The Dick Show - Episode 527 - Dick on Fat Ghosts

Episode Date: October 15, 2026

A Halloween wreath, Raffi hidden songs, a Bob Ross apology, man vs. tiger, some ethnic-theme ghosts, a Lena Dunham jump scare, Down Syndrome Halloween books for kids, mistaken identity on the plane, frat parties are canceled, and the Breaking Bad guy kills himself; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

What is that? The banana phone is a song? Yeah. What are you talking about? By Rafi. You never heard banana phone? No. I've heard a shitload of rap.

You telling me there's unheard raffy for me? He's not even, well, for you, yes. Man. Dude, banana phone is like, that's a heater. I'm a fucking Rafi. Oh, gee, dude.

I was singing that, I've been singing that shit my whole life. Same. Actually. I got to ride in a shopping card, in a shopping card in the supermarket. I feel as tall as a grown-up. I sing that shit when I'm hung over. I sing that shit when I'm jacking off. I sing that shit, man. You're telling me there's more Rafi I haven't heard of. Get the

fuck out of here. Dude, down by the bay, classic. Down by the bay. And it really separates the dumb fucks from down by the bay. Yeah. Did I hit start stream? Probably not. Hold on. Let me hold on a minute. I'm not missing a second of the day. I'm not missing a second of the bay. this. Hold on just one second. I think I'm going to have a fucking heart attack right now. I'm not even joking. Something's wrong with my arm. Oh shit. Something's wrong

with my fucking arm. And it's where the fuck is this drive so I can put this shit in the right place. And then I'll have the heart attack, no problem. I really think it is. A heart attack? I think it's heart attack time, man. It's my time. It's my time.

Wait, can you hear that? Yes. Okay, I got to turn it off then. because with Rafi down by the bay people start panicking they can't rhyme shit they fuck up the meter that's when you can really go forever

and show people how much of this how long you could be down by the bay where the watermelons grow is that where they grow I don't think they do back to my home you know I dare not go

because my fat mom yeah she likes to say she'd eat all the watermelons down by the bay I can't think of a rhyme Oops, too much whiskey in that. I'm just going to start it there. I need a second to think.

Is it because I'm sleeping on my arm? Or am I having a fucking cardiac event? That's what I want to know. Can somebody tell me? Time is a factor. Yeah! Welcome to Dick. You want Dick, you need Dick.

You love Dick. You got it. It's a show where everything is a contest. coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure. I'm your host, Dick Masterson, aka the $20 million man. Joining me is Johnny the audio engineer, who also has been down by the bay all day. Where the watermelons grow. What the fuck about the raffy that were you talking about?

What about the raffy? The banana phone. What's that about? It's a cellular, modular, interactive modular, fucking ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, right. It's a banana, yeah. It grows in bunches. I've got my hunches. What?

It's the best. beats the rest. Now that's, that reeks of Rafi, what you're saying? That shit that you're saying right now reeks of Rafi. Yeah, that's him all day. Well, what am I... I feel like Amazon is fucking me over. Amazon music is somehow fucking me up, my listening tastes.

I used to feel like I listened to all kinds of stuff, and now I only hear like six things. Yeah. Like something happened, you know? Is that air conditioner on behind you? It is. God damn it. I'm gonna fucking lose it. I'm gonna fucking lose it. Fucking lose it, man.

Nobody has it harder than me. Nobody, truly. Here I am in the basement. Probably eyeball to eyeball with the shit pit. I'm probably looking right at the meniscus of the shit. I signed a contract for those guys who discovered the shit pit. They said, we'll send you a docu sign so we can start digging up all your shit in your yard and your wires and stuff. Will your neighbor's mind?

Like, I don't care. I'm the house with the trash in front of it. You know my fucking neighbor said to my wife? They didn't say this to me. They wouldn't say it, yeah. My wife was putting up Halloween decorations. By the way, did you like the Halloween decorations? One of them.

There was missing one. What are you talking about? Missing one. There's only two ghosts, dude. There's only supposed to be two ghosts. Not a third ghost? It's not a ghost family. That's morbid.

The ghosts don't represent us. It's like a homeboy ghost and a little fat tortoise. You can't see how fat she is. No, you got to make it morose, dude. I'm going to put little hoop earrings on the other one. They're from Amazon. You got to get just an empty nitrous tank for one of the ghosts. I'm going to put a bunch of nitrous, and I'm going to put,

this is going to be your ass, you nitrous N-words. You're going to be a ghost, yeah. You're going to be a ghost if I catch you, you fuckers. You fuckers. And I put a bunch of printouts of cars driving off cliffs under that. Toots style, yeah. Do you like my Halloween decorations? They're great.

There's two ghosts. You know my favorite part of the Halloween decorations are? Halloween wreath. I said, honey, it's a pretty good one. It's a little early for Christmas, isn't it? She goes, no, it's a Halloween wreath. It's a Halloween wreath.

I said, oh. So we, so Thanksgiving comes around, we swap it out for the Christmas wreath, or do we have to, like, do we have to leave a couple days between reiths? How much of the year is a wreath going to be hanging on the front door? I like it.

Here's the problem, Dick. You bring it up is it used to just be, oh, it's Christmas, put up a wreath. Yeah. Somehow, discoveries were made where they're like, you could have one in spring. Spring wreaths.

You could have one for fall. You could have a summer wreath, like, seashell. I think that happened to my dad. I think he's got a wreath up all year around because then these like boosters, like sports, you know, white kids when they're in sports,

they go around like selling wreaths and cookies like black kids sell candy bars you know can you send my can you send my can you send my hockey team to the playoffs you know how yeah yo cracker can you send my hockey team to the playoffs right man that's what they're that's what they like i'll never forget dude when i lived in san diego i was in the store saw this kid run out with a couple boxes of candy bars oh yeah and in the parking lot as i'm walking back from my car he goes do you want to buy some candy Man, you got to send my hockey team to playoffs, man. Come on, man. I was like, I watched you run off with those.

Like, give me them for free. Like, what the fuck? I'm going to rat you out, you little piece of shit. You're going to belong. You're going to turn into one of my Halloween decorations. Yeah, that's it. You're becoming a ghost in my collection. They're not even ironed.

She didn't iron the sheets of the ghosts? No, that's what I said. I said, don't you dare iron that shit? I want people to think about the Charlottesville Nazi flag creases when they're driving by. Mm-hmm. Should have just been pillowcases over the ghost's sides. That's what it would have denoted. Then she said, don't put the mouth.

It has eyes, right? It has eyes on them. But no mouths. You stick on? It came with mouths. And I was, like, getting ready to put the mouths on. So what are you talking about? It's like it looks gay.

What are you talking about? The whole thing. You're saying Super Mario World is gay? Because those ghosts have got mouths on them. What do you... Because ghosts don't have mouths on them. I pick up a book that's at my foot. It's got a big ghost with a mouth on it.

I said, what the fuck do you call this? Neighbors gave my son a book, a Halloween book, to scare you. It's got... It should say on the front, Retarded Kid on every page. Because there is. And they flipped it. They flipped a picture.

So it's like, retarded kid. And then it's like, oh, retarded kid coming at you this way. retarded kid over here I don't know where you I don't know where you shop to get all these retarded kids books but there is it's really like just

they're everywhere you can't get you can't get anything for your kid that doesn't have a retarded kid in it and then he's looking at it like it's a misprint I'm like well it's kind of is like God's misprint it's like

wow this one's spooky this one's got eyes coming out every which way oh say watch tower on the back by any chance. Dude, it's every single one. I don't know why they needed to flip the...

Like, one is enough. The second one was a surprise. It's like, oh, you got me with the first retarded kid. Now there's a second retarded kid. Now I'm spooked. Now, because I'm like questioning my sanity, you know? Like, I'm like in a... I'm like questioning my sanity.

I'm going like, wait, what? Did I just... Was that another retarded kid? wait a minute and I don't want to go back like the book is tricking me right you don't you gotta like cartoonishly rub your eyes

was that a and my son's like dadda what's wrong dadda the chromosome there's a monster all over this book there's monsters all over this book creeping around don't you see it

yeah there's no dadda that's in every book I said ah yeah not every movie should be the goonies with sloth as every character. Dude. It's like, I don't want to think

about retarded people this much. If you don't want to, if you don't like thinking about retarded people, don't have a kid. Because... I mean, the kids basically... The Gerber baby's now retarded.

Like the, oh, you open up, kid cereal, retarded. You put their clothes on. Fucking picture of a retarded dinosaur in the back. It's like one in every pack. Like, oh, let's check out this package of a bath toys.

a bunch of sea creatures and I pull it out here's the octopus oh it's retarded octopus is like there's one that's like with his eyes all fucked up like sloth

all the toys look like they've been pushed in a little bit it makes me not even upset about how many black kids there are which is crazy you know the gold goes to really get shifted that far they fucking cut and pasted the black kid too

but I don't even notice because they did they cut and they didn't swap them they just copied and paste the black kid, but they copied and flipped horizontally. They did a horizontal flip on the retarded kid. Man. Slapped him in.

Snuck him in. Come on, man. That's... I'm going to slap a little ghost sticker on this kid dead. Well, because it used to be like you would see the, like, the retarded guy in like a movie or so. Like, that was the whole point of watching Elephant, man, right? Breaking Bad. Here we go.

Now we're talking about the Breaking Bad story. Yeah, go ahead. Well, you finally see him and you're like, Jesus Christ. Like, but, you know, you build up to that point. When it's just everyone's retarded, it's like kind of horrifying and like a weird life. I've seen more retarded kids in the last, in the school books than I've ever seen in real life. Right. Ever.

Like, I've accused more people of being retarded than everything we're seeing now. How about that? How about that breaking bad guy killed himself? Oh, man. Oh, she. That breaking bad guy? You know, he was all messed up. I've like briefly saw something about it, but...

He had some, uh, I don't know. That happened. I'm like, you know, all right. Kind of. I get that one. Yeah. And then I found out that, um, his, like, he had this business manager that, like, was faking, paying taxes.

Faking paying taxes. So the business manager would, like, cut a check, right? To the IRS. And then would just keep the money. take it and then tell him like yeah I paid the taxes and she did that the whole time and kept all the money and then he's still on the hook for the taxes and I'm like why isn't why why is why is the government raping this poor cripple kid why do they let his manager abscond off to Israel or wherever you know wherever she came from or went to why isn't the why isn't the government hunting this bitch down

If you think they could do one fucking thing It's just at least just right off the taxes Like you tried your best You know what you're all fucked up Maybe you just don't pay taxes Maybe it's okay for you You're not faking right We get a couple of these every year

Not everybody who's disabled But at least you Right right Because you're famous You'd say if you were faking A lot of people are gonna Women you can't tell if they're retarded or not A lot of guys would be faking it

You know, Somalians, they're all retarded No matter how hard they're trying. Have you seen all the videos of Stevie Wonder faking it? Yeah, he sees shapes, right? Well, because like... Or does he see everything? I think, I don't know. He probably just sees shapes, but there's, like,

videos of him, like, someone walks by and, like, a mic stand falls, and he, like, reaches out and grabs it and shh. Maybe he just does that. The grabber, yeah, and grabs. He's the Appalachian Grabber, dude. But everybody's, like, oh, it's so sad, but why was why did the government rape him like that?

Why was that necessary? They should have had her on the hook and then like... Yeah, shoot her. Track her down. Hang her. Make a big spectacle out of it. At least. Where's Walter White?

Why isn't his ass writing a check for this poor kid? It's, every time they cast like a dwarf or a little person or like a retarder guy or something, I think, I think like, isn't this kind of like setting a mom? for disappointment. Yeah. Like, did you have, isn't it? I know it's nice and all. And I guess you can't have like a regular person,

like with shoes taped on their knees walking around, pretending to be a midget or going like, you know, like Mickey Rooneying it up. Like, oh, daddy, you sell meth, you know? Like breakfast is Tiffany's style? Right. But isn't this kind of still not right? Like, maybe it's not.

bad but sometimes a little bit good is is worse this isn't bad what you're doing but sometimes not enough good is is worse and I think that this is well because you got to think it's a great investment too because if you get this retarded guy to make a shit ton of money yeah it's getting all that back in the end anyway yeah they sure are so it's like they're like yeah actually make everyone retarded because then we'll just get everybody's fucking money Here's a jump scare for you You ready for a good jump scare? Oh shit

Here's a jump scare This is I don't want to spoil it for you It says guess who's back If it's Eminem I'm gonna be pissed Watch this watch this Oh geez Guess who's back

Back again Hashtag Girls created by and starring Lena Dunham We'll return to HBO Max look at the size of this bitch now she is maximum HBO max I'm HBO maxing

yeah pounding it pounding down the calories are these are benwa balls for an elephant she's wearing it's not Marty Grabeads you think those are glasses frames but those are actually thinly cut culverts how are they going to do a season of girls

with this with like it's going to look like Star Trek or Star Wars you You know? I was going to be sitting there. Well, she heard season and assumed lemon pepper was involved somewhere. A new season?

Like cool ranch? Oh, I'm on board. Coolest ranch? Cooler ranch? Tastes like the slop inside of a cooler. You just dump it in your mouth, you tub of shit. Look, I mean, just like, frightening.

I don't have the audio on. Let me listen to the audio. See, it's this beautiful, beautiful woman sitting here, in her nails, thinking about herself somehow, and then watch this. I love the camera shake, too.

Yeah. Because she's so fat. Terrifying. That's a little spooky, a little spooky clip for you. Scared the shit out of me. I got my fridge. Finally.

What day did it finally? fucking Friday, dude. It took a week and a half. Wait, that Friday or then Friday after next? The Friday after it was supposed to... I was supposed to get it. I kept getting delayed. Finally, we just gave up.

I'm like, just go to my parents' house. I'm not getting any more ice. I'm not getting any more fucking ice. Did I tell you the sign that said free ice that I saw in the last day? I got to download the app at the Mexican store. What a cruel joke. I'm not downloading that fucking...

App. But you connect. App to a Mexican store? I don't think so. That's going straight. Straight on the dark web. Yeah. My phone would go bloop, sucked out.

It would leak out the bottom. Bloop. Spray it down like a spike. Can you imagine? Now I want to see what's on that app, though. Probably like a picture of all the coupons. Probably, it's probably, their app is probably just a video of a guy, of a lady, flipping through their coupon pamphlet.

Like, Aki? here? Here? There used to be this taco shop by Joe, too, that took a picture of their menu and put it as their website, but then still put text over the top,

and it was just like... That's cool. Dude, it was... W. ADA compliant. It was definitely, like, if you didn't have a disability beforehand, you got one looking at it because it was just like,

what the fuck am I looking at? It took forever. The guys even Guys dropping it off Two Cholos using the N-word You know Cool guys Cool guys, yeah

Like you've been You've been waiting for it You've been out without a fridge for a week and a half Oh no Yeah yeah So let's go get it in here Right How many beers did it take

And then my wife Comes back from the store And like oh god I don't even want to know how much this cost To restock the entire fridge Fuck Yeah Do you have

day for me was stuff expiring and it going like, you know, I felt like Super Smash Brothers. It's like, minus $40 of deli meat, minus $30 of frozen shrimp. It's heartbreaking, dude. So it looks all nice. Somebody keeps texting me. Looks all nice and everyone goes to bed.

and then I hear I hear what sounds like somebody pissing down the wall I'm like oh man and then like this sound you gotta be fucking kidding me man

the new one too so it's busted where the like the filter plastics pulled off and all that shit I don't know and no

but the whole the whole front door is the plastic film ready to be peeled off, right? And I was just about to do it when I heard the... And I'm like, I'm not gonna... No, they'll make me keep it or something like that. I gotta try to trade this in. I'm just gonna sit with it for a while, though.

I don't care. But you can't hear the TV over it. No. It's like they went back in time. Dude, and it's got like... It's got like a smart ice dispenser. but it doesn't work, you touch it. It's like a gas station, like, picker.

Like, you know, the screen at the gas station, you got to break your finger on to change it. Same thing here. The guys are like, yo, they're moving my fridge out. They're like, oh, wow, this thing's heavy. That's how you know it's a good fridge. And then the other one comes in just by himself carrying the new fridge. Like, oh, okay.

I guess it's not good then. You get the magazine sale fridge? Hmm Mm-hmm Conell Cornell canceled all their frat parties Huh They banned them

So the The feminist win I was gonna say Budget cuts are affecting us all, man Yeah We can't even afford to rape Anymore Con are the days

Con are the days Not even rape is free They win They killed everyone's fun all the sexy fun people have to stay home twiddle their dicks rape each other

yeah I guess dude speaking of rape did you see the canter's fucking deli bill this month wait what canner's deli bill the um

so they're I guess their power bill this month was like 36 grand I was like holy shit I love hearing power bills Oh, dude, Powerbills, man. They got me, and I was

fucking at work, well, I was like, you gotta be fucking shit. It doesn't even matter how much you use. It doesn't matter. It just charge you for the whole block and cut it like into thirds or whatever. Yeah, and then, but per person. They're like, okay, you get a third of this. You get a third. You get a third. There's 40 of you.

Yeah. You each pay a third of this. And it's like, holy shit, man. But seeing that, I was like, dude, for fucking canters. That's not even that big of a place. I love it because I get the solar now. Right. So I'm like, man, I hope that

your power bill fucking kills you. That would be great. Please somebody It's just... It's shit because of your power bill. When solar came around, right, I was like, this is a fucking scam. And it totally is. The way they did it, especially, how they

signed... All the rebates and stuff. Like, oh, okay. When I start hearing those words, I'm like, somehow my wallet is taking... He's tanking some damage today. it doesn't work then. Is that how is that what you're telling me? But as time went on, I feel like the panels and shit

did get a little bit better. Yeah, they're black now. They're sleek now. They're not the fucking dark purple that... They're not that janky like silver. Aluminum foil shit. Right. Look stupid. But man. Blue. They don't look like the calculator. The

thing now. They look cool. They look like the new Robocop. Yeah, because they did look like that little fucking four panel grid or whatever the fuck. it was just like really like yeah copying pasting a fuck pen of these let me shut this off

but yeah no solar is these days it seems you had to have gotten in early you're fucked now it's too late I'm just gonna keep jack at the prices up dude and it's like you get in now and solar it's probably like 50 grand

batteries and all that shit included I mean I don't know offhand I don't have a battery I didn't get a battery dude that's where I figured I could just get one later, you know, screwed into the wall or something.

Get one extra battery on top of it, dude? Fucking... Power the whole fucking block. AC at 65 year round. So my neighbor said to my wife, she was setting up her... She was setting up her ghosts. She got one cholo that has a little beanie on.

And the other one's like a fat bitch. Was previously a fat bitch. I'm gonna put a hulu hoop in it. So it looks. like the tortas. Put an exercise ball in it. Oh yeah, I have one of those, I think. Put it in air.

And I'll write fat bitch. Yeah. No, O Zimpic. Like Indiana Jones 3. No, O Zimpic, you know? And then all the fat tricks would be like, oh. Tortta! Tortta!

The fat people on planes are just getting... So the neighbor says, like, oh, I really like your Halloween decorations. Are you going to incorporate the tire as part of them? Because there's been this, been this, tire-shaped thing, plastic thing in front of our house for like, I don't know, I don't want to say a year and a half, but it's probably been about a year and a half.

I stopped seeing it. You know what I'm talking about. It's the base of a viper bag that Keon said he wanted. So I've been saving it. But now it's like full of black widows or brown widows. All the more reason to give it to them. Here you go. There's always one hiding in there.

Now there's a whole colony of them. He's like, how'd you get the sand in there? Because it weighs like 300 pounds now, because I fill it up with sand. You know? But the sand doesn't fit. He's like, I thought you thought you were supposed to put water in there. Like, well, I didn't.

I put sand. He goes, how? I cut the side. I cut it up and put sand in there. I don't know. How do you get sand into anything? Cut the shit open. worked

it's heavy as it hasn't moved in 10 years solid as shit that's what I mean I've walked past it so many times I don't even like perceive it now that I know

everybody knows it's me because I was just gonna roll it down the hill you know get rid of it but now I guess everybody knows it's me can't do that man I saw some old fuck come hauling ass on his bike

and give me a dirty look around one of the corners that fuck if you see that guy hit him with two lights on him I don't know No. I've never seen him at night.

Okay. What kind of bike was it? An e-bike? Big tires? No, smaller. Okay, never mind. He was an old guy. I don't know anything about him. He came hauling ass and then was like, oh, I got shitty at me because, you know, there's like half a car length of road or car width of road around. Yeah. And so he comes around that last corner before getting to your street.

And now, with a slight incline, he's huffing and puffing and I'm like idling behind him. Like, hey, asshole, could you like go on the fucking sidewalk? Fuck out of the way. Like, yeah. And then I got and parked, took a sack, got all my shit. And then as I opened my door, he finally gets past it and gives me another dirty look. And I'm like, man, get your ass fucking on. Like, get out of here.

You got to throw a blue shell at him. I was going to. I was going to start my car back up and just fold them over. Um, I was on a plane this week. And, um, I had to sit next to this fat woman. aren't they all you know it's really like a it's really a big

it's really a big problem they gotta they've got to stop they've got to stop they can't dude they got to stop plonking us down next to these tubs of shit whoever I know they say it's like well it's automatically

assigned but I know someone someone with our dream job is sitting back there putting people next to fat bitches There's got to be an AI Fat, fat, fat, you know That piles them all together Because they could be along together And just sit with their arms sticking forward

The problem is the randomization It's like randomly You're gonna get at least one fat fuck next to you So this woman comes over I'm sitting there, I'm squished About to take off This woman goes, you want to switch with me? I'm up in, I said, yeah, you got it.

Stop right there. I'm out of here And I pick all my stuff up Trundle up there like fucking Jacob Marley Dragging on my cables You know Because I gotta be real charged up for the whole flight

Fuck yeah dude Free power coming out of this I'm not wasting this shit I didn't even charge up at home Because I knew there was going to be power on the airplane Uh So I'm just sitting there fucking You know

Enjoying my free snacks up in Business class or whatever Watching obsession Watching two movies at the same time through people's things. And this airline lady comes up to me and says Oh, she looks at her chart

And then she goes, Um, C-C-Divine? And I said, yeah, that's right. I pulled my headphones off and said, yeah, yeah. She goes, oh, okay, I just wanted to thank you. I want to come by and thank all of our Diamond members for your loyalty

and ask if there's anything to do I could do to make your flight better and I said no that's all right thank you thanks for it saying something could you kick this fat bitch out of the plane this fat bitch there's smuggling a bomb in her tits

in the back in economy don't ask me how I know this fat bitch in 44G said she's I heard her tits ticking I'm pretty sure there's a detonating device hidden under the fat of her tits. One of her, I don't know

if it's her main tit. Her third tit, perhaps. Dude, the, yeah, that's me. C.C. Divine? Yeah, that's right. The look on her face. He's like, uh, okay. That's fucking good, dude.

Hmm. Have you seen that movie obsession? No. I try not to watch movies. It's a good movie. I know. It's not Koy Slop. It's good. It's about what happens if a woman dates a nice guy. That's basically the movie. Terrify.

Yeah. Scary stuff. Scary, scary stuff. Okay. Here I have attention young men, this one's called. Some fat retard decided to go show off. Show off for who knows. Who knows who this was directed to.

too. This is the post. This was the big post of the week. Jesus, that's a lot of words. 30 million views, something like that. It says, attention, young men. Here's what this guy looks like. Let's get a good mental.

There. What do you think? What do you think he knows about? Maybe maybe Excel. He could probably show you some stuff in Excel that you don't know about. Maybe he knows something about sales.

Not high, you know, not high pressure sales, but like, you know, paper sales and stuff like that. Soupy sales, yeah. Probably knows something about soupy sales. Okay. This guy looks like an aspiring youth pastor. Yes, that is a, he absolutely does look like that. Oh, no, I went back.

I got another jump scare! I'm going down my shirt a little bit, Jesus. We're going as trailer park boys, the three of us for Halloween. Cool. 80's girl, she hates it and she fucking hates it. I said, every fucking year, I have done whatever you want.

So I'm getting mine this year and you have to be bubbles. You're just going to Leahy Max all day? The dog's going as Leahy. Cool. It says, attention, young men. I am surrounded by 20-year-old girls in my life

that are smart, capable, hardworking, and cute. nobody's dating them. Not sure what the deal is, but I don't get it. Step one, stop playing video games. Step two. Head to great clips and get that lettuce cleaned up. Step three, hit a shower when dating hygiene is critical. This is dating advice for young men. Step four, go clean your car.

Step five, sign up for a yoga class. Step six, go to the yoga class. That's like That's like a two steps and one kind of dude That's like Or one step broken into two I feel like That's just being pedantic at that point, right?

Yeah, I think it is See, and then you got to see Then the important part I believe that he's used to talking to women If this is how he talks to people Yeah Yeah, I'm sure you got a lot of young women around you If this is how you think you should get a point across

Because they're stupid sign up uh go to the yoga class step seven ask a cute ask a cute for her phone number at a yoga class yes you can meet girls iRL and not just on the apps 10 out of 10 the dirt dog highly recommends step eight follow up within two days with a phone call and ask them out for this coming weekend friday or saturday night step nine important come up with a good game plan for a date night get a dinner reservation get an activity planned let them know in advance what you were doing so they can dress appropriately. I know you are gonna roll off the couch

and head to date night, but they are not. They are gonna stress about what to wear and call at least six different people on FaceTime to ask their opinion. Can you... It's like totally detached from reality and deranged.

This is like a... The script to like Greece 2? Yeah. She's gonna be so... This imaginary... So first of all, he's imagining fucking like the young women he knows. Like he's talking specifically about like a handful

of 20 year old women that he probably employs over men. And that he, this is the only way he can fuck them is by telling this fanfic about how he would date them. The idea that they're, that they're calling friends on

FaceTime to prepare for a date with some regular person from like the 80s or 90s and that they're not wrapping up on OnlyFes or talking to a bunch of guys on Instagram who are going to fly them to Dubai to shit in their mouth.

That's who they're talking to on FaceTime before your date. They're not stressing over what to wear to the sock hop. To impress some fucking schmo from the garage. From yoga class. Oh, this guy just came into yoga class, you know, our safe space

and started swinging his dick around, asking women out. What do you do if the first one doesn't work? You just go one by one and ask them out? It's some kind of boomer disease. He's got like a boomer leprosy. And it's getting worse. This is like a Gen X kind of I told you so.

That is more obnoxious than the boomers. Because at least the boomers know that they got fucked. They're getting all uppity about Social Security this week. Or they're like, you just pay in. Just like, we paid in. Like, well, you know, yeah, like, I would do that except you morons dumped 100 million foreigners on our heads. Yeah.

So me paying in doesn't really affect, first of all, me paying in never affected you getting any money at all. But if it did, it just doesn't, it doesn't split that far now. There's going to be 30 people that need me to pay in for one of me. So you're not going to get jack shit. I know you guys aren't like great at math or computers or like, you know, time-dependent states of uh

of uh of uh of consequences um but that's like the math of it doesn't matter if it was one to one if I was supporting one boomer fine pay pay in sure no problem right I would sponsor a boomer for 25 cents a day or something I'd show up at his house

lick this dog shit off my shoes I stepped in it on the way over so you know it's fresh don't worry it's not old dog shit I would never do that to you I would never do that to you Gary you know Yeah. This is fresh dog shit. It's better fresh.

Don't pretend like it's not. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. It's what every boomer would have wanted, man. Fresh dog shit. Mow my lawn, you fucking... You guys love mowing lawns so much.

You never shut the fuck up about the lawns you mowed for 15 cents. Go mow mine for 15 cents. Then you get your social security. I think that was back before, lawns were filled with like rocks and shit all the time too. Yeah. You know their social security goes up with inflation? What the fuck? Automatically?

Automatically, cost of living adjustment, automatic. Two to three percent or something like that. Sometimes more. Sometimes way more. Damn. Yeah. We should get on that. What other fucking... I should get on that. What other fucking anything does that?

Not a goddamn thing. Maybe government employees, they probably do too. Probably the most fucked up things do that. Fuck. Oh yeah, anyway, what was I saying? Let them know in advance six different people on FaceTime to ask their opinion.

Step 10, I highly recommend you bring flowers to the doorstep. What the fuck are you talking about, man? Show up looking like a fucking psychopath. Your stalking girls in yoga class showing up with flowers and your dick in your hand? You might as well be holding a giant dildo if you show up with flowers.

Hide one in the bouquet even. Yeah. Do these flowers make you think of my dick? Oh, hmm, they're supposed to. And then fling them over. You know, open them all up and have the... Piss on them. Yeah.

Right on the doorstep. Who the fuck is showing up with flowers? What a fucking weirdo. Again, that's boomer shit, though. They're like, well, you gotta, like, you have to take all this initiative and do all these things. And it's like... People call in all the time with all the initiative they take.

They got all the initiative in the world. But there's their fucking... retarded and antisocial. Like, that I get it. Because women have been broken. Women have been totally broken and ruined by social media. Exposing them to, exposing them to their highest stress environment. It's like, uh, women are like a tiger at the zoo.

Like it's all cramped. There's nowhere to hide. It's freaking out like constantly. And you throw a retard in there. Just bites it in half. That's women with cell phones and TV. They're constantly getting, they have no ability,

they have no ability to filter what's important information and what is worthless information. And you can tell when they talk to you. It's just information. What time do I need to be ready? Well, see, it takes an hour to get there and I told Becky, you remember her, right?

I told her we would be there in time for, and already you're like, oh, that's what's going on in your brain all the time. That's what being around, that's what your system is built is not built to filter like I'm annoyed all right if I watch the news I'm like

I'm annoyed that they're not getting the point of this story Give me the bullet points Yeah one Give me a bullet point Even if it just says Shit bad Cool shit's bad

Uh Women want men to date them They do not You don't need to break the bank on flowers Head to Trader Joe's What the fuck? Straight man Do you think like a fat woman was writing this?

Man, it might as well have been. Because it's like Who the fuck gets flowers from Trader Joe's? I didn't even know they sold flowers. What a recommendation of all places to go like Go buy flowers from heroin. spend like a whole rack on it i got some flower boxes from the store down the street from the mexican store and i made infinity shoes with them because my other the other cardboard i had wasn't

big enough damn that's pretty smart huh that's the rose boxes they're long enough for infinity shoes well and they're like they're like laminated they got like a little more a little more yeah a little more yeah look at fucking infinity shoes deluxe over here Man, they were great, but these girl threw them away for some reason. What the fuck? I know. She didn't know they were your prized shoes?

I gotta make some new ones. Wrap the two flowers into one bouquet with paper. Bonus points, if you cut open a T-T, a Trader Joe's bag and use that as the paper. Step 11, be a gentleman on the date. She isn't there to hear your life story. Ask her about her. Oh, yeah.

Women love that. They love being prompted to tell, endless stories about, you know, anything. Tell me about you. I don't know. You know what women really love to talk about? Whenever you're talking. As soon as you get on something,

then they go da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. If you touch that computer, immediate. Look at your phone. It can be silent all day. The second you're like, you know what I think? Maybe I'll just like log in, right? Oh shit.

This is important. You're never going to believe in this. Ask her about her. For every one question you answer, ask her three. Dude, this is really weird advice. Open doors. Get yourself in question asking debt. Fuck, I forgot to ask her like 25.

I got three questions. Fuck, okay. This is going to be a tough one. I had to think of three questions. What a weirdo. Coming up with this fantasy date. from one of the girls that work for him Provided you can follow this guideline

You're highly likely to get yourself an opportunity For date number two Keep going until you find someone That you can imagine not being You can't imagine not being around all the time I got a pretty good imagination I don't know about you That's when you found a good one for you

My life is complete with my wife as my companion I wish you the same fortune life Happy Hunting Then I found out that his him and his wife adopted, they got a family, they adopted a little black kid too. Cool. How about that? That's funny. Really complete life, man.

Yeah, what a deranged lunatic. I don't even know what to classify that as. It's like boomer exceptionalism almost. Yeah, it is. Because it's so like, but it's weird. It's probably my age, though. That's the part that's kind of fucked is it's like. You're like, you get like mentally frozen in time.

probably when you have your first kid that's when you were mentally frozen in time and you don't wake up until like years and years later and then you look around and go huh what the hell you guys are having trouble dating huh let me weigh in here I haven't thought of anything in eight years

so let me try to think something up for you man hmm okay let's see the tiger cage did you see the tiger the tiger guy thing no

did you see the guy that fell out of the roller coaster and his ass was sticking out? Man, that was fucking crazy. Let's see that. Man, tossed out of roller coaster and an ass is sticking out. Whoa. Zoo disasters are always good too, because I love the, like, I mean, not the disaster itself,

but like the safety videos where they show like the gray, like 3D models of people falling into like the gorilla cage. Yeah. You know, it's like, holy shit. Look, there's a spider on this computer that they're using to take the picture of. What the hell? This park is really spooky. Yeah, either the theming is great or there's no surprise why someone fucking died. That lady on the fish.

That's his daughter, I think. Oh, man. Oh, hell no. This guy's got react. Look, no selling it, no reaction at all, just dodging out of the way. This big guy with his ass, you got to wear a belt, man. These fat guys, anybody, anybody should be, everybody should be wearing a belt. belt. Everybody should fucking wear a belt.

Especially if you're a big fat guy. You don't want your ass sticking out falling out of a roller coaster. Yeah, at least if he was alive, he could have done the shirt pole, but... Yeah, you can't always T.C. Tugger your way out of... You think, no problem, I'll just pull my pants up

a little bit all the time. Next thing you know, you're falling out of a roller coaster. The fucked part is like, it's six flags over Georgia. Yeah. It's like, well... Yeah, I wonder what happened there. Clearly, no one played roller coaster tycoon

and saw the effects of added weight to fucking cars. It makes roller coasters a little bit more exciting, though, doesn't it? What a person? You want to fucking die? Yeah. Oh, shit. You could fall apart at any moment. Ooh.

That's what roller coasters used to feel like, right? Yeah. Because it was carnies and stuff. Yeah, you're like, man, this could be the one. I could give up the ghost on this ride. Oh, here's this, here's the same ass. Getting got in the fucking... How do you flip around so that your ass is the only thing stick in this out?

Do these guys tell? Can these guys tell in the back? I think the spider's my favorite part. This guy's having the time of his life back here. He's like, oh, shit. He's still laughing. Fuck. On Goliath of all rides?

On Goliath of all rise. It's like, was he in the car, too? Right, I guess briefly. Yeah, huh Okay Man That's too bad It actually really is

Uh oh is this it Is this them Oh getting down yeah Oh they stopped them and made them walk to the bottom Oh man That's too bad That would be scarier That would be the scariest part

Walking down that fucking scaffolding And those shitty stairs that they cock going like 300 feet in the air? Dude, yeah. Man. Shaking in my boots, thinking about that shit. Oh, man. No way.

Send me through. They don't have any footage of him flying up in the air? No, this is people walking. Well, have you ever done one of those, like, wavy slides? On the, like, aluminum slide at like a fair or some shit? Yeah, super slide. Like that?

Yeah. On the potato sack? Yeah. The burlap sack? Yeah. You walk through and you walk past. And you're like, shit, that kind of looks fun. And then as you're walking up the stairs,

you're like, what the fuck? People come up this fucking thing? Like, what the hell? It's very dangerous. It's very dangerous. Dangerous. Ooh. Let's see.

Amazon is selling a, I thought about getting this, some Halloween decorations, like for myself. Amazon is scaling a scary Halloween witch. Hmm. Look at that. It's pretty scary.

She's got a big nose. Got a, kind of a clawed hand, got a spellbook with the Star of David on it. Oh. For some reason. I'm sure it's just like a mystic sigil or something.

It's just a normal mystic symbol. You see it all the time on many mystical things. It's just the middle of Saturn, dude. What's such a big deal about it? It's just a six-pointed circle. There's nothing... It's just coincidental. It's like a cube, if you look at it right, dude.

It's pretty much a hypercube. Don't worry about it. I thought that would be pretty cool to put up in the front. It's cool. I really hate witches. I put a noose around the neck, you know. I hate witches, but I like math. Love it.

Shapes and geometry. You know, that very much fits in the bill. This is a Chinese trick. It's got to be. Like peepie in the Coke. I got this one through, you think? Man, sometimes I wonder. about what?

That there actually is a funny person in a... Well, that's a fact. But it's more of a like... I wonder if there is someone at a factory who is just like funny. Actually, one instance of that, not necessarily this. Yeah.

And a friend who worked at a factory and when he'd want to go home early, he started in the first, like, 16th of the production line. Uh-huh. So if he wanted to go home early, he would offset something, but he would just push it sideways so it would go through

and fuck up the thing it would fuck it all the way up and by the time it got to the end it fucked up like the whole day's run we gotta stop it like let's just go home recalibrate everything yeah that's cool

that is I have said that was the funniest thing ever smart victimless crime because he'd be like dude they wouldn't even realize I did it until like an hour later by that point everyone would have to go home a man attacked by Tiger

at the Yorkshire Wildlife after after entering enclosure Okay A serious incident Yeah, no shit Let's see here This video is

It's like not Long enough Is he dead in this video? It's a weird Probably Damn Cracked, I don't know What is he a drug addict or he's autistic

I don't know What is it? He's telling the tiger to cool off Tiger listens for a second Damn Wow Getting smacked by that thing

Would fucking suck That would hurt man That's a big fucking dome on that thing too They both have big heads Yeah The guy's a big head But look at the fuck The tiger looks like a goddamn

Front of a Fiat or some shit That's nuts It's cool to see a tiger Fight a man I guess Like you never really see him do anything Get active so that's fun to see the tiger's in no danger obviously

I saw some people wanted to shoot the tiger Yeah shoot the guy Yeah shoot the guy Shoot the hostage Why would you shoot the Why would you shoot the tiger The Haramie thing makes sense A little baby

Yeah This baby didn't do anything It could have done What if it grew up to be Hitler though Well That's the mom's fault Really Fair

You know Nobody ever blames Hitler's mom. Right. You gotta think she must have been fucking just a... She must have been something, you know? Just a real pill. Teaching him to stand up for himself, probably. Don't take this.

Don't take anything. Hitler. Don't take it. You can be whatever you want to be. Don't let them tell you otherwise. His paintings weren't that bad, dude. yeah they're kind of cock-eyed

they're fucking better than anything I could paint let's see let's see a Hitler painting Hitler painting do you think Hitler or Bob Ross could paint cabins better though You know what

I have to eat my words on that one Really? Dude so did I not talk about this No Okay, we went to Wyoming for a family trip and we took this tour of like, you know, see the sites, right? And all the sites are like buffalo and old barns. And I was thinking, okay, like, I'm just, I spent the whole car trip changing Donnie because he decided to have diarrhea all day.

so he shit like nine times and he shit so much so we ran out of wipes we ran out of wipes then we had to use like the tour guide had some camping wipes fucking

like tired and my sister's like aren't you prepared for anything I brought a whole fucking I did shit nine times how am I supposed to think that he's gonna shit nine times

in a five hour trip or whatever this was I only have one diaper left so if he shits one more time I'm using my shirt. I'm gonna have to drive home for the rest of this tour. I'm gonna drive on the rest of the tour

with my shirt has shit all over it. So relax. Do you think I like want to not have shit wipes? Anyway, around hour four and shit six. The tour guy's like, all right, if you look

over here, it's like a van tour. Look over here This was like an early Mormon You know settlement with the cabins and stuff And I I'm putting the thing I'm putting the shit together My dad goes oh it looks like Bob Ross

And I look over I think I see it And I say no fucking way It is a lopsided cabin The door is all fucking the wrong size The window's all the wrong size It's all slanted and fucked

up. The perspective is all fucked up. I think no fucking way. It does look like that. Fuck. The window's just totally the wrong size. Like, is it for looking? Is it for coming and going? What is it for? The roof is fucked up. The sides of the house are pointed the wrong way. I was so pissed. I'm like, you got to be shitting me. Every single one. It's like, like, you got to be shitting me. Every single one. It's like it's a whole row of them. This is where all the early Mormons. And I said, motherfucker! You think he's up there slapping his easel with fucking,

turpentine or whatever the fuck, laughing his ass off? Thalo. Thalo Blue, yeah. Thalo Blue. Van Dyke Brown's also a good one, too. I was pissed. Like, you can have you kidding me? How are the houses this bad?

Turns out he was an excellent painter. It's just the advice. environment was shit. It was perfect. I'm like, have these cabins dilapidated? Like, so she goes,

no, no, they were always like this. Uh. Another cartoony eye rub, dude. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Man. Is this a Hitler painting right here?

This one's kind of, I don't know, there's something off about it. Like, where does this thing go? But it's like, it's nothing, like,

it's the kind of thing you would see in like a high school textbook, right? Yeah. Get one of those, like, big hardcover ones with all the, like, short stories and shit.

What am I looking at here? What's this hole for? That's where they're hiding the gold. It's like that's where fucking Winnie the Poohs at. Did you see the Shane Gillis monologue? No.

About women dressed like horrors at the gym? No. Pretty provocative stuff. Require me to not only watch a Shane Gillis clip. Provocative stuff. But to know what going to the gym is like, too. Pretty provocative stuff. Okay. Let's get some comments in here. Mr. Jickey.

Mr. Jickey says, talk about this planet. Classic woman fat brain. Okay. Wait, her last name is Stout? Yeah. Yeah. Let me make sure Carl's not calling in. No, okay. Just a bunch of texts about my loan requests coming through. group. Cool.

I get about 40 or 50 of those every day. Same. The emails then it's like... Nuke India. Just drop a fucking bomb on it. 100% vote. You get my vote for the rest of time. Send a bunch of tigers over there. If one American gets one spam call today, then we will

drop a nuclear bomb on Hyderabad or whatever the fuck their big tech city is called. One. And Pakistan. also, so there can be no funny business. None of this Starbelly Sneach bullshit, dude. Done.

This is a 90-10 issue. The same people that would shoot the tiger don't want you to nuke India. Not very many. Okay, this is a debate. This is a debate between Katie Padilla Stout, who is 600 pounds. Yeah, lives up to her namesake, for sure.

Isn't it crazy how all fat Mexican women look exactly the same It's like electrons They're all the same Mexican fat woman Going back and forth in time They're all identical weight Identical face shape And they're all crashing into each other all

Identical spin Look at her They do they do They just all look exactly the fucking same I feel like I could I feel like I could pick a fat white woman Out of a lineup Fat black woman I could hear

Yeah say oh hell no you know they go down the lineup oh hell no oh hell no it was that one yeah that's the one that ate my lasagna officer man

that's the one right there when fucking fat people eat what's in your lunchbox dude that is like a fucking stabbing the fucking heart but the Mexican ones they don't they all look the same all right let's hear what she has to say she's running against Brandon

Irrera. Friendly fire. Well, it's a Mexican state. Yeah. It's an Indian state. We're talking Texas, right? Yeah. Here we go. Brandon Herrera now wants to call suicide, veteran suicide, and epidemic. The yes. That's after, Brandon Herrera now wants to call suicide, veteran suicide, and epidemic. Though yes, that's after he made millions of dollars after making jokes online, making fun of Nazis.

and making fun of veteran suicide, making fun of all of these things that we know he does not need to be doing. You have a minute for a rebuttal? And here I thought making fun of Nazis was a good thing.

Out in West Texas. Oh boy. Chunga Serrera. Brandon, he should have done that in a Sean Connery accent, like James Bond. I thought I'm making fun of notches which was a good thing.

Or like the Groucho marks like eyebrow bouncing of the fucking nuclear missile cigar, yeah. Look at, she's overflowing the fucking podium. This bitch is wider than the podium. Stack overflow, dude.

Oh my God. Uh, what? They gave her a clear podium, too. Wow. That might be the funniest thing yet. Start bringing Because that's probably...

Objects behind this podium are fatter than they appear. What were you going to say? Glass top tables and shit went away since women started getting fat, dude. Yeah, they did. They're going to have to enlarge in those podiums to hide these fucking tubs of shit. Going to run out of acrylic soon. Fuck.

Oh. Okay, let's hear the rest of it. I mean, for example, my grandfather was a Silver Star recipient from the Korean War. He's a great man. I watched him wither. in the VA system before he died. I was actually one of his last caretakers

before he passed away. And I got to see firsthand how we're failing the veterans of this country. I come from a proud, have family with a proud history of military service, and that's something that I take incredibly seriously. Me and my business partners, we've raised over a million dollars

for veteran charities, and that was before running for office. That's because that's something we deeply, deeply care about. And it frustrates me to see the lack of care that we're giving people who signed on the document, line to protect this country knowing that when it was our turn the government's turn to protect them that we were going to stand up and do that that we were going to take care of them from all the injuries they may have sustained in combat and throughout their careers and we've done a terrible job in doing so i want to see that that's fixed katy one minute combating Caleb hammer you mean

combating all the fucking taxes jesus i sustained this bruised ego when i was fighting against Caleb Hammer for my infinity disability. Thank you. I apologize. I did miss fake. He chooses to do a step on YouTube for clicks and bait and money so that he can promote that type of ideology. He chooses to shame women,

call children sexually explicit comments. He wants to represent us a new step on YouTube for clicks in bait and money so that he can promote that type of ideology. He chooses to shame women call children sexually explicit

comments. Called children's sexually explicit comments. And he wants to represent us in office. If you truly believe that he cares about veterans, he would not be making... Okay, all right. This is really heating up. Yeah. He's heating up.

Is that the bitch who ate the blueberry thing from Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory? No, she's the bitch that ate her. Oh. This is the one. woman that ate Veronica Veracol

Veracol Which everyone Gap her too Yeah Do you think they sent this one out here Just to like

Trip Brandon up Like oh he's got to Because he's got to Not make fun of how fat she is Yeah Because if he does Then he'll Then they'll just

You know run with that You either got to go in A little bit or all the way And I just don't think He hates fat women As much as like you know Me or Somebody else

It's just Nazi? I guarantee you my opponent has not seen a scale. He could have just referred to her as Stout the whole time. Listen, Stout. Yeah.

And I'm not just referring to you by your last name. Stout and Chunky over here. He's the veteran of the buffet. Okay. He's gonna win, right? Who the fuck is? I mean, he's Mexican.

How's he gonna lose Texas? Yeah. Versus this. If he pulls a. gift. If he pulls up in like a truck with the back lowered a little more than the front. Yeah, it's over. Instant win.

They put this bitch in a wheel, like an old-timey wheelbarrow with a wooden wheel. Take her from place to place, from debate to debate. They've hauled up the circus wagon with the fucking pipe organ on it. He's just got to get through the debate without calling her fat. Which would be, which would be. impossible should be impossible for a normal person

but not him okay shit we got it what time is it you know I told you I have to okay I got 20 minutes left alright let's do let's do more comments

to J.B see if Carl Hamburger's is around for a call-in so we can do a quick victory lap about the stuttering John lawsuit that he went oh he can't tonight he's doing a show on Sunday he just texted me um

uh maybe I don't think so but that's okay Congrats Yeah great for Carl Yeah if he calls in We'd be talking to him for an hour

Dude winning cases Fucking win in half of Vitos He's never been higher Winning the lawsuit He has He's hosting a super successful show He's hosting a super successful show Called the Biggest Problem

It's music to my ear man. He's doing a great job. Okay. Rude Boy says, Hey, I know you probably don't care. What the hell? What is that supposed to?

I don't care. What the fuck? Kind of wait, but we just elected a nationalist prime minister in Quebec. He wants to separate from Canada and wants to negotiate with the U.S. And it benefits Quebec and not just Canada. He said he was also going to fire

all the bureaucrats that has been riding Quebec for the last 40 years. He's a mix between a socialist and a libertarian, if that's even possible. And he wants to put a huge halt on immigration, which Quebec has control over the federal governments. Also, the conservative party went from zero seats to 20 in one election. He shares a lot with the new prime minister,

which means we could get some laws passed easily. For once, I'm proud to be living where I live. Yeah, that's great. I hope he does it. That'd be cool. People are dooming a lot recently. you know, but it's really, like when Trump won, right when he won, everybody started spurking out

about legal immigration, like me and, you know, other people online, we're all like, get the fuck rid of them, get rid of all of them, every single one, every fucking one. And all the, like half of the Trump's board was like, whoa, fellas, what are we talking about? I thought legal, we want them, legal. And we're like, no, get rid of all of them. and now it's and at the time it seemed impossible they're like well i mean that's not going to happen but complaining about it for even even as little as two years now

Trump's going after and he's just saying you know he's saying it but you can't ever unsay it advance whoever's running next is going after h1b's and j ones and fucking g2s and g6 and gt's it's just indians like go after them whatever they whatever numbers and letters you want to use, get rid of them. Are we clear? Are we fucking clear on that? That's what we're doing now. Like, that's like, that's, that's within the Overton window now.

And it was not before. If, if, if now was then, Vivick would not be running for, he wouldn't even have a Twitter. It would have been, get this motherfucker, you know. So a lot changes. Um, and it's slow. Changes slowly. And you lose it like that.

But it is getting better. Good for you, rude boy. L.J. Clauberino says, Hey, Dick and Johnny, this is L.J. Clauberino. I've been a fan of the show and the biggest problem since 2017. Damn. I'm getting a divorce. Damn.

Congratulations. We've been together a little under five years and married for two. We grew apart, and now I'm not sure how to plan my exit. Oh, boy. But the JetBlue guy, dude. Hit the slide. grab a beer in each hand on the way out Take her on an Alpine divorce

Take her out hiking in Alaska and then see ya Dump her in a volcano Don't kick her ass into a volcano We own a house in Washington And have two dogs together She pays all of the bills Why are you getting a divorce? Insurance, phones, and mortgage

What the fuck? What are you like a woman? Who's the woman here? Am I having the cartoonishly clean my ears now. She pays all the bills. Insurance, phones, and mortgage. I plan to move out as soon

as possible to avoid being awkward roommates ignoring each other. I don't know if I should move home to California with my parents and two older brothers. Well, if you don't pay bills, yeah, you guys move in with your parents. That's easy decision. Or find a place

here. I like my job here as an electrician by probably but i can probably find work back home and save money by not paying rent yeah but you know everything costs something man like that's the way god works he just fucks you in one way if you're getting something for free you're getting fucked you're paying some other way so if you're living with your parents getting free rent your your your soul is big being eroded and destroyed the same time. If you have a choice. Yeah.

If you don't have a choice, then you don't have a choice. Yeah, it can be a good option depending on what work you have lined up. But definitely, like, think back to everyone who's called in and been like, man, I've moved back in with my parents and fucking hate it. If you want to be 12 again, by all means, live with your parents. But every time you're masturbating, you're masturbating a 12-year-old boy, so you're a pedophile. Pizza on Fridays don't taste the same, man. I thought about getting a room up here and saving money to plan my next move.

I'd like one of my brothers to come up here, maybe split a property and rent out rooms. How many brothers you got? Sounds like you want to live in a sitcom. The two brothers electrician show. I also don't know what to do about the dogs. One was hers,

and the other we got together, and I love very much. Get rid of them. Yeah. yeah where you're going you don't need dogs what are you talking about well and here's the thing too is if you're not in a position where you can afford dogs yeah you can't do that to them man they had no say in it you're gonna keep the dog in like a little kennel all day while you're you're gonna be like the homeless guy fucking

with your dogs fucking looking even more pathetic somehow like you gotta go like I really want this dog if only only a little bit more alimony could make it up to me. If you were willing to cut me off like 800 bucks a month, then I could see getting rid of this dog that I love so much giving it to you. Um, I want to take her with me, but maybe she'd be better off if I gave her to a willing family. Oh man, you're going to give your dog to another family? That fucking sucks. Man. Why did you get married in the first place? and not have a kid. How are you married for two years without a kid?

I guess people just like it. They just get excited and they're like, let's get married. Yeah. And it's like this, except, you know, it's a huge pain in the ass if we don't want to do this anymore.

Right? Yeah, I love huge, big pains in the ass. I would not have more free time, but I'd feel guilty surrendering a family member. Um, I guess, man. What kind of dog is it?

kind of matters. Yeah, if it's like a big dog, man. Just eat it. Then it will be with you forever. Yeah. I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Any advice. Also, is there a place where I can submit clips to Johnny's brain rot? Thank you and go fuck yourself. L.J. Clappino. You got

to build those data centers, man. You got to find where they're building data centers. Go there. You and the dog and your brothers. You can live in a van. You can live in one of those Instagram vans. That cost people like fucking 400 grand.

$400,000. It has a shower that's this big. And it has a grill that folds out on the side. See, everyone thinks about like all the chungus aspects of like, look at all. Like, see, I have everything. Yeah. It's like, yeah, I would like to shit in a place that doesn't stink up the whole fucking place. Yeah.

Like, I'm not going to shit where I cook. I don't want to have like shit streaks in my, in my visible from where I'm. It streaks. What? Like, how does that work? Manually washing your dishes every fucking day. Everything is on manual mode at that point.

They do those walkthroughs and I'm like, can you take like a bunch of fro yo and dump it in the toilet and then flush it and then show me what's there on the toilet afterwards? Just show me that. Just like water pressure of someone spitting in your toilet. A little tiny. It's gross. It is because then every time you flush.

the toilet too. It just opens the sewer hole. So now you just blow yourself out with every shit you've been taking until you and it's like man. Do that. Go grab one of your brothers and the dog and go on a

eat pray love tour. Go from data center to data center hooking up their electricity. Did a piece of property and build the new Kowloon city out there. Pack them in. How many brothers you got? 40, 50? Pack them all into one. They get so dense that like No one can map it out

How does your wife pay all the bills? How are you an electrician And your wife pays all the fucking bills? What's going on there? How big are her tits? See You forgot that part That makes me know that something's up

He forgot to sign off with its clobber in time too LJ clobber, you know I recognize you from The biggest problem, Super Chats Okay, let's do Fat Watch Fat watch Fat watch Today in fat news

Or maybe voicemails I don't know I'm kind of I'm burnt out on voicemails because the Aquaman took things to a dark place last time Dude he took us to the depths Yeah

Call him the deep now Shitty Aquaman from HBO Marino Keith says Dearest Dick Please find attached loud activist Fat bitches Notice how the only

fuckable one isn't painted up like a loud and proud fat activist. P.S. unfuckable to normal people with a healthy lifestyle. Unfuckable to normal people. Oh, okay. Did I miss your thing here, dude? Let's see. Boop boop boop. Yeah, maybe I did. Vita would brag about fucking one of them. Him taking over the show has shown what a ham-fisted retard he is.

Okay. Man, that was... I stand with Planned Parenthood. Here's a chubby girl with bloody handprints all over them. Wait, they stand with Planned Parenthood. They have all this blood all over them? My body, my choice. It looks like you place your hands there after you're satisfied with a big meal.

It looks like somebody did the Truffle Shuffle. They painted their hands and did the Truffle Truffle on this one. I mean all three of them have an eating disorder This one's just The opposite Yeah Why did she put two Two handprints on her tits?

Let me see this Can I open this? Yeah look at this Why did she do like the Janet Jackson cover of Rolling Stone with her tits Like I love abortion Look at I'm grabbing my tits

Somebody with bloody hands is Who has the bloody hands that are grabbing their tits? Yeah. Babies? Because they're full-size human hands. Gotta use baby hands. They got the bloody hands of the baby hands. She's got one across her mouth like this.

Two on her gut. It looks like someone would slap the shit out of her. Like in the mouth? Yeah. And then this one has got one around her throat. That's a bloody hand. So are these men's hands pawing at them? Uh, difficult to say

This one doesn't have any blood on her whatsoever This one has an X on her forehead Like Charles Manson And bloody tears Coming out the outside of her eyes Wait, this is just the fucking Gathering of the Juggalo's dude This isn't a fucking contest march

Look at her Her bottoms are busting at the seams Down here Look at this It's from Fatrix of Hollywood Langeray store Okay. It's wonderful.

Thank you. Thank you, Martin. Victoria Fetichini says, a woman alert with a shamalaman twist. She's a disgusting fat cow. All right, let's see. Oh, boy, I think the twist is in. The twist has been revealed.

Unless there's a second worst twist coming up. Let's see here. A choro twist, perhaps. God wanted me to lose weight. Why would he make me so fucking hot as a fat girl? Why? That's a science question that the doctor should be asking. If being fat is so bad, why am I so perfect?

Huh? Science. Get on it. Okay, but if God wanted me to lose weight, why... Okay, what else does this fat chick have? Wow, man. Anyone want to lay in bed next to me while I watch real. Let's see who falls asleep first

You want to order food I'm gonna stay up I don't want to get eaten Eat it Leave it there Fall asleep Anyone want to lay in bed next to me Oh man

Not even the dog They all get this Pocodot outfit Fatshicks all have this black With white Pocodot grid They all have that outfit well it's because the poca dots

you've got to think about it like stylistically right because it was like no no no if you're fat you gotta wear vertical stripes no no no you look like a water bottle okay do horizontal stripes no no you just look like the fucking hamburger

and then now it's like let's combine them both and now you're all fucking check yeah so it's like it's like a reduction of sorts yeah yeah that makes

sense the smaller the dots get the smaller they get yeah because if you have full lines then you see how long that line is but like you look up in his space and you never think how fat it is because it's just like a bunch of little stars you know that's like that's what they're doing here

you look at them you're like oh there's little bits of stars all over they're trying to emulate the sky skybox is what they're doing I only know I never want to let you go because it's thought of something uh... fat and proud, man. Fat and

ugly and proud. Look at this piece of shit. Remember when that was the outfit in like the mid 2000s? Like a baby blue sleeping outfit? Yeah, and you just

fucking see bitches wear that shit everywhere and you're like, who the fuck wears a Terry cloth outfit? Yeah. Fucking grocery store, you made it. Look at this cottage cheese gut sticking through the middle. Oh

Alter top Is that what that is? No, it's a midrift A welterweight Okay One more here Uh Yeah, this is a fat chick

Loading a gurney at an NBL game Steven sent this in Okay Oh man This was so bad I saw this one Oh no What happened?

It's a mad since I don't know who they're playing somebody got a hit at first base and they send in the medics to take him out on a stretcher and it's like it's a little torta that's as fat as she is tall

and this gigantic fat Jewish guy with a yarmica on like fatter than hell let's watch look his gut is ramming into the guy's head the professional athlete with a neck brace You'd think that the medics Would be

At least aspire The kinesiologists would at least aspire to be in shape A little bit Or they may be they're past their prime or something But this is like Morbidly obese Like disgustingly morbidly obese The yamika is a 10 gallon hat

Actually You're not a You need to take the yamika off I would say You're not a credit to your Trace. Don't let anyone know. Look at this. They can't even lift this, they can't even lift this poor guy up in the stretcher. They're wheeling him over. He's already out of breath. He's got to wheel him one-handed to the cart so his gut doesn't get in the way. They need his second cart to wheel him off.

He's gonna collapse from a heart attack right after they get him up there. Just, just obscene. All right. That's the show. That's the show. Wow, I cut this close, huh? I got two minutes. My wife has a book club. She goes, we went to Vromans today.

Her and the baby. She goes, yeah, they had this book called Don't Tickle the Ghost. So, yeah? She goes, yeah. I didn't buy it. I pulled this string and all this confetti stuff popped. popped out of the wall, started raining down. Music started playing, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

He's like, what's going on? I said, I've had this, perhaps for 10 years. First time you'd ever said that. But to dove, skeletons fall out? Skeletons fall out. See, yeah, well, maybe I'll go back tomorrow and buy it. I said, it doesn't matter. It's already...

It's already not bought. I know that you'd buy something tomorrow. That's not the point. It's a small video. He goes, well, I don't want Donnie to think that every time we go to the store, we buy something. I'm like, who thinks that? That's crazy, because that's what I thought. I definitely don't want him thinking that either.

Yeah, that's a evil thought. You hear that, son? Why doesn't want you to think that every time you go to the store, you've got to buy something? I got to go sweep up some confetti. All right, goodbye, everybody. Let's see you. Thank you.