The Dick Show - Episode 62 - Dick on Fractions

Episode Date: August 8, 2017

Rage math, fat mannequins, my man moves to Abu Dhabi, fit models for your fly, getting stranded, the world's most fun car, surprise parties, Target vs. CVS, an existential crisis over a cute waitress, a weight loss tip you've never heard before, making out with beer, Google's War on Engineers, and the show gets a producer; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, You love Dick? It's the show where everything is a podcast. I'm your host, Dick Masterson, bringing the show to you from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure. I'm your host, Dick Masterson. With me is always a shun. All you engineer. Hello, Dick. Hey, what's up buddy? I can barely get it out today. Yeah. I'm so fucking pissed right now? I can barely get it out today. Yeah. I'm so fucking pissed right

now. I can barely get it out today. I can barely get it out today. Yeah. This is going to be a speedy show. Yeah. Because this is, this is, this is the 11th hour. The witching hour. Yeah. It's a, the, the, the, the, the, the status of North Korea's nuclear threats against the US could be described by this show's lateness toward the clock of midnight. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah, you understand what I'm saying vaguely? Yeah, it's the 11th hour. This has to be done and out the door.

Yes. I had a great plan. You see? The best late plans. I had a great plan, man. I had it all fucking planned out, but I got fucked so badly today. I have been in airports and bullshit for what time is it now? Nine o'clock. Dude, I think I've been been on I've been on I've been traveling within the within the same state For 11 hours for 12 hours Yeah, and I've and I've paid for that much traveling too. It's how fucked I've got today

Plains, trains and automobiles I'll Call semi-colon part two dick. It's fucked by all of the above Cold semi-cold in part two dick gets fucked by all of the above Fuck so badly man. I've never been fucked this badly never Never it cuz I got nothing I can do about it. There's nothing I can do about it That's the scale of how badly you get fucked is well Did can you do something about it? it's that's the that's the numerator no that's the denominator which one is on the bottom denominator the denominator okay it's

how badly life is what in the hell is that sound what was that I What the hell that was a washing machine. I think it was too. What in the fuck? Oh, it's become sentient. Oh my god. All these devices. We're not supposed to be awake at this time. All these devices for your convenience just turn on whenever they want.

This is life. It's how badly someone or something fucked you on the top. And then the divisor is how bad you can fuck them back. You understand? So like, like, oh, you're talking, oh, right, you're talking dividing, right? You're, I thought you were talking fractions. Numerators are not there. Well, it is a fraction.

I know. I know. I know. Dividing is a fraction. Yeah, that's true. So it's like a friendship is they don't fuck you very much. They fuck you a little bit every once in a while. Yeah, you know, like they'll make you do a podcast,

record a podcast in the middle of the fucking night and then expect you to stay up and edit it while they go jerk off and go to sleep, right? And they'll say, hey, Sean, remember I showed you how to upload Delibson? Yeah, you could do that tonight when you're done editing. And then I pretended that I don't know what goes into editing,

so that I could say, ah, I didn't know it took that long. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, right? Sure. Every once in a while. Right. But then can happen. That's the numerator.

But then on the bottom is you could fuck me tremendously hard. Tremendously. You know all of the dark secrets. Any gay stuff I've ever did, you would know. I haven't. Right. You hesitated too long. We slept on that bed.

On that bed. And the announcement in the morning was, well, I guess we're gay now. We're gay now. It wasn't the same, it wasn't only the same bed. It was the same bed it had a mirror in the ceiling. Yeah, that was the worst part it had a mirror in the ceiling. That was the worst part.

And black lights. And black lights. And a open window into the shower. Yeah. And it was fucking weird. It was fucking weird, dude. You couldn't, because the mirrors were set up in such a way that you didn't know if you were going to see your, your buddy's dick.

Well, that was the thrill. That was, you better watch it. Yes, I think we told that story on the show. Oh, we did. But that's the bottom. That's the denominator. So our relationship is, the fuckery is tremendously low

because of that equation. See, like a relationship with a man and a woman, you get those numbers, they both get pretty big as the relationship, that's called intimacy. See, the amount that they've fucked you climbs and the other one climbs just as fast, how much they can destroy you. Yeah.

That's called a relationship. And you just, you have to hope that the one increases faster than the other, right? So that it's a net, it's over one, like the expansion of the universe. You have to keep that number higher than one for it to grow. It goes lower than one. You've got a big crunch that's coming for you

and it's gonna fuck up your whole life. Mm-hmm. Today, I got massively fucked. Do you wanna talk about it? Yeah. And the bottom number is it a zero, dividing by zero. How much can you fuck them? Not at all.

Yeah. Oh, well then this is the word then by math. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Mathematically. Then this is the word thing that's ever happened to anyone mathematically. No. I have nobody. This is the worst thing ever.

Can you get worse than zero? No. No, can't divide by zero. No. Can't divide by zero. Zero. Right? Yes.

No, it's not zero. What? It's undurable. Oh, you can't divide by zero. No, can't divide by zero. Zero, right? Yes. No, it's not zero. What, it's unduable. Oh, you can't, oh yeah, you can't do it. You can't even write it out. You are thinking about it even too much. Yeah.

You're not supposed to be allowed to do that. Maybe you. Yeah, because you put something over zero. Conceptually, it doesn't exist. It's merely a limitation of having to write these things down. Can't do it. I thought I had a great plan to go see my man before he went to Abu Dhabi. And this is where he's going to teach drama, I don't know, or something?

He doesn't even know. Like I, I tried to figure out what he was doing We were I mean we were doing a lot of Sudoku's in the yeah, we're in scramble and the jumble. Yeah And um popsicle stick jokes. I don't know what that is um But I can't I can't get a good handle on what he's doing I know he's going to Abu Dhabi. Okay And his interesting is hell. Yeah. Like I've for a, he, for a guy who's bounced around as much as him to make the leap all the way to the other side of the globe, especially a guy who is as crazy as him. Yeah. To go to a place where I mean, it's

basically Sharia law all the time, right? I don't know, I don't know what you're allowed to do there. Are you allowed to jerk off? Can you even touch yourself? We have no idea. We know you can't drink unless you get a license, he said. Like he's going to work for a university over there. So they know what's going on, you know?

They know, like, it's one of those things where I would think, so there's, you have like a tour guide there. You have like someone who's just supposed to make sure you don't get your head chopped off, right? Does that exist? Cause I would need, I would need someone to walk up to me on day one and say, look, it's my job to make sure you don't get your head cut off.

Yeah, but they don't want their head cut off either. What does that mean? Well, so if he pulls anything that's like a little bit like you ought to know better no matter where you are, throw them under the bus. You have to. You have to. Yeah. I mean, they're serious about why I would, aren't they? But I say that like, there's a guy who can keep you from getting your head chopped off, but then like, here, I don't trust anybody to do anything. Yeah. Like, let us Jones's parole officers, or let us Jones's lawyer is saying,

ah, you got a year, a more of your sentence. Yeah. That was just, I was lowballing you with that year, right? So he's going to Abu Dhabi. Doesn't know, I don't know what he's doing there. When he was on the phone the last time, he was talking about teaching drama or something in the arts, right? Theater?

They need that. Well, over there. I don't know, and I think the questioning went somewhere along the lines of what is allowed to be taught over there. And he said something like, well, I think as long as you're not having sex on stage with another man, pretty much anything goes. And you said, I think they're going to have a few more notes than that perhaps. Yeah.

I don't think that's, I don't think God's all there is to it. Yeah. I think, yeah. Um, I think there's a really, really wide gray area. We're gonna have to send... Probably turns to black really quickly. Trump's gonna have to go pick him up. Like, you know, Clinton and those guys always do

these humanitarian missions where they go flying, grab somebody, Trump's gonna have to go grab him. We're gonna have to have a, bring my man home from Abu Dhabi, a hashtag. Is that in the, we'll get to Trump Jr. first. UAE. Don Jr. Yeah, I think it is. UAE. Anyway, my man's beautiful wife, lovely wife.

They're married. At, yeah, yeah. And everybody else, the royal family, they are the royal family. That's right, burning man. She throws him a surprise birthday slash going away party. Because he's gone. He's gone now. So she's not going. Uh, she's, she's going to catch up with them. Oh, yeah. Sure.

That's him. That's what I said. Yeah. I can't hear it. Yeah. See you later. Place to call over. Yeah. Don't let me just say, say, burn that guy's passport. He's been talking, he went over there to work for ISIS. Don't let him come back yet. I'm done with him. Pat, so you know,

I just got to be home for this Amazon delivery. You know, catch, I'll start book, I'll book a ticket next week. That woman is an angel. Yeah. She's, cause my man was a complete disaster. Oh, at his surprise party all weekend. Lying on the floor.

I'm like, man, I'm looking at you and I'm annoyed by the way you're behaving and I understand, I love rolling around on the floor. Sure. Who'd let many people don't, but I'm a floor roller around on the ground. Your wife's gotta be, like you're gonna be gone for a while on the other side of the earth.

She, I'm surprised she hasn't go grab a chalela and come take it to you until you straighten out until you get up off the fucking ground, put some pants on, and stop calling everyone a slut. You know? Now is he only going for like the school year or is he gonna kind of? He's got a he's got a contract. He's got a contract. So what I'm wondering is if he has to live their year round. Yeah. I think so. You know, I don't get in with the Sultan crowd

and we'll never see him again. He'll be buying and selling. He'll be like Tim Robbins. He'll pick up an accent over there. He went like his fake ass English accent. Tim Robbins have that? Yeah, he was him. Oh, Madonna, he, Madonna, I know, yeah. Yeah, I think he did too.

I don't know, they went to, they got to England and then all of a sudden they're English. Yeah, it's like give me a fucking break. He's gonna do that too. He's gonna be coming back with good deals for everybody showing off his tiger. Showing off, he's a tiger. Yeah.

Um, so his wife, tells him a surprise birthday party, and I think, yeah, you know, I've never been up there to Mendocino where he lives. I'm gonna go check it out. So many times in my life where I don't go visit people, and I always, always regret it. Like I had a buddy who lived in Tokyo,

went to college with him, and he was doing, he was doing crazy stock stuff. He's like a genius. Like he's a, he walked, he walked around like Mr. Burns, but he would like no, no math to pie to a million, million decimals. He would have known what the numerator and the denominator was right away when I was talking about it. He lived in Tokyo. I always wanted to hit him up, always meant to, and just, you know, three years, four years flies by.

Girl, I knew I wanted me to go to Argentina with her. Amazing cans. I didn't. There's some reason. I don't know. That's what always comes back. Is why didn't you go just make the trip? Because it's easy, right?'t you go just make the trip?

Cause it's easy, right? You just get the ticket. You just need money. You just, and it's not that much. You know, just stop, just don't go so crazy, drinking during the week and the month. Just save it for something like this that you don't regret.

Take this trip, it's like, yeah, hey, I'll be there. Surprise party, I'll fucking be there. No problem, Sean, yeah, hey, I'll be there. Surprise party. I'll fucking be there. No problem, Sean. This is how we're gonna do it. I'm gonna get this ticket, fly out of town, have a relicking time with my man

before he goes to the Middle East, probably forever, because he's gonna be headed for one of his bits, for one of his hilarious jokes. Yeah. Come back. I'll come back at a leisurely 5 p.m. on Monday. And we'll have, I'll have, I'll have plenty of time to fly back in, to fly back in for the podcast, to do some research on Reddit. Go to Drudge Report and see if there's anything non-political that anybody is talking about these days

that I can bring into the show to find the one single news thing that isn't I have plenty of time to jerk off because I need that. Yeah. After a long trip, man, Nothing beats a good beat off. Yeah, well unwinding little unwinding Unfurling take some time take some time with yourself. Yeah, change the oil. Yeah It's not it's not an annoyance then you treat yourself. Yeah come home dim the lights didn't the lights

Yeah, come home, dim the lights, dim the lights. Not a, it's not a frantic search for porn. This is just you with your thoughts. You don't need outside stimulation. You've been over stimulated. Yeah. You need to send it. Sometimes you need, you need it to, and it's not about, you don't want her around

for that, the getting home jerk off. You know, sometimes you come home to your girlfriend or your wife, whatever, and she's all about it. She needs you right then, you knock that out, A-SAP, but then you gotta take, then you gotta say, honey, get the hell outta here. It needs some time for me. It needs some time for me.

I know. I'm gonna go take a shower. This was great, very satisfying. I'll never get hard again, but I'm just gonna go sneak off. I'm gonna take a, I'm gonna take a shit for 30 minutes and then I'm gonna take a shower for 30 minutes. Just don't, you know, hold my call. Don't question it.

Don't question it. And don't, like, don't come in, don't halfway through, say, hey, I made guacamole, do you want any? Cause then I gotta start all over. Don't be telling me who's calling. Don't be helpful. Don't be helpful. No. So I figure that's the kind of day I'm going to have today. Nice and easy. Yeah. Well, things start to get fucky because this town has no

parental places open after like 6 p.m. So it's a sleepy little town. It's we're talking we're in northern California. Yeah, northern California. Sonoma, Sonoma County. Okay. Charles Schultz Airport. I'm so used to living in a big city that I take everything for granted. Yeah. I'm so my brain has been so poisoned with convenience and big city cosmopolitan biases, Sean, that I think just everything is open all the time. Oh, I could fly in any, fly in at midnight, rent a car, Airbnb is hotels, motel sixes are at my disposal.

Surprise, surprise, they're not. No, just old stupid me will be flying into the airport at midnight, kicking rocks, playing with myself in the parking lot, hitchhiking, I guess, throw an industrial center. So I say shit, I didn't plan this out. I blew it again, Again, again, again. I took my eye off the prize for a second. For one second, for immediate fuck ups.

Like just the avalanche of fucking choices going on kayak and getting flooded with options. And I think I don't know, man, I gotta be there for this party on Saturday. That's all I know. I don't want to miss the, I don't want to miss a second of the party. Well, no, you should have gone up to, you have to, for the stories, for the time. Well, yeah. And that's plus I got to do this for the show. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That show keeps me doing things, actively doing things.

I'm like, yes, man. Jim Carey. Yeah. You want to do this thing? Yeah. Absolutely. I think we'll get something really great out of it. Yeah.

So I say, fuck. That's not going to work. I call up United. Hey, I need to change my, I need to change this flight the next day. That shouldn't be a problem, right? Because these planes are all empty. There's a million of them. Cossack, just can you just do that?

And the guy's like, oh, to change it, to change the time on the ticket to the next day, to the next available one? Yeah. That's 200 bucks 200 bucks. Yeah, so you want to do it or what? Okay, what do you mean do I want to do it or not? Why the why are you a robot all of this sudden? How is this how is this grave crime against the human soul just going unreported that you

don't even notice what you're doing? You've been fucking for so long you're like a hooker. The names and the faces all just blend together and you just can't stop fucking. No, but they don't, it's just the airlines don't even pretend to give a fuck anymore about anything. But that guy can't. It's 200 bucks. So what? Are you good? You want to go? Are we done here?

Yeah. What do you get paid by the call? Uh-oh. You're here all night, dude. I'm going to hum in hove about it for 40 minutes. So I say, I don't know, man, that seems kind of fucking expensive. Can I just buy a new ticket the next day? And he goes, yeah, that's probably a better choice.

Have fun with that. Blap. Okay. So I do. I go on the internet where I got the first one. And I sink down another 150 bucks for one way ticket, because it's cheaper, right? And I figure, yeah, no problem.

I was supposed to fly out Saturday, come back Monday. Now I bought a new ticket that's cheaper than the change my ticket fee, not even a second of negotiating either with that guy. Like, yeah, fine, go, whatever, get outta here, get outta my face. So now I'm flying out Saturday morning instead. And I'm gonna miss a little bit of the party,

not happy about that, but whatever. It's, my simple plan got a little bit more expensive, but it's okay for me to see my man. I see him before he's gone into the Middle East and some kind of weird sex slavery ring that they've gotten over there and they do have them. To see his face, one last time while it's still attached to his body.

But where it's ruined? Yeah. So I get up there and I get the silliest, stupidest rental car, a smart, like a smart car that's basically a metal suit for a human with wheels on it. Oh, fun. Have you ever driven one of these things? It's a smart car. A smart car.

Yeah. No, they look, they look stupid as hell, right? Like, they look like a joke. They're the car that you can park. You can back into the curb. Yeah. It has a, it has a same footprint. Yeah.

Like, it has the same width as length, doesn't it? It's like, yeah, it's like fucking square. It's like driving a fucking Mario. But it's not a square because you're losing some of that volume. What do you mean? You actually don't have it because it's angled in the front. It's not a cube. No. All right. Yeah. It's got a very blunt nose, but driving that thing through like Sonoma County. I mean, I'm trying, you know, those dreams that you have where your car is getting out of control and like physics isn't working properly.

Yeah. You're trying to like, re-learn how this, how this new physics world works and skip your car on the road and like try to hook it around. I'm trying to make the smart car slamming around through Sonoma County. Do this. Like I'm getting fucking chirps on every corner. Like full full on redlining this fucking thing using a dumb paddle shifters that I don't even know why they put on there. Because they look stupid. It feels stupid to have them. But the temptation is too much. And it's it's bright orange. The thing is built to make you speed.

Yeah. I don't know why they rent this, but it was the most god damn fun I've ever had in a car is this stupid smart car. It was fun. Oh, it goes, huh? It was great. No shit. It goes, it goes fast as hell and it feels fast.

Sure doesn't weigh anything. No, it feels even faster because you have nothing around you. You're on the road. You're on the road. So you're going by, like I'm going 90, down the freeway and it feels like I'm hitting ludicrous speed. Going by like normal people.

Most fucking fun I've ever had in a car, I think. Even after having that real, real fast car for so long, that thing was a blast. Get to the party. And my man's wife meets me out front. We're planning, we're having a big planning, planning a big surprise, right? Well, I'm gonna come in with the cake.

That's gonna be the big surprise, right? Well, I'm gonna come in with the cake. That's gonna be the big reveal, right? So I get up there, she meets me out front, gets in the car, her friend and her get in the car. Sit on each other's laps, spilling liquor all over the car. All right, I knew this was a good idea. Oh, sure, sure. Great party all right.

So I walk in, first, I take one step into the house, supposed to be a big secret, right? Guy sees me and walks after me. Hey, you're that guy from Dr. Phil, aren't you? Come on, man. Come on. Come on. Come on. You know what's going on here? What are you? Funny gotta shout that. Hey, are you the horse from horsein' around? I'm like, God dammit. It's all comin' full circle. He's very surprised. Great party. I want an arm wrestling match against a guy

who's walkin' around challenging people to bet. So I'm doin' that too now. Anytime someone's putting money on something, I'm taking them up on it. And that $20 got walked down to $5 real fast, real fast when we got out of veer shot. Yeah. Everybody else, it's like I got 20 on these,

I got 20 on these. All right, let's go. He's like, hey, just, what do you say, what do you say we do $5? So I was just joking about, I was like, oh, I already won. I already fucking won that you did that. There was a listener there.

We had a listener there. Oh yeah? Yeah, Guy walks up with his girlfriend. He's like, oh yeah, I listen to your show. And girl goes, meet me too. I don't like it. Yeah. Okay.

What do you do? But like show me what you got. Yeah. That I don't like now already. What the fuck is up? I'm not, I'm not Amazon. You don't have to give me a review compulsively. Yeah.

You can, but what the, what do you mean? You don't like it. Like oh, it's like little girls. It's like teenage girls talking about gossip. It's called, gossip, it's not. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, come sign, become home.

And I get back in my little space suit, scream, scream back to the airport, man, those one, those two lane roads. They are fun, but somebody gets in front of you, like a big truck, and it is the most frustrating God damn thing. Like, thank God, it was totally empty when I went there. So it was my personal Mario Kart, but coming home, it was like waiting in a three hour line.

Behind a guy, I'm hungover as shit, so I'm exhausted, and all I wanna do is get out that hangover nut. You know the one I'm talking about? You gotta get that one out. Sometimes you need two showers after a hangover. Sometimes you gotta knock out two loads of laundry. Yeah, to keep this clean.

You're pretty dirty drinking. You do. Yeah. So I get to the airport. I go to check in. Uh-huh. And the computer says, you gotta go talk to somebody.

It's a bad sign, usually. Usually the computer gives bad news. If everything's right, you should never have to talk to a human being at the airport. This was something that they couldn't foresee enough to put into the computer. It's time to hear some bad news. So I run up to the counter, told some woman that I just had a simple question to ask, even though I knew I was going to

steal her spot in line even before she answered. They say, computer says, you're going to talk to you about my ticket that I need to have to get home because I'm all the way out here. For all you know, I'm from China. Yeah, I'm from the middle of Africa, and I'm all the way around the other side of the world, and I need to get home, and here's my fucking ticket. This girl takes it, punches it into the computer, then gets out her own cell phone to call somebody. Wow, I guess it's the protocol for this.

Okay. And she says, oh, really the cut and costs. Two sentence conversations, computer says this code. Oh, so I should just tell them to call reservations. Okay. And I think, I think sweetheart, I noticed that you didn't fight very hard

for me on that call. Don't, don't say what I think you're gonna say and she got my problem. Yes, yes. Congratulations. Oh great, bad news. I'll just tell them. I see now why the computer couldn't do this.

I had to hand deliver it. Put the phone down. She goes, oh yeah, your ticket was canceled. Say who? Say who? By who? She goes, you. your ticket was canceled. Bye. Bye. Bye. She goes, you, when you didn't show up on the first flight,

you actually, you avoided your ticket. So we could resell it. Like, what are you talking about? Say it slower, because it sounds like you just stranded me in the middle of no, what the fuck are you talking about? Say it slower, because it sounds like you just stranded me in the middle of no, what the fuck are you talking about and look me in the eyes when you're talking to me.

Don't look down at your nails, they're still there. You can hear them clacking on every fucking get you hit. Look me in my eyes. She's got a little supervisor there. Who knows I'm about to fucking blow it. It's like, oh yeah, well, she said you should call reservations. Yeah, that's it, that's it, that's it.

What the fuck are you talking about? Because, well, did you drive up here? No, I flew like Superman. I shot a bunch of goddamn webs up the coast. I rode around on a giant turtle. That's how I got here. What the fuck are you talking about? How did I get here?

What is it? What are you, are you troubleshooting now? Is the solution that I should just drive home, which I might as well shoot at, because I don't only want to take in nine fucking hours. They canceled my ticket and resold it because I didn't take that first flight up there. That Friday night flight that would have dumped me in the middle of nowhere at midnight, I skipped and took the next day to say $50. So they just canceled it and resold it

with no refund at all and no fucking notice. So I call this number explaining myself calmly and rationally and begging because I'm stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere. The agent gets on the phone and says to me, oh yeah, well, well see the thing is you avoided the ticket, it's in the contract. And that's what that's what makes me arrange about it. Not I can't do anything. I'm sorry. It's well you see what you

should have done is this. See we what you you did this every fucking time. I said so you guys just canceled my ticket because no, no, no, no, you did. You did, I'm like, I'm not fucking hitting myself. I know what an abusive relationship looks like. It's what you're fucking doing. Trying to convince me that this is my fucking fault. You did it.

You did it. Just admit it. Just fucking admit that you did this to me. You bitch. You go, well, what do you want? Just fucking admit that you did this to me you bitch He's oh well What do you want like I want a fucking trip home? What do you mean what do you think I want what would you want? Okay, I can get you I can get you back. I can get you a flight

It leaves in an hour Gets in LA at about five. I said, you mean my flight? No, sir, again, it wasn't, that's not your flight. You've, like, bitch, if you say fucking, if you say fucking void, if you give me one of your made-up words, that means you just took my money and my, and my fucking ticket. I'm going to reach right through the phone. I'm going to, I'm going to use a patchy. I'm gonna use Apache chief powers and make my dick grow so long

that it finds you in customer service and goes, right, you fucking mouth. That's what I'm gonna do if you say it one more fucking time. Does Marcel as well, do I look like a bitch? She goes, yeah, yeah, we can, I can get you on that flight. On my flight, that flight, sir. Okay. You don't have a flight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm doing you the favor. I'm doing you a favor. This is my job, not apologizing. No. Okay. So, hello. What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be?

What's it gonna be? 800 bucks. Oh, fucking hell. What the fuck? a straight face? It's $800, $800 for a seat that I know is, that has an aspirant of me where I should be. I see where I already have the ticket for and you still have my fucking money for it.

That you need, I need to pay you $800 because I also employ a bunch of armed guards to stop me from just going on the fucking plane. Because I also pay those guys, Sal. So I'm paying for this entire fiasco. I just wanna make, I just want you to understand that I'm doing this to myself. I paid you already to do this to me,

and then I pay these other fucking idiots to enforce it. What a genius. Why don't I do this to me? I am hitting myself. You're right, you're right. So I said, that's the best you could do. And she goes, well, if you wait a couple days, I can stop. Stop. Stop. Stop, right? Stop saying insane things. Do you talk to your children like this?

Cause they're going to grow up to be insane. If you do this, what the what the fuck is wrong with you? This is your problem solving? Couple days. Yeah, I could just spend a couple days, it doesn't, what's a couple days? Just a person, I'm just an imaginary person to you, right? I come on, I'm on this phone now, but I don't actually exist.

So what a days matter to fucking me. It's like, well, what if I go, what if I go look around? Can I price it around? She goes, yeah, you could do that. So is there anything else I could help you with? Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah, I can think of a few things. You could wrap a fucking power line around you, throw it and jump off a cliff and see if the Impact kills you first or the electricity you stupid bitch. So I fire up the old app Same same flight Same flight that I was on 300 bucks To get home

What the hell what the fuck are people supposed to do? I think it's charge at what? Yeah, I guess, I guess, because I'm stuck here if I don't pay it. I fucking guess. So that's what brings me here today. And I could do nothing about it. That's why that's the bottom.

That's the denominator. Nothing I could do. Yeah. Nothing I could do. Just gotta keep paying for it. Keep paying for the bailouts. Keep paying for the stupid security theater. Keep fucking us.

Every single fucking time. Yeah. Let me see what else I got here. Oh! Man, a lot happened. You know, it also makes me rage. There's more. Yeah, there's more.

Okay. It's when you get shorts, where the dick hole is too complicated. The fly, for some reason. Buttons or something? You know, I don't know. I've never been able to figure out what it is. But you can identify it when you're wearing

those kinds of shorts. Yeah, and then I think, God damn it, I have to deal with this every time. I can't go drinking in these shorts because I'm gonna have to do this Rubik's cube of a zipper and try to angle my dick out of my pants every time I go to the bat. These are leisure shorts only.

These aren't drinking, these aren't business drinking shorts. There's gonna be way too much piss on the crotch of those things to use them for business drinking. And it gets to a point where you're at the urinal, the urinal, the guy next to you is watching you claw around in your shorts, like you've never used a dick before.

Yeah, I think so, you have a hook for a hand. Yeah, like you need a treasure map to find your own dick. Some shorts, man, you on zip, you open them up and it's like, it's like, wriggly field in there. Like, wriggly field, it's a big field. Oh, it's like a big, it's like the surface of the moon. She's open, it's like a hanger, like a hanger door for a 747 jet, 737 jet.

Just opens right up, boom, everything flops out. But then these shorts that I've got on right now, it's like a game of twister trying to get it out. What the hell? I want a fit model. You ever heard of this? Fit modeling? No. It's interesting. My sister did it a couple of times. They will actually fit clothes to a person like to make sure that they fit women. I don't know if they do this for men. They probably do a fun tailoring. Well, yeah, but then they make the whole line based off of that tailoring. So they'll find somebody with exactly the body type that they want. And then they'll fit the, they'll fit the jeans or whatever to them, the pants, and then they'll

tailor it. So it fits them perfectly. Well, good for them. What about, so they're doing this, it's a custom thing every time. No. And then they'll mass produce millions of genes based on that. Well, but isn't that what they kind of do anyway? I mean, but they're all fitted to one person. Well, how is this different? What do you mean? The way you explain it was you fit it to, they'll find a specific person and then fit it perfectly to them and then mass produce it from there for everybody.

So there's like one person where that pants will fit perfectly on them. And everybody else is kind of a little bit off because they got a different body. So it's just like every other clothing manufacturer. Well yeah, am I missing? No, but I just thought it was interesting that there was one person that it fits perfectly to.

I, I, you never meet that person. Well, my sister was doing it, and they would get like, what, there would be like 20 insanely hot chicks there, trying out to be the body type for like that type of pants. Yeah. For that run of pants or whatever it was. Well, they would, if it's her,

they would, they'd be going for an athletic build, because she's much smaller than most women. Yeah. Yeah. She had that Mexican ass too. Just saying. I don't know if I'm gonna call myself a thing. Just saying, that's what it is.

Anyway, I want one of those shorts, but for my dick. So if I show up and it takes me more than there's five Cinderella-type theme going on here. Yes, I would like to be the Cinderella of Venus fitting. Yeah, give me those shorts. No, send them back, do it again. Take all the measurements you need, get it right.

There's no, I have no shame in this. I have no, there's no room for embarrassment in this field of Cinderella penising. Oh, God. That fucking flame in. Yeah. Can't do anything. One more bailout.

I'm gonna go to Abu Dhabi too. Yeah. I'm gonna walk in and join ISIS somewhere. There you go. Dirk, Dirk, Dirk, Dirk. Um, let's see, I got... Did you see that diversity thing at Google? No. That happened this week.

No. This guy wrote a James Demore. He wrote this... I guess you call it a manifesto, but a manifesto makes it seem crazy Like he wrote a document kind of detailing I was it had some good points detailing the gender gap in Google and in tech in general an in management

What is his title? What's he do? I don't know. He's engineer Google. I think is an engineer at Google Okay, yeah, and he's his his broader points were that hey Maybe there's some genetic reasons for maybe there's some biological reasons for this But more importantly suggesting that is Honestable by firing yeah, and that because of, it has a chilling effect on those types of conversations. Because then we're just terrified of saying things in general about genders. Like the stuff I've, which is the whole reason I started

to sit in the first place is because it was just starting. And now it's like, it's, it's fully entrenched. Yes. In the highest echelons of business, absolutely, where you cannot, you cannot say what you think, what you see right in front of you. Right. And the most show, oh, he was fired. He was fired for that.

Of course. It's definitely fired, violating our code of conduct. I guess he's a fucking engineer. Yeah. You're asking an engineer to not put peace, not figure out a puzzle. Are you fucking insane? We can't do that. They can't do that.

What? No, I was going to an engineer. That's the stereotype is about, you know, no tact, no social skills. Just let them be over in their area and figure out complex shit. Who cares what he thinks? Wasn't even about anybody. Who cares what he thinks?

I was insane, man. It's so, it's so instant that even what I'm about to say would qualify as one of these violations. That like, it's, here's, you know, here's what, here's what makes me rage about it. It's not even that he got fired for it. Yeah. Because of course he would be.

You can't say that shit. You just can't. Yeah, not in today's climate. Yeah. And why are you? Why do you, why do you, why is it so important to you to put your name on it? No, true.

Just put it out there. Make them prove that it's you. It's, yeah. It's fun being a martyr, right? You got a lot of attention. You tell me. Yeah, you feel like you did something. Even though you didn't,

because you just got put on a cross. You just got nail, you gave, you just spawned a bunch of necklaces. Congratulations. Did you fix anything? Did you did you did you do anything? It's fun feels good. Mm-hmm. I don't know. I Don't know if I'm just like I've never thought about that before but actually I kind of don't think it does Because what's like one?

One manifesto one martyrdom one martyring manifesto versus just people pumping that shit out anonymously all fucking day. Like you know that there's one guy at Google that'll say that there's what a hundred that can't that could that probably a 200 300 that think some version of that. But what makes me a rage about it is the idea that anybody, let alone most men or women are performing at their capability. Like, oh, it's offensive to say that there's a, there's a gap because between men and women because of biological differences. Like, no, it's

because of just rampant both gender laziness. Nobody for the amount of actual work out there. There are shittles of people who could do it. Are you fucking kidding like everybody is so lazy This is what we get it's not because like guys are oh, they're just trying anymore It's it's about the people who are not doing fucking anything. Mm-hmm. I Don't know that's not well said, but it drives But it drives me so fucking crazy that a guy like this can say something very generally, which is, hey, you guys should stop with the chilling effect shit.

Cause you're just, locking yourself in this little bubble lock step and getting crazier and crazier, and it's not gonna work. And I would know because I'm an engineer from the biggest engineering company in the fucking world, which they're not by the way, they're an advertising company, which everybody forgets. Who's that Google? Oh, give it a there an ad company, right? About engineering. They're about ads. Yeah. That's how and that's how they're increasingly being run in my opinion.

Seems like it. about ads. Yeah. And that's how they're increasingly being run in my opinion. Seems like it. Hey, frustrating. Frustrating week. Yeah. 800 blocks. Can you believe that? Most expensive fucking surprise party in the world. Woo!

$800 dollars. Oh Is there any anything else I could do no? Yeah, let me see here What time are we at 45 45? I got some voice meals too. I don't wanna skip those this week. Guy Chris. Oh, no, I also wanted to, Guy Chris said, he's never fucked with a broken arm,

but last year he made some homemade fried chicken. He's talking about Denzel. Get a lot of emails about that. A lot of emails about Denzel. Don't know where this is going, but people like bragging about how much pain they're in when they fucked. Okay, okay, I'm just, I'm listening.

I'm thinking about the dish. It's proof of how straight they are. Okay, like I needed it, my prowess is so, will not be denied even with physical pain. He made some homemade fried chicken. Chicken at one point. Spring in my tongs broke and splashed 400 degree oil all down my front, giving me third degree burns across my stomach and chest.

I proceeded to finish the chicken and then decided I wanna bang before we ate, leveraging an ice pack and ignoring searing pain the entire time. And we ate and went to CVS to get a burn kit. How about that? Uh, he had some more stuff about the, uh, the, the, the, the herp HSV-2 old and presarios is please enough

with the vulgar medical jargons. A gentleman calls it the creeping disease or the creeps. And he's inflicted, you know that? I did not. You can also say car bunkers. Car bunkers? Yeah. I thought a car bunker was like a boil.

I don't know. I don't think they split hairs. You got car bunkers on your cock. Specific to herpes? I have, well, that's what old impression. Oh, I don't care. I'd, saying someone as car bunkled can imply any number of ailments.

So I see. Yeah. Right through other. Paul Dinter says, tell the chick he ends with that he was born with it. She may feel sympathy for him. Gotta be worth a shot. Oh, man. Smart.

That's the Hail Mary. Because I mean, that's not a lie. That it's not a lie. Well, it's not. No. It's not a lie. That it's not a lie? Well, it's not, no. It's not a lie because he believes it. No, because he's still giving the information, you know? Okay. Like he's still being honest about having the creeps.

True. But he's wrapping it, that's a good, it's a good deal. It's a good deal. Yeah. It's terrible, you It's more appealing. It's a good way of, yeah. Yeah. It's terrible. Yeah. You know, but yeah, it's worth a shot.

She'll never look at his mom the same way again. Right. Yeah. It's like, oh, Dr. Tommy Knuckles says, hey, it's the resident dick show, yourologist. Yeah, I got this. I got this email. You got the email?

Yeah. Did you read it already? I did. I wrote into the old show when the great empirical scientist, Maddox tested his hypothesis that he could get his piss to shoot out faster by blocking his p-hole, and then testing that hypothesis in the channel. That was good.

Yeah. HSV2, the genital variety, other than the oral HSV1, Lenny, that's who's that question. Well, you can have both on both. Oh, fuck. That's unanswered. It's still transmissible approximately 10% of the time in asymptomatic patients. There is a higher transmission male to female mostly due to the mo the moist

mucus membranes of the vagina. Oh, geez, come on. Condoms can decrease the transmission rate by about 30% Valtrex can also decrease the transmission rate by about 30% can also decrease the transmission rate as well, but only from 3.6% with a placebo to one problem, okay Still not great. So Potentially getting a lifelong disease. So 3.3.6 to 1.9 I think it was or something like that. How the fuck do you remember those numbers? Because I see it like I just I don't know I I see it. Like, I just, I don't know. I can see certain things.

I'll read it. Like, I'll read it at this hand writing or something, and it'll just all have a picture in my head of it. And I'll remember some numbers. Yeah, sometimes. I can't, like, I don't even bother reading them most of the time, because I can't remember a single number. I'll remember the size of it, like the magnitude.

Yeah. But I just turn into gibberish. I don't know, maybe I've remembered a lot of numbers the last 10 years or so with the engineering and stuff, but you've always been able to do that though. Yeah, but so I knew you could transmit it when you were symptom-free. I knew that it's possible to even without an outbreak. But so is he saying that you can with valve tracks and taking all the precautions, you still have a 1.9, you, it will still be transferred one point nine percent of the time.

I don't want, that's what I asked. I mean, look, if it's one in a million, if you're the one, I don't, I wouldn't take one in a million either. Well, that's what I mean. That's the, who, that's, I thought for sure I would get my plane today. I couldn't take one in a million either. Well, that's what I mean. That's like, who, that's, I thought for sure I would get my plane today. I couldn't see that coming.

One in a million. Yeah, no, one point nine percent. Damn it. Dr. Brown with Dr. G. Bus says he's got the mouth origin flavor of the herbs. I don't bring it up to any ladies. He went to the doc a few years ago and she noticed that my,

oh, that's the one that everybody has. The mouth one. Well, source one. who went to the doc a few years ago and she noticed that my, oh, that's the one that everybody has. The mouth one. Well, a lot of people, I don't just never, yeah, who just never express it or whatever. Yeah. Okay, that's enough about that disgusting. I get a lot of emails about it though. Yeah.

Floating around. Well, yeah. Let's see here. I had one other thing that made me a rage. Fat mannequins. Oh. I would imagine that's become more prevalent lately. You ever heard of Target?

The store. The store? Yeah. Yeah. It's the only, when it comes to women, it's Disneyland's only competition. Oh. It's Target. Really? They could spend, they could spend their whole lives there.

If Target ever opened apartments, like there was a Target on the ground level, and then you could, they could do sleepovers. That's all that women would do. They would all live in a target on a giant apartment building above a target. If target and CVS ever teamed up, that would be the end. That's the end of men that they're always talking about. They'd have no more need for us. They could just go back and forth from the target

to the CVS. I don't know what they, I don't know what they're doing in there, but they're in there. Oh, it's a treat, target. 80s girls sent me this picture from Target. She sends me a picture, says, you're not gonna believe this shit. And then like a throwing up emoji. Uh-huh.

Yeah, scroll through. Hold on. You're gonna really, you're gonna really flip for it. Mm-hmm. Here you go, Sean. This is what a mannequin looks like in Target. Get it, get it, get it close up. Get it closer, look at that. Jesus. Uh-huh. Jesus is right. Oh.

Yeah, that's bad. It's bad. That's a, that is a thick ass mannequin. Yeah. Not in a good way. No. Not in a good way. No.

Not even, not in a good way. No, not in a good way. No. Not even, not even a person. The, they're taking mannequins away from us. Yeah. Sean. And I'm not, I know other guys do this when you're, when you're a teenager and you're at that age where you will fuck anything. Those mannequins, you're always hoping for a shirt,

a shirt to fall off of them. You're always wanting to know, that's like the first inanimate object that crosses the line, right? Yeah, we're unbridled teenage sexuality. Is let me get a look at that fuck, let me get a look at that mannequin. What's going on here?

Cause I can just stare at this mannequin. What kind of tits does a mannequin have? Because somebody had to think of that. And I want to know what's going on with this mannequin and I can just stare at it and it's not weird. What I'm saying? Sure. I can't find porn. When we were teenagers anyway, it was difficult. It was difficult to find. You'd have to either, either your dad would have, would have had to have convinced his wife to let him have playboy or someone else's dad would have let him,

what he would have had to convince her to let him have playboy magazine subscription. There was only internet. So that first experience of being able to just let it go, you see him walking through, walking through the target or walking through Robinson's May or whatever it was. You might catch, you might catch a naked mannequin. This is what the kids have now. A mannequin that's at least a mannequin that is playing in the USFL,

a mannequin that's at least 180 pounds. Yeah, yeah, they're staring at Lena Dunham and... Yes, this is what's, this is the sales technique. You see our clothes? You could look like this too, isn't that great? Check it out. What do you think of? We've, we've noticed, we've noticed reality. And it wasn't enough that everything is real all around. We've got a cram it to you like this too. You're never escaping it. Never. Barbie's getting fatter. Manacans are getting fatter, your TV, if you have an old TV, we're gonna

send you a lens that you can strap on to it. So everybody who looks nice looks fat as shit. Yeah. That's the future. You'll just scale it. No escape at all. No fucking escape. We're gonna recut all old movies so that James Bond is a stuttering fuck that doesn't have anything cool to say ever. We're gonna put scenes in his car, where he goes back and goes, shit, I should have said that. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, I forgot to zip my fly up.

That's the new James Bond. It's just ruining everything beautiful. Everything. The mannequins are gone. It's like we're fucking living in Harrison, Bergeron slowly but surely, we're approaching that time, we're anything, anything good, anything nice to look

at is fucking destroyed. And if you don't like it, you're the bad guy. If you don't like it, you're gonna get fired. Yeah. I was, we were staying with this, staying with this hippie chick up in, up in, uh, Mendocino. It was funny.

It was funny because I don't know anybody who's like, like, the should I have in my house, all the Trump stuff would be crazy to some people. Like, they, I'd be like a unicorn, like a Hitler unicorn. Yeah. Like, I've never, I didn't know people actually did this. You've got a step on snake, flag? Yeah, that's the least of the things that I've got. Oh yeah.

And she was on the other end. Like there was like crystals in the bathroom. Yeah, sure. And like six kombucha's fermenting. Shit, I didn't even know about, like sage. Yeah, but it sends being lit and not even being mentioned. Cause it was just always done. Yeah.

You know, she made us some kimchi pancakes this morning, maybe the very sweet, very sweet, very sweet ever to do it, but maybe the, it's gotta be the most fucking vile thing on the page. Maybe the most dangerous hangover food. Yeah, I've ever eaten. Yeah. I saw them being brought, I saw them bringing them to the table.

I shoot my pants immediately. Yeah. Um, as one would. Yeah, she was, she was, I forget why this came up. We were talking about the, we were talking about the diversity thing or something like that. And the something she said was, well, oh, she was talking about her friend of hers.

She was an American Indian and talking about that she was worried that she was worried that he was drinking because it sneaks up on him. Yeah. And I was like, you know, she said, I'm like, oh, you know, that is not racist to say yet. And it will be. It will be. And that's the same thing I thought You said, I'm like, oh, you know, that is not racist to say yet. And it will be.

It will be. And that's the same thing I thought when I saw these fat mannequins. Like I can still, thank God, I can still say that's fucking dumb. For how much longer? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah.

Let's see what else. I got some stuff from Reddit. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Let's see what else. I got some stuff from Reddit. Oh, we got a producer now. Oh. Do you see that? Yeah. No.

Yeah. Dr. Chiz. Oh, Dr. Chiz. You know him. No, I don't know him. He's a guy met on the P.K.A. podcast. He's going to get some guests. Cool.

He's a really cool guy. Awesome. Yeah, he's going to start poking around Cool, he's a really cool guy. Awesome. Yeah, he's gonna start poking around the Reddit. He asked me what guests I thought we should get on and I didn't know. It seems like the guests have been, have you been digging for guests that much? It seems like they've been coming. Yeah, I think so part of the problem is,

I have a hard time getting guests who don't like agree with me. Oh, which some people don't like, and I honestly, I don't like it too much either. Like it'd be nice to get somebody, it'd be nice to get somebody who just ideologically is on the other side. Like Ken M is not, he was gonna vote for Elizabeth Warren. That was cool.

I like talking about him. And more comedians. Like that? Yeah. I don't know him. And I think more comedians like that. Yeah. I don't know. So if you got any ideas for guests that you want to see on, hit up the cheese master. I don't know if that's supposed to be Dr. Gis or Dr. Chinz. I want to get to the bottom of that.

Yeah. I got one more thing here. You'll have to find out how he unwinds after a long trip, you know, he's great. He's in the name. He's good at getting guests to cool. Let's see, this is from Reddit. Reddit rage threads Friday. Yeah. Leckembra, people who go through your Reddit posting history to score points in an argument, play the ball and not the man. Oh. Dick had, now I have the added stress of being 100% consistent

in my worldview. I can't just say stupid shit with how thinking about it. I'm contradicting myself the next day. Yeah. That is. Well, yeah. Why is that a virtue? Not saying, like saying different things.

Well, why is that? It's not if you're presented, no, it's the opposite. If you're presented with new information, now if you're, you are allowed to change your mind, you might think differently about certain things than it would maybe based on experiences going along, blah, blah, blah, but it's, yeah. It's hard work communicating. Yeah, what the hell, like, blah, blah, but it's... Yeah.

It's hard work communicating. Yeah, what the hell? Sometimes you can break. And sometimes you can see it from both sides. Yeah. And you could, you argued one side one time. I mean, it's, yeah. Like everything I say, am I always right after,

I didn't really, that doesn't feel, that doesn't sound like what I feel like. Yeah, that sounded like a bunch of words. It got off track very quickly, and I regret all of them, delete them. Whatever. You got guys poking around on your internet. Oh, you contradicted yourself there.

Gotcha. Yeah, that's what you're talking about. Such a smug game of gotcha. Bullshit. Show, show gods. I'm in a few car groups in tech forums, which means there's always gonna be a few people who know next to nothing about the vehicles they drive. Every once in a while these newbies come in

and ask something that would be considered otherwise extremely obvious to the veterans. It isn't the stupid questions that bother me. It's the people who make me a rage are the smug elitist fucks who can't just answer the question. Sure. Be on their way.

These pieces of shit would rather spend an entire day filling up the thread with posts about how retarded the original poster is. Fucking learn how to search or Google is your friend. Oh man. I hate that. Yeah, I don't know what those guys, I don't know.

What are they, what are they policing? What's your fucking problem? What's your fucking problem? What's your fucking problem? And why do you have to be the first one to do it? Like are you afraid that somebody would answer their question and then people would like, like more people would want to be in your forum?

Was there ever a time in your life when you didn't know the answer to that question? The answer in case you were wondering is yes, there was a time. Yeah. The worst ones are the ones where people ask a question and then immediately like, how do I stop the, how do I turn off the blinking light on my Lexus,

on my 2002 Lexus, that it won't stop beeping and turning off every five minutes. And then the next post will be that same person. I'll say never mind, I figured it out. Like, come on, man. You just could have, you just, everybody wants a time machine to go kill Hitler. But what they need is to go back and just say, to type it in.

Yeah. Just type it in. You know that Google exists? You know that other people are going to see this. Come on. It's the only one then. Brass hockey says gender reveals a new level of one upsmanship for attention horse who think everyone's their closet friend. You know, it's the mom to be driving this shit to, I don't know anymore.

Just another layer of manipulation to keep dad from enjoying what few days he has left of a relatively honest. I think he had a gender reveal party. The mom to be... You've forced him. You ever been to one of those? No. No. Gender reveal party? No.

That's what they do now. That's what I hear. They'll do it, like they'll do a big thing, but they'll cut into a cake and the color of the frosting and the cake will be... If it's red, it's a girl. and the color of the frosting and the cake will be, if it's red, it's a girl. And if it's blue, it's a boy, you know what I'm saying? That's what they'll do. And then you, everybody claps.

Yeah, everybody claps. Where are they gonna boo for one? You know what I mean? Was there like a, the clav, and they look each other right in their eyes as they do this insane embarrassing spectacle gender reveal party That be that be that'd be one to check off the list ruining the gender for somebody Yeah, right as soon as you oh, it's it's in this little envelope

On the fridge and we're not gonna we're gonna save it oh, whoops, I just tripped and ripped open your envelope. And there it is, right to boy right there. What, what is it about? It seems like we're making these mundane things more and more special. Things that have been going on for, I don't know, like millions of years of human evolution and procreation.

So bored, Sean. All of a sudden it's like these big events, everything's gotta be an event. Because it's just, because as we strip away the labor that we had to do in the past, life gets increasingly fucking meaningless. And we've gotta, if we don't invent these games,

we're gonna to just kill each other. Yeah. Because it's too easy. Yeah. Something's got, we've got to have an activity this week. It's something's, we've got to be building up to something. Yeah. We tricked ourselves out of God. And we really, we killed God and we blew it. Now there's no, now we're working toward anything. Yeah., Jen, they're gonna sell it. You buy a mystery serial. Well, what serial is it? It's a cock tease every day.

You don't know. That's gonna be an employment perk. So your job is a flash mob. You don't know where you're gonna go to work. So you wake up. And you're gonna go there, wherever it is, you're gonna dick around on the internet for four hours. You're gonna go home, just like the Jetsons.

You're gonna pat yourself on the back. Job well done. I worked today. What do you do? I have no fucking idea. I just, I wake up, and I go, I wake up, and I go someplace for six hours, and I go, I wake up and I go someplace for six hours and I get a check

and I don't even know, I don't even know how the government works anymore. This is the living, this is the future. But I still have to go to work or else I'll go crazy. Can't just sit around. Yeah. Getting weird today. I've been meaning to play this thing for a while. I've got a couple things I've been meaning to play. So, Stereo is supposed

to be here this week. Yeah. But he pushed his flight back for some reason. Oh, he did. That's why you went up North. Yeah. I thought you pushed him off because you wanted to go up North. No. Just just happened to work out. It was a sign. It was a sign. So, a dain sent in this print call. That was pretty funny. Let's see. Let's see what you guys think. Thank you for calling the warranty department. You were recently sent up final warranty notice regarding your vehicle. This is the final call to renew the coverage before we close the file please hold the line for the next available representative oh my and this sounds serious this is my jayon

i miss it corona are you today and doing just terrific what can i do you for well uh... well my name is Jason i am the supervisor here in charge of the two thousand thirteen four okay no i'm pretty sure i'm in charge of that

no i mean what you're definitely in charge of all that i'm going to charge your five here today all right all right. All right. I see. You're funny. All right. And so Paul, how many, how many of you guys quickly have on the vehicle?

A solid buck 40. It's OK. Perfect. All right. So you know, your file was sent over to me. We kept you all our pass and factory. Come on point. Yeah.

Now, are you, have you received any of the prices in the mail? Yeah, I've gotten a couple of shut down notices. Like, we're gonna take your hails, we're gonna shut off the electricity. That kind of shit. Mm. Okay, okay, and we're, well, I mean, we're definitely trying to send you up

to places like that. Okay. The note, the note, the note, the places we're sending you to is. Because I don't take kindly the threats. So, you know, we definitely want to know the whole purpose of what we put you in a financial line is to keep you out of one. Yeah. Now, I do need to ask just a couple quick qualifying questions about the running condition of the vehicle. Okay.

There any check engine like honor our food, Linky? No, no. OK. And have you had any major issues with the vehicle since you've owned it? Well, I had a homeless guy pissing a gas tank nearby of sheets in my area, but trust me, I beat the living shit out of him.

Well, Paul, you know what? I don't think this is going to be a fifth degree to one of us. Oh, well Paul, you know what? I don't think this is gonna be a fifth degree to one of us that I wish to give you a day. All right, thanks. Oh, man, that's all. All right, this outro is... So, Stereos is coming in next week.

I'm gonna try to get Dr. Chis to call into him. Cool. So, we can bust his balls. Oh, nice. Stereos is coming in. I think we'll get Lacey in here too. Not good. I'll have a party.

Yeah, we'll have a big party. We need more mics. More mics. We're gonna need more webcams. We got mics. This outro is by Mr. Negative. This has been the Dix show. You're gonna get to dick.show, patreon.com slash the Dix show.

See you next Tuesday. Mr. Negative's remix, it is. Oh, that's cool. Change it up. Oh man. No burning man is here. No? No. not doing it. I couldn't do it without my man. Yeah, it wouldn't be the same.

Yeah, you know, like trying to relive, you try to force a moment. You know that, like that is a really terrible feeling to have. It really is. And it's so, it's so embarrassing. And it's hard to spot. Like, you don't know, tell your end it. Tell your end it that you've tried to force a moment. Yeah.

Oh, fuck, nobody else is into this? No. And I've just made... Ugh. And it felt a little bit, it felt a little bit like that. I love everybody who goes, but if he was out, he's going to be an Abu Dhabi. It feels like he's moved on. It's on Burning Man.

Yeah. We're definitely going to be on fire as an apostate. Yeah. We get the creeping disease. Oh, man. We're definitely going to the Israel burn though. So what Israel has a burning man? They do? Yeah, it's like the second biggest, not burning man burning man.

We're gonna go. We're afraid to make jokes. Ah! Alright, alright, alright, alright. Okay, okay, fade that out. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm 5'10", 5'11", and I'm about 200. What is about to turn three pounds down to 197 or so? I have done this by going to the gym every fucking day. I have cut back on my beer drinking from like five years a night to two a night,

once to two a night. I'm going to none man. 1200 calories. My total calorie intake is like 1700. So I've been going down and waiting it's really fucking awesome. But the worst fucking thing is you have one night of eating pizza and getting shit face and you're fucking back up to two or three pounds. I wear this every fucking morning at the same time and it's like a fucking yoyo. I get one fucking day where I eat fucking greasy food or I drink a joke and the rest of the fucking week I suffer Eating fucking like a pigeon eating fucking nothing and having one to two beers a night I am that's not nothing though

Fucking losing weight now What losing weight is the biggest fucking bullshit in the world yeah box well if he's eating pizza and shit and weigh in himself the next day he's got a he ate a shit and sold no he had a lot of salt he's retained a bunch of fluid and water now that's water weight

may take a day or two oh fuck yeah shame he's so disgusted with himself for eating an entire pizza yeah i mean well both things can exist. Stringing one to two beers a night. I don't know why people do that. Like, I've, I've never been able to have one or two beers. Oh, no, me neither.

Like, give me a hundred or absolutely none. I can remember watching. I want to make out with a beer. I want to fuck the shit out of it. Yeah. Well, the whole six pack to start with, and then we, then let's talk. Yeah, then let's, exactly, then let's talk.

Then let's start thinking about drinking. Yeah, let's get it out of the way. No. Let's get the overture out of the way here. Right, right. What are you gonna say? No, I was gonna say, remember watching my sister-in-law leave like a half a glass of wine on a table in a restaurant one time, and I looked gonna say, no, I was gonna say, remember watching my sister-in-law leave like a half a glass of wine on a table

in a restaurant one time, and I looked at it, like that's fucking insane. That's insane. How can you do that? Yeah. That's, it just didn't compute. I, that you're like a month ago. When I was talking about, when Jamie was here, and I was talking about being at the beach beach and being a fucking wreck, I left, we went, we went to eat lunch and I left

a half beer on the table. And I think I even pointed it out like I know something is very too wrong with me because this is, this is a warrant what I'm doing right now. Never happen. That's what never happened. It should never happen. Please don't tell anyone about this. But I am leaving this beer, this half of a beer, which might as well be an entire beer.

Yeah. Cause I'm an optimist. Leaving on the table. Don't be drinking one to two beers a night. What the hell, man? Yeah. Just do a, do a, here's what you need to do.

Here's what you need to do to lose weight if you got a beer problem. You just get a big water bottle and microdose it with acid. And that'll give you the buzz that you're looking for and it won't make you hungry. And there's no calories, I don't think. No, I don't think anybody has calories.

Somebody fact check that. That's all you need. That's healthy. Living healthy, that's a dick tip for you on how to live healthy. That's asking for it. One to two. It's like just nothing calories. Well, two beers, like 400 calories.

Yeah, it can be, I mean, they're usually 100 to 125, something like that. Yeah. Yeah. I know, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I'm talking about weight loss. I ended up like a mannequin like that. Drinking a monodrome beer tonight.

Do you leave those fucking things? Yeah. That one was heavy. Little children see that. Yeah. They're walking around. They look at that. Like, what the fuck is that?

Because it's not a, they say, oh, that looks just like one of my mommies. Yeah. It's not, they walk it and they go, wait, these weren't, you guys don't think that these are actual humans, do you? They're, they're abstractions for humans. They're, they're to hang clothes. Yeah. What the fuck is this?

They have names too. You start naming them. Hey, it's fucking Chinese fucking Tony. Don't fuck your mother. I'm still fucking mad right now. I just came across my biggest racial all time. Did you say it crossed? The most out of anything in the world is cute wait for this idea to wait for this it works for you it's so fucking terrible i go into fucking i go into a fucking

cafe at one in the morning tis stuck i can't even get my order right i forgot how many eggs like i forgot what eggs were trying to fucking order a high spot and it was a I'm trying to fucking order a high spook and Hi, here comes the squat your ass. Dude, there's a fucking button leaning over my leg over the

Not expression to use for it's such a God is a I know it's gonna happen now because you're gonna Play with me try to make me spin one money and try to give you a big tip What I am and I know you're pretty ass as a fucking want me, but at the same time, there's a lot of self-loathing with the Chinese Tony. I've heard it before and it's called, if I could say it's a real thing. We could just run off in the fucking sunset together and me and her could just kiss each

other and drive off in my car and I have a little weight I have a little firewood in the back of my trunk and I can pull that shit out while I'm a little fired by the lake and then we'll just keep on driving into this. And some awesome comes over and knocks you later. Not what's gonna happen. That didn't gonna take you for all you have. As soon as I fucking leave I realize I'm going to punch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she just wanted me for my fucking month. I mean, I mean, it's so waitress. Literally just, that's all she does all the time. And I can't fucking blame her, she's using it,

fucking to the best of her interpretation. She does a nice girl, but me, I'm a little piece of shit and I never fucking get anything. So, you know, it all comes down to my fucking biggest rage of all, which is myself, I hate myself. There we go. There we go. Oh God. He works himself out of Met call.

Yeah, he does. He probably feels better afterwards. Do you think that the waitress that he's that inspired that call like has a mask like this? Oh, yeah. Oh, it's this guy again. No. There's you like some. Yeah. He'd never believe it, but no.

They shouldn't date. I would tell her, I'm on his side. If I was on her side, I would say he's going to clear the guy. Yeah. Could work in his favor though. He's got their whole life planned out. That's how it works though, man. That cute rachers comes over and she's whatever you want her to be.

Whatever, like not a real person at all. Just there in the most ideal condition to just be nice to you and approach you. And it really fucks with your mind because nobody, nobody ever does that. It's totally unnatural for a beautiful woman to just come up and be nice to you. And this is what it does. This is what it causes in all of us. In all of us. I'm speaking for everyone. I find one more.

Good afternoon. This is Professor Donk again. My rage is when I get too creative for as smart as I am. Uh, thing, and I'm trying to clean up my liquor cabinet and I got all the third, you know, mouthful bottles left over. So I'm like, can I make a drink? Yeah. I make a drink with drink with these things?

Yeah, so I started typing in the names of some of these bottles that I have got to be efficient Google And one of them is brandy. I don't know what the fuck to make a brandy Alexander all I know And I'm looking at this and I get this I quit on a first link on Google always the first link because if you can't do it With the first link that I'm shutting it down I get all these fucking suggestions about what type of brand you to buy, how does how to smell brandy, how to hold it. No, no, no, I know, I know to put things in my mouth. I know how to put things up my nose. I don't need this kind of help. So this is me being more creative than as smart as I am. So what do I do?

Shut it down, drink straight out of the bottle, and then call and bitch to this show when I got to be a worker a couple hours. Have a great day. It is that whatever it is that maximizing efficiency thing, I don't know, do you do that? Like I've broken scuffed or scratched or ruined so many things because I just, I wanted, like I wanted to load up the fridge, but it had to be stacking things in this specific way

because that is what made it fit perfectly and then it just, I drop it and I spill it all over the place. Yeah. Like I can't just go back and do it again. Like if there's, if I got liquor in the cabinet that's getting drunk, like it's got, like, well let me see if I can, I gotta be able to use it all somehow.

This is a, there's gotta be something better than just drinking the same thing every time. Like I've got all these other ingredients. Yeah. Sure, I'm all these other ingredients. Yeah. Sure, I'm sure I could put something together. You can't, you never can. Always bites you with the ass. Always, oh, oh, really nail it.

I'll fly in at midnight and then just rent a car and no problems at all. No problems at all. Oh, he's a problem though. Yeah. I don't know if that's what he was saying. I get it though. Like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah though. Yeah, I don't know if that's what he was saying. I get it though Like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can I can be I can use I can use everything here

This can be better. I can have a new experience with these lickers that I have no Can't shouldn't have tried No, that's the lesson to create a to create a Just stay in your Creator lane. Yeah, just put the blinders on. Yeah. All right. See you next Tuesday.