need that pizza. You can live on garbage. Diggins on buttoning is fucking sure,

and I was like, I'm gonna beat your ass. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you unless you take that back. If you don't vehemently defend school fucking pizza right now,

you're on the line, pal. Yeah, man, you gotta get that corner piece. I guess it's too. Look, you might think the pizza tasted good, but that's your brain and depression mode.

You see, it's the same thing. Everything tastes good because of your brain, you dickhead? That's how tastes work. People don't eat Spread and enjoy it in prisons because their brains depressed. They eat because they're sad, dick.

Yeah, I'm sad. I'm hungry. I'm sad. I don't have no food. So I'm going to eat. I'm sad. You're out thinking food, man. You've gone too far.

You've gone too far in the fuckaverse. You need to come back. I once wrote a Merf best hell for my friend. This is why you're getting into pizza wars. The Jack's Colfani style pizza wars over here. Fuck, are you talking? talking about. Johnny's going to come to my house because he wants to break

my legs. It's like, there. We ain't going to go. Johnny's going to kill you. I'm going to kill you if you don't take the pizza thing. It's not a hill to die on, Johnny. Come on. You're going to die. He's going to kill you. It's a hill I thrive on. Guys, we're talking about all the chicken nuggets you ate. I once ate a chicken nugget and almost died.

Just one? What was it? What was it that you actually ate? I hid it wrong. I described it to Afer. Like, I put it in my mouth. I was like, Murk. You don't eat chicken nuggets. It's like a fucking snake. That's how you almost died. You ate it without chewing? I chewed it. I swirled it a little bit and I swallowed it and I almost choked. What, do you take them like pills?

It's like it's a moxicillin? You just pop in, pop in a... Wait, Murdo you do you take like a couple nuggets in your hand and shake them up like dice before you toss him back? No, I like he fucking my friend offered me a nugget. The last one in the box, I popped my mouth, swirled in my cheek. I swallowed it too fast. I get stuck in my windpipe and ends up dying. I was like, you know, I never tell you this, but chicken nuggets to McGess Donald's with a perfect size to get stuck in your throat. I have a lawsuit, but it was fine.

Because as I... So it's a cock. I gave myself the Heimlike maneuver. I shot that nugget out like a fucking air BB out of a fucking potato gun. It was whatever. Was it like the nutty professor fucking when he chokes on the soup?

Yeah. Was it like the nutty professor? I learned that when you're choking, you don't drink water because it makes you want to choke faster. Are you doing like a... like a bunch of bits while you're choking on a McNugget?

A drinking water? When you're panicking, when you're choking. This kind of shit doesn't go in the book. This kind of shit doesn't go in the book. Guy that gets his eyes clod out by a whore on Christmas, that's a book story. That's a book story.

Moralogic swallowing chicken nuggets whole like a snake. That's like a comic book. That's like a chungus book. It's like a... That's outsider art. Hey, what are you going to dress ass for Halloween? Uh, I was thinking about dressing like the backwards man from Freddy got fingered. That's...

That's... I was just like you could use a white guy. Backwoods, man, back as best as you can. Backward. That guy? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I might be a little fat, though.

A little. God, my fucking pits smell like toilet water right now. Jesus Christ. Man, you got to clean your shit up. You got to clean your whole house. What was filthy when I moved in, Dick? I don't even know who's vaugh. this is. Well, you should clean it up anyway. Give it a little taste and see if you can find out.

Johnny, I live in a crime scene, dude. I'm not cleaning up someone else's shit and vomit. You're like a naked gun character. He is the naked gun. Do you shower and stuff? Do you like take your clothes off and go in the shower? I have to go to my friend's house to shower. This place does not have hot water in my fucking broom closet of shower. They got a bust the hole through my wall and rip out a pipe that's probably been in there since the 1800s. Mur, I'm going to drive up there and take you to a self-carwash thing

and spray you down. Can we play the song at the car wash while we're doing that? Because I'll do it. That's a car wash. You're going to hose him down? I'll hose him down. I will fucking Michael Jackson moonwalk through that fucking car wash if you think Johnny's doing a bit.

No, I have to go up. You have to get up there. We've got to make this happen. You know, Merlogic is He's a national treasure He is a national treasure He's got a unique voice If Dick were a king

I'd be his jester Ah Well Maybe Maybe If I ever Pitched my services like that And someone gave me that response

I'd probably kill my son You're the only person You're the only person of my whole life I've ever talked to And not felt like All right I got to wrap this up And get out of here Yeah

Dick that makes genuinely smart. It's probably the first good thing I've heard in weeks. Well, you have to clean your room like Jordan Peterson says. Jordan Peterson max a little bit. You have to eat lobster, wash your balls, and clean your room, right? Listen, I'm going to

seal this room up with bricks. No human being will ever live in this room after I leave. This room is not fit for any kind of human comfort or joy. This is a room of suffering. Can you drive a car? No, I'm 33. Like, who has time to drive he's like fucking Gandhi meets mother Teresa over here

Johnny your whole bit was that you were going to drive here because I can't drive to L.A. And why would I? Because who drives to L.A.? Hey, do you use AI a lot? No, I've been heatering off of that lately. I feel bored. It's joyless.

It's like, you know how people will like jump from one drug to the next? Because they're not getting that rush. That's me with AI right now. Yeah. Yeah, because there's nobody on the other end, right? So everything you're generating, all the pornography isn't the same. There's only so many times where I have the AI prompt to tell me, and it's smug 1-0 binary voice. It's like, you know, I can't prompt that for you.

Why? I just can't. I will fucking shit. Yeah. Junk Food King says, ask you about your first time hiking. Oh, yeah. He was wanting me to tell that story forever. So it was St. Patrick's Day, right?

And a buddy who went over to me I love to Dix immediately laughing I didn't even start the story yet And a buddy who went over to me It's like hey Because you know what you do. Like there's probably some They're probably totally shit-based and you don't know why

You do things on holidays that landmark them in entirely different ways So my buddy went over to me and said Hey man you want to know what you do on fucking St. Patrick's Day I'm like what you go drinking We're going to go drinking get in the car So I got in this car, right? Went to a bar.

And the bar was filled to capacity with people who all have the same fucking mindset because they're all fucking NPCs. Well, I want to do the same thing on the same fucking day or alcoholism is very casualized. And the waiter went over to my guy. It's like, look, buddy, it's going to take

like two hours for people to empty out this bar. It's like, can't we just stand here and drink? It's like, no, you've got to wait two hours. I'm like, fuck it! So you want to me, he's like, what the fuck are we going to do to kill two hours? I'm like, well, you can wait two hours at a bar to start drinking?

The bar was filled to capacity. They're like, Like, we don't want to wait two hours, or he didn't want to wait two hours. Yeah, go to another bar. What the fuck do? So he went over to me. He was like, what do we do in the next two hours? I'm like, well, you know, the best way to build up a need to drink.

What do you mean their NPCs? You're there to drink too. What are you like? Well, he tracked. I didn't want to go drinking. He took me a long. It's like, it's St. Patrick State. You were morally obligated to drink.

I'm like, under whose jurisdiction? Mine. And we got on the car. We went to the bar. So we got to wait two hours. and then when we were told we had to wait two hours he was like, what do we do? He was like, look, the best cadence for what you got to do to build up a need

to drink is go on a hike. It's like, you want to spend the next two hours hiking so then we can go drinking. It's like, why not? Yeah. So, we got in the car. Go to a parking lot. Go to the store, get a six-pack, go in the parking lot.

Pop-off, I think it's like nine bucks. We got in the car. We got in the car. We went to the neighborhood park, and I forgot to stretch, and I pulled a muscle in my back, and I ate shit all the way down the hill and I rolled into a bunch of dutch shit and that's because you're fat

Snowball. Yeah, like fucking rolling down like a boulder. I catamari damasied my ass all the way down the fucking hill and I fell into the damn river and I got covered in duck shit. And he's like, you know what? I suddenly don't want to go drinking anymore

and we never went drinking and that's why I went to eat shit down. That's the time you need to be drinking. You got avian fecal matter on yourself and you didn't go immediately start drinking afterward? We had to wait two hours, and we only got like 10 minutes into the hike

and I ate shit down that hill, and he drove me home, and I never even knew if you went drinking. What kind of drinking area was it? You said park. Was it like a little children's park that you were? Okay, so there's this park, right? And it's filled with hiking trails.

It's filled with fucking geocaches and mountain lions and ducks. Oh, I've done that geocaching stuff. Yeah, okay. We've done that. Muggles. My friend A4 says, MIR, every time you walk up a small, all inclined. You have gravity

hit you immediately and you fall and you kill a bunch of people. You're like the boulder from Indiana Jones and I rolled down that hill and I ate shit all the way down and every time you go up a hill you fall down? I once had someone tell me it's like, Murr, I've seen you trip off of what presumably

look like the air around you and you fell down and ate shit like what the fuck. Man you are. That's like a fat Mexican women do that. If one of them falls over all of them fall over. Like a fat test. And despite that I'm still thinner than Vito. How much of you weigh 280

280 nice how tall are you 54 59 I think 59 okay Vito's pretty tall he's like 6 feet tall

he does not look tall Vito looks like 4 foot 11 no he's tall he's a big guy and he wears those hats that are like 3 inches even taller than that he's Doug Dimmigalman

Well you can't count that hat The hat adds the illusion of three extra inches It's like wearing platform shoes He's not the same Bad. Did you buy me as comic?

It's probably like, I don't know, 5-7. What? I'm six feet tall. Actually, I'm... Are you? Because I've only ever seen you sit down. I'm assuming like you're like 5'7 and Johnny's like 5'44. I stand up.

I'm taller than this. I am 5'4. That's correct. I'm very short. I should not be taller than Johnny. That makes me upset. My bitch doctor... I'm actually 53 and a half, but you know who's counting.

Do you have to sit on phone books when you drive, Johnny? I'm actually standing right now in the studio You can't tell Johnny's very tall Johnny's very tall Johnny's like 603 While we're doing the audio No Murr I'm actually 6 5

He's not in the writers guild He's in the lollipop guild Johnny is I represent the king even Do you represent the people of the lollipop guild Well if you don't eat them all yeah Just had a guy DM me just now It's like hey man are you available

for voice acting work tomorrow. Like, later I'm busy. Dude, that's why you live in a shit pit, man. You could be bawling out. You could be richer than all of us combined if you just said yes. What are you busy doing tomorrow? You can't do that. Well, right now I'm busy doing this.

I'll do it when I'm done with you guys. Okay. Get on that. Get on that. Call him. Be like, yeah, I'll voice out. I'll do it right now. Load it up.

Say hit it. Record it. Go. Yeah. Like Krusty. He wants me to voice a character. wants me to voice a character and his comic I'm like sure I'll do that

and a comic What is that? How much is he paying you? He's not paying me I'm doing it for free I'm doing for the experience No no no no no no no get paid You gotta get paid The one thing I learned from Mr. Shy City is get money Get money get paid

Fucking fucking Johnny you live in L.A. You understand the people in like the fucking actors And voice actors guild have like union rates Right I'm not in the union Yeah but you're already famous But that's how you get in the union too You gotta do the things Show you got hours

and then you get the insurance you got to get paid tell them 20 bucks 20 bucks see johnny you're like a talent scout you should bring me to where the talent is and I'll do it for them that's why

tell that guy 20 bucks tell that guy 20 bucks times 20 bucks yeah 20 bucks where does your mental math come in for this I'm like I don't have experience voice acting I'm literally I don't have audio equipment dude

tell them 40 bucks then I'm gonna look if you keep arguing it's going up that's that's how it works Murr, if someone comes to you, they're interested in purchasing a price. They want you. Yeah, $20. Tell them, $20. Run that rate up like a fucking taxi cab.

Johnny's describing me like I'm a fucking commodity that lives in a goddamn fucking shed. We're both describing you like a commodity. Yeah. You can get money, man. You get paid. You got to get paid. If it doesn't make dollars, it doesn't make sense. Have you heard that?

I am aware. Well, Johnny, you can be out of here, dude. We got to go out and do stuff. Send me. world. Send me a text file with a full script completed. No, it's not going to happen. Well, that's what I'm saying.

You have a Discord? I have dicks, but I don't have yours. I don't have Discord. My Twitter DMs have been working. I can't imagine. I'll message you. Hey, you got to tell that guy 20 bucks. Tell me who it is. I'll negotiate for you. All right. We'll take a 98% cut, but you'll get

20 bucks by then. There are people in your chat right now. It's like I will literally be MERS ghost writer for free. Yeah, but they're probably bullshitting. Who is this? It's saying that. Dr. Shockingballs. See, that's a jackoff.

That's a fucking jackoff. He's fucking full of shit. I'll find somebody good. You don't want a doctor shocking ball. I'm going to find you like the gold standard of ghost riders. And his job literally just be. You know, reasonable. The gold standard.

Yeah. The bronze dumpster standard of ghost riders who will literally tard wrangle you into making one tangible thing for Johnny to read. Yeah. But Dick brings up a good point. Someone who just churned shit out for a living and has no opinion on things whatsoever to like editorialize what you're saying, just

do what, you know, I truly believe there's a lot of gold there. We just need some... I know for a fact you want just a big book of murisms that you can just read on occasion and laugh when you're having a bad day. I will make you that book. David's like David Siddaris, but Skis

so, gooning David Siddharis. That's what, that's what you are. That's what I want. Yeah. You ever read David Siddharis? You know who that is? Literally, I didn't even know that person existed until just now. You materialized a person from the ether. Man, did not exist until you brought him up

by name. He's got short stories. They're not like yours. Yeah, short stories. Not short like Johnny. Right, I'm very short. But they're good. All right, Merrick. Do you have anything else to say? And then I'm going to go. I'm gonna get out of this destitute hellhole

and I will probably hopefully be in a better spot I am glad that you all found enjoyment in me I get nervous whenever I get on this show because I never know if people will find me annoying or not No people like you You're universally loved Yeah everyone likes you

The whole universe loves humor Johnny you need to visit me We need to do stuff You take you and see stuff See the world through my eyes Johnny I do want to see that I have a feeling it will be much like what I already see on my Instagram, but I'm still willing to see that. You know, DM me through Discord after we're done with today.

I will talk to you in private. Discords for fucking perverts and weirdos. Johnny's not going to be in there. Yeah, I can't use my Twitter DMs anymore. Something about an encryption code that I... Put in a code. Elon's been doing this dumb shit with the site where I tried to enter my DMs like, you have to... Huh?

You forgot your code. Put in one one-one. I never asked for a code. Well, put it in anyway. I used to just use my DMs for free. And then I'm like, I use a code now. I'm like, I'm not doing that. So my Twitter DM pretty much doesn't exist.

It's a figment of my imagination. Okay, but just put a one-one-one-one. Just try it. It's a fig Newton-min. All right. Get out of here, Mur. Thanks for calling in. Thank you, Mur.

All right. We're going to make it happen. All right. All right. Have a good Sunday. Good luck. Me too. Stay safe, diving.

All right. All right, goodbye. there he goes everybody there he goes off to the wild dumpster yonder man Christmas

St. Patrick's Day what holiday can't he caused some chaos on what was he going to be for Halloween backwards man backwards man

that's pretty good that's how you want that guy coming at you backwards you don't even want to come at you forwards he should be forwards

man that would be all right I have some comments What time is it? Oh, it's 2 o'clock shit All right It's probably about time to wrap it off the clock Yeah seriously

All right everybody Patreon.com slash the dick show Dick dot show See you next week We gotta do something from our logic We do man Put together his gallery I want to see that I want to see that gallery

The Flash Gids guys Did you see that? They did this game where they got $9 million on a Kickstarter? Good for them. Holy shit. We got to do Mur like mud man. The Kim Jones thing.

So what Kim Jones would do is he would cover himself full. He'd have his assistants cover him in like mud and sticks and like dog shit. Yeah. And then he did this bit where he walked from like Santa Monica to downtown and documented the whole thing. Okay.

And it was just like, disgusting and like awful and so on but then he started showing up to art galleries as mudman mud man and he would like rub his hands on people and they're like oh fuck mudman's here like god damn it yeah that's cool that is cool see everyone's like ooh kim jones great artist and he's like you guys want to meet mudman and they're like i don't want to meet mud man all right here we go It's fat season. Everybody listening, you are going to get fatter in the next six months. It's already cold.

You're already fat. It's time to lose 20 pounds now. You have to lose 20 pounds in October, or you will be fat forever. Yeah, he didn't know that. If you don't lose 20 pounds a lot, you're going to be fat. the rest of your life, you fucking scrub, I'll use that. Oh, no.

And release it. If I don't lose 20 pounds by the end of October, it's fucking fast season. I'm tired of it. We're all too fast. You're even too fat. If you don't lose it by November, you've got to post your penis

in the Dix Show Discord and on the Reddit. On the Reddit. Definitely on Reddit. I don't see it. I think he's still in the Discord actually. Vitao? His dad is dead, so he,

you know, he's doing weird shit. Lose weight, fatty. Yeah, Vito is in the Discord. He shows up in there, Hey, actually, as a public service announcement, I saw this in an OZempic commercial, and I feel like everyone should know this, but

in case, some of you guys get the bright idea to beat the system out there, don't be sharing OZempic needles. Yeah. I didn't realize that was a thing. Why would they do that? I don't know, but they apparently, O-Zempic... Men are doing that?

Women. I think it's women. Men just... It can't be to save money because they've never done that ever. Right. Not one woman has ever done that. Maybe it is all men then. Huh.

Sharing needles. Sharing Ozempic needles. Oh, God. We got to have this, we got to have these PSAs for Ozimic. Don't share needles. Don't share the 80s all over again. Give me a fucking break. Oh, look.

who it is, it's Aquaman. Three minutes, three minutes on. He maxed out. 257. Here we go. The sequel is never as good as the original, huh? Especially when they start getting self-aware and a few and cute shit.

But anyway, I don't exactly know where to start. I don't like women. In my last voicemail, remember I said, like, well, I'm in a bit of a better position than you because I have friends. I'd fucking deserve this for fucking fucking shit.

I kind of blew up that friendship. I don't exactly know where it is. I haven't heard from one of the girls jumping ahead there. Girls in a month now. Long story short. I was being kind of horny. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. This guy said long story short. What? It started in the middle. Oh shit. Wait a minute. He sent one in the 19. Oh shit.

He's already started on. Okay, well we're starting on this one. I guess we'll see the prequel. He's drowning. Afterward. All right. So a woman hasn't contacted him in a month.

And now he hates women. Man, I couldn't, I wouldn't even notice. I would only notice because I got more shit done. Who the fuck, what fucking woman would not have contacted me in a month that I would say, oh, wow, really? One of the girls and then the fatter one kind of circled wagons, you know, she's not interested, bro type of situation. Me and the skinnier one, we're like hanging out one on a little. one plenty, but then the larger one kind of took issue with that.

But then she's also all therapy talk, all kinds of like, dude, you know, I care about you. I want what's best for you, but like, da-da-da-da-da. Women cannot fucking discipline dogs, and then they fucking hate and resent their dogs for barking all day. Like if you could just say,

if you could do that, like once, you wouldn't have this fucking issue, but it's like, no, I feel bad. My dog barks on. I feel bad. I hail the societal. I'm getting off on a tangent, but like, you know, again, And she's reading, like, I don't know. If you're like, please don't do that, but you're a good boy here to treat. The dog doesn't know what's fucking in trouble.

So I had no fucking idea. I was in trouble. She kept saying like, you're the dog? You like hanging out with you. You're like yada, yada, yada. I didn't fucking know. So I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. And eventually that was it.

And she was just like, I'm taking a break from this. And I haven't heard from her in a fucking month. And I'm already a huge homosexual. All right. I'm in therapy. Fucking pause for remarks. But my therapist is a woman. Are you also autistic?

You didn't. pause for the remarks. You just kept talking right through the remarks. Fucking Robin Williams Jr. over here. You got to relax, man. This is a voicemail. This is a confessional line, I guess.

Aquaman, we're only a minute. You're not trying to save yourself from a gas chamber. You can drown in that too. Whatever, I fucking observed this shit. But I've been talking about this for like a month and it's just in therapy like, yeah, That's really hard. I understand because that's how fucking women are.

I mean, I guess I don't fucking know. It's just like the tail, the age old thing of like women just want to complain men actually want a fucking solution. Like, this sucks. I don't know what I did. Women want to get fucked for money. They want to find a guy they can fuck reliably for money, for security. If you're talking around and fucking and doing all this shit and waiting for a long time without fucking. her, it's over.

You're not satisfying her objective, which is finding a guy to fuck for security. Well, and that goes to the potential security. The deeper issue of women be shopping. Be shopping, man. She's not shopping in front of you,

then what are you doing? What are you doing? What do you want? What do you want? You got to decide. Wrong. It's like, yeah, I know, it can be difficult. Here's how to deal with being avoided.

Here's how you can redirect their energy. I fucking talked to my male friend He's not a part of this yesterday I just Do you ever refer to your friends as male friends? I don't even refer to them as friends Right yeah I just call them assholes

That's stupid assholes What are you doing tonight I'm gonna see Randy Friends I don't call him friends That's the last guy I want to see it Why don't you hang out with your friends this weekend What am I about homosexual?

What do you mean by that? What guy has friends? You fucking... Maybe I'll see my dad. What are you talking about? Yeah, there's only people you don't know, and then people who you fucking just bust their balls all day. Yeah.

There's no... They're non-threatening individuals. Yeah. These individuals are procuring to... Right. Yeah. But it's like... These guys aren't going to fuck up my shirt.

shit. You don't get friends in this world. You get someone who tells you you're always doing a bad job no matter what you do. Talk to my male friends about it. Hey, what the foo? Does he work in a mail room? Is he a mailman? Is this what the therapist says to talk?

His male friends? He's out making deliveries all fucking day? Is he like schoolhouse rock? This is my male friends. Schoolhouse fucking cocking now. Jesus Christ. Let's go. Let me hear this again.

For like a month. And it's just in therapy, like, yeah, that's really hard. I understand because that's how fucking women are. I mean, I'm talking about a fuck. You're talking about some fucking woman in therapy? To a woman? Of course she's going to agree with them. They just like, they just don't fucking matter.

Like, you get hung up on one. You didn't fuck her. Those are the worst ones, honestly. Once you, if you fucked her in your relationship, like, man, I actually don't, I mean, whatever, like, I don't, I'm sad that it ended, but at least I fucked her. you didn't fucker I get it that's the worst that's the worst got away that's the worst one that got away

but it'll happen again don't worry about it just go outside oh look at all these hot women I didn't fuck today oh man I'm gonna go cry to my therapist about it yeah Aquaman think about this right think about your current age and then think about the average male lifespan oh think about all the women you won't have fucked

and think about how many more years you're gonna be fucking disappointed so many it's going to be every fucking year of your life Are you putting all this work? That's what women do. They put work into relationships expecting something back. That's what you're doing. You should put all that work into making bridges, fucking porn sidewalks, fucking digging ditches even.

Playing Wow, playing World of Warcraft. Making a cool name on Wow, yeah. Yeah. Shit like that. Buying and selling magic cards. Do that. Even make avatars for black people on Second Life. Yeah.

That's work. Go to the ghetto and sell pineapples. soaked in Kool-Aid. What's a therapist? This is a problem that's been around for thousands of years. Like our emotional attachments outweigh our sex drives, and you can't fucking love everyone on the fucking planet. What's a therapist going to tell you about that,

like, about that dilemma, about that part of the human experience? It's just there. Just keep doing whatever you're doing, man. Should I just tell them the big secret? Go for it. You're not ugly. You're not fucking down-trotting. You're not fucking a failure.

You're not all these things. You're just broke. You're just broke. Like, go get some money. Nah, you could broke motherfuckers can fuck. He's just, look, if you're talking to a chick for a month, she wants to fuck you. That's it. She's leaving the door open.

But what I'm saying is he's searching for happiness in something he's never going to. A woman. No. That's not going to happen. Get your money up and everything else. Disney fucked up guys' brains. Disney just fucked everybody You fucked everyone's brains up

You gotta find a woman Why? Well you know Where else is all your hard work? The secret of life Isn't that pussy? Really is it? The secret of life is fucking

Fucking pussy A little bit reduct- That's a little bit reductivist I would say Right Uh okay I don't fucking know It's just like

Like the tail The age old thing of like Women just want to complain men actually want a fucking solution. Like, this sucks. I don't know what I did. Yeah, as long as the solution is sucking my dick, then that's the only solution I'm interested in.

Do something worth getting fucking, like. You got problems? I got a solution and involves this dick. I just want you to listen. I just want to get my dick sex. Do you know why Art Deco was invented? Why? So Arthur Deco himself.

It's the only reason art or anything cool. That's the solution I'm offering. Yeah. What fucking, what solution is there? What solution is there? For, um, what solution is there for, uh, uh, scarcity? You got a solution for that? Yeah, I'd love to hear it.

Of this dick. I'd love to hear a solution for, um, for, uh, chronic scarcity. You got one for that? Oh, no? Oh. Hmm. It sounded like you wanted, you were solution oriented, but here you, you were, you you are not having no solution. He got no, he got no solutions. He a man of many problems.

It's like, yeah, I know, it can be difficult. Here's how to deal with being avoided. Here's he can redirect their energy. I fucking talked to my male friends who's not a part of this yesterday. Like, I just said, hey, I'm feeling rough about this. I read him an excerpt of our text. And he was immediately like, oh, she just told you like three times in a row she's done talking about this and you just ignored it and kept talking about it. Like, I didn't realize that's what she was saying. or like, you know, hey, when you said Women don't want to talk about things. They want to talk.

They want to talk about things. But not about things. They just want to make noises. Right. You think the birds outside are having fucking conversations? Yeah, they're not so much conversations as they are just like arbitrary stems that happen to come out with senses. They're making sure that there's a constant noise.

So the wolf doesn't come out of nowhere and eat them. Right. It's like your boy in high school who can't repeat the whole song, so he just says, get my mind on my money, money on my mind all there. Money on my mind. Not the rest of the song, just that part. Yeah. Yeah.

She thought that you were trying to justify making a move on her skinning her friend. And it's like, no, that's not what I was fucking doing at all. But my fucking therapist is just like, you know, that's hard. Man friend fucking solved it. It's like, and I can fucking relax now. I mean, it still sucks that I haven't heard from them. but yeah I'm still happy now

bye okay fuck you okay that redeemed the whole call okay here's the prequel oh boy oh my goodness

hey Johnny fucking Aquaman calling back is he turned my own nickname that's fun I'm about a month behind because of the embarrassment but

fun to find out I got my own don't be embarrassed anyway not related to any of that previous show. What makes me rage this week is a vinyl record is

sped up like 5% like an imperceptively small amount. But for me like I can't even transpose a song into a different key. Like the song is those exact notes.

Oh, they speeded up into frequency that's off of 40. Inperceptively perceptible. That's interesting. I don't know. Whatever. When it's just a tiny bit faster,

it's like when you're drinking a fucking soda and it's like motherfucker, they change the formula. I can tell it's just different now. Like, it's not right. And it's like on a deep biological level. My, not even my day.

The rest of my fucking life is ruined. You have something weird going on. If you can tell, if you can tell frequencies. I cannot possibly explain that type. Why this makes me feel so work. It's possible. That's what makes me a rage

Yeah, that's possible, but that's Either you're lying, I would love to test it. No, it's a fact, because get this, as Aquaman, he's underwater dealing with sonar all day. It checks out, dude. Sounds slower underwater. It fucking checks out. So normal sounds to us, slightly imperceptible, but to him is a big difference. Someone's listening to fucking rolling stones of satisfaction a little bit.

Too fucking. And he comes up singing that. And then everyone thinks he's retarded because he can't sing. That's a huge, I get it, Akul, man. I was reading about how the pyramids were built. And apparently, they had a farmer labor force. It says here, much of the workforce consisted of local farmers. They constructed the pyramids during the annual Nile flood season when they couldn't farm their fields.

And they received payment of food supplies. and when I saw that, a light ball put it to my head. I'd be like, I know what we can do with all the fucking school teachers in the summer, right? And, and I live in a really cold city.

So in the winter, there's like, there's just tons of construction everywhere. The whole city is fucked. Right? So I was like, bro, like we need a hybrid class of worker that's a teacher in the winter.

and a construction worker in the summer. Sure. Right? And, yeah, that's what we do with all the construction workers in the winter, too. And, like, kids are always, like, fucking around in the summer. Yeah.

And the roads are always blocked in the winter. And I don't know, I feel like it would just solve so many issues. You want teachers to be building things. Yeah, I told this idea. Sometimes I made fun of me. They're, like, it's not practical. But, like, that's how you build pyramids.

Like, you need to be efficient. need to optimize. Like, you're kidding me? Like, kids get like four months of vacation. I'm like, I'm like a fully functioning... I'm like a fully functioning... I barely get like a month of vacation.

They're not working. This guy left us in meandering voicemail. This is my invention slash... That's a pretty good invention. Let me know what you think. I think it's dumb only because you can't... Like, those who can't do teach, right? So the last thing you want is a bunch of people

who can't do shit, building a giant thing. We got to have them running. They've got to run all summer. Run on a hamster wheel, yeah. Run on a hamster. Show up eight hours run. To power the pyramid, that's fine. That's fine.

That's fine. That's fine. That's good. You know what the worst part about Indians is other than everything. When you walk through like black people cooking, you know, damn, that smells good. When you walk through Mexicans cooking, you're like, damn, I want some fucking Mexican. When you walk through a cloud, a fucking garam masala and curry stench, all you. Indian food's great

fucking nose You just want to drown yourself That's true but Indian Washing those queens Their food Smells like shit Wherever you go Because man

There's a few spots out here That are fucking pretty fired I think you're eating diarrhea You're not sitting in the restroom Eating are you? Are you? Hey Dick Hey Johnny

Podcast property Holy Spirit is speaking through me I got something that's pissing me off I don't care about the penny. You want to get rid of it, whatever, but figure your surfing's out before you fucking start doing it. I went to a store to get a tallboy. It costs 404. I happen to have four cents in my pocket.

Weird. I gave them a five and four pennies. She gives me back 99 cents. I said, I gave you exact change. What's going on here? And she goes, oh, well, the system says 405. I said, well, the thing that I just saw said 404. So, anyway, that's just my little rage.

If you're going to eliminate the fucking penny, fine. I don't care, but do it properly. Make everything an even number of 5, 10, 15, whatever. Don't fucking do any increments anymore of the 1, 2, 3, 4s. Fuck off. Thank you, fuck you, you buy. Yeah, get rid of the penny. Mm-hmm.

Why not? Make it easier to buy a tall boy. Okay, last one. Hey Dick, hey Johnny Johnny Johnny you made me laugh my ass off at Flash Mud I don't even know how long ago now

But that shit is not fucking funny anymore Because I have been stricken With Flash Mud And I'm only fucking 23 I don't drink hardly at all What? Which is gay I know

But fuck I showed up to work yesterday And like As soon as I get to work I get out of my car as soon as I shut the door of like my ass once have like echolocation. As soon as I heard that sound

it's like release and it's like I was like oh mother- like a horse but thankfully I don't work in a fucking office so I'm like okay well as soon as I hit my first call I'll fucking run by the Dollar General well before I hit my first dollar go to the Dollar General

grab a new pair underwear somehow it didn't get through to the pants I don't fucking know how yeah right and then of course Dollar General doesn't have a little bit on the pants. A public bathroom. So I grabbed

fucking underwear and act body spray and get the fuck out of there and go to the truck stop. Oh, the truck stop will be good. They have like changing rooms for all the fucking

degenerating gay sex that are hanging around there. So I just go into the fucking changing room, which is in the regular ass bathroom and fucking get it all changed out. And I'm like,

oh shit, how am I going to dispose of this shitty ass underwear? I just leave it. Roker style. I'll throw them in the trash. I can leave it behind the toilet. But fuck, I don't want to do that.

So, fucking wait until there's nobody in the bathroom. I'm like, all right, I'll throw it in the trash can. It'll be good. There's nobody in there. As soon as I open the fucking door, two motherfuckers walk in, and I'm holding a pair of shitty fucking underwear.

We're in the trash inspection. We're from the trash inspection agency. Dude, don't fucking look at me like that. You motherfucker. You know what, you know exactly what's going on. You don't have to fucking look at me like that. Don't be a dick. dick. And then of course

fucking the only trash cans in the goddamn bathroom are in between the sink but you just like white shitting underwear like all near the fucking sink and then wash your hands and I ran the fuck out of that truck stop. I was a motherfucker.

But Dick, if you can give me a little advice on like when the flash mud arise how the fuck do you deal with that? I feel like I'm dealing with this too early and I don't know. It's a fucking problem. All right, smooches for Johnny Go fuck yourself

You gotta just like relax about throwing poop away Like nobody wants to poop Just throw it away It's not a big deal Well The advice you should be taking is When you're sliding into first And you feel some burst

You know you got a Diarrhea You fucking got the flash mud Dude D diarrhea What's second The second The second rhyme

sucks. Everyone knows the third in home. Right. Your pants are full of foam. Diarrhea. That's right. Yeah. Third is you feel a greasy turd. Diarrhea. Second. Nobody had a second. You know, the thing about shitting foam I've come to find is it always something about these cans, right? It's a can. It's a poison. It's a tin poisoning. It's plastic poisoning. It's plastic poisoning. It's like every time I drink a beer, I just shit a little foam.

Because of the plastic. I agree. Because of the liner. The liner. This guy needs to start drinking, I think. How do you shit your pants that bad without drinking? Right. Come on. Something weird's going on there.

He's getting fucked in the ass too much, probably. That's why he stopped at a truck stop. He was hoping another trucker would piss his asshole clean for him. Just relax. You don't have to hide. You don't have to hide in the bathroom. and like wait for all these fucking truckers what do you think they're going to do those guys pissing bottles

and shit their pants all day long what are you you're gonna be gonna go oh no he pooped yeah they're gonna fucking you're gonna take sitting in there hiding all day yeah you're gonna take judgment from someone whose diet is fucking tuna and slim jims fucking uh uh trans sex workers fuck cal trans sex workers boy did that name age well just walking out of there, man. Like, hey, everybody, don't worry about it. I'm just throwing away some shit.

Brag about it. Yeah. Be like, you want me to wash your windows with this? Something, be funny about it. Or just say you had gastric bypass and, you know, you ate something you should have and shouldn't have. And I shit in my pants. I pooped in my pants. It didn't get in my pants.

It only got in my underpants in case anyone's wondering. Dude, that Al Roker clip is still one of, like... What is that? What are you talking about? You know where he shits his pants in the White House? And he goes on like to today's show to talk about it. No, he shit his pants in the White House? Because of Olestra?

No, because he had like a gastrop bypass. And he's like, well, you know, I was walking around in the White House and ate something I shouldn't have. And I'm pooping my pants. And it's like, bro, why you, and he talks about how he bawled his underwear up and just threw him away. That's a big underwear. That's a bad, yeah. How big was the fucking trash can? But it was like...

Dumpster. Why would you go on the news and tell people you shit your pants? Because he suits straight. Al Roker's just honest. He's shooting a little too much if he's shitting his pants. All right, goodbye, everybody. That's it. Later. If we turn into the Vito show, we're talking about how to poop right. Straighten up and shit, though.

Yeah. It's at the end. All right, goodbye. See ya.