The Dick Show - Episode 66 - Dick on False Alarms

Episode Date: September 5, 2017

Sean's performance review/birthday, ROAD RAGE: LOS ANGELES, fire alarms make me wish I was burning to death, Rocketman and asteroid mining, Steve Hofstetter, comedian pilots, airport bean bags, I don't know what is a parsec, Asterios' alt-right business ideas, Hazencruz's fat girls on Tinder song, package thieves and Jokey Smurf, The Indiana Jones Leather Man BAG network, Trump Sci-Fi, an acceptable reason to abandon your family, pee arguments, the tipping point of a hangover, taking a plane crash to he face, and problems with The Red Cross; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

I like that cold open we did last week. I did too. Yeah, yeah, let's do it again. Yeah, okay You you you Yeah! Yeah! Ha! Welcome to Dick! You need Dick, you want Dick, you love Dick! It's the show! Where everything is a contest? Coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure, I'm your host Dick Masterson. With me is always is Sean the audio engineer.

Hello Dick. Hey buddy, what's up? Same old. That's same old. Same? Same old. Same old. Same old. Same old, isn't it? Sean, I got it. It's episode 66.

It is. I don't know if you know this, but that means it's time for your performance review. Oh, yeah. Good. Punctuality. Pretty decent. I've got a form right here in front of me.

Punctuality, pretty good. Yeah. Um, style, excellent. Oh, okay. Handsome chis. Yeah. Style, excellent. Oh, okay. Handsome chiseled features, really stupendous. Looking like a male model. Super A plus plus. Uploading podcasts with 10 minutes of dead air

that you did not clip out of the show last week, 10 minutes of Skype fucking around on Skype and please call back and then 30 seconds of just dead air that I would think like an audio editing guy, editing is part of audio engineering, right? Do you think it is? Yeah. Okay. Uploading episodes where there is where there is like three minutes of just terrible dead air and connection problems. Oh, that was painful. That's a I give you an F on that. Oh, come on. Your performance. Do you do? Do you want me to actually explain? Yeah, go ahead. What happened? Yeah. Okay. Well, what happened?

Is everyone, you ruined everyone's debt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As you know, and of course I've gotten zero emails about it. I've got a lot of emails about it. But there's a whole thread about it, unread it. Oh good. About how, why the fuck does Dick, is he so stupid that he thinks leaving all this dead air in is a good idea?

Oh, why does this, why does this idiot who runs this podcast think that we want to listen to this shit? What a moron. I bet he has a small penis and has never really made a woman come. Wow. That's really weird. That's really weird, because like no one's ever taken the piss you know, online with you. What a, yeah.

Yeah. What an egotistical maniac that he thinks we want to listen to this shit. Yeah. His diarrhea. Yeah. Why doesn'tgotistical maniac that he thinks we want to listen to this shit, his diarrhea. Yeah. Why doesn't he just record him eating during a break and upload that? Like there's nothing better I have to do with my life than listen to somebody fucking around with Skype.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I thought it was intriguing, but. You did? Yeah. No, no, no, what happened was, well, let's see, that was Monday we recorded another bonus episode, right? Yeah, we did. I no, what happened was, uh-huh. Well, let's see, that was, uh, Monday, we recorded another bonus episode, right?

Yeah, we did. I want to cram in there. Well, what happens is, you know, when you edit, or when you mix down something like this, you listen as you go, obviously. So, dumb it down for me. Don't use your fancy audio engineering words. Oh.

I mean, you'll, you, you, you, you don't, you're not following, listen as you go. Yeah. Okay. Um, well, I, what happened was I,, listen as you go. Okay. Well, what happened was I lost a bunch of save changes because of... You deleted them? No, no, no. Pro Tools is fun.

Somebody deleted them on you. It's always, well, it's always been what you can do. You can sit there and work in Pro Tools. And if it's going to crash, it will not save changes for like a while, even if you're hitting command S, because I'm not looking up at that little file menu to watch it go flash. Oh really?

So you were hitting command S and it wasn't working. All the, oh yeah. Okay. Oh yeah, hard to believe. Marking that down your performance of you. Go ahead. The dog ate my, the dog ate my save. That's your excuse.

No, no, no. You can, well, I mean, it's, it doesn't matter what you think, because I know what happened. Okay, I know what happened. Yeah, a bullshit MP3 file got uploaded for 50, 60,000 people. Well, here's what happened. I let it print, I made changes, I wrote volume automation,

I did stuff like that, Pro Tools crashed, opened it up, went, okay, finished my stuff, and then let it print, came to your house, came to the bunker, so that we could, so that we could, so that I could have that print to get it out on time. So that I could get drunk for a bonus episode. Well, that's what you do.

I hear what you do on your time. What you do on your time is, making it look, what I do look easy, sound easy is what you're saying. No, no, you know, you should roll. Normally I would have the time to sit there and do it, but of course I lost changes. And when we talk the next day I went back and looked at,

so yeah, look at my volume automation's gone too. So I said, Hey Sean, it's nine in the morning and everyone is shitting on me online. Do you have any idea why this might happen? Oh, I'll look at it after work. Yeah. 50,000 people already downloaded it. Well, you know.

There's no revoking that. What is it's the headline on, there's no stop the presses. The papers have already been printed and they're out the door. Dewey defeats Truman. Thanks, Sean. Sorry, we've set such an impeccable standard.

Yeah, nobody wants to listen to that shit. Yeah, I guess you could listen to any other podcast on here. And hear that. If you wanted that shit. But not this one. Happy birthday, by the way. Oh, thanks. Was yesterday.

All right, on the line, I've also got a very, very funny man. Steve Hofstetter. Are you there, my friend? I am, but I just want to listen to YouTube Bicker for the whole episode. If that's cool, I'll just stay quiet. I've got plenty more to say about that. We can still do that. Sean, you could, this is with you audio engineers.

I think that you should be able to look at a waveform and see that it's fucked, like the matrix, like blonde red head there's just gigantic gaps there you do except for when it's when it's like a three-hour podcast remember the thing is condensed okay so give it a scroll yeah give it a once I mean 10 seconds well here's what you don't expect what you don't expect is for it to revert to an earlier version, the last time that it saved, in other words. Yeah. Yeah.

So there's an anti-engineer in your computer working against you. That's what you're saying. Well, I'm saying that for whatever reason, that's above my pay grade and above your knowledge level. Nothing is above your pay grade in that MP3. I'm saying the nuts and bolts of why something does that. Nothing is above your pay grade. Yeah. In that MP3. Yeah. I'm saying the nuts and bolts of why something does that. It does that.

On why pro tools does that? Why certain applications do that where you can say, because pro tools, the most you can, you can have an auto save every one minute. But again, if it's going to crash, it won't do it. Yeah. You know what, Sean? What? I get what's really going on.

What's up? That black guy called in wanting to defend removing the Confederate statues and you wanted to make him look foolish. That's the real, it's this is really, I hear the dog of the soul. Call that my racism. Yeah, that was your secret racist agenda to make that man who bravely stepped forward to condemn me for talking about the Civil War and the Confederate war statues. That was your agenda to make him look as though he couldn't use Skype properly. Yeah. Boy, he, he's on up to that.

Every time he called in, he sounded different ways too. It was amazing. It was like he just had three different locations on three different devices. Yeah, it was, it was fucked. All right, everybody, I'm sorry about that. Can I just say as that was not, that was not, that was it was fucked. All right, everybody I'm sorry about that. Can I can I just say that was that was not that was not Dixfalt as someone who has edited stuff in the past. That absolutely happens with software and I completely have your engineers back. It happens all the time. Thanks. I love this guy. So I guess it's my fucking fault. No, it's not usual. I could

have given it a once over when it went up. No, my fault. A strange circumstance as well. All right, Steve. Sorry to the listeners because they deserve better. They really do it. I mean, I'm not sarcastic in any way about that. Yeah. As he winks. I'm not winking.

Go to patreon.com slash the dictionary. You can give video to see if whether or not Sean was winking. Steve, we've got a huge, huge, huge LA show. We're doing a live show. This podcast is doing a live show. Okay. October 13th, Friday, 8 p.m. Did you bring me on to plug your live show?

No, this is all, this is what I'm doing, but I noticed you have a special skill on your channel and that is the absolute decimation of hecklers. Oh, yeah. That's, there's nothing better than that. No, and we had a major, we had a show in Philly a couple months ago and we had a major problem with the hecklers, with the audience of this podcast

who showed up and everybody likes, everybody likes to drink. And I encourage, as much, look, as much drinking as possible that everybody can do with this LA show because if we don't hit 5K at the bar, I have to cover it. So show up, it's just like voting, drink early, drink off it, right?

So Steve, if you've got any tips, you can do it if you're dead. For us on how to handle hecklers at this next show, please give them freely throughout this podcast. The first tip I'd say is appeal to less ass holies, like ass holy people. Okay. I think that's a, like if people who are like your fans come, like when I get hecklers, it's people who don't know my shit. Like if you have your fans coming and they have a problem with you,

that's a, we'll go Dr. Phil on this. You gotta examine within. By going Dr. Phil, I mean, I have no background in any sort of analysis, just like Dr. Phil does. Yeah, I just like that. Yeah. But those are not hecklers at our show. What? Those were not hecklers at our show though. Yeah, just like Dr. Phil. Yeah. But those are not hecklers at our show. What?

Those were not hecklers at our show though. What were they? Well, they're disrupting. Yes, they're disrupting, but I mean. Well, the disrupting person is a heckler like what? Yeah, but weren't we feeding them? Well, yeah, that was my issue. That was my problem is that I was feeding them.

Feeding them. We were discussing with them, like engaging with them. But you've got a magical way of just making people look like total fucking assholes when they hackle. Well, I think that I appreciate the kind of words, but I think that really the magic is just shining a light on them. You know, I don't do anything that makes them look like an asshole.

I just allow them to be assholes. And everybody's like, hey, look, there's an asshole. Like a cat like a Muhammad al- Yeah. Cassie play. Yeah, you, you, someone walks toward you to hit you, take a step out of the way. Yeah. You don't, you know, you don't swing back, you let them fall.

Do you have a, do you have a favorite one of your videos on YouTube of you talking to a Heckler? Because it really is like, Maghiver was the icon of my childhood, or teenage years, whatever. I feel like the ability to say something, to say something to shut someone up, that's like the new greatest skill set. It is because no one will shut up.

Yeah, build a jetpack out of a duct tape, don't need it. But shutting up a loud mouth online, even no greater skill than that. You could just make me a jet pack though. I'd be cool with that. Like I'd like to have a jet pack. What would you do with it? Fly. Steal the crown jewels.

I would just fly. What would you do with a jet pack? Probably sell it on eBay. Yeah, a couple million bucks. How do you say no to that? I found a jet pack. I'm going to go on adventures. I'm going to be the rocketeer. I'll give you five million bucks. No, I'll take the five million bucks.

Thanks. Someone else can adventure. I think that my favorite one of them is probably Yeah, now I'll take the $5 million. Thanks. Someone else can adventure. I think that my favorite one of them is probably the heckle doesn't stand a chance because that's the one that made me the most money. Okay. So, heckle doesn't stand a chance. No, I think I like that one because that was one

where someone walked directly into material and it was like I was doing material about, like about parents acting like they're special. And this one parent starts yelling out basically about how she's special. So then I continue to do this material basically at her, instead of about a generic parent, it becomes about her. Also, you had all your insults already crafted.

Well, for this one, it was just she walked in the material, like if I had written a script for her to say to lead me to the next joke, I don't think I could have written what she wrote for herself. Okay, I'm gonna play it right now so people get an idea of what you're all about. Thank you.

Every now and then, a heckler just walks into material. And I know that there are parents in the room tonight, for the parents in the room, I want to make sure you know this. You're not special. You're an entire year of shit. Because parents walk around like having a kid makes you special, and that's not true. Racing a good kid, that makes you special. but I put some in. So nice. Mine's got this mess problem, but someone else is gonna be great. It takes more effort to order a pizza that does to have a chow.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Well tell me, oh god I got this, tell me this. What? Has anyone ever ordered a pizza by accident? That woman's from Michigan. Open the door, come this pizza get it here! I was hoping God could stop the pizza. I'm so confused. I'm so confused. I'm so confused. I'm so confused. I'm so confused.

I can't handle a whole pizza. I'm only 15. I can't handle a whole pizza. I can't handle a whole pizza. I'm only 15. I can't handle a whole pizza. I can't handle a whole pizza. I can't handle a whole pizza. I can't handle a whole pizza. Oh my god.

First of all, I've had a lot of fucking pizza. Here's the thing. You can't just say, well you haven't had any kids, so you don't know anything about kids, because here's the thing, I've never flown a helicopter. If I saw one in a tree, I could still be like, you fucked up. I'm not supposed to be on. Yeah, that's perfect.

Thank you. Yeah. All right, I'm gonna tell you what makes me rage this week. See, if I guess it is to do with kids, I got a big cut on my face right now, on my nose. They spent, yeah. You see it, yeah. I was up with my sister's family.

I gave the Irishman my nephew. He's got one of those old school, balsa wood, planes, where you spin up the propeller. Yeah, I'm like, okay, here you go, here you go, here you go. Let me see that thing. We're gonna do some cool stuff with it, right? Here, hold it, it was close to my face, it's possible.

Now I'm gonna wind it up. I'm gonna wind it up for you. I'm gonna wind this, I'm gonna wind this fucking thing up for you. And I've been drinking, I've been going, taking back some glasses of whiskey. I'm gonna wind this thing up for like an hour and I'm gonna use, like I'm gonna get both hands into it. Like I'm doing the hustle and fast forward, right?

I'm gonna wind this thing up and he's like, Uncle, you gotta do it till there's a knot, then you stop and like, no, no, no, man, you gotta, the whole rubber band can become knots. That's when you stop. Like I'm gonna show you, that's true. You know about rules? No, no, no, no, no, let me show, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no thing you've ever seen. This is going to break faster than you could believe. You're gonna, you're gonna have to do this

for the rest of your life. Yeah. Like here, just throw it. Really, really give it a toss though. You know, don't mess around, because I'm not gonna do it again. It took like, it took like five minutes to wind that up. So you go, okay, okay, he's off-reshing.

He pulls it back, it winds up and throws and does one of the full on 180 degree rotations and lets it go right into my face. Wow. Like the plane right into my face with the propeller still like I feel like I'm fighting off a swarm of bees as a cause the propeller's still disengaging like the five minutes of potential energy that I've put into it on your nose. I might as slice, slice, slice, slice, slice, slice, slice.

Goes away. A hundred and eight degree to so he's not be playing center field for Caltech and he's he's he's very enthusiastic. Athlete. How old is this kid? He's like four. He's just turning four. But he's old enough to punish him.

Yeah. Wait, which one is this? Little redhead. Little redhead's like four, he's just turning four. But he's- That's old enough to punish him. Yeah. Wait, which one is this? Little red head. Little red head's like four, man. No, no, he's like five. Mm-hmm. No. Yeah, he's older than my nieces.

And therefore, they're gonna be five in January. Well, then I guess he's like five. All right, all right. Okay, that's definitely- I just wanna cause there's a- Yeah, definitely old enough. So he unloads right into me. And look on his, this is the first time I've ever seen it. there's a... Yeah, definitely old enough. So we unloads right into me. And look on this, this is the first time

I've ever seen it, I'm like, well, I got that dead feeling of, well, that's what you get. You're not gonna get a human regular adult fucks you over like this. And there's a series of manipulations that you go through, like acting like it hurt too much, being the bigger man, needing your space.

But when it's a kid, it's just, I don't care. Like I know that my, it hurts, but you know, there's no, I know there's, I know there's no point in going through that series of pretending that it hurts more than it does, because you don't, I know you don't give a shit. And the first time ever, he looks, the first time ever, after the many times

I've seen him break shit. He goes, oh, sorry, Uncle. Like, oh, man, sorry about that. I was like, oh, all right, thank you. But that night as the drinking continues. And we go through, we go through the typical dad evening of my brother-in-law sitting down to play Gears of War, which is really just five minutes of figuring out how the console works, and then five, ten minutes of system updates, because we haven't played for a year.

And then about five minutes of selecting the game to play, going through the consoles, picking all the, picking all the settings, figuring out how to fuck to control everything from the last time, playing for about 10 seconds until the baby starts crying. And then he's gone because they've got to go, the parents have to go lay with the kid, right? Like you're basic, as a parent, you're a human hot water bottle. Yeah. And you just sit there. So first of all, if this woman is freaking out

at a comedy club, I know she's not doing her job because she has any energy at all. That should all be depleted. It's a run, it's a long, dark run straight to the ground every evening with these fucking kids. So I, I pass out. I have, I have the fifth whiskey or whatever, whatever however many it was,

I go upstairs and I pass out. And I wake up with the piercing, screaming shriek of the fire alarm going off. And I go through that, I go through that hay that, that, that dawn of coming to from a drunken slumber where I think this must be a dream. This isn't happening.

I have all these abstract thoughts trying to connect and figure this out like puzzle pieces that don't fit together as a like somehow if I somehow if I lay differently or concentrate really hard, this will just go away. Like the magical thinking that you have in the twilight of sleep, it doesn't go away. So I think, okay, this is, this is, now I have the panic of this is my fault somehow. This is my fault and I'm waking up and at that fucking, at that moment, I cross over from being shit face drunk to a hangover of death where there is a vice on my head with the fire alarm blaring and screaming at me as I stumble around their den trying to balance office furniture,

trying to balance this man's office furniture up so I can climb up on the wall, so I can climb up to the ceiling and figure out the arcane clitoris that is a fire alarm. Because it's never just press a button to make me stop. That could ever be accidentally touched in a million years. Like the entire thing should just be a buzzer like double dare where you could throw something at it and shut it off. But instead, it is a witchcraft of button pressing combinations like a late night gun safe that you have to do. And there's, yeah, there's little letters.

If you get your phone out, that one says one and one button says mute for like five seconds. And the other says make ring more and the other says mute for two seconds to trick you into thinking you shut the alarm off and then it will go ten times as hard. As it's one foot from your ear and you're trying to read this bullshit. It is, they are the most fucking, the number of times I have had to fuck with fire alarms versus the number of times that fire alarms have alerted me to a fire which is absolutely zero. Zero.

It's so fucking infuriating. Like as though, as though that piercing 120 decibel shriek is necessary. When I wake myself up, I say, Siri, set a fucking alarm for Barry White. I can't get enough. I can't get enough of your love, baby. At nine in the morning so I can wake up and do the podcast. I don't say, hey, please take an ice pick.

Siri, please get an ice pick out and hammer it into my skull at nine in the morning. It's not, I think the obvious solution is that we need to set your house on fire so that it actually makes sense for it to go off. You know what? At this point, I would be fucking grateful for that. And I furthermore, I bet that it wouldn't go off.

That's something would happen. The house would be burning incorrectly for the fucking fire alarms to go off. So I'm climbing up in my brother-in-law's den to try to deactivate, maybe the worst thing that's ever been invented. I don't know. I don't know how many revisions this thing went through

before we ended up with these wailing monstrosities there everywhere. And you know what? I would like it to be the old bell. You know that one? I would like it to be the old bell. You know that one? I would like that. At least it's a real thing. That's an analog.

It's an analog. This digital ear-pacing thing that you can't, like it's like Wolverine and what was the Logan movie? Where Professor X has like all timers or something and he goes crazy and everything stops and you're like, that's how I feel like Wolverine's trying to claw up to this thing like, God, it's ripping my brain apart but I have to touch this button, I have to pick which button to press like the fucking holy grail and hope it's the right one

or else my whole brain is gonna melt. In my room right now is a broken fire alarm hanging from the ceiling or what's left of it. Because of this. For that very reason, and that's not the first time I've done it. So I managed to get the, I managed to get a chair that my brother-in-law has sat in for probably ten years, and he's like an Irish Fred Flintstone, you know. What I'm saying is, the chair's not meant to be stood on. Yeah, so I'm climbing up, the hydraulics on this chair that keep it vertically upright,

have gave out when George W. Bush wasorge w bush was president that was their last day on the job they said no no we're no longer holding the back of this only a only a prayer is holding the back of this chair up so i climb up on this balancing myself on the wall i get shan't get inches away inches away from the fire alarm and that and there's that and i say

i do the mental math i I do that Bayes matrix math where I think, you know what, if I stab at this, by the way, I'm hungover, I'm a, a P K K over. I'm at P K over because every moment after this is just gets better. So you're real steady. I'm real steady and thinking really well, it's having this fucking thing scream into my face and I say, ah, you know, if I just stab at it and the chair's gonna give out a little bit, but my finger pressing into the alarm will bounce me back. Okay.

That's the plan. So it's infallible. Infallible plan. I make the thought to stab at it. And like I'm writing a segue, the chair kicks completely out from under me. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So total nose dive.

And this whole time, I'm trying to be quiet because somehow in my drunken slumberous state, I think this is my fault. Like because the thing is happening in my room, I'm like, oh God, this is gonna wake up the kids and this is everyone's gonna be so pissed at me because I have that like drunken consideration. Yeah, yeah, let's call it that.

Yeah, I'm like, oh, I gotta fix this right away. I'm gonna put, I'm gonna just stay up at, corining down and then my first thought is before I hit the ground is, well now they're definitely gonna wake up. Not thinking that a, that 20, I hit the ground. Chair goes flying, all of my brother-in-law is whatever, Not thinking that a that 20 I hit the ground. Chair goes flying, all of my brother-in-law's, whatever, just things that he uses to pretend

to do work every day, go splattering around the room. I'm looking up at a portrait of him that was drawn for his work, is he smiling there with his smug face looking down. I open the door to try to get help, because I said, no, no, this is, I'm not doing this again. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

I gotta start, I gotta learn to give up at this age. Sure. I gotta, because if you keep pressing it, you get hurt permanently. You know, you get one warning at this age, which is to stop pushing. Mm-hmm. Right? And if you don't take it, you get hurt.

Probably, you don't get warnings at like 50 or 60. Well, that's what I was just gonna say. Yeah. So I like it to get a warning. I open the door, and I see, I open the door to a scene of a scene of technological carnage, my my brother-in-law is somehow widest the second widest man in the world but he's leaping to the ceiling and grabbing these

grabbing the smoke alarms off the ceiling with his bear-sized hands and tearing them down oh so coconuts tearing them down and spiking them into the ground we have the same solution for this. Yeah, he's just going one by one, smashing them, smashing them until the very last one in my room. He shoves the door and just tears it, tears it out of the wall like he's destroying the mother's ship because he's so fucking pissed off.

And he throws it down and he looks at me like, like coming down from the state of the race and goes, are you hung over too? Yeah, and he goes, I was about 10 seconds away from just walking out the front door and never coming home with these smoke alarms. With these smoke alarms. So that's all I'm saying is that they're fucking awful. Is it they're fucking awful?

They're fucking awful. And never,'re fucking awful? They're fucking awful. And never, they've never once done me a service. No. And it's so bad that now that if they ever did warn me of a fire, I would say it's about time. Yeah, I owe me a couple more. Yeah, you owe me, you know, I'm gonna have to check my insurance policy to see who needs to be thinking

whom in this case. The fire alarms in my old dorm, my freshman year, were so sensitive that they would literally go off if you left the microwave on too long. Oh my God. Yeah, we had, and when the firearms go off in the dorm, like you don't shut them off, you can't rip them out of the wall.

Like literally the fire department comes and the dorm gets cleared and you stand outside in New York City regardless of if it's winter. And so no exaggeration twice a week. All because of a fucking hot pocket twice a week. It got to the point where like we would all get out there and people be because at first it's like what happened and then eventually it's like oh was someone pouring a bowl of cereal.

Yeah, is that is that pouring a bowl of cereal? Yeah, yeah. What is that? Is that what did it this time? The powdery fluff from cereal got into a... Yeah, absolutely. It was a silo explosion. It mistook it for smoke. You know, fruity pebbles, some of them are red. Yeah.

So it saw that, thought it was a fire. Yeah, when's that coming? The optical fire alarm. Now, the smoke, the smoke's two, we're sensing for the Google's rolling out the new visual learning fire alarm. The best as a conclusion error. The best as a conclusion error.

You saw which two people happen to have to come out half dressed together. Yeah. So we learned a lot about who was hookin' up with who based on those fire alarms. Does any pickup artist recommend just going in and like pulling the fire alarm at three in the morning to get chicks out in their underwear and pajamas and to mingle a little bit? I think a rapist might recommend that.

I'm not sure about a pickup artist. That was my first thought. Yeah. Oh, only I could go back to college and do it again. It's like, yeah, you know, I'll cut that part. Spread the love. Yeah. I'll cut that part if I can find it.

Yeah. That Amber Alerts do those too. Yeah. Interrupt, God, dammit. I've had one or two intimate moments ruined with an Amber Alert. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean. I'm like, oh, please, please, please, please, don't. This amber alert is going to fuck everything up. It's darn.

You just shut that. You mean like to alert on your iPhone? Yeah. You just shut that off. I shut that off, but she did not. Mm-hmm. And that was the end. Okay.

So what you're telling me is that she was not turned on by the thought of a missing child? No, and she wasn't turned on by my rant about how it was all security theater and that or just a way to get for dads who are stealing their kids back to get busted by the cops. Well, you're abducted by someone you know. Yeah. And that it's not about actual. And then it's just a way to sell a big boondoggle. Yeah, it's probably a turn off in the bedroom. That went for a long time. Big buzzer funding all these pseudo studies, right? Yeah.

Let's see. I think when you asked her to join your Patreon, I think is probably when you lost her. That's an hysterios move. I don't do that. I don't mention shit about shit. I never have mentioned shit about shit to girls. It's too risky. What do you mean?

About the show? No, not about this show, but way back, not about the other podcast that we did. Oh, not my book. Never, never once. I would guess you don't think women would like your book. No, well, you know what's fucked is that the ones I would like would like it. Yeah.

But like having to explain, it's just a tough, it's such a tough needle to thread. Having to like explain it properly and convince them that it's like not a joke, but it's a joke, but it's not, you know, also not, but it is, but it's not. It's not a good first date conversation, I guess. No. I think you should probably, like, on a first date, you'd be better off just being like, someone's the last time you banged a guy. Like I think that would even be a better opener.

Yeah, they usually volunteer that without asking. You and I date very different people. They, your girls that you date don't do that? They don't just go, oh man, I had sex last week. No, they don't do that. Oh my God, the girls that I've dated trip over themselves to talk about their exes. Well, that fucking crazy.

That's what I'm gonna say, too. It's more inferred. And the fact that the last time you had sex were two very different things. Right, right, right. I guess they, in my world, though, two different things. They might be the same thing to someone else. Yeah, someone who has emotional problems like me.

Yeah, yeah. You gotta stop swiping on Craigslist as the problem. Yeah. Have you ever read some of the ads on Craigslist? I mean, I'm familiar. Just for fun. I don't like sit there and try to find somebody off of them. I don't know.

They always crack. It cracks me up the lives that some people lead. Cause they work. Like those ads that, they must work every once in a while. But it'll be, it'll be the cheesiest over the time. I don't know, one ad specifically, this friend of mine lived with a guy who would post them all the time.

His wife was a flight attendant and he would post these Craigslist ads all the time when she went out of town. Oh, I know who this was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't remember how she found this out the first time, probably because he was a huge fucking creep and would find ways to let her know subtly

by leaving his computer open and right in front of her door. It would be- He was probably that he logged in on her account and was like, hey, we're gonna have a threesome. And she's like, I did not agree to this. Yeah. It would be like this real creepy come on. Like, we're gonna have a good time

and all of this is like grossing you windows, like clumsy and you windows. And then he would always put the same big smiley face Jeff on the bottom. That was his calling card. Well, it also, you know, it goes to what you're saying about in terms of the types of people that are attracted to you and that you're attracted to.

Like I, so I got divorced a year and a half ago and I'm just like, you know, using these apps for the first time this past year. Yeah. And a buddy of mine that I tore with also used them. And his opening lines and my opening lines are always very different. And I always wonder like, how did that line work?

Like, what kind of self-esteem does this person have that that line worked? And then I realized it's like, what's like a line your buddy uses? Yeah, like, I mean, where he'll legit just, you know, say something of the effect of, you know, like, I mean, where he'll legit just, you know, say something of the effect of, you know, like, hey, I'm only in town for one night. Why don't we, you know, why do we get together? And, you know, I'll, I'll strip you naked and blah, blah, blah.

Like, extensively describes what he's going to do. And I'm like, how the hell does that work? And then I realize, oh, the women who are attracted to his profile, it works on them. Yeah. Whereas the women who would be attracted to my profile, it would not, they would be horrified by that. Because I want to be told how to raise a kid. Yeah. Right, who are attracted to his profile.

What do you use? What's your line? Steve, like, what kind of, what are girls that respond to when you're profile? One line that worked, well, in my profile, I don't have a pickup in my profile, but in one line that worked really well, I said, oh, are you tired of all the six foot four red-headed comedians hitting on you?

It's silly, because obviously I'm the only one of me. Yeah. It's a thing, so. And also it sets the tone of like, hey, I am flirting with you. Like this is, I'm not messaging you to go sit down and have coffee and never see each other. Yeah.

So it's too thinking. I would never, I could never use something that's cerebral. Well, yeah, because you want people who don't think. Correct. Correct. I wish they would just, I wish they would tell you exactly like what you should say. I always wished on those fucking apps that it would, that there would just be like a little, like a little chart.

Like this is, this is how I want you to act. Because aren't we all just, well, I guess not you, but I assumed everybody was just picking one type of guy to go with and then thinking, oh, let's see if she likes this guy. And then the answer is no, I was like, ah, I wish I could have just tried a different guy. They're all the same.

I got like, I got like five different guys I could be. I know, I know you'll, I could interest you in one of them. It's like dating online is like a fucking episode of, what was that money haul show? What's behind the door? It's because you are five different guys. I'm one guy and I only know how to be that one guy. Like, I do not know how to attract a dumb woman. I don't. I cannot.

If someone's like really hot and really dumb, I have no chance. If someone's really hot and really smart, I have a great chance. I don't know how to have a conversation. And this was true even in college. I couldn't sit there in a bar and say, I'm so drunk eight times in a row back and forth, which seemed to work for some guys. Yeah, that's great. They'd be like, oh man, I'm so drunk eight times in a row back and forth, which seemed to work for some guys. Yeah, that's great. They'd be like, oh man, I'm so wasted. And she'd be like, I'm hammered. He'd be like, I'm drunk.

And we just go back and forth. And I'm sitting there be like, I'm bored is what I am. So I don't want to do that. I don't mean it. And that's fine. That's just not the type of person that I'm attracted to or is attracted to me. Yeah.

Well, there are even guys right now who are listening to this who hear me say that and be like, I don't like that guy. So like, you can only, you can only attract the type of person that you can attract and that's all you can do. Yeah, the problem is, the problem is if you're nobody, it's really hard.

It's frustrating. What do you mean? If you don't have, if you don't have that go to, this is who I am. Like if you have the sick idea in your head, like, oh, all I have to do is just be somebody that this person is into, and then I can get whatever I want. That's when you run into problems. I mean, when getting the person is more important than having a sense of self, the problem, I mean, just to see her now.

When getting the person is more important than having a sense of self, that's when I'm talking about. And that's, sure, but that's also, I mean, part of, that's part of why I find dating to be much easier now than I did when I was younger because I didn't know who I was. When I was younger, it was a matter of like,

oh, someone pretty smile at me, she must be my soul mate. And really, it's like, no, there was a guy behind me that she knows. So, like now, because there's also a situation, like I was talking to a girl where, like immediately, she's like, oh, you're a comedian, do you? Aziz Ansari. And so already I'm annoyed. Yeah. Sure. Already I'm annoyed. And so I say, I say, oh, you know, yeah, yeah, I know Aziz. And she goes, she goes, oh, are you, are you friends with him? And I'm like, all right,

well, that wasn't enough fine. So I go, well, I wouldn't call his friends. I've known him for over a decade, but we're not close by any stretch of the imagination. And she just goes, oh, name dropper. And I'm like, unmatched, immediately unmatched. Like, I don't care that this is a physically attractive person. Like, she's horrible. So why would I waste my time on someone who I'm gonna be annoyed by eventually?

You have to know yourself and you have to know what annoys you. That's true. All right. What makes you got anything that makes you a rage? I got some other stuff. I have, I mean, I have rage here and there about many things. The thing that made me rage the other day was I'm driving through up state New York and I saw I'm on stateoo 15, which is like right outside of a Aristotle New York. And I'm driving through and I see a dog on the road. And like not a dead dog, like a live dog. And I have like a huge soft spot for dogs.

I always stop. It's weird when I see a cat. I'm like, this guy, I'm sure it'll be fun. I don't care. Yeah. But when I see a cat, I'm like, I'm sure it'll be fun. I don't care. Yeah. But when I see a dog, I'm like, I have to help this. And so I have a tendency. I tore a lot.

I'm on the road a ton. I stopped for dogs. And so I stopped trying to get this dog, and I couldn't. It was clearly very scared, a little bit aggressive because of that. And I was like, all right, I can't do this myself. So I was like, I'm gonna call, so first I call the cops

and I go, hey, can you put me through to non-emergency? Because that's what you do. You don't take up 911's time. Be like, hey, funny thing. So I go, can you put me through to non-emergency? So she goes, well, is it emergency? I was like, no, like I just said that. Like, and here I am trying to not waste dispatches time

and she's clearly bored because it's rural New York and she has shit to do. And like she's just bored of taking calls about meth overdoses. So like I explain her, I was like, look there's a dog on the road and I just wanted to call it in and whoever takes care of that. So we go back and forth for a little,

she didn't really understand what I was saying. Finally, she puts me through to the number. So these are the people who take care of this. Their job is to take care of animals, okay? And I call them up and I was like, hey, there's a dog in the middle of root 15. And the dude goes, yeah, that's probably someone's dog. And I was like, yeah, yeah, that's why I'm calling about it.

Because someone's dog is in the middle of Route 15. And he goes, you're calling about someone else's dog. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, yeah, see, because I like a guy to... At this point, you should know that you've messed up. Like this is, you're expecting way too much out of the system at this point. I couldn't believe, well well because it gets way worse because then

I was like I go Yeah, you know like I tried to go get it and I couldn't because I think it's a little scared and so I tried to get it But I couldn't and he goes you tried to take someone else's dog And so that and at this point like I'm like trying I'm about to bang my head against the car window, and I keep going, I'm like, I'm gonna get to the part where he knows that this is a thing. I'm gonna get to the part where this person, he can speak to me, he knows words, right? I'm gonna get to the point where the words in order make sense.

And so I say, I wasn't trying to take their dog, I was trying to save the dog. Like I went out, the dog was in the road and I tried to get it to come to the car and I couldn't, I tried to save the dog. And he goes, from what? So, at that point. I'm so pissed off right now.

At that point, I said, how the fuck is this town named Aristotle? And that's when he hung up. So I called a different number, and then that person was very pleasant, and then they sent someone to go get the dog. And then meanwhile, that first guy's just retelling the same story at the bar after we're going, oh, you wouldn't believe how pissed off

I made this guy today. Oh no, I think he was telling a story in a different way. I think he was telling the story about the guy who. I think he was telling a story about the identity who called up trying to steal someone's dog. Yeah, yeah. He's like, can you believe that someone tried to steal somebody's dog today? And he told me about it.

And he wanted my help. Yeah. Yeah, man, no matter how bad you want to, you can never preemptively do anything with people. Like you call, like in this case, I call them up like, okay, I'm just gonna, we're gonna call up, we're gonna connect and I'm gonna read you exactly. I'm just gonna speak and then we're both gonna hang up because there does not need to be any follow up questions. Yeah. That's my fantasy call. Hello, like hello, this is the police.

What do you want? Look, it's not an emergency. There's someone's dog running around on the road. It's a traffic hazard, safety violation, and I want to get this person's dog back. If you got any spare units, send them over here. Check out this dog because I'm not prepared to deal with it. So you relay this message to everyone and then just hang up. If it helps, the dog is black. Yeah.

Get somebody out there. If it helps, if it helps, this is a description of the dog, but you shouldn't need it, goodbye. That's my fantasy call in every scenario, with every single person, hey, this is, and it's how I want it to be done with me. Oh, I had just this morning. I, so I bought a new mic on Amazon. And it's like this really great super high end,

like it's just two directional shock on mic. And they sent it to me and it's like this piece of shit other thing that was just like, they just got the order wrong. Like they sent me like a microphone on iPhone. And I was like, no, this was like, I bought a professional microphone. So like I call up and like I tell them,

I was like, hey, you know, yeah, I bought the MKE 4400 and you sent me a different model. And they were like, oh, is there a problem? I'm like, yeah, like I bought a different thing and you sent me something else. Why would there not be a problem? And they're like, well, what's the problem? I'm like, the problem is that I gave you $350 and you gave me a piece of shit.

That's the problem. Like, and after a while, and it's so difficult because like, that's not the person who made the mistake, but they're being so fucking dumb about it, that like, I'm now taking out all of my annoyance that like, I haven to repack the box and print out the label and do all this shit. And not even having the mic I was supposed to have in my hand today. Yeah, and I'm taking it all out now.

Why do you think you're sitting in that chair today? Why do you think that you're on? What do you think your purpose is? Like everybody needs to be aware of their reason for doing what they're doing, and they're just not. Like you go, what is your, it's like, I mean, this is a big leap, but those cops, those cops who arrested the nurse, basically,

you see that video online? I didn't see it, but I'm aware of it. I mean, you could imagine, it's more horrifying seeing it than just imagining what it could be like, but it's basically what you imagine. They wanna do their thing, they want the nurse to do what they say, and she says she can't,

because it's like not legal. And she's completely right. Yeah. She's either she's, she's either like technically right or, you know, it's just totally unnecessary. Well, I wish there was like a cop there that she could have asked about the law. Yeah. Well, and that's my point. We're going to, we wish cops knew the law. You just want to sit him down and say, do you understand what your purpose is for being here today? It's just like general, to generally keep society

from breaking down. That's why it's to take the tremendous crimes and powerlessness and kind of be a custodian for that. Like. Well, I had a cop once pull me over for what he called unsafe lane change, but basically what happened was I did nothing wrong at that point. I mean, look, I tend to speed, but other than that, I'm pretty, pretty safe car.

That's what cars are for. Yeah. And so I, but in this time, you know, I was going speed limit. I'm, you know, I, I put my turn signal on. I take the lane carefully because I I don't wanna fucking die. And the cop was behind me and he was speeding. And so he had to slow down to normal speed. And so he got mad and he pulled me over again.

Oh yeah, that's not, they can't handle that. The cop mind, the human mind in general, but the cop mind especially cannot handle being forced to slow down on their joy ride, their permanent joyride around the city. Well we had like this, you know, this back and forth, and he, like he said, he's like, well, I'm, because I was like, why would you give me a ticket for this? And he was like, well, if I would hit you, it would have been your fault. And like I tried to explain to him that like, a, you didn't hit me.

Yeah. And b, in California, which is one party state, so the person in the back of the accident is responsible for the accident. Because it's right in front of their face. And he like didn't agree with me on that. And that's when I was like, oh, I wish we could ask a cop about this.

Like, why do I know this and you don't? Like, how is that possible? And there are a lot of people who would be like, well, don't tell me how to do my job. And it's like, well, someone needs to. Yeah, you're a cop. You're the only person who doesn't get to say that. Yeah, well, but also if you're doing your job wrong,

like, and I get it, if people come up to me after a show and they'll be like, well, I really think you should have done this thing with that joke. What I want to say to them, first of all, is you know nothing about comedy, and second of all, I do that on purpose so that it can set up another joke, a half hour down the line, and your P-brain is not smart enough to understand that. It's more than one joke at a time, it's an entire structure of an hour, and that's more important than the single joke.

But I don't do that. I just smile. Thank you very much. And that's a case where it's like, okay, don't tell me how to do my job. But if you legit get something wrong, if the TSA tell you that you're not allowed to opt out, I'll tell them how to do their job because that's fucking wrong. If a cop doesn't know the law, I will tell them how to do their damn job because they're wrong.

And so there are situations where, you know, I'm not going to tell, look, I'm not going to tell the pilot to like how to use the instruments. I have no fucking idea how to fly a plane. What I am going to tell them is that on a red eye, shut the hell up and let us sleep. Yeah. That I know you let us sleep. Yeah. That I know you're doing wrong. Yeah, and don't tell me, after I've been waiting for, after I've had to show up ungodly early,

two hours, even an hour, even 10 minutes early for a plane is too fucking early to show up. After I've sat there and kept myself awake in the most uncomfortable waiting lobby on the planet, everybody there, everybody there can be a functioning member of society, solely by the virtue of them being able to afford an airline ticket. Every single fucking person in an airport is someone who can have a nice thing, who can have like reclining chairs in an airport. Everybody there deserves a nice, comfortable floor, some fucking bean bags, throw some

bean bags in an airport terminal. So I have someone to sit down and type with where everybody's huddled around an electrical socket, like primitives around a fire. Just give us a fucking bean bag or a log that we can sit on. Like it's 10,000 BC while we're charging our shit for the plane, for some reason, kind of a fucking USB in the seat. While we're there, go ahead. Oh, sorry.

I had a, so you know, Southwest does all that, you know, like they say, because I tweeted at them kind of a, what the fuck? Because it was this guy who just wouldn't shut up. And he was just trying to make all these jokes and he was horrible. Oh, God, the comedians, yeah, yeah. That was a comic. I'm both annoyed at that because it's like, hey, imagine if I were on stage in the middle of my show and just started being a little bit of a flight attendant, that

would be ridiculous. And everybody would be like, I'm sorry to give people safety instructions. You're giving instructions for a Heimlich maneuver. Hey, by the way, everybody in case someone starts choking, I'm going to pantomime the moves for a Heimlich maneuver during my comedy set. And this isn't an anti-coffman anti-humor bit. This is me talking to you like you're fucking five.

This guy legit said to us when we landed that we've been a great crowd. And I'm like, I'm not your fucking crowd. I'm 17 F and that's it. That's it, I'm not your crowd. And it's so annoying and it's especially bad on like a really early flight or really late flight because you know half the people there are trying to sleep.

But the worst thing about that whenever this shit happens and I've seen this from it's like the shitty jokes on airlines to I was in Mexico at a resort and there was this guy there who was playing keyboard and he was so horrible and it was like around Christmas time. And this is where you are on Christmas time when the drunk at this resort. Trying to play a journey. All the way. No, this is like legit. This is a quote, this guy, he was like singing. And I'm just a dinner. I'm not at a show.

I'm at dinner. And this guy from the resort like comes in sets of a keyboard and I'm like, I fucking great. And then he starts singing. He legit says the words, this song is better dear friend of mine. A little dear, a reindeer, a reindeer named Rudolph. And I'm just looking around like,

what the, are you serious? And like half the other people are applauding and excited. Yeah, it's great. And that's the thing that bugs me the most, the idea that there are legit people who like on that plane when this guy is making horrific jokes, horrifically bad, they're so stupid. There's like an old couple across the aisle for me,

just acting like they're at showtime at the Apollo. Oh. Oh. Congratulations, you're on the way out. Oh, it's so... Oh, it's so... And he's, he doesn't get any negative feedback because he's a pilot.

It's like, yeah, man, I don't want to fuck with you because you got too much power in your hands, but just, it's like, like, I never, I have never felt comfortable hitting on waitresses. I've done it. Yeah, but because they have unocaptive. Yeah, it's like a prisoner. I mean, you're basically like Fritzel, Joseph Fritzel, when you're doing that, or Ariel Castro,

who is that guy that had the woman in his basement for six years? Castro. You're basically that guy if you're hitting on a waitress because she has no choice. She's your prisoner. She can't be a pain in the ass, she'll get fired. So if anybody's ever captive for you

like a whole plain full of people and you're the pilot, you are to give, you are to absolutely, you are to give them none of your personality. You are a robot, no eye contact. Just point, not even any words, just point on the menu to the way it's what you want, and that's it. And you know what, you wanna be, I'd say, you wanna be friendly, you wanna crack a joke here and there

that is part of the announcement, that's fine. Don't go down the damn list of flight attendants and tell me which actor would play them in a movie. Oh, wow. Yeah. And also, not even be close. Like just saying things where he's like, well, you know, and I'd be Bradley Cooper.

It's like, fuck you. You'd be Gary Cooper only because he's dead and decomposing. Like, yeah, you need to have some kids, man. This is what kids are for, just unloading this black hole of narcissism that you feel the need to express upon us. This is why you have children to do this. They'll listen to this.

I think actually the advantage if I had kids, what I would do. I would, I would bring them up to tell people this stuff and be like, oh, the kids say the darnedest things, right? And then like legit. The most passive way of saying, fuck you, you suck and I hate you. Yeah, the kid would legit, like I would train my kid

to go up to the pilot and just be like, can you stop trying to be funny because it's not working? Like I would tell him to do that. Sure. You'd use your kid like Andy Milanakis. Oh, absolutely. I would, you know what, I'm just gonna borrow people's kids to fly with now and just, I'll just train them.

It's a good idea. My sister called me up the other day and said, little Irishman just asked, what is the federal government? And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's like a me-shaped hole in the garage door and I had to get out of the go drop some truth, go drop some black pills on them. Yeah. Quickly as possible. Yeah.

Uh, no, if you, once you get through that lobby and you get on the plane for a red eye, that first 10 minutes while everybody's waddling through trying to cram all the corpses that they've packed into the overhead compartment and then staring at it as though, as a as though it's a complete surprise. Like this is a complete what do you mean things it's possible that things don't fit into things? What is everybody can you can you believe this? Can you as though acting indignant enough will some people will somehow defy the laws of physics when that's going on. I'm going to sleep and as soon as that's mother as soon as the fucking pilot breaks into my sleep to tell me that they're dimming the lights so that I may sleep I start going I can feel myself either dreaming

and I don't know if I'm going I'm taking over the plane right now I got all that I got I'm trying to fashion dynamite on to my, yeah, go ahead. What are we gonna say? It's so amazing. I was gonna say. I was gonna say. Sleep. That also, I don't know if, like, I don't know if I am blessed with the understanding of basic spatial relations, you know, like when you're like four and you have those little puzzles

and you like put the shapes in. Yeah. Like, I feel like half the plane is just pushing a circle into a rectangle. They never finished one of those puzzles. No, they just don't understand. They've just got this thing and I just want to be like, turn it around. You can't see, just turn it the fuck around.

Like, you can't see that it just doesn't fit that way, but it's smaller on the other side and it would. Like, you can't, you can't see that. You know? Like, I don't know your bag. I've never spent any time with your bag. I wasn't holding your bag the last couple hours like you were, and I'm familiar.

Like, how do you not know? How do you not know it? Let me see. I got one more. We gotta introduce me, Ray. Geometric elitist on the phone apparently. Seriously, I'm a... Spatial privilege.

Check your spatial privilege. That's a real disability. Yeah, people have. The people have, they're trying to put circles into squares. Some people only see in two dimensions. Yeah, and as they get... By the way, I don't mean a circle that's smaller than the square because then it fits in just not correctly.

I mean like a circle bigger than the square. Yeah. Let's see, package these. I was hanging out with my life coach the other day. Derek, you know, the IRC channel. Yes. From Derek Gouley from the IRC channel. He came out, he was having an interview in Santa Monica. He dropped it in there. I was hovering around the IRC channel and I was like hey let's meet up after your interview I'm over there you you literally are interviewing like right in the same building where coach works hmm I'll be there um next thing you know rock command comes through town oh yeah he was here this week. He was, dude. He was here and we woke up.

We woke up with about $80 of McDonald's, wrappers and boxes, strewn all over us. Like a disgusting orgy of processed food. Wow. Fish filet boxes. Last thing I remember was laying on the floor like David Hasselhoff trying to cram a Fish filet boxes. Last thing I remember was laying on the floor like David Hasill,

I was trying to cram a fish filet down my throat. But he's getting really into asteroid mining now. Really? Yeah. He's worked on telescopes and he's an astrophysicist. Yes. He's worked on telemetries. Isn't he really,

he's done a very short line to like, what name comments or name stars or name. Out of some bullshit. All right, turns out it's a poor shit. Yeah, it's not, it's not a horse shit, but it's like, it's this world of academics who get to do all this cool stuff that we have no chance of.

Like he's talking about it, he's talking about this asteroid mining company that he's interviewing to work with. And he's like, oh yeah, asteroid the size of a stadium, or the size of a football field has more platinum than has ever been mined on Earth. It's like trillions of dollars.

I'm like, wow, that's really cool. And I guess the choices that I have made in my life prohibit me from ever being a part of that. Really fucking happy for you that you get to do that. Great, cool. So that's how the day started. So I was drinking with a vengeance. I was drinking with a vengeance.

You were mad at your life choices. I was mad at my life choices. I was mad at my life choices being in space. Yes, a drink till it's not his responsibility anymore. Because the kid in me was like, hey, there you go, idiot. You could have done that. You could have been part of that. You could have been part of a cool community of people who respected each other and worked with their peers for the betterment of man. I think that there are there are petty assholes in every single profession. Yeah, that's true.

Like, you know, you know that there are people who are like astrophysicists who are like, do you see what Doug did? See what that piece of shit Doug did? I'm not showing you my formula. You show me yours, you show me your first. I'm not showing you where I found this asteroid. Anyway, we did a great time.

Coach hits me up afterwards though. He sends me this video he's got of some dude straight up following a delivery van to his house, hopping out in like a high visibility vest and stealing a package right off his front porch. Never, like, right in his house, right in the guy's house. So the other guy pulls up, drops a package. The dude, it's, the dude pulls up like a drive-through,

parks right where the guy was, jumps out in his high-vis vest and does like a little silly, silly run and silly dance to go grab the package, just subscripts with it. It's like you gotta be. That's a brilliant idea. I'll bet it happens all the time. Yeah, brilliant and fucking horrible. He's like, yeah, my wife is all she says it feels like a violation. It's a fucking total violation. Yeah.

Like that's that's I want to feel I want to just go feel, like now that we know where the thief hits, I would like to take a box and fill it up with a bomb, like, jokies smurf and just set it on his, like, pay the same delivery guy. Hey, just drop this off. Drop this off in the front so the guy gets back in his car and then it just explodes. A car exploded for no reason on the 405 today. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe the brazen like it wasn't He didn't even look around like a burglar like he didn't even look over his shoulder He just walked up grabs it this fucking video grabs the package and just puts a tuxed under his arm and walks back to his car He'll just sell it

Yeah For like what the I mean how often do those guys are just stealing jerk off lotion? As hard as it is sometimes to get your act together enough to replenish the never-ending pile of exhaustible shit that powers everyone's life, this motherfucker's going around just stealing 25 bucks worth of it out of time off of your porch. Well, the thing I was concerned because this week, like part of the Amazon script was because I was buying all kinds of new recording equipment, including three brand new cameras. That exact same fucking thing happened to me.

I ordered three cameras and they all got stolen. Well, thankfully they made it, but there was a piece of me that was just kind of like, well, I guess we're rolling the dice here. Let's see what happens. And there's always the, like, they don't even wait anymore now when they ring the bell. Like, it used to be they ring the bell. If you're there, you open the door and then take the package. Yeah.

I have been like sitting in my living room couch. My front door is maybe eight feet away. Doorbell rings immediately. I say, coming. And then I get to the door and I open it. And like, I don't even see them walking away. Like, they have left so quickly. Yeah.

That they're not, there's no trace of them. Like, maybe there's like smoke in from a cartoon. You know what? I like that, though. When they used to make you sign the thing to get your package, I would always say, they go, what are we doing here? You could have just scribbled on this bot.

What is the purpose of this? Just leave it. Just leave it. No, I understand. And I will say that the less I have to interact with people in person, you know, the better. Yeah, I'm into that. But there's got to be, dude, this way, the way he was sontering off is way too obnoxious

for that to go unpunished, like something, man. Somebody's got to figure out a way to booby trap a box with a stink bomb or something like that. Maybe not an explosion because that's probably illegal because Because of legal. But did you ever see the guy who stole the gold off the Brings truck? No. Oh, this was amazing. You have to look this up.

You'll marry? So these guys had, you know, the armored car, and it was like a bucket of gold. Like just a bucket full of gold. And these guys weren't really paying attention to their job. And I'm sure they'd be like, don't tell me, you have to do my job. So like, well, watch the gold asshole, that's their job. And I'm sure they'd be like, don't tell me how to do my job. Like, well, watch the gold asshole, that's your job.

Anyway, this guy just walks over and just takes a bucket of gold off the truck. And I don't know if they've found him because for a while, he like just kind of disappeared. And it was, it's one of these things that the whole internet was rooting for him because it was just so ballsy. Yeah.

It was incredible. I'm gonna look this up and see if he's still around. All right. Steve, do you have anything to plug? Thank you for calling in, by the way. Thank you. Oh, wait, hold on a second. Oh, he was caught in an Ecuador.

Oh, how much did he take? 86 pound bucket of gold. Oh, it's, what is it? 1,500 an ounce, about 16, 22. What is that? Like 40 million bucks? This sure is. I'm trying to see if they say.

400 million. It's always that extra zero. Yeah, but fucking zero. This was incredible. I mean, like, look this up. Oh, no, it says only because of gold, like they say estimated to be worth 1.6. Million?

Yeah. 86 pounds is only 1.6 million. I don't know. This is just, you know, this is just what I'm reading is very briefly, because I'm also talking to you guys, so I'm just skimming. But anyway, plugging, yeah, coming to shows. I have a tour that is stopping in over 150 cities and in about somewhere, I think it's like a dozen or maybe two dozen countries.

Next year? Oh, wow. You shit. Yeah, you can check out all the cities at SteveHopsetter.com. And of course, my YouTube, YouTube.com slash the Hofsetter. If you Google my name, you don't have to spell it, that's fine. Google will fix it up for you. They got your back. He's got a lot of really funny videos on there making fun of Heclerz. I mean, I went through him, and it's all, all the Hecler stuff is so fucking funny to me.

It's like five million views on this thing, Sean. I know, I've looked at the views, it's impressive. Are you doing any shows with Aziz, I'm sorry? You know, I know them, but I wouldn't call his friends. Yeah, so. Hey, are you a titser and ass man? What? Are you a titser and ass man?

I ask everybody that. If I have to choose between the two, I'd say I'm a titser an ass man I ask everybody that if I have to choose between the two I'd say I'm a tits man but what a horrible world would we live in that we're forced to choose. No we have we have to keep up this we have to keep up this myth of having a preference to keep women on their toes. You know like they're always they're always sliding that dick size thing at us like they they're all like, well, you know, it's about how you move, it's about the thickness, not about the length.

When really, they have no idea. Like, if a woman is backing up and she says, how much room do I have? And you say, either, well, you have two inches or a fucking parsec. Like, she has no idea what the difference, they can't tell the difference of inches in your cock. Right, but they keep going, yeah, go ahead. I don't know what a parsec. There's no idea what the difference, they can't tell the difference of inches in your cock, right?

But they keep going, yeah, go ahead. I don't know what a parsec. I mean, I know that it's a reference to like Star Wars, but I don't know. It's how far light can travel in a year. So it's a very, very, very long, very, very, very long, very long distance. Fair. Okay. Yeah.

Understandable. I've never had someone worried about my dick size. Is that, is that weird? No, it's not weird, but it's like, they keep it. It's always, it always comes up. Like it always, you're always there like, oh, what's the, what's the, I don't know why maybe it just comes up for me like in my bubble on the internet, but there's every couple years, there's this, oh, what's the average dick size? What's the, what do women prefer in the dick size? Like, what do you mean what do women prefer in a dick size?

Well, they're just trying to advertise to you. As someone who's six foot four, I can tell you that on these dating apps, at least height is the most important thing. The thing that so many women put on the thing is like how tall the guy is. Right. So, I mean, one of the things they look, I am PST and Pail, I have red hair, I'm not in

good shape, I'm skinny, but not in a good way. And put that on. Skinny fat. Exactly, skinny fat, but thank God for hype. So what that's called. Exactly. Skinny fat, but thank God for height. Yep. That's all I got. They put you put your height, but do they put their weight? Is there a quiz pro quo? I mean, they do in pictures. Oh, you got to be careful. You got to be careful with those. It's like a fun house mirror.

Well, the trick is any picture taken like it with that bird's eye view. Yeah. That trick is, like that's one, the first time, so the first week I'm on the apps, my friend who was single is like showing me how to use them. And like I see this one girl and she's got that, that top down view and immediately he goes, no. And like what are you talking about?

And he goes, just trust me on this, no. Anyone who has that, like that's a cheating picture. And so, like I tried it, and like anyone looks good from that view, no matter what, anyone. I should set the studio cameras up like that in here. You should. Yeah. I'm looking at it right now. This is what it would look like

if it was set up at a Myspace angle right here. Mm-hmm, it's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. All right, man. I'm really better. Thank you for calling in. And Steve, Steve, Steve Hoffs, better. Check it on YouTube.

Have a good one. Thanks, guys. Yep. He's got a lot of views. He's got a million. He's got a big presence, man. That's people love it. It's just so it's like the such a terrible fear to sound like an asshole. You know? Yeah. The fear of having, the fear of having tried to say something and having it come

out poorly. Yeah. So that's the So that's what we're all afraid of. It's not healthcare. Obama fixed that. It's not having a job, you know, because you only have a job to be fulfilled and everyone's already fulfilled. So we don't need that, but sounding like an idiot, you can't, you always have to interact with someone,

you know? It's the worst, the worst thing I get to happen is you sound stupid and then here's this guy standing up on stage, just eviscerating people like Marcus Aurelius for daring to speak out. Yeah, well now it's never been easier to sound like an idiot in front of a ton of people and to have it recorded for posterity yeah that's true uh... okay piscate piscate is here in a big way did you see what's going on with piscate uh... i've been told about it everybody took a survey yeah read it the face book on twitter and make it's like probably three or

four thousand people took the survey and really backfire on me. I thought it would be over. Well, I thought I thought it would at least be even. Yeah. That most people were using the fly and their pants to piss out of because that's what it's for. Right?

Not true. I guess. Not the case. You give a people, you give people a, you give people a tool and they will just turn it around and use it, like you give them a screwdriver, they use it to scratch their ass. That's what I'm saying. Pearls before swine.

It's Pearls before swine, Sean. Whoever invented the flies rolling around in his grave, it was about 70% 60 to 80%. I would say average about 70% of people, undoing their belt, undoing their zipper and pulling their pants down with their thumb to piss. So I have a brilliant idea. I want to get 10 people from each side, including me.

You understand. And I want us to switch for a week. Like I want the over the top still own pissers and the flyer die pissers to swap. So I want to be, so for a week, maybe we'll start this next week because I want to get a bunch of people together to try this out.

I'm going to be undoing my belt and undoing the fucking button on my waistband every time I piss, which could be a lot. I like staying hydrated. True. I'm pissing all day. I'm practically one of those fountains in Rome or Vegas with the guys pissing just almost constantly all day.

I wonder what it would take actually all the time. For me to drink at such a rate, drink water or whatever at such a rate where the pee just never stops coming out. You ever wonder that? I think you'd die of water toxicity. Yeah, but what if you slow it down? Obviously, you can't get a full force pee going.

But is the bottom? We've seen one of those Austin Powers movies where he does that, right? What? He sits there and he pretends to, he's, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just saying as the statue, what I'm like,

I just drink like his product placement aquafina or some shit or, if you did little drops at a time, could you go, or does the bladder need to get a, anyway? Yeah. I piss a lot is what I'm saying. So I'm gonna try,

maybe I'll just wear gym shorts for a week and do over the top. Cause there's no convincing people. It's like a religion. Let's see these these comments. The big cray, I used the fly exclusively for years. Over the band is superior. It allows better drainage with no residual in the line. Garrett Hunter bunch a tiny dick, having motherfuckers can't pull the dingus out. They hold. That's what's his reason. Dr. Chiz, I used to be a flag guy until I learned most people did it over the waistband

and life is so much easier. So people are converting. So people are converting. They convert Willie Nilly with no reasoning. My boxers are like really easy. That's the thing. The hole is, it's fucking fine. There's a button on the hole of the ones that I'm wearing right now, but I don't button that. No, I don't button that. Like, there's a button on the whole of the ones

that I'm wearing right now, but I don't button that. No, I don't button that. No, I don't button that. Rip that, rip that button off. Rip the fly button off. It's fucking easy. Rip it off today. Robert Bergman, how tiny are these people's dicks

that they're putting it through the fly as a jingle? Like, well, they all go and I never know which way they're gonna support. They start in with the dick thing and then. Yeah. Uh then this guy, Tellmot Pinto, I have never even used underwear with a fly or seen one in real life. See from another country?

Only in movies must be an American thing. Oh, okay. They don't have fucking flies outside of America. I don't know. Somebody asked about american politics because they listen to show that i got an american politics where these guys fighting about oh boy and somebody said well i'll explain it

uh... in america the democrats pretend that they're not communists republicans pretend that they're not democrats and everybody hates libertarians uh... that's that's true that great uh... that's perfect. That's great. That's perfect. Very well said.

Yeah, what's wrong with you people? You're acting like you need to open a drawbridge or unlock a bank safe to get your dongle through your underwear hole. You know what you do? You stick your hand through, grab your weiner and pull it out, assuming you're wearing the only acceptable underwear for an adult man.

And it's a very personal issue. I guess that's what I took away from. I'm interested in the converts though. The people who did it for years because so much of that stuff, brushing your teeth, taking a piss, it's muscle memory. Yeah. You have trained yourself. It is an automatic.

You could be punch drunk or you could be knocked out on your feet like a boxer. And if the words got in, take a piss. You can start doing it. You could do it. It's automatic. Let's see what other comments I got here. Billy Wally Walrus said, care, remember the, what was it, the...

C-A-I-R. Yeah, what is that? Something like... Council, Islamic relations. Something to make everybody happy of, or Islamic or something. Care, what is that? Something council and Islamic relations something to make everybody happy of more Islamic or something. I don't know. Yeah, something to make you care, which usually sound like this guy says, remember, I wanted to have an opposing counts opposing organization of that called this guy says, how about fear the foundation for the emancipation of American rights?

Very funny, I guess guess i don't know makes more i mean it makes more sense makes more sense jenet l davis says the guy talking about confederate statutes being tax payer funded he can fuck off the vast majority of them were tax payer funded uh... and have stood for seventy years most were paid by organizations that weren't government related

also this full has no idea why the civil war was even fought and it wasn't just slavery do needs a history lesson badly my father was a historian and due to the influx of liberals in education the actual history isn't taught so men like this are actually quite ignorant on actual and the cause of the civil uh... after the civil war So men like this are actually quite ignorant on a actual thing. It causes a civil. After the Civil War statues were a way to honor the dead who fought who were conscripted to fight.

They didn't volunteer. That was another point too. They didn't even bring up. Like, how do you fight slavery by making more slaves? I've got to fight slavery. We need an army. If you're a citizen, you have to fight. Isn't that?

No, don't think about it. Just do it. Well, nicey. I don't know, Sean. I don't even, I have to fight. Isn't that, no, don't think about it, just do it. Well, well, I see, I don't know, Sean. I don't even, I wanna argue about it anymore though. I just had one question and I wish I had asked it or I wish I had thought to ask him because he was saying, wait, let me just say this. If you wanna speak about the Civil War,

know that the war was fought over, don't call them and who conscripted, who had no choice to fight, traders, unless you'd like to discuss how black people would feel about the fact that the war was fought over, don't call them and who conscripted, who had no choice to fight, traders, unless you'd like to discuss how black people would feel about the fact that the union was allowed to keep slaves after the war. I didn't know that. States in the union could keep slaves after the war. I didn't know that.

But they did, a fact that's been obliterated from the history books, uh-oh. Because there's so many leftists and say, oh man, I don't know. I don't know, I thought my bioplanes pretty good though. I wanted to ask him, because he had mentioned specifically statues of Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis

in Southern court houses. Yeah. And I'm completely ignorant of this because I spent very, very little time in the South and I have spent exactly no time in a Southern court house. My question simply is, are there southern courthouses where Robert E. Lee and or Jefferson Davis are in the courthouses?

In the courthouse. As like some kind of a, you know, a similar monument, I'm curious. Somebody, I'm sure we'll get an answer on the live chat. But yeah, then somebody was saying that they were put up during like the civil rights era as like a reminder like and don't get any ideas here's a here's some here's some dudes from a war that you like this is the as like a way as like a hundred thousand dollar fuck you

to which man they're really convinced about it but that's just a hell of a that's a hell of a blue pill for me to swallow Like that that much money would be spent on making kind of like a weird obtuse like Reminder passive aggressive very passive aggressive very expensive But as opposed to just standing out there with guns and saying like you're not gonna vote as supposed to just making like the Donate that donation to the Ku Klux Klan

I And then they like give their reasons for why they put it up and they're very like kind of straightforward or the laws I Don't know. I guess I always give more credits like kind of people just not thinking about things Or or or saying or meeting what they say. Okay. Like yeah, we did it for this. Maybe you don't think it's great reason now,

but that's why we did it. It was complicated, it was important to me, but that's why we did it. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right, let me see. I got a song from Hazen Cruise. Oh yeah? Everybody liked his last one.

Yeah. My brother was just fucking crying. He could just not, he played it over and over again. This one's called Chubby Thighs by Hazing Cruise. I could tell you why she gave that weight. She's at like 308. Now she's on Tinder, but they won't swipe right and take her to the buffet What's wrong, what's wrong now? Too many, too many twinkies

Don't know if she knows but She's bigger than Kong A tender one shall But everyone knows Is where she hides her chubby thighs A picture of the shadows A face that's too close I swear she had turned to be thighs A picture of the shows A face that's too close Her white set eyes on either side

Put down my pie And go outside Get some exercise You get rejected You just get left Swipe terrible Shallow Absolute God

Hooked on, Hooked on Now Too many, too many tween keys The ocean's throwing a ball Sing it a whale song And then there will show For everyone knows It's where she hides Sing it a whale song Sounds like an unreleased smash mouth If the vocals are a little better

Man does that guy suck all kinds of ass So I'm gonna go to the house. Hahaha! She hides that rosal face. Oh man! I can smash now. I'm gonna take her away A tender old show But everyone knows It's where she hides Her chewy thighs Picture the show A face that's too close Oh, alright Her wise and eyes

On either side Okay, I'm saying okay Okay, okay There's two more minutes of that. I'll put it on I'll put it on this It's great by five minutes. I don't know go to the go to the website. You want to hear more of Hossin cruise, Hossin cruise is Sounds good

Mean mean spirited though. Yeah. I mean, what do you look like, man? Yeah. You better be getting some exercise of your own. Yeah, sure. If you're going to be saying such terrible things. I got this other thing too. Stereo sent it in.

It is a... He always gives me... Look at my Stereo's. He. It is a he always gives me I'm a Stereo's he sent me this last night. I love his fake call in from last week at the front of the monster truck Oh, he I got another one of those hold on hold on. What do you want to play his? I? Want it? No, no, I want to play the I want to play the other fake Colin wait wait wait wait wait wait We left so hard. Yeah here here here guy sending another one. Patriot was crystal clear and wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's a CD, it's I live in New York City, so you know. It's just sad and lonely, and there's nothing like P out here. For a second, I thought it was him. Like, I forget that this is a guy just feeling in the stereo. It's pretty good. And P and poop.

Oh, and P and poop. Oh, that's right, you didn't like that bit. Well... Gross. That's what's in the butt chirping. Oh my God, it's crazy. Here's the stereo. Yeah, here's the stereo's calling it from a Lamb of God concert. Hey guys, it's a stereo's.

And as well as a leave you a quick voicemail, where this concert started. I'm a little more inspired than a Lamb of God concert. And here's a spare, it has some pretty great breakdowns. It reminded me of the break down I had one night while I was trying to perform auto-filation to to you all myself. The problem with this endeavor was that I'm so fat that I couldn't get my thighs past my chest, so I had falls on shit.

And then I lost air for my lungs. And when my running partner found me on the floor, it looked like a beast whale exploded in my hand. Oh, the running partner? Oh well, let me learn. I can still smell the concert fibers. Anywho, what I see more of the cities that we're doing, just go to patreon.com. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.

Okay, here's an actual bit for the whole story. You know, we had the, we had the, we had the, the gab guy, gab guy calling this week. What do you think of that? Do you think I, I guy doll for you? Interesting at all. Yeah, yeah, one to ten. What did you think overall? Oh? I don't know six is pop six my brain. Okay. Yeah, that's a hope for a seven. I'll take a six all right It's cryptocurrency thing was interesting. I thought. Yeah, yeah.

Different kind of way to pay people who are actually making content on the system that isn't advertising because fucking advertising, man. That's a tough one. A lot of people, a lot of libertarians were pissed. I was getting into, I was getting arguments with libertarians really online. Never thought I would never thought I would see this day. For me suggesting that Google get sued for being that Google and Apple get sued for being anti-competitive. Yeah.

I'm getting I'm getting I deeply offended people. Huh? Libertarians, Sean libertarians deeply offended. It's a week of arguing with libertarians. Nobody wants to do that. Nobody wants to do that. That's why it made me change my stance. I always wanted a libertarian to get on the main debate stage, you know, for the presidential debates.

I don't want that anymore. It's like, what do you come on you guys What are you doing to me here? I? Get it. I get it Everyone knows everyone knows what you're talking about Just calm down too many caps as soon as you start as soon as you hit that cap slot key Step away the cap slot key on the computer should just be an off button. Yeah.

That should be a government mandate that everybody, yeah, yeah, right? They're all there and now, freaking out. Far up your cabs keys. I have your cabs keys, libertarians. Oh, I get it now. I never got what everybody hates them so much,

but I fucking, I get it now, because you can't them so much but i fucking now i get it now because you can't get like you can't get a word in edgewise that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that love that says I have to have a license when I drive. Yeah, the moderators have like an arco-capitalist board told me that I'm not allowed to call myself a libertarian anymore. Oh boy. Oh boy. Come on! Jeez you guys. It's never, the dreams never gonna happen.

It's the point. You gotta just work for little bits, little bits, you know? It's always like a libertarian will go, oh, you can't say that, you can't say that. Like, okay, what do you think of the Civil Rights Act? Ooh, step in a way, that's not, don't wanna talk about that one. Don't wanna talk about it anyway.

Caps lock, explode, just burnt, melt the whole system. Melt it down. No, there's no actual reason for it. Especially for it to be such a big button. You know, it's easier for me. But you can hit by access. Yeah, it's easier for me to act like an asshole on the internet with this button

than it is for me to shut off a fire alarm. Yeah. And that's bullshit. This, this is bigger than the button to stop the fire alarm. And it's right there, it's right there are my pinky tips. I'm trying to tab and I accidentally turn the ass-hole button on. Yep.

Stereo sends this in. Um, it's a bright bar press, press, press release. Oh. A conservative venture capitalist got tired of his free speech It's a bright bar press press release. Oh A Conservative venture capitalist got tired of his free speech being stifled on platforms like Twitter Facebook and Reddit He's launching a suite of services dedicated to protecting the first amendment Tired of getting kicked off of dating sites because you appeared at one measly neo-Nazi rally. Forget okay, cupid, check out. Oh, Stereo said, okay, with white people using the N word, I told them to use okay Reagan.

Changed it too. White people. Find that special someone who enjoys long walks, romantic dinners, and shitposts thing about how there's no such thing as racial slurs, words only have the power of society gives them. So if you want to find a girl to cuddle up and read the bell curve with, join today. Get your first month free with promo code. Okay, I can't say that word into a microphone moving on.

Um, oh, I think this is written. He does this thing where sometimes he writes things for me to read instead of just the press release. Oh, I like that. written, he does this thing where sometimes he writes things for me to read instead of just the press release. Oh, I like that. Okay, you know, I don't like being told what to say. John, we had a problem with that. Yeah, you know what I mean? Uber has announced that it's banning white supremacists.

Did you know about that? Did not. AKA the most fun people to share an Uber pool with. But here's a service that won't be in you for expressing your first amendment right. Hyl. To catch a ride, all you got to do is raise your cell phone in the air at a 45 degree angle. And the app does the rest. And you can hyl any size car, including compact SUV and Hitler's limo,

which according to this press release smells pretty bad. But unlike Uber, their drivers aren't chatty unless you bring up mine comp. Don't bring up mine comp. I fucking Uber driver ruined my conversation with Rocketman. Yeah. Yeah, we got in, Rocketman got in

because he's moving to a new job. He had a big trailer, he slept over. And we're like, all right, let's go, let's go, hit up. The heat wave is inescapable in LA right now. So I said, let's go down to the beach. Let's go down to Santa Monica. We'll go ahead up this bar, the water grill.

We hop in the Uber and I see this guy once every year, once every two years and he's easily the most interesting person, he's doing the most interesting things of any of anyone I've ever of anyone you could know. Yeah right 95% of people don't know anybody like this, not within their sphere you know, it's 99, like I went to fucking college with him. That's why I know he's worked on near, like he's worked on projects where you're trying to see if an asteroid is hitting the earth. Yeah.

Uh, he's worked on like, like this is, this is his, his job. His nine to five is working on billion dot, like, okay, this is, this is how, this is what's great about him. Uh, He was working on I think the web telescope or the Hubble telescope where they found a way his group found a way to use a lensing around distant galaxies to see even more distant like double double the distance galaxies so I read something about that. Yeah, you worked on that. Yeah, it was it was the Hubble's got a range, right?

Of like half the known universe or something like that. And people say, no, because a universe isn't like a bubble that's, the universe isn't just like a bubble where everyone is. It's like, that's all we could ever see. Yeah. Because that's all, that's for some reason that's all the lights going back to us. Like, we don't know it's after that. So using something on the Hubble, they found that as far as the Hubble can see, those things, those giant gravitational galaxies act as lenses for what's behind them.

It's like a transformer, right? Like, I mean, so you can... Yeah, like a power booster. Yeah, or something like that. So the light will be shooting out of a galaxy that's like at the very beginning of the universe, the big bang and it's way the fuck out there. 18 billion years out there, right?

Light shoots out of that towards us and it spreads out and you can't see it. So our telescopes aren't that powerful, but they get halfway there and that light runs into with this gigantic ass galaxy and it bends around and focuses it on us. Wow. So that's he, like they figured out, I think it was his group. I don't know. He's probably exaggerating his involvement of it. He's still a man. Benning it around. So because of that,

they based all this research on very, very, very old galaxies, giving them the first available spot in the new web telescope that's designed to see further than ever. He's like, look, bitch, we got experience with this shit. Who are you going to call? We're the ghost busters this time because we figured out this thing. This is the kind of stuff. This is just his job. His version of getting a promotion is like, we've seen galaxies that people never seen, but you see shit that,

no, nothing's ever seen before. It's incredible. Interesting. Yeah. He's talking, he's trying to drop this asteroid mining shit on me, right before we get into this Uber. I get about to, you know, I don't ask people questions about things in general, definitely not their jobs.

Yeah. I'm asking him a couple interesting questions like, oh, okay, think about this fucking guy. Oh, I hate, I hate, he's some Swedish guy. He'm like, oh, okay, think about this fucking guy. Oh, I hate, he's some Swedish guy. He's like, oh, I hate to break in, but it's just that your conversation is so interesting. I'm like, so, listen. Yeah, so just shut the, like,

and he starts asking questions. Like, he starts asking the kinds of questions that are just meant to make you know that he understands what you're talking about. He's like trying to relate it back to him. It's like, dude, you don't relate this to you. You've got not like he's talking about the various things. Oh yeah, I've always been interested in space.

Like, no one fucking cares, dude. Nothing, none of this. First of all, I don't know you this guy doesn't know you you're you're you're like describing an after school like you're describing the background of a fucking video game I used to be oh I was interested in spaces kid shut the fuck up shut the fuck he's any talk the whole fucking time because he took he took rocket man's very candid explanation to me and turned it into like idiot speak like oh yeah, now I gotta go over now I gotta go through my PR release like now I've gotta go through the table of contents

that is my whole fucking life for you now I have to entertain you. So what did you pay for this? Like what is, why are you getting a free lecture from an astrophysicist in this car ride today? Cause you got this fucking prisoner. Pull over and let us off. Oh, I just, oh, it was just so interesting. I had to jump in.

No, you didn't. Just, just sit there and shut the fuck up, I haven't seen this I haven't seen this guy in forever it's anyway so don't bring up mine comp air bnb's also banned white supremacist oh that's good to know when somebody's gonna call when some when is somebody gonna cut these poor white supremacists of break shun more stuff all they want is a as a cab a place to sleep and to be acknowledged is the genetically superior races that's a well fair be in b won't protect the first amendment here's someone who will air t underscore d

air the donald instead of air being b superstars the donald are opening their homes and in some cases their litter boxes. To anyone who needs a place to crash and these rooms contain everything the all right loves. Tiki torches, fidget spinners and Japanese body pillows. Oh. Stapelike sheep. Shaped like Steve Bannon. That's a, oh God. That's a bean bag. Facebook's no stranger to silencing outsiders opinion. Forget Facebook. Here's a platform that's got the Constitution's back. Master Racebook. It's a place where you can express your opinions freely and openly knowing that pretty much

none of your coworkers or family members are going to be on a thing called Master Racebook. So go nuts. And instead of cutesy reactions like a thumbs up or a sad face, every button denies the holocaust. Oh, geez. Oh, man. cutesy reactions like a thumbs up or said face every button denies the holocaust jesus oh well let's see there's a bunch more of these

that's written instead of twitter there's quitter the pro free speech site you join and immediately forget about. Oh, yeah. Instead of Instagram, they're launching Lindsey Graham. A site which replaces everyone in your photos with a photo of Lindsey Graham, frowning. And finally, here's a clone of Reddit called Right Said Freddit, which takes your political

comments and places them to the tune of I'm too sexy. Not sure why I'd want that. But it's got the word right in it. So it's already raised 14 million in crowdfunding. Oh boy. Oh, that's an alternate opening. Okay. I don't think we need to read that. Hey, did you get any emails about your birthday? No, it was really weird. I didn't get any. Oh, really? Yeah, it was really strange. Oh, that is strange, Sean. Yeah. Because I really tweeted the hell out of it. Yeah, it was really strange. Oh, that is strange, Sean. Yeah. Huh. Because I really tweeted the hell out of it. Oh, yeah.

I know you did. Guess you deleted them all. It's crazy. Yeah, I got a ton. No, I got a ton. You got a ton. Thank you. Oh, that's good.

I had the red cross in here to complain about. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know if anybody cares about this shit. Well, well, how would we know? Cause they're, cause they're so, it's like donate, like everything is now donate to the Red Cross.

Yeah. But from what I was reading until where it goes, you can't tell where it goes. Let me see. And they got yeah okay here we go just how badly this is from an article just how badly does the american red cross want to keep secret how it raised and spent over three hundred million after her case andy

uh... the charity hired a law firm to fight a public request fired with filed with the new york state arguing that information about its sandy activities is a trade secret. This is what the Red Cross says, while they won't tell you. If the details were disclosed, the American Red Cross would suffer competitive harm

because its competitors would be able to mimic the American Red Cross's business model for an increased competitive advantage. Does that sound? It sounds fishy. Sounds fishy. The letter doesn't specify who the Red Cross's competitors are. And somebody said,

Do you have stockholders? Who's competing it? Well, that's what I'm showing up at a disaster. Just a bunch of rednecks with lots of monster trucks. If you're worried about trade secrets, you're worried about keeping the most money. That's the only reason to protect a trade secret period. Yeah. Um,

during, I see here, they got a half a billion dollars in Haiti and built six homes. I don't know. To be careful with your fucking money, these fucking people. It's a shame that you can't, there's so many that you don't know where your money actually goes, or if it gets to the people, you're trying to give it to. Yeah, and it's just, it's not that easy, I guess,

to just give it to one place and expect that. I guess not. No. All their accounting looked all fuck, because they're in the blood business. I think that was the point of this article, is that they're in the business of taking blood and then selling it to hospitals,

and that they use the disaster things as just a way to build up their public profile. Like they don't count, they, interesting. They brag about the meals made and then just throw like 30% of them away. Interesting. It's hard to get them to people. They've got people just driving around.

This guy said during Isaac, a driver said they ordered dozens of trucks deployed to deliver aid to be driven around nearly empty, just to be seen, he says. One of the drivers, we were sent away down on the golf with nothing to give. The relief effort was worse than a storm about it's about the appearance of aid, not actually delivering it. This guy says, no, it's fucking shady, I guess. Maybe look for a local people. I don't know.

I thought it was interesting though. Yeah. Coach sends me these interesting links. Hey, where are the fanboys? Are you there? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's going on? Where are the fanboys' book is out? It is.

Yeah, new possibilities. Is that what it's called? New possibilities, a post-maga speculation. So it's a sci-fi adventure for a post Trump world. It has a colon in it. Yeah. I got it. I started reading it last night. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good so far. Yeah. When does Trump show up though? Trump Trump shows up a little bit later. Okay. Once things. It's very it's very subtle. The Trump inter influence. Oh, I see. So he's uh... i thought he was going to be there in like every page

and that the main character this is a genre fiction i see the serious to serious work uh... max panic study read it and he's he seemed to he seemed to be into it on twitter i would expect no less yeah uh... hey i don't think i've talked to you since the big fight new

mysterious that's great to be back is that true I would expect no less. Yeah. Hey, I don't think I've talked to you since the big fight you and his stereos Yeah, what's great to be back is that true? Seems that way. Yeah, what's what's going on? You got a big delay on your end. What is it? Probably discord. Okay, you're not disciplining anyone while you're on the call this time No, not today. What did you think of the fight? What did you think of going toe-to-toe with the stereos? And are you are you doing it again? Is that for real? Or was that like one and then? Is that I mean from what I understood it was supposed to be scheduled on the next road rage tour. Oh Who is who's who's giving you that info? That was the stereos. Oh yeah, okay. Well, what do you think what do you how do you feel about it?

About fighting a stereos yeah, cuz it looked like he was delivering some pretty devastating hammer punches and body slams And the first thing definitely definitely some blows at the back of the head by the I've experienced worse Okay, are you training it all for this alleged rematch? Is it happening? Is that the feeling that it's not happening? I did watch the May weather fight. Okay. You're not putting on any muscle or anything like that? No, not at all. All right, dude. I like the book. For anybody who hasn't had it, what's given them a taste of what they're going to see in it? What are you most proud of in the in the manga book? Oh, you know, some of my favorite parts are when they when they capture the antifa terrorist, that's a that's a good scene.

Okay. How do they do that? They can't give them any spoilers. Fucking book report, but but they do they do execute them in a fantastic fashion. Okay. What else you got? fashion. Okay. What else you got? Out with got giant robots going toe to toe with alien octopus monsters. That's cool. I wanted to get I wanted to get a stereos to review it, but he said he wasn't he said he wouldn't review it until after the fucking he had some cockamami reason for why he didn't want to read the book or review the book and it was based around the boxing match I

It's James like it's more based around the patreon. Oh, okay, so he's gonna do a review on his patreon about it Anything to get patreon viewers, I think all right, man Well, I wanted to know more about the box the rematch, but I don't think you have it doesn't sound like you have any information at all now i thought that i thought that was uh... you and a stereo's putting that shit together no i don't give a shit about it all right i mean you got well i think we got it all out of our system on the fucking first one you got your ass handed to you by a much bigger guy well i wouldn't go that far. What would you say?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, that may be accurate. That may be accurate. Did you think it was a goof? No, I don't make mistakes. No, did you think it was like a fun, like a silly boxing match? I certainly had fun. You certainly had fun, yeah fun with your corner cat. Oh yeah, I think everybody enjoyed the show.

Yeah. All right, man. Well, have you guys ever get anything set up for the rematch? I guess, if anybody wants to talk about anything, we're having to do with that call in. I will fight Astero's any time any day. I think I've already proven that.

Yeah, it's all right. Yeah, all right, buddy. Have a good one. All right, deck later. Later. I think I'm done for today. What do you think? You're close to two.

Oh, God, yeah, we got to stop. Let me see if I have anything else. We got this in the mail. We're close to two. Oh, God, yeah, we gotta stop. Let me see if I have anything else. We got this in the mail. This kick ass satchel. That is not gonna about the leather. This is the leather man, Indiana Jones leather man bag network now.

Look at this fucking thing. That is really cool. It's really cool, dude. Let me read a note from the guys. We got a big dick show logo on the front. I'll read a note from the guys who sent it in. Dude Dick and Sean, thanks for the great episodes. When it came to my attention that my friend's dad was making leather purses We thought you should have one. He handcrafts them and lasers them himself. If anybody wants to check this out His other laser creations. They should check them out at

Etsy.com slash shop slash Prince Street leather. Hope to see you guys in Chicago. Time for a fun ride. It's fucking cool, man. I hope it holds a laptop. I think it's about the only thing that's that carry around anymore. Did I got a question for you?

What? Did you ever get that puzzle open? No, I didn't. When I got drunk, I forgot to try it because I think it's a breathalyze. Yeah. I gotta get drunk again quickly. Yeah.

Okay, let's play some voicemails. Wrap it up and play some voicemails. Thanks for listening, guys. Go to thedickshow.com, patreon.com slash the Dixia live show tickets are up, they will be up after this episode for Patreon and they're gonna be up for everybody. Provided they're not sold out on the site. It's happening at the satellite, October 13th.

I don't know what we're gonna do yet. October 13th, Friday, October 13th at 8 p.m. at the satellite. I gotta figure out what we're gonna do with Diego. It's just gonna be a drinking contest. Not even a drink drinking contest. Not even a drink drinking contest, is a drink buying contest. Nice.

This is gonna take show, see you next Tuesday. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This is, I got another song from, this song is by Stave State Corrupted. Oh yeah. All right. Oh, that's cool. Eight-bit stuff. I love that eight-bit stuff.

That's fun. 1. Draw the line on the left side of the head. 2. Draw the line on the left side of the head. Those fucking guys, who, they're so frustrating to me with their boxing match. They're always like private messages, you know. Who are the fanboys sent me? So many private messages, like don't talk about the cat girl and this. Just... what the hell are you... what the hell are you guys doing? It seems like a stereo is once the second boxing match more than anybody else. Yeah, that guy didn't sound like he wanted it at all. Right? Yeah. Why would he? Why would he? Um, this is one of those things, I don't know, not speaking for him, but maybe he thinks,

well, like, you know, we kind of did it. Yeah. There's, what are you gonna do? What, uh, what could change so radically to make one think that the second one is going to be vastly different? I mean, it's the whole fool me once, you know, as stairs is training like crazy, and I have poor guy, well, wrote a book. I don't wanna see him get his ass handed to him.

Like, it's just like a brutality. I don't know, maybe I'm alone, I don't know. What do you think? The first one was great. Yeah, I mean, the first one was, I still haven't quite squared with the fact that it didn't go off, that it was so impromptu because I got so pissed off that where it's like, oh, you know, I mean, I don't know, what have been,

what have been nice to make more, maybe of a show of it? Yeah. But, you know, it was entertaining. It wasn't entertaining, okay. I don't know if that's all of these. Man, I just watched the squirrel climb this tree man my kid is not he climbed all the way up this tree and he just dropped his nut bro all the way at the top of the tree and I was thinking like man like the little's face, you know what I mean when he dropped that, dropped that nut, I pretty pissed off.

We're totally animals man, you know, look at the head that feeling. That's not some weed, I'm having all these thoughts. So I feel, you know what I mean? One of these is probably like, we're they're really not in which case you can just to eat by the belly of your... Squirrel just drops the nut. Man, you want to help that squirrel out, right? But then you don't care if the squirrel gets hit, but you don't care if you run over it.

No. Like, whatever. No, you do not. But when the squirrel drops the nut, you think, oh man. Cause you, I feel really bad for you. That's when you're on the same level. Yeah. You're like, oh shit, I've done that.

But then when you just hit them, you're like, yeah. You were probably an idiot squirrel. Yeah, well, exactly. Yeah, first of all, we're not the same because you're the idiot that ran into traps. You're in the street. Secondly, I gave you the sweet release of death. No more running around, finding nuts for you.

Yeah, you don't have to worry about it. Yeah. So in a way, you're welcome. You're welcome. And I envy you. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, nobody's gonna hit me with a car. Yeah.

I don't get anything I want. Ha ha ha. So I don't know what the fuck you guys just thought about, which is all out of your fly. But the way you're supposed to do it is watch the urinal. You stick your foot up on the fucking side of the urinal. Before you're cocked out of the bottom of your jeans, you can't do that. Yeah, sorry. Is he what you saying? Oh, fuck's bouncing out the bottom of the show.

Yeah, he's saying that he has a really, really big dick. Oh, is that what his point was? His point, yeah. That was good for you, dude. Mm-hmm. Hey, Dig. Totally on board with fancy pants on this one. Felt off, unbuttoned, under, pull the underwear,

down past the shaft, but not past the balls. It's a really smooth motion. I don't know why you can't grab your head around it. In fact, I just tried to go the bathroom and snake my way through the fly. And I was like, although deep in my own underwear and I'm not going to do that. I can't. I'm not going to say nuclear and spatula right. Go fuck yourself.

I love how guys can't do that. They can't just get past that little thing where they have to say how big their dick is, but it's like cartoonish. Yeah, everything was small. Or was he saying it was small because he was elbow deep in there and couldn't get it out? I don't know, but it it's just it's funny to me

it's like dude like honestly see a fucking doctor ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha way to pitch last week out about to call you uh... and i'm a giant pussy so i didn't but this week when you kept on going about it i was just even more fiber gathered i don't understand what you don't get about it like so you don't know which side is going to go with do you well i think i think he's going to go with the one over the waste over the waste balance here yet because he said he doesn't know what i get about it

i get it if you're wearing pan that don't have a hole, such as sweat pants or gym shorts, you can't really pull it through the hole. No, this is like my pants. Go for your waistband. And then you just look retarded. Secondly, I fucking,

the next person who like tells me some obvious shit, man, I don't know what it is. Well, you know what, what about if you're wearing gym shorts? Like yeah, no, you know what I do if I'm wearing gym shorts? I need to fly so badly that I find a ventilated hole in my gym shorts and line that up with my dick hole so it goes, what the fuck are you talking about

especially with gym shorts? Of course with gym shorts, obviously with gym shorts. with Jim Shords. Like, going through the little, the one color was right, going through the little maze thing is ridiculous. Why not just under your belt, get down, take your button off, get down the zipper, and pull your dick out. It's just a stir like this. Instead of going through the maze, it probably takes the same amount.

And if that, if you pull your dick out of a stupid hole of a zipper, what did you get it caught? Like the guy said, I remember my dad talking about a story where he literally zipped his dick, and he got a minute, nice death on it. I wake up from it. No, that was Ben Stiller. I clipped it.

I've clipped it. One day, once or twice. Because I'm so worried. I don't understand i lost how it lost the train of thought one one more of these one more of these stupid pisser pisser guys i get it you know they say a rage what

men who can't control their penises i'm not talking about perverse again it's a trouble i'm talking about wine fucks complain about all i can't get my penis through the underwear hole and through the fly? Are you fucking cany-me? That's part of the challenge. You can't get your dick. Good luck having sexy dumb bitch Yeah, I mean sexy stuff. Yeah, you got to navigate stuff Okay It's all funny. You never know what'll hit with the show 70% yeah Navigate stuff. Ugh. Okay. It's so funny, you never know what'll hit with the show. 70%.

You're 70%. Yeah. So I'm wrong then. In the minority. Yeah, correct. Yeah. That's the right way to put it. Yeah, we're in the minority.

When we did the bonus, we were talking about somebody brought up the button fly, in which case, I am on board with fancy pants Because yeah, but you yeah, because there are multiple Buttons and I haven't owned a pair in years, but yeah, that's a pain in the after pain in the ass to put back up correct with that with the belt in the way Yeah, and the main button in the way I still go through the belt. I still believe the bell connected all right Hey dick. I'm the guy who keeps calling about the goddamn pissing problem that your fans have. This time I'm calling it the rage, actually.

My rage is something you could probably relate to. Forks, quotations for half-raised people. C-I-M, half-black, half-white. And everyone only sees the black I kind of look a little bit like uh... like craft my stalezi i and also the talent like what and i think that i'm i'd rolled jenek lottery i fucking rolled steak i have my friend a pop at seven i'm

holding uh... except i can strategically pick my friend make it look like i'm not but I can't remember. And my opinions is at every side. Like I don't know about you. But people are always expecting to be all about ah, fried chicken. That's not what that rap music does. Great. Well, I don't give a shit about any of those things.

But people expect me to because I look kind of like I'm black. Do you think that like as a black guy, or even as a half a black guy in this situation, like you're constantly having to apologize for this fucked stereotype that black guys have huge dogs? Like do you think that, like, he's got a regular cock? Like nobody, no, I'm not hooking up with any woman and they're like except for my really terrible attitude

That might only be like the thing the little ad in their brain. It says this guy is a huge cock But with like if you're black or half black like this guy Definitely, there's like a this this expectation for you to have a huge dick, right? Even though it's fucking read even though I'm gonna say right now though it's fucking retarded, even though, oh, I'm gonna say right now that it's fucking retarded and I don't fucking believe it, right? And if it's true, then it's probably half inch or something like, or like nothing,

nothing that would appreciably be like a substantially different thing with the collective conscious meme is, right? Like how much would that fuck you can hear it in his voice? He's like, yeah, I got an average sized dick. Like, it's like, yeah, so no one's saying that, right? Like anytime that conversation comes up in mixed company, there's always some obnoxious bitches like, oh, we'll take my word for it.

Black guys have huge cacks. Like, well, I mean, what are you? Did you fuck all of them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, how many, right? It's like the same thing when guys ate like, oh, Fed chicks, they suck great, this Fed chick suck great cock. Like, have you been getting blown by Fed chicks?

Like three times a day every day for the last five, just shut the fuck up. Just shuffles eyes and then leave it alone, yeah. Like, you're just bragging. How would you even, how would you know? Did you bring a protractor into bed with you with stupid bitch? Like, oh, we get it, we get it, we get it, we get it,

we get it, we get what you're saying. Okay, you had your little show and tell moment where you can brag about something that you are weirdly proud of. But meanwhile, you got this poor guy, poor bastard on the other end, who is like, yeah, I got an average, like you think he walks into that situation going, uh, I know what you're thinking. I know you're thinking, but scale it back. Yeah.

Scale your expectations back. Scale back your race based expectations a little bit. I'm just like a regular, just a regular dude. You know what? Or I've heard mixed, I've heard mixed people say before that they get, they get shit from both sides because they're, because white people see them as like they're black and then they're never black enough for black people. What do you mean? Just in society that it's hard to be a mixed race person for that reason because it's like, you don't, you kind of don't belong to either side.

Yeah, you don't. When in reality, you're, you're, you you don't. It went in reality, you're both. You're a person, you're both. But a lot of people don't see it that way on either side. I guess he looks like a bald-learned cravets, though. A dick thing. Yeah, Lenny Kravitz is a... Always pissed me off when people say that. Yeah.

They're so fucking happy about it. Oh, well, this is like... Do you know, do you really fucking is like, do you know, do you really fucking, like do you know for sure? Can you show me, show me with your hands, what you, first of all, show me on your hands, what you think six inches in, is in your fucking brain?

Because I guarantee you, you'll be off by two. Yeah, no, people are terrible at just, at estimating size. Yeah, of anything. How tall is it? 40,000, it's 10,000 leagues under the sea. Oh, of anything. How tall is it? 40,000, it's 10,000 leagues under the sea. Oh wow, that's pretty deep. Yeah, it's through the fucking planet three times you moron.

That's very deep. All the way to the fucking moon. Oh, how tall is that guy? Yeah, hold your hands up. And next time somebody says that shit. It annoys me because it's like, yeah, so there's at least half of people who are below average. It's probably marginally similar. Everyone's goddamn dick size.

Yeah. We're gonna get a lot of studies. Oh, well, hopefully you don't get any pictures of anyone's dick. No, maybe a poll. Maybe a poll is in order. Poll is in order. How big is your dick? Well, I mean, and which method do you do you piss with?

The yaw. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, dick, it's Richard Jizz again. I figured out how to change the world today. All parking spaces shall have automatic spray painters that repaint the parking lines, that regular intervals all day and all night. But if you've parked over the line,

your car gets painted. Everyone will know what you did, just like a pirate brand. You know what, I wouldn't mind some kind of a public, like in lieu of a ticket. You could get your ticket reduced if you just had like a bring back the stocks. Yeah, but something like it's on your social media or it's on your, they're work with the phone companies and put this like I'm an asshole.

Yeah, thing on your phone. Yeah, just something embarrassing. Right. Like every time you, like everybody's phone up states with they got dick and then it's just like sucks cocks. That's what, like that's what my Twitter goes to. If you fuck up, I wouldn't mind that. Mm-hmm.

Pay to get it removed. Now you fucked up. I see, that's, yeah, there were, you can always pay to get it removed. I'll just, you just deal with it though. Like how traffic, traffic school is like something you just had to deal with to get that point of your license keep that insurance money is a little bit of shame

just a little bit of public shame that's all yeah we don't use that so is money hey dick this is uh... your conscience hey man we haven't talked in a while i think we've uh... i don't think I've spoken to you since that time you did your live show and you looked like a mix between a share of Benaglaze donut. But it's good to see that you're losing weight.

I don't know if it's just the fact they got rid of that fucking goat here, or maybe it's just you actually haven't go into the gym and eating more or less than fucking six meals a day like a pig. But I've got to see it All right, that a great one is to fit you. I'm gonna bring that go T back fuck that guy. Yeah Yeah, go T was cool feels cool having a go T. Yeah, feels like you really don't give a give a fuck about anything Feels gross. Oh

Feels grosser feels grosser than a mustache because it feels like you're not even trying Yeah, like a mustache, you know, some- If hair all around your mouth. Yeah, it's really gross. It is gross. It's gross. Yeah, I'm gonna bring it back. That was fucking cool.

Bring it back, gross. Yeah. Uh. The Dixia, thanks for calling out your football. One of the things I noticed is most of the kids who play the sport. I mean, I played it as a kid. Most of those kids out there, I noticed they didn't want to be there. They just wanted to make their parents happy. I had at least one kid in my cousins' team, if he was playing too, like I was a year

up. He could have schooled, he could have, you know, and he'd get heckled by his own dad and even had a black eye on him. This is bad. It was cool. You know, like some kids really had fun had a lot sure it was a lot of fun but i think it was a good number of kids i just didn't want to be there and uh... i think shame again suffer for

yeah like fucking all of them what kid wants to do that now they're some kids but i think a lot of kids probably don't want to do that i mean because their parents want to do it what kid wants to go and participate in all, like, the rules and the practice and the structure and the bullshit? Kids want to just play, like, pick up and play,

not doing, as soon as the dads get involved, it's like, okay, now everybody's gonna, now you're gonna line up and you're gonna get up against the backstop one by one, and I'm gonna pound ground balls at you to get over this weird fear of this very real fear of getting smashed in the mouth. And somehow this is practice. Like it's like they all get to be king with kids sports. And all their drills mean absolutely nothing because it's just something they've either thought up

or some other moron has told them. Not one coach at any level can replicate success, right? You're either fast or you're skilled or you're not. Well, and there's no practice will make you a little bit better, but lining kids like, no, you are limited by your, your ability is your potential as like an athlete. And yes, no, I absolutely believe that practice drills and fundamentals and things can bring the best of you out,

but you're not going to exceed your level of talent based on no matter how good they are, so they always say, the best coaches are, oh, guess what? Yeah, Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippin winning one six titles. What the fucking boys like? No, nobody can't even have a fucking New Jersey net. You know, like the greatest coach ever. Yeah.

Oh, wow, what do you think? Did you make Michael Jordan do what? Did make him jump over everyone? Yeah, it's, you know, I mean, there are just such fucking assholes about it too to me. This is like, like, they got that control over you. Oh, okay, we're going to be doing you lost. You lost against a bunch of kids who are all out way you and are taller than you. So, and I'm, and I'm pissed off for some reason. Because this is serious business. This, this farm league first time we've ever pitched in baseball before.

So first of all, we're gonna do some, we're gonna do some shuttle runs. We're gonna waste your whole fucking day doing, literally, doing something that is totally fucking worthless in life. And I'm the, I'm the dead. I think this is a good idea to drill this unpleasant activity of a skill set that's totally fucking worthless. Never with the sole exception of an asshole who doesn't know what he's talking about shouting at you and making you do something during the daylight hours that you don't want

to do, that's the only skill you're going to get out of this, right? Because you're going to spend your whole life doing this. You're going to do drills. This will get you faster, right? So goddamn stupid. Every major league scouts will tell you you can't teach speed. Of course you can.

And that's the, you know, that's, of course you can. There's no defense for speed, you know? I mean, that's, and you can't teach like paying attention. Like how come there's no hedge fund manager, youth little league? I'm like, oh yeah, let's and you can't teach like paying attention. Like how come there's no hedge fund manager youth little league? I'm like, oh yeah, let's teach everyone to be like vicious sociopaths, so they can get through it in the financial.

No, let's teach it to be like, you're gonna be the best shortstop ever with these drills. Get your ass up against the board. The rest of you just stand there. Watch them take a couple off the fucking cheekbone. Yeah. Watch, hey, couple off the fucking cheekbone. Yeah. Watch, hey, wanna see a broken orbital socket? It's so fucking dumb.

You know what's funny about, I can totally remember taking grounders and all that kind of stuff. The only danger was that they were always, like, little league practices were always at schools, which had these horrible athletic fields and really uneven terrain. So it wasn't like you could take a nice,

it wasn't a nice groomed in field. So every once in a while, that ball that had bounced four times about eight inches on the ground would hop up two and a half feet and hit you in the fucking face. And it's just because it took a hit and it was not a blast. Yeah, it's like, that's not fucking fair.

It's not, and now that I'm about, like now that I'm approaching an age where a dad could be out there hitting those ground balls, I just wanna walk out and go, I think go, here, why don't you take some fucking ground balls? Cause I know how much it hurts. Like, I know how much it hurts to even assume that stands with your fucking fat ass,

hammering balls at these kids. Like this is, like this is what they wanna do. Even if they wanna do it, they don't wanna be out here practicing. So goddamn pointless. Alex P says, dick, I found this basically a smart dude thinks like you or something about education. Pretty cool and to be honest, a bit of a surprise,

but a smart dude agrees with what you say. What the fuck? Is that necessary? It was kind of funny. The essay talks about how children today are suffering because they don't have any play. Like they don't, like play is a way for kids to develop skills that they actually use in life

because they just mimic adults. Yeah. And then what we send them to school where they don't mimic adults, they just memorize shit and it's a huge waste of time. Yeah, yeah. We don't learn shit. Interesting.

Yeah, his article goes into it. It's just like youth sports. Just play the game. Who gives a shit about getting, like they're not getting any better, they're just getting bigger. Like don't trick all these fucking dads. Don't trick yourself into thinking these your stupid drills are making them better they're just getting bigger every day

that's why now you really you really improved this a lot this year now i grew six inches why don't toilet have like little distortions so they don't get caught? You know what I mean? Like, they flushed it and there's like a little fucking disposal down there. Like, there's like slice and dice all the poop. Man, that's a good idea. Let me just fill that one.

Carbis' disposal. Yeah, in the shitter. I bet they could kickstart that. Yeah. Because we've all thought about it. That's one of those ideas. That and a TV toilet. We've all had that moment of epiphany, you know? Yeah.

We should have the option. I just want to see it. There should be a flat screen under the lid, so when you're barfing, you drink too much. Yeah. Right on the... Oh, yeah, it's got to be under the lid, right? I guess. Well, you could have a clear lid and then it could be on the...

Oh, yeah, yeah, so you don't write. Keep it cleaner. Yeah. Sandwetched in between. We really need to like, yeah, we need like a Velcro bathroom pad tablet system that has very, very easy access to Netflix and Hulu. Yeah, without any bullshit and porn hub that you can take with you into the shower, just Velcro to the toilet real fast. Think about that this week.

Everybody, put our minds together next week. Stop thinking about who's pissing, which way? Yeah. Let's see. Couple more, couple more. Hi there, Sean. I heard a very special man turn in the phone with me. My half death,

been over a chair and take a belt off and give you 40 licks. And after that, I might even hit you with the belt too. I'll be on day. Happy birthday, big guy. Thanks, buddy. Happy birthday. Mm-hmm.

Happy birthday, Sean. And you're honored today. I'm wearing a V-neck that goes super deep. Nice. Go fuck yourself. Thank you. And same to you, my son. Happy birthday, Sean. This is Uncle Buck, calling in from the pocket. Here's what I don't get. And you're turning 40. So it's just to be you.

Just to fuck yourself. Yeah. At least I don't have a kid. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a water bottle or some kind of bottle with a top on it, this fruit top, and that little fucker fall boss or fall out of your hands. It is going to be cool and you know, unscrisst it with one hand and drink with the other and it's a snap out of your middle finger and your index finger and fall through the floor. Yeah.

That crucial moment where it's spinning, right? It's fucking spinning on the floor and you don don't know what side it's gonna fall on. You're saying like, fuck man, if it falls on the side, it goes on top of the part where I put my mouth, that's it, I'm gonna get a, but if it falls on the top part, then you're safe, right? You're safe, and you don't have to go get checked. Yeah.

That moment, right before, it's, it's, it's closed down, it's about a fall, your balls just roll up inside of you. I fucking despised that moment. They have to make it, I mean I guess you kind of have it reached. So hopefully it's balls on the top part of the still. A lot of the time it just land on the part where I can't even use it anymore. I have to either drink my drink or put it in the fridge like that in open. It's gonna waste, you know, there's no point of putting in the second, it's gonna go like refrigerator burn or whatever the fuck does. The lower

tire is better than a bit of it. You're fucked. You're fucked all day. You're fucked all day because you got a big, oh man, you get a nice big water bottle for your shit, right? Nice big one. Nice big, not either a nice one of those big ass you treat yourself and get a big fucking arrow head, one of the ribbed ones. You're gonna like, I'm gonna, yeah, like exactly like the one you're holding up

or you're even the bigger ones. Yeah, there's taller ones in that. There's taller ones in that. There's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there bigger ones. Yeah, there are, there's taller ones in there. There's taller ones in there. Sometimes if your whole arm, it's like a horse cock of water. You get your treat yourself to one of those and then you're fiddling around, paint, you're doing that thing that I've talked about before where you like, you want it to fuck up.

You want whatever you're doing to get fucked up when you spin your keys, you're like, ah, yeah, this is, this means nothing to me, but I just, I'm doing a danger, I'm doing a thing that will massively inconvenience me. For no reason. I'm seeing how I can wiggle my phone around. I'm compulsively just doing this with my phone, like I'm doing right now, where I'm spinning

it around. You know it's going to hit the deck at some point. This has no benefit to me. It's just an amp eventually. I'm going to drop it. No, you're inviting. I'm inviting the breakage of this phone, but I still do it. Like, I fiddle with the water bottle top.

Touching it, flicking it, and then there you go. You flick it off, goes under the fridge, or it just touches the ground and you think, great, I've got a gallon of water that I now just have, that I'm going to spill over everything I'm coming here today. I was having a nice day of nice bottle of water that I could get into when I wanted it,

and now everything's just gonna have spilled water all over it. Now I've got a, no, I'm a slave to this water bottle. And I did it. And I did it to myself. Again. Or you escape and you look out. And you go, I didn't learn anything.

I didn't learn anything. I didn't learn anything. Didn't learn a thing. In fact, now instead of just picking up the cap that's on the ground, I'm gonna try to flick it. I'm gonna try to flick it like a tibbly wink so it lands in my hand and then I'm gonna put it back on. Yeah. I'm gonna try to pick it up with my foot

and without touching the inside, always pushing. All right, see you next Tuesday, everybody. my foot without touching the inside. Always, always pushing. All right, see you next Tuesday, everybody.