The Dick Show - Episode 58 - Dick on Pumping Gas

Episode Date: July 11, 2017

Manstagram, interventions, reverse devil horns, escaping Jimmy Fallon at the gas pump, Lacy's Instagram predictions, a condom allergy, the capacity for love, the male pill, car dealerships, tearing off the protective covers on electronics, sounds to make when you climax, Kim Jung Un, the anti-hero for our age, and a very "artistic" erotic story; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Welcome to Nick. You need to get your love dick. You want dick, it's the show. Where everything is a contest coming to you live from a concrete bunker. And the side of the mountain and the city deep, deep, deep, deep in the city of failure. I am your host, Dick Masters in Los Angeles city failure, Lacey. I'm your host, Dick Masterson with Angeles City failure, Lacey. I'm your host, Dick Masters, and with me, most of the time is Sean. Hello, Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy?

Joining us today to read some news, the beautiful, the lovely Lacey and Goals. Hey, you, say hi. Hi. Hey, hey, hey. Just don't wave. Hey, you got to solve the wave. All your shit is on lockdown on the internet.

I noticed, like your Twitter. Really lockdown on the internet, I noticed. Like your Twitter. Really? Yeah, what'd you do? I wanted to send her some spicy tweets. John, it's all private. I get an itch in my belly. I get an itch in my bones,

like a person with rheumatoid arthritis when the storm is a brewing, I get these spicy tweets send my fingertips to twiddling the third stage of syphilis. Yeah, spicy tweets, third stage of syphilis, and I want to send Lacey some spicy tweets her way. Nothing. I'll unblock it.

What happened a few years ago, I accidentally locked myself out of my Twitter account. Yeah. And then Twitter wouldn't let me log back in. Yeah, they're bastards. They're assholes. It's been literally like nine months, and so I just said, fuck it.

And I just stopped using my Twitter. I'll show you Twitter. I'm gonna block my account. I'll show you that disrespect me. Is that what it was? It's like a tantrum. No, but I switched over to a different platform. What other than Twitter? Instagram. Instagram. Yeah, Instagram's I hate Instagram because all the all the pretty people went over there. I'm like, I don't belong there. Like I can see it's totally nerd out on Instagram. Like I don't nerd out. Let me talk to you about what I do. I don't, I don't never nerd out. What the hell would I post on Instagram? Crosswords. Are you serious?

If you're a crosswords in the shape of a shark. Let me run your social media for you. You wanna run my Instagram account? I have it up in running. What are you gonna put on my Instagram account? It's not say things we don't mean. A picture of a sweaty man drinking another IPA. This, I really enjoyed this racer five of the 12 I drank today.

This was my favorite, like what, cause you can relate to that. Yeah, incredible. Not three times every day, every day. Oh yeah, like this same thing. On Twitter, I could write. I could use my, I could use my gifts. I could use my shit tweeting abilities on Instagram.

I got, I know I got nothing. I know what I do every day. It's nothing. Nothing. Nothing. No. None of us do. None of us guys do. Like, what am I going to take a picture of, oh, look, I just, I just, I just had a conference call. Here's a picture of a fucking wall that I was staring at, twiddling my thumbs, while I was on this fucking conference call. That's what guys do all day. Just had a, just had a fight with my wife. Here's the other side of the bathroom where I'm sitting on a toilet pretending to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes

just to get a little fucking moments peace. That's a guy's Instagram. You know, I know that's not working. No. What? Believe it. I don't. That's a guy's, that's a guy's,

Hey, did you have any good plans before the July? Yeah. I, I climbed up on my truck to the roof and then I, I passed out drunk. I wanted to see the fireworks, but there was a tree in the way on my roof. So I saw nothing, taking a nice, big picture of absolutely nothing, blackness. That's my happy for the July utter blackness in despair. That's a man's, that's man's to Graham. Just a bunch of, a bunch of guys taking the most depressing picture of just all grays, grainy chance of clouds, 10,000%.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's like for us, the company logo is just like a TV dinner. It's the saddest thing ever. And it's just a stack of TV dinners. One after the next one, maybe one night, you did a blue apron that you ordered because you thought that was the night you're gonna change your life around.

You got shit face like, yeah, I'm just gonna do blue apron. I don't care if all the meals are for two. I'm gonna start doing it and eat leftovers. And then it gets there and you're like, okay, I'm gonna do one blue apron today on Tuesday when it gets here, but then you just push it off and you keep ordering, eat 24. And then the next Tuesday, another box comes

and you're like, what the fuck? Now I have five blue aprons to do. That happened to me. It happens to everybody. That's what, that's why it's on a subscription. Cause they just keep sending it and you keep stacking up in the fridge and now you're eating old food.

You can't eat the new one. I don't believe you have leftovers. I do have leftovers. I always have leftovers because I, Sean, I cannot stand being hungry. Yeah. I cannot stand being hungry. Well, that's my point.

So I will make being hungry. Well, that's my point. So I will make food for six people, for just me. And I don't even want to portion it into a plate. I'll eat it right out of the pot. I don't want to be judged by a plate. I don't want to pile the amount of food I want to eat on the plate and have it spilling out. I'm like, okay, very funny plate.

Very funny. I guess it's too much. No one ever imagined that someone would eat this much food on the plate. Ha, ha, ha, I got it. See, you could show that on your Instagram. Just a plate spilling over with the disgusting amount of food that I eat. That you cook.

Yeah, but it looks like shit. That's what I cook as a man, a piece of chicken, maybe some spaghetti and rice, and I do that's it. Here's a crappy ugly burnt chicken breast and just a clumpy shitty pile of rice. But I put soy sauce on it because I thought it'd be good and it was not. And it was not good because I put the wrong spices. Like it's a gross meal.

Your spice and your rice. You don't spice your rice? Shout out to nice. Oh, maybe not put soy sauce on it. Think twice. Oh my god. Oh. I can't think of another ice word.

No, don't try. It's a man's Instagram. What do you have on your Instagram? What did you, what red card? How many of your Instagram pictures do I have to go back before I see a red carpet event? You know what I mean? Those I've been to, fucking none.

And if I did, I wouldn't want to tell anyone about it because I would fucking hate it. I don't want to go to a red carpet event and get my picture taken, and then I gotta go on a website later and type in a code, and it's like, oh yeah, just what I thought. You look like shit. Just what I fucking thought.

You look ugly and fat and hung over. I'm really, what a fun event. What a fun memory of this fucking event for me to have. That's Manstagram. Oh shit. Manstagram, you're fucking ugly. That's the luck. You are boring and ugly. That's the slogan of Man's to Graham. What do you have on your Instagram? Shondi, have an Instagram? No. Call. He barely has email. What's on your

email? No. What did you say? Man's to Graham? What's on my Instagram? Yeah, what's on your Instagram? Pull it up. Let me guess. Let me guess what's on your Instagram. Okay. In the last five pictures. Yes, okay. Let's go.

What do I get if I get this right? I think it's gonna be a shot of the sky with palm trees in it. I think it's gonna be a picture of your feet in front of something. I'm gonna write these down. Feet in front of something. What do you mean that I was trying to take a picture of your feet in front of something. I'm gonna write these down. Feet in front of something. What do you mean that I was trying to take a picture of that object, but I put my feet out there? No, no, no, no. You're like, I'm kicking back on the beach.

Take it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And check it out. In case you didn't believe me, here's my fucking feet. Yep. I'm on a lounge chair. I'm on a lounge chair in life.

I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. Here's my feet. These are my feet. Hang it out with these new sexual predators, me, Matt. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life.

I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life.

I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge chair in life. I'm on a lounge something with you being serious something you with you reading a book

Like a really gigantic book. Oh my god. Don't take a picture me while I'm reading in my nerdy glasses Get your asses going on a limb there. That's a good call if that happens. All right. What do you got great? Let me see Let me see okay top five pictures I'm a little mad about this. The first picture my feet are definitely in the picture. Okay. I don't do that. One for Dick. Zero for lazy. But it's exactly I'm standing and I'm just kind of like a fine whatever. Whatever. The angle. Fine. All right. You win. Another one of me doing Pilates. Oh, I should have said that. I should have said that instead of the book. Of course. Would you have said Pilates or would you have said yoga?

If you not, he said Pilates. Really? Yeah. Cause yoga's for fat brods. Do noting. There's cameras on this. Just agree with that. Yeah.

You're always right. Oh, that's it. I'm done picking on you. I've never heard it. You're always right. I'll say that. Ever in my life. Okay. What's the next one? Next say that. Ever in my life. Okay,

what's the next one? Next one is a picture of me visiting my dad, but he's not in the photo. Neither are you. Yeah, you. What does the picture have, Sean? It's, well, that's a horrible selfie. That's you need longer arms. I was trying to get people back. What we call that is a gratuitous boob shot. You visiting your dad is not, that is the opposite of what your dad wants you to post on the internet. Right. Speaking as a man who's insanely possessive of women, I know 100%.

That is not, if you were visiting me and I was your dad, and that looks like a hot T-Rex took that photo, because I was just gonna get far enough away from her face. It's cropped through and clear your fly-line. Lazy, I know that pain. Oh, shit. You do. I need to take two selfies to clear my forehead.

The next one is, it's a boomerang. I don't really know how to describe it. Whoa. I see the ass moving. Yeah. Get up on that mic. Okay, bouncing that. That looks like a boomerang. I don't really know how to describe it. Whoa. I see that I'll smooth it. Get up on that mic. Okay, bouncing that. That looks like a red carpet thing.

There's a damn thing back there. They're kind of does. This is on Melrose. It's just a advertisement post. I like it. I can't even tell anymore. It's the, okay, what's the last one? This is a flyer for the dick show.

Yeah. Hey, hey, hey. Okay, you're off the hook. Don't hit me too far. I'm too good. Good diver. Yeah. All right, phenomenal.

You know, I, I have an announcement to make, short announcement, the space pot is dead. The space pot is dead. Remind me of a car, my car that's held together by zip ties, gone. It's on a, it's on a train to Mexico right now. Is it? Fucking gone.

Man, finally, everything, absolutely everything on that car broke down. Really? Look, John, the convertible rooftop? Pretty much. You know, it's something, if you have a convertible, you will use it maybe three times in the life of your car, but I'm just having it there. Having it there, every, every chick. Said a convertible.

You fucking bet your ass. You bet your fuck had a lot of good times in that convertible, Sean. All three of them. All three of them. I know. Going to the beach, come to chicks. You know one of them, I see.

I, uh. Had a lot of good times in that car, Sean. Yeah. But it's gone. It's gone. It's gone. It's gone. Mm-hmm. This guy right here, brand new fucking car.

Never saw that. Never in my life if I had brand new car. Congrats. That's exciting. No, no. That truck wasn't new? No, my dad had it for a long time before he gave it to me. He wanted to break it in.

Mm. It feels, I feel like, what about the one you crashed? before you give it to me. You wanted to break it in. Mm. Oh. It feels, I feel like, um, what about the one you crashed? I feel, well, it's not taught. Let's not get into all the cars I crashed. Okay, including the space pad. Mm-hmm.

I feel like a new man. Yeah. It's the, it's the car that, it's the truck that the dickheads built. It's a nice truck. It's a nice truck. I think I'll get a truck next. I've been kicking that around.

It's driving a buddy's truck. It feels like I'm driving a house. I miss driving a street. Like I get, I know. I'm all spread out. I got, I'm even in Southern California. I got a computer on this hand. I don't even text anymore.

I hot spot with my laptop and I'm actually filling out reports as I'm driving around now. I know, man, they're so fucking nice and they're a truck. Oh, God. It's great. Even in Southern California, I'd put up with it to drive a truck. Greatest feeling ever.

Best feeling ever to not have to drive that squeaky piece of shit around. So I'll be doing dick riding that. But let me tell you something. The process of getting the car is the most rage-inducing process that I think I've ever been to. Is it ever any different? You know what? It is, man. They have gotten fucking you over.

They have grown the science of fucking you over by leaps and bounds. Is that right? Since the last time I was involved in one of these. Really? Oh yeah, man, it's gotten worse. It's got the internet, the proliferation of the internet. It's gotten worse, dude, because if the things make less sense, like they get you, I did the true car thing where I thought, oh, it just tells you how much the car is, right?

You go in, it's nothing of the sort. Wow. The picture doesn't match. The numbers don't fucking match. There's all these, as soon as you get in there, do they bait and switch you? Oh, they do everything. They do everything.

And every single part of the process is some elaborate lie. Like, well, you know, I'm like, hey, there's fame. There's price, there's car. This is what I want. Right. Well, I want the physical version of this. I just want this, what you had, and you sent to me, this is what I want.

No tricks. That's when the tricks begin. They say, sit down right there and we'll bring out a magician to show you what's gonna happen to your money, as it flies out of your fucking, oh, that's... Well, let me check if we even have that car in stock.

Motherfucker, it says, In-stock models on the thing! Why would... Why an already... I'm getting triggered by just this and it hasn't even begun. No. The parade of bullshit has not even begun.

Well, see, we don't update the website from here. I mean, they do. Like, what are you talking about? It's everything's updated all the time. How fucking dumb, like, I realize it's happening, wait a minute, wait a minute. This is a system of lies. Yes.

Designed to open you up for bigger and bigger lies as you go. So I really got to be on my, on my A game. I thought I'd get in some good negotiating practice for the biggest problem trademark. Did you know that Lacey, did you know that the biggest problem trademark is being opposed by me? No.

By yours truly. The old show, my old partner filed a trademark and I'm assuming he's gonna relaunch it because he thinks it's the fucking name of the show is what made it successful. Because he's fucking dumb. So at the very last moment, I got help from a dick out on Twitter,

which is why you should be on Twitter to oppose Stephen Burst, to oppose this trademark. Buddy boy gets a lawyer, is well, let's work something out. And I said, oh, yeah, let's work it out. Let's work something out. This is good. Got to meet me. You got to meet me in person. That's it. That's work something out. This is good. Gotta meet me.

You gotta meet me in person. That's it. That's all I want. You gotta sit there and tell me to my face that you think I'm a rapist. I figured I'd get in some good quality time negotiating at the car dealership. Man, every single as the technology has grown

so has the zillions of ways they fuck with you. That model's not in. We got to check out another model. Well, it doesn't match the picture. That's just a, that picture's just a random picture from the internet. Like, uh, what do you, why? How come this one, why is this one, why, why is it random?

There's no, I could punch you into Google the Specifications of this I don't believe you for a second and it is fucking racist lies lies lies constant lies Sean constant credits and bullshit And the way they get you now. I don't remember them doing this I remember when you got a car One the guy you dealt with would have to pretend walks shit up to the manager who would then they would like giggle and suck each other off or do it well or what the Fargo scene. What's that? Where Jerry Lunderguard walks into his boss's office, the guy's haggling on about the true code or and then he says, he says, hey, you don't have any gofers tickets

for the weekend. Are you crazy? And he just walks back out. He just walks back out. He said we can knock a hundred bucks off. It's like as soon as you get in there and say, okay, I see the sticker price on the window, let's start negotiating on that. As soon as you sit down, they're like, well, we put all this, we put this type of Scotch card in there, if that's another two grand on top of this,

I'm like, what the fuck, you're going the wrong way. This is like, you are going up more? Oh Jesus Christ, that's how we're doing this. Okay, I wasn't prepared for that. I don't remember that. I remember going, starting at the sticker, and then trying to chisel them down. I sit down the guy's like,

well, we put this fancy Scotch guard on the car. Just gotta tell you, every dealership has one of those. Every dealership has one of these fancy Scotch guards. So, you know, don't think we're ripping you off. If everyone has one, why isn't it, that tells me it's a rip off. You son of a bitch. You fucking sleeve wearing shitheeel. This guy's wearing a fucking neoprene sleeve up his one up one arm.

I was thinking he just had like, so he just like to keep his elbow loose. It's got 10 to 10. For all the ass ramming that they do. But then we leave and 80s girls like, I bet he was in, I bet that guy was in a gang. Could be a bunch of tats. Yeah, probably. He just saw ones escape through it.

It's gonna take great. So in a car trying to, trying to chisel a drug dealer out of a, out of a thousand bucks. Oh great As soon as you get in there there they go with the add-ons go and stick a prize It's the worst man. It's the worst and the whole time and then I'm sitting there as these dumb fucks are like are doing their They're Martin and Lewis routine Hey, Ben are like are doing their, their Martin and Lewis routine.

Hey, Ben. What do you, so what do you do? Communion. Oh yeah? Well, it's kind of stuff. I was like, I talk about people who piss me off for every day and you are, you're shooting to the top. You're on top right now. Oh man, I treat my employees better than I treat my family.

That's what I'm all about here. Okay, I can't deal with this. I can't deal with you. Why should you trust that? Lazy, I don't even wanna hear about it. I don't wanna a friend. I don't want these people to be, they just hit you all the time.

It must be like being a woman. Guys, like, guys coming up to you all day, trying to be nice to you. Yeah. Hey, so, what do you think about, I like your shoes. Tell me more about those shoes. Get the fuck out of here.

Exactly. Get the hell out of here. Someone just did that to me. You told me that he thought my shoes looked brand new. I'm just gonna crash shoes again. I'm just gonna crash shoes again. No lesbian boots. Oh, wait, he said your shoes look brand new?

Not these shoes. But that was his line. That was his line. Are those, were they sneakers? Yeah, I was walking into the gym. Okay, new sneakers can look cool. They can, but you know what? He gives shit. I'm a guy and why would he care about what my shoes can look cool. They can, but you know what? I'm a girl, she's a guy,

and why would he care about what my shoes look like, right? What was that what you said? I immediately said no, they're not new. I've had them for about six months, and I just wear them into the gym. And it was a lot better. It's got a conversation there though. He did, but I walked off.

Oh, what did he look like? I can't even remember. Ooh, man. Oh man. That's the worst. Definitely not my turn. I would trade. You could say the worst things about me.

What was that guy like? He got way too drunk. He was being very inappropriate with some of the girls at the party. He was making too many jokes. I mean, he got out of control. But that, that I would take over. Hey, it was stick it, the party can't remember. Yeah.

Oh no. I failed. Totally. It's all about making an impression. Well, I don't know how I did in the end of this car negotiation. Because it used to be a car. I do have a car. Yeah, but I don't know. So I got the guy, the guy, it used to be, guy goes I do have a car. Yeah, but I don't know.

So I got the guy, the guy, it used to be, guy goes the manager, bullshit, it comes back. Now, the guy sits there the whole time, and the manager comes to you, so you have these fucking guys breathing down your neck, the whole time doing their nonsense, nonsense math, Sean. Nonsense math.

Like absolutely nonsense math. There's 10,000 numbers on the table. At all times, they're trying to distract you from the only ones that matter. Right there. And you have to say it, like, it's not hard to tell someone they're scamming you, but it's hard to tell someone that you think they're stupid.

Which is what you get in the position of doing. Like, why are you ignoring everything that I'm saying and talking about all this shit? When I'm, this is the number that I care position of doing. Like why are you ignoring everything that I'm saying and talking about all this shit when I'm, this is the number that I care about right here and you know that. Yeah. God damn you. Yeah.

How long did it take you? Four and a half hours. Yeah. Four and a half hours. That's one of the most unpleasant experiences you can have buying anything. So I'm thinking. I'm awful.

It is. Why, so I'm thinking, why does this even exist? Why do these scumbags exist? Why do the car companies let them do it? You're thinking about using a car broker who deals directly with a fleet manager? What's that? Just another, a different kind of scam artist?

People do that. I don't know, man. Some people swear by him. But how could anything get you a deal? I don't know. You know, is this just no way? Have how could anything get you a deal? I don't know. You know, is this just no way? Have you ever thought about buying a Tesla? I hate Tesla.

I hate Tesla. Yeah. Tesla's wouldn't exist. It's just a bunch of stolen money. I don't think they've posted any profits at all that are not just direct subsidies. Yeah. We posted a profit of 600 million bucks.

But you can just let go of line and order the car, right? Yeah, we posted a problem of 600 million bucks. Yeah, but we gave you order the car right? Yeah, that's what I want just show up Show up with it. Why the fuck why does it why do I have to go deal with this these Assholes why do I have to go deal with these guys? Why do I have to go deal with these guys who would be working at a Zingular selling doing the same kind of shit just because I wanted like there's no escaping it man. It's so fucking frustrating. And I'm sitting there pretending to be the dumbest guy in the world just to like slow it down and at the end of the end of the day I don't even know. I have so many numbers I don't

even know if I did good. Oh I know who, the guy was the gang I was pissed off. I know he was pissed off. He went outside and smoked and was all pouty for the rest of the evening so I was like, look, if he's pissed, then I know I probably won. You probably did all right. Because everything's already signed. So he's got no reason to act pissed.

And I don't think he would do that. He could have always said no. The dealership won't make a deal, they don't want to make. I mean, it's... I don't know. It drove me absolutely fucking crazy, the whole thing. The way they talk to you, I get 80s girls sitting there and they're asking her, should I have fucking speak to her?

What the hell, what is this? What are you trying to rope purring on the line before? I've heard other people say that too, where it's like, hey, I'm buying the car. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who else is with you. It's like, don't try to just, you're dealing with me.

Nobody else is here. Yeah. You ask me the questions. I'm making the decision. I'm buying the car. I'm signing the check. What are you gonna get your Instagram here, buddy? Is that what you're doing?

Look at pictures on the red carpet. And then as soon as it, when all of it's done, and I go deal with another, the next, the next, the next scumbag, the next shark in the chain, the next shark in line, the finance guy. No, the final, of course, the finance guy. Yeah. Well, you gotta get, you want low jack?

You know what you gotta do? No, dude, just fuck off. It's been four hours. I feel like I've been playing poker all night. I want to get out of here. I hate this. I hate you. Just shut up.

Shut up and you, he did do me a solid though. What's that? Cause I was trading in the space pod. Yeah. And I, I bought that car from my dad a long time ago. And I mean, I never, we never signed that over or anything like that, just because we like to keep things loose. So when tax man comes,

it's just like a bunch of Mexicans tell stories that don't make sense. I can't figure out these fucking, I can't figure out this crew of Dick Mashance's dad. They're telling different stories. Their stories don't line up. They're going a lot of tangents, a lot of weird tangents, and they're yelling a lot,

talking about people that I don't think exist with very weird names. We're just gonna have to revisit this case. We like to keep everything real, like, we're losing you see. Can't be pinned down. It's a good dick tip. It is. Keep things.

Keep things shifty. What's your bad mind? Don't ever admit to anything. Always have a note. Don't ever admit to anything without adding more confusion. Well, I know that. Without adding more confusion. Tell the bigger lies so they forget about the first lie.

Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Where were you last night? Well, I was almost at the bar. Okay. Make it. You got gotta make them work for it. Just like the car salesman. If you make them work hard enough to get the truth,

they'll just give up. And they'll just say, yeah, okay, I don't care if it's 5,000 bucks, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get the fuck out of here. So it's all done. We're getting ready to go. I made all the mistakes in the world, too. Really I was hungry. Mm-hmm I was looking at porn on my cell phone. They didn't have any popcorn or gumballs

What do you think I that's like a substitute for looking at porn on your board? For being hungry Lots have like popcorn on deck for being hungry. Usually the car lots have like popcorn on deck, gum bomb machines. No, it's more of a Lexus thing, not for a day. Okay, yeah, there. Go to get in the car, the guys, you know,

saying, hey, if you, if you give me a review on, I'll never wanna think about you again. I don't wanna see you, I'll get like 20 bucks out of it. And I was like, okay, so I definitely got, I definitely won in the steal that if you hit me up for 20 bucks on the way The guy fucked up to the manager the manager fucked up Because he said he was sitting down with one of their counter offers and he said, you know, just look just sign this thing right here And you'll help you'll help your buddy here the guy who's the guy who initially brought me to something you'll help him out

He'll get it, you know, he'll get 500500 or he said, he'll get $1,000 out of it. You just sign right now, I was like, oh, okay, so I know I can get at least a thousand off of this. Because that guy doesn't need any, I was like, ah, you fucking blew it. Now I know exactly how much you're gonna make out of this. That should never, a salesman making a thousand on a car is unheard of. Yeah, unheard of. Yeah. So I get in the car and that guy comes over and he's like,

oh yeah, let me just set up this, let me just set up your screen here and reach this over. And I get one of those far away zoom, you know, visions. Yeah. He grabs the plastic thing on the screen, on the navigation and peels it off and I go, NOOOOO! That's the best part of getting a new thing is taking that fucking plastic off and you just took it off, you son of a bitch! Put it back on, put it back on, put it back on!

Not the same. It's not the same as I'll just, he had satisfying peel. The only thing we've ever invented that works 100% of the time all the time is that class like no residue ever perfectly protected. Waaah! I see them as he does it in slow motion. I think he's doing it on slow motion. I'm purpose just to fuck with me. Peeling it off one millimeter at a time.

Like the hottest woman in the world, taking a bra, panties off, whatever. Taking her nice little negligence, letting it flutter to the ground. He, taking a bra, panties off, whatever, taking her nice little negligence, letting it flutter to the ground, he's taking off just, nah, he just daintily drops it. I don't like having a full, I'm frantically searching around the car for, for the round the truck for another one to take off. I got a kid hat, this blue balls in my brain, I got a take one of these plastic soft right away. Get me another truck.

Get a new one. A better one. Get everybody start over. Start over. I paid for the plastic thing. I paid for that. You give me another one. Make it again.

Oh, I got so mad at Coach one day. We went for some reason. For some reason, we wanted to record ourselves, um, getting, doing mushrooms I think. So we, we went to the store, I don't know why, very, very, very young for some reason, because it's never do that. No, never, never, never, never, never record yourself doing, that's what people do. That's what people do for like an intervention.

Yeah, like we recorded you doing drugs and drinking and this is what you look like. We thought we'd cut them all off at the past and go like, yeah, let's desensitize ourselves to how horrific we behave while we're on drugs so that when people spring it on us, I'm gonna go like, fucking work, didn't it? Yeah, yeah, I'm care, I've seen me on drugs, I don't give shit.

How much more of this got? Let me see the B reel, let me see the clips that didn't, let me see the director's cut of this intervention video. So we did that and we got this little like, little codec camera. This is before GoPro's where we're big. Got this little codec camera, we get in the car and coach busted open, pulls it out.

Peels that screen about halfway through what I see him and I just go, ah! He drops it back in the car and coach busted open, pulls it out, peels that screen about halfway through what I see him and I just go, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I've had some things, I've had like keyboards, like musical keyboards, where that plastic protective sheet has been on there for the entire time I've owned it. Over the display. Yeah, yeah. And then the day I go to get rid of it or sell it, that day I sit down, I put a nice robe on. I ruin it for the next guy.

I have a nice cup of, of, of, not even, I don't, it's not even coffee or tea. What is that silly, Senka? No, it's a, oh or tea. What is that silly sanka? No, it's, oh man, the guy emotes out in the jungles. It's a matcha, right? And then I sit down and I just peel that fucking plastic off. Mine, it was mine, I ruined it. And then I give, is my alone in that?

The plastic thing? No, I like doing it. I do it all the time on my phones. On other people's? No, I don't rip other people's off. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go to an Apple store and just open all the boxes and rip, peel all the plastic things.

It does those find me covered in common boxes in an Apple store, passed out from having peeled off all the, ah, so satisfying. It's so satisfying and that guy robbed me of it. That's what's whole Yelp review is gonna be that. Yeah. Guy was great, but for some reason, the audacity of this man to get in first,

but very handsy, I'll say, very handsy. Jumped in, just leave it at that. Yeah. If you have any more questions, reply to this post. And then send them to your rap list. I'll have it. It'll be a 10,000 word essay on how completely inappropriate and a violation it was for me to have my plastic cover removed.

At the dealership. You have, he's got, he had thousands of cars there. He could have gone and peeled the plastic off any of them. You wouldn't take off someone else's condom, would you? I mean, yeah. I should have just torn his pants off in the car. There, now you know what you did. Now we're even.

And now we're not even. You could put these pants back on. Yeah, that's true. I can't put that plastic thing back on. Nope. Uh, it was a Ford F-150 if anybody, if anybody's asking. I'll tell you what else. It is a nice truck.

Black. Yeah, dude. Which is a great color, even though it's fucking hot, man. What's interior? I didn't look in. Also black. Oh, God. Yeah.

Black on black, Sean. Yeah, I mean, better than any fucking cool as hell. God, it's gonna be hot. But they see, Sean. Yeah. I mean, better than fucking cool as hell. God, it's gonna be hot. But, they actually should kick ass. Four days a day. It does kick ass. Feels like driving a fucking house around. The only time I've ever had back seats,

usually when, if there's more than, there's only enough room for me and my ego in every car I've ever driven because there's only been a two-seater. Every car, every car, for, yeah, every car I've ever had, two-seater. And now, two girls wanna come in and say, well, you don't have to sit on each other's lap.

Now, you guys spread out in the back. I got a whole mattress fucking back there. I get all the room in the world. You do. Here's what also makes me rage. The videos at gas station pumps. Yeah. They have made that experience miserable.

Will they show you like a clip from SNL or something? Yeah. Yeah. At full volume as loud as fucking possible. Fucking loud, aren't they? They're very loud. You can hear them across the street. If there's four gas stations at an intersection,

you can just stand in the middle of the street and get pop culture slammed into your fucking ears, not a nonsense cacophony of pop culture from these stupid video machines. Selling what? Who, selling what? Just ubiquitous pop culture. You ubiquitous, you never fucking forget

that Jimmy Fallon exists. I'm so thank god while I'm pumping my gas, I could think about Jimmy fucking Fallon. I fucking hate that guy. Who's me, two man? Who is running, who is directly causing everyone in America to not think about any, any personal thing to them, just a non-stop, non-stop parade of fucked middle of the road bulls shit, like a non-stop, g-rated dystopia broadcasting your brain every single second you get out of your house or your car every second every say go to the gas pump I got what five minutes ten minutes you can't leave me alone you can't you can't leave me alone for ten minutes

Well, I fill up my car with this gas. I just get back in the car and sit you can still hear it though Sean I tune it out you can still you you you should you shouldn't can't, I can't hear it because that tone of voice, that fake, fucking fake ass newsreading tone, no offense, Lacey, it's not even newsreading, it's not newsreading because it's like, it's the permanent fun tone, the E-access Hollywood. Hey, if you pump in gas, it go, but you gotta catch a heat. You gotta get that. Get your dogs in the car. Make sure to put the window down.

And you're just like, man, who is this? Find me one person on earth that enjoys this. And then cut their balls off or plug them up. So that DNA just dies off. Who is, it's made for an imaginary person. But it's not, because it works. Because now I'm thinking about the whole way home, I'm thinking about how much I hate Jimmy Fallon.

Right. The whole way home, I'm getting more and more pissed off because I forgot what I was thinking about when I drove into the gas station because they just hammer you like a fucking cigarette ad, and that's the worst thing. It's never, it's never for something I want or like. It's always for everything that I hate, everything,

everything that I hate those stupid ads are for. Oh, the rock and Chris Hart talking about their movie black on black. Chris Hart. Kevin Hart. Yeah. It's good. Chris Rock. Chris Rock. I Hart. Yeah. It's good. Chris Rock.

Chris Rock. I know they all look the same, but please, please, they don't. They look very different. Right. The Rock's got the rock. Yeah. You just can't escape it, man. It's coming.

They're going to put it in more things. They're going to put it at the grocery store. Big old, they're gonna put it in schools. Put it right on, put it right in the back of the kids head in front of you. So you just can't help but watch the fucking hologram Jimmy Fallon in 30 years. That's how the human centipede's gonna be created.

Yeah. Right there, right in your face all day. Hey, check me out. You like celebrities, right? No. Well, I don't. I'm a celebrity because they told you I'm a celebrity. Yeah.

I don't want to ever hear about them. I just don't want to hear about them while I'm spending 60 bucks on gas. I don't want to hear about them at the gym. I don't, I don't want to hear about them at the gym. I don't I don't ever want this. And I really want whoever let you guys do this to me to this vomit right in my ears. I want to beat the hell out of them doing this to me because you get you get there man. And if you're with somebody, all you can you can both here, but you in both here, that shit going

on in the background and I'm twitching, listening to what I'm going to, what, zany thing this week, I'm going to hear on access Hollywood night of absolutely no value. Being shoved into, anyway, all right, I'm going to read neurotic story. Loafsax is on the phone too. Yeah, I think he wants to, he's got a raise. I think I want to ask him about the Asterios boxing match. Did you see that? Lacey? It happened.

Yeah. Oh, spur of the moment thing. Yeah, they just were, those two assholes got so worked up. It was after the last one you were on. When they called in, okay, so they'll get the war, the fanboys guy immediately after that show drove to New York To box a stereos in a 24 hour UFC Jim

Ain't brought a cat girl. Yeah, uh-huh who won? Oh, yeah, well it was a draw it turns out Oh, yeah. Well, it was a draw. As it turns out, this is exciting because Assyrio was going to have a heart attack if he did a third round. And wore the fanboys was likely to suffer brand damage. Punch, punch so softly that he was fade out of existence like the back to the future. That's why. So they ended it. He's like, if I look, Assyrio is look a series like look I'm gonna have a heart attack, but if you throw one more meaningless punch, you might just nullify yourself from existence.

Just like you're like Marty McFly. Yeah, if you're holding the photo, you can't punch that weakly in the world. Right. You will, that's it. They still have a training to do. That was where they went wrong. They, yeah, they just went wrong. They just went wrong by letting them call in at the same time.

They, they raged out and then it was like a weigh-in. You know, when they go at it, like imagine if they're just at the gym by themselves weighing in. There was the fire. They were gonna be a blood bath. All right, all right. I haven't done one of these in a while. But it is the best segment in arguably its investment and gross.

It's the best for this segment in radio. The Ditch show presents an awesome story from a real mat. Harmful opinions gave us that by the time this post, thank you very much. Here it is, here it is, here it is. This one is from... This one is from... Kuro. Or Kuro.

I don't know how to say it. Which one sounds more like to you? Kuro. Kuro. Why? The D is too rough. Kuro. That's too like samurai.

How do you spell it? Yeah. KURO. Yeah. Do you think, do you find samurai's attractive like? No. No. I mean, no.

No. Absolutely no. Because that's like, that's like, I have to like shaved heads with like the bun on top. No. Yeah, they got a, they got a big problem with everything. I realized as I asked it, that that would be a woman's worst nightmare.

Totally. I say I'm a rye. Yeah, but I'm thinking, why they're very prestigious and they have honor and I was like, yeah, this is but you're a total asshole. Yeah, total asshole. Dear Dick, I'm writing to you because there's an erotic story I desperately need

to get off my chest. For years. Look at confession. It is, that's what this is. It's church, Sean. You get off my chest. For years. Like a confession. It is. That's what this is. It's church, Sean. You get to Sunday on the show and we record this show. I got a lot of things to unload. Because you get through the week, man.

You make a lot of deals with the devil to get through the week. And then Saturday, you become the devil. Yeah. And you try to get yours on that one day. And I don't know. You become the devil more than one day a week. I think I'm gonna have a lot of Saturdays, my friend. It's an old song.

It says the first time the devil made me do it. The second time I done it on my own. I think that's every other time the dick's done it. Ha ha ha. Anyway, for years, I've been too embarrassed to tell it terrified about being judged. Society, man. No way to live. It. No way to live.

It's no way to live. Doesn't matter what you did, tell people. Still. They're not real. They're just, they're just illusions in your head. Everything is a simulation.

Just do whatever you want. If you could convince yourself of that, that'd be an amazing way to live life. Yeah. Wouldn't it, that you're living in a computer simulation? Your, your, the universe is just an extension of you.

That's it, right? I mean, I know this is all like, this has been thought about. Yeah. It's just, that everybody is just a, just a projected universe. And I created you to do this and you to do this. And you know that, do you know, so nothing I do matters, because it's all right. Everything is, it's like this popular philosophical question for these assholes that I don't like, like Elon Musk.

Oh, well, you know, if it's possible to make a simulation, then we have to be living in one because the odds are that the one society would have created an artificial civilization, and then that would, you know, they would always create themselves. Isn't that trippy and cool? It's like, you know, you know, you just, you could do that.

You could say that without calling it computers. Like, you know, you could all, like before we had computers in virtual reality, there was a guy going, what if we're just like an imagination in a guy's head? And then, but it doesn't sound as smart. Yeah, I know. Just throw computers on it. Everything sounds so fucking smart.

It's so goddamn dumb. It all began and, oh no, excuse me, I'm terrified about being judged. However, after finally finding the Dixho, I know that this is a safe space for men to share their dirtiest stories of their kinkyest of sexual trists. Whoa, that's the truth.

Kinkyest and most disgusting sexual trists. Have you listened to these? Some of these ladies? Yes. Have you been through that? Right? This is how guys, I mean, this is what happens. I mean, I don't know if I've had similar experiences. Is it because your dad's going to listen to the show? You've never had a guy, what was the last time a guy? What was the last thing a guy did he like, ran home with no underpants on or something like that? Oh yeah, I don't remember. It all began in 1997 when I was a sophomore in college

at the school of visual arts in Manhattan. I was born in Korea and I'd only lived in America for one year. My English was, so his name is Kulu Kudo. Oh, okay. Kudo. Thought it was KU, L.O. and you you're no. Oh, that's Sean. I don't make those kinds of jokes. My English wasn't very good. So I had a difficult time landing

my flying lotus in any of the American strange. Okay. You got a problem right here. You don't refer to your penis as a flower ever. No, ever. Train trains planes automobiles. That's how you refer to your dick. I got a bitch. I got a 737. You got to raise those up rides because I'm bringing it on and for landing trains. I got a big old Tom is the tank. You're so right. You're so right on that. Just delivery for tuna town. Mr. Topham hat set me right. To the town. That's fucked up. That's where it flying Lotus.

No, what do you mean that's fucked up? What do you call it? Mr. Topham hat said that. I don't speak back to that guy. Thomas get over here. You got this, we got a big old delivery. Automobiles, ramrod. This is what not flotuses.

Say car ramrod. Say car ramrod. You don't say, baby, will you just put your, will you just kiss my rose petals? Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha. All right, that's just some ESL, that's just some ESL tips for you, for me,

because they're not gonna teach you that stuff in school. You go around describing your penises of flour to American women. American women are very, they're very, they're very fickle. As soon as they, you know, it's not like back in North Korea or the Korea where this guy's from where you could talk, you could say whatever you want and women don't have a choice. The American women have, it sucks to say, but they have choice.

You can't be referring to your dick as a flower. Mm-hmm. Have you ever done that? No, what's the biggest fuck up you've ever done in bed? Biggest fuck up? Yeah, like this guy. Like what's the biggest about it? Yeah.

Sure, there's been a number. We'll read, I'll think about it. Okay, think about it. What about you? What's the biggest fuck up a guy's ever done? I'll have to think about it. Okay. Think about it. What's what about you? What's the biggest bug up guys ever done? I'll have to think about it like the horrible the worst the weirdest dirty talk You've ever gotten oh my gosh. Yes, this is the biggest fuck. Okay. Let's hear it. You guys This guy dated every time that he came he would whimper

Like what do you mean whimper? What, he would whimper. What? What do you mean, whimper? What's... He would like, like, like, so when he got every time, well, it only happened twice because I just went back. Twice, he got a repeat. Well, just when I wanted to know, like, he wasn't, like, was he really doing that? Did that really happen?

Was it not? Like that? So I'd try it out another time. Like the guy from Boardwalk and Lyre, when I swore off Dolphin Sets. Super cute, super cute. He was super cute too. And he just whimpered.

Whimpered. I, which has happened, like I thought he got hurt or something. Oh, he's got, like he's going, like oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I'ma, here we go, oh yeah. And then that. And then that. That's what he tagged in the Pillsbury Doe Boy. Yeah, I'ma here we go. Oh yeah. And now. And now. Hahaha. Hahaha. So he tagged in the Pillsbury Doe Boy.

Hahaha. Hahaha. That's the biggest one. Oh, bitch. Um, God. And then no more. No more. Did you give him a reason?

No more. Did you say, hey, buddy, stop fucking whimpering when you. Yeah. I didn't bring it up. It was awkward. What a selfish. How? You help a guy out.

You have got to know. I would tell a guy, if he was banging me and I was making weird sounds, I would say, dude, hey, knock that shit off. Like that shit off. What are the other things that I could do? I could squeak toy over here. Yeah, but it can't come in here and whack your balls.

Ah, that's what I would do. If I was, hey buddy, buddy, buddy. Did my cat come in a wacky room? Because you're making weird sounds. I don't like it. It's not a turn on. Not at all. I go overcompensate.

Yeah, I go like, ah! Ah! Okay, I've experienced one of those too. Yeah, it's great. It's great for me. I get enjoyment out of it. That's why I do it. I'm not here to put on a theatrical performance for you.

I'm here. At that point, I just commit. I'm out for mine. I'm getting this. I'm making it my fantasy. Where I go, I get like a sort of omens. I go thunder, thunder, thunder! Windows, that's what I do.

It's like the beginning of this show. Oh, man. Oh, dun, dun, dun, dun, I play the, I have the soundtrack keyed up on my phone. Thundercats are go, you got the hair. Chicks are usually pretty into it. Landing my flying lotus in any of the American Strange. We're not past that yet, okay.

It's paragraph two. Noticing my desperation to meet a girl, my buddy Frank told me his sister was coming back from college to move in with her parents after a failed semester. Hey, how about you fuck my sister? I said no guy ever. I hate it.

Kudos. I hate it. Said the cultural thing. And Korea, they just trade them around. I hate it. You want to, you want to fuck over here? Which sister you like? Not in America.

No. In America. That doesn't happen. Yeah. We got, you can't let your women out of out of sight because of these choices. They're allowed to make me. Yeah. Yeah. Because of these choices. He said that she was a nice girl and that we'd get along. Through his through his thick Brooklyn accent, he explained my sister's it. Oh, well, thick Brooklyn, hey, like I got a car over here,

I said, hey, I'm walking over here, right? My sis is a cool girl, but a bit odd, very artistic. Just like yeah, she's really smart, paint's real good. You got that artistic, she's very artistic. Yeah, real smart, paint Mm. She's very artistic. Yeah. Real smart, paints real good. Equals artistic, okay? Just want to tell you what's going on.

It's she's artistic, Sean. Like you get in your car. Got it. You go to the star. I don't know if that's a real one. That's Boston. That's Boston? Yeah, car. All right.

Brooklyn. So I figured what the heck I was single and was clearly looking to mingle. So he said it. So he set it up. The day came and we met for coffee. To my surprise, no Lotus, no rhyming, no rhyming. To my surprise, actually I don't know,

maybe you should rhyme. Guy ever, you rhymed with rice. That's right. And that was sexy as hell. Lacey remembered it from an hour ago. She's still playing it over mine, thinking about whimpering guys coming. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Can you imagine that if everybody did that? I experienced it. I can't imagine it. Oh. Oh.

Girls can get away with anything though. Like, what are you guys? We're not judging you when you come, doing anything weird. How weird would it have to be where it's a problem for a girl? I don't know, you tell me. What for a guy to have a problem with a girl? Yeah, when she's not weird to do something weird, not at all.

So she just can't imagine anything that weird happens. Does that not do anything? You know, that weird happened. Cause I don't do anything. There's good. You know? That's why. Everything. Oh my gosh. Great. Thanks.

Thanks a lot. Thanks for the effort. Oh God. The button now. The day came and we met for coffee. Oh God, the button now. The day came and we met for coffee. To my surprise, she was rather strange looking, but not entirely unattractive. Her breasts were large.

And her hair was messy. A feature I always found attractive in American women. Y'all got messy ass hair, let's see. Guy and Korea. Well, I mean, Koreans, their hair's usually straight, right? I've never seen a curly hair. Korean? Korean.

What about Karatop? He's Korean. Oh, really? But she also had, she also had, she also had some other odd features. There was something unique about her, her dismopholically wide forehead and eyes. Oh no. Nothing wrong with a wide forehead. Nothing wrong. Nothing wrong with a wide forehead and eyes. Oh no.

Nothing wrong with a wide forehead. Nothing wrong. Nothing wrong with a wide forehead. Her right arm was bent up, nestled inside her large breasts. Wow, that was weird. I walked up to her and my thick Korean accent said, how do you do without making eye contact with me. She grunted and smiled.

A small amount of saliva dripping between her succulent lips. We began to talk and I asked to see her artwork. She showed me, and to my surprise, they were strange surrealist images drawn in crayon with an overlay of finger paints. Then it hit me. She was not very artistic like me. She was very autistic. My friend had mistaken my language barrier and social awkwardness for mental retardation. So he says, so he hooked him up with this. Just like, real? Like I said, this is real. Oh my God. I felt ill and needed to escape into the night.

I made my excuses and bailed. A few days went by and she shows up at my dorm. I was shocked. Frank must have told her where I lived. I was embarrassed, but I felt I needed to come clean as to why I left in such a hurry. You see, despite finding her attractive, I felt wrong and making the moves on my friend's autistic sister knowing full well that I was not mentally handicapped. However, I guess you know this frank guy for whatever, like, a year's like, he's to,

oh my god. However, I soon learned something that shook my entire outlook on the situation. We began to talk and she told me things about herself that shocked me. You see, Dick, her autism power, sucking dick. Oh my goodness. She pleased the cock with the laser focus of a top-autistic listing off Thomas the Tank Engine facts or recreating Westeros in Minecraft.

Her autistic fixation was the pleasure of fucking men. She knew every position, every sexual detail that would make your head spin. She went at it with the enthusiasm only a top artist could possess. She would trace my cock with her tongue like Stephen Wittschire drawing New York from memory. She'd count the drops of his like brain man counting cards in the air. This is horrible. To make this lecture as active and more dirty, I got off on her obsessive tendencies.

She feared there were still juice left in my balls. She would often insist on banging me again until my orgasms were dry, just to make sure she'd get out of her last drop. So it began a six month whirlwind of debauchery. Every day, my love for her grew. Sadly, the serotic story has a sad ending. She developed autism-related ASD,

quickly passed away. What the hell was that? I don't know. I don't know. So this, to this day, I am still chasing the mind-blowing orgasms of my dearest, sincerely cruel. Sad story. Well... The Dixia's thing I've ever heard really cruel sad story. Well, the first thing I've heard

It's a real No judgment here. All right, let me see if low taxes on get some news Somehow the universe is going to create hell and that's where we're all headed Antisac girls need love to dude Six month relationship It's talking about her drooling. It's probably spicing that up. Well, my problem is, okay, it's autism. We're not talking down syndrome, right?

Okay, because this is a very different, and that's why he can't tell. He's painting a picture that is not as too far. It's a little far. It's a bridge too far. Yeah, it's leading me to the wrong conclusion. You too? Yeah, I think we do.

Because he even says he felt bad about it. Yeah. That he wasn't, he was mistaken for being mentally handicapped. Ha ha ha. Maybe he is. This is a, this is a a possibility quite a conundrum Good on you Coral

Coral Chinese refering to his dick as a flower. We don't know all bets are off We don't know this guy's the story you're right I Mean as far as I figure, you are, at all times, you are on your level. Whatever you're doing, that's where you belong. You're not better than those people. You're not whatever you think, because that's what you're doing.

Because it's what you're doing. That's what you're doing. So, this is where you end it up. Your friend paired you up with this girl. You don't want to be on that level. Do something on another level. Don't feel bad. You're there.

You ended up there. All right, fuck. We'll wait for low text. Lacey, let's hear some news. Let's hear some news. Enough of this gross eroticism. I've got a lot of Asian news, so I'm glad. So Kuro will be interested.

So now I read these stories and these guys seem like bad guys. And are they? Is this guy a bad guy for doing this? If she's of like sound mind. No, I mean, she clearly, she enjoyed it. It's not like it hadn't been done to her before. She sounds like she's really active in it. Yeah, no.

I mean, I think whatever initial impression I got is offset by the, she's, this is her thing. You're making it bad in your head because you are bad. Right, that's why. This guy is telling the truth. Yeah, it's you're the sick one. That's right, I think that's my way. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I'm serious. That's right. I think that's my way. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Okay, so you know that old racist myth that Asian drivers are bad. I'm sorry. I have a problem with all three of those words. All right, so. Myth, racist myth. Old racist myth. That's what leads the fake news. It's like meant this week.

What do you mean? Just listen, listen. Okay. About to clear up the myth for you. Okay. Myth busted. Myth busted. We put, we put a hundred old Asian ladies

in the Indy 500 this year, just to disprove this myth. Just to prove that they can kill a stadium. Why? No survivors. just to disprove this myth, just to prove that they can kill a stadium. No survivors, a crowd of 400,000 all dead. All right. Well, a prankster hacked a digital traffic sign located in Napa Valley or the 4th of July to read caution Asian driver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why he decided to go with that message over the fourth.

Larry. But the myth that I can do bunk is that in 2011, a study from Canada published in the Accident Analysis Prevention revealed that Asian and Indian drivers are less likely to be involved in a car crash versus long-term residents. What? By percentage? I don't have the percentage, I don't have the percentage, but they less likely. Less likely. Who was the most likely? Again, don't. Information, I just know

that it was debunked. Sure, it's all. But I haven't. I'm sure they get involved last, but everybody else is equal too. I didn't even know they had. I didn't know they had a lot of. I'm sure they're I didn't know they had a lot of them. I'm sure they're in a lot of what? In Canada. They do in Toronto. Toronto's got a big Asian population. Huh. Yep.

The car crash capital of the world. Toronto. Who do you think is the worst driver? Women. What? What? Default. Women old people.

Asian. My sister was driving. My sister was driving up here She's got a big SUV. She's got kids and you know, yeah If you're women in the suburbs need a need a 7,000 pound car to drive around I have an SUV, okay? And she's right she's getting to this point where she's like now when she's driving around because she's a mom now She's so tense and she grips the wheel on both sides

and sticks her head out, because that somehow makes concentrating easier as she's driving down the mountain from the bunker. She's like, yeah, but then she's got her face on 12. It's like hands on three and nine, face nose on 12. That's how my sister drives now. And I'm saying she's got these two boys in the back seat,

like you can't be driving like that in front of your sons. They're gonna, you're gonna, like, and before you know it, you're gonna be the mom that can't drive in the fast lane anymore in the freeway and then doesn't use the freeway and then doesn't drive anymore.

Like you better knock that shit off. You can't, this is not a safe way to drive. No. With your fucking head sticking out, like coming out of the mouth of the alien, the little alien in his mouth, like he, with your head going like, eeehh.

This is, this is the phase of a person who gets in wreck. Yeah. Not, not sitting up straight and normally. Yeah. Who do you think is the worst drivers? I would say old people. They bugged. Old people.

My grandpa drives both feet. Yeah. Both feet every time. He's both feet and he's got this car that's got like an auto starter on it. Or you don't have to put the key in the ignition. So every fucking time that him and my grandma come to my parents' house, they leave the car on every time. So every time my mom and dad have to go,

like constantly, every time they get home, they have to go back out and check at the car still on, every time it's on. Every time, like they can't, they can't figure out how to turn the car on and off anymore. They don't remember decades of driving cars where you had to turn on and off the key. Well, but there's no key anymore.

It's just a little fob that you have in your pocket and then you press a button to start it and then they get out and they're like, oh, I got the key, so it's drive somebody else's car. Must be off, can't stay on by magic. I recently left my car on sucked. I was so mad at myself. Running, I went to work out and hopped out too quick.

I was running late. Yeah. On third street, just running my car, just sitting there, open for anyone today. I don't know who's the worst. Like this, this seems like one of these facts that somebody just knows and they won't say, like all the insurance companies, who's the worst driver? Just say it. Just fucking say it. Well, you know, we got these stats. I think there are. Stat, I'll look them up. We need to look them.

I don't think you'll get those. Yeah. No, no, no. I don't think they release that kind of stuff. That's illegal. You can't talk like that in this world. Talking about who's a shitty driver of what gender arrays you can't do that.

Okay, what's next? All right, so North Korea calls their missile that they just launched on the 4th of July, a gift. And here about that, did you hear about that? No. All right, so on July 4th, North Korea successfully launched an intercontinental ballistic missile that could reach Alaska.

According to Vice, Kim Jong-un personally oversaw the launch. You can see the pictures are online, serviced gazing giddily at that missile. The dictator continued to poke his little Pudgy fingers at the US by taunting the missile launch as a package of gifts for American bastards. Oh, my God. How cruel is that?

Why would he? What on July 4th? I think that guy's a genius. Just always pushing the envelope. Kim Jong-un. Yeah, Kim Jong-un. Yeah, I'm like whatever. Yeah, I launched a fucking missile.

I could hit a laske. Yeah, what do you gonna do about it? New S. On Independence Day, are you serious? It's hilarious. It's been launching a bunch of missiles lately. Yeah. Most of them have been flying some distance.

Some of them don't. That guy's got a plan. I can't figure out bunch of missiles lately. Yeah. Most of them have been flying some distance. Some of them don't. That guy's got a plan. I can't figure out what his plan is. But I know he's got a plan and no one else does. He's trying to get enough attention to get on South Park. More. Yeah. To get on South Park more.

What's the end game to that? I don't know. He's just feeling ignored. Like I, this is terrible to say, but I want to see his plan kind of, I want to see, I kind of want to see a workout for him. I just want to see him continue treading the line and maybe get a couple of little wins.

He's not of a keep, he killed his brother off. He's been launching missiles left and right. Yeah. Killed his brother, we weren't able to do that. Well, I don't think we're trying to kill his brother off. He's been launching missiles left and right. Yeah. Killed his brother. We weren't able to do that. Well, I don't think we're trying to kill his brother. No. We should have been.

Shut up. But I'm saying he's giving little gifts. It's like they're running it to come. I mean, they're just running like a prison camp for people, right? A countryside prison camp for cannibals and criminals and rape. Like they're purposefully committing more atrocities against humanity than anybody else on Earth.

It's like, okay, so let's just kill them. Well no, we're gonna negotiate them. Okay, then I hope they win. Like that's what you get for being such a tremendous pussy about it. Oh, they're really bad. So kill them. Well, but they're friends with China, so what's China gonna do? Nothing.

They don't care. You just have to do it. You have to seize, you have to take it. And that's what he's doing. Every time, I'm gonna shoot at this, shoot at this Japanese sub, whatever. Ah. What are you guys gonna do? We never do anything.

Never do anything. Of course, you're gonna do it again. That's how it works. That's what I would do. That's what you would do. That's what you would do. Oh, tell a guy not to giggle when he's coming. He's gonna do it again. He's gonna giggle twice. He's gonna giggle the whole time. Who's gonna like Woody Woodpecker? What am I getting fucked by Woody Woodpecker up here? What were you gonna say? He's gonna say Trump's been up in the redder egg lately. Yeah, well, you know, good. Yeah, I wonder what'll happen.

I don't know, but you just, if you, I think for a long time, there's been, it's, it had to have been talked about for a long time and plans put in place and things like that to take him out, but had nothing's been, either hasn't worked out or they haven't pulled the trigger on it, so to say. Yeah, I think worked out or they haven't pulled the trigger on it. Yeah. I think the problem is you got to take a lot of people out.

Yeah. Like because he's, I bet, I bet that all of his antics, all of Kim Jong Un's antics are to keep power, not like when he does stuff like that. He's showing his general. He's like, look, you do not fuck with me because I'm fucking with the US. He's like in prison day. He, that guy wakes up every day. He's and he's like every day. He's got to survive till tomorrow.

Well, also trying to have a good time and he just have to forget that. He does have a good time. He could probably be having if he didn't have to worry so much about getting killed from everybody. He would be having a better time. One would think. But he can't because one of those other guys gets in. Maybe they're worse. You got to wipe them all out. But he can't, because one of those other guys gets in, maybe they're worse. You gotta wipe them all out. But then what?

Then what? I don't know. It's the family line. So we're gonna choose the third, so. Sucks. That's for sure. So he's basically ordained by God. So nobody else is.

So it's like, Yeah. He's an asshole, right? He's a pretty big asshole. He's an asshole. He's like human rights right? He's a pretty big asshole. He's an asshole. He's like human rights violation, but you're horrible. He's an asshole. He's an asshole.

Let's kill him. I can't do that. Why? Huh? He's going to win. At least, like, at least I can say, I told you so. Because I know what he is. Like, he's doing all, he's doing all the right moves for what you're giving him

China doesn't give a fuck Whatever they got a little guy they just got it is North Korea their version of Israel Because we just have them to fuck with other people, but maybe they just have they have North Korea fuck with us Ah, I don't know it's an interesting take I don't know. That's an interesting take. Israel comes up everybody. Oh, I don't care about Israel. I'll talk about Israel.

Let's not talk about Israel. Okay, what do you got? All right. So moving on to some sports news, still affiliated with North Korea. Dennis Rodman recently sat down with Michael Strahan on Good Morning America to send Donald Trump a message that they can work together to make progress in North Korea. He's not that bad. I thought he was a cool guy. He's got that funky hair. He banged Carmen Electra. Oh, it's a hell of a record. Going over there, partying with Kim Jong-un. He says the Koreans are really nice.

Great people. North Koreans. Oh, they're, it's just country-wide slave camp. What the fuck is he talking about? There's no, there's no negotiating with anybody. It's like sending a missionary into barter town. Hey, go figure out if you can, hey, we got 10 kindergarteners with jazz hands.

We're sending them over to negotiate with master blaster from barter town. See if they come back with, see if any of them come back with heads. Like, what are you talking about? It's a fucking, the whole country is a slave camp. Just take him out. Nobody listens to me. Nobody ever listens to me. Nobody ever listens to me. My bright ideas.

I'll do it myself. I've been saying it. He's too useful probably. Who knows? Who knows? This seems like bullshit. I wanna know. I do wanna know. Yeah. So we've been dicking around. Molly pussy footing around for so long. He's been a problem for, I mean, you know,

his dad was a problem for a long time. He's been a problem for a long time. It's like, I do a fucking, yeah. Why the fuck do we have all this stuff for? Sick, I'm gonna use it. Just sick of hearing about it. Me too. Take it over.

Fuck it. So that's some of the camps free, you know. Have a good news. Have a good headline for once. Yeah. Kim Jong-un. Shot. Fixed it. All right. I know you didn't, but that's cool. Happy Fourth of July. Okay. So in the event that a missile does launch and make it over here. Yeah. The US Federal Emergency Management Agency released an emergency supply checklist for those interested in preparing for a nuclear bomb explosion. According to Brook Buttermeyer. A gun number one on the things you need to prepare for because you don't get a list. That should that's the entire list is a gun. That's just how you prepare for the apocalypse, one gun,

and then you just take everything else that you need from all the fucking morons that went by the list and did not get a gun. Okay, so according to an expert in the event that a nuclear explosion happens, if you're still around to a, where LA or anywhere anywhere any big major city. Okay. They're all the same.

Bismarck North Dakota. If any nuclear bomb hits any city, this is the guidelines. Got it. Stay indoors for the first 48 hours. Don't try to outrun anything because all the radiation and everything coming through the vents, you have to stay inside. These people got fucking paid to come up with this. Do they know how any of that works? It doesn't sound like it at all.

I don't think they understand. That's their nuclear bomb hits. Stay inside for two days. Listen to the checklist. It sounds like a tank camping checklist. I swear to God. Okay. One gallon of water for three days, each three days that you're inside. Food, three day supply, non-perishable, and a can opener. Paper cups, plates, towels, and

plastic utensils. You don't have utensils at your house. Right. This is crazy. Battery-powered radio, flashlight with extra batteries. First aid kit, whistle, desk mask, sleeping bag. A whistle, why? Okay, so you need a call for help. No, that's the last thing you want is a whistle. People think it's a nuclear holocaust and some assholes playing soccer. What the fuck?

That would be happening. Changes of clothing, a fire extinguisher. Why do you need clothes? Some assholes playing soccer. What the fuck? That would be happening. Changes of clothing, a fire extinguisher. Why did he close? Books, games, and puzzles. Who wrote this list? The woman? Books came, games, and puzzles.

It came from a business insider. And there were over 130,000 views on it. Who wrote it? I don't have his name. I could look it up easily. It's a him. Do you want me to give it a view? Yes.

Puzzles. Load up on your puzzle. Yeah. Crossword puzzles. Oh yeah, I'll be packing plenty of crossword puzzles for the apocalypse. Dave Mosher, business insider. July 6, 2017.

This is what we're getting from business insider. That's what I was saying. I was just completely blown away. Dumb. Okay. Is anything fun? What would you pack? One gun.

Well, that's the end of the day. One gun and I would print out all of my favorite porn movies to have like a little flip book. That's what I would have. It would be the man with the gun and the porn flip book. And when I went around the apocalypse, killing people and taking their stuff, I would flip through my little porno book

that to get in their minds. You know? What do you got there? Just a, just a, just a Lucy Wild, GIF that I printed out made into this. Leave one on each dead person's forehead. Yeah.

And then somebody tries to assemble the whole book. So you're calling card. That's what I do. That's what I spend all my to assemble the whole book. It's your calling card. That's what I do. That's what I spend all my time in the apocalypse doing, trying to print out porn oh movies. Probably true. I probably would. You find like a million printers,

but they're out of one of the four colors. Yeah. I won't print at all. I give my hand an old hard drive. Oh, he's my gen-dum. Man, this looks like a real porn ohy hard drive. I'm gonna print out. I've been exploring the cash.

Right? Yeah. We heard tales of this guy who had a huge stash of porno. So I go on a spill-unking expedition to get the hard drive out and then get it to the CDC so I could print out and then turns out it was cheered fogels. No! No!

That's what I would do. What would you do? It's all autism-born. I mean, what would you... I got to figure out a large percentage of life would focus around still trying to have sex in the apocalypse. What is that just go away?

I don't think so. I'm not really interested in building a bunch of stupid power stations. Like, I don't care. Society's done. I'm done. I don't give a shit. Yeah, but what about building rebuilding it? No. That fuck them. We are talking about a city, not the world, right? Well, that's doing your part.

If one, if a city, if one city goes, the whole world's going. Okay, that's it. It better, it better. It better. If we leave, if one US city gets knocked out, the whole thing better go. Yeah. It better be, nook, nook, nook, nook, nook, nook, nook,

like I want to see Trump like the Phantom of the Opera hitting those new clonch keys. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, the whole thing. Ask questions later. Okay. Okay. Move on.

What would you bring on Boglips? A guitar? Like a nylon string acoustic guitar? Yeah, that'd be my first, first and last on my list. So I could use it for firewood the first night. No, I could fucking weapons. Weapons are a must. What would you use, nice?

Well, yeah, no, you need a gun. Yeah. But you need like an axe. You need a good sturdy pocket knife with shit in there. Sturdy pocket knife. I drive around with a pocket knife in my car, and I can't tell you how many times I use it. Really?

Fuck yeah. Why? Coast has that too. I've never needed a knife in my pocket. Man, you just find you're trying to like open something or just, it's pocket knives are like fidget spinners for men I always thought. They kind of are. They kind of are. I don't, it's, pocket magic like fidget spinners for men. I always thought that.

They kind of are. They kind of are. I don't think they have any use. What do you use it for? I have cleaned off a corroded battery terminal with it. Okay. Sounds like you're living in the apocalypse already. I have, I had a CD jam in the CD player a while ago.

So you prided out with a pocket knife? No, like there's little tweezers on there. Oh, Okay. Got it in there. Turn it, pulled it out. It was all good. Yeah. Okay. Fucking nice for you. You carry on your weapons list. No. No. The other weapon list. Okay. What's next? All right. So moving on to some condiver news. A surgeon aims to do the first human full body transplant after reading Frankenstein. Why did they put Frankenstein? Frankenstein. About reading Frankenstein.

Why could it not just be a straight transplant into another body? Sean, it's a metaphor for industrialization. That's what it is. It's got nothing to do with a man doing a medical practice. Why would the fuck did they put that in there? Cause he was a fire. Guys doing a full body transplant. Oh, interesting.

After reading Frankenstein, like what did the man was inspired to- He had been studying the transplant for 10 years. He read the book. What do you mean, what the fuck is a full body transplant? It's another body transplant. Okay. So I'll explain it to you.

Yeah. Okay. So the neurosurgeon named Sergio Canavero claims that he will complete the world's first full body transplant this year in China and revealed that the fictional doctor for Victor Frankenstein inspired his research in future plans. The full body transplant was clear.

Why would he describe his medical research to the definition of hubris? Like Frankenstein, the monster that comes to life and doesn't he kill Dr. Frankenstein? Does that happen? He runs a muck going crazy. He runs a muck going crazy. He runs a muck going crazy. Yeah. Like, hey, you're the number one NFL draft pick. Who do you, I'd like to say.

I never finished that book. I never finished that book. OJ Simpson, I never finished it. Okay, buddy. Why don't you take all the horrifying technological abominations off the table for the next press conference? So what does it be, what are they transplant? Transplanting bodies.

Rum what, your head, your brain. So the full body transplant involves clearing a damaged spinal cord of its injury by cutting out the injured segments of the cord. Then the donor's cord will be cut into the perfectly replaced those segments of the missing portion of the injured person, and then the two healthy pieces will be fused together by this glue, he refers to it as glue. So it's a spinal cord.

That encourages self-defense. That's spinal graft. Basically. So. Yeah, just making headlines. Poor full body. I'm gonna start doing that. Announcing, imagining,

he's conducting the experiment on two humans. It's a Chinese national who has not been identified and then a branded organ donor. Volunteers? Volunteers. Yeah, okay. The head of the anonymous Chinese people will be attached to the donor's body. Mm-hmm. That'd be cool.

I'd like to see some people who walk in around whose heads don't match their body. Yeah. What I mean, that'd be fun. It's hilarious. Usually you see medical precision, like, oh, I can't look at that. I don't make me feel bad. I feel bad for that guy. Like, something's wrong with them. But I'd like to see some funny, weird, headed assholes, like a big fat guy with a woman's head. I was on the donor list. We don't prioritize by gender. That's just who got in a car wreck that day. So I had to get this big fat guy's body. I woke up with a new, with getting my head transplanted

is a big ol' fat guy. Your wife comes out, you know, like a photo shop. How does that work? Like do you remember things from your body? So yeah, okay. So the woman's head would be on the fat guy. There's no way that's going to work. Why?

Didn't you see Frank decide? The need for guys going to be brain dead. There's no way the spinal fusion. If the person, I don't even know what the fuck they're doing. Lacey will work. You'll be walking around very soon, seeing big fat men. What the fuck with beautiful women's heads on them?

What's happening right now? What's next? Anyone is? Yes. I guess Lotte's eggs isn't calling in. All right. So moving on to pop culture, music news. Gene Simmons tried to trademark an iconic rock hands gesture.

Do you hear about this? Rock hands gesture? What gesture? Well, like Gene Simmons did? Like a devil. Because nobody had fucking asked for. That's it.

Yeah. He tried to trademark that. He tries to trademark everything. Does he? He's a real like, I heard somebody. People do that. Damon Wayans tried to trademark the N word. What is like a statement.

I don't know. It's one of those things. I have that kind of thought. But I don't know if it was for a statement or literally if it's like um, March on Lynch trademark beast mode. That I understand. Yeah. But it was like that was something he didn't come up with that. Yeah. Like Matt Kimp on the Dodgers was saying it seasons before he was. Yeah. And so like if it was just like, oh, nobody's trademark trademark. Yeah.

Trademarks trademarks exactly That guy so he's trying to gene Simmons is trying to trademark Like the like the devil horns, right. It's devil horns or means. I love you and sign language Well, that also means it's a gesture and some better training cultures for when a wife is cheating on a husband to let them know. That happens so often that they need a hand symbol like the Navy seals to let the guy know that the wife is cheating on the husband. How often do you need to tell your buddy that? Well, he's a little paranoid culture. Hey buddy, you got your wife's might be cheating on you. Watch out. Hands up. Why can't you just tell it? Why do you have to Hey buddy, you got your wives might be cheating on you.

Watch out. Hands up. Why can't you just tell it? Why do you have to gesture that? That's easier. It behind your back. Your hand plausible to not be. See your mouth, your mouth is way up here by your brain. So that's, it's you, but my hands are way out here.

They could be doing anything. I have very, as the further it gets away from me, the responsibility exponentially drops off. Two feet, three feet away. I don't know what these hands are doing. Jurkey, not, whoa, I'm not doing that. We're in a nice restaurant. Oh yeah, who's dick is that?

It's attached to me, but it's all the way down there. This stuff, my eyes, my mouth, that's me. Everything else? Mind of its own. Mind of its own. I knew somebody who met Gene Simmons and he said he had like a kiss merch table on the way out of his house. I think he had a fucking gift shop on the way out of his house.

It wouldn't surprise me. I've heard he's very money-grubbing. Oh, I think it's always what he's been about. But I don't think he's ever tried to say it was anything else. No. It was kind of sacks. Money and chicks.

Well, those two don't go together. So pick one or the other and I think it's money. Like you're saying it's money and chicks, I think it's money. Yeah. Yeah. They don't go together. He's done well. No doubt about it.

What else? Yeah, moving on to pop culture, political news. We all woke up to some great tweets from Trump this morning. We did? Did you guys see it? You haven't seen them? No. So, fresh off the G20 summit, Trump fired up his Twitter fingers and tweeted early this morning

about his version of Real News and commented on his two-hour meeting with Vladimir Putin. He says, I strongly pressed President Putin twice about the Russian meddling in our election. He even mentally does nigh is it? I've already given my opinion. Dot, dot, dot, dot. Clearly running out of space on what is the pinnacle.

It's what a feeling of Twitter. Right. Okay. We negotiated a ceasefire in parts of Syria, which will save lives. Now it's time to move forward and working constructively with Russia. Okay. That's actually one of the most well thought out. Yeah. Together. Tweet. That's how you're like a I'm with Russia with Russia.

I mean, they're a dominant. You can't. Global superpower. What do you mean they're built off corruption? Or are you? I'm sorry. Where do you live?

In where every single thing we build, where we spend millions of dollars on a demonetizing domestic violence. Are you seriously think that for real, that in Russia, it is not illegal to beat your spouse? They see that can't possibly be true. Whatever that was presented as, cannot possibly be true.

A bunch of Russians are sitting around and now all of a sudden, because Putin signed a law, they're like, well, it's time to go home and beat the shit out of our wives are they are they I've been doing it and if they've been doing it they've been fucking doing it the bill is a penalty so they don't have to stay in jail for that long what exactly was done oh I am I'm sure it wasn't now it's legal to beat women

right like right off the how can you work with Russia Putin wants everyone to beat their wives and give me a fucking price? So listen how he wants to work with it. Putin and I discussed forming an impenetrable cyber security unit Election hacking and many other negative things will be guarded and say good Hey you there. Well, hey, I'm gonna go away from you. Watch my steak. Yeah, watch my steak Good the crazy. I'm gonna go away from you. Watch my stake. Yeah. Watch my stake. Good. Thank God our democracy isn't getting hacked next time. It's so fucking ridiculous. It is. I thought we were, I thought we were going to be buddies with Russia again. And we're not. No, they did nothing What's one thing they ever did to us?

Well, they've meddled in the elections like you know. Oh, then they meddled. What, you think like a bunch of Russians came up with one good ad for the election? The ads win elections and that's it. Fucking ads. Yeah, I'm not saying it changed the outcome. I don't know that they have any proof of that. Meddled. Like Scooby Doo. Well, like we do it too.

Do it in the metaling Russians. We do it too. We've installed leaders in other countries. Yeah. I don't see what the big deal is. Like so white. Well, you really wanted Hillary to win that bad. You didn't win. Ah, but they, they meddled. Like, yeah, but you kind of still would have, like, maybe lost. Like, so, so what? So, like, the numbers went by a couple percentages and that's like, oh my God, it's such a huge deal.

It's such a huge deal that our candidate didn't win because of Russia. Like, you know, still, still many tens of millions of people came out for one of the other It's not like there's not some great crisis even if it moved a little bit who fucking cares It was basically one of those two Bay it was basically one of the other and you lost and that's that's it too bad But it's not like it's not like somebody stole your fucking dog.

It's not like you woke up the next day and a space alien is president. It's like, no, you saw it coming a month. You should have been thinking the whole time that maybe the other guys win because that's the whole fucking point of the system is that either any given Sunday, either side could win. Oh, but they hacked it, they hacked it.

Like, okay, so then you still just kind of lost by a little bit. Like, it's not, I wouldn't, I would be, I don't even, I wouldn't even be pissed if we lost. Like, when, when, when Bob, I'm a one all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, man, I'd like to see the birth certificate too. I don't care, but you know, I think it's funny that they're kind of digging with it, but whatever. I don't care, still president. Like, I don't care if but you know, I think it's funny that they're fine. It kind of dig them with it, but whatever. I don't care.

Still president. Like I don't care if he was born in Kenya. I just think it's funny. It's just funny. It doesn't, it doesn't matter where the fuck he was born. I don't care. Doesn't, it doesn't, he's president. It doesn't matter.

But I do want to, I want to see it just because I want him, I want some, I want him to have fucked up. I want somebody to have to say I fucked up and lied. That's it. Maybe that's what they're thinking too. They just want Russia, gonna say, you know, yeah, we did. And we were meddling a little bit.

I don't know why they would ever say that. Cause it's funny. I don't know why they would, yeah, well, yeah. Oh, you're right. We got us. We got us. We got us. We got us.

We did, we put out some AM radio ads in Ohio, the day of the election. Our top, our funniest Russians were working around the clock coming up with ads to pump into a already $2 billion spend and we did it. Yeah. And we sent some spearfishing emails to election officials.

We did that. Cause we want to trump to win. That's why. Thank you, Lacey, for coming in. You're going to open up your Twitter account. I understand. So we can see what's going on. Oh, yeah.

You're done throwing a fit on Twitter. This is from Scythus, the Dreadfather, the fingernail in Sean's story. Remember you were telling that story about the fingernail that you found in your soda last week? No, no. I was coach. No, no, no, I told the story. It was my sister in law.

It was your sister in law. So this guy says the fingernail in that story most likely came from the ice dispenser. Doesn't that make sense? Doesn't make sense. It can figure it out where it came through the plumbing. Ice dispenser. Never trust that ice in the soda fountain.

Because I poured in with like buckets and stuff. Yeah. I think I've seen them fill it up from behind. Yeah. It doesn't bash their hands up because it doesn't make it itself. They'll know there's a big ice machine, but you have to take it from that ice machine. No, no. Put it into the thing at the front.

Right. Right. I think it's right. So there you go. Mystery salt. All right, everybody. There has been the dick show. Um, I think maybe I've Larry on next week to bring in his poop, poop chips. Yeah. Do you see that? What did you hear about Larry's? I heard about it. What did he post? Something. Yeah, he sent me a picture of the poop chip. Oh, I didn't get one.

It looks, it looks gross. Yeah. I don't think it's poop though. Really? They like root chips. No, it's, uh, it's a tortilla chips, but there's some, he thinks there's a poop in the bag. Yeah. I don't think so though, because that would be too good. Nothing, nothing that good would ever happen to him. What if it was like a very small dead, like it started to grow the cob of the corn.

Yeah. And it just, you know, it got all malformed and diseased out. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it just fell you know, it got all malformed and diseased out. Yeah. You know what I mean? And just fell off in there. Could be. Not more likely that than poop. Maybe it's just like some chip that got like a, you know, how sometimes the

clumps of spices stick together. Oh, shit. Yeah. And they get tumbled around and burnt. And then it's just like a log of, and then they get cylindrical because they're spinning around. Yeah. They're tossing and basic. Yeah. Cause they just dump in a burnt, and then it's just like a log of, and then they get cylindrical, because they're spinning around. Yeah. They're tossing and basically,

because they just dump in a bunch. I think it's that. Okay. Larry thinks it's pooped though. He's looking for a payday. Yeah, he is. He'll be reading a new story about him next. Larry Blidener found the guy who found

guilty of fraud. He's got a poop fraud. Okay. This is been the Dix Show, everybody go to Dick.Show. Patreon.com slash the Dick Show. See you next Tuesday. You know, I got a bunch of stuff. Consuelo sent this in. Remember Consuelo's podcast? I thought he, I thought he quits. Now he's still sending them in.

He sent this one up for the anniversary, but I forgot to put it in a random time. Oh. You know who Consuelo is? My cleaning lady. Oh yes. She comes in here and does a podcast. So she's here. But isn't Consuelo's nephew?

Yeah. Yeah. Added him. He added another layer. Oh. Here's Consuelo's going. Hey, hello dick. My name is Ricardo. I'm the nephew of the lady who cleans your money-filled bunker,

and this is how I talk. I just wanted to congratulate you for your first anniversary of this awesome show. I'll show you how many times I received the weird stairs for laughing like a crazy person in the bus listening to the podcast. I also want to congratulate the best As Farmer of our time and the best co-host in the universe, Sean. Also, Asterios, Madcox, Denzel, Peach, Coach,

Denzel. It's really cool how organically this awesome community developed. And it's more awesome to say that I'm a part of it. So thank you for all, thank you for all the love. And here's to another 55 episodes more before you guys go to another wedding. Go talk to yourselves. Oh, man. Ricardo, right? Yeah. Yeah.

That would be, that would be pretty embarrassing if you and I got a big fan like that. At a wedding wedding and a wedding We terrible. I don't think you and I have ever gotten a fight now. That's like me and my best friend What no fights Just about what about other stuff. No, okay Wait what drunkenly, but Just like, wait what? Drunkenly, but that's not like, I was just about, yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Is it your Instagram? Yeah. Yes. That's like when like, put that in your jerk off contest Larry. It's like, no, it's okay for like, you know, like, uh, that's spicy news. Congressmen and people.

That's news. That's news. What did you say? Now, it's okay to say that, oh, well, I experimented with drugs or, you know, I, first it was like, I never inhaled. Like Bill Clinton couldn't even admit to smoking pot. And then it's like, well, when I was in college,

I did, it's like, no, you did some drugs. You did drugs. Just say it. Does it say it? Just say it, just say it, you kiss to your, yeah. I had a fess up. I knew I was just say it, you kiss too. Yeah. I had to press up. I need one more. I can't contain myself.

I've got to move some things around in the desk over here. It's fidgety. Oh God. I've seen it in a little bit of voicemail come down. All right. Dick, second rage. Micro managing, my girlfriend's fucking pill. Apparently it is not that important to her that I need to spend $400 in abortion every time.

We fucked up. So every time into it, oh, I was reaching out before a new packet, but then I felt like I was in a panache and a panache, not a big deal. I don't have a heart attack every time you say, oh, I missed a pillow. I don't know if I took a pillow today. I don't know if I did it. How about a system?

I mean, if you've got a type of doctor, you can join every three or four months, that's cool, but I'd rather not get it after. Hopefully, no other decades have such a clumsy girlfriend when it comes to the goddamn conversation. If they ever made a male pill, the, the amount of instruction following between the sex pills would probably be like 10% women not taking the pill correctly, probably to 0% of men not taking their pill correctly, 0%. Everything, I would have 20 alarms, like in the, like Doc Brown's house, in the beginning of the back to future, got a lot of back to future episodes to take my fucking pill every day.

But every single girl I've dated, hey, it's couldn't help but notice your birth control pills stopped at about the sixth this month and were on the 26th. Oh, well, you know, most of those are sugar pills just to keep you taking it every day. It's really only these that count. Let me tell you about what counts. It's me counting on you taking one of these fucking pills every day. I don't care if it's a sugar pill,

because first of all, I don't believe that you know. I'm not gonna, I don't believe you. I don't think they just made a grid of numbers for fun and then said, take them when you think you're supposed to because, but if you want to cut out all this business, if you don't want to take in that much sugar here, just put this one on this. Bounce her in.

Because you don't think that polar bears are real. So, wait, what? This guy called in a long time ago saying that his girlfriend thought that polar bears were invented by Coca-Cola to sell Coke products, that they were in an imaginary animal. She didn't know that polar bears were real. And I said, yeah, this person's responsible for taking their birth control pills every day. No, every day.

Every, there's no deviating from take it once a day. Want every day, same time. It would, guys would call each other. If there was a male pill, we would all call each other at exactly noon every day, bro. Did you take your pill? Did you take your pill, take it on the phone? I want you to FaceTime East.

I'm gonna watch you take your fucking pill. Lift up your tongue. Lift up your tongue. Let me see it. Take two. Just in case. Just in case. Just in case. Just in case the first one was a dud.

Prevince twins. Following instructions for the male pill, 100%. 100% of the time. Following instructions, I don't know what it is, but I bet you. I bet 10% of women report not taking the pill according to the instructions. I'm sure gets fucked up all the time, 10%.

I'm in that category. Ugh. It's hard to forget. Guy whimpering when he comes, that's weird, but not taking, but fucking up your birth control. How is it so, how is it hard to do? You forget sometimes. You forget, you forget.

Not me. Do you forget to brush your teeth? Do you ever forget to pay for a tab at a bar? Look, look, look at the locket out of here. No, I got this up to do. It's one of those things, right? It's something that you generally would work it into. Does not take very long to form a house.

Do you ever forget to put a shirt on when you moved the house? No. No. How do you forget to take your pill? I don't know. Somebody better not forget how to. I pill? I don't know. Somebody better not forget. I forgot. I forgot.

What's your system of taking it? What's it like? Do you just kind of hope that you remember every day? Try to like wake up and do it in the morning, but. That should just be a general goal. Just try to wake up in the morning. Try to alarm or anything like that. No, I'm not on the pill right now.

Okay, but I quit it because of that reason. I couldn't take it. Cause you can take it. And I just pull out methods fine. It's worked for thousands of years. Condoms work too. No, condoms actually are, I found out recently our, deadly. Most men are allergic to them.

Are they? Yeah, most. Most. Most men. What happens? Itchy. It makes them love less. Most men have this and they don't know.

They don't know that it's happening. There's no, there's no way for them to know, because they wouldn't, you know, no man would want to love a woman unless, but they use them and then their capacity for love diminishes over time. Yeah. And it's like the Grinch's heart, their cheapness increases. It's an allergy.

It's a scientific allergy that they found. My friend, a Chinese doctor was researching it. This is true. Really? Yeah. So, don't use condoms ever. Okay. Thanks for that, Tom.

This is, I do this for you. Thank you. Guys, I love using condoms. I use, I put them on my fingers. I use 11 condoms every time. I would use them all the time, because it's responsible, but I don't want my capacity for love

to be for you diminished in any way. Right. Because of this allergy that was recently discovered. So we gotta just not use, you gotta just not, I bet what I'm saying would work. You can totally talk yourself out of having to work on them with that stupid speech. Because it doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't matter the reasons.

People just need to hear a reason. And if it's fine, you know what I'm talking about? You know who's making the decisions. Women do that too. It's not their dick, it's their ovaries. It's an anatomy lesson for you, Sean, okay. Mm-hmm. They can't take the, God, it's the, and they never, the ones who can't take the pill

never get better at it. Ooh. They don't. No matter how many scares, never, they never, it never, it's like falling asleep while you're driving a car. You will immediately, you wake yourself up, you turn the radio on, you open the windows,

but you will immediately fall asleep again. It's like missing the taking the pill, they'll immediately not do it again. That guy's right. Hey, Dick, you know what makes me a rage? Is people from out of town pulling out their GPS and telling you how to navigate your hometown. Yeah.

I'm like, we're going this way. And they're like, no, go this way. I'm like, no, going this way. And they're like, no, go this way. I'm like, no, I'm not going that way. Well, GPS says it's faster. Motherfucker, I don't care. GPS says they're handing out $100 bills of the traffic light on that way. I know my hometown.

And I don't have to explain to you why this way is faster and GPS is wrong. You should have just given up as the sentence off the grew up in this town. I know where I'm going. Yeah. A GPS is starting to get shitty. Too many left turns.

I thought apps like Ways were trying to do away with that. Trying, but you know, they just say that. As soon as the company starts telling you what it's trying to do, they're not doing it. Yeah, they're not doing it. And though, you know what, they're not doing it. They're not doing it. And you know what? They know they're not. Because they can't even do on ways.

They can't even tell you the directions at the right time. Oh really? When you're approaching an intersection, it's like, oh, and 500 feet, make a right. Yeah. Or whatever, you, every single time. Last second. When A's girl is, I got the directions on her phone

because I'm bad with battery management, so she's always gotta be Jane on the spot with the charge phone in the directions. Every fucking time I say, okay is it right, is it right or left here? And then she'll have to look at it every time right after I ask, make a right from the thing, make a right. At the thing I was like, bump that up.

Half a second. It's how, how have you fucked this up? It's the only thing you have to do is just drive around with you, you're gonna immediately tell it's too late. Immediately, every time, it's like a chicken, to get to that like, oh my God, ask her and sound like an asshole, just let it, like, every time it makes you wait till the very last second. So obnoxious. It's not even worth using because of that.

Hey, I got a fucking rage for you. It's goddamn puzzle moralizers. Readin the Reddit really may be disappointed this week. Maybe it's because I worked in the service industry and a little Immunitized against this sort of fucking behavior from a little fucking piss This is goddamn idiot can't understand somebody who wants to spend their nights Challenging their brain against the fucking forward crossword puzzle, all right goddamn Sorry, you're too fucking stupid to solve more than three words. Asshole. Anyway, feel for yourself. All right. Let's see. I got one more. I got one more.

Dick, I just want to say you've opened my eyes. Okay. I am I spent 20 years of my life believing that you know you had to be the nice guy, you got to be the guy who follows all the rules, you know you'll get to your, your peak, they're just being a good person. A little bit of realize that was all bullshit. Okay, the absolute best way to approach every situation in life is the thing you've been preaching from the very beginning. Every fucking thing is a goddamn contest. Okay, it's totally true. Everything in life, relationships, career, everything, it's all a fucking contest. The way you approach every situation, if you think of it, and how can I come on on top? You will have a better life.

It's fucking unreal, honestly. Like, I've been practicing, I'm 85 pounds lighter. I am no longer a fat ass. I now have a college education. I have a great job. I'm in the process of a fantastic relationship. And it's all because I put more of your money to becoming me. And I've never forget that.

Carrying about what the fuck other people think about me. Right? I don't want to go out preaching about what the fuck other people think about me, right? I don't want to go out preaching. Okay, that's a little fun, but I do want to say you're a very wise man. Thank you. If only they would listen to me about North Korea. It's so called academia and all this other bullshit that's been fed to me by so-called adults and very smart people. You have helped me more than any of that.

And I want to say thank you. And I hope that you have a wonderful day. And I'll be Sean. Go fuck yourself. Thank you. 85 pounds, man. It's a lot of weight. Wow. It's a lot of weight. Yeah, it's, it's true. Really, honestly, as much as, yeah, there's a lot of good advice given on this show, frankly. About not following rules, Sean. You know, I mean, you pick and choose your spots, but no, no, no, don't pick and choose your spots.

Go on, but. No, there is because, well, you do a good job of keeping people from getting duped a lot of the time because people do want to people. I think that I don't know, man, I've definitely lost, over the years dooped a lot of the time because people do want to, I think that I don't know, man, I've definitely lost, over the years, lost a lot of faith in humanity's willingness to do what's right. Never. Like the average person on the street

who hits you with a, you know, I just don't trust them to do what's right because I've just seen too many incidents where they don't. Because it's like, I'm gonna fucking, now I got a hold your feet to the fire. Yeah. And now I gotta do three other people's jobs to make sure that gets done. Yeah.

Because you're either an unsavory character or you're incompetent or both. Or both. It's so easy for everybody to talk themselves into anything. Yeah. Oh, yeah. One little prod, one way or the other. It's like, you just, you have to specialize in people. It's a specializing in people.

Because of a meme. Like, you don't, you have this whole opinion because of a meme. Like what? You didn't, you have no capacity for, we don't have that capacity for the kind of thinking that you're claiming that we do. Yeah. So give me a fucking break. Yeah. Hey, yeah. Good.

Don't get scammed. you